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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Faux Pearl Trim Cardigan

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This pearl-trimmed cardigan from Wit & Wisdom brings just a touch of whimsy for the holiday season. Keep this in your office for the days when you’re running directly from work to a party, recital, or whatever engagements are on your calendar this month. 

The sweater is $98 at Nordstrom and comes in sizes XS-L; the white version is also available in plus sizes. A dark navy version is available directly from Wit & Wisdom.

Sales of note for 1/15:

251 Comments

  1. For those who WFH, do you wear designated indoor shoes? Slippers? Nothing?

    I WFH exclusively and am normally barefoot or in slippers however my knee is hurting. I feel better in Asics so I have a new pair that will just be for indoors. Curious what others do.

    1. Nothing when I’m just sitting at my desk, indoor plastic Birkenstocks everyone else. Definitely no outside shoes.

    3. Flipflops in the summer, Glerups booties in the winter. I have a bad back so I do have a pair of wool sneakers that I wear for chores and when I’m not going to be primarily sitting.

    4. Crocs if I’m up and walking on my feet; always some sort of thicker merino wool hiking sock because my feet get so cold.

        1. +2 crocs, the ugly clog kind. Helped heal my plantar fasciitis and kept it from recurring.

    5. We’re a house that wears shoes in the house. In the not-winter, I wear my trendy sneakers that have arch support or else birkenstocks. In winter, I live in wool socks and shearling lined slippers. My body does not like walking around barefoot, so I try to wear shoes with support whenever possible.

    6. I have inside crocs/kitten defense crocs. I also have a kitten that loves to murder errant unprotected toes. Kitten aside, I’m a croc convert; they’re pretty much everything I want in an inside shoe. Arch support, wide toe box, vented, lightweight, easy to rinse off with the hose outside if I happen to forget to take them off before I go somewhere.

      1. Crocs Club.

        I have indoor crocs (full time WFH and hardwood floors all over) and I have outdoor crocs (dog walking, quick trips outside)

      2. What is it with kittens and toes?! I’m looking forward to my 6-month-old furball outgrowing this phase.

        1. This feels ridiculous, but it sometimes it helps to learn how to say “OWWW” in cat so they at least know that it hurts!

          1. I’m the kitten defense crocs person – we got 2 kittens this time and it is SO MUCH BETTER than having one kitten. I had my last (solo) cat for over 20 years (from 9 weeks old) and he never learned that chomping hurts mom and licking in the same spot over and over is obnoxious. The kittens teach each other those things. The chompier one gets growled and yowled at and bapped; he’s gotten good at backing off of you make an unhappy noise. That first pounce, though, is still an issue! The other kitten proactively growls at him if she has a toy she doesn’t want to share. So maybe his first pounce instinct will improve.

    7. I just wear socks. If you are more comfortable in a shoe i think having a dedicated indoor pair is the answer.

    8. I dress pretty casually for WFH so I usually wear some kind of slip-on Skechers. I can’t go barefoot for long periods of standing or walking b/c it hurts my knees and feet.

    9. We are a no shoes house. DH and I both WFH full time and both wear slippers. I prefer arch support, so my slippers have that; he prefers a flatter style without. Whether we also wear socks depends on the time of the year. I’ve also considered just having an indoor pair of tennis shoes, but I think I’d forget to change when I left the house because I usually wear tennis shoes when I go out too. Your Asics solution sounds perfect.

    11. I wear slippers year round, but the kind that have a real sole and are reasonably supportive, though they’re softer on top and easily slip on and off. If that’s not enough support for you, I’d just get a pair of indoor shoes for when you’re on your feet. I don’t think I’d personally like the feel of wearing real shoes all day long, which is the biggest reason I immediately take my shoes off when I get home, though ymmv. Presumably most of your day at home is actually spent sitting at your desk, in which case I’d also pay attention to your sitting posture, which I’ve found to be one of my major triggers for leg and foot pain.

    12. I have a mild foot issue so I always wear something supportive (could still be slippers but needs some support). The knee pain sounds like it could be sciatica, which I also have a mild case of. (I’m 59 and otherwise in good health).

    13. Oh totally. We are a ‘shoes off’ household in that outdoor shoes are removed immediately, but we have ‘house Birks’ and ‘house sneakers’ that live inside!

      1. +1. Dedicated indoor shoes are the answer. We just have slides (more sandal like), but if you’re more comfortable in sneakers, that works too.

      2. Same. I don’t know if it’s a getting older thing but I have indoor sneakers and a pair of supportive clogs I wear in addition to my sneakers.

        FWIW, I’m a runner so I have outdoor running sneakers, outdoor casual day sneakers, and indoor running sneakers. I run on my home treadmill so the indoor sneakers are also treadmill sneakers.

      3. Also team indoor birks as a shoes off household. We have wooden stairs so some form of house shoe is necessary if we want to wear socks.

    14. I keep a pair of sneakers just for working from home. I need the support for my feet and ankles, plus if I don’t have shoes on, my feet dry out to the point they have broken open and bled.

    15. Oofos. Flip-flops in the summer and a closed version in winter. Wearing them all day around the house cured my plantar fasciitis years ago, and I am still a fan.

      1. Oofos is the best solution to alleviate knee pain. Once I bought a pair I never went back to slippers or barefeet.

    16. I’m also in the group that has dedicated house shoes, as we’re generally a no-outdoor shoes in the house family. I’m not comfortable walking around barefoot and I need some arch support. I wear Birkenstock EVAs most of the time in the house, with or without socks depending on the temperature, but I also have a pair of Therafit slippers at my desk because my feet get really cold when I’m sitting still and socks aren’t enough.

