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The Karen Kane faux wrap dress has been a member of our Workwear Hall of Fame for a long time, but I think I like this A-line version even better.
This jersey material would be great for packing (is work travel coming back yet?), and the slightly puffed sleeves and swingy skirt would work in casual or more formal offices.
The dress is $108 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XS–XL. It also comes in black.
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Florist
Any recs for a Tallahassee florist? TIA!
Anon
Hilly Fields on the parkway (in the strip next to Whataburger) is who I’ve always used for cut flowers. Tallahassee Nurseries does great live baskets.
Anon
I got a mailer to my home and was shocked to find that a) Karen Kane is a real person, b) this is a family owned business, c) that her sons work with her there, and that d) they have a family-friendly office (the grandkids seem to be toted into the office). I would have guessed that this was the sort of faux corporate persona that is often all that makes up a brand. Plus, they seem to make their clothes here, so not horrid sweatshop conditions (did any of you follow how some companies criticized China’s forced labor policies and then quickly backtracked (I guess after a talking-to from their supply chain) — yikes). I’ve never been the jingo-buy-‘Murican type, but I can’t unsee the Uighur situation (among others) to the point of changing my habits to align with my values (and size changes within the family means that we’re often shopping for something).
Anonymous
Wow I had no idea! Thanks for sharing.
Anonymous
I have been impressed with the quality of the Karen Kane pieces I have purchased (a knit dress and two knit tanks that have gotten heavy pandemic WFH use).
Anonymous
Thanks for sharing. I have the infamous faux-wrap in red and black and would for sure buy it in more colors
anon
That’s good to know! I do like this dress. As we return to the office, I’m trying to buy things with simplicity in mind; I just don’t have the mental capacity for complicated outfit-building.
Anonymous
I find the comment “ jingo buy ‘Murican type” highly offensive. Buying products produced in the US is good for jobs, taxes paid to states and communities, and the environment. If you don’t care to buy domestically, that’s your choice but there is no need to be rude and snide about other people supporting US manufacturing.
bbb
100%. It’s also like you’re saying I like buying American but not like those other people who like to buy American.
Anony
+1
Anon
I have met multiple people who can’t talk about “buying American” without saying openly racist things about lower quality goods from “lower quality” people, so I understand why people would want to distance themselves.
Anon
I agree with this as it has also been my experience, particularly with members of my own family.
Anonymous
Oh, of corse then since you’ve met some people who talk about buying American that are also racist, then EVERYONE who tries to buy domestically manufactured products is also racist. Do you see that you are equally guilty of stereotyping? I make an effort to buy products made in the US where we have things like labor and environmental laws.
Anon
Anonymous at 1:33, for most of my life, racists in the US have “tested the waters” by saying things that could be innocuous or that could be prejudicial before escalating to openly racist statements depending on the kind of reaction they get. Their reprehensible views and bad behavior has created a social context where truly innocuous statements are easily misunderstood as “dog whistles” that help them find each other and band together against the people they hate and their political opponents that don’t share their hateful views. The sneaky gameplaying of racists is to blame when people are misunderstood or when they take measures to avoid being misunderstood.
anonshmanon
I think you are putting words in the OP’s mouth here. She didn’t say that she’d never insist on buying American and painted all people who do as racist. The picture comes together when you apply all the keywords at the same time (jingo, buy American, say ‘Murican instead of American). If you don’t think all of these describe you, then maybe this isn’t about you!
Anon
Can it be “I felt like prior iterations of “buy American” were done in a way to demean non-Americans* but now I can see that American labor laws mean that workers are treated significantly better than other garment-industry workers.”
* What even does “American” mean to these prior sayers of “buy American”? Have they no sense of history or irony? IIRC, it was used in the 80s by failing American car companies to shame buyers of Japanese cars (obvs not to shame rich BMW or Jaguar drivers, but middle-class people buying less expensive cars that were reliable and easy to find mechanics for).
Anon
Snowflake much?
Of Counsel
I suspect it is because “Buy American” is shorthand for many people for “Buy White” because they have no problem buying from Canada or Europe.
I do not have a problem with buying American just to support the US economy. Wanting to support our workers and tax base is a perfectly valid reason to favor US goods. And I do not have an issue with wanting to support stricter environmental and labor regulations. I do want to point out that those two are not synonymous. Many countries have labor and environmental laws that meet or exceed those in the USA. And without in any way, shape or form saying that your concerns are not in good faith, I have seen them used (hello my very conservative family members) as an excuse to not buy things from brown people.
Hence the need some people feel to caveat their posts.
No Face
Karen Kane comprises 90% of the clothes that I buy new. I have multiple cascade dresses, a tee shirt dress I wear all the time, and several tops. The items last for years despite frequent machine washing. I can’t speak highly enough of the brand.
I usually buy on sale. The sizing is very consistent.
anonymous
A while back, You Look Fab did some posts about her and the company.
Senior Attorney
A WAY while back! https://youlookfab.com/2011/06/14/design-at-karen-kane/
Senior Attorney
More links here: https://youlookfab.com/2020/12/17/spotlight-karen-kane/
Anonymous
I just wanted to apologize to insomnia poster from yesterday. Your comments triggered a lot of anxiety for me, I had a beloved family member fall into addiction in very similar circumstances, and I shouldn’t have let that impact my comments to you. Step one is absolutely recognizing the problem and you did that and you deserve love and support for it.
Anonymous
I’m not OP from that thread, but I think it’s really cool you apologized. I thought some of the comments on that thread, I’m sure not all from you, were really stigmatizing and harmful. I have also been in that boat with a family member and it’s incredibly hard, but stigma makes it harder. I hope your family member is doing better.
Sunshine
I didn’t read the thread yesterday, so I didn’t see what was asked or what your response was. But I am amazed (in an extremely positive way) by your post today. If more of us self-reflected in the way that you had and made sincere apologies, I think many relationships would be so much healthier. Thank you for providing us with a great model and reminder about what we can do when we consider our actions and their impacts on other people, and then fix anything we believe we may have messed up.
Anon
I get why that would be triggering to you though. Delivery aside, a red flag re opioids and dependence on sleep meds would have been useful for a loved one who has been struggling with this for over a decade now.
Anonymous
The delivery matters A TON though. You would never approach a loved one with that kind of highly stigmatizing, judgmental language – it would hurt them, not help them, by making them feel ashamed and shutting down the possibility of seeking help. This is a case where tone, delivery, and wording matters almost more than anything. Even one misstep can shut down progress (ask me how I know).
Anon
I was also thinking about the insomnia poster. I hope that OP found some advice that was helpful and is taking some steps to get better. I was addicted to Ambien early in my career and can definitely sympathize. It is a tough situation and I also understand not wanting to go to your PCP in fear they won’t prescribe Sonata anymore. I thought the suggestion to seek a sleep doctor or psychiatrist was a good one. Good luck to OP and I hope they will feel comfortable to post again.
Anon
I think it is also important to distinguish abuse and misuse. The nomenclature lately is to take out abuse entirely and just use misuse but I think there is an important distinction. Taking a bunch of prescription drugs while drinking and partying is clear abuse. Taking a pill off label, not for what it was prescribed, so you have the benefit of a side effect is misuse. More people would be willing to be honest with their docs about this sort of stuff if it was treated more as misuse than abuse. OP wasn’t taking an opioid to get high. She was taking it to sleep. It is still dangerous. It is still misuse, but it is not quite abuse.
Likewise, it is important to understand the distinction between addiction and dependence. They are not the same.
Anon
I’m just a layman, but how are addiction and dependence different?
Anon
There are several different ways. Addiction, you crave the drug and crave how it makes you feel. Dependence can mean your body has built up a tolerance to the drug and you need more to get the same effect and you will need to be weaned to come off of it so that you do not go into withdrawals. For something like a sleep med, it can mean that you can’t sleep without it. Some drugs are prescribed knowing you may become dependent on it. Anti-depressants and prednisone for example should not be stopped cold turkey.
As a super basic example, say an opioid gets rid of your pain and makes you feel high. If you want to keep taking it for that high, that’s an addiction (if you meet certain criteria beyond recreational use). If instead you want to keep taking it, maybe even at higher doses, to control your pain, that’s dependence.
Anony
I am dependent on my pain meds because I take them every day, exactly as prescribed, and they help me function by decreasing my pain.
I am not addicted to my pain meds because I follow the dosing instructions and don’t take more than prescribed (i.e. I take 1-2 a day, because that’s what the bottle says. I don’t take 4 at once to ‘get high’).
Found this online –
While addiction is classified as a disease, dependence is a state of being physically dependent on a certain substance. Addiction is rooted in your brain, but dependence occurs when your body as a whole becomes used to the effects of a drug and goes into withdrawal if you stop using that substance.
Anon
IMO, I think you can be both. Alcoholics may be physically dependent on alcohol (that is why liquor stores were essential businesses) and also addicted to it (take for the feeling it gives).
Anon
Correct. I actually started explaining that and thought my post was getting too long and complicated. You said it in a perfect concise way.
Anon
But it’s also possible to be dependent and NOT addicted. This is important to understand since it can be physiologically dangerous to quit a medication to which one is dependent but to which one has zero addiction (e.g. prednisone, some cardiac meds, benzos for someone who has no addictive relationship to them, etc.).
Addicted to sleeping pills?
I’m the OP from yesterday. Thank you so much. It means a lot to me.
By the way, I threw away the hydrocodone yesterday, bought a new weighted blanket, downloaded the Calm app (it’s wonderful), listened to the meditation part, went to bed at 9pm and SLEPT ALL NIGHT. Didn’t even wake once. A huge thank you to the many people who commented with positive and helpful suggestions. It really helped. I already feel a lot more confident that I CAN actually sleep without Sonata.
CountC
This is such a wonderful update!!
Anon
I am so glad to see your update! You can do it and keep doing it! I posted above, but when I was dependent on Ambien, I had to slowly wean and really it was a few years before I was completely done. You may have setbacks but these are great steps that you have already taken and just keep working on it one day at a time.
Anonymous
So happy for you. Thank you for the update.
Anonymous
So glad to hear it!! Best of luck to you and good for you identifying this problem. It’s hard to do.
Anonymous
Wonderful so happy to see this!
Vicky Austin
I LOVE this update! Calm is pretty great. Way to go, OP! That’s a huge mental hurdle you cleared!
Anon
Wow!!! Thank you for updating!
Anon
Thank you for the update! I really hope you’ll be in a better place with sleep soon.
anon
Thank you so much for sharing an update. Like others, I’ve been thinking about you. Congrats on taking these amazing steps!
Helena
Wow, congratulations!! Just knowing it’s possible, even if not every night is like that, is such a mental boost.
Anon
I love this!!
Anon
I am so glad to hear this update.
