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Updated: Dec 29, 2023 104 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Translucent! Fleece! Pantyhose!

Coffee Break

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Have you heard of the latest craze, translucent fleece pantyhose? Hat tip to Jean at Extra Petite, whose IG post introduced me to the idea a week or so ago — but since then they have been following me on all social media channels. So, dear readers, if you haven't been bombarded by ads for them yet, prepare to be!

Like the readers, I've always loved fleece tights — but I'm also getting a bit bored of opaque looks (especially in these days of the omnipresent leggings). So I was so taken with the idea that I decided to buy some for my birthday dinner outfit, especially since my husband and I were going to be eating on a heated patio. There are a TON of styles available for purchase, but a lot of them have longer lead times than usual for Amazon, which may influence your decision. I've pictured the GTETKDE brand because they featured skirts, but there are a zillion brands out there.

I got the Geyoga brand because they could send me my size by the time I wanted to wear them, and I was really pleased. The fleece made them crazy warm, but the “sheer” look gave the whole outfit more texture, which can be tricky with blacks. The brand I got ran a bit small, but like I said, there are a ton of options out there right now.

Readers, would you try translucent fleece pantyhose?

Update: Nude-for-you fishnet tights, fleece pantyhose, and other sheer tights are making a comeback in 2024!

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

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Comments

  1. Anon

    I’ve been listening to a lot of NPR chatter about who the new SCOTUS pick will be. It’s all very interesting. Am I right that people who are practicing lawyers are just not considered at all for posts like this? Like to the point of disqualifying someone (in practicality)? Wouldn’t those be the people who know the most about practicing law? What am I missing?

    • Anon

      I don’t think being a SCOTUS justice is about knowing the most about practicing law.

      • Anon

        It wouldn’t kill the institution if they had any practicing lawyers though. Like just 1 of the 9.

        • anon

          Most of the current Justices have at least some experience practicing law, either in government or private practice. Kagan and Barrett probably have the least practical experience, either as litigators or judges. That probably reflects the move toward younger appointees, who will by definition have less experience. Kavanaugh’s bio reads like someone who switches jobs every 2-3 years because people don’t like him.

          • Anon

            Heh — I wonder if any of them could hack it as a senior associate or junior partner. Like many have never had jobs where they had to do time entries, then battle with the client’s billing software, then deal with “bill your WIP” every day in 4Q, etc., etc. Could they write a client alert that was 40+ pages with 500 footnotes? Perhaps. But one page? I really doubt it. I get that they could learn probably.

          • anon

            Do they need to be able to write a one-page client alert to be a Supreme Court Justice though? Do we care how they’d handle billing by the hour? Either way, Sotomayor was an ADA for 5 years, then in private practice as an associate and partner for a total of 8 years. I’d vote her most likely to be able to complete the tasks you describe.

    • Anonymous

      No you’re not right. Certainly a practicing attorney could be appointed. But it’s a judge job. Why wouldn’t you focus mostly on people who have experience being judges?

      • Anon

        If the current preference is to appoint people as young as possible, they are ruling out people with the most judicial experience (who probably also practiced law). And it’s not like they pick from state courts, where there are plenty of judges.

    • Anon

      Painting with a VERY broad brush, if a lawyer wants to be a judge, they leave the practice of law at a mid-point in their career and move into some “entry level” court, whatever that might be in their jurisdiction/that they’re nominated for or elected to, and then work their way up through the various levels of courts. This is very, very broad, but it’s kind of akin to the old pipeline for politicians – school board, city council, mayor, House, Senate. Practice law first, then work your way up the benches.

      • Anon

        I think that is how it is in state court (but in my state, they are all elected in partisan races). But it’s all litigators generally. IDK how it is in specialized courts (tax, bankuptcy, “business courts,” etc.).

    • Anonymous

      Is anyone else annoyed that the Dems don’t have this ready to go? Why are we hesitating?!

      • Anon

        Because Breyer isn’t retiring until the end of the term. President Biden DOES have his short list ready and is beginning interviews in the next couple weeks. Senate is planning to take up the nom in March. They have to take care of the federal budget first, which expires on Feb 18.

    • Seventh Sister

      It’s not impossible, but one thing about picking a current judge is that the vetting (esp. if you pick a sitting federal judge) has basically already been done for that person. Sure, something new might pop up, but you aren’t starting from scratch with someone who hasn’t been in the confirmation process beforehand. Harriet Miers wasn’t a judge before getting nominated by W, but she ended up pulling out of the process and it was A Big Deal.

