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Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Feline Peplum Cardigan

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. This lovely peplum cardigan from Hugo Boss has been around for years — it's really become a bestseller of theirs — but we've never featured it by itself. Nordstrom has it in gray and “tropical blossom” (a pastel orange-y shade), and Bloomingdale's has it in navy as well. I really like the fitted shape and the single-hook closure, and in general I like the wool/nylon/elastane blend for a cardigan. I think it looks sophisticated and also flattering for work. The cardigan is available in sizes XS-XL and is $255. Feline Peplum Cardigan Here's a peplum cardigan from Classiques Entier with a slightly lower price. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support! Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 12.3.24 (lots of Cyber Monday deals extended, usually until 12/3 at midnight)

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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321 Comments

  1. Ladies, I asked this question late yesterday and got some great responses, so thank you! But I was hoping to get a few more ideas. I’m planning a trip to NE this fall; early October. I’d like to spend 2-3 nights somewhere quaint but with lots to do, then 2-3 nights in Boston. Someone yesterday (thank you!) recommended 1 night in Portland, Maine, 1 night in Bar Harbor and 1 night in Damariscotta, but that seems like a lot of work. I’m not committed to Maine at all, but taking the train to Boston sounds fun. I’m willing to do NH or Vermont. Any suggestions? I know I need to get hotel rooms reserved yesterday. Thank you!!

    3. I’d fly into Boston, rent a car at Logan, and drive up to Bar Harbor for three nights. Then drive back to Boston, drop the car off, and spend 3 nights in the city. You absolutely need a car for Maine. Bar Harbor is a great base to explore.

      1. +1. Be aware that Boston to Bar Harbor is a 5 hr drive, but I loooooooove Acadia in the fall.

      2. Maine is beautiful and Bar Harbor is gorgeous and a great base – but it’s not a short drive from Boston (although we did it last summer and traffic was horrid – maybe it’s better this time of year). You can hike, swim in the lake (might be chilly) and get the seaside town vibe.
        Portland, Maine is fun for a few days – cute downtown, nice shops and restaurants. Cape Elizabeth is a nice beach. We also enjoyed Popham Beach – huge, feels very remote (but it’s a national park so you have to pay). I would prefer Maine to Lake Placid, but I like the ocean – New Hampshire is gorgeous in the fall if you like hiking and mountains. I like the Wolfeboro area.

      3. +1. Bar Harbor/Acadia is the best part of New England, imo. One night there isn’t really enough to see anything, but you can get a good overview of the area in three nights and early October is BEAUTIFUL there – total fall foliage splendor. It’s off season too so you can get nice deals on hotels and it won’t be terribly crowded. The drive from Boston is long (5.5 hours without traffic) but it’s very scenic and, at least for one direction, you can make a day of it – stop in Portland for food, stop in the scenic small towns along the way for photo ops, etc. Try to avoid going up from Boston on Friday afternoon/Saturday morning or back on Sunday, as that tends to be when there’s the most traffic, although it’s definitely not as bad in October as it would be in July or August.

        1. I would second Bar Harbor/Acadia. I went there for a wedding in early October and it was GORGEOUS and adorable. Just one note on the crowds –I think Columbus Day can be crowded due to the three day weekend, and I think the Mt Desert marathon is usually in October at some point and that can fill up the island. Just make sure to plan in advance/around those dates.

    4. How about Portsmouth, NH? It was featured by Nat Geo as America’s best small town last year. Quaint but hip, overflowing with unique shops, restaurants, natural beauty, entertainment, and places to stay. Only an hour from Boston.

    5. What’s your preference – amenities + cute town with things to do (Newport, Portland, Portsmouth) or gorgeous scenery/nature-centric with some, but limited, amenities?

      If the former, any of those towns work and you could do Portland/Portsmouth in the same trip as 3 nights in Boston. If the latter, you could still do 3 nights in Boston but need to drive a couple hours further up the coast of Maine to Bar Harbor/Acadia.

      In all scenarios, you need a car. There is the Amtrak Downeaster train, but promise me when I say: you need a car.

