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Updated: Dec 6, 2019 224 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Something on your mind? Chat about it here. I am not a huge fan of lace trims for work camisoles, nor am I a fan of strappy camisoles like this for the office — but for the weekend I think they can be a fun look, layered under sheer(ish) sweaters and tops, under “ugly Christmas sweaters” and other outfits. This one has a TON of great reviews, comes in four colors, and is only $39 — score! This one is from BP., but Gibson and Halogen have something similar, as does City Chic for plus sizes. Pictured:  Lace Trim Satin Camisole Top This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!

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Comments

  1. Anon

    I am not fully sure what I am asking here, so bear with–how do you recover from a toxic work situation? I left a few weeks ago. The first few weeks were filled with weird stress and dreams about all of the stuff I left behind–like I forgot to do X or I need to follow up with Y. Now I feel sort of deflated. I’m home jobsearching, and it’s actually going well–I’m interviewing with five different companies already. But…I think I have PTSD or something? It’s almost like a cycle of grief or betrayal–I worked my arse off for these people–it was nuts. How do I move on without burdening my (normal) friends with this? I don’t think seeming a therapist would help because then it would dredge up all the “And another thing…” toxic work memories. Is this post-burnout burnout? HALP.

    • Anon

      Yes I went through this after being fired from a toxic job this summer (where I worked like crazy and gave 110% of my time and energy). It was pretty devastating, and I wish I had gone to therapy at the time because I found it really hard and I could have used someone to tell me I wasn’t crazy. What helped was finding a job that was sane and normal, and just giving myself time. Good luck!

    • anon

      Therapy will help because it will help you work through the stress you suffered. Trying to forget it and ignoring it isn’t the same thing as moving on constructively, and isn’t effective. I went through something similar as Anon at 1:48. Toxic work environments are crazy-making and you lose your ability to trust yourself and your perspective gets skewed. Therapy helps undo that.

    • Ellen

      Hugs, but it will get better. You are in demand, so who cares about the old place. It’s like an old boyrfreind. Sure it is difficult at first not having a boyfriend, even tho he was toxic, b/c you all of a sudden are without something familiar; even tho toxic. But as soon as you are able to start fresh at a new job, the old job will be a distant memory, like a bad old boyfriend. Believe me, you will not miss the negativity on the old job. I worked at a place where nearly all of the guys went out of their way to come over and pinch my tuchus. They said it was “good luck” for them on the job to pinch my tuchus, so all of a sudden, my tuchus was fair game. I wonder what would have happened if they said it was good luck to squeeze my boobies? Fortunateley, I never had to find out! So hang in there and your new firm will NOT be any worse. FOOEY on the old work place!

    • Anon

      If you go to therapy, you can express your concern about re-living all of the details. That’s something a good therapist will understand and work with.

    • Anon

      I think a therapist is a great idea. I did not see a therapist after leaving a toxic job and I regret it – still dealing with what feels like an anxiety / self-doubt hangover

    • Aquamaltal

      I wish I could leave my toxic work behind, but I can’t afford quitting before I find a new job.
      I’ve read that 80% of pain in the world is non-physical. And as I’ve read in one Chinese book, when you get hurt you choose whether you get wounded or get wiser. So that’s my mantra for survival.

    • Anonymous

      Hi I am responding so late, I hope you see this! I can relate, I was in a really toxic work situation that I was fired from 2 years ago. I am in a very good, healthy work environment now. It’s been 2 years! And I still get the stress dreams and have full on panic mode triggered by very innocuous things. I don’t mean to belittle PTSD but I do really think it is PTSD or something similar. If therapy is an option for you I highly recommend it- that’s where I’m at now and should have done years ago.

    • Anon

      I went through a job situation from hell four years ago, and I wish I had sought therapy sooner. At my next job, I essentially developed PTSD: intense, crippling flashbacks; panic attacks at the thought of anything that reminded me of that previous job (never had a panic attack before in my life); inability to properly to my job because terror would grip me.

      It was a brutal situation and is only slowly getting better. This really only gets better with time and therapy, because you need to hear about how dysfunctional it is from someone who isn’t just the voice in your head.

    • Anonymous

      I have so many questions: do you wear lipstick? do you like red sauce? do you like sauces that are creamy? do you have children? do you like red wine? I don’t think that daily-use cloth napkins exist. I’ve heard of people re-purposing cloth diapers, but I’ve not done it.

      My mother, who is southern and knows her way around a cloth napkin, likes them for meals with turkey with its lighter-colored gravy and nothing else. I own dozens and rarely use any.

      Williams-Sonoma has lovely hemstiched ones. Get the white b/c you’re going to need a lot of bleach. And an iron.

      • AnonInfinity

        I disagree (also southern). I get dark or patterned or jewel toned cloth napkins, but I’ve had my threshold ones from Target for several years and they’re still going strong. They still look good enough that I even use them for company! If one gets stained or ripped or anything, I just throw it away, but that hasn’t happened to many of them. I do agree it would be very difficult to keep white or light, solid colors from showing signs of wear. Mine have faded, but they look perfectly fine for anything other than a super formal dinner (which I never have anyway).

    • givemyregards

      I have the “center stripe woven napkins” from west elm (which are on sale apparently!) and really like them. They weren’t that cheap, but they wash beautifully. I encourage everyone to not bother being delicate with them and use the oxiclean stain stick if they get used to wipe up red wine or marina sauce.

    • Anon

      I just picked up a pack of 6 for $10 from world market but haven’t washed them yet so I can’t speak to that. For daily use with a kid, I don’t personally care if they are stained though! Just trying to avoid the waste of paper.

      • Anonymous

        I also use the World Market ones and have done so for years — have several colors and use them daily. Some of theme are no longer square, but who cares? They wash and dry well, get super soft but work just fine. I keep a big basket of them in our kitchen so they are easy to grab.

    • kk

      We buy the linenish ones from crate and barrel- with a busy pattern for any permanent marinara stains. Our family sits at the same seats at the kitchen table every meal, so we tie ours to the back of the chair between meals. I keep a small basket in the kitchen for cloths and napkins, and do a wash every 2 days or so.

      Here’s what were using this month – I swap them out by the seasons and toss any that look really ratty after a few years. https://www.crateandbarrel.com/evergreen-berries-napkin/s370175

    • Skipper

      I use the Threshold brand from Target. No matter how careful you are with your laundry routine, you’re gonna ruin ’em and have to turn them over for use as cleaning rags. It’s so much easier to resign yourself to this if you’ve paid ten dollars instead of forty.

