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Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Hazel Embellished Blazer

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Elizabeth and James Hazel Embellished BlazerI was going to post something else entirely today, but then I noticed that CUSP's sale section is on sale, so of course I had to poke around. For two days only, exclusively online, you can take an extra 25% off all sale merchandise. Take this lovely white blazer with an interesting embroidered hem, for example: it was originally $565, but was then marked down to $339 — with the sale it comes down an additional 25%, to $254, once you put it in your cart. Awesome. Elizabeth and James Hazel Embellished Blazer Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2) Psst: Check out more great deals (including previously recommended pieces, now marked down) at the Corporette Bargains page!

Sales of note for 1/16/25:

  • M.M.LaFleur – Tag sale for a limited time — jardigans and dresses $200, pants $150, tops $95, T-shirts $50
  • Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
  • AllSaints – Clearance event, now up to 70% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
  • Ann Taylor – Up to 40% off your full-price purchase; extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 15% off new styles with code — readers love this blazer, these dresses, and their double-layer line of tees
  • DeMellier – Final reductions now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
  • Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; extra 50% off all clearance, plus ELOQUII X kate spade new york collab just dropped
  • Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off; new markdowns just added
  • J.Crew – Up to 40% off select styles; up to 50% off cashmere
  • J.Crew Factory – 40-70% off everything
  • L.K. Bennett – Archive sale, almost everything 70% off
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Sephora – 50% off top skincare through 1/17
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Summersalt – BOGO sweaters, including this reader-favorite sweater blazer; 50% off winter sale; extra 15% off clearance
  • Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – 50% off + extra 20% off, sale on sale, plus free shipping on $150+

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

219 Comments

  1. I have a white linen 3/4 sleeve jacket that I wear far more than I ever expected. I found mine at NY & Company for around $40 on sale.

    1. That’s what I think is missing from my closet – a good linen jacket for summer.

      @Sydney Bristow
      Btw, the DH and I watched Alias Season 1 (in real time) all those years ago. We finally acquired all the DVD box sets (from various birthdays, holidays, etc.) We started watching Season 2 over the weekend and remembered how much we loved that series. But as much as Sydney is awesome, I think I’d like to be Irina in 10 years. :-)

      1. I used to wear a lot of linen (perfect for this weather) but just can’t deal with looking like a rumpled bed and can’t spend that much time ironing (or deal with the heat of standing over it). Also, as much as I *want* to be able to wear white, I ended up with something on it almost immediately. I just can’t be trusted to keep it clean.

      2. I completely agree with you about Irina!

        NOLA, the jacket was a test run to see if I could keep it clean before buying a white winter coat. I miraculously managed to keep it clean but then never found the perfect winter coat.

        1. I found the perfect white winter coat (for me and my build) from the VS catalog a few years ago.

          It was an A-Line white wool coat that made me (shaped like a somewhat underfed rectangle) look like I had a waist. Love it. It arrived in a giant box, and when the DH saw me carrying a giant box in from VS, I think he looked all hopeful. And then, when I opened the box and he saw all the plastic for the coat, he had the good grace to pretend he wasn’t slightly disappointed.

    2. I can NOT wear a white blazer b/c it get’s stained, either from eating, or from standeing in the subway’s and peeople rub up against me with their dirty clothes or worse, with food. I had a white blazer that some woman splattered MUSTARD on. I think she did NOT like me b/c she was stareing at me for 2 stops on the METRO (in DC). FOOEY on her! FOOEY!

      Sam want’s me to go to the Hamton’s this weekend with him, but I have NOT worked out enough with Myrna, so I said not yet. Mabye by Labor Day my tuchus will be respecteable enough for him to see it, but NOT before. Myrna is litearally workeing my tuchus off. She made me walk to a STREET FAIR Saturday on 6th Avenue and BACK, and we then had to walk up to Karl Schruz Park and sit. FOOEY! I was VERY tired on Saturday, so ONLEY read the NY Times on Sunday. I think I will have to start doieng the puzzel like Dad does, b/c Sam does it and I want to be at least as smart as him, if he is to MARRY me, he must think I also know alot about thing’s.

      Frank keeps stareing over at me today. I wonder if it is b/c I am wearing a sheer/white blouse? I hope NOT, b/c he is MARRIED and should be thinkeing of his wife, not me and my body. FOOEY on him if he is thinkeing dirty thoughts. My body is for me and my husband onley! Mabye that will be SAM. YAY!!!!!

    3. The design on this jacket keeps it from looking like a lab coat. I hate linen with a passion though.

    4. I have two white blazers for summer and wear them all the time. They have 3/4 sleeves, which avoids the dirty-cuffs issue, and the stay surprisingly clean.

    5. I got two 3/4 sleeve linen jackets from the BP section of Nordstrom (either last year or the year before) that I like for summertime wear.

      1. We might have the same blazer. I really love mine but it’s starting to feel kind of stiff. The washing instructions say dry clean only but I’m wondering if there’s any way to wash it to soften it. Suggestions, anyone?

        1. Mine are frenchi. I’ve noticed that sometimes when they come back from the dry cleaner, they are a little stiffer–I think it’s an issue (for mine, at least) of what the dry cleaner does to the fabric, which might vary a bit between cleanings (not thrilled with this drycleaner). Between the linen and the structure of the blazer, I have been scared to wash it myself.

  2. Has anyone ever washed a boat and tote in the washing machine? Results? I just noticed that mine is nasty, but the tag says spot clean only. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

      1. I want my husband to read that article if only to show him that someone in the world is more obsessed with a boat and tote than I am.

    2. I’ve washed a colored one a few times. A few threads on the bottom got loose but it was improved overall. I also put mine in the dryer.

    3. I have. I’ve also bleached them. No issues at all. I don’t put them in the dryer, though.

      (FWIW, the one I bleached was legit COVERED IN MILDEW and it was my attempt at repair instead of just throwing it out. Lo and behold, my bag (hunter green straps) came out mildew-free and with minimal/none that I noticed color damage). Since then, mine go in the wash all the time.

    4. I have washed and dried mine about once a month with no problems. I use it for camping, running shoes, sweaty yoga clothes and it needs a regular washing. Given their generous return policy, if it does start to fall apart, they will gladly accept the return and issue you a new one.

    6. I have one that is about 15 years old. I washed it once in the washing machine (because it smelled), and the navy straps bled all over the white canvas.

      I still use the crap out of this bag.

  3. Found out this weekend that I am inheriting a little bit of money from my Dad’s estate. Not enough to be life-changing (~22K before taxes). Most of my Dad’s money goes to my stepmother until her death but, honestly, I wasn’t ever expecting anything, so this is just a little windfall. Because it’s an IRA and my Dad was over 70, we can choose to have it paid to us (my brother and I choose separately) over a number of years. Because I don’t need it, I’m thinking about taking it $5K per year until it’s gone. That way I can ameliorate the tax hit and still have the money for the big trip I want to take next year. So I guess this is the reality of the games we’ve been playing. Anybody have thoughts about this? It would be fun to have a couple of splurges.

    1. IF you were considering using part of the inheritance as savings…could you roll it into your own IRA w/out the tax penalty? Not sure of the tax implications of an IRA-to-IRA transfer, but worth exploring?

      1. My brother and I discussed that and, apparently, that’s not possible. He was able to call his financial advisor over the weekend. That might have been possible if my Dad had been younger, but apparently, this is not possible since he is over 70. Also, given the amount of money it is, I’m not sure I’d want it in a separate retirement account.

        1. Gotcha, that makes sense. You have to start withdrawing once you’re 70 so makes sense that the inheritors will do as well.

    2. This may be a dumb question, but why is it taxable – is it the IRA bit? Because I thought it would be tax free to you if it’s from your father.

      1. Yeah, I wondered about that, too, but my brother did check on it. I’m waiting for a call back from my tax accountant.

      2. You don’t get hit with the 10% penalty because it was inherited. But it’s still an IRA, so it’s still taxable as income upon withdrawal. I imagine if it was a Roth IRA, it wouldn’t have the tax issue.

