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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 123 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Double O-Ring Belt

Coffee Break |

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I was thinking about belts when we were talking about last week's Suit of the Week — and how we don't feature enough of them. Express has a bunch of cute ones right now, and this one is only $23, with 18 positive reviews. As the product page notes, you could wear this with jeans or to cinch an oversize shirt or dress — and you could also use it on top of a blazer or cardigan. Express also has a really cute triple O belt. I don't think I can get behind some of the beaded belts they're offering, but this looks like a slightly interesting style that's cute, too. It's currently on sale from $39 to $23. Double O-Ring Belt This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Since this posted late – What’s your “goal” salary. I don’t mean like it’d be nice to make $5mil even though I’m a social worker. I mean the number where you think – if I made $x next year or in the next 5 years, I’d be in good shape. Helpful if you could state industry and city.

    • Anonymous

      $50k, in higher ed in a LCOL area. I make $48k now and have a husband who makes considerably more so this change wouldn’t really affect my lifestyle but it would be nice for psychological reasons to hit that even 50.

    • Anonymous

      100k, government attorney, major east coast city. I did the math and with minimum annual raises, I’ll probably get there in 6 years, sooner if I get more than the minimum. Thinking that thought actually makes me feel better, because that number would put me in a place where my current budget tightness can be loosened.

    • Anon

      So I’m not trying to shut this conversation down, I think it’s nice that we can talk more bluntly about finances here than other settings. But I’ve noticed that there have been at least three different not-really-that-late-but-then-reposted-in-the-next-thread questions about (broadly) the connection between money and self worth in the past week or so. There’s probably at least one poster really struggling with this issue and trying to work through it, and it’s a tough issue so that makes sense. But these questions aren’t likely to yield actionable information – they’re very broad surveys from a diverse group of people with totally different career and financial goals. They can be interesting to talk about, but at one point I wonder if there’s a bit of self-torture going jumping between reactions like “how can I ever achieve what this person has” and “this other person doesn’t get it because they’re not as ambitious as I am”?

      • Anonymous

        A lot of posts/topics don’t really yield ‘actionable info’.

        I just use the ‘collapse comments’ button above and only read the stuff I’m interested in. If people aren’t interested, they can skip. If they are interested, they can read. I skip everything wedding related.

        • Anon

          Fair enough. I guess it reads a bit like these questions are being posed in search of an answer they are not actually going to yield, and I wanted to raise that – no amount of information-gathering is likely to help someone figure out how much money will make them feel okay both in terms of financial security and with their own sense of accomplishment. Fwiw, I agree the conversations can be interesting.

      • Anonymous

        You are trying to shut it down. Guys discuss this stuff all the time even across industries, yet for women it turns into who needs therapy for self worth issues?

        • Ellen

          We should NEVER define our self worth by our salarie’s. We are alot more then a paycheck. We bring value and common sense to whereever it is we work, and the money we are paid is NOT the main consideration. I remember when I was serveing supeenies, I made money ONLEY if I served the supeenie, but I NEVER threw any of them in the garbage (or down the sewer, a/k/a “sewer service”) b/c it would NOT be honest and I would have to fake an affidavid to get money, which others did but I NEVER did, even tho I did NOT make money on some days.

          So it is honesty and good will that we, as women, should strive for and eventually, our ships will come in, hopefully for me at least in the form of a decent man who will respect me for my intellect and bar membership, and not just b/c he can show me off to his freinds as his woman (FOOEY on that! I am far more important then eye candy). THAT is what we should strive for. Respect, irregardless of the size of our paycheck’s or bank account’s. YAY!!!!!!!

      • Anonymous

        I’m one of the responders to the thread. Thinking this through actually helped me think some things through in my mind – when I realized how soon I would reach the number that I feel comfortable with, I felt much better. Perhaps that wasn’t the stated goal of the post, but I personally found the post both interesting and actionable!

        • Anon

          In that case, I suppose I misread. Like I said, I don’t want to shut the conversation down – consider me chastened. :)

      • Anonymous

        I responded on the earlier thread and it pushed me to actually do the math to figure out what salary I would need to cover the student loan payments all other things not withstanding. It was at least useful to me in that way.

        • Anonymous

          +1 to that reasoning.

          Also, my parents had non professional jobs growing up (food service, janitorial), so even now I’m still learning what the range of salaries are for white collar professionals. I’m now at a non-profit in HCOL making $50K and feel crazy wealthy. It’s eye opening for me to hear that others can make double that or more and still have decent work/life balance – and helpful because I’m looking to move to something that pays better, but have no idea where to start.

