Thursday’s Workwear Report: Elbow-Sleeve Sweater Tee

328 Comments

1. I have so many jackets with bracelet length sleeves. I was thinking about altering some shirts to come below the elbow or end right above it.

   1. I wish every shirt ended below my elbow – not sure on the reason, but it is by far the most flattering length on my petite frame. FWIW, I do often alter nicer long sleeve dresses to this length.

      1. I feel the same way.

2. Travel help please. Is anyone familiar with the train lines to get to Berlin from Copenhagen and back again? My grandparent wants to visit Denmark and Germany and has already booked the flights in and out of Copenhagen. They’ll be there for 17 days total. Right now they’re thinking of taking the train to Berlin right after they arrive and use Berlin as a home base for day trips for the front half of the trip and then take the train back to Copenhagen and use that as homebase for additional day trips. I’m trying to help them figure out if they need to book train tickets in advance (my recommendation) or if they can just buy them once there (more flexibility). Also, any recommendations for cities worth visiting in those areas would be appreciated. Is it worth trying to tack on a ferry ride to Sweden? They mostly like exploring quaint little historic towns and nice meals.

   1. If they can walk a bit, Potsdam is a gorgeous day trip from Berlin via train. There is a cute small downtown area, and then Sansoucci (sp?) palace and gardens. We loved it!

   2. I haven’t done that express route, but I haven taken the train a lot all over Europe and from Germany and I’ve never bought tickets more than say a day or two in advance once I’m there.

   3. Are you familiar with the Man in Seat 61 https://www.seat61.com/? His site gives lots of information about train travel and ferries. My sense is that he keeps it updated reliably.

   4. I took the overnight ferry from Copenhagen to Oslo and loved it. It was beautiful to see Oslo from the water and, at least at the time, it was actually cheaper than a hotel room in either Copenhagen or Oslo!

      1. It’s cheap because the ferries are party cruises, I think alcohol is about half of the income source of the ferries.

         People from Norway go on “booze cruises” to be able to buy tax free goods (alcohol and nicotine) and party on the boat. No reason to avoid if you’re not partying, but in the Oslo-Copenhagen direction there might be some noise.

   5. Train connections to Europe is not the best out of Copenhagen, usually Hamburg and then a change is your best bet. This should give you an idea of what is available: https://rejseplanen.dk/webapp/?language=en_EN#!P|TP!histId|2!histKey|H646078

      Other than train, you can take the ferry to Oslo overnight: https://www.dfds.com
      Lots of ferries to poland: https://www.poland.travel/en

      You could also take the train to Stockholm and then the overnight ferry to Turko/Åbo in Finland

   6. And I forgot to say, I would book seat reservations in advance (pretty inexpensive) here: https://travel.b-europe.com/dsb-rail/dk/reservation-only#TravelWish (sorry, only in Danish).
      and then wait to buy the actual tickets until you are in the country

   7. The DB Navigator App is pretty decent for searching connections, booking and showing the electronic ticket.

      1. I live in Germany and second the DB Navigator app, especially for the real-time status information in case of late, rescheduled or canceled trains (which happens regularly).

         Prices are significantly cheaper when booking ahead of time – they should book at least two weeks in advance to get the best prices. And definitely reserve a seat for longer journeys!

   8. They need to get a train to Hamburg first, and then change train for Berlin.

      There are trains that will take them directly without additional train changes from Copenhagen to Hamburg, so don’t get the routes with 3-5 changes, just the one.

      Here’s the German railway homepage: https://www.bahn.com/en

      They can also get a train from Copenhagen to Sweden, not just ferries! Just 40 minutes to get to Malmo, or a few hours to Gothenburg. These tickets can be bought from the Swedish railway: https://www.sj.se/en/

      I would prebook to get a cheaper tickets and a reserved seat, especially when travelling with a lot of luggage. Major European railway stations do generally still have counteres as well as ticket machines, though.

      They might be train enthusiasts, but I might add that the flight time from Copenhagen to Berlin is 1 hour, but the train is 6-7 hours, so they could also consider flying one way.

   9. As a trip from Copenhagen I recommend Roskilde, 25 minutes by train and they run all the time. Lovely medieval town, a museum with real viking ships and a breathtaking cathedral which is on the unesco world heritage list. We were big fans

3. I’ve been asked to wear a white outfit for dinner and clubbing for a friend’s bachelorette in Miami. I’m trying to find something that is fun, not see through, and not very expensive because I’m unlikely to ever wear it again. I tried RTR and didn’t see anything that spoke to me, does anyone have suggestions for something to rent or buy under $100

   1. Lulus!

      1. Lulus always had great cheap dresses. Their style reminds me of revolve without the insane markup.

   2. Who are these people who tell other people what to wear? So glad I don’t know any of them.

      1. Very common at bachelorettes, unfortunately

      2. I think it’s fine to ask them to wear a certain color for one night. I always thought it was black though so the bride would stand out in white.

   3. Have you checked Lulus? They likely have loads of dresses that will fit your criteria.

      1. Lulu’s is always the right answer for these sorts of events.

   4. This seems like a Poshmark situation.

   5. I’d order 5 options from the sale section at Revolve to try on. It might be because of where I live but I always get my package within 1-2 days and returns are easy.

   6. I had an event like this (a work retreat unfortunately) and I got a white v neck shirt and a white skirt, on the assumption that I could wear them again separately. I think I got them both from anthropologie, as I didn’t have any white clothes before. I wear the skirt less often than the top but it has generally worked out.

   7. Cleobella has very pretty white summer dresses that you may actually (want to) wear again.

   8. In Miami, I’d get maybe a sparkly white tank or crop top and some sort of fancy white shorts / skirt so you could maybe reuse each piece IRL. And some sort of shoe that is maybe comfy (flatforms? can you club in white sneakers? I live in a flyover state, so IDK how people roll in 2023 but I’ve seen both in teens HoCo pics this year, which is the only good sign of anything I’ve seen lately).

   9. Okay I was on Macy’s for something else (whoops) and found a few:
      A little over budget but I LOVE it: https://www.macys.com/shop/product/steve-madden-lana-contrast-collar-tuxedo-dress?ID=14882311&CategoryID=5449

      Quintessential bachelorette dress: https://www.macys.com/shop/product/morgan-company-juniors-v-neck-sleeveless-mini-dress?ID=14575068&CategoryID=5449

      Wild card – again, I love it, but it also kind of looks like what a space captain might wear to her wedding: https://www.macys.com/shop/product/bar-iii-womens-metallic-mock-turtleneck-sheath-dress-created-for-macys?ID=14804512&CategoryID=5449

   10. This one from WHBM is on sale if you’re any of these sizes https://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/product/sleeveless+white+lace+trim+dress/570322390

       1. This jumpsuit is also fabulous, although over budget https://www.whitehouseblackmarket.com/store/product/strapless+jumpsuit/570321436

   11. For something like this, I’d honestly hit up Goodwill.

   12. H&M would be my go to for something like this. They have loads of dresses, but maybe something like this:

       https://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.1119745001.html
       https://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.1075062006.html
       https://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.1130064002.html

       Retro:
       https://www2.hm.com/en_us/productpage.1104720004.html

       Or River island:
       https://www.riverisland.com/us/p/white-satin-twist-detail-blouse-761965
       https://www.riverisland.com/us/p/white-pearl-hem-straight-leg-trousers-762070

       Zara:
       https://www.zara.com/us/en/sweetheart-neckline-dress-p07634636.html?v1=184325422&v2=2186101
       https://www.zara.com/us/en/satin-effect-shirt-dress-p08273543.html?v1=189289022&v2=2186101
       https://www.zara.com/us/en/-pT0229054251.html?v1=192001908

       https://www.stories.com/en_usd/clothing/dresses/mini-dresses/product.tweed-belted-mini-dress-white.1097797003.html

4. What TV shows/podcasts/books have you really gotten into?

   I’ve been in an entertainment slump lately and want to break my rut.

   1. I don’t watch much TV but I’ve really been enjoying Three Pines on Prime.
      I read Demon Copperhead over Christmas and it was a brick of a book, but really beautiful. I’m currently reading The Crane Wife, and while I loved the original essay, I’m finding all her romantic entanglements a slog.

      1. As someone who read all of the Louise Penny/Gamache books, Three Pines is too different for me to get into! I keep saying “but that didn’t happen in the books!!!” That being said, would highly recommend the book series for some light easy reading. I also recently binged Wednesday, which was definitely a teen drama and the dialogue could be cringy at times, but was still thoroughly enjoyable. My husband and I are currently watching The Expanse and getting quite invested in that – if you like sci fi, would highly recommend. It’s on Amazon Prime.

         1. The Expanse is great!

         2. I couldn’t even get through the first episode because it was so different from the books. Seems like it is probably an okay show on its own, but I love the books too much.

      2. I loved the writing in The Crane Wife memoir but I agree it got repetitive with so much about her love life. We get it, you love mess.

   2. Podcasts: Gatecrashers, It Was Said
      Books: The Oppermanns (Feuchtwanger), The Latecomer (Korelitz)

   3. TV Shows: Surface, Fleishman is in Trouble (great book too)
      Books: Gideon the Ninth if you like Sci-fi, The Personal Librarian if you like historical fiction, The Fortunes of Jaded Women for lighter fiction

   4. We just finished Wednesday, which I was reluctant to start because it seemed very CW/teen drama to me but I actually really enjoyed it! It has a quick moving plot that helps it move along from some of the more teen elements.

