Tuesday’s TPS Report: Bernadette Dress
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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
- when to toss old clothes of a different size
- a list of political actions to take right now
- ways to increase your intelligence
- what to wear when getting sworn in as a judge (congrats, reader!)
- how to break into teaching as a second career
Meh. I can’t get excited about nearly-sleeveless dresses when it’s still 23 degrees outside!
Question – how often does everyone cull their clothes? I am feeling like it’s time to do some picking and choosing, but a lot of the stuff I haven’t worn lately is the wrong season anyway, so I need to hold off on those. And when is it the right time to get rid of things? After a year of not wearing them? I only hesitate because the last time I went through things, I found some 3-yo jeans that fit again.
For me, yes, if I haven’t worn something in a year, it goes. But I don’t fluctuate in size so this answer can be different for those who do. And it will be different for me when I’m pregnant and then post-partum, because I can imagine I will go a few years w/o being able to wear some favorites.
I usually do that when I switch my clothes for the seasons. I look at what I would be putting back in my closet and decide if it fits, if I’ve worn it enough to justify keeping it, or if I love it. I’m wearing a jacket today that I rediscovered in the back of my closet, so I wouldn’t advocate being too heavy-handed, but I went through some clothes the other night and discovered that a boiled wool jacket I’d been keeping was now bug eaten.
I’m not sure a year is really enough if you live with 4 seasons that vary wildly. I wore a lot of heavier stuff this winter that I just didn’t need at all last winter. Just something to consider, it may worth considering WHY you didn’t wear X this season.
I second that. Last winter, I wore one of my heavier sweaters once. This year, all of my heavy sweaters are on constant rotation. That said, I am getting rid of at least two sweaters that not even the polar vortex can convince me to wear. I think the year rule is too stringent, but I plan on going through all of my things because I just got my 10 year college reunion stuff in my email and realized that I probably have a few things from that era still in storage bags that need to be culled.
Aha! Maybe this is why I’m having trouble too. I haven’t worn any jeans in months and have been wearing fleece hoodies or zip-ups at home, not sweaters at all, so almost none of my sweaters have gotten any wear this winter.
I cull when my closet is so cluttered I’m having trouble finding things. It’s a lot easier for me to get dressed in the morning when everything is well organized and I have space to flip through (viable) options. The things I have trouble getting rid of (but should still probably purge) are high quality items that are out of style, eg, the 10-year-old cashmere sweater that still looks good but isn’t long enough to meet today’s low rise trousers.
You should layer that sweater over a long blousy top or maybe a shorter something with a peplum. I was in athropologie the other day and they had a ton of “tops” like this. Very cute over skinny jeans or leggings, with boots. (e.g., http://tinyurl.com/paug5pt)
As to the original question, I started to get rid of anything that I don’t feel good wearing. I think my biggest problem with clothes is that I hold on to things “just in case” I need it but then I never wear the item because it just isn’t something I love. So, for instance, I have a black sweater dress that I rarely wear but that I’ve kept because it’s basic, and warm, and good for cold days, and it’s cut in a way that I can wear it to work and blah blah but every time I wear it, it attracts so much lint that I feel like a cat lady disaster by noon (and I don’t even dare sit down in it at home) so I just said to hell with it, out it goes. Same with those “maybe I’ll need a white cardigan” that isn’t quite that white or those tee shirts in random sizes that my mother insists on buying for me because they were on sale and I should have them to wear around the house…. Life is just too short.
This is how I do it too. If I find I’m always adjusting something when I wear it, or the fit just isn’t quite right, or I realize it’s out of style and I don’t want to keep it until it comes back in style, out it goes.
FYI, I tried this and it didn’t work, until I figured out why – I’ve seen the short-sweater-over-peplum look a few times, and the times I think it looked best were in monochrome. Eg – green sweater over green peplum. The anthro link above illustrates it well, as the grey sweater and cream top are close in hue.
I think your mom and mine must shop together. I’m finally getting rid of this random bathrobe she bought me in a super-ugly print — it’s really bulky, I don’t tend to wear bathrobes, and it just takes up room. Half the stuff she gets me is a win. The other half is like “what were you thinking, Mom?”
They must! I don’t even think I would have bathrobes if it wasn’t for my mom buying me at least one a year. And, of course, they are all very Little House on the Prarie, powder blue with pale pink roses and such. But yeah – half of mine is a win, too, so I never complain…
Thanks AIMS!
This is what I do too – I keep a bag on the floor of my closet so clothes I don’t feel comfortable in go directly in there and don’t even make it back to the hanging section
Agreed on keeping only things that you love. I follow the one-in-one-out approach, but have also become much more discerning in consigning / giving away anything that I don’t feel my best in. This is definitely a process, and I found that the more I edited, the more I wanted to further refine the remaining pieces. I realized that I would sometimes feel obligated to wear a less-awesome dress, for example, and save one of the ones that I love to wear. Solution: give away the less-awesome dresses, and just wear the ones I love. Life’s too short – wear the clothes that you feel amazing in, and if they wear out, you’ll surely find replacements!
Threadjack–and this is not particularly related to the posted dress, but I was thinking about something….
A long time ago, when I started my first job out of college, on Wall Street, we had a business formal dress code (which was very formal–no open toed shoes, nylons required, etc.). That code specified that business formal for women meant a dress or a suit.
Lately, it seems like the advice has morphed to actually be “structured dress with blazer” or a suit.
Do you consider the following “formal” enough for a formal business meeting, in a staid industry such as law or finance?
(i) a DVF wrap dress?
(ii) a sleeved dress, not necessarily a sheath and jewelry?
(iii) a sheath dress with a cardigan?
Or is a blazer a required accessory to a dress nowadays to make a dress formal enough?
Thoughts? Share your industry/geography if you think this would color your view!
Thanks!
Biglaw – for a truly formal meeting, I would have a jacket on (whether blazer over a sheath, or as part of a suit). But those are rare now with the proliferation of business casual.
I feel more powerful with a collar (whether a blouse or a blazer), though, so I’d be more likely to wear something of that type. Occasionally that’s a DVF (some of their dresses have collars), but I’m more likely dressed for a meeting in either blouse-under-sheath or blouse (+ vest or vneck sweater if it’s cold) + pencil skirt.
I’m assuming you mean business formal (as in, the men will be in suits), not business casual.
If that is the case, then (i) and (iii) are not business formal. (ii) is only business formal if the dress is made of a suiting fabric and the blazer matches or coordinates (not a fun, funky blazer).
FWIW, I wear a structured dress plus blazer whenever the men will be in full suits. When they lose their jackets (that happens about 30 seconds after we sit down at the board table), I lose mine, too. But you’ve got to walk in with one.
+1, agreed. You need a suiting jacket that matches the dress.
I am in Boston FWIW.
+1. Otherwise full suit or maybe suiting separates. In DC.
Agree entirely. Industry/geography: finance in San Francisco
I’m in finance and have done big meetings. I’ll do structured sheath dresses with some kind of sleeve, but think for the really big ones the rest of the options you list are too casual.
I happily wear (ii) and (iii) in formal meetings but to paraphrase another recent poster, am senior enough that my outfit doesn’t need to carry my authority. In reality though, I’m often in a suit because it’s handy, particularly if I’m on the road. Work in finance, based in Asia where there is a lot of diversity for what passes as professional wear, but also travel and deal with European and US counterparts all the time.
Incidentally, I don’t get the structured dress with blazer. Don’t like the look (the neckline is either going to be too high to look right with a blazer or too low to be appropriate without) and consider it rather less comfortable than a jacket with a soft layer under it.
I don’t like this look, either. Seems very difficult to get it right.
I’m in biglaw and I would not wear any of those options for a serious meeting. I always wear either a full suit or a sheath dress with a matching jacket. Other than that, I might consider wearing a sheath dress with a very structured, but not matching, jacket. Maybe something like a Chanel-styled jacket where it is cut square on the bottom. But I would make sure it was obviously contrasted from the dress (not black wool on black wool – I’d do black wool dress with black tweed jacket or something). Cardigans definitely seem to me to be a bit too casual for that setting. That being said, I do work in a very conservative office where we still wear hose every day.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I reject the assertion that women can be both traditionally feminine and power-professional, when “traditionally feminine” tends to emphasize softness, prettiness, and childish approachability. Compare that with male suits being described as powerful, sleek, and polished. To wit: If the guys are wearing suit jackets, you should also be wearing a suit jacket.
