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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 141 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Labradorite Lapis Ring

Coffee Break

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Didi Jewellery Labradorite Lapis Ring One of my favorite “fun” stones is labradorite, and it seems to be having a moment right now. If you're not familiar with it, it can be a bit like a gray moonstone, with some rainbows hidden in it, as well as a few sparkles. This ring — with what looks like an absolutely gorgeous lapis specimen right next to it — looks gorgeous. I think it's subdued enough to wear to work with an otherwise muted outfit, but I think it would be great for a cocktail party (make sure you put it on the hand holding the drink). The ring is $193 at Max & Chloe. Didi Jewellery Labradorite Lapis Ring (L-2)

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Comments

  1. When in Consulting

    Something somewhat embarrassing happened to me today, and I am wondering what the women of the hive think. I am a consultant and travel weekly for work. I had been feeling a bit under the weather since Thursday, so I took it easy for the weekend and assumed it was just a flu or something.

    Back on project site, cross country from home, I am running a 101 fever and feel completely terrible Monday and Tuesday, so I tell my bosses Tuesday morning that I am going to the doctor and may not be in that day. My team set up is someone directly above me (Lets say boss) and someone directly above them (lets say senior boss). I get to the urgent care the hotel recommended which is more of an EC and they start me on IV fluids and pain killers. I let the bosses know, and Senior Boss sends Boss to the EC I am at to sit with me and help me get whatever I need after (and hear all about my what turns out to be embarrassing infections that have gotten out of control and led to all this feverish flu-like symptoms). While this all seems nice and helpful, I feel really embarrassed that I apparently let a UTI and Ear Infection get so out of control that I was fevering and could barely walk and I just feel really awkward and terrible. I also feel like I should probably write boss some sort of a thank you note or buy her a coffee next week for helping me get my prescriptions and things, but I’m generally just mortified… Maybe I’m just posting to see if others have dealt with something similar.

    • TBK

      Congratulations, you’re a human being. Traveling and being on site means you have no support network or family besides the team you’re traveling with. If you weren’t on travel, you’d have gone home and your SO/roommate/friend/neighbor would have helped you get medicines, etc. But you’re on travel and you got a very human sickness. You can’t control whether you get sick. Your bosses sound really nice and considerate. I think a thank you and a coffee would be a nice touch, but I wouldn’t worry about it.

      • n.

        Totally agreed, and this kind of stuff happens to everyone. I had to take my boss to the emergency room while we were traveling because he tripped on uneven pavement and whacked his head on a railing, and I’m sure he was mortified to have his postdoc see him him all bloody and checking in later to make sure he didn’t have a concussion. It sucks to be vulnerable and need help when your support network is far away, but it’s in no way your fault and it’s good that you had someone around to help you!

        • hoola hoopa

          Completely agree. It’s part of life. I had an entry-level coworker need emergency care after doing a stupid stunt on his bicycle; the CEO happened to be right there and transported him to the ER. I had another coworker pass out and collapse at work when she was still new (been there ~3 mo). Both of the people in need were horrified, but the people who helped them were only thankful they were there to help and hoped they were okay.

          • WM

            Just adding to the list of things we’ve witnessed, I once had a broker at my office for a meeting – and he had a major diabetic episode. 911 was called, the guys blood sugar was rock bottom… it was bad, and scary. Luckily, he was fine in the end!

      • Anonymous

        HUG’S! This is why I do NOT like to travel. I got sick alot when I traveled and also from Alan. He sneezed in my food alot and I also used to get UTI’s b/c of Alan. He was NOT the most hygenic either. FOOEY! I do NOT miss that slob burpeing on me after he had his beers and wine. He was NOT worth it, if you get my meaning’s! DOUBEL FOOEY. I am sure the girl who is sleepeing with him would agree. She is NOT getting a bargain with him!

        Robert is on his way OVER here so I am to meet him and walk up to Grand Central. I hope he take’s me to Michel Jordan’s, but I think he is more liekely to gake me to the soup kitchen downstairs. I want STEAK, not ground beef, and think that mabye this guy is more ground beef then steak! FOOEY!

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I agree with TBK. A UTI is a very real medical emergency. Despite popular belief, they aren’t just caused by sex either. When I studied abroad, a girl in my group got a yeast infection. We were basically constantly scheduled to be somewhere with our faculty leader. She had to tell the leader she had a medical issue and needed time off to go to the pharmacy. Problem was, she couldn’t get across to the pharmacist what she needed. It wasn’t OTC there. So, she finally had to tell the male faculty member so he could translate for her. Embarrassing, yes. Necessary, absolutely. You are human and I doubt anyone thinks less of you for this.

    • Anon for this

      When I was a senior in college I got a UTI that I tried to treat with cranberry juice. The pain somewhat subsided so I thought it was working. I wound up getting a 104 degree fever and was in excruciating pain before I finally dragged myself to our on-campus clinic. My mom came to pick me up and take me to a urologist who said that I had let the infection spread so much that it was at the base of my kidneys and if I had let it go any longer that I could have caused permanent kidney damage.

      So, not exactly a work-medical emergency story, but rest assured, you’re not the only one who ignore health issues.

    • NOLA

      Yeah, this is really embarrassing, but not fatal. I have a guy friend whom I met at a conference back in 1992 or 1993 and we’re really good friends, but we partly got to know each other because I had carpooled to the conference (4 hours from home) and didn’t have a car, was diagnosed with a UTI, and needed a ride to a pharmacy. My friend, who is now also a great professional colleague (not at my institution) loves to embarrass me by recounting how we met.

