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Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Calling all Cheeseheads
I am generally against ‘gifting up’, but my boss is leaving for another job and I would like to give her a Christmas gift. She is a huge Green Bay Packers fan so I want to give her a Packers-themed gift. Any ideas?
Anon
I’d get her a coffee mug (Packers) with a gift card to a coffee place near her new job and a little sweet treat.
Julia
I feel like a Yeti-style mug is always useful, and it’s the kind of thing people expect to see sports logos on and will actually get used.
NOLA
Stemless wine tumblers (they’re under $20 on sale at Fanatics) or at Bed, Bath & Beyond. The Packers stemless glitter wine glasses at the NFL shop are also fun. Is there an Aaron Rodgers Christmas ornament? I have the Hallmark Drew Brees on my tree! Timex makes affordable NFL watches. There are also some adorable fuzzy Packers socks at the NFL shop.
https://www.nflshop.com/green-bay-packers/accessories/t-14377943+d-0104449945+z-98-3296188537
Anon
(Not OP) I like the Aaron Rodgers (or other Packer) ornament idea!
Senior Attorney
Or a Packers throw for snuggling up in front of the TV when the game is on.
anon
I’ve loved my Uber Visa card with great cash back for the last few years. But I’m sadly looking for a new card since they’re converting the cash back into Uber credits. Does anyone have any favorites? I pay my balance off monthly and so far have valued cash back as my priority benefit, but if the points world is great I’m willing to shift into that, too. TIA!
Panda Bear
I have the Citi double cash card (2% cash back on everything) and a bank of America cash rewards card that is 3% in a category you choose (gas, online shopping, dining, maybe something else). I love squirreling away the cash back all year into a separate savings account, which I then use for my Christmas shopping.
Anon
I have the Bank of America cash back rewards card and just cashed out my rewards for Christmas shopping. I put all my shopping on the card and pay it off every month and the rewards add up pretty fast. If you are a Gold or Platinum rewards member with B of A you get escalated cash back rewards with the card, but I couldn’t tell you off the top of my head what they are.
The original Scarlett
Chase Sapphire Reserve has great points if you travel and dine out. The points guy has a lot of research on good cards.
Walnut
We just switched to the Fidelity card with 2% cash back on all purchases with no caps. I don’t have interest in managing categories and my single largest expense is my daycare bill, so this calced our to be the best benefit with minimal management for us.
Carrie
+1
This is what I use as well. Cash back is my priority.
I also use Fidelity for my retirement accounts, and as my bank, and I like having everything in one place.
Anonymous
Just got the Wells Fargo Propel card to replace the Uber card–it’s 3x rewards points on restaurants, gas/rideshares, flights, hotels, and a few other things, and the rewards points are basically 1 cent=1 point and you can redeem for statement credits. I also have the Citi double cash 2% cash back for other things.
mahnamahna
I use a discover cash back card. I think its unlimited 1% on everything and then they have quarterly categories of 5% cash back. There is a cap on the 5% but it’s pretty high. This quarter is Target, Amazon and Walmart. We run everything that we can through the card so I don’t pay too much attention to the categories. I also squirrel away the money and then use it for Christmas. So far this year we are at $780 without trying to game the points. I also love Discover’s app and their customer service. I had to dispute a charge last year after I was unable to get a refund by working directly with the merchant and they were great about it.
BB
I have the Amex Cash Preferred. It’s $95/year, but gets up to 6% on groceries up to $6000 spending as year (as well as 1% on everything else and 3-5% on things like drug stores and gas). I easily make up the fee in cashback throughout the year, and I like being able to get the highest rate on groceries all the time. No having to check what is the highest bucket, and also, I’m not going to stop buying groceries.
Senior Attorney
I have Chase Sapphire Reserve for 3% on travel and dining, and Citi Double Cash back for 2% on everything else. I just can’t keep track of any other categories.
Oh, and I have a Target debit card for 5% off at Target, and an Amazon card for 5% off at Amazon.
Red
Man, I love red. It is my favorite color among all others. And yet, I struggle to wear it in workwear items. It seems to 1980s to pair with black. I like a little of it in an outfit that is primarily light gray and white (so a summer palette) and sometimes with white/turquoise (also summer). In winter, I just can’t seem to make it work — I guess I’m wearing so much black and dark gray that red just looks harsh (vs something darker but reddish, like burgundy or wine or even an eggplant).
Anonymous
Pair it with navy
Anonymous
I think it looks nice with navy and dark denim.
Vicky Austin
This is what I do. I also wear red with gray and no/minimal black.
Anonymous
I will sometimes go full-on elf (red-white turtleneck with green cords) in a casual office, but I struggle with footwear. I have some tan booties, but flee from any red/black in an outfit together.
mahnamahna
I use red as a pop of color. In the winter that’s mainly in the form of a tote with red as a primary color in the print, red casual slip on shoes, and a red quilted vest.
Senior Attorney
I love red with leopard.
Also if you add white to red and black it seems to make it not so 80s.
Anon
I love a good statement necklace, chunky bracelet, textured scarf, hair piece (headbands and clips could skew too young though so proceed with caution, but I still like it on the right outfit).
Clementine
Starting a ‘gift suggestions’ thread. I’m sure others have great ideas!
Looking for a gift for my BFF – mid 30’s, young kids (but out of the baby phase). Enjoys cooking, crafting (but I’m hesitant to get a gift which sucks up time), and socializing. She just started a new job – maybe something that would make her office nice? Price range is $20-50.
Note: Hesitant to get her a fitted clothing item as she’s had some size fluctuations and I would struggle to figure out sizing appropriately.
Anonymous
A salt lamp
Anonymous
New cookbook?
anonymous
For the job – maybe a nice reusable water bottle or travel coffee mug.
anon
This is what I was going to recommend. Yeti or hydroflask.
Cb
That’s basically me – I would like some sort of trendy cooking gadget or the latest cookbook in my preferred cuisine, maybe with accompanying spices.
Anon
Simple Sugars body scrub – I love it. Pink grapefruit is my favorite scent. The nice thing is that it eliminates the need to put lotion on after the shower, which I always hate in the winter when it is freezing and I just want to dry off and put something warm on asap.
Vicky Austin
Office niceties – footrest, space heater, wrist rest, that kind of thing?
pugsnbourbon
Maybe a really pretty wall calendar? I love the designs at Rifle Paper.
anonymous
Following with a gift request for my mother (mid 50s) who is picky and thinks of herself as young at heart. My mother appreciates clothes and accessories more than she would housewares and she is offended when I gift her wine.
Frankly, shopping for my mother makes me feel like an inadequate child. Nothing I do seems good enough.
Anonymous
Budget? I’d just go to Bloomies, find a sales lady in her 50s, and ask her what to buy.
Anonymous
Cashmere lined leather gloves from Nordstrom with a gift receipt.
Cb
I’d buy her a trendy necklace and include a gift receipt.
Clementine
Maybe the RBG necklace at Banana Republic?
anonymous
Laughed out loud on the receipt bit.
Day made!
Monday Brain
op on the above. I read that as” get her a necklace and include the receipt”
It’s Monday. ( – ___-)
anon
Strategist published a gift guide of small tokens from expensive brands. The editorial framing actually jokes that they are good gifts for overly picky moms.
anon
http://nymag.com/strategist/article/cheapest-nicest-gift-ideas-from-designer-brands.html
anon
That list is amazing and I want all of it. And I’m 35.
Senior Attorney
OMG I just discovered sleeping with an eye mask, and now I want that $90 silk one…
Anon
Are you my sister?
I just gave up and ignoring g her reactions. She’s become better about being gracious about the gifts she does receive, knowing that my next step will be the DGAF gift card.
anon
I need gift book recs for my grandpa- serious non-fiction topics like politics, religion, or science, but I try to avoid doom and disaster since he’s prone to depression. And he’s an avid reader, so he’s already read most of the old bestsellers (Mary Roach, Niel de grassw Tyson, etc.). Has anybody read anything engrossing in a niche topic? Or a relatively new release?
Cb
What about Catch & Kill? Reads like a thriller. Say Nothing – the new book about Northern Ireland has had some rave reviews.
Maudie Atkinson
Say Nothing was fantastic and would, I think, fit your bill.
Anonymous
Say Nothing was also going to be my rec.
anonymous
I read it last year- The Prisoners of Geography: How countries’ diplomatic, and economic welfare is determined by their geographic location.
It has about 7 chapters if memory serves me right and each chapter is about a different country’s geography and its impact. It was insightful and I could not put it down
anon
Second this recommendation. I loved this book!
I also recommend any of Candice Millard’s books. She has one on Theodore Roosevelt, one on James Garfield and her newest is on Winston Churchill. Gripping, fascinating and he will definitely learn something new.
Anon
Does he understand golf? My FIL loved Commander In Cheat about Trump’s golf habits and how they translate into how he governs.
Delta Dawn
Has he read Bad Blood by John Carryerou, the reporter who uncovered the Elizabeth Holmes/Theranos scandal? It’s non-fiction, science, but not doom or disaster.
anon
Yep, that was a big hit last Christmas.
anon
The Innovators by Ron Chernow. Each chapter is a biography of an innovator in science and tech (going back to the 18th century), while telling a larger story of the evolution of technology. Hits science and history in one.
If he’s interested in military history, particularly Vietnam, an old but excellent choice would be They Marched into Sunlight by David Maraniss.
pugsnbourbon
Does he like Bill Bryson? Definitely not as serious, but that might not be a bad thing. One Summer and At Home were both great reads.
OP
I can’t find this online–are you sure about the author and title? Because it sounds like just the sort of thing I’m looking for…
Anon
Ah, I confused myself because I saw both authors at a conference. It’s not Ron Chernow, it’s Walter Isaacson (who also wrote the well-known Steve Jobs biography).
anon
What about The Heartbeat of Wounded Knee? It would fit your parameters and is described as a counter-narrative to the doom-and-disaster stereotype of Native American history.
Senior Attorney
How the Irish Saved Civilization was a big hit with my book club a while back.
Alanna of Trebond
The Hunt for Vulcan (about how Newtonian mechanics would require another planet between the Sun and Mercury to match the observed orbit), Spillover (not as doom and gloom as it would sound — which animal diseases are likely to “spillover” to the next human pandemic)
ceej
Astoria, by Peter Stark was super gripping to me. It’s from 2014, but I don’t know that it was super popular, so maybe he missed it.
The Statues that Walked, by Hunt and Lipo was great. I learned a ton that I still think about in other contexts now.
anon a mouse
A few years ago in a similar stage of life my BFF got me some earrings that look like knockoff David Yurman — substantial and professional. I never would have bought them for myself but I wear them all the time.
Anon
I’m really excited about my BFF gifts this year, so here are some of my ideas:
1) On Uncommon Goods, they have these mimosa sugar cubes flavored with berries and peach, and so I used those as a jumping off point for a “brunch basket.” Included are: the flavored sugar cubes, prossecco, Stonewall Kitchen Crepe mix/fancy pancake mix (you might also find flavored mixes on other sites, scone mix, etc.), a fancy jam and syrup also from Stonewall, cutesy tea towel from Anthro (and for one friend a matching spatula).
2) Also on Uncommon Goods (I just found the site really inspiring me this year!) I found these chocolate fondue sets that are just a fancy flavored chocolate and come in a microwaveable stoneware container (a pretty decent size). I’m making a basket with that (the sea salt/dark chocolate flavor) with prosecco, pretzels, strawberries, a banana, and maybe something else savory (open to ideas if anyone has any).
Anon
I love everything on Uncommon Goods.
PolyD
I just want to say that those are great gift ideas and I would be thrilled to receive either one of them.
Well done!
Anon at 10:06
Thanks! I love getting really into gift-giving, and so I’m excited about them! I’ve been wanting to tell someone my ideas, but, of course, can’t tell my friends, which is who I would normally tell, so I was dying to chime in on this thread! ;) (The chocolate one is for my family’s steal-a-gift game, so I might be planning to be the one who steals it.)
