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I got this perfume discovery set a while ago and am really liking it — the scents are holding their own against some of the much more expensive perfumes I have.
I like the fun names for the scents, as well as the unusual makeup of scents. (As you may recall, I tend to prefer ones like vetiver and jasmine.)
As Ellis Brooklyn describes the scents:
Blending notes of bourbon, cedarwood, juniper berries, and violet, APRÈS Eau de Parfum is the call of the wild plus glamourous ski culture in a bottle.
BEE Eau de Parfum—a fragrance for falling in self-love—drips with honey, spices, cinnamon, cocoa absolute, and soul-warming vanilla.
Like sun-warmed, clean skin, MYTH Eau de Parfum is a magical blend of jasmine, cassis, and white musk.
SALT Eau de Parfum is a salty, sophisticated take on a beach fragrance, starring ambergris, creamy sandalwood, and Tahitian tiare.
Joy incarnate, SUN FRUIT Eau de Parfum captures the vibes of summer with creamy fig, fresh pear, jasmine, coconut, and vanilla.
The set is $21 at Sephora. (They have an 9-piece discovery set as well for $32.)
N.B. Perfume may not be acceptable at your office; a lot of people have scent sensitivities! I tend to like it for WFH days or free time.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Sales of note for 9.16.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 30% off wear-now styles
- J.Crew Factory – (ends 9/16 PM): 40% off everything + extra 70% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Extra 25% off all tops + markdowns
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
anon
Anyone else out there not looking to advance their career into a people management role? I work in IT and I’ve been happy moving up to lead role where I’m a subject matter expert. My manager is asking if I would be interested a role that would require managing a few people and and negotiating statement of work contracts with vendors. All that with continuing with the work I do now! I’m just not interested in managing people and am happy with my individual contributor role. I told him I would think about it and get back to him tomorrow, even though my answer is already a definite no.
Anon
Me, I’m in a technical leadership role. It’s a perfectly fine career path.
Anon
Me. I’m in a senior individual contributor role. The only way to move up would be to become a manager, so I’m staying where I am.
Anon
Yes. My work ambition is taking a back seat to my non-work ambitions from now until forever. Wassnt always so but is so now.
Anon2
I have no desire to manage people.
Anonymous
Yep.
Anon
Me! It’s fairly common in my field so not a huge deal at all. It does mean there’s no advancement because I’m as high as I can go organizationally as an individual contributor, but there are plenty of ways to push myself/learn more. It’s a little bit of a bummer that I’m stalled out salary wise, but I get paid well for what I do so I’ve accepted that.
Anon
I actually love managing people (I was a military officer previously), but my job is an individual role where I’m a SME. I love my work immensely and have zero desire to ever leave my company or change my work. I could seriously do this job til I’m 75 and be happy, even if that means I’d never “grow” or get the kind of big pay bump you get when you change jobs. I use my leadership skills in volunteer orgs.
anon
There are plenty of times when I regret going into people management, on top of still making individual contributions. And I actually have a hard-working, smart team with very little interpersonal drama. I still find it difficult, though. It’s a lot of pressure knowing that everything you do impacts someone else’s career. Also, some of the administrative BS that goes along with managing people is time consuming. All this to say, definitely don’t feel bad about turning down the opportunity.
Anon
Me! Attorney in government, subject matter expert. Don’t manage anyone and not intersted in moving to a management role, at least not for the next few years.
Anon
I love my work and like to be senior enough to have a say in the strategy development but not too senior so I don’t have a huge team.
The interminable meetings are another thing…
Anon
I get it, but do it eyes wide open knowing you’re capping your career at the SME level. You might be okay with that, but to advance upward, you do need to manage people and take on a broader scope of responsibility. Do it, but know the trade off.
Anon
It is fine not to want to manage people! I often remind my manager that just about all teams need good individual contributors and not everyone is cut out for (or wants to) be a people leader! Also, as a people leader myself I always tell new people leaders that managing people will increase your work load by 50%.
Anon
Anyone with a difficult parent ever suspect their parent may be autistic?
I have had a longtime very fraught relationship with a parent. They are very focused on their own interests and have an interesting social style as well as a history of alcoholism.
Recently, I was putting some pieces together about parent’s behaviors, including a weird obsession with trains, hyper fixations on certain topics, sensory issues, and general social history (married 3x, has really intense conversations only on their hyper fixations, I don’t think they could name my best friend of 20 years) and it really starts to sound like a person on the spectrum.
I don’t know that I will do anything with this thought (parent has diagnosed ADHD, if that wasn’t apparent from the lifelong ability to chug a pot of coffee and go to sleep directly afterwards), but it is an interesting realization after a lifetime of dealing with this person’s ‘quirks’.
Anon
I’m not sure how this will be helpful, in general.
