Coffee Break: Bauble Hair Ties

92 Comments

1. Any advice on finding a great mattress/pillows? I long for a comfortable bed.

   I will go to a ?store and try mattresses I guess, but I wonder how the heck you can know what mattress is best for you until you buy it and sleep on it for awhile? I’m not sure what I want, except it can’t be too soft.

   My issues are a lot of aches/pains in the night. Back/neck.

   1. I will put in a plug for Plushbeds latex mattresses. I actually got the hybrid and love it. Many others have slept in it and all agree it is a very comfortable mattress. (No, I don’t mean I sleep around a lot, just have had dog sitters and guests, etc.)

      1. We also have a latex foam (not memory foam) mattress and love it. Ours is a discontinued BH&G floor model that the mattress store had on steep discount a decade ago. We awkwardly laid down on all the mattresses in the store and weren’t really sure how to figure out if they were good or bad until we tried this one. It felt so different from the other options and it was obvious this was the one for us.

         OP – for reference, I also deal with back pain and prefer firm support. This latex mattress fits the bill. It also sleeps smoother than an innerspring (I don’t feel like I am on a boat when my husband tosses and turns next to me), and seems to temperature regulate better than the innerspring it replaced.

   2. I always used to check mattress tags at AirBnBs and rental cabins. This helped me discover that I really like $13,000 mattresses (no kidding!), but more usefully, what the features and composition I like and dislike are. The features I wanted were available in a mail order company mattress, and I’m very happy with the one I got. Never stepped foot in a mattress store.

   3. if it’s your back/neck it could just be the way your body is aligned while sleeping – you may want to look at a pillow to tuck between your knees at night, or a special pillow for the way you sleep (i have one that has a cutout for my shoulder since i’m a side sleeper)

   4. I recommend that you do go to a mattress store and lay on the mattresses.

      Do some online research based on the way you sleep (stomach, back, side). That will help inform you of whether you need plush (soft), medium, firm or extra firm. if you weigh more, you’re going to want a more firm mattress, generally.

      A few recs–if you have Costco, they have a very good return policy.

      If there is a Macy’s Home near you, they allow returns within 90 days, and you have to pay a $150 restock fee, which, in my opinion, is worth it, if you don’t like the mattress. I find their people very knowledgeable and not too pushy.

      Many of the “bed in a box” foam mattresses offer a 1-year guarantee. In general, these mattresses are mostly less supportive, but some people really like Casper and Purple.

      You may want to consider an adjustable mattress like Sleep Number. It may be more expensive, but if you can dial it to where you like it, worth it.

      1. I often sleep on my stomach, but I like firm with a topper. I need the mattress to be supportive. It’s easier to get the softness right with a topper in my opinion. I went with a combination of coils, latex, and wool for the mattress.

   5. OK honest question- how do you get rid of your old mattress when you order a new one and have it shipped? I don’t have a truck. It keeps me buying my next mattress from a proper brick and mortar store with delivery, because they’ll take the old one with them when they bring the new one.

      1. My city does free mattress disposal. I submitted a form online and they came the next morning, super easy! I’ve moved around a lot and it’s different everywhere, but I always just google what I want to get rid of and my city name and find all kinds of useful information.

      2. Post on your neighborhood FB group if someone will do a dump run. You’ll pay $75 to $100 and some energetic young person working the gig economy will come take it.

         1. So you definitely have to factor the price of disposal into buying a mattress online….

      3. If you order from Costco and pay extra, they are supposed to take the old mattress away for you when they deliver the new. I had bad luck with it (bad delivery person), but maybe you won’t?

   6. Hotel mattresses. We have a four seasons mattress in our room and a Westin heavenly bed in our guest room. They’re amazing, highly recommend. I’ve posted before but I also bought all the four seasons bedding so it’s a luxe hotel in our house every night. Completely worth every cent.