    17. Wool slippers, with socks in winter, without in summer. Mine have a removable wool cover over the insole that came with them – I haven’t found it necessary but could replace with an otc more robust insole if needed

    18. Oofos in summer, shearling slippers in winter (I keep my house pretty cold). I loathe wearing socks indoors, so that limits my options.

    19. Slippers (the ll bean wicked good slippers) most of the day, but I do have a designated pair of indoor sneakers for home workouts.

    20. apparently as i turned 40 i also need house shoes. i wear a certain kind of ugg slippers that have a lot of support. i also have a pair of sneakers just for in the house

    21. Flip flops in the house almost all the time. When my toes get cold I wear (fairly substantial) slippers.

    24. I have Crocs sandals that are reasonably attractive. I wear those in the house 95% of the time.

    26. Sneakers. We are not a shoe free household. I wear the same sneakers outside. I want to be ready to walk my dog or walk down to get lunch anytime.

    27. Super late to this so I hope you read this. Both DH and I love wearing our Spenco slides at home on top of socks. The Spencos provide much needed arch and heel support. Highly recommend them as indoor shoes.

  2. Best 2025 no-iron button-ups? The one from Chico’s may get vetoed due to it having a black logo on a sleeve.

    1. I’ve been stocking up on Brooks Brothers whenever I see a color I like in my size on Poshmark. They fit me well without gaping and they don’t bunch weirdly when I layer them. I can’t stomach full price, though.

    2. This may not be what you want, but I am currently really happy with the satin button-down shirt from Old Navy. I’m busty and have a hard time finding cotton button-downs that fit me well, but this one works really well for me. It looks nice on its own and layers well under sweaters. It’s not too shiny and doesn’t need ironing when I machine wash and hang to dry. I bought one color and have liked it so much that I just got two more.

    3. Lands End. The only thing I buy from LE is no-iron 100% cotton women’s pinpoints for work. They are fitted with darts, don’t gap, and have men’s dress shirt features and quality. I usually go up one size for a more modern fit.

      I often grab new or lightly worn ones on eBay and Poshmark. I have about five in active rotation at any given time, and a few that I change out seasonally.

  3. Further to the address question yesterday – what should our return address look like? DH and I both kept our birth names and our child has DH’s last name. We didn’t bother hyphenating baby’s last name. Before baby, we used our first names o the return address for informal correspondence. It seems cumbersome to add a third name (and possibly more if we have more children), though. Does “The [Mylast] & [Hislast] Family” seem right?

    1. yeah, this is the common approach. Prepare for people to drop your last name out of laziness on cards addressed to you, though.

    2. I drop & from it, but yep! I like the look of it, even if we didn’t legally mush our names together

      Merry Christmas from the X Ys!

    5. We predominantly do “The Smith Jones Family” but occasionally do “The Smith / Jones Family”. We receive some mail that puts an and in the middle.

    6. I like, “The Smith and Jones Family” or just “Smith and Jones” on the return address.

      Please don’t drop your last name if you still use it. I really want to honor people’s preferred names, but get confused if folks starts using “Jones Family,” when Sally prefers Smith.

      1. Agreed! If you just put Jones Family on your return addresses, then I do not think you can “complain” if someone addresses a card to you next year as Husband and Wife Jones. It gets confusing.

      2. Agree! I have no idea which last name to use for one of our friends because they seem to use both? I can’t keep track of when you want to be Smith and when you want to be Jones.

      3. Saying “I really want to honor people’s preferred names” is in some real tension with the prior sentence where you tell her what naming convention you think she should use…

        1. Her prior sentence was “tell me what your name is”, not telling her what name she should have.

      1. This is what I did when I was married. The slash is better than the hyphen, so that people didn’t think that one or both of us had a hyphenated last name.

    8. For return address on christmas cards we do: Smith-Jones for the first line, and then our address on the next line. For the actual card itself it is From: Jane, John & Mary.
      I am always sort of bothered by things defaulting on shutterfly or similar to the “Smith Family”.

    9. We do “Smith-Jones Family”. “Smith & Jones Family” works too. I just prefer the hyphen for aesthetics.

    12. Or you can do “Mary Jones and Tom Smith and family.” Especially once you have more children.

  4. Any recommendation for a mild facial moisturizer for men? I’m looking for stocking stuffers for the men in my family, who are middle aged and dry.

    1. Do you feel like you have a high level of emotional intelligence? For example, if someone expresses feeling a certain way about a stressful life event (a death, a diagnosis), can you think on the spot and tailor your response to what they’re indicating would be helpful?

    2. Hate the idea that men need a product that says FOR MEN or they won’t use it. My husband is the same way.
      That said, he uses the Clinique FOR MEN line and seems to like it.

    3. My husband/teenager both like the Jack Black moisturizer in a pump. Personally, vanicream is my GOAT moisturizer.

      2. Vanicream is my winter season night cream. It’s way too heavy for me during the rest of the year, but it works great when it’s super dry!

    5. Trader Joes antioxidant facial moisturizer. It’s unscented and the packaging is inoffensive.

    6. My husband started using the same Vanicream face moisturizer that I do. It’s not marketed in any gender-specific way.

  5. I was recently rewatching Crazy Rich Asians and admiring the updos on Michelle Yeoh and Gemma Chan – they look so polished! I’d love to bring some of this style to my daily desire to keep my hair out of my face, which normally results in a ponytail or bun, with embellished hair tie if I’m feeling extra fancy. Any resources for these kind of modern chignons?

    2. I have no suggestions, but wanted to chime in for the Crazy Rich Asians love. (Also, years later, I still think about the gorgeous Missoni striped halter dress that she wears in the movie!)

