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Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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AnonMom
Reposting from the weekend thread.
I am about to change jobs and want to handle my mixed traditional/Roth 401k rollover responsibly (85k, 35k of that is in traditional). I am in a low tax bracket. I also have a spouse with six-figure student loans that we will likely want to refinance once payments start (but that won’t be for another 2 years). Does anyone have recommendations for this? I am open to separate accounts but noticed SoFi has a no-fee IRA and offers discounts on future student loan refinancing. Is that a solid option or is there something better I should look at?
Veronica Mars
Is the student loan refinancing contingent on getting an IRA with SoFi? I have not read that SoFi is a recommended vendor for IRAs–I’d roll it over to one of the major institutions like Vanguard or Fidelity and treat the loan as its own matter.
Diana Barry
+1.
Joybird
Responding to the poster over the weekend who was looking for experience with Joybird. We ordered two pieces from them last year–an Eliot sleeper sofa and a Hugo coffee table. We customized the sofa but not the coffee table. However, they held both to deliver at the same time–it was longer than we expected–maybe close to 8 weeks?
The sofa I love. The fabric is great. It still looks fantastic a year later. It’s pretty comfy for a sleeper sofa, and it looks gorgeous in our MCM home.
The coffee table has been a complete disaster. It’s concrete, and they apparently cannot successfully ship this thing. It came with the sofa and was cracked (like broken in two–the delivery men didn’t even bring it in the house). It took forever–2-3 months and calls/emails to both Joybird and the delivery company–to get through the process of them shipping another one. Also cracked. Months later, they finally shipped one that wasn’t cracked. It is a gorgeous table. But, it already has a small hairline crack. So, it took me the better part of a year to get this coffee table that I paid $1200 for, they did absolutely nothing to make that up to me, and now it has a small crack months later. I have to believe it had a flaw when delivered that just wasn’t visible because we don’t do anything that would crack this table.
Summary–I love the styles, and the couch has help up great, but the customer service when something went wrong was a nightmare. I wouldn’t buy from them again because of this.
BKDC
I ordered a couch from them and they quoted me 3 months for it to be made and shipped. As we neared the 3 month mark, they kept delaying the shipment, but they could not give me any information about the ETA. I ended up canceling and getting a refund. I ended up going without a couch in my new house for 5 months. It was a really disappointing experience because I loved that I saw on their website. This was 2 years ago, so maybe now they’re able to meet demand. But, I’m unwilling to give them a second chance. To take $$ upfront from customers and then keep delaying without explanation was unprofessional. Plus, they never tried to make it up to me (never offered a discount or tried to fast track the item, etc.)
Joybird
Sounds like we had similar experiences….
It is a shame. Our couch is gorgeous.
Outfit Help
I need help with interview attire for a federal government job. I haven’t interviewed much since law school and I work in a casual environment so I’m not sure what’s appropriate. I have two JCrew options. Option 1 is a navy super 120s wool plain two button jacket with matching pencil skirt. This fits but the style looks a bit like I’m playing dress up on my small frame. Option 2 is a navy synthetic no button collarless jacket with matching pencil skirt. This looks more tailored and flattering on my frame but I am not sure if this style is considered formal enough. I look very young and I do not want to give off the straight out of law school vibe. Please help!
Annie
Can you go shopping for option 3? It’s good to have a really solid interview suit and you’re likely to need a solid fitting suit at some point if you get the job.
OP
There is not time to get anything else. Option 1 is probably the best fitting “interview suit” I will ever find. It’s just not a flattering style on me.
Annie
Then I’d vote option 1 with a hairstyle, blouse and shoes that make you feel like “you.”
NYNY
If option 1 fits, it may be a matter of perception. You say you work in a casual environment, so you probably aren’t used to what you look like in a suit. Try it on with different tops to see what you like best and to get used to the look.
OP
It’s not. I asked several people and they all agreed it fit and was fine but not great. I looked again and it actually only has one button. I don’t know if it’s that I look 20 or that I am small framed, but any traditional suit style I have tried makes me lIke the intern.
Anonymous
One button is common. Both of my suits are one button and I’m 6′, large framed. It may be a matter of perception as someone else said, or maybe you need either piece hemmed eventually to suit you.
Anonymous
Option one
Anon.
I think you could work with accessories to “age” your look. A scarf, interesting necklace, watch, earrings that show personality (I am thinking of something small and geometric)… Also, I would forego black or navy pumps for a colored shoe – camel, brown, oxblood, even dark green would look perfect with a navy suit IMO.
Also, I would go for a patterned or colored blouse instead of a white button down. To me, navy suit plus white shirt always looks like what fresh grads wear when they want to do business formal.
Or, if it needs to be white(ish), I would choose an interesting neckline, origami fold short, wrap top….
Anon.
*shirt, not short.
Obviously you should not wear shorts for an interview.
anon
I honestly think either would be fine.
Anon
Wear what you’re most comfortable in. Especially in fed. gov, no one will think twice about whether your suit fits perfectly or is too “young.” You’re wearing a navy suit. It’s fine. Your confidence, smile and personality, and whether or not you feel comfortable is what will come across in the interview, not whether your suit is perfect. Trust me.
Anon
+1
I, too, have frantically posted here about what to wear to an important interview. I was gently told I was overthinking it, and that was absolutely correct.
PolyD
#notallfeds, but most federal employees I have met (HHS, Justice, DHS, NPS, FDA, CDC) are not… exactly fashion plates.
So, I think the advice to wear the navy suit with accessories that help mitigate that fresh-out-of-school look is very good. The accessories should make you feel that you look professional – don’t worry about being up-to-the-minute fashionable.
editor
Ditto, speaking as a longtime fed. Not only are there not many (any?) fashion plates, but many I would actually call shabby (20-yr-old dresses or suits from Dress Barn) or egregiously casual (leggings, band T-shirts and jeans on casual Fridays, cold shoulder tops revealing full-sleeve tattoos, gym shoes and tennis or no socks) and I could go on and on. Of course none of the above is interview wear, but I just had to share my observations : )
I like the ideas above for elevating the look with accessories and sophisticated tops. And striking shoes. You said there’s no time (and maybe no need!) to shop–is there time for a blow-out? To me, the mark of an intern is long, unstyled (often wet : ) hair. I see many obvious interns at rush hour in coffee shops with wet hair and the ubiquitous Tory Burch flats.
Anon
I was often one of the best dressed people in the office when I was a fed, and I’m no fashionista.
PolyD
Yep. A Banana Republic Factory dress, decent but not designer shoes, and an unpilled cardigan – I’m freakin’ Miranda Priestley!
Said with love. My colleagues are wonderful people and most of the time it’s nice not to have to worry about what you wear.
editor
Yes, me too (as if you couldn’t tell from my reply above!) My usual uniform is a moderately priced wrap dress, cardigan, and ballet flats or Birkenstocks, with sometimes an unusual necklace (which gets hidden by my badge lanyard.) In winter it’s a sweater dress, tights, and comfort shoe like Clark’s. Still–waaaaay overdressed.
This will sound “get off my lawn” but I see a LOT of figure-hugging yoga pants and leggings on the younger women. Boggles my old mind!
Anyone in a suit is either interviewing (as the OP here) or someone very very high up (like a Cabinet secretary.)
anon
same, I was a fed attorney for 10+ years and I would always get compliments on my outfits (basic J.Crew/BR/Theory suits, sometimes dressed up with accessories). It’s not a well dressed group to be sure.
anon
FWIW, I always feel like I’m playing dress up when I wear suits. I think it’s just the fact that I never wear them and aren’t used to them.
Anon
Option 2 sounds perfectly appropriate to me, as long as it’s not from a teen store or junior’s section. Nobody should be snobby about your suit being synthetic, the government is not exactly filled with fashionistas or high rollers.
Anon divorcee
My husband and I decided to get a divorce this weekend. The decision was mutual and we are handling it amicably enough, but I’m shaken and sad. I’m changing jobs too, so it will help this be a nice clean break, but I’m also really overwhelmed by all the changes and trying to find an apartment in a really hectic market at a time when most good places are already taken. And of course I feel like I will never love or be loved again. I’m turning 30 in a month, no kids, we had been together for 10 years so I have no idea how people date these days. Please send good vibes and advice.
Anonymous
All the hugs. You have lots of time to find the right guy – the first step is realizing you are with the wrong one. Tons of my friends have gotten married in the 33-36 age bracket and had kids 35-39. Things can move faster when you are older vs in your early 20s. No kids means a clean break and realistically an easier time dating – no arranging a babysitter or worrying about step-parent issues.
ElisaR
I went through a horrible breakup at age 31 and while it wasn’t a divorce, I had to find a new place to live and thought “life was over.” It wasn’t. It was the beginning of a MUCH better chapter.
I met my husband at 34, got married at 37, first baby at 38, second at 40.
hang in there, sending you internet love and hugs.
anne-on
I am so, so sorry. Even amicable breakups are really hard. Please be sure you’re reaching out to your friends/family as much as possible. They love you and want to help – maybe give them some concrete tasks? Like hey, I could really use some help apartment hunting, let me know if you know landlords/buildings/etc. Or need help packing, ask! Also try to make time to take care of yourself – get to the gym, take a walk, get outside in nature, do something that makes you feel good.
Anon
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It’s definitely a lot to handle at one time. I think you need a strong support system of family, girlfriends, and a therapist. As far as dating, I have nothing positive to say about my experiences but whenever I end things with someone I try to think that the decision is him or not him rather than him or the unknown someone else. All you did was decide he’s not the right person for you long term. Focus on that for now rather than jumping to dating other men. It’s a good decision and you should be proud of yourself for making this decision.
Anon
Hug from an internet stranger.
Date how you want to date. Right now, it feels like you’ll never find anyone again, but you’re still young. Give yourself some time to adjust, then dip your toes into the dating world. Meet friends-of-friends for coffee. Get involved in activities and see if there’s a spark.
January
No personal experience with divorce, but from the vantage point of a 35-year-old, know that there is a lot of life after 30, that plenty of people meet their spouses (first or second) after 30, and that things can change quickly.
Anon
My husband and I decided to split in May. Things already feel a lot better. You’ve got this, babe.
iced coffee
Good vibes and hugs from this internet stranger. So sorry about this but you will get through it, even if it doesn’t seem like it now.
Anon
I don’t know if you’re in a space to hear this yet but my similarly situated divorce (age 33, together 11 years) was, in hindsight, the best thing that ever happened to me.
I’m remarried now but I also enjoyed being single and I dated a lot. I used match but I think there are better apps now. I had a lot of fun with it and hope you can do the same.
Anon
Mid-30s with kids, separated a year ago, officially divorced for 6 months. After the separation, I felt like I had to “fix” everything and immediately recreate the life I had before, except with a new person. It was a little manic, honestly, and was probably just my way of coping with the stress and sadness of it all. Things have improved since then, but it’s been really slow and incremental. Also, your needs/expectations will change as you move away from the old relationship and get used to being on your own again. Now, one year out, I’ve realized that I don’t want my exact old life anymore, and I really like certain things about living on my own (e.g., keeping my own finances, having my home be as clean as I like, spending more time with friends). While I am in a pretty serious relationship again, I’m in much less of a hurry to settle down and get married and am enjoying having more freedom. So I guess my advice is just to slow down and let yourself mourn and heal, and don’t make yourself crazy trying to bounce back right away.
Anon
It’s going to be ok!! Sending love your way.
Anon
I’m so sorry. A year and a half post-separation here (divorced, one small child, early 30s). This part is hard, but there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
Spent plenty of time on getting settled in your new home and job and lifestyle so that when you do start to date, that’s not an overwhelming amount of stress. But don’t feel like you have to wait some prescribed amount of time — after a bad marriage, the desire for companionship, flirtation, and to feel liked and wanted is real and reasonable. Personally, it took me 3 months to move out (tough market, kid and we owned) and I started dating about a month later.
Good luck!!
Jennie
Sending good vibes :). I’m sorry for the pain and turmoil you’re going through right now but it does get better. I ended a marriage at 28 and it was hands down the best decision I ever made. On the advice front I’d say that when you feel into dating again, have fun with it and do what feels right to you, whatever that is. In the meantime, enjoy your time with yourself, spend time developing your female friendships, and don’t feel like you need to find the right person right away for the next relationship. You really do have time and the in-between time can be some of the best of your life. When I left my marriage I “cocooned” for three months and focused on doing what was most healthy for me – good diet, exercise, etc, and a lot of sitting into coffee shops journaling and just staring into space! This may or may not work for you, but I also found a goal to focus on short-term (for me it was running a marathon but it could be anything) to help myself focus on something positive every day without making any long-term decisions, which should generally be avoided at deeply emotional times. I also explored something entirely new (improv every week for a few months, which got me more in touch with my emotional self). I dated A LOT and experienced the whole range of it – terrible dates, a ton of mediocre, some amazing all-nighter one-night stands, a couple intense but short-lived relationships. I’m two years into a wonderful relationship now (five years later) and look back fondly on my post-serious-relationship single days. It can be a significant emotional rollercoaster but it’s also a unique time of life that you have to both explore and to ground yourself in who you want to become.