I missed the thread yesterday, but just wanted to share that a more-or-less constant topic of conversation with myself and my friends (all in our 40s and 50s) is our inability to fall or stay asleep. Lots and lots of different methods have been and are being tried by all of us, and it seems like what offers the best success for people over time is the “sleep hygiene” stuff, vs. even “natural” things like melatonin or MJ edibles. This is such a common problem and it does seriously affect quality of life. Proud of you for recognizing an issue and reaching out for help, and I hope you will keep reaching out.
anonymous
We just moved to a new state. I am overwhelmed with the idea of making friends all over again. Any advice on how to make friends as an adult?
Anon
For now, outdoor activities may be more what people are doing in your area. Are there any do-in-group things you like to do: golf, tennis, running, hiking? A lot of these are done with a social component (hash house harriers, our local breweries and bike shops have evening group events with socializing after, etc.), and with COVID, I’ve done more of all of the above then I ever imagined in the past 15 months and have almost a second set of people I know and can socialize with (some are even in the full-fledged friend category now).
Anonymous
Stick to it! Definitely try to find things you genuinely enjoy doing outside your house and keep going. My whole first year of NewHobby I made zero friends and now I have half a dozen from it.
Reach out to random connections- FB friend, old high school acquaintance. If you have a college alumni group post that you’ve just moved to XYZ place and are looking for friends.
Be engaged in your community. It’s great to know when movies in the park are etc so you have fun things to invite people to
Dame Judy
See if there is a Facebook group for your neighborhood or local area. It’s a great way to find things you need (plumbers, handymen, pedicures, dentists), but will also have posts from people organizing local events … I belong to a locally based knitting group and post the meetings on the various FB groups for neighborhoods in the general area as well as the group’s FB page.
CHL
When I moved someplace new I was comforted by an article I read in Psychology Today that it takes 50 hours to turn an acquaintance into a friend and 90 to turn them into a close friend. Obviously there’s a lot of caveats and it was like two studies, but it put in my mind that it’s just a matter of time – put in the time and results will come. So find and keep showing up to school/church/exercise/ neighborhood stuff. You won’t find your BFF immediately, but if you put in the time it will happen.
Bonnie Kate
+1 to finding and keep showing up to school/church/exercise/ neighborhood stuff. Check out libraries, community boards, etc for local events and show up to them. Honestly the smaller and more localized the event the better, because people will notice the new person and want to know who they are and chat (at least in my community). If you can find a very small little cafe or coffeeshop, that’s also a good place to start frequenting. Sitting at the bar in my coffeeshop will get you a long conversation from the owners most days :) and you’ll get to know the area.
Also, be open to making friends from a wider variety of people than people who are your age/traditional cohort. I’m 33 – and in my community, I’m actually better friends with many retired people because we’re in the same community organization. Also, if you don’t have kids as a 30-something, retired people are good to hang out with because they’re done with the kid thing (opposed to the 30-something parent friends, who I’m also friends with but it’s a whole different thing).
Pompom
Consistency. Find the place and thing *you* like, then keep going, keep being visible, and keep awkwardly saying hi to people.
I moved to a place where my DH and I knew literally not a soul 4 years ago, and through the above method (at a local bottle shop) I now have a swarm of incredible, diverse, and deep friendships. It took time–maybe 1.5 years–to get to that point of friendly regularity, but it was so worth it.
Brooklyn help
For me, the quickest way is to let me current friends across the country know that you are looking for friends/support in your new city. Ask them — anyone you know here that I should meet that you think I would like to hang out with? You don’t want them digging up their junior high ex-boyfriend, so don’t just ask “Do you know anyone here?”
anon
Reach out to your existing friend group and see if they have friends in your new location and wouldn’t mind introducing you. We’ve met several great friends this way – both in the “you just moved here, you’d like this person” and later on with the “my friend is moving to your city, can you take them out to dinner.” Otherwise, go out and do stuff, take classes, just explore your new location. And, don’t forget that you can always make friends at work.
Senior Attorney
And definitely keep trying even if you get discouraged. When I got divorced a few years ago I was looking to make new friends and it was hard! I joined a church and tried and tried and OMG it just didn’t click even though I volunteered and showed up to things. And then I found my Rotary Club and it was like the heavens opened up and went “These are your people!” And I was the same me in both places.
I’ve also had good luck making friends at the gym and at dance classes. Go on a consistent schedule and you’ll run into the same people, and then it’s natural to have coffee after and take it from there.
IL
Are you moving to an apartment or a single family home? If the latter, your neighbors may be a natural fit. Having moved to a SFH in a new state from a decade of apartment living last fall, I am surprised by how much more contact I have with neighbors now even though we live further apart. That may be because we’re all waging a battle against nature and trying to keep our gardens watered and tame!
Also consider joining Next Door and getting a subscription to your local paper. Both will give you local knowledge so you can make intelligent conversation instead of just talking about how you are new to town.
Anonymous
Ah, NextDoor. Today my Nextdoor feed is full of people talking about the venomous pet cobra loose in the neighborhood. You never know what you’re going to get…
Pompom
Heyo, N. Raleigh from CH!
Cb
I stupidly haven’t worn earrings since March 2020 and now I can’t get earrings through. Can I have them re-pierced?
Veronica Mars
Some people have had success trying to access the piercing from the back, not the front. I’d pick something with a sturdy, 14kt post. If you can get it in partially, try gently probing and seeing if the opening will re-open (sometimes I find it’s closed if I’m pushing straight back, but if I wiggle it a little, it’ll go through a bit to the side. If that doesn’t work, consult a local tattoo shop or piercing place (not the mall) that uses needles. They can advise if they can use the existing hole or if it’s healed/scarred over.
Cb
Thanks, I’ll ask at a tattoo / piercing shop!
anne-on
This – I had to have my ears re-pierced in my late 30’s by my dermatologist (had them done by a Claire’s equivalent way back when and they did not a great job). I was surprised by how painful it was to have them re-done by a needle, so you may want to ask for numbing cream (fwiw, my derm didn’t numb them beforehand because neither of us realized just how closed they were). It was also kind of a pain to do the whole ‘wear one set of earrings daily for a month’ thing. I’d recommend getting a pair that is plain enough to go with everything and with posts that are comfortable to sleep in (sleeping in earrings was hard to get used to for me).
Anonymous
I like huggies for wearing to bed! No post, no poking my head.
Anon
Flat-backed labret posts are great for sleeping.
pugsnbourbon
This is what my wife had on her piercings (2 holes in each lobe, done by a professional piercer). They were comfy to sleep in but a real PITA to get on and off (she was supposed to remove/reinsert them to clean the piercing).
Sybil
That has happened to me many times. My holes tend to close up in the back. Unless you can’t get them in at all, try using your thinnest posts and just keep pushing.
No Face
I just had my ear piercings reopened. They were closed for 15 years. The piercing artist had no problem whatsoever.
anonshmanon
I just want to push back on your use of ‘stupidly’ in describing something entirely neutral. You wish now that you had done the opposite, but it doesn’t have to come with judgement.
Anon
We can judge ourselves. I’m not Cb but if I wanted to describe myself as stupid that’s no one’s business to come in and word police.
I am sure Cb knows she’s not actually stupid.
Kat in VA
If I haven’t worn earrings in a while, I’ll use a 14k or surgical steel post earring but also “grease” it with a tiny dab of neosporin or triple ointment. It helps slide the post through the hole easier and also keeps it from getting infected if you poke or tear the piercing hole (actually a tube) a little bit.
Anon
My husband asked me what Chico’s was and I had the shocking realization that I am probably in the Chico’s demographic now. Except that I had kids later in life, so I am like 10+ years older than the average age of my kids’ school friends’ parents and yet b/c of the kids I don’t live the typical older-woman lifestyle. I still work FT. I belong everywhere and yet don’t fit neatly into a box for shopping purposes.
Like this summer, I realized in horror that I have no casual shorts — every single thing is North Face or Athleta or somehow OK for being in the woods but not really cute the way I used to have cute shorts. Hey, at least I’m also striking out on capris and other Golden-Girls-adjacent items. But I feel like it is also to make some very wrong mutton-dressed-as-lamb choices (e.g., will buy an item at Old Navy for me in M, kiddo likes it so we have the same item for her in S –> should people with a ~40 year age gap be in the same item? Maybe OK at ON but not at some place like F21?).
Anon
FWIW, Old Navy has these linen-blend shorts that I am loving and feel age appropriate (late 30 w/ mom bod.)
Anonymous
You have got to just wear clothes on your body. All these labels are meaningless. Find something that you like and wear it – that’s it.
Anonymous
Yeah this. It doesn’t matter where your clothes come from if they fit and you like them.
Anonymous
Exactly. OP, I beg you – just wear the clothes you want. I promise, promise, promise you that no one else cares as much as you do or is thinking that you look inappropriate or ridiculous. Even if they did, who cares? Life is too short to consider the opinion of jerks.
Anon
Good advice for OP. Demographics don’t matter – you buy what you like that looks good on you. I’ve been a Talbots shopper since my 20s and now in my 50s…I also occasionally have bought pieces at Chico’s, AT or Loft, or WHBM if I like them….or specific retailers for certain professional clothing…MM Lafleur for dresses for example or Tommy Bahama for swimwear. I could care less who else is shopping there and/or how old they are,
Anon
Haha I started shopping Talbots in my 20s and was pretty much over it by my 50s (which honestly has as much to do with Talbots changing as it did with me aging.)
Anon
who cares. wear what you like. i am not in the Chico’s demographic, but after looking at their site, they have some items i think look cute. i mean should people be in the same item with a 40 year age gap, i personally think it depends on the item (like maybe if it isn’t a crop top, or a mini skirt, but if thats what you like to wear, you do you)
Cat
I am similar to you in that I am late 30’s but have no kids. In theory retailers think I should be “mom friendly but cute” in their targeted FB and Insta ads, full of things that are trumpeted as bf-friendly, but the weekend styles that aren’t “look how machine washable I am” are a little too youthful — all the smocking and frills and flowers might work on a coltish 23 yo but not me.
I am finding that going up in price point but buying fewer things (like – one pair of designer denim shorts that are the perfect length, one looser-fitting ‘tiered’ dress, etc) is resulting in feeling current but not “mutton” fashion victim.
Anonymous
I mean, I’m 37 and I wear smocked dresses on the daily. If you don’t want to, cool. But it’s about your attitude not your age.
Cat
Sorry if you felt insulted there…
thought it was clear that I said “but not me” not “but not all 39yos”. I tried a smocked dress and felt like I was wearing a costume, so opted right out.
Anonymous
You said they might work on a coltish 23 year old. I just want to be very clear they also work on a chubby 37 year old.
anon
I just turned 40, and I agree that buying fewer, but better, items is the way to go. At some point, it becomes more about dressing who you are as a person rather than chasing trends. What frustrates me is that even small weight fluctuations can change how something fits in ways that didn’t matter as much when I was younger and my body was different. That’s another reason why I’m no longer buying for quantity; I can’t risk having half my closet being unwearable.
anne-on
I find it hard to talk myself into buying the more $$ items when for so long I bought casual wear that was cute! and affordable! from H&M/Ann Taylor/Gap. But their quality really nosedived after the late 2000s/early 2010s (yes, I am old). Now everything in stores seems to be crop tops/mom jeans/90s slip dresses so if I find something that I like, fits me, and is well made, screw it I’ll buy it full price, even if it’s at Chicos/Talbots/old lady stores.