    6. Okay, so Boston to Portland is a 90 minute train ride or drive. It’s lovely and not bad at all. Boston to Bar Harbor is more like a 5-6 hour drive which is quite long.

      Kind of the classic ‘Maine Coast in Fall’ itinerary is this:

      Drive from Boston up I-95 to Bar Harbor. 2 nights in Bar Harbor, then Damariscotta/Boothbay Harbor, then Portland, then York/Ogunquit, then back to Boston.

      I personally would suggest just doing Portland for a few days. It’s a really nice town.

      1. Thanks all for the suggestions. I don’t like the idea of a 5 hour drive from Boston. I want the hubby to be able to enjoy the scenery and not worry about driving. So I thought we’d fly into Portland, Maine, rent a car for 3 days, then take the train to Boston, fly home from Logan. Is 3 nights too many in Bar Harbor? Looking at the Bar Harbor Inn for the views. We’re not hikers, but will definitely go into Acadia. Looking for quaint towns where we can just see where the day takes us.

        1. I got married at the Bar Harbor Inn! :) It’s a nice hotel and the views from the balcony rooms are outstanding, although I think the high season rates for those rooms ($350+ last I checked) are a little misaligned with the quality of the hotel. It’s clean and comfortable and very well located, but it’s more of a charming old NE inn than a posh luxury hotel like a Four Seasons. But if you can get a better deal in the off season, which you probably can, then I say go for it! We stayed there once in October and I think it was around $200 for the balcony rooms – definitely worth it at that price.
          Even if you don’t stay there, they have a restaurant, The Terrace Grill, that has very good food and beautiful water views. It serves the same food as their fancy indoor dining room but at cheaper prices.
          A couple days in Portland plus two-three days in Bar Harbor would be an outstanding trip.

        2. I think 2 days is enough if you don’t plan on doing much hiking. One day for Acadia and one day for exploring the town. There’s neat stuff like the Atlantic Brewing microbrewery, which makes blueberry ale!

      2. What about goieng to Manchester by the Sea? I just saw the movie and think it would be NICE in the summer. It is not to far from Boston, so you could also go there if you get bored with the nauticeal feeling they have there. I would NOT want Sheketovits to see that movie b/c he is already a drinker, and drinking is what got everyone into troubel there. A very good movie, and I love Michelle Williams for many years.

    8. We do TV with my 4-year-old while my 2-year-old naps on weekends — maybe 30 minutes or an hour each day. That’s pretty much it, unless you count skype and facetime, looking stuff up on the phone, and looking at family pictures on the phone (toddlers always want to see pictures of themselves!).

      I highly recommend Mighty Machines on Netflix. It is slow and simple, and explains how different machines do their work. It is actually sort of interesting to me, fun for my machine-obsessed child, and a nice antidote to the flashy cartoons I feel are going to give my kid an epileptic seizure.

      2. Cartoons aren’t going to give a healthy kid a seizure. Epilepsy is a serious illness, not a joke.

        1. I think we are sophisticated enough to appreciate the sensory overload implication, as well as appreciate the implied reference to the Japanese cartoons that actually DID causes seizures in healthy kids not otherwise known to be predisposed to seizures.

          Relax…

      3. My son is 10 now but OMG he LOVED Mighy Machines!

        We still pronounce asphalt ASHphault and giggle.

    9. I agree that Bar Harbor is ahhmazing, but it’s a long drive from Boston for a shorter trip. Another option could be Burlington, Vermont – LOVE this city and it’s perfect if you’re a fan of microbrews. It’s right on Lake Champlain too.

    1. Rooibos tea. It’s a South African herbal tea sometime called “red tea.” I’m typically a black tea devotee (apologies for the pun), but Rooibos has a really nice flavor that isn’t too bitter and doesn’t require much sweetener. Also, no caffeine, which is a plus for me. I think the tea is usually prepared hot, but I use it for iced tea all summer long. There’s a Twinings-brand Rooibos at my grocery store, but you could probably find it cheaper on Amazon.

