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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I’m always on the lookout for tops that feel like T-shirts but have a little something extra to elevate them. This crewneck top from Banana Republic Factory has a satiny look to it that would pair well with a blazer and dark-wash jeans for a great “Friday before a three-day weekend” look.
I think the “sterling gray” would be a nice neutral to have on hand, but this top also comes in “passion punch” and “hula green” in lucky sizes.
The top is $24.99–$29.97 at Banana Republic Factory and comes in sizes XXS–XXL.
Lands' End has a plus-size option; it's available in sizes 18W–34W in five colors and is on sale for $26.97.
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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Anon
I have decided that my 15 degree sleeping bad doesn’t cut it and I need a 0 degree bag (and I’ve never used a quilt before). Do any of you have one you love? I’m doing more and more backpacking (3x last winter) but still a lot of car camping. 3 pounds is a good weight (vs 6)? Side sleeper. Tent camper (vs hammock, which I may try this summer but probably will leave me too cold in the winter). Eyeing the REI sale but not limited to there.
Anoneighmys
Instead of buying another bag, I opted for the Sea to Summit Reactor Extreme Liner and have been very, very happy with the decision. It adds minimal volume and weight to my pack, can be used on its own for hot summer camping, helps minimize funk in the bag, does make the bag warmer and is super easy to wash.
Anon
OP here. I have that and love that. Still cold. Have been sleeping in a coat also when below freezing. Still cold.
Anonymous
Perhaps a cabin?
Anon
Would love that. Pre-COVID, I’d have never have camped. I fell in with a camping crowd and like them so much I will skip the cabin just for the adventures. If it were just me, day hike + good hotel + restaurant.
Mid West
I have the Big Agnes Sunbeam and I am pretty happy with it in Michigan. It is a hybrid mummy — not so tight that you can’t sleep on your side & cut for hips. It is like a fitted sheet on the bottom, so you don’t roll off of your pad in the middle of the night. I usually car camp, so don’t put it in the compression sack… I’m not sure how small it gets, if you care about that. I was also eyeing their 3-in-1 systems and just bought one from the REI sale…. will be using it next weekend for the first time!
Anon
Is your Sunbeam a 0 or a 15? I’m seeing a 15.
One issue is that my 15 may be so old (15+ years, when my husband was a cubmaster) that it doesn’t really function as a 15. We store it not compressed, but maybe that is why I am so cold.
Mid West
I have a sunbeam 0 — they also have at 15 & 30, I think. You are supposed to store not compressed — if you store compressed, then the loft will permanently pack down and make it less warm. It could be that you are due for new one after 15 years, though! There are two different ratings — the “you won’t die at this temp” (T-Limit) and the “normal sleepers in long underwear are comfortable” (T-Comfort.) Take a look at the T-Comfort ratings when you are looking at bags — REI has these ratings listed on their specs and the T-Comfort will vary for 0 degree bags.
Anonymous
Have you tried washing it to fluff it back up?
Also, is it a women’s-specific style? A women’s bag will have more insulation than a men’s bag with the same temperature rating.
Anon
I wouldn’t necessarily recommend my 0-degree bag as it’s nothing special, but if I were you I’d look at Outdoor Gear Lab for reviews if you haven’t already and check out the mountaineering brands like Mountain Hardware.
Brrr
I have an older rei womens 0 rated (magma? Igneo?) synthetic fill. Will also use a liner in winter. It is comfortable but big/heavy. The style I have is discontinued but I think they carry something similar.
I also have a disco 15 which I love so I bet their colder rated bags are also good.
Anon
I am hitting the perimenopause lumpiness and am diving deep into fuller longer skirts and dress bottoms. Not sure I will ever go back to sheaths and pencil skirts. OK to go hog wild on all the sales this weekend?
anon
We recently bought a house and the sellers left a few things behind. Small pieces of furniture and a TV. They’re all in excellent condition but just not our style. I’d like to sell them but FB Marketplace and Craigslist seem too scammy. I listed it on Marketplace and had two “people” contact me, both of which were clearly not real. Any suggestions?
Anon
If you’re just trying to get rid of them and not turn a profit, my guess is you just listed them at too high a price. I have gotten rid of tons of stuff the past few months by listing items low on FB Marketplace and people snap them right up. My prices have been say, $15 for an Ikea office chair, $20 for an old, low-quality dresser. Same as I would price it for a garage sale. I see it as a win-win– I get rid of the stuff that’s been languishing in my basement and someone gets a great deal. If something doesn’t sell right that means it probably never will so I either lower the price or donate it.
As far as scammy-ness, I give it to the first person who responds to the ad and if they are weird/cagey I just move on to the next person in line. I put in all my descriptions “pickup only, located in [neighborhood].” Honestly everyone who has come to pick something up has been extremely kind and grateful for getting a good deal. This probably varies my location, but I’m in a mid-size east coast city.
Personally, I see this as less hassle than bringing the item to the dump or scheduling a pickup with my garbage service.
anon
Sorry, nesting fail
anon
100%
Vicky Austin
Do it and revel in it.
Anonymous
I find that a lot of the fuller silhouettes enhance the lumpiness or create the appearance of lumpiness where none exists. Those elastic-waist dresses that are so popular now are one example. They’re fine if the elastic is high enough to keep the waist of the dress sitting slightly above your natural waist, and if the skirt flares out gradually from the elastic. But I just tried on one where the elastic sat low and loose at my natural waistline and the dress was a huge tube of fabric that was just cinched at the waist by the elastic with no shaping. It created the illusion of massive saddlebags.
Nine times out of ten, I think a well-tailored sheath dress gives the most flattering and polished look, regardless of body size or shape.
anon
I agree with you … but looser clothing is so comfy, especially when there are body fluctuations happening. OP, I say carry on, but still be open to more tailored fits!
Anon
And I can wear with bike shorts so no chin rub and no bike short lines.
Anon
Oh, the image on this one.
PolyD
I’ve gotten a couple of fuller shirt dress-style dresses. They have short sleeves and button down the front but have a fuller midi-length skirt (no ruffles). They work pretty well on 54-year-old me. And they’re made out of softer, drapier fabrics, which I prefer. But I never liked stiff crisp clothes on me, especially on top. My combination of narrowish shoulders + busty + a little short-waisted meant that crisp shirts just bulged out unattractively.
Anon
sounds lovely. not op but interested in where you found them please?
PolyD
One was from Loft and the other from Banana Republic Factory. I think Boden often has dresses in this style, although they tend to be made of crispier cotton.
Anon
Not the OP on this, but ShopBuru dot com has some like this that I’ve been eyeing. And the rhinestone sunglasses :)
Of Counsel
I have bought those Loft dresses too and love them (even though I wore basically the same dress with Keds in the 90s!)
Leatty
Realtor recommendations for MoCo? We are moving from out of state and targeting North Potomac/Rockville/Bethesda. Thanks!
Anon
good luck! It’s a tough market there. She helped my parents when they moved from out of state
https://www.elleykott.com/
Nada
We have used Jay Dahill for two home purchases and been very happy with him. Good luck!
Anonymous
https://www.phillipsallen.com/
Anon
What do people think of Biden’s latest student loan plan? I’m all for doing something about the cost of college and student debt, but this doesn’t seem like a good plan to me. First, i don’t see how it is constitutional to do by executive action. Second, it really doesn’t seem to be targeting those with the most need or impact from their student debt.
Anon
And third, it doesn’t attempt to do anything about the ridiculous cost of college. I should fix the system first, instead of putting a bandaid on a broken bone. I would be all for pausing interest until we come up with a systemic fix
Anon
This is where I come down. I’d like to see some loan forgiveness, but it’s nonsensical to forgive loans and then just start the whole process over again for a new bunch of students. At minimum, I’d like to see very low or no interest, combined with programs to make school more affordable to begin with and to reduce programs that generate a lot of debt with no job prospects (I say this as a professor who thinks that we’re doing a pretty bad job for a lot of students, both at my university and more broadly).
Peloton
Can someone please articulate why we shouldn’t just make the loans dischargeable in bankruptcy? That gives folks who are truly in a crushing situation an out (that still has friction associated with it), while avoiding creating financial burden on folks who couldn’t afford to / chose not to go to college in the first place.
It just seems like we already have a system for addressing crippling debt. We’ve just chosen to make this crippling debt different.
Relatedly: the resistance to this approach demonstrates the issue with government-backed loans. I am all for government-backed grants increasing dramatically, especially for undergrad, and for private loans (that include an underwriting process above a certain dollar value) to be available for things like med/law school, etc.
Anon
If student loans were dischargable in bankruptcy, wouldn’t the vast majority of people just file for bankruptcy right after college? Many people graduate without a job and don’t anticipate buying a home for another 10 years, so what would the downside be? Also, the private student loan industry would just end, with the possible except of parent loans
Peloton
Sure, make them non-dischargeable for seven (or five or ten) years. Not for life. That objection is easily addressable.
Disagree on the private student loan industry ending. You probably won’t be able to get private student loans for the low ROI programs, but also, there is no economic justification for someone taking out $250k to go to a TTTT law school, and it’s not a kindness to make that option available to people.
Anon
18 year olds have no credit history and no collateral. They are a horrible credit risk of the loans are dischargeable.
Hell, I consider myself a pretty trustworthy and honest person. But, if student loans were dischargable, I Would have graduated from college and immediately filed for bankruptcy because I didn’t have a job. Why pay that $20k back if I didn’t have to?
Anon
Again, that’s why bankruptcy for loans should be available after 7 or 10 years, perhaps longer for doctors who aren’t out of residency until year 6. Don’t allow ch. 7 for student loans unless the person is over 65.
One of the benefits of bankruptcy is that it gives everyone motivation to negotiate. A lender might agree to seven years of payments – more than they would get under bankruptcy but less than the full amount owed. Debtor gets to not have bankruptcy on their record.
AIMS
Because you don’t want to declare bankruptcy and have to disclose that forever?
Anon
I think that BKs roll off your credit eventually. But if you burned someone on $$$ of student loans before, I’d not lend to you again (or extend you credit: renting to you, etc.). This would be a big deal to someone like a non-corporate landlord with just a few rentals, etc.
Seriously, I know a guy who went to a TTT law school, borrowed all of it, and keeps failing the bar. I know schools think that they are doing a lot of poorly-prepared kids a favor by enrolling them and letting them live their dream, but if what you are doing is not preparing your grads to pass the bar, you should just pack up and go home. This has done this guy no favor and his life is ruined as it’s beginning. He’d have been better off going into the sheriff’s office and working at the jail (pays 55K plus would allow for loan forgiveness of undergrad loans plus has a full suite of benefits). Instead of working for 3 years * 55K ( = +165K), this guy is about -165K right now, a shocking difference in life outcomes and he is maybe 26? DON’T GO TO LAW SCHOOL.
Lydia D.
Yes, a loan is a promise to repay, and if you could just weasel out of it after you’ve borrowed for college, the college, having educated you on their loan, would go bust if you were able to just walk away from it. Would that be right? Hardly. We all need to live up to our commitments, just like if we marry someone. We take vows, and we should adhere to them.
Anonymous
Lol it’s clearly constitutional
Anon
Where does the president have the authority to spend money not authorized by Congress? That’s not clear to me
Anon
Honestly, instead of knocking off $10k worth of debt I wish they would cap student loan interest rates at 2%, for all loans. The average borrower owes over $36k so after the $10k of forgiveness, they’ll still owe quite a bit and at current interest rates will be stuck paying loans for a long time. To me, if the average burden is $36k, $10k isn’t enough for forgiveness to be all that meaningful for many people. It’s like giving employees a company mug with a cocoa packet in it at Christmas instead of a cash bonus – next time, just don’t bother. As others are saying, it would be far better to fix the real problem with loans – the interest rates, which are far higher than what I’m paying on any of my other debt – and also address the problem of college costs, which have skyrocketed. I read the other day that nationwide, undergraduate enrollments are down below even pre-pandemic levels, which isn’t surprising given that the job market is so strong, but also may be a signal that many people are feeling completely priced out of college, don’t want to take on loans, and therefore just aren’t pursuing higher education. Which will not benefit us as a nation long-term.
