Tuesday’s TPS Report: Ibiza Bis Concealed Sweater

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

Diane von Furstenberg Ibiza Bis Concealed SweaterThis sweater’s kind of crazy, and I love that — but it’s just a brushed wood grain pattern, and it’s just a rayon/nylon cardigan in a classic shape. It’s $245 at ShopBop. Diane von Furstenberg Ibiza Bis Concealed Sweater

Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail [email protected]



  1. Diana Barry :

    Oh hai, just hanging out in my crazy sweater with my REALLY SHORT SHORTS!

    I just signed my kids up for gymnastics class. It is $900 for the spring session. Gulp.

    • Today's Fashion Sin :

      Whaaaa? Why didn’t I get this at Target when I went to pick up diapers and wipes. At least I can craft a pair of cutoff shorts (which is not to say that I should). I will save DVF for a pretty dress.

    • How could I wear a sweater like this to work? It look’s kind of sheer which means that Frank would be lookeing at it (and it’s content’s — includeing my boobies) like a hawk! FOOEY!

      The manageing partner sent me an EMAIL last nite telling me he want’s me to go to BALTIMORE to pitch a new cleint (related to the supermarket guy’s who are still on the fence) about doing WC cases for them. I said to the manageing partner that I am NOT admitted to the BALTIMORE bar, or Maryland where they are so how can I do WC cases there? He said that would NOT be a probelem, b/c he know’s a guy in Baltimore whose admitted down there and I could just use their stationeary, and he could sign the pleeading’s, which I have on my word processor anyway.

      He think’s all I have to do is change the top of the caption from NY to Baltimore, and mabye throw in a couple of Baltimore cases. FOOEY!

      I am NOT clear if the manageing partner wants ME to do the cases in court, or this guy, who he went to law school with. I looked him up and he does NOT have any WC listed on his websight, tho he doe’s have estate planning. I do NOT see how that helps.

      I do NOT want to have to go down to Baltimore all the time for calendar call’s, and I do NOT think I can go down there and appear PRO HOCK VECHE. Most important, I do NOT want to have to take the Baltimore Bar. DOUBEL FOOEY!

      But first, I have to get the business, the manageing partner say’s. I may NOT even want this business b/c I do NOT want to spend 4 hour’s sitteing on a train every time I go watching my tush grow. I will do the sale’s call, but I can NOT gurantee that I will be at my best. NO FIRE ENGINE RED LIPSTICK and DRESS for these guy’s. I am a NYC gal, and do NOT want to start haveing to learn to study for the Baltimore Bar Exam. TRIPEL FOOEY!

    • $900! That’s insane.

    • Juuuuust wait till they get to middle/high school… these kiddie activities will seem so simple and cheap!

    • Holy crap. How many kids? Are you going to Brestyan’s? My daughter goes to GAB Acton and it’s no where near that expensive (and I’m quite happy with them).

      • Diana Barry :

        2 kids, nope. One is 550 and the other is 350 (discounted bc a sibling!). Sigh.

        • Yep. We pay over $300 for each 8-week session. He’s on pre-team, so “only” 2 practices, 2 hrs each, per week.

    • I rowed in high school and it was the same thing- definitely 1000s per year plus all the travel. I was in high school though, so I worked in the summer and paid for it (mostly) myself.

    • Be thankful they don’t play ice hockey :-)

  2. preg anon :

    Hey, ladies. Question for you. I’m due at the end of July. My brother-in-law just got engaged, and they would like to do a destination wedding in Italy. They were thinking September but then realized that probably wouldn’t work for me, so they want to know the earliest I would be up for flying with the baby or leaving the baby with my parents.

    This is my first, so I really have no idea. Any thoughts?

    • No kids myself, but friends have said its easiest to travel when the kids are v little/newborn, Sept/Oct may work well for you.

      • I agree. I flew with my son when he was 3 months old, and again at 6 months. It was a hassle lugging the carseat through the airport and packing all the stuff a baby needs, but he was no problem–smiled and slept through the flights. They were all domestic, but I think longer would have been fine.

        Many airlines have bassinets that attach to the wall in front of the bulkhead seats. You’ll want to check into those.

        If you are nursing, food is very easy while you travel. Once you start some solids or if you’re using formula, you might want to check out how picky baby is before you go. If s/he is at all willing to try new things, go with that–better than shaping picky tastes for later.

        The fact that they are willing to consider your travel needs when scheduling their wedding says a lot! I bet they’d be willing to have diapers, a stroller, and other things you need on hand when you get there–you’ll have enough to carry anyway.

        Speaking of strollers, there are some really good ones in Italy. Maybe wait til the wedding trip to get one.

        A lot of this depends on your personality. I had no problem grabbing my kid and going lots of places with him. Other people want to completely structure their kid’s environment and control every thing they come into contact with. A third group wants to set the kid up to allow themselves to get back to their own life as soon as possible (example: my mother weaned my sister at 3 months, drove to another state to leave her with Grandma who took the baby to work every day so Mom could go to one of Dad’s conferences as a spouse). If you can figure out ahead of time which you’ll be, it will help you plan

        • Thanks, everybody. There are some good thoughts here. I’m not sure what to do yet.

          It’s interesting you say that they are willing to consider my travel needs when scheduling their wedding. I hadn’t thought about it like that because I’ve been mostly irritated with them. I feel like they are rushing it, and by having a wedding in Italy this soon after the baby is born, they are necessarily not taking my needs into consideration.

          I’m thinking of just saying we can’t go. My husband’s mom is not going to be okay with me not going, though, so I don’t really know where to go from there. But I’ve given up on the idea of leaving the baby behind, and taking her sounds bad too. A friend who traveled abroad with a three-month old said it completely messed up the baby’s sleep schedule for weeks after returning home, which was right when she was returning to work. She said the time change was a way bigger problem than the flight.

          Plus, I honestly don’t want to spend the money and the time to go to Italy when it’s probably not going to be all that fun for me. I will be just healed (hopefully) and probably not back into my regular clothes or feeling very good about myself. I’ll probably be really unsure of my parenting skills, so a week with the in-laws will be pretty stressful. It just doesn’t sound that fun.

          • Blonde Lawyer :

            Could husband go solo and you stay home w/ the baby and maybe have a friend come visit and help out?

          • I say go. I took my son to Italy when he was six months. I fretted about it beforehand, but it really worked out. I would have regretted not going, and I suspect you may too. Besides, everyone in Italy loooves babies!

          • Senior Attorney :

            That would be my suggestion. I think that’s about the biggest concession his family can reasonably expect, given the timing.

          • Can we have a rule that if people have destination weddings, no one (couple or others) is allowed to be horrid or even whiny about people who don’t go, for whatever reason? Especially if they are post-partum?

            [If a guy had had a heart attack and said, “I don’t think that this is the right time,” who would fault him?]

            Your MIL probably doesn’t read this blog — you could probably blame the whole thing on not having passport and the sequester :)

          • Diana Barry :

            Agree with Blonde Lawyer – if you don’t think it would be a good idea for you to go, don’t, and send your husband.

            You could also buy a refundable ticket for yourself (if those even exist any more?) or travel insurance.

