This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I keep hearing good things about the cashmere selection at Garnet Hill, and this gorgeous polo sweater is really calling my name. If you work in a place where lots of folks are wearing polos and khakis, this feels like a slightly elevated way of matching the vibe.
I would pair this with a pair of slim-fitting trousers and flats for an elegant business casual outfit.
The sweater is $179 at Garnet Hill and comes in sizes XS-XL. It also comes in seven other colors.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Fallen
What are some of your favorite high protein meals (and maybe snacks – but I am not much of a snacker)? I am working hard to do 100g+ of protein and it has proven to be extremely hard. If it has added calcium it’s a bonus (unfortunately this is all for a health situation where I need to focus on high protein/high calcium).
Anon
Tuna is a lot of protein for the amount of mass. I can easily eat one 7-oz can of Kirkland albacore tuna and that’s 42 grams of protein.
Anonymous
Tinned fish is a great source of protein + calcium, particularly salmon and sardines, check mackerel, as well, and all are a good ratios to calories.
Cottage cheese and yogurt are also good sources of both. If you don’t like cottage cheese on its own, you might still like it in scrambled eggs. I like what it does to the eggs but it disappears into them so you avoid the texture some people don’t like.
Anon
Cottage cheese topped with quartered or halved cherry/grape tomatoes, a sprinkle of kosher salt and a grind of pepper, a drizzle of olive oil. It will rock your world.
Anon
Breakfast:
Smoothie with frozen fruit, FF greek yogurt, milk, and whey protein powder. I sometimes add frozen spinach and / or chia seeds too.
Oatmeal with collagen powder stirred in (after cooking), fruit, chia seeds, and sometimes a nut butter.
FF Greek yogurt with collagen powder stirred in.
Coffee or a latte with Fairlife milk and collagen powder.
Chia seed pudding made with Fairlife milk and collagen powder stirred in, topped with fruits and nuts.
Frittata or egg bites made with cottage cheese and veggies.
Collagen powder is not a complete protein, but I find that it mixes into things better than whey does.
Lunch/Dinner:
I usually do a bowl that contains protein (fish, shrimp, chicken, beef), veggies, and a grain. I change up what I put in the bowl and what marinades, dressings, and toppings (cheese, seeds, nuts). Sometimes I use lentils as my “grain” base for more protein.
For a quicker meal, I do sandwich (egg + avocado or lunchmeat)
I also do soups and salads that have meat in them.
Snacks:
Protein shakes – if I”m on the go, I do a bottled Fairlife one or I’ll make one at home with chocolate milk and unflavored whey powder.
Beef jerky
Hardboiled eggs
FF greek yogurt
Nuts, cheeses, trail mixes, and the like are fine – not as high protein as people think they are but not bad.
Anon
Adding on – I find that I can’t get 100g of protein, which is also my minimum goal, without protein powders.
Anon
Oh also – I eat a lot of pasta in different formats and always use Banza which is higher protein too! And counts as a serving of veg.
I like it for regular pasta (usually pasta, frozen meatballs or shrimp + Rao’s sauce), pasta salad, pasta as a base in a bowl, or pasta in soup.
Anon
Eggs, beans, nuts, nut butters, hummus.
Anon
Its really hard to get that much protein without eating meat and / or protein powder. I aim for like 110g a day and have to usually have meat 1-2x a day and protein powder to hit it.
People think that nuts and eggs are high in protein but they’re actually pretty low.
Anonymous
Cottage cheese is a lot of protein – that’s why there are recipes adding it to everything from scrambled eggs to Alfredo sauce.
Fairlife shakes are an easy 30 and aren’t whey powder.
The real trick is to make sure each meal has 30g of protein. Another good trick is to front load – get up and have a Fairlife shake and FFGY with a scoop of protein powder, and you start the day at like 70g.
Sadly collagen powder doesn’t count.
Anonymous
Why doesn’t collagen powder not count? It has protein listed on the label.
Anon
I think it’s misleading to say that it doesn’t count, but some sources of protein aren’t complete in themselves because they don’t have all the needed amino acids.
Most plant based proteins need to be combined to be complete (so legumes aren’t complete unless someone also eats grains, or at least cheese, eggs, or meat for the amino acids the legumes don’t provide).
Muscle meat has all the amino acids needed for muscle building or maintenance by virtue of being muscle. But other meat foods may not, and that goes for collagen. I assume some of the powders add the missing aminos to round out the protein though.
Anon
It’s an ‘incomplete protein’ so it doesn’t have all the amino acids proteins have.
Anon
Could someone elaborate on what to combine collagen powder with to make it “count”?
Anon
Some food source of tryptophan.
Anonymous
this is from the Macros group on FB, which I found to be helpful:
Should you count your collagen supplements toward your protein goals?
YES… and NO.
Here is how I explain it to clients and why I used to tell some to count it and others to not count it.
Let’s break this into two ideas…. What Makes Collagen Different… and Should YOU (specifically) Count It.
What Make Collagen Different.
When you take a collagen supplement you are taking a amino acid supplement (which all protein supplements are) that is rich in glycine, proline, and hydroxyproline (there are others but those are the main ones).
Now these are amino acis just like the others but they are used by the body slightly differently. Most of them end up going to the structural parts of your body like your skin, bones, tendons, and ligaments… they aren’t really being used in your overall “metabolism” quite like the other ones are.
I mean they are… a little bit, but not like the other ones.
Think about it like the pre-tax deduction you make to your 401k… you get the money… but you don’t actually get the money in your personal checking account to spend right?
Should YOU (specifically) Count It?
This is an excellent example of why coaching advice is PERSONALIZED…
If I have a client who we have set their protein intake at the lower end of what would consider optimal… I will tell them NOT to count it. Because I want to make sure they are getting useable amino acids for the rest of their body’s needs.
So let’s say my client is a 165 pound female who is not a big protein fan and we set her protein target at like 110-115 grams and she struggles to get that everyday. If I tell her that we can count her 2 servings of her collagen protein (~15 grams total) to her total daily protein count she is actually getting like… 90-100 grams a day, which is now much much lower than I would like her to be at.
Let’s take that same client but we have set her protein target at 150 grams a day and she takes one serving of collagen a day (~7-8 grams)… I would just tell her to count it, because we are at ~142-143 grams of protein which is just fine and we then err on the side of getting a few less calories than maybe we think we are.
So… there you go. All your troubles are now resolved…Thank you for coming to my TedINC Talk
Anon
Plain yogurt (Greek yogurt has more protein because it’s been strained, but I think regular has more calcium since some of the calcium is in the water). Eggs. Yes, each egg is not a ton of protein, but eggs provide a lot of nutrients per calorie. Hard boiled or spa eggs are the one snack I’ll eat, and it’s easy to add a fried, hard boiled, or soft egg to salads, soups, or burgers, and to include them in meatballs or meatloaf. I use almond flour instead of a starch based flour wherever feasible for more protein and calcium. Tofu (I don’t honestly like tofu in western style dishes, but I’ll eat silken tofu in mapo tofu or sundubu-jjigae). Canned fish (salmon is high in calcium and good in salmon cakes or cream cheese spreads; if you can manage to develop a taste for the soft bones in bone-in sardines, that can also really help with calcium).
According to cronometer, I am generally better at hitting protein than calcium, but I found cronometer helpful for just seeing how it all adds up, and how herbs and leafy greens make a difference.
Anon
I should have said that this is in addition to more obvious sources of protein (lean ground red meat, steak, rotisserie or roast chicken, tilapia, ground turkey, etc.).
anon for this
I start the day with 6oz of Greek yogurt (18g) and high-protein granola (14g). For some reason it’s much easier for me to hit my goals the rest of the day if I can start out with 1/3 of it knocked out at breakfast. Add a protein shake at lunch and I’m halfway to done.
Anon
A lot of ground beef, some beans, some roasted sweet potatoes, some cheese, a lot of salsa, and some Greek yogurt, possibly over a pound of steamed broccoli, does a lot for me and would do a lot for you. It is, obviously, not a low calorie density food, especially if you omit the broccoli, but it’s tasty (omg it’s tasty) and it’s high protein and calcium.
Anonymous
I am trying to imagine yogurt in the combination. Is it like a substitute for sour cream?
Anon
Yogurt is an excellent substitute for sour cream. We don’t use sour cream quick enough to go through even a small container before it goes bad, so we use greek yogurt in place of it – on tacos, chili, baked potatoes, etc.
Anon
Yes to some. I use it as a substitute (did for lunch today!) and enjoy it. I’ve recommended the same to others and they were not very pleased with me.
Anon
Yes, I don’t like sour cream enough to keep it in the house but do like full fat Greek yogurt!
Anon
i happen to really like the canned smoked trout and canned mediterranean dorado from trader joes. the Mediterranean Dorado has 29g of protein. i also like Quest protein bars
Anonymous
The Bon Appetit Dairy-Free Smoked Trout Dip is basically trout and almonds, both of which have calcium along with protein. But if salt is an issue, this is not for you.
E
I start my day with an “iced chai latte” that is just iced chai tea mixed with a vanilla protein shake and poured over ice. I prefer the OWYN brand, which has 32g of protein, but lots of other folks like the Fairlife brand (42g protein). This really seems to set me up for success for the rest of the day.
