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There was a great WTF thread on Twitter recently about how a 64-year-old actor posted an all-caps rant on Facebook, angry that his “preferred” waitress at the local diner had STOPPED wearing false eyelashes and he wasn't going to stand for that. Dlisted summarized the whole story, and it's a doozy — but it got me thinking about a subject we haven't talked about in a long while: when other people feel entitled to your time, or energy, or even a standard of beauty (SMILE, HONEY!) that has absolutely no basis in actual obligations for your job or more.
In the past, we've talked about the professional implications of a naturally frowny face (the title inspired by a hilarious SNL skit with Kristin Wiig) and what to do when your boss tells you to smile (other than dropkicking him).
I feel like this happened a few times this past summer when I was wearing a mask indoors when it was optional — on my way to a bathroom with an agitated 7-year-old, an older man actually stopped me to tell me that, you know, masks aren't required anymore. THANKS, DUDE. I tried to smile through the mask and say, “Yeah, well, my son isn't vaccinated,” and hustled him to the bathroom, but I've thought over that interaction again and again, in annoyance, and realized that was the 2021 version of “You should smile more, honey!”.
But this goes way beyond smiling — coworkers asking you to “pick your brain” or “bouncing ideas off you” and then not being respectful of your time… bosses who feel entitled to a response to emails when it's not urgent and after hours… or even in the parenting sphere where other people look down on you if you're not contributing 4,000 hours to cutting and gluing some project.
So let's discuss — do you feel like the people around you (in your office or neighborhood or community) have entitled ideas about what you “owe” them that are not correct? Do you feel like strangers feel entitled to your time and energy in ways that are grating?
Stock photo via Deposit Photos / SIphotography (young professional woman annoyed)
Anon
Ah the f-cking male gaze. It has been my constant companion these 40+ years since puberty.
Anonymous
When I’ve lost in thought about something negative or just zoned out – such as when walking on a street or riding a subway or bus – I’ve repeatedly had strangers (always men) tell me I should smile. Not with a vibe like “are you okay, because I care as a fellow human being” but more like “I want to encounter pretty smiley [female] people around me and so you are ruining my day by not smiling at me.” Makes me want to punch them.
Anonymous
All of this.
Anon
I do a Jack-Torrance-axe-through-the-door smile at those people and it works a charm. But I’m good at being creepy, it’s more difficult if you’re a baby-faced sweetheart.
Anon
I tend to bare my teeth like a chimpanzee. I think it’s similar to your move.
Anon
I had that happen once. “You should smile!” I told him in no uncertain terms how rude it was –and I had been a split second from smiling “hello” at him when he lobbed it. He proceeded to sulk and whine that he’d been having a lousy day (“I’ve got cancer”), etc. I gave him the cold shoulder. Sitting at a bus stop –yes, fun!
Anonymous
Why are co-workers not allowed to bounce ideas off of you? Isn’t that the whole point of working in teams? Don’t you ever want to bounce an idea off someone else?
Anon
Sure if you have time. But no one is allowed to monopolize your time when you don’t have any, or because they’re lazy and didn’t want to to the work/research themselves.
I have found older me I’ve worked with felt the most entitled to my time, and a smile, and a chipper attitude while expecting me to basically do part of their jobs for them.
Anonymous
100% agree. This sounded like someone had forgotten what it was like in corporate america. Collaborating and bouncing ideas off each other is in your job description for the vast majority of professional jobs, especially once you become more senior.
Anon
Strangers: I ignore. They aren’t entitled to my te and I act accordingly.
Work: draw lines. Someone is gratuitously eating up my time? “I have an urgent project… is there anything else I can help you with?” Managers who think misery of losing my personal life = better work product: job hunt.
My goal is to keep my sanity and help, in a small way, establish norms for using other people’s time.
anon
People in my condo building who expect me to unlock/open the fobbed door for them if I happen to be in the lobby. 1. I don’t know you. 2. If you live here, use your own key. 3. If you don’t live here, call the person you are meeting/visiting.