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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
The traditional knee-length pencil skirts that I wore for the first 10 years of my career don’t seem to be as prevalent these days. If you like the silhouette and are looking for a more current interpretation, this midi-length number from Banana Republic is gorgeous.
For workwear with a bit of stretch to it, I always prefer a thicker fabric, like this ponte, to avoid any potential mishaps.
The skirt is $140 at Banana Republic and comes in regular sizes XXS-XXL, tall sizes S-XL, and petite sizes XXS-L. It also comes in “hyper navy blue.”
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- Neiman Marcus – Up to 30% off on new arrivals
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off entire purchase, plus free shipping no minimum
- White House Black Market – Buy more, save more; buy 3+ get an extra 50% off
Anon
I am good about wearing sunscreen daily on my face, neck, and arms. I tried mineral, which I still like for the beach (any advice about how to scrub it off? I feel like it takes days even with a vigorous application of a washcloth). But even non-mineral good sunscreens leave me looking shiny / overly dewy (and I have oily skin). I don’t want to layer on a lot of products, because that will just lead to breakouts in the summer. Is there something else to try? Or just look dewy and leave anything more for serious work events that need “work face”?
New Here
I like the SuperGoop Unseen Suncreen dupe from Trader Joes. It is like a makeup primer.
Another I like is Neutrogena Invisible Defense.
Greensleeves
I like the SuperGoop Unseen Sunscreen and use it daily. It does give a pretty matte finish and function like a makeup primer. I have not tried the Trader Joes dupe only because I don’t live close to one!
dc anon
I think climate makes a huge difference. I live in a humid climate and every sunscreen i have tried makes me look dewy, more like sweaty, bc the sweat beads up on my face. I was recently in a dry heat climate and my matte sunscreen looked great, not sweaty. Any recs for a sunscreen in humid weather?
Anon
If I’m just going into the office, I don’t wear full beach day sunscreen, I just use a powder with sunscreen in it.
Anon
This one
https://www.sephora.com/product/supergoop-re-setting-100-mineral-powder-spf-35
Anon
Does that really work though? My understanding is that it doesn’t protect adequately in its own. I walk a dog and go out at lunch and I probably get at least an hour of sun daily. Not beach-level sun, but cumulative over a lifetime.
I had SPF in my makeup then dropped it when I refreshed after COVID (needed a new headshot and the reflection was weird). Maybe if this is a good product I’d add it in to help with the slickness that sunscreen gives me. How is it as a makeup? Worth it on those grounds?
Anon
I don’t get a lot of sun at all during the workday, I work in downtown SF, it’s shady and cold and at most I dash out for a salad so it’s absolutely fine. I like it as makeup, but with the caveat that I’m lucky to have very clear skin and don’t wear much to begin with. A little powder to combat shine is all I need.
Anon
Isn’t the body supposed to get a minimum amount of sun per day? One hour of unprotected sunshine seems beneficial.
Anon
I like my daily sun on my legs. I don’t sunscreen them unless I’m at the beach or out for extended periods.
Anon
lol no, you still should wear sunscreen.
Anonymous
That’s not adequate coverage and even spf in makeup isn’t enough. You need actual sunscreen. A tan is a sign of DNA damage. Much better to avoid that damage than deal with trying to minimize discolorations and wrinkles later—trust me.
The only benefit of sun exposure is vitamin d. But some still gets through with UVA rays even with sun screen. And there are far better sources anyway.
Anon
Not sure I agree with some of the comments that there are few benefits to sun exposure. Its mood benefits alone strike me as worth the potential skin damage. I suppose everything is a trade off. I try to actively get sun on me for at least 30 minutes a day in the warmer months. Also I don’t wear makeup so am not inclined to put anything on my face except moisturizer when needed. I get that everyone picks their battles, but in terms of what we know about sun exposure, I guess I’m not convinced there is “settled science.”
Anon
Hahaha okay, sure.
Anonymous
i really like missha sun milk (pink and white bottle) from amazon – it’s a japanese sunscreen and has an almost powdery finish. there is no comparison in US sunscreens. highly recommend.
Anonymous
This mineral sunscreen has an oil-absorbing/mattifying ingredient. It is my holy grail. https://www.paulaschoice.com/resist-super-light-wrinkle-defense-spf-30
Vanessa
Makeup remover balms take sunscreen off with less scrubbing. The wipes are okay but the balms work better.
I’m allergic to chemical sunscreen so I’m experienced with the trouble removing mineral sunscreen. It’s no joke.
Anonymous
Double cleans to remove on your body just like your face. An oil based cleanser followed by regular bar soap works well.
Anon
To get off mineral sunscreen, use a balm cleanser. Apply the balm cleanser to your dry skin and rub it in, then wet your fingertips and emulsify it with a little water, then wipe it off with a wet washcloth. The balm will break down the stick of the mineral sunscreen and you’ll be able to wipe it right off.
My current favorite sunscreens are from Korea. I like the Biore Asian formula, not the one they sell directly to the US market because that one is hot garbage. I order from yes style.
Anon
You know , I said Korean but I think biore is actually Japanese . Before this one I was using all Korean sunscreens.
Sunscreens made specifically for the US market are crap because the US doesn’t allow modern sunscreen ingredients. They haven’t approved a new sunscreen ingredient in decades. the FDA regulates sunscreen as a drug, not a cosmetic.
Anonymous
I love SuperGoop SuperScreen so much that I just put it on a regular subscription. It’s a moisturizer with SPF 40 and it feels great on my normal-to-dry skin.
Condo Decorator
Does anyone know of a service that can help with “smaller” renovation (no layout changes – swapping flooring, painting, swapping out light fixtures) and decor projects? Currently own a condo in a historic neighborhood (with all of the crooked floors that entails) – planning to stay another ~3-4 years. Willing to invest in furniture / things that will outlast this place, but trying to be relatively cost conscious on things that will stay in place (lighting, etc).
It seems like too small a project for a typical interior designer, but perhaps too large for a service like havenly?
Any recommendations?
Anon
Julie Jones? She is in FB and her posts are all so good. Considering hiring her once I get some breathing room in my life and wallet.
Anon
That’s definitely something an interior designer can help with – not all design jobs are massive renovations.
Anon
We have been doing changes like this to my current house. I found interior designers to be mostly make sense larger projects (like a total renovation of a historic home) or if you really had no budget for decorating. Many stores have design services to help you talk through which of their pieces will fit your space and make sense for you, etc. Floor & Decor and most flooring stores have design services that will help you pick out flooring, etc. Ultimately, we’ve been using these types of design services and then going with a contractor to do the rest.
Anonymous
I would look up home repair groups for your city/neighborhood and ask for decorator recommendations. That kind of stuff always comes up on our neighborhood social media pages. I know in my city there are interior designers who do everything from sort of the mood board consult where they just help you choose colors to actually project manage a room refresh. Some may negotiate discounts on furniture as well.
Anonymous
Ranting into the void. I sent a colleague comments on a document in DECEMBER, he got back to me with revisions on Friday and has since followed up three times. Seriously dude? You let this thing sit for 7 months, it’s not my problem I’ve been busy the last two days for your fake urgency.
Anon
He’s trying to make it look like your fault.
Commiseration.
Anonymous
If he dares try that I’ll send his boss the email chain because the date jump from December to now is quite apparent. It’s also very poor form in my office to have tight turn arounds in July/August because that’s when most staff take annual leave.
Anokha
This is so ridiculous that it’s laughable — but, man, sorry you have to deal with this. Subjectively AND objectively infuriating.
HTX
Wow. Any chance you could forward the email thread (the whole thread) to a higher-up to “help identify someone with immediate availability to assist” since you, unfortunately, are occupied with other work? Lol
Reader I am divorcing him
Dear Ladies of the interweb, please give me your wisdom today. (TLDR – divorcing abusive alcoholic husband).
So I pressed the button (literally – you do it on a government website – who knew….) on divorce last night. There is a long path to go on the financial settlement side of things, and my husband is clearly a physical and psychological mess. The police side of things is still open – I have no idea where it is at, and to be honest I don’t want to know.
My question to those who have been there, is how did you come to terms with the fact that you had to give your ex a large sum of money in the divorce without letting it eat you up.
I literally financed all our life together for 12 years, he contributed very little, but liked to spend a lot. I’m an only child with no children, and little extended family, so knew I had to secure my future, and with admittingly some luck I worked hard to achieve that. Now I know I will be OK in the long run, but this will change things for my planned retirement, and means I may have to sell the house and move again. So I not only have to mourn the relationship that really never was, but also my future that will have to change, having started to put down new roots. I’m in the UK so pre nups are not a thing, but I am regretting some of the decisions I made in the belief that it might make us happy together. I’m hoping I can make if as financially smooth as possible, mainly so it just gets done and I can move on, and also so more money doesn’t get eaten up in lawyers’ fees, but I don’t know if he is going to be thinking rationally about it all.
Thank you again for listening (in other news I went proper wild swimming in the north of the UK last week – it was freezing and exhilarating)
Anon for this
Your happiness is worth it. Rinse and repeat.
Also, I will just share that at some point in their divorces, my friends (sample size of 3) whose divorces involved addiction were able to trade immediate cash for long term financial things. (Unfortunately, addiction is expensive and not conducive to making money…) Like, $10k in cash versus a share in retirement payout. Every one says it’s the best money they’ve spent.
Anon
I recommend this too. My retirement accounts from prior to the divorce are mine, all mine, and now that I’m close to retirement, I’m so glad I don’t have to hunt down my ex husband and share my distributions with him!
Also Anon for This
This. I labeled it a “happiness tax,” and that helped me to move on.
My ex-husband was not a spendthrift, but he was a financial drag in many other ways. (For example, he stopped doing any work around the house, and so I either had to do everything myself or hire people to do tasks, housecleaning, and the like.) Eight years after my divorce, my net worth is more than 3X what it was just after the divorced was finalized, and I have the extra satisfaction that I earned all of that money myself, either through work or through shrewd investing, and can spend it or save it in any way that I want.
Peloton
I figured I’d pay the lawyers, my therapist, and him some total amount of money, and I frankly was less annoyed by him having it than the other two (the therapist would’ve meant I was grieving and angry; the lawyers would’ve meant it all dragged out too long). I mentally framed it as my stupid tax for marrying someone I knew was not husband material, and that helped.
Ses
You bought your freedom from this mess. Every time you think of the money, it’s just what you paid to get the new life you’re now starting. You paid that money so you can have a life where you go wild swimming and come back to a home that feels safe and sane.
You had a hidden cost in your retirement that wasn’t really acknowledge – your ex’s spending habits – and you’ve now identified and solved that problem. Your retirement is *more* on track than it was before.
