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Workwear sales of note for 5.26.23:
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale just started! See our thoughts here.
- Amazon – Memorial Day Sales! Lots of discounts on Amazon Essentials and more.
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off lots of sale styles (prices as marked).
- Anthropologie – Extra 40% off sale.
- Banana Republic Factory – 50%-70% off everything + extra 25% off purchase (ends 5/31).
- Boden – Sale, up to 50% off.
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off sale; already up to 70% off (ends 5/31) – also mix & match sale with men’s shirts, 4 for $249.
- Cole Haan – Up to 50% off sale styles (ends 5/31).
- Eloquii – 400+ styles starting at $19; up to 50% off everything.
- Express – Summer kickoff sale, 30-50% off everything (plus $35+ steals) (ends 6/1).
- H&M – Up to 60% off online and in-store.
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off “dressed up” styles (lots of cute dresses!).
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything, no exclusions.
- J.McLaughlin – The Sale Event, extra 30% off.
- Loft – 40% off full-price styles
- M.M.LaFleur – Short but sweet sale (ends 6/1).
- Madewell – Get 30% off your purchase.
- Ministry of Supply – 25% off sitewide (ends 6/1).
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty.
- Shopbop – Up to 50% off designer sale!
- Sue Sartor – Lots of cute dresses on sale!
- Talbots – Extra 40% off all markdowns (ends 6/1)!
- Theory – Up to 60% off + an extra 20% off.
- Universal Standard – 25% off sitewide (ends 6/1).
Other noteworthy sales:
- CB2.com – Up to 50% off everything!
- Joss & Main – Up to 60% off, plus an extra 20% off with code.
- Tuft & Needle – Save up to $775 on mattresses. (Reader favorite bed brand; Kat really likes hers!)
- West Elm – Memorialy Day Sale, up to 60% off.
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
- Favorite comfy pants for an overnight plane ride?
- I’ve got a nasty case of tech neck…
- What’s a good place for a relaxing solo escape?
- What’s the best commuter backpack?
- I’m early 40s and worry my career arc is ending…
- I canNOT figure out the proportions in this current season of fashion…
- How is everyone wearing scarves in 2023?
- What shoes are people wearing to work between boot and sandal season?
- What’s a good place for a relaxing solo escape?
- What are some of your go-to outfits that feel current?
- I need more activities that are social, easy to learn and don’t involve extreme running/jumping/etc.
So I know I’m supposed to tip Concierges for actually “doing” things for me (reservations, scheduling activities etc.). Do you also tip them if you’re just asking for advice (best restaurant, what to do/see etc.)?
Nope. I don’t generally, unless I’ve hit them up several times during the trip and they’ve come through every time with something that wasn’t an obvious choice and was excellent.
No, that’s totally their job, nothing ‘extra’ to tip for in my opinion.
This dress is sublime. Drops mic.
+ Agreed! This color looks terrible on me but it’s a beautiful dress.
Same! I’d love this dress in maybe navy or something.
+ a million.
I love LK Bennett dresses. They’re so gorgeous.
I want this dress. I do not need it, but I really really want it.
So beautiful. Nowhere to wear it and don’t have $395, but I want it.
One day when I’m fabulously wealthy I will buy this dress in black for my sister who is an architect. Dreeeeams.
I ordered this dress because it said it was machine washable. When it arrived, the tag said dry clean only.
That’s really annoying
And good to know! Sheesh.
Looking for Miami recs
Going to be in Miami South Beach for work conference later this month. Will have about two half days to explore. Looking for neighborhood suggestions, especially photogenic ones as I will have my camera with me and I’m learning photography. Also looking for food recs. Thanks in advance!
Wynwood, which is a cool arts district. At least when I lived in Miami, it was full of murals and stuff, so very photogenic, IMO
+1 – when I went last year or the year before. It is a super artsy neighborhood.
If you’ll be there April 13-15, the Miami leg of the Longines Global Champions Tour horse show series will be ON Miami Beach that week. If you’ve got a camera and want to capture the world’s horses jumping with an ocean background, you shouldn’t miss that opportunity.
This isn’t a South Beach neighborhood, but it’s not far away and if you are into old houses and gardens, Vizcaya Museum & Gardens is worth a look and is ridiculously photogenic: http://vizcaya.org/
The area outside the Bass museum and symphony are very photogenic, as is South Point Park. Definitely go to Wynwood and Perez Museum also has a beautiful outside area. The Pubbelly restaurants are amazing. So is Bazaar, for a big splurge
Oh also Taquiza for a quick meal!
I’ve seen a lot of recommendation for the Gottman method/materials/counseling. I’m in an area with no Gottman-trained counselors. My husband and I are really committed to making our marriage work, but recognize we don’t know where to start and while we like the idea of counseling, the Gottman method seems to address a lot of the things we struggle with.
– Have any of you used the at-home workshop?
– I’d like to read one of his books, which one should I start with? There are so many!
– Curious if any biglaw folks (particularly those with non-lawyer/biglaw spouse) have found this helpful?
I really like The Relationship Cure. Super simple concepts like “bids” and “turning towards” vs “turning away” that can be revolutionary if put into practice. I could never get my ex to take any interest, but if your husband has good will and is on board with reading a book and putting some concepts to work, it’s a good one. Also might be a little less threatening than a “marriage” book because it’s about all kinds of relationships.
Thank you! Thankfully he’s the one that first suggested counseling. I grew up in a non-counseling household and figured we could just do it on our own. I quickly realized that was dumb.
Thank you for the recommendation!
anon for this
This is going to sound like a backwards recommendation when I say that my ex and I went to a Gottman weekend seminar in another town and I thought it was well worth it. We are both lawyers although my job was on a different level of stress (i.e., I enjoy my law-related job and he hated his traditional partner position). We also read the 7 Principles book and worked with a counselor who was very familiar with Gottman (though not fully certified as Gottman). It was a 4-5 years ago and I remember coming out of it feeling much more hopeful and that we had a tangible path. I took away things that I still use. Now, it turns out that his path a couple years later led him to infidelity and lots of wine so our path now includes a divorce a year ago but that’s not Gottman’s fault (chalk it up to yet another super unhappy, addictive personality lawyer who is looking to numb themselves … live and learn, right?).
I’m so sorry to hear about what your ex did. Thank you for still sharing your experience!
I’ve read the Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and I’m currently reading The Relationship Cure.
My husband and I did the Seven Principles book in lieu of counseling when we were hitting a really really rough patch in our early marriage. I think it may be the kind of book you need to do if you don’t end up going to counseling. There are a lot of exercises to work through together– both serious and fun. I credit that book for saving my marriage. It really helped my husband open up and helped us understand each other so much better.
We’re going through another rough patch right now, which is why I’m reading the Relationship Cure. It’s very eye opening as well and as someone in a previous comment said, it’s geared towards all different kinds of relationships. I’m only one chapter in, but it makes a huge amount of sense. With a lot of authors their books just rehash each other, but these two are very different and I don’t at all feel like I wasted my money having both of them.
Wrote a long post that is now stuck in moderation. Long story short– 7 Principles book is what you’re looking for.
I need help from those of you with a better artistic eye. I ordered the following print (link to follow) and don’t know how to mat/frame it. The background and print itself is so dark, my instinct was a light color mat/dark frame? I’m ordering online so I can’t just ask at the counter of a store that specializes in this. TIA!
So cool! I might go with a white mat and a black frame – you’ve got so much colour in the piece itself that anything else might be a bit overwhelming? Or a wooden frame to pick up the brown tones?
I’d go with an off-white and off-black (or a brown/black wood) to soften it up a bit.
Thanks! I don’t know why my brain just skipped white as an option completely. I like the idea of a dark wood frame with it.
So, I’ve recently been somewhat reconverted to brick-and-mortar framing businesses, if you can get a recommendation for a good place. IMO they don’t charge much more than online, and you get someone who knows what they are talking about. Would you consider ordering the print and taking it there? If not, then yeah, I agree with your instinct.
I think most art should have a white mat.
I don’t have much to add re how to mat & frame, buuuut: Thank you for bringing this website into my life. That is all.