    3. Great tutorials on TikTok or YouTube. Two of my go-tos …

      1) one french braid, then just tuck the tail up and under

      2) two braids, starting behind each ear. Fold/tuck them behind each other across the back of your head, secure with spin pins

  6. I find the look of layered gold necklaces hard to pull off because my gold seems to be different shades. Even real gold like solid 14k seems to have slightly different yellow tints. The sets of layered necklaces from mall brands always tangle and tarnish quickly. Am I missing something here? Buying new, real gold necklaces from the sale retailer to ensure the same shade would be $$$.

      1. Yeah, mixed shades looks way better than matchymatchy mall sets, which just look like mall jewelry.

    2. If you want ultra high quality then be prepared to spend more. If you’re not planning to wear them daily I’ve gotten decent necklaces under $150 from department stores. Buy one necklace you’re excited about then wear it shopping in person to find something that matches. I’ve found gold in the same shade from multiple brands but it’s easier to mix silver with gold.

    3. you can buy a multi necklace clasp — mine is Kendra Scott. It lets you hook three necklaces to a little metal bar and since they are connected at the back of your neck, they don’t tangle around so much.

    4. The neck stack or (shudder) “neck mess” look isn’t for everyone. I can’t personally pull it off.

  7. Fixing a thread fail. Do you feel like you have a high level of emotional intelligence? For example, if someone expresses feeling a certain way about a stressful life event (a death, a diagnosis), can you think on the spot and tailor your response to what they’re indicating would be helpful?

    1. I both think I can do that reasonably well, perhaps better than others, and I also frequently play back conversations, wishing I had had a more perfect response. Make it make sense.

      1. This is how I feel too. I have talked to people well in situations like that, but I still find them awkward and am worried I didn’t say the right thing.

        I do think it’s better to say something, even if it’s “I’m so sorry, I don’t know what to say”.

        1. Yeah, this. My husband and I had just met a woman at a neighborhood party when she out of the blue told us that her husband had died last year, which was a bit of a conversation stopper, especially since we didn’t know her or her husband or anything about their relationship or the circumstances of his death. I know my response was a little awkward, but I think I genuinely conveyed my sympathy and asked her how she was doing, assuming she wouldn’t have brought it up if she didn’t want to talk about it. My husband said something to me later about something I’d said, but he’d just stayed silent, not responding at all, which seemed way worse.

          1. Sometimes I wish we still had traditions like grieving veils so this context could be conveyed without words!

      2. +1. I am not naturally good at responding on the spot to these sorts of things. I usually go with a heartfelt ‘that sounds really hard, how are you feeling?’ and then take their cue on how to respond from there.
        The older I get the more I realize saying something (vs. ignoring hard things) and focusing on their feelings (how are you handling it?) vs. projecting my stuff (You’re so strong, I would never be able to manage!) or bland reassurement (I’m sure it’ll all work out!) is best.

        2. I think you’re spot-on. It’s tempting for US as the responder to project our own stuff – “this wouldn’t upset me,” “it’s best not to dwell,” etc, but if you do listen closely to what the person is saying to you, they usually do offer a lot of clues about what they need. If someone has gone through a breakup and tells you “it was time and I’m already on the dating apps,” that calls for a very different response than “unfortunately Tom broke up with me. It was very sudden and it’s been kind of tough lately.”

      3. I can totally imagine those two things going together – “playing back” the conversation and thinking about responding more perfectly makes you better over time, like an athlete analyzing their game tapes (to a point of course, there’s a risk of tipping into anxious rumination – but it makes sense to me that many symptoms of mental illness are actually helpful in small doses/some circumstances – otherwise why would our brains have evolved them?)

    3. Not necessarily on the spot, but in terms of putting myself in others’ shoes, pretty good. Like, my manager was surprised that a decent number of people in my department didn’t want to do a Secret Santa at work. “It’s only $50!” Well, to you it’s only $50, but if you adjust that to a proportion of YOUR salary, it’s more like a $250 Secret Santa.

      1. This is an aside, but I’m a manager and I am so very glad my team has no interest in Secret Santas and other stuff. Yes, they are nice for some, but it’s such a minefield. I don’t want to presume to know anybody’s situation, even if I know their salary!

      2. Wow $50 for a secret Santa is $$$! Even the ones I do with friends are $25 limits.

        I work in government, so our very optional secret Santa is capped at $10.

        1. Yeah $50 is more than I spend on niece/nephew gifts! I sure wouldn’t spend that on a coworker, lol. Higher ed employee.

          2. Gum, candy, travel-size lotion, etc – you gotta get creative but it can be done.

          3. Generally candy, but it’s okay and encouraged to give things like hand-written poems, book recommendations and other free stuff.

    4. You’re asking about two different things! One is whether I have emotional intelligence. Yes, I do. Lots of it.

      The other question is about how fast I can think and whether I can quickly intuit all the emotional undercurrents and find the words to say the right thing in the moment. The answer there: sometimes. Other times, I just don’t think fast enough.

      1. I don’t think it’s really two different things – you always see people with high processing speed who can come up with a response quickly, but sometimes it’s so obviously the wrong one that you wonder what made them say it. It’s definitely more of a challenge to find the “right” thing but some of the “wrong” ones I’ve seen have been SO awful that it seems like there is maybe a lower level of emotional intelligence in the speaker sometimes.

    5. No, honestly something I’ve learned about myself is that I really do not think on the spot very well; I finish processing all the conversational cues sometime after the conversation ended, when things I missed in the moment become relatively obvious and the conversation starts to make more sense. So I try to play it safe in what I say in the moment knowing that I don’t yet have all the context I eventually will.

      1. I actually think it shows a lot of emotional intelligence that you’ve identified that in yourself and figured out a way around it.