Vicky Austin
Seconded! I especially love the idea of that first one and will probably steal it. What a nice gift!
anon
Sounds delicious, and I would recommend a good hard cheese (Old Amsterdam Gouda?) for the fondue. So decadent dipped in chocolate.
Anon at 10:06
Thank you! That’s a great idea and it hadn’t occurred to me!
EM84
A fun family board game
Anon
If you want something lighthearted and sort of humorous, I just bought two good friends with small children “The Shiraz on the Shelf” and it was a huge hit. You can order it on Amazon. It pokes a little fun at the Elf on the Shelf tradition.
Riding boots
I have a pair of 5+ year old black LaCanadienne Passion boots. They are still being sold on Zappos and get lots of positive reviews. But I can’t help but think that they are just . . . not current? They aren’t bad and I’d wear them in a heartbeat in cold / snowy / slushy winter weather (maybe with a skirt and black tights vs tucking in jeans or wearing bootcut jeans over them). But what *should* I get to refresh a flat black boot (a bootie? something more rustic?)?
Anon
What’s the use case for these boots? Commuting? If so, how snowy is it where you live and how cold?
Anonymous
OP: general footwear. I chill easily, so it’s nice to wear a tall boot and socks. But I think I bought them after seeing maybe a Middleton sister wearing flat boots and a skirt suit and was “I can do that,” which has had mixed results (very mixed). But the boots are great. I just need to think on how to style and actually use and I am struggling mightily.
Delta Dawn
I wear flat boots with a skirt suit all the time in the winter. It’s important that the skirt is hemmed for flats (for me, this means just a touch above the knee). If it’s hemmed for heels, it can look too long with flats and seem like you’re playing dress-up in big sister’s clothes. I also wear tights that match the boots to elongate the leg. I think you’re right that a bootie is more current, but I still wear the tall boots sometimes and think lots of other people do, too.
Cat
I think your instincts are right for a more updated look keeping the boots you have. Booties do nothing for me though I’m aware I’m in the minority – they stumpify my legs and don’t keep me warm.
Anonymous
I think tall boots are more current with dresses than with skirts or pants. Sheath dresses for work, midi for casual wear.
Anonymous
Strangely enough the tall boot is having a moment again, mostly with dark tights and dresses. Think black turtleneck, skirt black tights boots.
I recommend chelsea boots from madewell, or these chunky booties from toms https://www.toms.com/women/black-leather-womens-esme-boots?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=&utm_campaign=Toms%7CShopping%7CUS%7CGoogle%7CBrand%7CShoes&utm_content=s_dc|pcrid|347623487702|pkw||pmt||&utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=&utm_campaign=Toms%7CShopping%7CUS%7CGoogle%7CBrand%7CShoes&utm_content=s_dc|pcrid|347623487702|pkw||pmt||slid||&pgrid=72796480529&ptaid=pla-313150004578&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI2vv1hpOp5gIVTF8NCh1pywtXEAQYASABEgKeufD_BwE
An On
What do you do to push back politely when pushing back at all would probably be seen as inappropriate?
I work at the same company as my husband. It is a small company with a lot of people wearing many different hats. (Boundaries aren’t great.) We report to two different people who work closely with each other, but he and I don’t work together very often. Our bosses report to the CEO, who works with both of us from time to time, but more often with my husband.
DH has a packed schedule and is in and out of his office all day. I’m pretty reliably at my desk all the time. Sometimes people use me to find him, especially since they think he’ll answer his phone if I call. (He will answer his phone if ANYONE calls.) The last thing I want is to be my husband’s keeper. If the CEO, for example, asks me to call my husband for him, how can I politely say that I don’t do that? Most people don’t tell the CEO no around here, so I have no idea how he would react.
Anonymous
“I’m not his secretary!”
Anon
Wasn’t this just on ask a manager?
Anonome
If you can’t find a way to say no, have your husband ignore your calls. You will train people that you are a dead end to him.
anon
“Sorry, Francis, I have no idea where he is, but go ahead and call him. He’ll definitely pick up if his hands are free!”
Anon
I think you should just be straightforward about it: “Please call John yourself. He will pick up your call if he’s available; he’s very prompt and professional about responding to his colleagues.”
Anonymous
I’m confused, are a lot of coworkers asking you to do this or only the CEO/boss(es)? I’d probably do what the CEO/boss asks, but I would tell anyone else to pound sand (politely) – Idk where he is! He’s more likely to pick up if he thinks it’s business instead of personal. You’re just as likely to get hold of him as I am!
Fwiw I know two of the assistants in my office are BFFs (and they sit next to each other); if I can’t find one I always ask the other where she is. Sometimes the answer is idk and that’s fine! But if one of them told me, I’m not her keeper, I would be pretty put off. Like dude I’m just trying to get ish done and you’re the person most likely to know where she is. For OP, I think that the genders here make it feel weird but I’m not sure this is a hill I would die on with my boss – you will just look prickly and like you’re not a team player.
Anon
During the work day, I’d be more likely to pick up the phone from my boss or boss’s boss than from my spouse. Can you confirm that with your husband and then tell them that?
For anyone not above either of you, I’d give them his number and tell them what you told us.
Of Counsel
If your boss/CEO tells you to call anyone (husband or not) the response is “of course” and then doing it. If it is anyone else, then a smile and “He does not screen his calls; if you call him he will pick up if he can.”
I would not under any circumstances telling YOUR BOSS that you are not going to make a call he tells you to make – especially not “call him yourself.”
Anonymous
Holiday tipping question. When we first moved into our building years ago, the building manager/maintenance guy was super helpful so we gave him a generous prepaid visa for the holidays – $X. Even though we didn’t need his help as much as the first year we moved in, we still tipped the same amount each subsequent year. About two years ago (not too long before the holidays) a new guy started working with him. He hadn’t been there most of the year and since we were still working mostly with the main guy when we needed someone, we tipped the new guy 1/2 of $X.
More recently, the main person is still around but seems to be stepping back and the new guy appears to be taking on most of the work for the building. I’m not sure what to do with tips. When we first started tipping the first guy $X, it was a generous amount – he was invaluable the first year we moved in, but I didn’t really plan on paying that amount every year to two people. I suspect most people in our building tip less than $X and some probably just do baked goods and the like. $X is probably a bit overkill but I’m not sure what to do about it or how to change it since we’ve been giving that amount to the original guy for so long now. Do we tip them both $X? Tip them both 1/2 of $X? Some other variant?
Anon
As the other guy steps back, it’s fine to tip less.
Honestly, it’s always fine to tip less – people probably aren’t keeping track year-to-year, and even if they are, they know you are generally generous with tipping. They won’t read anything into it.
Anonymous
if this is for building service people in NYC, they are absolutely keeping track and will notice if you do less. Can you reset with the same (reasonable) amount to both?
Anonymous
I love in NYC and disagree. I don’t think our building people are that organized.
Anonymous
I need gift recommendations… for me. My mother would like to know what to get me for Christmas, but she shoots down everything I suggest. I sent her a link to compression packing cubes I’d like to have, but it was a website she was unfamiliar with so she got confused and gave up. I asked for pretty office supplies (there’s a Target in her town) and she didn’t understand what that meant. She refuses to give me cash or do away with gifts. She likes to get me: giant tubs of vani cream (I have a backlog of 3), peanuts (I don’t like peanuts), junk from catalogs (I refuse to encourage her wasteful catalog shopping habit). What can I ask for that will be useful to me and she will give me?
As an aside, I really resent the “You need to do the emotional labor of finding a gift for me to give you that 1) you want, 2) I want to give you, and 3) isn’t confusing or anxiety-producing to me.” We go through this every year. But also I feel like a jerk for getting frustrated with her for wanting to give me a gift; what is it about parents that always makes you feel like a teenager, even if you’re approaching 40?
Cb
What about something useful? Fluffy towels? Warm socks? A throw blanket? Or something on a women’s shelter wishlist so you can donate it guilt free?
OP
Ooo towels! Great idea! Even if they’re not my taste, I’m sure a local shelter would be happy to have them.
EB
You could ask her to get you some towels (or literally anything else) from target, then return them for a gift card.
Anon
Don’t let her bully you! Decline gifts this year firmly and consistently. Let her sit with her disappointment and anger and deal with it like an adult. She doesn’t get to “let” or “not let” you make your own decisions.
Anon
A spa gift certificate to a favorite expensive spa is my go to in this scenario. I would think most spas like that are set up well to make the gift card process buying easy.
That is my go to gift suggestion for myself in situations like this. In the moment it feels a little stale, but darn if it doesn’t feel awesome when I actually end up going and don’t have to pay.
Anon
Ha whoops on repeating myself.
Anonymous
Give her the list, and when she rejects it just say that’s all I can think of, I’m sure you’ll have some great ideas (or you don’t have to get me anything or whatever) and stop engaging. Accept that she is going to give you gifts you hate. You can’t solve this problem.
OP
Oh man I’d be thrilled if she would just give me something I hate. I will hate the gift much less than I hate this endless back and forth and whining and nagging.
Anonymous
Then do t do it. Give one list and stop.
Anonymous
Is it too late to pretend to love peanuts?
AnonInfinity
I like Cb’s suggestions and would also add any kind of food or alcohol or coffee that you like.
Also wanted to sign on in commiseration. I HATE being expected to give detailed lists of what I want. My theory is that if you can’t think of one thing you think I’d like, then it’s ok if we don’t exchange gifts. This goes for any level of family or friends, and it would truly be fine with me if I never did another holiday gift exchange with anyone. When asked, I always answer with broad categories with 1-2 kind of specific things thrown in and will repeat the same if asked again (this year it’s “I’d love candles, a pillow for baths, a water bottle for workouts, any kind of baking supplies, coffee, or fiction books!”).
I’ve tried to adjust my attitude about this by coming up with a mindset that gifts are about the receiver AND the giver. I’m kind of giving the giver their own gift by saying a couple of specific items, and that person views gifts as being more about the receiver, so they want it to be perfect. This mindset doesn’t always work, but it has been helping a bit.
anon
The amount of emotional labor I have to pour into my OWN LIST for my MIL to choose from is a sticking point for me every year. Because I’m also doing it for my husband and our two kids. And I feel like an ungrateful child for disliking the whole practice. I appreciate that she wants to give us something that we like, but she’s so easily confused by what I see as fairly routine/standard items, that it becomes this whole thing that leaves me feeling like a picky b!tch. So Amazon it is, because that’s what she’s comfortable with.
AnonInfinity
That’s exactly how it was with my ex’s family, which is when I was mostly trying to come up with some sort of logic that would help me get through the task. I finally just started an Amazon wish list that mostly held cookbooks that I shared with them. My sympathies–it is not a task that I miss at all.
Cb
Chiming in again but my MILs always want to get me something and this year, I sent them a list of three novels I’d like. They’re all out in paperback so about £20 for the lot and they get something to wrap and I get something I like out of the deal.
Anonymous
Chiming in again but my MILs always want to get me something and this year, I sent them a list of three novels I’d like. They’re all out in paperback so about £20 for the lot and they get something to wrap and I get something I like out of the deal.
Vicky Austin
That, or can another family member be enlisted to help her if she gets stuck with the website again? I think that was off-base of her to push the burden back on you when she couldn’t figure out how to get you the thing you actually wanted.
JTM
Would your mom be able to use an Amazon Universal Wishlist? I use one with my husband – I keep a running list of the specific things I’d like (this one necklace, that cool mug, etc) from lots of different places, and the list is shared with him (plus I send him reminders before birthday/Christmas). This way I know I’m going to get exactly what I want but I don’t know what things he’s going to get since the list is like 200 items long. And with a Universal Wishlist you don’t have to just pick Amazon things, it works on any store with a website.
anonchicago
Are our moms related? She gets me what she wants to get me, which is usually home stuff or clothes that aren’t my taste. I end up putting a lot of emotional labor into ideas on my list only to be told they’re too expensive (which then brings its own drama about how I’m so snobby now), hard to find, or she found something similar she likes better instead.