You are very welcome! The only thing that stopped me from ordering more prints was a lack of walls…
Sadly, this hasn’t stopped me from buying art . . . I am out of space with my latest purchase at the framers.
I bought my mom the Typewriter print, and it looks GREAT. Really great quality prints.
Amen! That Harry Potter print in the kids section – birthday present for the daughter complete!
What color is your furniture and what is your style? I’d stick with a dark frame in either wood or black depending on your furniture. If your style is bold, you could pull out one of the lighter colors like yellow for the mat, or do white which is more classic.
There actually isn’t much furniture in the room. White walls and a white dresser. Purplish spread on the bed.
This is a big print, and framing is going to be expensive. Depending on how traditional you want it to look, you might consider getting it face-mounted on plexiglass or something like that (a no frame look) – it would probably be cheaper. Or a large clip frame or something. Since it is a poster you don’t need to invest in fancy framing to protect it. Otherwise, I feel mats should ALWAYS be white or slightly off-white (white in this case I think). For a modern-looking frame, galleries are using white or whitewashed wood a lot now, but I agree that with this much black on the print you would probably do better with black. Or you could try maple or a similar light wood. Keeping the frame neutral is going to give it more longevity, don’t do a color.
what do you all do to shred papers? I went back and for taxes that are more than 3 years past filing, am just going to keep major documents (tax return, proof of receipt, a few 1099s and important papers). I have about a foot stack of papers and about an equally stack of years of flex spending / day care receipts. With lots of personal info on it, so trash isn’t an option.
Where do you all go to shred big quantities of things? I am at a loss.
We have a small home shredder. It’s capable of handling jobs that size and they aren’t that expensive. Sometimes there are community events where you can take boxes of documents to be shredded. Office supply stores may also have shredding services.
Tech Comm Geek
A lot of banks and credit unions provide the ability to put your shredding into their professional shredding bins, if you are a customer. That’s the first place I’d check.
My community also has quarterly shredding events where you can bring up to a set amount of shredding.
Where I live, a local bank (I think it’s a bank) sponsors a quarterly community shred where you can take x number of boxes of papers and have them shredded on site. Check to see if your community has something similar.
Same. Our local high school does this as a fundraiser 2x a year.
I gave up on my at-home shredder because we get so much shredworthy mail… i now just create a grocery bag of shredding material that I take to Office Max/Depot and have shredded approximately monthly. the cost is by the pound and I usually spend 5-10$ a month on it.
Thanks — this is good to know. There is an OD nearby and I’m happy to pay a bit just to have the giant stack go away.
I have a home shredder that works well for shredding small quantities of paper–one or two years’ worth of taxes, a few days’ worth of junk mail. It overheats pretty quickly, though. I don’t trust the office supply stores because they don’t shred the material in front of you and I am not so sure about the security of their boxes. When I had a banker’s box of stuff to shred after a big cleanout, I took it to a local shredding company. It cost about $20 for them to shred it on their truck while I watched.
Take them to work and toss them in our shredding bin. It gets taken once a month or so.
anon in SV
I asked my bf what the happiest period in his life so far had been. His answer was some of the time when he was together with his ex that he dated immediately before me, a woman I strongly suspect still wants to get back together with him.
When he saw I was upset at his answer, he said he didn’t think it was possible or good to pretend like we hadn’t had lives before we met each other, that things look different in hindsight, etc. Agreed, but it still really made me sad.
Was I dumb to ask this question, is he being a jerk, or something else?
I don’t think you were dumb to ask the question. I would be really hurt if my partner told me they were happier at a time when they were with someone else. I think he’s extremely insensitive, but I would also question whether he thinks that you are the right person for him.
He’s pretty insensitive sometimes. Normally I don’t take it personally but this hit pretty close to home for the reasons you mention.
Why you wanna be dating someone who is insensitive towards you?
Normally I feel like the good things about him outweigh this flaw, and I don’t feel like it’s personal/directed toward me. He’s just kind of oblivious about how his actions affect others sometimes.
So he’s inconsiderate and doesn’t bother to think about how his actions affect others? Boy bye
When people show you who they are, believe them. Anything else is craziness.
Daisy, I’m concerned that you say this because usually this kind of obliviousness just gets worse over time, or at the very least the consequences get worse over time, as you merge lives and need to count on someone to be a full partner.
Thanks lower case anonymous. That is a good point to think about.
Is he still friends with this woman? It sounds like you know her.
They aren’t friends, but she has called him for advice about her current relationship when it was on the rocks.
He’s actually great at giving interpersonal advice, but I didn’t think it was good for our relationship. When I told him how it made me feel, he agreed and stopped talking to her. This was 6 months ago probably.
That would make me a bit wary, that he only found it inappropriate once you told him you felt it was.
Please trust your gut.
I dated someone for 4+ years who was just friends with a woman that I highly suspected he wanted to be with. They got married last summer.
Serious question – did you want an honest answer or did you want him to say that this is the happiest period?
I think I did want an honest answer, but I wasn’t expecting that one! He’s not the kind of person who would say that this was the happiest period just to make me feel good, so I wasn’t expecting him to simply say that if he didn’t feel it.
Purely for my own curiosity – what did you hope to get from asking this question? It’s so open ended and could end up with all sorts of answers . . .
I guess I didn’t think about it strategically like there was something I was hoping to get out of it. I just wanted to know more about him.
+1. It’s your fault for asking a question and being upset by an honest answer.
Oh BS. So what, we’re not supposed to ask honest questions of our partners because we’re *at fault* when they give an honest but hurtful answer? We’re just supposed to live in the dark and only ask questions of our partners that we know will lead to happy answers? Wow, that sounds like a good way to have a healthy relationship! That’s crap. OP should not shoulder *blame* for this. It’s a pretty innocuous question that could have had hundreds of answers. Her feelings are legit.
OP, here’s my question: did his response indicate that he was happiest *because* he was with her, or that he happened to be with her at the time?
Her feelings are legit, but she should be honest about what they are. I’m going to guess she did secretly want an answer that included her, and that’s when it’s not fair to say the guy is being inconsiderate. Because she also isn’t communicating honestly.
I mean, of course I hoped for an answer that included me! I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t…
I would definitely be OK with an honest answer that didn’t include me! It’s all about your expectations and motivation.
“I’m going to guess she did secretly want an answer that included her, and that’s when it’s not fair to say the guy is being inconsiderate. Because she also isn’t communicating honestly.”
Again, BS. If I asked this question of someone, I’d have expected an answer like “oh, when I did my Fullbright in Malaysia,” or “when I lived with some great friends during senior year” or “when my kid was born.” Not “when I was dating my ex.” That would be left field, and yes, very inconsiderate irrespective of what answer she was expecting. She’s not pissed that he didn’t say “when I met you,” (i.e., that his answer didn’t include her), she’s pissed that he said “when I was with my ex” (i.e., specifically excluding her in favor of another woman!). These are different. How is this complicated for you to understand? Seems like you just want to blame her.
I see no reason to chide this woman for “failing to communicate honestly.” It doesn’t seem like she was asking a “gotcha” question. She is being honest with herself about what her feelings are. What she does next is up to her, given her bf’s reaction. It’s amazing to me that people are telling OP that she “can’t get upset” at his answer- what are you guys going to suggest next, that she stay with him if he explains that yes, he was happier with her? After all, it’s her fault for asking! Can’t get upset at an honest answer! Idiocy.
But wait, she said he talked about a time that included when he was dating his ex, to me that means he didn’t say “when I was dating so and so” but rather “when I lived in x city and was doing y” which also happened to be the time when he was dating her. That seems really unfair to be mad at him about.
I tried that strategy, sort-of-not-really-unconsciously, for years. Doesn’t work out well. Learned a lot and won’t make that mistake again, but not going to get those years back in my life…
Sure, I hear the posters on “You can’t get upset” if they give you an honest answer, but you can make better decisions for your happiness with the information you get.
+1 to NikkiMarrie’s comment
Reread her answers, Nasty Woman. She acknowledges it was a bit of a gotcha, and that’s she’s already feeling insecure in this relationship.
“Reread her answers, Nasty Woman. She acknowledges it was a bit of a gotcha, and that’s she’s already feeling insecure in this relationship.”