   5. Podcasts: Sold a Story (about how badly we teach reading)
      TV: White Lotus, Andor, Ms. Marvel, Wellington Paranormal, Derry Girls, The Good Fight
      Books: also a big fan of Demon Copperhead, Strangers to Ourselves by Rachel Aviv, The Displacements by Bruce Holsinger, Forbidden City by Vanessa Hua, The Evening Hero by Marie Myung-Ok Lee

      1. I loved/was horrified by Sold a Story!

   6. Podcast: Unexplained – if you like Phoebe Judge’s voice, you’ll like this guy.

   7. TV: Wednesday (I am yet to meet someone who wouldn’t like it), Marvelous Ms Maisel, Tokyo Vice, Good Fight.
      Books: I read a lot during my sabbatical, wasn’t lucky with my choices
      Audiobooks: I love listening to Harry Potter in all the languages I speak

   8. For folks who like true crime, the “I am a Killer” and “I am a stalker” serieses on netflix is really good. Disturbing, but good.

   9. Wolf Hall for a second time, after seeing it recommended here multiple times. I love it as much or more than the first time.

   10. It started slow, but I’m really liking Andor. I am not really much of a Star Wars person (if anything I deliberately never try to remember the backstory) but Diego Luna and Andy Serkis are really amazing, as is Denise Gough.

   11. Podcasts: Dead Eyes (my fave of all time), Normal Gossip, In the Dark (both seasons are fantastic), Welcome to Nightvale (an oldie but a goodie)

       TV: we just binged Kaleidoscope on Netflix in two nights and really enjoyed it

   12. Show: I’ve been enjoying Starstruck. It’s really funny.

       Book: currently reading Flight by Lynn Steger Strong and enjoying it (sibling drama if you’re into that)

       1. Oh I thought Flight was SO good!

   13. Recently watched and loved: The Bear, Our Flag Means Death, and Hacks.
       Also watched the first 5 seasons of Billions and got really into it. Love me some Bobby Axelrod.

5. Anyone work in DC or politics and have anonymous juicy stories to tell about this week? Please share!

   1. My husband wants the lying NY congressman expelled and I keep trying to explain how procedurally that can’t happen without a speaker. How many rounds of voting will there be? What do the Vegas oddsmakers say?

   2. Not entirely relatedly, but I hope that audiences understand that the kids were in the chamber yesterday to see their parents get sworn in. I joked with DH that someone somewhere was looking at the TV and wondering why the US elects children to the House.

      1. It wouldn’t really be worse.

         1. Truer words . . .

         2. No kidding!

         3. It would be better. My 5 year old is much better at resolving conflicts with her peers than members of Congress are.

      2. At one point, I saw what looked like either a very young staffer, or a teenager standing next to Matt Gaetz, and it made me deeply uncomfortable

         1. I do the NYT games (spelling bee, wordle, etc.) with my kid and we’ll skim/talk about the headlines. Matt Gaetz is responsible for my having to explain the word ‘pedophile’ to him. Yay. That man is disgusting.

            1. I do the NYT games too. See you at midnight! (That’s when the spelling bee resets on the west coast)

   3. I’m a lobbyist and haven’t heard any juicy stories. All of us are just sitting around like, “yup.” For us, this isn’t drama in the way the media’s making it out to be – sure, it’s historic, but it’s not surprising at ALL. It’s just the next step in how these members (the disruptive ones) operate.

      1. So one question I have re George Santos. Does opposition research not exist anymore? I’m not surprised that this is coming out but very surprised that it is coming out only now. Can someone explain the timing in a way that makes sense?

         1. I don’t have an answer to that question, but the New York Times Daily podcast was about George Santos today if you’re interested.

            1. Listen to today’s The Daily podcast. It does and some of this was identified in the oppo research but just ignored because it wasn’t a high profile/stakes race.

         2. https://www.washingtonpost.com/media/2022/12/29/north-shore-leader-santos-scoop/

         3. I am completely aghast that no one in the Republican party, nor the Democratic party, nor anyone in the local or national news media vetted anything about this guy before election day. It’s one thing to lie about one part of your background, but this person’s entire backstory was fabricated. How does that get missed? I’ve done reference checks on employees where a few five-minute phone calls revealed everything I needed to know. No one thought to pick up a phone and check this guy out before he got elected??

            1. See the WaPo link I posted at 10:59. The local press DID expose him – no one listened.

   4. Follow AOC’s insta stories

      1. I can’t believe MATT GAETZ, of all people, asked her if she was going to get the Dems together and help.

         1. I saw a pic of her laughing and Garth looking pissed off, I wonder if that was the moment.

            I will say I really enjoyed the pic!

   5. I was singing “You Don’t Have The Votes” from Hamilton all day yesterday.

      1. Next step: The Capitol moves to Wyoming.

         1. Excuse me. I forgot Cheney is on the outs. Arizona?

      2. My husband walked in the door from work last night singing “You don’t have the votes” haha.

6. Weird question: does anyone consider lifting to be their cardio? My heart rate definitely gets up, I’m sweating, and I walk around between sets. It takes me 5-10 minutes after a session to bring my heart rate down. (Prompted by a story in the NYT about how much cardio vs strength to do.)

   1. I’m still a workout beginner and I definitely get my heart rate up with lifting weights. I do workout programs on Fitness Blender so I do a combination of cardio and strength workouts.

   2. I don’t think it’s a weird question. I skimmed the article. At my gym–admittedly, a classic, strength-training gym–they pooh-pooh cardio. Bit of a game-changer to me, after decades of Jazzercise, running, step, and so on, which was fun (well, not the running, which ruined my knees) but did little. *I* certainly huff and puff while lifting.

      What I’m struggling with is whether strength training counts as weight-bearing for maintaining bone strength. Doctor says no. Articles say yes.

      Sorry — this is no help! Interested to see what others say.

      1. Honestly, my exercise philsophy is to do whatever I enjoy/can do consistently rather than worrying about a perfect balance. I cycle and walk everywhere, go to yoga, and do nordic walking with the old ladies in my village, which they claim is very good for bone density.

         1. What is Nordic walking? Is it like what NY transit commuters do, speed-wise, but in nature?

            1. You’ve got poles. Looks ridiculous, but the old ladies have all the gossip, and the Garmin says I’m burning more calories than an ordinary walk.

            2. Man, at first I was like “since when are Poles a Nordic people” and then had some caffeine.

            3. I 100% want to do nordic walking with the village old ladies in Scotland. Like, I’d pay to take this vacation.

            4. I want this too!

      2. What does your doctor say counts as weight bearing for bone-density purposes? I have always thought that meant weight lifting!

         1. Walking counts.

         2. I’m curious, too. Does the doctor mean bodyweight exercises?

            During strength training, I work up a sweat and have an elevated heart rate — not as much as cardio, of course, but I think it counts for something? I use cardio partly for overall health and partly because it does a great job of burning off my anxiety. Now that I’m in my 40s, I am trying to increase my strength training for longterm health and wellness, but I don’t plan to quit cardio (which some sources recommend for weight control).

         3. Only actual weight-bearing exercises: walking, running, dancing, I guess (ha!). She turns her nose up at my swimming, which I prefer for my bad knees. Anything high-impact is how I ruined my feet and knees years ago.

            I don’t like walking for exercise, for so many reasons. (I’ll walk for a purpose, but I moved from a subway town where I walked a lot to a car town, so that was that.) If my bone scan isn’t better next summer, I’ll have to take some old-lady supplement, so I’m doing better counting calcium grams instead. It’s just the GYN — GP doesn’t get on me about it.

            1. Swimming is not weight bearing. That’s the whole point. If you’re already worried about bone density maybe take your doctors sensible accurate advice and go for a walk.

            2. Also idk why dancing gets a “ha”. Like do you want strong bones or not? Take a ballroom class it’s fun

            3. I am early 50s and just started the meds for bone growth after a serious bone break. Those meds are no joke and have a lot of side effects. My advice is to get all the weightbearing exercise you can. I was a competitive swimmer and did very little weightbearing exercise until recently. I don’t regret making swimming my sport because I had a full scholarship to a good school but I wish I had added running and hiking to my daily life in my youth to build those bones.

         4. For increasing bone density, your bones have to be bearing weight against gravity and they care most about the big bones in your legs and hips, as those are the ones that are most likely to break with devastating health consequences when you get older. So my understanding is that weight lifting targeting your leg muscles can still be helpful, but doesn’t do as much good as literally bearing the weight of your body during an hour of walking or another type of cardio workout unless you can figure out a way to really target your hip bones with very heavy weights.

            1. I used to be a big biker but have to temper it a bit (so I read trash on the recumbent bike and count that as a win), so walking a giant dog and hiking (often with said giant dog). You won’t get a run out of me without chasing me, but I also live in a 2-story house and am constantly forgetting things, so that has to count for something also.

   3. I would not consider lifting to be cardio unless it’s lifting as integrated into a HIIT class or something. It’s obviously still good for you and important, but not the same.

   4. As long as your heart rate is in the target zone, it counts.

      1. +1. My PT says it has to do with how long of breaks you take between reps, etc. If your heart rate is in the zone consistently, that’s the definition of cardio.

   5. I like running so I have that cardio, but weights using large muscle groups (lower body or total body exercises) definitely get my heart rate up. Not so much for arm work or ab/core work that doesn’t engage the whole body. I am also a Fitness Blender devotee and a lot of their strength routines are designed to keep your heart rate up.

   6. IMO lifting is not cardio, unless it is one of those Body Pump style classes – yes your heart gets pumping but not nearly long enough, and it is primarily anerobic vs aerobic exercise.

      There can be a bit of a middle ground I think, but it needs to be for more sustained periods – think of the long programs that ice skaters do – they are a mix of aerobic exercise and crazy muscle strength. But those are 4 minutes straight of all out exertion with few pauses, which is not how people typically lift.

      1. Lifting can be a form of HIIT, though: get your heart rate up for 30s, recover for 30s. If you do that long enough, you’re increasing your cardiovascular fitness. It’s just that once you’re more fit, lifting alone (especially with small muscle groups) may no longer get your heart rate up enough.