      • Of Counsel

        Something I learned from washing linens at church (wine stains + lipstick = hard to keep white) is the (1) apply wine away; (2) soak in Dawn dish washing liquid and Oxiclean before washing. It really does work to remove stains!

      • anon

        I’ve been using my World Market ones since 2008 and still love them! I have blue, green, and white and keep them all out together in a basket. I pick which color to use based on what I’m eating. Very greasy–white. Tomato-based anything–dark.

    • Anonymous

      I buy vintage white napkins, either at local garage sales or off Etsy. I don’t worry about them not really matching. The older cloth stands up well to laundry.

    • Anon

      Since you said daily use, anything from here: https://www.etsy.com/shop/GinasSoftClothShop

      I got the little squares to pack with my lunch that I take to work. For home use, I got the larger ones, in single and double ply, to replace paper towels, to use as napkins, to use for anything. My husband was pretty resistant to getting rid of paper towels, but I just asked him this week if he misses them, and he said no. (It’s been 6 months probably.)

      We just toss them downstairs (i.e., in the direction of the basement laundry room) after every meal and pick them up when we next go into the laundry room. We bleach them if we have a load going or just toss them in with regular laundry if not. Some are stained, some aren’t, but we know they’re all clean.

      Btw, feel free to get what she sells as “seconds.” All mine were and I can’t tell what made them seconds.

      (If you want nice dinner napkins, hit up vintage shops. Vintage linen is lovely and often inexpensive.)

    • LC

      I have only used cloth napkins for the last 12-ish years. Dark patterns are your friend if you want them to look fresh. If you’re ok with the stains but clean look, indulge at will (but do consider vintage). And celebrate reusing!

  3. Anon

    Remember when a sexy cami under a blazer was the ultimate going-out outfit around 2008? With bootcut jeans of course.

    • Anon

      YES. That was my first thought – even earlier, because I remember this being a thing around when I graduated college in 2006.

    • kk

      Oh and a cami like this under a wide and low cut v neck sweater, with boot cut khakis or cordoroys- the very Hollister/Abercrombie- surfer-meets-preppy Rory Gilmore look!

    • Anon

      I have such a vivid memory of this. I was at Bimbo’s 365 in SF an an Elvis impersonator was doing a show. I knew the drill with Elvis shoes, so I walked up to the stage and he threw a white scarf to me.

      Then all these other women caught on and decided to do the same. I watched them go up, one after another, each wearing a silky cami, bootcut jeans, and stilettos. It was like a parade where everyone wore a uniform, but in different colors.

      Bootcut jeans have never worked on me so I was wearing a black dress. I felt simultaneously out of place and unique.

      • The original Scarlett

        Just commenting bc I loved Bimbos 365 and now you’ve got me checking on shows… (and pretty sure I wore that outfit too ;))

    • PolyD

      Okay, here’s what I don’t get with the cami as a top: how on earth do you wear a bra?? I think if you are anything larger than a small B cup, you’re going to need some support.

      I guess if you never take off the sweater or jacket?

      • Anon

        Some people are cool with double straps. Some people wore strapless. Some people had those clear plastic straps you could hook onto a bra. Some people with little boobage wore stick on bras.

        But going braless was less common back then than it is now.

        • Anon

          I was double strap all the way. I just wore a bra with a pretty strap that went well with the cami.

          • Ellen

            Yes, Rosa can wear this cami b/c she is much lighter up top then I am; I have Grandma Trudy’s genes, which means I have bigger boobies and tuchus then Rosa, and as a result, even when she was pregnant, her boobies never got much bigger then they are normally. But Ed was never unhappy over that b/c she is always so petite and cute, now even after 4 kid’s! She is very lucky, and Dad is very proud of her.

      • Anon

        I think I always wore them with one of those cardigans from Express because spaghetti straps on their own are a small chested woman’s game. I think Victoria’s Secret used to have ones with built in bras that would sort of fit, the rest were a joke.

      • Anon

        A lot of people rocked the double straps. Black bras under white camis were a lewk for a while.

  4. Anon

    Snow in the Sierras – time for skiing! So excited that we are actually getting snow, not only for selfish skiing reasons, but because California so desperately needs it. Anyone else making skiing plans this month? It’s always satisfying to get in some early-season days.

    • Abby

      Not skiing until January, but I ordered my husband new ski goggles, the Oakley Flight Deck Prizm and they came today! Good snow before Christmas is such a treat

  5. AllSaints biker jackets

    Does anyone have one? I love, but their website has no reviews. Santa said I could get one, but scared to pull the trigger. I like the ones with the quilted details (vs shearling or plain).

    • Anon

      Can you try one on in person? I bought a nice moto leather jacket a few seasons back and seriously considered an All Saints one (and many other similar jackets at the price point.) I found the fit of each jacket and each brand was very different. Unless you are going super oversized, the fit on these types of jackets isn’t very forgiving and would likely be the deciding factor. For me as a petite, athletic flat chested person, the All Saints jackets didn’t fit me well – the shoulders were too narrow compared to the size through the torso. I ended up with a Rudsak jacket which fits me soooooooo well and generates all sorts of compliments, but it’s definitely not the “nicest” jacket that I tried on in terms of material and workmanship. At the end of hte day though, fit was king for me.

      • Anonymous

        Good to know re fit. I have very narrow shoulders, so AS might be a good brand to check out. Are there chain stores (Nordstrom? N-M?) that carry them? In a smaller big city in the US, so my fancy store roster is limited / might not carry locally.

        • Anon

          I’m pretty spoiled because the mall connected to my office has an actual All Saints store, as well as a Nordstroms that sells All Saints. Not sure where they may be carried in the States.

        • Ms B

          Sounds like an excellent excuse for a shopping trip to Las Vegas . . . I believe there is an All Saints in the Cosmo and an outlet at the north outlet mall (one of my top five outlet malls in the country).

    • Triangle Pose

      Agree you should try on in person. I personally found the All Saints jackets I tried on lacking, but I know they are a favorite of others. I tried on so many brands and in the end I purchased the Iro nova biker jacket. It was worth all the try-ons, I get compliments on it all the time and it’s one of my favorite pieces.