Anon
My weight goes to my thighs; as I age, the thighs become harder and harder to fit. I’m also not really able to keep my weight within a narrow range, and am frustrated with clothing manufacturers wherein gaining 5-10 pounds renders the item too tight. (It might “fit,” but it doesn’t really fit.)
anon
Yep, the thighs are my problem.
Anon
Give it time. With peri- or straight menopause, it will start going to your belly instead. Yay?
Anonymous
I don’t know what Chico’s is either (sure, I googled, but the images don’t really tell anything about the demographic of the shopper to a European). But for your question about Old Navy and wearing the same as your child: it’s not weird to shop at the same place for you and child at ON or Gap or somewhere else where neutral basics is a thing. It is however weird to buy matching items, unless it’s a plain neutral basics kind of item. Would at the very least buy different colors or patterns.
You don’t say what age you are, but yeah – don’t buy matching clothes from Forever 21. Don’t buy anything from F21 at all, if you’re old enough to have a child 40 years younger that buys clothes from F21, would be my take. :D
Anon
OP here — I think the “matching” items weren’t sold as “mommy and me” items but were things that I rebought for her so she wouldn’t borrow, like a utility jacket and a denim shirtdress. I guess that’s pretty basic. But my mother’s generation was so formal that we were never dressed alike (we are 20-something years apart in age; when she was my current age, I was almost done with college); I feel like there is no clear path in a world where work attire and weekend attire are awfully blurry.
Anon
Your posts are always nearly incomprehensible.
Anonymous
Yes this. The cadence is just so weird.
bbb
Maybe the problem is you because everyone else seems to comprehend it fine. Don’t be rude.
No Face
I understand her perfectly. If you don’t like her writing style, I highly recommend scrolling past. I scrolled past Ellen posts for many years and did not suffer any harmful side effects.
Anonymous
The OP posts very frequently about her worry about looking like “mutton-dressed-as-lamb.” You can scroll past, but also? No one needs to read that kind of ageist and sexist anxiety-speak on a daily basis. It’s hard to avoid reading the first post. OP, you can post what you want, but please consider whether this is good for you.
Anon
It’s fine not to like everyone, but it is weird to bully someone because you find them annoying. We’re all adults here.
Anon
But the old fogeys yesterday who don’t know what Stan means even though the reference is more than 20 years old, they can pick on people’s wording?
Anon
Way to double down. Go play somewhere else.
Anon
Joking about not knowing what slang means and following around some poster making demeaning comments about her writing style and content are not even close to the same thing.
Anon
For retailers, is where a way to put a filter on your computer to filter and exclude reviews of “this [often thin, synthetic] fabric shows/magnifies every lump and bump and soft squishy area” and include / highlight reviews saying “this fabric magically glides over everything in a way that is optically smoothing without being constricting”? I want clothes I can wear regular underpinings with and not need any sort of shapewear to avoid the lumpy-squishies that a lot of clothes reveal.
anne-on
I would pay a monthly subscription for that browser add-on ;)
Anon
Ok so I know you were being funny, but just in case you’re not, as a fabric person I would tell you to avoid the following:
Spandex
Bias cut
Crepe
Jersey
Look for natural fibers (cotton, linen, wool) in a woven construction. Good key words are
Woven
Gabardine
Twill
Broadcloth
Poplin
Canvas
Hope that helps! I’m sure other fabric people/ home sewists can chime in with other examples!
Anon
I feel like home sewist is relevant here because 0% of your recommended fabrics would fit me off the rack or even “three weeks after the last time they fit me perfectly”!
Anon
I mean, you said you didn’t want clingy. That was the specific issue I was addressing. If you’re talking about fluctuating weight, that’s a different story. Remind me not to try to be helpful until I’m a mind reader.
anon
It depends on the item, but IMO, a basic pair of shorts transcends age brackets. She’s going to style them differently than you do, I’m betting.
anne-on
Both my mom and I now shop at Talbots. She is 70. Whatever, they have relatively cute, well made tops and dresses as well as shorts that aren’t SUPER short. Jcrew also has longer inseam length shorts than they used to. This is kind of the benefit of my fairly preppy style – it’s never really ‘in’ style (aside from when gingham, boat shoes, and bean boots were having a moment), but never super out of style and if you buy quality pieces they can last for a good few years.
Anon
This. I’m the poster from above that has shopped Talbots for 30 years…classics never go out of style and suit a wide range of ages.
AnonATL
Yeah I was shopping at Talbots in my 20s because they had good classics.
Sure everyone in the store with me could have been my grandma but whatever.
Anon
I am the 50+ year old who stopped shopping there. It may just be the store in my area but for me, Talbots has always had two sides – the classic wool gabardine suiting that is slightly boxy but tailorable vs. the other side, twee “preppy” sweater sets with embroidered lobsters and coordinating pastel clam diggers.
The store me has gone 100% to the latter in the last 5-10 years or so.
I’m occasionally tempted by their fall catalog, but I’m often disappointed by the quality when I receive it, particularly compared to my workhorse of a Talbots wardrobe from the 90s.
anon for this
There are two stores near me, and they clearly serve different demographics – I find one very Grandma-oriented, and the other one has things styled in a way that appeals to my thirty-something self.
Anonymous
No need to do Chico’s. Find a more sophisticated set of retailers and build out a small wardrobe of better quality modern pieces.
PolyD
Such as???
Elderlyunicorn
Cuyana, Modern Citizen, Amour Vert, Uniqlo, Vince … to name a few.
MJ
Oh, you mean brands that go up to Size 10? I feel like that’s not really a workable thing since I’m 5’11” and most of those brands cut for very tiny people, but thanks.
Anon
I am too (tall and not tiny) and I find plenty at the shops listed (Vince, Cuyana, etc,), I’d add in Ann Mashburn, Emerson Fry, Sue Sartor, Tucker, Tuckernuck, Diarrablu as a few others that make sophisticated, well made, classic pieces with an edge that make up the bulk of my wardrobe. Zero need for Chico’s.
Anonymous
Look at German and Scandavian brands for interesting clothing cut for taller bodies.
Anon
Seems pretty normal to me. I am 64. My daughter is 23. We have duplicates of many items because she sees something I have and says “I want that.” It cracks me up to see her embrace brands like Eileen Fisher. And, for what it’s worth, her xxs Eileen Fisher looks so sleek and high fashion, while mine looks, well, the way we tend to think of EF, because it is on a differently shaped body. And yes, we both have the Old Navy linen blend pants and the Target v-neck woven cotton top and ….
Anonymous
I used to buy from stores with an older demographic than me (say 50-60) when I was in my thirties. The clothes looked young and elegant, professionally aspirational.
Ten years later I don’t buy from these same stores at all. Partly because of changing trends, of course, but partly because the contrast in my and target age is gone, just leaving me looking slightly older and less current than I am. I’m very happy with my age, and don’t need or want to dress older or more senior than I am anymore.
Anon
Can you link to the old navy linen blend pants? That sounds like something I need.
Anon
The cropped one are here: https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=968264002&vid=1#pdp-page-content and the wide leg are here: https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=940117002&vid=1#pdp-page-content and here: https://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=551156052&vid=1#pdp-page-content . If you doodle around the ON website, you will find more colors and patterns at slightly different links.
Anon 2.0
No hating on Chicos! I am 31 and I have a few *select* Chicos pieces. They do have some nice pieces at times if you stick with solids and natural fabrics. I also find J Jill to have some of the nicest tshirts out there, though sizing down may be necessary if you aren’t into a Lagenlook style.
Obviously, wearing a Chico’s look head to toe is going to look matronly but I do think they can be a source for some nice workwear if carefully selected.
Anon
J Jill has some good fabrics (I am all about natural fibers) and they have killer sales. Only the most devoted J Jill shopper would ever consider paying full price there!!
I didn’t buy but ogled their spring colors this year. I should go back and see how cheap they are now!
Anonymous
I’m not in the demographic, but range from cusp to plus, and I will stand up for Chico’s pants (they have a pair that is my holy grail) and their stretchy shells.
Anonymous
My husband has never, ever spotted a Chico’s and without immediately asking if we go. He is fully convinced it is an upscale chain burrito restaurant and is always crestfallen when I explain that it is not.
anon
OK, that’s funny!
Anon
Leopard print burritos with gold plated chains and some sequins!! Yum.
Anon
You don’t have to shop at Chico’s. I’ve made it to 56 without shopping there, except for a brief few years when I discovered they had pants in a tall length, but I only bought the pants.
You don’t have to buy older leaning brands at all. I have a mix of things currently – Levi’s, stuff from various Nordstrom in-house brands, and for the current warmer weather, lots of linen from Flax, Eileen Fisher, and other better quality brands. As I’ve gotten older and have donated a lot of clothes that just don’t work for me, I’ve realized that I mainly want certain shapes and colors that are well made and that I can use for more than one season, preferably for several years. The only thing I want to buy new every year as I get older is my underwear, you know?
I love stalking eBay and secondhand sites for duplicates of items I love in other colors or just to have a backup for my most favorite of favorite items.
anon a mouse
I missed the Costco conversation yesterday but: rental cars! They are far and away cheaper than anywhere else. One rental will more than pay for our membership.
Anon
I don’t have a costco membership but I’m wondering if it’s worth it for optometry. I no longer have a vision plan and I’m questioning how good VSP really is vs buying at a place that doesn’t do the ridiculous markup in the first place.
Anon
I have had good luck with Costco optometry. They had a good selection of glasses at an excellent price point.
Also their pharmacy will save you a fortune and in most states you do not have to be a member to buy there.
Anon
And for pet meds, too!
MJ
100% worth it for optometry. I have a light Rx and got 2 pairs of computer glasses, one pair of Rx glasses for under $200 last summer. LensCrafters or Pearl Vision — I wouldn’t have gotten even one pair for that price.
Anon
I went to the dermatologist yesterday for what I thought was gnarly eczema rashes on my face, and ended up with a script for Valtrex, because apparently people who have had shingles are permanently likely to have their skin explode when they’re stressed. She advised me to limit stress.
Today I have a high-stakes interview during the same hour that my husband will be in court, being sued for POA of his Alzheimer’s-ridden father. Later this afternoon, I’ll find out if I need back surgery.
Sure, lady, no problem.
Anon
You’ve got this OP! Good luck, I hope it all goes well.
Vicky Austin
Oh no, I’m so sorry. That is a LOT for one person to deal with! Big hugs. One thing at a time.
Anonymous
I love the advice to limit stress. Like, do you think I want to be stressed? Do you think I’m not already doing everything in my power to live the happiest life I can? It’s like they think I go through life loving to be stressed out and all I needed was for someone to tell me, hey don’t do that.