I made it and you will too!
I went through a similar situation when I turned 40. Amicable divorce after 16 years, no kids, new job. Even though my head was spinning with all the changes (I had to move too) things settled down eventually and I met a wonderful man. The divorce created space for me for new good things to come to my life. Friends and family wanted to support me and I let them do so because I needed it. The only way out is through but you will get there! Allow yourself to feel bad, it’s part of the process. I did a lot of crying that first year — it’s normal. Lots of good resources when you decide you want to date again — I recommend the book 121 First Dates. I also recommend the book Good Divorce. Hugs to you!
lsw
You got this!!
Maudie Atkinson
You can do this.
Make a list of things that feel good, even if only for the moment they’re happening. These aren’t things that have to make you happy–that’s expecting too much–just that make your mind and body feel good while they’re happening. For me, that list included long walks with my dog, hot baths, coloring, eating molten cheese, doing yoga, arranging flowers, lighting a candle in whatever room I was in, sitting on my porch and talking to a friend. Try to do as many of those things as you can each day; gamify it, even, with a habit tracker.
And I felt the same way re: dating. I’d been with my ex for 10 years when we split, married for 7. We were in the midst of a year-long effort at TTC. I was sure that I would spend the rest of my life alone, unable to be a mother in the way I’d always imagined it. My perspective on that, too changed, and I now know that the WORST possible outcome would have been trying to parent with my ex. Dating turned out easier and better than I expected, which I recognize may just be luck. I’m happier than I ever was with my ex, and certainly much, much happier than I was the last few years of my marriage, years I can now appreciate that I white-knuckled my way through and shoehorned myself into being someone I’m not in an effort to stay together.
You should feel all your feelings right now, but they’re not facts. You can do this. You’ve got this.
Anon divorcee
Thank you all for the great advice.
Maudie, your comment on the last stretch of your marriage really resonated with me – we were also TTC and both trying very hard to be people we weren’t. But I have always wanted kids and can’t help but feel a bit panicked about that window closing for now, even though we probably wouldn’t have been the best co-parents.
Anonymous
You’re 29. The window is not closed or even closing.
Maudie Atkinson
Notwithstanding the truth of the comment @ 11:55 above, it’s perfectly understandable to feel panicked about that right now, so long as you can remember that it’s just that–a FEELING. If you want to be a mother, you can absolutely still do that. It may not look like you hoped or expected, but it is absolutely available to you.
It’s also ok to grieve that it might not look like what you want or expected! But it’s not a foregone conclusion that it won’t look like you hoped or expected–just a possibility, and a possibility that was always true, even if you were in a secure, functioning marriage.
And 365+ days out, that panic has almost entirely subsided. Very many things feel possible now that didn’t before.
anon
+2 to Anon at 11:55. You have PLENTY of time to find someone and be a mom. My friend got divorced at your age from her first husband (also no kids) and met her now husband at 31. They got married at 34, first baby at 35, second baby at 37, and they are doing great now in their 40s. She’s so grateful she’s not still with her first husband and extricated herself from a marriage that didn’t work. You can/will be too.
Senior Attorney
Just chiming in to send all my very best vibes! You are doing the right thing — the magic can’t happen until you find the courage to leave, and you are doing that!! Much love from somebody who stayed in two bad marriages way too long and married the best man in the whole wide world at age 57. (And yes, things can happen fast when you shed the baggage: I was just 2.5 years from divorce decree to wedding. So don’t give up on kids!)
Ellen
Me too. I am VERY late to the party, and most people have said what I was going to say, so I wont repeat these very important things, other then to say you will perservere b/c you have the power of the HIVE behind you. We all have made our mistakes with men, and we get over it, so with our mutual support, you will too. Hang in there, b/c there are plenty of other worthy men just waiting to learn you are back in the dating game. Enjoy, and you will have fun with other men, not the loser who you got stuck with 10 years ago. YAY!!!!
Sparky
Internet hugs. Having a strong support system and make time for self care. For me regular yoga classes were the only way to squeeze in time for myself with no distractions, plus its felt good to stay active and helped reduce stress.
Anon
I went through an amicable divorce at 27 after being married for 5 years to my college boyfriend. I am grateful for that relationship and everything it taught me, and I am so so grateful that it ended. I am 36 now, remarried 4 years ago to a man who is so much better of a fit for me. The divorce was an amazing chance for me to start over and figure out what I really wanted my life to look like.
In terms of advice, the first 6 months were a total emotional rollercoaster, but also the most intense and valuable period of personal growth I have ever experienced. I tried to just let myself feel all the feelings without necessarily acting on them. I wrote a lot of letters/emails that I never sent. Therapy was really helpful to have a neutral party as a sounding board. I do think it’s important to create a positive narrative for yourself (even if you have are having negative feelings). The people I’ve seen do the best after a divorce are the ones who are able to frame it as a positive step forward and an opportunity for growth.
I also found the first year after my divorce to be a great opportunity to think through what I really wanted my life to look like. Where I wanted to live, what I wanted to spend my time doing, what kind of job I wanted to have, what kind of clothes I wanted to wear, how I wanted to decorate my place, etc. That then helped a lot with dating, because I had a better sense of what I wanted from my life, which can take some time to figure out when you’ve been in a relationship with someone for your whole adult life thus far. It also meant that the men who were interested in dating me were interested in this awesome new version of my life, which had a bit of a curating effect.
Lastly, I think it can be really helpful to create some opportunities to get out of your own head. Volunteering with a mentor program (so that I was focused on someone else’s needs), keeping myself busy with family and friends, throwing myself into an intense work project, embracing a new exercise habit, picking up an old hobby or a new one, etc. were all ways I found useful to give my headspace a break.
I look back at my first year post-divorce with a lot of fondness and affection. It was very difficult, of course, but I grew so much as a person and am just so wonderfully happy now. Good luck! I wish you a similar journey.
Triangle Pose
You’ll be okay! I also went through a horrific broke up with my ex a month before I turned 30, didn’t divorce but owned a house and had to go to court to get my house. It’s SO MUCH BETTER not white knuckling it and telling yourself you are happy just to stay together. It’s about a year and a half out now and I got the house, got the dog and within 3 months of the breakup I’d met my guy from Bumble and we’re talking marriage and future a year later. It can happen. Don’t lose hope. It’s dark now but honestly dating and apps was so much better than I thought it would be and in any event it’s still better than being with the wrong man.
Lobbyist
Good luck! I am almost two years out of my divorce, and happier than I could have ever imagined. On my second post-divorce boyfriend, who is even better than my first post-divorce boyfriend, and both are leagues ahead of my ex husband. Thank you Match! I am 50 and have my kids pretty much all the time, it was hard on them at first but I think better in the long run, we were not providing a good example of a healthy relationship.
Annie
Should I go to therapy over this?
Background:
I have issues with anxiety and have gone to therapy on/off and taken meds on/off for the past 5 or so years. I started a new job that is exactly the work I want to do and in an area I’m interested in about 3 months ago. I’m in a city where I don’t know that many people (other than coworkers, many of whom are young recent transplants like me) but many of my family and friends live in another city about 4 hrs away. This is much closer than where I lived before this job.
Recently I’ve had a very hard time getting out of bed and getting out the door in the morning. I have to leave the house by 9 (pretty late as it is!) and even though I wake up around 7:30/8 I can only bring myself out of bed by 8:45. I pack my lunch and take a shower the night before, and the dress code in my office is very casual, but I often rush out the door and don’t put a lot of thought into my clothes or wear make up, for example. Since I start work so late I would love to do some light housework in the morning, do my hair and make up (things I like to do) but of course this is not possible in 15 mins. After work I’m usually too tired to do anything, even cook or sometimes take a shower.
I’m concerned that this level of “being tired”, and espeically literally not being able to get out of bed in the morning is a sign of some depression. It takes a long time for me to do executive function tasks, like whaever is needed to maintain myself and the apartment. I get enough sleep, and I’ve been exercising and eating as healthy as this “tiredness” will let me, but its hard to find the motivation to go to the gym or even for a walk, and to either cook or go grocery shopping. It all feels like such drudgery.
Anon
Therapy – or check your various vitamin/mineral/hormone levels with a doctor.
Annie
That’s a good point. I’m addressing one vitamin deficiency issue I’ve had in the past but not another one, and that could def be contributing to / causing this.
Anonymous
First thing: are you sure you’re getting enough iron? When I’m not, I get sluggish like this. No fire from within.
Anonymous
It sounds like your anxiety is comorbid with depression – very common.
Cb
I had that with a job. I went to CBT but honestly, I think it was mild situational depression as I felt better when I made a big change in my life.
Katie
Therapy is always a good idea, but a low-dose antidepressant/anti-anxiety med wouldn’t be a bad idea here. I struggle with anxiety most of the time, but when I’m dealing with a little depression, it feels very similar to what you’re describing. Even if you like the work you’re doing, change is hard and it would not be totally shocking to feel a bit depressed with this much going on.
anon
I would go to therapy and also review the meds you are taking or need to take. I posted last week about some issues I’m having with my family and realized (thanks to the help of everyone here) that I am having PPD. I had it with my first kid, and this feels way different than the prior time, but that’s what it is. I have suffered from depression on and off related to my period my entire life. Given my history, my dr had already filled my prescriptions when I had my baby. I finally started taking my meds and feel 100% better. I was even able to take some walks yesterday.
BUT also, getting up in the morning will never be my strong point. I don’t leave things to do in the morning, I clean up and do everything I can before I go to bed, so there’s more chance of technical success in the morning.
anon
I would make an appointment with the doc who prescribes your meds. It is very common to need a tweak every now and then. And, yes, I think therapy could be very beneficial. In your case, just getting some coping strategies for a transition might be really helpful, and then you can back off on the frequency. If nothing else, a bit of accountability could be helpful.
FWIW, it sounds (to me, not a doctor) like you’re having classic depression symptoms. I generally have depressive symptoms but every now and then, in certain life situations, I’ll have some anxiety pop up. Sounds like you may be the opposite. For many many people, depression and anxiety go hand in hand. The good news is that I suspect you can feel better really quickly! Speaking from experience, don’t blame yourself, that won’t get you anywhere–go ask for help.
Annie
Yesterday I was feeling awful and thinking that the only thing that I felt would help was going to a therapist – all the other things like meeting friends, going to the gym, going to a movie etc wouldn’t make a difference. You’re right, it actually doesn’t take much. I did t want to go back on meds, but I think it’s worth considering. Maybe after iron pills in case that’s it
anon
A quicker route is to just have your iron tested. If it’s normal, no need to try the iron to see if it helps. I tweaked my meds after feeling completely useless for months. I felt better within a few days. (That said, more typically it’s a couple of weeks to see a change.) It was eye-opening.
T
Same, supplementing with iron may have actually changed my life. Months of struggling to get out of bed, brain fog, anxiety, basically all of the same symptoms as depression, fixed within a few days.
Cold-Brew Coffee Q
I have made cold brew at home a couple of times. I use one part grounds to two parts water, let it all steep in the fridge for a day or two, then pour the cold-brewed through a cheese cloth to an empty jar, and use that concentrate to make my coffee. However, I cannot figure out the best way to get the now-used grounds out of the first jar. I could swirl water in that jar, and pour it all down the drain, but I’ve always been told not to put grounds down the drain/garbage disposal. I’ve tried turning the jar upside down on a paper towel and hoping the grounds will fall down as they dry, but that didn’t work almost at all. None of my life-hack-internet-searching has turned up a solution. Ideas?
Clementine
I use a spatula to scrape into the trash/compost and then just rinse the few remaining grounds down the drain.
Al
This is your solution – https://www.amazon.com/Hario-Mizudashi-Coffee-1000ml-Brown/dp/B00I7JKAQ0/ref=asc_df_B00I7JKAQ0/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=194847541832&hvpos=1o4&hvnetw=g&hvrand=11484872603563878068&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1014895&hvtargid=pla-315174620071&psc=1.
Anon
I have something like this and it’s great.
During the summer, Trader Joe’s sells cold brew satchels – just throw the pack into 7 cups of cold water, steep, and throw the pack away. Brilliant.
pugsnbourbon
+1. I have a similar one and it’s amazing.
Anonymous
My boyfriend uses a mesh strainer and lots of water then dumps the grounds from the strainer into the trash.
Never too many shoes...
Fill the jar with water and pour into a strainer to keep the grounds out of the drain.
ollie
I have something like this: https://www.amazon.com/Cold-Brew-Coffee-Maker-Stainless/dp/B01ATJ6AJG/ref=sr_1_5?keywords=cold+brew+mason+jar+kit&qid=1567519171&s=home-garden&sr=1-5
Lyssa
I understand not putting grounds down the regular drain, but are you really not supposed to put them down the disposal? Why? Have I been inadvertently doing some harm all these years?
anon
My mind was boggled when figured this out: The garbage disposal just cuts up bigger things, which then go down the same drain as the water. I don’t understand why someone invented a thing that makes it convenient to mix food waste into our waste water, so that the water company has to spend more energy to clean our waste water.
