Corporette.com

Updated: Oct 31, 2018 127 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Open Front Bolero

Coffee Break |

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Cropped Cardigan / Shrug: Eliza J Open Front BoleroIf you haven't tried a shrug cardigan over your sheath dresses, this $34 one from Eliza J looks like a great starter cardigan. The shrug/bolero/cropped cardigan is better in many ways because it's lighter and more fitted — a perfect topper over sleeveless dresses if a blazer feels too formal and a regular cardigan feels too dowdy. Eliza J Open Front Bolero A very similar (possibly identical) style is available from Eliza J in plus sizes 1X-3X. Psst: check out our recent guide to the 7 kinds of cardigans you should own for the office! (L-3)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Anonymous

    Has anyone been to ME Cancun resort? Family wants to go there on vacation, and the reviews on TripAdvisor and Yelp are very mixed. It’s pretty cheap, so I’m ok with kind of a budget experience and I would expect food at an all-inclusive resort to be like cruise food (edible but not great), but there are a lot of complaints online about loud partying all night, and that would put a real damper on the vacation, since we’re not party people and the whole point of the trip is relaxation.

    • Anonymous

      I have not, but I had a fabulous time at an all-inclusive I booked through Costco Travel in 2009 – Moon Palace Resorts. Highly recommend it, lot of great food and alcohol included.

    • JJ

      We went to the ME about 7 or 8 years ago. It’s definitely a party-focused hotel and not a relaxation-focused hotel. My husband and I joked that we weren’t cool enough to stay there. The food and drinks were fine, but the lobby had house music, the party pool was so loud that you could hear it at the non-party pool, and it was pretty loud all hours of the night. All of that is great if you’re looking for that kind of vacation, but we weren’t.

      For all inclusives, Sun Palace (adults only) and Moon Palace (families welcome) are awesome all-inclusive resorts in Cancun. We stay at the Westin Lagunamar every time we go (a lot…it’s close to where we live and we like the beach). We’ve also stayed at the Omni and it’s a great hotel, as well.

      • JJ

        And to your point – all the all-inclusive food I’ve had is just like you describe: fine but not great. I’ve never had amazing food from an all-inclusive resort.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks JJ, very helpful! Sun Palace looks amazing but unfortunately the family coordinating this trip has decided on ME. Sounds like maybe it’s best we don’t go, since ME does not seem up our alley at all.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been there 3 times (with girlfriends) and had a great time – it’s definitely more party than relaxing, but the pools and rooms are great. We had a blast renting a cabana at the adult pool.

      If you’re looking more relaxing, I’ve also been to Aqua and loved it. They had multiple yoga classes a day and a great spa. Food was similar with both of them.

  2. KT

    Oh no–is the shrug/bolero insanity back? Flashback to 2004 and my college days :)

    • Anonymous

      This doesn’t strike me as a work look. Church, brunch, maybe evening (with sparkles), but not work.

    • Anonymous2

      I think that this bolero makes the model look like she’s 15 and going to Easter/Passover Dinner. Plus anyone who’s well-endowed would look awful (or at least I’m raising my hand that I would look awful) as it even looks too small on the model. I do have a few short cardigans and one bolero-ish (no buttons, short) but this just looks weird.

      • Idea

        I’m glad you said that. I was going to post that as a warning – I am NOT esp. well-endowed (at the time a B/C) and I wore a bolero to my 07 grad school graduation and my mom commented that my bust looked huge (thanks mom). It was a brown solid-color v-neck dress and a white bolero with puff sleeves.

    • Anonymous

      also is a “starter cardigan” a thing? i’ve heard of a starter house or a starter mutual fund, but do we really need a delicate entree into wearing a shrunken sweater?

      • hoola hoopa

        LOL, I completely missed that!

        Hehe, just like our starter home was about half the size of our long-term home, this starter sweater is half of a real sweater.

  3. Anonymous

    It’s March break this week and lots of people are off or on vacation so we are really short staffed here and are scrambling to have everything covered. Today a first year had to appear in court for a very minor matter. The judge wouldn’t allow her to appear because of her attire; a blazer with cut-outs in the back and a short shiny gold and silver dress. She didn’t understand why her outfit was inappropriate. Court was first thing in the morning so she didn’t come to the office first. It’s only Monday and I’m feel like it’s going to be a really long week.

