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Anon
How do I thank contacts of contacts at governmental agencies who did me a favor despite not knowing me? I’m planning to send them short e-mails and hand written thank you notes individually. I was also thinking about sending a box of chocolate or cupcakes but I’m not sure how appropriate this is. The alternative is to wait until Christmas and then send them the chocolate or cupcakes? Any other ideas?
Velma
Just email–immediate, graceful thanks to show your appreciation and recognition that they went beyond the usual. Food gifts or even handwritten notes sound a bit excessive, possibly to the point of making people uncomfortable.
Clementine
Yep. Also, as a government employee, I can’t accept anything with any monetary value. Like, I literally can’t let my contractor buy me a cup of coffee without reimbursement if they’re swinging by a coffee shop.
A polite email and also a new connection are good. Be willing to take their calls in the future.
Anon
Yup. Can’t even carpool with NGO partners, lest the gas savings be a bribe!
Biggestballsintheroom
+ 1 Don’t send them anything with any monetary value.
anon
Yeah, please don’t send gifts, even just chocolates.
Anon
Most public servants aren’t supposed to accept gifts, just FYI.
Anonymous
An e-mail thank you and that’s it. This is all very over the top.
Anon
+1
Anon
While it is over the top, I think it’s okay to be over the top with gratitude once in awhile. The world needs more of that.
Anonymous
Not when I comes in the context of accidentally giving bribes to government officials.
Anonymous
+1 This isn’t sending your realtor a fruit basket because you think she/he did a great job.
LaurenB
I think normal, everyday people would not think that sending a box of chocolates **(after something has already been completed** would be considered a “bribe to a government official.” Bribe usually means – to get someone to do something, not to thank them for having done it. Let’s not assume that the unique norms of government are universally known.
Anonymous
We aren’t assuming they’re known! We are telling her what they are and getting asinine “thankfulness is a blessing and delight” responses.
Anon
There’s nothing wrong with being over the top about this! Imagine living in a world where you think you have to restrain yourself from thanking people. How sad that is. Except as others have pointed out, they probably have restrictions on accepting physical gifts.
Anonymous
A hand written thank you note.
Nesprin
An email expressing how they helped you and the consequence and cc their manager.
Anon
This reminds me, I have a similar email thank you to write. I’m also going to copy the person’s supervisor, but I have the ability to find that info (we’re in very different departments of the same state government).
Anon
Sending an email is enough. Sending baked goods to strangers is weird.
Anon
What is the appropriate thing to say when a boss congratulates me in front of the whole firm on a case well done? It caught me by surprise, and people seemed to expect me to say something, so I just mumbled something short about thanking the partner and the staff members who worked on the case, and shut up. Maybe it’s because I was raised to be humble, and women generally are, but I have an extra hard time responding to praise, especially public praise. My default seems to be to thank everyone who worked on the matter, even though some of them were really not very helpful.
Anonymous
Thanks, it was (a hard fought victory, a tough deal, some brief summary) and it was great to get such a good result for client. X, Y, and Z provided invaluable support.
anon
Thank you, that is great to hear!
Thank you, I appreciate that!
Accepting praise takes practice, but thanking the rest of the team is also a good move!
Anonymous
It sounds like you handled it fine, though I would encourage you to be more assertive, less mumbly, about your thanks. That’s all anyone wants to hear (even from white men) – thank you, I appreciate it, it was a team effort and I appreciate everyone’s hard work on it, blah blah blah.
Anon
I always say that I enjoyed working on a challenging case and was pleased to get a good resolution for the client. Then I give some credit to the people who worked with me. I have no hesitation about accepting well-earned praise. Congratulations on your excellent work and the recognition you received!
Pure Imagination
“Thanks so much! This was a great/fun/exciting case to work on and I’m really pleased with the result.”
Save the team-member thanking for later – that’s done well via email so it can be saved and remembered for reviews if needed.
Anonymous
Hard disagree on this. True leaders acknowledge the team in the moment. That’s male or female good practice. And it will serve you much better when you need to work with the same team (and just as important, others who have observed how you treat your team) going forward. Shining a light on others doesn’t make you glow less. Thank them both ways.
ELS
Agree. Acknowledge the team in real time, and then follow up with an email. Leaders acknowledge the good work of people who help them succeed.
Pure Imagination
Trust me, I totally agree that it’s great to acknowledge the team (I’ve made a point of emailing my team members’ supervisors regularly to offer praise on routine matters), but doing it in the moment takes finesse so it’s not just the woman refusing to take credit for her own success. I’ve seen it done badly (“oh it wasn’t me, it was all thanks to Tom here!”) and that was all I was really suggesting to avoid.
Anonymous
The way to do it is “Thank you. I’m so proud of the team.”
Anonymous
Not acknowledging a team publicly, in the moment, by name, will breed resentment. I once got a very disfavorable decision for a client reversed on appeal, based on a brief I wrote by myself based on arguments I conceived of, when the partner and another associate could not think of a way to save the case. When the emails of congratulations circulated all the way to the Biglaw managing partner, the partner made a reference to the “team” (which consisted of her and me and no one else) and BCC’d me. B-C-C’d me. After that, I made sure every associate in the office knew that the partner was unsupportive and looking out for only herself.
Anon
Anyone else receive offers for paid phone consultation for certain technologies and buying trends? I get these every week from research firms working on behalf of hedge funds and investment firms. I have declined, thinking they are seeking confidential information and as a FTE of a major tech firm I am likely prohibited from doing these. Any thoughts?
Anon
My consulting firm often does paid expert interviews that sound like what you’re describing. There’s a wide range of companies that do these kinds of interviews – some will be very professional and confidential, while others that we have trialed haven’t seemed to take participant confidentiality very seriously. The money can be really good (easily $500 an hour or a much higher rate, depending on your seniority and specialization).
Certainly lots of professionals participate in these – I doubt a lot of people talk about participating, but it seems reasonably common based on the companies and titles that I know we’ve spoken with. I personally would probably not participate in one – I think it’s too hard for participants to know how the information will be stored and used (often these calls are recorded, sometimes the transcripts are saved), and, as you mentioned, your company might prohibit it. I think these services are generally respectful if a participant says they can’t talk about something because it’s confidential. Usually they’ll screen you ahead of time to get a sense of whether you’ll be able/willing to answer the client’s questions.
I do think that registering with these services is a good option for anyone who is an independent consultant/SME. If you’re just sharing your perceptions of a market, the money is really good relative to the work/risk involved.
anon
OP here, this helps alot. I am a FTE of a very large global technology company. I am not an independent consultant. My concern is that this type of consulting is prohibited by my firm and I definitely don’t want to be recorded.
Anon
Sorry, just curious, what does FTE mean here? I only know the “full time equivalent” meaning.
Anonymous
full time employee?
Equity Analyst
There are usually pretty strict guidelines from the reputable firms about revealing inside information. Many investors are looking for industry comments from participants to better understand what is going on. However, if it makes you feel uncomfortable or these sorts of things are prohibited by your employment agreement, then obviously don’t do them.
I use them a lot in doing financial diligence on companies. E.g. How is your business responding to COVID? etc because I often glean new insights on certain aspects that I hadn’t considered. (Yes, I know sales are down, but are suppliers offering better payment terms, etc.).
Hope that helps!
Anonymous
If you mean from organizations like GLG, Guidepoint, Alphasights, etc. They are legitimate. Whether you choose/are allowed to participate is up to you but they are “expert networks” that generally consulting firms and firms working on behalf of investors use to get quick insight into markets.
anon
OP here….those are the ones. Thank you for advising they are legit.
Anonymous
They’re called focus groups, and while I’ve never heard of hedge funds doing them, a lot of consumer retail companies use them for internal research purposes. While the ones asking about specific business-related purposes are probably not considered good practice to participate in as an employee (obviously employer-generated Gallup polls excepted), the ones where they ask you about individual products that you personally purchase are likely fine.
Kids alone
My kids are going into middle school and b/c I work FT aren’t often alone — daycare, sitters, after school, full-day summer camps. I’d like to start helping them be more independent (leaving them home while I run to the store, go for a run, etc.). They have been home alone while I’m next door at a neighbor’s.
What I want is to help them understand: you don’t open the door when you are home alone (even if they are grownups that you know or that you know that I know; our friends will understand that you are following my rules and won’t be offended). Period. [And corollary: no secrets and if a grownup asks you to keep a secret; that is a deal killer and you must tell me at once.] And what do you do when you’ve made a mistake with the door-opening (if they don’t immediately leave, you leave and get to a safe place, call the police, call me, and WAIT). We can talk though this, but I know that their first impulse is to be trusting and not suspicious (what grownup ever needs a child’s help? and a real police or sheriff’s officer will understand a child wanting verify that).
We live in a dense city neighborhood of houses abutting an institutional area (hospitals, community college), so there is a lot of foot traffic (most is benign; there is a persistent element of usually just property crime but that often results in assaults if people put up resistance). Think of some parts of Bethesda/NW DC/NoVa. I don’t want to scare them, but just make them skeptics of people they may encounter. [I’m not worried about cooking fires or boys or drinking yet.]
Anon
Caveat this with I am not a parent but while I agree your kids should not answer the door, I think they should make it clear that someone is home. If people are thinking of robbing a place, they often knock first to see if it is occupied. They can accomplish this by turning up the TV or radio real loud, yelling something like “MOM, someone’s at the door!!!” That way it sounds like you are home and just not answering. If you have a ring doorbell you could even answer the person yourself by saying something like “I can’t get to the door right now, please just leave your pamphlet. Thanks.”
It’s funny, I have broken the rule before and been an adult asking a kid for help and I always felt terrible after when I realized the kid was scared and then I asked the kid if they could go get their parents for me. One time it was because I found a dog in my yard and I walked it around the neighborhood asking everyone if they knew where it lived. Another time I hit a cat that then ran into someone’s yard and I wanted to make sure it wasn’t hurt or needed a ride to the vet. I just asked some kids if they saw a cat run through their yard and if they knew where it was hiding.
If your kids are inside they won’t encounter that issue anyway!
Anonymous
That’s a good idea — like a barking dog, bluffing that a grownup inside may likely send people on their way (of course, we get aggressive knockers that would likely just start yelling at whomever they think is inside). When I was home on maternity leave, I had a sign taped to the mailbox saying “SLEEPING BABY — DO NOT KNOCK OR RING BELL” and I left it up for years b/c of the nonsense. MAYBE I should put up another sign. Our friends would get it (and might remember from last time).
Anonymous
Why can’t they open the door to an actual friend they know? Your rule makes no sense which is why you are worried about them following it. You know they won’t.
Anonymous
The problem is that they open the door first before determining who is knocking. I have come down the stairs many times in a robe on a Saturday morning to find the door wide open by my kid with a stranger at the door. And I just say “we are not interested” and shut the door.
Anonymous
Then your kids are not ready to be left alone.
anon
Because statistically most kidnappings and crimes against children are committed by people the child knows. Stranger Danger isn’t really a concern but stealthily creepy friend of moms is…
Anonymous
We have the same rule in our house with NO exceptions. I told them even if grandma is at the door they do not answer it. Because they are still young I don’t want them having to figure out who fits into some kind of exception. As they get older we will revisit.
Anon
I’m the poster below suggesting scripts. Here’s the solution: “If Sally is going to stop by, she will tell me first and I will tell you to let her in. She’s an adult and knows that this is the rule in our house.” It’s kind of weird to put it on your kids to be ‘gatekeeping’ the front door.
anon
+1
Anon
You need to have one emergency person allowed in case you are involved with an emergency and can’t get home. You can give them a code word to tell your kids so that they know this person is allowed.
ELS
This. I am the codeword friend for one of my friend’s kid. My stay at home mom neighbor was our codeword person as a kid.
Anon
You should give them scripts. Adult comes to the door asking for help. No need to obfuscate or explain about Mom being home or not home. “Mrs. Smith in the red house is usually home. She can help you.” “I can’t let you in, but I can call 911 for you.”
Vicky Austin
I like those – no disclosure but still helpful and polite.
pugsnbourbon
A specific script for an authority figure would be good to add as well. I was very much raised on “stranger danger” but totally would have opened the door for a cop/someone who claimed to be a cop. “I’m going to call 911 to confirm why you’ve been sent out here.” Like you said – a real cop will be cool with that.
You could print the scripts and hang them on or next to the door – that way your kid has a visible cue of what to do and say.
Anon
I love the idea of printing them out and hanging them next to the door.
