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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 171 Comments · by

Tuesday’s TPS Report: Printed Knot-Neck Dress

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Escada Printed Knot-Neck Dress | Corporette

Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This week of TPS reports come to you from another recently pregnant lady: Work That Bump blogger, mother, lawyer, and overachieving chick, K.

I am in love. Sleeves, a fabulous print, a high neckline, and a good length. Oh, and over 50% off. Just what I want in a good work dress. I would wear it with a long silver necklace and perhaps navy shoes. It's available in sizes 34 through 44 (equivalent to sizes S through XXL), but you'd better hurry. A deal this good won't last long! It's $382 at Neiman Marcus, marked down from $850 (note: low stock). Escada Printed Knot-Neck Dress

Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

(L-2)

Comments

    • BB

      I have a few Escada pieces, and the dress I have is really well made. I love this dress, but the print is a bit too loud for work for me, and I’m on a non-work clothing shopping fast. :(

      • BB

        Also FYI if anyone is trying to figure out their sizing. I’m a very standard size 12, and I wear a 42 in Escada, although I usually have to get just a tiny bit of tailoring to take pieces in just a little.

        • Bonnie

          Yes, a 44 is not the equivalent of an XXL but a US size 14, a 42 is a 12, and so on.

          • preg anon

            I’m the guest poster today. Thanks for clarifying. I used the size chart on the website for that info, but it may not be right. I’ve never worn Escada, very sadly.

  2. Contact hiring manager?

    How does one contact the hiring manager without hurting their chances at getting the job? I found a position I am really interested in and have been thinking of contacting someone at the organisation. First off, it’s because I have some questions about the role, the description in the ad is confusing–I feel like understanding the role abit better will help in crafting the application. I have seen varying advice on the web: some say absolutely contact someone at the organisation, make a connection etc. I have also found an “Ask a Manager” post where someone lost out because they contacted the manager, and attempted a “hard sell” . If it helps I’m in higher education and in the past I have reached out to people via email for the initial contact, sometimes it leads to a phone conversation, and sometimes people indicate that they would rather answer any questions via email only. I am hesitant to call someone directly because they could be in the middle of something and feel irritated. So in short, what is the right way to do this?

    • anon

      I think it would be fine to reach out to ask questions about the role and the ad. I would welcome that sort of contact, honestly, because I want someone who can address what I’m looking for in a meaningful way. I’m in higher ed. and I have gotten annoyed when people continue to contact me about status before the job even closes. We barely look at applications as they come in because we want to look at them all as a group. I would have nothing to say to someone before the job closes. There is also very little I can tell anyone as we progress through our process. All of that said, I think what you’re describing sounds perfectly ok.

  3. BB

    Brand recs + shopping help!

    Any suggestions for brands like Stuart Weitzman? Around the $300-500 price point, but very classic (so not too trendy like Louboutin). Super massive bonus points if they offer W widths.

    I’ve also been specifically looking for the following if anyone has come across something: A black and white snakeskin pump. <2" non-stiletto heel – prefer stacked or a thick "cylindrical" heel, but wedges might work. $200-$500 price range. (I've been wearing my one pair of light colored pumps into the ground, and CapHillStyle had the great suggestion for snakeskin, but unfortunately, their recs are all too high-heeled.)

    Thanks!

  4. Diana Barry

    Ooooo, I love this. Way too much for me to spend on such a memorable dress, but it is beautiful!!!

    Ladies, how do you decide whether it is worth it to get things tailored? I have several items – print sheath dress, pale grey suiting dress, silk tank blouse, and black suit pants – to get tailored. I will definitely do the black pants and the suiting dress but I am not sure about the blouse and print dress…not sure how much I would wear them even if they did get tailored, kwim? Also, the tailor near me is expensive and if it were $50 per dress to do the tailoring I would only do one. Are the in-house tailors at the dry cleaner usually cheaper than stand-alone tailors?

    • BB

      First, don’t skimp on the tailor unless you’re doing something super basic like hemming. If you’re going to spend the money, you want it done correctly. Otherwise, you’re going to end up with a dress you can’t wear.

      For me to get something tailored, it has to meet the following criteria:
      1) I will wear it more once it’s tailored.
      2) Tailoring is cheaper than going out and buying a size that fits better (or the correct size doesn’t actually exist).
      3) The piece is expensive enough (usually over $100 for me) that I don’t want to risk doing it myself with my home sewing machine.

      If something doesn’t meet those criteria, I’ll usually tailor it myself since the alternative is basically writing it off as a bad purchase.

      • Diana Barry

        Thanks. These are all things that used to fit but are now too big (except the pants, which just need a hem). I guess I’m not sure how to judge spending $40 or $50 and not knowing how much I’ll wear it afterwards.

        • tesyaa

          I have the same issue. In fact, there are times I had older items tailored and then realized I just didn’t like them much anymore, and the fit was secondary.

          If you find a good bargain in a new item, you might wear that more than having an older one tailored, and the cost differential might not be that much.

        • Flying Squirrel

          I think it’s a risk that you just kind of have to get used to over time…as in, as you get more items tailored you’ll get a better feel for which types of alterations can work well and which will always be a bit wonky.

          FWIW, I’d personally be wary of tailoring down items that used to fit…especially more form fitting things like a sheath. It might work out great, but if you’re very picky about fit there is also a higher than average chance things might be somewhat off…enough to make you not want to wear them. I obviously, though, can’t speak to your specific pieces, just general advice from a petite who probably has 90% of her clothes tailored.

          • Diana Barry

            Thanks. I am happy with the very few items I’ve had tailored (pants taken in and hemmed, etc.) but I wear 99% off the rack so it’s hard for me to predict.

  5. July 4

    Hey guys, I’m headed to NYC for the 4th of July weekend (coming from UK) – any recommendation of things to do that night, places to see fireworks, special 4th of July parties/concerts…?

    • Ellen

      Yay! Great Dress, Kat! Perfect for me b/c of the high neck line and also the sleeve’s! No way for Frank to peek! FOOEY!

      As for the OP, welcome to the Colonie’s! If your comeing for the holiday, be sure to go to see the firework’s. Diblazzio has mooved them to the East Side, so you can see them if your there, or in Brooklyn or in Queens. Diblazzio is the new mayor, and he is tryeing, but so far, he is no Blumburg. I will give him a chance, b/c he is the mayor, and should be given a chance.

      Mason keeps askeing about my freind from college we had over on Friday. I think he think’s that he is some kind of stud b/c he is with Lynn but he want’s more VARIETY now. FOOEY on men that want VARIETY. What is Lynn to do now that Mason has had her? She is NOT about to find another boyfreind in THIS firm, and the only men that were NUZZELEING around her were the IT guy’s and the janitor for the building, who I think would have sex with her in a NY Minute, but they are NOT marrage material. I will NOT provide ANY informaiton about Cathy to Mason — such a doosh — and he should stick with Lynn now that he has had her for week’s now. Speakeing of Brookyn, Frank brought a box of donut’s and danish in from Brooklyn, and I ate 2 Bear Claw’s after other’s did NOT want the second one. Why do I do this to myself? Just when my tuchus was starting to look good, I eat 2 bear claw’s. FOOEY! I wish someone would just put me out of my own MISERY at this point, or else just MARRY me so that I would NOT care if I were overwieght. Mabye the manageing partner’s brother wouldn’t care, but I do NOT want to have to have sex with him every day and night like he want’s. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    • Anonymous

      Fireworks are on the east river this year so viewing from the east side and Brooklyn. There are also fireworks from Jersey City that you’ll be able to see from Battery Park. Macys usually has a map of where you can see the big fireworks on their website.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Gantry Park in Long Island City should have a good view of the fireworks since they’re on the east side this year (it’s also a very nice park). It will probably be crowded, but I imagine anywhere is going to be.