    • Ellen

      Yay! Coffee Break! I love Coffee Break and this Cardigan–but it would not work for me in court. Speaking of which, the OP is addressing a peculiarity of the court–the ability of judges to tell people what to wear, and what NOT to wear, in front of the bench. The HIVE should know that judge’s have ABSOLUTE authority to requuire those who practice law in front of them, to wear what the COURT deem’s proper, and even though we may think what we are wearing is proper, it is the PROVINCE OF THE BENCH to make this determination, and what they say Goes. FOOEY b/c I would wear a cardigan like this to court, but I KNOW that the Judge would NOT approve of it, so I don’t.

      The OTHER thing to keep in mind is that you want the judge NOT to listen to carfully to what you are saying, so that if you wear stuff he like’s, you probabley will WIN your case. My track record is so good in Manhattan b/c I ONLEY wear what the Judge likes, as VETTED first with the manageing partner. We figure if we keep the judge happy, we all win, and we do! YAY b/c the cleint wins, yay b/c we get paid, and the judge win’s b/c he gets me to wear ONLEY the thing’s that win cases! TRIPEL YAY!

    • Anonymous

      I feel really sorry for that first year. A LOT of people failed her along the way.

      • anon associate

        I’m convinced that there are some who just. wont. get. it.

        One of my law school classmates showed up (45 minutes late) to a board meeting during which we were presenting, wearing body glitter. And I know it wasn’t left over from the night before because we were all at a social function ’till late together and she wasn’t wearing any.

        This was not out of her normal range of outfit choices.

        • Anonymous

          I had a classmate who was on Law Review who showed up to a law firm reception after interviews wearing a cloche hat with a flower on it and a Little House on the Prairie-type dress.

          Dressing up: check

          is probably how she was thinking?

        • Idea

          You know how people are like, “sorry I was late, but traffic…”
          I hope she was like, “Sorry I was late, but the body glitter…”

          so. great. How do people like that get to have meetings with board people and I don’t?

    • Anonymous

      Someone showed up at a JOB INTERVIEW this week at my office in chinos, a tank top, and a cardigan. We’re a nonprofit and our workplace is very casual, but still. (She got the job, though.)

      • 2 Cents

        Hey, at least it wasn’t something skin-tight or revealing! Yeah, she was too dressed down, but it could have been so.much.worse. :P

      • Anonymous

        This rankles me, too. Just because we are a non-profit doesn’t mean you shouldnt take this seriously. This is a real job, not a volunteer position. We interviewed a candidate for an attorney position who wore an only slightly dressier getup. It did not work in her favor and despite her great credentials “something” seemed off (I say it was the outfit, but my colleagues wouldn’t cop to it).

  4. Girls on the Run

    Has anyone been involved with them as a coach or assistant coach? My daughters’ school has more demand than coaches and has instituted a lottery. And how do you get to jump the queue? You sign up to coach (2x week, practices are 3:30-4:15) or assist. [I’m not opposed to this — if anyone stepped forward, 10-15 other girls would benefit who wouldn’t have had a coached event to sign up for anyway). Not really work-friendly, but I’d try to look into trying to job-share with this (or hire a college student, b/c outsourcing).

    • Anonymous

      I’ve wanted to do it, but as you mention, the practice schedule is not work-friendly. The only person I know who’s done it was one of my college roommates, and even she had to drop out the following semester when her class schedule changed.

      • Girls on the Run

        This is why I’d like to step back at work. 2x 2/3 days a week + late nights to make it up should be do-able (esp. if I can step it back to once a week).

    • cbackson

      I did it and did not love the program, tbh. I felt like it was so focused on being non-competitive that there wasn’t even gentle pushing girls to see what they were capable of. As in, if they wanted to walk during the run, we were told not to even encourage them to try running a little bit. It felt sort of patronizing, like they were too fragile to even asked to think about what they might be able to achieve.

      But I bet it’s very location-specific.

      • Girls on the Run

        Do you have a running background? Or is it more adults who are decently athletic and interested in providing this activity to girls?

        [FWIW, I would encourage running, but I’m a positive enforcement kind of girl. It’s like the Suzuki saying, “good! now can you do much better?”]

        • cbackson

          I do have a running background. I was actually a bit of a child running prodigy and grew up in a fairly high-pressure sports environment, so I’m very sensitive to issues around pushing children too hard in sports…but this felt so far to the non-pressure end that it didn’t even plant the seed that, hey, maybe you *can* run a mile!

      • Em

        One thing that I wish I had been exposed to as a non-athletic child is something like a Couchto5k program where you run for progressively greater intervals. All I ever heard was “just run!” and “run faster!” and didn’t realize what a difference starting it slow and stepping it up would be. I wonder if anyone is doing that with kids now.

        • Atlanta Mom

          The Atlanta Track Club has a great program called Kilometer Kids.
          Over the course of a semester, the kids run a marathon (so, say, 2 miles/week at about 3 practices/week). It’s great for my son’s public elementary school. I’m sure it’s easily sponsorable and implementable wherever you are.

