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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Cristina Open Front Cashmere Cardigan

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

I was a big fan of Scandal, even when the plot went completely off the rails in later seasons. In spite of the bonkers plot twists, Olivia Pope’s outfits were always on point. I particularly admired her ability to drink copious amounts of red wine — all while wearing light-colored cashmere and sitting on a white couch — without spilling a drop.

I’m not quite as graceful, but I love a nice cashmere topper for an elegant, but cozy look. I would wear this open-front cardigan from Club Monaco on a day when I knew I was going to be working late and wanted to be as comfortable as possible.

The sweater is $249.50 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XS–L.

A more affordable option in regular sizes is this Caslon cardigan (on sale for $41.40); a plus-size alternative is this cardigan from Madewell (on sale for $58.80).

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 12.5

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341 Comments

  1. I work for a HO department in a remote team, so have a local line manager who covers the region I’m in but is in a different department (I do a niche role in that region for his department). He’s new last year and beyond quarterly 1:1s have little contact and he doesn’t have great understanding of my role. He’s repeatedly asked me to do a task since he started which is not something I can easily do (think producing weekly reports on a subject) and also not something my own department want time spent on. I’ve told him this multiple times and he just won’t listen. Last time on the phone I ended up in tears through frustration, we get stuck in a loop of him trying to get me to think of ways I can do it and me pushing back trying to explain I can’t. I have my next quarterly meeting with him in a coffee shop next week and I’m worried the frustration tears will be back. Any ideas of how to get in a good head space?(my HO team have confirmed they don’t want me doing this task and if need be they will tell him but I don’t want to do that if I can avoid it).

    1. It helps me to think of people like this as toddlers – you can validate their feelings but that doesn’t mean you will do what they want, and the fact that they want something unreasonable has nothing to do with you so doesn’t need to cause an emotional reaction in you. E.g., saying I know this weekly report is important for your work and you’re frustrated I can’t do it, but it’s simply not within my scope of work and I’ve been instructed by XYZ not to do it. And repeat.

      If you don’t think you can emotionally detach, then seems like you need someone to tell him for you – you’ve tried and he isn’t listening or trying to understand. If the other option is likely losing it in a coffee shop, it’s time to ask for help.

    2. Hmm…#1) sounds lousy!

      how about Writing it out first and going over it with someone until you can say what you mean, clearly and concisely without emotion and closing the conversation with “Jack this is the final conversation about this, I/my team will not be doing XYZ”. Follow the meeting up immediately with an email restating “as discussed at our meeting, I /my team will not be doing XYZ”

      1. This is my chicken out preference but I wonder if you get ahead of it before the meeting “Jack, as we’ve discussed, I am not able to …” and then send through an agenda of what you actually will talk about it.

        2. I really like this idea but it’s usually an informal catch up and so we wouldn’t have an agenda. It would be the ideal situation but doesn’t really fit the type of meeting.

          1. I think an informal meeting could still benefit from an email laying the ground work: “To make the best use if our limited time together, let’s not spend any more time discussing the xyz reports that you have repeatedly asked me to prepare.” Then pick up the script from poster at 8:25.

      2. Agree and advise pre sending it along with agenda of items you do want to cover.

        This is bullying behavior that’s why you are at tears. It’s not logic and it feels personal.

        I’d copy whomever you need to on the agenda and note to convey you have air cover.

      3. This and make sure your own manager has your back. It really helps when a higher-up says “Our department doesn’t support that.”

    3. If you are now crying over this, you can’t handle it yourself and can’t avoid involving others. Email him reiterating the issues, and copy your actual boss and say something like “as I’ve explained, task is actually time consuming and complex. I can’t do it without taking time away from other responsibilities. Actual boss, let me know if you’d like me to do that.” And tell your actual boss you’ll be sending the email before you do it.

      1. Actual boss did already email him (9 forgot this bit) and he phoned me instead to say he still wanted to think of a way to do it. I’ve got more annoyed now I’ve thought about that part.

        1. Can you ask him to work it out with your boss. Say that you can’t do it unless your boss instructs you to, so please direct all ideas to the boss?

        2. It’s time to get your actual boss back involved. “Not Boss is repeatedly pushing to find a way to assign Task Y to me, despite my consistent feedback that I do not have the background or bandwidth for it and your email to him [last quarter]. How would you like me to handle? Should I send him your way?”

    4. This is why you have a boss. Your boss can work it out and also escalate appropriately. As a boss, I would hate having you in tears over something I could handle in 10 minutes, and no need to be indirect about it all. Tell boss the whole thing so she has the picture. Then go make nice over coffee and frame as you escalated because it’s clearly important to him and you don’t have bandwidth, that’s a more effective way to get what he wants, hope it works out.

      1. This. Escalate to your boss and step away from this situation. Pushy guy is coming back to you because you continue to engage. Set clear boundaries, disengage and escalate to boss.

      4. +2. As a boss, I’m always happy to be the bad guy. I’d want to know that he’s continuing to push for something we’ve already said no to. (And quite frankly that’s cause for ME to escalate it to HIS manager.)

        So. Tell me about it. I’ll send a clear note saying it’s not happening and if he has issues to talk to me directly. And when he tries to bring it up at your coffee, you say “Boss was adamant that I not do it, and I’m following her direction. Please take it up with her if you disagree. Now, how good is that latte?”

    6. I was in your exact situation. I reported to someone in home office but was located in a region and the branch manager, who was not my manager, kept trying to exert authority over me. It helps to recognize it for what it is, and that makes it easier to deal with. In my case I had my actual manager’s backing, which I hope you have too, and was able to say, my manager doesn’t support me doing ____, sorry, you’ll need to bring it up with him. And of course that never happened.

      You have my sympathies. I went through 5 different regional managers in a little over a decade and it was always, always a struggle getting these guys (yes all guys) to recognize that I didn’t report to them.

  2. Headed into the classroom to teach in person for the first time since 2019…wish me luck. I’ve been sitting with my attendance roster and youtube videos of how to pronounce Irish names.

    2. I feel you on the Irish names. My work has a substantial presence in Ireland so I have a lot of coworkers in Dublin. You absolutely cannot take a phonetic guess because you will be dead flat wrong.
      As an aside, working at an international company has also made me realize that putting pronouns in email signatures is completely practical and actually just smooths interactions with people you may never meet in person.

      1. And in NI, sometimes the pronunciation is more Gaelic or more English, depending on Protestant or Catholic affiliations. Oh boy….

    3. Wait, what did I miss? Have you moved from Scotland to Ireland, or are you still living in Scotland but teaching in Ireland?

      1. Living in Scotland, teaching in Northern Ireland (so same country but only just…). I’m here Mon-Wednesday and rent a room in a flat.
        Eventually we’ll figure out what to do long-term but for now, it’s feeling quite doable. It’s a quick flight (although a long trek to the airport), kiddo is being a champ about it, and husband has a Monday half-day, so he’s got kid-free time for himself.

    5. It went really well. Lecturing in a mask was so hard for the first 10 minutes, I felt like I was gasping between nerves and masks, but then I managed to catch my breath. A small group, just 12 and they had good chats.
      I’ve got 150 on Monday and Tuesday!

  3. Recs for a tourist in Chicago? This is my third trip to Chicago since 2015, although my first since 2019. I keep returning because DH is there for business and I love the city. By now I feel like I’ve done a lot of the more tourist things. I like to walk a lot, go to coffee shops, see interesting buildings. I’m less interested in spending hours in museums. We will be there in mid-October.

    2. I love the Ukrainian Village neighborhood, close to downtown and beautiful buildings and fun places to eat. There may be a walking tour map online somewhere.

      1. Thanks! I’m not familiar with this area, but it sounds like what I’m looking for.

        1. Ukrainian Village is great. If you keep heading a bit north and west you’ll hit Logan Square which is another neighborhood with lots of shops, restaurants and breweries. The 606 Trail also runs through this area. It’s a lovely elevated trail which takes you through several neighborhoods. Runs 2.7 miles east to west.

    3. I recommend picking a neighborhood to explore. I love Andersonville and Lincoln Square or both. The walk between those 2 neighborhoods is about 50 minutes and public transit is easily accessible, great residential street walk. Andersonville is full of vintage and thrift shops, coffee shops, and resturants. Plenty of excuses to pop in somewhere if the weather is bad.

      2. I live in between these two neighborhoods and agree on everything above. If you power walk the walk between them is more like 30 min, but you’ll want to stop places. Maybe start in Lincoln Square, grab breakfast at Cafe Selmarie or Geraldine’s on the square by the fountain, peruse books at The Book Cellar, and definitely go to Merz Apothecary for the best selection of soaps, perfumes, and lotions in the city. Oh, and get a hazelnut milk drink at Oromo and a vegan bite. Then walk east on Giddings from the square to Damen and turn left on Damen. On Damen, get coffee at Groundswell and pop into District for home decor and midcentury refurbished pieces. Walk north on Damen to Winnemac. Depending on how you’re feeling, you could either turn left on Winnemac and walk through Winnemac Park or turn right and walk another 10-15 min to Clark. Turn left on Clark and enjoy browsing all the way up north. Some of my favorite spots on Clark are Scout for home furnishings, Middle Eastern Grocery, Four Sided (cards, framing, and quirky gifts), m. henry (best brunch!), all the antique shops, Lost Larson for elegant pastries, and Uncharted for used books. Other cafes in the area include Coffee Studio, Kopi, La Colombe… so many options. Have fun!

