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Reader I am divorcing him
Good morning – just wanted to update (TLDR separating from abusive alcoholic husband….)
I find myself in need of some internet positive thoughts. In good news, thank you all for your pushing on the garden furniture (not that sort of gardening….) I now have some that I have been enjoying over the last week, and I have been out and about seeing and talking to a lot of friends, and taking part in a favourite hobby. My diary is booked up till mid July, and so far I have managed to keep most appointments and not bail in a ball of self-pity, and I am seeing my therapist regularly.
But I am still struggling with the finality of it all. It is so hard to answer the casual question I get from people ‘how are you?’. I veer from ‘fine thank you’ to probably oversharing. I am sending more of his stuff back to him via a mutual friend, which I realise is creating a real trigger point for me. Unravelling over 10 years of shared goods is one of the hardest things, the dinner plates that he brought into our lives – which I didn’t even really like – I haven’t had time to go and buy some new ones, so I am just looking at the empty space in the cupboard. So I am planning one final sweep and then getting movers to pack it all up and send it back to him. There are some deeply emotional things that I know are as significant as the divorce papers, and I cannot bring myself to do anything about them (think the shared soft toy we took everywhere….) Plus the police process comes to another decision point this week, and I am terrified what might happen next – not in terms of it going nowhere, but in what he might try to drag up about me and our life.
It is so hard still to acknowledge the ‘bad’ version of him, and to accept that that is what he was, even though there were many good things in our history. I know the right things to say, but a large part of my heart is still saying ‘maybe it wasn’t that bad’ and wishes it could go back to some (fictional) point in time when I could have changed something.
Thank you for listening x
Cat
You are freeing up space to create memories, whether alone or with a future partner, that don’t involve tiptoeing around abuse. Hugs!
Anon
Hugs. Please continue to vent here – it’s (hopefully) a safe space for that.
anon
It doesn’t feel like that right now, but I am proud of you for making your way through this. All the virtual love and support to you!
Anon
You are amazing and so strong. Imagine the other women reading this who are where you were, and are taking inspiration from you to get themselves to where you are now. This must be so incredibly difficult, day by day, but you’ve already proven how tough you are. You’ve got what you need to keep on trucking, step by step. Sending all the hugs.
Another you
Hi it’s me I am going through the is but not with an alcoholic and not as urgently but I’ll be doing this in the next 3-6 months so thank you for posting and reading thank you
Reader I am divorcing him
Sending you strength for the future. You will do it! For me being able to talk to friends and internet strangers has been my lifesaver. X
go for it
here is a script for the “how are you” questions:
“as well as can be expected under the circumstances”
I know it is woo woo, yet still, I have done a sage ceremony of my house post divorce that
helped clear my psychic space.
Reader I am divorcing him
Thank you, others have suggested that to me!
anon
here is one very small solution you did not ask for: buy this Corelle set – it is cheap and takes up very little space, and you can use it until you have the brain space to find something you really like. A clean slate of dinnerware: https://www.target.com/p/corelle-16pc-vitrelle-livingware-dinnerware-set-frost-white/-/A-88142336#lnk=sametab
Cora
This is what I was thinking – just buy a simple set from Target or even Amazon so that you have plates and don’t have that gap in the cabinet.
Anon
I am a year and a half out from separation, so further along than you. I have no advice other than to say what I felt. I found that as time went by after separation I kept thinking “it wasn’t that bad” even though I knew it was that bad, in my heart. But I just let myself have those thoughts/feelings and did not act on them. And somehow, by just moving forward, I am now a year and a half away from a bad marriage and now I am creating my own little life one tiny step at a time.
Reader I am divorcing him
Thank you! It is probably the hardest thing not acting on the thoughts, particularly when all it would take is a 10 second text message.
Risked Credit
Big hugs from someone who is divorced and having to try and coparent with an emotionally abusive man.
Please go and get yourself a therapist. It really helped me. If you are in Texas, Washington DC, Maryland or Virginia I am happy to share the details of my therapist. If not, find someone who has experience of trauma, abuse/neglect, ADHD/ADD, anxiety, anger issues and depression. You want someone who has family therapy experience as well as individual. I always ask and go with therapists who have worked with CPS or state agencies including prisons because in my experience that’s where the best training is because the therapists see the really bad stuff. They can help you also with the legal side in terms of preparing your nerves for court, mediation or just how to best communicate issues without getting upset.
You are right to be terrified of what might happen next regarding the police process. I have had a terrible experience with the police here in Texas but my therapist has helped me build a safety plan. I live in a managed building, she helped me with deciding to have cameras installed and communicate with neighbors, all of whom are packing. One neighbor is great with putting the tracker put on my car on his car. He is in the military so goes to one of 4 bases. My ex husband has started asking questions and I am shrugging my shoulders going what are you talking about!
There is a good side to everyone and its fine to acknowledge that. I left my marriage because I wanted to provide a home for my children free from abuse so at least they would know the difference. I recommend finding the reason for leaving. I would presume you are leaving your marriage because alcohol is your husbands first love, not you. Yes its an illness but when you are sick a normal person seeks help. He hasn’t. That is not fair on you.
Finally, I didn’t get divorced expecting to find another man. I am in my 40s and honestly its very slim pickings. The majority of men are available because their first wife rejected them for good reason. I have not even bothered to sign up for online dating. My ex husband did and honestly his girlfriend is a reflection of him, trash. I have no desire to associate myself with such people. I am married to raising my children right. Its hard and I have thrown myself into other areas but I get enjoyment from seeing my children succeed.
Anon
I’m so sorry for you that you are going through this… but I’m saving this comment because it is so great and helpful. (Not the OP.)
Reader I am divorcing him
Thank you, and I am sorry for what you are going through. I am in the UK so different processes, and I have some solid legal protections, and thank God no children. Contact is only through lawyers and he seems to be complying at the moment. But alcohol is not a simple thing to conquer as I now know to my cost. Hugs and I hope good things come your way
No Problem
Ok, putting the tracker on your neighbor’s car is actually genius. I hope you are documenting his questions (“so, been to XYZ Base recently?”) as evidence to prove that he planted the tracker/get a restraining order and full custody.
RiskedCredit
It doesn’t matter. Him abusing me is treated separately to any parenting decision. Also I have no evidence to prove it’s him who put the tracker on my car, had someone take my picture in the gym each morning or put the pig head on my doormat this past Christmas.
The family court system is designed around equity between the parents, not the responsibilities they have to their children. Until that changes children will come last and suffer. The burden of evidence needed to restrict a defective parent is unrealistically high. Basically I have to let my children completely fail and even then the courts here in Texas are probably going to side with him and I will lose custody rights.
Anonymous
Are you able to share a name here? I’m not the OP but a friend is likely leaving a DV situation in DC shortly with children and could use the support.
Risked Credit
Erin McLean is her name. You should be able to find her with a google. If you can’t, message here and I will reply with a burner email to use.
Anon.
My marriage is the exception to that rule. My husband and his ex had a codependant relationship as he was a bit younger and a drug addict and alcoholic. He hit bottom while married to her and went to long term rehab. He largely credits her with his recovery but they could not get past the former dynamic. He hurt her deeply by leaving her but he had to admit to himself that he never loved her. I am the lucky woman who got the new man. I hope she finds someone who is capable of being her partner.
Reader I am divorcing him
Kudos to him, I know having been the person who moved heaven and earth to try to help and support my husband that being able to overcome an alcohol addiction is a stupendous act of will power. I wish you both the best for the future. (And his ex who will have also given so much)
Anon
I think some reframing is in order – the “good” version of him was the before version. The current version is the bad version. You can’t get the good him back. He’s gone.
Senior Attorney
And, I might venture to add, the “good” version was an illusion.
Anon
True. The bad was always in there.
Anon
Gosh you are doing so well in terrible circumstances. A big note – there’s nothing you could have changed or done differently to prevent what happened or altered who he became – that’s on him. Keep posting and letting us cheer you on!
NaoNao
You don’t have to make all these choices at once. For things like the soft toy (which my heart breaks for you) set it aside in a special place. Perhaps write a little poem or take a picture and put it in a frame just in case. If you’re not 100% NC with the STBX, I would wait and see what he wants to do. He may be in a spiral and unable to make good choices right now, so setting these shared items aside and continuing to care for them (but not having them out at all times) is a favor to you and him.
Let me share something with you:
I left my alcoholic (and becoming abusive) fiance in March 2016. I was devastated, and truth be told, I’ve never had intense love and chemistry like that with another man. In June 2016 I was walking to the train and I saw a thin gold band on the ground (no markings, likely costume jewelry). I picked it up and it fit my wedding ring finger perfectly. I saw it as a sign, and I was right. I met my husband a week later. We were friends for almost a year before we started dating, but I just needed that one sign that my REAL husband was on his way. Look for a sign. I trust you will see one and it will set your heart at ease.
Leaving the wrong man frees up the space to find yourself, your soulmate(s) (whether they be platonic or romantic) and the right man.
Reader I am divorcing him
Thank you for understanding
Anon
I haven’t had to experience this with a partner, but I have with a child who has a substance use disorder. It seems like you are recalling the person “prior” to their alcoholism, or during a period of time when they were not using/abusing alcohol. All I can say is, you are mourning a different person. That person is not available now, and may never be. Unfortunately, your spouse has chosen to use/abuse a substance, with some or full recognition that the substance alters his personality and his interactions with others in a very negative way. The same is true for my child. I don’t like the person he is when he’s using substances, but that doesn’t make me any less sad and grieving for the person he used to be. It has taken me a long time to realize that he’s not that person right now, and in order to protect myself, I have to limit the interactions I have with the person he is now. It’s heartbreaking, but I analogize it to wishing I was a millionaire when I’m not. I just have to acknowledge and accept what I have right now.
Reader I am divorcing him
My heart goes out to anyone who experiences this with a child, it is so much harder to disconnect. Thank you for the reframing, that makes a lot of sense
Senior Attorney
With respect to the dishes and so on, there is no hurry to get everything physically separated right this minute. When I left my marriage I left almost everything behind and it wasn’t until the divorce was final, almost two years later, that we finally did one last physical distribution of shared things. So. As far as his belongings? As far as I am concerned you have no obligation to lift a finger to facilitate him getting his stuff unless and until a court orders you to. (Unless you really want to purge your space of all traces of him, which I get.)
And it WAS that bad and you are brave and right to be leaving him because this is all on him and there was nothing you could have done to fix him!
Anon
My ex husband did all that for me. He moved out on his own on a planned day when I wouldn’t be home. We agreed that he would split things as he saw fair. I pointed out four things I thought of as mine that I wanted him to leave (my desk, my piano, the dishes my sister gave me, my couch) and trusted him to do that. When I got home that evening, the house contained dust bunnies + my desk, my piano, the dishes my sister gave me, and my couch.
It was his final eff you to me.
But it gave me the freedom (though sadly not the money) to just get everything new and start fresh. Nothing I owned from that point on had been “ours.” Which was great in the long run.
Reader I am divorcing him
Wow, that must ,at the time, have been a real gut wrench. I do feel that I have already said eff off to my husband. I have the house and dogs and friends and have pulled the whole carpet of his image from under him. I have taken control, but it doesn’t feel good.
Senior Attorney
Aw,hugs. It’s not gonna feel good for a while but I promise better days are coming!
Reader I am divorcing him
Senoir Attorney, thank you for that, and your experience. I hope you are enjoying your retirement (2 years to go for me!)
Anonnnn
I cannot stop thinking about this and having anxiety over it so I am anonymously telling you all. The partner I work for is having an affair with another married attorney who works at a competing law firm. It is so obvious (to me). Nothing has impacted me yet, but I have horrible anxiety over this for some reason even though I know its not my monkey, not my circus. How can I force myself to stop thinking about it and focus on work?
I am not sure what makes me anxious, I am nervous his wife and kids will come in and I will have to lie to her, I am nervous that this is going to come out some how and impact me directly by association, I am nervous that this is going to affect our work/cases since his head is not in the game 100% and I am just an anxious overthinker generally. Not sure what I am asking for but I feel better that this is in the universe.
Anonymous
It’s been a while so I don’t remember but wouldnt a conflicts check be appropriate? Can’t do it for every person a lawyer dates I guess…
Anonymous
no
Anonymous
Girl pls pull it together. You know nothing.
NYC Anon
This.
Anon
This. They may be acting inappropriately but unless you have seen them engage in inappropriate physical activity, you are just speculating. There’s nothing you can or should do about it. Just do your job.