    • Anon

      I always say this on here but leather jackets abound on the realreal. I have quite a few expensive jackets that I got there for cheap. If you are questioning whether to pull the trigger in regards to price, it wouldn’t hurt to check it out and see if you can score one cheap. I got my favorite leather jacket from there ($1600 brand new retail) for $106!

    • Anonymous

      There have been a lot of questions on here recently about AllSaints (someone posted repeatedly about one of their bags, now someone a similar thread about their jackets). It might just be a coincidence but there have been enough posts that I noticed it, so it may be some sort of marketing.

  6. Quashing a Subpoena

    Does anyone know anything about the verb “to quash”? It sounds like squash, which makes a bit more sense to me. Is Quash just a legal term? Is it used otherwise?

    • Anon

      That they’re over after the end of the month and then I’ve got at least two more months of darkness and crappy weather to get through without it being socially acceptable to play Christmas music and have Christmas lights up.

      • Abby

        Last year was my first year putting up outdoor Christmas lights at our house. I loved them, it was so wonderful to come home after work to a dark street but to have our house lit up! My husband said we should leave them up after Christmas since they made me so happy – then we were the only house with lights up and I felt awkward and bad like we were the young couple on the street that didn’t know any better and decided we should take them down over MLK.

        • Senior Attorney

          I feel like as long as they’re down by Valentine’s Day you’re doing fine!

          • NOLA

            We leave the lights on the tree (especially if they’re white lights) and decorate it for Mardi Gras!

        • anon

          Tangential, but both of my next door neighbors put up their lights the day after Halloween, and I was like WTH. But then I realized that they are both Indian and they were probably celebrating Diwali, and I’m thinking we should do it too in solidarity.

        • Anon

          I feel like you could maybe stretch classic candles in the windows through February, in a “snow covered New England inn” kind of way. But maybe that’s just me wishing ;)

      • Anonymous

        Totally acceptable to leave them up until Epiphany and eke out a few more days of lights, or go with the Eastern Orthodox date for Epiphany and leave them up clear until mid-January. Or just leave the white lights up and call them party lights.

        • Anon

          Okay, true, I definitely leave stuff up until Epiphany, but that’s only January 6th!

          • Anon

            You could go really old fashioned and leave them up until the Presentation of the Lord, which is February 2nd.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, Christmas is technically the 4th or 5th day of winter. We need Christmas in March!

      • Anon

        I remember reading the Chronicles of Narnia as a kid and how they talked about Christmas as signalling the end of a long winter. I’ve never been to the UK, but that seems unrealistic to me.

        • Anonymous

          I think it means in the sense that the 21st is the shortest day of the year so every day thereafter has a bit more light. Christmas is the start of the end of the dark period (long winter days).

      • Anon100

        Agree SO MUCH. I wish the holiday light displays at the local zoos, gardens, historic homes, etc would extend through mid-January, preferably until early February! I hate that they’re all over by the first week of Jan, and it’s two months of cold and misery at night.

    • Anon

      I’m not sure it’s that frivolous but I hate all the unnecessary purchasing of physical gifts and the fact that everybody is pushing gift guides filled with unnecessary junk. (I don’t celebrate Christmas, but don’t mind the holiday season, the music, the trees, etc. – I actually think all of that is quite lovely. But I despise the consumption.)

      • Anon

        The endless gift guides from every blogger and instagrammer are driving me up a wall. I just don’t click for the entire month of December.

        • Cat

          same – it is an avalanche of color-coordinated products and it feels like all the “influencers” are pushing the same stuff. The cookie wars are insanity.

          I do enjoy the process of picking out items I think my family will love! I just… don’t really need 6 different gift guides reminding me that AirPods exist.

      • Anon

        Same! So much unnecessary junk. I don’t exchange gifts with anyone and it makes the season so much calmer.

        • Anonymous

          Same here! I do a Secret Santa Claws exchange on Instagram where I buy cat toys and treats, but that one is actually fun and doesn’t feel obligatory.

      • anon

        SAME. I find it really weird and annoying that people buy excessive and unnecessary gifts (especially for other adults, but also to an absurd amount for children). Love the cards, the carols, the community, prevailing kindness and gratitude, the joy in ice skating and movies and hot chocolate during the season. Hate the consumption that never feels as much about the recipient as the giver.

      • Hmmm

        Yes! I hate the gift exchange. I am hoping to convince all of the adults in my family to end it next year.

    • Anon

      Not sure it’s frivolous, but the inevitable airing of grievances at the family gatherings.

      Which is why I now skip them!

    • Anonymous

      The riduculous amount of stuff my mom will buy that somehow involves plastic even though she made a big deal out of switching her plastic containers for glass ones.

      And that people seem to celebrate earlier and earlier each year and end everything on Christmas Day. People seem to forget that the 12 days of Christmas are the 25th to January 5th. Between Christmas eve and 3 kings day. My work Christmas dinner was late November this year! I want the light and parties during the darkest part of the year! Not mid-end November.

      • Anon

        I hate that because we seem to be all but skipping thanksgiving now. November is for thanksgiving! Maybe this is my love of food talking, but I love food. Thanksgiving. Is. My. Jam.

        • Anonymous

          Right? Remember when it was about Thanksgiving holding back Christmas? Now it’s like Halloween is doing that!

        • Anonymous

          Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Food and time off work and spending time with family.

      • Anon

        One part of my family is really intense about planning and it leads to some interesting celebrations. We used to take a family camping trip over Independence Day, but then the family planners pushed it earlier and earlier. One year it ended up in April! The same thing has happened with Christmas–I think our earliest Christmas so far has been October 11. We’re back in December this year because of college students scattered around who can’t show up on a random fall weekend for the family holiday celebration. I’ve always found it sort of amusing, but I know it really irritates some people.

    • Anon

      Expensive dirty santa parties. We have several of these– and most of them involve family so we can’t skip them, but it’s gotten to where we spend several hundred dollars to buy sh*t in order to hang out with our families.

      • Anon

        I hate these, they seem so wasteful! My family used to do a dirty santa that was supposed to be something random from around your house or something regifted, but then someone decided it should be new stuff with a theme, which means there are always a decent number of people shopping for an exchange that they won’t get anything they like from.

    • Skipper

      Family pajamas are mine. Like why on earth would anyone want to celebrate anything with matching long underwear? My brother’s wife was all keen to get everyone family pajamas this year. Do what you want with your own kids, Sandy, and leave me and my clothes out of it.

