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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 261 Comments · by

Wednesday’s TPS Report: Gathered Print Sheath Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS)· Under $150

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Donna Morgan Gathered Print Sheath DressIn the “around $100” category for dresses, I've always had good luck with Donna Morgan dresses — they're fitted but not skin tight, and they've always been good for my curves. This colorful sheath dress looks like a fun addition to the summer working wardrobe. It's $118 at Nordstrom, available in sizes 2-16. Donna Morgan Gathered Print Sheath Dress Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)  

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Comments

    • Ellen

      I agree! I will go to Nordstrom’s with my MOM and mabye she will get one for me and one for Rosa! Rosa ready to go any day now. Mom says we should plan on goeing up to Mount Kisko and stayeing over starting tomorow, but I cannot b/c this is my first day back, and there is a MAJOR LOAD of paper’s that MUST be answered by ME this week. So mabye if she could wait until Friday MORNING, then we could go TOGETHER, and stop in NORDSTROM’s on the way there. I will ask her, and hope Rosa hold’s out. They do NOT want to let her go to far over, but will INDUCE delivery with an epeidural (gross). I want a baby but NOT an epeidural. FOOEY!

      Last nite Myrna’s uncle invited a guy over Robert, and he was there sitteng next to me. He was worse than Myrna’s uncle b/c he kept looking at me, not the passover seder book, so every time it was TIME for him to read, he leaned over and asked me what page we were on. He had very FISHY breathe and had shaven his head. I was nice to him but wished he had eaten some breathe mints, not gefillte fish with HORSE radish. He asked me in front of EVERYBODY if he could call me and I could NOT say no in front of everyone so I had to give my NUMBER to him, and he already TEXTED me hi. I do NOT know what he does for work, but he live’s in upper manhattan somewhere. Myrna say’s I should give him a chance b/c her uncle said we could be a match. I said I would but keep thinkeing about his fishy breathe. I rembember when Alan would drink and his breathe also smelled very funny the next day. I do NOT want to wake up to that every day. FOOEY!

  2. anon time

    ladies, do you any of you have experience with IBS? how did you get it diagnosed? and how do you treat it?
    im constantly bloated and/or constipated and i am not sure where to start to get help.

    • anonforthis

      I went to my GP (or your family doctor). I described my symptoms and he thought it was IBS, but he sent me to a GI doctor just to make sure it wasn’t something more severe like ulcerative colitis or crones (I had a few more symptoms—that were gross). They just told me to take Citrucel to regulate things which did help. The Citrucel should give you immediate (gentle) relief from the constipation and bloating. I would not take stool softeners as they come on suddenly and painfully (like you will have less than 2 minutes to find a bathroom).

      The thing that helped the most is not drinking alcohol. I barely drink anymore and my stomach is a LOT calmer. Also, I’m sensitive to gluten (super bloated whenever I eat it), so I avoid it more.

      • Wannabe Runner

        Cutting out alcohol cured a lot of my digestive problems, too. Ever heard of the “beer s**ts”? I had. Turns out it’s real.

    • anon

      If you think it may be food sensitivities, rather than a broader medical problem, I really recommend the Remove Cleanse. I was having a lot of digestive issues, and after countless poking and proding by doctorrs — I don’t have celiac disease, but tested for gluten sensitivity, was diagnosed with and did the long treatment for h.pylori, which didn’t help my symptoms at all — I did the remove cleanse and then gradually re-introduced foods back into my system to see what bothers me. Turns out my body just really doesn’t like red meat, nightshades, and gluten. My stomach problems are totally fixed as long as I stay away from those foods, and I lost some weight in the process.

    • Coalea

      I have IBS, although with a completely different symptom set. Unfortunately, IBS is what they call a “diagnosis of exclusion,” meaning that there isn’t a quick and easy test for it. I would start with your PCP, who can let you know if a specialist is warranted – and who can advise you on how to relieve your symptoms. Also, pay close attention to anything that might be triggering your symptoms (foods, alcohol, stress, etc.) and do what you can to minimize them. Hang in there!

    • Anon for this also

      I have a form of IBS with similar symptoms. I’ve seen I think three GI specialists over the years but finally found one I think I like. Under supervision, I take daily medication but I have to rotate the meds every 6 months/year or so, because my system grows resilient to them. I was on a daily otc non-stimulant laxative for about a year, now I take a daily prescription (amitiza) and an otc gentle stool softener. Honestly, you just have to find what works for you and unfortunately, while we can share experiences, no one here can tell you what will work for you. To play that out a bit and compare myself to previous commenters, I actually found (and my doctor backed me up on this), a little alcohol helps my system immensely, but too much fiber (i.e. citrucel or any fiber additive to a drink) actually makes my bloating significantly worse and more painful. I will say, while I do still occasionally experience symptoms if i eat particularly badly or even if I eat well but am super-stressed, I”m much happier that my symptoms are generally under control, and it was worth all the doctor appointments, and getting over the discomfort of talking to someone about this. Good luck and feel better.

    • Kanye East

      Whether your first doctor visit is to a GP or a gastro, keep a food diary for at least two weeks beforehand–everything you eat, what time you ate it, the nature and onset time of your symptoms–and bring it with you. It’s going to give your doctor more of a history to work with, and (I hate that this needs to be said, but it does) it’s probably going to make your doctor take your suffering more seriously.

    • Parfait

      google “low FODMAP diet.” Eliminate all the categories for a couple weeks and then start adding things back in to see which items are particularly challenging for you. My IBS symptoms improved tremendously, and while having weird dietary restrictions is annoying, not being in gastric pain all the time is wonderful.

      Do see your doctor and/or a gastroenterologist, but don’t expect them to have much of a clue about diet.

  3. NOLA

    Calling Petunia! – I finally got to go through mail last night and it turns out I got an announcement about DSW in Elmwood. It’s opening tomorrow!

    I know I’m irrationally excited because I hardly ever buy shoes there anymore, but it would be so nice to be able to pop in and look at sandals or boots or sneakers and not have to plan a trip to BR. I’m off work through the weekend but we have to finish our article tomorrow so I probably won’t make it for the grand opening but soon.

    • Petunia

      I saw that!!!!!!! I am so excited!!! I think I am going to try to stop by on Friday when I am off! Can’t wait to check it out, and for this weather to warm up!

  4. Anon asking about Bras

    Does anyone have suggestions for lingerie brands that carry small band sizes? Preferably available online with shipping to Canada (Nordstorms/Neimans etc). I wore Panache (Sp?) while nursing and recently bought a Marie Jo but the lingerie shop I visited did not have much selection in 30 band size.

    • Anonymous

      The blogger Extra Petite has a few recommendations on her site. I think The Little Bra Company and La Senza were popular amongst commenters.

    • locomotive

      try the little bra company. it’s been reviewed by shopping blogs like extrapetite and their website says they ship to canada. my sister has ordered bras off of the site and raved about them, but she is really tiny and has a band size of like 28. with 30, i would say you can even try natori bras (available at nordstroms) which are my absolute favorite.

    • Ashley

      I am a 30 Band and Calvin Klein is my favorite brand. You can buy small size band sizes at Bare Necessities website (google it)

      • Anon for this

        Second this.

        Calvin Klein – dang. I can’t remember the style but there is one that has a 32 band that fits my 29″ ribcage just fine.

        Try finding a tiny 32C…that will make you crazy. Most American and UK styles think a C cup is a C cup and is huge instead of inches bigger than your rib cage. A and B cups smoosh my little girls uncomfortably. And a 34 band is a joke.

        • Ashley

          Yeah Calvin Klein has great bras for thinner women. I have 3 (and one was my wedding bra!) and they work great. I’m a 30DD/E. I have 3 Freya bras and they are good too but I prefer CK!

        • Blair W.

          I’m a 32C too. My go-to bra – the only one that fits properly – is the On Gossamer mesh cup one (they sell it at Nordstrom.) It’s wonderful.

    • Joan Holloway

      If you’re looking for small bands and cups up to a C, then the suggestions the others have given are great. If you’re looking for larger cups and 28/30 bands, then look at Freya. Also, Parfait by Affinitas’s bands run tight. You can get a LOT more information from The Bra Band Project (here’s their FB page: https://www.facebook.com/BraBandProject) and Bratabase.com. Another excellent Canadian resource is http://www.butterflycollection.ca.

    • shortiek

      On the cheap end, Aerie has some cute 30 A/B bras. I’d be over the moon if they started offering 30Ds. Freya is great, I have two bras from them that I love.

    • MJ

      Have you tried Herroom dot com? they have extremely comprehensive selection and reviews, and if you find a style you like there (and they don’t ship to Canada), I am sure you could stalk it at Nordies or elsewhere?

    • Veronique

      My favorite 32DD brand is Natori, especially the Feather bra. I also like Calvin Klein and DKNY.

  5. Ugh

    Any experience with relatiinships where political views are opposite? I’m seeing an amazing guy who, it turns out, is conservative compared to my liberal leanings. I am comfortable with that, as long as there is respect between us. I think he is a little more worried about the implications. I figure if we’ve been together for this long (6 months) without it coming up in depth, it can’t really be that big of a deal. I’m getting the feeling that he’s trying to decide if it’s a deal breaker for him. I guess it would be better to know now rather than later. I just hate sitting around waiting for him to decide.

    • Divaliscious11

      Is he planning to run for political office, planning a career in political strategy or party governance? If yes to any of the above, have a serious conversation. The other thing to think about is raising children – can you two raise your children with both perspectives, and be happy if your kids have different political views from you? May be too soon to know the answers to the above questions but its something to think/talk about if you do have discussions about getting more serious. At this point you are still on your best behavior stage of dating, though, so for now, get to know him….

      • Cb

        This is great advice! Some people (me) discuss politics constantly and expect everyone to have an opinion. Others are pretty neutral. I think as long as values aligned (they didn’t subscribe to a neo-fascist ideology, you weren’t working to bring about a Marxist state), you’ll be okay.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I think I could (actually I have) date(d) someone with more conservative fiscal leanings than me. It would be really hard for me to foresee a serious relationship with someone who differed markedly on social issues (marriage equality, pro-choice vs pro-life, viewpoints on race issues) as those things things feel more to me like *values* (or at least, the logical outlays of my values) than opinions. It would be hard for me to be in a relationship where I felt like our fundamental values were not in alignment, but I could definitely see myself in a relationship where we disagreed on solutions.

