Tuesday’s Workwear Report: ‘Dyressa’ Stretch Wool Blend Sheath Dress
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Sales of note for 2/7/25:
- Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
- Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
- Boden – 15% off new season styles
- Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
- J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
- Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- My workload is vastly exceeding my capability — what should I do?
- Why is there generational resentment regarding housing? (See also)
- What colors should I wear with a deep green sweater dress?
- How do you celebrate milestone birthdays?
- How do you account for one-time expenses in your monthly budget?
- If I'm just starting to feel sick from the flu, do I want Tamilfu?
- when to toss old clothes of a different size
- a list of political actions to take right now
- ways to increase your intelligence
- what to wear when getting sworn in as a judge (congrats, reader!)
- how to break into teaching as a second career
I want to buy a large silk scarf – think, large enough to use as a shawl or fold up to be a travel pillow or a thin blanket. Where can I go to get something that doesn’t break the bank? I’m in the UK, but I travel to the US reasonably often so shipping isn’t an issue.
John Lewis, to start. A very large real silk scarf is not going to be cheap though.
They never seem to do the size I want! It’s always the little air hostess type scarves. I’m happy to pay for it, just not sure where the best place to look is.
I don’t know if this meets your needs, but Nordstrom has a cashmere and silk wrap that is $98. I have their linen scarves/wraps and one of the tissue weight wool and I really like them. They come in lots of colors: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/nordstrom-cashmere-silk-wrap/3173548?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=PURPLE+FEMININE&resultback=500
The Nordstrom $98 ones have been a closet staple of mine for years. Love them.
I bought one of those and I found the fabric snagged really badly and it was unraveling. I returned it.
same. it was so bad. never again.
I got a gorgeous Becksondergaard scarf for less than £20 in TK Maxx a couple of months ago. So check that out.
Maybe Uniqlo too?
(I’m a regular commenter and my name autofilled).
I’d recommend looking on Etsy. I’ve bought large (36″ x 36″ or so) silk scarves from Etsy sellers for around $100, plus there are some really cool designs out there.
Eric Bompard does lots of large scarves: http://www.eric-bompard.com/en/142-cashmere-square-scarves.
How do you answer the typical first interview question, “Tell me about yourself.” Do you summarize your resume (i.e. I have been in x field for y years, specializing in…), or do you go a bit more biographical (i.e. I’m originally from state A but moved her to state B last year…). I feel like this question could really set the tone and wonder what your strategies are.
FWIW when interviewing people (I haven’t interviewed for a long time), I like them to go into their resume first and leave the biographical stuff for later in the interview, UNLESS they are a left-field candidate (their address is somewhere else, etc. – then I want to know how/why they’re coming to our city). This is in law, BTW, in other industries it might be different.
I keep it around my career, for example:
“I’m a seasoned X professional with over X years of experience. I specialize in the areas of X and X. For most of my career, I’ve been focused on X work, but I’m looking for an opportunity where I can implement my X skills and bring X to the company.
This ^^
You give a brief background to highlight your career to date, describe a memorable skillset, highlight areas of opportunity and how you can add value
I’m a bit of a left field candidate – I didn’t go to law school until my 30s – so I take a couple minutes to explain what I was doing before. I also explain how I ended up in my nichiest of nichey law fields – one that has no correlation to my prior career. This all takes no more than 4 minutes.
Usually this is when I would give my elevator pitch, a brief summary of my qualifications, experience and why I want the job.
This is definitely the time to give your elevator pitch.
Threadjack, anyone know of any companies that send fun care packages? I have a sick friend who I would like to send something to but flowers and groceries are already covered. TIA!
Couldn’t you build your own with Amazon? Or maybe Etsy has some coordinated ones?
Zingermans!
I echo Zimgerman’s and I also suggest Birchbox – they do “special edition” boxes which might be fun. (And they are shipped right away.) Possibly other subscription services do the same but BB is the only one I use.
So I’ve decided I need to break up with my boyfriend of just under 2 years. He’s great and I will miss him, but I know it’s not right. I need someone who is a better cheerleader and supporter and who has less traditional views. The thing is, I could easily see this dragging on because it’s not terrible and we do have good times together. How do I work up the nerve to end it sooner rather than later? I’m of course worried about being alone, figuring out what the single social life looks like again, and I will definitely miss his presence in my life. Can I get a pep talk here???
Do. It. You deserve a lot more in life than “it’s not terrible”!!!! Pick a day and time to break up in a public place ( last time I broke up with a guy it was at a quiet Sunday brunch) so it will lessen the chance of him creating a scene. Do not let him talk you into giving it ‘one more try’ (man speak for I want to delay this breakup for until I find a new girlfriend and then dump you unceremoniously). Make sure you have a way of getting home without counting on him for a ride (better yet offer to meet him at the dump site instead of him picking you up for the date by citing some personal errands you have to run beforehand). Tell friends or relations that you are close to the time and date that this is going down so that they can offer support by phone or in person, as needed. Remember, better things are coming around the corner!!
This is all great advice. I’d also add – pick something about your life that is going to change for the better after the breakup (and I’m not talking the intangible, I’m talking “Now I can have a bowl of ice cream for dinner while watching Dance Moms on Thursday nights” or “Now I can move to that neighborhood I love that b/f refused” or “Now I can get that kitten b/f would’ve been allergic to”) and think about it when you start slipping into feeling reluctant to end it. It can be hard to get excited about a generic “my life will be better” when things are already basically fine, but it’ll be much easier if you have specific, tangible things that will change for the better in mind.
+1 It’s hard to pull the bandaid off, but I always feel better afterwards in this type of situation. As KKH said, try to think of things that will change for the better. For me it was, not having to awkwardly schedule my runs around when my BF was available to talk/FT, having time to take up painting, having the alone time I need to recharge, not having to pick up my life and move to a new state, not having to give up a job I like, it was a free Saturday to do as I like without having to plan around an 8 hr FT date, being able to make plans with my friends without having to check in with someone, not having to worry about causing a fight if I was speaking to or hanging out with a male friend, not having to worry about causing a fight if I posted a pic of myself on Facebook, etc.
I may sound selfish, but these are things I want to be able to do in my life right now and wasn’t able to while in my last relationship.
8-hour FT date? What is that?
We were long-distance so we had standing FaceTime dates on Saturdays.
For 8 hours? What do you do in front of a screen for 8 hours? I feel like I have just escaped from a cult, but maybe I am misunderstanding something. What if you have to pee?
I’m sorry, but assuming this guy is nice and not abusive, breaking up in a public place seems really cruel and unnecessary. You should do it at his house so that when it’s over you can leave and he’s in his own space.
Agreed. I think it’s cruel and inappropriate. He gets to be upset.
Agreed.
Agreed.
Yeah when I was 23 and thoughtless I broke up with my (really sweet) live-in boyfriend at a fancy steakhouse and he cried into his steak. Definitely something I wish I could do over.
(I mean I wish I could do over breaking up with him in public, not breaking up with him period, in case that wasn’t clear. Breaking up with him was definitely the right decision!)
I could have written this many years ago, and I did end up dragging it out, although it wasn’t intentional. Just do it, be resolute, and make sure you can cut him off when necessary. I felt so bad for his pain and his need for an explanation that I let things escalate until he showed up creeping around my backyard before I put my foot down on how much he could ask for explanations or otherwise engage me (and my still raw feelings). (He wasn’t the crazy stalker type before, so that was definitely a surprise) When I was finally free of all that, it felt really good. Just do it, and know that when you finally get through to the other side, things will be great.
You like this person?
Then do him the favor of not wasting his time. Don’t have another good time with him knowing all along that you’ve got a foot out the door. That’s really using him and fundamentally unkind. Don’t be that person to him.
You both deserve an honest relationship, even if that means ending it so that you can move on to the next one.
Completely agree with this. I recently had a boyfriend (of a much shorter time period) break up with me seemingly out of nowhere. As we talked, it became obvious that he had been feeling this way for some time, unbeknownst to me. That made the breakup even harder on me. I would have much preferred that he had broken up with me when he first knew that his feelings had changed, instead of letting me continue to plan a potential future together that he already knew wasn’t going to happen.
For the sake of your boyfriend, do it quickly, cleanly and kindly.
Do it for him. I mean for you, too, but if you’re wavering or worried about hurting him, it’s better to do it sooner rather than later and let him move on and find someone who’s a better fit. I had one boyfriend who broke up with me, and I’ve always been grateful to him for doing it quickly and cleanly. It showed deep respect for me.
I did this way back with my first boyfriend in university. The situation was similar, he was nice and all, but longterm, I couldn’t see him as the father of my children. I let a relatively small annoyance be the breaking point. I had finished a difficult semester in university, wanted to celebrate it with a long weekend trip our first grown-up holiday. He didn’t want to go. I let my dissapointed feelings take over the reins. He didn’t want to commit to taking the next step in our relationship. This wasn’t going to work longterm. Goodbye.
I think he also didn’t see me as ‘the one’, so he was not too heartbroken. Didn’t really make a scene, it was very civil.