I’ve been very clear over the last few years that I have *everything* home related that I possibly want. I gave her no ideas for my birthday or Christmas this year and she finally made a comment about buying me tickets to a concert or something as an experience gift. I sent her a few ideas including: CorePower or Flywheel classes (I’m prepared to hear how that’s a waste of money when I could just go to a Planet Fitness), a massage, and a concert…including links. Will see if I get any of those items or just more towels and lotion.
Blueberries
Coffee, chocolate, socks, tea, wine, chickens for a poor family from that charity that uses that as a fundraiser, things on your local favorite charity’s wishlist.
Anonymous
At least she actually cares about if it is something you want. My mom loves to shop and expects that she knows me so well that I will love whatever she has decided I need. Literally refuses to ask for any ideas. Returns are not a option because she ‘cannot find the receipt/forgets where she got it. I have a growing collection of handmade cheese boards. My daughter is allergic to dairy so we rarely serve cheese at parties. My mom knows this.
Anon
I’m in my 30’s and have made really clear I dislike clutter and waste, so I ask my parents for very specific things, typically cycling gear or other sports stuff. The process has devolved completely for our family from the traditional “I’m going to buy something for you and you’re going to open it on Xmas”, but we’ve all become really with it. It started after I asked my parents to order specific piece of gear one year and they got it slightly wrong, which was a headache for all of us. So, now it plays out 1 of 2 ways: either I’m making a bigger purchase (one year I purchased my new road bike) and I ask for GCs to a very specific store, or we order the thing together. This year, I wanted a piece of equipment for a sport I play semi-competitively. We sat down on Thanksgiving weekend and I picked it out/put in the needed specs, they inputted their card, and I already have it and have been using it. I make a big effort to send them pictures, of it in use, thank them and tell them how great it is, and I think that at the end of the day they’re actually happier knowing it’s something I love and use multiple times a week.
Anonymous
Gift card for mani/pedi? This is now my MIL’s default and I really like it.
Anon
That’s annoying. But probably easier to just give a list then have the back and forth. Just walk around your house and see what looks worn out or needs replenishing but you aren’t that particular about – dish towels, dessert plates, robe, pajamas, bubble bath, tea, umbrella, stationery?
Coat for Minn-Chicago-Boston
I am a delicate Southerner who already has a LL Bean down sweater coat for a state that ends in “Carolina.” I have a lot of work trip coming up to some really cold winter places. I need to walk from hotels to various places, so I’d like something long, because my formal work clothes aren’t terribly warm (dresses, tights, wedges; skirt suits with tights and rubber-soled pumps). Maybe with a hood?
If it came from LL Bean / Lands End, I know my sizes from those stores and can further dig through online reviews (I’m a borderline petite, but often go regular in coats if they have to fit over things.
No worries about wasting $; I find that I freeze in our damp winter unless I can keep moving, so it will not go unused (and I have a kid my size, so she will probably make the moves on one of them).
Clementine
My mother just picked up the Land’s End Commuter coat at 50% off. It is awesome and she commented that it’s exactly what she has been looking for – really warm and waterproof, but looks decent for walking to meetings (she works on a big academic campus and frequently has to go in and out in all kinds of weather for meetings).
Katie
Do you want something dressy, or is more casual OK? If casual, I’d consider something like a 3-in-1 parka where you could wear just the liner or the shell in Carolina to get more use out of it. Patagonia comes to mind, but I’m sure LL Bean and Lands End have similar options.
For dressy, I just got the J Crew Lady Day coat with thinsulate. I wouldn’t wear it on a a sub-zero day in MN or Chicago, but it’s probably fine in temperatures in the teens and 20s.
Remember that scarves, hats and mittens/gloves really help, too.
TrixieRuby
A wool coat won’t keep you warm in Minn/Boston/Chicago! You need a hooded puffer in a neutral color with boots, a scarf, gloves, and a hat.
Anon
I live in a much colder place than you and run cold myself.
I currently have a very long Lands End down coat (like, mid calf), that I picked up second hand. Don’t like it, would never, ever recommend. The pockets are too shallow, the zipper gets caught on the backer, and worst of all, it isn’t even that warm.
Previously I had a patagonia coat that was soooooo warm and lightweight and functional. I eventually wore through the nylon fabric, but it had a good run.
I’ve done all sorts of research and have decided to go back to another outdoorsy brand for my next puffer – maybe patagonia, maybe North Face. maybe Arc’teryx if I win the lottery first.
Assess whether you need windproofing/waterproofing too. because that will change what you get. Neither are a main consideration in my environment.
anon
Eddie Bauer might have some good options for you. They have several puffers that can pass with work clothes.
Anonymous
I have a Patagonia 3-in-one coat and a pair of tall Aquatalia boots for this purpose.
pugsnbourbon
+1 to a “system” jacket with a liner and an inner piece that zip together. Land’s End has one in their Squall line.
Anon
+1 on the Patagonia 3-in-one (the tres coat is nice, not sure about the others).
Mpls
As someone from a really cold winter place (MN) – at least its not a damp cold? Are you considering the LL Bean Long Ultrawarm coat? Honestly, that’s what I would see anyone (professionals or on the weekends) wearing if it’s really cold, so would only look out of place if it’s above freezing.
The other option is to layer up and dress warmer over all. Trade out the high heels for knee-high boots, where you can wear a thin sock over your tights/hose for another layer. A coat will only keep you so warm, if you aren’t dressed for the weather otherwise.
Anonymous
OP here: your last sentence is everything. Office-wear is not weather appropriate ever, for me.
I used to commute into NYC on commuter trains on platforms that got all of the damp and wind and I wore something similar from LL Bean with hats / socks / shoes / gloves and maybe a neck gaiter. I wear fleece-lined leggings to fend off the damp cold and can’t make them pass as black tights as much as I want to.
Winter officewear expectations seems to be based on the assumption that people take heated cars from heated garages and park in their building. I always feel that I look like a Sherpa but warmth > fashion, at least when traveling and everyone knows I’m not a native.
C2
+1 from another MSP dweller. Only want to add that I’d remove the fur trim on the hood when travelling to eliminate what I find is the bulkiest and heaviest piece of my similar coat.
TrixieRuby
I think it is quite likely that you will need/want to carry your office shoes and wear insulated, waterproof boots. There is a lot of slush and snow in those locations in the winter. The other option is to buy knee high, 1-2″ heel, vibram sole boots that are waterproof–if you don’t want to change your shoes upon arrival. Blondo, Candienne, and others make good ones. I have an Eddie Bauer puffer, The Lodge version, though there are others. I love the knit cuffs (essential!) and the two way zipper. The pockets are pretty deep, too. I am from Boston, and we have cold winters. The Lodge might be long enough for office clothes–it is mid thigh length. Good luck! and enjoy the brisk weather.
Vicky Austin
Not a coat (although I love my Lands End midcalf puffer), but I’m a skirts/dresses rather than pants person and I decided to just embrace the 80s and get some leg warmers to put over my hose. Single-digits today and my legs were just fine. I also got some pile-lined tights from Uniqlo. They are heavy and thick, but they just came so I haven’t tried them yet. Might be worth checking out?
Anonymous
The LL Bean Winter Warmer coat is good up to -35 and very warm
The Eddie Bauer Girl on the Go Coat with liner could be useful because you could use the shell
Monday
I saw Knives Out with family over the weekend. Strongly recommend! It’s also fairly clean humor, so may be ok for older kids.
Anon
My young-teen son saw this with a friend and the friend’s family and loved it. We’re planning to go see it as a family this weekend. I figure that anything that my son thinks is great even though it doesn’t have exploding buildings or car chases has gotta be good.
Anon
Enjoyed this as well!
lsw
Loved it! Big fan of Rian Johnson and of whodunits. We were laughing so hard we were crying in the theater.
Ribena
I loved it too. The whole cinema was laughing together which felt lovely.
Anonymous
I thought it was fun. I thought the product placement of Biscoff cookies was interesting. I usually only eat them on flights, and am sad when I get pretzels instead.
Anon
My mom calls them “Delta cookies.” She doesn’t believe they’re a thing that exists outside of airplanes, lol.
Anon
I’m looking for a pair of black sneaker-y dressy shoes (with black soles). Something that won’t look crazy with dresses and tights – slip on is great, but laces work too.
I’m pregnant, and the last time I was pregnant I just wore sneakers (eccos) at work the last 3 months because of joint issues/the need for arch and side support (switching out for flats for outside meetings). I can do that again, but I’d like to try to find something better this time. Do I try the nurse shoes options at Zappos? Thanks!
Anonymous
Rothys have rubber soles, so great for not slipping around. I wore black clogs when pregnant and some roper-style boots that were a big large but worked with swollen feet. Again, both with black tights.
CHL
YMMV but I would not wear Rothy’s for this purpose. They have very little arch/other support. Allbirds slipons also don’t have much support but they easily accommodate an orthotic insert and the wool is nice and stretchy if your feet swell.
Anonymous
What about flat black ankle boots? Ecco has some I am drooling over, but they are kind of spendy for me.
Anon
These may work if you size up from your normal size, and do some sort of softer leather that stretches with your feet.
rosie
Got Born Chelsea boots for exactly this reason and they’re just what I wanted. Minimal bending to put them on (no zipper or laces, sometimes I do need to pull on the back tab though). Good sole so I don’t slip. Very comfortable support. Warm enough (I wear w/Uniqlo heattech socks) and waterproof. I’m fine w/how they look with biz casual clothes including dresses and tights (or let’s face it, leggings, because I am not wearing maternity tights).
Anon
Sperry has some options, and their rubber soles are super comfy.
Curious
Keds normally has black leather shoes with black soles and black laces!
ceej
What about the Comfortiva Farmington? If you want really sneaker-y I also think the Caledonia might work. I have the Comfortiva Maloree and I like them, the leather stretch more than the patent.
Other options: Hush Puppies Heartbreaker, Hush Puppies Jaylene, Earth Astoria, Munro Traveler, or Munro Henlee.
None are exactly “beautiful” shoes, but they are comfort brands.
Anon
Now that it’s that end-of-year work evaluation time, I’d love to get the hive’s thoughts on whether it’s ever worth being defensive in a review. I received glowing reviews this year from all but one partner and this one partner’s review almost reads as a personal attack. I’m honestly confused and want to ask him what he means by certain characterizations of me and if he can provide specific examples. I’m not sure what he’ll say but I’m questioning on how best to defend myself or at least stand up for myself when I think there must have been a huge miscommunication or misjudgment here. Thoughts?? Help?
Anonymous
Nope. He isn’t confused, he just doesn’t like you. Being defensive makes it a bigger deal.
The original Scarlett
Defensive, no – if you plan to stay and this partner is influential, a conversation about what went awry with a pan open to feedback mindset, yes.
CHL
My two cents would be that it’s never helpful to “argue” with feedback. You can seek to understand more, ask what they would have preferred to see instead. If it’s just one guy and it doesn’t make sense or seems personal and doesn’t seem to otherwise be affecting how others see you, I wouldn’t engage, just nod and say something along the lines of “you’ve given me something to think about.” In my experience trying to change their mind just doesn’t turn out well.
anon
+1
Anonymous
I posted a few weeks ago for advice in addressing a weird and untrue comment in my written review; the person who made it was in my in-person review. My favorite script was along the lines of: “I’ve tried to think of a time that happened, but I can’t come up with anything. Could you please tell me what you meant by that comment?” This partner is infamous for giving really vague criticisms for something specific, so this language was helpful in pinning her down on wtf she was talking about.