      • a.

        Yup. I couldn’t really see an SO’s opinion on fiscal policy or, I dunno, drone strikes in Pakistan being deal-breakers. But if we disagreed on social issues like “Are all people equal?” and “Does a woman have the right to make her own choices vis-à-vis her reproductive health?” I really doubt it would work out, because I think those signify some fundamental, challenging-to-reconcile differences in worldview.

        • LilyB

          this is in no way an attack on you, but what you said raised a question I’ve been pondering for some time. I hear people all the time say things like, oh, I could date a fiscal conservative but not a social conservative. But why is one better than the other (assuming you are liberal)? In other words, why is being pro-drone (essentially killing people, often innocent ones, with advanced but flawed technology) better/less offensive than being anti-choice? Why is being anti-progressive taxation (if you think that progressive taxation is the only moral way to run a society such as ours) more acceptable than being anti-gay marriage?

          just something I’ve been wondering about. sometimes I think the social issues are just sexier, and people don’t really think hard about why fiscal and national defense issues ARE moral issues.

          • a.

            No, I definitely think that fiscal and national defense issues are moral issues as well, and as soon as I hit post I cringed at having used the drone example. That was a bad one.

            But to me at least, they feel a lot more–distant. Things like tax policy will obviously have an affect on everyone’s lives, that’s obvious. But it’s not in quite the same way as, say, if I were to accidentally get pregnant, find out that the baby had genetic defects that would make him or her incompatible with life, and my boyfriend wasn’t capable of respecting my decision to terminate the pregnancy. Of if my boyfriend thought my really good gay friends did not deserve the same legal protections and rights as we did–because those friends are people I have to look in the face, and I couldn’t look them in the face if I was seriously involved with someone who thought they were all predators, or couldn’t raise children, or [insert excuse].

            Thanks for asking the question, though–it’s important to think through these things.

          • Anonymous

            Agree, and I think its the biggest problem with the young democrats today. You know they are concerned with gay rights and a woman’s right to chose (which are of course extremely important) but can’t tell you ANYTHING else about the moral, legal implications of national defense issues, didn’t hear a peep about the NDAA, but very big into snarky signs about gay marriage. (Again, I fully, fully support gay marriage. Well I think marriage should be a religious insitition and what everyone should be entitled to is civil union, gay or straight, but I realize that horse has left the barn. I just think it is much “cooler” to protest in support of gay marriage.

          • Anonymous

            a- So important issues are ones that affect you personally? That means you should be able to understand why someone might not support those things- if they have no gay friends for instance, or if all the females in their lives are morally opposed to abortions.

            Very slippery slope way to base your beliefs.

          • Anonymous

            Ditto. Sure there’s a “gut” feeling about social issues, and they feel more black and white, but for all intents and purposes, what things we (individually and as a country) spend our limited resources on reflects our values. For the purposes of a relationship, drawing up a perfect national budget allows for more of a gray area and optimization of competing priorities than some of the social issues, but I couldn’t be with someone whose fiscal ideas reflected callousness towards the plight of those weaker than himself as opposed to trying to come up with the best solution for a complicated nation in an imperfect world.

          • MaggieLizer

            I think it just depends on what you personally hold near and dear; for some people, that’s marriage equality or women’s rights, for others that’s fiscal policy or national defense. People just don’t internalize as a core value everything about politics that touches on morality. For friends of mine who have served or have family who have served in the military, national defense ranks pretty darned high in their value scale, and it would be really tough for them to respect people who complained about a national defense budget without fully informing themselves.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            To anonymous about “if it affects you personally” – in this discussion we are talking about whether one could date someone with opposing political views. For me, I think whether those views affect me personally would be the dividing line because it would determine how our relationship would function. I couldn’t date someone who wouldn’t want me to take birth control. I couldn’t date someone who wanted loaded firearms unlocked in a house with kids. I couldn’t date someone who would forbid me from ever having an abortion. While I would fundamentally disagree with someone about other major issues, immigration, gay rights, war – it wouldn’t affect our day to day relationship and wouldn’t necessarily be a deal breaker.

            BTW – I do agree with you though that “whether it affects me personally” is a slippery slope for the broad viewpoint and I do think it is a major problem that is pervasive in politics. For example, I know a super religious conservative republic that sides on the far right for everything except the rights stance on immigration. Why? He is half Colombian and his mother, grandmother and aunts and uncles are all (legal) immigrants. Our beliefs are just so intertwined with our experiences, naturally.

          • Equity's Darling

            I’m Canadian, so I’m coming from a different political frame of reference, but I think social issues just tend to hit closer to home.

            Social conservatives promote laws that *could* actively have an impact on my friends daily lives or my daily life, and so when someone is against those things, I can forsee the possible effect it may have and it is more personal in some way, mostly because I think the issues could change the outcome of someone’s life dramatically.

            Being pro-drone strikes, or against progressive taxation, are just…less relevant for my day-to-day business, and realistically, drones will pretty much never impact me (unless the US has some secret plans to drone-strike Canada?!? Seems unlikely….), and I pay taxes regardless, it’s more a matter of the amount, and sure, lower taxes would be nice, but, c’est la vie?

          • Divaliscious11

            As someone who is very political, and fairly vocal about it, I too could probably have been involved with someone who was more conservative than I am fiscally but not socially. The social conservative issues just feel like the imposition of one group views and social mores onto everyone, even if I agreed with them, I’d feel uncomfortable imposing them on others. That, and a I feel that a lot of people have those positions – until it impacts their family and then presto-chango.

            Fiscal issues just don’t hit my core beliefs in equality to the same extent.

        • TBK

          Oh wow. Drone strikes are H U G E for me. Huge. Humungous. We are killing. people. including children. including Americans. including American children. The American government has killed one of its own children. We don’t even allow the death penalty for juvenals — after a TRIAL with all the constitutional protections it affords — no matter what they have done, and yet our government killed one of our children. How is this not a huge issue? (Seriously. And this is for everyone who was happy to see W go — if you were against Guantanamo and enhanced interrogation techniques, especially if you thought Bush was a war criminal because of these things HOW CAN YOU NOT BE HORRIFIED BY THE CURRENT USE OF DRONE STRIKES?)

          • a.

            Drone strikes are awful. I’m against them. It was not a good example, and as I noted above, I regret using it.

          • momentsofabsurdity

            Yeah, drone strikes (and NDAA) fall under “social issues” for me honestly, because for me they relate to core human rights.

            I see the argument that where we spend our (limited) dollars also relates to what we prioritize – but at the same time, someone being for/against progressive taxation, even though that is an important issue, for me would not make me question their values. For me that falls under “differing opinions on how we solve the problem” not necessarily “recognition of a problem.”

          • Anonymous

            What does the child in quotes mean? You didnt know about it or? We killed three U.S. citizens- Anwar Al-Aulaqi, Samir Khan, and 16-year-old Abdulrahman Al-Aulaqi with drones.

          • Need to Improve

            To me, the drone strikes issue is like the death penalty–a very important hybrid issue (DP is social/fiscal; drones are social/defense). Neither issue is likely to affect me personally, but both are very critical. I never would have been able to date someone who thought it was ok to kill other people in those contexts.

        • KLG

          In defense of a. or others like her, I choose to only be vocal about issues I have thoroughly researched or read enough about to be convinced in my position and able to discuss current events involving that issue. That means I have a lot of stuff to say about reproductive rights and gay marriage but very little to say about drone strikes. Do they concern me as a human rights violation? Yes. But I’m not posting all over facebook about them like I am gay marriage and abortion because I only have so much free time to read up on things and I don’t feel like I am conversant on where we are striking, how often, what the government’s position on why it is okay, etc. I do not have time to research every important moral issue facing me today. Maybe it seems shallow to others or like I only care about things that affect me personally, but in my daily life in a rural area, it’s more important for me to be able to defend my beliefs on gay marriage and abortion and why not all Muslims are evil than on many other topics. (Note: I do not think all rural areas are like this. But mine is.).

        • ChocCityB&R

          The Washington Post has an article entitled “Everything you need to know about drones.” It should take no more than 20 minutes to read. For those of you who are less inclined to take a stand without educating yourselves on the issue, I strongly encourage you to read it. Link to follow.

      • KLG

        This. My husband and I don’t agree on guns or all aspects of fiscal policy, but he agrees with me on many social/reproductive issues, some of which I take VERY personally. My sister and her husband (who are much more politically active than we are) are the same way. For things I view as “policy oriented” it doesn’t bother me that my husband or brother in law disagree with me at all and we often have in person and email discussions about the war in Iraq, the national debt, welfare spending, etc. and it’s rare that anyone gets upset or is bothered by it. But for the things I take personally, it would be really hard for me if we disagreed.

      • cbackson

        Agreed; I feel much the same way. I could actually even handle a relationship with someone who held a differing position than I do on abortion. But full stop, I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who disagreed with me on LGBT issues. It’s my absolute deal-breaker. If you’re not down with civil marriage equality, if you think gays shouldn’t serve in the military or be scout leaders, if you equate homos*xuality and pedophilia…I won’t date you. I probably wouldn’t be entirely comfortable being friends with you. The world I want to live in is a world where LGBT people and their relationships are fully affirmed – not just tolerated. I won’t form a family with someone who doesn’t feel the same way.

        FWIW, I’m a devout Christian and to me, this is a critical moral issue and a obligation of my faith, as well as a personal preference.

        • Anonymous

          I think social issues can be a dividing line in terms of having a relationship because you come up against them more often. You want higher/lower taxes than I do? You have differing views on foreign intervention? We can argue all day about it and still go to dinner. But you won’t go to dinner with my brother and his husband? Deal breaker.

      • Susan

        “Social conservatives” aren’t really conservative: you can’t be FOR limited government and then tell people that they can’t make their own decisions about their own bodies and lives. How is it limited government to control reproductive decisions, or marriage, or drug use? A true conservative believes in limited government. Period.

        • Lyssa

          That’s an exceptionally silly argument, thrown around by those who don’t want to consider the other side’s point of view in any way whatsoever.

          Limited government does not mean no government. Unless you’re an anarchist, everyone agrees that there are some legitimate functions of government. It’s what they are that people disagree about.

