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Anonymous
Just posted on the AM thread; cross posting for visibility:
WWYD in this currently fictional but likely to happen in the next 5-10 years scenario:
Married couple late 30s, 3 kids currently in elementary (K/2/5th). Spouse and I both work; I’m part time. He makes about 70% of our income, I make about 30%. We are on track to fund a substantial portion of college for the three kids (goal is to fully fund state school via 529s, and we are very much on track for that, then bankroll the difference between what they need and what we have saved outside of 529s; I’d say we are on track to fund 70% of private college out of savings for the 3 of them). We have one main family home, with about $500k left on the mortgage. No other debt. We have a robust retirement account (~1.5Mish, about half is Roth) that we continue to contribute to on pace to retire in our mid/late 50s if we want.
We are likely to inherit several million dollars from DH’s parents. Some of it will come when DH’s father, who is 88, dies, and the rest when his mother (79) dies. We do understand they could burn through this money but it is very unlikely- we don’t quite know how much they have in total or what will be left when they die, but it’s well north of 5M, could easily (and probably is) well over 10M. At least 2M of it is in a separate trust that is entirely for DH and untouchable by FIL (it’s his grandmother’s money); the rest is jointly owned by his parents.
It feels weird to plan our lives around receiving this inheritance, so for now, we are careful savers, live a fairly modest life (old cars, small house in a really expensive town with good public schools, vacations but nowhere crazy). but what what point, if at all, do we start to live differently? Or do we just do…nothing…and put all the money in trust for our kids? Years ago, we mentally figured the inheritance into college savings, figuring we’d save our part, but we could use the inheritance to fund the difference between public and private college. Now, 15ish years later, we know that the money will go well beyond that.
Do we…
– consider buying a family vacation home? We could fund this within our current means, but it would be a stretch and in our conservative opinion, a little tight. Not can’t-make-the-bills tight, but tighter than we are accustomed to living.
– consider retiring early if/when the money comes?
– put the money entirely away for something like the education of our grand and great-grandchildren?
– set aside for our kids in some way? DH is an only child but we have 3, so the money wouldn’t pass 1:1 like it did to him from his mom and grandmother.
Do we let the kids know about it as they get older?
Worth noting is that my MIL has told us that she has to/ wants to start moving money to us due to pending changes in federal estate/inheritance laws, which only impact large estates so we are fairly certain she’s sitting on 10M+. She gave us $30k last year and put $15k into each kid’s 529 in 2023. She is sort of…confused…because she’s also always been a good saver and now she’s 80 and never spent anything and her mother was the same way.
My family is a “use it or lose it” type family; my parents are both set for retirement but planning to use what they have saved.
Anon
As a single mother who is barely making ends meet, I want a snap a pencil reading this. I’m happy for you. And yes, I should scroll past this. This is a ‘me’ problem not a ‘you’ problem. But the way commenters breezily talk about immense wealth and ponder out loud about it….it’s so alienating. I’m not saying OP is doing anything wrong, but it’s feels like people live in a totally different world. “We don’t even need the money!” “No debt!” “We have college savings covered.” I’m worried about telling my kids that college is off the table.”
Anyway, I would talk to a financial advisor and a therapist (just to talk through and understand your own thoughts about money).
Anon
I agree that it often feel like commenters here live in a different world. Like the ones who truly believe they can barely making ends meet on $300k.
I don’t make 6 figures and grew up in poverty, so I understand it can get grating.
Wildkitten
Samesies.
Anon
Yes, same.
Anon
I make $60k a year. Is my life luxurious? No. But I’m doing fine. I love seeing posts like “My partner and I have a HHI of $250k but we can’t afford kids.” Shut up.
Anon
Yeah, I know people making $200k plus in a VLCOL area who claim they “can’t afford” kids. It irks me but I move on.
Anonymous
OP, you do not need to talk to a therapist about this issue. That’s banana crackers. See a therapist if you want/need for other issues, but this is a ridiculous suggestion for what you’ve asked here.
Anon
Yes, that’s definitely the craziest part of this whole thread. A suggestion to talk through your money philosophy
Anon
Yeah I grew up middle class (I’m just hoping my parents or extended family won’t need financial support in retirement) and I work in government. It blows. my. mind. reading posts like this! Good for all of you who are doing so well but it’s mind blowing.
I also sincerely hope that everyone who is doing so well is doing their part and giving back to their community (my role works with really underfunded programs and people who really need all the help they can get from these programs). Doing the type of work I do and knowing the vast financial inequality in this world makes it hard to not develop an “eat the rich” mindset…
anonshmanon
yup, I think this is where my mind went. So your family is well off, wonderful. You are anticipating this huge chunk of money that you don’t even need. You’ve been able to provide for your own family and don’t seem to have an issue being savers and living a relatively modest life. If there was truly something that you had always dreamed of but couldn’t afford, fine. But your first suggestion to buy a second residence seems to be entirely lukewarm?? It comes across as if you are bending over backwards not to think about doing some good in the world for less lucky people. With literal millions that you don’t need.
Anon
My husband and I adopted a newly arrived refugee family of 7 (mom, dad, 5 kids) after the family fell through the cracks of every (meager) social safety net we have. Watching them struggle – the brilliant dad to get a job, the mom to stretch plain baking potatoes into multiple meals for her large family, the children to do well in school when there’s so much want at home…
And then there’s people with tens of millions of dollars they don’t need and can’t think of how to spend.
Our friends only know a small sliver of what we’ve done for the family financially, and even then, they’re like, “Wow! You’re so generous!” No, we’re just being decent humans. I do not know how you can hear of a family in your neighborhood that has escaped a war-torn homeland and is quite literally starving with no clothes for winter and not rush over with food and warm clothes and invite them into your own home and make them welcome. I don’t understand how politicians can argue over food stamps that only last 20 days in a month and say they need to be cut further. I don’t how they can say there’s no money for affordable home internet grants for children doing homework and parents looking for work. I don’t know how someone can say “I don’t know how to spend the great wealth I am poised to receive.” Do Good. That’s the answer. Do Good.
Anon
This x 1000000. Please. Set up a foundation and name it after yourselves if that floats your boat, but please put that money to work helping others.
anon
Mmm. Yep. I worked on a niche criminal justice issue for give years as the recipient of a grant from a young man from a wealthy family. He pays someone full-time to find pet social justice projects!
