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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
One thing about me is that I’m never going to say no to a ruffle. This top from Gap is a fun twist on a classic button-up. Even though my brain knows that ironing out that eyelet piece is going to make me crazy, the heart wants what the heart wants!
If beige isn’t your thing, this also comes in off-white and black.
The top is $44.99 (marked down from $59.95) at Gap, and comes down to $26.99 at checkout. It's available in regular sizes XXS–XXL, tall sizes S–XXL, and petite sizes XS–L.
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
Health Insurance Choice
It’s open enrollment season, and I could use some help choosing between two health insurance plans. Here are the options:
HMO
– Annual premiums: $2050
– Deductible: $0
– Max out of pocket: $6450
HDHP with HSA
– Annual premiums: $1650
– Deductible: $1600
– Max out of pocket: $3000
– Employer contributes $500 to the HSA
Based on my calculations, the HDHP seems like the better option if I either don’t use any health care beyond preventative care, or if I use a lot of health care. For a more typical amount of health care use, the HMO seems preferable.
I also understand that an HSA offers tax advantages. However, I’m a little concerned that I might subconsciously put off or delay care with the high deductible plan.
For context, I’m 37 with no chronic conditions. There’s a small chance my husband and I will TTC in 2024. I earn about 100K per year in a high cost of living city.
Any advice or insights?
Anon
Given these two really good options, provided you have $1600 if you need it, the HDHP looks like the better one. An HSA is a great account if you have access to one and your max out of pocket is so much lower!
Anon
Get the HDHP. You are too focused on the deductible, when the deductible doesn’t really matter (your employer contributes $500, and you should put money in, too – consider $400, which is the difference in premium cost). The low out of pocket max is gold.
If you end up with a big expense, put the money into your HSA and pay from there. The HSA ensures that every cent of your health care spending is tax free, whereas the other option means all expenditures are taxable.
The HSA is triple tax free: tax free to put in, tax free growth, and tax free withdrawal (when used for qualifying health care or for any reason after age 65). It rolls over year to year, and stays with you when you leave your job.
Not what you asked: if you are 37, why would you not TTC in 2024 if you want kids?
Digby
HMOs typically have limited networks of primary care doctors,specialists, and hospitals,and most care has to be arranged by and referred by your primary care doctor. Out-of-network care is generally not covered except in emergencies. Before considering an HMO, I would make sure I was comfortable with the network of providers and access issues.
Anon
+1. I would just never rely on an HMO given all the restrictions. YMMV.
Anon
+2
Anon
I’ve been in an HMO for years and love it, especially that they do a lot of the coordinating of care between providers within their network.
NYNY
What do the copays and coinsurance look like for the two plans? If they’re similar, the HDHP is probably a better option, but if you haven’t been on one before, you do need to mentally adjust for paying out of pocket for your healthcare, and the bills can be shocking. You get the adjusted rate from your insurance carrier’s contract, but it’s still a lot more than the copays or coinsurance you may be used to.
Cat
HMO network access can be a PITA. I’d evaluate carefully before choosing that over the HDHP.
Betsy
I would do the high deductible and I would max out the HSA, especially if you think you’ll stay at this employer and have these health plan options for a few years. The lower out of pocket max is a big deal in a year where you use significant amounts of insurance, and personally I love having the HSA available. You can use it for things that your insurance might not cover (like a doula if you do end up pregnant in a few years) and you don’t have to worry about losing the money at the end of the year like an FSA. Once you build up a little bit of a cushion in your HSA you’ll easily be able to cover any medical bills that arise.
Anon
This is the way to go, especially with such a low out of pocket max. Contribute at least enough to your HSA to cover that out of pocket amount (and keep it funded to that level every year). You can add significantly more than that to your HSA (up to the annual allowable limit) and enjoy the tax benefits while investing those funds for growth and future use.
Although OP, please do double-check that you are looking at the correct numbers for the number of people you are covering. On my plan, those numbers align with single individual coverage. Adding a spouse and/or dependents increases it from there.
LawDawg
I love my HDHP with HSA. Don’t forget that a lot of standard health care is covered 100% even with the high deductible. For example, an annual physical, screening mammogram, colonoscopy (for those of us over a certain age). There is no money coming out of the HSA or my pocket for those things.
This year, for the first time, I hit my deductible (thanks, breast cancer). I was thankful to be in a plan that gave me choices about where to go for treatment. Think about what really happens if you have a medical issue. Would you rather pay out more and be able to pick your specialists or pay less but be stuck in the HMO? I was “lucky” that I had been paying into my HSA for years before this happened. That money was mine and even though the deductible was high, there was plenty saved over the years to cover it. The cost of my medical care all came out of the HSA and didn’t affect other parts of my life and budget.
Anon
I’m sorry! Wish I could edit or delete.. So tired and not reading clearly!
Runcible Spoon
I like your handle! (“I want a lawyer, dog.”)
Anon
Absolutely pick the HDHP, based on the numbers you give you will come out ahead in every situation.
If you put the amount saved in premiums ($400 per month) plus the employer contribution ($500) into the HSA, you will have $5300 in the HSA by the end of the year. Your OOP max is only $3000.
So you are *guaranteed* to save at least $2300 by picking the HDHP over the HMO.
Anon
The premium savings are $400 per year, not per month.
Anon
It’s annual premium, not monthly. So the difference is not that big and there are situations where she comes out ahead with the HMO.
anon
If you don’t have any chronic issues then I would go with HDHP because it’s good for exactly the scenarios you’re trying to cover: preventive care and the one-off emergency. I’m your age and have always used HDHP. I only had one year where I went beyond preventive care because of an emergency surgery. Otherwise I’ve been able to squirrel money in the HSA. It’s grown substantially thanks to investment (zero fee ETF) and I’m glad to have this stash for when I’ll need it in retirement. This formula might change once you add a kid on. I’m child free so I’m not sure how often they go to the doctor etc. I agree with others that PPO is also less limited than HMO. Maybe it doesn’t matter for garden variety illnesses but my dad ended up with an aggressive tumor and was able to travel to an out-of-state institution that specializes in his particular cancer type thanks to the more flexible PPO plan.
Anon
They go to the doctor (for sick visits that aren’t preventative care) constantly, especially for the first few years.
Betsy
Which probably makes the HDHP come out ahead with the lower out of pocket max, assuming those numbers scale equally to a two person plan.
Anon
It depends. Sick visits are usually about $150-200 each before you meet your deductible, so unless you’ve got a lot of kids or a very sick kid, you’d be unlikely to hit a $3k OOP. At least, I’ve never spend that much. But it’s often in the high hundreds or low thousands.
Anon
I guess we are atypical, bc my 3 year old has only had 3-4 sick visits in his life (and he goes to nursery school). He gets sick, but most of it is stuff we can treat at home. (Our older kid with IBD, on the other hand, basically lives at the doctor’s office.)
Anon
Yeah it definitely varies! My kid wasn’t super sickly but was prone to ear infections and strep, both of which require doctor visits for antibiotics every time. I wish antibiotics were OTC in this country but that’s a separate thread.
On the upside she’s never had Covid (that we know of), flu, HFM or a gastro bug. But all of those are normally treated at home.
Anon
An HMO means other people make your decisions for you. They decide which specialists you can see. They decide whether a surgery can be done (TBF, all insurance companies do the latter).
I would never, ever, never go with an HMO. I’m in California, and while Kaiser has gotten much better in recent decades, I would never want to be faced with a life-threatening illness and have my options limited by my health plan. That’s what an HMO versus a PPO is. Limited choices.
Anonymous
if you might TTC definitely do the HSA – my accountant tried to talk me into one when we had just had the baby and I felt like there was no money to be had.
Can I ask – if you’re 37 and you might TTC in 2024, is that because you’re waiting, or just on the fence about kids altogether?
Anonymous
Why is it that some (all?) fundraising raffles are “you do not need to donate to win”? I’m assuming there is some legal background or reason.
Eg. our local public radio says if you donate $X you will be entered in a drawing to win (some donated prize)…but if you read the fine print on the website it says you can just enter without donating.
Anyone know the history? Is it that without the “no donation necessary” it is gambling? Even if all the entries are donations?
Anon
Legally, it’s gambling if you need to donate to win, and the state gambling commission regulates it. That’s an expensive and time consuming process.
For fun, read up on how the NYRR were successfully sued for their marathon entry scheme. They required every lottery entrant (“lottery” = drawing for a bib) to donate to enter the lottery.
https://content.next.westlaw.com/practical-law/document/I9a82436cd4c211e598dc8b09b4f043e0/Updated-The-NYC-Marathon-Class-Action-Lawsuit-Avoiding-the-Risks-of-Running-an-Illegal-Lottery?viewType=FullText&transitionType=Default&contextData=(sc.Default)
Anon
Yes. By making it so you don’t have to pay for an entry, it’s a sweepstakes instead of a true raffle. It’s a lot easier to make a legal sweepstakes than a legal raffle.
Anon
Raffles are a form of gambling and may be subject to masses of (and conflicting) regulation at the state level. If you can enter without payment, it is not gambling.
Anon
Awhile ago, there was a post on women’s podcasts that people were recommending. I listened to one that was by two women targeted toward Gen X listeners, but then I lost the link! Can anyone point me to this podcast again? Or what you think it might be? The one I listened to they were talking about Martha Stewart and her new look. Thanks!
NYC
Was it Forever 35?
Anonymous
I hope not – I tried listening recently and all they did was try to move people to their Patreon. Boring.
Anon
I love Everything Is Fine too. Same target audience.
Anon
It’s probably everything is fine with kim France and Jen romolomi.
Anne-on
It’s probably everything is fine with kim France and Jen romolomi.
GCA
Huh, I had a shirt like this. It was from Gap. In 2005.
Anonymous
I had one in 1985, lol.
Anon
High school, 1982ish.
In-House Anon
I also had a shirt like this from Gap! A few years earlier as I wore it as part of my Very Professional outfit in college — ruffle blouse, black felt knee-length a-line skirt with attached faux leather belt, tall black boots. I loved that outfit (as you can tell, since I still recall it 20 yrs later)…ah, early 2000s – my fashion happy place! (I type, in my WFH sweats…)
Anon
I would swear that today, probably with updated accessories but tall heeled boots and a great belt with a cute top and skirt is pretty classic!
Anon
*wear that, obviously!
Anon
Me too, but I think it was a blue pinstripe from j crew, and after the first wash it never really lay right again and it was not dry clean only. But I still kinda love the look.
Anon
I wore one in 1997 with my platform black slides and long skirt and felt like I stepped out of a Delia’s catalog. It was my mom’s, vintage from the 70s!
Anon
Mine was white in 1982, and I wore it with heavy eyeliner and thought I looked like Chrissy Hynde.
Anonymous
Food travel question. Driving 2.5-3 hrs with a turkey pot pie for thanksgiving weekend. Better to cook pie first and just reheat later or leave uncooked and cook at destination? No cooler so pie is just going in the trunk but weather temps should be mid 50s/low 60s. I don’t want to freeze it just for this drive.
Chl
I think cook in advance but also check with host. Taking up a lot of time in their oven might mess up other plans? I love pot pie!
Anon
I tend to freeze for long drives not because of food safety, but because it makes transport so much easier – much less chance of a mess if it gets dropped or tumbled around in the car.
Josie P
Cook first, then reheat. Those things take a long time to cook and you don’t want to be monopolizing the oven, plus traveling 3 hrs cooked is safer than traveling with uncooked.
Anon
Buy a cooler if you don’t want to risk giving everyone food poisoning. They’re not that expensive. Or at least rig something up so that you can keep it cold (a box with ice packs is probably good enough for that time period).
Anon
This.
If you cook it, cool it completely before transport.
Anonymous
Right. Cook. Cool. Keep cool in travel. Reheat there.