      What bugs me is that every justice on the court today went to one of two elite law schools in the Northeast (with one exception). We are a big country with a lot of lawyers and almost 200 nationally accredited law schools. Surely we can be more academically diverse than that!

      • Alanna of Trebond

        Harriet Miers would probably have been a great Supreme Court Justice. It’s a shame.

        • Anon

          Wasn’t she basically the Sarah Palin of SCOTUS nominees? I thought she answered all kinds of basic questions wrong and really embarrassed herself, and that she had minimal experience actually practicing law. Politically I’m sure she would have been more palatable for liberal me than Alito, but I do think they should be experts on the law and it really seems like she was…not.

  2. anon

    Oh I am getting prep school uniform kilt flashbacks from this picture! Our winter kilt was gray flannel, and I’m sure I wore it way too short, much like these models.

    • Sunshine

      I absolutely had a skirt that looked just like this in college. I’m tall and have long legs and basically believed skirts were not sold that were long enough for me. So clearly skirts that barely covered the backside were the only option. **eyeroll**

  3. CBD for an Old Dog

    Please share any experience and brand recommendations for CBD for my old dog. Long-term vet does not want to discuss, and my dog is much too old to change in what is likely to be his last few months or weeks. I think that CBD could make my dog more comfortable.

    • Anon

      If your dog can chew, I recommend Edibites. I get them at my local natural pet store, so if you have a store like that nearby you can probably just show up and find something good.

    • anonymous

      I have used the CBD MD brand for my cats. They have products for dogs as well.

    • Anonymous

      Did the vet give alternatives? What is the issue–is it joint ache? Lethargy? I support CBD use, but just randomly thinking CBD is the answer and giving it to your pet without investigating the problem isn’t the right approach, especially when not under a vet’s supervision. It should get the same respect as any other medication or supplement. If you need to find a new vet, then do so. That’s better than sourcing internet advice from people with pets in a different condition or not even the same species.

      • Anon

        OP here: I am not asking for advice on whether to give my dog CBD. I asked for the experiences and brand recommendations of others. Please read before sending a kneejerk “consult the experts” response.

    • anon

      Dr Hempdog! They talk to you to discuss your dog’s needs and help you with dosing and all that.

    • Anonymous

      ElleVet has done some cbd clinical trials, so may be worth checking them out.

  4. Anonymous

    I feel like today we are playing the Goldielocks of pleated skirts. First too long, second too short – maybe the third will be just right?

  5. Anon

    When I was a young working professional in the late 80s/early 90s, there was a trend in semi-opaque tights. We were all required to wear nose and skirts (I am not making this up – no pantsuits) and drugstore pantyhose were uncomfortable and very prone to runs. So higher end brand like Donna Karan started selling thicker but not thick nude colored hose labeled microfiber tights, and while they were more expensive than l’eggs from the drugstore, they were supposed to be more resistant to runs and save you money in the long run. I also remember them being wayyyy more comfortable than standard scratchy pantyhose.

    Unfortunately I found that the thickness pooled at the narrower parts of the legs like the back of the knees and the ankles, and pulled sheer over wider parts like the calf muscles. This may be why they didn’t stay on the market, I don’t know, but I will say it was a worthwhile trade off for me because they really were that comfortable.

    I changed jobs in 1996 and remember how excited I was that I was allowed to wear pants at the new place.

    • Anon

      I am missing my old friend, support hose. It held tight in the ankles and never ran. No blisters ever on feet. And warmer than the prettier sheer hose. I know we can wear pants now, but hard pants and ill-fitting pants (I have bonus-size hips) are their own special hell.

      It’s 2022 and no one is going to tell me that my fleece robe isn’t it’s own special sort of wrap dress (and unlike my actual wrap dress, this one doesn’t unwrap or blow up in the wind or need a cami underneath). I hate clothes. I just need a Snuggie.

    • Anon

      I gave in to social media marketing and purchased a pair similar to the featured tights here. The foot part of the tights isn’t fleece lined (which I already knew from reading the reviews). I tried them on and they seem comfortable (I am 5′ 3″) but I haven’t worn them yet.

    • Anonymous

      I am wary of trying fleece tights because of the bulk. The idea gives me flashbacks to Mondor sweater-knit skating tights. Shudder.