Anon
I’m with you on all of this (including knowing this is not OP’s fault and that it’s a me problem.)
Anonymous
It makes me really sad somehow that the people who inherit millions drive around in old cars and have less than beautiful homes and take ho hum vacations. I’d be such a good rich person. I get that world is not fair but man…millions and millions and you can’t be bothered to live beautifully. It’s no fun at all to watch or even fantasize about.
Anon
The thing is that millions goes super fast if you have a big spending attitude. My parents have millions precisely *because* they drive old cars and never upgraded from their small starter home. There have been some nice vacations in there and it’s not like they don’t enjoy being rich at all, but they would not have that much money at all if they went around constantly buying new cars and real estate.
Of course if you’re talking about like $50M+ it’s a different story, but it doesn’t sound like that’s OP’s family’s level of wealth.
PLB
I agree!
Anonymous
I would not count on anything until it actually materializes. Your MIL could easily live 20 more years and use up all the money on home health care. The stock market could crash. She could decide to leave it all to charity. She could remarry and leave it all to her new husband. You just don’t know. I wouldn’t even count on gifts in future years; I have a sibling-in-law who did that and the outcome was not pretty.
Anon
I’m in a similar situation but without kids of my own. I expect the total inheritance to be about $10m in today’s dollars assuming my parents don’t need the money for their own care. I’m a 40-year old government lawyer who is financially stable on my own but these assets will be a game changer, of course. I like my job a lot and am not interested in retiring early at this point.
My parents’ primary concern and why they want to leave the money to me rather than donating it is my elder care because I do not have children who may/could care for me- I probably will put aside most of the money for that. Depending on your kids, you may want to consider this issue too. I expect care to only become more expensive as we reach old age. My second goal is either a vacation home or a very large fund so that I can afford to rent condos in various locations for as many months of the year as I want to to live.
If I had kids, I absolutely would want to pay for their full educations and significantly help them with their first houses. My parents did both of these things for me, and it was a game changer that enabled me to take the job that I’m in.
Anonymous
I would not do anything different now, and then consider donating a large chunk of this money if/when you receive it since you do not need it.
Anon
Yes, this. And the first poster too.
You have millions now and will have many millions more later. I hope you will put millions (I mean that) toward charitable causes in the future.
Anon
Agreed.
Senior Attorney
And I hope you are donating to meaningful-to-you causes already, OP.
Anon
I left a comment on your earlier post, but the TLDR is that you’re borrowing trouble and don’t need to make any decisions util you know when and how much and what you’re dealing with.
anon
You need to talk to an estate planning attorney. Simple as that. They will be able to discuss what trust, pros and cons etc. to consider like how much control you want to have as the kids get older and estate planning for you.
Anonymous
I have a few thoughts, but not a complete answer, as I don’t think anyone but you can do that ultimately:
1. I would not tell kids about “this money.” If there is an amount you have set aside for their college, have a specific conversation with them about that number when the time comes. That number may be 100% by then if inheritance passes. But giving your kids the general notion that they will be taken care of in life is a bad move. And I say that from experience, as I was given this impression and then my mother made financial decisions with her inheritance that mean she is taken care of very well, to my benefit, but the money may be dried up in her lifetime and I am going to be on my own.
2. I think you can contemplate how you’d like to spend the $$, but you can’t start spending it until it is yours. Again, circumstances may change, and having $2mm is different from $10mm.
3. Accept any family gifts your MIL wants to give. It is nice for you and your children to benefit from the money during these years, not just “someday”, and it can be a good tax strategy, but also don’t count on it annually. People change their minds about money and she may give one year and not the next. She may become ill and not be able to make those decisions or she might become financially insecure even if she is wealthy and decide to horde the cash. But annual gifts are great.
4. Since all of this money will flow from your husband’s family, you need to be aware that he could decide at any point not to share it. I hope very much that this is not the case and you sound confident in your marriage, but that is just a cold reality. For that reason, I would be wary of stretching your budget before any inheritance has passed (e.g., a vacation home).
Senior Attorney
Amen to point no. 4. This just happened to a good friend of mine. She was married for 35 years, and their joint retirement plan was always dependent on an expected 8-figure inheritance from his family. Lo and behold, he up and left her and filed for divorce last year, leaving her with basically nothing since they didn’t bother saving for retirement on their own. In hindsight she regrets not getting a written agreement during the marriage.
Anon
Yep! You never, EVER know what’s in someone’s heart.
Signed— person whose ex husband left with no warning, shocking literally everyone
anon
Woof, that is terrible.
I worry about a friend of mine who is essentially counting on her DH inheriting a bunch of land and other investments from his dad. She admits that they haven’t saved for retirement because of this. They are 45. It is shocking to me. I, too, will likely inherit land from my parents. You best believe that I’m maxing out my 401k any chance I get!
Anon
+1 . My uncle just received an inheritance that my aunt assumed would solve their retirement issues. He is saying he wants to spend the entire thing on music equipment and a massive RV, among other things. Until the money is transferred into a joint account, it’s wholly his and she doesn’t have any say, anyway. Meanwhile, she is seriously considering divorce due to his drinking and unwillingness to look at his health.
Anonymous
Sort of happened to me. My first husband inherited a decent sum that we used as a down payment in our VHCOL area. At the time I asked him if he wanted to keep us separately etc and he was all no no it’s ours etc. A few years later we’re getting divorced and I discover he burned through most of our cash savings and I wasn’t entitled to much of the home equity since it was “his” money. Thankfully I make a decent living and am young and was able to manage fine, but going from high income high-ish net worth household to not was no fun. It took me about 2 years to save enough cash that I could breathe easy again. I still don’t own a home.
Anon
How would that agreement be legally enforceable? I thought as long as people were of sound mind, they always have the right to change their mind about what they want to do with their money, and could decide to disinherit their kids at any point.
A
I think most rich people set up trust for their kids/grandkids etc. and extra sending is from the interest.
Anon
You never plan on receiving it. Someone could remarry and leave it all to the 24 year old tennis instructor at the country club.
The trust could be not as advertised to you. Ask me how I know.
If you receive it while the kids are living at home, I would upgrade the house to something larger and more comfortable for teenagers. As kids age, they want more space (and take up more space). Also, their expenses go up: trips abroad, sports, extracurricular activities, cars. I would earmark a chunk of the rest for their college and also consider being able to gift or lend them money for a down payment (perhaps matching what they save?).