I had a relative who had untreated mental illness, and his girlfriend thought he might have some autism spectrum traits and was a little fixated on trying to get them to investigate this. For example, she would give him books about people with high functioning autism. I think he was a little irritated/offended and wondered… so is this saying you don’t like me for who I am? What’s your goal/point? For my relative, once his mental illness was treated, everything dramatically improved. His compulsive habits relaxed a little, as his overall stress level/sleep improved.
For your parent’s scenario, I would be most concerned about the alcohol history, and whether he has an untreated mental health issue that he used to self medicate with alcohol. Often dissecting that/treating that is more helpful.
Anon
Oh, I have zero interest in broaching this with Parent – nothing to be gained by it.
What’s interesting is that I had always assumed it was some type of an underlying personality disorder…. Parent has been sober for a while but was clearly self medicating for something… and was only social when either drinking or talking with others about their hyperfixation.
I think part of me, as a parent now, is trying to understand how my parent treated me as a child… which was bizarre and yet they have no understanding that they could have done anything wrong? (Yet there were like huge things that were WRONG, if that makes sense.)
Therapy has taught me I can’t change this person and I’m not going to try. I think it’s just trying to understand more than anything.
Anon
Yup, I understand.
My father and brother likely have a very high functioning autistic disorder. Each have done very well in school/jobs, but have had social/family problems that have been severely affected. It actually was somewhat helpful for me when I realized they likely both shared this trait, and it did help me accept them better for who they are. I am more patient now, and I am less likely to take things personally. It still hurts though!
Each of them did have some additional mental health issues though that wax/waned over the years.
I’ll leave it for other on this thread with more inside perspective to give their impressions on whether substance use may be more common with folks who have Autism spectrum disorders.
Anon
I’ve seen stats on how frequently ASD is misdiagnosed as NPD (in men) and BPD (in women), so if even professionals are mixing them up, it’s understandable!
I know self-medicating is a big deal even with ADHD alone (especially if it’s not being treated or managed elsewise).
I am sorry for the stuff that was just wrong and hope the realization that this is a real possibility helps in some way!
Anonymous
Is your BPD here borderline personality disorder, or bipolar disorder?
Anon
I assumed borderline personality disorder?
Op here and this makes a lot of sense… having worked with several individuals with true NPD, parent exhibits a totally different type of manipulation. Like, blindness to the big picture to the point that you’re gaslit and change your actions vs. outright gaslighting and denial of facts.
It’s interesting to think about now, with many years of therapy to help me process so much of the fallout from his actions.
Anon
I meant borderline personality disorder! I think part of the difference is theory of mind (is there a tremendous amount of concern and insight into other people’s interior thoughts and feelings, or almost a seeming disregard or obliviousness?) and motivation (fear of abandonment vs. almost seeming not to feel enough of a need for other people?).
This is me speaking from memory so I may be garbling this, but the takeaway I got was that they can look very similar externally, but the reasons are very different.
Anonymous
ADHD and autism have a lot of overlapping indicators, though, including hyperfixations and lack of intuitive knowledge of social skills.
The alcoholism is not an indicator, although it is probably a coping mechinism your developed.
I came to understand one of my parents probably having ASD after my kid was diagnosed.
Anon
Yes, and for a while I thought it was just kind of… ‘oop. A slightly spoiled man child with severe ADHD and high intelligence and a little bit of a narcissist.’
But the more I allow this person back into my life, the more I notice things that are outside of that ‘box’.
Anonymous
So then assume he does have ASD and go forward accordingly…
anon
In looking at my uncle, who has struggled with alcoholism and all sorts of life issues in adulthood, I have come to realize that alcohol was likely a mask and coping strategy for undiagnosed ADHD. Possibly autism, too, though that seems less likely. He is … not the easiest person to be around.
Anonymous
Yes. I have long suspected my father has Asperger’s and then very recently had his therapist confirm that she would have had him evaluated for it if he were much younger (without my saying anything first). It is not worth it now to really address it now but she assumes it in her care for him and suggested it can be helpful to contextualize his behavior.
Anon
‘Contextualize his behavior.’
YES. That’s what I’m trying to do. Not armchair diagnosis for the sake of labeling, but to help me understand how someone could act with no remorse for major infractions and like… not notice that one of his kids (not me) didn’t speak to him for 4-5 years and instead talk about trees in the town they used to live in.
Anon
Unmasking Autism was a helpful book for me in contextualizing my parents. I had always wondered about my dad (phd, began speaking as an older toddler) but the book just made it click so much about my mom.
Anon
Forgot to add, Neurotribes is a good read too.
Anonymous
Yes, I have had this thought about my father, who is also borderline alcoholic but perhaps more socially functional (still on first marriage at least). There’s not much for me to do with it but it helps me to be more compassionate I think.
here she goes
Randomly, I had a similar thought yesterday that I think my mom has undiagnosed ADHD. It was a passing thought but it made a bunch of pieces of her behaviors click all together.