        • Rainbow Hair

          Oh I hadn’t thought of it that way — what $# would let me not be full of anxiety at the end of the month, and is that achievable? To the mathmobile!

    • Need a new handle

      I’ll play. In-house attorney west coast HCOL. Currenty, I make approx $210K all in (with bonus, etc.). DH is a biglaw attorney, 6th year. He’d like to go into government but we don’t feel we can afford that on my in-house salary. We bought a house and are having a child and I do not feel wealthy in any way. My goal isn’t so much a number as a level of comfort. Maybe I’d achieve it if I hit closer to $300k? Everything is just SO expensive but honestly I’m in entertainment and my job doesn’t exist outside of Los Angeles.

    • anon

      I’d like to get back up to 50k in my MCOL city (higher ed). I left private sector jobs making a bit over that, but with insane hours and supervisory responsibilities. I’m at 38k now but with an easy, 40 hr/week job and good benefits. 50k in an individual contributor role would be great.

    • Anonymous

      I wanted $50K too and got there a few years ago. I’m a statistician who can write SAS code and I work in pharma and I make a little over $110,000. I have a master’s in statistics and work 37.5 hours per week.

  2. Anonforthis

    Anyone have any experience with an older member of the family having (but not treating) borderline personality disorder? Coping mechanisms or other validating stories appreciated.

    • BB

      I posted this in the morning, but it’s my favorite rec for this: Search for the “Alice” story on Captain Awkward. Reading (and re-reading it when things get tough) has been super helpful for dealing with my BPD MIL!

    • Anonymous

      There are DBT skills classes for the family of people borderline personality disorder. I found the class very helpful (and very practical). I think it was only a few hours on a Saturday, but it really helped to have a lot of concrete things to say and do (and some very accurate predictions of how things might go down).

          • Counterproductive nausea meds?

            Dialectic behavior therapy. It was specifically developed because most other methods did not address borderline personalit disorder. But I found it helpfull for depression and anxiety because it’s very practical.

    • Torin

      Yes. After trying cutting off contact for a time, I have settled for maintaining minimal contact and extremely low expectations of this person. I keep in touch to make sure they’re OK, but try to avoid sharing much beyond the facts about my personal life, and nothing about my personal feelings. I do not respond to the (many) abusive texts and emails I get. I don’t even read most of them. I see this person about once every 6 weeks, and text them a few times a month. That’s a much as I can handle. I have stopped expecting this person to be capable of adult communication or providing any emotional support whatsoever.

      I have also stopped hoping and expecting they will ever get better. I spent many, many hours (no, actually, if you add it all up, it was years) of my life upset by the (quite literally) gigabytes of abusive emails and the screaming and yelling and name calling. I agonized over what to do and how to fix it. In order to stop myself from losing it, I had to let go of the idea that I could do anything or fix anything. They will never, ever change. I accept that.

      YMMV but this is what works for me.

    • Coach Laura

      I am not an expert nor a doctor but my understanding is that borderline personality disorder (BPD) isn’t amenable to “treating” and certainly not if the BPD person doesn’t want to get better. So what Torin says above, not expecting it to get better ever, is a good way to cope. One can’t change it or make it go away, so keeping it from impacting you is the best way to go.

    • AnonZ

      My mother has never been diagnosed with BPD but meets most of the criteria – I wasn’t even aware of what BPD was until my therapist talked about it after hearing my describe my mother.

      My solution for her is to mostly be emotionally disengaged. She is my mother and I love her, and things are not so bad that I feel the need to cut off contact. So, I call her every couple weeks and talk about very innocuous topics: pets, movies/books, cooking, the weather, etc. When the conversation drifts into difficult territory, I either change the subject or just come up with an excuse to get off the phone. I have found that it is not worth confronting her about these things or even trying to set boundaries – that only results in all sorts of arguing and accusations. Instead, I often time the calls to have a specific and pressing issue that I can use to end it whenever. Like I say at the beginning of a call, “Just wanted to call and say hi! I just popped dinner in the oven so I have a few minutes here.” And then I’m free at any time to say, “Ah shoot! I’ve gotta run and get dinner out of the oven!”

      So that’s my self-preservation technique, to keep from getting too emotionally worn down by her intensity and also her cruelty/callousness in dealing with other people’s (i.e. my) emotions. Similar to what others have said, I have no expectation that she will ever change, and I have definitely had to process/mourn for the relationship I will never have with my mother.

