Coffee Break: Cord Locks

110 Comments

1. I’m sure this has been discussed, but I’m hopeless with the search function. I’ve been on leave for 5 months, about to return to a fully remote but meeting heavy position. Looking for tops that will look good on camera and ideally would be work out friendly so I can jump on my indoor bike or go for a walk when I have extra time. Any suggestions?

   1. Playing t shirts

   2. Athleta tops that you can throw a blazer over if needed.

2. Random question. If you’re looking at properties that appear on VRBO and also Airbnb, do you prefer one over the other? Trying to figure out if it matters at all. Thanks!

   1. Usually Airbnb, because there’s no need to sign a separate rental agreement, and the cancellation policy is often more flexible for Airbnbs. There may be a slight price difference but not enough to be a dealbreaker.

   2. I hate everything about dealing with VRBO. I know they have more long term rentals, but I hate that their webpage sends up error messages a lot. I hate that they advertise prices and then by the time you reach the check out cart, the $ has gone way up from what you initially saw. I hate their customer service.

      AirBnB still feels sketchier to me as a site, but if I’ve already vetted a property, I’d rather go with AirBnB.

   3. I prefer Airbnb. A homeowner on VRBO insisted on me signing an offensive, overreaching indemnity that had me indemnifying her for her negligence for things that her own homeowners’ insurance would have covered (but it would have been difficult for me to buy insurance to cover). It wasn’t in my jurisdiction, so I didn’t know the extent to which it was enforceable. I declined, and have stayed away from VRBO to the extent possible since then.

3. Perhaps it’s more environmentally friendly than ordering new masks, but a 50-pack of tiny plastic doo-dads that can’t be used for anything else strikes me as a solution in need of a problem. I just haven’t had problems with the masks I do have, certainly not to the tune of needing 50 plastic “cord locks.” That being said, environmentally friendly left the building during COVID – I see surgical masks EVERYWHERE on the ground now.

   1. Yes. This is *so* gimmicky. This is why there is so much decluttering interest right now – because so many people get sucked in by this kind of consumerism and then have this kind of stuff cluttering their drawers. This is like the “service that unsubscribes you from mailing lists” of a few weeks back — gimmicky when you can easily unsubscribe from mailing lists with 1 or 2 clicks.

   2. I love cord locks! I have to use them on my kf94 masks. Otherwise, the ear loops are too large for me to get a snug fit

   3. I do too. It makes me so sad. I probably reuse mine for too long but I hate the idea of disposing of so many. I do prefer the surgical or KN95s to cloth masks though. And my doctors’ offices make you use one of their surgical masks anyway, so I have quite a collection now. (Had surgery in 2020 + have an autoimmune disease = lots of doctors visits)

   4. This is the kind of product that if I buy it, I keep 10 of the doo-dads and then give 10 to my parents, 10 to my inlaws, etc. I also hate seeing all the mask trash on the ground in every single parking lot.

   5. I just pull the cords back farther and secure them in my hair with claw clips.

      1. I just put a knot in the elastics- most masks are too big for my face

   6. I tried these and found them frustrating. I have a small face so need to adjust my mask so I either cross the ear straps so they make an X on the side of my face or I tie a knot in the back of the loop to shorten them. Problem solved, no extra product to purchase.

   7. Yup. I am so tired of seeing “solutions” like this to what are just minor inconveniences. As someone else said, just tie a knot in the elastic! And next time you’re tempted to buy something like this, imagine that you’re throwing it straight into a landfill or throwing it at a baby seal.

4. It’s OCI season and I’m interviewing potential summer associates. I feel like I’ve been asked more tough questions this year than in the past and it’s thrown me a little. It’s as if career services got together and told all law students to ask things like, how has being a woman impacted your legal career? What are the best traits you look for in a new associate? The worst traits you avoid? Do you have any concerns about my candidacy or how I’ve presented myself to you that I can address? I just wanted to ask about the hobbies you listed on your resume, it’s too Monday for serious questions. Has anyone else noticed this? I feel like I needed to study more for these interviews!

   1. Last winter I participated in interviewing for paralegals for my job and got a lot of the same questions, basically word for work, so they are definitely from a list going around somewhere.

   2. Good for them for asking substantive questions!

      1. +1!

