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This gorgeous checked crepe dress from Roland Mouret looks Middleton-esque, in the best way possible. While I may not have perfected the Duchess Slant (Are my legs too short? Too long? Am I just not limber enough to sit like that for long periods of time?), I do look to the Duchess of Cambridge for style inspiration from time to time.
This would be a great item to have on hand if you’re starting to attend after-work networking events again. It would be beautiful with a black blazer for the office but looks professional and a bit festive without.
The dress is on sale for $780 at Net-a-Porter (marked down from $1,950) and comes in UK sizes 6–20.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Anonymous
Has anyone tried Honeylove shapewear? I get ads for that all the time. I’d love to find something that holds in my tummy and is actually comfortable enough to wear to work.
Anonymous
I’ve not tried this. Soma has Vanishing Tummy panties. I tried the high cut leg version and they are comfortable and smooth things out. I plan on getting more pairs and experimenting with different cuts. Not the thing if you want intense shaping but I have found you have to choose between comfort and sucking it in.
Anon
I tried the high-waist shaper, due to a fluke. My friend, who is a medium, ordered shaping leggings, and they sent two XXL shapers. So she gave them to me, as the Co said not to bother returning them.
Anyway–it is quick tight like Spanx, so I guess it’s doing its job. I don’t think I could wear it a whole day–I felt pretty constricted. I am normally a 1X in bottoms.
I’d def wear for a special occasion, but not on the daily.
Anonymous
Has anyone written for an established publication, like a local newspaper or a magazine? What are some tips on cold-submitting or pitching? How does a specialist in a field with popular appeal, or someone with some things to say, gain access?
roxie
Do you mean as an op-ed contributor, or as a freelance journalist?
Anon
I’ve yet to get published this way, but many publications have pitch guidelines, especially if you’re looking to write opinion pieces. I’ve gotten favorable feedback from editors from respectable outlets just following the pitch guidelines.
However, I’ve heard for publications like the NYT, it’s best to have strong connections or be very prominent already to have a decent chance of getting published.
editrix
1. Make a call or two or do some online sleuthing to determine which editor should receive the pitch.
2. Develop a compelling one-sentence argument for the piece’s relevance.
Anonymous
The publication should have submission guidelines. It also makes a difference if you are looking to be a one-time contributor (like an op-ed) or a freelance journalist. Anyone can submit for an op-ed. Freelance will typically expect clips of your work and you’ll make your availability known and hope they give you an assignment, and you’ll work your way to better gigs over time (often by word of mouth or connections along the way). If you are submitting to a publication serving your field, you’ll usually pitch your idea to an editor (usually a formal submission process). Once approved, you’ll write it in its entirety and may need to pass a peer review process (if it’s a peer-reviewed journal) You may be accepted outright, accepted with edits needed (they’ll specify where peers thought it needed more info, etc.) or rejected. Competition will vary heavily by journal.
Anonymous
What under eye concealer do you use? I have been using IT Cosmetics bye bye undereye, but the consistency of it is a bit too greasy. I tried Maybelline age rewind concealer wand and that consistency works great, but there is some ingredient in it that makes my eyes water like crazy.
Anonymous
I’ve tried .. pretty much all of them. The one I consistently return to is Nars Radiant Creamy Concealer. I’m also currently liking the Hourglass Vanish concealer.
Anon
+1 Nars is the best.
Anon
Another +1.
Daffodil
+1 to Nars
Anon
I am wearing reading glasses full-time now at work and I feel like glasses and undereye concealer don’t mix well or the glasses drive up the caking factor. I will miss how masks hid so many problem areas (otherwise: not at all).
Anon
Erase paste by Benefit. Lasts forever and only one that’s ever worked for me.
Anon
Tarte Shape Tape or Tarte Creaseless
anon
I’ve tried both of those. I like the Maybelline one better; it’s a bummer that it doesn’t work well! I read somewhere (insta?) that there is a new Shape Tape formulation that’s supposed to be a bit thinner and better if you have any fine lines. But honestly, I am using less concealer these days and just lightly applying foundation in that area with a sponge. I’m so tired of concealer settling in the fine lines. That looks worse than having some undereye color.
anon for this
Glossier stretch concealer. Ride or die.
Anon
I like a sheer reflective concealer that bounces light more than covers opaquely. I am using Trish McEvoy Instant Eye Lift.
roxie
I’m a recent convert to Bobbie Brown’s undereye concealer!
anon
I am tired and frustrated with run of the mill work stuff. Nothing is terrible and career decisions don’t need to be rethought, but I do need some short term coping skills. How do you shrug off garden variety frustration and unpleasantness at work?
anon
I go all in on stuff I enjoy outside of work and get even better at reinforcing work/personal life boundaries so that nothing from work that’s frustrating or aggravating bleeds over into my personal life. I also tend to take online trainings and read articles to break up the boringness of the day.
anon
For actual garden variety frustration and unpleasantness, I vent to a non-work friend and remind myself that I’m getting paid.
Anonymous
Do some stress relieving activities. I am really bad at mindfulness, so mine are daily walks, a hot bath, and an actual book and a cup of tea. They help me reset work brain, so I am not constantly mulling the slings and arrows of the work day.
EDAnon
This works for me because I generally like my job but I remind myself that no job is perfect and even 80% good/20% crappy is pretty good in the scheme of things. The framing helps + leaning out a bit (like someone said above – leaning into outside activities.)
anon
This. Also, I’ve worked in truly awful, toxic workplaces before AND been unemployed after graduate school, so sometimes I just take a quick trip down memory lane for some perspective. 80/20 is pretty good. On top of that, I remind myself that I’m getting paid for a reason–because I add some type of value–and part of that value is dealing with the annoying, frustrating crap that must be muddled through so that the goal can be accomplished. Oh, and vacation. I find that I blow stuff out of proportion and assign it outsized importance especially when it feels unrelenting, but time away helps turn down the noise level.
Anon
I use Senior Attorney’s “cost of admission” analysis. If I’ve tried to change the things I don’t like and they are out of my control, then I have to decide if the job is otherwise good enough to stay with the annoying thing being the cost of admission. Then, when the annoying things happen, I just keep repeating to myself “cost of admission, cost of admission.” I know my boss isn’t going to change, I’m going to stop trying to change him and if it becomes bad enough, I’ll look elsewhere.
Monday
I believe this was originally Dan Savage’s line, about the “price of admission” in a relationship.
Senior Attorney
Yes, Dan Savage!
anon
After having been in a toxic work environment that sent me to therapy I’m now glad to have garden variety unpleasantness. It’s perspective. Things were worse and could be worse so I deal with it and focus on the improvements/good things instead. There are ways to mitigate specific sources of friction as well but without your telling us what they are in your case I can’t tailor my recommendations.
Anon for this
Nap and hydrate.
Basic self care reduces the irritation imho.
Anon
Randomly, why do shirt designers have a top button at my sternum? I know it is summer, but I do not need that kind of ventilation. It’s not only NSFW, it is NSF grocery store, pumping gas, basically anything. A cami is another layer I don’t work where it is unclear with the high humidity if I live on land or in some sort of muggy soup. At any rate, if you give me higher buttons, I have the option of unbuttoning still if I need to.
Note to self: don’t keep cute print mail order items that don’t work even if the fabric is amazing! [This was a height of the pandemic purchase from 2020 where mailing it back seemed to be a bridge too far.] Also: this is why now that you have had your shots and stores are open, it wouldn’t kill you to go in and try on things. It prevents so many bad purchases that happen when the mail order roulette gets to be too much.
Panda Bear
Yeah, I hate that too. Doing the top button feels constrictive, but the next button down is too much without a cami, which I refuse to wear in the summer.
Anon
I struggle to find work shirts that are cut properly for my hourglass figure, and the JLo diving neckline is standard these days. Apparently everyone’s belly buttons are suffocating. It would be nice to find something between “work, but I wear pasties underneath” and “sister-wife convention”.
Swimsuits are the same way. I want to start a clothing company and call it “Moderation”.
Anon
LOLing at “work but with pasties”. Sign me up for your line when it comes out!
Anon for this
+1 for work, with pasties!
anon
Agree! I do not want to wear a cami all the time, especially in the summer. I guess the only good part is that it soaks up my back sweat, but still. After the pandemic, I may be done buying work tops that require a layering piece underneath.
Anonymous
Randomly I found the solution at Walgreens a couple of years ago – it’s basically a cotton(ish) bandeau that covers my cleavage and not much else. I don’t know that it is made anymore–I think it’s called “The Boob Tube”– but if you google cotton bandeau you’ll find some alternatives. I would never wear it without a bra; it has no support, but it stays up on top of my bra.
No Face
I use my old pregnancy belly band like this.
Anon
I bought the “cami secret” when traveling to a hot but conservative country, to make sure I showed no cleavage. It clipped on my bra.
Anon
Hooray! Kids are at full-day day camp and I am in my office being productive!
nuqotw
Hurrah!
anon
Happy dance!!!
Anon
Reposting from Friday night (and thanks to those who responded then). NYS-based’rettes: can anyone recommend hikes in the NYC area that can be reached via public transport? Thanks a lot!
NYCer
I didn’t see the thread last week, so someone may have already recommended this, but Breakneck Ridge and Bull Hill near Cold Spring are both great. There is a Metro North stop in Cold Spring. Bonus, Cold Spring is actually a cute little town, so you can get lunch or an ice cream after your hike.
Anon
I believe there’s a bus from Port Authority to Bear Mountain.
Anonymous
It’s not in the middle of nowhere, but I love the Old Croton Aqueduct. You can access sections from various Metro North stations, and it goes right past some historic homes (like Lindhurst I think, but it might be another one).
Anon
Katterskills Falls is a hidden gem and reachable on Metro North for about 1.5 hour each way.
Anon
https://nymag.com/tags/hiking/ This has some good articles on what you’re looking for–scroll past the gear articles. GL!
Anon
Do you put up an out of office if you’re only going to be out one day? What about a half day? I didn’t in the past, but I feel like things in my office have started moving very quickly and taking a day to respond is too long for some projects. However, it feels a little excessive to put up an OOO for one day (I’ll get back to everyone within 24 hours, my team/bosses know I’m out, and anyone could call/text my personal cell during an emergency, and I’m checking my work phone occasionally when I’m out). I also take a lot of long weekends in the summer, so I feel like it’d look weird to have one up every few weeks.
Anon
IDK — if you really won’t respond, then yes put it up to manage expectations.
I struggle with having to monitor projects we are short-staffed on, but being otherwise on vacation. I can’t put on an OOO for my high-priority projects (so people won’t freak out) but how to filter for “I’m not available today to take on your no-notice tight-deadline project”?
Anon
Could you just give your high priority people a heads up? Like “hey, I’m going to be away but I’m still wrapping up your project. I will have an OOO up but it doesn’t apply to this.”
I’ve also seen them up to specify they are OOO for a particular client matter and will respond to other matters upon their return. I see that for all day depos / mediations. I will often put one up for an all day depo to manage expectations that they won’t be hearing from me for at least a day.
And yes, that meme re: European v. US OOO is so true and sad. I remember having a case with our client’s European office and them regularly just saying “I’m on holiday, be back in two weeks” with little heads up beforehand.
Personally, I think constant availability is another detriment of capitalism. Without worker protections, someone is always willing to do more. Then you look crappy in comparison. It’s happening to me right now. My boss was always happy with my work, turn around time, hours, etc. until a new colleague started that works every weekend and holiday. Now I’m hearing how her hours are so much higher than mine. I have made clear that I never intend to work those hours and if she gets a bigger bonus than me, that is perfectly fine. Yet, I can see the ideas turning in his mind like, hmmmm I could get someone else to work these crazy hours and make even more money…. why do I need to keep Ms. Work Life Balance on. The kicker is I’ve been there over 10 years. Ugh.
Anon
IDK, but people who work in-person shift jobs take being away from work seriously (in part, b/c you can’t intubate someone or cook a hamburger remotely). The downside of having confirmed that you can work from anywhere is that if you’re not in a coma, why can’t you take care of this one thing? I’d give up a lot for a hard stop.
Ribena
As someone in the UK I share the frustration about getting an “I’m back in two weeks” OOO with no warning beforehand from someone I’m in touch with frequently. As I mentioned elsewhere I put future OOO on my email signature, and when I’m on my last day in the office before being out for a week or more I will set up an autoreply that says “This is my last day at work before finishing up for X amount of time away – if your issue needs resolving before I get back please call me so I can prioritise accordingly”
Ribena
I do – sometimes only an internal one but sure. The only time I don’t is if it’s a public holiday when pretty much everyone is out. I also always have a note of when I’m next going to be OOO under my email signature, if it’s within a month or two and over a half-day.
