Weekend Open Thread

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Dior Addict lip gloss in icy blue

Something on your mind? Chat about it here.

If you haven't taken a look at the colors available for Dior Addict (reader favorite for “my lips but better” lip gloss), do take a look — they have greatly expanded the color offerings. Including (dunh dunh dunh) icy blue!

My first thought was thus: What. The. Heck. Perhaps with a different word in there.

But as I looked at the pictures my second thought was, dang, I'm going to have to get this, won't I?

I have always loved blue and black glosses — they work so well with my pale skin and cool undertones, and really do end up looking like “my lips but better.” Plus, maybe it's juvenile but I do get a kick out of pulling out a lipstick tube that looks a lot more intense than it is.

For what it's worth, I feel like these are in a different category than the “pH color changing lipsticks!,” which all turn a bright pink on me — a blue or black lipstick is a light color wash in, well, blue or black, more like a filter on Instagram or something.

I just ran out of one of my favorites, Givenchy's Le Rouge Interedit in Noir, but I prefer the formula for Dior Addict… so this may be coming home with me soon.

(DANG IT they have a dark “blackberry” that's almost black that I also want. Problems, problems.)

The lip gloss is $40, at Nordstrom and other department stores.

Looking for something similar? This MAC lipstick is a light blue MLBB as well and only $26… In general, some of our latest favorite MLBB tints include Dior Addict, Clinique's Black Honey, and NARS Afterglow, I also like this $20 option from Amazon as a great Dior Addict Lip Glow dupe. Other recent favorites, both very affordable: this NYX gloss, and this Peripera glowy tint.

Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

300 Comments

  1. Thread for probationary feds (I am one too). How are you all doing? Have you heard anything from your agencies? I’m at OCC/Treasury and I don’t know what to think. I know he wants to claw back regulations, so I’m thinking I’m in a not great spot. But at the same time, my agency isn’t funded by Congress. This all, of course, goes up in smoke if they just choose to cut all probationary feds regardless of agency.

      1. My mom just said to me “I hope they help the people in Western NC!” I said, “THEY want to shut down FEMA!” She was like “well, FEMA isn’t helping them sooo.” *facepalm* She claims her brother was supposed to get money from FEMA and never received it.

        1. I’m not surprised when things just slip through the cracks. When eveything seems to require a phone, a computer, a printer, power, paper, wifi, etc., never mind an app, a password, hand dexterity. And passable roads and mail service and mail carriers who know where to find you or the forwarding works as planned as you move here and there to various hotels and family members. It’s a lot when you have a house and no prior medical conditions and a stable job and $. Take all that away . . . I get how maybe things are funtioning as well as they could be and yet not at all well.

          1. Yes, at the fire-related training I attended, FEMA tends to focus on people who are underinsured and uninsured. If he has insurance, a claim must be filed with the insurance company first. There are exceptions, like the $770 available as emergency funds for immediate needs.

          2. FEMA is legally prohibited from “duplicating benefits”, so if insurance covers loss A then FEMA cannot cover loss A; however, it can cover loss B. FEMA can also help cover your insurance deductible.

            FEMA is also not designed to make someone whole after a disaster, but to ensure they’re able to safely live somewhere (both to repair your primary residence to make it inhabitable and to provide you with somewhere temporary to live while your house is being repaired) with the things they need for daily life: a vehicle to commute with, a computer, medical equipment, etc.

            FEMA gets a lot of flack for both of these things, however, FEMA is already spending a lot of money just to do the above and spending even more would not be popular!

            FEMA also does a lot of funding under Public Assistance for public, community, and non profit facilities – the school, community center, park, library, fire station, soup kitchen, etc.

        2. If her brother applied for FEMA assistance, there will be communication for him via mail or the online portal. He can also call the FEMA helpline for assistance.

          They might not be able to issue him a check yet because they’re waiting on him to provide information (insurance claim, proof of residency or ownership, etc).

          If his application for assistance was denied or he thinks he should have been approved for more than he was, he can appeal that.

          1. Absolutely. There is a process and it’s reasonable. But it is like trying to go through an IRS audit from a tent when you have no documents and (often) limited ability to charge your documents or it’s a slog to get something printed and signed. Or you spend a day playing phone tag or trying to update your address yet again.

        3. FEMA was a boondoggle set up by Jimmy Carter. People got help from the government after natural disasters long before Carter established it and they will long after Trump dismantles it , so you need to get over it.

    1. Probationary at Ag in a very MAGA part of the country with a bunch of MAGA colleagues. I am not doing well.

    2. Not a fed here, but feel for you all. What makes a probationary employee? Just that you were recently hired and are within some window of your hiring date?

      1. Yes, probationary periods are usually 1 year, sometimes 2 years. I started last March so I’m still within my 1 year probationary period.

      2. Also, some agencies have different hiring mechanisms that they use instead of or in addition to PFTs (permanent full time employees). For example, FEMA uses a different mechanism that’s supposed to be more flexible for disaster response work. But, those positions are term positions – usually 2-4 year terms that are usually they’re renewed but they can just be canceled. I expect that to happen to a lot of FEMA employees.

      1. You have got to be a special kind of evil to be an ICE employee under this administration.

          1. You do realize ICE does a lot more than what’s portrayed to the lowest common denominator via news? I work in anti-human trafficking and they are a HUGE support with that, child exploitation, etc. You will find that to be the case with CBP, HSI, etc.

          1. ICE atty here. No, not evil or morally bankrupt. Just trying to enforce immigration laws in previous administration and this one. Who else do you think secure removal orders for spouse and child abusers, felons, and other dangerous criminals in this country?

          2. Every other law enforcement agency? I thought crime was illegal before ICE ever existed!

          3. You really think every single local police department can manage legal deportation procedures for criminals?

    3. I just transferred to a different agency, so I’m likely probationary despite over 10 years of federal service. No one in my component will tell me if I’m on a list or what will be disclosed. My bosses say not to worry, but I don’t think a decision to keep me is going to be up to them. I’m updating my resume, reaching out to my network, and preparing to be laid off. At least I’m guaranteed one more paycheck and have some annual leave to cash out.

      1. You can look at your SF-50 and it will tell you. Check whether it says conditional or permanent.

    4. Until you’ve needed FEMA, you truly have no idea how awful they are to deal with. Personally, I have dealt with them after a federally declared disaster in my town from a flood. 1. Insurance covered virtually nothing. 2. I had NO home or place to receive mail AND my towns post office was also destroyed. 3. They are slow to respond, requesting an appeal is worthless, and HOURS and HOURS of work is needed to submit a claim/appeal and respond to it. There has to be a better way but of course, not with any government agency. Schools in my town are getting but NOT because of FEMA funding but because of generous, kind and helpful people. If we as a country rely on the government to help us in times of need, we need to rethink how we function as a society.

      1. It’s hard to make federal $ allocation “easy” without making it ripe for fraud. And of course we never have enough people working for the government to do it. And the tragedy on your end makes every step more painful.

        Suggestions?

  2. Here’s a fun question for today: what surprised you when you married or moved in with your partner in terms of family culture, e.g., kissing kids on the mouth or being undressed around your kids.

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen my husband kiss or hug his parents, but I still hug and kiss mine a lot. I don’t kiss my parents on the mouth but I did with the kids when they were little (and sometimes still do with my young-for-his-age 10yo). I grew up in a religious household and my DH didn’t, so I think that was a big surprise for him.

    1. I’m confused about what this has to do with religion (when I think of stereotypes of people who kiss family on the mouth all the time or go undressed at home they’re all people who are religious?).

      1. I don’t think OP meant to imply that they’re connected, just that it’s another difference.

      2. I don’t think I ever saw either parent in shorts. I never saw my mom in a bathing suit other than mom-and-me swim lessons. They are mainstream Christians. Just from a different generation.

    2. My in-laws bed share in a way I find super weird. Like, they don’t have a tv in their living room but they have one in the main bedroom, so they all pile up on the bed for movie night. I haven’t sat on my parents’ bed since I was like 5, and this makes me insanely inconfortable. We have also had this issue in reverse – my SIL will dogsit for us and I set her up in our very nice guestroom but she sleeps in our room and it drives me nuts. We are from pretty similar backgrounds so I wasn’t expecting this major cultural gap TBH!

          1. It’s rude behavior when you’re in someone else’s house. No one is saying SIL can’t do it in her own house.

        1. Cosign the ICK. I would lose my marbles if someone decided to sleep in my bed instead of the guest bed. I have a specific room for you with the same size mattress, use it.

          1. That’s so funny. In my family the primary hedroom was tge best room so it was offered to guests in lieu of the sofa bed in the den. We had fire-refugee friends in our house when we were on vacation and I offered them our bed because it had clean sheets and the guest bed didn’t. They were horrified at the very idea!