Police: police should be in uniform, with a badge, with a real police car out front, and they will wait while you call the local station. “May I have your name, badge number, and why you are here? I’m going to call your local station to confirm.” Use the internet to find the number of the local station; do not call whatever number the police tells you is the number of the station. (Do not call 911; you’re usually supposed to call the non-emergency line.)
pugsnbourbon
Ah, good point about the police station number. I’d add that to the script.
Anonymous
A kid at home alone with an “officer” at the door would be an OK 911 call, even in my city. It is either a bad imposter or something tragic has happened to the parents. Maybe an officer looking for doorbell-camera footage (common on my street to ask). It is really quick to very that via their radios.
Anon
Or just add the local police station number to the printout of the scripts – because they would also need it if some weirdo is at the door. :)
Anon
I can’t imagine any real life human, let alone a child, saying those things as you’ve written. It sounds like a robot wrote that.
anon
Anon at 12:41, I mean this is what you should be doing as an adult, especially if you live alone. You can certainly tweak the script but this is something many police departments encourage people to do (similar to calling in to verify that the police car instructing you to pull over is actually a police car).
Anon
12:41, that is not something that a robot would say. (How rude.) It is what you are supposed to ask! If th police officer is real, it is much easier to ask the local station if Officer Chapman, badge 7335, is supposed to be at your house, than to make them figure out who is at your house. This is especially helpful if Officer Chapman is supposed to be next door and is accidentally at the wrong house.
Aaaaannd, if the “officer” is a scammer or criminal, the questions will likely result in him leaving. Criminals tend to not want any part of observant people. The police know that someone calling himself Officer Chapman is trying to break into people’s homes.
why is it still so cold outside?
Our town community center runs a “home alone” program to teach kids exactly this. It’s a couple of after school sessions to go over the basics of being by yourself and what to do if things go wrong. Nothing more than what you’d tell your kids, but sometimes it helps to reinforce the message from someone who isn’t their parents “nagging” them. Maybe see if yours or a local YMCA has a similar class?
Anon
That’s stuff we learned at age 6 or 7 back in the ’80s, so I’m sure almost-teenagers will be fine. If you have a trusted adult nearby, I’d add them as a person who they *can* open the door for, or whose house/apartment they can go to if they need something urgently.
Remember, no one else really wants your kids, as wonderful as they may be. Very few strangers want your stuff enough to risk breaking in for it. The risk is not nearly as great as our culture would lead one to believe.
Anonymous
Actually, in my neighborhood, it is common for people to be frequent walkers in the neighborhood come up to houses, try the knob (no nocking) and grab a purse or whatever is by the front door. We have a guy who circles on a bike daily. It’s just property crime, but it is a PITA if your phone / license / credit cards get stolen.
Anon
I mean, clearly plenty of people want kids for trafficking (we have official stats on this), but I agree they don’t want kids whose guardians have lawyers, have sway with law enforcement, etc. It’s good for people who aren’t at risk not to be paranoid, but it’s a very real risk for the more vulnerable.
Anon
I used to live in a town with average home prices of about a million dollars. There was a rash of thefts, just people who left their car doors unlocked or their houses unlocked. A young man grabbed whatever was available and left.
anon a mouse
Put a sign on your door that says “no soliciting.” If someone comes to the door, have them yell “mom, someone’s ignoring the sign again!” and point to the sign. Then there’s no reason to open the door. If it’s someone they know, they can yell through the door to go to another house for help.
If there’s a trusted neighbor nearby who is often home, talk to the neighbor about your plans and ask if the kids can call if there’s a problem. When I was a latchkey kid there was an elderly woman two doors down who was my backup. I think I only had to call her once but it helped knowing who could get to me quickly when my parents weren’t near.
Belle Boyd
Is there a window they can open and yell out to the person at the door rather than opening the door? This paired with scripts would work well.
I never, NEVER open my door to anyone I’m not expecting, and if anyone knocks, I can go to one of my bedroom windows and yell down to the person at the door. I even did this for my neighbor — he thought it was funny. It was early morning and I wasn’t dressed. He came to let me know part of a tree had fallen on the carport roof and that he’d be back in an hour to cut it up for me after he got his kid to ball practice.
Extreme? Maybe. But if I am not expecting anyone, I’m not opening the door. They can’t get in the house and if it’s something legit (and I’m dressed!) I can go open the door. Otherwise, we’re having a conversation from the window. If they have a problem, maybe they shouldn’t have knocked.
AnonATL
I do this too. Our laundry room is directly above the front door and several times we have had food delivery come looking for a different address. I just open the window and say sorry we didn’t order anything or whatever and watch them leave from the upstairs window. If I happen to already be downstairs, I will either peak through a window to see who it is or come upstairs and check. Unless I am expecting a repair person or a signed delivery, I do not open the door.
I also have two large barking dogs who spend much of their time downstairs and bark at anyone or thing they don’t know. Funny example: a kid left a ball across the street in the grass of a common area and my dog growled at it for 5 minutes before I walked across the road and kicked it out of sight.
The original Scarlett
Honestly curious who’s randomly actually dropping by? Maybe tailor he approach to that? I can’t imagine ever just popping over unplanned to a friend’s house, and the people who ring our bell are just UPS, USPS, FedEx and Amazon….
Anonymous
In our quiet suburban neighborhood, there are a lot of people who go door to door purporting to sell new roofs, siding, windows, tree removal, etc. I suspect that some proportion of them are actually casing for burglaries. A few miles away, an entire family including two young girls was brutally murdered by two men who got into the house when the parents answered a knock on the door.
Anonymous
The first part of this (minus the murder). We have perpetual opportunistic property crime. We live in a dense small-lot neighborhood of houses and it is a magnet for high$ property crime. We have a lot of foot traffic (hospital workers on walks on breaks, and then other types). We had a guy break into our shed while my husband was WFH and then pretend to be a worker when confronted. I’m surprised that it didn’t escalate (the guy ran off), but it is brazen and in daylight.
Anonymous
Sounds like you should move to a neighborhood that is safer then!
anon
Anonymous at 11:38, this type of thing is increasingly common in many neighborhoods, including those historically that seem “safe”. My parents neighborhood has had this issue in recent years and they live in a wealthy suburban area where the average home price in their neighborhood is currently over $1 million. The only safer option would be a gated community.
Anonymous
You never drop by someone’s house unannounced? We frequently knock on our neighbors’ doors for reasons like the following: (a) can (kid) come out to play? (b) dropping of baked goods either for a holiday or just because we did some baking (c) gardening questions . I don’t have phone numbers for the entire neighborhood and even do, sometimes we are just dropping by.
Anon
No lol…and I usually hide if someone comes to my house unannounced. It’s so easy to text your neighbor and say “hey I have X to drop off, is now a good time?” I think in this age of texting ringing the doorbell seems very intrusive/scary (as evidenced by this thread).
LaurenB
No, it would be extremely rare for me to drop by someone’s house unannounced.
Anonanonanon
I have a child of a similar age and I do the same thing. I tell him not to even peek out to see who it is. He has a cell phone watch (the gizmo from Verizon) so he knows if it were me, I would call him. I usually let a neighbor know that he’ll be home for a bit in case they see the house on fire or something. We live in a neighborhood of row homes in a similar area to what you have described, so the likelihood of someone bursting through the front door to rob us in broad daylight is…low. There are usually people driving in from work, out getting their mail, out going for a walk, etc. With that in mind, I feel there is absolutely zero need for him to indicate that anyone is home or to see who is at the door.
One thing I’d recommend is going over microwave rules if they don’t already know them. Specifically not to put silverware, cans, or aluminum foil in the microwave. A friend of mine caught the microwave on fire doing that when we were kids.
I always feel better verifying that a neighbor will be home, so I can say “if there is an emergency where you need to get out of the house, go knock on so and so’s door and ask for help. She knows you’re here and will be home while I’m gone.”
I haven’t ever done it for longer than an hour, and I let him play video games while I was gone so he stayed in one spot and barely noticed I was gone.
PolyD
Also, do not put an egg in the microwave thinking you will get a hard boiled egg. Ask me how I know this.
(An exploded egg makes a BIG mess)
Anonymous
lollllll
Curious
Glad I’m not the only one :)
Anon
Lol, yeah, I’d be more concerned about them doing things like this than I would about actual stranger-danger. Teach them how not to set the house on fire – that’s more of a danger than a serial killer.
Ribena
My mum’s rule was that if someone came to the door (due to the layout of my parents house you can tell people are inside if you’re at the door) and didn’t go away I was to open it on the chain and say mum was in the bath and I couldn’t disturb her. For phone calls, I was to answer and tell them the same and that the person they requested would call them back.
Anon
It is incredibly easy to kick in a door with just a chain, don’t do this. Yelling through the door is just as effective.
LaurenB
I feel for you – I had an incident (before COVID) where I had to drop off a somewhat package at the home of a relative of my husband who has a child who I am guessing is in the 10-12 range. She was expecting it. I rang the doorbell, child answered, it was clear that no one else was home. The dog jumped on me and without thinking, I entered the house. I put the package on a table so the dog wouldn’t get it, explained what it was and to give my regards to her mother, but I walked away thinking – I could have easily pushed my way into this house and done god-knows-what.
So having said that – could you get a SimpliSafe or similar, which can alarm the house and also has a panic button?
LaurenB
Ugh, somewhat *fragile* package.
PINK
This is a great discussion. Not a kid anymore but I was living in Japan where the cable company sent a worker door to door to collect fees for the national network. It was strange. Then I had a jehovas witness come knocking in rural Japan. I told them I don’t speak Japanese and then they wanted to speak to me in english so that backfired. it would have been easier if I hadn’t opened the door in either case, so definitely food for thought!
This shirt
How would this brand look on someone who is short and definitely has a tummy? I am thinking it is for me if I were living the coronavirus workout dream. But I worked until late last night and there is barely time for sleeping, let alone my best live.
Anonymous
As someone with a similar body type (and workout plan haha) I am passing on this. Beautiful color though.
Anon
I’m wondering the same thing.
Anonymous
Same, I love the look of it and the structure but am afraid it would just emphasize my short pear-ness.
LaurenB
I heard the word “flabbergasted” as a neologism for “aghast at the flab one has developed by not working out during Covid.”
Anonymous
Unfortunately not the best for short with a tummy but there are many other options for that so pass until the next one comes along :)
Anon
What was your pre-COVID go to self care and what is your replacement?
Before stay at home, my monthly pedicure was the best 45 mins of the month (more for relaxation and the massage than for the having nice nails).
Now I’m being even better about following my skincare routine. It’s nice to take a few minutes twice a day to do something for my future self.
Clementine
Pre-Covid I also loved manis/pedis for the same reason. I also belong to a gym that has a whole childcare center, so going to the gym and spending some alone time doing cardio and watching HGTV was my happy place.
Now, I’m embracing a daily cocktail hour – even if it’s seltzer most of the time – where I pour myself a (not necessarily alcoholic) drink and sit outside if at all possible for about 30 minutes. I don’t do chores, I just watch the kids play and listen to some music and chill. It’s my ritual to ‘close out’ my main work day.
(Although WFH parent here, I end up working from 6A-10P to get in a full 8 hour workday.)
Anon
Love it! Someone last week (maybe it was you!) mentioned a similar ritual and toasting to getting through another day. I LOVED that sentiment!
Anon
I’m not a parent and still feeling my workday stretched out like that. I went from being super frustrated by it to sort of embracing it and appreciating the things I get to do during the day that I didn’t otherwise. I lose some time when I make myself breakfast and lunch. My husband is half work from home half essential in the field so he might be out for a couple of hours and then back home working. I always stop what I’m doing when he gets home to greet him and chat for a little bit before going back to work. He has some video calls where he needs our dogs to be quiet so I’ll stop working to spend time with them outside. He does the same for me on my important calls. He works less hours than me generally so I’ll usually join him in his 4 pm workout. Then there will be some kind of call with family that I’ll stop work to do. Next think I know, it is dinner time and I’ve only billed 4 hours and I haven’t even done any laundry! Then I’m working until bedtime billing the rest.
Kara
Ooh I love that. I need something to signal the end of the work day to myself
Anonymous
Come to Georgia! You can get a pedicure on Friday.
Cat
one of the weirder things about this, for me, is that staying home (reading, watching TV, taking a long bath, whatever) WAS my self care. I’m an introvert who loves coming home at the end of the workday for a quiet evening with my husband. My entire life is now – uncertainty about the pandemic aside – my former treat. For those of you who remember the Berenstain Bears books, Too Much Birthday is on point.
As far as beauty goes, my skin is enjoying its break from daily makeup, but there is most definitely no substitute for well-placed highlights.