Anonymous
European out of office: “I’m on a two month camping trip with no service. Email me in September.”
American OOO: “I’m away from my desk having surgery for two hours but text me if you need me.”
Marie
Wish this wasn’t both so true and so sad.
Anon
Amen to that
Anon
My boss’s boss once pitched a tantrum about our EU employees always being on vacation. He forgot that they use day-month-year instead of month-day-year, so the OOO auto-reply looked like the guy was going to be out for 5-6 months.
Anonymous
Ha that’s hilarious.
Marie
I do not put one up for less than a day. I am in civil litigation, so no one is living and dying by an e-mail being responded to 24 hours later, which (gasp!) I sometimes take to respond even if I am in the office because I actually want to think about the issue set forth in the e-mail rather than providing a fast-turn-around knee jerk response.
MagicUnicorn
I put up an OOO with just my return date (i.e., I state that I am “traveling until June 22” but I don’t call out that I am only out from 3pm -EOD on June 21 and that the travel is a trip to the dentist). I do this any time I want to manage expectations on response time for non-urgent requests, which I get a significant number of on a regular basis. My close team and those I work with on high-touch projects all know I will check in and respond as needed regardless of the OOO. This is pretty normal for my office, so even if it is multiple days a month this is not something anyone blinks at.
Anon
Not anymore, I have an assistant who monitors my email and will text if anything comes up I need to know. Before I had that, depended on who’s expectations I needed to manage.
CountC
Yes, 100% because if I am out of office on PTO, I don’t answer emails, texts, or phone calls. I do it for half days and full days, even when it’s just one.
CountC
For context, where I work people expect a quick response because FIRES!!!! But even if they didn’t, I don’t see a reason not to if I am OOO then I am OOO and people can do with that what they’d like.
Anon
I don’t typically put one up even for vacation. I’m staff in higher ed. I don’t really have a go-to replacement contact other than my boss and I don’t feel like listing him in an OOO message would be appropriate. That said I check email at least daily on vacation and would handle anything urgent by looping in someone else (this is very rare – there’s basically nothing in my job that can’t wait one week). I would put one up if I were going to be without email access for more than a day or two, but my husband refuses to take vacations that don’t include wifi so it’s not an issue I run into.
Anon
We do at my firm. Something like, “I am out of the office today with intermittent access to email. I’ll respond to you within 24 hours.”
No Face
I only use an OOO if I am not going to really look at my email for most of the day – vacations, etc. If I am just taking the day off, I don’t do anything special.
Anon
I do not, but my work is exclusively long-term projects (usually 3-6 months). If I was customer-facing or had quick turnaround, I would.
Cora
I set my status on Slack as “Away” and put it on my calendar as an OOO event, but don’t necessarily set up an OOO email.
Anon
This is very know your office situation. In mine, if I was totally OOO, like say, having surgery, I’d absolutely put one up. If I were taking a day off for a pile of doctor’s appointments/errands or a travel day for a long weekend, and would be checking in periodically, I wouldn’t. But I pretty much am either checking in while on PTO fairly frequently OR totally out of pocket – not in between, like checking once a day or something.
Anon
Depends on the office. In the before times when I was working in an office most days, and verbally giving people a heads-up if I was going to be out the next day (or following Monday), and anyone who might need me knew who my manager was and who to ask if they couldn’t reach me, an OOO for one day seemed excessive. In the days where everyone is remote and people only sporadically mention absences on Slack, an OOO is helpful for managing expectations.
Anon
I am looking for a hotel with a great outdoor pool in the DC area for a kid-free staycation. Does anyone have any recommendations?
My ideal pool is the Four Seasons Baltimore pool, but I’d like to spend less than $500/night for a room. I just want to sit, and read, and be by myself.
Anonymous
You might look at the Kimpton chain, they have some hotels with roof pools.
Anonymous
I was just researching this! I’m considering the Omni Shoreham. Would love to hear other suggestions though!
anon a mouse
I’d look for a DC hotel with a rooftop pool that doesn’t sell day passes like Viceroy. Or a hotel with a large pool like the Omni. If you want to go further afield, Landsdowne Resort in Leesburg will have children in the pool but there is also a good spa and plenty of space to spread out.
test run
It’s not cheap (looks like you might be able to get a last minute room for $350-ish), but the Sagamore Pendry in Baltimore also has a great pool.
Anon
It’s a cool place.
MJ
You can also see if you can get a pool-only pass at resortpass.com. LATimes did a recent article on this for the best pass-pools in Orange County. Way cheaper than a room!
Anon
I have a birthday (and a few other life changes) coming up and I’ve decided to be way more intentional with my life in this next year. Pandemic + crazy workload means that the last 1.5 years have been a total blur and my pre-pandemic life feels pretty far away. I’m looking to make a career pivot, and hope to spend the next year preparing for that. I have some new-found hobbies, and some hobbies that I had to pause during the pandemic that I can do again and want to dedicate time each week to actually do those things I love (and hopefully find people to do these with! My friends are great, but not many of them share these hobbies). Looking for any resources I can use to kind of focus over the next year on these changes that I am excited to make!
Patricia Gardiner
No advice but it’s awesome and inspirational you’re doing this! Go you!
Anonymous
Can anyone tell me about the city of Bellingham in Washington? We (DINK couple) are considering relocating and I like what I see online, but I’d love perspectives from anyone who lives there. I’m especially interested in learning more about crime and safety – it’s really important to me to be able to live somewhere where there are no “no-go” areas and where I can feel safe exercising alone. We can work remotely. Top priorities are safe, minimal impact from wildfires and smoke, clean, good access to the outdoors (skiing, camping, hiking), nice local restaurants, etc. I would also like for us to be able to rent a house with a yard. Buying a house is not a priority, but might be a nice option one day. Any thoughts or feedback on Bellingham? Is the weather really as bad as some people say? We like rain and cooler temperatures and I have no problem getting outside in the rain, but sunny days are always nice too. How’s the traffic situation, especially getting to Mt Baker?
In-House in Houston
I don’t live there but have to travel there frequently for work (we have a refinery in Ferndale). I love Bellingham. I thin Fair Haven is in Bellingham and it’s such a quaint little area on the water. Sorry I can’t tell you about crime or anything else. But if I could live here, I would in a heartbeat!
Anon
Bellingham is adorable! I’d look at number of sunny days vs inches of rain to decide if the weather is acceptable. The PNW really can be quite gray and dark.
anon
I grew up near there, but my information is nearly a decade old. The climate and the surrounding outdoor areas are as awesome as they look. Roads into the mountains may have some congestion at busy times, by virtue of limited access and small roads, but the outdoor rec opportunities are pretty amazing compared to almost anywhere else I can think of. It’s a college town, and a moderately slacker/party school, so I’m sure there is crime associated with that. The medical care is good enough to be a hub for the whole area. Politically, it’s a very liberal city surrounded by a fairly conservative county–and it’s so, so white and wealthy (that’s my main objection, and why I don’t spend time there anymore).
It will be affected by wildfire smoke. Fires as distant as Alberta and California have made the air quality “hazardous”, and there may likely be closer fires in the Cascades. Sea level rise is also going to drastically affect the infrastructure. But those factors are going to affect any similar city.
anonymous
Gently, I’d reframe your emphasis on “safety” and “crime and safety” issues. These phrases are frequently used as dog whistles for those on the far right (or just the clueless) and read as “no BIPOC”, please.
Anon
Oh, give it a rest. People can look for safe neighborhoods without it having anything to do with skin color.
Anon
11:47 Anon isn’t wrong.
Anon
Except that 2021 has made even fancy places unsafe (e.g., Washington Square Park). Sometimes you can’t even be in fancy neighborhoods you can’t afford to live in and still be safe.
Anon
IDK — I used to go to night school and went by an urban park that was the gem of its neighborhood. Now, it is overrun by addicts and homeless people with obvious mental problems. It would be dangerous to be a homeless woman there. It would also be dangerous for anyone else. Police are overwhelmed with actual crime-y crime, not quality-of-life crime (heroin needles on the sidewalk =/= safety b/c everything had gotten so bad). So, when a woman says she wants to be and feel safe, let her be and feel safe!
Anonymous
Thank you. OP here and I’m coming from a west coast city where I can’t walk alone at night in my neighborhood due to feces, needles, mentally ill and high men, and worse. I don’t and will not apologize for wanting to live somewhere where I can use public spaces safely.
Anon
+100 I’m not sacrificing my safety as a woman on the altar of woke.
Anonymous
I strongly disagree that anyone who is interested in “safety” is racist – do you even know how absurd that sounds? Do you think that BIPOC don’t want to live in safe neighborhoods too?
Anon
Gently – I realize this is a “White Fragility” talking point but it is also ridiculous. Not every concern about safety and crime equals not wanting to be around black and brown people (especially in Bellingham Washington).
One of the reasons I would never live in my home town is the incredibly high crime rate tied to its equally high rate of drug use. And it is smack dab in the middle of the Appalachian mountains with a minuscule non-white population. But I would equally avoid some parts of LA and it is not because I do not want to live near non-whites. It is because those areas are objectively dangerous.
Anonymous
I think it’s actually pretty racist to assume that a safe place doesn’t have BIPOC people living in it – racist and wrong, since many of us live or have lived in very diverse areas that are also very safe. Why aren’t we challenging that assumption?
Yup
Absolutely this (Anon @ 12:36). As a brown person (b/c I have to use that qualifier to gain legitimacy in the eyes of ridiculous people), it is insanely racist to assume unsafe areas are the minority areas and safe areas are the white areas. Just like how some self-professed woke people think that all poor people are minorities.
LaurenB
Is it racist if the statistics for a given place bear it out? Saying that “Neighborhood X has an objectively higher crime rate than Neighborhood Y” is not a racist statement, you know. It’s factual. Racism would be saying “all BIPOC are engaged in crime.”
Seventh Sister
What parts of LA would you avoid? As an Angeleno, there are definitely areas that I don’t go to very often, but most of it is based around difficulty parking or lack of anything interesting. Having lived in “bad” areas of LA, the lack of a local grocery store or a movie theater was a constant irritant, but I was never mugged or otherwise assaulted.
Anon @ 12:36 a.m.
I actively avoid the area east of downtown with the massive homeless encampments. (I had a couple of scary interactions there, not to mention that it is hard to navigate the streets.) Generally I find homeless people to be harmless but that area has a lot of people who really need serious mental health intervention. It might seem worse to me because I drove through several times relatively early in the morning on my way to court and the number of homeless people literally in the middle of the road who were aggressive was genuinely frightening. So basically that area at the intersection of the 110 and 10.
And I would not go to parts of South LA at night or hang out in the Fashion District after dark.
Objectively the crime rates are really high in some other neighborhoods but that is largely tied to gang violence and while getting caught in the cross-fire is certainly possible, nobody is going to mistake a 40 year old white women for a gang member. (I say this because one of the Black men in my office said he has to be much more careful of where he goes.)
Seventh Sister
Yeah, those all make sense to me. I used to live near downtown and even in the early 2000s, I’d pay to park at the Flower Mart instead of attempting to score free parking near Skid Row. The Fashion District feels safer to me than it did 20 years ago, but I still wouldn’t rent a loft there (though I’d probably buy in Little Tokyo if I could).
Anon
This is so frustrating to me. It is reasonable to be concerned about safety. It is eminently human to want to continue being alive, our most basic instinct.
Equating safety concerns with racism is the kind of super woke lefty BS that is driving moderates away from our side. This shit has consequences. And I’m sure you’re sitting in a perfectly safe space while typing your performative comment so give it a rest.
Anonymous
Yup. I’m a moderate D who has just about reached the point where I’m voting Libertarian and for any moderate R I can find at this point. I have a completely visceral despise for the woke and cancel culture.
LaurenB
“Equating safety concerns with racism is the kind of super woke lefty BS that is driving moderates away from our side. This shit has consequences.”
+1000.
Anon
If it’s that easy, you weren’t committed to begin with. Good riddance.
LaurenB
Oh give me a break. There was no dog whistle and she was clearly associating crime with the slacker / party school presence.
anon
I don’t live in Bellingham so can’t speak to any specifics but I do live in western Washington and no I don’t think the weather is horrible. I like the rain, and it’s definitely gloomy in winter but honestly we are getting a lot less of it this year. Spring has been very dry. We used to joke that summer doesn’t start until July 4th but my weather forecast is all sun for the next ten days and today has a high of 95. I have a feeling this is going to be the new normal going forward.
