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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
As workplaces become more and more casual, I’m seeing fewer pencil skirts and more flowy midis. This silk and cotton blend skirt from Casasola will go nicely from winter to spring.
This winter, I’d pair it with a chunky ivory turtleneck and brown knee-high boots. Come spring, I’d add a brighter top and some fun shoes.
The skirt is $1,335 at Net-a-Porter and comes in Italian sizes 36–46.
A couple of more affordable options are this asymmetrical pleated skirt from Ted Baker London, on sale for $177 (marked down from $295), and this plus-size pleated skirt from Lauren Ralph Lauren, which is on sale for $82.50 (originally $165).
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Sales of note for 10.24.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Friends of Ann Event, 30% off! Suits are included in the 30% off!
- Banana Republic Factory – 40-60% off everything, and redeem Stylecash!
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – Friends & Family event, 30% off sitewide.
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Up to 30% off on new arrivals
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off entire purchase, plus free shipping no minimum
- White House Black Market – Buy more, save more; buy 3+ get an extra 50% off
Sales of note for 10.24.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Friends of Ann Event, 30% off! Suits are included in the 30% off!
- Banana Republic Factory – 40-60% off everything, and redeem Stylecash!
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – Friends & Family event, 30% off sitewide.
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Up to 30% off on new arrivals
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off entire purchase, plus free shipping no minimum
- White House Black Market – Buy more, save more; buy 3+ get an extra 50% off
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
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Anon
I’m way too short to wear this length of skirt, but that wrap top is calling my name!
Ribena
I love how sculptural it is! It kind of reminds me of a top a classmate designed in high school when we were given a design task inspired by the Sydney Opera House.
Anon
I looked, thinking I might splurge on the top, but it looks so different on the website that I decided against it.
bbb
I couldn’t find it on Net a Porter. Where did you find it?
Anokha
I think it’s the “The Fonteyn off-the-shoulder ruched ribbed stretch-jersey thong bodysuit” by Goldsign. It comes in black and white and is $248.
Anonymous
$#%! Why do companies insist on making a thong bodysuit? I’d much rather have a comfortable granny panty body suit.
Anon
On the other hand, I much prefer a thong.
anonamouse
FWIW, I think it’s just poor styling on the top’s own page. It’s pulled very far down off the shoulder, which makes it look bunchy and lumpy instead of artfully draped like it does on the page for the skirt, where it goes over the shoulders.
Anon
Maybe, but the off the shoulder look is the way the top appears on the website, both off and on the model, and in both colors. It makes me think the appearance styled with the skirt might be the outlier, alas.
Emma
I’m shortish (5.4) and curvy and bought a similar skirt last summer and surprisingly loved it!
Senior Attorney
I’m 5’2″ and I love this length skirt! I’m wearing one today!
Anonymous
+ 1 I have a couple of skirts like this from the last time skirts like this were readily available at retail, and I have really enjoyed wearing them again. 5’5”.
Formerly Lilly
Same. I love the entire outfit, except that I don’t care for those shoes styled with it. I would like the shoes with an outfit that didn’t have so much visual weight to it.
anon
+100. LOVE the clothing. Hate the shoes!
Anonymous
I hate the shoes too, but I’m having trouble figuring out what would work. I think it still needs to be sandals because of the soft, light fabrics, even though the top is long-sleeved. Maybe sandals with a taller block heel? Or does it need to be turned into a full-on winter outfit with tall high-heeled boots whose tops are covered by the skirt?
Anonymous
I would go with heeled D’Orsay pumps for work.
Ellen
I agree. This dress looks best on tall willowey women with a flat tuchus, which unfortunately is not me. If your shorter then 5-4, you need to be petite and svelte. Personally, I do better with A line dresses that have extra room in the back so that men do not focus on my tuchus. My sister Rosa is not tall, but very svelte and she can wear this dress, even tho she has had 4 kids. Rosa’s tuchus is flat because she exercises 4x a week with her trainer and her Peloton. As lawyers, we have to sit all day, which is not really conducive to looking good in dresses like this once we are over 40.
Anon
Both the skirt and the top are beautiful on the model.
Anon
Does anyone have this knit jacket from Talbots? If so, do you like it? Hard to tell how thick it is, etc.
https://www.talbots.com/on/demandware.store/Sites-talbotsus-Site/default/Product-Variation?pid=P213121462&dwvar_P213121462_color=BLUE%20RIBBON&dwvar_P213121462_sizeType=MS&cgid=sale
Anon
Or this one:
https://www.talbots.com/notch-collar-sweater-blazer/P213121465.html?cgid=sale&dwvar_P213121465_color=INDIGO%20BLUE&dwvar_P213121465_sizeType=MS
Anonymous
I have the first one a love it – I find it plenty warm but not too thick. In NE.
Anon
I have it in the olive color and love it. It’s thick enough to have shape and keep its shape, but it’s not heavy. It’s a nice layer in my fairly arctic office.
Anon
*the first one, that is.
anon
I have2 of the first one from a few years ago…merino wool sweater blazer. Love it, cozy warm for late fall and winter. Not too thick or too warm but perfect for layering over their ballet next tees. Very comfortable and polished.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I tried on the first one but returned it. Nothing wrong with it, just didn’t like the shape on me. It was a very thick knit, and I have other Talbots sweaters with similar thick merino which I LOVE.
Anonymous
I have the first one and find it a bit boxy. I should have returned it.
A.
I have the second one in yellow. I love it! It’s appropriate for all seasons except the deepest of winters. Size down.
Anon
I wish this were offered in a color that I would wear, but the four colors offered are far, far outside of my lane.
Anon
I also have the first one. It’s really nice. Plenty warm but not overly warm, like I’m not wearing it to play in the snow.
Notagirl
I have the first one in gray and love it. Quality is great, fit too.
Coach Laura
I have the first in two colors, one from last year one from this year. I love them and they are workhorses. Dressy enough for business casual, cozy on zoom calls, good for low-key events like family parties or visits to my parents’ assisted living facility.
Anonymous
I look at this and see church/bridal or baby shower instead of work.
Anon
Then you must work in a very formal office, and if you’ve been reading here for any length of time, I am sure you’re aware those are a dying breed. This would be perfectly office-appropriate in any office I’ve worked in or visited in the last five years.
Anon
+1 – I also don’t distinguish between any of those locations, they’re all places where I’m going to be more polished than the grocery store.
Not unless you’re Diane Keaton
Disagree.
This would not be office wear in my office, either, unless it was the summer party. It’s the white on beige that does it, not the clothes themselves.
It reads too ladies who lunch and have a massive dry cleaning budget, just like beautiful white wool coat.
Anon
I know the default on the internet is to really lean into being right, but maybe take a step back and ask yourself why you feel the need to so strongly tell somebody that their *opinion* is wrong. You could have made your same point without being a duck about it.
Anon
LOL. You could have just read the comment without taking it as an extremely personal insult that was really designed to insult your mother, or something. Chill out. This is an anonymous message board. We’re talking about clothes. It’s not that deep.
Anon
I agree, I think it looks very weird for work wear.
Anonymous
+1 agreed, this would be a strange choice for work in my casual date corporate office.
Pale girl snorkeling
Please help me shop! I’m searching for a soft cardigan or hoodie, something that is easy to take on and off. Soft is the key as is warm. I’ve bought and returned two already, including a Sherpa lined flygo hoodie that was nicely soft on the inside but weirdly stiff on the outside. I’m 100% work from home so this can be super casual. Prefer nice wide sleeves so it can go on over whatever I’m wearing, I do really love a hoodie for extra warmth and they almost always have pockets which I love. Budget is around $50 but I would go a little higher for the right one. In an ideal world this could also be worn for traveling but that’s a bit of a unicorn dream
Woof
Try Nordstrom Rack–lots of options, great prices.
Anonymous
I just got the Zella Cara hoodie from Nordstrom and it definitely fits what you’re looking for. I’ve worn it pretty much every day sitting at my “desk” and around the house. Very soft fleece inside and not stiff at all. It was a bit more than your budget ($70) but nordstrom has great returns if you decide it isn’t what you’re after.
Anon
The joggers hold up really nicely after repeated washes, so assuming the hoddie is the same, I’m adding it to my list for future hoodie replacements. (I’m not OP.)
Anonymous
It’s less than $30 now!
Anonymous
Ooh— I got the zip up version but now I’m tempted to also get the crewneck! (9:55 here)
Anonymous
LLBean Cashmere hoodie
Anon
American Giant
Anon
Patagonia Better Sweater Jacket. Above your price range, but very soft and very warm.
Anon
I’m extremely embarrassed to ask this, but has anyone ever filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy? Are you glad that you did it? Do you regret it?
We are talking $88k in consumer debt, all personal loans and credit cards. This is not something I take lightly, and the debt is not new, meaning I have changed my ways but I am drowning. I have no significant assets – I’m single, I rent an apartment, and I own a 2011 Toyota Corolla (that I would like to keep). Not much in the bank and ~$40k in 401k.
Ellen
I think you should read up on this yourself on the Internet. I found this article that says that your 401K may be safe:
https://upsolve.org/learn/can-bankruptcy-take-your-401k-or-ira/
But the manageing partner said that your car depends on the state where you live. There are different exemtions in each state, even tho bankrupcy is a FEDERAL law.
If you have a job, he says you could also consider Chapter 13, which could allow you to keep your car, but that depends on other.
Since youre single, you only have your credit to rehabilitate, which your probably already tapped out on, but we do get smarter as we get older.
I don’t know any real bankrupcy lawyers or where you live, so hopefully you will consult with a local lawyer who can help you. Good luck to you.
Anon
The first thing you should do is call a consumer credit counseling service. It’s a nonprofit who’s job is to look through your debt and see if there’s any way for you to pay off your debt with repayment plans.
When I worked with credit consumers, this usually looked like ‘turn off your credit cards and the banks will agree to lower interest rates provided that you make monthly payments to everything so that they’re paid off in x amount of time.’ They will also tell you if it won’t work and refer you for bankruptcy. This is also a required step before filing bankruptcy, so like… no wasted time if it doesn’t work.
Lots of people have filed bankruptcy and it’s usually some combination of family crisis, divorce, and life circumstance change. It sounds like you need a clean slate and that’s one of the reasons bankruptcy exists.
Word of caution: don’t pay a lot of money to companies who will ‘settle your debt for pennies on the dollar’. You can literally do that yourself without paying their fees. They’re just waiting until your account goes so far into default that the bank will take anything. It will trash your credit (like bankruptcy) but don’t give them your money.
kag
I don’t know any specifics of your situation and don’t know much about the bankruptcy. However, I have a few suggestions that may or may not be helpfull.
First, try to transfer your credit card balances to zero interest cards. You may save yourself a year of no interest payments on these.