    3. Assuming you have the rest of your financial house in order (credit card debt under control, emergency fund in place, you’re maxing out 401Ks, etc.), little splurges sound wonderful to me!

        1. My enabling side is showing, but if you’re going to splurge, something like a bracelet you’d wear often would be a great way to remember your dad.

          1. Exactly. And that’s something timeless that you can pass down through the family, as well. We have some pieces like that and I love the sentimental value.

          2. Yeah, I guess I’m not sure if I consider this timeless. Mainly because I have a diamond tennis bracelet that I bought for myself years ago and it doesn’t fit my current style (yellow gold) and I stopped wearing it. But this is something I’ve been looking at for a long time. I wonder about passing down through the family – I have no children and my brother has boys.

          3. +1. I really regret how I spent the small inheritance I received from my grandpa when he passed. I would have bought something to remember him by if I could go back & do it again.

          4. Just as an example from my family – one piece that my mom bought with her inheritance turned out to be a small diamond ring that she ended up never wearing. When my then-boyfriend and I were ring shopping, she gave us that ring and we used its value to help buy my engagement ring (we were poor and in college at the time). Now, I think about that ring (and my grandmother that I never met) whenever I wear my engagement ring/wedding band. So in a way, it’s been passed down as well and I”ll always be able to tell people the story of how we bought my engagement ring.

          5. That’s a great idea but we’ve already sort of done that. My mother left me two diamond rings – a vintage ring that she inherited from one of my grandmother’s aunts and her own engagement ring. I wear the vintage ring every day. I gave my mom’s ring to my brother for his boys. They also have my SIL’s mother’s ring, so there’s a ring for each of my nephews.

    4. With all you’ve been through, I say do something fun and do something meaningful. They can be the same thing, but if you and your Dad shared a hobby, it might be nice to take a trip centered around it/donate to a program that teaches kids how to do X/etc. I also think you should take a fun splurge trip that can allow you to unwind and relax.

      1. Actually, the trip I’m talking about above is very meaningful. My Dad used to constantly talk about how my junior year abroad was life-changing for me. How it made me the independent adult I am now and gave me the guts to pick up and move here at age 25 by myself. Next year is the 30th anniversary of that experience. I have stayed close friends with one of the people I met and traveled with during that year. We want to go back to Austria for the first time since 1984. I think it would be very fitting.

        2. I love that. It is so sweet and a great way to honor your dad. If you have any money left over and you feel so inclined, you could always give a little to your alma matter as a scholarship for an abroad program, to help make it affordable for future students. But that’s secondary. Go and have an awesome time!

    5. Yay! I know the answer! This came from the IRS, so it must be right! Who needs a drunk boyfriend when I have the INTERNET! YAY!!

      What if You Inherit an IRA?

      If you inherit a traditional IRA, you are called a beneficiary. A beneficiary can be any person or entity the owner chooses to receive the benefits of the IRA after he or she dies. Beneficiaries of a traditional IRA must include in their gross income any taxable distributions they receive.
      Inherited from spouse. If you inherit a traditional IRA from your spouse, you generally have the following three choices. You can:

      Treat it as your own IRA by designating yourself as the account owner.

      Treat it as your own by rolling it over into your IRA, or to the extent it is taxable, into a:

      Qualified employer plan,

      Qualified employee annuity plan (section 403(a) plan),

      Tax-sheltered annuity plan (section 403(b) plan),

      Deferred compensation plan of a state or local government (section 457 plan), or

      Treat yourself as the beneficiary rather than treating the IRA as your own.

      Treating it as your own. You will be considered to have chosen to treat the IRA as your own if:

      Contributions (including rollover contributions) are made to the inherited IRA, or

      You do not take the required minimum distribution for a year as a beneficiary of the IRA.

      You will only be considered to have chosen to treat the IRA as your own if:

      You are the sole beneficiary of the IRA, and

      You have an unlimited right to withdraw amounts from it.

      However, if you receive a distribution from your deceased spouse’s IRA, you can roll that distribution over into your own IRA within the 60-day time limit, as long as the distribution is not a required distribution, even if you are not the sole beneficiary of your deceased spouse’s IRA. For more information, see When Must You Withdraw Assets? (Required Minimum Distributions) , later.

      Inherited from someone other than spouse. If you inherit a traditional IRA from anyone other than your deceased spouse, you cannot treat the inherited IRA as your own. This means that you cannot make any contributions to the IRA. It also means you cannot roll over any amounts into or out of the inherited IRA. However, you can make a trustee-to-trustee transfer as long as the IRA into which amounts are being moved is set up and maintained in the name of the deceased IRA owner for the benefit of you as beneficiary.

      Like the original owner, you generally will not owe tax on the assets in the IRA until you receive distributions from it. You must begin receiving distributions from the IRA under the rules for distributions that apply to beneficiaries.

      IRA with basis. If you inherit a traditional IRA from a person who had a basis in the IRA because of nondeductible contributions, that basis remains with the IRA. Unless you are the decedent’s spouse and choose to treat the IRA as your own, you cannot combine this basis with any basis you have in your own traditional IRA(s) or any basis in traditional IRA(s) you inherited from other decedents. If you take distributions from both an inherited IRA and your IRA, and each has basis, you must complete separate Forms 8606 to determine the taxable and nontaxable portions of those distributions.

      Federal estate tax deduction. A beneficiary may be able to claim a deduction for estate tax resulting from certain distributions from a traditional IRA. The beneficiary can deduct the estate tax paid on any part of a distribution that is income in respect of a decedent. He or she can take the deduction for the tax year the income is reported. For information on claiming this deduction, see Estate Tax Deduction under Other Tax Information in Publication 559, Survivors, Executors, and Administrators.

      Any taxable part of a distribution that is not income in respect of a decedent is a payment the beneficiary must include in income. However, the beneficiary cannot take any estate tax deduction for this part.

      A surviving spouse can roll over the distribution to another traditional IRA and avoid including it in income for the year received.

  4. Hello dear ladies! I am throwing a surprise 40th birthday for my dear hubby very soon. The party will take place during a family reunion where about 25 people will be in attendance (about 10 of those are kids ranging from infants to tweens). This is a family that LOVES games, so I was hoping to incorporate some birthday related games. Any ideas? Ideally looking for games that I can specifically cater towards my husband (not just some random games that have nothing to do with him).

    ANY ideas would be greatly appreciated. I have looked around online and didn’t really find anything good.

    If anyone has other ideas on making this surprise party special, please share as well. I have already created a 40th birthday message book with lots of photos and notes from his friends/family, and I am also planning to create a slideshow at the party that shows old photos of my hubby with his family, friends, etc.

    Thank you in advance!

    1. Anybody remember the “Newlywed Game”? Newlyweds answer questions to show how much they know about their new spouses.

      Perhaps have family members answer trivia questions to show how much they know about your husband.

    2. I went to a birthday party where the guests were all given the names of a famous person. Then the guest of honor had to ask people questions to figure out who they were. We had everyone from Kim Jong Il to Lady Gaga to Empress Josephine.

    3. Is it an outside/picnic style party? Could you tweak some traditional lawn games to be DH themed? My personal preference would be to make a cornhole game with DH’s face. But I’m obnoxious enough to actually do that.

      Or if you’re inside, could you do DH-themed “telephone Pictionary” or play catchphrase except make the phrases related to DH?

    4. We recently did a family-themed Jeopardy game – could you do this for your husband? Put together a board with various categories (quotes, embarrassing moments, food, etc.) and split the family up into teams to compete. It took some advance work to talk to a bunch of friends/family to get the information for questions/answers, but was fun.