         (Source: PT for recovery from chemo, which killed my cardiovascular fitness such that walking to the mailbox half a block away became cardio…)

   7. If you’re working larger muscle groups (think quads, hammies) or doing a superset of complex exercises, your heart rate will definitely rise, but I don’t think of it as part of the cardio that I do for heart health. There are some HIIT style strength classes that some people take for cardio, but I don’t think of them as strength bc you really should be going lighter to avoid injury, and then you’re probably not lifting heavy enough for real gains. This is all just my personal experience, though (used to be a cardio queen and now do a mix of strength, mobility, and cardio).

   8. Shopping is my cardio.

7. For budgeting code reasons my team ‘needs’ to outsource stuff to consultant firms and oh my god they’re the worst. I just had to sit through this green MBA talking down to the world’s foremost expert in our field, she has multiple PhDs and literally wrote the book. There were only so many times in the meeting I could say ‘Dr. X understands that concept from her research/field work/etc, let’s move on’ but consultant dude was still not getting it. Thanks for reading my rant.

   1. You’re the client. You can tell the firm you don’t want to work with mansplaner.

      1. This – for extra emphasis you can word it along the lines of ‘I’d like to request a meeting to discuss our KPIs/deliverables/goals – I’m concerned that your consultant is placing the success of this project in jeporady by disregarding the expertise and insight from our subject matter expert as well as displaying a lack of cultural competence/not meshing well with our team.’ They work for you – ‘cultural fit’ and working well/taking advice from industry SMEs is something good consultants NEED to learn. If he doesn’t take you seriously (which, frankly, he might) this is 100% something you can and should raise to the senior person as a necessary development point. Consultants work on an ‘apprenticeship’ model and some of the junior folks simply aren’t good at shutting up and listening yet. Any consulting firm worth their fee will take this type of complaint very seriously.

         1. +100

      2. Yes, you can totally complain about him. They should listen.

         1. Agreed, and also? PhD should feel free to cut him off. I do it all the time with that kind of consultant. I’ve expressly said “move on, I know that.”

   2. As a consultant, this is so cringey. Many/most of us just want to help our clients, not showboat!

   3. I’ve had this discussion: ‘I’m concerned that there’s not a match between the skill set of the consultant who is being assigned to this work and our organization’s needs. We have extensive technical experience with X and after witnessing A, B, and C, it’s clear that this is not fulfilling the ask.’

      Then you ask to meet with the partner to discuss, they apologize profusely and suck up, and you end up (hopefully) with someone who has been around the block.

8. How does one get involved in local or even state-level politics / run for office? Is there some gate keeper person or organization (local dems group perhaps?) that is the marionette of it all? I can only picture the plot line of The Campaign, for any of you who know the movie (watch it. you’re welcome) and the Motch Brothers cherry picking the candidate.

   Asking for two reasons: First, I listened to The Daily this morning which dissects the unraveling of George Santos, which has me very curious how someone like that even gets elevated to the level that they have a real shot at winning the R nomination, let alone the general election. Like, someone in the R party had to back him and help elevate his profile, no? And, second, I’ve ALWAYS had a strong desire to get in to politics. I’m not a lawyer or in politics in any way at this point but, without disclosing too much, I’m increasingly curious about how I might get started or dip a toe in.

   1. It probably depends on your area. In mine (NYC), I know there are local party committees that wield a lot of power in terms of determining who gets on the ballot, partly because in many races here only the primary is competitive. They also tend to be very corrupt. But I think they play a more key role in state or Federal races, not the more hyper local city council seats. Getting involved in the local Community Boards is a common training ground for a successful run for city council, as is working for a city council member.

      1. Agreed. My husband has held several elected positions and generally it seems people start with a school board position or something small and then work their way up to city council or a county position then maybe state legislature and then a larger office like mayor, governor, or congressperson, or some similar such path. Being involved with the party helps too. Any way to get some experience and get your name out there related to politics is a good start.

         1. Yep. Start small and work your way up. Many communities have volunteer boards (environmental, historic, Main Street, etc) that report to the city council.

            1. +1

               I was shocked that a local volunteer on a community “board” (for Disabled Community Access)… who knew NOTHING about disability or the community or access needs, within 1 year was on the governing board of the city, and is now running for statewide office. She is not that smart, but honestly, not that many people are interested in running for these offices, and it isn’t that hard if you are motivated to move forward…..and she was. So off she goes…

               Some states are more corrupt than others. Money talks a lot. Who knows who. Donors will help you if you can help them. It is so depressing.

               I always think back to the “locally loved” lawyer who managed my elderly great aunt’s finances/estate once she entered a Nursing Home. He stole all her money, never released any of the financial records when requested by the family and never returned a phone call, and went on to become the Governor of his State.

         2. For us, the School Board is actually big time (city consolidated school district), so people start as Precinct Committee Officers (PCOs). You find out the process to get on the ballot for that by being on your Legislative District mailing list. I actually got elected and promptly moved, so was never confirmed in office, but that’s our feeder position.

   2. Run for Something supports young progressives. She Should Run supports women. I’m sure there are other similar organizations to look into.

      1. The local candidate I volunteered for started by volunteering for another local candidate (herself a first time officeholder) in 2020. He did Run for Something the winter before his campaign got up and running in earnest. It was good for learning how to make the most of limited funds and how to run a disciplined campaign, which he did very well. Beyond that, our local democratic executive committee is a hot dumpster fire, so there wasn’t a ton to get out of that group aside from playing nicely with all the various personalities.
         Unless you intentionally want to run the first time just to learn/gain experience campaigning, find an open seat. Running against an incumbent, even a bad one, is WAY more difficult and expensive.

         1. One other thing – start paying attention to and speaking at local commission meetings on issues you are interested in or feel strongly about. Start now, as opposed to being that person who is obviously the one who is getting involved just to run. The question of “How many times/what have you spoken on at commission meetings” came up for my candidate time and time again. His many, many appearances as a private citizen also created a ready-made library of clips (meetings are recorded) and position statements when it came time to set up his campaign website.

         2. Ours is a hot dumpster fire too! They deliberately choose the most left-of-left policy and people to support, and anyone who disagrees with them on say, tent encampments next to schools, is basically Tr*mp 2.0.

            1. Ours is a bunch of aging hippies that think there is One True Way (how it was done in 1960), won’t use technology and would rather whine than actually put forward policies, candidates and programs to actually do something.

            2. We have that, plus a bunch of people with more money (and time) than sense who think they the voice of the workers and the underprivileged! Goodness gracious, I thought it was only my local club! I wish the national party could do something.

            3. *they are

   3. There are some great national groups that can help you too – Run for Something (their full name dot net) or your state/local EMERGE chapter could also be helpful. Eventually yes, your local party may be important but it really depends. I’d start with Run for Something, they are amazing!

   4. If you’re in TX, Annie’s List is another organization to look into. I believe they’ve run classes in previous years for aspiring female candidates and campaign manager volunteers.

   5. It’s very area-dependent, but generally, start by attending local party meetings.

      If you’re a Dem, check out Run for Something – they take interested people and help turn them into candidates.

   6. Headdesk. No, the party does not always back the winner, although it helps. Some self fund or get massive grassroots support. Sometimes, the other party funds the weaker candidate in the primary, who they think is more beatable in the general. (I have seen this happen multiple times; my fav was when the other party pushed a candidate who had a DV conviction who was running against a squeaky clean Marine in the primary, knowing the DV guy would be easier to beat in the general. Of course, the DV conviction was not mentioned at all.)

      Not to be jerk, but if you don’t already know this stuff, don’t run for office.

      1. Gross. What a horrible comment. Are you familiar with Patty Murray? Someone once condescended that she couldn’t change policy because she was “just a mom in tennis shoes” and now she’s third in line for the presidency behind Kamala (temporarily until there’s a Speaker – once there’s a Speaker, she’s fourth). Good people taking an interest in government is how things get done!

         But of course you know Patty – you know everything about politics and running for office.

         1. Now I’m curious. I say things like that when I want to point out how Wall-Street or ivory tower clueless the other person is being. “I may drive a minivan in a flyover state, but . . .”

            1. It was the ’80s. Patty Murray has fully embraced the tennis shoe dig and frequently wears them with suits. She’s an underappreciated icon. https://www.murray.senate.gov/biography/

            2. Not my party, not my state, but I do like how she rolls. Suspect she would be fun to have living on your block to toss back porch drinks with.

         2. As a Washingtonian, I’m tickled the Pres Pro Tempore is one of our Senators, and also that a teacher can rise to that office.

      2. OMG you’re so right, what we absolutely should be doing is gatekeeping more interested, motivated women out of politics because they don’t already know the ins and outs of the system! So fabulous of you to volunteer as gatekeeper, way to show your support. (I hope this is obvious sarcasm)

         OP – in my city the League of Women Voters holds an annual seminar on “So You Want to Run for Office” where they help women who are interested in getting into politics put their toes in the water. It is supposedly nonpartisan. Maybe look for something like that in your area?

   7. I’m my town there is a group of people that have typically been the gatekeepers/kingmakers on the liberal side and to a certain extent our local chamber of commerce board is the same for the conservative side. Where I live you certainly don’t have to be chosen by these folks, but it is helpful for running a campaign, especially if you’re new to it all.

      Our city clerks in conjunction with League of Women Voters put on a how to run for office workshop every year. It’s very helpful. Our local Dems group has done the same. If you can find those in your area, definitely go. People are always looking for a pipeline of candidates, so this is a good place to go to meet the folks who are already involved and get to know them better.

      My other advice is start going to meetings. Learn what the current issues are and what the ins and outs of them are. This might require going to work sessions or committee meetings. I don’t blame anybody for not following the minutiae of local politics, but if you want to be involved you do need to know what’s going on and why certain decisions have been made the way they have.

      The other thing is that in my town the council appoints people to various advisory or empowered boards, like the planning commission. This is a great way to start to get experience that makes you sound competent to the gatekeepers and to voters. But, I’ll admit, I was advised to apply to be on the planning commission for a few years before running for council and I didn’t wait, I just went straight to running for a council seat.