You don’t need a fancy cooler!
Anon
Yeah, most grocery stores sell hot/cold bags big enough for a pie for under $5. Freeze the pie, wrap in the bag, it will be cool for the drive. Much cheaper than food poisoning.
Anon
Anon at 10.11 gave the best advice. Food safety is important if you don’t want to ruin everyone’s Thanksgiving.
It’s easy to cook, freeze, put in insulated bag with a couple of ice packs.
Anonymous
Cook, wrap in foil, amd freeze.
Remove from freezer right before you leave, leave the foil on it, and wrap in a towel before you put it in the trunk.
Reheat before serving.
No Problem
The crust will not have the same texture on reheat, so I would vote for leaving it uncooked if I were going to eat it. But you should check with the host regarding oven space/time. And as the other poster said, definitely pack it in a bag or box with ice packs or ice cubes if you don’t have a cooler. Mid 50s-60s is still the danger zone for food poisoning.
anon
You really need a cooler, I’m sorry to say.
Anon
+1. If I found out the cooked or uncooked version was sitting at room temp for three hours I wouldn’t touch that thing.
anon
Exactly.
Anonymous
OP here. No cooler is possible. It will not be bought so this is not a helpful suggestion. Best case would be an insulated picnic bag.
Filling will be cooked per recipe ahead of time. So it’s either a cooked filling in an unbaked crust or a fully cooked pie, which can be cool or hot when it goes on the road. No issues with oven space on arrival. One reason I asked is because I was thinking that if it’s hot when it goes in the car, by the time it gets there, especially if kept hot in an insulated bag, it should still not be quiet cool and we can reheat more in oven on arrival.
Very basic question of how to best transport this to destination under these circumstances. Nothing is going to be frozen. The only other option is to have the filling cooked and but not fill the pie and do that part on arrival. This can also be kept cooler in the bag cooler.
anon
Then you need to find a different dish, because this is a terrible idea.
Anon
Yep, and the defensiveness makes zero sense since you’re driving.
anon
+1
Anonymous
It’s not defensiveness, it just isn’t helpful to get responses that don’t take into account what has already been stated in the original post: no cooler and no freezing. This is directed to getting feedback that doesn’t say freeze or put in cooler. There was no question about oven space and yet that also got brought up. It’s not a concern.
Anon
Girl, buy a cooler, they’re at the grocery store right by where you’re getting the other ingredients. Don’t poison people. Rules for living.
Cat
you have 40 people telling you you are risking getting other people sick with your plan, so something has to give – either your tr-nsport plan or what you’re planning to bring.
Anon
No, do not do this. Keeping this warm for 3+ hours is unsafe.
Telling us that “it is not a helpful suggestion” doesn’t change the fact that NEED to transport this cold or find a different dish. It stays above 140F or colder than 40F for this trip.
https://www.cdc.gov/foodsafety/communication/rules-of-game.html
Anon
You say you have a bag cooler, so why on earth would you not use it???
If you are this stubborn about flouting basic food safety measures, please at least let the other attendees know so they can self-select out of joining the potential food poisoning fest.
Anon
Agreed, let everyone know how long it has been stored at unsafe temperatures.
Anon
I mean, it’ll be at an edible temp if you cook it and wrap it in towels and drive it there. But it will have spent hours in the “danger zone” where bacteria grows the fastest. It will also be in that zone for hours if you take it cool but not in a cooler because it’ll come to room temp as you’re driving it.
An insulated picnic bag with the cold pot pie and some cool packs should be fine. But I personally wouldn’t let it rest at room temp for hours. Restaurants that do that get shut down!
Anonymous
OP again. Thank you for this helpful response of cold pot pie, cooler bag.
It’s remarkable to me that people make so many assumptions and completely fail to comprehend the question. Physical cooler of any size will not fit in trunk. Can do cooler bag with ice and put in either trunk or car. Can cook or not cook the pie. Can even not put together the pie at all until arrival and just have pre-cooked, cold filling with ice in a bag. Was just asking for what would be best under these circumstances. Y’all don’t need to panic for my fellow pie eaters.
Anon
Best option under the circumstances is cold, cooked filling in the cooler bag packed with ice. Assemble and cook at destination. A cooler could go under your feet, but your pie eaters thank you for considering their stomachs.
Anon
“Physical cooler of any size will not fit in trunk.”
If that’s even true (which I doubt), the cooler goes in the passenger compartment, under someone’s feet or on someone’s lap. Or the crap filling up the trunk gets moved. Or you rent a car for the day that has adequate storage for the trip you are making.
Anon
Good grief! A cooler bag *is* a cooler. Are you truly this dense about semantics?
Anonymous
Idk why you asked for help then. Do you not like the people you are cooking this for? This is prime food poisoning dish. You have to keep it hot or cold. So I would bake it the night before, let it cool and keep it in the fridge, and then put it in an insulated bag well wrapped with ice.
Weird you’re being so aggro in response to helpful suggestions
Anonymous
Holy cow. This makes me sick just thinking of all the bacterial growth. Now I am afraid to eat anything not cooked at home by the hosts this Thanksgiving.
Anon
Pack it cold (cooked or uncooked) in the cooler bag with ice packs. Anything else is unsafe and I would refuse to eat it. I eat food off the floor and past the expiration date all the time, but this is not a gray area!
Anon
Weird AF response. If you must make this, the only way to be safe and have it taste good is to prepare and freeze, transport frozen in a cooler and cook there.
Anon
Weird AF response. If you must make this, the only way to be safe and have it taste good is to prepare and freeze, take it in the car frozen in a cooler and cook there.
Anon
This is not a great place to ask a question where A. you’ve basically already decided what you’re going to do and don’t want to alter your plans based on any feedback you receive – including that your plan is unsafe, and B. you’re only going to find a narrow range of responses/feedback acceptable to you. Next time, just don’t bother asking for advice, and do whatever you were going to do anyway.
Anon 2.0
Why are you so set on giving people potential foodborne illness? You asked and reasonable answers were given.
Anon
Of course a cooler is possible.
Anon
I have a friend like this who loves to be dramatic and act like there is no solution when there is an easy one that everyone else uses all the time. It’s so tiring.
Formerly Lilly
Bacteria multiply rapidly in food between 40 degrees and 135 degrees. Food being held for long periods of time needs to be held at a temperature above or below that range. Sorry you think people are being unhelpful but your plan is not safe. As a current lawyer and a former restaurant manager, I urge you strongly to use your google skills to verify this info and act accordingly. Failure to do so could result in injury to others.
Anon
I can’t believe what I’m reading. People are trying to help you not give food poisoning to your fellow thanksgiving guests. Listen to them and stop being such a dodo.
Anon
When you say “no cooler is possible,” that’s not actually true. We aren’t asking you to assist in a rocket launch to Pluto; you are being asked to obtain a $5 item that is readily available in stores, online, or borrowed from a friend. You do not WANT to use a cooler. You do not WANT to freeze it. However, the real non-negotiable is keeping a dish warm for 3+ hours before reheating and serving, and you think your wants trump food safety needs.
Anonymous
OP again. I feel like people either don’t know how to read or don’t want to read anything that would settle their stomach clutching outrage . I said repeatedly that I could use a cooler bag. This is such a tempest in a teapot because I am talking about a specific hard cooler as not being an option and you and others are assuming I will not use a cooler bag.
But you’re right that I will not freeze a pie just to transport it a max distance of 3 hrs.
anon
The only weird thing here is your bizarrely defensive responses. That you now are trying to claim everyone is unreasonable for failing to realize that “no cooler is possible” OBVIOUSLY only applied to hard coolers and we all should have divined that you were totally open to a cooler bag is laughable.
Anon
We can all see how many times you said that a cooler isn’t an option.
Anon
I’d leave this up to the host tbh. Is there oven capacity to cook fully? I’d yes, cook on arrival. If not, you don’t have a choice.
Anon
Also remember that the trunk will not be 55-60 degrees: like a car, it will heat up more than the ambient temperature. This study was done during the summer, but the principles remain. Consider that the lack of air flow (A/C) means that the trunk may well be warmer than the passenger compartment.
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S095671351200299X
Anon
I used to think that people were being excessive when they refused to eat at potlucks because they didn’t trust other people’s food prep, but then I read a post like this and I think that they might be completely justified about that! It had truly never occurred to me that people would consider feeding other people food that they had left had room temperature for hours!
Anon
I’m not fussy about much but this has always been one of my rules for this reason. No thanks to food poisoning, which is so much easier to get than you’d think. I’m rethinking asking our guests to bring their sides for thanksgiving now, but I don’t think anyone we’re having is as idiotic as OP.
anonshmanon
yeah, I’m usually on the more relaxed side of these debates, but this plan sounds like a gamble even for me.
FP
100%. I am very relaxed about (when cooking for myself) using things past exp dates if they look/smell ok – but omg not when preparing for anyone else at a potluck! This is a disaster waiting to happen. You need to buy a cooler. I have no idea why this is even a question or an issue????
Anon
+1. I’m pretty easygoing about most things but poultry safety is a biggie.
I’m stuck on how a cooler can’t fit. Does she drive a Miata or something? When we traveled for holidays all of us kids had dish(es) balanced on our laps the whole way.
Anon
I 100% do not eat food people have cooked in their homes unless I have personally been in the home where the item was cooked. My housekeeper has told me some horror stories about the kitchens of people she cleans for, and I also have a coworker who inspected home daycares for a living before going back for a grad degree, and had some horrific stories about that. At potlucks, I will eat prepackaged food where I see the packages being opened at the event, and that’s it. Oh, that’s your Grandma Martha’s famous casserole and I just have to try some? NO THANK YOU. Because I don’t know if you clean your kitchen – like, ever – or if you’re like the OP of this thread and think driving for three hours with food at room temperature is completely fine. Who knows where that casserole has been and what’s happened to it in between your kitchen and my mouth? I’ve had terrible food poisoning a couple of times in my life, and do not care to repeat the experience.
Anon
Yeah, I’m very wary of office potlucks now after being in the office kitchen with people who were working on their contributions there…. I pretty much eat the salad I make and some cheese and crackers and that’s it. Fortunately, I have rarely been to a potluck other than at work.
Anne-on
Unless I have been in your home before and seen your cleanliness standards I am NOT eating your food. My family thinks we’re ‘weird’ for keeping alcohol wipes handy and regularly sanitizing probe thermometers/salt and pepper grinders/faucets/soap dispensers (all the stuff you’re liable to touch with dirty hands after you’ve handled raw meat, or stuff that gets used with raw meat).
Anonymous
That’s so weird
Cat
the alcohol wipe part of this is weird. Washing these things with soap properly also does the trick.
Anonymous
I trust soap and water more than an alcohol wipe. And I always wash my hands after touching raw meat, before I reach for the salt and pepper. You can get an automatic soap dispenser and turn on the faucet with your arm instead of your dirty hands. That’s why kitchen faucets are giant levers.
Anonymous
Y’all Americans are so squeamish about the bogeyman of “food poisoning”. Seems like almost everyone has super delicate stomachs around here—perhaps it’s because your gut biomes never flourished with all your food always having to be refrigerated lol. And counters seems to be always being sprayed with Lysol. Wondering if always eating such sterile food is why only Americans are getting tummy troubles while overseas. Notice how the local population does not have issues…even while eating from street vendors. Gasp!
Hey OP— you had said the pot pie will be fully cooked before transporting. I totally would eat your pot pie. Even after it’s been at room temperature all afternoon in your…just warm it up. YUM
—signed, a first-gen immigrant with a stomach of iron. I had a delicious half a sandwich left over from lunch for dinner (had tucked it away in my backpack all afternoon and warmed it up before eating, of course)
PS. Don’t worry. I follow American “food safety” standards while with my white friends and in-laws
Anonymous
This is such a weird and racist flex.
anon
Has anyone tried the Rothy’s Classic Tote and can give a quick review? I’m looking for a laptop bag for work but my laptop is gigantic (16.5 inches diagonal) and this is one of the only bags I’ve found that’s big enough.