  5. This weekend DH emptied his pockets and pulled out something that looked like a contact case for someone with three eyes. I asked what it was. He seemed pretty embarrassed and uncomfortable and said it was some sort of diet pill. I dropped it for the moment since I wasn’t sure how to react and didn’t want to make him feel even worse. I’ve since done some research and it looks like this is Alli. Google has indicated there is a slight risk of liver damage but other than that the only risk is…let’s call it “dribbling.” If it matters DH is slightly overweight and has been gaining weight in recent years and he used to be borderline obese [5-10yr before we met]. He also doesn’t eat smart – likes free food, thinks that if something is “healthy” you can eat as much as you want [think guac], and also likes to drink socially and has a high tolerance for alcohol, thus can easily drink 500+ calories when hanging out with friends. And he hates exercising in the morning so he doesn’t exercise much since he works late and travels a lot for work.

    The pills bother me on a few levels. First – it seems like cheating. I’m trying to lose weight too but I wouldn’t take diet pills [or at least I don’t think I would]. Second – what if there are long-term risks that we don’t know about yet, like with those Phen Phen pills [f I remember and spell correctly] from a decade or two back? Third – it bothers me that he started doing this without telling me and probably wouldn’t have told me ever except that I saw the pill case. [Then again there is often a tension between us where I want him to share more than he does – about plans, workday, whatever, little things. So this is maybe another example of that.] Fourth – we have a 16-mo.-old daughter [our only child so far] and I would never want her to think that we chose or needed diet pills or that they are okay for her.

    I guess I am wondering – are [any of] my concerns valid or am I being an invasive overbearing intermeddling nag? How should I talk about this with DH if at all? If others have dealt with something similar I would love to hear.

    1. He’s your husband. You’re not being an “invasive overbearing intermeddling nag.” I think it’s odd that he doesn’t share more with you, and if I were you, this would make me want couples counseling so that he could become more comfortable sharing his life with me.

      1. I’d want to know, but I’d recognize it was outside the scope of my beeswax and admit it. To be fair, I’m super nosey and it drives DH up the wall…but as long as I preface my butting in, he’s usually much more receptive.

        “I know it’s none of my business, but I was wondering how your _________ is coming along.” Etc.

        You can straight up talk to him about this one. Talk to him about the struggles of weight loss, how you’ve looked at options like this and are curious about his thoughts/opinion so far (is it working for him?!). Bring up side effects if you want– “I’ve thought about doing it too but X or Y really had me freaked out. Have you had any problems?”

        Re: your 16 month old, I’d call it a non-issue for now. She doesn’t know what dad’s medicine does.

    2. I think he probably didn’t tell you because he thought you’d be judgy about it. And obviously he was right. Consider another view of diet pills: Ally has been through the same FDA approval process as any other drug, losing weight presents different challenges to different people, he wants some extra help, there’s a legal way to get it, and he’s embracing this as a tool for better health. Your daughter is 16 months old- this has nothing to do with her. Do you consider anti-depressants cheating too?

      3. I have to disagree on the point that he was hiding it from her. I’d be just as upset if DH were hiding anti-depressants from me.

        1. I agree with this entirely. I’m not sure I’d be thrilled about the diet pills, but it’s something I’d want to learn more about and talk through. I would be upset if my DH hid a medication from me.

      4. I would agree – it turns out that your husband was right – you are judgy about diet pills. By calling them cheating – you’re telling him that he’s taking the easy way out and that’s insulting. I don’t blame him for not telling you. I can see why you’d be upset about him not communicating but I think your reaction says exactly why. It sounds like he lives a lifestyle a lot of us do where sometimes, its hard to get to the gym and he’s just trying to get some extra help.

        Maybe try being supportive of him and see if your communication problems solve themselves.

        1. Also, trying to lose weight “the right way” requires A LOT of behavior modification when it comes to food choices and exercise. It’s not an easy thing. Definitely try to support him without inserting your method of doing things.

      5. +1

        I hate the all-too-common idea that overweight people are required to suffer as much as possible in order to lose weight the “right” way, without “cheating.” Sheesh. If it works, I’m all for it. And if I were married to somebody who would shame me for trying diet pills, I’d keep it to myself, too.

        1. +2 on all levels. For what it’s worth, I tried those long before they were over the counter, when they were just plain old orlistat. Didn’t work, and I didn’t really have any of the possible side effects. It’s just about the safest diet drug out there, and if it had worked for me, that would have been great. It isn’t like he is on some crazy phen-fen combo that might give him a heart attack.

          DH and I share everything, so if it were my relationship, it would really, really freak me out. Your relationship may be different, but maybe this is why…

          It’s tough to lose weight. Even just a little bit, like 10 pounds. If there is ever a way to make that fast and easy without endangering my health and/or having surgery, sign me up for that “cheat” list!

      6. I completely agree with this. And I don’t think the “hiding” is time to rush to marriage counseling levels either. I would equate this to a lot of other health things that are potentially embarrassing. I wouldn’t feel the least bit upset if it were my husband–and I wouldn’t expect to have to share it with mine either if it were me, any more than needing to tell him about a yeast infection, fibroid, laser skin treatment to get rid of age spots, etc. I think everyone married or not has a right to some degree of privacy. And the fact that your reaction is to start judging, Googling , and bringing your daughter into something that has nothing to do with her may be all the more reason he isn’t talking to you about this. I do the same sorts of editing with my overreactive mother. This is a decision between him and his physician. Back off.

        1. Wow, I don’t entirely disagree with what you’re saying, but this seems to get a bit mean towards the end.

    3. I don’t think you are being an invasive, overbearing…nag, but I do think that your post suggests that you have some pretty strong feelings about diet pills (Alli). I tend to share your feelings, but I don’t know if they are rational or not. I believe that this pill has been tested and has FDA approval to be sold over the counter. It may be “cheating” but it may also be safer than the prior generation. Ultimately, it’s hard to parse out from your post whether you just generally don’t want him to take diet pills or whether you feel bad because he didn’t tell you about it. With regard to the first point, he is an adult, but it’s perfectly fine for you to express (to him) your opinions and concerns. I’d talk to my doctor first so that I knew more about the medication so that I could be fully educated. With regard to the second point, I agree with the poster above-I’d like to know more from my hubby why he did not share this information in advance. It may be because he’s just embarrassed about his weight/need for diet pills, but hopefully he would respect your concerns and your desire for more info.

      1. As someone who also struggles with my weight, I feel like you are being a bit harsh on him. I’d be upset if my husband was on me to lose weight, but then considered whatever method I was using to be cheating. With this particular medication, my understanding is that if you don’t eat a pretty clean diet then you get these side effects. Which may be the motivation that some folks need to get them used to eating better. So, he may be embarrassed to admit if that sort of motivation is working for him. Along those lines, can you have him visit a nutritionist and both of you can meal plan/cook/shop so that the whole family is eating healthy?

    4. I wonder how much Concern #3 (him not sharing) is tainting your feelings about the diet pills. Your post reads like you feel betrayed, which is a completely reasonable reaction to your partner not sharing something with you that you feel like he should share. I would probably approach this as an example of a broader issue.

      The not sharing issue aside, though, taking diet pills doesn’t seem like that big a deal to me. DH is a grown man, he doesn’t need your permission to take diet pills if that’s what he’s decided to do. Assuming he’s not abusing the pills or otherwise putting his health in danger, you telling him that you’re morally opposed to diet pills because they’re “cheating” isn’t really constructive. It might be different if your daughter were a pre-teen, but at 16 months, I really can’t see how she would be affected by DH trying out diet pills. On the bright side, it seems like DH is taking more of an interest in his health, so maybe he will become more open to eating better and working out too.

      1. I like this. But also check yourself that it isn’t the other way round. Would you be this upset if he had secretly commenced a vitamin regimen? Or started drinking spinach shakes at work? I don’t disagree that a conversation about making health decisions together is a good idea, but that conversation will go a lot better if you’ve really thought this through.

        1. Not to be too morbid, but what if something happened to your partner, and you had to give a medical history? What would you want to be able to tell the doctor? Definitely about diet pills, probably about vitamins, probably not about spinach shakes.

          1. Just an FYI, you really should tell your doctor what vitamins you are taking. A lot of people don’t think to tell their doctors because they think it is a non-issue, but vitamins can have severe interactions with some medications, and depending on the dosage, severe side effects on their own.