      I also remind myself that her mental issues make her feel very isolated, lonely, unhappy, self-conscious, etc. It is not easy to be her and to have to live inside her own head all the time. Sometimes that gives me some empathy. (Sometimes it doesn’t.)

  3. Return Poster Anxiety

    I am the poster who a few weeks ago asked when you know it’s time to get meds for anxiety after trying lifestyle changes, etc. I think I’ve finally accepted the answer I received, which is that now is the time, but where do I go? My area doesn’t have great medical care so my choices are to wait six weeks to go to a probably mediocre psychiatrist or go see my PCP in the next week or so. I am feeling overwhelmed by the choices in meds, as well. I can have a great week with no anxiety and then a multi day spiral where it’s all consuming, so I’d really just like to make those bad days stop.

    • Return Poster Anxiety

      I know therapy is recommended here a lot so just want to add I’ve been in therapy for nine months. She’s generally not a fan of medication but agrees it may be time.

      • Rainbow Hair

        I don’t think it’s appropriate for your therapist to tell you that she’s generally opposed to medication. I hope that doesn’t make this harder for you!

    • Anonymous

      Your therapist is terrible!!

      Go to your PCP now. You don’t need to decide what medication is best. Let the trained doctor do that.

    • Anon

      Go see your PCP now. Tell them you’re struggling and need help while you work to line up therapy. When I was in your shoes, I was so.nervous. about how it’d go, whether they’d believe me, whether they’d question my symptoms. There’s a standard questionnaire that asks easy questions (“how often do you feel X?” “Always, often, sometimes, rarely”) that they are likely to use to go over your experiences.

      If your PCP will prescribe for you, then you can see any type of therapist, not just a psychiatrist, which is really nice.

      Hugs and good luck.

      • anony

        +1 – felt the same way but I just told him I was feeling depressed and we were able to talk about it. It wasn’t nearly as difficult as I thought it would be and I started feeling better within a matter of weeks.

  4. Anon

    Does anyone have advice for telling your job you’re pregnant when you’ve only been there for a few months?

    I’m a lateral associate at a mid-law firm. After years of infertility and failed IVfs, putting TTC on hold wasn’t a realistic option for us, and I’m thrilled to finally be expecting. Still, I’m terrified of telling my employer and am to the point where I can’t put it off anymore.

    I wasn’t pregnant when I started, and I can’t decide if I should give them any explanation about the timing other than just the basic announcement.
    I wouldn’t mind telling my supervisor some background just to let him know I didn’t plan to take the job and then go on leave within a year – but I’m not sure it would be helpful, and I don’t want to make things more awkward than necessary.

    I can’t imagine they’ll be very happy about the situation, but my gut feeling is there’s nothing I can say will change that. I just really not want to make things worse.

    • Anonymous

      Zero background. Zero. Wait as long as you can, then tell them. Figure out what, if any, leave you are entitled to.

        • Anon

          Thanks. I’m 20 weeks (but not showing yet, which I know is unusual.) So as much as I’d like to continue to put it off, I think I’ve exhausted the waiting as long as possible.

    • Anonymous

      Just announce, don’t offer an explanation. The timing is not ideal but it happens.

      • Anon

        Thanks. I’m curious what the reasoning is for no explanation – I know I don’t “owe” them one, but I’m trying to sort out whether sharing a little context would be helpful (or just weird.)

        • Aunt Jamesina

          It’s very likely an overshare depending on your office and definitely entirely irrelevant to your employer; women (and men) shouldn’t feel they have to justify having a personal life. Nobody should feel obligated to give a backstory to deciding to have a baby or surgery or any other medical or personal issue that would necessitate a leave.

    • Shortie

      I’ve been in a similar situation. Just announce when you have to. I think I managed to get to 16 weeks before I told partner I worked for most. And don’t offer more information than you have to. No excuses are necessary and it’s not like you can do anything about it now. Just keep doing your job. Luckily, big firms generally give you the full maternity leave whether you’ve been there a full year or not, although you will not be eligible for FMLA if you’re not there the full 12 months prior to the birth.

    • Anon

      “I wasn’t pregnant when I started, and I can’t decide if I should give them any explanation about the timing other than just the basic announcement.”

      While some people do get pregnant immediately upon trying, grown adults should know that these things often can’t be planned for (either way – accidental pregnancies happen, and infertility happens).