          • I’d stay home, too. The idea of a destination wedding during the infant phase sounds freaking dreadful, honestly. Especially because you’re still finding your footing as a parent, and yes, the in-laws will be watching.

          • hellskitchen :

            I don’t think they should move around their wedding by too much but I also don’t think you should feel any obligation to go. Your mother-in-law is being very unreasonable if she expects you to attend. Prioritize yourself – perhaps say you will have to make a last minute decision based on how you feel.

          • saacnmama :

            First time I read this, I didn’t catch that it’s just a destination wedding, not the home of one of the newlyweds. Ugh. I totally agree with V on destination weddings.

            I still say traveling with a babe is easy–but totally respect your decision.

            Are you planning a c-section? If not, there isn’t a lot of physical healing to do, “just” a lot of adjustment to being on call 24-7

    • On the practical front, I can’t think of anywhere germier than an airport. And I’m not even sure about what to do re passport for the baby. If you do it, *please* buy a seat for your baby and bring the car seat on the plane with you for safety — turbulance can be a b*tch and is not safe for someone who has a heavy head and developing neck muscles.

      If you are nursing, not bringing the baby = bringing a pump. Not my idea of fun in international airports or in Italy. Hard on a longish trip.

      2015? 2025?

      • Having just gone through this, I can tell you that you do need a passport for a baby to travel anywhere internationally. At least in my city/state, it takes about 3 weeks after the baby is born for the city to even have a birth certificate. Once you get the birth certificate and the social security number (I think that took a month-ish after the baby was born?), you can get a passport for the baby. That will take 2-3 weeks if you pay to have the passport expedited.

        I left my baby for the first time for a work trip at 6 months. It was difficult and I had to bring a pump, but it’s doable.

    • My super-uptight friend (I mean this in the most loving way possible) flew from the west coast of Canada to France when her first was 6 weeks for a wedding. She said it was pretty easy – babies at that stage are immobile and sleep a lot (hopefully). It’s harder when they move more and have more opinions. I think earlier may be better!

    • Honestly, there are so many parts of this that totally depend on the kid and your pregnancy.

      Considerations for you – how soon after the birth are you going to feel comfortable sitting for an extended international flight? If it’s 6 to 8 weeks for the mom to recover from birth, you might not want to go before then. Then, are you going to be breastfeeding, and what are you going to do about that (whether or not you bring baby)?

      Taking the baby – Tiny baby, lots of stuff. Are you still going to be figuring out your baby’s routine? Is an international flight going to disrupt that routine (I’m thinking most likely, yes)?

      Not taking the baby – who is going to watch your kid when you are gone? Do you have someone you trust enough to watch your newborn while you are on a completely different continent? Leaving your infant overnight while you do a driving trip is a lot different than flying overseas. Watching kids when they are old enough to talk and tell the caregivers their needs is totally different from an infant who can’t do anything but cry. You know best if your parents are going to live up to that challenge.

      So, a lot of this is going to have to do with your comfort level with babies, traveling, and your caregiving options. The first and last are things that you may not be sure of until after the baby is born. You might also talk to your OB or a pediatrician about their thoughts on implications of traveling with (or without) a newborn.

    • We traveled with our 3 month old across 7 time zones this past summer. The travel itself was fine–the plane was actually quite soothing for the baby, she mostly slept in the bassinet the airline provided. She did not get sick from the airport or the plane. However, the time difference was a horror at both ends–at our destination, she woke up ALL THE TIME during the night (far, far more than she did at home). It was very hard to get her to go back to sleep for any length of time once she woke up at, say, 2:30am. My husband and I were both extremely sleep deprived for the entire trip (exacerbated by the fact that we were essentially stuck all in the same room the whole night–no where for one of us to take the baby to let the other get some sleep). Then coming home she took another 3 weeks or so to get back to anything resembling a decent sleep pattern.

      That’s just my experience, but it was so miserable I would never think about taking a little baby across so many time zones again without an amazing reason to do so.

      • Oh, I didn’t even consider the time difference issue. Yes, that would make the trip way, way harder.

      • Diana Barry :

        This is true – when I traveled for the wedding when baby was 4 months, I was a zombie the whole time…baby slept terribly and that was with no time change.

        • new york associate :

          It could also have been the four month sleep regression – it’s so hard with little ones because the sleep patterns change anyway.

      • Divaliscious11 :

        Its not so bad if you are traveling from the east coast, and slide the time zone by 3 hours.
        Actually, as I rethink this, my first was at 8 weeks, but my second was 6 weeks to the day. The longer you stay, the easier the transition. With first we stayed 10 days, but with second stayed 6 weeks. Babies that age don’t really have a lot of stuff. I’d advice a sturdy stroller that fits through doorways. the other thing that was a life saver was a car seat carrier that you wore like a backpack for carrying it through the airport. Its easier if you are nursing, and not schlepping too many bottles etc…

        Now traveling with an 17 month old and a 6 week old posed its own travel stress, but it wasn’t the baby, it was the toddler….lol.

      • DC Kolchitongi :

        That wasn’t for a baek-il, was it?

        We’ll have to take our (currently hypothetical) children to Seoul for their baek-il at 3 months and I always wondered just how that would work. I hadn’t even considered the time difference – yikes.

        • Nope, it was just a trip to meet family abroad (and there was a wedding involved, too!).

    • Yeah, as long as your baby doesn’t have colic (and most are over that by 2 months anyway) I’d rather go on a trip with a 3 month old than a 10 month old! 3 month olds are just coming out of that ‘bump on a log’ stage. Once they are mobile they are way harder to keep up with when travelling. I actually camped for 3 nights when my middle son was about 3 months old and it was easy – way, way easier than I thought it would be.

      I personally didn’t like leaving any of my babies before a year old – although my youngest did spend one night at Granny’s (with his older brothers) at around 10 months.

    • Infants go anywhere and honestly, they don’t need nearly as much gear as everyone makes you think. I wouldn’t hesitate to take my 3 month old to Italy if the alternative was to miss a family wedding. And I’d much rather take a 3 month old on that trip than an 10 or 11 month old (been there, done that, not fun). That said, if you can leave the baby with your parents, why not have a nice weekend in Italy with just your hubby? We left our oldest with my parents for a long weekend when he was 3 months old, it was such a nice break from dealing with an infant 24/7!

      • Diana Barry :

        Eh…I don’t leave them until I’m not nursing any more. YMMV.

      • LackingLuster :

        I agree with the first part– little babies are easier, you might not be sleeping much anyway. If you are nursing, and you leave the baby, you have to pump every three hours to protect your supply because the pump is not as efficient as the baby. Easier to take the baby if you are nursing.

    • a passion for fashion :

      I, alone, took my daughter at 3 months to visit my parents, which was a 4 hour flight. At around 5 months, we took her and my 3.5 y.o. son to jamaica, another 4 hour flight or so. as for the passport, you do it like any other, but kids passports only last 5 years. as for the seat, with my son, we started buying a seat at 6 months becasue he was super squirmy, but my daughter is really chill, so we did not buy her a seat until we had to at 2 y.o. And on our recent trip to mexico, she insisted on sitting on my lap the whole time or she was going to scream at the top of her lungs (a new trick for the 2 y.o. to get what she wants), which is obviously not OK on a plane — so on my lap she sat.