Anon
It can actually be more environmentally friendly than using regular garbage for disposal
https://www.citylab.com/environment/2017/08/garbage-disposals-new-york/538581/
anon
The article has a few weak spots. A lot of the pro-sink disposal arguments come from the market leader for selling these products. The main ecological argument (half of the methane formed in organic waste decomposition can’t be captured in landfill compost sites but can in water treatment sites) is based on the circumstance that our water treatment facilities are better modernized (because water is better regulated) than landfills.
What I find pretty compelling is the fiscal argument that it would save a bunch of money if everyone reduced the waste the city needs to pick up.
Anon
I was in a meeting so a late reply I’m not sure anyone will read. I live in Berkeley. Curbside composting has been enthusiastically adopted by the vast majority of residents here. People stopped putting food scraps down the disposal. And then we got a note from our city council member saying we’d gone too far, and something (?) in the sewer ecosystem was suffering because there wasn’t enough food matter in the system now. Basically too much poop I think. So she reminded us that it was ok to use the garbage disposal from time to time.
It was the most Berkeley thing ever.
Unfortunately I can’t find it online so when I googled I found that other article.
My point is that garbage disposals are not necessarily the enemy. We still mostly compost but if something ends up in the disposal we don’t sweat it.
anon
hey, I’m in Berkeley too! This sounds not like what you are referring to, but I read that a couple of years ago, when CA was really intensifying their efforts to reduce water use, we were too good at it, and now the water company has reduced revenue b/c people buy less water, but still need to maintain the same network of pipes, so they had to up the prices to get buy. Kind of ironic.
Anon
Yes that happened too! Different issue but also so very California/Berkeley.
The original Scarlett
YEah, you’re not supposed to put anything down a disposal really – you’re asking for plumbing issues. Disposals help grind up scraps, but anything more and you’re facing big clogs in time.
anon
We have a 100 year old house. NOTHING goes down the disposal, and even then, we still have issues.
With my parents new house, they can shove whole pizzas down their drains.
Anon
I think this has less to do with time of construction and more to do with construction materials. I was taught that coffee grounds aren’t an issue for copper pipes, but that they don’t play well with plastic.
Anon
My question is always, how much grounds are making it down the drain? IME the vast majority comes out via dumping in trash while wet, waiting for them to dry, the scraping the sides/extra with a dish brush (the long kind that are meant to go into tall cups/bottles). They pop right off. If a stray 20 or so little grinds (which realistically are about the size of course sand) go down the disposal, it’s really not going to hurt anything.
Alternatively, swirl in water and dump outside onto one of your plants, coffee grounds are good for some species.
Aggie
I dump mine in the compost pile and rinse the container out with the water hose (I wash it again in the house.) It’s a two for one for me – in this weather, my compost pile is routinely too dry.
anon
Do you all have any recommendations for good books or resources on navigating the college search? My bf’s nephew just entered his junior year of high school. He’s a smart kid, so I’m hopeful that he has some good college options. But his college-educated family is from another part of the world and has just a few years in the US, so they don’t know how to navigate all of this. And I’m far enough out from my own college search that I don’t remember enough to be very helpful. Are there good books or other resources any of you would recommend, both for the high schooler and/or for all of the adults trying to support him now? Thanks!!
Anon
I don’t think you need a book or a whole lot of formal planning. He should be able to research schools online and figure out what schools are a reach and a good fit, and what schools in those ranges he wants to apply to. Private college counselors were a thing even in my day, but they always seemed like a waste of money to me (I say that as someone who got into Ivies without a counselor or support from my family beyond giving me money to pay the application fees). There’s more to getting into top colleges than just being smart, part of the necessary skillset for being a student at those places is being independent and motivated enough to do the research about where you want to apply.
Anon
Start with College Confidential. They are very current with admissions trends and very solid with their advice.
I’m also going to plug my own advice: a safety school is (1) nearly guaranteed admission, (2) affordable, and (3) one that the student likes well enough; and, the parents NEED to be very upfront with him about money. If, e.g., there’s $80k for his college, they cannot talk about how they will “make it work” if he gets into his “dream” school; no, he’s either going to an inexpensive school or getting a lot of grants and scholarships.
Coach Laura
Agree about College Confidential web forum. Most guidance counselors are overworked and some are horrible. I think he should consider the best state school or regional private near his hometown that he can attend for cheapest price and then go away for graduate school if he feels the need to experience a new place.
Anon
A lot of guidance counselors have a specific focus, such as getting the middle-range kids to go to college and get financial aid, or getting the very top kids into Harvard, etc. But if you don’t fall within their area of expertise, or aren’t the focus of whatever initiative is going on at the time, you’re on your own.
Anonymous
Does his school have a guidance counselor or college counselor? I’d start there, they can be a great resource (ymmv of course). Most importantly, they have statistics on where their graduates get accepted. That can inform where a student with nephew’s grades, test scores, and extracurriculars is likely to get in. They also might be able to connect him with recent graduates who are currently attending the schools he wants to look at.
anon
Thanks, it’s worth exploring this! My own high school counselors were so awful and uninformed that I was mentally writing off this option, but you’re right that they could be and hopefully are a great resource at his high school.
anon
My high school guidance counselor was truly awful. I went to an expensive private high school with at least some students who got into Harvard/Ivies. Our guidance counselor actively discouraged students from applying to “reach” schools (except they weren’t that big of a reach) and encouraged everyone to apply to a particular “safety” school (which then only accepted 7 students from our class). My impression was that he viewed his job as lowering kids’ expectations so their parents wouldn’t get mad at him when their kids were disappointed, plus churning admissions and scholarship statistics for schools that kids weren’t actually attending. But even that game didn’t seem to work out that well.
Anon
I think most high schools get lots of visits from college admissions reps. He should sign up for all of the visits.
Any family road trips from now until he’s accepted and committed to a college should involve a swing by at least one college campus. It doesn’t matter whether it’s on his list. Visit as many colleges as you can.
He will hear a lot about colleges from his classmates as well.
Original Moonstone
My nephew found this book helpful last year, “College Admission 101: Simple Answers to Tough Questions about College Admissions and Financial Aid”
Anon
I think Khan Academy had a series of short videos on navigating the process. I’ve looked at Princeton Review, and can’t remember exactly but there was a book on successful admission essays from Harvard students from the Harvard Crimson with commentary?
Anon
Also, seeing if the school or local organizations (churches, nonprofits etc) can hook your nephew up with one or two people who got into their desired schools (recent grads) and are willing to give advice can be surprisingly helpful. I think some inner city mentorship orgs have formalized this, but I was once called by my high school teacher to advise a prospective student for 1 hour on interviews, tips for admissions, etc.
Annie
a quick heads up for anyone still reading- the current preferred term is ‘school counselor’ and not ‘guidance counselor’
people in the profession liken it to the changing way we no longer refer to flight attendants as stewardesses- the counseling profession has changed and their duties are broader, usually requiring an advanced degree.
Anon
Not snarky, actually curious, how does school counselor sound better or lead to the advanced degree inference? Sounds like the opposite would be true.
Anonymous
Not in my state it isn’t. Guidance counselor is a much bigger role than school counselor, which is a position that just provides mental health services.
running
A lot of runners go by where I live. I see some who are like RiverDance — very rigid upper body, only movement in the legs. And then some who just run on their toes.
I am not a runner and when I do run (in tennis or basketball), it is more a full-out sprint. I’ve done some 5Ks maybe 10 years ago and never thought much of form.
But now I have a 5K to do for Girls on the Run with my niece, so I need to get started again. Is there a right form? Or don’t worry about it unless/until you become a Serious Runner (in that case, who do I ask?)? I am planning to get new running-specific shoes.
Anon
When you get running-specific shoes, go to a professional running store that does gait analysis.
Anonymous
Don’t worry about it unless something about your body (an ache, a twinge) tells you to worry about it.
Anonymous
If there is a running specific store near you, many of them have a treadmill and some pretty experienced people. If you go at a quieter time and are buying shoes from them, they’re likely to also be willing to talk to you about form.
Anon
Go to a running store for a proper fit.
When you run, run in a way that feels right to you and that you can maintain a conversation. Initially that might be jogging for a minute and walking for two or some other ratio.
Your gait will get more efficient as you gradually build strength and endurance.
I am one of those people who, even when in shape and relatively fast, doesn’t make running look easy, and that’s fine. It works for me.
anon
Yep, same. I think some of this is largely out of our control and our bodies are going to do what they want to do. There is a woman in my neighborhood who looks like she is straight-up trotting. But, she passes me by and is actually freaking fast. Meanwhile, I sort of lumber along like a giant. I am not speedy. But, I ran 6 miles yesterday so clearly I’m doing something right in the endurance department. Aim for a midfoot strike and try not to cross your arms over your body, if you can.
Anon
I was a competitive runner in high school and I made one small change to my gait that shaved a minute off my one mile time. Basically, you don’t want your arms to be crossing your body as you pump them. So, my right arm was punching across my body towards the left and my left arm was punching across my body to the right. Good ab workout but bad for running form/speed. I now bring my arms up and down at my sides never crossing my body. I move them like I am throwing axes. Huge improvement in my stamina. What’s crazy is I was running in a hotel gym at a high school choir convention in DC trying to get my miles for my excused absences from track practice. A guy from another school was on the treadmill next to me and very kindly pointed it out in a non-creepy way. He was like, hey, is that your normal race form or are you doing that to burn extra calories with a shorter run? My mind was blown when I fixed it for competition.
Anon
Man, your coaches must have been really slacking to not fix that with you!
emeralds
Well…as a former high school running coach, people have different running form. Just look at a chase pack for an elite marathon: you’ll have people with extremely “correct” form, but some folks that look straight-up wonky yet still get the job done. And since you open complex cans of biomechanical worms when you try to change someone’s form, absent sharing general best practices we didn’t mess with folks unless they were getting repetitive injuries. (Also, someone having that much of a drop in time from tweaking their arm carriage would be unusual. Not saying Anon didn’t have those results, but that would be an exception rather than a norm.)
For the OP, you should just get out there and get started. Do get fitted for proper shoes at a specialty running store, and I’ll echo the suggestions to do a structured run/walk plan to get started. Couch to 5k is a popular option. Don’t worry about your form at this point. You want to give yourself as few barriers to participation as possible, since running is hard enough :)
Anon
I know! I was pretty angry about it. I had the state champion on my team so I was never getting first place. I was barely on the coach’s radar.
Anon
Honestly, don’t worry about it until you become a Serious Runner. Even all the stuff about finding the right running shoe really doesn’t matter much as long as something fits you well enough – yeah it’s nice, but doesn’t really matter for a casual jogger.
Paging London ladies
My coworkers (alas, not me) are going to London next week and staying at the Park Plaza, London Waterloo, at SE1 7DU.
Any suggestions for good restaurants near there and any nearby things to do or see? They haven’t been to London before.
Thank you so much in advance!
Ribena
A classic London thing to do which will be very convenient for their hotel is to wander along the South Bank.
In terms of food, my top recommendations are Br’sserie Zedel, Dishoom, and Pizza Pilgrims
Thank you!
Thank you, Ribena!
LaLaLondon
Depending on how much of a walk they want, they could walk along South Bank up to Borough Market (Padella now has an app so you can get “in line” virtually as long as you’re in range, so they could get in the queue from a distance and have a wander over for amazing pasta). That would let them see Parliament/the Eye/the Globe/Tate Modern/etc. en route. Also fun is Mercato Metropolitano which isn’t a long hop from the South Bank and (at least a while ago) less touristy/more fun local crowd. The Royal Oak has an old boozer pub vibe (cask, real ales, roasts) and can be paired with the Gladstone Arms for a mini pub crawl of two of my old favorite spots in SE1. Laughing Gravy is a bit fancier and used to have a good vibe and would be closer to their hotel but slightly off the South Bank beaten track.
Senior Attorney
It’s not super close (2 miles away in Mayfair) but my fave place is Sketch for tea. And tell them to be sure and visit the loo!
Anon
They will be staying in walking distance to the National Theatre, the Old Vic and the Young Vic if they like serious or experimental theatre.
If they want to walk a little bit further, Tate Britain is walking distance. There is a river bus (ferry that they can use with an Oystercard) that can take them from Tate Britain/Millbank to St Paul’s (Blackfriar stop) or Tate Modern, passing Parliament etc. on the way.
Lovely viewing floor in Tate Modern (also walking distance) will show them all of London.
If they like to read fiction about their area – the first Maisie Dobbs crime novel by Jacqueline Winspear might be fun to read. It’s set in Lambeth/Pimlico after WW1, and they could get lots of references and inspiration to see the Imperial War Museum (walking distance) if they like historical museums.
They might want to avoid walking right outside of Parliament at the moment, a little crowded due to the protests, might be good to take the tube to Green Park or Charing Cross and walk to St James’ Park and Buckingham Palace from there if they want to see the palace.
Diana Barry
Pet owners – can anyone comment on the best way to reduce allergens? Relative effectiveness of air purifiers/vacuuming more/lint rollers/etc.?
