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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 200 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Mixed Gemstone Y-Chain

Coffee Break

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Trendy Pendant: Feathered Soul Mixed Gemstone Y-Chain I've seen tons of iterations of this trendy Y-chain pendant, from high to low, but I've always seen it photographed by itself or styled on a Boho twenty-something with ripped flares and a flower headband. I never quite envisioned them for work until I saw this one styled with a crewnecked, heavyweight dress. It looks solid, stylish, professional — and hey, isn't it great to know you can also wear it with ripped flares and flower headbands? This one at Barneys is pricey, but you can find similar styles here and here. Feathered Soul Mixed Gemstone Y-Chain (L-4)

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. HouLaw

    Thanks to a travel site deal, I’m planning a trip to Japan during cherry blossom season (next April).

    I would love any recommendations from my fellow ‘rettes about things I should do (and also things I shouldn’t do!)

    • missing japan

      Do you know what city you will be staying in primarily? The sakura viewing is the best in Kyoto, consequently lodging books up intensely. Large hotels will have space available in advance, but some smaller Japanese hotels and inns do not open booking up until 3-4 months prior, so keep that in mind. If you were thinking of an Airbnb, maybe reconsider due to the current grey nature of airbnb legality in Japan right now. People have reported their airbnb reservations were cancelled a week to 24 hours before they arrived, leaving them in a lurch.

      Try to set up a checking account with no foreign withdrawal fee, as cash is preferred in Japan although all major hotels and stores will take credit. So have a foreign transaction free card as well. Be prepared to handle coins a lot. There aren’t many public trash cans outside of subway stations and convenience stores so you’ll be holding onto your garbage if you’re out all day. Also many restaurants and bars allow smoking so be prepared for that to happen.

      Eat constantly.

      • HouLaw

        Thank you for the tips, particularly on airbnb! I think we’ll be staying primarily in Tokyo but I want to spend a couple of nights in Kyoto. And yes, I plan to eat constantly (but not on the go!)

        • missing japan

          If you’re doing a round trip shinkansen from Tokyo to Kyoto, the JR Rail pass may fit your needs if you are staying for at least a week. You can only purchase it before you get to Japan, and there are some online calculators to see if it is worth it (for example it is useful in Tokyo and on the shinkansen lines, but in Kyoto its mostly private rail lines that you can’t use the JR pass for). There’s also lots of budget airlines which are very good. Taking the shinkansen is so lovely though, but carry some gum because your ears will pop like crazy

  2. Anonymous

    Looking for a black nylon bag for work that is practical but also nice-looking, preferably under $300. Any suggestions? My Longchamp tote is on its last legs and I’d like to upgrade. I don’t want to buy a Longchamp again because of the issue with the corners ripping.

    • Coach Laura

      I love my baggallini tote – ebags has a good selection.

      BTW on the Longchamp bag I believe that they will repair the corners (or take it to a shoe repair place – easy $10 fix) and then you can use the Longchamp as a backup or weekend tote.

      • Linda

        Or any of the Lo & Sons! I also like the TT and OG if you need a bigger bag. They have sales often and also give you 20% off your first order.

  3. CJ

    I just got an interview for a federal attorney job (not DOJ). I’m a senior associate and I’ve only interviewed at firms. What should I ask and what questions should I be prepared for? Thanks!

    • Shayla

      You’re going to need to explain why you want to become a federal employee, why you want to leave firm-life, and in some way address how you’re ready for the culture change. That’s at least what we look for where I am (not DOJ). We don’t expect people to fully understand the culture shock that might happen, just that they’ve thought enough to understand it’s a thing.
      Ask details about the work, based upon the job posting, the percentage of time the attorneys spend doing the various activities, and compliance if that’s a thing for your area/this agency. Good luck!

      • JTX

        Can you describe the culture change? I’ve been applying to federal jobs so I’m very interested. Thanks.

        • DC Anon

          Way more bureaucracy; things don’t happen quickly; you may have to make it work with a lazy idiot team member who can’t be fired; there will be people who will wear terribly unprofessional clothes to work and no one says anything to them; your support staff will likely be worthless but overpaid so they will never leave; there are people in charge who have been there for decades and it’s their way or the highway even if their way stopped making sense 10 years ago; you have to arrive exactly when your schedule says you start work (no coming in later and then working later), etc.

          I’ve worked in the federal government and I could do a similar list of pros! So the cons shouldn’t scare you, but it’s certainly much much different from being at a firm.

          • Navy Attorney

            +1.
            Feds love feds. They also resent BigLaw salaries. If you even had an internship in the government, highlight that. Also they will be suspicious about why you’d want to cut your salary in half/third. Dollars to donuts you’ll be a GS-14, which in DC just cracks 3 figures. Don’t say you’re looking for an easier worklife, because that implies your interviewers are slackers. The party line is “because I want to contribute, not pad some company’s profits.” If you’re at a HQ expect more bureaucracy than a regional office; I’ve worked in both and at region you’re likely the lone attorney so are completely flooded with work.

          • Navy Attorney

            PS – the hours varies by supervisor. Due to so many lawsuits, everyone gets treated equally, so if one person has a problem coming in on time, no one gets flexibility.

  4. Anonymous

    “It can be difficult to muster outrage as frequently as Donald Trump should cause it, but his smear against President Obama requires it.”

    Totes using this language in a brief someday when detailing the offenses of a particularly obstreperous party. #HillYes

      • Anonymous

        Yeah, he was on some conservative radio show and the host was trying to help him out, like “you mean Obama created the political environment that allowed ISIS to flourish, right?” and Trump is just like “NOPE. He literally founded it.”

        • ELaw

          I think this is both a case of him having no idea what the word “literally” actually means and also not caring at all.

          • anonymous

            False. ISIS existed beforehand and would have existed anyway. It just wouldn’t have basically taken over parts of Iraq and Syria.