          2. When I housesit, frequently the owners (friends, neighbors… people i already know) usually have me sleep in their room because it’s what the pets are used to. Easier on all of us!!

          3. Growing up we didn’t have a guest room and I don’t have one now – I always offer my bed to guests!

          4. My guest room is arguably as nice as my master. The master is bigger but it has a wardrobe and stuff because I actually use it. The guest room is more sparse and hotel like. As mentioned equal quality mattresses. The guest bed always has clean sheets, my bed only has clean sheets in Sunday.

          5. Heh we only put clean sheets on the guest bed when we’re expecting company. May have to revisit that policy after getting caught flat-footed this month with unexpected guests while we were away.

      1. I’m 31 and when I’m visiting if my dad is watching sports in the living room, my mom and I will get in her bed to watch a movie.

        1. Also 31 and my mom and I hang out on her and my step fathers bed all the time talking and listening to podcasts together.

      2. Your house, your rules. But be prepared for the possibility that SIL may not be willing to dog sit if she needs to sleep in the guest room.

        1. Asking honestly — WHY? As a guest, I would be deeply uncomfortable if I had to sleep in someone else’s primary bed. I assume it’s where personal things happen with or without a partner, and it feels private and inappropriate for someone else to sleep there.

          Hotel rooms don’t bother me bc it’s anonymous – but if I’m at my brother and sister-in-law’s home, who have 4 kids, it’s not like it’s a far stretch to know that it’s their private space!

          1. As someone who has house sat for people with pets: Because the dog is used to having a person in the main bedroom and will not settle down/cries all night. And just because your guest room is just as comfortable as the main bedroom does not make that universal, or even particularly common.

            But then I slept in the bed where my father was conceived and my grandfather died when I stayed in my grandmother’s house as a child. The bed currently in my master bedroom was my other set of grandparents’, although with a new mattress. I honestly do not understand the ick factor here. It is not like they did not change the sheets. Furniture does not absorb cooties.

      3. Haha, I remember your original post about the SIL. Think the consensus was to let it slide since she was dog and house sitting for free (?).

    3. Nothing really — we had similar upbringings, both on paper (secular Jewish) and in terms of our particular family’s values and attitudes. I hug my parents and talk to them on the phone more than him, I suppose, but that’s always seemed like more of a gender difference than a family culture difference. His sister is a lot closer to his parents than he is.

    4. Honestly? Food.

      I’m from a meat and potatoes Irish Catholic family. I can’t remotely pretend we grew up with great cooks in the family or diverse cuisine. But his family ate a lot of junk. Like, a LOT of junk. Just as a small example, everything has a block or two of cream cheese in it, is wrapped in a puff pastry, and so on. All of that is good in moderation, don’t get me wrong, I’m absolutely not a food snob, but it was really eye opening, and for both of us, I think. As we’ve tried to eat a healthy balanced life, indulge in moderation, and model for our kids, I think he’s become a little embarrassed by his upbringing in this way.

      Conversely, I think he was surprised by how little my family was affectionate (see Irish catholic reference above….). Like, I never tell my parents I love them. Never. I think that’s probably why I’m overly communicative on that front with my own kids now – gotta break that cycle somehow … – but I think he was floored by how unaffectionate we were and still are. Like, my dad is my guy, through and through. But the thought of dancing with him at my wedding was low key cringe. I love my family, and I know they love me. We just…. don’t ever, ever say it or overtly show it.

      1. I can raise you with this – my dad’s side is Irish Catholic and my mom’s side is German/English WASPs. The Irish Catholics ARE the affectionate ones in my family! All that to say – we never, ever say I love you but obviously we love each other.

        My mom once asked my grandmother about this, after realizing her friends’ parents said I love you and my grandmother’s great line was “I’m your mother, of course I love you, why would I have to say it. Now go to bed”

        1. Ha! I love this.

          My father’s family is Jewish but not at all stereotypically doting. The family came here in the mid 1800s from Germany and I guess that’s part of it. They’re lovely but icy. A small dog once tried to cuddle at my grandmother’s feet at a party. She patted the dog hard twice on the head and said “there. I’ve petted you. Now go away.” This became the constant joke about the level of affection we can expect from her.

          1. hahah, I would say that sounds like my grandmother, but as my Irish Catholic side of the family likes to joke, us Episcopalians love our dogs more than our families

    5. eeeeek!! My creepy step-grandpa (who came on the scene when I was 9 or 10) was a mouth kisser, and to this day, even thinking about it/reading your post makes my skin crawl. So gross, so creepy.

      I kiss my kids on their heads, on their cheeks, and give giant bear hugs. I will never, not ever, kiss them on their mouth.

        1. And that is fine – but please be aware that this is cultural, as is the “sanctity” of a couple’s bed. In my family the idea that a couple’s bed is somehow different than any other bed in the house would be viewed as completely ridiculous. And while we are not a kiss on the mouth family, it does occasionally happen with very small children. There is nothing even remotely s*xual about it and we would not view it as creepy.

          Which does not mean you need to do it; your comfort level is your comfort level. But like a lot of things, there is no firm “right” or “wrong”.

          1. Sure, with the huge, glaring exception that if it makes the child uncomfortable, I don’t care how cultural it is — don’t do it. It *is* wrong, if the child is uncomfortable.

            My dad grew up in a family that was very comfortable with nakedness. Seeing him and my brother naked made me deeply, deeply uncomfortable, but no one respected my boundaries on it. My dad was just always, “what’s the big deal? It’s natural.” Nothing objectively bad ever happened, but it did impact my relationship with my dad for a long time, especially when I was a tween/teen. He probably doesn’t even realize that the two were connected, but they were. I was too young to really articulate the why – but it was his job to realize it bugged me based on what I did say, and he just blew it off bc it was okay culturally for him.

          2. That is a false equivalency. Mouth kissing is objectively gross for anyone other than the kid’s parent and even then….

      1. My father used to kiss on the mouth. He isn’t creepy, but he is massively controlling and doesn’t think other people should have boundaries.

        I am very affectionate towards my son. He gets kissed on his head, his cheeks, and anywhere there is a boo-boo. (He’s five.) He does not get kissed on the mouth.

        1. + one million.

          Creepy grandpa was hella controlling. That’s a good way to put it — like dominance over my body, no concern with how I felt. Ick.

    6. It’s been a little challenging for me to figure out how to interact with DH’s family because he’s very reserved but many of his family members aren’t. I default to following his lead with things like hugging but I learned quickly that his family are mostly huggers even though he doesn’t hug them. Same with sending cards, he didn’t want to send Christmas or thank you cards because his family doesn’t do that — but they do! They just didn’t send stuff to him because he doesn’t reciprocate! It’s tough to know how to interact with your partner’s people when your partner doesn’t have a good handle on it!

      The religion thing is a big culture shock for DH. I’ve shielded him from church so far. But things like saying grace before eating are new to him. He also forgets that I’m very knowledgeable about the Bible and most major Christian denominations (and other major religions to a lesser extent), so I get a bit annoyed when he fact checks me about some saint or religious holiday origins or when I call out misquoted bible verses. I may be an atheist but I have a very extensive religious education!

      1. Ha, same. Can’t tell you how many Christians have assumed I’m an ignoramus about their religion. Nope. I probably know your religion better than you do.

    7. Food allocation and meal planning. When I was growing up special foods like fruit, desserts, snacks etc. were portioned equally among family members and no one could eat anyone else’s share. You had to ask permission to use ingredients in case they were being saved for a meal, and kids had to ask before eating anything. My husband tells stories about eating whole boxes of cereal before his mom got the groceries put away, and he will eat up foods designated for meals and then ignore the food that is supposed to be for snacks.

      1. Oh my good food selfishness is my biggest pet peeve. It’s so inconsiderate, think of others! Ugh overgrown toddlers.

    8. The amount of food required for family get togethers at my in-laws is at least double the number of servings per person and anything less means no one eats because they’re all afraid to deprive someone else. It’s baffling and feels very wasteful. They also tend to have like 10 store bought desserts for any one occasion which is very different from my experience growing up where my mom would always bake one elaborate dessert per celebration.

      They also can go 30 min or more without saying anything when we are together which feels very uncomfortable to me as someone who comes from a loud and super chatty family. But I’ve accepted it now and while I still find it weird I no longer take it as a sign that something is wrong.

      1. I came from a quiet family where everyone was content to sit around not chatting, and married into a loud family who all have a lot to say. It was very overwhelming at first, but apparently I’ve adopted their ways because it seems quiet now when I’m with my family.

  3. My mom died and my stepdad is reluctantly considering that a 4-BR house with stairs in the middle of nowhere, along with driving, isn’t making sense. He does not cook. But he can eat like I did in college — breakfasts, simple microwaving, etc. He is in good health for his 80s. I’m the only kid and we are close (he is long-term stepdad, since I was little).