        1. I copied this entire comment into a google keep for the next time I visit Chicago!

        2. Just a hearty hello to my ‘rette neighbor and a total endorsement for visiting our beautiful slice of Chicago. If the weather is nice, head up to the deck at Gene’s Sausage Shop for a drink and a brat!

    4. The Chicago Architecture Open House is Oct 16-17. I can’t speak to the pandemic experience but pre-2020 it was amazing. You can tour a ton of old and architecturally important buildings for free. Often they are building which are in use, but for a different purpose. For example, I finally saw the inside of the Elk’s National Buildling in lakeview.
      https://openhousechicago.org/

    5. Have you been to Oak Park to see the Frank Lloyd Wright house museum and walk the (lovely) neighborhood?

    6. Check out the Free Tours by Foot. There are lots of themed tours and in my experience the guides are exceptionally knowledgeable and friendly, and are good sources for recommendations for other places to see while you’re there.

  4. Hive, welcome your help on this one.

    October is breast cancer awareness month. I’m aware of the pink washing effect and would like to buy ribbons and maybe one raffle gift but i want the money to benefit BC research but just rando on Amazon.

    Komen doesn’t have ribbons or smalld. Any suggestions?

    2. I’d look into Bright Pink – my sorority in college’s philanthropy was breast cancer awareness and education and we worked with Bright Pink or ACS- never Komen.

      Funnily enough I’m headed in for a breast biopsy later today…

    3. My little sister was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer at age 30 — she’s in remission now, thank god — but she finds the awareness campaigns & especially Komen intensely frustrating, because everyone IS aware of breast cancer, and those campaigns do nothing to actually help patients! She’s starting a small nonprofit now focused on mutual aid for patients/survivors, providing for the incidental costs that insurance doesn’t — childcare and transportation during treatment, massages for thickened skin and lymphatic drainage, even getting takeout on the way home from radiation.

      Donating to a fund like this, or even someone’s crowdfunding campaign to pay their deductibles, might be a way to make an impact beyond just awareness this year.

      1. I think the campaigns are frustrating for many reasons (sexualizing cancer sometimes, making people think they’re supporting a cause when they aren’t, etc) but I disagree that people are aware of breast cancer. Many people are, but you’d be surprised by how many people are not, and how historically, breast cancer was something people just didn’t talk about.

        1. I totally believe that in the 1970s, people may not have really been aware of breast cancer and that women’s medical issues often aren’t talked about. But seriously what person in the United States in 2021 is not aware of breast cancer? Is there evidence that awareness is an issue now?

          1. The awareness that is lacking now is that stage 4 BC can kill you and that 30% of all early stage BC patients will progress on to stage 4/metastatic BC that is incurable. Only 3-5% of all funding goes to stage 4 research. For the original poster, I highly recommend Metavivor or BCRF. BCRF does great research and Metavivor – which is a stage 4 focused group – sends close to 100% of their funding straight to research and patients.

          2. I will say that my friends who died in their 30s/40s inevitably died of cancer. One friend can’t have kids b/c of aggressive cervical cancer.

            OTOH, now that people live longer, my grandmother had breast cancer but she was over 80 when diagnosed and died in her mid-90s, so some people may have a family history now that they didn’t have before (like my dad has had prostate cancer, which basically every man gets if they live long enough).

            Early cancers are what scare me; not cancer when I’ve already lived my life pretty fully. Not cancer when I still have decades of work I’d need to do to fund my retirement and young kids at home.

          3. As a 26 year old awaiting the results of my second breast biopsy – everyone my age knows about breast cancer but they all think of it as something their mom/aunt/grandma has and it’s not really discussed in terms of young adults.

            I have a friend who has BRCA while we are both cancer free, we’re both super open with friends about the “extra” stuff we do. Mammograms, ultrasounds and biopsies probably aren’t all that rare among middle aged women but she’s the only other person I know whose doing these things.

          4. Plenty of women don’t get regular mammograms or do self-exams, so I think there’s a lot of evidence that an awareness campaign is still useful. But they “awareness” part should focus on mammograms, not pink ribbons.

      1. For the Breast of Us is a great group to check out on minority breast cancer support

    5. BCRF has a link on their webpage to a number of different retailers who are working with them to support their cause this month. As a BC survivor, BCRF is a pretty well-respected organization and I happily support them.

    6. I wouldn’t give to Komen (Breast cancer researcher… while they have the most name recognition… I can’t say that they give out the most money or the most efficiently). I’d look for the breast cancer program at your local hospital and give money to their advocacy or training program if you’re looking to fund support for patients. Alternatively, the Damon Runyon training program or the AACR and ACS tend to do better work giving money back to support research.

    7. There is nothing cute, pink, and bow-like about a vicious disease like breast cancer. As a survivor I find the whole pink ribbon culture replusive.

  5. I am blaming mask wearing … my nose has 2-3 giant blackheads. Right next to one another, just under where my masks nose wires bend. Biore pore strips aren’t making a dent. I haven’t had major blackheads since, maybe, high school? (20 years) Is there anything I can try myself for a month or so before going paying someone to help? If yes – what do I purchase/do? If no – who do I go to and what do I ask?

    1. I find that salicylic acid works well for clogged pores. I use that plus a dab of cortisone for the inflammation. To be sure, this is for minor breakouts.

    2. Are you sure it’s acne and not a staph infection? I used to get chin breakouts, and acne treatments didn’t help. I finally figured out it wasn’t acne and would clean my desk phone with alcohol wipes and use an OTC antibiotic cream on my chin to clear it up.

      1. Yes, this! Especially if it was caused by the mask. My DS had a nasty case of cellulitis from mask wearing. It looked like a zit initially, but it wouldn’t go away.

    3. If they’re really blackheads and not red or inflamed, with pus, I would schedule a facial and get them extracted. I had some big chin blackheads at one point and no amount of physical or chemical exfoliation, or treatment with drying medications, would get them out. Went and got a facial and the facialist extracted them (and several others) in under a minute. If they’re really in there, the only way to get rid of them is to pop them out, and I strongly recommend having a professional do it.

    4. My daughter is an ICU RN and has been wearing a mask so much. Her facialist said to never wear a mask after eating without brushing teeth or using mouthwash. And not to reuse dirty masks. Hope that helps.

  6. for you lawyers out there – the Henrietta Lacks case – I completely agree that taking cells from anyone without their consent is completely and totally wrong. As is the fact that some of her own family members were suffering from illnesses and didn’t have access to health insurance. but what is the goal with the case? money? i read that they also want the company to be permanently enjoined from using the cells without their permission. so is it that they want to be able to give the consent now that she was unable to give years and years ago? do you think they plan on denying use of the cells?

    1. Yes clearly money. They’re seeking disgorgement of profits. That means boat loads of money. I hope they lose.

      1. Concur and then some. One of the legal issues is that you can’t impose 2021 standards on 1951; if getting her cells was legal and met medical ethics standards in 1951, you shouldn’t be able to get “disgorgement of profits” in 2021. Another problem is that they weren’t experimenting on *her* without her consent; by all accounts, the goal was treatment: what they did with her cells didn’t change the course of her treatment at all. If they were only seeking enjoinment of the use of her cell line, I would be more supportive; this is a clear money grab.

        1. thanks. this was my take as well, but wasn’t sure if i was wrong/a terrible person for thinking that way. if she had consented, it is not like she would’ve gotten boatloads of cash. and it is unclear to me what the harm to her was? and i say this as someone whose grandparents were Holocaust survivors and received reparation money from Germany so it is not like I don’t believe in reparations…but I believe the money was for the free labor they performed and/or due to the fact that their homes, property, etc. Oh and they money was given to them during their lifetime and ceased at their death.

          1. I don’t think informed consent as we think of it really existed at the time. And I may also be a terrible person, but I think that if a tumor is removed from someone and then someone else makes something of it, the person who hosted the tumor doesn’t get paid for it. American Type Culture Collection is the company that provides all sorts of cell lines for research and the vast majority of those were derived from tumors taken from people, and far as I know, none of them received payment.

          2. My understanding is that they removed malignant cells and gave them to someone to biopsy. She consented to that (it’s not like she didn’t consent to the lumpectomy or testing of her cells; she was close to death). What she didn’t consent to was further experimentation on her cells.

            I’m unclear as to what the damages to Lack or her grandchildren actually are. Any licensing deal made while Lack was alive would have long since expired. Had Lack lived long enough to sue, the statute of limitations would have expired. Her family already has control over the publishing of her genome.

          3. So yo don’t beleve in reparations for African p Americans, reparations are meant only for Jews. Ok, got it….

        2. If enjoinment means prohibit, that would be interesting. The HeLa cell line has been propagated to such an extent that 1) there are literally millions of tons of these cells in existence, and 2) what even is a HeLa cell anymore? I think this cell line is fairly, but not totally stable. So, if a lab has propagated the cell line for years and it has enough genetic changes, does it not count as a HeLa cell anymore?