  6. Rachelellen

    I just wanted to thank everyone who chimed in with suggestions on my house hunt this weekend. A LOT to take in. It may sound silly, but I never realized before just how much less work apartments were. But I think it’ll be worth it. Anyway, thanks again…

  7. Freezing Freakout

    I think we may have discussed this here before, but I can’t seem to find it, and I’m in a little bit of a panic.

    I’m 29, I’ve been married for about 2 years, and very recently, my H has expressed that he’s not happy and that he’s not really sure if he wants us to be married or not anymore. We’re trying to work things out, but the longer this limbo drags on, the clearer it becomes that this is a “him” problem that needs to be worked out between him and his therapist, and not really a “there’s something particularly wrong with our marriage that needs fixing” problem. I could go into more details, but the crux of this issue is this – if we don’t make it as a couple, I face the very real possibility of being “back on the market,” so to speak, at 31 or 32. The thing is, I really want children – like, so much so that I have vivid dreams of myself hanging out with my future toddler on a weekly basis – and realistically, if I’m single at 31 or 32, that baby is never going to exist. (History of early menopause in my family, and my doctor says that post 34/35, I’m likely to experience “significant difficulties,” if I can even get pregnant at all.)

    After spending time with a friend this weekend who this exact thing happened to – married mid-20s, divorced at 30, remarried at 32, now unable to get pregnant and kind of dying inside about it at 35 – I find myself panicking, and I’m starting to wonder if I should consider freezing my eggs now, at 29, so that I don’t end up 38 and alone and plotting to murder my husband for robbing me of my child-bearing years. Anyone have any experience with egg freezing? It seems like a ridiculous thing to put yourself through electively, not only because of the enormous (for me, anyway) cost but also because it seems like a fairly intrusive medical experience, but at the same time, it seems like it could be worth it if it protects me from ending up childless and desperately sad about it in the future. (Considering I have tears in my eyes right now while writing this question, just contemplating never having a kid, it’s extremely likely that I, personally, will be extremely distressed to live a childless life – not intending anything I’ve said here as knock against the childfree.) Thoughts?

    • Anne Shirley

      Realistically, if you are single at 31, you have 3 years (by your most conservative timeline) to find someone, get married, and have a baby. Also , you are 29 now. Why are you assuming you couldn’t be single until 31 or 32?

      I don’t have an opinion about egg freezing, but I think you should be making that decision based on reality, not a panicked inaccurate timeline.

      And I read a lot about your husband getting to decide about whether he wants to make your marriage work, but very little about whether you want to wait around for him.

      • Anon

        I will also add this (as someone who is 34 and in a committed, long-term relationship where we aren’t quite ready for children yet) – there are no guarantees. I could get pregnant easily at 38, or it could have turned out that I’ve been infertile all this time without knowing it. You just never know, and stressing about the unknown/unknowable/unchangeable isn’t productive.

        • yup

          That’s true, of course, but statistics are statistics. It is more likely that you won’t easily get pregnant at 38.

          • Anon

            Oh I agree – definitely understand that. Provided that I am otherwise a fertile myrtle, getting pregnant at 24 is easier than getting pregnant at 38, statistically. Absolutely. My point was just that since I have no way of knowing that I would have been able to get pregnant at 24 anyway, I try and remind myself that nothing in life is guaranteed.

          • Marise

            Statistics also show that women can and do have children in their forties (I had my youngest when I was 41 without the aid of fertility treatment).

      • Freezing Freakout

        To be clear, I want to be married to my husband – or, at least, prior to this sudden crisis, I did. I’m still sorting that part out.

    • RR

      I have no experience with egg freezing, but I do have experience with IVF, which is essentially the same process but with added creation of embryos. It’s not that bad. It’s not fun. It involves some hormones and roughly 20 injections you give yourself in the stomach. But, if it gives you some peace of mind, it’s definitely something to consider. I’d talk to your doctor and get detailed explanation of the process/cost/etc.

    • AIMS

      I am so sorry you’re going through this. It’s not an easy situation to deal with on it’s own, and then to add in your concerns about your fertility – well, that’s just very rough.

      There was a post here a while back specifically on egg freezing, if that’s something you want more info about. The gist of it was that it is expensive, you have to undergo a lot of hormones and it’s not exactly an easy process.

      That said, without trying to take away from how you feel right now, not having a baby by 35 does not mean you are destined to live a childless life. There are countless babies all over the world who desperately need a good home out there. If you want to be a mother, your eggs are not an insurmountable obstacle by any means. I know people are very attached to having their “own” children and I know this is a very emotional topic so I am not trying to downplay your concern by saying “who cares, just adopt,” but there are other options out there. I just wanted to post that because I think sometimes it’s easy to overlook that in the fog of all the emotions.

      • anon

        There was comment on here yesterday about how adoption is such a long-shot, expensive and often an insurmountable hurdle even for couples. With that and early menopause, I say freezing eggs is good insurance.

        • Solo

          I know these are frought topics, but I do want to point out that there are many avenues to adoption. In my state, adoption through the foster care system is free. There are obviously hurdles and requirements, but it is not cost-prohibitive. A colleague of mine just adopted a two year old child. It’s something I plan on doing one day, as I have always pictured myself with a toddler and older, and not an infant.

          • AIMS

            Thanks for posting this. Sometimes reading the comments here you’d think no one but Sandra Bullock and other famous rich people are able to adopt. Adoption has many hurdles, but they are navigable, and freezing your eggs has it’s own hurdles too, so I don’t know why one difficult route would get serious consideration and another wouldn’t, especially when you consider how many needy children there are in this world.

            And while it’s perfectly reasonable to want your own biological child and obviously people are willing to jump through great hoops to ensure that, nothing the OP said implied that she considered adoption or only wanted her own biological child. Instead she lamented being child free forever if she doesn’t act fast. Maybe I am reading into her post, but I just thought maybe it’d be worth throwing the adoption option into the mix since it seemed like maybe in the stress of the situation it was not being considered. I’m not in the OP’s position, but I know that when I sometimes worry about not being able to conceive if I wait too long to start trying it brings me comfort to know that not being able to conceive doesn’t mean I have to forego being a parent.

          • IP Attorney

            I’m in the middle of an international adoption myself at this very moment (in the waiting for a referral stage) and – although I am obviously very, very pro-adoption – it’s definitely something to think about sooner rather than later as well, which is what I wish someone had told be at the beginning of the process. Wait times for young (under 3 years old) and relatively healthy kids are increasing dramatically (think years), and so don’t view adoption as something that can quickly be done at the last minute. In addition, for domestic adoptions, birth parents frequently prefer younger couples. My husband and I are young and started the adoption process quite early on, but even we’re frustrated by how long it will be until we bring a child home.

    • Silver

      I’m sorry. This sounds really overwhelming.. perhaps in part because you’re shouldering some things that maybe need to be decoupled, ie the husband, the marriage, the friend with an arguably similar situation and the desire to have kids. I think you have to let yourself deal with the husband and the marriage in and of themselves without the added factor of the worst case scenario of having kids later on or not having kids. Once you have a clearer mind about your current situation, you can process the kids part but I think you’re putting too much on yourself right now.