          • Anonymous

            Founder: I don’t think that word means what he thinks it means. It’s a lot more…active than having bad policies to create an environment that allows it to flourish.

          • bakedbeans

            Eh… DT is a former birther, so when I read the first comments I thought he believed that Obama had held secret meetings with al-Zarqawi and the like. There is plenty to criticize about Donald Trump and his candidacy but sometimes the media seizes on poor world choices because it’s easier than a substantive policy critique.

          • Jules

            “Poor word choices” from a candidate for president are actually pretty significant, IMO.

          • Anonymous

            It’s not just poor word choices but an absolute unwillingness to admit they were poor word choices. If Trump would just apologize and say he phrased things badly and that’s not what he meant, it would blow over quickly. But he is a pathological narcissist who is unable to admit to even the slightest misstep, and keeps defending his poor word choices or in some instances (like with the Khans) digging himself in even deeper and then it becomes a huge deal.

      • Wow

        I am so looking forward to the day that he loses the election. And he will lose, no doubt.

        • Cb

          I hope so but worry about the genie he’s let out of the bottle. Any one of his racist / sexist slurs would have destroyed a politician’s career 10 years ago and now these views have been legitimised.

          • Anonymous

            I agree. And I think he’s already hurt national security and our relationships with our allies. A lot of my friends think that (assuming he loses the election) this whole debacle will be a good thing because of the damage it has done and will continue to do to the GOP, but I don’t feel that way at all. Even if he doesn’t make it to the White House, he was very, very close and that’s a terrible thing.

          • Anonymous

            I’m scared about what his supporters will do when he loses. Looks like he’ll probably get 40% or so of the popular vote, and I gotta assume some fraction of them are supporters BECAUSE of his violent rhetoric, not in spite of it.

          • Sydney Bristow

            I was just saying this to my dad last night. I really hope that he doesn’t want to win and his entire campaign was just punking the whole country, but even if it is I think that a huge amount of harm has been done by legitimizing so many of these horrible views.

          • Anonymous

            I know this probably doesn’t matter, but as a person of color who is not from the US, trump has made me way less likely to visit the US.

            It upsets me that so many Americans support him, I know it’s not the majority view, but it’s sad to know what people really think. That NYT uncensored video of his supporters was eye opening, and made me feel less safe about travelling to the US

          • Care

            Anonymous @ 4:28.

            It absolutely matters. That is heartbreaking to me. That is Trump’s legacy and it is so rotten because that is not the message we want the world to hear and that is not how we want anyone to feel about visiting. I hope Trump is crushed in the election just to send a statement to the world that his views are not the views of our country and the racist bigots who support him are a small (but vocal) minority here.

          • A.non

            If he loses, he paralells Paris Hilton. However, just because Hilton faded into relative obscurity does not mean that there isn’t someone else who will follow her model and be more successful with it. A Kim Kardashian parallel who takes Trumps attitude and policies all the way would be disastrous!

        • Anon

          I identify as a Republican and hope, pray, and have my fingers crossed that Trump DOES NOT WIN THE ELECTION BECAUSE NO ONE CAN BE AS BAD AS HIM!

          I am so dumb founded that people actually voted/caucused for him…like, it certainly has to be a joke, right?

          • anonymous

            Are you voting for Clinton or a 3rd party candidate? No judgment, just wondering.

  5. Anon

    Shopping help please!! Pictures are scheduled soon with in laws and they want a beach-y vibe with adults in whites, khakis, or blue, so neutral. This does not describe my wardrobe. I own no khaki and don’t want to and have almost no white and nothing casual in a blue. I guess I’m looking for a casual dress that will be good in pics and that I would like enough to wear otherwise. Under $100 is ideal, but I’ll spend more if I have to. Thank you.

  6. Anon

    Can I just vent quickly about how much waiting to hear back after an interview sucks? I had a second round in-person interview early last week that I felt went pretty well, but I still haven’t heard anything back, despite the fact that they promised to be in touch “shortly”. I’ve been a hiring manager before and I know how many little things can come up that cause delays in responding to candidates, but being on the other side is rough. I’m going to follow up tomorrow and I’m continuing to explore other opportunities but ugh, I just needed to vent that the waiting can be rough.

    • Anonymous

      I’m in your shoes right now. It sucks. Hang in there. This is a slow time of year, people are on vacation etc.

    • New Anon

      I once had a first interview in July, second interview in December, job offer in January. Often things go on behind the scenes you just aren’t privvy to. Waiting is unfortunately part of the process.

    • al

      ugh same here. Interview last week and they said they would follow up for another interview this week. I’m going crazy waiting! I keep telling myself to be patient and will follow up tomorrow too. It doesn’t help that August is such a slow month work-wise. There is nothing else to do but brood.

  7. Anonymous

    Kind of a silly question but how do you figure out what activities to put your kids in? Do you wait until they ask to do something? I assume by the age of 5 or 6 or so kids speak up about what they want to participate in but by then it’s almost too late for things like gymnastics and ballet, right? My niece is in preschool and it seems like she and some of her friends are already in tumbling and dance classes, but I assume participation in that kind of thing at the age of 3 or so is really driven by the parents. How do you decide which activities/do you think it’s a good thing to start that young or is it just something stage mom-types do?

    • Legally Brunette

      My kids are 1.5 and 3.5 and the only activity that my older one is currently in is a weekly swim group class. He didn’t ask, but DH and I strongly believe that swimming is an essential life skill. My younger one is joining the class in the fall.

      We are also signing up my 3.5 year old for a “Sunday school” of sorts at our temple. He actually expressed lots of interest and we think it would be a good idea.

      I don’t like overbooking our weekends with scheduled activities and with these two classes, we will have our hands more than full. Bottom line, if you think a class would be useful/fun for your child, sign him up but he/she will also have plenty of fun if you don’t.