        • anon

          +1 I didn’t even realize I liked to exercise/work out until I was an adult.
          In school, PE used to basically = competitive sports, so I hated it.
          IOW, yes, something like Couch to 5K might have been more interesting to me. Speaking of which, I should maybe think about doing that again…

    • anon

      I’ve been an assistant coach twice and am now involved in the behind-the-scenes stuff of our chapter (volunteer recruitment, fundraiser planning, etc.) I was at a two different schools, and both were Sunday afternoon practices – I didn’t attend the weekday practice due to my work schedule. Could they split the team at your daughter’s school into two teams and stagger the practice times? Also, I have seen a model of co-head coaches, where you would only be responsible for half of the practices.

      I recommend reaching out to your local council director and seeing what ideas they have. I am sure they have some suggestions on making it work.

  5. anon

    I’m 29 (30 next month) and for the last few months I’ve just been feeling old. I think I take pretty good care of my skin, but I’m wondering if going to a dermatologist who specializes in cosmetic stuff would be useful?

    For reference, I wash my face twice a day (with a salicylic acid cream wash, sometimes with a glycolic acid wash), use an spf 20 oil-free moisturizer in the morning, use an anti-acne/anti-aging serum from skinceuticals a few times a week in the morning (pre-moisturizer), and a moisturizer at night (I alternate between a regular nighttime moisturizer and one with retinol). I also started using the m-61 power glow peel wipes 2-3 times a week at night.

    I’ve never had a big issue with under-eye circles, but they’re beginning. I had mild/moderate acne as a teen/in college, which is now basically gone and I don’t really have scars but the pores on either side of my nose (under my eyes, but not all the way out on my cheeks) seem large. Is there some secret I’m missing? Should I get preemptive botox? Professional peels? Or just a new outlook?

    • Zelda

      Other than undereye circles, are there any issues that you’re trying to address? Or are you just wondering if you need to update your routine? It looks pretty good. If you want to take it to the next level (in terms of anti-aging), I’d increase the SPF on your moisturizer (maybe with a physical ss instead of chemical), switch to a prescription retinol and add a vitamin c serum (not all at once). Those three ingredients have the most research to back their effectiveness.

      In order to do this, you might have to switch to a gentler cleanser. I highly recommend the neutrogena gentle cleanser (foaming or creamy formula).

      • anon

        thanks Zelda.. any recs for a higher SPF that’s physical instead of chemical?

        • Zelda

          I love Coola mineral face spf 30 matte tint. It has a slight mattifying effect on my combination skin and the slight tint isn’t visible on skin but helps eliminate the white tint that many physical sunscreens have.

    • JJ

      I have a similar routine for my face. For what it’s worth, the biggest improvement in my skin is when I spend a few minutes (5-10) in the steam room at my gym after I work out. For me, nothing makes my pores appear smaller and my skin more radiant for the next day.

    • Anonymous

      I’m 35. As a teen and in college, I had mild acne that I could keep under control with products. I kept using those products into my 30s without question bc I had just gotten into the habit and they had been so vital at one point in time. BUT as I aged, they were too harsh and dying for my skin – it took me years to realize it though. I’d consider if maybe you’ve outgrown your products? – skin does change over time. Good concealer is hard to find – try a lot before you buy. I use “erase paste” but that’s just what works for me.

  6. Avery

    Cheers to my Uber driver this morning, who had a son leave biglaw for an amazing government job, for reminding me to listen to my intuition and follow my bliss and that I don’t have to work 250-300 hour months in biglaw forever. It is funny, and so nice, when you get spot-on advice (that you maybe weren’t even sure you needed to hear) from unexpected places.

    • anan

      Can others who have made this transition please share their stories? I am contemplating making this change, because after 4 years, I have found that biglaw is just not for me, but I am nervous about taking the steps to transition, because change! ah!

      • Anonymous

        I was in biglaw for 5 years and left to join the government. One of the best things I did was utilize the network at my law firm. And by network, I mean, speak to the partners who were involved in government in past lives about what I wanted to do.* I also applied to tons of jobs; it felt like I was sending out applications weekly (if not daily). I worked with certain partners on interview prep, which was awkward but also good.

        *This is very much a know-your-firm thing, but the partners at my old firm wanted to help associates transition to what it was they wanted to do. Not in a “kumbaya, let’s help associates realize their true passion” kind of way, but in a “our business model doesn’t support making all of these associates partners, and these associates may wind up somewhere down the line where they can be a client and we want their business, so this makes sense to us” kind of way. Plus they trumpet these types of connections to clients.

