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Kate Spade is offering an extra 25% off the sale section with secret code 25JULY (through August 2), and there are, as always, a ton of droolworthy pieces. I'm in a practical mood at the moment, though, and this comsetics case looks kind of awesome for travel. Bright blue dots on the outside, happy lime details on the inside, the flat box shape seems perfect for packing. I love the easy access (I haaate digging in a dark cosmetics bag or something), and I like all of the zippered compartments. It was $138, then marked to $96, but it comes down to $72 with code 25JULY. Le Pavillion Large Manuela Cosmetics Case
(L-3)
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
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- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
The (New New) Skirt?
Has anyone purchased the latest iteration of “The Skirt” in the NAS? I loved last year’s version and was planning to pick up several colors, but am wondering if the fit has changed. I’ll probably order anyway (thank you return policy), but figured someone else may have already received their order. Thanks!
Romey
I ordered 2, but I returned them. I did like them but they were slightly long on me (I am 5’2″ and I ordered the petite size) and I just didn’t want to hassle with getting them altered. I’ll probably regret this decision later on. :)
Diane Lockhart
I tried them on and they fit me the same as last year’s model. I bought the black one with a quilted panel — very cute. Item #666077
Senior Attorney
I like this year’s model better than last year’s because there’s an actual waistband. It fits smilarly to last years, which is to say TTS and a full size smaller than the original two-years-ago-size-down-a-full-size version.
Need to Improve
I have the version from 2 years ago. I ordered the same size this year and it was tight, so I returned for one size up.
Mulva
I was thinking. Has any one in this group ever experienced sticker shock over the price of a new car? When I was a little girl, a decent car cost about $7,000 or 8,000. Now that same car is over $45,000.
Who can afford a $45,000 car?
Anonymous
Yes, totally. I remember being astounded when I looked up the Honda Fit (which is sort of my dream car, I think – I’m not a car person but a tiny car, easy to park in cities, with great gas mileage = perfect for me), which I thought would be a great budget car next time I need one. It starts at $15K. $15K seems like a LOT to pay for a low-model car, and to realize it pretty much only goes up from there makes me realize why so many people lease/finance a depreciating asset.
Cornellian
Honda Fit should be your dream car. I owned one from the first year it came out (2007) until earlier this year and I cried when I sold it. There was a hot market when I did, though, so I guess the usual advice of buying one used might be hard here.
a.
+1. Love my Honda fit!
Jo March
Love love love our Honda Fit! So great for camping, shopping, Ikea, everything.
Deep End
I had a Honda Fit when I was commuting from NYC into Westchester and it was amazing! I loved it. It was so easy to parallel park! I sold it on craig’s list when I transferred out of my old firm’s Westchester office, but I still get nostalgic when I see a Honda Fit!
anne-on
$45k? You can still get a non-luxury car with many decent features from $12-$25k. And used luxury cars are often still under $45k.
There is a difference between a good, highly rated car (Honda/Toyota/Hundai) and a status car.
Maribel
I would have to be really well off before I considered a 45,000 dollar car.
Anon
Financed at a decent rate for 5 years, the monthy payment would be around 8oo-900 dollars, not accounting for a down payment. For someone making a six figure salary, that is not a huge percentage of their pay–particularly if they can put say 10,000 down from a bonus or something.
That being said, I drive an old, paid off car even though I am a lawyer and could afford something fancier. I am working hard at throwing money at my student loans. Once those are paid off in a few more years, I would have no problem affording a car at that price (still not sure if I would–but we all have our own spending priorities….)
MH
Yep. In my lawyer circle (associates at medium-sized firms) new cars are definitely the exception. Almost everyone I know is driving an old car instead of having a high monthly car payment. It seems like a waste of money, but then again, no one really sees my dirty old beater but me.
Ellen
Yay! OPEN THREAD’s! I love Open Thread’s! But I do NOT own a car b/c I live in the City!!!!
Dad is thrilled b/c he saves alot of money by NOT haveing for me to buy insurance so all I have is COOP insureance, and he know’s the guy who sells insurance so we get a GREAT deal. Mom had a few accident’s with her car and if my dad did NOT know the guy, our rate’s would have gone UP UP UP, dad says. He was mad at mom b/c she backed up into a building at Rosevelt Field and it damaged the trunk of her SUV.
Now Dad had it fixed for $4000 I think and it look’s like new. He makes mom signal whenever she gets into the car even before she starts backing up now out of the driveway! It makes NO sense to me, but Mom says she does it to shut dad up.
This weekend Myrna (who has a car — YAY) is takeing me to Pyramus b/c there is a BIG sale goeing on for shoes and there is so many places there we get lost. With her car, we carry everything back to the City! YAY!
Sam said he would like to see New Jersey, but this is strictley a girl’s day out trip we told him so he will have to tag along some other time.
Hope everyone in the HIVE has a great weekend. I am goieng to press dad to tell me what the result’s of his report said, even tho it is suposedley CONFIDENTIAL! FOOEY!
Bewitched
I guess it all depends on your definitions of “decent” and “reasonably priced”. I haven’t paid $45,000 for a car yet, and we’ve had some decent cars. That said, I hate the fact that both my SUV and my husband’s Audi have cost over $30K and have required $2-3000 worth of work by year 4 or 5. For some reason, I just hate paying for repairs even though I know a car is a declining asset! I’m also really impressed by some of the great prices you can get on certain cars these days-I would definitely consider a Hyundai or the Chevy Cruze or Toyota Camry, which can be had for around $20K.
SFBayA
My basic Japanese-maker sedan is 13 years old. I plan to drive it into the ground. After a meeting, I was walking with a successful businessman client back to the parking lot and he saw my car, parked next to his Porsche and he said something like “wow, we need to get you a new car” and I said “No way. It’s paid off, costs almost nothing to insure, costs almost nothing to register, and drives fine. New/newish cars are so expensive. I don’t need one if this one still works.” Now I’m kind of thinking my car is too old to be 1000% appropriate, but I certainly don’t care enough to buy a new one. The new leather-interior Camry/Accord/Sentra are over $25k, more if you want a hybrid. And the DH likes (used) luxury, so that’s $30k+… we’ll hold out as long as our cars are safely driveable.
Anonymous
If it makes you feel better, my dad (also not a car guy, or even really a “status” guy) drove a ’94 Camry with some major paint damage to his Silicon Valley high powered SVP-level job for 7 years (dealing with all the ribbing that ensued). He decided to “treat” himself to a BMW convertible (’98, bought in 2006) and then decided it was uncomfortable to sit in, and bought a used Nissan.
If you’re not into cars, honestly, I think anything above a Camry is a bit of a waste. I have a lot of friends in finance/consulting who bought Audis/Lexuses (Lexii?)/BMWs after 1-2 years of entry level work. I straight up do not get it.
13-year club
I also have a 13-year-old car (though it’s domestic), and I’m hanging onto it until it dies for good. Paid off, and since I rarely drive it, about 45K miles. Whenever anyone makes fun of it, I tell them exactly what you do. I’ve gotten some teasing, but I really don’t care! I love not having a car payment …
Mpls
Holy crap – my 13 year old car is coming up on 200,000 miles.
L
I’d tell them to look at my 401k instead :)
LH
+1 I have a 13 year-old Camry that I plan to drive until the day it stops running. I get so much grief from colleagues who tell me I need a BMW (ick) but my car runs beautifully, looks decent for its age, gets amazing mileage and doesn’t have a monthly payment.
PollyD
Heh. My mechanic who has kept my 13-year-old, 160,000 mile Mazda in excellent shape actively warns people away from buying BMWs.
Disclaimer: I am not a car person and have no idea why my mechanic thinks BMWs are bad. I guess in his experience they require a lot of repairs. My Mazda has had maybe 2 repairs other than breaks, tires, battery, in its 13 years.
Anonymous
I gave away a 22-y.o. Mazda 3 years ago. After a few repairs, the recipient is still driving it, with a Vintage tag!
Gail the Goldfish
My car (which I don’t have right now since I’m in NYC, but my brother is using) is a 1997 4Runner that my parents bought used for me when I was in high school. I think last time I checked (over Christmas) is had about 175k miles? and runs fine with just the regular recommended maintenance. I’m planning on reclaiming it from my brother once I move out of NYC. I love that car and don’t care what anyone thinks, I’ll drive it until it finally dies, which at this rate could be a while (though, yes, it gets terrible gas mileage. But I’m sure whatever I’d save on gas wouldn’t equal the cost of a new car). I just hope my brother hasn’t completely trashed the interior as he tends to operate on the “the passenger seat is a trashcan” theory.
Deep End
I cannot envision myself buying a $45k car at full price any time soon. My boss at my firm in Texas told me that the male associate was invited to dinner and drinks with clients over me because he had the nicer, more appropriate car. My brother had warned me that I needed to upgrade our car (a 2008 Nissan Versa), but it just seems so absurd that I have to spend money on that to impress my boss. Of course, this is the current boss that keeps telling me to double my housing budget so I can live in one of the nicer more appropriate neighborhoods.
Mpls
According to the US DoE, the average cost of a new car (adjusted to 2007 dollars) was $20K to $25K from 1980 to 2007, and $15K to $20K from 1940 to 1980. It could be that you are seeing dollar inflation to some degree, but also expectations about what a “decent” car is.
http://www1.eere.energy.gov/vehiclesandfuels/facts/2008_fotw541.html
AIMS
I love your name. That is all.
preg anon
Is it a Seinfeld reference?
Blonde Lawyer
Yes. Jerry couldn’t remember his dates name. In conversations she says she had a hard time growing up w/ a name that rhymed w/ a female part. She catches on later that he doesn’t know her name. He guesses Mulva. I think he later realizes it was Delores.
Gipple
I thought it was all about Elaine!
Jessica Glitter
I believe it is the Junior Mint episode, if you care to check it out…
AIMS
I believe it is the Junior Mint episode, if you care to check it out…
Fiona
Wasn’t it the woman with the great breasts and the cigar store Indian? I think her name was Greta.
Blue
I think how much it’s worth to spend on a car really depends on if you care about cars. For me, I am not a car person. I want a car that is safe, runs well, is fuel efficient, etc. But I really would not get a whole lot of extra joy from having a “fancy” car. If I’m going to splurge and treat myself with that money, I’d get a lot more joy from a bigger apartment or a nicer wardrobe. But for “car people” the opposite is probably true.
anon
Yup, everyone has their priorities. We are about to spend *way* too much money on a car (like a little over $100K). Yes, I could use that money to pay off my student loans, or sit on it and have a really big emergency fund, but we will enjoy the car so much more. It feels reckless and irresponsible, but we’re doing it anyway.
Anonymous
I really like nice cars and could afford a much nicer one. The reason I keep my practical car is because it makes me completely batsh*t crazy when someone dings my doors. Which is like every day in the city I live in, no matter how carefully I try to park, there’s just no escape.
Anyway, just curious, isn’t that going to drive you crazy when that happens to your fabulous new car?
SFBayA
Are you getting a Tesla sedan? They are everywhere around here and I want it, precious.
Sydney Bristow
What are you getting? I’m with SFBay and would love a Tesla, although I can’t afford it and have no need for a car. But I’d love to live vicariously through you!
SoCalAtty
Or if you need something specific. I need to be able to tow X amount, need to be able to fit 1 hay bale and a tack trunk in the back, it needs to be AWD (lots of winter trips), and have lots of room for our frequent road trips and camping extravaganzas. I ended up with the GMC Acadia, in its first model year (2007), and I think I paid about $36k for it. The only reason I went for the new was because I ended up custom ordering with things I wanted (tow package, moon + sun roof) and with things I didn’t (navigation / entertainment package). I drive cars until they blow up, and this one is at year 6 with about 130k miles on it and is just fine.
Husband only drives a work truck (big GMC with work body), so once mine is paid off (for the 2nd time, was able to refi some higher interest debt into 3% against the car…good deal!) and we pay down some more debt, we’re considering something small and sporty (but keep the big car). Something for us to use when we aren’t hauling gear, maybe…but we spend a ton of time in the car, so we’ll spend a little more to get exactly what we want.
Little Red
What kind of car are you looking at? I bought a 2010 Nissan Altima 2.5S sedan for $25K back in February 2010. They’re definitely more expensive that most of us were growing up but there are still excellent cars to be had for much less thank $45K.
KClawyer
I won’t ever buy a new car. Too expensive. I drive a used C-class Mercedes sedan with 80,000 miles on it. Got it at CarMax last year for $15K. A beautiful, clean car. Looks brand new. No one would ever guess it has so many miles on it. Drives beautifully. I plan to drive it for many years to come.
Frugal doc..
That’s the way to do it, if you must pursue the flash…
Anon
Luxury cars arent flashy in my book. Safe, comfortable, nice.
B
My bf drives his 19 year old car to work still. It died mysteriously a couple months ago so it’s time for a new one, but a couple hundred dollars and it’s still on the road (for now).
SFBayA
Bay Area meetup TOMORROW, Saturday 7/27 at Noon at Vino Locale in Palo Alto
k-padi
thanks! :-)
Susie
I’m bummed I’m going to miss this. Originally I was going to Yosemite this weekend, and now that’s been rescheduled but something else (rather unpleasant) came up for tomorrow – believe me I would much rather be there!
NYC
Yay, open thread! Any Asheville NC tips, from the wise hive? Hubs, toddler and I will be there for 2 days in August. Toddler friendly ideas would be a bonus! We are staying at the Aloft hotel and have dinner reservations at Curate and the Admiral. Otherwise, no plans. Not sure if the Biltmore is a good idea with a toddler, although the farm looks cool.
L
LOVE it. Barley’s has amazing pizza (their veggie one is still on my mind a year later) and we really enjoyed Salsa’s. Both are in the main ‘downtown’ area.
Did the Biltmore (no kids) but I think there are a lot of good options there. You can buy tickets and go at your own pace (though there are start times) and they have a ton of little villages to explore. Double check me on this, but I think they didn’t allow strollers in the actual home; easy enough to research, but I saw them throughout other places.
nycanon
Curate is fantastic. I also loved Tupelo Honey Cafe for breakfast/brunch. They don’t take reservations, but you can call ahead and put your name on the list. Also, the Gourmet Chip Company in downtown Asheville has the most amazing potato chips! All kinds of flavors…so delicious!
RJ
Second Tupelo Honey! Fantastic meal. If you like beer, check out Wicked Weed Brewery – very kid friendly, good atmosphere, and good food. I think Biltmore with a toddler is totally do-able as well. In addition to the house there are gardens, a farm area, and a horse stable, so plenty for kids to enjoy.
NOLA
Odd that I didn’t get an email about this sale – unless I did and ignored it. At any rate, disappointed that the makeup bag I want isn’t on sale yet. No way I’m paying full price so I’m waiting. I saw it in person at the Kate Spade at Pentagon City and have been stalking it ever since.
TO Lawyer
Arghh just realized Kate Spade doesn’t ship to Canada. There goes my shopping cart full of pretty statement jewelry and impractical shoes.
Nonny
Sad, and I truly sympathize…but consider it a gift to your Visa account…
TO Lawyer
Very good point – my credit card should be happy. I just really don’t understand places that still don’t ship to Canada! I hope someone else buys all the pretty necklaces so I can live vicariously through them!