Second, if interest on your credit is higher than returns on 401k, you may stop contributing to 401k until you pay off high-interest debt.
Third, have a hard look at your budget over last few months. Where is your money going? Are you able to cut some expenses down? How did you end up with all the consumer debt? Even if your debts are cleared, you need to understand how did you get to your current situations in order to avoid it in future.
Fourth, are you able to increase your income?
Anon
Emphasis on #4: some second jobs pay remarkably well. Consider tutoring, which is done entirely on your schedule. Look into waitstaff jobs, if they can do nights/weekends only. It may be tiring, but if you pull in an extra $15k a year, combined with lowering interest rates, you can get out from underneath this.
Anon
Nah. Sorry but with 88k of debt she’s better off wiping it out through Chapter 7 and starting over than she is working herself to the bone for two or three years to pay off the debt. She’s not under any moral obligation to be better than big companies that spend too much and overleverage themselves and are then able to file bankruptcy, wipe out their obligations, and start over. Paying off the debt doesn’t make her a better person or a better citizen or whatever. It will suck to have the bankruptcy on her record for 7 years but it will be over sooner rather than later.
Senior Attorney
Agree with this.
Anon
Totally agree. Cutting down on buying lattes is not the kind of advice that applies here.
Anon
Wow that’s a LOT that you just unloaded on me.
Yes, there is a moral obligation to make a good faith effort to pay back what you borrowed. I’m hardly suggesting that she work 100 hours a week and live in a roach-infested apartment, simply that she consider options for taking on some more work that could (with a zero-interest balance transfer) enable her to get out from underneath this.
Ch. 7 bankruptcy stays on your credit report for ten years. Ch. 13 stays on for 7 years after completion, which is 10-12 years after filing. It may be in her own best interest to get a second job, 10 hours per work or so, and throw that all at the debt.
Anon
+1000000
Anon
“Wow that’s a LOT that you just unloaded on me.”
LOL, I did not “unload that *on you,*” I just commented. Don’t take things so personally.
Anon
No moral obligation. This conversation reminds me of the first chapter of “Debt” where the anthropologist and the US liberal are talking past each other.
The pros/cons of the 7 years depend on life plans, but I would leave moral obligation/pride out of it.
Anon
Moral obligation aside, there are real penalties to having your credit destroyed (inability to rent an apartment, denied jobs that require good credit, not able to recover in a lawsuit, just to name a few) such that it’s worth exploring how dire things are before going nuclear. Depending on OPs income, 88k might not be that hard to restructure into something manageable.it’s much lower than many student loans, for example.
Anonymous
That’s more than my law school loans, which I was only able to pay off in 10 years because I was married and we both made decent salaries.
Anon
I haven’t, but I do know a little about it. In your case, I would probably do it but it depends on your income (I assume not sufficiently high as to make paying off the debt easy given what you have said), whether you want to buy a home soon, and your career field. The downsides I’m aware of are that it will make it hard to buy a place for a number of years, but so would the debt, and that it may have career impacts in certain fields (some types of financial jobs, some types of jobs needing security clearances, etc.). Some people think of it as a moral failing or something — I don’t. You made some bad financial decisions, have learned from them, and will hopefully never do it again. No company would bat an eye at filing for bankruptcy if it made financial sense, and you shouldn’t either.
In order to file for bankruptcy, you have to have a consultation with a nonprofit credit counseling agency. As a start, I would do that because they can be helpful even if you decide not to file. They can talk with you about the bankruptcy process, the downsides, and other possible ways to deal with your debt such as negotiating a payment plan.
Anonymous
Just to push back some on one point here – companies that are concerned with high levels of debt are ALSO going to be concerned with a personal history of bankruptcy. It would lead to the same rejection at my investment company.
Anon
I think this is a great and very important point. My company screens for credit and someone who is $88k in debt and maybe has some late payments, overdrawn accounts or over-the-limit credit cards is not going to be in any substantially advantageous position over someone who has a bankruptcy on their record. It’s a “no” for us in both cases, for any position involving fiscal responsibility. I previously worked in a job where I had a security clearance, and in that case, a recent bankruptcy was a no, but it would be better for someone to have declared bankruptcy in the past and have cleaned up their act than to not have declared, and have a completely out-of-whack asset to income ratio and a low credit score. People with older bankruptcies could be cleared via an exception process if their recent financial picture was clean and their debt-to-income ratio was appropriate. People whose finances were still a mess were a no, period. Too much risk they could be compromised.
Sorry to be blunt, but the OP is kind of scr*wed either way. She can take the path of wiping out the debt and getting things back on track through bankruptcy. Or she can continue laboring under the debt mountain, which will likely just grow as interest rates rise, and be scr*wed much longer. I think the suggestions about “transfer all the debt to zero-percent credit cards” for a year are a pipe dream unless OP has managed to keep her score up and all her payments current despite her financial situation. I don’t know very many banks that are super-excited about refinancing debt for people who are completely underwater, financially. And what if she can’t pay it off in a year? Then she’ll be stuck with cards that have the initial transfer amount on them, plus the interest she would have accumulated, and an interest rate pegged at probably 17%. I am not a personal finance expert but “hang in there and try to pay it off” seems like telling people who have shipwrecked and are at the bottom of the ocean to swim for the surface. They’re going drown long before they see the sky.
Anon
Please don’t be embarassed. You are doing all the right things, including asking for help.
Ses
Your 401k is a protected asset, so it’s probably unwise to reduce contributions if you think you may end up declaring bankruptcy.
In your shoes I would also be considering bankruptcy, although be aware it can affect not only your ability to buy a house, but also to rent an apartment or finance a car in the future.
Anon
Definitely speak with a non-profit agency to see what other options may be available and a zero interest rate credit card is a good idea. One thing to consider when filing for bankruptcy is I think it essentially destroys your credit for 7 years. I’d be concerned about renting another apartment and getting another car. Filing for bankruptcy may make those difficult in the future. Just something to keep in mind.
Anon
I’d also be worried about any job that requires a credit check in addition to destroying your credit.
Anon
I had a friend who did it after a brutal divorce left her with a ton of debt and not very many assets to her name. In our state, she was able to keep her house, what she had in her retirement account (which wasn’t much, especially after she had to give half to her ex, while she took on half of the $60k in credit card debt he ran up without her knowledge) and her car. It of course did trash her credit, but she already had a place to live and transportation and she had a job. She was able to get a new job midway through the 7-year period; she was just up-front with them about the bankruptcy (and her career doesn’t involve cash handling or financial responsibility – or a security clearance – so it wasn’t a big thing anyway).
OP, In your case I would be concerned about two things: A. if the bankruptcy will impact your creditworthiness to keep your current apartment (remember that some leasing companies re-run credit checks every year at lease renewal) or get a new apartment. B. If your career is one where you have to pass credit checks to get hired or maintain your current level of responsibility. If you can solve those two problems, I would say file (after you’ve gone through the requisite credit counseling as others have mentioned). Having terrible credit for 7 years won’t be fun but it’s not the end of the world either.
On that note: the pearl-clutching that takes place here when people even bring up the idea of filing for bankruptcy is super-amusing to me. Sometimes people file for bankruptcy, just like sometimes people get terminated for cause (which has happened to people here) or get divorced because of conditions they had a hand in creating (which has also happened to people here). None of those things – getting fired, getting divorced, filing for bankruptcy – mean that someone is a moral reprobate who’s devoid of worth or value. Bad things happen to people sometimes and yes, people do have a hand in their destiny. But what’s done is done and the best thing, very often, is for people to put the past in the past and move forward. I have much less problem with an individual who owes $88k filing for bankruptcy than a situation like Toys R Us liquidating because a bunch of greedy b*stards milked the company for all it was worth and ran it into the ground, and walked away with hundreds of millions of dollars while blue-collar workers got laid off. Compared to the financial malfeasance and bad-faith actions committed by hedge-fund managers and private-equity firm owners on a daily basis, the OP’s debt isn’t sh*t and doesn’t really matter. Best thing for her is to wipe out the debt, tough out the seven years, and get to start over. She isn’t under any more moral obligation to fix her financial situation through hard work and sacrifice than Eddie Lampert is morally obliged to save KMart and Sears through hard work and sacrifice of his time and money. And Lampert’s bad decisions have affected a heck of a lot more people than the OP’s.
Anon
Agree on the pearl-clutching. Some people here can’t fathom that there are people in the world who don’t make millions of dollars at their cushy jobs.
kag
I’m not pearl clutching, but I do see a considerable opportunity cost of these seven years post bankruptcy. Of course, this cost will vary from person to person and it’s up to OP to check and decide which option is better for her.
Anonymous
Thank you for this message!! Honestly such a beautiful sentiment that we all make mistakes and that we can go easier on ourselves (and each other). this really made my day.
Anonymous
It’s not terrible credit for very long. I commented below that I got a car loan from a dealership at 4.5% interest 6 months after filing Ch 7. Sure, it wasn’t 0% for well qualified buyers, but it also wasn’t something crazy like 18% at a “buy here, pay here lot.”
Anon
Thanks for sharing this. I have limited experience with people living through a bankruptcy but do know it’s not necessarily the financial equivalent of a Texas-size meteor crashing into the Earth. People declare and they live their lives and they come out the other side. Good to hear for you it was sooner rather than later, I hope that gives the OP some hope.
Anonymous
If you feel comfortable sharing, what is your income?
Anone
I used to do Chapter 7s (as an attorney on the debtor side). Not sure of your income, but assuming you qualify, I would definitely recommend filing. As someone else said, it will give you a fresh start, instead of slaving away for years to try to make a dent in that mountain of debt. I have heard from clients that within 2-3 years of filing, their credit is often good enough to qualify for a mortgage again, in case that matters. The other person who said 401(k) is exempt is correct. And whether you are able to keep the car depends largely on how much equity you have in it. You may have to buy it back from the BK trustee, but I’ll let your lawyer advise you on that once the numbers have been run.
Anonymous
Me! 9 years ago, when my husband was injured in a car accident (not his fault) and we were drowning in medical bills and feeling significant impacts from his lost income (couldn’t get UI because he was injured and unable to work). He did get a rather modest settlement after about 2.5 years, but we couldn’t survive until then waiting. He also did FMLA. A couple days after it ran out, his work fired him. Ironically, they later re-hired and promoted him.
It’s 9 years, and the Ch 7 is off 1 of my credit reports already. My credit score on Experian and CK is mid-700s.
I never had any difficulty renting an apartment, getting a job, or passing a background check. I was able to buy a second car (his was totaled in the accident) about 6 months after I filed the Ch 7. My credit score was mid-600s at that point. It never got any lower than 610 if I recall.
It was the best option for us, and I wish we’d done it sooner. We also kept our cars out of Ch 7, because we were UTD on payments. My lawyer had me stop making other payments for at least 3 months, except the cars. We met with 3 lawyers and just picked one. All were about $1K in fees.