Anonymous
Out of curiousity what are the interest rates people are paying on student debt if they graduate now or say they graduated 5 years ago in 2017? I’m an old – graduated in 05 – and consolidated at 2.8% so I held that debt for a LONG time as market returns were better than 2.8%. My sense is now interest rates are much higher and not just in the last few months because of Fed rate increases but overall higher? I assume because lenders are now clearly treating this as unsecured debt, though I mean it was always unsecured.
Anonymous
I graduated in 2009 and I think some of my loans had a fixed rate at 8 percent.
Anon
+1
Graduated college in 2006. I had to take out private loans (parent wouldn’t cosign) because I stupidly went to a school that was too expensive expecting parent help. My private loans started out at 12.5% and were down to around 8% when I was closer to graduating and had built up a good credit score. I consolidated them all to around 7% after graduation but didn’t have an income based repayment plan (I don’t remember why) so between these and my federal loans I was paying $600 a month on my $29k salary. To this day when people talk about the fun they had traveling in their 20s I’m jealous because I spent that decade making loan payments.
If I could do life over, #1 would be going to a public school and not taking on so much debt.
Anon
I graduated in 2010, and my loans were between 7 and 8.75%. I don’t know about more recently loans, but I don’t think the low interest rates ever came back.
Lydia D.
Going to a state school is definitely the way to go. You get the same education for a lot less money. I know all too many people who went to private colleges (and not good ones either), racked up a boatload of debt, and now are stuck. They have to repay it, but did not get their money’s worth. Also, having large debt hurts a woman’s chances of getting married, as they are much less likely to be able to find husbands because of that debt, as very few guys want a woman more financially irresponsible than they are just starting out a marriage.
Anon
My gov’t law school loans coming out in ’13 were at 6.8%.
anon
It ranges from 3.73 to 6.28% I believe.
Shelle
My federal loans for undergrad had an interest rate of 4% in 2005 era. Same loan type when I went to grad school ten years later were at 9%. But what really amazed me was the increase in tuition. I attended at about 4K/semester (tuition only, in-state). A decade on it had more than doubled!
Anonymous
My public law school tuition nearly doubled while I was in school. Unfortunately, my scholarship did not. Worst bait and switch ever.
Shelle
Yikes!
Anonymous
6.25% and 4.25%. Still paying…in my late 30s.
Anon
I graduated law school in 2010 and my loans were at 8%.
Nonny
6.5 to 8.6 , took out 2006-2010
Anonymous
It’s obviously designed to directly aid as many voters as possible. What really needs to happen is reforms that reduce tuition, but that won’t impact as many voters’ personal wallets. The most obvious solution is to cap the amount of money any student or family is permitted to borrow, which would force colleges to lower tuition. All the easily accessible student loan money is what allows colleges to jack up their prices higher and higher every year.
Peloton
The cynical but historical term for it is “bread and circuses.”
Anon
Or Jubilee? I really don’t think “bread and circuses” and “debt forgiveness” are the same historical phenomenon.
Anon
Caught up on the headline. I take it back: forgiving 10k is a lot more like bread and circuses than real debt forgiveness (even if it were interest only, or just making the loans dischargeable in bankruptcy like other kinds of debt for a time). Seems more like a way to not really solve the problem (either the debt crisis or the cost of education problem).
Peloton
Exactly—there are meaningful reform options available. The proposed plan is bread and circuses.
Anon
Completely frivolous Friday question- I’ve always been super-skinny and flat. Over the winter, I broke down and got my breasts done. I’ve bought 3 new bikini tops – one is bright red and very low cut (this is the one that got my husband’s hearty approval), two is a classic bikini (neither conservative nor skimpy), three is more of a cute tank cut, specifically bought for when I want more coverage/security.
Which should I wear first to the pool this weekend? (I’m a 42 year old mom going to our middle class subdivision pool where I’ll drink White Claws with a bunch of other 40-ish parents while our kids splash around, so it’s not exactly girls gone wild here. But still, I’m looking forward to actually filling out and adult sized top!)
Anon
I would wear 2 or 3. IMO, low cut tops are for adult events, not a family day at the pool.
Cat
agreed, bright red and skimpy is not the look for a family event.
anon
Agreed.
Anon
Agreed. I would never wear a top like that around my kid’s friends and their parents. Save it for a romantic getaway with DH.
Anon
Same. All it takes is bending over the wrong way or kid accidentally pulling your top the wrong way and out it comes.
Anne-on
This. My kid is 10 and still regularly tries to climb me like a jungle gym in the swimming pool if he’s playing with us. I’m also ghostly pale and my swimwear usually involves a rashguard so this is typically not an issue ;)
Anon
Team rashguard unless it’s evening. Skin cancer and sun-induced aging are still things.
Anon
Yeah I haven’t gone to the pool without a rash guard since I was like 25. No body image issues, I just don’t want skin cancer or premature aging.
Anon
Eh life is short, you feel great in the red one, I’d put my pearls away and wear that!
Anon
Same, and I saw the suit you posted below. Would stick with 2 or 3.
NYCer
I agree (saw the red top posted below, and still agree it is not best for a family day at the pool).
Anonymous
Whatever you’re excited about!!
anon
+1 wear what makes you happy. Life is short
Anon
Ok, I feel like I must have exaggerated the first one – it’s low cut for someone who’s never had a bust before, but I wouldn’t call it skimpy, and I’m confident it will stay on for pool activities. It’s this one: https://www.victoriassecret.com/us/vs/swimwear-catalog/victoria-s-secret-rings-wireless-push-up-swim-top-5000008661?genericId=11201534&choice=58KG&size1=36&size2=DD%20(E)&cm_mmc=PLA-_-GOOGLE-_-VSD_VS_Swim_SSC-_-Ad+group&gbraid=0AAAAADvRVmGuhzSCGqqX8Wz282CZz_fg4&gbraid=0AAAAADvRVmGuhzSCGqqX8Wz282CZz_fg4&gclid=CjwKCAjw7cGUBhA9EiwArBAvolE2E5DPUEcQGivJwrLRk8vAXX3XYV9UMdPQhLTy2ixW3HgD5n77YxoCX7EQAvD_BwE&gclsrc=aw.ds
(Wearing with a neutral bottom, and my size isn’t far off from the model’s – I’m small even with the enhancements.)
Aunt Jamesina
This is super cute and you should wear it if you feel good in it! I don’t think of this as low cut at all.
…Although I’m also the lady who wore a top that showed a sliver of midriff in the pediatrician’s office last week, so maybe my judgement is off :-)
Aunt Jamesina
And sure, maybe most moms wear one pieces, but I don’t think this top would raise any eyebrows at my suburban pool.
anon
Girl no that is wildly inappropriate for a family pool.
Aunt Jamesina
Pearl clutchers are out in full force today. This isn’t a work event, this is hanging out with friends!
Anonymous
I would never wear this, but not for a pearl-clutchy reason. It looks cheap for reasons that have nothing to do with the level of coverage.
anon
If this many people on the board have this reaction, maybe consider not dismissing them as “pearl clutchers” and instead respect that others have different opinions as to what constitutes family-appropriate swimwear?
Aunt Jamesina
Sure, I get that it might not be practical if comfortable. But plenty of these comments are talking about modesty.
Anonymous
1000% agree with the people saying wildly inappropriate. even Shana at the Mom Edit wears a rashguard on top of bikinis and she’s popularized the “denim undies” look.
European anon below
Agree, this is not skimpy, just a normal coverage for a small bust.
The reason it might read sexy is the lingerie shape, since it’s basically a push-up shape. Something like this is as small, but more bikini, if that makes sense:
Anonymous
Exactly. It’s not the coverage, it’s the fact that it is styled like underclothes that makes it look inappropriate. It also looks out of date by about 30 years. I’d go with something that looks like an actual swimsuit in a more contemporary style.
PolyD
That is very cute! I forgot that VS sells swimsuits by bra size, I should check them out.
Anon
Thanks for the link because that helps. Still gonna go with no, do not wear that to the family pool this weekend. Pick something with sturdier straps, that looks more like “I am at my suburban subdivision pool with a bunch of families” and not “I’m on vacation with my husband sans kids in Tulum.” I totally get that with the enhanced equipment you are excited about wearing things you couldn’t wear with confidence before, but I just don’t think that top is the right choice for the context you’re describing. At our club pool even people who could wear very skimpy swimwear with confidence don’t, because doing that would not pass the vibe check given that the pool attracts a very wide mix of people, including multigenerational families. A family pool and a daylife club in Vegas require different wardrobe choices, KWIM? Plan a beach vacation with your husband and wear anything you want in that context.
Anon
You know your pool, assuming you haven’t recently moved. That would be out of place with the families at mine and I would feel very uncomfortable hanging out in that around my kids’ friends and family, but you do you.
Aunt Jamesina
Certainly understandable that not everyone would want to wear this themselves. But would you feel weird being around *somebody else* wearing this bikini top? If somebody made a comment or judged a woman wearing this bikini top in my circles, we’d think they were weird and judgy.
Anonymous
I would never comment, but I would not make an effort to go over and introduce myself to the wearer of this top because it looks silly and high-maintenance and I have no interest in acquiring silly, high-maintenance friends. If you want to express a fun personality, go with cute, stylish, and somewhat sporty.
Anon
Agreed. If I was with a mom friend at a pool with that top I would think dang that’s cute and I wish my boring tankini was more like that. And secondly I wish I still had the bod to pull that off confidently haha
Anon
‘silly and high maintenance ‘. Way to judge.
kitten
This bums me out. With everything terrible going on in the world, you are blessed to spend a leisurely day at the pool and still think things so petty and mean about other people.
Anon
I like to think I’m a good person but I would totally judge, but not say anything to the person.
Anon
OP, I promise you not everybody thinks like this, and you probably don’t want friends like Anonymous @ !0″38 anyway.
Horse Crazy
Agree with kitten. Very sad.
Anonymous
Would not bat an eye, absolutely not weird.
kitten
This is super cute! Those bra-like tops are actually really secure. I use those for paddle boarding. At least in my area, no one would raise an eyebrow.
AIMS
Life is short but I would say it really depends on your top. I had a similar top and on me it would have been too much for the family pool. Use your judgment and wear what will make you feel comfortable.
Anonymous
Totally fine coverage-wise. But the style looks like it came from VS and that sends certain signals.
Anon
I’m no prude but I still wouldn’t wear this to a family day at the pool. I’d do #2;,#1 is too sexy and #3 is too modest to show off your body.
Anon
Wear it if it makes you feel good about yourself and happy.
It’s fine. It’s totally not my style and maybe this is why you are getting so much hate from others who it’s not their style either, but it’s not inappropriate.
Anon
That’s actually worse than I imagined. It’s a push up bra…not a swimsuit. A skimpy bikini is fine but that looks like underwear, not a bathing suit, to me.
Anonymous
This looks like lingerie which is probably why your hubby loves it. You do you!! People might judge but it’s up to you whether you care. I usually go more covered up if I’m at a kid/family event, but wouldn’t care. You know the group and we don’t. You’d stand out in my area and that may be good for you or not- that’s something you can decide! I’m also assuming you’re going to have multiple opportunities to go to the pool and hang, so many you start with the one you feel best in and then you can try other ones as the season progresses.
Anonymous
I vote no on 1 – the bra styling and the metal rings give it the too s*xy vibe for a family day.
Anon
I feel confused by these reactions because it totally does look a lot like a bra to me in the front, but bras look utilitarian and functional to me, where swimsuits tend to be styled to look more s*xy and less practical than what I think of as daily undergarments.