    How do I navigate between independent living, assisted living, etc.? He does not want to live with me but in the same city, which would be a move for him (so he doesn’t know what is here and has no preference).

    I had thought of CCRCs, but they make you buy in with a very hefty fee (in the hundreds of thousands) and several have had financial difficulties. I think a rental unit would be good. I’m not sure re buying a condo where he could also have single-level living and an elevator because he is already very old and in the next 10 years might need a higher level of care (I’m not sure he needs any care now, just figuring out how not to eat too many high-sodium shelf-stable or frozen meals — places with a 10-14 meal meal plan would work — I envy dorm kids with meal plans at this minute).

    How do you begin navigating this (which is probably 10 years later than he needed to be thinking through all this)?

    1. If he can afford it and wants to, a good CCRC is hands down the way to go. You can be of the most help by vetting places to ensure he’s choosing the best one for his situation. I hope I can afford a good CCRC should I live long enough.

    2. I think a lot of it starts with personal recs. Who in your network/city can recommend a good IL facility or CCRC? “Senior living” facilities these days offer a spectrum of care. IL, AL and MC can all be under the same roof so “you only have to move dad once”. There’s something to be said for that, having watched my grandmother go through it. She moved units and eventually wings when she went in to MC, but she was in the same building with the same staff, routines and friends the whole time, which I think made a huge difference.

      1. For us, hiring the best local Elder Care attorney for 1 hour answered the key questions. Where to go, what to do, what questions to ask. Was totally worth it. Our situation was more complex, with a severely disabled family member.

        There are sometimes independent social workers / elder care case managers that you can hire to help with these transitions and can have good practical advice. I would only choose one with a long tract record, and realize they will get a kick back from the facility the refer you too.

        And I agree that the buy ins at some of these places can be insane. Yes you need to go through the financials well, yet I’m unsure how you do this ….

        What I learned is that the best option to ensure you get attentive care is an independent/assisted living facility where you can add on services as you go. And if more care is required, hire independent care givers on top of that. Nursing Home is last option when money is drained. That’s my area. But your area may be different.

      2. Agree with asking around for recs. You can help your stepdad by doing some of the legwork (collecting brochures etc) and help him think through what he wants/needs. (And help him get started on the necessary declutterring of his house.)

        Nonexhaustive list of things to think about: how much privacy/space does he want? Does he have medical conditions that need monitoring? Should he be on a particular diet (low sodium, diabetic)?

        The definitions of “independent living” versus “assisted living” versus “skilled nursing facility” can vary widely between places, so make sure you’re comparing apples to apples. It’s easy to fixate on price, but there’s a lot more to think about.

        Advice from an elder care veteran: don’t be afraid to make changes if it’s not working. Assisted living was a disaster for my dad —his needs were simply too complex but the assisted living director kept assuring us that her staff could handle it. They could not, and it was a frustrating experience for all involved. He did much better in skilled nursing.

    3. My parents are a bit younger but don’t cook and they love living in a regular apartment community. They have a single story townhouse, so plenty of space but no mobility issues and maintenance free living. They love being able to just call the super for every clogged toilet or broken appliance. TBH maintaining our house has been a huge pain lately and I’m kind of jealous of them!

      1. I look forward to renting again someday in a 55+! I hope it works out that I get to.

      2. How do they eat? Just curious.

        I do know some older folks who eat a simple breakfast at home, and eat out for lunch every day at a local neighborhood place, and have something simple at home for dinner (not really cooking). And some older men literally eat out and our popular neighborhood “diner” 3 times a day!

    4. Apparently some places can’t handle tube feeding. I didn’t realize that this could be an issue. I had thought that you can always have hospice come to you (at home), but if home isn’t your private residence but some sort of facility, apparently it can make a difference and you have to move into a hospice.

      Also, if you assault staff you can be kicked out. Apparently some dementias make that common, even among people without prior assault records.

      There is a lot I don’t know. And a lot I assume but it is very nuanced. At some places, people can drink wine. But some times you aren’t allowed. Sometimes it’s not medically advised. Some places you can’t have your own meds (like Tylenol). “Independent living” seems to have the fewest rules but I am fuzzy on how it’s different than a regular apartment (but it must be different because it’s about twice as much).

      1. Independent living varies, but usually it differs from a normal apartment or senior-specific apartment complex because they offer things like meal plans in a central dining location, community social activities, group outings with a driver, laundry and housekeeping help. Sometimes they bring care providers to the facility so the residents can sign up for appointments (podiatrists, hair stylists or barbers, etc.)

      2. Tube feeding generally requires skilled nursing level care, so independent living and assisted-living can’t have them on site because they don’t have nurses full-time.P

        1. Or you live in Independent/assisted living, and hire privately for management of medical/personal care.

          There is never enough attention in elder care facilities – even Nursing Homes – for patients with complex needs. Avoid them at all costs. If you cannot, at least hire a caregiver to visit the Nursing Home daily to assist.

          1. At least in my state, this wasn’t an option. They had to have a nurse on site who could handle any emergency and replace the tube if it came out or blocked. That wouldn’t be the case in assisted living with a private person, and you also get into issues of whose responsibility is the patient if there’s a private caregiver on site. Unfortunately. We tried this.

          2. I understand. Sometimes there are no options that near family can coordinate. But feeding tubes are not very complicated at all, and with a little teaching and medical care nearby, it can be managed.

            There are folks who manage with Tube Feedings who are young and work!

            But if you are talking about an elderly confused patient with dementia on tube feedings, then that is different and clearly needs 24 hour care. But honestly, I would be asking why there is a tube there at all.

    5. Definitely a CCRC with different levels of care, that way he can age in place. For example, my grandfather lived in one for about 10 years, moving in about a year after my grandmother died. For ~ 9 of those years he lived in a 1 BR apartment and got 7 meals a week at any of the 3 dining facilities, and could buy more meals a la carte if he wanted. Over time, he took advantage of more and more of the services that the place offered (apartment cleaning, on site barbershop, he had someone come cut his toenails for him when he couldn’t bend down anymore, bus service for errands and outings). They also had a great life alert system, which was nice for peace of mind. While he still had to go out to his doctors, everything else was in house: a medical clinic, a pharmacy, PT/OT, a barbershop, a gift store, all meals, a gym, a library, a mail center, plus tons of activities and the associated facilities for those.

      About one year into being there, he broke his hip. When he was released from the hospital, he was put into the assisted living unit for a month or so until he could go back to his apartment. Both when he was in assisted living and back at his apartment, he was able to do all of his PT on site. When he went on hospice, they just moved him into the medical unit.

      The best part of the facility was that it kept him entertained and engaged. My grandmother and most of his friends had already passed, so his social life was entirely family before moving in there. He got involved in a ton of activities, both ongoing things and one offs. He made a bunch of friends. He had this group of fellow widowers that would eat dinner together every night and would have happy hour once a week together.

      1. What about men who aren’t really social? Do they do OK in a communal dining room? My stepdad is a bookish person and seems happy in his own place reading his books (not a library guy). He managed in college OK I guess and at work, but has not had anyone but my mom since retiring decades ago.

        1. So I’d say while my grandmother was alive, at least 90% of his social calendar was hers. He had a few friends he saw, but most of their social circle was my grandmother’s friends and then the husbands would join.

          His facility had the sit down service dining room, but he rarely ate there. He and his friends would eat in the cafeteria style area, whenever I ate there with him I saw plenty of people eating alone.

          You could also take your tray back to your apartment. My grandmother’s best friend lived in the same facility. She had been widowed for over 25 years when she moved in and had gotten so used to eating alone she never ate in the dining room or cafeteria. She’d always go make her tray and come back to eat in her apartment.

          My uncle’s mother was in the sister facility and she never made friends there, never got involved in activities, and also ate alone. She ended up with bad dementia (I’m sure her not getting involved or meeting people was early stages of the dementia, as she was previously quite outgoing) so while my uncle is sad she never got to enjoy other aspects of the facility, the fact that she had full care for about a decade as a dementia patient was priceless for him.

        2. They are usually way more women than men in these places, and the men are usually very popular if they are widowers. He’ll make friends easily!

      2. In my city, the top CCRC is like private school: you need to get on the list the minute you are eligible, like for the 55+ apartments. Then you spend some years on the list and finally you get the chance to promptly pay over six figures, based on the size of your first unit, to get in or your spot goes to the next person. Some % of your fee is refundable when you die / move out. But that keeps the monthly charges pretty flat and predictable until you need a higher level of care. I haven’t seen anyone have a parent in anything but the entry-level units, but it seems that you can live there until the end.