2. Does anyone here consider themselves “single at heart”? Meaning, you are single and have no interest in dating or marrying. I think that’s about where I’m at. I’m 31. I dated a guy for 4 years in my mid twenties and left that relationship brokenhearted. I then spent 4 years single, occasionally getting on the apps and going on (usually horrible) dates. I recently dated someone for 7 months, but I broke up with him last weekend for a multitude of reasons. Now, I’m feeling like I have no desire to date again. I’m just so much happier single. Does it get lonely sometimes? Yeah, occasionally. But it’s also comfortable, I have my own time and space, I’m not exhausted by entertaining someone else every weekend. I can do what I want when I want. I get to sleep alone. I also don’t want children, so that’s not a factor. Will I regret spending my thirties, and possibly the rest of my life, single?

   1. Ultimately you should do what makes you happy, but one thing that stands out to me in your post is that you mention the inconveniences of dating and not the positives. I’ve found that when I’m depressed, I’m likely to say things like “going out with friends just isn’t worth it – parking is always hard and it interferes with sleep.” It becomes really easy to let minor issues dominate the whole narrative when in reality, friendships and relationships have lots of rich, rewarding traits too. Something to think about, but if you can honestly say that you feel like your best self when you’re not dating anyone, then that’s what’s right for you.

      1. What are the positives to dating?

         1. Unconditional love, mutual adoration and care, someone to take care of you when you’re sick, comfort you when you’re sad, give you hugs and kisses, cradle you in their arms, binge-watch shows with, giggle and be silly with. Besides my family, my partner is the #1 biggest thing in my life I’m grateful for and I feel like the world feels like a happier place just knowing he’s in it. He knows every part of me in a way no one else does and it’s like having a best friend to tackle life with.

            1. I guess I just don’t identify with or want any of those things

            2. That’s interesting. No judgment, but can you say why you don’t want any of those things?

         2. Support.
            When I’m sick or just need help, when I’m struggling financially, when I need a cheerleader, when I need to talk it out, when I want to do something fun or something outside of my comfort zone, he’s there.

            A witness to my life (and me to his). It’s a wonderful feeling of sharing and building memories together, and “bearing witness” to each other’s lives. Of course sharing a house with a beloved female friend can bring that too!

            Balance strengths and weakness. I’m practical and also decisive, he’s a dreamer and thoughtful. I’m “live for now” and he’s a saver. I’m a bit more socially savvy (we’re both autists, another thing I find helpful about marriage is someone “gets” me, something that is so huge for us ND people), and can help him with social stuff, he’s my “peace” after a long day of being “on” at work.

            Someone to put first–being married I feel keeps me less selfish and more forgiving and keeps me flexible emotionally.

            **Dating** doesn’t bring that but dating is the interview and onboarding step to the wonderful long term stuff. Dating also meant I got to dress up and wear the fun makeup :P

   2. I don’t think this mindset has to be final. You could want to be single for the next 5 years and decide to date again. If you do want to be single forever that’s fine too but you don’t have to necessarily commit to one or the other right now. If you’re happy being single, then enjoy it!

   3. At 31, I completely felt this way. I had a similar history, and I stopped dating altogether. I did not feel lonely, I felt happy with my life and my choices. Then, while I was not looking whatsoever, at 34 I met my now husband. Interestingly, he also was not looking at all. We had mutual friends, and reconnected when I heard he had long COVID; I reached out to check in on him and how he was doing, and the rest became history. I think embracing the desires you have in the moment will bring you what is meant for you in this department. Maybe that will be remaining single and loving that lifestyle, with its freedom and all the liberation that comes with it. Maybe that will be a completely surprise relationship, like me. Having lived both, I’d say they were both magical in their own ways.

   4. As someone who actually has been single for years, it’s been a hot week of you being single get over yourself with the grand pronouncements

      1. I was single and alone for years, but I never made rude comments like that.

      2. Rude phrasing but I agree with the sentiment. Getting out of an unhappy relationship is a relief. Going through a tough breakup can make you cautious. Bad dates suck. But none of this means you will be or should be single forever. Are your friends coupled up, having kids, or moving to the suburbs? Are you someone who joins activities and makes new friends easily? Things might be great as a singleton right now but it can get lonely fast when your friends move onto a different life stage. Take some time by yourself after this breakup but don’t permanently rule out relationships.

