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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Debara Power Crepe Long-Sleeve Dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Whenever I see a power dress that makes my heart skip a beat like this one, I automatically assume that it comes from Boss. I really like the seaming and the V-neck with a slight collar, and the merlot color is going to be flattering on just about everyone.

The dress is $218, marked down from $545, and available in sizes 0–18. Debara Power Crepe Long-Sleeve Dress

This plus-size option from Calvin Klein is on clearance at Saks OFF 5th — it's $54.99, reduced from $139. 

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427 Comments

    1. I love this dress, and usually love Maroon colored things, but this reads very brown-toned on my monitor. Also it’s almost 90 here today so I’m sweating just looking at it.
      Gorgeous dress though!

      1. I think whether this dress is flattering will depend heavily on skin tone, not hair color.

    6. Love this and agree about Boss dresses. This one might require some brighter makeup on my sallow complexion.

  2. Can we talk about goal setting? Specifically, how do you identify meaningful goals? For the past few years, I’ve been feeling a little lost. My only real goal is to find a partner, and that’s not going very well. I feel like I’ve just been going along with life and passing the time while I try to find that partner. It has turned me into a pretty grumpy, frustrated, bitter person. I don’t want to be that person anymore. I need to figure out what my other goals are so I can shift some of my energy from the frustration and disappointment of dating to pursuing other things I want to pursue. I have a career and hobbies, but those aren’t really “goals.” So, any advice for identifying meaningful goals for yourself? Any resources to help with this? Thanks for any suggestions.

    1. I think there’s a Designing Your Life book that’s frequently recommended here. Also, if you’re not doing this already, maybe adapt your dating goal so that it’s not dependent on finding someone (which you can’t control). But make the goal to meet 10 new people, or go on x amount of dates this year, or talk to a matchmaker, or meet fewer but better quality people, or something you can measure and consider accomplished even if you’re still single.

    2. Boy, this is something I relate to. I spent many many years in that state… trying to hard not to become bitter when I was so so sad that the things I wanted life seemed to be passing me by. And then, I met my wonderful partner at 39, we have a fantastic relationship, and most days I think he was totally worth the (very painful) wait, so, never give up! If you can….I think it would have helped me to try to deeply believe there was cosmic timing involved. I do believe that now – that certain things had to happen to get me and my partner to the same place to meet. And now I deeply deeply believe that our baby wanted us to meet – she wanted HIM as her dad, and that her soul has reasons for being born where she’s born, and not 10 years ago like I wanted.
      But to answer your question, I found having a short/medium term project really helped me. For me, some that were fun were: Being able to do a pullup (took me about 4 months). Learning to swing dance (SO MUCH FUN). Which then led to other goals like learning a specific solo jazz routine (e.g. Shim Sham. Tranky Doo). Plant a garden (I recommend “Square Foot Gardening”). Learn to make pottery. Focus on improving my language skills in a second language. The language and dance were critical to my meeting my guy in the end, fyi:-) And, a big *HUG*. It’s hard. It’s a huge invisible loss. You’re not broken. This time does have value and meaning….even when it’s hard to see it.

    3. Similar spot and I’ve got a few:
      Buy a house
      Have a baby
      Go on a big travel adventure
      Compete in my hobby

      None dependent on finding a partner, although I’d really like to!

    4. Do you have goals in your hobbies? I think having goals is something that makes a good hobby, actually, even if they’re relatively short-term and get replaced with new goals quickly — learn to knit, learn to purl, short rows, first socks, cable stitches, first sweater, fair isle stitches — something like that.

    5. You might consider setting a goal of finding ways to be happy and feel fulfilled without a partner. That might be getting involved in your community, or taking classes, or deepening your hobbies (or finding new ones).

      I don’t mean to be dismissive of your goal of finding a partner — I want you to find what you want. But you can only control so much in that process. And being happy with yourself and your life will make you a better partner when you find the right person.

      1. +1

        I encourage you to spend time determining what brings you joy, what makes your heart sing and set goals related to building a life to incorporate those into it.

    6. I think Gretchen Rubin is really helpful for this. I did a 20 for 2020 goal list since I was feeling a bit stuck, and focused on adding things to my life rather than subtracting. So more museums, more hikes, trying new things. Obviously some of that is out the window with Covid but other things I can maintain.

    7. I use a web app called Level Up Life that works a bit like goal centric journaling. It helped me appreciate what I’ve already achieved (from a stock list of things that other people have set as goals) and think about what I might want to work toward. I started using it on a whim, but I’ve found I really appreciate taking a few minutes to acknowledge goals achieved or identify or set new ones.

    8. I have no advice on how to establish new goals and do the successfully. But I can say that what helped me was revamping my expectations of myself and not setting goals that were mostly out of my control. For example I was in your spot for a few years and realized after a couple years that I shouldn’t get bitter and upset about my own actions in not getting a partner because the goal’s success measure is based on random chance. Obviously not having a partner can be sad and lonely, and we can be envious of others that have a loving partner, but my point is not to be bitter or angry at yourself for not running across Mr. Man at the grocery store.

      Basically don’t be upset about goals whose success you can’t meet or achieve on your own. It helped me to have small, incremental tasks that I could check off in pursuit of goals that made me happy. One of my goals was to travel more. Then I broke it down into small steps (dream of where to travel, figure out how much time I had to travel that year, buy plane tickets and figure out the rest later as each trip came near). And since the only end game was my own happiness, if stuff got moved around, so what! Get’em next time.

    9. Check out Cultivate What Matters Power Sheets. I love them for goal setting. There is a YouTuber named Amanda’s Favorites who has done great reviews on it.

    10. What about something community focused – like serving on a nonprofit board or getting engaged in local civics

    1. Ahhh sorry I reported your comment by mistake! We had them in the garage, order a humane trap from amazon and use a bit of a snickers bar. I was terrified to start with but once he was in the trap he was kind of cute. Just watch as they can sometimes get a tail caught so I’d check the trap often. You need to release at least a mile from your home.

    3. My sympathies. IMO, other people are only so-so at mouse-ridding skills. :( A cat is not an option I take it (a friend with a cat says that the cat wards them off vs having you wake up to carnage ever day)? I am allergic to cats. Mice are incontinent and pee/poop everywhere and that also bothers my allergies, so I just kill them and try to plug the holes where they might come in (steel wool, etc.). They like peanut butter more than cheese. A lot more.

      1. Unfortunately I have allergies including to cat hair so I would be vacuuming constantly and still sneezing – I have set up a pair of humane traps – initially with Rolo chocolate sweets but I also bought poison bait which I might put in there too. Also on the way are some of those ultrasonic repeller gadgets and some steel wool for the gaps I can see.

        I live in an apartment in a 130 year old building so there will always be SOME holes. Have also put up a note downstairs to let everyone in the building know and have spoken individually to the other residents of my floor (via notes and SMS!) to coordinate a defence between us.

        One of the local pest control companies says they can come round and lay out rodenticide.

        The reason I want the other person is so I don’t have to handle it alone! The scuttling freaks me out.

    4. I’m so sorry! They are absolutely terrible. I have gone several rounds with mice and discussed it extensively on my neighborhood listserv, and everyone is going to recommend a different trap or poison that worked perfectly when nothing else did. I think you just have to try a lot of different things until you find the one thing that works perfectly for your particular mice, or something.

      What does help everyone is sealing up cracks and crevices on the outside of your house as carefully as possible, using copper mesh or similar. You can get an exterminator to do this (some of them run a smoke machine inside so they can find even the tiniest cracks) but I did it by visual inspection.

      1. Can’t get to the outside of the building (see above) but I can fill in all the holes I can see. When pest control companies are fully operating again I will get one to come and do that protective job properly. (Autocorrect keeps thinking I mean pesto control – much tastier)

    5. I had mice – single, 23, living in a rented farmhouse. I called a few people for moral support. My dad was both unhelpful but turned out to be right – “where there’s one, there’s more.”

      I got a battery operated trap off Amazon for about twenty dollars. It does kill the mice but it shocked them (no noise, no risk of just getting a limb). I completely understand if you don’t want to kill therm, but I did. I still thin with horror that I caught 12 mice in under 3 weeks. Never found out where they were coming in but did pull my washer dryer out and found tons of poop behind it. I still shudder ten years later.

      Good luck!

      1. Last year I had about 20 kills. I feel like Dexter. There is never just one mouse. :|

      2. We saw one mouse. We got some traps – about 8 – and put them out. There’s just the one, we said. Maybe two. We’ll catch it/them and that will be it.

        The next morning all the traps had mice in them. We did three more rounds of setting out traps and finally got (we think) all of them. We continued to set out traps for another year just in case.

        We did the kill traps, the kind that poison the mouse and trap it in the trap so it dies quickly but you don’t have to handle the mouse to dispose of it, as we live in an area with Hantavirus and didn’t want to take any chances. Similar to above, we pulled out some furniture we had in a screened-in porch and found mounds of poop, nests, everything. We had to get full-on respirators and industrial-strength disinfectant to clean it all out. So I really, really recommend getting a handle on the problem before it escalates to that level.

        OP, I am sorry. I will echo the others, other people are not necessarily a help in this regard. My son is allergic to cats so that wasn’t an option for us. You can always call an exterminator; I actually wish we had.

      3. My dad was very helpful saying that it’s not a reflection on my housekeeping particularly – my next door neighbours have been doing a lot of DIY so I assume they were living elsewhere in the building and have been scared away.

        Happy to kill them.

    6. I live alone and am also dealing with mice for the first time in my life right now. I am so sorry that you’re also dealing with this! It has been horrifying. I’m sending you lots of anti-critter vibes!

      1. Apparently there are far more in residential areas than usual because the normal food sources aren’t available. Hoping as restaurants start to open up again they’ll be drawn back.

    7. My grandmother used to put old school mousetraps in brown paper lunch bags. When she heard them snap, she would just pick up the whole bag and toss it out. That way she never needed to see the ‘critter’.

    8. Use the plug in high frequency sound emitters to deter the mice from entering. If you place them properly and don’t block them, they really work.

    9. It’s very important to figure out where they’re coming from so you can seal the opening. It’s often around pipes or ductwork. If you do seal the hole you’re unlikely to get more mice :)

    10. Try ultrasonic pest repellers – they plug into your outlets and make a frequency noise that bugs all the critters up through mice, but not larger animals. They’ve worked for us in the garage with mice – they just stay away

      1. This is my plan! Hoping it works. I have very thick walls so might need one in each room.

        1. Oh I have a couple in each room – I don’t think the range is that far, definitely get a lot

          1. I only have 700 square feet! Big rooms but only three of them plus hallway and bathroom.

  4. Has anyone had the “we need separate bedrooms” conversation without strife? I feel like it’s inevitably going to devolve into an argument about the well-being of our marriage, but it has nothing to do with that.

    I simply cannot get good rest next to this selfish bed hog. He does dolphin rolls all night, sleeps diagonally, shoves me incrementally towards the edge of the mattress until I’m barely clinging on, wraps the covers around himself and leaves me shivering, the list goes on. Conversations about his wild sleep habits accomplish nothing. I’ve attempted to make up the bed with separate coverings, but he still takes whatever is in reach and then lays at a 45-degree angle so I can’t get my share out from under him.

    I wake up exhausted and furious every morning. I’m sick of starting every single day angry. I just want to feel calm and rested.

    1. While I totally understand your frustration! I would start by trying to take the anger out of your voice when you talk about it – can people actually control their sleeping behavior? I mean the guy is unconscious. If he could force himself to sleep calmly wouldn’t he??

      Do you have space in your bedroom to switch to two full beds rather than a single king or queen? Staying in the same room – assuming snoring is not among the complaints – but physically separate may take some of the sting out?

      1. 2 full beds in the same room is a great idea! Esp because the problem is bed hogging, not snoring so still being in the same room is a good compromise.

        1. Nah, don’t compromise on sleep. Crowding the room with multiple small beds isn’t going to improve your sex life or soothe hurt feelings, it’s just going to be weird.

      2. +1 to 2 beds, my husband and I do that with two twin beds and it’s great. 2 inches apart and I don’t feel a thing when he kicks or turns. Separate covers/sheets, and daytime a king duvet over both.

    2. Since bed sharing vs noise is the issue, and you’ve already tried separate blankets/sheets. Could you try either using two twin mattresses in place of a king sized mattress on a king sized bed or two twin beds side by side, or even

      I know my DH would want me to be able to sleep but if it was a bed sharing issue, he’d take it much easier if I suggested separate beds in the same room vs. two separate bedrooms. He’d also take two bedrooms better if we had tried separate beds first and I still couldn’t sleep.

    3. Maybe try sleeping apart for a few nights, citing your exhaustion, and have a serious talk when you’re rested.

    4. I have no advice for you, but I laughed at “dolphin rolls all night.” (You’ve got a way with words.) My SO does that too. Dolphin rolls and then what I’ve called “orca flops” where he, in the process of a turn, rears up and then flops back down. The only solution I’ve found is a teeny tiny edible- for me- but that’s obviously not an option for everyone.

      1. Ha, mine too. I tell him he levitates three feet, does a 360 degree turn, and crashes back down.

        Our supposedly-non-motion-transfer mattress is being delivered tomorrow.

    5. Wow that’s a ton of rage about something he can’t control. I’d start simple- I’m exhausted, sleeping in the guest room tonight so I can get some good rest.

      1. Sleep deprivation takes a serious toll on you. Including your ability to regulate emotions.

        1. This is so true. There’s a reason why people are suggesting she sleep in a separate bed for a few nights, then have the conversation.

      2. Interesting point! I think a big part of my anger is that I feel his wild sleep habits are related to his out-of-control ADHD, which he has given up on managing with psychiatric care and medication because “it’s boring and too hard”. When he was properly managing his ADHD, he didn’t do aerobics in his sleep.

        So, thanks for making me think harder on my responses, I’ve realized that there’s more baggage here than I initially thought.

        1. Nail on the head here! This is a much bigger issue. Start by sleeping where you want tonight.

        2. This is not a dig at you.

          It’s not surprising that there are issues beyond the sleep that are related to the sleep.

          Try couples counseling. Managing his ADHD is not optional in your marriage.

