Weekend Open Thread
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Sales of note for 2/14/25 (Happy Valentine's Day!):
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase — and extra 60% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + 15% off (readers love their suiting as well as their silky shirts like this one)
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 300+ styles $25 and up
- J.Crew – 40% of your purchase – prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site and storewide + extra 50% off clearance
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Flash sale ending soon – markdowns starting from $15, extra 70% off all other markdowns (final sale)
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
- when to toss old clothes of a different size
- a list of political actions to take right now
- ways to increase your intelligence
- what to wear when getting sworn in as a judge (congrats, reader!)
- how to break into teaching as a second career
TJ: I have money on the brain. My husband is going back to school starting in September for his masters. He’s in the nonprofit sector so he wasn’t make a ton of money before, but it’s definitely going to hurt when we go down to one paycheck. After all our fixed expenses are accounted for (mortgage, student loans, utilities, parking, etc., including a healthy 401K contribution for me) it really feels like we’re not going to have much to spend on food and other discretionary items. We have a decent emergency fund, and we’re going to be able to pay for his school without taking out more loans, but it’s still stressing me out!!!! If you had told me two years ago that I could be making (low) six figures and still feel a money pinch I would have told you that you were crazy. I feel like I need a perspective slap in the face right now.
I suppose it’s not really a threadjack on Weekend Open Thread . . .
Go read the Mr. Money Moustache blog.
I’ve read a lot of MMM. I think it’s an interesting perspective, and there are definitely some good lessons there, but I can’t really do a lot of what he writes about. I think the biggest problem is that I take genuine pleasure in eating interesting food, and I love love love to cook. If I went down to a total food bill of $300 (for a family of 3) I think I would be so sad.
I am trying to get down to $600/month for 2.5 people (we only have my stepdaughter every other week).
While I understand what you mean about needing perspective, from your perspective it will be tough to live on six figures because you haven’t had to do it yet. I had to make a similar adjustment and I just had to prioritize everything that is semi-discretionary. I ended up prioritizing food over clothes/shoes/accessories and I prioritizing eating what I want over eating out. So, I will not eat out, but I will spend money at the grocery store for decent quality items I can cook with. I also learned to drink cheap white wine (I have trouble with cheap red wine so I still spend a little more on that) and I rarely ever drink liquor anymore.
The adjustment period is tough, but you do get used it. Good luck!
To give you perspective, our total GROCERY bill (food, paper products, cleaning supplies, etc.) is $250 per month for 3 people. We cook at home and are comfortable. $300/month means we get to splurge.
Thanks! Can I ask you how you stretch that out? What do you buy and cook for food?
Well, not only are you going down to one income, but you’re adding a new category of expenses (his tuition/books, etc), so I’m not surprised you feel squeezed. Maybe regard the time when he is in school as a frugality challenge and a chance to put the brakes on creeping lifestyle inflation.
My husband went from Big Consulting to a PhD program last year. I work in nonprofit. We are surviving, albeit at reduced-luxury-circumstances, on less than six figures a year – quite a bit less, actually. We can’t travel like we love to do, but we make everything else work. I was never a real budgeter prior to this experience but that’s how we stay afloat.
It’s those dang student loans. I hate them.
You can do it!! I had a major panic attack when DH went back to school. Here’s what helped my panic attack:
– DH got a really big scholarship to grad school, which was great. He came out owing $40k instead of $200k like some of his peers. We borrowed an extra $20k over the 2 year program to serve as a “just in case” cash cushion. Meaning, if I lost my job/had some horrible accident and we burned through our 8 month emergency fund, we’d have this money on hand. We paid it back with the money we still had in savings as soon as he had a job offer, leaving us with $40k in tuition debt plus the interest on the $20k over 2 years (under $1k). Cheap insurance policy, IMHO.
– DH was going for his MBA, and made about $30k in the summer between his program. That replenished anything we dipped into, plus more.
– We bought a house right before he started his program, while we still had two incomes. We made sure the mortgage was something we could pay living off just my income (streeeeetching it), and while it was a net increase in our housing expense, it moved us from renters to homeowners and significantly decreased our tax bill.
– remember that you can always dial down your retirement IF you have to. DH and I have both been contributing to our retirement since just out of undergrad, so we are ahead of the curve compared to our peers in terms of cash stashed away. We made sure to contribute to both my and DH’s Roth IRAs while he was in school since once he got out we’d no longer be eligible.
– depending on your income, you may be eligible for the $2k student tax credit. I think the annual income cap is $120k, but that may have changed. We got a HUGE tax return the first year he was in school.
Now that school is behind us, DH graduated and we spend the first 12 months post-grad pretending his income didn’t exist. Everything he took home went to his loans, our savings/retirement, etc. We did buy a car, but other than that we literally continued to live on my income alone. We got rid of almost all his loan debt, re-built out savings, and padded our retirement accounts. We also figured it would be a good exercise if ever one of us were to be a stay at home parent (unlikely, but you never know). Fast forward 2 years, and DH is unemployed…and we feel absolutely no pinch because we’ve been squirrelling his income away. I was pretty surprised when we realized how easy it was to switch back to our old ways of living on the cheap.
This is so inspiring. Thanks for sharing.
Do you think it’s better to fund your own, self-managed Roth IRA (while you’re eligible) instead of contributing to your company’s 401k? My company doesn’t match – they just do an automatic 3% contribution regardless of what I put in.
I maxed out my 401k because that’s pretax money and reduces your AGI, thus reducing the amount of “income” you pay taxes on.
The Roth is after tax money. I get no match, no contribution but do it anyway.
YMMV.
Do you think your taxes will be higher or lower in retirement? If higher, put into a Roth and pay taxes at your current (lower) rate. If lower, put in the 401K and pay taxes at your future (lower) rate.
This is what I always assumed with a Roth, but a lot of the personal finance blogs I’ve been reading say to use the 401k and the Roth regardless of your tax bracket (assuming you can qualify).
The argument is that you don’t know what your income will be at retirement, and you don’t know what tax brackets will be, so you might as well spread out the risk and have two accounts: one with income that will be tax-free at retirement, and one that is tax-deferred.
My main concern is whether it makes more sense to manage my own account online with Vanguard or some other self-directed investment site, or to use the 401k which is managed by the company’s bank.
@MH Excellent point! Unless you’re in your early 20s (low tax bracket) or spending a few years at a high powered job (high tax bracket) it can be very hard to predict income changes decades into the future.
For the company’s bank, can you see what they’re investing in? I’d be concerned if they’re over-invested in their own stock. Afterall, nothing like having the company take a nose dive and losing your job and retirement savings in one shot. Personally, I’d prefer an index fund.
Our logic is that we’re always going to be top earners, and after a lifetime of that, expect to retire with significant assets. And taxes tend to trend upwards. So even if we move down a tax bracket or two, it’s pretty unlikely that we’ll end up any lower than we were when DH was in school.
My employer offers both a 401k and a roth 401k; I split my contributions between the two. We no longer qualify for a roth IRA, so having the roth 401k option is great for me (who prefers to pay now for peace of mind).
Our logic was: contribute up to 401(k) matching, then max out roth IRAs while we’re still young and in the 25% bracket, then keep stuffing into the 401(k).
When DH was in school, our household income was $120/year between what I made and what he made part time/during internships. After all the tax breaks we got because of our home ownership, his school, etc. we were at an effective tax rate of something like 8%. We were also in our mid-20s. We expect to retire wealthy(hey…one can dream), so we made the assumption that taxes are going nowhere but up, so maxed out the Roth. For me, it is also a matter of just getting the taxes out of the way now and looking at the money pile up and knowing it’s all in there TAX FREE! But that is a personal psychosis.
This sounds like it worked really well. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom with us!
I also make in the low 6-figures, and my H is unemployed, and I often feel the “squeeze.” When I need a perspective “slap in the face,” which is pretty often, I tell myself that I have a 401K, we each have a ROTH, we have an emergency savings fund, decent health insurance, the ability to make our mortgage payments, and no real worries about whether we will be able to buy groceries next week. Sure, it doesn’t “feel” like we have a lot of discretionary income because there’s not that much leftover. But we are extremely lucky to be able to cover the basics, build ourselves a safety net, and save for our future – those shouldn’t be luxuries, but far too many people can’t afford this much.
You said you need a perspective slap in the face, so I’m going to just give a few “tough love” words of adivce….that I’ve had to hear from others this year myself because my husband and I are living in 2 different cities so he can do a residency for a year and I can keep my job.
1. Needs and Wants…learn the concept. And stop convincing yourself that certain things are needs when you know they really aren’t. Easier said that done, I know. But when you’re pinching pennies it’s important.
2. “It’s not the quarters, it’s the nickels and dimes”. My brother-in-law’s father-in-law says this ALL. THE. TIME. But it finally sank in when I started tracking my expenses. Little things like coffee and ice cream at the mall don’t seem like big expenses. But they add up…quickly. Everyone has their vice, and you’re probably just going to need to bite the bullet and cut back on yours. Which leads to…
3. Know where your money is going! Track your expenes….every penny…for a couple of months. I was shocked to find out how much I was spending in area’s that I didn’t really feel were that out of control. You simply won’t know where you can cut back unless you know what’s going on.
And on a bit more of a positive note, ever since I started keeping a strict budget, I actually have MORE flexibility with our money. And I stress about things less because I know that I’m keeping my husband and I on track, even with keeping up two basically seperate lifestyles this year. Be positive; You can do it! :)
Thanks! I think laziness is really the biggest waste of my money. Driving into work and parking instead of taking the bus; buying lunch downtown instead of bringing in lunch; letting food go bad in the fridge because I’m not following the meal plan; and so on, and so on . . .
I’m tracking things with Mint, and hopefully that will be the constant reminder I need to spend those nickels and dimes.
we also cut cable 5 years ago and have not once considered bringing it back. $70/month. We bought a fancy smart TV after a few years, which was paid for entirely by our cable-less savings.
On these things I’ve given myself an allowance, which prevents me from feeling deprived. E.g. I am ‘allowed’ to buy lunch twice a week.
DH won’t go for Mint because of security fears. (I know, I know.) We use this app called EEBA (no idea what it stands for). You tell it how much you want to spend each month on each category (there are tons plus you can make more) and it shows you how you’re doing. So say we have 600 to spend on food. We each enter in our purchases and the slider shows how much you have left. You click on it and the envelope gives you a frowny face or happy face and tells you how far ahead/behind you are for that point in the month. You can also see where the expenses are (you enter in the grocery store name or restaurant or whatever).
It is amazing how much 6 months of using the app has changed our spending in ways writing down expenses or tracking things on spreadsheets never did. Plus the envelope guy makes me happy.
I am also going to give you a slap in the face/perspective….If you are earning a salary in the low six figures, if you are considering “a healthy contribution to [your] 401(k)” a “fixed” expense, then know that you are earning well above the median income for this country, and most likely more than average for whatever city you live in. Just remind yourself that the majority of people are able to get by with much, much less than you have- and a lot of them have kids to feed and/or elderly people to support. If the rest of us can do it, so can you. It might be helpful for you to g**gle the median income for your city, median rent, average per capita, etc. and see how much better off you are than others. Also research statistics on how many people have retirement savings at all, or benefits like health insurance, disability insurance, etc…things I think you probably have.
Please note, I really am just saying this to be helpful as I think it’s in line with what you requested. I will also say that I recently started a new job earning twice as much as I ever have before in my life and I was SHOCKED to see how very, very quickly my spending caught up to my salary and how quickly the money I am earning seemed like “barely enough.” The things I reminded you of above are things I did myself to keep perspective.
You just need to budget! Don’t eat out a lot and you will also become SVELTE dad say’s! Yay!
I love open threads b/c everything is OPEN!
This Brit guy Sam is no catch. He kept talking about his new TEMPER PEDIC matteress like he is the onley guy who sleep’s at nite! He said 2 peeople can sleep w/o knoweing the other is in bed. I said FOOEY! And he said he would pay me €500 if he was wrong.
Before you know it he told me I had to sleep over to win the bet so I figured out this was a cheep trick for him to see me in pajamas so I agreed to test the bed out. He got all excited AND agreed until I told him I would onley test it with Myrna or Grandma Leyeh if he was in the other room.
This Sam was not thrilled but will still let the bet go on. Myrna will do it as a pajama party but SAM cannot have any male freind over and he cannot look at our boobies! DOUBEL FOOEY on him for trying to fool me! I have heard that type of cheep line before. Some doosh at the Hillel House in DC said he wanted to date me, but ONLEY if I would do the horizonntel Hora with him, and he had a singel dorm bed. I told him he was GROSS!! Triple FOOEY on that DOOSH!
I just watched the Frontline episode on PBS called Two American Families. It follows two middle-class families from the 90’s to the present and all of their struggles – I found it to be a nice reminder of how fortunate I am to have a job, health insurance, and home that am not worried about paying for. Maybe watch it for some perspective?
Is there a way that he can still work part-time? I’ve never seen a master’s program in which students are required to provide 100% of their time to the courses. Doctoral programs, yes, but master’s programs, no. This is from someone who served as an academic advisor for graduate students for 10 years at a prestigious university. Most of the students worked either full-time or part-time. Any chance this can be the case for your husband? Master’s courses are only once a week and you only take between 3-4 classes per week. There’s time to find a part-time job to at least pay for groceries and other minor expenses around the house.
I know where you are coming from. I grew up below the poverty line, so when I ended up with a six-figure income after graduating from law school, it felt like I was making an obscene amount of money and should be able to afford X [good cheese, grown up furniture, $200 suits, lunch and dinners out, lots of books, etc.] Our finances just weren’t working, though, and it was leaving me frustrated. The light bulb moment was when I sat down and realized that my six-figure salary, after taxes, retirement, student loan payments, and DH’s tuition (he goes to school full time and does not work), is actually only a $35,000 salary, which is almost exactly what we were living off of in law school, when DH worked in retail and we didn’t have any of these other expenses (except for a *very* small tax bill). When I realized that, it helped me readjust my expectations about what we really can or should afford. I am counting down the days until DH graduates, though (4 more semesters!) – even if he can’t find a job at least we can use the huge chunk of money that is currently going towards his tuition to knock out my student loans and buy gruyere.
What is the most pearl-clutching-est-thing you’ve done this week?
I’ll go first. I wore flip flops in the office yesterday afternoon. Why? Because my feet are a lot sore from wearing my cowboy boots all week, and I just needed to not be in pain.
In my defence, I did hide in my office for most of the flip flop wearing, and someone here was wearing a strapless sundress so the standards for clothing are a little more lax, but I still felt a little bad.
Ha! At my (admittedly, extremely casual office) I have worn flip flops every day this week. Nice(r) ones from JCrew, but flip flops all the same. And today I’m wearing a sleeveless white lace top, colored tank, dark skinny jeans and flip flops which is pretty pearl clutch-y.
I would say my worst R e t t e moment though, was when I changed into workout clothes in the office bathroom at 3pm on Wednesday, so I could save time by not changing at the gym (to make it in time for a class), since I knew I’d have phone meetings from 330-530. I just had in-my-office work to do (no in person meetings, boss out of town) but FiveFinger shoes are noticeable even on the walk from the bathroom to my office!
I close my door, the blinds, and change in my office, so actually going to the bathroom is step ahead!
If only I had blinds! I have a full length, ~3 foot wide glass panel facing into the hall.
We have those in my office too and I’ve noticed a few people have put up little curtains for privacy so that’s an option.
Realized that my skirt, while fine in length, had somewhat inappropriate side slits.
I am wearing the same pants for the second day in a row because my hallway is deserted today (partners all at their shore houses), the pants are headed for the dry cleaner tomorrow anyway due to sagginess and behind-the-knee wrinkling (not stains, at least!), and why not get one more wear out of them rather than dirtying up something cute for sitting and drafting all day?
Is everyone ready for a serious pearl-clutch?
Earlier this week I woke up 15 minutes before I had to leave for work…yikes! I grabbed my Suzi Chin faux wrap dress, hastily did my hair/make-up and planned on sliding into my Spanx with just enough time to get out the door. Much to my dismay, I could not find my Spanx ANYWHERE, didn’t have time to change (did I mention I haven’t done laundry in over 2 weeks?) and I can’t wear underwear with the dress. I had to be to work right away for a morning meeting, so I just went commando. Gasp!
GASP INDEED! This is the best story yet, I love it! I think I would have made the same choice, to be honest…
I should ask this question every weekend.
That’s why I’ve got a bunch of drugstore faux-Spanxes as backups. I don’t know exactly what Spanx style you need, so you may not be able to find a cheap fake in your local Rite Aid, but it’s worth having on hand if you can.
Girl I have done that more times than I’m proud of.
But not this week! I don’t think I’ve done anything pearl clutch-y this week, actually. I wore colored skinny jeans to work on Wednesday? Would be more exciting if our dress code didn’t permit jeans.
I went commando for the first time last week after an incident that shall never be told! With the hot weather and my breezy skirts, I’ll admit that I wondered what the point of wearing underwear was which may or may not have result in a google search “why do we wear underwear”… Fortunately I’m back to my senses this week.
And you’re telling us this because….?!?
Because the prompt is pearl clutching behavior. On an anonymous forum. Where someone else just told a story about doing the exact same thing.
I really don’t know why I even comment here anymore.
Did this today. Thongs were riding up so they had to go by lunch. hid them in my purse. Wrap dresses hide a lot.
Last week I chipped off my gel manicure, except for one nail. So I went around the office for a week with one nail painted (pale pink) for about a week before it chipped off too.
This isn’t pearl clutching behavior, it’s a r e t t e requirement! Bonus points for a hair tie on your wrist.
You win if you do all these things and you’re an intern with a Birkin. Right? Right?
Well, it’s certainly not pearl-clutching compared to going commando (which has happened, but not too recently because my darling H did my laundry this week… and last).
I went to the gym after work last Friday, and was home alone all weekend in shorts, t-shirt and flip-flops, and didn’t bathe until Monday morning. Heh.
This. Is. Awesome.
I’m not a pearl-clutcher, but I’m clutching my pearls at this one! I cannot stand myself if I don’t shower a couple of hours after a workout.
I love it!!!
Today I’m wearing what can only be described as a sundress. It’s got a busy pattern that slightly disguises the fact that the material is basically cotton jersey, but it’s definitely something I wear on weekend errands in the summer. It’s even possible I’ve thrown it over a bathing suit at some point. But, being the fashion rebel I am, I decided throwing a ponte blazer (purple, no less) would make it “professional” today. I seem to be getting away with it, because I work with 3 men, who in addition to lacking pearls to clutch also could be among the many men I know who think skirt / dress = dressed up.
I’m super comfy though:)
Okay, here goes: clutch tight!
I realized today that my jeans (casual friday at work today) have two tiny friction holes in my upper(most) thigh area, one on each side, where my thighs apparently rub together a lot – just below the crotch seams. The holes are not visible when I am standing because you would have to have a very particular angle to see them (I checked – making some rather hair-raising postures in front of the office bathroom full-length mirror when all the stalls were empty)! I am sitting behind a desk all day and will take public transportation home.