      • Anon

        I think your reference to “not fatal” is to the career aspect, but OP should know that this condition can be fatal if left untreated. I had a friend who died at 24 because she let a UTI go to the point that she had a really high fever (like 105-106), got septic, and essentially ended up brain dead. Her husband eventually took her off life support. It was sudden and awful. Please don’t ignore these sorts of issues. I’m glad to hear you went to the doctor when you did, even though it was inconvenient at best. I say just thank your boss and move on.

        • cbackson

          I had a UTI progress to a kidney infection – I fainted from the high fever and hit my head in the street, and had to go to the ER. It’s definitely serious and not something to be embarrassed about!

    • Flamingo

      My guess is that the infections got so out of control because consulting often means insane hours far away from home, with no time to go to the doctor. They know this too, so I wouldn’t sweat it.

      • s in Chicago

        Your ear infection also may have had to do with flying. You may have been pretty fine when you left but flying puts your whole sinus system under stress. (Told to me by an ENT after what was my gazillionth sinus infection post-trip.) You’re human.

    • anon

      It’s more common than you think. I’ve gotten a few and I don’t have the typical symptoms – I’ll get a fever only or low back pain only. My doctor has said she’s had quite a few fevers with no other symptoms turn out to be cystitis or utis that progressed to kidney infections. yikes.

    • hellskitchen

      As someone who had to take her employee to the ER because there was no one else to do so, I just felt glad that I was there to help and knew she’d have done the same for me if the reverse were true. A simple thank you card might be nice but don’t feel guilty or feel like you need to make it up to her somehow

    • saacnmama

      You were sick, you had a fever and were treated by EC. Why do your bosses or anyone else on the team need to know more than that?

    • Anonymous

      I think this is really nice, that your boss helped you out. Here’s a contrasting story for you. Last year, I was out of town, across the country on business and came down with what I’m pretty sure was norovirus. I was projectile vomiting and experiencing, uh, other effects all night, along with running a fever that I am sure was over 102. When it came time to get ready for my morning meetings, I could barely walk and I was shaking like a leaf. My (female) boss walked into my room, saw me, said “I hope you brought some Imodium” and walked out. She and my coworker could have handled the meetings without me – I was mainly there as backup – but she refused to even consider it. Several times during the day, people we were meeting with would ask me “are you all right?” or offer to get me drinks, a place to lie down, etc. When we got back to the hotel, I collapsed and woke up to a text message on my phone that she had had a “family emergency” and had left in the middle of the night, without letting me or my coworker know. We had to cover the last day of meetings by ourselves, knowing only about 50% of what we needed to about the project.

      I have a different job now.

      So, OP, here’s something to be grateful for – you work for nice people who care about you. A thank-you note would be a nice gesture but there is no need to be embarrassed. I have had UTI’s sneak up on me as well, it is nothing to be ashamed of. Acknowledge your boss’ kindness (which is never a bad idea, in any situation) and then move on.

  3. Nousha

    Big bulky jewelries are very trendy and I love them since they add personality to my outfits! I usually pick middle eastern, Indian or south America jeweleries. But I wear them one at a time otherwise it’s going to be too much and it won’t be chic anymore.

  4. Kanye East

    Jewelrynerd Talk: the “rainbows” and “sparkle” in both labradorite and moonstone are usually blue, and are commonly called “flash.”

    Flashy feldspar FTW.

  5. anonymous

    PSA – do not treat everyone under the age of 28 in your office as your own personal de facto tech support because you have not chosen to learn basic computer functions (like copy and paste) related to the operation of MS Office. Grr. One of those days.

    • Apple

      Really? I genuinely love teaching supervisors how to use Office. So helpful! So easy! What a low-hanging win.

        • Anastasia

          Ha, one of my favorite work memories from a previous job is when I helped my supervisor and senior coworker get rid of 4 blank pages at the end of a Word document. Put the cursor after the last word and held “delete.” MAGIC! They had been trying to solve the problem for a half hour and thought I was a computer whiz.

        • TCFKAG

          When I was a paralegal, one of the attorneys was AMAZED that I could tell her the number of x y or z in a spreadsheet in three seconds flat. I repeatedly explained the sort function. Didn’t matter – she still thought I was a miracle worker.

          I took the special snowflake treatment. How often do you get an ego boost?

          • NYNY

            A colleague is working on a project for people who believe she is magic because she can create a pivot table. Magic.

      • Susie

        My first job out of college I had to print my boss’ emails, he would read them and dictate or handwrite a response, and I’d have to go back into the email and type up and send the response.

    • +1

      Totally agree. Signed, Law clerk who is sick of helping the Harvard attorney use the basic functions of Microsoft Word

    • downstream

      And if you do ask for my help, don’t complain to me about how much better WordPerfect is. There is a reason everyone uses Word instead of WordPerfect! That reason may be because of Microsoft’s antitrust behavior, but the fact remains that everyone uses Word and I don’t care how much “better” WordPerfect is.

          • Anonymous

            Yes, alas it does. I work for the government and we use it because it’s cheaper.

          • Em

            It does at the federal courts; complete nightmare trying to use it during my clerkship.

          • Equity's Darling

            It so does. There was an older partner at my firm who insisted on using it, and also refused to use our document management system, so he had a computer not connected to our network, with wordperfect on it, and he’d save everything on USB sticks. It drove me bonkers, because I’d save things into the appropriate matter in our document management system (for everyone else working on the file), and then also have to email each document, individually, to him.