        3. Oh wow. This is a bigger issue. The sleep bedhogging is a symptom, the root is the failure to manage his ADHD. “It’s boring and too hard” would enrage me too.

        4. Is this the same ADHD husband who was driving his wife crazy during lockdown playing racquetball in the foyer while she was trying to work?

          2. I missed that post. WOW, that is not ok. While she’s trying to work? I am raging inside my head right now at what adult grown ass man thinks that is ok.

        5. Oh man, that’s so frustrating, but also, deciding not to do something because it’s boring and too hard is SUCH an ADHD thing to do! The irony! But also super selfish to refuse to manage something when he knows it’s impacting you as well.

        6. I wonder if those are really the reasons he quit ADHD meds? I feel like he would have kept up with them if he experienced that they were helping him or providing a genuine net benefit, and that explanation seems a bit defensive. He may want to read recent research about subtypes of ADHD (related to dopamine, norepinephrine, or acetylcholine; I assume any combination of types also possible). If he hasn’t looked beyond stimulants, there are other meds and non-medication therapies out there! He may also need a sleep study (I did).

      3. No, she’s upset because she can’t sleep. That is a very legitimate thing to be upset about.

    6. I mean it kinda sounds like this IS about the well-being of your marriage? If you’re exhausted and resentful then the two of you need to find a solution. You say past conversations go nowhere – why? Is it a lack of ideas? Or does he not grasp how big a problem this is? How you start the conversation (again) depends on where he is.

      And idk if this is good advice – but stop coddling him if you’re doing that. My ex was a horrible snorer and even worse when he drank. He didn’t want to understand how disruptive it was to my sleep, he refused to consider any solutions because he thought it was nbd. Since my words apparently failed to communicate the problem, I decided to show him. I started waking him up – fully awake lights on – every time his snoring woke me up. I would make him get out of bed and move to the other room. And if he woke me up again even from the other room, I would wake him up and make him move to the couch. He was angry at first – hey look people are angry when you wake them up all night! – but it sure did get him to go to the doctor. But then again he’s an ex so maybe this isn’t how you want to live in your relationship.

    7. I found that talking about it did not help. I finally just started going into another room every time he woke me up. After a few weeks of waking up alone, he got the message and agreed to go to bed in separate rooms.

      1. +1
        For YEARS I put up with my DH’s snoring, talking in his sleep, flip flops, whole body twitching, pulling blankets off me, coughing in his sleep in my face, etc, etc. I’d go sleep on the couch, and then he’d get angry at me for not sleeping in the same bed with him. In retrospect, I know how crazy it was for me to put up with this for as long as I did. I tried to talk gently with him about it, multiple times. It had no effect. I finally told him that my sleep and my health is critical to me, and that by preventing me from getting a good night’s sleep he is jeopardizing my health- also said that apparently my health does not matter to him. That was a turning point for the better. I don’t think he had made the connection with how much this was impacting MY health, and that he was contributing to it. I now have a separate room to sleep in, and it has done wonders for our marriage. Wish I had called him out on this sooner.

    8. Waking up exhausted and furious does no good….and what for? So you can say that you and your husband sleep in the same bed? Who cares….we have slept in separate bedrooms for years….hubby snores like a sailor and I need a good night’s rest. Sleep is extremely important – do not compromise. Our scenario has a positive impact on our marriage.

    9. Can I gently ask what size your bed is? We had this battle in a queen, but all was solved in a King size bed. We jokingly refer to it as the marriage saver. We also have an understanding that sleep is important and if one of us needs an alternative for sleep–that is always acceptable, no questions asked, and it’s not an indictment of the state of the marriage. One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received is to never skimp on the quality anything that comes between you and the ground (Beds, tires, and shoes).

      2. “One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received is to never skimp on the quality anything that comes between you and the ground (Beds, tires, and shoes).”

        I like this.

      3. Yes, this. King, firm mattress, with a 4 inch memory foam topper to absorb the shockwaves. Also had an issue that his Tazmanian devil style resulted in bedding getting totally askew. Got rid of the flat sheet, and just use a fitted sheet and duvet.

    10. I am your husband. 100% suggest this biggest bed you can and also a separate duvet each. Not having the covers dependant on each person makes a huge difference. I also have several friends who start off in the same bed and one inevitably just gets up and goes to the other room to get sleep if it’s not working for them.

      1. This arrangement is not fair because it puts the burden on the person whose sleep is being disrupted. My husband is the disruptor, so he is the one who sleeps in the other room.

    11. I am well aware that this is not the best idea but worked for me and we have been married over 20 years. I told him that I was feeling a bit off and wasn’t sure if I was coming down with something. I told him that I was going to sleep in the room for a few nights just in case to make sure I didn’t get him sick. Two days later he commented how much he liked having the bed to himself and being able to stay up or go to sleep on his schedule — so I just kept sleeping in the other room. Best thing ever. We used to constantly tussle on when to turn off lights, etc. I am a super light sleeper and I get up at 4AM to exercise. He gets up around 7:30AM — so we always wanted the quiet and dark to fall asleep to start at different times.

    12. A lot of people are suggesting things that are not sleeping in another room. But it’s fine if you’re done with trying to accommodate him and need to sleep in another room. Really. I tried everything while my partner refused to do anything because in his world, if *I* wasn’t waking *him* up at night then that meant I was asleep and we were both sleeping just fine (UGH). IDK why the sleeping partner often can’t understand and needs to be tiptoed around and pandered too. It’s incredibly essential to get proper sleep and you should do what you need to do for your health — I wish I’d done it MUCH sooner.

    13. I know this is an unpopular opinion but my husband and I have slept in separate bedrooms since we moved into our house almost a decade ago (previously we were in a 1 bed apartment so there was no option to sleep separately). It hasn’t hurt our marriage and now I can’t imagine not sleeping alone. We share a bed when we have guests (because my husband normally sleeps in the guest room) and even though we have king beds, it’s difficult for me to share a bed with him now. We don’t talk about it, because I’m sure some people would judge if they knew, but we’re happy with it and it works for us!

  5. Is anyone WFH also dealing with lack of productivity in the afternoon? I bill my time and find that once I have lunch, my productivity seems to drop drastically such that I usually am only able to bill 2-3 hours afterwards. I don’t have kids, but I seem to become more restless and get distracted more easily after lunch when WFH. I’ve shifted my work hours to 8am-1pm as a result. Maybe I should also move any calls to after 2pm as a way of forcing myself to be productive in the afternoon? Curious if anyone else is going through the same and has any tips.

    1. I think reserving calls and admin tasks for the afternoon is really smart. I wonder if a change of scenery, even from the desk to the couch might help. Or a lunchtime walk or cycle ride?

    2. Yes. My workload went from 80+ hour weeks to 40 hrs/week and somehow my motivation went with it…

    3. I wfh fulltime before all this, and have noticed I’m naturally far more productive in the morning. The number of my files time-stamped before noon is far greater than after.
      I get an early start to my day, logging in by 7am. I try to reserve admin tasks and meetings for afternoons when I have scheduling control over them. Anything after about 3, I tend to be less focused and grouchy during. Luckily the colleagues I work most closely with are aware of this, and also tend to be morning people so we do all our brainy tasks in the morning. I usually log off at about 4 and get some exercise, and then I will log back on as needed. I really need that afternoon break for about an hour to relax and be more productive.
      Some things that help me re-engage in the afternoon are a proper lunch break for 30 minutes or so, going outside now that the weather is nice, or doing a mindless task like dish washing/laundry to disengage my brain for a few minutes. Lately I’ve been keeping a yoga mat next to my desk and doing stretches throughout the day too.
      It also sounds a little cliche, but I notice especially when it’s warm that if I don’t drink enough cold water in the afternoon I get super fatigued and grouchy.

    4. I do calls from 1-3 – it’s naptime for my kids but also when my brain basically has no self motivation.

    5. Yes, I’ve also been less productive in the afternoon. I’m basically just trying to extend the morning as much as possible. I now start my day an hour earlier and try to push off lunch as long as I can. Your ideas of scheduling calls and admin in the afternoon sound like good ideas.

    6. Yup, I always feel sleepy and ‘meh’ after lunch. What helps are ‘snack’ lunch if I can – high protein, lots of veggies, fruit, etc. cut up and minimal carbs. Or having a cup of tea at 3:30 or so. I also agree with the other advice to reserve admin for this time!

    7. I log back in around 8pm to finish out remaining tasks when I have a worthless afternoon.

      Sometimes a quick run through the coffee shop drive thru can save my afternoon, as well.

    9. I take a nap with my preschooler! Even 45 mins helps, I am refreshed after.
      I also do my team 1:1s in the afternoon which are more casual conversations, and I try to walk around during them if I’m not taking notes.

  6. Anyone have favorite Vanguard bond funds? I’m saving up for a down payment in my Vanguard brokerage account, but in a VHCOL area it’s going to take me 3-6 years, so I don’t want stocks (my retirement is 100% stock index funds) but I don’t want it sitting in savings earning nothing either (my emergency fund is in savings at ~1%). TIA!

    2. Normally my advice would be to match the Duration of your bond fund to the 3-6 year time frame you are looking at…but at the moment a short term bond funds pays less than a high yield savings account like at Marcus or wherever you are currently at with your emergency fund…So my suggestion would be to put the money there @ 1.30% for now. Also no principal risk unlike a bond fund. VBTLX is a fine suggestion as well and currently yields 1.45% but with a 6.3yr duration on the fund interest rate increases in your time frame could erode any progress made from the yield on the bonds. Would be happy to explain further or answer any follow up questions you have.

    3. If interest rates go up (which they will–they are at all-time lows), then bond prices go down. This matters if you are not buying individual bonds that you hold all the way to maturity. This means your investment will go down over time in a upwardly trending interest rate environment. Do not invest in bond funds right now. They are safe, but it’s a better idea to put that principal in CDs or money markets for preservation of principal.

  7. Ugh — my kids are forgetting their math b/c our remote schooling is so weak. Like my 5th grader insisted she didn’t know how to do division. Math tutoring is (gulp) $80 an hour (and they recommend 3x a week). If we weren’t doing camps this summer, I might consider this short-term, but it isn’t feasible long-term due to schedule and also OMG that is a ton of $ (like if we paid $1000/month for math tutoring, private school wouldn’t be that much more). Would it be better to hire a high school / college student to do worksheets with them? I am good at math, but sometimes I prefer not to be my child’s teacher (I do enough of that anyway, but WFH is just taking all of my time now).

    What sort of things work for y’all (especially those of your w/o endowments)? Kiddo is a voluntary reader, so no complaints there. But I get that math isn’t that sort of leisure hobby for most people (esp. kids who are not getting good instruction in it at the moment and perhaps dodgy instruction in it previously).

      1. Definitely Khan Academy. Hiring a high schooler/college student would be good too! When I was high school I babysat my elementary school aged cousins and often helped with homework.

    2. Be aware that Khan Academy doesn’t work for every kid. Mine hates it. At least at the elementary level, the instructor speaks in a monotone and teaches algorithms by rote.

      With most kids, walking them through deriving the algorithm for themselves, with manipulatives and/or on paper, is much more effective. For my own child and for most of those I’ve tutored, base-10 blocks and fraction towers worked well for pretty much everything in elementary school math.

      A lot of workbooks marketed for home use are downright terrible. The problems aren’t challenging enough, there aren’t enough of them, they aren’t targeted at the right skills, the word problems are poorly written. My best source has been the free printables at dadsworksheets dot com. If you do purchase a workbook, look at it very closely to be sure it will meet your child’s needs.

      I have had success using screen time and free time as bribery. Do two pages of math practice, read for an hour, and then you can watch a show or play with your iPad.

      1. My kid doesn’t love Khan, but does like the Prodigy Math app. They use IXL as well for school, but it’s not as “fun”
        It might be worth figuring out how to align any supplemental methods with whatever the school’s math curriculum is based on (Singapore math, everyday math, etc) for consistency in terms.

      2. Thanks! I did a lot of random amazoning at first and it was not good. Will check out dadsworksheets.

    3. I had a tough time with math when I was in 3rd/4th grade and my parents sent me to a summer class that used project based learning. So to practice finding area, we were given a drawing of a room and then we had to research and find furniture that would fit in the room, had a budget that we had to split up with requirements (4 chairs, no more than $38 total, so division) and had to keep track of everything. Would anything like that help? Could be a project that also takes some time.

    4. I’m sure this is going to depend on your location, but does your public library offer a tutoring service (or can you join a library that does)? For example, if you go to the New York Public Library and click on “Education,” you’ll find that they offer free online tutoring. Maybe your library would at least have some learning resources listed if not tutoring. I can’t speak to the quality of the tutoring, but I would love to hear of anyone’s experience with it

    6. Khan Academy + Singapore Math workbooks. I needed to be able to write things out, and the paper workbooks were super helpful.

      Have kids do this 20-60 minutes every day, depending on the grade level, including vacations – Khan Academy offers a good revision plan where you start at earlier grades and accelerate through the concepts you already know.

    7. I’ve suggested this before (assuming your locale’s stay-at-home restrictions allow it) is to get a very smart college student to be a tutor/nanny/camp counselor for a few hours a day, like 9-2 or 3. Have the workbooks ready, have tutoring from 9-11 then have the nanny take them to the park or on a backyard adventure, lunch 11:30-12:30 then tutor again from 1-3. Or go to the park or on a bike ride.

      This would also help you WFH easier.

      Many college kids I know can’t find jobs this summer because restaurants and bars are closed and jobs may be hard to find. Even a responsible high school junior or senior might work.

      The key to this is to get the workbooks ready, because unless the college student is an education major, they may not be ready to teach. Perhaps viewing Khan together then reviewing the concepts with a workbook is a good idea.

      I recommend Painless Algebr@ (my kids used it to self-teach and it’s really painless). There is also Painless Pre-algebr@ and Painless Geometry. Also recommend Cartoon Guide to Alegebr@.

  8. I need a new closed toe summer shoe for casual gatherings when I’m wearing a dress, or that I can wear with jeans and a blazer to the office. Remember when Kate Middleton wore closed toe 3″ wedges everywhere? I love that look but am sure there’s a more current option. Please, no sneakers, and I’m sick of ballet flats.