Anon
YMMV but I successfully pushed back on a vaguely negative review. There was a formal opportunity for me to respond, I didn’t just go directly to the partner outside of the review process. He ended up amending his review to make it slightly less negative, and the partnership leadership added a section at the end basically saying this guy’s opinion didn’t represent the consensus of the practice group. That said, I knew I wasn’t going to be at the firm for long (for unrelated reasons) and my main concerns were 1) getting my raise and bonus and 2) to a lesser degree, my pride. I didn’t care if I ticked this guy off because I wasn’t going on him long term for work or partnership support.
Anon
that should say “practice group leadership added a section…”
Potluck Ideas
Friends- I need the best Mac&Cheese recipe you have- bonus if it heats up in the microwave really well and doesn’t require 15 different ingredients! Thank you
Anonymous
Pretty. How does VB run? I have broad shoulders.
lsw
I have broad shoulders too and have one blazer from VB that fits me well. I thought it was TTS. I’m a tall 12 and love the fit of the one I have.
Anon
Anyone see the news about the number of crimes committed in Ubers? It’s a little sobering (to say the least). I’m going to rethink the frequency of Uber usage when I’m traveling – I’ve long felt uneasy with their lack of sufficient background checks and this new report is all the more damning.
Anonymous
I did, but it didn’t seem that staggering to me. Crimes are also committed in taxis, public transit, and walking.
Anon
From a criminologist’s perspective reported in Wired:
Uber, meanwhile, reported 235 rapes last year, about one in every 5 million trips. To Roman, that seems very high, especially given that most of these incidents are between strangers who interact fleetingly during an Uber ride. That goes for “stranger” homicides too—just about 450 arguments between strangers led to murders in the US last year. According to Uber data, 19 of those were related to the company’s rides.
“We all think being victimized by a stranger is just the price of just living in America,” says Roman. “But I think people don’t understand how rare stranger homicides and stranger rapes are. To see all these [Uber-related] rapes and murders—that’s the thing that makes me really alarmed here.”
Anonymous
Could it be that really bad guys see Uber as a victim-delivery service?
Not sure how people pretending to be Uber drivers get picked up in the data. Google the USC student (Gamec*ck, not Trojan) who got into a vehicle that turned out not to be her Uber but to be driven by a guy cruising for people to jump in unsuspecting.
I’ve always been a cab person, mainly b/c they seem to have lots of hardworking largely immigrant drivers in my city and I want to keep them in business. They work hard and know their way around and give good service (and sometimes get killed for minimal $, which always makes me mad b/c they can’t turn down fares). Not that bad stuff can’t happen in one, but I am a happy customer not motivated to change what works for me.
Anonymous
Yes thanks I can also read. It doesn’t seem staggering to me.
Anon
No need to be so snippy.
Anon
+1. What’s the safer alternative? Especially if you are going to an urban area like NYC or something where renting a car is not really ideal. Am I correct in saying we just don’t know stats for regular cabs?
Anonymous
I think that’s right, but I usually hear stories of cab drivers being robbed/murdered, and not the other way around. With Uber, it seems that the (monthly?) bad stories usually have a woman as a victim, so I’m OK using them in groups but don’t take solo. Locally, we had a male Uber driver be murdered by a group of men, which is so sad.
Anon
I’ve heard plenty of stories about cab drivers; they are a true crime standby. Doesn’t really mean anything without real numbers though.
I would like to know how long the Uber driver perps had been driving for Uber. Is this a problem of people becoming Uber drivers only to commit crimes? Because I’m confident no one becomes a taxi driver only to commit crimes; it’s just too hard to do.
anon
Actually, if you look at the Uber stats, a LOT of the crime was against drivers. So there is definitely the same issue as cabs in terms of the driver being victimized.
Anon
Cabs are SUPER regulated, especially in major cities like NYC and DC. Echoing Anonymous at 10:14 who says they’re often driven by hard working immigrants who really know their way around the city.
I live in DC and take cabs for work as often as 10x per week, so I chat with my drivers a lot and 90% of them are wonderful, 8% are fine, and 2% are crappy. In DC, cabbies own their cars and those cars have to be seven years old or newer; the drivers all licensed and background checked; they each carry multiple types of insurance; their taxi cab commission license is always prominently displayed with their name and medallion number; they have limits on how many hours they can work (no exhausted people doing 14+ hour shifts); they can’t wear sweats or flip-flops or tank tops… Why anyone would get in a car with a total stranger who just decided to do something for a little pocket change is kinda crazy to me. (I get that the app is convenient.)
I tell this to everyone visiting DC – if you see an ancient Crown Vic cab on the streets, I’d skip it – it’s a loaner car given out by the cab service to part-time cabbies – your experience won’t be as good.
A cabbie last week told me a story that just about brought me to tears. He came to America in 2001 from Ethiopia and became a cab driver and as soon as he could, he brought his wife and children over and chose to live in the best school district he could afford. He was choked up and I was choked up as he told me that his oldest son is now a doctor, his second son is in pharmacy school, and his third son gets all As in high school. That’s the American dream right there. So he11 yes, I passionately support DC’s cabbies. They are taxed and regulated and are doing everything they can to make a living for themselves and a better future for their children.
Anonymous
My kids are friends with a girl who lives in an apartment in our neighborhood with her parents and grandmother. They are all immigrants from Bosnia. The mom and grandmother speak good English. Grandma watches the little girl. Mom works in a hospital as an LPN, studying for her RN. Dad’s English isn’t good but it is a great cab driver and I always hire a cab in my city because they are terribly good people working hard for their families, often in a new country with a language barrier (although often locals who didn’t have a lot of better options, often extroverted retirees from jobs that physically wore them out in their 50s). I’m not anti-Uber, but just know the cab #s in my head and call for one when I need one (or just pick them up as they queue up at hotels).
Anonymous
Formerly in DC and I never had anything but great experiences with the Ethiopian / Eritrean cab driver community. The Eritreans community is super-tight; one squash pro in town is Eritrean and I swear they all know him / know of him.
Anon
I too am a cab person rather than an Uber/Lyft person, yet I don’t need my cabbie’s life story!? Nor am I crying about their life story. Eyeroll.
Anon for this
The last time I took a cab rather than a Lyft, the cabbie was piss!ed that the drive from the train station was relatively short (under $10) given how long they wait at the station… and drove me AND my husband $10 out of the way, skipping three straight left turns to our street, refusing to turn off the meter, before finally getting us home. And then was mad that I had no cash to pay him (he’d been pretending his credit card machine was broken until we said his choice was to get no money or a credit card payment) and mad I didn’t tip him. We paid the exact fare and disputed all but the appropriate amount of the base fare through our credit card company. And swore to stick with traceable rides in the future!
Anon
Cabs are much more regulated than Uber. Each cabbie has a medallion number (license, essentially) and if he does something sketchy, people can complain to the cab company and he can lose his license. I think Uber and Lyft are less aggressive about taking action against rogue drivers, but even if they were equally aggressive a driver who is fired by Uber can just go to Lyft or vice versa. It’s not the same as with commercial cab where the medallion number follows you everywhere.
Anonymous
In some places, people just used a friend / roommates Uber account and did the driving. I don’t know a cab driver who’d do that.
Anon
I’m glad all you people have strong opinions but us people in no-cab and low-cab cities have to rely on Uber/Lyft if we want to go to a bar without driving or go to the airport without paying for parking. And no, public transport isn’t an option here either. It’s great to be on a high horse about “pro-cab” when you’re in a coastal city.
I can go days without seeing a cab in my major city. Hailing one is not a thing here, and you often have to schedule a cab 24 hrs in advance. Scheduling one day of can be impossible or at least a couple hour’s wait. And cabs are without a doubt always double to triple the cost of a Lyft or Uber.
Just ride safely – if they’re sketchy, tell them to move on. Look at their ratings, double check the license plate and child lock, make them say your name before getting in. As someone who has been in a cab where they turned the radio and meter off in the middle of the night and demanded to be dropped off at a busy intersection or I’d bust the window open – a cab is not gonna be much safer without your wits about you.
Anon
The question at 10:21 was what to do in “an urban area like NYC.” No one is saying it’s better to drive drunk in a medium sized city because there are no cabs.
Anonymous
Literally no one thinks drunk driving is better than an Uber. If the cab vs Uber discussion doesn’t apply to your area, you don’t need to be all special snowflake about it. No one is judging you for using Uber when there are not cab options. This ain’t about you.
Anon
I live in a small college town in the Midwest (population 50k). You’re right that there are not cabs cruising the streets the way there are in NYC, but you can call them and they will come, it’s not like they don’t exist. What do you think people did before Uber? Also, you can go to bars within walking distance or designate a driver which are other solutions people used pre-Uber.
Anon
Anon @ 2:08 PM: the last time I was in a town without uber (Buffalo), I called for a cab and it took so long to come that the restaurant I was waiting in closed and I had to sit outside in the snow. Had to call dispatch three times before a car came.
The city I live in now has incredibly unreliable cab service as well, so that kind of experience was common pre-uber. And “bars within walking distance” aren’t a thing here unless you live in a small number of neighborhoods. And yes, people designated a driver but there were also a lot of people who probably drove with a buzz when they shouldn’t have.
There is a reason uber is popular with consumers and it’s not just low prices (it was successful when it was still black car and cost as much as, or more than, a cab) – it’s that taxi service sucks in a lot of cities.
Alanna of Trebond
It is so much easier to take a cab in NYC than an Uber. AND cabs are cheaper too!
Anon
I’m anon 10:21. The crux of my real question was, is a cab really safer than uber? I’ve seen a lot of anecdotes here but no real facts.
I brought up NYC just as an example where you couldn’t alternatively really rent a car, which would arguably be the most safe from an assault perspective.
Another factor: I think back to pre-uber in my 20s and the amount of times I would be stranded on a street corner or at a bar late at night trying desperately to get a cab, but no cab had an incentive to pick you up even if the dispatcher said they were going to (the cab could always pick up the next person they saw with no consequence). I have to think some of those times were probably a lot less safe than being able to call an Uber from inside wherever I am now and that uber fairly reliably coming and getting me, and you can at least track them so you know if they bail.
Anon
ps my late at night not being able to get a cab anecdote was not NYC, which was probably the one place that wasn’t an issue.
anon
I try to avoid using uber/lyft as much as possible and when I do I’m a super careful Uber user (rarely uber alone, always ask for my name and double check the license plate, always text someone that I’m getting in an uber). My husband recently asked me if I check to make sure the child lock is not on when I climb in and it had never occurred to me to do so. Passing along in case anyone else would appreciate that reminder.
Anonymous
I didn’t know this was a thing – how would you be able to tell if the child lock is not on when you get into the car?
Anon
The child lock on windows is up front w/ the driver and can be turned on mid-ride. The door one is usually a mechanical switch in the door jam.
Anon
It’s a tiny little nub on the side of the door that you see when you open the door. http://www.asahi.com/ajw/articles/AJ201908270035.html
Anon
Yeah I don’t do Uber and Lyft unless there is NO other option. Given that I live in DC and travel to NYC constantly, cabs are always an option. I want to support the cab industry esp in NYC where it’s shrunk by 25%+ and honestly I don’t get what’s so great about Uber/Lyft. Just because it arrives via handy dandy app doesn’t mean you aren’t getting into a STRANGER’S car, which almost always is also uninsured (if you’ve gotten car insurance lately all the major insurers read you policy exclusions and the top one in there is – your insurance is invalidated if you use it for Uber/Lyft/any other ride service. Sure there’s commercial insurance for commercial car companies but no way these people are paying more money for that.). And while I have no data on it, a good % of people driving for Uber/Lyft are shady people. In the best economy we’ve had in years, these people can’t pick up some other side gig? Want to know why — it’s because they can’t the minimal background checks that are in place for service jobs. I’ve been against Uber/Lyft since day 1. The only times where I’ve found NO option is in secondary markets where the one cab co. was driven out of business when Uber arrived but in major markets esp at places like airports, there’s always cabs to be had.