    • Divaliscious11 :

      Both of my babies flew to Europe at 6 weeks. the issue is getting a social security card so that you can apply for a passport, barring any health related complications.

    • Diana Barry :

      Hmm. I would say you want to wait until you are all healed up – 6 or 8 weeks after at least – but not when the baby is too big/wiggly (so before 4 months). When they are little, they sleep, eat, sleep, eat, etc., and they are pretty portable. When they get bigger/more wiggly, they are harder to tote around as much, and then you get into carrying toys with you, etc.

      I went to a wedding when my second was almost 4 months, and that was okay because I had my in-laws there to help with the kids – so I was actually able to go to the reception for a couple of hours without the baby! If you have the baby with you, I would make sure to have a good carrier that is comfy, so you can walk around, hang out, etc., without feeling like you are too much of a sherpa.

    • I took my first to a destination wedding at a resort in Mexico as a three-month old, so it can definitely be done. Passport isn’t a big issue as long as you plan ahead — we received the birth certificate a few weeks after birth, then immediately got passport pics & mailed away for the passport; I think we had the passport before baby was 6 weeks old. I do agree with the PP that the younger the baby, the easier the flight (but that may change with a long cross-Atlantic flight).

      If you’re thinking of leaving baby at home with your parents and you’re planning to [email protected], you’ll want to make sure you give yourself enough time to establish your supply and then pump enough milk for the baby during this time. You’ll also likely want to pump-and-dump while in Italy to maintain your supply.

      If I was in your shoes, I’d say that ideal timing with baby would be 3-6 mos. and without baby 6-12 mos.

    • Anne Shirley :

      I think the best answer is certainly not before X date, and you can’t guarantee attendance even then, because it will depend on how you and your baby feel.

      They want a wedding in Italy- that’s nice, but maybe that means you can’t go, and you should be open with them about that possibility.

    • Need to Improve :

      I took my son out of the country when he was 3 months old. It’s easy to get a passport–that’s not going to be an issue. They also have most vaccinations by then so you won’t be worried about things like catching whopping cough. I am more worried about the length of the trip for you. For example–if you are on the East Coast and flying direct to Rome, where the wedding will take place, I would say that’s pretty simple. If you are in California and have to fly to Rome through Minneapolis, then connect to a train to Tuscany or rent a car, that’s a long way and a lot of connections, and it will be tiring. You need to make the journey itself very simple.

      You do not need a seat for the baby because on international flights they hook a bassinet into the bulkhead for you.

      I agree that it’s way easier to travel with them when they are younger than 1, and I would say go for it as long as your brother makes it very easy for you and you do not have a ton of connections.

      It may end up being a hassle to leave the baby if you are nursing because you likely won’t have enough milk stored up to leave for a week and you will have to pump and dump on vacation. I would take the kid along.

      • saacnmama :

        I know someone who pumped and stored during a weeklong trip for work while her husband was home with the babe. She was so organized and on top of it all–brought along a cooler and ice packets to take it all back in, had a gazillion ounces all neatly squared away by the end of the conference.
        Then the airline lost her luggage. When it reached her a week later, the cooler was disgusting. They threw it out.

    • The 4 wks to 3 mo period is the easiest for traveling with a baby, although if you have a c-section you probably won’t want to be traveling until 8 wks. I personally would avoid the 9-14 mo period as traveling with a newly crawling/walking baby is frustrating.

      I don’t travel away from my babies until they are weaned (which is ~18 mo for me). Some parents are comfortable leaving their kids, but I am not. You won’t know which camp you are until you get there, so I wouldn’t plan on going without baby now.

      I fully agree with Anne Shirley’s suggestion to tell them you appreciate that they are considering your needs but that you can’t guarantee that you’ll be there until you have the baby and find out how you feel and the temperament of the baby.

    • I just went on trip to one of the poorest countries w my sister and 3 month old baby niece. Lots of stuff to lug around, but in terms of the baby – easy breezy (especially if you are breastfeeding).

    • I have another opinion as a bride who was asked to move her wedding date for her future SIL (although not because of an impending baby– and I didn’t mind that much anyway, it was early)… there might be tension on both ends with trying to make this work & the couple might be relieved to be let off the hook. When you are planning a wedding, you want everyone you love to come, but it’s kind of understandable when not everyone can. Just say, “I know this isn’t great timing, and we’d love to make it work, but I’m not sure the logistics do, please do not plan around me– make your plans & I’ll try to work around them if we can but, if we can’t, we’ll be there in spirit” and then send a VERY nice gift and a VERY thoughtful card (& try to send your husband as well)… As a bride, I’d be ok with that, especially if I were having a destination wedding.

    • Sugar Magnolia :

      So much of this depends on your recovery from childbirth and your baby’s temperament. You won’t know about either one until after you have the baby.

      I had a very hard labor (40 hours!) with complications, and had to go back at work when baby was 8 weeks old. I was still having problems sitting and walking at the time. Taking a trip to Italy would have been impossibly painful for me, having to lug strollers and carseats around when my doc ordered no lifting.

      Then again, if I had an easy birth, I may have been up for it at 2 weeks postpartum.

      You just don’t know.

      I think you should simply tell them, “I am a first-time mother, and we have no idea how labor, delivery or the baby (or my own) health will be following birth. If you schedule something and we can’t make it, I will be as upset as you might, but please plan your wedding like you want, and we will all hope for the best”

      • new york associate :

        I love this suggestion from Esquared and Sugar Magnolia. You really just don’t know how you’ll be. I had an easy labor, but a rough time establishing breast-feeding, and it took at least six weeks to get some confidence back.

        Having said that, if they are willing to move the wedding to October, I would feel much more confident planning to go. In September, I’d hedge. It might be great or it might not, and you can’t know that right now.

        • Also worth thinking about- are they ok with an infant coming to the wedding ceremony and reception? Even if the logistics of the trip work out, what are you going to do if the baby starts screaming in the middle of the vows? Will they be understanding about the possibility that might happen? Will it make you uncomfortable if something like that happens (totally understandable and out of your control) in front of your inlaws?

          I would remember that the logistics of international travel are slightly different than the logisticcs for an international wedding with an infant. I’d make sure everyone’s expectations for the wedding component are well established before even thinking about the travel component.

          There’s a chance the bride hasn’t even thought you + DH + baby in Italy = baby at her wedding. And it’s not like you’ll have some stranger watch the baby while you and DH and family celebrate all night, so will it be worth your while to only be there for ceremony and a little of reception?

    • I would go and bring the baby. Little babies are a breeze to travel with, especially if you’re nursing. You won’t even have to worry about food. You won’t have to entertain the baby and you can basically wear it as an accessory and enjoy Italy while you’re on maternity leave. Ah, did I mention I miss maternity leave and my babies when they were itty bitty ? :)

  3. If I didn’t know it was DvF, I would have sworn this was from Chico’s animal print collection. Not for me.

  4. Spent 5 1/2 hours in voir dire yesterday (on jury duty) with no lunch break. Just awful. I have to wonder if the attorneys realize how irritated the potential jurors are with them by the time that process is over – especially if they sermonize. I didn’t get chosen for the case (distribution of drugs) because of my SO’s law enforcement connection. When I was excused, they were going to the last 10 people to find an alternate. Those poor people – at least they had a lunch break.