        A different CCRC had financial difficulties, so a bit wary of the concept since that ties up so munch money as to limit your options if the facility becomes troubled.

        1. IIRC, my grandfather was on a waiting list for a few years, but he also had turned down a few units offered to him that he didn’t want. He then had to buy his unit (I forget how much, I want to say maybe 100k in 2008) and then he had a monthly fee that I think was $2k. But, the kicker was that his monthly fee never changed – whether he lived there for 20 years or he died tomorrow, it was the same. If he spent 6 years in the memory care unit or the nursing home unit or he never needed additional care outside of his apartment, it didn’t change. Utilities (cable and internet included), maintenance, 1 meal a day, all of the social and recreational activities, and all of the facilities (gym, pool, putting green, etc) were included in that, but additional services cost extra (a trainer in the gym, getting your hair cut on site, etc). I’m not sure how on site PT/OT and other medical care worked, I assume it was covered through insurance.

          So, his additional expenses were limited to groceries for the other meals a day, outside medical care, toiletries, his car (while he still had it) and then “fun” things.

          1. But as he moved into Assisted living or Memory care, they add on fees for every single need. Help with meds, help with bathing, help getting ready for bed at night, assistance with meals in their room etc… And these fees are very high. They are not included in the 2K.

    6. Regarding the meals: would be be into meal kits or the ready to eat meals that some meal kit companies send? At least it’s not a crazy level of sodium and has some balanced nutrition.

      1. Agree. Meals on Wheels or similar may exist in the OPs town, and he could participate for lunch as his main meal, and make simple things for dinner like soup or a sandwich or sure heat up something in the microwave. That’s ok.

        But OP if you can afford it, of course a facility with Independent/Assisted living is optimal and a very good CCRC is the best.

    7. As much as you want to make decisions, it’s not your call. He’s not your child. At best, you can discuss options with him and help him think through the decision if he is open to that. The infantilization of older adults drives me batty.

      1. I think older adults would be able to be more independent if everything weren’t so app-based. My dad has arthritis in his hands and bad vision. If he still drove, he couldn’t pay for parking in half of the places in my city because it’s iPhone and app based and he barely manages using the iPhone as a phone. But he gave up driving, which is good, but makes him less independent also. My mom handled a lot when she was alive, but that was by phone with elder-friendly doctors they had been with for a long time. Starting up as a new patient anywhere . . . it’s a hassle. This doesn’t even get at the housing piece. My parents had good years, but north of 80, they needed administrative assistance to get anything done.

        1. If he has a handicapped placard or license plate, he wouldn’t have to pay for metered parking in nearly every state. Handicapped parking rules do vary a bit from state to state, but in CA I can park in any green or regular street spot with no payment and no time limit.

          1. That’s good, but honestly none of the older drivers I know who struggle with apps qualify for a handicapped placard.

    8. We use factor for meal delivery and grocery delivery for food. Jubilee tv is a good stand in for video chatting for seniors who have trouble with apps. It lets you set reminders and check in calls from your phone to appear for them.

      We didn’t have the money for assisted living facilities for my parents which is normal for most people. Council on aging usually offers transport for adult day programs if that’s what he needs, they have meals on wheels, and typically a list of qualified home care that isn’t skilled nursing care. Thankfully we were able to qualify for Medicaid with the help of an elder attorney for my grandfather when he needed it.

  4. Does anyone use n*pple covers with a bra that aren’t adhesive? I’ve finally started buying bras that actually fit my large bust (40DDD), but they’re all unlined/not padded, which I’m not used to, and I had an unfortunate realization in the bathroom at work yesterday that I need n*pple covers (it wasn’t clear when I got dressed in my warm house, but in the freezing conference room, it became very clear). The catch is that I’m allergic to adhesives – bandaids give me a rash – so I need something non-adhesive. Any suggestions?

    1. What about those cookies that they used in sports bras / swim wear / Coobie-type bras? I think there are also things called “cutlets” that are not sticky but IIRC they are used to add heft to the girls (so an IBTC lady like me uses them to fill out things like bridesmaid’s dresses vs paying to alter something I’ll wear once).

    2. I do not, but with unlined bras I sometimes resort to an additional camisole or tank that is smoothing.

    3. I’ve seen non-adhesive silicone covers, but never tried them. I’ve used those annoying foam bra inserts on occasion. The kind that are in sports bras and swimsuit tops.

    4. I am a big fan of reusable silicone nipple covers like Nippies. They stick to your breast but don’t contain any adhesives.

    5. Yes, non adhesive nippies brand. I’m larger busted and projected so padded bras don’t fit me. The nippies solve that problem and I can wear all of my unlined bras that fit!

      Full disclosure I only bother for business stuff. The rest of the time, just running around, I figure everyone has nips and people can deal with my slight headlights.

      1. Yes that’s what my nippies are. I bought them from a specialty bra shop but I’ve seen them on Amazon since.

      2. Love Cakes! Nippies with the adhesive hurt when removing but the Cakes are pain free. They stay put with the heat of your body. I use them daily in my workout bras/tops and with dresses or tops that bras don’t work with.

    6. Wear layers or warmer clothes or a cami under your blouse. If you have this problem, your outfits probably are not reading at all professional and skimpy. A blazer or a third piece would solve your problem.

      1. This is a weird comment. My nipples show through everything after breastfeeding a couple babies. It’s not about being cold. You may have flat nipples but not everyone does.

        1. +1. My nipples are always very prominent, and so are my mom’s. It’s how we’re built.

  5. Any suggestions for how to keep a long sit down dinner party interesting/fun? I am planning a several hours dinner at a fancy restaurant to celebrate my best friend’s birthday (her idea). We have a good friend group but when we did this last year, it felt like to me it kind of dragged on towards the end – part of the problem was that we weren’t mingling and everyone could only really talk to the same people they were sitting by. Would it be cheesy to have a couple of ideas if this happens again – I found an easy game where everyone answers questions about the guest of honor and then we see who knows them the best. Thanks in advance for any ideas!

      1. Not really – we do have a private room but it is really just a long table in a small room – not designed to have people moving around. I thought about seeing if people wanted to move seats before dessert but I could see some people not wanting to do that. I can think about that more though…

    1. You need to choose a restaurant with round tables. And otherwise i think some kind of game, table talk cards or something is fine!

    2. If it is not too annoying to the restaurant servers (and even maybe if it is), you might consider switching seats part way through the dinner. That way everyone gets to talk to more people. We did this at a moms dinner for my daughter’s class, and it worked out really well.

    3. Lots of booze?

      Have some natural reason for people to get up. Maybe a coffee station or a dessert bar? I think having an excuse to get out of your seat can help people feel more free to move about, especially in a tight space.

    4. I recommend a switch of the seating arrangements after the entree and before the dessert. It helps liven up the conversation and keep things moving. You don’t need everyone to move – if you have a table of 12, you can ask four people to move and it will automatically reshuffle conversation groups. I organize a lot of client dinners and we always do some variation of this and people are so appreciative of the chance to talk to new folks. The waitstaff should be able to accommodate with new, clean place settings.

      1. I would hate this. I’d opt for a desert station or coffee bar as an excuse for folks to get up and mingle. Maybe have someone give a toast and have folks around the table share a bit. Do this a few different times.

      2. Just commented before I saw this, I’ve always done this too and it’s a great solution.

    5. I’ve thrown a lot of these parties for myself and I break the party up into chunks – standing and mingling for cocktail hour, seated dinner (I do place cards and am very intentional about where people sit) then change it up for dessert – either ask people to move seats or tables or have the restaurant serve dessert like the appetizer hour.

    6. I think it’s always fun to do any kind of tasting. If your group likes wine maybe a half glass suggested by the som of something regional or an unusual pairing. I’ll never order a dessert wine but I do find them interesting when someone pours one for me.

  6. I am shocked that there is a generational resentment regarding housing. The problem is not about people in their 30s vs those in their 60s. The problem is foreign and corporate investments in our neighorhoods. This is what the country wanted and this is what the country is getting. Kamala Harris has a track record of helping families buy homes. We are fortunate to have purchased our home with help of the VA and now we have a 2.5 interest rate. Good luck to anyone who doesn’t and voted for Trump.

    1. I think Kamala didn’t do a great job persuading voters that she would diverge from Biden on this, and people were not happy with Biden’s track record on this.

      1. No political figure has stepped up and said we need to limit foreign buyers of US homes (like many other countries do), limit investor buy up of so much property (much higher taxes?), limit AirB&B, and actually implement more programs to build affordable housing. Many will claim these are local issues. When it is happening everywhere, it isn’t local.

      2. Ha. Kamala isn’t from a place known for plentiful affordable housing. And that 2.5% mortgage rate is likely from 2021-ish, so a factor of the time and not limited to VA loans. The VA loan likely just let you put no money down. FHA lets people put down 3%. Kamala didn’t create either of those options — they predate her.