I second calling a nonprofit debt assistance. I did, and they recommended Ch 7 because we had no idea if and when my spouse would be able to work again. I simply didn’t make enough money, even with a PT contract side gig.
Anonymous
Correction – it was 1 car, not 2, that I reaffirmed in the Ch 7. The other one was totaled and we didn’t see anything as it went to paying off the note.
Anonymous
Another data point about long term impact. I got divorced (unrelated to Ch 7) and bought a condo on my own last year. I was preapproved for a $550K mortgage with the 8-year-old Ch 7 on my record. I also did a first time homebuyer’s class through my city (highly recommend), and as part of that program, they went over your credit report. I was advised the Ch 7 was so long ago, it didn’t matter for the mortgage process, and they were right.
Anon
I did, with about that same amount of debt. I had gotten over my head in a bad relationship, and I used it shortly after moving to a new state. After breaking up with him, I’ve rented two apartments AND continued to work as an accountant. No one has every questioned my integrity.
One item I’d recommend: I deliberately withheld info about my Talbots and Macys credit cards, because I wanted to be able to refurnish a new place and myself if I ever had to get out of that relationship (and I’m glad I had those options). If you have a credit card available that has NO balance, do NOT include it in the list! You won’t be able to get a new credit for quite a while!
I have new credit cards I got four years later, the bankruptcy fell off my credit report at 7 years, and my score never went below 650, IIRC. It’s now in the mid-700s.
I had to do that online credit counseling “class,” which at first wasn’t counted because I did it too fast. Apparently, they don’t believe someone can read as fast as I can… Don’t hire a lawyer, don’t use one of those “settlement services.” It’s paperwork and diligence. Good luck!
cake batter
I love love love midi skirts like this but struggle with finding shorter (cropped?) tops to pair with them. I’ve tried tucking, but that never looks quite right to me. Any ideas where to find shorter sweaters to pair with these longer skirts?
Shelle
I’ve had good luck finding cropped chunky sweaters to pair with my midi skirts in stores geared more toward teens, like Target and H&M. Basically at stores where the styles closely follow trends. Of course the tops they carry are typically more casual less professional if you’d like this look for the office.
Nora
I’ve had a revelation that cropped tops and generally a shorter top to longer bottom ratio looks much better on me, even for work clothes. I’ve actually gotten some cropped tops from Banana Republic Factory, which may have more office appropriate tops. Agree that overall the more teen-focused stores have better options for this.
BeenThatGuy
I’ve actually been wearing skirts like this with a bodysuit and a moto styled jacket. Maybe my version of the look isn’t completely on trend but it works for my age (45)
anon
That sounds cute!
aBr
Walmart (of all places) has the best spaghetti strapped tops that you can layer under a cropped cami. That’s been my solution. I tried some of the trendier options but found the tops just wouldn’t stay in place.
Anon
I’m a fan of the old school knot a button down look – I wear a cami underneath and tie up the front. I find it an easy to wear look.
Cb
Happy Monday, in which true to scatty academic form, I showed up to the wrong classroom. I checked in the system and it showed me last year’s classroom location! And tipped out a water bottle in the bottom of my bag all over my planner.
nuqotw
Thank you for posting. I am underprepared for class, my office is a mess, and I forgot to bring lunch.
Anonymous
This is hitting hard on themes of my recurring nightmare, except of course I am the student who has missed a full semester of classes and coursework and struggling to find where the classes meet a few days before finals. This is not terribly different from my actual school experience so feels very real when it comes up. Good luck to you! You have plenty of time to recover.
pugsnbourbon
Oh I hate that dream! I’m always on a campus that feels familiar but different enough that I’m totally lost.
Cb
Haha, as a lecturer, I have nightmares that I’m there with no notes and no shoes.
Anon
Ha, I was going to say – I have that exact nightmare because that literally happened to me when I was a (lazy) student.
Jules
Me too! I had been blowing off a history class, decided it was time to get serious and start showing up, but when I came in I was immediately handed a mid-term exam. I left the room, went straight to my academic advisor who happened to be in the same building and dropped the class.
HW
Agh I had that dream last night!
Senior Attorney
OMG I have that dream on a regular basis! Ugh!
Chin up, Cb!!
Anon
I’m glad I’m not the only one who gets this dream!
Curious
Omg I thought I was the only one!!
Anon
May the gods of good fortune smile on you for the rest of the day CB!
Anon
Looking for recommendations on very comfortable closed toe heels/wedges; I have several weddings coming up (and being in my late 20s, this is probably the first of several years of many weddings) and would like to invest in a pair of shoes to wear to many of them. I’d prefer closed toe (March and October weddings) and block heel or wedge (outdoor June wedding on grass). Obviously I don’t expect to find one pair of shoes that will magically work for every wedding, but I’d prefer to invest in a pair that checks most boxes and figure something else out on the occasion that this shoe doesn’t work. (I’m all about quality over quantity in my closet);
Looking to maximize comfort (I plan on being on the dance floor all night long) and style (nothing “frumpy”). Absolute max price is $200, but lower is obviously better.
I’m intrigued by the Soludos Gemma heel but not sold.
Anon
Perhaps not the most glamorous option, but I bought a pair of beige, block heel, ankle strap shoes to wear as a bridesmaid and have worn them a zillion times since. They go with absolutely everything, are extremely easy to walk in and are comfortable to wear for hours. My favorite part is that I don’t need to think about them, I can just wear them with whatever dress and I know they’ll look good. Honestly the pair I bought might be knockoffs of the ones you’re considering.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07CVS872Q/
Anon
Thanks! Was looking at a lot in this style (agreed – it’s not the cutest style but it does the job) but wasn’t sure about the comfort. Glad to hear they’re very comfortable!
I totally agree with you – I want a go to that I know will go with any dress and will be comfortable and reliable. Then, if I have the time/mental capacity to find a “better” option I can, but I don’t have to stress shop the week before a wedding because I know I have a good option!
As a not very organized/always late person, I do things like this all the time.
anon
Ooh, thanks for the recommendation. I need something like this. After several years of not attending weddings, I have several coming up this summer. I don’t do high heels anymore and really loathe shopping for this type of shoe.
Woof
I suggest buying a pair of really comfortable nude colored shoes, maybe a sling back, and then adding shoe clips or shoe embellishments to the shoes. There are so many available, and they add a festive flair to your shoes. Search for shoe clips or shoe embellishments or shoe clips flowers on Etsy or Amazon and you will find many choices. I have added blows to office pumps (black, midi dress) and felt very appropriate.
https://www.etsy.com/market/shoes_embellishment
Woof
hahaha! not blows, but bows.
Anon
Very much not my style but a neat idea for someone else.
No Face
I did not know this existed!
London (formerly NY) CPA
I love Rockport’s total motion line for things like this. I have many pairs of their regular heels, and two pair of block heels from them. Here’s a few options that might work:
https://www.rockport.com/rockport/womens-total-motion-gracie-plain-heel/ML05187.html?dwvar_ML05187_color=BOURBON%20SUEDE&cgid=womens-footwear-featured-total-motion#start=1
https://www.rockport.com/rockport/womens-total-motion-noelle-slingback-heel/ML04628.html?dwvar_ML04628_color=AU%20NATUREL&cgid=womens-footwear-featured-total-motion#start=1
https://www.rockport.com/rockport/womens-total-motion-cerelia-gore-wedge/ML03495.html?dwvar_ML03495_color=BLACK%20LYCRA&cgid=womens-footwear-featured-total-motion
https://www.rockport.com/rockport/total-motion-leah-pump/ML02276.html?dwvar_ML02276_color=NUDE&cgid=womens-footwear-featured-total-motion#start=1
https://www.rockport.com/rockport/womens-total-motion-sydney-pump/ML03791.html?dwvar_ML03791_color=BEIGE&cgid=womens-footwear-featured-total-motion#start=1
Curious
Yes, and part of the reason they are so good is the sole is flexible (i.e., you can bend the toes of the shoe back toward the heel). In general, I find shoes where this is possible to be more comfortable over several hours than shoes where it is not true, so that’s a test you can apply.
anon
I use the Soludos espadrille wedge for this purpose. The black one gets solid rotation all summer (… and I’ve bought it in several other colors).
Anon
LK Bennett pumps are so comfortable I used to actually be able to run to catch subways in these. I don’t buy a lot of expensive things but these shoes are absolutely worth it. I don’t know if they have a U.S. presence anymore but I’m sure Poshmark sells them if you don’t mind buying used shoes.
Beans
Totally agree with LK Bennett. I have several pairs of their raffia wedges that I found on Poshmark. Extremely comfortable and look great in spring/summer.
pdx
camper block heel sandals! I love mine and can wear them all night and I am usually bad at wearing heels
Anonymous
The LK Bennet wedges, Payless Dexflex heels, and Stuart Weitzman low heels (not the super-high heeled sandals) are my most comfortable heels.
anon
Oh, I really some of the wedge options from Dexflex! I want comfortable shoes that don’t look comfortable, which is often hard! I had a few pairs of Payless heels back when I first started working and they were the MOST comfortable heels I’ve ever had! I could (and did) commute in them, sprint to catch a train in them, etc.
Anonymous
I got Botox a couple of weeks ago and noticed this weekend my eyebrows are kinda droopy. Ugh. I went to a cosmetic dermatologist at a major medical center so I didn’t anticipate this, although I knew it was a risk. Has this happened to anybody before and how long did it take to go away?
Anon
Yes, it happens if they inject too far down. Take dated selfies daily of yourself both relaxed and scowling (all in the same light), to track your movement progress. Show your provider at the next appointment and they will adjust the placement. Some people just have weaker muscles there, so it takes some tweaking.
How long it will last depends on how fast your body burns it off, but I go every three months, and my droop wore off in less than three weeks.
Note that Botox is very targeted and does not move much, whereas other products like Dysport have a lot of spread. If you decide to change to another product, the placement will need to be adjusted accordingly.
BeenThatGuy
This. Also, I switched to Dysport a few years ago and have the injections done almost at my hairline. Botox always made my brow-ridge and eye brows look Neanderthal-esque (I have hooded eyelids).
Anon
Do you have a NuFace or similar microcurrent device? A youtuber (I can’t remember who or I’d link it) had this happen not long ago and used microcurrent to somewhat even it out until the botox wore off. Definitely let your derm know, maybe there is something they can do to help.
Anonymous
Dear Lord, don’t do this. You are randomly spreading a toxin.
Anon
Huh? The “toxin” is already in her face. No one’s suggesting she buy pufferfish ovaries and rub them into her eyebrows or something…I dunno about the NuFace suggestion, I don’t know if I’d try that, but there’s no issue with “randomly spreading a toxin” in her skin if it’s…already in her skin. P.S. Botox and Dysport are FDA-approved and Botox, in particular, has been in use for a long time, not a ton of risk with it when it’s used correctly.