You’ve obviously never enjoyed the sight of senior lady bankers in brightly-coloured ankle-length traditional garments. Examples would include CEOs of the largest banks in India, Thailand and Malaysia’s central bank governor. It’s quite a thing to behold.
Their outfits are gorgeous, but I’m specifically referring to the Western “feminine” conservative look. Poofy skirts, bright colors and pastels, softly curling long hair, “cute” accessories with bows and scallops and lace – all things that subconsciously make us think of children and/or maternal roles.
I do not agree that “traditionally feminine” necessarily equates to childish, any more than “looking like a CEO” means looking like a man. For some women, a more “feminine” cut or style to clothes actually makes it look like they are wearing their own clothes, that fit them, which makes them seem more powerful than wearing a more traditional, “masculine” suit that does not quite suit them.
For example, compare Maria Cantwell and Lisa Murkowski in the front row of the following picture: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Female_senators.jpg. Murkowski sports both pink and a bow, and noticeable jewelry, but to me looks more in charge than Cantwell, in a traditional black suit and button up shirt.
I work in Biglaw, business dress code, and would wear any of those on days with no client/partner meetings. On meeting days, though, it’s always a suit (with nylons if a skirt, and close-toed heels, and classic jewelry).
This. Structure = formality in my book. Cardigans are just not structured/formal enough.
Since I asked about ZocDoc last week, I thought is give an update. My pending appointment was cancelled a week after I’d made it so I scheduled an appointment with a different doctor at the same office, which was pending then cancelled within 30 minutes. I have no idea why. I made another appointment with a different doctor at a different office, which has worked out fine. ZocDoc reached out to me to apologize for the cancellations and asked for feedback about what happened, which I thought was very nice. They gave me an Amazon gift card for the inconvenience and said they’d reach out to the office to deal with the issue. Overall I’m very satisfied with ZocDoc and wanted to give a shout out to their great customer service.
I wonder if it has something to do with the electronic records law deadline that hit Jan 1. I saw a number of NYC docs right after and they all waited until the last minute to set up their networks and then had no idea how to use them. I was getting incorrect appointment text alerts for weeks. It would make sense that they were similarly scheduling zocdoc incorrectly. Cool deal with the Amazon giftcard though!
The seaming is a negative to me. If the wearer is an A or B cup, perhaps, but not me at D. It’s pretty though.
Love this dress, but this is exactly why I can’t buy it.
My husband is having a tooth extracted this week. Any recommendations on things I can do/cook to make him feel better?
Does the extraction involve surgery? If there’s no surgery, he can mostly go about his normal day with some OTC painkillers. If it’s surgery, I recall a long thread about wisdom tooth removal here a while back, but others who have had dental surgery may want to weigh in.
Transport him to/from the appointment and fill his prescriptions. As for food, I would have ice cream or sorbet on hand. You are not supposed to drink through a straw because the sucking can increase the chance of dry socket. I found pancakes were pretty good a day or two after having my wisdom teeth out. I had 3 removed and could chew ok on one side, and the pancakes were soft but tasty. Other mushier foods would be good, too (mashed potatoes, soup, etc.).
Crushed ice or frozen peas to keep ice on his jaw – cubes were too big to be able to position where I needed it.
Also, Jello! I went through a surprising amount after I had an extraction – the strong flavors tasted so good.
SO had his wisdom teeth removed recently. Scrambled eggs and haagen daaz were his go-tos.
I second the advice on mushy food – easy to take tiny bites of and low risk of anything wiggling into the wound. Also, the stuff I had to gargle with afterwards made everything taste like wet sawdust for weeks, which was surprisingly depressing. The first flavour that I could taste again was vanilla actually, and then I lived on vanilla crackers for days :D So if that happens to him, try a bunch of different flavours to see if anything gets through.
I remember eating a lot of yogurt parfaits (sans granola). I was in pain for three weeks so I hope his recovery time is MUCH faster.
Hey!
haha!!
So, I have had teeth extracted with surgery (going under) and just a good ol’ novacaine while the doc yanked a molar out.
When I had surgery, the recovery was worse and the pain was worse, even though it was front teeth (my baby canines wouldn’t fall out due to hereditary issues, so they were yanked). There was a lot of bleeding, but little residual pain (unless food hit the newly exposed gum). I ate a ton of ice cream, applesauce, oatmeal, mushy peas. I was in junior high, so, honestly, mostly ice cream. Also, I had teeth pulled on both sides of my mouth, so I couldn’t “safely chew” on one side of my mouth.
About two years ago, I had a molar removed because, also due to hereditary reasons, I didn’t have a “pair” for it. I was so scared about the surgery that I was shaking like a leaf. The doc came in and did a few shots of novocaine and then I waited (shaking and sweating profusely) for ten minutes. Then the doc came in with a little hammer, doinked my tooth three times, and my tooth fell right out. He was a pro–and endodontist, and I was referred to him especially to extract the tooth. There was no residual pain whatsoever. I also ate some ice cream, but mostly ate normally, just on the other side of my mouth. Honestly, the worst part of my molar extraction was the terror of imagining a “Little Shop of Horrors” experience.
Hope your husband has a great dentist and a speedy recovery.
Thanks everyone! These are super helpful tips. He is having a non-wisdom tooth extracted (not going under though) and they are fitting the area for an impant, I think (although this might be a later appointment). From what I understand, this is a bigger deal than the wisdom teeth I had out when I was a teenager, so I wasn’t sure how to react.
Going out to buy ice cream later today!
One more thing–no ice cream with mix-ins–e.g. chocolate OK, chocolate chip is not. Soft ice cream!
Yesterday my boss “joked” with me about what basically came down to questioning my loyalty – i.e. “You need to remember who you work for!” etc. (This was in reference to a project I’m collaborating with a colleague on from another unit.) I took his joking seriously and acted concerned; I did this purposefully because had I also treated it as a “joke” he would have become more serious (he can be a petty game player). In any case, he backpedaled and tried to assure me he was just joking.
Boss also likes to beat a dead horse, so I fully expect him to come to me again today to reiterate how he was “only joking!” He is 100% the type who uses this “joking” method to convey something he’s actually concerned about, perhaps not as a critical issue, but he doesn’t make “jokes” like this out of no where. This is my first round playing this game (I’ve been here about 6 months but have heard from co-workers that this is not unique) and so I’m trying to figure out how to respond to his “You know I was only joking, right?” speech that will come today. I’m leaning towards saying something like, “Ok, I’m glad to hear that. I do hope however, that if you ever have any real concerns about me or my work you’ll let me know.”
Thoughts? I hate playing games like this and would much rather have open feedback, even if its critical. I do know what underlying issue he was pointing at so I’m comfortable working on that, but I don’t know how to keep up this “its only a joke!” facade.
I would strongly dislike this approach. I think your responses are perfect. You are reacting seriously and professionally, and hopefully it will startle him each time he uses this “technique” and maybe lead to a change in behavior. But I doubt he will change.
Keep reiterating… “If you ever have any concerns about me or my work, let me know…” Keep a serious face while he is “laughing”…
I agree with sf that your response is the best option. Effectively, you’re calling him on the passive-aggressiveness, but you’re doing so with the veneer of total innocence and faith. It sounds like your observation that he does this to others in the office has served you well.
I actually do think it’s possible that you’ll make an impact on his behavior by sticking to this angle. I used to have two supervisors who were in the habit of making vague, sarcastic comments about all of us in a way that made it unclear how serious they were and also who they were targeting–things like “hey everybody, the meeting is starting in case you feel like joining us!” or “so, did anyone actually show up on time this morning?” When time came for anonymous feedback, I wrote that I was concerned that these comments were directed at me but couldn’t be sure, and I wanted to be told if I was the person they were talking about. The mass “joking” stopped after that, and I suspect they approached the real offender(s) individually in the appropriately direct manner.
Thanks, Monday. My boss has a habit of being on either end of the feedback spectrum. Either its all a “joke” or he’ll rip you a new one in a staff meeting. I’m one of the most senior staff and am also somewhat protected in that I have a dual reporting line to another boss. I’ve been actively trying to cultivate a relationship with him that is different than how he treats my co-workers, i.e. that I’m a professional he can’t yell at and he needs to take seriously, treat with respect, etc. I think it’s working but its nice to hear your story of a reformed boss. I actually do have hope I can nip this in the bud – I just have to double-down on exercising patience.