            He’d also accuse me of formatting documents incorrectly. No, they’re formatted correctly as per the forms for our court, but your WordPerfect doesn’t show it properly, and it’s stupid to fix it (and I don’t know how to fix it, and I can’t because I don’t have WordPerfect). I would rage frequently in Ellen-style caps to the other articling students at the time, because for some inexplicable reason, I was his favourite and worked with him a lot, even though it was not in my preferred practice group, and everybody knew it.

          • gov anon

            Sadly, yes. There are still some government agencies using WordPerfect. And some are using versions so old that the document can’t be converted to Word. Which then means I have to retype the whole dang thing so it can be opened and edited at my agency.

          • TCFKAG

            My government agency used Word Perfect (I think all or most federal agencies do) – and it did have a few functionalities that I liked (being able to get into the underlying formatting easily to change things around for example). But mostly it lacked any modern amenities of a good word processor and was buggy to boot.

            But the real problem with Word Perfect is that inevitably someone in your office takes home the document, works on it in Word, and then brings it back and edits it in Word Perfect. Then you are basically scr*wed forever.

        • lawsuited

          A lot of law firms have to support WordPerfect and MSWord because senior partners started word processing in WordPerfect and can’t/don’t want to adapt. At my previous firm, half our precedents were in WP and half were in MSWord, and there was constant firm-wide frustration between the WP and MSWord factions.

  6. Should have taken more sociology?

    Sociology (?) threadjack

    Is there a term for when a member of a socioeconomic group gets brainwashed into voting for interests counter to herself and her group because she somehow believes that she’s really a member of another group?

    My tired afternoon brain wants to say it’s misattribution, but I know it’s not that. Misidentification? Is there a more widely used term in sociology to describe the phenomenon above?

    Thanks!

    • n.

      False consciousness? That’s the Marxist idea that members of the proletariat (ie, lower class) act against their interests because their mental representation of social relations (think: the American dream of rags to riches, or the idea that most people perceive themselves to be “middle class” even when they’re poor) hide the realities of exploitation in a capitalist society (that upward social mobility is very much the exception and not the rule, that there is a huge income disparity between middle/lower and upper classes).

      Apparently I’m all over this thread today because my article writing mojo has deserted me.

      • Should have taken more sociology?

        Yes! False consciousness. That’s what I was thinking of. Thank you! May your article-writing mojo return. (And to the others who responded to this thread — thanks for the chuckles.)

        • n.

          You’re welcome — it’s not often that someone on this board is paging a sociologist, so I’m happy to help!

  7. Loft PSA/Rant

    I ordered two silk shells from Loft that arrived today. One sleeveless, one with sleeves. For reference, I am a size 12/14 (usually 14), 5’6″, 165 pounds, and the size Large shells are HUGE. Not just fashionably loose – like I am wearing a giant bag huge. I can barely tuck them into my suit pants because there is so much extra fabric. Is vanity sizing really this out of control?

    • Anonymous

      I am a very similar size and I always seem to take a medium in Ann Taylor tops…but I take my normal 12 in their numbered size clothes (skirts, dresses, etc.). It’s so strange!

    • Bonnie

      Loft sizing is wacky. I usually wear an 8 and recently bought a top there in a petite small.

    • KinCA

      It’s bizarre, isn’t it? I’m on the taller and relatively thin (size 2-4, typically), but no means super skinny, and am often sized out of their stuff completely. It’s ridiculous. It’s not like I’m a 00 or anything.

      However, their awesome 50% off promos draw me back in from time to time.

    • anon

      I just got a bunch of tops there and it is insane. A few fit me at the shoulders/bust in XS, but then billowed out into absurdity. I get that oversized tops are fashionable, but I don’t need to fit three of me in here, thank you very much.

      • Jay

        Yes. I am 5’5″, 140 pounds, with a post-baby pooch that won’t go away. I bought a shell from Loft in S based on the reviews that it ran big, and I will be returning it for an XS or maybe a Petite Small. This is not vanity sizing; it’s insanity sizing.

  8. Happy

    You guys! I am having the most amazing job-seeking experience. After literally years of being unemployable (I left a good corporate job for grad school pre-recession, and obtained my useless-in-the-corporate-world graduate degree just in time for the academic market in my field to collapse), I got an interview. Mind you, I had been submitting resumes intermittently since 2008 but hadn’t gotten an interview since 2009. (I also have two little kids, so I wasn’t applying daily, but I have dropped resumes at least once a month.)

    And then. I came across an ad for a cool company with which I was familiar. They requested that interested applicants email a note. So I emailed a note talking about what I’ve been up to lately, and how my skills could apply to the job in question. A person who makes actual hiring decisions set up an interview; the interview was wonderfully civil; the person asked for some addition stuff (work product), which I submitted. These were met with satisfaction, and now I’m just waiting to see what happens next. My contact at the company has been in touch regularly and I’ve been treated with respect during every step of the process. Whether or not I get the job, this experience has totally restored my faith in humanity.

    I know many other women on this site have job woes, so I just wanted to share a happy story.

    • Backgrounder

      Good to hear! Good luck :)

      Signed,
      Another holder of a useless-in-the-corporate-world graduate degree

  9. L

    Did anyone see the announcement about JC Penney’s CEO? I have to admit, I actually liked their new direction (clothing-wise and pricing). I’d say my biggest complaint is you’d go to order a few items and everything would some how be out of stock (but still appearing in the search) or you’d order it and find out you wouldn’t receive the item for 3 weeks due to back order. It baffles me that in 2013, a major retailer can’t manage their online presence.

    http://www.washingtonpost.com/business/jc-penney-ousts-ceo-ron-johnson-names-predecessor-to-top-spot/2013/04/08/a06e5a64-a094-11e2-bd52-614156372695_story.html

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I am surprised that they didn’t give him through the holidays but I do agree that it is a *monumental* fail in this day and age to revamp physical store retail without considering and putting at least as much $$ into ecommerce. Physical store retail may not go the way of print journalism but ecommerce systems should *not* be stuck in 2001 if you want to improve sales.