I wouldn’t say anything to her or anyone else, so on a practical level the suspicion doesn’t do anything for me. However on an emotional level, as someone who has spent a lifetime trying to understand my mom’s behavior, I think it might be helpful in increasing my empathy towards her.
Cora
I’ve also come to the conclusion that my mom has undiagnosed ADHD and its helped significantly because some things are more her having ADHD than her being rude or something. Asking her to explain her thought process once was a game changer. So thinking of things through that lens helps. It also helps when I have what the therapist calls “ADHD patterns” because there’s genetic backing
Anon
No experience, but understanding that my father was a narcissist in addition to being bipolar really helped me let go of a lot of things. So I understand why you are thinking about this.
Anon
Op here – many hugs.
My parent has some obviously narcissistic tendencies and behaviors and… it is so hard. I think the other reason I’m thinking of this is that parent currently has a potentially terminal illness (they’re responding to treatment though).
Therapy helped me accept things as they are, and lately I’m finding myself looking at my life and my children and what my role is as a parent and partner and trying to fathom how my parent did what they did and has never apologized nor thought any of it was wrong.
Anon
One of my parents has been very emotionally abusive over the years. I think this parent almost certainly has an undiagnosed mental illness, but it’s also possible that they’re just mean and extremely self-centered. If it’s the former, I should understand that they’ve done their best in difficult circumstances and have compassion. If it’s the latter, it would make sense to discontinue the relationship. So . . . I understand your desire to figure out if there’s a reason. But I haven’t had much luck with that — ultimately, just had to define boundaries and limit exposure.
Anon
another school shooting! when will this country do something
Anon
And the suspect is a woman which is so rare and bizarre!
Anonymous
This is obviously a horrible tragedy, but as a crime analyst the fact that the perpetrator is a female is fascinating.
Anon
It may not be – TBD. Some news reports are unclear. It’s very unlikely for women to become mass shooters so some skepticism is warranted. Regardless, it’s a tragedy.
Anon
It’s a 28 year old woman.
Anon
I’m waiting for name AND photo first.
Another Anon
Latest report says it was a trans man.
Anon at 3:17
I live about 4 miles away. The shooter is Audrey Elizabeth Hale, age 28. There are rumors that I consider unsubstantiated but that are third hand source to me that one or more children are at the hospital in not great shape, in addition to the three that died.
Anon
A tr@ns woman. Male to female.
Another Anon
A tr@ns woman. Male to female.
Anon
Yep. This.
Another Anon
Just got a note from my 2yo’s daycare that they’re having an active shooter drill next month. I truly, deeply hate it here.
Anon
It’s horrible but at least at age 2 they don’t fully process what is happening. It was around kindergarten it got really hard. But +1 on I hate it here.
Anon
As a non-American, this is beyond horrifying. How do you let your children go to school? How do you go to the cinema?
Anon
It’s horrible that kids have to participate in active shooter drills but statistically the risk is very very low. Deaths in car accidents are far more frequent and no one (well, almost no one) is terrified to drive.
Uhh
And yet, kids are more likely to die from being shot that any other cause of death. I think the “it’s statistically unlikely” argument is falling apart, unfortunately.
Anonymous
I’ve had shootings now at my college (NIU) and in my suburb (Highland Park during our 4th of July parade). I feel like it’s long past time to be horrified. “Not me” feels good in the moment. But the problem is that it’s becoming so common now even in “safe” areas that it will be you or someone you know at some point who witnesses this or is affected by it. Something has to be done. We made cars safer, require tests for licenses, and have put in place a bunch of traffic laws. It’s high time we start doing more about the damn guns.
Anon
No, CDC says 607 kids died in car accidents. (Just googled it and am avoiding moderation by not posting the links)
CDC (Time magazine article) also said
3.500 teens shot and killed each year and another 15,000 injured.
You don’t need automatic weapons in civilian hands. You do need transport.
Monday
This thinking has never worked for me. I want the risk of mass shootings to be zero. But even if it was just more in line with other countries, that would be bearable. I don’t find any comfort thinking about how relatively dangerous other unrelated activities are, because this is simply insane.
Anon
No, CDC says 607 kids died in car accidents.
CDC also said 3,500 kids shot and killed each year and another 15,000 injured.
You don’t need automatic weapons in civilian hands. You do need cars.
anon
Most of those children aren’t shot in school shootings (not that it is better).
anonshmanon
But car accidents are also more frequent in the US because traffic design is catered to the convenience of car drivers and everything else is deprioritized. So I don’t find that a useful thing to compare against.
Living in the US with the viewpoint of an immigrant, I also find that it puts a damper on civic life when you don’t know whether the person next to you carries a gun. It makes us treat strangers with suspicion constantly and also makes me much less likely to assert my rights, which in turn is frustrating for myself. There are countless small moments that you don’t even notice are swayed by the small possibility that someone might have a deadly weapon. This is not the way other developed countries live.