    • Anonymous

      Mine have been in swimming since they were 2. Where I live, it is a life skill. Other things are if they are offered on-site at day care / school, their friends do it, I do it, etc. The thinking seems to be that kids don’t get enough physical activity / recess, so you try to get them to do something and you repeat if they seem content with it.

      If it were a choice, my kids would just ride horses b/c who doesn’t love horses / My Little Pony? But we don’t live on a farm.

    • Anonymous

      In my experience, for most preschoolers participation is driven by the parents. I enrolled my daughter in ballet and swimming at two. She was super excited about ballet because of the leotard and tutu, but after about two weeks she hated it and would fight me on going. After that session ended I did not re-enroll her. At three she asked for ballet again, and it was a disaster again. I think she would enjoy gymnastics more but I’m going to wait another year or two before I sign her up. Maybe she’ll be too late for a really competitive program but she can still have fun with the classes.
      Swimming is a different story. She doesn’t really like it but I’m making her do it until she’s competent in the water, because I think it’s an important life skill.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      No kids myself, but friends with kids this age tend to choose one or two things per season for the kiddo to try, based on what the kiddo seems to like – so, for example, my friend with the 3 year old obsessed with ballerinas put her daughter in dance class. In another case, a friend’s kid went to a “pony party” and came home obsessed with horses, so he’s signed up for a season of riding lessons right now. I think it mostly depends on a combo of kiddo interest + parental interest + feasibility for the family.

      And +1 to swimming as essential life skill – I have spent all of my life within 20 minutes of a beach, and I am continually surprised by the number of people who live here and go to the beach regularly and whose kids cannot swim (and continually heartbroken by the tragedies that result). Kids who can’t swim are at huge risk of making bad decisions in/around water because they don’t know any better – please, anyone with kids, enroll them in some basic swimming classes. Their lives may one day literally depend on it. /endrant/.

    • mascot

      Water safety/swimming lessons (with me teaching) started before age 2 because its a life skill. Soccer/basketball/swim team started when my child was old enough to ask at age 5. Before that, we participated in whatever was offered at school. We only do one sport at a time.
      You aren’t really getting much out of sports technique at a super young age- they are still developing motor skills, learning to take direction, figuring out left and right, learning to play with their teammates and not against them, etc. I don’t worry that we’ve somehow doomed our child because we didn’t start lessons at 3. I think that those kids that are young phenoms are going to be really good regardless of when they start.

    • Anonymous

      I agree that most people do swimming young because it is a life skill like knowing how to walk, other things can be parent or child driven. Some kids are very athletic from a young age (like 18 months) and showing certain skills like upper body strength or hand-eye coordination. I have a nephew who is two and in weekly soccer classes and he can kick a ball straight into a net. So I think some parents do gymnastics because it seems like their kid has an innate tumbling ability and they need some way to get the energy out on a saturday, while others might put a girl in ballet because they did it and enjoyed it. Basically follow your kid and trust your gut?

    • RR

      It’s not too late at 5-6. A lot of girls are in dance for example earlier than that, but it’s mostly just basic movement. In my experience, it doesn’t start to click and really progress until 6-7. My kids are just starting soccer at 8 and are by no means the worst on the team. It’s very easy to get sucked into the feeling of “it’s already too late,” but it’s not. It’s really too much to expect that you are going to accurately predict as the parent of a 3 year old what your child’s passion will be as a teenager. Just give them opportunities to try things, and you will figure out what they really like. Sometimes the idea of something sounds good, and then kids hate it. Sometimes, you push them to try something, and they love it. Give them opportunities, let them guide you toward what they love, and don’t stress about it being “too late” by the time they are 5.

    • Gym mom

      +1 on swimming as an essential life skill. We were lucky that swimming lessons have been provided through various day camps our daughter attended.

      At age 3, the choice of activities is driven primarily by the parents. The benefits of soccer, ballet, gymnastics, etc. at this age are primarily general gross motor development and learning to wait in line, listen, show respect for the instructor, and take turns. I put my daughter in pre-ballet at age 3.5 because I loved ballet class as a kid (and still take class as an adult), but if she had hated it I would have switched her to another activity. I was really excited when they taught her to skip, something I had been unable to teach her myself. I purposely chose a professional ballet school that uses live pianists but does not have a competition “company” or have the itty bitty kids perform.

      My daughter begged for gymnastics classes in kindergarten and piano lessons in first grade. At that age, kids are just beginning to be ready for substantive instruction. Many parents seem to believe that if they get their kids into dance or sports at age 3 it will give them a huge advantage down the line. This is not really true. My daughter is now 9 and a competitive gymnast, and the team girls who started gymnastics at age 6 or 7 have all caught up with or surpassed the ones who were in the “preschool preteam” class at age 4.

    • CHJ

      My 3 year old also does swimming for all the reasons mentioned above. We also do Music Together because music is important to my husband (he’s a classically-trained musician). Otherwise, it’s all about what works for our schedule and what is available in the winter when we need indoor activities to burn off energy. Last year, that was a gymnastics class offered by Parks & Rec, but I’m not sure what we’ll do this year.

    • lawsuited

      No way is it too late to start ballet or gymnastics at age 5! If it’s important to you that your kid become an Olympian or something, maybe, but then I think you just push them into it as a toddler regardless of their preferences.

      • lawsuited

        Also, Penny Oleksiak has won 3 medals at the Rio Olympics and only learned to swim when she was 9!

      • mascot

        So along those line- I know a couple of swim coaches that competed at the international level and coach Olympic prospects or a college team. Both said that they encourage kids to play multiple sports growing up and not to worry about really starting to specialize in swimming until high school.. It makes for better athletes and prevents burn-out.