    • Eleanor

      I’ve been following the JC Penny saga with some fascination for months now. I haven’t shopped there in years, either in person or online, but I thought Johnson made some daring changes (some of which I agreed with and some of which I didn’t), and I was rooting for him to succeed.

      I do think it’s silly Penny’s fired him now – of course if you’re going to implement a series of major changes like he planned, it’s going to take time to catch on. The new brands he brought to the store are only just now arriving, and many of the changes haven’t happened yet. Either don’t hire someone who’s going to make big changes, or hire him and give him time to succeed. I realize the company was hemorrhaging money, but if the company didn’t have the stomach for that the board shouldn’t have let Johnson go down that road in the first place.

      Also, why go back to the former CEO? The company was doing badly under him two years ago, and it’s doing even worse now, so he is a good choice because…? It seems like scurrying back to the tunnel of mediocrity because it’s safe.

      • Suzer

        This was one of my biggest frustrations when I worked in retail. New ideas were given maybe 6-12 months to succeed, and when they didn’t meet projections the pendulum swings back to previous strategies.

        • Eleanor

          Someone on here posted a while ago that something similar happened at Talbot’s: they changed the cuts of many of their clothes to appeal to younger women, or just women who preferred a more modern cut, and when the company lost its former customers who liked the boxy clothes, without immediately gaining many new customers, they abandoned the project. I realize companies need to be profitable, but how can you expect to overcome a reputation for boxy, ill-fitting clothes which you’ve had for years in a short time? Of course it will take a while for people to try the new ones.

          I haven’t followed Talbot’s at all and know nothing about this other than what people have posted here, but the situation sounded similar.

          • WestCoast Lawyer

            Ugh – I was just on Talbot’s web site the other day and was so disappointed! They had 1-2 seasons with some really cute options and now it looks like they’ve gone back to the matronly “ladies who lunch” suits.

          • Julie

            I still wear my clothes from that era. There hasn’t been much to catch my interest there lately but Coldwater Creek seems to be looking to steal some customers. I have seen 2 seasons worth of decent clothes coming from there and as a woman in my 20s I feel weird saying that.

      • Anonymous

        I think there’s also the matter of that costly law suit they’re engaged in. It may have been the nail in his coffin.

      • Anon

        I think there’s also that whole law suit they’re involved in. That may have been the bigger issue.

        • Eleanor

          It’s true he was responsible for bringing in the Martha Stewart line that is the subject of the lawsuit, but (i) if Penny’s wins the suit, it will be quite a coup for them; I understand that line is hugely profitable, and (ii) the stories I’ve read about this saga spend much more time talking about the store changes, and how badly they’re going, than about the lawsuit. Rumblings of Johnson’s job being in danger seem to have started before the lawsuit became news, but Anonymous may be right that it was just the nail in the coffin.

          I’m really not sure why these types of branding stories interest me so much. I have no affiliation with or affection for JC Penny, nor do I work in retail or anything related to it. Still fascinating.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I completely agree with you. He was trying to make interesting changes, but they’ve definitely neglected improving other other areas, which I think are bigger than their pricing issues. It seems like the blame is going on the no-sales strategy, but I think its bigger than that.

      • Meg Murry

        I think the biggest issue is exactly what was stated in the article – they alienated their regular customers, and didn’t do enough to draw in the new customers they were hoping to attract. There was an interesting story on NPR not so long ago where they were interviewing people both going into and passing by JCP and the “regulars” were upset and leaving empty handed, and people who hadn’t shopped there in the past weren’t going in. But I do agree with everyone else that 1) he needed more time to see if his ideas were going to work and 2) the JCP website is awful. I think the only thing that might save JCP is if they find someone to buy/partner with the way Sears did with Lands End – I hadn’t been in a Sears for years before I became addicted Lands Ends’ free shipping/free returns and lifetime quality guarantee – now I am a regular LE customer who occasionally picks up other Sears merchandise while I’m there for LE.

    • hoola hoopa

      As a newly converted JCPenny customer, I am personally saddened by this. I LOVE the new pricing scheme and LOVE their products. I could yell from the rooftops how much I love shopping at a store where I can walk in on any given day that is convenient for me and purchase nice basics for a fair price. I *hate* the fast-fashion and sale-driven approach that is everywhere these days.

      Sad panda. Very sad panda.

    • hoola hoopa

      Huh, moderation. Trying again.

      As a newly converted customer, I am personally saddened by this. I LOVE the new pricing scheme and LOVE their products. I could yell from the rooftops how much I love shopping at a store where I can walk in on any given day that is convenient for me and purchase nice basics for a fair price. I *hate* the fast-fashion and sale-driven approach that is everywhere these days.

      Sad panda. Very sad panda.

      • Meg Murry

        I think Panda might be a moderation word, maybe based on the rude and mean commenter from a few months ago? If my post goes into mod, that may prove it.

          • Parfait

            Why oh why would that be? I understand the rationale for most of the slightly odd ones. What’s wrong with the world’s most beloved endangered species?

    • hoola hoopa

      Blah, I keep ending up in moderation.

      In sum, I am a new customer attracted by the changes – so this news is very sad for me :(

  10. Anon

    I’m planning a trip to Hawaii in a few weeks and was wondering if anyone has any suggestions on things to do/see. This will be my first time there and I’ll be there for a week. I’m thinking that should be enough time to explore maybe 2 islands, but haven’t decided which yet.