    6. I think I respond well in the moment, yes. I think I don’t undersympathize for big stuff or oversympathize for mild annoyances, which is the part of emotional intelligence that I think is the hardest. You have to read how the other person is viewing the situation and tailor your response to them.

    7. I don’t think I naturally have a lot of emotional intelligence, particularly because I was raised in a ‘don’t talk about it’ kind of way, so I personally compartmentalize in a way not everyone does.

      What I do think I’m good at is knowing how to respond. I’ve actively worked on it and I’ve learned some go to phrases that open the door for others to share as much as they want to or need. Professionally, this is one of my strong points. My peers have come to me in help with really messy situations because I’m good at balancing the human and the professional. I’d like to thank therapy as a concept for getting me here, lol.

    8. My approach is “kind but blunt” and it’s worked out well for me so far. “How are you adjusting?” is about as subtle as I get. Asking how I can help, what’s been the hardest, whether they want to talk about it, all teens to get pretty good responses. Even if it doesn’t resonate with everyone, they can tell I’m trying and I don’t lose too many social points.

    9. I don’t know if this is about my emotional intelligence, but I’ve learned over time that the best response to anything is to lead with empathy and give the other person space to say more. It’s never about me or how I would react to the same thing.

    10. Yes and no. I’m an empathetic person. But I tend to want the other person to know just how much I feel what they’re feeling, specifically by telling them that I went through something similar. Unfortunately that can come off like I only want to talk about myself, or worse, that I’m trying to one-up them. And also, “I know how you feel” seems dismissive and inauthentic. I have to remember to put words to what I would otherwise try to demonstrate – ie, you’re not alone, I’m here if you want to talk, that is such a horrible experience.

      I also have this sometimes-awful tendency to try to make someone feel better. Trying to find a silver lining sounds dismissive. If someone’s parent died this year, don’t tell them, at least you and your siblings have each other to lean on all remember her over the holidays. Just acknowledge it’s a really hard time of year.

      1. I agree – you really don’t need to try to find the silver lining in a death, bad diagnosis, miscarriage or infertility situation, etc. affecting someone else (do it for yourself by all means). 99% of the time, it’s dismissive.

        1. I actually love being on the receiving end of those comments and find them comforting unless they are REALLY offensive. Being reminded that there are things to be grateful for even in the bad times works for me. I’m a very optimistic person in general, though, and I wouldn’t say that to some of my friends because I know it wouldn’t land right. I think it’s just about knowing your recipient well!

  8. We have a large kitchen with a lot of cabinets, which is great! 90 percent of the cabinets have solid doors. However, four upper cabinets, which are kind of on the side of the kitchen rather than the main work area, have glass fronts. These cabinets are not hidden; they’re in a decently prominent place in the living area.
    The glass-front cabinets are the decorating challenge. We filled one of them with wine glasses and half of another with vases. What do we do with the rest of this space? We don’t need it for storage because there’s enough storage in the remaining parts of the kitchen, which is closer to where we actually need to access things. Everything other than fancy glass-stuff that we put in these cabinets just looks like clutter even when I have attempted to organize it in a way that looks intentional. I’ve actually considered just buying three cabinets worth of wine glasses, but that also seems dumb.
    DH and I are not great design minds. We tend toward being practical. All ideas of what to do with the shelves in these cabinets are welcome.

    1. Pretty consumables – liquor, wine, olive oil – assuming these cabinets are not over a heat source.
      Small framed art, or small platters or trays, as a backdrop to shorter glasses.
      Stacked dishes (your fancy china?).

      1. We do this. I have a liquor shelf, a nice tea shelf, and some pantry items in glass jars from ikea (so it looks intentional, not like clutter) + the wine glasses and pretty vases.

      1. +1 – in our house that’s where our pitchers, pretty decorative serving dishes, tiered dessert trays and tea sets all go.

    3. I’d go with some sort of frosted contact paper on the glass so you can use the space however you like.

    4. Agree with the suggestions for stacking dishes there, either your everyday, or china, or just platters and serving dishes. I like glass-front kitchen cabinets to look like they should be in a kitchen, not a bar, library or bookshelf in your living room. Just the prettiest version of whatever you would store in a non-glass front cabinet.

    5. Thank you to everyone who has piped up so far. Maybe our problem isn’t the cabinets, it’s that we don’t own fancy or pretty dishes, platters, pitchers, dessert trays, etc. or other kitchen stuff other than the wine glasses and few vases.

      1. If it’s bugging you to have your stuff visible, or you don’t have the fancy display stuff, could you install some of that frosted glass film to hide what you’re really using the cabinets for?

      2. You could buy stuff — but I have a practical nature like you, and buying dishware just to display it would go against my grain.

        Other alternatives: buy glass jars to store your grains, seeds, etc., and keep them in those cabinets.

        Buy pretty baskets or bins and put them on the shelves (leave them empty if you want, store batteries in them — do whatever you want).

        Store your cookbooks there (if you have any).

        Cover the interior of the glass with something, so it covers or obscures the view. What you’d use depends on your decorating style or the style of your kitchen. Gathered fabric would work in some kitchens, but not in others. You could even switch out the glass for something less transparent (frosted, stained glass, etc.)

        1. one thing that I always find awkward to store is cookie cutters. But they might look good in a decorative jar if you have the space to display them.

      3. Well, that’s what I would buy instead of more wine glasses! If you have a nice house, get some pretty dishes and things to entertain with.