We have 2 cats, and a big house. Cats like to sit on the upholstered furniture. My DD, who wanted the cats, is allergic. DH is also, but he didn’t notice until recently while his office is being renovated and he is working from home – sneezing, watery eyes, coughing, etc. Our cleaner comes every 2 weeks but I think that frequency of vacuuming is not enough. Any ideas would be much appreciated!
Clementine
Biggest thing that we do is to make sure no pets sleep on the beds/pillows of the allergic. This might mean closing bedroom doors or even keeping the pillows in the closet during the day and covering the bed with a blanket that is removed before sleeping.
IME, anything with a HEPA filter is good. Wet wiping is better than just dry as it avoids stirring up allergens. A pair of cheap rubber dishwashing gloves do a great job of getting hair off of upholstry and rugs. You can also buy these funky rubber brushes which do a stellar job.
Also: daily anti-allergy meds.
Diana Barry
Thanks. We have HEPA filters in the purifier and keep the bedroom door closed.
DH would be very resistant to taking meds and to allergy shots – I suspect he’d rather get rid of the cats.
Anon
Why on earth wouldn’t he want to take a simple allergy medication?
Anon
I get “his body his choice”, but I think it’s cruel to not take a daily allergy pill that is extremely well tolerated (thinking Zyrtec, Claritin and the like where most people have zero side effects) and try to pressure spouse to get rid of beloved cats. Is he this stubborn about other things you love?
Anonymous
I wouldn’t get allergy shots to keep a pet, personally. It’s hard enough to get to my annual doctor’s appointments. Something comes up at work and I have to reschedule until, i.e., my eye doctor tells me no actually we’re not refilling your contacts Rx until you come in. I can’t imagine trying to go to the doctor several times a week.
Anonymous
FWIW, I am seriously allergic to cats, and daily allergy pills don’t help at all. They don’t work for a lot of people I know with cat allergies (but are fine for dust/pollen/mold allergies). If I go over to someone’s house, and they have cats, I have to bring benadryl and an inhaler, and I can’t wear contacts because my eyes get so itchy. That being said, I’ve known about this allergy since I was young, so it’s been easy for me to just not have cats.
Anonymous
Yeah I’m all for rehoming if allergy meds don’t work, and I fully get that for some people they don’t, but to refuse to even try? Nah bro.
Anon
I’m not a fan of taking daily meds for something optional, so I wouldn’t do that over a cat. Sorry, but people over pets.
Anonymous
Then your man baby husband can suffer. What kind of idiot refuses to even try allergy meds and thinks it’s cool to just get rid of a pet?
Anon
Or, what kind of idiot gets a pet when their husband and child are have allergies?
I’m the biggest cat lover I know, and my cats are part of my family. I won’t even date a guy that isn’t open to have cats. But it is not unreasonable to not want to take a pill every day to deal with allergies! Especially allergies that can be avoided easily. But he should have just not agreed to getting a pet.
Diana Barry
DH is really allergic to NSAIDs and so reluctant to take any pills – the last time he took benadryl he had an allergic reaction, so hard to tease out causality there.
We didn’t know that DH or DD was allergic until the cats had been in the house for a while, like 6 months to a year.
Anon
If he’s allergic to NSAIDs then you should consult with your doctor about what allergy pill is safe to take instead of avoiding pills (like the object?!) on principle. There are varying types of allergy pills that have different active medications. Medicines differ by nature, his fear of pills is irrational.
Anon
Roomba and HEPA filter, then allergy shots if needed.
Anonymous
Cat allergic person here.
My allergist recommended vaccumming 3x/week. I’m also getting shots.
No cats in bedroom. Prefer no carpets; just hardwoods or tile.
iced coffee
We have two dogs and a cat, and we vacuum daily with roombas on each floor of the house (not because of allergies, but to eliminate any animal smell). Also no rugs anywhere in the house, couch blankets are washed weekly, and a HEPA air filter runs 24/7 in the area the animals hang out most frequently. I need to get better about washing the curtains, too, as pet hair tends to end up there.
Anonymous
We have two cats and my Partner is allergic, our cats don’t bother him too much now but he’s bad with other peoples. I hoover everyday using a cordless dyson and I kid you not, it is full of cat hair everyday. It really doesn’t take longer than 5-10min to run round with the cordless one, it’s maybe not the most comprehensive each time but it really makes a big difference to the hair level and dust. I also use it on the couches in the spots they like to sit. You can also rub the cats over with a slightly damp paper towel.
Anon
Get a roomba and run it every day. Every two weeks is not enough.
Agree with the comment about no cats in the bedroom. Put “cat blankets” on your upholstered furniture that you remove when a human sits there. Throw the blankets in the wash frequently.
Brush your cats, preferably outside. My two cats are losing a ton of fur right now. Better on the brush than on your furniture.
Gail the Goldfish
Yes to regular brushing. I recommend the furminator brush–it’s truly amazing how much hair they shed. They have different brushes for different fur lengths.
Anon
I’m sorry to say this but if two members of your household are allergic to your pets, you might want to think about rehoming them, or getting a type of pet with low dander (hairless cat is the only cat I think of and they’re very much a “you like them or you don’t” sort of pet). All that said, I understand keeping them if allergies are mild and they pre-existed daughter and/or husband. For my household the following has been very helpful, most recommended by my allergist:
– Levoit air purifiers are wonderful and relatively inexpensive
– No animals in bedrooms
– When you are not at home, sequester animals off in a “safe” room so that you don’t have 9+ hours of your animals spreading their fur across the house. I promise you kitty will be perfectly fine in a decent sized room, some water, and a litter box.
– Roomba in all the main areas of the house to catch all the floor hair that you can’t see/don’t have time to pick up everyday.
– Anti-shed shampoo for the cats
– Get a pet sofa /chair cover (there are some that drape over the sofas so you can easily remove and replace in a few seconds.
– If your cats are trainable, train them to stay off the sofa. They will at minimum stay off when you are in eye sight.
Anonymous
All of it. Vacuum every day- you won’t hit every room but all surfaces including upholstered furniture. To the extent you can get rid of clutter and fluff. Air filters. Claritin. Every two weeks isn’t acceptable. Get a roomba too.
Anonymous
Man, I’ve had mice and have thought about getting a cat even though I am so, so allergic. But cat hair is like . . . glitter. Once it is on a soft surface, it is really hard to get rid of. If you have a lot of hard surfaces (leather couches, no carpets, no blinds), maybe you could vacuum and swiffer religiously. But we are all way to busy to get religion about that I think.
anon
I’ve had cats for 9 years and recently figured out that I’m allergic. The Roomba has been the biggest help. Other than that, changing the AC filter, keeping an air purifier in the bedroom, and getting rid of the area rug in the bedroom. Our cat is allowed in the bedroom, but I agree it would help to keep him out (and he spends less time there now that the rug is out).
Anon
I got a dyson so that I could vacuum the furniture daily without much hassle. I think it has made a big difference. I also vacumm much more frequently with it.
Anon
Aside from what everyone else has covered (air filters, vacuuming, brushing them outside, etc.) I highly recommend feeding the highest quality food you can. My cat and dog allergies aren’t super predictable in that I’m more allergic to some animals than others, but one factor that seems to make a big difference is the animals’ diet and skin/coat health.
One dog I had had a severe flea allergy and we were both fine as long as I kept up with his preventives and applied a repellent before trips to the park or woods. If he picked up one or two fleas he was miserable for days, and when his skin was itchy and inflamed I had a much stronger reaction to him. Another dog that I rehomed for a friend spent a few months eating bargain basement food before eventually being returned. I kept him while trying to find a new home and switched him to the food my dogs were already on in the meantime. At first I couldn’t even pet him without getting hives, but it slowly improved as his skin and coat improved and I eventually didn’t react to him at all. I don’t know if it changes the makeup of their dander or if healthier animals just shed less or whatever, but it’s worth a shot.
A couple of other tips: Don’t get the fancy hepa filters for your house HVAC. Get the cheap ones and change them much more often. The fancy ones restrict air flow, and in addition to being hard on the system that means less air gets filtered. Also, in between baths you can wipe animals down with a wet rag or baby wipes. It helps minimize dander and pick up loose hairs without the full bath experience so you can even do it multiple times a day without irritating their skin the way frequent baths can. If they go outside it also helps to wipe them down as soon as they come back in to get rid of pollen and outdoor allergens that might be complicating the situation.
Walking across Ireland
Looking for recommendations on touring companies who put together walking trips across Ireland. Bucket list goal, beginning to plan for 2020. Looking for a company that will do all logistics; move luggage; arrange nice lodging and meals at days’ end. I have found a ton of information on the internet about companies that do this type of thing; hoping someone has personal experience with a particular vendor.
RGH
Penguin Travel and Mac’s Adventure. Not me personally, but close friends used these groups over the past 2 years and had wonderful experiences.
anon.
If anyone reading this wants to do the Scottish Highlands, we had a wonderful trip on the West Highland Way – used The Highland Way to book hotels and baggage transfer and it was seamless and spectacular.
Walking across Ireland
If Ireland goes well, who knows??? Thank you!
Anon
Can we do a simple pleasures thread? My very top one might be getting really, really dirty (think multiday backpacking trip) and then finally getting to take that shower. If there’s anything more satisfying than washing off days of sweat, dust, bug spray, and sunscreen and getting into nice clean clothes, I don’t know what it is. Honestly that shower was almost better than the mountain vistas on my Labor Day trip!
Anonymous
eating a very ripe, juicy end-of-summer peach on a sunny late summer day
Cb
Perfectly ripe fruit – none of this ripen at home nonsense, reading a book under a tree, and sliding into crisp, clean sheets.
Anon
Clean sheets!
anon
I see your clean sheets and raise you freshly shaved legs (complete with new razor + lotion after) with clean sheets. Best feeling in the world.
Maudie Atkinson
Yes. THIS.
Anon
Now that after the aforementioned backpacking/not shaving for a few days/sleeping on the hard ground = absolute heaven.
Anon
Ooooh yes, clean sheets + freshly shaved legs is an amazing feeling!
blueberry
-taking a shower before bed and sliding into clean sheets
-coming home to a perfectly clean house and getting to relax
-eating ice cream that’s at the perfect level of melty (not too hard from the freezer)
-having NO PLANS for the weekend
Formerly Lilly
blueberry you are my simple pleasures twin.
anon
– A shower after a long run, followed by a hot cup of coffee
– Clean sheets
– Sleeping in
– Having a nice-smelling home
– Patio nights in late summer
– The smell of a campfire
Anon
A really clean car (Like a detailed level of clean)
Playing my piano to an empty house
Coming home every day to a made bed
Real housewives and a glass of wine (don’t judge me)
Earl Grey tea with sugar
Anonymous
Sleeping until you wake up naturally.
anne-on
Coming home from a trip to clean, fresh sheets on my OWN bed
Having a good book loaded onto my kindle waiting for me
A good strong cup of coffee with a bit of cinnamon on it
Purring cat stretched out on my legs sleeping
How excited my dog is when I get back from a trip (or in general, because, dog)
Hearing my kiddo thank us for doing something simple for him (all those years of explicitly thanking each other for doing things is finally paying off!)
Those few weeks when it’s cool enough to sleep with the windows open before it really gets too cold/warm in the fall/spring.
Never too many shoes...
Sex in the middle of the day, followed by a nap.
Triangle Pose
I love this one. Bonus if it’s on a weekday! Labor day was great for this.
anon
Walking outside on a freezing cold, very clear winter night, and looking up at the stars.
Then going inside and having a mug of hot chocolate with buttered toast. Mmmmm.
lsw
I also love showering after a super-hard workout or just getting dirty outside. Best feeling. (And I typically hate showering – maybe I should work out more?)
Finishing a great book with a perfect ending.
Catching sight of yourself in the mirror and you’re having an unexpectedly great hair day.
Sitting outside when it’s peaceful and quiet and a gorgeous day (or night).
CKB
-The smell of rain
-reading outside in the sun (or in the shade if it’s too hot)
-when camping I always wake up first while everyone else sleeps in and make myself a pour over coffee and drink it while sitting in my camp chair just soaking it all in. We camp in the mountains mostly so even in the summer the mornings can be cool. This is one of my favorite things in the world.
-morning runs in crisp autumn mornings
Anon
Martini shower – ice cold martini, steaming hot shower, New Orleans brass band playing in the bathroom.
Anonymous
i’m way too shy to let a band watch me shower—but it sounds heavenly.
pugsnbourbon
We need to get on your level.
Anon
How do you fit the whole band in the bathroom?? ;)
Anon
Haha – I mean on the radio, but you know…it’s not a terrible thought :)
Anon
I had a sidecar shower just last night! I didn’t consider music but I will next time. I might settle for just my husband and his guitar though :)
anon
The breeze on a crisp autumn day.
Maudie Atkinson
A very neatly and efficiently loaded dishwasher.
Anon
Love this!
Anon
To go along with yours – packpacking for a day and then getting down to some dutch oven camping food. Camping food is amazing.