Anons
You should do whatever is comfortable. BUT since your boobs are new to you, you might not know what’s going to feel comfortable. So how about wear the red one if you really want to, but bring a cover up to wear when you are outside the pool hanging. That way you have to option to cover up if you get there and feel like the vibe is off for that suit.
anon
Yeah no, this is ugly and looks outdated.
anon
I LOVE IT!! WEAR IT!!! WEAR WHAT YOU ARE CONFIDENT AND COMFORTABLE IN….this crowd will shame you into a BURKHA in a heartbeat but please do you, wear whatever you want and be your bad ass confident self!
Trish
I hope you enjoyed your new bikini tops!
Anon
Honestly the moms at our local pool almost exclusively wear variations of black one pieces. So I’d go 3.
Aunt Jamesina
I feel like this is a common mom look because it’s easy and practical, but it’s also kinda boring. Nothing weird about a bikini top at a pool.
Aunt Jamesina
And I say that as an owner of two black one pieces.
Anon
And I say that as an owner of two black one pieces.
Anonymous
I regularly rock a bikini at the neighborhood pool, but I would never wear this one because it looks like something from an early 2000s reality show.
Anon
+1 to Anon at 10:39. It’s just fugly and tacky. Sorry.
Earlier P
Also, I’m excited you’re confident and feel free to go two piece! Just thinking baby steps might be wise here!
Anonymous
Number two, unless you’re in Europe, in which case, number one.
You’ll be sad and feel that you’re hiding if you wear number three, and the first one sounds a little off for a US meet-up with other families. It would be perfectly fine here in Europe (where the procedure might raise some eyebrows, but a skimpy bikini would not), so a know-your-audience thing.
Have lots of fun and enjoy your new features, both in bikinis and other clothes!
Anon
In Europe, she’d be topless, no?
Aunt Jamesina
Of this is serious, only some beaches are topless and the vast majority of women wear tops, at least in France.
NYCer
+1. My husband is French, we go to the south of France a lot. I wear bikinis to the pool/beach regularly, but still would not wear that red top for a family day there either.
Anonymous
No. Moms in Europe are not routinely waltzing around topless with their families at the pool.
Anonymous
You could, yes, some places, but not all. Rarely see topless in Italy – but a lot more skimpy tops than OP’s red. You’re fine to do topless in Scandi, although it’s less common now than when I grew up, mostly I think because of skin cancer.
Aunt Jamesina
Yeah, I feel like I only see the older gen sun worshipper type going topless now.
kag
Topless is not popular in Europe anymore (according to my observations since around twenty years). Sure, we will take a bra off when sunbathing and lying on our stomach, but very rarely you would see a woman walking around topless. Of course saunas and showers are a different story, one would typically not wear any swimsuit (irrespective of gender).
Anon
No not at all. Most women in Europe wear bathing suits.
kitten
I’d do #1 or #2! (assuming it’s secure and you won’t be adjusting it the whole time). For me personally it would be more about the bottoms. Triangle bikini tops are the norm in my location/circle but I don’t wear super cheeky bottoms around certain crowds.
Anonymous
Oh, man, as a member of the IBTC I cannot feel secure in a triangle top. They slide around too much because there isn’t enough to hold them in place. Same with cheeky bottoms on my flat rear. Athleta, Prana, and Carve Designs 4ever for this modestly endowed person.
Anon
no recommendation as you probably know, trust your instincts.
congrats on the b00bs though! go you.
Anon
If I planned to jump in, swim, and/or run around the pool chasing kids or whatnot, I prefer whatever has the most tied down security. I have Ds, so if I’m planning activity, I like to keep them locked in to avoid mishaps. Otherwise, if it’s more of a strolling/sunbathing kind of day, whichever you feel cutest in.
anonymous
Surprised by all the prude-ish responses on this board. You shouldn’t feel obligated to wear no. 3, but if you’re going to feel sexy in it, you should rock it and enjoy!
Aunt Jamesina
As a suburbanite pool goer who recently became a mom, this thread is seriously bumming me out. Everyone is welcome to my hypothetical suburban pool party, whether you’re in a full rashguard with hijab, easy black one piece, or in the teeniest bikini, no judgement. Women are already subject to so much judgement and can feel so much shame about our bodies and swimwear, why judge others?
nyc
+1!
Anon
+1
Minding your own business is a delight. Some of these commenters should try it sometime.
Anonymous
OP asked what everyone thought.
kitten
We appreciate the honesty but those people are still terrible.
Aunt Jamesina
I’m just really wondering where everyone lives that a bikini top is so scandalous! It’s not 1950. Totally get it if you wouldn’t wear it yourself or if you don’t think it would be practical/comfortable while wrangling kids. But the comments about judging someone wearing a bikini top to a pool are weird and regressive!
anon
Calling people names is uncalled for. If opinions were a bar chart with the x-axis running from hate -> love and the y axis running from split second reaction -> core belief, people are responding about the x-axis and saying they don’t like the red bikini. People aren’t saying they fundamentally hate red bikinis, just that it would cause a passing thought as noticeable in a bad way.
Minding our own business doesn’t extend to not having our own thoughts.
anon
+10000000. I want women to be comfortable and happy wearing whatever the EFF they want to.
Anon
My SIL went psycho when I wore a sporty Target bikini to a family pool party. She was jealous that I looked reasonable in it and was furious that I wasn’t self conscious.
Live your best life. My concern about the bikini that was posted is that it’s not really designed to chase after kids in the pool. I have an earlier version of the same thing, designed to look less like a bra, and I would not want my kiddo tugging at it. Those pretty metal rings… I don’t trust them for more than hanging out in a hot tub with my husband.
Anon
+ 1. I think women being catty about it 1) either don’t feel confident and don’t want anyone else to or b) don’t trust their husbands and want to control external factors (like any woman ever wearing a bikini to the pool) instead of address that their husband is a bit pervy for ogling random women.
Anonymous
No, actually I wouldn’t wear it because I don’t want the other pervy husbands ogling me. But that’s what OP is aiming for, so more power to her.
Anon
Agree, and 3) they spend their energy being catty instead of fixing their own problems.
I swear so many women hit 40 and still do not understand that if they focused their energy on fixing whatever is bothering them rather than be nasty to other women, they would have a lot less reason to want to be nasty and no time to do it anyway.
Anon
It sounds like you want to wear the red top, so go for it!
Anonymous
Start with #2 and then see how you feel next time.
Anonymous
I would not wear that red one in the sun. Metal hardware gets hot.
Anonymous
This is my first thought. I have had this experience and it is not fun.
Anonymous
Exactly. This is for lounging in the shade, not being in the sun, especially having the water reflect the sun into your back.
anon
Ehhh, know your audience. In my area, even the moms with hot bods tend to stay a bit more covered for family swim events. If they wear bikinis, they choose more conservative cuts. The red one would be fine for an adults-only event but I have to admit that it would raise eyebrows if someone wore that to the neighborhood pool. Call me pearl-clutchy, but time and place.
Anonymous
+1 – and this time and place involves teenage boys and their dads.
Aunt Jamesina
It is not the responsibility of women to wear certain things to either appeal to men or try to protect them from their own thoughts.
Anonymous
I want to protect myself from the men’s thoughts.
Anon
Who gives af, not our responsibility to make teenage boys and their man child fathers behave appropriately
Anonymous
It’s about protecting myself, not about taking responsibility for the actions of men and boys. I don’t want to be the object of the leering. The fact that there shouldn’t be leering doesn’t change the reality that there is.
Seventh Sister
Yes, because neither the teenage boys or their dads can find anything more racy on their phones in like 15 seconds. Live a little.
Anonymous
But the stuff on their phones is NOT ME.
Anon
Yeah, I really do not want to be spank bank material for men I know. That’s just gross. Of course they can find other girls to jerk off to and I don’t care as long as it’s not me.
Anon
I’d wear a classic bikini simply because it seems to fit the dress code of the occasion, but that is normally what I do (fit the dress code of the occasion rather than wear what I happen to want to wear to any given thing). The red you linked below is indeed very cute but I think the back – the rings – make it more of an adult pool party than a kid pool party. For kid pool party it’s giving ‘Stacey’s Mom’
Peloton
What do you feel like you’ll feel best in at the event, all factors considered?
That’s the one I’d wear.
Seventh Sister
I’d go with the bright red, low cut one! I’m a boring middle-class mom and when I see another middle-class mom in something a little risque the only thing I ever think is, “oh, that’s cute!” Seriously, life is too short. And if there is a coverage issue, OMG, it’s the human body.
Go for it
I’d wear it, yet do agree a new chest does need some getting used to. When pregnant I went from a less than an A cup to over a C and it was weird getting used to it ~ finding how to be in clothing that all of a sudden became revealing. Go you!
FYI beware that those metal rings are going to get hot ~ ask me how I know!
Anon
Dry shampoo recs? I have been using Batiste the past few years and while it’s okay, the price has been getting out of control for a can that only lasts a few weeks.
Vicky Austin
Not Your Mother’s in the green and white bottle.
Anon
Amika. It’s amazing and I feel like I need less of it than Basiste.
Bonnie Kate
A few years ago I went through a phase where I tried so many brands of dry shampoo. My hair stylist kept giving me samples to try, and I kept buying different kinds and discussing it a randomly abnormal amount with friends. I basically concluded that what dry shampoo works best for you matters most about you hair type and that there wasn’t a universal holy grail product. I ended up sticking with Batiste. I don’t go through it that fast though and hadn’t noticed the price increases – I probably buy one can every 3 months.
Horse Crazy
Dry Bar. I prefer the unscented one, but I know many people love the smell of the scented version. They both work great, though.
Anonymous
Dove
anon
I’m going on vacation next week. Yay. Any tips on not going into total freakout mode as I look at my to-do lists? Thankfully DH is doing a bunch of packing while I’m at the office today. Work is overwhelming, and I’m sort of dreading how far behind I might get. I feel this way every time I go on vacation and would really like to figure out a way to be less anxious about the whole deal.
Anonymous
This weekend, do the things. Do laundry. Pack everything you can. Make a list of last minute packing items. Find all the one off things like a sun hat. Clean out the fridge.
Get a pedicure.
During the work week, do your work and let it go. Not everything will be done before you leave and that is ok
Mid West
It sounds like you need this vacation! I don’t know where you are going, but I like to remind myself that I will be able to run to the store if I forget to pack anything. (I once forgot to pack my bathing suit on a trip to a water park…) Have a quick checklist of things to do before you are walking out the door (trash, dishwasher, turn off water, unplug things … whatever is on your list.) I also like to block out the morning my first day back — no meetings so that I can focus on triaging emails & getting up to speed on what happened while I am out.
I hope you have a fantastic time!
Anon
you guys, my wedding celebration is in 29 days. will it be worth it? i’ve been wedding planning since 2018 with postponements from 2020 to 2021 to finally now. we got married in a small ceremony in 2020 and are doing the years postponed celebration in 29 days. my friends and i are all older now from 2018 obviously (when all my friends were getting married) and people are moving on with their lives from the wedding stage of life and some people who’s weddings I made a ton of effort to attend can’t come for understandable reasons. i’m getting so hurt and upset and taking all RSVP declines so personally. to add to this, my bridal shower was the weekend everything went bad in march 2020 which was horrible and awful and stressful (and we had to pull the plug on our may 2020 wedding shortly thereafter). i feel like i have wedding event ptsd and i’m questioning why the fck i’m even doing this.
i feel like i’m the friend everyone is tolerating and this wedding is something no one really wants to do. i just got word yesterday that my oldest friend and bridesmaid, who i have done so so much for and showed up for in every way (my parents hosted her rehearsal dinner at their house), just found out she can’t come because of an extremely valid reason. she was really upset and crying to tell me on the phone and i know she’s not just trying to bail but i’m still devastated. help me get through this? why do i hate this wedding planning so much?! i love my husband and we are great — not about him, it’s about inviting all these people and feeling responsible and taking it all so personally. what is wrong with me?? why can’t i enjoy this?