      1. I buy looseleaf mango roibos and it is delicious as iced tea! I also like white tea iced.

    3. Standard peppermint herbal. Esp if you have a clear glass jug for sun tea. My grandmother would make it all the time, and since mint has a cooling effect, it really hits the spot.

    4. I like mixing lemon zinger and raspberry zinger together and drinking it unsweetened.

    5. I feel like this isn’t cool enough for some of the tea experts here, but I love the Tazo iced passion tea that I get at Target. They sell boxes of giant tea bags meant for pitchers, so it’s super easy. Sometimes, I top off the last inch of the pitcher with lemonade to add a tiny bit of sweetness (otherwise, I don’t add sugar to my iced tea).

      1. I just Tazo refresh mint for iced tea. Maybe it’s not “high brow” enough but I love it.

      2. haha yup i’m obsessed with the tazo green lemongrass iced tea, I don’t care how uncool it is.

      3. Love their passion tea – the passion tea lemonade is a go-to at Starbucks when I want something caffeine free.

    7. 2 bags of celestial seasons peppermint tea and 2 bags of red zinger tea in a 1/2 gallon pitcher. I use cold water and let it “brew” in the refrigerator for a couple of hours

        1. I really like Irish Breakfast tea for iced tea. I like my black teas robust and deep, so YMMV.

        2. I’ll make a pitcher of plain black tea and dress it up with various flavors. Lemon is a classic (you can go full Arnold Palmer or just do slices), but I also love adding fresh mint or fruit syrups. Raspberry, blackberry, and strawberry are my favorites.

        4. Yes! I love a lipton w/ heavy lemon and mint from the garden – sweeten to taste in the glass. East coast favorite.

    8. Tropical green from Capital Teas. I’m pretty snobby about my tea, and most of their flavors are too fruity to really be called tea, but for iced they’re great.

    9. Probably not what you had in mind, but I home-brew Kombucha using a green tea base and then flavor it with lots of summer-y flavors – lemon basil, pomegranate, strawberry, grapefruit, etc…

      1. How do you home-brew Kombucha? DD wants it at her grad party and yowza it is expensive. I’d love to do it myself if it’s not too difficult.

        1. It’s pretty easy, but it does take a couple weeks. You brew tea, add a bunch of sugar, plop in a SCOBY (which you have to get from someone else who brews kombucha), let it ferment for a couple weeks, then bottle it with whatever flavors you want and let the flavors steep while it carbonates. Refrigerate after it’s reached the desired carbonation to avoid bottle bombs. There are lots of clearer and more detailed descriptions to follow online, but that’s the gist of it.

          I’m assuming you don’t have a couple weeks, though.

    11. I used to do a lot of Celestial Seasonings flavor, especially black cherry. I’ve read that the acidity in many herbal teas are terrible for your teeth, so I’ve stopped. Plain black tea is supposed to be good for your teeth, unlike most teas, but it does stain.

    12. Celestial Seasonings Cinnamon Apple. Iced it once and am now in love. Cuts my sugar craving too.

  3. Currently reading “Glow Kids: How Screen Addiction Is Hijacking Our Kids-and How to Break the Trance” and its terrifying me. Anyone else read it? Thoughts on tech and children?

    1. If it were solely up to me, I’d take a hammer to all screens in our house, starting with the smallest ones first. I may do it eventually — I wouldn’t be OK with my kids (6 and 8 now) smoking even a little bit and if I found cigarettes or pills or anything else bad for them, I’d flush or burn it.

      Unfortunately, the whole gadgets and screens thing falls into the booze category for me of something you have to learn to live with in moderation, so an outright prohibition is probably not the best answer rather moderation, involvement, and lots of Other Better-For-You things.

      IDK, what does the book suggest is the answer?

    2. I haven’t read this, but as a parent, it’s a struggle to balance what is the right amount of screen exposure.
      The way we get information has changed so much as we have moved away from printed books. I still try to model reading physical books to my child because otherwise he thinks I am just playing games or randomly surfing sites on my ipad (often guilty). On the other hand, no one does research in an encyclopedia anymore so we have to adapt when helping him find answers to things.
      His behavior tends to degrade if we’ve been lax on limits for tv and kindle time. We are still wrestling with how to find the right amount.