Marilla
And the weirdest thing is that they used to, although it was expensive and sent by UPS (The Absolute Worst). Now they don’t ship here at all.
RR
I need another cosmetic bag like I need a hole in my head, but gosh I like this.
Lily-Student
I prefer ‘like a fish needs shoes’ for that – because no-one wants a hole in their head, but while a fish can’t use shoes it might like to look at them.
Matilda
Love this.
RR
Love it!
Veronique
That case looks amazing. Too bad it’s far more than I would ever pay for a cosmetic case. Normally I have no problem paying a premium for quality, but when I can get a great cases at TJ Maxx and the like for under $30, I feel no need to pay for gold plated hardware.
Clerkette
I’m finishing up a clerkship and headed to BigLaw at the end of the summer. Any advice on advance prep I should get out of the way over the next few weeks while I’m not terribly busy? So far, I’ve booked my next couple of dentist and dermatologist appointments way in advance so I could get the 8 a.m. slots.
Anonymous
We just discussed this recently — do things that are recommended to do right before you have a baby, like sleep, spend time with your SO, pre-cook and freeze as many meals as will fit in your freezer, finish up projects around your home (and make it absolutely as comfortable and sleep-condusive as you can), spend time with all your friends because you won’t see them again for a very long time, buy and address birthday cards for folks whose birthdays are in the next 3-6 months (if you’re into that sort of thing), shop for clothes, get an account with your local dry cleaner…. good luck!
TBK
Hire a housecleaner. I don’t care if you have a 600sqft one bedroom. If you have four hours free on a Saturday, you don’t want to spend it scrubbing your toilet. Pay extra for her to also do your laundry. Even if she doesn’t put it all away, she’ll almost definitely sort it and fold it, and hang your shirts on hangers, and then it’s a snap to just dump it all in your drawers.
Put your favorite take-out places near your house/apt in your phone. When you’re walking out the door of your office at 8:00pm, it’s great to call and put in your order then have it ready to go when you pass by on your way home.
Find out whether there’s free parking at your firm on weekends, if you’re not already planning to buy a monthly pass at a nearby garage. Some places have it or the street parking in the area is wide open on weekend mornings. If you ride public transportation to work, but own a car, it just feels so much better to drive to work on weekends (especially if it’s like DC where the trains only run every 20 min on the weekends).
Get your haircut. Schedule the next one.
Batgirl
I would also prepare for the fact that it might take a few months to get a full workload on your plate.
TBK
+1 Actually, I was often encouraged to go home early my first few months. In most firms, you have no hours target until the new year, and since you might not have enough work yet, you should definitely take advantage when you can. Work hard and be thorough, but if a partner or senior associate tells you to go home, or if it’s 6:30 and you have nothing that needs doing, go home.
LH
Yep, go home at a reasonable hour in the beginning, assuming you aren’t buried. I wouldn’t rush out the office right at 5, but coming in by 9 and aiming to leave between 6 and 7 should give you a good work life balance without looking like you’re slacking. And if you don’t have a full plate you should be regularly looking for work. If you’re not yet busy I recommend checking with people before you leave for the day to see if there’s anything you can help with. If not every day, at least regularly. Assistants and paralegals leave for the day around 5:30 so you may find there are a lot of people who would really appreciate a new associate’s help with boring but necessary tasks.
Anonymous
I agree with all this stuff, including the fact you may not get that busy immediately. I would also recommend something a little less fun — if you are a litigator, read the rules for all of the courts where you may be practicing. Get familiar with them now so you know where to look later, and maybe know some off the top of your head. It will impress people and make your life easier when you get assignments. I don’t know if there is something similar for transactional practice.
Anonymous
I’m starting late this fall – one thing I’m thinking about doing is creating some sort of blogroll or newsfeed of major blogs/articles/stories that deal with my legal area or the major clients of my practice group. Just trying to get more exposure to the practice area. Unless those with more experience think it’d be a waste of time?
Anonymous
I don’t think that is a waste of time at all. I’ve gotten a lot of useful information from keeping up with such things, and partners and clients have appreciated it when I have passed on relevant stories.
BankrAtty
The spouse and I are buying our first house. We saved enough for a 20% down payment, pre-qualified for a mortgage, and looked at our historic spending vs. income in order to establish what we can afford. Even though on paper the payment will be easy enough to make, it still seems like: so. much. money. And the down payment is wiping out most of our savings. Are these emotions just an inherent part of the home buying process??? This is pretty terrifying. Advice welcome. (Please note that, despite my angst, I recognize we are privileged to be in the position we are, and these are probably “good problems” to have.)
tesyaa
It sounds like normal jitters. Are you buying a house because you want to live in a house, or because people tell you it’s something you “should” do?
BankrAtty
We’re buying because it seems to make the most sense for us financially–we have the cash for a down payment, and renting in Seattle is just an obscene amount of money to throw away each month, especially with the real estate market appreciating at its current rate.
Wannabe Runner
I’m going to assume your handle means you’re an attorney who practices in the bankruptcy field. Could it be you’re nervous because you see lots of people in debt up to their eyeballs every day at work?
Buying a new home is exciting and nerve-wracking. It is also super-fun. You’re doing fine. As long as by “most of our savings” you don’t mean “all of your savings”, then you’ll be fine. (“All of your savings” would not line up with “makes the most sense for us financially”, so I’m satisfied you’re ok.) Owning a home is awesome. Congratulations. :)
BankrAtty
Yes, I’ve had a front row seat to observe the human cost of the housing crisis and general economic downturn. I think it makes me much more risk averse (at best) and a money hoarder (at worst). On the other hand, I am very comfortable with the idea of debt in general–the idea of a mortgage doesn’t scare me, and I am pretty zen about my student loans–because I understand it’s just a fact of life that is only dangerous when poorly managed. We’ll have a little over $10k in the bank when it’s all said and done, which while not a small amount of money, is less than we’re used to.
eeyore
No advice, but I am so envious that you have the finances to buy a home and that you’re able to find one you like!! Sorry, I know that doesn’t help at.all.
BankrAtty
We have been quite lucky to temporarily live in a place with a very low cost of living for the past two years (clerking). We do feel very lucky to be in a position to buy a place of our own. Two incomes with no kids, carpooling, and eating a lot of legumes (at home) was a good savings strategy for us.
k-padi
They are inherent. No advice because I still religiously check redfin and the NY Times rent-or-buy calculator 2.5 years later.
It doesn’t end with the down payment. On Saturdays, my new garden with roses, wisteria, jasmine, honeysuckle, a bird bath, a lime tree, and a hammock(!) is the best 5 figures I have ever spent, and that wouldn’t have been possible if I was still renting. On Mondays, it’s the most angst-inducing 5 figures I have ever spent.
BankrAtty
What a great perspective! I long for a garden–I don’t have an outdoor space at this particular property (condo).
Suburban lady
My husband and I constantly joke that with the veggies and flowers from our garden, the house is paying for itself. If only… But we do love it!
BankrAtty
It’s so great to just wander outside and pick dinner, isn’t it?
preg anon
Hang on, 5 figures? I thought you lived in California, K-Padi? Is that a really high mortgage payment or a really low price on a house? Or did you just misspeak?
BankrAtty
I assumed she was referring to the down payment?
k-padi
Howdy! You are being paged below for an update on the baby.
The 5-figures is my garden…ripped up tons of concrete, tore down knee-walls, added drainage, re-built fences, added irrigation (necessary out here), two arbors and a hammock, and a small backyard lawn. It was a big project. I was raised doing landscaping DIY so it humbles me to admit to not lifting a finger but I really love my garden.
preg anon
Oh, I see. Thanks for satisfying my need to know this detail about your life. :)
Anony
I thought she meant the garden cost 5 figures.
MH
I’m one of those who attaches a lot of intangibles to home ownership. I really really wanted a house, and probably should have waited a couple more years to save up because there are a lot of hidden costs (especially if you get an old house), but there are a lot of wonderful things that you just can’t quantify.
I love my garden (echoing what k-padi said above). It’s so fun to be able to go to the nursery on a random Saturday and pick up a new plant and watch it grow. I generally love the project-aspect of home-ownership. It’s fun to be able to change paint and upgrade things in a cost-conscious way. I love knowing that this little piece of land is “mine” (yeah yeah, I know it’s really the bank’s, but whatever).
Anyway, every now and then I have a freak out because I seem to spend so much money on the house, but ultimately I think it’s worth it, at least for me.
KLG
I think this is inherent. We just closed on a house on Monday, put 20% down, wiped out the vast majority of our savings, etc. But, our monthly payment will be cheaper then renting and like k-padi says, it will now be worth it to do things like install a half door to keep the dog out of the kitchen, fence the backyard, etc. which would not be the case if we were still renting. Plus while interest rates have shot up, they are still low in the grand scheme of things. For the moment, I’m just trying not to look at any of our savings/investment accounts. :)
Flying Squirrel
Have you considered buying below your means? We could have afforded a house that cost at least 25-30% more than we just paid (closed last week), but since we are going through so many changes right now–new town and job for me, baby in a few months–I wanted to be in a position where we could afford the mortgage on one of our salaries (though it would be much harder on mine than on DH’s). I recognize that it may depend on your income/down payment/savings…but if this is overwhelming it may make sense to be conservative in your purchase.
Also, keep in mind that prices are a little inflated right now due to lower interest rates (though they’ve already been rising through the summer). Appreciation over the next year is likely to be lower than projected, though over the longer term (e.g. 5 years) I think it will be a good investment.
BankrAtty
Buying “below our means” in Seattle meant buying a really, really crappy condo and a really tiny one (probably because our means aren’t that ample). We could pay the mortgage on 1 income alone if we needed to, although it wouldn’t be very pleasant. We’re also starting new jobs in a new town, but I just wasn’t convinced that an extra $300-400/mo would make up for living in 500 square feet, especially because our net income after expenses and everything (including the house) will be around $1600. The property we’re buying was listed for $30k more than what we offered (and what the seller accepted), so hopefully it’s not too inflated.
BankrAtty
Erm, *or* a really tiny one. We definitely couldn’t buy two!
Ruby
BankrAtty- agree. I’m in Seattle- housing prices- not as bad as NYC/SF, but ridiculous lately. Which area did you end up in? I own in Capitol Hill (condo) but will probably need to move to east side per toddler/schools in a year or two. Meh.
BankrAtty
@Ruby, we purchased a 2-1 in Queen Anne. Came very close to putting an offer on a coop in Capital Hill, but it was 300 sq ft smaller and on a much busier street.
Ruby
Bankrattny- I own in Cap Hill. Used to live in Queen Anne:) At a stage of life where might want to live slightly farther out… we’ll see over time.
Anon
That’s not possible everywhere. In many urban areas just to buy anything would stretch most “good” incomes and be impossible for most.
Homeowner
Inherent! I purchased a home two years ago with my (then boyfriend now) husband and we also put 20% down. When we handed over our final check at the closing, I actually cried. It was so emotional, knowing exactly what sacrifices went into saving that money. I would recommend (i) triple checking your projections, (ii) making sure that you have enough for closing costs (which can also be a sticker shock, even if you get an assist), (iii) ensuring that you have enough to cover property taxes for 2014 (we don’t escrow and our property tax bill comes in December–obviously this may differ for you); and (iv) keeping enough in savings so that you can still have some fun decorating. And ENJOY. You earned it!
ty
We bought a flat a year or so ago and every now and then I think, geez that’s a lot of money! Oddly enough what shocked me was the cost of renovation – perhaps because the flat cost so much (relative to how much I earn/can imagine having) that it was a bit unreal. (The flat was new so we had to put in flooring, sinks, kitchen cabinets etc.)
Anon C
Here is another update for those who remember my situation regarding me developing feelings for a younger male colleague despite me being married. Many of you sensed the close friendship (daily lunches, after work emails) would cross the line. Well, several months later, I will admit from my side it is an emotional affair. We are very clear that nothing physical would ever happen but still talk rhetorically about what it would be like if we were a couple. The big change however is that we both left our jobs so we rarely see each other. Yes I feel guilt and I also realize that my marriage is not in a good place if I have allowed this to happen. So I will need to think long and hard over the state of my marriage. The other guy has an SO who he wouldnt leave so I would not be leaving for this guy. I’m not sure if this was a temporary crush or midlife crisis or what. Anyways, not looking for judgment, just wanted to give an update.
Nonny
Oh dear, this must be a difficult time for you. Hugs, and best of luck in sorting it out in the way that is best for you.
Ruby
I actually thing emotional affairs are quite common and a ‘part of life’ in a way for long-time married people. If they remain harmless, it’s not necessarily a problem. We all need close relationships that are different people at different times. Sometimes the spouse is on a different wavelength. I’m not saying it’s good, but be open to that you just need to reconnect to the spouse and figure out what you weren’t ‘getting’ from him that you felt you needed from the other guy, or whether it was just a fun attention/connection thing for a while. Don’t assume your marriage is over. I hope it smooths out.
Anonymous
I remember your post. I’m not judging you, but I think in your case I would do two things:
1) Stop seeing/being involved with Emotional Affair Guy. You don’t work together, so you really have no reason to continue to be in communication. It doesn’t seem like it can go anywhere and you are both being dishonest. At the end of the day, you are still married and it’s not fair to treat your spouse this way.
2) I think it would be helpful for you and your spouse to get into couple’s counseling. The end result is not always saving the relationship, but it may be a helpful step as you think about the state of your marriage. It may help you figure out how to end things amicably, or it may give you tools to strengthen your relationship. Either way, it can’t hurt.
L
+1.
If he is ‘the one’ a few months apart so you can get your head straight and exit your marriage gracefully. If not, it will give you a chance to have some clarity about you, your marriage, and what you want. I genuinely wish you the best of luck in figuring this out.
Anon
And start watching Mistresses. Seriously, it’s soapy but a pretty good reminder of what you can lose.
Houston Attny
Are you still in regular contact through e-mail and/or phone though not seeing one another? Or is it slowly fizzling?
If you are up for it, I suggest talking with someone about this. Maybe not couples counseling just yet but owning up to it and having someone ask the right questions about what it was about him, what it is about your marriage, might help you figure out how you can sort through all of this and either put it in its place in The History of Anon C or where to go from here.
Anon B
Anon C, it sounds like you are looking at the situation and yourself objectively, which is a good start. I think it is a disservice to both you & your DH to have a secret sideline, but also support the idea that it is important to have what you want and maybe that is something other than DH.
When I have feelings of attraction or interest to someone other than SO, what works for me is to suddenly spend time with a ton of people, a huge range, including Interest, and be reminded how awesome SO is compared to all those people. It really helps with perspective, focusing on the positives of SO/seeing them anew, and is a good outlet for random crushes, which I think stem from a sense of sameness for me. It also is a good way to tease out why Interest exists (is there something I want to do that Interest seems to be an easy avenue to, such as be healthier/be fancy going to the opera/live a cushy lifestyle? eg, is Interest not really the thing I’m into, but some life change?). It might also be a way to take the light off your Interest and turn it back to your marriage and yourself, for clarity either way.
Joanna Toews
That’s really fantastic approach to dealing with persons of Interest.
It’s worked for me too in the past: Hanging out with lots of people gives me perspective.