Anonymous
Yes this! So well put
Reader I am divorcing him
Thank you – that is so right – there are so many things that were in our ‘cashflow’ that were his, that I wished we weren’t paying for. This is a really helpful way of thinking about it.
Anon
Daaaamn this is good framing. (Currently separated/divorcing.)
Anon
I am at this same point right now in my separation/divorce and like the OP my ex’s spending habits cost so much money (even more than I realized) that once he was gone I saved so much money! This is helpful in terms of replenishing my retirement savings. I also know that I can be very frugal when necessary so I know that if I need to do that to get me to where I need to be for retirement, I can do that.
Anon
Love this.
Ano
Oooh love this!
NaoNao
“Sometimes the cheapest way to pay is with money” is a phrase that is very valuable in this situation. It’s extremely unfair, but basically you’re paying this person to get out of your life and stay there.
Ankn
Hahahah worth it!
anon
I haven’t been there, but having witnessed a few of these situations, the money is well worth it to regain your freedom and independence. You know from experience that you know how to earn and save money, and you can do it again once you’re rid of him.
Anon
It’s part of the price of peace and freedom. And you will (I hope) not be subsidizing him going forward, so it’s part of the cost of that as well.
My situation was nowhere near as bad as yours, but the $$$ out in a divorce from an emotionally abusive, lazy, cheating, toxic, low earning, high spending husband has proven to be money well spent and though I nearly had a panic attack on the day I transferred assets, I have not looked back on that with anything but relief.
No Face
In the long run, you will be better off financially. After your divorce, you can actually save and invest without him squandering everything!
An.On.
The old aphorism, why does divorce cost so much? Because it’s worth it. In your case, plugging the hole will go a long way towards making you seaworthy again.
Senior Attorney
Ha! Jinx!
Senior Attorney
Oh, I have been there! It cost me half a million dollars (and possession of the house I’d bought pre-marriage) to get our of my last marriage, and it was the best money I ver spent. Here is my favorite divorce joke:
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it’s worth it!
But yes, it seems cruelly unfair and I totally get it. I had our whole financial future planned out and it was surreal in a very bad way to see it all come apart. But really, it is SO WORTH IT to wake up every morning in a peaceful house. And if I had to work longer before retiring, and live in a small apartment for a while, that was a tradeoff I was more than happy to make. As they say, if it’s a problem money can solve, then it isn’t really a problem.
And yes times a million to “this is the price of your freedom and it’s more than worth it.”
Big hugs. You are doing great and the future is bright!
Anon
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it’s worth it!
I know that’s trite. It sucks but it’s the price of your freedom. Now you have to rebuild but at least you’ll be doing it for you – just you.
Hugs to you.
Risked Credit
It sucks but it is so worth it. You will more than make the money back. My food bill went from $2000/month in 2019 to $1200/ month in 2024. All of a sudden I have money to do stuff. I saved so much after he moved out, last year I was able to afford a $20k trip from savings from the budget. It has been an eye opening experience. I had no idea just how much he cost, ironic since all he did was go on about how frugal he was and how I was a spendthrift. I do spend money on certain things but I buy a lot less overall (I have 8 outfits for work right now but they are all expensive and high quality).
My ex husband had told everyone and anyone who will listen that I cleaned him out. He got 50% of the net assets. It isn’t my fault he doesn’t understand the basics. In the past two years he has not paid his share of child related expenses and I am extremely upset that he hasn’t paid 50% of the costs of our children.
I know in the UK its extremely unfair the way assets are divided. If you received an inheritance and used it to buy your home, yes you will lose half. That rule is so wrong and the fact that prenuptial agreements are not recognized is why I didn’t return to the UK. I had a prenuptial agreement in the US and I stuck to that like glue. The basis of divorce is equity not justice so if your ex husbands parents have not died you might want to try to argue that he shouldn’t profit from your marriage and I would check if the rules differ when there is domestic violence. I know in the US, the 50/50 split changes when there has been documented domestic violence. It is a money calculation. Do not go nuts with this if you are going to incur huge legal bills. It is far better in the long to just be shot of the loser.
Anon
Due to some lucky timing, I didn’t end up having to pay alimony in my mediated divorce. But there was a moment of reckoning when I realized that even though I’d been supporting my ex for years while he started a business, I wasn’t going to have equivalent support for my next career steps, OR what I would have considered a fair settlement for the value of that business. At the time it felt super unfair. I had a realistic option of a better result by litigating, but when I really thought about what the next year or two of my life would look like, my whole body and soul just said no. I am so glad that I stopped! I could begin the process of letting go, and being freed up actually allowed me to take advantage of some career opportunities that I probably would have missed had I been embroiled in a protracted legal battle. So with the benefit of hindsight stopping turned out to be a good decision from a business perspective as well.
Anon
I really enjoy my morning coffee but I put way too much half and half in it (and have ~3 cups a day – I drink half caff so it’s not a ton of caffeine but it’s a lot of half and half – like a disgusting amount when I think about it). I was also advised by my doctor to cut back on half and half.
I know this is a silly thing to ask for tips on cutting back, but here I am. I like my coffee the way I like it.
Has anyone cut back or eliminated it entirely?
I’m also not opposed to making coffee a less frequent treat but having it how I want. But I’m pretty darn addicted to coffee right now.
Anon
I also drink my coffee light and sweet. Have you tried using a milk frother at home? I find I drink less cream when it’s frothed. I also find oat milk an acceptable substitute in a latte, so maybe that’s an option?
Anon
I feel like my morning Diet Cokes are a thing of finishing returns. So savor the first. Maybe have a big pause before the second and see if you can ace the third? It’s not the good one. That’s the first one.
This is how I weaned down from all this while TTC and pregnant. I’m back on it now but only the first two are any good. The rest are just habit.
Anon
AXE the third. Not ace.
Anon
And diminishing returns. Clearly that first one is still being savored.
Anon
Or attack it from the 1/2 and 1/2 angle. Mix your 1/2 and 1/2 with low fat milk and aim towards making it less fatty that way. I’ve actually gotten to a point where I drink my coffee with a glug of skim and about a quarter of the sugar that I used to use. It’s taken months of going down a little, getting used to that, going down a little more, getting used to that.
Anon
This. Fat, sugar, and salt are all things that your palate adjusts to. I grew up drinking skim milk and so half and half tastes as revolting to me as I’m sure skim would to you right now. If you gradually dilute it down, you’ll eventually adjust.
Peloton
Switch to whole milk and sugar, then to 2% and less sugar, etc., until you’re at a ratio you’re comfortable with.
Anon
Luckily I hate sugar in my coffee so my issue is just half and half!
Anon
What about starting with whole milk?
Anon
I know it’s silly but it just isn’t the same. Maybe I start with a mix of whole and half and half.
Cora
I like milky coffee but find half and half to be too much so I totally get this distinction. Half whole and half half and half sounds like a good start.
Anon
what actual advice are you looking for if you need your coffee and you must have it a certain way?
Anon
Well I got the idea for half half and half and half milk here so that was helpful!
HSAL
Zero suggestions, but I’m laughing at how “half” has been used so much in this thread it no longer looks like a real word to me.
Anon
I’m with you, whole milk doesn’t cut it for hot coffee. (It does work for me in iced coffee, though, maybe because the melting ice naturally makes iced coffee more watery tasting).
I think you need to just start cutting back the amount. Clearly you like the creaminess of H&H, so start pouring gradually less as you adjust. I can get by with a splash of H&H now (a somewhat heavy splash, but probably not more than a tablespoon). Or switch to iced for subsequent cups and try whole milk there — I literally just put ice into cooled reg brew coffee, so it’s not complicated
Anonymous
You may hate this, but I really like the extra creamy oat milk (I think Planet Oat has one, and Chobani).
Anon
Yeah, I’m vegan, but my husband isn’t and he still likes the barista blend oat milks in his coffee.
Anonymous
Second this. I’m an omnivore and still prefer Oatly extra creamy in my coffee.
Anon
We used to put almond milk in our coffee and switched to oat milk. It is way creamier and much better for a milk substitute.
Anonymous
This was going to be my suggestion! I love Oatly full-fat oat milk in my iced coffee. I do half coffee, half oat milk or 3/4 coffee, half oat milk, depending on if I want something more latte-esque. Delicious.
Anon
I like how creamy oatmilk is but I find it too sweet!
Anon
I love Chobani creamers.
Loofah
Me too! It goes great in my cold brew.
Anon
There’s some things that just aren’t worth cutting out, this for me is one of them. Make a change somewhere else. You’re not describing a drug habit here.
Anonymous
+100 – you can pry my regular old 1/2 and 1/2 from my cold dead hands. The relatively minimal amount of calories this constitutes over a day is worth it to me. I’d rather cut other places. Good drip coffee with a dollop of half and half is my joy. I’d rather have it than a super sweet latte or something. I will say, maybe start measuring how much you use rather than “measuring with your heart”. I’d rather use half as much of the real thing than try and use oat milk or something (I’ve tried; it’s not worth it to me).
anon
I tend to agree with this. And rather than finding a substitute, try using less. Nothing else will give you the same creaminess that you’re craving, imho.
Anon
Agreed.
Anon
I agree with this too.
Anon
I tend to agree with this. If you look at the actual calorie counts of what people put in their made-at-home coffees, it’s not all that bad. Two tbsp of half and half is 40 calories. That, three times a day, is 120 calories. Maybe it’s 120 “empty” calories but it isn’t 400 calories (like some Starbucks drinks).
Anon
I wish I was only using 2 tbsp of half and half … it’s probably closer to 1/4 a cup. So that’s like 3/4 cup a day… not good.
Anon
Why don’t you try measuring how much you actually use and go from there?
Anon
It depends on your eating philosophy. I wouldn’t like buying it all the time, but the fat/calories are probably filling a need your body has.
Anon
Can you just cut ~200 calories and 20g of fat somewhere else?
No Face
I think this attitude combined with the frother is a winner.
Anon
For those into iced coffee or cold brew: put your cold coffee into a mason jar with ice, add milk, shake the living daylights out of it, and remove lid. The result is remarkably creamy.
anon
I was a coffee creamer addict until recently! I knew it wasn’t a good habit so I started off by measuring the amount of creamer I use with an actual tablespoon and it was eye opening to say the least. From there, once I was aware of how much I was using I cut back to 1-2 tablespoons per serving and eventually I am at the point where I am okay with black coffee or coffee with a splash of skim milk. Play around with using different types of milk (whole, almond, etc…) and see what you like. I also like to add cinnamon to my coffee for extra flavor. Now I have officially cut back to creamer in my coffee as a “treat” once a week, and even then sometimes it can be too sweet. Give your taste buds some time to adjust!
