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Updated: May 26, 2022 224 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Tall Story Tote

Coffee Break |

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The Nordstrom Half Yearly Sale has started, and as always it's taking me longer than anticipated to round it up… so in the meantime, here's a little taste for today's Coffee Break: this fun red tote from Alexander McQueen! I like the way it feels oversized since the details feel like they belong on a much smaller bag. It seems like it would be a great size for a commute to work with papers, folders and more.

The bag is available at $1554-$2890 in various colors; the pictured bag is $1734.

This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

Sales of note for 9.30.24

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. Elle

    I have a print of this figure study on wall (url below) and I need another piece of art next to it, but I’m stumped! It’s very beachy/summery, but I don’t live near the coast so I don’t want to do another coastal print. What would you do?

    • Vicky Austin

      Mine so far:
      -Drink rose on my patio
      -Take my dog swimming
      -Eat as many meals outside as I possibly can
      -Make my own pesto
      -Visit the farmers’ market lots
      -Make this caprese pasta dish that has been eluding me for three summers now
      -Make a gorgeous flag cake for the 4th of July
      -Weekend away with my husband + dog before busy season starts in the fall
      -Do two new hiking trails at our local state park
      -Standing lunch date with my husband since we both have summer Fridays
      -Try to fix our grill so we can use it
      -Enjoy the sunrise at least once

    • Anonymous

      – regular nail care
      – read 15 books (roughly June-August)
      – go to my city’s free yoga in the park sessions a couple times a month
      – take a day every weekend off email

      • Bonnie Kate

        your last one – yes! I’m adding take every Sunday off of social media and email.

    • Anonymous

      Minor league baseball game with friends
      Bike rides
      Actually use our fancy new low-smoke firepit
      Make jam
      Bake rhubarb tart
      Prepare ambitious new chamber choir piece for rehearsals that start in August
      Read fluffy novels on the deck while drinking iced coffee or rose
      Keep pasta salad in the fridge for impromptu alfresco dinners
      Work from lounge chair at neighborhood pool
      Get belay certified and climb with my teenager
      Go paddleboarding
      Go river tubing
      Take dog for long walk to the lake every morning

      • Bonnie Kate

        if the low smoke fire pit is the solo stove, I definitely want a review after you use it!

        • Betsy

          I have a solo stove and would say it is low smoke, definitely not no smoke, but it’s easy to light a fire in it and it’s very enjoyable to sit around. Would certainly recommend!

          • Anonymous

            Agreed. Also, Do not get the inside wet. Put it out with a metal topper

      • Vicky Austin

        Fluffy novels on the deck while drinking iced coffee is how I have just decided to spend Saturday morning. That sounds absolutely divine.

    • Anonymous

      – more pool time
      – a low alcohol spritz
      – hot dogs
      – oysters
      – splash pad with my nephew
      – take the ferry home from work at least once

      • Anonymous

        Your last one makes me sad. I used to work in downtown Chicago and told myself I would take the river taxi. Seven years and didn’t do it once. Don’t be me!

    • Anon

      – Drink morning coffee on the deck
      – Hike more
      – Actually swim in the stupid pool I spend so much time maintaining and never use
      – Have friends over for lawn games
      – Use my fire pit
      – Saturday morning farmer’s market

    • Anon

      Thank you for this! After yesterday’s thread, I was going to head to Pinterest and look for one of those seasonal bucket list infographics.

      Attend our small town 4th of July parade and fireworks
      Eat as much watermelon as possible
      Go swimming more often
      Go kayaking more often
      Bike around town
      Get a little sunshine! (Less time indoors staring at a computer screen)

    • Bonnie Kate

      My list is getting long from adding things from all of your guys lists! :D

      – Drink rose on the front porch
      – Take my dog swimming
      – Go swimming in the creek
      – Go on the boat at least once a month with DH
      – Make my own bruschetta with tomatoes I grew myself
      – Eat as many meals outside as I possibly can
      – Picnic table in back yard
      – Mini golfing with bff + husbands
      – Perfect 10 new salad recipes
      – Eat ice cream for dinner the first time it hits 100 degrees
      – Dinner at a specific patio restaurant
      – Try a certain highly reviewed restaurant that’s hard to get into and only open seasonly
      – Pink nail gel manicure
      – Eat lunch at favorite local coffeeshop once a week
      – Teach Saturday morning yoga classes
      – Play Spotify summer playlists every day
      – Hike in 5 new state parks
      – Local hiking trail challenge sponsored by our county health dept.
      – Yoga on the front porch every week
      – Read in the hammock in the trees every week
      – Make/preserve strawberry jam
      – Make/preserve homemade tomato sauce
      – Bonfire at home with s’mores
      – Brat and hot dogs on the grill

      • Anon

        I love the idea of exploring new parks and towns – we’re so guilty of going to the same places!

    • anonshmanon

      One I did this weekend was to go cherry/berry picking with some friends, and then we had a picnic in a nearby park.

    • Explorette

      -check out my book club books from the library
      -go to the beach
      -go on a backpacking trip
      -eat popsicles on the patio
      -go to the public pool
      -go to a water park
      -go rafting
      -go camping with my nephews

    • Curious

      Love this!
      – Take the ferry with the baby for a day at the botanical gardens (scheduled for this weekend!)
      – Go on my first post-chemo hike!
      – Have Friday night outdoor pizza nights with friends (already on #3 this week!)
      – Have Saturday morning park playdates with the kids the baby will go to daycare with. At least once have this time include lounging in the sun.
      – Buy some fun new clothes for back to work in July
      Basically lots of sun and friends and color.

    • Anan

      -Complete the Maryland Ice Cream Trail
      – our County has selfie stands at various parks and my goal is to find all of them and take a selfie.
      – drink lots of bubble tea
      – go strawberry picking
      – can peaches to enjoy during the depths of winter
      – camping and hiking with the kids
      – time at the pool
      – find a beach
      – plan at least one mom’s night out or playdate with my mom’s group.
      – stay up late and wake with the sun.
      – summer concerts on the lawn
      – find the perfect pair of sandals
      – go to a mid-week movie matinee when it is 100 degrees outside.