      1. Agreed. We are strict with the amount of TV time we allow, and the type of shows (almost entirely PBS kids stuff). But – we do allow it, and allow more under certain circumstances. I’m sorry, but you try to get a 2 yr old to sit still for a nebulizer treatment without TV, or to entertain them in a hospital bed with IVs in or during the recovery time after surgery without screen time. I refuse to beat myself up about that stuff – ditto for the 15 minutes of TV time he gets in the morning so I can brush teeth/slap on makeup/dry my hair.
        There is a different between a child watching a set amount of educational TV in a room with an adult who can engage/answer questions, and handing a small kid an ipad to entertain themselves so you can disconnect. And really, if you need them to watch 30 minutes of TV so you can get dinner on the table, I’m pretty sure your kids will survive. I definitely watched A LOT of TV as a kid (as did my husband) and somehow we’re still productive members of society.

        1. A lot of kids’ TV today is different than it was back then. PBS is probably still true to form, but a lot of these flashy, quick moving cartoons actually affect kids’ brains.

          1. Agree.

            I think that some TV shows are no better than video games. The pace is the sort of thing that makes me feel like I need a ritalin or something to wind down. It’s definitely an upper-sort of feeling that I have, of being in an isolation whirlwind. [Or, from my metronome, it is PRESTOPRESTOPRESTO all the time.]

            Watching the coyote try to drop an anvil on the roadrunner seems tame in comparison.

          2. Exactly! Even Sesame Street is now a half hour instead of an hour because it’s not flashy and whizz bang enough for kids. Mister Rodgers wouldn’t make it past one season with the flashy competition.

          3. Hard disagree on the Looney Tunes/Warner Bros classics. That stuff seems RIDICULOUS in comparison to Word Girl or even Bubble Guppies. (Anything Disney channel with live action role model brats is a different story. Once we realized that Liv and Maddie were to blame for my then 5-y/o’s sass, we got rid of that channel.)

            My SO is a 40-year old twitter addict – it’s not just children’s brains. Someone used the phrase “dopamine pump” the other day.

          4. We don’t have ipads in our house and kids don’t play with phones, but we use Netflix when we watch a show. They have old Mr. Rogers on there! It is actually entrancing. There is something magical about Mr. Rogers. The kids get really quiet. :)

    3. We try to model reading a physical newspaper and physical books – sort of like sharing what we are doing without directly engaging them.

      I find the kids are better (less fighting about screen time) when the rules are strict and consistent. They begged a lot more when I was wishy washy and flexible.

      We’re on the low end of screen time here and then I go and visit my European in-laws and feel like I’m way to indulgent with the screen time.

      1. And don’t be like my sister who let her kid take his iPad to the pool/beach during the Mexico family vacation. Like WTF?

        1. We still don’t let our kids have any real screen time (4 and 2) except that we’ll show them videos sometimes. But no TV shows or You Tube Kids or games or anything like that. Sometimes I think they’ll be behind (especially my four year old) because I know she would be learning more that way, but then I think, she’ll catch up. I hear that screen time worsens empathy, social skills, etc., so we’re just going to keep this no-TV thing going as long as we can. But man do people feel judged even when I say it in a totally non-judgmental way! They get very defensive.

          2. I don’t know. She would probably know more letters and numbers, etc., if she watched more PBS. But my husband reminds me over and over that she’ll catch up.

          3. She wouldn’t learn more. There was just a study published showing that screen time in toddlers is linked to speech delays. Reading books and having conversations with adults will help her learn just fine.