   3. As much as I do sympathize with it being too Monday for such questions, to me it seems that harder questions coming in the opposite direction during OCI’s is evidence of a much-needed power shift in the legal profession. Students and associates are no longer willing to beg for jobs and just take any one because they need it, they are realizing that they should be able to pick a firm that they most want to work at and that best suits them and their values. As a mid-level associate who went in-house solely because of the toxic culture in law firms and the power imbalances inherent in that culture, I’m happy to hear that law students are asking these questions!

   4. This seems like a good problem to have! But those poor students I’m sure at least a few of their interviewers were caught off guard.

   5. Sounds like they got ahold of Ask a Manager :)

   6. Biglaw is ridiculously busy and they know there is demand for associates right now, so they can ask the tougher questions re what it is REALLY like at that firm and also express preferences regarding what they WANT to do. It won’t last forever but that’s how it is now. Contrast prior years where people are just hoping to get 1-2 offers so they went thru interviews (and were told by OCI to do so) trying to make no waves — however the firm is is fine; whatever department you’ll put me in as an associate is fine etc.

   7. Fine, but are they asking men how being a man has impacted their career? Would they even dare?

      Sorry (not sorry), but I’m stabby after reading the NYAG’s report. Governor Cuomo changed the requirements for his security detail to add a women he harassed onto it and then said that he did so to add more diversity to his security detail. That one, he does not lack for chutzpah.

   8. Gosh I hate it when people take their careers seriously and expect me to as well. Kids these days are such a drag.

   9. What are they really expecting for the “how has being a woman impacted my legal career?” Let me tell you about working through a miscarriage (but now we offer bereavement leave for that, so we are enlightened)?

      1. +1 Seems really dicey to ask about (likely negative) personal experiences to someone you don’t know who hasn’t invited such questions. Also, I don’t know what they expect to get: the associate/partner conducting the interview is going to say something blandly positive because that’s their job.

   10. I’ve answered all these questions for many years while interviewing associates actually.

       1. +1 – and I’m pretty positive I asked those questions 25 years ago when I was a wee one interviewing, too.

   11. This is the one that I’ve gotten that stressed me out, “Do you have any concerns about my candidacy or how I’ve presented myself to you that I can address?”

       I don’t know what I can say from a compliance perspective, so I normally say something like, “this is a new industry and could be a learning curve” or something equally bland. I feel like the question is trying to box me in a corner

       1. I don’t think that’s the intent of the question.

          1. Yes, but many of us do not give on the spot feedback, and it is okay to push back on this question.

5. Here’s a good twitter thread for people who people who want to do something about their climate anxiety: https://twitter.com/KendraWrites/status/1424007220056965121

   I haven’t gotten around to listening to her podcast, but the author has been doing great climate reporting for years and is definitely worth following.

   1. The podcast is fantastic! I’ve been a listener for a while, and it consistently makes me feel better about the state of the world. It’s informative and has actually helped me change my mind on a couple of issues. Highly recommend.

   2. Thank you! I needed something after the morning thread

6. Wondering if you can give me a rec for your favorite bras for those of you on the smaller size/my shape?

   The only bra I have found that seems to work for my spread out shape is Natori feathers. 32D is my best size. But I still find myself having to re-scoop during the day (shove side boob back in).

   I don’t mind underwire/structure.

   1. Have you been professionally fitted? It sounds as if the bra you are wearing does not fit you properly. I suggest going to a nice lingerie store, or a department store such as Nordstrom’s that sells good bras, and have them measure you and give you lots of different bras to try on. Good luck!

      1. Yes, they fitted me at Nordstrom and were terrible. She put me in a tiny A cup that smooshed me to nothing and hurt. Turns out I actually needed a smaller band but bigger cup for my wider but flatter shape.

         I have never been to a nice lingerie store.

   2. I’m not at all your shape, but if I’m understanding how you describe yourself you have wider breasts, that sit wide on your chest and with the volume spread out over a fairly large area more than sticking out a lot. Is that what you meant?

      If so, UK brand Curvy Kate has very wide wires and shallow cups. They do 32D.

      1. That’s exactly what I mean. Many thanks.

         I am in the US, but will check out that brand.