          1. Nope, not even remotely genomically stable (true of most cancer cell lines), and the number of modifications boggles the mind- Hela that sense compounds or radiation or etc.

        3. But didn’t Johns Hopkins profit off HeLa cells for years and years? Why shouldn’t the family recoup? So callous to call it a “money grab.”

          1. Recoup means to “regain something that was lost.” What money did the Lacks family lose, pray tell?

          3. You mean you don’t see how the following generations might have benefited if there had been some compensation in the first place?

          4. +1. The term “money grab” is clearly intended to be dismissive, but so what if it is? We use money to make up for other kinds of harms and insults all the time, including ones that aren’t easily quantifiable in dollars.

        4. By modern standards, discarded tissue is not the property of the person who gave it up (Moore vs. UC Regents), but the problem with Hela is that the sins against her family continued after her death.
          The history of f*ckery with the Lacks family (i.e. blood draws to figure out which tumor cell lines were actually Hela) deserves both more recognition and recompense. I’ve worked with Hela, and other cell lines that experience with Hela made possible- would have happily paid for a license to do so to ensure that the persons who donate materials to science receive recognition and support from the disciplines that benefit from them.

        5. Agree with Concur above. I agree that 2021 medical ethics/standards shouldn’t be retroactively applied to 1951. In 2021, are people paid for cell/tumor samples? Not to my knowledge. In 1951, were people ever paid? Out of millions of samples in 1951, only one made money like HeLa. Should everyone who donates tissue be paid or get royalties like movie royalties if the inventions make money in the future? None of that makes sense to me. It would hobble legitimate scientific research that benefits us all. If they mistreated her or didn’t treat her in order to experiment – and yes, that has happened and is abhorrent – then yes, I would be open to her family getting something. But that is not the case.

          As far as using family members after, without their consent, their descendants might be entitled to some damages, but in the range of $1000 not $1,000,000. I think this is a money grab not just by the family but by their attorneys, which is the American way. $1000 invested in 1951, in 2021 dollars would be ~$28,000 using the DJIA as an investment rate. So HL’s husband, children each would be entitled to $28,000 each. That would be fair.

          Assuming that in 1951, medical study participants were paid, say $50, you could put an annual interest rate on that and invest it forward to 2021 and pay that. But that wouldn’t make the attorneys happy. $50 would have made her family better off after her death but wouldn’t make them millionaires today.

    2. I would argue that this is not as simple as ‘different ethical standards in 1951’. This is not the case of the nevermind baby suddenly seeking a payout.
      Researchers approached the family for even more samples in the 70ies to help with research, still withholding what they were doing with Henrietta’s cells. They published medical records and DNA sequences without consent of the family. This has been a topic of debate in scientific ethics for basically four decades now but all the recognition that has happened is lip service. I think the suit serves to create broader awareness, whatever the outcome.

        1. right, and that was an agreement with the NIH. All recognition so far has come from public research institutions, naming stuff after Henrietta Lacks to highlight her contribution. The family is now asked to allow further use of the genetic information for research purposes, which they typically do, and stress that they appreciate the valuable contribution to medical research.
          On the other side, private companies have been profiting off of this cell line unlike any other for a long time and have not recognized the murky provenance of it in a public way. I recognize that they might not have a legal claim, I totally recognize law and ethics are not always in agreement. All I am saying is I don’t blame them for bringing it up.

    3. Overeaters Anonymous is still around and helps all kinds of people who with food problems. The weekly meetings are judgement free.

    4. I have to say that the responses here were much more dismissive than I expected. I am disappointed.

  7. TW: weight loss.

    Do I need a nutritionist or dietician (or neither? something else)?

    I know a lot about weight loss and food in general. I know about macros, the importance of strength training, moving your body, hydration, need for protein, etc. The last nutritionist I had basically showed me a food pyramid and told me to eat lots of salmon…. not helpful. I just am an over worked, “big finance”, late 30s mom who needs help and who needs to lose weight for health reasons above all. I’m not looking for a short cut. I’m undeniably overweight and my health (physical and mental) need to shed the 40 lbs that I believe I am over my body’s desired “normal” weight, which is still overweight per BMI. I know BMI is BS but point being I’m not trying to be stick thin even. My gain is in part due to pandemic life but mostly due to two grueling years of fertility treatments and medications that have destroyed me. One positive from my diagnosis and treatments is I learned (way too late in life) I have insulin resistant PCOS, factors that I’d think should be weighed in whatever plan/professional I pursue. I use to run half marathons. I have it in me, I just have to find it and need help doing so.

    I need accountability, a bespoke plan of some kind. I had a lot of success on WW pre child #1. It also groomed very unhealthy food habits (not looking to debate that at this time) so I won’t be going back. The in-person weekly meetings were motivational to me for sure.

    Does this service I describe exist? Maybe hire a personal trainer who would craft a weekly exercise/strength plan and hire someone to help with the food? I don’t know. Money isn’t really an issue – this is a priority. Thoughts? Kindness, please. thank you!

    1. Hugs. I definitely recommend hiring someone to cook in your situation – I know a few people who have done that and it’s cheaper than takeout.

      1. This. It doesn’t sound as if your problem is knowledge or motivation, just time. Hire a personal trainer and a personal chef to optimize your time.

      2. Concur with this. I’m going to add that a fair number of people with PCOS have had success (varying levels) with cutting carbs.

      3. Yes!! I am in a similar boat and finally realized that all my intentions were not going to amount to anything unless I made everything incredibly easy on myself. I don’t have the money to get a personal chef, but I basically do the same thing but with premade healthy meals from either Trader Joe’s or a local service. The fact that I have food ready that is so easy to heat up and tastes great keeps me on track. The convenience factor has helped me a ton. I spend 30 mins on the weekend measuring yogurt or oatmeal into jars and packing fruit into containers I can just grab and go, and all my meals and snacks are handled for the week.

        I’m not saying this is the way for you, but I’m just saying that a personal chef or meal service (and a trainer if you can afford it) might make eating healthier so convenient that you don’t even have to think about it. This has been more helpful for me than going to a nutritionist who told me lots of complicated meals I should be eating every week, which just overwhelmed me.

    2. I am not expert by any means, do take this for what it’s worth. I dislike having to pay obsessive attention, count, measure or be squeezed on any level surrounding food.

      What has worked for me to lose and maintain AND still partake in the great pleasure of eating is the no S diet.
      I bought the very non scientific book with the idea of hey~ I’ll try it and can always choose another path. Amazingly it is exactly what works for me.

      Wishing you well on your journey.

    3. I’d strongly consider meal delivery if money isn’t an issue, or a home chef if you prefer home cooked. These services can make sure 60% of your plate is veggies, that you get filling fats and proteins. 90% is what you eat, but you’ll feel better with exercise too. If you can afford it, I’d interview 2-3 dietician/personal trainer combos (some fancy gyms and clinics in my area advertise this). Ask a friend or acquaintance who you know uses one. Explain what you want, and what you think you’ll need. And also, plan for sustainable weight loss to take a couple years. 40 lbs at 2 lbs off per month is better than 10 lbs off in 2 months followed by 12 lbs up over the holidays.

    4. Is what you really need accountability or simply feasibility? The suggestion to hire someone to cook for you is a good one. Holding yourself “accountable” to unrealistic goals that you don’t have time to meet is not going to be useful.

    5. Get a real dietitian, and they’re not all the same. I’d browse around for someone who will help you make meal plans and do check-ins.I go to one with my mom who helps her custom plan and it’s all via zoom. We do one day of cooking, but if you don’t have time it’s something a caterer or home chef could help you do.
      Meal delivery could also work.

    6. You need a personal chef. Someone to take your dietary needs and make you good food. That’s where I’d throw the money. Knowledge is useless if you don’t have time to do anything with it.

    7. You need a psychologist to help you stick to a plan. There is not some magic plan out there. You need to end the search for a correct magic plan. Sleep enough, drink enough water, move your body a bit every day (short walk, 15 mins yoga, whatever, and eat a reasonable portion of real food not processed junk. That’s it. It’s annoying and a PITA but there is no magic plan.

      WW worked for me – tracks water, sleep and focus on fruits/veggies/lean protein nothing is prohibited. If I want pizza and chocolate cake, I eat it and balance it out with focusing on being very health on other days.

      If your weight goal is a 40lbs loss and that still puts you in an overweight BMI category, you need to take this seriously. BMI isn’t an exact science but if you are inactive and above the BMI overweight category, BMI isn’t BS – it’s a rough guideline that you need to deal with your health.

    8. Depending on what your actual weight is, you may also want to consider medication and/or bariatric surgery. The new meds are impressive and seem to be much better than the old ones. And bariatric surgery is the gold standard for weight loss. It’s very hard, but ha permanent results, unlike all the yo-yo dieting. As someone who had struggled with weight since I was 5, I highly recommend talking to an actual doctor who can help you work through various interventions and find something that will last. Finally, I also recommend CBT for emotional eating if that’s something you deal with. Good luck. This stuff is so hard.