        2. I can’t stand it when people do that! Or give them to them at restaurants. You have to teach your kids how to behave!

          1. I love it. You wanna use tech to keep your kid from bugging the whole restaurant at dinner? Thank you.

          2. But what does teaching your kid how to behave entail? Are coloring sheets/ reading a book/ playing a quiet game like hangman acceptable? The child still isn’t interacting with the people at the table and making conversation. But, they are sittting quietly and not bothering people around them. I think that handing the kid a phone is an extension of that but we tend to feel more strongly because it feels like a slippery slope. In a perfect world, none of us should be pulling out our phones at the table and yet, here we are.

          3. I have a tiny magnetic travel chess set. And my kids have used it in two bar / restaurants so far. Does that make me a good parent or a really awful one?

          4. Coloring and hangman are totally different. That’s what my brother and I used to do and it was social. We would make up different games, play with our grandma, and still be engaged with the other diners if someone asked a question. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to catch the attention of a kid glued to the iPad, but it can be damn near impossible.

          5. I can’t stand hearing some cartoon blaring from the next table while I am trying to eat. If you’re going to give your kid an iPad, give him or her headphones or earbuds too.

          6. OMG the no head phones. I was on a flight recently where the fully grown adults on either side of me were both watching videos on their phones/tablets with no headphones. Not ok.

          7. When I was a kid, behaving properly meant sitting quietly being bored out of my mind for hours while the adults talked about adult stuff. And, before you tell me that obviously a 6-year old should have something insightful to say about the synergies of that merger or whether the neighbor is having an affair, no, the conversation was not something I, could or was expected to engage in. It was so painful. I despised going out to eat for a long time. When I was finally forced to go to business dinners, I had terrible anxiety that I would, once again, just be sitting there being invisible while people talked about things I didn’t understand. I really urge you to reconsider this notion that forcing young children to sit quietly in an uncomfortable chair for hours with zero entertainment or interaction is somehow beneficial to them.

          9. Right but there’s a space between child sitting silently staring at wall and child with headphones and Ipad and zero interaction. In both cases are parents could be engaging with the child by drawing them a picture to color or playing I Spy or talking to them about their day.

            And I’m aware that sometimes an Ipad is a necessary management tool for things like autism but we all have family or friends for whom that is not the case. I end up spending less time with my sister’s kids because she cannot seem to parent without an Ipad and it’s a constant argument with my own kids why they can’t have an ipad glued to their hand when their cousin does.

          10. Tribble, are you me? I hated going to fancy places as a kid. I wanted kids’ menus with food I could eat, menus I could color, and animatronic moose heads singing songs (okay that was only one place but I loved it!). But you either avoid taking your kids there, knowing they might not act well when bored, or frustrated that there’s nothing on the menu they’d want to eat, or you bring them but also being a coloring/activity book.

          11. Agreed with your last sentence: the worst is when we have family vacations with the screen-addict side of the family. The cousins won’t play with each other b/c 50% of them won’t get off the screen. Why did we rent that expensive beachfront rental when we could be at a motel 6 inland (or at home even) since they only looked at the screens anyway?

          12. Tribble, I had a similar experience as you when I was a kid–we’d go to restaurants, and I’d be expected to let the adults talk. That experience has influenced my parenting. Kiddo is a small human, and if he’s invited to the table, he’s entitled to be part of the conversation. He’s 2, and that means the conversation is not always excellent, but he’ll learn social skills by interacting with people around him, not just from the absence of a screen. Admittedly, we don’t go out to eat very often (tight budget), but I use this approach at home too.

          13. I used to feel that way.

            And then … my easy baby grew into a toddler. Here, watch Finding Dory on my phone for 10 minutes while I finish eating.

            My grandparents used to let me bring in my Game Boy, or a book, to play or read once I was finished eating. It’s no different, and it is 10 minutes so I can chew instead of inhale the rest of my dinner. Win.

      2. Can you speak more about how your European in-laws handle screen time? I’ve heard there are differences in the approaches (in general terms, of course) and I would be curious to see what that actually looks like.

        1. They don’t turn on the television when the kids are around (just in the evening themselves). Only one tv in house and one IPad. Zero iPad use by kids as well. They do Facetime or Skype or G Hangout with us a lot so their kids can interaction with ours. They have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. We asked for recommendations from friends and family members for dvds to get our kids to help them learn my DH’s family’s language – like one family had suggestions. Everyone else said their kids didn’t watch any so they didn’t know.