    • Sydney Bristow

      My parents put me in gymnastics when I was about 3 when they turned around for a second and I had climbed to the top of my swingset. They let me play soccer, t-ball, etc in elementary school when I was interested because that is what my friends were doing. Gymnastics was clearly my love though so I actually did reach a point where I had to decide whether to go all in for gymnastics or keep splitting my time. I’d tried enough things and knew what I loved that I was able to make that decision (sometime in elementary school but I can’t remember exactly how old I was).

    • Bonnie

      We signed up lil man for gymnastics at 2.5 and swim lessons at around 3. Honestly, our primary motivation was to find an outlet for his endless energy. We also think that by introducing him to different activities he will decide what he likes. He loves gymnastics though they don’t do anything really complicated at this age.

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t assume a 5 or 6 year old would speak up, since they only know about the things their friends might be doing and you know about more activities that are available to them. Ask them about things you would be willing to have them do to see if they are interested. But if they do speak up, listen to what they have to say. Even if it seems “late” – not all kids have to be interested in being super awesome (Elite level quality) in order to just be interested in doing something.

      Don’t forget to include music training in the mix – some methods start violin training younger, though I’ve heard late elementary is a good time for piano (hands are big enough to not be frustrating).

    • 2 Cents

      +1 to the swimming lessons. Junior doesn’t need to swim like Michael Phelps, but not being afraid of water (and being able to float) is a big plus.

      Signed,
      My Husband Never Learned How to Swim and Refuses to as an Adult

    • PatsyStone

      My 3yo isn’t in any classes. Frankly, his full-time (and awesome) preschool at the university I work at takes up enough of his/my time, energy, and money. My husband and I both work on alternating weekends, so it’s too hard to get a regularly scheduled thing going on the weekend. Right now we go swimming at our local community pool 5-6 nights a week for an hour. Not formal lessons but he’s slowly becoming a good swimmer and I love how it wears him out. I doubt we’ll be looking into any lessons that are not offered on-site anytime soon unless Cool Friend does it and he really wants to join.

      I was an over-scheduled kid from an early age and looking back that really reflected my mom’s temperament, but not mine. Hoping to take the middle path as time goes on, we’ll see.

    • Anon

      I was in swimming lessons when I was a baby (under age 1) and took them until I had finished every level. I’m really grateful for it today. I’m a confident swimmer and I love the water. I’m familiar with basic lifeguarding techniques and can tread water, along with all of the strokes. I love swimming and I think it’s because I never had a moment where I got scared of water and then learned to swim. I just knew how from the time I was old enough to comprehend water. I hated the lessons when I was older but I’m so grateful now. This is one where I would make my kids go whether they showed interest or not.

  8. Difficulty Spending

    I have trouble spending money without feeling guilty. Suffice to say, I save most of my income, but I find it incredibly hard to part with any of my savings. I have some safe categories where I feel no guilt, like groceries. Other things are very difficult to justify. But now, I’m having my first kid and the cost of a stroller and car seat and other baby stuff just overwhelms me. This is not an income problem. Also, my husband is thrifty too, but I don’t get any pressure from him to spend less than I currently do, so it’s not external. Basically, any advice? Anyone else in this position?

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, you need to get over this for your kid’s sake. Kids cost money, it’s a fact of life. Are you going to withhold giving your baby what it needs because of your psychological issues? That’s selfish. You don’t have to spend a ton of money on baby stuff, but you do want a quality car seat and stroller for sure.

      • Anonymous

        But it’s also totally normal to experience some sticker shock when shopping for a coming baby–especially a first baby, when you don’t know exactly what you need and there is a whole industry trying to convince you that you can’t possibly give birth until you’ve stored up on breastmilk storage bags or whatever. I think this comment is a bit unfair. You can be frugal and a bit in shock thinking about upcoming expenses without being a selfish mom who’ll deprive your baby of necessities, for god’s sake.

        OP, there are a few things you really need before the baby comes (yes, car seat and stroller, and also a place for baby to sleep and some diapers and clothes) but one thing that helps is to just buy those necessities and then buy as you go, figuring out what your specific baby likes, wants and needs. Otherwise, there will be a lot of things that someone told you that you MUST get that you will never end up using.

        • Anon

          When I was pregnant I remember feeling like I had to buy everything I might possibly need before the baby arrived because I would never leave the house again. This was not true. By the time she was a week old I could hardly wait for an excuse to go to Target just to get out of the house.

          • Anonymous

            And there’s Amazon Prime if you really feel like you can’t leave the house.

        • Anon for this

          +1. The Kid joined the family as a pop-up adoption. We had a car seat, a packable infant crib, about six outfits, a half-dozen bottles and a bottle brush, a pack each of dipes and wipes, some binkies and a few blankets when he was born. We picked up a snap’n’go stroller on the way to the hospital and bought everything else later. It was all fine.

          Baby stuff is spendy, but there are ways to economize without skimping too much. If I had it all to do over, I would have skipped the infant bucket ($250 plus $80 for a spare base!) or borrowed from a friend and gone right to the rear-facing convertible car seat. The Kid was way too big to tote around in that bucket and those are not good for infants anyway.

          And do not skimp on the stroller!! Even the hubs agrees that was the best purchase that we spent money on. Go to a nice baby store, try out the good models, consult some parenting boards, and buy from Albee Baby or one of the other online shops that runs great deals. There are lots of good choices in the $300-400 range (and good deals on the prior year’s models starting any time now). Thanksgiving is coming and the Black Friday stroller sales are great!

      • Anonymous

        You can also get quality stuff secondhand. Just because you need certain items and need them to be safe doesn’t mean you have to spend a ton of money.

        • Sarabeth

          This. Craigslist, local facebook swap groups, and consignment shops will sell you basically everything you need for 30% of the price.