FormerlyPhilly
Honestly, it’s a challenge for me to get that much protein without powder. I eat 5 meals per day and aim for 150g protein daily. I eat basically the same thing every day and had to reframe what I eat. Before, I couldn’t imagine eating meat for breakfast, but alas here I am. Examples–
Breakfast: egg whites, leftover chicken breast, leftover pork chop, leftover turkey meatballs (with fruit and english muffin or high protein wrap)
Snack: hardboiled egg, FF yogurt, tuna, cottage cheese (with fruit or veggies)
Lunch: chicken breast or salmon or halibut (with veggies, brown rice, and/or salad)
Snack: protein powder (with popcorn or rice cake with peanut butter)
Dinner: quinoa or wild rice, salmon or halibut, pork tenderloin, turkey or chicken meatballs (with veggies and/or salad)
Think about the veggies that give the most pack for the punch – broccoli, edamame, spinach, potatoes, mushrooms — and add to quinoa with a lemony dressing to make a nice snack.
Milk
Do you like milk? That’s the easiest solution.
Fairlife milk is very high protein, lactose free, and tastes great. Even their non fat milk tastes rich to me. Just add their non-fat milk as your drink with meals/pills/coffee. I easily get 60-70g of protein from that alone. In fact, I had to cut down a little.
I am not a big meat eater – get most of my protein from eggs/dairy/cheese/tofu/lentils with some salmon/tuna (rare chicken). My snacks are nuts. I keep hard boiled eggs in my fridge all the time.
I also don’t want a bunch of calories/sugar/supplements. My doctor also prefers for me to get my calcium from food instead of supplements when possible. So non-fat high protein milk has been perfect.
Anonymous
Scallops. Chicken breasts. Legumes.
Anonymous
I like to add powdered milk or powdered peanut butter to smoothies, pancakes, etc.
BelleRose
My diary from MyFitnessPal yesterday (I’m trying to gain muscle while losing fat):
Breakfast: 1/3 cup greek yogurt + 1 cup mixed fruit + 1/2 scoop protein powder = 27.5g protein
Snack: apple
Lunch: salad + 2 grilled chicken thighs = 38.3g protein
Snacks: watermelon
After workout: Costco protein bar = 21g protein
Dinner: 1/2 c egg whites + 2 eggs + sauteed veggies = 27.0g protein
Add in nonfat milk with meals (15.6g protein for 16oz), and the day has 131g protein and 112g calcium in ~1400 calories (don’t forget your Vitamin D supplements so calcium is absorbed!).
Anon
Love this top, but way out of my budget. Does anyone have a cheaper dupe (doesn’t have to be cashmere!)?
Anon
I have been eyeing the JCF short sleeve polo sweater in cotton. Link to follow.
Anon
https://factory.jcrew.com/p/womens/categories/clothing/sweaters/pullovers/cotton-blend-polo-sweater/BS911?display=standard&fit=Classic&color_name=hthr-brilliant-ocean&colorProductCode=BS911
Anon
Thank you, that is super cute and exactly what I need for fall office wear!
anon
That is cute. I may have to get that one. I prefer cotton to cashmere anyway, so I’ll take the less expensive option!
Anon
LLBean has one! https://www.llbean.com/llb/shop/129320?page=womens-cotton/cashmere-sweater-polo-womens-plus
Anon
LLBean’s cotton cashmere holds up well. I have a sweater in that blend that’s about 5 years old, worn weekly in cooler weather, but only washed every 4 or 5 wears, and it’s looks like new.
Mantra Magic
I found a really lovely Garnet Hill cashmere cardigan on EBay. Maybe try there? In some ways, I like shopping EBay more than new because I always ask for measurements and that helps me know if the item will fit.
Anon
I buy Garnet Hill cashmere on eBay. I love their sweaters.
Anon
I would check Woolovers.
Anonymous
What’s a good app for tracking diet/nutrition? I used to use the fitbit app but it keeps getting worse. Bonus if there’s a notes section where I can log blood sugar, but I’m more focused on tracking protein/carb/fat/fiber intake. Thanks!
Anon
Cronometer.
Fallen
+1. Especially if you are tracking vitamins/minerals!
Anon
I use Macrofactor, which is the main competitor to Cronometer, and also like it, but it doesn’t have a section for glucose / notes — does Cronometer?
Fallen
Cronometer has a note section, not sure about glucose
Anonymous
If you’re tracking macros I love MM+ even though it’s $2/mo. You do have to mostly enter your own foods but then it’s easy to weigh everything in grams and know exact details.
anon
MyFitnessPal. I’ve had the free and paid versions, and the free version is fine for my purposes.
Anon
Macro Factor.
Anonymous
I purchased a pair of gray-wash jeans from gap a couple years ago and can’t figure out how to style them for my casual office. (I’m in upper management, jeans are fine, but I prefer no sweatshirts.) High waist, straight leg, full inseam. For shoes: I don’t like the chunky white sneaker trend, blondo boots are out, and I can’t wear a heel over 1.5-2”. For tops: I can’t figure out what to wear. The models online are often shown with tank tops, or white Ts. I think the wash reads so casual to me that I can’t figure out how to wear something other than a sweatshirt with them. Ideas appreciated!
Anon
Loafers, blouse, and blazer?
Anonymous
juxtaposition is your friend here. It sounds like you may have a connection of “casual only goes with casual.” But breaking that line is often what creates a modern-looking outfit. I’d go to your closet, pull out all the shirts and blouses you have in colors that you like with the jeans, and do a try-on session to see which ones look good tucked in, even if it would never have occurred you to wear that top with jeans before.
Are you anti-all-sneakers, or just chunky white ones? You can find sleeker sneakers, in other colors. If you need closed-toe shoes, your options are sneakers, loafers, flats (ballet, pointed toe, etc.), oxfords, boots. Which of those do you like and will wear?
Anonymous
Consider having them hemmed to ankle height? I find straight legs hard to wear with full length. Loafers and ankle length would be cute.
Anon
Yes, I either buy cropped straight leg or cuff them. I find them too hard to match with shoes if they’re full length.
Shoes wise I wear them with sneakers (there are cute ones that aren’t chunky), sandals, loafers, or Chelsea boots.
I wear jeans to work a lot with sweaters and short sleeve or sleeveless blouses. In the fall I plan on wearing quarter zip sweaters with mine.
Cat
Different gray washes have different vibes – is yours more of a solid dark gray, or a mottled light gray?
Op
More of a solid
Cat
Colors to play around with, aside from the obvious black and white- blues (dark or light), pinks, maroon, forest green, burnt orange…
as for shoes I’d go with loafers (I like the Sam Edelman mules with straight leg) if you don’t like sneakers.
NYNY
Gray can be tricky to coordinate with, because the undertones can make other colors look weird. For work, I would probably try a crisp white shirt, black loafers, black belt. If you don’t like a tucked shirt, maybe an open white shirt over a tucked tank or cami?
If the gray has yellowish undertones, it would look great with olive. If it’s more blue, try it with plum or wine shades. I’d look for a sweater that has some of the sweatshirt vibe you’re getting.
Anon
I would do make it a little dressier with a cute flat in a fun contrasting color (like a pink or a kelly green) and a pretty white blouse. Agree that ankle length is better is you are not wearing heels.
Anon
I think a nice lightweight sweater top that is cropped to hit around the top of the hip would look nice with grey jeans, especially in black or maybe a white/off white. For shoes I’d do sneakers that aren’t chunky, or a low block heel slide.
Anon
I have a pair of cropped jeans in faded black — not quite the same as gray-wash, but maybe similar enought that I could imagine yours. The biggest difference that I see is that mine are not a straight cut, but rather tight around the hips, a little looser but still following the shape of the leg down to the knee, and then flare out a bit from there. I feel like that shape allows for combos that I like more on my body than I would with a straight leg. Like I can wear a big sweater or jacket on top, or a longer shirt, and not feel like my clothes are swallowing me. Your body shape and preferences may not be the same as mine, so maybe that’s not your issue.
Here are a couple of combos inspired by the comments that suggest mixing formality levels: Chunky striped turtleneck and more delicate/polished shoes. Bold colorful sneakers and a silk top, or a t-shirt + cool blazer.
anon
I read the hair styling thread yesterday. I’m 35 with very straight hair that’s just past my shoulders and I…do nothing to it other than brush it. I always thought of myself as pretty polished but maybe not? How did you all learn what to do with your hair? I don’t use any products or anything- should I? Low ponytails make me look like a Founding Father. High ponytails are for the gym. Hair spray feels sticky or crunchy. Is it really that bad to wear my hair down and not styled? Occasionally I’ll pull part of it back with a claw clip but that’s about it.
Cat
I read that and it’s funny to see how advice ages. Like people were honestly worried that wearing their hair loose for an interview would be seen as unprofessional?! As long as you’re not constantly playing with it, it’s clean, and neatly styled, you’re fine.
Anon
I have thick wavy curly hair that gets frizzy quickly. Having grown up in the 90s every single piece of media told me my hair was bad, unprofessional, and should be ‘tamed’ at all times. Yes, I absolutely wore my hair in a slicked back french twist to interview or flat ironed it and hoped for non-humid weather.
I think it’s really hard for younger people to grasp just how awful the workplace was for women in the very recent past. You could still expense visits to st*p clubs at the white shoe investment firms into the early 2000’s!
Anon
I was told by my male colleagues that the ATMs at strip clubs gave you a receipt to look like it was from a restaurant. Disgusting.
Anon
Yup, in NYC anyway the receipts showed the name of the restaurant associated with the club, not the club name.
Kat G
It’s been one of our top posts (top 10?) since we published it… people are still searching the topic!
Cat
I’m not surprised people are still asking the question. I’m surprised at how concerned people were with wearing their hair down, natural, neatly styled, at the time!
Anon
No – most days I don’t style my hair either and either wear it down or half up half down with a clip. I’m 30, with hair your length, but mine is wavy. Even on days that I wear it down, there are times during the day that I want it out of my way and I”ll throw it into a pony or a bun, which isn’t cute but gets my hair out of my way.