    • Differing opinions

      I disagree slightly with the above – you have two known issues today (1. fertility will likely be a challenge based on family history and doctor’s stated opinion, and 2. long-term status of husband is unknown), so I would start taking pro-active steps to protect your fertility now. My concern for you is that you’ll conflate your desire to stay with your husband with the desire to have children. Do what you can to preserve your embryos so that a timeline to having children isn’t hanging over your head as you contemplate YOUR desire for the marriage – then I would immediately get yourself into solo counseling to help sort out issues you are facing with your husband versus the fears of not having children.

      • CapHillAnon

        If it were me, I’d freeze some eggs–but I have absolutely no personal experience with egg freezing. I’d think of it as insurance. Probably expensive, probably a nuisance / uncomfortable, and if all goes well you won’t need it, but given the details you mentioned here, I’d do it. Good luck with all your decisions–this sounds like a tough time all around.

      • Freezing Freakout

        In therapy already, yes. And I think you’re explaining me better than I was explaining me – I am contemplating egg freezing as a way to give myself more time to figure out what to do with my marriage. Right now, I feel heavily pressured to leave the marriage immediately, even though I *really* don’t want to, because it feels like my only shot at preserving my fertility/chance to have children. I’m not ready to give up on my marriage, but right now it feels like working on my marriage = giving up on children.

        • Anne Shirley

          That was my point. You aren’t faced with that dilemma. You could spend a year now thinking about your marriage and still have time for kids. You certainly have 6 months.

          • Lyssa

            I think that that’s a good point. Maybe do some research, start saving, and plan that you will start freezing this time next year. That shouldn’t make a difference as far as ability to freeze, but planning that this is something that you will do (rather than just thinking about it, but, of course, you can always change your mind) should help put it out of your head enough to focus on more immediate problems.

            I’m really sorry that you’re going through this.

          • Freezing Freakout

            It feels like it’s not just “time to have kids,” though – it’s really “time to recover from a divorce, and rebuild my life, and get therapy to make sure I don’t repeat previous mistakes, and then date, and maybe meet somebody, and develop a relationship with that somebody, and take my time getting to know him, and then maybe marry him, and then, eventually, after we know each other really well and have had time to build a strong foundation and make sure that we really, really want to be bound for life by a kid, then have a kid.”

            You’re being really flip about something that, frankly, seems to me to take a really long time. My husband and I have been together for six years, and I apparently didn’t know him at all. If I’m taking a year now to work on my marriage, that makes me 30 or 31 before we even start divorcing (if we do), and 31 or 32 before I’m (a) legally divorced; and (b) emotionally ready to date. Unless I hit the jackpot and meet next-husband immediately, my odds for naturally conceiving a kid with husband #2 are pretty effing terrible. I spent 3 years in grad school – I’m not spending less time getting to know the father of my future children than I would to get a degree.

          • cbackson

            And that is not crazy. Recovery from divorce – true recover – can take a long time. I’m 33 and single and not particularly worried about this, because I come from a long line of women who had children later in life (my mom was almost 36 when she had me, and my grandmother was 42 when my mom was born). But your situation is somewhat different given you have a known fertility issue. I agree with others that maybe having a plan and timeline for yourself will help you feel more in control.

            My suggestion would be to set a date (mentally, no need for ultimatums) by which you need to have a decision about continuing your marriage or ending it. And then allow yourself to fully have that time to focus on the marriage issue until that date comes. Knowing that your decision is, “if I’m not comfortable in the marriage by X, this has to end,” while scary and heartbreaking, can also take some pressure off because you’ve already created an end date to this piece of the situation for you.

            Also, FYI, divorces don’t have to take a year, when you don’t have kids or complicated financial issues. Mine was three months.

          • Anne Shirley

            I’m absolutely not being flip. Plenty of people meet, marry, and have kids in less than 3 years. It’s a completely reasonable life choice that is open to you.

          • Differing opinions

            Co-sign Cbackson. I agree that “plenty of people” do in fact meet, marry and procreate in that period of time, but actually going through a separation/divorce and healing mentally therefrom may add significant time and varies widely among individuals.

            Taking steps that will preserve/pursue biological procreation will take pressure off that timeline, and help her feel like she is in control of her situation – not dependent on external factors.

          • anon

            Also cosign cbackston – 3 years is incredibly quick to recover and often for only the very lucky or the ones willing to compromise. After a divorce, you’re a lot less likely to want to compromise and lot more likely to want to proceed with caution. Not to mention the grieving time and the healing time. I think OP is dead-on in her timeline analysis & may be even a few years too short. It’s very easy to end up 40+ and still looking. While there’s nothing wrong with that on it’s own, it does present fertility issues. Also disagree with the people saying adoption is another alternative/the same thing. It isn’t. It’s a viable solution for a lot of people who want to be parents, but adopting isn’t for everyone and it comes with its own sets of major issues and I don’t think OP should be judged for wanting her own children if she can have them.

        • Differing opinions

          Egg freezing seems to make a lot of sense then. As some other posters have pointed out, even if you stay in your current marriage, it may be beneficial. If you choose to leave, then you’ll have made significant strides towards having a child down the road.

          Also, it may help you feel like you’ve taken back some of the control in your situation. It must make you feel powerless to feel like your husband controls the stability of your relationship, and what you view as its extension, your ability to have children. Freezing your eggs will likely help make you realize that he doesn’t exclusively control either situation. As to waiting another six months, if you aren’t able to mentally separate staying in your marriage/”easier” route to children, then I would just start the information gathering process now. For me, personally, that extra six month time frame would just make me more anxious.

        • L2fly

          There is one other future alternative that is out there that I haven’t seen anyone mention, and I know it isn’t ideal but the thought could take the pressure off a little bit… you could always have kids later without a husband. I briefly considered single parenthood via sperm donation, as well as adoption, after my husband passed away when I was 32, and I didn’t really date anyone seriously for years and realized my fertility was ticking away. Yes, it would be HARD to be a single parent… but if you are so certain parenthood is for you, if you near the end of your timeline the donation banks will always be there, and considering so many marriages don’t end up being the happycouplepicketfence2.5kids&dognamedSpot dream anyway, its not out of the question for many people. Ultimately I realized I wasn’t so into the idea of parenthood that either of those were good options for me. I then met my current husband at 38, and I’m very happy with my child-free life right now. But if I had had a young child, I think he would have been ok with it, so being a single parent doesn’t mean you’ll never get married and have that dream, either. Anyway, hope this thought might take the edge off, so you can deal with what is right in front of you without worrying so much about ‘what ifs’.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            I’m so sorry to read that your husband passed away when you were 32.

        • Batgirl

          @Anne Shirley–I completely agree. My fiance and I are already planning on trying very soon and we have only been together two years and two months (met at 33). I can’t imagine anyone I would rather do this with and I’ve had longer relationships where I couldn’t have said the same. That doesn’t mean it couldn’t take longer, but I don’t think it’s a crazy point.