OG Lawyer
When I grew disaffected with my husband, I went to his place of business and watched him work. He is an OBGYN and had obtained the consent of his patient. I saw him deliver a beautiful, squalling baby girl into the world. I was so awed and impressed, and I saw him in a new light. A lot of my resentments just faded away, and I realized I had been petty about several things.
Then, about two weeks later, he came to watch me in closing arguments in federal court; at dinner he confessed he had no idea I was that good and wryly said he now understood why he lost all our arguments.
But, alas, we ended up divorced several years later because of infidelity and drug addiction issues. (His.)
TBK
Thanks for the update. This must be really hard, but it sounds like you’re doing all the right things.
Anonymous
Really? I don’t think so at all. It seems like she is having an emotional affair and not doing anything about it. First thing I would do is stop talking to the guy. Second, I would start therapy so you have a safe space to talk about these feelings, and possibly marriage counseling after that once you figure out what you are missing and if you want to save the marriage. Just like before when we saw the emotional affair coming, the escalation to the “hypothetical couple talk” means I see a physical affair coming, and soon, if you do not change something about your interactions.
Anonymous
Hi, I have a coworker who is currently serving in military service in Africa for a year. I and another coworker decided to send off a box, but we are out of ideas for what to put in it!
We are sending his favorite candy and some gym music, and some firm-swag coffee travel mugs. Apparently we can’t send anything that might be considered “obscene” (which does away with our more fun idea – which for the record would have been for comedic, not obscene, effect), and home-baked goods are a no-go as shipping times can take a while. It sounds like they have a lot of down time. I might put in the Game of Thrones book series – I know he likes sci-fi, and maybe the guys in his unit would be interested, too. Any other ideas? Movies? Books? Pre-packaged treats?
anon
Is he by any chance a U of M grad? Long shot, but I know a classmate who’s taken a year away from a law firm to serve in Africa. If it is the same guy (last name starts with A) I’d call Zingerman’s and ask what they think would ship well. Their customer service is great and I bet they have something fun.
Anonymous
Ah! Yes! Too funny, such a small world. Zing’s is the best, but we are sending it off Monday – won’t have time to get anything here in time. Maybe for the next one!
anon
Sigh. I will anonymously admit that he is a frequent fantasy gardener of mine.
Anonymous
Ha, I love this discussion!
Another anon
This is hilarious, I am a U of M grad and know exactly who you mean and second the gardening reference.
preg anon
Wow, I wish we had a picture!
Anonymous
This guy must be hot, now I’m so curious what he looks like…
Elle
Don’t post a photo but post a celeb who looks like him!
NOLA
We’ve been sending packages to a choir member who is a Peace Corps volunteer so these ideas might help:
-small toiletries, wet wipes
-granola bars, dried fruit, nuts, things that would be a treat but won’t spoil
-magazines you can’t get here (although that may be diff for a guy)
-local t-shirts
-to go packs of peanut butter or nutella
-chocolate of any kind, M&Ms
-local spice mixes, etc
-don’t know if this would work for him, but we sent her baking mixes that only require water. There’s a shake and pour brownie mix that comes in a jug that you mix it in.
BankrAtty
This is going to sound mundane, but: wet wipes, the individually packaged kind you might get at a BBQ place. I’ve heard recent magazines are also appreciated, as many of the issues they have will likely be quite outdated.
Calla
Seconding wet wipes or baby wipes. One of my favorite books is by a war vet and I’ve always remembered he says a few times “If you’re going to send us anything, send wipes!” because they don’t get to shower a lot.
Jessica Glitter
This. A very close family friend was recently in Afghanistan. When they would go out on patrol (for days or weeks) the only “shower” they got was the baby wipes they carried with them. We sent huge packages of baby wipes. I realize they can dry out, but you can reconstitute with a bit of water.
AIMS
Ok, so obscene is maybe out, but what about some silly boy magazines like “Esq.” and “Maxim” (or whatever the current equivalent)?
The GoT books are a great idea. Maybe you could also add a silly boardgame like Apples to Apples?
TBK
Did you check the military websites, especially milspouse ones? I think they often have lists of “what to send your soldier”.
Anonymous
I googled a little. That is how I discovered that the blow-up doll was a no-go. And that apparently, shipping chocolate to Africa in the summer is a bad idea. I didn’t like most of the other ideas, though (frisbees? So they can go out in the glaring sun and play in the 110 degree heat?).
Anon
Socks. Always send socks. You can never have enough pairs of clean socks. Seriously.
Anonymous
I’m sure this is a stupid question, but what kind of socks? White athletic socks? I feel a little weird sending my coworker socks.
Anon
Not a stupid question! Yes, white athletic tube socks are best.
Also – any beverage mix that you can mix with water (hot or cold). So those little Gatorade Mio bottles (esp the sweet tea flavor), powerade mixes, lemonade, hot cocoa.
Beef jerky. Ramen noodles. Those flavored almond jars you can get anywhere.
Anonymous
Ooh, beverage mixes. Great ideas!!
NOLA
Oh yeah, we sent a bunch of those little drop things (like Mio or Crystal Light) that make the water taste better. I keep forgetting!
Gail the Goldfish
I’ve got a friend in the peace corps in africa and usually send her non-meltable (or less meltable than chocolte) candy like swedish fish or lifesavers. She has also requested beef jerky since she doesn’t quite trust the meat over there, so I usually try to find the “fancy” beef jerky at whole foods and the like and send that.
Anonymous
These are all such good ideas! I am adding granola bars and nutella packs to my coworker’s Costco shopping list. And I have Cards Against Humanity at home that I’ve never opened – that is going in the box too. Magazines, trail mix. Thanks!!
anon
Apparently folks who have to wear military helmets often really like panty liners, which stick nicely in the front of the helmet to absorb sweat. Sure the packaging on a generic box would not be deemed obscene.
Anonymous
While I would really like to send useful things, I cannot imagine sending my male coworker a box of pantyliners. I’m actually cracking up at my desk thinking about what his face would look like when he opened the box.
Betty
Pre-paid calling cards, DVDs of a TV series (Big Bang, etc.), recent magazines, anything that will give a taste of home (copy of local paper, local t-shirt).
Military Sister
My brother was stationed in Asia for three years, and was at sea most of the time. You can absolutely send baked goods, but aim for things that either don’t go stale for a while or that, when they do go stale, aren’t blatantly stale (shortbread works really well – it just gets a little extra crunchy! Smitten Kitchen has a recipe for key lime meltaways that is absolutely fantastic, and held up well for the two weeks it took for them to reach my brother.).
Also, magazines, paperback books, iTunes gift cards if he has a decent internet connection and a laptop, DVDs, playing cards, games for any hand-held gaming system he has, extra pair of earbuds, small personal fan, CD mixes.
Finally, write him a nice long note. Those are always great for soldiers and sailors to receive, and it’s part of military tradition!
Bonnie
Chocolate chip cookies can withstand significant transit time. And another #1 for DVDs of TV series.
Nonny
Yes, but…beware small critters. When I was living in SE Asia, a well-meaning friend baked me chocolate chip cookies and sent them (from Canada) in a cookie tin with what she thought was a tight-fitting lid and masking tape all around it. The tin arrived full of ants. It was tragic.
Senior Attorney
Trader Joe’s has nice little flat fruit-leather type bar things at the checkout counter. My son, the Marine, really likes it when I slip one or two into a letter.
Deep End
I did a year in Africa and the best packages were: magazines, books, DVDs (esp seasons of tv shows). Seriously I can’t suggest the DVDs enough. It doesn’t matter what it is, we craved for anything to watch and would all gather at each other’s house to watch the latest addition to the collection.
As for food – good (or decent) chocolate was hard to come by. As was cheese, though that’s really hard to ship.:)
I also second the suggestion for board games! That is a great idea. We were so board we created our own, which was less than ideal but fun!
Deep End
*that second board should be bored.
anne-on
I have family currently overseas serving and magazines, gum, and energy drinks (in packets) are big hits. Wet wipes/personal care items are also nice to receive as they can be hard to obtain in some locations. I’ve also thrown in itunes gift cards in case they happen to get reception so they can buy/stream videos/tv shows and the like.
NashJD
I served overseas as well, and we were flush with baby wipes, Pringles, trashy novels, People magazine, and beef jerky. I would focus on sending him things he can’t get at the local PX or woudln’t come in a normal care package – when I was in Iraq, someone sent me a smoked salmon (arrived just fine, yummy, even though I had no capers), some of those little Mini-Moo coffee creamers, and a pillow – and that was fabulous because it was stuff I couldn’t get elsewhere. I also really enjoyed getting several editions or our local alternative newspaper and some slightly more interesting magazines (New Yorker, The Atlantic). Specialty crackers and cookies and the like from his favorite store, that kind of thing.
In house lobbyist
My husband always liked instant coffee, baby wipes and beef jerky. For special treats, I would send him the freeze dried meals from REI instead of the MRE he would have to take on patrols.
Ruby
Well, when my brothers were in Iraq, they really liked baby/wet wipes, because it is dry/yucky. No idea if same would apply. But yes, magazines and many other things will not get through that are typical ideas.
SH
When my Ex was in the Navy, I would send him a couple carepackages, and these are what he appreciated the most:
– pre-loaded ipod shuffle
– Sunscreen
And I also sent a few books and magazines and such, but he really appreciated and mentioned the shuffle and sunscreen.
Frugal doc..
How do you hand wash your silk blouses?
Using advice from this board, I started handwashing more things to decrease my dry cleaning bill and hopefully, get my clothes to last longer. I bought Eucalan lavender wash, recommended here which I generally love.
But when I wash a silk blouse, the fabric seems altered afterwards… no longer soft/flowing… now more stiff/harsh feeling. Is this the wrong detergent for silk? Or is that what happens to silk?
tesyaa
It could be that you’re not rinsing the detergent out thoroughly. I’m not familiar with Eucalan, but I would say you can’t go wrong with Woolite. I have even heard of using baby shampoo for delicate washables. Did you iron the garment? The texture might be entirely different after steaming and pressing.
Lily-Student
PSA: Woolite is not good for your clothes! See various threads on Ravelry as to why.
Frugal doc..
Thanks guys. I haven’t used Woolite, as I remembered people saying some other cleaners were better….
And I haven’t steamed/pressed and will try that next. It definitely needs it, although it didn’t occur to me that this would change the texture for the better.
I guess I was spoiled by how nicely the sweaters came out…. so easy.
lawsuited
I use Eucalan, but I only gently spot clean the underarms or spots where I’ve spilled, etc and avoiding pleats or embellishments. I hang to dry and then steam and it returns to normal.
springtime
Rinsing well- also, I’m fairly certain that manufacturers put some sort of treatment on silk to give it that soft lux feel when you buy it from the store, and washing it removes it. I find I can get it back if I then “wash” them with conditioner (yup, the stuff for your hair) afterwards.
I hand-wash all of my silks and have never had a problem.
Frugal doc..
Interesting…. this detergent actually tells you that you don’t need to rinse out, but I do anyway. Like the conditioner tip… you do that for silks? I would have thought it would work for wools etc. but not silk… Thanks.
Mpls
I use the Laundress gentle detergent. Don’t let the silk soak for more than 15 minutes, rinse thoroughly, don’t wring water out (although I do squeeze it) and then roll in a towel to help get water out. I then hang on a hanger to air dry the rest of the way, and the press it with a cool (silk setting) dry iron. It will probably be better once it’s been pressed and worn once. The shirts I’ve had have bounced back, usually after wearing for a bit – the body heat must do something to relax it.
Eucalan looks like it has lanolin in it – which works well for putting the natural oils back in wool (which is essentially hair), but I haven’t used it on my silk fabrics, since they have a different source fiber.
Frugal doc..
Interesting… thanks for this. I did wash for more the 15 minutes, but not a lot more. I can see now that maybe Eucalan might be better for wool…. but the Laundress seems to be for wool as well, but it doesn’t give you the same problem?
Nothing is simple… different cleaners for different fabrics I guess..
Mpls
The Laundress has a separate cleaner for wool (wool and cashmere shampoo) than it does for silks and synthetics (delicate wash).
I think the key to getting the nice hand and sheen back is combination of ironing and just wearing it. I think body heat does something to help the fabric… relax?… that brings some of that nice soft quality back.
Frugal doc..
Thanks for this additional info. I will get the Laundress delicates cleaner, and pull out the iron.
DAR
I hand wash silk and while still wet, roll it up in a towel to partially dry, then steam press while damp. This is the method that tailors use. I haven’t had stiffness problems, but if you’re air-drying, that could be why.
Frugal doc..
Thanks for reinforcing this issue. I have never tried this. Ok… I wont buy a new detergent, but will “steam press” (this is new for me too……).
Keep
This.
Monte
I wash all of my silk blouses in my machine on delicate and then hang them to dry. They do feel stiff once dry, though. I typically iron them (using a ton of steam) before I wear them — I iron everything anyway, but the steam eliminates the stiffness.
Little Red
What Monte just wrote.
abogada
This is exactly what I do too.
Frugal doc..
Thanks to all of you! I am embarrassed to admit I have never used steam with an iron before, so will need to give it a try.
Mpls
Just be sure to test it on an inconspicuous spot on your silk clothing – and consider using a press cloth to protect the fabric. Steam can turn into drippy water which can water spot your silk if you aren’t careful. Silk organza is usually the press cloth of choice for those constructing garments out of silk, but a clean lightweight cotton kitchen towel could work too.
Guest Commenter
Dear Ladies,
One of my friends who is a frequent reader (maybe commenter?) on this site recommended I come here for some advice on a situation.
Over the weekend, I need to prepare a proposal to my managing partner (in a small firm, 9 attorneys) that I need to work only 4 days a week, probably for the next 6-8months. In the past four months, I’ve had twins, the mother-in-law who was going to be my backup childcare has had a stroke (of course this is terrible and I don’t mean to sound like only to the degree it inconvenienced me), and my husband (a school principal) was transferred to a school on the other side of our parish – meaning now he cannot get home until 6PM and has to leave at 7AM, starting in two weeks.
We’re a small firm and it will definitely affect people – but after having taken off the past two Wednesdays for AM doctor visits with the babies, I’ve realized that working four days/week is my only way to avoid some kind of nervous breakdown – at least until I can build/rebuild a support network to help me with family and baby obligations, and start sleeping again.
Does anyone have any advice or tips on requesting a reduced workweek & reduced pay for a small firm attorney where others’ workloads will be definitely affected by this choice? Thank you in advance for your help.
Houston Attny
Wow. Your cup runneth over.
I haven’t had experience with this so I’ll leave the wisdom dispensing to others. Here are my two immediate thoughts:
– is it taking off one solid day a week that you would need or might it help to arrange your hours where you are in the office a little later and leave a little earlier? (not necessarily for you to answer here but with what you described, it was my first thought)
– will you be available by phone/email on the day you are out of the office?
– offer to meet again in three months to discuss what issues might have come up & how the team can work to resolve them
Good luck!
Houston Attny
Clearly, Friday afternoon has left me without the ability to count. There were three thoughts, in a little three-prong list. Not two. Goodness.