If my waves are not behaving, I’ll put my hair up in a bun or a claw clip. It’s not the cutest, but it contains the mane.
If I have extra time in the morning I will run a straightening brush through my hair. I love how my hair looks when I do this (not totally straight but definitely more polished), but I don’t feel like taking the 5 minutes to do this every day.
I usually shower at night, but on the rare occasion I shower in the morning I either let it air dry on my walk to work (with an airdry creme in it) or I will blow it out with the Revlon brush (it looks fantastic when I do this, but is an extra 10 mins).
For me hair has been over a decade of trial and error, both with products, tools and styles. I have a stylist that I really trust and she definitely helps me. I also started getting balayage in my hair this year and LOVE how it looks, which helps my thoughts about my hair.
txatty
I’m post 35 and my hair is longer than my shoulders. I blow dry it using the revlon blow dry brush and straighten out any weird waves but generally Ieave it down until I get busy and focused on something when it will be pulled back in a low pony. I did buy the hair tie in the post yesterday and some other hair accessories from J crew that I hope might jazz things up.
anon
I think some people are “done up” hair people and others are not. I was raised in the north east and just washed and brushed my hair most of my life. I am in the south now and there sure are a lot of women I work with that seem to have used a lot product. I asked my coworker how long it takes her to go through a can of hairspray. One Month. I think I’ve had the same can hairspray for approximately a decade.
To answer your question though, try the Revlon brush with dryer. It will smooth out your hair and give you a little more volume.
Anon
Ha ha, Bay Area here, I just discovered last week that my hairspray won’t spray anymore even though I’m sure the can is nearly full. I remember the hairstylist I bought it from which means it was at least 10 years ago. I guess I’m not a hairspray girl.
Anon
I do the same and it’s never been an issue.
AIMS
I think this depends on your hair and how you present yourself generally. Some people have hair that is wash and go and doesn’t require additional effort. Yes, part of the “fine” is because we have all been fed an idea of what “professional” looks like & certain hair just looks that way naturally. If that’s your hair, I wouldn’t overthink it. It’s not my hair, which naturally tends toward “bedhead” and I don’t overthink it either. If I care to look “more polished” I do something to make it look more serious or sometimes I just make it look more intentional (e.g., by making the rest of me look more purposeful).
Anon
You may be referring to the comments on that post, but I just went back and looked at the body of the post and found the advice to be perfect. Your hair should be clean and not distracting in the sense that you play with it all the time and honestly the least memorable thing about you.
Anon
It really depends on your hair. If it’s the kind of straight hair that’s smooth and not stringy then you don’t necessarily have to do anything with it. But if your hair looks like you rolled out of bed then a heat tool will make a big difference. It takes five minutes to use a straightener and make the ends flip under nicely. Think Jennifer Aniston on Friends- yes her hair is straight but the ends curve inward to frame her face.
Anon
Hahaha at the idea that heat tools can make my hair’s ends flip under nicely. I fell for that in the 90s but will not fall for it again.
Anon
I do absolutely nothing with my hair other than wash it and brush it. I can tie it in a neat bun or ponytail if I need it out of the way. I usually do a bun for interviews, because otherwise I tend to play with my hair when I’m nervous. But other than that, I go to get it professionally styled maybe 3-4 times a year if I have an event. I’m decent at make-up for terrible at doing hair.
Anon
This depends so much on your individual hair type. If I did literally nothing but brush my hair I would look like I had either survived electrocution or at best escaped from a house with no mirrors. Hair that is naturally straight is easier to get by with just brushing, because smooth straight hair IS a style, yours just happens naturally whereas other people have to use heat and products to achieve it. I have curly hair that is unruly. I spent the better part of two decades straightening my hair. Now I usually wear it curly, but it still takes a not insignificant amount of effort. Just the right products applied in just the right way while my hair is just the right amount of wet, blowdried just so. There is no wake up and go for me. Even if I pull my hair back, it’ll be crazy fly aways if I don’t perform some sort of intervention.
Anon
It’s true. There’s a bit of “straight hair privilege” in these recommendations. I am a wavy haired person who can do a decent mostly-straight blowout. But my daughter has 3B curls and there’s no such thing as “just brush your hair” for her. Wash-and-go still means a lot of steps for her.
For me personally, with my wavy hair, it looks a bit messy if I wash-and-go, so I’d blow it out straight-ish for anything important. I realize I could make my waves look better if I treated them the way my curly girl daughter treated hers, but I am not that good at it, so I go with the safe.
I think the number one important piece of advice in that post is “don’t play with your hair.” Keep your hands in your lap to keep yourself from doing so, especially in an interview or presentation!
Anonymous
Did you guys see this psychopathic piece in The Cut? Even if she had PPD (or PPP!) where was her husband? That poor cat.
https://www.thecut.com/article/pets-dog-cat-having-a-baby.html#/
Anon
Oh my god, major content warnings for lighthearted discussions of animal abuse. I couldn’t get past her first description of neglecting that cat — maybe she had a turnaround and started treating it well, but boy, the tone doesn’t suggest that that’s coming.
Anon
Ugh. The timing really makes this feels more like it was published in support of Vance than to raise awareness about mental health.
Anon
I have a feeling that if I read this, it will haunt me forever. I’m not one to get some kind of sick thrill out of reading about other people’s horror shows. Sometimes I really do wish this place were fashion questions and nothing more.
Anonymous
That article was so insane. She needed a friend to tell her not to publish that.
Anonymous
I didn’t read it but saw quotes online. People are right that she should be reported for animal abuse. It’s not hard to put an auto feeder and water bowl down and buy a robot litter box. That would mean probably not even having to change that every 3 days honestly. The husband could have done it and chose not to. That cat deserves better.
Anon
Spouse has been dieting out while relationship and is now 50 pounds overweight. He’s also pretty average honestly, for what size people are in 2024. His sister is on a weight loss shot but is more significantly overweight. It is working for her though. He doesn’t want to do it because he sees it as forever and cheating but he has tried and failed everything else. He’d never cheat on me but the way he thjnks of food 24/7, it is a mistress hat lives in his head that he obsesses over. If a shot would quiet that noise and give him peace, I’d encourage him to try this next (or do I STFU?). His diet talk is constant and we have a tall skinny teen girl who now goes around asking if she is fat, so I am tip-toeing around this constantly regardless.
Anonymous
I think it’s a sign of how deep our cultural fat phobia goes that you’re asking this question in this way. The problem isn’t his weight. It’s his constant diet talk. You don’t fix that with a GLP-1 drug, you fix it by talking to him about it and cutting him off and therapy etc.
Anon
I thought the GLP-1 medications actually did help with the preoccupation?
They won’t correct bad opinions. But people talk more about what they’re thinking about than about what they’re not thinking about at all.
Anon
It seems like he needs a general checkup and some serious talk with an rd. Then maybe a GLP-1 depending on what his blood work shows. The fact that diet/food is a major preoccupation probably means he has food noise in his head all the time and the meds are at least a major part of the solution to that. But you can also put your foot down and state that you aren’t going to engage in diet talk or any conversation that paints food as good/bad.
Anonymous
Sure they do! But that’s not something you suggest to someone else and them helping cravings doesn’t actually change diet talk. Plenty of people on these drugs talking alllll the time about their weight loss
Anon
I’m someone who appreciates and benefits from a lot of support and encouragement when I’m making efforts to lose weight (which for me can feel both difficult and isolating). I never want to go back to the 90s hellscape of media pressure and social bullying, but I also don’t want this to be some kind of deeply private secret affair either.
Anon
+1 to Anon at 10:51. I’m on a diet for medical reasons and really needed my husband to move on from “I love you just as you are, here is a cookie” (which I appreciate! But again, medical reasons) to “I’m supporting you on this, let’s make grilled chicken and a salad tonight”.
Anon
You have a discussion where you set a house rule together that there is absolutely no diet talk around your daughter, but otherwise, it is his decision and not yours.
Anonymous
This.
HFB
+1
Anon.
I’m sorry but I’m having a hard time understanding what you mean. What is this about cheating?
Anon
It’s like food occupies all of this man’s headspace, the way a girlfriend might.
Anon
Stop tip-toeing and take some hard steps to protect your daughter. Her whole life, her dad has been obsessing about body size and weight. This isn’t about him being ‘overweight’, this is about his untreated body image issues and the damage that is leaking out to your child.
It’s not really about his weight. If it were he’d have gotten the shot. That he sees it as cheating and can’t STFU about it over almost decades is why you know it’s disordered thinking and needs professional help.
Anon
As someone who works with eating disorders, husband needs therapy. I would also strongly consider therapy for your daughter because constant exposure to that kind of talk is damaging and can lead to disordered eating, really poor body image, and just an overall unhealthy relationship with body and food.
Anon
This, 100% — and if he won’t get it, then I’d say that your daughter and you should, so that you can figure out how to manage this. Agreed with the poster above: this isn’t about his weight at all; it’s about a relationship with food that is damaging both to your marriage and to your daughter.
Milk
+1
He needs to see his doctor, and he needs therapy.
Fallen
I agree. I am the poster above who asked about calcium and protein because I have osteoporosis in my 30s, partially at least due to an eating disorder in my teens that was largely driven by my parents constantly talking about my dad being overweight/food.
Anon
Te first two responses clearly have not lived with a spouse with this level of food-disordered thinking. I have. My husband could agree to never discuss weight and food. His behavior would still send loud, clear signals about food, bad food, weight, size, on and on. I know what it is like and I think you need to take this very seriously with respect to kids who are growing up with these attitudes. I cannot tell you how, but I wish I knew.