Anonymous
This. Uber/Lyft drivers are the people who can’t pass the background checks to be cab drivers. I avoid whenever possible.
Anon
I have family and friends who drive for Uber, and they most certainly do pass background checks. They drive for Uber or Lyft because it’s easy for them to do it part-time and around their work schedule. Your ignorance is astonishing.
Anon
I don’t disagree on your insurance point, but I think your statement of “a good % of people driving for Uber/Lyft are shady people” is thoroughly unfair. The appeal to Uber/Lyft is that it can be decent money on your own schedule, if you can control your costs, and between early morning airport runs and late night events and bar shuttle driving, you can probably find a time that works for you to drive regardless of your schedule. I’ve had several friends and my brother drive Uber and Lyft, for reasons ranging from being on the job hunt to being consultants/freelance who wanted supplemental income. One created his own private car service company out of his Uber driving as he picked up some regulars who needed frequent, regular runs to the clinic for treatments. Side-gigs can be a total scheduling headache. When I was in my early 20’s, I worked evening and weekend shifts at a coffee shop I had worked at in college. I made some decent extra income, but the scheduling was NOT forgiving.
Of my last 10 drivers, a few were semi-retired people looking for something to do, a couple doing it as a second job or between jobs, and a couple were immigrants who provided great service. I’ve only been nervous in an Uber once, and I sent my location out for tracking. It ended up being fine, but I did report the driver for saying some creepy things.
Anonymous
Yea, the first time I took an Uber, the driver was a cop on his off day. I think there’s a wide range of people who drive. I’ll take both uber/lyft and cab depending on the situation, but in smaller towns, I find the uber/lyft drivers less sketchy than the cab drivers. I took a cab from the airport of a medium-sized southern town once after a fairly late evening arrival and nope, never again. As I tell my husband, at least if my uber driver murders me, the gps is on and they know where to start looking for my body.
Anon
I live in a city with a ton of performing arts people (Nashville) and I feel like all of my Uber drivers lately have been singers/songwriters who like the flexibility and ease of deciding when to work and when to stop. They are not shady people and to characterize them all this way is irresponsible.
Of Counsel
I am just going to address the insurance point because I had the unpleasant experience of getting in an accident in a cab in California and learning that cabs are not required to have uninsured motorist coverage and their liability limits are not that high. I would have been much better off in an Uber (Uber carries $1 million in liability insurance while their drivers have passengers or are on route to pick someone up and have uninsured motorist coverage). This varies by jurisdiction but in my city the Uber limits are much higher than what my state requires of cabs ($350K).
My own uninsured motorist coverage applied so that helped but there is this general sense that taxis have better coverage than Uber and that is just not true in a lot of places.
Anon
I actually had a close call in an Uber not too long ago, and since then have primarily stocked with cabs or only Ubers where the driver is a woman. Before that, I was a total Uber supporter.
I was wearing a cocktail dress and a thigh length coat, and had makeup on. It was fall, so my legs showed and I didn’t wear dark tights. I’m fairly good looking as I dabbled in modeling growing up. For whatever reason, I had a weird sinking feeling of dread when I saw my Uber driver’s photo. He just looked very lecherous. Some men just have that lecherous look. But he had high ratings, and also hundreds of reviews, so I pushed that feeling away. But when he showed up, he turned around to ogle me, especially my legs. He also locked the door immediately after I got in, and kept looking at me through the rear view mirror. The locking the door part was not too surprising since some cab drivers do that for safety purposes. I ignored his looks and started texting my mom about where I was, my Uber driver’s info, and and where I was headed. I almost never do that. But that guy gave me the creeps, so I did it right away. Thankfully, my mom was checking her phone at the time and responded right away. I kept trying to push the nagging feeling away and went on social media on my phone.
By the time I looked up from my phone, I realized that he was driving in the complete opposite direction of where I was going, to a low-income, rundown portion of a town near by. I was going to midtown Manhattan, and he had drove me to northwest Union City in NJ (this was no high way either, so no way he was getting lost). It was the worst feeling of my life. For some reason, I was so paralyzed by fear I did not even dare asking him where we were going. I thought about doing the Uber alarm thing but figured that might alarm him as well. I thought about calling the police but figured that might also call his attention. I texted my mom and sent her a Google pin of my address. Finally, I started scanning around the car for things I might be able to hit him with if he were to try something. I tried to roll down the window, but it was locked and would not open. I was panicking but still mute and for the life of me could not say anything. I then started starting at his GPS. He must have sensed that I was no longer preoccupied with my phone but in alarm mode. I saw him pretend to play around with the GPS, but in doing so he magnified my destination, which showed Harvard Club of NY. It seemed to be the first time that he realized this, and he immediately took a turn and started going in the direction of Manhattan. It felt like we were at a critical juncture, where he was about to get on a high way to even rural areas, but he changed his mind. Even at the end, when he let me off, he turned his head and kept staring at my legs as I left the car. I couldn’t help but wonder if my destination address had saved me, because he thought that I might be someone important, and that if he did something to me, there will be greater consequences.
The more disturbing part was what happened next. I decided to report what happened to me to Uber and ask that they investigate it. But Uber kept sending me these weird questionnaires, asking me if I was really sure that it was him, before it would finalize my report. So in the end, I decided not going through with the report. Given this experience, I imagine the actual number of women who were assaulted in an Uber is probably much higher.
In terms of immigrants, in NY and NJ, the vast majority of Uber drivers are actually illegal immigrants or students who are not legally allowed to work. In my case, it was clear that my driver was from China and was an illegal immigrant. I look Chinese, which might be why he felt emboldened to take me on a detour. But I also felt bad about reporting him, since in the end nothing happened. He did take me on a 1h detour of my original ride (supposed to be 30min), and the only thing Uber can see is the trip route. Plus, this was probably his only means of survival.
Anon
IDK why this generations default mode is — LOOK AT YOUR PHONE. Uh no — when something uncomfortable or shady is happening, text someone but do NOT look at your phone and be so distracted that you don’t even realize you’ve crossed from NYC to NJ!? I mean you could have done anything from started giving directions to passively aggressively turning on your own GPS on your phone with the volume on so he could hear that you too were looking at where you were going and knew you were going the wrong way.
Anon
Yeah, lesson learned. I guess I trusted Uber so much since I never had any sketchy experience like this in the years leading up to it. Looking back, my though was that if being passive aggressive or confronting him might lead to him making up his mind and being more determined to do something to me. Based on the routes he was taking, my instinct was that he was still making up his mind and wasn’t fully there yet. I figured confronting him might push him over the edge, so I just stared at him intently.
Anonymous
If I’ve ever had a shady situation, I immediately call my assistant, DH, BFF or mom/dad and start talking to them about meeting them, that I’m on my way in the Uber/cab and that I’ll see them in x minutes. I continue talking to them until I get to my destination. All five of them know that if I call them like this, and I’m not actually meeting them, that I’m suspicious of whoever is driving me and they start tracking location on my phone.
Anon
I thought about doing that. But then I remembered a news story that my mom had sent me about a girl who was murdered, and how she had called her boyfriend in front of the driver and told him that she was feeling uncomfortable, how her phone was shut off right away, and they were not able to find her body until later. So my thought was that given this risk, I’d rather be able to not draw attention to my phone, keep it longer to update my location, than to cause him to take it away from me. If we were in more urban areas, then yeah that would be a no brained. But at that point, we were already in a place where there was no one else around. Anyway, it’s hard to say which strategy is better.
Anonymous
You call instead of text when you first feel off, so it’s clear that someone is waiting at your destination for you to arrive. You reference your location from time to time, ‘we’re at 4th and 23rd so I should be there in like ten minutes max, tell me about aunt susie’s christmas party in the meantime’ etc. If you’re narrating your drive to a third party, there’s a pretty low chance that he’s going to try something.
Anon
I’m really sorry that happened to you. I urge you to follow up with Uber still – I get that it was very frustrating but perhaps you’ll get somewhere now that these reports have come out.
Anonymous
GIFT OF FEAR!
anon
Sorry this happened to you. How could you know just from looking at a person that they were an illegal Chinese immigrant…?
Anonymous
Work holiday party this weekend. I plan to wear black tights, black sequin pencil skirt, and deep cranberry vintage top. The top has a high neckline, similar to link below, but no mesh (it’s a suede/velvet type material). I almost never wear jewelry but it feels a little plain up top without something. I normally only wear studs but am thinking maybe a necklace? Any suggestion for this neckline, especially with the sequin skirt?
https://www.macys.com/shop/product/inc-ruched-illusion-top-created-for-macys?ID=2548415&pla_country=US&CAGPSPN=pla&cm_mmc=Google_Womens_PLA-_-RTW_Womens_INC_International_Concepts_-_GS_Tops-_-222728698027-_-pg1050658075_m_kclickid__kenshoo_clickid__KID_EMPTY_933437689_43432219421_222728698027_pla-499011344810_706254622493USA__m_KID_&trackingid=424×1050658075&m_sc=sem&m_sb=Google&m_tp=PLA&m_ac=Google_Womens_PLA&m_ag=Tops&m_cn=RTW_Womens_INC_International_Concepts_-_GS&m_pi=go_cmp-933437689_adg-43432219421_ad-222728698027_pla-499011344810_dev-m_ext-_prd-706254622493USA&catargetid=120156340028076541&cadevice=m&gclid=Cj0KCQiA_rfvBRCPARIsANlV66MjaOI2JGl4X5D0bQJQSdmuDBpYuYPaL0RvklF7bSQQRw_KHUnRPWsaAjL1EALw_wcB
Anon
My favorite holiday look is no necklace and really major earrings. This is the time to wear those giant dangly rhinestone things in the back of your jewelry box. But no necklace. You can wear a fun bracelet or cocktail ring too, father away from your maj earrings.
Senior Attorney
I think this idea is perfect for your lovely outfit!
Irish Midori
Does anyone have a staff evaluation form/system that you like (law firm context)? I generally hate annual evaluations and find them useless (probably a common sentiment), but realize we have to do something, if for no other reason than to document and justify employment decisions. I have to think there’s a form or method out there that’s better than what we’re doing, though. (Seriously, there should not be a section for “dresses appropriately.” We are not in high school, and if that’s a problem, it needs to not wait for the annual evaluation.)
anon
Any gift ideas for a gardening (real gardening: plants, vegetables, flowers) enthusiast? MIL is a great gardener and I would like to celebrate her skills with fancy gardening tools and supplies. She lives far away, so I cant just take a look at her tools and try to get an upgrade.
Cb
Does she plant vegetables? I wonder if she’d like something like one of those raised vegetable trugs with the covers? Or some of the fancy dahlias.
Irish Midori
Maybe a gift certificate for American Meadows or similar national supplier, or her local favorite nursery? I love to garden, and this is something I would love. If you buy her specific plants (like from Am. Meadows, which ships at the appropriate season for planting), just make sure you know her growing zone so you get something that will do well where she lives. My mom got me some bearded irises from there one year, and even though they didn’t ship to me until spring, I was excited about them at Christmas.
lsw
Adding to this recommendation Old House Gardens.
Anon
Felco pruners, if she doesn’t already have a pair, are awesome and well worth the price. They make left and right handed models, as well as a slightly petite handled version for those of us with smaller hands.
Anonome
How about a subscription to Seed Savers Exchange? They have beautiful rare and heirloom seeds and bulbs. My daffodils from them get compliments from drivers-by.
Anon
Ooh, I love to garden and would enjoy something like this.
notinstafamous
I got my SIL the avid gardener a package of seeds of Canada’s most recently legalized plant! We’ll see how Christmas goes.