Anna
I disagree. Instinct can be very useful here. If there’s smoke, there’s fire, and she shouldn’t have to wait until she finds them with their pants down in the conference room before suspecting something is a miss. I say what’s the harm in commencing an inquiry. I have seen this play out so often that it is unusual NOT to find some inappropriate .diddling going on between them or others in the office environment.
Anonymous
Hi, E113n.
Anon
Why would you have to lie to the wife/kids? Has he asked you to lie? Has he told you he is having an affair or are you just assuming because you think it is obvious? If he has told you he is having an affair or asked you to lie, then it is impacting your work and you need to go to HR. Otherwise, you know nothing, so there’s nothing to lie about. If the wife/kid come in and want to know where he is, your answer is whatever he has told you or what is on his calendar. Or a simple, “I’m not sure, I’m not in charge of his schedule.” Or, if you are in charge of his schedule, “I’m not sure. His calendar says this. Try calling his cell.”
Senior Attorney
+1
Anon
One of two things is going on:
1. Your anxiety is being triggered by something in your psyche that needs addressing. Did your parents split after one of them had an affair? Did a former boyfriend or husband cheat on you? Etc.
2. Your intuition is telling you something. Maybe there is a massive conflict of interest: depending on the type of work you do, maybe the affair is something a client should know about (if her firm is handling matters to someone adverse to the client). Maybe the partner is going to move to her firm and take his business (and your billables) with him.
If it’s the former, therapy is amazing. If it’s the latter, dust off your resume and find a good excuse to talk about “next steps” and “seeing what is out there.”
Anon
Imagine how the admin feels — that person likely will get a call at some point from a confused spouse. “Tracy isn’t answering the phone and location services are turned off.”
That happened where I work (but with a legal assistant). IDK about you, but I don’t travel with the legal assistant in my group. Everyone knew. Someone sent a letter to his wife. HR then put staff (but not attorneys) on the rack for questioning (practically). It was a mess. They all left to go to one other firm (OMG what a mess they stepped into). It’s still talked about. I think everyone got divorced.
Anonymous
I posted below about a similar situation and yes–why are these guys stupid enough to take their assistants on business trips?!? In my case the dude also assigned tasks to the assistant that should have been done by someone with a JD or a PhD, in order to justify bringing her on the trips. She bungled the tasks, created more work for the rest of us, and then went to management and demanded to be promoted to a professional position because she was “doing the same work.” This was someone who never even went to college. The kicker was the time when she told me there wasn’t room for me at the presenters’ table because she was sitting there, when I was the one actually making the presentation.
Anonymous
Both of these examples are not at all the same. OP isn’t saying the person reports to her boss and isn’t referencing any preferential treatment. Both are big distinctions.
No one likes a cheater, but it’s truly no one’s business here unless something actually happens and impacts the way work is being done. Otherwise, it’s just gossip.
anon
What on earth. This doesn’t affect you at all. Move on.
Anonymous
The fact that someone she works with is a giant liar who may or may not be breaking ethical rules does affect her.
Anonymous
Nope. Having an affair isn’t an issue for her.
Anonymous
Oh, it will be. It always is because the dude is inevitably going to start acting weird or a conflict of interest will arise.
Anonymous
How does a gigantic moral and ethical mess *in the workplace* not affect the guy’s colleagues?
Anon
Agree. Stay far far far out of it. It’s not your business OP. In no world is his wife going to come to you and ask whether her husband is faithful to her.
You’re creating drama and centering yourself in it. Time to stop doing that.
Anonymous
My law partner did have his superior’s wife call and ask exactly that.
Anonymous
Then the wife is just as bad as the spouse. If the spouse isn’t cheating, do you see how inappropriate this is?
The right answer is always that you are a professional and therefore stay out of the personal matters of your colleagues and superiors.
Anon
Your anxiety seems like a major overreaction – have you or a close friend been negatively impacted by infidelity? Or are you close with the wife? The normal reaction as an outsider would be to ignore.
Anon
Eh it’s highly likely this life affect her work life at some point. She’s not really an “outsider.” I get the “ignore it” reactions if this was just like a mom she knew from her kids school or something, but your boss having an affair with opposing counsel is messy and could definitely impact Op. I’d be stressed too.
Anon
I guess it could impact her in the sense her job situation could change, but job situations are always changing. If her boss left the firm for unrelated reasons, or the firm had a reorg (do law firms have reorgs?) it would also affect her. There’s no way OP could be blamed by the wife or anyone else unless she’s been told directly about the affair.
Anon
An affair with opposing counsel is a headline risk for the firm and likely a relational risk for the client. ICK. Make sure you don’t step in any sh*t.
Anonymous
Headline risk? This is a huge jump.
1. She doesn’t even know for sure.
2. Even if it is true, it’s not her husband or wife. Maybe there is an open relationship? Maybe they’re separated? Who knows—because it’s not her business.
3. I would focus on doing my own work and quit trying to inject myself in this. Envisioning what if on a family showing up is frankly weird. This certainly doesn’t rise to the level of embezzlement or truly headline stuff for a business. Will it hurt their careers? Perhaps. But not something you’re going to read about the firm in the NYT.
Anon
I wouldn’t care about a vanilla affair. Opposing counsel though? I know my clients that they would hit the roof — litigation conflicts / entanglements are a huge red flag for them though and this is such a lapse in judgment.
I don’t know; you don’t know. But it looks bad that it even seems to be thought about as happening, no?
Anon
Nowhere does it say opposing counsel.
OP, when you grow up you learn things like this. It’s also none of your business.
NYC Anon
Is it opposing counsel though? From OP post, it sounds like it is just another lawyer at another firm…
Anon
The affair partner is at a a competing firm, but unless I missed it, she’s not opposing counsel. That’s a pretty significant difference.
Anon
Yeah agreed. This makes me feel cynical, but I’ve also never worked in a law firm where there weren’t a LOT of affairs happening.
Anon
Have you considered treatment for anxiety? Intense anxiety over something that has absolutely nothing to do with you seems like a lot to deal with.
Anon
I don’t agree that this could never affect OP in any way!
But this does seem like the kind of anxiety (worrying) that talk therapy can be good for especially if it’s happening in a context of being an “anxious overthinker generally.”
Anonymous
This happened between a partner and an admin in my previous workplace. The wife was smart enough not to put his colleagues in a tricky spot even though she did show up in the office occasionally. The real problem was the damage to the relationship between the partner and those of us who worked closely with him. We felt like we always had to walk on eggshells pretending we didn’t know what was going on, we lost all trust in his ethical judgment, and his favoritism towards the assistant caused problems with substantive work. Management knew but refused to do anything about it even though it violated firm policy, which turned out to be a symptom of a generally toxic organizational culture. TL/DR I wouldn’t worry about the wife’s demanding information, but I would start looking to get away from this partner because he will be difficult to work with.
Anon
What you repeat back to the partner’s wife (or anyone else) is “I don’t know; you’d have to talk to Harvey himself.” Endless repeat. Otherwise, what you say will become an issue for SOMEONE and the last thing you want to do is lose time from your new job b/c you keep needing to sit for depositions or be a witness in Harvey’s divorce case or Harvey’s wrongful termination suit against the firm or number of things.
Anonymous
My contention is that the partner’s wife is unlikely to ask his colleagues what’s going on unless she is totally unhinged. She knows. OP doesn’t need to worry about this.
go for it
This part is spot on-Losing trust in his ethical judgement, furious about favoritism, yes for sure.
I agree with 9:06am, start looking elsewhere if it is an untenable situation for you to witness.
nuqotw
I would get anxious about this sort of thing too. It sounds like you are imagining all the ways it could blow up – and it totally could! But it sounds like you can MYOB and the blow up, if and when it happens, won’t be because of you or affect you.
Anon
I am just an associate. But there are younger associates in my group who just don’t want to take assignments from me. Like they don’t get that they aren’t for me personally (I’d find better people), but for the people up the food chain from me and ultimately for clients. I can’t review them because I’m not counsel/partner level. I’d prefer not to work with them but that’s who is here and otherwise I have to do the work. But I want to give them all of the negative feedback to the partners who will need to know that I can’t do X because I’m doing the work that needs to go to first and second year associates. I don’t want the youngers ones to start sabotaging things (that’s how little I think of them), but if I can’t get rid of them (I don’t think they’ll change), I’m kind of stuck. Help me think through this and manage what feels very sticky and I am very stuck. I have a parent in the hospital right now and dealing with these entitled children (yeah, they’re a bit younger than me but I swear this is their first non-internship job ever and I was stocking shelves the minute I was legal to work) has me ready explode. I do not have time to be chasing after them and picking up assignments they have gone dark on.
Anon
Are the assignments being given to you to delegate? If so, I would simply document the hell out of it. Start with a phone call, follow up with an email detailing the information. Make it clear that this is from a partner and the client has a deadline.
Send reports to the partners with the status: Avery and Hudson are working on the widget trial discovery, etc.
Then, as much as it sucks, continue to hound the associates.
Alternately, if you can, reach out to other associates who are hungry and looking to advance.
go for it
This is great advice.
Document, document, document.
It is a matter of conveying professionalism.
Irrespective of age, they are adults in a paid role, do not do their work for them.
Another thought:
(for every single time -to eliminate finger pointing-you give a project to anyone)
Prep a boiler plate email ( because it sounds like you will likely need it) to send post conversation of delegating the work…….. (cc the partner)
Date:
Assigned to:
Matter title/number:
Partner it relates to:
Deadline:
Anonymous
Can’t you tell them “Partner needs you to do this assignment”?
Anonymous
You too! Get a grip! You sound like a child too
Anon
Yeah this reeks of when the associates who were a year or two ahead of me thought they were suddenly my boss. Sorry, no. Partners assign work not slightly senior associates.
Anon
Where I am, the 4th-6th year associates are expected to push work down and not do what a first year can do. They are trying to run deals with going to the partner for oversight and handling things within the team. They are in meetings and rarely free to meet with very junior members.
Anon
I’ve heard this described as “finders, minders, and grinders.” The minders are absolutely expected to delegate to the newbies.
Anon.
You reek. I am choosing to believe that OP knows her job and it is okay if she sounds like a child because she is venting in a SAFE SPACE.
Anecdata
This problem comes up pretty often – I think there’s a combination of a perennial problem (it’s always hard to be in a leading & responsible for junior team members help but no official authority role) and a unique moment in time where traditional firm deal for junior partners (oodles of money in exchange for total availability and enthusiasm about getting work done) is getting shuffled up and no one’s figured out how it’s going to land (and senior associates are stuck in the middle, where partners still expect the pre-2020 agreement and new associates won’t work that way). It’s a hard one to solve and you’re not alone in struggling with it!
But it also sounds like you’re (understandably!) not at 100% while you’re dealing with your parent’s hospitalization. Is it possible that’s affecting your perception of how serious/urgent this is, or what’s causing it on the junior associates side? If you think that might be the case, I’d focus on and scrupulously neutral documentation like assignment email scripts above, and wait a few weeks before doing anything else
Anon
Do you actually have authority to delegate this work to them? It depends on your firm or practice structure, and your years relative to each other. I am a partner at an AM150. If I assign work to a 3rd year, I expect her to do it, not a 1st year, unless I explicitly tell her. I would assign the work directly to the 1st year myself because they are interchangeable for a lot of the work I’d ask of them in my practice area (research, policy review, employment agreement first draft, etc). If I have a class action, I may have several associates and would expect the most senior to delegate the work down and would tell the senior associate that this team will be you, Joe and Sally. I would ask the senior associate to email me (copying the others) to say — “As discussed, I will do X task by Z time. Joe will do Y task by Z time but I will review and have it to you by Y time. Sally will do B task and send it to you directly by Z time.” So I suggest that you confirm that you are expected to delegate these tasks. If you are, then send an email to the partner and copy the others after each such assignment. That way the junior associates understand that this work is being indirectly requested by the partner. The partner would also appreciate written confirmation that the work is being done and a heads up of who will be on the bill for the matter.
Anon
OP here — I’m a 7th year.
Anon
I’m the Anon at 9:20 am and FWIW, my instinct was that you were more than five years out of law school. I was confused at all the advice acting like you were a third or fourth year associate and wondered what I had missed.
Anon
For me it was describing adults as “kids” and “children” over and over (and I’m 49 and long out of my law firm days).
Anon
She actually only described them as “children” once, and it was in the context of having a parent in the hospital and feeling like she doesn’t have time to chase them. That to me sounded like someone older, venting frustration with younger people who are fresh out of school.