    • No Face

      My remember-when story about tights is about trying to find nude-for-me tights as a Black woman for my OCI interviews. Every brand had exactly one brownish color and none of them looked good on me! I went to 8 stores to find something serviceable.

      After I got an offer, I switched to black hose and tights and never looked back!

    • Anon

      Has anyone tried Sheertex? It keeps popping up on FB and I wondered if they really are strong but also comfortable.

      • Sheertex tights

        I got a pair for Christmas. They are strong and comfortable and I love the sheen. No runs so far, but there is a little bit of rubbing (?) on one knee from my desk, I think. Nothing noticeable to anyone but me. I’d recommend trying a pair!

      • Jamie

        I bought the Sheertex leggings when their company first opened in Bracebridge ON. I wear them hiking, canoeing, rock climbing and for casual wear. These leggings are indestructible and still look like new. The only issue I have is they are slightly see through but I wear them anyways.

    • Anon

      AHHHH I still have that Donna Karan hose in my drawer, in the package to keep it “nice” and prevent snags from bra straps. It cost a freaking fortune!

      • Anon

        They were labeled microfiber. I just saw a pair from 1997 on eBay, but mine were from the early 90s.

  6. Anonymous

    How much do you interact with your sisters assuming that you’re both adults/out of school; are never going to be the type of sisters that are besties who go on girls trips and share common friends and text each other all day long?

    My sister and I have nothing in common, she isn’t always nice – she can range from nice to cruel so her hot and cold nature makes me not want to interact much or share much, yet IDK I don’t see myself just completely cutting off either. But as I grow older I’m also realizing – I don’t need people who aren’t nice to me, I need distance. Any such sister relationships? I feel like IRL every sister combo I know is always jetting off on girls trips with each other or they legit never speak to each other. Brother-sister relationship info can be valuable too though not having brothers my impression is sometimes those relationships fall by the wayside not because of a falling out so much as a brother never keeping in touch/sharing anything about his life.

    • Anon

      We text b/c my sister can be mean and volatile and even a call can be fraught. I really only stay in touch b/c our children are each other’s sole cousins and actually like each other.

      • Anon

        In college, I loved being in a sorority because I finally had the sister-type relationship that I never had with my actual sister. 20+ years later, a core group of us are incredibly close, which I am very grateful for. I envy people who have this in their families.

        • Anonymous

          Wish I had done a sorority in college. It would have been nice to have one or two gfs for life – though I know it doesn’t always work out IRL, you can just as easily wind up in a sorority where no one talks to anyone after graduation except reunions, you move cross country etc. I was just so intimidated by the whole thing in college as a first gen immigrant, not super pretty, not rich at a college where there was a lot of NYC private school wealth etc.

          • Anon

            We probably could have hung out. I’m all of the above and just really loved the togetherness, sort of how some people get from ssleep-away summer camps. One of my sisters had her mom join as an adult initiate and it was the best thing ever. Her mom is awesome.

          • Anon

            I did do a sorority and it was a negative experience. I didn’t really click with anyone and there was so much drama and mean girl stuff (even at a small nerdy private college, not a big state party school). I have three ride or die BFFs from college but none were in my sorority and I haven’t stayed in touch with sorority sisters at all.

    • Anon

      I don’t have a sister, just one brother, and we aren’t particularly close but not distant either. I always imagined having a sister would be the loving relationship you envision, but I understand from friends that not all sisters are close. I am on great terms with both my husband’s sister and my brother’s wife, but not sure if those relationships rise to the level of actual loving sisters. You are definitely allowed to put space between you and your sister and to not feel guilty about it.

    • Anonymous

      My sister and I do not take girl’s trips together, though we do take a family vacation together with our kids, spouses, our brother and our dad. My sister and I text each other occasionally and get together maybe once a month, with the rest of the family for lunch or dinner. I have her kids over fairly often. But she will always help me if I need help with anything and I will always help her if she needs help with anything. We don’t have a ton in common anymore and our relationship revolved a lot around our kids and our larger family.

    • Anon

      My sister and I are polar opposites and do not stay in touch other than the occasional random text, or seeing her when my husband and I go over to my parents house for dinner (she still lives with them). I felt bad about it for a long time, especially because I know my parents wish we were closer, but at the end of the day I just don’t like her as a person and we do not share the same values. It makes me sad that I don’t have that close sister bond, but I’ve learned at this point that having a relationship with her means getting sucked into all of her frequently occurring drama and I don’t have the energy to deal with that anymore.