An.On.
This is my suggestion too. Start tracking what you’re putting in, so if/when you start cutting down, you’re doing it measurably and not just guessing at it.
PolyD
There’s an Instagrammer who puts her cream for the day in a cute little pitcher. Once is gone, no more cream that day.
Anon
Coffee creamer is objectively worse for us than half and half. Once again we find just using the real thing is better!
Anon
Get better quality coffee, which needs less sugar and fat to make it taste good.
Maybe do one cup of coffee a day with that delicious half and half, and the others use plain milk.
Anon
Because a major source of fat in my diet was the cream (I used whipping cream) in my coffee, I drank coffee black for nearly two years, and not a single lab marker changed, and I didn’t lose an ounce of weight.
What helped me drink black coffee for those months was much, much better coffee. I went to third wave roasters and taste sampled different single origins at “wine tasting” style “cuppings” until I found one that I liked black (for me that meant a lighter roast than what I’d use with cream).
Now I use half n half and probably a bit less than before. That’s good enough for me for now. I do drink coffee black more often than I used to (I found that some African coffees actually taste better to me without dairy since the dairy tones down the fruit).
I also went six months without any coffee at all and saw no benefit whatsoever; life is better with daily coffee for me.
Anon
I love using heavy whipping cream in my coffee. I’m pro dairy fat though, so I don’t have a mental block on this.
anon for this
Cut back on the half and half by 10 percent at a time. Just enough so that it’s meaningful, but not so stark that you feel sad when you drink it. Try it for 2 weeks, maybe 3. Then cut by another 10 percent. Repeat. And see if you could cut back to 2.5 cups overall, or even 2, rather than 3.
Once you get to a distinctly different ratio (like half the half and half you put in now), experiment with different coffee types. I focused my taste buds on trying to distinguish the chocolate or spice notes in different beans until I found one I really liked. It took about 6 months but I weaned myself off half and half entirely (lactose issue), and now just take my coffee black.
Anon
Aw! I actually buy my lattes w half and half (breve latte) instead of milk. So maybe I’m not the best person to answer, but I find cutting back doesn’t work for me. I’d just accept black coffee or cans of cold black coffee when I’m trying to cut back on trips to the coffeehouse.
Sunshine
You sound like me. I like my coffee to be about 80% coffee and 20% half and half. That’s it. No sugar. No flavors. And I drink a lot of coffee.
My trade-off is that I use whole milk at home and get half and half when I go to Starbucks once or twice a week. The half and half is better, but whole milk is good and I’m happy with this system. I think skim milk is trash and 2% milk is a step above trash.
I tried several of the non-dairy substitutions, and I found them unfulfilling. I have read some health-related concerns about going with oat milk regularly (which I do not remember and may have been years ago so old – it’s a tickle in my brain), so I’d do a little research before making any switch there.
Anon
Yes we are the same! Way too much half and half but absolutely no sugar, flavors, or anything like that. Plain coffee + half and half!
I like your idea of switching to
Milk but using half and half as a treat a few times a week. Maybe weekend mornings when I have time to savor my coffee on my porch!
Anon
I would start with subbing in half whole milk, then perhaps you can get down to 3/4 milk and 1/2 half and half (which is basically what I do). I also think the idea of cutting out the third cup entirely is a good suggestion. Maybe try having a cup of tea when you would otherwise have the third cup?
Kacy
Try the fat free half and half. I can’t tell the difference in my coffee.
Anon
Oh I can totally tell the difference! I also generally avoid unnaturally fat free things – I’d rather have the real ingredients with fat than whatever they’re using to make something fat free …
Anon
Agree! I don’t even know what fat free half and half is. The fat is the part that makes it good. Honestly I only drink my coffee with the full fat dairy or black. The substitute options are so unappealing.
Anon
Same. Here are the ingredients from the Kroger brand of fat free half and half:
“Skim Milk, Milk*, Corn Syrup, Titanium Dioxide** (for color), Mono and Diglycerides, Carrageenan, Natural Flavor, Vitamin A Palmitate**. *Adds a trivial amount of fat. **An ingredient not normally found in Half and Half.”
The ingredients in their real half and half? “Milk and cream.”
Anon
Well, start by using whole milk instead of half and half.
Anon
I too am trying to cut back on my half and half use. To do this, I use about half of a nut milk and half half & half, then blend with a frother. This works very well for cutting down on the H&H.
Anon
Haven’t gone through all the comments yet, but when I had to cut back on coffee — I bought a physically smaller cup. It reduced my consumption without changing my habit. In your case, you can still make the coffee the way you want it – you’ll just be drinking less in a sitting.
Anon
How much is a disgusting amount? Have you measured it? I use the serving size on the carton. It gets my coffee or tea to a nice creamy consistency and I don’t need more. Try using a measuring spoon.
A serving size of standard half and half is one tablespoon. It’s about 20 calories. Are you really sure you should be beating yourself up about even twice that amount?
Anonymous
I eliminated mine entirely because I became lactose intolerant. There was a very physical response to having dairy that had to change. Yes it doesn’t taste as good etc in the process but nearly 10 years later I usually only get oat milk at all when I get coffee out. I personally think it or coconut milk are the best from a taste perspective but if you just want to do regular milk, just slowly substitute some amount of the half and half with milk over time.
anon
IMHO, the best advice of all the above is to get better coffee. A lighter roast will have less bitterness. Stumptown is by far my favorite- absolutely the only coffee I can drink black.
Anonymous
Have you tried steamed milk as a substitute? Cold milk in coffee does not taste very appealing to me – but steamed or even just warmed, it’s so much better.
Anonymous
If you want to switch to whole milk, try making some English breakfast tea with a dash of milk as some of your caffeinated drinks. Tea is disgusting with cream, so milk is the tastier version, this could help you switch dairy tastes.
I can’t see anything wrong with keeping enjoying your cream with coffee in it, though. Cream is a great source of good fats, and a whole food.
Runcible Spoon
When I was studying abroad in England many years ago, we discovered shelf-stable (irradiated) milk, in the cartons, and also discovered that when frothed with rotary (manual) egg beaters, it creates a lovely substitute for hot steamed whole milk or cream to top coffees. This could br worth a try, although I am not sure where you might find this type of milk (it’s not radioactive, although it is preserved via an irradiation process, which is safe, but sounds scary to may consumers in the United States).
DB Cooper
They have it at your local dollar store (that has some groceries)! Great to keep in the house in case of emergency to still have *some* milk, though it’s obviously not the same as a refrigerated gallon. Can get you through breakfast the first morning back from a trip, before you have time to restock the regular stuff.
Anon
UHT milk is sold in pretty much every grocery store in the US. They put it in the refrigerated section because Americans are uncomfortable with room temperature milk, but it’s completely shelf stable and you don’t need to put it in the fridge.
Trixie
There is a thing called fat free half and half, and it is pretty good. It will cut back your calories, but gie you that “full fat” feeling.
Anon
I don’t know if this is any better for you, but I recently had an iced coffee with foamed coconut milk on the top and it was delicious – only needed a little to give a really rich and creamy feeling
Failed Cat Adopter OP
I wish I had more time to say thank you properly to some of you last week who offered advice on bonding, food, treats, vets, post-spay care, etc. It helped a lot.
Cat is doing better. She will eat now but only if I stay in the room with her for several hours. The past week has revealed that I almost certainly over-estimated her age. She was listed at three different ages on her paperwork, and I guessed the oldest (one year) because she was the same size as my last cat was as an adult and because she was so calm and chill in her cage. But her demeanor was probably dictated by the fact that she was less than a day post-spay when I first met her… not that I knew that at the time.
She needs five or six hours of concentrated, undivided attention and play per day. Of course she does; she’s a kitten who has been branded by Rescue as “not suitable for other cats” even though she’s actually a poster child for “this is why we adopt kittens in pairs.” I don’t have five or six hours per day to spare, and I believe more than ever that she belongs in a household where she has a choice of companions rather than one person who really does have to go to work sometimes. (Her crying and hysteria when I had to go in-office yesterday was… not good for anyone.)
I have petitioned to return her to Rescue so she can find a more suitable home. Rescue does not have a trial period or allow automatic surrenders; you need to fill out an application and wait a week. I expect that they will end up taking her back for all that because she is very adoptable for a decent donation/fee since she’s young and healthy. Presumably Rescue’s reason for its policy is that like a lot of no-kill rescues they need to be sure not to fill up their space with animals who can’t be rehomed.
I still take responsibility for my role in this fiasco, but I also feel like I was set up to fail by Rescue. She never should have been on the adoption block so soon after major surgery. It added to her stress, it made my chances of making the right personality match on one meeting even worse than it already was, and my lack of medical information could have had much worse ramifications than it did.
There were some comments the other day that she deserves a loving home, not just a responsible one. That’s true. But while I still can’t seem to love her, I feel like I’m the only human in this equation who has acted remotely responsibly, and responsibility matters too.
Anon
You have and you’re doing the right thing. Ignore the haters.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
Agreed! And I do think you can and should get another cat if you want one. Just from a different rescue and an adult aloof floof.
Sending good vibes.
Anon
Completely agree with this, don’t let people make you think you shouldn’t have a cat. You’re more than loving and responsible and doing the right thing.
Anonymous
+1. We adopt adult cats from the shelter; you can tell what their personalities are. We loved a guy who threw himself into our lap. A more stand of fish cat sounds perfect for you.
Anon
I agree, the rescue definitely put you and the cat in a bad position.
anon
Same. I feel for you; sometimes an animal adoption just doesn’t work out. It can be gut wrenching.
Anon
Hug. The anonymous haters were way out of line.
ALT
Thank you for the follow up! I’m sorry it didn’t work out but you’re doing what’s best for you and the cat. Please don’t let this deter you from adopting another cat—there’s one out there who is perfect for you!
I’d also bring the post-spay adoption up with the rescue—that’s something that needs to be addressed with them as it’s not good for the cat or adopter. And maybe look at a different rescue for another cat!
anon
Hugs, OP. I’m glad you gave it a little longer to see if she would settle, and it sounds like returning her is the right decision. I wanted a chill adult cat and originally was told my cat was two (just small) – the day I went to pick her up they said she was ten months, which is pretty much the cusp of kittenhood to teenage cat. I was lucky she’s playful but not with that endless energy so it worked out, but taking care of kittens is a lot of work and it’s fine that that’s not what you wanted. I agree the rescue is the problem here and despite some of the harsher comments you got the other day I hope you might consider again adopting when this experience is behind you.
Cat
Sounds to me like you did your best in a very difficult situation!