Shelle
I’m going on a beach vacation with a small group of friends for a few days. The lodgings are being generously covered by one of the women using her points. Any suggestions for a nice gift to thank her? She’s flying in from a different city.
Ribena
Arrange for some amazing flowers to be delivered the day after she gets home, with a message of thanks.
NYCer
If she is the massage type, treat her to a massage or other spa treatment at your resort? Pay for her dinner/drinks one of the nights?
Anon
I think you should all chip in for flowers, bottle of wine and gift card to her favorite restaurant.
Jo March
I did this with a friend in Hawaii who had Hilton points to book the stay. A week meant a couple hundred dollars of resort fees and such which were charged in cash, so I covered those and treated her to dinner while we were there.
Anon
If this was my friend group, we would cover her meals during the stay.
Anonymous
This is the answer.
Anonymous
I’d reach out to the small group and arrange to cover her meals as well.
Anonymous
Any other ottawa inhabitants that have been terrorized all weekend? Ugh let’s see how well I can work with sleep deprivation.
Emma
I’m in Montreal but saw a few of the trucks and was so depressed. Hope they go away soon!
Anonymous
Omg there was a terror attack in Ottawa? So sorry haven’t seen anything on the news!
Anon
What is the deal with this? I’m not sure how well CA stuff is ever covered here in the US.
Anon
Hey neighbour! It’s been a total zoo all weekend. I can hear the honking has started up again. How have the police not ended this already???
Anon
What are public protest laws like in Canada? It seems that you just can’t assemble and protest like we can in the US?
Anon
Of course peaceful protest is lawful, but these truckers are blocking traffic, parking illegally, causing mayhem, defacing public property, assaulting, stealing, etc. It’s not a protest.
Anon
Assaulting and stealing?
Anon
Yeah, at this point this has nothing to do with vaccinations.
Anon
https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-60190452
Anti-vax truckers causing havoc.
Anon
Maybe Canadian laws are different, but trucking is sort of a solo job, no? So just wear a mask if you are around others. It’s not like they are working in nursing homes or anything. I’m a person who gets shots, but I’m not sure who they are a danger to if general people can still be unvaccinated. [I live where maybe 50% of adults are vaccinated and maybe 25% of children, so at this point, I wish them luck but they’ve made their choice and I’ve made mine.]
Anon
They are “protesting” vaccine mandates because you need to be vaccinated to cross the US border.
Notagirl
The vaccine is a red herring here. The US isnimposimg the exact same mandate on them (the mandate is only for truckers who travel between US and Canada, not internally). Not to mention 80% or sth of truckers are already vaccinated.
Anon
I’m sorry this is happening – I’m not in Ottawa, but I’ve seen the nonsense all over the news. Good luck getting through today.
Anon
We had one of these in my town this weekend, “in solidarity” or whatever, but really just an excuse for stupid jerks to congregate. I’m sure it was just a fraction of what you had to deal with so I am so sorry, because it was very annoying and disruptive.
Anon
My new job only provides basic-B computer peripherals, and it turns out I am fed up with the crappy corded mouse. Any recs for a good cordless PC mouse with a nice scroll function? (I use a magic mouse on my home iMac, so I don’t have a lot of experience with this style.)
Cb
I just have the cheap-y Logitech mouse and keyboard, which i like b/c they work off one dongle. They always work, don’t eat through batteries, the mouse is small so I can throw it in my bag.
Ribena
I have the Logitech Pebble M350 and I really like it. It’s small and low profile and it’s the first mouse I’ve had that feels like it fits in my tiny hands. (I have it in pink with the matching keyboard, which makes me smile)
Cornellian
I have the Logitech M185. I’m not even sure where it came from, but it is small and portable and nonobtrusive. Doesn’t feel too large for my hands (although I have larger hands for a woman, so YMMV). With any wireless mouse, keep an extra battery around. They don’t give out often but it’s always when I have a giant project or presentation!
Anon
I apparently have the Logitech 325. It’s a mouse! It does what it wants! It uses a little USB connector thingy, easily turns on and off, and I can put it in my bag.
It’s totally unobtrusive and I don’t think about it, which is really the hallmark of a good mouse.
anon
I have the M325 and it’s perfectly fine.
Anon
I’d check with IT if you’re allowed to use non-issued equipment. I’m not allowed to plug anything into my USB port that’s not approved/issued.
Anon
This, and what has been approved is garbage.
Anonymous
I have two jelly comb from amazon. Work great and stay charged forever, though at one point was a little latency with one.
Cat
Another vote for Logitech. Though FWIW I dislike a wireless mouse. I don’t care how good of quality it is, it’s never QUITE as responsive as a wired one!
Curious
I love my Anker cordless ergonomic mouse!
anon
Guys, I screwed up. A few months ago, my boss asked me to put together a nomination package for an award, and I completely dropped the ball. Just … thud, didn’t do a darn thing. I had completely forgotten about it until she emailed this morning and asked if we were on track. The deadline is today, there is no way to fix this and meet the deadline. I don’t make mistakes like this, and I’m going to have to ‘fess up now. But I don’t really want to offer excuses, and I don’t have a clear-cut way to fix this. WTF do I do?! I never do stuff like this!
bbb
Is this for an award for you or for her?
anon
Our organization.
A.
Can you contact the org and ask if there is wiggle room on the deadline? (Before you talk to your boss.)
anon
There is not. :( Gah, so embarrassing.
anon
You say you made a mistake, dropped the ball, and will be implementing XYZ system moving forward to ensure it doesn’t happen again.
Anonymous
If you submit an incomplete package, will they ask for the missing info or just toss the entire application?
Anon
I would try this before I gave up on submitting anything.
Cb
Ugh, I hate stuff like that. I’d email them and ask if they could extend it slightly? But just apologise without excuses, it doesn’t sound mission critical?
Nesprin
You apologize and accept that sometimes stuff falls through cracks and forgive yourself as best as you can. (especially in covid yr 3) Extra credit for setting up a better system so it doesn’t happen again.
Anonymous
Two part question, please:
1) Any recommendations for not letting your mind run away with you, or for reeling it back in? For instance, I’m in a wonderful relationship but every so often get insecure about, say, other women (that I shouldn’t be insecure about, for instance he isn’t doing anything wrong but I don’t know/trust the single women he’s repeatedly interacting with (dog walking near her house, meeting her friends who are also outside, etc.)?
2) Any suggestions for talk therapy like talkspace or betterhelp? I should probably just suck it up and pay my awesome, expensive and occasional therapist for more frequent sessions.
Thank you!
Anonymous
Yes you are correct more therapy is the answer
anon
Everyone is different but here’s what works for me . . .
(1) journaling out the what ifs which always end in everything being fine even if it’s not “fine” initially (aka I have gotten through a lot and still am here and thriving so any other situation will he no different), meditation, exercise, reminding myself what is fact vs what is projecting, rinse repeat.
(2) I would get a few extra sessions with your current therapist instead of trying to find a new good fit and then trying to get them up to speed. You’ll spend just as much if not more finding a new one that is a good fit and running down to where you are with the therapist who already knows you.
Anonymous
This is so kind, thank you. I will try this method to keep me in reality! Particularly like the fact vs projecting. I agree about current therapist, so worth it, just made another appointment. I really appreciate your consideration, especially now when I’m feeling unraveled!
anon
I completely understand how this feels and remember, it okay to feel it; this feeling will pass, and you are in control of you even though it doesn’t feel like it all the time. You can do this.
Anonymous
I’m hugely appreciative of your kind and on-point comments; thank you. It definitely feels lonely at a time like this. Just what I needed to hear :)
anon
You’re welcome. I’m happy to chat off the site if you have a burner email! I am good at talking off ledges after having been on many ledges myself and spent a lot of money in therapy :)
Anonymous
That’s extremely thoughtful; thank you! I’ll try to come up with a burner email and post tomorrow..if only so we can one day giggle at ourselves! Thanks again!!!
Anon
I don’t know, I say listen to yourself more. Are you picking up on something?
Anonymous
Always a possibility, but I imagine unlikely. Some of the best advice I ever got was to listen to my intuition. Just tough to separate reality from fiction (projection?) at times! And honestly, I do feel as though guys can be naive at times, or figure they can handle a situation if and when it needs handling…I am not cut from that “wait until there’s a problem, no worries” cloth. Ugh.
Anon
Random question: if you are Catholic (in the US: Roman Catholic vs Orthodox), is a big confirmation party a thing? Also, could someone describe the general confirmation process (what you actually have to believe)? [Just trying to lay my mental groundwork if spouse (divorced and non-confirmed, so he does not know) successfully convinces the kid to go down this road. I feel like I do 90% of the mental and actual lifting on the kid front, so while I would support the kid on this, would not actually want to do more than a Kodak dad. Kid is a girl, if that matters, and generally has gone to my church until COVID hit and everything went online (there is a younger unvaxxed sibling that keeps us away until this surge passes).]
Anon
Not Catholic but Episcopalian so close enough (and ALL of my friends/half my family is Catholic so I have plenty of exposure): in my experience typically families (usually immediate family + grandparents + godparents + confirmation sponsor, maybe aunts/uncles/cousins – especially if they go to the same parish) go out for a nice meal after the confirmation, but no huge party.
Seventh Sister
My eldest got confirmed in the Episcopal church during COVID. It happened to be around the time that many of her friends were having bar/bat mitzvahs, and I was like, “Sorry kid, you get dinner with your parents at a nice restaurant instead of a big fun party with all your friends.” I didn’t even get a restaurant meal when I joined my church as a kid – yay cheap Presbyterians.
Tongue in cheek, I told her she didn’t even deserve a big party because she’d had to meet with the priest and go to a single Saturday of classes (while her Jewish friends had worked really hard).
If it had been a “normal time,” I would have invited a few friends and family to the confirmation, but I didn’t because of COVID.
Walnut
Is the daughter of typical confirmation age (7th/8th/9th grade)? If so, most prep work will take place during normal religion classes (Wednesday nights in my area, unless you go to catholic school). The daughter will choose a saint to study and a sponsor (godparents are typical, but any catholic person she’s close to will do.) There will probably be an assorted weekend retreat, maybe some volunteer hours, and you’ll attend confirmation mass.
My family always went out for dinner after confirmation mass and had a cake. It was much less of a hoopla than first communion.
Anon
OP here: yes, kid is of the right age. Kid hasn’t done a Catholic first communion yet and when we do communion, could take it in our vanilla protestant church. Is that a non-starter?
London (formerly NY) CPA
Confirmation is the final of the 3 rites of initiation into the Catholic church: baptism, communion, confirmation. They have to be done in that order, and all have to be done in a Catholic church.