Have a very busy day with deadlines but no meetings, so I dont have the time to run out to a pharmacy or the mall to buy something else, though they are not far. I have an extra top/sweater/blazer in my desk drawer but no bottoms. So, powering through the day as usual! Move along, nothing to see here!
All my favorite jeans wind up like this eventually. I don’t worry about it until the holes get big enough that they are squeezing some inner thigh flesh out of them. If I get the thigh squeeze or holes larger than JFK half dollar coin, I start thinking about retiring the jeans for work. Otherwise, no problem.
This happens to my husband’s jeans.
I always thought it was my thighs, but it also happens from bicycling!
I haven’t combed my hair for 3 days.
I wash it, and let it dry, and put it in a ponytail. My hair is now so frizzy that the “ponytail” looks like an exploded shrubbery.
Gasp!
Hah, yeah right, I totally do this too. My ponytail gets higher and higher and morphs into a bun the more my hair needs to be washed. Once I get to topknot, it’s game over, because I can’t have a ponytail where my bangs are.
We are hair twins. I’ve got bangs/a fringe too!
I am wearing a beautiful Ann Taylor dress with an odd neckline today. I realized this morning that the arm holes gape way too much and show a whole lot of my bra. Sweaters and jackets looked weird though because of the neckline and just didn’t work with the dress. So I changed out of my black bra into one that’s pink figuring it was a closer match to my skin tone. So I’d join you in pearl clutching right now, but I can’t lift my arms right without looking indecent. :)
Sat around in the park with just shorts and a bra due to severe lack of bikini tops in my size.
Realized this week that I’ve put on a few pounds so my pencil skirts were a little inappropriately tight (and also slightly too short as a result)
Don’t mean to bring a negative/sad tone to the thread, but ladies, I have been married for less than a year and hubby and I have been fighting like crazy lately. We have decided we need to go to marriage counseling. I have not and will not tell any of my friends or family about this, so I suppose that’s why I’m going to an online support forum for advice! Just wondering if anyone has gone to marriage counseling after such a short period of being married and if you have any advice in general on how to make marriage counseling successful. Thanks!
I can’t give you much advice but comment you both for working on it. The first year is often the hardest.
*commend
I don’t have a lot to offer in terms of substantive advice, but wanted you to note that the first year of marriage can be one of the hardest. Don’t think that there’s necessarily something wrong with you or your relationship because you’re struggling. A lot of my recently married friends are having a tough time, too. I think it’d be better to go to marriage counseling than continue to fight, especially if you feel the fights aren’t helping. Others here have before mentioned analyzing both of your communication styles as well, because you just may not be getting through to each other. Hugs.
Thank you Susie and Nonny Moose. It is comforting to hear that the first year of marriage might be the hardest – b/c I was just like wow, where did this come from, we were SO freaking happy on our wedding day and honeymoon. It probably doesn’t help that hubby is in his first year of big law and started working shortly after we got back from our honeymoon.
Oh my goodness – chalk it up to 1L year! Seriously, I was going to echo the first year is one of the hardest anyway, but tossing law school into the mix? That’s the worst year of it, the most competitive, the hardest adjustment regardless of a relationship. I think counseling is a great idea – either together or even just for him to have a sounding board during law school.
Just re-read, first year of big law can be even worse than first year of law school – same thoughts just wanted to clarify.
I’ve been married less than 2 years. We lived together for several years beforehand. The first year we were married was definitely the hardest of all of our years, and that’s including a year-long stint where one of us was involuntarily unemployed and money was an increasing concern. Once you’re married, everything seems so much more important and meaningful, including the bad parts, like it’s all a sign of how the rest of your life is going to be. And we all have mental images of what a marriage looks like which are suddenly put in play once the honeymoon period is over… mental images that may or may not be good/helpful/based in reality. Good for you for going to therapy and counseling. I needed it too, and it helped a lot. And yeah, biglaw makes everything 1000x worse.
+1 to this, especially: “Once you’re married, everything seems so much more important and meaningful, including the bad parts, like it’s all a sign of how the rest of your life is going to be.”
I didn’t live with my husband before we got married, in fact we lived 3 hours apart during most of our dating/engagement so I wasn’t sure how much difference that would make. We didn’t do counseling, but I think the biggest turning point for me was about 4 months after we got married when my grandpa, who lived with us my entire life/helped raise me, passed away. My husband and I had just had a huge fight that day about something really stupid I don’t even remember anymore, I just remember I didn’t even want to talk to him and went to the gym. My mom couldn’t reach me and so called my husband, who came down to the gym to tell me the news. Suddenly the stupid fight didn’t matter anymore as he consoled me. Though there have been ups and down, we are there for each other when it matters.
And speak of the devil, he just texted me “I love you” in my native language out of the blue. Sometimes the smallest little thing can really brighten my day. (And please don’t take this to mean it is unusual for him to display affection or anything!)
Definitely agree. My hubs and I lived together for three years before getting married and have an awesome marriage, but (almost 2 years in) I still have thoughts like this. Suddenly when you’re married, things like “we haven’t had s__ this week” make you fear “I’m going to be in a s__less marriage forever!” Everything seems like such a bigger deal than it did while you were dating, even when it’s not!
The first year of my marriage was also the hardest of our seven year relationship (wow…) – I got laid off, we had some resultant financial troubles, no real breaks, busy at work, it was just a lot. We place a LOT of weight on the first year of the marriage – and yet for many of us, it may be the third or fourth or fifth year of our relationship. It also frequently falls during a difficult time in many people lives, during the mid or late-twenties; job changes and stress about “what am I doing with my life” can really put drains on the individuals – which can in turn put drains on any relationship. Plus – once you’re married – you can start getting pressure from family and friends about kids and the future in a way you may never have before.
All that being said, the first year of marriage is just *one* year of your relationship. And relationship counseling is no different than any other form of counseling (and shouldn’t be treated as a huge, stigmatizing step.) It doesn’t have to be the first sign of impending divorce. It can just be a thing you do.
Good luck. I think the fact that your DH is willing to go to counseling and work on your relationship is a really good sign actually. Many aren’t.
For us, marriage counselling was a life saver. I think the weight will be lifted for you.
Piggyback question – if you are not talking to friends family about it, any advice for finding a good counselor?
This is the OP here – same question. So far I have just been looking on yelp. Should I go through my health insurance?
Hi all … I’m snooping here over from my daily Ask A Manager fix, and wanted to chime in … Look at Psychology today’s website. They have a really good therapist finder. Find a few names and then see if they are in your network. Even if they are not, it can be worth it just to pay and submit the claims toward your out of network deductible.
I found a great one locally on there after searching around aimlessly and seeing a bunch of bad ones.
And Yes, the first couple of years can be the toughest … DH and I will be married four years this fall, and it went from awesome, to awful, to amazing. I’ve been told it will continue to do this over the years … best attitude for us to both have? Make a promise to each other to always try our best, and trust that the other one is doing that.
I wish you guys the best!
I found ours through DH’s EAP plan.
You could call another doctor you are comfortable with and ask for a referral, maybe?
We went to pre-marital counseling, and our therapist told us to just plan to schedule a few more sessions for 12 to 18 months after we were married, “because everybody needs it then.” The therapist said people think, “but I’ve only been married a year!” and don’t go to counseling right away – in his estimation they wait three years longer than they should.
We had some big issues come up in our first year of marriage and definitely needed the counseling sessions one year in. We’ve gone back several times for sessions here and there in the years since.
I’ve been pretty open about the times we’ve gone to counseling, and I think friends who don’t know me *that* well must think I have a rough marriage. But my close friends know that we have a great marriage, even though we had a really rough first year and some big issues since then, and that it’s *because* we don’t hesitate to go to counseling and tell people we need support.
So good for you jumping on these problems right away. As far as how to make it successful – we auditioned three therapists before finding someone we got along with/respect. We don’t necessarily *like* him because he is very challenging and exposes a lot of our faults, and it’s hard to like someone who does that, but it hurts so good :-)
I’ve been married less than a year and I’d be lying if I said we hadn’t had some major fights! I see a therapist on my own anyways and that’s been a huge help in helping me to communicate and also to gain some perspective on my own actions/way of handling things. If you’re both committed to marriage counseling, I think it could be a great tool for yoU!
Thank you all who have commented on the marriage counseling. Along the same lines, did you go through your health insurance to find someone, or did you go somewhere and just pay out of pocket? I have just been looking on Yelp to find people. Haven’t made any appointments yet and haven’t tried looking through health insurance.
Not for marriage counseling but for a general therapist, I was referred to someone and then, to my pleasant surprise, realized she took my insurance. I think a lot of places take insurance, so you might check.
And good luck. I’m sure this is a little scary, but I know counseling helped me. I hope it will do the same for your marriage. :)
The first year of marriage + the first year of Biglaw is an absolutely brutal combination. Like others, I think its great that you’re proactively going to counseling because you’re fighting a lot and I don’t think you should feel like you are failing or there is something wrong with you. I think almost everyone could benefit from counseling or therapy at some point. I hope it helps and things improve for you (and although others may disagree – I think things will likely get better for him work-wise after the first year).
So sorry you have to go through this. I think therapy is great for all sorts of things (if you can afford it)–so kudos to you for doing it. You’re taking proactive steps to work on your relationship–think of it as a preemptive strike (the good kind)!
All this talk about how rough the first year of marriage is makes me wonder if I”m crazy to think that I will have a child as soon as my boyfriend and I get married–I’m 34 and have some fertility concerns. It may not really be an option to wait, but for those who have had children right away, do you think it’s a terrible idea and/or have any thoughts on how to make it easier on the relationship?
No kids, but I’d read 1,001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married, at least the section on raising kids. It helped DH and I get on the same page about a lot of issues– or at least know what we were getting into :)
Plus don’t forget even if you get pregnant on your honeymoon, you still get 9 months to enjoy each other’s company as married and childless.
That’s assuming you have an uneventful pregnancy. I got pregnant during our first year of marriage, and much of my first trimester was spent dealing with moderate morning sickness, and the third trimester was spent dealing with severe and painful PSD. The middle trimester was fine, though.
Google “PSD pregnancy” — too lengthy to explain here.
The fact that hubby wants to go with you is a great sign. In many troubled relationships, one partner refuses to go to counseling. You’ll work through it.
We started marriage counseling in year two. It helped. You’re not alone, you’re not a failure, and you’re brave to be trying to remedy the situation in a meaningful way.
Not married yet, but we have been going to pre-commitment counseling for the last 1.5 years. Overall, I think it has been totally worth it and helpful. Initially, we just wanted to have an objective outside perspective to help us think/talk through things we may not have considered (like, we had had the “do we want kids” talk, but not thought about how important having biological children was, or how far we’d pursue fertility treatments, or even when we wanted to start trying, what kind of lifestyle we want to have, goals/dreams, etc). This past year has actually been super hard, between both taking/passing the bar, starting our “adult” full time jobs (lawyers), dealing with the fallout from a serious car accident (health issues, insurance, lawsuit, etc), planning a wedding, and dealing with family issues.
The biggest thing our counselor has helped with is communication skills based on our styles and instincts. He usually has us pick an issue and we basically walk through how we would ideally discuss it without it breaking down into an argument. He is also helping us with skills on how to head off an argument, etc. I highly recommend pursuing some sort of counseling, and I think it’s great that you are both on the same page. Hang in there!
Just want to comment that as you go through this, it’s important to remember that you are not alone and you are not a failure if your marriage fails. I was deeply depressed when my marriage went south 1.5 years in (we wound up making each other miserable for another year after that, when we might have been able to part as friends if we’d done so sooner) because I felt like as a type A, super successful woman it would be humiliating and awful to admit we’d made a mistake. I couldn’t believe that I was going to wind up divorced. I was incredibly worried about what everyone else would think and at the end of the day, when the ‘worst’ happened, my friends are still my friends and my family still loves me and it sucks, but it…wound up okay?
Obviously, I hope that marriage counseling works for you (my Ex was Not Interested), but thought it might be helpful to remind you that no matter what, you’re still you.
Got married in our early 20s, now coming up on 12 years. There have been rough patches lots of times—both of us in high-stress fields, long-distance, job changes, kids being born and parents dying. And fighting, to be honest. Sometimes about big stuff, sometimes about small stuff. We’ve done counseling twice for some really big issues, and I’ve also done individual. It’s been worth it!
We are both still growing and changing, and it’s inevitable that friction points will come up, whether it’s your first year being married or your tenth. For me, even though there are times that we drive each other batty, at the end of it all we’re still “in it to win it.” Sounds like you guys are, too.
A quick note about the counseling–as another poster mentioned, ours brought up some tough stuff. Sometimes we needed some space afterward (like a trip to the gym or just separate rooms for a few hours). Don’t be scared if you don’t feel like wine and roses immediately after the session. It will be worth it!
Our counselor taught us HOW TO FIGHT. And it was the best thing we ever did. We got married in 1999 and had a baby and the counseling was in the first few years. We haven’t had a major fight in over ten years. Arguments, yes. Blow outs where we yell and are going to get divorced and call names? no.
Got married 5 months ago. We fight like crazy. Almost every day.
And since I don’t usually feel like having garden parties on nights when I’m still upset about a fight we had, he gets sad that we aren’t having as much intimacy as he’d like.
We thought wedding planning was bad – wait till you get married. Sheesh.
I appreciate all the comments on here. I asked another one of my friends who got married last summer, and she said she fought like crazy with her new husband too. They had been together 8 years before they got married.
It’s hard, and every marriage is like this. Marriage is hard work.
I posted on this site a few months ago that he hung his towel wrong in the bathroom, and that I felt like I needed to “nip that in the bud” so that he wouldn’t continue that behavior for the rest of our lives. I felt like a lot of behaviors were that important, so I became really nit-picky with him. Honestly, we just needed a lot of time to get used to each other.
I took some suggestions from previous threads, and ordered some books about how to be married. Marriage doesn’t come with an instruction manual. We ordered “For Men Only” and “For Women Only.” They are written from a Christian perspective, and neither DH or I are religious, but we ignored the Biblical passages and treated them as basically instruction manuals for the other gender. They are incredible! I highly recommend them. We each read the one about our own gender first, and made notes about what applied to us individually. (“I don’t think you do this.”, “I don’t always feel this way. Sometimes I feel —.”) Those books were incredibly helpful.
I also ordered Project Happily Ever After and read that through. It’s the story of a really awful marriage and how it turned around. It was very inspiring, and made me think about how I communicate with my husband.
Working on your marriage isn’t easy either. Reading and processing these books led to a lot of tears on my end. But it’s worth it. Each day spent with my husband brings us closer. (And now I know that I don’t like having a garden party while we are still in the middle of a fight, but I sure do like it after we have resolved things and made up. I feel like we are a team! Go Team Marriage! So we are doing ok in that department too.)
So…at the risk of outing myself to others who may know me on here…re: the LGP: definitely, it’s hard to feel like having them when there are other negative feelings from the day, but don’t stop having them. A friend (who has been a marriage and family therapist for longer than I’ve been alive!) gave me that advice. She noted several things—once you start “gardening,” you may get more into it; that gardening begets more gardening, and that hormones (specifically oxytocin) are released during gardening that increase pair-bonding, as well as giving us feelings that “it’s all going to be alright.”
YMMV, but so far, she has been very, very right.
I’m turning 30 this weekend!! For those of you who are already in your 30’s or older, do you have any advice or things you wished you had known at this age?
I was pretty anxious about this milestone a few months ago, but now I’m more okay with it. My life is in a really good place in some respects — I have a great job/career, I’m financially secure, I rent an apartment that I love, I have plenty of wonderful friends/family close by, and I thankfully have no health issues (and am actually in the best shape of my life). Generally I feel very lucky and am happy with my life. But I’m also not where I thought I would be at this age in other areas. I’ve always wanted to get married and have children, and thought I would be at least married by now, but I am currently single. How did you all deal with reaching your 30’s and not being quite where you wanted to be, whatever that meant for you?
I stupidly got married at 31 just because I was ready to get married. Ended up married to the wrong guy. Be picky. Don’t settle just because you thought you’d be married by now. A friend of mine was in her late 30s and really wanted a family. She ended up getting married and having her daugher at 41, I think. She’s very happily married and her daughter is beautiful and smart and fun at 5. So don’t feel like it’s the end of the world if you aren’t married at 30. You’ll be fine! By the way, my 30s were better than my 20s but my 40s are soooo much better than my 30s. So much happier and more confident in myself.
I have heard from a number of my former coworkers that 40s > 30s > 20s. :)
NOLA, you always sound so poised and collected that I can’t imagine you marrying the wrong guy, ever. I mean this as a compliment and as my new mantra: “If NOLA can make a mistake then so can anybody else, including me, without needing to resign from the Society of Reasonable Human Beings!”
and +1 to each decade being better than the one before. One exception: by one’s 50s one really needs to practice good health habits. Says Silvercurls, eating homemade banana bread.
You are so sweet. I’ve come a long way since my divorce! I’ve learned so much about myself and have become the confident, independent woman I always should have been. My SO says I’m like a completely different person from the woman he “met” 7 years ago (although we had known each other since I was 25). I guess all I can do is pass along the wisdom I’ve gathered from years of mistakes with men.
+1000
Happy birthday! Don’t stress! Somewhere around 30 (I’m now 33), I sort of hit my groove. I felt a lot more comfortable with myself so was willing to take more risks than before (e.g., I was more willing to risk looking a little foolish to try something new), a lot less anxious about what other people thought, and I invested in myself more (like, going to the gym to be healthy not just skinny, or saying no to things that I just didn’t want to do). End result: I’m happier, healthier, and generally more confident. My 30s are turning out to be much better than my 20s.
I agree with NOLA, take your time don’t settle. I married my HS sweetheart and was a divorced single MOM by 25. Enjoy where you are now, make the most of the opportunities that present themselves, put yourself out there, take new risks, travel, be bold!
I don’t have any profound thoughts, but I’d say this: at 30, you are still young! You are hot! Wear the sequin mini skirt, the s*xy shoes, whatever makes you happy. Enjoy this decade – it’s a great combination of youth and confidence.
Forgive/be kind to yourself.
Learn from your mistakes but do not let them define you.
Even though there are a lot of things I wish I had done differently, I have to accept that they happened, but also were a part of leading me to where I am today (which though not perfect is a pretty darn good place to be).
I just turned 29 and am feeling exactly like you are – everything’s great and I’m happy, but being single and not married with children wasn’t what I was expecting either.
After coming out of a horrible relationship last year (I tried to make it work even though it was not working) – I’ve learned to take my time. If it’s going to be a partner for the rest of my life, better to be picky and selective right now! For now, cherish the things you can do as a successful single gal :)
Fun! Some thoughts (I’m just turning 40):
– It’s not too late to reinvent yourself or make a career change if you’re not happy with where you’re at. Your early 30s might be the “last chance” to go back to school & still come out ahead debt/total time in career-wise. Sounds like you’re doing great, but just something to think about.