      1. Yes, was coming here to say think about bariatric surgery. I had a sleeve gastrectomy at a BMI of… what? Maybe 34? Far too small to have insurance pay for it, but the surgery was a breeze and I had a great outcome. I lost 60+pounds and have kept it off (although I am probably 10 pounds up from my very-skinny lowest weight). I always say it leveled the playing field and I finally don’t have to spend every waking moment thinking about weight and food. There are those who will judge and say “it’s the easy way out” and to that I say “high five for the easy way out!”

        1. You know, this is interesting. I’ve been struggling my entire life. Quite seriously. I think my BMI is about a 33-34 right now. I honestly haven’t stepped on a scale in a while for the sake of my mental sanity. I’m really tired of it invading my thoughts as seriously as it does.

          Should a good PCP be able to have these kinds of conversations with me? My PCP is – ok -. Takes appointments when I’m sick, seems thoughtful enough but I feel like I’m “yes’d” a lot and she’s not a partner in my health, per se. I’d seek a new PCP before barking up this tree, but it’s an interesting one.

          Thanks to everyone else for being thoughtful and kind. It’s delicate, but I really do appreciate it.

          1. As an oldster, who struggled for years with diets, and tried them all, I suggest it is time for medications. I went to a bariatric center, and I was not overweight enough for surgery, but they referred me to a doc who specializes in medications for weight loss. Obesity is, in part, a hormonal disorder, and medications can help enormously with that. Enough trying to do it on your own. Medications still require that you eat mindfully, cut calories, eat more healthfully, etc. But you will have more success in sticking with it.

          2. I was the one to suggest weight-loss medication to my otherwise-lovely family physician. They are totally on board now that they’ve seen my results. Own your own health – have the conversation! Trixie’s comments are all very thoughtful and I agree with them.

          3. I did research online (heh — that terminology is tainted these days, isn’t it?) and then asked my PCP about it and she encouraged me to go ahead. I found the articles and forums at http://www.obesityhelp.com helpful, but this was 11 years ago and I can’t vouch for how they are now. I was lucky enough to find a compassionate and caring doctor in my area and if money really is no object and you would consider traveling for surgery, I highly recommend him: https://www.dssurgery.com/about-us/ara-keshishian-md/

        2. SA I’m 100 pounds over ideal weight though 40 plus round of ivf and a lot of stress contributed in last 6 years. I dont like to eat but don’t have the healthiest diet as a caregiver with fte job and old house etc.

          Do you others think that sleeve would help?

      2. Was coming here to recommend speaking to your doctor and considering medication. It’s not a cop-out and the new medications are awesome. Sounds like you have had a TIME, and it would be great for you to have a tool that will absolve you of feeling this crushing sense of responsibility for biology/genetics that is entirely out of your personal control. Good luck and be kind to yourself!

    9. I really like the book “The Wall Street Diet.” It’s about understanding what triggers you and life hacks to make better choices. The author is a RD.

      I have had a PT in the past and she was great about understanding that my goal was weight loss. We did a weigh in before each session and she was gentle in going through a food diary with me. It was an accountability coach and check-in, and I loved it. She helped me eat to fuel and not out of boredom or emotion, which was really helpful for me.

      Good luck to you!

  8. Ladies, my 16 year old niece is coming to visit me this weekend. I want to take her to someone who can talk to her about makeup. Any ideas? Sephora? Ulta? Beauty counter at a dept store? Ideally it’ll be someone who can talk to her about skin care and make-up. TIA!

    1. No no no do not do this. She and her parents are already on top of skin care and makeup. Don’t interfere.

      Signed, mom of a 15-year-old

      1. Maybe. Maybe not. My mother never spoke to me about any of that and refused to let me go to a dermatologist. Instead, I spent all my babysitting money buying cheap cosmetics and Clearasil (and shoplifted what I wanted but couldn’t afford). My skin was pretty awful for years and the only time my mother was helpful was when she agreed to put concealer on the zits on my shoulders when I was in a wedding at 25 while she kept saying “I am a lot more concerned about your face. I don’t know what you are going to do about that.” Not everyone has the same experience.

        1. Anon @ 11:31 – my experience was almost exactly the same! No support whatsoever from my mom, even though was bad case of acne and would have responded well to treatment. Also wouldn’t allow me to wear or buy makeup. A few years later I was visiting and not wearing any foundation – she asked about the awful rash on my face. “That’s my acne scarring”

      2. Not all moms are supportive in this way. My charitable interpretation of my own experience was that it was a combination of not knowing about skincare or haircare and wanting to devalue the importance of appearances. But since my peers cared about looks, it just led to a rough childhood all around and some really sad teen years. I would have loved for someone, anyone to have intervened without asking my mom.

    4. This sounds very patronizing… unless you’ve planned this together (as the “fun aunt day out” type of thing) I would be mortified to be surprised with a lesson on my face.

      1. I really wish my female relatives had tried to bond with me over anything, ANYTHING, other than my appearance. It was well-intentioned but damaging.

        1. I would take her out for high tea (if she’s remotely into that), a science museum, a history tour, etc.

          1. When I was a teen, I went to high tea with some friends for a birthday party and it was AMAZING. It felt so grown up and fancy.

          2. It’s fun and it’s also a good introduction to a Very Fancy place. I appreciated this as an adult; in my 20s and early 30s, I did a lot of work with political campaigns and was sometimes dragged along to, e.g., the Ritz for post-fundraising event drinks. It was nice that I had at least been to a similar place for tea and didn’t feel like my eyes were popping out of my head.

          3. Yes! I would’ve loved all of those things. I’d also vote for something physical and active – a day at the rock climbing gym, renting kayaks on the local river, a hike with a view. I wish I’d had more female role models to show me that what’s important is what my body can DO, not what it looks like. I really struggled at times with how beauty and appearance-focused (and diet-focused) a lot of female bonding is.

    5. If 16 year old is really into makeup and has said she’d love to go shopping in the big city, Sephora or Morphe- popular with teens. If not, and your post makes it sound like an intervention, stop this nonsense now.

    6. If this is something she’s expressed interest in, Bluemercury or Aveda. If not, back off.

    7. If she is asking to go, my 13 year old niece loves both Sephora and Ulta and thinks department store counters are lame. She can spend 45 minutes browsing in these stores becasue she absolutely loves makeup.
      If she isn’t asking to go, but you’re concerned about her skin, please don’t say anything. As a kid who had horrible acne for 10 years, the issue wasn’t skin care; it was an underlying medical issue. I just wanted to pretend people didn’t notice my bad skin even though I knew they did.

    8. I wish I had an Aunt like you when I was 16! My mother taught me nothing about grooming, hair care, skin care and makeup. I was never taught to shave, pluck eyebrows, do a manicure, how to blow out my hair or anything beauty related. Since there was no internet, I had to rely on Seventeen Magazine circa 1990. I always felt like an ugly duckling (she didn’t help with those feelings either TBH). Then I went to college and watched what everyone else was doing and I figured it out. Frankly, my self esteem was garbage as a result of lack of parental guidance on these things.

      Stepping off my soap-box, assuming your niece wants this, I second the recommendations from others about Sephora and Morphe.

      1. Isn’t that how all teenagers learn these things, though? By figuring it out? My teenager at least refuses to hear anything from me about personal grooming.

        1. Teenagers can figure it out. We all did it and it’s not a bad thing to not be taught costly, time-intensive “beauty standards.” A lot of my friends never wore make-up except for things like prom and it was fine. We were playing sports and doing other things instead and no one felt deprived. Make-up could be a fun costume-y thing rather than an intense daily routine thing.

          1. And that’s great. Great that “no one felt deprived” in your circle. But literally millions of humans wear make up daily and it’s not “costume-y” or “an intense daily routine thing”. Everyone has different preferences. Even teenagers.

        2. No, some people are actually taught how to wear make-up. Maybe their moms send them off to Sephora for a special birthday present or their friends learned and teach them. But it is not easy to “figure it out” on your own.

          1. When I expressed interest in makeup as a tween, I did get such a special birthday gift – from my parents – appointment at the Clinique counter for what I now know was an age-appropriate starting point. They honestly did an awesome job in getting me started with lighter-coverage products and neutral shades so I felt grown-up & polished but wasn’t spackling it on – looking back at pictures verifies!

        3. Teenagers today, for good and bad, are bombarded with TickTok and YouTube, and can easily learn about grooming, if they wish. FWIW, my teenager is interested in personal grooming. When he asks, I give him advice.

        4. I love makeup and am good at it, but my mother contributed zero to any of this. I got no guidance and must have figured it out somehow, but honestly cannot remember how!

      3. I was not taught anything about shaving, plucking, manicures, etc. in the beauty realm and I felt smart and strong and confident and beautiful. I think the “you are” messages sent through all of childhood are far more important than teaching my kids to dry their hair. Those beauty rituals sort themselves out when one starts from a place of self worth. I am sorry that OP didn’t get the bigger tools and had to develop those; the feelings of cluelessness were likely about the big picture.

    9. If she did not ask for this, I would vote against this.

      If you want to do something beauty related, just take her to Isle Pedi spa for a mani/pedi, or if you are in a splurge mood, go get facials at the Houstonian. Isle Pedi Spa at Rice Village has the added bonus of you can browse around the shops before hand and IF she wants to go into Sephora then she can.