KS IT Chick
You did everything right. You were misled by the rescue. You were told you were getting an adult cat that needed to be an only pet. You were given a newly spayed older kitten who needs a lot of attention and interaction. I can’t imagine what they were thinking.
You have really done the loving thing in looking at her needs and not just assuming she will figure out how to adjust to your situation.
Loofah
+1. I’m so sorry this has been a cruddy experience, OP.
HTX
I’m glad to hear that you and the cat are doing better physically and mentally. I’m sorry that you two are not a match.
When you start to look for another cat, I recommend seeking an adult cat that has settled into a foster home, was already altered, and has fully recovered from any medical issues. This will help you to ensure that the cat is a good match for your personality and lifestyle. I foster dogs and can attest to how much a dog’s true demeanor can differ from how it behaves in a shelter. Shelters are often loud, chaotic environments that provide residents less interaction with humans and appropriate pet playmates than they would get in a home. An animal who appears to be “low energy” or a “loner” in a shelter may actually be a playful, social butterfly who was simply sleep deprived, shut down, and avoiding other animals because it was rough housed too much in its play group. It typically takes me three or four weeks to get a true read on a foster’s demeanor if it is a healthy, altered adult. Medical issues and spaying/neutering all add to that timeline because they can profoundly affect a pet’s demeanor. And all bets are off if the pet is an adolescent or younger. So much can change as a pet matures.
Anon
I admit I was judgmental of you but that sounds like A LOT.
I do hope you’ll consider adopting another kitty though…try an older one, they are more chill.
Anonymous
I think you are right that you were put in a bad situation. Some animals just don’t work out for a particular life situation. Based on all of your comments, my recommendation is that should you want to try adopting a cat again is to find another rescue but also focus on senior cats. You are right that kittens are a lot of energy. I WFH and wouldn’t adopt a kitten for that very reason. But my senior cat is very chill because he is in a different life stage. There still is some separation anxiety because I am here most of the time. But he gets over it and is fine when I have to go out of town with a regular pet sitter. And if I had to go into an office regularly he would adapt. This is really traumatic but I hope you don’t let it discourage you from finding your right pet.
Anon
This update gives me a much better picture of the situation and I’m sorry you’re going through it. I once returned a cat because after getting him home it became clear that he needed multiple litter boxes so he could always have a clean one, and I did not have the space to accommodate that, as well as not being able to be home during the day to scoop his business immediately. I think he was with me for about a week before I finally realized it was not going to work. He found a home with space and multiple people to care for his needs and I ended up finding a stray who is now the light of my life.
Anon
It’s common with rescues to do the spay/neuter at the time of adoption and then have the animal sent to the new owner for aftercare. I don’t know why people are saying that was unusual or irresponsible. The shelters are extremely over capacity and do what they can with the resources available.
Anon
Neuter. yes. Spay, no. They need recovery time and relocation to a new home adds to stress and makes veterinary follow up more complicated. Rescues also =/= shelters.
HTX
Posting again to correct an apparent nesting fail.
I agree that pets often go shelter->picked for adoption->surgery->recover with adopter or shelter->tagged by rescue->surgery->recover with adopter placed by the rescue. However, in this instance, the cat was already in a foster home with the rescue before it was spayed. In my rescue fostering experience, pets are usually altered before or during their time with me and then put up for adoption after they’ve recovered.
Anon
Ugh I just completely lost it in a meeting with my manager. My mental health has been majorly struggling the last few months and she brought up that I haven’t seemed like myself (although my job performance is still good) and I Just burst into tears. I feel like a complete idiot and very embarrassed and she probably thinks I’m a nutcase now.
Anon
Oh girl, I’ve had so many people cry on me and I don’t think any of them are nutcases, then or now. It happens! I’m sure she just cares about you especially if she wanted to meet because you haven’t seemed yourself.
anon
Don’t feel bad or embarrassed. I think most of us have cried in front of our bosses at some point in our careers. She knows that you’re a human, not a robot! As a manager, if I’m checking in on you because you haven’t seemed like yourself, it’s because I’m concerned about you as a person, first and foremost.
Anon
I had to bring up a difficult emotional subject with my boss and I started crying before I even said one word. When I finally told her the bad news that I had going on, she cried too. It’s OK, we’re human.
Anon
I think moody people have cried at work one time or another, I wouldn’t worry about it!
Anon
Most not moody! Yikes!
Anokha
Ha! Commented before I saw this correction :) But yes — most people have cried!
Anokha
Non-moody people have cried at work too! Source: Have cried more times than I can count.
Anon
Yep! I never cry, but cried in front of my boss a month ago because I was so overwhelmed. She definitely does not think I’m a nutcase
Cora
I would not think that of a direct report who burst out in tears at all! We’re all human. Things like this happen.
OP
Thanks all for the kind words. :) My boss was actually really nice about it, but it’s hard not to feel ashamed.
FE
As someone who has been on both sides of this interaction, I am confident that (1) you should not be embarrassed; and (2) she is most likely very grateful that you opened up and shared with her. She asked you because she wants to help you, and you opened the door for her to do that.
Loofah
I cried in front of my skip level a couple weeks ago (work has been extremely stressful, I just moved, etc). I would bet good money that your boss doesn’t think you’re a nutcase and wants to support you. Hang in there!
pink nails
Totally not a nutcase! This is so common that Taylor Swift literally wrote the lyrics “I cry a lot but I am so productive” into I Can Do It With A Broken Heart. I’m very biased, but if I were you I’d put in my headphones and play that on repeat very loudly for a while.
OP
Ha, that’s very appropriate because that’s one of my fave TS songs! Thanks!
Senior Attorney
If you haven’t cried at work do you even have a career?
Seriously it’s happened to most of us and it will happen to almost everybody else. Big hugs. Shake it off and carry on!
Anon
I was talking to my dentist about keeping a make up touch up kit at work and she said “Oh you touch up your make up during the day?” and I said “No, I keep it there for when I cry at work, I have to touch up my make up”. She said “You cry at work???” I said “Oh honey, you obviously have never worked in Corporate America!”
OP
I literally ordered a mini sized concealer after this morning…haha
Senior Attorney
Love it!
Anonymous
I’ve cried in front of some of my managers because rage would have been even worse. Life happens to us all.
Seventh Sister
I have teared up at work a few times (and gone to cry in the bathroom more than a few times). I’m not a nutcase and neither are you.
Anoon
Low stakes problem in need of high-reward solution: where do you put your keys in a keyless car??? I usually put them in the cupholder, but then when I drink my coffee and put it back, the keys have slid into the spot rendering me low-stakes annoyed but risking a potential high-stakes spill. I do not like to keep them in my bag because it is a bottomless pit and I have to fish them out to lock the car when I get to my destination. Sometimes I keep them in my lap, or on the passenger seat, but if I take a sharp turn and they slide/fall… you get the dilemma. Is there some sort of cute carabeener solution here? I miss just sticking them in the ignition like a real millennial.
Anon
They live in a pocket in my purse and do not ever leave. If you don’t have a pocket, maybe stick them with chap stick and hair ties in a small makeup bag, so they’re not just free floating?
Anon
This
Anon
Btw, the key for the 2024 Toyota Tacoma my husband bought this weekend is a key card – just like a hotel key. It can live in your wallet, and because the truck knows when you’re near, you never need to take it out. So, so cool! So maybe we won’t have to worry about car keys for too much longer.
Anoon
But how do you lock it? Or does it lock automatically when you walk away?
Anon
I don’t know about his new Tacoma, but my 2020 Ford has a tiny icon of a lock on the exterior door handle that you press to lock and unlock, so long as you have your key with you.
pink nails
Same with the Kia Sorento – tiny button on the door handle. Press that to unlock/lock when the key is within a few feet.
anon
Same with my Prius – I never take my key out of my bag. At this point, I wouldn’t buy a car without this feature. I had a rental a few weeks ago that needed you to press a button on the fob to lock / unlock and it drove me nuts.
Anonymous
Ditto– mine live in my zippered wallet. They never come out and I need my wallet to drive.
Anon
You don’t need your keys out if the car is keyless…
Anon
Also, you know you don’t need to get them out to lock the car, right?
Anoon
Um… I do not know this. Tell me your ways! I have a Hundai Ioniq. Pressing the lock button on the inside of the door does not work because the key fob is close to the car it unlocks again. I can lock the doors via the app, but it takes a minute and sometimes more.
Ses
There should be a square or dot on the outside handle that you press to lock it.
Anon
+1 on the Ioniq it should be towards the rear of the handle
Anoon
Amazing. I will try this tonight. This is now a car forum and I am here for it.
Anecdata
I don’t know about the Hyundai specifically but my car unlocks when the key fob is close by, but it’s only a “temporary” unlock (unlike unlocking by pressing the door button). So if I lock via door button, then try the door with the key fob on my person, the door opens. But if I then walk away, as soon as the keys are a few feet away, it relocks. If I come back /without/ the key fob, the door is still locked.
Anon
I’m in my bag in the zipper pocket or snapped to one of the handle straps but tucked inside. Also when I am lazy, the tray area under my dash in the middle (holds sunglasses, keys, phone charger, etc.).
You could also keep them in the sunglasses holder if you have one of those you aren’t using
Anon
But yes as others have mentioned you shouldn’t need them to lock your car. Mine locks by touching a place on the door handle. No keys needed.
Anonymous
I keep mine in a little pouch with my ID (and my bar card). When I go workout, I just take the pouch and throw it in the cupholder (or between my legs, if we’re being honest, when the cupholder is full). Otherwise, the pouch goes in my purse.
Anon
My center console is flat and lower so they sit there. Or the little tray under the ac and radio controls where I also stash chapstick.
Anonymous
Leave them in your bag and set it up so your car automatically locks! I promise it does this.
Anecdata
Mine are carabineer-ed to my wallet, and the wallet is usually carabineer-ed to my purse (not zipped away because I need the house key to lock my front door). When I’m mostly driving myself, I leave my car “locked” – it automatically unlocks the front driver door when I approach that door. Unfortunately it doesn’t work with the other doors so I do have to pull out my keys to eg. unlock the back trunk or passenger doors
FE
Yeah, this. Don’t you need your keys to lock your door? That’s the only reason mine ever come out from the depths of my purse.
Anon
I do not need them to lock. Mine has a little divot on the handle that you touch and it locks.
Pep
My car has a “well” below the dash, in front of the gear shift area that I toss the keys in. But if you don’t have that, you could potentially put a caribiner key chain on your fob and attach it to your purse strap.
anon
Somewhere in the depths of my purse and typically lock the car with the app on my phone. Car does have an actual spot for the key to go (thank you BMW engineering) but I never use it.