          They almost always have music playing in the house. Very few battery operated toys. In Laws are probably on the stricter end but when I’ve been browsing at toy stores there, it’s a lot less battery operated and electronic stuff – lots more trains/Lego/Books/puzzles. They also don’t start formal schooling until age 6 or 7 so much less emphasis on ‘learning’ stuff. Outdoor free play is seen as super important. Like it rained the whole first week of our vacation last year and we were outside all day everyday with the kids – I need a drink just thinking about it.

          1. I love this. My MIL will only get battery operated toys, as the toys I suggest/purchase are “too quiet, he needs noise!” Shockingly, most of MIL’s toys are stored pretty high up on the shelves…

    4. I haven’t read it but we allow zero screen time for our young kids, ages 3 and 5. That means no TV, no iPad, no phone, etc. Very occasionally we will Skype with family so they do look at the screen then.

      I’m really thrilled that we were super strict about this from the get go, and even my obsessed with TV husband agrees (he only watches TV after kids are in bed, at night). My kids love the outdoors, love books, and are not even curious about the TV. When I see kids on the screen in the beautiful sunshine or at the pool or wherever it just makes me feel really sad. I can see some benefit maybe when the kids are much older, but at this young age there is no reason to be on a screen.

      1. If I got to change anything about my husband and inlaws, it would be their total willingness to put a kid in front of a screen so that they can have their own screen time. They think I am cruel to deny them the chance to wreck their posture / eyesight / social skills / rest of their lives with unlimited self-serve screen time. They should also have sprite at every meal and unlimited deserts (never mind the Type II diabetes in childhood, we’ll soothe that with . . . more screen time!).

        I still shamelessly read the newspaper every morning on paper.

        We have a lot of Rick Steves travel videos and I will play them in a car for the part of any car trip that is over 2 hours long (the first two hours you have to tough it out). I’ve heard him talk about so many lovely places but haven’t seen what they look like.

        1. Rick Steves videos are a great idea! I don’t do any screen time right now (except FaceTime and a two-minute video of a sumo wrestler or an excavator a few times a week, based on their current interests) but what I’m really against is the flashy, quick moving, etc. kids’ shows that are actually affect their brains. Rick Steves would be perfect.

      2. Blah. I find these statements so self-serving and congratulatory — and they can apply to anything (food the kids eat, working parents, etc.) I’m really happy that you and the Anonymous and other families have found rules for screen time that work well for you. That’s great that your kids are happy and thriving. Good on you. But the “it makes me so sad” comments just get a huge eyeroll from me, as well as statements like “there is just no reason to be on a screen at this young age.” Or that any screen time will lead to the horrible health ailments discussed above. I can understand being frustrated with in-laws that don’t respect your limits, but you have no idea what other families are experiencing and why they set the limits they do. I could list out a bunch of reasons why some families use screen time, but it’s kind of irrelevant. Good for you, not for me. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

        1. We have one child with ADHD and having her have any screen time makes her behavior a million times worse — the manners go away, the behavior towards others. It is so awful. Having her outside playing and running around is like peace for her soul. Having her on a gadget is like giving her crack. She 100% cannot handle even 15 minutes of it b/c it leads to 15 minutes of drama when the time is up.

          1. I completely understand why you set the rules you did, and why it makes sense that you get so frustrated with folks who don’t respect your limits. On the other hand, I struggled mightily with PPD/PPA after my second was born. When I felt my anxiety escalating during my maternity leave, and did not want to yell at my 2.5 year old, I would put on a TV show for him and meditate or hit the treadmill. My therapist and pediatrician fully endorsed it. And it was exactly what we all needed — Curious George and Little Einsteins saved my sanity and kept me from taking out my frustrations on my son. He is now a thriving, happy 8 yr old who also loves to be outdoors and loves to read. Thus, I bristle at blanket statements like “at this young age there is no reason to be on a screen,” just like I’m sure you’d bristle if someone told you “a little TV won’t hurt any kid!”