      • LaJolla Joi

        Wow. This is my exact relationship down to the ” I don’t like her as a person.” Also, there’s decades of throwing rocks & hiding the hand nonsense.

    • Cat

      have a text chain going that occasionally gets lively; see each other and are friendly at family times like holidays and birthdays. no hard feelings, just a different level of adult connection.

    • Walnut

      My sister and I are not close. We’re at very different phases of life and just about nothing overlaps? Neither of us invests much in the relationship, so that’s probably how it’ll continue unless one of us changes something. My Mom is so sad by it and I’ve told her to butt out of her adult children’s relationships and that its none of her concern.

      By contrast, I text my brother daily.

      • Anon

        Oh, my mom is all “you all don’t get along,” which really rankles me because I am not the person who screams on the phone or sends 20+ angry texts overnight. My sister does this to my mom, too, and has run just about everyone else out of her life. But sometimes I wish my mom would acknowledge things like what is actually going on instead of trying to hammer everything into seeming neutral.

        • Anonymous

          OP here – OMG THIS. My mother is the same way. Has three sisters herself who IMO are overly close; like now as retirees they all talk to each other individually at least three or more times a week to the point where we always know what aunt so and so is making for dinner. So she’s always sad that my sister and I aren’t like this [uh even if we were closer – we have jobs and lives and can’t be THIS involved]. So I get the guilt trip as the younger one and the one who is calmer regarding – it’s just the two of you, who else do you have in life blah blah. Reality is I’ve been the bigger person in this relationship my whole life. And my sister has vacillated between being nice if she wants something/feels lonely and wants to chat and straight out SCREAMING at me about everything that is wrong with my life and how I think I’m perfect [uh I don’t and sweetie we can’t all love our jobs as much as you do, it’s hardly a personal failing to not LOVE your job]. She screams at my parents too – mostly my mother – my mother always always overlooks it/makes excuses for her [oh she’s just stressed blah blah]. I just feel like I don’t want this type of relationship and I don’t feel that mother-child love here that’ll make me overlook this for life because I’m “only” a sibling.

        • Anon

          I have a much younger brother (10+ years) and my mom is constantly on my case about the relationship. My brother and I have basically nothing in common personality-wise, no real similar interests, different political views, we like doing different things for fun, different music, you name it. I love my brother and when we hang out we usually can find some common activity to enjoy (movies, cooking) but it’s not a ‘friendship’ sibling relationship. I consistently text my brother and check in with him maybe once a month (we don’t live in the same city) and I might hear back from him a week later. I think he has texted me twice in 5 years? Yet all I hear from my mom is how much I will regret not having a closer relationship with my brother, and how it’s my fault our relationship is the way it is (which… we both seem to be fine with?). It honestly took me years to stop internalizing that and realized it’s bs.

    • anonshmanon

      From what I have observed, this bff type relationship is most likely to evolve between sisters who are close in age. Otherwise you are in very different stages of life for the first 25 years of your life. You can develop a closer relationship as you both level off in adulthood, but it’s still not the same as having been close for your whole life.

      • anon

        Thats my mom and her sister – my mom is 14 years older and as adults they’re quite close but obviously weren’t as children since the age gap was so large (my mom moved out of state for college when my aunt was 4; my aunt was 8 when my mom got married and 11 when my oldest sibling was born). Now they’re close (talk on the phone a few times a week, see each other a few times a month), but still in different stages of life (mom is retired and a grandmother, my aunt still has a kid in college).

      • Nina

        My sister and I are 6 years apart and you’re right that our BFF-ness only started once she was in college, but we’re still in different life stages and that’s not a barrier.

      • anon

        I am anon at 3:57 below. My sister and I are 18 months apart and one grade apart. No one at school knew I even had a sister so not necessarily!!

    • Anon

      I have a brother who I haven’t spoken to in years. It happens. Sharing parents is no guarantee of friendship. My friends aren’t related by blood but I consider them my sisters.

      • Anon

        this.

        i have a brother who drained my mother’s accounts and had her take out 4 mortgages until that was a dead end. then she would send him all her ss and pension. one day she called crying because they were going to turn off her heat and it was 1200, she had nothing.

        after the money was gone do was he. not even a call on hiatus.

        i believe you may or may not get a starter kit and you add to it over your life.