    • In my court we always provide potential jurors with doughnuts. It’s something, at least . . .

    • SpaceMountain :

      I was picked for a jury last fall — as a litigator myself, I never thought it would happen, but they picked me. It was so fascinating to see the process as a juror. The most shocking part was the wild speculation by the jury. Many of them wanted to discount the evidence in favor of their own personal experiences. It was crazy, and took us forever to reach a verdict.

    • Blonde Lawyer :

      That is why I prefer courts that do written questionnaires in the first instance. If I am going to get axed for something like being a lawyer or law enforcement experience I’d rather it happen before I change my schedule and show up. The more difficult things, like bias can be tweaked out in formal voir dire.

      • Sometimes those questionaires are a little long and off topic. I went in a month or so ago and the questionaire was like an e-harmony profile (I assume. I have never done e-harmony). What magazines do you subscribe to? What are your favorite TV shows? What cities have you lived in… EVER?

    • LackingLuster :

      I did a mock trial course with “real people” for jurors and we got to watch them speculate. They said, “well, we’re not really sure that the plaintiff proved the case, but we feel bad for her so we’re going to give her half of what she asked for.” Totally eye opening. They didn’t get the “preponderance of the evidence” standard at all.

      • Oh geez, not surprising but this kind of thing makes me so sad/angry.

      • Well, it was interesting. They made each prospective juror explain, in their own words what “reasonable doubt” means to them in this context. At that point in the day, I was so tired and hungry, I’m not sure I was all that eloquent, but I do understand it!

      • We did a mock trial at a professional trial consulting company for a very big, multi-party case a few years ago, and watched four groups of jurors deliberate behind two way mirrors. Each group was comprised of a cross section of opinions, intentionally creating diverse groups to prompt more debate. Watching them deliberate was definitely the most disturbing and disheartening and yet fascinating experience of my legal career. They did. not. care. about legal burdens or standards. They really liked one of the attorneys for one party, so they decided to believe anything he said, and really didn’t like another of the attorneys for another party, so they decided to discount or disbelieve anything she said. Others said something along the lines of “I hate corporate america, so whatever side is against corporate america is the side I’m on.” Each room had one or two people who actually understood the case and burdens, and the saddest part might have been watching them try to explain to everyone else in their groups. Even after great, patient explanations, most of the jurors would go “Meh. I still hate corporate america. Whatever the law is, screw them.” The other interesting thing was a few of the jurors we had thought were sure to vote against us based on their demeanor in the court room were 100% behind us, hell or high water, in the jury room. They were annoyed and sighing in court because they’d already made up their mind to side with us and resented having to sit through the rest of the evidence.

        *facepalm* to our jury system.

        • Ooops, I meant one-way mirrors ;).

        • Diana Barry :

          Oh dear. That means that I’m going to be the Explainer if I’m ever picked for a jury. :-0

        • Ugh. In my trial advocacy class in law school, we had high schoolers come in to be our juries for our “exam” (i.e., a short mock trial). We talked to them afterward and they were totally on top of all the concepts. It was a pretty basic personal injury fact pattern, but they were able to explain preponderance of the evidence (even if they had trouble pronouncing it) and were really thoughtful. Scary that 15 year olds seem better at this than grown ups.

    • I was pretty excited when I had jury duty a few years ago. Afterward, I was somewhat disillusioned with the process after a number of members insisted there was not enough evidence (the police should have done more fingerprinting and DNA tests, why didn’t they find the actual gun, etc.). Nevermind that this was a fairly small scale case, not a huge murder investigation…

      That said, I try to remind myself for all its flaws, the concept of a jury of peers is probably one of those “best we can do” situations. Or at least, the best I can think of :)

      • new york associate :

        It’s the CSI Effect :) Apparently criminal juries have extremely high expectations of what forensic evidence can and should show, based largely on repeated viewings of CSI. And this in a country where there are thousands of unprocessed rape kits sitting in warehouses for lack of resources to get them resolved.

      • Yup, CSI effect, although research suggests that even though people who watch the shows might demand more evidence, it doesn’t impact their conviction rates.

  5. I posted this late yesterday but didn’t get any responses so I’m trying again –

    Do any of you have a Chromebook? Are they any good for gaming? What about word processing?

    My son plays Minecraft online vs his friends and I’d like to boot him off our shared home computer. It would be nice if he could also use the thing to do school papers (essays and the like)

    Thanks in advance!

    • I’d check out Cnet for reviews – but I’ve heard they’re basically useless without an internet connection and really only have Google open docs for software options. Which might be fine for a high school student, but I don’t know about the Minecraft situation.

      Also, a quick google search (keywords: Minecraft Chromebook reviews) seems to suggest that Minecraft requires Java to be installed on the computer, and that isn’t something that’s supported by Chromebook (since CB is all Google products, and Java is not a Google product). So, it’s likely Minecraft won’t operate on CB.

    • SpaceMountain :

      My son plays minecraft on my Kindle. He seems happy enough with it, although I guess it doesn’t have all the features.

    • SoCal Gator :

      Review of Chromebook by Endgadget:


    • thanks all!

  6. Pretty print!

    Hair jack: any advice for going from brown (dyed over previous blond colour) back to blond highlights? I’ve done it once before and I know there are different methods of doing it (e.g., strip the brown, colour over top the brown, etc.). I’m having it done at a salon of course, but would appreciate any stories/tips (other than to use conditioning treatment like it’s going out of style).

    • I’ve found that argan oil, even in a blend, has been a panacea for my overtreated hair. I spray it on every day and brush through. That’s it.

  7. Here’s a random question: What do you say to a guy right after you kiss for the first time? I always want to say something cute, but I can never think of anything and then it’s awkward.

    • This is really embarrassing (hence the anon) but I have noticed I tend to say this sort of breathy ‘hi’ with a smile.

      Once I said, “Well hi there, sailor” while drunk. I still cringe to remember that.

      • momentsofabsurdity :

        Also, Life After College.

        • momentsofabsurdity :

          Oops – meant to be in reply to Book Rec below!

          • Who is the author? There are 2 books with this title on Goodreads…..

          • momentsofabsurdity :

            Jenny Blake —


      • I think that sounds adorable. Breath-y ‘hi’ seems to be the way to go.

      • Yes, I totally do the hi/smile thing too. I can never decide if it sounds cute or dumb (I think there’s a fine line there).

      • Anonymouse :

        I usually say, “The money is on the dresser”

        Sorry, couldn’t resist a little humor.

        • Once had a guy say ‘I wish I hadn’t had the garlic fries’ before he kissed me. At that moment, he just said what was on his mind!

    • I think it depends? If it’s a goodnight kiss before one of you leaves, I’d just say goodnight and leave it at that. But to be perfectly honest, after a really good first kiss, I’ve been left speechless (which doesn’t happen very often). I don’t think I could remember something cute to say in that situation

    • This time just C :

      With the guy I’m currently dating, I apparently said “oh, we’re going to have a lot of fun.” He still teases me about it (although he hasn’t disagreed with the statement…).