Josie P
Does anyone have experience with hormonal migraines? My teenage DD has one this month, started the day before her period, then one day without, then one again today. I have been dosing her with Advil and caffeine, etc. but wanted to know if there’s anything else I should try? I am also going to get her into a GYN since she also has heavy flow, etc.
Anon
Yes, I have menstrual migraines. It’s a known thing. They were worst in my 20s and early 30s and got a lot better after I gave birth at age 32. You should take her to a neurologist. A gyn isn’t a headache specialist.
Anon
Also adding that I can’t take Advil due to allergy, but Tylenol was pretty effective for me in managing them. I had to take it at the first hint of headache though. If I let it become a full blown migraine it was debilitating and Tylenol didn’t fully fix it.
Anonymous
You don’t treat migraines with Advil and caffeine! Yes take her to the gyn and start calling today and also call her pediatrician.
Anon
You absolutely can treat migraines with Advil and caffeine. It can work (not foolproof or for everyone, but for some). That’s from my neurologist as well as from personal experience.
Anonymous
Yes I get horrible menstrual migraines every few months and advil, caffeine, and rest really do help.
Anon
Yeah it’s Tylenol, caffeine and rest in my case, but it definitely worked for me.
Anonymous
I find the combination of tylenol and advil a little more effective
Anony
Ugh, Tylenol does absolutely nothing for me. This is the first time I’ve seen someone say they preferred it over NSAIDs!
Jess
My PCP prescribes sumatriptan. One low dose pill as needed makes them go away. For fewer than nine migraine days a month, maybe a PCP can handle it.
anon
Yes, and it’s miserable. In hindsight, I really should’ve tried a specialist instead of relying on my OB-GYN to try to fix it.
Senior Attorney
+1 to a specialist, who should be a neurologist. I suffered for years and the neurologist had me fixed up within weeks.
Anne-on
I’d get her seen by a neurologist before an Obgyn. Menstrual cycle is a known trigger and the sooner she can get real migraine drugs and work out a treatment plan the better. The meds are SO much better these days but they’ll likely start her on triptans before they move to the newer formulations. If you can push for the ubrevly or nortec I would – the triptans have a not uncommon side effect of making you very sleepy/zonked out).
If she’s under 16 they may need to put her on the ‘kids’ meds which aren’t quite as good – my son has had migraines since he was 7 (ugh) and the newer class of meds haven’t trickled down to childrens yet. We’re eagerly waiting till he’s 16 so he can use nortec/ubrevly.
Anon
+1
headache neurologist is the best
tell gyn and PCP, in case they can help while waiting to get in with neurology
Anon88
+2 a headache specialist neurologist has changed my life. I have migraines triggered by hormones–GYN or GP won’t help nearly as much as a headache specialist
Anne-on
In mod for drug names but the TLDR is call her doctor for a neurologist, Obgyns are not going to be up to speed on the newer drugs. It’s very common for migraines to ‘rebound’ which it sounds like hers are. I’d do excedrine migraine plus caffeine and magnesium/high quality fish oil can also help. Make sure she’s keeping on top of her electrolytes/hydration – those energy gel chews can be really helpful if she’s having a hard time drinking enough.
Anon
Poor kid. Talk to the doctor (not necessarily obgyn) about triptans – actual migraine medication. Nothing else works for my migraine.
anon
In my experience, many GYNs default to just suggesting you go on hormonal birth control if you have menstrual migraine. And that will not necessarily help (although it probably would mitigate heavy flow). I don’t know that I would go straight to a specialist if she’s never had had one before, but I definitely would if it happens again.
Anononon
Chiming in a bit late for this thread, but is she on BCP? I was in the same boat and this was the only thing that fixed it for me (combination pill; mini pill didn’t do shit). I have actually switched to 24 days on / 4 days off on the advice of my GYN because I used to start getting migraines again on day 5 of the placebos. On the pill I can basically function as normal with occasional advil for headaches; off the pill (and I’ve tried to come off it at various points) I get multiple migraines a month all clustered around my period. Figuring out that the pill fixed this was a godsend. Have done the whole neurologist song and dance over the years but nothing worked as well as getting my birth control to just straighten out the hormones rather than trying other things to straighten out the migraine.
For the short term, make sure she is getting enough protein/iron too. Those always seemed to help with my hormonal migraines.
Anon
Not sure if you’d be open to continuous use of a combined oral contraceptive pill, but that’s what works for me. I skip the placebo pills, which prevents the estrogen drop that can bring on migraines. I have a period a couple times a year when my life is chill enough that I can afford to have a migraine.
Anony
Daily magnesium 400mg as preventative.
Anon
Recommendations for a real estate agent in the Denver area? We’re looking to sell a townhome in the suburbs that is going to need significant renovation (mostly to modernize, but probably a few safety upgrades as well). We’re looking to sell as-is and I imagine the only interested buyers will be flippers or possibly young DIYers. The sale will be managed long-distance, so we’ll need an agent who can work with us out of state and take initiative to get things done. TIA!
Anon
I have a great one. Nilmini Hecox with LIV/Sotheby’s.
Anon
Thank you – what made her great, if you don’t mind me asking?
Anon
She’s incredibly responsive and is the type of person who just gets stuff done. Very easy to work with and really listens to her clients.
Anon
Thank you!
ArenKay
Leigh Wilbanks at Compass is fantastic—data focused, responsive, and smart and strategic about pricing for the market. I’ve bought and sold houses multiple times in Denver, and wish I’d known Leigh for the first rounds!
Anon
Wendy Hession at Compass. She’s so caring, absolutely outstanding, and an owner of a brokerage, so she knows her stuff. Cannot recommend more highly.
Anon
Thank you all!
JTM
Tips on finding an accountant for a deceased person’s final tax return? I tried Google and reached out to a few firms but got radio silence, and I don’t want to wait until actual tax season to find someone for this.
anon
Most accountants can do a final individual income tax return, they’re like regular returns. It’s fiduciary tax returns (estates, trusts, etc) that they may not have as much experience with. Did the decedent have a regular tax person? Use that one. If not, use one you like. Not sure why the firms aren’t getting back to you, but could just be bad customer service.
Anon
Any accountant who does taxes can do this, and if the deceased person had an accountant already it may be easiest to stick with that person. Also, note that you’ll have to do a final tax return as of the date of death, and then an estate return (or returns, if the estate isn’t closed in a single calendar year) after that. Btdt recently unfortunately.
JTM
Ugh I had no idea about the estate part – this is why I need someone to talk to!
Do I need a special person to do the estate return?
Anon
No— any accountant can do this.
I’ve had to do this twice, and luckily the deceased in both instances had a tax preparer (not even a cpa in one instance) who was able to do a final return very easily. If the deceased here didn’t have a tax preparer already, you can take your materials to any accountant who does personal returns and they will know what to do.
I’m so sorry for your loss.
Anon
If you have an attorney probating the estate, they can handle this.
Anon
As an attorney that probates estates, I do the state inheritance tax return, but I do not do the last personal income tax return or the fiduciary return for the estate. I have accountants/tax preparers that I recommend to clients to use for this. These are all different types of returns.
NYCer
+1. Attorneys rarely prepare final personal income tax returns for a deceased individual.
NYCer
+1. Attorneys rarely prepare final personal income tax returns for a deceased individual. But yes, any accountant should be able to do this.
Anon
I worked at a firm that would do tax returns, federal and state, for the decedent. However, those that do not will at least work with accountants who do, which solves the OP’s problem of not getting her phone calls returned.
Me
We are in the midst of this right now for my deceased parent. The firm that does my parents’ tax returns doesn’t do estate returns, but they recommended a woman named Nancy Phillips, CFP, CPA in Dallas, Texas (my parents are Texas residents). Email address is nancykphillipscpa at dallastxcpa dot com.
We have just started this process so I cannot comment on whether Nancy is amazing or horrible, but our first email correspondence has indicated she is well organized and has her stuff together.
Anon
Looking for very comfortable Chelsea boots with a higher shaft. I live in the city and walk literally everywhere I go – walk to work, for errands, to go to friends’ houses or to go out (and then am often on my feet after arriving to my destination). I want shoes that are super comfy and I can throw on and know that I’ll be fine walking a few miles + standing a few hours in.
Ideally black, but I could do tan. I prefer leather (real or fake) to suede (real or fake); I’d like a 1-2 inch heel. But, really I’m flexible for all of that as long as they are COMFY and reasonably stylish. Ideally in the $150 or less range, but I have some flexibility as well.
Anonymous
I have Thursday boots in the Dreamer style, and they are really comfortable. Might not be a high enough shaft for you, but check them out.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t find any heel comfortable for the kind of walking that you are talking about, but I love my Ecco boots and traipse around NYC in them.
anon
Look at Ecco. I have some Chelsea boots that fit that description, but I’ve had them a couple of years and don’t know what Ecco has at the moment. I can tell you that the quality is fantastic and they are reasonably stylish.
Greensleeves
I have two pair of Chelsea boots from Thursday and I really like them. I find them very comfortable and they are my go-to footwear most of the time during cooler weather. There was not much of a break in period. However, I have found that I really have to wear soft socks with them – any sort of texture results in blisters. I haven’t had that problem with other boots, so I’m not sure why, but I just make sure I grab socks with a smooth knit and it’s fine.
Anon
nice rec
good collection of classic and current styles
Anonymous
I also have a pair of Thursday Chelsea boots and they are very comfortable. I took them on a trip last winter and walked all around the city in them and they were very comfortable,
OP
I like the look of many Thursday boots, thanks for the recommendation! Glad to know they are comfy too
Sasha
I have a pair of black Marc Fisher ankle Chelsea boots that are absolute workhorses–I’d assume he has something with a higher shaft as well
Flats Only
If Birkenstocks work for your feet try their booties – I have a pair of the Stalon boots and can walk/stand all day in them.
Anon
I recently got the Hush Puppies Amelia and love them so much they are the first shoe I have owned that I don’t want to kick off my feet as soon as I get in the house at the end of the day. So incredibly comfortable.
anonmi
Look at the Blundstone 1448 – they’re a bit above $150, but super comfortable.
OP
I have Blundstones and LOVE them, but I want something more elevated too.
anon
I would check out Blondo. I don’t have the chelsea boots specifically, but when i lived in chicago, their boots were my favorite for longer walks.
Anon
I have cole haan boots like this — a bit pricier but I’ve worn them pretty much every day November-March for 3 years and am about to do so for year 4 with no plans to replace.
anon
Look at Aquatalia. They are pricey, but are investment pieces and will last with good care and are waterproof. This month a lot will go on sale, so you may get lucky.
Anon
With that much walking a $150 pair of leather boots isn’t going to last very long.
Anonymous
Kodiak Alma boots
Anon
I just started a new job and I want a new work bag (at my old job I was using a company-branded bag, which I’d like to stop doing).
I walk 12 minutes to work, and I’m okay with either a tote or a backpack. Office is business casual; I don’t want a bag that looks like a gym bag but it doesn’t need to be super polished either; though I do want something that’s attractive (I’d like it to be nice enough looking to bring straight on a first date, out to dinner with my friends, etc. directly from work). It needs to carry a laptop 2x a week, my lunch, and gym clothes 2-3x a week (but not shoes, toiletries, a towel, or makeup – I leave that all at the gym). Ideally something that’s ~$100, but I can be flexible.
I know the Nordace bags get a lot of love here, but I don’t love the look. I like the functionality of a lot of Beis bags, but also don’t love most of their styles.
Anon
I switched from a tote to a backpack this year and it was life changing. Sooo much easier and more comfortable to haul around a bunch of stuff.