Maybe it was also that she understands that partners push down work and it’s her job to delegate some work and do other work. It isn’t appropriate to take up a 7th year associate time or bill at her rate to do more mundane tasks; that’s what new associates are for.
anon
I’m sorry for what you’re going through in your personal life, but with all due respect, if this attitude towards your juniors is coming through at work, it’s possible you’re one of the people that juniors try to avoid working for. Remember, the advice given to those who work for difficult partners/seniors is to get too busy to work for those people. It’s also possible they’re all terrible, but it doesn’t sound like you have real power and they seem to know it, so maybe try taking a more collaborative approach and/or asking one of the least-bad juniors what’s up with the ghosting. Maybe you’ll get valuable info that could help you adjust your approach.
Anonymous
Yeah, if the result of working for OP is that she ruins you, people will avoid working for OP
Elle
I need decorating advice. I’m updating a bathroom, the floor tile is black and white basketweave, the vanity is a light/medium blue with polished nickel fixtures. What color would you paint the walls and what color shower curtain and towels?
Anon
Depends on your style but coral or pale peach could work. I’m sure there are bolder choices (burgundy)? I’d stay away from gray because it’s so overdone.
Anonymous
I would go with a light complementary blue. I always think monotone looks the most chic.
Anon
This. Don’t introduce another color
Anon
I’d change the fixtures to antique brass and put in a wild wallpaper that plays off the blue and the floor, like this
https://schumacher.com/catalog/products/5001060
NYNY
I wouldn’t do a contrasting color because you already have a lot of value contrast with the black & white floor, so sticking with blue but going deeper than the vanity feels most cohesive to me. I would do a bright navy blue paint with white trim. The exact shade will depend on the undertones of the vanity, but something like Benjamin Moore California Blue or Symphony Blue. Shower curtains and towels could blend with the vanity or be white if you want to brighten the room.
Anon
Can you replace (or paint) the vanity? I am having a hard time envisioning that the bathroom will seem “updated” with a medium/light blue vanity.
Anon
+1 – OP, if you haven’t done renovations before, this is a pretty easy one a handyman can handle for you. There’s a ton of places that sell new vanities, too – check Wayfair, Home Depot, etc. you can get a free standing white porcelain one for a few hundred bucks.
Anon
Fluff topic to ease us into Monday: Are you shopping the Rothy sale, REI sale, or any other Memorial Day sales coming up? What do you most have your eyes on?
Anon
I’ve soured on REI (and I’m a longtime fan who has the REI credit card). We’ve had some sketchy customer service encounters recently and the company has also been in the news for anti-union actions. Plus, they now exclude some of the most popular items from their annual coupons. I used to buy all my outdoor stuff there and now I spend maybe $200 a year at most.
Anon
Oh yeah, I forgot about their anti-union stance. :( REI is usually so overpriced, but for certain things, on sale, it can be useful. And sorry to hear about bad customer service.
Anonymous
REI charges the manufacturers’ standard retail prices just like every other outdoor outfitter. The kind of stuff REI sells never goes on sale outside of those “20% off one item” discounts and sales on past-season merchandise.
Anon
I had a bad REI customer service experience recently, also.
Anonymous
To be fair, REI treats their employees really well. Especially by retail standards. It’s not exactly a sweatshop.
Anon
Then what do they have to fear from unions?
Anonymous
Then why do they need unions?
Anon
A giant, immense, increase in payroll liability for the employer? Unions don’t just negotiate money for the workers, they have enourmous overheads to feed. My newly unionized team got a $16/hr wage increase (about 40% for them). The payroll costs for us increased by $50/hr (100% all in, 32% to salary). Sure, some of this went to their benefits. Let’s say another 20%. That remaining 48% of $50/hr or $24/hr or $49,920 per employee is going to the union’s administrative machine, not the workers.
You know what’s cheaper? Just paying the workers more directly and providing better benefits. Which is what we have done successfully elsewhere. You know who won’t stop trying no matter how much you pay? The unions, because it’s literally their business model, it’s what they do all day long, and don’t forget it’s a pyramid machine that uses new worker’s deductions to pay out old workers’ pensions so they live and die by new recruitment.
I am generally on the side of the unions but let’s not pretend like it’s not an immense shock to the employer to essentially add half an FTE’s worth of toll for every worker. If we had decent healthcare and retirement systems in the US all of that money could be going to help everyone no matter where they work and not just feed a select group of bureaucrats.
Jules
Anon at 1:50, as a 30-year union lawyer, I can tell you that this makes no sense. The union negotiates whatever it negotiates for raises and benefit improvements (and employers do not agree to economic packages that will bankrupt them, or just keep them from being profitable). The employees then pay union dues themselves, usually through payroll deduction but still from their own funds. Employers do not pay unions anything to cover their “administrative machines,” whatever that means; in fact, that would be illegal. Unions use members’ dues to pay for the cost of negotiating contracts, processing grievances and otherwise representing their members, and they have legal obligations to use those funds prudently and for the benefit of the members. In addition, all of their expenses including overhead like building costs and admin staff are subject to full public disclosure annually (unlike the employers).
Anon
If they did, they wouldn’t be union busting.
Anon
I wouldn’t be so sure about that. Many places that offer good salaries and benefits don’t want unions, because they view that as a third party who is trying to get its piece of the pie.
Runcible Spoon
To Anon at 12:04 pm: A union isn’t a “third party . . . trying to get its pice of the pie.” it IS the employees, merely acting collectively, as opposed to struggling to counteract the overwhelming power of the employer individually, one by one.
Anon
No, the union represents employees but is not necessarily made up of employees.
Jules
To anon at 1:30: Again, as a longtime labor lawyer, a union is in fact made up of employees. However, in many cases, when a specific bargaining unit (a group of workers at one employer) is not very large, the members are in an amalgamated local union that repreents employees of many employers. So, for example, in a large Teamster local an officer who was employed at UPS (and is on leave to work full-time at the union), might be assigned to represent workers at a number of other, smaller employers. And, just as corporations are consolidating, some smaller local unions or independent unions have merged into larger unions. Therefore, the representatives might or might not come from the same workforce, but they are still employees whose employers are unionized.
Runcible Spoon
Yes, the point is that unions are NOT “outside agitators” or wholly separate entities from the employees (i.e., “third parties”). They ARE the employees (or as explained above, their equivalent). There are two sides to this equation, not two plus some outlier. You could just as easily suggest that the professional union busters retained by the employees are a “third party . . . trying to get its piece of the pie,” but you never see them described in that way, they are just viewed as part of the employer or an agent of the employer.
Anon
REI has a great used-goods program. Found a backpack there that was probably unused (likely a return?) and got a great deal on it. They have a lot more Mountain House (and similar) options vs other stores in my area.
AIMS
Haven’t done it yet but this is the time of year that I get my kids new summer sandals for camp at REI (keens, always).
This year I also need some new sneakers for my summer so may do that with Zappos.
Anon
I may get another pair of the Mary Jane’s from Rothy’s, I have loved the red pair. I’ll be looking at sales for a pair of wide leg jeans and some summer work tops, maybe J.Crew
pink nails
I think we might get a Solo Stove for our backyard. We don’t plan on moving it from our backyard, so I’m attracted to the biggest version (Canyon) which is the only one not on sale. The Yukon is on sale though, and so I’m trying to figure out if we should just get the Canyon or if the Yukon will feel big enough.
Anon
I feel like we got a different brand for COVID and now we don’t use it. We should, but we don’t.
Anon
I’m currently tempted to get a hot tub but am worried it will go the same way.
Anonymous
I snagged some sale beauty products on the Macy’s Mothers Day sale.
Anon
Probably not a lot! My rescue pup comes home today! We have borrowed a lot of stuff from a good friend who fosters for the same rescue, but we will have to eventually buy whatever we decide we need. I’m so excited though!
Anon
Wow, so exciting, have fun with your new pup!
Anon
Thank you! We get her in 2 1/2 hours!!!
Anonymous
I’m looking at the REI sale for some new flip flops (either Olukai or Tevas)
NY CPA
I’ve never bought Rothy’s before but have been wanting to try them. I took advantage of the sale + 10% cashback through Rakuten, and got a pair of the points and also a pair of the ballet flats.
Anonymous
To the commenters nitpicking REI about unions—where are YOU purchasing your gear from instead?
A Seattleite here. Love REI. They’re a wonderful local company to us—very philanthropic and support great environment causes. I would much rather buy the same product from them than from another national sporting good store that sell guns. And much prefer REI to Backcountry (they’re a bully…trying to trademark the word backcountry and suing small mfrs) or Evo ( the owners are out developing commercial real estate in WA and UT).
Sale-wise, we’re going to upgrade to a double sized sleeping pad this summer—hoping there is one in the sale. My 8 has taken over my pad. We have 3 trips planned with friends and my kids are super excited!
Anon
If you were redoing your kitchen, how would you do it?
I have a total 90s kitchen with blond wood cabinets and gross laminate countertops. I want to do quartz counters, but I can’t decide if I should go light or dark. Should I do white cabinets, a color, or a different type of wood?
I don’t have strong enough opinions about this to just make a decision, so I keep putting it off. But I really do dislike my current space. Anything would be an improvement! Help?!
Anon
If you don’t have strong opinions, I’d go with white cabinets since they’re always fresh. I like quartz counters and I have in my bathroom, but granite is a better surface for kitchens imo. If anyone accidentally puts a hot pot on granite, no issues at all. There are light colored granites that look like quartz, makes sense because quartz is mimicking natural stone.
Anon
I have the same 90s ‘Tuscan’ style kitchen courtesy of Home Depot and we plan to redo in next summer. I live in MA in a historic farmhouse, so we plan to go with soapstone counters, a porcelain farmhouse sink, solid maple shaker style cabinets in a warm mid tone paint, and blue walls. Basically almost all of the inspiration pics on the Spruce post below work because they fit the age, style, and location of my house. I’d figure out what fits the style of your home and go from there.
https://www.thespruce.com/soapstone-kitchen-countertop-ideas-4582820
Anonymous
Hi, I really recommend finding a kitchen designer if you are overwhelmed. We used one and she was great- took our feedback, narrowed down the overwhelming amount of options, and put together a beautiful, functional space for us. She charged a flat rate for the design and also worked with the contractors to make sure it was executed correctly.
FWIW, we have ivory cabinets, and our island is dark wood (at her suggestion, I love the contrast, would not have thought of that on my own). We also have a very cool wood dining countertop we get a million compliments on, again her suggestion. Quartz countertops elsewhere, love them. We went light- I don’t like how dark countertops disguise mess, they just never feel clean to me.
Work Phone
+1, hire a designer. Kitchens are expensive and you want something that you like and will work for you in the long term.
pink nails
That sounds like an amazing combo – ivory cabinets and dark wood island and light quartz!!
Anonymous
We did white (white dive) cabinets but one bank of them in navy. Quartz counters. If we get sick if the navy we can paint just that bank of cabinets.
pink nails
Oh I have thoughts! We built a house 4 years ago and I got to design our kitchen that I love a lot. I was so nervous about it coming together but it really turned out. I poured over Pinterest and houazz and interior design blogs and magazines for years though; it doesn’t sound like that’s your thing and I definitely think a kitchen designer would be helpful for you! I’d spend some time on Pinterest pinning anything that you like at all, and then take that board to the kitchen designer and show them what you like.
But I’ll tell you what I like and what we did!
Style – I like cabinets with full face doors, slab or shaker style. The full face for the cabinet doors is key in my opinion. If you have to have uppers, send them all the way up to the ceiling and use trim to close the little gap in the ceiling. If your arrangement allows, build in your refrigerator, like with pantry cabinets on either side. If you have a wall with a line of backsplash, I really like the same countertop material extended up for the backsplash about 2 feet.
Color – I really really prefer warm wood cabinets with the modern style fronts. If you want white cabinets, light colored countertops. White is pretty but I’m kind of bored of it but that’s because I consume way too much interior design media. If in the budget, I’d go for walnut or quarter sawn white oak.
In our house, we did unselected maple cabinets for a lighter wood with some movement in it still but not as knotty as hickory. Our cabinet maker suggested this wood after I said I wanted something lighter but not rustic like hickory and not solid-ish like maple, and he was 100% right on with that recommendation. Our doors are full face flat panel style. Black hardware. We have a wall of cabinets tucked into a wall with our refrigerator in the middle, then no uppers everywhere else. Big island with L shaped seating on one end and cabinets on the other. We ended up going with a midtone counter “fantasy brown leathered granite” – if you google it, you can see our our slab isn’t brown at all, and it’s actually a dolomite marble but it gets looped in with granite since it’s harder than marble. I was going to go for a lighter color, but we fell in love with it at the countertop yard and love it so so much. It brings a lot of warmth. We have the same countertop material slab extended up to the vent hood behind the stove for the backsplash, and then big windows on either side of the stove.