I see no where on this thread where she admits it was a gotcha. In fact, she wrote “I guess I didn’t think about it strategically like there was something I was hoping to get out of it. I just wanted to know more about him.” You are desperate to shame this woman and it’s sad.
Try again. “I mean, of course I hoped for an answer that included me! I can’t imagine anyone who wouldn’t…”
Again, basic LITERACY will help you here.
As I explained to you earlier: “She’s not pissed that he didn’t say “when I met you,” (i.e., that his answer didn’t include her), she’s pissed that he said “when I was with my ex” (i.e., specifically excluding her in favor of another woman!).” Are you confused? there are three options here: an answer that included her (nice but not mandatory), an answer that included no girlfriends (fine, neutral outcome), an answer that included his ex (making her sad).
You also completely ignored the fact that she previously stated it wasn’t a strategic question. The statement YOU quoted was in response to YOUR leading question positing that she hoped that his answer would include her. She simply agreed that she would have liked that outcome. It CERTAINLY doesn’t imply that she was trying to trip him up about his feelings for her v. his ex.
Thanks for understanding, nasty woman. Yes, this describes my POV here.
+1 OP you can’t ask a question like this and then get upset about an honest answer.
But also agree with those below that a person’s reasons for being happy are much more complex than just who you are with. What about what’s going on at work or with your family? That has nothing to do with your SO and can significantly impact your happiness. Further raw happiness isn’t the only thing that’s important in a relationship. Again, you might be _miserable_ for many reasons that have nothing to do with your SO, but if s/he’s supportive then it’s still a strong relationship. So not only do you not have any right to be upset by an honest answer to your question, if you are upset you might be reading too much into the answer.
There’s honest and then there’s honest. If OP was hurt by any answer other than “gazing into your eyes is the happiest I’ve ever been” then that’s one thing. But that’s not what happened here so it’s irrelevant whether she was fishing for a compliment. There was no need for him to mention an ex. That’s hurtful.* If he doesn’t see why that’s hurtful then he has the emotional IQ of mayonnaise. You can do better than mayonnaise, OP.
*My only caveat is if kids are involved. As in, the happiest moment of my life was the first time I held my child after ex gave birth to him. Or even, I was happiest when my family was together and functioning before my marriage went to hell.
Good caveat. Hubs and I have been married for 13 years now. But at the beginning of our relationship there were times that he missed his “family”, not necessarily the ex and the drama that went with her. But I couldn’t fault him for missing being part of a happy family.
I think you are entitled to be sad, but I don’t think his answer necessarily makes him a jerk. Was it the happiest period in his life solely because of his ex or because of other things going on in his life at the time? Maybe he really liked his job, where he was living, friends he hung out with and just happened to be dating that other person at the time.
Also, just because that was the happiest period in his life, doesn’t mean he isn’t happy right now, with you.
Yeah the happiest time of my life, so far, was when I was with an ex. It wasn’t happy because of him though- spring 3L year was just a blast. Easy minimal classes, lots of day drinking with good friends, not many responsibilities. Did you ask why it was the happiest?
No, that would have been a very good question! I was just hurt by the answer and kind of retreated.
Yeah so you’re lying to yourself then. You didn’t ask this to find out more about him. You asked this to get an answer you wanted to hear.
You can still ask it. Perhaps knowing why will help you work through the sadness of the answer . . . assuming it was not solely related to the ex and more about environmental and situational factors.
Yeah, maybe I will still ask.
I don’t know. I think it’s totally normal to want your partner to be happiest when they are with you. I know my husband was really happy in college because he was an athlete and partied and had a great time. But I also know that he has never been happier than when he met me and married me.
If he was happier before because of other factors in his life, then fine. But if it has anything to do with his ex, I think it’s legitimate to be upset.
I do think other things in his life were better then/more full of possibilities. But he phrased it like “when I was dating X,” not like “the spring when I was a 3L”.
Then break up with him because he likes her more and isn’t a nice person.
First Year Anon
People are being harsh. I would follow up with him, and if you get an equally insensitive answer, I honestly would consider whether this is a deal-breaker. Sorry you’re dealing with this :(.
I think theres a difference between ‘period with his ex’ and ‘period in his life as a WHOLE’. So I can see how this is hurtful. I see above that you say he can be insensitive at times/its part of his personality. I think you need to consider whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you because he will likely not change anytime soon and moments like these are likely going to happen again (growing out of something like this usually takes years and people are not improvement projects).
Oh, that’s weird, then. I was going to say if he said the happiest time of his life was when he was in college, and he happened to be dating her when he was in college, or some other similar situation, then, eh – it would sound like you found something to be hurt by in a fairly neutral answer. But if he actually outright told you the happiest time in his life was when he was dating someone who is not you, then I think you have a problem.
Ok, that changes my answer above. That’s a jerk answer.
Anon in NYC
Yeah. Not a dumb question and you’re entitled to be sad, but was the reason for his answer because of his ex or for some other reason. I think people get nostalgic about the past for a variety of reasons.
His response was pretty oaflike. Like seriously dude… hopefully he clarified and said it was happy because of his friends/work/family/etc situation at the same time, not because of the woman. If he didn’t, he’s either a jerk or socially inept.
Agreed. My vote is jerk.
Agree. Even if that was his happiest time, he should have found another almost as happy event (winning big high school soccer tournament, graduating college, favorite vacation – anything else).
I realize it’s hard to get an unexpected answer like that. I’m sorry and it’s okay to be sad and hurt. But it’s better that you get a hard truth than a lie. Maybe it’s time to take a hard look at your relationship and see if you’re really as happy as you think you are.
I had my first pedicure of the season yesterday, and woke up with an inflamed/infected cuticle this morning. I don’t blame the salon (everything was perfectly clean/sterilized) at all. I’ve had this with fingernails before when I get a bit too carried away with cleaning up, but first time on a toe. Any tips for dealing with this? It’s just a bit swollen and tender. I’ve been putting antibiotic cream on it, but not sure if there’s anything else that would help.
Pour hydrogen peroxide on it and keep it wrapped in a band aid.
First Year Anon
I’m sure the cream will take care of it. Just monitor it and reapply as necessary.
Nightly soaks in an epsom salt bath (you can probably get away with a mixing bowl if it’s just the toe), plus antibiotic cream.
I’d second the epsom salt soaks and antibiotic cream and add my own cautionary tale. I once had a slightly red/swollen cuticle after a pedicure and it progressed to an abscess under the nail that required several rounds of antibiotics and ultimately complete removal of the nail. So just … keep a close eye on it.
Any advice for finding a therapist in NYC? I have no idea where to even start and it seems like a lot of people don’t take insurance.
I cant necessarily comment on finding a therapist in NYC specifically since I’m based in DC but in terms of insurance a lot of therapists in general have a sliding scale option based on your salary- thats what mine did since she didnt accept my insurance and its worked out really well for the past 2.5 years.
Psychology Today’s website has a therapist finder; you can sort by which insurance providers take, what type of therapy they use, issues they specialize in, and more.
I’ll add that I’ve had good luck submitting psychiatrist’s bills to our insurance company directly. In our case we pay the bill, fill out a 1 page form, and send the form and a copy of the bill to the insurance company. Reimbursement takes a while but we’re not covering the whole cost ourselves.
Yes, I did this for years with my therapist. He’d give me a statement every month and I’d submit it to my insurance company.
It is super frustrating. Try asking your primary care doc (or OBGYN or whoever you have) for a rec. I saw Dolores Cavaglia Fischer in Brooklyn Heights for a while. She’s a LCSW and took my crappy insurance. Recs from friends are the best if you are willing to put it out there.
Anon for this
My dad died when I was a teenager, and my mom is narcissistic. So, because she was my only role model, I never saw or developed solid social/communication skills. My question is, what does “normal” fighting with a partner look like? Partner A says or does something that upsets B. B tells A that he/she is upset. A apologizes. Additional conversation follows. B forgives and then life goes on? Is that generally and ideally how it goes? DH and I have gotten in several arguments lately, and I’m trying to assess whether my reactions are inappropriate or whether he’s expecting too much or being overly sensitive.