      3. Did you miss the part where she was single for years before that?

      4. Rude.

   5. My mom has been single most of her adult life. She just putters around the house and talks to her two kitties and is genuinely happy. I can remember her saying since high school that she’s just so happy single. She’s an introvert and a neat freak, so she’s perfectly happy not having to talk to anyone or (especially) clean up after anybody. She also had a heavily extroverted job for 30 years, and sometimes she’ll quip that she’s already talked to all the people she ever intends to 😉

   6. Most of my happiest friends (late 50s – early 60s) are long-term single.

   7. I have spent most of my adult life partnered. After exiting a relationship 11 months ago, I have no desire to date. As you said, I really enjoy my freedom and having complete control over my schedule and home. I love that I get the whole bed and don’t have to wear earplugs because of a snoring partner. All the energy I previously put into my romantic relationship I can put into other relationships and self-development. I have found that my friends and family relationships have deepened and I’ve gotten to explore new hobbies and interests. Once I got over the pain of the break up, I’ve loved the freedom! There are so many benefits to being single but we receive so many messages about how we need to partner up. I have decided to lean into it with the understanding that if I change my mind, I can always get on the apps.

      I can’t find the original source but this article discusses why single childless women are so happy: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/202102/why-so-many-single-women-without-children-are-happy

   8. You just broke up with some, it’s fine to give it a minute. I’ll detract from all the “it’s amazing being single” comments and say nothing in my life has been as fulfilling as my marriage. It came after kissing a lot of frogs and having a lot of terrible relationships. Not everyone has to go through that, it’s a lot of luck and timing. Don’t settle or get married for the sake of it, but don’t close off the idea either. And life is long, you don’t need to meet him or her this very second.

   9. When you were in that four year relationship, did you enjoy it? Did you feel like it added to your life?

      I hate dating. It is a deep and profoundly loathing, to the point where I once took an entire 2+ year break from it. It ruined my mood, ruined my outlook…. I was just better off mentally and emotionally when I wasn’t actively trying to date, especially using apps. I liked a lot of things about being single but knew that I wanted a long-term partner. I had no desire to *date.* If I followed that desire, I never would have found my now-partner. I still find that I miss some things about being single, but he adds so much to my life that it feels worth it to me to “give up” those things (total control over what I do and when, ability to protect my energy). I will also say that my friendships changed from when I was your age to now (39) and I am even more appreciative of my partner. Friends have moved, making friends is even harder, friends hang out wayyyy less than when I was 31. I think I’d be pretty lonely without my partner now in a way I wasn’t lonely back in my late 20s/early 30s, but YMMV.

   10. Hating dating and being happily single were part of how I figured out I was Ace & Aro.

   11. I’d way rather be single than in a relationship with a bad or mediocre guy, but I’d way rather be with my current partner than go back to being single. I would’ve happily stayed single if I couldn’t find him though – it’s a joyful thing to be a happy woman on your own, living for yourself. My partner is my best friend though and being with him is so deeply healing and wonderful, I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

       No need to base your worth on being in a relationship OR make grand pronouncements about swearing off of love. Do what feels right for you and allow that to change with time.

       1. Is no one able to comment on this board anymore without it being a “grand pronouncement”?

   12. I was single for 15 years. And I mean not a single date in that period. I was effectively single for another five before, with a couple of short stints and hookups. I have always been considered some level of attractive, though it my spot on the spectrum varied over time, I made a good income, I have never been called “crazy” and suffer no actual mental illness, I have friends, and my co-workers like me. I just didn’t make any effort and spent most of my time at work and at home. At 45 I started going out more due to some changes in both work and home life and randomly met someone and we dated for two years. It was not a great relationship and it ended. About six months later I had some casual encounters and then met a man I have been dating for more than 2 years. I never thought I’d date again after being single for so long. I didn’t even think about it, really, and I made no effort at all. But then there were people I wanted to spend time with, and now one I want to commit to. Life is long. You don’t have to label yourself or make a long-term decision to be alone. Just be.