Anonymous
I am like Cat in that I spend so much time out of the home that coming home and just not doing anything was my self care. I bought a Pilates reformer with part of my bonus this year, so I’ve been doing that. I also, pre-stay at home orders, purchased a few of the Pink Picasso paint by numbers kits. I’m not big into crafts and stuff like that, but I am really enjoying spending 30 minutes to an hour each night just painting one of the colors. It’s a defined task and as I complete more colors, I can see the whole painting coming together. So it’s just really, really nice to have something that has a defined start and end points with built in, defined, intermediate steps that ultimately creates something bigger. A sense of accomplishment that I just really need right now.
pugsnbourbon
A friend of mine loves paint-by-number kits for exactly the same reason. I came across these “paint by shadow” kits and I’ve bookmarked them for her birthday: https://www.thegrommet.com/products/twostick-shadows-by-chirpwood-painting-by-shadows-kit
Anonymous
Pre covid I was obsessed with ballroom dancing. Now I take long dissatisfying walks alone.
Anonymous
I don’t have my contacts in and for a few seconds thought your post said “balloon dancing”. I was very excited to learn what that was… maybe a form of rhythmic gymnastics?
Belle Boyd
Here are some online dance classes I’ve been following to get my dance fix. Somewhere in the list of links there’s a lesson on how to take a dance class alone if you don’t happen to have a partner at the current time. These aren’t ballroom lessons, but there are some good classes here and as someone who’s taught dance lessons in the past, I can attest that it does not hurt to learn different styles. The more you learn, the better dancer you become!
https://www.westcoastswingonline.com/live/?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=i_want_to_help_you&utm_term=2020-04-19
Anonymous
Thanks!!
Anonymous
I did manis every 2 weeks, pedis and a facial once a month and color every 7 weeks. Now I am tucking my newly silver hair into a hat, slopping on sunscreen and getting outside as much as humanly possible, including walks and sitting on the balcony.
Anon
I don’t really have a routine but I should. Two things that have brightened my space a little
1) I’ve been cutting flowers from outside and I have them in little vases all over the house. The one at my WFH space is particularly helpful.
2) I started wearing earrings again. I went through my jewelry box and pulled out about 5 pairs of earrings that are on a hook (can’t remember the word, not post style) so they’re easy to put on, and I just make the small effort to choose a pair every day.
3) and speaking of small efforts, I’ve been getting dressed every day instead of working in pajamas. If I have a particularly early call (like I do today, 7am west coast time) then that is probably in PJs, but I will go upstairs after this and “get ready” for the day, which includes washing my face, brushing my teeth, getting dressed in real clothing (but not office level dress) and putting on the damn earrings.
pugsnbourbon
A family-run local florist has a $20 weekly special – a bouquet with free no-contact delivery. I’ve gotten one every week. I really want to see them pull through – not that I’m going to single-handedly save them, but I’m going to do what I can.
And +1 to the earrings! I wear earrings all the time, but I’m finding excuses to break out my bigger/funkier pairs.
anon a mouse
My self care was working out 4x a week and monthly massages. I can work out at home, but I never do because it’s hard for me to get the same focus and intensity. And, as it turns out, paying for classes was a huge motivator to get up and not skip it. My television won’t charge me if I miss a session so…. I have been sleeping in instead.
I’m 2 weeks past my normal massage and my shoulders are feeling it. I’ve upped my foam rolling but I desperately miss the massage.
My replacement has been a nightly cocktail. Not really a like-for-like trade. I’ve also started doing crossword puzzles to keep my brain active.
Monday
I am also awfully tight in my shoulders and back (often everywhere) and would love a massage. Do you have a Theracane? If I make myself use it while watching tv I notice a big difference. Likewise a Lacrosse ball, which I use under tight areas on the floor.
pugsnbourbon
If you need more targeted pressure than a foam roller, you can try a lacrosse ball or two lacrosse balls duct-taped together. I think you can order them from target and @mazon.
anon
My old self-care was a strenuous workout at the YMCA while my kids were in the childcare.
My new self-care is reading novels here and there. This morning, also did a strenuous workout for the first time since staying at home and took a long shower. Working out while surrounded by people was not as nice, but I have that post-workout post-shower feeling. I will be doing this every morning now.
Anon
I’ve been doing a livestream yoga class almost everyday. Prior to covid I was working late and didn’t have time to make it to classes as often. Now it takes me 10 minutes to change and set up my laptop.
Northwest Islander
Pre-COVID my monthly pedicure was also my indulgence.
Now I am fostering a dog, and our walks are my “indulgence.” I put that in quotes because frequently the walks feel like something I am not in the mood to do…but I always feel better after walking. We walk 4x per day, about 5 miles total. After 5 weeks of this routine, my body has noticeably slimmed down and I sleep MUCH better as well.
September party
Anyone want to guess whether we’ll be gathering in groups by September?
I had a wirlwind of a decade and in September, have a milestone birthday. I had wanted to have a party to gather locally-important people to me (not asking anyone to fly, just funding my kind of fun on a Saturday evening).
Logistically, it’s probably nothing more than a catering order and ~50 people, mainly outside or spread throughout a house and 1/3 acre. But at what point do I need to actually start making commitments and firm plans? July/August? Until then, I am just dreaming (and thinking of fun alternatives: right now, it is going to a greenway bikeride, which I never seem to have time to do). I just don’t want to jerk around small businesses with planning until it seems that this will happen.
anon
My prediction is that some governors will allow 50, and some might only allow 20-30. Some of your invitees might not feel comfortable attending a large gathering. Whenever cases spike somewhere, I expect short local lockdowns again.
Anonymous
Plan this in late July if it seems appropriate then. It isn’t now.
Anon
No, I don’t think we will be. I’m MOH in my best friend’s wedding later this year. She’s a surgeon in a non-hotspot east coast city and she’s expecting she’ll have to cancel her mid-September wedding. I asked her if it would be due to public health concerns or the demands of her job, and she said public health. She’s holding out another few weeks before officially pulling the plug but fully expects she will have to. I trust her assessment more than anyone or any news program.
Anonymous
Here is a related question. Assume school is open in September and all of your friends either have kids or most of them do or you are friendly with the parents of your kids’ friends. All gatherings are bring-your-family in my household, with kids/sibs aged 10-15. If you have an open house (reopening house that we just moved out of to do some work to), even inviting say 4 people could result in a gathering of 20 people easily. [Currently, we are at gatherings of 6? 10? Previously 20, previously 50. Who knows what we get back to.]
; kids are NOT loving being cooped up in a small space across town and away from their friends, who they could at least wave to if not hang out with.]
I am thinking when you really don’t know, but spontaneously may have groups of people over. This is a deli-tray and canned beer sort of hostess spread, no? Hummus and pita? Maybe order a pizza?
Anonymous
This post makes no sense
Anon
Yeah I have no idea what this is trying to say.
LaurenB
I don’t get this, because I wasn’t friends with my children’s classmates’ parents, beyond pleasant greetings. I had a career and didn’t have the time. So I never had the need to have open houses for them.
Flats Only
In your position I would wait until mid-July or so to contact caterers and send invitations. You’ll have a better feel then for whether your party will be possible. No-one’s really planning anything concrete right now, so I don’t think the caterer or your guests are going to fault you for waiting. In the mean time get your guest list squared away, design the invitations if you’re getting printed ones, and research caterers.
Pure Imagination
I would also wait until mid-July or August to plan, but honestly, I wouldn’t attend as a guest. I’d feel bad about it, but large gatherings that aren’t “essential” just aren’t going to happen for me by then. I am a bridesmaid in a wedding in October and I don’t know how that’s going to go (hopefully well), but I wouldn’t attend a birthday party or a cocktail party or anything like that.
Monday
You classify weddings as “essential” as opposed to birthday parties and the like? I am not attacking you, but I don’t follow this. All of these events are inessential, right? It seems more accurate to say that weddings are simply a bigger deal and less routine.
I can certainly understand making different decisions about events based on the occasion, it just doesn’t seem like “essential” applies to any type of celebration.
Pure Imagination
I mean, I’ve committed to being a bridesmaid and a wedding is (ideally) once-in-a-lifetime so I do view it as very different from a birthday party, if not strictly “essential.” That’s why I had it in quotes. However, I won’t go to either if the situation re: COVID-19 isn’t significantly different than it is right now.
Anon
Yeah if you’ve committed to being a bridesmaid that’s very different than just being a guest. It’s not essential in the way grocery stores and hospitals are essential, but I’d be much more hesitant to back out of that kind of commitment.
Anon
I think you’re nitpicking word choice just for the sake of nitpicking and it’s very annoying.
Monday
“Essential” is an actual classification that people really are confused about, and I specifically said I was not attacking her and understood her overall thinking. Jeez.
Anon
Well, obviously no social gathering is essential under the government definition. That’s why she used quotes. It was pretty clear what she meant – that a wedding you’ve committed to being a bridesmaid in is a heck of a lot more important than a birthday party where you’d be attending as a guest.
Anon
Agreed I wouldn’t attend. And I’m eager to send my kids back to daycare as soon as it opens. But we’re going to have to prioritize things based on how risky vs how essential they are, and this seems both relatively high-risk and not at all essential. I expect to be avoiding high risk, non-essential things for a loooooong time.
Anon
In reality, only a bride thinks her wedding is Essential.
Anon
Well, I would certainly hope the groom does as well. To them, it should be essential to get married, just maybe not in the way that they originally planned.
IL
My (large, government-adjacent) workplace is making plans based on the guess that we will be fully back in July. We are in Illinois and seem to be just about at the peak right now.
LaurenB
I’m in Illinois and see the daily stats every night via my spouse in healthcare (at the level of hospital system, county, and state). The hospital system covers northern IL and southern WI. We’re not quite at the peak.
Anon
Assuming it is in line with whatever order is in place at the time, I would totally go. FWIW.
Anon
It sucks, but I don’t think we’re gonna be attending that size of events come September. I would go to a 10 person birthday party, maybe even a 20 person party. But 50? Where I assumedly don’t know all the people and what their normal activities are, I would skip the party.
Paging Good Morning!
You ok? We haven’t been greeted by your cheeriness for a couple days now.
Hope everyone is hanging in there. I know I’m starting to glimpse some light at the end of the tunnel.
Anonymous
i’m not. i hate this :(. I would rather die than keep on like this indefinitely.
Anonymous
Please seek help for suicidal thoughts.
Monday
Well, I haven’t heard anyone say that this might go on indefinitely. The absolute worst projection I have heard is about 4 years. That’s way too long for my sanity, too, but it is a defined period of time.
Anonymous
Omg, this is an off the charts comment. No one, and then repeat no one, is saying that the US economy should remain closed for four years.
Monday
Omg, this is an off the charts reaction. Nobody said “should;” I said the absolute worst case projection. The source was Donald McNeil Jr. on the Daily podcast yesterday. It was based on how long the fastest record for vaccine development is to date (4 years), but technology is far better now and so we hope and expect it can be shorter.
anon
also, we will not collectively sit at home until we have a vaccine. We need to enable people to take time off when they are sick, so they don’t spread unnecessarily. Ramping up testing, PPE availability and contact tracing is obviously hard work, but we know HOW to do it, as opposed to research which is less predictable.
Anon
But no reasonable person thinks we will stay home until we have a vaccine. I have not heard literally one expert even so much as suggest remaining in lockdown until we have a vaccine for everyone. Life may not return to pre-COVID normal until we have a vaccine, but that’s VERY different than having no work/school/daycare. Also, not to be all doom and gloom, but 4 years definitely isn’t a worst case scenario for a vaccine – there’s no guarantee we will have one at all. We still don’t have one for HIV and that’s been 30? 40? years of serious work. Large parts of the economy are obviously going to reopen before we have a vaccine.
OP
Where are you located at? Have you been seeing any news about your local government starting to lift all the rules? I know we still have a very long way to go, and this will still be a very dangerous disease for a lot of people, but we are making progress.
What helped me start turning the corner is realizing life will not be like this until a vaccine. Life will not be like this until herd immunity. Both of which will take a very long time. We are starting to plan and figure out how to adapt as a society to this new threat. It won’t be perfect, but we are starting to come through this thing.
Take some time to do something that makes you smile today. It’s all going to be alright! Hugs from an internet stranger.
anon
+1 I may also suggest taking a break from this board, I think there’s a lot of anxious posters who are making it seem as though we will be in quarantine until we have a perfect solution and that’s absolutely not the case but it can feel like it when you read post after post with that tone.
