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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
This is the kind of skirt that a few years ago would have looked totally frumpy, but like yesterday's trousers, the more voluminous bottom is speaking to me right now — and call me crazy but I love the big pockets in these, which remind me of Oscar dresses more than, say, Lucy Ricardo, for some reason. In any event: eShakti is always fun because you can customize so much of the design — here you can choose a ton of different skirt lengths, customize all of the waist/hip measurements (or choose a size from XS-6X), and (gah) remove the pocket, should you want to. The skirt is $39, and available in navy, brown, purple and yellow, with some colors on sale. Ah, and it's machine washable. CARGO POCKET COTTON POPLIN SKIRT
Looking for more bespoke clothing? Check out our roundup of the best made-to-order workwear.
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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Ellen
Kat, thank you so much for showing us that we can wear more flowing skirt’s with this Frugal Friday selection! I love Fruegel Friday’s! Dad has been telling me for about 2 years now to stop with the pencil skirts, as my tuchus no longer looks great in a size 2 pencil skirt. Mom has now agreed that I have too large a tuchus to wear tight skirts, particularly short tight skirts, which the manageing partner insists I wear to court b/c the Judge likes me in them (in red), but that does NOT allow me to be comfortable for the rest of the day at my desk. So beginning this year, I will ONLEY wear pencil skirts in court, or in depositions we must hold at the courthouse when I stop by to see the judge. Mom wears dresses like this, and Dad likes them. He says that an unmarried lawyer at my age ought to act and dress accordingly. I will adopt this look and hopefully will be able to attract a decent guy who will NOT just focus on my body parts. That is NOT the kind of guy I want anyway! YAY!!!!
Anonymous
Has anyone ordered from them and can speak to quality? What other brand would you compare the quality to? One of the ponte knit dresses is calling my name.
anon a mouse
I would put it on par with Loft. Reasonable quality for the price; not heirloom quality.
Pay close attention to the measurements of the garments – they vary based on the style. If you order on size alone it likely won’t work (their sizes run small).
NY CPA
Unfortunately, I had a really bad experience. I ordered 3 items with the same custom measurements, but they all came fitting like completely different sizes. I had to return 2 of the 3, but returns were a total nightmare.
It definitely put me off using eShakti again, which is unfortunate because I really like this skirt!
Kate
Their ponte knit wears like iron. The cotton poplin wrinkles like crazy so I would resist. I have a couple of the vintage style knit dresses and I wear them all the time and was able to make them work through eight months of pregnancy. I have had a few annoying returns but found they were helpful and did not incur extra costs. Love eShakti!
emma
I ordered a dress from them- my mom is a hobbyist taylor and is VERY good at measuring and sewing. I had her measure for me & the dress came back oddly fitting at the waist (like huge), but she was able to take it in with a few stitches and it was a pretty outfit for a special occasion. I’m not sure I’d pay full price on the items, but they often run crazy promos and think it’s worthwhile at the discounted price.
emma
Another note- shipping takes forever, so if you do have something specific you want to wear it for, order it like 1-2 months in advance.
Cat
Question for the hive: I received a spa gift card for Christmas from my in-laws. Hooray for them getting on the “experience gift” train but… I’m not a “spa person” — have never had a massage or facial. TBH I have no idea what a facial really involves. I enjoy manicures, but the spa is too far from me to make a relatively quick service worth it. The card is enough to cover two services (massage + facial for example). What should I pick??
cat socks
Most spas offer package deals where you can get multiple services at one time. If I had a spa gift certificate, I would book a massage and facial. Depending on the type of facial, they will cleanse your skin, apply a mask and other treatments. I find both facials and massages very relaxing. You could add on a mani/pedi to those services.
Anonymous
Massage and mani/pedi and splurge on paragon or something. Or add time to the massage.
I’ve had a few facials and they are nice, but i vastly prefer massages and mani/pedis. I have sensitive skin and just don’t like being messed with even though it didn’t cause a reaction or anything.
Anonymous
I didn’t get this at first, but part of the spa experience is just lounging around for a while in a robe in a nice relaxing setting. If you are a reader, can you build your mani or other service around that? Also, they often have food service and a gift shop — I was all about spending it that way + pedicure + long block of good reading time / dream about the trashy novel I’ll never write time.
Anon
This is the central point of a spa experience – using the facilities. I don’t actually enjoy massages or facials, but my sister gives me a spa gift cert every year for my birthday (shoutout to Claremont spa and hotel) so I make an appointment for something, usually a facial, but spend several hours there on the day of the appointment.
Typical day would be- arrive, get set up with locker, use the communal hot tub (bathing suit optional), take an amazing long shower, have facial, hang out in lounge after facial drinking tea and reading, then use their really nice dressing room to dry my hair, do makeup etc. Soemtimes I have a light lunch there before heading home. Sometimes I buy one of the products they used on me at the gift shop.
Enjoy your day!
lydia
could you bring a friend and both get manis? that sounds fun to me.
Senior Attorney
That does sound fun!
Also don’t dismiss massages and facials until you’ve tried them! I didn’t think I was a spa person either until I tried it!
Finally, bring your swim suit in case there’s a pool you want to use.
Idea
This – if you are not a massage person, why? A good spa and massage professional will be able to handle your uncomfortable-ness around being nude, keeping you covered with a sheet, or even most of your clothes on. He or she – you can choose – is used to being around people with all different body types and shapes and sizes and may even specialize in X (pregnancy or people with disabilities or exercise massage, etc.). You could always wait until your back hurts and plan for a massage then! Or a leg massage or shoulder massage — my point is, give it a shot, talk through your uncomfortable-ness, you might like it. Anecdotes – I have given this same speech to my husband and my mom who have both become more comfortable with massages after I told them my experience of talking to a massage professional.
Cat
Thanks for the input, all! I most definitely do not “dismiss” massages and facials or worry that I’d be uncomfortable, they’re just expensive and I’d rather buy dinners out or vacations :) Just wanted the Hive’s insight on what would be best for a spa newbie to indulge in, which my original phrasing probably didn’t make clear.
tesyaa
This skirt still looks frumpy to me… comfortable and modest, yes, but frumpy.
anon
I would really like it with a bodysuit or crisp button up and some killer heels.
Anonymous
I’m getting Marvelous Mrs. Maisel vibes from it that I’m pretty into, but I can’t own a cotton skirt like this. My goal is to minimize ironing as much as possible, not buy skirts that would wrinkle every time I sat down!
Anon
I love it, but I’m tall with broad shoulders that can balance it out. I can imagine it would overwhelm someone who is more petite or had narrower shoulders.
Anon
Where/how does one purchase an umbrella insurance policy? Do the same standard insurance companies that sell car, rental, etc offer those?
Anon
Yep.
Anonymous
Mine is through the same company that handles my auto/home.
Anonymous
Most (but not all) of the time they’ll be attached to an auto policy – try your auto insurer first. Otherwise most major personal lines carriers (homeowners or auto) will offer them.
Anon
My homeowners insurer referred me to another company they work with for umbrella – RLI. The application process was easy. For renewal we just have to fill out a questionnaire every year essentially asking if anything has changed. It’s a couple of hundred dollars for a million in coverage, another hundred for another million if I’m recalling correctly. Not a lot of money.
Small Firm IP Litigator
Yup. We bought a policy from the same company that we do our renter’s insurance with because it was cheaper than through our auto insurer, but either would have done it. We had to up the coverage on both policies to be able to get the umbrella policy.
Fed up
I need a job with more telework. I am a fed and currently work from home once a week. Even once a week is a great benefit, but I came from a place where we had it 3 times a week and the transition has been awful (it’s been a year). I barely see my kids and my evenings are such a grind with dinner/bath/bedtime routines and any time for myself involves prepping for the next day.
So, I’ve been looking and applying online on usajobs and I’ve received notifications saying that I have met the qualifications and that I have been referred to the agency, but I haven’t been called back for an interview. It feels like I’m just tossing my resume into a black hole.
While I wait for a new job to come through, I am considering going part time. My supervisor has been supportive but I don’t know of anyone ever working part time as a fed. Will it make it even harder to get a new job?
Anon
I’m no help on WFH advice but I have applied to over 250 jobs on usajobs for the past 4 years and consistently get the emails you speak of and then hear nothing. Or the classic “you met all the qualifications but we had to hire a veteran” email (nothing against veterans). I’ve given up and chosen to go into a different field entirely.
Anon
THIS! Have an uncle who is constantly telling all the nieces and nephews how wonderful it is working for the federal government, good hours, good benefits, pension, job security. Which is great and all for him but literally EVERY niece and nephew (10 of them) have applied for federal jobs through USAJobs and only a few have passed the weird personality question test, and none have actually gotten to the talking to a real person phase beyond, you guessed it, the reserve army officer. Much love to veterans, but people wonder why the federal employee base is aging and/or incompetent – when you make it difficult to hire literally anyone who is not already a federal employee (chicken or egg debate here) then you preference veterans many of whom might be the worst qualified candidate with no motivation to do well beyond that job, your system gets screwy. And obviously there are good veteran workers, but when your system requires you to hire the veteran who meets the basic job qualifications on paper but is the least qualified candidate, the whole thing is a skills race to the bottom.
Anon
My husband is a disabled veteran and even he had trouble getting a federal job. He finally got one that he was way overqualified for and took a huge pay cut for it. Most of his coworkers are going to retire in the next 5 years, so at least there’s room to move up, but the hiring process is truly terrible.
Shananana
If it makes any of you feel better I am a veteran with the preference due to a service connected disability and I’ve never gotten through to the talking to person phase on USAJobs either. With a masters degree and major private sector experience in the field. I’ve come to the conclusion that they really only hire those who have prior fed or state agency experience.
givemyregards
I managed to make it through the insanity that was USAJobs (with a lot of coaching from someone already working at the agency where I was applying), got the job, and then discovered that everyone else on the team was a dinosaur who had been there forever and was completely incompetent (I should have figured this out at the interview stage, I know – long list of weird circumstances why I didn’t). I know that’s harsh, and definitely not applicable to many, many, teams in federal agencies (and it’s my fault for not realizing it during the interview), but I hated how much it lived up to all the terrible stereotypes of the federal workforce. I barely lasted a year before bolting back to the private sector and it took me another year to regain my footing working in the real world.
Anon
Are you only open to federal jobs or also private sector? You know what a slog and black hole it can be to hired in the federal government. No real practical advice however since I’m in the private sector, just commenting that you might want to expand your options.
Anonymous
Former fed here. My office often struggled with hiring because HR wasn’t actually passing along the resumes of qualified candidates. I’d suggest trying to make connections with the offices you’re interested in. USAJobs is a black hole, and there’s sometimes a disconnect between what HR thinks a hiring office wants and what the hiring office actually wants. So your application might’ve been referred to an agency only to be screened out by HR because, for example, they see “engineer” in the job description and think that a mechanical engineer is the same as a biomedical engineer. If a biomedical engineer is actually wanted, but they see a mechanical engineer with 8 years of experience vs a biomedical engineer with 3 years of experience, they’ll just send over the mechanical engineer’s resume. If you have a connection to the office you want, and they know you’ve applied, they’ll know that they need to clarify what they’re looking for with HR.
emma
Agree- I think you need both assistance with the app process & a connection in the office to get hired, which should be doable for you if you are already there and start reaching out about openings. The WFH thing is highly dependent on group and manager. My husband gets 2 days/week. We know people that fully telecommute as well and others that get no days. Some offices also seem ok with people working from home, just not having an “official policy”, so that might be a route to address with your boss. One cousin does part time (4 days a week, 6 hr days I believe), but she’s a data scientist and not a lawyer. I’ve personally always felt like unless you have a very specific role, you’ll just end up doing the same amount of work at the fraction of the pay. If it makes you feel better, a few of my friends work in the DOJ and for a recent litigation opening, there were over 1000 qualified applicants!
Legally Brunette
You probably already know this but you need to parrot verbatim a lot of the job qualifications in your cover letter. Use the exact words given in the job description. I’m pretty sure the first screen is automated and they look for certain key words in the cover letter and resume. Are you doing that?
Fed also
I was on an 80% schedule as a Fed for several years after having a child. I tried working 4 days per week and 5 shorter days, but was more successful at sticking to 80% with the 4 day a week schedule. As with all things Fed govt related, the viability of part time will depend on your agency and supervisor. If you’re covered by a CBA, check that for any discussion of schedules (my agency really can’t deny part time schedules under the terms of our CBA). Also, be aware that a part time schedule has implications for retirement and benefits.
anon a mouse
Is there anything you can do to increase your telework at your current office? Even propose 2x a week on a trial basis? Point out that you’ve been doing it once a week with good success.
Fed hiring is a mess right now. Most agencies are still on a hiring freeze or can only hire internally. At my agency, twice we’ve posted jobs that we then didn’t actually fill.
I would echo the suggestion to network and meet people at the agency you are targeting. There’s a big disconnect between the HR functions and the actual hiring managers and it will be a huge help to have someone looking out for your resume. (You still have to make it past the screening, but then they will know your name.)
Anon
I thought that’s what everybody’s experience with USAJobs was like. It’s just a black hole, isn’t it? Honestly, I have no idea how anybody ever gets hired for a fed job. I’ve applied to probably hundreds without ever hearing back.
