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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’m going to have to disagree with Kermit, here — it’s so easy being green! This A-line dress from Akris is such a cheery hue, and the cut is so flattering.
This dress would be perfect if you were looking for something eye-catching for a presentation (in-person or virtual).
If you’re in a situation where bare arms won’t fly, I would pair this with a structured navy blazer for a preppy look, or a white/ivory blazer for a fun spring/summer look.
The dress is $2,390 at Neiman Marcus and is available in sizes 2–16.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Anon
Beautiful dress.
Just a whine – why must calls that were just plain conference calls before the pandemic now be video calls? Conference calls are glorious things with pajamas and messy buns and folding laundry.
Anon
I have 5 straight hours of zoom today—no need for any of this to be on camera, but here we are.
Anonymous
I just turn the camera off and don’t say anything about it (no “sorry bandwidth issues” or similar). It’s fine at my organization. People seem to understand that video all day is extremely draining.
Also, my hair is usually messy and I don’t wear professional clothes even when video is on :)
Saguaro
+1
Anon
Sadly, I am too deeply involved in these meetings for it to be an option to turn off camera or opt out of speaking.
Anonymous
I don’t opt out of speaking – I opt out of camera, including for meetings that I lead and do 95% of the speaking for. It can be done.
Anon
At one point my camera wouldn’t work on Teams. It worked fine on zoom. So I was a phone participant only, and everyone thought I was just being lazy but honestly it didn’t work. It was nice. Then the damn thing fixed itself.
Ps I hate Teams
LaurenB
I can sit with unfolded laundry for days on end but give me a conference call and I’m Konmari-ing everything in sight. And productive!
Anon
So true! And swiffering.
Anon
Ha! Dead on about the laundry. I am SO productive around the house when I’m listening in on a conference call.
anonymous
I’ve vacuumed while I’ve been on a call. I love my wireless Bluetooth headset. I can still hear what’s going on and I’m not chained to the computer.
anon
IDK, but I was completely fidgety during my first Zoom meeting of the day. My tolerance for video is waning more every day!
Anon
Totally agree, and I listen better if I’m doing something like folding laundry than distracted by whether my face looks sufficiently interested.
Anon
Totally agree. My boss LOVES video calls and considers it an insult if someone turns their camera off. Some days I’m on video 5, 6 hours and it’s exhausting.
NY CPA
Agree for giant conference calls which would have just been big calls before. But for smaller ones where they would have been in-person meetings (which was about half of my day pre-pandemic), I get it. If you’re actively engaged in the conversation, it’s helpful to be able to get a read on other people’s reactions. That’s especially true for meetings with the teams I supervise, which definitely would have been in person otherwise, but I dont think you’re referring to those.
anonymous
Ugh, that sucks. I’m so glad my company doesn’t do video calls. I work with software developers so a lot of times on calls people are sharing their screens to show the system they are updating or what code they’re working on. Everyone is looking at what is being shared and not each other, so video doesn’t really matter.
Anon
I’m really going to miss being able to walk around on conference calls (and make my bed and do laundry) while WFH. I’d be that annoying person if I tried to walk around my office building talking on a conference call.
Anon
This dress really reminds me of the styles in the early 2010s with a fuller skirt. Is that look coming back?
Anon
I think these dresses are classic for some occasions, like daytime weddings, christenings, showers, etc. I have a dress like this from 2013 – the period you’re talking about – that I just decided I’ll wear to an upcoming July wedding. And pears – this shape is always in style if this flatters your shape, like it does mine.
Anon
Op here — I would totally wear this to a wedding or shower or church, but I can’t picture it at work. But maybe that’s just me
anon
I agree with you. I like this style, and it works well for my pear-shaped bod, but it’s too much of a social occasion style for work, IMO.
Anonymous
I would totally wear to work, as the shape is a classic, but styled with reptile pumps and a different belt.
Anon
Yes. I’m a pear. I love this silhouette!
NYNY
I’m an old, so this dress reminds me of things my mother and her friends wore for summer social events in the 1970s with espadrille wedge sandals and dangly turquoise earrings. I love it – not for me, as the color makes me look dead – but not for work.
Anonymous
Agree. I don’t think of this silhouette as workwear. But it looks awful on me anyway, so I don’t have to make that call for myself.
Anon
California 70s kid here. I think my mom had this dress. She would have worn it with these white patent leather sandals embellished with daisies. I coveted those shoes. Bring on the clam dip and 7 layer salad – we’re having a poolside party.
Anon
I’d like to RSVP yes to this party!
anonshmanon
tropical fruit punch, anyone?
NYNY
I’ll bring the rumaki!
NY CPA
I loved the big circle skirt look that was available in the late 2000s and early 2010s and I’ve been waiting for them to make a comeback. I’ve seen several fuller skirts available recently, especially at Talbots, and I’m here for it! However, they’re more midi-length than at-or-just-below knee length now.
Sloan Sabbith
I really, really like this style of dress. It looks good on me, way more than shift dresses ever do.
Anonymous
For higher income folks- how do you think about % income needed for retirement? When we run our numbers through the calculators, everything is defaulted to 80% of current income. Right now, we spend a huge amount of our income on our mortgage, childcare, college savings, long term savings and retirement savings. In retirement, none of those will apply (except of course property taxes). Sure, we’ll want to travel/ be active and not poor in retirement, but saving with a goal of 80% of our current HHI seems like overkill.
How do you think about this/ strike a balance? DH’s parents have grossly oversaved* for retirement because they were so afraid of running out, and are now openly regretting it.
*Like, for real. They are in their mid 80s and have several million still in the bank along with two homes fully paid off. They were not super high earners–solid white collar mid/upper mid management–but extremely frugal and diligent savers.
Anonymous
I’ve always heard that you should prepare for retirement based on your SPENDING, not your current income. How much do you spend per year? How much of that will 100% be gone by retirement (daycare, college savings)?
Anonymous
This isn’t the most precise way of doing it, but you can safely subtract out (and thus not save) for costs that you 100% know won’t exist — daycare and college savings — assuming you have no interest in providing those for your grandkids. The other categories you can keep in like mortgage, long term savings, and retirement. Not because you’ll be paying a mortgage or retirement saving then but because those categories of cash will be used for other things — retirement travel; supplemental health insurance which is pricey, other categories of costs that I’m surely not thinking of etc. So honestly I’d just figure out what % of your savings are for daycare and college and exclude those but not the rest as the money will just be used for other things.
Anonymous
I mean, I feel like that’s super super rare to have people who have “grossly oversaved”. (Also, I suspect we’re headed for some pretty significant price inflation in the next couple of years, so they may not end up having “oversaved” as much you think.)
Anon
I look at what our monthly expenses actually are, given that we live off less than 75% of our take home now and should have a paid off house by retirement and be done with kid expenses. If we replaced all of the money we spend monthly in retirement (adjusted for inflation, of course), I think we would be living a great life. However, I will note that health insurance is the big unknown. For us, we will be able to stay on our current insurance assuming I stay with the federal government till retirement (which is the plan).
Anon
Wait, so the calculators tell you to save 80% of your income? That’s bananas.
Anon
No. Assume you will need 80% of your current income in retirement and save/invest to meet that goal
NY CPA
Maybe build a very generous budget of the types of costs you think *will* still apply in retirement and then gross that up some % just to be on the safe side?
Also, what I’ve learned from so many of the women on this board is that we never know how our health will end up being and how much care we’ll eventually need but that money burns like wildfire if you need to be in a nursing home or need in-home care. We actually looked into it for my grandma, and the cost of a nice private nursing home was hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. We decided it would be cheaper for her to live with a family member, pay a significant amount of their housing costs, and have in-home care as needed. I bet if your in-laws had major health issues, they wouldn’t be regretting saving.
All that being said, I think it’s ok to splurge a bit and enjoy your life now, if you truly feel comfortable with what you’re saving!
Anonymous
“Also, what I’ve learned from so many of the women on this board is that we never know how our health will end up being….”
The flip side of this is that if you prioritize saving over everything else and put off travel, recreation, etc. until retirement, you might not end up being healthy enough to do all the fun things you’ve put off. Currently having this battle with my husband, who does not want to spend anything until we have our retirement fully funded–merely being on track to have enough money at retirement is not enough.
Anonymous
OP here and I think this is a fair consideration, though having gone through this with 3 (and now approaching 4) family members we are unfortunately pretty familiar with how this all works. We are putting family member #4’s house on the market, the proceeds of which will be used to subsidize the mortgage of another family member that has an en-suite.
My in-laws did have major health issues, which they have paid for and are also insured for.
Anonymous
I’m curious, why the regret? Missed opportunities to enjoy travel, etc? Sorry to hear that & hope they at least find some joy in being financially secure.
I’d do some calculations subtracting out the expenses you know you won’t have anymore and estimating your future expenses (and include some extra for health care & property tax increases & spoiling grandkids & in case unexpected expenses arise). We’re savers but we do base our plans on spending less in retirement than we do currently. It sounds like you could pretty easily do some calculations based on all the items you laid out here. Unfortunately, I think it’s always going to be a “best guess” type situation & you know yourself & situation best.