Anon
+ smoke from wildfires as part of the new normal.
Sloan Sabbith
Seattleite here. One thing to be aware of is that Bellingham is pretty much parallel with the North Cascades, and there have been a fair number of fires in that area in the last few years. Smoke from Canada + smoke from N Washington would both hit Bellingham right on if the wind was right. Realistically, though, I don’t know how avoidable that is on the west coast now. Bellingham is a great town.
Anonymous
Thanks everyone, appreciate the responses. Fairhaven already looks super cute so I hope to check it out when I visit!
Kelsey
Not sure if you’re still reading but I live near Seattle and I’ve been to Bellingham and few times and it’s great. It’s so close to the Canadian border and Canada has everything great – diverse cultures, skiing, ethnic cuisine, beautiful parks and hiking, aquarium, etc. There are lots of great places to live in Washington – move out here – you will love it.
Anon
I was catching up on some old posts and wanted to drop in with a PSA re: anxiety. As we all know, a lot of people were more cautious than others during COVID and others are still more cautious after being vaccinated. Some have science based reasons (their medical condition was excluded from the clinical studies, they are immunocompromised, etc.) others are likely still dealing with the anxieties of living through a global pandemic. Once you have created yourself a little bubble, it is much harder for people with social anxieties to re-enter the world.
What I am seeing a lot of and what is very unhelpful is people suggesting that you are more likely to die in a car accident than you are from COVID. Instead of helping people become less anxious about COVID, you are making them more anxious to leave their house because they are now far more aware of how dangerous simple activities like driving to work are.
I’ve seen it in friends and family and I’ve seen it in clients. So many people you care about likely suffer from clinical anxiety. Do not undermine their fears. You do not have to agree with them (say re: the risk of COVID exposure) but you can empathize that yeah, it can be scary to return to things you enjoyed not doing for a long time. Do not make their anxieties worse by saying they are more likely to die in a car accident. Now they are just afraid to go in a car too…
Anonymous
+1 I don’t want to die in a car accident either.
Anonymous
I’m sure you’re right overall, but for me, someone who does have some mild anxiety, it actually helps me to remind myself that there is risk in everything that we do and that I can’t not drive, etc. i’m sure it could be worse for people with more severe anxiety though.
On the car issue specifically, cars truly are really dangerous and I am working on designing my life so I can use them less. It’s not only safer, but much more fun and healthy to bike everywhere possible.
Anonymous
Really? Where do you live? When I see someone biking in intown Atlanta I assume death wish + vanity.
Anon
Exactly. Let’s also add that it’s dependent on weather (no one wants to bike in the rain), having showers at work (LOL), the time to bike, and, more importantly, is incredibly ableist.
Anonymous
How on earth is an individual expressing a preference for biking “incredibly ableist?” In your own life, you don’t actually skip travel, exercise, or preparing meals because some people can’t do those things, right?
Anon
It’s ableist to want to bike more? Seriously?
Anon
So we all need to drive just because there are people who can’t bike? LOL sure.
Anon
The assumptions behind “cars are truly dangerous” is the ableist issue. For many people, they are the safest form of transportation.
Anon
I’m disabled such that I cannot drive. So I don’t really see how bicycles are more ableist than cars?
LaurenB
“Ableist”? LOL. More lefty-woke BS. And I’m liberal and wouldn’t vote for a Republican if you paid me. Every time people start with this, another Trump voter gets his wings.
anon
No. Cars are truly dangerous – for everyone, including people who have no choice but to drive, whether due to disability or otherwise. The fact that many people have no choice but to drive is actually one of the reasons why improving road safety is critical. Car crashes kill a lot of pedestrians and cyclists, but they kill even more drivers, and many of those deaths are caused by preventable factors, including distracted/drunk driving, unsafe road infrastructure, and speeding.
Also, many, many disabled people cannot drive and investing in solutions – like transit and safe, wheelchair-friendly pedestrian infrastructure – is critical for those individuals.
Wheely Anon
No. I’m a wheelchair user and can’t drive but improving cycling infrastructure and more people biking is good for me personally and good for my community, which is also very important to me. I’m quick to call out ablism but this is not it.
Anon
Or maybe it’s high time for our whole society to do something about all the death and disability caused by car accidents?
We could have pedestrian-centric city planning and legislation, walkable neighborhoods, more WFH and less commuting, more public transportation, higher standards for driver’s licenses, safer intersections and traffic laws. People have been studying this for years and have piles of recommendations for what could help.
Anon
I was shocked to read last week that as many people die from falls in a year as die in accidents. The accident death rate is no joke, but I had no idea that falls were so deadly (clearly, I am not a physical therapist — they see the ones who make it, apparently this not a declining line of work to be in). But I am also not sure what to from risks of . . . walking upright, expect to urge my aging parents to stop cleaning the gutters on their 2-story house and maybe consider a ranch house (or apartment with an elevator) for myself as I age.
Anon
Falls are a big deal. There’s a push right now to put more effort into fall treatment and prevention (if you’ve seen certain specialists in the last few years, you’ll have been asked about falls).
There are some things could change medically. The autonomic disorders that contribute to fall risk are still currently underdiagnosed, underresearched, and undertreated, so getting serious about dysautonomia and the risks of low blood pressure (way too many doctors still think low blood pressure is a good thing) would help. And then medications that cause low blood pressure, lightheadedness, or vertigo are a big factor in falls as well. Some of these meds include probably overprescribed anticholinergics that are becoming increasingly controversial as the long term effects are better understood.
Back to the topic of driving–I’m not sure people realize how many commonly prescribed meds come with a “do not operate heavy machinery” warning. Most people who take them drive anyway, because they can “just tell” whether they’re impaired. Maybe that’s true? But I worry some people are driving just because they have to.
Anon
Yes on driving because they have to. One of the states I used to live in had an exception to losing your licesne for DUI that still allowed you to drive to and from work because the state had no public transit and recognized making someone lose all gainful employment for a couple years wasn’t going to help. This how we also end up with the elderly still driving that shouldn’t. They have no other choice.
I also think people are out of practice driving after more than a year at home. There have been 3 fatalities in two weeks on one of the roads I regularly take to work. I’m glad I’m WFH 3 days/week still and I’m trying to commute in less busy hours.
Anon
Trying again without the “bad” word:
Yes on driving because they have to. One of the states I used to live in had an exception to losing your licesne for DUI that still allowed you to drive to and from work because the state had no public tr@nsit and recognized making someone lose all gainful employment for a couple years wasn’t going to help. This is how we also end up with the elderly still driving that shouldn’t. They have no other choice.
I also think people are out of practice driving after more than a year at home. There have been 3 fatalities in two weeks on one of the roads I regularly take to work. I’m glad I’m WFH 3 days/week still and I’m trying to commute in less busy hours.
LaurenB
But isn’t that “city-ist” to assume that everyone lives in an area where public transportation and/or walkable neighborhoods exist? Won’t anybody think of the rural areas?
anon
I think it’s very beneficial to hear about actual risk and to be able to make decisions within that framework. It helps to know which anxieties are reality-based and which really aren’t. Validating irrational anxiety is not helpful; reality is
Anon
I have an anxiety-prone kid and was told to walk through an exercise where we ask “is it possible” and then follow up with talking about “is it likely”? So you don’t need a competing risk to even enter the picture, you just need to talk about what is bothering them in the moment. [Sometimes we get to “and if something happens, what would you / we do next?”, but usually we don’t need to.]
Anon
This. You can have a conversation about actual risk without introducing a new risk. So, talking about how there are only 2 new cases of COVID does a lot more good than saying “you are more likely to die driving there.” I’m not saying pretend COVID risks are still super high.
Also, I’m not sure I’d call anxiety about riding in cars irrational. It was something we all did out of necessity but as someone points out above, maybe we as a society can do better.
Lastly, try to be compassionate that even irrational anxiety can be panic inducing. What the person experiencing it feels doesn’t differ. You can acknowledge that anxiety is hard without saying the anxiety is rational. For me, personally, my irrational anxieties are harder because I know how ridiculous it is but I can’t stop myself from going into a panic attack from something benign, like someone or something being way too loud.
Anonymous
I like this response. It’s compassionate and actionable. I agree that saying “it’s irrational” is meaningless and stigmatizing. A better response would be “I’m sorry that your anxiety has flared up. I wish there was something I could do” or “Let me know if you want to dip a toe in with a walk around the shopping center this weekend, we could do it together” or similar.
Anon
i really like this response and agree that introducing new risks is not necessarily helpful. likely through most of Covid, the risk of dying from certain other things was likely much higher, but that doesn’t mean it was the best idea to walk around maskless in crowded indoor spaces last May. we all take all sorts of risks every day in our every day lives. the calculus of whether the benefit outweighs the risk is going to vary somewhat from person to person depending on their life circumstances and what is important to them. some people also feel that since every day life already incurs many risks and so many things in life can happen outside of their control, might as well do what they can to minimize certain risks. i am still not comfortable unmasked in indoor crowded spaces. especially bc i am about to go on my first vacation in 1.5 years and have no interest in getting a cold or something else before i go. i also don’t find wearing a mask at the grocery store to be such a huge inconvenience. it’s not like i’m still sitting at home not doing anything, but there is a wide range between feeling comfortable at an indoor fully packed sporting event or concert (which at least for me are not things i really ever loved) and feeling comfortable at an outdoor concert in the park.
Ribena
I’m also quite risk-averse and I do a mental risk-benefit analysis on risky things. Cycling around town is relatively high risk but also relatively high benefit, so I still do it. Leaving a candle burning in a room I’m not in is also quite high risk but has almost zero benefit, so I don’t do it (that latter one is a source of regular debate with my family, who like to leave a candle burning in the bathroom when they have guests!)
Anon
+1
anon
It helps me normalize risk as well. I decided to send my son to in-person school because (a) he really needed to be there, and it was available and (b) I realized I was always willing to accept the risk of a car accident on the way to school, which was objectively a much larger risk.
I also realize it doesn’t work the same way for everyone. I have a relative who was experiencing a lot of anxiety about returning to normal. At one point I read that a vaccinated person is more likely to die from a lightning strike or plane crash (I don’t know if that’s actually true), and I realized this same relative has anxiety around lightning and on planes–and also on elevators and half a dozen other situations. Obviously, it’s not the best idea to try to talk her out of anxiety by comparing it to other things people do everyday, especially since she does her best to avoid those things and takes Xanax if she has to confront them.
Anon
I am one of those people who calms down when she understands relative risk. This is because it is objective and comparable to something in everyday life. What triggers my anxiety is risk being presented as a deeply emotional, and therefore controlling, enterprise.
When I was pregnant, the fear-mongering and toxic positivity were pretty epic. People actually told me that I had a higher likelihood of miscarrying because I was drinking coffee than I did just based on my age alone (almost 40). They straight-up told me that I wasn’t at ANY higher chance of infertility, genetic conditions, miscarriage, stillbirth, or maternal mortality based on being 38/39 than at age 25; however, they thought my ONE cup of coffee in the morning was going to kill my kid. Numbers, man. Throw out the numbers and ask what their problem is and why they can’t understand the science.
The same thing is happening with COVID, except that we’re making massive social, economic, and political decisions based on emotions and equating a new risk with a high risk.
Seventh Sister
I got the same flack about coffee when I had my first in 2008. My doctor (the one who had to pay malpractice premiums) was like, “eh, don’t have more than three cups in the morning,” while my paralegal was so freaked out at my one cup of morning coffee that he switched it to decaf without telling me. And no one could point me to a study that said a moderate amount of coffee was bad for you. There was also a bunch of food folklore without rhyme or reason.
No Problem
I’m not going to undermine anyone’s fears, but I’m not going to indulge someone’s irrational anxiety either.
Rational anxiety: you have a medical condition that still leaves you vulnerable to covid despite the vaccine. Ok, I’ll do whatever I can to help you feel safe and be safe, including assuring you that I have been fully vaccinated and am willing to wear a mask when indoors with you despite the risk of me being a carrier being extremely low due to being vaccinated and being in an area with virtually zero transmission.
Irrational anxiety: you and literally everyone you know has received both shots of the vaccine and no one you know has a medical condition that would leave them still vulnerable. You also live in a place where transmission is virtually zero. You continue to avoid all social encounters and remain locked in your home, and when you do venture outside to see your friends you are convinced that your headache and sneezing twice the next day are a sure sign you have covid and must warn everyone you saw that you likely infected them. Sorry, no, I’m going to tell you that you are being irrational. Go see a therapist, go get some anxiety medication. Anxiety is a treatable medical condition (says someone who has been there).