    • Whatever comes to mind. With my current paramour it was something giggly about being drunk (oops).

      • I think last I said, “we are going to regret this”… 5 years later, we are going strong & about to get married– I’ve never been so happy to be wrong in my life.

  8. Can anyone recommend a good book regarding how to act professionally / set your career on the right path? A family friend, fresh out of college, has been having a difficult time in her workplace. It sounds to me like she can be a bit over-sensitive to criticism, gets easily stressed out during busy times, and tends to treat her bosses more like friends (in part because they are close in age). I think advice from a book might be more well received than any from me. TIA!

    • Or maybe you can direct her to this site ?

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      They Don’t Teach Corporate in College is a pretty good book. Also, as recommended here all the time, The Defining Decade should be a must-read for 20somethings.

    • I really like “Great on the Job.” I give it to my new hires that are new to the working world.

  9. Shopping help needed – I have been looking for basic long sleeve tops to wear under open cardigans and unbuttoned casual jackets (and swackets). I need something heavy enough to cover lumps and bumps and to hang well but not so heavy its like wearing a sweater over a sweater. You wouldn’t think this would be so hard to find!

    I have some Boden tops that are too low cut (would rather not have to wear a cami), Ann Taylor and Lands End that are too flimsy, JCrew Tippi is too thick, Amber Sun (from Nordstrom) is the right weight but too casual and I hate the 3/4 sleeves when layering. Is there anything else out there I am missing?

    • SoCal Gator :

      Lands End has great modal long sleeve tee shirts. I have a bunch and they are on sale right now for 30% off with a sale code.

      Women’s Regular Long Sleeve Fitted Lightweight Cotton Modal Crew T-shirt


    • Diana Barry :

      J Crew LS perfect T-shirts are good. BR sometimes has nice modal t-shirts, but those are thinner.

      • YMMV, but I hate the fabric Jcrew uses for the Perfect fit t-shirts. It’s a fine knit, but it’s on the stiff side. It might work for what you want, but I’m not a fan. Personally, I like the Painter Tee series, but it can read a little casual – more of a slubby cotton, but relatively thick (compared to the vintage cotton tees, which are my other fave).

    • Talbots has some pima cotton 3/4 boatneck shirts which layer beautifully. I like their color selection. They are thin, but they are cut a bit more generously, so bumps are not an issue. I think they come in LS too, but I tend to layer cardis with the 3/4 sleeve ones, bc I often push my sleeves up.

      • Mighty Mouse :

        I got a few of these on sale. Very pretty—but wash in cold and hang to dry. More than 1″ shrinkage at the hem! Shrinkage!

  10. How do you delegate work to someone with the same title as you without seeming like I’m bossy? I’m more senior but we have the same title. I’ve been taking on a lot more work because this other person makes frequent mistakes and takes a long time to complete work while she’s chit chatting all day long. I’m allowed to delegate but I’m sure this person will feel like I’m in no position to tell her what up do.

    • Here are few thoughts, just off the top of my head…

      1. If you think she is unaware that you are allowed to delegate, find a way to incorporate that info into your requests (“I was talking with Supervisor and she suggested that I ask you to handle Task so that we can get Project completed on time.”)

      2. If there is a chance she will interpret your delegating as you dumping your work on her, let her know what you’re working on (“I’ve got my hands full with Task and Client Meeting; can you please handle Other Stuff so that we can get Project completed on time?”)

    • Coming from the same position, I set up a weekly meeting with the two of us and our supervisor. In that meeting, in front of our boss, I’ll ask my counterpart to take over some tasks.

    • If it’s something that a more senior person gave you to do, I would suggest letting Senior Person know you want your same level person to take over whatever work you want to delegate, get Senior Person’s ok, and then let same level person know that Senior Person has ok’d them to do this work.

    • My general tactic with specific projects is “Can you help me with something? ” or “Can you help me with xy project? I’m swamped and the deadline is approaching.” Then it feels like the person is being helpful, not told what to do.

  11. Do you have a system for your work passwords? I’m required to have a 10 digit password that contains 3 of – lower case letter, upper case letter, number, punctuation and I must change it at least every 6 months. I need a system. What do you guys do?

    • The date of the password change works well for me – something like ‘Feb26,2013.’ would work and looks innocent enough if noted down in a calendar/ diary.

      • phillygirlruns :

        god, that’s brilliant and i don’t know why i never thought of it.

    • (former) Clueless Summer :

      I keep the same 10 digit password and change one character each time. So if my password was [email protected] the next time it would be [email protected] and then [email protected] and then [email protected] and so on until [email protected] and then I would change the number and go through again. This would be best if you didn’t actually use a word that might be guessable – others can weigh in on the security of this but it works very well for me.

      • Same principle but I change one of the characters sequentially using the special characters on the number keys, i.e. !, @ and so forth. So each time I change the pwd, I advance to the next number/character. This also helps with the requirement not to repeat the password for the set number of changes.

      • This is what I do as well.

      • I do something similar, but I just change the last number, so instead of [email protected], it would be [email protected] the next time and so on.

    • I have a theme, so it might be something like RedStrawberry123!, then YellowBanana123!, PurpleGrape123!, etc.

    • Ours changes every 3 months, I think, and has similar security requirements, and you can’t re-use them within a certain period of time. After I ran out of family names I started just grabbing random inspiration from things on my desk or TV I’m watching. I figure they don’t need to make much sense as long as I can remember them. I’ll switch in 1 for I, 3 for E, 0 for O, add exclamation marks at the end, that kind of thing. If I can remember the word combination, I’ll remember the switch-out numbers/punctuation marks. I keep the password on a post-it at my desk for the first week though.

      • I go with something that’s p!ssing me off at the time I need to come up with a new password, and convert it into an acronym with numbers and symbols. I don’t know what it says about me that I remember things that bug me much more easily than happy things.

        Working in the federal government, I haven’t had a problem with coming up with a new password lately, using this system.

    • I’ve been meaning to create such a system and while I’m not using it yet, here’s what I’m thinking. If you have a bookshelf in your office, choose the first book on the shelf and use some combination of author’s name, ISBN#, and your favorite punctuation (OR, the punctuation mark that is co-located on the keyboard with certain numbers; eg, if the first 3 digits of the ISBN are 123, then you would use [email protected]# ). Each time you change the password, use the next book on the shelf and maybe stick a black postit on that book so you know which one it is.

      So for example (because I find this fun and I don’t have a lot of work right now), a book on my shelf right now is Bankruptcy Basics by John Rao and Tara Twomey published in 2007. A password created from this book could be [email protected]))&.

    • I have to change mine every 3 months, so I think about what I will be doing 3 months from that date. It’s lame but it makes me look forward to the date. Some recent changes

      h0lidays (that’s a zero for the “o”)


      • hoola hoopa :

        I do the same!

        I have frequently changing passwords for several different systems, each with their own requirements. I do holiday/seasons with one, animals with another, six-letter words that start with the same letter for another, etc. I do a lot of substitutions of 1 or ! for I, zero for o, * for e, & for and, etc, so that I only have one ‘word’ or phrase.