    • anon

      for me, the whole point of Hawaii is to just relax & sit on a beach. Personally, I wouldn’t try to explore a few islands & would just pick a place to stay & park myself at the beach with a stack of books for the week. If you need more activity, all the islands have snorkling/parasailing/”adventure” type of day activities.

    • Anonymous

      Look up the 11/8/11 post (Davina dress). There’s a comment thread that might help :)

    • Susie

      There certainly is great relaxation and adventure to be found, but if you’re on Oahu Pearl Harbor is definitely worth checking out.

      • Senior Attorney

        +1 And there’s a lovely hotel right in the park, with an amazing restaurant. Sort of the Hawaii version of the Ahwahnee at Yosemite.

        • Tuesday

          I did not know this! The park is completely amazing … can’t imagine staying there.

    • new york associate

      We did Kauai and Maui over ten days. I loved them both, but I loved Kauai more. Maui is very resort. Kauai feels more rural and a little more unexpected; it’s easier to find “secret” beaches and quiet secret spots in Kauai. Kauai also has great hiking.

    • LH

      I’m partial to the Big Island, although I feel like Maui and Kauai are the conventional “best islands.” Big Island has a lot of diversity and in my opinion has everything one would go to Hawaii for: super posh resorts, more affordable condos and motels with great ocean views, amazing snorkeling, beaches with abundant sea turtles, black sand beaches, Volcanoes National Park (which I agree with others is very worth a visit – its so different than any other place I’ve been), and waterfalls and lush greenery. My opinion may also be colored a bit that I went to the Big Island at an off-peak season, but I found it much less crowded and touristy than Maui and Kauai. I do get the sense that fine dining is better on the other islands (although this may be because I was a student went to the Big Island last and I did not try to find any high-end restaurants). I don’t go to Hawaii for restaurants anyway. In a week I would only do one island unless you are ok with your vacation being non-stop activity. I think 3 days in each place would not be enough to really explore and see the island thoroughly, while also relaxing/snorkeling/swimming/lying on the beach.

      • Anonymous

        Love the Big Island. It’s like being in a cool, off-the-beaten-track tropical foreign country without having to use your passport. I vacation to “get away from it all” and I love that the towns on the Big Island are small and there are lots of less-populous areas where you can go and, if not be alone, at least not be in throngs of people. I also think the Big Island is best for experiencing nature in Hawaii.

  11. Equity's Darling

    http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/the-hot-button/womansplaining-when-strangers-give-advice-why-do-we-listen/article10946325/

    I know, we’ve all had this conversation before leaning in/snapping up the “best” men in undergrad, but that’s not the point of my comment – Why do I brush off family when they tell me I should be “settled down”, and yet when someone I have never met does it, I actually get upset? I should take the constructive criticism of my friends/family more seriously than strangers, no?

    I also hate the term “womansplaining”, whatever that word is supposed to mean? They should have just titled the article “When strangers give advice, why do we listen”.

    • downstream

      “womansplaining” reminds me of Ricky Ricardo. “Woman, you got some ‘splaining to do!”

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I think “womansplaining” comes from the (joking) term “mansplaining” which I’ve always taken to mean that kind of smarmy tone men sometimes use when explaining things to “the little woman.”

    • Sydney Bristow

      I think its easier to take advice from people you don’t know because it is hard to separate the advice from a myriad of other emotions wrapped up when listening to someone you know. Advice from a relative can seem much more like personal criticism because they know you. It can also seem much harsher because they may speak in a way that pushes your buttons and picks up on things that you already feel bad about. When a relative suggests you settle down with someone, they may know that you feel sad about being alone and their advice reinforces that feeling. Or you may know that they settled down early in life and it worked out terribly so you don’t think they are in any position to give that kind of advice. You’re less likely to know that much about a stranger giving advice and you certainly don’t have major emotional associations with that person.

  13. Worried Anon

    Regular reader/semi-regular poster but anon for this. I have a chronic illness, usually reasonably well-managed but currently flaring up. On top of all the worries that come with a flare-up (how bad will it get? when will it get better? why isn’t this treatment working?), I’ve recently begun to worry that I might sometimes use my illness as an excuse to avoid things I don’t want to do, like household tasks & social obligations. I also find it hard to think about long-term plans or commitments because I don’t know what my physical condition will be like in the future.

    Sure, fatigue is a real part of this illness, as is pain, but where’s the line between pacing myself through the day/week to conserve energy and avoiding tasks & obligations? What would the latter look like to a friend or family member? Not sure I know the right questions to ask myself or friends/family.

    • anon

      A therapist would be able to help you maintain a good, balanced perspective on this. A good one will tell you when you’re being too hard on yourself and/or when you’re making excuses.

    • Anonymous

      Maybe it is time to do an online course on Mindfulness. Some of the programs/lectures talk about living with medical issues and how to cope while living for today and not worrying about tomorrow.

    • Gem

      It might be worth reading about the spoon theory. It’s a useful tool both for working out how much you can manage and explaining to others

      • Cb

        The spoon theory is my default link when someone asks me what having a chronic illness (in my case, SLE) is like.