Anon
I’m not saying that makes it ok. I was answering the “how do you let your children go to school?” question. And honestly the truth is that it’s not something I worry about on a daily basis. It’s tragic and preventable and obviously I want more gun control, but the risk doesn’t keep me up at night any more than the risk of a car accident or cancer or any number of awful things do.
Anonymous
The thing is though that things like a car accident or cancer or any number of awful things won’t keep you up at night until someday you’re in the awful spot that they do. We need to start pushing for change in gun laws because it is keeping too many people up at night. When something knowingly causes cancer, we don’t just throw up our hands. It’s time to stop doing this with guns in this country.
Anon
I definitely agree things need to change and I have done a lot of activism and volunteer work for gun control. I’m just saying gun violence does not scare me personally more than other ways my kids or I could die. In fact, the thing that worries me the most in terms of my own kids is the damage being done to their mental health via active shooter drills, not the very remote chance they actually get shot.
Although I think we’re all shaped by our personal experiences. I know someone who lost a young child to cancer and my mother was seriously injured in a car accident as a child, but I (fortunately) don’t know anyone who was personally impacted by gun violence so it’s probably not a huge surprise that gun violence doesn’t loom large as a fear in my psyche. Of course I understand that it impacts other people and I want things to change (and volunteer and vote accordingly), but I was answering the question “how do you send your kids to school?” and personally I worry more about my kids being hit by a car walking to school (and for that matter the mental health impacts of school shootings and lockdown drills) than I do about them being actually killed by a bullet in school, the odds of which are statistically very low (one in 10 million each year, according to this: https://www.city-journal.org/school-shootings-horrific-but-statistically-rare)
Anon
I hear what you’re saying but I really hate it when people ask this question. I think most of us who read this board are horrified and vote against the people who refuse to make any gun laws.
At a certain point, the risk is low (though I agree it should be zero), and you cannot say locked up inside your house forever. So people continue with normal life because there’s no real option right now.
It’s not as if there is an effective an organized way to protest that will yield results on this issue currently. So just like any other threat that has a low likelihood in any other place in the world, people continue. (I know the stats about kids and guns, but the vast majority of those deaths are not school shootings.)
Anonymous
Actually, there are organized efforts at gun reform laws. That could help immensely. Just like seat belt laws did for reducing harm of car accidents. Saying there isn’t an option and that some shootings don’t count (?!) because they aren’t happening on school grounds are just excuses to continue to do nothing and accept the status quo. I’m glad more people didn’t have this attitude in the past, or we would be sitting in smoke-filled offices and watching 9 year-olds drink whiskey.
Anon
So many school shootings are averted though. It is pretty stressful to teachers who know when a gun was apprehended, authorities intervened, etc.
Anon
Do you have a source for “so many school shootings are averted”? I have never heard that. My understanding is that most guns confiscated were just a case of a kid who brought a gun to school to show friends (which is dumb, don’t get me wrong) but it doesn’t mean they intended to hurt anyone, let alone commit a mass shooting.
Anon
I don’t think there are official stats on this, and I know that dumb show-and-tell stuff happens, but there are also cases where that was more the story that they put out there. I think it stands to reason that young people and actual children fail more often than they succeed!
There is also a subculture of idolization that is small but still obviously a lot bigger than anyone who actually tries anything.
Anon
To Anon at 6:37 — I know there are lots of organized efforts. But they’re not making a change for literally tomorrow. I was answering the poster’s question about how people send their kids to school and do things outside their homes. The answer is that we work toward a longterm solution while also living our lives because it’s not stopping within the next hour and at some point, kids have to be educated and we have to go outside.
Anon
Obviously, never. Yes, I truly believe that.
Anon
Yep Sandy Hook convinced me that nothing will ever change. If that didn’t do it, I don’t know what will.
Anon
I agree. That’s when I stopped hoping.
Anon
Watching from outside, I can’t believe the Trump-style media who accuse the parents and other kids of being actors and fake.
I don’t understand how’s there’s not the political will to change it, look at the rest of the world.
Anon
I think the post-2016 (or post-2008?) polarization makes it even less likely that anything will ever happen. Conservatives are going to allow school shooting after school shooting just to own the libs.
Anon
It’s not as simple as not having the political will. The majority of Americans support gun control.
The system is just so messed up that it becomes impossible to elect people who will make that happen. Lobbying, gerrymandering, two-party system, etc.
Watch Israel
On the subject of political will, I am watching Israel very closely. Prime Minister Netanyahu is trying a classic fascist move to consolidate power in the executive branch (some in the legislative branch, but he and his coalition control the Knesset/parliament, so …). The protests over the last three months have been so pervasive and large (7% of the total population on some days) that BiBi announced today that he will postpone the first step. Obviously, that’s not enough – he needs to stop completely. But I find this so promising because it indicates that enough people, properly organized, can shift the prevailing political will. It is very early, but I am uncharacteristically optimistic and wishing we could do the same in the US.