Deqqer
+1
Also, oftentimes framing and providing a different perspective can help when considering potentially anxious situations. Avoiding all things only causes more of an anxiety spiral, no? Isn’t that what exposure therapy is all about (and no, I’m not arguing that people who are afraid of COVID should expose themselves to the virus).
Anon
People who focus only on the death rate from COVID are missing the big picture. There are a lot of long term effects of a major covid infection that we are only just scratching the surface of.
That said, people who are vaccinated are extremelt safe personally. I understand that they may be wanting to protect those they are around who can’t be immunized like young children or the immunocompromised, but for the vast majority of immunized people
1) you are not likely to contract the virus
2) if you do it is extremely likely to be so mild it’s asymptomatic
3) the viral load of a mild infection like this is so low you’re extremely unlikely to be able to spread it
That’s how vaccines work and why we actually could achieve herd immunity if everyone would just get it. But since they won’t, there’s some comfort in knowing the buck stops with us, the vaccinated.
Anonymous
If someone has that level of neurosis that is not my problem. I an not going to agree with an outlandish fear.
Anonymous
Does anyone have any thoughts on iPad Pro vs Air? I’m a lawyer, not in graphic design or anything, so I’m thinking an Air would suffice, right? I mainly want it to use markup documents and to use as a second monitor (I like to VPN from bed on my personal laptop rather than use my dual monitors and firm computer – terrible WFH habit, I know).
Would also love to hear how people like to use their iPad for work or just in general. Give me more reasons to buy one, please! O:)
Anon
I have a pro that I use as my travel “computer” – it’s basically a glorified iPhone, but I have a keyboard and can light edit things if I need to. Personally, I use a mini for web browsing and find the pro/bigger iPads way too cumbersome for that. I’d never replace my computer with either, but the pro is a great tool for the road.
Anon
Love my pro. I have the smaller of the two models. I’m in transactional-based work (not law), with a moderate amoutn of ‘in the field’ time required. It’s the perfect size for notetaking and using the keyboard case when responding to emails and doing some mild word processing on the road. Not sure why I picked pro vs air but I’m very happy with what I have. I bought goodnotes and use it all the time for notetaking and editing files my associates send me.
Anon
I have a mini that I love for reading and web browsing (I use it instead of an e-reader). My husband has a Pro with a keyboard that he actually manages to do some work on (emails, note taking, the kind of things you’re talking about), but it’s gigantic and pretty much impossible to hold- he has to set it on his lap or on a table. I can’t stand not having a mouse when I’m doing actual work so I need a real laptop for that; for everything else, my mini is much easier to handle.
Sloan Sabbith
During normal times I used my iPad 3x as much as my laptop. I had a 2013 MacBook until last year because I just didn’t need a newer computer. iPad does almost everything I need. I have the 2018 iPad Pro and am thinking about upgrading to the new one before I go back to work.
Anon
Question for the other city dwellers: for those of you who love active/outdoors activities, how do you fit them in mid week? On weekend, I spend a lot of time going to the beach or hiking. I’m not really one for sitting on the couch, so pre-pandemic I had plans most nights, but often times it was happy hour (which I enjoy! but not every night) so am looking for alternatives that I can do with friends and also solo.
I live downtown in a big city and am lucky that I have a car but parking after 5pm or so is so rough in my area, I try not to move it after that (I would love a parking space but they’re prohibitively expensive). I’m mostly in the office with 1-2 days a week of WFH with a somewhat flexible schedule. I play in a field hockey league one night a week, and my hobbies run the gamut (hiking/biking/running/any and all racquet sports/most water activities) and Im always down to try a new hobby too!
Looking for inspiration of how to fit in things I enjoy, suggestions for new things to try, and suggestions of how to make friends who I can do these activities with!
Anonymous
I love whenever this topic comes up because it’s something I’m always working on too. The best things that I’ve found so far are to do chores on one weeknight, never on the weekend, and if you have an opportunity for something, just do it. I used to be much more prone to saying something “wouldn’t be worth it,” especially if there was a long drive or a short window of time involved, but once you change your mindset to “it’s always worth it,“ you will have so many more adventures. Just 15 minutes is enough time to paddleboard one way across a small lake. It’s enough time for a local bike ride or a short hike through a nature area. It’s enough time for two downhill ski runs. I’ve had people tell me that a long weekend in Europe (taking advantage of a crazy deal on flights) “isn’t worth it because it’s too short,” but you can see 10 tourist sites and eat six amazing meals in just two days. You’re telling me that’s not worth it, that a Netflix day would be better?
I also remember Laura Vander cam‘s advice about the anticipating self, present self, and remembering self. Always work with your anticipating and remembering self in mind. Put that outdoor adventure on the calendar for Friday, look forward to it all week, and then when you get home late on Friday night, be glad you went and didn’t sit on the couch instead.
Finally, reduce your screen time. This one is hard for me but the less I use it the less I want to use it.
Anon
These are great suggestions, thank you!!
Anonymous
You’re welcome! Sorry for all the dictation typos, yikes.
Cora
I like this idea of even a 15 minute trip being worth it. I think it definitely it, it really livens up the day. In general I try to make lists of stores or cafes I want to check out, put exhibits on my calendar, etc so that its easy to figure out a thing to do. I do go out to dinners or happy hours with friends, but as OP said you can’t do that every day.
MechanicalKeyboard
I really like this reframing!
Anonymous
Climbing wall?
Anon
Thanks for the suggestion! Will definitely check it out next week (healing an ankle injury from tennis this week!)
Anonymous
Does your city have a sailing club?
Anon
Unfortunately no! There’s rowing but no other water sports nearby. I thought about taking up rowing again a few years ago (I coxed in high school and college) so maybe I’ll look into that again!
Ultimately didn’t because of cost and how much I hated it when I stopped
AFT
Do you need capital-O-outdoors (camping, hiking, etc.) or would a walk through the park give you a mini-fix during the week?
I started doing outdoor fitness classes during the pandemic, and stuck with it as much as I could, and now go to two different formats of classes in parks during the summer. I’m surprised how much being outside for an hour – even when it’s under a picnic pavilion or other shelter – helps my mood. Currently I go to classes before work ~3 times a week and at least 1x per weekend.
Anon
I’d prefer more outdoors than just being in a park. I take daily walks through the park and do happy hours in the park often enough that it doesn’t feel really outdoors to me.
anon a mouse
In terms of parking, are there garages near you where you could plan to park overnight? Something like SpotHero that could find you a cheap spot to reserve to at least remove that logistical question from your list.
When I was active in kayaking, I arranged with my boss to come in 90 minutes early one day a week so I could leave 90 minutes early that day. I was out the door by 3:30 and on the water by 4, home by 8 or so happy and exhausted.
Summer clubs – do any of them have a tennis ladder, water polo, masters swimming? Are there indoor/outdoor climbing clubs near you? Yoga in the park? Scuba training indoors that you could build up to a great dive trip? Can you take a train or a bus to a hiking spot?
If you want to post where you are, people might have other suggestions.
Anon
I’m lucky that my job is flexible – we can set our hours as long as we’re in the office for core hours. I can work 7-3 and then go have fun after work or I can do something in the AM and work 9-5!
I’ll look into cheaper overnight parking for a night here or there. Great idea!
Anonymous
I don’t know how your city is, but I really like to see the botanical gardens or a park with amazing and varied flowers and trees regularly throughout the seasons, to feel connected to the changes that will make me smile, like seeing the magnolias in full bloom early spring, or full fall foliage.
BeenThatGuy
I’m not a fan of this dress. Maybe it’s because they styled it with the model carrying her tampon case as she rushes off to the bathroom. (It’s entirely possible I woke up on the wrong side of the bed!)
Anon
lol now I can’t unsee that
anon for this
Uh oh I have a very similar clutch and now I’m wondering whether to keep it
Anon
I am employed full time, but looking for a new job. What is a reasonable number of job applications to aim to submit each week? I’m averaging about one application per week by the time I tailor my resume and cover letter, in addition to completing extra steps like polishing a relevant writing sample. I feel like I should be doing more, and am wondering what is typical for others.
Anon
Anytime I’m job hunting I generally aim for one a week so I think that seems reasonable. Plus it depends on the type of job you’re applying to – if it’s like a niche job in a particular market then there may not be a huge amount of jobs to apply to!
Anon2
I am in a position where I am totally over my job (and my boss), but it’s tolerable until I find something new. I only apply to jobs that meet a set list of criteria I have written down. I don’t aim for a target number.
CHL
I think the step you’re missing is networking. Applications are great but I think you probably need to add in something like invite 2 people for virtual coffee per week to catch up, informational interview, etc.
Anon
This. I’ve always gotten jobs through an in at the company, a cold application only takes you so far. Quality over quantity.
Anon
Yep, this. Unless you’re applying only to government roles (although even then, having a contact helps), I’ve found that cold applications go almost nowhere. It’s super demoralizing but I’ve started to focus on networking more than just blanket applying to places without a referral.
Anonymous
I don’t think it’s a set number so much as identifying opportunities that seem like they could be a good fit. It also depends on what your current work situation is like and how badly you want to leave. You need to balance quantity of applications versus perceived quality of the gig. Early in my career, there were a lot more opportunities because I wasn’t as specialized. I also didn’t have as much concern over walking away from a strong benefit structure or low travel requirement because I was relatively healthy and didn’t have many demands on my personal time. These days, it is going to be harder to get me to leave simply because there are fewer senior opportunities and my checklist of “whaat’s good enough to make me leave” is narrowing (no, I’m not willing to give up some pay/have a longer commute for more experience, etc., etc.) Where I might have applied to half a dozen things in a week when I was younger, I’d say there may be one (or even zero) in a week that would be a good fit for my standards now. I also think there is a lot of variability by location. I’m near a big city, and that alone opens up many more opportunities than if I were somewhere else. There is no one “right” number of applications.
pugsnbourbon
With my last job search – I had a few cover letter templates and two versions of my resume that I could use to apply to different types of jobs. After a month I could send out 2-4 applications a week because I had the process pretty streamlined.
Anonymous
I just accepted a job offer for what seems like my dream job after over 2 years of job searching, coming in as the runner-up for great opportunities, having a miserable uncertain-feeling time at my current job.
I want to revel in it, but so far all I can feel is (hopefully entirely irrational) fear that I’m not going to pass the background check or that my references will say something that torpedos me, as those are the last two hoops before I give notice. I guess I just have to bite my nails until that all passes…but intellectually I know the light is at the end of the tunnel after a very difficult, demoralizing 2.5 years at work.
Mrs. Jones
Congratulations! It’s going to be great!
Anonymous
Thank you! <3
Senior Attorney
You got this! Congratulations!
anon
You’re not alone! I have that type of fear all the time regarding everything. Congrats on the new job!
Curious
I didn’t believe I had gotten my current job until 2 paychecks in, and I refused to do anything other than bank my first year bonus because I was so sure I’d fail and have to give it back. It’s totally normal to feel this way when you are leaving a work situation where you’re undervalued. But six years later I’m still here and have been promoted. I’m sure you’ll rock it too!
Horse Crazy is back with wedding stuff
Help! People keep inviting themselves to my wedding and I don’t know what to do. In the last 2 weeks, 4 people have basically invited themselves. It’s happened the same way both times – I’m chatting with someone I haven’t seen in a while, it comes up that I’m getting married, and they say something like, “sure hope I’m on the guest list!” or “oh, well we’ll be there!” without me prompting or asking. We weren’t planning on inviting any of these people – we have huge families and need to really limit our guest counts. I’ve just mumbled something or laughed, but I don’t know what to do. We won’t be sending save the date cards for a couple of months. I just feel bad, especially because two of the people are our landlords, who have been nothing but wonderful to us, but we still weren’t planning on inviting them. HALP.
Anon
Just say something like “oh it’s going to be a tiny family affair” and smile/laugh. No one really expects an invite (although these comments are a bit baffling).
AnonATL
+1 we had an actual small wedding with less than 50 guests and some of my parents friends tried to invite themselves and I just told them we were keeping the guest list very small because of limits at the venue. Only slightly stretched the truth.
Veronica Mars
They’re not inviting themselves; they’re asking for an invitation which is different. I’d just pick a standard line like, “So glad you’re so excited for us” or something non-committal and don’t worry about it. For privacy reasons (just in general) don’t post the date/time on your wedding website. They’ll get the hint.