Anonymous
As others have said, the diet talk is the issue and not the weight. Just like a gambling addiction isn’t about being given more money.
Also, I think your instinct on not to suggest taking the shot is the right one. I’m sure he’s already considering. And It’s also not nothing. Some serious side effects that need to be weighed with an MD. Having guilt that your spouse wants you to take it being added into the equation isn’t fair.
Anon
This may be too far out for you and this board, but I thought I’d mention the book Reclaiming Body Trust: The Path to Healing and Liberation, which does a great job deconstructing the fat phobia in our culture and differentiating between health and weight. Your husband may not be interested, but I’m wondering if it would give you some perspective, especially given your concerns about how the family conversation may be impacting your teenage daughter.
Daffodil
I’m getting married in October and going to the big island of Hawaii for my honeymoon. There are a lot of options and I’m trying to narrow it down, especially for the beach resorts in the northwest part of the island with all the big resorts. Any recommendations? Willing to spend if worthwhile.
Anon
I’d look into your credit cards reward portal – the Amex Fine Hotels and Resorts program/chase sapphire program have very good discounts (or perks) at many resorts. I did a reservation through AmEx for the Four Seasons in FL this year and got an upgraded room, early check in, free breakfast daily (including room service) and spa credits.
anon
I use the website oyster dot com to research hotels and resorts. I find the reviews helpful, especially the pros/cons section. And they have real pictures of the places.
I also like revealedtravelguides dot com. I’ve used their guidebooks for traveling to the other Hawaiian islands.
emeralds
I think any of the big resorts in that area likely to be lovely for a honeymoon. I stayed at the Waikoloa Beach Marriott a few years ago and enjoyed it–there are a few resorts in that area, as well as a walkable little shopping area with more options for food if you want them. Having a welcome Mai Tai at the open-air bar in the reception, looking out over the pool to the ocean, was a highlight.
Anon
That’s a good hotel and the Waikoloa area is perfect.
OP get a rental car (pretty much everyone does) so you can see more of the island.
Anon
We love love love the Mauna Kea.
Anon
I stayed at the Fairmont Orchid last summer and it was amazing. I cannot wait to go back.
TelcoLadyJD
We stayed at the Fairmont Orchid while on our honeymoon, and it is one of my favorite places in the world.
Essential in Texas
The only answer to this question is the Four Seasons. We went there on our honeymoon 18 years ago and it was heaven. And before you say, that’s a long time ago….we had friends go there last week…and it looked better.
Clara
For people who work at non-profits – how often do you get a raise?
I’m on my second year of working as a director at a nonprofit. I already am at the medium-high range of salaries at this org. We had a 3% cost of living adjustment last year, and I expect I’ll get a similar one this year. My friends who work in finance and consulting are telling me that I should ask for a raise – is that reasonable? My team has grown in size and scope, my boss and the CEO seem happy with the job I’m doing, and the company is growing over all.
Anon
IME (government and non profits), raises only come with promotions. Everything else is just COLAs. And, in my entire time with government and nonprofits, COLAs have never been annual. When I worked in city government the average was one COLA every 5-7 years!!
Even in my short stint (2 years) at a F50 corporation, there were COLAs and raises with promotions or a big change to your team or portfolio, but just because raises didn’t exist.
Clara
This is what I figured. The only promotion would be to like CTO so I dion’t think that’s really ever going to be a possibility.
Anon
A raise that’s not a COLA or along with a promotion? Literally never.
Booster
Yeah, unfortunately that’s been my experience too (15+ years in nonprofits).
Anonymous
Also, our raise budget for the past several years has been 3 to 3.5%. Some people get a bit more for great performance, but in general, a COLA raise in that range is comparable to what many of us in corporate America has been getting for the last couple of years. Budget for next year’s raises has already been set at 3%.
Anecdata
Same, in 5 years nonprofit & 4 years large traditional US for profit, no Cola raises, but “merit” raises around PA time of 2-4%. Bigger raises are tied to promotions, but there are promotions available that require budget but not org chart changes (like a spot that can be filled by either a director, VP or SVP; or a Program Specialist -> Senior Program Specialist -> Staff Program Specialist type progression)
But I think you could still ask – if your non profit doesn’t have a framework for raises or career progression at all, honestly it sounds like that’s something you’re in a leadership position to raise in general, as a staff retention & general good governance issue.
Clara
We do have a framework – for lower positions. Since I’ve been here I’ve given one person a raise + promotion and one person is in line to get a raise + promotion this year. Two others got a “re-benchmarking” salary increase. So overall they’re pretty good about paying fairly.
For myself I’m not sure what promotion I see. The team is growing in size and scope so honestly that feels like a promotion but my title is pretty high up already.
Anon
In my experience, raises are pretty rare absent a promotion or change in duties. We do generally get a COL raises of between 3-5% at my non-profit.
Anonymous
Other than ~3% cost of living adjustments (which I can’t even count on happening annyally), once in 9 years, with a promotion/title change. That said, you don’t ask for what you don’t get, although I might wait another year. You will have a much stronger case if you can show your salary is on the low end for similar roles at peer nonprofits in your area.
Anonymous
PS – and yeah, if there is limited advancement potential, which is often true as you get into management at nonprofits unless the organization is truly massive, you will probably need to leave to get a big salary boost.
BelleRose
3-5% raise annually depending on performance review. But our org has committed to a $26 minimum wage (VHCOL)
Anon
Does anyone have an espresso machine they love that doesn’t use pods?
Anon
We got a basic De’Longhi and love it. Yes, it’s two steps to make a cappuccino vs. one, but to me the outcome tastes better so it’s worth it.
Anon
Love our Gaggia Classic Pro. My household has been using it 2-4x day since 2019
Anon
I love my Breville Barista Express!
Fallen
+1 to the breville. I have the barista express impress which is great for beginners to making espresso
Anon
+1 million
anonshmanon
Breville for life! Mine is simple, with a steaming wand but no built in grinder. You can get replacement parts for things that wear, and it’s made to last.
Anon
Breville Bambino. No complaints and have had it making four rounds a day since 2020.
Anon.
We have a 20 year old JURA that still does it’s job with regular maintenance (which we do ourselves with the help of YouTube. We don’t use the milk steamer much).
JURA is definitely on the expensive end but the coffee tastes great.
Anon
I also have a JURA and am happy with it. I don’t have the one with a steamer so we bought a seperate steamer for $75 and I like this system better, because I think the steamer connecter on the JURA is annoying to clean. I make great coffee at home and don’t go out as much.
Anon
So I bought a Bambino Plus and a separate Breville Grinder in olive green from Williams and Sonoma. I’m obsessed with them. I really under estimated that having a nice coffee grinder that can switch between espresso and drip coffee grind would upgrade the taste of both my normal drip coffee and espresso.
Overall I’m also glad I went with the Bambino Plus over the Bambino. The automatic milk frother is really nice and my 5 year old really likes getting milk steamers as a treat from it.
Anon
Agree on the coffee grinder! It makes way more difference than the actual coffeemaker, IMO.
Cat
I got a Bialetti moka pot after using one on an Italy trip- works great!
Anon
I got deep deep deep into CoffeeGeek and will tell you what I learned.
First, buy a burr grinder for your beans. If you’re still using a whirly grinder, you’re never going to get a good pull.
Second, what you’re looking for is a pressurized portafilter machine. I bought a reconditioned Baby Gaggia. The good ones all come from Italy, which is not surprising.
Third, this is not based on CoffeeGeek, but my own experience, unless you want to work up to making latte art, forget about the steamer arm on the machine. Just make your frothed milk in a separate milk frother. The good ones are not the stick frothers but the ones that almost look like a kettle, and make hot or cold foamy milk.
Fourth, the best close-to-espresso shot maker without a machine is the manual aeropress.
Enjoy! Baby Gaggia is currently in the basement and I now use a Nespresso vertuo pod machine now & a separate foamer as described (I actually mostly just heat the milk, and I don’t use the spring for a very foamy milk) but again, I’m not trying to win any latte art competitions. I learned a lot about what I like in an espresso shot from having a “real” machine, and we even got so into it we were roasting our own coffee beans, don’t get me started!
Anon
Oh… I like the steamer arm better. I only want hot foamy milk though.
Anon
Any suggestions on the kettle milk frother?
My spouse picked out a random Amazon one that has a little spinny whisk ring inside and it is supposed to also heat the milk. It whisks dairy milk to structural bubble-bath consistency and mildly warms it, but it is awful with any non-dairy option.
Also, +1 on the aeropress. We even take ours camping.
Anon
I have a basic amazon milk frother and not sure it would be any different than yours. We use lactose free regular dairy milk and it does a fine job with that – and I’m not looking for foam, I just want it warmed. My friend got hers at Sur La Table and I don’t remember the brand name, but it is chrome or chrome-looking and did a great job the one time I visited. I’m sorry I’m not more help here!
The reason I recommend a frother arm over the steam arm is that it can splatter everywhere, and the arm has a tendency to get clogged. It’s also really hard to get a perfect foam with it and not burn the milk. My number one complaint from back in the day when I got lattes from places like Starbucks was that the baristas overheated/burned the milk. I hate how burned milk tastes!
Anon
Thanks for the info!
Foamed oat milk is my preference and don’t really care if it is heated. I would also like to move away from the non-stick coated lining my current kettle has.
I do also have a manual plunger-frother thing that does better with non-dairy options, although it is tedious to use. Perhaps I will try a battery operated stick whisk and see how that works.