   3. I used to wear Natori Feathers because of the same shape issues you have – I recently discovered this bra and love it (note that the band runs small – I had to size up):
      https://www.soma.com/store/product/embraceable+signature+lace+unlined+perfect+coverage+bra/570296556?color=001&catId=cat7679281

      1. This looks like a great suggestion. Thank you so much! I haven’t bought bras from SOMA before but do need to order new underwear from there. I will try it.

   4. Measure yourself using abrathatfits (the subr3ddit). They have a detailed wiki that walks you through the process, both numerically and shapewise. I was wearing an uncomfortable 34D and am now properly fitted in a 30G.

   5. I would say go to redd1t a bra that fits and ask. There are so many people there who have a near encyclopedic knowledge of bra shapes. It sounds like you are shallow and not projected (look at the side bar for shape guides) and there are plenty of ladies who will know exactly what bra shape is best.

      I have the opposite problem and I have the perception that it’s a lot harder to find a really projected bra, so hopefully there will be tons of great options for you.

7. I posted late on the morning thread so I’m posting here for other suggestions. Thanks to the people that responded re: Cuyana and Tumi.

   I’ll be starting a new job at a firm with some very fashionable attorneys. I will be getting a 14 inch Dell Latitude laptop. I’m looking for a new everyday bag to carry my laptop, purse contents and other accoutrements. I really like the Jemma Bag Emma 37 in navy but it says it only fits up to a 13 inch laptop (though customer service just told me the 14 inch should fit too). I will be driving to work but walking about two blocks from my parking garage to the firm. I can spend up to $500 on this.

   I guess it would help if I told you what I normally carry on a given day: cell phone, planner, notepad or 3, a pouch with various medical stuff (about the size of a makeup kit), small wallet, kindle, sometimes a frozen Amy’s meal, and now a laptop.

   I prefer navy or burgundy over black or brown. I also like this Jemma bag that converts to a backpack but I’m not a huge fan of the color choices. https://jemmabag.com/products/poppins?variant=32336056811583

   (1) Please tell me your faves!
   (2) Anyone have a Jemma bag and have a good experience with it. I only recently heard of the brand via a FB ad.

   1. Posted very late in the morning thread, but I love the Dagne Dover Allyn for this (probably a large in your case). Holds a ton, great pockets, and mine has been insanely durable.

8. For work (covid) reasons, I am going to be unable to travel or see family/friends for at least the next 6-8 weeks. Unlike 2020, I expect to be able to have some nights and weekends off. I am looking for ideas for “things” to do with my family, long distance girlfriend, and other friends. I’m ok spending some money – I normally budget $25-75 a week for meals out or things with friends.

   Ideas so far:
   – watch the same movie at the same time online
   – cook the same dinner the same night
   – “spa” night

   1. * games – boardgame arena is the site I’ve used for that, but I’m sure there are other good ones
      * take a virtual class or tour together (airbnb has some that look good, and there’s a tea-making one from a shop near me that walks you through how to make matcha, and I know some museums have been doing them)

   2. if you drink, you could do one of those beverage services that sends you three different whiskies/beers/whatever to try and compare tasting notes. I imagine a similar thing exists for chocolate, etc if you don’t drink.

   3. Honestly I’d just wait until you’re free. I have no interest in staying home to do any kind of online anything with anyone anymore.

9. I cannot figure out what the right way to behave given this stage of the pandemic is. I am fully vaccinated and live alone. Should I go to the office? (it’s optional, but I wouldn’t mind going in for the socialization aspect). It’s a tiny office and all coworkers are fully vaccinated.

   What about public transportation? Masks are technically required, but every time I ride the bus I see at least one guy blatantly not wearing one and no one does anything about it.

   Or recreational travel? I would love to see some friends in another city I haven’t seen since before the pandemic. I would fly there (masked, of course), stay in a hotel alone, and see the friends while outdoor dining and exploring. Except for the plane, I would not be around large groups of people, and from what I hear, mask wearing is required and generally compliance is good.

   I guess I don’t HAVE to go see them, but I do wonder how long this is going to go on for. If the pandemic continues like this for 2-3 more years, that’s a really long time to go without seeing loved ones!

   My friends’ behavior is all over the map, from still having groceries delivered (instead of going in stores) to traveling internationally. I have no clear sense of what’s right, what’s ethical, what’s safe. help?