      4. They don’t need to be fancy or pretty. I feel like even plain dishes look fine behind glass doors.

    6. Couple practical design options:
      a) Just spread out the wine glasses & vases more (since you are practical people :), I am assuming you lined them up next to each other in a space efficient way — design wise, white space looks a lot nicer than people realize. You could put them in small “clumps” with big space between them – like 3 small vases in a triangle on one side, single large vase on it’s own on the other side. Even for identical wine glasses – maybe 2 equally sized groups on opposite sides of the cabinet.
      b) Do you have a nice-looking serving tray? Trays are a really good way to group small things so they don’t look so much like “clutter” — It’s a little harder in a upper level cabinet because you need it to look good from multiple angles but I think something with moderate sides (1″-4″?) might look good here.
      c) Someone already mentioned frosted glass (which is a great option too!) but you can also try peel-and-stick wallpaper on the *back* of the cabinet (ie behind the dishes) for visual interest & it’ll make the blank shelves look more intentional. Plus it’s cheap and easy to change out!

      2. yes to (a) – dont think of this like a way to maximize storage. my parents have glass in their kitchen and i hope to when i redo mine, and it’s not a place to fit the most stuff in possible. like, one each bowl is lined up rather than stacked in one another. also- this would depend on your religion/culture, but i’m jewish and so a lot of our friends will put judaica in their glass cabinets.

      3. When I read (a), I felt like you know me. I will try spreading them out. I’m also interested in people’s ideas for covering the glass. Thank you to everyone. This has been very helpful!

    7. If you don’t feel the need to use the space for kitchen storage and want to use it for decorating, I’d buy a grow light and some houseplants and turn it into a little greenhouse.
      If you do want the storage space, frosted glass contact paper thing.

    9. Frost them. You can get films on amazon or the like to make them translucent so that the mess inside isn’t visible.

    10. I’d go to a thrift store and find some pretty china plates, put them on plate stands.

    11. We have upper cabinets with glass by our fridge, and I need the cabinet space, so I just have all our glasses in there, wine and otherwise. Our predecessors did add decorative contact paper on the back of the cabinets so it looks a little more decorative than just blank white walls.

      Cookbooks are also an option if you want practical.

    12. I have one glass upper kitchen cabinet with shelves, and my cookbooks live there. It also has a light, and I think my books look great there.

  9. I’m doing a friends’ getaway this weekend, which is long overdue. Going into this, I am feeling really worn down, burned out, etc. I don’t want to bring the mood down or expect to hash out what I’m going through, but I’m concerned that my vibe is going to be off, and I’ve honestly run out of bandwidth to fake it. I’ve been faking it at work and at home for months, and I am tired. We have some activities planned, but we’re staying at a house with lots of downtime, the need to cook, etc. I don’t want to bring down the mood but I am really struggling right now, and I’m not sure they realize it because we haven’t gotten much in-person time together lately. I AM really looking forward to being together and hope this weekend provides some much-needed respite.

    I don’t know what I’m looking for. Reassurance that I can show up as myself, even if I don’t have as much energy as people are used to? A swift reminder to let go of my stressors and just enjoy myself because nobody wants to be around a downer?

    1. I’m sure your friends would want to know how you’re feeling and support you! Pour yourself a glass of wine and have a good girl talk.

      1. This. And do it early because the support you’ll get will probably bring your mood right back up.

    2. You didn’t say this, but when I feel this way, I’m tempted to back out and not go. But then I do go because I previously committed and I show up for commitments, and I am always glad I did and feel re-energized by getting out of my normal scene and going. So, first, please go.
      Second, if my friend said her bandwidth was full right now and she didn’t wanna talk about it, that would be helpful information for me to understand where she is in life and I wouldn’t press for more information; if your friends are like this, then tell them that. If they’re people who would press for more details, then I’d say something like my bandwidth is low because it’s such a busy time of year with so many demands, and I’m looking forward to a rejuvinating weekend with my friends. Hopefully everyone understands that and leaves it at that. I do think conveying that you’re in a low availability place is helpful to those who will be with you.

    3. how good of friends are these? i would probably send something like what you just wrote us ahead…. something like ” i cannot wait to get together, you guys are so important to me and this weekend is over due. i just want to give you a heads up that I’ve been feeling pretty burnt out (the baby isn’t sleeping/ i hate my job/ the darkness of winter gets to me) so I may take a nap or go to bed early (or go for a run or whatever).” i had a big birthday this year so have had three big weekends with friends (HS, college, and moms group) and at all 3 i went to bed before everyone else.

      1. They’re absolutely friends who I could say this to. The truth is I am absolutely burned out by my job (which has sucked for all of 2025) and parenting a teen who is a good kid at heart but has had a rough school year so far and has needed a lot of extra time and care. They know a little about the job, and I’ve been quiet about the teen.

        1. That sounds really hard! If you feel comfortable sharing some of the details with these close friends, you might find it helpful to let them know the extent of your mental load and broadly what’s going on with your teen.

          Also, depending on how many people are going, you may find that it’s not hard to just listen to the conversation and relax quietly. I hope you get the rejuvenation you are seeking with your friends.

    4. For what it’s worth, I think showing up as “low energy and relaxing” can be a really nice vibe on a group trip! Especially since it sounds like this is kind of a “relaxing” plan ie you all don’t have back-to-back activities planned. Like there is something so cozy and comforting about the friend you can sit with and drink your coffee and read your book on the airbnb’s beautiful porch *without* being super chatty – would leaning into being that person feel right for you?

    5. You can show up as yourself AND not be a downer. You can be more low-energy or tired than usual—even be more sad and unhappy than usual — and not create drama around it. If you want, you can tell your friends what you’ve said here: It’s been really hard. I’m so glad to be with you guys. If I’m quieter than usual, I’m just recharging and getting my feet back under me. I’m so happy to have a space where I don’t need to process, where I can just be.

      If they start asking what’s going on, you can tell them whatever you want, without moving into an extended session of venting or dumping.