  3. Anonymous

    My sister just tested positive for Covid. We were in a car together for 7 hours this week as I helped her move. I’m bummed. And starting to feel the same symptoms. I’m trying to decipher current guidance. She started feeling crummy on Monday, really felt bad Tuesday, didn’t feel great yesterday, tested positive last night, told me today. I started feeling crummy yesterday, don’t feel great today, but have tested negative. If I don’t test positive, can I work (masked in the same room as other people) next Tuesday? If I do test positive tomorrow or Saturday, is isolation five days from positive test?

    • Anon

      I got a pretty bad case of COVID and even at my peak-symptoms I still tested negative on two iHealth tests, but then was positive with Binax tests for almost a week. False negatives on at-home tests are common. If you were exposed and had symptoms, I’d operate under the assumption that you have COVID.

      I would say absolutely do not go into the office. I’d personally be livid if I found out someone came into the office with COVID. It sucks, but I’d recommend quarantining starting now. If I were you, I would do 10 days (if you have no symptoms at the 10-day mark) or until you get a negative PCR test.

      This is potentially more cautious than others would be; however, you can very easily be contagious at the 5-day mark and that CDC guideline came from lobbying pressure from corporate employers. I got COVID and was seriously ill for 2 weeks. The CDC came out with a report that 1 in 5 patients may develop symptoms of long COVID. 1 in 300 Americans has died from COVID, and half of those deaths have been since vaccines became widely available.

      It sucks to quarantine, but the feelings of giving someone COVID is far far worse than responsibly isolating. You may not come into contact to someone with cancer that makes them vaccine-resistant, but you could easily easily give it to someone who gives it to someone who does. Coming into contact with anyone while you have COVID or are contagious is causing them physical harm and negatively impacting their health, as well as the health of anyone they go onto infect. It’s really really not worth it.

      • Anon

        “I’d personally be livid if I found out someone came into the office with COVID. “

        + a million to this.

        OP, you know you have it. This isn’t like “I was exposed but I’m not sure.” You have symptoms. Don’t try to give yourself a pass on doing the right thing because of a technicality on the home test.

    • Anonymous

      You’ll test positive tmrw. Then it’s 5 days isolation plus another 5 days fully masked, but you really should isolate 10
      Days.

    • Anon

      Echoing – 10 days quarantine or until negative PCR test is really the responsible thing to do. I’d wear an N95 while around others until you get a negative PCR even after the 10 days.

        • Anon

          That’s very, very rare. I tested negative on a PCR around 9 days after first developing symptoms.

          • Sasha

            It’s not rare at all. Many people will test positive on PCRs for a long time after they are no longer contagious, which is why when you are flying into a country that requires a negative test, they also accept a positive test + a positive test from 7 or more days ago + doctor’s note. The CDC guidance is that you are no longer contagious 5 days after symptoms start, so that would be my recommendation to OP.

          • Curious

            California’s department of health guidance allows for negative on an at home test since PCR can be positive for a looong time. We have been following them.

        • Anon

          +1

          My NP friends both did until negative rapid test because as stated above, you can test positive on a PCR for months

      • Anon

        Cautioning against using this calendar, since the CDC is recommending only 5 day quarantine, which is very, very lax. At the 10-day mark, most people are no longer contagious. Prior to that you could easily infect someone else.

        • Anon

          Sorry, but I’m going to follow the CDC’s guidance over some nebulous “cautioning” from some rando on the Internet.

        • Anonymous

          Yep. This. I know so many people right now that have given it to others around that “over five day but not 10 day” mark.

      • Anonymous

        Exposure followed by symptoms makes that moot. (And technically that’s a 12 day window even though most folks will start testing positive around day 3 or 4.)

    • Anon

      Wait to see how long you feel icky. At this for me, I felt pretty gross for about 7-10 days, so I stayed home regardless – even if you technically can go to work, you likely won’t want to.

      • Anon

        Adding on, your employer likely wants to know if you have COVID and will give you accommodations on your workload / guidelines on returning to the office. I’d say tell them you have COVID as a first step. Definitely don’t go in without telling them first about the exposure and symptoms.

    • Anon

      You almost certainly have it. Take another rapid test and swab your throat (like the back of your tongue) and you’ll probably test positive– that’s how it was for me the first day I had symptoms with Omicron, first nasal-only test was negative, throat test was positive. Or test tomorrow and you’ll be positive. Isolation starts from the onset of symptoms.

      • Anon

        +1 the Rapid NAAT tests are super accurate (they’re nucleic acid amplification tests, not antigen) and you normally get results within an hour or two. And they’re free, so you don’t have to spend money on home tests. We used to stockpile home tests but now we just go to Walgreens whenever we have symptoms or need a test for traveling.

    • Wendy L

      If you’re able to work from home, then that seems like the right choice. If you feel poorly then that’s the main reason to not sit next to others, even masked or even without a positive test.

    • Amy

      From what I read on the CDC website, positive vs negative test doesn’t matter if you have symptoms + exposure + positive test. You isolate for 5 days and mask in public for 10, starting on the day your symptoms started. There’s a handy calculator on the CDC website that will tell you when you can do what.

      • Anonymous

        Vaccinated people can still get it and spread it! If you actually have COVID, which she obviously does because she was exposed and have symptoms, you need to stay home.

      • Anonymous

        She asked if she could go to work if she tests negative 5-7 days after exposure. That is totally reasonable.

    • Anon

      You should absolutely isolate because you have covid, and you shouldn’t go into the office. When I got Covid it was 3 days sinus, symptoms, no positive rapid tests, then fever/aches, positive test, tested positive on rapid tests for 8 days, finally tested negative day 9.

      If you are testing positive on rapid tests that is a guarantee you are contagious to others.

      I had just gotten my booster 3 months before so it’s no guarantee you’ll only have a quick duration of the contagious period.