    • Anon

      I have two sisters. I am very close to one, and yes, I do go off on vacations with her. I was closer to my other sister growing up, but now, I keep my relationship friendly but not close. She has bad judgment about sharing information, so she gets nothing from me that is not already public.

      • Anon

        I have this same setup. I was closer with Big Sis growing up but not so much in high school. Little Sis has become a good friend who I enjoy spending time with and we do nice family things like care for each other’s pets. We don’t vacation together for various reasons (including that no one but me can care for her dog).
        I tried to improve my relationship with Big Sis but she’s unpredictable, demanding, and unwilling to engage in genuine conversation. Because I absolutely adore her children, I acquiesce to her demand that I text her at least once per month. I have a reminder on my phone for the first of the month. I usually ask her a question, she sends a confusing response, I say “Ok!” Or “Great!” And that’s it.

    • Anon 2.0

      No sisters here but I have two brothers, who are twins. They will always have a closer relationship to one another than to me just given the fact they are twins. I also live 1200 miles away from them. We not super close. Do I get gloomy about it at times? Yes. I text them maybe once every month or two and we call at the holidays. We have taken very different, though all valid, paths in life and we just don’t have a ton in common.

    • Anon

      I have more than one sister. I just talked to one of them this morning. She has a group of girlfriends that are like her family in her new city, (we live a plane ride apart) but for the deep stuff, she calls me. Which I love. We get along and it has honestly been years if not decades since we’ve had any sort of serious tiff.

      My other sister, though, is volatile. As others have said, I pretty much limit it to text. We have not gotten together in person since well before the pandemic, and I don’t see us getting together in the future unless someone gets married or dies. It’s mostly her choice. In my view, she surrounds herself with people who believe her lies. Her brothers and sisters know the actual truth, so we’re not the kind of people she wants to be around. Anyone who questions her gets cut off. Naturally, she has her own version of this story.

    • anon

      Not everyone is at those extremes. Sister and I communicate primarily by sending each other occasional memes, and seeing each other during family holidays. Most substantive communications in between holidays relate to discussions of our older parents, our common friends or a common reality show, rather than our lives. Think of this as the equivalent of a high school or university friend that you catch up with when you happen to be in the same city for a conference (or are back in your home town and run into randomly) and maybe exchange a few texts based on a social media post.

    • Anonymous

      I talk to my sister once a week. To be honest, I barely interacted with her in my 20s (I’m 45 now). She’s very bright but can be very rigid. Ten years ago I would have described her as probable Asperger’s. There were really two things that changed. First, our mother died when we were in our early 30s. She was really the locus of our family; I made a deliberate decision to develop other the other familial relationships and, while it was VERY hard, I have no regrets about the effort. Second, and perhaps more importantly, I started appreciating what my sister could bring to our relationship instead of be bothered by what she couldn’t. My sister and I will never discuss problems with my husband. She’s single and doesn’t have (or want) many friends and she has trouble respecting people who make mistakes that she would not make. (For example, she is extremely good with money and can’t understand or empathize with people who get themselves into debt.) But… she’s always jetting off somewhere cool, has a unique and valuable perspective on politics and many other things. She doesn’t have to bring everything to the table anymore than I do.

    • Bonnie Kate

      I have two younger sisters and we’re not particularly close, although none of us are mean to each other like you’re describing your sister. Your sister actually sounds like my cousin who I grew up pretty close to, but did allow that relationship to grow apart – the hot and cold was not healthy. She seemed to want the distance anyway (the cold) and I didn’t force the relationship/gave it up willingly after a while.

      Anyway, back to my sisters. We’re kind and there for each other for life stuff, but are not close – we can go weeks without talking/texting. They usually text or call me when they’re having a really difficult time with my mom (I’m the oldest sister fixer). I posted a few weeks ago about this; my youngest sister asked me to be her maid of honor because I’m her responsible oldest sister who can keep track of a timetable/tasks. My other sister is a bridesmaid too. So we’re like that – there for the big events, holidays, but definitely not girls trips or BFF or super close intimates or one-one-one stuff. Come to think of it, we really don’t do things just as sisters – we would always have my parents or at least my mom involved.