Anon
I’m in m-d with a longer response but I mentioned my friend has a fancier frother than mine. I think this is hers
https://a.co/d/8LfX7tV
Anon
But please note that the copy says: “Milk Guidelines: Milk should be as fresh and cold as possible. Cow’s milk works best. Alternative milks can be attempted, but there is no guarantee that they will yield results”
You know who would have good advice about frothing non-dairy milks? CoffeeGeek
Nesprin
Yeah I’ve had 2 phillips/saeco whole bean espresso machines- they’ve lasted for a decade each and make pretty damn good coffee
Anonymous
Breville Bambino Plus.
Anonymous
Jura Impressa hands down the best.
Anonymous
Private practice attorneys: 1) how many days per year do you go without checking email or voicemail? 2) how many attorneys work at your firm? 3) are you the norm at your firm or an outlier when it comes to time off/unplugged?
Anonymous
I worked in biglaw for 8 years and I think I didn’t check any email/voicemail the weekend of my wedding, and that’s it. Maybe a couple of days of our honeymoon I went totally phone-free, but not the entire time (took off for 2 weeks).
Anon
Same
Anonymous
Currently at a 12-lawyer firm. No days per year that I don’t check email/voicemail, though at this firm I don’t generally receive email on major holidays, and if I do they are not urgent but just someone sending something because they chose to work that day.
At larger firms it was the same, but I did sometimes get emails on the holidays and often had urgent emails/situations on American holidays not observed in London or Latin America, where I had clients/cases.
At a 6-lawyer firm, I also checked every day and on Christmas Day was commanded to work on Christmas Day.
Josie P
Probably 20? Many Fridays (Friday used to be my day off) plus 10 days in the summer when I do not have signal and can’t check. All big holidays (Thanksgiving, July 4, Christmas, New Year’s). I would say I’m toward the unplugged end of the spectrum at my firm but I wouldn’t want to be any other way.
Josie P
Oh and my firm is 50 lawyers.
Atlanta Attorney
Small boutique firm (3 lawyers) in a very niche practice area. I take a minimum of 5 weeks off/year where I do not touch email or voicemail. (Not consecutively – throughout the year). We close our office Dec. 24 – Jan. 1, then I always take a spring break, early summer vacation, late summer vacation, and then other random days. Probably more like 6 weeks as I add it up in my head. There’s nothing I touch that one of my partners couldn’t pick up for me when I’m out. Everyone takes about the same amount of time and we just cover for each other.
Anon
I do not check my email most weekends or days off unless I’m in the office working on a project (I come in some saturdays if I get behind) or looking for something specifically, and I never check voicemail on the weekends. I’m solo at the moment, but that was also the case at my last office (5-10 attorneys). The benefits of a small transactional law practice!
Anonymous
Another boutique firm, niche practice here.
1) I’ve checked email every day except on my wedding and honeymoon (we went to a place with terrible wifi, I suspect that doesn’t really exist anymore but I strongly recommend it if it does) and most of my maternity leave (I did check in a few times, mostly to route things to other people and gossip with my coworkers).
2) 25-ish. When I’m on vacation, I ignore and put off responding to things that aren’t seriously urgent, but I do read them first to vet.
3) I think I’m the norm.
Anon
I practice in a small boutique transactional firm with 3 other attorneys. I never check my email on the weekend, and have taken 3 weeks off this year where I generally only check my email every other day (and generally just to screen for major issues). This is very much the norm at my firm.
anon
1) 0, 2) 1150, 3) norm (although checking does not necessarily mean plugged in)
Anonymous
BigLaw partner, equity. Litigation. I have checked my work email every day since I began at this firm, including Christmas and the day I gave birth . I don’t always respond, but I always check so that I can triage. I think I’m pretty normal for partners.
anon
Anyone here in Texas familiar with the TIRZ arrangements? I see them popping up on so many cities websites. My city is considering one. I’m having trouble discerning if they are useful and legitimate, just a new name given to a structure of ensuring tax allocations are made for proper infrastructure (which frankly should have been happening anyways), or some sort of tax shell game that don’t really benefit municipalities.
No Face
Any recommendations for short sleeve sweaters in a crew neck or v-neck without a collar? I prefer natural fibers.
Mine are looking rough and sad after years of heavy use and this is my time to restock since they are back in.
Anon
The Jcrew Factory ones above look cute. I’d scope out the offerings at Boden, Brooks Brothers, Jcrew, and Quince now and wait for a labor day sale.
Anonymous
Landsend supima cotton
Anon
100% merino, short sleeve ribbed crewnecks are available at Uniqlo, solid and striped. I so wish this was offered in v-neck. You will see some negative feedback about holes. I wash mine in a laundry bag on gentle cycle and dry flat(ish) and I have not had this problem.
sweater
Boden has these in 100% cotton. It’s a heavy cotton. I have two and they are very nice.
Anon
What’s the easiest way to get from the Denver airport to a hotel in Boulder? Any shuttle services to recommend? Is it feasible to do this by public transportation? The hotel does not have a shuttle.
Cat
literally easiest is a cab or Uber… would expect it to be around $80 or so.
Anon
When I lived there 15 years ago there was an express bus from DIA to Boulder that worked well. Not as easy as Uber but a lot cheaper.
roxie
The RTD bus goes right from the airport to downtown boulder (a couple highway stops on the way) but it won’t take you to a specific hotel. It’s a good, convenient easy bus though, so you could uber from the boulder bus station to your hotel (if you’re staying at the Boulderado you could walk…)
It looks like there’s a private shuttle company too, google boulder shuttles, that is probably a bit cheaper than a car service.
Anon
How much is the Walz military criticism breaking through to you / your social media feeds?
My husband and I are military, so we’re hyper aware of claims of stolen valor and the like. Unfortunately for the general public, the Walz criticism hinges on a technicality that may be hard for the layman to understand, and the media reporting we’ve seen hasn’t been super clear about that technicality. We worry it’s damaging his candidacy even though it’s unclear/unfair.
It is 110% normal and common for a senior enlisted member to be “pulled up” to serve at the next higher rank in the absence of someone who has actually been promoted to that rank. It’s called being “frocked” and it happens all time. I WOULD expect someone to claim that higher rank in conversation about their career, but maybe not in writing where the lawyer in me would want to be super precise. Of course, the writing part is where he gets in trouble here – Walz “served as” that higher rank, but did not “retire at” that higher rank.
And the angry criticism about missing deployment really gets under my skin – that he chose to retire and ran from doing the mission. You have to put in retirement paperwork a year or so in advance – he absolutely would not have known at the time he needed to make the decision to retire and run for office that his unit was going to get orders. Could he have pulled his paperwork and deployed with his unit? Yes. But I believe (not positive) that he already had a campaign apparatus in place by the time they got orders. When my units deployed, it wasn’t uncommon for the old timers who were due to retire to stay behind.
Anyways, super curious to know how much it’s percolating through other circles.
Anon
It’s coming in wrong, as you note, but at the moment outweighed by how cray and unhinged Trump has gotten lately. He is now losing a race he was likely to have won handily a month ago.
Anecdata
Data points : in my circle the, “retired conveniently just before deploying” percolated through; and the “references carrying military style rifles in combat, when he wasn’t in combat”. But the other thing you said, about the difference between “serving as” rank and “retired as” rank wasn’t one I’d heard
Anon
I’ve mostly seen the memes about JD Vance criticizing him for being a quitter, and the response that Jd Vance spent his deployed time in an air conditioned office writing press releases.
Anonymous
Is this issue really going to get much traction? Isn’t it just going to remind people of Trump’s ‘heel spurs’ or whatever shady excuse got him out?
anon
I’m seeing none of it. Literally zero. I sit in a blue state but have a lot of deep red friend connections (in laws) and get a lot of related content pushed my way I’m guessing because of those connections/interactions. But this is not something they’ve posted about or that I’ve seen in mems or other generated content from randos or bots.
Anon
+1 and my partner is former special service military, a staunch libertarian, and a history and military information nut, and I have not hear a word about this. But we also do not generally talk politics bc we both vote how we vote, and hate the political seasons and rigamarole.
Seafinch
Canadian Legal Officer with service spouse. No horse in the game and not overly engaged at all in the news coverage. But everything you have said is accurate for how I would evaluate the situation. I am acting while so employed as of tomorrow at the higher rank, totally standard. Also agree about the deployment. Obviously, the US might be different but those analyses hold for the CAF.
Anon
I’ve encountered the stolen valor claims repeatedly. I didn’t know the timeline for the retirement paperwork, so I guess I can ask about that the next time someone brings it up!
Anon
It’s many months in advance.
Anon
I should have added, similar to retirement in the private sector but with more formally set processes in place.
Think of it this way: people in the private sector don’t typically retire after 24 years at a single company without discussion about it in advance. The effective timing may align with a new product launch, HQ move, new leadership, whatever, but without reason to connect the events it is a stretch to automatically think the employee retired because of them within a few days of the employee learning about them. Why do people think the military is so different?
Anon
My husband in the private sector gave 1 year notice. Otherwise it was considered a dismissal.
Anon.
Both Walz and Vance have impressive credentials including their military service. I would rather hear about their policy differences. The stolen valor argument is disgusting.
Anonymous
😂
Nesprin
Tim Walz is what JD Vance is cosplaying as.
Anon
I find it a stretch to categorize Vance’s service as “impressive” just because it exists.
Anon
I heard about the retirement “issue,” which seems obviously dumb to me based on the timing. I hadn’t even heard about the other one.