      • tesyaa

        I once started a job 5 weeks pregnant. I had been dealing with secondary infertility when I interviewed and I didn’t know if it would take months or years to get pregnant. I also didn’t know if I would miscarry, etc (especially since I’d had a miscarriage the year before). So even if you were pregnant when you started, there’s no need to explain or excuse. Since then, I’ve seen others start jobs and announce pregnancies and realized they too were pregnant when they started.

        (The company I was at was a tiny firm and was absolutely terrible about my pregnancy and really resented that I was pregnant when I started – they did the math. This was 20+ years ago and I hope that there’s more tolerance now).

    • Scarlett

      While I agree that you shouldn’t have to provide context or information, I would consider doing so depending on the politics of your firm. There’s the world we live in, which often demands explanations even when it shouldn’t.

      • Anon

        Thanks. I see your point, and I don’t mind sharing really any amount of information – I’m comfortable being pretty open about all of it (even if I don’t “owe” them an explanation technically speaking.) But I don’t want to be inappropriate either, so I’m having a hard time figuring out how much to say.

        • Scarlett

          I’m a pretty open person & have had good luck in general with an authentic and open approach at work. I’d probably err on the side of sharing more rather than less, but a lot of that is really situation dependent.

      • DClawyer

        I agree with this. I wouldn’t give a lot of personal information, but if it makes you feel better, I think it’s okay to say something along the lines of “I need to let you know I am pregnant and due on X date. I wish the timing worked out where I would work here longer before taking leave. However, we have been hoping to have a child for several years, so we really are grateful to finally be able to start a family. I will be taking leave but look forward to jumping back into the work after!” or whatever. (I don’t think you owe them an explanation, but I think a non-detailed comment is totally fine and human and there’s a decent chance they will be happy for you/supportive).

  5. BB

    Is there a benefit (or danger) to using Retin-A products when I don’t really have wrinkles yet? I got a bunch of samples of Avene RetinAL products that mostly seem to be for fine lines and wrinkles. I’m a bit curious to try, but am in my early 30s and don’t really have anything to fix. I do have some lines under my eyes, but I think they’re more tired lines than wrinkles…will this help?

    • Anonymous

      Can you use Retin-A that close to your eyes?

      I was on Retin-A for acne years ago and I had to stop using it because it was so hard on my skin. I got red, flaky patches that were worse than the acne. Maybe the product has gotten better since then?

      • BB

        You know, now I check the Avene website, it appears to not be Retin-A, but actually Retinaldehyde, which I guess is gentler? Either way, I’m wondering if there’s any preventative benefits to me using it here or if it’s something I use once I have wrinkles.

        • Anonymous

          At your age I believe it will prevent them. I’ve been using a retinaldehyde (Mad Hippie) and it kind of softens them but I’m over 50 so probably started too late.

      • Anonymous

        No, sweetie, not at all. Some of us just ended up with good genetics, and/or we wore sunscreen.

      • Anon

        I’m 41 and I don’t have wrinkles. Really. Good genetics + religious use of sunscreen since my early teens. People generally peg me at about 25-27. (cuz I color the gray hair lolol)

        • Pep

          I’m 53 and I don’t have wrinkles. To you young women, I say: Always wear sunscreen/sunblock on your face and back of hands, and wear sunglasses every time you go outside. They will protect your eyes from UV light, and will keep you from squinting.

  6. Care package help!

    One of my dearest friends woke up two weeks ago to the call that her mother had died suddenly and unexpectedly. She’s spending some time working remotely to help her dad transition to his new normal, so is suddenly away from her apartment for almost a month. I want to send her a care package at her dad’s– what would you send a friend in this situation? So far I’ve got a few good books and some yummy herbal tea– the more specific the recs, the better.

    • Anon

      A bar of quality chocolate, a nice card, maybe some bath salts? It would be nice to put something in for her dad too, or something they can share.

    • Anon

      I think a few good books are a great idea! If she had to fly to her dad’s, I might add some really nice hand cream or other toiletries that you know she likes – if that was me I’d probably just have grabbed my travel bag of 3-ounce stuff, which is fine for a few days but usually a pretty barebones version what I like to use. Also, this is VERY know your audience, but I’ve seen several friends react to major losses by trying to make their days more structured and get themselves out of the house (okay, that sounds like HRC, but really I’m just thinking of several friends who have lost parents recently). So depending on how she and her dad are doing now, they might appreciate something to do with an activity, like maybe a guide to a local nature preserve or something or tickets to a museum?

    • Anon in NYC

      How sad. I would add foods like chocolate bars, trail mixes, and instant oatmeal. Stuff that she can eat without having to think about it.