Do it. You deserve someone who makes you say, “F%#$ yes!” rather than “It’s ok, I guess.” So does he. Your partner should be someone who makes your life immeasurably better, who’s your biggest cheerleader, who thinks you can do anything and whose views you can reconcile yourself with long term (even if you don’t agree on anything).
This is the hard part – I probably am still having some doubts on whether the breakup is the right decision.
If it was the right guy, you would never even think of breaking up. It’s the right call. Sign me “always the one to say wait for the f-yea guy”.
I disagree. I broke up with my husband — for 20 min — then we got back together. We got engaged two months later and I’m thankful every day that we didn’t break up. But I have a lot of commitment issues. It’s just not a blanket thing. For some people what you say is true. For others, not so much.
I tried to break up with a boyfriend after about 18 months together. I gave him another chance. I knew I shouldn’t have but he cried and swore everything would be different. I broke up with him again a year later – same result. I took me another 2 years (so all in I was with him for 4 years when I knew after 1 year I wanted out) to break up with him. He was nice but he wasn’t right for me. I regret that I stayed with him for so long for so many reasons. It took me a lot to build up the strength to get out. I’m so thankful I did and I eventually met my wonderful husband, who even when we fought, we knew we’d never break up. If you are having these doubts, then there is a reason. Find your inner strength and do what is best for you. If in 2 months you miss him, you can deal with it then, but right now, it seems like this is what you want. So I give you all the anonymous internet support I can!!! FWIW one of my favorite things to do after we broke up was buy soda (this may out me). He didn’t believe in paying for soda, and I love Diet Coke. I’d go to a movie and buy a $6 soda and LOVE EVERY SIP. Just an example.
This is awesome. I am all about buying the giant tub of movie popcorn. With “butter.”
All great advice above (except I agree breaking up in public is cruel and unusual).
I’d just add that your job is to convey the information that you are breaking up with him, and it’s final. You don’t have to convince him that your reasons are good ones, you don’t have to get him to agree that it’s a good idea, you don’t have to (actually, you can’t) keep him from being hurt. You just have to tell him it’s over, kindly but clearly.
Good luck!
So what I do, what I always do, is go back. The only thing that’s ever prevented me from doing so was write down exactly why I wanted to break up and I’ve made myself read that letter every time I’ve wanted to and it’s helped a lot with the last break up (and I haven’t gone back!). My exes are all great, nice guys but I just didn’t connect with them. I started to wonder if I am not into men or I had unreasonable expectations but no. It sucks being in this situation for me I think because the guys in all of the relationships I’ve been in would have just settled to be roommates without a lot in common or spark. So, I had to be the one.
Read your letter or tell a friend the reasons and if your friend agrees (and your reasons aren’t commitment related like the poster above, etc.) I think you just have to set a hard date.
Listen to Dan Savage. He’s especially an advocate of breaking up now and not waiting and making it worse.
I do a lot of event work so spend lots of time sprinting in a suit and heels. I’m constantly in search of shoes that won’t make me break my neck or have swollen feet.
I just bought Payless wedges and omg they’re amazing! They look just like my Cole Haan Air Tali wedges, but are more comfy and supportive. I wore them for 14 hours yesterday and was just fine all day. I never would have thought about Payless, but I gave the Karmen a try after everyone here raved about them and found the wedges. They’re super cute and so comfy.
Second, I’ve mentioned here before my love of the Louise et Cie Azalya mini-wedge flats for cocktail wear/dressier flats. They have an almond toe, bow detail, come in fun colors and are amazing comfortable. Nordstrom Rack is now carrying them–they were $120, now down to $52.
Thanks! I’m in politics and spend much time sprinting haha and don’t love flats, so I’ll look into these!
Really considering the leopard print ones. What does one wear calf-hair leopard-print shoes with?
Everything. Leopard is a neutral in my closet.
I had a pair of flats that were exactly that color and wore them with everything in my winter wardrobe. I miss those shoes…
Everything. Navy dresses, black dresses, red, blue, jeans and tee, ankle pants and blazer. I’m always amazed how often I wear mine
Any solid colour. Can’t bring myself to mix patterns though.
Can you wear leopard print shoes with a dress that is a different print, or does it only “go” with solids?
I definitely love to mix patterns. I think it works especially well if there is some kind of consistency across the outfit. Like maybe a navy blue dress with a subtle white stripe, a white blazer, and the leopard shoes. I probably wouldn’t do, like, a busy floral pattern with leopard print shoes.
this is me! My work shoe collection used to be entirely cole haan. as they’ve worn out i’ve been replacing them with the payless heels and I LOVE them. And they’re so much cheaper. I actually really like the selection of flats as well and now I feel zero guilt after tossing a pair when they get gross from accidentally walking in the rain or something.
Boss dresses are THE BEST, bar none.
What is so good about them? I’ve had other wool, lined dresses that I got tailored to fit perfectly. All in, it was still less than this. I’m honestly curious, esp. since Boss doesn’t seem to line wool pants. The jackets are pretty though (and I like this light gray color for the jacket). I just don’t quite get what the price gets you.
My morning sickness is a greasy all day nausea. Really unpleasant and nothing I’m doing seems to work. It’s seriously interfering with work. Help please?
Morning sickness is so gross. A few things helped me: don’t let yourself get too hungry even if eating seems awful (saltines really helped. Such a cliche, but it worked), citrus (could not get enough OJ), and on occasion, ginger chews (Chimes brand, you can find it on Amazon).
Ugh, sounds like what I had! The only thing that helped for me were sea bands (I found an inconspicuous plastic brand on Amazon and wore long sleeves). I didn’t expect these to work at all but they were great!
Call your doctor. She can prescribe safe medications that may not cure the morning sickness but can at least take the edge off. Zofran is a miracle. Do eat small snacks often, whatever seems least unappealing to you at the moment. Also experiment with your liquids. During my 9-month battle with hyperemesis, I found that I could only drink ice-cold carbonated water or hot decaffeinated tea, and not with food. Still water, juice, soda, Gatorade, and all other beverages made me vomit.
This is so funny (well, not funny, but you know) – l could only tolerate room temperature water, which is not something I ever liked before or since.
And I agree. I powered through with my accu pressure bands but if those hadn’t taken the edge off, I totally would have gone for an Rx.
To say the least, the jury is out on the safety of Zofran. Shows the harm of seeking medical advice on the internet.
Well, except that poster said “Call your doctor” not “Buy Zofran in a back alley.”
LOL
Also remember that when evaluating the safety of a drug in pregnancy, the counterfactual is NOT “perfectly healthy pregnancy in which the mother did not take the drug” or “all other pregnancies in which the mothers did not take the drug.” The counterfactual is “pregnancy with the complication in question, in which the mother did not take the drug.”
+1. I started Zofran after 3-4 days of not keeping anything, including water, down. My counterfactual was severe dehydration, and my doctor told me the goal was to avoid needing IV fluids (but to go to urgent care if I did). Talk to your doctor, but weigh the benefits and risks of the possible solution and the real counterfactual. Actually, this applied to my anti-anxiety medication after the baby was born too.
Second the Zofran / Rx suggestion, obviously, see your OB (disclaimer apparently required because some anon poster thinks we want you to just go get some and take without doc supervision). You can also do a Unisom + B6 at night. There are also other anti-nausea meds out there, Diclegis is one, FDA approved for pregnancy in 2013.
I was so, so sick for my entire pregnancy. Ginger ale / Ginger beer helped if I could stand the taste, so did fruity sodas (think Izzys) and peppermint tea. And gourmet gummy bears (not sure what that was about).
Good luck!
I had all day, nine month “morning” sickness. It was miserable. I lost weight pregnant. But, my baby was more than 8 pounds and healthy!
A few tips:
– don’t let your stomach get completely empty. Find what works, and munch. I pretty much lived on saltines and pears.
– talk to your doctor about your vitamins. Mine told me the vitamins made me puke more (which was true), which was worse than not taking them and keeping food down. So, I didn’t take prenatals (just limited specific vitamins, although at this time, I can’t remember what I still took – maybe folic), which made me puke less. TALK TO YOUR DR THOUGH!
– sea bands. I don’t think they helped me, but I wore them religiously and some people swear by them.
– sniff fresh ginger. just keep it around and give it a sniff when you’re feeling terrible
– keep puke bags with you at all times, depending on how bad you are. I can’t tell you how many times I pulled over and puked in my car into a puke bag on the side of the road.
– talk to your dr about medication. I ended up in the ER a few times, dehydrated and I took anti-nausea medicine three times in addition to the ER visits. There’s a balance between risk (real or perceived – I was pregnant several years ago so talk to your dr about the current info) of taking the meds versus fainting and complete dehydration
– sip on whatever works- warm water, gingerale, etc. – whatever you can keep down
– try those ginger candies
Sympathy. Sounds like what I had and, not to be a Debbie downer, but nothing helped but reaching week 14 or so. You can do it.