Anonymous
It’s my MIL that is the one clearly and loudly regretful. She’s 79, FIL is 88. She’s feeling like she spent her whole life saving and now is basically just dying with a huge bank account. This woman is 79, and still talking about how she wants to buy a lexus GS. DH and I are telling her to GO AND BUY ONE. If you don’t, you’ll die without one because nobody is buying it for you. Every time she and FIL had to buy a new car, they ended up going with something more practical/ less luxury. The woman can afford the stupid car and only has a couple years left to drive it. They don’t even make the one she likes anymore so it would be a used one anyway.
She’s wallowing, and there isn’t really anything to be done about it except to let her know if we end up with inheritance we will make sure to spend it on ourselves and kids because we don’t actually *need* it.
anon a mouse
We are targeting 75% of income. We are hoping to move to an area with a lower cost of living, but recognize that we may have more costs than we do now in some areas. We hope to travel more. Health care is a wild card. We also plan to have hobbies — nothing outrageous but not cheap. If we end up with too much, we’ll give away more. I really do not want to be like my grandmother, who maintained a budget to the nickel and fretted about money until her last days. (Depression-era child, but still.)
Anonymous
My financial advisor had us estimate our spending in retirement, not a percentage of current income. His explanation is that people spend different amounts in retirement, and your spending also changes over time. In his experience, people tend to spend more in early retirement because they travel or spend more time on expensive hobbies, but as they get older, they do less of this.
We started with our current budget, and identified what won’t change — property tax, utilities, trash collection, health care, etc. Then we estimated more discretionary things like gifts, travel, clothes, personal care, etc. We appplied some estimated increases over 10 and then 20 years, figuring we can’t read the future but it’s pretty clear that cost will increase. Based on these estimated budgets, we looked at our estimated retirement income to see what we could cover. This isn’t perfect, of course, but it gives you a rough idea and your forecast improves the closer you get to retirement.
This is particularly helpful if you currently live below your means, you don’t need to replace income you don’t spend.
Anon
Gosh, I hope health care changes by then!
Carrie
Yeah, me too.
I’m working on taxes for my one living parent right now who is in their late 70s. They had over $30,000 out of pocket (NOT covered by insurance) costs last year. And this is with excellent insurance. It includes premiums.
Health is such a wild card. And most young people don’t understand how many things are covered poorly by insurance in retirement, even if you are “fully” covered. Medications, DME (if you need larger/better/different equipment – as most retiree and Medicare plans only pay for the simplest), hearing aids, dental, disposable medical supplies and so much more. Nevermind if you need home health aids, assisted living, home modifications etc…
Anon
I’ve been seriously shaking my head watching this play out w/ an older neighbor that was in an accident. Now, some of the issues I have observed (and helped him with) may be due to COVID precautions but it is still ridiculous.
He needed a wheelchair and was sent home without one. It arrived days later and was left outside his garage in a giant box. How did they expect him to get outside, bring it in, take it out of the box, put the legs on it? He is someone that doesn’t really have anyone in his life. No friends or family. The hospital basically told him to figure it out. He also should have been in a rehab for a couple of weeks but that wasn’t even offered to him. Again, could be COVID precautions or it could be his insurance doesn’t cover that.
Anon
With fewer young people, it will only get more expensive; there won’t be enough earners to cover costs for the elderly.
Anonymous
This makes a lot of sense. I’m the OP and we live on less than 80% of our income *now* so these calculators seem pretty silly to me. No way I’m going to be blowing through $300-400K/year (on average*) upon retirement.
* Yes I know health is a big question. But even $5M at the end isn’t $400k/year for all of retirement.
nuqotw
I am imagining we’ll spend the same amount in retirement as we do now, which is both conservative and in our case warranted. True, we anticipate a paid off mortgage and no more child care/college tuition expenses. However, we’re both well aware that end of life health care and assisted living can run 10K/month (in today’s dollars) for many many years. In my particular case, spouse has some health concerns that while well-managed now have a number of end states that are some combination of medically serious and expensive. In all likelihood I will be widowed in my mid 60s, at which point I will need/want to pay for things that either he does himself or we would otherwise do together (moving heavy objects, yard stuff that he loves and I hate, house repair stuff).
Senior Attorney
I am on track to replace 100% of my income in retirement, and between the two of us we will be at maybe 80%? I expect to live well into my 90s and with very-old-age costs being what they are I feel like it’s impossible to oversave.
Anon
Oversaving is actually just lucking into good health in old age. My FIL is in memory care, and the cost for that is always “everything you have”. His insanely-generous teaching pension and enormous savings are being sucked dry, but his roommate (a manual laborer) doesn’t have nearly the same amount tucked away (per conversations I’ve had with his daughter). Unless you’re celebrity-wealthy, there’s just no such thing as saving too much.
Anon
When the roommates wealth is gone, will they be putting him on the street or will he then be converted to Medicaid?
I don’t plan on giving away assets to end up on Medicaid like some people do but I also don’t think I could ever safe enough to pay for the type of long term care discussed here. So I’d rather save for “normal” retirement stuff, travel and live life while I can, and if I run out of money, the County Nursing Home it is.
Anon
He will be sent to a less-nice facility that accepts Medicaid, which is frankly terrifying. The current place is top-rated for the area, and it’s still unacceptable.
They’re chronically understaffed by under-trained people, who do things like “forget” to call us when there’s an incident, so the next shift (which didn’t see the occurrence and thus can give no details) is forced to be the one to call us and give us barely any info, based on poorly-kept notes. They get fed up with the restless nature of the residents, so they dope them to the gills on sedatives and let them rot in their beds or wheelchairs. All his belongings that aren’t nailed down disappear, so we gave up on buying him nice things for his room. (If you wonder why residents in care homes seem to have nothing, that’s why. Their families go broke buying them TVs, books, and radios that take all of 48 hours to vanish into thin air.) We could not get into the building due to Covid for almost a year, and we got 5 minutes a month to see him on Zoom, where we could tell that his hair was constantly unwashed, his clothes were dirty, and his glasses were missing a lens.
We kept him at home as long as we could, until he reached the violent stage and almost broke my wrist. This was the absolute best option, and it’s awful.
Anon
I’m so sorry you have to deal with that. For a high tech solution, could you put a tile on his belongings so you can track them?
Anonymous
I’m sorry your FIL is going through this. My aunt was in a memory care unit and it was so hard. We had a personal support person who was with her during the week, but not 24 hours a day all week. I remember going to see her on a Sunday afternoon and I couldn’t find her. She was napping in someone else’s bed. And he, a big guy who was non verbal came walking into his room as I was getting her up and back to her room. She often ended up with someone else’s glasses, despite how hard we tried to keep her name on her own. It is almost an impossible situation.
Anon
I look at what we really need to spend annually, not what we currently spend. Then my savings need to be such that the annual spend is 3-4% of my total savings. And we are there. Any more savings at this point just means a more luxurious lifestyle in retirement, or more for our kids to inherit.
Carrie
If you are healthy…..
Anon
I will become a ward of the state if things go horribly wrong health wise. You cannot possibly plan for the worst case on US healthcare because it would bankrupt all of us.
Anonymous
Do you ever feel like life has hardens you? Age 40. Feeling like things didn’t work out for me the way I wanted – career wise or personally and over the last few years (not just during the pandemic), I find that my empathy for others and their problems is not what it used to be at all. Like in a so what we all got problems type of way. Yet objectively I understand that I’m still pretty well off life wise and career wise and yes other people DO have much bigger problems. Part of it may be that I feel like I’m 40, life is done anyway so there’s not chances left for improvement now as there were at 25 or 35 — like I know 40 isn’t old old but you don’t have the possibilities of age 25 either as the world sees you as middle aged.
Anyone else? How did you deal?
Anonymous
Therapy would be a good option. Life is not over at 40. You can lean into this and choose to spend the rest of your life low key miserable and bitter or you can do the hard work on yourself to change your mindset. I’m your age, single, childless, not in my dream job. And I very much feel excited about the possibilities of life and the hardships I’ve gone through have made me more empathetic, but it took work to get here!
anon
I’m also 40, and while I feel hardened in some ways, it’s more in the “people are inherently selfish and I don’t see structural issues of racism/sexism/etc. going away.” The 45 years and pandemic drove that home in a way that nothing else has.
But I wholeheartedly disagree that life is over at 40. Given my family’s longevity, I may not be even halfway through my life yet! Yes, of course certain doors are closed, and yes, sometimes I wonder when the heck I became middle-aged. But I don’t understand the idea that there are no chances left for improvement, change, or growth. I wonder if your time would be well spent unpacking where these ideas came from, and why you feel like your life is just Done.
Anon
No, I’m exactly the opposite. I’ve always been empathetic, but I’ve become even more empathetic than I was when I was younger as I see how much everyone struggles with. I recognize how much of what people end up with is due to luck and chance rather than just talent and hard work, which matter, but are definitely not enough to be successful. I might not have everything I want, but I try hard to enjoy what I do have and make things better for young people starting out today. It might happen in small ways sometimes, but it’s not nothing.