Beyond that, if the inheritance hits eight figures, you talk to a financial planner.
Anon
Maybe it is cultural, but I find it reprehensible to be writing paragraphs-long posts fantasizing about a parent’s death and how you’ll use the inheritance you don’t need.
My parents will leave me at least 8 figures, and I pretend that money doesn’t exist. I don’t think there is any reason to treat it as your own or factor it into your financial planning, especially if you don’t need it. For a vacation home?? Also you speculate multiple times ‘I think it’s over 10 million based on xyz.’ This is so, so icky to me. The amount of thought and detail put into this hypothetical which is 5-10 years out, basically salivating over the death of a loved one(s) – I really can’t. I hope my son never marries a woman like you.
roxie
lol. you sound like a WASP with a huge stick up your a$$ — Only truly rich people pretend that talking about money is bad manners. The OP was not at all salivating over a parents’ death – get a grip.
anon
I admittedly had the same reaction. You don’t plan around an inheritance, ever. And it feels really gross to me to “game out” how you’d spend your parents or ILs hard-earned money.
Anon
Especially if on a vacation home or early retirement, in my opinion. Let them use it for their own needs, like medical and eldercare, or enjoying their golden years! Invest thought in spending time with them, not in spending their money after they die.
Anon
agreed, that comment about MIL “sitting on at least $10M” just sounded…off.
Anon
I disagree. Perhaps this is a cultural thing. My parents and I speak openly about their estate, how much money likely will pass to me under various fact patterns, and how they would like to see it used. I am incredibly close to my parents, we take care of each other, and we all spend a lot of time together because we love and like each other. Their deaths will be horrific in my life. So I do not “salivate over their deaths” as you phrased it. But the practical reality is that my parents are likely going to die before I do and they probably will leave money to me. Why would we not discuss this? In my family, having these conversations is equivalent to discussing how to pay for college. Please do not make a moral or character judgment about OP simply because your way is different.
Anon
Yes, but OP isn’t talking to her family about how they’d like their estate used or even what the estate entails. She doesn’t even know what the estate is comprised of or it’s dollar-amount – the mom has clearly not discussed it with her as your family has. She is saying that she hopes to spend her inheritance on a vacation home or early retirement in the next 5-10 years, depending on FIL’s death, and writing paragraphs and paragraphs about how to best spend their money.
Anon
The situation you described is different. You’re talking to your parents about their estate, not hoping for its manifestation in the next few years. Discussing an estate is normal; treating someone’s death like the mega-millions jackpot isn’t.
anon
It sounds like you’re having a much different conversation with your parents, and that’s great! My parents have been open about how inheritance would be split between me and my siblings. And yet, none of us are factoring this into our own financial planning because it’s NOT ACTUALLY OURS.
Anon
I couldn’t put my finger on what bothered me about this post, and you explained it well.
I know people who waited for rich parents or in-laws to die. It… did not work out well. One filed for divorce a few months before her father (net worth: $20M) died, so that she could get half of the marital assets and all the inheritance to herself. Two of her kids no longer speak to her. Another never saved a cent and somehow thought that a house and a half-mil would put her on the lap of luxury for the rest of her life, and she blew through the money and now has little earning power.
anon
It’s hard enough for me to imagine managing money left from my own parents, let alone my ILs, with whom I have a good relationship. That is … so not my business? I would be livid if my DH were planning out how he’d like to jointly spend my inheritance before my parents are even dead.
Anon for this
I agree this post was a bit of a humblebrag – inheriting millions when you’re already objectively rich is not really something you need to worry about or extensively plan in advance for – but I think this is harsh. I don’t think it’s an accurate characterization to say she’s “fantasizing” or “salivating” about her in-laws dying. I’m in a similar situation (I don’t know exact numbers but have been given the impression it’s high 7 or low 8 figures) and my husband and I have talked about what we’ll do with that kind of money if we get it – because it’s important to be on the same page as your spouse about these things. It doesn’t mean I want my parents dead. I hope they live a long time and enjoy their golden years, even if it means I get much less money. But I don’t think having conversations with your spouse about how a big inheritance will impact your lives and how you’ll spend it is equivalent to wishing someone dead!
Anon
This is very, very gross.
Anon
It isn’t your money. They could run into health trouble and need to take out large amounts; they could live 20 more years and eldercare cost more than they expect. Let it be their money until it’s actually yours, and stop fantasizing about how to spend it when doing so relies on someone’s death.
Anon
Also stop fantasizing about how to spend it because it’s not yours and you can’t possibly know with certainty whether it ever will be.
Anon
My advice is to talk to a financial planner once you have the money in hand but not to do anything until then (because life happens). In your shoes, I would put a lot into Dynasty 529 plans to fund the education of grandchildren and great-grandchildren. That said, you seem to be treating this in pretty absolute terms. You do not need to either spend or save all of the money. You can use some of it for whatever will make you happier while also saving some for future generations.
As to your kids, that depends on you and your values. I did not inherit anything like that amount of money but enough that I could tell my kid that she did not need to worry about paying for her education, including graduate school. Now that she is through college and has shown that she is a responsible and hard-working person, I told her I can “help” with a down payment for our VHCOL city.
Anon
Does no one else find this type of musing about how you’ll spend someone else’s money after they die a bit disturbing? It reminds me of that Taylor Swift song about the greedy daughter in law in “Anti-Hero.” I wouldn’t be able to hope for a 5-10 year actuarial table for either of my parents at any age, and would treat their money as theirs for as long as it is.
anon
Yes! It’s freaking weird!
Anon
I didn’t see any hope for her inlaws to die. Those are her realistic expectations based on their ages. I think my dad will live for another 20 years – that’s different from hoping he dies in 20 years.
Anon
Agreed.
Anonymous
I think you should stop thinking about spending money you don’t actually have (yet) and keep going the way you are. If/when you do have the money, then you can speak to a financial advisor and decide what to do with it.
anon
I would live as if I didn’t have the money until I had the money. Because, you don’t haven’t the money until you have it. I might factor it in if the money was truly mine, but not accessible to me (like a trust that kicks in at a particular age but is otherwise not at all for anyone else).
I wouldn’t count on someone having estate tax-level assets just because they’ve expressed concern about estate taxes unless they’re particularly knowledgeable and savvy about these things. The public at large has a really poor understanding of these issues and lots of folks who are more likely to face a Medicaid spend-down than estate taxes think that the big bad estate taxman is coming for them.