Anon
Any particular backpack you all recommend? I have a 16″ laptop that I need to carry for work. (Not the OP)
anon
Funny how this weird twinge in my shoulder completely disappeared when I started using a backpack! I really like the Kenneth Cole Sophie pack. Has a ton of pockets and manages to look decently sleek. I even found it in a pretty aubergine color, which is a nice change from black while still passing as a neutral.
Anon
Do you know if that Kenneth Cole backpack fit a 16″ Macbook Pro?
anon
It fits my 15″ HP laptop but I haven’t tried it with a Macbook.
Anon
I just ordered this! I needed something other than my clunky Swiss Gear one and this looks great. Thanks for the rec!
Anon
I just ordered too! Thanks! Hopefully will fit my 16″ Macbook Pro!
Anon
Do you wear the mythical desk-to-dinner outfit Cosmopolitan magazine always talked about?? No specific recommendations but if you’re going with a tote then choose nylon over leather. Leather will be too heavy with all that gear.
anon
That is a lot of stuff for a work bag. I have a few recommendations for $100 or less but no way would they hold all of that.
anon
Adding: Can you carry your lunch in a separate bag? That might make this more doable.
Anon
This is what I do. Separate lunch bag for lunch and snacks. Tote for laptop, chargers, water bottle, pens, etc.
OP
Ah so while I carry my lunch, laptop, and gym clothes in my work bag I don’t bring anything else with me to work (aside from keys, phone, wallet). Chargers, pens, notebook, mouse, water bottle / coffee mug, advil, snacks and the like are all kept at work. So it’s just running shorts, sportsbra, and tank top (which fold up small), a tupperware for lunch, and my laptop.
Anonymous
It’s not the cutest or most current (but I don’t think it’s ugly either!) but I went back to using a Longchamp as my work bag this year and I love it. I always thought I needed a structured tote for work, but I find the unstructured Longchamp holds so much more – I easily fit laptop, lunch, and gym clothes into mine. Easy to travel with too.
Anon
Tons of women commuting in NYC use these every day (including me). They are great!
Anne-on
Madwell has really good bags for the price and their 40% off sale is active. I’d start there.
Anony
I have an Ogio Newt 13 backpack that I used to use for my work commute (in before times), as my carry-on for business travel, and for trekking back and forth in a shipyard. It’s amazing – dedicated fleece-lined laptop pocket, tons of inside pockets, super comfortable, and has a slim profile so it’s fits well on my back. I’m not sure if they make them any longer but I’m seeing some Newt 15s and Newt IIs online as various places. Mine is neutral black/dark gray so really works with everything. I’ve had good luck with Ogio products, in general over the years.
Anonymous
I used a Longchamp tote bag for years, but when I needed to add my heavier laptop, I found I needed a backpack rather than tote. After trying and returning a bunch of backpacks, this is one I landed on and now use with satisfaction: https://www.fjallraven.com/us/en-us/bags-gear/backpacks-bags/laptop-bags/ulvo-23?v=F23301%3a%3a7323450488994
Anon
I have some Thoughts after reading the turning-to-goo post late yesterday. I have one parent currently on home hospice for cancer and the other at home still, still driving, largely OK for shopping and simple meals. I fly in monthly since caregiving is new to dad and his cooking is on par with my teens. I have a sibling who lives far away and has small kids and an unhelpful ex, so she will likely just come for the funeral and isn’t available for caregiving. My job is 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off, so when goes to being just dad, it will be hard to get up there should he have a crisis during my 2 weeks on (there is a chance I can work remotely some, but it’s easier and better for giving it my full attention if I don’t), it could take me two weeks to get there. I know one set of neighbors (also old) and have the numbers of a second set of neighbors (who could go over, look in the window, get talked through where to find the extra key). Realistically, what I’m now knowing is possible is that I do find dad turned to goo (or the neighbors do). I guess since this happens, are there hazmat cleaning places you can call? Or do I plan to stay for weeks and get a lot of bleach and try to clean this myself? I feel like in some place like The Villages this shouldn’t happen due to people being in a neighborhood designed for this (vs rural PA where your kids have moved away and you have outlived your friends and you were from rural Indiana and left there to to to PA 50 years ago, so there isn’t really a place to go back to and you haven’t wanted to follow your kids). It is going to be hard after mom’s eventual funeral to turn dad loose and hope that he hasn’t had the fight go out of him from all this. Ugh. I love my old people but they are a different handful than my teenagers.
Anon
You do not worry about this now and call Hazmat companies. If it happens, you will figure it out then. You will take time off work and take care of it. Please do not spend your life worrying you are going to be calling Hazmat when the time comes.
anon
Jeebus, this is a lot for a fashion message board on a Friday morning. I was hoping the conversation was over yesterday.
Cat
I think you should focus your concern on regular and predictable contact so that it’s more obvious if something is wrong in the first place, rather than contingency plans for goo.
Anon
Yes. You can have daily contact without being able to visit in person. Then you’ll know immediately if something is wrong.
Anne-on
This. Even my very stubborn late-70s parents/inlaws who are in bad health understand the request for a daily check in text/call. Aren’t there also life alert type devices that he can press once a day? Or can you ‘drop in’ with an alexa type device?
Anon
Heavens, if he has a smart phone, buy him a FitBit or Garmin and set it up to regularly sync. Friend him on the app so you can check in on him. Dad walked 10 steps today, maybe I should call to see if he’s okay.
Anon
I easily set up daily check ins with my Dad after my Mom died, and I loved the Alexa devices for easy access. I could see him in his bed!!
OP, I am so sorry about your Mom.
just focus on her for now, and supporting your Dad. it will work out. one step at a time. I’ve been in the same exact situation. Try to live more in the moment. You and your Dad will get through this.
Anon
I think this will also work with an Apple Watch. It will call 911 for you if it notices the wearer has lost a pulse or similar. I just read an article about how someone was saved in this manner (not an elderly person either).
Flats Only
This. A predictable daily or every other day call/text, with him knowing that if he doesn’t answer/respond within a certain amount of time (12 hours? 24 hours?) you’ll be calling local authorities to do a welfare check on him. Plus a life alert or other device so he can “self rescue” if he needs immediate help due to a fall, etc. If you do wind up calling for a welfare check and he is found deceased, the local coroner will pick him up and contact you (make sure your contact info is on his fridge or something). You can have him sent to the funeral home of your choice. So no need to plan ahead for a grim discovery.
Anon
Here is a logistics question — when there is a car in the driveway but no response when the police do a welfare check, do they break down the door? And if so, how does the door get repaired (assume that they do find someone dead inside)? Like I am not sure what to do with an unsecured house when I live several states away (and my older relatives are in a rural area, so bears and other animals will come in if there is food out in a kitchen or trash cans have food waste in them).
UGH UGH UGH
Anon
Here is a solution: a door that can be operated via one of those numerical door locks. Give the police your code if there is no answer.
Anon
+1 to door with code, or I believe you previously mentioned a spare key in another comment – you could direct the police to the spare key. Or, get a lockbox and keep it near the front door and tell the police the code to that.
Anon
Yup, you keep a spare key in a lockbox and give the police the code.
anon
For my father, the town he lives in actually has a senior services division (check your Dad’s State/regional Department of Aging benefits/services next time you are there). When my Dad was widowed, and he had very serious medical problems, he was assigned a case manager/social worker by the village who checked in once or twice a year – either visiting him at home or calling (during COVID). They updated him on all the free/subsidized services he qualified for and we added them on as he needed them…. if he would allow them (!). This included free/subsidized home visits to help with cleaning/errands, shuttle service to local physical therapy appointments, meals on wheels, taxi vouchers and more …. and the Police sent over an officer to install a tiny lock box outside of his front door that only the police/EMS have access to, and we kept a key inside that. So not necessary to break down the door. Police/EMS can always get in.
It sounds like your Dad is in ok health, yes? There is no need to panic. Many, many elderly and disabled and fragile patients live alone, and many don’t even have family. You sound like an amazing daughter and you can handle this. Your panic and stress dealing with your Mom’s situation is overflowing onto your worry about Dad, and honestly….. I was exactly the same way. It is so hard and stressful. I’m so sorry for what you are going through.
So try not to stress him out now by worrying about this stuff. He will need time to get through now. In the future, you can slowly introduce topics.
It can be useful to clarify finances, powers of attorney, medical powers of attorney, beneficiaries….. But don’t stress about it if they are unwilling to do it. Honestly, It is enough just dealing with the cancer.
My Dad couldn’t deal with it when my Mom was dying, and it was rough …. but all worked out ok in the end. And it motivated him to allow us to help arrange his finances better after she died, when he realized how complicated (and expensive…. ) dealing with all of that stuff can be.
Anonymous
We had to call for someone once and the police asked if we wanted them to break the door down. We ended up getting a hold of a neighbor with a key who opened the door for police. After that, we kept a key in a lockbox with a code nearby.
Anon
No, you check in with him frequently and call for a welfare check if he doesn’t respond, well before he turns into goo.
Anonymous
This.
Anon
I agree with the posters above that you need to focus on caring for your parents and not worry at all about this. It probably won’t happen, and if it does, it’ll be far in the future. You’re borrowing trouble at this point.
But know that if you do have to deal with it, yes there are companies that come handle the clean up.
Trigger warning for suicide
I have an acquaintance whose husband died by suicide in their house. Her friend called a company that came and cleaned everything that would be disturbing or a biohazard. They actually did it all very quickly and compassionately.
Anon
I have a friend who died after falling and hitting her head getting out of the shower and was dead in her bathroom for close to a week before she was found. Similar to what happened to Bob Saget (most likely) but he was found sooner.
Let me assure folks that the trauma around the death and late discovery of a loved one far exceeds the practical considerations of “who’s going to clean this up.” You can call people for that, and in my friend’s case, her family did. I do not know the details of it because I didn’t want to ask; I wanted to remember my friend differently.
I am sorry for the OP of yesterday’s thread, who seems to have Big Feelings about what her partner has to deal with in his job. But A. this is not the place to try to cope with/work out those anxieties. And B. OP of that thread, your partner has a choice to do that work or go do something else. If he’s significantly disturbed by what he’s seeing in the course of doing his job, he needs to seek out therapeutic resources that are (hopefully) offered by his employer, or change careers. You posting here shaming people for not shaming their parents into creating an eldercare plan does absolutely nothing for anyone, anywhere. Well – I guess maybe it gives you a momentary dopamine hit that makes you feel better for a few minutes. But please don’t chase your dopamine hits at the expense of everyone else.
Anon
Amen to this. If yesterday’s OP can’t handle her partner’s career choice, she needs to do something about that, not yell at internet strangers. Which isn’t going to be very productive anyway!
Anon
The local police department will have contact information for companies who do this sort of cleanup. It’s not a DIY thing.
Anonymous
Ignore the unhelpful fear mongering post from yesterday.
Keep in regular contact with your dad via FaceTime, text or phone calls. You can even set a daily check in time if that helps ease your mind. If he doesn’t answer/respond you call authorities for a welfare check. If you tell them that you usually hear from him everyday or every second day and haven’t heard for 12/24 hrs past the normal time – they will do a welfare check.
They don’t wait weeks to respond.
I really hate how much unnecessary stress that post yesterday has caused.
Anon
I skipped over most of the post and am glad I did. I’m in two complex elder care situations and that sh*t is not on my radar and it will not be. Word to the wise, do not let anxiety about the what-ifs consume you in elder care. It’s hard but vital to your sanity.
anon
Yeah I was late to that post, but that situation while very, very sad is for people who don’t have anyone looking out for them either nearby or far away. It does not sound like this will be your dad’s situation – if you care enough to ask this question and to visit every 2 weeks, then you care enough to call daily to check in on him.