Anon
I’m guessing it’s too late to cancel but that’s what I would do. You’re already married, which is the whole point of the thing! Having a “celebration” a year later just seems like a gift grab to me. I’m sorry your friends are bailing but you already had a wedding.
Anonymous
Wow this is wrong and rude and mean
Anon
Super rude. People should have the opportunity to celebrate with their friends and family if they so choose. And, those friends and family should show up as presumably this couple has done for them.
Every time I’m invited to a wedding I feel honored – that couple has chosen to invite me to be a part of a hugely meaningful moment in their lives (and has decided I’m worth paying $100+ for to be there) so I always make every effort to show up and enthusiastically celebrate with them, as I will want them to do for me one day.
I also always say that it’s such a rare gift to have everyone you love in the same place – it really only happens at your wedding and your funeral (and you’re not at your funeral!) so why not have a celebration with these people you love – even if it’s 2 years later?
Anon
I think she should have the wedding if she wants. Covid is different, and the fact that she is already married doesn’t matter.
But I’ve never understood this argument that it’s the one time that you get to have everyone in one place. At every wedding I’ve ever been at, the couple has basically no time to speak to all the guest. You talk to each person for what, five minutes. And it’s not like the different social groups intermingle, the college friends talk to the college friends, the law school friends talk to the law school friends, the family talks to family. I’ve never wanted a big wedding, so maybe that’s the reason, but I just don’t get the benefit of having e wry one in one place.
Anonymous
In terms of having everyone in one place, the guests will benefit from that but not the wedding couple. My nieces’ and nephews’ weddings were the best family reunions ever. My own wedding? I can hardly remember it.
Aunt Jamesina
This is a bad take, especially in the Covid era.
Anon
During COVID, people encouraged engaged couples to postpone, saying we would all be there to celebrate when it’s safer. It’s coming time to make good on that promise.
OP
thanks for this anon 2:44
Anon
+100
Anon
+1 million. And I’m fairly pearl clutchy about weddings for people who already got married. But Covid is a special circumstance.
Vicky Austin
So first of all, congratulations on your wedding! And secondly, I’m really sorry your BFF can’t come – to me that sounds like the biggest piece of the puzzle of your feelings, that you can’t have the reciprocal experience with her that she got to have with you. That sucks and I’m so, so sorry.
I have both a sister and a SIL who were supposed to graduate college in 2020 and do college senior things, and obviously that didn’t happen. They both got second chances in different ways, but I think there was definitely an expectation that this second chance would be everything they dreamed of and had had to wait for. My sister in particular had kind of a stressful weekend for her do-over graduation, and I think it was because of these expectations. Which, by the way, are totally reasonable! It’s so much harder to have an even keel about smaller bumps in the road when you’ve already hit massive roadblocks multiple times and been completely derailed (mixing my metaphors, but I think you get it). It’s just hard.
In your shoes, I would try to schedule a fun weekend with your BFF in a few months, and take the weekend off from thinking about your wedding, and see if that helps.
Anon
Part of the issue, I think, is that it’s not really your wedding. You already got married, and you were in the actual wedding phase four years ago. People aren’t going to make the same effort for a not-wedding wedding. It sucks that the pandemic interrupted this life event for you. I’d consider reframing it all in your mind – treat it as an anniversary party and fun celebration coming out of years where you couldn’t do that. But I’d dial back and eliminate the wedding aspects, personally. You already did that.
Anon
Hard disagree. If people aren’t showing up because “the bride is already married” then they’re bad friends (valid excuses aside). Everyone lost so much over the last 2 years, people shouldn’t make your rude distinction of it being a “not-wedding wedding” and should show up with as much enthusiasm for the couple as they would have in May 2020.
Anon
My point is OP is probably feeling that herself too. I eloped and had a party six months later and both my husband and I had a hard time getting excited for the party because we already were married. You mentally move on. I think friends should try to be there of course, but it’s hard to get the same enthusiasm when it’s really a second anniversary and not her actual wedding.
Anonymous
This. I think OP will enjoy the party a lot more if she stops expecting to have the “fairytale wedding magic” feeling and starts embracing the “reunion and party with friends” feeling. The wedding genie is out of the bottle and can’t be put back in.
Anon
you’ve been so
diligent in planning and of course it’s a let down that not everyone is taking it as seriously as you did theirs. you can absolutely feel all the feelings about that.
then you can go enjoy whomever did show up and not take the rest personally. people still value you and the world has changed, both can be true.
Anonymous
It sure sounds like OP’s BFF is taking it awfully seriously. There is such a thing as a valid reason for not being able to attend.
Anon
IMO, the only good reasons to miss a wedding in 2022 are the same reasons it was ok to miss a wedding pre pandemic.
Anonymous
I would immediately drop any friend who thought this. No, sorry, when I’m canceling vacations and my employer is canceling in-person meetings because of the risk of COVID, I’m not going to make an exception and risk my health for your wedding. Anyone who demands that people show up for a large gathering in the middle of a COVID surge is a self-centered princess.
Anon
Well health related concerns are, and were , always an acceptable reason to miss a wedding.
But also, I don’t know a single person canceling vacations or in person meetings right now. My crowd was very cautious for the first 18idh months of the pandemic but everybody, and I mean everybody- even those who are high risk, are back to living life. My friend who was by far the most Covid cautious person I know is flying across the country and going to a music festival. My aunt just wrapped up chemo and spent a weekend traveling to visit family.
Anon
On the flip side, I’m locking down for a week prior to weddings so I don’t get Covid abc have to miss the wedding.
To me it’s much more important to be there for my friends on their big day so for a week prior to my friends’ weddings I’m only socializing outdoors and only going into the office 3x a week.
Im ok risking getting Covid at the wedding but would be crushed if I got Covid elsewhere and had to miss a wedding.
Anon
With boosters wearing off and more publications on the risks of breakthrough infections, I’m surprised that high risk people would be living precaution free during a wave (if that’s what “back to living life” means). CDC is measuring community levels by hospital capacity these days on the assumption that people will end up hospitalized.
Anon
Most high risk people have been re-boosted
Anonymous
Which still doesn’t really protect them.
Anon
The fourth booster wears off a lot, lot faster than the third.
Anonymous
Maybe over the weekend you can take a day and not answer any calls? Just spend time, preferably outdoors, relaxing with fiancé or on your own. Enjoy one of your last few days unmarried. Then come up with a gracious and loving script for those who can’t come “Thanks for telling me. I’m really bummed but I understand. I hope we can catch up together after the wedding!” And remind yourself: it’s not you, it’s not that they don’t want to go, it’s YOUR big day and at the end of it, it’s about you and your spouse getting married and celebrating with those who can make it and those from farther away who are cheering you on.
Anonymous
first of all, big hugs to you. second, take a deep breath, count slowly to ten, and remind yourself that the last 2.5 years have been rough on everyone and we’re still not quite out of the woods yet wrt the pandemic, and there’s plenty of other horrible things going on in the world in the last week, last few months, etc that are completely out of your control.
to some degree, it *is* possible that some people are no longer excited about attending weddings because of life things on their end. it always sucks to be the last one to get married because you’ll always feel like other people got to feel more important than you, and by the time you get married, most of your friends have a kid or three and aren’t able to give you as much attention as you paid them. but – can you reframe this as 1) the people who are able to come will be excited to celebrate you and have a reason to travel and/or meet familiar faces again? 2) gently remind yourself that some things are out of anyone’s control and people like your bridesmaid are truly very sad they can’t attend and will celebrate you in some other way 3) wedding planning is stressful no matter the circumstances, but are you looking forward to the actual party? i totally get it if you just need to vent on an anonymous board. 4) in 30 days, the big event will be over, and the day will be what you make of it.
i disagree people won’t make effort for a not-wedding wedding – plenty of people in my friend circles have postponed the party part of the wedding to 2021 and 2022 and got their marriage licenses back in 2020. and based on my own rsvps to these weddings and people’s social media, a lot of people are showing up like it’s 2018 again
Anonymous
Let it go. It will be a wonderful event with the people who can be there
Anon
Why do you feel this way? Your plans for your actual wedding – saying your vows in front of all your family and friends, then celebrating – got massively derailed. So it’s all of the stress of wedding planning without the payoff. And wedding planning sucks.
Why else do you feel this way? I’m sure your MOH has very valid reasons for not going, but it’s the epitome of what you’re experiencing now. Everyone has “moved on” from the wedding stage, and a bunch of people are too “over it” to come. She isn’t doing this to you, but it’s the icing on the cake.
I was a bridesmaid for a woman who got married in her early/mid 20s. When I got married over a decade later, she told me that my marriage wasn’t as important as hers because I got married later in life. She didn’t even congratulate me, let alone send me a card. It didn’t end there. It just flipping hurts when people who had their moment don’t show up for you.
Anon
I’m sorry. This totally sucks! And you have every right to feel frustrated and sad. Because you probably postponed hoping the pandemic would get better and were trying to make it as safe as possible to celebrate but it’s not still quite over and a lot has changed for people over the years (work obligations, kids, taking care of parents, etc.). As someone who couldn’t participate in my friends’ wedding festivities for friends who showed up for mine, I just feel so, so, so horrible. I still think about how I couldn’t be there for my friends the way they were for me. I think this is just an overall sucky situation for everyone. Try not to dwell on it and just celebrate your marriage! It’s still going to be lots of fun. People are going to show up because they love you and want to celebrate your marriage. And the people who can’t come also feel sad they can’t be there so try not to make them feel bad about not coming either (I will say my friends never made me felt bad about missing their wedding festivities, I’m just internalizing it myself).
anon a mouse
One of my dearest friends had a wedding date set for Sept. 15, 2001. In DC. She had planned her heart out for a year.
Obviously, the wedding didn’t happen on that date, and when it did happen a couple months later, some of her friends and family were still too skittish to fly in for it. We had a great time with the people who did show up, and it was a memorable event. Yours will be the same. Hugs.
Anon
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. To be honest I would not travel right now because of high COVID numbers, and I am higher risk. I don’t know if that’s why people are not attending but if so, it’s out of your hands and it’s not personal. It’s just another casualty of a global pandemic.
Anonymous
Exactly. Everyone has lost something in the pandemic. My kid lost her high school experience. My husband lost a parent. OP is losing her dream wedding. It’s unrealistic and self-centered to demand that other people take huge risks to pretend that we aren’t still living through a crisis. Instead, let’s adapt and enjoy what we still have.
anon
We have no idea that’s why people are cancelling on her, and OP doesn’t seem like she’s self-centered at all. She’s upset and overwhelmed and trying to figure out why. Be kinder.
Anonymous
She needs to accept that the world is forever changed and that she will never have the wedding she dreamed of in early 2020. This will allow her to move on and have fun at the party she actually is having with the people who can actually come.
Anon
I mean at what point to we go back to getting to have weddings that are like pre pandemic weddings? I think the world temporarily changed – I’m not willing to accept that it’s forever changed and that we’ll never go back to how weddings used to be.
FWIW – I’ve been to two weddings in the last 6 weeks that reminded me exactly of pre-pandemic weddings.
Anonymous
She can’t have the wedding she dreamed of in 2020 because she is already married! It’s impossible to recapture the particular excitement of getting married. She can still have a fun party and should focus on that.
Anon
“She needs to accept that the world is forever changed and that she will never have the wedding she dreamed of in early 2020.”
Holy crap, she’s not saying she hasn’t accepted this! Y’all really woke up on the mean side of bed this morning.
Anon
Just because you “accept” something doesn’t mean you can’t have feelings about it. Like it or not, our culture celebrates people getting married. It’s perfectly normal and understandable to have a mourning period when the stressful events of the last couple of years have prevented you from celebrating your marriage in the customary way! OP seems completely reasonable and not at all like a bridezilla or anything.