    1. What about a pointed toe flat? Rothys points work for me (go up a half size). Or, for a leather option I like the fortuna by M.Gemi. Some people can make mules work, but I am not one of those people.. The birdies starling also seems to be a really popular option I have been thinking about trying. Another option could be an espadrille wedge. Lots of those are closed toe.

      1. Rothys would be good for fall or spring, but in summer I store mine because they get smelly quickly and I can’t practically wash them every week. I would do a Huarache sandal for more casual looks, Nisolo and CANO are both ethically made with some options but pay attention to sizing. It looks like Matisse has good options too. And I do think Espadrilles are still “in.” I like the Soludos Classic Wedge.

      1. With a dress? I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone wear loafers with a dress, might look odd. I’m sure someone could pull it off.

    3. Soludos Collette heel is perfect for this. The material of the block heel is summery, but it is closed toed. I wear it with dresses and the ankle strap is very flattering when I’m in a dress, but it’s great with jeans.

      1. Are these different than the Gemma? That shoe has been showing up in my IG feed and I’m really liking it

        1. Very similar. Gemma has lower heel but connected in the middle of the inside of hte foot – the Collette is open in the middle on both sides. I like it open with a higher heel but both are adorable IMO.

  9. Anyone in big cities with unrest feeling uneasy today? The combination of most businesses still being closed with lots of protests (most peaceful, but there are enough looters and rioters out there now that unfortunately the message is becoming tainted), record-high unemployment, and now warm weather is scary. I’m in Chicago and we were supposed to open most businesses tomorrow as part of the next phase in our COVID plan, but given the state of the city I’m not sure it will even be possible. But we NEED to get stuff open again and get economic activity and life back on the streets because letting looters take over is not sustainable.

    If you would have told me two weeks ago that COVID would no longer be the biggest headline, I wouldn’t have believed it.

    1. Yup. Get people back to work with safety measures in place, PLEASE.

      The combination of (justifiable! I am not dismissing it! fully in favor of peaceful protests!) anger at police behavior, months without pay, and nothing but endless days of time to fill = destructive (and counterproductive) protests and looting.

    2. Yeah it’s definitely going to push the reopenings back. My office was supposed to begin opening on Friday but then the rioters smashed all the windows and stole equipment so it’s just not feasible now. That’s true of many, many other businesses here in Philadelphia too. It’s accomplishing nothing but keeping people out of work longer.

    3. I’d caution you not to prioritize preventing looters over public health. Staying home during COVID and also during looting is protecting human life. Reopening a few shops at minimal capacity with increased costs for cleaning, security, etc, really does very little for the economy. We actually don’t NEED it that bad or right this minute. Also, tell me about “sustained” looting … and how putting blue collar workers on the streets will stop it.

      1. I honestly don’t know where to start with this comment. I’m so appalled by this I am not even sure what to say. The tone-deafness, obliviousness, privilege and snotty judgement against people who are suffering inherent in this comment is so egregious…wow. That’s all. Just wow.

        1. Do you have weird ideas (like OP) because you’re suffering? I’m sorry, but they are still weird ideas.

          1. Sorry, I immediately regret suggesting the OPs ideas are weird, was just trying to convey that putting more workers into the shops isn’t necessarily a practical means of prevention right now.

            There are a rash of overly defensive posts lately, and many of them are from people who aren’t thinking clearly or who are unfairly demanding others calm down when they’re being perfectly logical. Suffering can lead to distorted thinking, none of us are immune. So there’s no need to get up in arms about every little thing. When a comment has substance, what is the point in replying with a bunch of accusations that don’t have any substance? They don’t have any substance.

            If you ask workers to go out into the streets right now they might not be safe and the net harm will be more than income to the local businesses (if they are even able to make any income). What’s so terrible about acknowledging that?

          2. “If you ask workers to go out into the streets right now they might not be safe and the net harm will be more than income to the local businesses (if they are even able to make any income). What’s so terrible about acknowledging that?”

            Let me ask a series of questions (that I don’t think you’ll answer because you’d have to confront your own biases) in response to this question.

            – Do you realize that the same people you are saying should stay home rely on making money to pay their rent, buy food for their families, etc.? Do you realize many people are relying on food assistance and are facing eviction because for whatever reason, they were ineligible to receive unemployment and they are reaching the end of their rope, financially? Do you realize that those tensions and those conditions are contributing to the hopelessness, despair and anger we are seeing in the streets right now?
            – Do you realize the business owners who want to reopen desperately need to, to make money to avoid closing permanently, which would permanently affect their neighborhoods AND their families?
            – Do you realize that some business owners would actually like to be at their properties so they can either serve their communities or prevent damage to their property, which provides their livelihood?
            – Do you realize that in fact, not everyone in America who works can work from home and get paid? Do you realize that the majority of workers who are working at home right now and getting paid are white, and that many minorities have largely been cut off from their main sources of income and employment?
            – Do you realize that in many urban neighborhoods, large markets like Target don’t exist (or have been shut down pre-emptively), and the ONLY way residents of those neighborhoods can get life necessities is from small shops that are willing to open? Especially because USPS/UPS have stopped delivering in some areas? Unlike you, they can’t just hop online and order their $20 arborio rice and have it delivered to their doorstep.
            – Do you realize that when you prioritize the Covid quarantine over absolutely everything else that is currently happening in society, you are participating in silencing black and brown and impoverished voices? That you are now no better than the President and other people who just want the protests shut down?
            – Do you realize that if Covid-19 is your biggest worry you are speaking from a place of enormous privilege, and that because your other basic needs are covered, you may not fully understand the struggle that the people in the streets and in these neighborhoods are going through as a result of the quarantine?
            – Are you aware white privilege is a thing? How about systemic racism? How about systematic disenfranchisement and economic suppression of minority communities? Do you understand that when you say preventing Covid transmission is the most important priority, you are participating and engaging in those oppressive systems?
            – Do you know any nonwhite people? Do you know anyone who makes less than $50,000 a year?
            – What does “social justice” mean to you?
            – Do you have the ability to think about more than one critical issue at a time?
            – Do you have the ability to weigh one set of consequences against another, more immediate set of consequences?

          3. @ 2:41 These are great questions. Thank you for them. I think you must also recognize the impossibility of getting out there and getting back to work in a profitable and reasonably safe manner as much as we all deeply, deeply wish we could (especially in hotspots for both Covid and looting). Part of the oppressive system is a willingness to push the lower class into the line of fire unnecessarily.

          4. Anonymous @ 2:41. Do you realize you want to send these workers to deal with horrible conditions for no reason? How are they going to magically make money in the middle of a war zone? Is your privilege telling you they should stamp out looting by simply showing up to work, so that you can go buy a latte from them? Will you tip if you buy this latte, and will that then magically enable them to catch up on rent and pay grandma’s medical bills and buy groceries for their multigenerational families? You must be a great tipper.

          5. Wow. Let me also point out the my original comment was to point out that we shouldn’t frame this social problem as looters vs small businesses and minimum wage workers. You’re just throwing the focus on two marginalized groups to duke it out rather than focusing on the larger social problems that brought everyone to this point.

    4. I’m in Chicago too, and posted yesterday about considering leaving. So far I am feeling better than I did yesterday. Last night was markedly calmer in my area than the night before. The hot weather today is ominous though. I feel so desperate for some normalcy. At the same time, so frustrated by the expectation (by work) to pretend everything is normal.

      1. Anon at 10:23, just want to make sure you saw my apology for jumping to conclusions and all over you yesterday. Also, my assertion that nothing was happening in the suburbs was proved wrong last night, at least in some spots.

        Guarantee this is setting us back. My husband’s Loop firm was supposed to open yesterday, at least partially, but windows were smashed on the first floor of the building and anyway, there is really no way to get into the area.

      2. Thanks for updating. I don’t think I saw the whole thread, but I’m glad to hear that you’re safe.

      3. You’re not alone. I had planned to leave Chicago this year anyway and this definitely moved up my timeline; several other friends who had considered moving away or to the suburbs have said this sealed it for them too. Hang in there and I hope you stay safe.

    6. In Chicago as well. The constant police presence, sirens, and boarded up restaurants and stores are chilling. I really want this city to get back to “normal” because the longer things remain closed the less likely they are to reopen.

    7. Not to nitpick your post but protester are protesting. Looters are looting. Rioters are rioting. There may be some overlap but they are largely different groups of people.

      I am uneasy with the combination of businesses being closed, looters and rioters. I support the protesters.

      1. I think that a lot of restaurants are just going to close forever. And then new ones will come back in suburbia. I remember my parents telling me about the 1968 riots and it took some cities (e.g., Newark) a LONG time to recover. A lot of people who moved out have relatives buried in Newark and cherish the city as a haven for immigrants but left because they didn’t trust that they could be safe there, and that seemed to guarantee a downward spiral that even today is still a wound to the city. The people who suffered most were the ones with the least options, so I am praying that protests stay peaceful because it has always been clear to me who bears the cost of unrest.

    8. I’m in a smaller city in a red state. We’ve been mostly reopened for weeks. I’m typing this from my office, which has been open for weeks. We still have massive protests.

      Reopening would not change a thing. People need to see some substantive changes. Watching the authorities tear gas peaceful protesters so 45 could hold a Bible in front of a church for a photo op probably added another week to the unrest.

    9. The message is not getting tainted. The police are inciting violence against peaceful protestors. In my city the police are physically trapping unarmed marching protestors against fencing and walls to tear gas them and shoot rubber bullets at them. A mob of white men (proud boys and white supremacists) and carrying bats and gold clubs and weapons were trying to confront protestors and “protect the police HQ” and other property. They were not arrested, not tear gassed and not shot with rubber bullets despite being out after the city wide curfew and police being around. These men had faces uncovered. The KKK feels the need to cover their faces with hoods and these guys don’t.

      The message wasn’t tainted when Kaepernick peacefully kneeled. The message isn’t tainted when protestors peacefully march and sing. The message isn’t tainted because other people take advantage of unrest and loot stores and damage property. Black americans are being murdered by police, property damage just does not compare.

      4. The message is not getting tainted, but, in large part because of how its being reported on news channels, there are groups of people who are going to get the news of the protests and the looting mixed up. They won’t get the clarity you’ve outlined in your comment. I do think by and large that people know protestors =/= looters, but the fact that there is looting does not help the situation. It’s unfortunate, but we are all aware of how important PR can be, and this is an instance of that.

        1. Of course looting does not help. No one said it did. But you do not get to say that the existence of looters taints the message of the protest, which is very clear – Black Live Matters. Police are murdering black americans.

          1. Yes, exactly. Thank you for pointing this out, AIRPLANE. The message isn’t being tainted, it’s just that there are people who will look for any excuse at all to ignore the message. The message is clear.

            I would like for someone who believes that looting “taints” the message or “discredits the movement” to explain to me precisely how looting makes false the proposition that police use excessive force against black Americans and did so in George Floyd’s case, resulting in his death. Where is the logical connection.

          2. I thought the looting was sending its own message that police historically and presently have done more to protect the safety of property than of people and that our society habitually sacrifices people for profit.

          3. The message of the protests isn’t tainted if you are already interested in the message and willing to hear it. It certainly IS tainted for those who didn’t want to hear it and now have an excuse to point to when saying why the protesters and their message are “wrong” (since most of said people do not understand or don’t care to see that it’s not the protestors who are doing the looting and inciting the violence).

            I would also say that some of my Facebook friends who are activists in the black community HAVE been posting about reasons to justify the violence, for example: “… cop cars and discriminatory buildings aren’t worth saving.” I truly feel that this taints the message to me as a white reader trying to understand people of color’s views on the current situation. And obviously I know that that may not be reflective of every person of color’s views, but by having people out there saying things like that, it really does confuse the message.

        1. Glad to hear it. Yes, I do feel uneasy. Nonstop helicopters, distant shooting (I hope they are rubber bullets and non lethal) and big booms of tear gas canisters all day Monday and Sunday. My city is cut off, bridges and highways were shut shut down. It does feel like a war. Because in a sense it is. Civil unrest is more than uneasy.

      6. The police are not uniformly inciting violence against protesters. There are many, many photographs and videos of police ensuring protesters have safe passage, and physically joining the protesters while hugging, holding hands, and kneeling. It is untrue, unfair, and needlessly inciting bad feelings.

        The message is indeed tainted when people take advantage of unrest and loot, riot, and set fires. You don’t need to agree, but you need to understand that people were absolutely horrified to see a policeman in NYC run over by a car last night. Including the protesters who shot the videos. The peaceful protests during the day are turning into chaos at night. It’s within the power of the protesters to stop this.

        2. To be fair, she does say “in my city.”

          How are the peaceful protesters empowered to stop the others?

          1. By stoping the protests. Once your protests are taken over by others with bad intent, either you stop the protest or you become complicit.

          2. Anonymous@1:38, by that logic, we would give bad actors absolute power to end any political protest that they don’t agree with. We give them a much bigger voice. The message of hundreds of thousands of people peacefully protesting should not be so easily wiped away.

        3. Oh honey, don’t let your agreement bias fool you. Of course there are policeman ensuring safe passage for protesters. There are also police firing riot bullets into people’s homes while they sit on their porch on their property simply existing. A good thing and bad thing can exist at the same time, it’s simple.

          BOTH ARE OCCURRING AND THE “THERE ARE GOOD COPS” ARGUMENT DOES NOT NEGATE THE ACTIONS OF THE BAD COPS.
          Sorry for yelling but you’re giving an “all lives matter” vibe right now and you need to chill.

          1. Your comment is very offensive to me. There are good and bad people in the world, full stop. Some cops are good, some are not. Some black people are good, some are not. Some white people are good, some are not. Overall, I believe most people are good, and we can have different opinions, but our actions speak for us.

            And FWIW, I am in a mixed race marriage so don’t you tell me what my vibe is.

        4. Seeing the policeman run over was horrifying. So was seeing a terrified 20-year-old college kid who wasn’t even involved in the protests dragged from her car and tased for no reason whatsoever. The story isn’t “perfectly calm cops facing down violent protestors.” The police bear a LOT of the blame for escalating many of these situations.