  4. Anonymous

    To what extent did you or your spouse (or your siblings) do things whether professionally or personally with the goal of “making your parents proud?” Like is that a thing for people – outside of say 21 year olds drafted into the NFL/NBA who always say it’s all for their parents/they want to give their parents the world? Curious because someone just mentioned making parents proud in a white collar job interview and I think it may be the first time I’ve ever heard it. He wasn’t 22 – more like 40 with a decade and a half of experience, no obvious immigrant background that I could tell. It doesn’t matter one way or the other for the interview process, I was just left thinking – hmm am I the only one for whom this did not matter at all?

    • Anon

      I have heard that from first generation to college people (who are not immigrants). I’m used to everyone going to college b/c I’m from outside NYC (#striversall) but many of my friends’ parents did not go to college and their kids going to college was a huge deal within the family.

    • InHouse Anon

      Whoops, avoiding mod:
      I think a lot of my husband’s career decisions have been motivated in part by making his parents proud. He’s the son of immigrants who worked their tails off in blue collar, often menial, jobs to give him and his brother “a bett3r life.” He was very proud of going to work in the NYC in skyscrapers his parents could see from across the river. When he decided to re-join the army, he did worry about disappointing his parents because he’d be doing a “blue collar” job, when his parents had worked so hard for him NOT to have to do this. (For the record they’re totally fine with it and so proud of anything he does, it’s very sweet.) But he’d never say any of this to a potential employer.

    • anon

      Never. This thought has never once crossed my mind when it comes to my professional life. My parents barely understand what I do as it is sooooo

    • Anon

      It’s not a thing in my social bubble, but they are pretty much a homogeneous group of well-off middle class families, so getting into a professional career was assumed as the default for each of us.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      Never. But I am extremely independent and always wanted to do my own thing, sometimes against the wishes of my parents. But I came from a white upper middle class family and had a bit of room to fail, while my immigrant husband with blue collar parents felt a bit more of a need to make them proud (but not past his 20s).

    • Amy

      It’s a very strange thing to mention in a job interview, especially since it doesn’t seem to have been connected to some broader narrative about the candidate overcoming adversity. For me personally, it played no role. If anything, my parents discouraged me from my current path.

    • Anony

      I recently got a very large promotion and raise; my first thought was “My parents will be so proud!!” and I’m 39. They invested a lot into raising me, helping me succeed in school, supporting me through my 20s of being poor, working crappy jobs, letting me move back in a few times so me succeeding feels like I finally ‘paid’ them back for all their help over the years.

      • Anon

        I feel the same. I’m surprised by some of the responses here. I’m an adult who isn’t accountable to my parents, and I certainly don’t base every career decision on what my parents would think, but I want them to be proud of me.

    • Anon

      First generation to graduate college.

      I chose the major I did to make dad proud. (Math)

      It turned out to be an excellent fit for me, but it could have gone either way!!

    • Scotty

      I have thought it often and I’m 50, although I would not say it in a job interview.

      My mom grew up in a trailer park, got pregnant at 16, was forced to drop out of high school, married my father (who was al of 17) because that was what teens in her small southern town did when they got pregnant. That marriage lasted 2 years. She clawed and scraped and sacrificed to give me a better life than she had (getting her own college degree along the way). I admire her more than any other person on the planet. She will always love me no matter what. Her love is not conditional on my actions. But yes – I also want her to be proud of me, to feel that everything she gave up to give me the upbringing I had was worth it, and that I can and am providing my own children with the same advantages she fought to give me (even if it is much easier for me than it was for her).

      I suspect this is very culturally and background dependent.

      • Doc

        I love this. I am so so proud of your Mom.

        Hope you can share your admiration with your Mon often. Mine died young and how I wish I had shared with her how much I admire her for her strength and sacrifices..

        I am a doctor and it is very common for my peers to seek the admiration of their parents.

      • Anon

        +1. I’m in my 40s and wouldn’t say it in an interview, but often I do think about how my broader family is proud of me and what I’ve accomplished.

        I grew up in a small rural forgotten town, born to teenagers who were twice divorced by the time I was 10 and who were themselves born to teenagers, and was the first to even dream of college let alone get accepted. I also did all the legwork to get my younger brother into college and supported him through it. We’re both now happily married with well-adjusted kids, in well-paying jobs, own our own homes, and live in the suburbs of a major city. We don’t have to worry about bills, we can take our kids to the dentist twice a year, we can afford gas and car maintenance exactly when we need it, we can eat restaurant meals more than once a year and even pay a delivery driver to bring them to us.

        My parents and grandparents love me the best way they know how, even if they don’t understand what I do or the choices I make, so it’s not really about their sacrifices to get me here. It’s more about expanding the world of possibilities for my cousins and their kids, about helping my parents with rent or groceries even though they’d never ask, about giving my kids the chances I didn’t have.

    • anon

      It did matter to me. Not because my parents were putting pressure on me, but because I grew up in a blue-collar town and because my mom didn’t have a degree. (I’m the first woman in my family to graduate from college.) FWIW, I don’t necessarily feel this way in middle age, but it definitely drove me well into my 20s. This is highly dependent on culture, IMO.

    • Ribena

      Oh this is huge for me. Maybe even more that I wish my grandmothers (ie the mothers of both my parents) could see me and I hope they would be proud of me. They were both educators – one had to drop out of college because she got knocked up and the other became a headteacher and a local councillor despite being widowed really young with four kids. They had both passed away by the time I reached my teens but I have my favourite photo of the two of them together in my bedroom.
      My dad’s family especially were very socially upwardly mobile in the 20th century – I’m the first woman on either side of the family to have a corporate finance type job (the generation above me is mostly creative/ educator/ academia type of middle class) and I think I was the first to own a home by myself too.
      So it’s not making my parents proud and buying a house for them like Emmett sings about in the musical of Legally Blonde… it’s more showing them that I’ve lived up to the potential and all the opportunities they worked to create for me.
      (Can you tell I’m the oldest sibling? Haha)

    • Anon

      I have a friend who is president of a huge, huge corporation, worked her way up through the ranks. She told me her first thought when she learned she had the position is that her (deceased) mother would have been so proud. This is not an immigrant family, but definitely this was a huge accomplishment in terms of upward mobility.