No one in my circle cares at all and I think it will be hard for Vance to go on the attack about it when he was in public affairs and spent his time abroad writing press releases.
anon
My husband is former active duty and current reservist and every single thing they are criticizing is so dumb to me, especially in the context of reserves and national guard. In all my observation, no one is in any hurry to get something done and plans constantly change. It’s a disorganized mess in most units. The amount of footdragging on any admin change or paperwork is shocking. Husband’s been due for a promotion for probably a year and his paperwork is just sitting around, despite his follow ups.
Anon
I don’t see it in my SM feeds at all, and I also think you either underestimate the ability of the layman to understand basic details, or overestimate the complexity of the situation. No one who truly cares to actually understand finds any of this confusing or difficult to process. People who want to be butthurt about it are simply not interested in understanding it.
Anon
I don’t personally care much about this issue, but it is telling to me how the other members of his unit have characterized his actions, and for the most part it has been unfavorable.
Anon
I haven’t seen this at out. Can you point me to your sources?
Anon
https://www.pbs.org/newshour/politics/fact-checking-attacks-on-walzs-military-record-by-vance-and-other-republicans
This links to some of the criticisms.
Anon
Those links are to two interview quotes published by the New York Post and Fox News. Not exactly “for the most part” supportive there.
Anon
Can you share sources for this? I have seen nothing at all to this effect.
Anonymous
100% do not care about anyone’s military service.
Anon
What should get more traction is Trump’s statement that he will fire all woke (democratic) people in the military.
Anonymous
No one I know cares at all.
anon
My husband is a veteran so he’s worried about how loud it is (because in his social media echo chamber it is deafening). In my circles (super lefty progressive completely non military) it seems to not be registering at all, except for people sometimes resharing posts that show that the criticisms have been debunked (even though sometimes I’m not sure that the debunking journalists have actually understood what the military people are mad about). The only thing that sort of seems to have registered within my circles is “he shouldn’t have said he carried a gun in war” which seems like the least important of the points, since it’s literally one speech from 2018.
Anon
It has not crossed my (admittedly low appetite for political minutiae) news diet even once.
Anonymous
I have heard this and heard the explanation from a left-leaning alternative news source. It strikes me that leaving the military service to go into another public service role is not an issue to me at all. If he had retired to, say, start a hedge fund or something, that would make me like him a whole lot less. If he were them also sponsored by a whacko misogynist billionaire and made a lot of misogynistic statements, I would be sure he wasn’t my candidate. And if he paired up with a draft dodger who used his wealth to fake a medical condition to avoid the military and then started pointing fingers at others based on serving and retiring after many years, I’d really find him distasteful.
I believe the person behind this messaging is the same guy who did the Swiftboating attack on John Kerry. He’s kind of one note, wouldn’t you say?
anon
x10000000000000000
Anonymous
Yes. This.
Seventh Sister
I live in a very blue bubble in a famously blue state (though the rural and exurban areas are super red). Nothing seems to be breaking through in my social media feed, tbh. My mom adores JD Vance and I’m sure she could take me through how Walz is terrible, no one in my circle worries about it.
Anon
JD Vance has a fan besides his wife and his meemaw!? lol but seriously even in a deep red state none of the Republicans I know are happy with Vance, even the ones who love Trump.
Anonymous
To me it comes across as manufactured criticism that makes the critics look bad. I read an article, probably in the NYT, that explained it exactly as you did.
Anonymous
If you’re feeling like the typical life milestones of marriage, house, kids aren’t going to happen for you, what alternative milestones do you focus on? I revised this post like ten times to remove frustrated venting and will just say that being single in your late 30s when you don’t want to be is really hard.
anon
Maybe pick some that are meaningful to you? Paying off my student loans is going to be a milestone I am happy about and is one I remember from when I was growing up- when my dad paid off his, it was great and we had a big dinner to celebrate.
How about a career accomplishment?
Anonymous
I don’t focus on milestones, and maybe that is part of the reason I didn’t “reach” them on society’s imposed schedule. But I did decide to buy a house in my early 40s when a friend pointed me to one that suits my needs/desires. And I could now envision myself getting married or at least committed and living together in my 50s. I’d like to keep this man around, but I don’t really care about marriage/commitment as a milestone.
Anon
I’m a little younger than you, but yes – being single in your 30s when you don’t want to be is really hard! I’m lucky in that I feel “less behind” because a handful of my friends (from college / my 20s) are also long term single and a few of my married friends either don’t want kids or don’t want to own a house / move to the burbs.
I’m graduating grad school next year and plan on going all out to celebrate. I’ve gone part time over 4 years so will be very, very glad to be done with the slog (and the tuition payments).
I go back and forth on thinking about if I want to buy a place, and if so, where (city? burbs? vacation condo + keep renting?). If / when I buy something, that will be a huge milestone. When I moved out of an apartment I was meh on to one I loved, that was a good cause for celebration.
I have personal financial milestones to hit, but I keep this on the DL but will treat myself to something for hitting them.
Obviously, professional milestones are good benchmarks.
Finally, I’m really, really into my hobbies. So, I have hobby specific goals that I like to focus on.
I’m still dating / holding onto hope that I’ll find my person one day.
I’m lucky to still have a good social life – with single friends and friends with families! And, my family, whom I’m close to, lives nearby and I”m glad to be able to see them regularly. I’m very close to my childfree aunt and uncle, who have some health issues, so I’m glad that I have the capacity to both enjoy their company while they’re healthy enough and to do some care taking when they need it.
Anon
I like this question and am interested in others’ answers. I tend to mark life progress around how comfortable and good I feel living my life just as it is, which is incremental and hard to have ‘milestones’. But we all regularly do things like get new jobs. What feels more personally important to me are taking the steps to do things I’ve always wanted to, like learning a new sport or instrument or traveling to a specific place. It’s still worthwhile to mark milestones in groups too – a friend of mine published a book and had a launch party, for example. Other friends have had housewarmings for their first home or celebrating the end of a phd.
Anon
Focus on your own personal milestones and goals. What do you enjoy? Are you going for a promotion? Have a big trip you want to go on? If you are a runner you can set a goal of running a marathon on another continent. If you enjoy a certain workout, you can become certified to teach (I want to get my yoga teach certification eventually) Even if you are single, you can still buy a home, adopt a pet, etc. You also don’t have to live the typical lifestyle. If your job allows, you can move cities or skip Thanksgiving and go on a solo trip when international prices may be cheaper. Create a life you love, not one you’re told to love.
Anon
A fat 401k and the ability to retire early!
Anon
+1
No Problem
I’ve been there too, and it’s hard. The only thing on that list I have is a house, and the prospects for the others are rather unlikely at this point (turned 40 this year). What kind of milestones resonate with you, and seem achievable? Financial (have $X in an emergency fund, have $Y in retirement savings)? Fitness (achieve X weight lifted, go on Y hikes)? Travel (travel to X new countries per year, have $Y in a travel fund)? Relational/social (go on 10 first dates in the next 2 months, go to brunch with friends twice a month)? I really should set these goals for myself, now that I’m writing them out…
Anon
This is a good post – I used to set dating goals for myself, like one blind date from
the apps per month. I kept it low because then it didn’t seem daunting and I was single for many years so I didn’t want to burn out. It can feel so crushing not to have dates work out – I really tried to use the mindset of going on a date was at least something different to do, rather than just staying home, and maybe I could at least enjoy a night out or make a new friend.
Anon
My sister is the world’s best aunt to my kids and celebrates their milestones so much with them. Could you be a mentor through big sisters? One of our inner city public schools uses volunteers to be room moms for their classes – you could reach out to a school if that interests you (my friend did that and recruited other friends to help and that is how the program started). I guess those aren’t milestones but they are things to celebrate doing. My cat recently celebrated his first birthday with a big party and all my friends brought him cat toys- there are so many cute theme ideas that I found on Pinterest! I see other replies had good ideas too. I got married late 30s so it really can happen for you later in life and even if it doesn’t, I hope you can find things in your life to celebrate. Solo travel trip, maybe save up for a solo spa retreat? Or find a cute boutique hotel and have a book vacation (my sister and I always daydream about doing that together one day). If it feels weird to ask friends to celebrate something with you, take the day off from work and schedule a staycation or something like that!
Anon
You don’t need a marriage to have a house and kids, so if those are things you really want, explore your options for making it happen.
In the meantime, decorate your space that you have in a way that feels most you and “grown up” for lack of a better term. If you have nieces or nephews, maybe spend extra time with them.
In terms of milestones, professional ones are the obvious next choice. But personal milestones like travel, learning a language, picking up new hobbies etc. can be so rewarding.
Anon
+1. I think many women get into the trap of thinking that the dream is house, marriage and kids as a package deal. I recognize that there are aspects that are easier with a husband, financial, reproduction and child-rearing. But one can buy a home solo, although the cost of the home and type of home might be different. One can be a single parent, whether through birth or adoption. Think outside the box. I know women who have created co-living arrangements with other women to create a community to raise kids as single parents. Think of the possibilities and work towards those.
Nesprin
It might be worth thinking about what you want a milestone for- to be celebrated by your loved ones? to feel a sense of accomplishment? To keep up with your social set & have something to brag about? To feel like you’re marking out time?
Anon
Bought myself a hot tub when I got tenure. Threw a catered party for two dozen friends when I paid off my house. Celebrate everything whenever you can!
NW Islander
I focus on building my career, savings milestones, and early retirement – by 50 if not sooner. I have started splurging on big experiences, like a big annual vacation and/or front row seats to a concert.
I have seen enough women get left in mid-life to realize that a career is more likely than a man to love me back. I wish that wasn’t the case, but it is statistically true. Men are 6-7x more likely to leave their sick wives. I don’t see many examples around me of partnered women that are loved well. I see many examples of women giving way more than they receive, and as I got past 40 I was suddenly glad not to be one of them.