Anon
I think some of it is a natural pain avoidance response. I can relate much more easily to a lot more problems as I get older and have been actively avoiding situations that trigger empathy because I am stretched so thin. I still have to take care of life even if I feel bad for someone. It will be much harder to help either of us if I am crippled by feeling bad. I think there is a lot of “your oxygen mask first” for better or worse as your energy gets lower and paths seem fewer and narrower. I will say that a small dose of antidepressants has helped me feel less like the world is closing up to me, but I would need perform some intense self delusion to make myself believe that I have the same energy I had 10 years ago. I try to work smarter and let go of s*it that is actually not that important, and try to get pleasure from simpler things than the elaborate ones I planned when I was younger. I feel like it is similar to puberty when you suddenly can’t run as fast and your boobs won’t let you play soccer with your whole body. You just accept your other superpowers along with it and move on to make the best of it.
Anonymous
At 40 I realized that life is what you make it. My BFF’s mom goes to our yoga class every week. My mom gave up on beginner yoga the first time I did it with her because she couldn’t get it like the 20 year olds immediately. DH’s kayaking buddy is on his second hip replacement and still out in the boat every weekend. My uncle has had one hip replacement and rarely moves from his arm chair. How active you are in your 40s/50s will have a big impact on what your 60s look like and I know now that I want to be healthy enough to go to yoga with my daughter.
I started taking skating lessons last fall, tried snowboarding for the first time at 41 and DH started running at 43 and now at 46 runs ultramarathon trail races on the regular. It’s never too late to find a new passion. Once covid dies down and indoor activities are more accessible, we’re going to take a pottery class together. I’ve never done pottery in my life but I’ve only got about 30 years left to try all the things I didn’t get to do in the first 40 years. We all get older so you might as well have fun while you’re doing it. I’m lucky enough to be fairly economically secure (functional if older cars, reasonable mortgage, relatively secure job, some retirement savings) so my focus is doing all the things in the second half of my life that I didn’t get to try in the first half.
My Dad had never left North America until he was 40 and between 40-60 he went all over Europe and South America on vacation and had a blast.
Anonymous
My grandfather only left Australia to fight in WWII but at 90 he went to London and Paris and got to see the sights his father saw as a soldier in WWI and told him about when he was a young child. Be open to life surprising you.
Vicky Austin
I love this.
Anonymous
This. OP I get what you’re saying. I’m 41 and my life is no where near what I want. I don’t have the professional success I want, nor personal. I do agree that some of those things are now unattainable because I can’t go back and start over. But like the poster above I do now feel like there’s a lot of fun things I haven’t done – outside of work and relationships. For example I haven’t traveled like at all — I’ve been to the UK twice on business trips and that’s it. So now (post pandemic once I feel comfortable so it may not be until 2022 or even 2023), I will be focusing on going places and exploring. It’s what I like to do the most and never did it because I was influenced by others (parents) when I was younger — oh why do you want to go to x (x could be London or Miami or Vegas or any place); what will you even do there ALONE (because in their opinions, if you go on a trip alone you sit in your hotel room watching tv not actually exploring because you’ll feel too lonely and self conscious!?). Now it’s look like I’m 40, I DID miss out on all this time from 25-40 because I listened to others BUT the flip side of that is I worked a lot, saved/invested a lot — so now I can spend and explore; and am I really not supposed to ever do anything fun because I don’t have a partner?!
And as the poster above says, how you live in your 40-50s directly impacts your late 60s+. I have seen it over and over in my family. Those who went to work and came home and sat on the couch watching TV are just unhappier over all and less energetic than those who were always moving; now granted in my family moving meant scrubbing the house, but I’m choosing for it to mean exercise, travel, exploring etc.
Anonymous
I love this! To add to the fun, my mom started riding horses in her 40s, my dad skied the most days he ever has in his 60s after getting a knee replacement, I know a couple of people in their 90s who are still skiing…
Also, it helps to make things actionable NOW. You get 52 Saturdays a year. How many of those are you spending on your couch or at the grocery store and dry cleaners? Get that number close to zero and your life will be MUCH better, I promise. Not every weekend needs to be an incredible adventure, but every weekend (yes, every weekend) can be much more than the chores and couch grind. Check out a local park. Try a new workout class. Go to a zoo with your kids. Learn how to cook a new cuisine. Read an amazing book.
Anonymous
I definitely can relate to things you are saying. I’m 47, and over the years, difficult life challenges have made me more pessimistic. Like, I actively remember thinking when I was 25-35 “this is tough now, but it will all work out” in a way that I don’t do anymore. I am working on re-connecting to that optimism reflex, because I don’t want to live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am doing a series of emotional intelligence workshops with a really fabulous facilitator that I highly recommend: the Thrive On seminars with Tracey Adams. It’s helping me as a parent and also has a strong career and money focus.
Worried
I read an article somewhere (can’t remember the source) that a study found that people did not truly feel ‘older’ until the age of 47! I read this at the time I was 45, and I recall thinking that this idea seemed random and rather rigid. A bit after I turned 47 a dear Aunt died and combined with other factors at the time, I felt more ‘hardened’ and ‘old’ in a way that is hard to pinpoint. I am now 50 and I feel optimistic, but more aware of the fragility of life – if that makes sense. I know there are many more things on the horizon, but over the past year, I have shifted from being more immersed in work, to detaching and focusing on my future and how to feed the non-work side of my life.
Anonymous
I am both more empathetic and at the same time wiser to what makes the world go round. The pandemic has focused my attention on the disparity in living conditions and employment, both of which have a huge impact on covid exposure. At the same time, I have been out of work for over a year so that has opened my eyes to some things as well.
A gratitude journal is a great tool for adjusting your mindset.
And I will add to a comment below re life being over at 40. My Dad rode his first animal ever on a safari with me when he was 69 and between that trip and one 10 years later, we traveled to 10+ countries. I doubt he ever would have imagined those trips when he was 40. Sadly, he passed away unexpectedly last year at 80.
Allie
The opposite actually. I’ve been knocked down by now so understand how easy it is to get knocked down and have a lot more compassion for others who are struggling then I did before I had struggled as much myself. I am also so much more grateful for the little things — a fun outing with my girls, a good meal, etc. I don’t take the good parts of life for granted as much as I used to.
Anon
I am sorry that you are finding life to be embittering. Oddly, for me that has most kept that from happening to me is the losses I have experienced through the deaths of loved ones, some in old age but two that were wholly unanticipated at a young age. Realizing how fortunate I am am to have had these wonderful relationships has made appreciate my current relationships.
On the life is over at 40, since 40, I have adopted a child, married (first marriage), raised two kids, was promoted 3x, rescued 5 dogs and fostered several others, hiked thousands of miles, maintained friendships and made new ones, volunteered hundreds of hours for causes that matter to me, danced and dreamed and loved. Don’t give up on life.
Anonymous
I’m less patient with other people’s problems. In part, I’m more knowledgeable about how to solve the problems so solutions seem obvious to me now; makes it harder to tolerate someone else’s hand wringing. Like yes 2 and 2 is 4, no it will never be 5 why are we still talking about whether it can be 5? See also yes your BF/DH/co-parent is an AH he has always been an AH why are we still talking about whether he will ever not be an AH?
I’ve also become a lot more protective of my time and I’m better at fending off time vampires. That requires me to be a little less empathetic I suppose? Cutting out (or at least limiting) complaining as conversation has been a challenge. Like no mom I’m not going to listen for hours a day about your latest grievance with someone from church. I’m very sorry you have so much conflict with everyone who crosses your path but I will not spend my life being dragged down by this negativity.
Anonymous
This is such an ongoing struggle for me. One of my best friends is a positive energy vampire because of depression and some tough life stuff. I’m so sympathetic and I wish I could fix things for her, but it’s gotten to the point where 99.5% of all conversations are ruminating downer spirals. I’m still struggling with how to balance my own needs without being dismissive.
Senior Attorney
Good grief. At 40 I was divorced and about to remarry. That marriage turned out to be a horrible mistake, and at 54 I thought “I need to shake things up because I’m going to be 55 this year and this isn’t the life I want!” So I ran away from home and now, 8 years later, I’ve got a new husband and a life so great I am constantly pinching myself. And along the way I’ve had career ups and downs and now I’m kind of coasting towards retirement one rung below the Big Job I really really wanted but didn’t get, and that’s okay.
I’ve posted this before, but life has seasons and some of them are great and some of them are awful, and neither the great ones nor the awful ones are permanent, so enjoy the former and do what you can to get through the awful ones because the only way out is through.
And yeah, lots of therapy.
Anon
If this is related to your work, look up compassion fatigue. It’s a very real thing.
Anon
Absolutely, and I see nothing wrong with that. Skepticism and even pessimism serves me well, by making me thoroughly plan for worst-case scenarios and not get unrealistic hopes up. I also no longer get used, like I did when I was young and naive.
This is not to say I’m unkind; you can be both outwardly courteous and mentally dismissive. For me it’s about learning to put on my own oxygen mask and not allowing others to derail me. Overcoming being raised to be a quiet, polite, submissive woman was a big part of this for me.