          If you believe that an unborn child is a living person, then you cannot argue that there’s no legitimate function of government in protecting that person’s life; even if government is limited, protection of life is one fairly easy function. You may disagree with that, but please try to at least have some understanding of other viewpoints.

          • Anonymous

            “If you believe that an unborn child is a living person, then you cannot argue that there’s no legitimate function of government in protecting that person’s life”

            You can, in fact, argue that a fetus is a living person, but the state does not have the right to protect its life. We (as a state) do not hold individuals right to life as sacrosanct above all, by nearly any measure. We execute our own citizens, we sacrifice soldiers in war, etc etc.

            Just a viewpoint – I very much believe a fetus is a living being, but I do not think the government has a legitimate duty to safeguard its right to life, any more than it has a legitimate duty to safeguard a person dying of kidney disease’s right to life by compelling a kidney transplant from a match.

          • Susan

            I believe that a fetus is a living being. I also know that no one who believes in limited government would want to control my body because I am the one with the constitutional right to privacy, not the fetus. Social conservatives just want to tell other people what to do.

          • Small Govt

            Lyssa, I agree with your point that its no govt would be anarchy and everyone (pretty much) in our society is choosing some govt, it just depends on what.

            I feel like the whole small/large govt is a divide that the Repubs really fixate on though, alleging that dems what big govt and repubs do not. If Repubs said as you did above that they also want a similarly large govt only one that regulates social issues more than other issues, I would find that much more intellectually honest.

            It drives me crazy to hear Repubs rail on about personal liberty, but then want to regulate my bodily functions like when I have children or who I want to have sex with. I think by any objective standard, an individual and not the government having ultimate control over one’s body is the one of the most basic standards of individual liberty.

            It really annoys me when politicians hold internally inconsistent ideas without publicly recognizing it. I do not share any of Rand Paul’s views, even remotely, but I respect him intellectually. His recent statements on gay marriage at CPAC I think are a good example of how he takes his principals of things like individual liberty and follows them through to their logical conclusions.

            *** This post is mainly about Repubs given Lyssa’s statement above but hypocrites and those that are intellectually dishonest of all political persuasions annoy me equally.

          • SoCalAtty

            Great post Small Govt.! I’m very libertarian, and all of my internally held opinions on rights and governance are consistent – not without some pain to get there. It was either in my logic class or an ethics class in college (philosophy major) where a professor pointed out how internally inconsistent many people’s beliefs actually are. I started out (this is at least 10 years ago) pretty pro-life and not really for same sex marriage, but when I took a hard look at my core values – basically a “hands off” approach where government handles education, infrastructure, defense and very lightly economics, it was pretty clear that same sex marriages had to fit in that structure, as did the ability for a woman to obtain an abortion if she so chose. It was a weird few years for me, but now I’m really happy with where my thoughts track now on political issues.

            It’s also why I get along with everyone – liberal, conservative, everyone in between. We may not agree, but I have solid reasoning for why I have my opinion and I don’t just throw around talking points. That being said, my best friend is VERY liberal and I tend to lean toward traditional libertarian. We get along just fine. My in-laws used to cancel each other’s votes out, and they are still happily married after 4 kids and many years. It can be done so long as it is logical and you don’t disagree on really fundamental core values.

    • TBK

      My husband used to be (before we met) very conservative and I used to be very liberal. Now I still identify as liberal and he identifies as conservative, but we actually agree on most things. I think it depends on what liberal/conservative means in your context and how you arrive there. For example, one of the biggest reasons my husband’s view on social issues changed was that his religious views changed. This means we agree on pretty much all the s3x related stuff (gay rights, abortion, etc.). If, however, one person believes that gay people are going to hell while the other doesn’t, you might run into problems if you have a gay kid, or your kid wants to play with the kids down the street whose parents are both women, it’s going to be a really big deal. My views have moderated on economic issues and I actually am sort of center-right on a lot of those. My husband is very much a free-market guy and so, while I believe in a more robust social safety net and believe only the government is truly able to supply that net, we ultimately are pretty close on those issues. But if I, for example, was an Occupier and thought the corporations were ruining the country, while my husband thought that the government was the problem, meddling with free enterprise, it could be a real issue. Then there are guns, immigration, religious exercise (e.g., prayer in school, etc.) — these are the emotional issues that people are often very passionate about. If you hate, hate, hate guns and think they should all be banned, while the guy has a safe full of them in his garage, you’re going to have problems. So it’s less the liberal/conservative label that I think is an issue and more what those labels mean to you, and whether you can reach agreement on what is deeply important to each of you.

    • KC

      My boyfriend of 3 years and I are on opposite sides of the spectrum. It can be tricky as we’re both politically involved (though for me it’s just a hobby/cause while it’s his full time job). I make it clear that I support him even if I don’t agree with the full platform of the candidate he’s working for. That said, we make it a point to be civil/see the other side when discussing politics and are okay with “agreeing to disagree” on some issues.

      It sounds like he’s still in the stage of figuring out if these differences will be a bigger deal in the future. As with many things, both sides have to buy in for the relationship to work. Definitely worth having a conversation about how you both view the implications.

    • JessC

      I think it can be doable, but it depends on a variety of factors. How important are your political views to you and your guy? Are either or both very into/involved in your political group? If so, that could be an issue. But what’s really most important is the ability to respect the person even though they disagree with you. I have some very, very close friends who are crazy-hippie-liberals to my gun-totting-bible-thumping-conservative and I don’t love or respect them any less for it. It’s all about respect and civility (and the occassional good-nature poking-fun at each other).
      Also, what I think is more important than your actual political views is how they affect your values as far as other issues that could come up in a long-term relationship (I’m thinking views on either party’s religious practices/level of devotion, procreation, what would you do if there was an unexpected pregnancy, etc). My parents were together 30 years (until my mom’s death) and they had some fairly divergent political views. They basically just agreed to disagree and respect each other’s views. And it worked out well for them.

    • Ellen

      I think it can be dificult. It was with ME. The Barshevsky side of My family tends to be on the CONSERVATIVE side of the fence, b/c my family has worked and been here for MANY year’s, so when I started dateing Alan, we did NOT see eye to eye. He think’s everyone should be given the same amount of money, and he did NOT want to work hard b/c it should be taxed away anyway, so he perfered to lay around and drink rather than work and get taxed. I am diferent. I want to work hard and save and have a 401K to retire on, and I do NOT depend on the goverment for suport, or food stamp’s or anything. I do NOT mind payeing in so other’s can have thing’s they need, but do NOT think it is fair for everyone to have the goverment pay for thier i-Phone’s.

      So it can get touchy. Fortueantely, I dumped Alan, and I do NOT have to worry about him any more. I did hear he met someone who is haveing sex with him, and I feel sorry for her b/c that is all he is good for, and mabye not so good b/c of all of the drinkeing. FOOEY!

    • Susan

      My views are classic liberal and I have been married to a very politically active libertarian for close to 15 years. It works because our values are the same – we just have different solutions to what we see as societies ills. We have also influenced and changed each other on some topics such as gun control and the death penalty over the years. I just have to ignore some of his facebook posts!

    • lucy stone

      I’m a Democrat married to someone who describes himself as a “libertarian-leaning conservative.” We have voted for the same presidential candidate once in the last 10 years (Obama in 2008). The only time we agreed on state politics is in the gubernatorial recall election. My husband is an elected official and I work in government. It works, but we both have to bite our tongues sometimes in public. At home, we’ll have a full-fledged debate.

    • Darby

      I personally think it depends on how much you “care.” And by care I mean discuss politics & have it as a part of your daily life. I “care” a lot & I like to talk to the choir, so opposite views are a dealbreaker for me. I have a hard enough time being a few degrees apart on my end of the political spectrum w/ my SO. My sister, on the other hand, doesn’t “care” as she and her H have had all of 3-4 conversations about politics in their 10-year relationship.

        • Darby

          And I know plenty of people at opposite ends who “care” and make it work, I’m just saying it wouldn’t work for me.

      • Anonymous

        Wanting to talk to the “choir” doesn’t mean you care a lot- it just means you can’t stand having your views questioned.

        • Darby

          No it doesn’t. It means that I don’t like having a lot of conflict in my interpersonal life & prefer a partnership with someone who agrees with me.

        • Darby

          PS – the original question was about whether differing political views in a *relationship* is a dealbreaker & in short, for me, it is. My SO feels this way too. I suspect — as with *everything* that the answer is different for everyone as is evidenced by this thread. Some can live with more differences than others. I fall into a camp of not wanting politics to be a source of something else to fight about. I like to talk about it a lot (hence, I “care”) and I don’t want those conversations to be unpleasant and to turn into fights — again, in a *relationship*. So my answer to the OP is “yes, the guy you’re dating could decide to call it off because you disagree politically” and I don’t think this is an unreasonable viewpoint.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      If James Carville and Mary Matalin can make it work, it’s possible.

      My BF was for many years a registered Republican, then a Registered Libertarian (now independent). I’m pretty far left. We’ve been together 9 years. I’ve slowly corrupted him with my liberal ideals. (I say this because I know he’s reading this thread since he’s the one that pointed it out to me, and he will disagree. Hi, dear!). We agree on most social issues, though.

      • Anonymous

        Hmm. Its kind of weird to know that your BF reads this site. Does he contribute?

        • Gail the Goldfish

          No, just likes to read the comments because he thinks we’re the only reasonable discourse on the internet.

          • Anonymous

            hmm. If I found out my bf read I would kind of feel like finding out he cross dressed. The political discussions I get, but he pointing it out to you means he reads daily through the miscarriage posts, the lady garden posts, etc. I am actually very surprised about how weirded out I am about this. Obviously sites aren’t/can’t be for “women only” but I do kind of feel like he has been spying on us.

          • I see you

            Spying on us? Seriously?

            Dude, it’s the interwebs. Nothing is private/sacred. Post accordingly…

          • cc

            I don’t know if I’d say spying- but I am surprised that men read this site and do find it a little weird.

          • Gary the Grouper

            Gail’s BF here. I agree with “I see you” in that if you post it on the Internet, it’s neither private nor sacred. Of course, using an anonymous moniker can help shield your identity, but it’s not a guarantee.

            I only peruse the site from time to time, perhaps once a week, and this is only my second post ever on the site. I view it because I can honestly say this site has some of the savviest and smartest users on the Internet I’ve ever seen. The quality of the posts is difficult to rival. I’m mostly interested in the workplace-related posts rather than the other content.