      10. Thank you! I’ve literally seen live streamed videos of people parting the crowd to let police through as they continue to walk and being pepper sprayed from the police car, police smashing their own cars and smashing open store windows to give people easier access, as well as random vigilantes dressed in all black putting down bricks and smashing up curbs so people have stuff to throw. The protestors are largely defending themselves from actively aggressive police violating their constitutional right to protest. I urge people here to really understand what’s going on and to not choose the “oh but the stores are still closed” side but rather the “if the police would stop inciting violence against crowds we could move on to change discussions with leaders point” side.

      11. I’m a POC. I one hundred percent believe white supremacists are out there purposefully inciting violence, rioting, and looting. The U.S. government has a long proven history of sending in people into other countries to incite violence and chaos during protests. Why not use it here? White supremacists and even law enforcement (huge overlap btw) get to be violent towards protesters (largely minorities) and get to blame minorities at the same time, it’s a win-win situation for them.

      12. what gives you that idea? There are so many examples of right wing conservatives using this tactic throughout history, it’s not hard to believe at all.

      13. It’s not property we are worried about, it’s livelihoods. In the Rodney King riots in LA, largely Korean owners of small businesses had their livelihoods taken from them. The current round of riots will disproportionately impact small business owners who are trying to make a living.

        1. While chain stores are being looted this time around (and in neighborhoods far from South LA), the damage is basically a rounding error for the large chains. Though I’m just a talented amateur in retail sales forecasting, a lot of national-brand retail in LA has way too many locations and way too much real estate.

          To be frank, I suspect that especially the department stores are delighted at the prospect of not having to reopen some of their locations in a post-COVID, post-riot world. Why have a Macys in Culver City and one in Crenshaw when you can have one in Century City?

          I don’t think the LA-area curfews (which are confusing and super-early) are doing any good and are pissing everyone off.

      14. Definitely disagree— maybe it’s different in other cities but mine is an example in what happens when the police just stand from the sidelines and do nothing. Many people I know who were never pro-gun before are buying guns now because there is no confidence police have the authority to adequately protect people anymore.

    10. Also in Chicago and not worried about the next few days, but very worried about the weekend. I’m a couple blocks behind one of the National Guard barricades, and we are crossing our fingers they remain posted there for the next couple weeks. Behind the barricade, it feels safe – people are back to walking their dogs and teaching their kid to ride bikes on the now-empty streets, etc.

      But with the USPS ceasing operations in some neighborhoods, Metra and CTA discontinuing service with less than a workday’s notice, and the fact that almost all the grocery stores and pharmacies were hit, no – I don’t think places will reopen as they were planning too. Just think of how much plate glass needs to be replaced – it’ll take weeks to re-secure the buildings…

    11. No. My city in a Southern state has handled both the protests and lifting of shelter-in-place extremely well. I am so relieved I do not live in the North. Pretending the problem was “The South” all this time has not served them well.

    12. To anon @ 12:33, here is how the message is getting tainted. There has been vehement, overwhelming support for holding the people responsible for Mr. Floyd’s murder accountable. There has been wide-spread, vocal support and even action about ending police violence — there is non-partisan support for demilitarizing the police. Local leaders, governors, police, clergy,businesses, and ordinary people have stood up and said enough. This must stop now.

      The protests, which all start as peacefully, are now turning into chaos. People are getting hurt, physically and by losing their ability to earn a living. Many people are still terrified of COVID -19, and are watching all the risks taken and hard work done by our essential workers, many of whom are people of color, are now for nothing. The message becomes tainted when it’s seems the protest and the chaos now take precedence over the message.

      I’m not expecting to win you over, but it’d be good to consider other views.

      1. No– I want to know how looting logically undermines the premise that the police use excessive force on black Americans, this is what happened to George Floyd, resulting in his death. This question hasn’t been answered.

        “Seeming like the protest and the chaos take precedent over the message” What does this even mean? I’m honestly not sure. Taking precedence in what way? In whose view? Because there’s news coverage? Because the “chaos” is what white people are paying attention to and butthurt about? I’m not hearing anyone who is protesting (or rioting or looting) arguing that the actual protests, riots, or looting are more important than what actually happened to George Floyd. I *am* hearing a lot of people who don’t believe that structural racism still exists paying more attention to the meanie protestors/looters so that they can ignore what actually happened to George Floyd. Sorry, nope. Really not convincing that any of this “undermines the message.”

        “Local leaders, governors, police, clergy,businesses, and ordinary people have stood up and said enough. This must stop now.”

        Right. Gee, I wonder why people aren’t actually confident that there will be meaningful change this time.

        1. The message may not be undermined to you, but it is to some people. And their opinion also matters.

          1. Opinions do not hold the same weight as facts such as protests did not cause police officers to kill George Floyd. If that is your opinion, then you are racist.

        2. By all logical standards of course looting does not undermine the premise that police use excessive force on Black Americans.

          However, what does happen is that for people who are uncomfortable hearing about police brutality and systemic racism, it gives them a nice narrative to distract themselves with. Because there is some other “harm” happening, they can shift the conversation away from the uncomfortable truth that Black men are being murdered by police.

          In case it wasn’t clear from my post, it is unfortunate that property is being damaged but we have to stop the murdering of Black people by police officers. Lives matter more than property. That doesn’t mean that people who don’t want to hear that Black lives matter won’t use the looting and riots as an opportunity to change the conversation.

    13. I’m a little uneasy, given the combination of a viral pandemic and civil unrest. Storefronts a few blocks from where I live are all boarded up, and there is the constant sound of airships. But just staying inside and knowing everything will most likely be fine on my residential street.
      I was a teenager during the 92 riots, and lived in a more affected neighborhood then. Even without Covid, that seemed way worse than now.
      In LA if that was not clear.

      1. I got to LA a few years after the riots, so I don’t have any real frame of reference. The boarding up of businesses isn’t something I’d ever seen before, but I don’t feel unsafe in my neighborhood. Lots of sirens and helicopters, mostly to the south and east of my street.

  10. I’d like to buy a nice coffee mug for a gift, a regular-sized on that’s nice and sturdy & keeps your coffee warm for a while. One that you want to use often/is your favorite from the cupboard, not something that just looks nice. Any suggestions?

    1. Someone gave me a Le Creuset mug years ago and it’s always the first one I reach for.

    2. I like the look of Le Creuset mugs, and they come in really pretty colors. My daughter has the flame color and I’m kind of jealous of it.

      2. I don’t think they are massively well insulated though, I have two of them and find my tea goes cold much quicker than my less fancy but thicker walled mugs.

      1. It’s the best, isn’t it? I lived north of Chicago for five years and went there probably once a month. I went back about a year ago when I was visiting and while it was still SO GREAT, they got rid of my favorite banana bread French toast. I was so sad! They still have the Door County melt, though, so it was a satisfying return.

    4. I think a local potter is your best bet – they make the best mugs and usually in a variety of sizes.

      1. I wish I could! But nothing is open where I am. I’m finding that many of my local shops or favorite vacation shops just don’t have online options (understandably).

    7. Thanks everyone, I think I’m going to go with a Deneen pottery one for now and keep the others in mind for the future. I’ve used them at the Original Pancake House, and they are great. Wish it was open, I’d get one there.

      I appreciate the help since I can’t shop to see them in person right now!

      1. Another helpful thing – boil some water and put it in your mug before pouring your coffee. Helps my coffee stay warm for quite a bit longer.

  11. i realize this will make a minimal difference in the grand scheme of things, but where have people donated over the past few days? can anyone suggest any organizations that are particularly impactful?

    1. I donated to the NAACP Legal Defense Fund – I trust that they will know where across the country to best apply the cash. (I’m not in the US)

      1. I also donated to the NAACP Legal Defense Fund after looking at a few organizations. I was able to designate my donation for a police misconduct and capital punishment purpose.

    2. Did you see yesterday’s “This Weekend” post here? There’s some suggestions.

    3. I’ve donated to Black Lives Matter, the ACLU, and the Southern Poverty Law Center.

      1. I donated to the SPLC too, along with a local organization that feeds kids (and families) in a neighborhood that was very hard hit by rioting this weekend.

        Actually, on the mom’s page, somebody sent me an article about some really troubling stuff at the SPLC. I was pretty bummed ’cause growing up – they’re awesome! They’re the people who sued the KKK! So then I additionally donated to a local community activism group (actually, the amount I donated to SPLC +$5).

        There was a bit of a debate on the mom’s page about how this type of ‘pointing out how somebody is still doing in wrong’ turns others off, but hey – I figure that with thousands of years of colonialism, systemic genocide, opression, and racism… I can afford to be uncomfortable and use it as an opportunity to do just a little better.

    4. I’ve been donating to bail bond funds. (Note that the MN bond fund is now requesting that donations be directed to other organizations.)

    5. I live in the Chicago area so I’ve been donating to Mothers Against Senseless Killing for a while now, and gave an extra donation this weekend. Read some of the work they’ve done – it’s truly impressive and comes at a high risk (two of the members were killed not too long ago).

      I also went through my Instagram feed and found the black-owned accounts that I love to learn from (like Rachel Cargle and Conscious Kid) and donated to their venmos or patreons. I’ve learned a lot and questioned myself based on things I’ve read on these accounts, and I feel it’s important to compensate for that great service they’ve done for me. Hopefully they’ll be able to continue to do it for me and others.

    6. I donated to Reclaim the block and the NYC liberty fund. I also restarted my monthly donation to the ACLU (had stopped while I was in grad school and not earning money). A lot of the bail funds are full now, so looking more for funds that will help protestors on the ground (medical equipment of fees, protective equipment, legal funds, etc)

    7. Crooked Media has a platform where you can split your donation among ~10 change-related charities – BLM, NAACP Legal Defense, etc. go.crooked.com/changefunds They are doing something similar with bail funds across several cities.
      I just split it equally across all offerings (for both campaigns), but if you have preferences in any direction you can zero them out. All powered by act blue.

    9. I’ve thought about donating to a himam rights org, but instead gave another big donation to a food bank.

    10. I donated to Unicorn Riot and a few local organizations. I have donated to Southern Poverty Law Center in the past, but have stopped due to some questionable practices. I know others like it though.

    11. I donated to the local bail defense fund.

      Also, to Joe Biden because getting this MF out of the White House won’t solve these big huge systemic issues but it will sure as hell help.

      1. I’m also planning political contributions this week. Won’t solve big systemic issues, but getting the right people in place will go a long way to making positive changes that are more possible given the protests.

      2. I would also encourage you to consider researching/donating to local and state-level candidates (see President Obama’s recent post on medium for a good explanation as to why the local level politics often matters more in the grand scheme of things). (But yes, absolutely to Biden as well).

        1. Yes, so important! I’m lucky to live in an extremely liberal area myself (although I’m not the world’s biggest fan of our mayor or some of our city council members, AKA Kshama Sawant) but have donated to some campaigns across the country for candidates I believe in.

    12. I set up a monthly donation to Black Lives Matter, also donated to Louisville and Minneapolis bail funds.

    13. I donated to Color of Change and NAACP Legal Defense Fund. Seconding the person who said to check out Crooked Media – if you donate to their fund, they’ll disperse it to 11 different orgs, but you can also just use their list and donate directly to orgs.

    14. We donated to My Block My Hood My City, and specifically the Small Business Relief program. (Chicago-based for those who care.)

  12. I suffer from seasonal allergies, such that some mornings, I’ll wake up with severely swollen eyelids. They’re a nightmare to try to un-swell, especially on top of otherwise getting ready for the day. (And I’m not always successful at addressing them.) Does this happen to anyone else? Do you have tips for how to deal with them?

      1. Antihistamines don’t seem to be working, but I haven’t tried eye drops or nasal spray. Steroids do work, but aren’t safe for the eye area long term.

        1. I use a daily antihistamine pill (zyrtec/allegra) all year, but during pollen season I add a daily nose-squirter (flonase) which helps a lot.

          1. I do the same except my doctor prescribed azelastine nose spray, and also budesonide steroid rinse for my sinuses. Not sure if it would help with the eyes but if I do all of these consistently I do OK during allergy season.

          2. I am also using Zyrtec and Azelastine. I don’t have 100% control but I’m a lot better than I was on Zyrtec and Flonase. I actually still use Flonase as well, sometimes, as my doctor basically just advised me to keep doing what I was doing but add Azelastine.

        2. Talk to your doctor. There are good antihistamine eye drops that you can take for days only with severe symptoms like this or in a preventative matter during high pollen days. Olopatadine Ophthalmic eye drops help a lot.

    2. This used to happen to me as well when I was having an allergic reaction to a scented pillow spray and took too long to figure it out. Ice really helped.

    3. Talk to an eye doctor and an allergist to come up with a plan, severely swollen eyelids means your allergies are not being managed effectively. Are you using a new pillowcase every night, windows closed to outdoor allergens, air filter running in bedroom with door closed?

      Maybe there is an anti-histamine eye drop your doc could prescribe you? My allergy eye drops helped a lot to prevent my eyes from getting conjunctivitus (resulting from seasonal allergies) . This was before my vision correction surgery when I wore contact lenses, which my eye doc said exacerbate effects of allergies on eyes.

    4. Tea bags soaked in cold water, squeezed out and placed on the eyelids. Go lie in bed for 5-10 min with them on.

      Long term, you have to figure out what you are allergic to and control it in your home environment. If it’s always overnight, I would strongly suspect dust mites and / or mold.

    5. i use antihistamine eye drops and they’re a lifesaver! my eyes dont swell but they itch..so…badly…all the time during spring-summer. its called pata day or pata nol (delete the space) and theyre available OTC at most pharmacies

    6. Are you washing/rinsing your hair before bed, using freshpillowcases every night, keeping windows closed etc?

      Try and limit the amount of pollen/allergens you bring into your bedroom.

      Also, wash pillows, consider a hat or hair cover outside and make sure your medications are the right ones…

    7. As other said – this needs to be managed by allergist, it is serious. Also, try washing your beddings in non-irritating detergent, no softener. I would also consider if this can be driven by mold or dust mites in your mattress or pillows.

    8. Not going to address the underlying problem of allergies, but for the immediate issue of swollen eyelids in the morning: take a metal spoon and put it in the fridge for about 5-10 minutes (NOT the freezer-will get too cold) then gently roll the smooth side over your eyelids to immediately depuff them. I do this after sleepless nights and can feel the puffiness immediately draining from my eyes.