TBK
I would definitely include a list (chart?) of all your matters, what the next big steps are in each of them, and how you will ensure that all of the most important stuff gets done. Clearly itemize what you do not expect to be able to cover (e.g., if you’re a litigator, maybe you can cover the motion to dismiss and the three fact witness depositions, but will need help with the expert witness prep). As best you can, estimate how many hours other attorneys will need to work to cover what you can’t. Offer to be available for brief or very important calls, to respond to questions, or to attend very important meetings on your “off” days. Also offer to put in some hours on the weekend, especially when deadlines are looming (presumably your husband will be home to look after the babies on the weekend?). Finally, be sensitive to where your firm is right now. Have there been any recent departures? Increases in business? That is, are people already pulling all-nighters to keep up with the work, or is it a situation where people have some slack?
Most of all, offer to be flexible to the extent you can. Instead of presenting a list of demands, or even a concrete proposal, make it clear that the proposal is just a starting point and that you see that as a valuable partnership and want to make it work. They might be worried that this is not just a 6-8 month thing, but a 6-8 month prelude to you quitting to be a SAHM. If that’s definitely not the case, make that clear to them.
ss
Agree with TBK to avoid presenting a concrete proposal – it mostly serves as a bulls’ eye which may get quickly shot down if it doesn’t fit in with what your firm may have done in the past.
I would approach the managing partner to present a problem (that your childcare plans have fallen through – I’d add details abt your MIL and husband’s new job only if asked) and ask for the firm’s support in helping you work through it. Be prepared to put a few solutions on the table in addition to the 4-day week eg. an unpaid leave of absence, ad-hoc flexi-time and so on, and be honest about assessing each of these in relation to the firm’s workload eg. is there work which requires rapid turnaround during conventional working hours ? is it possible for the firm to cope with the absence of a working attorney (obviously they did for your maternity leave) and so on. I would avoid itemizing too many tasks too early in the discussion – get the big picture sorted out first of how the firm’s responsibilities for specific clients, cases and projects are going to continue to get met.
The greater the extent to which you can enter into the partner’s thinking on finding a solution for the firm, the more likely you are to arrive at something mutually acceptable, and also the more credible you are likely to come across.
Betty
I will be tuned in for the advice from the hive, as I think I may be facing a similar situation in about six months (about to have my second, DH about to be promoted to principal of his school with little to no back-up).
Just wanted to say big hugs to you. I hope it goes well.
RR
As a fellow mom of twins (although mine are now five), hugs to you. You must be exhausted. Remember to take care of yourself in the midst of this whenever you can.
I am now in BigLaw, but worked for years in a small firm. I think you lay it out just like you did to us: you are committed to your job and understand that your going to 4 days a week will impact coworkers; however, a number of uncontrollable events have made it a necessity while you resolve those events. Lay out what you are looking for and then stop talking and let them answer. Be prepared to answer questions and address concerns.
The good thing about most small firms is that they know you. They know your work ethic and quality. They know what you bring to the table. They probably know your spouse and maybe already your babies a little. It’s harder to accommodate changes, but there’s more motivation to accommodate changes.
Blonde Lawyer
For some perspective, keep in mind that it is not just “moms” that need accommodations. I was recently having trouble getting in contact w/ an opposing counsel. When he called back he told me that another attorney in his less than 10 lawyer firm had a sudden medical emergency and is now going to be out of work 6 months. He spent the last few days going over all of the sick attorney’s cases to figure out who could handle what and what would need to happen over the next six months. That is why he wasn’t returning calls. It was very eye opening to remember that anyone can need a leave of absence at anytime. At least when people take maternity leave, they can leave a transition plan. It should be a reminder to all of us to keep our files in a state where someone could pick them up if they had to.
Ruby
All I can say is prepare yourself for a long marathon over the next few months/years. I am working full time- need the income, promotability- with a similarly tough situation (worse actually, no family/husband with baby). What I do: the best I can each day. I get in late, I dial into morning calls from home, I feel embarassed when she cries in background, but it is what it is. I work smart- delegate, choose my battles. I have a great boss. I hope it continues to last. I am tired, tired, tired. I do not eat well or exercise. It sucks. but I’m getting by for now, and plotting how to make changes to this architecture over time to improve conditions. Incrememntally simplifying wherever I can. Enjoying living in the moment when the good moments come. Just brace yourself- even at 4 days it won’t be easy. But- you will do the best you can and that is good enough.
Tampocalypse
I’m just gonna leave this right here…
http://ifunny.mobi/i/fr5NYNdD1
Matilda
OMG, I love you so. very. much. I’m having an incredibly sh!t day at the end of an incredibly sh!t week, and I SO NEEDED THAT LAUGH. Also, I need all of those commenters to become my friends right now.
Houston Attny
That is GREAT!
Natasha
Ha, that reminds me of the European tampon commercial I saw on YouTube recently. Hint: it involved a shark.
jcb
That, is awesome. “For the fighting spirit”.
Old Spinster
Asking for love from hive because I am super down in the dumps right now. I posted a week or so ago about how to get over a break up. Now I’m posting for happy stories about people who broke up and met someone awesome. How long after did you start dating?
Anonymous
Years ago, ex-boyfriend cheated and we broke up. I was totally heartbroken. Left my city for a year, cut ties with mutual friends, found some new things to do that were just mine and did not remind me of him. Took me the whole year just to get over the sad, but the anger took longer. After that recovery year, dated around for a while, nothing spectacular but had some good experiences. Four years later met the best person to ever come in my life and I barely remember old ex-boyfriend, have no emotional anything regarding it… basically a blip on the screen.
I think this kind of stuff takes time to heal but in hindsight the experience was amazingly valuable to me. It changed me for the better and made me a stronger person. I also am happier in my current relationship than I thought I could be. Also now I would never dream of cheating because I know the depths of the hurt it can cause, way more than simply breaking up with someone.
P
This is secondhand, but hopefully encouraging: a friend just got divorced after 18 years of marriage. In the interest of distractions and not getting stuck in a rut, she joined a dating website not long after. She wasn’t looking to meet someone to date right away, but wanted to get out there and maybe meet someone interesting.
She went on 4-5 dates with different men, and came out of it with some hilarious stories:
– the man who broke down crying about his ex-wife and said with zero self-awareness “people keep telling me I’m not over her, do you think they might be right?”
– the man who was otherwise not creepy but explained in the middle of a restaurant that he had given many women their first “O” and was a generous lover
– the man who was good looking and much younger, and was far more interested in her than she was in him
The 6th date, she met her soulmate. I’ve spent time with them together, and honestly, he treats her so well and she’s happier than I’ve ever seen her. They got married less than a year after the divorce – this April, actually – and just finished building their new house on his dairy farm. They bought alpacas together just because she wanted them.
Anyway, that’s a long story but it always warms my heart to think about it. She’s so much happier now and wishes she pulled the plug years ago.
Batgirl
Ooh, I’ve got one! I was dating this guy that I was totally over-the-moon for (for no real reason, in retrospect). He came on super strong for about three or four weeks and then basically disappeared, popping his head back up about once a week to keep me on his back burner, but only seeing me every 10 days or so (despite us seeing each other much more frequently before that). This went on, sadly, for about six weeks, when I finally pulled the plug and ended it.
I met my now-boyfriend literally that same week through a mutual friend who (unbeknownst to me at the time) was setting us up. We didn’t start dating for another six weeks or so, but we’re super in love, planning to move in together in the fall, and talking about marriage.
I laugh when I think of how lame the other guy was. Keep your hopes up–hold out for someone worthwhile! And stay open to meeting new people–even though it’s terrible at times. I think I was THIS close to hiding under my sheets after the last breakup–in fact, I said no to my bf’s date requests twice before realizing I was a moron. Glad I gave him a chance! Good luck!
Anonforthis
I broke up with my boyfriend of 5 years 8 days before my younger sister’s wedding (in which I was the maid of honor) shortly before I turned 30 years old. It was the right decision but I was devastated. 8 months later I decided I was ready to date again, but was looking for jobs in multiple cities so I decided that once I moved somewhere, I would get on e-harmony or something. Then I went to visit a friend for the weekend, met a guy friend of hers, and now (less than 2 years later) we are married and plan to tell our parents this weekend that we are expecting our first child.
Bewitched
OK, this almost made me cry….Congratulations!
Brooklyn Paralegal
I’m tearing up at my desk. Congratulations!!!
Houston Attny
Congratulations!! Love this!
L
Head over heels for someone. Didn’t work out at all. Heart was broken. Dated casually for awhile (aka saw a few idiots over the course of a year and some change). Was still sad, but on the mend. Ended up meeting my soon to be hubby and haven’t looked back. It’s like it was a lifetime ago. The ironic thing is, I thought I was really happy with the heartbreaker and I can look back now and realize I was happy, but definitely in a very different (unsustainable) way and am infinitely happier now.
Nati
I don’t have a happy story to add, but would you be able to link me to the thread where you originally posted about your breakup?
I can offer my compassion and sympathy because I am going through a breakup right now myself. I’d love to see the advice the hive offered you.
Wishing you the best!
Old Spinster
I didn’t find my original post, but see this link for helpful advice:
https://corporette.com/2011/02/24/coffee-break-knocked-up-leather-bag/
T. McGill
Was in the process of getting divorced. Started online dating a few months after we separated but before the divorce was finalized, to get back on the horse (so to speak). Met a guy at a mutual friend’s birthday party. Started dating exclusively a few weeks later, got married about 18 months after we met, just had our first baby together. He makes me glow. He is certainly my most favorite husband :)
Divorcee
I love this! Congrats! I recently went through a divorce and before finalized I met someone so incredibly special and sweet and fun and caring and adventurous that I often wonder why I had settled for so long. Life is short, break-ups suck, and love sometimes hurts, but you have to pick yourself up and get back out there to figure out who you are, what you like, and what you want to do with your life. It doesn’t all revolve around SOs.
anon
Broke up with bf of 3 years. Was sad. Went out with a bunch of randoms for two months. It was fun and interesting. Literally just did fun things and pursued my interests for two months with little to no direction (it was amazing!!!).
And out of the blue, after seeing lots of idiot, meat head, artsy, weirdo, etc etc types just to entertain myself and to have something to do, two months after that break up, I met THE MOST PERFECT HUMAN BEING ON THE PLANET RANDOMLY who also just happened to be single AND HAD BEEN SINGLE FOR YEARS (still have no clue why–bc he’s amazing).
Fast forward a year later–we’re in love and both discussing a future together. I’m telling you–don’t rush yourself in getting back on the horse, but allow yourself to have fun. The biggest help for me post break-up was to sit down and think about the qualities I wanted in a new partner. And lo and behold I didn’t compromise on those and ended up with someone who was more fitting than mr-three-year-relationship. If I really sat down to process my relationship with my ex, the break up was “meant to be.” For whatever reason, your relationship didn’t work. THERE IS SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO IS COMPATIBLE! And he’s waiting for you to wipe those tears and get out there, girl~
So figure out all of the fun things that you didn’t do or that you postponed doing while with your ex and start living.
Batgirl
Amen!
Romey
I had a terrible, long drawn out break up with an ex right before law school. We’d been together for almost 4 years so it was tough making that huge change. Definitely dated a bunch of randoms over the next few years – nothing super serious at all. Started to feel a little frustrated like I’d just never meet the one. I was loving life my 3L year – really had some great friends in law school and completely unexpectedly, not looking at all, I met my now current husband. I know it’s SO corny and cliche but I truly feel like it will happen when you’re just not looking for it. I know breakups are so freaking hard and it can take a while to really get over something but you just have to keep telling yourself, this too shall pass. :)
Annon
These are some really nice hopeful stories here, thanks ladies.
I had a bad break up about 9 months ago (with an ex cheating as well) and finally got back into dating. I actually have a first date tonight with a guy I met online, getting some drinks. But earlier in our conversation over phone, he mentioned he has a specific physical/medical issue because he was born pre-maturely. I am feeling quite conflicted, I did not want to cancel the date and want to give him an honest chance. So far he is perfect in every regard (top law school, big law/ senior policy adviser in govt, same religious and ethnic community) but part of me kind of feels sad in how difficult it is to find someone you can click with once again. Can’t believe I am again missing my ex despite all his negatives, trying to read this blog to take my mind off. I don’t even feel like dressing up for the date. May be I am just not ready for dating again. I am so shocked to find myself this picky and judgmental. Oh well, just wanted to take it off my chest as I have no one to share this with.
Wannabe Runner
What kind of issue is it? I know tons of people who were born with birth defects (preemies, my brothers are twins and they had ingrown toenails, cleft lip/palates, etc.) and I wouldn’t automatically ditch any of them just for that.
Annon
Same Annon as above.
Met the guy on Friday night, he walks with a limp and has voice issues while speaking, it was due to an illness from pre-mature birth. Beyond that, he was adamant and strongly preferred his wife to stay home after kids just like his mom did. For me this was the biggest deal breaker, especially when I told him several times before I am looking most is an equal partner who will always wholeheartedly support my professional career goals. Most of my past relationships started organically from within friends/former co-worker circle and I would likely overlook the physical issues if we had a great connection otherwise, I just did not find it that evening. Dating sucks, this was one promising lead for past two weeks, now back to square one.
Wannabe Runner
Good call.
Rosalita
Oh, honey.
Back in say 2010, I was absolutely obsessed with a handsome guy who lived in a town a few hours away. I tangentially knew him through work, and became friends with his co-workers so that I could get to see him more often. We hooked up once at a work-related conference (I was in his same field/practice area) and then about 6 months later. I went to visit him once. He would text me about once a day. I would beg him to come visit me. He would tell me things like how he needed a new car and there was a dealer in my town… and then a few weeks later he would buy one in his own town, and I would be disappointed. This went on for like a year. I was just basically being an idiot and thinking there was a relationship when there wasn’t one at all. I was thinking about him all the time. He was not normally thinking about me.
Then he told me one spring that he was going to grad school the next fall, half-way across the country. That summer, as I was getting ready to say goodbye to him and was telling him how much I would miss him, he was dating a co-worker of his. He would text me every day, including pretty involved conversations on like Friday evenings. But he was with her. I found out when one of our mutual friends posted a picture of them on facebook.
The closest big airport was in my town, so he stopped and gave me a goodbye kiss on the way to the airport. Turns out, instead of getting on the plane, he was picking up a *third woman* who had flown in to road-trip with him to his new school.
So, after that, I was pretty devastated. I took a self-imposed Man Hiatus. I wasn’t sure how long I was going to last, but I wasn’t going to date for quite some time. I also learned a lot from http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk , a site that I discovered here.
About 7-8 months later I started putting my online dating profiles up. I met a super sweet romantic guy on Okcupid. He and I got married this spring.
I think my Man Hiatus really helped me figure out what was important – the relationship has to be real, and the dude really has to put you first. There was also a time in my life when I was pushing away really good guys. I’m not sure why it was, but I wouldn’t want to date guys that were “too nice,” because I saw myself as too much for them to handle, or too badly behaved and not wanting to “corrupt them,” i.e., not deserving of them. But my DH, I know he’s super nice, and I would not want to do anything to hurt his feelings, including pulling myself away from him. He is deserving of real love, and he helped me figure out that so am I. :)
Corduroy
Old Spinster,
I’m sorry to hear about your breakup.
I have found these stories very inspiring and am thankful you asked for some. I’m grieving a breakup right now, too.
This is a slight thread-jack, but I’d be very curious to know what the hive thinks re: closure and contact after a breakup.