    10. I’m assuming that this is something your niece wants, in which case it is really sweet. I lost my mom at a young age and I would have loved for someone to do this for me.

      In my city Ulta is less of a chaotic scene than Sephora but think about what you want — is it a lesson? Is it for her to feel like she can replicate it herself? Are you planning to buy a bunch of products for her? I think the best experience would be at a smaller shop like Bluemercury but their products are $$$ so that may not be sustainable for a teen.

    11. A) Is the niece into this idea?
      B) Have you talked to her mom?

      I think this could be lovely, or it could go terribly sideways. And do not get involved with anything involving appearances unless you’ve cleared it with the parent first; that is some big-time overstepping.

      1. Mom of teen here. Yes on the dangers of overstepping. We’ve already got skin care covered with the dermatologist, thank you very much. I don’t need a busybody aunt taking her to Sephora and getting her sold on a bunch of expensive nonsense that will just make things worse. Or telling my kid that I’m not doing enough to support her on these issues. Take her for a manicure instead, but still ask the mom first.

        1. I would hate for someone to take my daughter for a manicure, especially if it is set up as a fun, cool thing to do. If my daughter stumbles down that money pit, let that be her own mistake, not with the blessing and encouragement of a trusted family member.

          1. … huh? It’s a manicure, not a brazilian wax. It’s $30. Getting a manicure once doesn’t mean you’re locked into getting them for life.

          3. Why would it be a money pit if you don’t have her get a full set of artificial nails? Also the pedicure is such a nice thing, my feet are Hobbit feet and I want to live life as an Elf or some other being with pretty feet.

          2. Seriously. I’m assuming good intentions that the teen wants to learn more about makeup, etc. I think it sounds like a fun activity and I would have loved to do this when I was a teenager.

          3. I think this all came from the OP’s phrasing- “OP wants to take teen” and “wants someone who can talk to her” — it doesn’t sound like it was the teen’s idea!

          4. Exactly, Cat. It sounds like an intervention to help the sloppy teen escape from the influence of her controlling puritanical parents.

    12. If she has asked you to go, then Ulta, because they sell some drugstore brands and on a teen budget that’s probably what she’ll repurchase for herself.

      My daughter is 20 and was obsessed with Glossier at that age. Still is to some degree.

      1. (Also since my daughter and I had to figure this out, it’s Gloss-ee-a, the French pronunciation)

    13. I did a lesson with a makeup artist with my mom and it was a lot of fun. I felt like I was on tv! It was more fun than a makeup counter at a mall because the artist was legit, though she might like Sephora or similar if you’re buying.

    14. My single biggest complaint about this board is that someone will ask a specific question (“where should I take my niece”) and get dozens of responses that are not answers to the question that was asked but people offering unsolicited opinions who do not know anything about the situation or the people involved offering advice that is not requested or relevant.

      Could we please assume that the professional woman who asked the question did not want to write super long post about how she talked to the niece’s mother/niece is interested/etc.? At MOST anyone who responds with a useful suggestion might add “As an aside, you should make sure her mom is OK with this.”

      It is a makeup lesson; a couple of hours at most. Not a piercing or tattoo. Not a weeklong trip or even a full day. It does not preclude time spent together doing other things over the weekend. And if niece is really not interested, I am reasonably sure she can make that apparent.

    15. Sephora is probably your best bet, though I’m Team Makeup not Team Skincare (which I think is mostly “hope in a jar” unless you are getting advice from a dermatologist). My teen won’t listen to me about anything makeup-related, it would be great if a stylish relative could help her find something she’d use sometimes.

  9. I miss my mom. For so many reasons but specifically today because im trying to decide whether to buy a dress. Pros: color, cut, quality maker will be great quality, actually available in my size which is a real challenge to find, $450 which is a great price, it’s a custom made dress which would ordinarily be 3k+, and im not really finding other options. Cons: will I lose weight and it will be too big? It’s a bit more covered up than I’d like. The hem is a bit long and Idk if I could hem in.

    Mom would have known what to do.

    1. Buy the dress, dress the body you have now. In time, if you do lose weight and still like the dress, have it altered. And I’m sorry about your mom.

    2. been there. my mom was the best for all of these silly decisions. DH and I just bought a house and trying to choose a paint color without her is so hard (yes i realize that sounds ridiculous, but she was such a good sounding board and knew how to help me through my decision making process)

    3. Your mom would want you to feel fabulous! This is a great price for a dress that’s made for YOUR body. More covered is better than less, more flexible on places to wear it.

      Also, hugs!

    4. Sending so much love and sympathy. I’m frequently at a loss because the solution to x has always been to call mom. It sucks.

      It sounds like you have challenges finding good quality, well-fitting dresses and are willing to spend on it. If that’s the case, get the dress. Take it to a tailor to have it hemmed and ask about other alterations if you like, even future options if you were to lose weight. It will be worth spending the money to make sure it’s something you really will wear.

    5. I’m maybe your mom’s age so I’ll weigh in: Do you love it? Can you have it altered to be a bit shorter and less covered up? If so, then go for it — plus a million to “dress the body you have now!” And hugs!!

    6. Been there, still miss my mom after 27 years. She missed my college graduation, law school graduation, wedding, my brother’s wedding, and the birth of all 5 of her grandchildren, and a million other small things. And agree with what others said about the dress. Hugs.

  10. I am considering pulling the trigger on this LED mask, but it is super spendy. For me, help with aging skin; for my daughter, help with acne. Any real life experiences?

    1. Not with that particular one, but a neutrogena one and later a handheld wand one did wonders with my acne in my late 20s. Have not tried them for anti aging, but do recommend light therapy for acne all the time. I still have the wand one that I use when I feel a stubborn chin breakout coming on.

      2. My other comment is stuck in mod, but it seems the Neutrogena mask was recalled and is not being sold anymore. Is there another comparable product that people recommend?

    3. The Neutrogena masks were recalled and are no longer being manufactured, FYI for folks who don’t know. They’re not intrinsically unsafe but there were some cases of eye damage that happened when people used them for too long (contrary to package instructions) or a couple of kids used them without supervision. I still have one that I’m running with a third-party-manufacturer battery pack.

      If my Neutrogena mask stops working I’ll get one of the LED masks from Amazon that costs a small fraction of the one you linked to. My understanding is that LED light technology is not complicated and the more-expensive devices do nothing groundbreaking. I will say that I have found red LED treatment does wonders for my skin, for both acne and wrinkles, and has also helped significantly with the androgenetic alopecia hair loss on my frontal scalp (along with regular use of women’s rogaine). I am totally pro-mask but just don’t believe in spending hundreds of dollars on one.

      1. OP here – incredibly helpful, as I just saw the derm last week, who suggested I start on Rogaine (to be purchased as Costco, apparently). Definitely proceeding with LED! Thank you!

  11. My boyfriend and I are doing the Whole30 at my suggestion – less for weight loss, more for reset/cook more at home. Well, we’re 3 weeks in and I cheated out of habit today – pulled in to Starbucks and got a super sugary drink. (Tastes EXTRA SWEET thanks to the last few weeks). Should I tell him?

    1. Girl, that was no habit, it’s impossible to forget you’re doing that horrid diet. I tell my husband everything because that’s the way we roll. In relationships where I didn’t, they felt wrong.

      1. In my experience, it’s impossible to forget when any of your friends are doing that diet too. It becomes their sole source of conversation.

          1. Actually, I don’t think my friends were starving, unlike so many other diets, but the program is so strict and lays on so much guilt over stupid things that they become obsessed with it. I did what used to be called a “Paleo challenge” just one time in my life and I’m still dealing with residual “rules” thinking that has persisted to this day.

      1. If you’re three weeks in you’re almost done, right? I would keep this all to myself. It’s not like you were downing a frappucino every day, you got a single drink.

        1. Totally agree. You had one “contraband” treat during a weeks-long diet program. It’s ok. We aren’t meant to live according to strict regimens like that. Give yourself a break. You don’t really have anything to “confess” and the fact you feel you do reinforces that this is part of an unhealthy diet.

    3. Aren’t you supposed to start over at the beginning if you cheat? So now you have 30 more days to go?

      1. Yep those are the rules of Whole 30. If you go off plan, you need to start all over. And yes, I would tell your boyfriend.

          1. Hahahahaha you must not be familiar with the Whole30 founder. She’s the definition of Whole30 police. A real piece of work.

    4. I believe you don’t keep secrets in healthy relationships. There are a ton of things I never tell DH because he doesn’t care and I promptly forget (think: I talked to my grandmother today and she told me all about her bowling friends). If you’re intentionally not telling him something because you want to keep it hidden and it isn’t a birthday present, then it’s a secret. So tell him.

      1. Wow. Maybe it’s time to step back and get some perspective? It’s just a coffee. I am battling cancer right now and soon will be on a liquid diet for two weeks to prepare for the next surgery. What I would give for something like this to be a dilemma.

        Take care of yourself physically and mentally. One shouldn’t have to sacrifice the other.

        If your parent or child were to describe this situation, would you be down on them for a sip versus a cup? Some self love should matter just as much.