– It’s a good time in your life to figure out exactly what you want and to start blocking out the voices of other people who aren’t going to be the ones living your life.
– Date different kinds of people, get to know yourself.
– & I totally agree with the poster who commented you’re hot, you’re still young & do all the things that you feel a little too old for if you want to.
Happy birthday!
Turning 30 was great for me. My life fell apart in my late 20’s – severe depression, boyfriend who I thought would be permanent was cheating, lost my job, and quit my arts career. I was so happy to be done with my 20’s that by age 29 1/2, I would tell anyone who asked my age “I’m almost 30.”
But at age 30 I met my husband, started my post-arts career, and settled into who I really am. Now at 43, I’m feeling like everything really took off at age 30. Hubs and I don’t have kids, don’t want kids, but we know lots of people who didn’t start families until 35-40. Your life is just beginning.
Advice:
– You’re old enough to have made a few mistakes, so learn from them without judging yourself for them. You made the best decisions you could at the time, but now you know better.
– You know what’s you and what isn’t by now, so if you really don’t want to do something, give yourself permission to opt out. And if you really want to do something, do it! If you’re on the fence, try it once and decide.
I like this dress. I have a non-wrap DVF dress that is the best dress I own (non-work dress). The only thing giving me pause is the S/M/L sizing. My other one is normal dress sizing.
Oh! They have versions with sleeves, too: http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/diane-von-furstenberg-bentley-ruched-minidress/3553291
Looks shorter on the model but the description actually says it is longer?
My daughter is going away to college and I commuted so I have no clue what is retail hype and what is actually useful from all the “MUST HAVE” lists. What were some of the best things you brought to your dorm room for UG?
TYIA!
A towel wrap, the kind with straps that velcros closed (like this design, but less, you know, pink and frilly: http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/product.asp?SKU=3241005)–nice for the communal bathrooms in dorms.
And a GIANT sturdy nylon laundry bag (I could have hid a body in that thing) with back-pack like straps. I got several pretty, monogrammed laundry bags for highschool graduation. They were not useful because they were hard to carry up and down the multiple stairs to the laundry room when they were full and heavy. The other laundry bag wasn’t pretty, but it was super durable and practical.
Also, if her dorm isn’t air conditioned-lots of fans. Lots and lots of fans. Most of the freshmen dorms at my school weren’t air conditioned (and I went to school in the south–it was pretty unbearable until mid september), but people brought maybe 1 fan. All the big box retail stores anywhere close to campus were sold out by the end of the first day of orientation. I think my roommate and I eventually acquired 7 fans between us, but it was a hot week waiting for everyone to restock.
Ugh I had the opposite problem – a way too effective A/C and suite mate who pretty much tried to freeze me death and refused to compromise. I eventually figured out how to take the cover off the console and bend the little mercury thermometer so it wouldn’t turn on.
The towel wrap IS the best thing ever!
Usefulness of a towel wrap really depends on the bathroom setup. If she’ll be in a suite or the room has a private bath, then I don’t think they’re necessary.
As for a towel wrap or bathrobe, I think they are generally useful. Unless she is in a single with a private shower and changes immediately, I find them useful. (Even then, what if someone knocks on the door or the fire alarm goes off while in/just out of the shower? The fire alarm thing happened to a girl on my floor freshman year during a snowstorm. She was nervous and went outside in her towel and shower shoes. Our RA told us that, if this ever happens again, go get clothes.)
That happened to me during my freshman year (not in a snowstorm but I was beginning to think weight know each other!). I was showering in the evening and the fire alarm went off. There was another girl showering as well and we both froze for a minute trying to figure out what to do. When we got to the hallway, our RA (another woman!) told us we couldn’t go grab clothes so we had to leave the building and walk over to the hundreds of other students who had already evacuated in our towels. It’s honestly the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me! To top it off, when we got back to the building, we had to wait forever for the elevator and nobody was willing to let us cut in line and somehow didn’t realize that we wouldn’t want to take the stairs with everyone else.
Best things I brought (though some of these may be school dependent) –
– Spa wrap towel (with the velcro) – I’m not a robe person but it was WAY easier to deal with the walk to/from the bathroom (remember, you’re also carrying a showed caddy) when I was confident my towel wasn’t going to randomly fall off
– Bed risers, since dorms are pretty low on storage space
– Mini fridge to keep yogurts, bananas (well, and beer) in when I didn’t feel like trekking out for food
– Little card wallet (I think Vera Bradley makes one called the Campus Double ID) where I could throw in my ID card, some cash and attach my room key and toss it into a bag along with my schoolbooks
– Power strips. Lots and lots, since there were never enough outlets in any dorm I stayed in
Things that I really did not end up using at all/enough to justify their purchase
– Printer — I just printed everything at the library, pretty much.
– Safe – my mom bought me this in an abundance of caution. I don’t think I ever used it.
– TV — occasionally used it to watch movies with friends but mostly watched stuff on my laptop.
Check before you buy something big, like a mini fridge. My undergrad allowed us to have them, but we all had to rent from the same company.
IMO extra-long sheets are a “don’t believe the hype” item. Regular twin sheets worked just fine for me.
Food items that lasted for a long time (popcorn, Ramen, etc.) were life savers when the dining hall was closed.
If you really want to splurge, I would strongly suggest a memory foam mattress pad. My school provided mattresses were unbelievably thin.
In contrast at my school, regular twin sheets did not fit (maybe if they had some stretch). But you can get Twin XL sheets at Target for pretty cheap so don’t fall for the marketing copy the school sends out that “You have to buy these sheets from this company, they’re they only ones that fit our beds!”
+1
I also got mine at Target; Reasonably priced and decent variety.
And a rug if there’s no carpet. Waking up and getting that shock immediately is not pleasant.
+1 to memory foam mattress pad. My bed was 5000 times more comfortable with it.
Definitely agree about the mattress pad, and maybe a variety of cushions and pillows since the bed will probably also serve as a couch when visitors come, or a reading spot, etc.
Regarding a fridge or similar, I absolutely am glad that I bought mine. Years later and I’m still using it regularly. For items like that, a microwave, a tv, etc., if she has roommates, make sure they talk and split up who gets what. Out of those, I’d suggest the fridge as the most useful over time. (Microwaves that you can get cheap enough aren’t as worth it later on. The tv you get for a dorm is small, so when you are anywhere outside of a bedroom, it looks laughably small (or maybe I am just cheap – mine is only about the size of most desktop screens). I ended up having to buy all three my freshmen year, because my roommates were jerks. I’ve used them, but the fridge has certainly been the best and most useful.
As to sheets, my undergrad’s mattresses were definitely too long for regular sheets. Considering you can get them relatively cheaply with minimal shopping around (WalMart and Target used to have them for low prices), I’d buy the sheets. Also, having sheets come off of a bed (especially a college mattress that MANY have previously slept on) is uncomfortable and frustrating (and gross given what has happened on the mattress). For the question of who slept on it before and comfort, I also highly recommend mattress toppers – get one or two (depending on price, but the ridged ones tend to be comfier and two makes it a luxurious bed). I know many friends who used these in apartments following school as well.
Don’t forget duct tape and a screwdriver.
I second the extension cords. Make sure that they are the good ones and not the ones that are against most schools’ rules.
I agree that you can get many things online now, so I think it depends on the person and school. I personally love watching sports and football, which are pricier or impossible to get online. If there are common rooms in her dorm that she’ll be able to go to regularly (and with a tv), that would probably work. However, I’d say almost everyone I know had a tv. If you are unsure, hope one of her roommates will or that she can go to a common room/friend’s room – maybe wait a few weeks into the semester and see.
You will learn that you bring too much every year. However, I think it’s a lot better to bring too much than forget something. Be ready for her to overpack and then send things back with you (if you are driving there and back… otherwise, you have to plan more).
Mirrors is something I know some schools don’t always provide (for us, it depended on your room even though supposedly every room had them).
A very strong laundry bag or basket – I had mine (clean laundry in it) break on the stairs once. You don’t want that. Plenty of laundry supplies (and quarters if not on the school card).
Stamps and envelopes. You don’t need many, but when you don’t have them and need them, it’s miserable. Plus, some schools will sell them on campus expecting this and it is way overpriced.
Some snack food and utensils – even if there is a dining hall. You’ll want breakfast food for when you get up before the dining hall opens. You’ll want utensils and dishes for that as well as when you bring food back from the dining hall.
Shower shoes and bucket are definitely important. There are some gross showers. Along with that, a bunch of towels and facecloths and loofas (or whatever she prefers) and a bathrobe. Some people feel fine in a towel, but I preferred the robe (especially walking between the showers and your room and then realizing there are lots of people in your tiny room so you can’t change for a while/go into the bathroom to change). Along those lines, check out the privacy situation in her room. I know we had amoires and used the doors to create privacy to change, but others didn’t have that.
Buckets. I love the bucket. I’m talking about the ones that go up to your knee and are a little wider than your shoulders. You can store stuff in them (food, books, etc.) and it makes moving a LOT easier (just don’t buy too big and overstuff them). They are always resusable. Plus, they have covers and fade into the background, so are convenient storage.
Lights. This depends on the room, but at least a desk lamp so that she can work after her roommates go to bed.
Alarm clock – beyond being good and always going off (unlike my phone alarm), it’s a good, quiet clock for the room.
Tissues. Paper towels. You’d be surprised how many people forget these and then desperately (such as when we discovered in April or May my roommates now fermented apple cider from late September which she decided to open to see if it was alcoholic… and then it frothed everywhere) need them.
Hooks. Stuff to hang pictures up with (if she wants to) – sticky tac.
Vacuum. This was desperately lacking in most people’s rooms and it was gross.
I’d also suggest some sort of all purpose cleaner. Sometimes something is really gross, you have to use it, and nobody else will clean it.
A queen or king size comforter. I bought mine large and still use it – it fits every bed. On the twin extra long, it was actually long enough. I folded it in half and was much more comfortable (whether sitting on it as a couch or sleeping under it).
I could go on and on, sorry. Even though I put a bunch of stuff here, remember that she can buy things as she needs them (especially if she or a roommate or friend has a car) – worst case, you can order online. A lot of it depends on the individual and the school. I know I bought a few extra things, but I was glad to have them – others may not be. I also ended up using everything. However, I also had to buy everything myself, so that may have made them more valuable to me and made me think to use them. As Cat said below, remember that a lot of these things can be used down the road. Honestly, much of what I use today I got during college (I’m not far out, granted). For instance, I have a set of tall plastic drawers that I bought before freshman year for pads, medical supplies, underwear, school supplies, etc. and I still use it (though the purposes have changed). I put it under my (tall) bed so nothing was embarrassingly in the open but it was all accessible in under thirty seconds.
and a heating pad and ice pack! I use a heating pad all the time, but even for those who do not, when you need one, you NEED it. (Also, I came down with a pretty nasty illness during exams and the night before my first exam could not breathe. Honestly the only reason I made it through the night is using my heating pad so I could breathe, falling asleep, and then waking up when the automatic shutoff happened and I couldn’t breathe again. (I ended up in the hospital and delaying my exam the next day.) Extreme example, but it’s worth it.) Alone with that, a first aid kit including bandaids and neosporin.
Again, sorry for the ridiculously long reply. I started thinking about it too much!
Those multi-pant/skirt hangers – great for limited closet space.
Layers of bedding (e.g., sheet, light blanket, heavy blanket, down comforter) – b/c I couldn’t control my thermostat and my dorm didn’t have A/C.
Makeup mirror to limit time in the bathroom (N/A if she’ll have a sink & mirror in her room).
Extension cords.
Large poster of something hometown is known for (also helps avoid having the same French cafe posters as every other girl on your hall by the end of the year).
Those stupid Command hooks did NOT work on my walls at all, probably b/c of the glossy paint. Over-the-door hooks / towel bar worked well.
A stick-style vacuum (not a dustbuster, more of a slim upright vacuum that fits behind doors — I’m a neat freak and actually asked for this – was very glad to have it).
Remember that you can always buy more as your daughter settles in and sees what storage issues she has — I’m jealous that Amazon prime and similar weren’t around when I was in school!
Some must-haves can’t be helped (like needing a shower caddy & shoes) but try to pick items that can be used for something else down the road. Ex, my old shower caddy now holds bathroom cleaning supplies in my linen closet, and my shower flip flops were Jcrew so that I’d also wear them around summers at home. I actually just asked my parents if they still had my mini-fridge so that I could have it in my office at work (alas, no). My mom also had a good idea to use old-school photo storage boxes in solid colors for storage of things like tampons, medicine, etc. in plain view/easily accessible, but not in your face, and a few of them have survived and are still used for the same thing.
Most kids that had the BBB style “freshman dorm” lights that clip on places, super bright bedding and coordinating room accessories, etc. were redecorating before or during their sophomore year in apartments/sororities.
Find out from the school what size the beds are – I think short sheets on an extra long twin bed are awful – nothing worse than waking up to a short-sheeted bed. Lands End has good ones on clearance often.
I second/third the idea of getting repurposable things like shower caddies (useful under sinks in later homes), photo boxes or similar (from Storables or the Container Store) to corral small items.
Pre-plan with room-mates. My son brought a TV (with a buit-in DVD player), and second roommate brought the fridge and third (yes – a triple!) brought the microwave. They did use the TV for movie nights. Second year he had to buy a fridge, but it’s ok: We’re using my son’s dorm fridge now that he and his sister are home for the summer – great for holding beverages.
I wouldn’t buy a vacuum – many dorms have them to check out and space was so tight at daughter and son’s (different) schools so there may not be a place to store it.
Ear plugs or noise-cancelling headphones plus a sleep mask, Son even used a sleep mask as his roommate was up all hours talking to himself in Mandarin (but swearing in English).
Lamp – check. Fan – check. Lots of pillows – check.
I would suggest not buying the dorm “packages” – very cheap quality. Ditto on BBB – some of it’s good, some cr@p. Target has a lot that is cheaper and Lands End is good for comforters, sheets, towels. Most of the mattresses are crummy, so the mattress pad is a good idea.
Some of the organizing stuff (rubbermade containers, under-bed storage) can’t be purchased until you get there and can measure. Daughter’s dorm had huge open storage shelves above the closets, and clear containers worked well to hold out-of-season clothing, sports equipment, etc., but don’t buy ahead of time.
BBB does have a good service where you order at your local store (hangers, pillows, lamps) and they have it waiting for you at the BBB that is near school so you just pick it up – no shipping costs. This worked well when daughter was at school on the east coast with home on the west coast. (I didn’t read closely enough to know if you’re local to her school or not.) Just remember though that if you are travelling, you’ll have to pack it up and store it over the summer or ship it home, both of which are expensive and time-consuming.
Good luck!
Regarding the vacuum: my school supposedly had them that you could check out, but nobody could figure out how (including the RAs). If there is a vacuum in the room, things might actually get vacuumed. If there is more effort than that to find the vacuum, there is a good chance nothing will be vacuumed all semester. I would say this is something to find out more about and then order if needed.
It’s been awhile since I went to college, but a few things I had then and I’d want to take again:
1. Shower basket to carry everything to the shower and back to my room.
2. Storage containers that fit under my bed for off-season clothing.
3. Small fridge because I’m a picky eater and the cafeteria was terrible.
4. Bathrobe.
5. Durable, but cute, duvet because my bed was also my couch.
6. Enough socks and underwear to last two weeks.
Oh man. You can buy WAY less then you think you’ll need, but I was grateful for:
decent sheets and a comfy mattress topper.
a decent desk chair (the one the school had was AWFUL, got a cheap chair from target and was so glad)
a shower caddy with holes and a handle
3m hooks
slippers.
One thing I wish I had, was a nice-ish laundry bin. I had those cheap mesh pop-up ones and dragging those all over campus meant holes. Holes meant clothes lost.
A fan, but also some super warm blankets (heating in my dorm was hit/miss), a drying rack, a little tote for carrying things to/from the showers (I actually had 2, one for shower things, one for sink things), I second the non-perishable food stash. Over the door hooks, closet organizers, extra mirror (see if they have a full-length one in her room, if not, running to the bathroom for outfit checks is a pain, so get her one). Also, good pillows, and possibly ear plugs. Sleep can be hard in a dorm if you’re used to a quieter home.
I actually baked a ton for my (mixed gender) floor in our tiny kitchenettes, so if she has space, a single set of dishes/utensils, a pot for pasta, a frying pan, and a baking dish of some sort (I had an 8×8 square pyrex that was good enough to make brownies/cookies).
I also loved my home-y touches, frames of photos with friends (and a few extra plain ones for new friends!), a nice rug and duvet cover, a little plant.
Yes on the set of utensils. I had a brief stint in residence during an exchange semester, and while there was a kitchenette on my floor it was so disgusting that I would never have used the utensils that lived there – only my own. If your daughter likes to cook or bake, this is important.
We just had a microwave and sink on our floor, but I got a ton of use out of a bowl, mug, and set of utensils. Although now that I think about it, I may have swiped the utensils from the dining hall. Anyway, they were very useful for my easy mac or ramen days.
Everyone else has mentioned everything I had. If she will have a roommate, see if they can chat ahead of time so they don’t end up with 2 rugs or tvs or anything else they can’t easily store. I also suggest not buying a ton of stuff ahead of time, but be prepared that Target will be a madhouse on move in day.
Thanks, This is so helpful!
I am also getting ready to send my daughter off to college and all advice is so, so helpful!
(of course, my daughter already knows everything and does not need my help with preparation and packing…)
Shall we remember what we took to college back in the day? typewriter, Walkman cassette player, calling card . . .
Popcorn popper! (Oh gawd, I am so old!) And I knew my parent’s calling card number, so calls home were charged back to them.
calling card, all of my friends addresses in a book so we could all write each other letters, diskman, CDs, a dictionary . . .
Things I was glad I had:
– many, many 3M hooks
– electric kettle
– 1 nice water glass, real (not plastic) plate/bowl/mug
– my mom was really great and helped me put together small plastic boxes (like the Rubbermaid style that are shoe-box size and larger, up to maybe 18x24in) full of various supplies. For instance, I had an “office” box where I kept post-its, stapler, highlighters…; a “laundry” box with detergent, a bleach pen, stain remover, delicates bag; a “medicine” box with antihistamine, ibuprofen, vitamins, cold medicine, a “kitchen” box that held my one set of dishware and a dishrag, and a small plastic drawer set that held makeup and jewelry.
These set-ups worked so well that 8 years after I started college, I’m still using the same boxes in many of the same ways. This makes it easy to move in and out because you just stick the lid on the box (or tape the drawers shut on the drawer set) and move – no further packing required. I think I moved 8 or 9 times in college so this was a huge time saver.
Yesss to the electric kettle!
See if it is allowed first, though!
Also, regarding kitchenettes and cooking/baking supplies – I highly recommend waiting a few weeks for this purchase. I LOVE cooking and baking, but my dorm had one tiny, gross kitchen for the entire building that nobody used and I certainly would not use. I could cook and bake at friends’ apartments, but then I used their pans (and gave them food!).