Anon
I have to go register my kid for kindergarten today in Tennessee (although not in Nashville) and this is hitting me hard.
Anon at 3:17
Our governor and state legislature are working hard to make us the worst state in the nation. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to have a child in school here right now.
Anon
Hello, neighbor! I’m in Arkansas, and we are racing y’all to the bottom. It’s a truly terrible time to live in a red state. Especially a southern one.
Anon at 3:17
Hi neighbor! The South is becoming a cesspool. I’m a native Southerner and intend to stay no matter what, but I am so, so disappointed, on a good day, and at times feel quite hateful, on a bad day.
Anon
The kids were all 9, apparently. My son’s age. Sitting here in a work meeting trying to resist the urge to go pick him up immediately.
Anon
I feel like there have been a lot of posts over the last few days where the answer has been “you need to talk to this person!” Inspired by that, I wanted to do an informal poll – how open are you with your spouse/family/friends? Do you talk about gardening openly? Salary? Family drama? Where do you draw the line between what you share and with whom? If you thought a close friend was effing up their life, would you say anything?
Anon
The last question is distinct from the others.
I discuss salary, family drama, and gardening with a few close friends. One of my parents is on a very strict information diet, so none of that is discussed. (Other parent is not in the picture.)
I have an exceedingly high bar before I will say anything to someone about messing up their lives. Several now-former friends really stepped way out of line and made inappropriate (and, given their ignorance, cruel) comments to me. So I am reluctant to do that to anyone else.
I have had some very pointed discussions with a family member, because the pattern of “effing up their life” has been going on for decades and is at the point of no return. I try to focus on how I can help – I will pay for X, here are resources about Y – but recently did take the very massive step about bringing up public information that had not been told to me (delinquent property taxes, fast approaching forced sale to pay the city).
Cora
I’ve been thinking about that a lot. A fairly close friend quit her job impulsively and started her own very poorly defined business. People generally thought this in our friend group and among friends-of-friends. Thinking that a lot of start up founders sound arrogant and a lot of businesses that go on to be successful are shaky at the beginning most people erred on not saying anything to her.
I tried to talk to her about it, and to just get thorough non-buzzword answers for that this business would do and who its customers would be but she did not want to engage. She even put me down because I work in tech now, not finance like she did, even though we literally have the same college degree.
Long story short, the business did not work out. The other day she told me she regrets having started it. I wondered if I should have spoken up more in the beginning, but I tried and she didn’t want to hear it.
here she goes
There are so many topics buried in your post. here’s my cliff notes.
Husband: Sometimes I think we talk TOO much. We talk almost everything to death. We are very open about gardening and self-gardening, salary/work, family drama, thoughts on each other’s problems/life, etc. It works well for us.
My parents: It’s not a deep or particularly personal relationships, I talk to them weekly. I talk to them about family, family drama, friends, work stuff, hobbies, politics, current events. I really don’t go to them for advice.
Best friend: we talk about life stuff, emotions, goals, life hard stuff. I probably talk about my feelings more deeply with BFF than DH. Career stuff, although we have different style of lives so we’re more supportive of each other.
Friends: we are midwestern :) we do not discuss money or gardening in detail at all. Vague references; no one is a prude, but no one is volunteering specifics either.
I would not proactively tell a close friend that they are effing up their life. DH will with his friends, and this is one area where we just fundamentally disagree with. He doesn’t see how one cannot be open/honest with their friends if they feel like they’re messing things up. I’m way less judgmental and more to-each-their-own life, even with my close friends. Who am I to tell them what is right in their life? ONE time, after a close friend told me they had decided to get a divorce after years of debating it, did I tell my opinion (after she specifically asked “do you think I’m doing the right thing?”) that yes yes yes I thought she should definitely get a divorce. Cue two years later when they ended up not getting a divorce and close friend is not a close friend anymore. I swear reaffirming her decision with my opinion was definitely not the correct thing to do.
Anon
My best friend and I discuss EVERYTHING. The only exception is information about other people that should be private (e.g., details of her uncle’s mental health diagnosis). I don’t have a huge circle of friends, but I’ve gotta say, it’s really nice to have one friend I can talk to about weird period issues or my deepest fears about the future or something silly our husbands do.
Anon
I discuss everything with my spouse. I have one best female friend from college with whom I discuss everything, although less so gardening stuff now that we’re married (we were very open about it when single and casually dating). Other friends less likely to discuss gardening but have no problem discussing things like family drama, which I don’t think of as super personal (although it depends on the circumstances). I don’t discuss gardening with my parents (does anyone??) and don’t talk about salary with them either except in vague terms, but otherwise I’m pretty open with them and consider them two of my best friends – honestly, they’re probably my closest friends after my husband and college BFF although I know that sounds dorky.