Yeah I mean that’s how they go for me. I tell him he upset me somehow, he explains or apologizes, we talk about next time, I forgive him and we move on. To me that’s what a committed relationship is- we love each other, I know he means well, he knows I mean well, but no one is perfect so we forgive each other readily.
IMO there is an added layer though – are you all getting into screaming matches about minor things or are the arguments based on deeper more meaningful issues? Are there situational factors that are contributing (stress at work, illness, etc.)? I still think the pattern you laid out is good, but if there are other factors that are contributing to the increase in arguments, it’s good to also look at those and discuss.
Oh yeah we never scream. Ever. At all. I just find it completely unacceptable. Yelling is for danger situations or looking for someone at the other end of the house.
I absolutely agree! I am team no screaming.
For what it’s worth, I think your goal here should be “healthy” or “adaptive” conflict rather than “normal.” What’s normal for so many relationships is incredibly dysfunctional, and most don’t last! So using signposts based on other people’s relationships will often lead to a mess.
That said, yes, I think the series of actions you describe sounds about right.
I would elaborate just a bit:
A upsets B
B tells A that he/she is upset, and _why_
A apologizes, and possibly explains him/herself if needed
In these conversations, it sometimes transpires that B is unreasonable for being upset in the first place though, and the apologies might play out differently.
It’s not always that cut and dry. Sometimes it’s Partner A does something that hurts Partner B, B pouts a little bit, goes to A, and tells A they were upset about the thing. (Or B withdraws, and A notices, and says, hey, you seem withdrawn, let’s talk.) A says they are sorry if B was hurt but this is what B meant. A says that doesn’t make it feel better but sees why B did a thing and doesn’t want B to do it again. Three hour conversation ensues, in which both partners compromise, and by the time they go to sleep it’s two in the morning and they’re both exhausted but they feel good about the relationship because going through the process reaffirms that they care deeply about each other and want to make the other happy while remaining true to themselves.
We try to focus less on forgiving each other than on finding the right compromise and solution to a problem, because I think the forgiving is assumed. If there’s something that really needs to be apologized for, where one party knows they were wrong and just acted poorly, that’s different, but most of the time it’s miscommunication or thoughtlessness or different expectations. For us, we don’t keep score, so you don’t have to beg for forgiveness or grovel or “make up for it” in any way, you just have to communicate that you’re sorry and work to do better. If the only real problem is that someone’s feelings are hurt, the other one of us usually tries to make them feel better by doing nice things like making the tea, buying flowers, cooking dinner, or giving a back rub, but we keep our hurt feelings separate from our connection to the relationship. (ie I know my hurt feelings are mine, and he doesn’t owe me anything once we’ve talked it out. If he does nice things to make me feel better, that’s groovy, but I don’t expect them.)
When you start getting in a fight, questions to ask both of yourselves is:
– Am I being a drama llama?
– Assuming good intentions, why did my partner do this thing, and what did they mean by the thing the said?
– Is this a communication, expectation, or mistake problem?
– What is the solution to this problem?
– How do we avoid this in the future?
My partner and I love each other dearly, but we are stuck in this pattern of destructive arguing.
A upsets B.
B loses cool, says something nasty/hurtful to A.
A responds in the same way.
B needs time and space to cool down.
A has panic attack, follows B around the house screaming and crying.
A and B both yell at each other.
B threatens to leave relationship.
A begs B to stay, promises this will never happen again.
Repeat 6 days later.
I have suggested couples therapy, but my partner is convinced we can change this pattern on our own. I just have no idea how.
Ugh this is me and DH as well. I too keep suggesting counseling but he’s opposed to it and thinks we can fix it ourselves. It’s gotten to the point where I’m thankful for a weekend where we’re speaking to each other at the end. No good…
Breaking up would do it. For me this would be a horrible destructive relationship. You’re fighting horribly all the time. This doesn’t sound like two people in love, or even two people who like each other. Couples therapy or move out.
I don’t know if you’re A or B, probably by design, but I’ve done the panic attack thing. . . if you’re A, can you reframe the desire to panic as feeling vulnerable and feeling insecure, then tell B that? It will be a million times more fruitful for BOTH of you than a panic attack.
Or get some individual therapy for your anxiety disorder.
Yes, this. Your situation sounds a lot like ours (I am the anxious one, BF Is terrible at expressing feelings so he either withdraws or explodes), and after the one fight that almost ended our relationship, we are now both in individual therapy + couples therapy. It’s expensive and won’t magically solve all our problems but we are so much better at fighting now (and try and save loaded discussions for therapy sessions, which helps).
SO is the one with the panic attacks. He seems to only get them in this context.
Honestly to me that sounds abusive. He gets “panic attacks” that manifest as following you around the house screaming at you? How convenient for him. And he won’t get therapy? Leave. Protect yourself. Life doesn’t have to be like this.
I’m all for individual counseling, especially if you’d like to do couples counseling but your partner isn’t open to it. If your partner (or mom, or kid, or whoever is on the other side of your frustrating relationship) isn’t interested in changing (and I feel like a “We can figure this out on our own!” response with ZERO game plan is showing no interest in changing) then the only thing we can do is manage how we react and process it.
For a situation like yours, a therapist would help you to feel more self-confident and secure whether or not B stays with you or walks out in a blaze of glory. S/he would give you some coping skills to stop yourself from chasing them around the house. You’ll role play what to say in the next fight, process the previous fights, etc. All good things!
I also think it’s pretty powerful to say calmly to a partner, “I know you aren’t interested in going to therapy, but I’m not okay with the way things are going. I’m going to talk to someone and see what I can do to improve the way I react to our relationship. I’d love to do it with you, but I’m going to go for myself either way.” Then go.
You start with individual therapy. For yourself.
um, what? If you’re not married, just get out. This is a horrifying pattern.
This is a good point. I used to be pretty sensitive about… everything, and constantly upset, but when I started dating my SO things were just easy, and I don’t get hurt by every little thing because I am super confident in his feelings and always assume good intentions. (Two SAisms in one!)
And I agree the pattern described above sounds horrifying.
B needs time and space to cool down.
This is me. It took a couple years of couples therapy for DH to accept that this is legitimate and he needs to leave me alone because no good comes of a conversation when my emotional level is so high. Counselor gave DH techniques to help him relax until I am ready to talk about it again.
I don’t know if these techniques came from the world of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy, but the whole idea of needing space while emotional levels are high sounds very DBT.
OP, DBT may be something you can look into in a situation like yours–it is great for focusing on how you can change your role in this pattern that is playing out (the most helpful way to respond to people who have anxiety issues or “weak boundaries,” as therapists like to say, is often counterintuitive vs. cultural norms). It’s also good to get support for yourself.
While we’re talking about heightened emotions, it could also be an opportunity to assess what the baseline stress levels are like in your lives right now. We tend to be hard on ourselves and underestimate how deeply stressful situations with work, finances, family, etc. can become. It is very hard to keep emotions in check when stress levels are hovering around crisis mode as a matter of course. I’m speaking from experience filtered through the jargon of the therapy we participated in, but that’s how I understood it. (Things are much better now, and I’m glad everyday that I made this investment.)
This awesome COS blouse. 100% wool. Does someone have it? Do I dare to wash it myself? http://www.cosstores.com/fi/Women/Sale/Top_with_back_bow/239674-59284247.1#c-24479-img-2.
Depending on how the back is formed, if it’s ironed or pressed into place the washing will undo that and it’ll lose its shape unless you’ve very good with pressing it back in. I would not risk that. If it’s not pressed, you can probably hand wash, but you want to agitate the garment as little as possible.
Luxury Nanny follow up — I was so touched/bummed to see the posting about the Luxury Nanny on the weekend thread last night. How is it that talented woman with such great STEM cred’s best option is to be a nanny for rich people? High-quality childcare is priceless, and I’m sure you would be awesome for whatever family pursued this but something in the tone made it feel like it wasn’t the first choice. I hope you find what you’re looking for and are happy and make the $$$ you deserve!
I thought the same thing.
Thank you. I am very defeated and its certainly not my first choice. But at least with children there aren’t politics to contend with.