        1. Under Whole30 rules sip or cup doesn’t matter. You have to reset the clock.

          1. They’re fake rules. Seriously. They aren’t real rules, they’re bullshit disordered eating rules that are just as toxic as every other fake diet rule. She doesn’t have to restart, she doesn’t have to be doing this.

          2. This is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. No wonder people have effed up relationships with food.

    7. Yes, tell him you cheated. Then when he’s freaking out and thinks your relationship is over, tell him you had a few sips of sugar instead. Then everyone can regain some perspective :)

        1. Ha, yes, the tone of the original post had me thinking that maybe the OP cheated with the barista who made the drink, not that the OP drank a silly drink.

    8. Yup. “Oh man I totally messed up today and got a Starbucks. No way am I resetting this diet though. Can’t wait until [your end date]…please pass the roasted veggies.”

      Don’t hide it. Think about how you would feel if he “hid” it and you found out? What, do you think he’s going to berate you or think less of you? if so, you’re with the wrong guy anyway.

      1. This. Honestly the people who get off on whole 30 or intermittent fasting being as disordered and toxic are as bad as the people they think they’re mocking.

  12. Our department has recently hired a new admin person, a young-ish woman. She starts off every single e-mail that is addressed to multiple people* with the salutation “Hello, ladies!” For some reason I find this incredibly annoying and somewhat offensive. Not going to say anything to her, just needed to vent in cyberspace.

    *Department is over 90% female

    1. Does it not beat “gentlemen” for a 50/50 audience? That is the world I’ve been living in.

      2. For real, I am frequently copied on correspondence to “Gentlemen” and would love a “Hello Ladies” email.

          1. Ladies is the equivalent of Gentlemen though. To me it doesn’t signal a ladies luncheon, all it signals is that you’re emailing women.

      3. Hard agree. I’d much rather be sent a ‘ladies’ email to a mixed group than be referred to as “one of the guys in X team”

    2. I think you should say something–she is young, new to the job, and would benefit from an update on this. I bet others are offended as well. Offer her some alternatives, “Hello Everyone!” or, “Dear Co-workers” and let her choose.

      1. Agree, gently let her know that there are plenty of gender neutral terms she could use. I use “team” a lot, I know it’s corporate jargon but at least you’re just annoyed not offended. Only time I would use “ladies” is if it’s very specific regarding the ladies restroom or ordering womens t-shirts where the sizing is different or something like that…

    3. I work with somebody who does this too and I find it so grating. I don’t bring it up because this is someone who once burst into tears when I asked her to knock before entering my office when the door was closed.

      1. Agreed. Grating.
        Slightly better than “Hello Miss Nesprin” (am Dr. Nesprin, and my male colleagues get Dr. Colleague) from my admin.

        1. My primary doc and the specialist I need quite frequently are both female. It has been so eye opening to me how everyone–male or female–from front office staff at the nearby hospital to my surgeons often will say things like “have him send along your last blood panel” or “when is the last time you saw him” or whatnot. Every time I do a big pause and say SHE. I can’t even imagine how draining this must be for both of them in their work lives if I’m a patient and hitting this on the regular.

  13. Has anyone used Hunter-type Wellies for wading into an ankle-deep stream? I volunteered to help with a stream cleanup coming up and will need to hike in from a path. They have some hip waders in giant feet sizes and I’m thinking that footwear that fits is better. I think of these as fashion / rain items but it seems that they should work for a bit of immersion also.

    1. You are going to be miserable if the water comes in over the top. I wouldn’t do it in boots shorter than knee height.

    2. They are fashion items in the US but they were originally developed as work boots and are fully waterproof (assuming you have the normal rubber tall ones). So yes, they would be fine.

    4. I mean this is literally what they were made for – tromping across damp countryside and puddles – so you’re good. (I use my Hunters as winter boots with a liner primarily because my issue is Mystery Slush Puddles of Unknown Depth at corners.)

  14. Here’s a shopping challenge for you all – I love the look of mules but have traditionally found them hard to walk in or eventually painful for my feet. Any mules you would recommend that stay on feet easily? Or should I just go for shoes with backs? Tips or tricks?

    1. I ignore all mules when I shop for shoes. No way will they ever stay on my feet and I’ll be miserable.

    2. For me, the mules that stay on best have some kind of heel to push your foot forward.

  15. Has anyone bought any white or cream colored shells to wear under jackets lately? Any suggestions?

    1. I like Quince cream silk shell. It’s a little short — if you’re long-torsoed it won’t work for you. I hand wash and steam after it’s dried to remove wrinkles. Not at all see-thru. Recommended!

  16. Reposting from the last post for more exposure:

    Yesterday’s Office Life thread was fascinating to me. I have the opportunity to influence the design of new office space for my company and I’m looking for ideas. We are in pandemic response and, for the most part, have been in-office for the duration of the pandemic (everyone is getting gigantic bonuses, extra time off, and has been effectively encouraged to take time off/use support resources. The redesign is in no way trying to make up for the last 18 months, our lease in our current space is just up soon). In the before times, what was your favorite part of your workplace? Availability of huddle spaces? Well-placed plants? Freedom to decorate your office? Out-of-the-box decoration of your office so you didn’t have to do anything? Was the kitchen/break room great and why? Anything that put a smile on your face as you walked through the space? Thanks in advance!

      1. As long as the windows go to the outside and the door is solid. For five years I worked in a job I hated; I cried in my office more often than I can tell you and I appreciated the solid walls and door (with a lock). After I left, the company updated the offices and installed glass walls. I can’t imagine how horrible that would have been.

        1. +1,000. All of our offices are internal and have full glass fronts. It’s terrible. I get that the cubes should have natural light, but it seems like there should be a way for both groups to have some access to natural light?

          1. My office has a glass front but the middle 2/3 is frosted. So you get light, but also privacy.

            I miss my office. I had a really great office – no windows, but with the glass front, it wasn’t too gloomy. It was large and quiet and I had a nice big desk I could spread things out on.

    3. 1. Having an office with a door
      2. Having a small office with a door
      3. Having a tiny office with a door
      4. Having a tiny windowless office with a door
      (Can you tell I absolutely loathe open office plans? Impossible to focus.)

      5. Having a break room with a real refrigerator (not dorm size – i.e., plenty of space), microwave, sink, water cooler, and Keurig (BYO pods)
      6. Literally anything else

      1. You wrote my list! Outside of an office with a door that closes, ample refrigerator space is important to me.

        No glass walls. Not in offices or conference rooms. My former big firm changed the conference rooms to glass, and it was so distracting during meetings, depositions, etc. The sound seemed to carry more too. If you absolutely must install glass, do it at the very top of the room only please.

        1. Glass also makes it easy to forget that what is on your whiteboard or overhead isn’t as private as you might think.

    4. Office with a door that closes. I don’t need decorations, free food, pretty plants, or motivational signs. I just need to be treated with respect as a human and that includes having a door that closes.

    5. –Ability to block overhead fluorescents. Those are an instant migraine for me. I had a CubeShield, but had to ask permission to buy and install it. I wore a giant sunhat until the approval came through.

      –Ability to block overhead vents. I had cold air shooting straight down my neck ten hours a day. I could not get away from the constant bombardment of being miserably cold. It was so bad that my thighs got rashy from the goosebumps rubbing against my pants’ seams.

      I don’t care about pretty plants. I care about the space causing me pain or discomfort.

      1. Oh, yes, not fluorescent or cool-toned LED lights! Get LED with a slightly warmer, more natural color temperature. Blue LEDs or fluorescent make everything seem like the Twilight Zone.

        1. …headaches and being cold means “sensory issues”? That’s just simple human comfort.

    6. My last job was in an open office space for 2 years, so my favorite part of my current workspace is walls and doors.

      Beyond that, the most important things to me aren’t flashy, but are hugely important long-term: Good lighting and the ability to control it, ventilation, noise reducing surfaces. I dream of an HVAC system that allows individual control of the temperature, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t exist.

      1. I worked in a space where each individual office had a radiator with on/off and level control. If was awesome. As for air, I could turn off the vent and put a blocker over it, but some of the cold air still drifted through. At least I had real windows I could open to let the warm air in. I was really comfortable working in that office, for about the only time in my work history. Otherwise, it’s using space heaters in 90-degree weather to combat the aggressive ac.

    7. Privacy. I worked in an open office plan and hated that I had to book a conference room for quick calls to the doctor or other private conversations. Some small private spaces or phone booths would be a nice addition to open plans. Of course, separate offices with doors would be even better.

    8. Concur with everyone on doors. But IF you must have an open office plan, for the love of everything you hold dear, please don’t have the break room also be part of the open space. Have it somewhere separate. There needs to be a common understanding that people will try to minimize noise in the open office, duck into a conference room for calls, for it to work out. Then you want to be able to have relaxed conversations while making coffee, not keep your voice low because you are still in the same space.

    9. I was in an office that had a mix of offices and open floor plan with hoteling desks. Due to my tenure, I was in the open floor plan part. I really appreciated that the walls and doors within the office were all glass and that the open floor plan abutted the windows, so that the entire office was very bright and felt more “fair” for those of us not senior enough for offices. All offices were fair game to book spur of the moment (using screens on the door) if the occupant was not in person that day, so it was always easy to get privacy for a meeting or just to be alone (read: cry if stressed).