Agree the last question is pretty separate. It depends on the circumstances, but I think if they were really messing up their life I’d probably say something once but then not repeat it. I would really hesitate to say anything negative about a spouse/partner unless they were physically abusive.
Anon
If a close friend is effing up their life, I talk to them about it as gently as possible. It isn’t always successful (they sometimes pay me no mind or break the friendship off) but I respect them to make their own decisions and hope they’d do the same for me.
It took 10 years of a terrible marriage for my best friend to kick him out and she both knew how I felt and knew I loved and supported her.
I was really hurt when another friend had been going through a marriage breakdown and didn’t tell me till she started up with a new fellow. She felt she’d be judged by her church but I was sad she didn’t have the support she should have had (and might not have jumped into that awful relationship so quickly).
I deeply, deeply love my friends and want to be there for them. Life is hard, we are imperfect and our relationships are often what makes life worth living.
Anon
I’m pretty open with most people about most things. I’m currently single, so no spouse or partner to discuss with and I do not have sisters or female cousins.
Gardening: With my friends, but not very often. Usually generically, as I rarely garden outside of relationships and so if I’m talking about gardening they know who I’m talking about. Most gardening conversations are with friends who are single and gardening for fun somewhat frequently.
Men / hinge dates / dating: I talk about this with my friends a lot. I very, very occasionally mention going on a date to a parent just so they know to not give up hope. Occasionally my brothers and I will make a brief but funny comment about the apps (since we’re all on them).
Salary / Finances: With friends in my field I share exact numbers (and they reciprocate). I share exact numbers with some friends outside of my field but share more generically with other friends. I am always happy to share exact numbers, but know most others don’t so I follow their lead. I’m also happy to share exactly how much I have in savings, saved for retirement, investments, how much my last CC statement was, etc. I am totally an open book when it comes to finances. I’m likely among my lowest paid friend though, so that’s one of the reasons I’m happy to share. It’s not flashy for me to share. I share exact numbers with my brothers too. With my parents we talk about finances but I share much more generically because I’m 99% sure I make more than either of them and it’s a little uncomfortable.
Family drama: My mom and I gossip about family drama a ton. I talk with this a fair amount with aunts / uncles / cousins who share the same opinions. I don’t talk about this much with my brothers or dad because they don’t like to do so. I share this with friends as applicable: either if there’s a funny story or if I’m upset about something. I don’t share at other times because it’s boring for them, not because I’m keeping it hidden.
If I thought a close friend was effing up their life, it would depend on how so and who else can I discuss with. I would likely discuss with another involved friend to brainstorm the best way to express concern. I err on the side of not unless its seriously bad, dangerous, or illegal. I have suggested a few friends discuss certain topics in therapy and/or go to therapy for friends who don’t already go. I’ve checked in on a friend like “hey, how are thing with you, you seem ____”.
I feel like friends do come to me for advice pretty often, which I’m always happy to give.
I’ve also gotten a reputation among friends for being really good at not spilling secrets, so a lot of people come to me to either share info they can’t share more publicly yet (sometimes about them, sometimes gossip about coworkers or mutual acquaintances) or to talk through issues they’re having.
I have some friends who share just as much as I do, but many of my friends are more closed off, which is a little odd to me but totally fine.
Anonymous
I talk with friends and my BF about family drama pretty openly. My friends are unlikely to meet my family and if my BF were to meet them he’d need to know the dynamics, plus I want him to know if I am struggling with something. If I had my own spouse and kids, that might be a different story. I think I’d talk with select friends about some but not all of that.
I only speak very broadly about salary, but that is probably because I am not doing so well on that front currently. My friends generally know that I make less than they think I should and my BF knows that I make more than he does but have had a few bad years recently. The one person who has asked for specifics is someone I cannot trust whose interest is in weaponizing that information against my employer, so I do not share it with her.
I talk openly about gardening with my BF (mostly during it), but only very generally with my friends – like am I engaging in it with the person they know I am dating and am I overall happy with it. But I also keep a lot of secrets around that, including who my casual partners are/have been.
I operate with the knowledge that I am the only person I have ever encountered who can keep a secret (with probably one exception, but he’s not currently in the running to be a confidante).
Anon
I’m very single right now, but I couldn’t imagine NOT discussing all of this, in depth, with a partner. I fully plan on discussing everything and anything with whoever my spouse is!
I discuss just about all of this with friends and most of this with family (obviously not gardening!). I discuss finances with family and friends (usually generic, but I have some friends I will share numbers with), I discuss gardening or dating with friends, and family drama with friends and family. I discuss mental health with friends too, but not family (parents don’t really understand, and I wouldn’t tell my siblings something I want them to keep from our parents).
I frequently go to my mom, my aunt, and several friends for advice on all sorts of topics.