OP– I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sounds really hard, and please be gentle with yourself.
Anonymous
To the person wondering if the pandemic is over, for many of us it’s not. High-risk people, people whose toddlers can’t get vaccinated, people who don’t wanna deal with long Covid which is a risk even if you’ve had the shots.
Anonie
We did this and it was truly indescribably wonderful to finally see so many of the people we loved in one room! Our elopement was incredible and I felt so satisfied and complete after it, but our anniversary celebration was a time of so much joy and fun. Not everyone we invited could make it and I was pretty disappointed by some of the declines, but those who could attend gushed about it for weeks after. Not to mention, after all the stress and anxiety of planning and postponing, my husband and I had the actual time of our lives at our anniversary party. Wedding planning (twice) was extremely stressful and honestly horrible but the event itself was magical and worth all of the effort. I was one of those “dream about my wedding forever” types so it’s probably not surprising that I had fun, but my husband is an introvert whose family historically has tiny weddings without fan fair and he was on a high for weeks after the anniversary party.
I am so sorry you are having to deal with this stress though! I’ve been there. Still, you deserve to celebrate your love! I don’t think there is a “wrong” decision here and I think you should do whatever you suspect will make you happiest…just wanted to share a different perspective.
Anonymous
I really empathize with you. As we’ve gotten older, most of my friends have gotten married, had kids, etc. and they have stopped prioritizing the weddings of our friends who have gotten married later. I always make a point of going to the wedding events – showers, bachelorette, wedding, after party, brunch the next day, etc. I think these celebrations are important, and I think it’s sad that achieving life milestones later means that people stop showing up for these big things. I’m married with no kids, and while I am annoyed that my friends kind of expect me to play this role because I don’t have kids, I love celebrating with my friends!
So basically, it’s ok to feel these feelings.
I will offer a silver lining for you, however! I have been to a number of post-COVID weddings for friends who were formerly closer to acquaintances, and we are now super close. I think they appreciated that I took the time to show up for the wedding, and because their weddings were a bit smaller, we spent more time together. I also got to know some of their other friends better and expanded my social circle. Two couples in particular were friends we always enjoyed but didn’t see that much. After the weddings, they are some of our closest friends. We see them almost every weekend and in a lovely turn of events, the wife of one of the couples and I are now pregnant and due around the same time!
So while it sucks, some of your relationships may shift in unexpected and positive ways.
Nesprin
You’re going to have a great time. And no it’s not going to be the event it would have been in 2019, but that’s ok. Cherish the people who can come, dance your heart out, and miss the people who can’t- they would have loved to be there, but such is life.
FWIW, my grandmother got married in the height of WW2, in bedroom slippers (because no one had any shoe ration coupons) to my navy grandfather who had 2 days of leave total to get from port to their hometown for the wedding and back. Having seen the video of their ceremony, I cannot imagine her more happy. You too will have a fantastic wedding, but not the one you would have hoped for.
Anon
I have decided to finally try slip shorts under my summer dresses. Goal is to avoid chub rub but stay cool. No compression please, and no staic cling. Anyone have any they like that fill the above requirements?
Anon
OMG we are twins — was just coming to post about this. I had some years ago where the legs rolled up (so failed at purpose AND the roll was noticeable). I need not the longest of legs on these puppies as long as they don’t roll up. Would prefer not to have to cuff the legs when worn under shorter or more flowy skirts.
Ribena
Snag tights’s shorts are the best for this!!
Anon
Jockey skimmies.
anonymous
+1 There was also a post on Wardrobe Oxygen a while back all about this topic.
Anon
I just ordered some of these based on recs from here. Do you typically wear underwear under your shorts or in place of underwear? The material is very similar to boy short underwear I’ve seen.
Anon
I wear underwear, I find it uncomfortable others but YMMV
anonymous
I also wear underwear with the Jockey skimmies.
Mouse
If I want to be cool I don’t wear underwear with them. In the winter I might –
Anon
Yes, these. Make sure to buy the right size. If they’re too small, they’ll roll up. I don’t wear underwear with them.
London (formerly NY) CPA
+4
Anon
Last year I bought some white and flesh-toned cotton bike shorts from Forever 21 in a size smaller than I would normally wear and they worked really well for me last year. They are 95% cotton/5% spandex so stay breathable in hot weather, which is a problem I had with Jockey Skimmies, although will admit I have the regular kind and not the kind that are advertised to be “cooling” or “breathable.”
anon
Soma smoothing short- it sounds like a compression name, but it’s not.
anon
men’s cotton boxer briefs are cool, comfy, and tend to cost less than similar products for women.
Anon
I tried those and they’re just not cut for someone with a butt. The waistband was really pulling low in the back for me.
Anonymous
Haha yes! My husband weighs like 100 pounds more than me but has a flat butt. His boxers do not fit me.
Anon
Thigh Society! Love them! I have the originals and the cooling.
Greensleeves
Yes, love the cooling version of these!
j
One vote to skip the shorts, and use the Megababe Thigh Saver. It’s a million times cooler, and I find really works!
Breakfast ideas
I eat breakfast with my kids every morning but also am trying to lose some weight or at least not gain. Suggestions for easy breakfasts that will still model good mealtime habits for young kids but that aren’t cinnamon raisin bagels with cream cheese or cereal or what have you?
Anon
Those little packets of oatmeal are a good breakfast for everyone. “Realer” oatmeal if you’re up for it.
Aunt Jamesina
My typical breakfasts:
-Greek yogurt with some oats, nuts, and fruit mixed in
-Ezekiel bread toast with avocado or egg and cheese
-oatmeal
-big green smoothie
PolyD
I do Greek yogurt with a drizzle of maple syrup, crushed pistachios, and chocolate hagelslag – which are chocolate sprinkles that the Dutch put on bread and are orders of magnitude better than the American chocolate sprinkles sold to decorate cakes.
I got this idea because there are/were Chobani stores in NYC that sold bowls of yogurt with small pieces of orange, dark chocolate bits, pistachios, and mint on it. I got too lazy to cut up the orange and don’t often have fresh mint, so my usual yogurt is a riff on that. I’ll also do that with bananas – cut up a banana and add crushed pistachios and hagelslag.
Ribena
Oh I love this idea!
Aunt Jamesina
My husband brought home some of these on his last Europe trip for work and I’m glad I’m not alone in putting them on yogurt!
Anonymous
What do you put in your smoothies?
Aunt Jamesina
Greek yogurt, kale, whatever frozen berries or fruit I have on hand, chia seeds, flax seeds, and some almond or oat milk to thin it out. I often add some raw oats to add some fiber. Half a banana for sweetness if it needs it.
Anon
Whole wheat toast with various toppings. I like peanut butter and apple, avocado and tomato, broccoli and tomato and a little cheese or hummus or pesto. I also make big batches of a healthy apple berry crisp (less sugar, lots of oats and nuts, oat milk and a bit of oil to moisten), just need to rehear in the morning.
Anonymous
Recipe for the apple berry crisp please!
Anon
I don’t really have one, though I started with a recipe for apple raspberry oat crumble from the King Arthur Whole Grain cookbook. I doubled the amount of oats and oat flour (2 cups each), use 1/2 to 1 cup brown sugar, and mix in some slivered almonds and cinnamon. Then I add some oil and oat milk until it comes together and no longer looks dry (instead of butter). The topping goes on top of a 9×13 pan of sliced apples and a mix of frozen berries (usually blueberries, sometimes raspberries or cranberries). I add just a sprinkle of oat flour to the fruit- more when there are more berries, less when there are fewer. Bake at 350 until a little brown on top and fruit is bubbling. It comes out sort of like a fruit heavy baked oatmeal, but I like the texture better (more oil and less milk makes it crisper vs cakier).
Anonymous
Oatmeal, whole wheat toast with peanut butter, yogurt, fruit, eggs. Healthy for anyone for breakfast.
Anonymous
Yogurt with homemade granola and fruit
Avocado toast on whole wheat bread
Peanut butter or almond butter toast on whole wheat bread
Scrambled eggs or microwave coffee cup scramble
Oatmeal with fruit
Baked oatmeal, made ahead and reheated
Cookie and Kate oat flour waffles, made ahead and reheated in the toaster
Cookie and Kate “healthy muffins” with white whole wheat flour, frozen and reheated
Anonymous
Scrambled eggs, toast, and a piece of fruit keep me full. I also do toast with peanut butter and bananas.
Anonymous
Scrambled eggs with spinach
Yogurt with fruit/nuts/honey
I lost weight eating both of these together
food
+1
These are what I alternate for “breakfast”.
Scrambled eggs with tomatoes on the side. Love it.
Greek yogurt full fat (for less sugar), fresh berries (blueberries/blackberries/rasperies from Costco). Honestly, I don’t even need honey with fresh berries.
I have nuts later as part of my lunch.
Anon
Best is if breakfast includes protein, fat, and carbs. The protein makes sure the carbs don’t spike blood sugar/insulin, and fat for satiety. Toast with avocado and egg, Egg scramble with veggies, greek yogurt with nuts and fruit, etc
DallasAnon
I make a breakfast casserole every Sunday which I think is pretty healthy. 6 eggs, a 16 oz bag of frozen chopped bell peppers, a 16 oz bag of frozen chopped broccoli, an onion chopped, 1/2 pound of sausage, tablespoon or so of reduced fat sour cream, splash of milk, salt and pepper
1. Saute onion and sausage together until fully cooked, add to mixing bowl draining as you can
2. saute bell peppers and broccoli until warmed through, drain out as much water as possible, add to mixing bowl
3. add eggs, milk, sour cream and salt and pepper to mixing bowl and mix
4. Put in baking pan (I use a 9×6 but an 8×8 would work fine) and bake at 350 for 40-50 minutes. If not fully set on surface, use broil for 3-5 minutes.
Split into 6 servings.
pugsnbourbon
Thanks for sharing! That sounds like a great easy breakfast option. Have you ever tried freezing it? Wondering how many I could make at once.
DallasAnon
I haven’t. There’s a lot of water in the veggies so I wonder how it freeze, but if you try it please let me know.
Anonymous
The issue is with freezing cooked eggs, not so much the veg.
Coach Laura
Pugs – I’ve frozen ones like this but I use fresh veggies (spinach, bell peppers, onions) not frozen because the food experts always say not to refreeze previously frozen food. I use Canadian bacon and parmesan cheese in mine and usually make it with some egg whites. I also put it in muffin tins for easy serving.
Anon
Greek yogurt with fruit or nuts/seeds, egg bites. For me the key is protein and fat in the morning, which keeps me full much longer than carbs.
No Problem
Interested in crowdsourcing some info on severance agreements. What is the standard amount of severance given in your company? Does it depend on the circumstances of severance (person made redundant by restructuring vs. performance issues)? How big is your company?
Anon
Old company, F50, 2 weeks per year service up to 52 weeks max, immediate vesting in long term incentives, proportional payout of short term incentives at target (which was usually a great deal for the severed ee because the poor company performance years tended to be the layoff years), continuation of benefits if you took the severance as continuing biweekly checks, none if you took a lump sum.
anon for this
Finance-adjacent. The agreements I saw a decade ago were 1 month salary for each year worked, 50% bonus payout for coming year, and 1 year paid career counseling/outplacement services.
Anon
Different financial services institutions in the 5,000 – 20,000 employee range. For layoffs, 2 weeks per year of service up to 52 weeks, plus outplacement. For true performance, nothing – you go on PIP and if you don’t improve you’re exited. For special circumstances, some kind of managed termination (e.g. they knew you were a performance problem for a long time, never documented, it finally came to a head and they want to make you go away and don’t have the right documentation), something akin to 50% of what you might have gotten in a layoff situation in order to get you to sign a release and just leave.