Anonymous
Yes but most Catholic Churches will just loop in first communion if you missed it
Anon
Sort of related question: if you convert as an adult, is there a class for adults that wraps all that together? I am guessing that it’s a bit of a process.
Anonymous
Yes there usually is.
MND
Anon adult: Yes, I believe so, sort of an “express catholicism” package? I remember adult friends taking first communion, maybe at Easter, and then being confirmed later in the year.
OP: I’m not sure if the same option is available for teens. My kids dropped out after first communion but I am under the impression it’s step-by-step. I would tell your ex to reach out to the church to get details about how to proceed and then circle back to you (and then hope he never does) as it’s not just going to be the party planning, but rather a matter of figuring out what the process is going forward.
Walnut
Yeah, as an adult you go through RCIA. Classes usually start in the fall and ceremonies take place during Easter vigil mass with a few intermediate ceremonies in between.
Anon
Anon @ 10:22 – yes, the Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults is a 6-8 month process that takes adults through the conversion process and preparation for baptism, first communion, and confirmation.
Walnut
If you haven’t done first communion yet, then you’ll need to get that one wrapped up first. This typically happens in the spring either before or after Easter depending on how it works. If you haven’t begun prep for First Communion yet, you’ll probably a bit late in the game for this year. Since it sounds like this is your husband’s domain he’ll need to do the leg work ASAP if you want to get an exception.
First Communion prep involves learning prayers, the liturgy, some theology, first penance, etc. It’s more involved from a parent help study perspective.
Anonymous
Communion in a Protestant church is totally different than Catholic Communion. Some Protestant churches let anyone, baptized or not, church member or not, take Communion. In the Roman Catholic church, you have to do the steps in order, and they don’t let Protestants take Communion.
Anonymous
Can you please reread and edit your posts? It’s so hard to figure out what your issue is.
Confirmation is accepting the church into your life as a person old enough to make that choice. Usually parents just need to get their kid to church for pre confirmation classes.
Some people do parties but much less of a thing than baptism or first communion. For mine we just went to a nice brunch as a family.
If you left out all the weird anxiety speak it would be much easier to provide you with helpful responses.
anon
Can you please reread and edit your posts to avoid gratuitousness rudeness?
Anon
Sorry, but I agree with Anonymous at 10:11 on this one. This poster always couches her question in a bunch of mumbo-jumbo/gobbledegook and it makes it hard to understand what she’s really asking or what the point of the post is. It’s like dealing with a person who can’t tell a story straight. OP, please just ask your question without giving a bunch of backstory and unnecessary detail. Or, start with the question and then give the backstory and detail after you write the question out in clear language. Your questions are perfectly reasonable but I don’t need to know all the back-end detail of your situation, delivered in fragmented parentheticals, to give you an answer.
Anon
No, it’s not your business to correct someone. Condense the thread and move on with your life. Get one.
Another anon
Wtf is “anxiety speak” and why do you get to dictate how people write? Seems like most folks had a perfectly easy time understanding the situation and question.
Anon
So am SO SICK of the posters who armchair diagnose anyone who has issues that are different than their own with anxiety. It’s mean spirited and, at this point, repetitive and boring. Kindly get lost and go find a new hobby – maybe kicking puppies.
London (formerly NY) CPA
I don’t know anyone who had a big confirmation party. My family went out for a nice dinner afterwards and invited my sponsor.
As far as the process, a confirmation is basically like a baptism 2.0. You make the same declarations as an “adult”, vs your parents and godparents making the declarations at baptism. After the candidate makes these declarations, the priest will do an anointing with oil to confer the gifts of the Holy Spirit (Wisdom, Understanding, Knowledge, Fortitude or Courage, Counsel, Piety or Love, and Fear of the Lord).
Anon
No, confirmation parties are not a thing. You typically attend CCD (Catholic “Sunday school”) for ~1-2 years in advance. This is ~1 hour per week for ~September – April. Vast majority of confirmants have been attending CCD since they were young, but there were definitely families that signed up only for the years of first communion and confirmation. There may be a few all-day weekend retreats and/or service days, all organized by the CCD program. Kid probably needs to be baptized and potentially also have gone through first communion to be confirmed, but I’m not sure. Will also have to state that they believe the general Catholic theology. Your kid will need a sponsor but should be old enough to work with their CCD program to identify one – some churches require sponsors to be confirmed and actively believing Catholic, others do not as long as they are supportive of kid’s belief. Sponsor will have to attend a few CCD classes too. Day of, you wear a nice suit / dress, family goes to church and takes lots of pictures, and there’s a ~2 hour service. Most families go out to lunch afterwards with their family and sponsor’s family. This was my experience in a liberal, wealthy, fairly Catholic Boston suburb ~15 years ago.
Anonymous
+1 this is a great summary! Your child will need to be in CCD for awhile…don’t worry about the party. Worry about the steps to get there, if that is what your family wants to do.
anon
When DH’s second-cousin-once-removed was confirmed, there was a party for extended family at the grandparents’ house. I think maybe 30 people were invited. They’re Episcopalian.
Anon
No confirmation party. Maybe a nice dinner or brunch with immediate family + grandma, because Irish Catholic, but that’s about it. This might vary a little depending on exactly how faithful the family is. I have some friends who did something slightly larger but they were in the minority and were by no means was it a mini wedding or anything on par with the first communion stuff.
Cornellian
I’d check an official source for what they need to believe. I remember friends learning the commandments, about their patron saint, the stations of the cross, and the mysteries. I don’t think kids really “fail”, though, so I’m not sure it’s too much for you to be worried about as an outsider to the faith.
In my experience confirmation parties are largely family affairs (parents, grandparents, aunts uncles, cousins if similar aged), and you just need to pick a restaurant or cook/cater for the party. They should have a sponsor, I’d invite them to the event.
Anonymous
Lifelong Catholic here– there is less pressure on younger people to do confirmation now than in years past. It’s OK to not be confirmed if you don’t want to be- it’s not required by the church and they really don’t want people to become confirmed if the only reason is family pressure. A person who is confirmed is making a commitment to their faith which should be taken seriously. Here’s a link for more information about what it all means:
https://www.usccb.org/prayer-and-worship/sacraments-and-sacramentals/confirmation
As for parties, confirmation is generally not a big party event. Our sons were confirmed a few years ago- we had dinner at a restaurant with family and that’s it. Their friends did the same.
Anon
This is good to hear, because 30 years ago my best friend was hugely pressured to get confirmed even though she had a lot of questions and wasn’t really sure she wanted to do it. Her boyfriend at the time summed up the courage to drop out of confirmation classes, and it was a big deal – my friend’s family then pressured her to dump him over his “abandoning the faith” (she didn’t). Neither my friend nor her (now ex) boyfriend are Catholics any more. Getting confirmed didn’t do a thing for my friend other than make her resentful that everyone in her family pressured her to go through with the ceremony when she didn’t want to.
Anonymous
I am confused. Is your ex-husband trying to convince your child to be confirmed, or is this your stepchild?
PolyD
Glad I’m not the only one! It doesn’t much matter either way, but it seems like the person who most wants the kid to be confirmed should do the majority of the legwork. My mom was Catholic and my dad not much of anything when they married. She wanted to raise us Catholic, so all CCD and churchgoing was her responsibility.
I was confirmed way back in the early 1980s. I went to the classes, went through the motions, made the right responses and voila! Confirmed. I don’t think it took, though, I am very much not religious.
Walnut
This is how my household operates. My husband isn’t Catholic, so I do the leg work. He shows up when I ask and is a cheerful participant.
Anon
I am guessing this is one of those situations where a man wants something to be done but the default assumption is that the woman will do all the legwork.
Anonymous
I don’t think there is a lot of legwork here that can’t be handled by the teen or the confirmation class. If the teen chooses to participate I wouldn’t not support them by not taking them to the Catholic Church for communion or not having a small celebratory lunch just because this is something the other parent wants.
Anon
I’m a northeast Catholic and yes, confirmation parties are sometimes a thing similar to first communion parties. They’re the same type of party, you have family/friends over, food, etc. There’s no special religious thing that goes on except the cake might have a cross on it or whatever. Some people go out to eat instead. I think I did not have a communion party so I had a confirmation party instead, my siblings all had communion parties and no confirmation party. I don’t think many people have both. Not everyone has either one.
If you are not the Catholic parent and you’re divorced I think you have no responsibility here. It sounds like your kid isn’t attending CCD or in Catholic school and hasn’t even had first communion? If so it seems pretty unlikely that it’s on the horizon. Attending church regularly isn’t enough to be confirmed, you have to do the classes and communion in a non-Catholic church will not count. The way it often works is that most people start CCD in first grade (not required if you go to Catholic school), you do reconciliation/first holy communion in third grade (some archdioceses do second grade), and then confirmation happens here in sixth grade. Everything they need to know is in the class, I remember having to study answers to a list of questions in a booklet but they never actually asked any of the kids questions. Most parents will immediately stop sending their kid after confirmation and only the kids with very religious parents are forced to attend CCD through the rest of their teen years. Realistically speaking if your ex hasn’t enrolled her by now he’s not going to – first holy communion is a bigger deal and she missed it.
Anon
Completely agree with this as a CCD dropout. (Huuuuuge issue with my mom & grandma but my dad had my back)
Anonymous
A small family lunch or dinner is normal in my area. If my child wanted to be confirmed, I would support them regardless of what the other parent is or isn’t doing—this is about the child, not about the other parent’s shortcomings.
Nesprin
I’d highly suggest delaying till kid is 16 or so. Was confirmed at 13 when I didn’t have the vocabulary/wherewithal to say no to my parents or decide on what my own religious flavor would be. (Extra credit: kid can drive themselves to classes)
bbb
Has anybody successfully gotten Southwest to extend a deadline to use funds from a Covid-cancelled trip? I am thinking about calling them to beg but don’t want to waste my time.
Anonymous
No, and I was really annoyed about it. Once the deadline expires, you have six months where you can pay $100 for a voucher to extend remaining funds for another six months. So if you have a small credit, it’s obviously not worth it, and you also have to time it carefully so the window is a time you want to fly.
Alister
No, they won’t budge. But they might let you pay $100 for the privilege to exchange an expired travel credit for Luv funds. I am an A list member and Southwest credit card holder but growing disenchanted with this airline.
Cat
can you use it now to book flights in the future on a flexible fare?
Alister
You have to complete travel by the voucher expiration date. Buying a flexible ticket doesn’t extend the timeline.
Anon
Project manager just released the wrong version of a document to an entire market because I told him I needed an hour to confirm some data and he refused to wait. I am literally shrieking in rage.
I’m only 40 and I’m going to make a retirement advent calendar.
Anon
I love the idea of a retirement advent calendar – and it does sure sound like you need one today!