I have several EMT friends, they all have horrible stories of finding people badly decomposed. But, it takes time to become that decomposed; if someone is checking in regularly it won’t get that bad. If you check in regularly and don’t get a response, you call for a wellness check and police will show up within hours.
Anon
I’d worry about this with DH’s family. He talks to them, but it’s more monthly. We are the only one of his siblings who has kids. Of his 10 first cousins, only he and one other cousin have kids. These people don’t have a history of keeping up anything but sporadically and periodically get caught up in their own lives (so it may be seasonal contact for some of them). There are books for taking care of babies but nothing on aging that seems to be a go-to.
Anon
Can he not start calling more often? Or even just sending a text each morning saying checking in and ask them to either respond or “like” the message? If he’s too likely to get caught up in his own life, could he set an alarm each day to contact his parents?
Anonymous
I thought it was incredibly unkind given that someone had posted in the morning thread about her ongoing guilt over her own parent being found in this state.
Anon
I thought so too. A-hole move by that poster, if you want my honest opinion.
Anon
I thought so too.
Anon
Don’t borrow trouble.
Anon
Wow I missed yesterday’s post, but wow.
Even on your two weeks of working, can you (or if you can’t your sister or your kids or someone) just call your dad every day or every other day for a quick check in? Can you get your dad a lifealert? If your dad is part of a faith community, can you ask the clergy for a somewhat regular visit?
It doesn’t have to be 2 weeks of visiting followed by 2 weeks of non-contact.
Then if you don’t get a response to your calls / texts / check ins, you call the neighbors and/or police for a wellness check. If he’s dead or alive but unwell, you fly out even if it’s your 2 weeks on work.
Modern versions of lifealert track more than just hitting the panic button if you’ve fallen and can’t get up; they can track movement and other metrics and notice if there’s a deviation from normal and alert someone.
Anon
There are any number of technology solutions to this problem in addition to (or in lieu of) a daily phone call. Once the time comes, you can research those.And even small towns have a service (whether law enforcement or otherwise) that will allow you to ask for a wellness check. Your parents’ doctor can be a good source of information for places so small they do not have a government department dedicated to aging.
It is really easy to fixate on the worst case scenario but you will make yourself crazy doing it.
Anon
Most counties have offices of aging, and they have set ups to contact and connect to people by phone every day. When my mom was in her 90s she was a volunteer caller and loved her “old ladies.” She was quite friendly with many of them. She had training on how to escalate if one of them didn’t answer the phone for the check in call.
Anon
There are definitely companies to assist with this. The local law enforcement or funeral home will be able to put you in touch with them. I think the post yesterday was an extreme. OP, it sounds like you are very involved with your parents. It doesn’t sound like you are the type of go weeks (even your two weeks working) without talking to your father. I would try to convince him to do daily or every other day calls. A life alert type of device is ideal here (if he will actually wear it, which can also be a battle). I would also consider lining up contacts with the neighbors in advance in case you can’t reach him for some reason. There are also a lot of in home help providers that could be of assistance. You would hire someone to come in a couple of times a week to help with cleaning/laundry/cooking/etc. That would get you another set of eyes on him. With all of that being said, I agree that old people can be a handful and often do not want to leave their homes and give up their independence even if they should do so for their own safety. I have zero qualms about saying to them, “please wear your life alert/set up a time each day to talk to me/accept help/consider moving into assisted living because I don’t want to think about you getting hurt and laying in your house for hours or days injured/dead.” Sometimes they need that reality check to convince them to accept some help.
anon
I recently read a book about a company that does biohazard cleaning. It was called Aftermath, Inc. ServPro is another one.
Anon
I know therapy is often thrown out as an answer regardless of the question. But, I think you could benefit from either therapy or connecting with an eldercare service / agency for the aging. This is a stressful time for all children of aging adults, regardless of the distance. However, it seems that the distance and difficult logistics are adding to your stress; I’d recommend therapy for dealing with stress and for having someone to talk out possible solutions and roadblocks with. You may also find a support group for dealing with aging parents where you could talk about your stress and also learn solutions to concerns from others’ experience.
I’d also recommend connecting with your parents’ county’s agency for the aging to find out what types of services may exist. Even rural PA counties are likely to have them. If it helps your peace of mind to have answers to all of the hypotheticals, however unlikely or gruesome they may be, this agency can help you find answers specific to your parents’ area. They may also have a drop in / companionship program or a wellness check program (in addition to the police). If not a specific agency, then the county’s agency of human services will have an office on aging. Additionally, there is the PA Department of Aging.
As for this specific concern: as stated here there are a few good options. The first is regular contact (even if it has to be scheduled) with your dad and the second would be a wearable device that can track his movement that you can monitor. Either way, you’ll know if something has happened and you can call for a wellness check. This way, he’d likely be found in ~12-48 hours (depending on both how regularly you check in with him and how wellness checks work in his area); even in the hottest of summers that is not long enough to become “goo”. You can install a keypad lock on the door or a lockbox for a key so that the wellness checkers can access the house without knocking down the door.
anon
I would leave a spare key with the neighbors your Dad trusts.
And I would give your father a lot of space and time when your Mom passes.
It is incredibly traumatic for everyone, of course.
And you will want to protect him even more.
But now he has lost so much, and telling him to move right away to the Villages will tell him you want to take away his home, his freedom….. his life. Of course, that is not what you want, but that is what he will here.
Your Dad is doing amazingly well.
My father was disabled and couldn’t do any of the practical things you say your father is now doing for your Mom. You are incredibly lucky. He is stronger than you think.
Support him by encouraging he to consider a caregiver/cancer spouse support group NOW….. which can help him tremendously in the months to come, and after your Mom passes. Or if he has any friends who are widows that he is still in touch with, reach out to them and encourage them to keep in touch with your Dad. Unfortunately, my father’s male friends were terrible at supporting my Dad…. everyone ran way in fear, and abandoned him after my Mom died.
I’m so sorry you are going through this.
You don’t need to worry about the aftermath of your parent’s death.
People will help with all of that.
I encourage you talk with the Hospice social worker next time you visit.
They may allay some of your fears with practical suggestions, for you and your father.
Anon
I’m pretty sure I have PMDD. Every month like clockwork it’s like a turn into a completely different (insane, depressed, anxious) person the week before my period. It’s not just crankiness, it’s extreme irritability about little things. I feel like a bloated whale, have body dysmorphia, and feel panic and anxiety ramping up. I also question (and majorly doubt) every decision I’ve ever made in my life. It’s like a giant black cloud is looming over me and I can’t imagine it getting any better. Needless to say, this is challenging for me and for my family and close friends, all of whom have commented on the monthly changes.
This is so not the normal me! I am usually a calm, fairly positive person. It’s really wreaking havoc on my life. I’m going to see a doctor about this, but curious if anyone else has dealt with this and how you coped.
Anon
Good for you getting this checked out. It’s not normal and can very likely be treated. Good luck!
anon
Badly? No, the answer for me was going on a low-dose SSRI. I started out by just taking it during the luteal phase, per my doc’s recommendation. That is a known course of treatment but it caused a lot of ups and downs and it was hard to feel adjusted to the med. Now I take the low dose all month long. It didn’t fix everything, but it is much better. Previously, I was honestly worried about myself because the fog was so bad and I was having some very … disturbing thoughts.
anon
Also, I just want to say that I am so sorry you’re dealing with this. It is hellish, truly, and people don’t really understand unless they’ve experienced it, too. I hope you can find a treatment that works for you. When it gets this bad, I would encourage you to be open to pharmaceutical intervention.
Anon
My doctor prescribed Lexapro for this and it helped.
Betsy
You didn’t mention birth control, but if you are on birth control I would consider switching to a different formulation to see if it helps. I had used nuva ring for years without issues, but then my doctor wanted me to try a pill to see if it would help with other medical issues. It sent me into a spiral every period like you describe. Once I switched back, and then also later when I got off birth control, I never had similar problems again.
anon
Birth control also caused issues for me. Ironically, I went on it partly to “even out” my hormones so I’d be less prone to PMDD. It did not work, though I know it has for others. Sucks that so much of this is turning your body into a giant experiment to figure out what works.
Anon
Me! Mirena has been a lifesaver but I also started Vit D (winter gets to me too) and when I was TTC I realized my PMDD was way better than pre-Vitamin D.
Anon
Starting the pill! I had awful PMDD and birth control got rid of it like magic.
NYNY
This was one of my early perimenopause symptoms. I was shocked by the rage I felt at commonplace annoyances, and then two days later my period would show up. Not sure if you’re in peri age, but it’s a possibility. Once I recognized the pattern, I tried to be mindful of when I was feeling on edge and would work to avoid stressful situations and remind myself that my reaction was being tweaked by hormones. It wasn’t a perfect solution, but it helped.
Anon
Came here to say severe irritability/depression around my period was one of my lightbulb moments that I was in perimenopause (having 2 periods in a month was the other one). Hang in there OP and try to get an appt with your gyn. Mine started me back on the pill (at 37 and after a bisalp) and things are okay but not great. I’m going to ask for a different formulation at my next visit.
Anokha
Only hugs — I am in my early 40s and feel the same way. I have described the week before my period as feeling like I am turning into a werewolf, and needing to be locked away to not cause harm to others with my rage.
Carrots
I had similar symptoms (body dysmorphia and anxiety are heightened mostly, but I also find myself super irritable and fatigued) . As part of a larger conversation with my therapist and my psychiatrist, we added a Prozac prescription that I take as needed on top of a daily wellbutrin prescription.
I also had that black cloud feeling. I describe it as a thick tree canopy over top of me – I knew there was sunlight and a sky up there, but everything was so thick, that I couldn’t see it. The meds help to clear out the tree top a bit – it doesn’t take it all away, but it’s now more like a nice woods versus a dark forest of gloom.
Anon100
A friend of mine has PMDD and she wrote a book about it, coming out early next year. Not sure if I’m allowed to promote her book here, but all I can say is that you’re not alone!
Anon
PMDD is awful. For me personally, psych meds and birth control were not the solution, but a few supplements (zinc and magnesium, since I tested deficient in both, and methylfolate/Deplin) prevent this for me. If I understood the doctor, PMDD has something to do with progesterone withdrawal symptom and apparently lower progesterone levels make it worse which is why birth control just sort of spread out the anxiety all month instead of helping.
anon
I was another person not helped by psych meds, and birth control had so many other downsides for me that it wasn’t worth it (okay, I’m not depressed but instead I never want s*x and I’ve gained 20 pounds! fun!). Cognitive behavioral therapy (I did a fairly short course – about 3 months) was what helped me.
Anon
It’s hard for me to imagine cognitive behavioral therapy addressing PMDD, but I’m glad it did!
Anon
Hugs and empathy. This was me, too, and on top of feeling like a total monster each month I then felt horribly guilty about how difficult I was to be around. My solution was SSRIs. Little things did little things: yoga, upping my water intake, taking a multivitamin, etc. But SSRIs helped me substantially.
Anon
I’m sure someone here knows this. Why are there franchises? Specifically, why might a company want to grow via franchises vs opening its own stores? I guess some companies do both. Starbucks, I think, is all company-owned stores. Other places (fast food restaurants) are largely all franchises. Car dealerships are all franchises, I guess, except Tesla, which I recall was a big stink in New Jersey (but I don’t understand why, except that NJ has weird laws (can’t pump your own gas, but you do have a right to privacy in your trash, which is at odds with the laws of all other states and DC). Anywho, this is my budget MBA-type question for the day.
Lily
Lower profits but also lower risk? Less liability?
Anonymous
I’m a lawyer with zero business understanding but this is very intuitive to me. The company assumes less risk. They profit initially and going forward if the franchisee is successful. Theoretically, the franchisee is incentivized to make the business successful in a way that an employee managing the store is not because there is a greater upside and downside.