Anon
I’m open with my friends about all of these topics and more (and am open with my family about everything but gardening). To me a big part of friendship is talking about big things in your life and letting people in. It’s hard to be there for a friend if you don’t know what’s going on with them so I figure I need to share this type of things with friends to get closer with them.
Anonymous
I am an open book on 99% of things. I think all of my friends know the names of every guy I’ve slept with, how much money I make, the details on family drama, and probably every bit of advice my therapist has ever given me as well as what antidepressants I’m on.
That being said, I’m seriously questioning my sexuality and haven’t been able to bring it up to anyone yet. Not sure why – everyone I know is an ally and would be accepting and supportive, but I am struggling to do so.
Anonymous
I grew up with parents who didn’t know how to communicate. So I’m having to learn how to do that with my spouse. I have one close friend who I talk to about everything. I have a lot of past traumas so I’m a little guarded with other friends and acquaintances. I’m not saying that to be dramatic: just most people don’t k ow how to handle my dirty laundry so I keep it to myself. Anyway, I have an anecdote about telling friends they’re effing up their lives. I have a friend who was married with kids, started cheating and confided in me that she was in love with her cheating partner. I sat her down and told her, to her face not to get a divorce, to stop cheating and get back with her spouse (who at that point was on the fence about divorce). Her other bff was there too and said the same thing: get back with your spouse. She got a divorce and married the cheater, who happens to also be bipolar. She had kids with him. Fast forward ten years and her life is a big mess. A couple of years ago she said to me “if only someone had warned me this wouldn’t work out.” Since then I haven’t bothered giving anyone else life advice.
Anon
Any recommendations for resources to help determine a flattering hair color (like having your colors done but for hair)? I’ve dyed my hair plenty in my life but would love a better understanding of what shade/tone/etc. would work best with my reddish complexion.
Anon
I think you have your colors done in the regular way. I’m cool toned tending toward reddish (rosacea) and I always ask for ashy tones. Golden/warm tones are 100% wrong for me.
Anon
My stylist works pretty closely with the base hair color but enhances it. I don’t know if it’s true that the color it grows in is always a good match, but that’s what he seems to believe!
MagicUnicorn
I actually find that looking at myself through the honest lens of my Zoom camera is great for figuring out what colors work with my skin and which ones don’t. I recommend doing this on a solo call, not live with other people. It was so distracting to realize that the rose quartz blouse I wore the other day clashed horribly with my skin tone, particularly since I was talking much of the time and the host pinned my video for all to see…
Anon
Looking for a good cornbread recipe!
Anonymous
Sally’s Baking Addiction
Anonymous
Do you like it sweet or not sweet? And are you open to bacon grease?
Anon
Not sweet. Usually wouldn’t mind bacon grease but making tonight and have no bacon at hand.
Sunshine
I haven’t made the one that PBFingers claims is amazing, but I’ve liked several of her other recipes. Link in reply.
Sunshine
https://www.pbfingers.com/winning-cornbread-recipe/
Anon
The recipe on the box of Alber’s for regular square cornbread (not skillet cornbread)
http://alberscorn.com/albers-corn-bread/
Skip the sugar.
Anon
Can someone explain the fed increasing interest rates to me like I’m 5? And what it means for each group who is affected by it?
Anonymous
The fed raising the interest rate directly impacts the rate at which banks lend to each other. Which in turn impacts the cost of lending to consumers. So while the fed increasing the rate doesn’t directly drive interest rates on homes or cars, it will do so indirectly.
BBanon
The increasing interest rates are meant to reduce/slow inflation. Borrowing becomes more costly (including lending to corporations which can lower stock market returns), but interest rates on bank accounts grow.
This article might answer some questions:
https://www.forbes.com/advisor/investing/fed-raises-interest-rates/
anon
Here’s a very basic attempt:
Increase rates > savings rates go up > people are compelled to keep money and not spend it, resulting in less demand for goods, resulting in lower inflation (lots of demand, cost of supply goes up)
Also,
Increase rates > cost of borrowing goes up > people and companies borrow less money and therefore spend less money because they have less money to spend [a ton of commerce is done with debt. without debt, or with really really expensive debt that deters people from obtaining debt, people/companies are less inclined to buy. less buying = less demand = lower costs / lower inflation]
A real example that illustrates the point it just one sector: I have a 3.0%, 30-year mortgage. I would otherwise have liked to sell my home by now and size up. However, a new mortgage for me is (at least?) 6.0%, which translates to over $1k more/month in increased interest expense and therefore mortgage payment assuming I take out an a loan for the same amount I have outstanding today, let alone a larger loan for a bigger, more expensive home. I don’t want to pay that extra money, so I’m going to sit tight and not sell my home. Because I’m sitting tight, there’s one less bidder in the market driving up pricing. Multiply that by thousands of people/households, and you then have a weakening home sale market.
nuqotw
Everything costs money, including money itself. When the Fed announces an interest rate, it is announcing how much it (the Fed) charges other banks (not the Fed) for money. If you’re selling money (lending), you can charge more (a higher interest rate). If you’re buying money (borrowing) you need to pay more (a higher interest rate).