Anon
I know what you mean. I’ve received similar advice, and it just added stress. Then I was stressed about being stressed.
Monday
If it helps at all, I had this happen in 2017 (I think) and it hasn’t happened since. I had a spot near the bridge of my nose, right under the nose pad of my glasses, that turned out to be shingles. I was on Valtrex and also had to make sure it hadn’t spread into my eye! This may become just a distant memory. But I’m sorry for everything going on right now. Most stress is not exactly voluntary…
Anon
Since a lot of these are temporary problems, you may want to talk to your doc about a sedative to help you be stress free in your off hours to get your rash under control.
I had extremely bad poison ivy once. It looked like third degree chemical burns on my arms. Stress made it get way way worse. In addition to the prednisone and benadryl I was given a sedative to take anytime I wasn’t working/driving to try to get my body to calm the F down. But I was also at the point that my allergic reaction was so bad that I was almost hospitalized and was going to have to take some leave from work so we were flat out desperate.
I can’t tell from your post how bad your situation is but just some food for thought.
anon
You will be ok….happened to me….had chicken pox and mono when I was younger. Got prescribed Valtex for a strange rash on back of leg where I had torn ligaments a few years earlier in college. The virus stays in your body, goes to physically weakened areas and comes out when you are under stress. I learned to take these occurrences as a signal to take care of myself. After today, you need to rest, eat good foods, sleep and take Vitamin C, Vitamin D and Lysine (amino acid) and stay away from Arginine rich foods – read about the shingles diet on line.
Senior Attorney
Oh, no! I wonder whether having the shingles vaccine would prevent this in the future?
Anon
I’m not old enough! They turned me away, even when I said I’d had shingles in my early 30s. I was so angry.
Senior Attorney
Oh, man! That’s awful!
emeralds
OMG what?? I got shingles in April 2020 (haha, wonder why…) and had no idea this could happen.
Anon
Wow, that is a lot! I’m sorry you’re going through that and wonder if you’ve considered running into the woods never to be seen again, I mean edibles.
Anon
If you had a normal cold (runny nose, sore throat, fever but below 100, cough) and were vaccinated (pfizer) would you get covid tested? I’m attending a few gatherings this weekend and though I expect everyone is vaxxed, I really don’t want to be the cause an outbreak of the Delta variant.
Cornellian
I’d get tested, also because it could be the flu (and you can get tested for that, as well). I got tested a few weeks ago with no respiratory symptoms (mostly UTI ones) because I was going to go to a lake house with (vaccinated) friends and couldn’t bear to bring something in.
Cat
yes why on earth would you not. it’s free and fast.
Anonymous
Yes. Why are you even asking this? Testing is extremely easy. It’s extremely accessible now. It’s free. This is a no-brainer and you absolutely should not go to the party without it. This honestly feels like pot-stirring.
NY CPA
I would if it went on for more than a day or two and definitely if I was planning to see people.
Abby
DH had similar symptoms in May and is fully vaxxed (also Pfizer). He got a rapid test & regular test to be responsible, because we were planning on seeing groups of people. No harm, and also peace of mind for you!
Cb
Yep, I would. The post-vaccine Delta cases here in the UK are looking more like a bad cold than “traditional” symptoms.
Anon
The last time I got the creeping crud, my doctor’s office told me to get tested. It wasn’t any big deal and I didn’t feel badly enough that I’d bother with the doctor in non-COVID times, and didn’t ever feel like I needed to be seen or that there was anything for them to do if I did go in, but wanted to stick to best practices, which according to them was to get tested.
Anonymous
Yes, I would. Caveat that it is free, close, and super easy to do where I am in MA. I have 3 kids and every time they get a headcold we get them tested because there is literally no downside and we can be back in the house by 8am often with same-day results.
Davis
I would get tested. I would also reconsider the idea of attending gatherings even with a cold. One thing I’ve appreciated about this year is that people stay home and away from me when they have cold symptoms. If they were comfortable with me attending like that (assuming non-covid), I’d at least wear a mask while there.
Anon
Although, honestly, wouldn’t attending in a mask be a red flag, even with a negative test? Or do you think that we’ll get the point where we are OK having sick masked people in our group settings?
[Just thinking out loud — I have known (by my regular people) chronic allergies and sinus issues, but I’m fully vaccinated. My regular people get that I can sound froggy and blow my nose a lot, but it might not fly at a conference when those start up again. Maybe there will be a wristband to denote “just allergies!”?]
Davis
It’s a great question. Maybe masks work well enough for sick people to attend events and pose no/minimal risk to others. As for allergies, I understand those! At my office some people abused the allergy excuse to come in with all kinds of non-allergy illnesses. I’ll be curious to see how this evolves!
Anon
if you are sick you should stay home, if you have allergies/sinus issues that is different.
Anon
I get that they are different, but that’s only to a person who knows the facts. To a stranger in the same room, this could be alarming.
Anon
I sneezed a few times in my office last week as the lady who waters my plants was ready to come in. I put on my mask, as I always do when someone enters, and she refused to come in (politely waved me off). At first I though it was silly but quickly realized I’m a stranger to her and she has to protect herself. She doesn’t know that I’m fully vaxxed and sneeze 3 times everyday between 3 and 330 (true story).
Anon
I’ve been wondering about this too. I have non-allergic rhinitis and asthma, so I have a runny nose and a cough every single day, nothing to do with being sick. I’ve been really glad for work from home to avoid everyone giving me dirty looks every time I blow my nose or cough. Do I have to wear a sign around my neck when we go back to work, telling everyone I’m not sick? Oddly enough, my nose mostly stops running when I wear a mask, but the cough doesn’t go away entirely, though it is better.
Anon
i would and i would also ask the hosts if they would like you to stay home.
Anon
i would and i would also ask the hosts if they would like you to stay home.
Anonymous
I would get tested. You should also stay home if you are sick regardless of the test results. It is rude and inconsiderate to give everyone else a cold. Less rude than giving them COVID, but still rude.
Anon
agreed. it is one thing if you have something super important to attend that you can’t reschedule and you have a cold. but just socializing for fun, please stay home. no one wants your illness
Anonymous
Yeah, this. My boss got COVID after meeting with a friend who had tested negative for COVID. They all got it, including my boss’s kid, and I’m sure they wish they had just stayed home instead of meeting up when someone had “a cold.”
Anonymous
Even if it’s just a cold and someone catches it, you are now making them have to get a test and possibly isolate. My husband is immune compromised and kids aren’t vaccinated. I would be super pissed at the amount of upheaval all because you couldn’t be bothered to stay home. That was rude during normal times. Beyond rude during pandemic times.
Anon
Right? Like I get that back in the pre-COVID days, the expectation was that unless you were bedridden or had something really bad like strep, you sucked it up and went – canceling plans due to a cold would’ve been considered “flakey” by some. But I’d like to think that after what we’ve all been through, most reasonable people would prefer that party guests opt to keep their germs at home.
Anonymous
Yes. You get tested. Expecting is not the same as knowing. Even if it’s just a cold, you’ll save them from needing to get tested if you spread it.
Anonymous
It’s only Wednesday, if it’s a normal cold then that should resolve itself before the weekend. Drink lots of water and rest today. If you wake up tomorrow still feeling poorly then yes get a test.
Anon
I would get tested to help support public health efforts. I would stay back from gatherings if my doctor thought whatever I had would still be contagious this weekend, since nobody wants a communicable disease that confers a runny nose, sore throat, fever, and cough, even if that’s the extent of the suffering.
Anonymous
I would not get tested and I would also stay home because Covid or not you are sick and it’s hideously rude to expose people to that.
Anon
I traveled last weekend and picked up a cold. I know it’s a cold because I don’t have fever, chills, body aches or any symptoms other than a sore throat, some postnasal drip, and a generally grumpy feeling. I remember this well from pre-Covid times and a big part of the grumpiness is that I got sick on my very first foray out into the big world in over a year. I am already feeling better than I was yesterday, so I am not going to get tested, but I also have no plans to be around anyone this weekend (I’m also permanent WFH, so won’t be seeing people in an office either). If I was planning to be around people I would get tested. Guidelines are that vaccinated people who test positive, even if they are asymptomatic, should self-quarantine, just as an FYI.
AnonMPH
You should absolutely get tested. You have a fever, it’s not normal to have a fever with a normal cold, so you do not actually just have “a cold”. Whatever it is, you shouldn’t go to the gatherings this weekend unless you are feeling better. And you should definitely get tested and should not go if you’re positive.
The whole issue with the Delta variant is that while protection is good with the mRNA vaccines, there will be more breakthrough cases in vaccinated people than with the earlier variants. And there already were SOME breakthrough cases even before. As a vaccinated person, you will likely just have something that feels like a cold, or something that feels like nothing (if you are asymptomatic). But that gives those who are vaccinated a responsibility to still consider whether we could be spreading things.
All that said, you really likely don’t have covid. But this is our life now- when we have some covid symptoms we get tested to rule it out.
Walnut
Hopefully one thing we’ve all learned out of this pandemic is that if you’re sick, stay home! A negative covid test doesn’t give you a hall pass. No one wants your cold or strep throat either.
blueberries
+1 on staying home when sick. Also, get tested.
Know that even a cold can seriously through a wrench in people’s plans right now because we’re still in a pandemic. For example, kids with cold symptoms are still excluded from childcare/camp in many places for however long the cold lasts. For parents who may already have burned through every ounce of goodwill at work, this can be really difficult.
Anon
OMG this
Anon
Yes, as someone with a cold right now (I posted above) I’m grateful this isn’t worse, but also not super thrilled it’s happening. I’d rather not be sick at all. I was really hoping we could normalize staying home when sick, after the global pandemic and everything.
Anon
Even if all you have is a run-of-the-mill cold, I’d still refrain from those gatherings. I know, I KNOW, you’ve been isolated for so long and it’s the 4th of July, it would seriously suck to miss out, but people probably don’t wanna be around sick, sneezing, sniffling, coughing people right now for any reason. But if you’re feeling better by the weekend and simply must gather with others, please at least wear a mask.
I really want our post-COVID new normal to include staying home when you’re sick, even if your illness feels like no big deal to you.
Anonymous
+1. OP, if you go to this gathering sick, I can guarantee you’ll never be invited back. Miss this once. There will be others.
Anon
OP Here, went and got tested, no Covid! Big relief. I’ve been feeling sick since Sunday but actually feel like I am on the upswing. If I feel like I do today over the weekend I will absolutely stay home and isolate. Also working from home until I feel better. Thanks for the input!
Anon
Our daycare had a 24-hour fever-free rule, which I took to heart even though our kids are older. 24 hours sans fever should mean it’s OK to venture out (absent other symptoms, usually GI-related).
Anon
Yes, because testing is free and very accessible where I live.
Anon
Yes, I’d either isolate or get tested. Since you can’t isolate, or can’t do so easily, I’d get tested. And then of course isolate if you’re positive.
Covid is currently more common than the common cold in terms of things that are “going around” so it’s in no way a stretch to suspect it.