      • Anonymous

        Good description for me too. My sister and I really don’t do anything just as sisters. It’s the relationship I wanted when I was in my 20s – to take little trips together etc. – and she never did; would basically never say no but would just say “maybe” and blow it off for months at a time. Yet if mommy and daddy wanted to travel with us, yep she was there, would never say no. So I kind of saw where I was in the priority order and backed off, hung out with friends etc. and honestly now in our 40s that does make her kind of mad/jealous, that I’m not STILL asking her to go places or frankly even telling her if I’m going until after the fact. The most sisterly thing we used to do is when we both lived in NYC we’d get coffee for an hour a few times/month but otherwise all hanging out involved parents; and even the NYC coffee thing has been 6-7 years since I moved away and she’s visited all of one time [with parents; and yes I have visited her more than that – maybe 3-4 times before I backed off realizing she didn’t care, wasn’t visiting me and then the pandemic happened anyway].

      • anon

        This is how my relationship with my sister is. We are close in age, but I’m actually closer to my brother who is a little older (and his relationship with our sister is similar to mine). We were each other’s MOH when we got each got married, because it just seemed like the right thing to do/ didn’t want a public slap in the face/ didn’t want my mom to get super upset. We’re just very different. I’ve been a lawyer for 15 years, she does hourly jobs despite being well-educated. I have kids, she has never wanted kids. When we were younger adults, she seemed to resent any interest I took in her life, seeming to think it was some sort of condescension, which I didn’t intend, so while I think she’s happy where she is, I don’t ask probing questions. There’s no active conflict, but we are just not close.

        • Anon

          There’s something to be said for just having family in your wedding party. I know so many people, including my own sister (and I was relieved, didn’t want to wear that floofy dress), who chose their friend group at the time as their wedding party, and now they’re not even in touch with those people. Sisters are related forever, even if you’re not best friends.

          • Anon

            I agree. I wish I had just done my sister-like BFF and my husband’s sister as bridesmaids. I’m not close to my SIL but she is family and will always be in my life. I didn’t stay in touch with the other two girls.

          • Anon

            Counterpoint, I’m SO glad I did not follow family obligation and include my sister in my wedding party. My MOH was my best friend since elementary school who I first met when we were 5, and she planned an incredible bachelorette and gave the sweetest, funniest speech. My husband on the other hand had extreme pressure to pick his older brother as his best man despite the fact that they are not close and have nothing in common. My BIL’s speech is literally still talked about by my parents’ friends as “the worst speech they’ve ever heard.” Not just the worst wedding speech. The worst ever. It was so bad that my boss told the CEO OF MY COMPANY about it. And while it probably wouldn’t have been worth the family drama of not having his brother as best man, and we laugh about the story now, we were horrified at the time. So, I think the idea of “keep it in the family” really depends on your relationships. My best friend will always be a part of my life. After our parents die, my sister will likely only be in my life when she wants to ask me for money.

          • Anon

            Yeah, but who cares if you’re not life long friends with all your bridesmaids? That seems like a really strange thing to get hung up on to me.

    • Anon

      My husband and his sister basically never interact except when they see each other in person, but there’s no animosity and we see them a reasonable amount. I would say at least one visit in each direction once a year, so getting together probably twice a year on average, which seems like a reasonable amount considering we don’t live within driving distance of each other. We have invited her and her husband to join us on vacation on occasion as well. The visit frequency is driven in large part by the fact that my kid really likes her aunt, and they’re her only biological aunt and uncle so we (especially me) think it’s really important to maintain the relationship. If we didn’t have a child I expect we would see them much less. There’s no conflict, they just don’t really have any interest in talking to each other. Brother-sister relationships do seem different than sister-sisters. Most women I know with sisters are either really close to them or can’t stand them, I don’t know any woman who has a neutral feeling toward their sister like my husband does.

    • anon

      Barely. We text each other on birthdays and sometimes my dad loops us both in on a short-lived group text, but I know next to nothing about her day-to-day life (I know who her husband is and what her job title is). She is a perfectly fine human and I would help her out if she needed it, but we aren’t friends and I am completely fine with that. I have amazing friends who aren’t related to me. I have no idea what my sister’s email address is honestly lol

      I’m not particularly close with my parents either tbh. Also totes fine with that!