      1. Yes, this is something I can get on board with. Do I want to talk? Yeah, but I don’t want to derail.

    6. Tbh I would try to do a little bit of both – showing up as yourself, but also letting go of your stressors for the weekend. You can and should have a good girl talk with your friends about what is going on in your life, but I would try not to let it dominate the entire weekend.

    7. Agree with everyone else that you should still go, and give your friends a heads up that you’re worn down/burned out and looking forward to relaxing.

      I also want to add that if you’re a person who’s usually an overachiever even in social settings, give yourself permission to do the bare minimum. It sounds like these are good friends and will be understanding. Skip the activities if you’re not up to them, bring the most boring no-prep premade food or ask if they’re up for ordering pizza. You might not even be the only one feeling this way.

      Watch movies, sit on the couch, give yourself permission to go to bed at 8pm if you want! Truly, if any of my friends were feeling like this, the last thing I’d want is for them to push themselves into discomfort for my entertainment.

      1. Yup, you’re speaking to me. :) They’re used to me playing a good hostess and whatnot. I think I need to let myself off the hook to not plan the best brunch meal everrrrr and to keep it low-key.

    8. My life is a train wreck these days. I worried a LOT about seeing friends for the first time in a while at fun events.

      Turns out, they are both willing to listen to my crap and also do the heavy lifting of keeping the event fun. I was pleasantly surprised to find out how well everything flowed together.

    9. are these close friends? i get together with my college friends each year and while we always want to have fun, it is a running joke with our husbands, that we each come with a list of topics we want to talk about with each other in-person. some of these are very heavy – like my kid’s mental health challenges or another kid transitioning genders or struggles at work, etc. we’ve had one or two of these weekends when ive burst into tears quite a few times. that does not mean we’re all crying the whole time, and we do plenty of fun things in between, but i always leave feeling lighter. i like to help my friends through tough times and dont think of them as being a downer

    10. Your friends love you because you are their friend, not because they expect you to be really happy and excited over every little thing. I’ve definitely dreaded the getaway even though I really want to see my friends, and I’ve always been glad I went anyway.

      One thing that has helped me is to treat/bribe myself for the trip – a special treat, a taxi when I could have taken the bus, etc.

  10. Silly question, but I’m a fairly new homeowner (in the UK in case that makes a difference to the trades): I walked into the kitchen this morning to find some small bits of rubble on the counters and floor which I think have come from the hole in the ceiling where pipes run from the boiler up to the bathroom. There’s a small crack in the ceiling paint near this hole which may or may not be new. Other things I’ve found while redecorating suggest the people who lived here before me were incompetent DIYers, and I fear this is a sign they did something stupid when renovating the bathroom (which I know they did from comparing listing pictures of the house from when they bought it to when they sold it) and there’s a big issue been hiding under the bathroom floor/in the kitchen ceiling that’s now resulting in crumbling masonry.

    Who am I looking for to look at this for me? A general builder/contractor type? Pipefitter? Bathroom company?

    1. look yourself for signs of dampness. If you see any, get a plumber in stat. If not, I would do watchful waiting for a year or so to see how or if the house shifts as the seasons change. The last thing you want to do is throw a bunch of money at a repair that will undo itself come summer.

      1. In the U.S. at least, you can buy a moisture meter to detect moisture in walls and wood. Even if you don’t feel dampness, a meter might detect higher levels of moisture.

    2. Did you have any kind of inspection before buying? Given that you are concerned about structural issues, I would look for a structural engineer or maybe a foundation expert, especially if you live in an area where foundation issues are common (e.g. due to a lot of clay in the soil). But they may not be able to tell much without opening up the ceiling.

    3. What’s the condition of the bathroom. My immediate thought, based on your description of DIYers, is they didn’t use the right membrane for the bathroom wall and converted a bathtub to a shower by just using tiles.

      I’ve gutted a few homes and it’s been an issue in all DIY bathroom renovations.

      Put blue bleach in the shower head and rinse down the shower, sink etc. This will confirm if the leak is coming from the bathroom.

      You need a plumber to fix the leak. You can then hire someone cheaper to redecorate after they have done their work.

    4. You describe what you’re seeing as “small bits of rubble” and “crumbling masonry.” Being in the US, I don’t have a grid for what this would be — is it actual stone? Cement? Mortar? Some other kind of material used in the walls or floors in your house? I’d probably get on a stepstool or ladder and get a closer look at that hole, to see if the material you’re seeing on your counter is the same as the material of whatever you see up there (ceiling, subfloor, etc.)

    5. We’re UK too. It may matter because certain eras of house here have construction peculiarities. For example we (1930s terraced former council housing) had small bits of rubble in our bathroom and it was chunks of cinder concrete coming from behind a hole in the plaster. That stuff just crumbles and if you have it in your ceiling every bit of works up there will cause a little rubble rain.
      Try the DIYUK subreddit – often the people there can advise and diagnose based on a phot.

    6. In UK you should ask, if you didn’t do before, for a professional survey.
      A property survey is essential to identify any structural defects or potential problems that might not be visible during a viewing. There are different types of surveys, ranging from a basic condition report to a comprehensive structural survey. A Condition Report (RICS Home Survey Level 1) is the most basic type of survey and is suitable for new-build or conventional properties in good condition. A HomeBuyer Report (RICS Home Survey Level 2) is more detailed and includes a visual inspection of the property, as well as a report on the condition of the main elements, such as the roof, walls, and floors. A Building Survey (RICS Home Survey Level 3) is the most comprehensive type of survey and is suitable for older properties, properties in poor condition, or properties that are undergoing significant renovations.
      Check for your local RICS chapter and they could advise you about prices and professionals in your area.