   8. If you’re progressive and in Georgia, you should apply for the WIN Leadership Academy: https://www.gawinlist.com/about/campaign-school/win-leadership-academy/.

9. Something has been niggling at me, and I’d love to hear the experiences of folks with teen/grown kids. People who decamped from the city to the burbs/country when you had kids… what do you do when they are out of the house? Do you stay? Do you still feel integrated into the community once you don’t have a school connection? Or do you move again?

   Currently we’re in a town of 9,000, within an easy commute of a big city, where my husband works. It’s a plane ride away from the city I ACTUALLY work in, but that hopefully won’t be the case forever. I’ll only be 50 when my son leaves for uni. My parents stayed put until they retired and then moved to Southern Europe to be closer to us, but it’s definitely been a doozy dealing with a new language, immigration processes, etc at 64.

   1. I’m at the age where my friends are making this decision. It’s split and very person dependent. Some have dream homes and love their communities and wouldn’t dream of moving back. Others loved the city and only moved for schools and have itched to get back from the day they left – they’re selling and moving back.

      1. I would LOVE a small 1bed in NYC/downtown Boston/Chicago. I hate driving and love cities but my husband is the opposite (truly HATES city living) so I think I’m SOL on that plan.

         1. Same… I’d live in a city centre flat and my husband would live on a remote Scottish island. I will eventually get my driver’s license but I hate driving and I just don’t ever want to do it on a regular basis.

            1. You’re originally from the US, right? I have a friend who moved to Scotland who took a driving class to really get comfortable with the whole “driving on the wrong side of the road” thing if that’s part of the hating driving.

            2. Yeah, I think I’d just need a few lessons on an automatic to get the hang of it, but we’ve got a manual transmission so I’ve been stalling til we get an electric car.

         2. Oh bummer! Would he be willing to live in a college town – walkable for you, no heavy traffic for him?

            1. I have family that retired to Akron Ohio, where they have a 1930’s very cool house on a big yard in a neighborhood with lots of big, old trees, good sidewalks, and walkable to grocery shopping, bars, shops, and restaurants.

            2. My aunt used to live in Canton-Akron and loved it for this.

            3. We stayed in Akron one night at an old 1930s mansion that’s now a B&B for a quick trip to Cuyahoga Valley National Park and there are a surprising number of very cool 1920s/1930s houses; apparently Akron used to have a lot of rubber & tiring manufacturing $$.

   2. I’m curious to hear responses too. We moved to our state for work but neither of us has family/old friends here AND the taxes/cost of living is quite high. A LOT of people move once their kids are older (or downsize) to avoid taxes/crowding/snow/etc. We do have a good community (friends, lots of culture, great local healthcare, etc.) but MA just doesn’t feel like my ‘home’. We talk about where we’d like to move to as we age/retire and so far can’t land on anything. We’ve also seen 3 aunts/uncles selling condos/homes and moving back to where their kids settled after getting tired of being so far from family (and wanting to see their grandkids more).

      1. In Massachusetts, a lot of people tend to leave once the kids are grown. The school systems are fantastic; the cost of living is insane. It’s a great place to raise kids, not so much to retire. (Well, the health care is unparalleled.). Some stay put and complain about the property taxes and snow.

         1. We’ve definitely seen that – during covid 4 people on our street sold and moved further out into the ‘burbs (all older with grown kids). On the flip side, a surprising number of our friends ‘inherited’ houses/old rental properties from parents who bought ages ago and handed down the homes to grown kids while they buy a smaller condo/2-3 bedroom home. Given the COL in our state we’d love to be able to do that (our kid adores our area and hates city living so we can see him staying here as an adult).

      2. All good points, but MA is by far the most accommodating state I’ve ever seen for retirees. Seniors can work-off their property tax bill by volunteering for their city or town government credited at $15/hour. Seniors (anyone 60+ that is) in my town get heavily subsidized hot lunch daily, free taxi service, fuel assistance, farmer’s market vouchers, a pedicure clinic, art classes, etc etc. It does make me jealous that there are no comparable services for a middle aged adult who is working and paying those high taxes, but at least I know what is possible for my own future.

         1. We’re early 40s and actually looking at moving TO Mass from the south. 1) Global warming is real and we hate the heat, 2) It’s so, so tiring watching people complain about how taxes are “out of control” (our bill on a $600k house on 100 acres is $1,100 – not a typo) and the local government is running on a shoestring and the schools are in deplorable physical condition and county teachers are paid among the lowest in the state. Yes, taxes are high up north, but it seems worth it to us to pay $10k-$15k annually to support good schools, libraries, public services, etc. Rising tides do lift all boats.

         2. It really depends on the town and on the situation of the older people. I lived in a W/N town and knew many wealthy retirees who loved it and did not plan on moving until they went into fancy assisted/step down living. OTOH, given skyrocketing home values, many along the 95 corridor cashed out and moved to the Cape.

            I try really hard to not judge other people’s lives, but I know several thoroughly middle class families who bought along 128/95 in the ‘80s, lived on one income (imagine police officer at MBTA, elder care nurse), have grown kids who live in other states (or at least one hour away), complain 24/7 about the taxes, and refuse to sell. That’s their prerogative. It’s also mind blowing, like, 75% of your net worth is in a 1,500 sq ft house within walking distance of the Commuter Rail in a town with good schools and you can’t understand why selling now is a win/win.

   3. We live in a Big Family House on 2 acres in a town in the frigid north with super high taxes and blue ribbon schools. The unofficial town motto is “educate & vacate.”

      We are planning to buy a second home soon on the coast that is big enough for us to retire to should we want that option, possibly one in New England and maybe eventually a condo in SC or FL.

      Once my youngest is off to school we will likely sell the big house and downsize to something with decent bedrooms/guest space but fewer square feet and likely vaguely central to where some of our kids are living. Our house now is 4500sq ft; my inlaws live in 2300 with 4 BRs but one is an office, one is a sewing room and one is a guest room. Something like that with a finished basement for any grand kiddos would be great for us long term.

      We have 3 kids and I would want to be able to host them at holidays if necessary.

      1. Educate and vacate, amazing! We’re in 1100 square feet now, so I’m not sure how much further we could downsize :) Maybe I’ll live my tiny home fantasies in retirement. All our neighbours are retirees, but they seem to have local family/kids.

      2. Ha, ‘educate and vacate!’ love it. I have plenty of work friends who bough in Cambridge/Brookline/Lexington when they couldn’t afford downtown Boston (or had young kids) in the 80s/90s and are now sitting on absolute fortunes in real estate. They aren’t going anywhere but they are vocal about the fact that they could never afford their homes now.

   4. we’re in the middle of the Decamping Life Stage with friends and preschoolers leaving the city, but our block has several empty-nester couples who moved back in when their kids were grown, and they are loving it.

   5. I’m super curious about this, too. Right now we can afford city living with kids, so here we are.

      My parents are immigrants from another country, so once they moved to home city and got green card sorted, they stayed. DH’s mum toyed with moving close to us but it all was too much (plus I think she likes her LCOL city/house – which should couldn’t get here unless she moved to a far-out suburb – which, fair).

      FWIW – I lived in a place that was on paper great – politically very blue, smart people, museums/art, etc, but was HCOL and never felt like “home”. We moved back to my red state/blue home city a few years ago, and it actually feels like home in part because of the people (including family + old friends) and the general vibes here.

   6. I live in a Midwestern college town that’s bigger than your town but not big enough to have an airport (ugh). Neither of us had any connection here except my husband’s academic job. I also have only one child and will be 51 when she goes to college. We plan to stay here until she’s settled somewhere permanently and then move to be near her family (assuming it’s ok with her), especially if she has kids. My parents did that for us and it’s been really wonderful, and it seems to me like that’s a huge benefit of only having one child (if you have two, how do you choose?) I think being so involved with their grandkid has really helped my parents stay young. They’re mid 70s but look and act mid 60s to me.

   7. My parents thought they would move back to the city once my siblings and I were out of the house. They wanted more entertainment options, walkability, and less home maintenance. They spent a couple years in the city and realized it wasn’t for them anymore. In the suburbs you get used to plentiful living space, the convenience of running errands in your car, space away from others, and safety. City living wasn’t as exciting for them as it was back in their twenties so it felt like a drop in their quality of living.

      My parents ended up moving to a modest sized house in the suburbs that’s walkable to the local “downtown” area. They can walk to a strip of restaurants and coffee shops but still have all the other benefits of suburban living.

   8. I live in a close-in older suburban part of my city, about 2 miles from the city center. We have tiny older homes on generous city-sized lots (.2-.3 acres) and most new people moving into the ‘hood are empty nesters from further out in our city. The like walking to things like restaurants and community theater and being able to walk to NFL and NBA games while not sharing walls and having one door to the outside. I feel bad for my kids, who have no same-aged kids anywhere they can safely walk to, but neighborhoods further out are wildly segregated by kids-at-home status (I just didn’t know that until after having kids).

   9. so my parents and most of their friends (now in their 70s) have stayed in their area (Montgomery County MD) and many have stayed in their original homes, though some have downsized. I think they only have 2 friends who own homes in warmer places and a few own second homes that are close by. in a pre/non-covid world my parents and most of their friends seem to prefer to travel rather than own a second home (again they are all mostly healthy, with the exception of my mom who passed away ~ 5 years after my parents made the decision to renovate their current kitchen and stay in their home and spend their funds on travel rather than a second home). for us right now it is very TBD. Our kids are only 4.5 and we are still very much developing our community where we live. My parents didn’t even move to their community until I was 8 and my sister 5. In my head, I see us selling and relocating back to the east coast (right now we are in TX), but I think it depends on where the kids go to college, etc. bc i want them to have a place to come home to.