For context, I was recently dumped by the man with whom I shared the best relationship I’ve ever experienced. We were only together for a short time- 5 months- but both fell very hard very fast. Unfortunately, the relationship also disintegrated very suddenly, too. There were absolutely no signs on my end that the breakup was near. Then one night, I was completely ignored and the next I got a CALL from him on his way home from work with the bad news. He played the “it’s not you, it’s me” card. I am still emotionally devastated 3 1/2 months down the line. I have so many unanswered questions. Was this all a lie for him? Was he cheating on me?
My dignity says that I should continue with my plan of no contact- we haven’t spoken since that phone call. But I’m wondering if my curiosity and hurt will ever die. I can’t really stand the feelings of heartbreak anymore. They’ve lasted almost as long as the relationship. I had really built up a lot of momentum and hope in my heart over this guy. Beyond my lingering questions, I miss his presence and friendship in my life, and the scorched earth approach still has me feeling soul-destroyed.
Rosalita
Yes yes yes, continue No Contact! Nothing good will come from getting back in touch now. He sounds like a really bad idea, and you deserve better.
Please check out all the advice on http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk.
Corduroy
What a great resource, Rosalita. Thanks for providing the link. I’ve already found it helpful.
Thank you for confirming for me what my intuition is screaming.
The Careerist Article
… got me thinking. We have a law school intern this summer who is young, super bright, going places, etc… and I just found out she has a 5 year old already. Obviously not for everyone, but it made me thinking of all my child-free 30-ish friends in law firms and finance who are panicking about how they’re going to have kids and if that’s going to derail their career progress and it made me think: maybe it’s better to have kids after college, then go to law school/b-school, and then focus on your career. I know nothing is ever straighforward and life doesn’t always work out that way, you don’t always meet the right guy at that point, so on, but still. I feel like I and so many of my friends were discouraged from even considering the possibility because we had career ambitions and you don’t derail them by having children at 24-25 was the refrain we heard everywhere, but maybe this should be broadcast as more of an option so that young women with graduate education goals at least think about the possibilities? I remember a classmate who got pregnant first year and everyone acted like she just threw her life away. But all she missed out on was one semester. Looking back, law school is just not that hard. I am curious what others think about this. I feel like, looking back, I wish I considered it more of an option.
Yes
This made me think as well. One of our interns this summer has a 5 year old daughter and I was like wait, what? I’m 26, went straight through college to law school, got married at 24, and never considered having kids until ~29 or 30 at the very earliest because I needed to “start my career.” I’m finishing up a clerkship now, and I’m not going to lie, this made me think that (financial, personal issues aside), it would almost make more sense to have kids after my clerkship rather than after a couple years into my next position. Or maybe not. I don’t know. But the point is, I never considered this flip side before until this article.
lawsuited
I graduated undergrad and started law school at 22 and got married at 23. My husband wasn’t making much money and I was spending crazy money on law school, so although I had the time to have a baby, we couldn’t afford it. Now I’m 26, working very long hours making very good money, and could financially afford to have a child but now can’t afford the time. I feel like there is no good solution.
MH
I had a couple friends have babies in law school and I think it was genius. School was harder, but the schedule was so much more flexible than work. They actually graduated on time, or just a semester behind. Now it seems like they are a step ahead because they got through all the initial sleepless nights and have developed a rhythm.
Senior Attorney
I had my son at the beginning of my second year in law school, and graduated on time. Smartest thing I ever did. My schedule was reasonably flexible when he was a baby, and I didn’t have to go to work full time until he was two. Plus he was up and grown by the time I was in my early 50s.
Frugal doc..
I think for many of us on the graduate school/career track, we just were not in a position at age 24 to start having kids. Most were not married/stable enough.
But definitely, that was the advice that I got from a couple senior women in Medicine. I remember a luncheon (“Women in Medicine”) in which senior women faculty would meet with us and tell their story of “success”. One famous surgeon said that the secret to her balancing work (a successful research and clinical career) and family (two kids) was marrying a man in finance (his job could move to wherever she got a faculty position) who also made good money (to afford the live in nanny while she was in training for years…) and she had the kids while she was still in medical/graduate school… and actually had more time to spend with them (!).
All of us laughed when she told us to “have your kids now…..”, since none of us were married!
Batgirl
This is what kind of irks me about all this talk of “when to have kids” — it presumes so much about one’s ability to start at the exact age they want to. As if finding the right partner wasn’t an issue at all. Most of my early-30s friends in NYC are still looking for mates!
preg anon
I still think it’s a helpful discussion. I had met the right mate, and we never ever considered having kids earlier because we were both in professional school. I think that’s all the OP is saying; assuming you are ready, it should be presented as an option. I’m happy with the way things have turned out for us, but with partnership looming, I can’t help but think it would have been easier to have kids in law school. And like the OP said, I knew only one woman in law school who had kids, and I thought she was certifiably crazy for making that choice. Now I think she may have been right.
preg anon
It’s like some of the criticisms of Lean In. Sure, she’s talking to a small group of women who have means, but that’s her audience. The audience of these types of discussions is a a small group of women, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a discussion worth having.
sharpest
Without knowing any of your friends, and therefor acknowledging that I am totally making this up (and giving you the freedom to discount this appropriately) it is possible that the reason they haven’t yet found mates is because they were focused on other things besides mate-seeking for the past 12 years. If they single-mindedly focused on finding a spouse starting at age 18, they might have found that person.
I’m not suggesting that this is a preferable way to go about mate-finding AT ALL or that it is “wrong” to focus on career, friends, and/or having fun in your 20’s, just that there might be some agency involved in this. If it was one’s goal to be married and pregnant by 25, one would probably find a way to make that happen (or increase the chances of it happening).
Batgirl
@Sharpest–While I don’t know that I’d encourage any woman (or man for that matter) to focus singularly on finding a mate, I know from my own experience, that I was looking to meet the man I would marry from college on, and only found someone last year (at 33) that seems to be right for me (and who feels mutually).
I really don’t think it’s true that it’s just a matter of wanting it badly enough. I know many, many, many smart, accomplished women who want serious relationships who have been unable to find suitable partners for years. Maybe it’s a NYC thing, but I don’t think that’s that out of the ordinary.
AIMS
I agree that any discussion like this presumes a lot, but I also think that it’s helpful to think about these things because they shape what we look for and when, too. I was in a long term relationship in my early 20s but I didn’t think of it as “settling down” and I wasn’t trying to “settle down” because I was “young” and should be “having fun.” Most of my friends weren’t looking to get serious either. I did have one friend who really did want to get married early on and have kids while she was still in her 20s and she made it a point to date mostly guys in their late 20s and early 30s. There’s no right way, but I think we do have this culture of “don’t think about it till later” and then later becomes fraught with its own problems. If I had a younger sister, I would definitely encourage her to think about these things early. Instead I grew up with an association of pregnancy (and even early marriage) as something that happened to young women only if the scr*wed up.
Batgirl
That’s all very true. I guess I’ve been looking for a lasting relationship since college and hadn’t been able to find one until this past year. I think it’s also very easy to say that you’re ready for kids when you’re not in a position to have them. My married friends are generally less concerned about biological clocks (even though they haven’t tried for kids yet) than my single friends of the same age–the reason being obvious, but I keep thinking to myself that I’d surely have had kids right away if I’d been married. Probably not true!
I just hate feeling blamed by the media for “selfishly” waiting or “selfishly” relying on “unnatural” interventions when the choice never really felt like it was mine alone to begin with.
Batgirl
I guess I would add that these conversations are popping up all over the place and are typically very critical of women who “squandered” their reproductive years focused on their careers, when, for many women, it wasn’t a choice they were making so much as the hand they were dealt.
I think it’s definitely a valid conversation to have, but so many times these conversations are had in the context of blaming women for doing one thing and not the other, as if the decision of when to have a child were made in a bubble that didn’t factor in mates. None of which is to say that that was the tone of the OP! I just have a bit of a knee-jerk reaction to this because, at 34 and (hopefully) close to getting married for the first time and having children, I’d love to have had kids younger, but I didn’t have that choice unless I’d have done it alone.
Mpls
I wonder if it helps to reframe the conversation from “you SHOULD have kids when you are 24 (or whatever)” to “don’t be afraid to have kids at 24 because you think it might ruin your career”.
I agree that it’s helpful to have the conversation because there has been such an emphasis on getting your career life in order before you think about a family that it’s helpful to break the paradigm of how to build a professional life/career. But the word “should” gets thrown around by people thinking how they would do it differently (or people that did it that way and it worked for them), when they mean “consider trying”.
Allie
I think that’s what the OP said. Not you should, but just should consider more of an option. I think this is such a touchy subject though that people read-in ‘should’ into any discussion and any discussion seems to imply choices as better and worse, right and wrong. Obviously, it’s only what is better or worse for you. I didn’t want to give up any of my freedom when I was in my 20s so a baby wasn’t something I would consider. Although I do get that if I were to have one now, I’d still be giving up freedom, just at a different time!
Anony
DH & I are expecting our first during this upcoming school year (I’ll be a 3L; aka last year of law school; DH is not in school). I’m kind of freaking out about finding childcare for a 3-wk-old baby so that I can go back to class, so I’m glad to hear plenty of people have figured it out before me! (but seriously — to daycares even take 3-week-old babies?)
RR
Most daycares start at 6 weeks, so you may need to find a babysitter/cobble together family/etc. for the first three.
January
Yup. Not that I was ever in a position to do this, but when I finished two years of clerking, I realized that, in hindsight, it is probably easier to get married after college, have a kid or two in law school, clerk when they’re young, and then go into private practice. For one thing, the kids are already in existence, so you don’t have to worry about their potential impact on your career because they’re a known quantity by the time you get started. Oh well.
Bingo
Just realized this from doing my clerkship. Le sigh!
Anon
I have three kids. I had one when I was young (in college), one right after I graduated law school, and one after I had been practicing a couple of years. There are advantages and challenges at each stage, and there really is no “best” time to have a baby. There are times that are certainly better than others, but there is no perfect time. When I was in college, I had more flexibility than when I worked at a law firm, but I had far less money. But at the law firm, it was harder to take time off and I was older–which made the pregnancy harder, more tiring, etc. We just have to do the best we can!
sharpest
I remember reading an article a long time ago about how the current education/career path was designed for men and not woman-friendly at all.
Ideally, women would graduate from high school, have children in quick succession starting at 18, and then go to college & grad school once their children were in kindergarten. There are multiple benefits: it’s easier physically to have and take care of children when you’re young, the woman would have a flexible schedule while in school to continue to care for her school-aged children, and would be able to go to college, grad school, and start a career without interruption.
Of course it’s centered on a woman-at-home principal, which not everyone (including me) agrees with, but since the woman does have to be the one to physically bear the children, and someone has to put food on the table, it does make a certain amount of sense.
Obviously our entire system would have to be massively overhauled to allow for this, but it is something to think about.
B
oh my. can you imagine trying to settle down with a boy when you’re 18? I’m 30 now, and most guys my age that I know are still indifferent to getting married.
Batgirl
My experience exactly!
CKB
Lol – this is almost how I did it. Married at 19, had 3 kids between 24-30 while getting my professional designation, working full time then part time for home. Went back to work when youngest was 2 and had a few really great opportunities career wise. Now at 38 I make 6 figures, dh is a sahd, and we will celebrate our 19 th anniversary next month. I am so glad I had my kids early. However, I recognize that a big part of me being done having babies at 30 is circumstances that are beyond my control. Actually, now that I think about it, if I hadn’t had my first 3 pg end in miscarriage I would have finished having kids younger. However I’m not sure I would have finished my professional designation. So who knows where I’d be professionally if we hadn’t had those losses.
roses
I am in the right position to do exactly this if I wanted. I’m 25, about to get married, my future husband is ready to be a father, and I am pretty comfortable in my career (Biglaw but open to jumping to something less intense in a few years). But frankly, my life would completely change into something I don’t want it to yet if I had kids now. I love going out every weekend, I love living in the city, I love my hobbies. While I’m willing to give all that up in maybe 3 years to have a family, I think I’d be miserable if I did it now. I’ve been going full speed the past 10 years to get to where I am today (I worked through college), and now that I’m here I feel entitled to enjoy my freedom, money, career, and married life with just my husband. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my decision – just wanted to provide the flip side.
Batgirl
I think you should totally do just that then. A lot depends on how important having biological children is to you, how many kids you would like to have, and how genetically lucky you and your fiance are. For the vast majority of women, starting after 30 is no problem at all. Even after 33-35 if you only plan on two kids and have them fairly close together in time.
I think it’s all about balancing the pros and cons–there are pros and cons to waiting, though I think the cons start to outweigh the pros after a certain point for many women. But I wouldn’t say you’re there yet!
Taylor
Why, oh why, do we take birth control from age 15 to 35 and then fertility drugs at 35? Let’s have babies in our twenties!!!! Of course, we need to have a society that accepts that but we really need to rethink whether we are living in congruence with our bodies.
Paging preg anon.
Paging preg anon.
I think you said you were on maternity leave and close to your due date…how are you doing?
Nonny
I have been wondering the same thing since I have not seen preg anon here today or yesterday….maybe the baby has arrived!
preg anon
Oh, y’all are so so nice. Nope, no baby yet. Just waiting and feeling really anxious. I went to the doctor this morning and hadn’t progressed any further. When she told me that, I started crying. Passing your due date and still having no baby is way harder than it sounds! (I know that sounds stupid, but I just didn’t get it when other people told me how miserable they were.)
Anony
I’ve been reading a lot (11 wks pg) and have you tried all the things you can to naturally induce yourself? Ankle massages, s3x, long walks? I’m sure your baby will be here soon — hugs!!
preg anon
I haven’t tried ankle massages, but that’s next on my list. We had s3x the other day, and let me tell you, it was horrible and awkward!!! And it didn’t work!!! Aaargh. I’ve been walking a ton, eating pineapple and spicy food, etc. Nothing. Is. Working. They’re inducing on Wednesday if he’s still in there because that’s the latest my doctor will let me go, but I seriously cannot imagine still being pregnant on Wednesday.
Anony
Aawww :( I’m so sorry to hear how frustrating this is!! Definitely try accupressure points on your ankles and hands – also the space between your thumb and index finger is supposed to be another spot. Good luck!! Keep us posted!
Anonymous
When I was overdue I spent a lot of time one weekend sitting on an exercise ball and rolling around. Supposedly it helps the baby drop further down. May have been a coincidence, but I went into labor 36 hours after I started using the ball.
In know EC MD posted recently about medically proven ways to induce labor, so you may search for her post.
CKB
Take Evening Primrose Oil. I was always induced due to medical reasons and I credit EPO with getting my body ready for the induction (2 weeks early each time). Good luck!
Jessica Glitter
What is your policy/ your firm’s policy for retaining copies of your emails?
At my firm (15 atty firm in small city) emails are printed and saved electronically in the file. I save mine in outlook folders by client, but never know if it is ok to delete the emails that I have saved.
(and I guess what i am looking for is “best practice” here, since our firm doesn’t have a policy on this).
roses
Does your firm have an archives system? I keep outlook folders for active cases, but throw them into the “vault” archive when they’re through. From an IT perspective, it’s not sustainable to keep active folders for years and years worth of emails; you’ll eventually crash your system if everyone at your firm does this.