Wow
I have my dream job that I applied to through USAJobs cold — no connection, referral, nothing. As someone else mentioned, I was sure to use the same words listed in the job description in my resume and cover letter. It can work. Also, the people I work with are some of the smartest people I have ever worked with (lots of HLS, federal clerks, former BigLaw folks) so don’t stereotype all of us as dinosaurs!
Anon
I never said anything about dinosaurs? I work for state government, so I’m certainly not basing any government employees or stereotyping anybody. I’m just saying I have literally never gotten a response after applying to a job on USAJobs, even when I was coached by people already in the agency. Your experience is not normal.
DCR
Federal hiring for lawyers is different than other positions. Most importantly ( but not the only difference), veterans preference doesn’t apply to attorney hiring.
emma
This is not true for all lawyer roles, just some.
Bette
Can anyone recommend a good cosmetic dermatologist in Manhattan? I have a derm who is great at skin cancer checks and health-related issues, but very non-interventionist when it comes to skin appearance. I’m not looking for someone to push massive amounts of fillers and botox on me, but I’m interested in someone who will do a realistic assessment of my early 40’s skin, and tell me what procedures could improve it, at various price points and levels of intervention, which I could then assess.
Anokha
Bumping. Looking for this in SF!
Anon
Corey Maas at the Maas Clinic on California street.
Anokha
Thank you!
Jessamyn Lockard
I go to Dr. Tamara Lazic Strugar; she’s great in that she takes my insurance and does Botox cheaply ($16 per unit). She’s never pushed anything on me, yet the fact that she didn’t blink an eye when I requested preventative botox at 26 makes me think she’ll be as interventionist as her patients want. The front office staff at Mt. Sinai are good, though when you call it’s sometimes a little hard to get a person.
anon
I was prescribed a very low dose of mirtazapine. I will start tonight and been reading side effects.
Weight gain and increased appetite is pretty common apparently. I have already gained weight in the past 2 years from a high-functioning depression. Thing got worse and I needed to get a prescription but now I am worried about gaining even more weight.
Is this something you would discuss with your GP?
I am starting CBT soon and my first appointment is when I am back from a work trip. Was anyone able to get off anti-depressants after some time with CBT or do these go hand in hand.
Different Anon
Have you considered trying Wellbutrin? It has the opposite side effect, often, of weight loss. It is also not a libido killer like other antidepressants.
Anon
+1 I only take mine for SAD over the winter but it’s been literally a life saver without any adverse side effects. Every time I start taking it I lose a little weight. I have had only one bad experience when I got a new generic and it gave me mild headaches.
Anon
The benefits of antidepressants generally outweigh the side effects. I gained weight taking meds, but I also didn’t want to die or kill myself, so…
That said, there are tons of meds out there and you can absolutely discuss them with your GP to find the right one for you, but weight gain is a pretty common side effect.
anon
I took an antidepressant/anti anxiety medicine for about a year while doing a bunch of therapy. I was able to get off the medication, but I had to be medicated for the therapy to be able to work, if that makes sense. I was in such a bad place that the medicine got me level enough to be able to make progress in therapy. Once I had made progress in therapy I was about to very slowly taper off the medicine.
Jessamyn Lockard
If you’re not already, I’d suggest seeing a psychiatrist who can help you weigh the options of different anti-depressants. I found medication that worked for me without weight gain as a side effect.
Anon
Two points of view on this. First, you can completely psych yourself out googling side effects. They are extremely variable and something that is ineffective and causes terrible side effects for one person might work really well for you. Unfortunately, it’s pretty much trial and error to see what works for you (I know there are some genetic tests for drug metabolism, which may help some, but don’t completely solve this problem).
On the other hand, if weight gain is a major concern for you, it’s pretty clear that some medications are more likely to cause it than others. Bupropion is more likely to lead to weight loss, but also more likely to cause sleep problems or anxiety, so you need to consider your other symptoms to find the best drug for you (keeping in mind that all of this varies from person to person).
anon
+1 to all of this. Very well written and helpful.
pugsnbourbon
+ another 1. It’s helpful to have a good psychiatrist who can help you evaluate different drugs, but that’s not always the case. And there will always be an element of trial and error. I just switched antidepressants this week (cymbalta gives me panic attacks, who knew) and I was so dizzy yesterday that I fell getting ready for work.
I hope you start feeling better soon.
Padfolios
Do you use a leather portfolio/padfolio? I’ve seen mostly men use them in a few client/external meetings lately, and all of a sudden felt very inferior with my linen spiral notebook. If this is a “must have” item, are there any stylish ones that are recommended? In my cursory searches so far, most look very generic and masculine.
Anonymous
I used to use a padfolio, but they look very dated to me now. I see a lot of hardbound notebooks now. I use Moleskine; Leuchtturm1917 and Shinola also make nice ones. Another option is a disc notebook. Levenger is popular, but the Staples brand seems to be of the same quality and is much less expensive.
I would avoid spiral notebooks, as they read “student.”
Anon
I use one, but mine was given to me by my law school. They recommended we use them for interviews to hold our resumes, etc., and I still use mine. Before that, I had one for my college. A lot of people in my SEUS city use these, and I think they’re very functional and look more professional than just bringing a legal pad everywhere. Mine also hold business cards. If you think what you’re seeing is too generic, maybe look and see if your alma mater has something?
Anon
I don’t think I’ve ever met a professional that uses a leather or padfolio – it’s really more of an old school or fad-ish type item (were these guys old or hipsters?) and largely impractical. That’s what legal pads are for, or spiral bound notebooks or moleskins if you want to get fancy. It’s just another bulky item that needs attention when the paper runs out. Don’t give yourself ANOTHER thing to keep track of.
I will say try to use plain legal pads or solid/conservatively colored patterns if you want to use a notebook. The kind they sell in big stacks at Walmart, like the Five Star brand (or worse composition notebooks) are perfectly serviceable but look a little “I borrowed my middle schooler’s school supplies”.
Anon
LOL at the thought of only hipsters using these. I think your advice is pretty off base here. Having a padfolio or a notebook is not unprofessional or impractical. And being able to take notes is vitally important at every job I’ve ever had; making a notebook way more than just “something to keep track of.” You’d look way more unprofessional and childish where I work if you *didn’t* have something to take notes in. Nobody gives af what your notebook looks like.
OP
It’s almost been invariably older gentlemen that I’ve noticed carrying them, now that I think about it!
Anonymous
I always figured they were more common for men because a woman’s bag holds much of what the folio holds. I wouldn’t stress, but if you prefer the look, by all means get one. I’ve made great strides to moving paperless, and folks at my office and some clients know it is my thing. So I carry my (lovely, small, light) laptop. I also just received a Rocketbook for Christmas. I haven’t set it up yet but will this weekend and plan to start carrying it for handwritten notes that I can email to myself and/or my assistant.
OP
I’d never heard of a Rocketbook, but am fascinated. Looks like a really cool option! I think my firm may have an issue with the confidentiality aspect of transmitting notes with client info via a non-firm sponsored channel (we have really intense rules), which is a bummer.
Anon
The most stylish women I know use a hardbound ruled book (like a journal). The only people I see carrying padfolios are men over 50 from smaller cities. I have a medium spiral bound notebook in black or white that I use for day-to-day notes in in-office meetings; I keep a small moleskin in my purse for off-site client meetings (I’m likely to have other materials with me, so the moleskin is my JIC back-up).
C
I use one because I frequently need papers in addition to a notepad but not enough to justify carrying a separate file. I also prefer writing on full-size legal pads rather than smaller notebooks. The one I have was a gift so I’m not sure where it came from, but it’s a lighter tan leather with what I think is a fairly sleek and modern profile- no bells and whistles, just a pocket to slide in a legal pad and a pocket to hold papers. For people who use notebooks, what do you do when you need to bring something that’s on a separate piece of paper? I don’t like having random papers folded or stuffed in the pages of a notebook.
Anonymous
I often paperclip the paper (and a couple of business cards) to the cardboard base of the notebook.
cookie
The comments on this are interesting. I’m early 30s and always carry a leather padfolio to meetings, if I’m not bringing my laptop. Handy because it holds cards in addition to a legal pad. I’m in a state gov agency, and most agencies provide these to staff with the agency name/logo.
HSAL
I carry one to most meetings because I can easily zip it up with a pen, my phone, business cards, and any extra papers I might need, so it’s a ton easier than a notebook (which I keep at my desk) or legal pad (which I hate). Mine is orange and pink leather. I got it years ago from a company that is no longer in business, but I’ve run into the same thing when I’ve tried to search for a new one – all very masculine and somber.
Anon
I use a Moleskine notebook and most of the people (male and female) I have meetings with have either the exact same style of Moleskine notebook or something very similar.
pugsnbourbon
I only use one for job interviews. My wife and I actually share it (it’s not branded).
Anonymous
Just for interviews. I have a zip around Westlaw one that was free in law school.
Anonymous
A friend had an emergency appendectomy a few days ago and has just come home. She’s recovering well but it’ll take a little while before she’s back to 100%. I want to bring her a little something to say “I’m thinking about you, hope you have a smooth recovery” but I’m blanking on what would be good. Is tea a good idea after an appendectomy? Should I just get her flowers? Food seems like a no-go in this situation. TIA for any ideas!
Different Anon
You could bring her some soup! I helped a friend recover from an appendectomy a few years ago and he could eat clear-ish liquids. So tea is good but so is broth. But she can probably eat some solid foods at this point as well.
Curly
I know it’s not the same, but I had my gallbladder removed a few years ago in an emergency. A bunch of friends brought me soup (nothing spicy or super creamy), and I appreciated it SO MUCH. One of them went to Whole Foods and picked up 3-4 quarts so I’d have a few to choose from. I loved the flowers, as well, because they’d cheer me up when I looked at them. Another idea would be a good book or some comfy socks.
Anon
This is super random and probably specific to me, but when I had my appendix out, my wonderful friend came over and helped me clean. I wasn’t able to push a vacuum and I have cats so it was really helpful.
anon
Just had an emergency laporoscopic appendectomy. Because it was laporoscopic, the recovery was not bad at all. But the doctor didn’t allow any weight lifting over 10 pounds, which basically meant no grocery shopping for a couple weeks. If your friend is in the delivery zone, something like Fresh Direct would be helpful. Otherwise, maybe consider picking up a carton of milk and some apples/ bananas, or whatever staples you think she would like–or just tell her, I’m going to the store, can I pick you up anything on my way? Not necessary, but it would be a sweet gesture!
Senior Attorney
Ask her what she needs! When we were housebound after my husband’s accident it was amazing to be able to ask for what we needed, like a run to the store or some takeout or whatever.
Anonymous
My husband had this happen last summer. Once he was home, he felt good enough to eat regular food, so I think anything food-wise us a go (no need to stick with clear broth or tea). His biggest issues were general surgical pain at the incision sites, an inability to lift anything, and basic exhaustion. I second the posters above who suggested helping with things like grocery shopping or household help.
312
A book of puzzles/word search or adult coloring book could be fun? Something besides tv to do if she wants to just keep her feet up.
Shower Q
We are having to redo a bathroom and are putting in a tiled-in shower (formerly a fiberglass drop-in tub/surround). When I travel, most tiled-in showers have glass doors (which frequently leak or just make me feel too exposed in a bathroom that at home I will share with a spouse). I used to have a house with a bathroom tub with glass sliding doors installed above it (so no shower curtain) — it was a pain to lean over the door tracks and the glass was a pain to keep clean — it always looked to have a film on it if I didn’t keep on it. More importantly, a friend used to work for an insurance defense firm that specialized in slip and falls where the person got hurt on glass shower doors.
So, in houses (trying to look on realtor.com also to get ideas) with tiled in showers, do you have a curtain rod or a glass door? I don’t want to have a leaky door that we’ll be moping up puddles from every day (or dealing with water issues generally — that’s why we have our current subfloor issues warranting this remodel), but I feel like I’m at a knowledge loss and for what works, what looks weird, etc.
House is 90 years old, so we have no experience with what is modern, or even this-century.
Anon
A hinged glass door is worlds away from a sliding glass door in a shower/tub combo. If it’s going to be a shower rather than the shower/tub combo, I’d do a glass panel and a glass hinged door. The door shouldn’t leak. It is always a good idea to waterproof your floor, though.
Anonymous
Glass door is the only acceptable option. Get a frosted one. A properly installed glass door will not leak.
Gail the Goldfish
Glass doors. I’ve got sliding doors because that’s what came with the house, but if/when we remodel that bathroom, I intend to put in a glass door that swings open and shut. I’ve never had any issues with it leaking–I feel like if done right, it would leak less than just a shower curtain. As for feeling exposed, you could put privacy film over the glass.
Annonnnn
I have glass on two sides and a glass door opening (it’s in a corner) and in 10 years, the door has never leaked (assuming I shut it properly) and I have not done anything to maintain the seals.
Glass doors are typical and don’t look weird at all IMO. A shower curtain would look weird to me and, based on just having a shower pan on the bottom, seems like it would make your bathroom a wet mess every time you used it.
Anonymous
Glass door. If it’s installed properly and you keep it caulked and replace the flange at the bottom when it’s worn, it shouldn’t leak. If you want more privacy and fewer worries about water spots, go with frosted glass.