Anonymous
I keep them in the car door. I wouldn’t trust them in a purse. My back doors on my Mini are the barn door style. The button on the fob is so super sensitive that they open all the time. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve accidentally opened them from inside our house because the fob gets bumped. Fortunately any when I’m in the car have always been while I’m still on our quiet neighborhood street and not a highway.
Anonymous
If you leave them in the car, won’t anyone be able to unlock your car?
Anon
My car has a slot for the key fob and I usually stick them in there. But if you have a modern car, do you need your actual key fob to lock the car? I can just stand next to the car and hit the button on the door handle to lock it, as long as my key fob is close enough to the car.
But honestly it sounds like you need a better bag solution. How about a bag with a little strap for keys right inside it?
Runcible Spoon
I keep them on a keychain that came with my small cross-body bag.
Taki
Does anyone have recommendations for jewelry cleaning solution/machine, or am I better off going to a jewelers? I recently inherited a small jewelry collection and a lot of it is tarnished or has build-up from frequent wear. I think most of it is silver, gold, and diamond. Thanks!
Senior Attorney
I got this one from Amazon and it does a surprisingly good job: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08LN5Z9WH/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Teapot
Town Talk polishing cloths are brilliant for cleaning jewellery – my tarnished jewellery was sparkling like new after using these. You can get different types for different metals too.
Anon
Any advice for getting a long-distance elder to move in with or at least very close to children? It’s hard to untangle a life and stuff but it’s a problem you can fix best with money (vs otherwise). Elder is still driving (known local routes) and 85; no local family, doesn’t cook, health is OK for age. Recently a widower.
One kid thinks if he can just get a girl friend, it will be fine. WTF?! A woman might want him for his $ and may do no caregiving and isolate him from the one kid who flies in monthly (they have the best relationship of kids and grandkids and siblings and she has space for him but he just wont go).
I guess some things just end poorly? Or do some people just come around? You just can’t force help on people.
Anon
Nothing you’ve described says there’s a need for senior to move in with family. Imagine if this were you: still driving, eating microwave meals or cold cereal or deli sandwiches, living in the home you’ve lived in for decades. Why would you move?
This seems like maybe a weekly visit from a social worker/nurse/aide could ease the children’s minds.
Anon
Honestly, I think it’s really unfair to expect an elderly adult to move away from their lifelong community so that the child who moved away has peace of mind…
Especially if they still have friends and are involved at all in their community (church, garden club, bridge group, whatever it is).
By moving they’d be giving up the independence of their own social life, living alone, and likely driving (since they’re only driving on local, known roads now.
If you’re trying to get them to move, what can you offer to help replace what they’d be giving up? What enrichment and social activities (besides living with family) exist for them in the new location? How dedicated is the adult child to taking the time and effort to help them establish a new community? Is the child willing to take them back to their original community to visit friends and neighbors?
Anon
This! I don’t understand why people expect/demand parents and grandparents to be happy and willing to give up their entire lives to move to a new place. It sounds like he’s fine there. Absent a big problem like dementia, please let him make his own decisions.
Before anyone comes for me, my parents lived and died in a rural area where I don’t live (I’m an only child), so I understand the inconvenience. But as adults with functioning brains, they got to make the decision to live how they wanted.
Anon
Yup, this.
Anon
Flip side: one of the many reasons I want to live is that I don’t foresee my only child wanting to stay here. (Small city with crappy jobs.) I would rather move now and be near a large airport hub and maybe a place where kid would want to build a career.
Anon
This is me. In the event I become a widow, I expect to follow my kids or at least a kid to where they wind up living. I moved a lot in my life and don’t want my final years to be so hard on my kids. And I will have more fun if I go while I have time to build my own community.
Anon
Give him time. He just lost his wife… he has earned time to adjust. Sounds like he is healthier and doing better than most. Now is the time to give him ideas on meal prep help – is there meals on wheels in his area? A place to go get lunch? Establish a routine…
And over time you gently suggest options.
Anon
My dad lives alone in a rural area a flight away from me. No local family. My parents retired to the country and what works well for a couple in their 60s doesn’t work well for a widower in his 80s. It’s fine (years and years) until it isn’t (COVID, being widowed). If it were me, I’d pre-empt the catastrophe by at least going to a continuing care community or moving closer to family (like same zip code or a zip code away). At least I can track him in my phone if he leaves the house. But with the neighbors often not around, the next welfare check may be by the police, which is likely the start of some serious discussions.
There is a lot of FAFO going on and it’s hard to think about.
Anon
Unfortunately you probably won’t get him to move until a health crisis warrants it.
Anon
Unpopular opinion in some circles, but in my view, elderly parents with their cognitive faculties intact owe it to their kids to brainstorm caregiving solutions that work for everyone (obviously this doesn’t apply to no-contact situations or totally independent/married/already in a senior community situations). “But I like it where I am” isn’t fair to the kids, mostly daughters, who then have to drop everything and respond to emergencies that are more difficult than they need to be due to Dad living in a rural desert or Mom refusing to hang up her car keys because there’s no bus. Parents who want help from their kids should move closer to them or agree to be part of senior living communities.
My perspective is very colored by the deep, wrenching challenges of long-distance caregiving for a person with dementia. I don’t believe that my own life and obligations (work, family, education) weigh zero in the balance just because it’s “that person’s choice.”
Anon
But the post above doesn’t indicate the parent might be unable to care for himself or that he expects the daughters to fly in for him.
My parents didn’t want to move. They understood that meant that I wouldn’t be there to help literally pick them up off the floor. They were okay with that, and I had to accept that adults get to make decisions for themselves.
It is very nice and preferable when the parents do move! But there’s just no way to force it or coerce it.
Anon
The problem is that many, MANY elderly adults say “you don’t need to worry about me, I can care for myself, no need for you to do anything” – and then next thing you know, they’re in unsafe situations with absolutely no back-up plans at all. What are daughters supposed to do, ignore that Mom is stuck in a rural house with power out for a week in 100 degrees? Pretend they don’t see Dad’s message that he’s broken his hip and can’t walk or drive and there’s no one local to help? It’s not enough to decline help and then allow your kids to watch you suffer the second something goes predictably wrong. That’s not how human relationships work.
Nesprin
+1 the backbone of elder care in the US is the eldest daughters who have no choice but to drop everything.
It’s worth asking now, while your parent could still be a grandparent to your kids, to come and live with you or near you.
Anon
Yes. Everything is fine, until it isn’t. Then the responsible child ditches her life and takes care of the problem while the parent and other family members cry “but it’s my/his/her hooooommmme”.
I have been to court twice never having gone to bed or even napped the night before and I am too old to do that. Because not only did I have to deal with the problem, I had to drive over an hour each way and then another hour to and from a hospital. Having lived on the receiving end of this, it is my personal goal to take myself off to assisted living or whatever is necessary a little bit before it’s necessary.
Anon
Well the responsible child (yes, usually the eldest daughter) upends her life when her parents are unwell, regardless of how close they live. You just need to be there for some things; even the best hired help isn’t the same; and you just want to be there for your loved ones in their time of need. Of course it’s easier when they’re nearby, but when it’s serious you still show up and have the headache of too much juggling.
Anon
Who picks them off the floor instead though?
Anon
Their friends and neighbors and sometimes the fire department. It was not ideal, for sure! But it was their choice to lean on these solutions instead of on me. They both went into an assisted living facility after realizing the situation was untenable. One that was local to them and their entire lives/communities. I offered to move them near me and to help find a nice place, but they didn’t want to. Again, it’s not ideal but a lot of us are control freaks who have to accept we can’t control others, and sometimes that sucks.
Anon
That’s assuming someone has friends and neighbors. Not every elderly person does – including one I care for. She has NO friends. Not one.
Anon
It sounds like they had a real plan and were willing to move into assisted living when it made sense.
It’s different when someone wants to stay somewhere far from all their friends (who have downsized or moved into assisted living themselves) and from family (who moved for employment) all with no plan and few options!
Anecdata
No one is suggesting that that
the adult kids’ “life and obligations” weigh zero, or adult kids don’t get to make their own choices. Respecting your parents choice is different from saying your parent to automatically gets whatever they want: example, your parent’s ideal situation might be that they want to live near you, and stay in your home, so they want you to move back to your hometown. You don’t have to do that. You can still respect their choice to stay in hometown and be further from you; or to move closer to you and accept the negatives of leaving their hometown.
In a healthy relationship, you should be able to talk about these pros and cons! and talk realistically with your parents about what you can and can’t do – like maybe staying in hometown increases the risk of them having to enter assisted living after an injury because you can’t help them as much as you could if they lived close. Maybe you wouldn’t be able to help much even if they /did/ live close. Maybe they care a lot about visiting different assisted living & choosing one they feel really comfortable with, so they want to that choice early, have time to be on wait-list, etc. and maybe they value staying at home as long as possible and are willing to accept the risk of needing an emergency assisted living placement with a lot fewer options. Those are the kinds of choices you need to respect, even if they are not the choices you would make for yourself.
Anon
Can you get him to make a few concessions – maybe wearing an Apple watch with fall detection/health monitoring? Have the child who comes in work with an eldercare agency to asses the house and make some changes to help him continue to age in place for a while longer?
I’d also see if you can set up a local person to help with house stuff – I bet a once a week house manager type person would go a long way towards identifying and fixing/preventing issues (heat or A/C go out, smoke detector or carbon monoxide not working, parent is not clean, fridge is empty, etc.).
Anon
What even?! My gawd the ageism on here. I used to worry about not having kids in old age and now I’m glad I won’t have a crew deeming me incapable of living my life. 85 looks different on different people, I suggest you get out more.
Anonymous
This. With the level of compassion in the OP’s post I wouldn’t move near her either.
Anon
People are ageist here (calling a 70 year old a “little old lady” comes to mind) but I’ve seen a lot of people grow old and while, yes, 85 looks different on different people, it’s a very rare 85 year old who has years of good mental and physical health ahead of them (this is why people are so concerned about Biden!) and it’s not crazy to worry about an 85 year old living alone. 75 would be a completely different story.
That said, I agree that you don’t get to force mentally competent seniors to make decisions they don’t want to make. But you also get to decide how involved you’ll be. You don’t have to fly across the country multiple times per year because your parent refuses to move. There are consequences to him choosing to stay alone far from family, and one of them is his family will be less available for caregiving.
Anon
I don’t see why the parent has to suffer because their kids chose to move a flight away.
Anon
So the kids all move back? Or draw straws? That doesn’t seem feasible and a lot of us in cities came from dead-end rustbelt towns.