Anonymous
Any insights into the job market in Hawaii for a litigator? My husband is in the military and has the opportunity to move to Hawaii, but it looks like he won’t be forced to move (for now). I’m a biglaw partner with a small book on the east coast. My firm doesn’t have an office in Hawaii and I’m skeptical that I could continue my current practice from such a distance. I’m open to maybe moving in house or to a different firm, but I’m not open to taking a huge step back in terms of experience and salary that puts me much below say ~$200k, which seems to be the going rate for in house jobs locally. I initially dismissed the move because I assumed the job market would be a no-go for me, but I figured I should at least look into it given that DH would really like to take this opportunity. I appreciate any insights!
anon
FWIW – when I searched the ACC job board for Hawaii, I got zero results. I am an East Coast lifer, so I truly have no idea what the market is like, but wanted to throw that out there for you.
Anon
IIRC there is a Deloitte office there that was originally to support securitization on a different time zone (literally, the ability to work around the clock). It is still there and the guy doing securitization is grandfathered in but otherwise, it’s not really a thing. STILL, if you are biglaw, you might be able to slot in to something (not sure re litigation vs transactional, especially re real estate, but maybe a lot of loans need to be restructured for all of those hotels and restaurants). Also, Hawaii has very very quirky real estate laws and a lot of law there seems to be real estate related (lots of 1031s IIRC, but with 99-year leases vs feeholds). I’d reach out everywhere and network around — you’ll be a familiar thing, the trailing military spouse, but at a level that makes it worth trying out since you will be (likely) coming and probably able to contribute. It’s hard — I know 3 trailing spouses who were in HI and the nurse found a job, one person started her own free-lance business that has been successful, and the other did tutoring.
Anon
longer post in moderation
Cat
fwiw it’s bc you used a word that includes the phrase ‘tr-ns’
Anon
As a California lawyer with island dreams, I’ve followed postings there loosely over the years and I don’t think there’s much. At one point I recall an airline having an in-house position. Most of the industry there is tourism. Maybe check the dockets of their local courts to see who’s practicing there and in what capacity?
Anon
I know you say you don’t want to take a step back but what about government jobs?
Anon
Any chance of working remotely for a California office? That keeps the time zone differential down to a manageable level and you could fly back every so often to be in-person.
Nesprin
The flight is 5 hrs and there’s a 4 hr time zone difference. This is unlikely.
Anon
It’s a 3 hour time difference, not 4.
Anon
3 hours means that 6:30 am until 3 pm is a reasonable schedule.
Anon for this
Also a milspouse, although in-house and not biglaw. We have ruled out a HI move for similar reasons — although I could keep my job (theoretically), the time zone change would make it nearly impossible to work with my clients in Europe.
Since you may be willing to change jobs, what about looking for a remote position with a west-coast based company? If you could shift your work day to begin early morning, you would basically be working PST hours. Maybe also look into MSJDN (google if you’re not familiar) which may have state-specific ideas.
Anon
Ditto the Military Spouse JD Network. They’re the group behind bar reciprocity for spouses and they’ve done a fantastic job. I was involved maybe a decade ago and back then it was impossible for milspouses to find legal work in Hawaii because islanders wanted to keep jobs for islanders. Not sure if that’s changed since then.
Anon
And if your husband hasn’t, have him talk to his career manager about your career. The military has changed in recent years and recognized that spouse employment is a major factor in retention, so they’ll try to accommodate a spouse’s career when possible. We’ve asked to be kept on the east coast so that I’m an easy flight/train/drive from and in the same time zone as my home office, and they’ve been great about accommodating that.
Anon
I’m not an attorney, I’m an actuary. I seriously looked into an opportunity in HI (I’m on the west coast, so it was somewhat less of a stretch) and was surprised at how little most jobs pay there compared to similar jobs in major US cities, while the cost of living in HI is extremely high. I couldn’t make the numbers work for myself at all. It was like looking at a rural Midwest pay scale for a San Francisco+ cost of living.
paradise
Hi all, Hawaii attorney here. Longtime reader/lurker. This is one of my few comments on the board over the years. Not a lot of transparency for law firm salaries in in associate ranks, never mind partners in private practice here. From what I’ve seen the last couple years, 7th year associates (of the less than handful of firms where numbers float around informally here in some groups) can make anywhere from $65k – $120kish. So huge range (yes, salaries are low) and much room for interpretation as to what that translates to for a partner. Hope this helps.
Anonymous
For the poster yesterday looking for cute shorts – I recently went to Anthropologie (first time in a store since Covid!) and bought basically the entire store. They have a bunch of cute shorts. I just got an email from them with an ad for gingham shorts and I might have to go back. I’m 37, no kids, have been living in Athleta for the past year, and also recently realized I don’t know how to dress for summer (or anything?) anymore.
Anonymous
Whoops just realized that post was today – apparently I really want it to be July!
Veronica Mars
Oh, I needed this, thank you. I also ordered the paper bag pull on shorts from Loft and I’ll report back if they work well!
Anon
I am in a dead-end job that I’m 95% sure I could stay at until I retire. It’s not unusual for my colleagues to celebrate 30- or 40-year anniversaries. It’s a privately-owned company, with multiple contrasting markets (one up when other is down, etc.) with deep pockets, and good planning at the C-level. I will never move up, I will never get more than 1-2% raises, and my skillset is already so outdated that I’m not eligible for senior roles at other companies (even though I should be, for my age and time in the industry).
I was downsized three times in five years and then lived hand-to-mouth for six years, cobbling together waitressing and freelancing to keep food on the table. I’m still a bit traumatized and gun-shy. My savings were decimated and my retirement accounts are very low for my age. I had hoped to retire early, but now I just hope to retire, period.
I know I need to make a lateral move to get updated experience and then try to move up, but the idea of leaving my sure thing has me paralyzed. But I’m also the sole wager earner for my household, and we need the money.
Any life experience from older ‘rettes?
Anonymous
How old are you/ when are you hoping to retire? What industry? Is picking up some kind of consulting project outside your current job an option?
CHL
You might check out the book “Designing Your Life” or “Designing Your Work Life.” They go through a process of thinking through what’s important to you, what are potential options, how could you test out some of those options before fully committing, and etc. Sounds like there are a lot of tradeoffs and you know that you need some kind of change. Those exercises might help you figure out how.
Veronica Mars
How old are you? How much are you making and what’s your goal income?
Veronica Mars
My advice would be different if you’re 35 vs 57.
Anon
I’m 46, making 72k. Someone in my field, of my experience level, in a senior role, would make 110 to 120k.
Veronica Mars
In your shoes, I wouldn’t lateral since age discrimination is real (although may be less prevalent in your industry than mine). Instead, I’d look for ways to update your skills– via training, a certificate, volunteering for a nonprofit in a similar role, or even doing some “passion projects” at work that are more current that you can get on your resume. Then I’d be applying for the more senior positions.
No Face
I think this is excellent advice.
I will also ask OP to question whether she really needs additional experience, or if she can grab a more senior role and grow into it on the job. Women undercut themselves while men are applying for all the jobs.
Anonymous
Staying is nuts. No matter how stable you believe this company is, a lot could happen in 20 years. Even if the company stays afloat, there could be a reorg or you could get a new boss who harasses you or you could have some other reason to need to leave. The longer you wait, the more outdated your skills will become and the harder it will be to make a switch. More income also means a bigger emergency fund and more retirement savings.
Senior Attorney
When I was about your age (maybe a few years younger — early 40s), I was a partner in MidLaw, making decent money but no book of business and watching the profession become more and more eat-what-you-kill. I realized I was in danger of being unemployable if my firm ever decided to cut me loose, so I took a significant pay cut (but shorter hours and better benefits) to go into a government job that put me on a new and different and, may I say, ultimately way better career track. Now I’m set to retire in a couple of years with a pension and a nice nest egg.
I say make a move. Don’t sit around waiting for the axe to fall or your options to get fewer.
At the very least, put out some feelers and see what’s out there.
Go for it
I feel your worry!
If you can, try an evening PT job / online class to build new skills you are interested in. Plus, I think good employee skills transfer and perhaps the worry is having you skew your capabilities.
Anon
and can you shed a bit more light as to why you are the sole wage earner for your household?
Anon
Would you ask a guy that or would you assume, if married to a woman, he had a SAH wife w/ the kids or a disabled spouse or even a housewife? I feel like women are the only ones asked why their spouses don’t work and it’s pretty sexist in my eyes. If we normalize men staying home too, women will not be judged as such risks in hiring.
Anon
I felt weird about that question too. Thanks for pointing out why.
Anon
We don’t even know there is a spouse, so…
difanon
Not anon1038 but her household is relevant to risk. The 6 months of underemployment the OP experienced sound miserable and it’s extra rough if she’s, for example, financially responsible for two kids. A stable, but dull, job would be more attractive under those circumstances.
Anon
6 years, not months.
difanon
Oh man. That would be absolutely brutal.
Anon
actually yes i would if posting anonymously on a blog. not in real life obviously, but there are lots of things that can be done from home these days to earn money
Anon
Agreed — if you are that close to the breadlines (or being on the breadlines in retirement), why aren’t others pitching in? Is it the OP + disabled parent (totally fine then, but maybe disabled parent has benefits that need to be applied for?)? OP + shiftless adult children (OMG no, just no; get to work or get out)? OP and small children at home?
I am always sort of shocked that so many people I know have some random layabout relative sponging off of them or a family member (or outright stealing, moving in and never leaving expect with the things they pawned on the way out, etc.). It is really sad. I get that some people are unable to work for $ and some people will always be dependent, but how some people just refuse to work and take and take just amazes me.
Anon
It sounds like you have a job where you can work to live instead of live to work. There’s something to be said for that. Does it pay enough that you’ll be able retire? Are you generally neutral to happy? If so, there’s no urgency to leave and you can be very deliberate about what plans you make.
MechanicalKeyboard
Why are so certain that you will never move up? Is it possible to upskill yourself while remaining at your current job? Does your job give continuing education benefits? Are there learning paths for your field in Coursera, Udemy, YouTube etc.?
Anon
There is nowhere to go at this company. My manager was a department of one for 17 years before they expanded to hire me, and she became my manager. She has been clear about her plans to retire from this company. Short of her getting hit by a bus, I will stay in this role.
Monday
If you’re in a competitive local market, are you open to relocating to somewhere less competitive if you could get a more senior position there? Might also be a cheaper COL.
Anon
Why can’t you get a new job?
Anon
…for all the reasons (s)he says?
Anonymous
This is largely colored by my recent experience. I am 48 and I let myself stay in a safe dead end job for close to 15 years. In the meantime I let myself go in pretty much every respect. Skills – outdated. Appearance – outdated. Network – outdated. Then due to a variety of factors I had to hit the job market. It was brutal. And I also figured out that because I was bored and coasting I wasn’t killing it with the quality of my work either. Age discrimination is real – no question and I saw some of that – but the lack of attention to growing my career played a significant part as well. Took me 1.5 years to land my next job. If you are the only wage earner in your HH you need to think about protecting your ability to get the next job.