          • Gail the Goldfish

            If it makes you feel better, I’m pretty sure he scrolls right past the LGP and kid-related posts and just reads the financial, work, and politics related stuff.

          • Gary the Grouper

            Yeah, “financial, work, and politics” is probably more comprehensive.

          • Wannabe Runner

            I have sent my husband to a few threads on here. Sometimes I’ll say, “The ladies on Corporette were discussing ———- today,” when we are home cooking dinner, and he will want to see.

            I think the lack of dudes trying to one-up each other’s testosterone levels makes this a unique Internet community capable of smart, non-judgy discourse.

          • Silvercurls

            +1 re the thoughtful & articulate commenters on this site! Other places to find similarly well-written responses:
            – The New Old Age blog (in Health section at nytimes (dot) com–warning: this site has a paywall after 5 free articles per month). Actually all NYTimes commenters, regardless of where the article is classified on the web site, are amazingly good at expressing themselves.
            – broadsideblog (dot) wordpress (dot) com–site run by a freelance journalist; blog entries cover all sorts of subjects
            – askamanager (dot) org–intelligent comments on work-related topics
            – lawandconversation (dot) com–a lawyer’s thoughtful posts and comments re literature and reading

        • momentsofabsurdity

          For whatever it’s worth, I actually imagine that though most men I know wouldn’t be interested in a site like this, there are probably several out there in the expanse of the Internet that read regularly just for the comments.

          • Equity's Darling

            Now I’m so curious how many men read here! I feel like they must think we’re so frivolous sometimes…it’s like they’ve found our secret club and can read all our anonymous internet thoughts….

          • Gail the Goldfish

            BF has wished there was a male equivalent of this site. I’m surprised no one’s started one.

        • Susan

          Oh. just wait until STFU CORPORETTE reads that you think people are spying on you. lol!

      • ChocCityB&R

        I think it’s awesome that your BF reads this site, and it would make me so happy if my husband read it. I don’t want to start anything, but I think the poster who linked this to cross dressing and the poster who said it was men “spying” was a bit out of line. In my effort to not start anything I’ll leave it at that. Welcome Gary!!

    • Flying Squirrel

      I’m impreseed by this spirited, but generally respectful, debate. Maybe an example of how to disagree politically in a relationship :)

      But one honest question. How does one say drone strikes don’t or couldn’t affect them personally? I’m very disturbed that our Constitutional law professor president finds extra-judicial execution of US citizens legal/constitional. It does affect me personally that my president can decide to unilaterally revoke my rights. Now I’m anti-death penalty anyway, but surely due process isn’t controversial. Or do you legal folks consider this situation similar to Lincoln’s suspension of habaeus corpus to lock up Confederate sympathizers (which, no lawyer here, I also find troubling but less so due to war being actively fought on U.S. soil)?

  6. DCgal

    Anyone have recommendations for control top hose which either have reinforced toes or are really run resistant in some way? At my wits end here!

    • Joan Holloway

      Try the German brand Falke? I haven’t tried them yet, but some of their styles advertise “ladder-resistant” toes.

    • Gus

      I’ve always had good luck with Hanes Silk Reflections, control top reinforced toe hose.

        • Senior Attorney

          +1

          Of course, I don’t wear sheer hose any more at all because out here in So Cal they are the mark of an Old Lady. Which is a shame because I think I look much better and more put together when I am rocking my nude hose. But that horse has left the barn and I don’t see it coming back any time soon.

      • Stephanie

        I definitely second Spanx. I’ve worn them at least 30 times with no runs and the control top is amazing.

      • anon

        I’ve not had such a positive experience with Spanx. I was at a formal event and after using the restroom, I pulled them back up (fairly gently, I promise!) and one entire leg split open all the way down. I almost lost it. It was my third time wearing them, and I’m not really in a position to be spending that kind of money to replace them.

        I’ve just gone back to buying cheaper pairs, knowing I’ll have to replace them every couple of wears. At least then it’s closer to $1-3 per wear, as opposed to the $10/wear I got out of my Spanx.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I totally agree with this recommendation. I own 4 pairs and have worn each pair once a week for months and haven’t had any real issues. I did rip a hole in the toe of 1 pair, but it hasn’t gotten any bigger and its totally covered by my shoes, so I don’t worry about it.

    • Miss A

      I can usually get a season out of HUE, with control (you can even moderate that with their sizing), I get them cheaper at C21 but for me, it his the right note of cost/value. The only time they actually run is when a sharp object pulls it b/c I am clumsy, so I figure even the nicest hose can’t bar accidents.

      I run it hot wash/dry and it’s still fine unless there is an actual accident.

    • In the Pink aka Sargent at Legs

      I wear regular hose by Filodoro and it rarely rarely runs. You might try it. They may have others that are run-resistant by labeling. I use shapings (dot com) out of Canada. Yes, they ship to the US. There are tons of brands and styles that aren’t available in typical dept. stores. I have no connection to them other than loving their onsite catalogue, service, and advice.

      • In the Pink aka Sargent at Legs

        Oh, the type of Filodoro is Aurora 15 At that denier weight (15) it’s probably what keeps them from running…they are a bit less sheer, but I don’t mind at all. Most folks say they are unaware that I am wearing hosiery.

  7. Cb

    Ugh, vent ahead…

    Received a rejection from a PT gig that I apparently really wanted (judging by the grumpiness that ensued). I am overscheduled as is and it would have been a pretty significant amount of travel so it’s for the best but I really wanted it.

    It doesn’t help that I’m writing up results right now and trying to make the fact that I found nothing interesting sound interesting.

    • moss

      I sympathise… I recently delivered an analysis in which there were no significant differences between treatment groups. “sorry all the money you spent didn’t get you anything!” ugh.

    • Tired Owl

      My sympathies. That doesn’t sound fun at all. All I can offer up in these circumstances is to say (as I’ve been through similar ones myself) through gritted teeth: This….too….shall….pass…grrrr..

  8. Lateral Associate

    Threadjack! I am a junior/mid level associate at a big law firm in the process of interviewing to make a lateral move. I was just wondering if it was customary for associates to receive signing bonuses? A co worker of mine who is a recent lateral said that he received one when he came over. Would like to hear other attorneys’ thoughts on this – thank you!

    • MaggieLizer

      I’m interested in the comments on this one. I asked about it when I lateraled and got a “What have you been smoking??” look. I’ve heard urban legends of signing bonuses for laterals but I don’t personally know any associate who’s actually gotten one; I kind of assumed that it was a pre-2007 thing, but it might just depend on your market. Doesn’t hurt to ask, though!

      • Ashley

        My recruiter seemed to act like it wasn’t very common, but I don’t trust her 100%. And the fact that my co worker got one is a good sign, I suppose. Hopefully other lateral attorneys will speak to their experience! Agree that it doesn’t hurt to ask!!

    • Anonymous

      Most of my friends who have lateralted without using recruiters recently have gotten
      10k in NYC. With recruiters, nothing

    • cbackson

      I don’t think it’s customary in BigLaw, but if you might be able to get one if, for example, you’d be sacrificing your bonus at your existing firm. For example, if you know your 2012 bonus, but it’s not payable unless you’re in good standing on April 1 (which typically means you haven’t given notice), and the new firm wants you to start on March 29th, then you could try making a case to the new firm that they should compensate you for that foregone income.

      • Gus

        This. I’ve negotiated this deal for lateral associates that I wanted to hire. But absent this situation, there’s not generally a lateral signing bonus (except, of course, for the ludicrous sums that Supreme Court clerks get paid).

      • MJ

        Cosign cbackson–several folks left my group in the past month or so and were paid out their “projected” bonus from the new firm, as laterals. They both used recruiters. I’m in the Bay Area and it was corporate, if that helps. The market is tight here for certain specialties (both left to join M&A specific corporate groups, FWIW).

    • O.

      I was offered a $10k signing bonus this summer when I considered a big law to big law lateral move.

    • NewMama

      When I lateraled last year between BigLaw firms, I asked that my bonus for 2012 wouldn’t get pro-rated for only having been at the firm for part of the year. And I was successful on the ask. I had been told ahead of time by another recent lateral that they weren’t going to give signing bonuses, so I didn’t waste the time asking for it.

    • Need to Improve

      I would focus more on what year you will be up for partner. You can docked on that stuff as a lateral, and that seems a lot more important in the long term than a bonus that’s only 5 percent or less of your salary.

  9. Nancy P

    Gorgeous! Would look so great with a blue or black blazer. Alas, I am stuck in maternity clothes until June . . .

    • a.

      I agree on the dress, but you saying it would look great with a black blazer reminds me of a question I’ve been meaning to ask: what are (other) good colors or looks, to go with a black blazer? I recently acquired one for a Skype interview, but I have no clue what to do with it in terms of my broader wardrobe.

      • De

        I like yellow, if you can pull it off with your skin tone!

        Also, I can’t help but share the response that popped in my mind to you saying you have a Skype interview: You don’t have to wear pants!

        • a.

          Nope, I don’t have to wear pants :) I think I’m actually going to wear a gray and pink dress.

          But I want to use the blazer more than once, and am having a really hard time coming up with other things to wear it with.

          • Famouscait

            Suggestions for your Skype interview (from a former video producer):

            WEAR A HIGH NECKLINE UNDER THAT BLAZER. Or you will look naked except for the collar. ;)

            Preview yourself the day before on Skype. Clear clutter in the background image. Adjust lighting so it’s flattering. Make a mark (with tape) so you know where to place your chair.

            These small preparations can make a huge, positive difference for you. Good luck!

        • sadie

          I have a black blazer and a yellow shirt and every time I try to wear them together, I think I look like a bumblebee. I wish I could get over it, lol

  10. ouch

    TJ–I was recently given a ring with significant sentimental value. It looks like an engagement ring but it’s not. What finger should I wear it on? I already wear a ring of a different color on my right ring finger…any advice? Where do you wear your non-engagement rings?

    • darjeeling

      left middle finger, or alternate right ring finger with the one you usually wear?

    • a.

      I wear my equivalent to this ring (although no stone, so it doesn’t look like an engagement ring) on my right middle finger. Because it’s a little too big for my ring finger and I keep procrastinating about getting it re-sized…

    • frugal doc..

      I wear mine on my left middle finger. It does look like an engagement ring.