    • Nope

      Never. I’m 35 and from a non-immigrant middle class background. I have a good relationship with my parents and don’t remember ever thinking about if they would be proud of me or not as an adult.

  5. Anon

    Echoing – 10 days quarantine or until negative PCR test is really the responsible thing to do. I’d wear an N95 while around others until you get a negative PCR even after the 10 days.

  6. Anon

    NYC people: I’m coming up next week (after the long weekend). What are people doing re transit: masks on subways? Avoiding subways b/c of COVID and general craziness and taking cabs / walking? Masking in museums? Masking in restaurants while not eating? I know my work’s rules in the NYC office, but just trying to pack / plan for the rest of it (locally, we have not had masks required for months, but health care offices request you wear one or have a virtual appointment and I am seeing people wearing them again (including outside, which I do not understand except that it can be easier to keep on if between buildings but I’ve seen in on trail hikers). My understanding is that local NYC rates keep ticking up (but at least outside dining is getting more tolerable by the week).

    • Anonymous

      1- masks are still required on subways so I just wear them
      2-masks in many museums are required and if not required common
      3- no masking in restaurants

      • NYCer

        I only wear a mask indoors if it is required, which at this point is pretty uncommon. I feel like that is the general approach of most everyone I know in NYC.

        Masks are still required on subways, but compliance has gone way down in my experience. Some/many museums still require masks, and compliance there is better. Definitely no masks in restaurants.

    • Anon

      Masking everywhere indoors including subways, indoor until the food arrives then as soon as I’m done eating, inside all museums and workplaces. I see absolutely no problem with masking and there are no risks to masking when possibly unnecessary, but there are tons of problems and risks for not masking so I see no reason to take the risk, not only for getting covid but getting long covid and spreading covid.

    • Anon

      Related: what are we currently seeing with masking on planes? When I flew last, it was maybe 10% in masks, 90% not in masks. Still the case? [Like I could wear a mask on a plane, but if it’s just me, it feels pretty pointless; lots of masking feels like it would actually be preventative.]

      • Anon

        I just flew internationally last week and saw ~20% masking on the way out, ~10% masking on the way back.

      • Anon

        I’m in the Chicago area and my last few flights out of O’Hare (all on United) have probably been 50% masked at least. It does seem to be lower in other parts of the country, but still a lot more than 10%, maybe 20-30%?

        Even if you’re the only one masked, I don’t think it’s at all pointless if you’re in a KN95 or N95. A good mask will protect you even if others aren’t masked.

        • Anon

          I felt a lot better re masks when 90% of the people wore them. Now . . . not so much.

          • Anon

            Yeah for sure, everyone masking is safer but it’s not at all worthless to wear a KN95 even with everyone else unmasked.

      • Cat

        Philly – maybe about 20% max masked. Tbh i might mask in airports forever. It’s been glorious traveling without coming home with a seatmate’s cold.

    • Anom

      I live on UWS. People here are mostly masked if they are in stores. If you go to tourist areas, mostly unmasked. Indoor restaurants, then unmasked of course. But there are tons of options for outdoor seating. Rates are high so act according to your risk tolerance.

    • Anon

      I was in NYC a few weeks ago. Subway was ~80% masked (it was required at the time, not sure about now), theater nearly 100% masked (it was required), museums over 50% masked even when not required, grocery store (we went to a Whole Foods in midtown) and toy store (FAO Schwarz) maybe 30% masked if that. One thing that’s different about NYC vs my Midwest town is that it seems like most restaurant waitstaff and store employees are masked even when many/most customers are not. We didn’t do indoor dining because outdoor dining is so plentiful.

  7. Anonymous

    What’s a small fee or service that you now enjoy that needed reframing?

    Mine: I don’t need Audible because I can get audio books out of the library for free. Reframed: I will exercise more if I can listen to books I’m currently reading so the Audible fee is like a gym membership fee.

    • Anonymous

      Me: grocery delivery is excessive
      Me: grocery delivery is a cheap way to eat healthy

      • pugsnbourbon

        Oh god yes to grocery delivery. It keeps getting pricier but I hate grocery shopping so much.

        • anonymous

          I actually don’t mind the shopping part in the store, but I hate having to put away everything at home. I would pay someone to put away the groceries and wash/cut up my fruits and veggies.

      • Anon online grocery shopper

        Related…
        Me: grocery shopping online is expensive.
        Me: grocery shopping online means I stick to my list (and don’t buy as much chocolate) so is healthier and less wasteful.
        Also me: my hourly rate is many times the potential additional cost of shopping online.

    • Anonymous

      Not that small, but:
      – cleaning service. I’m buying back my free time and freeing myself from guilt. They also do a much better job than I would.
      – lawn service. Same thing, I’m buying free time and lack of guilt over not doing the thing.
      – personal training. I will actually go to the gym if I know a person had to get childcare and get up early to meet me at the gym, and their effort would’ve been wasted if I no showed (not to mention I’d have to pay for the session anyway).

      • Anon

        Cleaning service also does not get distracted with memories or “why do I have so many black dresses.” They do in 4 people-hours what I would do in 8-12 (or not actually finish, but get a start and then generate a filing pile and then start filing things or not and need a snack and the dog needs to go out . . .).

    • Vicky Austin

      Not a fee exactly, but mine: “I don’t need a Roomba because I can sweep for free.” Reframed: “Time is not free, and our dog sheds so much, so I will pay for the Roomba and enjoy blessedly clean floors more often without spending a whole weekend morning on it.”

    • Anonymous

      Dry cleaning and laundry service that delivers. I don’t need to ruin my nails ironing just to prove I am a woman.

      • Anon

        I find ironing strangely soothing. But no more than every other week. I get a drink and some true crime or podcast and it’s just feeling like I am getting things right with the world.

        • Seafinch

          Ironing is like therapy for me, too. When I need a tangible productivity victory, I head for the laundry room and do a bunch of napkins.

    • Amy

      Kindle Books are insanely expensive and a waste of money because I can get books for free from the library —> I so rarely find an author or series I like to read, it’s well worth paying $5.99 to prevent myself from spending that 2-3 hours scrolling social media.