Sympathy. I’m at 22 weeks and still getting nauseous after I eat. It was about 20 weeks when I stopped feeling all day nausea. I also lost a bunch of weight. Sea bands did not help, eating regularly did not help, no tricks offered to me helped. I don’t say this to be doom and gloom, but hoping it might help you to not beat yourself up if nothing helps. I was feeling oddly guilty about the fact that I couldn’t feel better. And I hated that it was affecting my work. I am hoping, hoping you will feel better soon!
The things that worked best for me for my all day morning sickness were vitamin B6 and Jolly Rancher hard candies. The B6 is a water soluble vitamin, so harder to overdose on, and something about sucking on the hard, sweet and sour candies did wonders for my tummy. In addition to the other advice given here.
Hang in there!
Sucking on lemon drops constantly, sipping lemon herbal tea, sniffing fresh lemon slices or other lemon-flavored stuff helped quell my nausea when I had all-day nausea. Same effect that ginger has for some people. I feel for you!
Simple carbs helped me. Bagels were super helpful. The saltines made me feel even sicker. I took my vitamins at night after eating food – that helped me sleep through the vitamin nausea. And lemonade with real sugar seemed to help.
It’s wretched. Good luck. I empathize.
Things that helped me: eating some protein (Luna protein bars), going outside and getting fresh air, not looking at a screen. Scrolling down a screen was especially bad, so try printing things out to review if you can, and not reading stuff on your phone if you can avoid it. I ate a lot of bagels with cream cheese too.
Funnily the women I know who took zofran are all doctors.
Call your doctor.
I sucked it up during my pregnancy with my son and tried every single non-drug option. I just gritted my teeth and hoped it would get better. At 24 weeks, after 16 straight weeks of puking my guts out, I ended up in the hospital for several months for complications of dehydration and on multiple medications to keep me pregnant.
Moral of the story: there are many things worse than taking nausea medication after consulting with your doctor. I’m taking Diclegis this time, and although I still suffer from nausea/vomiting, it’s no longer all-consuming and I’m drinking enough liquids to stay healthy.
I know a few people mentioned this above, but please consider talking to your doctor about Diclegis (which is basically a combo of B6 and Unisom). As others noted, it was approved by the FDA in 2013 and has been approved in Canada for many years. It has been a game-changer for me! I feel like a brand-new person since I started talking it. I will note – my insurance wouldn’t cover it without pre-authorization and I’ve heard others say their insurance wouldn’t cover it at all. It is really expensive (~$450 a month for me), but absolutely worth the price. Also, check with your doctor to see if they have samples — My doctor has given me over a month of samples which really helped put a dent in the cost.
I have an interview for an in-house position. I’m not sure I would take it if offered. It would be a big pay cut from my law firm salary and I’m the primary breadwinner. We could swing it but I’m trying to figure out if it’s worth it. I’m a senior associate with very slim partnership prospects (no book of business). The commute would be way better but that can’t be reason enough. I guess I’m trying to figure out if it’s better to leave the firm now if I have the option or wait until a better paying exit option comes along – if it ever does.
Would the commute being better mean that you need less childcare? Get more family/free time? Do you want to go in-house or do you just want to leave your current firm? I think it’s worth at least exploring the options and then you can consider the total compensation package if you get an offer.
What are your finances like?
What is your timeline for looking based on your partnership prospects?
Remember, 99% of the world raises a family on much less than a Big Law salary. If your finances can swing it, (and if they can’t, time to start modifying your lifestyle….) keep an open mind and remember that many of our career changes happen when least expected.
And never underestimate the value of a shorter commute. Nothing is more valuable than time.
Shorter commute and potentially less time working. Not all in house jobs are perfect, but freeing myself from worrying about billing and hour and business development and originations has been the the best part of in house life. I probably “work” the same hours, but I have substantially less non-billable crap that takes up my time.
Absolutely. A significantly better commute can be reason enough. Also, my understanding — and I’m sure others will correct me if I’m wrong — is that in-house salaries start lower than biglaw but do improve significantly.
They go up, but they generally go up slower than Big Law, so the salary gap between Big Law and in-house will only widen as you get more senior.
Put the financials aside a bit – do you want to be a firm lawyer, or do you ultimately want to be an in-house lawyer? Both are perfectly reasonable paths – even for lawyer-moms. I hate that everyone holds up in-house as a holy grail, when it may not be for everyone. Or in every company. If you are someone who wants to be in-house, then see if you can make the financials work given the cut – would additional time (either from a shorter commute, or shorter hours (which is not always the case), or both) mean you could cut some childcare expenses or stop farming out certain things (house cleaning, yard mowing, etc.) to make the reduction seem less drastic?
A minor issue in the grand scheme of things but advice (or suck it up, cupcake) very welcome. My parents have this weird (and fairly recent habit) of updating me on everyone’s pregnancies or new babies. Some are people I know, some are colleagues and it’s all fairly random (she’s only 11 weeks and already crib shopping, she’s so tiny you can’t even tell she’s pregnant from behind, they are really hoping for a girl). A mix of skype and email, ie. this post was triggered by email from my dad about a girl I went to high school with.
I’m not sure how to handle it. I think they suspect we’re TTC and as a result, they have babies on the brain but jeez. They are heavy on the random updates anyways and I know they don’t intend it but it feels a bit like pressure (and makes me a bit jealous). If these updates were accompanied by pictures of cute babies, that might be different, somehow? It’s just these random smatterings of details about people I don’t know.
For a bit of context, we have a great relationship despite the distance (I live 7000 miles away) but telling them that something bothers me definitely becomes a bit of a drama, which I suspect is related to the difficulties of reading tone and body language via video and email.
And after writing that out and hitting post comment, I’ve realised I should suck it up, cupcake. They love me, they love my husband, they are excited about the prospect of someday babies and it gives them something to talk about (they don’t quite understand what I do so don’t tend to ask about my work).
You’re a good person. If it helps at all, I’d be annoyed as well.
Yeah. I don’t really know how you’d tell them to stop without sounding petty and/or revealing more than you want to. But my mom is similar in terms of updates of people that I either don’t know and/or used to know and can barely remember. So I feel you. It’s annoying, but I suck it up because it’s my mom!
My mom does that too. She still lives in the town I grew up in. She likes to call and say, “Oh, John Doe came in to work today, do you remember him? He works at the Verizon next to the Grocery Store now.” and I’m usually just like ……….uh okay? These are never people I was friends with, and frankly I could not be more glad I got out of dodge and am not working at the Verizon.
Whatever floats her boat, though.
You said it before I could. To add, if you’re at an age where you’re TTC, they are probably at an age where their friends’ kids and random people they know because you went to school with them are having babies so it is something for them to talk about. And if they are not sure about your plans, it may be their subtle way of leaving the door open to a conversation. When my mom started to suspect that we were planning to have a baby she started bringing up all sorts of baby things inc. random stories about whose kid had trouble conceiving and what they did about it as, I think, her way of saying “would you like to talk about this with me?”
This is a really great note. My mom REALLY wanted to talk with me about starting a family and I am just more of a private person I guess. But you’re right, the hints and announcements really boiled down to her opening a door for me . That’s really sweet! Almost makes me want another child so I can talk to her about it this time.
Here’s where I would call in interference. Do you have a sister or aunt or cousin you could tell about the problem and ask to drop your parents a hint? I’m imagining my sister saying something to my mom like, “it must be so hard for Cb to hear all this news about other people’s pregnancies. I know she’s happy for them but it also stings since they’re TTC. I’m going to lay off all the news for a bit in case she’s feeling sensitive.” I’m usually one for being direct, but I hear you about distance making it hard to read tone and not wanting to wreck or wrench a good relationship with your parents. It probably didnt even occur to your parents that this might be sensitive!
Nah. It doesn’t even sound like she is upset. Just annoyed. Suck it up cupcake.
Well as someone who struggled to conceive, I can imagine annoyance now growing into pain later. If it ever starts to feel painful, definitely say something (if not directly). They likely have no idea how it affects you and would be horrified to know it was causing you pain. So, I can get on board with the Suck it up, Cupcake advice for now, but know that you don’t have to sit with that forever.
For sure. And it doesn’t have to be super direct. I said to my mom recently, “I hope Aunt so-and-so is ok planning this bridal shower while going through divorce. I know it’s not the same, but I could not handle planning a baby shower with what we are going through.” Sensitivity raised on multiple fronts. Win!
That’s fantastic advice, sadly no sisters and my aunt has been massively baby crazy (harassing my cousin and his wife about babies for years) so I think my parents are quite proud of their restraint. We have some local friends who recently announced and I think I might tell my mom a bit of a fib about being a bit sensitive about it.
Jeez, between my supervisor telling me not to have a baby and my parents with these weird hints…
There’s no really good balance I think. Counter-point : Between my mom not feeling old enough to be a grandparent and our parents not wanting to pressure us, we got a lot of comments about taking our time, it’s totally cool to decide not to have kids, etc. To the point that I sometimes wondered if they were trying to tell us we wouldn’t be good parents. Once they found out we were expecting, they were all thrilled and admitted they had really been looking forward to it, but hadn’t wanted to interfere. It’s a hard balance. But, if it is bothering you, ask them to ease up.