        2. I don’t disagree, but I think that OP’s concerns about the health risks are also well-founded. I know that Ally is FDA-approved, but so many diet pills have had so many terrible, long-lasting effects, which I don’t think is a major concern about spinach shakes.

    5. This sounds like a communication issue more than anything else. Kind of like if you were to hide a splurgy purchase from him because you were worried that he would react poorly, but with the added health concern thrown in.

      I would suggest counseling for both of you so that you can develop better communication habits. It sounds like (1) he is not as ready to share everything, details etc., with you (why?), and (2) you may make (1) worse by being judgy about what he does share with you >>> end result is a bad communication loop and bad feelings between you.

    6. So Alli is interesting because if your husband eats the way he currently does and takes it, he’s in for more than ‘dribbling.’ I tried it and for me it was eat healthy low fat choices, you feel okay. Eat poor/overeat/higher fat content and I was sprinting faster than Usain Bolt to the bathroom. Ultimately, I came off it because I realized I didn’t want the motivation to be can I eat this and not sh*t my pants. Good learning lesson though.

      I will say, to me, your post seems that you’re concerned he’s not losing weight the *right* way. You have to let that go; it’s not a competition. If he wants to eat guac until he turns green, he’s not going to lose weight and he needs to figure that out for himself. I know you mean it out of love, but you can’t help a person who doesn’t want your help. Trying to force a person on a specific path is just going to make them resent you.

      I think you could say, I wish you had told me that you were taking things (medical emergency for example). You can say you’re concerned about your weight too and together decide how you handle common meals (dinner).

      1. +1 for “faster than Usain Bolt” :)

        Also like the way you framed it as “how to handle common meals together”

        1. I think the weight I lost from it, was mostly from doing laps to the bathroom. But it was like a lightbulb went off in my head. If I’m willing to sh*t myself to lose weight, I might as well start watching what I eat. In that sense, it was very helpful!

      2. I can understand OP being upset about diet pills. Just because something is FDA approved doesn’t mean it’s good for you. I am suprised to see the chorus of, “government approved it, so it’s totally okay.” I can’t be the only one to listen to some of the side-effects for the drugs that are advertised. Yes, there are pills a person needs and there are pills where the benefits of the pill for a patient outweigh their side effects, but I can see how one could be concerned about diet pills (esp. ones that could lead to liver damage if your husband has a high capacity for alcohol).

        I don’t think it’s cheating, but I also do see why OP would have wanted the H to discuss it with her.

        But more than anything I agree with L that if the H doesn’t change his approach to food, this pill won’t do much for him. OP said she is trying to lose weight too, maybe they can go on a health improvement program together — try to eat better at home, bring more home-made lunches, go for walks at night/weekends with the daughter, etc. I’m not trying to imply that OP should try to be responsible for her H’s eating habits, but I think if the more health-minded person takes charge of meal planning and food shopping, it makes it easier to eat well. And while guac may not be optimal in unlimited quantities, I would give the H a pass on all fruits and veggies and other unprocessed treats.

    7. I don’t think you get the right to control how someone chooses to lose weight just because you are married. If I was your DH I would not want you to meddle with my personal choices. I think this is one where you back off.

    8. I agree it’s important not to sound judgmental of your husband when you talk to him, but I also understand your discomfort with the diet pills. It sounds like your husband has some unhealthy eating habits, and is using diet pills to avoid recognizing the unhealthiness of those habits and changing them. This would bother me, too. I would try to talk to him about the whole family eating healthier, and your discomfort with his taking medication without telling you, as non-judgmentally as possible.

      1. Also, while your daughter is too young now to realize what’s going on, if your husband loses weight with the pills without changing his eating habits, he’s just going to gain it back. Is his plan to re-gain the weight, then use pills to lose it, the yo-you back and forth throughout your daughter’s childhood? I wouldn’t want to model that behavior for her, either.

        So many commenters seem to be getting down on the OP for her thoughts and feelings on this, but they seem pretty reasonable to me, so long as she can address them calmly and kindly with her husband.

        1. What would happen if their daughter saw him loose and gain weight and not eat healthfully? She could see a man happy, a good father, a caring husband, and realize that being fat isn’t a character flaw. Or, she could see mom “non-judgmentally” “helping” him make “good” decisions about his “health” and learn that above all else it’s crucial to not be fat.

          1. I have to say, I agree with Eleanor on that last comment. I understand what many people here are saying about being non-judgmental, but please also keep in mind that OP came here for advice and I really don’t think it’s right to get so down on her for it.

            Concerns about diet pills are legitimate for health reasons. I’ve heard some great success stories from people that have taken Alli, but by and large there are a lot of really harrowing, long-lasting side effects of diet pills, and OP’s concern is not unreasonable.

            Anne Shirley, I think that your above comment is making a pretty nasty assumption about Eleanor’s suggestion. If OP is concerned about her and her husband’s health, then maybe setting an example of eating healthily for her daughter is important to her, and it’s not your job to tell her that that’s wrong.

        2. I think it’s because there are few topics touchier for people than food and weight. I agree with you, OP’s concerns seem reasonable.

    9. I was intrigued enough that I asked DH for his perspective on this. His reply was that if your DH didn’t straight up tell you, it’s because he knows you’ll disapprove on some level/ is ashamed/ wants to hide it. Otherwise, there’s no reason for him to have NOT told you.

      Direct quote: “what if his carcass keels over and she has to take him to the ER? wouldn’t it be nice to know he had just taken diet pills that monkey with your blood pressure?”

      DH also wanted to know if y’all had some kind of lose-weight-together pact he’s “cheating on” that you might be annoyed by…because he said he’d be outraged if we had a competition going and I took performance enhancers w/out telling him ;)

      1. Thanks for everyone’s comments. I would point out that I too am overweight and sensitive to how difficult it is to change diet and exercise. I am unhappy with my appearance [and I would have tried diet pills back in middle school/HS if I had known what they were which is partly why I am concerned about my DH’s health and my daughter’s – I put myself on my first diet when I was 8, which is not *that* long away for our daughter]. I have been extremely gentle with DH on weight issues – it is his own self criticism and complaining about his body, I tell him I love him and am attracted to him and I never criticize his appearance or size and I do keep healthy snacks and food at home and I don’t groan every time he orders a drink or snack. I sometimes discuss my own frustrations with my weight but I never comment on his body size. Although perhaps we both need to stop talking negatively about our own bodies. Also I basically nodded and said okay when he mumbled about the diet pills and then I changed the subject since he was obviously unhappy. Having read the many comments, it seems to me that our real issue is that he is ashamed to discuss and I am afraid to start a conversation that he might not like or where I may sound harsh or hurt his feelings. Anyway thanks all for your thoughts even the more critical ones as they’ve all helped me clarify my own thinking.

        1. For you, if you’re open to it, I would suggest reading Sarah Jenks’ blog (sarahjenks.com). She’s a weight loss coach but emphasizes “live more [in order to] weigh less” and I find her weekly (ish) emails and blog posts inspiring (even though I’m not trying to lose weight).

        2. Good luck. I know it’s not easy hearing these harsh things. I hope things progress for the better. Please check in from time to time.

        3. One of the biggest things my DH and I fight about is healthy food. He drinks soda constantly, his family eats big unhealthy meals, and then he complains about how he has a few extra pounds that he wants to lose. (My MIL is skinny, but also goes on “diets” pretty regularly that entail skipping meals entirely, doesn’t exercise. I think that’s extremely unhealthy, but that’s a different topic.)

          I don’t know what the solution is. I have encouraged DH to exercise, bought him books with meal/exercise plans, volunteered to exercise with him. He can never stick to anything for longer than about a week or two, and then gets discouraged that “it doesn’t work” and gives up.

          I just want us to eat healthy meals at home, exercise enough not to get obese, and be happy with our sizes. That’s pretty much where I am, even though I am not skinny either.

          This is so frustrating. I’m not sure how to help you, except to say that you are not alone at all.