I worked with a boss like this. At one point (oops!) I let it slip that he was puzzling at times. He was way more straight with me after that, but then continued to drive my colleagues crazy as they hadn’t “leveled” with him….
My husband used to be a supervisor, and from what he has told me, he wasn’t a very good communicator. He is a little socially awkward, and grew up in a home where keeping the peace and avoiding conflict was the main goal. He is a people-pleaser, and just doesn’t really know how to communicate his needs very well.
I can imagine some of his talks to staffers came across like this. I think your boss is hiding behind humor because he doesn’t really know how to talk to you.
I think the best approach is probably to talk to him, in private, and say that you are getting the idea that he wants you to do something different, but don’t quite understand what it is. Kind of draw out of him what he wants.
It’s terrible to know that your boss expects something else, but you aren’t sure what. I like MJ’s response, and I think that would have worked for my husband’s subordinates.
Where do your skirt hems fall, for work attire? Would appreciate if you could be specific around the knee… etc. ends 1 inch above, middle of the knee etc..
Skirt length
Your height
Age (ex. 20’s 30’s 40’s is fine)
Occupation
thanks!
30’s, 5’5″, finance, 1-2 inches above knee.
30s, 6’0″, top of the kneecap
same, but law – 1-2″ above knee for pencil skirts (measured when standing), but a little longer (at the knee) for a fuller skirt, to mitigate the youthfulness of the volume/pleating.
30s, 5-8, just barely covering kneecap, attorney
Shortest is max 1″ above top of knee. At the knee or just below the knee for most of my pencil skirts.
Law, 5’8″, 30s.
For work, I stay in the knee cap range – never above, preferably below. Admitedly, it’s more flattering to hit right above the knee cap, but I’ve got hips and anything higher than below knee cap is way too short for my preference when I sit and the skirt rides up.
Corporate lawyer. 5’8″. Early 30s.
+1 to all of this.
30s, 5’5″, professional non-law, fully covering my knee and maybe an inch or so below while standing. When I sit this turns out to be a couple inches above my knee, due to hips.
Same hip/rear ride-up effect. Flattering length for me are either just below knee or a couple of inches above knee, so I wear just below the knee at work. Research, 5’1″, 30’s.
30’s, attorney, 5’4 and either just below or just above my knee. I tend to wear pencil skirts below my knee and full skirts just above.
Lawyer, early 30’s, 5’1″. Pencil skirts fall 1-2 inches above my knee.
Texas Law, 20’s, 5’8, middle of the knee cap. I have tried skirts that are 1-2″ above the knee, however I am not as comfortable when sitting down. That extra inch or two makes a world of difference for me.
Consulting, 20s, 5’10, mid-knee cap, occasionally top of the knee.
Like Aggie, anything shorter makes me uncomfortable when sitting unless I have tights on.
Higher ed admin. My current office is super-casual, so I (along with all the other women in the office) will go 2-3 inches above the knee, with an otherwise covered-up outfit. In previous offices, the most I’d dare would be an inch. I’m mid-twenties and 5’4.
Biglaw, mid-twenties, 5’3. 2 inches above the knee max if I’m wearing tights, 1 inch if not. For some reason I think longer skirts + opaque tights make me look frumpy, so I stick with shorter skirts in the winter.
Thanks for this comment. I think this is true for me too. Shorter skirts look and seem right in the winter with tights, and do feel more frumpy with at the knee skirts with tights.
1-2 inches above knee
5’3″ but always in 3-4 inch heels at work
32
Lawyer (office is business casual)
Above the knee, wouldn’t pass the ruler test.
I am very tall though and don’t worry about this.
Up to 2″ above knee down to just below kneecaps, 5’11 with a 36″ inseam, thirties. (Nothing is showing even if things are 2″ above my knees bc my knees are so long). Also, if I wear a shorter skirt, I absolutely wear flats, not heels. Law.
30, 5-6, top of kneecap – 2″ above, attorney.
Finance in oil & gas, 30’s, 5’6″, skirts and dresses 1″-2″ above the knee to just below the knee. I don’t have a standard length I always wear.
own biz, not law
5’4″ not including 3-4 inch heels daily (closed toe and back)
skirts and dresses 1″ above the knee … pencil and full skirts alike
50s (Word! Did I really type that?)
39, big oil! business casual.
All skirts and dresses hit just below knee. That is most flattering for me.
I’d like to finally buy a nice pair of jeans…any recommendations on brands of premium denim for skinnies with a higher rise? I’m pretty curvy (w/r/t to waist-hip ratio) but not overly so. I’d also love a brand with a very skinny leg…my hips are way bigger than my legs so I like the leg to be tight.
I love my Paige Premium Skyline skinny jeans. I’m an hourglass/pear shape. Make sure that you buy the right size (they should be pretty tight when you put them on. They will definitely stretch).
I love these as well.
Gap curvy skinnies come up higher. Levi’s also has a variety of curvy cuts (not sure if curvy + skinny), but there is a curvy and ones all the way to badonk-y, that I had to wear as my post-partum jeans due to my pear shape exploding with estrogen (or something). Their website has all of the curvy options (I think there are 4 levels of curviness).
Not premium per se, but I like the skinnies at Limited – higher rise, curvy fit, very slim ankle.
I don’t think they qualify as premium, but I love the Curvy Skinny jeans at LOFT and they have a high-ish rise. I believe they also come in a super skinny cut, which may be more what you’re looking for.
Second LOFT jeans. I’m not curvy but I prefer a higher-rise and their modern slim are my go to jeans.
No specific recommendations but I was reading about some magic machine at Bloomingdales that basically scans your body like one of those airport xrays and suggests the most flattering jeans for your shape. I haven’t tried it but as someone who HATES to try on jeans and pants, this sounds like the answer to my prayers. Maybe give it a shot? (And report back, please :))
That sounds amazing! There is a machine at Boots that tells you your perfect make-up shade. Really need to go in and try it.
Sephora has something like this, too, I heard and it’s also on my “to try” list. Let us know how it works for you if you go.
Try the jcrew toothpick styles. I find they have a decently high rise and you can usually find a 25% off code for them online. The matchstick is also good if you’re looking for more of a skinny fit vs. a legging fit.
Paige! I have size 6 hips but very skinny thighs/calves. I also can get muffin top and these are high enough that they prevent it. You could go to Nordstroms and just tell the girls what you’re looking for and they’ll pull a bunch for you.
I’m 25″ waist, 38-39″ hips, thin legs once you get past the upper inner thigh area that is still “hip” territory,” and Joe’s are the best jeans for me. I’ve got the traditional Honey bootcut, a Honey skinny that is tight in the leg but loose around the ankle (perfect with flats), another skinny that is almost legging-tight for boots, and a black pair that fits similarly to the legging-tight jeans. They’re amazing.
J Brand. I got them at Nordstroms and love them. But my real recommendation is to call a personal stylist at Nordstrom and have them pull a bunch of different denim for you.
AG Prima. Midrise skinnies which feel just like pajamas. Love them.
DL 1961. Best jeans ever.
Hi all. I’m not sure if I’m writing for advice or support but not sure where else to turn. I’m a relatively new lawyer. Last month, I joined a new firm that has given me much more responsibility than I am used to, including being “in charge” of my own cases. Since law school, I have struggled with my confidence in this profession and now I just feel like I am completely out of my league. I feel as though I keep making stupid mistakes and I agonize over each one to the point where I dream about them days on end. I just don’t think I’m cut out for this but don’t know what else I can do! Does anyone have any alternate legal careers they can suggest?
I’ve read about the imposter syndrome, learning about it through this site. I do think I suffer from it but not sure it’s the real problem since I keep making mistakes! I think it would benefit me to talk to someone but not sure where to start. Does anyone have any recommendations for a therapist or a method by which I can find one? I am in the Philadelphia region if that helps.
It’s possible that you’re out of your league, but my guess is that this just a steeper learning curve than you’re used to. Making mistakes is part of learning (and by mistakes, I am thinking of having a less than perfect execution or the equivalent or bobbling the landing, not letting a statute of limitations get blown). I don’t think you need a therapist (and this is an instance where I cannot imagine a guy lawyer thinking of this, much less typing it on the internet). You have concerns — I’d just more time into what you’re doing — proofreading, keeping on top of what needs to happen in a day, and focusing on quality. That will build your confidence tremendously. Also, reach out to colleagues and develop relationships with them — they may help keep you grounded and give you some helpful tips. But this sounds like something where you can take care of this in the most directly helpful manner on your own.