Anonymous
Nonprofit. Nothing.
anon
From two different mid law firms: 6 weeks severance regardless of longevity or role.
Anonymous
Three months plus two weeks for every year of service if you take in a lump sum.
Or nine months salary if you take it as fortnightly payments, until you find another job (great if you want to take time off).
anon
If someone at my pool wore this bikini top, we’d all be snarking about them. Sorry but that’s the truth and many of the “you do you” commenters either don’t care about being gossiped about or are really naive. I happen to have great abs and show them off at the pool but but in classier ways that don’t expose almost my entire upper half.
Anon
I think the gossiping reflects way more poorly than a woman confidently wearing a bikini top.
nyc
Agreed. It reads as jealousy. Let the women be!
Anon 2.0
I second this. Also, perhaps it may be time to examine the patriarchal undertones of gossiping about a woman who is more comfortable showing more skin than you? Just a thought…
Aunt Jamesina
Yup.
Anonymous
Anyone who thinks that wearing a VS bikini is feminist has been totally brainwashed by the patriarchy. VS was created for the benefit of men, not for women.
Anon
Yep.
Anon
Nobody said wearing a VS bikini is feminist? More like women should have the freedom to dress in a variety of ways without this crazy amount of judgement. I swear some of you are unhinged.
PolyD
Probably too late for this, but I had a very nice plain black, good coverage bikini top from Victoria Secret. It was one of the only places I could find a top that worked for my 32DDs – tops that come only in S, M, and L didn’t work. And at the time, they were cheaper, but just as good as Prana, which was one of the only other places I could find bra size tops. I prefer 2-pieces for ease of going to the bathroom and I hate having a cold damp suit on my midsection.
It’s not like all VS stuff is super super sexy – they sell plain cotton underwear, too. And most of their stuff doesn’t come printed with, This item is from VS – ogle me!!!
I’m really disappointed reading here today about women judging other women for wearing clothing they don’t approve of. I remember this happening in 1982, did not think it would still be a thing in 2022. How sad.
Anon
100%! So glad I’m not friends with some of the people here. It must seem totally normal to some people to be so mean about what a stranger is wearing, but let me tell you, my friends and I do not have these kinds of conversations. It would so not fly in my social circles.
Anonymous
Wow I’m glad I don’t live near you! This wouldn’t be noteworthy at my pool at all.
Anonymous
Ew. That is such basic B suburban mom BS. I always knew I wanted nothing to do with that crowd but I thought I was probably making unwarranted assumptions. Nope. I have gotten sooooo much confirmation of it recently. Have fun in perpetual teen movie high school.
Go for it
+1
Anonymous
What merits gossip about the men?
Anonymous
Not wearing a rashguard when they should really cover up that hairy, untoned torso?
Anon
There’s no reason to be ashamed of body hair or an untoned torso. Human bodies exist in all forms. I swear some of you need therapy, stat.
Anonymous
Speedos. Light colored trunks that show the entire outline of junk when wet.
Anonymous
Mmmm hmmmm. Sure.
Anon
I think the commenters saying “you do you” are women who don’t regularly think mean and petty things about other people. You should try it sometime.
Anonymous
The kids will gossip depending how old they are. I remember some classmates getting relentlessly teased for their parents poor judgement. I always felt bad that their mom or dads midlife crisis was leveraged against them, but it happened often. And no it wasn’t sexist, kids got made fun of just as much for their dads sports car.
Anon
There is no way I’m going to live my life based on kids’ gossip or opinions. F them kids! Life is short.
Anonymous
I can tell you that the kids who were teased for their parents decision making don’t have great relationships with their parents (if they even speak at all) but you do you.
Anon
I’m the only single mom (recently divorced) in my ritzy neighborhood. I know that my divorce caused a bit of a stir among some of the moms, and some of the kids have made mean comments to my kids at school. My ex was/is an alcoholic, but nobody but me knows that. They all assumed that I was having a mid life crisis. (I lost a ton of weight due to stress and depression, but people keep saying it was a glow up.)
I hope I’m teaching my kids to live their lives in a way that best suits them and not to be a slave to other people’s opinions. My kids and I have a wonderful relationship, depsite a tough year. I can’t imagine living my life to avoid judgement from other people, esp kids? Like what do they know? What a prison to create for yourself. Sad and honestly a little pathetic.
anon
This. Want your kids to take care of you later? Then care about them, including their opinions.
Anon
What?! Parents should not have an expectation of their kids taking care of their kids. You’re describing a perfect storm of resentment from both sides. What a twisted way of looking at parenthood
Anon
This whole thread feels like a throwback to a former era of blog comments here! We truly escalated from a red bikini top to being abandoned by our children.
Aunt Jamesina
If a kid chooses not to take care of their parents later because they wore or did something that embarrassed them, then literally no kid would ever take care of their parents.
Anon
Are you seriously trying to imply that wearing a bikini is so harmful to kids that they won’t want a relationship with you? You are absolutely out of your gd mind.
pugsnbourbon
Man it’s a helluva reach from “kids might get teased about their mom’s bathing suit” to “your kids won’t speak to you once they grow up.”
Aunt Jamesina
If I ever select my outfits out of a fear of what my kid’s friends might think, take me out to pasture.
The lesson here should be “don’t gossip or tease”, not “be sure to wear things that others will approve of”.
Anon
I mean, I think there’s a pretty big difference between wearing an ugly hat or a frumpy dress and having your boobs hanging out in front of all your kids friends. All parents will for sure wear something that embarrasses their kids at some point. But being the only mom at the pool in a VS bikini on a regular basis is going to get you and your kids labeled and teased in a way that can be really hard on your kids.
Anon
Especially with the recent boob job, she’d be the talk of the town.
Look, if you wear this all the dads (and teen boys) will be staring and fantasizing and the moms will hate you for it. If that’s what you want, you do you. Personally I’d be mortified to wear what is essentially push up lingerie around boys and men I know who aren’t my husband. And I love my body and natural DD boobs and have no problem rocking a sexy bikini on vacay.
Anon
Not this mom! Not everybody is petty, mean and judgemental.
Anon
This isn’t a thing. I mean, clearly there’s a group of women here with the emotional maturity of 15 year-olds, but I promise you most adults are better than this. I know you guys can’t see it because you’re surrounded by fellow mean girls, but it’s truly not normal.
Anon
It is absolutely a thing. You can say that you don’t think it should be a thing or that you personally wouldn’t judge a woman for wearing this, but it is factually a thing that other woman will judge the woman wearing lingerie to the pool and being ogled by all the husbands and boys.
Anon
Yeaaaaah – maybe you and your friends s_ck, but I can tell you that if I ever made snarky comments to my friends about another woman, they would not react well. I tend to hang out with well-adjusted, secure people who don’t go around looking down their noses at other people, especially when it does not concern them.
And the ogling comments are ridiculous. If my husband ogled another woman at the neighborhood pool, I’d be taking HIM to task, not the woman
Anon
Where do y’all live that adult men actively ogle women at a public pool? Genuinely curious. I feel like no dad in my orbit would do this (both because they’ve seen breasts before and they’re not conditioned to think that’s appropriate). If there were one who did, they’d generally be considered creepy/skeevy and no one would think twice to blame it on what the woman wore.
anon
This is a husband problem not a bathing suit problem.
Anonymous
Not a husband problem. It’s not my husband who is going to be ogling me if I wear this swimsuit.
Anon
She meant it’s the problem of the ogling husbands, not OPs. If they’re married to a dog, that’s on them.
Peloton
You’re right—I’d probably say something like “did you see Kathy? Wow, she looks great these days!”
Not every “talk of the town” is negative. Also, are we really back to “women are responsible for men’s thoughts?” That’s some 1996 Midwest energy.
Anon
Seriously. So gross.
nyc
Amen
Anon
Yeah – it’s both assuming men are animals AND that that is OP’s problem or fault. I hope it’s just one commenter being very active and not many women who think like this.
Anon
This is so silly. Men are not animals. If they’re a dad, especially, they should have seen countless breasts in their lives and also know that breasts literally feed babies. The idea that they’d feel openly comfortable ogling a mom in a bikini is baffling to me. If your husband or his friends are this type of guy, it’s their problem, not OPs.
Anon
The dads I know would be more discreet, but tween/teen boys definitely will not. And if OP has a son around that age it could make life very hard for him.
Anon
Genuine question – would the dads you know really be affected by it at all? I just think adult men are more mature than that, but maybe I’m naive.
Anon
I think they would notice the same way straight women would notice. At my suburban pool 99% of the moms are in rashguards or one pieces so a sexy/lingerie-inspired bikini would very out of place and I think most people would notice it and not in a positive way, especially if the kids involved are tweens or teens.
Anon
Hmm – I guess that seems different than all of the dads needing to take a cold shower just from the sight of her. Sounds more like silly pettiness/judginess that we should all get through.
Anon
People can be catty but that’s not OP’s issue, that an issue with the miserable catty people. And they are miserable. If you’re one of them, please reconsider your life choices.
Anonymous
She literally asked what people would think.
Anon
+1
Bikini Anon
No I actually didn’t ask what people would think -that’s not my concern. I was mostly just trying to decide whether to start big or work up to it. It was a frivolous question to think about the holiday weekend.
Anon
Imo you should wear the middle one, since you’re still learning how the “girls” will act, lol. Once you get the hang of them, you will have a better idea of how things will look. Have fun!!
anonymous
Your snarking on another woman just reflects poorly on you and your low self esteem. And you don’t seem like a very nice person. It’s no wonder women can’t get ahead in life, when other women are so mean to each other.
Bikini Anon
At 42, I feel way, way too old to be worried about people gossiping about my bathing suit. What a sad life.
For what it’s worth, I’m definitely going to wear the red one at some point. My only concern was whether I should start with it or work up slowly. (I’ve always been more of an “open the biggest present last” type of girl.)
Anonymous
If you have to ask, then you know that what you are really comfortable with is working up slowly. What is wrong with wearing #2 this weekend and #1 next weekend?
Anonymous
If you are trying to make a splash and get people to notice your surgery, wear the red one first.
Anonymous
+1 seems like OP wants the attention
anon
+1
Anon
Yup.
Anon
Y’all are crazy. She is excited about feeling confident in her body. That’s not wanting attention. I don’t understand how there is this much internalized misogyny out there. If a mom in her forties can’t wear a cute bikini top without getting lambasted for “wanting attention” by other women, God help us all.
Anon
Why does it take surgery to feel confident in one’s body? Misogyny.
Anon
Yeah, I can see that. But also: critique the world and the misogyny itself. Don’t critique and judge the woman. You’re just double penalizing women.
Anon
Now we are judging her surgery?! OMG. I got a tummy tuck and reduction, and my body is rocking. I’m 41 years old and plan on baring midriff alllllll summer. Be mad about it!
Anon
Yes. Undergoing elective surgery to conform to male-pleasing beauty standards is actively not helping women, and maybe even hurting them. I’m not saying I wouldn’t do it, or that I don’t take steps to conform to those standards myself, but you are kidding yourself if you think it’s an overall neutral decision. Our perceptions of what it takes to look good in this top or be confident at the pool are 100% informed by misogyny. OP should wear whatever she wants, but she could have worn whatever she wants before surgery. That’s my point.
Anon
Coming back in reading the comments from yesterday and man, this is fascinating.
OP got a b00b job – whether she realizes it or wants to admit it or not – because of societal messages about what a woman’s breasts “should” look like and internalized ideas that she picked up from the media about how larger, round breasts are “better.”
She wants to wear a flashy bikini to the pool – again, whether she realizes it, wants to admit it, or not – because she wants to receive attention and admiration she didn’t feel she got when she was flat-chested. Largely from men.