  14. what to do

    Need some advice. A little while back I had a series of terrific interviews for a job I want very, very much. The guy who would be my boss encouraged me to keep in touch. After a couple weeks had passed, I emailed him to ask for an update on the process. He called to tell me that (1) they really liked me and had narrowed down the (considerably large) applicant pool to one other person and me; and (2) he was leaving the company in a couple of weeks but a replacement for him had been identified, and that the new person would probably want some input in the selection between the other candidate and me. We’re now in the last week this guy said he’d be at the company. So last week I emailed him to see if he could tell me who his replacement was once the person had been officially brought on board. (I know a lot of people in the industry and was hoping I knew the new person or at least knew someone who knew him/her.) I haven’t heard back. Since Friday is his last day, should I call him? Email him? I believe they still intend to hire for this position and I want to make sure I stay on the radar. I also don’t want to be a pest. What should I do?

    • mascot

      Did you interview with anyone else? Assuming that this guy’s job wasn’t strictly recruitment, he probably has a lot of other tasks to wrap up before he leaves. Assuming that someone at the company knows about the interview and knows that they want to hire, the process is still ongoing. Your contact probably doesn’t know/can’t change what the next steps are so I don’t know that further contact gets you anything. Sorry, but I think you just have to wait patiently.

  15. NervousAnon

    TJ – anon for this – and it’s very long, I’m sorry – my husband, typically incredibly supportive and loving and wonderful, proud of me, loving, etc. – has in the last 6 months completely lost any patience for me expressing any kind of “need” – like needing/wanting affection. He lately has viewed me saying “I love you” excessively as a mode of neediness. Me wanting s*x is needy. It’s so weird – he only thinks or reacts this way when he’s in a bad or stressed out mood, and he’s been under an insane amount of stress lately, but I feel like he just lumps me into another obligations/stressor/terrible negative thing and that I’m just needing constantly and he doesn’t want to give. He WILL give when I don’t ask or if I back off a bit (i.e. will say I love you if I havent’ said it in a while, will be affectionate if I’m not) – but I feel like I should not be playing these kinds of games with my husband! We’re too old for this. I’ve tried to express all of this calmly and rationally to him, and we can sometimes have productive discussions about it, but if he is not in the right frame of mind, he gets really cold and distant. The other night he said he doesn’t look forward to seeing me anymore because all I do is “need” and I make him feel like a jerk when he’s exhausted. Please bear in mind that we have had a long, happy, loving relationship and this is all new in the last 6 months, and I honestly do not feel as though my own behavior has changed, but now I feel it might be in reaction to him (i.e. withholding I love you’s or affection). He was furious when I suggested therapy – just “another thing” for him to have to deal with. I’m honestly just venting a bit here, as I don’t want to involve our friends and family in this weird drama, and as our relationship is primarily very positive. I’m just concerned about this rough patch (by far our roughest patch) and want to get through it. I just feel like I’m trying to work through it completely alone. Does any of this scream red flag to you ladies? Could something have happened (an indiscretion? I really doubt it, but I don’t know, the behavior is so bizarre!)? I feel like I owe him patience, love and taking stress off his plate as he’s clearly at his limit. I just don’t know what else to do to alleviate his stress. Any tips? :(

    • anon

      actually, it does scream red flag of another woman, to me…I hope that isn’t the case.

      • anon2

        Yes, depression and/or an affair. His mistress is not nearly as “demanding” and “needy” when he mentally compares the two of you, even if everything you are asking for is both reasonable and no different than the year before. And/or he’s pushing you away because he feels guilty about cheating on you. Even if he won’t go to therapy with you, you should still go by yourself.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I think any major behavioral change with no explanation, in anyone you’re close to, merits a full physical workup. Maybe suggest he go to the doc (not necessarily the therapist) and call the doc beforehand to express your concerns?

    • Anon

      I think that this behavior is strange and that there might be something else causing it. But, that said, I can sometimes feel this way when I get overwhelmed. I am naturally an introvert and really recharge by being alone. Hard to do with a full time job as an attorney, a husband and three kids at home. Sometimes, particularly after spending lots of time with small children climbing and whining all over me, or dealing with a particularly difficult client/judge/opposing counsel, I just want to be left alone. My husband understands this now, and will give me some space, but in the beginning, he thought I was mad at him or didn’t want to be with him. I’m not sure if this is what is going on with your husband, or if there is something more there.

    • L

      Have you suggested he get a physical? I know it sounds weird, and maybe it could just be stress, but when people start acting completely bizarre it’s not a bad idea to rule out medical issues (other than mental health issues).

      That said, when he’s in a calm moment, you should try to talk to him about his stress and how you all can manage it as a couple. Not the particular issue of you being “needy” but how to achieve better balance overall.

      I’d also be inclined to give him a few weeks of just chill out time. I tend to be like your husband and when I’m really stressed out, withdraw. I know it sounds ridiculous, but sometimes at the end of the day the “i love yous” and lady garden parties are literally the last thing on my mind and there is some inherit guilt that goes along with not wanting to do that.

      I’d also revisit the idea of therapy and frame it as a way that you all can better communicate.

    • Anonymous

      Before you start imagining worst case scenarios, talk to him about some lifestyle changes that can alleviate stress. I sometimes felt this way with my ex when I was stressed, burned out and exhausted – maintaining the relationship started to feel like just another chore. It didn’t help that he had a much bigger need for reassurance and affection than I did.

      Can you two go away together and just relax? Also, keep trying to get him therapy. Hugs to you.

      • Curious George

        Have you tried doing something nice or taking care of a chore that will help him relieve some of his stress? When I’m feeling overwhelmed at work and I come home to a nice dinner, or a clean house, or some other chore that has been taken care of by my husband just because/to surprise me, it puts me in a better mood instantly and I’m much more receptive to his needs even if I have a lot on my plate.