          That said, I was insanely frugal about our first kid, and in retrospect it was a way of managing the larger anxiety about the enormous life transition I was undergoing. This time, I’ve let myself buy a lot more stuff even if it’s not strictly necessary. I get it used, but I don’t spend hours finding the absolute cheapest way to get something. Because yes, you can have a kid without a baby swing – but if that swing is what gets your kid to nap, it is going to be worth pretty much whatever you pay for it.

        • Walnut

          I bought nearly everything second hand via Craigslist and garage sales. Even the car seat.

      • Anonymama

        Eh, I used my cheapo umbrella stroller way more than the expensive jogging stroller, I think it depends on your lifestyle how much you need a nice stroller. But I do agree a decent car seat is worth it if you have to put kid in a car every day.

    • Boston Legal Eagle

      You can read the frugalwoods blog to get some tips on thrifty child rearing. Most of their baby items were second hand so were free/cheap. I would probably splurge for a new car seat though b/c of safety concerns.

    • orange

      I used to be like this a bit. I grew up with the mentality that if you don’t need it, you don’t spend money on it, even though my parents had solid middle-class jobs. For example, eating out had to be something pre-planned, not just a spontaneous thing. Not having a plan for dinner meant having a can of soup, not ordering pizza. I still feel like I need to be accumulating savings to feel comfortable financially, but I have gotten used to spending money more freely. Practice helps! Just buy the things. It gets easier next time.

      For me, I can’t handle line by line budgeting. I know there is enough money in the pot for what I’m spending, so I just give myself permission and get it. Let yourself use your energy on being with your kid, not stressing over stuff.

    • Anon in NYC

      It sounds like the baby/pregnancy is just a trigger for a bigger issue, given your mention of “safe categories.” That said, you don’t need expensive baby gear. All cribs and car seats, no matter how inexpensive or expensive, have to meet certain mandated safety standards. There’s nothing wrong with buying a crib and high chair at Ikea. You don’t have to buy organic crib mattresses or organic baby clothes. Plenty of people do not do those things.

      I think you should get the book Baby Bargains (your library might have it) and read through it. It really helped me and my husband narrow down items that we wanted/needed versus those that we decided were not necessary for us, and also helped us identify categories where we were willing to spend more or less. For instance, we didn’t need a bottle warmer (microwaving water in a pyrex bowl and then warming a bottle was good enough for us) or a wipes warmer. We didn’t need $30 crib sheets when the $10 ones looked just fine. We were willing to spend more on a stroller because we walk a lot and knew we’d be walking 2+ miles most days with it and taking it on the subway/maneuvering in narrow store aisles, but if we were in the suburbs and spent most of our time in and out of the car, I don’t think I’d have spent as much on a stroller.

      For me, baby gear is very much like wedding planning – pick the things that matter to you and spend the money there, and try to do the rest as cheaply as you can.

      • Anonymous

        Even if you weren’t being thrifty I would tell you to buy the IKEA high chair – seriously, it’s the easiest to clean up.

      • BeenThatGuy

        +1 to everything here. Every friend that gets pregnant, gets the newest version of Baby Bargains from me as a gift. It helps you make educated decisions and gives you 3 price point options for each item.

      • Anonymouse

        +1 on Baby Bargains. They also have a board and I found the parents on there super helpful on baby stuff and other deals.

    • Anonshmanon

      I can relate with the urge to save all that can be saved. It helps me to take a step back and remember what life goals I am savign for. I am looking to have a nice life. That helps me to give me permission to get something nice.

    • Dulcinea

      Whatever principle “permits” you to spend money on groceries (presumably, that healthy food is a necessity for life?) should permit you to spend on certain baby items that provide or enhance safety for your baby- (in this order) car seat, crib, stroller.

    • chl

      Agree with Baby Bargains and think about how often you’re going to use things depending on your lifestyle – cost per use. If you’re going to use a stroller almost every day on city streets for 3 years (or whatever), get the one that folds easily and has good shocks etc. If you mostly drive and just need a stroller on occasion, get a cheapy. Same for baby carriers – my sister in law got the cheap one. And then a different cheap one because it hurt their back, and then another cheap one. And then finally got an Ergo like I told her to in the first place:) Agree on second hand stuff – a lot of cities have facebook mom swaps in addition to craigslist.

  9. Wedding attire dilemma

    In just over three weeks my fiancé’s cousin is getting married. It’s happening on his aunt and uncle’s farm. It’s going to be super casual; they are getting married in a barn, the bride and groom are wearing darkwashed denim shorts, white t-shirts and white sandals, there’s no rings or flowers, the ceremony is going to be under 10 minutes and followed by a BBQ with beer and soda and dancing from iPod music and they don’t want any gifts.

    The dilemma I’m having is what to wear. The wedding is in a different state and I’ve never been outside of the greater New York area. I’ve never been to the country before either. I know it’s super laid back and but I have no idea what to wear. I asked his aunt when my fiancé called to say we’re coming and she said that everyone will be wearing cutoff denim shorts, flip flops and tank tops. I don’t own flip flops or any kind of shorts. I also feel weird dressing so casual because besides gym clothes I don’t own any casual clothing really. I’ve never been to a non-formal wedding before either. What should I wear that keeps it casual while still in my comfort zone?

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t wear flip flops or shorts to a wedding in a million years. A nice sundress for sure.

      • Anon

        I think it is rude to not wear the dress requested of the hosts regardless of whether the requested dress is black tie or cut off shorts.

    • Wedding attire dilemma

      I thought about buying a sundress but every time I showed my fiancé one I liked he said I’ll look too formal and out of place when everyone is wearing cutoff shorts (including the bride).

      • Anonymous

        For some reason men automatically think dress = fancy, even if its cotton and baggy. Go buy some shorts and sandals then?