        4. I do think you both need to stop talking about your bodies negatively if you are concerned about impact on your daughter. I say this as someone who is considerably overweight and very much needs to lose weight. Do not talk badly about yourself in front of your daughter.

          My husband, who is barely overweight, is very guilty of calling himself “fat,” etc., and I constantly encourage him to stop (not in front of our children). It’s bad for his psyche and bad for the kids.

  6. I’m looking for some advice regarding cell phone service in Korea and China. My husband will be in South Korea for two weeks and is then traveling immediately to China for a week (all for work). DH has a personal iPhone, which I understand will not work in South Korea and China, and his employer does not have any provisions for alternative cell phone service (i.e., they don’t provide a BlackBerry with international service or anything like that). DH is pretty worried about traveling to these countries for the first time and on his own, and I think he’d feel better if he had a cell phone that actually worked in those countries (even if just for emergencies). Does anyone have any recommendations? Should he buy a cheap phone, like a pay-as-you-go, in Korea? Would it work in China?

    1. No sure who your carrier is, but I arrange international coverage for iPhone users all the time, and to those countries. Call the carrier and ask for some international minutes/data/texts. There should be different packages so you will know up front how much you are spending. It’s certainly not free, but it sounds like a couple of hundred dollars would ensure peace of mind on all sides.

    2. In Korea, he’ll be wifi hotspots pretty often, but if I recall correctly, public wifi asks for registration (citizen no. or resident alien no.), which I didn’t have. Definitely check with your carrier first.

      Also, at Incheon, they have cell phone rentals (which I’ve never done).

      As a last resort, there should be tons of “PC Bangs” aka wifi cafes/gaming places.

    3. I see plenty of mobile-phone rental booths on arrival at Incheon and the coastal cities in China – they set you up with the phone and a pre-paid card, and you drop it off upon departure, and I think would be the most foreigner-friendly in terms of having English-speaking staff on the spot. The Chinese cards start at USD 10 – 15 I think.

      But if your hubby has someone in Korea to help him locate an outside phone vendor plus card, then sure. On whether it’ll work in China, I’d take a guess ‘yes’ if it’s 3G-enabled, based on my phones working fine everywhere now (not the case 5 – 6 years back).

      Hope this helps.

    4. I don’t know about China, but as B said, Incheon airport has cell phone rentals. I did that when I was in South Korea, and I thought the pricing was pretty reasonable although I honestly didn’t use it that much. He can book the phone online before he leaves and then pick it up when he gets there.

    5. For security purposes, I would buy a cheap pay as you go or rent a phone upon arrival in each country and then trash it when I leave that country (assuming I bought). I would not want to bring my personal iPhone or my work blackberry with me to either country.

      1. I’ve worked in China for several years. Phones and phone plans are very cheap. Depending on the city (eg Beijing/Shanghai), a SIM card with more than enough credit for a week’s stay shouldn’t cost more than $15. A throw-away phone wouldn’t be all that much more either. His hotel should be able to help track one down if he doesn’t find one at the airport on arrival. If he buys a SIM-card phone in Korea, he’ll just need to get a local SIM card in China — the same phone will work both places.

        As “Cell phone” said above, I wouldn’t take my work phone with me at all, for security purposes. Also, Skype and other chat services (and even gmail) are routinely blocked in China, depending on location and whatever political decisions have been made that month. But the country itself is very safe, and if he’s in a large city, based out of a hotel, he won’t have any problem with everyday activities. Watch out for pickpockets though.

    6. What about skype? I’m no expert, but that’s what my husband used to make calls while in China. (He used a secondary “clean” laptop, having left his main work laptop (with secure info) in the states.

    7. Second the advice to get a cheap phone and a SIM card on arrival. There should be booths in the airport upon arrival in china, with English-speakers who can help him find one that will work. Also, if he can get wifi on his iphone, he should be able to access Skype, viber (app for making free calls), and WhatsApp (app for texting). You should get those apps on your phone too and then you can add eachother.

  7. Can anyone recommend a good file storage box (for the home). I have a desk with file drawers for important things I can access easily, but would like to pack away things I don’t need as often but still want to keep in paper form (old tax returns, documents related to our old home, for example). It seems like the only thing I can find are glorified card board boxes. I would really prefer plastic or some other material.

    1. Whenever I have a question about something like this, the Container Store always has the answer. I’d try there first.

  8. Thought all you legal women in the hive would make this the perfect place to ask this question:
    Both my husband and I have recently started our proper post-grad school, long-term careers, and were wondering 1) if we need to have a “general purpose” lawyer for wills and other legal admin and to refer us to other specialties as needed and 2) if we do, how do we go about finding one?

    I’m in the Boston area if that matters. My husband’s parents always had a “default” lawyer that they could call, but my parents didn’t, so I’m not sure what is the responsible thing to do. We also don’t have any close friends who are established lawyers (just ones that are 1-2 years out of law school), so did not know who to ask.

    Thanks!

    1. Having a will and someone to refer you to other specialists is a good idea. I practice in this area and can help you, if you want. You can email me at diana barry r e t t e (all one word) at gmail.

    2. You should at least have a will and medical powers of attorney for each other. This is particularly true if you both have parents still living. Just as an example, if you have no children yet, and your husband were to die, you get the first $200k of his estate plus half of the rest, but his parents get the other half. Probably not the result that he would intend. Also, if your husband end up on life support, you wouldn’t want to be fighting with his parents about who gets to make his medical decisions. Also a lawyer can give you advice about how to structure the assets you do have so as to avoid estate taxes — for instance, setting up a trust and then naming the trust as the beneficiary of any life insurance policies in order to keep the insurance proceeds out of the taxable estate. None of this is terribly complicated, but all important to do, and then to meet with your lawyer every few years (or after any life-changing circumstances like having a baby) just to make sure that your plan still makes sense for you. Ask your friends who are lawyers if they could ask someone more senior in their law firms who they recommend or use themselves.

      1. Ugh, really? We need wills/medical power of attorney pronto then. I always assumed I am the default beneficiary (although I guess I am the stated one on all his financial accounts). Definitely do not want to have to deal with his parents. His mother is one of those “I like to make you financially dependent on me so I can control your life” types. :P

    3. Having a will done is definitely a good idea, but, unless you have some more complicated than normal issue (say, own a small business), I don’t think that there’s any reason to have a “default” lawyer. I recently worked in a general practice firm, and, while we had repeat customers a lot (the person who got into a car accident last year now wants to get divorced, etc.), the only people who came to us as “their lawyers” were business owners and similar. I don’t see a reason that most people would want or need to just “have a lawyer.”

  9. I’m applying online for jobs while currently employed. This may be a stupid question, but will potential employers try to contact my current employer? Obviously they don’t know I’m job searching and it would be horrible if they found out this way. I’ve listed completely different people as references, but is there any general rule about this?

    1. It’s very common to request that they don’t contact your current employer until an offer has been made. I would remove any references at your current job from your reference list (and generally, I don’t provide references until requested, and just say “References available upon request.”). Most employers are aware of how this process works and won’t jeopardize your current job.

      1. That’s good to know about not offering references up front. I’m used to applying through career services which required everything up front. The few jobs I’ve started applying to all have web firms and I couldn’t see anywhere besides the cover letter to request they not contact a current employer, which seemed odd. But I guess not if they generally know better.

        1. I’m sure you’ll get some great advice here, but you should also check out Ask A Manager (blog). She has a ton of job-hunt resources, including lots of Q&A situations dealing with this very issue.

  10. Hi ladies –

    I’ve recently taken on a bigger management role in my organization and am beginning to manage people who were my peers in the organization (!!). I’d love to read some great books on how to be a good manager and would love some recs. FWIW, I really loved Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office and found it to be tremendously helpful, and I also really liked Lean In. If anyone has book suggestions on how to be a great manager, especially when you are managing people who were your peers, I would appreciate them.

  11. What is standard etiquette for condolences when the person is one level above who you directly report to? This person’s child, who is my age, passed away unexpectedly on Friday.