Anon
It is hard. I didn’t get married or meet my husband until after 40, so I get it. Also, I’ve always celebrated my life and there’s a zillion things that are worth marking as significant. For me it was graduating from law school, passing the bar, getting my first apartment, my first home, promotions at work, new jobs, success with a personal hobby. I celebrated and still mark significant occasions that only have to do with me. I think I actually celebrated passing the bar with more fanfare than getting married.
Also, as an aunt, I’d take a counterpoint on all the “be a great aunt” suggestions. That’s great if it’s your jam but I don’t need kids or substitute kids to feel like my life is significant. I’m happy to send my niblings gifts and celebrate them, but it’s the least defining thing about me.
Runcible
I am a little older than the OP and never married. My milestones have turned out to be financial: Paid off car, purchased home (and to be paid off in a few years), paid of law school loans, reaching $X in my 401(k), annually funding my back-door Roth IRA, saving up enough $ to do XYZ. Feels good to file the paperwork associated with the pay-off milestones. And significant birthdays!
Anon
WWYD?
Parents were married forever. Mom was the family CFO. One sibling needed constant parental cash infusions (combo of deadbeat exes, lots of kids, low-paying and sporadic jobs). Mom died and apparently never discussed the one kid’s neediness or constant past cash gifts (other kid is self-sufficient). Would you urge the dad to keep supporting the one kid (who is now enraged that mom’s wishes aren’t getting followed re continued support)? Assuming that dad has enough funds to do so, other kid doesn’t have issues with it. No legal entitlement — mom left all non-joint assets to the dad.
For me, I’d urge the dad to keep the grandkids off the street but can see how this is a mess with expectations vs actual legal entitlements.
Anon
What is dad’s opinion on this? I would let him take the lead.
Anon
Who are you in all this?
I wouldn’t get involved unless it’s my circus.
Anon
Lol because it’s her family! Of course it’s her circus.
Anon
She doesn’t say that, it’s presented as this arm’s length question.
Anonymous
I would stay out of it. My father is competent and can decide for himself how much of his money he wants to spend on his children. And I would tell my sibling I’m not discussing it with them either.
Anon
+1
Anon
It’s the dad’s money and his decision. That being said, if dad can afford it and the other kid is okay with it – I don’t see why he wouldn’t provide some assistance.
Been There
+1, with emphasis on it’s dad’s decision. That said, I’d make sure dad has a really, REALLY strong understanding of finances before making said decision. That means a third-party opinion/financial advisor, for at least a one-time review of everything, if not also ongoing support and consultation.
FWIW, we have (had) this situation. FIL was CFO and died. MIL didn’t know where the money was, let alone how to pay a utility bill. SIL was getting money for years. DH never wanted their money (they didn’t have much anyway), so it didn’t bother him from a fairness perspective, but it was frustrating because we could see they couldn’t afford it in the long term. We got MIL a financial advisor and left it to them to figure it out. Advisor said “nope, you can’t keep doing this” and SIL got cut off. SIL was irate, and now blames the advisor for the decision, which is way easier than would-be blaming us if we had been the ones to lay out the (obvious) problem with it continuing.
Anon
I would 100% sign dad up for a meeting with a reputable financial advisor and let them be the bad guy.
anon
+1 on making sure Dad understands his finances and can really afford it, as in, these cash gifts aren’t going to leave him unable to pay for assisted living, etc if he needs it or make him worried about money. I’d be livid if gifts to a sibling left a parent unable to pay for their own care or worried about their finances.
Anon
+1
This is a great, great idea.
Try to find a fee-only financial advisor, that wont fleece “Dad”.
Veronica Mars
I’d stay out of this. There’s no way to win or a right answer unless you’re the surviving spouse and parent to the kid in question.
Cat
Sounds like it’s up to dad and everyone else should steer clear.
Anon
I am in a similar boat and I wish my parents stopped helping my sibling so much because there will come a time when they are unable to help her and the obligation will fall on me and my other siblings. Adult children need to be financially independent because parents will not be around forever. What is your sibling going to do when your father isn’t around anymore?
Anon
Exactly this. This also feeds into how your father will structure his Will. It’s generally a poor idea to give someone a huge lump sum when they are bad with money.
Anon
It’s dad’s money. He can do with it as he wishes.
But in your shoes, and I have been there, I’d let the grubbing sibling know today that when the money is gone that you are not going to step in to support them. I also had to let grubbing sibling know that our surviving parent’s money wasn’t going to outlive them, so there would definitely be a point where the money was gone.
Anonymous
I think there are two questions here: what kind of support is most useful and how to deal with family dynamics. It sounds like Mom had an ad hoc approach – sporadic gifts of cash. I’d vote for something defined – a small house or apartment, for example, paid for by the father. I don’t know what’s happening here, but sometimes people need more expectations in their life along with help. The father would have a defined contribution to the family and the sibling be forced to make up the rest. The family dynamics are terrifying to me. I don’t know how one child advises the parent on how to deal with the his or her sibling.
Anonymous
This. Was mom paying the landlord directly so he can afford a place to stay or was it cash for fun? Even helping him keep current on child support can be really important in a positive relationship with kids/ex-spouse.
Anon
If I were the dad, an “enraged” adult freeloader would make me want to dig my heels in against enabling them any further.
If I were the sibling and was confident dad was not being taken advantage of beyond his means, not my circus, not my monkeys.
anon
Send dad to financial advisor. If, and only if, you want to intervene … you could consider talking to dad about setting up something more formal (trusts) to take care of the grandkids or focusing paying for things directly for the grandkids rather than giving $$ to the daughter. If it is anything like the dynamics of families I’ve know, dad was was probably not happy with the arrangement for years. The only thing that would make me counsel differently is if the kid isn’t dad’s bio kid and there is another dynamic at play. In that case, I’d probably fight a little harder for the kid.
Hair advice
My frizzy hair is thinning and my hairline is receding (a bit). I’ve been wondering if a new haircut might help improve the look, and specifically if side bangs could hide the receding-ness. Although then I’ll need to de-frizz my hair daily, at least in the front, plus maybe side bangs will just increase the thin-ness right behind where the bangs fall? Happy to hear any advice. Thx. (And yes I’m seeing a derm and taking drugs for the hair loss.)
Anon
Chat with your stylist! I really trust mine and pretty much defer to her on things I’m questioning.
Anon
Have you seen a hair dermatologist about your receding hairline? Not all women loose a lot of hair with aging, and hairline receding is much less common. I have an autoimmune hair disorder that causes a receding hairline, and there are treatments. It’s good to check this out, as I started to loose my eyelashes and eyebrows too, which is not normal and is nice to reverse!
London Hotels
Any hotel recs for London? Ideally I’d like something centrally located, safe, in a walkable area, for ~£200/night. I’ll he traveling alone so safety is a big concern. I’d be willing to bump my budget up to £300-400 per night if necessary but would prefer not to…
My dream would be a cute little boutique hotel in a pretty, walkable almost-residential area where I can pop out for a coffee or make a grocery stop for snacks. Something that feels like I’m living like a local but not an Airbnb. Maybe this exists????
Anon
I had a great solo stay at the Dorset Square Hotel. It’s a really cute, centrally located boutique and the staff were really friendly. Rooms were small but stylishly designed and I enjoyed the proximity to the shopping in Marylebone and Mayfair. The immediate area felt quiet and residential, and I was comfortable walking alone at night.
London Hotels
My response got eaten earlier but this looks perfect!
NY CPA
What time of year are you going? If high season (summer or late Nov through Christmas), £200/night is likely tight. For example, I was in London the last week in June and my hotel room at a standard Hilton in southeast (so not even central) London was £450/night, but late August seems not as bad from a quick Google search.
That being said, some neighborhoods that fit the neighborhoody vibe you’re looking for while being safe and easily accessible to central London would be Islington / Clerkenwell, South Kensington / Earls Court, and Notting Hill / Bayswater. I don’t have specific recommendations for boutique hotels in those areas, but that’s where I’d center my search.
London Hotels
I’ll be there in mid-fall, so late September through mid-October. Flights are fairly inexpensive so I’m okay spending a bit more on a hotel…it seems like £300 is a fairly average nightly price for a nice hotel?
Anonymous
The Mandeville Hotel
Flats Only
I enjoyed a place called, literally, The Sloane Square Hotel. It’s been a few years, but it was comfy and affordable, and right on Sloane Square. Had a restaurant downstairs and a lounge upstairs with coffee, drinks, etc. which was a nice place to hang out without being in my room.
London Hotels
This looks great too! And the price is right :)
Anonymous
Try South Kensington area.
AnoNL
When I was travelling to London for business, I was staying in Zetter Hotel due to its proximity to the office. I liked the location, close to the metro, city center, restaurants, and the area is quiet at night.
AnoNL
The hotel I mentioned is in Clerkenwell.
Anonymous
In central London most areas are sort of residential apart from The City, parts of Kensington (lots of empty houses owned by rich foreigners), and the the main hotel blocks in Earl’s Court, Bayswater, Paddington, South Kensington, Bloomsbury and Victoria. Avoid the area around Leicester square, the most touristy of all places.
You will get coffee and groceries anywhere (put in Tesco metro or Sainsbury local locations in google maps- you can get vegetables, boiled eggs, fruit, hummus and Cadbury’s absolutely anywhere).
Most areas in central London are safe, so what makes you feel safe is probably more important. I quite like Earl’s Court, but some people might think it’s shabby or backpackery area, but there is lovely international food options, pubs and cafes (hotel rec: Hotel Indigo London – Kensington, which is right by Earl’s Court tube). Queensway has some of the same energy.