+1 except my mom was less than psyched and super hormonal me took it really hard. It’s still annoying, but you sound like such a lovely close family. So maybe not suck it up, but try to see the positive big picture. Thinking good thoughts about a baby for you in the near future!
Can you not ask them to stop? I’m confused.
My mom got into a bad habit of telling me every.tiny.detail about her neighbors’ lives (“So John’s niece Rebecca is moving to Saskatchewan because she’s pregnant with Mike’s baby, but she’s still in love with Jonathan and Jonathan is really better for her.” “Huh? Mom, who ARE these people?”) and I asked her to stop. I don’t know these people. I’ve never met them and likely never will.
I think it’s perfectly ok with your parents to ask them to direct the conversation elsewhere.
My mother does this all the time. I just zone out. It’s important to her, and it doesn’t kill me to let her go on. If what she was saying was somehow hurtful, I’d ask her to stop, but I just deal.
I guess I’d let her go on, but SHE hasn’t met them either. It’s the neighbor telling her about their family. It’s just weird to me. I want to hear how my mom is doing, how her civic activities are going, not about the lives of strangers she’s never met.
And my mom has a bad habit of trying to be everyone’s savior, so I get very wary when she tells me stories like this, because give it a month, and Rebecca’s going to give up on Saskatchewan and instead move in with “the nice neighbor lady” (my mom!) and all that Jonathan-Mike drama is going to be playing out in her living room for real. I try to tell my mom to put a little distance between herself and others. My mom’s like a kid bringing home a wounded bird…except it’s a wounded person and my mom ends up burned.
Ooh, I would legit watch a show with the Rebecca/ Mike/ Jonathan storyline. If your mom needs someone to tell these juicy soap operas to, tell her to call me!
Seriously. Just tell them you don’t want to hear about it. I love my parents and have an amazing close relationship with them, and talk to them a lot. They also do things that drive me completely insane (isn’t that what everyone’s family is like?). I just say “Mom you are are annoying me, let’s talk about something else. How is x project going at work?”. “Dad I don’t want to talk about this. How do you like the new lawnmower you just bought?” I say this with little expectation that it will keep them from harping on the same topics, but it works in the moment. It’s ok and normal to love your parents and also be annoyed by them!
If this were my parents– especially my needling mother or FIL– I’d reply saying, “thanks for the update, no grandbabies here anytime soon! I will be sure and let you know if that changes.”
I know this entirely depends on your relationship with your Mum and your Mum’s own interests/work life, so it’s likely unhelpful, but have you considered talking to her about TTC in ways where your connection might be helpful? It’s super obnoxious the way women’s bodies are still policed in academia and I’ve really enjoyed lots of conversations in the mid-twenties to mid-thirties adult phase of my life about work and gender and family. But then they faced similar issues 30 years ago so it’s more of a conversation about history related to current events. However, my folks and I all work in different areas of public service so even though my work is more academic we share CEO/manager job duties and outside hobby interests so that might make it easier. If that’s not the case for you, may I suggest gently suggesting topics of your own for discussion – for example pivot her from a story about a stranger’s three year old to having her reminisce about when she was parenting you as a three year old, or as a last case scenario read their local and national papers and keep a running list of talk prompts. I have family members where if we didn’t have current events/newspapers to talk about we’d have nothing to talk about
Just to continue a thread from yesterday regarding vulnerability in relationships and learning to quiet the anxious “omg it’s going to fall apart” voice some of us get when dealing with SOs/potential SOs — has anyone read anything by Brene Brown? I’m only familiar with her TED talk, just wondering what you all think of her work if you’re familiar!
Other suggestions of books/people to look into aside from Brene Brown are also welcome
I’m the OP from that thread :)
I found “Insecure in Love: How anxious attachment can make you jealous, needy, and worried, and what you can do about it” by Leslie Becker-Phelps to be pretty good.
The techniques she recommends closely align with what my therapist is saying. (So if you’re looking to save money on a therapist, this is a good start!) The only thing I dislike is that the text is a bit dense. I mainly have time for reading at night after work, and sometimes I’m tired and thinking, “Can I get some more white space on this page? More paragraph breaks?” haha, but the info is solid.
I’m not familiar with Brene Brown. I mean to look her up.
I liked The Gift of Imperfection. It’s the only book of hers that I’ve read but I plan on reading the others.
+1 I loved the Gift of Imperfection. I’ve read a few others (and haven’t finished them), but that’s the one that really spoke to me. I reread parts of it from time to time.
I posted on yesterday’s thread and recommended her. I’ve read Daring Greatly, which I really liked, and started to read The Gift of Imperfection, but I got, um, too busy perfecting at work and had to take a break (lol/sob).
I’d recommend starting with the Gift of Imperfection and then going to Daring Greatly- the first one is a better introduction to the ideas, and Daring Greatly goes deeper.
I’ve read them all and at one point signed up for one of the online courses she did in connection with Oprah. I didn’t end up finishing it because it was a little hokey for me, but I think the idea was nice and I will probably revisit it in the future.
FWIW, I place really high expectations on myself and am really hard on myself (per my therapist). I struggle with forgiving myself. I also struggle mightily with vulnerability. I tend to me a oh you hurt me once, I’m OUT, type of person, which isn’t so conducive to having long-term relationships of any kind. I don’t mind being a bit of a loner and I have two small close friend groups, so I do okay. I am generally pretty happy with my life and love my friends, but have definitely struggled in a variety of ways with LTRs.
The timing of this is funny because I was just raving to some friends last night about Brene Brown. I love audiobooks while I commute, and have been listening to The Power of Vulnerability. I could not recommend it highly enough. I’ve been listening to it for a week or so and it is changing how I view certain interactions and helping me to be mindful in everyday situations. I think I will listen to it again when I’m done. I prefer the audio version because she is presenting at a workshop and telling stories, rather than reading words she wrote, I think similarly to her TED talk. She is very Texan, which I could see being a bit annoying for some and has a bit of profanity sprinkled through but only where it fits. One of my favorite things so far is, “Don’t shrink, and don’t puff up”, talking about being yourself, being real and being seen. Her thoughts on perfection and numbing also struck home for me. Definitely check it out!
My sister does this with me, but for her it is people who died. I think she is trying to make a connection (we live a distance away and are not terribly close) and also deal with the passing of time.
Quick financial question — I have three law school loans and am trying to figure out which to target next. Loan A: 13K at 2.8% variable (private loan). Loan B: 12.5K at 3.5% fixed (public). Loan C: 22K at 4.5% fixed (public). I could pay off Loans A and B today or pay off half of Loan C. I don’t know that I think the “snowball effect” would work that well for me so what I’m really considering is whether it’s better to pay off Loan A or half of Loan C given that Loan A is my last remaining private loan. It’s also at a variable interest rate, but that rate hasn’t changed in about 8 years.
Thanks for your advice!
I would do half of loan C since the interest rate is so much higher right now. I don’t see interest rates going up soon (the fed 7520 rate for March just went down).
if you haven’t already checked it out, you might want to look at a refi for loan C with sofi or similar. I recently refi’d about that amount and got a 3.5% fixed. I know it’s only a percent but it was SO EASY. Like, took me a lunch break.
ugh not done. Then you could pay off A and B, refi C to 3.5% and have one loan left at 3.5% :)
The problem is depending on your position, income, etc – you lose public loan protections like forebearances, forgiveness, etc when you refinance them privately.
Not deferment though. Forgiveness, yes, if that is a factor.
Interesting. I had called SoFi last year and they said they couldn’t offer me anything lower than what I was paying. But maybe that was if I consolidated all of them as opposed to just refinancing one of them. Either way, I only have about 13K to throw at them right now. Was hoping to knock out Loan A (private loan) because I hate the provider and the variable rate/lack of federal protections makes me a teensy bit wary. But seeing as the interest rates are staying low, it may not make sense.
Thanks for the advice! Keep it coming!
While I would normally rank by interest rate, all your loans have reasonable rates here. I am assuming that you have $13K as a lump sum and might have about the same amount next year. Paying off the 4.5% loan versus the 2.8% loan would save about $260 over one year. Is the hassle of provider A worth saving $260? Only you can answer, but I don’t think there is a clear choice here.
I’m going to be in ATL for the first time for a conference and the conference hotel is fully booked for my last night so I need to figure out another place to stay. I know there are plenty of Atlanta-based women on this s i t e, so I’d love a recommendation for a cool neighborhood, area, or even specific hotel/AirBnB/whatever to check out–the conference will wrap up that afternoon, so I just need to be able to access the airport easily the next day to fly home. Trying to stay around $180 for the night. Thanks in advance!
What are you looking to do for the rest of the afternoon/evening? What time is your flight the next day (for traffic reasons)?
Would probably be looking to do a mellow stroll or run around a neighborhood and a low-key dinner. My flight the next day is at 12.
Unfortunately, I have no idea how much hotel rooms cost here in ATL. MARTA (subway train) is the easiest way to get to and from the airport, so if you can find a hotel next to a train station, that would be great. There are several hotels downtown near Peachtree Center (Hyatt, Marriott, etc.), which is next to a station.