        1. You’re being ridiculous. Nobody said she invented those. She supports programs like this and supports expanding them. Our current administration feels the opposite.

          1. She is no different than ~50% of the population then. And she wasn’t at all vocal on this, so not even a priority for her, ever, that I can recall.

    2. Eh I think the resentment to older homeowners is a few things combined
      1. They often tell you youths to bootstrap ‘I did it why can’t you’ which is very tone deaf
      2. They refuse to downsize and so we have seniors occupying homes that are way too big for them and that they can’t properly maintain
      3. Lots of older folks have investment properties or second homes/cottages which makes the issue worse.

      1. #1 – agree with you here.

        #2 – downsize in to what?? I think this is unfair in that I read your tone of “refuse” with anger or resentment. They’d be entering the same housing market you and I are competing in and we’ve already established small homes are scarcely available. And if they are they’re generally big fixer-uppers. My parents are average level of fitness 70 year olds who have a paid off home. I don’t think it’s fair to be upset they don’t want to sell, rent or take on a renovation at their age.

        #3 – lots? I think this is a gross overstatement.

        Also, I was a Kamala supporter because I’m an anyone-but-MAGA’er. And I had no idea she had this track record. Perhaps it would have helped some. Probably not enough, but it was not broadcast sufficiently.

        1. +1, I deeply disagree with the notion that the generation senior to you is supposed to be shuffled to some dreadful condo so you can buy a house. Aging in place is the least disruptive option for seniors so they don’t lose their autonomy and social network. If you want to treat your parents like that and ship them to Florida, great, but leave everyone else out of your hatred.

        2. In CA, the property tax system is unfortunately stacked in favor of long-time owners which get taxed on barely inflated purchase prices. The 10% of owners who bought most recently are paying 90% of the property tax revenue. DH and I are very well paid DINKS who didn’t care about school districts and we still heavily leaned on family to buy our first home at over $800k. Now we pay $12k in property tax while a house in the hills worth $5M pays only half that??
          There is definitely some resentment towards those who resist any reform or even cry for further tax cuts on this situation.

          1. California is exhibit A for be careful what you wish for because those policies, coupled with the scarcity of not building enough new housing units of any kind / size, are why so many uHauls leave CA full and come back empty. The math isn’t mathing.

          2. This. Many of my parents’ friends in CA who bought their houses years ago have not moved because their houses are now paid off and their property taxes are very low.

          3. We need property tax reform so badly. There’s so many houses that cost substantially more to service than they pay

          4. The multi million dollar home does not equate their income. Should seniors be punished and pushed out of their houses for tech companies springing up around them and driving up the price?

          5. I explicitly linked it to cost of service rather than value of the home for a reason. But yes if they can’t afford it they should leave.

          6. I bought my house for $800k 20 years ago in California and pay a lot more than you do in property tax. Don’t assume.

          7. I don’t have to assume anything, I can look up on the county website or Zillow what the tax history is for a place and what it sells for.
            I understand that many seniors who were lucky with appreciation of their homes but don’t have large incomes, would have a hard time leaving and buying elsewhere. Except there are laws for them to transfer the tax advantage to another home, and to pass it on to their heirs. And yet, there is still pushback against even reasonable taxation of massively appreciated houses when the heirs sell. And pushback against building more housing.

          8. People in CA benefitting from having had their taxes frozen for decades have a valuable asset they can get a reverse mortgage for and borrow against if they had to pay fair value in property taxes. Or they could sell and move. I’m not sure that we need to have poorer people in CA subsidizing wealthier people like that. It’s a regressive tax at this point.

          9. Sigh. Property taxes are just one of many taxes people pay and it actually keeps CA in the more reasonable range for COL. I’m sorry you’re too young to buy a house still, but CA property taxes aren’t the problem.

          10. I own a home that I pay outsized taxes on to subsidize selfish seniors thank you very much.

      2. I would LOVE to buy a nice 3bed/2bath ranch in my area or even a townhouse with an elevator once my kids are out of the house. The issue is that builders are only building McMansions right up to the edge of property lines and are knocking down capes/ranches to do it. I don’t blame the owners for selling to developers for a bigger check but I really wish there was more diversity in the housing stock. Smaller houses in my suburb are becoming rare and sell quickly so there aren’t a lot of homes for older owners to downsize to OR for younger buyers to purchase.

      3. “Refuse to downsize”?? That makes about as much sense as saying young people refuse to pay their dues.

        I am in my late 50s. I bought my house in California in 1999 and it has increased around $900,000 in value. It would be a great starter house for a young family. BUT I would lose around 8-10% of the value to the costs of a sale plus getting hit with capital gains taxes for the gains over $250K (I am single). I do not want to leave the VHCOL city I currently live in (and really can’t since my job, my elderly parents and my adult daughter all live here). So the financial calculus just does not make sense. I am not sitting her maliciously rubbing my hands together and laughing like some Disney villain. I am making the best financial decision for my life.

        As Baby Boomers die or move to assisted living, the housing stock should improve but that will not fix the issues of corporate ownership or the construction of mega-mansions on lots that could otherwise support 2-3 houses.

        1. +1. I live on a street with a lot of 3br/2bath, 1500-sf ranch homes, in a MCOL area in the SEUS. The houses were built in the late 70s and early 80s, and many are still occupied by their original (Boomer) owners who bought them in their 20s.
          – There’s nowhere in our area for these Boomers to “downsize” to. They’re not in McMansions, they’ve spent their lives in what we now consider “starter” homes. Their kids and grandkids live nearby, they go to church down the street, they know each other well.
          – Some of these homes are going up for sale. But they’re on the market for around $400K, which is more than “starter home” money in our area (median HHI of $63K, outside a city with median HHI of $51K). On top of that, many of today’s buyers would say they need updating–and some really, really do. One is listed without photos, and another with photos has no flooring at all, just the concrete slab, and literally the ugliest kitchen I have ever seen in any real estate listing.
          – So builders buy these homes, tear them down, build McMansions to the edge of the lot, and sell them for $850K.
          – I suppose the street could be re-zoned for town homes. We’re adjacent to an apartment complex, and several nearby streets are zoned for doubles. But even new townhomes in our area are selling for $700K+ because the builders just build the same square footage over multiple floors and put in the same high-end finishes.
          – FWIW, there are very few properties in my county owned by corporate or foreign investors.

      4. Like someone else mentioned, it doesn’t make financial sense for my parents to move out of their too big now house to downsize.

        It’s paid off, they maintain it well, and even if they did sell, it’s not a starter home at ~$900k now (up ~$600k from purchase in 1987). The communities they did look in had nothing under $600k for them to downsize into. Why would they downsize in this situation?! I think this is an unfair take.

        1. Condos.
          With elevators and indoor parking.
          Accessible buildings.

          Most of the seniors on my block didn’t downside when they were healthy enough to manage. I was surprised a bit, as many are pretty savvy. Accidents/medical situations led to the downsizing, and was rarely as they wanted. Very stressful.

          1. Honestly, renting apartments is often even better, so you can call someone else to fix the toilet etc..

    3. “The problem is foreign and corporate investments in our neighorhoods. ”
      The funny thing is that in the EU both are usually from the States.

      1. The only available home for 5+ years in my neighborhood is being gutted and flipped by foreign investors. My nosy neighbor and I looked up the owner’s other properties and they are all the same. Crappy rentals cheaply subdivided from beautiful old houses, rebuilt with bottom of the line Home Depot quality materials.

        They’re increasing housing supply I guess, but not increasing home ownership.

    4. Fundamentally, a huge part of the problem is lack of supply (low + subsidized interest rates might help some families, but as long as demand is so much bigger than supply, it will also drive up prices)

      I don’t necessarily resent older generations for wanting to age in place but I absolutely resent them for continually voting against anything that would increase supply.

      1. The main thing I remember from poli sci is survey data that old people only support policies and programs that directly benefit them, but middle-aged people support policies and programs that benefit everyone.

        1. I’m young Gen-X and horrified at how the affluent of my generation is pulling the ladder up behind them with as much enthusiasm as the boomer generation before them. Which generation will break that cycle and will it be within my lifetime? Seems doubtful.

      2. Foreign and corporate investors are adding substantially to demand and thereby driving up prices.

        1. I’d be willing to be convinced I’m wrong since I’m certainly no economist

          but I think investors buy so many houses /because/ they know the returns will be great, because of the supply/demand imbalance. If there were more housing overall, houses wouldn’t be such an attractive investment, and even if investors /did/ buy them, they’d have to rent them out at more reasonable rates (bc there would be actual competition in the rental market, because there’s now adequate supply in my hypothetical world)

          1. They don’t always care about the houses or about renting them out (too often, the investment is the land and the house becomes a rotting eyesore).