    • S in Chicago

      A gift card to a restaurant that’s nearby. It will encourage them to get a break away from the house. It can be really depressing spending all day somewhere where you deeply feel what’s missing. A change of scene can really help give a brief relief.

      And if you’re super close friends, ask her if there is anything at her place that she would like you to pick up and mail. I had to be suddenly away from my place for a few weeks once and what I packed in haste wasn’t nearly what I needed. (I had no running shoes and was going nuts.) She may have some specific request on something she left behind that she wouldn’t dream of imposing on someone to get but might mention if directly asked.

      You’re very kind to do this. Also, I’d suggest emailing more frequently than you might normally. Hearing about the mundane somewhere else can really help with feeling more grounded when you’re facing a lot of upheaval.

      • Anon

        Yes to checking in more often. I would not send more food–we were absolutely inundated with food–an excessive quantity of food, from local friends who just wanted to help, but even managing the fridge was a huge task. Yes to books or silly magazines (tabloidy the better) to take her mind off things (put a note to this effect, so she doesn’t think you’re making light of the situation), and yes to offering to help with whatever at home.

        But really, just talking to a good friend to help process your emotions and to just chitchat about lighter things is very helpful. Your whole world is rocked and you do want a sense of normalcy, but you’re also reeling.

        In all honesty, processing grief took way longer than a month. The first month was almost for helping other people process their grief–lots of notes and cards and phone calls and “I had no idea/it’s so sudden/I remember the time” and then logistics–cleaning closets, dealing with financials and personal stuff like computers and files and photos…and then after that, I had time to breathe and it was so, so, so hard.

        I went alternately from being voracious (because I would forget to eat) to lacking appetite completely, because my body was in shock and I was traumatized from having watched the death. (In my case it was a LT terminal illness, but the death was sudden in that we expected much more time than we ended up getting. And watching the death was very shocking–I’m not a doctor and had never seen anything like it.)

        Definitely call and text ALL THE TIME, even if it’s just little “thinking of you!” type texts.

        • legal canuck

          +1 to not sending food. When my nana passed, the entire family had fridge loads of casseroles, cookies and sandwiches.

          one of my best friends came over and told my husband to go to the funeral home and she would take the kids. She did not take no for an answer.

          Another when they visited the home, asked me if I ate, when I said I couldn’t remember, she sent her hubby out for coffee and a sandwich and sat with me and made me eat.

          Another one sent me a gift card to a local family restaurant. After the dust settled, and it hit my grandfather that he would have to face meals alone, it helped to take him out.

          Any thinking of of you calls were appreciated. And the most appreciated where the ones who told me what I needed. The general “if you need anything, call” did not work. I didn’t want to put anyone out.

    • anon

      I just put together a care package for someone who lost a family member. I included: tea, nice bar of chocolate, bath bomb, a face mask, and hand lotion. I got everything at Whole Foods.

    • Anon

      Fuzzy socks assuming shes wfh at her dad’s. Or any cute socks/yoga pants/sweater honestly. I cannot remember doing laundry or how I even got dressed when I went through this with my dad.

      A giftcard to a grocery delivery service in the area so she can choose some food she might want.

      Books, preferably interesting but on the lighter side.

      Lots of texts/offers to call. Especially after this month and beyond. People truly do fade away after the first few months.

    • Anon

      This isn’t the question you asked, I know, but one other thing you can do now is to mark important dates on your calendar – her mom’s birthday, anniversaries of the date of her death, etc. – and send a card or message on those dates. A lot of people will have moved on by then, so it’s really nice to be remembered.

    • Rainbow Hair

      Depending on what she’s like, she might be grateful for an activity she can do while hanging out with her dad. I’ve enjoyed working through a “teach yourself calligraphy” book and good ol’ jigsaw puzzles lately.

  7. Counterproductive nausea meds?

    Has anyone found that anti-nausea meds make them vomit more? I take them for migraines but its starting to seem easier to tough-out the pain than take something and spend 3 days praying to the porcelain god. This happened with phenadoz, so they switched me to prochlorperazine, which was better for awhile but now is even worse than the phenadoz…
    Am I imagining this?

    • Sloan Sabbith

      Zofran is the easiest to handle for me. Promethazine knocks me out hard; anti-psychotics with anti-nausea qualities really f me up. I also get good results from Ativan.

      I threw up a LOT more on Haldol.