    • Zelda

      Yesterday my pastor said “Resist the paralysis of analysis” and it really spoke to me. Like many of us on this board, I am prone to overthinking decisions, sometimes to my detriment. Sometimes you just have to weigh the options and then jump!

    • lost academic

      I do. We installed one a few weeks ago. Some thoughts:

      1) We thought you could change the ring sound, and you cannot.
      2) The motion sensor is very sensitive the way we have it set right now – it can get people parking in front of our house or walking by in some cases.
      3) It is really fantastic to see when packages come/mail is delivered/etc. The audio for talking to someone at the door from a remote location is excellent as are the images on my phone.

    • Ring User

      We just bought one two weeks ago. It is nice to be able to see who is at the door, though the motion sensor is very sensitive and even on the lowest setting, tends to go off when a large vehicle drives by (our front porch overlooks a main road). You won’t hear the doorbell go off if your phone is on silent/not with you, though you can buy a separate accessory called a Chime. I like having it be “silent” since our dog would go nuts when the doorbell rang.

  8. MIA airport hotel question

    (Apologies if this comes through multiple times. I keep getting caught in a weird refresh situation.)

    Does anyone have a solid rec for a hotel serving the Miami airport? I need to arrange a block of rooms for a large group (~50-100 people) for one night this summer. Prefer to keep costs as close to $100/night as possible (definitely below $150/night) without sacrificing too much in cleanliness and comfort. No conference services necessary, but free airport shuttle and free breakfast would be a big plus.

    • Anonymous

      So I have stayed at the actual MIA hotel that is connected to the terminal and it’s really pretty nice. Most convenient thing ever.

  9. Rosita

    Please tell me about that dress in the photo!! I love it!

    (Don’t love the bolero.)

    • Duchess

      I loved it too and just did a lot of investigation (more than I care to admit…) and found that it looks like it was from Eliza J’s Spring or Summer 2015 collection. I wasn’t able to find it on Nordstrom’s website (presumably since it’s older) nor on Eliza J’s. So I think it’s a no go. I did find a Vince Camuto and an Adrianna Papell alternative. Both are navy and white stripes. I like the faux pockets on the AP one, but I’m not crazy about the neckline. And the VC one is lovely, but a more formal fabric….

      • In the Pink

        You might check ama!on as they carry that brand. As an hourglass figure, I find they always fit me well.

      • Rebecca

        Haha, I just went looking for it, too! Couldn’t find it on the Nordstrom site, but searched for dresses by Eliza J and saw some similar styles. Nothing quite that cute, though!

      • Anonymous

        You know, I tried this dress on at Nordstroms and it was just not that cute. Was pretty disappointed.

  10. Overwhelmed

    First of all, bolero, no.

    Second … I just need reassurance today. I’m a mid/senior level corporate associate in a mid-law firm. I’m doing well here (good evaluations, they are putting me on firm committees, etc.), and I like the firm and my coworkers, but I’ve finally admitted to myself that I want to move back to the east coast. My family is there, plus the east coast just feels like home to me. Husband is supportive and on-board. I’ve just started the job search, and I alternate between excited and terrified. Terrified both because I’d be giving up a really good job (where I’ve established my reputation and am proceeding nicely on the partner track), and because finding a job, finding husband a job, selling a house, buying a new house, moving, etc. is such a huge thing. I know I’m not reinventing the wheel – if you have relocated starting from scratch, please let me know that it is possible for it to work out ok. Also, if you have left a good job for other opportunities, do you feel guilty? Of course, this is all assuming I’ll find a job! Thanks in advance.

    • Anonymous

      We did this, minus the part about selling a house. Husband is in academia and got a tenure track job in the Midwest when we were living in California. We were very happy, both because his job is at a great school and because we both have a lot of family in the Midwest. I got and accepted a job at a firm in the same city before we moved. We got lucky with house-hunting (we made one trip and made an offer on one house, which was accepted), but I think you could easily live in a rental for a year to give yourself time to house hunt thoroughly. We hired movers to pack and move everything so the move itself was insanely easy (your job may reimburse you for this, but even if it doesn’t, it sounds like you can afford it). We renovated our new house on a three month timetable before moving in, which was stressful but it worked out and I love the redesigned house. I do think we got kind of lucky with how smoothly everything worked out, but there are success stories! And we are so, so happy to be back where we grew up and near our families. I don’t think you’ll regret it!

      • Overwhelmed

        Thank you! And I’m glad your transition went so well, and is working out as you had hoped!