          @OP–I totally get where you’re coming from. I had similar freak outs about my own fertility. It’s a huge fear and it’s a really serious and sometimes sad situation. I think freezing your eggs (or making a plan to do that) makes a lot of sense because it gives you options and, hopefully, the headspace to think clearly about what you really want to do. But if it doesn’t work out with your husband, you may find yourself pleasantly surprised by what comes next. I don’t think anyone is saying it’s a guarantee, but it’s certainly a possibility. Still, you bring an umbrella when it says there’s a 30% chance of rain, right? Even though there’s a 70% of no rain? I think freezing your eggs is like bringing your umbrella (albeit a more costly, more emotional experience, obviously, but you get my drift).

          • Freezing Freakout

            The rain analogy made me laugh a little – I’m the type of person who carries a mini-umbrella in my work bag every single day, because “you never know,” so your analogy has proven quite apt.

        • anon

          IN case you’re still reading, another vote for freezing your eggs now. I have quite a few friends who’ve done this & for each of them, it was a tremendous mental relief. That plus the insurance you get by taking charge of your own fertility and timeline is well worth it, I think. Other posters have also pointed out the process isn’t that bad – my observation is it’s just a couple of months of discomfort. Not too terrible considering the upside. Sorry you’re dealing with this.

      • Diana Barry

        Yes!!! If you have the funds, I would go ahead with the egg freezing now, particularly with the history of early menopause. And ditto to solo counseling now.

    • L

      Sorry, but there’s also another obvious solution here – adoption. If having a child is that important to you, you should also explore what would be necessary.

      • tesyaa

        A lot of comments on previous threads spoke frankly about how difficult adoption is. I don’t think the OP can count on adoption to become a parent. I’m not sure if donor eggs are still a realistic option, but if so, that might be a path to explore down the road.

        • Close-to-home

          Adoption of an infant or toddler can be a really difficult process. But there are thousands of kids 10-17 who are legally free for adoption and just waiting for a family. http://adoptuskids.org/meet-the-children/search In many cases the government will even cover the bulk of the adoption costs because these kids have such a hard time finding adoptive parents as it is. There are lots of challenges that come with adopting an older child, to be sure, and none of this is directed at OP, I just wish so many people wouldn’t be so quick to write off adoption just because adoption-of-a-physically-healthy-infant is not always realistic, when there are lots of children out there hoping to be adopted.

          • Baconpancakes

            Yes, but she did specifically mention dreaming about playing with her toddler. People who adopt older children have a VERY different parenting experience than those who raise their own from birth or raise children from a very young age.

          • posey

            You can’t tell someone who wants to have a baby that adopting a 10 year old is an easy and reasonable alternative. They’re not even remotely the same thing. For some people the adoption of an older child might be a perfect situation or a workable solution to infertility, but it is not at all helpful for the woman who fantasizes about playing with her toddler.

          • Close-to-home

            As tesyaa pointed out, I in no way meant this as a advice on OP’s heartbreaking situation – perhaps I should have done more to make that clear. It was intended as a comment about how conversations about adoption on this website go generally. Adoption of an older child doesn’t sound as though it would be a good fit for the OP, but I raised it because I don’t think it’s discussed enough (or at all, on this site, at least in the past dozen or so conversations about adoption) and might be helpful to other members of the community to be reminded that there *are* older kids out there who need homes, even if it’s a long and expensive process to adopt an infant.

          • Anonymous

            If it’s not directed at the OP it doesn’t belong in this thread. If you just want to give a general heads up, comment separately. Infertility is hard enough without helpful people telling you how to adopt a 10 year old.

          • Batgirl

            I think it’s totally relevant–and I think that no one person really gets to decide what’s relevant and what’s not on an internet comment board. As someone going through something very similar, I can tell you that while I don’t think it’s quite the same to adopt a 10 year old as it is to try for a biological child, it is relevant to remember that there are many ways to make a family. Sometimes that gets lost in the conversation when you’re focused on your biological clock and fulfilling the image of a family you thought you might have. It may not be comforting and it may not be your ultimate choice, but it’s relevant to me.

      • Anon

        Definitely not an obvious solution. Adoption is a challenging process and even more difficult for single parents.

      • Anne Shirley

        Adoption is not a treatment for infertility. It’s not an obvious solution. Adopting should be about wanting to adopt, not solving some other issue in your life.

        • AIMS

          This is true. However, the OP also specifically said that she feared that if she didn’t have a baby before early menopause set in, she would be “live a childless life.” I think it’s perfectly reasonable to point out that not having your own biological child does not have to equal a “childless life.”

          Also while I am aware that adoption is not an easy process, it’s also far from an impossible one. I have family members who were adopted and who have themselves done so, and know plenty of others too.

          • cbackson

            I think that the important point is that parenting through adoption is a different choice than parenting biologically. Not a worse one, just a different one. You don’t love your kids less (or differently), and much of parenting is just parenting, regardless of how the child came into your life, but there is a set of joys, challenges, and experiences that come with adopting a child that is different than the joys, challenges, and experiences that come with biological parenting. I think that every woman who has expressed fear about her ability to conceive children has probably been told that she can “just adopt” if it doesn’t work out (my ex-husband told me that during our single marriage counseling session, when I expressed a concern somewhat similar to the OP’s), it’s important to recognize that certain aspects of the experience are different, and that it’s okay to vocalize that the inability to conceive biological children can feel like a profound loss (even if one goes on to have a wonderful family through adoption).

      • L

        Well obviously most people won’t see this now, but I in no way am minimizing infertility issues. Just another option. If the thought of being childless is truly heartbreaking, you should explore all avenues to becoming a parent.

        No wonder it’s so dead around here lately. Yeesh.

    • Moon Moon

      This is something I have thought about before — and honestly, if you consider egg freezing, it may be helpful even if your marriage does not end. Say, if you and your husband start to work out issues, and he takes a longer timetable, and you don’t want to rock the boat while he is in treatment, freezing your eggs may be a good idea even within your marriage. Just something to think about. I don’t think you should tie the decision just to the issues you are having with your husband — that puts too much pressure on something that should be dealt with on its own.

      • Flying Squirrel

        This. I rarely would say just undergo expensive treatments, but in your situation the case for egg freezing is very strong: 1) you *know* you want kids but your circumstances are uncertain and 2) you have a strong history of early menopause. You are right to think about htis now, at 29 than at 31 since your egg quality and ovarian reserve will be higher.

        For the process itself, been through too many rounds of IVF, so I’m pretty familiar with the egg-harvesting aspects. I didn’t find it to be terrible, though, I’m less squeamish about needles than some/most. I would definitely, at the very least, you should explore what this entails/costs…but you are thinking in a very smart way if you aks me (preserve fertility rather than stay in marriage for sake of having a baby only).

      • AnonLawMom

        +1 – If it were me, I’d do what I had to do (and could reasonably afford both financially and emotionally) to decouple the marriage issues from the parenting issues so you can make the best decision in both areas for you going forward. I am sorry you are going through this.

    • Calico

      I have a few thoughts. First, take a look at this Atlantic article about the much discussed pregnancy statistics. It really opened my eyes about the odds of becoming pregnant in one’s late 30s. (Much better than I had thought!)
      http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2013/07/how-long-can-you-wait-to-have-a-baby/309374/

      You have a different situation with your known family history, but it might help you or someone else reading.

      Second, a lesser known fact about egg freezing is that many doctors recommend that you freeze an embryo, not just your own eggs. Apparently an embryo is more viable for later implantation. If you go through the very difficult process, you may also be asked to choose a sperm donor, something my friend really wasn’t ready to do. She still froze her eggs, but was disappointed to learn that it’s not as easy as she had hoped.