Anonymous
We used a Kitchen and Bath designer; it was completely worth it, she had great ideas and gave us plans and a list of products to give the GC installing the kitchen. I looked in a local design magazine to find someone whose taste I liked and who was showing small projects on her website.
Anon
Off white cabinets – not stark white. My countertops are Silestone and have been going strong since the remodel in 2008, so I’d do that again. I’d probably choose a mid grey this time. The grey we went with is dark enough that tiny crumbs or grains of salt on the counter really pop. I’d do something more in the middle if I did it again.
Anon
Just a reminder that quartz countertops kill workers. If you’re going to install them anyway, it would be great if you also contacted your local government advocating for better worker protections. They’ll be banned in Australia starting later this year.
https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2023/07/24/1189745247/silicosis-young-workers-kitchen-countertops-lung-damage-california
Cerulean
Yes, and I think the look of them will quickly date. The grey veining in most of them looks obviously fake to me.
Cerulean
What sort of style do you have in the rest of your house? What do you like? Is this a forever home or do you anticipate moving in coming years? There are so many factors to consider, and ultimately, it’s your money and your home you’ll live in every day. I would start looking for inspiration pictures and see what features and styles you’re drawn to. A kitchen designer can be really helpful here.
Senior Attorney
Kitchen designer for sure. I would do painted cabinets and because I am extra I would do lime green, so I am probably not the one to ask. We have a dark green granite countertop with a leathered finish, and we always say is the great thing about it is it doesn’t show the dirt, and the bad thing about it is it doesn’t show the dirt (easy to miss spills and spots).
In terms of function, we LOVE our warming drawer and use it every day for plates and it’s also great for dough rising if you’re a baker. And if you entertain a lot (hear me out), consider a second dishwasher. I really wish I’d put one in before I did a year of weekly dinner parties! Also if you entertain even once a year at the holidays, get a double oven if you can find the space. In my last house I managed to squeeze a double oven in the space for one and it was great (also the top oven functioned as a warming drawer). You can find them for surprisingly little money: https://www.bestbuy.com/site/ge-6-8-cu-ft-freestanding-double-oven-gas-convection-range-with-self-steam-cleaning-and-no-preheat-air-fry-stainless-steel/6488962.p?skuId=6488962&utm_source=feed&ref=212&loc=19602570621&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw6auyBhDzARIsALIo6v-4FsSa6GSDf38DjOeF29FD28fIHpzSbyOYLDW1pvtvNmTFc5Z5MT4aAlQJEALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds
Runcible Spoon
+1 to the double oven. I got a gas range with gas oven and the drawer at the bottom is a second oven (the Thanksgiving side-dish oven). I also use it to warm up dinner rolls or breakfast croissants if I have company. Bestest traditional gas range ever.
For kitchen design, more counter space is better than appliance garages or cabinets that “rest” on the countertop. A second sink is super helpful, especially if it can be located in a part of the kitchen designated as a wet bar area, with an under-counter wine/beverage fridge. If I had to do my kitchen reno over, I would not put the microwave/exhaust fan over the range; instead I would make it a microwave drawer or put it on an eye-level shelf near the refrigerator. Also, wherever you place an under-counter trash/recycling pull-out is where you will end up doing all your prep (peeling and chopping vegetables, cracking eggs, opening cans), because it is just too easy to make the mess and then dispose of it right there. Mine is at the end of the counter with the dishwasher next to it, so that you can scrape dishes into the trash and place them into the dishwasher right there. floor tiles should be placed on the diagonal — it is more interesting and can camouflage non-plumb walls that may have settled in an older home. If your ceiling is uneven, you can hand top cabinets six or eight inches below the ceiling, and then install rope lights for a pretty effect that can also act as a night light. Try to have a half wall or wall near the sink where you will wash dishes, so that you can lean washed pots and dishes against the wall to dry upon a tea towel if you don’t have a dish drying rack. Good luck!
Anon
Go to Pinterest and pin a million kitchen pictures until you decide what style you like.
Anon B
A diversion for Monday morning- I need some help looking executive on video calls. Looking for tops in natural fabrics, ideally knits in pale colors that don’t show much texture or pattern. Happy to spend a good amount of money for 3-4 really nice pieces. Size 12, muscular shoulders. Are there any tops you’ve come across lately that might fit the bill?
Anon
No fashion ideas, but a fully-remote colleague always wears a strong red lipstick and I always think that has a big impact on her presence
Anonymous
This. Lip color needs to be bolder on Zoom than in real life.
Anonymous
If you don’t want to wear a blazer, on Zoom you will get the most professional look from a very plain top. Think crewneck or v-neck cashmere sweaters, etc. The structured stuff with interesting necklines that conveys executive presence in person reads as fussy on camera.
Anonymous
I like Antonio Melani knits at Dillards. I am the same size and have big, but not terrifically muscular shoulders.
Risked Credit
I have 2 tops from Alice & Olivia that are my go to tops for this sort of thing. I found them in a charity shop but online they are like this:
https://www.aliceandolivia.com/willa-embellished-placket-top/CC403078024A127.html?lang=default
Anon
I find wearing glasses (rather than my contacts) makes me look more executive. If you wear glasses, you might want to evaluate what you have and refresh if necessary. Eyewear styles change frequently and you can get something conservative but still current.
Anon
Why pale colors? Bold colors can make you pop onscreen
Runcible Spoon
long-sleeved or 3/4 sleeve knit crew-neck tops in a solid, bright jewel color (e.g., magenta or teal) or black, along with well-coiffed hair, big earrings, and a bold lip. No small patterns or stripes, as they do not show well on video.
Shopping Influencers
I’m 39. Have been having or trying to have children for the last 8 years and I’m officially done (yay). So I’m working to invest some time and effort in to my wardrobe. I’ve recently discovered a number of women on Insta that have pages devoted to mid-sized fashion. I’m a 5’8″, 215 lb size 16 with a c-section belly after 2 births. I’m actively losing weight after years of IVF/hormones/surgeries and general yuckiness. Meaning, my body shape is continuing to change. Nothing in my closet seems to fit or is in-fashion. I’m not trying to be trendy but just put-together.
These insta’s are refreshing because I literally have 3 or 4 women I’m newly following that have bodies that look just. like. me. And they look so put together. It feels attainable. However when I click their links, or go to their LTK pages, it’s all like Walmart, Amazon and Target finds. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not claiming to be too good for any of these brands, particularly when I may be in my current size for only a season as I continue to lose (I would like my more permanent wardrobe to be upgraded from here, but I’m not there yet). I’ve ordered a bunch saying “what the hell… let’s try it” but it just looks so drab and, well, cheap. On the one hand, I’m not looking to spend $$$$$ today given the continually changing body that I have as I try to find my new weight norm, but on the other, I’ve been painfully underwhelmed by anything I’ve been “influenced” to try. What I’ve gotten so far has just been…. bad.
What am I missing? Is there a mid-tier price point account that I’m not following but should be? I’m thinking like shopping mall brands – Madewell, Loft, Jcrew, Nordstrom… Idk. Help?? Seeing their outfits is truly so very helpful, and downright hopeful, for someone who has been through the physical ringer for the better part of the last decade. TIA!
Lydia
I like Sarah Morales (fromsarahsleeve) for midsize fashion (I think she’s a 12 but a lot of it could scale to plus as well)… a lot of the brands you mention. Maybe The Docket for workwear? I also appreciate that Cap Hill Style always (or almost always) includes plus size links. Also Helen Rosen from the New Yorker (food writer) is about that size and sometimes posts great outfits (understandably her account is mostly food, though). I would also love some more recs that aren’t just fast fashion!
OP
I think the problem with the “plus alternative” approach is (1) I’m not plus sized – I SWIM in plus sized clothes.. I once thought that was my issue until I tried on plus sized and … nope. (2) the brands shared frustratingly don’t always have sizes up to 16 (theory comes to mind but there are many, many others); (3) the alternatives are sometimes just total throwaways / lazy and don’t actually look good, and seemingly are just a link to say “I’ve included a plus sized option!” (we see that here from time to time).
I swore off CapHillStyle a while ago after being an early-days loyal follower and reader. Willing to try again to see if she resonates with me more these days. I haven’t heard of Sarah Morales, but I will give her a try, too.
Finsta Land
the problem with following influencers for fashion assistance is that they’re promoting whoever pays them. Hence why we’re in this era where everyone is ‘seemingly’ wearing wal-mart and target clothing.
Not for one minute do I believe these multi-million dollar gals are wearing wal-mart around town. they’re just doing it for money. Further, any photographs they take are edited and face-tuned to heck. So yes, stuff looks great on them in a picture, will not look the same on you. Sorry no advice, it’s just brutal out here in our late stage capitalist world.
OP
Right? I mean, it’s no coincidence they’ve all been slinging walmart fashion at the exact same time. Or all have Spanx coupon codes at the same time. I do only follow women who use videos vs still photography in an effort to filter out the face tunes, but I’m sure there are video work arounds too.
I’m trying really hard to be open minded about brands and not being “too good” for anything…. but I have a closet full of pre-baby MM Lafleur, Jcrew, Boden and others I’m trying hard to fit back in to. Hardly Chanel, but a far cry from some of the s h i t quality I’ve received in the mail in the last two weeks.
Anon
I wouldn’t put Spanx in the same category as Walmart and Amazon. Their pants are so comfortable and flattering.
Anonymous
Follow Katie Sturino, who buys a lot of nicer brands. However, she also roasts brands that don’t carry larger sizes. Which is likely why so many influencers post Target, Amazon, etc.
Anon
I follow a few people who are definitely the Target/Amazon influencers but there are also some who are Madewell/JCrew, etc. I have a different body type though, so I can’t offer names. If you want to go mid-tier pricing then just take the inspiration you see in the outfit ideas and duplicate it with pieces from the companies you want to buy from.
Honestly though, I just bought a sweater from Amazon that is a JCrew dup and I compared it seam by seam to the JCrew sweater and I cannot find a difference besides the $30 mark up. I’m keeping the Amazon one and returning the JCrew one.
Anonymous
I’m built exactly like Meghan Korte (The_Other_MK) – thanks to whomever on here recommended her! My style isn’t quite her style and we live in different climates but I’ve found a lot of pieces that work for me (hello madewell high rise 90s jeans!) and my style is much, much more elevated.
She does a lot of Abercrombie, madewell, etc. in addition to Amazon and Target.
I’m not sure if a 16 is always available in those brands but you may want to check her out! She also will do collabs with stylists with different builds so you may find some inspo in those.
OP
I just found her over the weekend and really like her so far. Possibly most out of the ones I follow. I think our body composition is really, really similar. Also, I’m currently a 16 but then again the Loft 16 pants I have on today are… large. Probably ready for 14s. I’m down 30 lbs since Feb – woot woot! (yes, I’m using weight loss meds, yes, I should be on them, and yes, i plan to use them for life).
Anon B
I’ll make some specific recommendations- Everlane “clean silk relaxed shirt” in French blue is nice and super forgiving for curvy figures. Talbots jeans in straight cut. A linen jacket (I found an older J Peterman one with a beautiful herringbone design) – when choosing a jacket, look for the ability to unbutton the buttons at the cuffs as a quality signifier.
Anon
I found this same issue and it’s so frustrating! I have nothing against Walmart but I don’t want to buy my work clothes there. I am interested to see comments on this because I haven’t found anyone that is my size (same as yours) but buys clothes from at least a slightly higher end.
Anonymous
Try Jo-Lynne Shane and So Susie. They are a little smaller but many of their looks would translate.
Anon
When shifting between sizes, I leaned into letter sizing instead of numerical sizing, eg, buying dresses that are sized S M L XL, instead of 0-18 or whatever. They are designed to fit across two sizes.
Anonymous
The answer is Talbots. They and Walmart believe in expansive size ranges. Almost no one else.
OP
Mmmm is it? Maybe you’re answering the wrong question? The question isn’t where can I find clothes to fit my body. The question is where can I find people to turn to that look like me and also push brands that are elevated from Target and Walmart. Size 16 is served by many brands (this weekend alone I wore Loft, Jcrew, banana, althleta, gap, Madewell some random Nordstrom brands). I need influencers that also push these brands so I can get ideas for piecing together more modern outfits.
Anonymous
Talbots. Every insta account has fictitious clothes and too much editing. So it’s not real. A Talbots catalog or store is real and has quality clothes that actually exist.