Rosalita
If you are printing them and storing them in emails, check with your boss/office manager, but it should be ok to delete them from Outlook then.
I was saving everything at an old job, and then my boss started talking about Inbox Zero, and how he was deleting everything that was saved elsewhere, and I felt much more comfortable with deleting.
Anon frump
Interview attire advice: I haven’t quite got the interview yet but it’s coming.
Portland OR (so think more casual than East Coast). The new job is in an international tech/online company’s local office (not MS or Amazon) in a finance role. I’m currently in banking (think mid-size regional bank) wearing suits, heels and panty hose. I’m 50 and over-weight, which makes me self-conscious. I don’t want to look like I’m trying to look young but I don’t want to look frumpy or out of touch. I’m energetic and want to convey that. I’ve also been told that I look 40-45 and have been carded in recent years. I also don’t want to buy anything new unless I have to because I don’t quite know the dress code at the new place and don’t want to buy anything I wouldn’t be able to wear in the future. I’m going to see if I can visit surreptitiously to scope out the dress code. It’s a small enough outpost that I don’t have any connections that work there. The company seems to be more on the straight-laced side of entrepreneur.
I have a Classiques Entier jacket in midnight blue in a slubbed silk texture with black threads – not a structured suit-type jacket. I just bought this blouse at the NAS #664840. (I’ll post the links after to avoid moderation.) They have it styled with a jacket #665965 so I think it looks good together – see link. I’d wear it with The Skirt in black.
We’ve had the panty-hose/no hose debate here a lot but I think I’d have to wear them. Or I could wear black pants but I don’t feel polished in pants.
Opinions? Frumpy?
MH
I think that could look great! My only thought is that patterns can sometimes lean too busy and maybe read frumpy. Maybe a nice silk shell in a solid color with an interesting neck detail? Of course, the best thing is just to wear something that makes you feel great so you exude confidence. Don’t be self-conscious about your weight. I bet you look wonderful and you notice flaws that no one else sees.
mo
Your jacket sounds fantastic and the whole outfit sounds great. I think if you feel more comfortable/polished in a skirt and hose then you should do that so you’re not fidgeting or otherwise being noticeably uncomfortable.
Lyssa
Hubby and I are planning our first post-baby vacation (of sorts).
In early September, we’ll be heading to D.C. We’re staying with my parents, so it will be easy on that front, but I’d love some advice on what we can do with a 9-month old in the capital. A big part of me wants to show him everything, because I think that it’s super-awesome, but, of course, he won’t really get most of it. We’re thinking the zoo, the monuments, the natural science museum (which I love), and the Air and Space museum (which hubby loves), for sure, and that those would have a lot to grab baby’s attention. What else? I love the national history museum – do you think baby would be OK with it? Would it be at all possible to go up the Washington Monument with baby in tow? (He’s a really well-behaved and easy-going child, BTW) Since we’ve got some time, any less-obvious things we should check out?
We’re also planning a side-trip to NYC overnight, without baby. Hubby’s never been, and I haven’t been since I was a teen. We’re either flying or riding a train early one morning and coming back late the next day (plane tickets were surprisingly cheap to JFK – any tips on which would be easier?)
Anyone have tips on what we should do (tourist-y, classic NY stuff is perfectly fine – just not sure how to make the list!)
How about where to stay?
Cool place to do dinner? We love to go out and want to do something very New York-y, but will probably be packing very light, so we’ll probably need to make it somewhere you don’t need to dress up too, too much (although we do really like a nice dinner). But we’d like a “no-where else” sort of experience.
TIA!
tesyaa
The zoo sounds like a good choice. We took our oldest daughter to the Grand Canyon when she was 11 months and she doesn’t remember it (of course), but at least we have pics, so take a lot of pictures of your baby with the sites. Does your baby like ice cream? We went to DC 3 years ago with our kids and the highlight was the ice cream vending cart on every corner. We must have had it 2x per day, at least. (Actually, our kids were older and the highlights were the monuments, the Capitol and the Air & Space Museum, but the ice cream was a big part of it).
Lyssa
Heh, he so loves ice cream. They actually came to meet me for lunch today, and we stopped and got ice cream, and he was very insistent that I must give him every other bite while holding him. Probably not the best thing for him, but it was just so cute! (I kept his bites tiny.)
tesyaa
It certainly won’t kill him, plus, you know, it has calcium (and probiotics if it’s frozen yogurt). :)
TBK
The monument is under repair right now, so no one can go up in it (repairing the damage from the earthquake a few years ago).
Lyssa
Drat! We were there a few years ago and really wanted to go, but didn’t get tickets in time. Oh, well.
L
Double check me, but the National Cathedral also has a really great view. I know they had some earthquake issues, but I’m pretty sure everything is fully restored at this point.
anon
Check out the Old Post Office Pavilion. They are renovating the building into a hotel, but I think the tower is still open.
B
Hudson Clearwater – in the W. Village and while the food is great, you don’t need to be super dressed up.
I’ve also noticed that most restaurants don’t actually have a super strict dress code anymore (they get that there are a lot of tourists). See also Babbo.
Depending on how much you want to spend/what time you land, getting through an airport/ getting out of one of the NYC airports and into the city can take just as long as jumping on a train.
Anne Shirley
I think the baby won’t care what you do, so plan what you’d like to see the most.
Train is def easier to NYC, but flying isn’t that much more difficult. I’ll let someone cooler handle dinner tips, but attire wise unless you’re really going all out jeans and a cute top works pretty much anywhere. Do not wear sneakers (not that you would, but hubbie maybe?). My first time list would include visiting the Sept 11 memorial, Top of the Rock, the Met, and central park.
Jules
The sneakers comment made me laugh. My husband and I are going to NY for several days next month and I’ve been looking for some cute walking shoes. He says “wear those shoes you wear to the gym! (New Balance cross trainers). The only important thing is to be comfortable, right?” Um, no. I tried to explain that comfort is not the only consideration in footwear, he totally does not get it.
And speaking of walking shoes, these are what I’m thinking about — are they cute, or cutesy?
http://www.zappos.com/keen-harvest-mj-mimosa?zfcTest=fcl%3A0
Hel-lo
I like those shoes. But I’m not sure they are NYC.
But eff it. I’d just wear running shoes. I don’t care if I look slightly touristy – My feet won’t hurt. No one is going to mistake me for a NYC’er anyway.
AIMS
I agree about the train. You’ll save so much time on security and you should factor in costs of a taxi/other transportation if you need to commute from the airport. Technically, from JFK you could do airtrain ($5 x 2) to the subway ($2.25 x 2) but that will cut into your time here as it will be roughly 1 1/2 hr. to get to the City that way (depending on where you’re headed). A cab is faster (if there’s no traffic) but will set you back $45 plus tip and any toll.
As for what to do — the Empire State Building is open till 1 or 2 am, last elevator up around midnight or 11 p.m. Definitely fun to go up there at night (and less crowded). You won’t see as far in the dark but the view is so much better! For a cheaper but no less nice view, go to the Met and then make sure you go to the Roof Garden. It should still be open in September. Open later Friday and Saturday. There’s a bar up there and you can get a drink, and the view is just Central Park tree tops and gorgeous buildings – amazing! Keep in mine, btw, that admission for the Met is “suggested” so you can give whatever you think is reasonable.
Other NYC things you may want to do while you’re here – the Highline; lunch at ShakeShack in Madison Sq. Park (although less a NYC thing now that they’re everywhere); ride the Staten Island Ferry there and back for the most amazing view of the City & the Statute of Liberty (do this mid day when it’s not crowded; if you go, I’d recommend having lunch down near Stone Street, it’s very charming – or you can go to Luke’s Lobster there and get a a roll to go) (the ferry is free and I believe they have beer); have some great c*cktails or craft beers somewhere (we have tons of options for this); Central Park; walk down past all the shops on 5th avenue in midtown, stop by Rockfeller Center; I (and most people who live here) hate Times Sq. but you should probably make a quick stop there just to see it in all its insanity…. Oh, and if you want to see a show, you can get same day tickets at TKTS booths for many Broadway shows at half price (but don’t go to the booth in Times Sq., go to the Seaport – it’s almost never crowded so you won’t waste time online).
Anyway, just enjoy and have fun. There are too many restaurants to recommend for dinner but if you know where you’ll be staying or if you have a favorite cuisine , it may be easier to recommend something specific.
Oreo
The Washington Monument is closed for repairs until 2014 so not possible on that one. You could try the Old Post Office tower if you want a great aerial of DC.
hellskitchen
Take the train from DC to NYC – overall it’s easier/cheaper to get to the train stations in DC & NYC than to the airports – this is especially true for NYC. It takes the same amount of time and may be even faster once you factor in that you have to get to the airport one hour before your flight. And cost-wise Amtrak often runs specials that give you 50% off on a companion fare so it might be cheaper to take the train. Just check Deals on their website. Not to mention it’s hassle free since you show up 15-20 minutes before your train leaves and don’t have to worry about security check or the 3 oz. rule :-)
hellskitchen
My favorite dinner spots in NYC are Momofuku Noodle Bar, Red Rooster in Harlem and Buddakan in Chelsea. Jeans and a nice top will suffice for any of these
Bonnie
I think flying into NYC is more of a pain than taking the train because you still have to get into the city. In DC, you can also check out the National Arboretum. The Washington Post online has a good guide to festivals and other free events.
L
The botanical gardens are awesome and near the capitol. If you wanted to do the drive (or your parents) there’s also a childrens museum in national harbor, but yours may be too young for that. If you’re here over a weekend, check out eastern market. Also, I really love the WWII monument and from there you could walk over to the tidal basin or this little park near the vietnam memorial.
Anonymous
If your baby is 9 months old I would do a lot more of what you want to do and not focus too much on enriching him. Don’t overdo it, which is the biggest mistake people make in DC. From April-October I just see exhausted tourists at the end of the day on my commute home. There’s no reason to do that to yourself. I would pick one big activity a day (so the zoo one day, air and space the next, and the natural history museum is right near the air and space museum (across the mall). Keep in mind that the mall is like 2.5miles long (it’s a 5 mile loop if you run around the whole thing). A neat out of the way thing to do the Mansion on O street. I love to just walk around Embassy Row because a lot of the embassies are beautiful.
As for getting to NYC, I would take the train. I live in DC and it is SO easy. You only have to get to the train 15 mins before it departs, you don’t have to deal with security/checking your bags, it’s roomy, and it drops you off right in the middle of NYC.
Oreo
Also consider a walk along the Georgetown waterfront park and general strolling along the streets of Georgetown. It’s a little harder to get to via Metro, but if you have access to a car there’s a public garage for $8/day in that area.
I agree with everyone else about train > plane, but if you want a budget friendly alternative, there’s always the buses that leave from DC’s Union Station.
Cat
if I remember correctly, the lengthy and unanimous consent of the r*tt*s on Amtrak > flying between DC and NYC may have set a still-standing site record.
have fun!
A Nonny Moose
Washington Post has a great Going Out Guide, which includes kid-friendly activities: http://www.washingtonpost.com/gog/search/q,docsPerPage_50,group_Events,sortSpecifier_Date,specialinterests_Kid%20Friendly.html
A Nationals game could be a lot of fun if you get seats in the shade!
Anon frump
Blouse http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/classiques-entier-tie-neck-stretch-silk-blouse/3459958?origin=coordinating-3459958-0-0-2&PageCategoryId=PP
Coordinated outfit http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/classiques-entier-stretch-wool-jacket/3461490?origin=related-3461490-0-1-2-2-Rich%20Relevence&PageCategoryId=PP
MacAtty
I am in the process of building a house, and am wondering if anyone has recommendations on good places to look for stuff like doorknobs, lights, faucets, etc. besides the big box hardware stores. I gravitate towards places like Restoration Hardware, Rejuvenation, and Schoolhouse Electric, but it’s getting pricey to finish an entire house through them! I’m particularly looking for good websites, since I’m in a remote rural area and don’t have a lot of time to shop during the building process. TIA!
Sydney Bristow
I assume that your contractor is hiring a plumber to do that work? If so, find out where the plumber buys his supply from and go there (or ask your contractor). You should be able to buy all your faucets through your plumber at this place at a discount and hopefully they have a showroom where someone will walk you through the process of picking everything out. Some plumbing distributors also have lighting, cabinet pulls, etc. just a heads up though that faucets tend to cost a lot more than you’d expect.
mascot
Have you looked at the Young House Love blog? They are pretty frugal and just reviewed door hardware I feel like. They usually link their sources for their projects as well as link to other renovation blogs who in turn list their sources. It might give you a few ideas.
Merabella
This was my immediate thought as well. They have great stuff, and they are frugal.
Orangerie
I’d check out Overstock… they have some nice stuff (although there’s a lot to weed through) at good prices. There’s often an extra % off or some other similar promotion.
abogada
No suggestion for online ordering, but for in-person purchases, I’ve had luck with Mendards, Ace, Craiglist, estate sales, small local hardware stores.
NOLA
You can use the big box stores for light fixtures – just be really picky. I looked a lot online and got a sense of what I liked and didn’t like, then tried a couple different stores. For my livingroom, I found the perfect light fixture hanging in the store but couldn’t find one on the shelf. Turned out all they had was the floor model – got a $100 fixture for $20.
SoCalAtty
Look around your area for wholesalers who will sell to the public. My husband is an electrical contractor, and uses a few local wholesalers who will sell to the public, and the prices you get there are MUCH better than what you would get at a big box store.
The reason they are cheaper is that they aren’t pretty – often they won’t even have a showroom – so you have to go in knowing exactly what you want. Sometimes you even need a part number. The advantage is you can save probably 25% off the prices you would get at a normal “retail” store. You might also check your local Costco if you’re a member – mine frequently has 1-2 flooring selections, a few faucets, and sometimes even toilets.
I use the stores you listed for design ideas, but would never actually order through them because, for a whole house, they are way overpriced.
Now, since you have a general contractor, he should have come to you with lists and options for all of the finishes, unless you opted to do that yourself. Even so, you should be able to use his wholesalers for the orders, and you should be able to just give the contractor a list of item numbers for the wholesaler to pull.
Knobs
Young House Love recently did a post on replacing all the door knobs upstairs in their new house. A number of ones they considered came from myknobs dot com. Not sure about quality compared to HD and Loews, but there were some cheaper options that looked great. I got kitchen cabinet hardware on sale at RH that was as cheap as what I found in Loews. So don’t count them out entirely. Also: we’ve bought fixtures at our Habitat Re-Store and other places that have salvage fixtures. Young House Love does this often and just spray paints the fixture if it’s not the color they want.
We just built a small addition and one thing I found shocking (not sure if this is common knowledge): some big-brand companies manufacture cheaper versions of their products for the big box stores. So, the Kohler sink you buy at Home Depot is actually not the same quality as the Kohler sink you buy at a plumbing supply store. Now, I assume the quality is still good since Kohler puts its name on it. But I found that fascinating (maybe I’ve been living under a rock).
TackyMum
I purchased all the knobs and pulls for three bathroom renovations and a walk-in closet (with built-ins) from MyKnobs dot com. Their prices were great, shipping was free and there were no surprises. They will also ship samples, but shipping both ways was not free.
MH
I found a bunch of really cheap drawer pull/knobs on Amazon. I was anxious because they were so cheap, but they look great. Don’t rule it out.