      • Anonymous

        OMG! We started doing it because I got the kids matching jammies one year and they demanded that DH and I match too the following year but I cannot imagine insisting that anyone outside our house match. I buy something wintery not Christmas specific so they get lots of use.

    • Anonymous

      The fact that my husband insists that we bake the traditional family cookies thick and chewy, when they are supposed to be thin and crisp. And he insists that we give these cookies to everyone we know. It’s embarrassing. They are gingersnaps. They are supposed to snap!

    • Anonymous

      I don’t really think this falls under the category of frivolous, but the thing that makes me the most grinch-y about the holidays is the requirement to tip everyone that you interact with. I hate, hate the idea that I am supposed to give my hairdresser a super large tip at christmas, to thank her for doing her job. Frankly, i go to see her every five weeks, am always on time and flexible with her lateness, i listen to her endless chatter with an open, thoughtful mind, and i tip well each time. Why do i need to get her a christmas gift as well? She should be getting me a gift, to thank me for being such a good client.

      • Anon

        You don’t. If you tip generously each time you go, there is no expectation to give an extra large random end of year tip. I do a big tip with vendors that I don’t go to very often and/or don’t tip each time I go.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t tip anyone at the holidays. I tip hair and nail people generously every time I visit them, I don’t see why they need an additional tip at Christmas. I suppose I should probably tip our cleaning people, but we use a service and they send different people every time and it doesn’t make sense that the people who randomly happen to come in December would get the tip. I hate tipping culture in general and refuse to participate in the holiday tipping mania.

        • Senior Attorney

          Re the cleaning service, my thought is that if all the customers tip, then all the workers will get tipped and it will work out. And even if it’s random people, I’m happy to brighten the Christmas of somebody who scrubbed my toilet for low wages in the holiday season.

    • Anonymous

      The fact that “I don’t want anything for Christmas” is apparently not an acceptable response to my mother and mother-in-law. It is a mental burden to come up with gifts for you to get me. I am an adult with a good job. If I need something, I buy it for myself. Can we not just save the money spent on stuff and take a trip somewhere warm instead?

      • Anonymous

        Pick 3-5 items of your fave consumables (fancy chocolate, high end bath products, whatever). Rotate list between MIL and Mom ad infinitum. No reason Mom can’t get you the fancy bath stuff one year and MIL the next.

        • anon

          This is what I’ve started doing, after being called out by this board a couple of years ago for being unreasonable.

      • Pompom

        If my hoarder MIL sends me one.more.freaking.throw.pillow I WILL DIE.
        They’re all terrible. I give them all to the dog or the thrift shop. She never visits so I can do this but I wish she would just stop.

      • Anon

        My mom keeps giving me jewelry and jewelry dishes (you can never have enough!). We have different taste in jewelry, so I’ve never worn any of the (nice) jewelry she’s given me, and my counters are all filled with unused jewelry dishes.

    • Anonymous

      The company Christmas party. This year it’s being held around 6 on a Wednesday (Wednesday and Thursday are regular work days). Many of our staff work remote in the suburbs. We’re normally a very casual office but we’ve been told we have to wear cocktail attire and bring our spouses (normally they aren’t invited). And I’m told through the planning committee that the room is too small so there won’t be more than a few places to sit. It’s blocks away from our office and no valet included. I wish I could skip entirely but there is very much a culture of you must do this if you’re at the director or VP level or else. (And candid photos of us will be shown at some point in a presentation so it will be very obvious if you’re not there. So here’s what I’m expecting: Awkward work day where some people are in jeans and others sequins, paying twice for parking which will mean $80 or so for me and an hour or two where I’m going to be hungry and have really sore feet. Possibly humiliated by the photo taken of me yesterday where I was in the middle of a serious phone call when someone nabbed a photo of me. Merry Fing Christmas.

    • Skipper

      I also want to add that I’m secretly super annoyed by family Christmas cards that are only a photo or nine and a generic printed greeting. Like “Merry Whatever please look at my children” is just not something I need in my mailbox. My insurance agent is better at holiday greetings than 90% of my friends. Sign the forking card, at least. Or get your kids to do it. Or don’t bother because we all have Instagram.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, we don’t actually all have Insta. Especially older relatives. And a fair number of people who do have insta are doing more minimal kid pics online these days. Any same age friends I send to it’s usually b/c I know they have kids and their kids, like mine, love getting real mail at the holidays. We’ve very pro any holiday traditions that don’t involve gifts.

      • Anon

        I feel the opposite – I don’t care about generic, mass produced cards people buy from stores. Give me a new pic of your cute kid to put on my fridge.

      • Anon

        You need to give up the attitude more than your friends need to give up their holiday card sending. Seriously, it’s making no one but you unhappy.

      • 780

        I totally agree. It’s just a waste of paper when I can get the exact same thing from Facebook or instagram or a text message.

      • Skipper

        To be clear, I don’t hate picture cards. I hate picture cards that appear untouched by human hands. It feels really self-promoting and impersonal to me.

        (And I’m not _unhappy_. It’s more of a “oof. this again?”

        • Anon

          Yeah, I get it. I don’t think it makes you a terrible person to send cards without handwriting on them, but I appreciate it when people take the time to write a personal message. It doesn’t have to be long, but just a personalized sentence or two is really nice. In our case, we have friends on our list who celebrate both Hanukkah and Christmas. Our printed message says Happy Holidays or Happy New Year and then we write in pen “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Hanukkah” whichever is applicable. If we got a card from them I often add something like “Loved receiving your card and seeing your family. Ben and Susie are so cute” or something like that. It doesn’t take a lot of effort to let someone know you’re thinking about them specifically as you’re writing the card.

      • TheElms

        I love mail, please send me card of any kind, signed or not. I enjoy seeing your kids or whatever card you picked out. Not all my friends are on social media though, because I’m old.

      • anon

        Sheesh, and people wondered earlier this week about why I was freaking out over Christmas cards. You can’t please everyone, I guess. Wish the grumps would identify themselves so I could just take them off the list.

      • Anon

        This is probably dependent on your circles, but a lot of my friends (and me) keep our kids off social media, so holiday cards is the only way our non-local friends ever see photos of our kids.