Anon
This, and states have their own estate taxes. Massachusetts used to kick in at $1M in total assets, and that includes the house. It’s now up to $2M.
Plus she could have misspoken and meant something else. Or have some misconceptions about the law.
Cat
I would stop counting my chickens, pretend this money doesn’t exist, and if it materializes then decide what to do.
Anonymous
you don’t plan for it … it’s going to be a windfall if all goes the way you think it will, but your MIL could end up in a private care facility, she could remarry (read the nyt story about how dementia affects inheritance, plus you could be disinherited or she could decide to give “millions” to charity the way some people are telling you to do) — also you probably won’t see anything until MIL dies unless FIL is bypassing spouse for some assets. if she’s 79 she could easily live another 20 years.
live on your own means. possibly set up a trust for the kids right now, particularly if one of them is special needs, so you have it in place in case of catastrophe (such as you, husband, and MIL all dying in the same car crash). my understanding is that some trusts need to be set up while both parents are alive – plus then assets can be held by the trust.
that story: https://www.nytimes.com/2023/05/09/magazine/dementia-mother.html
Anon
The envy that people are showing in their responses to this thread is shocking to me.
Anon
I don’t think it’s envy. I’m in a better financial position than OP, with a larger estate to be inherited, and I find this whole thing in very bad taste.
Anon
I don’t see envy except in the post at the top (and some responses) that say it explicitly.
Having a negative feeling about someone planning to use an inheritance that might be decades away isn’t envy, necessarily! I hate when people classify any negative reaction as something “bad” like that.
Anon
It’s part of the human condition, and it’s ok to talk about. You feel envy too, but you also apparently like looking down your nose at people more.
PLB
Thiiiiiisssssss!
Anon
Don’t count on anything.
My mom told me she was giving me one of her three houses. She left it empty for a year, despite me asking to manage tenants for her. She’s then sold it and when I asked abour what she had said earlier, she then said she would give me the sale proceeds. It sold and I never saw a penny.
Anon for this
We’re in a similar situation to you, although we only have one kid and the inheritance is probably less of a guarantee (my parents are still early 70s, so there’s a lot of time for them to need the money for health stuff).
We don’t plan to change our lifestyle hugely, and a lot of the money will no doubt go to our kid and potential future grandkids, but I’d like to buy a vacation home (something modest, likely in the $500k range in current dollars) and I will probably leave my job. We don’t really need my salary currently, but I don’t like the idea of being financially dependent on a spouse who could die or divorce me, but once I have the inheritance it will be a different story. We don’t see any of this as near-term stuff though. We’re nearly 40 and my mom in particular could easily live another 20-25 years, so it’s very possible none of this happens until we’re well into our 60s and basically at a normal retirement age ourselves.
Anonymous
I commented above, but one other thought:
Encourage your MIL to enjoy her life and her $$. At her age, in good health, she could likely still travel, start a new hobby, join a country club, hire a chef, buy a luxury car, charter a boat, start hosting elaborate parties, or even become an influential philanthropist with a large charitable trust.
Anonymous
OP, I hope you are still reading! I am in a similar situation, but I’m the person that is likely to leave a multi-million dollar estate to my heirs. I have an estate plan which has been shared with them. They know nothing is guaranteed, but I think it’s important for them to understand what they may need to manage. My financial advisor and my estate attorney agreed that based on their experience, it’s better for people to know and plan. This also gave me the opportunity to clearly explain my intent to my heirs. Things change, and it was important to me to communicate what I want. I hope they are thinking what they will do if and when they inherit, and also thinking about their own tax situations. You should be thinking about these things!
My advice is to find a fee based certified financial planner. A good one can help you not only manage the money (it seems like the 2 million trust is coming regardless), but how to think about the money you have — and the money you don’t, at least yet. They will likely advise that you don’t do anything differently now, but you should be thinking about what you and your family will do if and when the money appears. They will also be able to unemotionally try to make sure that neither spouse is left at risk from some of the horror stories here.
You may receive a wonderful gift which comes with a responsibility to ensure it’s managed well to benefit the things and people you care about. Its a good thing to think about in advance, get professional financial help as needed, and remember even when you receive the inheritance, you still have time.
Anon
You do not have a problem. You have the opposite of problems. Why you posted here other than to gloat/brag is beyond me.
Wildkitten
Is there a non-scam way to clean up my credit reports? I used to check them yearly but stopped in the pandemic and it’s on my to do list of re-emerging into adulthood. <3
Anon
Credit Karma is a good place to see them.
Anonymous
Each credit bureau is supposed to give you one free report yearly. If there are mistakes you can dispute them.
A
I feel like a granny asking this question but here goes…
Where do I buy cotton night dresses ? I prefer woven cotton, not the stretchy type.
Secondly, I need one silk slip, thigh length to wear under some unlined dresses. Who makes this stuff?
Thanks a lot!
Anon
Vermont Country Store?
Anon
This right here.
Anonymous
Kohls, JC Penny, lands end maybe? I’ve found them at LLbean before.
Mantra Magic
I don’t know about cotton night dresses but Quince sells silk slip dresses which I think you can actually wear as slips if you wanted to.
NYNY
This! I posted a while back floating this idea and forgot to report back on it. I ordered a slip dress from Quince to wear as a slip and it’s perfect. Nice shaping, nice fabric, and the straps adjust.
anon
Petite Plume has some woven cotton nightgowns.
Cat
Lake PJs sells some – look for the Poplin fabric vs. the Pima.
https://lakepajamas.com/collections/nightgowns
Senior Attorney
If you can deal with the cutesy prints (which I happen to love since they were all the rage when I was in college), Lanz of Salzburg has nice lightweight cotton nightgowns in addition to the classic flannel versions.
OOO
I got my cotton night dresses from Hanna Anderson
Anonymous
My favorite sleep top is a Gap Factory cotton gauze tank that was not marketed as PJs. You might look for an inexpensive gauze sundress, especially as we start seeing spring/summer clothes.
Anonymous
i think printfresh has cotton nighties… if you search for “crisp cotton nightgowns” or “cotton poplin nightgowns” you’ll come up with more.
https://printfresh.com/products/unicorns-garden-pintuck-nightgown-indigo
https://lakepajamas.com/products/grass-amelia-nightgown?variant=40247067017306
Anon
Haven
Hanro
Anon
Eileen West!