    I have actually chatted with the person on several occassions, but I’m not sure if they would link my name/face, as the person is a named executive officer, and so does interact with a variety of employees (though we are on the same floor). I do feel as though sending condolences are in order, and their assistant was clear that she would collect cards, etc, I just don’t know if I’m stepping outside the scope of our business relationship by dropping off a note expressing my sympathies.

    1. Not at all. I would send something sincere and not worry about it. I am sure they would appreciate the sentiment even if they didn’t connect your face to it.

    2. In my opinion, standard human-to-human etiquette applies here, without much regard to company pecking order. I would absolutely send a card with my condolences. What an awful thing to endure.

    3. I agree. When one of my in-laws lost a young adult child, she couldn’t bear to open the cards, but just the stack of envelopes gave her comfort that people were thinking of her.

  12. Can anyone recommend a facial toner from the drugstore? I don’t use it all the time, but after exfoliating or when super dry I find that it helps. Thanks!

    1. I used to use witch hazel as a toner. You can get it in the first aid section and it’s only like 6 bucks.

      1. This is what I just started using. Dickenson’s. You can get it at Whole Foods and lots of other places.

      1. I also use this one and love it. Refreshing, smells great, doesn’t leave a film and is alcohol free.

  13. I know we’ve had a lot of conversations here recently about how to prepare for working non-stop–most specifically with folks who are about to enter BigLaw–but can we talk about strategies for supporting a spouse or a partner who is working non-stop? My partner has been working twelve-to-eighteen-hour days all month, with exactly two days off so far (that’s right–no weekends)–we’re anticipating this schedule to continue until the end of the summer.

    For those of you who have been the one with the crazy work schedule, was there anything you really loved having your partner do to support you? (Or wished your partner had done?) I’m looking for suggestions across the board, from the mundane (like putting away laundry–got it) to more philosophical/emotional.

    Thanks, friends.

    1. -If I know I’ll be home for dinner (i.e., sometime before 9:30) but not exactly when, he’ll wait to eat with me, even if it’s just bread + cheese + soup, sometimes with an awesome after-dinner shoulder massage
      -If I’ll be home after bedtime, he leaves my PJs and robe out so I don’t have fumble around in the dark bedroom (plus the hangers for the clothes I was wearing)
      -Occasional surprise notes in my tote
      -Reminds me that no one notices that I’ve worn my hair in an almost-all-the-way blown out ponytail every day for three weeks and hey it looks cute anyway!

    2. Is it possible to meet your partner for lunch or dinner? You both have to eat sometime, so if at all possible this is a great way to see each other.

      If it’s not possible to see each other for more than an hour or so, make sure to set aside some time to talk during the day, or at worst, if you skip a day schedule a time for the next one. I think the key is for you to enjoy this time doing things on your own, but to not lose touch checking in with the other person. Also, if your partner needs to vent about work, you should be there to listen but make sure that you have some time to share things about your day too.

    3. Most of those lists involve automating your life, so if you can do any of those things, like laundry, then great. It sounds like you know that this phase has an end date. So to the extent that you can hold back on complaining or being resentful of the extra burdens on you (those feelings are understandable), that is great. Alos, knowing that my husband is committed to me advancing in my career and tells me as much helps us both feel like we are on the same team. I am likewise supportive during his busy times.

      1. +1 to holding back on complaining. Both my fiance and I go through periods of working non-stop, and we both find it really supportive if the other person just picks up the extra slack without saying a peep.

        Also, I find it really helpful if every once in awhile he asks me what he can do to help. I get so used to being independent that I usually don’t even think to ask for help with little things like picking up dry cleaning or whatever.

        Finally, sending a hug your way. It can get so stressful and lonely when your SO is working all the time. When your SO gets a break, ask him/her to take you out or do something nice to thank you for being so awesome :)

        1. Aww, thanks for the hug, Nordies Lover. One of his days off was actually last Thursday, so we got to go see Shakespeare in the Park together and actually see each other during daylight hours. So exciting! (The whole situation is exacerbated by the fact that I was out of the country for the first half of the month and then started a new job promptly upon returning–so we *really* haven’t seen each other.)

      2. This, exactly. Sometimes my husband will complain a little or get upset or sad when I have to leave for another trip, etc. It’s completely understandable that he feels that way, but it makes me feel so.bad. We can talk about the sad feelings when it’s all over, but talking about it in the middle of a crap month just makes it so much worse. If you have a friend you can vent to about it rather than telling your partner, I’d recommend doing that.

    4. My s/o will swing by with lunch/snack/coffee if he knows I’m going through a busy period. He also walked the dog to the office a couple times which makes the best ten minute break ever.

        1. I love it! Unfortunately what is keeping him so busy is a new restaurant–somehow I don’t think it’d go over well if I brought the cats by for a visit . . . (but the mental image is entertaining!)

    5. When I’m in trial, my DH makes dinner for me, pours me a glass of wine, and then leaves me alone to continue working. Cooking is not his strongest skill but I would probably otherwise not eat.

  14. Travel threadjack for you helpful ladies. I’ll be on the Rhode Island coast for Labor Day weekend, near Point Judith. We’re planning on a relaxing stay of beach/walking, biking, and eating, and maybe hitting a winery on the way home — if it’s rainy or cool at least our room is cozy :) We’re thinking about going to Block Island for a day trip on the ferry, and maybe driving to Newport for a nice lunch or dinner one of the other days… suggestions welcome, especially for food!

    1. Newport – take a walk on the cliff walk, along side the mansions. Lovely.

      If you want classic Rhode Island food – head for the simple seafood shacks closer to the water. This is not a time for grand cuisine, but to enjoy the local fresh seafood in a scenic locale. Make sure you try some clam cakes (a Rhode Island favorite – simple, tasty and addictive for me as a child!) and steamers (steamed little necked clams) at some point.

      http://chowhound.chow.com/topics/862951#7519113

  15. I left my partner of 4 years this weekend. I’ve posted about it here many times under many names so I never seemed quite as pathetic as I felt. The apartment is in my name but I’m dislocated this week so he can move out. He’s not really accepting of this even though I physically left and haven’t seen him since Friday. Sent flowers to my parents house, lots of emails with ideas to ‘fix’ things – even though I’ve told him that it’s not about ‘fixing’ anymore. I had been thinking about the break up for some time. Things haven’t been good for awhile – issues of compatibility. Of course he swears everything will change – actually here’s this for a laugh, he says he has ALREADY changed. Ha, right, because 30 years of fundamental personality traits can change overnight. I’m trying to stay strong and remember why I did this – why I’ve been wanting to. But I’m only remembering the good things right now and it’s so painful. I know nothing is unchangeable, but I just wish I could know for certain either way, which is the right choice. I wish I could fast forward.

      2. Yes, both are in order here. As are tea & sympathy.

        Stay strong – you are doing the right thing. If someone’s not compatible, they’re not compatible. Also, sh!t that was annoying that you told them to stop doing, but which they ignored and dragged their feet on, that he *says* he’s suddenly willing to change — very telling, and not in a good way.

        The prospect of a future with someone who only responds (possibly without any real intention of following through) to dire threats, seems abysmal to me. You’re not missing too much; and yes, someone better is out there, and you deserve to find someone you are compatible with, who tries as hard to please you as you try to please him.

        1. Well said, Susedna. In fact, people who change their behavior only in response to the potential of you leaving them are going to flip back whenever they’re on safe footing again, and/or start resenting you for having to change themselves. You (and he) are better off being with someone who doesn’t need to change in order to be compatible with you.

    4. So many hugs.

      If you’ve known for a while, and it is basic compatibility issues, chances are pretty darn good that this was the right decision. It will be hella rough, but you will come out the other end relieved. And if he really can change in a way that would make a difference, and a couple of months down the line you are still only thinking of the good stuff – like you say, it isn’t unchangeable.

      Sending you ALL the strength and good thoughts.

    5. This is so hard and I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Is there any way you can set up a filter in your email to either 1) block his emails or 2) set them to skip your inbox and be archived, so you don’t have to see them all right now?

      But stay strong. We’ll all be thinking of you. You can get through this.