Anonymous
Felco pruners (I like the F-6), a gift certificate to Terrain or Gardener’s supply
Anon at 10:06
This might be too late for you to see, but if you wanted to do a package, I think the books “Peonies” and “Dahlias” by Georgianna Lane both look beautiful for coffee table books, and are supposed to have good practical tips for growing the plants. Maybe one of those with a pack of seeds/bulbs and a couple of tools.
OP
If you want a seasonally useful option, my FIL recently requested that we help him order some grow-lights for his indoor plants. AFAIK, he’s just growing some violets and orchids, but…
2020
I’m a person that does really well with challenges (for some reason, the joy of eating healthy and working out is not enough to keep me motivated) so for 2020, I’m trying to do a different wellness/health/fitness challenge every month. So far, I have things like yoga every day, no alcohol, no takeout, core exercises every day etc.
Any suggestions? I’m trying to come up with a really good list of 12 that I can cycle through in 2020.
Anonome
A Whole30 challenge would fit right into your monthly theme.
Cb
Meditation? A plank challenge? A certain number of sun salutations?
In-House in Houston
Great idea! One of mine is to send a written letter/card to one person every month. No one sends written letters or cards anymore, and I know when I get them I really love them. I already bought 12 fairly generic cards and I calendared them. So depending on what’s going on that particular month (friend having a hard time, celebrate a promotion, etc.) I can write a note on the card and pop in the mail.
Anon
I’m the same way and also do monthly challenges! My most successful have been no sugar (aimed for a month and went a month and a half) and no shopping (except consumables that I will actually consume; did two months). The no shopping challenge meant that I bought fewer sweets and, surprisingly, had more time to work out and cook healthy food. I also did Whole30 (lost a ton of weight and gained it all back when the month was over).
Anon
Anyone else in the fix where your boss is a workaholic and you’re the opposite? I don’t mean that I’m a slacker, far from it, but I don’t believe in working nights or weekends except for rare exceptions and my boss works them routinely (even when it’s not necessary for our projects) and would rather work late than delegate junior tasks. She also prioritizes and rewards staff who stay late rather than staff who come in early, even if the late people are only late because they arrived at 10:45 am and spent half the day chatting. I have no interest in changing my schedule to be more like hers (I need more time, not less, to pursue my hobbies and goals), but is it possible for me to move up based on the high quality of my work or will differences in our philosophies ultimately shoot me down? I’m already halfway looking for another job, but thought I’d seek out some other opinions.
Anonymous
You need a new job
Anon
I’d change “halfway looking” to “looking.” It just won’t work out long term.
NYCer
+1. I had a boss like this at an old job, and now I don’t, and my work-life is way way better.
anon
This is a mismatch that will be hard to overcome, unfortunately.
anoon
+1. I like to work, and I work a lot, and yet my former boss was on an entirely different level.
Anon
I don’t know your industry, but I would also add – make sure that this is specific to her and not to your industry/field as a whole. Some fields are like this. I know mine, for instance, very much prioritizes evening over morning availability (because, clients…) and that face time, at the beginning, is vital for building those relationships that will serve you well in a few years. At a certain point in seniority, it stops mattering, because you’re doing so many external meetings/travel/social functions that no one knows what on earth you’re up to when you’re not in the office (great for having kids – noon parent teacher conference? sure – no one knows you’re not at a meeting).
Anon
Yeah, unfortunately it’s her and not the industry (at least what I know about it). I worked at a competitor company before this and NEVER had this problem – everyone had very different schedules and the company had great technology to facilitate working remotely, etc. Sounds like the writing is on the wall for me.
rosie
I think the only way this mismatch in work habits can lead to success for you is if your boss is self-aware about it and recognizes that you are hardworking and efficient (potentially more efficient than others that you work with, it sounds like). And it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.
Hair dryer recommendations
My hair dryer is threatening to blow up on me. While I liked my Revlon ceramic/ionic hair dryer, I’m already on my second one in 5 years(?). Recommendations for a hair dryer under $100? I know Babyliss is highly recommended, but there are still multiple options. Exactly which one? What buzzwords do I look for? Tourmaline? Ionic? Ceramic?
Mallory
I got the Rusk W8less based on this review and have had no issues with it:
https://thewirecutter.com/reviews/the-best-hair-dryer/
Anonymous
+1. I have had a Rusk w8less in my gym bag (ie used 4x/week and abused regularly) for at least 5 years now and it’s still going strong!
EM84
I love my Babyliss Pro – best result (does not overheat the hair and has the strongest air current of all hair dryers I tried so far), will last years (and I blow dry my hair daily), plus the ergonomy is great. I believe I have Caruso model. Make sure you choose from the PRO range of Babyliss, not the consumer ones. Other names are Excess, Vulcano, Steelfx.
Horse Crazy
What do you do for stocking stuffers for the adult men in your lives? I’m at a loss – shopping for my partner
Anon
There’s a story behind this that won’t apply universally but I got cool salt and pepper shakers for my husband’s stocking.
Everyone gets a big orange in the toe and candy.
Anon.
My husband got three salt and pepper shaker sets from my parents for Christmas last year. Also because of a story. I am completely useless to the OP (we don’t do adult stockings). I’m just entertained that there are multiple people w/ S&P stories leading to odd Christmas gifts.
Anon
I do chapstick (since men need it too but seem incapable of buying it???), lottery scratch cards, chocolates, little bottles of booze, work socks, etc.
lsw
Second chapstick. I also sometimes do deodorant and/or batteries because we’ve joked about how we got them in our stockings all the time as kids. I usually do a chocolate bar, maybe a bag of nice coffee beans.
pugsnbourbon
Batteries are a great stocking stuffer!
anon
I like the little bottles of booze idea…thank you!
Cb
Nice bar soap, shaving cream, socks, boxers with a funny pattern on them, chocolate
Anon
Nice socks, nuts, candy, locally made soap in neutral/masculine scents, lotto scratch tickets, magazines or other small items related to hobbies/interests, mini bottles of liquor, hot sauce, lip balm or hand lotion if you’re in a cold climate where lips and knuckles chap, gift cards for favourite local casual restaurants.
Clementine
One thing my husband’s family always does is a magazine specific to their tastes (also helps keep the shape nice). We also do an orange and a walnut.
Other ideas: jerky, decent but not super fancy pens, socks, hand cream, babyfeet foot peel (my husband has declared that they are ‘life changing’), extra chargers, fun snacks, and sharpies.
Mallory
I love going to places like World Market and just browsing around. Fun foreign candy and snacks are especially fun.
anon
I’ve put in socks, chargers, jerky, candy, fancy toiletries, hand warmers, fancy matches, tools, and kitchen gadgets.
anon
My family tends to do big expensive stockings, so ymmv, but: paperback novels, cds, magazines, novelty boxers, socks, and savory snacks like summer sausage + mustard, pickles, cheese, canned sardines (blech!).
Julia
I just ordered some for my husband! My favorite thing is the Matador Pocket Blanket — it is seriously IMPRESSIVELY tiny, and seems super useful to just go in the bottom of a work bag or glove compartment. I also got him a set of LED light keychains, figure he can put them in his car, his work bag, etc. and some fancy chocolates. Socks are always good, or a tie rolled up.
Anon
Can you all help me with gift ideas for an extremely practical person who says he doesn’t want any gifts? It’s my husband and I would take him at his word, but 1) I know he has bought gifts for me, and 2) I don’t want him to have nothing to open Christmas morning while the kids and I unwrap gifts.
If I were answering this question I’d say books, but past gifted books have gone unread – he really only reads on his kindle.
Anonymous
Magazines, chocolate, coffee, socks, pajamas, sweater, gift card to his face local cafe.
Cat
– car stuff? new floor mats, better phone holder, gift card for detailing?
– subscriptions (or upgraded subscriptions) – like if he loves Star Wars, oddly enough Disney+ would be a good idea for him
– Yeti backpack cooler
Anonymous
Can you upgrade something he uses often? New slippers, a nice bathrobe, fancy beard stuff, nice wireless headphones, etc.?
anon
Socks. Clothes. Lots of food gifts (snack foods he likes, growler filled with his favorite beer).
I hear you; this describes my DH to a T.
Vicky Austin
Mine too. Books have worked here sometimes, but they have to be specific, hobby-based books (with lots of pictures – sometimes I think he’s secretly 8).
Other gift wins over the years: New wallet. Alllllll the socks, both basic and fun. (Socks patterned with his favorite superheroes went over really well.) Bowties. Nice leather gloves for wearing to work (my dad actually gave these to DH and they were a smash hit).
anon
Upgrading worn out stuff? Work gloves are always in short supply for some men. If he could use new undies, ex officio boxers are extremely durable, if pricey.
Anon
Gift him kindle books and wrap up a printout of the book cover you’re giving him?
Delta Dawn
Replace things he already has and uses or might run out of? New boxers, pens, razorblades, new electric razor, coffee or coffee things (travel mug, nice set of mugs for home to replace some shabby ones if that’s the case), house slippers (the ugg ones are amazing). I always get my DH a big box of Irish Spring soap. He would totally buy that himself but at least it gives him something to open with the kids. Would he like one totally kitschy gift like a drone or a radio controlled car? Something he and the kids can play with on Christmas break?
Anonymous
An upgraded Swiss Army knife? Car emergency kit with all the extras? Could be useful if you live somewhere that snows.
Anonymous
If he is a fan of A Christmas Story, a can of Simoniz car wax
Senior Attorney
I got my son a Man Crate last year and it was a huge hit. Most of them are alcohol or meat related, but I got a ramen one for my vegetarian non-drinker. The best part is that it’s literally a wooden crate and it comes with a crowbar to open it. Expensive and silly but fun and the kids would probably enjoy watching him open it.
anon
Warm socks and expensive long underwear are the two most frequently requested items among my family and my ILs. So practical, and so expensive to buy for yourself…
anon a mouse
Movie tickets
Starbucks via packets (to keep in his desk)
Fancy bar soap
Usually some sort of small tool – one year a bike multi tool, one year needlenose pliers, etc
Lots of different consumables — I usually go to World Market and buy unusual chocolates, peppermints, pocky sticks, shortbreads, etc
anon a mouse
Sorry, that’s stocking stuffers for men
iPad Pro Note Taking
I just got an early Christmas gift – an iPad Pro from DH. I’ve been whining about having bad note taking system for work and DH heard me and delivered. I religiously take notes in a notebook in all of my meetings, dating and time stamping, listing attendees, too, but then if I get a call a week later I’m furiously paging through my notebook trying to find the notes on demand, and it just sucks. Pumped to be able to digitize this!
So, what are the best apps for note taking? I’m in business development and client facing. Lots of meetings with clients and about specific projects of clients, sometimes with different employees of said client on one deal. I’d love to be able to take handwritten notes on the iPad and then file it away under both the individuals name and the client name, maybe even specific to a project but less important. Basically tag the notes multiple ways for quick recall-ability. Are any apps better than others for this?
TIA!
Cb
I’d use Evernote for this but I wonder if you’d run into issues with confidential information? OneDrive runs off your corporate servers if you use Office365.
Tessa Karlov
Get OneNote!
RR
I have had my iPad Pro for a year and use it for similar purposes. When I did the research, the two that came up as the best were Notability and GoodNotes. I read tons of reviews to figure out which was going to be better, and they were really a dead heat. I ultimately chose GoodNotes, and I’ve been really happy with it. The search function is fast and really, really good about picking up my handwriting. I have notebooks filed by categories, but I haven’t tried tagging them with different tags. I could, but I just don’t, so I can’t really report on that functionality.
Poppies
I picked Notability because I read it was better for lefties. I love it!
Anonymous
I like OneNote. Built into my Microsoft suite and free!
Cbara
I have a discount code for Tumi: 15% off one full price item at a Tumi store or at Tumi.com. I won’t use it but I’m sure somebody out there can. It’s DE4-2F5F-Y4W3-RGE5. Not sure if more than one person can use it or not.