  8. Anonymous

    What’s the right tone for this? An acquaintance posted on fb that she had her baby quite early; the baby will be in NICU for a while. She’s on my Christmas card list so I have her address and could send a card and/or flowers. 1) Is your standard, congrats on the new baby, type card appropriate here? Or should I send a, thinking of you and your family, card? 2) I haven’t seen her in person in years – is sending flowers too personal?

      • Anon

        Totally disagree. I had a baby in the nicu for 6 weeks. I really appreciated getting all of the normal congrats on new baby cards. Don’t send her a sad, thinking of you card. If she posted a picture of the baby, compliment how cute it is, like you would any baby. You could say something in the card like you’re excited for all of them and hope the baby is home soon. Keep it positive.

      • Anonymous

        Disagree. If you exchange Christmas cards it’s appropriate to say something in this situation. I think flowers would be nice but not necessary, but I would definitely send a card to say something like congrats and also thinking of you and hoping everything goes well.

    • Anon

      How early is early? I think a combination is probably appropriate – congratulations on your new addition, thinking of you during your hospital stay. I wouldn’t over-think it.

      • Anon

        Also – instead of flowers, what about a care package with snacks and some basic need items like nice hand lotion, etc. Depending on how early the baby arrived, she may not have had anything packed and might be relying on the hospital gift shop (which tends to be insanely expensive.)

        • Anon

          Care package would be wonderful. Even better is to send a nice, cute preemie outfit. Most parents don’t buy preemie clothes and they’re really nice to have once the hospital lets the baby wears clothes.

          • trefoil

            +1 And she can donate the preemie clothes to the NICU once her baby outgrows them. My friend’s baby just got released from the NICU and it was so sweet to watch him go from swimming in preemie clothes to outgrown to wearing newborn outfits over the last few months.

            For a care package, lotion, giftcards for a hospital coffeeshop, or meal delivery would be helpful, especially if they’re nervous about celebrating this early.

        • Anonymous

          I agree. Friends had an NICU baby and didn’t spend much time at home so flowers might go to waste. Food would be better.

          • Anonymous

            +1 Flowers can’t be in the NICU and she probably won’t be home much.

      • OP

        Idk how early… she didn’t say in her post and if she previously posted a due date I didn’t see it.

    • Anonymous

      I would send a regular congrats card but include a short note that you’re thinking of them and you hope baby is well enough to go home soon. Instead of flowers, I would send these onesies – premies often can’t wear regular baby clothes because they need lots of snaps so medical stuff can be done. These are hard to find in store sometimes and new parents don’t want to have to run around the city trying to find them. https://www.amazon.com/Spasilk-Unisex-baby-Cotton-Bodysuit-Preemie/dp/B001W0ZM0U/ref=sr_1_22?s=apparel&ie=UTF8&qid=1522698687&sr=1-22&nodeID=1046236&psd=1&refinements=p_n_size_two_browse-vebin%3A1289792011&psc=1

    • Anon

      I’d reach out with congratulations. Instead of flowers, I’d spend your money having a meal delivered to the new parents at the hospital. Even if it is just Jimmy John’s or another quick, obvious place that delivers, it’s a meal they don’t need to think about or pay for that allows them to spend time with their baby.

      • Anon

        A gift card for food they can get delivered to the hospital. UberEats, Grubhub, whatever is big in your area. They’ll be spending lots of time there, and the hospital cafeteria gets old fast.

      • legal canuck

        Yes I would reach out with congrats, no flowers but gift cards to food that be delivered. IT is super stressful to have a kid in the hospital and you are never home.

  9. Anonymous

    Looking to leave corporate job for a much smaller company. Tips on where to find great positions? Is Angel List good?

  10. Anonymous

    What would be your salary expectation here – small non profit (30-40 employees, 5 lawyers) in NYC doing employment work. I’m interviewing – litigator with 8 years experience for a “deputy head of litigation role” though IDK if the deputy part means much with 5 attorneys, my boss would be the head of lit. Checked the tax filings and her salary appears to be 120-125k and rye highest paid person is the president of the org at 210-230k. I didn’t want to have to make the opening pitch on salary but they’re asking – I know I need to stay under the head of lit salary but by how much?

    • Anonymous

      Maybe 105K? They may come back around 95K. Can you see the salaries for the other solicitors? Or ask how their other solicitors are compensated? Compensation is not just salary – are they matching 401K contributions?

      • Anonymous

        The tax filing is only required to list out the comp of the highest x number of officers. The head of legal falls on there which is why I know her salary and can use that as the upper limit. The 401k match is supposed to be good but IDK what it is exactly.