   1. Ugh, this is me, too. No advice, because I’m not at all sure what’s the “right” thing to do (for me, or just generally). My friends are also all over the place as far as how cautious they’re being now.

   2. As someone who has had to be far more conservative than most due to the vaccine possibly not working for me, I think flying to see your friends with diligent masking during travel and avoidance of large crowds would be reasonable, although I’d consider waiting a few weeks because I think Delta is going to peak hard and fast. I’m actually more optimistic about meeting vaccinated family in October than I am about meeting them right now.

      1. Last I heard the TSA mask mandate on airlines has not been extended and will expire on September 14. I don’t expect any airline to independently renew it, so I booked my air travel for before then.

         On my most recent trip, one flights had very very good mask compliance within the rows immediately around me, on second trip the family filling the entire row in front of me was terrible (would pull the mask above mouths when flight attendants walked by but otherwise had them off). I wore an N95 on both flights.

   3. I mean, to me, all 3 of those things are safe, though I might not do the office in the run-up to traveling. At this point, (1) the vaccine means I’m still relatively unlikely to catch Covid, and (2) if I nevertheless do, the chance I end up in the hospital with it is still vanishingly small. I’ve come back from travel with nasty colds before; while not fun, it’s not worth never traveling to avoid IMHO…

      YMMV if you have any reason to suspect the vax is not effective for you or you are at risk of spreading to kids, etc.

   4. I go to the office multiple days a week, wearing a mask when I walk away from my private office. I wear a mask if I’m around strangers indoors (airport, bus, stores, sitting in the audience of an outdoor play, etc). I go mask-less when I’m with small groups of vaccinated people that I know and trust, including when I travel to visit friends. Basically, the mask wearing protects other people* since there is a tiny chance I could be positive without realizing it. Otherwise, I’m living my life.

      *by other people I mean children, immunocompromised people, etc. I do not care about the willfully unvaxxed.

      1. This is more or less what I’m doing. I’m still seeing some friends and going out to eat. I’m still going into the office and doing some in-person meetings with vaccinated people. Though, my office has returned to masking when we are meeting together. I never stopped masking in the grocery store or the pharmacy. I basically do a cost/benefit analysis based on the different situations I’m in.

         I took my cat to the emergency vet and masks were optional for the vaccinated. I was seated far away from anyone and was going to be waiting hours while intermittently crying. I skipped the mask. My cat turned out to be just fine by the way! Just used another of his nine lives. At 16 1/2, I don’t know how many he has left.

         1. I’m glad your cat pulled through, best wishes to him!

   5. Nobody knows. It’s pretty maddening. I’m sending two kids to school next week and have been called back to the office even though cases are going up in my area. Mostly among the unvaccinated, mind you. I’m vaccinated and still going about my daily activities and masking up at the store now out of extreme precaution. We have to return to some semblance of normalcy at some point. And frankly, I did my part and am tired of continuing to do more and more.

      1. I don’t think following the CDC’s current recommendations is really an extreme of precaution.

         But I agree we’re not in real trouble until enough the virus mutates to be vaccine resistant. What I’m hearing is that we’re lucky that hasn’t happened yet given how much it’s going around. I hope it doesn’t end up happening because of shortsighted office policies though.

         1. I’m reading that the Lambda variant is vaccine-resistant.

            1. this is like a joke at this point… how many more letters will we get to before the 2022 midterms?

   6. I have been doing all of this for months. Choose to be a hermit if you want but most people are seeing people.

      1. That’s why we are in this situation…

         1. Unvaxxed people are why we are in this situation.

            1. It’s vaccinated people whose infections will encourage vaccine resistant mutations.

      2. I don’t make my decisions by what “most people” do, as “most people” are idiots.

   7. After the basic precautions are taken (vaccination, masks) I think the decisions about right/ethical/safe are pretty personal. FWIW I am a virologist working with other virologists and your situation sounds a lot like mine (fully vaccinated, live alone). I am regularly going to the office/lab and riding public transportation when I need to (1-2x per week). I have gone on recreational driving trips but not yet flights, more due to my own circumstances. Coworkers have gone on recreational travel by plane without incident but international is more complicated for sure.

      For me, all these activities carry some personal risk but are within the range I am willing to live with. As you say, the pandemic will continue for a while. If I regularly interacted with unvaccinated kids or others at high risk my assessment would be different.