Anonymous
Yes yes yes to no longer getting used. It feels so good to take my own power, even for things as small as demanding a bathroom break. I’ve seen so much abuse of breaks in the wfh environment; everyone wants you on camera for the entire meeting and meetings always go long so you can’t even duck to the bathroom when you’re walking from one meeting to the next. Younger me would let the men talk over me and keep “just one more thing-ing” until I was desperate. Now I will tell them we are taking 5, or our time is up, and I will walk away while they’re still talking if they try to “just one more thing” me into staying.
No Face
The blog Cup of Jo recently featured women who had accomplishments later in life and it really inspired me.
Eliza
Oh my word. Life is not done until you decide it is. Therapy might be a great option to help revisit your mindset.
I started flying lessons at 49 and I’m now on track to becoming a commercial pilot. Finding out that new possibilities are always around the corner despite my age has been life-changing. That’s predicated on good health and all the other things that you can’t fully control, but still.
Girl, get out there and see what’s waiting for you!
Anonymous
That’s so awesome!! As to your point about health, I find that there are some people who will close themselves off from opportunities due to concerns about their health that aren’t very founded. I’m thinking of people who want to try running a 5K but will insist they can’t because they heard it’s bad for the knees or people who aren’t willing to do something one-off like a horseback ride on vacation because they could fall. IMO, the fastest way to shut your life down is to say no to opportunities because of the small risk of minor injury.
Eliza
Thank you! It’s been amazing. And you are so right about people limiting their opportunities related to perceived health risks. My in-laws became old before their time due to exactly this while my parents are still going strong in their 80s.
Anon
I know way too many people who became much less active after injuries that didn’t heal well than they were before they took the extra risk. I think people who have excellent health and healthcare see injuries as less of a big deal. If you have iffy health and worse healthcare, injury avoidance is rational.
Anonymous
I don’t think that’s true. People who have excellent health (like marathon runners) tend to be very concerned about injuries because it derails their plans and goals.
Anonymous
I think that’s true for more rigorous sports like running or horseback riding. But there are lots of other things to try that are pretty low risk for injury like taichi or walking or bird watching or light hiking. In your 50s/60s, just getting out for a walk everyday can make a huge difference to your health. And there are so many other activities with basically no health risk that can make life more joyous like watercolor painting or learning a new language or how to cook a new cuisine.
Anon
I think we’re not disagreeing. People who were already active (taking walks every day, gardening, etc.), which is great, became less active and less able to do those activities when injured by the ill-advised soccer game, more ambitious hiking trail, yoga pose, etc.
Anon
My back is never going to be the same after falling on ice this winter, just one slip from a standing position. I’m currently facing a second nerve block for my sciatica. Getting out of bed is hard, and I’m in my mid-forties. I think it’s smart to mitigate the possibility for injury, particularly as we age. It’s very easy to hand-wave away risk when you’re healthy and whole.
Anonymous
I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through, but how could you have prevented it without staying literally locked down in your house for your whole life? You can’t “mitigate the risk” of every accident without wrecking your life overall (even though I think you posted here about falling because you were forced to come to the office in bad weather, which is totally inexcusable on the part of your employer).
Personally, I’ve found it more productive to mitigate my risk for accident by being fit. I’m definitely not as limber and flexible as I was – I fell off a horse last year and felt like I got hit by a truck. I’m really working to increase my core and back strength and my mobility to prevent injury when falls do happen (they will – even if I never ride a horse again).
Anon
I do think people can become jaded over time, and important life lessons are often learned in your 20s and 30s, but life is far from over at 40. I opened my own law firm at age 42 and never looked back. 40 is very young in the big scheme of life.
Anon for this
Has anyone ever been a Chief of Staff for a legal department? I’m currently an in-house attorney, and I have an opportunity to become CoS for my department if I’m interested in the role. It’s still an attorney role, but would be much more focused on projects than my current role is. I know I’d enjoy the type of work, which would involve matters that have a significant impact on the company, and working for this manager, but I’m trying to figure out whether this would be a dead end or a boon to my career. If I were planning to stay at this company long term, I could see it helping my career, but I don’t know how it would be viewed if I were to decide to leave the company at some point. Any thoughts appreciated.
Anon
That’s an odd position – normally, you’d see a deputy GC reporting to the GC and presume that person(s) have strategic chops. I have both a DGC and a non-lawyer legal operations manager reporting into me. I have seen a proliferation of COS positions and if you can keep it strategic and more akin to a DGC role, it would probably not be too limiting. I’d be concerned about a glorified admin approach though.
Anon
I have known one person who did this and she was very successful and well regarded.
Anonymous
I have seen it work if you are trying to transition out of a narrow practice area, as you will have exposure to a broader range of issues.
Anonymous
I have seen similar positions provide incredible experiences for people. Usually you get to see many more issues from a macro perspective and learn very quickly. The success of the experience does depend on the person you are working for — that is no different for any position I guess.
Anon
I posted this on the Mom’s page this AM but then I remembered the original post was on this page (or so I think).
This is for the poster whose son wanted to buy his grandmother dragon earrings. My friend makes jewlery out of the skins her snake sheds. It sounds gross but it looks really really cool. The finished product could look like dragon scales/skin instead of snake. I have dangly yellow earrings and a ring. She currently has yellow, blue, pink and purple options.
https://www.etsy.com/shop/theflameboutique/?fbclid=IwAR0Je58nqAjZJiGr8WBFfvxRQD_4HjTCG3lc8uR6KDT86BEBy2Sf_et0OAQ
Anon.
Woah, this is extremely cool and also creeps me out, haha.
pugsnbourbon
Your friend sounds cool as hell.
Senior Attorney
Love it and also love how she stages them for photos!!
anon
OP here – THANK YOU! These are so cool!
Anon
My offer was accepted on a condo this weekend! It’s very exciting, but I am also totally overwhelmed (first time homebuyer! This was the first place I put a bid in on! Totally unexpected to get it and I’m still in shock). Any tips/advice/things I may be forgetting about from experienced homeowners to look for before I move in? What surprised you about going from renting to owning?
Anon
Fix stuff before you move in (paint, floors, etc.). Things I wish I’d realized sooner: light fixtures can easily be swapped out and make cool statements (didn’t realize this until I was staging my first place for sale). Also, it’s relatively cheap to replace kitchen countertops and paint cabinets for a fresh looking kitchen – full blown renovations aren’t always required. Keep some cash on hand for things that you’ll want to do and assessments depending on the age/stage/financial health of your building. Don’t get suckered into the HOA board.
Anonymous
I would be careful with painting cabinets — a friend who went this route to preserve original cabinets has to get them repainted every 3-5 years because they get so dinged up. Definitely a better option than replacing sometimes, but you should be prepared for the maintenance.
Anon
+1 I would hire a professional for this if you decide to go this route, it’s not really an easy job.
Anon
Omg I posted the original comment and it did not even occur to me that someone would DIY that!
Anonymous
I don’t know how to say this in a sensitive way, but is anyone else bothered by the coverage of the Covid crisis in India versus the US as of just a couple months ago? I’ve seen this on the news as well as in one on one discussions. When the US was reporting 3k+ deaths a day, everyone was clamoring to reopen not shut down again. Now that India is reporting similar numbers, it’s a huge problem. Don’t get me wrong, it IS a huge problem, just like the US was hugely problematic until very very recently (and the numbers still aren’t great). Why was everyone so willing to turn a blind eye on their neighbors at home? What’s up with the denial that the US has suffered in a major way?
Anon
My guess is that living conditions in India may be vastly different in a way that is material. More multigenerational households without an ability to distance; people in rural areas are so spread out as to lack good medical care. Not enough oxygen or means to get it due to poverty. Not enough vaccines. They don’t seem to have the nursing home issues we did (so we could reopen anything but that) but their nursing home population is dispersed among the community, so more exposure.
Anonymous
I don’t know the answer, but I also assume hospital capacity is very different on a per capita basis. That said, India is a much younger country than the US. If India had as many people >70 as the US as a % of population I think the death tool would easily be triple.
anonshmanon
I don’t have a rationale to offer, but I have also noticed this!
Anonymous
Because Americans don’t care about other Americans, only about their own selfish fun.
Vicky Austin
My guess is just that – denial. It’s far, far easier to admit that other people have problems.
Anonymous
Not everyone was so willing to turn a blind eye, but anyone who dared post here pleading with others to take it seriously was met with “stop living in fear!!!” and “don’t tell me what to do!!!” and “it’s okay for me to break the law because I’m special.” The suffering in the U.S. was and is staggering, whether people acknowledge that in their words and actions or not.
Anon
That is not at all true about the responses here. You’re making it up to fit your narrative, which is the same thing covid deniers do.
Anon
Yep. This is almost assuredly one of the posters who kept shaming people for going grocery shopping, and was eventually told to knock it off.
Anon
I hadn’t really thought about this but it’s a good point. My perception is that the situation in India is even worse with respect to access to hospitals and medical care.
Cat
Probably because here people are quick to say “idiots in Red State, serves them right” but realize that makes them sound like an a–hole when applying it to other countries?