At 85+, I’d love to see a parent still involved in their community and having friends, but my parents have outlasted everyone else they were friends with and after COVID don’t go out except to the store. I’m not sure what really holds them except for inertia. They used to visit kids and relatives but now can’t even travel easily. They are not quite home bound but on the way.
Anecdata
Honestly that’s where I’d start – from a place of genuine curiosity, what do they like about living there? What’s important to them in the rest of their lives?
Anon
I think some of this depends on family culture. There are families where most kids stay within 100 miles of where they grew up, and it’s seen as abandoning the family if they move away. But my husband and I both grew up in families where it was expected that we would move away for college and to pursue careers and not move home to our small towns with limited career opportunities. When DH and I got married we had basically no local guests at our wedding, because we’d both acquired friends all over the country from various stages of life and our friends from high school had moved all over.
Anon
I am a poster above saying it’s unfair to expect your parent to pick up and move; however, I think even very healthy and capable 85 year olds are worth worrying over. My parents lived til their early 90s and really didn’t show their age until 90 or 91, but when it happened it happened FAST. My parents obviously lived much longer than the average, so I see the concern at 85. At that age, it takes one misstep on an uneven surface to result in a literal crisis. But, I don’t think demanding a parent move to you is the answer. FWIW, my parents moved closer to me (admittedly from 30 mins away to 10 mins away) and into a retirement community of their own volition in their early 80s.
Nesprin
85 doesn’t look that different and a healthy 85 year old will likely need assistance within 5 years.
Anon
It’s funny, because god forbid you use the word “old” to talk about somebody 65 (even though they are older than 85% of the population), but if you’re talking about somebody’s parents then suddenly they have zero agency at all and don’t know anything about what’s good for them.
Anonymous
You certainly can’t force help on people with this attitude. You really can’t understand why someone would hesitate to leave their whole life, everything they know, to spend a few sad years isolated, alone, without even the comfort of looking out their window at a favorite tree?
Anon
Yup. This.
Senior Attorney
I agree with all the posters who say it’s unreasonable to uproot him at this point. I think the best and most realistic solution is to find somebody to come into the house and help out (cook)/keep an eye on things. If I were in your shoes that’s what I’d be doing. I’d also be scoping out assisted living facilities in his area so you’ll be ready when the time comes.
anon
Agree with above. With a sample size of two – one grandma stayed in the same town she lived in for 30 + years, and she got extra support in her life (house cleaners 1x week, meals delivered through meals on wheels + grocery delivery, and an person that came once a week for errands). She thrived for another decade before transitioning to a nursing home in her late 90s. Other grandma was moved to near family, didn’t know the area, had trouble making friends and generally folded in on her self – as her family were the only people in her circle. So, my vote is that if you can swing him staying in place then let him do that until he wants to move.
Anon
No local family and doesn’t cook. So, drives for all meals? Eats just cereal? Microwaves food?
This will all be fine until the car breaks down or something like a hurricane runs through Houston in a heat wave and you have no power for a week and neither does any neighbor or store / restaurant. Plus, old people are more likely to die in extreme temps.
You can’t make anyone take reasonable help but like with addicts, it is hard to watch.
Anon
Uh someone not wanting to be pressured to their community is nothing like an addict making poor choices.
Loneliness is an epidemic among the elderly and has been shown to negatively impact mental and physical health and lifespan. Not wanting to leave your friends and routines to move to a new city where you only know your child and grandchildren who have busy lives of their own is not unreasonable.
We actually talked about moving my widowed, 83, healthy and lively FIL in with us (and he lived about 5 miles away!) in with us but he chose to move to a retirement community instead because he knew it’d be way more social and active for him. He’s been there 8 years and it was 1000% the right choice. I think if he moved in with us instead (and we would have loved to have him) he would not still be thriving.
Senior Attorney
Yes, and speaking of girlfriends? I promise any man who doesn’t have a girlfriend in a retirement home is working HARD at keeping the ladies at bay.
Anon
Oh my FIL has two!
Anecdata
Equating “there’s more risk because I’m further from family in a natural disaster, but I think it’s worth it to stay near my oldest friends” with a drug addict’s choices is.. quite the take. If “what if the power goes out” is really the issue, ask your dad if you can Amazon him a giant box of protein bars to stick in the closet.
Anon
YOU moved away from home (which is totally fine!) and then you’re expecting them to pick up and leave their entire lives to follow you when YOURE the one who left?
You can make your own choices but you cannot dictate that your parents (or anyone else) make those same choices.
Anon
That is a hot take.
In my family, my parents moved in retirement after many prior moves. They never lived near family and like many military families, we have no true home. When everyone is in the wind, and everyone is an adult, you get to make choices. But then you can’t also demand that others make the choices that suit you. This goes both ways. Especially for women who may be taking care of two wildly different generations (if not 3), while still trying to hold down a job.
Anon
Why is it a hot take? You say yourself that your parents moved in retirement because they never had a true home. It sounds like the OP’s dad does have a true home.
Anonymous
I don’t understand why everyone is being so harsh on you. My in-laws can’t feed themselves, they drive although I don’t think it’s safe, and they’re also too poor to hire help. Unfortunately they have ended up ruining my BILs career because he moved back into their home in podunk nowhere to take care of them otherwise they would have died due to some accident by now. They aren’t appreciative of BILs sacrifices either.
Anon
I agree. People are acting like they’ve never heard of the all-too-frequent scenarios where lonely, isolated seniors who have refused all offers of help, no matter how delusional their own self-perceptions can be, and then get into serious trouble. It is physically and emotionally painful for kids to watch their parents or other relatives suffer preventable harm. It does NOT make OP or anyone else a monster for wanting things to be safer.
Anecdata
Sure, but nothing in OPs post indicates it’s a similar situation: nothing that shows her dad expects or demands she move back to care for him, or that he can’t feed himself (eating cereal and microwave meals may not be your ideal, but it’s a far cry from not being able to meet his basic needs), or that he’s not safe to drive
Anon
I wonder how many of us are people who have sacrificed something or pivoted a career in order to be near family and are tired of hearing someone who chose to leave complain about how hard it is?
I’m now the third generation make this choice. 3 of my grandparents were born and raised in our city, but my one grandma was from a rural farming community ~ 2 ish hours away. She was a career woman (didn’t settle down with a husband or kids til she was 40!) but relocated from a different city and job (that she preferred) our city to be closer to her parents. She didn’t want to go back to farm life, but she did choose the closest city that could support her career so she could easily commute home to help. Then my dad gave up a great promotion because it required a relocation and he didn’t want to do that. Then I totally changed career tracks (can’t work for the State Department and live where I do!) and ended a relationship to move back to my home city.
It was important for me to live near family for various reasons: I really enjoy my parents and didn’t want to spend their last 20-30 years only seeing them a few times a year; I want my kids to be close to grandparents, cousins, and other family; and I enjoy having a symbiotic relationship with my parents – they could pinch hit with childcare when my kids were young and now I can help them as they age – both with the big things (hospitalizations, moving them into a retirement community) and the small things (running their errands for them, accompanying them to the doctors as another set of eyes and ears).
Overall it’s like 85% worth it having given up what could have been, but it was a really distinct choice I made.
I recognize that I made my choice and don’t hold it against my family or anyone. It was my choice.
So, people who chose to leave should own their choice and recognize that by leaving they have to accept their parents aging in place plans!!!
Anonymous
Being stubborn and ruining your kids life is not an ‘aging in place plan’ it’s being selfish.
Anon
A) it’s not ruining a kids life
B) don’t families WANT to live nearby and support and enjoy each other
Anonymous
Gosh darn I’ll get right on telling my BIL he can definitely get his career back after 10 years away and that the emotional blackmail was really for his own enjoyment.
Anecdata
If your BIL backburnered his career in order to prioritize being near family, that was his choice as an adult to make ( in discussion with his spouse).
If your BIL feels like he was “emotionally blackmailed” into making that choice for 10 years (!), or feels like he still can’t make adult decisions independent of his parents, that is the problem. Not the parents not moving.
Anon
The elderly are still autonomous human beings who get to make their own choices, like it or not.
Anon
Agree. That point seems to get lost pretty regularly around here.
Anon
Yup. It’s sad.
Anon
It happens more frequently when I read here lately, but I get this visceral response reading some of the comments here that many of these posters are just miserable people. Not the elderly dad.
Anonymous
Are we allowed to tell them tough sh*t when they inevitably break a hip then? Or are we still obligated to drop everything?
Anon
+1. If you don’t want to lift a finger for planning or consider reasonable accommodations, then don’t call your daughter when you break a hip unless it’s to say “I’ve hired a home health agency.”
Anon
Yeah, you are allowed. You’re also an autonomous human being who gets to make her own choices.
Anon
Exactly!
Anon
Let’s not pretend it’s a meaningful choice once disaster has struck. Almost no caring child will be able to say “nope, you’re on your own!” when parents are in deep trouble. It becomes as close to compulsory as anything can be.
Anon
Yeah but even if my mom lives at assisted living one mile away, if she breaks her hip it’s not like I’m like okay, you’re in assisted living they’ll take care of it.
I’m still canceling plans and spending a lot of time with her in the hospital, taking her to rehab, wrangling doctors, making sure she’s comfortable, and visiting her. Sure it’s less of a load than if she lived alone 400 miles away but it’s still eating up all of my free time and cutting into work time.
Anonymous
It’s not a choice and you damn well know. It’s coercive at best, it’s not informed consent and it’s abusive as hell.
Anecdata
There are also a lot of choices available to the adult child in that situation that fall in between “tough, you’re on your own!” and “OK, I’m quitting my job and spending the next six months driving you to PT”.
Anecdata
There’s a lot of space between “will not think about planning for the future AT ALL” and “will not move to my town/isn’t planning for the future in the exact way I prefer”. Have you asked your dad about what his emergency plans are?
Anon
And maybe he will get a new love who wants to love and care for him. I think that’s a win for anyone late in life. Elder care is expensive whether it’s a senior living home or a new love spending the money.
Anon
Nope. My mom wouldn’t move. She had friends and she loved where she lived, in the house she raised her children in. That was how she wanted to spend the rest of her days and I had to accept it.
Anonymous
I remote care for a disabled elder in a rural area. Here is where to throw money: Walmart delivers; they have food delivery apps too; use video calls with any of the smart home services, use video doorbells; any of the national meal kit services have a prepared meal option that can be sent by mail; if necessary, hire a housekeeper or handy person (but this person still drives). I’m 4 hours away but drive down for doctors appointments and things like that but A LOT can be done remotely these days. The local area agency on aging is another resource. Most seniors want to age in place so help them do that until it’s actually impossible.