      And finally, if you and your husband don’t work out, it may not be as bad out there as you think. I don’t know what region of the country you are in, but I live in a major US city. Most of my friends delayed marriage until their late 20s and early 30s. For those of us still single in our 30s, I’m hear to tell you that it really does happen much more quickly. My husband and I started talking about marriage only six months after we met. Not because we were crazy, but because it was so easy for us to talk about the big issues and what we wanted from life. If you do start dating again down the road I think you’ll find a lot more directness and less games from people. YMMV. Good luck!

    • CHJ

      FWIW, I was married at 26 and divorced at 30 despite a serious, known fertility issue. It was awful and scary and overwhelming. But then I met my current husband a year later, we were married at 33, and I had a baby at age 35. The divorce was one of the hardest things I ever faced. But now, looking at my husband and our baby, I’m overwhelmed with happiness and am so glad things worked out the way they did.

      Good luck and keep us posted — I definitely want to hear how things work out for you!

    • January

      I recommended this book yesterday, but I think it might be helpful for you, too — it’s called “Motherhood, Rescheduled.” It’s about women who froze their eggs, all in their late thirties, often while struggling with some relationship issues at the same time. It may give you some perspective on whether egg freezing is something you would actually want to pursue.

    • Anon for this

      I’m posting anon for this because I generally do not think it is good advice but want to offer another perspective based on someone I know in real life. Her marriage hit a major hurdle that could have led to divorce. They weren’t sure which they wanted to turn. They both, however, really wanted a kid. With the help of a therapist they decided to make a baby with eyes open knowing it would not save their marriage and that they were just making an agreement to co-parent should the marriage still not work out. Ultimately their marriage did work out and they have 2 kids now. Her take at the time was if two people really want a baby, they can make a baby and be responsible parents even if they aren’t going to be married to each other. You have to evaluate your relationship though to see if this is something you would be comfortable doing. I would only do it if you would be okay as a 100% single parent if he didn’t follow through as a co-parent.

      • tesyaa

        Your example only looks at 2 scenarios (1) the couple stays together (2) the couple divorce and the husband exits the child’s life. You don’t mention scenario (3), the couple divorce and the husband wants an equal part of childrearing. Can the poster live with being tied to her ex-husband forever as they raise their child? Sharing decisions about custody, parenting, schooling, vacations… many divorced couples go through this, but they did not go into it while already contemplating divorce.

        • af

          Her comment directly considers that scenario: “they decided to make a baby with eyes open knowing it would not save their marriage and that they were just making an agreement to co-parent should the marriage not work out.” In fact, that’s the main scenario she is presenting. Option 2 is just in case he backs out on that plan.

          • tesyaa

            Sorry, I missed that. In any event, Scenario 3 is a tricky one to navigate. Talk to any number of stressed out, heartbroken divorced parents. If custody and other agreements can be drawn up ahead of time, I guess that would help a lot, although I doubt they’d be enforceable.

        • Lyssa

          Right. I’d add a reminder that should scenario (3) arise (which is probably the most likely one; most men do want to be part of their children’s lives), she will not only be sharing parenting with an ex, but sharing it with an ex who may not be entirely mentally healthy (based on the current issue, which of course, may or may not resolve). Not a boat that I would want to jump into, and, far more importantly, not one that it’s fair or ethical to bring a child into.

    • Anonymous

      I would talk to a fertility expert about the number of live births that have resulted from frozen eggs/IVF. The number is very VERY low (like I actually think it’s in the low thousands). IVF is difficult enough as it is, and adding frozen eggs makes things more difficult. IF you get divorced and IF you are single, why not try having a baby on your own at 31 or 32 if it is feasible?

          • Anonymous

            +1. As far as I know freezing embryos and then implanting in the biological mother or surrogate mother is mildly successful, but many women who freeze their eggs either 1) do not thaw them or use them as they near 40 without a partner (or 45, as many women who freeze their eggs are already in their mid-late 30s) or 2) the frozen egg will not take to a sperm thus resulting in an embryo and IVF. Like I said, I would talk to a fertility specialist in person about the statistics.

      • Batgirl

        It’s lower than for frozen embryos (which in turn, I would imagine, is lower than for fresh embryo transfers) but I don’t think it’s really accurate to say it’s “very VERY low.” My reproductive endocrinologist said that each one has about an 8% chance of becoming a pregnancy. That’s after you consider that some won’t be good quality, others won’t fertilize, others won’t make it past day 5 for freezing, others won’t survive the thaw, others won’t implant, and others will miscarry. But if you manage to get 20 eggs, those chances are overall pretty good. I suppose an 8% chance could be considered “very VERY low,” but it’s better chance than not freezing them at all.

        To answer the OP, I would really encourage you to look into freezing some more. At the very least, it could give you the headspace you need to take the time to deal with your marital issues–or the courage to leave if it’s not working. It could help you take time finding a new partner and not rush into something ill-advised.

        I am in the middle of the process right now but have been consulting with a doctor for about a year so I feel like a bit of an inadvertent “expert” of sorts (I’m kidding on the expert part!). If I were you, the first thing I would do is get hormone testing done to see where things are currently–you want to know your FSH levels (day 2 of your cycle) and AMH levels are like. That will give you some sense as to how worried you should be. As someone with a history of early menopause (which I didn’t know until I was 35), I really wish I had done this at your age. From there, you will know a LOT more about what your options are. You may even find that some of it is covered by your insurance–if they cover IVF, they may cover portions of this procedure since the billing codes are often the same up until freezing. That may be rare, but you never know. Either way, call for an appt asap because it can take a few months to get in to see someone.

        Good luck–I don’t think you should think of egg freezing as an insurance policy or as emergency measures. You’d just be doing what makes sense for you and your goals. It’s not fun but the injections really not as unpleasant as I thought it would be. Good luck!

        • Flying Squirrel

          Just FYI, at this point there is almost no difference in success rates from frozen embryo transfers vs fresh. I don’t know the stats for frozen eggs, but 8% sounds pretty good if you consider that a couple TTC without known fertility issues has about a 10% chance of conceiving for each of the woman’s cycles. That implies that your chances per egg of getting pregnant the old-fashioned way is only slightly higher. Then again, TCOYF suggests that if you are careful about timing you should get pregnant in 4 months (rather than a year), which means more like a 25% chance….nonetheless, 8% isn’t really that bad.

          • Batgirl

            I should say that I may be misremembering that figure but I think that’s right. Now, a frozen embryo has a 33%, which is much higher, but it’s also already been through more stages of the process than a frozen egg has been (by making it to the embryo stage). They’re sturdier for freezing purposes.

    • Yep

      I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I think you’re being very smart and proactive about thinking to freeze your eggs. There was a post a few years ago written by a woman who did just this, so check the archives. If I were in your position (early risk of menopause and chances of separation), I would do it – notwithstanding the expense, nuisance, etc. As others have mentioned, it’s simply insurance in case things don’t work out with your H or another partner down the road.

      With that said, I would not rush and do this next week. Do a lot of research and figure out if it is what you truly want. I don’t think waiting a few months or 6 months or even 1 year will hurt you.

      And while adoption is a very valid choice for many, there is something really wonderful about going through pregnancy and carrying a child. There is nothing wrong with someone wanting to have a biological child.

      • Batgirl

        Yes, you can wait to do it–but to be honest, I wish I hadn’t waited as long as I did. At the very least, just go get the bloodwork done (your obgyn or gp can order it) and see where you’re hormone levels are. I wish I’d known how easy that part was!