+1 to MARTA. Look around the Lenox and Buckhead stops. Tons of hotels, places to eat and shopping. If you want to be in a cute neighborhood/less busy area, Decatur has nice downtown with lots of great places to eat and a MARTA stop. There is a Courtyard right there that may be in your price range.
I’ll be in Buckhead for my conference, which is immediately followed by a mega-conference–I already looked for other places to stay and struck out. I’ll look into Lenox and Decatur. Thanks!
Lenox is in Buckhead. If you’re looking for a mellow run/stroll, I’d highly recommend midtown or Decatur (as mentioned). You won’t necessarily have as easy Marta access in midtown, but you’ll have walkable neighborhoods with lots of restaurant options and easy access to the airport via uber.
I love Decatur but wouldn’t necessarily recommend it in these circumstances because you’ll have to change trains both to get there from Buckhead and to get from there to the airport.
I’m biased, but take a look at Midtown – there are a lot of hotels, and some will be in your price range. See how the Hyatt, the W, and the Loew’s look during that time frame. You’ll be walkable to Piedmont Park, a bunch of great restaurants (I recommend Empire State South for drinks and snacks, the Lawrence or Ecco for dinner, and the Flying Biscuit or Bantam & Biddy for breakfast), and the High Museum, as well as within running (or long walking) distance from the Beltline. If you are a runner, in fact, I would totally recommend Midtown so that you can check out the Beltline – it’s a rail-to-trail conversion with cool public art. You’ll also be close to the Midtown MARTA station, which will get you to the airport in about 20 minutes without a change of trains.
If you want a less-expensive dinner option, I recommend Takorea (get the portobello taco and the shrimp taco!). +1 to Flying Biscuit for breakfast but get there early. I also like JChristophers on W Peachteee for breakfast.
Also Cafe Agora has delicious food (i think you might be vegetarian – their veg meze platter is awesome!!) and the turkish guys who run it are super nice. Casual place.
And… Now I’m dreaming of that mezze platter. My fave!
+1 to cbackson. This is on point (esp. the restaurant recs). I heart Decatur, but it’s a lot more traveling from Buckhead. The beltline is really cool and it runs through a lot of different parts of town.
Georgian Terrace Hotel
Walking distance (1 block) to MARTA.
Lots of nearby restaurants etc.
There is a 15% off code for “neighboring states” residents – look for it on the website.
That looks amazing!
Ugh, only fancy suites for $300 available the night I need.
Booooo :(
Keep it in mind for future trips to Atlanta. We put our families up there for big events and can typically get 2 bedroom suites for around 130-150/night if we book far enough in advance, and around 100 for 1 bedroom.
Where is the conference? You don’t want to stay in a place across town, let me assure you :)
Buckhead. Can’t stay there for the night in question, though, because the big brother of my conference is coming to town and there are zero rooms anywhere that my institution will pay for. Much as I wish I could get my public university to pay for the Ritz-Carlton, I don’t think it’s happening :)
Okay, thanks for the suggestions! I’m staying in Midtown in what seems like the last hotel room available in the city…
I live in Midtown so if you need more specific recommendations, feel free to contact me at cbackson at the gmail.
I stayed at the Artmore recently. Really cute boutique hotel for very reasonable price- I had a two-story loft suite for about $120. Marta station across the street and was within walking distance to dinner and brunch spots.
That’s where I’m staying! So nice to get a personal recommendation :)
In that case, I am changing my breakfast recommendation to the Highland Bakery’s midtown location.
When you get there you may be kind of like “whyyyyyy did people recommend this?” because the Artmore is a block or two off the beaten path. But never fear! you are close to good stuff. Just ask the staff for directions to Peachtree & 14th, and that will put you kind of in the core of north Midtown.
(I would recommend Bantam & Biddy over Highland Bakery by a mile, FWIW.)
Hahaha it’s all good – I loathe Empire
State South so I think we have opposite food preferences :) on the bright side, emeralds has a lot of diverse options to choose from!
I will say that I only like ESS for appetizers and drinks…the entrees are resoundingly meh, in my view (and pricey). The bocce court is nice, though.
Fair point. I’m not a big drinker so I can only speak to the food, but the appetizers are better than the entrees. The worst, however, was the coffee – all the fancy hype and the “coffee sommelier” and it was a transclucent, weak disappointment.
I loathe Empire State South for lunch/dinner/brunch, but ADORE it for weekday business breakfasts. Their buttermilk biscuits (only available M-F) are out of this world good, and they do one topped with bacon, pimento cheese, and boneless fried chicken…
Cross post from the moms site:
I’m trying to help a friend sort out childcare in the DC/Falls Church area and was hoping some of you brilliant ladies could weigh in: She and her husband both work in DC, and they need to figure out child care for their 2.5 month old baby that can start in 3-5 weeks (!!). They’re considering au pair and nanny options, but budget will probably be an impediment – anyone want to chime in with advice and experience? I don’t have kids so I’m not sure where to start, but this is the one thing they said they could really use my help with. Thanks in advance! :)
Odd, the moms comment thread is showing empty for me this morning. 3-5 weeks sounds really quick to get an au pair sorted out, and nannies are very expensive in this area (I’m assuming your friends work in Government and need to pay on the books, which everyone should do anyway). I’d encourage them to look into in-home daycare providers. I have several friends in NoVa who are happy with various in-home providers (I loved mine, too, but it was in Maryland), and they are by far the most affordable option short of grandparents. If your friend is willing to do a nanny-share, neighborhood listservs are the best place to start. Listservs are also great places to find nanny recommendations in general; people often post to help find a new position for their nanny that they no longer need.
When we were interviewing nannies, we got a subscription to care.com for a month to get more candidates and were absolutely inundated with responses to our job posting. She could check that out, too.
On a total side note, I can’t believe your friends waited this long to try to arrange child care! Did their original plan fall through?
Thanks! I think they had planned on grandparents playing a larger role than ended up being realistic due to some new health developments. Grandparents could step in though and extend the timeline to find regular childcare by a month or so, but I agree, it’s a really tight timeline. I’ll suggest they look for in-home daycare options too.
She should check licensed home daycares. The state of Virginia has a searchable site with past inspection information. Neighborhood message boards, local Facebook moms groups, and DC Urban Moms are helpful for getting feedback on specific home daycares that people may be using. People sometimes post when there are openings in the daycares they’re currently using. Alternatively, some of the bigger chain centers (think KinderCare) are likely to have space on short notice, but a place like that may not be your friend’s first choice.
We use a home daycare that’s located right where Alexandria and Falls Church meet. There’s a main lady with two employees, and they care for 9-10 kids. We absolutely love it, and my daughter is extremely happy there. I’d be happy to give you more info if you’d like. I don’t think she has an opening right now, but there are a few older kids who are moving onto preschool soon.
That’s a wonderful suggestion! I’ll float the idea of in-home daycare to my friend and reach back out to you for the recommendation if they’re interested.
That is an insane timeline in this area. I think in-home daycare is probably the best option. If they have a spare bedroom and would prefer an au pair, one option would be to hire a nanny on a short-term basis to fill in the gap until the au pair arrives (although I don’t know how easy it would be to find a good nanny on short notice who’d be up for a short-term gig — but possibly a college student who wanted to nanny for the summer?). For more info on au pairs and my views on them, search this s!te and au pair and TBK. I’ve written many, many posts.
Great, thanks! I’ll read back through your posts. You might have already talked about it, but one of my concerns with the au pair option (which my friend shares as well) is the capability of an au pair to care for a little baby. At a glance, it seems like the au pairs I’ve seen listed are quite young seem better suited to school age kids versus being responsible for an infant from 9am-5pm – could you weigh in?
Au pairs are age 18 through I think 26. We have one for our twin boys, who were 12 months when she arrived. We only looked at candidates who were 20 or above. Ours is now 24 (23 when she arrived) and there is a huge difference in maturity between 18 and 23. I would only get an 18 or 19 year old as a mother’s helper, but by the time they’re 21 or so, I think many of them are fully capable of handling full-time care. We could not be happier with ours. She works 8:30-6:30 M-Th and 7:30-12:30 on Fridays while we’re at work. I’ve never had a moment’s hesitation about her. She’s actually better with the boys than I am sometimes. (I’m amazed that they just giggle and splash while she washes their hair while they scream bloody murder whenever I get water anywhere near their heads.) I know 12 months is not the same as a 3 month old (although the baby will be older than that when the au pair arrives) but we were prepared to get an au pair even if I’d gone back to work when the boys were 3 months old. I think there’s a huge difference between imagining your baby left alone with imagined au pair and actually talking with and Skyping with a young woman and thinking about whether you’d leave your baby with THIS au pair. It was crystal clear to me from our first Skype call that our au pair was a great fit.
This is such a helpful and reassuring response, thanks so much! I suspect you’re right about skyping with a real person versus imagining a young adult being solely responsible for the baby’s care all day.