          2. Yes, this. Plus, they’re actually filling a real need in a lot of markets for decent rental housing. I say this as someone who has moved frequently and therefore rented for most of my life, including from Invitation Homes, which at the time was owned by Blackstone. They were better than most of my landlords. If you want cheaper housing, build more housing. Renters need a place to live too.

    5. The issue is proximity and a feeling of control or actual influence. You can’t change what foreign investors do, but you feel like I can change what people in the local market do. Whether that’s true is a separate issue, but it’s much easier to point fingers at people you think you can influence.

      Separately, if you’re in your 30s, you hear judgement your grandparents and your parents about why you haven’t bought a house. This is even more pronounced if you moved from LCOL or MCOL to HCOL or VHCOL.

      My parents and my in-laws think there’s something wrong with us that we’re still renting. We’re not really “adults” because real adults buy houses. Our jobs can’t be that good if we can’t afford a house. If only we bought a house, then we would have children!

      We’re thick-skinned, know all of the reasons why we haven’t bought a house, and secure in our decision to continue renting, but it’s annoying to answer questions about it at every family gathering, particularly when my younger siblings who stayed in LCOL/MCOL areas bought houses already (and of course, both have kids, so it’s not just about the house!).

    6. I think the fundamental problem is a lack of supply, and the reasons for that are complex and not limited to foreign investment. Ezra Klein has talked a lot about it on his podcast and I think is publishing a book about this. Democrats definitely shoulder some of the blame, but this has been building for way longer than one administration.

      As someone who is pushing 50, I am guessing that the generational anger and disconnect comes from the fact that those of us who are older may have been able to buy either before the supply shortage got so bad and/or when interest rates were much lower. So while we didn’t necessarily personally cause this problem and many of us care about fixing it, it isn’t directly impacting many of us as much.

      For context, I live in an apartment that we bought right when I turned 40, and I don’t ever expect to be able to afford a freestanding house where I live, but I’m in NYC where this is the norm.

      1. Many places in Canada have banned foreign investment and guess what that didn’t change things

        1. Is Canada putting up housing at the speed of Texas then? Or at the speed of California? Y’all have plenty of space up there, so IDK why supply doesn’t expand to meet the demand for it. CA homes on TV always seem so insanely pricey to me, and I’m from outside of NYC.

    7. My parents have a big house (3000+ sq ft) and it means we visit them a lot, because it’s comfortable for us to do so! My sister can stay at the same time and there’s room for us all. Compare this with my in-laws, who have one bathroom for the house and we haven’t slept over in years (we spend the day with them and then drive the 1.5 hours to sleep at my parents’ house). My parents host the family holidays, and we sleep over all together on Christmas Eve.

      So that’s another good reason for family-focused boomers to keep their big houses. My kids are super close with them because of all the time we spend together, hanging out their house.

      1. My last child heads off to college soon. I must say it never occurred to me that I have a moral obligation to sell my house to make room for someone younger (and I most definitely lean to the left).

    8. I’m shocked that you’re shocked there’s resentment towards a generation that had cheap college, cheap houses, and pulled up the ladder behind them.

      1. Yep my grandparents voted for the ladder pulling they are responsible for this mess! (They also had over 10 investment properties at one point, barf).

        1. Why the barf? Renters gotta rent from someone. SF houses are often rented by humans vs corporate landlords (at least before Invitation Homes, etc.). And human landlords can be better (and worse) than corporate landlords, at least mine were. Not everyone wants to own a house, at least at some points in our lives. Outside of NYC/SF where there are shortages to the point where desperate people take anything, I think it’s a business like any other. If they had 10 used car lots, would you be such a hater? Or 10 restaurants? Or 10 dental offices?

          1. Seriously. Consider yourself lucky your family had resources and you have some generational wealth.

          2. I don’t have generational wealth because my grandparents are selfish (how they got their money is how they keep it). I’ve paid for 100% of my own education, home etc.

      2. Exactly. I take issue with the people who think older people are obligated to move out of their communities into nonexistent affordable senior housing (which is its own issue), but I absolutely get the resentment toward the people who refused allow more housing to get built and don’t understand how much the increase in housing costs constrains younger people’s choices. How could there not be resentment?

        1. This. It’s also so hard to grapple with how much money older folks where I live have made on their very regular middle class homes. I don’t think the economy was designed for this. Everyone loves that their three two split on a half an acre is worth a million bucks now and building more housing would deflate that. At the same time theyre mad their kids can’t afford to live here.

        2. Funny you think older homeowners have any say in whether housing gets built. That has to do with investors and local governments.

          1. Unless they continue to vote against changes to local zoning laws that would increase the local housing supply because they like that half acre single family zoning keeps inventory low and makes their homes more valuable.

            The baby boomer distain for mix use development is frustrating. They equate any walkable neighborhood development with the ugliest parts of the outer boroughs and worse, decry it as a threat to our community. My first house, in a neighborhood single family homes on tiny lots and low rise multi family buildings, was a mere block from where my own grandfather had grown up. The idea of living in a smaller home, or a duplex or multi family, within walking distance of your kid’s school and shopping is not radical; it’s traditional and it predates suburban sprawl. They just fight everything that hurts their incredibly lucrative real estate interests.

  7. How do you keep track of all of your favorite restaurants? (Yelp? Google maps? Something else?) Trying to figure out an alternative to just making a list in Notes since it’s getting long and unwieldy.

    1. I’ve created a “restaurants and coffee shops” guide in maps (I use Apple maps), since it helps me to visually be reminded in relation to what part of the city I’m going to be in.

    2. It has quite literally never crossed my mind to keep track of my favorite restaurants in any way except mentally??

    3. I use Yelp to save restaurants I want to try but yeah favorites I mostly just keep in my head. Occasionally will write a yelp review if it was really amazing and I think I might forget it for some reason.

    4. I think it’s more important to keep track of restaurants I don’t like. I save them in my contacts and in the notes write AVOID and why

  8. Here’s another elder care issue:
    I am told that some part of rehab stays and assisted living can be considered a health care expense for tax purposes. Is there some phrase I need to use to ask for this? I’m getting unreturned e-mails and non-helpful responses. I would think that this would come up so often for private-pay clients that this would be automatic, like 1099s. But it is not for two different facilities.
    For hospice, can I assume that 100% of that is medical? Or do I need to get that from them, also?
    This is on top of tracking down 1099s for mutual funds, seeing if RMDs were done, and doing a final joint income tax return with a surviving spouse who wasn’t the one who handled finances.

    1. Usually Rehab stays and Hospice are covered by Medicare/health insurance. Very rarely do people private pay, so I’m unsure what you mean. Of course any co-pays and uncovered medical expenses can be itemized for possible tax deductions. There are tons of things that are not covered by insurance that we would deduct every year – all of the disposable medical supplies, supplements, bathroom equipment or PT equipment that insurance didn’t cover etc.. It would take me many hours every year to gather all the expenses to itemize.

      The Assisted Living deductible charges are trickier. You should try calling the facility directly and ask to speak to the highest manager you can. Ask you are interested in determining whether any of your loved one’s stay met criteria for being tax deductible. Is there anyone who can help?

      People will ignore emails. Just call.

      https://www.payingforseniorcare.com/guide-to-assisted-living-tax-deductions

      Did the individual need help with at least 2 ADLs daily for 90 days or more? Was this documented? If so then you may be able to deduct a lot of their assisted living expenses, because living there was medically necessary.

      No, I’ve never heard about a rehab facility/hospice/assisted living sending specific documentation automatically to help with this. All up to you.

      You could also touch base with a local elder care attorney for advice.

      1. The home usually prepares a letter to all residents in the early part of the year stating which amount for the previous tax year to consider a medical (deductible) expense. You (or your relative) should receive such a letter in the next month or two.

        (I do personal bookkeeping and tax prep for elderly folks)

  9. I bought a new car this week. New to me, anyway. I bought a color that I consider beautiful.

    My dad just asked me “I guess they only made it in one color?” Called it “fancy” and “flashy.” This is a used car of the Toyota/Honda variety, not a Maserati or even a BMW.

    My other male relatives will probably pile on. That’s what they do. How can I respond?

    1. Treat everything as a compliment, with extra enthusiasm. Don’t let them yuck your yum!

      Dad says “I guess they only made it in one color?” you say “lucky me, this is the color I wanted!”

      Someone says wow, that’s fancy? You say I know! I’m so lucky to drive it!

      And hey, congratulations on the new car!

    2. Oh, I’m sorry, did the car color offend your sense of masculinity? Because last I checked, it’s my money and cars come in more colors than just ‘boring’.