  11. Anonymous

    AHHH. I am so fed up with my family. My grandmother’s health is declining and all of her kids (including my parent) basically are acting like spoiled rotten children. No one wants to do what is in her best interest. Instead they all just vent to me about how awful it is and how hard it is/they just want to live their lives. Seriously?!?! I am so disgusting with my family members that I can’t think straight. Not to mention now I have to be the one to break the news to my grandmother that basically her children are worthless and try and find a better living situation for her. And convince her to pursue said choice. Piece of cake, right?

    Just needed to vent.

    • a.

      I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My mom is dealing with something similar with my grandmother now–no one else in the family will take on any type of responsibility, but of course all of them are ready to nitpick and whine about everything she does. It’s really, really hard.

    • Bea

      So sorry you”re having to deal with this. Because I’m older, more like your parent’s age, I’ve spent lots of the last 5 or 6 years dealing with very sick parents. I wonder if your grandmother’s children have put lots of time and emotional energy into her care? It can be exhausting, and even very caring people can get worn down and feel sorry for themselves. And best of luck on the living situation. Elderly people can be incredibly resistant to change, even though the benefits may seem obvious to everyone else involved.

      • Anon

        Caring for elderly parents can be exhausting and also so fundamentally reminds people of their own mortality that the caregivers and other relatives start acting different. My mother and her siblings are all wonderful people who got along well, were compassionate, etc. except for the time period spent dealing with my grandmother’s death. They all acted like selfish, uncaring brats! It took a couple of years for the relationships to mend, but I think the death of a parent can make people act totally out of sorts.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      My family is dealing with a complete break down of the extended family due to nothing but straight up greed and selfishness over the very little assets my 100 year old grandmother has. It ultimately culminated in abuse and my father having to remove her from the situation. IE- he had to be the bad guy that put her in assisted living. This has been going on for years and you all may recall the drama when I removed my drunk alcoholic cousin from her 100th birthday party and the fallout that caused. I would be happy to talk to you more offline about your situation and mine. While I likely don’t have solutions, it might be nice to just vent to someone who really understands. As an aside, when my other grandmother passed away, years ago, extended family were fighting AT THE WAKE over who would get her car (valued at $5k, most) and her itty bitty house valued at $70k but needing $20k in work before it could be legally sold. People are jerks.

      My email is projectmundaneart at gmail.

      • Anonymous

        Thank you, I may definitely take you up on that. I appreciate all the support ladies.

    • frugal doc..

      I totally sympathize. My parents became ill/disabled at a relatively young age, and my mother recently passed, and it has a profound effect on family dynamics. Some kids can deal, others can’t, and all show their true colors. But I agree with the other posters that even the best of people can be pushed to their limit by the stresses of dealing with aging parents and the conflicts that inevitably arise.

      As the grandchild, I would recommend as much as possible to just stay out of it, and just be there for your grandmother. Be the one person who isn’t asking for something, or telling her what to do. That is what she probably needs right now. If you actually feel that you know what is the “right” option for her, gently put that into your discussions, but let her make the choice if possible. I would discourage you from openly criticizing her children to her, as it really could backfire. She likely sees and knows them even better then you do.

      You are fortunate to still have many family members around you. Treasure them, and realize families can break apart so easily.

      • Anonymous

        Unfortunately I can’t stay out of it; I’ve tried that approach and now it has put my grandmother in an unsafe situation. And honestly, it may be the crabbiness, but I don’t feel very fortunate at the moment. Most of my family members’ behavior is disgusting – using her for money, property, etc. My feelings are compounded because I’m sad that grown adults who I used to respect have started acting like they’re members of a daytime talk show. But your right, it is ultimately her choice and the only thing I want for her is to be safe.

    • Anonymous

      I have been there, too. My mother had the task of taking care of my grandfather’s affairs during the last three years of his life. He lived in a nice place to visit with full-time care 4 hours away. He supported her in significant financial ways throughout her entire life, and his savings will take care of her retirement. She did little or nothing to save for retirement because she always knew she’d inherit his money. He lived a very long time, largely independently, but this delayed her inheritance beyond her expectations, which was terribly frustrating to her. She has no responsibilities beyond secretary for her book club and voluntary contributor to a local newsletter. She visited my grandfather in the popular tourist destination where he lived 1-2 times per month, unless she was traveling (she took three months and two months overseas last year). Every time she returned from a visit she called me to complain about how annoying he was being, as he would forget things, ask her the same question over and over, tell the same story she heard on the trip before which was not entirely accurate, and fail to keep his papers well-organized for her/himself. It enraged me. He was losing his dignity and she was acting as if he was intentionally inconveniencing her. She has assured me she intends to lose her marbles and that I will be taking care of her then, in my own home. Believe me, I took notes on how she treated my grandfather.

      • Anonymous

        Anon, your story breaks my heart. I’m really sorry that you had to deal with that, but I gotta say I had an Inappropriate Office Laughter moment when I got to “intends to lose her marbles.” I can just imagine an indignant person saying something along those lines: “I am GOING to lose my marbles! And I am GOING to lose them IN YOUR HOUSE!!!” Maybe I need to sleep more.

        • Anon Above

          It is completely appropriate to laugh. She’s been a fine, but somewhat distant mother, and steadfast in her refusal to provide me any emotional support whatsoever once I moved out after high school. The fact she feels entitled to one day LOSE HER MARBLES — IN MY HOUSE against this backdrop is just one example of how much self-awareness she lacks.

    • TO Lawyer

      I am also so sorry you’re going through this. I don’t really have any advice for you but more commiseration. I went through this with my extended family when my grandfather passed away last year. He had been sick for quite a while and it was clear that everyone was just fed up of it. It was really hard to watch the disintegration of my family along with his illness – I can safely say I see my aunts and uncles (his children) in a much less positive light. It’s a very hard place to be so please stay positive for the sake of your grandparents. And kudos for staying above the drama – I know it’s hard!

    • Jo March

      Big hugs. Dealing with this stuff is crazy – I am an only child and just dealt with getting my (relatively young but has MS) mother into retirement living. It was exhausting and stressful. The good part I can tell you is that she LOVES it there. And it is really good for her mental and emotional health.

      But I totally understand about awful and useless family members and the need to vent. You can email me at purrplegrrl (at) yahoo.c o m (spaces added to avoid moderation) if you want to talk more.

      Big internet hugs your way.

  12. moss

    What do you need in order to give notice at your current job when you are moving to a new position at a new company? Is a signed offer letter with a start date enough of a guarantee or is there anything else I would need to protect myself? I don’t want to quit and end up with nothing by mistake.

    • sadie

      I mean, I don’t think there can ever be a guarantee if what you’re looking for is some kind of legally enforceable requirement to employ you…
      If you incurred something like moving expenses in anticipation of a job offer that ended up being taken away, you might be able to recoup some of that in some situations. But generally…job offers can be taken back. Ask all the people who had associate offers in biglaw in 2008.

    • Anonymous

      Well I don’t give notice until I have a signed offer letter. But like Sadie said, it is not a binding contract, obviously stuff can still fall apart.

    • Brant

      Well…if you have a signed offer letter and a start date, you are generally good to go (though things could fall apart–just like they could fall apart on your 2nd day of the job). Have you been burned by something like this in the past?

      My last move had me nervous, and I waited until I had an official manager (that was still up in the air upon receiving the offer), a title (was up in the air), a salary, and a start date. Then I gave 1 week and 3 days notice. It was fine. Two weeks is standard but if you need to cut it a little closer for personal reasons, I think it’s fine. In my case I had wanted to give notice on a Friday, but things weren’t solidified…then it was a holiday on monday, then my boss was out. So I did it first thing on Weds and left the following Friday.

      • SoCalAtty

        I did the same thing. I waited until I had the final offer letter and a start date sent to me, with a list of salary and all of my negotiated benefits. I gave 2 weeks notice, but ended up having to cut it 2 days short to run out of state to a funeral, and it was fine. I already had things wrapped up long before that.

      • moss

        Thank you. No I have not been burned in the past, good point. I have just never looked for a job while employed before. I want to quit my current job so much and fantasize every day about finally getting to send that sweet “I resign” email. I’m just trying to evaluate all my risks.

        • A

          I would also be aware of any contingencies in the offer (ie, background check, etc.) and make sure those are cleared before quitting your current job.

  13. Anonymous

    About food sensitivities : can one be sensitive to some nutrient and only have “external” symptoms ? Ie : hives, allergic rhinitis, itchy eyes … but nothing digestive ?

    It feels like hay fever but can happen anytime, in any context, and usually lasts less than an hour – definitely not serious enough to warrant a trip to the allergist. I’ve tried for years to find what triggers those annoying bouts and I think I’ve narrowed it down to sugar or maybe some preservative.

    • NOLA

      I only have anecdotal evidence from my own childhood, but I know that, from the time I was a baby and my mother introduced different cereals to puberty, I had either an allergy or sensitivity to oats (in anything) that was manifested only in an itchy rash. I felt completely deprived as a child because I couldn’t eat most kids’ cereals (Cheerios, Captain Crunch, etc.) because they all had oats in them. I grew out of it at puberty.

    • KC

      I have a very similar reaction to artificial lemon flavoring. It took me a while to figure out, but my tongue swells and I get tiny hives around my mouth whenever I drink artificial lemonade or lemon flavored sparkling water. The symptoms disappear within a few hours, so I’ve never gone to an allergist. Once I narrowed down the cause, I’ve had maybe one reaction in the last 3 years?

      No idea if this is a medically sound explanation, but it seems to work for me.

      • roses

        KC, it may not be the flavor itself, but rather the dye they use for it. I had a terrible skin reaction once to, of all things, the dye used in a generic BCP.

    • Calibrachoa

      that’s me with nuts in largwe amounts! no digestion issues but i feel like i need to tear my skin off….

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Yup, I’m allergic to red dye 40 and break out in hives anytime I have it.

    • MB

      I have some itchy hive-like reactions to artificial red coloring (I cannot eat frozen strawberries with additives without breaking out into a really red rash). I’ve never been diagnosed with anything, but I avoid fake red foods (after typing that out, it seems like common sense to avoid fake [vibrant primary color of your choice] foods).