Women who tell her that trying to garner attention for her body in this particular context maybe isn’t wholly appropriate are shamed for “shaming her” and called prudes; ditto with the people who are pointing out that OP may want to do some examination of why she got the b00b job in the first place and why she wants to receive attention for her surgically-enhanced breasts.
I really, honestly could GAF about what anyone wears anywhere, at any time. I belong to a social club with a pool and everyone is super-chill; I have seen women of all ages there in all kinds of swimwear and no one bats an eye. One of the moms that goes regularly to the pool has tons of tattoos and wears a string bikini top with a boyshort bottom and no one has said anything to her or looked at her askance, to my knowledge. So it’s whatever.
I do think women who surgically enhance their breasts need to accept that they are not doing that “just for them” and that doing that is not “empowering.” Neither is “wearing whatever I want,” if A. what you’re wearing is designed to get attention and B. what you really want is male attention for a sexualized part of the female body. The “being sexy is empowering” is fake-feminism BS that has been sold to women by the patriarchy and mass media, sorry if you missed the memo. Having nice b00bs and showing them off at the family pool does not advance women in any way. It doesn’t help close the wage gap, it doesn’t help women access leadership positions in business or government, it doesn’t help ensure access to reproductive rights and women’s health services. Having nice b00bs and wearing a racy bikini top may be fun, but it is not “empowering.” What empowers women is, you know, actually getting power.
I really wish women would stop spending time, money and effort cultivating their appearance to appeal to the male gaze and then justifying it by saying it’s “empowering” for them or that “feminism is about choices.” Just admit you have subjugated your self-image to the demands of the patriarchy. Be intellectually honest about it, with yourself and with us. Think about the amount of money the OP spent on that surgery, and that all women spend on non-reconstructive breast augmentation. Then think about what would happen if that money were redirected into women’s education, poverty alleviation, or economic development causes. What a difference that would make! Wake up, ladies: They want us spending our time, money and emotional effort on our appearance for a reason. It is not accidental. All of those precious resources that we expend making ourselves attractive to men are resources that could be incredibly powerful if they were redirected into things that would actually transfer power to women. Please do not get it twisted: if you do things like plastic surgery saying “this is just for me,” it is not, in fact, just for you. It also doesn’t just impact you that you’ve made that choice.
Anonymous
why are you thinking of yourself in a bikini a present for the neighborhood?
Anon
Holy crap she’s obviously talking about for herself. Do you get off on being such a b?
Anonymous
I mean she WANTS to be oggled by the teenage boys and other dads, so idk what you’re expecting.
Peloton
It’s amazing to be unable to be kind AND to be unable to spell.
Anon
You sound like those fools who say women are ‘asking for it’ when they dress provocatively. Grow up.
Anon
Girl, I feel like you’re either married to a man who’s kind of gross, or you have insecurities you need to work through. Other dads ogling women at a pool is NOT NORMAL and should not be forced upon a woman to anticipate. The idea that women doing something to feel cute being equated with actively wanting to tempt other husbands is ridiculous. If the father of your child can’t control his gaze at a public pool, that is absolutely his problem. And from the meanness of your post, it seems like also yours.
Anon
I would give some side-eye to someone wearing this bikini at a family event, and OP’s comment at 11:29 just reenforces my thought that someone wearing it is trying to get attention and that’s not my kind of person
Anon
I buy cute lingerie to feel happy in my body for myself. I love looking at my body in the mirror. I would absolutely HATE for a dad to ogle me in any context. The idea of someone loving their body being the same as actively trying to court attention is silly.
It sounds like the real enemy here is men who lavish attention on women at public pools. Let’s be grossed out by that and not penalize moms for wearing whatever makes them happy.
Anon
Just say you have a bad personality and be done with it.
I’m sorry OP – these comments are out of control
Anon
But do you wear the cute lingerie in public? No one is saying don’t buy the cute lingerie or bikini and wear it for yourself and your husband. Or even in public if that’s your thing. But when you dress ultra sexy at a family event you can expect men to stare and people to gossip, because your outfit is out of place for the event.
Anon
I don’t wear the lingerie in public, but if I had a bathing suit I loved that made me feel happy/confident, I wouldn’t want to not wear it just because of judgment. I wouldn’t want any woman to have to limit herself like that. It’s possible to have things make you feel cute AND not actively be courting attention.
I.E., the fact that I wear lingerie for myself indicates that feeling sexy or beautiful can be for you, even if there is literally no audience. You should be allowed to carry that feeling into spaces even where there is an audience present, and not worry at all about what that audience thinks.
Anon
I feel like you really hate other women. She obviously is talking about it being a present for herself. Ask yourself why you feel this much anger about it and then maybe bring it up with your therapist. It’s a lot more joyful to come to the world from a place of love (especially toward women) then from your own anxieties and fears.
Anon
No women are helped when women spend money, time and other resources to uphold and reinforce patriarchal standards about female appearance and behavior.
I support women but I also need women to examine and own their choices. Getting a b00b job and showing off the new b00bs at the neighborhood pool is not, as someone else said, a neutral choice. We can “support women” without approving of every choice every woman makes everywhere ever. Stop trying to make this binary; it very much is not.
Anon
From a style perspective, the red one is super outdated. Highly recommend checking out more modern styles.
Anonymous
+1
Lina
Eek, OP, I’m so sorry that you are having to deal with all of these awful comments! For what it’s worth, I think that this is maybe just a couple of commenters who are deeply, deeply insecure. It sounds like there are some women who hate the idea of their men looking at other women (sorry to say, but if your husband is ogling other moms in bikinis, he’s kind of a perv and that’s HIS problem. Most men in their forties should have seen enough breasts by now to not be a gross idiot about it.). It also sounds like some women who hate the idea of other women being confident in their bodies and want to tear them down.
Wearing a bikini top is not a sexual to do. Breasts do not need to be sexualized constantly, especially when they belong to a MOTHER. Second, it is totally fine to be sexy and cute, if that’s what you want!
I think there is a mix of folks projecting their own judginess, and then others who anticipate judginess from others and want to protect you from it. I admit, at first I was in the latter (who knows how these suburban moms will react?) but now I see that by trying to anticipate and work around misogyny, we are reaffirming and creating it in the world. Wear whatever you want and don’t let anyone make you feel bad about a) loving your body b) being comfortable in it and not constantly feeling like you have to anticipate sexualization.
Also again – if you live in a world where you feel like all the husbands are dogs who can’t help ogling and fantasizing about other women at a public pool because she’s wearing a bikini top, I feel so sorry for you. You either live around a lot of doggish men or you have some anxieties you need to work through. Men are fully capable of controlling sexual impulses and behaving like normal human beings, and if they’re not, they need to learn that that’s absolutely on them to learn how to do.
Anonymous
Do you live in the real world? In the real world, some proportion of men are gross animals. The fact that they shouldn’t be doesn’t negate the fact that they are. It isn’t and shouldn’t be our job to prevent men from being gross animals by covering up, but if I can avoid that type of attention by wearing a cute sporty bikini instead of one that says “join me in the hot tub” I am certainly going to avoid it.
Also, it’s so cute that you think you are exercising your freedom of choice by wearing exactly what men want you to wear.
Anon
This.
Anon
Yes, but what I’m saying is that if you are married to one of those “gross animals,” that’s your problem and his. People on this thread aren’t saying “girl, be safe and make sure you’ll feel comfortable!” They’re saying “other women’s husbands will stare and lust at you and other women will hate you for it.”
If she doesn’t want that attention, obviously she can make that decision. But normalizing the idea that men are constantly lusty and women should never ever wear a bikini top lest they tempt them, and that other women will definitely hate the bikini-clad woman for attracting the lust of their husbands, is SOOO toxic.
As the victim of SA, I’m totally aware of how disgusting some men are. I refuse to normalize “gross animal” behavior or treat it as universal, and I double-double refuse to penalize women for it or normalize judging/scorning a mother for being the subject of sexual attention in a public setting.
You are exercising your freedom of choice by wearing whatever you want to wear. I personally wear one-pieces, but if you want to wear a bikini, the idea of not wearing it to spite the men does not sound empowering to me.
Anon
No one has said don’t wear the swimsuit. They are saying wear it to a adult event, not the family event. Just like I wear different types of clothing out on a date night with my husband and to a school event for my kids.
Anon
You must be missing the comments about how OP must actively want all the dads and teen boys to ogle her, and how all the women will judge her for it…
An.On.
I have definitively committed to leaving my job and starting my own practice and I am so anxious/excited! I feel like I’m on the diving board getting ready to jump. Any good tips or stories about leaving on good terms and working solo to give me confidence?
Anon
Do it and don’t look back! You’re amazing and you’re going to crush it
Anonymous
Expect some people to be jerks. They’ll be jerks. In five years they’ll have found someone else to be a jerk to and might even refer you business or try to claim some credit for your success. Haters gonna hate, don’t let it get you down. You got this!
Anon
Don’t cheap out on your rates when someone whines they can’t afford you after all. Track you trust account RELIGIOUSLY. You do NOT want to screw it up. Hand out business cards. Go to fund-raising events, business association events, etc. Sponsor or advertise at these events. Don’t cheap out on your support staff, either. You get what you pay for.
Sunflower
I left a law firm partnership years ago and opened my ow practice. 100% of my clients came with me and it couldn’t have worked out better. Feel free to email me questions at SunflowerReader at yahoo dot com.
anon
Can someone help me find a pool cover up? It doesn’t seem like it should be this hard to find what I’m looking for but I just haven’t had luck. Requirements: short sleeved or sleeveless (NOT strappy, feels too much like a nightgown to me), above the knee (can’t deal with midi or full length), button down would be great so I don’t have to struggle to get it over my head. Nothing too sexy since I’ll be at the neighborhood pool with my kids. Price doesn’t matter. Thanks!
Anonymous
I have more luck with actual dresses than with garments intended to be cover-ups.
Anon
A button-down closure is rare in true pool coverups, but a tunic-length, slightly oversized linen or cotton shirt is great for this purpose. Gap, Lands’ End, J Crew should all have variations of this style in their regular non-swimwear departments. Look for a lightweight fabric so it will dry quickly if it gets wet.
FP
What about this one from Vineyard Vines? If the link is in mod, it’s the “Belle Stripe Dolman Cover-Up.”
https://www.vineyardvines.com/womens-cover-ups/belle-stripe-dolman-cover-up/2C001257.html?dwvar_2C001257_color=475&cgid=Womens-Swim-Coverups#start=33&sz=60&cgid=Womens-Swim-Coverups
The Lone Ranger
https://www.talbots.com/cabana-life-coral-coast-tie-waist-cover-up/P221014945.html?cgid=apparel-sun-and-swim-swimsuits-cabana-life&dwvar_P221014945_color=CORAL%20COAST%20MULTI&dwvar_P221014945_sizeType=MS
anon
Looking for the same thing. I love the stuff from Cabana Life, but that is way more than I’m willing to spend on a coverup that’s seen at the YMCA pool.
kitten
I bought a linen button down in 4 sizes too big for this purpose from Zara
Shelle
I see some cute coverups at Aerie including a button-down “oversized dad shirt” but it’s long sleeved. Could you get crafty and remove the sleeves? I own a few cover-ups from them that I’m happy with.
Anon
Sounds like a button down oversize shirt might work?
Or this meets your requirements except button up: https://factory.jcrew.com/p/womens/categories/clothing/swimsuits-and-cover-ups/cover-ups/fringe-tunic/G4885
I have and it’s cute and comfy!
Notinstafamous
Everlane has some linen shirt dresses that might work?
Notinstafamous
https://www.everlane.com/products/womens-daytripper-shirtdress-navy?collection=womens-dresses
https://www.everlane.com/products/womens-linen-workwear-dress-deep-blue?collection=womens-dresses
A
https://www.roopantaran.com/categories/kaftan-regular
Anonymous
Complete newbie question but how exactly do you find the lowest/best interest rates for mortgages? Vaguely started looking for a house last winter and just went to my bank (Citi) for a pre approval. Assumed it was a good competitive rate but didn’t care if it was the best of the best as I knew that pre approval would expire without me buying as the market I’m in was in bidding war craze. As bidding war craze was ending, I had a realtor/broker say to me – oh you have to go with a local lender here in the DC area, I’ve seen deals not get done because no one is going to wait for a national bank.