  11. Wording Help

    My husband recently experienced a medical emergency. A coworker/friend organized a cash collection from coworkers for my family. I obtained the list of names and want to send out a thank you email. I’m wondering about wording, specifically two items regarding our personal finances:
    (a) My husband will be out of work for 8 weeks. He will not receive pay for any of that time (he has no sick pay, etc). Should I mention this?
    (b) The total raised coincidentally is exactly the same as what we paid for a recliner that was needed for his at-home recovery. We purchased it before I even knew of the fundraising. Should I mention this?

    Most of all, I thoroughly appreciate the compassion and flexibility shown by my teams and company. I will certainly mention that.

    • Anon

      Why would you mention that your husband won’t be paid for 8 weeks? Are you asking for more money?

    • Anonymous

      I think thanking them for their generosity and kindness is sufficient without going into detail. “Your gift will help us immensely as [husband] recovers.”

      • Anonymous

        Second this. I’m sure you don’t intend it this way, but mentioning the 8 weeks unpaid does come across as “we need more money.” Saying you bought a new recliner – even if it’s only/primarily to help with husband’s recovery, also sounds a little odd to me, like you went out furniture shopping with your windfall. Again, I know this isn’t the case, but a recliner isn’t a medical device, so there’s definitely post-recovery benefit there too.

    • mascot

      So, the traditional thank you note convention I learned for monetary gifts (think weddings, birthdays, etc) was to name the item that you planned to buy with the money.
      I don’t think that convention applies here, certainly not to the specifics of replacing his paycheck for a period of time or buying some medical equipment. “We appreciate the compassion and flexibility shown by so many of you and your incredible generosity has been helpful for medical expenses.” Something along those lines.

    • Wildkitten

      Thank you all *so much* for your contributions to the GoFundMe for our family during this medical emergency – it means more to us than you could ever know. It has been a roller coaster for us, and we appreciate being part of such a generous community. The Hospital has told DH he will need at least two months of dedicated recovery, so we appreciate your thoughts and continued patience during this season. Always, Wording Help

      Or something like that.

    • OP

      Thank you all! It seemed out of place to me, too, but I didn’t know if I was supposed to make it work somehow. Like mascot mentioned, I was always taught to say what I’d do with a monetary gift. It seems icky and weird to say it here.

      I will keep it short and sweet – and vague.

  12. Ugh moderation

    I’m stuck in moderation again for no apparent reason. If there was any real rhyme or reason to the process, that would be one thing, but I didn’t reference any of the usual suspects and my post will probably be approved after everyone else has logged off for the day. This is getting really, really frustrating since it happens so frequently now.

    • Wildkitten

      I’m always in moderation and choosing to believe its because my mere presence is a spicy as conversations about cigarettes or s_x (which also trigger moderation).

      • Meg March

        Wildki++en, I wonder if the filter was changed from e++e to just ++e (which would catch your name), although that would be frustrating, given how much people already complained about the e++e

        • Anonymous

          I’ve had posts end up in moderation for using “s!t” when previously “s!te” was the trigger, so I think this is a strong possibility.

          • CatsGoneWild

            Nope. That didn’t work. It puts anything I say in moderation, even if I change my name.

          • Anonymous

            Based on your IP- Kat thinks you were trolling at some point so you get stuck there for a while (probably from a time when you were switching around user names)

          • Wildkitten

            Nope. Just me.

            There was another user trolling under my name once. Maybe that was the flag? If so, I appreciate the flagging, but she should see that my current IP is fine.

            Someone else mentioned the same thing. I think we all appreciate moderation – to stop spam etc. But I think we are also frustrated when we are put in moderation (not just me) and don’t get a response as to why.

          • Wildkitten

            Maybe it’s when I was making my not-especially funnny “Wildkittenbot” joke. I will stop that one.

  13. Home Reno

    What analysis/gut check do you perform before renovating part of your home APART from “does this add value?” The project in question would add value, so that’s not the issue. It’s more of a cash flow/are we saving enough before said renovation takes place question. We have about 2.5x the renovation cost in cash on hand and are saving about 38% (liquid + 401k) of take-home pay this year. If we didn’t do this renovation and just pocketed the cash, we’d save 44% this year. My (usually conservative) gut tells me this is plenty and to just do it, but I’m trigger shy when it comes to spending money.

    No kids, no debt other than a mortgage and super low/insignificant car loans. I’ve never renovated before (this is our first house) so I’m excited to do it because it would definitely increase our quality of living (updating a house from the 1960s!) but also want to be financially responsible.

    • Anonymous

      I consider myself pretty frugal and financially responsible and would definitely do the renovation in your situation.