    • The Slapdash Sewist

      Look up “oral allergy syndrome.” I have this for a LOT of fruit/veg (walnuts, dates, watermelon…). OAS usually results in the itchy mouth/welts/skin inside mouth peeling off (gross!) and not runny nose, but I don’t think rhinitis is out of the question. It’s annoying but harmless. I don’t know that there’s any treatment other than avoiding the triggering foods.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I have this issue sometimes but I’ve never been able to pinpoint the foods that cause it. It happens out of the blue with things that I eat regularly but then the next time I eat something that caused it I don’t have any reaction. I can’t figure it out.

        • AIMS

          Look into the time of year. During tree season (spring and fall), OAS tends to be worst and people with tree allergies will often develop reactions to certain foods. It’s like your immune system is already on high alert and ready to strike.

          • Sydney Bristow

            Thanks! I’ll try to start keeping better track of it and see if that provides any answers.

          • NDR

            Yes – there are definitely days (especially during spring pollen) when I feel more “allergic”/sensitive in general, and foods that don’t normally bother me will cause itching – hands, soles of my feet and my gums/tongue.

      • locomotive

        I developed this problem at 24 with cherries, carrots, and then apples… basically anything in the alder pollen group as well as soy (why?? I loved my soy lattes). I figured it out after increasingly uncomfortable experiences eating those foods, so hopefully it should be more obvious as time goes on and the symptoms get more severe (which is a terrible way to go about it, I know. but I tried asking my PCP and he was just not helpful).

        • Wannabe Runner

          My allergies changed as I grew up, too. At age 30, I had a cat. I developed a cat allergy, and gave myself asthma because my cat was all up on my bed and couch all the time. Now I don’t have a cat any more. :(

          I am also allergic to dogs, mice, cockroaches, and dust. I used to be allergic to mold, but not anymore.

    • AIMS

      I would see an allergist because food allergies tend to get worse with each episode. You can get a prick test for the most common triggers.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks ! Time to begin keeping a precise food journal. I’ll keep and eye on (cochineal) red dye since I already know I’m sensitive to another insect byproduct (sericin).

  14. Social Stewing

    Somehow HR picked me to be part of the diverse group they want planning our employee social events. I don’t usually like attending these things, much less trying to anticipate what others would like to do.

    Do any of you have any suggestions on what you have liked (or what has been miserable) that your companies have done? I’m not talking fancy trips or anything. Just a decent once or twice a year get together–past events have included zoo trips and baseball games. We’re near the Chicago area, so there should be a ton to do. But I’m totally stumped. I hate that I’m such a homebody sometimes.

    • L

      How about a social good activity? You all could volunteer for a day with a local food bank or something like that? That way you’re spending the time doing something nice for others and being social.

    • LadyE

      Scavenger hunt at a museum or in the loop. There are companies that will run it for you and I’ve had a ton of fun when I did one at the Field museum.

    • Annon

      There is greater chicago food depository which allows volunteer groups to come pack/organize food cans and other donations. We once did whirley ball as a group outing- that was lot of fun, with food and drinks catered. During summer time, architectural boat tours are amazing or sailing races (quite exciting and not so easy, lot of team work to keep everyone afloat)

      • Hey-anonny

        Heh, I once broke a rib playing whirley ball. The ER docs found it completely amusing.

      • Backgrounder

        Second the Greater Chicago Food Depository idea – great, organized place to volunteer

    • Pippi

      All of the best work events involve free food or free drinks, or off-beat sporty things like dragon boat racing.

    • KinCA

      We’ve done bowling, go-kart racing, and an “Olympics”-type event with various games (HORSE, dodgeball, etc.) at a local park. I’d say go-kart racing and the Olympics were the biggest hits.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Maybe you are the perfect person to help plan this stuff! It sounds like you are an introvert, so think about something that would make an event more comfortable for you. I’m sure there are others at your company who feel the same way about these events, but might like it better if there is some way to make it more comfortable for introverts. I’m having trouble thinking of something off the top of my head, but I don’t particularly like events where there are forced activities and prefer to be able to talk in a smaller group of people. Something like the baseball game would be better for me since there is a game to focus on and there can be smaller groups, but it can also be hard for people because of the crowd or they just don’t care about the particular sport.

      Try and think about the specifics you’ve liked or hated at events (any event, even a dinner party or something) and see if you can insert some of the good elements into a particular event type.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Oh and I recommend reading Quiet: The Power of Introverts In A World That Can’t Stop Talking. It was really interesting and does have some suggestions on ways to compromise with people who are much more extroverted.

    • Social Stewing

      Thank you all so much for such wonderful ideas. I absolutely love the volunteering thought. I’m going to explore a few options that way as well as some of the offbeat sport ideas. You’ve given me some great thoughts here to launch from.

      And thank you for mentioning the introverts book, Sydney. I’ve seen it talked about in several places and thought it sounded like it could be good. You’ve just moved it onto my next slot of the to-read list.

      Thanks again!

    • Anonymous

      My office does events like this quarterly. We’ve done: horseback riding, bowling, cooking classes at a local deli, wine tasting, beer tasting, a really fun murder mystery event (actors were the corpse, detective, etc but info regarding some of the employees was provided & it was really fun), concert that was won by the company at a charity auction, and that’s all I can remember off the top of my head.

  15. TBK

    Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do with an heirloom engagement ring? I recently inherited my greatgrandmother’s engagement ring. It’s stunningly beautiful, but also very clearly an engagement ring. Besides wearing it on my right hand, is there anything else I can do with it? I wouldn’t want to re-set the diamond entirely (part of the ring’s beauty is its setting) but can rings be made into other pieces of jewelry? Just not sure what to do with it and hate just leaving it locked up all the time.

    • NOLA

      I wear mine on the middle finger of my left hand. I think I wore it on the middle finger of my right hand when I was married. But mine is an obviously antique filigree diamond ring.

    • mintberrycrunch

      I know this is a personal taste thing, but you could wear it as a necklace. I love the look of a pretty ring on a simple delicate chain.

    • Bonnie

      I’m at a loss as to my heirloom ring as well. I don’t want to change the setting but am worried that it looks odd to wear diamond rings on both hands. Thoughts?

      • Rock It

        I’d say rock both rings. I have a ring with sentimental value that is engagement-ish that I wear on my right middle finger and I get compliments all the time.

    • CKB

      What about changing the diamond for a different, colored stone, and then have the diamond reset into something else, like a pendant?

  16. NYC

    I love this dress. Want to get it, but fear I will see someone else wearing it at work! Corporette, your influence is vast.

  17. yg

    I am helping conduct intern interviews for my judge. I will be asking most of the questions while the senior clerk supervises, so I’m a little nervous (this is my first job out of law school). Any tips, suggestions for questions to ask, etc?

    • Me-too

      Just remember that the prospective interns are a lot more nervous than you! =) You could always print out a list of common interview questions just in case you completely blank.

    • rosie

      When I was a law student interviewing for internships with a judge, I remember that the clerks for one judge asked me a lot about my writing sample. It didn’t feel like they were grilling me, but rather it was like “you wrote this memo about an area of law that we do not know about but sounds cool, please explain to us.” I think that allowed them to see my grasp of a legal issue and how I explained it, and it let me shine a little by talking about something that I was interested in and knowledgeable about.

    • Betty

      I would take a look at their resume, writing sample, etc. and ask questions about anything you find interesting or that stands out (in a positive or negative way). I would also ask what they would like to do after law school, why they are interested in interning, and for this particular judge. As I’m sure you realize, working in a a judge’s chambers can be close quarters, so part of what you are looking for is “fit.” Do you want to work closely with this person for the next three months? Or are you, the senior clerk or the judge going to be pulling your/their hair out after three days? On a related note, if you are in federal court, interns/clerks need to keep mum about pressing legal issues that could come before their court, will this person be able to uphold that responsibility and the responsibility to keep information confidential?

      I’ve both interned and clerked for a judge, and I have received some odd-ball questions that annoyed me (e.g. “how is a judge like or not like an umpire in baseball?). I would avoid those, and just aim to get a sense of the person you are interviewing. As another said, the intern is going to be way more nervous than you. When in doubt, google “clerkship interview questions” and keep that at the back of your legal pad.

  18. Me-too

    Hi Hive! I’m pretty disturbed that I even have this question at this stage in my career, but here it is: I am a litigator trying to lateral from a very small (<5 attorneys) firm. I had an interview at a mid-size firm where I was informed that attorneys at my level (5-6 years) don't actually do any legal research or writing (not even summary judgment motions). There is a department that writes all the briefs and paralegals do all the written discovery and I would just look these things over and sign off. Most of my time would be spent doing court appearances, depositions, and client management. Is this the norm at mid-size (or large) firms? I actually enjoy drafting complex briefs (I do have junior associates who help out, but I oversee them and draft certain parts myself). I am just now realizing that I don't have any close friends who are litigators at mid-size/large firms, so I don't know the answer to this.

    • LH

      I’m in Biglaw and mid-level and senior associates at my firm definitely write briefs. Legal research is much more a junior/mid-level thing but senior associates will often supervise or double-check something important. This firm’s set up sounds really strange to me. I also think its really weird that paralegals do all written discovery. Do you just mean doc review or does this include drafting discovery requests? Normally both of these are junior associate tasks, although paralegals help.

      • Me-too

        Thanks so much for responding! Yes, I kind of think the firm is a bit atypical, but I just wanted to make sure as I suddenly realized that I don’t know for a fact that this is not the norm. Regarding discovery, it sounded like the paralegals full-on do all the drafting. The person I interviewed with said I would just sign off. The purpose is to keep costs low for the client…

      • Lyssa

        For whatever it might be worth, at my very small firm, my paralegal usually does the first draft of discovery requests, and I refine and add. For the most part, though, this just means getting a standard list of questions (i.e., we have a standard list of questions for divorce cases) and changing the names/style/etc. I often add or subtract questions then based on the specifics of the case.

        So, if it’s something where the same type of litigation is done over and over again, that might be what happens.

    • darjeeling

      I hope others have advice for you but I have never heard of this arrangement (not a litigator but on my 2nd biglaw firm) and I would not like this either, to be like a hired actor putting forth arguments that I had no hand in researching and developing.

      • Katy Beth

        I completely agree. Plus, I would think it would place you in an ethical bind since you are just “signing off” on things without really knowing what’s going on. I’d stay far away.

    • Maddie Ross

      I don’t know if it’s the norm, but I want that job! Are they still hiring? (j/k, but that sounds like my dream. I love the fact that moving up the totem pole means less legal research and drafting from scratch.)