        • VA Anon

          I remember a long time ago on this site someone relayed a story of how her man was curious to know why a woman was wearing a long, formal gown while on a walk. The woman was wearing a maxi dress.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          Or maybe a skirt + top, which might seem more casual? Because Anonymous is right, men always seem to think dress=fancy (I once showed up to something in what was a very casual cotton sleeveless sundress. multiple males asked if I had come straight from work. Um, no? Not even close to a work dress. Men are clueless.)

      • ELaw

        Do you care?

        I say go as casual as you feel comfortable. If he thinks that’s too formal, he’s entitled to that opinion, but not entitled to tell you what to or not to wear. If you dress in a way you don’t like, you’ll be uncomfortable for that reason instead of because you’re “out of place”.

        YMMV.

        • Wedding attire dilemma

          I think he is just nervous because this is the first time I will be meeting his family (aside from talking to his parents on Skype). He is never controlling about what I wear but he wants this to go well and when he says I’ll look out of place he was also mentioning that if I look to formal his family will feel put out because I knew it was casual. I want to respect his feelings while still being comfortable.

          • Bewitched

            If it’s your first time meeting his family, and if you are a “native NY’er”, I’d try my hardest to find shorts and a cute tank top to wear. I could be way off, but I picture someone who has shopped at Barneys wearing bermuda shorts and a “work shell” (no, don’t do this!) and being woefully out of place. I like the shorts Elaw references above. I feel like Anthropologie would have cute sandals and a tank. I’m obsessed with this one right now, but it’s probably too long for shorts!

            http://www.anthropologie.com/anthro/pdp/index.jsp?&id=4112211067742&color=066#/

          • PolyD

            How about a denim skirt, nice tee, and sandals? I don’t love how I look in shorts, so if I felt a dress was too “formal,” I’d go with a casual skirt. Old Navy could also be a good place to look.

      • lost academic

        Agree with the anon above – don’t ask a guy :) I think a sundress is just fine here.

    • Anonymous

      Something like Parkside shirtdress from Anthro? Casual yet cool and you can rewear it in town with a long-sleeved tee under, leggings and boots.

      • Jules

        Ha, as seen in a prior set of comments, your fiancé will consider a maxi dress the equivalent of a ball gown.

        I like the denim skirt option.

    • Dulcinea

      denim miniskirt (bonus points for cutoff fringe) + cotton tank top and cute (flat) sandals. Luckily all these items can be ad cheaply at a place like target/ t j max / century twenty-one.

    • Senior Attorney

      You’ve gotten great advice. All I have to add, with 30 days to go before my ginormous fancy wedding, is that this sounds like an awesome, awesome event!!

      • NOLA

        I can’t believe you’re having a ginormous fancy wedding! Good for you, but seriously, if I got married again, it would be so not big or fancy!

  10. Anon

    I’m planning a trip to London and Paris in the late summer/early fall. I plan to fly into London, take the train down to Paris, and fly home from there. This will most likely be a solo trip and I’m somewhat nervous about doing everything on my own ie: getting around, lodging arrangements, not speaking French, etc. Any tips, suggestions? What should I skip and not miss? I generally don’t like tourist traps which is also why I am not going in the summer. TIA!

    • HouLaw

      I found Paris to be a surprisingly friendly place for non-French speakers. All of the hotel and restaurant staff I encountered there were very friendly and helpful. Also, for lodging, I use trip advisor to pick the place I stayed and then booked directly on the hotel s1te, which had an English option.

      Skip Versailles if you’re not into tourist traps. Or stick to the outside gardens. My Versailles experience left such a bad taste in my mouth, and it was such a letdown. The only rude French person I met the entire time was a French woman with two children who cut in line in front of us in Versailles (2 hours into our wait) insisting that because she was French she had a right to cut the line. But really, for the most part, people were great!

      • Mirabelle

        Haha! Reminds me of a story of a friend who called the embassy inquiring about the possibility of getting a French passport (she was born in France, to immigrant parents) and was told in a snooty French accent “you are not French and you never will be!” before getting hung up on.

        • HouLaw

          Ha! I get it, I mean, I’m a Texan, I don’t exactly get to throw stones in glass houses.

        • Ha

          Yeah, the “surprisingly friendly” folks in Paris was not my experience at all. The rudest people ever. I would never go back. I agree that you can get by on English but you will get looks for not speaking or trying to speak French.

          Sorry to be such a downer, so many love Paris. But the people really tainted my impression of the city.

          • Anonymous

            I found everyone in Paris exactly as polite in NYC- perfectly acceptably.

    • VA Anon

      As mentioned above, you’ll get by with English in Paris. Make sure to spend time on both sides of the river.

    • Kate

      I rented an airBNB close to Montmartre, but a little further east so out of the tourist way. It was an excellent value. Even if you plan to eat out most meals (which you definitely should!) airBNB can be cheaper than hostel prices for a very nice space.

      The Louvre, honestly, can be very overwhelming. It’s expensive, huge, easy to get lost in and walk for miles, and all the “must-sees” are jammed with tourists. The Musee d’Orsay is a more manageable size, not as touristy and has Impressionists, which most people love.

      Everybody will tell you the area around the Canal St-Martin is the new hot area. It’s cool, but to me it’s Brooklyn in Paris. The architecture is more modern and there are breweries, etc. If you’re not dying to go there for some reason the Left Bank, Marais, Montmartre etc to me have more the feel of what people go to Paris for.

      Making reservations is restaurants is appreciated but you can do it day-of or even online in many cases. David Lebowitz’s blog has great restaurant recommendations and etiquette tips.

      If you’re up for a day trip out of Paris, Auvers-sur-Oise is where Van Gogh painted many of his greatest works and where he died. It’s charming and totally removed from the city.

      At night, at least in the summer, public parks with great views (Butte de Montmartre, Canal St Martin, Champ de Mars) fill up with young people chilling, flirting and playing guitars. Grab a bottle of wine and take in the scene.