Cat
Glass door. I’d recommend having the door at the showerhead end (if the space is remaining rectangular like the old tub footprint) for both (1) ease of turning the shower on to warm up without getting yourself wet, and (2) having the biggest splashing, i.e., at the far end, in the space where the glass is fixed to the floor.
They don’t have to be fully transparent — for example, a broad swath of the middle could be frosted so you still get light in at the top while maintaining some privacy.
Cat
Curious why this went to m0d!
CL
I have a glassdoor (that fullt opens, so not sliding). I have never had any leaking but they are a pain to clean (also have hard water). They look fantastic tho and if you plan on reselling soon I think it would be worth it. Wouldn’t a shower curtain leak more even compared to a leaky door? They doors can be frosted if exposure worries you.
IHHtown
I’ve literally never had an issue of a leaking glass door in the many years of apartment and home dwelling. If there is a leaky glass door you just replace the loose or leaking rubber strip that keeps the water leaking out that’s like five bucks at home depot. I don’t recommend the sliding door because the narrow metal slide piece is a breeding ground for dirt, gunk and mold that you have to clean out on your knees with a tooth brush (ask me how I know).
Also glass doors don’t have to be fully clear, they come in different opacities, patterns and colors. Shower curtains on a tiled walk in shower don’t work because there is nothing to hold the water in on the bottom. You’d be creating a huge problem trying to avoid a non-existent to easily remedied problem. Basically you’re overthinking this. Get a swing out opaque shower door and call it a day.
Anon
+1
Betsy
Ours has a glass door that swings open. One thing to keep in mind if you have pets or small kids is that fingers, tails, etc can get caught in it. Never even occurred to me to worry about it, but somehow my poor kitty got his tail stuck in ours and had to have surgery to remove the broken tip. We keep our bathroom door shut all the time now to avoid a repeat. On the other hand, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one with just a curtain.
Never too many shoes...
Hinged glass doors should not leak.
I will say, that if you are worried about being exposed in the shower at home with your spouse…that is maybe something you might want to look into a little bit. Or just lock the door when you shower.
Cat
Eh, I understand and am similar to the OP. Husband doesn’t need to see every detail of my grooming (particularly during the time when the garden is… blooming) reflected in the mirror while he’s shaving.
Anonymous
I understand that glass doors are the higher end option and obviously many people truly prefer them as evidenced above. I prefer a curtain. If you do, too, I’d go that route but possibly be willing to add the glass door down the road when you sell if your realtor tells you that it is a must-have.
givemyregards
+1 I’ve had both and much preferred the curtain, mostly because it was easier to keep clean. With the glass, you have to use the water resistant coatings, special cleaners, etc. etc. to keep them looking lovely and it’s just a lot of work. And I found the bottom edge of the doorjamb was hard to keep clean as well, similar to the older sliding models. But I’m kind of a clean freak, so not everyone will necessarily care as much as I do.
Anon
The tile shower should have a ledge at the bottom of the door unless you are trying to make it an ADA / roll-in shower. That will prevent 99% of leaks.
Tile showers were common in houses built 90 years ago. Check out some “Art Deco” or “arts and crafts” of craftsman bathroom images online.
I have a book called Bungalow Bathrooms I like a lot. I referrred to it obsessively during remodels of both bathrooms in my 1909 house
Senior Attorney
I agree glass door is the way to go. Also if you get a squeegee and train yourself to use it each time they are simple to keep clean. I love this double-bladed one: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00015GDPU/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Anonymous
Glass door all the way. Look at companies such as Dreamline. So modern and functional.
Not necess
dissenting view: our quirky small bathroom wouldn‘t accomodate doors when we had to replace our fiberglass steel tun shower setup with a shower surround. I use a curtain and no issues.
Kh
Ours has NO door. Picture this: the wall to the right if the shower head is tile. The wall to the right is 2/3 tall, tiled and then glass to the ceiling. At the far end away from the shower head you just walk in ( with the tiled 2-3 inch lip someone else mentions. And get this: in the 2/3 tall wall at the end where you step in, is the water control so yes, you can turn it on and let the water heat up without getting soaked. This was in new construction and the total length might be a bit longer than the standard tub, but I don’t see why it wouldn’t work even if your length is constrained be two walls.
Our previous home had a full glass shower and we used what the call “waterfall glass” which was pricey. If you go full glass and have hard water (which will make it harder to keep the glass looking clean) you might experiment with that plastic that adheres to glass making it look frosted. Available at the orange and white big box home store. It adheres well enough you could squeegee if off but cheap enough you could just replace it ever 6 mos or so
Anonymous
We have a similar set up and truly despise it – just walk in with no door or curtain. It is SO COLD in there. I need to be able to shave without goosebumps, thank you. Temporarily, we have added a tension rod with a curtain to the walk-in opening, which is definitely as unattractive as it sounds. Long-term, we are saving to re-do the shower in that bathroom.
emma
This is common in Italy and I HATE it when visiting relatives. The water always seems to somehow get everywhere and it just feels wrong to me. Curtains vs glass was a hot topic on the emily henderson blog a few weeks ago and most designers preferred curtains. I have both in our house & am team glass door, but am not as bothered by the curtain as I originally thought I was going to be.
Texan In Exile
What is it with European showers? People! We have solved the problems of 1. keeping the water in and 2. keeping the cold out. My husband and I were just in Spain and could not figure out why hotels refuse to half more than half of the shower opening covered.
MZ Wallace Question
I am wanting a bag that I can also use when I travel (like going over my wheelie bag handle). Do the bigger bags (Kate, etc. maybe down to the Jane) sit up if you put them on the ground? Or do they sort of puddle? I’d like something that can sit up (will have a computer and maybe a half-full redweld folder in it, if that helps).
In-House in Houston
Check out Lo & Sons. I have the OMG and it’s a great bag that doesn’t puddle. Watch the videoes for the different bags. They also have exceptional customer service. When my old OMG bag handle broke, I messaged them about it on FB (never called or emailed) and I got a brand new bag!!
Anon
I have the Kate as a diaper bag and find it has a tendency to puddle. I’d also be nervous about fitting a computer in there as I find that while an Ipad fits, it can be a tight squeeze.
Anonymous
You must not have the Kate. My 14″ laptop fits just fine.
OP: I found my Kate to be pretty stable with a laptop and redweld holding it up. If it’s empty, it will flop/puddle.
Batgirl
The Jane is great for travel in that it fits a lot and zips, but it puddles. It’s more like a great travel purse, not a great travel tote.
Anon
I have probably 8 over suitcase bags from Tumi, Samsonite, and Lo & Sons. My OG and OMG bags both regularly puddle (I never knew that was the term!), regardless of how full or empty they are, but I usually use them anyway because they are lighter and I am always needing to change shoes and love the pouch. A stranger did warn me once that she’d had two OGs or OMGs that worn out at the zipper seams because she overfilled her bags but I’ve never had that problem.
Tieks vs. Tory Burch flats
Sorry if this has been asked recently, I haven’t been on here in a while. I’m comparing Tieks to Tory Burch flats. Something about the Tieks pictures makes me worry that they will be tight (I’m not used to having elastic in flats). I’m traveling a lot for work now and looking for something comfortable once bootie season is over.
Anonymous
I have triangular feet that are hard to fit into rigid shoes comfortably (sort of B+ ball of foot, high arches, very narrow heel; was narrow as a child and then had some broken toes on each foot that didn’t knit back together fantastically).
Have you thought of Rothys? They are cloth, but have never given my feet trouble. I have the rounds (but think that the points look very nice) and wear them around town and to travel (where my feet can swell). I don’t wear them on work meetings, but our BigLaw office is casual and I wear them there. I first got a pair when noticing so many female partners wearing the points at our partner retreat.
My prior flats were the Air Beccara Ballet ones from C-H. And I have Air Tali low wedges. They looked better and more formal but my actual feet are Team Rothys all the way.
Cat
I personally HATE flats with built in elastic and haven’t had success with any brand not practically causing blisters from merely trying them on. However, acquaintances with Tieks rave about them for comfort.
FWIW, Tory Burch flats (at least the kind with the logo medallion thing on them — the Reva IIRC?) seem dated to me.
Anonymous
In my experience, the elastic in Tieks doesn’t cut into your skin like it did in some other similar flats (Cole Haan I’m looking at you). They have a decent return policy – you can try them and wear inside on but dont wear them outside, they have to be like new condition). That being said, they’ve lasted the longest of all the ballet flats i’ve ever owned and looked the best.
Anon
This may be a controversial statement but I don’t care: Tieks and all elastic surround flats look cheap and for children. Professional shoes shouldn’t look like they are meant to roll up or like you picked them up in a hurry from Payless. Seriously there are tons of low cost leather flats (the GetCity flats from Espirit come to mind) that look great – just get a good insole for support.
Anon
Agree. Fine for the airport or running errands, but not as a shoe to finish an outfit.
Anon OP
That’s really what I’m looking for though, comfortable airport wear
tesyaa
For a very simple flat, Lucky Brand Emmie is the most comfortable one I have found and comes in every color. I personally need the elastic because my heel is very narrow on an otherwise medium width foot. I do wear them to work but we’re business casual (and the elastic is not visible).
anon
+1 Love my emmie flats!
Ms B
At the Tory Burch price point, I prefer AGLs. Super comfy, especially with an invisible liner in them.
Anon
I found that Teiks we’re super comfortable, but they scuff so easily that I would never buy them again. I was using them as commuting shoes and they looked terrible after two weeks. (My commute was a 1/4 mile work from the train station to the office daily. Not exactly intense.)
Randomness
When I was a kid, I had a giant nose. I was darker than the day’s conventional beauty standard. I really wanted Christie Brinkley’s nose. And in my part of the country, it wasn’t unheard of for girls to get a nose job some time in their teens (for that deviated septum, you know).
At any rate, it took a while (and, oddly, diving into high-fashion magazines, where it was OK for models to be less-vanilla (at least with coloring / facial features, and living abroad), but I was at peace with how I looked starting maybe in late middle school (definitely not at peace before that) and that has generally continued.
Today I went to an ENT for some allergy problems and guess what: I have a REALLY deviated septum :)
Anon
Would you still get the nose job knowing you now need deviated septum surgery? Or is this just a “look how funny life is” sort of situation?
Anonymous
It’s a “look how funny life can be” post. I’m hoping meds can fix my current sinus issues (the deviation in the septum has not been a giant problem in my life, from a functional perspective), so I think I’ll leave it all alone if I can. At any rate, I think it would be weird to have another face in my life at this point (and would start with getting my broken capillaries fixed if I were to do anything just for vanity).
:)
Ms B
How does one get the broken capillaries fixed? I just noticed one on my cheek today and I will not allow it to stay there . . .
Anon
Laser
Anonymous
If your deviated septum requires surgery and you do want to change the shape of your nose, it’s something to ask. Sounds like you’re in a good place now, but I had a giant nose and finally got a rhinoplasty in my 20s and it has been life changing. I used to think about it all the time and now I never think about it at all.
Is it Friday yet?
+1 After years of hating my nose, post correction (and I did have a deviated septum that was also fixed!) I feel like it actually fits my face.
K
I had a teacher in high school that got surgery for a deviated septum and we all made fun of him for getting a nose job (kids suck). If they changed the shape of his nose at all you definitely couldn’t tell.
Anonymous
Too true.
I am not well-endowed. When a lactation consultant asked me if I had had surgery there, I had to fight off a laugh and the urge to say “I guess I should ask for my money back.”
Mrs. Jones
My sinus surgery to fix a deviated septum, among other problems, did not change the shape of my nose one bit.
Anon
My husband had sleep problems, horrible ear infections and allergy issues for years. We eventually learned he had a horrible deviated septum to a childhood fracture he really didn’t know about. He had surgery to correct it and it has been wonderful. He is sleeping so much better, no ear infections, allergy issues have been alleviated, and it has helped his self-confidence.
Anonymous
I’m the OP and wow, this is me. I am the only adult I know with repeated ear infections.
Anon
It really has changed his life. Never thought it would be such a drastic improvement. The recovery from the surgery was difficult for a few days, but he is so much more well rested now.
stargazer
I recently had surgery for a deviated septum and other sinus issues and the surgeon did not want to make any cosmetic changes as they could make the breathing issues worse. The first day of recovery was horrible but I wish I had gone to the doctor earlier. I didn’t know it was possible to breathe this well.
emma
Just an FYI- you can get the deviated septum fixed w/out changing your nose. I’m in a similar boat and have come to love my nose over the years. My brother also has a distinctive nose (no shortage of big nose varieties in my fam) and lifelong horrible allergies/breathing problems. He had his deviated septum fixed (which he said he wished he would have done sooner it was so successful) and the dr offered to make his nose smaller in the process, and he said no thanks and asked them to just fix the problem and they did without touching the profile of his nose. :)
OP Paging Be The Match Commenters
Thank you all, every one of you, for your replies. For those of you that lost a loved one because a donation was not available, my heart aches for you and your family and I wish you peace in time. And thank you to those who are registering as a result of the post, an unexpected and awesome benefit! I’m moving forward with the donation process at this point and am interested? hopeful? to see what happens.
anon
Sending good vibes your way!