      Spending $100+ on a pair of cute shoes is ridiculous —-> You have no problem spending $100+ on a single dinner out, so eat at home once instead and “spend” that money on shoes that you’ll likely have for several years.

    • Anon

      $1500 is too much for a mattress

      Reframe: you spend 1/3 of your life in bed. Get the good mattress.

    • Anon 2.0

      Buying better ingredients, especially organic and/or local meat

      Old me…. way too much $$
      Me me… If you will spend $25 for fast food for two people, why not for a nice cut of meat

      (And, fwiw, I make like 1/10000 of what most on here make LOL

  8. Anon

    We just hired an agency to provide caregivers to sit with my 98-year-old grandmother 24/7. I’m visiting from out of town, and today’s caregiver has been very, very quietly talking on her phone through an earpiece since I arrived 2 hours ago. Something about this annoys the snot out of me. Grandma’s asleep in her recliner at the moment, it’s not like the lady is ignoring her, but at the same time, I’d like her to be sitting near my grandmother, not across the room on her phone. And when Grandma asks for something, the lady gets up and is attentive. Is her talking on the phone any worse than if she were reading a book or just looking at her phone? I’m trying to decide if I’m being unreasonable.

    • Allie

      OMG – it’s a terrible low paid job. She’s by your account giving good care. Shower her with gratitude and move on.

      • Monday

        Yeah, these are awful jobs. If someone is willing to do this work to a quality standard, they should get a lot of leeway on things that don’t affect their actual performance.

        I just read the book Forced To Care and recommend it. It sounds like the home care industry relies on people who have few other options for employment. Not surprisingly, the pay and conditions suck, and there’s a lot of turnover.

    • Anon

      I think quietly talking on the phone across the room is respectful and a reasonable way to pass the time. I don’t think it’s worse (since she’s being quiet and considerate) than reading a book or looking at her phone. Under the circumstances I might find a lot of things annoying or anxiety inducing (Candy Crush would probably bother me more if I’m honest). But the fact that she’s attentive to requests and considerate is really good I think.

      • Anon

        Right? It’s like what do I care what the babysitters do when my kids are asleep? If they are attentive when awake, that is what I pay them for (and to be present / call 911 if needed).

    • Anon

      This would also annoy me to no end, but finding good homecare workers is incredibly difficult these days (at least in my area), so if the lady is good otherwise–attentive, not constantly calling out, nice to your grandmother– I would probably grin and bear it.

      • Anonymous

        So she should just what–watch someone else sleep and do nothing else? If she’s attentive when the grandmother is awake and it’s not bothering the grandmother (because she’s asleep), then what exactly is the problem? It’s annoying to no end because soft noise could bother the awake relative…or????

    • Lots to Learn

      I don’t have personal experience with this, but it seems to me that this caregiver is doing what she is being hired to do. Certainly while your grandmother is asleep, I’d say it’s perfectly fine for her to talk quietly on her phone. While your grandmother is awake, maybe not, especially if it might bother her. But to me, there’s a difference between a companion and a caregiver. If I were your grandmother, I’d actually be annoyed if someone was always sitting right next to me – I’d want a little bit of space. As long as the caregiver is attentive to your grandmother’s needs and not disturbing her, I think she’s doing her job.

    • Anon

      This would annoy me, if for no other reason than it’s incredibly annoying to listen to one half of a phone conversation. I also think that it makes it harder for grandma to get what she needs, since asking feels like an interruption in a way it wouldn’t if the caregiver was texting or reading. But if it doesn’t bother grandma and the caregiver is otherwise doing a good job, I’m not sure it’s worth complaining about.

    • Anonymous

      Based on what you’ve described, a bit unreasonable. If she was doing it while your GM was awake, or was not listening for her, I would feel differently. If she was loud enough to bother your GM or your visit, I would also feel differently.

    • anonshmanon

      I would also consider your grandma’s wishes, if she can articulate them. Personally, I think I would find it quite invasive to have a caregiver not just around 24/7 (to help as needed) but also with his or her attention trained on me the whole time. At least give me the illusion of privacy if I want to scratch my butt or something.

    • Anon

      What would you find an appropriate alternative? Staring at the wall? Talking to YOU? My grandmother had a caregiver who would sit at the table with us while we visited with my grandmother, like we were all just there to visit with each other. It annoyed me to no end. I would much rather she have busied herself elsewhere, used that time to tidy up (which was part of her job) or talked to someone else in the next room.

    • Anon

      Take a moment, thank your lucky stars for an attentive, competent caregiver, and go on about your business.

    • Nesprin

      You’re being unreasonable. Good home health aides are worth their weight in gold and get paid … pyrite.
      If she can talk quietly on her phone when she’s not needed, let her.

      Bad health aids: don’t help with toileting/repositioning etc, wander off, etc.

      • Anon

        Cannot stress this enough. She’s attentive when your grandma is up. What do you expect her to do, sit and stare at your grandma the entire time whether or not she’s asleep or awake? So long as she is attentive to her needs, aware of safety risks (i.e., if your grandma is a fall risk, she’s close enough that she can see if she is getting up and go make sure that she isn’t at risk of falling, or if your grandma is at risk of choking, make sure she is there to watch her eat), and being respectful, chill out. Sure, it can be annoying to hear someone else talk on the phone but it sounds like you found an excellent home health aide and that’s what matters. And would your grandma really want this person paying 100% attention to her at all times? Do you want to wake up to someone staring at you?

    • Anon

      What do you expect her to be doing while Grandma is asleep? Be honest? Cleaning. Sitting there just staring at Grandma? It seems like a pretty innocuous thing to be speaking quietly on the phone as long as it’s not bothering Grandma.

      I think you’re being too uptight and judgmental.

    • Anon

      Girl, it could seriously be so much worse. The caregiver is attentive. She’s responsive. She’s keeping an eye on your grandma. If this is your first experience with having a caregiver care for a relative, I’ll forgive your unreasonableness but just know – the caregiver could be ignoring your grandmother to rifle through her belongings or medicine cabinet. That actually happened to us, with one of my grandma’s caregivers. Count your blessings.