AnonMPH
I’m not sure exactly what you are referring to, the media coverage of our US winter surge was extremely focused on the negative, and on how bad the surge was. Certainly some people and politicians were pushing for reopening (inappropriately), but not the news coverage.
The situation in India is actually different in a few ways:
1) The national government has been hosting and encouraging large scale (MASSIVE) events
2) The numbers that India is reporting are not only higher than the US reached during our surge, they are even more dramatically underreporting their metrics than we were. While the US has also always underreported cases, our hospitalizations and death numbers are pretty accurate. When India reports 4k deaths it is possible that they are underreporting by half or more.
3) India is actually hitting health system collapse. Even at the worst of our winter surge, we were at the point of individual hospitals being overwhelmed, but we were not literally running out of oxygen for whole cities. People could still access hospital beds, even if it was slightly delayed and they had to be transported across town or to a referral facility.
Anyway, basically the situation is truly worse than anything we saw here, and India should lock down now and the US should have locked down more in the winter.
Anonymous
Agree with this completely. I didn’t hear any reported cases of individuals in the US trying to buy oxygen on the black market for relatives because the entire health system didn’t have any. I currently have a relative on oxygen in the hospital in a non-US, non-India country, and I’m so thankful that the health system there is functioning. My heart goes out to everyone who suffered through COVID-19 or lost family members, but especially to those who are dying because they are unable to get care that would have saved them.
NY CPA
I think the issue is that the reported numbers are likely VASTLY understated and US was more accurate, although probably also somewhat understated espcially at the start of the pandemic. Death counts in India are likely many many times our highest. Also, hospitals are all so full they’ve closed to new patients and people are literally dying in line outside. That was our worst nightmare of what might happen early in the pandemic when NYC had field hospitals set up, but it didnt get as bad as we feared–it’s literally that bad in India. I was talking to a colleague in India this morning who has mild COVID and her mother has pretty bad COVID but they’re keeping her home because there are no open hospitals in the entire capital city.
Anon
This exactly. America has performed 363 million COVID tests, population 330 million. India, population 1.37 billion, has performed 286 million COVID tests.
NYNY
This, although India is in an even worse state than NYC at the start of the pandemic. We were able to add bed capacity, but in India, hospitals are not only over capacity, they have run out of oxygen to keep patients alive. It is a humanitarian crisis.
Beyond that, though, I disagree that *everyone* was clamoring to open up more a few months ago in the US. The pandemic response, and even the validity (!) of COVID has been politicized by the Fox/Newsmax/OANN crowd in a way that I cannot comprehend. I’ve had two relatives in red states die from COVID, and with the anti-vax movement in the same places, I doubt they will be the last.
Anonymous
I think this depends on the media you were reading, I saw incredibly detailed reports on New York and California.
LaurenB
The same people who saw Covid in the US as a problem (rightfully so) are also horrified and saddened by what’s happening in India. The same people who were Covid-deniers /want everything to open up don’t give a rat’s you know what about India.
Anon
We should have been outraged about both. The fact that some people are basically dead inside and don’t care about half a million people dying here doesn’t mean that we should be less concerned about a similar number in India.
OP
Well that’s kind of my point. It seems like everyone is (rightfully) horrified about what’s going on in India, but they were pushing to get back to normal when the US was reporting 3k+ deaths a day. I’m glad that people are concerned about India but I’m saddened that people didn’t seem to take it seriously when it was happening at home.
Anonymous
You must live in a red state. Blue states were shutting down.
anonshmanon
yeah, I feel like the different way of handling the pandemic has contributed to the increased divergence of everyone’s bubbles. Over last summer and fall, CA was carefully ramping things back up, but then around Thanksgiving most of those who had even been to the office went back home, no more indoor dining, outdoor gathering with other households was banned again etc. Now, we’re slowly ramping back up. The mask mandate was just dropped for vaccinated people outside, but remains otherwise.
I feel like everyone had a completely different experience, based on where they live and how life was there. When we look back at the pandemic, we will not really be talking about the same pandemic, because everyone else had a completely different experience.
Anon
I was wanting a pair of Swedish Has-Beens to replace a more sandal-type pair of Danskos that is old and worn. But then I found that Birkenstock makes heeled sandal-type shoes that are cute and only a bit more clunky than the has-beens (and seem more comfy and half the price). Has anyone tried the heeled Birks IRL? I need something pretty-ish that is also comfy that would pass the laugh test when worn with summer dresses.
pugsnbourbon
I haven’t tried the birks, but I had a pair of heeled Hush Puppies sandals that I absolutely loved and sadly destroyed. They looked modern while being wildly comfortable. They looked like the Toms Majorca sandals but with a black leather heel.
Anon
I mean, that’s a different shoe. That’s a cork wedge, more on par with Kork Ease than a wooden wedge or wood-look wedge from Hasbeens or Dansko. Just a different all around shoe.
anna
Not an ad but I figured this group would be interested –
I tried StitchFix for the first time and I’m impressed so far. They asked me a lot of questions about my style and how clothes normally fit and what occasions I needed clothes for. The clothes are exactly what I wanted, a slightly nicer version of what I would have been able to choose by myself, fit surprisingly well, I”m excited!
Anonymous
DH and I both do it and we like it, too. It’s not great for formal office wear, but…we don’t need that. I will say that once I got the StylePass I’ve had lots more misses than hits but it’s pretty no-risk so I just find myself doing a lot more returns .
Stitch Fix
So I’m baffled by Stitch Fix because my first box was so fun! And every time I’ve tried it sense it’s been a total waste – things don’t fit, the quality is not worth the price, and really how many bad quality $$$ striped shirts does one person need? I kept trying because the first one was so fun, but I finally gave up.
This was a couple of years ago so I will be interested to see how it works for you! Maybe they have upped their game.
Anonymous
This was my experience too, also years ago. It’s good as long as you buy all of your pieces. As soon as you send even one thing back, you get paired with stylists who either don’t care or aren’t real people.
A friend recently tried it again and likes it better. One thing that frustrated me was that you couldn’t exchange for a different size. It sounds like now they have an online shop that is pretty well stocked.
Anon
The options now are keep, return or exchange so that has changed. Also, if you really like a piece (or want to get one as a gift for someone who liked yours) you can buy another one. I own three of the same shirt (two colors).
I have generally found they are good about clear instructions, although not as good about less concrete ones. So “no sleeveless tops” is fine but no more of those shoulder seam tops that make me look like a linebacker is too complicated. And I periodically return something because it clearly going out of style (for example a pair of skinny jeans last year) and they decided to try to offload it to me.
Anon
I feel like this is every Stitch Fix review I’ve ever seen — the first time was great and then totally mediocre after that.
Anon
huh, mine was the opposite. They didn’t “get” me until the second one. I posted below.
Z
I agree with this.. I did StitchFix in 2017-2018. I don’t think you are actually styled by the same person (if you request that, idk if its still an option) and they never took my feedback into account. I would write that I don’t like a certain material or style that they sent, but would get exactly that in the next box. Same with sizing, I was a 0 in pants when I first started but grew to a 4, even after changing my sizes in my profile they were still sending me 0’s.
Anon
I wasn’t a fan. I specifically requested weekend wear (work wear is bought on discount at Nordstrom or Brooks Brothers, so, not Stitch Fix; my weekend game needs help) and they sent me meh-quality office wear.
Anonymous
Could it be something about personal service vs. the logarithm?
If I’ve understood correctly, their service is based on logarithms with input given from you (sizes etc., anything that can be “ticked”) and geographical location (what is available to ship from a convenient waryhouse) that do most of the job, but with some help from actual humans (with more automated predictions after more purchases).
I would guess that for a first styling the actual human element is stronger, with more care and time used to read your details, since that’s the data available.
Of Counsel
I have been a Stitch Fix subscriber for a couple of years (quarterly at this point; monthly was too often for me) and this has not been my experience (typed as I sit at my computer wearing a top and pants that both came from them). I found the key is to give very clear directions and point it out if those are ignored. Also, I am reconciled to the fact that the prices are a tiny bit high for what I get but I hate shopping so the trade off is worth it for me.
As an example, I specifically said no sleeveless or button up shirts. I received a box with both and in my review I said (nicely) that I have received items I had said would not work for me. I got a very nice email from customer service apologizing and waiving my fee for the month. This last month I told them exactly what holes I had in my wardrobe for summer and specified what I did not want (no more non-breathable fabrics). And my box mostly met those requirements. They kept sending handbags and I kept the first one, but after getting multiple bags I finally said stop sending them (unless it is x,y,z). However, be aware that if your requirements are very specific, you may find yourself getting a lot of earrings so they can fill the box!
Generally I keep 2-3 items per box. There have been very few times I have either kept everything or sent everything back.
anon
I’ve only ever done one StitchFix and it was for maternity wear because I had a $100 coupon. I liked that there was option to do a one off purchase – they didn’t trick you into a subscription. I kept everything in my box and I wear all the stuff all the time. I figured out that if I sent back the few pieces I was lukewarm on, it would have worked out more expensive since then I would have to pay the styling fee, so I just kept everything. Maybe I’ll try them again for post-partum clothing.