    • Wildkitten

      You’re being financially responsible. Some questions are – do you want to do it? Do you want to do it *now*? Is it something (like a kitchen renovation) that adds the most value the closer it is to when you’d sell?

    • CHJ

      It sounds like you’re in a fine financial position to do a renovation, so I’d say go for it now, before you have kids. (Babies + renovations = stress. Ask me how I know…)

      That said, you sound like a financially conservative person, and renovations can be very stressful money-wise. It’s not even about being able to afford the renovation, but rather the constant discovery of new issues that jack up the cost. Discovering rot under the floor, wiring not up to code, undetected leaks no one knew about, etc. There is a lot of “AND HOW MUCH IS THAT GOING TO COST?” that comes along during a big project. For your own peace of mind, I would get several quotes for the work and then mentally add another 50% to account for that. The project will probably come in under that mental estimate, but if you overestimate the cost it won’t feel as stressful when yet another $5,000 problem arises.

      • hoola hoopa

        Such a good point. I usually double it, actually. That helps me with all the tangential costs (like more meals out), although we’ve had projects swell to double our original estimate in cost and time.

      • Anonymous

        I think it depends on a lot of factors including your contractor and how old your house is. Our kitchen remodel came in under budget. If a project cost twice what was initially quoted (barring some huge unforseen thing in the house) I would be furious with the contractor.

        • OP

          Thanks, all! I hear everyone on the expectations of budget v. reality, also. Actively working to pin down more pricing and I won’t move forward until I have numerous quotes.

          I think the hesitation is derived from having depleted liquid savings (so, exclusive of retirement savings – which are solid but not at blockbuster levels) to $20k, give or take, when we bought the house a year ago. Liquid savings have been building back up, much to the credit of my year-end bonus received in January, but the balance is still not nearly as high as one might expect given my high salary level. A large part of me feels like I should rebuild it to the pre-down payment level before doing anything major. But, I think I’m coming to recognize that our savings rate is high enough (and sustainable even post reno) that we are probably in a good spot to pull the trigger.

          That, and every day that passes that I have to look at the wood paneling and orange carpet is one less day on my life…..

        • KittyKat

          If a house is old or was previously owned by a DIYer then chances are there are lots of things to be fixed. Big issues are uninsulated wires, 2x2s instead of 2x4s, rotting subfloor, no or poor insulation, asbestos, lead pipes, etc. No contractor can just ignore these huge health and safety violations to save money. It sucks for homeowners because they are expensive problems to fix, but they really must be fixed. If a wall is being opened up expect problems.

  14. Home Reno

    FWIW, we also have no immediate plans to sell. We’ll be in the house another 5+ years and I can’t imagine we’d sell without doing this project. So it’s really a matter of should we do it now, in a year, or in two years (when there might also be kids in the picture).

    • Diana Barry

      DO IT NOW. You have plenty of cash. Don’t wait to renovate until you have kids. We were under the gun to get our first home project done before our first child came along – not something I would recommend!

      • hoola hoopa

        +1000 Home renovations become infinitely more complicated, painful, and expensive once you have kids in the picture.

        And it sounds like you’re doing it for the right reasons and with healthy finances. I’m financially conservative and see no reason why I wouldn’t.

      • anon

        +1. We renovated the bedrooms and hallway of our house while I was pregnant. It really wasn’t even a huge renovation, but it required moving all of our furniture out of those two rooms and setting our bed up in our living room. DH was working 7 days a week at the time, and I was pregnant, so that required me getting friends and my mother-in-law to help move stuff. I was due on May 24, and I gave our contractor a hard deadline of April 17 because I had a feeling the baby might be born early. And then, about a week after we started renovations, I was placed on bed rest, so I spent the entire month sitting in bed while our contractor (fortunately, also a family friend) was at our house. He finished (mostly) on April 17, my parents came up the next day and helped move furniture and set up the baby’s room. They finished the crib on the 22nd, and our baby was born April 23.

        Long story short, something that’s already pretty stressful and complicated was way more stressful and complicated when I was pregnant. And I’m sure with a baby it would be impossible. So, if you have the money and don’t want to look at ugly anymore, renovate now!

  15. Anonymous

    Did you change your W-4 allowances when you bought a house? Last year was the first full year I’ve owned my house and I was shocked by how high my refund is now. I really don’t want to give the government a huge interest-free loan. I’ll plug my numbers in the IRS’s calculator when I get home, but I’m just wondering what others have done. Thanks all!

    • Anonymous

      No, but I should. Mortgage interest deduction + about $50k less income than last year because of unpaid parental leave means we are expecting a $10k refund. I’m happy to have the money coming back, but I would rather just have it in my account all along.