   8. I refuse to let the willfully unvaccinated win any longer. I’m vaccinated and trust that even if I get a rare breakthrough case, it’s just not a big deal. I’m not going to be hospitalized or die (very fortunate to have no health complications, if I did, I’d think differently). My whole friend crowd and family are also vaccinated and I live in an area with high vaccine uptake and very little community spread. So, I am living life normally – I dine indoors with my spouse and friends (and appreciate that most restaurants are requiring proof of vaccination to do so), have friends and family over (inside and out and to stay). I mask indoors because that’s required again, but otherwise I wouldn’t bother. I will wear a mask on planes/public transit going forward though because planes/transit are gross in the best of times.

      1. If I lived in an area with a better vaccination rate, I would also eat indoors and whatnot. I might go to restaurants that require vaccines when the weather is cold.

10. We’re going to purchase a small vacant .5 acre property that is adjacent to our existing 7 acre lot. The owners have it up for sale by owner, and the asking prices is under $7.5k. I know the common advice is to always use a realtor for transactions, and commonly I agree with it, but less than $500 doesn’t seem like it’s worth involving a realtor’s time. After we come to an agreement with the sellers (we’re just going to pay them full asking price), do we just get a title company? I have already checked on taxes and assessments with the village where we live.

    1. There are often real estate lawyers that’ll do the paperwork for a flat fee. Also, if you used a realtor it really would not be much time.

    2. A title company can handle this from start to finish. No need for a realtor to be involved.

       1. +1

11. Question for the lawyers – I just got a letter notifying me that I’ve been selected as an associate fellow in LCA. I normally throw those things out, but this one feels more legit. I only know one person who is a fellow, and he’s an incredible lawyer, with 20 years on me. I truly have no idea who would have nominated me for this (except him, and I would be very surprised by that), or why they would want me. I don’t even litigate that much, and no one I work with, including the head of litigation or my group are fellows. I don’t know anyone in the directory in my city. Anyone with inside info know why I would get this invitation?

12. This is a long shot, but does anyone here own the Baggalini Soho backpack? I’m considering it for a work bag. It’s hard to tell online how roomy it is; anyone have thoughts?

    1. Not what you asked, but after shoulder pain triggered my chronic migraines, I started using baggalinnis as they are so incredibly feather light. My leather purses are languishing as I love the lightweight and washable nature of these bags. They are all magical bags that seem to expand and hold quite a substantial amount no matter what the size. I have the avenue tote, and a crossbody that turns into a belt bag…as well as a couple of others. They fit everything I need, no matter how much I take. During the last 16 pandemic months I have used the small crossbody and tucked it into larger knapsacks or simply totes if needed. Pre COVID I used the avenue tote more as I took transit, and now I no longer use transit to commute.

       1. Thanks, this is super helpful! Neck and shoulder pain are why I’m switching to a backpack. My beautiful Knomo crossbody is doing me zero favors.

13. I’ve posted a few times here with problems (extreme fatigue, shortness of breath, dizziness) that caused folks to suggest it was an iron deficiency. My CBC levels are all fine except for one weird iron reading on MCHC, but hemoglobin, hematocrit, and MCV were OK. Should I just start taking an iron supplement anyway, or raising through food? (I honestly think it’s Long Covid but I’ll try anything.)

    1. I don’t know which weird iron reading you got, but you’ll want your doctor to advise on this; iron can be overdosed (any iron supplement you look at will have some warnings). If you really want to try supplementing, I believe a heme iron supplement (I like Proferrin Clear) would be the closest thing to just upping your dietary intake of iron (or you could do that by eating more liver or taking liver supplements I guess).

       If I were you and suspicious of long COVID, I would make an appointment now to get in with an autonomic specialist neurologist. Their calendars are filling up fast.

       B12 and B1, on the other hand, cannot normally be overdosed. For the symptoms you’re describing, I found benfotiamine, magnesium, and B12 shots therapeutic before I had an actual diagnosis (of small fiber neuropathy). Those are things you can look up and discuss w/your doctor or pharmacist. Because I’m serious about the wait times; it may be more than a year before you can get in with a doctor who has any training in what you’re going through.