  8. Anonymous

    Do you always include your transcripts when applying to positions online? If not, when did you stop including them? I recently applied for a position and my transcript files were too large, so I omitted them, but now I’m wondering if I should go back, somehow condense them, and add them in? I’ve been out of school for 3-4 years if that matters.

    • Moon Moon

      I only include them if requested in the job application. If they are not explicitly requested, I have them ready in case they are requested later on. Some jobs need official, some unofficial, so I would write to your alma mater(s) and get 5-1o official sealed transcripts if you are on the job hunt to include.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I agree with Moon Moon and only include them if specifically requested. I keep a few copies of official ones but haven’t had anyone request them. The digital copies are just PDFs that I would include only if it was a specific requirement for the job application.

    • Calico

      I think they will. I’ve always had very good customer service from that brand.

    • Anonymous

      I find this appalling. There’s nothing actually wrong with the shoes except they don’t work for your feet. And you only discovered that after wearing them? You should feel terrible returning them. You’re basically stealing. If a brand makes a point of taking returns anytime for any reason go for it, but Madewell only accepts returns of unworn, unwashed, undamaged or defective merchandise. Yours doesn’t fit those categories.

      • Madewell returns question

        How can you possibly equate this with stealing? I am considering returning shoes that destroyed my feet. They should know that their shoes are not comfortable or wearable.

        What would you recommend instead? If I just went to the store and showed them the problem and didn’t try to return the shoes, would that be a better course of action?

        • Anonymous

          I would recommend sucking it up and being more careful the next time you buy shoes. These look like they would cut my feet to ribbons, so I wouldn’t buy them.

          • Madewell returns question

            Well, I certainly will do that next time! I was asking for help with this particular situation. I’ve never had a problem with shoes like this before in my life; it’s not like I’m doing this every week with new shoes.

          • SAlit-a-gator

            You know what I find appalling? Trolling sites and posting rude comments while hiding behind an “Anonymous” screen name.

            It’s not the OP burden to guess correctly whether or not the shoes will be comfortable. They made a bad product and they should stand by it. Plenty of retailers do this even for shoes….see Nordstrom. Nothing wrong with the OP to ask the retailer to stand by its product. So stop with the negativity.

          • Wildkitten

            +100. If you’re going to troll, at least pick a handle. May I suggest “Troll.”

        • Madewell returns question

          Thanks, SAlit-a-gator. I was starting to wonder if I was crazy for considering this, and that commenter made me feel like a devious criminal!

          • If it don't fit, you must return it

            I agree. An expensive brand like Madewell should not sell shoes that kill your feet and should know that a pair of them did do that. I’m sure they stand behind their brand and will accept the return at least for brand credit or exchange. I didn’t get from your post that you normally would return worn shoes just by the way in which you asked the question or even that you asked it at all. And trolls will be trolls.

      • tesyaa

        Many retailers do take returns of worn items (even when their policy states otherwise) in order to make a good faith effort to serve their customers. There is no reason the OP should feel bad for requesting this return.

      • I'm an associate

        Appalling? More like “appropriate.” I have worked at several popular retail stores, and our #1 concern was customer satisfaction. If you wore an item, washed it (tags say machine washable) and it falls apart, that is probably the company’s fault. Likewise, shoes are meant to be worn. If they are too uncomfortable for that, then it’s the company’s duty to rectify to the extent possible. And we aren’t talking about a pair of crazy heels here. These are sandals. Just think, if people couldn’t return things that didn’t work, companies could pretty much sell whatever and consumers would have zero recourse. If the company accepts the return even if its against the general policy, I cannot see in any way how this is considered stealing.

      • ANON

        If it makes you feel better I’ve taken numerous pairs of heels back to Nordstrom because they were unwearable. When I tried them on maybe my feet were swollen, etc. I never feel bad returning things. I think many retailers receive credits from the manufacturer for a certain number of returns each year. Retail stores expect returns.

        • formerretail

          Actually, retailers rarely get vendor credits for returns unless the style had a manufacturer defect. Nonetheless, taking stuff like those shoes back is just good for a retailer’s reputation.

    • LilyB

      from a reviewer of the shoes on the website:
      “these shoes are super cute for everyday wear, but i started wearing them yesterday and was only able to stay in them for 2 hours. the backing tore up my skin and it hurts! thankfully, madewell normally doesn’t take back worn items but they did a courtesy return on these.”

    • Hollis

      This happens to me often – shoes that seem to fit just fine at the store start digging in within a couple of hours and cause all kinds of pain later on. I normally donate these to a thrift store or, if they are pricey, sell them to someone else on eBay for a discount.

      • Anonymous

        Right? I’m stunned people are calling me a troll. I never return shoes that hurt my feet after I’ve worn them unless they are defective. As for the argument above that shoes are mean to be wearable without pain, well that’s just nonsense. Of course they aren’t. Like I said, unless the store bases it’s reputation on “we sell comfy shoes and guarantee them” I think returning worn goods is beyond the pale.

        • A scented Kindle

          You’re being called a troll because you told another poster she “was essentially stealing” and “should feel terrible” for returning shoes that hurt her feet that she wore once. Jesus, “beyond the pale?” Don’t you think that’s a little hyperbolic? What on earth is morally wrong about trying to return them? If the store accepts them, great. If not, she won’t get a refund. No moral calculus involved! For all you know, the store will sell the shoes again at a mark down, or get a vendor credit. Things that are “beyond the pale” include but are not limited to child abuse, genocide, domestic violence, etc. etc. Not returning overpriced shoes.

          Get a grip on yourself.

        • A scented Kindle

          “As for the argument above that shoes are mean to be wearable without pain, well that’s just nonsense. Of course they aren’t. ”

          Also calling B.S. on this. Are you a podiatrist trying to drum up business? No one should feel resigned to being in physical pain because of their clothing.

    • Mpls

      I guess you can try and throw yourself on their mercy? It sounds like them might receptive in this case, But generally, no, I wouldn’t try to return shoes that had been worn outside (scuffed soles), though I wouldn’t be so hyperbolic as to call it “beyond the pale”. I usually expect new shoes to be kind of awful the first few times I wear them, and hence, wear them around the house before I figure out if I’m keeping them.

      Is it a case where the shoes needed to be broken in before wearing them too much? Maybe they were awful the first time, but might be better one of the next times?

  10. Poochy

    So in the last couple of months, I’ve started doing CorePower classes 3-4 times per week. I really have noticed my arms and legs getting more toned, but my stomach! I feel like I have a bigger gut than ever before. I’m sure it’s my diet, and I’m trying to watch what I eat more. Any other tips for dealing with this pooch on my belly?

    • Anonymous

      Spanx. You really can’t spot reduce. If your current routine isn’t toning the way you’d like id switch it up, but the only ways to get rid of a pooch are losing weight, tummy tuck, or spanx.

      Or, rename your pooch. Call it your belly and consider it a cute part of you.

    • Orangerie

      There is a saying: abs are made in the kitchen. Drink lots of water, eat lean protein and avoid processed foods.

      I would also try changing up your fitness routine slightly to see if other methods work better for your abs. Maybe rock climbing or a barre studio?

    • Anonymous

      You may already be paying attention to this, but I’ll say it just in case…make sure you are pulling your abs in when doing core work. Things like planks and curls are so difficult when getting started that it’s easy to let your stomach push out rather than pulling your belly button toward the back of your ribs, and over time that results in building muscle out rather than pulling in.