    • MaggieLizer

      I know someone who works in a PI firm that’s structured like this. She likes it but I don’t think I would. You show up at court with a poorly-written, inadequately-researched motion you’ve barely had time to look at because you got it a few days before the hearing, and you’ve also had 2-4 depos a day scheduled since then. I guess the bonus is you get a lot of experience on your feet, but to me at least it just sounds stressful and exhausting. If you prefer the research and writing part of the job, then that kind of firm probably isn’t a good fit for you.

      • Me-too

        Okay, you hit the nail on the head here. I think this is exactly what’s going on at that firm (even down to the practice areas) and you’re right, it sounds like a bad fit for me!

    • Miss A

      I’m at a mid size place in NYC and our srs (5+) definitely write their own briefs even if they utilize jr help on research/proofing.

    • JessC

      My firm is actually structured somewhat similar to this and it’s not as horrible as it sounds. Almost all of our discovery and a percentage of our motions are drafted by paralegals and brought to the attorneys for review/revision/execution. Frankly, it just saves time and costs to the client. The paralegals bill at half the rate I do and rather than spending 2 hours preparing a response to discovery, I spend 30 minutes making corrections before I sign it and send it out (if it’s somebody new doing the responses, I usually give it back so they can make the corrections themself). But not all our drafting is done by the staff – stuff that’s more complex or is outside the norm are usually the responsibility of the attorneys.

      • JessC

        So I just went back and read one of OP’s responses. If they are expecting that you’ll just sign off on whatever the staff drafts for you, run, do not walk, away! I don’t see any problem with paralegals doing the first draft (ours are pretty decent and do a good job), as long as the attorney carefully reviews and revises before signing.

  19. Stephanie

    Can anyone recommend a stylish laptop bag? I’m looking at the O.G. bag but I’m not sure if I like the nylon look. I drive to work so wear and tear from the subway isn’t an issue. My max budget is $300.

    Thanks!

    • Miss A

      The mulberry Bayswater with the built in laptop panel?

      Oh wait. $300. I personally would just do the Longchamp to keep things light with a great cover.

    • In the Pink

      From Ebags I got two from Siamod recently. Wearing well.

      The one that looks like a tote, when I don’t need to look as though I have a briefcase but need to take my laptop is Monterosso.

      Then I have a briefcase one with the feature of file carrying that is called Ignoto. There are two others (Settembre and Servano) which don’t have file sections, but have a panel with all the loops and cubbies for electrics and pens/pencils.

      I like the warm cherry color and so far they are wearing well. Since Oct, the briefcase is in daily use.

      Best of all, I like Ebag’s feature that you can put in your laptop brand/model and they will find what you want that fits the machine! No more guessing and tape measures.

    • dancinglonghorn

      The Zara Office Bag is Amazing!! Mine just arrived and I am so impressed that I am ordering a back up in black for interviews and the tan one. Search on Youtube for reveiws of the Zara office bag – its under $100, fake leather but real enough looking.

  20. Blonde Lawyer

    Trial lawyers:

    What databases/subscription services do you prefer for keeping track of jury verdict/settlement amounts? Do you use any other software to value your cases?

    • Gail the Goldfish

      NY Judicial Review of Damages. I think verdict search is the underlying company for the trial-level decisions (and has the same similar products for other states), but we only care about what the appellate division will sustain. Though honestly I think the trial partners have been doing this long enough they can pretty much tell you the value of the case without any research, they just have the associates look up cases so they can back it up to the client. We get the actual physical booklets–I don’t know if there is no electronic database (I know there is for the trial-level decisions) or we just don’t subscribe to it (probably we just don’t subscribe to it. My firm is terrible with technology. Terrible).

  21. Anonymous

    I know thank you cards and letters post interview have been discussed several times on here, and I’m curious as to what to do in this situation:

    I had a second interview with a group of people that included the person that interviewed me the first time. The first time, I sent a follow-up thank you email. After the second interview, I sent a follow-up email to all of the people that interviewed me that included some information that they had requested during the interview. The email said thank you, but was not a specific thank you for meeting with me type email. Do I need to or should I follow up with a handwritten note card?

    Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      I know there is some disagreement on this- but I think handwritten notes are out. I think its only emailed ones. I think you are all set with the thank yous.

    • Anon

      I don’t know. I sent handwritten thank yous for a scholarship interview in law school, and was shocked to get back a handwritten thank you for my thank you from one of the panelists. Of course, he was probably 65+, but he hadn’t seen a handwritten thank you in so long that he thought it warranted a response encouraging the practice. Maybe if anyone on the panel is from the generation where that was standard, a handwritten reply would be appreciated. I don’t know how you do some written and some email thank you’s though… Would you have to be uniform about it?

    • darjeeling

      yeah for all the talk out there about handwritten notes, I have never received one from the dozens of call-back law firm interviews I’ve done over the years and only once or twice have I gotten an email or typed letter. I used to send notes when I interviewed for jobs in law school and people seemed really, really surprised to receive them (and I felt like a goofball once I started having written Mr. or Ms. X since everyone of course goes by first name only).

      In short, I think you’re fine not doing the handwritten note.

  22. Leslie

    I love this dress. Perfect for work, but still super cute. The bright colours are really appealing to me too.

  23. big dipper

    This might be too late in the morning to ask, but I found the 18 month goal v. 5 year goal discussion interesting yesterday. I’m about to graduate from law school, so I have exactly two 5 month goals (pass my classes to graduate, pass the bar).

    I’ll be starting in BigLaw this fall. What types of goals did you set as first year associates? What types of goals/expectations are reasonable to achieve during your first 18 months on the job in BigLaw?

    I feel like it will end up being so different from the summer, and I’d like to start thinking strategically about my career/role there from the get go.

    • eeyore

      It sounds like a good goal for BigLaw is to remember not to hate your life. No snark; everyone just seems miserable in BigLaw. But then again, I’m one to talk.

      • qwerty

        I agree with this goal. Plus, try not to be a jerk (to support staff, other lawyers, etc). The trait that did me the best as a junior associate was my relatively cheery disposition despite trying circumstances. I’m on great terms with support staff and they go above and beyond to help me, and more senior lawyers liked working with me because of my good attitude and those relationships continue to bring benefits.

        • SunnyD

          +1. This was my approach too and it worked very well (I left BigLaw voluntarily). Staff will go above and beyond for you, senior lawyers want to work with you, and junior lawyers do too.

          I’m still on great terms with the support staff and the lawyers. If you’re going to do the job anyway, you may as well have a good attitude about it.

    • Anon in NYC

      Professional goals that are achievable in your first 18 months: become well versed in the facts of your matters. Try to develop an expertise in a particular area on your case (if it’s a big case) – take a project and run with it (obviously always checking in with senior associates to make sure that they want you to do the work you’re doing). Remember to ask questions, but also to look for examples in your document system (like, if you have to draft an affirmation for a partner, try to find a prior example so that you get a sense of how s/he likes the language to be).

      You’re a first year, so people don’t expect you to be doing much more than learning how to do these things. Obviously if you can exceed this, that’s great. But remember that there’s a learning curve, and depending on the case/people, it can be steep, so don’t beat yourself up too much.

      Also, to echo eeyore – first year is hard. You’re navigating the office in a completely different way than when you were a summer. Things that were okay during your summer will not necessarily be okay now. You may work with partners who like face time and think you’re not really working unless you’re in the office. Remember that people above you – second years through senior associates and partners – are your “clients.” You may not have external client interaction for a few years, so remember that you have to treat these internal folks as your clients.

      And last, but definitely not least: Try to find ways to mitigate the stress and prevent it from taking over your life. Exercise and eating well help tremendously.

      • funkybroad

        This is really great advice.

        My own two cents: keep an open mind about what “success” will look for you at the 5-year-out mark. You may not know now what you will really and truly want to be doing, so plan your finances well, live well within your means (I won’t buy most of the stuff on this site, for instance, because I think it’s wayyyyy too expensive), and save money and/or pay off your loans as aggressively as you can. Things look different for everyone but I put ~30% of my take-home pay to rent, 50% to loans, and then have the rest for doctors, food, necessities, whatever.

        • k-padi

          This. Live like a student, pay down debt, and build a financial cushion before inflating your lifestyle. It doesn’t seem like a big deal 1st year but it is a huge deal in your 3rd or 4th year when you might be looking for an exit.

    • anon

      My firm has a list of first and second year “objectives.” A good place to start might be to see if your firm has one of those. For example, by the end of one’s first year, one should aim to have (1) drafted a memo (2) drafted a complaint (3) attended a deposition (4) drafted interrogatories (5) helped prepare a privilege log, etc. If it’s at all within your control–and often it’s not–I would try to ensure you have at least been introduced to all the “basics” within your first 18 months.

      More generally, good objectives are to (1) figure out what’s important to you and what you like doing, because chances are you won’t be in big law forever (2) save up money and pay off loans and (3) learn how to have a stressful time-intensive job while still maintaining a semblance of balance in your life (as others have said.)

      And please be nice to people. And don’t forget to do that when you become more senior.

    • TBK

      Only goal you need your first year: Don’t f—k up. I’m serious, and it’s neither as hard nor as easy as it sounds. No typos of any kind in anything you hand over to anyone above you. All citations perfectly formatted. Shepardize, Shepardize, Shepardize (including re-Shepardizing if a brief or memo has sat for any period of time, just in case a new case changed the validity of this one’s holding). Don’t produce anything privileged. Show up to meetings with a pad, pen, and copies of all relevant documents, including enough copies for everyone attending the meeting. (Making sure people have copies is your job. As is carrying stuff and paying cab fare when you’re traveling with a partner, fyi.) Don’t blow any deadlines. Don’t forward the brief to the client and address her as Jean when her name is Joan. Check your blackberry before you go to bed each night and when you wake up in the morning. If you’re supposed to have something faxed to opposing counsel, don’t assume your secretary sent it properly; make sure you see the confirmation page and compare the page count on the confirmation page with the page count on the document. Don’t forward opposing client the wrong draft of the brief. Or another client’s brief. Basically spend your first year assuming you are going to screw up and check, check, re-check, and re-check again anything that leaves your hands. If you can manage that, you’ll be doing pretty well for a first year. Sure, if there’s a project you can take and run with, do that, but it’s really the rare first year who’s capable. Just focus on not f—king up and leave it to your second and third years to really start dazzling people.