       1. OP here – thank you for the rec for an autonomic specialist neurologist — hadn’t heard of that one. No idea if I can even be diagnosed with long Covid since I never had an official diagnosis of Covid. (It was early on when you had to have traveled to get a test.)

    2. I suggest you don’t crowd source your medical care.

       1. Sounds like good advice, but it’s actually really dangerous. I had the same symptoms (extreme fatigue, shortness of breath, dizziness), and I’ve lost count of how many doctors and specialists I saw while I kept getting worse or being told “maybe it’s all anxiety.”

          The underlying rare condition that was causing these symptoms would eventually have killed me if I hadn’t “crowdsourced” my medical care by talking to other patients about what tests they were getting done, what interventions their doctors were trying, and what kind of specialists to see, since my doctors just weren’t taking me seriously. Now I’m treated and fine. So don’t just trust doctors; it’s not safe. They don’t know enough about rare disease, and rare disease, as an aggregate, is pretty common.

          1. Wait what was your rare disease? Curious now (I’m the OP)

             1. I’ve posted before; it was pernicious anemia. It’s what my grandmother died from. The test she was diagnosed with isn’t in production anymore, so it’s become undiagnosed.

                It is pretty rare in general but also probably underdiagnosed because a lot of doctors mistakenly believe that serum B12 tests for it (it doesn’t; my serum B12 level was awesome, but I still had the antibodies).

             2. I was tested for all kinds of other things it could have been though. A skin punch biopsy for small fiber neuropathy was the test that changed everything for me by persuading my medical team that my symptoms weren’t psychosomatic. If your doctor is still looking for what could be wrong, you are doing good though!

                In my case, they literally had me in CBT to persuade me to stop believing that I was sick (though the therapist eventually apologized for this and became the main person who encouraged me to get second opinions and figure out what was really wrong).

          2. And I’m not saying not to work with doctors. I just think it’s crucial to get intel from other patients about what’s out there (UpToDate is a good resource too). The healthcare system just isn’t great at diagnosing certain kinds of conditions efficiently or accurately. I didn’t even know there were subspecialties within specialties, since it seemed like such a big deal to me to be seeing a specialist at all. When I finally saw the right subspecialist, she straight up rolled her eyes at what the first specialist I saw had told me. There are some good books on this topic (Doing Harm, How Doctors Think, and the People’s Pharmacy has some good discussions as well).

    3. I’m sorry you are having these ongoing symptoms but you are on the wrong track here. The tests for iron deficiency include ferritin, transferrin (iron binding capacity), transferrin saturation, soluble transferrin receptors, and serum iron. These need to be looked at in conjunction with your symptoms and other blood tests (like b12 and folate) or tests for your heart and lung functions. You may have something else completely going on (like heart or lung problems). Don’t try to play doctor and interpret your own lab results (which aren’t even the tests to answer the question you are asking) and certainly don’t crowd source treatment from the internet. Find a physician you trust and see them a couple times until they put the puzzle pieces together for you step by step. Who ordered these labs? Ask them for an explanation and next steps. Don’t think you need to doctor hop (unless you really didn’t feel heard or were uncomfortable) to someone else right away, stick with the same person for a couple visits. These nonspecific symptoms often take several visits and deeper digging which you won’t get if you see a new physician over and over. They will all start from square one or two and you won’t ever get anywhere. Go to a follow up appointment with the person who ordered these labs and see what is next. Best of luck! I’m cheering you on, these things can be so difficult to figure out when you are suffering and just want answers.

       1. OP here – really interesting. I’ve explicitly talked with my doctor for months about being worried about low iron and these are the tests she ran; when I asked her about the low MCHC she told me the other levels I mentioned were fine. I also had a full cardiology workup a few months ago (stress test, echocardiogram and a cardiac monitor for 2 weeks) and she just told me to call for lung testing re shortness of breath.

          1. That all sounds pretty reasonable to me. I hope the lung testing goes well!

          2. Good! Your doctor is working methodically through a series of tests to diagnose your problem. Go get lung testing and continue to follow their advice and advocate for yourself if you feel your symptoms are being minimized. It sounds like your doctor is taking you seriously and considering a wide variety of causes for your symptoms which are being ruled in or out with testing. You don’t need to crowd source. Ask your doctor the question about iron supplementation that you asked the group and get a professional answer. You got this!