      And yes, diet is a big part of it too–I’ve been doing core-heavy classes for years and I could see the tone underneath but it wasn’t until I reduced my dairy and bread intake in the last few weeks that I started to lose the layer of pooch over it. And when I go nuts at the Italian restaurant with a heavy cheesy pasta dish, it pooches right back out for a few days.

      Congrats on the awesome arms and legs! Your abs will get there too :)

    • Baconpancakes

      I am the last person to advocate gluten-free anything, but I did see a serious de-puffing of my stomach when I was on 2 week diet that cut out pretty much all processed flour. The fat didn’t go away, other than the couple of pounds I lost all over on the diet, but I felt a lot lighter and my stomach was definitely less noticeable. Since then, I’ve added back in flours and some sugars in a normal but lighter than previous capacity, but every time I have a big wheaty meal, I notice I feel bloated the day after.

      • Refined flour = bloat

        +1 to this. I’ve been cutting back refined carbs for the past few weeks and have felt much better and lost a few pounds. Then one morning I didn’t say no to the bagel breakfast offered to us at work and felt awfully bloated the rest of the day.

    • BankrAtty

      It’s possible that your stomach is sticking out more than before because you’ve developed the muscles in your core but haven’t lost the fat in that area. If you look at the superfit women in exercise videos, often the bottom of their stomach sticks out a bit (versus the concave look of VS models). So congratulations on getting stronger! If you want a more toned looking core, you will need to reduce your body fat. Try adding some intense cardio to your routine–TurboFire is a great program, or you can do sprints on the treadmill. Intense cardio means less time doing cardio, which is a plus in my book! And it’s true: abs are made in the kitchen, not the gym.

      • Anon

        This. I couldn’t figure out how to put it but BankrAtty nailed it. I have a fairly thin stomach but whenever I focus on ab work it tends to get a little larger due to adding a level of muscle under the fat that was currently there.

    • LT IT

      I always had a bit of a belly even when I was exercising regularly so I just kind of lived w it. What really helped for me was biking and spinning. Once I started doing those things, I was surprised to see how much flatter my stomach got.

    • Marilla

      This is so good and such an important reminder for me:

      “Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.

      The wife now has a choice. She can respond by either “turning toward” or “turning away” from her husband, as Gottman puts it. Though the bird-bid might seem minor and silly, it can actually reveal a lot about the health of the relationship. The husband thought the bird was important enough to bring it up in conversation and the question is whether his wife recognizes and respects that.”

      I find it hard sometimes to be open/interested in things my husband brings up or wants to show me or talk about.. my default can sometimes be I’m busy, I’m tired, I have too many things on my mind, I really don’t have the energy to watch a Youtube clip right now. But it is true that it’s such a small thing that does seem to make a difference. Thank you for posting this :)

    • ANON

      This is a great article! I’m naturally more inclined to see the negative in my husband but I’m trying to be better at seeing the positive.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Thanks for posting that. I find Gottman’s research really interesting. I especially liked the part about kindness being a muscle. That is something I need to remember and work on the “turning toward” response. I think my natural reaction is to do it often, but I don’t think I’m up there at the level of masters she talks about in the article.

      The other great part was about giving your partner the benefit of the doubt. That is something that has come up here a few times recently, especially with the poster who thought her boyfriend might have forgotten her birthday. Very interesting article.

    • Anon for This

      I thought this article was amazing! It’s so interesting to me that people often treat their spouses with less kindness/politeness than they would treat strangers. It’s such a great gut check before saying something or reacting a certain way- would I respond this way to a stranger or am I indulging in bad behavior with my spouse because I think I can and this is usually a safe way of taking out frustration?

    • BankrAtty

      I just read Gottman’s book, “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail” and parts of it blew. my. mind. Read it, even if you’re marriage isn’t troubled.

    • Married 10 years so far and now I know why

      Fantastic article! Thank you! It really helps me understand why my occasional distracted reply to my husband’s pointing something out to me seems to hurt his feelings more than I’d expect — and why we’re still in love because most of the time we do support and “turn toward” each other.

  12. AIMS

    OK. This is more of a letter to the editor but all my comments from my work computer, no matter the browser I use, go into moderation. This just started happening this week. I mentioned it yesterday, too. My comment from home last night seemed fine. What gives?

    • DU

      Mine always do. Get reported once by some ladies cause you hate the dress. . . in moderation for the rest of your existance. If I dislike one more peice I’ll probably be banned for life.

      And you all think you’re such a welcoming community. . .

    • Marilla

      Maybe ELLEN works at your office???????

      In all seriousness, I would guess it’s an IP thing if you’re fine from home (presumably just you posting) vs at work (may be other people also posting from the same IP address?).

      • AIMS

        The Ellen possibility did occur to me but my manegeing partner smells heavenly and he is very generous with my clothing allowance so it kannot be the sayme person.

        It probably is something with my address but it’s very annoying to not have a comment show up for an hour or two because of moderation. And it only started happening this week so I can’t figure out what changed.

  13. In House Attorney

    Threadjack: I have worked in tech for years, but have an interview in the healthcare space (hospitals). I know it will be a stretch, but have some indication that my overall experience is appealing, even without healthcare. If anyone practices in that space, what issues would you want me to be aware of, if you were talking to me? Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      Changes to compliance
      Basic understanding of the ACA as it relates to hospitals, funding and your state
      HIPAA
      HIT requirements – could be a good use to parlay your tech experience into healthcare

    • NYNY

      I can see a combo legal/IT background being a big plus if you’re looking at healthcare. New models of payment, such as ACOs (Accountable Care Organizations) are in their infancy now, but look like the wave of the future. The pay for performance model requires a lot of patient data – both clinical and demographic – to be securely exchanged.

  14. Famouscait

    I need ideas for husband-appreciation gifts! The hubs takes his comprehensive exams next week (he’s a PhD student) and I want to meet him outside his building everyday around lunch time with some sort of hooray! thingy. All I’ve come up with so far is 1) balloons 2) ice cream cone (risky – we’re in the South) and 3) lunch. Any other good ideas, ladies?

    • Anon

      Are you in Atlanta? How about fancy doughnuts instead of ice cream? I recommend Sublime, but Revolution is also good.

      • Famouscait

        Ohhh doughnuts is a good one. Not in ATL, but thankfully in the land of Krispy Kreme.

    • Baconpancakes

      You could have those confetti poppers ready to go when he steps out. Or do a “Say Anything” boombox scene with some peppy music. Do you want to make a splash more, or give him something he’d like? If it’s just something he’d like and need, a red bull or other energy drink would be good, or something lighthearted to make him laugh, like a funny comic. Could you borrow someone’s dog for him to play with during lunch? (Assuming he’s a dog person.)

      • Famouscait

        Had to laugh at the “borrow a dog” idea… I’ll take ours! He’s always good for a mid-day cheer-up. I’m looking more for small, enjoyable treats he can enjoy for a few minutes before heading home to study/decompress before the next days’ round of exams. I love the confetti and boombox scene, but it’s more my style than his. He’d be embarrassed, bless his heart.

      • Wildkitten

        If someone had popped a confetti popper at me during lunch breaks of taking the bar I would have murdered them. Voluntary manslaughter, specifically.