Anokha
I don’t know if it falls under “simple”, but getting my hair blown out. I love not having to deal with it!
blueberry
+1 having someone else wash your hair yesssss
Anon
A new pair of thick wool socks :)
PolyD
That first day it’s cold enough to wear wool socks. And boots!
Ribena
I got back from a music festival yesterday, barely slept on Sunday night because it was so cold. A proper mattress, bed, and duvet last night, after a soak in a hot bath… heaven.
Anon
I never ever eat in bed, but I realized a few years ago that the only thing stopping me from doing so was me (it was a great “oh wait I’m an adult moment”).
My favorite guilty pleasure is a bowl of ice cream in bed watching my favorite standup routine. If you’re really feeling it, add a fun beer or a glass of wine.
Al
Any good blogs (besides this one) for style inspiration for business casual professional dressing in your 40s/50s?
Anonymous
If you find one, let us know. I can’t bear another thread of a too-thin 20 year old with a giant hat and a pool float.
Amy H.
You Look Fab is very good — have to dig through for anything business formal, but business casual is solid IMHO.
Anon
My husband and I just booked our plane tickets to go to Vienna and Salzburg over Thanksgiving week. Thanks for the input on going that time of year! Now I’d love any tips on your must-sees and dos in those cities, including hotels. I’d love to visit some heuriges in Vienna (they sound exactly our style of dining/drinking) so any specific recommendations for those would be appreciated. We prefer modest but not bare bones hotels and simple meals.
Ribena
I am there Sat/Sun of that week too! I’m at LilyMWrites on the socials so maybe follow me there and I can send you my massive list of recommendations. Chief among which is to go to Heindls for Kaiserschmarrn- an amazing Austrian dessert involving a mess of pancakes with sugar and stewed fruit.
Anon
Ah, I’m not actually on social media anymore but thanks for the rec on Kaiserschmarrn! Hoping to get that at the Christmas markets too :)
Ribena
In which case I’m tinea at hotmail dot co dot uk
The imperial palace will be magical at Christmas time, I was there a month earlier last time and it was already idyllic!
Bette
I stayed at the Hollman Beletage Design and Boutique Hotel, and really loved it.
Horse Crazy
A friend of mine is engaged – she lives in TX and I live in CA, where we both grew up. She came back to CA for an engagement party that her parents threw, but I couldn’t go because my mom is in the hospital. I’d like to send a card/small gift to them in TX – what should I send? They aren’t registered anywhere yet, apparently. Something that won’t be too expensive to ship. Thanks!
Clementine
His and Hers packing cubes, sent directly from Amazon Prime to their house.
(Assuming they need to travel regularly, these are one of my favorite gifts to literally give everyone.)
Anon
A gift card to a restaurant near them. I’d use open table to find a well reviewed one.
Worry about yourself
I would recommend sending them a bottle of wine or champagne to celebrate with them “in spirit,” but I have no idea how much that costs to ship or whether that’s even possible for their state. My mind goes to gift certificates, something they can enjoy together as a brief escape from the stress of wedding planning – a restaurant they like, movie passes, maybe a couples’ massage, something like that can either physically fit inside a card or can be sent digitally.
Abby
My girlfriend got me a ring holder with my future last name on it from Etsy. I use it every day and while I’m normally not into monogram, it was a really exciting gift to receive
Anon
I used to give people these but my best friend got engaged last year and got FIVE of them! I think it’s a super common gift and it’s one of those things where you really don’t need more than one (unlike champagne/flowers/gift cards etc, where it’s the more the merrier).
ElisaR
true but I have one at my kitchen sink and one at my nightstand and one at my bathroom sink…..
Abby
That’s a fair point. I only got one so of course I loved it. Another girlfriend got us a pair of cocktail glasses from anthropology with our new last name initial on them. They’re heavy & gold, we use them all the time.
Pj
Do they have a wedding date yet? If they do, get something on Etsy with their names and wedding date or year and have it shipped to them. If you search wedding gift personalized sign there are a lot of different options and different price ranges.
anon
Fave wedding gift I got was a trader joe’s gift certificate to make us a nice dinner. :)
buzzkill
what about something like The Bride and Groom’s first cookbook?
Townhouse blues -- vinyl planks over concrete?
I have a ground floor townhouse (yay — one door to the outside). But it has concrete floors. A few times in the past 10 years, dampness / minor water seepage has come through the uphill side of the ground on the outside (warping the baseboard molding, which I replaced). The concrete floors are industrial-cool, but also COLD and need to be repainted when they chip (a pain) so that the paint doesn’t peel.
What are some flooring options that any occasional dampness / wetness infiltration won’t completely ruin? Hardwoods seem out of the question. Could vinyl planks that look like wood really work (and really work over concrete)? It’s a big open layout, so rugs get expensive / heavy fast (and you can’t really clean them) and wall-to-wall would look weird (and be bad for my allergies).
Anon
Are you working with the hoa/exterior building owner to address the seepage problem? That shouldn’t be happening.
I don’t know if any flooring material that can regularly get wet and be ok.
Anonymous
Yes — they did a big waterproofing project that involved digging up the ground by the exterior uphill walls and waterproofing. It seems to have worked. But I don’t know if that sort of fix is permanent, etc. More just looking for ideas to improve my situation.
Maybe doing something with FLOR carpet tiles?
Some of the the most uphill owners on another stretch of units have put in something that looks like hardwood or vinyl planks but I missed the open house when one of them was up for sale. Haven’t met the new people yet.
Clementine
Talk to an experienced contractor – there are moisture mitigation systems commonly used in basements that can solve these problems.
Specifically, there is a product which provides a couple inches of airflow beteween the concrete and your flooring of choice. It’s a dimpled material that almost looks like bubble wrap (hard to describe). We looked at doing this in a basement with ceramic wood-look boards over it.
nona
+1. But also let the HOA know that you are continuing to get water seepage. I would still try to get that resolved. I would probably use vinyl plank instead of ceramic tile, since it’s a bit softer and you are already not a fan of the hardness of concrete.
Leaning Out?
Good morning! I’d love some advice from the wise women on this board: I am currently a senior associate at a big law firm and am sitting down for lunch with a partner in my group today to celebrate a recent deal and talk about my “gameplan” for starting the partnership process. For background: if I continued on the normal track at my firm I would go up for the first time next year, with the expectation that I would actually *make* it the year after that (the first year is widely regarded as a practice run).
I’ve been thinking about what to say at this conversation for some time, but it was unexpectedly accelerated due to outside factors (i.e., “let’s just do lunch today!”). I work very closely with this partner and he’s very familiar with my work, and I think I could count on him to be an important advocate for me when the time comes. I think he’s expecting me to sit down at lunch and say, “Okay! I’m all in! Let’s figure out what comes next.” What I’d like to say is something like: “I really enjoy my job and I’m good at it, I’ve gotten great reviews from key partners for years, I’ve developed expertise in a particular area and think I am an asset to the practice. But also, I don’t think this job is sustainable for me in the long run. I want to figure out a path forward and would like your help.”
It basically boils down to: I work Biglaw hours but I have a very small child and another one on the way, and I know a lot of amazing, fantastic, women – many of you! – make it work, but I’m struggling and I think the quality of my work (and my life) will suffer in the long run. I think my group would be open to considering a flexible arrangement but just hasn’t had to think about it before (I was the first woman in the group to take parental leave; there are very, very few female partners and none with small children). What would you do? Am I leaning out unnecessarily? Do I just say I’m all-in and then… figure something out later?
Thanks in advance!
Anon
I do think if you’re managing now, you should consider partnership. I think you work hardest when you’re grinding your way there, and can set more of your own rules once you’ve made it. I wouldn’t “leave before you leave,” as Sheryl sandberg said.
Where is your husband or partner in all of this, or are you a single mom?
Leaning Out?
I did think of Sheryl Sandberg on my drive to work today! My husband was, until two years ago, also at a big law firm. He left when we had our first kid because we didn’t think we could make it work with two law firm associate parents. He’s currently at a much less time-intensive job and has indicated he’ll support me either way, including scaling back at work and ramping up at home if I want to push for a full promotion.
Never too many shoes...
Taking that into account, I would absolutely go for it now. You can scale back later, but if you have a good chance at partnership now, and you have a leaned out supportive partner, I would work for the partnership and then make it work for you. Change the system from within.
anon
Agree 100%. I think not “leaving before you leave” is particularly apt here. If you’re making it work now, keep at it. If/when you need to scale back, do it then. I think it’s easier to temporarily scale back if it looks to others like a blip, not a pattern.
Anonymous
I think as a partner you can demand things that an associate can’t. BUT if you are a first year partner in a group where there are 10 20-year partners with SAHMs, that can be an uphill struggle. I’m in a smallish niche where the food chain above me is not local and I just started doing what I needed to do in my life and worklife and as long as the work got done, no one really cared.
Friends of mine are at a facetime-important firm and all of the moms hate it. There is an older guy who seems to do a lap at 5:05 every day just to take attendance.
Anon
There is nothing wrong with deciding that being a biglaw partner isn’t for you. Lots of people have fun, interesting jobs outside of biglaw and those jobs also allow them more time to do stuff outside of work. You just need to decided what you want. But I wouldn’t consider it leaning out, depending on what you decide to pursue, just because you decided that partnership isn’t what you want.
What is your ideal outcome? in-house job, counsel, part-time partner? I read your proposed statement as saying that you want to leave the firm and go in-house? Is that what you are trying to convey? If you are thinking more along the lines of counsel or part-time partner, I don’t get that from your proposed statement.
Leaning Out?
I think I’d like to convey interest in a counsel or part-time partner job. Any thoughts on how to make that clearer? I’d be interested in in-house, of course, but I do really enjoy my job and the people I work with here and would like to find a way to stay.
Anon
Are there partners in other practice areas that are on a reduced schedule? Has anyone in another practice area made partner when on a reduced schedule? At some firms (and in some practice groups at those firms), it is very possible to make partner when on a reduced schedule. Even if your practice hasn’t done it before, it is more likely to be successful if the firm has. If no one at your firm is on a reduced schedule or had made partner on a reduced schedule, I would be a lot more reluctant to raise this. Reduced schedules are so common now a days in firms, that the absence of that being promoted as an option would be a red flag for me.
Instead of saying that you “want to figure out a path forward and would like your help,” I would propose something more along the lines of “Would the firm consider a reduced schedule and what impact would that have on my partnership chances?” But know that this is the nuclear option, you can’t put that genie back in the bottle. If your firm isn’t supportive of reduced schedules, there is a chance that they take this is you not being committed and invite you to leave shortly.
Anonymous
Do you know any Counsels at your firm? I’d talk to them about their experience. Some of this may depend on your firm as to how they treat their counsels. I was a counsel in an AmLaw 100 firm as well as an AmLaw 200 firm. The bigger firm had a bit clearer path for counsel where you could be promoted to senior counsel. You were expected to be a subject matter expert, but not to spend (as much) time bringing in business. Very few counsel were able to switch back to a partnership track if they decided they wanted to go for that later. At the smaller firm, counsel was a weird parking lot where you were basically treated like an associate and subject to associate type policies for hours and such.
I’d find out exactly what goes into the partnership process and then decide if you can consider a part-time option.
AFT
Ditto this. Also, full disclosure, I had this conversation and asked the partner/boss I trusted for help transitioning, and it didn’t go well. There was a brief period of minimal help (basically him just saying “you should talk to this person” and not actually doing anything himself)…. and then a deadline from my firm to GTFO. It worked out OK ultimately, but mostly because I’d already been looking on my own prior to this conversation, and nothing that the firm/my boss did. In retrospect, I wonder if I should have continued moving forward w/in the firm without disclosing my desire to leave. [I know other people have had better luck with seeking out help from their firms to move on, and I’d always thought I would be one of them, but I feel like I need to share the counter-example to urge caution.]
If you’re still figuring out what you want to do and are not ready to “out yourself” as not fully committed to moving onward and upward, I would go through the conversation with the partner as an information gathering exercise for a hypothetical promotion. Since you’re sort of rushing into the conversation for reasons outside your control, don’t let that make you rush your own decision in a way that could have consequences for you with your firm.
AFT
I saw your update that you’re looking for staying at the firm in a counsel/etc. position after writing my long comment. I think exploring the partnership option makes sense even if you’re not leaving the firm.
Anonymous
100% agree, and I’m glad AFT shared her experience. Do not express ANY doubt in this conversation or it will be interpreted as you having a foot out the door.
anon
I agree with 11:13.
January
+1000. My vote is for staying the course. You’ll have more leverage if they do make you a partner (or want to).
RR
It is easier to be a partner with kids than a senior associate with kids. If you think you could make it through the next couple years, I’d recommend going for it. As a partner, your hours requirement tends to be lower, and you tend to be given a lot more latitude over when and where you do work. I had my third child as a first year partner, and it was a vastly different and more chill experience than when I was an associate. I’ve now been a partner for almost a decade, at two different firms, and the above has held true–being a non-equity partner is easier than being a senior associate, particularly if your firm doesn’t have an up or out policy. I am working to be an equity partner, but I’m able to do it on whatever timeline makes sense for me.