      1. Our two-story building has a skylight and an opening in the second floor to let light through to the ground floor.

    12. I love the consensus! I completely agree – everyone will have an office with soundproofing insulation in the walls and a solid wood door. Lighting is a good consideration. I’m thinking of having a large open area on one side of the office (away from offices even though office inhabitants should be able to close doors and not hear anything) for whole-office morning huddles and impromptu group conversations that don’t warrant a conference room. That will also give us space for our Kanban-style visuals of project progress.

      Thank you for the ideas and please keep them coming!

      1. OK since we’re past the office point :)

        – Concrete or laminate floors look nice and modern and all, but hurt to stand on for long periods of time, and can be loud. They can also be slippery to walk on, especially in heels.
        – Adjustable desk setups for ergonomics
        – HVAC. Can people possibly control their own?
        – Do not use “words as art” or motivational posters. Pretty natural scenes or local landmarks are popular office art for a reason.
        – If you’re including plants, budget for their routine care and replacement. Nothing is more depressing than a dead office plant.
        – No scents anywhere
        – “Warm” LEDs or fluorescents
        – Have a door to the kitchen area so smells stay confined
        – If it’s an option to have a few cafe tables and chairs outside during mild weather, those are popular with my office for getting some fresh air at lunch.

        Basically, put your money on people’s comfort (volume, furnishings like adjustable chairs & keyboard trays for ergonomics, temperature, lighting), make sure they can make a decent lunch or snack, and THEN sprinkle some nice but bland plants and art around with the leftovers. I don’t derive any personal satisfaction or “wow I’m going to bust a$$ today” motivation from walking past an encouraging poster – those backfire on me TBH as I find them super patronizing.

        1. Agree with all of these. One to add – Full standing desk (where the entire desk raises up). I have a standing desk now where only the monitors and keyboard rise up, and while somewhat helpful, it means the papers I’m reviewing are on a different level than my keyboard/monitor. Previously had a whole standing desk and it was so much better.

        2. That reminds me of the inspirational word art we had in one of our stairwells, to encourage people to take the stairs. I liked to add “in bed” the phrases – You miss all the shots you don’t take… in bed.

        3. Second all of Cat’s excellent list.

          No scents is very important. Fashionista had an article on how one-third of Americans suffered health problems from artificial fragrances so please make sure the bathroom is ventilated well for cleaning products to dissipate and never install auto-spray scents.

          Dishwasher drawers in the kitchen, which are better suited to mostly mugs and glasses than one standard dishwasher.

          An outside area will also be well-used and appreciated!

      2. Whiteboard walls in collaboration spaces are cool as long as there is an understanding of ownership and/or whether something can be erased.

    13. If you are doing any kind of glass office walls or doors, think again or install curtains/blinds. People need privacy to focus, cry, pump, etc.

    14. We are completely open plan for everyone, so in that context:
      – available meeting rooms of different sizes for when I need to have conversations that can’t happen on the open floor
      – places that are neither my desk, nor the very busy canteen/atrium space, either for when I want to get on with something or for if something has got a bit too much and I need to get away. Bonus if some of those spaces can have visual privacy.

        1. YES!!!! I was surprised no one said this earlier. I have a solid wood door but a glass front office at the end of a hallway. Without the modesty board, I’d be miserable because over 100 people walk past, or can glance into, my office each day. That’s a lot of “crossing my ankles together” time! I’ll also add well placed large plants help for privacy.

    15. While a solid office wall/door is great, I would also go for frosted glass if you need the light to filter through the rest of the office. Same for dividers between desks/cubicles.

      I enjoy break rooms that do not look drab. A few plants and some artwork are enormously helpful. It’s not an ‘office redesign’ element, but please, provide some cream and sugar for coffee and tea drinkers. Keurig or Nespresso, bring your own pods, is fine. I like when break rooms have some natural light: windows, overlook an atrium with windows, etc. I also enjoy a variety of seating options: tables, bar with barstools, etc.

      1. And if you must go with the frosted glass front, please test the soundproofing between offices. We have frosted glass front wall/door and even with a solid wall between me and the next office, I can hear everything. Something about the glass just carries sound, weirdly more so when both doors are shut than if they are open. They tried to do something to retroactively fix this. It did not help.

        Also, if you’re frosting, frosting the whole thing, or at least high enough people can’t see over. Our frosting only goes up to about 6 feet, so the tallest people in the office can see over it, making it somewhat pointless :-/

    16. As others have said an office with solid walls or at least some sort of privacy option, windows to the outside, and lights that are not fluorescent and which are dimmable.

    17. Doors that close. Also, bathrooms with FULL partitions and a door, not a tiny little stall. No idea if you are remodeling those, but thought I’d throw it out there. :)

    18. If there are perimeter offices that all have windows, then solid wood doors for these and transom windows so that the interior spaces get some benefit of natural light even if everyone on the perimeter has their door closed. My cute t office had this, and even interior offices have transom windows so they can “borrow” some natural light. I think it makes a world of difference.

      We also have a plant service which is great.

      Glass walled offices are terrible. Glass walled anything is terrible. Open concept spaces are terrible and I don’t know anyone who likes them. I don’t know anyone who uses our “hang out”’space. Filtered water for people to be able to refill water bottles.

    19. Cubicles near the windows and interior offices so that the office walls don’t block the light. Most places I’ve worked have been the opposite. And I say this as an office dweller.

      1. This is a good suggestion. I’ve worked in two layouts where – to be arbitrary – say the north/south walls are lined with offices, leaving openings in between the corner offices (i.e., on the east/west walls) for cubes that have natural light and views.

    20. +1 to a solid door that closes (and locks) and a window. My employer supplied the furniture, but they let me choose what I wanted from a range of options. They chose my carpet and paint color, which are drab, but I decorated the rest and prefer it that way.

      In the kitchen/break room, we have two full-size refrigerators with freezers. One refrigerator is reserved for drinks, and the office supplies canned beverages of various kinds, including some flavored, sparkling water. The other refrigerator is for food people bring with them. The kitchen also has a large sink, dishwasher, microwave, and toaster oven. There is also office-supplied drip coffee and pod coffee. The break room also has a cabinet stocked with some of the most common OTC drugs. I generally have what I need, but it’s saved me a couple of times.

      1. Active shooter training says to hide if you can’t get away. All glass offices and open areas are concerning. I’ve been stalked by a co worker and i dont think of it often….. just during active shooter training

  17. Thanks so much to whoever mentioned the Bouqs subscription yesterday! I signed up for bi-monthly this morning and have already scheduled deliveries for my sister (birthday), mom (Xmas), and BFF (birthday)! What a nice way to intentionally consider who in my life needs some love and recognition.

    1. Yes! I send flowers regularly and had never even thought about this. I’m signing up tonight!

    2. I have a Bouqs subscription for myself (I want the monthly flowers), but get discounts when I order/send flowers to others as a result. It’s a win win!

    3. I sent two friends baked good yesterday to celebrate work successes after being inspired by that thread. Good things all around.

    4. Yay! Bouqs was my pandemic gift to myself, monthly delivers from March 2020 to March 2021 when I got my vaccine. It was lovely.

  18. I’m in tech and wondering if any of you take short term contract positions exclusively. I’m married and could keep my benefits through my husband so that’s not a huge concern. I like the idea of working on a contract for 4 months or so, a few months of downtime, and starting the cycle over. I get contacted by recruiters for contracted positions several times a day so I’m assuming it wouldn’t be impossible to sustain. Is this a realistic goal or would doing so be harmful? Is it looked down upon? For context, I’ve worked at the same organization for a decade and have great standing. I just want more downtime for awhile.

    1. My husband did contract technology work in the early 2000s. It started out as a sure thing–he had recruiters knocking down his door and could always get a contract renewed or find a new contract at a high rate whenever he wanted to. When the tech bubble burst, suddenly the rates went down, existing contracts were no longer repeatedly renewed, and new contracts were few and far between. He moved into a salaried position at a company where all contract work had been outsourced to India.

      I would only do this if you and your husband don’t mind instability and uncertainty. I personally would have a very hard time with my husband’s going back to contract work, especially if he chose to take extended breaks. That’s partly because I would prefer to be a SAHM and am forced by circumstances to work, so your husband may not feel the same.

    2. I’m in tech and I agree with 10:31 AM. We’re in a job boom and the contract jobs are plentiful, but it won’t stay that way.

      If you plan ahead for the uncertainty, it can be a great way to network and tune up your skill set, but I wouldn’t count on it staying this easy to jump around.

    3. I had a friend that did that and he’d make his yearly salary in two months. But, you have to find your own business so it’s hard. Personally one day I plan to ask some service consulting companies I have relationships with if they want me as a flex employee – I can work for them in busy times and do nothing otherwise.

    4. Not sure your role in tech, but I work in a tech company and we have some great senior contract PMs and comms people. Most of them have been offered FT jobs but turn them down for the flexibility/$ of contract work. I’m not sure how much of their total cost goes into their pocket vs. the agency, but even if it was about ~50%, they’re still making pretty close to what I make in a director-level role (including additional taxes & average equity grants, not including benefits).