Anon
https://www.eileenwest.com/collections/sc-eileen-west-gowns?gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAiA-vOsBhAAEiwAIWR0TZ2bFoQtwE_05V5yrTnC9lTi4GEpRFVKcybGCxfbkDQcAFErD_jflBoCUTAQAvD_BwE
There used to be an Eileen West outlet store in Pacific Heights in SF. Her nightgowns are so, so pretty.
Pompom
Printfresh is delightful. I just re-pajama-ed to almost exclusively pf
Slip
I bought a slip at boscovs online recently. they have varying lengths and sizes. the website had better selection than the store.
Anonymous
I just cannot with the giant stiff wide boots that look like you got your foot stuck in a bucket. Was that really the only way that manufacturers could think of to differentiate this year’s boots from previous years’ so we’d all feel out of date and have to buy new ones?
Anonymous
How would anyone make any money otherwise?
PolyD
Right? I don’t understand the super wide leg with no demarcation between the leg and the foot.
The bone right above my ankle is very narrow, although my calves are regular size, and I always hated how baggy the ankles of knee high boots were on me. So I don’t understand deliberately going for that look. Anon above is right – these boots look like wearing a bucket.
I’m sticking with my old, out of fashion boots!
anon
Besides, boots are usually expensive! I want to wear them for as long as possible.
Anonymous
I like it. It feels fresh to me.
Anon
I have a pair of Aquatalia boots that are 8 years old and in fantastic condition. I DGAF if they are “dated”; they are dated when they no longer look clean and polished.
Makeup Help
Thanks for responses on AM thread. Follow up here.
How do you apply your liquids, blush and eye shadows? Do you have a brush or two for each “category”? Wash it daily? I find liquid brushes get really caked up but then how often are you washing it? Eye shadow and blush – do you wash between changing colors? One color per brush per day -like a dark shadow gets a single brush but a highlighter gets another so colors dont mix or do you use the same and shake out the first color?
Really not trying to overthink this but I think part of my issue is I’ve never had a system for this stuff that’s really worked for me! Ready to make an investment and do it right.
anon
You’re overthinking it. I use the same 2 brushes for eye shadow every day. If it’s really caked with color, I’ll wipe it off with a Kleenex before doing the next color. I have one blush brush. I use a beauty blender for my liquid stuff. I wash them as needed, usually every 1-2 weeks.
Anon
Short answer is if you’re doing a full face of makeup every day, you’ll need a lot of brushes. I use a Beauty Blender knockoff for foundation/concealer. It’s much easier to wash than a brush. When I used to wear powder eyeshadows I used double-ended eyeshadow brushes so I would use dark colours on one end and light colours on the other. And then you might like to have an extra brush for blending or another for doing the crease. But now I just use eyeshadow crayons like Laura Mercier so no brushes required. I have separate blush and highlighter brushes. I’m definitely not washing them after every use or between changing colours! That’s silly.
Anon
This video should help:) She is one of my favorites – I’ve been watching her for a decade!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V9anpbrdosA&t=1s
anon
I wash my beauty blender and makeup sponges in the shower with me every couple of days. It’s easy and mess free (and gives me a reason to stay in the nice shower a little longer).
Anonymous
I have a little silicone mat with little knobs and grooves to wash my brushes. I wash dry stuff brushes less often than wet stuff brushes.
To wash I wet the brush, add some cheap cleanser gel, swirl the brush over the grooves, rinse and swirl under running water, pat dry in a face cloth and then set to dry fully overnight.
Anon
I use brushes for everything, a different bush for each product. I use the brush spray cleaner from Sephora every day. I usually just stick them back in the jar they live in (like flowers) until I wash my face that night, then I spray clean any brushes I used with creams or any dark colored powders when I wash my face at night. You spray the brush fibers and wipe them on a piece of paper (I use TP) until no more color comes off. I don’t like dirty brushes. Once every few weekends I give them the full shampoo, but the spray brush cleaner keeps them pretty nice in between.
There’s one blush brush and one eyeshadow brush I don’t always fully spray clean, but I do wipe them on the paper when I’m done with the cream brushes. I am a little more lax about those two because I use the same colors with them every day.
Anonymous
Need advice. My husband is annoyed with me. We had talked about vacationing at a resort in New Jersey with a pool complex that seemed family friendly. The whole idea was that they had golf and my eight year old loves to golf. I also have a three year old. Initially we had thought about going in the summer and it seemed fine to hang out with our daughter at the big pool while they golfed but now my husband wants to go for spring break and it’s going to be too cold for anything but the indoor pool. My husband says I’m being a jerk for not wanting to let my son golf but spending 5 or more hours a day in a room or an indoor pool with a three year old seems pretty terrible. I should add that my son and husband golf together every weekend weather permitting so it’s not like he never gets to go. Am I wrong to want to go somewhere where hanging out with the toddler is at least somewhat fun?
Anon
No, you are not wrong. Your husband is being a jerk.
OOO
Wouldn’t it be too cold to golf in New Jersey during spring break?
OOO
And you are not wrong for not wanting to spend your spring break vacation in NJ. Can you go to a golf resort in Florida or is that not an option?
Anonymous
Op here. Swimming cold and golfing cold are pretty different. My boys golf on mild winter days here in New York.
Anonymous
Yeah, but you aren’t paying for a hotel for them to golf in gross weather at home.
Anonymous
+1 – the weather in the spring in the NY area is really unpredictable. Unless your break is in May this is a bad plan.
Anon
I’m from NJ and wouldn’t want to spend spring break here. It usually feels like damp gray winter. Ugh. Go to Hilton Head or somewhere like that to golf, but even then it may be too cold for the pool outside.
Anon
I doubt it – I live in the Midwest and know men who golf here pretty much year-round. Whenever there’s not snow on the ground, which there’s unlikely to be in NJ in March/April.
Anon
you are not wrong. if they want to go on a father son trip there and you can go some place else with your daughter then fine, this does not sound fun as a family vacation
Cat
wtf no, if you want a golf + pool or beach vacation in March or April you take the family to Jamaica
roxie
you are clearly not wrong but you know that. the problem is your husband is a selfish jerk – we can’t solve that problem for you.