Anonymous
I find this board to be the opposite of what you describe. Too many people posting that life is just not worth living unless we go back to business as usual so we need to end quarantine now. That stresses me out.
anon
Perhaps you should also take a break from this board then. I don’t disagree that there are a lot of people also posting as you described but I was responding to someone who is clearly spiraling in thinking this will never end which ins’t true.
Anonymous
I think certain people on this board are fine with the world staying closed until there is a vaccine because they wfh now and don’t want to have a conversation with their boss about continuing to wfh when they now longer have to. Some have said as much. That is a minority of people in real life and it’s not a reasonable take on things.
Trust me, most sane people are ready to accept some level of risk to get back to a life worth living sooner rather than later. A small minority will lock themselves up for years, but they can continue to do that while the rest of the world slowly regains normalcy.
I’m in ny and I estimate we’re less than two months away from widespread civil disobedience if things continue like this. I suspect the governor know this, and little by little, things will start to gradually come back very soon.
Hang in there.
Walrus
It’s funny. I read contentious back-and-forths between anon handles (however they are labeled, sometimes the same sometimes not) and just assume it’s one person stirring a pot. When you choose an actual alias, it’s easier to follow a conversation and still anonymous. And maybe it would still be one person stirring the pot with two aliases, but at least it would be a conversation I could follow.
Anon
It’s offensive and dangerous to contrast the lives of the immune compromised and the disabled to “a life worth living.”
Anonymous
No it’s not. If someone decides that never leaving their home is a life worth living, that’s fine for them. But not everyone would. That’s why people are considering suicide. You don’t get to make that call for everyone. Fine for them; not for me.
Anonymous
Agreed. This board has been crazy with obsession on staying at home until the virus is “gone.” That was never the plan. We wanted to flatten the curve and we did. Now we need to figure out how to move on. Some of you won’t be comfortable leaving your homes—-and that is ok. But the rest of us need to get back to work.
Anonymous
Do you tell people it’s offensive to sign a do not resuscitate? Other people choose to be on life support for weeks months or years. Some people value a life that others don’t feel is worth living. It’s ok to acknowledge that.
Pure Imagination
Wow, Anon at 12:21 is shockingly ableist.
Anon
“I think certain people on this board are fine with the world staying closed until there is a vaccine because they wfh now and don’t want to have a conversation with their boss about continuing to wfh when they now longer have to. Some have said as much. That is a minority of people in real life and it’s not a reasonable take on things.”
I also think a lot of the people pushing for indefinite closures and WFH may not have had much of a “get out and do things” life anyway. It seems like there’s a definite contingent of people who have posted about how quarantine is not that different than their regular life. It probably is hard for them to conceptualize that for many of us, this is a complete departure from our regular lives and a big adjustment. If people want to stay home forever that’s their deal; I want to get back to doing the things I used to do, like socializing with others and going to events. I realize doing everything we used to do as we used to do it won’t happen right away, but given infection and death statistics in my area, I definitely think we could reopen at least something.
AnonMPH
I agree that we are not going to stay home until there is a vaccine, but this idea that just because we have STARTED to flatten the curve, we need to already be racing towards reopening because THIS HAS GONE ON LONG ENOUGH is also crazy to me. There are so many people here who seem to keep ignoring over and over again that if we do not have adequate testing and contact tracing in place when we reopen, then all the flattening the curve we’ve done will have been for nothing, and there will be an even more massive spike. We have flattened the curve, that doesn’t mean there are no cases. If you start with a bunch of cases and then allow people to circulate, those cases will start doubling again.
We will certainly not be locked at home until there is a vaccine. But at the very minimum, we need to be home for the 14 days of decreasing cases and have the capacity to test and trace when we reopen. Anything less is just throwing health care workers under the bus again.
Pure Imagination
Anon at 2:34, it’s not that people don’t have a life – it’s that they don’t think your “right” to go meet your friends trumps public health and safety. Not hard to understand. Absolutely none of your “infection and death statistics” are reliable given the absence of widespread testing and some of us don’t want to learn that the hard way in the second wave.
LaurenB
Put another way, Anon at 2:34 (can’t you all just choose some darn screen name already?), we find it very special-snowflake to have a “need” to go meet your friends. Um, you have Zoom, you have FaceTime, Skype, whatever … you’re not REALLY in solitary confinement. In WWII, our grandmothers grew victory gardens, sacrificed wearing stockings, dealt with rations of sugar … surely you can manage a Zoom call with your BFF without feeling absolutely bereft.
I don’t get people who don’t understand the math. It’s not that difficult to figure out that if you re-open too early, you’re going to get a second wave, and people are going to be LESS inclined to stay at home for the second wave because, well, people are whiny about hair cuts and manicures and boozy brunch.
Anonymous
Stop trivializing basic human (ie in person) connection. It is arguably the whole point of life. You are perfectly alllowed to be a hermit or a shut in until you die. You don’t get to pretend it’s not a tremendously inhumane cruelty to force that on the rest of us indefinitely. Shame on you.
Anonattorney
The people advocating relaxing the Stay at Home orders are not pushing for it because they want to socialize and go recreate. It’s because a huge contingent of the world CANNOT work and get any income if everyone has to stay at home. It’s also because the effects of Stay at Home orders on vulnerable populations are very very bad. The longer we have these orders the greater we will increase every metric of inequality. The rich will get richer, their kids will get smarter, men will advance in their jobs at the expense of working moms, people in developing countries will die of starvation and exposure, etc.
There are obviously very real reasons why lifting any stay at home orders must be very carefully thought out, and must be driven by numbers. But don’t be obtuse and say that people want the orders lifted just so they can go meet their friends.
Anon
You know, there may never be a vaccine. We don’t have a vaccine for HIV, despite around 30 years of our best efforts. It’s just something to consider.
anon
This. Can we please stop pinning things returning to normal on getting a vaccine that may never materialize? Can we start thinking about backup plans?
Anonymous
The backup plan was supposed to be containment through testing and contact tracing. Obviously, nobody is working on that because we still don’t have widespread testing. Yes, we should be thinking about backup plans, but we aren’t.
Anon
Yep. There’s a pretty decent chance (I’ve heard up to 50% from experts) that we will never have an effective vaccine for this virus, and most experts think 3-5 years is the likely timeline if we are able to develop one. 3 years is probably also the rough timeline for herd immunity, assuming immunity to the virus lasts 3 years, which is unclear. We will obviously not remain in lockdown until we have a vaccine or herd immunity. Anyone who isn’t comfortable returning to daily life can homeschool their kids and find a job that lets them work fully remotely (which was becoming increasingly common even before the pandemic, and will be even more common now). The rest of us will go back to a “new normal” with work, school, socializing with family and close friends, and partaking in outdoor activities, but minimal (or no) travel and large social gatherings.
Anon
Well I mean, the hope is herd immunity. You either get there through a vaccine or the majority of the population being immune through contracting the vaccine.
I’m going to be very cautious until we have one of those.
As a human being who cares about people I don’t know, I hope it’s not the latter because there will be so many deaths (not to mention lifelong complications that don’t seem to be headline news right now). But one of those two is inevitable.
KP
I feel much the same. I have been reading pema chodron (buddhist guru) and knowing that nothing lasts is actually comforting at this point.
Anon
Please reach out to your people. While following the guidelines is important there are exceptions for health and welfare. If I knew a friend was truly struggling like you sound like you are, I would take the risk of visiting her and spending some distant time together.
NOLA
I was thinking the same thing. Missing our Good Morning poster! I hope she’s just busy. My work is actually slowing down a bit so I can finally breathe. Today, I don’t have a single meeting and I have one student coming to my house to pick up equipment (from my front porch) and I need to deliver to another. I have a little bit of home-based work for a meeting on Thursday and some other stuff to do, but so much less pressure. I might actually take time to call the bike shop this morning! The dude said to me last night – “stop obsessing about this. Call them and enjoy your new bike.”
Anonymous
NOLA, I normally enjoy your posts, but for the love – get over yourself and this bike. This has taken up entirely too much brain space for you and the board.
anon
I think a lot of us are devoting entirely too much brain space to things we wouldn’t otherwise. You wouldn’t believe how much time I’ve spent thinking about decorating/getting furniture for a teeny tiny balcony I almost never use in ordinary times.
Monday
+1. Obsessing about a bike, and posting about it online, is quite healthy compared to what lots of people are doing to cope, numb or distract right now.
anon
+1 I’m personally devoting a ton of brain space to an assortment of things ranging from furnishing a home we don’t own and won’t for at least 1-2 years to obsessively trying to plan the perfect dinner party menu. These are clearly my brain just trying to distract itself from the current craziness and apparently remind myself that there is a light at the end of this tunnel
NOLA
Whatever. I don’t really care. I haven’t owned a bike in 40 years so it’s weird. If you don’t like it, keep scrolling.
Anon
Great, can’t wait for 1,000 posts about this stupid bike.
Anon
Great, can’t wait for 1,000 posts about this stupid bike.
Walrus
I also haven’t owned a bike in almost as many years… I was shocked they don’t come with a kick stand now!
anon
Who is holding your eyelids open A Clockwork Orange style and making you read them?
PolyD
A Facebook memory reminded me that I bought a bike 10 years ago, at the age of 42, after not riding one for years!! It was a good decision, even though I’m still scared to ride much on the streets around here.
And seriously, there are a couple of posters (or maybe it’s just one) here lately who respond to everything as if they were 13-year-old girls (no offense to actual 13 YOs) who whine at everything their mom says: Moooomm, that’s so laaaammmee! Why do you have to be so laaaammme? Ugh!
I mean, everyone is stressed now. Maybe take a breath before snapping back at everyone who says something that you think is not important, or silly, or tedious. No one made you Queen of the Internets.
Anon
FWIW – I keep it pretty positive on here, and try not to police posts. But ffs, enough already.
anon
I for one am all about more random non-COVID related posts
Ses
+1 for pro-bike-updates. I’ve been trying to decide whether to get a dutch style step-through city bike. I already have 2 bikes and no space, so one has to be stored in my living room so… I mean – 2 bikes in the living room is just good interior design if I substitute them for end tables?
Cb
Get your bike! My husband attempted to fix my bike and sheared off the gear set. Luckily bike shops are essential services and they were able to do a repair. Just waiting for it to get back.
OP
Yowza we all need to take a big ole deep breath. This thread was meant to check in on one person who has been a positive force on this board for weeks and suddenly disappeared.
It was not meant to stir the pot and debate for the millionth time what we as the mostly uneducated populace on these specific matters think is the right solution or judge people for how they are reacting to uncertain times. I don’t have the right answer. You don’t have the right answer. Even the experts don’t have the right answer. We are all going to slowly get through this, with a few stumbles along the way. Let’s try to be kind and supportive to one another.
anon
I agree with all of this. FWIW, there was a post last week where a few posters checked in on her asking if her morning posts were still good for her mental health. People were very supportive and expressed gratitude for her posts but that they understood that she may want to take a break. It sounded like she was considering taking a break for her own sanity. Thanks for posting to check in on a regular poster who was a very welcome positive influence for a lot of us
Anon
That poster did actually state that they needed a break from the morning posts, it was some time back.
OP
Thanks, I must have missed that. I just noticed she stopped pretty abruptly this week and was concerned. I personally really enjoyed seeing her comment waiting there every morning, whether I was feeling cheery or not that day.
I understand sometimes you need a break and hope she is doing well.
Pure Imagination
I enjoyed this thought-provoking read in The Atlantic yesterday and thought I’d pass it on: “What Happened to American Childhood?” There’s a lot to think about here as I consider whether to have kids and how my own mild anxiety influences my thinking about parenting (especially in these uncertain times). I’m also thinking of times I’ve “accommodated” my own anxiety (and times I didn’t – to better effect) – excerpt below:
“SPACE, he continued, is predicated on the simple idea that you can combat a kid’s anxiety disorder by reducing parental accommodation—basically, those things a parent does to alleviate a child’s anxious feelings. If a child is afraid of dogs, an accommodation might be walking her across the street so as to avoid one. If a child is scared of the dark, it might be letting him sleep in your bed… In the years since, accommodation has become a focus of anxiety research. We now know that about 95 percent of parents of anxious children engage in accommodation. We also know that higher degrees of accommodation are associated with more severe anxiety symptoms, more severe impairment, and worse treatment outcomes. These findings have potential implications even for children who are not (yet) clinically anxious: The everyday efforts we make to prevent kids’ distress—minimizing things that worry them or scare them, assisting with difficult tasks rather than letting them struggle—may not help them manage it in the long term.”