No Face
Please put your date/time on your wedding website! The actual guests should have access to information about the wedding. But I agree with saying something non-committal.
Cat
Invited guests get this information in the save the date or invitation.
Anon
Yeah and it would be nice to let them pull up the parking instructions or the correct directions that are different from what google will tell you as you’re driving to the destination or whatever.
No Face
I’ve lost wedding invitations before or forgotten to pack them when I travel for weddings. Unless you’re concerned about a stalker or violent uninvited person, I would include the wedding info on the wedding website.
Veronica Mars
Hard disagree. If you want to do that, password protect your website and give the guests the password on the invitation. You can put the venue info on there, along with directions, hotels to stay at, etc without saying we’re getting married on X date and Y time. Do none of y’all have unstable exs, weird relatives or other people that might show up and crash the wedding? There’s zero reason to put your event at risk when you can omit that information only provide it on the invitation/to invited guests only.
Anonymous
No. I have none of those. I c.an’t imagine password protecting my wedding announcement. I have never heard of such a thing. Of course, I would only ever elope.
Anon
I built my own wedding website from scratch, with a private domain (owner not listed), and a domain name that did not include any version of our names or “wedding.” Most of our guests were travelling in from out of town, and it was important to me that the date of my wedding not be out there on the internet.
Note that if you have a wedding registry, **even if you mark it private**, RegistryFinder will find it, index it, and make it come up easily in google search results. Not putting the date on your website doesn’t save you if your registry is out there to be found on the internet. They will remove it from their website and google upon (rather angry) request.
A
Just laugh it off. That’s their way of saying “congratulations “. Save them some wedding cake.
And stop telling people you’re getting married if you want to keep it small!
Curious
Oh I don’t think so! It’s okay to tell people you’re getting married! They shouldn’t invite themselves :).
Anon
It’s ridiculous not to tell people your big news.
Anonymous
Omg chill this is just conversational. They aren’t invited, don’t send an invite, dont worry about.
anon
+1 This is people thinking they are being funny. You do not have to do anything.
Anon
I had this happen a lot. It’s cultural – some people assume that weddings are all-comers, cake and punch affairs. Alternately, they assume that if you’re splurging on a real meal, you have no problem going all in for a 250 person wedding with a sit-down meal.
“We’re keeping it small” will dissuade most people. It will not dissuade everyone and that’s just because people get rude with weddings and then make the bride into the bad guy for not accommodating their rudeness.
Anon
This happened to me too when I got married nearly a decade ago and I remember feeling shocked by it. I had to also find a way to address people WRITING IN THEIR OWN additional guests on their response cards who were not invited or writing in a random food choice that was not an option (this was not a dietary issue-think someone writing in a different preparation of chicken than chicken marsala). This only happened with a few people who were ultimately gracious when I told them that due to the venue, we were only able to invite a certain amount of people and could not accommodate their write-in candidate. One person told me she refused to come if she couldn’t also bring X random person I had never met and I told her that if that was the case, we would certainly miss her. She didn’t attend and I can’t say that we really did miss her all that much after her tantrum and rude comments.
Senior Attorney
OMG it’s been five years and I’m still mad: We invited somebody and her husband, and they returned the response card and put FIVE on “number attending!” My sweet husband convinced me to accommodate them, and then NONE OF THEM showed up, which meant we had a table for 8 with three lonely people sitting at it. Grrr…
Anonymous
We had a kid-free wedding and my husband’s cousin brought her 6 uninvited children. She didn’t even RSVP for them, she just mentioned it to her mother (my MIL’s sister) who told MIL, who told us. They showed up though and at least the kid’s meals were super cheap. But some of the other guests who had been told they couldn’t bring children were understandably annoyed.
Senior Attorney
Haha, yeah. We didn’t invite any kids and ended up with, like, 6-8 kids and babies, only about half of whom we were prepared for. Never a dull moment, right?
Anon
We did kid-free with secret kid invitations for family only. It was purely to keep my nightmare boss from bringing his 5 kids who were “free range parented” (i.e., acted like wild animals at all times, including biting and scratching people regularly).
It would have been easier to avoid inviting work people, but I got the job through a close family connection, so it was very political.
Anon
That happened at my friend’s wedding. One of her guests had RSVP’d for herself and her husband, the day of the wedding her husband was under the weather so she literally said “bride won’t mind” and brought her first grader as her plus one.
Other people with kids were like “hey what’s the deal, I had to find a babysitter etc” and here’s this kid.
Then another distant cousin of the bride’s showed up midway though the reception with two kids, none of the family was dressed for a wedding (jeans, football jerseys) and their kids played with the first grader. Including taking to the dance floor during the First Dance. It was SO ANNOYING and
I’m a mom who loves kids (and my kids were back at the hotel enjoying room service with a babysitter.) people can be absolute shit heads about their kids.
News flash, it doesn’t matter that you think your kids are adorable. It doesn’t matter that you think “weddings are about family.” If you feel that way, great, make your own wedding kid friendly. But you don’t get to impose that on someone else.
LaurenB
The problem is that people are putting “___ people will attend” on a response card, which gives someone the option of writing in 6 when you only invited 2, and then how do you confront them? The better way is to calligraphy or write in the names on the response cards with “will __ will not __ attend” printed. In the olden days, it was “Mr. and Mrs. John Smith will __ will not __ attend.” Today, of course, you’d do “John and Mary Smith will __ will not __ attend” or “John Smith and Mary Jones will __ will not ___ attend.” I hate seeing the “____ people will attend” on response cards because I just know there are boors who are going to fill in more people than who were invited!
Dorothea
It’s fine. Just say you’re keeping it small and move on. No one is going to try to crash your wedding unless you’re a celebrity.
In some cultures it’s kind of weird to tell people about your wedding if they are not invited.
Anon
I think it’s way weirder to not mention you’re getting married if somebody asks you what’s new in your life.
Anon
+1
LaurenB
“I’ve just mumbled something or laughed, but I don’t know what to do.”
You continue to not invite them, just as you planned. What else is there to do? You weren’t seriously suggesting that you should capitulate and invite them, were you?
anon
I am having the middle management blues. Honestly, it feels like all I do is play whack-a-mole with various problems of the day. It is very unfulfilling at times. That’s not why I got into this field! There are no real perks compared to being an individual contributor. Why am I even doing this? Whatever changes I’m able to make, whatever forward momentum I can capture is so fleeting that it’s hard to ever feel successful. To be clear, the team I supervise is great. They’re talented, hard-working, genuinely good people. It’s just the constant troubleshooting for Bizarre Problem or Request of the Day that gets me down. I’m in higher ed, so most of these problems aren’t really owned by anyone and are also a bureaucratic headache to resolve. And, if I’m being really honest, I don’t feel particularly appreciated or supported by my extremely hands-off boss. I guess that’s a compliment that she trusts my work, but it does not help my feelings about my job.
Can anyone relate, and if so, how did you pull yourself out of the slump? I don’t necessarily want to leave (and where would I even go?) but I would like to feel better about what I’m doing.
Anon
I know people who got into management, realized it wasn’t for them, and then went back to individual contributor roles. Management is a different skillset from whatever your subject matter expertise is. You don’t have to stay a manager. Too many people think that if Mary is a good designer, she’ll be a good design manager.
Walnut
Unfortunately, I think a big part of being middle management is playing the whack-a-mole game. People escalate to you when the problem doesn’t fit the standard process. I could probably discuss strategies for hours (post a burner email if you’d like!), but for the short version, quantify the impact of each problem that gets escalated to you. In a perfect world, you have a great set of department tenants that will help you decide the order things get triaged. Not every problem has equal value or needs to be resolved ASAP.
If you end up as the “landing spot” for a lot of really weird problems because of your particular intersection of technical expertise, authority to resolve, hierarchical structure, etc, then do you have a business case for bringing in additional resources for this triaging? If that’s not your situation, then you may need to invest time and relationship building in finding a more appropriate home for some of the problems, so you can pass them along to someone who can more effectively triage as a result of their technical expertise.
Do you ask the same set of questions with every problem that comes in before you take addition action? If so, consider spending time on an intake process to make that data gathering step easier. This doesn’t have to be a big deal, maybe you just have a standard set of questions you can copy and paste easily in your email response.
Another way to frame this in your mind is, are you helping the rest of your team do their jobs better as a result of you taking on this triage work rather than passing it down? When you think about your staff, how they want to grow, and the type of work they like to do, would any of them be good candidates for also doing this triaging work? If so, start investing effort in sharing the work load.
Anon
I don’t know that I have much advice, but I’m in this boat a lot. In my uni, my boss and I end up tackling a lot of issues that aren’t even in our area, but we answer our phones, emails and we give a damn… Sometimes that can be hard to find in higher ed. On the bright side, we are known as problem solvers. That makes a lot of people happy and feels good when we get a solution that works well. Unfortunately, sometimes we also unearth processes that absolutely should not be happening and end up ruffling feathers.
Curious
It’s Monday. I helped my partner with a long computer based task yesterday. I feel like I already did a week of work AND had too much to drink last night. Bleghhhhhhhh.
The end.
anon
Have any of you who grew up in bad situations found a way to heal completely as adults? Or is it a constant, never ending process? I’ve had years of therapy and am leaps and bounds better than I have every been before, but I feel like at this point, I should be not reacting out of fear anymore. My life right now is very healthy, stable, financially comfortable, and has been for years. I am truly okay. I’m more than okay. I’m incredibly fortunate beyond my wildest dreams.
I’m sick of therapy, sick of talking about it, sick of self help books, sick of thinking about it. Have any of you gotten better or am I delusional? What did you do? Was it just a decision? Like “I’m not going to think about this anymore” or something?
Anon
EMDR helped me recover from a traumatic experience. I would highly recommend.
pugsnbourbon
+1. I just started EMDR after years of just-okay results with CBT. I don’t know how but it’s working. I’m going to encourage my wife to try it as well.
Anon
Could you try hypnosis? No idea if it is helpful for your situation but it has helped me to deal with some irrational fears and compulsive behaviors.
BeenThatGuy
After years and years of traditional therapy, similar to hypnosis, I had a session with a spiritual healer. I went in with zero expectations but was open to anything after feeling worn out from talk therapy. She put me in a light hypnotic state and helped me go back to the first time I felt unloved as a child. I could pinpoint the moment and she helped me recreate the memory to be a more positive one. I sobbed for hours after and have never felt more free.
Curious
Ugh that sounds so frustrating, and I’m sorry for the history you carry.
Anecdata of one: I had an objectively decent childhood but have had remarkable success twice in ending depressive episodes with that sort of exasperated “I’m not thinking that way anymore” pattern. I can’t always access that pattern ( and meds are better than mantras for me), but it sounds worth a try.
anonymous
I feel like you do sometimes. I don’t really buy into the concept of complete “healing,” as I strongly reject the ideas that I am broken or wounded, and that there is some defined state of being that will mean I am no longer broken/wounded or experiencing its sequelae. For me, it’s been a constant process but it how much of my life and mental space, and what I’m focusing on ebbs and flows. “Reacting out of fear” has been a huge issue for me and some things that have made a huge difference other than cognitive behavioral therapy have been meds (specifically, getting ADHD medicated) and yoga. I was diagnosed with ADHD late in life and for me, this was a huge missing piece re: the source of my anxiety/depression. My therapist and I discuss the connection between the body’s physical response to fear and how those patterns get deeply ingrained. Yoga really does help regulate my nervous system unlike anything else.
Usually when I feel stuck and like I’m spinning my wheels, ruminating on all of my “issues” and treating myself like an improvement project, I need to change something up to shift my focus and give myself a sense that my external word has changed. This has taken different shapes — for example, picking up a new regular hobby that I have to sign up for to be accountable, starting to date again, getting a dog. Sometimes it’s hard to see how much progress you’ve made if you doing the same old things. I spent 5 years wanting a dog but was stuck ruminating about how my schedule was a mess and work was too demanding and I’d never be able to take care of a dog and overanalyzing it and thinking about what it meant for my whole life if I was going to work this much and how would I ever be able to have a kid or set boundaries why can everyone else manage a dog but I can’t blah blah blah… and then I assessed it rationally, got a dog, turns out that it’s just fine, I can do this, and holy god she’s amazing and my life has improved so much with her in it. I can now see myself as more capable of creating the life I want.
Anon for This
OK – this is likely to be controversial in this “therapy for everything” board but here is my experience.