3. I think there are a few doctors reading — how would you say you dress for work? My cousin is graduating med school and her mom asked me for suggestions on where to shop, nice gifts or giftcards, etc.

   1. Not a doctor but in healthcare. This is going to depend on her specialty. If she is an intensivist, that probably means scrubs. If she is 100% outpatient it will range from scrubs to business attire.

      1. Just saw med school, not residency. Same answer totally depends on what her residency is.

   2. I’m a doctor, agree that it depends on what type of residency she’s doing. However, even if she’s in scrubs for hospital work, the majority of residents will have some outpatient clinical responsibilities. For these, I usually wore my white coat over fairly plain business casual attire, but this can vary by geography. Where I attended medical school in the SEUS, dresses and skirts were quite common. For residency and subsequent practice, I ended up in the PNW, which is much more about practical attire and comfort. The big thing will be closed-toed shoes (OSHA standards) that she can wear all day long. Unless she’s in pathology, she’ll be on her feet a lot. She should be able to find reliable professional attire at Ann Taylor, Banana Republic, and similar stores. Dasko clogs are sort of a cliche among medical folks, but for good reason!

   3. As a resident in the hospital …. likely scrubs and clogs. You will be wearing a white coat on top of everything, so honestly, much is hidden. Women have a lot more options, but comfort and simplicity when not wearing scrubs. Flats or oxfords. Lots of ankle pants. Simple shirts/shells, cardigans. We did a lot more examining patients/bending etc.. than most doctors do now, and no one wore skirts/dresses as a resident. On feet all day and sometimes literally running, so comfort is key.

      When I graduated a relative gave me a generous gift card to Nordstrom. Agree that J. Crew, Banana republic, Ann Taylor are fine. No one is a fashion plate in residency.

   4. My sister is a hospital RN, so I’m going by that, but she wears clogs every single day & says all of the female doctors do too. She likes the Dansko Pro ones that are kind of snazzy (sparkles, metallic, etc.), but for someone just graduating, I’d probably go with a basic color like black or brown. Dark is good.

   5. A gift card to the scrub brand Figs would be great! I always had access to free hospital issued scrubs but since becoming an attending (aka graduating residency and completing all my training) I have really enjoyed a nice pair of scrubs that fit well and flatter. They also have jackets, undershirts, socks, shoes, and cute accessories if scrubs aren’t going to a regular thing for her.

4. Question for the hive, has anyone found any online forums, books, etc. that are helpful for dealing with autistic parents? Not advice for parents of children, but for the children dealing with their aging parents. It’s a long story, but let’s just say parenting the parents is challenging.

   1. No advice, but I’m curious – are the parents aware that they are autistic? I ask because there are a lot of diagnosed neurodivergencies in my family among the grandchildren (current Gen alpha/gen Z). Clearly it is an inherited trait, and the aunts/uncles (millenials/Gen-X’ers) are coming to grips with not being diagnosed as kids (lots of high IQ/high masking presentations). However, not a single one of the boomer grandparents accepts the diagnosis (so much labeling things these days!) or thinks of themselves as autistic. And I’m talking textboook behaviors – sensory issues, meltdowns, going non-verbal, intense special interests/hobbies, etc. along with many of the usual comorbidities (ADHD/dyslexia/EDS/POTS).

      1. Honestly, does it matter? I’m sure there are tons of people in small towns like this even today, especially for girls.

      2. OP – Mom is actually aware. Of all things, Love On The Spectrum was what made it click for her. How this was the thing that made it click is forever a mystery to me.

   2. i see what you mean, it’s hard to find because the words you’re searching with take you to parent groups for autistic kids or group living for young autistic adults. 2 things that may be helpful:
      https://www.reddit.com/r/AutisticAdults/comments/16lqmmr/support_group_for_children_of_autistic_parents/
      https://www.iadvanceseniorcare.com/caring-for-seniors-with-autism/
      https://www.retireguide.com/guides/seniors-autism-spectrum/

      I will say that if you’re really having challenges it may have crossed the line from autism into mental illness, and I know NAMI has caregiver groups. (But obviously not all autistic people are mentally ill.)