My mom runs a franchise business. It’s amazing to me that she’s been so successful with literally zero background in business or in business generally. I’m a pretty big believer in this business model and I think people should consider them as an option for non college bound kids. My mom’s cost about as much as a private school education and predictably nets her a six figure income.
Anon
interesting
thanks for sharing
Anon
Interesting. Do you mind sharing the type of business? I have a kid who might do better just working than being a college student.
Anon
This is my understanding of what the best use case of owning a franchise is. It’s pretty much buying yourself/your kid a job.
It’s not a set it and forget it thing, and the owner generally does work in the business full time.
Anon
It’s a different capitalization model to scale. Also, just google this kind of thing.
Anonymous
It’s a different way to raise money to grow a business.
Of Counsel
Franchises work well for businesses without a lot of capital (or who do not want to to into a lot of debt) because the franchisee pays the up front costs. (Using McDonald as an example, think of the costs associated with building or converting the facility itself.) If a specific location does not work out, the franchisee is on the hook for the costs, and often files for bankruptcy while the franchisor is only out the amount the franchisee owes them. A franchise business can expand a lot more rapidly and with much less risk than one where all of the stores are company-owned.
There is also an advantage in that some locations (think particularly Puerto Rico, Hawaii and some rural areas but it can apply anywhere depending on the business) do better with a local touch. This does not necessarily apply to something like McDonald or Starbucks, which value a uniform customer experience, but a lot of franchisors give their franchisees more leeway to personalize.
Some states do not allow car manufacturers to sell directly to consumers. This is purportedly an anti-trust issue but historically an effort to protect dealerships (which are often locally owned) from being driven out of business.
anonshmanon
Here is a recent article on the car dealership thing
https://wapo.st/46kv8Q1
Anonymous
I’ll just note that New Mexico also protects privacy in one’s trash :)
Anon
And on another note that brings together car dealerships, Tesla, and New Mexico: New Mexico has laws that prohibit car manufacturers from selling direct to consumers, which protects all the dealership franchisees. Tesla got around this problem by locating its New Mexico stores on Native American reservations, which are of course plentiful in New Mexico.
Senior Attorney
Fun fact: One of the first cases I worked on when I graduated out of law school was a franchise dispute involving a well-known Mexican fast food franchise chain. In going through the evidence at trial, I came across their secret recipe for salsa, which began something like “First, get 10 bushels of tomatoes…”
Anonymous
franchisees benefit from the established intellectual property, customer awareness and customer expectations when it comes to the franchise. Instead of opening up a mom and pop restaurant that has to figure out the menu over a few months — what people will and will not order, what needs more salt or sugar, what should be a higher price than it is — all of that information is part of what they’re paying for. i’m not sure but i think there’s also sometimes a community amongst the franchisees – i’ve heard of some of the biggest ones that have conferences and i’m sure there are a ton of social media groups.
newlyanon
Looking for recs for a fashion sneaker-for casual workday with jeans, sidelines at kids’ activities, etc. I have size 10 feet and feel like everything looks like a canoe on my feet. I wear ONs right now, but looking for an alternative. THANKS
anon
Ecco Soft 7 sneaker. They do not look enormous on my size 10 feet and are sleeker than ONs.
Anon
Ecco Soft 7 sneaker. They do not look enormous on my size 10 feet and are sleeker than ONs.
Anon
Vejas
Laura
I just got the Veja Rio Brancos and love them.
Anon
Vejas run small. I wear a size 10 and their largest does not fit me.
Anon
Tretorns. I’m a 10.5 and love mine.
Anon
Adidas Sambas always look cool.
3L
Oops I meant to specify that I almost exclusively wear skirts and dresses, if that is relevant
Anon
What are the trendy bag shapes these days? All I know is that my current long strap Kate Spade looks horribly outdated. Help
Anon
For what purpose? I’m not a believer in outdated bags, personally. They’re one of the few things worth getting quality versions of and they can make your outfits interesting, especially when they’re a different shape than what everyone is buying this year. Just don’t go for obvious logos on midmarket bags, like Michael Kors, for example.
Anonymous
I think those little round bags you tuck under your armpit are back in style!
Anonymous
I’ve been liking the look of the Clare V Moyen bag. Hoping for some kind of sale next week.
Anon
If you see a sale on this bag, please post. I am coveting it.
Shelle
I’m seeing a return of bags shaped like the Fendi baguette and croissant. I was so tired of seeing them back in the 2000s but after taking a long break they seem fresh and cute again.
Sasha
Any favorite brands for ski wear? Looking for a jacket + pants or jacket + bibbed coveralls in a cute color or pattern. I usually ski out west 1-2x per season so want something good quality but doesn’t need to stand up to weekly wear and tear. Budget is up to $500 for the set
Anonymous
I have these, in pink/white. I’m 40, skin mostly New England/VT. I have a vintage descent jacket that I will never give up. My daughters think my bibs are cute, too ;).
https://www.montecwear.com/ski-pants-fawk-w-women-light-grey-pink-light-pearl
Friends have really cute pants from Stio but (a) I want bibs and (b) they are a little short for me.
Also recommend a cute OverEasy. I have the OG, my tweens have purple and cheetah.
Anon
I’ve worn Stio Environ kit for the past three years, and it’s going strong with 1-2 weekends per month in the ski season. There’s a good sale right now.
Anon
I like Eddie Bauer pants, Columbia pants and North Face pants. Eddie Bauer has bibs this year (for the first time in a while), but they run quite large with a lot of extra room in the hips and thighs, so they didn’t fit me. I carry my weight in my middle!
Jackets–I like anything with GoreTex. Pants are easy to buy in a less technical fabric (as long as they are waterproof). Your jacket needs to breathe properly for you not to be a sweaty mess. Splurge on the jacket. Stio is a good rec. I do not recommend Eddie Bauer jackets–they don’t breathe well.
Anon
Jumping off the fridge recs yesterday…any recs for a basic, decent quality upright freezer? We’re expecting next spring and want to start stocking up on freezer meals. The freezer would ideally fit in our basement and be available at Home Depot. We don’t need anything crazy or high end, just something that won’t break the bank and will last. Is Frigidaire any good? Appreciate any insight!
Anon
That’s the kind of thing I’d just get on Facebook marketplace for free. It’s going in the basement? Who cares. Freezing is freezing.
OP
My husband is skeptical of Marketplace…. In his words, “why are they giving it away if it still works??” But I have been pushing for this as well!
Anon
FWIW, I give stuff away a lot on there simply because we’re redecorating and something no longer visually works. Not everyone is like the frugalwoods peeps on here ;)
Anonymous
In my case, because the previous owner no longer has a small child. I just got a great deal on a counter step stool/tower type thing.
Anon
I bought one from a friend for $50 over 20 years ago, and it is still going strong, so I would not sweat the freezer. But, I would look for one that has or to which you can add an alarm in case the door is left open, or it is plugged into a GFCI outlet that gets tripped. I’ve lost hundreds of dollars’ worth of meat, once when the door was left open and another time when movers plugged it into a tripped GFCI outlet. Especially if it is in your basement, as mine is, you need the first sign of such an event not to be walking into your home one Friday afternoon and think a large animal wandered into it to die. (Google tells me I can buy an after-market alarm, so I clearly need to go do that.)
Anon
My freezer is about that age (chest style) and is still going strong, but I worry it’s not energy efficient compared to newer models.
It’s moot because I don’t think anyone will be able to get it back up our narrow basement stairs ever again – it barely made it down there and up is harder.
Anon
I dunno-I watched remodelers take out a cast iron tub that the bathroom had been built around; anything can come out if you don’t care about saving it. But short of taking a saw to it, you could remove the door to the freezer and/or the door to your basement to give yourself an extra few inches.
Anon
We removed both doors on the way in and it was still very very tight! The movers said “this aint ever coming out of here” so I believe them!
Anon
You can calculate the difference in energy use if you want to know: https://www.energystar.gov/products/refrigerators/flip-your-fridge
Anon
Thanks! This said $190 in energy savings over 5 years, which made me feel better about keeping this one until it kicks the bucket.
Anon
My experience with stand alone freezers is that they’re much more durable than fridges. I currently have a cheap GE chest freezer that’s been doing fine for 10+ years.
Anonymous
Yep. freezers are much more durable
No Problem
Yeah, literally any freezer will work. The fewer “smart” features the better, because that’s less that can break. If you’re worried about it failing or someone leaving the door open, you can add a temperature sensor and connect to it via an app so you get an alarm on your phone if the temp drops out of your set range.
Anon
I would get a new one rather than used (because a new one is more energy efficient than an old one), and make sure you like the size, color, and layout because it will last for decades.
We inherited an upright deep freezer from my parents and it works great, has very few parts to go bad (they are cheap and easy to DIY when they do wear out), but it is ugly as sin and an awkward fit for its location.
Anon
Appliance standards were last updated about 10 years ago, so definitely don’t get one that’s been sitting in someone’s garage since the 70s (it will use 5-10x more electricity!), but you should be able to get a slightly used one and be just fine.
Anonymous
we ended up throwing away the brand new freezer we bought in 2015 by 2018 or 2019 maybe? there were at least three instances where the door popped open and half of the contents defrosted. i think there was some final problem and we were quoted like $250 to fix it and a new freezer was $500, so we just went with a new one… that sounds a little tinkling alarm if the freezer door is open for more than 2 minutes, and came with a key so we can lock it when we go away on vacation. we have a lot of power outages in my neighborhood, so maybe that was part of why we kept having problems with it.
Anon
We got ours from the Sears Outlet (my mom always called it the scratch n dent store) ~12 years ago at half off because it was scratched on the side. Still going strong. Looks like American Freight has taken over that part of Sears’ business.
Anon
We got a spare frig/freezer at a local scratch and dent store (Google for discount appliances) in 2007. It’s still going strong down in the basement.
Anon
Inspired by the post above: what do you carry with you in your work bag? What type of bag and what type of commute do you have? What do you leave at work?
I have a 30 min walk to work and I carry either a Northface backpack (company branded) or a nylon tote. What bag I bring depends on what I need to carry with me and what any after work plans I have may be.
On Mondays (going to work) and on Thursdays (coming home) I carry my laptop and notebook. I only WFH on Fridays, so I leave that at work the rest of the week. I have a separate computer charger, mouse, phone charger, and headset at work and at home, so I don’t ever carry those things.
I pack my breakfast and lunch about 80% of the time. I usually pack a greek yogurt + fruit for breakfast, a grain bowl or salad for lunch, and a few snacks. I also keep nuts, gum, chocolate, and tea bags at work. I also keep a mug at work for coffee / tea (we have a kitchenette that I can wash it in). Work provides utensils and coffee / tea, but no snacks. I do bring a reusable water bottle with me some days, but leave it overnight at my office other days.
I go to the gym before work, at lunch, or right after work 2-3x a week, so I often pack workout clothes. I keep toiletries, shower shoes, and makeup in my gym locker. My gym provides towels, hair dryers, and toiletries. I always commute (whether it’s a gym day or not) in my gym shoes. On days I workout before work I still wear my work clothes to the gym, then change into gym clothes (gym clothes pack down smaller in my bag, and I can be sure I didn’t forget anything I need to wear to work!).
I keep 2 blazers / jardigans and 1 wrap at work; I rotate them every so often but I pretty much never wear or bring in a top layer (unless it’s also doing double duty as my jacket that day). I keep 5-6 pairs of shoes at work, and only commute in gym shoes. This helps cut down on what I have to bring to work.
As for other things I bring with me, it’s pretty much limited to work badge, wallet, sunglasses or umbrella (if needed – weather depending), phone x2, airpods, and house keys. I keep a small first aid kit, snacks, tampons, lotion, chapstick, tissues, pens, and hair ties / hair clips at my desk so I never need to keep those things in my bag.