Overall, I found this article very illuminating and I hope you all enjoy!
https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/05/childhood-in-an-anxious-age/609079/
Anonymous
So interesting! I was very anxious about speaking to people and my mother really stressed that it was okay to be shy but not to be rude. So I had to introduce myself clearly, shake hands, and answer questions politely. But I didn’t need to be the life of the party. It’s been really helpful!
Wendy Davis Byrde
Yes, a family member sent it to me – very interesting. Especially the very brief part about raising your girls like boys, as in not letting them dwell in the emotion too long.
Anonymous
I am in BigLaw, sometimes I think despite being a parent. It has resulted in my kids being always in adult care (same with my doctor friends, who need FT nannies b/c they also work overnight shifts). They are always supervised. We try to counter this on the weekends with loose supervision and lots of nature camps in the summer. But my cousins who are teachers have kids who are much more free-range than mine, largely b/c they live in a smaller town and b/c their moms are home more in the late afternoon / evening / summers, they get an adult nearby if needed who is often doing her own thing vs in direct line of sight. I was that way — my mom taught and I had a home base to go to if I needed it but generally was out and about in my neighborhood.
Anon
For anyone with an anxious kid, this book is so good.
What to Do When You Worry Too Much: A Kid’s Guide to Overcoming Anxiety (What-to-Do Guides for Kids) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1591473144/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_P3VNEbMZ45DCD
It likens worry to a plant that you feed by worrying. The more you worry the bigger the plant grows. The solution is to worry once per day at a set time. Parent enforces this.
It seems simple but it totally helped my anxious son who had a hard time sleeping because of worry (mostly about death.)
Anon
I really wish that I had been taught to handle problems in a rational way. My childhood was a bizarre combination of being mocked for phobias, ignoring actual problems, suggesting overly simple solutions that I had already tried, and making a crisis out of non-crises. Needless to say, it didn’t do wonders for me as an adult, and I’m now paying hundreds of dollars an hour for a therapist to teach me basic life skills.
Children “borrow” their parents’ emotional regulation and ape their coping mechanisms. Knowing this is a tremendously powerful thing: it’s not our job to calm our children down, so much as be calm ourselves and know that the kids will eventually latch on to that.
Vicky Austin
+1 to your last paragraph. This article really made me want to get my own mental health well in hand for the sake of my hypothetical kids.
Anon
Wow, that first paragraph described me.
anon
Thanks for posting this! Very interesting read. It wasn’t a main focus of the article but the mention of the raising boys/girls differently reminded me of the TED talks on raising girls to be brave, although the general advice can be applied to boys as well as girls.
Pure Imagination
It’s funny – in my household, the boys were coddled so much more than I was (as the only girl). I think there was a perception that it’s bad to bully “sensitive” boys (probably because my father was bullied by his brothers), but that girls shouldn’t be too girly/emotional. There were problems with this approach for many reasons, but I did grow up to be more emotionally resilient and “successful” than my brother who was most coddled.
Pure Imagination
Oh also, one thing that worked well in my childhood was that my parents expected us to take risks and participate in sports, like it or not. I resented it at the time, but I developed a lot of skills, including self-confidence and body awareness and so on, that I’ve maintained into adulthood and I am definitely more comfortable with appropriate risk-taking than I would have been otherwise. I’m really glad that I was “forced” into sports even when I was socially anxious.
Anonymous
IDK that yesterday’s thing on leaving kids alone was about anxiety. I get that some kids are anxious. But the reality for a lot of what I’d call executive-level moms is that they have to leave their kids in licensed care centers or with nannies all day starting from when they are 12 weeks old or so. The kids never develop the skills that I did growing up with a basic SAHM decades ago in a small town. Kids never get to go down the block to see if a friend is home to play until they are pretty old b/c they kids either aren’t home or are in a scheduled activity (or the other kid is). It is just really different for a lot of people, I think largely based on what the mom does or doesn’t do for a job.
Anonymous
interesting. It seemed like an underlying point that when mom’s are time crunched from work, they are more likely to allow their kid to do whatever. The turkey loaf kid from the article springs to mind. I have always wanted to work if i have kids but this article made me think about it. I will need to be better at managing my time and distractions if that will work.
Anonymous
True if the kids are older (11?) but not for the younger kids who are home from daycare now. You can let an older kid of at least school age loose at home, but even my younger kids wouldn’t watch TV for long without coming to you or needing you.
anon
Eh, there was definitely anxiety on that post but I’m shocked by the number of posters who seemed to insist that people citing actual laws were crazy for worrying about having CPS called on them. Like it or not (I personally don’t), there are a lot of laws on the books that technically prohibit what most of us would consider completely normal things.
I also disagree with you on the SAHM stuff, I think that’s a romanticized version of the past and a wishful thinking of what the world today would look like if there weren’t so many two parent working families. Totally anecdotal but my friends who are SAHM’s kids are actually way more programmed in terms of after school/extra curricular activities than the kids that are in two working parent households. Part of this is that the families with a stay at home parent tend to be wealthier and can afford more programming for their kids and also programming tends to require someone to be available to cart kids from place to place.
Anonymous
I think that that is true now for SAHM (we have one across the street from us and she is never home and uses sitters more than me; she has 4 kids who do different activities and all have different schools and I just have 2 who do the same activities and are in the same school).
When I was a kid, many moms worked PT, so they were home after school got out but kids walked home from school and moms were available but generally not within eyeshot if the kid was >8, definitely by middle school. If there were lots of kids on the street, you had community eyes and ears. Now, even if there are kids on a street, they are often not all home in the afternoon anyway.
Anon
“Totally anecdotal but my friends who are SAHM’s kids are actually way more programmed in terms of after school/extra curricular activities than the kids that are in two working parent households.”
+1 to this. Also, the people I grew up with who had SAHMs really struggled to learn how to do basic adulting when we moved out of our parents’ houses. My mom was a teacher, so home more often than many working moms, but I still had to learn how to do my laundry, make basic meals, clean up the kitchen, etc. from an early age because my mom was busy and didn’t have time to clean up after me. I had a friend who was raised by a SAHM who did literally everything for her, all the time and moving out on her own was a rude awakening. Saying that kids who go to daycare don’t develop the same skills that they would have being with a SAHM is patently ridiculous on its face and pretty good evidence the person who posted that A. doesn’t have kids and B. doesn’t know anything about good daycare.
anon
Just pointing out that your point about daycare is directly contradicted by the article which states that being in daycare actually is associated with a reduced risk the chances that a kid develops anxiety.
Anon
+1 My kids have been in daycare since 12 weeks, and honestly I think they’re scrappy. Kids in daycare settings don’t get a lot of individual doting, and they often to do things for the good of the group. A lot of their anxiety cannot be accommodate due to the needs of the overall group.
Anon
I don’t think it’s about anxiety at all, actually. My parents had no concerns for my physical safety while being left alone – they started leaving me home alone while they ran errands when I was only 8 and I was babysitting around 12. However, they never would have left me home alone all summer while they worked because they thought I would be lonely and bored and that it was healthier for me to be in camps or at a summer job where I wouldn’t be bored. The same thing was true for the vast majority of my peers, even those with SAHMs. You took summer school or you did a camp (by that age, usually related to a specific academic, athletic or music interest, not a generic camp at the Y) or you had a job (most people got jobs at 16 but there were some you could get earlier). Staying home lounging on the couch for 12 weeks wasn’t an option, but it had nothing to do with fear of your kids being alone or concern for their physical safety. This was in the 1990s, fwiw.
LaurenB
I had a SAHM in my childhood in the early 1970’s and I didn’t just wander around the neighborhood knocking on doors til there was a kid to play with. That’s all so disorganized to me. I didn’t have “playdates” in the modern sense of the word, but I made plans to go play with Lisa on Tuesday afternoon or whatever.
As for my own children, I worked, had a nanny, but even if I’d been at home, the idea of being the home that all the kids just randomly dropped into gives me the shudders. No appeal to always being “on.”
Anonymous
This is interesting. Growing up, there was a joke in my family that my dad’s favorite phrase was “Get over it.” He grew up with 4 sisters (one much older brother) and then had two daughters (no sons) and basically had no time for what might be considered stereotypical girl female drama. His response to essentially every negative feeling was “Get over it.” Sometimes people thought he was mean, but honestly I think it equipped me for adult life incredibly well. Very little upsets me. I’ve tried to take a similar approach with my daughter while still validating her feelings. Sometimes I feel mean.
Anon
I was also raised by people who did not really allow me to wallow in my own feelings and I appreciate it so much now. My parents were not cruel or without empathy, but they had come from basically nothing and understood that to have much of anything in this life – material comfort, money, happiness, achievement, etc. – you need to work hard and bounce back from disappointment. The world is not going to stop in its tracks to let you figure out how to get over your hurt feelings; your happiness is your own responsibility and happiness is more or less a choice. If we made mistakes, got our hearts broken, etc. they let us talk about it but then the question was, how are you going to move forward from this? Compared to people I know who are constantly in their feelings, obsessively think about every little action or phrase they are subject to from others, and ruminate for days on minor conflicts or negative interactions, I feel like I am in a much better place.
Sorry to say this but in working with Millennial women I keep encountering the same phenomenon: they believe that nothing in a given situation or issue is more important than their feelings. It doesn’t matter the stakes of the situation or how many other people are affected. What needs to be considered, discussed to death, dissected in fine detail are their feelings. It gets kind of frustrating.
Anonymous
this post encapsulates the drama around covid-19. the team of people who CANNOT believe that someone who of outside and endanger people, vs the suck it up/life is full of risks team.
Anon
I think this is the problem a lot of people are having with staying home. They’re transferring their fear and grief over the broader situation into the inconvenience and unpleasantness of quarantine and putting a lot of energy into amplifying their feelings.
Anon
I guess I’m thinking particularly of a family member who has been talking about taking a staycation for months now and really looking forward to projects at home. I’m from a rural area where people spend a lot of time at home with their gardens and projects and social occasions tend to be concentrated in big events that people drive long distances to attend. But instead of experiencing this as the break from work that she’s wanted all along, she’s really focusing on her feelings about it, looking up theories that the virus somehow isn’t real or isn’t dangerous, and generally kicking against the goads. I know that the fear and grief is real, but it really seems all out of proportion to the inherent suffering of “just staying at home” for someone who often makes that choice anyway.
anon
Surely you can understand that a week of a staycation with planned activities that you’ve been looking forward to as a break from work and interacting with people every day but knowing that it’s only a week is very very different than an involuntary “staycation” in the middle of a global pandemic that’s been going on for 4-6 weeks and no one knows for sure when it will end?
Anon
I understand the psychological difference, but I thought that’s exactly what we were talking about (how some people are doing better or worse with the emotional and psychological aspects of this than others who are facing similar circumstances).
anon
I probably worded my response to give too much credit to the global pandemic. I was more saying it’s not really a fair comparison to say that a planned week staycation is remotely similar to even a month-long unplanned staycation. Even absent a global pandemic, if it was just “hey we are giving you a month off work unannounced”, a short planned staycation and a long period of time that’s not anticipated are two totally different things and I don’t think people responding to those two situations differently is “just” about their fear and grief. Taking a week away from regular social interactions sounds lovely in normal circumstances when I know it’s just a week and I have plans to see people at the end of it. A month is totally different (and this is much longer).
Anon
That’s quite the generalization.
Anon
Millenials are 40! Stop confusing millenial with “young people”. Unless you want to affirm the “ok Boomer” attitude people likely attribute to you.
Anon
No offense, but from my perspective your father was kind of an ass. A parent should listen to their child’s problems, not dismiss them out of hand. I hope you do better with your kids.
Anonymous
That’s because your perspective is that of a total stranger who read a few sentences on the internet describing a single characteristic. He is a good person and a good parent.
Pure Imagination
+1.
anon
Cosign. My parents were not great at helping me with Emotional Things, and while I suppose that has its benefits (?), as an adult I have literally had to teach myself not to berate myself for having Feelings. I do not want that for my own children. They aren’t coddled, but they are heard, I hope.
SC
Very interesting. I have a child with a combination of sensory issues, behavioral issues, and anxiety. I recognize a lot of things in here, especially parents’ avoidance of distress caused by their kid’s distress. You only get so much time with your kid, and everyone’s busy and exhausted, and it’s tempting to accommodate to avoid the short-term pain.
Testing Testing
Maryland reportedly secured half a million COVID19 testing kits from Korea. Could this be an option for other states that lack testing capacity?