Yes to the first aid kit! We bought one that is already put together, but it’s nice to have all your medicine together.
yes to the first aid kit! the only thing with the electric kettle is some dorms are super picky about what type of “heating” things they will let you have. mine specifically said no electric kettles, even ones with automatic shut offs. but my sister’s dorm lets her have one, and after I got her one for christmas one year, she said it was the most useful appliance!
I think I hid mine during room inspections. #worthit
Yup. I really wanted to be able to make tea in my room.
My roommate also had a microwave, which was pretty nice for days when we couldn’t make it to the dining hall.
Other than that, I’ll fourth? fifth? the storage boxes. I had three Rubbermaids that went under my bed, and then a couple more for the closet. They were incredibly useful for staying organized.
I had a toaster that I hid in a drawer (unplugged and cleaned). I REALLY felt that I needed a toaster, and did use it. Now I find this really funny because I maybe use our toaster once a month (probably more like once every three months) and it lives in our pantry.
My daughter was a freshman last year and, yes, there is a lot of hype. Best purchase we made was a waterproof, pillow-top matress pad in Twin XL. It was around $50 on Overstock.com – a little pricey, but very comfortable as dorm matresses are hit or miss (and don’t even think about what happened on it before your daughter got there…ewwwww!). The other items my daughter used frequently: a drying rack (dorm dryers shrink the heck out of clothes, so she ended up hanging a lot), a back up drive for her computer , and finally, we didn’t bring it, but my daughter swears to renting her textbooks. She used Chegg, but there are other services. Easy as pie!
And, as psycho as teenage girls can be at times, you will truly miss her. Make sure someone lends you a shoulder to sob just a little. Good luck! :)
– a good comforter– my mom got me one from Ikea that is still used when I go to my parent’s house
-good pillows
– desk lamp? I STILL use the one my mom got me for college 12 years ago.
– photos from home?
– powerstrip
optional:
– trashcan
– rice cooker(?) my mom insisted… and it was great for boiling noodles and I continued to use it after college, but it wasn’t “necessary”
– Definitely a mattress topper.
– I also loved having a plant just to be able to have something else living
– I am cold all of the time, so an electric blanket really helped when they decided to turn the heat off over winter break and forgot to turn it back on…
– A floor lamp/other lamp – I had 3 non-provided lamps in my room because the overhead lighting was flourescent and horrendous
– Light-up makeup mirror (for the same reason above)
– Under-bed boxes for storage
Also speakers! Don’t need to be fancy but anything was better than laptop speakers (at least in my day)
Or noise-cancelling headphones if people are having a party while she’s trying to study.
And depending on whether her school has the card laundry or the quarter laundry, TONS of quarters or money on the laundry card, detergent and drier sheets!
Over the door towel racks, a closet bar extension that adds a second row for hanging, over the door shoe hanger. My closet was so tiny.
The best thing for me at college was splurging on bedding. You spend so much time in your bed in college, and it can be a source of comfort to curl up for a friday afternoon nap, so it might as well be really cozy. Get:
– a nice mattress topper (not the crappy ones sold in the dorm section at bed, bath, and beyond)
-a waterproof mattress pad (because it’s college)
-egyptian cotton sheets (our dorms did need the twin XL)
-Comforter with duvet cover so she can just wash the duvet instead of the entire thing (if you buy her nice bedding instead of bed in a bag it can last all of college)
-new pillows, and maybe some throw pillows since bed=couch in college
-Plastic bins for storage under her bed
-2 plates/bowls/cups/set of silverwear so she can eat in her room if necessary (and dish soap)
-Febreeze!
-Tide Pods so she doesn’t have to lug a heavy thing of detergent around in the dorm
-Nice towels. I got some Ralph Lauren ones on sale and I have them 8 yrs later.
And remember you can always buy anything you really need once you move her in.
It’s been said but I can absolutely vouch for the bed thing. In a dorm, about 90% of the time you’re in your room you’ll be either sleeping or sitting in your bed. IMO this is where you should throw most of the money: really nice mattress topper (twin is fine), good pillows, nice sheets and comforter. Though in the same vein I would not suggest white anything – I’m super neat and insisted that I could keep it clean, but it got pretty dingy just from dirty feet on the top of the covers and such.
I did not go to school in the Pacific Northwest, but somehow it rained almost every single day of my first semester of college. I was greatful for a good rainjacket and a compact umbrella. No one really wore rainboots then, but I would definitely invest in a pair now! You do a lot of walking around outside in college (although I am sure this depends some on the school) and it’s nice to be prepared for the weather!
I haven’t read through all the responses yet, so I apologize for any repeats. These are the things I remember most using/loving during college:
-bed risers: tripled available storage
-mini fridge (though check with the school re: brands or companies). My parents got me mine at lowes for something ridiculous like $50 and 8+ (ahem) years and several moves later, it is still going strong! We use it in the garage for holding adult beverages now :)
-layered comfy bedding
-two sets of sheets!
-desk lamp, or maybe a floor lamp
-powerstrips
-drawer-liner paper for any dressers/built in drawers
-a set of basic tools: hammer, screwdriver (maybe one with both philips and flathead), pliers, and maybe a wrench. My dad made me a little tool kit and I used it a lot.
-along those lines, maybe a tiny sewing kit (depending on how far away she is from home). good for fixing a hem or missing button.
Shower caddy, bathrobe, set of cheap but serviceable microwavable dishes. Mine were a set of four (plate, bowl, mug) from Ross. Super useful for heating snacks in the hall microwave, making ramen, etc. I also loved my mini-fridge, if she has room.
Tool kit! Mine was awesome and i still use it to this day.
Generally, i would err on the side of very little. You can always buy stuff after you see the space and after she’s had a week or two to figure out what she really needs. Most freshmen bring WAY too much stuff and its very hard to live in such a cramped space with superfluous crap everywhere.
My biggest things were
– futon (which admittedly I freebinned at the end of my first year- some seniors moving out left it behind. So much nicer than sitting on my bed all day when I didn’t want to sit in a desk chair. Other friends found those egg chairs from Ikea so they were a little sturdier than the mall alternative.
-lamps- fluorescent lights are the worst, plus there are always roommates who want to sleep at different times and small lamps (especially with a shade) have softer, more direct light
-a drill and hammer, curtains etc. are so much easier to install
-comfy pillows, especially if you don’t get a chair or futon- the ones that have arms and pockets (my mom called it a husband pillow when I was little, now I hear them called boyfriend pillows- there needs to be a better name) are awesome as are body pillows.
– extra power strips are a bonus as are dishes
Honestly, I thought fridges were overrated- we had one my first year and my junior year. They only encouraged me to keep food in the room it was a problem, same goes for a microwave.
Most fruit doesn’t need to be refrigerated (particularly if it’s from the dining halls where you really only have a 24-36 hour window to eat it before it goes bad anyways. I suppose keeping beer cold is a benefit- but you could easily leave it on the windowsill in New England and be fine, I would imagine it’s the same across the whole northern half of the country.
-It’s not supplies but a gift card to a pizza or other delivery place lets her find a bunch of people on her floor etc. and say let’s get delivery and hang out– my friends and I did that about 2 weeks in our first year and it was awesome, we weren’t pressured with orientation games and things were a little more natural.
Mousetraps! Someone gave me one as a going-to-college pyouresent and I laughed, but it was necessary. Dorms are full of dirty food etc even if you yourself are good about cleaning up. You can always go buy traps but it is convenient to have them on hand. In our case the school used glue traps only, so then you had to deal with a live, struggling mouse.
Silverware, and some plastic plates, cups etc. There is nothing worse than buying a gallon of ice cream to eat with your friends and having to eat it with plastic spoons. I also loved my brita filter because the water in the city where I went to college tasted terrible.
Plastic under bed storage bins were also essential for my many dorm rooms. Dorm rooms often have extremely tiny closets [or in the case of my freshman dorm, a cut out in the wall with a rod in it] and if you are like me and like clothes and shoes you won’t have enough room to store all of the clothes. Also check to see if the room has a bookshelf in it. One of my rooms didn’t have anything so I ended up buying a bookshelf in lieu of storing all of my books in stacks on the floor [the approach my roommate took].
Ha! Good call on the bookshelf. They sell those that fold up now. Handy.
I used those “cubes” that you could assemble, made of metal shelving and brackets. I moved them between dorms for several years. Eventually I ended up packing my books in boxes, and then using the boxes as “shelves” in my new room to store folded clothing like sweaters. You turn the boxes on their side, agains the wall, open end toward you, and stack a couple on top of each other. Voila, shelves/cubes for clothing.
If she has the option to loft her bed, DO IT. It basically doubles your room size and keeps your bed from being the gross college couch that everyone sits on. We both lofted ours and put a futon under one side and bookshelves, TV, fridge, and microwave under the other.
I strongly second waiting to buy organizational stuff until you can measure the room and see the exact setup. You may buy a ton of plastic drawer chests only to find there is ample built-in shelving and/or nowhere to put the plastic ones without tripping over them.
I had a fridge with a real freezer section (most mini fridges have a tiny “freezer shelf” that doesn’t actually freeze) and it was invaluable. Even when I moved into a suite unit with full kitchen the next year, I used it in my little room. Great for bottled water, ice cream, milk for cereal or oatmeal, and leftovers from those nights when you just can’t stand the thought of dining hall food and order a massive pizza or Thai food with one of your college coupons and have enough for 3 more meals of leftovers.
Other than the fridge and possibly a microwave (great for boiling water and making popcorn), I’d wait on kitchen stuff. Our dorms had a kitchen where you could check out pots and bakeware and it was usable (at least in the sense that if you weren’t grossed out by the kitchen itself, the communal pots weren’t going to scare you off). Getting her own pots and pans and bakeware just seems like a really inefficient use of limited space. Also, for those homesick moments, she’ll be grateful later that she couldn’t bake and eat a full pan of brownies (speaking from experience) :) Lastly, everyone I know borrowed plates, mugs, and utensils from the dining hall and just returned them for washing. It technically wasn’t allowed, but for what they charged for food and that they forced us all to buy unlimited plans, I can’t say we felt bad.
My floor had cleaning supplies–vacuum, all-purpose cleaner, windex, etc. She may decide she wants her own set of some of that, but might as well wait to see.
Final tip–if you didn’t already know this, Amazon Prime is free for students, so get her signed up for that! So convenient to order little necessities when you either don’t have a car or driving from campus is a pain. That’ll help when you get there to quickly fill in anything you didn’t bring.
Here’s my experience:
Useful items:
A trash can that has the loop things to hol the grocery sacks to use as a trash can is invaluable.
Do get a fridge with a separate freezer! Especially if she is planning on living in the dorms for more than a year or is opting out of a meal plan. Depending on the university (but I’ve never heard any of my highschool friends have different advice and they go to 6 different unis) buy the smallest meal plan and only buy one semester of it if possible. I bought the recommended one for my freshman year and couldn’t eat through it even with buying friends food and eating 2 meals a day. Realistically she’ll probably eat off campus (cook at friends or go out) 1-2 times a week at least. I didn’t even buy a meal plan my last semester living on campus and I only had my mini fridge and a microwave (no kitchen access). It was such a time and stomachs saver.
Walmart and target sell a microwaveable pot that vents and you can cook noodles, veggies, rice, and eggs in it. I highly recommend this, even if it is just used for ramen.
Books ends. Standard slim metal bookends. They help organize so. Much.
If she has enough room that none of her furniture has to go under the bed, I highly recommend a three drawer cube from micheals. It is wooden and is supposed to be for scrapbooking supplies, but mine held my dishes/utinsels, makeup/ hair junk/nail polish, and my medicines (stock up on over the counter mess for her!)/sewingkit/first aid kit perfectly. It is large but it’s capacity to store all of the random bits was invaluable and much better than the plastic three drawer cubes that aren’t deep enough. I got one and then 5 or six of the girls on my floor ended up with one.
Both years my roommates have used a snuggie while they study and I must say it worked well for them.
Netflix subscription. Even people who don’t watch TV or movies use it enough to justify it.
Body pillow (the cinder block walls are so. Cold. )
Good desk lamp. It needs to be large enough that it won’t through a ton of shadows which hinders with reading. If it has a lampshade that lets ligh through she can just put sticky notes over it to block some of that light for her roomie, but having too small of a desk lamp is the worst at night
Don’t forget a three hole punch, ruler, tape dispenser, packing tape (it comes in handy so often for random things) stapler, cold meds, and a storage device to back up her laptop)
A jewelry holder that has a hanger for in the closet is awesome, but only if it has zippers on the compartments! That way it can just get rolled up and packed easily for even small trips.
Foam mattress pad. Go ahead and get a nice one (I started with a one inch one and loved it so much I got a three inch one for my bed this next year), it makes the world of difference!
Just go ahead and buy big tubs for all of her stuff to move. They can be used as a laundry hamper and storage under her bed, and will be easier to move than boxes because of the handles. Also most laundry bags and baskets are junk. I have 8-9 gray ones that may not be stylish but I use 2-3 for storage for non essential items, one for a laundry basket (easily holds two to three weeks worth of clothes unlike laundry baskets) and stack the rest to store them. These are the only reason some of my friends still help me move => (I have moved 5 times alone this summer between dorm, home, and internships).
A lamp that clips on the the bed frame is useful if your daughter studies in bed.
Iron/small ironing board, especially for if she gets an internship, she needs the tools to look professional!
Board games/ card games (ESP cards against humanity)
Over the door towel hanger. It will be used for more than just towels so get a large one.
If she’s going to be in an apartment a blow up bed is a nice thing to have. Sleepovers happen (drinking, lack of car, too tired to drive someone home, good for when a parent or friend visits). I also have used mine to sleep on for the summer for my internships so my parents didnt have to move me due to having a mattress. They come in super handy and it’s just a nice thing to have. They can also be pretty cheap. If she is in a dorm but have friends from highschool nearby it may even be worth it to have one in the dorm.
Not useful:
Folding chairs, especially the round ones (either bring the chairs used at little league games or get an ottoman with storage but most folding chairs are junk. They don’t hold up and take up a ton of space)
The pocket things that hang off the bed by being out between the mattress and frame. Typically suggested for putting water bottles and books in. Useless. Either get one of the ones that is a solid little table or don’t get one at all. She will probably end up with a piece of furniture next to her bed anyway. I had to duck tape mine to get it to stay)
Gaming consoles – for some reason board games and movies are more popular
The shelf things that hang in the closet. Debatable but they really seem to take up more room than what they hold. A three drawer tower thing holds everything better
Decorations that take up any flat surface (however all of the wall decor things sold are awesome, even the 3D ones!)
A GPS-just get an iPhone or android
Laptops are a distraction in class. IPads are worse. My suggestion is to not buy an IPad but get her a laptop that has enough battery to last 8 hrs of class (almost impossible).
Cloth shower caddies. They mold. Also plastic ones are useless as well if she has an en suite bathroom.
Any storage bin without a lid. If she doesn’t want to use the lid it can just get out underneath it, but stacking things is the way to go. Don’t get the cloth bucked or wicker baskets.
Plastic hangers. Invest now in huggable hangers and never have to worry about it again. Also knock off hangers break very quickly. Get the real ones.
Lap desk
Purse for a backpack (it worked in highschool, but investing in a good backpack for college is honestly the way to go, even if it is just used to carry books for study sessions and not to class)
Laptop lock, my university is abnormally safe, so that could cloud my judgement, but I have never heard of anyone ever using one. You typically aren’t ever away from your laptop anyway. Unless you are going to a party or out to dinner, but it can just be put in a locked cabinet if she’s worried.
If she has an en suite bathroom no need for shower shoes.
Liquid laundry soap, get the gel packs. Much easier to lug to the laundrymat.
Necklace trees, most take up too much counter space
That’s all I can think of. Is there anything specific you have been looking at?
A weekend bag and travel-sized shampoo/conditioner containers. My backpack was a bit too small when I packed for our four day fall break, and my only other option was a giant suitcase. It’s nice to have a smaller sized bag available for shorter trips.
Not dorm room specific, and depends on the climate, but my rain coat was super helpful. For some reason, I never had one in high school and bought one on somewhat of a whim before my freshman year. I went to school in the South and used this all the time throughout the winter and spring.
Have any of you been treated for generalized anxiety disorder, or depression that had an anxiety component to it? Just looking for some feedback on which of the usual antidepressant medications are more aimed at or better at controlling anxiety issues.
+1 for therapy. I know you didn’t ask, but I hope you’ll include it as part of your treatment plan.
Yes, I have. When I was first diagnosed with depressed 2 years ago, my anxiety was through the roof. It was depression-linked, though; when my depression gets really bad, that’s when the anxiety flairs. I don’t have GAD. The first medication I tried didn’t work, or at least not for long, for the depression, although at a higher dosage it helped ease the anxiety a lot. The medication I’m on now (Lexipro) has kept me on a fairly even keel.
After suffering from anxiety my whole life and just thinking it was my personality I went on citalopram (generic version of celexa, nearly identical to Lexapro) four years ago. It’s changed my life for the better. There are side effects, and you should talk to your doctor, but I’ve had a good experience with it.
I have been diagnosed with depression (by history) and generalized anxiety disorder. I started taking the antidepressant Lexapro in law school to help manage my anxiety. Best.decision.ever. I sleep better, stress less, and am able to succeed in my career at a firm that has big-law expectations. My only complaint is that it has reduced my desire to engage in lady garden parties.
Keep in mind that not everyone reacts well to Lexapro. My ex began taking it for social anxiety shortly before I ended our 4 year long relationship, and it actually made him more anxious and depressed (which led to a drinking problem and the demise of our relationship).
I share your complaint.
Wellbutrin + CBT worked wonders for my depression+anxiety, but I don’t think Wellbutrin is always great for the anxiety, it just happened to work well for me.
Anti anxiety medications are very individual in how they work. My daughter had terrible side effects with celexa, but did great with Zoloft. It seems to be a trial and error thing to find what is best for you. Good luck.
Just like Anon Anxious Lady, I thought anxiety was just a part of my personality. I lived with it for WAY too long. I tried therapy for seven years, and while it helped on the good days, I would still suffer such crushing lows and long periods of irrational thoughts that I knew were irrational but still couldn’t control. Finally, earlier this year, I took the step to take medication. I can’t sing its praises enough. I only take 25 mg (I think that’s the lowest dose), but it made all the difference in just regulating me. I’m still myself. I still get angry, frustrated, and upset (my big fear was that it would be some kind of happy pill that would turn me into a zombie). But I no longer suffer from the terrible anxiety that kept me from dating, going to parties, etc.
Like everyone else is saying, I recommend therapy, too, if you haven’t tried it already. It works well for some people on its own. For others, a combination of therapy and meds is even better. But I wouldn’t recommend doing meds without therapy. It helps to have a safe space to talk out your feelings, especially when you’re starting the meds and dealing with potentially unpleasant side effects.
Last thing — be prepared for those side effects! Mine were terrible for one week. And it takes about a week for the meds to take their effect. After a week, the side effects magically went away and it was like I could see the world as it was, at last. And it was, without being melodramatic, life-changing.