All in all, while work stuff, gym stuff, and 2 meals sounds like a lot to carry, I also cut down a lot of what I need to commute with by having a well-stocked desk and gym locker.
Anon
I alternate between a Tumi bag and a casual tote bag from DSW. In the office 1-3 days a week and commute by public transit. I carry: work laptop, work badge, small cardcase wallet, work notebook, an extra hair tie and hair clip, sunglasses, chapstick, a pack of gum, pack of tissues, and an extra sweater or hat/scarf/gloves weather dependent, + phone and earbuds. Honestly my bag is mostly receipts and assorted trash I need to dump (aka tissues and kitkat wrappers).
I don’t do a pre/post office work out, and work supplies breakfast+lunch+cafe+snacks. They also stock period products, so that time of the month I’ll keep an emergency pad around and just stick some advil in my pants pocket for later. My water bottle lives at the office and anything else I can live without for 8 hours.
NY CPA
Because of “hoteling” desk policy, I have never in my career had a place to leave items at the office so if I need it, I have to bring it.
I use a Tumi nylon backpack. On a daily basis I bring: 15″ laptop, power cord, USB hub with mouse and phone cord, waterbottle, wallet, keys, ID badge, eyeglasses, 2 phones, headset for calls (earbuds dont connect to my laptop), a small toiletries bag with essentials, office shoes (commute in sneakers). Rarely also bring my lunch if I have leftovers but this can be very hard to fit in.
During summer also add a sweater that I dont wear while commuting. On rainy days add an umbrella.
Anon
I WFH now so only do this when I have to go into the office or travel but here goes:
Laptop in neoprene sleeve. Laptop cord wound around the brick and velcroed together. Two zipper leather bags – one containing minimal cosmetics, one tab of my migraine medicine, some Aleve, a bandaid or two. The other zipper leather bag has an assortment of chargers and peripherals like dongles.
When I travel-travel, I highly prefer to work on an external keyboard and external mouse vs my built in laptop keyboard & touchpad, so I pack my keyboard in a hard sided keyboard case and that’s in my roller bag. The mouse is turned off and in the tote bag.
If I’m going to an offsite meeting, I bring my ziploc of good earl grey tea bags and the kind of sugar in the raw I like. I can’t tell you how many meetings I’ve been to where they had excellent coffee and a box of Lipton tea bags as an afterthought. If I want to have a good day, I need good tea.
My tote has no internal organization, so I often stick my small crossbody purse in there as well. That way I can leave the big laptop at the hotel or office and just take my little purse to lunch. Little purse would have a card carrier for id & credit cards, a lipstick, a lip balm, a little pack of kleenex, and a small mirror. My glasses/sunglass case and cell phone would either be in the big tote or the little purse depending on what’s up.
That’s it. Sometimes keys if I’ve driven somewhere. They’d be on the bottom of the tote but I never have trouble finding them. If I need a key card it’s in the inner side pocket of my tote.
Anonymous
I carry my work badge, phone, and 2 keys – my car key and house key. My drivers license is in my phone case. I Apple Pay with my phone.
My car key and phone go in my pocket. I don’t carry a bag.
Anon
I have my own office and rarely WFH and can use my personal laptop when I do. I commute about an hour, half walking and half public transit. I carry my phone, wallet, small pouch with emergency supplies, pack of tissues, hand sanitizer, umbrella, notebook/planner, pen, badge, book, and whatever random receipts/napkins/garbage ended up in the bottom of my tote. I bring my lunch often but in a separate bag when I do.
All saints coats
Thinking about waiting for an All Saints sale and buying one of their beautiful coats.
Do they run small? I usually wear small but I am pear shaped and my measurements push me into a medium. i hesitate to order two sizes to try as they are so pricey. But their stocks are low so I worry it will sell out.
Also, what is the best way to stalk it and catch it as soon as it goes on sale?
Anon
I don’t know about their coats but I have one of their leather jackets and got a 4, when I normally wear a 0 on top. I couldn’t even get the 0 on my shoulders. The 4 is a little snug over a sweater and I kind of wish I had gotten a 6, but I was trying on on a tshirt and thought it would be plenty of room. I would definitely size up if you cannot get to a store to try on in person.
anon
Thanks for this. Very helpful tips. Yes, in winter it may be helpful to have some more room to be sure a sweater/layers underneath don’t make it too tight.
I am looking at their beautiful leather jackets and shearling coats, and some will go down to my hips, so I need to assess/balance.
Mrs Luke Danes
I have a lot of fine hair (collar-bone length) that is mostly straight but has enough wave to look terrible air-dried. I’m trying to expedite styling my hair (it takes forever to blow dry so I mostly run out of time and put it in a low bun) and am considering the shark flexstyle or another drying tool. Any thoughts pro or con? Any thoughts on whether they will be included in Black Friday sales?
anon
I have similar hair and love the Revlon One Step.
NY CPA
I have fine wavy hair and my Revlon One Step is the best. It really cuts down on drying time.
Mrs Luke Danes
My hair stylist said it gets really hot – do you find that?
Anonymous
I love my OneStep but I agree that it gets very hot and does damage my fine hair (even with a heat protectant). I am hoping to upgrade to the Dyson or the Shark eventually.
Trixie
I had the Revlon one step, and then bought the drybar version, as the revlon is so so hot. I wish Revlon would fix that! It has one temp, and three speeds. No heat adjustment–why??????
Anonymous
I have similar hair. The Revlon One Step was great but too hot. The Dry Bar blow dry brush is perfect. Dyson Air Wrap with the round brush attachment is also good but too expensive IMO.
Anon
I love my air wrap — I use it with the round drying brush, the other drying brushes, or as a regular hair dryer. It is insanely expensive, and I never would have bought it but I got it as a gift. If I lost it I would absolutely buy it again immediately though.
Mrs Luke Danes
I didn’t realize you could use it just as a regular hair dryer – like just for a rough dry? That might put me over the edge :)
Winter Anon
Recommendations for affordable ski pants and maybe a ski jacket? I am usually no fan of winter, but am trying to embrace it this year (a tip I got from this board!). There’s a ski hill about 45 minutes away from where I live, and I have gone a few times over the past few years and would like to go a little more regularly. I’m not a great skiier and have no plans to go out west or even to Vermont, just some very basic eastern PA skiing.
In the past I’ve gotten by with rain pants worn over layers, but this year I’d like a pair of ski pants. I don’t need anything fancy, and I don’t want to pay a ton. With black Friday coming up, I thought I’d ask here for recommendations for decent winter weather brands that won’t break the bank.
I plan on starting with ski pants for now, but eventually will probably get a ski jacket, good gloves, ski socks, a helmet (will rent until I purchase one!).
In addition to skiing, I plan on running and hiking outdoors throughout the winter, so appreciate any recommendations for brands or specific products for winter trail running, road running, and hiking.
Anon
I would say that in general, Columbia is a decent brand for affordable ski wear. It’s not quite as premium as other brands, but would be good for occasional use. You might also check out the Worn Wear section of the REI website if you’re open to used items.
Anon
Also, kudos to you for making the most of winter! Wish more people would do that – skiing is the most fun there is.
In-House Anon
+1 to Columbia, and I ski regularly. It’s good, solid stuff, if not particularly “cool”.
NY CPA
Lands End or LL Bean. Take a look at the Black Friday discounts.
Anon
In addition to the other brands, you can also check store brands at REI and EMS (which apparently still exists).
Anon
Poshmark is great for this sort of thing. I spent $30 last season on a pair of barely used Mountain Hardware fleece-lined pants that are perfect for snowshoeing.
Anonymous
I’m a big skier. Buy used off Mercari or whatever. FWIW I’d just buy the helmet now- and I’m cheap.
Trixie
I suggest ebay. I just outfitted a young women for $160 on ebay–great quality jacket, snowpants, helmet and goggles. Look for good brand names, and if possible, Goretex fabrics…they breathe. Search for womens ski jackets and your size–you will find a lot of them! Put money into good gloves or mittens with room for a handwarmer, a little pocket that keeps the handwarmer away from your skin. and good socks, mostly wool, and good long underwear. For general winter outdoor pants, I love the sporthill pants. They are warm, block wind, can fit long underw@ar under them, and are good for hiking and snowshoeing.
Anonia
I love Eddie Bauer’s fleece leggings-the crossover trail I think. I usually wear fleece leggings, gaiters if there’s snow, and winter hiking boots for snowshoeing and hiking. I add yaktrax for more traction if it’s slick. Only if it’s really really cold or I’m going way it to the middle of nowhere do I wear snow pants. They are not very flexible and constantly slip down, so I avoid them if possible.
Anon
Eddie Bauer for pants. Their pants come in petites and talls and plus and regular. They are really great! Recommend.
Gloves I would try on in-store. Helmets are seriously gross to rent–your head sweats a lot. Just buy one at REI on sale. They have lots to choose from.
REI outlet or Sierra Trading Post are good places to get great deals on new gear.
Nora
For peoples who received money from their parents or are doing so for your kids – how much do you concern yourself with it being “equal” for each child? I saw some AITA posts i was surprised by.
For example, if you paid for your kids college and one kid went to grad school and the other didn’t? Or if you paid for weddings and one person got married but the other didn’t?
Cat
not every year will be equal nor is it always equal what the use of the money is for, but overall balance is def a thing in my family. Like one of my siblings graduated a semester early from college and so my parents put that money toward their first year of grad school, when otherwise we were on our own for financing post-grad education. My grandparents paid for their girls’ weddings and so they bought their boys cars.
Anon
I have not had to deal with this with my own parents, but in the case of my grandparents, the estate was divided equally between the children, without any concern for what had or had not been done for those children during their lifetimes.
And honestly, I am more than a little astonished by the number of families, where people are apparently keeping a running tab of how much money each person got. In my family this would be essentially impossible to keep track of. My brother may have had his grad school paid for, but my father provided endless amounts of free childcare to my sister. My sister is the one who is driving him to his doctors appointments but I got less financial support because I was the oldest, and my dad in a very different financial position when I was young than he was when my siblings came along. At the end of the day we all love him, and we all love each other, and no one is going to be concerned about whether the finances come out, perfectly balanced.
anon
Yeah, I see the “running tab” thing come up a lot online (here, in advice columns, etc.). We just don’t operate that way in my family. My parents made choices about what things they would pay for but there wasn’t any underlying principal about making sure it would all add up to equal amounts in the end. They paid for my first wedding (fortunately it was under $10k, because that marriage did not last long). They paid for my brother to go to college (community college then transfer to public, so not huge $$ but more than my wedding) but I got a full tuition scholarship to a private university. For me they sent a monthly check to help cover living expenses. Did someone end up with more over the course of their lives? I have no idea.
Anon
Yeah, this is how my family is, right down to the different financial situations from first to last kid (big family). My parents loaned us a few thousand to boost our down payment; they bought my younger sister a car. Several of my siblings lived rent-free at home for a while after college; my mom helped my brother refinance his student loans and saved him a TON of money. I guess it helps that these aren’t massive sums of money to begin with? I feel like feelings are a lot stronger over $50k than $5k.
Anon
I’m an only child with an only child, but my maternal grandparents made sure my mom and her sibling were treated perfectly equally, down to the penny, and my paternal grandparents hugely favored my dad’s sister over him (in many ways, but also in terms of money). I think a middle ground approach makes sense.
Anonymous
So my parents spent 90k on my sister’s wedding and I’m unmarried and over 40. They gave me a chunk of money to use on fertility and might give me more at some point. Not even, but feels fair.
Anon
In an effort to be equal among siblings, my parents said they would pay for 4 years of school and that was it. If it took us 5 years to graduate or if we wanted graduate degrees, that was our problem.