Leatty
Kudos to you for taking this step! My mom saved my aunt’s life 25 years ago by donating bone marrow. I am so thankful she did so, because my aunt would not have survived otherwise. Your post yesterday prompted me to start looking into the registration process, and hopefully one day I will be brave enough to donate if someone needs it.
ATL rette
Your post inspired me to sign up as a potential donor, so thank you for the inspiration!
anon for this
EEEE I just made the purchase of some grown up furniture: Elliot chairs from Joybird! Psyched! We chose the “choose fabric later” option to get the sale prices — does anyone have Joybird? Any thoughts on how fabrics wear? Thanks!
Shananana
I recommend taking advantage of their sample fabric swatches. I think you can find it in the help or contact area (or hit search on their site for it) If you have pets, you can also do the very scientific research of rubbing said swatches on them to see how the hair is going to stick :) I haven’t pulled the trigger on the couch I want yet, but it helped a lot in narrowing down fabric type and shades for me.
Anonymous
I just got offered a great job that I think I want to accept. It’s a big pay bump (but more responsibility and work/hours). A great team, interesting work. And I t just sort of fell into my lap. But I’m sitting here at my current job feeling extremely sad about the prospect of leaving. My job is stable, the people I work with are amazing and have taught me so much. I know it’s time to move on but wow I am sad. Anyone have any experience with this? Advice?
Anonymous
It’s GREAT to be sad at leaving a workplace. That’s the best possible thing — far better than leaving angry, hurt, burned out and bitter So when you feel sadness, recognize that it’s sitting next to gratefulness, and that’s a really good thing.
Anon
It’s perfectly normal to be sad leaving a familiar and good situation, even for a better one. I’ve experienced hesitance and regret at leaving both amazing and terrible jobs (although probably Stockholm Syndrom on the latter). But never have I regretted moving when it felt like the right time to leave or towards a better opportunity. Feel all the feels, take the job, and be great.
ArenKay
Congrats on the new job! I am in higher ed, so good folks (students) leave regularly, as well as good colleagues (those less regularly, thankfully). My advice is to own it and express it. Good colleagues want coworkers to flourish, and will be happy for you for getting a great opportunity. Telling them it’s bittersweet because you’ve learned so much and enjoyed your coworkers will make them happy, and make leaving easier for you.
Anonymous
I’m just going to throw this out there – be cautious leaving a great situation with amazing coworkers for more money. I did, a couple of years ago, and I have remorse. I am making way more money but my coworkers are terrible, I have almost no friends at work and I miss my old job a lot. To the point that I am having conversations with my old job about going back even though it means a $20k pay cut. Some things are worth more than money.
Anon
So, I’ve been dating someone for a while and things have gotten serious. We have plans of moving in together and getting engaged. I am really madly in love with him, and I think our personalities fit well together and we truly lift each other up when times are tough. I don’t think I’ve ever been in a relationship this amazing (and I was married for 10 years to a great guy).
But… we have a significant difference in the amounts we earn (I earn more than 3x what he does), and in our financial portfolios. He has a significant amount of credit card debt that has built up over the last few years since his divorce. He pays more than half his take home pay between alimony (only a couple years left) and child support, and we’re in a VHCOL city, so the rest plus extra on his credit cards is spent on rent and necessities. In my opinion, he could cut down on a lot of extras though. But, once the alimony is done, he would be able to save some money and start paying down his credit cards. He also has always worked at start ups and has a decent amount of stock options from those jobs – one of them is close to a transaction that should give him money to fully repay his credit cards, build an emergency savings fund, and have extra money after that. But there is definitely a chance the transaction doesn’t go through.
I don’t mind paying for things, and I’ve actually offered to pay for a long weekend Caribbean beach trip for both of us because I know he can’t afford it. He’s now saying he doesn’t want to go on that trip, so he can save money to take the kids to Disney during their winter break. We eat out pretty regularly, and he generally pays about half the time. Although he has mentioned wanting to cook more at home to save money.
I’m kind of conflicted in how I feel about everything, and I’m just not sure how to frame my thoughts. I don’t ever feel like he’s taking advantage of me for my money. I think what kind of bothers me is that he thinks the start up stock will more than cover any of his debts, so I don’t think he fully gets just how cash poor he really is. I think about how if he had any kind of emergency happen or short term/ long term disability (which I doubt his current start up provides any kind of insurance), he would be completely screwed. I feel like I’ve worked this hard through my life to get where I am, and this is kind of taking a big risk on that front. I feel like what he says his financial goals are (pay for kids’ colleges, travel, buy a house, etc) are not at all aligned with his actual financial habits, as I personally think there are a fair amount of extras he could do without. I also know that money can be such a big issue in relationships, so I’d like to really see if we can be compatible in this area.
I grew up in a lower middle class family – we did road trips for vacation, maybe a few times a year we ate out and it would be like an Olive Garden for our FANCY restaurant. I paid for my own college by working through high school and college, as well as taking on student loans. I’ve lived in my car when I didn’t have a place I could afford to live. I’m still relatively frugal but am willing to spend money on what I enjoy (like traveling).
We’ve talked about money before, and he is completely open and honest about everything. Anyone have any suggestions on how I can think through this, and what I should be discussing with him?
Anonymous
I think your hesitation is absolutely correct. The time to deal with this is now before moving in together. And what you said here is good stuff! I think the more you present it as “this is what I’m comfortable with financially. I need to know that you’re on the same page before joining our lives financially and right now, you aren’t.” Rather than “you are irresponsible and a problem.” The better
Anon
Yeah, but what you said still sounds an awful lot like “you are irresponsible and a problem”.
He gets to have his own approach to money, and if OP doesn’t like it she can *ask* him to change, but in my life experience, getting ANYBODY to change the fundamental ways they live their lives is hard and heartbreaking for both parties.
Anonymous
I think you should talk about money in the context of your future together. I always suggest starting with your long-term future and then working backwards. So, you lay out your vision of your future (having X kids, if you plan to have kids together, buying a house in Y location, retiring at age Z, plus lifestyle things, like what kind of home you want to buy, vacations you want to take, eating out, hobbies that are expensive, etc.). Then he lays out what he envisions for the future (both with you and in relation to his existing kids).
Then you talk very realistically about where there are differences between your goals, and what compromises are available.
Then you talk about the financial logistics of meeting those goals, which includes discussions about expenses and where to spend money. I like to set a base case “if our lives stayed exactly as they are now, we would need to do ABC to meet these goals.” Then you figure out if that’s realistic based on your current lives, and if not, what would need to be done (changing goals, earning more, saving money in certain areas, etc.).
Also, at most start ups, employees forfeit stock options when they leave the company or within 3-6 months after leaving. It would be uncommon for him to have worked at a start up, left to go to another, and still hold the stock options from the first start up. Not unheard of, but definitely unusual. You may be using that term generically (e.g., he might have stock, not stock options), but if not, and he hasn’t looked at the terms of his stock options, he should do that.
Anon
Not true if he has grants, which are common.
Anon
Is there any chance that he would like to live a lower cost lifestyle but you’re not hearing him when he brings it up? It jumped out to me when you mentioned he’s talked about wanting to cook more at home, and again when he turned you down on the vacation. Maybe he doesn’t feel comfortable being more direct or aggressive with financial moves because he’s sensitive about the differences in your positions?
Anonymous
A similar disparity jumped out at me: He’s directly saying that he wants to spend less and save more, and you’re saying that there are places he could cut back and he’s not on board with changing. ??
Vicky Austin
This is definitely tricky. I will say that LOTS of people have stated financial goals that do not at all align with their actual financial habits. (This board skews money-savvy.) Does he have a budget? Has he shared it with you? Do you plan to combine finances/bank accounts/share expenses once you move in together or at some other point? If you don’t feel like he’s taking advantage of you, why are you worried that you’ll risk everything you’ve worked for by sticking with him?
It’s good that he’s open and honest with you so far, sounds like you just see his situation more clearly than he does and are worried about how that will affect both of you.
AnonR
Leaving aside how well he is or isn’t managing his money:
DO NOT MOVE IN TOGETHER…..
…until you are both on the same page with and respectful of each other’s money choices.
You pointed out that he is one disaster away from being in big money trouble – if you signed a lease with him, you would be directly impacted by his money issues. My suggestion is for you two to discuss how you see managing your money (separate AND together) after moving in. Maybe you would split rent/bills 50/50, maybe proportional by income, maybe proportional by cash flow, etc. But you need to discuss that AND the implications of that before making any decisions.
Also, if he isn’t willing to cut back on spending because he *knows* he has stock options coming up, what does he plan to do if they disappear? What if he ends up in this situation again? How does he see himself handling a money emergency after you move in together? Would you float him for a month? two? These things need to be discussed ahead of time.
Finally, how does he prioritize money when it comes to his kids? Is he willing to spend anything and everything on his kids? Does he actually stick to planned amounts or budget for it? If he is spending all over the place for his kids, how do you feel about that? Are you ok with taking the backseat to his children financially sometimes? All the time? How does he see negotiating that with you after moving in together? After marriage?
These are just things to think about, they may or may not be relevant to your situaiton. I hope you have some good conversations!
Anon
So first, financial incompatibility is a big deal. You won’t be able to change him (and he may not be wrong either – stock grants and options can turn into big money and his plan is just a different view of planning and risk from yours). The question is if you move forward, can you be comfortable with him as he is. Frankly, I’d think so if you really merge your life – if you view your approach as the conservative side of the house portfolio and his the high risk side. You would need to pool everything and view him as your equal partner. If you can do that, I see it working. If not, I’d move on.
Anonymous
1. He is a broke dad, so that may not change absent you in the picture. That’s how a lot of people are. He at least has some upside potential (but he’ll also have collge x2).
2. There is a book called something like 100 questions (or 1000 questions) that is good to go through b/c $ is a big topic (but there are others). It is great. There are no answers, just questions to discuss.
3. Premarital counseling is always a good idea, esp. when you are less vanilla in life circumstances.
4. I am a BigLaw partner and have been married for 10 years to a broke dad, so I get the math. I was not a partner when we got married and I come from a modest background. It doesn’t have to be a big issue, but it can be. Our deal is that he pays for his bills (his kid, his car) and I deal with the rest (formerly: my law school debt, etc.). We discuss everything like vacations, etc.
5. My cousin (private equity partner) married a yoga instructor — you see how that isn’t a big deal if you switch the genders? I bet he doesn’t bother her about her finances b/c they are truly small potatoes. But if she came home with a Ferrari (or he did), that’s not a good way to run a marriage regardless (or in spite of) finances.
Anonymous
This is really good advice. It’s tempting to think that once alimony is done, everything will be roses. But he’s still going to have child support. The bottom line is that he’s not adjusting to his new financial reality – he’s putting things on credit cards thinking, oh it’ll get better someday – once alimony is done, once this deal comes through, etc. Wishful thinking is not a sound financial strategy. I’d be very concerned that his solution to financial problems is cc debt – once you’re married his new cc debt will be yours too.
I think OP should be very clear about what she’s willing to pay for and then make sure he’s willing to pay – today, with things as-is – for whatever she doesn’t want to cover. This dude is probably never going to pay half of your joint living expenses. Are you cool with that? Also – his kids might need more space and to be in a good school district. Are you cool with paying (more) for housing even though you don’t get much say in the decision of where to live?
Anon
Honestly, it’s not the alimony that’s concerning. It’s the credit card debt (and I didn’t hear you mention some major medical emergency or something causing it). If he has consumer debt now, he will later too even when alimony goes away, especially since you said he is paying for extras/luxuries. Personally, I view comfort with avoidable credit card debt as something that is incompatible with my financial profile.
Annie
+1. If I had credit card debt I would not go out to eat except for a very rare special occasion. Why isn’t he living within his means? Why would that change? Maybe suggest the frugalwoods blog 30 day financial challenge and see if you’re both willing to pare expenses way down for a period until his debt can be paid off?
Considerthis
Honestly, you sound like good candidates for a pre-nup, both because of how you might like to leave your money when you die and because of the risk of divorce. If you die first, would you be comfortable with all your money going to his kids (ultimately)? Would you like to set aside some for a favorite charity or your own relatives? If he dies first, would he like his money to go to his kids, either immediately or after your death? Also, if some of his stock options become valuable during the marriage, whose money is it? The answer varies by state if you don’t have a pre-nup. I have a pre-nup (because of an income and savings inequality and our relatively late marriage) and negotiating it was really, really tough, but definitely worth it. I think hashing out these issues, and signing a document setting the rules, saved us a lot of fights after we were married.
Anon for dating issues
One thing jumped out at me – more than half his take home is child support and alimony? Something about that feels off. I just recently went through a divorce (no alimony, but I get child support), and the way the formulas are written this should not be the case. I wonder if you have the full picture here – is “more than half” just something he threw out once or have you looked at the numbers? Is there something impacting his take home pay, like a loan that comes out of his paycheck directly? Something feels off.
Anonnnnnnnnn
+1
Anonymous
If his ex doesn’t work and she’s the primary caregiver then the math would work out. Especially if he only has the kids for a handful of overnights a month.
OP
Thanks for all of the advice everyone! Very helpful, as always. I have the actual numbers of his alimony and child support, so it is actually half of his take home pay. I looked up the state rules and it is consistent with the calc for the kids, and his alimony is equal to that for a set number of years. He has asked for ways to reduce costs, but he hasn’t taken any steps towards them. So, like mentioning cooking at home, but the only times we have cooked at home are when I suggest it. He doesn’t have a budget, but he’s said he wants to make a budget. What I don’t know and will find out through our discussions is why he hasn’t taken the actions – does he think it’s putting a burden on me? is he just not being proactive about it?