Guys do think it, I think they are just better at hiding it. I know my husband has these thoughts allll the time and often when a case finishes he tells me something like, “thank god that settled/finished, now any mistakes can’t haunt me.”
I think it’s fairly normal to feel like a fish out of water when you are starting out. I think it’s helpful to remind myself that the people that came before weren’t necessarily smarter than me and they were able to do it, so I need to buck up and do it myself.
Ask for help when you need it and other times just be confident that your decision most likely isn’t the only right decision and move on.
Are you making the same mistakes over and over again, or only new mistakes? Are your mistakes due to carelessness, or things you honestly didn’t know (e.g., filing something improperly because you didn’t take time to read the local rules vs filing improperly because this is a new court and has an extra set of semi-secret rules you would have had to call the clerk to get but wouldn’t know about unless someone told you)? Or are they more nebulous legal judgment mistakes (e.g., you filed a motion to compel but probably should have just sent the draft motion to opposing counsel as an opening volley instead of actually filing it — sorry for the litigation examples if you’re not a litigator; it’s what I know)? If you’re making “dumb” mistakes, that is, making the same mistake more than once, or making careless mistakes, you can fix those by creating systems for yourself that you follow religiously. For example, you read local rules three times, at least once out loud, before filing anything with any court even if you’re filed with them before. If you’re making new mistakes then part of being a new lawyer is making mistakes. It happens to the very best lawyers in the world. (I heard a great story about his own experiences screwing up as a young lawyer from Marty Ginsburg, i.e., Mr. Ruth G., and an enormously accomplished tax attorney in his own right). Same with judgment errors. You can’t learn judgment in school. It’s something you gain as you mature in the profession.
All that being said, law requires an almost compulsive attention to detail. If that’s not your thing, and doing that kind of work makes you crazy, then you should definitely consider other options. But making mistakes as a young lawyer, on its own, doesn’t mean you’re not cut out for the work.
I am in the same situation as you; after a bout a year as a very lowly associate I got a job where I have complete resposnibility for a large number of complicated cases, many of which take place in a court with a fast-tracked timeline.
I make mistakes contstantly, but normally I don’t make the same mistake twice. Also, the vast majority of them are fixable – except maybe disclosing a privileged document or missing a deadline (and even then, you can throw your self on the mercy of opp counsel/the court and sometimes get permission to file whatever it is anyway).
I also have advisors and colleagues I can consult with. What I have learned is that when I am flummoxed about what course of action to take, I can ask 3 different senior people and get 3 different pieces of advice. This gives me comfort because it means there isn’t one clear answer.
But I have been at it about 8 months and can already see myself improving and gaining confidence. So I thinkyou should give it time.
Heartfelt thank you to you, ladies. Your comments really eased some stress.
Please order yourself “the gift of imperfection” on amazon or pick it up at B&N and read it. It is helping with the mistakes part of being a newish lawyer. Really. It is a practice though…one week it was working great and this week it’s a bit harder for me to remember….
One more book suggestion: The Secret Thoughts of Successful Women by Valerie Young. It goes into the details of imposter syndrome and the various ways it manifests. It also has suggestions on how to deal with the issue, but I’d still see a therapist as well since that’s what you were looking for. Good luck.
I totally understand. I could’ve written this a year ago. I agree with the others that making mistakes is part of learning. As my mentors would say, you’re a “baby” lawyer and it will take a while. I had this idea that everything should take way less time than I would spend on it. Proofread, double check things, and don’t be afraid to ask other people. I’m in my third year now and rarely feel this way (I also transitioned to a new firm and a more transaction practice, which helped). I recommend giving it time to pass and your own time in being diligent. You’ll get there.
Every new lawyer feels this way at times. Obviously, you need to work hard to not make the same mistakes twice and to just generally grow your understanding of your practice area. But you can’t expect to be perfect right away. Don’t give up on being a lawyer so soon. It really does get better with pratice.
Ladies, I was wondering if anyone has come across a boatneck midi length sheath dress (size 14/16, with or without sleeves, any color, <$150). I've been looking, but can only seem to find knee length sheathes (sp?). Help please!
I always see dresses of this sort in the Pendelton catalog. Have you looked there? Also Talbots might have something along these lines.
Thanks for the suggestions AIMS. I took a look and still can’t find what I have in my head. I think I’ll head to my seamstress after work.
ASOS?
Here are a few options:
http://www.nyandcompany.com/nyco/prod/Apparel/New-Arrivals/Dresses-Skirts/Textured-Midi-Sheath-Dress-Black?cid=aff_feed&siteID=J84DHJLQkR4-sgvRMwCxn5yc_UmtDASH9g
http://us.asos.com/countryid/2/ASOS-Midi-Dress-With-Ruched-Side-In-Mono-Print/12d3q8/?iid=3552840&cid=15801&Rf900=1465&sh=0&pge=0&pgesize=999&sort=-1&clr=Print&mporgp=L0FTT1MvQVNPUy1NaWRpLURyZXNzLVdpdGgtUnVjaGVkLVNpZGUtSW4tTW9uby1QcmludC9Qcm9kLw..&utm_source=Affiliate&utm_medium=LinkShare&utm_content=USNetwork.3552840&utm_campaign=J84DHJLQkR4&cvosrc=Affiliate.LinkShare.J84DHJLQkR4&link=15&promo=317261&source=linkshare&MID=35719&affid=2135&WT.tsrc=Affiliate&siteID=J84DHJLQkR4-OLmwUlBPtkGinRCzl4JArw
Stuck in moderation. Check out the textured midi dress at NY&Co and the ruched side midi dress at Asos.
For the benchmark of having a year’s salary in retirement savings by the age of 35 –
Is the general wisdom that this is straight salary, or salary plus any bonus or other comp received?
Total “salary” = total income, including bonus, for this simplistic guidepost.
Of course, these things vary drastically depending upon your desired standard of living at retirement. Some people live simply on retirement, others desire a continued high income stream.
I’m a big fan of Mr.MoneyMustache, and while it’s difficult to emulate his trajectory if you live in high COL areas, or marry late and/or divorce, or if you desire to help your children go to college, or if you have huge loans to pay off…. the philosophy of his approach overall is excellent.
If you count on and spend your bonus like you count on and spend your salary I’d include it.
How do you all factor pensions into these equations? I’m looking to you, fed employees.
I have never heard this rule of thumb before, but it seems like it wouldn’t be enough.
I’m sure there is lots of room for disagreement, but here’s the article that number came from: http://business.time.com/2012/09/21/what-you-should-save-by-35-45-and-55-to-be-on-target/
Yeah, 8 times my current annual pay by the time I am retired would be not enough to live in for 8 years, considering inflation.
There are lots of things to consider in retirement – your health insurance and care needs, how much you can save during your working years, longevity genetics in your biological family, at what standard of living you want to live, any debt you have left, etc.
8 years of my annual salary (at 30) won’t be near enough.
This article doesn’t even tell you whether your “annual salary” should be the salary you make at 35 or the one you make right before you retire. If you do it right, those should be two very different numbers, right?
Try this calculator: http://money.cnn.com/calculator/retirement/retirement-need/
The next sweet, kind, well-meaning co-worker who tells me it’s my turn now to have a baby, or asks me when I’m having kids, or tells me what great parents my husband and I will be, is getting a stapler to the head. (My husband suggested a paperweight or a holepuncher instead, but neither are conveniently to hand at my desk.)
I know exactely how you feel, but at least you are MARRIED! I want a baby, but peeople CONSTANTLY remind me that my biological clock is tickeing and where is my Prince Charming. I tell them I have been WAITING ALONG TIME for him, but I keep getting LOOSERS who just want sex but NOT to marry me or suport our children (until recentley, with Willem and Sam, but they are NOT USA Citizen’s and I wonder if they realy want me or the thought of an American wife).