   3. Are they diagnosed? Or you believe they are?

5. Another medical question: I am 50+ and so is my spouse. What do geriatricians do? And should we be looking for one (if now, when)? I am in good shape but spouse has sleeping issues, hearing loss, high cholesterol, etc and is overweight. At some point, I like my doctors being older than I am or at least familiar with my issues (but for me, that’s more on the gym side than the general patient care side). Our doctors are all getting younger and we are not. (And if not for us, we still have living parents: possibly for them?).

   1. Whether it’s a geriatrician or just a really excellent internist or primary care doctor, the good doctors do eventually fill up and quit taking new patients. So I think it’s a good idea to get established and build a good relationship with a MD/DO doctor who is good and who will be available when needed (vs. the new stranger of the week experience may practices offer that may have been totally adequate at younger ages!). This is what we encouraged my parents and my in-laws to do, and it’s been a great relief now that they have a consistent doctor they can see as things come up (so far it’s been small things like needing shingles vaccines, minor injuries from exercising, catching what is going around, but what’s happened is that they call their doctor whose name they know and not their kids). What we looked for was just someone who they could relate to and could hopefully trust.

   2. Geriatricians are more for ages 70 and higher. Everything you describe for your spouse is well within the skillset for your usual outpatient internist. If you don’t have confidence that your current PCP can manage his conditions, I’d look for a new internist, but no need to find a geriatrician.

      1. +1 only on this site is a 50 year geriatric!!

         1. And also going to assisted living!

   3. I think they’re for older patients. Regular family doctors should be able to advise generally on the aging process for you both in your 50s. My parents are in their 70s and grandparents in their 90s. Grandparents did not start seeing a geriatric doctor until around 85.

   4. You’re young for one. One important thing (good) geriatricians do is to confirm your medicines are still appropriate – as you get older, polypharmacy becomes a big issue (many drugs for chronic conditions can mean many interactions) and they can help de-prescribe appropriately. Most PCPs and specialists are loathe to take you off meds that were prescribed by others.

      Then there are the conditions that impact older people disproportionately – dizziness, UTIs leading to altered mental status or sepsis, chronic dehydration, failure to thrive, etc.

      1. I’d love one if they are the people who maybe are good at gently finding out if driving is still wise, if they get adequate nutrition (and can steer them to Meals on Wheels), if their hearing aids maybe are t working or there is an ear wax build up. There is a lot of value there, especially for older adults who do t have kids or a spouse and live alone.

         1. I don’t know what the answer is, but someone who went to medical school and residency seems overqualified for these things.

            1. +1000 perhaps a geriatric social worker

6. meal preppers– i am on something of a “cook a batch and freeze for lunch” kick. The problem is that the only things i can think to make are variations on lasagna– cheese, tomato sauce… what are other things that people make that freeze well? extra points if low carb and/or law calorie.

   1. Egg bake
      Stuffed peppers
      Crockpot or roasted chicken with salsa
      Any kind of bean dressed up any number of ways

      1. please expand on the dressing up of beans…. sounds enticing

         1. Just seeing this. I’ll report on today’s thread too. But I love making a big pot of dried beans of any kind in the instant pot. I keep a batch in the fridge for a few days worth of meals and put some in jars and freeze them so they are easy to pull out for work lunches. I usually chuck in an onion and garlic into the pot and then vary the spices: cumin/paprika/oregano, Italian seasoning, some random spice blend, just S/P. Depending on how I’ve seasoned them and what I am feeling, I will warm them up alone or over some sturdy green lurking in the fridge, then top with cheese (cheddar, parm, feta–whatever goes or whatever I have), and often a spoon full of yogurt. It is so warm and nourishing and easy while also being infinitely variable.

   2. It’s not helpful yet, but I do a lot of soups in the winter and they freeze well.

   3. Lentil dishes freeze well! Also soups and stews (which I eat year round)

   4. Here are some recipes I’ve made and frozen:

      Signature, Spicy, Smoky, Sweet Chili – Iowa Girl Eats
      Coconut Milk Braised Black Pepper Chicken with Sweet Potatoes – Half Baked Harvest
      Creamy Ham & Potato Soup – Ahead of Thyme
      Zuppa Toscana – Budget Bytes

      If you’re looking for low calorie stuff, check out Skinnytaste.