    • Lines from a poem would be good with a 1 at the end. The length of the password is very important in terms of crackability, so once you get into 15 or so characters it is pretty much impossible to crack using brute force. I use titles of books, etc.

      • I’ve done lines from easy-to remember songs, using the swap numbers or symbols for some letters. The nice thing about this method is that when I have to change again, I can move to the next line of the song.

        So, for example:

        “Oh beautiful, for spacious skies”

        And next time around, I can do amber waves of grain.

        Also, I have between 6-8 major passwords that need to be changed regularly, but on different schedules. I know you’re not supposed to use the same password across multiple logins, but what else can I do? They’re often different, just based on timing. What do you all do?

        • I use the same password for 2 [major systems] and change on the same day. In most cases you can self-initiate password change, not wait till the system tells you to do it.

    • The stock ticker and c/m number that I’m billing the most to at the time I have to change my password.

    • SV in House :

      I use airport codes for places/times. So, if I went from New York to Paris in 2013, it would be JFKcdg13.

    • I use my next trip and the month – like LosAngeles213, and I sub out a couple of letters – @=a, !=i, #=e, 0=o, etc. It makes me happy to think of travel when I’m logging in at work!

    • lucy stone :

      I have to do this on a work system every 90 days so I take a meaningful word and date and string them together with a punctuation mark on the end – like if you have a cat and his birthday is 1/23/2013, the password would c1a23t13?.

  12. They Don’t Teach Corporate in College: http://www.amazon.com/They-Teach-Corporate-College-Twenty-Somethings/dp/1601630581

  13. I’ve been wondering why my new coworker (started four months ago) hasn’t been submitting his work product to me for review, as he’s been instructed by our manager. When I do get his work product, he ignores half of my edits. We finally sat down to discuss a report I’m supposed to review, and he makes a comment about sending me his first draft so I “can put make up on it.”

    I want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he doesn’t have issues with women reviewing his work, etc., and maybe he’s just socially inept…but I”m not sure what to do. He laughed a his joke, I didn’t. I gave him instructions for the next step of the project and ended the discussion.

    • I am a direct person so take this with a grain of salt, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying, “Do you have an issue with me reviewing your work?”

      If he says yes, then I’d remind him that your manager instructed him to do so.

      But chances are, he’ll deny it and then behave better in the future.

    • His reasons are less important than his actions, which are unprofessional, dismissive, and unacceptable.

      Call him on it as Mamabear recommends. Document. Then he can’t say he didn’t know what was expected of it. The next time he does this again, haul him in and point out that he knows what was expected of him, and he now needs to explain why he didn’t do what was required and expected of him.

      Let your manager know. If things don’t shape up, start preparing how you will have him fired for insubordination. And if you are thinking this is harsh, just know that if he were your boss, he’d have done this to you already if you’d behaved even 10% as obnoxiously as he has to you. One way for women managers to get respect is that when people cross them, to crack skulls. Lying down and taking it does nothing to get the results the organization needs, and certainly does nothing for your credibility in the organization.

      • hellskitchen :

        “One way for women managers to get respect is that when people cross them, to crack skulls. Lying down and taking it does nothing to get the results the organization needs, and certainly does nothing for your credibility in the organization.”


    • Need to Improve :

      UNACCEPTABLE. You should let him know. I would tell him in person that his comment was inappropriate, but you also can send him an email so you have documented the interaction. I also would tell him tht if it happens again you will raise with management. He can’t treat you this way.

  14. Does anyone have experience with large gauge earrings? My fiancee’s sister got large gauge earrings a few years ago, and, to my knowledge, has never changed them out. I am starting to look at gifts for my b’maids and was thinking about earrings and bracelets, but I am not sure a) if she would even want to swap her current earrings out, b) it that’s possible, or c) where to find dressier large gauge earrings. Any help?

    • momentsofabsurdity :

      I think she will probably not be able to wear “regular” earrings, depending on how large the gauge is. You can get dressy gauge earrings on etsy though!

    • I had gauge earrings as a teenager. I took mine out more than 10 years ago, and my piercing holes have since shrunk, but there are still some studs I cannot wear because the posts are too small and they will fall out. Whether she can wear regular earrings depends on how large her piercing holes are. Studs are most likely out, but she may be able to wear chandelier or french hook earrings. If she’s unwilling to swap, check out Etsy. I’m sure you could find some dressier gauge earrings there.

    • Etsy it is. To clarify, I was assuming that she would need to continue wearing large gauge earrings, but since I’ve only ever seen her wear those particular pair, I wasn’t sure she could change them at all.


      • You should also find out what size she wears to make sure she can easily swap them out (and since it sounds like she’s content at the size she’s currently stretched to)

    • Another possibility — I had large gauge earrings in college and would sometimes wear regular post earrings by putting them through the hole in a pair of metal tunnel gauge earrings. My gauge earrings were smallish, so the finding on the back of the post was big enough to keep the earring in place. If you do go with something off of Etsy, make sure they’re made of materials that are actually meant for earrings — I’m a bit suspicious of the “crafty” ones made with polymer clay and the like.

  15. I think there are some ladies on here who don’t wear skinny jeans. I can’t wear them. My thighs and hips are much wider than my knees and calves and I feel like an ice cream cone.

    If you have this figure type, what do you wear for casual clothes? Non-work, weekend looks. I’m looking, for something a little more comfy than my current look of denim pencil, cardi/hoodie and tee. Basically I’m just sick of pulling on tights. :)

    • Kontraktor :

      I’m really liking heavy ponte leggings and loose silk button downs/tunics lately.

    • I would go for wide leg jeans. Harder to find now since they’re not trendy but I love them and think they’re classic.

      • Old Navy’s trouser jeans are actually wide leg jeans and really cheap/hold up really well. They run easily a size, size and a half smaller than other Old Navy jeans

    • what about a straight-leg jean? something like the gap 1969 destructed “real straight” jean (link to follow). roll up the cuff, it’d look super cute going into spring/summer.

      • http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=48597&vid=1&pid=249233002

      • Agree on straight leg rec., but avoid the Gap ones. I was on a search for straight leg jeans last year and bought the Gap ones and they’re awful. Lose their shape 2 hours after you put them on. They also wrinkle like crazy. Never thought I would have that problem with jeans before but Gap made it happen.
        I think a slight (more modern) boot cut could also work.

      • I would love to wear rolled up straight jeans though I’m not sure I can go quite as casual as the “destructed” look. Has anyone found darker wash straight legs with a higher rise? It seems like everything I’ve tried on has so much spandex they end up looking like skinny jeans rather than straight.

        • Lucky and Talbot’s

        • i just bought some JAG jeans from nordstrom (don’t know style off the top of my head) that are high rise straight leg, no spandex. i also recommend the limited ones, although they are spandex as you say. but i find that the wash and cut makes them look good anyway even on my pear body.

        • Kut from the Kloth are good. They make a straight leg mid-rise, which I like. I also like their skinny jean, the “Diana” style, and I hate most other skinny jeans, these just seem to be more flattering.

        • lawsuited :

          Try NYDJ?