Grandma Trudy says go for it, even with a Foreigner, but Grandma Leyeh is more worried about me becomeing a Europeean, when so many peeople struggled to get out of Europe Less then 100 year’s ago, why would I embrace goeing back? She said Russia and Sochi are example’s of the troubel I would be inviteing if I go back, and I would NOT even have a 401(k) in Europe. I told her I have one here, but she said they would probabley confiscate it if I go over there If I want to become a citizen of UK or Belgum. I am not sure about that but do NOT know who to ask. Right now, Dad has alot of my equity tied into the 401K and my apartement is also considered my property, even tho Dad paid for it, b/c I did NOT want to live with mice and roache’s, like I did when I was in the apartement I rented. FOOEY!
So I say when I DO get married, I will look for an apartement here big enough for ME, MY HUSBAND and enough room for 2 children, which mean’s at least 3 bedroom’s or more. In Manhattan, Dad say’s this will be over $1.5M for a half way decent place. That is why I simply can NOT fall in love with a LOOSER that can NOT aford to buy and pay the maintence on it, unless we both work and then I would have to hire a full time NANNY, and that does NOT come without PROBELEM’s. DOUBEL FOOEY. With my luck, I will gain 10 pound’s and I could find my husband attracted to the NANNY. TRIPEL FOOEY ON THAT. No, I think I will just have to marry a guy with enough money and a good enough job to support ME being the nanny and the wife and the housefrow, so that I can stay HERE, near the family and Rosa. A guy like ED wouldn’t be that bad, and he does LOVE Rosa alot. Where is a guy like ED? I want someone like HIM!!! FOOEY!
I like that genocide and persecution are on the same level of iniquity as lack of access to a 401k for Ellen.
Not sure I’d recommend this as a response but I heard a GREAT comeback to this the other day.
“Well, I’m flattered that you’re so interested in my cr0tch-fruit situation, but I consider that to be a private manner.”
Said very politely by someone I don’t know that well but now wish I knew better.
Perfection.
nope, I fully support the stapler choice.
“My husband doesn’t perform well under pressure.”
Also see my earlier post on this describing how I started the rumor that my husband and I could not have kids, when in fact we simply did not plan to have them.
This is actually a pretty good idea.
I have a whole escalation of responses, depending on my relationship to the person and how many times they’ve pushed the topic. My perspective is that anybody whose business it is whether we’re childless by choice or struggling desperately with infertility… already knows.
Roughly, they go..
Level 1 is an acknowledgement of the implied compliment or surface-level remark followed by a topic change “Yeah, Susie’s new baby is adorable/ Thanks, I think [husband] would make a great father too/Well, as I understand it, I’d have a baby about 9 months after getting pregnant/etc… so how ’bout those TPS reports?” Handled with a smile and easy/light tone of voice.
Level 2 is some polite variation of “I’m not willing to discuss that”, followed by topic change. No smile, polite but final tone.
Level 3, thankfully only brought out once after repeated rounds through Levels 1&2, is “Well, I’m in my mid-30s and we’ve been married a decade. Clearly we either have chosen not to have children or cannot, and neither of those is a topic for casual conversation just to satisfy your curiosity. So unless you’re my doctor or my spouse, this conversation is done.” No smile, flat tone, and leave the room if at all possible.
I’ve been stuck at Level 1 for a while – I may escalate to Level 2 at the next comment. Thanks :)
To someone with no kids, it’s easy enough to turn the tables on them and ask when they’re having kids; and to someone with kids, my husband used to fantasize about saying “after seeing how your kids turned out, we decided not to have any”.
Love that!
I normally say, with a smile and wink, “Well, we practice all the time. Does that count?”
It signals that this kind of conversation is really too personal for comfort. If they want to know more, then I’ll tell them more about “practicing”, but usually they shut up.
Love this. Plan to use it in the future.
Wanting kids is not the same as being able to have them. Likewise, being able to have kids is not the same as wanting them. Why can’t people understand that? Or better yet, just keep out of it?
When people ask me when we are going to have kids, I respond “about 9 months after I get pregnant.”
When is it appropriate to go bare-legged again in spring?
I’m going to a black-tie optional wedding on March 1 in Seattle. It’ll be in the high 40s/low 50s, but the ceremony and the reception are in the hotel where I am staying (i.e., I won’t be going outside).
Is it appropriate to go bare-legged and wear peep toe pumps? I don’t want to be the only bare-legged woman, but I don’t want to be the only one in tights. The peep toes will also look cute! What would you wear?
This is when I take a brief turn on Team Pantyhose. I am sooo tired of tights. But it is too cold to go bare-legged. So, Team Pantyhose for Spring Thaw?
Team Pantyhose as well. I had a similar situation last fall and I wore pantyhose. I was comfortable, warm and in the semi dark nobody even knew I was wearing hose.
Agree…although I’m in 20 degree Boston and not Seattle. I can’t wait until I can go back to bare-legged though. I will say that one bonus of pantyhose is that my shoes slip on and off more easily (also less sweaty, eww).
I would go bare-legged with the peep toes.
Anything over 20 F and I’m bared legged, but my scale has been skewed terribly by the winter. (I did wear pantyhose this weekend, but it was single digits.
And as long as you don’t have to go outside, rock the peep toes!
In Seattle, I’d say you’re fine, especially since you won’t be leaving your hotel.
For a night time event, go bare legged. I went to a February wedding in Minnesota when the high temp was 2 degrees, and I was one of very few women under the age of 65 wearing stockings.
So this weekend is supposed to be our big family ski weekend at the house my sister rented. But per the logistics she sent out by text last night, there doesn’t seem to be any room for me. Parking is limited and there is no room in any of the cars going up (one of which is a mini cooper, by the way). And even if I did find a ride, I’d be sleeping on a couch, while my 2-year-old nephew and all my nieces got bedrooms.
I hate feeling like I’m in the way. And this feels like an awful lot of hassle for very little reward. I think I might have to bail, feign sickness so that no one feels guilty and treat myself well this weekend.
OMG — that is awful! I can see a kids room if they have very different bedtimes or need to nap (keeps the house more available for everyone else), but I cannot see not giving a grownup a bedroom. Why do people do this?
I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it if i had to sleep on the couch either.
But do you think you can ask her about the bedroom issue? Maybe she just didn’t think about it, but maybe one of the kids can have the couch?
If you don’t feel like you can talk to her, I would also just bail. :o( that sucks, I’m sorry they aren’t thinking more about making you feel welcome.
who else is going? is everyone chipping in for the house?
Why are you worried about them feeling guilty for treating you badly?
Ditto. I would call them on it.
This. They’re the ones who’ve made a mistake – one of omission or commission (talking to them will help you determine which it is and to adjust your response accordingly.)
Sorry you have to deal with this. From what you said, it sounds like your options are basically go and make the best of it (and feel like a burden), call them out on basically leaving you out, or just bail. If it was me, I would probably bail too. It might be worth clarifying the arrangements before you make this decision, though, just to make sure there wasn’t a mix up. Maybe just call your sister and ask where exactly she planned on having you sleep (not in a snarky way, just in an “I think I am confused by the plans” way). If you are correct that they put you on a couch, then bail.
Yep, I’d bail in an unobtrusive way and have a great, relaxing weekend of my own design. I can see why you don’t want to guilt them, but if they ask at some point (in an open way), I think it would be good for them to learn that you feel “in the way,” and why.
Not that this justifies putting you on the couch, but she may want a room for the kids so they can go to bed early and everyone else can stay up. That said, she should have asked you first.
Just to clarify…
My sister rents the house for the whole winter. There are 5 bedrooms. One is hers (with her husband). One is for her kids (3 girls). There are 3 bedrooms free – one for my parents, one for my brother and his wife and I’m pretty sure the 3rd is for my 2-year-old nephew because he naps and goes to bed earlier, although that would be a decision for his parents.
Only 3 or possibly 4 cars can fit. My brother and his wife will take one. They’ll have their gear, their son, and their new puppy in a crate. My sister has to work late so she’ll take her car. She’s coming from another state. My brother-in-law will bring the girls and their dog. And my parents are coming in the mini cooper, but they’re talking about staying on into the beginning of next week.
I suggested my parents and I take my car, but that won’t work if they stay on. And I don’t think there’s going to be room in my brother’s car. So it doesn’t look like I could get there anyway.