        • Anon

          Same! I hardly have social media and don’t post my kids on social media. The Christmas card is literally the only time most of our extended family and friends will see any photo of our children. I am so thrown by someone being annoyed by a photo card.

      • Senior Attorney

        So funny I was going to complain about the not-touched-by-human-hands preprinted and preaddressed cards, and then I decided that if you get the cards out by any means whatsoever, you’re a hero!

        • Anon

          What in the world could be wrong with pre-addresses cards? How is hand addressing cards a thing anyone cares about?

          • Senior Attorney

            I care about it. I hand address my cards because to me it shows that I took a moment to actually think about every individual person/family on my list. I sign them by hand (with a regular pen, works fine) and write a few words for the same reason. YMMV, as I said. I’m happy to get any cards, preprinted or not.

          • Anon

            No offense Senior Attorney, but I think it mainly shows that you have a lot of free time.

        • An on-y

          I suspect it’s generational – not free time. I’m 40 and it is generally considered rude in my friendship circle to send cards without some sort of note/love/individualization. (Large East Coast city for reference).

          • Senior Attorney

            I think it must be generational. Certainly back in the day it was considered quite rude. I am getting over it but I won’t lie, it’s been hard.

            Also, nota bene: A comment that begins with “no offense” is almost certainly going to be offensive. See also, “with all due respect.”

      • Anonymous

        I complained about this last year, too, and I was in the minority. But I hold to it! At least sign the d#mn thing!

        • Anonome

          Y’all obviously too young for arthritis. I’m not spending three days soaking my hands so you can feel good about ink on a card.

          • LaurenB

            I don’t see what’s so personal about a scrawled signature. Preprinted is fine. The whole point is to deploy this task efficiently.

    • Anonymous

      My husband’s relatives deciding not to exchange gifts with us because “we all have so much.” I love exchanging gifts and feel like it’s a giant message they don’t care enough to want to shop for us. So I am bailing this year and maybe by next year I will have enough grace to take our turn hosting. We usually put on a really nice dinner, but maybe since we have so much I should offer stone soup.

      • Anon

        Oof. As evidenced by endless discussion on this board, lots of people don’t enjoy receiving gifts and it causes a lot of stress for them (see above posters annoyed that I don’t want anything not being an acceptable answer stressing them out). I don’t know your in laws but I would guess they fall into that category. And your life will probably be happier if you make that charitable assumption about them as well.

        The comment about stone soup seems particularly spiteful. Some people really don’t like stuff. It’s not a personal affront.

        • Anonymous

          They aren’t ascetics living minimal lives, they are judging how we live and deciding we don’t “need” gifts. I don’t need to be judged by some random people who ended up in my extended family by quirk of marriage.

          • Anon

            I’m not a minimalist by any means but I still don’t want gifts. It’s not an all or nothing. There may be more than you are posting here but they also asked you to not buy them gifts so I’m not sure why you are making this all about just YOU not getting gifts. Seems like you’re missing out on the whole spirit of gift giving. No one owes you stuff.

        • Anon

          This, a million times this. I can’t imagine someone making the assumption that I don’t care about them just because I politely tell them I don’t want to exchange gifts.

          • Hmmm

            Also “we all have so much” may just be a cover for money being tight, being concerned about the environmental impact of gift giving but not wanting to say that (personally I worry about that but I know my in laws would think I lost my mind if I said that), or some other reason for not wanting to exchange gifts. I doubt it’s meant to be a judgment about you and your lifestyle.

    • Lots to Learn

      The fact that our family all exchanges gift ideas and then we buy what people want and give it right back to them. Seems so inefficient and fake, as we all know exactly what we’re going to get. Ideally, I’d like it if we could think of things that each other would like and get those, but I guess we all think it’s too much work. Originally, my husband and I would buy our own gifts for ourselves and wrap them up and pretend to be surprised – all for the sake of putting on a show for the kids. But now it’s pretty close to that and all of us (husband and kids) are doing the buy-something-off-the-wish-list thing.

  8. Anon

    I posted some time ago about having an issue with skinny jeans sliding down. I bought an invisibelt but the top of the buckle digs into my flesh so that is out for me. (If you don’t have a muffin top it may work fine for you.)

    The jeans that ended up working best were Kut from the Keith Catherine Boyfriend jeans. They’re a skinny-ish boyfriend so not super wide. They don’t fall down and they are made of a denim with a lower spandex content, so they don’t sag either. I’ve been happy with them so I thought I’d share!

    Every picture I see online of them right now has a rolled hem, but I wanted to remark that mine are regular full length than I can roll if I want to.

      • Anon

        I’m plus size so my comments are about that but I find them true to size and the same size I wear in other brands. They’re slightly roomy on me but that is the style.

        I would really lean toward the reviews if you’re straight sized.

    • NOLA

      Very interesting! I have no butt or hips (I’m straight up and down with very little difference between hip and waist) and I have so many problems with jeans falling down. I feel like I’m constantly yanking them back up.

    • Anon

      Also – squats. Jeans fall down when there isn’t …a lot back there to help keep them up. Squats will bulk up your thighs and glutes in a better way to fill them out. If you do have a decent amount of backside and they’re falling, you’re buying jeans where the rise is not long enough.

      • Anon

        I really think thick thighs and calves make skinny jeans pull down more. It’s the spandex and the effect of walking.

        • Anon

          Yes! I have huge calves and always struggle with leggings getting pulled down on styles others swear stay up no matter what.

    • KP

      Someone needs to make lady suspenders we could wear under our tops to hold up our jeans.

  9. Sick and Single

    Just a whine but I’ve been sick for about 10 days (as in haven’t been able to leave my house in 7 days, sleeping on the couch as I cough too much to sleep in bed kinda sick)… being sick while single just sucks! Having to spend more on @mazon because I don’t have anyone to send to the store, feeling guilty my dog can’t get much exercise and play out of me, etc. Add in that the good tv shows are post-Fall Finale and the over-consumerism of the holiday season and I just feel ugh!

    Why is it not a thing to have a rent-a-mom or rent-a-spouse or something where someone could just come check on me and take care of me and text to see how I’m feeling but then not judge me for marathoning Judge Judy for days?!

    • Anon

      I would absolutely LOVE a rent-a-mom. I have no family, and I swear to god the most loved I feel is on the days that I come home after the cleaning lady was there. I have a few close friends who will check in on me and bring me things, but I hate to ask.