  11. what do you sleep in at night? i’ve noticed that despite me putting neck/chest cream on at night before i go to bed, when i wake up in the morning there are lots of lines on my chest, likely from the tshirt i wore to bed the night before. is there any way to prevent this?

    2. This only really happens to me if I’m retaining water, so I prevent it by working on that (not getting too much salt or sugar, drinking enough water, and in my case avoiding a particular food I have an intolerance to).

      But the best fabric for not leaving lines when it’s happening is probably a rayon modal jersey.

      1. To clarify I’m talking about actual indentation lines from fabric pressed into the skin (if the t-shirt is really the issue).

        If it’s just lines from getting old that may be more of a skincare thing!

        1. I sleep so hot that I need to have the window open until it’s below freezing outside.

        2. Yes, but I have warm a flat with central heating, wool mattress topper and a very thick and big down duvet.

    5. If you’re a side sleeper, the lines are from your skin sliding to one side at night.

    7. i drink 80+ ounces of water a day, so i dont see how i can be dehydrated. i turned 40 earlier this year, so i guess this is another fun part of aging…. is there something i should be putting on my skin in the morning? i’ve been putting a cream on at night, but is there a morning one?

      1. Assuming this is a temporary issue – lines caused by pressure while sleeping that go away in an hour – I don’t think you need to do anything. Put lotion on in the morning if your skin feels dry, sure. It doesn’t need to be special “morning” cream.

    9. I’m 42. Sometimes I go months where my chest is line upon line upon line. And some months it’s totally smooth. I don’t give it too much thought since it changes so often. I just moisturize, try to get sleep, and a few times a year do at-home microneedling/serum (but like a commenter said a few days ago, NOT A DERMA ROLLER! Because I did do that during the pandemic and it was awful.).

  12. What are your favorite WFH outfits, preferably from a size inclusive brand that goes through mid size and plus size? I’m on the cusp, solidly plus size bottom and straight size top. I like Old Navy because I can buy from both straight and plus sizes for a set, but the quality is trash.

    1. I’m a size 16 and most of my work from home outfits come from Pact, Quince, JCrew/Factory, LOFT (old stuff, I think they skew younger these days).

    4. Lately I’ve been wearing a lot of Athleta joggers and sweatshirts. They go up to 3X.

    5. I either wear jeans or Costco joggers, topped with some sweater or professional sweatshirt/fleece. My go-tos are Talbots (they have fleece turtlenecks I wear all winter), Orvis, and LL Bean (ditto on pretty turtleneck sweatshirts).

    6. Talbots T line / haven well within for tops on sale, j crew factory, some Abercrombie sweatshirts. And then just whatever basic leggings.

  13. I’m hosting a casual cocktail party tomorrow night. A friend and I are involved in a charity and invited everyone who bought gifts for needy kids to drop them off and have a drink with us at my place late tomorrow evening. Friend is making her absolutely delectable finger food dishes. She asked that I grab paper plates but I don’t tend to stock them. My husband agrees paper but my mom was horrified. Would you expect real plates at something Iike this?

    1. How many people? If less than 10 I’d use real dishes. If more than 10, I’d use paper, but I’d get nice, sturdy ones.

    2. Maybe your mom was picturing something different? I’d be imagining substantial coated dessert/appetizer size plates in a festive pattern (not literal white paper like I’d put a kids’ hot dog on).

    3. Paper all the way!

      (but the thicker, rigid kind, so you can hold them in one hand without the food sliding off. or bows instead of plates)

    7. Paper plates are 100% fine for a party. I would personally buy playes that look sort of festive vs. plain white, but whatever you end up with will be fine.

    8. Neither real plates nor paper plates would surprise me at all. Unless the paper plates were left over from a bachelorette party and were, um, uniquely shaped or something…

        1. Neither real plates nor paper plates would surprise me at all. Unless the paper plates were left over from a bachelorette party and were, um, uniquely shaped or something…

          Hope that helps!

    9. If guests will be standing up holding their plate then paper is better- real dishes are heavy. Get the cute kind with snowflakes or whatever around the rim. I draw the line at plastic cups though.

      1. I disagree re the cups. I think plastic cups are also fine for a party. Not everyone has enough glass wine glasses or tumblers or water cups for a party…

    10. Get pretty disposable plates and call it a day! I would not expect real plates for something like this.

    11. Fancy paper plates like from HomeGoods or a boutique, not grocery store plates. For the holidays, I feel like fancy paper plates are an acceptable trade for real plates.

    12. Sturdy ‘pretty’ paper or bamboo plates, yes. The ones that are flimsy white paper like what you get at a window-service pizza by the slice place, no.

    13. My redneck is showing here but everyone I grew up with/around knows Chinet are “the good plates” :-)

  14. Another home design question. Currently, the spot for the refrigerator in our kitchen is right next to a corner, and the fridge is perpendicular to the long wall of the kitchen that has the stove, oven, and cabinets. Because it’s right up against the corner, only a single door that swings open to the right will work. I don’t like the bottom-of-the-line LG fridge with top freezer (and no ice maker) that we currently have, but it’s tough to find anything else that will fit in that spot. A friend told me that SubZero could make me a custom fridge for that spot, but it would probably run me $12k. Alternatively, we could renovate to expand the kitchen and put any fridge on the opposite wall. I guess my question is — which of these choices would you pick?

    1. I would carefully check the specs on off the shelf fridges before going custom. I’d be surprised if it’s necessary once you look at the detailed specs. We reno’d our kitchen and moved the fridge to a spot where there were only two options for off the shelf fridges with that would fit. I knew that going in and it’s been fine.

      All fridges that are in the same broad size category like 36″ or 34″ are not the same exact size in terms of the specs for room on either side.