      • OP

        Oh man, that would make me ragey. Yes, extra money in my pocket now, woohoo! Fancy wine for me! But the thought of giving the federal government a significant interest free loan when they charged me 8.5% for my student loans makes me see red.

        • Anonymous

          Really? It would make you ragey?

          If it is sitting in the bank…. zero interest…. or even better…. you might have spent it! Now you can throw a big chunk all at once at your loans or your retirement.

          • tesyaa

            Exactly. Since interest rates are basically nonexistent, I’m happy to give the IRS an interest free loan (within reason) as a means of forced savings.

  16. Anon

    With so many therapy ladies here, have any of you dealt with anxious attachment?

    I’m divorced and have been dating someone for 6 months. When I started behaving in some deeply insecure ways that I hadn’t seen since college and that I seemed to have no control over, I thought I must have some divorce baggage and sought therapy. No, actually, it’s anxious attachment! It’s me to a T.

    I’ve been in therapy for 2 months now and making great progress, but I’m wondering how I reframe my existing relationship that started in such an insecure place for me. I almost don’t trust myself not to devolve into an emotional mess around him. At this point, I’m basically faking it til I make it – lots of reasoning with myself and telling myself I’m ok.

    For those of you who’ve been dealing with this longer than I, how do you make relationships work? Have you completely conquered your need for reassurance or did you find a partner who provides enough that you’re ok?

    Basically, any insight from people further down the road than I am would be great :)

    • anon

      I’ve been with my bf for about 3 years. We took a 6 week “break” (he broke up with me, then we got back together) about a year ago. Now we’re in a fantastic place and will be engaged soon.

      I also suffer from anxious attachment and it has destroyed a prior relationship. What has worked is making sure bf is aware of this, plus the fact that he is willing to offer a lot of (but not unlimited) reassurance. Also, if I am feeling insecure, instead of letting it build up and becoming passive aggressive, I try to tell him calmly that I’m feeling insecure and why. Then he tries to not dismiss what I’m saying (even if it’s cray, which sometimes it is) and give some reassurance. But he does not react well to passive aggressiveness, so that’s something I’ve really had to cut out for the health of our relationship. So far, so good. but there are always some bumps in the road.

    • Senior Attorney

      My therapist doesn’t use the term “anxious attachment,” but I think it fits me. I am about 18 months into my relationship (post-divorce, like you), and it took a very long time for me to stop feeling anxious and like he was going to disappear. I also mostly faked it til I maked it (with the help of weekly therapy sessions), although maybe twice when I was feeling insecure over something specific I asked for and got reassurance from Gentleman Friend.

      And generally, he is just lovely and positive and affirming and once I realized he was all that for realsies (after maybe a year of nothing but lovely positive affirmation), it seemed silly to continue to be insecure.

      • OP

        What you talk about with Gentleman Friend is something I’m struggling with.

        My ex-H was always affirming and positive, so that’s why I hadn’t seen these issues in eons: ex-H was supportive and I wasn’t insecure.

        But New Guy isn’t affirming and positive. He’s the taciturn law enforcement type. There are rarely compliments or encouragement. It feels like I’m still in the early dating stages where I’m deciphering every text: “whew, ok, there’s a kiss emoji, all is well!” He JUST started calling me “sweetheart” last week. I actually still take notes: “Thursday: he mentioned wanting to go to the beach together for Memorial Day – he’s making long-term plans – do not panic!” It’s just his style to not be overly affectionate or flowery, which I think makes this extra hard.

        So I’m really struggling with the desire to “fix” myself and “get over it” vs asking myself if this guy actually meets my needs. He’s not in a hurry about anything, so I almost want to “train” myself to get over this by sticking it out with him…but I’m not sure if he’s genuinely not meeting my needs or if I’m just nutty.

        • anooooooooooooooon

          OMG so I just posted a longer response but if it helps, you are not nutty, you are 1000000% not alone, I have literally kept a log of things like that- “he’s making long term plans- do not panic.”

        • Senior Attorney

          Honestly, this was me at first, right down to the “he’s making long-term plans — do not panic!” and “just started calling me sweetheart last week.” Although Gentleman Friend is lovely, he is not a feelings-talker at all, and in reading this thread I am realizing I have trained myself to see “lovely and positive and affirming” in things other than just so many words.

          One of the best things that happened early in our relationship was when (after a bottle or so of wine) I asked Gentleman Friend, “Do you always not talk about feelings, or is it just with me?” And he said “I let my actions speak for me.” And I believed him, and I kept looking at his actions, and taking my reassurance and affirmation from them.