      I’m so excited for you!

    • Ms B

      Check out David Lebovitz’s website or the “Paris Breakfasts” site for tips on Paris. That’s where I plan to start for my next trip back . . .

    • Anne Elliott

      I found Parisians to be polite when I visited two years ago. They were incredibly rude when we last visited in 2001.

      I’d pre book Versailles tickets. And visit the d’Orsay museum. And of course Eiffel and Arc de Triomphe.
      Maybe a trip to Giverny or Normandy? And visit Frederic Malle at Avenue Victor Hugo and buy all the perfumes!

  11. Olympic gymnastics

    Is it just me, or is it REALLY weird to watch Olympic gymnastics without a dominant Romanian team in the running (or even in the games at all)? So weird. The dynasty of my childhood is gone.

    • Gym mom

      Not just you. Totally weird.

      Although I am not really seeing any of the gymnastics anyway. Stupid NBC. Why should I have to subscribe to the USA channel to watch the NBC livestream? And their actual TV coverage is horrible. They have been showing entire early-round beach volleyball games and tons of swimming semifinals, but only showed about six routines out of each rotation in the gymnastics team final.

      • Anon

        NBC’s gymnastics coverage drives me crazy. They barely show any routines from non-US gymnasts, and the commentary is awful (apparently the only thing that matters in your routine is whether you fall off or stick the landing).

        • Gym mom

          The commentary on the livestream is different and way better–much more technical. At least, the 15 minutes of the livestream I was able to watch before the site demanded that I log in.

        • ELaw

          Ugh, their commentary in general is infuriating. The athletes are all such great sportsman, shaking hands after winning etc and the announcers just make up bullsh*t drama and pretend like they can’t stand each other or something to try to create a dumb “story”. Dislike, NBC, disfreakinglike.

      • Olympic gymnastics

        +1.

        I miss the days of yore when they showed full coverage of events. Now, it’s just the top 5 performers on each apparatus plus some woman you’ve never heard of from a non-gymnastics-dominant country, which either means (i) she is the dark horse champion or (ii) she fell spectacularly during her routine.

        • Sydney Bristow

          If you have a cable subscription, you can log in and watch the replays of the livestreams. The main livestream with commentary still doesn’t show everyone, but the commentary is much better. They’re great to point out how much respect all the gymnasts have for each other. There are also livestreams of each apparatus. There isn’t commentary but at least you can see everyone perform.

          They showed Svetlana Bogynskaya in the stands during qualifying and I was taken right back to the Olympic gymnastics I grew up watching. Memories!

          I feel like I haven’t seen many athlete profiles this year, especially not any from foreign athletes. The athlete profiles of the Romanian gymnasts back then really stick out in my mind. I loved those.

      • Digby

        If you get Canadian tv stations, check them out. We used to watch the Olympics on Canadian tv – much better commentary, far fewer of the tearjerker drama stories, more actual sports, a greater variety of sports – just better all around. And even the drama stories were better because they were mostly about Canadian athletes, whom we didn’t know.

        • Anonymous

          I’m in English Canada and I watch French Canada CBC for winter sports for the same reason

  12. HouLaw

    I’m loving that the Recent Threads of Interest sidebar includes this – “I’m in FL, and last night I had to wake up to go to the bathroom and a roach flew at my face.”

        • KT

          I just added two more, by popular demand, to the last thread. I had no idea people were so interested in the Bizare-ness of what i thought was a normal childhood.

  14. SO Anon for this

    I’m happily married in my late 30s with kids and am crazy about my husband. We are close and supportive and great friends and loving. My love language is touch, I love holding hands and touching (especially in neck area) and general cuddling.
    I have, however, never been much into s*x. I particularly dislike k*ssing because I dont like the sloppy wet feeling of tongue and the stubble/razor of chin and both together in the lip. Post-weaning my toddler I am not too into forepl&y either and my n*pples don’t like direct touch, it feels too intense. Same with any type of oral action (I give it, but am not into receiving it – too intense and sloppy wet). I HATE the wet tongue in the ear thing. Or most kinds of licking.
    Our frequency is about once a week and I’m fairly giving when I get the sense he wants it more often(so we’ll occasionally go twice a week). I get into it when we go for it, and it’s fairly pleasurable albeit for a short time.

    I’m not sure what my question is. Am I missing a whole aspect of life? Are there things I could be doing to enjoy myself more? Do I need to improve my technique or does he?
    I have had as many partners as I can count on the fingers of one hand, even if I was missing some fingers. I’ve had phases (newlywed, pregnancy, hormones) when I’ve had much more interest, so maybe I need to bring the spark back somehow.

      • Anonymous

        Better yet, invest in a toy that you can plug in to re-charge. For real.

        Also, ask him to touch you more. Massages on the neck, light touches on the ears, maybe even brushing your hair.

        I’m a big fan of “if you want it, ask for it.”

  15. Anon for this

    I am posting a question that I posted this morning already for some additional thoughts: for those who practice family law, I have a hypothetical question for you. If X slept with Y and then X and his family moved far away from Y and then Y somehow found an e-mail address for X and asked him to confirm paternity of her to-be-born child, what would be the repercussions (not on a moral level, but on a legal level) if X simply ignored the request? Can a court compel X to come back and be subject to a test if the court has no personal jurisdiction?

    A few of you said that Y state would have jurisdiction since the activities took place in Y state. Fair enough. In that case, if X does not step back into Y state, how can the state compel a paternity test from an out-of-state person? Assume that X actually does not believe he is the father and that Y is simply doing this as a way of trying to get back at X and to break-up X’s marriage. Does X need to subject himself to a paternity test simply because Y has reached out in this manner? What are the consequences if he does not?