   10. I’m very torn about this, and I’m still quite a few years from needing to make this decision. We have a house that we love and, in theory, should work for us for a very long time. It’s a family home but not obnoxiously large, and we’ve put a lot into making it our own. We’re deeply rooted in our community and have family nearby. And yet, if my kids move far away, I’d want to live closer to them, assuming they’re OK with that. I have zero desire for city living. If anything, I want to decamp the ‘burbs for an acreage or something even more remote.

       1. We had cousins move to a cool vacation island (DINKS) and that was fine (and awesome for us) until they started having major older-adult medical things and then having to deal with ferry service and chemo (or new hip follow-ups) was enough to bring them back to a medium city where there are a lot of good local doctors and even once they stop driving, it’s a quick taxi or Uber. So I don’t see living remotely except for maybe the first summer of retirement, which I plan to be a total Rumspringa.

          1. My father in law and his wife moved from the UK midlands to the Sunshine Coast in BC and every medical appointment beyond a GP requires a ferry and an overnight stay. I’m so perplexed by this decision.

             1. My parents aren’t in a place that remote, but the closest hospital is an hour’s drive and most of their doctors are in a town about 45 minutes away. They have all the time in the world, but I think it finally dawned on them that it’s not that much fun to spend the whole day at the medical office complex. My mom has announced that she doesn’t want to drive in her new city, and I actually think she’d love rideshare services if she took them more often. She’s a talker, and a lot of the rideshare folks in her new city are students and young people who probably have interesting stories.

   11. I decamped from NYC to a more suburban city (but still large-ish–I think we’re about 500k in the city proper?) even without kids because I wanted space and a yard where I could have a garden and easier access to outdoor activities (hiking and horseback riding, mainly). Do I sometimes miss NYC, yes, but I can visit. If anything when we retire, we’ll probably move more rural when we don’t have to commute to an office (well, husband, anyway, I mostly work from home these days)

       1. I decamped to a suburb of NYC and I absolutely love it here (although we have only been here a few months). I just bought my winter wetsuits so I can go paddleboarding!

   12. My daughter just finished college and I am still in the suburban house I bought for proximity to good schools and am not leaving in the foreseeable future. That said, the bedrooms and full baths are all upstairs so I do not anticipate staying in this house until I die.

       Part of me would love to move to something closer to the coast and more walkable. I have another 10 years to work, the commute is not the best part of my day and it is definitely suburbia. Reasons I stay are complex. My friends are mostly here or in their own suburbs. (Mom friends do not all stay friends once the kids are grown but some definitely do.) I have relationships with my neighbors. I have a (large) dog and need a yard. And (perhaps most important) I bought a house in Southern California in the late 90s and I would get eaten alive in capital gains taxes if I sell because my gains are far more than the exemption (fortunately property taxes are not an issue in California whether I stay or go because I am over 55).

       The plan for the future partly depends on how long my parents (who are nearby) live, their health, and what my kid ends up doing. There are a couple of difference possibilities but what I end up doing is largely dependent on things that are hard to know in advance. I am going to seriously revisit this when I retire since by then I should have a better idea of what the next 10-20 years is going to look like.

   13. My parents left their bedroom community for a beach town when my dad retired in his mid-60s. My mom semi-retired, then completely retired when they moved to the beach town. Now that they are in their mid-70s, they’ve decided to move to my sister’s neighborhood in a mid-size city. They liked living in the beach town but it’s kind of remote and their property’s value nearly doubled in the decade, so they are cashing out. I also suspect taking care of their current house is a LOT for them and they just don’t want to deal with it anymore. My retirement dream would be one condo in LA and one condo in Palm Springs, but we’ll see. The only thing I’m sure I’m not doing is my in-laws’ plan – be carried out feet first from their exurban tract house after failing to repair it / making bizarre renovations that will have to be unwound before anyone wants to buy the big stucco pile.

   14. We’re still in the city (it’s not a very big city) and are planning to move to a more rural area when our son is launched. I would have left the city during the pandemic if my son hadn’t been in a good school he really liked and wanted to stay in. But he’s got 18 months left and then will be in college, and my husband and I are already planning our next move, which won’t be staying where we are. I imagine we won’t actually move for another 4-5 years or so, but we’re already looking for a house or land in the area we want to move to, and will buy that, start using that house on weekends (or build on the land) and then transition over and sell or rent out our current home, definitely before our son graduates from college.

   15. You’re getting pretty far ahead of yourself – isn’t your kid only like 5?

       Anyway, my husband and I have actually talked about moving out of our big house into something less urban, if you can believe it, when our kids are out of the house. We’d like to use some of the equity in the house for a cushion in retirement. My husband is now retired and I’m on the glide path – just a few more years now – and our kids are in college, one graduating this spring.

       Our plan to move keeps getting postponed. First of all, we need the big house to house the kids as young adults as they’re getting on their feet. This is just how it is now where we live (Bay Area) and I would like them to be able to save for a couple of years before paying outrageous rent. Second, where do you put everyone when the kids (and hopefully their kids) come home for visits once they’re launched? If we really downsize like we had talked about, I don’t know how that would work. Third, and this applies in your case, even now when my kids come home they want to see their hometown friends. If we decamp to, say, the central coast, they’d still have to visit the Bay Area to see their old friends.

       We’re still in the thinking this all through phase but I think we’re in this house for at least 5 more years, if not forever. I love the house but hoped to live on one level as an elder, and we have no first floor bedrooms.

10. Hi all, does anyone have experience with self harm in young children? My 5 year old will scratch or pinch herself as a punishment if she thinks she did something wrong. DH and I talk to her about how much we love her and how she does not deserve a punishment, and how punishments don’t work, and she did nothing wrong, everyone is learning/making mistakes…but she still thinks that she deserves a punishment. She has some perfectionist tendencies and is focused on being “good.” When she feels like she has done something “bad” like taken too long to put her pjs on, she will get frustrated and punish herself. These are not things that we have made a big deal about, but have mentioned the steps in the nighttime routine: bath, pjs, teeth, books. We also don’t classify things as good and bad. She says she sometimes hurts herself at school. I talked to her teacher about it and she said that she hasn’t noticed but she’ll keep an eye on it. This is so scary coming from a kindergartner. We have an appointment for therapy, I just wanted some advice from here if anyone has been through this.

    1. So I was this kid and I’m really glad you’re getting therapy for her now. I did this stuff in secret and so my parents weren’t aware of it. I then developed an eating disorder starting at age 9. I finally got therapy when my parents found out when I was 12. Ultimately, my underlying issues were severe anxiety and severe depression. I am sure this is so scary for you, and I’m sure the prospect that your child might have a mental illness is also scary, but you are doing the right thing by getting help now! I believe if I had gotten treatment for my anxiety in particular when it first started, I might have avoided years of suffering. If you don’t feel like the therapist is the right fit or isn’t taking this seriously, keep looking until you find one that works.

       What helps with the actual problem will be highly variable – I was initially treated with talk therapy (which honestly didn’t do much for me), but it was medication plus CBT that finally made the difference to me. I was much older when I finally got treated, though, and I’m sure the approach for young kids is different. As an adult I don’t need ongoing treatment.

       1. Thank you for the encouragement and sharing your experience. So glad that you received the help you needed.

    2. I’m so sorry you’re going through this and very glad you’re getting her into therapy. Any chance her teacher is heavy on rule-following? I had some teachers who, in hindsight, weren’t amazing and exacerbated some of my issues as a kid (anxiety and OCD). I hope she starts feeling better soon (and you too!).

       1. She did mention that her teachers were yelling a lot and using a harsh voice a few times before the winter break. I was hoping they were able to have a relaxing break and would come back refreshed. I know that there are a couple of high energy kids in her class that bug her.

    3. You are such a wonderful Mom to be watching and listening so carefully. I also had this tendency when I was very young, and my parents missed it completely. I used to pull out my hair, and hit myself and scratch myself. I left many clues, but none were responded to. By the time my parent’s marriage started crumbling, I knew I couldn’t say a word and started hiding things well.

       For me, it was a manifestation of severe anxiety. People just didn’t know in those days. In retrospect, I would have needed medication much much earlier. Clearly when these behaviors are manifested so early in life, in stable supportive environment without abuse, there is likely a genetic tendency that needs to be treated more aggressively. To think that CBT (huge help to adults) can work in a 5 year may be optimistic, but I would definitely favor starting therapy as you are. Hopefully they will guide you and your husband, and it sounds like you are doing super well in supporting her.

       1. BTW – I also had perfectionist tendencies at that early age. But I also made it through, despite the added stress of an unstable home environment. It did have severe repercussions though on my social/personal development, so the interventions you make now for your daughter will reverberate throughout the rest of her life.

    4. My 1st grader used to pull out her eyelashes when she was tired/frustrated. She’s also the most anxious of our kids. We are watching her closely but it seems to have waned with age and better management of her sleep.

       I would absolutely look into help for her ASAP.

11. Apparently my skin has changed this past year because the eye cream that was my holy grail product (Cetaphil gel cream) isn’t cutting it this winter. My eyelids and under eye area are tight and itchy. any suggestions for a new eye cream? Preferably something in the $20 range.

    1. It’s not $20 but I absolutely love Sunday Riley’s eye cream.

    2. Look for a non-gel formula, something that says cream on it. I like biossance and Bobbi Brown, but they’re also not $20. I’d look around the drugstore for something labeled rich cream.

12. Going on an overseas trip soon, and I usually check my bag, but this time I want to carry on my luggage. How strict is TSA with requiring liquids to be in a quart sized bag? All I have are gallon bags, but I wouldn’t fill it up completely. I have Precheck, if that makes any difference.

    1. Not at all strict and it doesn’t matter at all in checked luggage.

       1. Oh sorry, saw you have the opposite question. They’re still not at all strict and the baggie requirements doesn’t seem to apply, I haven’t used one in ages and I fly multiple times a month.

          1. Overseas, though, you can get dinged and dinged hard, especially in Europe. I would buy quart sized bags.

             1. oh, I see people already said this below. sorry!