Cornellian
I tried it once and said I needed work clothes for my conservative NYC law firm job, and that I was coming back from maternity. The first item was a translucent ballet pink crop wrap top that stopped above my belly button. It was so off-base it was hilarious and my friends still reference it.
Anon
I started Stitch Fix in January. My sister asked what I wanted for my birthday and I couldn’t think of anything really but then I mentioned that I was SICK of wearing the same five or so tops on rotation for the entirety of the pandemic. I thought she’d send me a top but she sent me a generous gift cert to Stitch Fix.
My first shipment I only kept two things – I was specific about what I wanted, which was tops that were not too casual (ok for a zoom call), but the stylist tried to send me other things than that. So I kept two tops and sent back jeans, a sweatshirt (wtf) and a tee shirt.
After that I bought quite a few tops from their online store to spend the rest of my gift cert. Then I got a second box in April and the stylist has figured me out. She sent four tops, all of which were exactly right, and a pair of jeans. I actually liked the jeans even though I didn’t ask for them, and if I’d sent them back I’d have lost the keep-everything discount, which basically means the jeans were free.
I sincerely hope I keep the same stylist because she really gets me now.
And I have at least 10 new tops since January that I look forward to wearing, and they’re all presentable plus machine washable.
what is a healthy relationship
My handle says it all. I got out of a longterm relationship a few months ago and the break up has left its marks… My best friend listened to me as I was processing what had happened and pushed me to therapy because she identified instances of emotional abuse and manipulation and wanted me to believe I deserved better (her words). I’m grateful to her because, even working with a therapist, it took me months to call my ex’s behavior abuse because he wasn’t physically violence. Now, I’m realizing that I don’t know what a healthy relationship actually looks like. My parents are dysfunctional at best and I don’t have any other examples I can look to. Can anyone here point me to resources – articles? podcasts? books? I’ll try anything – that can help me understand this? I feel like I’m floundering in therapy because I don’t know what is healthy and I find myself asking my therapist about such small, stupid things only to learn that it was a red flag I didn’t see or know to look out for. I’m learning what was bad, but I don’t feel like I have the tools to envision a healthy, happier version I would want in the future.
Anonymous
My marriage is far from perfect but if I had to summarize it, I would say it’s like a relationship with your best friend except you really like ‘gardening’ with them.
How are your friendships? Romantic relationships are basically friendships with gardening added.
Senior Attorney
The writings of John Gottman on relationships are great. I like The Relationship Cure, which is about all kinds of relationships, not just romantic partnerships, as an introductory text. And he also has a bunch of books more specifically about marriage and romantic relationships.
Good luck and congratulations for being willing to do this work!!
asdf
No advice but solidarity. My spouse and I are in a really bad place; divorce seems more likely than not at this point. My biggest regret is not dating more before committing. I think that would have given me a much better sense of what a healthy relationship looks like. FWIW, my parents have a very happy marriage so even growing up in that environment didn’t inoculate me against this kind of problem.
anon
I really liked the book How to be an Adult by David Richo (which is about how to be an emotionally healthy adult and actually gets to the root of your problems in a way that a lot of books don’t), and he has one How to be an Adult in Relationships that seems like it would be great for you too. I have read so many self improvement books that my therapist banned me from them for a while and How to be an Adult is one of the best I have ever read.
Anon
Keep talking about this with your therapist! I spent close to two years on this very topic with mine.
Monday
Check out Natalie Lue–both writings and podcast “Baggage Reclaim.”
Anon
Therapy and think of the relationship you have with this great friend. People (family, boyfriends) should also treat you like that.
FWIW, assuming you are a generally kind person (you seem it!), think of how YOU treat other people.
Anon
Even though I’m almost 40, I remember the advice I got from health class in high school. We had an exercise where we had to identify healthy and unhealthy relationships from TV shows and movies. Then we had to explain what was healthy and unhealthy about them. I specifically remember The Simpsons being one because they never intentionally hurt each other (though can be oblivious at times) and always apologize and make up when they do hurt each other.
I’d say some of the basics are they never intentionally hurt you verbally or physically, they strive to not disappoint or upset you, your needs are at least as important if not more important than their own (my relationship is like this in a humorous way. When we disagree we both automatically want to give in and then we are now debating the opposite side). They aren’t jealous or controlling. They aren’t mad if you want to go out with girlfriends or have to work late (assuming it is not their birthday or something). They run major decisions by you. Like, they don’t just come home with a dog or rent a place across town or spend a ton of money without discussion. They try to boost you up when you are down, give you confidence when you need it.
what is a healthy relationship
I appreciate these suggestions and will look them up. I definitely plan to stay with my therapist as long as my insurance allows. Very thankful for this community today. I was too embarrassed to ask anyone IRL.
Anon
For me, a healthy relationship is about equal sharing of the load (including emotional labor), constant honest communication with no hindrance to communication – so not bottling up what you really want to say, not letting it get to the point where you want to explode – and maintaining your bedroom life. Those are the three keys for me. 21 years married to this man, and I’m optimistic for another 21 because we seem to have it figured out. We aren’t perfect and we still bicker but it’s not over big stuff. We are on the same page there.
anonshmanon
this. I would add to have a balance of a) strong commitment to the couple/family unit and b) leaving room for individuality. And communication helps with all of that. Being able to name a feeling. Saying ‘this makes me feel defensive’ is so much better than lashing out defensively. Or outright requesting reassurance if you are feeling insecure. Or being able to say ‘I love you, but I will take some me-time now’. Both people having that space and that security is really helpful.
Anonymous
If you’re still reading, I think you’re asking the wrong question. A good relationship can take a lot of forms. I think it’s a mistake to have some idealized vision of what a relationship should be, and hold every relationship to that yard stick. I think a good relationship is a know it when you see it kind of thing.
If you’re figuring out red flags you missed, that’s gold. That’s exactly what you want – to figure out what you DON’T want so you can cut and run quickly. The best thing I learned in therapy was to listen to those niggling doubts and get out of the relationship faster. I wasted so many years giving sh!tty men the benefit of the doubt because I didn’t trust my own instincts. Dating became much easier when I started trusting myself. Now I’m marrying an awesome guy who just sort of clicks with me. Neither he nor the relationship are exactly what I would’ve envisioned for myself years ago, but it turns out they’re exactly the right fit for me.
Anon
Has anyone worn Sezane (French brand of clothing)? It looks like it is one of those companies that goes up to a 10-12 in US sizes. I have size 10 US hips, but am a pear. I know European brands run small, so maybe their blouses wouldn’t quite skim over my hips. But they are so pretty! I don’t want to get into a big game of ship-and-return and no one seems to carry this locally to try on.
Anonymous
I’ve heard it runs very small. If you’re a size 10, I wouldn’t bother. Personally (as a size 12), I plan to start putting my money towards companies that are size-inclusive. There are more options today than ever before and voting with your dollar works.
Cat
No but their size guide is really detailed with measurements by cm — the stuff is lovely and I’ve debated giving it a whirl myself since return shipping is free!
Anon
I love that brand. I’m a 12-14 and their largest size has always worked comfortably for me (I don’t like things tight)
Anonymous
DOC wears it, which tells me it is likely cut narrow.
anon
Who is DOC?
Cat
Duchess of Cambridge
Anon
I think the Duchess of Cambridge, aka Kate Middleton.
Anon
I’ve tried a few things from Sézane that I thought I would looooove and sadly nothing ever works out for me. I think it runs slightly small. One item I was between sizes, and one dress looked almost nothing like the photo IMO, or maybe it was just nothing like I pictured.
The pictures are so pretty though.
I did ship and return and it was fine. One box was actually damaged/lost by UPS on the way back to them and they totally refunded me anyway and it was a nonissue.
I think there is a Sézane store in NY that I aspire to go to when travel happens again. At least, prepandemic there was.
Anonymous
I just bought a Sezane blouse and sized up much larger than normal (Size 4/6, but bought a size 10/12). I probably could have done slightly smaller but I wanted a more generous looking fit at the hips. I love the blouse and have been looking for a few more pieces. It was a middle of the night – buy myself something nice splurge. Totally worth it.
anonshmanon
thanks to all who recommended The Unhoneymooners. Such a fun read!
What would you do with $1M?
Anon for this, and caveating this with the fact that we recognize our privilege. What would you do with 1 million dollars if they somehow fall into your lap?
There is a possibility that my husband and I might receive in the order of $1M pay-out from a much smaller investment we made a few years ago (think: startup to IPO situation).
Other relevant factors:
– age +/- 40 years old, 1 kid elementary school age in the US
– HHI 270k/year with upside potential in the next few years
– almost $500k in the bank in various other investment vehicles (some savings, several Equity funds US/non-US, money market/index funds, Tech funds via Fidelity and Vanguard)
– no 529 or other specific college savings, as we may return to Europe at some point in the future and do not want to bind those funds to the US if we can’t be sure that our kid will study here
– own a rental property in Europe (mainly for real estate investment purposes, the annual income from that is ~$10k)
– contributing the max to all available retirement accounts (incl. traditional IRAs, ROTH IRA, etc)
– we already have more house than we need (fully paid off), in a coveted area of town
– we are not spendy, don’t need new cars, don’t have expensive hobbies like horseriding, golf, etc
Of course we could always make updates to our own house, but nothing in the house is going on our nerves that it would warrant a reno right now, and just spending money because we have it seems kind of weird to us.