    • Anonymous

      just fyi, if this is for the EDF, they were very pushy about knowing my range before letting me proceed with substantive interview…when I said 100k (based on the tax filings of the highest earning atty), that seemed too high for them (“you’re sure you can’t go lower? you’re sure? you’re sure?”). you may be talking about a different environmental org in NYC of similar size, but maybe this is a helpful point of comparison.

  11. Blepharoplasty?

    Anyone have experience or advice with upper lid bleph? Or recs in DC? My Dr. suggested this might be worth looking into for me since my forehead lines (which I get Botox for) are aggravated by having to hold up my eyebrows to compensate for my prematurely hooded lids. Very interested to hear any advice! Thanks, ladies.

    • Anon in NYC

      My mom had it done, because her eyelids were actually interfering with her vision. She looked like she was permanently squinting. Her recovery wasn’t too bad. I think she took a week off, and then worked from home for a week (I’m not sure if that was mandated by her doctor or if she was just being cautious.)

      She actually wound up having to delay her procedure because she needed cataract surgery and her plastic surgeon refused to do the surgery until the cataract surgery was complete. So, something to consider, if Lasik / cataract surgery is in your immediate future.

    • Senior Attorney

      Also if it’s interfering with your vision your insurance may cover it. My sister-in-law had hers covered by Medicare.

  12. How to be more...stubborn?

    I realized a pattern in my interactions when 3 factors come together. When (i) there is a dispute over a verifiable fact, and (ii) I didn’t specifically prepare for the discussion by double-checking my fact, but instead I pull it from deeper memory, and (iii) I happen to talk to the kind of person that is super-sure of themselves that they won’t back down. It’s not that I start doubting my knowledge, but more as an acknowledgement of what I feel is polite communication, I will back down and say “I might be wrong”. Then when I later look up the fact, I am often right.

    I’d like to get over this impulse to ‘make peace’ and hold my ground more. Any advice to condition myself to be more stubborn, other than ‘just do it’?

    • Anonymous

      “I’m pretty sure its actually my answer, but let’s table discussion of X until we can verify Y. I’ll look into it and get back to you by Z.” Or have them get back to you.

    • Anon

      “I seem to recall that (fact). Can you explain why this is not the case?”

    • Anonymous

      Every time I try on a coat like that, it ends up looking like a bathrobe on me. That is one way to cure the desire…

    • Anonymous

      I almost bought that coat but in a different color. I love that style and collar and have multiple wrap coats that work great.

      I wondered why it was on sale in so many places, so finally decided not to buy it even though a lot of good reviews at Macy’s.

  15. Cleaning for a Reason

    Just found out about this service – http://cleaningforareason.org/

    If you are undergoing treatment for cancer, they provide free housecleaning. Just thought I’d share since I know there are always a lot of comments here about chemo/doing things for friends.

  16. Haley Dudenhoeffer

    Does anyone have recommendations on where to buy a nice FEMINE portfolio? I’m graduating from college in a month and I have secured a job. When I was interviewing for jobs, I shopped around for portfolios but I only came across masculine ones (big, bulky, black); the “feminine” ones that I found were just brightly colored versions of the male ones. Does anyone have a chic, sleek, and feminine portfolio that they use?
    I try so hard to look put together in the way that I dress and I feel like a total goof juggling a plastic folder and a legal pad around the office.
    I would prefer dark colors and it needs to look high quality but I am open to all suggestions.
    Has anyone had any luck with buying portfolios on etsy?
    I like this one from may books, but unfortunately it is sold out in black. I would love something similar! :(
    https://www.maydesigns.com/shop/folio/natural-glove

    • Rainbow Hair

      Can you explain how exactly you envision using this portfolio at work? At every job I’ve had (even the fanciest), it was completely appropriate to take notes on a legal pad.

    • Anonymous

      I agree that you don’t need this. Just get started, see what other people in your workplace are using, and then adjust or buy something after you’ve been on the job for a while. You’ll be fine.

    • Anonymous

      No one cares how “feminine” your portfolio is except you. I don’t think I’d waste the money, myself.

      • new biz grad

        OP here: I agree that this isn’t necessarily a “need.” I generally like to carry around planners/notebooks dedicated to lists (May books). I just always felt uncomfortable carrying around paper folders during interviews when I know that at least for men, the convention is to carry a portfolio. The company I am working for actually sent me a huge portfolio as a holiday gift, so I am wondering if they expect me to show up with it on the first day of work. It was a very sweet gesture and makes me feel excited to work there. However, its very large and I am very petite and I don’t think it will fit in any tote bag I currently own so that’s why I was thinking of a smaller, more feminine one. I am probably overthinking this.