    3. This is a great opportunity to gray rock. Just say “okay” or don’t react. Who cares what they think?

    4. I would not respond. If they continue to be annoying, get in that awesome car and drive it away.

    5. Isn’t it great? I am so happy to have something I can find in the parking lot.

  10. What are our opinions of gifts that require the recipient to do an extra (expensive) thing? This has now happened to me more than once so I’m wondering if I’m the AH here. Two examples:
    1. A friend got me one of those scratch off world maps to track my adventures. It is not framed and it’s a non-standard size nowhere close to any standard sizes. I thanked her of course but I’ve kept it rolled up in its box. Friend is offended I haven’t gotten it framed. I got a quote from Michael’s and even in the cheapest frame possible and with a discount, it would cost hundreds to frame. The place she ordered it from had the option to buy a framed version (for $100 more) but she picked the poster-only option which I don’t blame her ($35 I think). Basically, it would cost me less to order a completely new, framed poster; and even if she thought a frame cost $100, that’s still more than the gift! Am I wrong that it’s bonkers to think I would spend more to display her gift in the way she prefers than she spent to give it to me? I didn’t complain about the lack of frame, I’m happy to keep it rolled up in the box!
    2. My husband got me some of those paint by number canvases, but they’re not already stretched onto a canvas frame, they’re just rolled up raw canvases. They’re also very nice and meaningful to us and he would like them to be displayed in the house when I’m finished with them. I sometimes get unstretched paint by numbers because I just throw them out when I’m done, but if we’re going to keep it then it needs to be stretched before I paint on it (or the paint will chip off). I went with him (again to Michael’s) to get them stretched on a frame. It’s only like $25 ea. When time came to pay he just looked at me like he expected me to pay (from my money not joint funds). When I asked if he was going to pay he pulled out the joint funds card. It’s not a lot of money but I’m a little miffed. Don’t make me pay for my own gifts, that’s why we have separate money!

      1. Yes, they are both rude, but I find the OP’s reaction a little odd too, insinuating that no extra effort need go into a gift. I get plants as a gift often, and it’s a perpetual chore for me, and sometimes I need to buy extra accessories (like a plant hanger, or a coaster), but it doesn’t bother me, same with gift cards to restaurants I haven’t been to. It’s ok if a gift is incomplete.

        1. I guess I phrased it weirdly. The painting kits require extra steps but that’s the whole point of the gift! He knows I like paint by numbers, it’s a thoughtful gift. It was making me pay for framing that annoyed me, not the fact that I’ll paint it.

    1. The friend having an opinion on whether you frame her gift or not is weird, I’m with you.

      But I have bought my husband unframed things because I want to be sure he likes them before I also buy a specific frame. I trust him to be honest, and if he does then I eventually get around to ordering a frame. All our money is joint, though.

      Another example that gets me is when people give you a gift card that requires you to also add more money for the full experience. Like a gift card to a fancy restaurant for $100 or less. Or $25 to a spa.

      1. My husband and I got a $200 gift card to a very fancy restaurant (tasting menu place) for our wedding and while it was a very generous gift that was well above average in terms of the gifts we received (most of our friends were poor students at the time), we had to spend more than $200 of our own money to use it. I’ve always thought that was so odd. It was a good meal but not a place we would have chosen to spend $200, which was a LOT to us at the time.

        1. That’s literally the experience I was thinking of, lol. We also had poor friends and five of them combined to get us a $150 gift certificate to a nice restaurant. We went, had a bottle of wine, split an app, each had an entree and then split a dessert and it cost us at least $75 more than the gc (plus tip).

          Yes, without the extras we would’ve come in “under budget”, but i don’t think we went overboard for a wedding gift dinner! I always try to include enough for drinks and food beyond just the entrees if I’m giving…even if that means picking a cheaper place

          1. I think if you can come in under budget without extras like alcohol it’s ok though not ideal. But at a tasting menu place like the one we got a gift card to, we literally couldn’t have visited the restaurant without spending $200+ of our own money and it was very frustrating because either we threw away a very substantial gift card or we spent a lot of our own money, neither of which seemed like good options (in hindsight, maybe we should have tried to sell the gift card, but that didn’t occur to us).

    2. Oooof. Very frustrating. I’ve received gift cards for a spa that weren’t enough to cover the cost of any services … thoughtful and generous, but it took me awhile to use them because it meant money from my pocket (very empty at the time) to be able to cover the rest of the cost plus a tip.

      I know you did not ask for this, but if you DID want to display your poster, you could look in to a “poster hanger” … it’s a much less expensive alternative to framing. The “original” comes in different sizes – perhaps one will work for you. You could also DIY something pretty simple. For the record, only if YOU want to. I would not do this just to appease your friend who has no business having any opinions about what you do an do not display in your home!

    3. while I don’t think the expectation that every gift should be 100% self-sufficient is reasonable, I do think your friend and husband are being rude here.

      FWIW, have you tried Framebridge if you like the map and want to display it? Their whole deal is custom framing at a fixed price – for a medium size thing for their standard frames (which is plenty to choose from) it’s $125.

      Or heck, if you have a corkboard, just put it up with pins!

      1. Thank you I hadn’t heard of that service! I like the cork board idea too. It’s a pretty big map, it would have to be a big cork board. I’ll price it out to see which option is cheaper. As an aside, it’s also a bit hard to find enough wall space for something this large, but I can figure that out.

        1. Honestly, if you don’t want to put it up, don’t put it up. Permission to put it into the donate box. Friend doesn’t get to make your decorating decisions for you! And if she’s cheeky/bold/pushy enough to make comments, she gets to hear, “I just couldn’t make it work for me, but I love that you thought of it for me.”

          If you do want to put it up, but don’t want to frame it or have it as part of your decor, a bulletin board works, as does a magnetic white board — or push pins straight into the sheetrock and hang it in the garage or laundry room.

          Husband and canvases? That sounds like it might be more of a marriage and a my money/our money/your money dynamic.

        2. I was thinking that I might just get a poster hanger (should cost closer to $10 than $100!).

      2. Big frames can get very expensive very, very fast; I learned this the hard way in art school. God forbid you make something larger than the standard size that mattboard and plexiglass come in.

        Your friend is being rude; even expecting you to display the poster is pushing it in my opinion. You aren’t obligated to like her gift. I would certainly not pay to professionally frame a scratch-off poster. You could see if it would be less expensive to get it dry mounted to foamcore and hang that with L-pins, or DIY that – cut a piece of foamcore to the size of the poster, then glue the poster to then foamcore with spray adhesive. (Do NOT use spray adhesive inside, protect the surface you are spraying on, and practice with scrap paper before you try it on the poster; it can be a real PITA). Or you could buy a poster frame that is larger than the poster and float it in the middle of the backing board–center it so it isn’t touching any of the edges–using something like glue dots in the corners. The poster itself is likely not acid-free, so don’t kill yourself trying to use archival quality adhesives. Or just push pin the poster to the wall and call it a day.

        I don’t really get keeping marital money seperate, so I am less miffed by your husband, but given how you have things set up I can see why it bothers you.

    4. I feel like giving a gift that would require the recipient to shell out more money is pretty clueless. Your friend being upset you hadn’t framed her unsolicited large decorative item and hang it in your space? That’s the rude part. Once you give a gift, you are no longer entitled to say what happens with it.

    5. I know this isn’t your question, but try arttoframe dot com. I have gotten several custom size frames from them and I’ve been pleased.

      1. This is cheaper than professional framing but still not cheap. I’ve spent $150+ on frames from them.

    6. I don’t understand how a scratch-off poster would be useable if professionally framed. The only frames you can open up are the cheap kind.

      1. Lots of framed artwork doesn’t have glass on the front. In fact, it would be really weird to have glass on a painting. So you would just scratch it off without taking it out of the frame

    7. I got a scratch off map that I put in a large, colorful mat and hung on the wall. It doesn’t look like professional framing, but I think it looks ok, and a mat is MUCH cheaper than frame.

    8. Framing stuff is a huge pain in the neck. I think they mean completely well, but people don’t realize how difficult/expensive it can be to frame things.

      The other size of this is that people often get me jigsaw puzzles as gifts. It’s pretty great – but I’m a slow puzzler. So I love having all these puzzles but it will take some time before I get to yours!

      1. Also, LaVie on Amazon has a lot of unusually sized frames. I’ve learned that when trying to frame puzzles that are not always a standard size.

    9. Once you give a gift to someone it’s theirs to use as they choose. Neither of them should give input into how a gift is used. (I have used ikea to get cheaper odd size frames if that’s an option for you).

      I have also given and received gift cards to services like spas or travel that didn’t cover the cost. I just think of those things as contributions to a thing I would enjoy. And that’s because I would prefer people not buy me things because I don’t need more things.