Best of luck to you as you go through this! It’s a process, but you’ll get through it.
I had some anxiety issues. No meds for me (beyond the occasional ativan) but a year of counseling really helped. I’ve also heard excellent things about CBT.
OP here. Thank you all so much for the quick response and thoughts. I actually got a little misty-eyed reading them. I have tried therapy before (though not specifically for anxiety) but didn’t find it very helpful. And of course the anxiety kept me from raising the issue with my doctor, because the thought of doing that made me, well, anxious. But I took the first step by contacting my doctor just now, and we’ll see what she says.
I just wanted to wish you best of luck! I know how hard it can be to ask for help. I hope you and your doctor can find a course of treatment that works for you.
Also wishing you luck. I’ve been on Prozac for years, eventually increasing the dosage. Then anxiety kicked in so now I take P with Welbutrin XL. That seems to be OK but I still have occasional slumps into despair. To deal with big-time anxiety (before big hearings or on trial days) I take a Xanax and it works wonders. But that’s an emergency measure, and if I can manage without it, I do. My therapist is NOT very helpful, but she is on my insurance. I’ve been shopping around for another but with no success so far. So I keep going. Hoping for good things for you.
Good luck! Taking that first step is huge. I hope you find the best solution for yourself.
If you did not try cognitive behavioral therapy before, I would highly recommend you at least give it a shot along with the meds. I had terrible anxiety and CBT changed my life dramatically. It helps you learn to get out of the anxiety cycle and calm yourself. I know it doesn’t work for some, but it worked so well for me that I am a bit of an evangelist.
This may not be you at all, but my new crusade when someone things they are suffering from any kind of depression/anxiety, is to have them take a really hard look at the influences in your life. How is work? Relationships? Family? Friends? After many years of therapy, I had a pretty interesting breakthrough early this year…it isn’t me. It’s the people in my life that like to use me as their therapist/personal organizer/problem solver / lifeguard.
The only way to fix it wasn’t meds, wasn’t really even therapy, it was removing those things from my life. Years and years of therapy to be told, “it really isn’t you, it’s them!” You then have to unwind any damage that has caused, which needs to be a tailored approach for you, but it is something to think about. (Incedentially, cutting those people out of my life turned out to be the best thing for me AND them! Still working on husband treating me as crutch / mom / lifesaver, but we’re getting there)
Yes. Like I said below (and, again, only *my* opinion), I completely lived this and wholly agree. It’s really hard to do this, and it can continue to be a process, but it gets easier and really works.
Yes I have. I tried meds that didn’t work for me, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t encourage you to try them. I did take Xanax for the occasional panic attack and did about two years of CBT. My anxiety was so terrible at first that I was going to counseling multiple times a week, but I haven’t gone in over a year now and I am much better at stopping the anxiety cycle. There is nothing wrong with getting the help you need and I wish you luck.
Celexa seems to be good with depression and anxiety combined. Xanax didn’t work.
What really helped me through some serious anxiety (a little under a year, but it was pretty major and sudden and horrible) was understanding how and why anxiety itself occurs (with or without talk therapy), the life issues (job and generally profession-related) that triggered it for me, and then accepting the anxiety/not being afraid of it, as well as meditation and exercise and focusing on resolving my actual job-related problems.
Medication works really well to “calm down” the worst of the initial symptoms so you can delve into what’s causing the anxiety, but I really do think that dealing with *why* it’s happening is crucial to a positive long-term outcome (again, this has been *my* experience and is only *my* opinion).
I’ve experienced bouts of anxiety and depression and have found very noticeable and long term relief through acupuncture. I also learned through a blood test that I have a genetic mutation (MTHFR) that makes it hard for me to process a certain vitamin (forgot which one, B maybe?). A deficiency of that vitamin can lead to anxiety, so now I am taking vitamin supplements as well. Maybe ask your Dr about that? I also take vitamin D supplements since I live in the Pacific NW and am probably deficient in Vitamin D. I just started taking these so can’t report yet on their effect on my anxiety– just throwing some ideas out there for you if you don’t want to jump right into medication.
Has anyone had a blazer altered from long to 3/4 sleeved? I have a suit I rarely wear because I don’t like the jacket sleeve length and rather than buy a new one, I’d like to make the jacket work.
Yes, and it made the new version so much more wearable.
Yes, I do this occasionally bc I have monkey arms, and this means that a too-short “regular-sleeve” jacket can turn a suit that would look ridiculous into “summer cute.” If you don’t want the buttons to be functional, it is much cheaper to not have the button-holes re-cut. As long as the sleeve buttons are big enough to cover the lack of functionality, this looks fine. If you do want the buttons to be functional, it can get more pricy. Also, for suits that look “very formal” (like interview suits) this does not work as well as for suits that are more fashion-y, if that makes sense. For instance, I have a BB seersucker suit that I chopped down and it looks adorable. I would not do it to my classic jcrew black wool suits as 3/4 sleeves seem strangely casual for a “formal” suit. Does that help?
IUD question–has anyone gotten cramps after getting an IUD while not on your period? I got a copper IUD a couple of months ago and woke up with super painful cramps this morning–but I’m not on my period (I was recently, and I do get bad cramps the first day or two of my period since I got the IUD). It hasn’t repeated, so I don’t think it’s reached “call my doctor” level yet, but I thought it was a little unusual. Maybe my body is still adjusting?
I have the copper IUD and I get this half way through my cycle. I don’t know if it has anything to do with the IUD necessarily, it may just be ovulation, but it was much more noticeable once I got the IUD. I had been on hormonal birth control for years before switching over and never had the cramping, so this may be normal cramping during ovulation when not taking hormones.
I had a copper IUD. I cramped a lot when I first got it. They gradually went away over the first year.
What do you think are good questions to find out about the downside of working somewhere, without sound negative/offending? I know every office has its challenges, but I want make sure this isn’t a toxic work environment type place. Unfortunately, I don’t know anyone personally who works there.
I usually ask why the previous person left the position. I either get the truth or can tell they’re lying, so either way, I get what I need.
I think you can ask what people like the least about their job or what they would change. Thats a way to get at what might be making them unhappy without sounding too blunt. I did that a lot during 2L interviews to help distinguish firms that all seemed pretty similar on paper and it didn’t seem to have negative consequences.
I’d ask what personality trait would help someone excel in this role, to get an idea of what they value.
That is a good one!
It would be super helpful to find someone who had just recently left employment there and talk to them.
Ask about a typical day – it’ll give you a good idea about the pace etc…
Oh, and if someone you interview with says its really pace, pace is fast, demanding etc… believe them.
Looking for some recipe ideas. My parents are coming over for dinner this weekend, and unfortunately all my go-to nice meals to make are ones I stole from them. The main course is going to be a grilled Caesar salad with shrimp and steak. I’m seeking ideas for a side dish that would complement that. I was thinking maybe an orzo salad? Something relatively easy and nice to eat on a hot summer day. Any ideas? Vegetarian preferred. Thanks ladies!
Grilled/steamed asparagus or fresh green beans. Topped with sliced toasted almonds and tons of butter.
Tomato/Mozz/Basil + balsamic vinegar & olive oil
fresh corn
watermelon/feta/mint salad
I just love summer and everything tastes so good it doesn’t need a lot of gussing up!
I know it’s another salad, but I love this salad from Whole Foods and it’s really easy to make. I love it at fridge temp.
http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/recipe/cranberry-quinoa-salad
Or grill some corn and baste with garlic butter (2-3 cloves of garlic in melted butter). The sugars in the corn begin to carmelize and mix with the butter making it absolutely delicious.
I’ve made a delicious orzo salad that is vegetarian. After the orzo finishes cooking, drain it and spread it out on a cookie sheet and drizzle it with really good olive oil. Once it’s cooled, toss it with chopped scallions, chopped kalamata olives, halved grape tomatoes, and feta cheese. And, it can sit for hours, so you can do it well in advance. For a non-vegetarian option we’ve usually added grilled chicken.
This Israeli couscous salad is summery and can be made ahead of time: http://smittenkitchen.com/blog/2007/07/pearly-whites/
I almost never do side dishes when I’ve got a salad as the main dish, especially if the salad has protein in it. I’d probably go for something yummy as an appetizer (gatherings tend to end up in the kitchen in my family, so it’s nice to have something to munch on as the chef’s doing last minute things). I like dips for this, but things tend to be pretty casual around here. With a Cesear with shrimp and steak, I’d do something light with lots of lime, like guacamole.
You could also do something fabulous for dessert– I just made a really delicious flourless chocolate cake, poured into a cupcake tin with raspberries pressed in before you bake it, so the raspberries get all mushy.
Thank you everyone. Great ideas here!
Something fun with fruit would be nice. My friend makes this great blackberry, mozzarella, and basil thing on a skewer that we have stolen from her for entertaining several times (its a fun twist on the traditional tomato and mozzarella skewer). You could change that into a more traditional salad if you want.
Also fun if you are already grilling is grilling fruit – like pineapple or figs or peaches (if you can find ripe ones.) I think fruit would be a nice way to add a light/slightly acidy side dish to a relatively richer main dish with the Ceaser salad.
If you want some carbs, slice sweet potatoes into coins (1/2 inch slices), then toss with evoo and season with cumin, sea salt and pepper. Roast in a 350 oven.
TJ: Does anyone have experience with divorces in CA? A family member was just served with divorce papers and has 20 days to respond. We all knew that the marriage was heading this direction. The separation was a shock – the spouse decided one day to separate and then pretty much cut off all contact, except for a few email exchanges. The last email exchange was several months ago, and then we found out the spouse had hired a divorce attorney and served these papers. When they separated, the spouse said that they would keep their money separate and wouldn’t contest it (there is some income disparity with the spouse earning less but they kept separate bank accounts during their marriage) and they have no kids, so it seems like there wouldn’t be much to contest (although I’m not sure if the spouse is now taking a different position and wants 50/50 split on finances). I think they could reach an agreement, but seeing how the spouse refuses to communicate and went ahead and hired an attorney, does it make sense to have our own attorney? Any other suggestions?
Yes I would definitely recommend consulting an attorney, once divorce has been filed there are things you can no longer do regarding finances/changing beneficiaries. And also just be aware that divorce in California is a long process even if uncontested.
YES, get an attorney IMMEDIATELY. Don’t get a shark; some divorce lawyers are the kind that want to spend the entire estate into the ground while they battle it out. Get a competent, experienced, level-headed attorney who is willing to compromise if it’s in the best interest of your family member, but will hold firm to protect what’s fair for your family member as well. Your divorce attorney is not an avatar for use to inflict pain on your ex-spouse.
California is a community property state, which means the default is that assets acquired during the marriage are owned 50/50 regardless of bank account separation. The state *strongly* favors community property. There are ways around that rule, but it takes certain steps which are not necessarily obvious. As much as possible, put everything on financial lockdown so that the other person (or your family member) can’t suddenly withdraw a lot of assets and spend them. Everything needs to be held to the status quo as much as possible.
*assets aside from specific gifts and inheritances and such. Assets such as income and real property, as well as expectation interest in pensions/401ks which were funded with income.
If the filing party is lawyered up, then the responding party needs a lawyer, too. If your relative is in the L.A. area I can give you some referrals. Email me at SeniorAttorney1 at gmail.com.
Yes, if they have an attorney, unfortunately you need one. I’ve helped friends of mine do it, even with one child, but once one has has an attorney, the other one needs on as well.
Procedurally, it is pretty straight forward. After filing / serving the divorce paperwork, you have to be able to show the court they’ve been living apart for a certain amount of time, and then you ask for a trial date. Then you file the “settlement before trial” document (it is on the CA Judicial Council website) and the judge signs and you’re done – IF, of course, everyone agrees and signs.
If they don’t? It gets tricky.
Ladies, I need help minding my own business. Does anyone have a mantra or some words of wisdom you keep in mind that helps to remind you to stay the heck out of it?
My BFF had major surgery about two weeks ago. Our mutual friend (“Friend”) has been totally checked out – didn’t offer to visit, or help out, or send anything. Total strangers at BFF’s church are sending food. People she hasn’t talked to in 20 years are wishing her well on facebook. Friend one of her closest friends and can’t even text??? I understand that plenty of people aren’t great with medical issues, but that’s no excuse for not texting or sending flowers or SOMETHING. This isn’t the first time that Friend has let down BFF – or me for that matter – and I know it really hurts BFF’s feelings. I hate to see BFF going through this at a time when she’s already so vulnerable and in so much (physical) pain; it’s heartbreaking when she asks if I’ve heard from Friend because she hasn’t. I really want to call up Friend and rip her a new one but I know it’s not my place – their relationship is their business. Any recommendations on how to calm my crazy? TIA.
Well, I don’t know that this is necessarily something you shouldn’t get involved in since you describe her as a mutual friend. It really depends on what kind of relationship you have, but in a close relationship I think it’s probably okay to call and say something like “Hey Mutual Friend, I wanted to remind you that BFF had major surgery a couple weeks ago. Since she’s just been recuperating at home for the past two weeks she’s been looking forward to hearing from you.” Or something even a bit stronger.
Now, if you had said this person was a good friend of your BFF’s but just your acquaintance or we were talking about your SO instead of your BFF I’d say you shouldn’t get involved because the dynamics are different.
+1
Be careful to curb your frustration/anger and just try to politely encourage her to reach out to BFF. If BFF is asking you about it, it kind of is your business.
Mantra: “Not my circus, not my monkeys.” It’s a Polish way of saying not my problem.
I love this expression! Will definitely use it in the future.
TTC + Travel Question: Does anyone have experience with frequent travel and TTC? My DH travels almost every week (M-Thu). I always seem to ovulate on Wednesday, so Thursday is too late and Sunday is a bit too early. I am getting a little frustrated, but I guess there’s not much I can do short of tracking my cycle and hoping that the stars align at some point! I’m just getting increasingly antsy. I’d love to hear from anyone else who has gone through this.
Why not try going on a birth control pill to move your cycle? Maybe you could take a month of a pill and come off on a Wednesday.
Hmm…interesting! I hadn’t thought of this. I’ll have to look into it, thanks for the idea!
Do you ever have the occasion to travel with him? If its not too cost prohibitive/far away, you could take some vacation days that coincide exactly with when you are ovulating and go with him for the next two months. Plus, hotel sex is always fantastic ;)
That’s my only real solution.
Ahh…..baby #1 at home might interfere with this plan but it sounds so. great. A couple of days with grandma may be in her future. :)
take a long weekend to visit hubby in his city, arriving Weds night? You could even fly in a change of clothes for him for the next week, and then fly back with his dry cleaning.
We had this same issue TTC our first (husband traveled M-F) and honestly, it just took a lot longer than I had planned on. Eventually, the stars aligned and the timing worked out. Imminent baby #2 happened a lot sooner (and unexpectedly) once husband stopped traveling for work…
I had heard about the using BC to time your next ovulation, but never tried it.
A friend in this situation was rumored to have solved this problem w/ a cup and a turkey baster but I don’t know the specifics of keeping it alive until the right day or any of the science behind it. It could also be an urban legend among friends or covering up an even bigger drama of how did friend get pregnant while husband was out of town that month?
Best purchase so far from the NAS? Go!
3 Wacoal bras. They are the best and significantly reduced in price. Don’t really need clothes, so ignored much of the rest of the sale.
**eagerly awaiting NAS deliveries from UPS next week**
same
My friend and I went into Nordies and tried a bunch of stuff on on Friday. I knew no new clothes are currently in my budget, and she had forgotten her wallet. But we had a blast anyway!
Turns out Retail Therapy can be just as fun if you try on a bunch of fancy dresses, and don’t buy a single thing.
Back in November, I purchased a pair of J Brand jeans from Nordstrom. They are by far the best fitting pair of jeans I’ve ever owned and I’ve worn them fairly often since I bought them. I’ve probably washed them 5 or 6 times. A few weeks ago I was bent over and one of the knees ripped! I’m past a point in my life where I want to be wearing ripped jeans. I know Nordstrom will take back pretty much anything, but is it really reasonable for me to return something like this? Or should I just accept that jeans only have a certain life? Today is the first time I’ve worn jeans since then and I am sad to remember that my other jeans just don’t fit the same, so I’ve already ordered another pair from the same brand (unfortunately, they no longer carry the exact same pair).
Take it back, no question. It’s not even like you want your money back after wearing them 6x – you want your jeans. Nordie’s will replace with a smile.
Definitely return them. 1) They’ll take them as long as you’re unhappy with them (which you certainly are). I personally have returned a bra that had the clasp break and I know someone who returned well worn Tom’s shoes with absoluetely no hassle. As long as you have the receipt, you’re fine. 2) I have GAP jeans that cost much less and have been through 10 times the washings with no rips, tears, or wear of any sort.
Interesting to hear this. Once the tags come off I usually don’t even think of returning/exchanging as an option. Even with tags after much more than 30 days I’d be hesitant to try. Not sure why, even though I’ve heard you can return anything anytime I guess I’m too embarrassed about looking like a tightwad?
I feel like I’m in a really bad place right now. We’re dealing with infertility, which is its own source of anxiety and stress, plus creates weird tensions in our marriage (e.g., since most of the stuff being done happens to my body, I’m the one who does all the communicating with the doctor’s office, but then I sometimes have instructions to pass along to my husband, which makes my husband feel like he’s just this secondary sp3rm donor and not really a part of the process). My husband owns his own company, which is just getting off the ground. It’s getting traction, but there are no guarantees and it’s still in a very new phase and so probably has only about a 50/50 chance of actually making it. Which means he could be unemployed by early next year. My job is soul-suckingly terrible. I’ve hated it since day one and took it only because I was unemployed and really needed something. It’s not in my field. It’s not as much money as I should be making at my level. And the work environment is awful. I’ve been looking for something else, but that takes time. Recently, my employer said I might be laid off by the end of the year. Now they’re saying they still might get rid of my current position, but they have another position they want to consider me for. But they’d want me to commit to sticking around for another year or two. The thought of being stuck here for another whole year makes me crazy. Besides the experience of actually being here for another year, there’s the fact that it would be another year outside my field, not moving forward, meaning it would be even harder at the end of that year to get back to what I really want to be doing.
With all of this, I feel like I’m barely holding it together. I feel like I’m constantly on the verge of tears. Every day, I have at least some time when I feel like I’m going to break down in tears any second. I just want to go hide in a corner somewhere and cry. I do spend part of my weekends doing just that — curled up on the couch crying. I don’t seem to have any of the symptoms of depression, though. I don’t have any trouble getting up and getting dressed in the morning, or focusing on work, or making decisions, or sleeping, or waking up. When I get a chance to do something fun, I still enjoy it as much as I ever did. It’s just the weight of everything going on that drags me down, plus feeling completely trapped. I don’t know what to do. The more hopeless I feel, the harder it is to put my head on straight and figure out how to at least get out of this job, which just makes me feel more hopeless. I just feel buried.