Anon
I’m sorry to hear that – but thank you for the amazing idea of an advent retirement calendar. My mother is retiring soon and I think she’d love this! Now just how to put it into action…
Anon
I know someone who has a paper chain (made by her godson) for every workday remaining before retirement. She tore off a link a day. It was a bad situation, and she needed the release and seeing the chain shorten really helped her. This could also work with weeks or months instead of days, I think.
Notagirl
Oh God I want a retirement advent calendar… I am 45 and I estimate I’ll need to work another 20 years.
And OP I would be shrieking too – comiseration!
anon
I’m legit imagining what my retirement advent calendar would look like. Chocolate everyday? Bucket list items once per year? I have approximately 30 years left.
Anon
I read something over the weekend (elle decor list thingie) re how tacky it is to have leather couches in a family room. I have a family of messy people and also a long-haired shedding dog and IDK what else you’d use (naugahyde?) wouldn’t quickly get nasty. I get that I may have a house that is never be more than a Before-type picture , but is leather really all the way to tacky? [Our current pieces are leather, but 20years old, which I doubt would have survived moves and babies had they been cloth; and when the supply chain evens out, we might replace now that we are done with the moving.]
Anon
No. The list you found is nonsense.
Anon
+1. If it’s anything like the listicles that pop up in my FB feed “Interior design trends we hope never come back”, they’re utter nonsense written by an intern just for clickbait. Ignore it and make your home work for you.
Anon
Magazines are designed to sell you things. Whatever you currently is own is tacky, so you spend money to replace it. Just buy what you like.
No Face
Exactly.
Anon
Yep. Magazines are not informational. All the content in a magazine is advertising, not just the paid ads. If they’re not selling a specific product, they’re selling the concept of consumerism, in general.
Anonymous
No. And stop fretting over made up internet nonsense
anon
How is that tacky?
Anonymous
If you want to put the whole thing in perspective, go back and look at that list and found out who wrote it. Then google that person. I’m going to bet you’ll find it’s a 20-something associate editor. This is not someone who is a Design Professional and has received a national nomination to be able to declare to the nation What Is Tacky. This is someone who needs to write something to fill space in a magazine. If there is no author listed, then it’s an in-house thing that the same kind of person on the magazine staff pulled together. You then get to decide: do you want to allow this person to make you feel bad about your furniture, or let this person’s opinion and taste decide what you think? Do you really want to give this person (as nice as he or she might be) this kind of influence over your life?
Now, there’s a chance you might find that this declaration was made by a true design professional, and when you look up that person’s work and design skills and portfolio, you find you LOVE their work and their taste, and think it’s amazing and decide their opinion Should Be Listened To.
Anon
It’s very likely these days to be a freelance author located outside the United States who got paid 20 bucks to write the space-filling article. The only reason anyone paid any attention to what was written was the article’s placement in a nationally-distributed magazine. If the person had just published it on their personal blog, it would have vanished into the ether.
Anon
No. It’s really only tacky if it’s pleather or practically pleather. I think any leather that has already survived twenty years is totally fine, and is still featured in plenty of designy magazines, etc.
Bonnie Kate
that’s ridiculous. I’m an avid home decor/design enthusiast and consume a lot of home decor, and leather couches are definitely not definitively tacky. I love the look of well loved and worn in leather, so yours actually sound awesome at 20 years old.
I can’t tell what your pieces are – like a couch and matching chairs? A more “designed” look would be to not have matching pieces – so keep the leather couch, switch out the chairs/second couch for fabric chairs. A really designed look is going to have a wood/sculptural chair that is there purely for looks/visitors to sit in for like 20 minutes because it’s not comfortable to lounge in.
Although if you have a pair of matching leather couches, those facing each other is a very cool look.
Anon
I just got an insanely expensive new leather sectional that was picked out by our designer. Love it so I really don’t care whether anyone else thinks it is tacky. It fits our life and brings me joy.
Senior Attorney
I was in an actual physical Design Within Reach store over the weekend, which I think it pretty cool, and they had some beautiful leather sofas on the floor. So there’s that. I think leather is a classic.
Anon
I don’t think it’s tacky, leather couches are popular right now. See that tan leather sofa from Article that is in tons of design blogs. Were they maybe talking about a certain style, like an overstuffed schlumpy 90’s colored leather sofa?
Cat
if it’s a giant dinosaur slouchy La-z-boy look, yes, tacky. But that’s tacky in any fabric :) Leather alone does not mean tacky…
Anonymous
Leather coaches are not inherently tacky.
Of course it’s possible to choose styles and styling that will make them look tacky to other people, but magazine or blog list people are not people to listen to!
I happen to do find a lot of leather coaches tacky, but it’s never to do with the leather. It’s just how massively massive and padded some are. But there is zero reason for my preference to make even a second’s impact for anyone. Zero.
Anon
Haha I have a 30+ year old chesterfield style leather sofa that is still going strong. Am I going to get rid of it because someone who wrote an article in a magazine said it’s “tacky”? No.
As an aside, I can’t stand words like tacky and classy, and always think of people who use them as actually being tacky and class-less.
A.
Looking for girls’ trip advice. End of February, coming from Boston/NYC/Chicago. Want: good food, warm/ish, hikes and walks. Currently considering Puerto Rico, Asheville, Savannah, and Charleston/Kiawah. Sedona would be a contender if it wasn’t such a long flight (we can only give 4-5 days for this, tops). Any favorites among the above options, or places we haven’t considered?
Anon
NC weather can be miserable at the end of Feb. Definitely not what I’d consider to be warm. Maybe April? Feb here is a wild card.
Gail the Goldfish
Even compared to the NE, Asheville isn’t warmish in February. Depending on what you consider warm, Savannah and Charleston may not be, either. It could be 70 degrees. It could also be 50. February weather in the South is kind of a crapshoot. If you want swimming weather warm, Puerto Rico.
NYCer
+1. End of February is very, very iffy weather in the Carolinas. I would go with PR, Naples or Miami for that time of year.
Anon
Even 50 is quite a bit warmer than Boston and Chicago average February weather though. I agree about not being swimming weather, but she didn’t say she wanted to swim. I live in Chicago and to me the south is a warm weather place, even in winter, because it’s so much warmer than home. It’s all relative.
Anon
I will stay that NC handles bad weather differently than Chicago, so you may find a lot of places closed for the day/morning if there is > 1 inch of show. Schools shut down for less than that. So it may be good weather, but a rough trip if you are travelling in a place that has shut down.
Gail the Goldfish
Yea, the problem with winter weather in a lot of NC is because it doesn’t get that cold, we border on the freezing mark and consequently usually get more ice than snow. You can’t drive on a sheet of ice. On the plus side, it usually melts in a day. Asheville handles snow a little better since it’s in the mountains, but because it’s in the mountains, it may very well have snow in late February.
Anon
Also, Asheville’s in the mountains, so it’s always cooler than Charlotte or Raleigh. If you want to hike, you’d probably want to go to even higher elevations and be prepared for snow and ice. I like winter hikes, but that doesn’t sound like the vibe you’re looking for on this trip, so I’d stick to the coast.
Anon
Agree about Asheville, but I think Charleston and Savannah can reasonably be classified as warm to someone from Chicago or the northeast.
Anon
I would go a bit further south to Florida because it will definitely be warm then.
Bonnie Kate
+1 I’d go to the the Florida Keys, specifically Islamorada. Florida isn’t really known for hiking, and you’re not going to get mountain hikes obviously, but DH and I really enjoy warm hikes in Florida. Windley Key Fossil Reef Geological State Park and Green Turtle Hammock Nature Preserve would scratch the hiking itch near Islamorda and there’s more on other keys too. Good food, especially if you like seafood. Definitely your best bet for warm weather.
Anon
I do not think Sedona is considered warm at all in February.
Anonymous
Palm Springs checks all your buckets!
Shenandoah
Agree with others that Asheville may be too cold and potentially snowy based on what you’re looking for. I think Charleston would work just fine, but I’m going to chime in and recommend Savannah. Awesome food, very walkable downtown area (you can stroll through all the cute park squares with your adult beverage of choice!), and there are some solid hiking options – Skidaway Island State Park and Fort McAllister State Park come to mind, although obviously don’t expect any kind of real elevation change. It’s a very popular girls’ weekend-type destination.
Gail the Goldfish
Oh, I’ll add in a recommendation in Georgia, though with my above caveat that february weather can be iffy. If you just want good food and hikes and don’t care about shopping, spas, etc. and have the budget for it, you might look at Greyfield Inn on Cumberland. Cumberland’s a National Seashore, so there is literally nothing else there other than the Inn and a handful of private houses, but it’s gorgeous if you want to take walks in the maritime forests and look at wild horses and ruins of grand old houses (the Carnegies used to own the island). I’ve never stayed, just been for day trips, but I have heard their food is quite good. Winter is actually a really good time to go weather-wise (because it’s absolutely miserable in the late spring/summer/early Fall).
Cat
For good food and walks, Palm Beach. TBH I don’t think of the Carolinas as great for a February trip – warmer than home, sure, but not the kind of weather that’s worth getting on a plane for.
Vicky Austin
Tiny rant: I am trying to lose a little weight (Covid, moving stress, etc) and I hate how hard it is to sift out all the crappy disordered messages, “tips” that are not helpful, advice that will not work for you, etc.
That’s all, thanks, happy Monday.
Ses
+1. I don’t need a recommendation to cut all full fat things from my diet and that pasta is the devil, with a side of fake tummy-flattening exercises.
I feel like I just want a nudge about fitting exercise into my day, and reminders of what foods help feed good gut bacteria, and some ideas for filling salads or something.
Anonymous
You probably already know everything you need to know to lose weight. Why go looking for advice that is going to make you miserable?
Anon
I personally find moral support really helpful so that’s why I would go online.
But first I would go to a doctor.
Ribena
Me too. The only place I go online is the loseit board on Reddit. All of that stuff mostly gets filtered out through the up- and down-voting system.
Veronica Mars
I find TikTok surprisingly refreshing as they make fun of creators who militantly scold everyone about the calories in peanut butter, and it has a number of genuinely helpful creators.
Anon
Any idea where I can find elastic waistband style pants that arent sweatpants? Looking for a step up from sweatpants that I can wear in public with casual, non-sweats outfits. I just can’t with regular pants anymore haha.
Anonymous
I love the Eileen Fisher stretch crepe ankle pants for this. Following for other recs.
Anon
I commented this the other day for someone looking for a similar rec —
TRIBAL Fia Straight Trouser (purchased from StitchFix). Feel like sweatpants, elastic waistband, but can pass as dress pants.
Side note: I tried wearing 100% cotton jeans for the first time in a while recently and they gave me a huge rash on my inner thighs, so safe to say my body has rejected regular pants at this point.
Curious
That was me, and thanks!
Anonymous
I feel like this is all that is available now. Have you looked at clothing retailers?