I suspect she may have been pushing a place she had a relationship with and now as the market is MUCH slower (like 1-2 offers per house at all price points rather than 15), I can’t imagine a seller walking away over who you are financing with. So how exactly do people find the best rates? I know Credit Karma etc. have those comparison charts but IDK is it really ok to go with a bank in Missouri you’ve never heard of when you’re buying half way across the country? How do you do this?
anon
As someone who has had mortgages through big national banks and local lenders, as well as worked in real estate, local lenders allllll day errrrrry day. You are a number to a huge bank and won’t have a specific loan officer to call directly when there is an issue. Real estate agents tend to work mainly with a local lender because it makes everything for their client easier. You certainly don’t have to use the local lender, or their specifically, ut you should consider it.
InHouse Anon
+1. Work with someone who will answer your phone call on a Sunday afternoon when you want to put in an offer on a house you’ve toured over the weekend. We use USAA for everything but our mortgages.
anon
I highly recommend working with a local lender. My husband got a mortgage for a rental property through rocket mortgage and they were truly terrible. They tried to cancel his loan without telling him, it was a nightmare. Conversely, when we got a mortgage for our home, we worked with a local lender at my local bank, and she was an angel. She helped us through a number of sticky issues and made the process really smooth. I’m sure rocket mortgage is worse than a national bank chain, but after our experience on our home loan, I will always go with a lender at our local bank.
anon a mouse
Local lender. Ask your realtor for 2-3 names, or ask friends/FB/nextdoor who they’ve used. Generally we’ve had better luck with a broker who works with lots of different lenders and can find you the best deal. We had a go-to broker for years but then his firm was swallowed up by a bank and then the rates weren’t as competitive. We now use a guy who plays rec sports with my husband, but his rates are great and he is super fast on everything.
Also, if you get a pre-approval from your realtor’s guy, you are not bound to use him. You can shop around (quickly) once you have an approved offer.
Anon
Just to push back on not imagining a seller caring, if I have multiple comparable offers to choose from and a splitting hair difference is one is using a lender my agent knows will get done quick vs one where it’s even a question, absolutely I will go with the higher confidence lender. Selling a home even when you have the upper hand in the market is high stress, high stakes, the timing matters, and I don’t want any surprises.
Anonymous
I’m in NOVA and am curious if we have the same realtor, or if this is just very common advice….
Anonymous
I am confused about what a “local lender” actually is. Are there really any small local banks or credit unions that actually make mortgage loans? Our credit union makes car loans, but for mortgages it just acts as a broker for the big banks. There are local mortgage brokers, but they all deal with the big banks too.
Anonymous
12:59 here. Yes, the agency our realtor recommends is a local direct lender.
anon
Yes. My current mortgage is still managed by the local bank which extended it to me.
Books on weight loss / health
What are people’s favorite books on the topics of weight loss, health, etc.? For example, I recently liked “The End of Overeating”.
I have a health subsidy from my company that expires after today so thought I’d order a few books to use up the remainder.
Ribena
I don’t have an amazing relationship with food and eating, and when it goes a bit squirrelly (typically after I’ve spent a couple of months calorie counting and losing 5-10 lbs) I reread The Reading Cure by Laura Freeman. She always puts me back on a healthier track
Anon
Is that the palatability hypothesis book? I kind of liked the Pioppi diet book, but that’s probably because it flatters my diet, because I want to live on the west coast of Italy or as if I do, and because I need the reminders about moving.
Most of the rest of the books on my list are specific to conditions I have. I bought Hormone Repair Manual since I found Period Repair Manual helpful (it gave me some things to discuss w/my doctor), but I haven’t read it yet.
Not sure if Maya Dusenbery’s Doing Harm would count, but it probably should! Same for How Doctors Think.
Anonymous
Burnout by nagasoki
Mouse
Intuitive Eating, The F*ck It Diet.
Anon
I like cookbooks with lots of recipes that make it easy to cook healthy food. Recently, I’ve liked the Run Fast Eat Slow books from the runner Shalane Flanagan (I don’t run anymore, but the recipes are good for anyone trying to boost nutrition while busy and active). I just got the Fiber Fueled cookbook from the library and thought it looked pretty good- it’s sort of targeted at people with gut issues, but mostly aims to increase fiber and the recipes seemed to match my tastes pretty well. The America’s Test Kitchen Plant Based and Mediterranean cookbooks also have mostly reasonably healthy stuff.
Anonymous
Younger Next Year
Second the recommendation for Run Fast, Eat Slow
Also instructional books for sports you are interested in
Anonymous
Gut: The Inside Story of Our Body’s Most Underrated Organ, by Giulia Enders
Running Like a Girl: Notes on Learning to Run by Alexandra Heminsley
Fast 800 by Michael Mosley
Anon for this
Just wanted to celebrate what I can’t tell people in real life: I got a big raise and am finally being compensated appropriately after years of being over worked and under paid! YAY! Over the last 2 years, my salary has come up over 50%, without even getting promoted in that period!
This is definitely a combination of Great Resignation + inflation, neither of which have been fun, but as long as my future salaries and bonuses are all based on a % of that much higher base, it’s definitely turned out to be worth it!
anonymous
That’s great news! Congrats.
Anon
Congrats!
But also, I want to push back on the “can’t tell people in real life” mentality. Of course it’s gauche to share this with everybody, but I’d highly recommend identifying a friend or two that you can celebrate this with! Everyone deserves to have someone cerebrate this great news with them!
I have two friends I do this with – we’re all in different industries and sometimes I share the amount/percentage and sometimes I don’t but we always tell each other about raises/promotions (and we always grab a drink to celebrate them). Just because I’m not partnered doesn’t mean I have to share the good news anonymously
pugsnbourbon
+1 tell your friends! I love love love hearing about my friends’ wins, big and little.
Anon
+1
If you can’t celebrate your big wins with your friends then they’re not that good of friends …
Anon
I just found out a friend’s new home cost $7.5 million dollars and am shellshocked. The property taxes alone are more than my annual salary, and I earn more than a lot of people. I knew she and her husband were affluent, but I thought like mid-six figures household income affluent. They have to be bringing in $2M+ annually to buy a house like this, right? It’s not family money.
Anonymous
The fact that you didn’t know how wealthy she was is probably a good thing, right? It means she acts like a normal person?
Anon
Yeah, it’s not a criticism of her at all. I’m just shocked and needed a place to anonymously express my shock.
Anonymous
Yeah they got real money
Anon
There are an infinite number of scenarios that could explain how they can afford that house and if you didn’t even know how much it cost you’re obviously not going to know any of the other details about where the money came from.
pugsnbourbon
Damn sounds like they’re good friends to have!
I know someone who got an insurance payout as a kid – he’d been kicked in the head by a cow or something equally odd – and his parents put it away for him. He was able to buy a super nice house at like, 25. You just never know someone’s full details.
food
Impressive.
I know several people who live in homes like that, but all of them were purchased by their wealthy parents’ Trusts. So the “owners” of the homes are actually the Trust/parents, I guess.
That’s pretty rich!
Peloton
Were either of them pre-IPO employees at a tech company? Entirely possible they had a large lump sum of cash and actually have a relatively small mortgage—this is pretty common in the Bay Area, for example.
Peloton
In other words—you can’t determine anything about their income from the house price. Just about their ability to purchase that particular asset.
Anon
+1
While I’m sure they also do well, this is a level where to think about their affordability from an income level is likely not super relevant. There is probably something else at play here.
NYCer
+2.
Anon
Hopefully the house has a lovely pool to match and you can spend a few days swimming there this summer :)
Anon
Wow, it is it Internalized Misogyny Friday around here or what?! What a good day to be taking off early.
Horse Crazy
For real.
Anonymous
The people with the internalized misogyny are the ones who think it is OK to wear Victoria’s Secret.
Anon
I hear the Taliban is hiring – you should apply!
Anonymous
VS is pretty much the same thing. Dressing women for the benefit of men.
Anon
+1 I hate that company so much.
Anon
Hate Victoria’s Secret and Lex Wexner for being misogynistic. DON’T put that onto a mom wearing a cute bikini top. It’s not the same.
Anonymous
She shouldn’t be giving them her money or perpetuating the male attitudes.
Anon
She can wear whatever she wants but it’s not misogynistic to say the bikini was made to arouse straight men and will do exactly that. Wearing a bikini that was designed with men’s desires at the forefront is not the “smash the patriarchy” moment you seem to think it is.
Anon
I’m a straight woman and I love boobs. I love other women’s boobs and I love my own. I think they’re beautiful in sexual and non-sexual contexts. I think that women’s bodies are beautiful in both contexts. I’ve felt this way since I was a kid, so it’s not conditioning. The idea that women’s bodies, and the revelation of them, exist only to cater to the male gaze is silly. It’s human to love your own body and to love other people’s bodies, and to like a cute swimsuit top does not mean you are catering to male gaze.
There is the existence of misogyny and the male gaze and the commodification of women’s bodies. There is also a natural, abundant love for bodies that comes from being human. I feel like people on this thread are so wounded by the effects of misogyny that it’s hard to access that bodies and sex are beautiful and can exist outside of just being for men. Women can love themselves, love their bodies, love each other’s bodies. Not everything is for men and it’s so sad how much fear and anxiety it seems like there is on here.
Anonymous
Until men clean up their act, the only place that anon @ 3:11’s body-positive utopia can exist is a place where only women are allowed.
Anon
Not saying that a reality without misogyny exists. I’m just saying acting like that every single aspect of the female body and its presentation exists EXCLUSIVELY for male consumption is sad and untrue. Yes misogyny exists; yes, it’s possible as a woman to appreciate your own body and other women’s without being colonized by misogyny.
Anon
It’s ok to wear anything you want. You live a sad little existence if you don’t see that. I’m genuinely sorry for you.
Anon
+1 I feel genuinely sad that these commenters live their lives in such a mean, petty way. There are a million interesting things to talk and think about!
Anon
Honestly, the above thread really helped me become aware of my own internalized misogyny. I am ideologically a “let other women wear whatever” person, but on some gut-level get mad at beautiful movie stars for doing nude scenes. I think it’s hard for women to exist in a world where we’re constantly bombarded with the idea that men are sex fiends who can’t control themselves. The above thread really highlighted how silly and unfounded that is. Men CAN control themselves and I hope we can live in a world where we aren’t so effing weird about women’s bodies. I want to take the first step of working through whatever weird stuff I have internally as to not contribute to the problem. Hope other women on here can do the same to be at least a tiny step closer to the type of world we’d want to inhabit.
Anon
this is really self aware abd great to read.
i think done of it comes form comfort in our own skin too. I’d
been skinny with great skin and considered pretty most of my life and was comfortable until health issues added 100 pounds to my frame. I grew up in a pretty standard background but had diverse friends in teens and twenties who owned my mind even if I didn’t get more diverse in what I ebbed (poly amory isn’t for me, for example, and I’m comfortablein my straightness. I still know that my conditioning from ads etc mean I prefer thin bodiea)
I can be self conscious and still be happy for people who are cool with themselves. (I’m also the yay b00bs commenter)
Anon
Especially love the ‘being mean to other women is feminism’ POV
Anon
+1 This is insane.
Anon
The only internalized misogyny I see is the OP believing she got the boob job “for herself,” and not in response to deeply internalized messages fed to her by the patriarchy that made her believe her body was not okay as it was.
Who benefits when women hate their bodies so much they decide the only solution is to alter their bodies surgically? Not women.
Anon
Exactly.