South Korea recorded its fourth day in a row with less than 20 new cases, without a complete lockdown, so apparently testing, tracing, and isolating works (although resurgence is a differenct issue).
https://www.washingtonpost.com/local/maryland-coronavirus-testing-kits-south-korea/2020/04/20/d5d449a4-8311-11ea-a3eb-e9fc93160703_story.html
Anon
Wow, I’m surprised the Trump administration didn’t have them seized!
Newsie
The governor acknowledged that he kept the purchase quiet because of other seizures that the Feds had made. And this is a Republican governor.
Anonymous
one thing that i’m grateful to the current administration for is the increased focus on NLRB rule-making. I appreciate that the joint employer rule has returned to years of precedent and is prospective with actual guidance.
Anonymous
Ok? Like, I’m also an employment lawyer but what a weird post on this blog.
Anon
Yeah, we’re only allowed to say random bad things about this administration. Anonymous at 9:48 should get with it.
Anonymous
lol
anon
As a union member, I am less appreciative of the current direction of the NRLB.
Anonymous
why? the more certainty in the law, the more money can be spent on employee costs and less on having lawyers fight it out. i’m discouraged that union’s (leaders not commenting on the membership) seem to have zero understanding of the laws of supply and demand.
anon
I more meant that new appointees to the board are rolling back hard-won gains for employees. Specificity and certainty is helpful. Not sure what you mean with supply and demand. My union’s contract is expiring later this year, and we were hoping to make gains for our colleagues, but now that the employer is in dire financial straits we are just crossing our fingers hoping we can keep what we have. I’d say that is a reasonable way to read the situation.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
i am curious, what specifically would you say are wins for employees? quickie elections? genuinely asking.
what i mean about supply and demand is that in my negotiations with the union-side, they are living in the pre-pandemic era of “the employer is rich and should pay.” um no, i need you to give on some things because the next step is to eliminate all these jobs. people aren’t signing up to take on even more employee costs right now, especially with no concessions. i’m just venting but it just seems like a short-sighted strategy. the industry i work with is “essential workers” but it’s not skilled labor, so asking for more money for jobs that can be easily eliminated just feels gross to me and counter productive to the employees interests!! observing that union leadership often cares more about a political stance than coming to a fair deal that would help the workers is disheartening, to say nothing of some of the people that they defend.
Jules
Right – making specific and certain law that hurts employees is not helpful.
And I’m also a labor lawyer, on the other side of the table from the OP obviously, and I agree that this is a weird and random comment here.
anon
I’m in the sector of academic workers, and the NRLB keeps swinging back and forth on whether academic workers CAN unionize, based on whoever is president. The right to unionize is pretty fundamental, but unfortunately not available to all employees.
I don’t know why you put “essential workers” in quotation marks – if they are actually carrying out essential business (grocery store clerks) at a significant personal risk while all of us are nice and safe at home, then there is some benefit to the argument of paying them hazard pay at this time. Risking one’s health for an employer’s bottom line should definitely factor into compensation, degrees aren’t the only factor. Grocery stores are not going out of businesses. A lot of unions right now are just trying to get very basic protections for their essential workers – nurses’ unions advocating that they get appropriate PPE, instacart workers asking for sick leave etc.
Given the extreme power differential between an individual and their employer, I think collective bargaining is so important. Every employer is a unique case, but workers shouldn’t get told ‘oh we would like to compensate you better, but we can’t afford it’ while there are outrageous executive salaries and bonuses, share buybacks etc. going on. Under the current administration (and probably others that I am too young to remember), I completely understand why unions have to also protect their political influence to get anywhere.
Kara
I feel like I’m closing in on myself actually, instead of wanting to talk to people. I’m normally very outgoing but have always been bad at keeping in touch with people online etc, and now being at home all the time I just want to talk to the family members I moved in with for quarantine (sister + parents) and no one else. This is probably fine, but it just feels like I’m stagnating and losing time, and possibly getting depressed, because all those previous things are usually associated with being depressed for me. But what can I really do about it? I can restart therapy and medicine but the previous therapy proved that getting out and not being in a rut is what actually helps and treats everything, and I can’t really do that. I have a good job, good pay, minimal health issues (although a family member works in the healthcare field) so I know I should count my blessings. I guess I’ll just be vaguely sad and do work and watch re runs or shows and try to lose some weight (would help in mental and physical ways) until this is over. I know I’m in a good position. This whole thing is just a catastrophically
bad fit for me, especially compared to the people
who are okay with it or prefer working from home (people
Have posted here saying that). I think I’ve had a headache for days straight
Anonymous
Hi babe, I feel the same way. I am cutting myself off from people because I just can’t with people who are into this whole quarantine thing/staying home forever. I also quit therapy at the beginning of this because i don’t see the point of paying to talk about how much i hate this and stewing about it even more than I am already. I also feel like i’m losing precious time in a way that my married/friends with kids don’t. I don’t want to video chat with creeps from the internet and I am so so so over it. Anyway, hugs/commiseration. even though it could be way worse, it still completely sucks.
Airplane.
Can you explain this feeling of losing time in a way that married/parents are not losing? I don’t understand this. Is it that they have family time and you’re not getting first date/dating time? Genuinely curious.
Anon
I am not the person you’re replying to, but I understand the comment to mean that the poster would like to meet a partner and is now missing oppourtunities to date for this rather long period of time with uncertain future duration. I have a partner but would like to start a family – because we need infertility treatment and all procedures are on hold the “clock is ticking” as this lockdown continues on.
Kara
Yep, exactly. If you’re married or with a family you’re just having family time. I don’t mind being single but I’d like to date, and I can’t do that now obviously. Vs being with an established partner
Ribena
For me it’s that people with families or partners may be able to look back on this as time they were able to spend together. For me, it’s just time that I’ll look back on being alone. Life on pause.
Anonymous
hi- i feel like this could potentially be a nice time to connect with spouse/kids without a lot of distractions and not only do i not have that, i’m cut off from doing anything to achieve that. i’m getting older and my window to have kids is closing (not sure if i even want them/i know there are work arounds) but it just feels incredibly depressing and isolating in a way that i have not observed from my partnered friends/people with kids. They are doing couples challenges and cleanses and idk…
anon
I have no advice but just wanted to say that I feel completely the same way. I definitely feel like I’m spiraling but that there’s really nothing I can do to stop it. The things that get me out of spiraling are all things that aren’t available to do (e.g., group exercise classes, making and keeping plans to eat meals with other people, volunteering with friends to clean up/plant flowers/pull up weeds in local parts, plan a vacation and savor the planning process, getting outside, committing to giving someone a compliment each day face-to-face). I don’t think tele-therapy would help, I know what my coping mechanisms are and that they aren’t available to me and talking about this just makes me increasingly more angry.
Kara
Yeah it’s like what do you want me to do? I can cook different things, read books, find a preposterous new indoor hobby – but those just aren’t the things that lift my mood. So I can do those things while depressed or watch tv while depressed, what difference does it make? I was unemployed and actually started a job during this quarantine which has probably helped a lot because at least I’m working for a good chunk of the day.
Regarding the thread about anxious kids – I actually was a very introverted kid, probably would have been fine staying in then, but I’ve intentionally changed a lot of that as a young adult because I was happier not being inside. So. Here we are.
Anonymous
totally agree. don’t try to pawn off making bread on me as some fun activity! i had a laundry list of fun activities to do, now i just can’t do them.
anon
LOL Yes, if one more person tries to tell me another new “fun” hobby/activity I should try I’m probably just going to start screaming at them. I find the people pushing that are the ones that are generally pretty content with the situation, which great for them, but that is definitely not me. I don’t need some magic activity to get me out of my funk, I need this to end.
Airplane.
Ugh. AMEN. A pandemic didn’t magically make me find joy in baking.
anon
I have definitely noticed that the less I socialize with other humans, the more disagreeable I get, and my desire to connect goes down. Not really sure how to deal with it, but I have a little more empathy for lonely, grumpy old people now.
Kara
That’s a good perspective re: older people
Panda Bear
Last night after one drink too many I got out the scissors and cut my own hair. I couldn’t take the tangled split ends anymore, but instead of a tiny trim I went a little overboard, and the result is… well. What have you found that helps your hair grow faster? Thankfully when I pull the front parts back it still looks more or less normal on zoom calls, so it’s not the end of the world, but you’d think I’d have learned my styling limitations from the many barbie dolls left hairless in my youth!
NOLA
One of my friends once cut her own bangs and the results were pretty hilarious. Too short. She was mortified. It honestly wasn’t as bad as she thought it was but the reaction was over the top. She dyed her own hair this week and it looks fantastic (she went with a caramel color rather than her usual platinum blonde) but is letting her bangs grow out.
Belle Boyd's been there/done that
Oh no! You could try biotin. Some people swear that it works, but honestly, the best way to help your hair (and nails) grow is to follow good habits and a healthy diet. Trimming off your dead ends will — despite the initial oh-my-god-what-did-I-do — actually help because dead/split ends cause breakage which will make your hair seem like it’s taking forever to grow. (My sister spent years as a stylist — that’s how I learned all this, and I’ve also made the mistake of hacking at my own hair, much to my sister’s dismay!)
The first few days, up to a week are going to be the worst. This I also know to be true (I once decided I would look ah-maz-ing with bangs after a breakup. I didn’t. Trust me on this. Stay far, far away from scissors when your heart is broken, unless you’re cutting up sh!t that belonged to the person who broke your heart. In that case, have at it.) After those initial few days, things will improve and your hair will get easier to deal with. Til then, though, find some cute clips, master the messy bun, and know that this is only temporary. :)
pugsnbourbon
+1 to this. My wife is on a multivitamin regimen and her hair and nails are outta control. Definitely a good multivitamin, plus vitamin E and biotin.
Also – I think fancy headbands are trendy now? And we definitely all have some bandannas lying around :)
HFB
Healthy hair grows faster. I swear by the following, and I have shampoo-commercial hair: 1- no heat styling or hairdryers 2- do not brush when wet; brush thoroughly before washing then wash carefully to avoid tangles and breakage 3- vitamin e supplements and. 4 – after washing and conditioning, rinse thoroughly with the coldest water you can stand. Hope that helps!
Panda Bear
Thanks all! I appreciate the advice :)
HW
Do you have curly hair? Please share all of your tips for shampoo-commercial hair!
Ms B
I am transitioning jobs in about sixty days (current events notwithstanding). My current briefcase/messenger is in the process of disintegrating, plus it is about 15 years old and not really set up for a computer, power cables, etc. My new job is heavy reading with work both in the office and remote. I will need room for a 15″ laptop, a iPad, a couple legal pads, maybe a couple files, power cables, and assorted other stuff on a daily basis.
I have been looking at the Timbuktu lines for a new bag. Anyone with any experience with them, good or bad?
Anonymous
Timbuktu is for a college student
Anon
Tell that to my 50+ husband who carries one every day.
Ribena
Will you be starting remote or in the office from day 1? (Assuming events continue as they are).
Which type of bag is best for you will depend a lot on your commute. Walking? Public transport? Bike? Car?
And then in what you’re carrying. Can you get duplicate power cables so as not to cart those back and forth? Will you also be carrying a gym kit? Lunch? Shoes? A separate handbag for your wallet and so on or all in together? I’d be tempted to go for the plain black North Face Surge backpack.
Ms B
This is a professional job in a business formal to semi-formal context. I am replacing a vintage Coach messenger that cannot be repaired any more (or located on eBay – I have tried for years). I looked at Lo & Sons, but I strongly prefer a messenger style over a tote because fall/winter business formal means blouse, suit jacket and winter coat or trench and most totes do not stay on my shoulder with all of that. I am not a fan of backpacks either because I am short and they tend to hit me uncomfortably. Budget is flexible, but I do not like things with a lot of logos (so no LV/MCM, etc.) and I want at least some compartments for organization (so the classic Longchamp is out).
I will be 100% car commute door to door and in the office plus or minus 90 percent post-virus, with some regular car and plane travel, including three or four conferences a year. When I am in town, I will have a gym bag and lunch a couple days a week, but I plan to have separate bags for that stuff and I am fine with that.
I don’t mind carrying multiple bags to and from work, but I need one large bag for when I travel (I pack a foldable Longchamp handbag for evenings on those trips). For travel, I want to fit the laptop, iPad, the case that holds my portable mouse, power cords, extra batteries, etc., a legal pad, a couple folders, my wallet, reading glasses, sunglasses, regular glasses and contact solutions, a small bag of toiletries, my headphones, and a jewelry pouch, plus a water bottle and snacks. That means a pretty big bag!