    • Anon 2.0

      You are being unreasonable. Good caregivers are more rare than a needle in a haystack. As long as she is being attentive when she needs something, zip your lips. My mother recently tried hiring caregivers for my grandfather and frankly, was unreasonable in her expectations. I am 1200 miles away not really able to intervene but lets just say, she is now doing the caregiving. Focus on issues that truly matter should they arise – neglect, dangerous situations, etc. Let all the rest of it slide. All of it.

    • Coach Laura

      I have a different take on this. My FIL had 24/7 care and the women (sisters and cousins to each other) were very attentive. But when family members were there, they would go in another room and talk on the phone or go out on the patio. They were giving us a chance to be a family without outsiders listening in. What annoyed me more was when the previous caregivers would insert themselves into the conversation – this is the main reason we switched to having a smaller agency.

      We also would ask caregivers if they wanted to eat with us at the table (because it felt like we were poor hosts if we didn’t) but they almost never did. We also came over on Sunday morning so the caregiver could go to Mass, which she otherwise would have missed on her 24 hour shift.

      One good memory we have is that my FIL loved opera and had season tickets. He got so he wouldn’t want to go, but he received free dress rehearsal tickets each year for the Seattle Opera. My husband and I went to an afternoon rehearsal and took FIL and the caregiver, who had never been to an opera ever. She loved it and talked about it for days. The second rehearsal, we took her cousin, and she was entranced. I think it was a highlight and since they both had only been in the US for 2-3 years, it was a good thing to share.

      • Anon

        HHA get paid at least 28$/ hour, cash! here and the expectation is that they do light cleaning or cooking/ make food if the person they care for doesn’t need them.

        it’s not like they are making retail wages.

        check your understanding of what they should be doing to your contact or agency.

        • Anon

          I’m not familiar with that at all! Around here the actual workers make minimum wage (whatever the agency may be making). They’re in such short supply that even if they do get into the meds, go shopping with the patient’s credit card, run errands, or invite friends over, reporting them to the agency carries the risk of being left without care since there isn’t necessarily an alternate available. There are wonderful people who do good work too, but I can’t even imagine making a fuss over personal phone calls while the patient is sleeping when actual abuse is so common.

          • Anon

            I’m the commenter who mentioned the 28/ hr cash min above.

            interesting comment, as it sounds like you’ve had a very different experience and I’m sure there’s a big range of pay and experience. we’re in the East coast hcol area for reference.

            I think contracts and expectations vary widely. we’ve had people charge us 28 hr cash hr and they have slept through the overnight shift and others who cleaned her bathroom as per contact so various widely. the best is if you can find someone kind and loving regardless if they make her a sandwich or cook a supper.

          • Doc

            $28 directly to a caregiver? That is the highest rate I have heard in my life.
            Never seen this in my 30 years in health care in Boston, Chicago and San Francisco. The last one we hired .. The agency charged $26 per hour and the worker got less than half with no benefits, no health insurance, no vacation, terrible job security and no guarantee of hours. And if the home health worker worked for the State and took care of patients on Medicaid, the for paid less then $10 per hour.

            My relative is hiring a home health worker privately so all the money goes directly to the worker in Silicon Valley and they pay less than $28/hr.

            Your situation is not typical at all. I am regularly shocked, and disgusted, that high school kids in my town make $20 per hour babysitting, and home health workers make half that.

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  10. Anon

    Ugh. I read at lunch some articles with various accounts that the shooter was locked in a classroom with the children and teachers he killed for 30-60 minutes, that police needed to get a key to the room from someone at the school and that delayed engagement, parents wanted to storm the classroom b/c police weren’t doing it, etc., etc.

    The locked door is especially horrifying to me. I get that we put in a lot of safety measures re locking doors (including at my kids’ school). I guess no one thought of the bad guy being on the “safe” side of the door and law enforcement not able to get in and engage.

    • anon

      I can’t read any more about the circumstances surrounding this. Everything schools do, security-wise, is smoke and mirrors and isn’t going to stop someone determined to cause harm. Focus on gun reform, please, please, please, and less on the Monday-morning quarterbacking.

      • Anon

        Here, it looks like the guy may have gotten in via an unlocked back door and locked himself into a classroom. That + body armor means that what we have done is probably the last thing (that lock) that could have changed things here. I’m just sick. But so many knee-jerk responses previously did not prevent this and I’m sure there are back decisions yet to be made. People rush to look like they are responding. But IDK that that will do anything.

      • Anon

        I think you 100% need a serious view of that kid’s whole life and also what was at the school. We don’t need to make more bad decisions and I have a feeling that in the US, guns are not going anywhere, so we need to figure out what else there is to do.

      • Anon

        Gun reform, yes. But I’m happy to reassess what exactly we’re throwing so much money at police for too.

        • Anon

          Our school officers do a lot of social work and de-escalation. We also have a lot of “behavior management technicials” who are basically very strong men (and this is for a K-5 school, but some kids there are larger than their teachers and can get very violent at times). This is in a public schools. There is a reason that so many parents / grandparents in my city pay 25K-30K/year for private schools, which screen out a lot of kids with any sort of behavior problems or mental health needs.

        • Anon

          Sadly, in our city, a lot of schools are in not-great areas where they often do preventative lockdowns for criminal activity nearby. And we’ve had something like 20+ guns at schools this year, including an elementary school, but often middle schools. Kids feuding lead to drive-bys and shooting up houses at night. And then those kids and that stuff comes to school the next day. I life in a city that is not Chicago. Our criminal elements are working hard at their craft, so for the teachers to teach and the learners to learn, they feel better with someone on site and IMO are better off for it being known that there is a person in the building keeping an ear to the ground.

      • Anne-on

        100% this. I’ve donated to Everytown, called/emailed about the NRA conference, and called Schumer’s office as the Senate majority leader. My blue state reps are already vocally for gun reform so preaching to the choir there. I can’t/won’t read any more about it, at some point it becomes torture porn.