Anon
Sorry, OP is spot on here. Talbots is frump city in terms of inspiration. Maybe they have a good piece here and there, but they are not fashionable in a modern way.
Anonymous
I disagree. The problem is that brands’ size ranges are *too* expansive. When you offer the same style in sizes 00 – 18 and just scale it up and down, the small sizes are never shaped or proportioned right. J Crew is a major offender here. I assume the same thing happens at the other end of the spectrum. There is a reason that juniors’, misses’, and women’s sizes used to be entirely different lines. Even if you are offering the same style in all three ranges it needs to be cut differently in each range to fit.
Anon
Someone always answers “Talbots,” but when I, mid-50s and not very fashion forward, enter Talbots, it is so incredibly dowdy. If you’re looking for J Crew and Madewell, I don’t know how Talbots is the answer.
Anonymous
Talbots online is better than in-store. In-store can really skew coastal grandma.
towelie
I find the constant Talbots recs bizarre. I understand someone could probably buy plain pants there and style it to look better but it’s strange to recommend a store with a dowdy aesthetic to someone who is trying to upgrade their style. You have one life to live I don’t know why you’d want to spend a single second wearing Talbots.
Cerulean
This is my hot take, but Talbots seems like it can be fine for quality and basics and offers more workwear than other retailers at the moment, but I think a lot of people who feel like, “this isn’t your grandma’a Talbots!” just haven’t realized that their perspective on the store has changed because they’re now in the target user demographic, not because it suddenly became more youthful.
Anon
Agree. I have one item from Talbots that I should love – a sweater dress in a rich blue – and there is just something off about it. It’s cut to hide someone’s shape, not to look tailored. I might be 43 and a mom, but darn it, I still have a decent figure and don’t want to wear a well-constructed sack.
Anon
I think Talbot’s often chooses bad, bad colors, as does Lands’ End and L.L. Bean. Some of the styles are ok, but the only colors that seem less than awful are black and navy, and I already own black and navy.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
From my experience as a Talbots shopper, one it was because for many years it was one of few places to get size 16 and above clothes in store where you could try them on. Also in petites.
As someone else pointed out, for curvy women with butts, their pants are cut appropriately for the sizes they serve. It may not be fashion forward but a good place to get those kinds of items.
Anon
This. It was the only place I could find work clothes in my size for a long time.
ALT
Elsa Massey (@simplyelsa) is a mid-size influencer who wears more elevated brands. She has a very classic preppy style so that may not be your jam, but she’s great. I also really like Taryn at @taryntruly for more edgy styles but she does wear a lot of Amazon/Target/cheaper brands. Caralyn Mirand (@caralynmirand) is another midsize influencer who wears a range of brands with a range of price points.
OP
Thanks. I like Taryn’s edge a lot and her body shape really pulled me in (she may have been my first find a few months ago!) but I’m over the walmart and amazon hauls from her. I tried. I will add Elsa. If I could wear early 2010s prep forever in personal and professional life (minus bubble necklaces), I would. It’s def my jam.
Anonymous
If you are actively losing weight and feel the items you’ve just bought are drab or frumpy, could they simply be too large for you? Try sizing down and you may find they fit and look better.
Anon
I’m about your size and height. I’m older than you so maybe it works better for me given my age, but I just went classic/borderline preppy. It may not be the most exciting or fashion forward look, but it’s easy to look put together with a wardrobe of classics.
I get most of my dressed-up work clothing, which these days is only for conferences, from MM La Fleur or Nic + Zoe. Pants from Talbots. They always fit me. I like a nice classic trouser, nothing too trendy. For more casual/WFH, I wear a lot of Eileen Fisher sweaters (I’m in the Bay Area so I have both winter and summer sweaters!) and silk or linen tops.
Jojo
In a slightly different size bracket but very similar life situation, i found renting from Nuuly very helpful to bridge the transition.
Anonymous
Try An Indigo Day.
NaoNao
It’s a couple things:
Their “edges”–their hair, makeup, accessories, shoes/purse are likely very high maintenance (including getting procedures + a high level of skin care) are all very well taken care of and expensive
Their poses + editing–I follow a professional who gives posing advice specifically for plus/curvy women and she has so many tips and tricks on posing and camera angles, etc.
Their styling vs. wearing whole thing–rolling sleeves, undoing buttons, half-tucks, etc etc.
Tailoring–now it’s unlikely that most people are tailoring their H&M but they may be! Most off the rack stuff is just not designed for “real bodies”, and tailoring or alterations really helps with that.
Jamie
Who do you follow for posing advice? For plus size style? Please share!
NaoNao
it’s @thechristinebuzan -she’s very cute, funny, and approachable!
Senior Attorney
She’s in London but I love @emilyjanejohnston . She says she’s a mix of high end and high street so might be more in your range.
Anonymous
Not OP – had a look at her page, and she looks very lovely and well-dressed, and she looks all American. It’s so interesting, how styling can feel connected to a country, would never have pegged her for London. Had a second look, and realise it’s not the clothes, it’s the smile! A Londoner wouldn’t smile like that. <3
Anon
Has anyone ever done a major career change? I’m 40 and just so, so bored with my job and industry. I’m successful and make a great salary, but I am at the point where I hate it and have no interest in doing this any longer. Every day, I can’t wait to quit. Yet I’m not sure what else I’d do – going back to school and spending money to make much less money seems silly.
Anecdata
What’s your current job + industry?
Anon
I’m in a technical leadership role in IT. I think I’m over working with computers.
Hollis
Tell us what you like to do and what you hate about your current job and maybe we can suggest a pivot or alternative that uses transferable skills.
anon
Are you secure enough in life that you would like to do something that involves an interest/passion/giving back?
I have several friends that became teachers at this juncture.
Anonymous
Same. A mom I know through my kids was in tech (Making somewhere ~$200k), then took a couple years off when her kids were in young elementary school, then went back to school for teaching. She’s now a 3rd grade teacher in our school district (different elem than where her kids went) with summers off and really happy. Her kids are in middle school so can get themselves off the bus and she’s home in time to drive them to their evening activities.
She makes a fair bit less (~$65k) but has summers off. She has the option to work at various programs over the summer but opts out. She could also tutor if she needed extra money.
Anon for this
My husband is doing this right now. Made $200k+ last year but the burden on our family was a lot. He’s looking at a 50% pay cut to switch fields and right now it’s just a game of applications. He actually doesn’t care what he does as long as he gets to be around for important stuff.
It’s going to absolutely suck if he has to go back to Old Job, but to live on just my income we’d have to change our retirement and savings goals…
H13
Favorite things to buy from Penzey’s?
Anonymous
I use so much of their minced freeze dried ginger and roasted garlic powder.
Lydia
the Turkish spice blend is great.
pink nails
Taco seasoning.
Anonymous
Lemon pepper
Anon
Justice seasoning is my favorite thing on popcorn.
Anan
The vegetarian soup base
Vietnamese Cinnamon
Star anise
AIMS
Cinnamon sugar. It’s great sprinkled on cappuccino or kids toast (we don’t usually use sugar so a little goes a long way in my house). I also get it to bring as gifts for people – always a hit.
Olivia Rodrigo
Sunny Paris, Ruth Ann’s, and Brady Street blends.
Digby
Tellicherry black peppercorns, curry powder, chili powder, and cinnamon. The Galena Street and Penzeys Revolution spice rubs are good.
Anon
Dutched cocoa powder.
Anon
I prefer Droste to Penzey’s. But Justice is my favorite spice blend for veggies, roasted potatoes and so many other things!
Anon
Northwoods seasoning – I labeled it “chicken seasoning” in my spice rack and just refil the jar from the 1.5 cup bag from Penzey’s all the time.
I also really like Penzey’s Italian Herb Mix. It’s better than the “Italian Seasoning” mixes at the grocery store.
My entire spice rack is basically Penzeys so I don’t get super excited about their versions of Paprika or Cumin or whatever, but I do buy from them because the quality and freshness are good. But in terms of blends, the above two are ones I buy over and over and over.
Anon
Sandwich sprinkle, Greek seasoning, Southwest seasoning, and smoked paprika.
Katie
Sunny Paris (amazing on eggs) and Arizona Dreaming!
Senior Attorney
“Cake spice.” I use it in pancakes, cookies — pretty much any recipe that calls for cinnamon.
Anonymous
Double strength vanilla and cinnamon are the best around. So high quality.
Love their Pasta Sprinkle (salt free) blend for Italian and red sauce dishes. The Northwoods (not salt free) seasoning is our go-to for roasted veggies—toss with olive oil and balsamic vinegar or soy sauce and roast away. We buy both of these by the 4oz bag lol.
They seem to be always running a sale on specific products. And catch one of their gift card sales— pay $35 for a $50 GC!
Love love Penzeys!
Anonymous
For those of you who’ve been prescribed iron, did you feel when it started working? Conversely if you never felt any improvements like suddenly having more energy or inside of the eyes being redder, did it not work in raising your hemoglobin and ferritin levels? Or is this one of those things where you can only tell through repeated labs? I feel like people here always say they felt so much more energetic after a week or whatever. I’m getting a little skeptical having taken a low dose liquid for a week and now SlowFe for a number of days and feeling about the same. FWIW while I’m relatively anemic, I wouldn’t have known it if I hadn’t had a physical – like I wasn’t having obvious symptoms to begin with so perhaps that has something to do with it.
Risked Credit
I have chronic low iron. I am borderline anemic at the best of times. Taking iron on its own does not work for me. What I need to do is take a B6 supplement daily. I do well with this one and I take it 1-2x a day because I always forget the third tablet: https://www.thorne.com/products/dp/stress-b-complex?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjw6auyBhDzARIsALIo6v_pXAqYPhHKq7bHkO9StQqn1MvkoteT2Uend3nE0djvxl0kt0qRpYcaAoGdEALw_wcB
Sarah
Felt more energy, less tired. It’s kind of hard to define but I know it made a difference.
Anon
The new heme iron formulations (I use Proferrin) raise iron better for me. (I have low stomach acid and low acid reflux, so that’s probably why the heme iron works better for me than any ferrous sulfate formulation.) After just a few days of taking it, I feel more energetic and like breathing is working better; it’s very noticeable for me.
Anon
Despite the change showing on my labs, none of my required supplements/vitamins (B12 for pernicious anemia and iron) have ever changed my energy levels. They work levels wise, but I notice zero difference.
Anon
That seems unusual for pernicious anemia if the B12 is injected! Do you think you get enough B9 for the B12 and iron to do their jobs? (Or maybe you mean that your energy was fine to begin with… my perspective is that I was extremely fatigued from pernicious anemia and the shots improved this dramatically for me so it’s hard for me to imagine being asymptomatic or not noticing a difference!)
Anon
Hmm I am fatigued most of the time and the injections don’t change that general level. Everything my doctor tests (and it’s extensive – I have a concierge doc) is great – no absorption issues.
I am fairly sure based on other symptoms that I am in perimenopause and given that everything else we have tested shows I am in excellent health, I just live with it.
anon
No, it doesn’t work like that.
Are you actually anemic? How severe? Or is it just low ferritin? How low?
You need to take it for awhile, recheck ferritin/labs in a few months, see if it is working.
Make sure you don’t take the iron the same time as calcium/dairy, so it absorbs well.
I like taking the formulation VitronC, which is gentle on the stomach and has some VitaminC to help absorption. Take what your doctor recommends for you.
Honestly, it took my ferritin many months to rise and stay up stably. My indicator as to whether it is “working” is whether my hair is still falling out and are my restless legs worse. I don’t expect my energy level to have a big jump, as lets be honest…. fatigue/energy is SO multifactorial, that unless you were more severely anemic to begin with, it is rare that just supplementing iron alone is the trick. But some of us women are very anemic and our doctors totally ignore it, which is wrong….
Sounds like you weren’t really having symptoms at all, so no…. I wouldn’t expect you to feel a change.
Anonymous
Don’t worry too much about this. Just ask your dr to get labs re checked even two or three weeks into taking iron just to see if levels are going in the right direction. I feel like normally drs say re check in six to eight weeks, but I feel like if you messaged your provider now and explained that you just wanted to see if SlowFe was having any impact, I can’t imagine they’d say no.
FWIW there are times I’ve taken iron and noticed a huge increase in energy the way people describe. There’s other times where I’ve felt nothing. There are times where I’ve felt nothing and then a few weeks into iron supplements I’ll think – hmm I haven’t thought beach sand or chalk would be delicious in quite a while. Funny but this is symptom of iron deficiency sometimes so when I find myself not having thought that for a month, I assume there is some improvement.