          In a perfect world he would be a feelings-talker, but it turns out if you can hang in there and not panic at the lack of all the words, there are other ways to be loved and cherished.

          On the other hand, you’re totally entitled to want what you want. And if you really require the words all the time there’s no shame in admitting it to yourself.

          • Anonymous

            My boyfriend is this, to a T. We’ve been together 2.5 years, and I spent a significant amount of time the first year or so totally convinced that he wasn’t in love with me (even though he said it first, and demonstrated it constantly by his actions). My previous relationship was a trainwreck, and I am a feelings talker while he is decidedly not. I once fell into a very insecure habit of asking him to “say something nice to me,” until he kindly pointed out that he wants his actions to show how he feels about me and he felt like I was invalidating all of his effort by demanding verbal acknowledgement all the time. I was hurting his feelings. He was right, and I now get immense satisfaction from noting when he is making a conscious effort to SHOW his love instead of tell me about it.

    • Anonymous

      You need to remind yourself that with or without this guy, you will be OK. This is the only way to deal w this issue

      • OP

        The crazy thing is that I know I’ll be fine without him. I hadn’t even expected to meet anyone and had been excited about the future I crafted for myself. I can still picture a great future without him.

        But now because he’s such the stoic type, I get turned inside out trying to decide how he feels about me, if he’s interested in me long-term, if I’m what he’s looking for, etc, etc. It’s very much a “DO YOU LIKE ME?!” thing. Woof.

        • Senior Attorney

          OMG for the longest time I wrestled with not even knowing whether I was really interested in this guy or whether I was using the frequency of his calls as a referendum on how “okay” I was as a human being! It was exhausting but I’m glad I hung in there and I’m especially glad the craziness is mostly over.

        • Jen

          This is the HARDEST thing–wrestling with a rational brain that knows exactly what you SHOULD do to take yourself out of the spiral of anxiety and insecurity, but nonetheless being unable to actually follow what your brain tells you. I struggled with this so much in my last relationship, and I have not figured out the solution yet. If anyone knows it (other than, of course, therapy and time), please do let us know…

    • anooooooooooooooon

      Brene Brown.

      I have a similar issue in relationships- I hoard and analyze objective evidence that the guy I’m dating likes me. Having a treasure trove of data points that I am liked (ie, fast text response times, number of nights spent with me, meeting mothers, meeting friends, saying sweet things, et al) is the only way that I can counteract, logically, the fear that I will get left, suddenly. Guess what? That strategy doesn’t work. There is simply no amount of objective evidence that can ever truly soothe you. And what happens when you go 5 hours without a text response (or whatever?) you take that instantly as data that’s bad, rather than, well, just a lag in response time, which dramatically heightens anxiety. And even worse, it leads you to avoid taking steps that might produce a negative data point (example: you’re afraid he will say no if you ask him to go on a vacation with you, and that will say something bad about your relationship, so you don’t ask). But hey, it was my brain’s way of trying to answer a problem with logic and reason.

      So according to my therapist apparently the only answer is vulnerability and courage and connection. Stop data collecting. Ask for what you need. Don’t avoid the hard stuff out of fear of losing the relationship. Along with that, recognizing when your insecure brain is telling you thinks so that you can learn to subdue and manage those thoughts for what they are…… just thoughts.

      • Senior Attorney

        Yes to all of this. And an analogy Dr. Shrink I use that has been very helpful is “the ball behind the sofa.”

        You know how when babies are very small, they don’t have any concept of object permanence? So if they are playing with a ball and it rolls behind the sofa out of view, they’ll cry and cry because they think the ball has ceased to exist. Well, that was me with relationship confidence. I’d be feeling good about it and then Gentleman Friend would get busy and I wouldn’t hear from him for a day or so, and the metaphorical ball would be behind the metaphorical sofa and I’d be convinced that he was ghosting me. Took a lot of therapy and a lot of patience and courage and vulnerability to trust that the ball still existed even when I couldn’t see it.

    • OP

      Thanks, everyone! I really appreciate your comments :) Tuesday is my shrink day – lots to talk about as always :)

  17. Talkspace

    Has anyone used it or a competitor site that you would recommend? Or has anyone done therapy strictly over the phone? I started therapy last year and chose someone outside of my small town. While I like my therapist, her hours and location are just not convenient for me. I do not want to use someone local for work-related reasons.

  18. Branding

    Given that all of you are high achievers, what would you say is your personal brand? If you were to describe yourself in 3 words, what would they be and how do you ensure that you reflect them in your day to day activities?

Back to Top

About

Work with Corporette®

Serious Stuff

work fashion blog press mentions