Wow. You’re me up until February of this year (without the TTC. I’m still undecided on whether I ever will or not). My husband has had his own company for a few years, but recently the market has been shakey and I discovered that he is NO good at doing the books. I was underpaid and in a job I took just to have a job. The job was abusive, and I was constantly told what a horrible writer and attorney I was, while being given nothing but mind-numbing discovery to wade through.
I finally got very, very sick and was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that can, in part, be triggered by stress (and maybe lack of vitimin D, which would make sense with me locked inside all those months).
It took me being in the hospital for my husband to realize what was happening, and we have been working towards making it right ever sense. Therapy can help, but you just can’t give up hope. I JUST switched jobs back into my field in February, and I’m really, really happy at work now. Don’t be shocked that, when that happens (WHEN!!), it will make the stressed out home part even worse.
Keep applying. Unless they are going to make you sign a 2 year contract, just nod, smile, do as good of a job as you can tolerate, keep collecting that paycheck and saving as much as you can, and get out when you can. Even though your husband is trying to get a new business off the ground, you have to make time for the two of you – no cell phones, no stress, no interference – even if it is just a movie night. TTC is not going to be possible by any method if you are this stressed out!! Give yourself a break. You are going through a lot right now without adding infertility processes on top of it.
Yes, they want me to sign a contract.
Maybe you can talk them out of that. Something along the lines of “I’m very interested in exploring this new position with you, but since it is new, let’s just go on an at-will basis for now.” And then sign whatever confidentiality clause they want you to sign.
Then again, I’ve had several clients have those kinds of contracts and walk away anyway. One ended in litigation, one didn’t. Depending on the penalties, it may be worth it for a little job security.
Do your fertility treatments involve hormones? I am not going through any of the sorts of stress you are experiencing, but find that once per month (and I am on a monophasic pill) I have a day where I feel like crying because of estrogen levels dropping. If you’re being given hormones for infertility, I bet you are on an emotional roller coaster! Also, I find that sometimes it’s helpful to watch a sad movie or TV show so I can enjoy the physical release of cryingand attribute the tears to the movie and avoid beating myself up that I shouldn’t be crying over whatever problem I am having that’s upsetting me.
Wow. This is so much at once. It sounds abolutely overwhelming.
Any of these things on their own would be incredibly stressful. Your job, his business, fertility issues. Even if your jobs were 100% stable and perfect, the fertility stuff is so incredibly stressful that I’d imagine a weekly crying session would be absolutely justifiable and normal.
Is there any aspect of your life that you can put off changing for a while, or make less stressful? Can his business get put on hold? Can he a hire a CPA or bookkeeper to help? Can you put off signing the contract?
I am a news junkie, but during an especially stressful time this year, I decided I couldnt listen to the news any more. Stories about wars and Egypt and everything were just too stressful. So I just turned it off.
Hang in there. Lean on your family and friends for support. Tell people how hard things are for you. This is a tough time. They will step up. We can’t always handle everything at once, and shouldn’t try to make ourselves do that. You are only human, and can only do the best you can do.
Looking for advice from anyone who has sold their house on their own without a realtor. Is it too much trouble than its worth? We are not underwater on our mortgage, but I don’t think we’ll get more than a few thousand more than what we owe, so not anxious to hand over all of the excess to a realtor. I am an attorney, but not in real estate.
Unless you find a buyer without a realtor, you’ll still be paying some amount of realtor fees in the course of your transaction. You get a lot more exposure with a realtor, so I think it depends largely on how anxious you are to sell.
This. Most buyer do (and should) use agents because it’s free for them since the seller pays. So you will still need to pay their broker some commission (and if you don’t, you are limiting the no. of buyers who will see your place).
And also? Buyers will want you to take the realtor’s commission off the selling price so you are unlikely to come out ahead. There’s no way I’d sell without a realtor. Too much stuff to keep track of, too many opportunities for error. Not to mention the exposure on the MLS.
I’ve done it twice, first with my coop in a highly desirable neighborhood in 2007 before the housing market tanked, and second with my husband’s house in a less desirable neighborhood in 2009. For the former, I just cleaned up my apartment, had my boyfriend (now husband) catsit for me in his home, and put an ad in the paper. For the latter, we used the MLS listing option on forsalebyowner. We set the realtor fee we were willing to pay at 3%. The market was so terrible at the time that we were happy to break even, but I think we did better than if we’d used a realtor because we were much more motivated.
This has always sounded like a bad idea to me. Real estate contracts are complicated, as are the laws about what has to be disclosed to a potential buyer, etc. As a lawyer, you could probably figure it out but you need to consider how much of your (valuable) time would go into it and how willing you are to assume the risk of overlooking something and having the buyer come after you down the road. It makes me think of past clients who wanted me to just give them a form contract and then do it themselves. Yes, if it’s a really simple transaction you could do that, but I’ve seen too many instances where that blew up in someone’s face and they ended up spending more to fix the problem than they would have to just let a professional help them in the first place.
I would never have done it w/o a real estate attorney–and neither would a realtor, for that matter. Once anyone accepts an offer, the seller’s attorney sends the contract to the buyer’s attorney. But for the selling stage of things, I haven’t found a realtor to be absolutely necessary.
I’m curious if you saved money using lawyers instead of RE agents? I know they take a % of the sale price, but I can’t imagine that’s more than a lawyer would cost to do things correctly. Do you mind sharing what part of the country you did this in? I’m in CA & cannot imagine not using an agent, esp since the required disclosures change constantly & I expect a RE agency to more up on things like that.
The level of involvement of attorneys in real estate transactions varies state by state, so that’s a factor (some states attorneys are rarely if ever used, some states actually require some attorney involvement, and so on).
Depending on the value of the property, a real estate attorney JUST to handle paperwork can be MUCH less expensive than a broker. I mean, 6% of $500,000 is $30,000. I really can’t fathom an attorney charging 30K to draft a set of real estate docs. If you want more than that, then you’re better off with a realtor (ie, assistance advertising, showing, etc).
Also, you do not “have” to pay the buyer’s broker (at least, not in my state, check yours) if you do for sale by owner. You can choose to, but you can also simply say that you don’t mind if a buyer wants to hire their own representation but you’re not paying it. Here, FSBO sellers who WILL pay buyer’s agents put “courtesy to brokers” in their advertising, and that lets buyers know that their agent will be paid out of the seller’s side. Absent that, it’s actually still the buyer’s responsibility to pay their own agent unless the seller signs a K saying they will cover it out of proceeds.
NYC.
Anon Realtor, your insight is very helpful. I think attorneys are required here, so when my friend in Indiana told me that she planned to purchase a home without one, I was appalled. She had to assure me that she’d consulted with an attorney who told her that it isn’t customary for attorneys to be involved in simple real estate transactions there so that I would stop nagging her to retain someone. I’m an attorney, but there’s no way I would represent myself in a real estate transaction–even in Indiana.
Anyone have a basic t-shirt that they love? I want to add to my collection of colors. Ideally either v-neck or scoopneck, a little bit of stretch, not see-through, not too boxy. Which brand is your go to?
marine layer! made in the us, kind of the same idea as everlane but I like them a LOT better (they are, however, more expensive). love their slub v-necks. lighter colors are slightly see-through, but not nearly as much as many “designer” t-shirts I have.
James Perse. I also like Alternative for v-necks. James Perse is expensive, but worth it (plus I find them at nicer TJMaxx stores from time to time.
My go-to brand is the Gap pure body tees. The white ones are a tad see through, but once I found the right color n*de bra for me, they are fine. They are perfectly stretchy to keep their shape. The only thing that is sad is that they don’t always have a ton of colors, but they seem to rotate fairly often (and they always have black and white). Last I checked they had a purple, mauve, and a blue that was pretty. I really wish they would make them in stripes or other patterns!
Everlane (https://www.everlane.com/n/9enyps), which has been mentioned a bunch of times here now. So soft and reasonably priced.
+1 for everlane
I look for the same and my current favorite are the halogen… or is it caslon??… at Nordstroms. They fit and wash great (and seriously, I’m not kind to my laundry).
As a slightly tangential question: can anyone recommend a store that sells t-shirts with longer sleeves? I’m not talking 3/4 length, just longer on the upper arm and more fitted.
In the past, I’ve found some at The Limited. It may have been a seasonal thing, though, because right now, I think they may only have them in stripes.
Talbot’s and Pendleton had some this year.
Lord & Taylor
American giant
Eddie Bauer! They have good basic shirts that are not see-through. They run a little big – I wear a Large in most shirts and a Medium in Eddie Bauer, but they are wonderful. I’m also pretty busty and they fit nicely in the waist (not boxy) without looking stretched across my chest. I order them off Amazon – they have a wonderful range of sizes including petites and long, and tons of colors.
My boss just praised me in a mass email to my department, which really made my day. I would really like to have a feel good cocktail to celebrate, but alas, I am 30 weeks pregnant.
Someone please have one on my behalf. :-)
Done! ;)
Congratulations on a job well done!
…and speaking of TTC….
I’ll be 33 next year. We still have at least 2 milesstones I want to reach before even considering the possibility of TTC – completion of our house renovation (so we have somplace to put a baby – seriously, my house is 720 sq ft), and saving up an emergency fund of at least 6 months worth of bills. It looks like Phase 1 will be done by September. Additionally, I feel my husband is just not yet responsible enough to be able to really be 50% of the parenting team. He runs his own business, and has finally hired a part time bookkeeper, but he still has a lot to learn about being 50% of the marriage, instead of just going to work, coming home, eating dinner and going to bed (like his dad). He admits this fully and is going to therapy, but I feel like we’re running out of time.
I’ve never been 100% convinced I want kids. I can’t imagine where one would fit in my life. Actually, aside from the money problems that are likely going to be fixed soon, I’m very happy with my freedom, ability to run out of the house at any time, work late without any logistical challenges, and ability to come home and crash on the couch or go to the gym without any other responsibilities.
Hive, I’m selfish, and I fully recognize that. But I just now found a job that I love and want to stay in until I retire. I’m finally getting phase 1 of my dream house built. I’m just one the edge of doing all of these things I’ve always wanted to do, and I just don’t see my future as one being compatible with kids!
My husband actually shocked the heck out of me this week and said, “you might convince me of that.” I THOUGHT that he was always 100% behind having kids, but this week he said that it was not at all a deal breaker for him. (We’ve been together for 15 years, and everytime we go to discuss we decide we’re not ready and push it off. So here we are!)
Which is weird, because now I’m doubting my own feelings!! I’m not going to go to therapy on this one, since the last time I did that the therapist kept telling me that everything would be better and my husband would be more responsible after he had kids. Thanks, but that’s never turned out to be true in my very limited, anectodal experience through friends!
I spent the holiday weekend with a friend of mine that is a business owner and had a baby 10 months ago. She was not supposed to be able to get pregnant, and had accepted that fact, and then she did. She says she loves it and wants a second child, but going to the beach (she has to stay covered, she can’t be out long, she might get a chill, OMG OMG) and then lunch (baby starts screaming) and then hanging out (baby can’t touch floor, needs constant entertainment, etc.) at the house with them, I’m really freaked out. It seemed like it took both parents and grandma as a rotating staff. I can’t imagine spending my days off like that, every time!! We don’t have any family that can help, but when I was researching there is a really wonderful infant / day care 2 blocks from me that is open 6am – 6pm. I can get on the list (city connections) and the cost is $1200 / month, so very reasonable.
But when I say that that is how it would have to be, people look at me like I’m some alien that would drop off their baby to be raised by a day care. “Well, I wouldn’t even HAVE kids if someone else was going to raise them, because what’s the point?” Is the comment I’m getting when I talk to other mothers. We’d probably do drop off at about 7:30AM and pick-up about 4PM (husband goes early I go late). Anyway, part of me wants to go in full on “plan for a baby” mode, part of me is, well, repulsed might be too strong a word, but maybe “extremly concerned about giving up freedoms” is closer.
I’m sure I’ve included all kinds of triggers, offenses, and bad explanations in here and I’m not trying to offend anyone. I’m just spinning a little because I am not friends with anyone that both has a career they are very happy with and has kids. I have friends with kids, and ambitious friends happy in their careers, but not both. TIA!
Hey there…
Currently preg, but previously struggled with all the things you mention (minus H not being a full 50%).
Honestly, I”m still not sure how its all going to work out, but here are some things I don’t’ think you should bother about:
1. The house renovation. Even if you got preg now, it would be done long b4 pregnancy is over. Also, my house is almost half the size of yours. 720 is fine.
2. The daycare situation. Sounds like you have a perfectly viable, affordable option in the event you decide to use day care. That’s a great option! It absolutely does not matter what other people think. 730 to 4 is fine! (IMO). My brother started infant day care at 6 weeks and was in it from 8am to 5pm everyday. He grew up, went to ivy league schools, has a great job, and is in a happy relationship. I haven’t seen any scarring effects. Your kid will be just fine and honestly, who cares what those other moms think?
Concerns that ARE valid:
1) do you even want a child? does your husband?
2) is H prepared to be a full parent/spouse?
I think only you can answer no. 1, but FWIW, i do actually know people who have both happy careers and are kids. Its possible! Good luck. :)
I’m not sure what your question is, but I totally get where you’re coming from and not sure what to do.
Same. Think my husband would be an amazing father, but not sure either of us really want to give up time, money, or freedoms. And I feel like I’m running out of time, biologically speaking, to make this decision. I’m okay with adopting (might actually prefer it), but the biggest impediment is the cost.
You aren’t running out of time as fast as you think you are. My friend’s sister just had a baby AND SHE WAS 50 YEARS OLD.
No joke.
Unbelievable.
Take your time, and make sure it’s something you really want to do. You husband should be 100% on board, too.
NOT WANTING TO HAVE KIDS IS NOT SELFISH. A parent will be along in a while with some real advice :-) but I wanted to state that because it didn’t seem clear from your post if you believed it or not.
Agreed. I hate when someone tells me I’m being selfish because I don’t want kids. Not sure how my decision is affecting a non-existent, hypothetical being, especially when I would probably be a terrible parent to said hypothetical being (no, seriously, I wouldn’t have a clue what to do with a kid), but sure, random person (or my mother), I’ll totally listen to your opinion.
This x 1000.
Also, if you do decide to have a kid and hire a team of people to help with various things like housekeeping, childcare, tutoring, etc., that’s great. You’re exposing your kid to a bigger world of interesting people. You do not need the approval of other parents, or mothers for your life choices.
My feelings exactly. I never understood how the choice to not have children was “selfish.” I have a friend who wants to have kids and he told me that part of the reason he wants them is because he feels not having them is “selfish.” I asked him to explain more and he said, “otherwise you are just living your life for yourself.” And I just think – so what? Also, if you know you don’t want them, won’t enjoy spending time with them, etc, then having them just because you feel obligated to and want to relieve your conscience is even MORE selfish.
Totally agree. Also, many people’s stated reasons for wanting to have kids are so selfish! This coming from someone who wants and intends to have kids if all goes well.
+ 1 million billion trillion. I *despise* that sentiment more than anything. There are more options on the menu of life than just having kids.
http://7deadlysinners.typepad.com/sinners/2006/04/breeder_bingo_c.html
Seriously, I agree so much I just shouted and scared my cat.
Kids are a major life shift. You may never be sure timing wise, but at 33 you are far from having to decide right this second. In 10 years you might need to, but now you’re good.
I’m was in the hell no camp. At the moment, I’m in the “very likely no, but I could see myself revisiting the conversation in 7-10 years.”
However, I have thought through the “regret” issue. A TON. As such, I’ve decided for myself (and talked with DH) what I would be comfortable with if I couldn’t have a kid ‘naturally’ (for argument sake, I mean this without any intervention). Adoption? IVF? Foster parent? Animal farm? I’ve made peace with my decision and have accepted that if I change my mind at a point in which it is biologically “too late” we will pay whatever is needed, etc. I also think it helps to realize that even if you have a ‘normal’ time conceiving, there is nothing to say that you won’t have to shell out a ton of money. I figure, I spend money on what I want now, I will spend money on what I want in the future; the want just may change.
Sorry for the novel.
I am 35. Got married when I was 21 and hubby was 26. When we first got married, I was still in school and we were in a tiny apartment, so having kids was not an option.
A few years into the marriage, I started working and were were more financially stable. However, we went through a really rough period in our marriage to the point where we almost got divorced. Luckily, we made it through that rough patch. This was when I was 27-30, so again, kids were not even discussed.
After our marriage stabilized, the discussion of kids really never came up. I am totally selfish and I love having the freedom to come and go as I please. To be very frank, I realized I just don’t like kids.
This may sound horrible, but here goes – one Friday night I went out to pick up some food and we were going to have a lazy night hanging on the couch and watching movies. On my way out, I saw kids having football practice at the school. These were younger kids, so the parents were there. My first thought was how awful it would be to spend a Friday night at a kids ball practice. That was one of the moments that I knew for sure I didn’t want kids. I hear about my friends crazy schedules with baseball practice every night and games on the weekends and it just doesn’t sound like fun to me.
Also, I’m at a point now where my close group of friends all have kids who are grown up, so we can all hang out when we want. As I mentioned above, I like having the freedom to do what I want.
I have 3 cats now who are my spoiled “babies” and I am perfectly happy with them. I am content with not having kids and am 100% sure I made the right decision.
Not sure if this helps or not. Just wanted to explain my journey of where I ended up happily child free.
It does help. I’m not 100% sure what my question is either, but maybe my question is, “is it ok to not want kids?”
It is really hard when you come from a family where the women all have 2 kids by 25, and it isn’t an option to not have kids unless you physically can’t – and then they are all very condescendingly pitying. (Catholic on husband’s side, Jewish on my side)
It is absolutely ok to not want kids. I’ve been very vocal about my choice and over the years have trained my family and friends to see that it’s ok and totally the right decision for me. I don’t really get comments on it anymore unless someone who doesn’t know me very well finds out. Even those don’t really bother me because I’m totally comfortable with my decision and my boyfriend is 100% on the same page.
The key might be trying to figure out whether you’re just scared of having kids but want them or don’t want them and are scared of recognizing that. I’m not sure how you can answer that, but definitely some self-assessment is in order.
All that being said, there are definitely people from all ends of the spectrum. Those who absolutely want kids and aren’t scared, those who want kids and are scared, those who aren’t sure either way, those who don’t want kids but will love them if it happens, and those who absolutely don’t want kids, etc and every one of those are absolutely ok. It’s also ok to change your mind from any of them. Just go with what feels true for you and your husband and it will be fine.
In my opinion, yes it is okay to not want kids. But yeah, it can be tough with family like that. Sorry that can make it difficult and confusing.
I know my mom would love to have grandkids, but she has been very cool and has never pressured us. That’s one thing that sort of makes me sad about not having kids, but I appreciate the fact that she doesn’t make me feel guilty. On my husbands side, both his older sisters have kids so there’s no pressure there.
I know for a while when friends and people I knew started having kids, I sort of felt left out – almost like I was somehow less of a person b/c I didn’t want kids. I was happy for them, but also at the same time had this weird negative feeling, like “there goes another one”.