    6. More hugs! If it’s possible I’d really encourage you to talk this through/vent with a good friend, preferably one that you may have complained about him to during the relationship. It can sometimes help to put things into perspective and get you past the tendency to only remember the good things. The intent, of course, is not to turn it into cynical sh*t-slinging, but to talk about it with someone who has a more objective view.

      Also – I obviously don’t know you or your situation, but based on how you described it I’ve seen this situation play out so many times and leaving was ALWAYS the right decision.

    7. If you feel comfortable posting your city, I’m sure someone would buy you a drink. Or ice cream. Or both.

      I agree with P on leaving and would add that for someone to say they’ve changed in a weekend, means they really don’t get it. But, you now get to get started with the next part of your life.

    8. Big internet hugs to you! I left my husband of 14 years a few months ago so I totally know how you feel! Congratulations on making the move now instead of ten years from now! It’s going to suck for a while, but you are a strong woman and you will be fine!

      As for whether you are making the right choice, I’ll tell you my experience: I tried to leave my husband twice before, and each time he convinced me to stay with promises of change. And each time, of course, the change was shortlived and I ended up regretting going back. Be strong and you will only have to go through this once!

  16. I had big plans for DH’s anniversary gift this year, but he recently got laid off, and with a baby on the way, we put ourselves on a pretty strict budget. (I had been planning on doing a surprise babymoon).

    Anyone have any ideas for a great anniversary gift that won’t break the bank? Anything in the > $250 range is fine, but the less $$ the better. I’d defer to the old standby of $exy lingerie, but at 8+ months pregnant, it’s really not in the cards this year.

    The traditional gift is flowers/food (4 years), so wine/champagne would be great…but kind of a one-sided celebration given the baby…

      1. Eating out is the easiest thing to cut from our budget…so my preference is to either save the money or get an actual gift.

        I’m working on a big slideshow of photos of us from our almost 10 years together (4 married)….am considering showing it to the tune of “glory days” with the implication that this baby marks the end of an era ;) I know that’s the sort of things folks on this board may take the wrong way, but for us…it’s just a big change. We’ve been living young and care free and our days of bar hopping and luxury cars are going to change. And we’re psyched for it. But it’s a change nonetheless.

        1. It seems like having a nice dinner would be a great gift, since it’s something that has been otherwise cut from your budget.

          Would your husband appreciate a photobook? The slideshow is nice, but a photobook could also be a really nice way to remind him of the favorite parts of your pre-baby days and to get excited about the next chapter, so to speak. You could do a book along with the slideshow, if you really want to do the slideshow.

    2. This is a great time to do activities that you can’t do once baby’s here! So instead of a babymoon maybe a one night stay downtown in a fancy hotel with spa and pool? Or an unusual show or broadway play or a day trip to a nearby seaside resort town with an overnight (or not) stay? Tickets to a movie theater where they serve food or drinks at your seat, one where they show golden oldies, or maybe a fondue place?

    3. What about going to the first place you met or the place you had your first date?

      1. That would be hilarious, since we met at a frat party as college seniors. Would love to be two 30-somethings rolling into a frat basement on a Saturday night, ready to give birth ;). Maybe for our 10 year? :)

        1. Haha, what about going back to campus if its nearby and spend some time wandering around, have a picnic, exchange small gifts, etc. I like reminiscing :-)

    4. Not sure about the cost of this, but how about scheduling a series of professional photos for after the baby arrives?

    1. I’m absolutely positive that the entire purpose of this acquisition is so that the Bay can compete with Nordie’s.

  19. Can I just rant a little bit about bras? I used to die of embarrassment when I was little and my mother would take her bra off as soon as we got home – and now I do the same. thing. I’m relatively small-busted (34B), but I just find bras uncomfortable and constricting – and while I can get away without one in the evenings and on the weekends, I really do need to wear one to work :)

    So yesterday I ended up at Nordstrom hunting for something I could stand to wear and tried the Spanx Bra-lleluja – I think someone mentioned it in an NAS haul post last week. It’s close to what I want – soft back, racer-back straps, front clasp – but still has underwires, which are the devil, and the straps are really wide. I bought it anyway, took it home, and spent about 20 minutes doing alterations (removed the underwires, took in the back with darts near the cups, narrowed the straps) and have ended up with a bra that I’m not wanting to claw my way out of. Maybe. It’s only 10 AM.

    2. Have you ever tried the Coobie? It’s the only thing that has gotten me out of sports bras when I’m not at work. No wires. Stretchy. It’s like a non-compression sports bra with cami straps and foam so no headlights.

      I’m a 30D and there’s precious little out there even if I try to go up to a 32 band (it’s either just nylon or completely bullet-proof with the padding / bumpups). Plus, things otherwise fell off my shoulders. The Coobie was a good compromise for me.

    3. I bought 2 Natori bras (same model but in tan and black) at the NAS that are so. comfortable. I didn’t realize that my chest had changed a whole bunch. I don’t look like I have a very big chest at all–I mean, it’s certainly there, but not huge–and I found out I need to wear a 32DD! I was pretty shocked, but this is the most comfortable bra I’ve ever worn so I’m happy.

    4. I am the same size as you, and have become a total convert to the Gap’s Favorite Wireless bra. Seriously, I bought one thinking I would just use it on weekends, started wearing it ALL the time, and now have two nude and one black and never ever ever wear anything else. So nice to not have an underwire poking me, but still gives me some shape.
      http://www.gap.com/browse/product.do?cid=83525&vid=1&pid=644693302

    5. Ain’t nothin’ wrong with pulling your bra off as soon as you get home.

      I wear the biggest freakin’ underwire I can find at work, and then pull the thing off as soon as I step in the door. I love that feeling. My mom always did the same thing. I see no problem with going bra-less around the house.

      2. I’m kind of having trouble seeing a reason to wear a bra around the house at all? (Or on the weekend or anywhere that’s not work :) – but then, there are enough hippies in this town that I can get away with stuff like that.

        Anyway, thanks for the tips on other wireless racerback/convertible strap bras, ladies – I’ll check them out. It’s 3:30 PM here and this bra hasn’t driven me crazy yet.

    6. I picked up some non-underwire bras for a recent trip (I was short on luggage space and needed something more ‘packable’). After the trip, I found myself reaching for those bras over and over in the morning, due to the comfort, so I went questing for a new wardrobe of underwire free bras. My shopping mission led me to VS, where I found their Sexy Tee Wireless bra. Blissfully comfortable, sleek under clothes, and as a bonus you can cross the straps over in the back to wear under racerback tops! LOVE.

  20. Shopping hunt:

    I have a pair of black Michael Kors Gramercy trousers which fit my legs perfectly. Problem is, they’re too short. I wear a size 4 in these. Any suggestions for similar pants or does anyone know where I can find these pants in 4 long?

    1. If they aren’t super short you can get them lengthened (obviously only as long as the extra fabric available in the hem). I did this with a few pairs of dress pants. It costs a bit more than shortening but it’s worth it if you love the pants otherwise.

  21. Okay, I gave in on Sunday and took a home pregnancy test (even though my official test at the doctor’s isn’t until Friday). Positive! Took another this morning. Positive (and darker)! It is going to be such a long time until Friday.

    4. Wow, that’s wonderful news! Congratulations, and fingers crossed that it sticks!

    6. Mr. TBK refuses to believe anything until the blood test Friday, and I feel somewhat cautious, too. But not too cautious to be totally, 100% distracted at work today.

      1. Unsolicited advice: eat as much as you can starting now until you start getting nauseous. I’ve lost weight this first trimester and it’s almost painful to eat because of how nauseous I am.

        1. Not sure how far into the first trimester you are, but if you haven’t already spoken to your doctor about anti-nausea medication, I highly recommend asking about Diclectin (look it up on the internet – not sure what name it is going under in the US – that is its Canadian name). I know that others here have used Zofran but Diclectin has recently been approved for use in the US and it has fewer potential side effects for the baby. Diclectin has been used for a long time in Canada, the UK and Europe so it’s not like it’s something new – just new to the US. I used it during my first trimester and it really helped me deal with the nausea and actually eat.