Anon
Not at all. Your husband is being selfish. Playing golf (an activity he seems to enjoy) is wildly different than childcare on your own for a toddler. If you’re the one taking on the childcare aspect of the vacation while he is free to do a hobby he enjoys, you get a say in what that looks like. Also – he can commit to going in the summer if he wants this resort.
Does he often make you feel guilty for having any needs or expressing your wants? If so, have a conversation about that. He is trying to act like him getting his way 100% is the default, and you requesting even 30% input is aggravating. He needs to understand that compromise is necessary for a relationship and to not guilt trip you for having any opinion or preference that differs from his.
Anon
Plus, doesn’t he want to spend time with his daughter? Does he always favor the boy?
anon
Your husband is being annoying.
Anon
That sounds like a terrible vacation. Why can’t you go somewhere warmer over spring break?
Anon
Also, your husband needs to lower his expectations: an eight year old is not going to want to golf all day every day on vacation. That’s a lot for a kid.
Anonymous
Op here. My eight old loves golf so for three out of the four days he’ll probably want to play 18. Part of the reason my husband insists on taking him near constantly is how much he really loves it but also how unusual his love of it is. I think my husband enjoys the attention because the kiddo plays like a little adult and enjoys it so much and everyone he meets is usually surprised and delighted.
Give me a few years and my daughter and I will hopefully hit the spa and go shopping when we’re not joining them but right now it’s just a ton of childcare on me.
Cat
What I would say to my husband here- “this family vacation needs to be fun for all of us, and being stuck in the chlorine air of an indoor pool is not for me”
Anon
The gender dynamics of this seem so gross to me.
Anon
Yeah it’s icky.
roxie
seriously disgusting. OP’s son gets ample time and attention to be good at a sport and her hopes for her daughter are shopping and spas. WTF.
Trish
She was asking about the fairness of the vacation plans. She wasn’t asking your gross nosey opinion about what she wants to do with her daughter. It is none of your business. If DD wants to play golf, I am sure she will get golf clubs, FFS.
Anonymous
Op. I think you folks are being unkind here. I’m happy to take my daughter golfing with the boys. I wrote that. My own mom was and is not a spa or shopping lady but those are my personal interests on vacation and unless I get another golf obsessed kid I’m hoping she shares them. I’m all for gender equality but I’m not disgusting for liking things that are female coded and hoping I can share them with my daughter. That’s a really unfair take. I’ve tried shopping and pedicures with my son; he was not a fan. My kid just lives for golf and I’ll be the reluctant fourth if my little one does too but so far she’s not showing the bizarre interest he did even at three. Being called gross and disgusting was an incredibly hurtful thing this evening.
Anonymous
Same. I’m also the parent of one boy and one girl, but my husband and I try to ensure one-on-one time with both of them. I would be really upset if he thought it should just be him + son and me + daughter!
Anon
It’s their lives and they can do what they want, but hoping that the three year old girl likes the spa and shopping seems, ughhhh.
It has taken my mom until her retirement to handle the fact that my ideal vacation is more likely to result in me losing a toenail in a marathon than getting them painted in a spa.
Anonymous
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with liking spas and shopping and hoping a kid shares that interest (although just fyi that it will be a long time before you can take a 3 year old to a resort spa! The ones I’ve been to have an age minimum of like 16…), but something about the “mom gets the girl, dad gets the boy” is very off-putting to me. I have one boy and one girl and have separate things I like to do with each of them, and same for my husband. Fwiw, this criticism is as much or more about your husband than it is about you. It seems like he’s really favoring the boy child because of the shared golf interest and that’s pretty gross to me. Doesn’t he want to see his daughter at all? And I mean, I get it, 3 year olds are not as easy or interesting as 8 year olds, but it’s still not ok for him to just leave you with the girl all day while he hangs out with his son.
Trish
Hey, you. At 9:12. Your awful comment isn’t better because you decided to say that your concern is OP’s husband and not her. SHE DIDN’T ASK ABOUT HOW TO PARENT.
Anon
Trish you’re taking this way too personally. People always weigh in on things that aren’t precisely the question that OP asked. The gender dynamics are extremely relevant to the issue OP asked about (her being left alone all day with the 3 year old). It’s not like it’s a total off-topic comment about her parenting.
Anon
Gosh there’s a lot to unpack here – not a great dynamic for your husband to be “encouraging” your son into hobbies that make dad feel good about himself. And not great for your husband to not understand the difference between him getting to do a hobby activity with a focused 8 year old while you wrangle a three year old solo.
Anon
Yeahhhh
Anon
Coming from the perspective of the spouse who has family vacations revolve around her sport (road racing): your husband is being a jerk. Vacation is fun for the whole family and the athlete needs to be flexible to ensure that everyone else’s needs are getting met.
Anon
Family vacations are for families. So it needs to work for all of you. I
Anon for this
You’re not wrong. 3 was my most hated kid age, and I would not have signed up for any vacation that had me alone with a 3 year old for the better part of the day while my spouse got to hang out with the fun 8 year old.
What about Caribbean resorts with both kids club and golf? Then you could be solo for a chunk of the golfing time. But check the fine print carefully – only some kids club start at age 3. Age 4 is more common.
Anonymous
I don’t understand wasn’t the original plan hanging out with your toddler at the pool? Crystal Springs is a fun family trip I’d go.
Anonymous
Op. Yeah I guess that was the question. Husband thinks the indoor pool is the same as the outdoor one. I see these as vastly different and the indoor pool seems like a bummer. In my defense it also means less outdoor time with the 3 year old bc the weather will be crummy.
Anonymous
Myrtle beach would be a much better option at that time of year. Or any of a number of places in FL.
Also I think it’s pretty unfair to make one parent deal with the toddler the whole time and spend no time with the older child. I think you and your son should get some time to do something together too.
Anonie
Why does it have to be this particular golf resort? Since the criteria for the summer trip were “Fun golf for the boys, fun pool for the girls,” find a resort that also meets those criteria for Spring Break, which it sounds like this place doesn’t (since the indoor pool isn’t sufficient). Your husband’s point about you being selfish by not letting the 8 YO golf, and your point that they golf every weekend are both irrelevant – there’s no reason they can’t golf somewhere else?
Anon
Script:
“Honey, a family vacation needs to be a vacation for the entire family.”
If he can’t understand that, he’s an idiot, or else he just doesn’t care, in which case, he’s a jerk.