Anonymous
Don’t lean out. Ask if they will consider a part time partner. One of my colleagues was the first at my firm, but now it’s common so the firm can keep good lawyers (men and women) who are managing competing family commitments.
anon for this
A coworker of mine dropped a book off at my office last week called “Against Our Better Judgement: The Hidden History of How the U.S. Was Used to Create Israel”. I am not a Zionist, but I am Jewish. Coworker has always been friendly and kind to me in the past. She definitely knows I am Jewish. I’m not sure how to interpret her trying to get me to read this book, but I feel kind of weird about it. How would you handle this if you were me? Should I talk to her about it or just let it go and move on?
Anon
Take the book back over to her and ask “hey I saw you left this on my desk, is there a reason you are recommending it to me?” If she goes into a weird rant about the Israeli/Palestinian state or anything anti-semitic, book it to HR.
Anon
That’s what I would do. Don’t ignore it and stew on it, but address it promptly and see where this recommendation is coming from. Also report it to HR if you have even the slightest inkling of bad vibes to get it on the record.
Anon09er
If I were you (and I’m Jewish and Zionist, although not in favor of the right-wing current government in Israel), I would ignore, move on, and keep my distance from the coworker. Honestly, what she did is reportable to HR – she’s creating a hostile work environment based on your religion, so maybe make a record of what she did. But I would not engage. I do not discuss politics with co-workers.
anon.
Seconded. You aren’t going to “teach” her by telling her that giving you, a random Jewish person, a book about Israel is unwelcome and American Jews are not Israelis, etc. I’m conflict averse, so YMMV, but I’d probably throw it in the trash and move on, with purposeful avoidance of this person.
anon
This is what I would do. I am not Jewish, but married to a Jew. People (both Jewish and not Jewish) have felt emboldened on several occasions to give or send us unwelcome books about religion, politics, and inter-faith relationships, and other similar topics. I think they mean well, even though I do honestly get quite offended. I just think the best course of action is to toss it and pretend you didn’t get it. If she mentions it, you can decide how to move fwd.
Cb
Woah, that’s a bit bold. Have you talked about politics before? Are you planning a trip to Israel? Books are traded around my office but we’re pretty sensitive about it. I’d go in curious and ask about her rationale.
anon for this
No, we have never discussed politics and no, I am not taking a trip to Israel. I am truly baffled.
Anonymous
I would return it and say “this was a really inappropriate book to give me and it made me very uncomfortable “ and if she does anything other than profusely apologize go to HR.
Anon
+1 – this is how I would handle it as a Jewish person who supports Israel’s right to exist but not it’s current government
anon
I will, to my own detriment, always give people the benefit of the doubt. If she has been friendly it seems possible it was just bad judgment on her part to leave it without context. I’d go the route of Anon at 10:41, if only to give her a chance to own the gaffe.
anon for this
This is what I am hoping. I guess my main question is: could this be something I could safely attribute to plain ignorance, or is receiving a book like this from a coworker in this sort of context always a hostile act?
Anon
I honestly think you need to talk to her and see how she talks about it to know. Maybe she’s just really clueless?
anon for this
So, we talked and I think she’s just clueless. She has not read the book and doesn’t know what it’s actually about. She says she got the book from one of our clients (???) and felt like she should share it with me because I am Jewish and her understanding is that Jewish people are extremely interested in all things pertaining to Israel. She didn’t really get why this would make me uncomfortable. My plan is to move forward and let it go as best as possible.
need a name
I am incredibly surprised given the frequent discussions we have here about microagressions that the majority sentiment is to give her the benefit of the doubt and/or ignore and shrug it off. This is an inappropriate, hostile gesture that does not belong in the workplace. Full stop. I recognize this is the real world, and HR may not be available or present to bring it to, but this book sounds full on hostile conspiracy theory and is reported on by the ADL as furthering the virulent anti-Semitic theory that the Jewish people exercise undue influence on the world, a theory that drives some of the more intense online rhetoric which inspires acts of violence. (FWIW, I am also Jewish, not a Zionist, and do not agree with the current right-wing Israeli government or their actions towards the Palestinian people).
anon
I’m the inter-faith person above. It is without a doubt at the very least ignorant or a micro-aggression (or even an outright aggression). But the OP has to decide how much to invest her self in teaching someone else…. just like we wouldn’t ask a woc to explain why inter sectionalism is necessary in feminism. If it were my work place, I would just toss it and steer clear of the person as much as possible.
Anonymous
Majority actually said go toHR.
Anon
I agree it’s a micro-aggression, but I also don’t know that escalating every microaggression to HR does the victim any good.
Anon
Agreed. No one is saying to yell at the coworker or go scorched earth here, but you do need to have a basic conversation. “Hey, why did you leave this book on my desk?” Then wait.
Anon
That was literally every response to OP . . .
Anon
What is the “rule” about wearing summer-type clothes after Labor Day? Are things like white jeans, white blazers, and sandals okay for a few more weeks until the heat burns off? If it matters, I will be spending time over the next few weeks in DC, Atlanta, and San Diego.
Anon
Yes
Anon
I think these “rules” faded away long ago, especially when global warming has it feeling like summer way past labor day. Wear whatever colors you want no matter the time of year, the weight of your clothing matching the weather matters, not the color. I’ve seen some fabulous fall and winter looks in white coats and jeans/slacks paired with fall colored accessories.
Anon
+1
Never too many shoes...
Dress for the weather, for sure. I saw a woman at Costco on the weekend in knee high leather boots and a knit poncho that came down to the boots. It was about 75 degrees and humid and she looked like a dork.
Mpls
+1 – if it still feels like summer, dress for summer. If it feels like fall/winter – dress for those seasons. Mother Nature doesn’t care about the calendar.
Senior Attorney
This. I am in So Cal and September is the hottest month of the year here.
Anon
If it’s over 90 degrees, you can wear as much white and seersucker as you please.
Worry about yourself
Absolutely! And read up on why those now-outdated rules came about in the first place. One of the ruling theories is that it was put in place by high society so they could distinguish between “old money” and “new money.” Another theory I’ve heard connects the rule to just how difficult it was to launder white clothing, but I can’t seem to find the link to that one and it was so long ago that I’d read about it.
But anyway, most people don’t care about this rule, and the people who still put so much weight on it are being a bit ridiculous.
Anon
I need help with my fall jacket wardrobe! Budget is $300ish, would like to get 1-2 good staples, maybe a moto jacket style, but not leather, or something else equivalent. I like to feel sleek in jackets, so this loose boxy trend does not work on me. Also, I am a petite pear with narrow shoulders. I need structure.
Any ideas for brands, stores, or styles?
Anon
I know Chico’s markets to older women but I love their jackets so much as a 35 yo pear who likes tailored structured jackets. If you’re not familiar with their sizing, I’d go to a store or order several sizes and return. For reference I’m 32C, narrow back, average shoulders and I’m 0 or 0.5 in their tops.
Anon
https://www.chicos.com/store/product/indigo+epaulette+jacket/570271343?color=3793&catId=cat40001
SSJD
Do you live near an Evereve store? I suggest you check out their webs1te or go into a store. Their salespeople tend to be very helpful in putting together outfits and looks.
Gift for departing exec
A senior executive is leaving our small firm. She’s only been with us a few years, and our CEO would like to get her a going away gift. Any ideas? I’m thinking something fairly “generic” in the $250 range.
Clementine
Tasteful framed print of your city or a local vista?
Cb
Book rec…I’m reading Heartland by Sarah Smarsh about growing up poor in Kansas. I saw the author speak recently and bought the book. It’s beautifully written and really illuminated a side of American life I don’t know a whole lot about, having grown up middle class in suburban California. A bit of an antidote to Hillbilly Elegy.
Anon
I could not get through that book. I agree the writing in some passages is very beautiful, but overall it just didn’t hold my interest that well and was such a slog. I know JD Vance has some problematic views, but I found Hillbilly Elegy way more unputdownable.
Anon
That’s been on my list to read for ages. Thanks for the rec! I also really enjoyed Educated by Tara Westover which has similar themes. It was the best book I read last year.
Anon
I didn’t love Hillbilly Elegy or Educated (or maybe both had just been overhyped), but another book in the same vein that I thought was better was Strangers in their Own Land.
Suburban
Did you find “strangers in their own land” frustrating? I did. It felt so honest, but it also didn’t have a satisfactory explanation for what still feels like a paradoxical worldview.
Anon
I did but in a way that made it clear to me that others’ viewpoints and opinions are so much more complex (and baffling) than we assume. I’ve found that some of my friends and family will say that people are “voting against their own interests” or “uneducated” and while I may agree with that in some ways, the book made me reconsider some of my own snap judgments.
Anonymous
Does anyone have resources or suggestions for estate planning with stepchildren? I have no idea where to even start. (I’m the step-parent, my husband and I have separate finances, we also have bio children, but I want to include my stepchild.) I was hoping to read anecdotes of how people have handled this.
Anon
I think the biggest issue is from your husband’s perspective: the nightmare scenario is that he passes away and leaves everything to you, and then you change your will and leave everything to your bio kids. Your estate planning needs to ensure that part of his money gets left to all of his children, not just the children you two have together.
OP
Good point! I definitely plan to make provision for my stepchild in my own estate planning, I’m just trying to figure out whether it’s an even split or what makes sense. She’s ten years older than our oldest and her mother is still living also.
Anon
You’re completely missing the point. His bequest to his child needs to not be dependen upon your goodwill.
MNF
You’re probably better off asking for EP lawyer recommendations, this is a common situation a good lawyer can discuss with you. If you post a location, you may get some here.
Flats Only
This. An Estate lawyer will walk you through questions and scenarios that will help you understand the nuances and options.
Anonymous
Thanks – in PA, if that helps with recommendations!
PA EP Attorney
Yep, talk to a local EP attorney (quite common in PA). PA is an inheritance tax state, so that will come into play with noncommon children.
OP
Thanks!
anon
Yup! I am an estate planning attorney. This is exactly why you should pay a professional and not just use software. :)
Tapering SNRI/SSRI and Bridging
Anon for this– has anyone had experience tapering off an antidepressant? My doctor wanted me to do a “slow taper” over 4 – 6 weeks, and then switching to a new medication. The only reason I’m switching meds is to one that’s more clinically proven safe for pregnancy, as my partner and I want to start trying soon. I’ve read tons and tons of horror stories online about withdrawal, how terrible switching meds is, etc, but wanted to see if it was jiving with other people’s experiences. After taking 1 step down in meds (25%, per my doctor) I’ve started experiencing symptoms that have been significant, but at least mostly tolerable. I’m not sure whether to listen to my doctor and take the next step down (50% of my current, lower dose) or insist on a slower taper.
pugsnbourbon
Welp your doc is at least more informed on this than mine was – she told me “yeah, you just stop taking the cymbalta and start the escitalopram, you’ll be fine” and it does not work that way.
That said, if you’re at least able to manage the symptoms know, I’d proceed with your doctor’s plan. I think for most meds there is a crummy period that you just have to get through. If it gets truly unbearable, check back in and taper more slowly.
Anon
For me, a taper that slow would just draw out the “pain” – I’d want to taper more quickly to get to the new drug more quickly. That said, I’m one of those people who responds nearly instantly to drugs (of any kind) that work for me, so that whole bit about how you need 6 weeks for an antidepressant to work for you is completely untrue for me – I can tell within hours and definitely within 2-3 days if the antidepressant and I will get along.
FWIW, if you’re tapering off Paxil, it was out of this world rough for me – I’d recommend doing a quick-ish taper, with the lowest Paxil days over a weekend when you don’t have to see outsiders. And then already have the new drug on hand to start slowly building that one up.
Coach Laura
Stopping Paxil was awful for me in retrospect. It’s the only one I’ve been on so I have no comparison but I think the anxiety was bad. For some reason I thought it might be fun to go horseback riding (which wasn’t new to me) and I freaked out and had to stop riding that day. It has made riding more anxiety producing. I agree that the lowest transitional Paxil days should be stay-at-home or weekend days.
anon
I tapered off lexapro a long time ago and basically spent a weekend miserable on my couch. I do not recall whether I just stopped taking it or tapered off quickly, but I know I did not do a slow taper on that one. I have tapered off wellbutrin a few times with no adverse effects – both a very slow taper and a much shorter one. Even though going off lexapro was miserable, it was very short lived and worth it to switch to a med that was more effective for me.
Anonymous
Talk to your doctor about your concerns! I’ve been on and off several antidepressants and experienced some symptoms, but for me ramping up is generally worse than ramping down. But if you have no deadline for TTC, there’s no reason you can’t go slower. I would just do it with your doctor’s knowledge.
anon
I was in your shoes about two years ago when I was TTCing (although I ultimately decided to taper off entirely rather than switch to Zoloft, which is one of the safer ones for pregnancy). It was literally the hardest thing I have ever done. I did it slowly, with the help of my doctor, but I was pretty miserable the entire pregnancy and almost went back on during my third trimester. I think it took me almost two months to taper off and it was not pleasant. If you think going more slowly would help, then by all means tell your doctor that, but TBH it may not make much of a difference if that drug works well for you and the new drug doesn’t.