    • Vicky Austin

      Hey, so I have 2 younger sisters and Middle and I have had a wonderful renaissance in our relationship over the last year or so. We were barely involved in each other’s lives from the time I went to college until about a year ago, or maybe closer to the beginning of the pandemic (time isn’t real). The main things I think helped revitalize it were:
      1. Time
      2. I was saddened enough about never hearing from her that I managed to overcome the way that I always managed to feel snubbed by her
      3. I made the effort to engage in trivial daily-ish chat (sending her cool things relating to mutual interests on Instagram, sharing political irritations) and to follow this up by asking her about her life, weekend plans, how her boyfriend is doing, her job
      4. I put history out of my head. OK, yeah, so there are some things I’d really like her to apologize for. #2 helped me realize further that there are probably some things she’d like me to apologize for, too. And maybe one day we’ll have those conversations. But for right now, I don’t want to do that so badly that I would forego the friendship we’re creating, so I’m just not thinking about it. And when she does something that irritates me now, I’m honest and straightforward about it.

      Mary Schmich said in her graduation speech called “Wear Sunscreen” that “the older you get, the more you need the people who knew you when you were young.” I’m gonna need my sister (and her well-chosen husband-to-be, and my other sister) as my allies in wrangling our aging parents and facing the world. They know how to make me laugh in a way nobody else does.

      • Vicky Austin

        After reading other comments, I’m back to say that some of this is also inspired by watching my dad and his siblings have virtually no relationship (in a way that I felt my sister and I were beginning to emulate), which bit them in the ass when it came time to bury their father, and watching my mother have more contentious, but extant, relationships with her two siblings and therefore the ability to band together and make their parents’ respective last days much more pleasant and smooth.

      • Anon

        I love this and I think you’re so spot on. My sister and I are good friends, but not best friends. And I’m so grateful that we’ve taken a similar approach in valuing the relationship and our shared history. She will understand things about me that no one else ever will quite as viscerally.

    • BeenThatGuy

      My sister is my best friend. We live 3 blocks from each other. We take family vacations together and spend all holidays together (Super Bowl and Oscar Night are holidays in our family too). We help each other with our children. We are there for each other in every possible way. That doesn’t mean we don’t disagree and fight. It’s a relationship that we’ve chosen to nourish after watching our parents have horrible relationships with their siblings. I’ll also add that we have 2 brothers and they suck as humans. Blood does not guarantee you a close relationship with someone. Just like all other relationships, they take work.

    • Anonymous

      I have a brother and a sister. My brother went to jail for dealing drugs for a few years and is now a part time mechanic and walks dogs. My sister is bipolar (but stable) and lives across the country.

      I am a boring suburban working mom with 2.5 kids and a dog and a retirement account. (I’m also the oldest).

      I see them both on Christmas. They sometimes send my kids random stuff for holidays.

      We do not do girls weekends or anything like that. Unless you could when I had to fly to California and get her admitted to rehab when she was 21 after she had a complete manic episode.

      You see what social media shows you. The people that don’t do girls weekends with their siblings don’t post about it ;).

    • Meara

      I have a sister and a brother. My sister and I haven’t lived in the same state in 25 years (since I went off to college, she’s a few years younger) but we are pretty close. We dont talk on the phone often but have been playing some games together occasionally through the pandemic, and have vacationed together in the past, and sometimes visited each other. I’d love if she lived closer but so far no luck. We also know many of each other’s good friends at this point, and like them, which is really nice.

      My brother, on the other hand, moved to another country 15 years ago and is extremely radically different in politics than my sister and I. She’s had some screaming fights with him, and we’ve both had to block him on social media. These days we only hear from him if our parents send us all something, and even try to avoid him on the rare occasions he returns for the holidays. Which is a bummer. But I’m glad I at least have my sister!

    • Anonymous

      My sister, three years my senior, and I did not get along particularly when I was a kid. While I would say I was just not that interested in her once I was about 10, and just thought she was pretty weird and awkward when we were teens, she was actively adversarial toward me, mostly out of envy/competition. When she went off to college, we could get along well enough for a visit, but we didn’t communicate other than around holidays/birthdays/family events. For about 10 years, I was her financial safety net and not much more. But now, in our 40s, we have come to be a bit more communicative and supportive with each other. I’ve visited her in her home state a few times and we’ve had some family vacations. Those trips have bonded us a bit. We’ve had a chance to look back on our childhoods and bond over some weird stuff that happened with our parents that no one else experienced, no one would understand, and most probably wouldn’t even believe. I am glad I have that other person to confirm my lived experience. We still are very, very different people, but she reaches out for help sometimes and is the one person in my family who actually asks me questions about my own life. I am glad we have more of a relationship, even though we aren’t “Let’s go to Aruba together just us girls” types.