And I can’t talk to my sister. That’s just the way our relationship works…
honestly, it seems ridiculous to me that an entire bedroom would be reserved for a 2-year old. Why can’t he sleep in your brother and sister-in-law’s room? If he goes to bed earlier than they do, it shouldn’t be a problem…
this. This is the one room that makes no sense. A 2 year old can sleep in a trundle/mattress on the floor in someone else’s room easily.
They are being totally rude to you and I don’t like it RAWR :(
Oh yeah, kids sleep way easier than adults. They can crash pretty much anywhere, so why NOT put them on the floor? They’re kids, they really don’t care.
This. Heck, my family of 5 has slept all in the same room in situations similar to this. Was it ideal? No, but it was necessary at the time and it worked. And it was only for a couple of nights. As a parent, no way would I commandeer a bed for my 2yo leaving an adult to sleep on the couch.
If I were you I’d bail. Totally.
Parking the cars seems like a solvable issue. Drive up solo and park elsewhere, even if you need to have someone meet you at a deck or whatever and drive you from there to the house.
Regarding sleeping on the couch: for me this would honestly depend on the location and comfyness of said couch. If its in the middle of the main living area meaning you’d have to be awake with the earliest risers with no privacy, than no go. But if its in a den, tv room or loft I would make it work. I was just on the phone with my own sister discussing sleeping arrangements for me, DH and dog so I get your frustration…
So the nephew is your brother’s kid? Why not just ask him if his child can sleep in his room? Most two year olds would love the idea of “camping” in a sleeping bag on the floor.
I can understand why parents want little kids in bedrooms and not sleeping on the couch (safety, bedtime, etc)
+1. It’s absurd for a 2 year old to get his own room when you’re sleeping on the couch.
This x10000. Or better, 2 year old camps with Grandma and Grandpa! I used to love that when I was a kid.
It would be terrible to put a 2 year old on the couch: no one could have any fun after, say, 7, as it would be whisperville. Also it’s not safe and he likely would not sleep through the night. I have a 3 yo and 5 yo, and in these situations they either share a mattress/sleeping bag on the floor or, more likely, sleep with us. If I put my 3yo (a good sleeper) in a strange bedroom by herself, she would be in our bed by midnight. It would be a waste or a room.
Also, as the mom of two little kids who wake up very very very early, I never put childless guests on our couch; I always put them in my bedroom and then bunk with my kids. That way they have a quiet-ish room when the rest of us are playing/watching cartoons/mainlining coffee (that would be me) at 5:00 a.m.
Just two arguments to make!
Yes, the 2 yr old should be able to sleep in his parents’ room. I know some people who are a bit crazy about not sharing a room with their child, but I think it’s kind of silly. I would definitely ask about that.
Honestly, they ought to at least give you the option of bunking with the nephew (maybe there are two beds in that room). We used to travel with porta-crib sized mattresses when our children were smaller just to give them a place to sleep near us (so: in our room). Last year, we had all 4 of us on two full peds in one room (but: attached bath) for a week (and then took an everyone-gets-a-bedroom sanity saver trip after to recover — THAT is something I’d recommend if you wind up going).
That just seems disrespectful to me. I was raised to believe that my elders got the comfier couch seats, the beds, and the front seat of the car (this was before kids were supposed to sit in the back), regardless. If a visiting guest needed a place to sleep, I was on the couch (or in my parents’ bed). Is that not a thing kids are taught any more?
yeah, I was taught this way too. And I’m only 27. If the 2 year old absolutely NEEDED his own room (for everyone else’s comfort/sanity), then I would put the 3 little girls on the couch/on the floor in sleeping bags/in their parents’ bed. There is NO justification for making a grown person sleep on a couch when young children (or any children for that matter) are getting beds.
BTW kids love sleeping like this. My mom did this when my cousins stayed over (ages 4, 8 & 9) and they thought it was like camping and had sooo much fun. We had a pull-out couch that they slept in sideways (so their side was facing where our heads usually go). My mom gave them each their own special blanket and pillow and they looked so amazingly adorable.
I think it would be awesome if you go and when the kids ask where you are sleeping say you plan on finding a hottie at the bar and sleeping at his place. Let your sister deal with that instead. :)
BAHAHAHAHA! Love it.
Wow, that’s too bad. The 2 year old should be in a portable crib in his parents’ room. He’s going to be up first, and he’s their responsibility. If you’re on the couch, when he’s up early in the morning, you’ll be up too, like it or not.
My husband and I used to have to deal with similar sleeping situations with his family all the time. We’d end up on an air mattress way up in the attic or other generally weird/uncomfortable space while everyone else (even the kids) got more comfortable sleeping situations. We didn’t really feel like we could say anything because we weren’t paying for the condos or houses. It seemed like no one was being intentionally rude, they just weren’t thinking about our feelings. I think another part of it was that my husband is the youngest sibling, and everyone still saw him as a teenage boy they could stick anywhere.
We finally decided that we would stay in a hotel any time an air mattress or non-private room was mentioned. We still do most activities with the family, but we don’t have to deal with sleeping situations that we don’t like. Also, once we started doing this, people started planning for us to have an actual room and bed and putting all the kids in the SAME ROOM or the little kids in the rooms with their parents.
This. My inlaws always give my husband and I substandard accommodations in favor of his older brother and wife and all I can think of is that since we are younger and they generally treat us like we’re still in college or something (we’re 27) that it’s for this reason.
This. I was the last of my siblings to get married/long-term partnered, and I slept on a lot of pull-out couches and air mattresses.
At the last beach house the family rented, my pullout was in the den, which was mostly private, but had the door to the patio. And to get to the beach, everyone clomped through and went out the patio. The baby was up at 6:30, and that was the best time to take him to the beach, so grandma, auntie, mom and dad, and all their folding chairs and umbrellas and everything clomped through my room at 6:45. Not pleasant at all.
At this point, I’d rather pay for the hotel room than sleep on an air mattress. Even more so for a couch.
In your situation, I’d call up your sister and ask as best you can without making her feel guilty (kind of a know-your-family situation) what the plan was for your transport and sleeping arrangements. It’s totally ok to not go, especially if other parts of this trip will be unpleasant. I have found that I much prefer hanging out with my family in smaller batches – my brother, his wife, and nephew. Sister, her partner, and their friends. My parents alone.
With everyone around, I find that I and my family revert to behaviors we had when we were children. Kids just make that stress worse.
“With everyone around, I find that I and my family revert to behaviors we had when we were children. Kids just make that stress worse.”
This is the truest true thing ever written, at least with my husband’s family.
+1 Mine too.
Mine 3! They will literally get in fights and all call their mom and the same time.
Ha! Glad ours is not the only family where this happens. :)
But I know I contribute to it. I am a calm, together, responsible, nice adult. But when I am around all my family at once, I want to hog all the attention and I get really bossy. Like 12 year old me. Then I get sulky. And it’s worse than teenagerhood… now there is alcohol!
My behavior is terrible around my family.
I may be projecting a bit because I have a single SIL that always makes these types of situation about her and how left out she is… but, I am getting the impression that you are trying to make this situation way more dramatic than it it. Call your brother. Confirm 2 year old is sleeping on the couch/in the room with his parents. Figure out a way to deal with the cars – there is no way that parking is such a big issue that you can’t work around it. Be an adult. Don’t bail on a family trip just because one text from your sister makes it seem like you aren’t being considered. Your impulse to just bail because everyone isn’t catering to you is probably why they aren’t catering to you. It’s annoying.
Um, yeah, you’re projecting. If you have to start a comment with that, probably would have been better to refrain from the “Post Comment” button.
You are probably right. Sorry OP. I am totally projecting – my SIL is constantly acting like she’s left out of family stuff when she isn’t and threatening to bail on functions in dramatic fashion. It makes me really sad because I really want to build a relationship with her. Anyway, I am sure you are not like her. I hope you can work this trip out. Family vacations with such a big group can be amazing, even if they are sort of inconvenient.
People who threaten to bail should be encouraged to. They won’t be missed. Call them on their bluffs.
I agree with OC.
Thanks. I feel so much better after seeing your comment and the one above.
If you knew the whole story behind this, you’d be hard pressed to find fault with me. And those of you who know my previous handle will probably remember that ski week story with my nieces.