        • Anon

          Yes, this is definitely a case of “know your SO”. I would never, ever have dreamed of bringing my SO a mid-day treat when he was taking his PhD exams – taking him out of his zone is NOT appreciated (which I totally understand, b/c I’m the same way). Save the poppers for after I receive a passing score, thanks!

    • Samantha

      If he’s taking his comps, he’s probably sitting for far too long reading in a hunched up position. It might be nice to do a brisk walk around the block with him to get him some air, or a massage. Alternatively, show him a funny youtube video or some memes to just get him out of that mindspace for a few minutes.

  15. Flying Squirrel

    Work-life threadjack:

    So, I’m not quite yet faced with this decision, but I may be soon. I’m not thrilled with my current job (had to leave a job I really loved last year so DH and I could raise Baby Squirrel in the same time zone)…and my role, though not my employment status, has gotten quite a bit more uncertain recently due to organizational changes. That said, with a new baby around (5 months), I do enjoy the fact that it’s pretty low stress and flexible…albeit often boring or annoying. I am currently in the running for an opportunity that would be much more interesting, but also more demanding with a worse commute. It would be a great job, but I’d lose some of the flexibility I have now. If I stay at my current job, there’s a chance things may improve and I’ll also get some growth opportunities, but it’s unclear. The one good thing, though, is that my employer is well-respected and my job function is still in high-demand. So if I wanted to look for a better opportunity a year or two from now, I probably won’t be in a terrible position assuming the frustration/boredom doesn’t kill me before then ;)

    So, I know the standard trade-offs I’m contemplating career-wise, but can any BTDT moms offer their own personal advice/take on my situation? Would you ahve kept your flexible if somewhat mind-numbing job during your baby’s first year? Or would you pursue potentially awesome opportunity knowing that it’ll keep you apart from baby more?

    • roses

      I don’t have kids, but I wanted to point out one thing that you didn’t mention in your analysis: does the new position come with a raise and/or better earning potential? If so, you may be able to outsource other mundane life activities that take time away from you spending with your kiddo, which could balance out the lost time and/or need for flexibility. In addition, I’m guessing that unless your husband is a SAHD, the baby is in daycare – would it be possible to move baby to a daycare closer to your new position so that you can spend time during your commute and be closer in the event that something comes up?

      • Flying Squirrel

        Thanks for your reply. Actually, baby is with nanny at home, and we already outsource a lot of mundane things…it’s just that long work hours just don’t leave a lot of awake baby hours during the week.

        But to your point, one thing I didn’t mention is that while this opportunity would likely entail a small raise, overall, the new employer would be less lucrative (think non-profit vs. for-profit or academic vs industry). We’d still be pretty comfortable financially, so not too concerned about day-to-day finances…but it isn’t a non-issue since there would be a signficiant difference in longer term potential salary.

        • Lorelai Gilmore

          Stay at your job, especially if you plan to have a second child anytime soon. (I would recommend doing it soon; we spaced it out and it’s hard.) It sounds like you make a ton of money in a hot industry and still have space to take care of yourself and your family. Honestly, you’re living the dream.

          • Flying Squirrel

            yeah, that’s kind of what’s got me indecisive (well, not that the other opportunity is a sure thing anyway). Another factor is that this baby is the result of many rounds of IVF (and 3 years of TTC + IF treatments). We would like another, though things are certainly no guarantee. The one thing in our favor is that we have several high-quality frozen embryos.

            Some days it’s just really hard, though, to even think about doing my job. And I found out yesterday that my closest friend at work is interviewing for another position (for which I suspect she’ll be a strong applicant), so that saps even more energy out of me for doing my job at all. Nevertheless, any job change will almost certainly be more demanding in terms of time and mental energy.

          • JJ

            When I went through similar feelings about doing my job, my husband finally reminded me that I don’t *have* to derive satisfaction from a difficult job. Sometimes, it’s great to just go through the motions and find satisfaction elsewhere. I have to agree, it sounds like you’re living the dream. Is there a way for you to find a new way to invest mental energy? I don’t want to recommend a new “hobby” because, new baby. But something that will keep you interested and engaged.

    • Spirograph

      Oh gosh, this is so similar to my situation… except I don’t actually have the better job already lined up, I’m still debating whether to pursue something (and leaning toward no). Early this year, I purposely stepped back from a different role in my organization that was extremely demanding, so I feel ridiculous being annoyed now that the pendulum has swung the other direction, but I’m with you that it’s frustrating to be bored most of the day.

      When I was in my previous role, I would often come home at baby’s bedtime or only shortly before and be so mentally exhausted that I couldn’t give him the attention I wanted to, to say nothing of helping my husband out with anything at all. I felt run-down constantly, and like I couldn’t even come close to being the employee, mom, or wife I wanted to be.

      My LO is a bit older than yours, and I can tell you there have been so. many. days. in the past few months that I’ve come to work in a haze of state of sleep deprivation and been very thankful I didn’t have to think too hard or do the 1000 things that would have been waiting for me in my previous role. I think it was thissite that linked an article recently saying basically, “it’s better to promise a little bit and do it well than to promise a lot and not be able to follow through.” That’s kind of how I’m thinking of my job right now. And like I’m conserving energy for the things that really matter to me, like my family.

      That said, I could see how having a job you love and find meaningful would be energizing and make it feel more like the time you’re spending away from your baby is “worth it,” so that’s also something to consider. I didn’t love my demanding job. If I had, maybe I would have decided differently.

      • anne-on

        Ha, yes, I joke its a miracle we all made it through sleep regressions and teething gainfully employed.

    • anne-on

      This may sound strange, but is your baby in daycare yet? I found that once my child started daycare he was sick all the time for the first 6-8 months or so (cold/flu season was a killer that year). Having a flexible job that allowed me the leeway to do mid-day pickups/doctors visits/recheck appts./etc. was probably the difference between me keeping my job and just quitting to stay at home.
      Also evaluate your spouse’s situation. My husband covers for me when I travel, but really is too far away to do mid-day pickups or anything other than the first doctor’s appt. of the day. For me, a flexible job for the next year or two until my son is bigger is worth ignoring the ‘i should be a high-powered super earner taking over the world’ feelings.

      • tesyaa

        Good points. There is such a thing as the right opportunity at the wrong time.

    • Toffee

      My baby is 10 months. I went from mind numbing (and less stable) job to a more demanding and more promising job when she was 7 months. I won’t lie, it was and is horrible to only see her for an hour in the morning and 10 minutes in the evening (at best. Some evenings I don’t see her). I miss her. But I love my new position and really see a future here. I don’t know how I’ll feel five years from now or when/if we add another baby to the mix. I’ll figure that out then. For now, I’m happy I took this risk and it’s working out fine for at least the immediate future.

      • Toffee

        Honestly, it depends on hire bad your current job is. Mine was a nightmare and I could see them laying off people soon given losing clients. They told me I’d be first to go shortly after I announced my pregnancy, so….I had to go.

    • Samantha

      I did go through a similar situation and chose to stay at a slightly more boring, less intense job. I valued having a short commute during that first baby year (he had trouble taking a bottle and it was good to be able to come home during lunch to nurse occasionally).
      It was also nice to be home and still have a little bit of light to do a walk with stroller to the park or some such thing. To keep your brain alive, read a lot (I got a lot of reading done while nursing) and keep up with developments in your field – maybe set a target of reading one interesting article in your field per week?

  16. Toffee

    Kat, I couldn’t post using Chrome on my Droid mini. Had to download Firefox.

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