    • Anon

      Seen my sister three times in 12 years. She’s mean in all sorts of ways: says cruel things about my husband and about me and refuses to apologise, brought her sick kid when I was immune compromised and is mean stingy, super rich and never buys gifts or loans her empty vacation house but complains about the gifts we get her and her kids, and used to treat my home like her own (till I moved somewhere less desirable).

      Such a shame as we were close as teenagers but I’ve come to realise she is not a nice person.

  7. Anonymous

    For the first time- my savings account has more than the balance on my student loans! I have all government debt, so payments have been stayed/paused during the pandemic with no interest.

    I plan to keep saving money and wait until this spring to see if there is any forgiveness announced. Otherwise, I plan to just pay them off and then focus on rebuilding my savings. (I have a 3 month emergency fund that isn’t counted here, I can probably get up to 6 months by May if I am super frugal)

    I’m not a Dave Ramsey follower but aware of it- I absolutely hate this debt and will be 100% debt free once they are gone.

    What else do you ladies recommend I think about? Anyone else thinking about a big payoff?

    • Tea/Coffee

      That is amazing, congrats!!
      So either way you will have some extra cash every month (after forgiveness or paying them all off, yay!). Think about saving / investing going forward. Can you contribute more toward your employer’s retirement plan? Or invest it in a different account… this could be a good “second three months of savings” if you ever had to tap it. I have an account with betterment (lol autocorrect just changed that to i have a beer) that i do my best to forget about. It’s appreciated close to 50% over the past five years or so and will (currently) give me a comfortable three month cushion if i absolutely needed it. In the meantime, it’s just hiding so that i don’t spend it.
      And do something nice for yourself once those loans are paid off!!!

  8. anon

    I caught up on sleep last night (yay!) but definitely have a sleep hangover today; I’ve been groggy/sluggish and have accomplished pretty much nothing today! I’d like to do a “reset” of my day and knock out some work/home/life things between now and meeting up with a friend in 3 hours. Any tips for snapping out of my funk and getting some stuff done?

    • Anon

      March in place for 5 minutes, swinging your arms vigorously and singing loudly. This tends to work out best if you are working from home rather than in the office.

    • Anon

      For me, these days need to be lean protein and veggie days. Minimal carbs, even whole grains. My brain needs fuel like salmon or egg whites when I feel like this.

  9. Another Anon

    I’m looking for some sort of financial/tax advisor. So far, most of the financial advisors made available through work or other connections seem to be focused on investments, and also seem to be giving very generic advice. What I would like is someone who can look at our current financial status and income to help work through various scenarios. For example, what to do with a windfall in our particular situation. We also need to start having our taxes done professionally, and receiving tax planning advice.

    What category of professional am I looking for here? Any keywords that will help me narrow the field? Does the same kind of professional give both the financial advice and the tax advice? Any particular recommendations of a person/firm that provides this service? We are in the South Jersey suburbs of Philadelphia, but with everything going virtual I’m not sure distance matters.

    • Marshmallow

      This reply is belated, but if you’re still around– for at least the “what to do in various scenarios,” I highly recommend the Financial Gym. We’ve been using them for a couple of years and they are perfect for that sort of thing: how much of my paycheck should go to savings/student loans/investments/fun money? How should I spend this bonus? They will drill all the way down into your exact monthly income, specific account balances, etc. They can give pretty high-level tax advice, but I think you’d want a separate tax advisor if you have a complicated scenario.

      If you post a burner email either here or in tomorrow morning’s post, I probably have a referral discount I can dig up and send you.

  10. brokentoe

    Check the website of the National Association of Personal Financial Advisors. It’s a group of fee-only advisors who aren’t trying to sell you anything.

  11. Anonymous

    How do you decide whether to sell or rent out your house when you’re ready to buy another house? We’re eligible for a VA loan so we don’t need a down payment in theory, but I’d like to put down a bit of a dp so we won’t be upside down when the market dips. I’ve owned my house for 10 years, so my mortgage payment is pretty far below market rent. The house is in a popular neighborhood and won’t stay on the market long for either rent or a sale. DH is about to go through a career transition and will have time to devote to being a landlord. Fwiw, I bought before I met DH and the house is in only my name, so if I sold and used it for a dp then it’s taking my personal assets and making them marital assets, which I think is ok but I throw it out there as a possible factor. What should we think about as we consider whether to sell or rent the house?

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