Recall that au pairs can only work a set number of hours a week (45?), as evidenced by the hours quoted by TBK above. May not be the best option for someone who needs to cover 40 hrs/week of work time plus travel.
Just an FYI that you posted on yesterday’s thread (on the mom’s s1te)–I would repost on this morning’s thread as well!
Whoops, thanks!
Have her find the community listserv for her neighborhood and send out an email looking for a nanny share.
Anyone familiar with Princeton? I’m considering taking a job there and want to get a sense of what it’s like to live there. Will I need a car, or is it possible to get by with public transportation + walking + strategically located apt and the occasional uber? Is it logistically doable to commute from NYC and still work longer hours (probably 10-12)? Recommendations for neighborhoods to rent in? I’m in my 20s, married, no kids.
IIRC the train from NYC to Princeton involves a change of trains and takes like 1.5 hours, so I wouldn’t say it’s a realistic commuting distance.
Yes, if you get on at Princeton, you need to take the shuttle to Princeton Junction and then get on the Northeast Corridor line, which will take you direct to Penn Station.
Yeah my husband used to live in NYC and went to Princeton once in a while for work. It was pretty brutal, about 90 minutes each way, and definitely not something I can imagine doing every day unless there was a compelling reason you had to live in NYC. If your husband will have to work in NYC, I imagine there are places you can live in between that don’t necessitate a 90 minute commute for either of you.
Commuting from NYC would suck with those hours. The train is fine, but it’s not cheap and it takes a while and it isn’t terribly frequent late at night. You could live in Jersey City and drive, for city access, but that’s just not a pleasant drive.
I actually really like Princeton and would live in the town. It’s reasonably fun and downtown is walkable. I would absolutely want a car though. Sure, you can get by without one. And the students mainly do, but you’ll really want one.
I actually know a number of people who do that commute or the reverse, including one of my best friends (though she works 4 days/week). It’s too long for me, but people absolutely do it.
It will take you about 1.5 hours via train to get into NYC. If you live in the downtown Princeton area (like near Princeton University) and don’t intend to regularly travel outside that area, you’d probably be okay without a car (I mean, college kids do it), but you will really want a car. I think buses would be very inconvenient.
The area near the college is really cute, with a bunch of shops and restaurants. A friend lived in the area by the college for a few years (in his early/mid-20’s) and I think he liked it.
I lived in Princeton for 6 years while in grad school. I really liked living there, but it is definitely suburban. You’ll need a car for basics like going to the grocery store or going out to eat. I liked it because it was beautiful, quiet, and has wonderful running trails. The town is adorable with good coffee shops and decent restaurants. But it is small – no doubt about it.
The people who were most unhappy with Princeton were people who loved urban environments. Some people commuted from New York, but they didn’t come in every day (plus our hours were more flexible in grad school). Philadelphia is more doable if you really want an urban lifestyle, but you’d have to commute by car.
For neighborhoods, the area around the university is going to be the most active and walkable, but also the most expensive. Other neighborhoods are lovely but very suburban. Do you have a chance to go out there and check it out before deciding on the job?
I’ve worked in town for fifteen years, and I agree with the points above. It is not an urban environment and you are likely to need a car. This area is pricey and small. I live just out of town since housing is less expensive there. If I could have afforded it I would have bought a home in Hopewell. Adorable town, rural feel and you don’t run into people from work every time you step out the door.
Thanks to everyone for all the comments! I was afraid the answer would be yes to needing a car. I’ve been to the area a few times during interviews, but I took the train so didn’t explore much. Sounds like I need another trip.
What’s a reasonable range for rent for a 1 bedroom in the area? I live in Manhattan now so feel like I have a warped sense of “reasonable.”
Have you ever been asked “how do you manage your work-life balance” in a job interview? I saw this on a list of things that people have been asked, and I’m really wondering what the question is getting at and how I should think about answering.
We asked something similar to this in the last panel interview I sat on (I did not draft the questions.) Ours was something like “how do you deal with stress” I’m not even sure what the point of it was, but the answers were all something along the lines of yoga, exercise, playing with my dog, relaxing with family, etc.
I would be a little horrified if I were asked that. It seems like something that would be disproportionately asked of women, especially women with kids. I definitely don’t think “What do you do for fun?” or even “how do you relieve stress?” is an inappropriate question but something about “How do you *manage*” has the tone of “How do you do it all?” which definitely has $exist undertones, and I would probably run the other way from the company.
+1 – looks like they are trying to see if you have kids, etc.
This.
Nah, I think you’re thinking too much into it. Figure out whether the company in question is a lifestyle company that values people who have interesting lives outside of work, or if it values hours and dedication to work. It’s going to be one or the other if they’re asking that question in an interview.
If it’s the former, emphasize the interesting activities you do outside of work and why you are more than just your job. If it’s the latter, explain why what you do outside of work destresses you and allows you to maintain focus on your job.
Wait, do you mean as an interviewee (recruit) or interviewer (recruiter)? I think if it’s as a recruiter, they are angling to know what you honestly think about how many hours you work. I have been asked this question, or ones similar, in interviews. I’m at a law firm, so my normal (somewhat canned) response is that yes, the hours are long and we have targets to meet, but that there’s a fair amount of flexibility in when and where I work those hours, so long as the work is getting done and I’m available.
As an interviewee/recruit. Is it maybe a way to figure out if you can handle long hours and work stress without burning out? Or in general how well suited you are to that?
I’m 28 and I also have a meddling mom problem. My mom will not stop commenting about my weight. She asks me questions about what I eat and whether I “deserve” to eat pasta or rice and I’m finding it really difficult. I’ve gained quite a bit of weight over the last couple years and I’m working on getting my weight back down to a healthy number but I cannot take the constant nagging from her. When she suggested a diet for me and I decided to go with it, she said good, now maybe you’ll look nice at X friend’s wedding.
I’m so frustrated. I know this comes out of a good intention because she constantly struggles with her weight but I can’t take it anymore. I’ve asked her to stop talking about it but she blew off my concerns and said I was being oversensitive. In fact, she bought me a Christmas gift in a size too small because she knew it wouldn’t fit but didn’t want me to get sensitive. (Note the size itself isn’t what bothers me, it’s the comments but it’s my fault for getting offended).
Now is probably not a good time to confront her about this because she’s grieving the loss of a parent – do I just suck it up to give her something else to focus on for a few months?
Heck no! “Mom shut up about my weight. It’s rude and hurtful and when you comment about I’m going to hang up or leave. I don’t want to hear it at all.” And then do that.
No. You need to put an end to this. It’s completely inappropriate.
Tell her it is hurtful and demotivating and it makes you self-conscious and resentful towards her. Tell her if she keeps it up, you’ll have to leave/hang-up/ask her to leave…then follow through.
My mum does this too. She’s always going on about how she wants me to be ‘comfortable.’
Ugh. My mom did this for my whole life, too, and it’s horrible.
I think you’re allowed to set this boundary because it’s just so awful and intrusive and horrible. “Mom, I’m dealing with my weight as best I can, and I need you to know that your comments are not at all helpful and make me feel awful. Whether I’m oversensitive or not, I am not going to listen to them any more. I love you and I want to enjoy our conversations so I am just going to have to draw a line in the sand here.” Then do it. If she starts up, say “Mom, I’ve asked you not to talk about that. What are you doing this weekend?” And if she keeps up, say “It’s been great talking to you. Talk to you again soon when you have something other than my weight to talk about. Love you, ‘bye.” And hang up the phone or walk out of the room. Every. single. time. Ultimately it will work but you have to be consistent.
I did this, too. And it actually was really successful. My mom honestly thought she was helping me and didn’t realize she was hurting my feelings (I KNOW). I know you have already asked your mom to stop but I hope that the constant boundary reminders and subject changes will help. Also if it’s on the phone, ending a conversation after one attempt to change the subject sends a big message.
This is a conversation I have with both of my parents… at least 1 out of every 3 times we talk. My entire life has been this. I play a game when I visit them (1) How soon after we get there will she make a comment about weight and (2) What’s the over/under on how many times she brings up calories/exercise/weight in a weekend. My mom knows it hurts my feelings and it’s painful and not helpful. She says she’s doing it because she cares (and I don’t doubt that, but it doesn’t help to hear it from her- I know what I look/feel like better than anyone!).
To cope- I do what SA suggested. I *always* change the subject immediately. And when she is particularly stuck on it, I hang up. I also “go cold” on her when it gets to be too much (like the time she went wedding dress shopping with me and (1) kept trying to get me to try on the dresses the very petite girl next to me was trying on and (2) insisted that I order a dress 6 sizes too small as “motivation” to get in shape for my wedding)- I’ll just tell her “You hurt me. I don’t want people in my life who hurt me. I’ll see you at my wedding but not before then and you won’t be involved in the wedding planning.”
I wish I had a “This works 100% of the time” suggestion to get your mom off your back, but I don’t. What I can tell you works 100% of the time for me is remembering that I am very happy, love my life, that my health and weight is an on-going part of my development and that I am very fulfilled. Her harping on my weight says so much more about her than it does about me.