    • Germaphobe

      Why rent a x to be around your germs isn’t a thing: – a short horror story –
      A friend at work was sick but had to work through a crap project with me.
      I get it, even with our generous sick leave policy, he knew we had a deadline so he and his germs stayed at work to push through. He covered his coughs and sneezes but used up a full tissue box per day from all the snot.
      He was miserable and I tried to take work off of him and when he finally went on a sick day, I brought him soup and meds.
      Following week, I’m sick as a dog, no one checks on me and I’m thinking what if I choke and die alone.
      No thanks. Never doing this again.

      • Anon

        You probably caught his germs when he was in the office and working closely with you, not when you dropped soup off. Lots of people take care of sick people for pay (doctors, nurses, home health aides, etc.) It’s not some wild, insane idea that people would be willing to care for sick people if they were getting money for doing it. Your “friend” sounds like a crappy person but that doesn’t mean this is a terrible business idea.
        OP, I’m married but I would totally use a Rent-A-Mom service! My husband is not the best at taking care of me and even if he were, it’s hard with kids because the healthy spouse really has to focus on the household and kids, and doesn’t have much time leftover for the sick spouse.

      • Ellen

        Yes, this is typical. We, as women, are natural caretakers for men, and they accept the caretaking, and then think they can make it up by thinking that we will just want to have s-x all day with them when they are well. That is NOT the case. I never even think of s-x when I see a guy who is sick. I do see a guy with a runny nose and think that if he got better, I would not get sick, like you must have. Meenwhile, the schlub is thinking to himself “this woman is really hot for me b/c she is hanging around when I am sneezing, coughing and pukeing! My God, when I get better, the first thing I am going to do is have s-x with her!” And then, they actually think all of this and try to start in with us as soon as they are better. It is all we, as women can do, to keep them off of us! FOOEY on them for even thinking any of this in our case. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    • Houda

      I think getting sick alone is one of the harder things about living abroad and not having friends. I’m on bed rest from foot surgery and have been eating the same stuff from deliveroo. Didn’t shower the first 2 days because I couldn’t even stand up, I did since then but ya first days were not fun.
      Maybe I’m weird but I’d feel awkward getting a care worker at my place, but I’d love for someone to check on me remotely because I am bored to tears… and all over this board. Also agree on the don’t do that if you have the flu or something contagious.

      • The Original ...

        Do you have an email you’d post? I’d love to check on you remotely and trade emails about ridiculous stuff or something! <3

        • Houda

          OMG yes! I’m so bored I’m in for all the ridiculous stuff emails
          teawithouga at the g mail dot com

    • Skipper

      If you can afford it, you may be able to call up a local home health company and say “I need short term housekeeping assistance, and I will self-pay.” Depending on your state laws, they may be very happy to send someone.

      • Anon

        I’ve tried this before when my chronic illness flared up along with an acute illness, but I couldn’t find any way to get help with housekeeping (unless I wanted very extensive home care). Maybe I just couldn’t afford it though (in the sense of “couldn’t afford 20 hours a week and also just didn’t want 20 hours a week of somebody over”). I just lived in actual filth that may have prolonged the illness, but I have been kind of dreading the thought of that perfect storm striking again. So I would love it if this service existed.

        • Jude

          If it was that dire could you have hired a cleaning lady or short term housekeeper, if not a medical aide?

          • Anon

            I am not sure. That is what I tried to do. The services that could do the job wanted minimum 20 hours with a commitment of several weeks. Alternatively, many cleaning services just said no, they couldn’t help with housekeeping beyond maid-type cleaning. I may have just struck out, but these were the contacts I was given when I reached out for help. It could be that I would have found someone if I had gone under the table, but I wanted to feel safe at the time.

    • Anonymous

      Work found a back up care service that will send nurses out. You have to pay a daily fee but I plan on using them next time I have to deal with the aftermath of surgery. I also have a housekeeper who usually cleans twice a month, and this time she visited twice a week to do dishes, take out trash, etc.

    • Anon

      Yeah, I don’t know how much help spouses actually are when you’re sick. If they rely on you for dinner and childcare, you may end up with a lot of questions to answer when all you want to do is sleep and aren’t even interested in that dinner, and no, you didn’t plan an amazing after school activity for today because you are effing sick. I don’t know that it’s worth the availability of a warm body to send to the store (who will likely forget to ask on his own if he can get you anything, so you’ll still feel like you’re imposing).

    • I'm sorry

      I’m sorry. Hugs!

      On the dog front, does your area have any “dog adventure” companies? It’s like a dog walking service, but they take the pup standup paddle boarding, canoeing, swimming, (other outdoor, weather appropriate, fun activities). It’s usually around half-a-day. The other option is doggie daycare. If I’m sick, I’ll send my girl to daycare (half or full-day) on a normally non-daycare day.

    • Anonymous

      I would have loved to have a rent-a-mom service when I was single and down with pneumonia several years ago… (Clearly you need to start this business once you’re better, OP!)

  10. Ann Perkins!

    What Christmas things are you foregoing in the name of simplicity (or sanity) this year?

    • Anon

      I usually make an obscene number of Christmas cookies, but I’ve decided to forgo that and instead participate in one cookie swap.

      I want to forgo gift giving (except maybe some of the aforementioned cookies), but how do you do this? I have a pretty sane list of close friends and family members, but my friends seem to really enjoy picking out thoughtful gifts and also receiving thoughtful gifts. It feels awkward and unfriendly to announce that I’m not doing it anymore– has anyone done this gracefully?

      • The Original ...

        What about sending an email or individual texts saying something like, “rather than trading gifts, I’d love to instead schedule coffee or lunch or a phone date with you either this month or next and spend our time/money catching up! Any chance you’d be up for this instead?” And then see how it goes over.

        If it were me, if I hadn’t already shopped for you, I’d be thrilled for the offer to spend time with a beloved person instead plus saving time shopping. Heck, even if I had shopped, if I could save it for a birthday instead, I’d take you up on it!

      • Anonymous

        It’s very hurtful. I am dealing with my husband’s family putting us on the no gift list rather than on the gift list and to someone who has gifting as their love language this feels like Siberia.