No Longer Anon
How about a Lo and Sons? I loooooooove the Rowledge but it’s not a briefcase look, more like a professional tote bag that can also be a professional backpack.
I have the Lo and Sons Brookline and it’s still going strong after 6 years of consistent use.
Katie
+1 to Lo and Sons. Their whole line is 40% plus an additional 15% off with the code SUPPORTSMALLBUSINESS. I have been lusting after another of their bags and may spring for it in time to head back to the office.
Anonymous
My husband loves his timbuktu bag and also loves his nomatic bag. You may want to look at nomatic as well.
Anonymous
Are you looking for a fashionably functional bag for a corporate job and how much are you willing to spend? Timbuktu is not very appropriate for a corporate setting but if you don’t work in that type of environment, it could be ok. It is a brand generally for kids and man-kids from a style standpoint…
Anon
Does anyone have the air fryer lid for the instant pot and does it work?
What do you cook in an air fryer?
Anonymous
I don’t have the IP version, but I love my air fryer. I use it to make things that I would normally have fried (or well, I wouldn’t have bc it’s super messy, but others and restaurants would) – tater tots, frozen popcorn shrimp (which is a kid fav and the adults use for tacos), chicken wings, homemade french fries and sweet potato fries.
Never too many shoes...
I love mine too. I would add salmon and bacon-wrapped scallops to this list!
anon
https://www.skinnytaste.com/air-fryer-asian-glazed-boneless-chicken-thighs/ made this last night and it was a huge hit!!!
Anonymous
Random clothing recommendation: I bought this blazer which is now down to $38. https://m.shop.nordstrom.com/s/blanknyc-tweed-fitted-zipper-moto-jacket/5223039/
It feels very sturdy, fits well, and I love that it’s work appropriate but a tiny bit edgy with the moto style. I was holding off on work appropriate clothes shopping, but couldn’t resist this price.
Anon
This is super cute. Did you get the tweed one or the cream one? And how was fit?
Anonymous
I got the cream. It fits TTS for me; I’m usually an 8 in most brands and got the medium. I’m happy it fits well in the shoulders, mine are rather broad (not excessively so, but that’s usually the thing that doesn’t work for me with tops) and the blazer fit them well.
Senior Attorney
Oh my gosh this reminds me of my beloved Ann Taylor tweed moto jacket, which has alas seen better days. Just ordered it in two sizes. Thanks!
Anonymous
Great style!
Overtone?
Has anyone tried overtone, and thoughts?
My hair was always blonde growing up and, starting in my early 20s, I dyed it a reddish-blonde to warm up my complexion (one of my parents is a redhead so it wasn’t too off base). Now that I’m getting roots, they are much closer to brown than my natural color was when I was younger. I want to try embracing it, and am considering the “golden brown” color which seems close to what my roots are. Thoughts? experiences?
Anonymous
Haven’t tried it, am a brunette, but just wanted to add as a civil litigator that works at a conservative firm (who doesn’t?), if I was blonde I would use overtone and dye my hair pink right now in a heartbeat!
Purple Hair
I used purple on my dark blonde hair with highlights. It took a lot better to my highlights than my dark blonde hair, but that’s to be expected without bleaching. It also made my hair feel super conditioned and silky. I wouldn’t do a bright color again (that was just a weird quarantine indulgence for me), but I’ve thought about buying just the clear for conditioner. I don’t think you’d regret trying it.
Mineallmine
Last year I dyed out the years of highlights into a dark blonde and loved it. My colorist didn’t put the dye on the ends until the last few minutes to give it an ombré look that helped keep dimension in the color. Honestly this darker blonde look looks a lot younger than my highlights did and is a lot easier to (not) do. I will say that it looked darkest right at first, then gradually faded a bit lighter due to the overdyed highlights, but I liked it in all phases. Go for it!
Anonymous
Do it! I have, on average, honey blonde hair with some lighter face-framing pieces and darker underneath, and did the rose gold for brown hair. I couldn’t decide between “for blonde” and “for brown” but I think by the time I decided, only brown was in stock so I went with that. After the first application, my hair was REALLY pink, and it’s been gradually washing out to what I was envisioning (mostly pink tones over my normal color, with the streaks that were lighter blonde now pink). I’m thrilled with the color now, and so not looking forward to having to let it revert back to my normal color when I have to go back to work.
Snon
I tried the ginger on my light brown hair…it is EXTREMELY subtle. It looks a little more “gingery” than normal in regular lighting but you can really see the reddish tint in bright direct light. I actually really love it—it looks natural and like my hair is a natural auburn color, not that I Dyed My Hair Red color.
The conditioner also made my hair super soft and silky! I’d recommend buying the little testers first…depending on your hair, you can get 1-2 uses out of them.
Paging skincare person from yesterday
Someone was asking about skincare routines yesterday so I wanted to chime in. I went down the Asian Beauty sub-reddit a few years ago and it was super helpful. In particular, the blogger Snow White and the Asian Pear has a ton of great posts and starter resources. The game-changer for me was realizing that my skin is both dry AND dehydrated (I have eczema as well), not just dry. If your products aren’t sinking in, it might be because you have a layer of dead skin that they can’t penetrate. In that case, you have to remove it so that the fresh skin is open to absorbing the products. Snow White has a lot of suggestions to safely do this step and then maintain the “moisture barrier” so that your skin continues to stay healthy and receptive to the products you put on it.
Another poster commented about the correct order of the products, and I found that this mattered for me a lot. When I first started, I wasn’t using enough hydrating steps and a final moisturizing step to lock it all in. It took some experimentation, but I finally landed on a series of products that work well for my skin. Highly recommend checking out Snow White’s blog and checking out the “help for beginners” under “guides and tutorials”.
Anon
I went down the Asian beauty path based on someone’s recommendation here. I mostly came back up the path to standard US products, but AB did help me realize my skin was too dry. I thought because I still had blackheads and the occasional breakout I needed to be drying out my face, but in fact I was making the problem worse.
Anonymous
+1 big AB fan. If I could recommend one product it would be Hada Labo Premium hyaluronic acid serum (the orange bottle). Pat it on to damp skin, it will change your life. That and the plethora of SPF options.
Probably a jerk
For admin professionals day we ordered gift baskets from a local high end grocery store. So a $100 basket (store assembles it) and $200 gift certificate per person. The online order system prompts a 15% tip. We removed it for the gift certificates but left it for the baskets. Is this a jerk move? We paid 15% on each basket plus a high delivery fee on each item.
I know the store owner and I feel like she wasn’t impressed.
SC
I don’t think this a jerk move at all. I would not tip on a gift card, even if it’s part of a delivery.
Anonymous
I would tip 20% on the gift basket and nothing on the gift certificate.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t have tipped on either of these things.
Anonymous
Agreed. I hating the tipping concept all together. Companies should pay their employees a reasonable wage not expect me as a consumer to do so.
Anon
If they’re charging a delivery fee, I probably wouldn’t even tip at all.
The original Scarlett
These days, my philosophy is if you can afford it, tip more. Nice to patronize regardless.
Probably a jerk
Yeah. It’s awkward but I basically would rather spend the money on additional gift than tip. And I have never tipped on a gift certificate before. The tip prompt number after buying ten baskets and 2000 in gift certificates looked crazy to me.
So if it was a choice of tipping 15% on everything and shopping elsewhere I’d have just gone elsewhere.
We did tip $150 and pay another $150-200 in delivery.
Cat
I understand tipping on gift basket assembly in these times. Normally I would see any tip here as an example of excessive tipping – the employees are making a regular wage to do this – but not at the moment. That said, asking for 15% of the gift card balance as part of the tip under any circumstance? No.
The closest equivalent I’ve seen to this – where I come out on the other side, though – is tipping on expensive wine at restaurants. Yes, you still tip on the total, even though it’s the same amount of effort as opening a less expensive bottle.
Casper
Well, one of my quarantine nightmares has come true. My sister broke up with her boyfriend and is now living in my guestroom. Here’s hoping it’s just a fight and she goes home soon?
CPA Lady
That thread about leaving middle school kids at home made me think about this — what was the most absurd or questionable thing you did at home as an unsupervised kid? And I also saw a thread a while back about why gen X is particularly suited for quarantine because of their experience as latchkey kids. There was a mention of inventing snacks. So, if you had one, what was the greatest snack you invented as a latchkey kid?
I didn’t invent any snacks, but the most questionable thing I did involved these microwavable chocolate chip cookies we got. I misread the package and instead of microwaving them for 30 seconds, I microwaved them for three minutes. They were lumps of carbon and a ton of smoke came pouring out of the microwave when I opened the door. Thankfully we aired out the house enough and buried the cookies deep enough in the trash can that mom didn’t find out.
Anonymous
Grilled cheese with absurd amounts of cheese. Essentially fondue with sort of toasted bread swimming in it. It also took me awhile to figure out that pasta water actually had to be boiling before the pasta went in.
Anon
We set a pretty good grass fire once with a magnifying glass.
Various hi-jinks with MRE heaters. (Mom: Where did you learn that? Us: *mentally weighing whether to admit it was from Dad*)
anon
I once made a frozen pizza and thought the cardboard at the bottom of the pizza was supposed to go into the oven with the pizza, luckily the smoke alerted me to the fact that something was off before the entire house set on fire
No Longer Anon
My brother tried to make me dinner when I was sick one time and didn’t add water to the cup of noodle. Burnt styrofoam is an awful smell.
anon
put a put on the stove to heat up leftovers. Only told my mom many years later where the burn marks on the cork coaster came from.
No Longer Anon
We were sometimes alone from about 3:30-5:30 between when my dad left to go to his restaurant (about 10 min away) and my mom got home from work. Usually we just watched TV. I was about 12 or 13. One night, I scared by someone at the door (turns out it was a door to door salesman, who then sat in his car at the end of the driveway tracking sales). I stood by the door with a butcher knife until my dad, who I had told my brother to call, got home. Apparently my brother, probably 9 or 10 at the time, had called and said “She’s standing by the front door with a knife because there’s a scary man in the driveway, HURRY!” My dad got there in like 5 minutes and scared the living hell out of the poor salesman by banging on his window after jumping out of his car.
Also, the first time I was left home alone (for less than 10 min, broad daylight) I stood in the entry way with my brother’s little league baseball bat and cried, terrified, the whole time. I was probably 7.
Anonymous
lol! I love this thread. Caveat I was not a latchkey kid, was heavily supervised and everything i did was basically to get away from the parental oversight. This was in the era of dial-up internet, and my parents had the password and would input it for homework/authorized internet time. I needed to be on AIM and downloading songs from limewire, safety and phone bills be damned. Reader, I found a cd-rom and signed up for a free trial of AOL and got my own unsupervised internet access (I guess this was before having to put in a credit card for a free trial). I used it for the entire time, finally doing whatever. My mom didn’t know I had done this until last year.
AMB
I would usually get home around 4 and neither of my parents would be home until 5:30 or so. My favourite snack (among still one of my faves) is triscuits with cream cheese and salsa but I was supposed to assemble this in the kitchen rather than bringing the ingredients to the living room. Well, I didn’t always follow instructions. One day I was hanging out with my best friend and spotted my father walking down the street a bit early. I grabbed the food and went to run it back into the kitchen but tripped on the carpet and threw the jar of salsa onto the cream wall. I think I was still standing there, not sure of what to do, when my father walked in.
BB
Ooo! When I was 9-ish, I was home alone and thought I felt “sick” but also hungry. So I got out our old school mercury thermometer to take my temperature, but did this in the kitchen. I dropped it on a hard surface and it shattered splattering mercury quite widely. I know this because although I secretly cleaned up the glass shards before my parents saw, my dad literally found a spot of mercury on our utensil tray a few hours later and asked if I had broken a thermometer.
pugsnbourbon
Oohhhh, my mom broke a thermometer when we were little and her reaction is seared into my memory. This from a woman who freely admitted to playing with “quicksilver” when she herself was a child.
Senior Attorney
My mom left me alone when I was really young — like 8 or 9. One time I dug out her cookbook and made a chocolate cake from scratch in a loaf pan, and then just broke it in half to make a layer cake. Then I didn’t know what “confectioner’s sugar” was, so I tried to make frosting with regular granulated sugar and ended up with gritty chocolate syrup instead of frosting.
Anon
Oh my husband did that (the granulated sugar instead of powdered sugar thing) once. As an adult.
No Longer Anon
A few years ago a friend and I didn’t read the instructions closely enough and mixed cinnamon, sugar and butter together to top waffles.