A higher interest rate tends to decrease the money supply, making it harder to raise cash. A lower interest rate tends to increase the money supply, making it easier to raise cash.
For consumers, we mainly feel higher interest rates as making it harder / more expensive / riskier to borrow.
If you’re a bank, you’re probably lending (against customer deposits) and borrowing (if you need cash). In particular, if you run out of cash for your depositors, you need to borrow the money or sell something. If you can’t get the money – either by borrowing or selling – the bank fails, i.e. it runs out of money.
nuqotw
Oh, and an SVB specific piece: when interest rates go up, the price of existing bonds goes down (so that the interest they pay is consistent with the new higher rate). SVB ran out of money because had to sell long term bonds at a loss to try to raise cash to satisfy depositors, and when it still couldn’t do so, it ran out of money.
Anon
Are there many of us around who are affected by auto sprays in bathrooms, perfumes and fabric softener/dryer sheets?
Perfume can give me a headache but it’s the dryer sheets and fabric softener that feel like my throat is closing over and my eyes speckly.
It’s not something that can be treated with anything except avoidance.
Anon
Yes, but it’s been worse at some times of life and better at others, seemingly in conjunction with other health issues.
Anon
That’s interesting and gives me hope that this will improve.
Anonymous
Does fabric softener bother you when it’s not on your own laundry? I personally think people should stop using dryer sheets and start using dryer balls instead, which have the pros of being reusable and no fragrance.
Anon
Yes, unfortunately to the point where I can’t have people over if they use fabric softener or dryer sheets. Agree with you about dryer balls, fabric softeners leave an oily residue on clothes stopping them from getting properly clean and it’s shown to be unsafe for babies, asthma, allergies etc.
Like the poster below, I avoid theatres and movies.
I wear a mask on public transport more to avoid artificial fragrances than to avoid Covid.
Anon
I’m very scent sensitive, but I definitely don’t have a uniform reaction to scents. Some give me a headache, some make my nose run, some make me cough, some make me sneeze, and I have a bunch of skin issues that make me avoid anything scented as those things seem more likely to cause problems, but I don’t actually know if it’s the scents or something else.
As to the poster above, I’ve had sneezing fits when walking around my neighborhood and people are doing laundry, the smell outside can be so overpowering. I luckily WFH and mostly can stay far enough away from other people that I don’t have to worry about scents on people, but it’s actually one of the things has made me less likely to go to movies or social events where you can get stuck sitting next to someone wearing perfume and end up miserable the entire rest of the day (it’s a m*graine trigger for me, so it can last longer than the exposure). It’s definitely something I wish would change.
Anon
I love scent and wear perfume myself (don’t have a cow – I WFH) but I am very sensitive to anything labeled “fresh” scented like fabric softener sheets.
Cheap smells are usually the worst offenders. Like I will get a headache anywhere near a Bath and Body Works, but I’m fine at the Jo Malone counter.
Anon
Yes, whatever chemicals are in ‘fresh’ and Febreeze really knock me about. Have to order my groceries online as the laundry aisle is too much these days.
Cat
I feel this way about every air freshener I’ve ever encountered. I would 100% rather just smell the leftover poo air than whatever the heck just came out of the wall.
Anon
+1. At least that’s not going to give me a blinding migraine.
Anon
Mmm poo and Febreze.
You’ve not fooling anyone!
Anon
I have $100 to spend at Nordstrom, what should I get?
40s mom, business casual workplace, mostly wear comfortable clothes like pull-on ponte pants, cotton tee and J Crew sweater blazer to work. Vuori sweatpants and tees on WFH and weekend days.
Low maintenance hair (wash and go only). Preferred skincare: moisturizer and sunscreen, on office days usually add Sugar tinted lip balm and NYX eyeliner.
Would like to spend the entire $100 on one item (I tend to be frugal and try to buy a bunch of utilitarian things and want to avoid that now). Potential wishlist: Boden shirtdress, nicer blazer or other nice dress for the occasional client meeting – or anything else that I should have!
nuqotw
I would get an accessory of some sort – probably jewelry or a scarf.
Anonymous
I would buy a versatile basic blazer, splurge on earrings or a fun pair of shoes.
Anonymous
I would buy a nice blazer. I feel like a good blazer makes me automatically feel more pulled together and competent. Take advantage of tailoring at Nordstrom to make it fit you really well.
Senior Attorney
I’m late to this but they have some of their name brand cosmetics on nice gift-with-purchase deals right now.
Anonymous
Late to the party: I need a wfh office chair. What would you recommend?
Anon
Hermann Miller Sayl chair. Less expensive than the Aeron but still very good
Anonymous
for a balance of budget/ergonomics I ended up going with the steelcase leap. I did have to pay for my own