   5. Try the breakfast burrito/quesadilla category – husband likes doing a potato, bacon, egg one, but my favorite is beans/egg/onion

   6. Curries, soups, chilis, stews.

   7. i really like stealth health recipes for freezing, although i refuse to microwave chicken breasts so i often sub beans or another protein.
      i freeze just this beef/cheese mixture, microwave it, and then put it in whatever wrap i have on hand
      https://www.tiktok.com/@stealth_health_life/video/7231705838530858283?lang=en

      i’ve also made this “cheesy taco rice” recipe but swapped/mixed cauliflower rice, and added beans
      https://www.tiktok.com/@scaseyfitness/video/7276139538504846625

   8. Meatballs, stuffed peppers, soups

   9. Check your local library – before it was called “meal prepping” there was a huge wave of frozen-meal cookbooks that came out with recipes. Frozen Assets is one that comes to mind.

   10. enchiladas or enchilada casserole (New Mexico thing, I think) freeze well and taste great reheated

7. Paging Cait: I posted a long answer to your question about restaurants in Cincinnati in the morning thread, which appears to be in moderation but hopefully will be out soon. If you have any more specific questions or want other Cincy recommendations, let me know – it’s a beautiful city, particularly if you like hills and Art Deco architecture.

   1. Yes your post made it through moderation and was phenomenal! Way more suggestions than I’d hoped for, thank you so much. Your list makes me wish we were staying longer than we are!

8. What would you do question- DH and I bought a small vacation home a while back but due to illness with a family member ended up moving within an hour of the vacation home location, so we found we just don’t use it anymore. The market is so slow where it is, we could not sell it for what we paid for it. There is still a mortgage. We could do a long term renter but the long term rental rates would not cover the mortgage. Or Airbnb, which would be the most lucrative but seems like a lot of work. We will likely let it sit and see how the market looks next year. Any other ideas I am not exploring?

   1. Are there managed vacation rentals through a local real estate agency?

      1. Yes there are property management companies that will do the day to day management for a portion of the rentals.

   2. Selling the house at a loss right now. How much is it costing you to keep a house you’re not using compared to investing that money in something else? How likely is it that prices will go up significantly in the near future? How much work does it take to maintain compared to time you have available?

      1. +1. How much will the mortgage, taxes, and utilities cost for another year? What about other services like landscaping, housecleaners, exterminator, electrician, security company for the alarm, etc? Is it in a location that’s prone to weather related damage like flooding, trees falling during a storm, cold snaps that make your power go out or pipes burst?

   3. I think this all depends on what the relative prices are. How much would you lose by selling it now? How much would you be short if you did a long term rental? Are you prepared to handle the problems that come with bad tenants?

   4. Totally depends on your market. Where I am vacation homes keep appreciating but they’re hard to sell right now because the market has softened. If you’ve got a decent piece of property, I’d hang onto it until things generally rebound and reassess down the road. Also, why not use it in the meantime? Our vacation home is about 1.5 hours from where we live and work, but feels a million miles away.

9. I love tortoise shell barrettes for my hair (and like this type of option, too.) Sometimes it’s nice just to have something pretty in your hair.

   1. I’ve found some basic ones at Walmart, a few fancy French ones on Amaz*n, but open to ideas for new ones as I love to wear my hair in barrettes, so any other ideas of where to buy? Anthropologie is a bit pricy….

10. Best at home “after the kids go to bed” date night ideas for tired working professionals? We don’t want to hire babysitters but I’d like something more engaging than board games.