In-House in Houston
Thanks for sharing your discount code. I was looking for one a few weeks ago. I did my homework and found the same bag for sale at eBags at $40 less and I earned 8x the frequent flyer miles on the purchase b/c my United card had a promotion for eBags.
anon
Gift-giving seems to cause an inordinate amount of stress for so many of us. For those of you who consider gift-giving your love language — please help me understand what makes it enjoyable for you. Is it the process of picking out the perfect thing? The person’s reaction? I consider myself a fairly thoughtful gift giver and of course it’s fun to get a good reaction, but if I’m being honest? I find it pretty stressful to buy for most other adults. Just because I find it thoughtful/useful/whatever, doesn’t guarantee the other person will. And I hate the idea of burdening people with more stuff, hence why I go the practical route for quite a few people in my life.
Anonymous
I love giving gifts and I don’t take on any of this anxiety. I pick something I think the person might like in a budget I’m comfortable with and move on. I don’t actually care if it’s their favorite gift ever.
lsw
YES. I absolutely love gift-giving and it is my love language. I love selecting the perfect gift. I love finding something that people will mention months or years later, or seeing it in use. I love wrapping gifts. I love watching people open them. I love seeing things in the store that feel like a perfect fit. I buy gifts all year long when I see something I think someone will love. If someone can’t use something and donates it or regifts, I’m not offended – I just try to get stuff that is nice/long-lasting and not just junk you’ll throw away. I do respect when people say no presents, although it makes me sad!
One thing I don’t like: people who don’t like giving gifts throwing eternal shade. Eyeroll. It takes all kinds in this world, not everyone is the same.
PolyD
I have no problems with people who like to give gifts. I wish I was better at it.
But — my boyfriend is definitely a gift giver. It’s nice, and most of the stuff he gives me is good, but I’ve reached a point in life where I really, really, really don’t want more random stuff. I’ve tried to convince him to limit the gift-giving and instead spend money on going to a fancy multi-course restaurant or some experience like that.
I also don’t like that he seems to use gift giving as a chance to boast about how much better he is than I am at gift giving. Well, that’s because he just buys what he wants! Also, he is very close to hoarder level with stuff, so I hate to give him more stuff. He isn’t really into consumables like fun food or alcohol, doesn’t need more books, doesn’t need clothes, doesn’t need kitchen items… neither of us really NEED anything, and I just wish we could chill on the gift giving.
I have literally no idea what to get him for Christmas.
anon
I hear you. I actually like buying gifts for relatives and my son, but DH and I struggle to buy each other gifts. For several years, we’ve agreed to spend the money on something we both want. A few years ago, we bought a new camera lens. Last year, we agreed to purchase event tickets. This year, we’re doing a few simple home improvement projects.
Anonymous
Are you really okay with people giving away stuff you picked out months ago because you thought they would love it?
Anonymous
like the previously posted, it’s a combination of things – sort of the “thrill of the hunt” and thinking about what the person might want or need. I don’t necessarily buy gifts all year, but I have a “gift ideas” note on my phone and when I have an idea for one of my family members or husband, I put it there. I populate that list all year as see products or I hear about gifts other people gave something else, or the person mentions likely something or wanting to try a certain thing…. I also loooooove gift wrap and wrapping gifts. So, buying gifts gives me an excuse to buy fun wrapping paper and ribbon and spend time wrapping gifts.
Anon
It’s not my love language, but I really enjoy looking for something that I think the person would enjoy and never buy themselves, and I like having a concrete way of showing “I’m thinking about you and wanted to take some time to let you know that you’re important.”
That said, some members of my family are beyond awful about gift-giving: it’s guilt and manipulation and fights.
Vicky Austin
Same here, not my love language but I do get a thrill out of showing the person I know them and think about what they like.
Anon
Gift giving is definitely my love language. I really pride myself on being a thoughtful and generous person in general, and this extends to gifts – really putting in the effort to find something I know the other person will love, or making a mental note when someone mentions something they like/want. Of course, this effort may not always be fully appreciated but that’s okay. It makes me feel good.
anon
I am both an anti-extra stuff person and someone who gets a kick out of gift giving. I keep a running note on my phone and input ideas I get throughout the year, whether because I saw something that reminded me of that person or if I heard someone say how they’d like to try XYZ Restaurant or whatever. Then when the time comes, I have personalized ideas ready.
Anonymous
I’ve always found that people with the gift giving love language say they are fine with it if the person doesn’t like it but if something is returned or donated, they get highly offended.
Either include a gift receipt or okay the gift with the recipient ahead of time (eg new iPad), if not never give something that you aren’t okay with the recipient putting directly into the donate pile.
A.
I’m on the hunt for a nylon tote/small backpack that converts (so, can wear it as a crossbody OR as a tote with shoulder straps, and also as a backpack). Usage would be weekend days running errands and/or chasing my three kids — throwing a few snacks in there, some activities to keep them busy at a restaurant, packing a scarf for me in case I get cold at someone’s soccer game, etc. Sort of a cross between a large purse and a small tote. I love the look of the Mountain Classic Cordura Tote from LL Bean but the straps aren’t long enough to fit over my shoulder and there’s no crossbody option.
Anyone have a recommendation for me? So far I’ve found the DAKINE Infinity 19L Tote Pack and the Flowfold Denizen Limited 14L Tote Backpack, but this group always has great ideas so I wanted to crowdsource. Thanks!
Cbara
Not sure if this is anything what you’re looking for but I have this and I love it. https://www.osprey.com/us/en/product/daylite-sling-DAYLTSLNG_162.html
A.
I have a similar one and love it, but am looking for something larger! Currently into the Patagonia Ultralight Black Hole 27L Tote Pack and would love some reviews.
anon a mouse
It’s pricey, but I love the look of the Tumi Jena convertible backpack and it does everything you need.
mahnamahna
I looked for this for awhile last year and finally went with an Outdoor Products backpack from Walmart for about $20. Its gender neutral, light weight, minimal logos, minimal extra straps and hiking-style clips/hooks/andsuch and just the right size for weekends out and about with two kids.
Anonymous
I just ordered the Samsonite Mobile Solution Convertible Backpack to use for work – it hasn’t arrived yet so I can’t report on how I like it, but I’m hopeful.
Annony
I have a bag from ANDI … I’ve never actually used it as a backpack, but I love that I could!
https://theandibrand.com/
Anon
I just scoured the internet looking for a messenger bag for my boyfriend and Herschel has at least a couple of these.
Formerly Lilly
Sherpani Camden Convertible Backpack. I just took my new one on a trip and love it so much it’s going to be my everyday tote bag. Unlike many convertible totes, it is very comfortable to wear as a backpack.
Towels
Having trouble finding towels that are absorbent anymore. I see that many now tout an antimicrobial feature – is that why? We want some like in hotels that are maybe a bit rough. I remember RL towels being good but I bought some in the Macy’s sale and they too are too soft and don’t dry quickly (I showered last night and it was still pretty wet this morning.
AnonInfinity
Are you using fabric softener on your towels? That can dramatically reduce absorbency!
Anon
Use the wool balls during the dry cycle instead of fabric softener, works like a charm – and a white vinegar soak prior to washing can get rid of any build up from fabric softener.
pugsnbourbon
+1. Fabric softener is the worst and you may also be using too much detergent. You can do a vinegar soak + 2 rinse cycles + one regular cycle with 1/2 the detergent you usually use.
Anonymous
No – these were washed once
Anonymous
Pottery Barn PB Classic
Sunflower
+1
HSAL
Seconding the fabric softener comment, but I agree that rougher towels are more absorbent. I really like The Big One brand from Kohl’s.
Go for it
I’ve had success with the 100% cotton various ribbed towel collections
from H & M. We never use fabric softener.
Anon
You need thinner ribbed towels, not thick terrycloth. Mine are from Gilden Tree and have held up great.
nona
Target. Their Essentials line (which is the cheapest one, I think). I’ve got ones that have a square grid on one side, but like them much better than the plush-y Threshold bath towels.
Anon
I switched to peshtemals. Lighter, thinner towels seem more absorbent to me in general. I honestly think the back side of a beach towel is the most absorbent thing I’ve found (but the front of a beach towel is useless).
Anon
Try the standard Lands End towels. I know what you mean about too soft.
Favorite things
What are your favorite things that you purchased/discovered this year – that either made your life easier/more efficient/luxurious/generally better? I always find list of people’s best buys/favorite things to be helpful when selecting holiday gifts. I got a travel steamer this year and it’s been life changing.
Anon
1. Lots of microfiber washcloths. I started with 5, I’ll be getting more.
2. Anastasia dip brow (I was so late to the party on that one).
3. CeraVe Hydrating Cleanser.
4. Oat milk.
Sorry most of mine aren’t all that exciting or new but these things really did make a difference.
Houda
The common thread in all these things is that I resisted them for a while, then once I got them, this has been an amazing year:
1 – Fenty beauty, I had an attitude about buying some singer’s makeup so waited almost 2 years then tried it and loved it. I also bought a lot of new makeup and it looks fresh and flawless which helped my self esteem
2- Monthly facials. Been saying for years that I would do it because I work hard and should treat myself. I eventually found an amazing facialist who said I have beautiful skin on day 1 and keeps saying it. Having battled all forms of acne for over 20 years, and having tried everything including accutane (twice), I just needed to hear that my skin was fine, even with blemishes. I think that did me more good than the treatments
3- Showerproof hooded jacket from Barbour. The UK is very wet but they also know how to dress for the weather. I underestimated how much I’d be wearing it. I have a large grin every time I go under the pouring rain and arrive to the client site dry
4- Dyson hair dryer. Another thing where I waited almost 2 years after trying my sister’s. Total game changer for my very thick coily hair which never dries on its own
5- Finally agreeing to taking ADD medication … some 15 years after I was first diagnosed. For some reason, I prided myself in getting through college/work without “help” or “cheating”. I think some of the discussions here helped me reevaluate my deeply flawed belief that medicating a legitimate issue is but a lowly attempt at giving some people an unfair advantage (ah my ignorance… glad this is all behind me and the fog has cleared).
Anonymous
My rescue Golden Retriever, hands-down. My kid and husband are SO MUCH less whiny, bored, and needy now that there is a dog around that needs petting, walking, brushing, etc.
pugsnbourbon
A set of cheap, colorful felt-tip pens and a pair of Dr. Martens loafers.
Senior Attorney
This just happened: Cut the cord and got FireSticks for all the TVs in the house. So much better and cheaper!
Anon
The Lo & Sons Catalina. I love it. It’s sturdy and has good design with many compartments and zippers. Makes staying organized while traveling easy.
Burt’s Bees tinted chapstick in Red Dahlia. Makes me look slightly less dead, but I don’t need a mirror and it’s cheap and available at drugstores.
Julia
Using a wash/fold/delivery service for my family of four’s laundry. Is it $160/week? Yes, it is. Does it save me hours of work per week to say nothing of simmering resentment? Also yes.
Anon
Buying more pants, which means less wearing of tights this time of year.
Buying the shoes that work best for my fussy feet in every color.
Doing more freezer meals (from pinch of yum)
Getting bangs cut.
Triggers for nickel allergy
I posted about this a few weeks ago when I started getting an allergic reaction to my decade old watch, and thanks for the suggestions there! In the past week, I wore a steel necklace (that I’ve also had for 10+ years with no issues) for a single day and now there is a rough patch above my collarbone where it was. It’s been a week and it’s very, very slowly dying down. The watch reaction has also been there for a good 2 weeks without the watch at this point and is only just fading. Ugh.
My question is: I know these allergies can come and go, but does anyone have experience with things that might have triggered it? The last time I remember having this allergy was probably 25 years ago when I was a child. Could it be stress? I’ve also been swimming a lot – could it be the chlorine?
Thanks!