If you’d rather be in walking distance to West End theatre, Holborn, Bloomsbury and Fitzrovia are all good. There are hotels like The Bloomsbury and Numa London Bloomsbury, which are both very nice. Both are quite near to Tottenham Court Road, where lots of homeless people sleep at night, so if that would make you feel unsafe (you will certainly not be bothered, beyond maybe asked for some change outside the grocery store), that’s not an area for you. There are loads of students, and regular people out and about at all times.
Marylebone is very nice, but the hotel prices are higher than Bloomsbury. Pimlico is very lovely and residential. St John’s Wood is very nice. Islington west of Angel tube. The area between High Street Kensington and Notting Hill tube.
If you want to browse some really nice boutique hotels for inspiration, look at the Mr and Mrs Smith hotels’ page, they have great ones, like the Zettler and The Hazlitt. Personally I would just get a chain hotel in the area I want and choose location over boutique.
Sunday to Wednesday will be cheaper than Thursday to Sunday, since Sunday is the cheapest hotel night in the week.
Anon
Tell me whether this travel plan is crazy. It would be east coast city to Las Vegas (a 5 hour flight) on a Saturday morning, staying in Vegas for Saturday night, and flying home on Sunday morning. There is a musical artist that I REALLY want to see, but I can’t extend the trip because of work commitments. This would also be my first solo trip (aside from work travel). Am I crazy to go all the way to Vegas for one night?
Cat
No- people do this kind of thing a lot for Big Sportsball events.
Anon
If the work commitments are high-stakes, then don’t go. Likewise with missing the concert. The odds of one or both of your flights being delayed is too high for such a tight timeline.
anon
Disagree. I travel all of the time – 50+ flights a year to places foreign and domestic – and have had exactly one delay that lasted more than two hours in the past three years. The odds really aren’t that high if we’re talking actual numbers.
Anonymous
On the other hand, my last two trips included one delay of three hours and a 24-hour delay (which would have been 48 hours or more if not for a very resourceful gate agent).
Anon
You must not fly American. I think my last 20+ flights have been delayed by at least an hour, and probably half of them by at least 3 hours.
Anon
If you want to do it, go for it but be prepared for jet lag. If you are someone who doesn’t do well with it, I’d really consider if you will actually enjoy yourself if you’re exhausted.
Nina
This is fine, you should do it. I am someone who isn’t affected too much by jet lag, but people do do things like this all the time if they really want to be somewhere.
Anon
No, but I would consider doing a Friday night flight out if at all possible.
Anon
+1 otherwise you may miss the concert
Anon
This! If you can do a late Friday flight, go for it.
Anonymous
+1 And look up alternative routings ahead of time, check in early, no checked baggage.
Anonymous
I do this fairly regularly and it always works out fine, I’m in my early 30s and have noticed I get more tired now than I used to but it’s manageable.
Nesprin
Go! You’ll be miserably exhausted for the week afterwards, but some things are worth the hassle.
Anon
I’ve done this from NYC to LA for a wedding. Is it ideal? No. But it is fine. I would go!
DC Inhouse Counsel
Do it!! I’ve never regretted spending money/time on seeing a favorite musical artist. I was going to do this for a music festival in Vegas this fall but decided to really go all out and go to two days of the festival and get there a few days early for pre-festival concerts happening in Vegas, so I’m staying longer than one night.
Anon
Nope, I’ve done the same to go to a party in NYC on a Saturday night from the west coast. Flew out very early, went to the party and flew home the next morning. I’m feeling too old to pull that off now, but it’s what I did in my 30s when I had more work than time.
Anon
Get all your errands and housekeeping tasks done by Friday. Between the flight duration and time zones you won’t get back home until Sunday late afternoon at the earliest. You’ll be too wiped out to pick up groceries, meal prep, do laundry, etc.
Anon
I mean personally, I’m fine with having a less than perfect week from an errands and grocery standpoint. That’s what takeout was invented for.
Anonymous
I’ve done trips like this for work before. If you are okay with the risk of flight delays it will be tiring but fine,
Runcible
Do it — the experience is well worth it. I still remember visiting Fort Worth from the East Coast over a weekend many years ago, staying at a Sheraton right by “Museum Row” and visiting a Kara Walker retrospective and a visiting Chicago Art Institue exhibition. Enjoy!
Anon
A good friend of mine, age 47, was just diagnosed with aggressive colon cancer after his first screening. So two things:
1. Get your colon cancer screening as soon as you can — 45 with most insurances!
2. If anyone has this or similar experiences, what can I best do to help him and his family? I know it’s not great to ask “what can I do?” but I’m not sure how else to go about it. He has a wife and teenage daughters and I’ve offered to do carpooling or run errands, but I don’t want to put them in a position to have to ask for things. And I can’t tell whether he wants space or company, though I’ve asked. Any advice?
Anon
Has he started treatment, or is he in that awful limbo period where he knows what it is but no one’s doing anything yet?
Once he starts treatment, keep in touch and repeat your specific offers. My close friend had breast cancer. I would take PTO and drive her to some of her infusion appointments. I also took her to some emergency room visits. And outside of this, I’d just make sure to take her to lunch or invite her to group lunches so she wasn’t completely isolated. You know, something that’s not cancer-related and more like normal life.
She had two or three friends who would do this kind of thing, so as they say, it takes a village. She had a nasty, aggressive kind and she’s still kicking close to 10 years later, and in good shape!
Anon
Right now he’s in the awful limbo period. So I’m going to try to distract him this week with TV and walks and other such things. After that, though, your ideas here are very helpful. Thank you so much.
Anon
For a friend going through something similar in addition to coordinating child care/food many of us made sure to send low-key fun/silly texts on a semi-regular basis – silly memes, links to tiktok dances, light hearted articles, etc. Basically ‘we’re thinking of you and trying to cheer you up, but no need to respond if you’re not up to it’.
Anon
I’m so sorry this happened to your friend. I would definitely offer to help with carpools and perhaps gift cards to things like seamless and hospital visits. I’d also try to help with any paperwork or health insurance because that stuff always confuses me! If he is the main breadwinner, definitely give gift cards and help out where you can.
I also wanted to comment that I had colon cancer symptoms, mostly blood on TP and had a colonoscopy at 38. Do not neglect your health! Even if you only see a small amount of blood, get a colonoscopy and switch doctors if they disregard your concerns like my former primary doctor. The whole process from prep to procedures wasn’t fun but it’s literally one day of your life and can make a huge difference.
Anon
Agree with this. I had some bleeding at age 31, got a colonoscopy, and they found some non-cancerous polyps. Colon cancer is WAY on the rise among young people – if you have any symptoms in that area, call the doctor and push for an exam. It’s not “likely just hemorrhoids” in every case.
TelcoLadyJD
A note that if your iron is low, you can also qualify to get a colonoscopy before turning 45! After two pregnancies in three years, my iron was super low. I needed an endoscopy due to celiac disease, and insurance approved the colonoscopy at the same time due to the low iron levels/concern about bleeding. (Doc wasn’t actually concerned, it just made sense to have them both done while I was under anesthesia for the endoscopy!) I had a precancerous polyp removed at age 41.
Anonymous
Stage 3c Rectal Cancer Survivor here, age 45 at diagnosis (NED for 16 months and counting!)
Although the treatment was miserable, I really didn’t need help with day-to-day tasks like errands, groceries, food etc. The thing that absolutely meant the most to me were friends texting me every few weeks to check in how I was doing or that they were thinking of me – it absolutely broke or gelled friendships & family connections (and not the ones I expected!).
Treatment can go on for a long time – it was almost 9 months from the time I was diagnosed until the time I was ready to re-enter normal life. I felt perfectly fine during some weeks, and some weeks brought pain, fatigue etc. Surgery recovery was hard.
Colontown.org & the associated Facebook groups are good resources.
Nonny
+ 1 million get screened!!!!!! I am going to Target later today, what can I pick up for you? I am making lasagna and chocolate cake this weekend, what time can I drop it off for you? I am free Sat afternoon to take kids where they need to go if that works? I am sending you a meal and dessert through XYZ meal service, which of the following items are your favorites because I want you to have something that you really like. I can mow/weed your garden/drop off your dry cleaning, is that helpful or are there other things that you need done instead, I am happy to do that as well. Offer to drive him to med. appts and or to pick up things that they need at CVS. Send the most beautiful inspirational cards/book/magazine/reels of the type that you know he likes. You get the picture. One friend picked up oranges for vitamin C and bananas for potassium, was so grateful and glad to have short visit for dropoff. I was so weak after Stage 4 cancer surgery I could not even peel a potatoe, so one friend told me she was going to stock my frig with meals and I was so grateful but it never happened-devastating in my weak condition, still love her but wish she had not given me this expectation so whatever you promise make sure you follow through and on time that you promise! Keep visits short unless friend and wife literally beg you to stay because exhaustion from cancer and/or treatments is real but it is hard to tell a friend that you are too tired to visit anymore. If there is a Gildas clubhouse in his state (Gilda Ratner of SNL) share their offerings with him, they do support gps/financial programs/Improv classes/nutrition and so much more, in person and virtual. a Godsend to be in a group where you can share the heartbreak/grossness/anger and more with people who really get it because they are going through the same things even if they have a different type of cancer. Love, prayers and big hugs to friends family and you who sound like a wonderful friend. Please how he is doing later if you care to, miracles DO happen. Last year told I have 3-4 years to live, 2 months ago scan showed I am in remission with NED (No Evidence of Disease)!!!