    1. movies? a proper dinner? the stuff you usually do can be made a bit more intentional (like you rotate who picks the movie, who cooks or plans dinner…)

    2. There are some fun at-home “escape rooms” where you have to solve a bunch of puzzles to reveal the final answer. We did one called “The Professor’s Last Riddle” that was really fun. Some IRL escape room businesses also offer virtual options that you can do from anywhere. Similarly, there are mystery jigsaw puzzles where you read a story then assemble the puzzle to find the clues to solve the mystery.
       Some other ideas if you enjoy creative stuff:
       Any chance that you play musical instruments? You could learn a duet together. My spouse and I started doing this during the pandemic (violin and cello), though we ended up setting it aside as life got busier.
       Does drawing or painting sound fun at all? Like paint-by-number kits? Or an online art class you could do together?
       Dig up some writing prompts and write separately for 20 minutes, then exchange what you’ve written.
       Would you enjoy a joint baking project?
       Taking an online class together?

    3. Do you like trivia? there are some really fun ones through Roku, or Netflix, etc.

    4. We are a bit dorky about this but we will listen to a podcast or read an article and then discuss. It’s like a mini book club for just the two of us. We have also done some questions or worksheets from marriage counseling. And sometimes we do our own charcuterie board but try not to drink on the weekdays because of work, but sometimes have a glass of wine on the weekends when we do this.

    5. Cook or order in a fancy/expensive meal (that the kids would not appreciate at their age), enjoy the meal, then have sex.
       Read poems to each other, then have sex.
       Watch a old movie together, then have sex.
       Work on a jigsaw puzzle together, then have sex.
       Listen to some music together in front of a crackling fire in a fireplace, then have sex
       You get the picture!

11. Reposting due to mod: I am the interviews-but-not-offers poster from the 8th afternoon thread. First of all, thank you so much to those commenters who answered and made suggestions there and on the the 9th thread, I really appreciate your helpful and empathetic responses. I have been listening to “How Women Rise” suggested by one of the commenters and there are clear gems in there. My big takeaway from there as well as from NYNY’s advice from yesterday regarding finding a sponsor is I need to spend more time promoting myself. I am in a somewhat technical role (management of a technical team) and under me there is much more emphasis on quality of work than self-promotion. Above me there is very little emphasis on work quality and it’s all about highlighting accomplishments, some of which are objectively mediocre and provoke my internal eyerolls (I now see the value of killing this mindset completely). I am accountable for work quality and client communication, but I’m realizing that team- and self-promotion is just as, if not more, important to feed up the internal chain. I need to rebalance my time.
    Another realization I’ve come to is that I need better salesmanship when it comes to strategic ideas. In many cases, I propose what seems like an obvious way to address a future issue (i.e. anticipated lack of specific job materials, or old-new worker wage disparities that will clearly lead to high turnover or unionization, or an obvious-to-me trend of client exiting a certain market, or a new revenue stream that doesn’t require additional hires) and my ideas are treated as radical and almost like meddling. Inevitably, I am right, and either the worst-case scenario happens or my ideas are adopted after several months of wishy washiness, and my boss takes the credit. In fact, there was one specific time during an annual review where he told me that a concrete savings idea we implemented, that I’d been pushing for before he joined the org, was his and not mine so I can’t put that in my YE accomplishments. I folded saying something like yes, he gets the credit for getting approval for it. Now I feel like an idiot. I can safely assume that all of my above issues with essentially communication translate into what yesterday’s 1:05 Anon mentioned regarding interviewees’ tendency to address the situation at hand rather than its future implications. So, lots to work on and I would love any additional strategy recommendations on this front.
    Someone mentioned an executive coach – has anyone used one and can speak to what they were able to accomplish? I think there used to be a regular poster, Coach Laura, on here who maybe did something like this?
    Again, thank you, various commenters, for your help! I can’t say how much I appreciate this community.

    1. I think you posted this before and are looking for more guidance. I’m going to tell you the answer isn’t in books, it’s not about your big ideas, and it’s not about an official sponsor. If you want to get promoted, what you really need are friends. By that I mean you need a lot of people who like you and think well of you and would want to be led by you. It’s more ephemeral than what you’re describing. You get there by being the person who understands the struggles and helps people move forward. You get there by being someone people like working with. Focus on networking with your colleagues.

       1. This is well put. Doing well at your actual job is like half of it. Having a large enough groundswell of support that different functions will go to bat for you is the other half.

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