      Needless to say, I’m also very tempted….

    5. This is totally a thing. We have tons of contractors like this who jump around all the financial services orgs in the city.

    6. I work in tech and would love to jump from place to place doing a specific software implementation for my niche industry. But alas, being the main breadwinner does not afford me that luxury right now. But it’s something I will consider when I’m looking to scale back when I get closer to retirement age. I say go for it!

      1. Ah, I’m the higher earner as well and was hoping to maintain the same standard of living while working a lot less often. I’d hate to hit an unlucky streak and set us back

    7. meeeee! It’s the best. DH has a stable job and the benefits. I switched to contract work when kid #2 was born and 6 years later have not looked back. When I left W2 employment I was making 180k working 50-70 hours/week with travel. For the past 6 years I’ve made 90-120k working 15-20 hours/week (often 2 weeks of 40 hours/ 2 weeks off), basically no travel. My take-home is less due to self employment taxes, but I have a boatload more write-offs. I could also ramp up but prefer the ups and downs to “busy and really busy.”

  19. Any favorite recommendations for a multi-pack of sheet masks that is $15-20? Our nanny’s daughter is turning 13 in a few weeks, and we’re getting her a Forever 21 gift card (nanny’s rec) but I also want to get her some masks because I know that she’s into skincare.

    2. I don’t do sheet masks. But this summer I went to Target and bought a variety of masks for my 13 year old niece who is into makeup and skin care. She seemed to like getting to try several different ones.

  20. Has anyone done a DexaScan? I’m interested in it for both bone density and body composition (muscle, fat).

    1. Yes. I paid out of pocket at a healthcare facility for body comp and it was $40 (they didn’t charge to insurance – if you go through insurance and want the bone density / interpretation it’s much more expensive – hundreds of dollars).

      $40-80 is what I’ve seen when looking around.

      The DEXA machines are different, you may get slightly different results depending on how new the machine is and how they calculate fat around your organs. It took about 5 minutes to scan and I could only wear soft clothes (and no bra). They taped my toes together one time (I was told it exposes the femoral head and gets a better reading). I got three of them, 6 months apart (and the last one about 10 weeks postpartum two years later, hahahahahah oh my gosh), at the same facility to see how I was progressing with my fitness.

      I’d do it again if I was targeting fitness improvements.

    2. I have, and it was definitely interesting, but I don’t think it’s generally covered by insurance unless it’s recommended? check local universities, one near me has one that is relatively cheap (I assume for the college athletes).

      I think the more reliable for composition is the dunk tank, but that is a whole endeavor and probably overkill for 99% of us.

  21. Any good place to go on the interwebs to help me learn how to create a spreadsheet that I can e-mail to people to input their own data into (for a club doing signups and doing things like name, number, offering a ride, need a ride, only going one night, etc.)? I think it should be a google doc or fillable form, but haven’t done it before and the prior person who used to do this is not available for help walking me though what she used to do. Her old form is closed (I can input data, but can’t see group results in the form she used to be able to pull up). I do have a e-mail account.

    1. Google Forms sounds perfect for this. The data collected can be easily formatted into a spreadsheet.

    3. Use Google Forms, not google sheets so you’re not sharing everyone’s data with everyone if privacy is a concern.

    4. Google Forms is VERY intuitive and easy to figure out. Answers are collected in spreadsheet form which is helpful!

      1. and you can create a form, test it yourself, edit more, and delete your test responses before you send it out to the crowd. And google ‘how to do x in google forms’ if you want to find things out.

  22. DNA tests for ADHD meds follow-up. I had mentioned getting one to my kid’s ped and she looked at me like I have 5 heads. Would this be what a psychiatrist can order or help us find? We live in a top-25 US city, so if it’s not available here, it must be truly rare. Is there a name of one or a vendor? Can I just do this on my own and have kiddo spit into a tube like the 23andme tests?

    2. I took the GeneSight test, which was ordered through the licensed psychiatric nurse I see for med management. It was a cheek swab; they sent the kit and mailing envelope.

    3. I’m the one that suggested it. Our peds office didn’t offer this option until fairly recently. It’s not that rare, though. A friend’s kid got it done 2 years ago, and we live in a college town. I’d try another doc.

  24. I’m in a toxic work situation that’s causing me a lot of stress. Multiple stakeholders, unclear expectations, total power-hungry jerks being promoted, the feeling of constantly being ambushed by senior-level people who have vastly different expectations of me and my team even when my boss and peers all say I’m doing a great job. I don’t know who to believe anymore. It’s making me question my sanity. Help. I love many aspects of my job but I don’t think this one is going away and I don’t know what to do.

    1. Job hunt now. Take vacation time to decompress. Biggest mistake I made in a toxic environment was not taking my vacation: my boss gaslit me into believing that if I took vacation, I would have to work 100 hours the following week to compensate. (In reality, HE would have had to pick up some of the slack.)

    2. If a job were a relationship, it would be time to conclude DTMFAMO. Time to job hunt. Problem is not going to be fixable by someone not at the top.

    3. I have been there. It is THE WORST. When you get an unreasonable request from other senior-level people, get your boss looped in, if you’re not already doing that. They can put a kibosh on the extraneous projects. But also, it’s OK to job search. It’s indeed crazy-making.

    4. You think about long term and you get out. Every job has good and bad but you try to find somewhere that you want to be more like many of the people around you not less. A bad culture normalizes bad behavior and you don’t want to take bad traits on to the next gig.

  25. Can anyone recommend a reusable cotton ball type thing for use with toner, specifically Pauka’s Choice BHA 2% salycylic acid? Thank u!

      1. We’ve also replaced all the paper towels and paper napkins in our house with her paperless towels and wipes.

      2. Yep, I just bought whatever they have on Etsy. Buy a properly zippered laundry bag for them, if they get out, they’ll get sucked into the washing machine hose and create a clog.

    2. FYI, I switched to Paula’s choice 2% BHA lotion because I hated applying the liquid. I can do the lotion with my fingers. My skin is slightly oily and I don’t find the lotion too emollient.

    3. I just use my fingers. I wash my hands first and pour it so that there shouldn’t be any splashing back into the container. As far as I can tell, I don’t use any more than I did when I was using cotton balls, since a lot got absorbed by the the cotton, and the container still lasts forever (I only use it 2-3 times per week).

    4. I have these and like them. I like that they have a laundry bag included. I have two sets – I use one bag for the dirty ones and one for the clean ones until laundry day.

    5. I use this BHA every day and just squeeze a few drops into a clean metal spoon, then use my fingers to pat/rub on my face. This way I don’t waste any of the BHA liquid since it’s not being soaked up by a cotton ball.

  26. So is the big appliance shortage still going on? We need a new fridge and I’m worried about it taking weeks/months to get a new one.

    1. Yes, it’s still happening. Your best bet is to shop in person and ask the sales person to only show you what is in stock and deliverable within 1 week.

    2. There was a WSJ article today talking about appliance shortages. They said the higher end models with the bells and whistles are more in stock.

    3. I can’t get a washing machine to save my life, but I’m limited to a few models due to my weird narrow laundry room.

      1. As someone who needed a weirdly sized appliance, I feel this pain. I actually got it from craiglist.

    4. Yes. I ordered a dishwasher said to be available for installation in mid-September. I scheduled for Oct 1 and then got pushed to early November…so far.

    5. It totally depends. Make sure to check multiple retailers, because they have different inventory options. Our dishwasher and fridge both had to be replaced recently, and I got replacements within a couple weeks or less – Kitchenaid and LG. Our fridge showed as out of stock indefinitely at Home Depot, but was in stock and available immediately at Lowes.

    6. I went to my local appliance store to order a fridge (thinking it would take weeks and weeks) but unbelievably, they had the one I wanted in stock at the warehouse. It will be delivered next week. It’s a simple one – top freezer, no bells and whistles. My space won’t fit a double door fridge and I had no interest in a fancy ‘smart’ fridge. The sales person mentioned that she was able to put together a whole kitchen package for someone and she was shocked. So maybe try locally-owned appliance stores then big box; my local Home Depot also had stock as did Best Buy online (said I could get the same fridge delivered but my local place price-matched and I have my stove and dishwasher from them).

    7. It depends. But there are certainly appliances available. We ordered a fridge months in advance of when we would need it and were surprised when it was set for delivery 2 days later. Meanwhile, we are still waiting on our range we ordered in early April. If you want something right now, you may have to be willing to make a compromise on which model you get.

  27. Today’s pick looks great to wear with my pandemic pants, and no I’m not kidding. This year I’m embracing the frump. I just want to be warm.

    1. Zoom dress codes are very different from normal dresscodes. You wear whatever bottoms you want, whether thats pajamas or sweatpants or nothing at all. Then you just wear a solid colored shirt or any material that looks flat and clean, brush your hair, turn on the zoom beauty filter, and you’re good to go. You could put on some concealer and lipstick, but tbh optional

  28. I think someone posted something like this here before— I’m looking for a free or cheap software for DIY interior design. I just need the internet version of graph paper + furniture pieces to try a few layouts in a room without moving everything around.

    suggestions?

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