In fact, in light of that, I should just say “Nobody puts [Previous Handle] in a corner!”
you SHOULD! ;o)
Knowing your old handle actually makes me more likely to agree with OC then. I think you need to be upfront and take OC advice
I agree with OC, too. The issues here sound like they could be worked out, and the worst case scenario sounds like sleeping on a couch while enjoying a free vacation with your family – which really isn’t so bad. And if you really don’t want to go, I don’t know why you would feign sickness instead of just saying that you don’t want to sleep on a couch and can’t get transportation if you can’t park your car.
I guess I just don’t get it. If you cannot talk to your sister about this, why would you want to go spend a vacation in this situation? Don’t wait for them to accommodate you, tell them your plan (“I get a bedroom, I drive myself unless anyone has a better idea”). If they say no, decline (and honestly, like hoola hoopa says).
Agreed. Saying she can’t talk to her (or apparently anyone else) about it because their relationship doesn’t work that way isn’t a good excuse.
One final response and then I’m done…
I can’t talk to my sister or complain because it would upset my mother and could potentially result in us not seeing the nieces for a while, which would suck because they’re each amazing and awesome in their own way and they don’t deserve it. But it’s happened before so I’ll keep my mouth shut.
And I’ll think about talking to my brother. The problem is that he and his wife may decide just not to go and then that would somehow end up being my fault. This is the first time they’ve agreed to go and everyone is super excited. Also, they and my parents have been invited up multiple times this winter, but they haven’t been able to make it. This is the first time I’ve been invited.
But while most of you have understood the issue, some of you have just made me feel worse. So I’m going to close the book on this one and go home and be nice to myself.
I’m not sure why you are posting here if you want 100% validation for your feelings/actions. I’d rather people keep it real and tell me when I’m being unreasonable or overly dramatic.
seriously. i will never understand why people post on this site and then get mad when internet strangers tell them like it is.
and for what its worth, i agree with OC.
Wow, I’ve never understood why internet strangers need to be mean to be people. If you have nothing nice to say to a person in emotional pain than shut up and don’t say anything. You can go about your day without ruining someone elses.
Well this is certainly the way to convince people that you aren’t being dramatic.
Everything they do is so dramatic and flamboyant. It just makes me want to…set myself on fire!”
Wow you seem to lack empathy. A person is going through a rough time. You can be supportive and nice. You can even offer constructive criticisms while still being nice and supportive. Has no one ever said something to upset you?? If not, then you are lucky.
So I’m late to the conversation here, but if you have a good relationship with your nieces another option would be to declare that you’re having a “sleepover” in their room – you could probably convince one of them that is would be worth sleeping in a sleeping bag (and giving you the bed) so that cool Aunt Miss would hang out with them.
And I agree that you should look into a place where you can park your car, then ask someone to come pick you up from there.
Any recommendations for maternity clothing (especially jeans) brands/stores for a very petite woman? My sister is expecting a baby and is 4’11” tall and typically wears a size 0-2. She is having the hardest time finding clothes that are not giant on her! She is a teacher, so she doesn’t need suits and can wear jeans some days to work.
I think H&M has a maternity line. Their regular line fits my petite friends well, so maybe they might have some options?
Friends who fit this description had good luck at Target and Destination Maternity.
There are very few. I’m 5’1″ and ooP, but was very busty when pregnant. I had the best luck with the Gap and Destination Maternity.
It’s been awhile, but I could get petite sizes at Gap and LOFT. I’m 5’1″. Pants can be hemmed and having a longer top isn’t such a bad thing when you’re pregnant.
Allison Izu sells maternity jeans in petite sizes and inseams (27″ and 30″, iirc). Otherwise, old navy maternity jeans can run small. That won’t help on length, but at least they would fit otherwise.
I’ve seen several people on this site mention that they use a rice cooker. I’m in the market for one, and looking at reviews on Amazon has helped narrow my choices, but I would appreciate your recommendations for rice cookers. Do you have a size preference? (I’m the only one in my family that eats rice, but if I could make a batch ahead of time for lunches, that would be great. Looking to spend <$100.
I used to have one of the super cheap aroma rice cookers for a long time, $30, they work just fine.
I then got a 10-cup for a while bc i thought i wanted more capacity, but I am just me, so honestly it took up more space in my kitchen than it was worth, because 10 cups of rice would go bad in a week, and I couldn’t finish it all that fast.
So, I upgraded/downsized to an Oyama 5-cup. It’s a better brand, and I never have to worry about the soggy issues, rice and quinoa comes out perfectly fluffy every time. But it’s the right size, if I make 2 cups of rice (2 cups dry) it translates into enough to get me through 6 days till it’s time to make another batch.
Sweethome is great for questions like that: http://thesweethome.com/reviews/the-best-rice-cooker/
I just have a basic one from Target, I think it was $30 or so. You really don’t need to spend a lot and a small one still makes a LOT of rice, esp. for one person. The only reason I’d want a bigger one is that you can also use it as a steamer and a bigger one is easier to use for that – if that’s something you’d want to do.
Agree with this. I used to have a $20 Hamilton Beach (or some other super cheap label) one that didn’t feel particularly solid. It lasted me 5 years though and was fine for anything up to 4 cups of uncooked rice. It even came with a steamer basket. I’ve since graduated to a Zojirushi neuro-fuzzy which is AMAZING!! (but above your price range, especially if you’re not a huge rice person)
PSA: You can freeze cooked rice, wrapped air-tight, and reheat it up to two weeks later with no real change in the texture.
That said, small rice cookers are probably fine, unless you eat a TON of rice.
I have a 5 cup (I think) super cheap Yan Can Cook one I bought at a Longs Drugstore about 8 years ago and it’s still going strong. I’ve cooked several different types of grains in it, and it has a steamer basket on top I put veggies or potstickers in. (Veggies come out very soft though – my husband prefers it like that. It’s not my preference but I don’t mind. Probably not for everyone though.)
This is expensive, but I love it: http://www.casa.com/p/zojirushi-ns-lac05-micom-3-cup-rice-cooker-warmer-275026
It’s small, easy to put away and you can a timer in the morning for the rice to be done by a certain time at night.
Love the dress from the front, but what’s with the shiny exposed zipper?
so I used a couple of my (plentiful) vacation days to take a short trip back to Former City to see some friends this wkend. I could tell my boss was a little annoyed about it, because they feel like I haven’t worked ‘hard enough’ this last year, but she would never say anything out loud. She was just kind of short with me.
Well, just as I’m having my last evening there and getting ready to pack for a morning flight, I realize the cr8ppiness I’ve been feeling all day is not that i drank too much the night before, it’s that I have actually come down with a bad cold. So had to email boss that I will not be in Monday, still to sick to work today, and we have a huge deadline coming up in exactly a week that I am kind of behind on.
First of all, I just feel like I am sick All. The. Time. this last year, and I am so over it. But at the same time, I hate being held to this standard of, yeah, you are basically doing your job, but you’re not Bringing It and doing 150% so we’re mad at you. Blech. Just want to hide in bed till the rest of the world disappears.
I’m so sorry! This flu season has been really hard on me too. I’m just recovering from a terrible, terrible cold that lasted all of 10 days and I was still sniffly and sounded weird on my conference call this morning. I’ve had to order tissue boxes like nobody’s business, ha! And I was really pretty sick back in January too with another hacking cough that took a while to go.
Too bad your boss is being passive aggressive about your work product (is it possible she isn’t, and you’re just projecting your own regrets about lost productivity? Because I do that sometimes.) Hopefully she’ll realize that you’ll be back to your awesome Bringing It self in a week or so!
Feeling your pain. I feel like I’m not working up to standards, but no one will tell me what the standards are, because they keep changing. Then I get gaslighted–oh, we never/always do it that way, what were you thinking. And bringing up a specific e-mail that details the directive is considered “counterproductive” and not being a team player. Blergh.
What colors would you wear with these “terracotta” jeans besides cream or white?
http://www.loft.com/modern-skinny-ankle-jeans-in-terra-cotta-red-with-29-inch-inseam/310950
Black, navy, khaki, pale yellow, olive – the color looks versatile to me.
I think camel would look great.
I’m pretty conservative with color matching and would probably stick with cream or maybe a light grey. To me this would not be very versatile.
I have a pair of ankle pants that color and I love them with all shades of blue.
Excellent ideas y’all – thanks! I particularly like the idea of yellow and blues for spring.
Chambray shirt?