    7. Congrats! Does happy good luck dance in my cube. :-) (I always fight the afternoon drowsies at this time, might as well do so by celebrating good things for a C0rp0r3tt3.)

    12. hooray!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fingers crossed and positive thoughts being sent your way.

    13. Congrats!!! I was just coming on the complain about how miserable and mean my pregnancy hormones have made me, but this literally made my day and changed my entire mood. So excited for you and I’ll be thinking positive thoughts!

      2. Can I still complain? Ha ha. I’m somehow too nauseous to eat anything and yet, feel absolutely disgustingly bloated!

        Anyway, huge congratulations to you! Fantastic news.

    14. This makes me so happy!! Fingers crossed that the tests are accurate and you’ll be bringing home a bundle of joy in about 9 months.

    16. OMG! I have all the fingers and toes and whatever else crossed for you! Sending you so many happyhealthybaby thoughts.

  22. I ordered the Minnetonka Women’s Boat Mocassin in a Fuchsia for a good walking/casual weekend shoe. On trying it on at home, I find the sides of the shoe sagging around my foot. I’ve never had this problem before and am wondering what to do.
    It’s only available in an M width, and I’ve never thought of my feet as narrow (they are wide in some brands/shoe shapes), and the toes are just right, no extra room, so I think I have the right size. Is it just because the shoe has no arch support? Do I have to return (and pay return shipping), or is this something that will fix itself with actual walking around for a day or so (mold to my feet)? Or should I use an insert? Thanks!

  23. DH and I are planning a trip to the Outer Banks in September…and we have no idea where to start. We’re not from the area but have had friends rave about the water and the vibe there, so want to check it out. Thinking of treating ourselves to a nice hotel (something like the Sanderling…it looks nice, is it any good?)…any recommendations? Where should we stay? What should we do?

    (We’re thinking of a 3-4 day long weekend and will have a 1 year old with us).

    Thanks in advance!

    2. I love the Sanderling. Highly recommend it. Nice without being too stuffy. I was there with my 3 kids (ages 2-8 at the time) and they were perfectly accomodating. The beach is super for kids as it’s wide and flat, and the water is relatively warm.

    3. The Sanderling is kind of it. Most people rent houses there. Nice areas are Duck and the Corollas (proper, Light). There is a pretty Lighthouse, lots of biking trails, little shops and the beach! Duck Donuts, the bagel shop in Corolla, and Red Sky Café are all very good for eats.

    4. North end of OBX is very developed and touristy. Nag’s Head, Duck, Corolla– all have lots of shopping, restaurants, and are pretty busy. Farther south towns are much smaller, have more locals, and are more laid back. I prefer the southern towns (Avon, Hatteras, Buxton) because I find them more relaxing, but you’re much more limited for restaurants and shopping. If you really want to get away from it all, Ocracoke is a ferry ride from the southern end of the island and is a lot of fun. Really small town, lots of cute stores, and amazing beaches. It’s a hike, though.

  24. The earlier post on weight-loss pills got me to thinking. I didn’t tell my spouse that I was getting my hair keratin-ed. He did not notice that I hadn’t washed it but said something about maybe it being cut on Friday. I said that I had had it straightened. I don’t think he has any idea what any of this means.

    But I think that there are buckets where I “report as under consideration,” “report as done,” and “report as to be discussed.”

    First bucket = thinking about getting veins zapped
    Second bucket = got teeth cleaned
    Third bucket = pap smear came back funny (to me, this is the important bucket, since these things affect us even if the decision is legally mine to make or if the information is just mine initially)

    One thing is to be on / near the same page with regards to what goes in what bucket. The second is that if I was to share bucket 3 things, I’d want someone to be a good listener first and above all else.

    1. Geez, I tell my husband everything. “I need to get my eyebrows threaded this weekend.” “I have my annual exam next week — ugh, I hate those!” “I was reading an article about the best way to organize your work space. I think I’m going to try it starting Monday.” But then, my husband makes fun of my running narration whenever I’m about to leave the house: “Do I have my phone? Yes, there it is. Sunglasses. I left them on my bureau. Wait, no. They’re in the car. I need a sweater. Did we turn down the a/c? No. Okay, keys, wallet, phone — does the dog need to go out?” It makes him insane. I just do not have a filter with him, which is great on the big stuff, but on the little stuff, it’s a bit much.

      1. I kind of fall into this category as well. I tell my husband pretty much everything, but that is just the way we are. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with not telling “major stuff” – like it isn’t that big of a deal if I don’t tell him I’m going to get my hair cut, but should probably tell him/discuss ahead of time if I am getting a face tattoo. I guess I would explain it as “short term” changes that don’t have a large impact on us as a couple, vs “long term” changes that could effect both of us.

    2. I hear you all — I think it is a triaging of what is a front burner item when we are burried in information (two full-time jobs + two children = if it isn’t on fire, it isn’t likely getting discussed).

      Front burner = I have a non-negotiatble working late night and the children have their swimming lesson — their things are packed in the bag and they like to go to restaurant X for dinner after

      If I don’t forget = I’m thinking of calling the guy about having the trees trimmed

      If I have forgotten = Here’s the estimate from the tree guy

      If I have messed up = The tree guy is coming today

      If I have really blown it = Can you be home for the tree guy? BTW, can you write him a check? BTW, are there any checks left in the checkbook?

      I NEED A WIFE!

  25. OK, ‘rettes, I’m coming for some advice, or words of encouragement. Today is my first day without a cigarette in quite a few years; I’m trying to kick the habit for good! Any tips, tricks, or general words of wisdom would be really appreciated, because right now is my usual afternoon smoke break!

    1. Be proud of each day of progress. It’s easier than thinking that you are never doing something ever again. Part of the quitting is also finding another way to define your daily routine and breaks. So if you are used to a break each day at 3, then find something else for those 10 minutes. Maybe it is a cup of tea, maybe it is a guilty pleasure blog.

    2. You’re awesome! Future Brooklyn Paralegal will be grateful.

      Present-day Brooklyn Paralegal has more time to surf this website and other interesting sites, since you’re not stepping outside for a smoke.

    3. Take a deep breath (preferably outside, in the fresh air) and say to yourself “I am doing something really, truly, life-affirming today.”
      Heck, I may follow my own advice. Not trying to quit smoking, but there are other bad habits that need to be Ended. :-)

    4. I used the Quit Pro app on my iPhone. The free one is enough, I found, since I didn’t really track my cravings (paying for the upgrade means you can access more “reasons” for you craving). I found it such good motivation to be able to check al lthe time and see how much money I had saved, how many cigarettes I *hadn’t* smoked, and how much time I had added to my life.

      Also, and YMMV on this one, but I was shamelessly exhibitionist on Facebook about quitting. Not only did this offer lots of moral support from random people who think it’s great that you’re quitting, it was also reverse motivation in that I really didn’t want to disappoint them all/have to out myself as failing.

      It’s been almost 3m for me now. It sure didn’t hurt that I got pregnant a month after quitting – that is obviously the best motivation to stay quit! But even without that, by a month in I was doing pretty well and both FB and QuitPro really helped.

    5. Argh, moderation for writing the name of the things one smokes!

      I used the Quit Pro app on my iPhone. The free one is enough, I found, since I didn’t really track my cravings (paying for the upgrade means you can access more “reasons” for your craving). I found it such good motivation to be able to check all the time and see how much money I had saved, how many butts I *hadn’t* smoked, and how much time I had added to my life.

      Also, and YMMV on this one, but I was shamelessly exhibitionist on Facebook about quitting. Not only did this offer lots of moral support from random people who think it’s great that you’re quitting, it was also reverse motivation in that I really didn’t want to disappoint them all/have to out myself as failing.

      It’s been almost 3m for me now. It sure didn’t hurt that I got pregnant a month after quitting – that is obviously the best motivation to stay quit! But even without that, by a month in I was doing pretty well and both FB and QuitPro really helped.

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