       2. OP said she wants to carry her bag on for this trip.

    2. This isn’t what you asked, but just putting in a plug for purchasing a TSA approved quart sized bag for liquids. I’m able to fit so much more in the bag I purchased than a flat ziplog baggie.

    3. With maybe one random airport exception (because they really all seem to do it and care differently, and I think small airports are often on power trips and therefore stricter!) this won’t be an issue at all, especially with precheck. I don’t even take my liquids out (or use a baggie! they’re all in my cosmetics case) in the precheck line anymore!

    4. It also depends on where you are traveling. LHR security is not going to let you through. I have a TSA approved quart size bag that is marked as such. No go at LHR. The bags they give you do not have gussets and things don’t fit well. I’ve had to leave many liquids behind there.

       1. Yeah, you’ll be fine leaving the US, but the overseas airport security can be much stricter. Dublin, Heathrow, and De Gaulle are all sticklers.

          1. I had to throw liquids away in the security line when leaving Dublin last summer.

    5. I have precheck and have stopped putting my liquids together in a bag. (Have my makeup in one bag, medicines in another, hand sanitizer in a convenient pocket, etc.) So far so good.

    6. It has’t been an issue domestically, but my bag was pulled in de Gaulle in October because I had a tube of sunscreen that was too large and not with my other liquids. Weirdly, the screener just put it in a plastic bag with an official-looking sticker on it and put it back in my bag.

       1. That happened to me at CDG too. They’re much stricter there than in the US. In my case it was that I had too many small sizes to fit in one ziploc.

          Their solution was to scold me and show me how much fit in the ziploc, but then they sent me on my way with all of my stuff.

    7. I was thinking of using 2 separate quart size bags and putting them in different bins. They don’t check which belongings go with which person. I can’t see how this wouldn’t work, especially as others have noticed that the TSA seems relaxed about this in general.

    8. With pre check as long as you have small sizes of toiletries, they don’t really clock how many of them you have. I often have some in both my tote and my roller. They’re not standing at the x Ray saying “wait a minute, when we add up the tote and the roller it’s more than a quart size ziploc in total!”

       But don’t carry anything over 3 ounces. That will get you pulled out of line and inspected.

       Source: haven’t checked a bag since 2010-ish, and I was an annual 1K on United pre-pandemic.

    9. With pre-check, not a problem on the US side, I’ve used gallon bags and filled it about 1/2 way and folded it in half and was fine. I had to pull my liquids out of my backpack at CDG on a connection recently, just what I use in flight, and did have them in a quart bag, and the guy watched people taking things out, so I’d be cautious depending on where you go. Just wanted to mention that DH and I are not carry-on people when we travel international, and we do so frequently. If you’re trying to carry on due to the luggage issues reported in the media, we’ve had zero checked luggage problems flying several times internationally this year (including when things were a hot mess in May and we connected through AMS) or domestically over Christmas.

    10. If you’re going through security in Europe, do the quart or get a quart sized clear toiletry bag. You will hold everybody up, since you will absolutely be stopped – and you will loose your items, at least in the UK.
        If you have a lay-over with a customs clearance in Europe, there might be another security point, and you’d loose the things that were okay in the US.

        The last year I’ve noticed a lot of Americans holding up queues at Heathrow security, big toiletries everywhere in their carry-ons. I thought they were just very inexperienced travelers until I read here on Corporette that the US is getting laxer on liquids.

13. DH and I have a dream of owning a lake cabin someday. In our immediate vicinity, the lakes aren’t outstanding. Ideally, we’d be within a day’s drive. Are there any Midwesterners here with recommendations where a) property might actually be available; and b) within 8-10 hours of Omaha, NE? We do not want to be on a party lake; that is not our vibe. A small lake community would be OK, but we want solitude and privacy. Currently have two school-age kids and would love to have a property for the long haul.

    1. IDK re driving distance (probably too far unless you can drive across SD at rocket speed), but Lake Okobojee in NW Iowa was like this. It is an easy drive from Sioux Falls and a bit further from Minneapolis.

       1. I would call Okoboji a party lake. The main thing I know about it is high school friends going there in high school and college to get drunk.

          1. I am used to Myrtle Beach and to me Okoboji was maybe “party but for families.” We have one lake near my city that does not allow jet skis and it is a million times nicer (to me) than the one that allows them and they are like giant dangerous noisy gnats all damn day. And drunk boating is a big problem.

          2. Would prefer to avoid Okoboji. It’s a lot of things, but peaceful isn’t one of them!

             1. Tell me more about this place — we may go there this summer. I was there once before but with kids, so likely having a very mild (vs wild) time, but those kids are teens now.

             2. I mean, it’s a fun place, and I think teens would enjoy it a lot. I’d gladly take an Okoboji vacation, rent some JetSkis or a boat, and have a blast. But for cabin living, it’s probably not it?

    2. Fwiw, we have a second home and use it a lot because it’s close to us (1.5 hour drive). There’s a lot of things that can come up and being far away would be really challenging. Just a thought as you consider your options. I don’t know the area you’re in at all so no suggestions.

       1. This is what my DH would prefer. And I’d be on board, except there are not many places that close to us.

    3. Maybe Beaver Lake in northern Arkansas? Kind of pricey but not as built up as the lakes in southern Missouri.

    4. Lake Geneva WI? Expensive but beautiful.

14. I played piano for years as a child, and quit due to several factors, including that I don’t particularly like performing. Decades later I got a requested keyboard for Christmas and am ready to play again, but for me this time. Does anyone have recommendation for adult level, getting back into piano ‘curriculum’ or books? I’m looking for something I could buy a hard copy of, used is fine. I’m checking out availability at the local library this weekend, but also plan to purchase material. Any recommendations you have would be welcome!

    1. I took piano lessons through high school but it’s been a while since I played regularly.
       I’m excited for you to pick it back up! I’ve been daydreaming of buying a piano for years.
       It’s not super exciting, but I’d probably buy MacFarren’s Scale and Arpeggio manual. It’s not super “fun” but scales and arpeggio practice is kind of a building block.
       I’d also probably see if your library has a Beginners focused Lori Line book. I would imagine it’s probably not as juvenile as what a music stores might carry for beginners books.

    2. Alfred’s Group Piano for Adults is the standard at the college level for those of us who are trained on another instrument and therefore aren’t learning how to read music, etc from scratch.

    3. I’m doing this, too! My husband bought me a keyboard for Christmas and I’m planning to sign up for some lessons. Can’t wait!!

    4. Take lessons. Call a piano store, look online, ask friends, call the music department of your closest college. Find someone to work with you. Learning from a book isn’t going to catch you if your technique is bad.

       I took lessons from age 24 to mid 40s. I started with a grad student and ended with a piano professional with her own studio. It’s totally, totally worth it!

15. Just a vent. I want to break my current lease bc the apartment is not nearly worth what I’m paying, everything keeps breaking, etc. Legally, I’m in the right due to a specific early termination clause in the lease but it would be an uphill battle and the landlord has nearly $6K as a security deposit and resides outside the US. I can’t risk having anything on my record for future apartments or my credit take a hit. It’s so frustrating being a tenant!! I feel like I’m at the mercy of my LL and the insane rental prices.

    1. So if your place is priced at market, you’re not actually getting a bad deal. In your shoes, instead of fighting it, I’d just fix things myself – get a good handyman and consider that the price of not hassling with breaking the lease or losing the deposit. You’ll be more in control too.

       1. We were without a fridge for a week. Our washing machine broke and the incompetent guy who installed it incorrectly caused the dryer to have a gas leak. They’re stacked. This is the guy who replaced the fridge and the LL still decided to use him to replace the washing machine after we told him he was incompetent. Then he told us to call the same guy when we had the gas leak. We’re not buying a $1,500 fridge for a rental and my bf did fix the dryer but fixing everything has become a part time job. We are also overpaying for this place considering all the problems we’ve been having. I know we have to stick it out but it’s very difficult not knowing what else will break at the most inconvenient time and be repaired/replaced poorly and slowly. As I said, just venting! Renting sucks!

    2. What state are you in? In some states, the security deposit must be kept in an interest bearing US account, correct?

       1. Not usually required to be in a separate account. But yes, in SF you do owe interest on it.

          1. I am most familiar with Massachusetts law on the subject. From mass.gov:

             “The landlord must hold the security deposit in a separate, interest-bearing account in a Massachusetts bank. A receipt must be given to the tenant for their payment within 30 days of the landlord receiving the security deposit. The receipt must list:

             the name of the bank
             the account number
             the amount of the deposit
             a statement indicating that the tenant is entitled to all interest received from the bank where the deposit has been held, if they live in the apartment for at least 1 year.
             The landlord must pay interest on both the security deposit and the last month’s rent.”

       2. Yea he sent us an email with the info for where our security deposit is located and it’s in a U.S. bank account. Our main concern was if anything happens, how do you sue someone who doesn’t reside in the US? Also, we are very concerned with background checks, credit scores etc for future apartments and a mortgage. It just makes me feel powerless even though every attorney I have had look at the lease says I’m correct in my interpretation of the early termination clause, 90 days notice and you’re off the hook!

          1. How much longer is your lease? It might help to just have a countdown chart, so you can keep telling yourself only x days left.

             1. Haha yea “only” 6 more months (yes, all these problems occurred in 6 months!!!). I’m ok with staying only 5 months and paying double for June. I can do anything for 6 months right? I love my job and my bf so there’s that! Trying to be positive.

          2. Your lease should state where you can serve this guy with process. If he doesn’t want to respond, get a default judgement. You say “every attorney” – are these your friends? Coworkers? Hire an attorney for this.

             Why would this impact your credit scores and background checks? In many states, it’s illegal to discriminate against people for having gotten their security deposit back….

          3. I think you are being too anxious. I once left 2 months in a lease because I got a job offer in another city. I was able to rent and buy houses just fine!