  13. scripts for how to talk to people who just don’t get it. we are white. FIL is 65. DH and I were in the car together this morning and he called and starts talking about how ‘there are just a few’ bad cops and how while Trump is a lunatic, everything he says has a scintilla of truth, in that he is right we can’t just let people run around destroying private property, pulling boards off of windows, etc. and that this is the longtime struggle between the haves and the have nots. Before we could say anything FIL had to go and hung up the phone. There is a reason we generally do not engage in political conversations with my in-laws bc honestly, my FIL in particular, has no interest in hearing anyone else’s thoughts, he just likes hearing himself talk about his own thoughts. (not just with politics, with most things in general, he is a self proclaimed expert). how would you handle this?

    1. I would handle it by every time saying “I disagree and I’m not interested in a lecture from you. Good bye.”

    2. I wouldn’t. Dude is 65. Not your job to “fix” him. Walk away and leave this alone. If you need a mental crutch, it’s that he is senile.

    3. I don’t have a script to offer because I would stop talking to him. He’s not your father & your energy is wasted on know-it-alls like him.

    4. I would change the subject and if he refuses to let the subject be changed, then you politely disengage from the conversation. You’re not going to change his mind.

    5. You can’t always. You live your life by example and accept that lectures won’t change some people. You say, “I accept your right to express your opinion, but I disagree with it. I don’t care to discuss politics with you, can we change the subject?” And you live your life in a loving, thoughtful, respectful manner.

    6. Start the next phone call with “oh hello, You hung up on me before I could respond to your views. That really hurt me. If you can’t respectfully listen to my views, I don’t want to hear yours. Now, what I wanted to say about your comments last time is …”

      When people complain about what someone is doing, to ask what they think they should do instead. Like, “Dad, I get that you don’t agree with the looting, I don’t love it either but what else should people be doing? Peaceful protests have gotten nowhere, the police keep killing black men.” or “Racism is a significant problem in many police forces, I would be happy to send you some research that proves that issue if you are confused about the facts. That doesn’t mean that every single police officer is personally racist but there is a significant, systemic, documented, factual problem.”

      The reality is no one paid attention to this issue when black men were just dying. People are only paying attention now because stuff is getting broken. People literally care more about stuff than black men’s lives.

    7. You have to accept that some people don’t get it and there’s nothing you can say that will convince them.

    8. If that’s his pattern, I would interrupt his rant and ask whether he wants to discuss and hear what you think or he is just talking at you? Let him own at least that. There is of course no obligation for you to be his audience.

      1. On the actual content: sure #notallcops, but likewise #notallprotesters. Using lethal force against people to protect objects is hard to justify.

    9. If he keeps ranting and then preventing any response, I might interrupt him to say “I know you’re frustrated and you need to get this off your chest, but I actually don’t agree with you on this, so please find someone else to rant about this to.”

      If you can ever get a word in edgewise, I might encourage him to think about why the riots are happening. They tried peaceful protests, but they didn’t work, so now they’re escalating the issue. Encourage him to flip his statements from “it’s a shame black people are being murdered, but I don’t agree with the riots” to “it’s a shame riots are happening, but black people are being murdered” – amazing how different those statements are. Ask him why property destruction bothers him more than the lives that’ve been lost.

      Ultimately, he might not listen, and you don’t have to expend a ton of emotional labor on a lost cause, but it’s a good idea to at least try, if you can.

    10. I’m not sure this is a “don’t get it” issue. This is the reality of trying to have ANY conversation with a man who is a self-proclaimed expert, likes to talk, doesn’t listen when others talk, isn’t interested in finding out about them, and isn’t interested in learning from others. No matter what the political view of a person like this, a normal conversation isn’t possible. So at some point, frustrating as it is, you have to give up on trying to have that normal kind of conversational give and take. Your choices are to listen, to try to cut it off, to say what you want to say whether he listens or responds or not, to change the subject, etc. But I think you have to give up on the idea that a conversation — as you would define it — will happen.

    11. I would leave the room if he is ranting. Just refuse to engage. I’m not a free audience for men who want to rant at me, does not matter the topic.

    12. I feel like the older the men I know get, the more they tend to lecture instead of converse. It happened with several men I worked with, and with men in my family.

      There are times when I feel like my husband is slipping into it – of course I immediately tell him when he’s doing it, and I found myself wishing that someone would do it for the men I worked with.

      I had one manager who would phrase what he was saying like a question, with a pause, and as soon as I or someone else started to answer, would talk over us and continue his thought / answer his own question. It was extremely frustrating. I felt like he didn’t have anyone in his life to point out that he was doing it (he was a widower) and it just felt slightly beyond what his staff could really do. So we just took it.

      So, your FIL – I feel like it’s your husband’s responsibility first, and then maybe yours, to point it out to him. Your husband would not be out of line saying something like, “Dad, did you just call to lecture us, or are you interested in hearing what we have to say?”

      I’m sure someone else in your FIL’s life would appreciate this a lot!!

      1. +1 though I’ve seen it in women as well. Old people love to pontificate.

        OP has my sympathies since my family is the same way.

      2. +100 This totally applies to my dad and a lot of older men I know / meet at family gatherings!

    13. On the “few bad cops” thing someone said it so well to me. “Would you be okay not doing anything about your water system of 2 out of 10 times it gave you toxic sludge, but other times it gave you crystal clear and clean water? Just because your water system works great the majority of the time doesn’t mean that you don’t work to get rid of the lethal toxic sludge it sometimes spits out because people could get hurt. If we used that standard for all public health systems the world would be in shambles.”

      1. It’s just really unhelpful when discussing accountability in general to say that some people are good already without any accountability.

  14. Depression follow up. I was the poster asking questions about switching Zoloft to at night. I met with my doctor and I have increased my dose and moved it to night time but I am also starting Wellbutrin in the morning to hopefully help my ADHD. Once I’m on that long enough to have it fully integrate into my system we will wean off the Zoloft.

    Question to you all – do any of you on Wellbutrin socially drink on it? I ask because I asked my doctor and she said I can. The bottle itself has no warnings. The hand out that came with it from the pharmacy though says not to consume alcoholic beverages while taking it. Trying to figure out which one is right.

    1. I’ll have a glass of wine with dinner probably 4 or less nights per week. That’s about where I was before so not a major change. I haven’t gotten drunk since I’ve been on it.

    2. Don’t listen to medical advice from strangers on the internet. Perhaps ask your pharmacist (and I would be concerned that your dr gave you bad, and potentially very dangerous, advice regarding drinking).

      1. I appreciate your warning. I will be talking to my pharmacist. I also like to know what people in the real world are doing when I am getting conflicting advice.

        1. Hey, I didn’t mean to sound so harsh. My Dr strongly advises against it for a different med, even though I’m generally healthy & others are drinking on it. So I imagined this would be the correct course, but of course IDK.

    3. I’m on Wellbutrin XL and I socially drink. I waited until I was completely onboarded to test the waters though. I recently started getting reeeeeally bad hangovers if I have more than a social amount (for me that’s 2-3 beers or 1-2 glasses of wine). I don’t know if that’s age, generally being more “healthy” (I can work out every day now), or the Wellbutrin. But, if a side effect is that I’m encouraged to drink less, then I’m letting it stand because that’s good either way.

      1. Also, my doctor said I could drink while on it. We don’t have your entire health history so who knows what factored into your Doctor saying you can drink while on it, but my Doctor agreed with yours. I don’t think you should jump to any conclusions that your doctor gave you bad advice. If you are still uncomfortable, abstain from drinking until you can talk to her again (so call) and ask about the conflicting signals you’re receiving.

    4. Yeah, I have a beer or two on it and have also gotten drunk once on it. My doctor also said it’s OK but I would absolutely abstain until you’re not on both and are adjusted to the Wellbutrin.

      1. Also, glad you’re getting off Zoloft but even after a low dose, the first few weeks going from Zoloft to Wellbutrin sucked. My anxiety was WAY worse. My depression was worse. Everything felt awful.

        It evened out after a few weeks on Wellbutrin, which I take at night (I take XR) because when I took it in the morning I was up until 3 or 3:30. We think it was because of how the impact of the med goes up over many hours. Now when I take it the activated peak is midday rather than midnight.

        1. Thank you for the info!! Did you take Zoloft and Wellbutrin together before switching entirely to Wellbutrin? Apparently this overlap is supposed to avoid the negative side effects you had switching.

          1. Yes. I’m super super sensitive to meds so we think that had something to do with it. I overlapped as we took me off Zoloft but it was still tough.

        2. thanks for posting this – WB is working well for me but I take it in the morning and find myself too energic at night. Will try taking it right before bed.

    5. Yes, I drank socially. I wouldn’t drink more than that, and I would definitely not QUIT heavy drinking while on bupropion because of seizure risk. I waited till I had been on it a while and followed my doctor’s advice. By the way, you may notice that you get no buzz or don’t care to drink much while you’re on it anyway.

      I’ve noticed that some sources have been crying wolf lately by translating “interaction” into “contraindication.” There are a lot of drugs that interact without therefore being contraindicated (sometimes the interaction is the whole point of taking them!). I think this is happening also with drugs and alcohol. I take a med that actually counteracts alcohol. It’s always been regarded as safe to take with alcohol. But recently I saw it was listed as contraindicated, and I can only assume this is why. It’s confusing and misleading because other meds are very seriously contraindicated.

    6. I have no issues drinking and take Wellbutrin daily. Not sure about how dosage impacts it, but that’s my experience.

    7. Yes, I do, and have not noticed any problems. I drink less though, now that I’m not depressed.

    8. I wouldn’t recommend drinking on Wellbutrin until you adjust to it. It lowered my tolerance big-time (not that mine has ever been that high) especially at the beginning.

      1. Thanks. I had the same experience with Zoloft when I started it but then after being on it a few months I was fine. I’m not a heavy drinker but I like to sit on my deck w/ my neighbor and have a glass of wine once or twice/week.

  15. What is everyone’s personal approach to resuming social activities post COVID? I would love help thinking through an impasse in my relationship on this topic.

    My SO is pushing for a return to the full extent of what our state allows, while i’m much more comfortable keeping us at takeout + outdoor hang-outs with friends and don’t feel like I’m lacking much socially with that approach. His attitude is that we’re eventually going to get it, so we should stop trying to hide from something that is effectively a certainty. I suspect that he’s a bit inured to this since he’s an ICU doctor who has been dealing with it for months. The real sticking point in our disagreement is hanging out with friends indoors. Technically allowed by the state for groups of less than 10, but I suspect our governor was envisioning a suburban home when he said that, not a one bedroom apartment. I would love thoughts on what others are doing or perspectives that could help reframe this problem since we feel like we just can’t see eye to eye here and have no path to resolution.

    1. The people on this board weighing in to “reframe” this problem is not going to change your SO’s mind. You are both really clear on the issue and simply disagree – can’t you just hang out together with friends outdoors and he can choose to hang out inside with friends and you can choose not to? You don’t have to be together for every hang out and you don’t have to force each other to agree / do the same thing.

      This is like the #3 on Senior Attorney’s list which doesn’t exist.

      1. Oh yeah, we can and would be doing our socializing separately with different friends. Logistically, it seems unfair that he would have friends over on a Saturday night and in order to respect my own preferences I’d be stuck in the bedroom of our apartment so that they could hang out together in our living/dining/kitchen room and then I would frankly not feel super comfortable being in that room for a day or two afterwards. (My friends are also more conservative, so selfishly, I know that some would elect not to even see me outside if they knew that he was doing this).

        1. “Logistically, it seems unfair that he would have friends over on a Saturday night and in order to respect my own preferences I’d be stuck in the bedroom of our apartment so that they could hang out together in our living/dining/kitchen room and then I would frankly not feel super comfortable being in that room for a day or two afterwards.”

          I’m sorry to say this but this sounds bananas to me. Just crazy. Are you over 65? If you are not, do you realize you’re far more likely to die in a car crash driving to the outdoor space where you’re going to meet your friends than you are to die of Covid-19? This is anxiety talking, pure and simple. There is no factual or practical basis or need for you to be this cautious. Especially because your SO works in an ICU and comes home every day probably covered in germs! You aren’t worried about that but you’re so worried about Covid that you wouldn’t want go into the living room for days after he had friends over? Girlfriend…

          1. Don’t call people crazy. That does not contribute to the conversation. Everyone has their own risk tolerance, and people who do not have exactly your own are not “crazy.” They’re cautious.

          2. I’m well aware of the risks that living presents. To your point specifically, we don’t have a car – we live in downtown in a small city and walk everywhere to see our friends (so no need to raise public transportation concerns either), but thanks for your concern about car safety!

        2. Can you compromise that he does his indoor socializing at other people’s houses? You agree to disagree but don’t have people over in your shared 1 bedroom apt.

          1. That is not a “compromise,” it’s a concession. They live together, so when he catches the virus at an indoor gathering he’s going to give it to her.

          2. “That is not a “compromise,” it’s a concession. They live together, so when he catches the virus at an indoor gathering he’s going to give it to her.”

            Please see below the whooooole thread about Housecounsel testing negative for Covid antibodies despite living with, and caring for, her daughter, who tested positive and was symptomatic. And the subsequent comments explaining that it is not assured that if someone gets Covid they will spread it to their cohabitors. It would be great if just once, you post something that is based in evidence instead of fear.

          3. He’s an ICU doctor, THAT seems like the much bigger risk than socializing with friends indoors. Also there’s a lot of evidence/cases where people in the same household actually do not get it. Him getting it does not mean she automatically will.