What concerns me is the credit card debt, as I don’t really know everything he’s done to try and keep that as small as possible. I’m worried that this is an indicator that he has bad financial habits that won’t be resolved or align with our financial goals. I’m also worried that he’ll default to me being the one in charge of finances (I work in finance and am good with money), and what that really means about him being willing to make and more importantly stick to a budget.
Other things I’ve thought about are around kids – we have discussed having a kid (although we’re older, so who knows if that will happen). And I don’t want to treat his kids differently, which means I would consider paying for college for all 3 kids (although we’ve discussed this, and he does not expect me to contribute anything for his kids).
I am glad to hear others have made it work for them – I feel like you always hear the horror stories around these things (especially where the woman makes significantly more). Thanks all!
Anon
I just want to warn you that it’s so easy to look at this in moral terms — debt is bad and savings is good so you’re clearly good and right and he’s clearly bad and wrong. But framing your conversations like that is going to be the quickest way to end this relationship. He’s otherwise a good dude, right? Or you wouldn’t be worried about planning for your future. So don’t demand that he change or tell him he has to be more like you, because that’s a recipe for disaster. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then that’s okay, but that’s on you.
Anonymous
This is going to sound harsh, but don’t marry him. He needs to spend his time and money on his kids. You will resent having to pay for more, and if you have a kid with him, it’ll be bad b/c he’ll feel guilty that his other kids got the shaft. Go find someone who doesn’t have kids.
Socks with padding
Any shoe wizards out there know of business/trouser/boot socks that come with padding on the bottom? I have a few pairs of booties/shooties that are cut slim to the foot, and there is no room to place an insole despite the need for one. Do they make socks that have this? I remember reading that Kate Middleton wears hosiery with gripping pads on the sole, which is slightly similar in concept, but not exactly what I want.
anon for this
I’d look for fleece socks? They may not fit in the shoe though.
Anon
You can buy extra thin leather insoles or pads that may fit, search for Pedag on Amazon. They’re the only ones I use.
Anon
Thank you!! I’ve been looking for something just like this!
TorontoNewbie
is arch support the issue? i have plantar fasciitis arch wraps that my physio suggested and they’re great because they go underneath socks. they’re just gel arch support pads inset into a elasticized fabric tube that you slide over your foot.
Anonymous
Check out Smartwool and Darn Tough socks! Both brands offer different levels of footbed cushioning, lengths, and patterns. I love both brands with a slight edge to Darn Tough
Anon
I just saw some at Walgreens yesterday. They have a pad under the ball of foot. They’re more like hosiery, in the hosiery section
Anon
I don’t buy shoes that require an extra purchase to be wearable. Can’t you find some booties that already have an insole? It will be better for your feet in the long run.
Socks with padding
Unfortunately I have giant barges for feet, so your viewpoint is a bit of a luxury for me. Finding professional shoes that accommodate my extra-extra-wide width is already incredibly difficult. I have no doubt that a person with normal-width feet could adhere to this.
Anon
If you need an insole, it sounds like these are not the right shoes for you.
Lifestlye vs career
I am in a great situation right now. I left my old corporate role making $170k at the AVP/ Sr Director level (full benefits) and i has about 5 years of larger team management and 7 years of people management more generally. I reported to the C-suite and was on the leadership team for a year before leaving. Our company was bought out, I had a baby with complications, and DH got a new job the same week I was offered a package to leave. I jumped at it.
That was 4 years ago. I now consult part time and make 90-$110k working about 15-20 hours/week, no benefits and all 1099. My consulting work keeps me plugged into the industry as a “do-er” and my engagements are both tactical and advisory and are at the executive level. I have 3 other colleagues that I work with and we’ve built a nice pipeline of work (I’m essentially our execution/operarions and 100% delivery, others are sales/delivery, marketing/delivery, and more junior delivery). I could scale up in hours at any time. Perhaps not quite to 40 hours/week but definitely to where I could be grossing $200k/year (1099).
DH is cruising along making $230k. We are at a great point making what we need/want to make for our lifestyle. We have had all the kids we plan to have, and they are young.
I’m in a lifestyle gig and I love it. Am I doing long term career damage by continuing? I’ve been offered a FT role at two clients at the dr director and VP level respectively, and declined before even taking salary. But that gives me confidence that of things go south quickly with DH, I could always go back to Corporate Roles af a fairly high level. I’m 35. If I do this for another 5 years, I’ll have been out of full team people managing/corporate for almost 10 years at 40 (but obviously have 10 years of in the trenches market experience and working as a consultant).
Is this just life and stick with it and enjoy? Or are there major drawbacks? The other people I work with are 10-15 years older and are in their “retirement glide” meaning no desire to go back to corporate, kids going into or in college, etc.
FWIW I don’t care about being a COO/CEO one day. I want to maintain our HHI of ~300-350k and have a good work/life balance for both adults in the family.
Anon
I would consider going back now. 35 is a bit too young career wise to bank on consulting as a career and I think you’ll stall out. You’re in the peak earning years now.
Anonymous
That’s kind of my fear. This either works for a while until it doesn’t at which point now I’m qualified for all the wrong roles, or it works until I’m 50 then….what.
It’s super hard to think about giving up the flexibility but at the same time, the kids will all be in grade school in 3 years…
Anonymous
Flexibility will be more important when the kids hit grade school, not less important.
HSAL
I think what you have sounds amazing, especially with kids in the picture. More importantly, you love it.
anon a mouse
So much depends on your financial goals. Is HHI of 300-350 necessary over the next 20 years? Or could you get to a point where you paid off a mortgage and had comfortable savings, and then you didn’t need as much income?
You worry about long-term career damage but it would help to know more about why that matters — do you want the career to feel fulfilled? Is it just about earning potential?
… because frankly a gig making that money for 20 hours a week sounds like a dream. Enough to live on but with a very enviable work-life balance.
Anon
Two things can be true at the same time
1) your current setup makes you happy and you enjoy the flexibility
And
2) your current setup will make it harder and harder to re-enter the full time corporate world, the longer you do this
I guess I wouldn’t fix what ain’t broke. You like what you do, how much you make, the flexibility you have. Yes,it will be harder to go back to the corporate grind, both in the eyes of the potential employer and in your own eyes. But is that really want you want to do?
We are increasingly a gig economy. There’s no shame in running your own gig. Maybe the path is to expand how much you’re doing (new clients, broader assignments, etc) in the same role you have now.
Anonymous
For those of us here who are earlier in our careers, I am curious: OP, how did you accumulate 7 years of people managing experience when you left at age 31? Most 24-year-olds aren’t quite managing others yet. What is your background and training?
Anonymous
OP Jumping back in here at the end of the day, sorry. I work for software/tech companies. I have a non MBA masters that I got part time while working at my first job. I left corporate at 32, technically, as the head one one of 5 departments. The short answer is right place/right time? The long answer is I got a gig at a growing company and quickly built out and owned a practice area with a direct report and then two. Then jumped to another company as an individual contributor to do M&A work but knowing I’d own a team after the acquisition. Then there was a reorg and I got a broader team. Then my boss got promoted and I was given her old role. I was there for not quite 2 years (halfway through I got put on the leadership team due to yet another reorg) and then when our company was acquired I knew my job was at risk and I was also pregnant, burned out, on the road all the time and people were jumping like rats from a sinking ship. I took the package in a hot second after some quick scheming with current and former coworkers about (non competitive) consulting work.
Anon
I’m 49 and still marketable, meaning people still call me about jobs. I think you should enjoy this flexibility a few more years. We moved across the country when I was 43 and I was terrified to “start over” professionally at that age (doesn’t everyone want the mid-thirties candidates?) but really it was fine. I went from consulting that sounds comparable to your current gig to accepting a full time position at an academic institution with excellent benefits. My youngest child was 10. I would NEVER trade the years I had with that part-time consulting work. I honestly could do almost every school holiday party, Brownie field trip, have Mom friends, exercise during the day, wander around stores, get my hair done, etc. far more easily than now. As far as aging out of opportunities, I’ve put a lot of thought into what makes people my age still marketable. At 43 I still looked very young for my age (probably mid thirties). Now I look like a 49 year old who looks good for her age but is definitely 49. What I do requires some technical skill and a lot of judgement so that helps. Other than that, staying fit and good grooming go a long way. I would stay the course if your kiddos are still that young! I also agree with another poster that flexibility becomes more important when they get in school. It’s counter-intuitive yet true. It also surprises me how much my 16 year old needs me. She looks great on paper but can have mini-meltdowns now and then over academic pressure.
Betsy
I’m about to start a new job that will involve fairly significant travel. Mostly driving, and I’ll likely be away from home for three nights at a time two or three times a month. I’ve never had a travel job before and I’m a little nervous! I’m married but no kids so that makes things easier for now. Any advice for how to make the travel as easy as possible?
Anon
When you drive, choose the car rental option rather than your personal vehicle. It’s a way better deal for you.
Anonymous
I disagree with this. Renting a car adds time at each end of the trip (for me it’s at least an hour on each end) and can restrict your flexibility with regard to departure and arrival times. My employer reimburses us for mileage at the GSA rate, which more than covers gas and maintenance costs. I’m not worried about depreciation from the additional mileage because I have a long commute and tend to keep my cars for many years, so I’m selling them all at 200K plus miles and a few extra miles from business travel won’t make any difference. Depending on the length of the trips and OP’s commute, she might not even be driving any extra. My regular daily commute is 120 miles round trip, so when I take a 360-mile round trip for three days/two nights (which I frequently do), the mileage comes out even. And it’s so much nicer to drive one’s own car than a nasty rental.
Anon
I don’t think your experience is normal. Also, I’d much rather drive a new rental than a car with 200k miles on it.
Anon
With corporate rentals you should be able to return them whenever you want, not at the exact specified time you reserve it for. It’s a better to have a rental in case you ever get into an accident.
Gail the Goldfish
Buy duplicates of all your makeup, toiletries, and a second hairbrush and just leave all of these packed in your suitcase.
anon a mouse
+1
Depending on what you need to wear, you should also have at least 2 weeks’ worth of travel clothes ready for packing at all times. So if you come home and can’t make it to the cleaners or catch up on laundry one weekend it is never a crisis.
Also: figure out a way to incorporate exercise and healthy eating on your travels. The hardest part of hotel living is healthy eating/cooking. Scope out the grocery stores or good take-out options.
Anon
If there is a company car or rental car option, take it. Milage is OK but designed to cover your gas, maintenance, and essentially put you in your next vehicle as yours will wear out far faster than it would have otherwise. That said, wear and tear plus decrease in value on a personal vehicle is very real and not just in a monetary sense – but also in the time you’ll need to spend maintaining your car. It takes time to get oil changes, have wheels rotated, get far more frequent car washes and vacuums, and that’s going to be time you have to spend outside of normal work. If your company for any reason isn’t paying federal standard milage if you’re using your personal vehicle, that would be a red flag to me. Signed, someone who’s last job required car travel of ~40,000 miles a year.
Different Anon
I am in my mid-30s and have been with my partner for about 5 years. He wants children–and is older. I have never been sure but usually leaned towards no for various reasons. We recently really opened up to each other about where we are on this right now and I admitted that it was something I struggled with and I wasn’t really sure either way–which is less against it than he thought I was. Anyway. That’s not quite what I’m asking about at least right now.
I peppered him with hypotheticals because for me, kids would be very situational dependent (I know I would never be a single mom by choice, etc). One of the things that came up was major health issues/abnormalities (as we are both on the older side).
And while I’ve always known that abortion makes him uncomfortable (but he supports it being legal up to a point), knowing that I can make the choice to terminate a pregnancy is extremely important to me. I would not hesitate to terminate even in late pregnancy if tests found evidence of significant abnormalities, etc; also, from a legal/policy perspective I am uncomfortable putting any limit on the legal right to terminate. He thinks this says troubling things about my morality. He was raised Catholic (although is more of an agnostic these days) and was more conservative when he was younger than he is now. This is apparently a holdover from those days.
Am I making this into a bigger deal than I should be? I would want to know that I have the support of my partner if I had to go through a situation like that. I would make the choice but I understand it would still be hard. Is it so unlikely that I am worrying over essentially nothing? Or is this just exposing real differences in our attitudes about things that will make child rearing even more difficult?
Anon
This would be a deal breaker for me.
Annonnnn
And also this.
Anon
Dealbreaker. My husband supports my right to abort in any circumstances and with no conditions. I wouldn’t have married him otherwise.
Anon
Same.
Anon
This would be a dealbreaker for me too, and I consider myself legally pro-choice but personally anti-abortion. I would not choose to abort an “oops” baby (assuming I had financial ability etc to properly care for it) or a baby with Down Syndrome, but I would abort without hesitation even in late pregnancy if the baby was going to suffer immensely and die soon after birth. A good friend went through something like that, aborting a very wanted baby because the child was not expected to live past its first birthday, and it was absolutely ghastly. I can’t imagine doing it without the full support of my partner.