Tuesday
I found good prices (better than my contractor could get) for faucets on Amazon. I wouldn’t have thought of that, but after we made our selections from the manufacturers’ sites, I searched the part numbers and it came right up. For lights, check lampsplus.com.
anonypotamus
bauerware has tons of fun knobs and pulls (in a range of prices, up to very expensive), and I believe an online store called ATG Stores has a ton of fixtures (including lighting and some furniture) that my in-laws relied on when they redid the back part of their house.
momentsofabsurdity
This article makes me miss my home state SO MUCH.
http://www.buzzfeed.com/awesomer/california-is-the-most-beautiful-state-in-the-country
Anonymous
For those of you that have been/go to therapy, what pushed you to start? Has it helped or solved your problems? Would I have to go for an indefnite period of time, or could I go for 4 or 5 sessions and leave it that?
NOLA
I have been to therapy twice in my life. The first time during college when I had a crisis and needed to figure out what to do next. The second time after my divorce. I wanted to talk with someone objective who could help me sort through some of my personal issues post-divorce and didn’t want to just talk to my friends about it (although several of my friends are clinical psychologists – it’s just not right). One of the things I wanted to do was to make sure that I didn’t have an ongoing problem respecting men. There were respect issues between my parents and I ended up not respecting my now ex-H and I wanted to get through those issues and make sure I didn’t fall into patterns in my next relationship. I can’t remember how long I went to therapy, but I think it was probably about 6 months. My therapist was great, but when she decided to move away, I was in a good place. I wouldn’t say 4-5 sessions and leave it at that. You have to find a balance between getting through the issues you need to tackle and using therapy as a crutch. I would recommend therapy for people who have a difficult time coping in general or for people who have specific issues to work on. I don’t think you can put a timeline on it. Oh, and by the way, there are absolutely no respect issues with current SO so I guess I dealt with it!
Brooklyn Paralegal
I was in and out of therapy as a child (anxiety issues), but I only went to therapy once as an adult who made the conscious decision to go on my own (independent of my parents, I mean) when I was 20. I was pushed to go because I had an eating disorder and I had a moment of horror when I realized that I only remembered anything in terms of what I ate/didn’t eat. I decided I didn’t want to live the rest of my life like that.
Everyone is different, but in my experience it takes some time to warm up to someone/trust someone, even if they are a therapist. (In my case, ESPECIALLY if they’re a therapist, because I was very skeptical at that point in time.) It took me a few sessions to really open up fully and feel comfortable to be totally honest about everything, and therapy only works if you can be totally honest. That being said, maybe some people only need 4 or 5 sessions to deal with something less major. By no means do you ever HAVE to be in therapy indefinitely. I mentioned this in another thread a day or two ago, but I tend to think of therapy, like medication, as a means of helping you wade to shore and get your footing when you’re in over your head. It doesn’t have to be permanent by any means.
anon
My mother is a clinical therapist. She has had people come from infinite periods of time (like 10+ years), but that’s because they don’t actually want to do the work and just used her as a friend to talk to each week or there were MAJOR ongoing issues (severe mental illness that needed to be managed/monitored, etc.). She’s also had people come for a year, leave, come back 3 years later, stay for a few months, etc. It is going to completely depend on what issues you have and how ready you are to tackle them.
Anon for this
MAJOR VENT: I have a coworker who constantly comes in late, leaves early, and at least every two weeks is “sick” on days when I know she went out and did fun stuff the night before. She constantly talks about how hard work is for her (even though she is always on facebook) and I just want to smack her – everyone else in the office can manage to get in before 9:30 (when we are supposed to get in between 8-8:30) and it is annoying as all get out when you leave the same time.
I just have to keep repeating my mantra: It is none of my business, it is none of my business, it is none of my business…
SoCalAtty
Do any of you have the capability of working at home? I have to admit, I’m not a very good office-dweller. Some days I just can’t sit at my desk, and I’ll come in a little late (8:30-9), leave at 5:30, and go home and review documents for hours sitting on my couch.
Even so, I make it a point to have my rear end in my seat no later than 8:30 and to stay at least until 5 90% of the time, but that’s not always the case. I get on this site, but usually during conference calls where I don’t have to participate, but just be there.
anon for this
No working from home is not permitted by my supervisor. Part of me wishes I could work from home sometimes just so I didn’t have to see her blatantly breaking the rules – our punches are based on the honor system, we don’t have to clock in and out – I’m fairly certain she is saying she is in the office by 9, but she never is. I think the worst part of it is that my supervisor is aware but isn’t doing anything about it, but has been known to complain to others (very unprofessional I know).
J.M.
Next weekend I have a lunch set up with a partner at a small-ish law firm in the city where I went to law school. He contacted me via LinkedIn after I joined my law school’s alumni group (he’s an alum too). He has not outright said he wants to offer me a job, but that he is impressed by my background, and if I ever think of moving into the private sector to let him know. I researched his firm and it sounds like an amazing place to work, so I replied and now we are meeting.
I’m so excited and also so nervous. I would LOVE to work at this firm. Assuming I’m not completely misreading this, and it is in fact an interview-y lunch, how should I approach this? The invitation was couched in “take you to lunch and discuss my firm.” Should I have a lot of questions to ask? I’ve researched it pretty thoroughly already so I know a lot about their subject areas, etc.
The main questions I do have are a little touchy. 1) There don’t appear to be any female lawyers, but then there are only a few attorneys and I believe they all broke away from BigLaw and started their own firm together. They’re all alums of my law school, possibly all law school friends. Should I ask why there aren’t any women (besides support staff)? I don’t want to seem pushy or rude, and I don’t want to seem like I’m suggesting something sinister. But it did stick out to me when I was researching.
And 2) Salary. I’m coming from public interest law, and specifically a public interest law fellowship, so I make VERY LITTLE. And most of my friends are in the same field (so make ~$45K) or BigLaw (so make $100+, but we’re Midwest so it’s not NYC salaries). If it comes up and he wants me to name a figure, I’m clueless. Like, I don’t even know what range would be appropriate. Any thoughts on this? I don’t want to lowball myself but also don’t want to give some super-inflated, laughable figure. It’s a small firm so it doesn’t appear on sites like Glassdoor, etc.
Any advice would be appreciated!!
Anne Shirley
1) absolutely not. This is something you’re just going to have to gauge for yourself
2) this isn’t even a real interview, so I highly doubt it will come up. I think if it does, you can say you’d have to think about it and learn more about the firm and blah blah blah excited him and avoid giving a number.
MH
I think you treat it like a “real interview.” He will likely want to talk to you about his firm, and it’s okay to let him do a lot of talking. Just try to make sure that you put in little anecdotes about yourself that connect to things that he’s saying. Make sure that you emphaszieI would also bring a copy of your resume just in case. He may want to circulate it to the other attorneys when he gets back to the office.
I would not ask about women at the office. But, you can ask about how the firm was formed, whether it wants to grow, what sort of attorneys do they want to add to the practice. You an ask what they expect out of their attorneys – is it an eat-what-you-kill firm? Why did they decide to leave their other firms? Are they all partners, or do they have any other associates? What is their approach to mentoring within the firm? Do they want entrepreneurial types of lawyers – if so, how do they support marketing efforts? How do they generate business? This will give you insight into the firm and also what your salary will be.
If salary does come up, I would not sell yourself short. Obviously you have a good resume because he contacted you, so you can say something along the liens of “well, I’d need to look into a few things before I’m willing to throw out a number, but at this stage I’m transitioning out of public interest law and am definitely looking for competitive offers.” Salaries for small firms range all over the place. If it is an eat-what-you-kill place then I think (but I may be wrong) that you may have a smaller salary with an opportunity for a bigger bonus depending on what the firm brings in.
I am a banana.
Just had a bad performance review. A really bad one. I’m having flashbacks to 1L and that crushing feeling of, “I’m trying very hard, but I”m just not very good at this.”
Any stories of other lawyers out there who moved on to do something else with their lives and are happy now? I could use a little light at the end of the work tunnel.
SoCalAtty
I’m so sorry…I know exactly how you feel. I’ve moved in-house and LOVE it, but it is probably more because of the team I work on than really the in house move. Lawyers, especially the kind that supervise other lawyers, can be really, really soul crushing when they are supposed to be offering constructive criticism.
Try to really figure out what it is they’re looking for. I’ve even sent follow up emails that read something like “I understand that you feel I could improve in the areas of X, Y and Z. In order to develop those skills, I plan to….” (and insert some professional development things you want to do in those areas)
In my case, the lawyer didn’t like my writing style (interesting, because I have published in teaching writing and actually have taught composition classes, but that was her take, and it was her firm!), so I offered to attend a few written advocacy classes by a well known lecturer. It was actually helpful for me, and strengthened my brief writing, and she felt like I was taking the criticism to heart. The series reaffirmed for me that I really am a good writer and she was crazy, but at least it made both of us happy!
Since it’s Friday, and there isn’t much you can do at this point in the day, just set it aside for the rest of the day and relax so you can respond with a clear head first thing on Monday. Hugs and wine and/or ice cream!
Ruby
i’m sure you aware, but there are different kinds of writing- i just got rid of an employee who thought she was a great writer, but was academic in style; in corporate, her stuff was beyond useless. just saying- be open to possibiltiy that your writing needs to be tuned to the audience- and listen.
Carrie Preston
Oh that’s hard but since you reference 1L are you a first year lawyer/is this your first one? It was part of my biglaw firm’s practice in my group to give brutal reviews to first years. Part of the hazing/training process. Sucked at the time but I did learn some things, however I think there are better ways to do that.
Ciao, pues
Please don’t let one bad performance review make you feel like you need to transition out of law. Think of this as a chance to really focus on honing your skills and becoming a better lawyer. Your supervisor may have done you a favor by highlighting the things you need to work on. So get to work! Don’t give up if this is what you want to do; just get better. You can do it!
I am a banana.
Thanks for this, by the way.
Senior Attorney
I don’t know if you’re still reading, but my first review in BigLaw was just awful! I moved to a MidLaw firm and made partner, and then moved to the public sector where I have a very responsible job with good pay, good hours, a lot of responsibility and decent prestige.
Believe me, life goes on!
I am a banana.
Thanks, all. I’m a third year, so it was not my first review, but it was the first legitimately bad one I’ve had. It steamrolled me, because I thought I’d had a really solid year – I’ve gotten great results for clients and thought my writing had improved a lot, but apparently not at the rate they want it to.
I’m going to work on improving, but I think it might be time to start floating my resume.
Review anon
I am a banana – something similar happened to me before. Do you think there could be someone trying to push you out? I think that’s what happened to me. I switched firms and am a million times happier at my current firm.
I am a banana.
God I hope not.
Workload Issues
Hi – can anyone give me any tips on time management? I am in meetings from 8-6pm, sometimes 8-8pm, almost always back to back, which leaves me minimal time to check/respond to emails and do work during regular work hours (which I define as 8-8pm). I’ve tried blocking out my calendar to do work/emails, delegating more to my team, constant reprioritization and also trying to say no, but the workload is huge and really not possible to do with our current headcount. Increasing headcount isn’t possible, and the Partners aren’t helpful, so I’m feeling stuck. I’m sure many of you probably have similar hours, but I can’t sustain my 80-90hr work weeks much longer – it’s been like this for several years. Short of leaving the firm, I’m hoping better time management will help. Thanks!
Anonymous
If none of your time is your own, it sounds like you need better meeting management. Focus, make the participants focus, and end each meeting 10 minutes early for a week so that everyone can learn to be more efficient?
Workload Issues
I hadn’t thought about ending the meetings early, but will certainly give this a try for the meetings that I own. Thanks!
Carrie Preston
What about multitasking during meetings? E.g. Bring your laptop and keepnup with email during the day? I’m sure it depends on the meeting but I manage this for about 50% of mine and it makes a difference. Also, is this every day? I try to have meetings tues, wed, thurs so Monday and Fridays I can get things done. Second the take charge of meetings you’re responsible for, end early and cancel if you can accomplish the goal some other way (email, chat, quick phone call, etc.) – so many meetings are a waste of time, use them judiciously.
Not a lawyer
Do you have to attend every meeting you’re invited to? If its at all possible, decline an invite once or twice a week- only attend meetings that you own or that you are a contributor. At our company, many meetings turn into “updates of current project” meeting- which could be done over email- and are the perfect opportunity to decline/ lock yourself in the office and catch up.
So Real
I made my first trip to Ann Taylors and bought two tops. Thanks Corporette posters for introducing me to the wonderful merchandise at Ann Taylor!
email etiquette
Any thoughts on how to respond to emails with praise from superiors? I feel rude letting it go unacknowledged but it seems a bit formal to respond and say thank you, especially to partners with whom I have a casual relationship. If the compliment were delivered in person I would definitely say thank you but somehow it seems more awkward over email.
JJ
I generally respond by thanking them casually and saying something to the effect of “Happy to help!”
k-padi
“Thank you!”
Hel-lo
And then print out the email and store it in a “Brag file” you keep in your desk drawer. Review said file when you’re feeling bad about your job, or when you need to list accomplishments on a resume.
Hola Cola
I have a question for the hive. How do I keep my dignity/right to privacy in an office environment that asks me to engage in ropes courses, hiking, biking, etc all in the name of “team building.” I’m more than willing to do these activities during my own personal time and I do – I am currently trying to lose weight and get healthy by taking classes and biking during my free time. However, I really don’t care to participate in these activities with my colleagues. Those of you who are fit probably wouldn’t understand (I know this because I was very fit for most of my life and back then I would roll my eyes at folks who weren’t “team players” – lesson learned) but those of you in less-than-stellar shape (or obese like me) may understand that many of these activities are MORTIFYING and just the prospect of fitting into a harness let alone having my fat a$$ hanging high up in the air for all to see/photograph/post on the company website makes me want to die. How do I maintain my dignity under these circumstances? If I opt out, I’ll still have to go and sit on the sidelines since the whole office will be going and that would give the impression that I’m not a team player. If I participate (which would be fun if it were JUST ME and my actual FRIENDS) I get to re-live this humiliation over and over again when the pics are posted online. Yay?
A thought
I’m sorry — this seems so uncomfortable to you. People, maybe your co-workers, seem to have the attention spans of gnats, especially if things aren’t about them. They probably won’t be paying that much attention to the outing or to any person in particular (plus, there may be craziness — someone shows up in something wildly inappropriate, etc.). They may pay attention to the on-line pictures, but my guess is that that lasts for about 5 minutes before people are moving on to something else. It seems to be a huge deal for you, but maybe it would be comforting to think that it is probably not getting a lot of attention from anyone else.
Good luck!
Hola Cola
Thank you. I’m sure you are correct – it’s probably only a real big deal to me and not everyone else. I’ll try to keep that in mind if I participate.
SFBayA
This is the perfect time for a white lie. Claim an injury, ideally a knee injury. Your knee has gone wonky (maybe during running, or you banged into a table leg at exactly the wrong angle or playing soccer or at spin class and yeah, we’re all getting older ha ha!), you’re seeing a physical therapist to heal it properly, bonus points if you wear a brace for a bit of time before, during, and after these events. As per your physical therapist, right now it is not healthy for you to bike, hike, or do a ropes course – it will just aggravate your knee. You would love to participate, but right now you just can’t. Gee, maybe next year when you’re all healed!