We are very happy and content with our current lifestyle, don’t feel the need to upgrade anything…
We are contemplating
1) Buying more real estate to rent out in the same location in Europe. Super hot market and will probably appreciate further. At the moment, we manage the existing rental property by ourselves, but with another one we likely need a management company.
2) Buying real estate to rent out where we currently live, as the local market continues to appreciate, as well. Would probably need to outsource managing, because we hate dealing with local repair people and contractors.
3) Buying real estate somewhere nice that can be used as a vacation home, either Europe or US. Would need to outsource managing this, as well. Are timeshares still a thing?
4) Putting the money somewhere in the bank/invest. Then the question is, invest in what?
So hive, what could we do with the money?
Anonymous
I would look at this from the prospect of having a balanced and diversified portfolio, and likely end up with most of it in the market, filling in any portfolio gaps so you have. Otherwise you will be dramatically overweighted in real estate.
Anon
Taxable brokerage account, invested in index funds in whatever stock/bond ratio you’re most comfortable with. There’s no need to make it complicated.
Anonymous
I would retire, no question, if you are truly that wealthy with a paid-off house and a “not spendy” lifestyle.
anonshmanon
I would put half in index funds and give half away. I tend to go for nonprofits that fight climate change, personally. But half a million could do so much good in whatever arena you pick.
anon
Unless you are 100% certain you are either (i) returning to Europe or (ii) can pay for college out of pocket when the time comes, I would prioritize ensuring that you have savings available for that. I get why you wouldn’t do a 529, but I’d talk to an investment advisor about alternative strategies.
NY CPA
First of all congratulations!
I would put money for college aside in a separate taxable investment account, rather than a restricted account. You say you “we may return to Europe at some point”, but if there’s a reasonable chance you’re kid is going to go to school in the US, you/they will be on the hook for a $300K+ education at many private universities, since you won’t qualify for any aid with your wealth. I literally just looked up the cost of attendance at my alma mater and it was over $80K/year, which is mind-blowing and has gone up $10-15K/year in the last 10 years since I was there. If your child doesn’t end up going to school in the US, no loss to you! You’ve got the money sitting in the bank.
I would also buy a vacation property somewhere you enjoy going. I wouldn’t do a timeshare, as they often don’t offer you a good value proposition and are depreciating assets, although they are still a thing in many places. I would pick beach or ski mountain, which I would enjoy and would be able to easily rent out if I wanted, but the options are endless!
Any other money, I’d put in ETFs/index funds in a taxable investment account.
LaurenB
Consider putting aside funds for the college education of your child’s eventual children.
Senior Attorney
My husband and I have been talking about building a house in a vacation destination, so that’s what I would do. But we are in a very different stage of life as you.
And no, timeshares are not a thing. If I were you I would give away 10%, and put the remainder 50/50 in rental real estate and the stock market (presuming you already have a fully funded college fund for your child).
Anon
This will literally never happen to me, you might as well ask me what I would do if I won the lottery, so it’s fun to fantasize. I would give a huge chunk to my parents so they can retire immediately, take a really luxurious trip, and put the rest in savings so maybe I might be able to retire someday.
What would you do with $1M?
I would love to give the money to our families abroad. Unfortunately, exchange rates and foreign tax rates of such transactions would take away a big part of that.
Anon
I’d retire early. With $1.5 million invested you can live off of $60k/year. That would cover my expenses in a low cost of living area and I could still afford to travel. But I don’t have kids.
Anonymous
My husband and I would aim to use the money to retire earlier in whatever money-earning vehicle would give us the best returns. We are saving hard to retire (or step significantly back) in our late 50s once the kids are out of college. If I were you, I would buy the home into which I plan to retire (coastal, cape-cod style one level living with an upstairs for company, wide doors for wheelchairs, etc) and vacation in it often. Possibly rent it but if you would gut it before moving to retire anyway as renters are h3ll on property. In our personal situation I would let my mom live in it.
pugsnbourbon
It doesn’t sound like you really love managing rentals, so I wouldn’t do that. I feel like having to engage a management company would add more stress to your life, which is the opposite of what a $1m windfall should do.
I’m not saying this to be virtue-signaling but giving a chunk away would be super fun. I have a fantasy of becoming a major donor for a museum and then getting invited to all their snooty events as a secret normie.
You say you don’t have expensive hobbies … but you could start one.
Senior Attorney
Haha we kind of do this and it’s hilarious! Hubby and I were both “giving ’til it hurts” to the same arts organization before we met, and when we got married all of a sudden combining those donations added up to major donor status. I love your term “secret normie” because that’s totally how I feel at some of the events!
Anonymous
+1. I’d put away enough for both kids’ education in a taxable account ($600K for both kids, banking on investment growth to offset tuition increases), take up an expensive hobby, and become a major donor to our city’s ballet company, symphony orchestra, and/or art museum.
A.
I would put a chunk into a donor-advised fund (I work in philanthropy) and have fun giving it away to orgs that align with your values.
Anonymous
Work with an accountant to mitigate the tax hit. Ask about superfunding a 529 (can use it for high school, summer programs, and even study abroad expenses); also ask about a “defined benefit plan” although that probably won’t make sense. buy admiral funds in vanguard in vtsmax and the other popular one. fund a health savings plan.
anonymous
For you to just casually state $1 mm will fall into your lap say nothing more than you “recognize [y]our privilege” is revolting. This wealth was built on the backs of BIPOC and white supremacy and your post is entirely insufficient to recognize that injustice.
anon
LOL
Anonymous
What an odd assumption. Wealth in the Silicon Valley goes to a population non majority white.
What would you do with $1M?
Thank you for all the suggestions, and the criticism, too. I should have included in the background info that we live in a LCOL area, so we didn’t need millions of cash to pay our house off, like in a coastal city.
The idea of looking at early retirement and buying a retirement property somewhere nice is a good one.
And yes, we should look into specifically setting aside money for our child’s education in case we/kid stay in the US. Right now the assumption was that we’d be able to fund this from savings/investments when we get there, but it makes sense to have a separate vehicle for this.
We fully plan on donating a good portion to social justice causes.
To the poster above accusing me and my family of having gained that money on the back of BIPOC: I included my comment about recognizing my privilege to signal that for me, this discussion about an extra million is not normal, at all! I’m sorry if this is triggering to you.
Husband and I grew up quite modest in a lesser known European country with our early childhood spent behind the iron curtain and a lot of economic uncertainty and political instability after 1990. We don’t come from wealth, which explains our somewhat frugal and no-nonsense lifestyle. Yes, we’re white, and have benefitted from the systematic inequalities in the US.
We’re trying to be allies wherever we can and continue to educate ourselves about the history of this country even though we’re far away from even becoming citizens and being able to vote (thanks, immigration laws). Other than donating regularly to social justice issues (already 10% of take-home monthly), what would you suggest we do?
Anon
Just venting. I’ve interviewed at 15 law firms this month, and have gotten zero offers. My resume clearly is good enough, but I must be putting people off in my interviews. I am not sure why. It’s hard to gauge reactions on Zoom. Maybe my writing sample sucks? I’m feeling very discouraged. I jumped from 1 extremely toxic firm to another early in my career, and then ended up at a very reputable firm for a few years but was recently laid off. I think this is probably the red flag I haven’t been able to neutralize. Advice or commiseration welcome I’m feeling somewhat helpless.
Go for it
Look on ask a manager ~ great tips there
Also,
Can you have someone do one or two mock interviews with you and tape them and view yourself to see how you come across?
Good luck
JD
Do you have any friends/acquaintances in this area? In addition to taping a mock interview, you might ask them for honest feedback on a mock interview.
Anonymous
That’s discouraging I’m sorry. When you said 15 firms I thought you must be in law school, not a lateral. That’s nuts, I never had that many interviews at a time as a lateral. I wonder if firms are scheduling more interviews because Zoom is easier and faster than in person? I think we usually interview 2-3 people when we have a lateral position open, but now it’s like the sky’s the limit.
Flats Only
Not a lawyer, but could their hiring timelines be longish? Maybe the one your interviewed with a month ago didn’t choose you, but I bet some of the more recent ones haven’t even made their decisions yet, so chin up! Follow up as appropriate in a positive way, since you are undoubtedly still in the running!
Anon
the career services office at both your law school and undergrad institution likely have some resources for interviewing and can probably offer you a free mock interview. it might be your interviewing or it might just be really bad luck. i’m not a practicing attorney anymore, but we were just interviewing for a new role at my office and there were three candidates who we really liked, but could only hire one for the job.