Annonnnn
(reposting in the right place)
IMO, the biggest issue isn’t what may or may not happen in the future, but what your partner thinks about your morality NOW. If you aren’t on the same page with morals, that seems like a recipe for disaster if you have kids together.
nasty woman
+1
It would be a deal breaker for me for this reason, for practical reasons (if something were to go horribly wrong you would need his support), and also because a person who believes that abortion is immoral does not have the same value system as I do— specifically, they do not value women’s lives and autonomy the way I do.
I wonder how much of his views are holdovers that might change if he reflects further. I’ve found that lots of men haven’t given this issue as much thought as women have. Many seem to beleive that women “should have equal rights” but simultaneously uncritically accept that abortion is morally distasteful and wrong, but “sometimes necessary.” They haven’t done the intellectual work to recognize reproductive rights as an essential component of equality. Might be something to explore with him, especially if you feel like he is otherwise a good feminist.
Anon
I think this issue is more squishy than that as he’s questioning her morals related to late term abortion of a child with disabilities, not the right to abortion at all. It’s perfectly normal to draw your moral (but not legal) line at abortion for light disabilities or at super later term. But their issue is not how they feel about abortion specifically but really two major points: incompatible belief system and she doesn’t really want kids.
Honestly, OP I think you’re asking for heart ache. You’re mid to late 30s, statistically likelier to have a child with disabilities, so this situation really may come up, and you’re on the fence about kids in general. Set yourself free for the life you want which doesn’t seem to involve children and don’t trap this man in a life he doesn’t want (i.e. a family with a child).
OP
I think you’re probably right that he has never thought deeply about the implications the way that I have.
He indicated that he would be happy to take as long of a paternity leave as possible, after I went back to work, even if it was unpaid, for example. He understands how this is important for multiple reasons, not least of which helping him feel like he is a competent parent.
I am truly deeply conflicted about children and if anything, have had more favorable feelings towards it in the last few years than in the past. I have struggled with depression, anxiety and indecision in the past and that contributes to my reluctance. I have much warmer feelings towards actual children than I used to, for example, and am close to my family. I would like to have that relationship with adult children (I know there’s no guarantee but I definitely wouldn’t have it without kids). And a lot of my reluctance comes from my parents’ dysfunctional relationship and model; my mother did everything and my father did nothing and I know I am not willing to accept that.
I think I probably need to find a therapist again, ha.
Original Moonstone
I agree with this and want to add that the Catholic Church indoctrinated many of us so young to be ant-abortion in all circumstances that he’s going to have to really work to overcome this. So if his thinking on this has been superficial, he might be able to rethink his views with your help, but there’s a whole layer of judgment that we got installed at Mass that is hard to move on from.
OP
Ha, yea. I know. He went to Catholic school from 1st grade through college, as well. So he’s made a lot of progress, considering! He was also against living together before engagement/marriage and he came around on that. And he’s evolved his thinking about a lot of things that are less religiously indoctrinated when he’s been exposed to different ideas (like he’s become a more conscious carnivore) so it’s possible.
SC
I don’t think you’re making this into a bigger deal than it should be. I’ve seen couples struggle through this decision. Some decided to terminate, and some decided not to, but in both cases, being on the same page and having each other’s support was essential.
Anonymous
It’s a real values difference and I think I’d leave. I certainly would never get pregnant with someone with these views. Frankly, I don’t need to date people who think my morals are bad.
Anon
This exactly, that part of the post is the most concerning and I can’t imagine being with someone who thought that of me.
Anon
What’s more concerning to me is that you guys have been together for FIVE YEARS (that’s not a typo, right? you don’t mean five months?) and have never seriously discussed children or abortion. The idea that you guys have gone so long without having a serious conversation about a basic compatibility issue is a red flag for me. This doesn’t seem like a forever relationship, more of a FWB, “eh, we’re here, why not?” relationship.
OP
No, we’ve had discussions about children before and abortion. He was more undecided about kids when we started dating than he is now. I initiated the conversation as soon as it got semi-serious because I know it’s a minefield. He was definitely not “ready” at that point (and he was over 40 so it wasn’t crazy for me to think that he was ok with not having kids).
This discussion was specifically about late term abortion. It looks like NY is poised to significantly liberalize its abortion laws this year which excites me and it’s how it came up.
As I mentioned, he is in favor of legal abortion up through 20-ish weeks. It’s after that makes him uncomfortable. I think maybe some posters above made some good points about how education could work here. He has liberalized his thinking on other issues since I’ve known him, at least in part due to my influence. I doubt he would ever be comfortable with a pregnancy termination after say, 30 weeks though. I am uncomfortable putting any legal limit to it at all, given the uniqueness of different womens’ circumstances and the burden of carrying a pregnancy to term on women. I am probably extreme in my commitment to this. I don’t know if I would have an abortion at 35 weeks under any circumstances–but I want to make sure it’s legal and trust that women who do that make the right choice for them and their family.
nutella
On a practical level, this may not be an issue. I just had a kid at (almost) 41. There are two major testing points (at least for mothers of my age). The first is at 12 weeks, when you get a both genetic test for down syndrome and a few other (very serious) genetic diseases and get an extensive ultrasound. The second major testing point is the anatomy ultrasound, which is typically done at 20 weeks but can be done as early as 18 weeks. I believe they basically look for normal growth here.
Anon
I normally enjoy your comments, nutella, but this is wildly inaccurate and please don’t spread this kind of misinformation. It’s very possible to discover extremely serious health conditions at the 20 week ultrasound (which my OB and many others do at 21 weeks, precisely because some things are not as visible at 18-19 weeks). The 12 week screening test is just for Down’s and a couple of other chromosomal disorders, most of which are not life-threatening. There are all kinds of heart conditions and genetic diseases that do not become visible until the baby is much more developed. That ‘normal growth’ you mentioned is exactly what clues doctor in to most serious birth defects. It’s insulting to imply that women who learned about a serious birth defect after 20 weeks are negligent somehow and should have learned about them earlier.
And it’s not like you discover the defect and terminate the same day. You have to weigh your options, make a decision with your partner and doctors and (in many cases) travel long distances to a place where you can obtain this kind of abortion (abortions after 20 weeks are banned in my state and many others, unless the mother’s life is in jeopardy). It’s very common for this process to take over two weeks. Most people who terminate due to serious birth defects do so in the 20-26 week window. OP is absolutely not wrong or borrowing trouble to be worried about this issue.
the real nutella
omgomgomgomgomg!!!
I am the original nutella. Please do not post under this name and choose another one. Thanks!
Anon
I don’t think this is correct…
Anonymous
On a practical note you aren’t getting an abortion at 35 weeks. This is not a real issue you need to prepare for.
Anonymous
Has he read about Savita Halappanavar – the Indian woman who died of sepsis in a hospital in Ireland because the law prohibited her from terminating her pregnancy even though it was clear she was having a miscarriage? Granted, her pregnancy was at 17 weeks, but miscarriage – and complications arising from miscarriage – can happen at any time. If something like this happened at 21 weeks, or 27, or 35, does he think that a woman shouldn’t be able to terminate her pregnancy?
I think a lot of the arguments against abortion have to do with a lack of education about pregnancy. We have this cultural narrative that pregnancy and delivery is nbd – just “pop” the baby out – but the reality is sh*t goes wrong. Sometimes really wrong. Regardless of where he comes down on this, I think that making him aware that there’s no “safe” time in a pregnancy might go a long way toward inspiring some empathy.
OP
Right. I agree with all of this, obviously. I think in his head it would be ok if it’s life or death. He understands that if it came down to me or the fetus in an emergency situation, he is to insist that they try to save me.
I think maybe he would see my side a bit more fully if he heard some personal stories, I just have to figure out how to get him to do that with an open mind.
nasty woman
This also makes me think that he hasn’t explored this issue very much. I don’t mean this to sound derisive, but he’s probably imagining the trope of a woman who just has an abortion after 30 weeks for ‘no reason’ and believes that’s immoral and shouldn’t be allowed. Most of us who are rational adults and anyone who is familiar with reproductive justice/health issues knows that this is not a thing that happens. Can I say that it’s never ever ever happened? No, but that would be a truly isolated incident. Abortion after 30+ weeks for ‘no reason’ is such a nonsensical scenario if you actually think about it. First, very, very few doctors in the country perform them. Remember George Tiller? He was murdered in 2009 and had long been targeted by anti’s because he was one of the few doctors who performed late term abortions. Dr. Leroy Carhart is another high profile doctor. I bring them up because it might be useful for you and him to do some exploring about their work– why they are (or, were..) motivated to do what they do, the incredible risks they take to do this work, and you’ll find stories that highlight how difficult it is for a patient to obtain an abortion under these circumstances (really, anything past 24ish weeks, even if there is a serious defect or health issue). The stories of women who have had these procedures are truly harrowing. I can’t imagine the heartbreak.
Late term abortions are very expensive- thousands and thousands of dollars. Late term abortions take multiple days and are serious medical procedures. No one just decides, “oh, I’d rather go to brunch than get some Plan B, and if I get pregnant I’m just going to put off this abortion until 30 weeks.” Why would you? Why would a woman carry a pregnancy for 30+ weeks— until long past the date that she’s showing and all of her friends, family, and acquaintances expect her to, um, have a baby— and then just be like, oh, okay, let me fly half way across the country, spend thousands dollars, subject myself to crazy anti choicers who threaten to bomb the clinic I’m going to, go through an invasive, risky, multi-day medical procedure to end a pregnancy? Would a doctor even perform a 30+ week abortion on a healthy woman with a healthy fetus? Honestly I doubt it.
I’m with you- I don’t think there should be legal limits. It *sounds* extreme, but in reality, it’s not. I think that a legal limit is a solution in search of a problem and would be damaging because like you say, all circumstances are different. The trope of the woman who just up and decides to have an abortion at 35 weeks is a straw man designed to get the pro-choice person to agree that “unfettered” abortion access isn’t moral.
Anon
+1 to all this
OP
Yes, yes, yes, yes, YES. THIS. 100000%
I know this sounds silly but I have often gotten him to reconsider things when he listens to podcasts about the topics. I honestly probably do get my back up too fast at times about things like this that seem obvious/non-negotiable to me and I think that it can make the discussion challenging. He also gets defensive. Listening to podcasts allows him to hear the arguments and consider them and not feel like he is being attacked.
So uh, anyone have any recommendations for any good podcasts that say basically what you just said? Personal stories from women would be fantastic, as would stories from men who have successfully evolved on the issue. I know there’s one from The Longest Shortest Time. I’ll try to get him to listen. Any others?
nasty woman
OP, I want to make clear that I wrote all this out not to imply you weren’t aware, but just as an example of the mental exercise I go through when I have this conversation with people like your SO. Good luck to you both.
Anonymous
I am really surprised that people 1) think they know what they’d do in situation X and use it as the basis of Thoughts and Discussions, 2) think that this means they have thought through things (b/c life will throw Y and Z at you), and 3) think that things are immutable because we say they are immutable.
Life is full of changes and degrees of gray. What if your kid doesn’t have Down Syndrome but as autism? You find out too late to terminate — what do you do then? Or if they become wheelchair bound from an accident? You really don’t know, do you?
Life surprises us. People surprise us. Not always for the better.
Fear brings out the worst in us: I am afraid that I can’t handle X. I’m afraid that YOU can’t handle X.
Amin
I can still know that I would abort a fetus with severe, known medical problems and also acknowledge that he or she may have an accident or some other problem that emerges later in life. Those aren’t mutually exclusive.
Anon
Exactly. Wanting to prevent a child from suffering isn’t inconsistent with the idea that the child may have to suffer in some other way that’s impossible to prevent.
Anon
This is such a dumb argument. You can’t diagnose autism or a “wheelchair bound accident” in utero.
Never too many shoes...
10:28 Anonymous – as someone who lives this every day, your example is ridiculous. I had a baby at 38, had all the tests available and absolutely would have terminated under the circumstances described without any hesitation whatsoever…and my son has significant autism that impacts our lives on every level. You can know what you would choose while accepting that there are things over which you do not have control and therefore no choice.
Anon
Deal breaker.
Not on your actual views (he is perfectly valid to draw the line at late term abortion if he considers certain disabilities not as severe as you as he may be okay raising a disabled child and you are perfectly valid to draw the line at not wanting to raise a child with severe disabilities that you find during pregnancy as not everyone wants to or can handle that burden).
The deal breaker is that your relationship wouldn’t survive if the situation arose that you wanted an abortion. He realistically could never actually limit your ability to have one, but your main views on subjects like this should be aligned so that the relationship can withstand the pressure. If he’s questioning your morals on this hypothetical situation then you may not be compatible long term.
TBH you should let him go to be free to be with someone who enthusiastically wants a child and free yourself to be with someone who feels the same about their life path. If he were the right person he’d be aligned with your choice to have children or your ambivalence related to kids would disappear at the chance to raise kids with a man who really wants them.
Anon
+1
Never too many shoes...
He judged and insulted your morality, that is the hard fact. Do not have children with him. This is clearly a deeper issue than just this one thing.
Anon
I personally could not be with someone who would impose his theoretical beliefs on my real body.
But to be honest, like most anti-choice establishment men, he would most likely support abortion when it benefited him, so I would not worry about this actually happening.