We quickly realized that it was supposed to be cinnamon and sugar with butter to spread but we were stuck with this….awful cinnamon-y butter glop. We spooned it into the waffles.
Anonanonanon
Not a home alone story necessarily, but one time when I was 7 or 8 my dad left me in the car alone in a parking lot to run into a client’s building for something (can’t remember why in the world I was with him). I got bored and distinctly remember thinking “that’s a tall building, I bet there’s a nice lady at a front desk with a bowl of hard candies on top of it” and opened the car door to get out and go check. The alarm went off and the wipers started going for some reason. I sat there TERRIFIED of getting in trouble for causing a scene. My dad, who normally got unreasonably angry about things, ran out and saw my face and the car beeping and lights flashing and doubled over laughing.
Anon
Oh I have lots! I went through a brief goth phase and I pierced the web between my thumb and forefinger with a safety pin. Then I realized I wouldn’t be able to wear my softball glove (yes, I was a goth athlete) and called a friend freaking out about how to remove it. I also died my hair pink with koolaid and tried to play it off as some kind of accident. In a way it was because I thought it was temporary but I didn’t slip and fall into a pitcher of Koolaid.
On the food front, I made cheese dip. I’d melt generic Kraft style singles with some whole milk and butter in a bowl in the microwave, stir, let it coagulate and then eat with chips.
On the scary front, I got home once and I knew my parents were going to be home in 10 minutes or so. I swore I heard someone walking upstairs in our house. I picked up the phone and called a friend and I could hear someone breathing on the line. I was still in denial someone was in the house and I sat in my kitchen with a knife where I could see both exterior doors and the stairs while I waited for my parents to get home. They searched the whole house when they got home and no one was in it and nothing was amiss.
Anonymous
omg that is so scary!!!
Horse Crazy
You mean a gothlete.
Anon
I was 11 when I made tempura shrimp unsupervised. The kid next door (10) loved it. She then brought her family’s pancake mix and requested I make pancakes for us too. It was the first summer we moved there and I wasn’t signed up for any summer programs. Parents were at work. I don’t know if my parents would have wanted me to use the gas range but I guess I did, and survived to tell the story. Generally my worst crime was forgetting/losing the house key and having to wait outside until my parents get home from work to let me in. This happened a lot. I otherwise stayed out of trouble.
Anon
Oh yeah! I definitely had to break into my own house once or twice and was surprised how quickly I was able to find a way in. Usually removing a screen and pushing up an unlocked window.
SC
When I was an older teenager, I was home alone for a weekend while my parents were out of town. I locked myself out of the house. My parents weren’t answering their phones because they were attending either a wedding or a funeral. I borrowed the yellow pages from a neighbor and started calling all the locksmith numbers. The same guy answered every single number–apparently he just bought a bunch of ads under different names. But for some reason, he wasn’t available. After he picked up for about the 10th time, he gave me the number of another locksmith, who let me into the house several hours later.
About 5 minutes after I got into the house, my parents called me back. There was a spare key in the meat drawer of the garage refrigerator the whole time.
Bette
Not food-related, but in high school my best friend and I made a lot of movies. For one of them, we took her younger brother’s plastic car, poured lighter fluid on it, and set it on fire in the middle of their (cement) patio, zooming in on it to make it look like a car accident scene. We managed to scrape the melted plastic off the cement, but it left a charred black spot so we had to fess up to what we’d done. I regret nothing!
Anonymous
Wow. These are pretty tame. For me, the list includes recreating my mother’s linguine with clam sauce including the wine, drinking beer, shoplifting, getting into a fist fight, and making out with boys. I really didn’t think I was a bad kid.
anon
Oh I did my fair share of drinking and making out (and a lot lot more) with boys, but I think that’s pretty normal kid/teenager behavior. I only posted the things that were objectively questionable (like what on earth was going through my mind). Also the post was centered around food so I think most people have been running with that theme.
anonshmanon
lol, the way I read your sentence, your mother’s linguine are quite a ride!!!
Anonymous
HA! I see that.
Anon
I first read it as “Recreated my mother’s LINGERIE”… linguine makes a lot more sense, LOL
Horse Crazy
Me too!
Anonymous
Is anyone else engaged in a battle over the thermostat? My house traps heat like it’s going out of style. If it’s over 50 outside, my house is well in the 70s. My home office, in particular, gets sweltering even if other rooms are cool (even with blackout blinds). I run warm. BF claims to run warm (he doesn’t). I was wondering why my office is over 75 today… BF turned the heat up to 70 (I keep it at 65 – the house is usually above that during the day anyway). He’s sitting comfortably on the couch in a t shirt. PUT ON A SWEATER. Harumph.
Anonymous
YES. DH prefers to just wear his boxers all day, and no other clothes, lol. Thus, he sets the thermostat to 77-79 degrees!! We can compromise during the day, but at night it’s WW3. I am a diagnosed insomniac, my treating neurologist recommends thermostat setting of 64 degrees at night. I settle for 68. DH wants it to be 75 and we “argue” (in the lightest sense of the word) about me turning down the thermostat at night so I can sleep. PUT ON SOME CLOTHES PLEASE.
Senior Attorney
Ha! My former husband and I BATTLED over the thermostat! I was the one who was always freezing and he needed it at 68F even in the middle of summer.
My son’s favorite comedian, whose name escapes me, had a routine that went like this: “So my wife and I are getting divorced. People ask me why and I say it’s because we lived in a house. With a thermostat.”
Anon
My office said they’re projecting that we will be done with WFH…in 2021.
Anonymous
Good for your office, they are grasping reality. Most offices aren’t quite there yet.
Pure Imagination
Where do you live? I really have no clue how employers in my area (Bay Area) are going to handle it. A lot of tech companies already have great WFH infrastructure and I think people who can should continue to WFH for quite some time, but it’s very hard to determine what will happen when we have high population density and a heavily used public transit system to contend with as well. Plus, we have notoriously bad traffic, so it’s not like it’s a great option for people to just hop in their cars to commute instead.
Anon
No! What state? What kind of employer?
Anonymous
I think my husband’s company will take this excuse to move to permanent WFH for most employees so they don’t have to continue spending money maintaining their aging buildings.
Anon CRE
I’m in commercial real estate, and one segment of our business is tenant advisory – not my business but we’re the beneficiary of their information stream. None of what I’m describing has been set in stone by any tenants we work with (we’re a large, international firm) but represent some themes that are emerging out of Asia and other areas of the world that were on the leading edge of the outbreak.
It’s not unrealistic to expect that you will be in some sort of rotational WFH situation through much of this calendar year… some are talking about going back in waives, A Team/B Team/C Team structures. Most vulnerable due to age or underlying health conditions will have the option to work from home indefinitely / until such time there is a vaccine or other remedy. People who cannot do their jobs from home will be A team (so long as they don’t fall into the ‘vulnerable’ bucket). People also in A will have antibody testing (admittedly, doesn’t reliably exist yet…) and if you prove to have antibodies, you get the option to go back sooner than other teams. The teams switch every couple of weeks with a deep clean of the office daily but especially between team shifts. Where this all crosses with medical privacy/HIPPA, I have no friggin clue… it’s hardly perfect and I can personally ask a million questions and poke lots of holes in the above, but, again, these are some themes that are starting to come up. It’s no doubt interesting to think about.
Anon
There’s finally some data coming out about hydroxychloroquine and it is…. not good. https://apnews.com/a5077c7227b8eb8b0dc23423c0bbe2b2
Paging the person who said the skepticism about this treatment was all a big conspiracy to hurt Trump. ?
Anonymous
“The nationwide study was not a rigorous experiment” is a direct quote from this article. I am so sick of fake news.
All I know is that if I were in the hospital, I would be asking for it (along with azithromycin). I would rather have an irregular heartbeat than be dead but YMMV.
Alanna of Trebond
If I am in the hospital, I hope someone will fight for me to get remdesivir and an IL-6 inhibitor.
Anon
+1
Anon
You’re missing the fact that the heart problems kill you. It’s not like it’s a choice between mild heart palpitations and death.
To answer your question, no I absolutely wouldn’t take it. My cousin is an ER doctor in NYC and emailed the family a couple weeks ago telling us not to take it if we ended up hospitalized. She said patients are dropping dead within hours of starting it, and her anecdotal evidence was that people were doing better without it. Her hospital has stopped using it now. My cousin (and a lot of other MDs in the US) think remdesivir is the best treatment but it’s still really hard to get. Until recently you could only get it if you were really young or pregnant. I think they’re expanding the use slightly now but it is still not easy to get.
anonshmanon
You’d rather be alive than dead, you say. Did you read the results of this (preliminary) study? People treated with HC died with 3 times higher probability.
anon
Last Week Tonight was on hydroxychloroquine, as well.
Anon
Last Week Tonight was on hydroxychloroquine, as well.
Anon
It was more rigorous than anything done so far. Just because it’s not rigorous enough to be conclusive, doesn’t mean it’s not better than the anecdotal evidence that we had previously.
Anonymous
How do you figure this?
Anon
Because the article says that? “But with 368 patients, it’s the largest look so far of hydroxychloroquine with or without the antibiotic azithromycin for COVID-19.” The previous “results” discussed in the news were just individual doctors saying hey, I gave this to a few people and they recovered. Which is great, but they were results pertaining to a much smaller number of people and (more importantly), there wasn’t any comparison to people who didn’t get the drug. The fact that a few people got the drug and did well is, scientifically speaking, no evidence of anything. Without a control group, you have no idea if the drug helped or hindered those people’s recoveries, or did nothing. As far as I know this is the first US study that compares patients treated to hydroxychloroquine to patients not treated with hydroxychloroquine, and it suggests hydroxychloroquine doesn’t help and, in fact, does harm.
Anonymous
if you define data as random words on the internet, then sure, this is data.
Anonymous
But the alternative “data” is based on nothing at all …
Anon
They’re both bad.
Anonymous
it’s data as in 368 patients.. which is more data than zero patients.
Anon
They say that in the post-shutdown world there will be more telecommuting. Do you think that means jobs which can be done from home will come with lower salaries than they did when everyone was in-office? I suppose with the recession, they will have to pay people less anyway, but I was wondering if they would take wardrobe and travel costs into account now for those who won’t need to commute or wear office appropriate clothing.
anon
Why would they take clothing and travel into account then? They don’t take it into account now, when paying us. I spend $200 a month in public transit, and make the same as my coworker who walks to work. They better not try anything like this!
Anon
Very much doubt it unless they are talking about fringe benefits – no need to offer transit reimbursement to teleworkers. But salary is based on the value you bring not your budget. If someone wants to talk about my clothing and commuting costs then they need to pay 1/3 of all my utility and rent as well as internet and phone usage. It’s stupid to go tit for tat on this.
anon
I think the more likely outcome is that if teleworking really becomes a thing that companies will likely look to layoff employees from HCOL areas where salaries tend to be higher and replace them with employees from LCOL ares where average salaries are lower. Unclear if they’d be able to find the employees in LCOL areas but I’d be shocked if sophisticated companies weren’t already looking into this. If you can’t have your [insert white collar profession here] physically in the office, why would you pay someone a New York salary if you can find someone in a LCOL area and pay them a lot less.
Cb
Australian National University had a really interesting blog that basically argues our homes have been requisitioned due to lockdown, with negative impacts on gender equality.
anonshmanon
they should pay me more, because I have to get a larger home to have a decent workspace in it. You can play it either way.
anon
Yeah seriously. Please pay me enough money to get place with office space, and an actual desk with actual office equipment, because this 750 sq foot apartment WFH situation isn’t doing it for me. I am so jealous of people with home offices.
Anon
Years ago we actually used to get a stipend to pay for home office space and internet access, so they’d pay us more. Pretty sure no one will be taking wardrobe budgets into account.
Anon
I realize people don’t take wardrobe budgets into acct now when hiring, but when they are hiring for wfh, I can see that coming up with transportation costs. It may not start out as a serious comment, but it will probably go into consideration. Like, why are we paying this person the same as someone who has to drive here, buy lunch sometimes, and wear decent clothing and shoes every day?
Good point about hiring from LCOL to work for companies in HCOL areas…
Anon
I work for a government agency that previously had no WFH policy and prohibited staff (though not attorneys) from working remotely. We are now all working remotely. They did not offer any equipment (laptops etc) to anyone for the first 3 weeks, so everyone who had one started working on their own. People who asked were given a laptop. I would love to get some sort of reimbursement for the use of my apartment, internet, personal laptop, and what I spent on getting an external monitor and keyboard. But instead I’m just thankful I still have a job.