14. I think a friend’s husband is emotionally (and also possibly verbally and physically) abusing her and their preschooler. She’s not told me as much, but there have been signs that something is not right (we also work together). I typed up a bunch of reasons why I think it’s DV, but decided to err on the side of generality here. I’m pretty sure it’s not depression. Any tips for how to be a good friend to her?

    1. There are many websites with lists of this, also check on any required reporting based on your job and location.

    2. Be a safe place for her. Don’t browbeat, accuse, give ultimatums or try to force her to tell you things or change, don’t be judgemental (not saying you are!). Maybe try and be outwardly harmless to him, so that he won’t use energy on isolating her from you. But don’t act to her as if you’re accepting abuse towards her as normal and be so chill that it signals to her that he’s right, everybody thinks I’m worthless, they think this is normal.

       Help her in whatever manner she will let you, let her know she can stay, call, borrow your phone to call a DV hotline, stash some extra cash at your place, drive her to the ER. And go check on DV pages and maybe call a hotline yourself, to ask for advice if you see escalation or even for how to help boost the self worth he’s tearing down.

    3. Read the book “Why does he do that?” which is all about angry and controlling men. The PDF is available free and online. It has resources and guides for loved ones of someone in an abusive relationship. One of the main takeaways is to avoid telling the person what they “should” do (i.e. they “should” leave him, they “should” call the police, etc). The person in the relationship has a much better understanding of the danger they’re in than you do, and you don’t want to inadvertently put them at even more risk. Secondly, aside from safety, by telling the person what they should do, you’re diminishing their ability to trust their own voice and make their own decisions, which is exactly what their abuser does, too. So it’s not an effective strategy.

       1. This is why I take issue with mandated reporting. A mother could be planning her escape from an abusive father but needs to do it safely. A teacher or doctor reporting the abuse before the mom has a safety plan can do more harm than good, particularly if the abuser is good at convincing the state it is unfounded.

          I get that the mandated reporting is to protect kids where no one is looking out for them. I find instead, it keeps parents from getting necessary medical treatment for themselves or their kids and keeps teenagers from getting the help they need if they know it is just going to be disclosed.

          1. At one job I had, we were trained to tell people if we were mandated reporters and carefully warn them to think about their next words. It’s a little strange.

          2. I mean, I get the fears here, but as someone who used to be a teacher and had to report to DCFS more than once, how on earth would I have been privy to whether mom had been trying to make a plan to leave or not? It’s not exactly something you can ask. And what if mom’s plan takes far too long, like months or years? Don’t most people in abusive situations attempt to leave multiple times before actually leaving?

    4. Caroline Hax always has resources including websites and hotlines for this kind of question. I’d scroll through some of her recent chats; I’m sure you’ll be able to find them.

15. I have been leading a virtual study group at work for about 6 months. The group consists of 7 employees who are all slated to take a professional certification exam. I got my certification several years ago and this is my second year volunteering to be a study group leader. I love my group this year and I have fallen in love with teaching the material. I would like to get something small for each person after they pass their exam. I don’t have a very large budget since there are 7 of them. I’m thinking no more than $15-$20 each. Any ideas? The group is 4 women, 3 men, all in their 30’s and 40’s.

    1. Gift card to a business card company so they can order new ones with their new credentials.

       1. These are all employees at a big enough company to be organizing a study group, so gonna bet they don’t have to go out of pocket for their own business cards.

          But also- I agree with the below that a gift seems weird here. Like when I got a 5 on an AP exam, I got a congrats card from my teacher that said “I knew you could do it!” which was lovely.

    2. Wait,….. you are a volunteer, doing this?

       I think THEY should be the ones buying YOU a gift card and a bottle of champagne.

       1. Right. This is kinda weird.

    3. I’d say buy them donuts or something, but I’m assuming you’re not going to be all in the same physical space. Maybe Starbucks gift card or something, but I agree that this is an occasion where a gift is not necessary.

    4. I agree you don’t need to get them anything. If you’re able, a nice note and letting them know you’re willing to be a professional reference for them in the future could be nice (obviously only if you feel that way!).

16. Is the manufacturer trying to make people think these cord locks are endorsed by Megan Rapinoe?

    1. I had the exact same thought!

    2. Just another reason to avoid buying from Amazon, it’s all junk, or counterfeit, or both.

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