Marie
Anyone bought a refrigerator recently and have recommendations for one they are happy with? We need to replace ours and I’m thinking that 4th of July appliance sales are a good time to do make this purchase.
Anonymous
Not to jack your thread, but can anyone comment on whether a smart fridge is worth it? We might be in the market for a new fridge soon.
AZCPA
I looked at them seriously when I got a new one in 2017, and just couldn’t see a benefit. Plus, it’s not only more stuff you are paying for, it is more things that ca break down.
Cat
+1, I don’t see the need to pay a premium for built-in electronics that will inevitably be “yesterday’s tech” far before the fridge itself would die.
Senior Attorney
OMG right? We have fancy appliances (not, mercifully, including a smart fridge) and not only are there more things to break down, but the repair bills are insane!
anon
I can’t even imagine why a smart fridge is necessary.
Anon
I’ve posted before but check your specs, refrigerators have changed standard sizes in the last decade and your kitchen space may or may not accommodate a new one. I had exactly one option for my space when ours died. Unless you’ve got a completely open space (in which case, I like the Big Chill line for a cute fridge), your options are likely limited to what will fit rather than features.
Anonymous
We got ours too recently for me to recommend it, but be aware that many fridges will take weeks to deliver at this point (unless you get a floor model). Ours took a month.
Walnut
If you need a replacement fridge in place, not just on order, you’ll be more limited. We ordered a GE Cafe fridge in February witg projected delivery pushed to August (with no real assurance we would get it then) so we swapped for an in stock GE Profile. I specifically wanted a flex drawer for my kids’ snacks and smelly leftovers.
emeralds
We got the Whirlpool four-door fridge in the fall, and LOVE IT. I was initially skeptical, but the organization of the bottom freezer is so smart and wayyyyy better than my mom’s “normal” bottom freezer (she agrees).
Marie
Thanks all, I’m not in dire need at this point, so delayed shipping not a huuuuge deal, but I’m glad someone mentioned that to keep in mind.
Anon
Whirlpool. We didn’t get the fanciest most gadgety model, we just wanted one that would work and not break after two expensive refrigerator mistakes. We asked the repairman, who was practically a member of the family at that point, which brand he repaired the least, and he said Whirlpool. Done.
Whatever you do, don’t buy a Samsung. Not only are they crap, but their warranties are meaningless.
emeralds
Ohh yeah, everyone we talked to (from a trusted locally-owned to appliance store to the big box folks) told us to avoid Samsung at all cost.
Screaming!!!
I HATE HATE HATE how it’s become perfectly normal and “acceptable” to be late to all meetings. WTAF
That is all
AZCPA
Interesting, I’ve seen the opposite happen in both my volunteer activities and work. With virtual there’s really no excuse to be late, and for things happening in person, there seems to be an acknowledgment of the value of people’s time.
Are these meetings you are running and you can set expectations?
OP
If they are my meetings, I start on time even if not everyone is present. IDGAF. Unfortunately, the biggest offender is my boss and they are almost always meetings HE has scheduled. He has been on time to maybe 1% of meetings in the two years I have reported to him.
I also always stop my meetings on time even if we aren’t done. If it’s clear we aren’t going to finish on time, at 5 minutes to scheduled end, I stop the meeting, set action items, and then advise I will set another meeting to finish whatever it is that we need to finish. I know everyone has another meeting sheduled right when mine stops, and I want to be respectful to them and to their next meeting. This is one of my biggest work pet peeves!
Anonymous
I can’t always do it, but for ones where I am the host and I don’t have to worry about upsetting someone senior, I announce I have a hard stop so would like to get moving and just do. Over time, people recognize there will be no “how’s the weather” crap for 10 min.when it’s one of my meetings and they tend to show up. I also minimize any social niceties of those showing up late—I try to keep the conversation going instead of letting them hijack with why their other meeting was more important or what not.
Bonnie Kate
This is aspirational. I’m transitioning next month to be the president of a local club and I can’t wait to run meetings more efficiently.
Anon
You can also use us language to be less potentially offensive to those who may be sensitive. “I realize everyone’s time is valuable and many of us have a hard stop at 11, so let’s get right into it.
OP
I do this for my own meetings, absolutely. I’m even the a-hole who will get other people’s meetings started or indicate we need to wrap up.
However, my vent today was spurned by my own boss being 10 minutes late to a meeting he set with me, and only me, to talk about a topic HE needed me to get him up to speed on. GAH!
Anonymous
My boss does the same thing, routinely. It is so aggravating!
anon
I’m not disagreeing with anyone that lateness to meetings is frustrating but there’s actually a fair amount of research that the “how’s the weather” crap is actually pretty beneficial to fostering teams so want to push back against that idea. Especially those who use the early meeting chit chat as an excuse to be late. The chit chat is part of the meeting, be on time.
Cb
We’re still 100% WFH and weirdly people are more on time now that they don’t have to move between buildings or campuses.
anon
Same.
OP
That sounds dreamy. I can’t remember a meeting where everyone was located in the same place in the 5 years I have been with my company so WFH hasn’t changed this unfortunately.
Anon
I’m late to meetings when people schedule meetings to last 60 minutes. We always schedule meetings to begin at the top of the hour, so if my 2PM meeting ends at 3PM, I can’t make it on time to my 3PM meeting.
This is driving me crazy because in office, we always ended at ten till, but on Zoom people go out of their way to utilize the last 59 seconds of the hour like it’s a mandate, and I don’t even get to stand up between meetings if I’m anxious not to show up late. I’m ending the meetings that I lead at ten till, but it hasn’t caught on yet.
Anon
I HATE HATE HATE how people think something they see a couple times means a certain behavior is a worldwide trend.
OP
Good afternoon to you!! Let me add the asterisk for you *at my company and with my customers. Better?
Anon
Lots of people have back to back meetings. At my company, we’ve started scheduling 25 and 55 minute meetings.
Curious
Yes. Forgive those of us with hour long back to backs who also need to, say, drink water and use the facilities. I wish I had a camel bladder, but even before I was pregnant, I did not.
Home Care or Nursing Home in Mexico
A hypothetical question – if you were searching for a Home Care or Nursing home facility, would you consider one in Mexico (provided the staff speaks English)? What would be the criteria or type of information you would be looking for?
Anon
Being on the other side of an international line from a parent would be a real problem for me. Not due to competence of the facility, just the possible red tape of needing to get to them quickly and being shut out due to geopolitical issues, health restrictions, etc.
Anon
Or like how the Canada-US border is still shut down even though you used to commute / easily visit just a few miles away.
Cat
Same. Not to mention the additional red tape that may or may not apply on legal documents – like now you’re dealing with a power of attorney that applies internationally
Anonymous
Not unless I were Mexican.
Anonymous
I’d be very interested in how their laws work for these facilities. Also, in US skilled nursing, you are usually stuck with the facility’s medical team once you enter a facility (except for when you take your family member out for specialist visits yourself) so I would need to be VERY confident about their medical staff (I’m not confident enough for this in the US!)
Davis
I know you weren’t asking about this specifically, but I’ve used and highly recommend the official Medicare resource for comparing home health agencies, nursing homes, hospitals, and more:
https://www.medicare.gov/care-compare/
Anon
It depends on what your options stateside would be, where you live, and why you are looking at Mexico. The best facilities in Mexico are better than the worst ones in the USA but I am not sure they are cheaper. If there is a reason to be in Mexico other than price then I would google list of questions to ask nursing home and go with that in addition to a careful in-person inspection of the entire facility.
Also the travel/international border issue is real but less so if you live in San Diego vs. Maine.
Home Care or Nursing Home in Mexico
Thank you all for your input!
Anon
Does anyone have an eyelash curler rec for small, deep set eyes? I have just come to the conclusion that perhaps I the size or shape of my curler is why I don’t get good results.
test run
I have similar eyes, and I like the eyelash curlers that are marked as “portable/travel” sized/shaped better than the traditional metal ones. I’ve been using this one from Muji for a few years and really like it: https://www.muji.us/store/rubber-refills-for-eyelash-curler.html
Anon
I have eyes like this and on the advice of this board recently got a lash lift and tint. SO MUCH BETTER than I was ever able to achieve myself. Love it.
Anon
Does anyone know of a good dupe for all of those Too Faced unscented blushes they used to have and are now discontinued? That formula was the only one that didn’t accentuate my redness and texture. I see they still have Papa Don’t Peach in some places, but it is scented and I am not sure that would be good for my sensitive skin.
Elderlyunicorn
If you’re looking for a powder, have you tried the Tarte Amazonian Clay blush? I don’t know that it’s marketed as fragrance free, but I don’t notice a scent.
Anon
I liked those, also have redness, texture, and sensitive skin, and I am currently really liking Bobbi Brown pot rouges. Powder Pink is a really good natural looking flush for pale skinned cool toned me, and I’ve seen it look great on all kinds of skin tones.
Anon
I write a weekly newsletter for our clients, and I frequently write about what’s going on in Congress that might impact our industry. Every time I write a sentence like, “A group of bipartisan senators agreed to an infrastructure deal,” my boss will come behind me and correct it to, “A group of bipartisan Senators.” There’s no way to tell him he doesn’t know the rules of capitalization, right? So I’ll just continue to go back behind him and change it back? I’ve been writing this newsletter for years, but I don’t remember him doing this until this year.
Senior Attorney
Find some style guide that has the rule you want to follow and show it to him.
Senior Attorney
“Hey, Boss — no big deal but I follow the NYT Style Guide and they say lower-case s for senator when not used as part of a proper name, so that’s why I do it like that.”
Anonymous
I’d show him the source with the rule and have a discussion about it. He could have his reasons and/or want to be correct at other times in his communications.
Anonymous
It’s “a bipartisan group of senators.” The group is what is bipartisan.
Senior Attorney
Heh there’s that…
Anon
Thank you. I also felt she was describing the senators individually as being bipartisan. I like your wording better.
Anon
Do not go behind his back and change it back. You describe the nuances of the AP Style Book (Senator for a title for a person, senators when talking about the general people) and ask if he would like to follow that guidance. Then abide by his decision.
Cleveland dining options
Anyone have any recommendations for places to eat in Cleveland? I will be there for a few days for a wedding and could use recommendations for breakfast, lunch/brunch, and dinner alike. I’d prefer outdoor seating or good to-go/delivery options whenever possible. Thanks!
ClevelandBiker
Where in Cleveland? East side or west? If you post a throwaway I’ll email you my recommendations!
Cleveland dining options
Ack, sorry, I got tied up in meetings! East side near Case Western.
Anonymous
Luca has outdoor dining and is delicious — overlooks the viaducts downtown.
AlleyCat is lovely, so is Fahrenheit
If you’re near Vermillion at all check out the roof bar at Chez Francois
The Original ...
Guarino’s! Slyman’s!