In the end, my sibling studied abroad in Europe for a year during college and then went back to Europe for grad school, and each of those years was about half the cost of a year of US schooling, so they paid for sibling’s graduate year, basically netting about the same cost for each of us. I paid for my graduate degree (in America).
anon
Oh man, I haven’t considered this at all. My siblings and I have an age gap and were raised in different circumstances and all got help with our educations. But, our needs and circumstances were so different and it never occurred to me to compare the costs of getting us launched as adults. I count myself lucky to have gotten the help I received.
That said, if I were to learn of my parents giving one of us a very, very large monetary gift unrelated to our educations or serious need, but not all of us similar amounts, I’d be unhappy.
Anon
I’m in the thick of it. I had 529s for each kid equal to tuition, room & board for a public university in my state. Both chose public universities, which has been great – living the in-state tuition dream!
My daughter graduated with her BA in May and is now in a graduate program. There was some money left in her 529 so all of that is going to her graduate tuition, but there is a gap and for that she is taking loans. She lives here for grad school (one of the reasons she chose the one she did) so I also support her room and board.
My son is in his third year of a UC. He’s on track to graduate in 4 years. He lives in an off-campus apartment with three roommates and if everything next year is the same as this year, we will just scrape by with his 529, maybe a little from our account. In addition to the 529, we pay for his groceries, but he’s a great home cook so it’s not a lot of money. He is my frugal kid.
I pay health insurance and all medical for them, of course (I am self employed so it’s $$$), as well as car insurance (daughter only, son doesn’t have a car at school) and gas and any maintenance on the car.
I came from a poor family and had 100% financial aid, so I’m really grateful to be able to do this for my kids. I have been CLEAR with them since day 1 about what I would be able to pay for. It caused some resentment with my daughter when she was applying to colleges, because her friends’ parents said they could go wherever they wanted to go, but it turns out every single one of her friends are taking on a hefty student loan burden. My daughter graduated undergrad with no loans, and I am really glad I was so transparent with her from the start. Her friends apparently didn’t know they’d be taking out loans when their parents told them to apply anywhere they liked, and I think that is so unfair.
anon
nice job mom
Anonymous
This has been our experience as well. I came from a poor family and had a pell grant for undergraduate and then had a partial scholarship and loans for law school. My daughter went to a state school and will graduate without any student debt. She had a scholarship and we paid for housing, car, etc. She worked during school and paid for her own meals and entertainment.
Emma
On one side, my grandfather kept it completely equal. Kept a tab (rough) and made sure each child and grandchild got the same amount, and that was reflected in his will. On my dad’s side, they try to go more with need – my aunt has a lot of money issues so they help her out more than the others. It’s sometimes frustrating because my aunt doesn’t make the best decisions and is constantly being bailed out, but at the end of the day she does have a bigger need. I don’t think there’s a universal rule on this.
Anon
If you do anything other than dividing the entire estate in equal parts, I think the key is communicating why clearly and in a way that allows people to process, reflect and ask questions (i.e., not only in your will). There may be good reasons (one child has disabilities and will not be able to support herself, for example).
anon
Yes, I agree. My parents have made their will as fair as possible, but because of ownership of farmland, it is not completely equal on paper, as my brother is farming said farmland. My parents were so, so worried about it not being perfectly equal and whether that would be interpreted poorly by the other siblings. So they talked to us about it, a lot. My dad made it very clear that if we’re pissed, talk to him about it now, while he’s alive, rather than being resentful once he’s gone.
Anonymous
This is perfect. Kudos to your parents.
Anon
+1000000000
My brother and I are estranged over this issue (his choice). I got more and even gave him a large portion of what I received, and he still won’t speak to me.
Anon 2.0
Equitable doesn’t necessarily mean equal to me. I moved 1200 miles away and I have 2 siblings who live where we grew up. These siblings provide my grandmother with a lot more help than I do and I suspect it will be this way with my parents as well. Should I receive an exactly equal inheritance as they do? Probably not. Equitable would be for them to receive more imo if they continue to ask in the capacity they do now in regards to help.
Anon
I think it’s best to set expectations ahead of time: you will pay for X amount of school, with whatever conditions (stay off academic probation?). Calculate in a dollar amount or in years – IMHO, dollar amount is better (kid who save son undergrad can use it for grad school; no one feels “punished” for working hard and getting merit aid).
Regarding weddings, I think it’s best to give a set amount, no strings attached. I went under and used the difference to pay for my kid who came along the next year (delivery, maternity leave, health insurance, daycare); my sister went way over.
When all that is known ahead of time, it’s hard to feel bitter. The point of treating kids equally is to avoid hard feelings and alienation.
Exceptions exist, of course, for kids with very unusual needs. I know a family wherein one adult daughter became completely disabled (devastating head injury) and the other sister was *furious* that her wealthy parents gave extra money to their disabled kid. Healthy adult daughter’s attitude was that since her disabled sister had been given extra, less money should go to charity to “even it out.”
Anon
My grandparents were very equal with their children and grandchildren for many years, but then gave to their kids’ needs in the will (and the kids knew this well before they died).
My mom and her siblings are in their 60s and 70s now, so my grandparents paid for college in full and had planned to pay for their 4 daughters’ weddings, but also paid for their son’s because his wife’s family had no money.
All 5 kids became teachers, so made roughly similar salaries. However, their son and one daughter married fellow teachers, two daughters married men who made considerable money, and the last daughter’s husband was a low earner who was ill for a while (really unable to work for about 15 years prior to his death) and died in his 50s. So, upon their passing, kids received money according to their need: the widowed daughter received the most money, followed by the two teachers married to fellow teachers, and then the two who married rich got the least.
Anonymous
Woof. I’m one of three. We are all in our late 30s/early 40s. My parents have been generous in different ways with each of us. They are still alive and still working.
Me: they paid for private undergrad less $15k in loans, contributed $15k to my wedding (I married into a wealthy family who also paid for some of the wedding, as did DH and I). Did not pay for my grad school.
Sibling 1: paid for one year of private ugrad; she transferred to state school so they paid for state school less $15k in loans. Paid for her whole wedding (what it cost, IDK- probably $10-15k). Helped her when she got immediately divorced. Paid for her life things when she had a major health crisis. Pay for her airline tickets to fly home to visit as she lives across the country. I think they may have paid off some of her loans from undergrad, or possibly for part of her grad program, i’m not sure and it doesn’t matter to me.
Sibling 2: didn’t go to college. Paid for lawyers when he was arrested several times (DUI, etc). My dad owns the building in which my brother lives, so he gets a pretty below market deal on rent. He also maintains the building so I don’t know how “free” it is. He got a trade license a few years back and my parents paid for that. He is not married.
So…is it equal? No. If my brother were to get married I’m sure my parents would be generous. I think in their heads they were planning to pay for most of 3 colleges.
I also have 3 kids. We are saving to pay for 12 semesters of private undergrad. We also expect to contribute to weddings. That’s about it, but also, they will inherit quite a bit of money from us at some point. DH’s parents are double digit million wealthy and quite old. That will go to DH and we don’t need it, so it will likely go in trust to the kids, or perhaps their kids. TBD.
Anon for this
My parents kept things fairly equal for a long time, but me and my brothers have had different needs as we’ve gotten older so things have been less equal in the long run. We all got our undergrad paid for, but they were clear from the get-go that we were on our own for grad school (I was the only one who went to grad school and I paid for it). I got two hand me down cars (though they got one of them back to use as a trade in when they got a new car; both of my brothers lived too far away at the time to really take advantage of this possibility and also already owned cars). My brothers are both married and my parents paid for their large rehearsal dinners and a hefty portion of at least one of the weddings if not both. They paid for about half of my house down payment, and have offered to pay for some house renovations for one of my brothers (he has so far declined but the offer is on the table indefinitely). My other brother has more money than he knows what to do with, so while he probably has not been offered any renovation money I absolutely would not begrudge it if he got some. So it hasn’t exactly been equal, but it has addressed some significant needs for each of us over the years. AFAIK we’re all getting an equal share of their estate, which will dwarf the chunks we’ve gotten over the years since college.
My grandparents definitely all kept things equal for all of their grandchildren (same $ for birthdays, holidays, and graduations).
Eager Beaver
My brother received more financial help from my parents throughout his 20s and 30s. My parents were great parents though and I always knew that the help was available to me as well if I ever needed it. When they died, their estate went to us equally. I don’t have any resentment about that. We inherited three pieces of property (farmland) jointly. I wish we had each been given specific pieces. Co-owning property is tricky.
Anon
Co owning property is so tricky. I’m close friends with two women my age who are in the second generation of vacation cottage owners – parents bought it ages ago, the kids inherited it equally.
For my one friend, that worked for a while when the 3rd generation were little kids, but now that the 3rd gen are young adults and a couple of the 2nd generation are retiring, there are constant fights about the cottage.
Two siblings wanted money instead of a cottage, and my friend didn’t want to sell, so she had to get a mortgage and pay them their currently appraised shares. Now she’s 75% owner, and do those former owners still expect to use the cottage whenever they please? Oh yes they do. And their entitled adult kids do too, as well as associated groups of people are now related by marriage. Because they’re “family” and it’s a “family” cottage. It’s a nightmare for my friend.
Anon
My parents and aunt and uncle co-own property and it’s hard but is mostly worth it.
My grandparents bought a beach house for practically nothing 50+ years ago. The area has gotten popular and the house is now worth $4 million. Their full time home + all other assets combined wouldn’t be anywhere close to this.
The “fairest” thing on paper would be to sell the home and split the assets, but everyone is very emotionally attached to the home (and likes having a beach house!) so no one wanted to do that. My parents and my aunt and uncle are all government employees; no one has the ability to buy the other one out either.
Anon
I actually have a great relationship with my parents and my siblings, but I cannot think about the financial and other support we all received in college and our 20s and how different it was. I am very classic eldest daughter and my experience is just so, so different than my siblings. Like – one sibling went to community college and then a four year university (went to both part time while working part time). He lived at home until he was 28 without paying a cent for rent, utilities, groceries, streaming services, a car (aside from gas). He and my parents split the $900/mo tuition. He also didn’t have to do much at home: he did his own laundry and maybe once a week a random chore my parents asked him to do. They did all of the food shopping, cooking, and most of the cleaning and yardwork. For a DECADE after high school.
I went away to school, was a very high achiever, graduated on time (double major, double minor while being a D1 athlete, but no scholarship). I paid for school with a LOT of financial aid, some merit aid and scholarships, $35k of loans, and some help from my parents. I worked 1-3 on-campus jobs every semester (1-2 while in season, 2-3 when out of season). I graduated and worked 2 jobs (1 FT government job, and 1 PT job), lived on very thin margins and paid off my loans, and bought a used, old, cheap car 100% myself (both of my siblings and all 8 of my cousins were given family cars. I’m somehow a) the only one who had to buy a car and b) was the oldest to get a car – I was 25 when I bought mine). About 6 years later, I went back to graduate school while I worked full time. During that time (2 years ago), I had a 74k salary and paid rent, tuition, and all living expenses myself. I lived paycheck to paycheck to do this and I purposely chose the cheapest school. I also lived on my own so all cooking, chores, errands were on me (and I had no money to outsource). It was so stressful that I developed health problems from this.
I lived at home for 2 months of this time, during which I was expected to contribute. I then moved out again because the commute from their house to work to school back home was not very feasible. When I did move out, it would have been doable for my parents to do little things like give me leftovers or some groceries or something and they didn’t.
So, it does kind of bug me that my brother got a lot of financial assistance and other support that I did not get. But, that also I was not allowed to go to community college; there was a lot of pressure on me to be “successful” and that meant going to a highly regarded 4 year college, even if I had to pay the difference.
My brother worked mostly full time and did part time school and everyone acted like he was the hardest worker ever, even though he didn’t have a financial burden, nor did he have to do any “adulting”. Then I do it 2 years after him and everyone (parents, extended family, family friends) is like okay that’s just what you had to do so you did it.