      • Anon

        And this is why I had to leave Biglaw –

        Check your blackberry before you go to bed each night and when you wake up in the morning.

        I don’t even own a blackberry anymore :)

    • aw

      This is a no-fun goal, but figure out what the yearly hours expectation is ( and the unspoken one, if that’s different from the published requirement). Then figure out your monthly goal and aim to meet or exceed it. A wise senior associate gave me that advice several years ago.

  24. Tired Owl

    Stuff You Learned from Your Parents Threadjack

    1. What is one thing your parents taught you (either explicitly or implicitly) that you are grateful to have learned from them and try to uphold in your life today?

    2. What is one thing that your parents taught you that you now either find wrong/disagree with, or have made efforts to counter?

    Me: (1) “It’s the mature thing to do to acknowledge and apologize if you do something wrong. Don’t be defensive. It doesn’t make you right, it just makes you an *ss.”

    (2) My mother was raised to be super-competitive and catty towards other women. And I’ve spent a lot of time thinking through and rejecting everything she tried to impart to me about how I related to other women.

    For years, whenever I’ve mentioned a group of women friends, her first question was whether I was prettier or thinner than all of them and whether I had a higher status job and whether they were all jealous of the guy I was dating at the time or not. Ugh. Her view was to subtly condescend to the ones deemed less pretty/less thin/less successful and to be jealous of the ones deemed more pretty/thinner/more successful. Double ugh.

    If I hadn’t rejected this toxic crap, I’d never have the wonderful women friends I have today.

    • Joanna Toews

      1) “People are great. Life is full of humour. There’s beauty everywhere.”

      2) “Depressed people should stop being selfish and snap out of it. Life isn’t that hard.”

      • Anonymous

        I learned that people who think depression isn’t really are stupid jerks.

        • Joanna Toews

          Yo, those are my parents you’re talking about.

          When my husband and I came clean about our own mental health issues — what medications we were taking and why — they became a whole lot more understanding.

    • wintergreen126

      Interesting questions!

      (1) Be engaged citizens, know what’s going on in the world. My dad used to make us watch the evening news everyday. And even though the point was lost on me when I was 8, I get it now. My mom had her green card forever, and she finally became a naturalized citizen in the summer of 08, and the first things she did were register to vote and sign up to campaign for Hilary Clinton. She canvassed, went door to door, made phone calls,went to funraising events and rallies, everything. My mom was far more engaged in the political process than I ever was; she was fully exercising her rights as an American citizen.

      (2) When I was in grade school, my mom always knew who the other smart kids in my class were, and she always compared me to them. Like, “How did X do? Did he do better than you? Or how about Y? How did she do?” I get that the point was to galvanize me into working harder, which it did, but all it really did was make me feel bad–that’s what I remember most about it.

      I’m still competitive, but I think now that it’s better to be competitive with yourself than constantly compare yourself to others.

    • TBK

      Wow, great topic.

      1) Nothing is impossible. If you want something, go make it happen. Never say “I can’t.” Instead say “I haven’t learned how to do that yet.” If someone else says “you can’t,” figure out a way around them.

      2) Men are worthy of contempt. Their pasttimes — sports, beer, cars — are stupid. They lie. If they say they love you, they’re only trying to get something from you. Or else they’re simply doormats and aren’t worthy of respect. Women who fall head over heels in love are fools to be judged and pitied because they’re wasting their time on something as stupid as a man.

      My mother never said #2 outright of course. It took therapy for me to figure out that the reason I never seemed to have a real boyfriend and only random hook-ups or casual relationships was that I had no respect for men (it was easy to say to my mom “I’m seeing a guy, but not seriously” but much harder to say “I love this man and want to marry him”). It was actually a huge realization for me that men felt things like love, vulnerability, sadness. After I got that figured out, Mr. TBK came along. :)

      • Wannabe Runner

        My mom sent this message too! Everything bad that happens in the world is a man’s fault, per my mom.

        But I decided I didn’t want to be single when I was in my 70s. I wanted to be in love with a man, who actually took care of me (even though I could take care of myself if I wanted).

        So I got married, too. And my mom goes back and forth on whether she likes my husband. I think she’s figuring it out, too.

    • frugal doc..

      1) Good lesson learned? Save save save save save… Live within your means.

      2) Bad lesson learned, unintentionally? Worry about money… all… the…time. I feel constant guilt about buying anything, and I worry about retirement all the time.

      My mother died too soon from cancer, and now my father is severely disabled after being hit by a car. They never got to enjoy their savings or retirement….. despite saving for it their entire life. So this led to another good lesson learned from my parents, indirectly… never wait too long to enjoy life, because you never know what tomorrow will bring. Everything can change in an instant.

    • Anonymous

      (1) “Always look at the inside of the dress” (My mother was a trained seamstress and she still put clothes inside out for inspection before buying. It drove me mad when I was a teenager, and now I do the same)

      (2) “Don’t bother to try, you’ll fail” (no comment).

    • locomotive

      1. Don’t marry (and stay married) to someone who you aren’t in love with. Your kids will hate you and be scarred from it. This is actually really a mixed blessing because it has made me desperate enough for affection/love that I’ve ended up in bad relationships, but I also look at how unhappy my mom is in her life and refuse to just accept that fate for myself and have gotten out of those bad relationships and have become a self-sufficient adult who refuses to settle out of loneliness because of it.

      2. My parents taught me that mental illness wasn’t a real thing (my aunt has bipolar disorder, and they just always referred to it as her ‘head thing’). My brother was very depressed as a teenager and I’ve also been mildly depressed while growing up and I was always made to feel like there was something wrong with me and I just needed to get over it. When I finally started going to therapy and figuring out my issues, my outlook on life became so much better.

    • SoCalAtty

      From mom: bad, but true lesson? In Southern CA, everyone is out to get you. It’s awful, but it’s proven to be true! Weird opposite rule: everyone has good intentions.

      The “everyone has good intentions / believe the best in everyone” thing was kind of organic. That’s what my mom really believed deep down, even though her experiences taught her it wasn’t true. I just can’t beat that idea out of myself, which results in me being too trusting and giving people the benefit of the doubt too frequently. We’re working on it.

      From dad: you can’t pursue the career you really want (music) because you won’t make any money in it. My dad is a musician but has always had to have a day job. Now I’m learning that if I had continued to study music through college and on to grad school, I could have picked up a spot in an orchestra and made pretty decent money, or worked as a studio musician. Kind of a bummer.

      From grandparents that actually raised me: “You can have anything you want as long as you work really hard and keep at it.” Up until this year, I had stopped believing it…but now I do again.

    • Anon

      1) You are responsible for your own happiness. This was actually quite empowering to learn.

      2) Men and marriage are awful. Why would you want to get married, he is just going to cheat on you and leave you.

    • Granola

      1) Never ever be financially dependent on a man. Make sure you can always stand on your on feet and that you plan so that you’ll be OK whatever happens. (My mom learned this the hard way).

      2) Men are jerks, etc…and marriage is pointless. She has mellowed on this now, but I guess the experience related to (1) colored this. I grew up being highly suspicious of most men because of this, but now I’m a fan of many of them.

      • Tired Owl

        Your (2) answer seems to be cropping up a bit.

        In the same vein, one of my friends (a guy) told me that if a guy goes to a bar, any bar, where the clientele is 90% male, and says, “aww man, women are crazy,” he’ll get agreement, some sympathetic looks, and somebody will probably buy him a drink.

        He also added that if you want to start a fight (in a bar, at Thanksgiving dinner, or anywhere), is to tell the painful truth: “It’s not that men/women are crazy/worthless/the root of all evil, or that marriage is bad, it’s that YOU HAPPENED TO CHOOSE POORLY and don’t want to take personal responsibility for it.”

    • NOLA

      1. Live within your means.

      2. My mom never respected my dad. My mom was an extremely intelligent woman who didn’t go as far with her education (past bachelor’s degree) as my dad did because she helped him through it. I guess I fell into that as well, but not about education. It’s something I addressed in therapy because it worried me that it was a pattern for me and my ex-H accused me of it. Now, I can say that I love and respect my SO and it doesn’t matter to me that he never finished college. What matters to me is that he was completely committed to his career and is passionate about the things he enjoys in his life (including me). What I discovered is that it wasn’t a pattern – it was that I married the wrong man!

    • CountC

      (1) That all people are equal, I am no better than anyone else and that I should treat all people with respect and kindness.

      (2) I was taught to hold myself to exceptionally and unrealistically high expectations, which has led to a lot of anguish and a paralyzing fear of failure.

    • Wannabe Runner

      1. Balance your checkbook. Every month. My parents got me a savings account when I was like 6, and a checking account with a Visa debit card when I was like 8. My mom paid me my allowance in a check with her regular bills each month. I had to take the check to the bank and deposit it, and balance my checkbook, including the times I used my debit card. (Most merchants accepted it. They just thought my parents had let me borrow their credit card. If they didn’t, I pulled out my checkbook and wrote a check.) I think this was a great way for a kid to learn math, accounting, responsibility, and become comfortable with financial terms.

      2. From mom: That everything wrong with the world is the fault of men. That being a capable, independent woman means that you don’t need to rely on other people. I am very independent, but it’s important to me to have close relationships now. My mom has pushed all of her people away by holding grudges. My dad (divorced from mom) taught me unintentionally that he loves flawed women, so I learned that I’m capable of being loved, too, even though I’m not perfect.

    • Pest

      (1) From my Dad- you can do anything you put your mind to if you work hard.
      (2) From my Mom- the way you are is the way you are biologically and you can never change. For instance, she says she can never be organized, a good custodian of her finances, etc. because she is just not that way and did not inherit those qualities.

      The key to accomplishing things is taking ownership of your successes and failures.

    • Lobbyist

      Good lessons:
      Work hard, strive hard, follow the rules and good things will come your way.
      Be independent.

      Bad lessons:
      You’ve had so many benefits and advantages by coming from a middle class family that you really don’t deserve to be unhappy or upset ever, about anything.
      Your appearance is what matters most.

  25. EB0220

    I should send thank-you notes for internal interviews, right? Even when I know the interviewer so well that I know what he will order for dinner down to the drink? It seems kind of silly, but I would rather be safe than thoughtless.

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