Anonymous
Only time I’ve taken iron and felt a huge jump in energy was when I was having symptoms to begin with – in my case shortness of breath. When I’ve taken iron just because I was told to do so, the only way I knew it worked was by re checking labs.
Anonymous
Different question from new poster as I also recently started taking iron – when you start supplementing, what improves first the hemoglobin or the iron stores and ferritin levels? I would think hemoglobin because once that’s improved enough the body will start storing iron but IDK and I didn’t think to ask the dr. Google seems to be giving me either very basic answers or very complicated articles so I figured someone here may know.
Anon
I’m barely anemic, but Pure Encapsulations OptiFerin-C makes a dramatic difference in my energy. It’s not something I necessarily notice while I’m taking it, so much as if I skip a few doses and can’t keep my eyes open during a meeting.
Like a rolling stone
Ok, fun question to help me shop!! What would you wear to a Rolling Stones concert in July in California? I’m 38 years old, 5’2″, size XS, and think I probably want to avoid heels for this, although I’d be ok with a boot or bootie. I don’t do crop tops, but happy to show off shoulders or legs! It’s a rare solo trip with my husband so I want to look cute and have fun!
Anon
Where in CA and what time of day? It makes a difference! Native Californian here.
Like a rolling stone
Santa Clara at night!!!
Anon
Ok bring layers. It’s easiest to bring a sweater you can tie around your waist so it’s not in your way when you’re warm.
I’d honestly wear sneakers because you’ll be on your feet a lot of the time. It’s a huge huge stadium (assuming Levi) so the parking situation is something to make sure you know about ahead of time.
Last time I went I wore black jeans and an airy black top with black flats (wish I’d worn sneakers) and someone spilled on me so I was glad I had the sweater to put on over that. It gets chilly at night most summer nights in the Bay Area.
I believe Levi is a clear bag stadium still – or it was last time I went – so make sure you know what you can carry in.
Enjoy!
Anon
+1 to sneakers and layers. Personally until I’m in the band, comfort is more important to me at a stadium show. For the stones, I’d probably track down a vintage stones concert t-shirt, pair with jeans, sneakers and a LJ. And I’d wear something cute with heels out to dinner the next weekend.
Like a rolling stone
Ok, thank you for this because this Texas girl would absolutely not have been dressed for the weather!!
Moose
This, cuz fun:
https://joanieclothing.com/us/lya-star-print-long-sleeve-jumpsuit.html
Anon
Taking off my entire outfit to pee at a stadium with the floors the way they are is my idea of hell.
Anon
Is there an herb that would be good as a hanging plant in my kitchen?
Anon
Do you get plenty of sunlight? There’s are creeping or trailing versions of a lot of herbs, but most of them want sun.
Anon
Thyme. Chives would be good but not hanging. They’re both easy to grow & do well with the right amount of light and water.
Anecdata
How much light does it get?
Goodr sunglass reco
To the mom who posted over the weekend thread looking for sunglasses recommendation: my 14 year old son wears and likes his goodr sunglasses. He has “Mike and Keith’s midnight ramble OG-BK-BL1”. Black rims and blue lenses. For baseball caps, he wears the one with his school colors and logo the best (I think he got it from when he played baseball), but after that, he likes anything Nike or Under Armour.
work dresses
Looking for dresses I can wear to a relatively formal workplace with blazers this summer. Just past the knee or a little longer. Skirts could work too but just want to update an easy uniform for summer and having a hard time finding something “serious” enough to work. I feel like I see the look in the “wild” on more fashion forward women who manage to look both modern and professional but having a hard time finding ways to replicate IRL. Budget is $200 or under per dress, but could go a bit up for something special.
Also on the hunt for a great standalone suiting dress if anyone has any recommendations. Size 8, if that matters.
Risked Credit
Talbot, Ann Taylor and if on sale, Brooks Brother.
I really like these and they are reduced to $120.
https://www.brooksbrothers.com/fine-twill-crepe-v-neck-sheath-dress/WX00817.html?dwvar_WX00817_Color=DKBL
https://www.brooksbrothers.com/cap-sleeve-fine-twill-crepe-sheath-dress/WX00820.html?dwvar_WX00820_Color=NAVY
Anon
MM La Fleur is my go-to for work dresses.
Anonymous
I’ve mentioned it before on here, but I am a big fan of the modern citizen brand Fei tie from dresses. They’re $135 each. The natural always looks/hangs/drapes nicely on me. I live in Charlotte, so it gets hot here, and I like that the top is cut more to be short sleeves than sleeveless, so if I need to wear it without a cardigan/blazer, it still looks professional. I get tons of compliments when I wear them.
Digby
J McLaughlin usually has some dresses that meet your description – they have a lot of colorful prints, but usually also have a few dresses in solid black or navy, or in a muted print. One style, the Catalyst, works really well under a jacket. Once you know your size, you can often find them on eBay or Poshmark.
Anon
This is like saying there’s a lawyer shortage so why wouldn’t you just go to the cheapest school. Because where you get your degree matters regardless of profession.
Runcible Spoon
The silhouette that is universally applicable and flattering is a v-neck, faux-wrap, synthetic knit dress with 3/4 sleeves in a print that hits just below the knee. Chicos and Talbots often has this sort of dress, or you can look at a Department store (Macys, Nordstrom, does Lord & Taylor still exist online?). You can top it with a solid colored cardigan or short jacket (like an unlined black quilted collarless round neck jacket that was offered at J. Crew earlier this year, but is no longer available). If you want to wear a blazer or business suit-like jacket, you can wear the classic sleeveless sheath dress underneath. These might seem like dared recommendations, but they are long-standing classics for a reason. Good luck!
Anon
Genuinely asking – why do full-pay students apply for and attend (and why do their parents pony up for) really expensive nursing schools like the ones at UPenn or Georgetown? There’s such high demand for nurses that a fancy degree is not needed to get a job after college and doesn’t allow you to skip ahead in a very experience-based learning job. Are these “MRS” degrees?
Anonymous
No they aren’t Mrs degrees, how offensive. Why shouldn’t nursing students also like the chance to attend a prestigious school? Some parents aren’t particularly cost sensitive. Many of these schools offer competitive financial aid.
anon
I’ve never heard the phrase ‘not being cost sensitive’. Let’s not invent obfuscating language, they are rich.
Anon
It’s a standard economics term, that person didn’t invent it, though I agree that anyone who doesn’t blink at paying sticker price for an Ivy is rich.
Anon
LOL okay someone never took an econ class.
Anon
Maybe she just got an Mrs.
Anonymous
I went to UPenn and no the nurses were not there for an MRS degree. You rarely saw them trying to find boyfriends at the b school or med school or wherever you think they should’ve been looking. Yet a huge percentage of them ended up doing really high level nursing – OR nurses, ICU nurses, flight nurses staying at the UPenn, Georgetown etc health systems where really complicated cases come in. Why they went to Penn or Georgetown as opposed to some random school down the street – to get the high level opportunities described above and also lets be real because many came from families where paying 80k per year for school was NBD whether a child wants to study nursing or finance.
Anon
This was exactly my sense. Many nurses do things that are more complex than doctors did 100 years ago (eg., ER, cardiac, and oncology nurses). You aren’t going to get those jobs if you don’t have some very high level training.
Anon
I also went to UPenn and agree with this. there were some who back in the day applied as an easier way to get into Penn and then transferred into the College and pursued other majors, but the first few nurses that come to mind who I knew while at Penn, one decided on med school and is now a radiation oncologist at Hopkins, one started her nursing career at Sloan Kettering in NYC, got a nurse practitioner degree and still at Sloan Kettering 15+ years later doing something with stem cell transplants, two went on to become nurse anesthetists, and one is a stroke nurse practitioner coordinator at a hospital. could they possibly have gotten to those places with a nursing degree from a different school, definitely yes. is there often more to college than literally what you learn in the classroom, also yes. Also, I met my husband at Penn as did many of my friends, but I most certainly was not there for my MRS degree. It genuinely never occurred to me that I’d meet my husband at college. While my husband now has an objectively more successful career than I do, that is by choice for our family. In college we started dating shortly after we both interviewed for the same internship, which I got and he didn’t.
Anon
And I am guessing none of them are promoting ivermectin and essential oils instead of vaccines like some of the nurses I know who didn’t go to good schools.
Anon
A friend did the nursing program at UPenn, went on to get a PhD in nursing (think it’s called a DNP?), and now is a nursing professor! She loved her experience there.
Anonymous
exactly. They wanted to work at UPenn.
NY CPA
Also a Penn grad and agree they were not there for MRS but generally became quite advanced / high level nurses. I know several Penn nursing students who got nursing PhDs.
Anon
You should expand your thinking. A four year degree is an educational foundation for a lifetime, not a vocational school. A student may want a great education + the nursing degree. My niece is currently in such a program and both are important to her.
The “MRS degree” business is misogynistic and insulting. Try to be a better person.
Anon
I can think of several reasons:
As mentioned above, it is affordable for one reason or another (parents have the money, financial aid is outstanding).
The name of the school might open doors: better hospitals, different nursing positions (because all nursing isn’t the same), easier time moving into administration later in one’s career.
Nursing has a better ROI than plenty of other things people do with fancy degrees (like journalism).
Because – so long as the debt is manageable – college is about more than ROI. I went to a university that is a lot like Georgetown and it was a fantastic, life changing experience.
Anon
Nursing programs vary widely. A good nursing schools is providing a much, much better education than lousy ones. Aside from just being better at the job, this opens up career opportunities that are helpful to have when there’s a risk of burning out from bedside or facing physical obstacles someday.
Anon
The same thing can be said of engineering, but there’s still tons of demand for MIT and Caltech. There are lots of reasons why the fancy school experience is nicer if your parents can afford it or you get aid.
Anon
I have a friend that did nursing school at Villanova, a different but still expensive school. Thinking about loans wasn’t really a factor in her decision, for better or worse. She doesn’t have a better career than friends who went to state schools. Many degrees at these kinds of schools are a bad deal financially.
Anon
I live in Philly and have quite a few friends who went to nursing school at Penn.
– If you can get in and if you can pay full freight – why not go to the school you want to? Especially if you can get into a top school like Penn or Georgetown, why not go?
– Nursing pays a lot better than a lot of other jobs people are getting coming out of Penn and Georgetown. I used to live in DC and worked with many Georgetown SFS grads in NGOs, think tanks, and government jobs I had.
– Many Penn nursing grads stay and work for Penn Med hospitals, which are some of the best hospitals in the region and are well regarded across the country. If you don’t graduate from a top program (and of course, it helps to have the Penn connection), its nearly impossible to get hired by these systems as a new grad. I know two people who went to lesser nursing schools and couldn’t get jobs in Philly without experience so they commuted to Bethlehem / Allentown area for work for their first few years post-grad because that’s where they could get hired. Philly is saturated with nursing schools and really good hospital systems that can afford to be picky about who they hire. In addition to Penn, Jefferson and Temple have great hospital systems and nursing schools. As for schools without associated hospitals: St. Joes, Villanova, Drexel, Eastern, Gwynned Mercy, Widner, West Chester, La Salle, Holy Family, Immaculate, Neumann, and potentially others all have nursing schools too. Those are just Philly area schools, there are plenty of other programs elsewhere in the state.
– All of my friends who went to Penn worked in high acuity / competitive / specialized nursing units. If you want to be a nurse at an out patient GP or family practice office, its probably not “worth it” to go to Penn. But, if you want to work at HUP’s cardiac ICU, then go to Penn.
– Finally, all of my friends who went to Penn went on to get their NPs so I see the benefit of having a great undergraduate education if you plan on going back for the NP relatively quickly (they all finished theirs before age 30).
Anon
Despite the fact that most people here are picking college majors for their four year olds, lots of kids go to college without knowing exactly what they want to study. So lots of people might pick the prestigious university before deciding what to major in. I agree that dismissing those students as just looking for a husband is offensive.
Anon
While that’s true a lot of the time, it’s usually hard to transfer into a nursing program from another major due to the nursing school requirements. It seems to be more common for people to finish their undergrad in something else and then attend a Bachelors to BSN bridge program to become a nurse.
Anon
Wow imagine thinking that a degree from an Ivy League school in 2024 is a “MRS” degree! Let alone in a famously hard major!