Not sure where you are located but I pay my cleaner in my small city $25/hr so I think you could definitely do $40/hr if you are able to tutor the kids in math/science and teach them to swim as well. My biggest concern would be that families who are paying that kind of money will often expect a lot of availability. As in, they may be looking for you to work 10 hour days, 5 days a week.
What about math/science tutoring + swim teaching while you continue to look for something in your field?
Its not expressly about the money so I wouldn’t want to do those things on the side. Plus doing those things on the side is how I payed for my degree so I know the bureaucracy of public and private pools very well and the parents who like to use the tutor as free child care and ‘forget’ to pick up. I just figured those things would make me an attractive candidate as a high end nanny. The main problem just seems my male dominated field sees women as assistants. I’ve even been to a degree mandatory specific stem discipline interview where the boss laughed when I asked what software the office used because I ‘wouldnt be doing that stuff, you’d be getting coffee and filing’
Where do you live? That bizarre.
Maybe focus on high school/college level tutoring? Then there is no issue with late parents. You could start your own small business. Or tutoring/teaching the specialized software you use?
I exclusively did high-school tutoring. I live in a very blue NE city over a million people.
What field are you in/what are the positions you are applying to? There are a fair amount of women in science and technology here, we could maybe give more targeted advice.
I’m trying not to out myself. I can’t imagine lifeguarding stem ladies are too common. All mid level techincal positions, usually lab based, but occasionally analysis based too.
Is it acceptable to apply to multiple job openings at the same company? I don’t have any contacts at the company, but very much admire the work they do and would only apply to positions I’m genuinely interested in, but don’t want to send the wrong signal to applying to 5 different analyst-type roles. Any thoughts?
I wouldn’t. In my role as a hiring manager, if I saw multiple applications, the act of applying multiple times wouldn’t come across as admiration for us; it would come across as spamming or desperation for a role (best case – it also looks like you’re not paying attention to your applications).
What I’d do instead is apply once, then if you get an interview or find an opening with a contact, say what you’ve said here – you admire the company and if this position doesn’t work, you’d love to apply again if they think your candidacy makes sense.
I’m not the OP but I’m curious – does this apply with large employers too? Or if the roles are in different locations? It seems entirely possible that different people would be looking at resumes for positions A, B, and C. As an applicant, I’d want my resume to get in the hands of the person who has some say over each position I’m applying for. I wouldn’t want to trust that the person hiring for position A is going to read my cover letter closely enough to know to forward my application to the people hiring for positions B and C. Would it be appropriate for OP to call the company to inquire whether the same person handles the applications for all 5 positions?
Does the application have space for a cover letter? I wouldn’t send five separate applications; instead apply to one and in the cover letter state that you admire the company a lot and would be interested in other roles if they think there is another opening that might be a better fit.
Don’t. Just apply to one and indicate interest in other jobs too in a cover letter, and seriously comb your network to find a contact there who can help you get to recruiting where you can explain your interest. Applying to multiple jobs is a crazy flag. Hate to say it but it’s true.
This happens a lot where I work and it’s not a problem when someone is applying/interviewing for multiple roles. I wouldn’t apply to 5; 2-3 at most.
Even at a relatively junior level (2 years out of undergrad), so there’s not as much specialized experience needed? They are all analyst roles, just in different niches of the organization. A good analog would be healthcare – one analyst looks at insurance, another at patient safety, etc. but the educational/professional requirements listed for each only say experience/interest in the overall field.
I appreciate the feedback, but wasn’t sure if looking desperate applied to more junior roles. My thought was that at this level, you cast a broader net in the job search because you’re not as specialized yet and are still looking to gain experience in your chosen field.
Sill applies. You risk looking unfocused, which is not the message you want to send.
+1 and it’s the opposite – if there are several specialized roles that are basically the same but in different departments (i.e. research manager for three different university departments where the work is the same regardless of which area you cover) then it’s okay to apply to all three. But applying to jobs with different titles and totally different responsibilities can come off as unfocused and desperate.
I appreciate the feedback from you all – thanks!
Any plus-size ladies have recommendations for ankle-length pants, or reviews on the Old Navy Pixie ankle pants? I like Old Navy (and Talbot’s) because I am an “in between” size and if the regular women’s line doesn’t work, I can switch to the plus line, but I’m open to other suggestions also.
Never too many shoes...
The Kady fit pant at Eloquii. They are amazing, come in different lengths with a pear-shaped option and start at size 12. They are amazing. Truly.
his untreated anxiety is really ruining our relationship
My SO was carefree when we met. Or so I thought. It turns out that he has major untreated anxiety. It is taxing our relationship. To the point where I feel that I am in a relationship with his anxiety, not him. This morning, we had a 20-minute convo re something that was anxiety-fueled and I spent all of my words saying that Scenario X is unlikely, Y would not be a good solution, etc. It’s like it’s my job to put his fears to bed but he doesn’t ever listen to reason just emotes re Anxiety Provoker off the day. He can’t deal with a world with change, unknowns, and uncertainty. And I am not able to deal with someone who can’t interact with me other than as a recipient of worries about everything. I want to demand that he seek actual therapy (CBT? Meds?) from an actual trained person (social worker? Psychiatrist? Psychologist?). It is all we do lately.
Or break up. I’d tell him that I can’t continue to be his therapist, that I need for him to get treatment. And I’d give him a month (in my head) to do that. And if not bye. I am not here to fix you.
You can certainly demand this. Or break up.
I’ll say, that as the anxious person in my relationship, the answers you gave above won’t calm the anxiety. Have you just asked him what he’s really scared/uncertain about, and really listened? Without trying to fix it or rationalize it?
My anxiety is 99% triggered by unexpressed feelings about _something_. I’ll always default to anxiety first, but it’s my job as the anxious person to try to figure out what triggers it.
Keep that in mind that if he has an anxiety disorder, it will never go away. He may be able to nicely manage it, but it will always be there to some degree. Then decide if that’s a price of admission you want to pay.
+1,000 I have anxiety and it is my responsibility to manage it, whether through therapy, medications, and/or behavior modifications, etc. I am at the point where I manage it pretty well and I also know what to do if it becomes an issue. I do not burden my bf with it other than to make a joke about it here and there. I wouldn’t expect a partner to fix my anxiety for me and you shouldn’t have to do it for your SO.
I know I annoy my partner with my weird anxieties sometimes. Here are a few things we’ve found that have helped…
We had a conversation about what I was looking for from him when I told him about things I was worried about. I wasn’t looking for solutions or a discussion – I just wanted to share my feelings with someone, and get reassurance that I’d be OK. Talking about this was massively helpful because it eliminated a lot of drawn out conversations where he’d try to reason with me, and I’d argue with all his reasoning. Mostly it got replaced with him saying, “I know you worry about these things, but I love you very much, and I’m sure you’ll be able to handle it.”
This also helps serve as a good barometer of how much my partner wants to talk about something. If I say, “I think the cat might be limping but I can’t tell and now I’m worried she’s broken her leg and needs to be put down,” and he responds with something along the lines of, “I’m sorry you’re worried about this; I love you and kitty very much, and I know you’ll call the vet if you think you need to” and makes it pretty clear that the conversation is over, then it’s a good signal to me that oh, this is one of those anxiety issues that I have to work through myself. He has done a good job of establishing a boundary of giving me some support but not letting himself get drawn into being my Anxiety Fixer all the time.
I’ve also been in therapy on and off, which has helped. I don’t think you need to insist on him going to therapy or not; I think you need to insist on having some boundaries to you being Anxiety Fixer. Having those boundaries in place may tax the relationship to the point where it ends, or may make him realize on his own that therapy is necessary. But he needs to decide on his actions/limits and you need to decide on yours.
+1 to your second paragraph. My husband has anxiety and for the longest time I would try to trouble-shoot and problem-solve his concerns, which was not at all what he needed.
What did he need? My husband (of 6 months) has anxiety and I’m pretty sure I’m not dealing with it optimally.