I did it all: group therapy, individual therapy, different kinds of therapy. And none of them did a darn bit of good. In fact the group therapy was actively harmful for me (and I emphasize the “for me” part) because it felt like it was just a group of women sitting around and endlessly focusing on their trauma and letting it define them. And then one day I woke and and literally said out lout to an empty room that he was not getting more of my life and I was done. And that just refusing to think about it was better than the endless, repeated dwelling. And (again for me) that worked. So yes – it can happen.
One caveat, I did not actively engage in self-harming behaviors even when things were bad.
Deedee
I’m so sorry to hear you say this. I had a years-long relationship with a great therapist to work through FOO abuse issues and a traumatic series of events in late childhood/teendom. She and a lot of self-help books helped significantly helped me cognitively reframe things. However, I still experienced myself as being emotionally raw and sensitive, often in pain, and with an enduring sense of low self worth.
Two things helped me:
1. Backing off talking about major life issues in therapy. Over time, talking about more normal issues with my therapist really helped. Reflecting back, I definitely chose a therapist who had certain parental characteristics and I think I was benefitting from transference. I have no idea if that is weird or not, but soaking up the attention and care in my everyday life from this person who reminded me of my family really helped emotionally heal me.
2. M D M A helped me get over some of the specific traumas. I was in college when I did this ~4 or 5 times in a chill house party type atmosphere. It was the only way I could open up to my spouse about particular incidents and those experiences completely transformed my relationship with my past self. (As an example, from the first time I did it, I never again got upset, cried, or felt out of control about my childhood while drunk. I bet the experience of drunk crying to a friend about your FOO is familiar to many young adults, but that completely stopped for me.) I don’t know how to recreate any element of this as an adult, but it completely changed my relationship with myself and got rid of that inner pain and sense of worthless.
Simsi
Has anyone used a good moving company for cross-country moves? I’m in the market for a Georgia to Colorado move and am trying to find a reputable company that (hopefully) won’t cost an arm and leg. TIA!
Anon
The big moving companies – Atlas, Mayflower, United, etc – are all franchises, so your best bet is check to local reviews for the local office you’d be hiring.
BB
I would look at highly rated local movers in your home area and see if they do cross-country moves. This is what I did for a Boston to Midwest move. We hired a good Boston company and they packed and drove our stuff out. A lot of these smaller companies will also be more likely to keep your things on one truck + with one set of drivers the whole move, instead of larger companies that may pass it off between subsidiaries.
anon
DO NOT USE ATLAS. We are 10 days past our delivery date and our stuff is still sitting in the warehouse in the starting city. Apparently they can’t find a driver, but they didn’t indicate ahead of time that this would be a problem. The direct move companies (versus ones like Atlas which coordinates the move but hires contractors for each piece of the move) are much more expensive, but we are now sitting in our empty house with no guarantee of when we’ll receive our stuff (and no guarantee for reimbursement of stuff we had to buy like sheets, cheap mattresses, dishes, work clothes).
Anonymous
As a counterpoint, we had a great experience with Atlas for a California to Midwest move. No damage, stuff showed up on time, easy to communicate with. As another poster said, you deal with the local contractor more than the national company, so check reviews for the local office. Ours was Ace out of San Jose, CA.
Anonymous
And at least when we moved a few years ago, you couldn’t use a local company for a cross-country move. The local places only deal with moves within a certain radius like 250 miles. A local company that operates out of California isn’t going to be willing to take your stuff to Ohio because then they’ll have to get the truck back from Ohio at their own expense. We used Atlas not because it was cheaper but because a national company was the only way to do it.
anon
My employer paid for my cross country move last year. They used United and included packing/unpacking services, but when I received my stuff it was on a Mayflower truck, so maybe the companies partner with one another. I received everything in perfect condition, but I don’t have a lot of stuff to begin with. No furniture or big appliances. I think they charged my employer almost 5k.
Anonymous
I moved DC to Arizona, then Arizona to DC a year later, and both times I used UBoxes; one box heading west, two boxes heading east because I bought more furniture in Arizona. I was very satisfied with the service (although you do have to pack and unpack your own boxes)–on each end I read reviews for local moving companies on MovingHelp and selected a company to drive their truck to the UHaul location, pick up the box, drive to to my apartment, load or unload it, then return the box to UHaul. It was $1800 for one box, about $3000 for 2 for the cross-country move, plus about $150-$300 for each of the four sets of movers. The only caveat is that some extra long couches might not fit in the boxes, they’re 8 feet long. But it’s really nice for when you have a gap between apartments, you can store the boxes in a UHaul warehouse for like $100/month while you’re traveling or looking for a place. None of my stuff got damaged in the moves.
Anonymous
We moved from CT to CO in April. We interviewed three movers, Mayflower, United, and Arpin. Arpin was 30% more expensive, while Mayflower and United were a few hundred apart. We went with Mayflower, but the actual move was done by United, turns out they are both owned by the same company. We had the same driver from CT to CO, they did change trucks but that was because my CT neighborhood doesn’t allow full size moving trucks. The driver at our house in CT supervised the loading of the “shuttle van,” the reloading on the huge tractor trailer, and then drove it across country. We were very happy with Mayflower / United, it was 10,000 pounds and cost $11,500. We had a small surcharge because we had to change the date at the last minute.
anon
Has anyone used Frame bridge? I am on a home re-do kick and would like new wall decor and I dont know much about frames. What is the difference between frame bridge and target frames? The don’t appear to be custom.
Anon
I have. Framebridge is custom and much higher quality than target.
Anonymous
I’ve also used framebrisge. Only good experiences, frames and beautiful and look custom/expensive! Try to use a code if you can!
Cat
I’ve used Framebridge. While it doesn’t look as expensive as the anti-glare framing I had done locally, it is definitely more professional/nice looking than Target, especially if your piece is a size that isn’t proportional to the stock frame selections. Shipping was easy and fast.
pugsnbourbon
I’ve done Framebridge, local shops, and DIY. You’ll get absolutely top-tier results with local shops, but it’s $$$. Framebridge is good if you have odd-sized items. For DIY, I ordered mats and frames from matboardandmore dot com and got good-enough-for-me results.
Anon
If you were on Ambien to help get to sleep, how long should you expect to stay on it? Concerned b/c I don’t want to be on something daily / permanently. I’m particularly concerned that as a single parent who camps with my kids, if something happens overnight, I am probably legally not going to be able to drive and may not be lucid (etc.). Also sort of concerned re what I’ve read re Ambien eating and the last thing I need is to have any more weight gain due to being prediabetic already.
Anon
When my husband was prescribed it, it was to reset his circadian rhythms. He was on it less than a month. But yes, he was not someone who could respond to an emergency during that time. He also had to stop taking it because he was getting up in the middle of the night and shopping online and not remembering it the next day. And that is how we got a foosball table in our basement.
Anon
I think I drove my car. I’m not sure whether it was a vivid dream or reality but that’s pretty scary. That was when I knew I couldn’t use it anymore.
Anon
I had a friend who was prescribed it for three months; similar to Anon 10:55’s husband, the intent was to reset her circadian rhythms and for her just to use it for a limited time. She has had lifelong problems with insomnia and perimenopause made the problem almost unbearable. Unfortunately (also similar to the other poster’s husband) she had to discontinue it due to unexpected nocturnal behavior, except in her case she got out of bed, got in her car (in her nightgown and bare feet), drove to her in-law’s house, let herself in, drank some juice out of their fridge, and then drove herself back home. She had no memory of doing any of it; her in-laws called her when they woke up in the morning and found the juice still on the kitchen table and the refrigerator door open, and then saw her on their security camera video. It was super scary and she stopped the Ambien immediately. I know you didn’t ask for horror stories but do feel like I need to share that one as it was frightening for my friend, and for those of us who love her.
anon
So I actually used to take Ambien nightly for about 7 years. I think new studies were conducted during that time period, because suddenly my prescribing physician (a neurologist specializing in sleep) made me switch to another medication that is apparently safer called Belsomra. After about a year of that I got off meds completely. In my experience, if you are taking it nightly, you will get dependent on it, meaning you won’t be able to sleep without it. This was problematic for me because often the pharmacy would screw up and leave me without pills for a few days, and I would be up all night. I found its much more effective for occasional use only, like transatlantic travel or the night before some big event. Hope that is helpful.
Anon
Yes I was dependent on it too. When I wanted to get off I had to taper (1/2 pills, then 1/4 pills etc) and it still felt like cold turkey when I finally got to 0 pills. I was literally awake all night for two nights before I got so desperately exhausted that my body let me sleep. My sleep wasn’t normal for a good month.
Anonymous
It’s not something I take on a schedule. I’ve had an ambient prescription for years that I use as needed when I have trouble falling asleep. I usually end up using it once a month or so.
Anonymous
I know this isn’t what you asked but have you asked your doctor about Hydroxyzine? It’s an antihistimine but is used off-label for anxiety and insomnia and was prescribed for me for pretty serious insomnia issues (like being totally unable to sleep for multiple days at a time) and it’s helped me a lot. I’m down to only having to take it once or twice a month when I have a totally sleepless night and while it’s more sedating than something like melatonin or benadryl and gives me a bit of a hangover feeling the next day, it doesn’t have the crazy side effects or addictive properties of Ambien.
Anon
I’m not OP but would you mind sharing your dose? I was rx’d it for anxiety but I couldn’t function on 50 mg. I now have a script for 10 mg and can increase it until I get to a dose that correctly balances reducing anxiety and being able to function and not be super sedated. I haven’t had much anxiety lately so I haven’t been testing it out. I know this will be individual, I’m just curious what worked for you.
Anonymous
I normally take 50 mg at night. I have permission from my doctor to take a second pill if I can’t fall asleep 2+ hours after taking the first pill, but I’ve only done that once I think. It makes me very drowsy and I do feel kind of hungover the next day, even if I sleep 8 hours, so I don’t think this dose would work for me for regular daytime anxiety treatment.
Seattle Freeze
Trazodone is also a safe option – I take it nightly and it helps me fall asleep and go back to sleep when I wake upin the night (two things my body doesn’t really do well).
Anon
Don’t take Ambien when you’re camping, first of all. That’s just dumb. Take it only occasionally when you need it, take half a pill, and try not to get into a nightly habit.
Whatever you do, do not take ambien when you’ve been drinking.
Deedee
My spouse and I are headed to Hawaii for two weeks around the holidays! Would love your advice or suggestions for Oahu, Maui, or the Big Island. We’re active travelers and hoping to do lots of hiking and snorkeling. Thinking of doing our scuba certification there, if you have any advice on that. Suggestions for dining–especially good cheap eats!–are much appreciated!
BTW, thanks for your advice about travel earlier this spring. I was blue about my fifth anniversary (Jan 2022) plans falling through. I took to heart some of the advice to plan a trip–any trip–rather than pouting that my preferred trip couldn’t happen. :)
Anonymous
I’m just back from a week in Oahu. It was wonderful but the island is SO crowded right now. Travel to Hawaii has rebounded in a big way, I think a lot of people are choosing that over Mexico or the Caribbean because they don’t want to deal with the uncertainties of intl travel right now. It will probably be pretty crazy around Christmastime too. Make dinner reservations at least a week out – we didn’t and had to get most of our meals takeout/delivery, because there was nothing available that didn’t have a three hour wait. Our favorite beaches were Laniakea Beach (can often see sea turtles in the afternoons), Shark’s Cove for snorkeling and Waimea Bay. We did the Makapuu Lighthouse Trail and enjoyed it. On other trips we’ve done the Diamond Head and Lanikai Pillbox hikes, which are also nice. Start early in the morning, otherwise the weather is not pleasant for hiking.
Big Island is probably my favorite Hawaiian Island – the snorkeling at Kahaluu Beach Park is excellent and Volcanoes National Park is super cool. Night snorkel or dive with manta rays is a must.
Maui is not my favorite (unpopular opinion, I know, but I just don’t love it!) Mama’s Fish House has amazing food – one of the best meals of my life and I’ve eaten in a lot of good restaurants, Haleakala is beautiful, and a snorkeling trip to Molokini is fun.
anono
+1
I’m just back as well and I personally know 5 or 6 people who have gone or are planning trips this summer. OP, right now there is a serious rental car shortage. Hopefully that will be resolved by the time you go, but it’s something to keep in mind. We used Turo (air bnb for cars) instead.
Mrs. Jones
Must see: Pearl Harbor and Volcanoes NP. Ooh also whale watching because I think you’ll be there at the right time.
Dining rec but NOT cheap: Mama’s Fish House on Maui.