    2. I’m with you, I don’t see why indoor socializing is necessary when you can see your friends just fine outdoors.
      That said, DH and I have been arguing a lot about what level of risk is ok, and I’m the less risk averse one. I’m fine sticking to outdoor activities, but I would really like to take my poor bored kid to some playgrounds/splash pads/outdoor zoos this summer and DH is not on board. My feeling is that he doesn’t have to participate in any activity he’s not comfortable with, but I should have the right to do what I want with the kid so long as I’m not breaking any laws/public health guidance from the state, which I’m not. But of course he points out (correctly) that if we got sick, he would be very likely to get sick too. It’s tough…

      1. Have been having the same argument with my DH as well. Only, I’m arguing to be able to go to the grocery store again and eventually be able to see my family again. We’ve been getting everything delivered and have barely left our apartment since Mid-March. We’re incredibly privileged to be able to hole up like this for this long, but I need some autonomy and normalcy…

      2. Maybe fast-forward a little. Are you keeping kiddo home in the fall (if school aged) or group care? Or is kid going to live a Flowers in the Attic life for a while, shut away from the world? If he can’t go to the Zoo, what, realistically, can he do? Ever? For the next 2ish years? The logical conclusion if his thinking would be neglect under normal circumstances and if you aren’t even going to the zoo, what does that mean for your kid?

        And, honestly, we may get sick. Your kid will get sick from other things, too. Your kid will recover. You may get sick. You should recover. If I am getting sick from the Zoo, we are all doomed. But I don’t think that that is the case. Or will be the case. But if any of you becomes gravely ill, there is care for your should you need it. But I think that for kids, life for them needs to be better and we ought to try for that. It is a low bar.

        [Honestly, there are legit things to worry about, but is it possible that this is more rooted in needless anxiety than facts at this point?]

        2. He’s agreed to daycare when it opens (although that’s a huge ? – it’s not opening before the fall and even that seems very tentative), but that’s different because we both work and need childcare. He feels we should mitigate unnecessary risks, and he sees the zoo as much less necessary than daycare, which I agree with (though it’s certainly also much less risky).
          You’re preaching to the choir to me :) I’m well aware the risks to kids are extremely minimal, and am not worried about our child getting the virus. That said, our kid is young enough that she’s equally happy playing with us in the backyard as going to the zoo, so I don’t think depriving her of the zoo is some kind of torture. I do worry very much about what 1-2 years without contact with other kids will do to her, but only daycare can solve that issue, and unfortunately it’s not within our control.

    3. My approach is to be cautious. Even if we all get it eventually … the later the better when it comes to developing treatments, etc, right? I also think in this standoff, the course of action should default to the person who wants to be safer (within reason). Won’t he feel responsible if you get sick doing something against your own best judgment for him?

    4. I honestly am not leaving my house if at all possible. I’m not one of the people who commonly weighs in on this, because other people are gonna do what other people are gonna do. But I have a number of risk factors, my husband is older than me by 10 years, and for those reasons I’m actually hoping not to get it before the vaccine is out/we have herd immunity. That means I’m personally going to be super careful for as long as I can.

      Unlike what other people have described as their experience, being home is not driving me crazy. I work 100% from home and my major adaptation is getting things delivered that I used to go out and get for myself.

      I would love to see my friends in person but I’ve been enjoying zooming with them. One friend group gets together more often on zoom than we were ever able to pre-COVID so that is sort of a silver lining.

      Just my experience.

      1. I’m curious — do you have young kids at home? I could go into Hermit Mode if I were solo in this world, but my kids have no special health concerns and at this point I feel that sustained inside-ness is actually harming them but would be more neutral for a grownup fully engaged in WFH (or content in a retirement of reading, cooking, TV watching, bird-watching, etc.). We are thinking of getting a dog (long discussed) finally to help their mental health and will be sending them to outdoor nature camps.

        2. Sorry I didn’t really answer your question. I think most of us find that our little kids who pester us all of the time turn into pre-teens who sulk in their rooms all day long and show up in the kitchen every once in a while like a ghost sighting.

          My kids are high school and first year of college age. Their school has been online and, particularly for my younger who is a gamer, his friends are online too. He has been perfectly fine with this. We have given him some household responsibilities that get him out of his room – otherwise we’d never see him. I always say he’s a natural indoor pet.

          My older, the college freshman, has been very bummed that her college experience has been curtailed. She will also not be attending live classes in the fall (CSU system.) She is the one person in our household who leaves, and we bicker quite a bit about this. In her dramatic 19 year old way, we apparently invented COVID-19 to keep her in lockdown and ruin her life. Not literally, but that’s how she comes across sometimes.

          Her outside activity has been limited to 6 foot minimum distances hikes with her friends who have also been sent home from college. She has also gone to visit her college boyfriend who is now living with his parents, 1 hour away. We struggled with this but basically consider that we have joined households with his family and are comfortable that they’re quarantining at about our level. She stays there 2 weeks at a time and then stays 1-2 weeks here.

          Keeping her happy but safe has been our most intense juggling act of this whole experience.

          1. If she visits her boyfreind from college for 2 weeks at a time, it is likely they are gardening. The key to you not being at risk is to ensure that when she comes home that you maintain social distance for enough time, and have her tell her boyfreind that he cannot be close to anyone out of his family’s immediate circle, meaning no other freinds in their circle. I do not have this problem, b/c I do not garden with any one and only spend time with Myrna, and she does not garden with anyone when she goes home.

      2. +1. Same here. My wife is 15 years older than I am and has some lung issues that concern us about her vulnerability to Covid. We have almost entirely stayed at home since mid-March and I’m in no hurry to change anything.

    5. Generally I side with – the more conservative approach should win out. BUT. You say DH is a doctor on the front lines? Seems like you’ve been way more exposed by virtue of living with him than you would be by doing game night with one or two other couples? You absolutely shouldn’t do anything that makes you uncomfortable, though.

      Personally, I’m not that concerned compared to others here. I wouldn’t go to a football game or packed concert if those were happening. But I would happily go to restaurants if I thought it would be a pleasant experience. I’m looking forward to beer gardens and the like.

    6. Personal – obeying local laws, but not going beyond them. E.g., masks are required when going into stores. That means I dutifully do so, but when the risk of transmission (by me, or to me) is very low – like a walk or bike ride with my husband – I am not wearing one.

      That said, I am not going out of my way to rush to the full extent of what is permitted. Why increase your own risk unnecessarily by gathering in the largest possible group indoors? The more time that passes, the more we learn about treatment, so given the combination of nice weather + lower risk of staying outside, that’s an easy choice for me to make.

      1. Can someone explain why this went to m-d? I’ve been commenting with this name and email for – a decade at this point?

    7. I’m not in any rush to get sick. Even IF we may all get it eventually, I’d rather have that happen much later in the game when we know more about potential treatments and clinical protocols that will benefit me and protect the doctors and nurses around me. I’m not going back to the office because that is the biggest, daily risk for me, but I may pick up more outdoor hobbies far from others before then.

    8. Let me reframe this: your SO has been on the front lines for months, and now wants to at least enjoy company in a relatively normal way as allowed under your state’s rules. (There’s no requirement that you have a big house. How classist.) That’s not a big ask.

    9. I think my approach is more like yours – my state just moved phases on Friday, so I’m taking a very cautious approach. No desire whatsoever to eat at restaurants, but OK with socializing with small groups of 1-2 other families outside and fewer than 10 people total. Declined an invitation for an outside kids birthday party as I don’t like the idea of 6+ families being represented. Did try an outdoor socially distanced fitness class (at least 10 feet from every person during the class and no shared equipment). I’ve gone into a grocery or other store every ~1-2 weeks since this started, but we get most groceries and other items delivered. I’m basically following current state guidance and then being maybe 25% more conservative than most people I know.

    10. Thanks for all the thoughts! I really appreciate having a sounding board of other thoughtful people to inform my own decisions.

    11. Who are his friends who want to socialize indoors in close quarters with an ICU doctor!?! Half kidding, but seriously, I’m not that scared of the virus, and fully expect to get it myself (probably many times, since it’s quite likely to become an endemic seasonal virus) but I would not be eager to get super close to a doctor on the front lines treating patients right now. I’d be traveling on airplanes and staying in hotels and stuff like that long before I’d be hanging out in 1 bedroom apartments with ICU doctors.

      1. Agree with this. I’m a little surprised he isn’t concerned about potentially exposing other people. That being said, I’ve found that some of my friend who are in healthcare/first responders/essential jobs are more desensitized (or less overly sensitized?) to the potential risk than office workers who have been WFH for a long time. I’m not sure who is right.

  16. On the advice of my FIL and against my instincts (since we’re 30+ years from retirement), DH and I took our money out of the stock market in mid-March. We didn’t sell at the lowest point, but pretty close. It was obviously a big mistake and we’re agreed we won’t listen to his father on financial matters again. Not looking for judgment about what happened in the past, only advice about what to do now. Would you put the money back in the market immediately? That’s my instinct because I feel like it’s impossible to time the market, but at the same time there are a bunch of recent headlines saying a crash is coming.

    2. I’d wait. But I have no expertise. Can you find a better way to get information? FIL was not it, news articles might be better but you’re kind of gambling based on recent headlines … if you’re not motivated to read the articles and try to understand the indicators … Maybe you need to hire someone or something?

    3. No expert, but I’m waiting. I think that the factors weigh in favor of another crash.

      1. So this is trying to time the market which every expert would tell you is absolutely foolish.

        1. Buying now now now or with unfounded strategies of a little every week/month is just as foolish. Common sense and historical data tells us it’s going to dip, so there’s no reason to rush in. She has 30+ years to invest — and of course she should learn what she’s doing first.

        2. The world is literally on fire right now and conventional wisdom/the experts say wait.

    4. If you are 30 years from retirement, you have a long horizon to make up losses. If you are uncomfortable putting it all back in now, you could put 10% in each month for the next 10 months, for example.

    5. When do you plan to use the money / retire? I do not think we will retire for 25+ years so I am still contributing to the stock market via index funds. I am assuming that there will be multiple recessions before I retire. My bet is that the market will overall increase over the next decades. The fluctuations don’t bother me.

    6. We not divide the money up into weekly amounts (or bi weekly) and invest a portion each Friday? Some weeks the market may be running higher, other weeks the market may be lower. Also, make sure you keep records of your losses so that you can apply those against gains in the future.

      1. THIS. Dollar cost averaging. Set up a weekly or monthly investment to start putting stuff back in the market. If there’s a crash, speed things up. You could also set up Stop Limit buys or whatever Kat wrote about a while ago.

    7. It’s almost never the answer to move “all” the money at once in either direction. Look up “dollar cost averaging” to understand why sudden large moves in a volatile market are much riskier than gradual moves over time.
      Get a financial advisor.

    8. Are you the person who posted here about your FIL’s bad advice, everyone told you not to listen to it, you said you weren’t going to, and now you’re posting this?

        1. Ugh yeah, it wasn’t. OP, sorry for being rude – not your fault I’m in a bad mood today. What I should’ve said was that I know in the past, you said you weren’t going to listen to FIL, so maybe what you need to focus on now is building up your own knowledge and/or getting a financial advisor so you have other information streams. I’ve found it’s easy to default to people I know aren’t giving the best advice when I don’t have good alternatives ready. Hopefully you’ll be able to stick to your guns and tune out his bad advice. I also am a big proponent of index funds. Good luck!

    9. I think it depends on how much you’re talking about and what your goals are. Depending on how much and where you are, it may make sense to turn it into a different kind of investment asset (buying property for example), or to cut your losses and reinvest in a different kind of way in the market (fund v individual stocks). Hard to advise without more info.

    10. I would put it back in. I would do mutual funds rather than individual stocks or bonds. I would not try to time the market, but if you want to spread out the timing risk you could divide the money into four and invest each fourth quarterly until it’s all back in. Smile, nod and ignore FIL’s stock market advice for the foreseeable future. This kind of thing happens to a lot of us. Don’t feel bad, just learn what you can and move forward.

    11. Research has shown passive investing (basically leaving your investments alone in an index fund) beats active investing (trying to time the market and/or beat the market with risky stock picks). I would not listen to your FIL or any financial advisor. Keep contributing to your retirement and as long as you put your money in a low cost index fund (e.g. one that tracks the S&P 500 index, for example), you will come out ahead. In terms of what to do with the money sitting on the sidelines now, you can reinvest a small portion every month (e.g. 10-20%) aiming to be fully re-invested by year-end.

      1. Isn’t okay to wait a bit during a global emergency when your cash is already out? She’s got decades to leave it alone once she’s in, but why aim to enter when it’s likely to suffer an immediate (relatively) loss? Genuine question.

  17. Can we talk shorts? I’m a curvy 16 and really struggle with them. Specifically, the legs riding up into my crotch. I tried shorter, longer, looser, tighter- nothing seems to help. I have short legs and think a 5 or 7 inch inseam is most flattering but the bunching is so annoying!

      1. I’m not the OP, but as someone who is a similar size, what are your go to skorts of choice? TIA

      2. Are there cute skorts? I’m not necessarily opposed but I don’t want to be rocking a middle aged midwestern mom in the 90s look.

    2. There were a couple of posts on this in the last few weeks. Try searching for “shorts” and “curvy” – I bet that will turn them up.

    3. Wit & Wisdom are my favorites — if you get the longer inseams you can roll them to where you want.

    4. Hi, size 14, 5’4” and with thunder thighs here. I have really fallen in love with the drawstring linen shorts that have become popular recently. They do ride up a bit on me from time to time but fall back down easily, and they’re supposed to look wrinkled so no harm there. I bought mine on The River Site but have also seen them at Nordstrom.

  18. Unsolicited lip balm recommendation. I have super dry peeley lips that bleed, I’ve tried a loooot of lip balms out there. Thought Leneige lip mask was my HG for a while even though I would still occasionally have severely dry lips. I found my actual HG, it’s Dr. Dan’s Cortibalm. There is such immediate relief, my lips are hydrated and normal when I use it consistently, and if I go one day without I notice a really unpleasant difference. And it’s super cheap.

    2. Oh, yes, that stuff is magic. I started using it on a recommendation from here years ago and it got me through !Accutane! when nothing else could.

    3. Late response, but thanks for the recommendation. It seems to have 1% hydrocortisone which is a steroid. Any contraindications or downside to worry about?

  19. Is anyone planning to attend the march in Houston today? I’m not sure how this works in a socially distanced world. Going to wear a mask. I think my garage downtown will be blocked by protests but I don’t want to Uber because that feels far from safe in light of covid. Finding the logistics challenging but I also think it’s important to show up since I can.

    Since this one will be held with George Floyd’s family I’m hoping it will remain peaceful.

    1. You’re worried about exposure in an Uber when you’re planning to go to a protest? If you want to go, recognize that you are opting in to a big exposure event and that you are increasing the risk to yourself and to your community.