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, something’s going on that you need to get to the bottom of. When my husband starts complaining about being “overwhelmed,” I sit down and help him list out what is on his plate that is overwhelming him, and then we talk through what is really necessary, what he can put 50% effort into, and what he might be able to blow off. I have never had the experience of getting pushed away that you are having, though, and you have my sympathies – getting rejected and being made to feel like you are pushy and demanding can’t be fun.

      I read something awhile back that said that most cheating spouses admitted that their #1 defensive technique was to, when asked by their spouse about their weird behavior, make their spouse feel like they were crazy/demanding/unreasonable. It apparently was very effective at deflecting questions that would have lead to discovery of the affair (which almost always came to light anyway). I hope that is not the case with your husband, but it is something to think about.

      Big hugs. Don’t give up and withdraw. Even if he is having an affair, if there is still love between you, you might be able to save your marriage. If you allow yourself to be straight-armed away from him, and communication breaks down completely – I have never seen a marriage survive that. Your marriage is worth fighting for, so keep fighting. Good luck and please update.

  16. Very Anon for This

    It’s late in the day, but I’m hoping for some advice:

    As I’ve mentioned at some point before, I have spent more than a year piecing my life together after a co-worker (let’s call him Tom), who was a close personal friend, decided to reveal to both me and his wife (also a very close friend) that he’d been nursing a crush on me for months. The fallout from that was incredibly horrible, especially since Tom and I worked together for months after that, but we managed to keep things civil and mostly professional at work until he finally left. Both he and his wife made it very clear that they would prefer to never hear from me again.

    Problem being that I am now working on a project that is pretty squarely in Tom’s area of expertise (in fact, it’s a project that he was working on until he left), and is VERY MUCH not my area. And every time I ask my boss — who knew Tom and I were friends and doesn’t know anything about the drama — a question about the finer points of how to do it, he tells me to ask Tom. Up till now, I’ve been able to just find the answer on my own, but I’ve just hit a question for which I can’t do that.

    I don’t want to contact Tom, and Tom does not want to hear from me. Nor does Tom’s wife want him to hear from me. But short of going back and telling the boss that, for reasons I don’t want to go into, he needs to give me a new name to call (and I’m sure he knows other people who can answer the question), I’m not sure how to avoid it. I don’t know anyone else in town who does this work — again, it’s not my field. So do I just put on my big-girl bloomers and email Tom, or is it reasonable to tell my boss that I don’t want to deal with him? Or is there some third option I’m not seeing?

    • MaggieLizer

      “Boss, I’ve needed help more than once or twice lately and I would like to have more than one person to talk to in case my only contact, Tom, isn’t available to assist. Is there anyone else you can recommend I talk to?”

    • Blonde Lawyer

      “Tom is unavailable. Feel free to try him though. Anyone else I can call?” Alternatively, if you are close with your boss you can just say “Tom was having some personal issues at home. Knowing this, I’m not comfortable calling him but I think a call from a male would be welcome if you want to give him a call” (This is assuming your boss is male.)

    • hellskitchen

      You could email Tom but mention that your boss asked you to contact him. That way he knows you aren’t reaching out to him to create any drama. If Tom doesn’t reply you can tell your boss that despite your emails, Tom is not responding. Honestly I don’t see why you should worry about adhering to Tom or his wife’s preferences… you didn’t do anything wrong here and you are perfectly entitled to maintain a professional relationship with your colleagues. He was the one who chose to confess his crush and he must deal with the repercussions; no reason for you to treat him as anything more than a colleague. And unless his wife is also a colleague, she shouldn’t even factor into this equation. I’d even suggest cc-ing your boss on your email to Tom but there’s a risk that his reply might contain more personal details than you’d like your boss to see. If in the course of things, your boss does find out more details, you can always tell him you were not involved in any of this except as an unwilling and unknowing subject of Tom’s crush and you prefer to keep the relationship professional. Don’t let Tom bring this drama into your professional life

      • saacnmama

        Totally agree that his stupid feelings aren’t your fault.
        Assuming your boss has told you per email that you should ask Tom, you could forward that along to him.
        Besides asking the immediate questions, you might want to ask Tom for other resources you can go to in the future.

        • Very Anon for This

          I thought about asking for other resources — I think that if I get a response along the lines of “please don’t email me ever again,” which I’m half anticipating, I will. Completely aside from my desire to pretend that Tom doesn’t exist, I would really prefer to have someone I can just call anyway, instead of emailing — that would make getting answers much quicker.

        • Very Anon for This

          Also, the line “his stupid feelings aren’t your fault” made me laugh. Thank you — I really needed to laugh. It makes me feel less stabby.

      • hellskitchen

        I just re-read your post and realized that Tom is no longer working at your company, which does mean you’d be reaching out to him to ask a favor rather than as one co-worker to another. If you don’t want to do that, I like Maggie Lizer’s response best – it’t direct and doesn’t have any excuse-type details (he’s unavailable, lost touch etc) that you could get called out on by your boss later on.

    • Anonymous

      Do your job. Which in this case means email Tom, and mention your boss told you to.

      • Curious George

        I would not email Tom if I wear in your shoes. I would just say “Tom and I have lost touch, and I can no longer reach him. I’ve tried to find the answer through X, Y, Z and have hit a wall. Got any suggestions?” or something along those lines.

    • Very Anon for This

      Thanks for the advice. Big-girl bloomers it is — I just emailed him. Fingers crossed that he’ll just answer the damn question and not feel the need to send any side commentary. (As a venty side note, I seriously, SERIOUSLY resent the fact that this was even a question.)