    2. I have a SubZero that I love a LOT, but I’ve never heard that they can make custom fridges. (And my off-the-shelf SZ was $15K.) In other words, I am not sure that is correct info. However, a lot of less-fancy fridges have doors that can be mounted to swing either way. Have you looked online at somewhere like AJ Madison that will let you drill down and search for that feature? If that doesn’t work, I am all for renovating the kitchen and moving the fridge. They’re easy to relocate from a plumbing standpoint.

        1. +1

          Yes, the reversible doors are common for basic appliances. (W/Ds do it too.) This feature will take care of any left/right problems you might have.

          I also wonder if choosing a fridge that’s narrower by a couple inches, and scooching it to the far side of the cabinetry opening, might not help your problem as well by giving you more breathing room against the one wall.

        2. Me again. Apparently I have a lot to say about fridges.
          If your new fridge has an ice maker, but there is not a water line to the current location, it is easy to run one from your sink. It is so easy that I personally have done it. You add a valve with two outlets to the water supply line and then attach an ice maker supply line to the new outlet, run the line through the space behind your cabinets or through the cabinets (drill holes as necessary) to the back of your fridge. HD or your hardware store can fix you up.

    3. Lots of fridge freezers can have the door swing either way. When you’re looking, look for flat doors with inset handles so that they can open all the way.

      I would consider changing the layout, but absolutely hate icemaker fridges, so would go for a high-end one not connected to water.

      1. Countertop/pantry icemakers have come a long way. I’d prefer extra fridge interior space and a pantry icemaker if I was buying new.

    4. I assume a kitchen remodel is a lot more than 12k, but if it’s something you’re considering anyway, I’d go that route.

  15. anyone familiar with chicago? my 16 yo and i are planning to go for a day over his winter break. the purpose is to try two restaurants (one brunch and one dinner) but obviously we need to fill the time in between meals. He likes food (obviously), sports, fancy second hand shops, and is generally easy going and accommodating. it will certainly be cold. toying with going to see u chicago to dip his toe in college visits knowing that it will likely be deserted but looking for other suggestions! thanks.

    1. Does he have any interests that overlap with any of Chicago’s museums or galleries? Some of them are world class and some of them are U Chicago.

      2. Art Institute is great if you’re going to be downtown. The MSI (on the south side, near UChicago) has a real German U-boat, if that interests him.

        1. Just went to the Science and Industry Museum a few weeks ago and it was awesome. They also have a coal mine exhibit where you go down with an old elevator and get to experience the mine.

          Field Museum is also great, and the park there has great view of the skyline – but it will probably be bitterly cold.

          The Skydeck in Sears Tower is touristy but great – get a timed entry ticket and enjoy, my favorite times are sunrise or sunset.

    2. A bit off the beaten track: Andersonville has fun stores and secondhand shops for clothes and furniture, like Brown Elephant, Buffalo Exchange, District, and Scout for secondhand. It also has a great bookstore (Women and Children First), local coffee and tea shops (Colectivo and Eli Tea Bar), men’s clothing shops (Cowboys and Astronauts, and Dearborn Denim), and a great Swedish bakery (Lost Larson). You can take the Red Line El Train north to Berwyn to get there. It’s in the opposite direction of UChicago, though.

      1. +1 and what times / day of the week? thinking about things like fitting in a matinee.

    4. The Art Institute is great. It’s not the Met but it’s solid. If you’re down in Hyde Park visiting U Chicago I’d definitely check out the bookstores along 57th, particularly Powells and 57th Street books. Robie House (a Frank Lloyd Wright design) is there too and a fun place to visit. The Architecture Foundation downtown has some great tours. I’m not sure if any are indoor-centric but it’s probably worth a look at their website.

    5. There is a lot of world-class theater in Chicago if he is interested in that at all.

      1. This is a tough time of year for it though. At this time of year it’s mainly just the holiday shows you can see anywhere.

  16. I am not a luxury person, but after a shite 2025, I want to go to a fancy hotel spa (I’m in Chicago, if that matters). What treatment or massage do you recommend for a newbie? I’ve done one-off massages at chain locations in the past to treat muscle tightness. I’ve never done any kind of facial, and I’m intrigued.

    1. YMMV but I might try a lower-cost facial first to see if you like the concept. I learned that I do not find a stranger’s hands touching my face to feel relaxing – like please just give me the products in the correct order and I’ll rub them in thanks. OTOH I adore scalp and neck / shoulder massages.

    2. I have heard great things about the Langham and Penisula and like Aire but that’s not so much treatments as it is soaking. Also like Spa Soak for a less fancy more neighborhood vibe but certainly a step up from chain.

    3. DH and I stayed at the Waldorf for a milestone birthday earlier this year and the massage I got at their spa was phenomenal. It’s not as luxe a hotel as the Langham or Peninsula but also not in the same price category.

    4. I like a body scrub, as it feels a bit like a massage but also makes your skin really soft. I also enjoy hot tubs and the like.

    5. If you want a “productive” massage to get knots out then deep tissue feels amazing. Swedish massage is gentle surface level rubbing, so it’s relaxing but some people find it unsatisfying. Either way spring for 90 minutes. It’s not a fancy hotel but I’m a fan of Kohler in Lincoln Park.

    6. You might consider a foot massage (reflexology) if you are not sure if you want a body massage. I know people say they are ticklish, but these go beyond ticklish and is so super relaxing. You can stay fully dressed (even just put a robe over whatever you are wearing if you want). It is a really good intro to massage. I spa a ton and it is my favorite treatment.

    7. I’d check the local nice spa for full day or half day packages and really make it A Thing. I’m so with you on 2025 and trying to figure out how I want to say goodbye and good riddance to a crappy year.

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