  11. Maybe I’m just being a hater, but why do people say/write Yikes! all the time? It grates on me more than it should.

    1. Yikes for me is usually short hand for ‘wow you’re a terrible person’ or ‘oh my you are completely unhinged’ which you can’t really say, so yikes it is.

      1. For me, it is either this ^ or it’s a totally benign exclamation more akin to “how silly!”

      2. I use it for “that’s a lot and you should know it, but I’m not unpacking all that right now”

    2. I honestly don’t get the problem. I say Yikes all the time. I don’t curse (aside from maybe five times a year when it REALLY calls for it), though, and people writing and saying the F word really grates on me. I guess Yikes and all those other 1950s exclamations are my substitute

    3. “Yikes” is an exclamation expressing shock or alarm, often used to convey humor.

      Hope this helps!

    4. I am the same but I fully admit it is because my mom uses this phrase as a midwestern way to express judgement and disapproval in a way that she thinks is cute.

        1. I don’t understand how it’s passive aggressive. There’s no subtext and no possible neutral or favorable reading of “yikes.”

    5. Haha I use it all the time. Especially when something is kind of shocking but I don’t really want to engage more or express more of an opinion. Like my mom will send me something from the news (usually something Trump said) even though me and my mom have the same thoughts politically she likes to discuss politics more than I do. So sometimes I just respond with Yikes!

      1. That’s a really Offensive dismissive response. I would’ve expected better from you

  12. Food idea needed! Work is having a chili and dessert contest. I entered dessert. I do not care to win.
    – need 100 servings
    – not cookie, cake, bars (too many of those entries already)
    – my kids (age 8 and 10, with me every other week) want to help, which means I need to be able to make it at least 4 days ahead
    – stored at fridge or room temp, can’t guarantee freezer space
    – must be homemade but I have no qualms about pre-made ingredients that we cut or Assemble
    – serving size – picture a large disposable/plastic salad dressing cup, lid optional.

    I actually want to participate to help our beleaguered culture committee, but I do not care about winning. Fun with my kids+easy is high priority! TIA!

    1. Fudge. There are lots of easy recipes online and you can make a large batch that can be divided up into small pieces that add up to 100 pretty easily.

    2. Chocolate covered pretzels, possibly with mini m&ms or sprinkles?
      Or chocolate covered strawberries?

    3. How about banana pudding? Make it in a giant tray, stick it in the fridge and I think you’re good to go.

    4. This sounds like an awful event. I don’t blame you if you opt out, but if you want to do something low effort, make brownies. I make the One Bowl Brownies on the Baker’s Unsweetened Chocolate label and everyone loves them.

    5. I say this as a very-good amateur baker: for 100 servings, you need easy. If you’re ruling out bar cookies, I second the recommendation for fudge or a chocolate bark covered with dried fruits/nuts. You think 100 servings is easy; it is not. You do not/not want to make 100 individual things, whether it’s cookies or cupcakes. You want to minimize your work.

      P.S. David Leibovitz’s chocolate-covered caramelized matzoh would also work, because it’s easy to break it into small pieces.

    6. You’d need to make multiple pans, but some version of eclair cake would be perfect for this: make up instant pudding in advance with the kids, assemble the graham crackers and pudding the night before.

      Otherwise, you could do something in the candy space like muddy buddies or bourbon balls/peanut butter balls/martha Washington candy that make a ton and just need to be rolled — perfect activity for kids.

  13. Okay, this is a red-letter day here at Chateau Senior Attorney. First of all, we solved a tax issue that has been bugging me for literally years with a 15-minute phone call to Hubby’s accountant. Second and most important, I finally made a batch of English muffins with all the nooks and crannies my heart could desire. (And it only took three days total elapsed time: https://www.kingarthurbaking.com/recipes/artisan-english-muffins-recipe )

    Anybody else have good news to share? W

    1. You’re killing it sa! I’ve been setting up friend dates. Just met a new friend for a drink and I think we might be running buddies this summer. Shout out to everyone putting themselves out there.

    2. I had an all clear mammogram!

      Also was able to donate a bunch of toys my kids have outgrown to a teacher who is so excited to have them for her classroom; the whole thing warmed my heart.

      Your muffins sound delicious. Please update if they were worth 3 days of effort!

      1. They were TOTALLY worth the 3 days, the two kinds of flour, the sourdough starter, and the (I kid you not) toasted cornmeal. I am never going back. And big hugs on your good news!

    3. This week was rough, but I finally got my frame tv and got it hung and having art rotating constantly is so soothing and delightful.

    4. I’ve been trying to change my address on one of my brokerage accounts for almost 3 years. I failed the security test they gave me over the phone (who remembers the model of their car from 20 years ago?? or the address of their college dorm room???) which apparently locked my account. I contacted my broker and they never got back to me. I finally decided to give it another try and voila! No security test, they just changed it!!

      1. My win last week was finally getting access to one of my airline miles accounts. Still have an old 401(K) with a teeny amount in it to go….

  14. This is very specific, but I’m a UK rette and finished watching the Traitors tv show yesterday. To provide a very brief summary, there was a lot of nasty behaviour and ganging up on a certain few individuals who had committed no sin other than being extremely nice, highly educated professionals in a deeply class-divided society. When the show concluded yesterday, there were explicit excuses made by the host and the impacted contestants to minimise the bad behaviour.

    This has made me so very sad, as someone who has experienced and has tried to protect friends and strangers from relentless bullying (and all of us have attempted s***ide multiple times due to that) and not received any support from authorities/peers who were more concerned with “being able to understand the others’ side”.

    I know it’s a TV show, but not only were there real humans impacted, but also the outcome of the TV show has sent a message to UK society that being mean pays off really well and it’s ok to bully others and join on the mauling herd.

    I felt this strongly if not more in the fallout of the 6th January siege and DJT getting away with it all during the impeachment trial. A TV show definitely pales in relation, though. Have you ever seen or been through something that really made you despair for this world?

    1. This is why I don’t watch many competition shows. It’s not entertaining to me to watch bad behavior get rewarded. I need brain candy especially now. Great British baking show ftw. I know it’s a competition but everyone is so nice. Why are other shows haven’t caught on and followers a similar feel, idk.

    2. A local community activist and prominent citizen in my old community had enough and committed suicide yesterday, having had enough of the cruelty. Check on your people, folks. She was an amazing person and walked the walk.
      Things will get worse before they get better. If they get better. Take care of each other. The drawback to education, empathy and experience is that we know what is most likely to happen in the world if this keeps on, but there isn’t a whole lot we can do about it – or others who listen.

  15. I’m looking for a pillow that will help me sleep on my back. I start the night sleeping on my back but inevitably end up on my side. Lately, the arm that is on top when I side sleep has been getting numb, I think from poor circulation. Is there a type of pillow that will help me stay on my back?

    1. Not exactly, but a pregnancy pillow could help you side sleep more comfortably. It’s a big U shaped pillow with a cutout for your bottom arm on one side. Your top arm and leg can rest on the pillow so they’re supported better.

  16. I know there are sometimes asks for travel clothes here so thought I would drop it before I forget –

    My new go-to are the Amazon brand COPYLEAF Women’s Flare Yoga Pants with Pockets-V Crossover High Waisted Bootcut Yoga Leggings-Flare Workout Gym Leggings.

    I travel regularly for work for 10+ hr flights. These are comfortable, good for a range of temperatures, have pockets, and if a coworkers sees me wearing these or worst case my luggage gets lost or something, they are presentable. They would also work for yoga, light hiking etc.

    They’re also pretty cheap. I have multiple colors. I’m a size 10/12 pant and I wear a Medium.

    1. Any chance these are a dupe of a non-Amazon brand? I’m not interested in sending my money to fascist oligarchs.

      1. According to google … the Athleta Elation, although those don’t seem to have pockets, and the Quince Ultra High Rise, which are themselves dupes of a Lululemon version.

        1. I can tell you the Quince ultra high rise are not the same.

          I bought these a while back – I understand peoples reservations but thought I would share the option and people could decide for themselves.

  17. Where are we getting lingerie that’s not tacky? I’ve been looking at Adore Me and Nordstrom but would like some other options. I’m a 36DDD so need “full bust” options but not plus sizes, also not trying to spend a small fortune, so >$100 for items would be nice.

    1. I think you mean <$100. If so, try Avid Love. I’ve been really pleased with the quality.

      For reference, I’m a size 14 in j crew, need either an XL or 2XL in their sizes, but have been happy with the fit once I removed the size tags.

      1. “have been happy with the fit once I removed the size tags”
        Psst. Others can read what you post here. They don’t need to be body shamed.

    2. Try M&S online from the UK. They have a range of ‘nice’ underwear by Rosie but there are lots of options with matching and coordinating sets in lots of sizes including your stated size.

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