It was hard when one of my best friends I’ve known since 6th grade got pregnant. She didn’t really have a concrete plan to have kids, but then got pregnant by unexpectedly. She was 34 at the time. I was very happy for her, but at the same time was hoping maybe she would end up like me and decide not to have kids. I’m more secure in my decision now, but there were times when it was difficult.
It’s TOTALLY okay to not want kids! It’s NOT selfish to not want kids. (But wanting kids isn’t selfish either.) IMHO, the only “wrong” choice is to deliberately have kid(s) unless you’re sure you want them. Who wants to be a kid who isn’t truly wanted? FWIW, I never really made a decision about this because I’ve always known in my bones that I wanted to be a mom, and if I hadn’t had a baby (at age 43) it would have been one of the great tragedies of my life. Others come at this decision completely differently. My DH, for example, was happy to try for a baby, but also would have been happy to stay childfree. So it is possible to want a child but also think you’ll be content without one. If both partners feel that way, my advice would be not to deliberately have a child. If only one partner feels that way and the other partner very much wanted a child (which was our situation), it can work out nicely: DH has turned out to be a devoted dad; our DD10 has him wrapped around her little finger. When I teased him recently (as I frequently do), “Aren’t you glad I forced you to get married and have a baby?” he told me that he found fatherhood profoundly fulfilling. (!). That took my breath away, since he’s not usually one for such pronouncements. Of course, YMMV; just providing food for thought.
TOTALLY VALID LIFE CHOICE.
signed, has appointment to get sterilized next month.
Absolutely okay, valid, and wonderful to know that you don’t want them. I have never wanted kids and it’s made some things harder (long-term relationships have ended over the issue where he wanted them and I didn’t; family can be judgy; friends can be judgy) but it’s my life and I do not want to live one with my own kids in the picture. I am really happy and don’t regret my choice for a second.
Totally ok. And I have always thought that selfish reasons are the best reasons for having or not having kids. If I could pick a parent for a child and one person would say, “I really want to raise a child, I feel that my life is not complete to me without this experience” and the other person would say, “I don’t really want to raise a child but I feel compelled to do so out of altriusm,” that would be an easy choice.
W/r/t/ family and friends, it is REALLY hard to deal with that when you just don’t know. If you don’t want kids, people will eventually accept that (although many who are parents will probably try for a long time to convince you you’re missing out on something incredible, but I often suspect that’s at least in part to validate their own choices). But if you don’t know whether you want them, people will constantly ask you whether you have made up your mind, tell you your clock is ticking, etc. It’s tough because I have found that this is really about what you feel and you may never get clarity on this.
You ride right? Would you rather spend your money on a baby or a horse? If that helps frame it in your mind. On the one hand, there’s nothing selfish about not wanting kids. On the other, no, you don’t need to finish a renovation first. Babies be tiny. The beat advice I’ve heard is to picture yourself at retirement- do you see kids there?
Yes, it’s totally fine not to want kids. And if you don’t, people should be supportive that you acknowledge that and not trying to pressure you into it.
However, if you do decide you want kids it is also totally fine to put them in daycare while you are at work. You will not scar them for life, and honestly, the idea of “why have kids if you are going to put them in the care of strangers” has always pissed me off. First of all, no one would suggest that a single mom working several jobs to make ends meet is somehow not doing right by her children because she has someone else watching them during the day (OK, I’m sure someone would say that, but they are a real jerk). The idea that if you are fortunate enough to have a choice of whether or not to work your choice reflects how much you love your kids or how good a parent you are is bs, and no one would ever make that comment to a working father.
Also, I spend lots of quality time with my kids in the evening and on the weekends. The real question is whether you can see yourself enjoying spending most (not all) of your free time this way. Anon 8 – you don’t sound horrible. I think you make a very good point. While it gets tedious at times, I love watching my kids play sports and they are generally a lot of fun to be around. If that sounds like a special level of hell for you, you are probably making a wise decision. I will mention one other thing – before I had kids, I didn’t love other people’s kids. I didn’t dislike being around them, but I wasn’t crazy for them either. It is different when it’s your own kids, especially when you raise your kids to behave in public so they are not (usually) that kid screaming in the restaraunt.
Just wanted to chime in with my story, cause I think I feel really similarly. I’m 30, currently a 5th-year associate in Biglaw. DH is a doctor with 5 years of residency left (plus perhaps fellowship). We are the same age (married 1.5 years), and neither of us is anywhere near ready to give up any of the freedom that we currently have to have kids. I see the photos of my friends with kids of Facebook and think, “wow, that looks really scary and like so much work and not much fun.” DH and I also see lots of friends who struggle financially trying to juggle daycare/student loans/mortgage/car/trips to visit family, and we want to avoid that struggle if we can by delaying kids.
Our plan for now is to throw all extra money to student loans and have them paid off by the end of 2015 (when we’d be 32). Then we can save a little nest egg and be able to hire a nanny and move into a bigger place and buy a bigger car by the time we’d have a baby sometime in 2016 or 2017 (when we’ll be 33 or 34), when presumably we’d be emotionally ready. Between Biglaw and residency we definitely won’t have a parent who can commit to normal daycare hours, and we think we’ll need my (unfortunately no-part-time-allowed) Biglaw job to support our high cost of living area, to which we are tied for DH’s residency.
But then… I just found out I got an interview for my dream job. It would involve a 40% paycut, and would be for only 2 years, but the prestige from the position would likely allow me to easily find another dream position after that. Only thing is, I wouldn’t be making enough to pay down my loans so fast as we’d planned–they’d be paid off at the normal rate, by the end of 2018, when we’ll be 35. I’d also be putting myself in a position to start a new job in 2016, which is the same year we’d tentatively talked about having a baby, and don’t know what kind of maternity leave I could count on.
I think I have to take the dream job if I get it. But then I almost feel like we’ll have to wait until we’re 35 to have a baby if we don’t want to deal with insane amounts of stress (lack of money for a nanny (so, committed to daycare hours), small living space, small car, far away from family (so, no one to help for free), lack of money to buy plane tickets to visit family, etc.). And I think I’d be fine with that, since neither DH nor I are ready emotionally at this point, and it’d be just a year or two more. With that said, I feel So. Much. Pressure. from my parents/DH’s parents/my Grandma/our friends/society in general to not wait that long, since I might risk my fertility and would deny our parents years with their grandchildren (we’re both the oldest and only married of our siblings). I read the recent “Atlantic” article about how 35 is not the fertility cliff that it’s often been portrayed as, and I have also read pieces about how much longer everyone is living than anyone expected, so I’m okay with waiting. But how do I stop the pressure?? I feel it every day, everywhere I go.
Anyway, SoCalAtty, I don’t have any advice for you, but I feel you. I think this is an evolving thing. You don’t have to be committed to never having kids if you just don’t want them now. My feeling is that even if you change your mind too late to get pregnant naturally, you’ll still find a way to have a family if you really want one.
Leaving aside the questions of renovation (not a must-do pre-baby) and emergency fund (good idea in any case but save up fast!), the bigger question is whether you (and your husband) want kids. Hope my experience helps.
My DH and I got married at 25 and waited several years to have one.
My reasoning was that (a) while I always wanted to have some eventually** (b) I never wanted to have any just right then, because [work was too intense/we were in a long distance marriage for a bit/DH was going back to grad school/insert reason of choice].
** Lets start with (a). The retirement test worked for me. I asked myself how I imagined my retirement, and I always, my whole life, had imagined being like my grandmother – who retired after a rich life of teaching, with kids and grandkids close by, reaping the rewards of her wonderful kindnesses to all and being surrounded by the warmth that she generated. So I knew I wanted kids. I couldn’t imagine spending my retirement just me and DH.
While I liked kids in general (nieces, nephews, and cute ones only, not the whiny ones in restaurants,and not friends’ kids who wouldn’t respond to me and showed no interest in interacting with me, or were rude to me), I definitely balked at the time and effort it took to raise them. Plus – (b) I never thought I was ready to have them right now. Because I was too ‘selfish’ (it is selfish to have kids too by the way. And it’s selfish to not have kids. Pretty much everything we do in life is selfish. Anthropologists theorize that even charity work is selfish in that it satisfies some deep-seated need in us.)
BUT – I came to the conclusion that if I wanted them eventually, I may as well have them now (when I was 31, we were financially stable and not long distance but I didnt feel mentally ready for them). I didn’t want to be an older parent with the physical and mental struggle it can entail (based on a couple I know), plus possible fertility issues, and high-risk babies.
It is a lot of work, especially in the first year. My kid is two and I work harder than ever, with very little relaxation time when I’m not sleeping. No more coming home from work, eating dinner in front of the tv and binge-watching Netflix. But there are many daily joys and curiosities and little delightful incidents – which will only grow while the work shrinks.
TL;DR – Having a kid is a lot of work, and is not for everyone. But in weighing the decision, think long-term. If you do envision kids in your future, (+you have a solid marriage and are reasonably financially secure) consider having them early and not waiting for the perfect moment.
I wouldn’t base the decision of whether to have kids on what your daycare options are right now. All your other concerns, yes, but daycare is a service to be purchased and it changes as you go along and your situation changes, your child grows, etc. My kids are in middle school now and it feels as if the daycare years passed in a second. We had a nanny and a shared nanny and then we moved and found an in-home daycare and preschool, and things changed as necessary. Nothing is set in stone and before you know it, your kids are babysitting other peoples’ kids and spend their days and nights on their own activities (with friends, overnight camp, etc.). I don’t know if this is helpful; just sharing the perspective 15 years down the road. For me, the diaper-changing time is a blur, and now I have these fun, independent, engaging middle schoolers who ride their bikes to the pool to meet their friends, and I’m working full time and have a rewarding career — it all happened so quickly, and I’m glad I didn’t let the overwhelming nature of the baby days prevent me from having these wonderful relationships now. We’re a few short years away from college, and I’m happy to throw myself into my career, but it’s bittersweet because I am going to miss these days with my kids so much.
This. It’s probably hard to see when ours on the outside looking in, but honestly having kids is a freaking blast. Is it hard some times, especially when they’re babies? Sure. But so were lots of other things that you did at some point in your life (like going to law school or being a first year associate). But at some point they turn into these fascinating, complex human beings, and you get to be a big part of it.
I think only you and your H can really answer the question “do you want kids.” The difficulty is distinguishing between an emphatic “no” and “well, yes, it just seems pretty hard to do it.” If it’s the latter, you are going to regret not going for it now and looking back in 15 years and remembering that you gave up having kids because your house needed renovation or because you wanted to work an extra couple of hours a day. You can totally do all of those things – keep your dream job, get a better house, pursue financial security – with a baby. You’ll find a way to make it work. People with less money than you, people in more intense jobs than yours (I’m just assuming you’re not the President here ;) ), people with smaller houses than you, all have had babies and things have turned out to be a-ok.
It will not be OK though if your husband is not actively working on being a 50% partner or if he’s not on board with having a baby. You said he’s in therapy, but if it’s not improving you need to start exploring other solutions. If the two of you decide that you do want kids, you need to make this your top priority.
Also, mentally tell the daycare-haters to shove it. You shouldn’t be having a kid just because you lack daytime entertainment or something; you do it because you want to help shape the life of a member of the next generation. That can 100% be done while sending your child to daycare. I say this as a successful 20-something who was in full time daycare and after-school care since I was 10 months (FWIW, the woman who ran our small daycare out of her home and her family practically became a part of our family – she is like a second mom to me and they became my parents’ closest friends).
I have a career I love and a son. It helps that my husband works at home so he is always home to supervise homework and make dinner. I do think that if you can keep from having your baby in daycare for an extended period of time it is better. More than 8 hours is too much for them to be in that kind of structure, in my opinion.
WOW!! Thanks everyone for these comments. Very, very helpful and gave me lots of different perspectives on how to even answer the “do I want kids” question.
I’m definitely saving all of these to read again! I have a lot of thinking to do, but the invisible 33 year old cliff I was imagining maybe isn’t really there so much as I think it is.
Anne Shirley had a good point – would I rather spend it on a horse, or a baby? Right now? A horse!! But I’ve also decided to sell my jumper to accelerate paying off debt, so maybe that’s not the real answer. I don’t know. Going to have to think about it some more! But at least with all of these different ideas (and reassurances about day care / staffing up for baby being ok!) I have some perspective.
I will just say this, as a parent of a 13 year old.
First, even if you have kids, the comments from others won’t stop. Whatever you do, there will be some reason someone thinks it’s wrong. I thought multiple people were going to have heart failure because I only wanted one. WORST PARENT EVER TO NOT GIVE HIM SIBLINGS!! (Because that’s like a totally valid reason to bring more humans into the world).He seems fine, thanks.
Second, NO MATTER what you choose, kids or no kids, there will be regrets. Which ever path you take, that means some OTHER path is NO LONGER AN OPTION. If you don’t have them, you will wonder what this or that would have been like with them. You’ll wonder if you’re missing out on something. If you do have them, there will be things you can’t do and places you can’t go, opportunities you will not be able to take. Either way, there’s a whole life you won’t have. EITHER WAY.
So don’t let either of those things influence your decision. It is not remotely selfish to not want children. I fail to see any logic in that idea. ANY. It’s selfish to not want to bring into the world more people to use more resources when you don’t even really feel the desire to have them? That’s totally illogical, and I think people who say that need a swift kick upside the head, frankly. HAVING children is generally a far more “selfish” choice if we’re being honest, because most people have kids a) because they WANT them and b) to ‘carry on the family’. Both totally ‘selfish’ reasons, though not BAD or NEGATIVE reasons, they have nothing to do with anyone outside the family/self. Nobody has kids because they think “oh, I’m going to create some people to benefit the earth and society”. Please.
What do you all do for financial planning? My husband and I have a new baby and just want to talk to someone in terms of whether we’re on the right track with insurance, retirement, college and other planning. We talked to a couple guys that just seem a little skeevy and in asking around for recs, no one seems to really love theirs. Is this just the way it is?
I’m trying to figure this out too. I met with a couple financial advisors and it was a waste of time–I don’t have the kind of money where I really need to manage multiple investments.
I’ve started reading a ton of personal finance blogs and I think I’m starting to figure it out. It’s really intimidating to figure out whether you’re “on track” or not–some of the blogs like mr money mustache talk about saving 50% of your income, which is really not an option for me.
I am curious about the flat-fee planners that are actually like money therapists. I’ve seen a few names on yelp and am thinking about meeting with one. Has anyone worked with someone like that?
I find MMM to be helpful only for the occasional tip and to put myself back in big-picture mentality when I want to deviate from my budget for something dumb. It’s too extreme to practically apply to my life. The Motley Fool, Get Rich Slowly, Marketplace Money podcast (though its quality has declined lately IMO), Your Money section of NYT are my favorites. What are the other blogs you read?
No personal experience with flat fee planners though.
I love my financial advisor at Edward Jones. I have a private (not-work sponsored) IRA that she manages, but she also helps us talk about savings and insurance options. My mortgage was through Edward Jones too.
I also highly recommend “Nice Girls Don’t Get Rich,” the followup to NGDGTCO, by Lois Frankel. If you are new to financial information, Suze Orman’s book “The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous, and Broke” is also good.
I’m very lucky to have a high school friend that is a CPA / financial advisor managing a midsized branch of a CPA and wealth management firm. He has all of my personal financial “stuff” and is now getting my husband’s corporate stuff, so husband can work on being a partner rather than drowning in paperwork. It is nice to find someone you are very comfortable with and also has an office with staff to do things!
SQUEE – I just got a call from a federal district court judge offering me a clerkship for 2014-1015 (I’m a rising 3L). I’m thrilled!! That said, I’m also a little freaked out because the clerkship is 3ish hours away from my town, where my DH has a great job and where I plan to return to practice. DH is completely supportive of us doing long-distance for the year in order for me to take advantage of the opportunity… but it’s a lot to take in!
I know a lot of you all have lived apart from SOs for job opportunities (and many a lot farther than 3 hours). Any suggestions or just success stories to share?
Move to a location in the middle?
Congratulations! The clerkship will be worth it!
Congratulations! I’ve been living apart (cross country) from my husband for the entire duration of our marriage for work reasons and we have almost a year left. It’s not ideal but its doable, and 3 hours (driving?) apart is a whole different situation. I’m assuming you would be able to see each other most, if not all, weekends. Not exactly a typical marriage but not really a “long distance relationship.” Since most couples with demanding jobs don’t see too much of it either during the week, you might not even really find yourself sad about the distance. And email, Skype, etc have changed LDRs a lot and made it easier to feel a lot more connected. Living in the middle is also a possibility, although I would definitely try to get a sense of the hours expectation of your job before you commit to this. A 3 hour daily round-trip commute would be tough on top of a 40 hour a week job, it would be unbearable (in my opinion) on top of a 60 hour a week job.
A federal clerkship is a huge thing to have on your resume, so I hope you will not give up the opportunity because of the short-term long distance. I really, really regret not doing one (or I should say, not applying, since its not like I was offered one that I turned down). And I’m in Biglaw, so its not like I wish I had one for purposes of getting a better job. I just think it would have been an amazing experience.
I second this – I applied for a ton of clerkships and didn’t get one. I am hard-pressed to think of a sacrifice I wouldn’t be willing to make if it meant I could have one.
My SO and I are separated by about 2 hours right now and I will admit it has been difficult; in my situation, I feel he’s not being fair about doing his share of traveling…so you and your husband should have a talk about the logistics of how this will work, who will travel, if you sometimes want to meet somewhere in the middle, how you will pay for the travel expenses (my SO and I have totally separate finances, which contributes to why this is a problem for us; I don’t really want to ask him for gas money but I am the one traveling 90% of the time and he’s the one with more money, but my schedule is more conducive to travel, etc…so I am conflicted about it and this is an example of the kind of problem that comes up, but I realize it might not be your issue since you are married).
CONGRATULATIONS!!
I’d suggest finding a place to rent in the new place and then swapping visits. Going home will keep you in touch with your future market and seeing your DH.
I agree that renting two separate places makes more sense. I’ve been living in the middle for a few years, and it’s hard for both my husband and me to be very connected in the places where we both work. You can use the time when you would be commuting to get work done ahead of the weekend, work out, connect with other clerks, and sleep.
Anyone machine wash The Skirt with success? I got something that will stain on mine and am worried about getting it out before I have time to take it to the dry cleaners.
I’ve never dry cleaned mine. They’ve all held up fine so far!
Does anyone have any recs for: 1) noise-cancelling headphones, 2) music to play on them to block out my loud coworkers but still lets me concentrate (specific stuff, not just genres, please), and 3) any other general tips for someone transitioning from my own office to cubicle-land? Thank you!
Noise-cancelling headphones work best on low frequency, continuous sounds. That is, they’ll do a great job blocking out the nosie from a fan but will not work on your coworkers’ conversations. I have a ~$50 pair from Sony which I use on the treadmill; I got them from either amazon or overstock (don’t remember). There are $200-$300 noise cancellation headphones which are better, but for me it wasn’t worth the additional cost.