Anon
The outdoor pool at Crystal Springs is heated and the indoor one is nicer anyways. You can swim outside when it’s cold. :)
Anonymous
Following up from a morning thread: How on earth would HRT help you lose weight? The Pill and Mirena both made me gain a ton, so I don’t understand why HRT wouldn’t do the same.
anon
I had the same question.
Anonymous
So estrogen actually helps you burn calories. Essentially your body making and using estrogen burns the equivalent of 200 calories a day (roughly), so menopause (getting rid of estrogen) or peri (where the levels bounce) means you’re not metabolizing as much. Hence weight gain without doing anything else differently.
anon
Well, sh!t. This does explain a few things.
Lifer
Also sleep is often disrupted in perimenopausr and after due to hot flashes and multiple other reasons. Poor sleep iften is associated with weight gain. Also mood instability can happen with perimenopausr and can after weight.
NYNY
Totally anecdotal, but without changing her diet or exercise, a friend of mine dropped about 6 lbs in under a month after starting HRT. I think the difference is that your metabolism needs the estrogen. She had labs done before she started and said her estrogen was basically zero.
Another possible factor is sleep, which has been shown to impact metabolism. If you aren’t sleeping because of hot flashes and the HRT stops them, that might be the trigger for weight loss.
Anon
Contraceptive hormones are trying to shut down fertility, so they can come with some weird symptoms (I always got morning sickness on them, lucky me, in addition to weight gain). They also usually use progestin instead of progesterone
HRT doesn’t need to shut down fertility and can use so-called bioidenticals if a patient wants them. So I think it can be a better experience.
Anon
The Pill makes you think you are pregnant, so it makes sense that it would cause weight gain in some women.
anon
I hoped HRT would help me lose some menopause-related weight, but it hasn’t at all. I’ve been taking it for about a year. Hope others have a better outcome.
anon
Are any of your other menopausal symptoms improved? Which ones?
I am hoping to start it soon. I am on a trial of Veozah now for hot flashes, and it is not the solution (and is unaffordable anyway).
NaoNao
I started on HRT about 3-4 months ago and it’s been LIFECHANGING in a good way. Things it improved:
Overall mood–much less crabby and anxious
Gardening time much less painful, overall more comfortable
Very slight weight loss–mostly in the mid-section
Hot flashes gone
Night sweats gone
Brain fog improved
Skin fragility improved–this is minor but I’ve noticed an improvement in my overall skin elasticity and tone
My body and mood just feel more balanced, in a way that’s hard to pinpoint or articulate but it’s wonderful
Anonymous
How many of you have close friends who are much smarter than you? Or how many of you feel/know that your friend(s) is intellectually at a different level than you? (But you don’t feel bad about it?) I’m talking about the “wow!” Or “aha!” moments of realization, maybe they say something that changes how you think, or you know they could do your job with your training but you doubt you could do theirs even with school or training. How did you find these folks?
Anon
This is my college roommate. For example, when we were college juniors, she was studying for MCAT and I was studying for LSAT. My scores weren’t great; she randomly decided to take an online sample practice test and got a fantastic score. She was National Merit, she’s a very fast reader of complex information, and she always flew through school. But if you just met her for coffee, she’s a super normal woman who has a job, is married, has kids, etc. Our personalities are very similar. She is just smarter.
My mom was far more intellectual than anyone else I know outside of professors – widely read, spoke several languages, etc. I’m afraid I didn’t appreciate just how smart she was until after she died and I started combing through her books and notes. That said, she couldn’t organize her way out of a box and was never on time – two skills I do have!
Wildkitten
I hang out with them at my corner bar.
Anonymous
OMG. The collective talent and intellect I find at my local bars is astonishing.
Anon
Why do I feel like you’re hanging out with Cliff Clavin?!?
Wildkitten
I live in an affordable neighborhood between two world-class universities. Tenured professors and artists who dropped out of middle school to paint. It’s the very best.
Anonymous
I am the poster above and I met Cliff Clavin at my local and dated him for a while! Also artists of all kinds, including one with work hanging in prestigious museums, guys with Grammys, and people destines for greatness finding their way.
Anony
I met a friend like this through my son’s daycare (our kids are friends). She is so brilliant and I learn something every time we talk.
BB or CC cream recs?
I love a full face for court and going out so I always wear Estee Lauder doublewear fresco. I am realizing that I would like less coverage for WFH or running errands. Any recs?
anon
The Loreal true match foundation has fit this purpose for me. BB and CC creams look like literally nothing on me; I swear my skin just absorbs them. But the true match is lighter than Double Wear while still evening out my complexion.
Anon
I like to mix foundation with face lotion for this purpose. I still put on my normal morning layers, including lotion / moisturizer by itself. But then I cut the foundation with half of my moisturizer.
Anon
Dr Jart premium BB cream.
Family Reunion Help
I am helping my uncles (our family elders) plan our first family reunion. It will be in Chicago over an extended weekend in July. None of us live in Chicago so it will be fun to explore the city. There will be around 30 of us. I think it should be super chill, everyone does what they want during the day and then we meet at a restaurant for dinner in the evening. Uncles want to reserve an event room at the hotel plus a/v for all three evenings, lord knows what sort of cringey activities and speeches they are planning. They also want to reserve a hospitality suite, which I think is a bit much for an event with 30 people. Is it typical for the whole family to chip in for these types of expenses at family reunions? I think people will be turned off if they have to contribute to these costs. I would be willing to do one cringey welcome dinner at the hotel event room but only if the uncles pay. Am I off base here?
Anon
Caveat that I’ve never been invited to or attended a family reunion, but I don’t think you’re off base. This sounds horrible to me. Your plan sounds way better.
Cat
I don’t know if there’s a normal here, but unspoken expectations are the devil. I would say to your uncles “hey before we go too far down any particular path, let’s talk budget” and also “Chicago is known for a fantastic restaurant scene – it would be fun to explore more of them rather than eating hotel food every night”. This doesn’t have to mean pricey, it could be deep dish pizza night, but you’re getting the heck out of the boring ballroom.
Anonymous
The families who are coming need to know costs, so it would be good to talk about expectations. I like the idea of the hospitality suite, so people have a place to gather, meet up for going out into the city together, or hang out together.