Anon
I’m making it known to my loved ones that I want to move to a senior living community at a certain age. I have seen too many younger generations absolutely suffer caring for aging relatives – it’s too much for one person or a couple to deal with. It really is. Our society should not continue to be structured around the premise that “women will just take care of it for free.” I’m going to pay for the help I’ll probably need so I can spend time with family for FUN and so we can actually enjoy each other. Caring for a senior is work and it should be paid.
Anon
Amen. I am an eldest daughter who has moved away (with my own family obligations now) and am now .5 FTE so I can travel to my hometown and help out. So I’m treading water for now on the work front but it beats all other solutions I’ve tried. It won’t work in all situations but my other sibling lives farther away and won’t do anything.
Anon
I’m with you. I hope to be as considerate in my old age as I strive to be now.
Anon
And a friendly reminder that if you have a cousin or some other non-sibling relative who stayed local, they probably cannot be your elder care plan. You need to have another plan.
I’m in Philly, all of both sides of my family have been Philly based for 3+ generations. I recognize I’m lucky because my hometown offers a lot for both aging and being a place people want to live and many in similar situations to the OP don’t have the amenities we have like: excellent healthcare, mild climate with less risk of natural disasters, strong job market, good education, reasonable COL, public transportation and all of the delivery services.
My sister and I stayed, equally because we genuinely want to live here (it’s a fun city, my friends are here, I can have a great career) and because I wanted to stay close to family. ALL of my cousins left. ALL of them.
I already have my own parents and my childfree aunt and uncle to take care of. Plus my own children, my in laws (in Harrisburg so not close but not far), and my career. I want to help my other aunts and uncles and great aunts and great uncles as much as I can, but there’s only so much bandwidth.
Obviously in an emergency I’ll do whatever’s needed for great Aunt Gladys, or if I’m nearby I’ll pop in to say hello and take out the trash or whatever. But driving her home from her cataract surgery? Shoveling her driveway every snow storm? Bringing her groceries when she is under the weather? Probably not going to happen. You need to plan to either do it yourself or pay someone because it can’t always be me.
Never mind the fact that my husband and I are both teachers and my cousins mostly work in public accounting or finance or medicine and have the money to throw at it.
Anon
I have a cousin like this. She is tired. Her kids are tired. It is not fair.
My sister’s plan for my mom was to have my mom move closer to my cousin. OMFG no.
Seventh Sister
IME, some things just end poorly. My paternal grandfather died of a stroke after years and years of declining health. His widow had to move in a hurry because he’d been covering for her dementia for (most likely) decades. Is that the end I want? No. Is it the end he wanted? Yes.
My maternal grandmother finally moved after a series of injuries, but once she got to a CCRC, she was happy to let my mom and aunt take the reins.
My parents moved to my sister’s neighborhood, and I am eternally grateful to my sister for agreeing to this scheme and to my parents for leaving the rural area which was great for their first 10ish years of retirement. My in-laws live about 90 minutes away and refuse to move any closer. Their house is on two tricky floors, they have a lot of lawn and home maintenance to do, and intend to be carried out feet first. That’s their choice, though I have pointed out (as wise Senior Attorney has said) they may be alive when they are carried out.
Anon
I tried a new recipe yesterday and ended up with the driest zucchini bread to ever bread. Of course the recipe made two loaves. Is there anything I can do to improve them? I just slathered a slice with butter and microwaved it, and that was only ok. Dunk in milk? Drizzle with warm cream cheese icing? Slice and rebake into zucchini biscotti? So many ingredients wasted…
Anon
It’s also a waste of butter, milk and cream cheese if you try them and don’t like the results. In this situation I cut my losses and toss.
Anon
Yep. Classic sunk cost fallacy here. It’s a bad recipe; the loss of the ingredients is part of the cost of trying out new things.
Moose
Lean into the dryness and toast it with butter/jam/cream cheese/whatever on it.
Anon
Croutons ?
HTX
Depending on how dry the loaves are, poking holes into the loaves and doing a steam bake and/or brushing the loaves with simple syrup may do the trick.
NYNY
I’d try toasting a slice in a pan with butter, like when you griddle a grilled cheese sandwich. If it’s good, eat the rest that way. If it’s meh, toss it.
Anon
I was going to say fry it it butter as well.
Butter fried bread is rairly a poor choice.
you could treat it like a french toast – add some chopped nuts and sliced banana or something on top after.
Anon
Throw it out. Sometimes you make something that doesn’t turn out.
Anonymous
Girl you aren’t a trash can! Throw it out. You wasted flour and zucchini get a grip and move on.
Anon
Harsh, but true.
Anon
Please come tell my husband that he does not need to eat everything out of obligation!
Anon
Bread pudding
Anonymous
Compost it
Anon318
Job hunt help, please! I’m applying to a Sr. Director-level role for which I am a great fit and I would like to send a LinkedIn message to the VP the role reports to. VP is very accomplished and the role I’m applying to would be VP’s right hand in department goal setting, implementation, operations oversight, and growth. First, do I even do this or just reach out to the HR hiring manager and call it a day? The goal would be to get on VP’s radar and potentially move my resume higher in the applicant pile. I’m thinking something like the following:
It must be an exciting time at [company] given the upcoming [milestone] and I imagine building capabilities for handling [requirements] is your priority in the short term alongside ongoing [activities]. I have 10+ years experience in [functional area] operations, including 3 years with oversight responsibility for all [functional area] operations. I have developed processes, implemented tools, and built teams to achieve company goals in [functional area], [other related functional area], and other functional areas. [Company’s] job posting for [role] caught my eye as a great fit. Would you be open to sharing more about what success looks like for this role? I look forward to hearing from you and hope to have a longer conversation during the interview process.
Thoughts? Edits? Is there a more suitable greeting than “Dear [name]”? Thanks in advance!
NYNY
Do you know the VP at all? If not, don’t do it. LinkedIn messages from strangers feel so spammy. Better to use your network if you have any friends who know the VP and are willing to vouch for you. A word from a trusted colleague is valuable when making hiring decisions, but the message you’re proposing isn’t.
Anon318
That is helpful – thank you for your perspective!
Cat
I agree with NYNY – if I even SEE the message (I might not for a week or more as I have very few push notifications turned on for LI) it comes across as cold-calling.
Cora
This is what I was thinking. I wasn’t sure if I was off base or just grumpy. If I have 0 connection with them I never liked getting messages from applicants. I used to always think “just apply and I’ll look at your resume” – and honestly sometimes replied that.
Anon
Agree. If you don’t know VP, a linked in message out of the blue would come across as creepy, or at least it would to me.
Anonymous
When my team gets these message we just think it’s weird. Write a cover letter and submit your application.
Anonymous
I’m a high level VP in a big company that has roles like this reporting into me. I would use LinkedIn to network your way into a connection to this person, not reach out directly. Or, if you are unable to do that, perhaps use LinkedIn to reach out and talk about the company, not this specific role and your application. The latter would depend a lot on the company and this specific function.
The former– I do this and have requests for similar all the time. “Hi X, I’m looking at a role with ABC company. Do you happen to know anyone there I could chat with?” Then take what they give you, connect with someone at the company, and keep connecting until you get to the department/role you are looking at.
Anokha
+1 to this. If someone messaged me directly on LinkedIn, not only would I roll my eyes, I would count that as a mark of bad judgment. However, if someone used LinkedIn to find a connection at my company, and the connection sent me the CV/referred the individual, I would look much more closely.
Gifting Help
My partner officially graduates from a years-long training tomorrow, and I would like to get something to commemorate the occasion. He recently had an unofficial graduation, for which I got his favorite dessert + a card with several “gift cards” for a date, movie of his choice, etc. but I’d still like to get him something for this. I went ALL out for his bday a few weeks ago, so I’ve kept things simple since. It’s also resulted in me completely dropping the ball and needing something last minute lol.
I plan to hit up my local mall and shops (places I have near me: Barnes and Noble, Nordstrom, Macy’s, the usual mall places.)
His interests: anything tech-y, legos, Star Wars/Marvel, sentimental items (maybe somewhere I can go for same day engraving?), etc. If it helps, his training was military-esque if there are any ideas on what might be a useful gift. Thanks!
anon
the big millenium falcon lego
Anon
I love this idea!!
OP
Funny enough – he’s mentioned wanting this someday!! I just can’t stomach the $800 price point rn.
Senior Attorney
Then a smaller but still cool Lego set. Everybody likes R2D2: https://www.amazon.com/LEGO-Collectible-Exclusive-Anniversary-Minifigure/dp/B0CGY22J6Y?ref_=pb_hm_dp_T1
OP
Cute! Thank you!
anon
Really thinking about getting Hubs the dungeon & dragons set if that’s your guys jam. Otherwise, if it want to be sentimental – a nice leather wallet is always a good milestone gift. For men, you can get really nice designer options for a lot cheaper than women’s.
Anon
Is it because you think $800 is too much for legos, or because you can’t afford $800? I’m sure my husband thinks none of my jewelry should cost $800 (and let’s be real, it really doesn’t have huge resale value) but as long as we can afford it, $800 is ok.
OP
I can’t afford it. Almost all my gifts for him are things he enjoys that I don’t/may not understand, and wouldn’t spend on for myself, but $800 non-essential purchase is a lot for me right now. Like I can’t even fathom owning any jewelry over $100 let alone $800.
Anon
That’s so funny, I immediately thought that as I started to read OP’s third paragraph.
Yes. This is the way.
Sarah
When you have 1-on-1s with your boss, do you set the agenda / run the meeting or do they? I’ve fallen into the habit of running my 1-on-1s with my direct reports but I would prefer if they set the agenda or had things they wanted to talk about.
Anon
I would assume my boss would set the agenda, so make it clear to your direct report that you want them to do it.
Sarah
Oh yeah I would tell them directly. Just haven’t done so yet.
NYNY
I’ve made this a development goal for my team. I met with the group to tell them that they were expected to set an agenda and email it to me a day before we meet. Some ran with it, and others needed more help, but it has been easy to work on it with them because we could talk about it at the 1:1. If there’s something I want to talk about, I send it to them when they send me the agenda, and if there’s something I expect will take our whole time slot, I tell them in advance so they don’t spend time on the agenda. I also ask them to create issue trackers which we review on the meetings, but that may or may not apply to your work.
Sarah
This sounds great, I’ll do something along these lines . We already have something like an issue tracker
JTM
With my leader we both set the agenda, and I function that way with my direct reports.
Peloton
My old boss insisted I set the agenda, but that’s because she refused to read or respond to my emails, so the agenda just became “I emailed you about x matter last week; did you have the chance to approve the final markup?” (and these were on things where she *had* to sign off under company policies, because she had deal approval authority at that dollar value and I did not). So…if you want your 1:1s to set the agenda, ok, fair, but make sure you’re not using that as an excuse not to engage with them otherwise, or they will still think about how bad a boss you were five years after they left the company :)
Sarah
This seems like a leap.