SFBayA
Of course, ix-nay on talking about the iking-bay in your spare time with this plan. The key to a good lie is consistency and simplicity.
Hola Cola
I’m considering the white lie. ;) They know I’m trying to lose weight and they seem to think that this will just be good exercise for me. I can’t really expect them to understand. I have a hard enough time finding something that allows me to feel good about myself when I get dress in the morning, let alone having to find work appropriate work out clothing that still keeps me looking professional around my colleagues! I mean, let’s be real here – we all know skinnier folks get promoted, make more money, etc. etc… At least with regular work attire I can mask a few pounds, but yoga pants, shorts and sweats are not forgiving. Ugh… Yeah… The white lie is looking more and more like an option. Thanks for responding.
SFBayA
The best lies are based in truth. You HAVE been working out and getting exercise (not that it’s any of their damn business, jerkfaces). So the next part is logical – during said activities, you tweaked out your knee. It sucks. It hurts. You wish your knee wasn’t wonked, but it is. You are looking forward to exercising again (not that it’s any of their damn business, a$$hats) so you want to be sure to follow the physical therapist’s instructions and not f up your knee worse with group exercise activities while your knee is healing. So golly gosh gee, unfortunately, you can’t participate in these activities this time but you are super duper looking forward to next year!
PS there have been discussions here that sound similar to your feelings about your current figure. I believe the general consensus is that while it’s great to focus on your health and lose weight if you want to (but you don’t have to if you don’t want to!), you shouldn’t “punish” yourself by forcing yourself to wear unflattering and ill-fitting clothes while you are in your current figure. You deserve to feel good and to wear clothes that make you feel good, even if you’re not 1000% thrilled with your current body. So, not that I know anything at all, but maybe consider buying some clothes that make you feel good with how you are now, even as you continue to take care of yourself in the way you want to.
SpaceMountain
I did a climbing wall (with the church youth team-building group; it was mortifying but at least those watching were not work colleagues) and it was a huge setback for my previously sore knee; it hurt for like the next month. Bike riding was the only thing to make it feel better. So tell them you have a sore knee, bring a camera and take pictures, and don’t let the hired event leaders bully you into doing it.
Anonymous
Thanks Space Mountain! I have a fancy camera I can bring. :)
SoCalAtty
Are these things really mandatory? You’re the second poster to post something like that (the other was karaoke, which is pretty horrifying).
My office is very activity / fitness oriented, and we do things like this all the time, but it is 100% optional (it’s an office full of architects and designers, they’re all about image here, and that can get stressful). If you go, great, if you don’t, that’s ok too. Can you suddenly have a trip planned to visit family? A pre-planned vacation? Dental work?
Maybe you could volunteer to be the official photographer. I have to admit I’ve wiggled out of some activities this way by playing “historian.” I think it is awful employers would pressure people into doing something that they aren’t comfortable doing. It’s not high school.
If there is a harness involved, and you HAVE to do it, I would call ahead, check the harness type, and show up with my own. You can get a great one at REI for under $60 when they are on sale, and if this is a frequent thing, I would think about it. Same with climbing pants. For hiking and biking, it just wouldn’t be fun if those weren’t “your” activities. Before last year, I hadn’t been on a bike since I was a kid, and there was NO WAY anyone could have convinced me otherwise. Now I have my own and I’m ok, but I would have just flat out refused before very recently.
Hiking is awful if you’re not conditioned for it. I’m active, and when I’m not training for hiking, I hate hiking. Again, that’s just one of those things that isn’t fun at all if you don’t want to be there.
My response (because that’s my sense of humor): “biking/dangling from a rope 50′ in the air? No, my idea of team building doesn’t involve potential injury…”
Hola Cola
I would totally rock some karaoke! :D But wouldn’t expect others to do it.
It isn’t mandatory but I do feel pressured to participate. It’s hard to explain but there is just a certain dynamic to the group – positive but competitive I suppose – and I’d hate for anyone to try to draw some sort of conclusion about my personality because lack of finesse in performing certain physical tasks. For example – “Cola doesn’t like to take risks and is a control freak because she won’t jump out of a tree! Seriously! :/
I agree that I should fit my local REI or athletic store to get the tools that would allow me to participate when possible. Good idea.
Thank so much. :)
Maribel
It is NOT optional! When everyone goes to happy hour but you don’t, you are missing out. Same with sports. These kind of activities tend to exclude people.
Hola Cola
True statement Maribel. There is definitely a chance of missing out if work is discussed and relationships are formed during the team building. And I risk being excluded from other events because I didn’t participate in this one. You accurately captured the pressure I feel to participate.
Sydney Bristow
Gah I’m sorry you have to deal with that. I 100% understand where you are coming from. I do agree that your coworkers really won’t pay that much attention, but there is definitely difficulty going from rationally believing that to emotionally knowing that.
My biggest fear would be the harness because I’d be scared it wouldn’t fit, they’d have to find a special bigger one, or they’d decide I was too heavy to participate. My fear is being humiated and personally that would humiliate me because there would be at least some attention on it. So personally I’d use the white lie technique for anything that involved a harness unless I’d been there already myself and knew it would work for me. The other things that just involve people seeing me in unflattering clothes are things I’d try to participate in and hold on tight to the idea that people don’t pay attention and only look at themselves in pictures.
Good luck with your weight loss journey!
Hola Cola
Thanks Sydney. The humiliation is very real for me even if others don’t think it should be. I appreciate your understanding.
Runner
Even fit people get skeeved out about these events. Really, who thinks them up? My husband’s work did a day at a water park and the water park prohibited people from participating in t-shirts, shorts, sports bras, anything but a bathing suit. Many people didn’t want to hang out w/ their colleagues in a bathing suit so they just walked from slide to slide watching the 5 or so “brave” people slide down. He said it was pretty miserable. He didn’t slide b/c after years of life guarding, he is totally grossed out by public pools.
My prior job and my current job participates in local 5ks. Even though I’m a “fit” competitive runner, I feel super awkward bumming around with the partners in my running gear. I have big boobs I can hid under suits. I can’t hide them in running clothes. I also love running my races and like to wear silly outfits and run with my friends. Instead, I have to spend them running with people I’d rather not see outside of work.
Hola Cola
“…running with people I’d rather not see outside of work.” My sentiments exactly! Having been fit before, I wondered if I would’ve enjoyed this type of group activity back when I was in shape. I probably would’ve participated… begrudgingly. It’s not that I hate my colleagues – I enjoy working with them but I guess I’m a fan of boundaries.
Water park with mandatory bathing suit! Geesh! Shoot me now! :P
I’m gonna try wearing silly things when I exercise with my friends! Sounds like a fun way to stay motivated! Thanks Runner!
Ruby
I just don’t reply and if asked say I’m busy. Whatever. I do what I can. I go to the happy hour on occasion, not into ropes course. No one bothers me. I do’nt think they care either way.
Hola Cola
You’re so lucky Ruby! This team building is during work hours and its a small “everyone is all up in your business” office. My mistake was that I shared to begin with… :( FML. Thanks!
Frugal doc..
I also had to deal with the yearly pool parties…. both when I was a graduate student (and worked for the Chairman of the dept. who was a dirty old man… taking pictures…) and then when I was in medicine/residency…. our Program Director had a yearly pool party to meet the new residents.
This just is not appropriate. No way. It’s bad enough to be the new person, but then to put me in a bathing suit?!? Are you kidding? Of course, females are the minority in my field….
I didn’t wear a bathing suit either time, and felt uncomfortable/awkward, and probably every male at the party asked me…. “where’s your suit?” The suits were worn by many wives of my male colleagues.
I am quite slender, but have not worn a bathing suit in public since I was 22 and there are good reasons…..
What the hell are these (male….) organizers thinking?!?!?!
Thank goodness at least one of my female colleagues thought these gatherings were poor form…. Dr. D. said to me….. “Bathing suit?!?! I don’t even own a pair of SHORTS!”
Here here….
Hola Cola
Here here!!
Hel-lo
Ugh. I wonder if you could start organizing non-physical team events, like trips to the museum, or volunteering at soup kitchen or something? Then you would still look like a team player, without the physicality problem?
Hola Cola
Good idea. I had thought about just running into people’s offices and doing spontaneous trust falls! :P setting up my own team building activities is a better idea. :) thanks hel-Leo’
Frou Frou
Shhhh.. but, my mother-in-law has been here (in my house) for a month, and I love her and she’s mostly great and all, but I am ready for her to head home. I feel super guilty for saying this, because this is her first trip outside of her home county, but I’m done. She leaves on Tuesday. Just needed to say it “out loud” to all of you anonymous folks so as to maintain the marital harmony around here. :)
Susie
Congrats for lasting a month, that’s more than many people could say! And your husband owes you big!
SoCalAtty
You’re better than I – I can go about 6 days with my MIL in the house, and then I suddenly vanish to a friend’s house that needs “help”
Monday
Try not to feel guilty. I’m all for marital harmony too, but being driven cray by one’s in-laws is basically part of the institution. I second the sentiment that a month is forever and if anything you should be really proud. Plan a reward for yourself for as soon as you cross the finish line!
Frou Frou
Thanks gals!
Frugal doc..
You are a great daughter in law. I agree that you should treat yourself.
My brother’s wife doesn’t even let my parents visit them – only one visit after the grandchild was born 7 years ago, and they stayed in a hotel of course.
It means so so so so much to your Mother in Law. Thank you.
Miss Pearl
I love the kate spade cosmetics cases – I might need to update mine!
Taylor
I am starting to feel angry about the happy hour crowd at my job. I don’t drink and I am becoming increasingly aware that the major decisions are made during happy hour.
big dipper
I don’t know if you’re looking for advice or just to rant, but I feel your pain. I don’t like to drink at work because I’m an incredible lightweight. One beer for me is like 3 or 4 (or 5) for some of my other friends. I’m also incredibly introverted so after work social events are kind of draining and alcohol makes it so much worse.
However, I still make an effort to go. You don’t have to drink alcohol to have fun, chat up your colleagues, and make some new office friends. I frequently will just have a diet soda or order an appetizer or something, rather than drinking alcohol. As in the discussion about the fitness related activities above – people are too self involved to worry about why you’re not drinking.
If people press me on why I’m not drinking, I usually say I’m going to the gym afterwards (which also happens to be true, most of the time). And me + alcohol + the treadmill is an accident waiting to happen.
You don’t even have to go the whole time – you could just go for 45 minutes, or go to every other happy hour instead of all of them. It will probably be more fun than you think, and you’ll also reap the professional benefits.
Anne
This. You don’t have to be there for the whole time, but showing up, having a non-alcoholic drink and participating in the discussion can really go a long way.
As a student, I would go for the Virgin Strawberry daiquiris (oh, so delicious) when heading out to pub crawls with my friends. I wanted to participate in the evening, but was not fond of beer (plus had the feeling someone had to be the responsible one, just in case)
CKB
I don’t drink either, but when there is a happy hour and I don’t have family commitments after work I go, order a ginger ale, chat with a few people and head home at a reasonable time. I would definitely make a point of being there if work decisions were being made after hours.
Sydney Bristow
Is it possible for you to go even though you don’t drink? There have been some threads here on how to hide the fact that you aren’t drinking, but you can also attend and just get a soda or something so you’re still included.
Ekaterin Nile
‘R e t t e s, I just finalized and served a 420-page expert report (at about 8 pm tonight). I’ve been working my booty off on it for two weeks, including 20 hours each weekend. I’m so happy it’s finished! But now I’m looking at my husband like “who are you again?” Perhaps I’ll celebrate with a glass of wine and some quality spousal time.
Sydney Bristow
Congratulations! Enjoy your weekend!
Hel-lo
Woo hoo!!!!! Congratulations!
Tired
Hive, I’ve had a stressful week. My beloved cat was killed and eaten by a coyote. A dear friend of mine went to the hospital with stroke-like symptoms and I haven’t had any updates on his condition. And there is an arsonist loose in my neighborhood that has set seven fires in the last month (luckily no one was harmed, but two were within a block of my old, wooden, rickety building!). I just feel so tired and weighed down and anxious and sad. It’s been like a week of reminders of my own mortality, and that of others. I just need a little love. :(
Susie
Sorry, that is a truly horrible week. Condolences for the loss of your beloved pet, best wishes for your friend, and hope things improve for you. Hang in there!
Blonde Lawyer
Seconded. I hope things start getting better and you find some comfort. Your week sounds like the kind where I decide to spend the whole weekend in bed.
Ciao, pues
my dog was killed and carried off by a coyote when i was a kid. intellectually, i get that the coyote was forced to come down from the mountain and prey on housepets because of the drought, plus my neighborhood encroached on his native land and limited his natural hunting options and all that, but still: I HATE COYOTES. hugs.
Elle
Cambridge? Go treat yourself to some cake from Sweet.
Bonnie
PSA: these classic SW heels are marked down more than half and a ail able in most sizes at last call: http://www.lastcall.com/p/Stuart-Weitzman-Daisy-Patent-Pump-Black-Stuart-Weitzman/prod10660020_cat6950001_cat000004_/?isEditorial=false&index=30&cmCat=cat000000cat000004cat6950001
NYNY
I’m hoping for some job advice. I’ve been pushing for a promotion for several months now, even was asked to write up a proposal for what my new position would be, but it hasn’t come through because my organization is large and nothing happens fast. Usually. Until it does.
Someone in a position at my level was let go this week, and I have been asked to fill in. Another person in a higher position than mine is leaving with notice, and I was told when I was given the fired person’s duties that I am the top choice to fill the soon-to-be open higher position. (Sorry so vague, trying not to out myself.)
Anyway, I’m feeling like how I handle fired person’s duties is a test for the promotion. This person’s work was a bit mysterious and lacked supervision, so I’m on a detective mission right now. And so far, I’m a bit scared of what I’m finding. I’m getting support and resources now, so I need to 1) find a way to maintain the work in the short term; and 2) figure out staffing and workflow for the long term, with a serious nod to improving compliance.
I’m having some anxiety about the whole thing. Is it a trap? (I don’t really think it is, but I have moments of being spooked.) I had a good handle on the work I was doing, and my transition plan for myself was a logical continuation of my current duties. These duties are totally new to me, so I feel less certain about what needs to happen. So far, I’m researching and documenting everything I discover, and just handling the fallout as it comes. Also constantly communicating with the big boss about what I’m discovering and what my planned next steps are.
I’d appreciate any advice on how to negotiate when this becomes an actual promotion. And advice on how to handle this transition. What do you do when you’re thrown into new territory?
Hel-lo
Sounds like you’re doing exactly the right thing. If you are being tested, great, you’ll ace it.
If you find yourself overwhelmed, at least you’ll have gained some valuable insight.
Rory H
Any suggestions for a wedding gift for an admin who is eloping? Not registered, no office group gift. Just thinking about a nice gesture. How much would you spend?
Wannabe Runner
I think this depends on what industry you are in, and how close she is to you. Maybe a bouquet of flowers upon her return? We got several gift cards to local grocery stores when we got married. We were not registered to them, but they never hurt anything.
Senior Attorney
On two different occasions I have sent bridal bouquets to brides who were eloping. They LOVED them and it was a huge, huge success.
Other than that, I’d suggest cash. Maybe a nice crisp $100 bill?