Anon
Might I suggest working with a career coach? I have been having a really weird year careerwise, and happened to meet a career coach through a bar association. I started working with her and it’s been really amazing — we’re just now getting to the stage of applying for jobs, but she’s been awesome in helping me identify the kinds of jobs I actually want to target and getting my application package all rewritten. I am sure they could also help you with prepping for interviewing, because I know that is the next step that I’m working on with mine.
anon
Are you working with a recruiter? I normally don’t love recruiters but a recruiter should be able to get feedback in this type of situation. A good one would also help coach you through practice interviews.
Allie
Reach out to your law school’s career services – ask they to review your writing sample and do a mock interview with you and give you feedback. They are supposed to help alums.
Shelle
Apologies if this has been asked before. I’ll soon be fully vaccinated and will start working in the office and dining outdoors. I haven’t done either of these things since the pandemic started, so I’m wondering where people are putting their masks when they are not wearing them at their desk or table. Health department websites seem to all suggest a paper or mesh bag. Or should I buy a set of washable cloth pouches? Thank you!
Cat
I finally caved and bought a mask chain (it can be used as a sunglasses chain too once we’re done with masks). Way easier than scrambling to find it when the server approaches.
NY CPA
I have one of these too and love it.
No Problem
At work, I would probably just keep it next to me on my desk so I remember to grab it if I need to leave my office for some reason (bathroom, kitchen, printer). At a restaurant, I would put it in my pocket or purse alongside my phone and keys.
Anonymous
At work I’d put a Command hook by the door.
Cornellian
I’ve just been doing outdoor breweries, etc but I mostly just throw it in my purse. That is probably not ideal. I recently dug out a mask necklace that I’m going to start taking to the office when i have to go in. I’d try one of those, especially because you often need to take it on and off several times as courses come, etc.
Anon
I don’t see the need to be too precious about it. I usually stuff mine in my pocket or bag, or put it in my lap.
Jules
I use a mask chain and bought one for all the women in my office and the women in our small pandemic friends group. (Most of the men in my office just stick their mask in their pants pocket, but my 26-y-o law student son uses chains also.) We mask in common areas in the office but not at our desks, although we are loosening up now that our entire, small office is fully vaccinated. The chain/lanyard is extremely handy; you can’t accidentally walk away from your desk without your mask and it stays clean (unless you drop your salad into it at lunch, which I have been known to do).
I bought some made with ribbon from Etsy and some metal chains, these:
https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/B08D9KF7MX/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Elderlyunicorn
You may not be in the market for new masks, but I bought a 4 pack at Nordstrom that loop around your ears, but there’s a tie that goes around your neck. I like them quite a bit … they are a soft jersey material, have a pouch for a filter and the loop/tie makes it easy to adjust. When I take it off, it just hangs around my neck.
https://www.nordstrom.com/s/nordstrom-assorted-4-pack-adult-face-masks/5702472?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=001#product-page-reviews
NY CPA
First of all congratulations!
I would put money for college aside in a separate taxable investment account, rather than a restricted account. You say you “we may return to Europe at some point”, but if there’s a reasonable chance you’re kid is going to go to school in the US, you/they will be on the hook for a $300K+ education at many private universities, since you won’t qualify for any aid with your wealth. I literally just looked up the cost of attendance at my alma mater and it was over $80K/year, which is mind-blowing and has gone up $10-15K/year in the last 10 years since I was there. If your child doesn’t end up going to school in the US, no loss to you! You’ve got the money sitting in the bank.
I would also buy a vacation property somewhere you enjoy going. I wouldn’t do a timeshare, as they often don’t offer you a good value proposition and are depreciating assets, although they are still a thing in many places. I would pick beach or ski mountain, which I would enjoy and would be able to easily rent out if I wanted, but the options are endless!
NY CPA
Whoops! Nesting fail.
Hot Flashes?
Can someone talk to me about hot flashes/early stages of menopause? I am 48 and have not had my period in 5 years because I had a uterine ablation, so really have no sense of what my menstrual cycle would otherwise be doing. Last night I woke up with what I assume was my first hot flash. That was uncomfortable enough, but manageable. What I was NOT prepared for was the absolute anxiety spiral that accompanied it, keeping me up for 2+ hours. I’m a pretty relaxed person and have never suffered from anxiety, but I have been feeling pretty worked up (doubting myself, feeling incapable of taking on a new challenge at work, like my career is over, etc) and now I’m wondering if this is all part of overreacting hormones. Is this just what happens? Any tips for managing it? I’m going to talk to my doctor but also wondering about other people’s experiences — I don’t feel like anyone prepared me for this, and I’m feeling especially nervous because I never tolerated birth control pills well and thus am worked up about the idea of hormone therapy. TIA!
Anone
I’ve posted before about my success with Seronol – which is derived from bee pollen – for perimenopause syptoms. In my case those symptoms included sore breasts, extreme moodiness and worsened severity of periods . I was very very skeptical about the effectiveness of an herbal supplement, and was surprised to find that it worked well for me. You can order on am*azon.
Hot Flashes?
Thank you! Just ordered.
Anon for This
In my case, I was also concerned about hormone therapy, although I may get there yet. (I am in my early 50s.) What worked for me for sleep was edibles (micro-dose; in my case 2.5 mg) an hour before bed.
Obviously might not work for you (live in a state without legal MJ, drug tests at work, moral or ethical objection) but I know a number of women who have found relief this way, particularly with sleeping and the anxiety spiral (which is how I found out about it).
Anonymous
More essential fatty acids in your diet or by supplement.
401k
Speaking of retirement, any suggestions as to what to do with a 401k after you’ve left a job? Leave it in the old fund, roll it over,consolidate to the new fund, incest in an IRA, etc.? Thanks!
401k
Sorry, that would clearly be invest, not incest (or in c’est, or any other typo fails)!
anon
Always roll it over into an IRA to maximize my options of where to invest the $ (Vanguard index funds with low fees), and to keep things simple/organized/managed by only 1 or 2 management companies (I have everything at Fidelity and Vanguard).
Anonymous
Anyone with a backdoor Roth IRA do this? Wouldn’t having a balance for a traditional IRA affect your taxes and ability to do a backdoor Roth successfully?
Anon
Yes, it does. Which is way I always advice against this.
401k
Thank you so much! I have accounts with both and will look to one of those. I appreciate it!
AnonATL
I rolled mine over to the same financial advisor my husband uses. I was leaving my job right about when we got married and my new employer didn’t offer a 401k match.
Anonymous
My big 401k (>100k) I left at my old employer. My short-term employer 401k (<2k) I rolled over into my new employer's 401k because it was easy (they both used the same platform), free, and short term employer would have charged me to maintain less than 10k. I'd look into fees for anything you want to do.
Anon
Assuming this is truly a 401k, it probably makes sense to roll it over into an IRA, but if you have good investment options with low fees, there’s no reason you need to do this right away. Depending on the plan details, it might also be better to roll it into the new 401k instead. It can be better to better to have money in a 401k than an IRA for legal liability reasons (depends on state, I think) or if you want to contribute to a backdoor Roth at some point.
If it’s not actually a 401k, but some other kind of retirement account, then it’s more likely you should leave it as is. I’ve worked for state governments and have several old accounts with very, very low fees (lower than regular Vanguard), but one is a 401a tied to access to retirement health benefits, so I don’t want to roll that one over (if I even could), and one is a 457, which is eligible for penalty free withdrawal, and I’d lose that if I rolled it over.
TLDR: research your options before deciding rollover to an IRA is for sure the best choice.
401k
Wow, thank you. Backdoor Roth is what I was forgetting. We do meet the limitations (income-wise) to be prohibited from contributing otherwise. I will check this out! However, I believe I have an old Roth IRA so that might have tax implications. I also really need to do my homework in terms of current returns and fees, as well. Technically it’s a 403b. Thank you so much!
Anon
If you want to do backdoor Roth, definitely don’t rollover into an IRA right away! I don’t think your old Roth is an issue, though obviously read up on backdoor Roths before you start messing with them (I’m still eligible for regular Roth contributions, just keeping it in mind for the future). The fact that this is a 403b might change things in terms of rollover into the new plan, though, if the new one isn’t also a 403b- I’m not sure whether a 403b and 401k can be mixed? Anyway, if you have good investment options with low fees in the existing account, there’s no reason you have to do anything with it right now. If the fees are high (and they might change when you’re no longer an employee), then it becomes more pressing to figure out how to get the money out of that account and either into the account at your new job or an IRA, just know that the IRA will complicate the backdoor Roth.
401k
Thank you! I won’t rush into an IRA then, that could stink. This is a great reminder not to lose sight of fees. I do believe you can rollover a 403b into a 401k, one less complication! I suppose I should just look at the returns and investment mixes and fees and consolidate into one…and take advantage of my current employer’s matching. Thank you thank you!!
401k
Thank you all so much again! Turns out I do have a Roth IRA in a Vanguard Index Fund I set up nearly twenty years ago. I should probably keep better track! I have about $50k in this retirement account from the old job, and other funds in another 401k. I’m trying to figure out the tax implications…if not a backdoor Roth, perhaps an IRA…and I think the max annual IRA contribution is about $6,000. Argh! Thank you for your awesome advice! :)