             1. Everything in this post screams too anxious.

          4. I broke a lease once by literally leaving in the middle of the night and dropping the keys through the mail slot in the office door. Not the best move, but I had no issues after that renting other apartments. Just sharing my experience with lease breaking!

             Also, have you actually discussed this with your landlord or are you making the assumption that they’ll fight you and try to keep your deposit? Especially if you’ve had an attorney look at your lease, I think if you just asked you might be surprised.

             1. No we spoke to him and he emailed us back basically threatening to hold us responsible for the remainder of the lease. With the early termination clause, we should be able to leave no problem with the required 90 day notice.

    3. That sounds frustrating and I mean this with kindness but this is life. Things break. If you owned the place you would have to figure out all this stuff and you’d be out of pocket for it. If you want a home with near-zero maintenance then rent in a fancy complex run by a professional management company with full time maintenance staff. Not an individual who doesn’t even live in the country.

       I would tell the landlord about all the problems with his handyman and give him the name/info for an alternative, then ask if he wants to pay the guy directly or if you can pay and deduct from rent (with receipts of course). When you rent from an individual you have to be willing to assume some of the inconvenience of maintenance. I’m also seriously side eyeing your “part time job” comment – you’ve only had 2 appliances break, that’s nothing. I’ve bought two turnkey houses in my life and even they required a lot of maintenance in the first ~6 months. Like, full days multiple days a week letting contractors in, getting estimates, waiting for contractors who are never on time – and sometimes show up hours early so I get to surprise leave work – and paying for all this work to boot. Count your blessings.

       1. I didn’t go into all the details about everything breaking for the sake of brevity, but yes, part time job.

       2. Dealing with maintenance is a part of owning a home, so your situation is not really applicable to a renter. OP is not getting one of the main benefits of renting!

          Making sure the landlord knows the handyman sucks is good advice though.

          1. This is my point. Paying for repairs and dealing with the headache of fixing things is worth it if you are a LL/owner. As a tenant, we are paying his mortgage, and then some, and having to deal with the headache of incompetent repairmen. We told him the guy was incompetent and he still wants to use him, I’m assuming because he’s cheap. The replacement appliances are definitely not new. There are also a lot of other little details I won’t go into bc you don’t need to read my novel. However, anon at 11:46, please give people the benefit of the doubt and recognize that you don’t know everything about a situation.

             1. Renting doesn’t mean things will never break, though. Or that you’ll get brand new appliances.

             2. Yea but we shouldn’t be without a fridge for a week or deal with a gas leak because of incompetent repairmen.

             3. I’m a landlord with multiple properties in a 20 year history of doing this and right now is the worst time for lining up repair people and getting access to appliances when things break. All those supply chain issues that are impacting everything else? Impacts landlords too. I think simmering down a bit is probably worthwhile here. P

             4. Not to beat a dead horse, but we did a quick search of home appliance stores, and refrigerators are in stock. No need to wait and not too expensive. We could have had one the next day if the landlord wasn’t so cheap. I can understand home contractors who are making major repairs or building extensions, but fridges are in stock! Same with washing machines. This is not 2020! Also, if the LL communicated that he checked stores and none were in stock I wouldn’t be so pissed. We were inconvenienced because he is cheap. If a LL wants to do things like this, he needs to find new tenants.

    4. Double check your city rent rules. In DC, for example, laws prohibit deposit from being any more than one month’s rent. A lot of landlord’s don’t follow this (e.g. pet deposit, for example), but the law is with the tenants if issues arise. [This assumes your rent is not $6,000/month…)

       1. It’s 1.5 months and seems to be standard here.

16. I have $2000 from my firm to spend on tech. Could be equipment hardware software etc.
    – I like my laptop
    – I like my sit stand desk
    – my desk phone is fine
    – I have headphones
    – I have calendaring/ docketing software

    Any product that helps you be productive, rested, more efficient, etc.?

    1. Multiple/bigger monitors.

       1. This. I cannot tell you how much I love my 30″ monitor.

    2. Do you like your sit/stand desk enough to recommend it? I’ve been struggling to pull the trigger on getting one because I keep finding one that I like, and then read bad reviews that dissuade me from the purchase.

       1. I’m not the OP, but I have a Fully Jarvis that was recommended on Wirecutter & I 100% love it & would purchase again. I went with this one because it offers a base that’s better for short people, and I’m only 5’5″. I also got the upgraded control panel which allows me to set preset heights & also lock it so my kids can’t raise/lower my desk.

          1. Thanks, I’ll look it up!

       2. I love my uplift sit stand desk.

    3. Walking pad/under desk treadmill?

    4. One of those under-desk treadmills?

    5. Portable monitor! It’s great for travel but I also use mine as an extra screen when my usual two monitors aren’t cutting it.

       1. Can you say more about portable monitors? I’ve never heard of them/that. Thanks.

          1. Yes I got one of these after I saw a friend using it and it’s been great! I have like a 30” external monitor at my desk but this one is enough to still feel productive but light enough to carry around. I got the “KYY portable 15.6” monitor” but I’m sure others are as good or better. I also got a little stand—it comes with like an iPad case to prop it up but I like to have it eye level

          2. They’re basically a thin rectangle with a kick stand. A cord connects it to your laptop. Depending on the model it may not even need its own power cord. The nice ones are lightweight, much lighter than my computer.

             I highly recommend the Lenovo ThinkVision M14 14in FHD IPS 6JZ113 monitor. Several coworkers ordered it after seeing mine.

       2. Yes, do you have one to recommend!?

          1. I have multiple of the Asus ZenScreen MB165B and like them a lot when I need portable monitors. For most of COVID, I used one as my primary monitor and it worked fine.

    6. One thing you didn’t list was chair – could you upgrade your chair to something nicer?

    7. An upgraded webcam if you do a lot of virtual meetings. Having a 4K camera makes me look a lot more “put together” on meetings just because the image of me is sharper.

17. Well-endowed ladies – what sports b r a s are we liking lately? My drawer is full of old, tired ones.

    1. Panache followed by Bravissimo branded and Shock Absorber. I have a huge band to cup ratio though (30/32 GG) so YMMV.

    2. For what kind of activity? Lululemon Enlite is one I like for running.

    3. SheFit ultimate. They are so adjustable that I am still using my original bras even though I had a breast reduction. My post reduction bras are the SheFit Flex.

    4. Wacoal underwire sports bra, sizing up one size on the band.

    5. Puma Seamless Convertible Back. I ordered a 2 pack on Amazon for less than $20.00; similar pricing at Walmart. Holds up to all day wear and multi-day wear as a regular bra; holds up for cardio too.

    6. I suggest you check out Title Nine. They carry many sports bras with varying support and closing options. I think they also have a generous return policy. I don’t buy much else from them but money on a good sports bra is worth it.

18. Family vacay help needed: spring break this year (mid-March) will have both of my late teens off the same week, so I wanted to go somewhere. This would be our first family vacation without their dad as we are in the process of divorcing. I am suffering from analysis paralysis! I can’t figure out where to go! We live on the west coast, and I don’t want to spend too much money because I have had so many divorce-related expenses that have had to go on the credit card. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

    1. where on the west coast do you live? go to southern california or to cabo in mexico

    2. Are they in college yet? If not, I would combine a vacation with some places they might be interested in going to school, whether that’s SoCal, the Bay Area, Seattle, Arizona, or someplace else, maybe even an East Coast city like Boston or New York or DC.

    3. Biggest cost saver will be not flying!

       1. Yeah, you could do a cool road trip up/down the coast if they’d be interested.

    4. When my kid was about that age we did a great trip to San Francisco. We did a Segway tour together which was dorky but super fun, also there is a comic book museum that was very fun. Also the Alcatraz tour was a big hit. If you google “San Francisco with teens” you can find a lot more ideas.

       1. Also we were all about the Ripley’s Believe it or Not Museum on Fisherman’s Wharf.

19. 1. Move to make all dreams about work, even positive ones, considered nightmares, based on first principles.

    2. New year, new you, same old work bullcrap. We have many Projects, each Project has its own Team based on what that Project is. This Project has been going for 2 years. Weekly meetings. Every single time it is discussed, it’s like no one in Project Team has ever heard any of the words I’m saying before. One of the presumptive Leads (not by rank but by reality– some Team people outrank both of us but we have the actual running the Project responsibility) is on several of my other Projects, and has started acting the same way on them (they were never great but it’s gotten worse.).

    I am very frustrated and issues have been brought up before; this and others. No joy. The writing is on the wall so I guess that means I’m looking for a new job.

    1. I hate, hate, HATE dreaming about work. When I traveled for work my work dreams would merge with my I’m-late-for-this-flight dreams. Of course my boss always made it to the plane.

       1. Amusingly, my very first trip a few jobs ago, I made it on the flight and my boss didn’t! (Luckily he was able to re-route and get in just a couple hours late) but I remember sitting near the door entry going “wait where IS he??”

       2. Oh god, I fly for work often enough that my work-related stress dreams all involve running through airports or being stuck on a train/in a taxi running late to the airport. IRL I’ve missed one flight in 20 years of working (and had MANY more cancelled/delayed of course) but man the stress is real.

    2. I have a fair number of s*x dreams about people I work with. I can’t for the life of me imagine why- I’ve been married 10 years, am not into anyone at work, and am not very adventurous in that department. They definitely qualify as nightmares.

    3. I literally dreamt that my husband told me to find a new job because he felt I was underappreciated.

    4. I think I should get paid for my sleeping time when I dream about work!

20. Is anyone else following the Idaho suspect saga? It is obvious the police knew more than they let the public know, which is obviously understandable. Nothing though has came out about motive and what caused this man to commit such horrific crimes. It seems at each step of the way, the case becomes even stranger.

    1. If this is the guy, he follows the incel-to-murderer pipeline pretty well. Nothing terribly remarkable there.

       1. The vegan thing tho.

          1. He’s not accused of being a cannibal :-)

          2. animals > women? still not surprised.