      1. To be fair, it’s much harder for the virus to spread outside in fresh air than indoors so I’m not sure an outdoor protest with thousands of people is actually riskier than an indoor car ride with one person. That said, if the Uber driver is wearing a mask (which I assume they would be) I don’t think it’s a huge risk.

        1. oh no, I’m worried about the exposure at the march too. Trying to mitigate risk where I can, even if marginally. I think DH is going to give me a ride, which will help solve one issue!

        2. No, protests are thought to be a big risk site. People are amped up, yelling (spraying droplets), likely to get caught in the moment and not maintain distance, can get herded into small spaces by the cops, you might tear off your mask if you get tear gassed or even just overheated, etc. If you want to go, go, but don’t mistake the risk to you and those around you. It’s serious – and a lot of these protests started out peaceful and didn’t stay that way so don’t assume that yours is going to be different.

          1. Oh, absolutely! We should all just forget about showing solidarity with our black and brown brothers and sisters who are advocating for change and speaking truth to power about systemic racism, and instead cower in our houses because we are afraid of a virus that has a .5% fatality rate and kills almost no one under 50. That will definitely make the conservative racist establishment folks happy, because they love it when white people are too scared to stand with black and brown people and reinforce messages about ending racism and police brutality. Congratulations, Anon at 11:29; you are everything the Trump administration and the conservative establishment would want you to be. Not only are you too afraid to protest yourself, you are doing their good work in trying to scare and or/shame other people into being too scared to protest as well. Great job.

            OP – I would walk if you can walk. Even if you Uber to where the protests are, you may not be able to Uber home. Wear a well-fitting mask and take an extra in case yours gets torn off or lost. If you have gloves, wear gloves. Make sure you keep identification and a method of payment or cash on you (no bags). Try to stay distanced as much as you can but realize that the cops in many cities are intentionally herding people together (to beat or tear gas them) and invading people’s space. Stay safe out there. Thank you for marching. If I was in Houston we could go together.

          2. Wow, someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed and doesn’t understand public health. I’ve posted the organizations I’ve donated to upthread if you want to go read about what readers are doing to help from home.

          3. And don’t forget that it’s black and brown people who are already suffering, and will continue to suffer, the most from this pandemic.

          4. Actually accusing someone of “cower(ing) in our houses because we are afraid of a virus that has a .5% fatality rate and kills almost no one under 50” is what’s straight out of the Trump playbook, because Trump supporters don’t understand public health or math. Hope that helps.

          5. “Actually accusing someone of “cower(ing) in our houses because we are afraid of a virus that has a .5% fatality rate and kills almost no one under 50” is what’s straight out of the Trump playbook, because Trump supporters don’t understand public health or math. Hope that helps.”

            No, LaurenB, it does not. But you speak, and live, from such a place of white privilege that I don’t fault you for not understanding what’s at stake here. It’s like trying to explain the sun to someone who has lived underground their entire lives. You have made it clear repeatedly that all you care about is Coronavirus and people’s adherence to “the rules” and have posted over and over again tone-deaf/snarky/histrionic responses to anything anyone has posted about the quarantine that does not adhere to your interpretation of what they “should” be doing. You had a moment of clarity and humility a couple of weeks ago where you seemed to realize what you were doing and how it was coming across. I’m really sorry that didn’t stick.

          6. You’re right, LaurenB: everyone who disagrees with you is stupid and worthy of being belittled.

    2. We’ve seen that the protests are devolving into rioting, looting, and arson. I’m not saying that all the protesters are doing this, but that this is what is happening. If you attend a protest now, you are condoning the peaceful and the non-peaceful parts. You are also going against CDC advice for slowing the spread of this virus. Have you internalized this?

      There are many ways to support the ending police violence, and that’s what I’m doing. In my view, working on demilitarization of the police, and body cameras, and transparency of police unions and complaints will bring lasting change.

      1. Houston has largely not been nearly as violent as other cities, partially because the black mayor and hispanic police of chief are understanding of the movement instead of promoting their policemen to incite crowds on purpose like other cities. Like everyone here, we are all measuring risks. Thank you for donating and pushing the demilitarization of the police, etc. but the protests are necessary for a lot of us who are part of the community being targeted by police. If OP measures her age, vulnerable people she lives with, her health, chances of catching covid and the importance of protesting to her, if protesting wins out, that’s completely on her and her choice to make.
        Honestly if I were 25 with no health issues living with similarly aged people, I’d be right out there with her.

        1. So OP shouldn’t consider the impact on other people not in her own household? I’ve seen that a ton on this site – that if you personally aren’t high-risk, or your mom’s not high-risk, attending events is A-OK. It isn’t. In fact, she’ll be increasing the risk for the most at-risk populations in this country by attending.

          1. I’m sorry you don’t feel like the current movement to preserve black lives and end police brutality is more important than theoretical transmission risk of a disease that doesn’t kill very many people it infects. I am sorry you apparently speak from such a place of privilege that you don’t understand why this IS a life or death issue to the folks in the streets. If you’ve never been harassed by the police or had a loved one be victimized, I’m happy for you. Maybe, for one second, try imagining what it would be like to be in the shoes of someone who has watched people who look like them be murdered by the police over and over and over, just in the last five years. It’s also incredibly paternalistic and condescending for you to express concern about populations who you deem to be at-risk but aren’t willing to support philosophically. I think folks in the “most at-risk populations” you’re referencing would rather have your support than the patronizing concern you’re expressing from behind the safety of your computer.

      2. “If you attend a protest now, you are condoning the peaceful and the non-peaceful parts.

        Um, no. What on earth is your logical basis for this statement?

        1. Protests are turning into riots, looting, and arson. If there were no protests, the opportunity for rioting, looting, and arson wouldn’t be created. Or, if random people just started rioting and looting, they’d be arrested. Therefore, if you participate in protests that you now know have X probability of turning into rioting and looting, you are complicit. Actions have consequences.

          1. If there were no unjustified murders of black people by the police there would be no protest. Actions have consequences. Fixed it for you.

    3. Park nearby (off Washington, Allen Parkway, etc.) and walk the half mile to mile into downtown to avoid the Uber. Seeing as this is a march endorsed by a lot of established orgs, encouraged by the Mayor and chief of police to stay respectful, and involves the man’s family, it will likely be more quiet and peaceful than not, and nearly everyone is wearing masks and staying far apart – it actually makes the protest look larger with people 6 ft apart. If you see photos from Houston’s earlier protests people are pretty spread apart. Wear your masks, move away from people that aren’t and proceed safely. I think you’ll be fine.

  20. I’m having a random zoom hangout for my birthday…has anyone done one and have any tips for making it more fun? People don’t know each other at all and it will probably be some kind of chaos…

    1. It depends on how many people are joining, but my group likes to play games with jackbox.tv – it does require people to have two screens though (one to see the game and one to see others). This would be too chaotic with a large group and the games have player limits also (8 I think).

    2. I went to a Zoom birthday party with a trivia game about the guy with the birthday and that was the best Zoom event I’ve attended. It was nice to have some structure and purpose.

    3. Have some sort of set up where everyone gets a turn answering a thoughtful question or doing the trivia suggested or something…so everyone feels and is heard which will make everyone enjoy it more. YMMV but maybe ask everyone ahead of time to keep the COVID talk to a minimum, my least favorite zooms are when we start spiraling down when schools are going to open etc and basically topics that make me anxious vs cause enjoyment.

    4. I’ve done Two Truths and a Lie as a fun thing to have handy if conversation seems forced or on too serious topics. Let people know about this or whatever game in advance, if possible.

      For a birthday, I think asking people to make a festive hat & awarding a prize to the best one would be fun!

  21. A job posting came up at my workplace. I have worked here for just under a year, and the new position is because the Teapot Manager is leaving. I worked for 8 years doing teapots before I was hired for an unrelated position at this company, which was also a manager position. However, I haven’t actually gotten transferred my employee yet! (I have never actually managed anyone, and my manager indicated it would happen in 4-ish months). The Teapot team are people I like and work well with, but Teapots are actually really stressful compared to my current position. I take teapots very personally, whereas the current position triggers my emotions less. In terms of my career, it would probably make more sense to work as a Teapot Manager, especially because I haven’t started managing anyone in my current position yet! However, I’m new to this type of position and don’t particularly feel like transferring out yet.
    I guess I would like some empathy, and that it’s okay to lean out — or in this case, lean into something new, even though I am good at teapots? What would you do? Has anyone been in a similar position?

      1. Teapots are an Ask a Manager euphemism for any type of role, but I am also struggling to follow the question here.

        I think the OP is asking “should I or should I not seek a lateral move this soon into my tenure at Current Employer, when (1) the reason for the move would be prior experience as an individual contributor in the area that the manager role is vacating, (2) it is logical because I haven’t even been assigned any reports in my current theoretically management position, but (3) I tend to find the subject matter more passionate and stress inducing and am enjoying having a lower-stress role.”

        I can see making the decision either way – not everyone has to find passion at work – but if there’s greater job security in Teapot Management than whatever the current area is, it’s worth thinking about.

      2. Teapots are a common term on Ask a Manager, subbed in for the product or service that the employer provides.

        It is OK to lean out. Quality of life matters. I am in a management position, but I really like designing teapots more than managing a team of teapot designers. It’s OK if you do, too.

    3. It sounds like you’re newer to the company and in a position that you’re still getting up to speed in – and that will be a growth position for you since you’ll have an opportunity to manage people for the first time. Further, it sounds like you’re not that interested in moving back into teapots but feel like you “should.” If that’s the only motivation and you’re otherwise OK in your current role, I would stay where you are.
      I recognize “teapots” as a euphemism from Ask A Manager – e.g., in this case OP may be in the coffee pot department and she’s considering a transfer into teapots. Llama grooming is another AAM euphemism, in case that one comes up.

  22. So I just got my COVID-19 antibody testing results back. I went to Labcorps; no doctor’s order needed. I was sure I had antibodies since my daughter had a confirmed case. My test was negative for antibodies. I am shocked and have been disavowed of the notion that I have been strutting around (figuratively speaking and within social distancing guidelines) immune for the past two months. I know this test is not 100% accurate but I am disappointed, and nervous. I really wasn’t before. My husband is getting tested today. I am curious to see is he is negative as well.

    1. Why on earth would you think you have antibodies if you were never ill? Asymptotic cases are not that common, especially in people who are middle-aged and older. There’s also increasing evidence that people who have mild cases like your daughter aren’t that infectious.

      But personally I wouldn’t be devastated by this news. You lived with someone who had Covid and didn’t get it. That means your hygiene precautions are working, and you’re not going to get it from casual contact outside. For all the talk of how contagious this virus is, I know 4 people who’ve had confirmed Covid cases and precisely zero of their household members got ill. I think there’s truth that some people are super spreaders who will give it to dozens of people, and a lot of people (kids and young adults especially) won’t really spread it to anyone, even family members.

      1. I was under the impression that asymptomatic cases were common. I am willing to admit I was wrong.

        1. I think your thinking is correct, but that may be more true in the most crowded urban centers where people take transit and have a lot more opportunities for spread. And your daughter is otherwise healthy and young, vs a very sick nursing home patient who may be pumping out a huge viral load. I guess that is the conundrum — nursing home spread and subway spread vs non-spread with close contact.

        2. It’s more that people who test positive while asymptotic are actually pre-symptomatic.

          1. Yes, this. There’s a huge distinction between people who will get sick (possibly severely) but aren’t YET sick, and people who will never get sick. The former, which is better termed pre-symptomatic, is a huge force in driving transmission, while it’s unclear how much, if at all, the latter group spreads the virus. South Korea and some other countries that have tested really widely have found a fair number of truly asymptomatic people under 30, but it becomes less and less common the older you are.

      2. I think that there is a ton of asymptomatic spread (e.g., the Santa Clara study). But I haven’t been near a sick person, let alone sharing space with one. Sharing space with a known sick person seems like it should have given you antibodies (from exposure) at minimum. One of my kiddos had the flu and I had a mild case of it from caring for her even though I had had the shot.

        It is curious. And a data point reminding us that we don’t know a lot (so for when schools reopen, perhaps this is good to know? Sick young person =/= sick older person in their household).

        My antibody test is coming up (part of regular blood donation protocol now in case they can get convalescent plasma) and if I am + it will be just from plane travel or conference going in Feb.

      3. In response to your first question, assuming it’s genuine and not intended to be unkind, it’s some sort of basic psychology that people have hope/wishful thinking/fill in gaps of information to come to conclusions. In no way is the OP alone or unreasonable in this. It might not always be logical, but it’s a basic function of humanity that this happens. I wish I knew more about this. Isn’t it fascinating?

    2. I also got an antibody test at Labcorp and was confident I had Covid in early March, before a test was accessible. I was also negative.

      1. Also just want to add this test cost $10 and the tech who did the blood draw had full PPE, so I don’t feel there was a downside.

      2. Same here. I was super sick in early March (to the point where I had to get a chest x-ray), had fatigue, shortness of breath, chills, incessant coughing, etc. Just had the antibody test through Labcorp and it was negative. My doc says the antibody test is a bit hit or miss but at this point I think what I had was severe bronchitis or something. (I’m kind of disappointed.)

      3. Spouse reports that everyone in his hospital who took an antibody test bc they coughed in February and were convinced they’d had Covid turned out negative. There’s a lot of wishful thinking going on re wanting the get out of jail free card.

        1. This is what I’ve heard too. I also heard there was a lot of stuff going around this winter. Some people in my life who were tested after a protracted illness were negative for covid and positive for swine flu, for one example.

    3. This is why I don’t want to do antibody testing right now. There is a possibility that I had mild COVID symptoms in early March (in NYC where people are now thinking it was spreading rapidly at that time), but it also could have been something else. It provides a small amount of comfort / reduces my fear of infection (although I’m obviously taking social distancing seriously, wearing a mask at all times outside my house, etc.). If the testing isn’t all that accurate, I just don’t see a reason to test myself now, since if it’s positive, I’ll think it might be wrong, and if it’s negative, I think I would be much more fearful of the risk of infection (exacerbated by underlying anxiety).
      Not sure how to help you, but just know that I think your reaction is understandable…

      1. This is my thinking as well. My husband and I both had symptoms consistent with COVID in late February/early March. We both travel a lot, live in New York City and have coworkers that tested positive. So not crazy to think we had it. But the tests aren’t super accurate so I’m not sure I see much value in finding out.