This is my fear as well… Not sure if I can justify a Bose or similar quality pair at the moment, but I’m also finding it impossible to get work done in a conversation-filled environment. I’m hoping there is a happy medium. Thanks for your input.
Bose are around $300, but IMO totally worth it. They block out footsteps, blasting TV, and loud conversations from the upstairs neighbor. SO also uses them in cube land to block out a noisy co-worker. You might want to try them out first because they create the feeling of pressure on your ears- some people don’t like this.
Like bananagram said, they work on constant sounds the best, but they do block conversation if you are playing music as well. Get a white noise app or try out music labelled “drone” or “ambient.” Specific bands: Stars of the Lid, A Winged Victory for the Sullen. I also like cellists like Zoe Keating and Yo-Yo Ma.
The classical stations on Pandora work for this. (Sorry, thats not super specific.)
We also have a local college radio station that plays indie music. I’m old, and indie music all sounds kind of the same to me. So that works for me too. Same with jazz.
For a cube, try positioning your desk so you face away from folks walking by your cube. That cuts down on distractions. (But if you surf the Internet at work, you don’t want people to see your screen either.)
For me, the most annoying part about cubicle noise isn’t the noise level itself, but that I subconsciously try to listen in on all the conversations around me. It steals a lot of focus and energy. Often, plain old ear plugs (soft silicone kind of christmas tree-looking ones) block out enough so that I am unable to even guess what people are saying, and that helps a lot.
I also turned my desk 90° so that it’s facing the area where people walk by. That way, any movement is in my immediate field of vision instead of at the corner of my eye, and that is actually less distracting! I do have a screen that goes up to a few inches above my monitor though.
Yes! Find a way to position your monitor / desk to whatever position you find least distracting. It might take a little while but at my first job, I sat with my back to where people would walk by – I did that for almost a year. And I spent a year looking like a paranoid weirdo because I would often turn and sketchily glance at people over my shoulder because I’d see them out of the corner of my eye. Don’t be me! :)
I like my audiotechnica ones and got them on overstock when they were on sale for about $220 (not cheap, but I fly a lot, and it helps me get sleep/rest)
I’m a rising 2L and interesting in hearing some advice from the attorneys here!
I’m in Boston (at BU/BC) with strong MA ties and looking to stay here. Second choice would be Providence, then other places in New England. My grades are just below top third/ I have a highly ranked journal, a lot of activities and leadership roles in law school, and work experience in business and law. I’d put in more info, but I don’t want to be totally obvious about who I am.
I’ve applied to OCI, though I don’t expect much from it. I’ve done networking and am good at following up but not continuing beyond the first or second follow up (after a coffee meeting or such). I’m planning on sending out a mailing to firms (BigLaw and some midsized) later this month, with more (mid-sized and small) in August or September.
I’m interested in any advice you may have, especially:
-thoughts about timing of mailing (and how to figure out which mid-sized to send when)
-any ideas of specific ways to look into more firms and opportunities
-ways to follow up after following up
-interview tips
-general information on the 2L job search
I’m not putting the specific areas I’m interested in since I already think I may have put out enough information to identify myself. It’s nothing litigation or real estate, though.
Thanks in advance!
I was not pleased with my grades or my class rank going into OCI, and ended up getting nothing from it. As soon as I realized I was getting zero interviews, I downloaded the most recent AM300 list of law firms that I could find. I crossed off all the firms I applied to through OCI, then started (from the bottom/smallest) looking up every.single.firm on the list and if they (a) had a 2L summer program (b) in my desired location (c) in my desired field, I applied. I sent ~100 apps, got very few interviews, but one turned into my current summer job. I started in July/August before 2L and finished by September. Good luck!
PS. Sorry, I just noticed you asked for advice from lawyers. I’m not a lawyer. I’m a rising 3L. Hope you find my comment useful anyway!
Thanks! Advice from 3Ls is also welcome – I was really just trying to specify the field for advice.
I’m planning on getting a few lists like that (not positive where) in addition to the ones I have that have employed and/or interviewed students from my school in past years. I’m in the process of compiling and hope to send out the list later this month. That sounds in line with what you are saying – phew!
I’m not expecting anything from OCI (but it seems like a good thing to do, even if all I get out of it is interview practice), so I want to be proactive on the rest!
Also, congratulations on finding something – and pretty quickly!
Thanks again!
Well my love affair with Amazon is officially over. I’ve pretty much been their biggest fan for the past several years but I am soo thoroughly annoyed right now. I ordered something last Sunday (free Super Saver shipping) and the status is still “Order received… it should leave our facility in the next few hours to a few day.” I called to complain because as a marketplace seller you are required to ship within 2 days of receiving an order and I said they should adhere to the same. The guy I was talking to kept repeating the shipping option and stating it was still within the shipping window. I told him he wasn’t addressing my question, which was why they require sellers to ship in 2 days but don’t do the same themselves. He repeated the same as before. Then later I get an email on how to become a seller at Amazon. Very helpful… not!
That really surprises me! Amazon have literally had the best customer service of my life, to the point where I basically get everything from them. I would call up again and complain about the entire interaction and the person who served you. My guess is they will come back groveling.
+1
And may I just say I am super loving Amazon today. I ordered a book and when it arrived it turned out I’d ordered the wrong one — there are several books with the same title and I’d inadvertently purchased one I didn’t want instead of the one I did want. I clicked “return,” thinking I’d have to pay return shipping because it was my mistake, and got a message saying “we are refunding your credit card but because you are such a good customer you can keep the book anyway.” Super Amazon love.
I’ve never loved nor hated Amazon, though I do have their rewards credit card I got back in my undergrad days.
Usually their shipping and customer service is decent, but not with my most recent order. I ordered a bike rack, and they shipped it to the wrong STATE. Granted, I live in Maryland and they delivered it to Virginia, but according to both Amazon and USPS there’s not much I can do about this until USPS sends the package back to Amazon to sort it out. My package was supposed to be here two weeks ago…
Call them. I ordered a book and accidentally sent it to an address that was my old office. There is an oil company there now.
A few weeks later, I called them. I told them it went to a wrong address. They sent me a new book, priority mail, to my new address.
I like the customer service of Amazon themselves, but the Marketplace people are not as reliable.
The problem with the super saver shipping is that they use those items to fill what would otherwise be empty space on trucks that aren’t quite full. That’s the reason it takes so long for it to leave the warehouse. I got so annoyed with it and hate paying shipping fees that I wound up getting a Prime account. It more than paid for itself within the first month.
This. Super Saver Shipping is slow. That’s why it’s free.
If you order a ton from them, get Prime. I can’t say there’s a causal connection, but I’ve been a Prime member for 5+ years and always received fantastic customer service. One example: once FedEx couldn’t get into my gated complex on a Saturday when I’d paid the extra fee for Saturday delivery. I noticed the rescheduled delivery and contacted Amazon just to ask for a refund of that extra fee, and the rep took the initiative to ask FedEx to divert his route and come back so I could still get my package on Saturday.
Their frontline customer service sucks!!!
I’m a legal assistant at a very small law firm, and I’m making $42,000 a year. My six month review (which has potential for a raise) is coming up soon. I know that my salary is pretty standard, but here’s the thing:
When I was hired, I was told that I would be doing support, research, drafting, etc. for one attorney. In the past four months, I have consistently done large amounts of work for three attorneys. I’m currently working on a huge closing that occupies most of my time, taking care of every closing statement for an associate, assisting with litigation, and drafting all the agreements/leases/contracts my boss doesn’t have time for. I’m excited to get the experience, and I’m appreciative that my coworkers and boss think highly enough of me to give me this many responsibilities, but I feel like I should be compensated more if I’m going to effectively work as the legal assistant to multiple attorneys.
Am I totally off base in thinking this? And, if not, how do I bring up a raise at my review?
Also, I live in NYC, and after taxes, my rent is half my monthly paycheck so the past few months have been a financial struggle, and saving has been almost impossible.
“Boss, as you know, when I was hired, I was told I would be working for only one attorney. Since I’ve started, I’ve consistently done work for three attorneys. I enjoy the work but feel my salary doesn’t match the amount and quality of work I do.”
Alternatively, use this firm to get experience and start applying to larger firms (where you’ll make significantly more) after 1yr.
Do you have to work longer hours because you are working for three attorneys? If you still work 9-5 (or whatever standard assistant hours are), I don’t think the fact that you are working for three attorneys rather than one merits a higher salary. Your time is spoken for either way, and the number of people you support is irrelevant to that. However, if you need to work longer to do all of your work, that is an issue that may warrant a raise.
I think what you may want to focus on, instead of the number of people you work for, is the nature of the work you are doing — how you have taken on more responsibility in your job, and how you are producing high quality work. You can then approach your boss and say that your salary isn’t commensurate with your level of responsibility and the quality of your work product. (I might add that you are working for three attorneys instead of one as a postscript to this argument, just to underscore how you are going above and beyond and still doing great quality work.)
Good luck!
Thanks to anon and Monte for the suggestions! I have been working longer hours…for the past month or so I’ve been logging at least 50 hours per week, but more usually it’s between 60-70. The work I do isn’t only support work for the attorneys, but taking on clients that they are too busy for. I like your suggestion of pointing out the quality and nature of work as opposed to just the number of people I’m working under.
Thanks again!
You’re salaried? That sounds weird. I would check state law. Sounds like you should perhaps be paid hourly, in which case you would be getting a 25%-75% raise + overtime.
Does anyone have any experience with project management certification? I was thinking about signing up for it because I’ve been seeing a lot of job postings for it and I think it might be a good way to take myself to the next level. Is the certification necessary? Or is this something that can also be demonstrated by experience? Just wondering.
I work in an industry where we frequently use contract PMs for specific projects. To be honest, the PMP plays into hiring decisions very little. I would never bring on someone who was PMP certified but didn’t have any experience in project management. Conversely, I wouldn’t hesitate even a little bit to hire someone with a strong track record but no PMP.
A PMP would be valuable if you were looking to, as you say, go to “the next level”. So, a PMP alone is probably unlikely to be the magic ticket to a project management role, but it would be a good way to get your foot in the door to start managing some smaller projects, and build your experience.
If you have quite a bit of experience but are discounting the jobs because they mention PMP certification, go for it anyway. Some companies might be sticklers for having it but plenty of others will be open to someone without it.
That’s pretty much what I suspected. Thank you!
Any realtor recs for Philadelphia/
Maggie Aiello from Prudential Fox and Roach. I and several of my friends have used her and she is fantastic. Very knowledgable and honest, not pushy at all.
Thanks!
Dress shopping challenge- Early August wedding in ME, ceremony in early afternoon, no dress code mentioned. I am a size 10 and have kind of a tummy. I will link to some AT dresses I am looking at, but worry a sheath dress is too casual. Would like to spend less than 100 though.
this one http://www.anntaylor.com/all-season-stretch-seamed-sheath-dress/299204?colorExplode=false&skuId=13172930&catid=cata000047&productPageType=saleProducts&defaultColor=6600 in the pink color
this one http://www.loft.com/textured-lace-bodice-full-skirt-dress/298975?colorExplode=false&skuId=13896096&catid=catl000054&productPageType=saleProducts&defaultColor=5721 in the red color
this http://www.loft.com/crepe-shift-dress/310952?colorExplode=false&skuId=14037689&catid=catl000054&productPageType=saleProducts&defaultColor=1370 but I am open to any and all suggestions! I probably need shoes too actually, I never wear heels
Of the ones you linked to, I like the second one best. The first one is a little boring, but it is versatile – you could dress it up with fancy jewelry for a nice event or wear it to work.
What about some prints?
http://www.anntaylor.com/floral-print-asymmetric-neck-dress/308382?colorExplode=false&skuId=13732707&catid=cata000047&productPageType=saleProducts&defaultColor=1618
http://www.anntaylor.com/falling-petals-sheath-dress/300831?colorExplode=false&skuId=13303433&catid=cata000047&productPageType=saleProducts&defaultColor=2661 (I’ve wanted this one for a long time actually but they haven’t had it in my size!)
Ooh these are both super cute!
A sheath is not too casual for any Northern New England wedding. I like the purple seamed sheath dress. Have fun!
I’ve found the Lauren Ralph Lauren line of jersey dresses to be comfortable, flattering, and easy to dress up or down for weddings and other parties. I have a few that are my go-tos.
This one is available in your size for under $100, but the best sale price is today only:
http://www1.macys.com/shop/product/lauren-ralph-lauren-dress-sleeveless-ruched?ID=867057&CategoryID=5449&LinkType=#fn=BRAND%3DLauren%20Ralph%20Lauren%26DRESS_OCCASION%3DGuest%20of%20Wedding%26SIZE%3D10%26sp%3D1%26spc%3D31%26ruleId%3D65%26slotId%3D3
The color is pretty, and the ruching would be kind to your tummy.
The Limited has some cute options:
http://www.thelimited.com/product/side-bow-dress/3318867.html?ppid=c46&start=46&dwvar_3318867_colorCode=150&cgid=dresses
http://www.thelimited.com/product/obr-striped-ponte-dress/3318842.html?ppid=c18&start=18&dwvar_3318842_colorCode=250&cgid=dresses
And Anthro too:
http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/clothes-dresses/26872358.jsp
http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/clothes-dresses/28557700.jsp?color=009
http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/product/clothes-dresses/28120350.jsp
Hi – I am in a very long distance relationship with someone I went to school with as a kid and reconnected with half a year ago. We have been in constant communication since we reconnected and have spent a total of seven days together but are very serious about each other and feel like we know each other very well due to our shared past. However, because we can’t see each other very often, I get lonely. He has made clear that he would prefer that I don’t see anyone else and I am basically okay with that. Is it okay for me to go out on casual dates with other guys without telling him as I know it would hurt him if he knew and I really don’t want to do anything to hurt him but I am also lonely?
Clearly you are not “basically ok” with not seeing anyone else if you are asking whether you can see other guys. It is not at all OK to lie to someone who you appear to be in an exclusive relationship with. If you really are just craving human interaction without anything romantic or sexual, go make some friends. Join meetup groups, get involved in the community, etc. But if you crave something more than you need to be up front about expressing your wishes to have a more open relationship.
No, it’s not okay. Hanging out with friends (non romantically) is fine, but if you are going on “casual dates” after telling someone else you are exclusive, that’s inappropriate. Either end the relationship with LDR guy and enjoy total dating freedom, end the casual dates and stick with LDR guy, or rediscuss boundaries with LDR guy so you are both on the same page.
I’d ask you why do you get lonely? In what way? Are you lonely in missing your boyfriend? Otherwise, make more friends (perhaps of the female persuasion? he he he) and try to see if involving yourself in hobbies and with like-minded people helps things. Otherwise, remember that it is okay to feel loneliness sometimes and try not to dwell on it. It will, as everything else, pass.
If you really *want* to be in this relationship, I’d say it’s really worth it to do whatever you can to keep it honest and going.
Can you tell us why you think casual dates would ameliorate your loneliness? Wouldn’t friendships do this much better?
Also, it’s kind of unfair to the guys you are going on these “casual dates” with, i f they think there’s a chance at a real relationship and you are just passing time with them, alleviating your loneliness.
I agree with the other poster’s here. You have to make a choice. You should NOT cheat. Either have an exclusive releationship with the guy long distance, or NOT. You should NOT be dateing other’s b/c that will cause you to lie to your b/f, and also the guy’s you are casueally dateing will be hopeing that they will be abel to have sex with you so they will do alot more for you then if you were just out as freind’s.
I think alot of men do this to us, say they are just going out with the guy’s, when they are tryeing to see if any other women will do more then casueally date them. I know lots of women who’s guy’s said this but were busy with women who helped them get over their lonleeness and had oral sex with them. I would NOT trust a guy who doe’s this. FOOEY!
Dont get me started on that b/c there were many guy’s who wanted to have sex with me but when I said NO WAY, they said OK, just oral sex then, b/c that is not sexueal intercourse. I disagreed b/c while I agreed and know it is not sexueal intercourse, I did NOT want to have to do that with their weenie’s b/c I did NOT even know them. FOOEY on that!
I think we women should be honorable, and not play those games. It is fine to do thing’s with your boyfreind other then sexueal intercourse, but these guy’s are not even your boyfreind, and it is not good to lead them on and give them oral sex when you already have a boyfreind for that. Mabye the L/D thing is to much b/c you do NOT sound comitted to him. Tell him you are not able to be exclusive, then you can do thing’s with men and not feel guilty.
After you first started living with your SO, did you have any trouble adjusting to being in the same house but doing separate things? I am not even an especially needy person, but I am finding the change hitting me kind of hard. You know what I mean – previously, when we’d be together for a week or something, it was always a “special” time, so we’d spend literally 24/7 together and be out and about a lot. Now, I just feel like things are so much more “blah” – busy and errands and doing things at home separately (computer, TV, read, etc.). Any thoughts, please? And thanks.
Yes, I very much had that feeling at first. In my experience, it was a shift that I had to adjust to, because all of a sudden all of the mundane aspects of everyday life were introduced into my relationship and it seemed to make everything a lot less exciting.
But after a little while–only a week or two–things sort of fell into place. I know that that’s really ambiguous, so I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful. I remember one night me and my now-fiance were in bed reading together and I looked over and him and I felt really satisfied and just…happy. I think there can be something pretty special about sharing even the most boring and at times grueling parts of your day with someone else. But I’m also a hopeless romantic. Just my $.02.
I’ve always believed that you are most comfortable and happy with someone with there is no such thing as “uncomfortable silence”. Whenever you have to talk or do something to fill a void then a void does exist. When everything is great without doing anything at all or trying anything new, it really is great. Those mundane or boring things you do at home with your SO means that you are both content to be with each other. You are happy to be with your SO even if there’s nothing going on.
So, thoughts on Nelson v. Knight?
Can’t believe the kid who plays Finn on Glee died.
Went to a wedding yesterday and couldn’t believe that one of the guests wore a white strapless dress (with a teal belt, but still!). I’ve heard people talk about this happening, but I honestly didn’t think it still happened! I don’t believe in many wedding rules, but I see why this one exists — the white dress really does run the risk of upstaging the bride. Thoughts?
I don’t think it risks upstaging the bride, to be honest – there was a girl who wore a white lace dress to my wedding and it definitely made me laugh, but I’m pretty sure she didn’t “upstage” me and my husband and our families in any way. It just looks a little tone deaf and clueless. Or possibly kind of self-centred. But someone’s white cocktail dress is never going to match up to an actual wedding dress, unless it’s a more casual dressed-down type of wedding.
Completely agree with Marilla. I have yet to go to a wedding so informal that I didn’t know precisely who the bride was or ran the risk of mixing her up with someone else. If someone was wearing a white dress with a train or a big taffeta skirt, I could see the chance for confusion. But in most cases, it won’t really be an issue. But yeah, it is a little tone deaf.
i hate being a research assistant. should i quit law school?
Not necessarily. It depends on what you hate about it. I hated it too, but I was just bored with academia. Working in the field is more interesting to me. It’s very stressful and frustrating at times but definitely not boring.