    • Anonymous

      It is impossible to predict and train for every scenario. The problem is not door locks, it is AR 15s.

      There is literally nowhere else in the world where school shootings are a problem like this. Like not just ‘nowhere else in Europe’, like literally no other country has this problem on remotely the same scale. Like 2 instances in a year, not 288.

      Normal countries don’t have police officers at schools and active shooter trainings for elementary children. It’s like the US does not realize we are the only place that this happens. So embarrassing.

      • Anon

        I’d say it’s not the AR 15s but that a “normal” boy was able to shoot young children, many of them to death and about as many seriously injured, and then two adults, in rapid succession. He shot his grandmother in the face right before that over a cell phone bill. How is a person able to become like that? Seriously.

        Guns are very common. That behavior is not. Are online first-person shooter games done by young people with forming brains how you become like that? It’s not girls doing this.

        • Anon

          I know you’re a troll but come on. Violent video games exist in all countries, school shootings do not.

          • Anon

            Mass school shootings didn’t happen until . . . the University of Texas bell tower shooting? Much more recently than guns have been on the scene.

        • Anonymous

          It’s almost like you don’t think people exist in other counties. It’s not a people problem, it’s a gun problem.

          Every country has people. ONLY the US has this problem. Other places care more about their kids than their guns.

          • Anon

            The US is never going to be New Zealand though. And in light of that, where are we really to go next re policy? Raise the long gun and handgun age to 21? 25? The Newtown shooter stole his gun from his parents. I can think of a million laws that would be wide of the mark. Short of confiscation of all firearms, IDK what the option is. And most recent shooters would have passed and did pass background checks. What would actually have worked here?

          • Anon

            C’mon, the “US is never going to be New Zealand” argument is disingenuous. This isn’t about special unicorn New Zealand. It’s literally every country on earth besides us that has fixed this problem. The US is the only country with daily mass shootings like this.

          • Anonymous

            FFS 4:07, this wasn’t a long gun. He wasn’t pouring black gun powder and tamping in a bullet or whatever it is that they describe on the prairie. It was an assault rifle which has ZERO place in the hands of any private citizen. Period.

          • Anon

            You are thinking of a black powder gun. Usually in modern times guns are divided into long guns (rifles and the like that aren’t readily concealed) and handguns (which are what regulated a bit differently at times, concealed carry, etc.). There are other ways of categorizing firearms but those are the main ones.

          • Anon

            Help me here: what is an assault rifle or whatever this was? Is it just a magazine vs something like a shotgun?

          • Anonymous

            Yes – NZ is clearly the only other country that regulates guns. *eyeroll*

            You don’t like NZ laws then look at the laws of any of the other 190+ Countries that do this better than we do.

          • Seventh Sister

            Culturally, we’re probably closer to Australia, and they solved this problem after the Port Arthur massacre, which they correctly call a massacre, the term “shooting” to me anyway implies quail hunting and/or making a movie.

        • Anon

          “Guns are very common.” Yes, that is the problem – that they are so common with almost no regulation is a serious public health crisis. Deaths via automobile also used to be exceedingly high…so they invented seatbelts and airbags, added speed limits, passed and enforced laws against drunk driving. Do people still die from car accidents? Yes. It will never be zero as much as we want it to be. But the sheer volume of deaths by car is significantly lower than it was before all of those safety measures were put in place. We need to do the same for guns (which btw is why this doesn’t happen in other countries – they have already passed these common sense safety measures). Why the f should you be able to purchase a gun (literally invented to cause harm) without a license and annual registration when that is required to drive a car???

        • Aunt Jamesina

          This behavior isn’t normal, but if he didn’t have access to guns we’d be looking at an entirely different scenario. Deranged, vengeful people exist in every country. Gun violence like this does not.

    • Anon

      Every new detail coming out is absolutely sickening. I don’t have words strong enough to describe how I feel about those cops and how the entire situation was handled.

      • Anon

        It seems like once they had a key, 3 men went in and one was shot and the other had a shield and the other killed the gunman. Whey they had to wait for a key, IDK. Maybe that’s not all of the story. But I’m guessing you can’t shoot your way into a classroom by design, so maybe there is no better option? IDK. I wish I did. Plus the guy was in body armor, so I’m amazed that they were able to kill him at all.

      • Anon

        Right? For all the conservatives who think there should be armed police at schools to stop school shootings: well, this one did. And it didn’t work. Still think guns aren’t the problem?

      • Anon

        The latest detail that the gunman was shooting outside the school for 12 minutes is just unbelievable and so sad.

        • Anon

          I heard on NPR that he fired shots outside of the school and the. Went in through an unlocked back door. There wasn’t anyone there who could have stopped him. It’s not like he was waived in or people just stood by (unless stunned in horror).

          • Anonymous

            Stunned by horror is a real problem in these situations. That’s why the answer is not teachers with guns.

    • Anon

      As the news updates this horrific situation becomes worse and worse. School security for an active shooter situation shown to be a complete joke. The governor campaigning to find raise in wake of the tragedy.
      Stop voting for politicians at all levels that take money from the NRA. Stop voting for incumbents or new comers that are in love with talking about family values and prayers but only offer flaccid thoughts instead of enacting popular gun control policy when children are slaughtered. implementing policy/ do the job of introducing legislation the majority of their constituency wants is their job. Instead they tweet or make grand speeches in front of cameras. Stop voting for them.

      • Anon

        I think you’d have to repeal the second amendment. Based on getting the equal rights amendment ratified, I’m not optimistic. That is the difference between the US and anywhere else.

        • Anon

          Maybe but also maybe voting for sensible politicians eventually ends up with sensible SCOTUS judges who will interpret the second amendment in a sensible way.

        • Anon

          I encourage you to read about the NRA’s history funding legal scholars to evaluate the 2nd A and also funding GOP candidates running on pro-gun platforms. Before the 70s gun control was more the norm.

          Also I don’t even understand these arguments. The 2nd A says ‘the right to bear arms’. You can’t roll up to Target and get a howitzer, you can’t order anti-aircraft missiles with no waiting period, you can’t legally cultivate homemade bioweapons. So if we don’t allow all ‘arms’ why are we allowing AR-15s. The founding fathers had MUSKETS. I don’t think they were envisioning teens outfitted like special operations.