Anon
*snort*
Anonymous
Have you looked into therapy? It’s not healthy to be this nasty with a total stranger or something so trivial.
anon
I have gotten a couple pairs over the last year or so from Loft. I’d check there!
Anon
I really like mine from Loft, also, and have the “pull on straight” pants in solid black and gray, as well as check and glen plaid. Stock has been a serious issue, and I recommend sizing up if you don’t have much of a waist. The pants I have are flat front. The ones with pleats are very unflattering and a hard pass.
Anon
All of the womens’ pants options at my local Costco are elastic waistband. There are several different fabrics/cuts and none are expensive.
Anon 2.0
Second this. Long live the Costco stretch pant!
Anon
I have Zella joggers that almost look like regular pants.
Shelle
I just bought Old Navy chinos that are very soft and comfortable. They have an elastic waist band only in the back so nobody can see it. Wearing them right now!
The Lone Ranger
JJill.
Anon
Anyone have a source for buying FFP2 masks in the US? I need them for flights to and travel within a European country where they’re legally mandated. My understanding is that a KN95 or KF94 isn’t ok, the mask actually has to say FFP2. In an ideal world we’d get kid sized ones as well but I’m assuming they’ll be less strict on little kids and our 4 year old can get away with a KN95.
Cb
Where are you flying to? I haven’t heard of anywhere being quite that rigorous. The airlines flying to Germany and Austria make announcements that cloth masks are no longer allowed on board, but I haven’t heard specific requirements, but my point of reference is hearing boarding announcements at the airport.
Anon
Italy. I think they’re stricter about masks than a lot of countries.
anon
If you can’t find any to buy, you could try Nextdoor. My local area has a lot of people with family in Europe and folks have been helping each other out with Covid requirements. Maybe you could find someone with leftovers they’d trade for N95s?
Mask rec
If N95 will do the job, we’ve been happy with the Kimberly Clark duckbills purchased from A**zon.
Anonymous
I’ve seen them at the newsagent at Heathrow terminal 2, if you’re changing planes there.
Anon
Just went on Amazon and they have tons.
Anon
I won’t buy anything medical on Amazon because the risk of fakes is so high.
Anon
I mean, it’s to pass airport security not do surgery. I’d order so I didn’t have to stress about it, but ymmv.
Anon
I want to be protected from Covid though. I’m not convinced a fake FFP2 is as good as the KN95 I normally wear. A lot of the Amazon ones also seem to have reviews saying they are sold as FFP2 but aren’t actually labeled that way, which could be a problem for airport security.
Anon
So swap it out when you sit down? They don’t police things that closely anyway
Seattle Freeze
Masklab dot us has adult FFP2 and kids surgical masks. They’re pretty comfortable but still too big for my narrow face. Took a couple of weeks to get them after ordering but happy with the ordering process and quality.
A
I just got back from Austria which mandates ffp2. But they’re also clear that kn95 masks are ffp2.
Anonymous
Regular poster going anon for this – have any other women been diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder late in life? I’m seeing a therapist for CBT strategies for (what I thought) was ADD, but she gently suggested that it sounds like a lot of my anxiety/life experiences are leading her to think I may be on the spectrum. In reading up on it, I can see it. For example, I studied ‘best friends’ as a tween/teen to learn ‘how to girl’, I read ettiquette books cover to cover and adore advice columns for guidance on how to act in new social situations, find sites like this and in-person mentors crucial for clearly laying out career norms, etc. Basically I don’t instinctively know ‘how to people’ and my social anxiety comes from not being shy but from having trouble with facial expressions/small talk/light social chit chat. I kind of thought I was just an introvert who needed guidance on professional norms (blue collar background) and who didn’t like change. I’m in a bit of shock and would be interested in hearing from other women who may have been through this – stories? how did you know? etc.
Anonymous
Ok so I’m not a therapist and I’m not saying your therapist is wrong but if everyone who fits your description is on the spectrum then basically the entire human population is on the spectrum. No one really knows what they’re doing. We all look to others for guidance. Most people are bad at small talk (whether they admit it or not – I’m looking at you, men who can’t engage in small talk about anything but sportsball). We all just fake it til we make it.
annoyed
This is not helpful. This is the exact problem actually – sure everyone has some problems with some of this, but that fact makes it harder for cases like the posters here to be identified. I literally do not understand people or what/why they are doing things, and while I was gaslit for years by people by you, its much more helpful to realize how far off I am from how most people experience things.
Anonymous
Nope everyone is not a little bit autistic. Stop being ableist and making this harder for OP
Neurodivergent Anon
Gently, this is a really unhelpful, invalidating response to someone who is in the process of getting a diagnosis like this. I am certain you didn’t mean it that way, but that is likely how it comes across. Her therapist has expressed this for reasons that she likely hasn’t fully documented here (and shouldn’t have to). Saying, oh, everyone is a little socially awkward isn’t helpful. She’s asking for people to share their experiences with this process, not to be dismissed.
OP, I don’t have a formal diagnosis, but I am in the process of exploring this with my therapist as well. I do have an adult diagnosis of ADHD and know that Autism and ADHD can go hand in hand. Good luck. It is a process, for sure and you are allowed to have many conflicting feelings about it.
Anonymous
No advice just hugs. I imagine this isn’t easy and I hope you’re holding up ok. For what it’s worth, it’s totally normal – and kudos to you for being smart enough to get it figured out, unlike so many others. Hang in there!
Anonymous
Meeeeeeeee. I just got a diagnosis somewhat recently. I’ve always known I was different, I didn’t really understand social norms or the point of them (tbh I mostly still don’t). Infact thats how I found this site. I am a pro at ‘masking’ which is pretty much just pretending to be neurotypical. I have what I call my ‘work persona’ who is artificially smiley and developed at my first highschool job. The problem with ASD women is usually we are smart… like really smart (so much so the psychologist made catty remarks during my IQ test as part of the assessment). Being smart means we can usually develop a system to appear entirely normal and functional to the outside world. This means women are chronically under diagnosed. FWIW I’m an educated and highly respected government official.
Anonnnnn
Hopefully your therapist can refer you to a neuropsychologist. I was sent to be tested for ADD, and it turned out I had ADD but also a NVLD (spatial reasoning deficits -> trouble reading body language and facial expressions -> overreliance on verbal explanations). I also chalked things up to blue collar background for a while, but I had to admit to myself that I’m probably even more out of the place in blue collar contexts (formal, artificial, and scripted contexts work better for me).
You may also find it helpful to look up ASD in women, since the typical presentation in women is very different from the typical presentation in men (women are generally expected to work harder on meeting social norms than men are).
Anonymous
I’m glad you have a diagnosis! I dated a man who has ADD and a NVLD. He described how getting diagnosed in high school, and access to proper supports, made a world of difference in his quality of life in college and beyond.
Jo March
Looking for a 0.5% OTC retinol recommendation. Budget up to $75, but would prefer to keep it under $50.
My 0.3% retinol from Paula’s Choice is nearly about done and my derm recommended that I slowly increase the strength before moving to tretinoin.
anon a mouse
I like the Neutrogena one — have been only using for a few weeks but so far so good.
anon
Not trying to disagree with a derm, but tret comes in all sorts of percentages (like .025) and you can phase it in by starting a couple times a week. For over the counter, i would check out Medik8 for a couple of different options. I have recently loved their brand for serums.
Anon
+1 this seems like an odd strategy to me
Anon
I don’t personally view retinol as a kindergarten you need to finish before you can move to elementary school. I was put on tretinoin 0.05% first, using 1x week and working towards 3x week. I think nothing can prepare you for the irritation. Save you money, get your Rx and time the start of treatment for a 1-2week window when you don’t need to be heavily on camera. I was peeling heavily and had itchy, res dry skin for 10 days. After the initial phase, I was all good.
Jo March
Thanks for the feedback, I’ll ask my derm again. I do have very sensitive skin, so I wonder if that’s why he suggested this.
anon
How do you decide what kind of therapist to go to? I’ve never been to one and I have no idea what to look for. One was recommended to me and she offers CBT, but she isn’t taking patients and recommended me to someone else who seems to specialize in the same issues but practices different methods, like psychoanalysis. And am I looking for someone with a PhD? Does it matter? I feel really overwhelmed by this. If anyone can offer advice on how to evaluate all the options, I’d greatly appreciate it. I really need to go to therapy but I do know how to go about it.
Anon
Ugh, I feel just as lost as you do, and am in the same boat. Even filtering through my insurance website for therapists in the network and accepting new patients, Im overwhelmed.
When you call a therapist for the first time what do you say if they ask what you need help with? I could use help with anxiety and possible life long mild depression, but thats not the main reason Im looking to talk to some one? (Recent family drama thats been emotionally devastating and difficult to process)
The thought of getting time off work and paying for an appointment to just find out it’s not the right fit for what I need makes me preemptively fustrated.
And all the different therapy styles sound the same to me even after many google searches
Veronica Mars
I think the Psychology Today websites are pretty helpful. You can search a great variety of therapists in your area. I’d focus on finding someone that specializes or focuses on what you want to work on (i.e., depression/anxiety, OCD, etc.); then look at the profiles and websites to see how they approach their practice, how they do billing, etc. I don’t think professional qualifications are as important as overall fit and the treatment areas you want to explore. I’d try to narrow it down to three and see if you can do a phone screen or initial consultation to see who you are the most comfortable with.
Senior Attorney
I find the Psychology Today therapist finder tool really helpful. Each therapist has a paragraph or so where they spell out their therapeutic orientation and philosophy and it helped me find somebody with whom I was a great match. And no, you probably don’t need somebody with a Ph.D. Generally clinical psychotherapists have master’s degrees (or PsyD’s) and Ph.D.’s are researchers.
Anonymous
This is not correct. There are many PhDs with clinical practices. In some cases the person making the referral will recommend a PhD for best results.
Senior Attorney
I find the Psychology Today dot com therapist finder tool really helpful. Each therapist has a paragraph or so where they spell out their therapeutic orientation and philosophy and it helped me find somebody with whom I was a great match. And no, you probably don’t need somebody with a Ph.D. Generally clinical psychotherapists have master’s degrees (or PsyD’s) and Ph.D.’s are researchers.
anon
I have to be honest, I’ve barely considered anything other than was this therapist taking new patients when I sought out a new one. Perhaps I have gotten really lucky or I am super low key about it, but I’ve had three amazing therapists over the last 20 years just by looking at a website and picking one that seemed okay enough
If you’re in analysis paralysis, my recommendation is to just make the appointment with the one suggested by the first therapist. Just do the thing! I am not a maximizer and it’s worked out well for me so far so give it a shot! You’ll know after the first appt whether it’s a personality fit and unless you have very very very specific trauma or circumstances to work through, starting with this one is better than working yourself into a pretzel trying to find the perfect therapist on the first try, you know?