Anon
I actually like the hospitality suite idea: people might need or want a place to meet, gather, and shoot the breeze. Have a place for water, snacks, all that, so people don’t need to buy everything there. (I would hit Costco and load up on water, granola bars, fruit trays.)
anon
Same here. A group of 30 is going to be hard pressed to find space at a restaurant all the time, so I think it’s wise to have a central meeting spot!
Anon
With a group of that size, I would recommend private rooms at restaurants. IME, you can find places that will give you the private room for no additional cost if 30 people are ordering meals. Better food and probably cheaper than the hotel. Unfortunately, I’m not in Chicago, so I don’t have any recommendations for particular restaurants.
Anon
Honestly, a family reunion in a big city where you’re all in separate hotel rooms and all doing your own thing during the day is really different than my experience of family reunions. My family generally rents a house or adjacent houses, so there’s a lot of shared space for people to spend time together. Meals are all eaten together and daytime activities are group (young kids might all go to a movie while tweens and up go to a local amusement park, for example). For most people I know who do family reunions, the being together is the point. It sounds like that’s where your uncles are coming from.
So in that context, I think that a hospitality suite is actually a pretty good idea. It’ll create a “living room” where family can gather and socialize. I’ll also say that while their ideas for evening entertainment may be cringe, our kids’ fondest memories of family reunions are all of the ridiculous talent show we have every year, not the various attractions and activities we’ve taken them to in all the places we’ve held the reunion.
Anon
Do the hospitality suite and some DIY AV. Ask the youngest adults in the 30 person group to figure this out. It’s not actually that hard for tech saavy people. The hotel can do it, but they’re used to doing it for a crowd of thousands, not 30.
Anon
Thanking about this again – we held my mom’s 65th birthday party in a hospitality suite of a hotel. It was a surprise for her, so that’s why we needed to hold it where we did. We had about 25 people. We did have some AV, but I believe we didn’t have mics and everyone managed to hear. We did have music and a slide show. I know for sure the hotel didn’t provide any equipment, so it was a DIY job.
No one slept in the hospitality suite, which was a big hotel suite with a bed in one room, and the adjoining room doors open so that we had multiple bathrooms (there were three, one in the entryway to the living room of the suite, where the hotel had set up several tables for us), and one in each bedroom adjoining the central area. We were one floor up from the lobby so some people did go down a floor to use the lobby bathrooms, as I recall. The hotel catered appetizers and a wine and beer bar, and we brought a cake, so they helped with that, but we did not have a full catered meal due to the hotel’s limitations.
Several people came from out of town for the party, and the hotel booked them rooms on the same floor as the hospitality suite, so people came and went from the party to their own rooms, which was great for me, as I had young elementary school aged kids I needed to stick in front of a movie after about an hour and a half.
If your hotel is centrally located, it would be fun to reserve a banquet room within walking distance of the hotel, but that depends on the abilities of the guests. In the case of my mom’s party, my mom had friends who were substantially older and wouldn’t have been able to walk a block or so.
The funniest part for me is that the oldest, oldest guests were the ones who were “sneaking” out to the hotel lobby bar to buy stiffer drinks. Haha!
Wildkitten
I love the idea of a g-rated movie night suite for cousins, whether it be two hours at the hospitality suite early in the evening, or in another room (maybe older cousins) that isn’t otherwise being used at that hour, so parents can co-op childcare and kids can get cousin time.
IL
Putting aside whether it’s typical or not, that’s peak wedding/tourist season and three nights of reserving an event space with A/V at a hotel is going to be inordinately expensive. We’re talking thousands of dollars. I think you investigate what budget they are envisioning and then build an event to fit that budget instead of the other way around.
Also, I would suggest avoiding these dates: July 4th, the Nascar Chicago Street Race on July 6-7th, and Lollapalooza which is likely Aug 1-4th. These are all terrible days to visit unless you are planning to attend the events themselves.
anonshmanon
It all depends on the composition of your expected 30 people. Are half of them crotchety uncles? Do you have a bunch of kids in the mix? A hospitality suite might not be such a bad idea, if it’s big enough that kids can play in one corner, while the adults have a chat and a drink, being able to relax a little bit more than when you wrangle kids at a restaurant. Also might be cheaper to BYOB and snacks in this scenario. You could still go out to dinner and then come back to the suite after. Then everyone can hang out until they go to bed and they don’t need to travel back to the hotel late at night.
Can’t advise you with cringey activities planned by uncles. I always found they are par for the course and cringey for sure, but also something is missing when they pass and are no longer around to do it.
OP
Your last sentence gave me pause. Thank you all! I now am excited about the hospitality suite idea and asked the hotels to include them in their quotes!
Anon
If I’m coming to a family reunion I want to see my family! I’d plan one optional activity each day so people can have an easy way to be together and don’t have to do a bunch of impromptu, complicated planning. That still leaves rest of day to do your own thing and if some people don’t opt-in that’s fine. Ideas that would work well for groups:
-Chicago Architecture Foundation boat tour
-Lincoln Park Zoo
-Music venue at night
-Beach day at the Lakefront-pick a specific spot to meet up
-Walk around Pilsen to see the murals, eat tacos, and go to the Mexican cultural museum
Anonymous
We have a family reunion of 50+ people every year, and we always have a hospitality suite. At one location it was a small meeting room and in the others it has always been a bedroom suite at the hotel.
It’s key for informal gathering in between planned activities. People have a place to just hang, talk, catch up, eat snacks, etc. Typically each family contributes to the cost of the suite (divided by 15 or 20 it doesn’t end up being that much extra per family for the weekend). Then everyone volunteers to bring snacks, drinks, paper plates, etc.
Wildkitten
I’m in HUGE favor of the hospitality suite. Let the extroverts go hang in their own suite together (the hospitality suite) so the rest of everyone can take breaks to shower or nap or catch up on email without being interrupted.
Trixie
When I helped organize a family reunion, we did up a program that included some structured activities. For example, you might have “Obama Presidential Museum” as a 10 am activity, with lunch at the museum if people want. People don’t have to go, but folks really appreciated this. The hospitality suite is an excellent idea. If the hotel allows, a Costco run for beverages and snacks is a good idea. We had a pizza and salad dinner one night in our suite. Yes, people should chip for these costs, unless the uncles want to pay for it, or a few of the older or better off people. Slide shows of family photos is a great evening activity, as well as something like a round of Bingo (really!) with prizes to get people laughing. I think what you are suggesting as “do your own thing” makes it less reuniony.