        • Anon

          This is what I’m afraid of! I certainly want to make sure my friends feel loved and cared for. I usually get something that I know the person will use (food or a candle for someone who loves candles or a book), so that seems like a pretty good middle ground. I do also like the person’s suggestion above to propose a meet up, though it’s definitely too late for that this year. Maybe next year I’ll gently see if I can start a dialog about it in the fall and if anyone is hesitant or seems hurt in any way, I’ll maintain the status quo!

    • Senior Attorney

      We’re skipping the tree this year. I only do it when I feel like it, which is every other year-ish.

      • emeralds

        We’re not doing a tree, either. (There’s no room in our living room because of all the piles of unpacked boxes and tools. My husband is sad about it, but if he were THAT sad he could always move his tools to their forever home in the basement.)

        • Anonymous

          Same. I’m having health issues and shouldn’t lift. It’s nice not to coordinate and clean up from the tree, but I miss the lights.

          • Juliska

            I no longer do a full-size tree. Instead, I get a couple of Christmas bouquets at our grocery store – the ones with pine and cedar branches, red flowers and pine cones on twigs, maybe some eucalyptus and other fragrant stuff- put them in an old, green glass water pitcher tied with a big red plaid ribbon, and add a few choice ornaments that don’t overwhelm the bouquet. I use two bouquets to fill up the pitcher. Looks plenty festive! I don’t put lights on the bouquet, we have a twig wreath on one wall that’s up all year. For Christmas I wind one small string of multicolored lights around it. A few real candles on the coffee table, my Christmas placemats and festive napkins, and done!

      • Formerly Lilly

        We put white lights on the nine foot tall potted ficus in the living room. Usually at Thanksgiving because it’s festive, then with a big fluffy gold ribbon bow as a Christmas tree, then remove the ribbon and leave the lights on for a New Year’s and “January is Dismal so Let’s Have Some Sparkly Lights Tree”.

      • Senior Attorney

        Oh, yeah. That too.

        I’m doing a lunch out with my staff but my boss decided we need to have a whole-office onsite lunch, paid for by the people at my level. Which would be okay if it were executed well, which it is most definitely not.

    • anon

      We just … aren’t doing the many holiday gatherings offered in our community. The payoff is just not there, and it depletes my energy for the stuff I really care about.

      Also, I am putting minimal effort into the mandatory gatherings I have to attend. I like to bake but I’m doing it on my own terms and schedule, people.

    • Anonymous

      I was going to give up handsigning my 200 Christmas photo cards but per the above post, apparently people super care about this? IDK

    • Anon

      This is probably too simple to post about, but I’ve always done strands of colored AND white lights on my tree. (It makes a pretty, diluted version of colored lights.) But this year I decided to do just white lights since that’s DH’s favorite, and it turns out it makes a DRAMATIC difference in how calm the house feels to me. Christmas always feels a little chaotic, especially with all the extra (but sweet) decorations in the house, but just having white lights makes our living room so peaceful! I don’t think I can go back to colored lights now.

  11. Anon

    Totally frivolous and vain question, but does anyone know how extremely pale people (thinking like Anne Hathaway) avoid getting freckles? Is it just genetics? Do they just never go in the sun, ever? I’m similarly pale and every time I spend time outside in summer or the tropics, I acquire new freckles. And that’s with SPF 100, sun hats, staying in the shade as much as possible. I always avoid burns and even avoid tans for the most part, especially as an adult, but I cannot escape the freckles and am just confused how people with porcelain complexions can keep their skin freckles-free.

    • Anon

      Anne Hathaway cannot have spend any time in the sun since childhood, if then. There is no other way to maintain her complexion, even with religious sunscreen usage.

    • Anonymous

      I lived in the NEUS growing up and have pale skin (maybe slightly darker than AH). I didn’t use sunscreen until my 20s, but am lax now unless at the beach or pool. I don’t have freckles. I think some of us just aren’t wired for them.

      A similarly-complected coworker has them all over.

      • SMC - San Diego

        My daughter and I have the same coloring (or at least did until I went grey): red hair and pale eyes. I do not freckle regardless of sun and sunscreen. She freckles if she thinks about sun. Apparently her father gifted her with the freckle gene.

    • Anonymous

      It must be genetic because I’m likely the palest person on earth and I do not get freckles. (Melasma from pregnancy, yes… but no freckles at any other time.)

    • Houda

      I guess some people are just plain (x) skin color, and others are (x) skin color with predisposition for freckles.
      I am black and I get freckles every summer. I was annoyed, got facials, got peelings, wore sunscreen, then eventually gave up. I now wear very light coverage foundation and at times will even draw over the freckles that get covered by foundation

    • Anon

      Huh?? Some people just don’t have freckles. I’m quite pale and I never get freckles, even if I go in the sun. They’re certainly not universal, you just have genes for freckles.

    • Dolce

      I am ghastly pale (paler than Anne Hathaway) and live near Miami.

      I am meticulous about protecting my skin, so I never freckle. SPF year round, reapply every 2-3 hours (I use a powder sunscreen for my face, which makes reapplying much easier.)

      I have tinted car windows to prevent too much sun damaging my skin while I drive. Before I had my windows tinted, I’d get freckles on the left side of my face.

      I try not to go outside between 11am and 3pm in the spring and summer, when the sun is strongest. If I must, I wear a wide brim sun hat, limit my exposure, and often I am that weirdo you see carrying a parasol too.

      But year-round I wear a hat too

      • Anonymous

        See, I do all of that too, and I live a lot farther north than Miami where the sun is much less intense and I have a ton of freckles. And when I get them, they’re there for good. They don’t fade in winter or when I got my car windows tinted. I believe that some people are just predisposed to have freckles and there’s not any way to prevent them, short of literally never exposing your skin to the sun. It’s great that you take amazing care of your skin, but I don’t think we should assume people with freckles aren’t protecting their skin. I left a dermatologists office near tears once because he told me “It’s obvious to me you’ve never used sunscreen, you should really consider trying it.” I’ve worn SPF 50 every day of my adult life and I know my mom was really diligent about applying sunscreen and having me wear hats as a kid. Both my parents have freckles – my dad is Mediterranean with darker skin so his are a lot less obvious than my mom’s and mine, but they exist – so it’s obviously genetic at least to some degree.