    I am neither Y nor Mrs. X, but I am advising someone (I care about deeply) on this issue and am trying to get a non-biased answer from the smart women who are on this board. Again, please leave moral castigations and snickering aside – this is a serious issue, nobody is perfect, and I would appreciate helpful advice, not schadenfreude.

    • Anonymous

      You should probably stop advising them because you’re not understanding jurisdiction at all. We don’t have tag jurisdiction as the only basis any more? He did the act in the state? Moving out of state in no way gets you out of child support?

      Yes, X should. If X doesn’t, Y can sue and will win. And X will be a giant raging tool.

      • Anon for this

        Thank you for your response. If Y sues and wins a default judgment, practically speaking, how is that judgment enforced on an out-of-state person? Can X choose to wait until the other potential dad(s) (who are located in Y state) submit to their paternity tests first?

        • Anonymous

          He should really hire a lawyer if he’s going to play this game. If she establishes paternity, his wages can be garnished for child support, she can enforce the judgment for a paternity test in his state, he could be held in contempt if he refuses.

          • Anonymous

            None of which is legal advice- just a reasonable thing that could happen. If he wants to not do this hiring a family lawyer is essential. And he’s a jerk.

          • Anon for this

            Okay, good to know. Would you suggest hiring a family lawyer in X state or Y state then? And yes, I will stipulate that he is a jerk.

        • Jules

          X needs to see a family law attorney in his home state about the specific practical aspects of this issue, but in my non-specialist understanding a paternity test and child support order can be enforced against an out-of-state resident. And why would X be permitted to “wait until the other potential dad(s) are tested?” What if he or they try to make the same demand to wait.

          This is not being judgey or snarky, but I agree with the other posters – if X had sex with a woman who had a child more or less 9 months later, he has to deal with the potential consequences. If X’s position is that he did not have sex with her, it might – but only might – be different. He needs to talk to an actual lawyer where he lives.

          And you’re getting comments you perceive as judgey because you’re suggesting the mother “is simply doing this as a way of trying to get back at X and to break-up X’s marriage.” If X had sex with someone other than his spouse, he shouldn’t blame that person for the impact on his marriage.

        • full of ideas

          most states have adopted legislation that requires states to enforce out of state child support orders

    • Anonymous

      Also, did X have sex with Y? Around the time she got pregnant? Then sorry but he has no basis to just up and decide he can’t be the father.

      Tell X yes, when you cheat on your wife you might get caught. Honestly.

      • Anonymous

        And also taking the test is a cheek swab. Much more discreet than a paternity suit.

        • Anon for this

          Okay, I had no idea. I thought X had to provide another kind of sample. I agree that X may have no principled basis for ignoring the request, but X and family are going through a *very* stressful time and even a short-term delay would be helpful for X. Mrs. X is quite aware of the cheating and is punishing X quite severely for it.

          • Anonymous

            Good for her. I don’t give a rats tush, he might have a child. He needs to man up and do the right thing.

          • Jules

            Um, what? You thought he had to maybe give a s*men sample? It’s a DNA test, a cheek swab. Honestly, he needs to see a lawyer and you should step out of the conversation.

          • Anon for this

            Right, I did not know it was that simple. I will advise him to see a lawyer.

          • Anonymous

            Really, any amount of googling would have told you that.
            Really, you don’t have a clue.
            Really, you’re way over involved.

    • Anonny

      So your husband had a love child and you’re trying to help him avoiding taking responsibility? You are as bad as he is. Birds of a feather I suppose

      • Anon for this

        No, that’s not the case at all. Mrs. X does not know about the request for paternity. X made a huge mistake but is extremely contrite and wants to save his marriage and this may unravel some of the progress they have made. At the same time, X is being subject to domestic abuse (yes, I have proof) but refuses to do anything about it for fear that Y will leave him.

        • Anonymous

          Waaaaait what!?! X and Y are still together and Y is abusing him? This story just gets weirder and weirder. I thought he had left Y and gone back to Mrs. X.

          • Anon for this

            Sorry, X is still with Mrs. X. I meant that Mrs. X is abusing X – black eyes, stitches, etc.

          • Anonymous

            But if the wife is abusive, why are you trying to help them preserve the marriage? If he’s cheating on her and she’s hitting him, it sounds like these two people would both be much better off apart.

        • Anonny

          Well in response to the state of the lawyer you said “I will do that” as in you will hire the lawyer.

          • Anonymous

            I think it might be her son actually. Makes sense that a mama’s boy of this level would mess around on his wife and then not want to take responsiblity.

          • Anon for this

            Yes, I’m still reading this. I meant that I will suggest that X hire a lawyer in X’s state.

        • Anonymous

          Cry me a river about your contrite brother. If he lied to his wife about sleeping with someone else he can certainly lie and not mention the DNA test.

          • Anonny

            Abusive Mistress? This story is just so bad. Trying to make excuses for such a scummy man.

          • Anon for this

            Abusive wife. I’m not making excuses for X – X is a grown adult. Please people – are any of you in an extended family/close friends situation where you are the *only* attorney people know and people come to you for advice and you are trying to be helpful/sympathetic? Man, I really don’t need to justify asking a question here when I have helped many of you with random questions about whatever daily for years. I don’t practice family law and I know there are people here who do.

          • Anonny

            You are trying to help someone avoid paternity and child support. There is a difference between helping and doing something unethical and possibly illegal. Plus why would you want to do that to another woman?

          • Anonymous

            If you really want to help your family member, the best thing you can do is advise him to get a family lawyer. Trying to practice a kind of law you know nothing about based on the advice of some people on the internet is not the solution.

  16. Erin

    “Does X need to subject himself to a paternity test simply because Y has reached out in this manner?”

    No.

    X needs to subject himself to a paternity test simply because he slept with Y. I imagine you are female; out yourself in the shoes of someone like Y and ask what a fair result would be. Black letter civil procedure often supports that.

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