      • goldribbons

        I understand and totally agree. I had a similar situation (male coworker and I were very close, great friends, totally platonic, but then suddenly something changed and he turned into a p!ssy @$$hole), but I was the one who ended up leaving the company. He has to reach out to me occasionally for follow up related to work I did while at the company and it’s unfortunate that he’s always so terse and rude.

        • Very Anon for This

          Oh, that totally sucks. I’m sorry you’re dealing with a similar cluster.

          I did keep my email fairly terse (though hopefully not rude). At one point in time he had to “report” to his wife on all communications from me. I don’t know if that’s still the case, but since apparently the whole situation has somehow become all my fault, I didn’t want to put anything in the email that could get me accused of trying to reestablish connections.

          • Anonymous

            “At one point in time he had to “report” to his wife on all communications from me.”

            Oh, Lord. How old are these people, twelve? Their marital problems are your fault? Her monitoring your communication with Tom is going to make their marriage “all better”? It kills me when people act like this.

            I hope Tom is civil either in answering the question or telling you not to email him any more. In either case, Tom is a coward and I am glad he is out of your life. My sympathies for having to deal with this BS, as if regular life isn’t complicated/aggravating enough.

          • Very Anon for This

            Thanks so much. Seriously, I love the responses everyone on this site has had to this situation — I thought I was just nuts for being completely flabbergasted by the whole thing. I wish I’d asked about it a year ago after it first came up. I probably could have saved myself a lot of pain.

            And yeah, I have no idea what the monitoring was about — but you can see why I didn’t want to contact him. To quote Sweet Brown, ain’t nobody got time for that.

  17. Anon for this

    What is the appropriate response from a white attorney when a client of color repeatedly discusses the issues of dealing with racism when running a business. I’ve responded with “that must be very frustrating. I’m sorry to hear you are experiencing that.” This was not a request for legal advise. In fact it was the opposite. Just a long vent about why he is no longer in the same line of work as he used to be. It included lots of examples including “I don’t even know why I’m telling you this. Unless you have lived life through a black person’s eyes you wouldn’t understand.”

    Our calls have often evolved into him venting such frustrations and I just never know the right response. I don’t want to belittle or diminish his experiences. They are entirely unrelated to why he is seeking my services, however. I want to move us back on track. Even if it were relevant, what is the proper response? Do I just listen? Ask more questions? Empathize? Apologize?

    • F in SF

      It seems unclear why he’s telling you this. Perhaps you could ask him what he wants you to do with this. One of my friends uses the tactic of 1) offering sympathy 2) expressing frustration that you can’t solve their problems 3) asking what you can do to help (based on your abilities).

      Other than that, is this affecting your job? If it’s taking time away from your other responsibilities, you could bring it up to him.

      • Curious George

        Saying “that must be very frustrating. I’m sorry to hear you are experiencing that” seems like the right response. If the vent is lengthy you could say (without cutting him off) “that must be very frustrating. I’m sorry to hear you are experiencing that. I don’t mean to interrupt if you hadn’t finished your thought, but to get back on track helping you deal with the services you’re contacting me about….)

    • Anonymous

      Could there be a relationship in his eyes that you don’t see? His comments sound to me like they could mean that. Why not ask him, and ask him what you can do

  18. Tuesday

    Quick question — I’ve seen mentioned on thissite a particular diamond alternative (synthetic diamond), but I can’t remember the name to search it. Does anybody know what I mean? It’s not c-z.

  19. Niktaw

    Dear Job Applicant,
    when you apply for a position that entails a lot of writing, using the word “principle” as an adjective several times in your resume automatically takes you out of the running.

    Dear Job Applicant with a 15-page resume in 10pt font – don’t even.

  20. anon for this one.

    TJ:

    I’ve been in the same firm my whole working life and recently made partner. I was made partner a little earlier than expected, and was looking forward to building a book of business, building the firm, etc. It is a small firm with a long history, trying to grow. I was always told that they wanted me to help the firm grow. It was not expected that I would have my own book of business or be entirely self-supporting when I was made partner.

    After some new hires were made, my workload has dropped from a comfortable level to about half or less than half of what it used to be. I don’t blame anyone personally for this – it’s hardly their fault that they happened to be hired – but I did highlight my concerns about whether there would be enough work to support all of us to my direct boss. My concerns were dismissed. The only answer I’ve received, even after the drop in my workload became apparent, was to “market more”. I have no objections to marketing more, and was going to do it anyway – I just don’t think it will translate into enough work, soon enough.

    Before this happened, I was intending to stay in this firm for the long haul. Now, I feel betrayed because despite all the work I have put in – including non-billable sh*t clearing that no one was interested in taking on – there seems to be no interest in addressing the problem. Whether this is because no one cares or no one wants to think about it, I have no idea.

    For a variety of other reasons, I also feel that staying in this firm in the long run may – I stress *may*, not *definitely* – be untenable.

    Bottom line – Do I stay and tough it out, knowing I may still leave at some point in time? Do I cut my losses and leave for one of the several firms that has enough work and has previously expressed interest in hiring me?

    I know that no one can really give me an answer, but I would appreciate thoughts on this.

    • Eleanor

      I suggest posting this on the thread for today, once it’s up, to get more responses.

      In your position, if other firms had expressed interest hiring me I would hightail it to one of them. It seems the partners at your firm are find letting you take on unbillable grunt work, but have little interest in your career other than leaving you to fend for yourself. I think it’s ok to treat partners this way (eat what you kill), but only when those expectations are clear from the beginning.

    • Moonstone

      Once you start to feel like your concerns are dismissed, I think it’s a good idea to put out feelers on other places to work.

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