OP
Sigh, he is really really not “anti-choice.” He supports legal abortion at least up through the 20th week. I honestly don’t think he has really had a deep think about reasons for abortion after that but his gut reaction is that it makes him uncomfortable. It doesn’t make him anti choice. It doesn’t make him enthusiastically pro-choice either but it’s not the same thing.
Anon
I seriously doubt he has fully formed opinions on this subject. Generally, men don’t have to think about this stuff as a matter of life course. They’re really only thinking about abortion either when their their partner is accidentally pregnant or when their partner is having a planned pregnancy complication. Their general thoughts on this subject are just absorbed through osmosis from their environment and slosh around in their heads as an unformed glob of general feelings (that some dare to call morality). If you all have different experiences with your partners, please tell me where they are from and what age they are. Mine is a Bay Area genX/millenial cusp, which I think is as “progressive” as they come, and the above describes him perfectly.
anon
I think maybe the issue is that you are discussing things too generally, ironically. And he almost certainly hasn’t thought about this issue in any real way and is lazily responding based on the messages he absorbed growing up. Maybe start by doing a little research on the real reasons women terminate late, and discuss those scenarios in specific. Examples: Child has Tay-Sachs. Baby’s organs are developing outside their body and will die a few days after birth. You develop an infection and the options are either you both probably die or you terminate (happened to a friend of mine. It was awful…that was her miracle baby after years of infertility). Also, there was a documentary that came out a few years ago about late term called After Tiller which you might watch together- it featured a devout Lutheran provider who was murdered at church. As a devout Christian, I care deeply about the right to late term terminations as I think they often the best scenario for already tragic scenarios. (And that we should make protest signs against these terrible diseases, not against terminating!)
Never too many shoes...
I am not sure she should have to convince her partner that her choice is paramount only in the absolute worst of tragic situations as you noted above. It is her body and therefore her choice no matter the reason – if he does not agree with that for all reasons and only grudgingly accepts it for the most extreme scenario, that is a fundamental difference of approach… because if her hypothetical child turned out to have a disorder that was not the worst but also more than she was willing to accept and decided to terminate, not only would she not have his support but their relationship would be over.
Anon
I don’t have any perspective on the relationship but just commenting how unfair these decisions are. He’s at least in his mid 40s and has had all this time to decide where he stands on children. Poor OP has to make this decision now without the benefit of additional 10 years of life experience or another 10 years to figure out where she stands on it and work through these compatibility issues. I just hate the biology of being a woman.
OP
Thanks. Yes, he acknowledged on his own how unfair it all is.
I mean, I am in the middle of a part-time grad program & not having a kid before I’m done with it, at least. And I would need to have a new job–there are many problems with my current workplace and lack of support for working parents is one of them—and have been there for awhile to establish credibility. So it’s not going to happen tomorrow. Partly why the conversation was broached most recently is that my IUD expires soon and I wanted to talk about what to do after that. If I were single, I would just get a new one but I wanted to discuss it as a couple. We weren’t together when I had this one inserted.
He has also had the opportunity to break up with me if having kids was truly a deal-breaker. He was under the impression I was more anti-kids than I am and still chose to move in with me, etc. And I have always been up front with him about my reluctance, from pretty early on.
Anon
As a couple who forgot how to use condoms properly while on (with?) IUD which resulted in unplanned pregnancy/abortion, I and husband REALLY recommend just getting it reinserted and take it out two months later if that’s when you want a baby. Also, my health insurance was horrible and I got the new one at Planned Parenthood.
OP
Ha. My insurance would cover the new one–think they have to. #thanksobama
But honestly the insertion sucks. I had a GREAT doctor do it last time so it wasn’t a horror story like I hear from some others but she has moved out of state and I don’t currently have a GYN who I like/trust. Totally worth it if it’s providing years of BC, less so if it’s going to be taken out soonish. I would probably go on the ring if I were doing shorter term BC, I’ve used it before and while it’s less easy/more error prone than the IUD it’s not a daily thing to remember like the pill.
I am not looking forward to getting periods again. I haven’t had one at all since about a year after it was inserted and even the first year, they were such nothing burgers that I feel like I don’t remember what it’s like to have to deal with that whole thing once a month. Ha.
anon
On a somewhat unrelated note, I feel frustrated at men who kick around until they’re in their mid-late 30s and decide that, “oh, NOOOOOOOWWWWWWW I finally feel ready to settle down, I think. Where are all the hot 24 year olds??? I want to make sure that my kids aren’t born with any genetic conditions.” It just makes me sad.
Friend's husband on dating app
What would you do in this situation? A friend’s husband showed up on a dating app the other day – they have been married a while so its not like this is an old profile that came up. And we have a lot of single friends so if I saw it, I bet quite a few other single women in our social circle have likely seen his profile too. Some backstory: I don’t like the husband because I don’t think he treats my friend well. I told my friend early on in their marriage that she would have a lot of support from her friends if she left him, which was a mistake because she didn’t leave him, had kids with him, and she has shut out a lot of her old friends who she knows dislike her husband. When we do get together, she always talks about how amazing her husband and marriage is, in a pretty obvious overcompensating way. So, I don’t know whether it is worth it to tell her this information – we have drifted apart as a result of her marriage, she seems unlikely to leave her husband, and it may cause her heartache to know that other people know her husband is trying to cheat on her. But it also seems disloyal to not tell her if I (and who knows how many others) know this information. What would you do?
anon for this
Screenshot and send to her — you have nothing to lose and she should know.
Anon
+1
Anon
Agree. If you feel you need to, create a burner email account – you don’t need to disclose any more information than a screenshot or a link to the profile. You aren’t close so getting the information from a dear friend is not going to soften the blow. For so long as it’s up there it’s a public embarrassment to her. I’d want to know.
Anonymous
This – just say ‘I saw this and thought you should know. I didn’t want to hide it from you.’
Don’t comment on what she should or shouldn’t do with the info.
Anon
I don’t disagree with the advice that she should know, but I do think you have something to lose – there’s a good chance she’ll end the friendship (assuming she wants to stay with him despite this, which very well may be the case).
Never too many shoes...
Show her. I would also check a few other dating apps and see if he is on those too.
Anon
Eh, I wouldn’t be so sure it’s not an old profile. A lot of people don’t kill those things. Before causing drama, I’d look at it to see if there’s current activity (most of those sites have some indication of when a person logged in)
K
Also this. Sometimes I get single guy friends who tell me they found me on Bumble, when I haven’t actually been on Bumble in probably 3 years (deleted the app but not the profile, apparently).
Anonymous
She says in the first sentence they have been married a while so it couldn’t be an old profile. Dating apps are pretty new, folks. Tinder has been around for 7 years and Bumble for 5. So if friend and dude have been together longer than that, then there’s no reason dude should have a profile.
OP
Right – exactly this – they have been married over a decade and have two kids. No reason for him to have a profile on a dating website.
Anon
Are you able to tell how recent the profile may be by the photos?
Anon
They aren’t that new, Match just turned 20
Anonymous
The app isn’t. If you made a profile 20 years ago, it didn’t get automatically converted into an app-style profile when they started the app.
K
Have you talked to her recently? In college I found a friend’s boyfriend on Tinder and screenshotted it to send to her. Before I even sent it she told me they broke up the week before. So maybe talk to her about how things are going first? She might tell you that things have gone downhill or something.
Anon
This. I’d also probably keep my mouth shut unless it was my BFF
Anon
Just one more perspective – a lot more people than you think are in open relationships, and there are so many people on dating apps who are on them with their partner’s approval/blessing. Dan Savage often responds to this kind of question with “you don’t know what their arrangement is”. Having said that, if you have concerns for your friend, nothing should stop you from sharing it with her – if she already knows she may be a bit embarrassed that her friend saw it, but that may be worth it.
Is it Friday yet?
If so, he should disclose that in his profile, as it’s something that potential matches should totally be aware of.
Anon
If you’re not close to her anymore, you very easily could be missing a separation or divorce. That’s what I would assume first, rather than cheating.
Dating
Do you care if the guys you date/marry are unambitious? I’ve gone out a few times with this guy who is smart and who I like, but he works at a little paying job as a secretary that he doesn’t like. I feel like if he didn’t make a lot of money but loved his job (i.e, nonprofit workers, teacher), it wouldn’t bother me. Or if he made high five figures/low six figures in a job he was indifferent to, it wouldn’t bother me. But something about the low pay in a job he doesn’t like when he smart enough to do so much else bothers me – why doesn’t he get a different job then? I think part of it is the fear that I don’t want to be a sole breadwinner, but maybe I’m just not being fair. Thoughts
Annonnnn
Yes, I care. I don’t care how much money they make or what kind of job they do, but I care that they have some sort of ambition in life, whether it’s via volunteering, furthering their career, having a hobby that they are dedicated to, or whatever.
I would cut my losses on this guy. It doesn’t sound like you really like him and even resent him a little? That’s bad news at the start of dating. Thank you, next!
Anon
+1
Anonymous
Yeah I don’t date people I don’t respect, and you don’t respect him.
Anon
You know he makes little money in a low paying job. But have you asked him if he’s looking for a new job or preparing towards a better career? It sounds like you’ve judged this guy really harshly for being in a low paying job he doesn’t like. He may just be stuck for the moment preparing for a better opportunity but has to keep it to pay bills – hello lots of people are in that situation don’t be a B because he’s not as successful as you yet. It’s one thing if he’s just bitter and complainy but also doing nothing to change his situation, it’s another if he’s bitter and complainy about a job that sucks but actively trying to switch jobs or careers. A few dates may not be enough to get that information out of him or discuss long term career goals.
Dating
It doesn’t seem like he’s making an effort to get a different job, but maybe it’s too soon to really tell. We are in our early 30s, so it’s not like he has just been in this job for only a year or two. At one point, he was considering going back to school but he says he decided against it.
I don’t think it’s that I don’t respect him, I think it’s that I don’t understand him. I grew up poor and worked really really hard to not have to worry on a daily basis about food and housing and to be able to afford extras. So, for me, I just don’t understand why somebody who is intelligent would choose to take a job making 40 K in a VHCOL area. Security is just so important to me
Anon
In that case it seems like you just don’t approach life in the same way and aren’t compatible. It’s telling that you use words “I don’t understand him” when it comes to his approach to life and career, girl he just isn’t for you.
Anonnnnnnnnn
As someone who tried to date someone who “didn’t understand me,” stop dating him right now. It won’t work and it will not be a fun ride.
Anon
Tbh, given the background you’re describing, he could very well have a “If it isn’t broken, don’t fix it” mentality and just be incredibly risk-averse. To him, $40k as a secretary may be more than he expected growing up. He may not totally understand that he would be able to make more/be happier elsewhere. He also wouldn’t have been around people that made more money, etc. to have as role models.
Anonymous
I’m seeing a couple of places where the two of you approach life differently:
* Your past drives you to crave security in the form of a good income. He doesn’t have that approach to life.
* You worked really really hard to get out of a situation that was distressing to you. He’s not working at all to get out of a situation that YOU find distressing (it’s not clear that whether he finds it distressing).
So, he’s not driven by what drives you, and he doesn’t respond to situations the way you do. Those aren’t deal killers, if the two of you work through them and have a strong relationship. But you’re going to run into this fundamental mismatch a lot.
Vicky Austin
“Doesn’t like job” is very different from “doesn’t aspire to be a CEO and King of the World and an Instagram influencer to boot.” If he loved being a secretary, he’d presumably aspire to be a good secretary and to make other people’s lives better doing it, and I’d have no problem with that. But as you say, “why not get a job you actually like?” Is he making any effort to do so? If not, why not?
Anonymous
I don’t care about how much money they make, but I hesitate to date guys who are perpetually unhappy about their low-paying jobs. I don’t want to hear endless complaining about an easily fixable thing. Like you make $15/hour, you could do literally anything else and make the same. Your failure to do anything about this situation suggest that you apparently just want to be unhappy. I don’t want to date someone who wants to be unhappy. Or who is so afraid of change that perpetual unhappiness seems like the better option.
Anon
+1
I have a very slow-starting husband who is a smart guy and has many great qualities but his whining about not liking his job in the last two years while doing very little to improve the situation makes me cringe and I have a hard time being supportive. The not-liking-his-job situation makes him resentful towards life and often mildly depressed, which doesn’t help with getting out of the situation. There would have to be MANY pluses to this type of personality for me to knowingly enter such a relationship again.
Airplane
Yes I care. If he’s not ambitious in his career or doesn’t care about financial security, then our life goals and value systems simply do not align and he would not make a great partner for me. Based on the two comments you’ve made here on what you value and how you don’t feel you understand him, I would not keep seeing him if I were you.
Anonymous
Yes I would care. The ex I was the most into was a personal trainer, but in talking to him I could tell he was really passionate about what he did and was working on creative ways to monetize his skills or to do adjacent things. He could talk about why he was into what he did in a mature and eloquent way, and we shared other interests.
Conversely, I would also be open to dating someone like me, a relatively high earner (high 5 figures to six figures) who is indifferent to his job but had other passions or ventures I respected.
If there is neither, then at best we can be friends who do things, but I wouldn’t catch feelings if I didnt’ respect the guy.