Of Counsel
They are all great. Honestly I would look at where you can get a rental car without paying a fortune and base your pick on that. Reserve your rental car and hotel (or condo) before you book your flights!
anon a mouse
I love the Big Island. Hopefully you will be there on Wednesday or Saturday and can hit up the Hilo farmers market – it was so great to see all the tropical fruits. Eat lots of shave ice. Go to the summit of Mauna Kea if they are doing tours.
anon
I can speak to the Big Island! My SO and I are also adventurey-travelers. We really enjoyed Volcanoes National Park and visiting the surrounding areas that had been covered in lava in recent eruptions. I recommend hiking in Volcanoes and driving the Chain of Craters Road. Volcanoes (the little town outside the park) is very small and there were next to no satisfying restaurant options– I’d recommend packing a cooler. We also did Mauna Kea at sunset (we rented a Jeep and drove ourselves, not through a tour company) which was awesome. You are literally above the clouds. We didn’t do any observatory tours but I think that would be interesting as well once those restart after Covid. We went to Wiapio canyon and off-roaded down into the valley (this was tougher than driving up Mauna Kea– I’d only recommend this if you/your SO is fairly comfortable driving off road and down an incredibly steep hill). I wish we could have spent more time exploring that part of the coast. We didn’t spend too much time in Wimea but apparently that area has lots of horseback tours. As for snorkeling, check out the website I love big island dot com — it has a really great breakdown of all of the beaches (along with other cool spots broken down by region of the island) with descriptions of the snorkeling, water and beach conditions, accessibility, how to get there, etc. We only snorkled once, but there were tons of options.
Anon
Does anyone know where I can find pants similar to Athleta sculptek jeans (ultra stretchy/comfy)? They’re only selling ultra-skinny or cropped jeans right now and I’m looking for a more current cut.
Anonymous
I haven’t tried Athleta jeans before but Wit & Wisdom has some very stretchy/comfy jeans with a few different cuts.
Anon
I am fortunate to have a bunch of social occasions coming up where I need ladylike dresses – sort of Kate Middleton type day dresses without the Kate Middleton budget ha. Brooks Brothers has some, but I’m striking out elsewhere. Dillard’s Antonio Melani line used to be great for this, but they’ve shifted to the casual maxi dresses that are really all you can find anywhere right now. Boden is mostly jersey dresses. Suggestions?
Ribena
Hobbs! Also Toast which is slightly more casual.
Cat
+1000 to Hobbs. Also check Reiss.
Anon
Thank you! Hobbs looks great! Can you speak to how Hobbs runs? I’m a bit fluffier than I’d like these days…
And I totally forgot about Reiss!
Cat
Make sure you’re looking at the US sizes when you buy! I’m usually one size larger than I take in typical mall brands like JCrew. If you have a Bloomingdales near you, they may have an in-store selection (not sure if all Bloomies carry Hobbs, but my local one does), or you could order online from them too. (Have never ordered from Hobbs directly so unfamiliar with their shipping or returns policies.)
Anon
Browse the bloomingdale’s (and Reiss store) sale sections for Reiss.
Anonymous
Look at the Ghost collection at Marks & Spencers, very Kate Middleton. (Or Ghost itself).
Also, Phase eight. Great day dresses.
For your question about Hobbs fit: I have found that a UK 10 and US 6 is fairly similar. You need a fabric with stretch if you have a generous bust.
aBr
You could always try L.K. Bennett, where some of Kate Middleton’s dresses come from. Word to the wise, you need to be honest with your size there as the dresses very much run true to size (e.g., no vanity sizing). Otherwise, depending on your vibe, Veronica Beard is pretty much everywhere this summer (thanks Jill Biden).
Anonymous
Tucker New York.
anon
Low stakes Q: DH and I are planning on traveling to Wisconsin from our midwestern state for a few days around the 4th of July. Location TBD but we don’t mind driving. We like outdoor stuff if the weather is nice, food, visiting breweries, and checking out quintessential midwestern stuff. Looking for recommendations of fun farmers markets, local frozen custard stands, fish fries, u-pick farms, and quaint small towns to check out! TIA!
Anonymous
My SIL used to live in Madison and would go to a sunflower field in Verona WI that looked gorgeous. I’m not sure of the exact dates but it was in July.
Anonymous
Door County! One of the cutest places in the world. And it has all the things you are looking for. Highly recommend. U-Pick cherries also might be in season in some areas, which is usually the highlight of my summer.
Curious
Go to Door County! Everything there is quaint. Stop in Sheboygan on the way up.
Anonymous
+1 to Door County. I adore that place. But if you want the most amazing farmer’s market, go to the one in Madison. It is massive and amazing and you can get warm cheesy bread and fresh cheese curds along with all the summer produce.
Anon
I love that cheesy bread
Anon
Thirding Door County!
IUD
How bad is IUD insertion? Should I plan to be out for the rest of the day? A little bit anxious because last time I had a pap, they hit a random polyp and I was bleeding for several hours afterwards.
Anonymous
It was a non-issue for me both times I had IUDs inserted, one Mirena and one Paragard. I wouldn’t worry about it.
anon
+1 with Paragaurd. It was such a non-event for me, I can’t even remember what went down that day. At all.
Anon
I had a Mirena inserted twice, and I just had (very) severe cramping afterwards both times. I was glad to be able to go home and nap. I didn’t have any bleeding though.
Anon
It seems like it’s different for everyone .I found it to be incredibly painful. I was able to drive myself home afterward, but I needed to lay down for a few minutes first.
Anon
It’s so different for everyone. I took ibuprofen beforehand, the actual insertion was uncomfortable but only a little painful for about a second, then I had mild cramps after.
Anon
I’m on my second Mirena, childfree and never been pregnant. They both hurt during insertion enough to induce instant stress sweat, but I was able to deep-breathe through it and didn’t feel the need to vocalize. Cramping afterwards lasted 2-3 hours.
I would have been fine to work from home. I would have preferred not to be in the office, because I would obviously be in pain, and would not want questions about it. I also needed a shower, because the stress sweat is super smelly.
Carrots
Depends on your pain tolerance. Mine is kind of low and I freaked myself up before it, so they made me wait a few minutes before I left because I felt like I was going to pass out. No pregnancies here, and I definitely had a few choice words for my doctor, but again, low pain tolerance here. Had slight cramping the rest of the day and then some into the next day that I put a heating pad on and that helped. But otherwise, it wasn’t bad and cramping/pain was gone by the end of the week. I know, when I go to get my next one inserted, I’m going to talk to them about anxiety meds for the day off.
Anon
i actually thought it was gong to be no big deal, i had a c section for my twins a few months prior and that was painful, so figured this couldn’t be that bad, but it was more painful than i anticipated, though i don’t think i had to sit around for the rest of the day (wasn’t really an option at the time since i was on maternity leave caring for my twins), but everyone is so different. maybe don’t schedule anything super important right after?
Anon
If you have someone who can drive you, ask your doctor to give you one or two Valium pills to take beforehand. It’s the only way I could get through my intrauterine biopsy, which is the same mechanism as inserting an IUD (plus some bonus scraping)
Anon
Reading all these responses makes me so angry. WOMEN’S PAIN IS IGNORED.
If men went through this, they’d have wings of hospitals and research institutes dedicated to it.
Anonymous
The whole concept of IUDs makes me ragey. Women need to go through this painful procedure with rare but possibly serious side effects, because men don’t want to lose a little bit of sensation during intercourse!?!? If the roles were reversed, it would be unimaginable for men to suffer pain for women’s pleasure.
Anon.
Um, as a woman I hate condoms. I hate the way they feel and chose to have an IUD instead of continuing to use condoms – my partner was more than willing to use condoms for as long as I wanted.
Absolutely there is sexism and inequality in the world and we should work towards better birth control etc etc but I really hate when people that only men want to have sex, or only men want to have condom-less sex.
Anon
Glad I’m not the only one. This is infuriating.
Anonymous
Super painful during but not that bad after. That being said, I am due to replace my paraguard next year and will make my husband come with me and drive me home (I made him come last time too, even though we lived somewhere with public transit, just in case I was in crazy amounts of pain and wanted help).
Anonymous
I had the paraguard inserted before I had children and mirena about 8 weeks after giving birth. The first one was incredibly painful. The second one hurt a little bit, but much less than the first. It was over quickly though both times.
Walnut
By contrast, I was chatting with the nurse the entire time and didn’t notice the insertion. Three pregnancies, but all c-section deliveries, fwiw.
Anonymous
First attempt at mirena – nulliprava, couldn’t complete bc of cramping pain
Second attempt at mirena – 6 weeks after my second vaginal birth, took an ibuprofen prior, I didn’t feel anything during insertion
Serafina
Another anecdata-point: I found insertion uncomfortable and mildly painful, but on par with some of the more uncomfortable pap smears I had.
After wards I had some cramping and spotting. The cramps were like an uncomfortable period but not the worse I’ve had.
I appreciated being able to curl up in bed with a heating pad and read / watch TV for a few hours, so I probably would take the day off if you could, but I could have powered through some work if needed.
Anonymous
you guys! I am cautiously optimistic that I will make partner this year!!! It’s been a slog through the pandemic and I really didn’t expect to make it this year but the stars are aligning such that I think (as in, I have been told! By people who have the actua authority to tell me and mean it!) that it will happen! I am just excited and it feels too premature to tell friends IRL at this point, so wanted to share with my online friends!
Senior Attorney
Woo hoo!!
Alanna of Trebond
Congratulations!!!
Eugene, OR
Hey everyone!
I’ll be in Eugene, OR for about 5 days soon. Any recs?
test run
Meiji Ramen for drinks/dinner
Ninkasi Brewing, Hop Valley Brewing Co, or Falling Sky Brewing for beers
Get a peacehealth bike and take a ride along the Willamette River
If you have a car, go hiking at Mt. Pisgah
Go to Cafe Yumm and eat like ten yumm bowls for me, please!
SMC - San Diego
My daughter is at U of O so most of what I know about the town is campus centered but here goes:
(1) Cornbread Cafe for breakfast or lunch. Order the vegan biscuits and gravy. Prince Pucklers for ice cream.
(2) It might be really hot. If so, the coast is not that far away and really beautiful. But bring a sweater because there can be a 20 degree temperature difference.
(3) Wine tasting
(4) Second riding along the river but do not be out there after dark.
(5) The Cascades Raptor Center.
(6) The Saturday Market if you are there on the weekend. (Not just the Farmers’ Market.)
(7) There are a lot of parks and “the Rose Garden” is cool (per my kid).
(8) And obviously walk around the campus and take the path from the main campus to Autzen.
Anonymous
My husband is an academic who interviewed at U of O and this post makes me very sad he didn’t get the job!
Anon
Enjoy the piles of ashes everywhere?
Source: family in Eugene lost their entire ranch to the wildfires
SMC-San Diego
I am sorry about your family’s loss! It is becoming all too common for people who live on the West Coast.
Having said that, while last summer’s wildfires were horrible and tragic (and the ash when I dropped daughter off in September was still really bad) it is long gone at this point. (Source: Daughter who was there until about 10 days ago.)
Anonymous
Forgive me if I missed another thread on this — can you ask therapists, dentists etc if they’ve been vaccinated? Can you ask what the business’s policy is on vaccinated employees? Someone just told me sternly it was a violation of HIPAA to even ask which seems like BS.
Anonymous
You can definitely ask. They may or may not tell you. Nothing to do with hipaa
Anonymous
Of course it’s fine to ask. They can decline to answer, but I would assume the answer is no if a medical professional declines to tell you their vaccination status. If you ask a random person you meet on, say, a plane, then I think declining to answer is pretty normal and doesn’t give you any info about their status.
Meara
You are not a covered entity, HIPAA does not apply on your part.
You can always ask. Whether they answer is a different question.
Anon
IDK — if I tell my employer something (like this), I wouldn’t want them sharing it (especially in a way that identified me personally). I saw a sign recently that “all unmasked employees have gotten shots > 2 weeks ago” and I know that hospitals in my area fire people for not getting flu shots (with some very narrow legit exceptions).
Anon
In that situation, if you saw someone with a mask, would you assume they haven’t been vaccinated? I’m vaccinated but have a condition that was excluded from the clinical testing. I’ve reduced my precautions a ton but I’m still wearing a mask grocery shopping, at the pharmacy, anywhere crowded. I don’t want people to think I’m not vaccinated, though now that I think more about it, I guess I don’t really care.