Miss Behaved’s thread got me thinking about something that’s been bothering me, so I thought I’d throw a question to the hive…
Hypothetically, if you were in charge of allocating sleeping space to your friends/family (let’s assume you own or rent the house in question), do married couples ALWAYS get priority for actual bedrooms over other couples (long-term but not engaged and/or engaged)? In other words, if there were 4 bedrooms plus couches/air mattresses, would you always assign the bedrooms to the married couples and the air mattresses/couches/floor (and the lack of privacy that goes along with them) to the non-marrieds? Or would you use some other criteria?
I’m sick of my non-married status precluding me from getting an actual bedroom with privacy. But maybe I’m being unreasonable?
We have sometimes done a “first come first serve” arrangement when it was a bunch of couples going (and no kids). So whoever arrived first got to pick where they wanted to sleep. As we have added kids to the mix, we usually assign spaces to take that into account.
Certainly not- Ive never even heard of this distinction. I can see giving a bedroom to couples in general, but not dividing up on marital status unless there was a significant age difference. Also if you are not paying, you get assigned. If you are paying, no one should be assigning you rooms
well, in this situation, no one is paying. and it isn’t clear if anyone is arriving earlier than anyone else; my family member told me ahead of time who would be sleeping where, as if she had planned it all out beforehand. and the only criteria I could discern that she used was married vs. non-married.
None of my friends are married yet but there are several couples. If everyone was driving up separately, we usually have people pick their spots based on the order they arrive.
Not going to lie, though.. my parents’ cabin has one room with two twin beds and if we had two unattached friends on the trip I’d probably ask them to share the room (the other option being a couch or an air mattress for one)
yeah, I totally get that. when I was single I was annoyed to have to sleep on the couch, but I never said anything because I realized that the alternative made no sense.
but now that I’m in relationship (albeit a non-married one), this really bugs me.
I think the married vs. not distinction is dumb. I only look at it in terms of maximizing the space; it makes more sense for two people to share a bedroom with one queen bed vs. giving the entire room to just one person.
A couple is a couple, in my opinion. I don’t find myself in this situation often, though, because I need my privacy and am not likely to leave the arrangements to someone else or put myself in this kind of vacation scenario.
My group of friends who typically rent a house to go skiing every winter is one married couple (us), two long term couples, and between two or three single people.
The person who does the legwork finding the house usually gets the best bedroom as sort of an unspoken rule in my group. We tend to rent different places by different ski areas vs. going to the same place every year. The “organizer” is usually me or a woman in a long-term couple. So, we make no distinction on married or not.
Of course, last time we had two single guys and they slept in a king sized bed together in the best room, because that was the only workable situation where everyone would have a bed. My husband and I slept in the queen sized bedroom.
No kids for any of us, so that is not an issue.
I could see if parents did this, because they’re pretending you’re not married and thus not having LGPs. :-)
haha, point taken, but not the situation here… if it were my parents I’d be annoyed but would totally understand.
In my experience, it’s common to give couples bedrooms and singles sleep in the public areas. I would not make a distinction between married couples and dating/engaged couples but I can see how someone might not want unmarried couples sharing a bedroom in their home if they’re hosting. But if you’re talking about a rental house or something like that, it seems really weird to divide up rooms based on marital status.
I think older singles should get a room over younger couples, married or not.
The problem there is that you can’t ask two single people to share a bed, so the logistics is just problematic, and you’ll end up having to find yet more sleeping places (1 bed + 1 couch vs 1 bed + 1 couch + air mattress). It doesn’t quite seem fair for a younger couple to get a room over an older person, single or not, but unless the older person is significantly older (like 20 years), the practicality outweighs the discomfort.
Good clarification – I meant older by a generation, not a decade. Grandma shouldn’t be on the couch, so that some 25 year old couple gets a room.
Agree 100%.
Why can’t you ask two singles to share? I mean, it doesn’t work in all cases but, but two single people can definitely share a bed (and might, if a couch is the alternative). I also wouldn’t rule out sharing a queen or larger bed with a female friend if they were also okay with it (like if hotel rooms were crazy expensive).
Signed, the niece who gets paired with the single aunts as the alternative to sleeping on the floor/air mattress, or shares with another female cousin.
No, I would assign either first come first served or by couple/non couple. Married or non doesn’t make a difference.
I would like to take the opportunity to complain here about vacation places. I have one relative + spouse with flexible jobs who like to HOG the family vacation place for the whole summer and then the relative tries to make the rest of the younger generation (who can’t go up there for a whole summer!) work around HIS sleeping arrangements and plans to host guests. GRRR.
In my family, my brother would usually get relegated to the air mattress/non-private quarters because he’s the one least likely to be upset by people walking through his space. If my family was sharing space and we had to decide who gets a bedroom versus who doesn’t, I think my husband and I would share a bed in a common space before my sister and her husband would because they’re grouchier about having people around. And frankly, my other sister and her boyfriend would probably get a room before DH and me because it’d make her BF uncomfortable to be exposed to all that family togetherness without some separate space.
My point is that there are a lot of dynamics to consider when trying to divide up space and I don’t know of a situation where everyone is happy.
Agree with “There are lots of dynamics to consider.” Not sure married/non-married but long-term should matter. Age should matter.
Agree – with family it is usually an age distinction. Or a “length of the relationship” thing.
I’ve never been in this situation, but I’d do it based on couple status and then age. Couples should be using the double occupancy beds before singles, and older bones need beds before air mattresses.
I think that grownups ought to get a room with a door, period (so singles get equal dignity with couples, marital status is not relevant). You may need to get creative with payments or find singles who can share a room (two female cousins or friends, would not force people to do mix genders) or have it be like a cruise where you pay per head count (so the couple pays 2x what the singles do, but if the single wants a room that could otherwise hold a couple, they would need to pay 2x). It’s complicated, but if a couple broke up, they shouldn’t then be relegated to the couch or a common area.
We tend to use whoever travelled the farthest as part of the criteria and things like who gets there first or stays the longest as other criteria. My family rented a house a few months ago and ran into this issue. My brother and his wife and baby got one room, my parents and grandparents each got a room too. There were then 2 other rooms with queen beds, 1 room with a pull-out couch, and 1 room with 2 sets of bunk beds. My fiancé and I got a queen bed room because we travelled the farthest (and he wasn’t my fiancé yet, though he did propose on the trip). That left a sister and her fiancé, another sister and her boyfriend, a single sister, and a single brother to work it out for the other rooms. The sister with a fiancé got the other queen bed because they were the only ones staying the entire time. My sister with a boyfriend shared the bunk bed room with my single sister because they could only stay a portion of the time and they moved into our room after we left.
In situations like this, I like to turn to Emily Post’s 1922 Etiquette Here is what she says on this issue:
“It is almost unnecessary to say that in no well-appointed house is a guest, except under three circumstances, put in a room with any one else. The three exceptions are:
1) A man and wife, if the hostess is sure beyond a doubt that they occupy similar quarters when at home.
2) Two young girls who are friends and have volunteered, because the house is crowded, to room together in a room with two beds.
3) On an occasion such as a wedding, a ball, or an intercollegiate athletic event, young people don’t mind for one night (that is spent for the greater part “up”) how many are doubled; and house room is limited merely to cot space, sofas, and even the billiard table.”
There we have it. Now you can focus on making sure that your footmen are carrying the proper breakfast trays to each room.
I love me some old-school Emily Post.
I’m not going to lie, I always pull it out when I need to write life occasion notes (condolence, wedding, engagement, new job) to people I don’t know well. The book has that stuff down cold.
just food for thought, is the single person paying the same to sleep on the couch as the couple who gets their own room?
Hi all. I have tried searching for this a few times but cannot find it. Does anyone have suggestions on reaching out to a former coworker when I see that his firm is hiring? We were friendly but are not in touch now. Can I straight out ask if would pass my resume along? Or is that too forward?
1- ask how former coworker is doing
2- say you noticed his company was hiring
3- express your interest in working there because of reasons x, y, & z
4- ask if he wouldn’t mind passing along your resume
Having been on both sides of this conversation, I think that 1-3 are fine. Instead of putting him on the spot, perhaps ask if he knows who you need to contact. Then he can offer to pass along the resume directly (several firms I have worked with have referral bonuses for current employees) or just tell you to call the hiring manager.
Agree. I wouldn’t mind if one of my former colleagues did this with me as long as we had a decent relationship when we worked together. He might even get a referral bonus if you get hired so he might be extra motivated to help you.