If he’s like me (dx’d anxiety disorder), the anxiety is probably a coping/avoidance mechanism for him. He needs to figure out what’s really upsetting him – it will likely be “adjacent to” the thing he thinks he’s upset about, but not that thing itself. That’s why your partner trying to be rational doesn’t work – he’s not even really anxious about the thing you’re discussing. It’s just that that is an easier target to ruminate over than what’s really upsetting him. The anxiety is probably a coping/avoidance mechanism for him.
As the partner, you can try asking, “What’s really upsetting you?” to prompt him to get out of the false pattern. He probably needs therapy to slow this automatic behavior.
I think it’s going to be a little different for everyone, but my husband really just needs to be listened to and heard out. He does not want my help problem solving, because it isn’t really about whatever the thing is. He also does not want me to call it out for what it is – his anxiety talking. He really just needs to get it all out there and feel listened to.
Break up. IMO this type of “anxiety” is basically someone who never learned normal coping skills. It’s not your job to parent this person, and I would be extremely reluctant to partner with someone who can’t cope with the world at large.
Why wow? That second sentence is absolutely correct. Needing an extreme amount of emotional support is a very reasonable deal breaker.
Why do you feel the need to demean and lash out at others? Especially about things you don’t understand? You should consider why you feel the need to spend your spare time berating people on the internet. There is help out there for you.
LOL. simmer down girl. and then perhaps ask yourself the same question
I agree completely. I had no interest in raising a husband. Sure, I’ll support you while you fix something but you’re an adult already. I’m not teaching you how. Honestly I think anxious people often seem to feel entitled to reassurance, and I’m not interested in providing it so I don’t date them.
This is harsh but true, and in reading it I realize I would feel the same way. I am all for being supportive but I’m not going to coach anyone through the mundane trials and tribulations of daily life. I strongly believe everyone is responsible for their own happiness and someone who has this kind of anxiety problem needs to seek out CBT, drugs, hypnosis, a combination, etc. If my partner isn’t going to take responsibility for solving his own issues, and instead expects me to be his on-call security blanket slash therapist – no thanks.
Anon for this
Are you frustrated right now and exaggerating that it is all anxiety all of the time or is it really always that bad? If it isn’t always that bad, it’s okay to admit you are frustrated when anxiety gets in the way of your plans together but you should also have some sympathy of what he is going through on his end. Anxiety is a disease just like diabetes or migraines. If you had to skip a concert together because he had a migraine and couldn’t go, would you be sympathetic? Would you say “just stop having that migraine?” If you aren’t able to be sympathetic and supportive to someone with anxiety then this is not the relationship for you. For the anxious person, sometimes just saying out loud what’s in your head makes you realize how silly it is and helps you calm down. Sometimes a minor modification can make everything better. Of course you still have to watch out for avoidance behaviors but modifying is like an accommodation. If he gets nervous when you drive, let him drive. If he gets nervous in crowded places, let him have an aisle seat. I get panicky and claustrophobic in crowds. Just having someone I love say “I know you hate being in crowds, here is a hug, thanks for being here with me anyway” I feel SO MUCH BETTER. I’m less worried about saying “I need to move to the back for the rest of this set” at a concert. I’m more willing to try. If instead I’m with someone who will roll their eyes and get angry with me if I want to move our seats because of a panic attack then I’m going to sit there panicking about possibly panicking.
No offense, but if I’m in a relationship, I would like an equal partner, not someone I have to coddle like a 6 year old or to walk on eggshells around because the toddler might have a meltdown on an airplane.
Date someone perfect, then. People have various things that make them “not an equal partner.” Anxiety, physical health conditions where the sick partner, due to zero fault of their own, requires a bit more energy than they give to the non-sick partner, other mental health conditions, past trauma, etc. Partnerships require give and take.
OP, if this is too much give and not enough take, and that’s not something you’re okay with, that’s totally fair- but I agree with others that it’s worth talking to him about when it’s a good moment. If he’s unwilling to recognize or address the anxiety, that’s a problem. If he’s not willing to learn to manage it (and others can help with management- but it’s on the person who’s affected, at the end of the day), that’s also a problem. If he’s not willing to try to figure out ways this works within the partnership, that’s a huge problem. But do try to talk to him about it- I think ck, below, has good ideas.
And yeah, medications/treatment are awesome.
Living with a person who has a serious mental illness that is not well controlled and makes him act like a jerk or requires the other partner to walk on eggshells every moment is not at all the same thing as living with a person with a chronic physical illness. Especially if there are children involved.
Anon for this
I’m the Anonymous at 12:21 and I agree that living with someone with serious mental illness is very different from living with someone who experiences occasional irrational anxiety.
Exactly where I am. Sorry no. I get that you might want me to coddle your anxiety and it’s great there are people to do that but I’m not. Minor little things sure! But I want an equal partnership and I can’t have that with someone whose anxiety management strategy is “modification”. Would I work it out if this came up after marriage? Absolutely. Am I signing up for this life voluntarily? Nope.
I have migraines, and in order for my migraines not to control my life and also adversely affect my husband and child, I have prescription medication I take to manage them, in addition to following some pretty difficult (at times) lifestyle modifications. It’s okay for someone to have a health condition. It’s another thing for that person to take no responsibility for managing or mitigating that condition, and expect another person to deal with it and/or be the solution to the problem. If the OPs boyfriend is in the latter camp, she needs to think seriously about the future. To me, having a problem and taking no action to address is major deal-breaker behavior.
If your anxiety is interfering with your life then you should (continue to?) seek help for it. The concert example is a good one. Watching the concert from the back may seem like a perfectly reasonable way to manage your anxiety… but that’s the anxiety speaking. If this is a work in progress then great! Going to a concert at all is a huge deal! But it is very much a step and not the end of the journey. It can be better than this.
As with most relationship issues, OP has three options. Leave. Stay and accept that nothing will change. Stay trusting his promise that he’s trying to change. If he’s not trying to change, then #3 is off the table.
I would sit down with him, on the weekend, at a relaxing time with nothing planned…. and start the conversation. Ask him if he could just listen…. for a minute. Tell him what you have observed. Tell him you are worried about him, and want to help. And tell him how it is affecting you, and that it is breaking you down and is causing you to question things.
He probably does not realize what he is doing.
This type of anxiety is actually very treatable. Probably a medication for someone who is so out of touch is easiest, honestly. But to start, he should go to see his primary care doctor and say “my anxiety is starting to interfere with my work and my relationship”. Who do you recommend I start seeing for that?” Maybe, you go with him.
It doesn’t matter so much what type of counselor he sees (anxiety is so so so so common, and just make sure they have an interest in that). Help him think about /talk about whether medication or counseling is a way for him to start. Both can work well, but long term he will need additional outlets for his anxiety (ex. exercise, mindfulness ) and he really should have some counseling/guidance.
It is really great to start with a medication and counseling, and then taper down to only one over time.
+1 — life is waaaaaay too short. He sounds incredibly needy, which is going to come out in other ways if it hasn’t already. Good luck OP.
Hello OP–as an anxious person myself, I sympathize. I am wondering though–if he didn’t start out that way, is there something that has precipitated the change? Or was he hiding it to put his best foot forward early on in the relationship? If not and he truly was carefree in the beginning, I think that he may need a little more assistance than just labeling it as untreated anxiety–it could be something as simple as ensuring he isn’t hyperthyroid, for example. And FWIW, I think that people just saying “dump him” are oversimplifying–just the fact that you’re reaching out for help shows that you care and aren’t willing to write him off. I hope things work out for you both!
I have 2 Pomeranians and am considering getting a lighter tan leather couch. Is this a bad idea? Are there different kinds of leather? I’ve never head leather furniture before, and I’m wondering if it’s a bad idea.
I have the Hamilton leather sofa from West Elm in the Sienna color and it hasn’t shown any signs of wear from our dog, and our dog is on it daily. It’s got natural distress marks up close so any wear kind of blends in. The only issue that we’ve had is that my boyfriend wears dark jeans and his spot on the sofa has a light navy tint. But that is a problem completely unrelated to dogs.
I think leather is way more durable than fabric. I have a medium brown leather couch and it’s amazing for my dog.
I have a leather couch because it’s easier to keep clean with dogs. Just wipe it down with leather cleaner or even a damp cloth, and then use a leather conditioner on it every month or two.