Anonymous
Right?? I went to UPenn. Anyone who wants an MRS degree isn’t choosing a major where they need to take anatomy and physiology and spend tons of walking hours in the hospital often starting at 6 am. They are choosing a slam dunk major where they can roll out of bed until noon, go to class if they want, party the night away, and at the end of the semester write one paper per class and they’re done. I won’t be rude enough to mention what those majors are but at Penn they are not nursing.
Anon
And way to assume nurses are all women, and golddiggers to boot.
Anon
+1. What a gross question, put in such a gross way.
Anon
Yikes! It’s 2024. Women pursuing higher education do so for themselves, not for a ring!
In my state, most hospitals don’t hire 2 year community college RN grads. They want a 4 year BSN.
Anon
I think the RNs without BSNs now have 30+ years of experience. Now, they get BSNs but RN without a 4-year degree is increasingly rare for younger people.
My local state U with 30K undergrads has a tiny nursing program that is hard to get into from high school. And Duke’s nursing program is only a graduate level program.
Anon
I’m the poster above. You’re right, some people do a separate 4 year degree then a 2 year RN and get hired. A friend did this. She had a BS in psychology degree and went back to nursing school, and she got a much better job offer in an ER. Most of her classmates with “just” a 2 year RN are in care homes, rehabs, etc that don’t pay as well.
Seventh Sister
I have a friend from a fancy WASP family who did one of those degrees. She wanted to work (and actually works) in international development. Having a health care degree made her really sought-after in her field. Her trust fund took care of her education and provides a certain cushion/backup if everything falls apart.
If I was from a culture where women were expected to stay home after marriage and raise kids, I’d really want my own daughter to have a degree/major that would make it easy for her to enter the workforce. Pretty much any divorce court in America expects women to make their own money post-divorce.
NaoNao
I would imagine part of it is the networking and job placement. I’m not in nursing per se, but I can speculate that there are likely prestigious and desirable jobs that would benefit from “knowing someone” and being easily placed into those roles.
Anonymous
Not all nursing jobs are the same. Do you honestly think a cancer research nurse and a school nurse are interchangeable? Heck, nurses are often involved in health IT product development and any number of things that aren’t even direct to patient care, too.
You go to a top school because top training opens one to top opportunities in any profession.
But thanks for taking me back about 30 years, which is the last time I remember anyone even talking about a MRS degree. It was a gross concept then, and it’s way grosser now.
Anon
Probably asked a million times – how much do you tip movers?
Context: moving within NYC tri-state area (one suburb to another). We’re paying $2800 for the move itself (flat fee).
TIA!
Anon
I’ve always given 40-60 to each mover in cash depending on how hard the move was.
Anon
We moved from Westchester County to Fairfield County and picked a family owned moving company. We tipped $50/mover on both ends because we split the move over two days (with a period in storage in between); if it’s one straight trip maybe do $60 per. We also provided breakfast and lunch.
Senior Attorney
In addition to meals if they are working at mealtime, make sure you have water for them all day.
Runcible Spoon
And let them use your powder room.
Nina
If you went to a “fancy” or “name brand” school – do you think it helped you?
I hate to say, but I really do think my grad school does. My undergrad was fine but my grad school was more ivy-level and people do seem to have a positive reaction to it in interviews, introductions, what do you know about XYZ type situations.
Anon
I went to a state school for undergrad and grad school (science PhD) and def think it was detrimental to not have a name brand school when trying to get my first (non-academic) job out of grand school. Advice given to incoming science PhDs is “it’s not the name of the school but the professor/advisor you work under” – which may be true if you stay in academic but not true if you leave (which most PhDs do these days b/c so few academic jobs). In the end, while it was harder to get my first job (I think), now that I’m 15 years into my career, name of my school doesn’t matter at all. At the same time – I also completed 9 years of higher education with $0 in debt so there’s that advantage :)
Anon
Yes.
Anon
I went to a non-Ivy / super elite but very well regarded school about 90 minutes from where I grew up / the city where I currently live. I work in government (so where you went doesn’t matter) and majored in / worked in a field that’s not among my university’s specialties. Even so, I do think that it helped me – when I tell people where I went they’re really impressed (to the point where I think they must think its more impressive than it really is).
I’d also say the network is pretty strong – everyone LOVED going to this school so they have a positive association with the school and thus seem happy to connect with fellow alumni. Also, due to the school’s reputation and my experience as a student, I have no qualms about recommending a current student or fellow alumni, even if I don’t know their work product personally, to a colleague. It’s a pretty safe bet that in order to graduate they have intelligence and a strong work ethic and that their education prepared them well for the workforce.
My friends who studied our college’s more well-known majors quite literally had their pick of jobs. For example, I don’t know a single person who graduated from the business school without a Big 4 offer if they wanted one. Instead of asking a business student where / if they got an offer, the question was “which Big 4 did you accept an offer from?”.
I live in an area with a LOT of colleges, many of which are very good (including one Ivy) and the name of my undergrad stands out positively in a sea of other good, local graduates.
I did grad school in my city at one of the more “average” schools (good reputation locally for smart but not the smartest kids, but not known nationally – there are many worse schools in our area and quite a few better schools). I thought the education was really, really subpar to what I got in undergrad and I was pretty embarrassed by the standards people were held to. My brother also did his grad degree here and agreed with my assessment. The school has made a really nice niche for itself by offering several affordable graduate programs (he did an MBA, I did a MS in my field) – to the point that it’s cheaper than our local state school for grad school. As a result it has a pretty good reputation since a lot of people end up getting a degree there – I seem to be the only person who doesn’t think the education was “worth it”. It opened my eyes to how low standards are and how poor secondary education can be. If this is a “fine” school, WTF are the not as good schools like?!
Anon
I have to challenge your government assumption. At my agency, where you went to school very much matters.
Anon
I’ve heard this before and I”m honestly so confused by it. I have worked at the local and federal levels as both a direct hire and a contractor. I’ve hired for positions and sat on many hiring panels. Never once has there been an opportunity to rate a candidate based on their education. As you know when hiring in government, you live and die by the approved rubric / grading system – every decision has to be justified and documented with the rationale behind it.
Anon
Mine, too.
Anon
What government agencies care about education? It’s never been use in scoring applicants in my experience at the state and federal levels.
Anonymous
Can’t speak to every government agency everywhere but worked at a financial regulator in DC that definitely cared. Of course they also hire predominately ex biglaw and to be in biglaw you’ve usually gone to one of ten or fifteen schools anyway. But yeah pedigree definitely mattered for them. I was never involved in selecting applicants so IDK about scoring but interview and post interview, YES people would definitely take the view of – well I liked both people but this person went to Harvard, UPenn while this other person went to Indiana or Maryland and lean towards the ivy applicant.
Anonymous
I know people hate hearing this but for me – yes. It just gets me into rooms and into interviews that I wouldn’t have without my undergrad and law school especially undergrad. I’ve been told years after the fact that I got hired in my attorney job over someone else because of my undergrad school – and this is after I had been out of law school for a decade.
I don’t think it’s necessary for the people who are in industries where name or network doesn’t matter OR you already have that network – say you grew up in the Connecticut hedge fund communities in those country clubs or went to Georgetown Day School or whatever. But for an Asian with immigrant parents coming from a very average suburb in NJ and having no connections, I definitely needed the schools to launch me into the higher level professions I wanted.
Nina
Yep Asian from immigrant family too. It’s kinda funny that basically the outcome of what I did in high school holds weight, but it just seems to.
And I’m not in law/finance. More nonprofit / international development. Yet my bosses went to Harvard and MIT and Stanford so I feel like it plays a role in more industries than is obvious. And then when someone is asking here or a family friend is applying to college I want to tell them that as annoying as it is the name matters.
Anon
It seems sector dependent. I went to HYP and work in the public sector. I don’t think it helps me, and I’m almost always the only Ivy or top tier grad in my workplace, on committees, etc. That said, I recognize many consulting or law firms only recruit at certain schools, so it certainly helps those graduates who pursue particular fields of employment.
I went to a state school for grad school, and while I lived in state, that certainly opened more doors and shared connections among grads and rabid sports fans! My school won a NCAA championship at one point, so everyone was on the bandwagon.
Anon
I think it helps if you want some jobs in some cities. OTOH, in my city, unless some one is from here or married to someone from here, we doubt an entry-level hire from HYP would take and stay for any job in our city (but if they went to flagship state U with the same credentials, even if from elsewhere, would interview them in a heartbeat).
Anon
How could you tell if they/their spouse are from there without interviewing them? That seems unfair. People may move home to care for aging family, want a cheaper COL, etc.
Anon
They probably ask about connections to the local area in an initial screening interview. I did OCI at a Honolulu law firm in law school. I didn’t really intend to move to Hawaii, but thought it would be a fun place to spend a summer. Lots of other kids had the same idea and the firm weeded us out very easily, lol. The only people who got callbacks had either grown up there or gone to UH for undergrad.
Anon
That was what a cover letter used to tell you. “I’m not from Rapid City, but spouse and I are relocating to join his family back in his hometown” hits different than something with no obvious tie to the area that you could have sent to a thousand other places. Different for someone who has already moved here and is local to you.
Anon
I know I’ve seen that cover letters are being phased out, but I’ve changed jobs 2x in the last 4 years and every job I applied to (probably about 10 jobs per change) and every job I have hired for has required cover letters still. Are they really going away?
Anon
I went to a fancy undergrad and then state school grad school. The undergrad name definitely helped me to get into grad school- I was on the admissions committee the next year and the committee members clearly looked more favorably on fancy undergrads. I knew I wanted to go into a non-competitive niche in my career and state school was 1/5th the cost of a fancy grad school so it was definitely the right choice more me. It hasn’t hindered MY prospects, but if I wanted to go more competitive I bet it would.
Anon
I did for grad school and it definitely impresses people in my small fish/big pond area. I don’t think I can point to a specific job it got me or anything like that, but I think generally people are impressed by it.
Anon
Whoops, I got that backwards. I live in a big fish/small pond area.
Anon
yes, or at least it used to. both my undergrad and grad are from ivies, but ones that have spent too much time in the news since October 7th. i used to always feel a sense of pride associated with my alma maters, but my thoughts have changed as of late. i did not need the stuff i learned to get my current job, but the name brand of the schools definitely got me my current job. for my husband without a doubt the name brand of his undergrad and grad have made a huge difference in his career, especially bc we live in an area where there aren’t as many alums of those schools. and while i am obviously biased, my husband is actually a super motivated, smart, hard worker who reads about his area of work for fun, so the ‘help’ his name brand education gives him is actually warranted.
Anon
Yes, I know of at least two concrete ways in which it helped, and I’m sure there are more I don’t know of. I got a huge ($75k) merit scholarship to law school (despite not having amazing grades in college) because “we don’t get many ___ grads here” (at a T25 law school, not a terrible one). It also helped me get a job in Big Law in the height of the recession. The firm that eventually hired me wasn’t really looking for associates, but told me the name brand school caught their eye. Especially going to a law school that was good but not super elite, I think having the really fancy undergrad helped a lot in job searching.
That said, my parents paid full price, and I don’t think there’s any universe in which taking on $200k+ of debt would have been worth it. That’s a hole that’s nearly impossible to dig yourself out of.
NY CPA
I think it depends on industry. I went to an Ivy undergrad and a top-ranked state university for grad school, and my early jobs were all obtained based on family/friend connections, not alumni or school recruiting, but I was going into a somewhat non-traditional career for those schools. If I wanted to be in banking or consulting or law, I’m sure they would have been much more helpful. Now that I’m established in my career, it’s the prestige of my corporate experience that matters more than the prestige of my diploma.
Nina
Okay but it is different if you had family/friend connections – it may not have mattered if you didn’t go to an Ivy at all since you would have had those connections regardless. I do agree that its most useful in banking/consulting/law, and that eventually prestige of experience matters more.
Anecdata
Yes. I went to a very small, relatively unknown, undergrad (that was a fantastic fit for me, and also gave me a full scholarship — I’m so glad I went there); and a very prestigious grad school, and I can tell that the brand name degree opens some doors.
Anon
My internships were a lot more important than where I went to school. The internships got me jobs.
Anon
Yes, but often where you go to schools impacts what types of internships you get.
Anon
Yes, while I was in my twenties and fresh out of school, but once I got into my 30s, no one cared, but I work in the arts, so I don’t think it has the same significance.
Anonymous
In my arts field, where you went to school and what summer programs you attended and who your teacher was are all quite important. For one position where I was recently involved in the hiring process they brought in candidates with fancy degrees who were not good or even just plain awful, and wouldn’t even audition some candidates I personally know to be excellent just because they didn’t have the pedigree.