+1
“I will not come to see you/ call you/ whatever if you continue to comment on my weight. I am working on it. I love you but you have to cut it out.”
My mother nagged me for years about my skin (acne that won’t go away) and some other appearance issues. I finally broke down one Thanksgiving trip, yelled at her that I was sick of her constant nagging, and left a day early. Dramatic, yes, but she hasn’t brought it up since.
I should add this was after rational attempts at telling her “I am dealing with this, I don’t want to talk about it” were ignored.
Good lord, my mom used to on my weight (not in the petty way your mom does, but in a “I worry about your health/your ability to find a partner/how you’ll be percieved by potential employers” way). A long time ago I told my mom that my weight was no longer a topic for discussion., and she’s respected that. If she hadn’t, I don’t think we’d talk much or have a close relationship. If I were you, I wouldn’t go down the “I’d prefer if you didn’t talk about my weight, it hurts my feelings” route, I’d just say, “you’re not allowed to talk about my weight, ever, for any reason, starting now”.
I may be a bad daughter, but i’m not the kind to sugar coat things: “MOM WTF”
There’s always the very short, abrupt “Enough.” Then walk away. (This works, because it doesn’t leave room to argue about whether or not you are oversensitive, if she’s trying to help, or whatever.)
She’s not trying to help… but that doesn’t mean she’s trying to hurt you, either. Do Not Ask Me How I Know These Things, but women with body image issues often “resolve” them through making completely inappropriate, hurtful comments about their daughters. If you feel like going the more direct route, you can say “Mother, I am an intelligent adult who is capable of understanding how to keep her body healthy. This is obviously about you and your own issues. Fix them with a therapist, not by making remarks about MY BODY.”
All of the above. With that said, it’s hard. I had the convo with both my parents, telling them how their comments make me not want to see them ever.
What makes it harder is (a) the well meaning doctor sibling who couches it in terms of “health”; and (b) an entire culture in which body-shaming is acceptable (looking at you KOREA), and all of the relatives who live in said culture.
For what it’s worth, I had to ask my mum to stop doing this and although it was a process it was worth it because I actually really enjoy her and I just wanted that part of our relationship to be different. I corrected gently in a moment when she wouldn’t be embarrassed (ie not in front of other people). I had to correct a few more times because it took a while (a couple of years?) for various scenarios to come up where I needed to show a boundary – for example her talking about how she needs to loose weight for an event and on and on and would point out how rude that is when she’s taller/thinner than me and I know how much she values thinness, or pointing out that commenting on the quantity of my food is the same as body policing (esp when she’d comment on the volume of fruit/veggies for Pete’s sake!) It took a while but it was worth it.
Also, like babies is best to distract them immediately after a correction so they don’t start fussing – so a quick change of subject including just saying “no, new subject…..”
Shop for me!!
My birthday is coming up and I think I want to get myself a right hand ring but not sure exactly what. Something under $300.
have you seen any you love?
If you’re a Costco member, I have seen some pretty right hand rings there that seem of lovely quality. My husband bought me a pretty sapphire right hand ring there, but I think it was a bit more than your budget ($700?). I seem to recall several in-store that were lower in price point.
+1
Costco is great for jewelry.
I was online window-shopping at Shopbop for rings yesterday and they had a ton of cute ones in your price point!
I’m going to be purchasing a Monica Vinader Riva ring for myself. It’s about $250.
A little something from Kendra Scott?
I bought mine from Zales and the quality is terrible – it’s already in need of repair and it’s only been six months. When I was looking I went to independent jewelers to look at options for custom rings and then when I decided what I wanted I found a pre-made version of it.
So my husband got quite possibly the most ridiculous haircut (for him) this weekend. He was out of town for a wedding and used a new place, and they just…well, they took a lot of creative license that for whatever reason Husband didn’t or couldn’t stop. He looks (his words) “like a Hitler Youth recruit”. It’s not the haircut so much itself, but rather how different it is from his very classic/ hasn’t changed in the 10 years I’ve known him and quite possibly his entire life. He’s a stodgy traditional finance soccer-dad type and this is a trendy haircut (and probably a bit more youthful than appropriate for his ripe old age of 35).
He doesn’t like it, and will of course grow it out but despite my assurance that people just aren’t that observant and nobody will know, they are noticing. He just texted me telling him that his CEO and his boss (the CFO) just noticed and made a comment.
Is there anything at all to be done here? I did offer to kind of color in the very short shaved type parts with eyeliner, which he declined. Just buy ample scotch to get him through the next couple weeks until it grows out? It’s so short that I don’t think any amount of cutting or styling will really help hide what changed.
I really do feel awful; I was pretty sure it wasn’t that bad and that random co-workers wouldn’t notice. Guess I’m the only one that lives in la la land at work!
Can he try taking biotin so it grows out faster?
What?!?!? No don’t color it in with eyeliner. That’s cray. He just needs to deal with it like a big boy. And next time don’t be delusional- of course everyone will notice a drastic change!
i feel so mean but you made me chuckle! Op, why can’t he shave his head (or even shave it for charity-have a friend who did that) or just clip it super short? I keep trying to picture how bad this haircut could be. Most 35year old men I know are just greatful to have hair, or clinging to sad scraps, so bright side? Hope it grows in soon!
Or he could get the top part cut shorter so it will grow out more at the same rate?
Just buzz it all down.
Seconding this idea
+3
+4. Nothing wrong with a nice buzz cut or even a fade.
I’m guessing by your description that he’s gone very short on the sides and longer on the top, which seems to be a very trendy guy haircut right now. If he’s not comfortable, can he go back to another guy and just cut the top shorter – more of a military “high and tight” haircut? It may not be “him” or what he wants, but it would be definitely more conservative.
My SO got this exact haircut from an experimenting stylist after years of a haircut that pretty much just looks like a mop. I thought it looked great, his friends said he looked “fast.” It’s a very trendy haircut right now – I think 35 is perfectly reasonable to wear this cut. BUT it does look better with wax. It’s not a haircut that looks great without product.
My conservative-dressing SO is advancing at a snail’s pace towards this style: every cut the sides get a liiiiittle shorter and the top stays a litttttle longer. He says wax is crucial to making it look nice. IMH and totally unbiased O, I think it does a great job of edging up his button down and jean uniform and love it :)
He could shave it all off and it anyone asks tell them his kids got lice and we was afraid to get them too. We had a client who did that. It was hilarious.
What’s wrong with updating his haircut? If it’s a good cut and he looks good, I don’t really see the problem besides the fact that it’s different.
He looks fine (enough, it’s just a big change). He doesn’t think he looks fine. This is a noteworthy problem because he got it cut on Saturday and it has been a nonstop complaint since then. I can only take so much!
I like the comment above, “be grateful you have hair. It’ll grow back.” I’m just sick of hearing about it. I offered to color it in as a joke/to show how silly he was being.
Military and shaving it off is simply not going to happen. He will likely never stray from his in town barber who had been cutting hair since 1952 ever again.
I think the best thing you can do for your husband is laugh it off and help your husband laugh it off. If people notice enough to comment on it, his best line of defence is to make a joke (I know, right? Ask for a haircut in [City] and this is what they do to ya!”) and everyone will move on.
You know, I’m all for partnership but I seriously doubt that your husband would post on an all-dude message board wondering what he should do to fix a haircut his wife got that she’s unhappy with.
It’s his hair, let him deal with it.
And eyeliner? No.
+Million
It will be a big deal (meaning people will notice and comment) for a day or two, and then everybody will go back to thinking about themselves and it will die down. Just relax and think about how pretty soon it will just be a funny story: “The Time He Went Away for the Weekend and Got a Crazy Haircut.”
Oops that was for men’s haircut disaster above.
+1 You are way overthinking this. It’s a haircut.
Honestly, the questions that get asked around here…
Just before I left my previous job in the fall, a work-friend confided that she was pregnant. It was very early and she hadn’t told anyone else in the office. We’ve chatted off and on since then but finally got together for happy hour with some other of my former co-workers last week and… she’s not pregnant. I didn’t want to bring it up with other people there, but she must have miscarried. Should I say anything at this point? She didn’t make any reference to it when we talked prior to getting together, and obviously we’re not super close.
I wouldn’t bring it up. If you’re not super close, she likely doesn’t want to talk about it with you.
This is tough. I think I would reach out to her– an email would be perfectly fine (and probably better than face-to-face, so she can react however she wants). Just say that it was good to see her, and you realized something must have happened with her pregnancy. Make it clear you’re not asking for all the details if she doesn’t want to share, but you are thinking of her. I realize she told you about the pregnancy, not about the loss, so it’s a little different, but I was devastated when people who knew about my loss seemed to actively avoid the topic when I saw them (or never acknowledged that I had told them).
I am the one with the friend who miscarried at 5 weeks from yesterday. My friend miscarried while she was at another one of our friend’s houses for a jewelry party. I am pretty sure she didn’t want any of the strangers or even casual acquaintances there to know what happened. She told the host, because the host is the other bff in our group of three, and then she told me afterwards. I think she might have told us at some point, but since neither of us knew she was pregnant yet, I can’t be 100% sure. And she is my best friend.
that’s the long-winded version of saying don’t bring it up. If she wants you to know, she will tell you.