Anonymous
Any good fall look book round ups? I just want a sense of what the fashions are.
Relationship resentment
How do you get over feelings of resentment in a relationship?
I am from Toronto, love Toronto, and think I will forever consider Toronto home. My entire family is there, my friend network is there, the best Canadian job prospects in my field are there, etc. However, four years ago, I took a job contract in Ottawa (4.5 hour drive away) to get niche work experience, always thinking that I would eventually return to Toronto.
A year after moving to Ottawa, I met the woman who is now my spouse. When we started dating, I told her that in the short-term future I would want to move back to Toronto, and she expressed openness to that. Then once we had been dating for over a year, a real opportunity to move back materialized and she essentially told me she would break up with me if I moved back, and would not consider moving or any sort of long-distance arrangement. At that time, I could tell that she was “the one” and decided to forego the opportunity and stay in Ottawa. We’re married now and own a house.
The thing is, I don’t really like Ottawa. I want to go back home. I wouldn’t have started dating my now wife if I’d known before I fell totally in love with her that she would never consider moving. Now I feel resentful because fo certain reasons my future does not look bright here (I cannot speak French, for example, which isn’t an issue at all in Toronto but means I cannot continue in my line of work here at any higher level). I miss my family, I miss my friends, I miss feeling like I have lots of professional options and potential. Now that the newness of Ottawa and our relationship has worn off, I am in a lot of pain over this and it’s starting to show in our relationship. My wife grew up here (Ottawa is to her what Toronto is to me) – has all her friends, family, here – I feel like I have sacrificed everything and she has had to sacrifice nothing to make our relationship work. It kills me to acknowledge that if the tables were turned (if she had to live in a different city to be with me) she wouldn’t have made the same choice and we wouldn’t be together. Practically, how do I overcome my resentment about this?
Anonymous
You don’t. You go to couples therapy. You figure it out togetheras a team.
Anonymous
You have to own your choices. You’re resenting her because you feel like she’s imposing this unfair restriction on you, or maybe pulled a bait and switch, but that’s not true and is really unfair. You turned down the job, married her, and bought a house – all after she told you that she wasn’t moving. You decided that a life with her in a less than ideal location was better than a life without her in your preferred town. That was you. Not her. Put yourself back in that moment and remember why you made the choice you did.
And look if it turns out in retrospect that choice wasn’t the right one – you’re not trapped! There is absolutely something you can do! You can say, I am not happy living here and I want to move home. If that means we divorce then we do. But what you can’t do is continue to resent her because of your own choices.
OP
I completely understand your logic and even agree with much of it – but I do truly feel like there was a bait and switch and that is where the resentment is coming from.
I explained very clearly at the beginning of dating that we should only start if she was willing to consider a move or a long distance arrangement in the near future. Everything was prefaced with the “me being in Ottawa is temporary” conversation. She was supportive of that. Until our lives were already extremely intertwined – until we were living together, until we were in love with each other. Then the tune changed to “I will not move and probably will never move now that my sister has a child.” Yes, I did decide to stay with her then, but it’s not like there was really an easy option – break up with the woman who I thought was my person? Either choice I made there was going to lead to an emotionally fraught situation. Either me wondering whether it was worth it to break up with her, or me wondering whether it was worth it do commit to Ottawa in order to do so. And I feel it is unfair that I even had to be in that position given all the open discussions we had at the beginning.
Anonymous
I’m the person you’re responding to. You’re right that your situation is unfair. Sometimes life throws us impossible decisions and we have to choose between bad or worse. That sucks, no two ways about it.
Where you get off track is blaming her for this unfair sucky situation. Look, life changes and you can’t always plan around it. It doesn’t sound like she really committed to the idea of moving in the first place – saying “I’ll consider it” is about as noncommittal as you can get – and frankly even if she did, things change. I don’t think it’s fair or relationship preserving to hold some non-promise against her like you seem to be doing. And I mean, what’s the logical conclusion of your train of thought anyway? “This woman is the love of my life but I wish I’d never dated her”? Based on what you’ve said here, it doesn’t seem like that’s really how you feel.
But sometimes we come from a place of emotion, not logic, and if that’s where you are then a logic-driven response (like mine) isn’t that helpful. Maybe if she made you feel heard, if she acknowledged how sucky this is for you, you’d feel less resentful about it? Those are things you can work through with a couple’s therapist (though if you do couples therapy please be sure your true goal isn’t – I’m going to drag her to therapy and let the therapist convince her to move).
Anonymous
You need to get over it. It wasn’t a bait and switch. She changed her mind. People are allowed to do that. You decided she was worth it.
anon0321
This is my life- but in the US. Just my 2 cents.
1- You guys need to talk. Maybe it wasn’t an option before you guys got serious. Maybe it is now. Maybe it would be in the future.
2- Start investing in your life there. Get involved in the community. Volunteer. Find friends and make a new chosen family. Is there anything you can do to change your current situation that would make it better? For me it was that I needed to live walking distance to a city, even if that meant giving up a bigger house in the burbs. It’s the only way I can feel happy here.
3- Reassess what your work options REALLY are. Change that if you can. Ask to work remotely if you can so that you can do more of #4.
4- build plenty of travel funds into your yearly budget. We spend about $10k a year going back to my hometown. We do it once a month if possible, but at the very least quarterly.
Anon
I don’t quite understand – are you resigned to staying in Ottawa and really just want to stop blaming your spouse for ending up there and learn to be happy? Without a heavy dose of self delusion, I don’t know how you can NOT be resentful if you’re stuck some place you can’t do the work you want to do, with no plan to address your needs eventually. I think I’d be looking for an exit plan if my partner was not willing to compromise anything for my needs. There are many chapters in our lives and most of them require compromise, we just hope that at the end of the day it’s even enough that we still like each other.
Anon
“I think I’d be looking for an exit plan if my partner was not willing to compromise anything for my needs.”
Exactly.
I moved for my spouse, but a huge part of that was his willingness – genuine willingness, evidenced by an energetic job hunt in my region – to move for me. It’s REALLY hard anyway… I cannot imagine giving up everything I had built if he had essentially issued me an ultimatum over it.
OP
I mean, yeah, at this point I am resigned to staying because my wife will not entertain leaving. Yes, I did decide to marry her even after she said she would not move the first time, but the anti-move sentiment got stronger and stronger and stronger and continues to get even moreso all the time (now that her sister has a child, for example). I completely agree with a lot of the logic of the poster at 11:53 that I made my own choices. But I feel like I was forced to make incredibly difficult choices (between her and my home) that I tried to explicitly avoid in the beginning by being open about my need to move back to Toronto eventually.
BeenThatGuy
I recommend therapy, like most have also said. Can you start spending time in Toronto without her? I’m thinking every 3rd weekend you head “home” and spend time with family and friends and enjoy the city you love most. Maybe on the drive to and from, you can listen to an audiobook on how to speak French. Then the other weekends you do something to involve yourself with your “new” community in Ottawa.
Anonymous
OP, with love, you are stuck in a position of resentment and anger because you won’t let yourself move off of that place. You are sulking and pouting over something that you absolutely do have the power to change. Time to grow up and take some responsibility for your own happiness (or lack thereof).
It honestly sounds to me like you would rather live in Toronto than stay married to your spouse. Maybe when you two got married you were still in “honeymoon” phase and the compromises seemed easier, and now the bloom is off the rose a little bit and you are revisiting your choice instead of investing mental energy and enthusiasm into embracing your current reality. Let me be clear: This is your choice. You are choosing to do this to yourself, and to your spouse. Whether you see it or not, you are at a place of choice in this situation. The choice is: do you leave your relationship and move back to your hometown or do you stay with your spouse and make the best of the situation? There are pros and cons to either choice. What you don’t get to do is drag your spouse back to your hometown kicking and screaming and let her resent you for forcing her to make that choice. You also don’t get to stay in the relationship, and pout and sulk because you didn’t get what you wanted. That’s not what adults get to do. It’s not fair to you and it certainly isn’t fair to your spouse. Don’t punish her for drawing a clear boundary and sticking to it. Don’t punish yourself by staying in a situation you can’t live with. When you don’t like a situation, you have only two choices: Change the situation, or change how you feel about it. You’re the only one who can do the former. Therapy can help a lot with the latter.
Anon
Oh man, my heart breaks for you because this is a heartbreaking situation! But life sometimes includes choosing between two bad options and I think you need to work on how you move past that. You were presented with a choice, you made your decision, you can’t go back in time.
Anonymous
From a practical perspective, I think therapy (for you or as a couple) would be very helpful. Obviously, I only know you through what you’ve just written, but your feelings about Ottawa sound like a red herring to me. I moved from Philly – where I grew up and had settled after living in other cities for undergrad and graduate school- to Boston so my then-boyfriend now husband could finish his medical training. 10+ years later, I find that I’m most likely to feel resentful about the impact of the move on my career and distance from family, etc. when my husband and I are having other relationship issues. It’s a very tangible “injury” that I can focus on.
At least in the short term, try to be a little easier on your wife — she didn’t start dating you knowing that you were about to move. She started dating you– in Ottawa, I might add– with the understanding that there was a significant but not certain chance that you would want to move. I’m guessing she thought long and hard before saying she wouldn’t move with you to Toronto, so it’s not fair to say that she wouldn’t “consider” moving. Obviously, this is something you want to discuss in therapy, but don’t build her up in your own mind as a callous jerk before you get to work through the issues.
Also, in the moment, try to remind yourself of the aspects of Ottawa that are better than Toronto — and there must be some. From watching US TV, I know that Toronto has expensive real estate and super long commutes, and that’s not my sense of Ottawa. It looks like you’re closer to mountains in Ottawa – is that a draw?
Never too many shoes...
OP, therapy for sure – the resentment (not of living in Ottawa but of feeling like you were duped into thinking that something was on the table and now is not) will ruin your relationship. I feel like this might be a dealbreaker for you though, beyond the “price of admission” that Senior Attorney talks about.
To the poster above, I am a Toronto girl who spent three long, awful years in Ottawa and I really feel the OP’s pain. Ottawa has little to redeem it – it is a government town which can often feel like high school writ large among the various government cliques, the shopping is awful (you need to go to Montreal or Toronto if you care at all about clothes), no subway, and there is not much culture to speak of. Plus it is beyond freezing in winter and, as stated, lack of French will limit your career growth (especially in government). It is quite walkable, has some decent restaurants and farmer’s markets and is quite pleasant maybe two months per year., and it does have cheaper real estate.
OP, if you are living in the burbs, I would at the very least demand a move to the Glebe, the Market or Sandy Hill so that you are at least living in a “city”. But honestly, it sounds like your wife has her mind made up, so you two are going to have to find some way to bridge the divide – is there a midway that could work like Kingston? Although then I think that is just two people miserable with where they live likely.
OP
Thanks to all for the thoughtful advice and to you Never too many shoes… It’s good to know I’m not alone in my feelings about Ottawa. I think there are certainly benefits to living in Ottawa over Toronto, but they don’t work out in my calculus. Neither my wife nor I want children, so child friendliness is not a factor. Proximity to nature is not either, as I much prefer cultural amenities (music, plays, food, etc) and am not a hiker/biker/runner/camper type. As for real estate costs – we own in Sandy Hill now, and that means we are close to the “action” – however, how much “action” there is really depends on your perspective. Coming from Toronto, I would rather rent for the rest of my life and enjoy my day-to-day more over being able to afford a house in a place I don’t love. Appreciate having this space to discuss these feelings!
anon
Can you make a plan to visit very regularly? I know it’s not the same as living in your beloved home city, but since the job market for spouse and me keeps me a 14-hour plane ride from home and family, I am looking at any city within 6 hours driving/train from my home as an acceptable solution.
Anonymous
Being from neither and having lived in both, Ottawa is way way more family friendly. I’d move to yow in a heartbeat but you couldn’t get me to touch the Yyz real estate market nightmare. I would try to embrace some things about Ottawa (cycling or skiing in Gatineau Park, or running along the canal) independent from your spouse and also make a regular schedule for visits to Yyz. It’s an expensive 1hr flight or a 5-6hr drive which makes visits super easy. Find an Airbnb in Yyz to make your regular spot so it feels like a second home.
The reality is you chose Ottawa because you chose your spouse who was upfront about staying there.
Seafinch
This is absolutely true for me, as well. I feel the exact same way. I am also feeling very resentful and taken advantage of in my husband’s hometown of Ottawa (I would have more support in Toronto by a little bit but am from neither) and you couldn’t pay me to go to T.O now after kids and a very short commute. My resentment stems from a lot of other sacrifices and issues and while I haven’t figured it out by any stretch, someone here recommended Dr. Andria Robin as a therapist and she is amazing. That is where I have started and it has helped.
Anonny
So as an ex Torontonian, current committed Ottawan I feel like I have unique insight:
1. Have you made your own friends?
2. Are you a fed?
3. Do you want to learn French?
I think those 3 factors greatly impact the solution.