    • Anon 2.0

      I am very confused by the lock and key situation. Was there not a master key? Lock box full of spare keys? No one in law enforcement with the tools/skills to pick a lock? Obviously, the issue here as a whole is far, far bigger than a lock. But I am confused by the locked door situation.

      • Aunt Jamesina

        I mean, why couldn’t they bust the door down? Aren’t SWAT teams trained in that? Sure seems to work for no knock warrants…

        • Anon

          I was about to say! There are plenty of ways a SWAT team can get in without a key. They use battering rams on private homes, so….???

          • Anon

            Maybe school doors are more reinforced? My house wouldn’t take much to break into it break down the door but our school classrooms have heavy metal doors that may be designed to resist common means to break IN. That only works when the bad guy is outside of the classroom.

    • Seventh Sister

      My kids’ schools have a lot of door-locking, more than I remember as a student and it seems to help (mostly) with stuff not being stolen. Possibly it helps with safety, but I think most of these measures are security theater that would be unnecessary if it we did the one darn thing other countries do – have gun control.

  11. AnonAnon

    So I have an odd question for you. How do you communicate regularly with your SO or even a close friend. Text? FB messenger? Insta DM? For some reason my H randomly decides to communicate important scheduling info via FB messenger or something like that when he clearly has by number to text or call to let me know. Is this odd? Or do others do that as well? It just feels strange when I don’t get notifications regularly from those other apps, but with text I get it right away as it even shows up on my watch. Just curious what others do. Thanks!

    • anon

      Text is the default. FB Messenger tends to be for things that aren’t time sensitive or involves groups of people.

    • Anon

      DH and I put calendar notifcations on each other’s calendars. Or text (for DH and close friends/relatives).

    • Anon

      Text. I don’t know anyone who used FB messenger unless I’m selling something on Marketplace.

      • anon

        +1. FB Messenger is only for Marketplace and elderly relatives checking on me after a natural disaster.

    • Anonymous

      Depends on your settings – you can change your settings to get FB messengers notices like texts. I use text with DH because he doesn’t have messenger. but I use FB messenger for my girl group chat. I like FB messenger because you can see who has seen the message regardless of if they have a. iPhone or not. We use signal with BIL who is paranoid about privacy and that’s mostly for sharing kid pics with BIL/MIL.

    • Vicky Austin

      DH and I do all our important communication by text or call. He hasn’t had FB in years and Insta is for sending each other memes and cute dog reels.

      But in your case, I’d just be like, hey, if it’s about something important, please send me an actual text, not on Facebook.

    • Cb

      WhatsApp for everything. I don’t even have the phone or text messaging app on my Home Screen. But we use a lot of calendar invites.

    • NYCer

      Text or call.

      We will occasionally send each other random things on Instagram, but those are one off things we find funny, etc.

    • Anon

      I’m a dinosaur I guess, but I primarily communicate with my husband and long distance close friends via email (husband and I send short emails on a daily basis, friends and I send longer emails every week or two).

    • Anon

      Text is for anything that needs my attention now.

      Email is for anything less immediately important but having to do with household stuff like insurance.

      Other notifications (Instagram, tik tok, etc) may or may not be read so everyone knows you’re at your own risk there.

    • Ribena

      I use WhatsApp for most things (or Signal for the friends who moved over to Signal) BUT if I see something a friend will like on Insta I will send it to them directly through Insta. My work best mate and I often have parallel conversations on Insta, Teams, and WhatsApp…
      Messenger for people whose phone numbers I don’t have. BUT one of my best friends uses Messenger as her main platform to communicate with her SO of 5 years who she lives with. So it varies by person

    • Cat

      Text or call if time-sensitive or casual, or email if it’s stuff that requires more background etc.

      I don’t know anyone who uses fb messenger to communicate with real friends. I basically only use it to make restaurant reservations at places that only have a fb page!

    • Seafinch

      WhatsApp with my husband, one brother and one friend who isn’t on social media.
      Facebook Messenger for the vast majority of my friends, two sisters, one brother, mother.
      Texts with a few parents of kids’s friends and other friends, and my Dad.

  12. anon

    Text or call. Neither of us have FB and I am the only one with social media at all (IG). Have you asked him why he does this? That matters more than what we do.

    • Anonymous

      OP here. Yes, I will ask him why now that it has become a more regular thing. He has a history of weird things related to social media and my usage of them, so it feels a bit off to me. My guess is he is trying to see how much I am using FB, which is not much at all, but he seems to think it is more. He has a history of checking up on me, which is why I asked in general what others do. The only other people who have messengered me are long lost relatives and friends I haven’t seen in over 20 years.

      • Anon

        He checks up on you to see how much you’re using FB and other social media? Did you tell him to go f himself into next week? This is is the problem, not what you described in your original post. Good lord, wake up, woman.

        • anon

          +1. It’s also a weird way to check up on someone. Messenger and FB are 2 different, but linked, apps. I have my settings so that I get Messenger notifications on my phone, but not FB notifications, so reading or answering a message has no relation to whether I’ve been scrolling FB. I have an unread FB message from March but have been on FB dozens of times since then.

      • Anon

        This doesn’t even make any sense. I barely use Facebook, but I still have it on my phone and it will pop up a notification if someone contacts me there, so seeing the message doesn’t mean I’m otherwise using it. I only use fb to get in touch with old friends I don’t have current contact info for, otherwise it’s text or email, depending on whether it’s something urgent or not (like someone else said, lots of household stuff with husband goes through email because it involves documentation and other things we want to easily reference later). If you really think he’s checking up on you, that’s a really bad sign.

      • Anon

        If he’s checking on your social media usage, you may be in a controlling relationship. This is serious and not normal.

      • Anonymous

        This is a red flag. A history of checking up, aka being controlling, is a red flag that can point to a future of abuse. Are there already other things that feel off to you?

      • Anon

        I’m sure you already know this, but that kind of behavior is definitely not cool!

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