Anonymous
I think the name matters most for your highest degree. I went to an elite public university for my bachelor’s degree and don’t think it has ever helped me beyond making people say “oh, wow.” I went to an unimpressive local school for grad school because I was married and didn’t want to relocate my family. I deeply regret that choice because there are career opportunities that are simply closed to me because I didn’t go to a top 3 school.
Anon
It helped me more when I lived on the coasts. Now that I’m in the Midwest (for H’s job), it matters a LOT less. In fact, I would have been better off with a degree from Midwest State U than my fancy T20 law school.
Anon
Any basic mountain bike recommendations for a plus-sized friend? I’m an experienced mountain biker and could spec her out a really great bike, but her budget is <$500 and she wants something sturdy that isn't going to creak and make her feel fat.
Anon
Find a used steel bike and put the money into wheels (36 spoke tandem wheels if they’re very large). Wheels are where issues happen with larger riders.
Surly would be a good starting point, though finding something used in good shape at that price point is going to be a challenge.
Anon
Tl;dr, This is the use case for a 90s mountain bike with updated drivetrain and wheels. Its a solid choice for any new cyclist, but especially for folks who are on the heavy side.
Anon
Has anyone sent an Amazon order or Amazon fresh order to themselves at a U.S. hotel? I am chaperoning some kids to a multi-day event out-of-state and would like to have some drinks and snacks, etc. in my hotel room, but since I won’t have a car, it would be way easier if I just had them shipped to the hotel.
Olivia Rodrigo
Yep! We did this at Disney.
Anon
Call the hotel and ask. They’ll know whether it’s possible and how to handle addresses etc.
Alison
I’ve done this for business trips all the time! And on friend group trips. Definitely do it.
NY CPA
Yes, I’ve done this both in the US and the UK. Just call the hotel before you order, say you want to have something shipped, and ask them how you should address the package. With Amazon, I try to time the order so it arrives the day before I do.
anon
Handling deliveries is pretty routine for most hotels. The last Hyatt I stayed at had a fee for handling my package – maybe $3 or $4.
Senior Attorney
Yes, I’ve done it and it worked out fine.
Anonymous
I did this with Postmates once.
South American girl
I’ve done this with no problem in Miami, but the staff from the same hotel chain at their Orlando location were super annoyed, so call the front desk before you order.
Anon
I’m struggling with when and how to share the news with family and friends that I’m finally pregnant. In my early 40s, and this has been a struggle for me and DH, although we have kept our fertility journey largely private (versus some friends who share every detail on social media or in group chats). I’m 5 months along, every test looks great, and we feel confident that the pregnancy is viable. The problem is within my family and friend group, several women have struggled unsuccessfully, and I worry how they will react. I told one family member the good news, and she hasn’t spoken to me since. She and her husband haven’t been able to have a child. It felt really hurtful for her to cut me off, although I understand for her, this represents something she may never achieve for herself and surely causes tough emotions for them.
Now, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells around other friends. I have several close friends who have tried fertility treatments unsuccessfully. How and when should I share this news? I don’t want to hurt them, but at a certain point, they will know what’s up. I have a little belly, but I don’t wear tight clothing so it’s not noticable. I went out for drinks with one this past weekend, and I told her I couldn’t have alcohol due to a medication. I feel quite bad being deceptive.
Anon
Unpopular opinion, but sometimes women going through infertility or miscarriages need to find ways to be better friends (I say this as someone who has had two pregnancy losses so far and I do not yet have any living kids). My best friend in the world was pregnant at the same time as me and it wasn’t always easy to be there for her, but you know what else is hard? Withdrawing from friends and not being there for the exciting parts of their lives. It will absolutely be challenging and painful at times to say “congratulations, I’m so happy for you,” but it’s one sentence.
You should tell your news to whomever you want to tell. Their reactions aren’t on you to manage. I don’t believe that people need to lessen their own happiness because others have challenges. Would I reach out to the friend struggling with infertility with complaints like “omg this round ligament pain is SOOOO awful?” Of course not. But a pregnancy announcement is never insensitive.
Anon
This (and had a miscarriage before a successful geriatric pregnancy).
Anon
OP here- congrats on the successful pregnancy! I’ve had 2 pregnancy losses over 10 years and am so thrilled this little one seems to “stick”! But I haven’t felt jealous when other friends or family members have a baby, even though I thought it might not happen for me. So this situation is hard.
Cerulean
I went through IVF and I agree. I think infertility groups online have really egged on this behavior and it’s unhealthy for everyone involved.
Anon
+1 to the egging on point.
Anonymous
My heart goes out to people struggling with infertility but I tend to agree with this and with the poster at 1244. We have to assume people will respond appropriately and give them grace.
Anon
I disagree. I think the online spaces are safe and healthy places for people to vent feelings and frustrations that nobody else would understand so that they can show up and be nice in the rest of their lives.
Anon
But then people shouldn’t be ghosting close friends and family in real life.
Cerulean
I meant that infertility groups egg on ghosting as “self-care” and that’s what’s unhealthy. The venting and being able to talk to those with similar experiences is important, of course.
Anon
OP here – I appreciate this!
Anon
This.
Anon
I agree (as someone who has been through infertility with no way out in sight).
Anon
I agree completely and extend this to anything tough in life.
Anon
Yeah, as a long-time single woman in my 30s who desperately wants a relationship and eventually marriage and kids, every new relationship, engagement, wedding, pregnancy announcement, and baby is a reminder that I don’t have the things that I desperately want AND that due to my age its increasingly likely that children are something I’ll never get. There are days I cry about it and I do occasionally vent to my mom or my two other single friends, but I never bring this up with my friends celebrating these milestones. I’m always happy for them and go all out to celebrate, because that’s the reaction I’d want if and when I’m in their shoes.
Anon
You’re 5 months so I would share now if you’re comfortable. As someone who also went through IVF, I understand and appreciate your sensitivity. I would tell as many people who may be sensitive to the news over email/text as possible, which will allow them to process privately before responding. And congrats!!!
Anon
Thank you!
Cerulean
Hi. I went through IVF, and I’ve both been the friend that had to swallow my feelings a bit when others announced, and the friend who had to share with those who have struggled. I think the best way to do this for people who have dealt with infertility is a text, so they have time to manage their feelings on their own before they see you. “Hey, I wanted you to know that I’m expecting and due in August. I know this might be hard for you, but I wanted to let you know”. I also deployed a blabbermouth friend and some aunts, and let them know you’re okay sharing the information. For the record, I think it’s a shame your friend ghosted you. We need friends in good times and in bad.
Anon
Thanks. It was a close family member who ghosted, which seems even more awkward. I mean, we’ll all show up at the holidays, and I’ll have a baby. I would hope she doesn’t ignore us and her new family member.
Anon
Ghosting is so incredibly cruel and there is honestly no excuse for it absent extreme abuse. Which a happy pregnancy update…isn’t.
Anon
Yeah, it’s definitely childish. This family member’s husband emailed me for a favor recently. He didn’t ask about the pregnancy or mention that his wife hasn’t spoken to me in 2 months. We used to speak/text several times weekly if not daily. I responded to try and keep the lines of communication open, but it didn’t feel great.
Anon
To be fair, he probably doesn’t know that his wife has ghosted you.
Anon
True, I hadn’t considered that. He may still think we’re in touch. Thanks for that perspective.
Anon
I’m the one struggling with infertility in my circle of friends and I had one previously very close friend straight up not talk to me at all during the 9 months she was pregnant and didn’t bother telling me until she’d had her baby. It’s one of the most hurtful things anybody has done to me.
Anon
I want to give you a hug.
Anon
I’ve had a friend tell me this preference is “unusual,” but in any case, I personally hate when people approach me to share their good news with a caveat about how it “might be hard for me.” Two examples are pregnancy news and Mother’s Day (“I know this is a hard day for you.”) I prefer for my friends to assume that I’m a good friend who will be happy for them when they want to share something objectively happy. I’ll reach out IF I need support – but I don’t like being treated like I’m that fragile or feeling like people are walking on eggshells around me. Far from making me feel cared for, it makes me feel isolated. I would much prefer a basic “hey, wanted to let you know we’re having a baby!” text or email.
Anon
OP here – I agree with your approach! I didn’t begrudge friends who got married before me, and many of them did. I was thrilled for them and happy to celebrate. I definitely see how the framing of “this may be hard” positions someone as weak at best or begruding at worst.
Anon
+1. I’d feel a little condescended to if told that I’m going to have a hard time with my friend’s news. Whole point of sharing over text is to avoid the confrontation that might make things hard or awkward! Also agree that it’s time to share.
Lastly, hold into hope that your ghosting friend will process her feelings and show up when baby is born!
Best of luck to you!
Cerulean
I wrote that script above, but reflecting on this, I actually agree with you! I think it’s fair to treat it as more neutral news for the recipient rather than OMG you must be so sad.
Anon
Tell people who you know might struggle with the news over text or email, that’s my only advice.
Anon
Thank you! I’ll go with this suggestion.
Anon
I’ve been on both sides of this coin. For the “ghosting” — I did that, not purposefully, but I really just couldn’t deal. Maybe that made me a bad friend. But my pregnant friend gave me space and grace, and our friendship weathered it. I understand it’s hurtful, I really do. But sometimes people need time, even if that makes them imperfect.
On the other side of the coin, I offered the news with no caveats. I knew my friends would be hurt over the deception and keeping things from them. Some needed some time to process; others didn’t.
Give yourself and others some grace. This can be complex.
And congratulations, truly. Wishing you a peaceful pregnancy and a healthy little nugget!
Anon
In my opinion, it’s the ghosting part, not the needing space part, that is incredibly hurtful. If you had said to your friend that you needed to step back for a little while to take care of yourself, I’m sure she would’ve understood. You would’ve gotten the same result without the side of hurting someone. I’m so glad that you eventually got your good news though.
Anon
OP here – I agree the ghosting is hard. It was really jarring to tell my family member, then have her go from us talking/texting almost every day to…nothing. I felt like I had done something wrong. I wish she would have told me she needed time to process, that it was hard for her, whatever. It also gives me anxiety thinking about the family holiday gatherings, when I show up with a baby. I’ll be very worried about how she will react, and feel I need to manage her emotions.
Anon
Also OP, adding that this will be the first grandchild of our age cohort, so I feel extra worried about how she’ll react if senior family members are happily doting on the baby.
Runcible Spoon
As others have mentioned, you can’t manage other peoples’ reactions to your good news, or to the new baby at family gatherings. When they go low, you go high.
NaoNao
Front load the expected reaction “I have exciting news and I hope to celebrate with you–my husband and I are expecting” but also (use your judgement) maybe note the struggles so it doesn’t sound like a casual oopsie baby that “just happened” in your 40s while others are really struggling (I’m childfree, FYI so I don’t have a horse in that race). Maybe just a “Between us two, it was a tough journey to get here with ups and downs and we’re celebrating because we weren’t at all sure we’d get here.” and then a final acknowledgement of their situation “and I hope I’ll be getting a call or text like this from you too in the future!”
Anon
OP here- I really like this approach! It’s true that my DH and I are far more private on social media. My best friend in college, who I’m still close with, was very public and quite explicit about her fertility treatment, miscarriage, and subsequent divorce. It was cathartic for her. I’m not like that. It would give me massive anxiety to feel I have an audience following along with bated breath, like my life is a soap opera. I’ve always been more shy and keep things to myself, and my friends know that, so they probably won’t be surprised to hear a comment about it being a tough journey.
Anon
What I learned during my one and only pregnancy: as long as you are gentle with people’s feelings, how they react is a reflection on them. In fact, you can learn a lot about people by how they react. Eerily, a lot.
Anon
recs for a hotel in Portland, OR for one night with kids. would love to be able to walk somewhere in the morning for breakfast/activity before heading to the airport, but safety is priority. we will have a rental car.
SMC - San Diego
I have stayed at the Inn at Northrup Station several times and enjoyed it. It is not fancy but it is also not a cookie cutter hotel. It is not super close to the main tourist area but there are a lot of nice restaurants near by (and they include breakfast) and it is within a few miles of quite a lot (highly recommend the Portland Zoo if you have time).
NYC Anon
A friend is from Portland and had her wedding at The Nines. It was several years ago, but it was very nice.
Senior Attorney
The Nines is great but expensive. However the restaurant in the hotel has a very nice breakfast.
Sallyanne
Very late but in case you check back…I would second the Inn at Northrup Station. Very walkable neighborhood (possible to walk to Japanese and Rose Gardens but zoo would be car ride). I would not recommend The Nines, or really anywhere downtown right now.