As for kinds of leather, yes there are different kinds. https://www.myfurniture.com.sg/101/leather-furniture-types.php
Basically, my advice would be to avoid bonded leather because it’s going to start peeling after a couple of years and isn’t worth it.
It’s become evident that I need a professional headshot, and although I recognize the value of hiring someone to do this, the easiest time/money combo is to have a talented friend with a good camera take it. Any tips on what to wear, where to shoot, etc.?
Depends on what industry you’re in. I’m in engineering and our headshots are against outdoorsy backgrounds (fall foliage, brick wall, etc.). For me, it was in our parking lot against some foliage. The men generally wear polos and the women wear nice sweaters.
My tip is to get an actual professional headshot. It will be miles better than “friend with a good camera”.
I tried the “friend with a good camera” route and we spent an afternoon doing a little photoshoot. It was pretty fun but all of the pictures still looked obviously not professional. I wound up going to a professional a few weeks later and LOVED the pictures.
The biggest issue with the “friend” pictures was that she couldn’t get the background as nicely out of focus as a professional could. If your friend is good enough with the camera to get the depth of field set up nicely, then it may work. Otherwise, consider doing the picture sitting at a desk or in another “professional” setting where it’s OK for the background to be part of the shot. Things like standing in front of a solid color wall will just look like you’re… standing in front of a solid color wall.
Depth of field is something anybody who’s spent more than a few hours with a camera should be able to figure out.
Photography is my hobby, and I’ve taken lots of great headshots of my friends. If your friend doesn’t have access to a studio/lighting equipment, I would suggest doing them outside for the natural light. I always tell my friends to wear something solid colored, generally not white/pastel.
Make sure you pick a friend that:
– has a nice DSLR and knows how to use it
– is comfortable editing photos in Photoshop or Lightroom
– has some experience taking photos of people and can guide you in posing (it’s harder than you think!)
The location actually doesn’t matter much at all because if you use the appropriate lens and camera setting, the background will be blurred. You also have the option to be more creative and choose backgrounds like a red brick wall and have it be part of your headshot as well.
Having a second friend on hand to hold a big white piece of poster board – or a metallic sun shade – so it reflects light onto the shadowed side of your face will also help. Or pick a cloudy day.
Ladies who boat, can you tell me where to get clothes and accessories that are suitable for being on the water? My boyfriend has a boat that we got out this past weekend and I was woefully unprepared for the wind and waves and glare and everything about it. (We met after the season ended last year.)
To be clear, his is a top of the line 23′ fishing boat suitable for limited commercial fishing. The southern girl in me was expecting a relaxed pontoon boat for some day drinking LOL.
Can you ask him where he gets his clothes and accessories?
Wrap around polarized sunglasses will help with the glare. Is there a BassPro near you or an outdoors store? They should carry a selection of quick drying/spf protective clothing. A lightweight hooded sweatshirt or jacket helps. I find that hats are a bit of pain to keep on while the boat is moving at a good speed.
Gail the Goldfish
If I’m on a boat, if it’s not the hottest part of the year, I wear long-sleeve rash guards to prevent sunburn, because the glare is no joke (plus it keeps you a little warmer if it’s windy). If it is the hottest part of the year, I wear short-sleeve rash guards and lather on the sunscreen on the forearms. They also dry quickly if you get soaked by spray. I buy mine from Land’s End. Oh, and cheap sunglasses that I won’t be upset if the accidentally fall in the ocean.
Orvis is the classic shop for this. Basically, though, layer. It is generally 10 degrees colder on the water. In spring and fall, I recommend thermal long underwear under water resistant hiking pants, a tee shirt, a thick fleece pullover, and a waterproof windbreaker. Sunglasses, a hat (any hat, but not one you like a lot as there is a high probability of losing it overboard), a ton of sunscreen. In summer, switch the pants for shorts and as you get hot, peel off the layers. If you guys go deep-sea fishing, bring Dramamine.
I’d recommend looking for a local boating store. You could also check out West Marine, Bass Pro, Columbia, Gander Mountain, etc.
Get some Maui Jim sunglasses (if not in your price range check with a local fishing store about their cheaper options) but definitely polarized and with nose grips) and a set of croakies (they’re expensive and you don’t want to lose them).
I think my comment got eaten but I’d recommend Maui Jim’s for color and clarity (plus polarization and nose grips, hugely important), and a set of croakies so you don’t lose them (they’re just under $300 and worth every penny – Costco carries some models). Or a local boat store with cheapie sunglasses but still…polarized and nose grips. Also rash guards with UV (mine are Athleta) and and LL Bean Boat Tote with a zipper and long straps.
For warmer weather: polarized sunglasses, SPF rashguards (I like Athleta’s half zip), baseball cap, sunscreen, lip balm with sunscreen
For colder weather, add: winter hat/beanie, layering fleece, fleece buff (this changed my life – so warm!!)
If the weather is too hot for a rash guard (I find them to be warm), then there are a number of long sleeved SPF protective options. REI has a bunch and I like Coolibar. I also recommend a sun hat that has a rim all the way around and a tie, not just a baseball cap, if you are sensitive to sun. I personally like Tilley hats – but my head is gargantuan so regular hats don’t fit me.
In cooler weather, think of wind protection as well as warmth.
Ack! I was asked to take photos of my work team because I have a DSLR and knowledge of basic photography principles. But all my photo experience is with landscapes and wildlife – I have very limited experience photographing people. Any tips for headshot photography, specifically getting people comfortable so they have a nice expression on their face? (I’m less worried about technical photo stuff like blurring the background, which I know how to do, but general photo tips welcome too).
Tell whoever is in charge not to be so cheap and hire a professional?
Honestly, it can be difficult to pose people. Google “headshots” and get some ideas of various angles/poses. I also would suggest doing them outside or by a window (for natural lighting, unless you have access to studio lighting). Bring a mirror so your colleagues can fix themselves up before their turn. Don’t be afraid to ask for permission to fix someone’s stray hairs or flipped collar.
iphone 7 plus case
I’m on the hunt for a iphone 7 plus case for my new phone. My old case was a speck, which was sturdy but very utilitarian looking. I have kids who sometimes handle the phone so it needs to be somewhat protective, but I’d like something that is a bit more attractive. Any leads?
Verus designs (google it) has some great cases. I like them because I can keep my key card for work and license in it.
I really liked my Sonix case – it was cute but felt very sturdy.
I spend a lot of time outside watching my kids’ play sports (baseball, soccer, etc.). I am also pale and need to wear a hat. I’ve been told that my golf visor looks super outdated – reminds people of their grandmas. The other hats I have are clearly meant for the beach. Any suggestions? I think a baseball cap might make sense, but I feel like the sides of my face are still exposed to sun, and I feel like they don’t need very feminine, and since I don’t wear my hair in a ponytail, it looks a little weird on my head. Any suggestions or recommendations for this middle-aged (soccer) mom in the ‘burbs?
Unless you want a beachy hat, I would say just suck it up and get a baseball cap. Check out running or golf hats for ladies.
You could also do a sun umbrella or even a small pop-up tent to keep the sun off you.
A dad showed up with a folding camp chair with canopy at our soccer game this weekend and we all were quite jealous. I wouldn’t worry about a hat being too beachy for sitting at a game, although you might be able find a smaller sun/travel hat at an outdoors store.
Look at bucket hats. I wear them hiking. There are some fun color/print options.
Google or Pinterest for soccer mom fashion. If you care about what people think, basically you want a ball cap or a straw hat, and you’ll need to put some effort into your outfit too. (Like how you can look great in a ballcap with a cute top and jeans, but look dumpy if you pair it with ill-fitting yoga pants and a shapeless sweatshirt.)
I don’t care if people think I’m frumpy, esp when it’s a 7am Saturday game, so I am the one with a giant coffee mug and a giant scarf hiding the fact that it’s the same outfit I threw on after work on Friday night, and then got random snot or popcorn or juice on it.
I have a big, floppy strawlike hat. I would look in the beach section – if you’re serious about sun protection you may as well go all the way, and I think it looks nicer than the other options. If you don’t want to wear your beach hat, check outdoor stores. You may look a little dorky, but oh well. I’ve accepted it.