      • I’ve got a funky shape to put in jeans, skinny doesn’t work for me (I’ve got such a flat behind that I make skinny jeans look baggy!) but 1969 jeans are great for me.
        I haven’t noticed if they wrinkle, though there is a pair of my bedroom floor right now (oops) so I’m going to check on that when I get home!

      • Straight leg jeans could work, also tried those by Gap and yes, they do lose the shape fast. Experiment with other brands.

    • What about jersey (or other casual fabric) maxi skirts?

      I don’t have this body type, but I think a nice maxi skirt would be adorable with a casual top.

      • Sugar Magnolia :

        I have found that maxi skirts tend to make someone with big hips look too wide. *says the person with big hips*

    • I also have pretty big hips, although my calves are also pretty thick from sports. I cannot do the skinny jean trend at all. I do straight leg jeans, which on me are basically tight like skinny jeans on my thighs and then straight down. I like the straight line it makes and I feel like it’s less casual and “childish” looking than boot leg. I would try a bunch of different brands and cuts though. I went through a ton of “straight leg” jeans that were still skinny cut. The ones that work for me are Rag and Bone heritage line – straight cut or cigarette cut. Unfortunately they only come in one color, but they fit perfectly.

    • I have this body type, but I am supremely lazy with my casual wear. In the winter I almost always wear boot cut jeans with sneakers or boots and some kind of top and cardigan/jacket. I find that I can wear skinny jeans tucked into boots, and the boots help even things out so I look less like an ice cream cone, but I find skinny jeans really uncomfortable so I rarely wear them.

      In the summer, I do lots of jersey skirts with sandals and the same upper half as in winter (air conditioning, I hates it…) or else sundresses. I found some really nice high quality ones at JC Penny last year and half been kicking myself for only buying one. If they have them again this summer I’m going to buy several.

    • I can’t wear skinnies either and stick with straight-leg or slim bootcut jeans that have some spandex for comfort. I like Jag Jeans a lot – regular, not the pull-on kind.
      On the feet, Softwalk Denver clogs that add some height but are comfortable.

    • Honestly, I think skinny jeans are unflattering on almost all women. Yes, definitely way worse on some (I’m pear shaped and wouldn’t wear skinny jeans in a million years). But lots of times you see models and celebs wearing them and while they don’t look actually bad in them, they’d look better in something else. Anyway, I think people should worry less about what’s trendy and more about what looks good on you. Boot cut jeans look best on my body-type, so that’s what I wear (I like the Gap curvy boot cut). With low-heeled ankle boots you look put together even if you’re just wearing a nice long-sleeved t-shirt, and perfectly comfy.

      • Anonymous :

        Nope. They’re flattering on me. I’m thin with slight hips and a small waist.

        • You are who skinny jeans are made for. Also, my 12 year old daughter, who is built the same way. The rest of us Have Issues. It’s a trend I can’t wait to say goodbye to, though I recall someone commenting that women have spent way, way too much on boots for skinny jeans to ever die away.

        • Anonymous :

          Well thank goodness you weighed in. So good to know they work for you.

      • 100% agreement. They’re EVERYWHERE. There are some fashion bloggers who I love, but on days they wear their jeggings or skinny jeans, I just sigh. They are flattering on about 4% of the population, but I see more and more people wearing them all time. Give me boot cuts or give me death.

      • fashionista :

        I actually think the are flattering on many women, but it all depends on how you wear them. They are particularly flattering with a pair of riding boots, but can also look great with a pair of ballet flats as long as the length is proper.

        I think they are flattering on me, or i wouldnt wear them, and I am not super skinny, by any means

    • I have this body type. I either wear straight leg jeans, boot cut jeans, or (if I’m going REALLY casual) a pear of fleece lined athletic-yoga type pants, with my tee and cardi/hoodie.

      I kind of wish I could wear leggings/jeggings, and I probably could with a tunic, but since I have zero tunics in my wardrobe right now I don’t really want to go buy an new legging/jegging/tunic wardrobe right now.

    • hoola hoopa :

      I have that figure and wear skinnies with boots. No boots is a disaster, but the boots balance out the look. I also still rock my boot cut jeans and cords. With spring on the horizon (you’re in CA, right?), I’m looking forward to skimmers and cropped pants, which are usually flattering on me. I also wear a lot of jersey skirts in the summer.

      • You don’t have the same issue in skimmers? I have been trying to find a pair of cropped pants that hit my leg in a flattering place (for me, a few inches below the knee, not at the midpoint of my calf) and have been had trouble finding any that don’t taper as much as skinny jeans do.

        Perhaps I’ve watched too much What Not To Wear but I’m cautious about cropped pants looking matronly and frumpy. For instance, my mom LOVES them. :)

        • hoola hoopa :

          I admittedly have to try on a lot of pairs to find the right one, but once I do it’s completely worth it. I have found that the most flattering for me flare a bit at the cuff, so that the cuff isn’t touching my skin, and hit between just below the widest part of my calf and about 3″ above my ankle bone. I have been hoarding an old pair that have a split cuff (straight leg, but the split cuff creates a slight but sufficient flare), but I’ve had success with the new skimmer trend by folding up the cuff about two inches. That probably breaks the current style rules, but I’d rather be wearing a flattering pair of pants.

          Try with different shoes, too.

          As for length, this may be helpful: http://www.aintnomomjeans.com/2012/06/all-about-crops-capris-and-pedal-pushers.html She has the opposite of my figure, but it’s nice to have the length-check to avoid looking like a grandma. I know I’ve seen similar things, but I can’t find them now.

    • I love Levis’ bold curve skinny boot jeans in a dark wash. They’re fitted from hip to mid-calf, but then flare out a little. It balances out my curvy hip-ass area so I don’t look like a poster bodoni exclamation point. And they’re easy to dress up or down.

  16. NOT Ellen! :

    But an Ellen-ish problem. I’m in my 40s, could’ve figured this out when I was young and good-looking, but right now it’s throwing me for a loop. I feel silly asking this, but it’s for real.
    I just added my child onto my insurance. The agent was flirtatious, and insisted that it was OK to say that kiddo has never had depression, anxiety, or the like, because we’ve never gotten a diagnosis, even though there have been behavior problems at school and a year with a psychologist. I emailed asking if he was sure that was OK, but he called back. I let it go to VM, but he’s clearly not going to write anything.
    Do I want to speak with a different agent?

    • I have filled out many insurance applications recently and I am terrified of insurance fraud. I would feel queasy not disclosing the year with the psychologist as that is treatment by a medical professional. Personally, I would ask to speak to a different agent.

      • NOT Ellen! :

        It was just a yes/no, without a place to explain. Technically, there is a reason to answer “no”, because there is no diagnosis. Agent just emailed saying that underwriters will research and pull up any red flags now. I’ve also heard that since ACA, kids are not subject to rescission. I just hope I can’t be cut for something about him.

        • Gotcha. Yeah I have no experience with adding children, so I am probably not the best resource. I have been denied repeatedly for a pre-existing condition that was a result of an accident, so I am incredibly frustrated. That said, I still am super anxious about being totally honest!

          Good luck!

      • NOT Ellen! :

        Another reply from ins agent–if they find something, they’ll rate child’s plan up. Sounds FINE to me.