Curious
I found cognitive behavioral therapy life-changing. Friends who have had talk therapy have not. So this is my belated anecdotal support for your gut instinct to ask for someone who does CBT.
Anonymous
What would you like to get as a gal-intines gift? It’s for my sister, single (divorced), nurse, lives in Nashville with her dog. Under $100. No booze.
Flowers? Snacks? Makeup?
Anon
Flowers and a Ubereats gift card.
Anon
Does she cook? I bought myself the red linen apron at Trader Joe’s, but it would be a great Valentine gift for someone who cooks. It’s $20. The linen is washed and soft and the red is just right.
emeralds
Flowers, fancy cookies or other indulgent baked treat.
Anon
Fancy chocolates? Really nice hand cream/ lotion?
anonymous
Cozy blanket, candle, fun socks (I like BlueQ), gift card to a favorite restaurant. I’m a cat person, but I think it’s sweet when people but something for my pets.
Anonymous
OP here. There are my go-tos but I feel like I just bought her a blanket, candle, socks, and toys for her dog for Christmas. :)
FP
Cheese plate delivered from CheeseGal.
FP
Charcuterie delivered from CheeseGal (located downtown but they will deliver most places around the city).
Quitting
Talk to me about the period between giving notice and actually leaving your job. Is it normal to be sad and have regrets or even be concerned that you’ve made a huge mistake? I’m sad and angry and kind of a mess, truthfully – I feel like I can’t even see the situation objectively anymore. I hope it’s just rose-colored glasses and not a sign that I’ve made a huge mistake. Has anyone else felt this way?
Anonymous
Where are you going? Can you be excited about it?
Anonymous
I’ve only left jobs on no notice or due to toxicity, so can’t quite speak to this period, but it has always been my experience when starting a new job that there is a lot of second-guessing that lasts longer than I expect and then suddenly just goes away.
Anon
I think that’s fairly normal, yes.
Anon
I cried at my going away happy hour, so yes
Anon
I currently feel that way. I am an equity partner at my firm, leaving to go in-house with a client. This is the first time I have ever quit a job for another job, and not just because I was going back to school. Because of the nature of my partnership, I had to give a very long notice. I feel sad, nostalgic, happy, excited, guilty… basically all the feelings. I cried when I told some of my partners. I cried when I sent my written notice. But I still don’t think I made a mistake, and I bet you didn’t make a mistake either.
Anon
I was very sad to leave my last job because I adored my team, but the pay and advancement were nil. I miss the people, not the company.
Is it possible that you’re mourning the job you hoped yours would be, rather than the reality of what it was? Because now that you’re moving on, there’s no chance for it to ever morph into the idealistic version of it you had hoped for?
Anon
Yes, I think it’s normal. This is a big change, which can feel unsettling and stressful even if it’s ultimately very positive. When I recently left a firm where I’d worked for 15 years to go in-house, I felt pretty sad about losing the connection to certain co-workers I liked and enjoyed (and had spent more time with than many important people in my life, which was part of the reason for the job change), but weren’t friends I’d keep up with socially.
MND
Normal IME. even when you’re moving on for a better opportunity, you may miss the people and known environment.
Leaving
Talk to me about the period between giving notice and actually leaving your job. Is it normal to be sad and have regrets or even be concerned that you’ve made a huge mistake? I’m sad and angry and kind of a mess, truthfully – I feel like I can’t even see the situation objectively anymore. I hope it’s just rose-colored glasses and not a sign that I’ve made a huge mistake. Has anyone else felt this way?
Duplicate post
Duplicate post, sorry!
Sleep Help
Has anyone had good results from an OTC product to induce sleep? Tricks for falling asleep or moving bedtime back? I recently stopped drinking and while I am certainly seeing benefits from that, now I am finding it incredibly difficult to wind down at night and wake up in the morning. I am a morning exerciser and haven’t made it to the gym once since starting this six weeks ago. I barely start my day before lunch now. While I am more clear-headed in some respects, I feel more exhausted than ever. It probably doesn’t help that I am also recovering from an unresolved break-up that leaves me tossing and turning while my mind spins out about that. I need relief quickly and medical intervention is not an option right now for multiple reasons.
Anon
I have pretty serious sleep problems, so YMMV, but I can comment on my toolkit.
My sleep neurologist said it can help to focus on the AM routine. Movement and sunlight at a consistent time every morning (even if it’s just 10 minutes of time) can help with circadian rhythms. So if you can open the blinds and do some stretches at the same time every morning, that can help your body think “I had better get to sleep on time to be ready for this.” I hate it since if I’m behind on sleep I want to sleep in, but it does help in my experience. So maybe that’s not what you want to hear, and I wouldn’t set “getting to the gym” as the goal, but waking up can be the first step that makes sleep start to happen.
No caffeine after noon. Red shift any blue lights or devices after sundown (or wear blue light filtering glasses, but I prefer to just red shift my environment). My neurologist called this sleep hygiene.
As for falling asleep at night, I have a lot of contraindications for sleep meds, so I rely on OTCs. GABA melts (if I feel wound up/racing thoughts), L-serine (if I’m also waking up midnight), and 5HTP (for melatonin/serotonin, if not contraindicated–it cannot be combined with SSRIs) are some standbys for me, depending on what’s interfering with my sleep. L-theanine can help if I broke the “no caffeine after noon” rule. Magnesium glycinate can help if I feel twitchy and energetic.
Some of those are have better evidence than others, but for me when it comes to sleep, placebo effect is 100% welcome. If I were a tea person, I might work a soothing tea into a bedtime routine. As it is, I sometimes do an Epsom salt bath to relax muscles and just to relax.
Anon
Combination of melatonin and full-spectrum CBD, plus evening meditation with Calm did the trick for me when I was struggling with this.
Anon
What helped me in the past:
* do something relaxing 1hr before I want to fall asleep (read a book, stretch, load the dishwasher, listen to audiobook or some ASMR)
* I like to take magnesium & vitamin B in the afternoon, to help relax muscles
* my last meal is 4hrs before I go to bed
* I make sure I go to bed hydrated
* my room is cold, my blanket is warm
* if I am not asleep before midnight and feel wide awake, I take OTC valeriana tablet (preferred option) or antihistamine (I found one which knock me off nicely, plus I do suffer from allergy, so win win)
* 100000 agree with the previous poster on the significance of the morning routine. Once I open the window shutters, let fresh air in, start moving around the apartment to make coffee and open more windows, my brain is fully awake. Without these little movements, I would be still sleepy.
Fyi: after i stopped the occasional glass of wine, my sleep improved dramatically, so maybe what you are experiencing are withdrawal symptoms. I felt out of place for the first one-two months. That was one year ago and I would never go back!
CB
Melatonin works for me, valerian works but wakes me up with a stomach ache. I also like a yoga nidra before going to sleep.
Anon
Try Unisom
Sleep Help
Thanks for the specific and constructive suggestions! I now have a solid list of suggestions to work with.
Leaving
Trying again as I’m stuck in mod! Talk to me about your experiences after giving notice but before actually leaving your job. Is it normal to be sad and have regrets or questions about whether this is the right move? I’m really struggling and I don’t know how much is rose colored glasses vs a true mistake. It’s too late to go back on this decision now, I’m just surprised by how emotional I am. Ugh.
Anonymous
weird question but i can never remember: how cold is low 70s? going to Disney/Orlando in a week and trying to figure out shorts? sandals? dresses? jackets? swimming outside?
anonymous
That would be too cold for swimming outside. In that kind of weather, I would wear pants, a t-shirt and sneakers. I get cold easily, so I would have a light jacket for layering.
Cat
iFWIW that’s typical late September weather for me, so think about what you’d wear for a Saturday running around at the time of year that’s a normal high for you?
Anon
I live in Orlando and would wear leggings and t-shirt with hoodie and sneakers in that weather. You could remove the hoodie later in the afternoon depending on how much sun there is that day. I would not go swimming outside in that weather, but if you are from the north it might feel warmer to you? Hope you have a good trip.
Anon
That’s fairly warm for me, especially if there’s any kind of humidity. I probably would not need a jacket in that weather, and would might be uncomfortably warm in jeans.
Anon
If you’re moving, it’s perfect. If you’re in the sun, it’s perfect. If you’re sitting around in the shade, you might be a tad chilly.
Anon
I’ll swim (in a heated pool) in 70 degrees but some people may not want to swim in that weather. For non-swimming activities, I generally wear as much clothing as I can comfortably tolerate to have better protection from the sun. So in low 70s I would definitely wear long pants and sneakers, probably a t-shirt but I would bring a cardigan for layering because if it’s 72 degrees at 3 pm it will be quite a bit cooler in the mornings and evenings.
Anan
I think it depends where you are coming from. Right now I’m sitting in 25 degree weather at home, and if I were to go somewhere in the 70s, i would be in a light dress and sandals, or shorts and t-shirt with a light jacket or sweater for evening chill.
Will the real
Very entertaining saga over on Ask a Manager this morning! Guy who interviewed & accepted the offer was not the same guy who showed up on the first day, all remote job.
Senior Attorney
OMG that was great! And kudos to Alison for the line “Cyrano de Bergerac’d their interview!”
PolyD
I actually know of a real life case of this. Took place back in the 1990s. Identical Twin #2 applied for a job and got asked to interview. Twin #1 was local to the job, so she interviewed, got the job, and Twin #2 showed up for the job.
I heard this story from Twin #1 and have no reason to disbelieve it. Far as I know, it worked, and Twin 2 had the job for a number of years.
Anon
This sounds like an amazing beach book, assuming there’s a dashing colleague who gets off on the wrong foot with Twin #1 and then inexplicably falls for Twin #2.
PolyD
Ooh, that definitely has possibilities!!
Anon
This happens more than you’d think.
Anon
I’ve heard second-hand about headset games in tech, where interviewees have a expert piped in an earpiece, to feed them interview answers. I have not heard of an actual body swap, like this seems to be.
Senior Attorney paging Curious
Reporting back on the cornbread French toast: It was delish! I cut squares of cornbread (made from Marie Callender’s mix), then cut them in half crosswise so they would be thinner, dunked them in my usual egg/milk mixture and fried in butter. I mixed up some frozen mixed berries with a teaspoon of sugar and thawed it in the microwave to make a nice saucy topping, and then topped the while thing with whipped cream (from the can, of course). Big win!
Notagirl
This sounds delicious! Thank you for sharing.
Curious
I am so late to this thread, but oh my gosh does that sound amazing. Thank you so much for reporting back. This was already on the list, but it just got bumped higher.
Anon
Very random question, but does anybody know any good immigration attorneys in Sydney? Or have any knowledge of immigrating to Australia as the spouse of a citizen?
Anonymous
If you have a 90 Day The Other Way type story I am here for it and hope you will share.
Anon
Haha nope, just married to an Australian and we’ve started talking about moving there.