Anonymous
No, many vaccinated people I know are still wearing masks in crowded indoor settings so I would never assume someone is unvaccinated simply because they wear a mask.
Anon
I assume that the people who refuse to get vaccinated also don’t wear masks anymore. If I see someone in a mask, I assume that either they have a condition that means that they don’t know if it will work or they have young kids at home/someone for whom the vaccine may not work.
Anon
+1
I’m still wearing a mask in stores and public transit and will continue to do so for the forseeable future.
Anonymous
+1
Anonymous
I definitely assume masked people are the not vaxxed at this point. Given that nearly everyone here wore one before the guidelines changed, I’m not inclined to believe that all anti-vaccine folks are anti-maskers. Especially since the “omg vaccines have TOXINS, I’d rather do hard drugs than sip soda” crowd seems pretty darn pleased to identify themselves as unvaccinated by sporting the mask.
Anonymous
There are definitely anti-vax people who will wear a mask when required (i.e., an airplane), but I don’t know any anti-vax person who voluntarily wears a mask now that they’re not required. The only people I know who still wear masks indoors in a place like the grocery store where they’re not required are all vaccinated. And they have a variety of reasons for doing it: modeling masks because their unvaxxed kids have to wear them, high risk household member, etc.
LaurenB
Huh? I’m fully vaccinated, believe in the science, and I’m still wearing masks indoors in grocery stores and the like, because it’s no skin off my back to wear a mask for 10 minutes and it helps protect the service people who have no choice but to be exposed all day long.
Anon
You can ask. They aren’t required to tell. Some are happy to as part of their marketing strategy.
Anon
If someone refuses to answer, I would interpret that as they are not, and I would find a new provider.
My dentists office lets everyone know they are 100% vaccinated, they will show you their new, very expensive air filtration system and go over their sterilization procedures with you. That’s the kind of provider you want.
Anon
it is not a violation of HIPPA. you can ask, they just might not answer. i went to the doctor this morning and asked her and also about her staff. she said all of her personal staff is vaccinated, but that there are a few holdouts in other parts of the office. we were all wearing masks anyway.
Anon
Yes, of course you can! That’s not at all what HIPAA is about.
Of Counsel
There is widespread confusion about HIPAA right now – largely fueled by anti-vaxxers who want to claim they cannot be asked their vaccination status.
HIPAA applies to health care providers and insurance companies (and their affiliates) and prevents them from sharing certain categories of information (which would include vaccination status) without your consent. In other words, your doctor cannot tell people whether you have been vaccinated without your permission. It does not keep anyone from ASKING about vaccination status. And it does not apply to anyone who is not a “covered entity” under the law.
HIPAA can be complicated and this is a gross over-simplifcation, but it absolutely does not apply to this situation.
anon
I’m curious about this- a friend works as a receptionist for a cosmetic dermatologist’s office. She said that people have been calling in asking if the providers are vaccinated, and her boss is interpreting since the company/practice is a healthcare office, that it WOULD be a HIPAA violation to disclose status, as, for instance, one provider probably does Botox on the other provider, so the providers are technically patients of the practice, too? Just thought that was an interesting outlook on it. I understand anyone can ask, just was curious about that ramification.
Of Counsel
If your employer is also your health care provider this can get complicated and lines need to be drawn so that health care information (covered by HIPAA) is not crossed with employment information (not covered by HIPAA). So if a health care provider has a policy that all employees must be vaccinated they can say that is their policy but they would need to be cautious about releasing the status of individual employees.
Anon
Are you a hospital or healthcare provider? Are you planning to share the answer to your question with third parties without the other person’s consent? If no to either of these, then HIPAA doesn’t apply.
This is the latest misinformation the anti vax crowd is using and it’s not based in fact. Most of the time they can’t even spell HIPAA.
Anonymous
Omg yes. If you think it’s HIPPA you shouldn’t be allowed to even talk about it.
test run
I saw a great meme that was like HIPAA: [definition of HIPAA and what it applies to], HIPPA: a thing made up by anti-vaxxers who don’t know what they’re talking about.
Anon
I would ask. They should advertise it and be aware that it’s important to their clients.
LaurenB
That “someone” is full of nonsense and doesn’t know what they are talking about, because HIPAA only applies to medical offices and others involved in health care disclosing information about patients. Your doctor and your doctor’s receptionist cannot disclose to you that your neighbor Susie has X disease. However, nothing prevents you from asking Susie, nothing prevents Susie from telling you, and frankly nothing prevents you from asking Susie’s husband or best friend if Susie has X disease. (They may tell you it’s none of your business, but it’s not a violation of HIPAA if they were to confirm it.)
Of course you can ask a health care provider or a business if their employees are vaccinated. They may or may not choose to tell you, but it’s not a violation of HIPAA for you to ask. And it’s not a violation of HIPAA if they say “our policy is that everyone in our office is vaccinated.”
Vacation from Chicago
Looking for inspiration for a vacation destination that is a 3-4 hour maximum drive from Chicago or a 3 -4 hour maximum direct flight in the continental US from Chicago. I’m indifferent on driving or flying, but just don’t want to spend too much time traveling – would be a 4-5 day trip with a girlfriend. We appreciate beautiful scenery, but not huge outdoorsy/hiking people. Thanks!
Anonymous
What time of year? The south is pretty hot between now and late September, which rules out of a lot of places I’d normally suggest. Maybe the pacific northwest? Oregon and Washington both have fun cities that can be easily combined with scenic stuff.
Anon
Tucson and stay at a nice resort
Cat
A 4 hour flight range from Chicago gets you pretty much the entire continental US (even San Diego is only a hair over 4 hours)…
Asheville? Charleston? Palm Beach? Finger Lakes (would need to rent a car, though)? Jackson Hole or other ski towns often have a totally different relaxed vibe in the summer?
Senior Attorney
Broadmoor Hotel in Colorado Springs.
Vacation from Chicago
I love the specificity of this!
Senior Attorney
Here to help! ;)
Katie
How about Burlington, VT? Should be an easy flight from Chicago and I looooved sailing on Lake Champlain, trying all the craft beers, and there’s plenty of hiking if you’re into it but also beautiful to walk around. I took a few day trips to smaller towns (Waitsfield was adorable) and enjoyed the drives. Ben & Jerry’s HQ in Stowe is fun!
Vacation from Chicago
I love the sounds of this! Any recommendations on hotels?
Anonymous
I love the sounds of this! Any recommendations on hotels?
anon a mouse
What kind of vibe are you going for? Aspen or Bozeman would get you good spas with great backdrops. Nashville would give you lots of fun outings but lower on the scenery. Either of the Portlands would give you a nice water view and good food (better in Oregon though). Minneapolis is super close and has a ton of parks and lakes for good views.
Vacation from Chicago
Not looking for a Nashville type vibe…something more relaxed and chill, but not TOO much so. I love all of your ideas aside from Nashville!
pugsnbourbon
New Orleans, Miami or Austin if going in the fall/winter, Portland Maine if you’re planning for this summer.
Anonymous
Sundera Spa in Wisconsin Dells
Solo 5K?
Would it be fun to run a 5k alone? I’m just finishing the Couch to 5K program and feel so proud of myself. I would like to enter a real 5k race just for the atmosphere but can’t decide if it would be fun or not since I can’t find anyone game to run with me.
Yes!
I ran them solo all the time, 10ks and half marathon’s too when I was at my peak. And, I’m no gazelle-like runner – slogging along at 11-12 min/miles and I always had a great time.
test run
I think I’ve done like 80% of the races I’ve done by myself (including ones where I’ve traveled for them) so I say go for it!! Also people at races are always super friendly so honestly you might make a friend there! Sometimes my SO will take me to celebratory brunch or I’ll hang out with friends after, so that might be a nice way to celebrate with others afterwards?
Anon
Sure! It’s just going for a run with other people you haven’t met yet. The great thing about a 5k is that if you go and it’s turns out to not be your thing, it’s over with quickly.
Shelle
I’ve done organized run events alone and with others. When alone, I’ve felt like I could focus on things like proper pacing and finishing strong without being concerned about someone else too. And you’ll be surrounded by others so you’ll feel the positive group energy (which is tricky since it can lead you to run faster than you realize!). Sometimes I end up temporarily befriending others who are going at the same pace and we cheer each other on. You could always ask a friend to meet you afterwards for a celebratory lunch.
LaurenB
I’ve run about a dozen 5Ks alone and had a great time.
Monday
Definitely do it. Have your people meet you at the finish line cheering, and then pay it forward by sticking around to cheer the folks who finish after you!
Aunt Jamesina
Absolutely! I actually sort of hate running races with friends, since I feel weirdly obligated to match my pace with them for more casual races like a 5k. I’m very much a person who only likes to run on her own, though.
Anon
YES!
Post your location and people can suggest races. Races all have a different feel to them. Too-small races make you feel like you’re running by yourself. Too large races can be a slog through a sea of humanity. Races vary in the level of professionalism of the staff and operation (which does not equate to how “serious” a runner everyone is, how famous the race is, or how much the entry fee is). Themed races can be a lot of fun for a beginner – cupcakes at the finish line, runs through a zoo, etc.
If you are doing a 5k that is associated with a half marathon, the 5k will often feature a lot of walkers and recreational runners; they are the long-suffering spouses of the half marathoners. There are also races that are randomly very, very competitive; the reasons can be historical (it just is always that way), the group that puts it on might be very intense, or they offer prize money to the top runners.
Anonymous
Yes!
looking for the perfect hiking pants
Does anyone have a recommendation for pants to wear for hiking and camping? I went to REI this weekend and tried on every pair of pants they had and found that a) the pockets were all pretty useless (unless it was a cargo style pocket), and b) the rise on all of them was a little on the low side for me to feel comfortable while doing a lot of bending. Also, I’m a size 2/4 in the waist, but my thighs are definitely bigger than that and none of the pants seemed to fit right. So I guess I’m looking for pants that are roomy in the thighs with a mid-high rise and with pockets (front or rear) that can fit my cellphone. And I would rather the pants not have the “zip off to become shorts” feature, though snaps to roll the hem up would be okay.
Anonymous
You need the Kuhl Strattus pants. They’re exactly what you need and they’re all I wear.
Anon
I hate that women’s outdoor gear is made for women who are, like, 5’5″ max, I can never find anything big enough or with the right proportions. I hike in the Carhartt Rugged Flex® Steel Double Front Pant for Women but it looks like they don’t make those anymore. I have the same issue with the rise being too low and these are okay, but not great.
Anon
I am a pear and like athleta (not all bottoms are pear-friendly, but one each season seems to be quite good).
BUT
In the humid summer, I hike in North Face Aphrodite 6″ shorts.
In the winter, Athleta polartec lined leggings (no pockets through).
Consider a lumbar pack / day pack for your stuff (vs pockets — iPhones are IMO really heavy) or use pockets in a vest / coat if it is cooler.
test run
+1 to a day pack for your stuff – you wouldn’t think it would make a difference, I hate hiking with my phone in a pocket. I also really like athleta hiking pants (I like the trekkies) and eddie bauer.
Anonymous
LL Bean’s women’s vista camp pants? I really liked them when I tried them on in the store – I was *this* close to buying them except that they were too long me and I’m petite.
Anon
North Face Aphrodite. Three pockets; one zips and fits a cell phone, and the other are normal pockets. Roomy in the hips (which I definitely need); very reasonable rise.
Non
My daughter only buys from the boys’/mens’ section at REI, based on a rec from one of their very helpful sales staff. The saleswoman who helped us said all the women’s pants are cut to look “cute” but don’t actually allow you to lift your leg high enough to properly clamber over a boulder due to the narrower thigh/leg cuts, also, the boys’ have much deeper pockets. If you can’t find the right style in women’s gear, try the men’s/boys. Easiest to go in knowing your waist and inseam measurements to help narrow down what you try on.
Anonymous
Totally agree! I’ve started to try on men’s sizes before I even look at women’s. Almost all my rain pants, wind pants etc. are from the men’s selection. I’m 5 f 6, hourglass with small and high waist and big thighs, a US size 6 or 4 in womenswear, depending on brand. When I was more of a size 2 I looked at the boys’ section.
Men’s pants have higher rise, better pockets and are often cheaper as well. Women’s mid-thigh pants often hit me far below my waist, generating an uncomfortable, fake muffin-top. I’d much rather wear a lightweight nylon belt on a man’s pair. I have kept one pair of woman’s trekking pants from UK Karrimor that works out well, but Goodwill now has the rest.
Anon
I am built very similarly and like hiking tights. Patagonia’s are good.