Anon
Low stakes question: my dog likes to sleep on the guest beds and likes to make a nest out of the bedding while looking out the windows. It’s adorable, but he’s making a mess of the linens. His claws have even snagged the thinner quilts in a couple spots. Any ideas for what I could do with the bed to protect my sheets but still give him burrowing satisfaction? My husband’s alternative is to close the doors to the guest rooms, but that turns the house into a cave.
No Face
I would get some old comforters from Goodwill and let the good boy go to town on them! I would use the nice linens only when I had guests, and I would tell them to close the door.
Anon
+1, also my dog is also a burrower who has never been interested in dog beds, but sometimes we put her dog bed on the couch or on a bed and suddenly she must lay there.
anon
Put dog-appropriate sheets/bedding on there until you actually have guests. Can you use an old or cheap comforter on top of them or instead of them? I don’t know that there’s any way to protect a fabric from dog claws/muck/hair except for covering it up.
Anon.
I really hope someone has a great idea for you because as your house guest with a dog allergy this is my absolute nightmare.
Anon
Same. But then again I would never stay over in a dog-owning household.
Bonnie Kate
Why in the world would a person with a dog allergy ever stay in a house where a dog lives?
Of course I wash the blankets/pillow cases my dog has laid on before giving them to a guest to use, but I wouldn’t be able to completely dog proof a room. My husband has cat allergies, so we don’t stay in homes where people have cats. That’s what hotels and Airbnbs are for.
Anon.
Because I visit family in areas where hotels or Airbnb’s are extremely inconvenient (25+ miles). Because my allergy can be treated, but treatment is more effective if I’m not rubbing my face in the dog/dog hair as might be the case if the dog sleeps on the pillow of the bed I’m using. Because I’m willing to be uncomfortable for a couple days to spend time with my loved ones and no, I won’t complain about it to the host because I get that pets are family too.
Anon
I have a fantastic solution for you! Don’t stay at OP’s house. There, we fixed it.
Anon
Then you are welcome to not stay at my house! Sorry lady but a dog lives here, if you’re that fussy, go stay in a hotel.
Anon
I would get hardcore mattress protectors and entirely separate sheets; I personally would probably get a tough canvas futon cover so that there are no quilts or sheets to snag. It is worth it to keep the dogginess from seeping over time into the mattress (dogs are wonderful; the places where they sleep do pick up a certain smell). Only dress the bed in bed linens when you actually have a guest (and definitely close the doors in that case).
Anonymous
We just keep an old comforter over the nice comforter in our guest room for the cats to sleep on and remove it when guests come.
Anonymous
Since you used the plural – at least close off as many rooms as possible! I think you have basically changed the function of the room/s from guest room to dog room. Nothing wrong with that, if you have the space to spare, but it will never be a pleasant guest room for actual guests if it’s the dog’s normal room.
No allergic/asthmatic guest can sleep there, anyhow, but as somebody else commented – dogs do smell quite a lot, and their bed will smell a lot, it won’t be pleasant for guests if they’re sleeping in the dog’s den. But if you have enough spare, nothing wrong with just dedicating one of the rooms to the dog permanently, and make a bed set-up that is super-dog friendly in every way, with non-guest dog bedding and accessories.
Anonymous
Buy one of those eyelash nest style beds and put the dog bed on top of your bed.
Anon
My dog likes our guest beds too. I just put an old blanket on both and take it off when we have guests. Fortunately my circle is comprised of animal lovers and polite people who will stay elsewhere if they find the situation not to their liking.
Anonymous
Is this depression? Or not – it’s just my life and I need to deal with it? I am overwhelmed in the last few weeks by how “empty” my life is. 40s, single – so no husband or kids to come home to. On top of that work is awful. Most people I know who are totally single are workaholics and are really captivated by their jobs/working all the time so they have SOMETHING. I don’t have either of those things. No real friends either – tons of friendly acquaintances but having not seen them in over a year they’ve fallen away and as people now start to gather they are looking to gather with their close family, friends, friends with kids their kids play with etc., not me. In terms of family – aging parents I’m trying not to be too dependent on and a sister who is fine but we have nothing to say to each other as she’s one of those aforementioned workaholics. Extended family (cousins etc.) barely talk to me if I reach out to them; they are traditional with 2.5 kids each, families, and overly religious so they pretty much act like something is wrong with me. I feel some combination of alone and the doom of – how am I going to do life like this?? WWYD? How do I improve at least some small aspect of my life?
Anon
Just from reading this, it sounds like you’re looking outside of yourself for fulfillment. Create your own meaning. Find a hobby, volunteer with a cause that’s important to you, get involved with a community group. What makes you tick? What do you like to do?
anonymous
I agree with the advice above about volunteering, finding a hobby, etc. I don’t know if this would suit your lifestyle, but maybe getting a pet or fostering for a shelter?
Also, I can relate to not having a lot of real friends. I married, but no kids and I WFH so I don’t really interact in person with co-workers.
Anonymous
Based on my experience at a similar point . . . Do you exercise already? If not, I suggest that. Experimenting with various forms can be an interesting journey in itself. And then assuming you find something you like/can tolerate, that can provide a social outlet (even if not super deep) and endorphins to fuel whatever else you decide to turn your attention to next.
Anon
See also the thread above about ways to make new friendships as an adult. Volunteering for a cause you’re interested in can be a good way to meet new people with similar interests, so that can be great in multiple ways. I think these feelings of malaise are often temporary and are worse now due to extra pandemic stress and isolation. Hang in there.
Anon
Are there things you used to do outside of work before the pandemic that you can get back into? Going back to the dance studio has been a saving grace for me these past two months.
anon
If you don’t already, a dog or cat can really add companionship and joy.
anonymous
+1
I underestimated how much getting a dog would make me feel present in the world after years of feeling single and listless and like many of my friends were retreating into their marriages/families. He needs regular care and interaction with me, so I can’t slump into a Saturday of wandering aimlessly from the couch to the kitchen to the bed while the hours slip away. It’s easier not to take myself and the petty and non-petty indignities of life so seriously when he’s giving goofy smiles and pouncing on moths. He’s a total ray of sunshine. My dog is also extraordinarily charismatic and cute so he’s a people magnet. I aspire to have his confidence and zest for life.
Anonymous
Totally agree. This might sound silly, but I also feel real joy and meaning in planting flowers in my garden to support bees and butterflies. When I see 4 or 5 little guys buzzing happily around on a single lavender plant, I feel a surge of love and protectiveness towards them!
family
For those of you who are high risk, but are vaccinated, how are you handling visits with close vaccinated family now?
My parent is immunocompromised and very debilitated (in bed most of the day), and was vaccinated but it is unclear if it will be efficacious for her. She almost never leaves the house except for an urgent doctor’s appointment/test. She hasn’t seen her son/grandchild in 1.5 years and they are coming to visit next month. They will fly. They will stay in a hotel. They are both vaccinated. They are both careful, and he works from home and grandchild did remote school until recently.
Current plan is everyone will wear masks inside I guess…. no eating together…. and they wont even be in the same room with Mom most of the time. Can’t really leave windows open as it is so very hot here. Not sure my Mom can tolerate wearing a mask for so much time…
Anon
Do you have access to her medical portal/doctors? This is probably something I’d ask the doctor about.
Anon
Also, can you have her tested for antibodies next time she’s at the doctor?
Anon
That is not recommended because it is not really a valid test of vaccine-induced immunity.
Anonymous
High-risk, vaccinated-but-not-sure-it-works here. I’m much more conservative than most people I know, but I have chosen to socialize with single households of other vaccinated people whom I trust. To give specifics, I saw my vaccinated parents and mostly hung out on their deck, but also went inside as needed for the bathroom and food (without a mask). I’m about to leave to go stay with my best friend, her husband, and her unvaccinated baby in a remote cabin and will not wear a mask indoors with them, but will wear an N95 whenever I’m out of the car on the road trip (which is going through a very anti-mask, low vaccination rate area). Both of our families are being extra cautious in the two weeks prior to the trip – masks everywhere, no extra socializing or meet-ups of any kind.
Why not get get the son/grandchild a test after landing? It’s not perfect since it’s just a point in time, but it’s better than nothing.
Anonymous
I’d do whatever makes your mom comfortable. She’s the one at risk.
Anon
What does your Mom want? For her, it may be worth the risk to see her son/grandchild. This is a conversation she needs to have with her physician so that she can really understand and weigh the risks. Her decision may not be your decision.
lanyard q
My employer wants staff badges worn on the chest at all times now (clipped to your waist no longer ok). They provide lanyards, but they hit me in a weird spot, especially when sitting or wearing a seat belt. Is there such a thing as a length-adjustable lanyard?
Senior Attorney
Not advocating buying cheap stuff from Amazon, but a quick search says yes: https://www.amazon.com/Lanyard-Adjustable-lanyards-Vertical-Waterproof/dp/B07P6633YL/ref=asc_df_B07P6633YL/?tag=hyprod-20&
Anon
I put a knot in the back to shorten it.
Shelle
Ditto
NYNY
My employer requires that ID badges be worn above the waist, and after experimenting with a few lanyards, I found I prefer to clip it to my shirt collar at shoulder level. If what I’m wearing is too light to support the badge, I pull my bra strap into the clip.
Anonymous
TW: weight loss /dieting
Has anyone had an RMR test? I can’t seem to lose weight on 1700-1800 calories average and I’ve got 75 lbs to lose.
Anonymous
That’s a pretty generous calorie count if you’re trying to lose weight. I’m shorter than average, but that’s above even weight maintenance for me. Try trimming down to 1500-1600/day and see if that helps?
Anonymous
Counterpoint: I am a small person and can’t lose weight on *less* than 1700 – 1800 calories because cutting back further wrecks my metabolism. I would imagine that a person with 75 lbs to lose would have a very hard time getting by on 1500 – 1600 calories per day.
Anon
Yeah, no. You aren’t breaking thermodynamics, or else you’d be at a black site being studied.
Anon
So I’m not the one that normally recommends the book The Obesity Code but I usually second the recommendation. Last time it was mentioned someone asked for a greater explanation. I’ll take a stab but it has been awhile since I’ve read it.
Basically, our bodies have a baseline weight that is usually controlled by insulin. If you reduce your calorie intake, your body adjust how it processes insulin to try to stay at that same weight. That’s why people lose weight, plateau and then gain.
The way to permanently lose weight is to control your insulin. Your body needs time not in an insulin spike. That tends to involve some kind of intermittent fasting. It could be as simple as eating meals but not snacks. For some people that means eating two meals per day instead of three. They are restricting when they eat more than how much they eat.
So yes, you can kill your metabolism eating too little and there is science to back it up.
Anon
Reply in mod.
Anon
Thank you!
Anonymous
How is losing weight on 1700 calories “breaking thermodynamics”? The NIH Healthy Body Weight Planner says maintenance for a 5’6″ 115 lb woman who exercises vigorously every day is 2264 calories. 1700 calories is a deficit of 564, which is pretty aggressive.