      • Anon

        Argh sorry I can’t with the “I am meticulous about protecting my skin, so I never freckle.” You may be able to prevent some freckles with good sun safety, but for some of us they’re genetic and not possible to prevent. It’s really hard and frustrating as a freckled person for everyone to believe you only have freckles because you’re laying out without SPF all the time. For what it’s worth, I have numerous dark brown freckles on my n*pples, which I’m 99.9% certain have never seen the sun’s rays, and my daughter was born with a couple freckles. There’s certainly a correlation between sun exposure and freckles but for some of us they can also just appear.

        • Anonome

          Same, I am covered in freckles and moles in places that definitely have never seen the sun. I even have them on my retinas, and need more-frequent ophthalmologist appointments due to it.

          Some of us are just prone. I can think too hard, and a new mark pops out. I would kill for smooth, mark-free skin.

    • anon

      I think it’s genetic because I’m light-skinned, spend plenty of time in the sun (with SPF, but still), and do not have freckles at all.

    • Anon

      I am at least as pale as Anne Hathaway and just don’t get freckles. Nothing I did or didn’t do would ever cause a freckle to appear on my face (and I have definitely fd up and gotten too much sun before). I have two sisters who get freckles, but I guess I missed those genes.

    • Skipper

      I am the only woman in my family without freckles. I went through this whole phase in my teens when I desperately wanted them and tried to sunburn myself freckled all the time. I have no freckles. I do have some sunspots lo these many years later, though. It’s just genetic.

    • Anon

      It’s genetic. Some people make extra melanin in the form of a tan, some in the form of freckles, some not at all.

    • Anon

      It’s definitely just genetics. I have freckles, and not an adorable Meghan Markle-esque splash of them across my nose. They’re all over my face and arms. A little kid once asked me why my face looked like a “rotten banana” to give you some sense of what I look like. I’m more careful about using sunscreen and avoiding the mid-day sun than anyone I know and I have similarly-complexioned friends that rarely wear sunscreen and never freckle. I admit I’m desperate for my daughter to escape the freckle genes. I hate looking at her playing outside knowing that someday her gorgeous creamy skin may look like mine. :( I know I have to get over this hang-up for her sake but it’s haaaaaaaard. I hate freckles so damn much. I also hate the stigma that because I have freckles I must not protect my skin from the sun, because that couldn’t be further from the truth.

    • Anonymous

      I have a mid-brown skin tone and freckle. AND burn. Lots of people in my gene pool do, with range of brown tones.

    • anon

      Pale person here who had tons of freckles as a kid. I stopped getting them in my early teens and now only have the faintest reminders of them left. I also religiously wear sunscreen now, but even now when I don’t, I get burned but no freckles (and back then when I did I would still get freckles). All that to say that I think to some degree it’s out of your control.

  12. NOLA

    I have to thank you all for recommending the Barefoot Dreams cardigans. When they were on sale last week, I ordered one and it came last night. It’s been an extremely stressful week and I had to be at work extra early and got derailed by a water main break and filming on campus, BUT I feel like I’m wearing the softest jammies and that makes me happy. My student workers were petting me this morning. It’s soooooo soft!

      • NOLA

        I got the long hooded one (Cozychic Lite Coastal Hooded Cardigan) in the light gray. I kind of wish I’d gotten the navy with the stripe, but this is pretty versatile. It’s gray enough that it won’t look dirty in five minutes. I have an early rehearsal this morning, then running to a hair appointment, so I’m wearing it again!

    • Lots to Learn

      So funny. I bought one on Black Friday after reading all the hype about them for years and I’m returning it. I’m a pear and it just makes me look wider in the thigh area, where the folds hit. Maybe it would be ok with skinny jeans or leggings and it is super-soft, but I want something I’m not embarrassed to wear outside the house. Very sad.

      • NOLA

        Awwwww I’m the opposite of pear shaped (straight through the hips and thighs) so it’s perfect for me.

  13. OP from Ottawa

    A week and a half ago, I posted about strange overnight disturbance at my home in Ottawa – doorbell ringing at strange hours etc. A lot of posters provided compassionate and helpful responses. Others were quick to tell me I needed to “chill” because the crime rate in Ottawa is “zero”. A few nights later, I caught a man peering into my windows at around midnight. The police have had similar reports from other women in Sandy Hill – at least seven others. They released a media advisory today about this which any doubters or trolls can google for.

    Thanks to all who provided support to me when I posted – and to those who were quick to dismiss or criticize, maybe you should consider believing other women and trusting their experiences. My gut feeling that something wasn’t right panned out to be true – “zero” crime rate or not.

    • Go for it

      So sorry it was true. That’s awful. Once again, our instincts are always spot on!

    • Anonymous

      Holy crap! What can you do now to protect yourself? Maybe increased police patrols and the publicity will scare him off?

    • Anonymous

      Then trust your gut and not random people on the internet. Coming back here to prove them wrong accomplishes nothing.

      • Anonymous

        As someone who read that whole thread without weighing in and who wasn’t sure what to think, I found it helpful to learn more about what was really going on.

    • Anon

      I didn’t comment on the original post but was very surprised by the “chill out” comments. It must have been incredibly disturbing to see someone peering into your window. I hope they catch him soon.

  14. gift shopping help

    I need gift help for the 2 boyfriends who might be at my IL’s family Christmas, but never get included in the gift-giving lists. I don’t know either of them well, but both happen to be non-U.S. college professors in creative fields; one mid 30s and the other early 40s.
    Comparable gifts in the 15-40 dollar range would be ideal, and something that will travel easily in a suitcase.

    • Go for it

      Portable cell phone battery storage things… I think they are universal.
      I’ve also done assorted stick incense with a flat wood holder.

  15. Anon

    Is it weird that our preschool asked us to issue holiday gift checks for teachers to the volunteer organizer’s name? Or it really doesn’t matter as long as gifts are within the IRS exclusion limit? I understand the school doesn’t want to issue these as part of paychecks due to taxes.

    • Cat

      So is this because the teacher then gets one aggregate check from the organizer (a fellow parent I assume?), rather than a bunch of individual checks? And also thereby smoothing over any differences in amount, and possible bias in how one family’s child is treated? As long as you trust the organizer this doesn’t seem weird; we do a similar routine with our shared secretary (one person collects the money and turns it into a check).

    • Anon

      I don’t see how the gift tax could possibly be implicated unless the aggregate gift is over $15,000 per recipient, which seems incredibly unlikely unless this is a preschool for billionaires’ kids.
      Personally, I would be a little wary about the organizer skimming something off the top, but not wary enough not to give if there was no other way to do it.

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