Thanks, ladies. My instinct was not to mention it, but then I was feeling really guilty about not saying anything… so it’s good to get some confirmation that I’m not being cold.
The bride of an upcoming wedding I’m attending just suggested that I not wear heels that are “too skinny” because apparently there will be a lot of walking on grass. The attire is black tie, and I do want to wear heels. What would you wear in this situation? Specific links or general suggestions welcome. The dress I’m probably going to wear is cobalt (this one): https://www.renttherunway.com/shop/designers/allison_parris/cobalt_marilyn_gown
TIA!
That dress is GORGEOUS. I don’t feel like I have a great answer for your actual question – black tie means no wedges, I assume, and wedges are my go-to for an outdoor wedding. Maybe a stacked heel would be good enough? I would also consider doing something where it’s easy enough to clean the heel afterwards. Depending on how damp the grass is, any heel will punch into the grass and it’s easy to screw up a pair of heels with mud and grass.
I know! It was just added to RTR. I’m drooling.
What about something like Isola brand ‘Felicity’ wedge sandal in gold. Nordstrom has it.
Do you specifically want heels, or just the height from heels? If you just want some height, I’d go with wedges. Heels+grass=bad.
By heels I meant anything elevated, but should have been more clear… I am a little wary of wedges for black tie. I guess the answer is obvious, either wedges or a wide heel, so I was hoping someone here had a specific recommendations for wider heels that still looked pretty dressy.
That is an awesome dress!
Definitely don’t wear spile heels. Fortunately blocky heels are making a comeback. Maybe something like this: http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/nina-solange-sandal-women/4185912?origin=category-personalizedsort&contextualcategoryid=0&fashionColor=&resultback=5400
Wedges. Love the dress, and I think gold or beige would look good with the dress.
Heels are horrible on the grass. You can wear evening wedges like these: http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00T67BGVU/ref=asc_df_B00T67BGVU4201683?smid=ATVPDKIKX0DER&linkCode=df0&creative=395093&creativeASIN=B00T67BGVU&tag=wwwshopstylec-20&ascsubtag=1904857038
Just avoid any wedges with raffia or other casual materials.
I have a pair of nude patent leather wedges where the wedge is more slender than the shoe itself, and they look pretty dressy. I’ve worn them to at least three outdoor weddings, off the top of my head, and many more times besides that. I can’t remember exactly which ones they are, but it should be easy enough to find something on the internet.
Alternatively, these gold wedges might be a better fit for “black tie” – http://www.colehaan.com/emery-wedge-%2875mm%29—almond-toe-gold-metallic/W00027.html?dwvar_W00027_color=Gold%20Metallic&dwvar_W00027_width=B.
I have a pair of pointy toe wedges that are like this. They’re almost a d’orsay cut and have a thick ankle strap; from the front you can’t tell it’s a wedge at all. But I can walk much more fearlessly in them!
A friend got married on grass recently and wanted to wear skinny heels. She found these little plastic clear plastic heel protectors that gave the heel a wider base. You could put those onto evening heel that you already own?
Something like this: http://www.amazon.com/Solemates-High-Heeler-Classic-Clear/dp/B002CWYCQW/ref=sr_1_3_s_it?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1458067885&sr=1-3&keywords=grass+heel+protectors
Seeking lightweight travel sneakers for working out in hotel gym/walking outside. I’m hoping to fit everything in a carry on bag for a work trip (casual) to Sweden, so trying to get things down to 3 pairs of shoes total! Thank you all for suggestions!
I purchased some NB sneakers at TJ Maxx several years ago that are much more lightweight than most sneakers I ever see. They’re my go to gym shoes, and I bet TJ still carries the same or very similar ones. And I think I paid $40 or less?
These were probably from their Minimus line. Any barefoot style running shoe will be lightweight and slim, but you should work your way up to doing anything that involves serious impact (running, etc.). I have several pairs of the Minimus trail shoes, but had to upgrade when my ortho told me nothing was going to make the pain in my foot go away other than switching shoes. Sadbluefaces. I still wear them to bop around town in and they are an easy pack for a weekend where I will just be walking around!
You might be right about them being in that line, and I also agree about not necessarily running in them. I do 15 minutes of fast run/walk interval training on the treadmill at the end of each workout and they feel a little flimsy even for that.
Also recommend any variation of the Nike Free. You can usually find them at Nordstrom Rack for $70-80. I LOVE mine, and they weigh virtually nothing.
Just read reviews that said latest version of the Nike Free have much narrower toe box than earlier versions. Thanks for the tip!
I have black nike frees for gym and casual walking -they’re actually pretty trendy right now in streetwear so that’s a bonus
Agree with the Nike Frees. If they’re in the flyknit line, they’re even more packable!
I love mine, GREAT for running!
6pm has some cute ones: http://www.6pm.com/nike-free-5-0-v4-white-white-black?utm_term=SKU-7926167&utm_campaign=product_page_badge&utm_medium=socialearned&utm_source=pinterest
Skechers makes some sneakers with memory foam (like the Glider) – super comfortable, and slip-on too!
Possible trigger warning—I need some big-sister advice.
So my PhD-carrying little sister is very smart (and very pretty) but very socially/romantically naive after spending almost a decade thinking about little other than her research. It probably doesn’t help that our parents (now divorced) had a rather contentious relationship while we were growing up, so neither of us have great models for what loving, intentional partnership should look like.
Sister is now across the country and embroiled in what sounds like a shockingly bad relationship with a guy who is clearly struggling with depression, anger, and jealousy—and who likes guns.
Given this guy’s tendencies and literal firepower, I really do wonder if she’s in danger, especially as she works herself up to ending the relationship. Her BF doesn’t have any violent patterns, thank goodness, but there’s definitely been some strong language and one troubling physical incident during an argument (he held her down on a bed—not sexually—in what he said was an effort to cut off the fight so they could both go to sleep).
I should probably add that we grew up in a small town that has been in the headlines recently as a result of angry-white-guy gun violence, so that’s surely skewing my perspective here—I understand that responsible gun owners exist, and while I have no reason to believe that this guy isn’t responsible in that area of his life, it’s also pretty clear that he is negligent about other things (social relationships, finances, etc.), so . . .
Writing this out, I realize that this is as much about my big-sister anxiety—she’s a grown-up and I am not responsible for her safety–as it is about wanting to provide more resources for her. So. Any ideas?
I don’t know, I don’t think you’re overreacting that much. I would not be at all comfortable if my little sister was in this relationship.
I know this sounds extreme, but if you go visit every once in a while, can you schedule a trip soon? It’s always easier to get perspective on a situation in-person, and maybe you can even meet the guy. It might also be easier for her to break up with him, if she’s at that point, if she has someone to offer her unconditional support in person.
Actually, I’ve met him–he was her date to our wedding last summer! And he was very charming. He *is* very charming–I think he just has a lot of other issues to work out and I think their relationship moved too quickly for those issues to come to the fore before things got serious. (They moved across the country together for her fancy new job at about the 6-month point, so I think a lot of the angst recently is because he just isn’t adjusting well to the move.)
And yes, I’ve been thinking about a trip. Our mother is going out next month (although BF was horrified at the prospect of his girlfriend’s mother staying in their guest suite, so Mom and Sis are getting an Airbnb together–is it obvious yet that I am amazed this relationship is still going?), which I hope will help. Sister and mother are not super close, so I’m just crossing my fingers that the visit doesn’t actually make things worse!
Gah. I look forward to this someday being something we rib my sister about. And not something we forever regret.
Oops, that’s me above, obviously.
I recommend both of you read Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? “Charming” can also be a sign of an abuser when added with the other things you mentioned here. Most importantly, he says the best predictor of whether or not a a controlling/possessive/angry person will turn physically violent, is your own gut.
Also “moving too quickly” is another sign of abuse, especially if it was something she was uncomfortable with. Abusers come on strong, and often it feels very flattering to be so desired. Then it’s so hard to leave. You and your sister can also call the DV hotline at any time. They have trained counselors who can help identify the signs.
I may be missing something, but it seems like a huge red flag that he does not want your mom to stay with him and your sister when they have the space. I know there are legitimate reasons for not wanting your SO’s parents to stay with you, but with everything else you have said, I would worry that he is hiding something or that this is an isolation attempt. I would not be at all surprised if your mom ends up in that Airbnb by herself next month–which would be another huge red flag.
Can you talk to someone with expertise in this area? I know gun people (I married one) so I get less antsy about guns per se than some of my friends, but I also know that guns + abuse is a really bad combo. It’s hard to tell whether the guy is dangerous from here. Someone (therapist, social worker) with experience would have better advice.
Can you time a visit to coincide with break-up? In a best case scenario, you get to visit and spend the night in a hotel together watching bad movies, but in a worst, you could provide essential support. Don’t ignore your gut when it comes to male violence.
Breaks ups are very very very dangerous times with abusive partners. Definitely go visit.