Anon
Probably the non-allergic coating rubbing off to reveal a metal you are allergic to. You might need to get it redipped or put on clear nail polish.
embees
If your immune system is already riled up for other reasons, the watch/necklace might just be the visible outlet of an overall high histamine/inflammation level. Especially if you’ve seen two different dermatological reactions (e.g. the watch + necklace), it’s less likely to be that something about the watch changed.
Anon
I wore a brass chain fairly regularly for years (part of an antique necklace), then I realized it had started giving me welts on the back of my neck. I stopped wearing it for a while, tried again, immediate welts. I changed the chain out for a tiny pearl strand that is appropriate to the necklace and no problems since.
Anonymous
Can I say something or object to this? A friend recently passed away. His family asked his friends to record videos sharing their favorite memories or anecdotes. The videos were to be compiled and shown at funeral-related events and then presumably kept by the family. Apparently, one of the friends who was helping with the compilation has decided to post them publicly on YouTube. I’m kind of uncomfortable with that – my clip was intended to be an expression of grief and thankfulness to be shared with a smallish group who also loved my friend. There’s nothing inappropriate on there, but I’m not the kind of person to make public proclamations about my feelings. Maybe I should’ve seen this coming? Would anyone else think this is weird or inappropriate?
Anon
I would also find it weird and inappropriate to post publicly without permission. I wouldn’t want to bother the deceased’s immediate family with this, but if the person who made the compilation was just a friend, I would have no hesitation reaching out and asking him to delete my part.
Anonome
I would contact the poster and request it be removed as well, you’re not at all out of line. If you don’t get traction, and you feel strongly about it, you can escalate by contacting YouTube directly.
Anonymous
Insane.
Anonome
Nope, thanks for playing. Some people still actually like their privacy.
Anonymous
Please don’t. They’re just looking for an easy way to share with other grieving loved ones. Don’t make this time about you by demanding they take it down or recut it.
Anon
It’s not “making it about you” to not want a private video diary that you recorded for a funeral to be publicly viewable by literally the entire world. OP did the deceased’s loved ones a kindness by participating and sharing her memories of him, and it’s not unreasonable to expect they treat her with kindness in return and that includes asking permission to share her video on the internet. And OP is grieving too, something that your comment ignores.
Now that I know there are people that think like you, I’ll never participate in recording anything for a funeral, because I don’t do public videos discussing my deepest feelings.
Anon
There are many easy ways to share things online without posting them publically. The friend didn’t have the right to make them public without asking permission. I would reach out to him and ask for it to be taken down.
Anon
You can post a private video on YouTube and only people who receive a link can view, which is the obvious way to share this with friends and family members who missed the funeral. There’s no reason this needs to be public and it isn’t an unreasonable request to take it down or change the privacy settings.
Senior Attorney
Yes, I think OP should request that it be made private.
Anonymous
Totally agree. You’re not named so it’s not searchable by SEO.i I think you’re being selfish considering how much this likely means to the family and contacting the platform is plain nuts. Maybe suggest to the friend that it be stored on a google drive instead. That way only those receiving the link can see (it’s in the share settings).
rosie
I do think it’s not appropriate — there are pretty easy ways to share a video via cloud services. However, if your content being public is ok just not great (as it seems to be — you said you didn’t say anything inappropriate, it was just generally meant to be private), I would let this go. Don’t add to another grieving person’s burden. And sorry for the loss of your friend.
Houda
I would not mention it at all to the deceased’ family but would contact the person who made the video and propose the following (I ordered it by ease of execution for the film maker but the only criterion is your level of comfort with the outcome):
– Changing the video setting from “Public” to be only visible when you have the link, i.e. not searchable. Perhaps it’s already the case
– Take it down. There are rules about featuring people on public videos and you never gave a media consent
– If your concern is only about being recognized: they can superpose a black screen to your video part and not show your name but keep the audio
– If having your voice there is also a problem then they should edit out your part of the video either directly on Youtube editor or edit it offline and republish it without your content (I assume they shouldn’t care about “losing” views or likes as a proxy for how liked the deceased was)
Winter
I’m sure you’re not the only one made uncomfortable by this. I would reach out to the person who posted it and gentle remind them that the intention was for this video to be private and request that they take it down. Chances are there are people who don’t know that it’s on youtube and who would be equally uncomfortable, whether they’ve also spoken up or not.
C.
What advice would you give to a person struggling with consistency and reliability? I’m a junior associate (and about 4-5 years older than the typical junior associate) at a law firm and the feedback has not been great. I really struggle to meet deadlines, which is not ideal as a lawyer. I haven’t missed any crucial deadlines, primarily just internal or not court related deadlines. I don’t want to be that inconsistent associate, but it is something I am actively struggling with… Any advice on how to improve?
Anon
Can you walk us through, at a very granular level, what happens when you have a deadline and don’t make it? As in – it’s the day before you owe the item to the senior associate – what happens that day? Do you still think you’re going to make it when the day starts? What’s generally the reason that you don’t?
Anonymous
Get therapy and job hunt. Idk why you’re missing deadlines but it will get you fired.
Anonymous
I agree that more info would be helpful – you should repost tomorrow at an earlier time and include an explanation of 1 or 2 times you missed a deadline and why.
I will say that most of the time I see junior associates struggle with this, they are (1) underestimating the time it takes them to complete a task and/or (2) not accounting for the fact they may get other work that needs to get done between when I assign it and when its due. From a practical perspective, this almost always means they need to stay later or come in earlier to add more hours to their day to get the work done.
As an example, let’s say I assign them something on Monday and ask for it by end of day on Wednesday. They complete half of the assignment on Monday afternoon. On Tuesday, someone else gives them something urgent, which they complete at 7pm on Tuesday. Instead of staying late on Tuesday, they go home at 7pm and assume they can finish the second half of my assignment by COB Wednesday. On Wednesday morning, they come in normal time and the assignment either takes longer than they thought or new work (calls, emails to respond to, etc.) comes in and they don’t get it done. What they should have done is stayed late on Tuesday to get as much done as they could or complete the assignment.
Anon
I would add to (1) and (2) that I often see junior associates not treating internal deadlines as “real” – so a junior will assume that it’s okay if they’re a bit late sending something to me, because they know that it’s not the deadline for the doc to go to the client. This REALLY annoys me because then the junior associate is essentially rearranging my schedule without permission (given that I’ve typically set that internal deadline based on what else I have to do and how much time I need to review and give feedback). For juniors, the senior associate or partner is the client – so make sure you treat those internal deadlines as just as critical as external deadlines. For your purposes, they are.
Anonymous
I think step #1 is to see internal deadlines as crucial deadlines. Maybe I’m reading too much into your short post, but these deadlines aren’t “just” internal deadlines that aren’t that critical. Other people have to do stuff too – and you being late means they’re now a lot more crunched than they expected. It’s pretty inconsiderate.
Step #2 is to tell yourself that the deadline is the day before the actual deadline. You always want a day to re-read your work with fresh eyes. Sometimes that won’t be possible – i.e., I need research on X within 2 hours – but if you have more than a day to do something, then you should sleep on it and then read it the next morning.
Step #3 is better and earlier communication with your superiors. If you have 2 days for an assignment, and at the end of day 1 you’re barely scratching the surface, then ask for help. You might be on the wrong track and they can course correct, or the assignment might be larger than they expected and they can give you more time. Don’t wait until it’s an emergency.
Alanna of Trebond
So potentially going against the grain here. As a junior, sometimes I knew that the work product would be way better if I took a bit more time on it. Often, the seniors/partners I would be working for were unlikely to review the work product right away. So I would tell the senior people that I will be needing additional time on something.
In general, my motto was that it was better to take longer and make it better.
Anon 4 this
[Also posted on the other site]
A thing happened at work a little while ago and I’m having a really hard time moving past it. I was on leave, returned, and learned that my boss missed the deadline to put me up for a significant promotion. I can be put up next year, but there is nothing that can be done until next winter. I thought this was a risk with me being out on leave, so I talked to my boss and a couple other senior folks to help my boss or reach out to me while I was on leave to make sure they had the information they needed from me / knew they could reach out if they needed anything. (There is a package of materials that have to be completed and the package was being revised for this year so I couldn’t see a copy before I went out.) I checked in about it while I was on leave and everything seemed fine. But still the deadline was missed. I thought I was fine and that I would just move on, but I feel so betrayed. Its incredibly distracting during the day and making me angry at everyone and everything. I don’t believe this would have happened if I wasn’t on leave. Of course I can’t say if I would have ultimately gotten the promotion, but I’m as certain as one can be that the deadline wouldn’t have been missed. So now what? Stay? Go? All I want to do is scream or possibly cry (postpartum hormones are not helping this either).
nona
1. Give yourself some time to feel upset about it. It absolutely sucks – you anticipated this as an issue, you tried to mitigate the outcome, but it happened anyway.
2. Is there an official channel where you can register the frustration? What has your manager’s response been? Apologetic, dismissive?
3. Do you otherwise like the work and the people? If yes, I wouldn’t go just because of this. I would think of it as a first strike, and an indication that your manager (at least) isn’t doing their job in retaining their reports. Maybe casually start to see what else was out there. It would definitely be a data point and would cause me to pay attention to what else was/wasn’t happening.
Shaving Issues
DH refuses to shave more than once every two days, citing sensitive skin. Trouble is, the edges of his beards start hurting me after half a day, and I develop acne on my chins. It’s gotten to a point where we are careful not to kiss om that second day, much less gardening. Any recommendations for solving this? Different shaving cream? Different razors?
Maybe a separate issue, but I feel rejected and a bit resentful, as though DH can’t be bothered to shave for my benefit and doesn’t want to kiss or garden with me all that much. Yes, I do realize I’m taking it personally when it may or may not be the case.
Anonymous
Has he tried the Art of Shaving routine? It’s a bit pricey and involved, but it was what really helped my husband’s face and he developed better shaving habits/routine as a result.
His skin got less sensitive over the years. He now uses the Harry’s line from Target and likes it.
Anon
Would growing out his beard be helpful? I find beards much less prickly than stubble.
Anon
+1 he should do this
OP you should not take this personally. His sensitive skin is as valid as yours.
Anonymous
Can he just grow a short beard and use beard oil to keep it soft if needed?
Anon
He needs an electric razor.
Anon
I see both sides of this, and I don’t think it’s uncommon for (some subset) of men to struggle with daily shaving due to irritation. Could you work on kissing technique that is more “lips forward” and involves limited face rubbing? Does face moisturizer help? Different razor? I think there needs to be compromise on all sides and it doesn’t sound like he understand that…
Anonymous
It’s really weird that your skin is this sensitive, but you seem to not believe his also is. Garden, but don’t kiss on the mouth so much.
No fail gift recommendation
My FIL has this rule: EDR. If I can’t eat it, drink it, or read it, I don’t want it.
For everyone struggling with ideas for the hard to shop for person, go with EDR!
Anon
I like this rule in theory, but I stopped buying my father books when I learned he had 836 unread books on his Kindle. He is 70 years old, there’s no way he’s going to read all those book in his lifetime (especially because he keeps acquiring new ones) so giving him a book is just flushing money down the toilet.
PolyD
Not disagreeing with your stopping buying books, but sometimes just the idea of having all those books to potentially read is a delight to many of us.
But I did giggle at the idea of 836 books on a Kindle. That’s pretty epic!
Anon
Got my Hamilton tickets today!!! (Just the touring production.) I know I’m the last person in the world to see this show, but man I’m excited!
Anon
I saw it at the Kennedy Center in DC. Such a great show. I listened to the soundtrack for weeks ahead of the show.
Ribena
You did not throw away your shot! Enjoy the show!
Original Moonstone
It’s going to be wonderful! I’m happy for you.
Horse Crazy
I saw it on Saturday in San Francisco and OMG IT WAS AMAZING.