Peloton
Putting this more positively, I think it’s very easy for bosses to assume that “they’ll bring up anything important in our 1:1 so it’s okay if I miss an email,” and that is a frequent bugaboo for employees. It’s understandable, of course, given email volume; it’s just something to watch out for. Every boss I’ve had who has had me set the agendas has done it to some degree. (Only one required the level of babysitting I described above, which really was terrible; it’s very forgivable on an occasional basis). If you mostly avoid that practice, your employees will thank you.
Anonymous
I had one of those managers too.
Cat
A mix. It’s mostly opportunity for them to catch up with me on any misc. questions or escalation points on their projects, but I also sometimes have specific agenda items for them, like upcoming projects that would be on my radar but not theirs.
Ses
This is me, too. At the beginning of the meeting I might say “I’d like to discuss x,y, and z, what do you have on your list?” And that also lets me know from the beginning if we need to extend the meeting or plan a second discussion.
Anonymous
We have a shared agenda we both add things to. I do this with my boss and direct reports. There are 3 categories (inform; priorities; discussion).
Ses
I like this. Where do you store the shared agenda?
CMS
I do something similar. We use a shared OneNote page to track topics, and we can both add. We use Inform, Discuss, Decide to categorize.
BelleRose
This! We have a Word document that is “tabbed” on our Teams chat that we both add items to.
Anecdata
I set the agenda, because my boss always opens with “so what do you want to talk about” and very rarely has anything if I end with: “Is there anything else you need from me/anything else you need an update on/etc”. But if my boss were opening with “Update me on Project A, now product B, etc”, I would assume they want to own the agenda, and I would think it would be overstepping to try to start being more proactive about owning it myself (if there were something I really needed their input on and they weren’t asking about, I’d probably still raise it, but phrased as an ask: “I need your input on Project Z, could we add it to our 1:1, or should I set up something separate.. ”
tldr; it’s reasonable to have your reports own the agenda but you gotta actually tell them that
Anon
I don’t have this anymore as I’m my own boss now, but with my last boss, one on ones were out of the blue when he had a few moments to spare.
So in my planner/the book that is loosely a very functional bullet journal, I kept a page every month for a running list of things I needed to bring up next time I had a one on one. Anything we didn’t get to that month got transferred over to the next month. Just bullet points. It was so helpful to be able to glance at the list at the end of the meeting and say “while at it, let me ask you about…”
anon for this
Relatively new manager here, but the culture in my org is that 1:1s are primarily driven by the staff member. Agendas are set by the staff member and sent to the manager, who then adds anything that they need to cover as well.
anon
cross posting for more visibility –
My 7 year old if getting a tongue tie release at the dentist next week. The dentist hasnt been really helpful about pre and post care. She just mentioned that he will need speech therapy within 2-3 days after the procedure. Also, we’re going on vacation for 3 weeks (to see family) and wont be able to physically go to a therapist, but can do stretches at home. If any of you have been through this, what was you experience like? The advice ive seen online is mostly geared for babies. Also, would you suggest moving the procedure to after the 3 week vacation? I would want him to be miserable while away, but im not sure how long it takes to recover. Thank you!!
Anon
I’d do it after the vacation. Enjoy the rest and deal with this when you get back.
I had a kid get wisdom teeth out and did all the fun things and ate all the fun foods this summer prior to it and she should be all fine when school starts.
Anon318
Speech therapy veteran mom here – I would move the procedure so speech therapy can be in person. While my kid didn’t have this specific issue, I was pleasantly surprised by how physical the therapy was (e.g., using tools like large straws and other to “feel” the muscles that now need to move differently). I think progress would have been much slower if we had attempted virtual speech therapy.
Seafinch
I had a nine year old released and my husband and I both did it as adults. None of us needed pain meds. It was just sore like a good work out. we didn’t even adjust meals afterward. The recommended exercises are basically to give raises and stretches and not complicated BUT as someone who has had six of seven immediate family members done, I wouldn’t do it with a dentist who gave those instructions and behaved like that because I would be concerned about them doing it properly. The standard is pretty clearly to do prep myofascial work up exercises and the the stretches I mentioned (if no stitches).
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anon
I had it done as a teenager and agree with Seafinch. The soreness goes away quickly and I never had speech therapy after (though plenty of speech therapy for years prior due to the tongue tie) but still wouldn’t want to deal with it on vacation!
Anonymous
Would you want to have surgery and then go on vacation feeling bad and ignoring the advice on post op care that you got? Surely not? Why would you do this?
Peloton
This is so needlessly judgmental in tone.
Anonymous
Well thank god you’re here to police everyone else’s comments!
Anon
Seriously.
Peloton
I know, right?? Whew!
Anonymous
Is it? My parents used to do this stuff when I was a kid. They would prioritize their own fun over my medical care and as a result I have lifelong issues that could have been easily resolved with responsible parenting.
Peloton
Sorry your parents sucked. Doesn’t mean that you need to take it out on a woman who’s trying to figure out the best possible option for her kid for a medical procedure she clearly doesn’t understand yet (but is actively seeking information/advice from others about).
Anon
Give it a rest.
Cat
Sounds like a no brainer to me to do it after vacation so your kid can fully enjoy the trip AND you can do the best version of after care.
Senior Attorney
+1
Anon
+1
PLB
I guess it depends on the kid but my DD had a tongue tie release by a dentist when she was five or six and the several few days afterward, she was in no position or space to vacation. She could barely eat and needed to do the exercises which was very uncomfortable for her in the beginning.
anon
I hope you have a better dentist than my kids did, but I’ll share in case anyone reading has a dentist like my kid’s.
Dentist recommended tongue tie snipping via dentist’s new, expensive laser. Speech therapist was horrified and said it would absolutely not help my kid and pediatrician also saw no need for surgery. About six months of speech therapy and no surgery later and the articulation issue is resolved.
Peloton
I had oral surgery around that age and was not at all in a position to travel, so agree with everyone else to do this after the trip. I also would get a second opinion if you haven’t already; tongue tie releases absolutely are necessary for some children, but they’re also a newfound profit center for some dentists. Doesn’t hurt to get a second voice in the mix.
Sarah
I’m really getting into linen button downs half unbottoned over a tank top or similar. Idk if this is awfully out of style, but it works so well for the heat outside + being a little covered up for AC. My work is also very casual so it works for that. Normal button down wearing doesn’t work great for my . . . body type (not sure what is censored).
Cb
I have uniqlo popovers that I love for this purpose. I was out in the hear today and felt really comfortable, and had a bit of sun protection.
Sarah
Yep wearing a uniqlo shirt today too!
Anonymous
Totally agree, my summer wardrobe is Chessie from Parent Trap this year.
Anon
My summer uniform. On the hottest days I skip the tank and just wear the linen shirt over my bra.
good banks?
hi all- new spouse & I are looking to open up a joint checking (+ eventual savings) account – neither of us love our current banks (me – local credit union that I’ll keep active since great for car loans, etc. but annoying the closest branch is now far far away & not easy to open up dedicated accounts) (him – wells fargo – not thrilled to do more biz there with their scandals.. ) anyone have a bank they love / would recommend for easy use? we’d like something that makes it easy to set up dedicated accounts/funds (‘house’ ‘vacation’ etc.). looking at Chase, yay or nay?
Anon
I’d say the biggest factor is which banks/atms are closest to your house. Other than that banks seem fairly comparable for the average person. My husband and I have had Chase for a decade and have no complaints, but haven’t ventured beyond a basic checking account + credit card.
For savings, I would keep it all in a high yield savings account and just move to checking as you need to pay for bigger items. We use Marcus; again, most are comparable and it’s better to just pick one and start accruing interest than waste too much time doing research
Anon
I haven’t been to a bank branch in at least 10 years. Go with Ally.
Z
I like Ally! Super easy to create accounts and do transfers. Their savings account gets 4.2% interest right now.
Peloton
I haven’t been to a bank branch in many years, either, but had a terrible experience resolving an obvious fraud through Ally. (I had them send a printed check to a vendor; someone stole the check from the vendor’s mailbox, whited out the vendor’s name, and used a typewriter to put in their own name (different font, looked terrible). Ally honored the obviously forged check, even though the name on the check had changed from the check they sent. To recover the funds, they made me and the vendor both submit notarized statements and a ton of paperwork. A process that was much more complicated than it needed to be, given that again, the check was, on its face, obviously doctored and should not have been able to be cashed in the first place). So…YMMV. Others have reported great customer service, so maybe I just got unlucky; this was around the start of the pandemic.
Senior Attorney
I had a terrible experience with Ally last year — and I literally couldn’t get anybody on the phone for customer service for DAYS even though I had lost access to thousands of dollars of my money. I switched to CapitalOne360 and have been happy with them. If you do want a brick and mortar bank, I think Chase is the best of a bad lot of alternatives.
Anon
I will be honest. We stuck with Wells Fargo. Would I open a brand new account there absent the history? Probably not. But there’s a branch a block from our house I can walk to, and we have segregated accounts for different things – debit accounts for our kids, a separate savings account for general savings and a separate savings account we use as an escrow for our property taxes, homeowners insurance etc. I opened a business and then opened a linked business account at the same branch because it’s easy for me to take income from my business into our family account now. I don’t have any reason to move (prior bad experiences with Chase & BofA so I’m not sure there’s a good one.)
I was pretty happy with a credit union when I lived near one but the charges for using ATMs when I traveled got to me. And the online services at the time were not as good as a large bank. Take a look at what just happened to Patelco. That makes me nervous about going back to one.
Anon
Honest question: why would you keep savings in a regular WF account, vs opening an online HYSA?
Anon
I don’t. We have an Ally account. But the day to day is in Wells.
Anonymous Grouch
I like Capital One. Your question gave me a little jolt of nostalgia and reminded me of my new husband and I opening a bank account at the bank that had a little branch in the supermarket near our house. We figured it was just a free checking account so “how bad could it be”? We’re still with the same bank 25 years later. The supermarket is long gone, and the bank has changed names 4 or 5 times, but it’s still a perfectly reliable spot to keep our join checking.
HTX
I agree that pets often go shelter->picked for adoption->surgery->recover with adopter or shelter->tagged by rescue->surgery->recover with adopter placed by the rescue. However, in this instance, the cat was already in a foster home with the rescue before it was spayed. In my rescue fostering experience, pets are usually altered before or during their time with me and then put up for adoption after they’ve recovered.
Anon
Same here.