  17. So… my colleague who sits very close to me received a lovely bouquet of flowers for Valentine’s Day, and displayed them on her desk.

    One problem- they’re now dead. And very smelly. And still on her desk.

    How might I hint that it’s time to let go of the flowers and relieve the office of the stink?

  18. Just wanted to thank everyone for their advice on interior decorating in yesterday’s morning thread. I didn’t get to check out all of the suggestions until late last night, but they were incredibly helpful when I did!

  19. When my husband and I were dating, I broke up with him at one point. The reasons were a mix of valid (I worried our viewpoints on some major issues weren’t aligned) and less valid (I had poor role models for relationships growing up and had serious commitment issues). At the time, I told him that I just didn’t think we were the right fit for each other, that if we were thinking of marriage (and we were at this point, which was one of the reasons I was freaking out) that I wasn’t sure that intangible whatever was really there. I also pointed out the areas where we didn’t agree (or I thought we didn’t). I had expected him to react angrily, but instead he just dove in and told me he loved me and if he thought begging would make me stay, he’d do it but that he knew that I wasn’t the sort of person who’d be swayed by begging so he was just going to tell me that I was a wonderful person and he was grateful for the time we’d had together. He also asked if he could respond to the other points I’d made, which he then did thoughtfully and rationally. We spent almost two hours talking and at the end, we weren’t broken up anymore. I was so overcome by how loving, thoughtful, and patient he was and when I look back, I still feel so overawed by the fact that this incredible man loves me and chose me of all people to be his wife. Two months after all this, we were engaged. We’ve now been married just under three years and the problem is that this issue still comes up from time to time. He worries that I don’t love him as much as he loves me, and this results in him sometimes feeling like I’m taking him for granted, or that I’m being selfish, or any number of little insecurities. I’ve asked him how I can reassure him that I love him. He says he knows I love him, and intellectually he knows that I love him as much as he loves me (to the extent that love can be quantified like that) but he still feels like he was completely exposed and vulnerable and I’ve never been in that position in our relationship. I think it’s probably true that he just wears his heart on his sleeve more than I do. I can be a little guarded emotionally (really try not to be, and I’m better than I was when I was younger). I’m just frustrated that this keeps coming up, especially since it clearly causes my husband pain. Is there anything I can do? Or is this just something that has to heal over time? Overall, our relationship is great, it’s just that this comes up maybe every two months or so and I wish I could make it better.

    • So this situation sounds really familiar to what I just went through with my SO (or ex-SO I guess). We are planning on speaking later this week so there’s a chance he just freaked out and we may get back together. BUT if we do, I can see a similar situation developing where I would feel similar to your husband.

      So what would work for me would be ways to demonstrate that you really love me. Are you someone who generally does big gestures? If not, something like that would help. You said you’re guarded emotionally so maybe letting your guard down would show your husband that you trust him and love him enough to be emotionally vulnerable. It will likely take time to for him to heal completely but I think you need to go out of your way to show him love – in a way that he will understand and appreciate.

    • Did you get pre marital counseling? Because some post marital couples therapy based around a pre marital counseling model might work really well. He will get to know you better and understand why you are more guarded and you can get to know how better to be appreciative and vulnerable.

    • I recommend the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It’s a little God-focused but I think it’s easy to ignore if that’s not your cup of tea. The main point is that there are 5 different ways of expressing love and most couples don’t express it the same way. My husband and I have very different love languages so I have to remember to show him I love him in a way that matters to him to avoid him becoming insecure.

    • Senior Attorney :

      I wonder whether a few sessions with a counselor might be beneficial for this. It sounds like he needs to hear something from you that you feel, but haven’t been able to convey in a way that gets all the way through to him. And that’s the kind of thing a good counselor might be able to help you with.

    • My partner and I have this to a certain extent, too–we had a rather long courtship (that’s what I call it) in which he was very much the pursuer, and his romantic history is such that he’s had a lot more anxiety about his worth and attractiveness and such. (Though he is plenty worthy and attractive! Just less freakishly self-confident than I am, I guess.)

      I’ll be interested to hear other people’s responses, as it’s definitely something that I am aware of and struggle with. I haven’t read “The 5 Love Languages”, but I’ve seen it recommended enough that I’m trying to internalize the basic premise–I try to identify the ways in which my partner shows love as they differ from my own inclinations and then make a conscious effort to meet him on his own terms.

      I also try to be mindful of my own personality traits that may exacerbate the situation. You are hopefully less snarky than I am, but for me, I’ve realized that my particular brand of sarcasm can sometimes catch my partner in a chink in his armor. Because I’m aware that he already feels vulnerable about his feelings for me, I try to make sure that I’m not making any off-hand comments that will strike him in an especially tender spot and suddenly cause all the anxiety to flare up again.

    • Wait, to clarify: You had a 2ish-hour conversation that started with you saying, “I want to break up for XYZ reasons” and then changing your mind after a 2-hr conversation in which he responded to your points? I wouldn’t even call that a break up. And I think it’s really weird that your husband, three years after the fact, brings it up every few months. You had doubts, thought breaking up was the solution, but after a two-hour conversation (quick fix btw!) decided breaking up was not the solution. I don’t understand why this is a big deal. I think it’s weird that your H keeps bringing it up.

  20. I have a random question — how often does Ann Taylor have a store-wide sale? Not the type where they take a few items and put them on sale, but where the whole store is 30% (or more) off? I have a ton of giftcards that I’ve been waiting to use for suit purchases since Christmas, but no luck yet. Thanks in advance!

    • …and I just saw that the entire store is 30% off today …

    • Lately it’s been about 1x a month– seriously, don’t buy anything full price there!

    • darjeeling :

      agree, don’t buy anything full price, and if you get on their email list they frequently have 12 hour sales with an additional 40-60% off all sale items, leading to some really low prices on a large selection (and unlike JCrew this doesn’t cause everything to be final sale).

  21. Do any NYC ladies have recommendations for somebody who can teach me how to do various hairstyles? I’m looking for an in-person tutorial. I am inept at doing my hair but it would be nice to learn how to create certain looks, and I don’t quite pick up the nuance of online instructions.

  22. Architect :

    Nordstrom Beauty Stylist. With all the talk about Nordies stylists, I found out that they have people who do fashion and those who do cosmetics. I needed a tinted moisturizer and some lipsticks. So, I called and made an appoinment. I went last night. I really liked the service. The beauty stylist is not tied to any brand. I ended up buying three items all from different brands. She really took time to listen and asked a ton of questions. I am really happy with the products I purchased and would go again.

    • hoola hoopa :

      Shut the front door! Thanks for the tip.

    • LackingLuster :

      Really? I love my Nordie’s personal stylist but have never heard of this! Going to check into it stat.

    • Senior Attorney :

      Holy moly, really? I had no idea! Thanks for the heads up!

    • Snarkster :

      That’s awesome! I love Nordstrom.

    • Oh wow! Terrific! I’d been thinking I needed some new make-up but hate getting tied to just one brand (the way it usually is when you go to the make-up counter). Definitely going to look into this!

    • Seriously, I cannot wait for the day that Nordie’s opens up shop in my city. Counting down (currently about 18 months away). I will be In.Line for all that personal stylist business.

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