          3. Oh the vegan thing is a QAnon thing apparently. Source: my dad.

    2. 1. I did not know that the Pennsylvania State Police have a plane. And, I guess, a pilot and co-pilot. It seems like a pretty basic plane, TBH (vs corporate jets). I guess they get to turn around and go back to Pennsylvania. I don’t guess they hangar it in Stroudsburg (which I have been to a million times) but now this intrigues me. Fire up the FlightRadar24 . . .
       2. My parents live alone in the woods (in a house in the woods) near the Poconos and b/w this and the NYS prison escapees from a few years ago, would feel better if they got a very large dog (for the bears, if nothing else).

       1. Probably a good idea. They can’t transport via commercial air in any kind of restraints until they’re outside of the terminal. Every now and then somebody makes a run for it at my city’s small airport. They never get very far.

    3. My partner was telling me that the suspect is rumored to have been in touch with the BTK killer and was being “coached” by him. Obviously, I give this zero credibility until it comes out of the mouth of the officials but it is an interesting tidbit.

       1. https://www.newsweek.com/btk-killer-daughter-sickened-bryan-kohberger-studied-father-1770677

    4. OMG yes — I’m so glad that there was more going on than it initially appeared w/r/t the investigation. I half thought it was a mistaken cartel hit on the wrong house (initial reports were “large fixed-blade knife” and my city has had a string of machete killings and it’s not a major city in the machete-killings sort of way, so that was my guess b/c it was so inexplicable (vs random evil person, which I guess is always a risk).

    5. Link? Haven’t heard of this.

    6. I’m totally invested in this story and George Santos. I feel guilty for my interest in the drama, but the NY Post has been my go-to for all the latest buzzy news on both.

    7. I am weirdly invested in it too. I started to think they were never going to find the killer, as it had been so long. But like you said, the police obviously knew way more than they were making public. I am curious to see what kind of evidence they have. Crazy (and awful) situation.

       1. They have DNA evidence. Genetic genealogy was used to identify the suspect.

          1. Well if you read the probable cause affidavit, they have way more than just DNA.

       2. DNA, cell phone records, and his car on many cameras. Seems fairly definitive.

          1. My post was before any of that information was released! I was not trying to imply that I didn’t think he was the actual killer. I was just curious how they pieced everything together.

    8. I read yesterday that the Indiana police (highway patrol?) that stopped him and his dad twice on their drive from Idaho to Penn was a set-up, that the FBI told them to stop him so they could get video and images of his hands. That was mid-December, so clearly they’ve had their suspect for a while. That sounded so much like a crime novel.

       1. Yes I saw that too! Also he left behind the case for the knife which had his dna.

    9. I think there’s some Ted Bundy II vibes going on with the guy. Bundy also hated women.

21. Any civil defense AUSAs here? My district has an opening and someone from the office invited me to apply.

    Curious about workload, remote work options, anything else!

    1. It really varies by district. Can you ask the person who invited you to apply?

22. Will be in Rome in June. Looking for a long weekend to go to the beach. Is it feasible to go to Capri for 3-4 nights? Is there a certain part of Capri that is nicer than others?
    Thanks

    1. That is certainly feasible from Rome. I don’t know about staying on Capri, as we stayed in Sorrento and traveled to Capri and other Amalfi Coast towns. Consider Positano if you are not settled on Capri for the whole stay.

    2. If you’re interested in a boutique hotel, Hotel La Minerva in Capri is quite nice.

23. Has anyone ordered a bag from Quince? I ordered a cashmere sweater that I feel meh about but I’m really intrigued by their quilted leather bag.

24. For a few reasons (money, desire to get the legal stuff done, etc.), my boyfriend and I are thinking of eloping – just the two of us. Yes, boyfriend. We’ve agreed to be married by EOY, so it’s just a little bit of time before an actual proposal. We’ve already looked at rings and plan on going to a designer soon.

    We would like to go somewhere domestic (US) outside of the tri-state area and pair it with a few days for a mini honeymoon. I’m thinking Hawaii but not sure.

    Have any of you eloped? What were your considerations when making the decision? Where did you do it? Etc.
    Thank you!

    1. I eloped to the Smoky Mountains. In our case, my now-husband had kids and we had a child together, so I wanted to do something that would be focused just on our little family and that would not be so big and all-consuming as to feel overwhelming or uncomfortable for my stepkids, who were likely to have Big Feelings about the whole thing. It was the right decision – a wonderful weekend that they still talk about fondly. We rented a cabin and used an elopement company that took care of flowers, photographer, and officiant.

       1. oooooh I’ve seen some of the elopement companies. Was yours local to the Smoky Mountains or a larger one? May you share their info?

          1. It was local. I don’t remember what it was called, unfortunately!

    2. I didn’t elope, but my sister-in-law did in Hawaii – just her and her husband. They went to Maui and stayed at a fancy resort. She got her hair done and hired a professional photographer. They have beautiful pictures from the day. After the ceremony on the beach, they had a really nice meal. I don’t know your family dynamics, but I know many members of the family were unhappy about no one else being invited so be prepared for potential drama. However, I know she doesn’t regret it at all.

       1. My cousin and his wife did this (also in Hawaii) and I think it was lovely! My cousin’s parents were surprised but actually quite happy – they aren’t big wedding people and I think they were mostly glad he was getting married. She is wonderful and very devoted to her family of origin, but has something like 25 first cousins and even a modest backyard wedding would have meant @ 100 people. They didn’t tell A SOUL, which I think was key (everyone thought they were just going on vacation).

       2. We’ll likely do a big party or something later next year. Our people, in general, would be happy for us either way.

    3. Yes, and it was awesome! For us, we were getting married when there were still international travel restrictions, so we wouldn’t have been able to have both sets of parents attend and we didn’t want to be unfair. But actually really it was more because we both did not feel like big wedding people. Two things that were still important to me were looking good (nice dress for me, nice suit for him, hair and makeup for me) and having good photos. We’re from the west coast and we did it in NYC and spent the whole week there having sort of a honeymoon. We picked the elopement company that I thought had the best photographer, which turned out to be a great move, imo. (If anybody else is looking for a New York based elopement, I can’t recommend Jackie & Sascha Reinking strongly enough!)

    4. I’ve never eloped but I have had friends who did and loved it. A couple of times I surprised the brides by sending bridal bouquets and that was very fun! I say go for it!

    5. Friends eloped to Napa and got married at a small vineyard. Other friends eloped to Gibraltar (which is definitely unique and outside of the US).

       I would personally choose Hawaii.

    6. We semi-eloped. Some friends came along but a very small party. Vegas. Elvis impersonator. Would do again.

    7. I think it is interesting that you don’t consider yourself engaged despite having mutually agreed to be married. So does “fiance” mean “man who got down on one knee and asked me to marry him in a grand Instagrammable public display while presenting me with a ring with a big-enough rock in it”?

       1. I hear you. I think there’s still the desire for him to formally ask. And a ring too (although we are not big-enough rock type people). This is an interesting thing to think about though.

       2. Who cares?

    8. I’m a lawyer. Husband and I were married by a judge friend at a restaurant. Parents also were present, but that’s it. We didn’t want to spend the money on a wedding (total bill of meal was $500). We are both introverts and didn’t want to have a wedding weekend event (or even a multi-hour reception where we had to talk to all the people). We have been married 10 years and still comment to one another that we are so glad we did what we did. The only thing I would do differently is have professional pictures taken some time around our wedding. Not necessarily on the day. But more like what most people do with engagement photos. I wish I had those.

       1. Adding to this comment about photos, my wedding was immediate family only and I didn’t plan to have professional pictures. A friend gifted a 2 hour package to me, basically equivalent to an engagement photo session. I treasure those photos. They are some of the last photos I have with my dad. And because the years fly by and life is so busy that it’s hard to make time for nice photos. For you it could be something you share with family and friends, and something you look back on over the years. Highly recommend. Congratulations!

    9. We eloped at the Grand Canyon and I wouldn’t change a thing – there are companies that set it all up with officiant, photographer, etc. We got married on Saturday, hiked the Canyon the next day, cruised around Flagstaff and Sedona the next.

    10. I eloped last year for numerous reasons including cost, the logistics in getting two very scattered families to gather in a place, a parent undergoing cancer treatment, all my close friends had little babies and would not be able to attend. 10/10 would recommend. My only regret is I don’t live in a place that offers courthouse weddings as that was my first choice.

    11. I have very strong negative feelings about the amount of money people spend on weddings and personally don’t like being “on stage” in a personal setting, so I am very pro-elopement, both for myself if I were to marry and in general. Eloping feels more romantic to me, especially as you can really curate the experience between you to be just what you want without having to account for others’ expectations, taste, tradition, location, whatever. That said, I understand that eloping can really upset friends and family who expect to be attending your wedding at some point, so you might do best to announce your engagement close to your elopement and let people know with that announcement your plan to elope or tell them there will be no wedding. That way no one starts building up expectations that are then dashed. You still may get pushback but it will be easier to deal with if the plan is known from the outset.

25. Randomly scrolling IG and this just blew my mind: Apparently you can get TSA Precheck at Staples brick and mortar stores: https://www.travelandleisure.com/tsa-precheck-staples-tikok-hack-6824784?utm_source=instagram&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=travelandleisure&utm_content=likeshop

    And it’s TOTALLY worth it.

    1. WOW. Thank you so much for sharing this!!!

    2. Our alternative-to-the-Motor-Vehicles-Division will do precheck processing also; we just got it done for my son at an MVD Now in our city. Which, FYI: even if you’ve flown with your kids and they’ve gotten precheck on their boarding pass because you have it, after your kids turn 13 the TSA does not guarantee that will happen, and recommends getting minors their own pre-check. My son is 16 and we got him his own KTN; just like with ours, it’s good for 5 years.

26. Can anyone recommend a probate or estate administration lawyer in Maryland?

Comments are closed.