        I actually have a leather envelope that I carry around my May Books planners in and I will definitely be bringing that to the office. I think you are right when you say I should wait, I definitely will wait to see what the office does.

        .

  17. biz grad

    On a related topic, I am starting my first real job soon fresh out of college. I want a nice leather tote to bring to and from work; I want to “invest” in a nice bag that I can use for a long time. Do I need to wait until I start work to see what kind of bag will fit my work laptop best or should I just buy a nice one and assume that a standard sized laptop will fit in it? What’s your favorite tote bag to bring to work? I know their is a post about it already….

    Are there any essentials in general that you wish you would have known to bring to a first job in the first days/weeks?

    Aside from “the clothing basics” for a biz professional dress code, was there anything you discovered you needed once you started your first job?

    What’s your favorite thing you have bought or bring to work that isn’t so obvious?

    I know this is a silly question and it seems like I am just anxious about fitting in at a new work place. I know it’s easier to just “see what other people do once I get there” but because I am young and still building my closet to an extent, I’d rather buy things in advance so I can find them on sale instead of buying something last minute at full price. I am also very petite and usually have to order petite sizing online where there are more options or get things altered. It’s just not so easy for me to just “go to the mall and find clothing when I need it.”

    FYI 50% off everything at Ann Taylor right now so I’ll be doing a major haul of petite clothing from there.

    • Scarlett

      Personally, I’d try to wait & see as much as you can because I think actual trends in your office will end up dictating a lot of what you think you need. That said, for an investment bag that’s not too crazy expensive, I love my Cuyana zip tote. I’ve carried mine daily for about 4 years now & it still looks new & it handles a giant laptop, so I think you’d be safe there.

      For clothing, I’d stick to a color scheme that you can mix and match – I favor navy & black. I’d get a few basics and then see what people actually wear. Business casual can vary a lot from heels and pencil skirts to ankle pants and flats. I think there’s also a general trend toward more casual looks and flats. You can also get away with a lot less than you think you need initially and build your wardrobe over time.

      My favorite random work item is quilted vests with pockets. I tend to wear them as a layer under coats if it’s cold or on their own if it’s not & it’s the perfect item for going out to lunch without bundling up and the pockets make running outside with a phone and credit card easy.

      Good luck in your first job! (Oh & Ann Taylor is almost always 50% off ;-))

    • Anonymous

      You can go ahead and pre-shop for bags, but I suggest holding off on buying something until you know what sixe your laptop is and what you will be carrying in the bag. Don’t spend a lot of money on a bag only to discover that your company issued laptop is a half inch too big.
      You’ll figure out what makes sense to keep in your desk. A phone charger, a toothbrush/toothpaste, pain reliever, contact lens supplies if you wear them, and a hearty shelf stable snack in are all good things to keep in your desk.

    • Marshmallow

      Hi– you will get much better responses if you post this early tomorrow morning on the thread of the day, but I’m here so I’ll answer.

      Tote bag: do you know what size laptop you’ll have? If not, I’d wait. Laptop bags are usually sized to fit either 13″ or 15″ computers. I’d show up on the first day with whatever standard type of tote or shoulder bag you carried to the interview, a pen and a notebook, and whatever HR forms or ID you need in a file folder.

      Clothing: I wish early on I’d spent more money per piece on fewer pieces. I felt a need to have a lot of variety and prints/colors, but I wound up buying things because they were on sale and not because I loved them. Buy fewer things that you really love and will wear all the time. And if you only have a handful of dresses and a handful of separates, I promise nobody will notice that you’re repeating things every couple of weeks.

      Things I really rely on: a pair of black pants that are super comfy for when you know you’re going to have a long day. I like the Lululemon “city trek” trouser but others here swear by Eileen Fisher crepe ankle pants. My J. Crew sweater blazer for the back of my chair so I can be warm but still look put together. Ponytail holders with gold or tortoise cuffs for days I can’t be bothered to blow-dry my hair.

    • Pep

      I have a favorite pen (nothing fancy, just the uniball signo 207), so when I started this job I brought a small assortment (black, blue, red) to stock my desk. Also, an extra phone charger so you don’t have to carry it back and forth.

  18. BitG

    Ooh! If only I heard about this earlier… It would’ve been awesome to buy it. It’s actually not that expensive either…. Next time you upload some deal, i’ll definitely be there to check it out!

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