I have this hat …
and really like it. It has an adjustable tie on the inside so it keeps it very secure on windy days, it is wide enough to keep the sun off but stiff enough that it doesn’t flop down into my eyes (I’m looking at you, expensive floppy straw hat)
But I also love my visor. Who cares if your hat is dorky? Sun protection is no laughing matter!
Lifeguard hats: https://www.swimoutlet.com/SearchResults.asp?search=lifeguard%20hat
anon for advice please
Ladies, what do you recommend saying when a job posting asks you to submit salary requirements? Small Chicago firm, associate position, if that makes a difference. I’m confused because the salary I’d want depends on so many factors that I wouldn’t know about at this stage, including health benefits, flex time options, specific expectations for the position, etc. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. (So far I’ve only worked for the government, where salaries are public knowledge.)
For all the reasons you described, I’ve always refused to divulge salary info early. Depending on the format of the initial job application, I’d find some way around actually listing numbers. Ask A Manager has several posting on this issue that I found really helpful when I was applying.
Is it a required field? Try all zeros if the system lets you. If it requires numbers, then put it a huge range. I usually do it as a 100K range – so 0K-100K or 100K-200K, etc.
On the chance it doesn’t let you do a range AND requires a real number, then you’re stuck. I usually put my current + 20K for a promotion, or current +5K for a lateral. (Rounded to 5Ks) There’s no science to why, it’s just what I do.
I hate automated job application systems.
Can I unfriend a coworker on social media?
I typically have a strict no work people on FB policy. I let my guard down with this new coworker and added her. She is in a brand new role that has some overlap with mine, but due to lack of communication/transparency from our leadership, it’s been a bumpy go figuring out where the overlap is and who retains what.
My issue is that her work attitude towards me is awful and draining, and I really just don’t want to foster any kind of friendship with her. Or even let her see my personal stuff.
I would put her on a limited profile so she can’t see anything you post. You can also unfollow her so you don’t have to see her updates, if they’re annoying you. I would not actually unfriend her, as that seems like it’s just going to cause drama. And if she can’t see your stuff and you can’t see her stuff, I don’t see much harm in being officially connected.
I would just adjust the settings so that she doesn’t see any of your posts. I think you can set it so that she will see only public posts. Basically what any member of the public would see. If she asks you about it, you can just say you don’t post much.
There is a “restricted list” – they can only see what you post as “public.” It works very well for these kinds of situations!
Boden Lovers –
I’m about to pull the trigger on my first Boden purchase, based largely on feedback from this site. Question: does the Hampshire pant fit a curvy shape? I have to avoid modern cut pants – I’m full in rear and thigh, with an enviable pair of saddlebags. Normally look for a curvy fit or cut to work best, but don’t see that on the site. Advice?
In-House in Houston
Hi, similar question. I want to buy the 7/8 pants, but not sure of the length. I’m 5’7 and usually wear a size 8. I’m terrible at picking ankle pants. I truly want them to be ankle pants and not cropped/capri. I’m not sure if I should get the regular or tall. Thanks!!
anon a mouse
If you click on the size chart, Boden will actually give you the garment measurements. My suggestion is to measure a pair of pants that you like and look for similar measurements/ratios/inseams on the new pants.
I wish all retailers gave garment measurements.
Thank you to whoever recommended the Eve Embellished Flats from Crocs as an alternative to sneakers/flats. I bought the last one of my size from 6pm for $29 are the PERFECT travel shoe, bendy and stashable (and machine washable!) but totally chic and way better than any folable ballet flats or sneaker/slip on.
Anxiety Temp Check
Recent posts about anxiety have made me wonder …
I’m not typically an anxious person (depression is really more my jam) but I do get (very) nervous about my daughter in certain situations and my husband usually teases me about it (in a light-hearted and loving way). It makes me wonder if I am over-reacting or if he is just insufficiently concerned about the many dangers that could result in her kidnapping or death! (Joking. Sort of.)
For context, my daughter is 8. She’s very bright, very responsible and well-behaved. However, she lacks a little common sense (apples don’t fall far from the tree!) so she’s not exactly the kid who could figure out how to survive in the forest for 3 days.
She also has epilepsy, which was diagnosed last year and is driving most of my fear. It’s very mild and under control with medication but as a growing kid, there’s always a chance that she could have a seizure because she’s outgrown the current dosage. I’m not afraid of the seizures themselves, more about the consequences her having one at a really inopportune moment … hanging upside down from the monkey bars, jumping off her bed, etc. The first time I saw her have one, it was terrifying. I thought she was going to die. She turned blue! Of course, she was never in any real danger and I keep telling myself that, but I am still terrified that she will die.
We live in a big city but on a very quiet, safe street. We’re very close to all of our neighbors. My husband picks me up from the train station at night – it’s about 15 minutes, round trip. I do not like him to leave our daughter at home alone for this. I am not worried about someone breaking in or her accidentally burning down the house. I’m worried about her having a seizure or there being an earthquake. Is this reasonable? Should I let her stay at home by herself?
I will only let her go to the ladies’ room by herself at a restaurant if I can see the entrance to the restroom from where I am sitting. If she takes too long, I get anxious. Yes, I am worried about someone abducting her or hassling her in the bathroom while she’s by herself. I know, it’s ridiculous! I am also worried about her not being able to unlock the stall or some other mishap. Although I suppose she’s small enough that she’d just crawl under the door. I know that both of these scenarios are unlikely, but it still panics me. Am I being too protective?
For some of the other stuff – yes – re bathrooms, earthquakes (do you live in an earthquake prone area)? But for the rest of it – no. She’s gotten a rather new medical diagnosis and I could see not wanting her to be alone at the house for even 15 min. On that front though – can you meet with her doctor and ask these questions (without her there so as not to scare her)? Or if they won’t entertain it bc it’s “mild” or they act like you’re a paranoid mom – if you’re seeking treatment thru a children’s hospital, there are “child life” specialists who can talk you through this stuff and they are more like social workers so they are used to these issues more than MDs.
can she wear a helmet while she is home alone? it might be good for her to have some more independence from you, even if she has to wear the helmet.
for the bathroom, I think you just need to get over that. does she have a phone? maybe having a phone with her would assuage some of your fears.
It sounds like you have had a very scary situation, epilepsy, and are struggling to find the right balance in parenting a child with a serious medical condition. Perhaps reading some books about parenting a child with epilepsy might be helpful? Nothing specific to recommend unfortunately.
If the house is locked securely/alarm on, I would be fine with the 15 minute drive. She is old enough to call 911 in an emergency and it is unlikely that she would have a seizure in the few minutes that she is alone. Is she asleep or is she wake? If awake, what if your DH chatted with her via speaker phone from the car while he is driving to get you and you can chat with her on the way back? A good way to talk about her day at school etc.
For the bathroom, I think it’s fine to let her go on her own and then check up on her if it’s taking longer. To get a sense of how long it should take, pay attention when she goes to the bathroom at home. A public washroom probably takes a few minutes longer, but not much.
I agree with all of the above.
I grew up with a parent who has epilepsy (both convulsive and absence seizures). They are well controlled by medication and I had a lot of discussions growing up about what happens during a seizure, if/how they get hurt during a seizure, what should I do if my parent has a seizure in my presence, etc. I remember my parent talking about how they couldn’t scuba or sky dive because seizures could end poorly in those scenarios, but that otherwise, their doctor told them to live their life. I second the suggestion of spending some time getting more information about how to navigate this new normal. Also, have some ground rules for your child for when you leave her alone in the house (no cooking, no baths, that sort of thing) until you are more confident in the diagnosis and medication. Make sure she has easily accessible contact methods for you.
A certain amount of anxiety is just a normal part of being a human (and I imagine even more so being a parent!). It doesn’t all require therapy or medication. Is it affecting your life or the lives of your daughter and husband, and if so how much? It does sound like maybe your husband thinks it’s a little much, but is it a level he’s willing to deal with?
Have you thought about looking into a seizure response dog for her? It might give you some peace to know that she has a companion that can act as an alert for you if she’s in another room, or activate an alarm, etc.
Is she eligible for a ‘seizure dog?”