Anon
Torontonian (transplant) here, who is now tied to a city I don’t love because my partner was unwilling to leave the city.
All the therapy and talking and blah blah are obviously good ideas. I think you should also start requesting some compromise. Eg: Frequent weekend trips to Toronto, which you know is a very reasonable train ride away. Even if your SO would rather chill in Ottawa with her family, well, tough because your family and friends are in Toronto.
Are there things you liked to do in Toronto that are harder to do in Ottawa? Make a special effort to do them – whether that be music or restaurants or whatever.
The French thing is hard. I assume SO does speak professional French? Obvs you know you should learn, and she should be there suffering with you on the front lines while you do it.
Maybe this is already the case, but SO should be going out of her way to try and help you make non-work friends, connect you to people you would like, etc. etc. In my Toronto experience, people don’t move around a ton so it can be hard to break into new social circles. You have made your life in a new city for her and she should be helping you with that for YEARS to come…
The professional thing is hard – without knowing your exact industry, I feel your pain re: career prospects in Ottawa. No advice, just sympathy.
Coach Laura
My first thought was that you need to commit to staying or plan to leave, as this current situation will eat you and your relationship up.
I think it’s like buyer’s remorse. Therapy, talking through it, are the only options besides leaving. If you want to give staying a good-faith effort, I think you should start French lessons, and it’d be good if your wife took French with you if she needs to learn/learn more or helps you with the French if she’s an expert speaker.
Anon
I was in a similar situation and my resentment continued to grow over time until the relationship ended.
I think that it stems from the fact that you are willing to compromise, but your partner has given an ultimatum without any consideration of your feelings. Whether or not you signed up for it, or married her anyway, or whatever the circumstance- having a partner who refuses to even consider the negative impact on your life is very difficult.
I think if my partner had recognized or acknowledged the difficulty on me or even empathized at all, it would be a different situation. It seems like that is what you are lacking as well.
Anonymous
Has anyone used BetterHelp.com?
Anon
Yes. I think it’s use depends on your needs. You have unlimited access to messaging your therapist (mine responds every 1-2 days, but none of my needs are urgent) and a 30 min call per week. I find the constant messaging is nice to give more back story to my issues and also for me to ponder on things throughout the week. I find 30 min to be barely enough to hit on something but not really enough time to address more than one issue, though there’s follow-up on messaging. It’s also very convenient to take a phone call from my office mid-day rather than get to/from and schedule a weekly doctor appointment. All that said, I sometimes wonder if I’d get more value in 60 min sessions with someone face to face, even though at bottom I’m getting the help I need.
Anon
Late response, but in case you’re still checking this…
I used TalkSpace, which is similar but 60 minute video sessions (plus unlimited texting). It absolutely held me together the last year of Biglaw. I was exhausted, constantly sick, and on medication for anxiety/depression, all directly linked to my work situation. I didn’t have the time to leave the office for in-person therapy sessions and certainly didn’t have the mental energy to deal with finding a therapist in person. My TalkSpace therapist helped me hold it together and process that awful year as I tried to balance a toxic Biglaw situation with job searching to get out (spoiler alert: I have a wonderful in-house job now!). I would absolutely recommend the online therapy route if it fits your needs at that moment.
anon0321
US Fed health care plans- please help me decide! This is following a leave of absence after a maternity leave- so will only be for this Sept to Dec.
We have 2 young kids (1 newborn, 1 4yo) and my older one is a seasoned ambulance rider due to a few, not bad in the end, seizures. We’ll also need at least 1 wellness visit for each kid in the next 3 months before the next plan starts up.
We also travel a lot, so need to be able to see drs out of state if necessary.
Everything else, barring major emergencies, we can wait on until next year.
We also WAY over funded our HSAs earlier this year because we thought the birth would be more expensive (so have like 2k in there extra that has to be used this year).
Thanks!
anon0321
Also- would prefer not to do Kaiser. I actually love them in general, but getting records from them when plans change or we move has been a disaster in the past, so would prefer to just keep our current pediatricians.
Anon
I’m not a fed, but I’ve done the math and it makes sense for us to have our kids on a low premium/high deductible plan, with the caveat that we could cover the deductible in case of emergency. Well visits should be free under any plan, and ER visits out of state are generally considered in-network as well. If you have a lot of money in HSAs you can use for things like ear infections that will randomly pop up in the winter, then your expected out of pocket healthcare costs are low, and I’d look to the lowest premium plan.
Abby
I don’t have advice for the plan, but check if you overfunded your HSA or FSA. HSA you can leave the money in there (and invest) where it will grow tax free. FSA must be used by the end of the year.
Anon
Personally, I would just pick the plan you intend to stay on. Don’t force yourself to research them twice before the end of the year, and deal with potentially having to find new doctors.
With regards to the HSA, if’ it’s an HSA, you don’t have to worry. The money can stay in it. If it is a FSA, the fed plan allows you to carry $500 over to the next year. For the remaining $1,500, I would order glasses and contacts, and stock up on first aid kit stuff that is covered. I would also get other optional appointments taken care of, stuff like the dentist that I tend to put off for too long.
Anon
Op here- I’m not the fed, it’s my husband’s plan because we are being kicked off of my amazing plan (we can rejoin it for 1/1).
It’s the one where you lose the extra money (we each maxed them out and can each roll over $500), I always get them confused, but I did double check.
Anon
On the fed health options in Oregon- everyone in my office chooses Blue Cross. The first year I ran the numbers and used Aetna, which should have worked out on paper but totally didn’t (still not sure why? they just refused to pay a darn thing?). My coworkers said, “honey, we could have told you!” and I haven’t any hassle since.
anon
Good perspective… a healthcare plan that is a pita to make claims on is almost just as worthless as not having one (we have anthem and they 3rd party mental health stuff to beacon, which is totally useless, so the recent frustration is real when I had to billabong back and forth btwn voicemails to cover a developmental pediatrician for my daughter). My friend also recc’d BC when I asked her.
Anon
Where I am (Northern New England) blue cross basic (the cheaper one) is better than blue cross standard (the more expensive one. That’s because everyone here is in the blue cross network so there are no out of network providers that would warrant using the standard.
need a haircut in NYC
Does anyone have a salon they recommend in NYC? I have kind of boring/thin hair and need a stylist who has some vision, otherwise I’m just like “trim it 2 inches”.
Anom
Borough? Neighborhood?
Anonymous
I’m in Brooklyn/Park Slope but would go anywhere downtown/midtown Manhattan too, especially west side.
Anonymous
Jocelyn at Danka Panka in Carroll Gardens.
anon
When I am in town and in a position to go, Suite 303 on Bond Street. I’ve been going there on-and-off since 2012, and have loved every haircut I get there.
Anonymous
The Astor Place Barbershop- go see Martha, downstairs. It looks like a weird basement, but she’s amazing and the prices can’t be beat.
Anon
Hi ladies, I am leaving my biglaw firm (yay!) and would like to give my assistant a nice gift. Any suggestions? I’ll be giving her her holiday bonus as well, but we have a great relationship and I hope to suggest her for a job at my new firm if any materialize. Thank you!
non
I would normally say show your appreciation in cash but since you’re already giving her her holiday bonus, deliver it in a card with a lovely message (and strongly imply or directly state that if she ever would like you’d endorse her for a position at your new work place) and some nice consumbable – fancy chocolates, wine, gift basket.
Seeking Joy
I have read with great interest a couple of recent threads regarding how to find joy when life feels like a slog. I’m 39, never married, no kids, and until recently, have been running in circles in the bowels of online/app dating. Adopting my dog two years ago has brought me more fulfillment, contentment, and – yes, joy – than almost anything I’ve ever done. I realize not everyone is in a position to adopt a dog, but for those who are, I cannot recommend it enough.
I was told my dog was a young adult, who had been fixed, and was heartworm negative. It turned out none of this was accurate: she was at least 10 y.o.; I realized she wasn’t fixed when she went into heat on my fluffy white pillow; and when I took her in to get her fixed, found out she was HW positive. That kicked off months of treatments, but I now have a (maybe?) 12-year old, healthy, loving, snuggly sweetheart. I may never have kids; while I don’t conflate dog ownership and parenting, caring for my dog fulfills much of my desire to care for someone else and receive love and devotion in return. And take this also as a pitch for senior dog adoption, which is not something I would have sought out. For me, so far, it has worked remarkably well: my dog is calm, has no problem with sleeping for 20 hours a day, came about 75% house-trained, doesn’t chew things she isn’t supposed to, and since she’s so food-motivated, has been very trainable.
TL;DR: to increase the joy in your life, adopt a (senior) dog.
Anonymous
I feel the same way about my 6 year old cat.
Anon
+1. Agree that it is obviously not close to equivalent of raising a child, but does provide an outlet fun, loneliness (for me it was the silent house) and giving and receiving love when you’re not in a position to or don’t want to have children. for any nurturing needs. There is nothing like coming home to a joyful resident after a long day.
lsw
I adopted a senior dog after I broke up with a serious boyfriend (while admitting and making fun of myself for the fact that it was totally partly about that) and it was one of the best choices I ever made. Senior dogs are the best!!!
Anon
Yes! Pets can be a. amazing source of joy if you like animals and are in a pet-friendly situation. I actually tried to adopt a senior dog and ended up getting the bait-and-switch in the opposite direction. I picked out a sad, slow, dusty old mutt at my city’s worst kill shelter, only to find out that she was a very sick six month old. After spending a rough year getting her back into a good shape, I’ve been lucky to spend the last decade with a great friend. I still plan to try for a senior next time though.
For anyone who misses the companionship of a dog but doesn’t have the time and lifestyle to accommodate one, I’d like to recommend pet rats. They’re clean, smart, and have very dog-like personalities. They’re super social, but a (same sex!) pair or trio in a big cage is quite low maintenance. They’ll love to hang out with you when you’re home, but happily keep each other company when you’re not. With an extra water bottle and a stockpile of food they can also be left alone for weekend trips.
Anon Corp Lawyer
Anyone make the transition from biglaw to the “business” (or any other non-legal) side? If so, could you please let us know whether you went from corporate (and which practice group!) or litigation, at what year and what kind of role it is?
I think it’s dawning on me that I may not want to be an M&A associate for very long (I’m 2 years in) but the good legal roles out there as corporate counsel generally need more years. While I think I could suck it up for a bit longer to get there, sometimes I also wonder whether I’ll be more satisfied in a non-legal role. If you’ve made that leap, what was your thought process? Thank you!
Anon
I strongly urge you to consider 1) in house as an option, many companies have in-house positions starting at years three and four and 2) Determine whether you will ever want to go back into law at or near the level you currently are. If you stop practicing law two years in, it will be very hard to get back in if you decide you don’t like the business side. If I looked at your resume trying to get back in to law, I would assume you didn’t like law but couldn’t hack it in business and were trying to find something temporary until the next thing. You won’t have enough experience to be useful if you want to return. You will always be able to practice but not in the way I think you or would want.
Anon
Stressed out OP from last week: I have a massage scheduled for this afternoon. I broke down sobbing after work yesterday (yes I worked all weekend) so kinda realized that I’d hit my wall.
Thank you all for your advice!
Anonymous
Here all weekend too. Solidarity and have a great massage. You earned it!
Anonymous
Quick update/need more good thoughts/good stories – I posted last week about finding a lump. Initial diagnostic scans were “inconclusive” so they are sending me for a needle biopsy later this week. Any words of encouragement? Positive anecdata?
Anon
Quick update/need more good thoughts/good stories – I posted last week about finding a lump. Initial diagnostic scans were “inconclusive” so they are sending me for a needle biopsy later this week. Any words of encouragement? Positive anecdata?
Anon
My gyno found a lump when I was 22, and my follow up ultrasound determined it was a mass and not a cyst. I had a core needle biopsy which came back clean. It was the icing on the cake of a very very tough year (moved to a new city where I knew one person, 2 grandparents died, my childhood dog died 2 days before the lump was found). I won’t lie, it was tough. Be really, really kind to yourself.
I’d recommend taking off the day of the biopsy. I had not accrued much PTO and I fought to be allowed to telework after my procedure, but I wish I had taken off. Either ask for extra ice packs or pick up some before the procedure. Get small ones though, because a regular ice pack was too heavy for me.
I was a scared 22 year old in the midst of the worst year of my life, I walk into the waiting room and they’re showing Marley and Me! After I cried (my dog literally had just died), I eventually had to laugh about the absurdity of the situation, truly Murphy’s Law. I mean, who allows that to be played at an oncology office!
Anon
Anon 3:38 here -I’ll add that I’m only in my mid 20s and I can think at least 4 friends who had inconclusive scans and needed to get needle biopsies. We all were cancer free! My cousin needs biopsies almost every year (for prob the past 20+ years) and they’ve all been clean.
I spent a LOT of time that fall trying to find the humor in my situation. Let me tell you, there is no worse time for an open office plan than when you need to call to schedule a breast ultrasound and then a breast biopsy! I was practically hiding in the lobby trying to make those phone calls and dodging a creepy boss