Anon
Yes, absolutely. I am ambitious and I would not be happy with somebody who wasn’t ambitious in some part of their life. Doesn’t necessarily mean I want a partner with a high-powered career, it just has to be present in some aspect of their life.
lawsuited
Somebody in your relationship has to be the primary breadwinner (I imagine only dating people who earn exactly what you do would complicate dating even further), so think about why you feel that shouldn’t be you. I think a lot of women subconsciously hold onto the idea of wanting to bag a high-earning spouse which is part of the same misogynistic system so many of us on this board rail against. I don’t think you get to have it every way.
A lot of people use “lack of ambition” as a euphemism for “low earning” or “low prestige”. I think you’d be okay with the low earnings if he worked for a non-profit because that’s still considered a high prestige job and is therefore acceptable to you and your circle. You definitely shouldn’t date someone in a low paying or low prestige job if you’re unable to respect them, but definitely take some time to think about why that is.
Annonnnn
IMO, the biggest issue isn’t what may or may not happen in the future, but what your partner thinks about your morality NOW. If you aren’t on the same page with morals, that seems like a recipe for disaster if you have kids together.
Annonnnn
Ugh for different anon above.
MNF
What is an appropriate christening gift to get for your best friend’s baby? Northeast Catholic if it matters. First in our circle, so there’s no clear precedent.
Anonymous
Cash or a stuffed lamb or a kids bible or a nicely bound hardcover classic to grow into (I like Narnia or Little Women because they both have strong religious messages).
Anon
Cash or a savings bond.
K
+1 that’s what I got for most of my Catholic sacraments. Other options include a cross necklace, a rosary, kids bible, picture frame with a bible quote, etc.
anon
I’m Northeast Catholic (NYC suburb). All but one of the guests at my kids’ christenings gave a check. Typically $50 from a friend.
anon
Cash/check (parents typically stash these gifts in a college savings account).
Anonymous
I would generally give a small check ($25) plus the Little People Noah’s Ark set with a Noah’s ark board book.
Lots to Learn
My favorite baby gift (not really a christening gift) was a silver cake knife with the child’s name and birthdate engraved on the blade. We use it to cut all birthday cakes for that child.
MNF
OK – Noah’s Ark set and money. If you give a check, how do you make it out? To parent/child?
Anon
I have a 9 month old puppy. We are currently crating her during the day while we are at work (dog-walker comes at mid-day) but would like to start transitioning her to being out of crate during the day. During the weekend, we’ve started ramping up time she spends out of the crate by herself, we’ve left her out for couple of hours, and everything has been great. The issue we are having is that during the week, she has started acting out more; most likely to protest being put in the crate. But when she acts out more, we are less likely to think she can be out of the crate for long periods of time… So it’s a bit of a chicken and the egg situation. Anyone else experienced this and have advice?
mascot
Acting out how? Like being difficult to get back in the crate? I think that’s understandable- she’d rather have her freedom. If she’s being trustworthy about everything other than the get in the crate, the fun has stopped time, then I’d venture that she is ready. Could you leave her out in the morning and then have the dog walker put her back in? Ideally she’d be tired and ready for a nap, so less likely to grumble about going back in the crate.
Anon
General practice is to slowly increase her free space over time, not to give free reign to the home all at once for short periods of time. For example, section off the area just around the crate and expand that, expand to the room the crate is in, and so on. The pup needs to start equating the house to one big crate and safe space so she knows not to use the bathroom there.
With respect to the pup “acting out”, it’s 9 months, it needs formal training, mental toys to keep it occupied, and simply lack of access to sensitive or chewable items. Dogs chew generally into a year and a half because their adult teeth are coming in and out of boredom.
DogMom
It’s way, way, way too soon to start leaving her loose in the house. 9-12 months old is smack in the middle of unruly adolescence for dogs (which coincides with when many once-cute puppies end up in the shelter for tearing stuff up). Stick with her crate routine, give her plenty of exercise and revisit the conversation once she’s at least 3 (adulthood in my slow to mature breed). I honestly have never had one that was bomb-proof trustworthy to be loose in the house before age 6 or 7.
anon
agree with this – way way too early. I wouldn’t start this training until the puppy is 2 years at the earliest, depending on maturity.
+1
What’s the rush? We didn’t let our girl on the furniture until she was a year old.
We felt comfortable at around age 1 1/2 leaving her uncrated, but it was very very very gradual, and that was a surprise to us because she is a normally destructive/get in trouble/stubborn breed, but she has earned the privilege. We have a dog walker, but I also think it helps immensely that she goes to daycare 3 times a week and gets lots of outdoor time when we are home on the weekends, so she sleeps it off on non-daycare days.
Anon
OP: We have a dog gate, so by “letting her out of the crate,” she would be let out in a dog-proofed area of the home. Not given free range of the whole house.
By acting out, I mean that she starts finding things to chew. Like, for example, we have left her out of the crate while we have gone out for dinner (after she’s been out of the crate that day) and come home and nothing is wrong. But in the morning between when she wakes up and when she knows she will be in the crate, she will go through the kitchen and start finding and chewing anything on the counter (umbrellas, wooden spoons, etc.).
cbackson
Read about the secondary fear period in puppies. This may not have much to do with the fact that you’re letting her out of the crate and more to do with her developmental stage. My pup went through a period of chewing again and other anxiety symptoms around that same age.
stargazer
Our dog never took to the crate (she has past trauma). We started blocking off the kitchen and letting her stay there. When she did not destroy anything, we increased the space. If she damaged anything, the space would be decreased. She’s now a 5 year old brat who spends all her time in our bed.
Anonymous
Any recommendations for a quality poster printer? I have a 18×24” PDF I would like to print & frame as a present; it’s mostly digital artwork with large portions of solid color and a small amount of text. I want it to be on archival paper and quality printing—think commemorative posters you’d purchase from art exhibit or festival. Quick search for archival poster printing returns many online companies. Anyone have experience / recommendation? I’ve used Artifact Uprising for holiday cards but their poster printing service says it’s inkjet printing (does not that seem correct method to me?)
Anonymous
All the podcasters rave about Framebridge. The site looks easy to use.
Anon
They rave because they’re advertising, though.
D
Check out MPix. Been very happy with prints I’ve done through them.
Ponte Pants
Recs for ponte pants? I’m looking for a slim silhouette that will look more like skinny jeans than leggings for my (extremely) casual office. Pockets are a plus.
RGH
My constant search!! Right now am loving the Ann Taylor outlet’s modern ponte five pocket pants. In past years (and am still using) ponte pants from White House Black Market, Talbot’s. New season from those places had slightly different cuts/material than prior year’s so I returned.
cat socks
Years ago I bought a pair from NYDJ. Recently I’ve found a couple of pairs that are more pant-like at Target and Wal-Mart of all places. I would also check Macy’s and Old Navy.
Anon
I got some at Costco recently that are great.
Anonymous
I’ve struggled with low energy a lot in my life (and I recently learned that much of my mom’s family experiences the same). I want to address it this year but my primary doctor has been an OBGYN. Is this in their wheelhouse or do I need to find a PCP?
Anon
Have your vitamin D checked. Mine was low-ish and my doctor told me to take 2000 IU of vitamin D3 and the difference was dramatic, practically overnight. I went from being constantly exhausted to feeling energetic and like a human again.
Anon
I sort of doubt either of them with do much besides basic blood work (thyroid, hemoglobin, vit D, B12, etc.), so you might as well start with your OBGYN if they’re willing to do this.
Anonymous
Could it be mild depression?
OP
Definitely a contributing factor–I’ve had that off and on my whole life–but I think there’s also more to it.
Anon
Thyroid issues are more genetic than things like depression or vitamin imbalances, so if other family members have it, there’s a good chance you’re hypothyroid. Your OB can do bloodwork.
OP
Thanks! I’ve been checked for thyroid issues in the past but certainly open to checking (or rechecking) anything that could be behind this.
babybiglaw
Any recommendations for a dermatologist in the DC metro area? Strong preference for someone who has experience with people of color. I’d rather avoid being anyone’s experiment again . . .
Legally Brunette
Yes, Dr. Joy Chen at Happy Healthy Skin in Rockville. She specializes in treating women of color and is excellent. She’s too far for me, otherwise I would have kept going to her.
Anon
Someone posted above about where to purchase an umbrella insurance policy- how much do they generally cost?
Anonymous
Totally depends on level of coverage, your risk (jetskis? politician? how much real estate) – basically how likely are you to attract a lawsuit), your credit, and the underlying limits of your other policies (home/auto, etc) that get tapped first (umbrella is used as secondary insurance).
Anon
Not much because other sources of insurance (home, auto) get way more claims. Ours is $165/year for $1M of umbrella coverage. LCOL area, two adults each with our own vehicle (+ one infant, but I don’t think she affects insurance) and we own a single family home.
Small Firm IP Litigator
Ours is just over $200/year for $1M. Two adults, two cars, renters in a HCOL area.
Date Night Outfit Inspiration?
I need some idea help – what are good cold weather date night outfit ideas? Specifically, when you and your spouse/SO don’t have any plans made (no kids are in the picture, so there’s a lot of freedom) and you both get home on a Friday and an hour later decide you’re not going to cook, and you’re going to go to place X. Place X is a sit-down restaurant, there may be one other family with kids under ten in the entire place, but it’s mostly other couples/double dates. While technically no one is really going to bat an eye if you walked in in yoga pants and sweatshirt, you want to look nice, but it’s not a full dress and heels date night out.
I feel like I always end up wearing the same black v neck shirt, jeans, and booties and I’m hopeful for some inspiration. Thanks in advance!
Vicky Austin
This is where I would bust out my collection of fun, slightly frivolous, not-really-sedate-enough-for-my-office skirts from college! Skater skirts, the button-front ones, an old black velvet five-pocket miniskirt that I adore, etc. Swap one for the jeans and put on leggings or fun tights and see what happens!
Anonymous
Sweater dress, tights, booties.
Shopaholic
leather leggings? On weekend dates, I often wear leather leggings and a sweater. Or I would wear one of my silky work tops that’s lower cut (I wear it with a cami at work) with a pushup bra over jeans and boots.
pugsnbourbon
Oh man, I have been a) lusting after leather-look leggings and b) bemoaning my lack of nicer casual clothes, so I may need to bite the bullet and bet a pair.
Shopaholic
Do it. I love mine so much.
Mine are from Aritzia but I’ve heard really amazing things about the Spanx ones.
Anon
Good recs for leather leggings? I’d love a pair.
Cat
Swap the vneck for a silky shell/cami layered with a cute open/flyaway cardigan?
Skirt/dress outfits never work for me for winter casual/impromptu dates. If I get home from work on a Friday and WAS planning to be in sweatpants mode, there is no way in h3ll you’re getting me to put tights on to go to dinner.
Britt
I love sweater dresses with FLEECE TIGHTS…or regular opaque tights. Have a couple of merino sweater dresses that look amazing with the latter.
Anon
To be honest, I wouldn’t change from work. Typically on a Friday we have a at home cocktail after work. My husband really loves to work a cocktail shaker and I now have a Pavlovian response to she spound of it – specifically “awwww yiss! It’s friday!” After the cocktail I definitely do not feel like showering, changing clothes, doing my hair etc. So at most I’d change into different shoes, gussy up a little bit with lipstick, maybe a little spritz of scent, comb my hair, and hit the door.
Ariadne
I live in a large walkable city, no kids, and my go to winter date/dinner/lunch outfit is usually a skirt of sorts, and black fleece lined tights or leggings (my feet and legs are always freezing). I bought a cute sweater skirt on sale at Anthropologie, and have lots of pointe knit skirts for this purpose (and let’s be honest… I love skirts of any kind…)
Maybe add a scarf to the black v neck, or a more colourful sweater. I have cobalt and yellow sweaters that surprisingly match lots of other colours as well as black. I often add a scarf, or jewelry, and wear with booties, or taller flat boots because…cold feet and legs again, and because we mostly walk everywhere. A couple of outfits I may wear just to give you an idea are
—black shorter skirt with black fleece lined tights and yellow oversized loose cowl turtle neck with boots.
— cobalt sweater with grey/ or patterned skirt with a complimentary scarf or jewellery pendant of your choice, and boots.
— navy merino wool thin v neck sweater with long blush pink cardi over top and navy flounced pointe skirt and boots. Sweater covers most of skirt, so,it almost like a dress, but with skirt and top.
Eyeglasses chain
I’m becoming more dependent on eyeglasses and am thinking it would be practical to put them on a chain around my neck. Is it inevitable that a chain will look frumpy? Any suggestions on styles that look stylish and are affordable?
Anonymous
This is never going to look stylish.
CostAccountant
+ 1
Anon
Honestly this is why I got full time glasses. To me, it’s just better to walk around with glasses on all the time than to be whipping them on and off all
The time. Particularly those little readers – it’s hard to see anything stylish about any of them, and the act of taking them on and off is just distracting. My realization about this happened when I was doing an important presentation and I had to keep taking off my glasses to look at people while I was talking and put them back on to look at my slides. It was bad.
My full time glasses have progressive lenses, so reading in the bottom, and a very minor distance prescription in the top. I could totally live without the distance prescription.
Another thing it has helped with is driving. When you have to look at nav on your phone and can’t see it without the readers, it’s time.
Anon
Has anyone done genetic testing for cancer? I have some relatives who have had cancers (some at a younger age) and doc is suggesting it but I’m wondering if there’s anything I should be considering. Thanks!