Anon
This is a stupid comment. Weight loss is about metabolism and the endocrine system long before it’s about thermodynamics. If you cut calories while increasing insulin, you’re not going to lose weight (unless you’re cutting calories drastically and dangerously). If you increase calories but in a way that lowers insulin, stabilizes blood sugar, and increases metabolism, you may well lose weight. My doctors have discussed this with me on multiple occasions as a patient with hypothyroidism and insulin resistance, and their advice has held true in my experience as well.
Anon
This is one of those fox news style “it’s just that simple” comments about something that is far from simple. Calories in/calories out is a huge simplification of a very complex process. I agree with 3:44.
Anon
I feel like I’m similar. Very confused by this. But I have always eaten a lot and constantly, so maybe when I do not do that, my body thinks there is a famine.
Anon
I did a little over 10 years ago (was ~ 35 at the time). I was training for triathlons at the time and kept getting injured. I had some biomechanic testing done and at a sports physiology lab at a university. The metabolic testing was cheap to add on. I love data so I did it. I did my RMR (sit there with a mask) and other testing to measure my energy expenditure associated with exercise. It was interesting. I am 5’5″ and at the time was ~ 125 lb and in very good shape. My RMR was lower than all the online charts say ~1200 Kcal/day. I also only burnt 60 Kcal/mile running. It was all interesting, but not really sure it is useful. I know for it that I am burning fewer calories than my Garmin tells me, but I didn’t need testing to tell me that.
Anonymous
Are you sleeping enough?
AZCPA
As another poster mentioned, that’s a pretty generous calorie count for weight loss (of course, depends heavily on your height, age, activity level, etc). Even if you do the test, it’ll basically confirm that your current eating isn’t working, and you already know that.
Have you done the following:
-Ensure you are measuring/weighing food super carefully, to ensure your calorie intake calcs are accurate
-Have your doc run a CBC, thyroid, hormone levels – the latter two are common detractors from weight loss and CBC can highlight less common ones.
I spent the last 5 years trying to lose weight, and it literally didn’t matter what I ate, I couldn’t lose a pound; in fact, my weight kept creeping up. Tried a number of doctor supervised diets, and two different ones run by my health insurance. A new doctor ran thorough labs, found a few key vitamin deficiencies, and treated my IBS that every other doctor said I just needed to live with. I’m finally losing weight now that these issues have been addressed.
Anonymous
OP here — just had a full blood panel run, I’ll have to look into CBC. Thyroid and hormones all OK. I’m strength training and counting macros, weighing almost everything I eat, trying to get up to 10,000 steps a day to increase my TDEE. It’s hard to believe I won’t lose weight SLOWLY at 1700, but I’ve gained like 10 lbs in the past year. At-home sleep test is the next step, but my app (Sleep Score) tells me my sleep is really fine.
Anon
How tall are you?
anon
I was wondering the same…I eat about 1800, but I’m 5’10 and strength train and am not trying to lose weight.
Anonymous
That’s a normal amount to eat. It’s not a weight loss amount. Try 1400-1500 and make sure you are counting everything. ‘just a bite’ 2-3 times a day can add 200+ calories depending on what you are eating (like timbits (donut holes) are ~100 calories each sometimes – I thought two with my coffee was no big deal but that’s an extra 1400 over the week).
Anon
The other person was right about insulin spikes, but you don’t need to do intermittent fasting necessarily. A lot of people have success with low-GI or low carb diets.
Shelle
My new sandals fit me loosely at the ankles and tops of the feet like the model in this photo. Does it look off to you? Should I return them or take them to a cobbler? I have bony triangle shaped feet, so sizing up to accommodate the width often creates loose straps like this. They don’t slip around too badly when I walk… knock on wood. But I’m wondering if they look awful to other people.
Anon
I bought a leather hole punch from a hardware store and use it to add extra holes to all of my shoes like that so that they fit better. If the shoes won’t go any tighter than what’s on the model I probably would not wear.
Shelle
That’s a great idea, thank you!
Paging Saudi Expat Experience
Someone posted yesterday asking about what it’s like to work in Saudi Arabia.
I am an unmarried, childfree American woman who has lived and worked in Saudi as an attorney for the last couple of years. I disagree with the assertion that this is a terrible place to an expat woman. This place is not perfect, but it has been a rewarding experience, and I recommend it.
– You will have fewer rights here than you may in the US (for example), but most – not all – of that abrogation is because you’re in Saudi, not because you’re a woman. That said, I agree with others’ suggestions to better understand your husband’s rights vs your own while you’re here, especially if he is a Saudi national.
– Guardianship laws were largely eradicated about 18 months ago; even before the law change, it was common in my city to see women socializing without a guardian. Further, the religious police were disempowered several years ago.
– Women have been permitted to drive for as long as I’ve been here, and I’ve never had any problems specifically as a woman driver (though, the driving here is absolutely bonkers. Here’s where all those hours you spent playing Mario-Kart pay off . . .).
– There is a LOT of sexism here. But, I am among the senior-most employees (not just women) in my large company, and feel well-respected in this role.
– Where will you be? Riyadh, Dhahran, and Jeddah (in order of increasing liberalness) are the primary cities in which an expat woman lawyer would work; each city has a totally different character, and differing degrees of socially-acceptable freedom and flexibility for women. I have been to all three. I don’t wear an abaya or cover my hair; I wear loose-fitting clothes that cover me from below my elbows to almost my ankle. So – wide legged pants (but sometimes skinny jeans); loose tunics; etc. As an expat woman, I have found that I am given a lot of latitude to dress as I wish, and have never had a moment of trouble getting around or being in public by myself. On the contrary, I have found Saudis to be either indifferent to me or welcoming and friendly.
– I disagree that the compound is like a fancy jail. I live in a compound; it is not much different from a gated community or neighborhood in an American suburb. The very presence of a wall seems to lead to the inference that it is needed for protection or your physical safety. I think, much like a gated community, the compound structure simply helps to keep non-residents out, unless they have a legitimate reason to be inside.
– This seems like a great place to raise a family. Domestic help is abundantly available – cooks, drivers, nannys, etc. You can hire as much help as you need.
– It starts getting hot in mid-April; heat really kicks up in May/June; extra humidity kicker starting in August; mornings and evenings get bearable again in November. But the other five months are, actually, quite pleasant.
– This is still Saudi; a few months ago, missile strikes were intercepted in my city, and it was very scary for a couple of hours.
Let me be clear that it has taken me most of the time that I’ve been here to adjust, and I still find a new detail of living here to adjust to on a weekly basis at least. But, on balance, I highly recommend the experience.
Expat Info
Thank you for sharing! I’m not the poster from yesterday, but did post a few months ago about possibly moving to Saudi. Can I ask you about your experience being single there? I was previously an expat in another Gulf country and thought the dating life was great – lots of interesting expats from all over the world, lots more men than women, easy to find fun things to do. However, alcohol and bars were also permitted in that country, so I imagine dating looked very different there than in Saudi.
Also, how was it socially moving there as a single person? In my experience most of the women on compounds are non-working wives, so I did find it hard to meet other female friends as an expat. Have you had any problems meeting friends or being included in the social activities on the compound?
Paging Saudi Expat Experience
Depending on what you’re looking for, there are opportunities to date. Tinder and Bumble both work here, and are popular. I’ve been on a few dates; I’d like to date more, but in my smaller city, my dating pool is small. Dating in Dubai is probably more fun. :-) Alcohol is unlawful, but it is everywhere. Lots of people make their own, and you can buy real, but at a significant mark-up.
Making good girlfriends was a priority for me. My approach was to say yes to every social invitation I got for the first few months; identify people I liked; hang out with them; meet their friends; etc. It took about 6-8 months, but I have a good inner circle of girlfriends and a broader circle of friends to socialize with. The marrieds tend to socialize with each other.
I wanted to set realistic expectations for anyone considering the move, and maybe neglected some of the things I appreciate about living here. My work is really interesting – there are lots of opportunities here, if you say yes. Eight weeks of vacation every year + central location makes it so easy to travel (a long weekend in the Maldives is not uncommon). It’s rewarding to live in a front-row seat in a country in the midst of significant cultural shifts. I’ve worked and traveled internationally a lot; I think it’s so important to bear in mind that while what we see in Western news may be accurate, it is not the whole story.
I’ve set up a burner email: baking.expat at the mail of g&&gl*. I’m happy to answer more questions you have about moving here.
Anonymous
Not seeing how any of what you described means it’s a good place for women. It sounds like it’s *slightly* less bad than it used to be and that you’ve found satisfaction in a lesser role.
Anon
What do you mean by “lesser role?” She says she is one of the most senior people in her company.
Anonymous
Lesser role in society. OP has found a successful niche, but let’s not pretend she has equal rights compared to men there (especially if she were the victim of a crime). That would be intellectually dishonest.
roxie
This is a classic case of “good for you, not for me.”
I would never.
Anon
I’m the poster whose friend had a tragic experience there and I wanted to come back and say that was before the 2018 changes. I’m not sure what would happen now in a similar situation but definitely still look into it.
Anonymous
This sounds like an argument against living there, not for living there.
Anon
This truly sounds horrible. I wouldn’t want to live mike this or bring my talents to a government that treats its citizens like this. Also, that abundant domestic help you mentioned is largely composed of foreign women with little recourses or rights.
Anon
Any of the attorneys here want to weigh in on Bill Cosby being released?
Anon
Not an attorney but eff that guy and every guy like him.
anon
Quick take: The prosecutors effed up by using depositions secured as part of an agreement not to prosecute him to prosecute him. The PA Supreme Court took up the case to decide whether the Commonwealth is bound to the original agreement not to prosecute/use the depositions because they were given expressley as part of an agreement that the Commonwealth wouldn’t then prosecute him.
Personal take: I feel terribly for the victims and am disgusted, but, legally, I believe the PA Supreme Court made the right decision.
Of Counsel
This is my take as well. This was a screw up by the DA (not the one who prosecuted him but his predecessor). But as a Constitutional matter you cannot tell someone they will not be prosecuted to get them to testify in a civil deposition and then turn around and use their testimony or the 5th Amendment is meaningless.
So the right call in the big picture but so hard for the victims in this specific case.
I am sure other states will look at their cases but the problem is that the statute of limitations.
Anon
Such a scumbag though, sorry.
If you didn’t see the nymag cover with all of his accusers…well, this wasn’t just _one_ opportunist woman that you could discredit. I hope he is tried elsewhere. PA cannot be the only jurisdiction where he engaged in this behavior.
https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/2015/07/bill-cosby-accusers-nymag-cover
Anon
It’s not so much what state, but how long ago the incidents happened. Regrettably, the statute of limitations has long expired for most of the incidents.
Cosby is a scumbag but the prosecutors really screwed up. It’s unfortunate that they wanted to put him in jail so badly they violated some pretty central tenets of the justice system. Cosby belongs in jail but I don’t think he’ll end up there again. He will die disgraced, which is something. Imagine if he had died thinking he got away with it.
family
At least he got some prison time too.
So sad.