      2. Same here – my whole family was severely sick at the end of Feb, with all the covid symptoms even including pink eye, except my young son got tested at the time and was positive for Influenza A. Could some of the rest of us have had Covid? Maybe, we’d just come back from an international trip. Could he have had both, and that’s why he was so severe? Who knows.

        But a test would tell us nothing at this point. A positive could still be wrong, a negative could still be wrong. I’m waiting for an accurate, reliable test, and in the meantime I’ll continue to assume we could be asymptomatic carriers. But a lot of people who think they had it are forgetting that this was a really severe flu season until we all sheltered in place and so many of the initial symptoms are similar.

        (Obviously covid is much different than the flu. Severity, treatment, and testing availability to start. My son got tamiflu and IV treatment and recovered fairly quickly.)

    4. The community spread study in a hot spot in Germany concluded that even within households, there is only a 60% chance that people give the virus to each other. Sounds like you could be a member of the 40%. On the other hand, these tests really do have a high false pos/neg rate, so who knows. Assuming you don’t have antibodies is probably better for your vigilance (not accusing you of anything other than being human), better than the other way around witha false positive. Idk if that’s a silver lining here.

    5. I’ve said it here before but I’ll say it again, just because you have antibodies doesn’t mean you have immunity. Doctors still don’t know how many COVID-19 antibodies one needs to be considered immune, nor do they know how long that immunity lasts. Even if the test was positive, all it would confirm is that you had COVID at some point in the recent past.

      1. This. I very much wanted a test. Had other blood work yesterday and my doctor talked me out of it. There is a high false negative rate so negatives don’t mean anything. Positive means you have had it but it shouldn’t change your behavior at all. They don’t know if next time you will have it easier or worse or if there even would be a next time. The only thing it helps is public health determine where outbreaks were. Since contact tracing is super underfunded, it’s likely the test helps nothing.

        1. My understanding is that false positives are almost as common, if not just as common, as false negatives. A positive test doesn’t confirm with certainty that you’ve had Covid, although if I’d had symptoms and a family member was also positive for antibodies, I would be more likely to trust it.

        2. Right! And before anyone gets mad, I am all in favor of donating plasma if you can; it’s experimental, but seems to be working, so getting tested for that purpose is fine. As is participating in medical research about antibodies so doctors can figure all this out, if that’s even a thing (I’m not a doctor). But getting tested because you want to prove you’re immune, and thus able to resume normal activities, is not a good idea.

    6. Just joining in to say, same. I had COVID symptoms in late February through early March, and about one week later there were several confirmed cases in my office (in a hot spot) among people with whom I had been working closely. My mom and husband also got mildly sick shortly after I did. I was SURE I had it, but my antibody test was negative. But that could mean anything, right? Test could be false; maybe I was sick with COVID but never had a high antibody load; maybe what I had was just a really bad flu. I have accepted that the tests are pretty meaningless.

  23. Does anyone else feel like they have entire years of their lives where they’re just F’ing around and distracted? I’ve been in a loop for a while and trying to get myself out of it. Any tips?

    1. Honestly, for me it took therapy, realizing I was actually quite depressed, and then taking anti-depressants.

  24. Is anyone else noticing posts completely disappearing and then coming back a while later?

    1. I believe it disappears when it’s flagged by one or more people pressing “report comment” and then if Kat determines that it’s appropriate, it comes back.

    2. Interesting. Yes, I responded to someone asking what they meant on a reply to my comment and it appears to have disappeared. My original response is still there but her reply and my question are gone. Looks like the nested comments below also disappear .

  25. I have a call into my doctor and I will 100% defer to medical advice as soon as I can get it, but can someone put me at ease in the near term or give me some questions to ask my doctor based on personal experience: I’m having brief dizzy spells with increased frequency. Sometimes they are 1-2 seconds and I’m seated, so it’s no big deal. Sometimes I’m walking around and I need to hold something to stabilize myself, which takes a little longer. The spells are brief and pass. Maybe 1x/day at this point.

    No other underlying issues. 35 year old, a little over weight but otherwise healthy. I’m fed and hydrated when these happen, no changes from seating to standing when they happen (so presumably not BP related).

    What do I need to ask my doctor about in order to get to the bottom of it and not just be dismissed as hormonal or something else bogus (I like my PCP but I’m nervous it’ll just be ‘nothing’).

    1. I get those from low blood pressure (I believe, since I have lower than average BP, but have never been able to actually measure my BP during a dizzy spell). Doesnt have to be changing from seated to standing. Sometimes they come when I’m just walking or sitting.

      1. +1 happened to me a ton while pregnant and my BP was very low then. Staying super hydrated (like so hydrated your pee is never anything but clear) helped.

    2. Pay attention to any other symptoms you have at the same time (racing heart? Vision changes?), and try to think of additional words to help describe “dizzy.” Dizzy can mean many different things – spinning (vertigo), lightheaded (like you might pass out), or spacey/removed from your body among other sensations. What makes it more likely to occur? What makes it less likely to occur? “Dizzy” is pretty nonspecific, so any other information you can give your doctor will be really helpful!

      1. Thank you for this. This is what I’m looking for. Sometimes it’s “dizzy” and I’m getting double vision, which, however unsettling, quickly corrects itself. Sometimes it’s “dizzy” with an inability to focus my eyes – like driving when this happens can be unnerving. I can’t identify a pattern of what helps it or triggers it. I’ll try to focus on that between now and talking to the doctor.

    4. Consider getting checked for vertigo. If this happens also when you roll over in bed that points toward vertigo. Your doctor should be able to to a maneuver to induce the dizziness and look at your eyes while it’s happening if it’s vertigo.

      Sometimes allergies lead to inner ear changes, which can lead to vertigo. Good luck!

    5. I also get these and I have very low BP naturally. (I have a stressful job, so I usually am around 95/55, but during a time I had a month off and saw a dr. for something, it was 85/43- that’s the only time they’ve been concerned lol.) They told me to eat more salt.

    6. I actually had some similar symptoms and it drove me crazy going to a couple of doctors. I had multiple just tell me it was stress. Finally, doctor ordered full blood panel and focused in on the fact that I had really low Vitamin D levels (which i found odd considering I lived in Arizona at the time). Anyway, went on a vitamin D daily dose and symptoms seemed to go away. So, i would recommend asking for blood work. I would recommend being able to answer questions about how you are sleeping, have you noticed any differences based on how/what/when you are eating, stress levels etc.

      1. +1

        I’d check B12 too (though the test isn’t super reliable if you take B12 in a multi or B complex). This is what this was for me.

    7. I get this when a nerve (can’t remember which) is pinched/out-of-whack in my neck. It appears as a migraine aura but no headache. It also sometimes happens 12-24 hours after my osteopath gives me a neck manipulation. It was happening often enough that she ordered a head MRI which came back clean. Now we just make sure she does small/gentle neck manipulations and the dizzy spells rarely occur now *knock on wood*. And I am careful not to do things that exacerbate it (like bending my neck awkwardly to shave my armpits). I’ll also add that I have hybermobility spectrum disorder, possibly Ehler’s Danlos Type 3 so my body is pretty wonky anyways and not quite normal.

      Sometimes it’s not easy to figure out why something is happening but recording any other issues that you have before/during/after the event can help – does your head hurt? Neck, back, spine? Sharp pains anywhere? Dull ones? Shortness of breathe? Ears ringing? Shakey? Did you twist before the dizzy spell? Look up or down?

      The only other times I’ve had dizzy spells, which I renamed ‘brain zaps’ as it felt like my brain got hit with a jolt of electricity and gave me double-vision is when I stopped taking tramadol after a surgery. They can happen when you decrease or stop using antidepressants, which tramadol falls under.

  26. Gardening (literal) question. I’ve sprouted some peppers (purple bell and jalapeño) from seed, which took forever (they’re not kidding with that 7-14 day germination business.)

    I think I would like to place the pepper plants in pots in order to get them the heat they need – all of my in-ground garden spots have shade for at least some of the day, and I’m in a warm but not hot summer area.

    Have you successfully grown peppers in pots? Any tips? What size of pot?

    PS we talked about AeroGardens here not too long ago. I have a few herbs growing in my aero garden, and I put my little peat pots with pepper seeds right next to the AeroGarden to share the light. It worked like a charm!

    1. There’s a whole subreddit for that! I find it useful and informative.
      r/peppers

    2. I’ve grown peppers in pots very successfully before! I had a few plants sharing a long window box in a nice sunny area and they did great. With peppers they really want light and heat, so if a pot is your best chance of getting good light I would definitely go with that.

  27. I know this is such a first world problem… Advice for whether/how to broach a conversation about going back to the gym? Pre-shut down, I went to personal training to improve my lifting. My gym just announced their reopening plan. They will require each “set” of personal trainer/client to be in a separate section of the gym for the entire session, no movement among sections. A lot of the sections do not include weights or any equipment – they will do body weight or free weight exercises. Apparently the sections are not assigned in advance, so there’s no way for my trainer to guarantee we’ll be in a section with a rack or equipment. I really don’t want to pay for personal training to do stuff I already do at home. The whole point of the PT is to have someone help my form when I’m doing serious lifting (I previously did CrossFit but got injured and don’t feel comfortable lifting alone – I’m single and don’t have any friends who lift). At the same time, I want to support my trainer and gym, and I know they’re doing their best. Is this something I should ask about? Or should I tell them I would like to wait to come back until we can resume my normal lifting?

    1. Absolutely ask. You’re paying for a service, so don’t pay for something you don’t want.

      On the other hand, if you want to financially contribute to your trainer like you would a friend, that’s fine too. If that’s your goal, go ahead and buy sessions even if they aren’t really what you want.

      Either way is fine, just be clear for yourself on which one you’re doing.

    2. I’d ask the what alternatives they are thinking of to ensure the effectiveness of client workouts. Many trainers also do outdoor bootcamp classes in small groups and train at small private gyms on the side. These may be a good option for you.

      1. I just resumed personal training today. Instead of being in the big gym, we were in a studio that is normally for aerobics. He brought in BOSU, some weights, those cable rope thingys, big balls, etc. He wore a mask; I wore mine til I started to actually work out. He was a good 8-10 feet away from me at all times. At the very end, he did use hand sanitizer and I put my mask back on and he stretched me (was I stiff!). Honestly I felt pretty safe. His wife is an MD so he took it all seriously.

    3. I think you should take this up with your gym. There is a better solution. I went back today. Similar scenario, but the equipment was placed in my station when I got there with additional equipment within reach in case I needed to scale up or down. I don’t know how your gym works, but if the trainers work for the gym, I don’t see why there can’t be equipment there for you. Perhaps if there is limited equipment, you should be able to sign up for both a timeslot and equipment to be sure when you arrive it is available.

    4. It doesn’t hurt to ask for more information and find out what they can do for weight lifting training specifically. If it doesn’t work for you right now, ask them to notify you when you can reserve time with the weights. It might help them to know they have a perspective client waiting on that.

  28. What’s up with the disappearing comments today? The first thread at the top discussed the featured dress and whether it was a flattering color…?

    2. I think people are using the “report comment” button like a down vote for anything they don’t agree with, which is removing a lot of perfectly innocuous comments.

      1. I also wonder why the Report comment is put so close to Reply. People will start accidentally hitting report when they just want to reply. Maybe that’s the problem? It didn’t used to be right there, I don’t think?

  29. I think I know what I need to do here, but hoping to get some perspective/commiseration from people with more professional experience. This is about my current job, my second one out of college. I’ve been working for about 3 years.

    I was hired into what was supposed to be a tech development role in May ’19, which was quickly changed into a usage and adoption role (basically selling this new and frankly unpopular tech capability into the various teams of the large organization where I work) about 10 days after I started due to a restructure. I would not have taken what the job became, as the role I left it for was in tech development and that’s where I see my career being long-term. But the new job paid a lot more money so I stuck with it.

    It’s been a year now and while I love my direct team, I am miserable. I consider it a good week if I only cried once after work. The work is mind-numbing, time-consuming, and the teams I support are actively hostile to me. I’ve tried twice now to lobby for a transfer into a different role and have been denied both times. The feedback from my management is super positive but I’ve been told under no uncertain terms that they will not let me rotate into a different role until they have to (I can leave my role without management approval in November), despite knowing how unhappy I am, because I’m doing a good job and it would be too hard to find someone to replace me.

    I’ve sent out some resumes but unsurprisingly hiring is slow or stopped, and I figure it’s probably not a great idea to switch jobs right now anyway. I feel so trapped and sad, even as I’ve been trying to lean out more and care less about it all. I know the best thing to do right now is grin and bear it until the winter, but the prospect of that is really disheartening. I’m so lucky to have a job in a field that has been largely unaffected by the crisis but the whole situation is killing me.

    Would appreciate if anyone has any perspective, advice about how to let a hostile work environment slip off my back more, and/or advice on how to turn off “work brain” when I shut my laptop for the day when my workload never seems to shrink!

    1. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through. Keep sending out the resumes and apply for the transfer in November. In the interim, do your best to do what is required of your role. Attempt not to ruminate on how others react or behave, since you cannot control it. Just do your job and do not engage if it is not necessary. At the end of the day, sign out of work and give yourself permission to be unavailable. If you usually respond to off-hours e-mails or on the weekend, if this is not a true requirement in your role, stop doing that and focus on your home life. Establish boundaries, do not ask for them. No one will enforce your boundaries, so you will have to determine what they are and enforce them yourself. If you are able to do so, disable the alerts on your phone at the end of the day and do not check your e-mail. Give yourself the opportunity to decompress from the work day, which may make the following day more manageable for you. I wish there was an easy response to this, but there really is not, especially in these uncertain times.

      For other perspectives, try posting again tomorrow morning, when this site has the most traffic. You will get a lot more responses at that time.

      1. Thank you so much for the response–these are all great suggestions and I will work on them. I’ll try posting tomorrow as well–meant to earlier today but time got away from me!

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