          2. And nothing Anon@9:51 said negates any of that. She specifically said she was happy for Two Cents’ family finding rules that work for them but criticized the tone of the comment. And I agree that, when it comes to discussions on parenting, there’s no reason for judgmental asides like “it makes me so sad when…” or suggestions that other people’s choices will “wreck their [children’s] posture / eyesight / social skills / rest of their lives.” Good for you, not for me.

          3. But science actually supports that it wrecks kids’ posture, eyesight, social skills, empathy, etc.

          4. To Anonymous at 10:32, sure – science has shown that to be the case under certain conditions.
            And maybe for some kids, the effects are felt more strongly. But, I’m having a hard time with you repeatedly saying that any TV will wreck social skills or ability to show empathy, when you seem to be unable to emphasize with why other families may not have the same experience with screen time as yours does.

          5. Obviously I emphasize with the overwhelmed kid with autism who needs screen time to calm down. That’s not what I’m talking about here.

          6. Anonymous @ 10:57, if what you are talking about is that I dealt with my PPD/PPA by giving my kid 30 mins to an hour of TV a day, then shame on you, and may you never feel what I felt.

            I’m tempted to add that 6 years later, my kid doesn’t need glasses, ADD meds, has ramrod straight posture, and is a social butterfly, but that just feels petty.

          7. Gah, can we not be so defensive? Clearly PPD is different. If you have a special reason for you or your kids, then go for it. I’m just talking about normal kids. This is a huge problem in society, they don’t all have moms with PPD and they don’t all have autism, but we just can’t talk about it lest someone gets offended.

        2. I totally agree.

          My son has autism and sometimes the ipad is just a necessary investment in a quiet life. We almost never use it at restaurants but it is an item in the toolbox and I would not hesitate to bring it out if he needs to disconnect from a world that is overwhelming him. If seeing my son use an ipad makes someone “feel sad”, well, I will just have to learn to live with their disappointment.

        3. I agree! Moral handwringing over someone else’s kids watching TV, playing video games, eating junk food, or whatever else just seems . . . not cool. You’re seeing a kid looking at a tablet, you have no idea how much screen time that kid actually gets, how they normally play at home, or what they normally see when they look at a screen, so why assume the worst and get sad? Why do you need to have an opinion on everyone’s parenting style?

          1. But that’s like saying why should anyone having an opinion on anything? I can think my sister’s parenting style sucks because that impacts my kids when their cousin doesn’t want to build sand castles because he’d rather lie on the sun lounger and watch youtube videos.

          2. Sure you can have an opinion. But maybe your sister has the opinion that it’s not her responsibility or the responsibility of her kids to entertain your kid with sandcastle building.

            I don’t have a dog in this fight obviously. I just find it all so unnecessary. Do what works for your family. Let others do the same.

        4. This, times a million.

          We limit screen time in our house and always have. But please spare me the smug humblebrags about what an awesome parent and person you are. I haven’t read a paper newspaper in a decade or more. I borrow all my library books on my tablet. I haven’t bought or read a paper book that wasn’t a kids’ book in years. That does not make me, or people like me, less cool than you. My son reads ebooks on his tablet and plays games and watches videos, just like we do. He also reads paper books, plays board games, goes swimming and bike-riding and plays Need war with his friends. He’s a straight-A student reading three grade levels ahead, normal weight, participates in sports and activities, etc.

          Here’s some food for thought for those of you clutching your pearls and getting the vapors over kids using computers and tablets. My son started doing mandatory computer-based standardized testing last year, and also started using tablets in his classroom for a science curriculum where they would work on an activity and then input information into an app on the tablet that collected and analyzed data for them. All the kids with the “oh, we NEVER let our kids use electronics, the horror!” parents had no clue what to do. They had to be pulled out of testing to get a crash course in how to use a computer do they could do the tests, and had to get put in a special supervised group so they could learn to use the tablets. This is an intensely technological world, folks, and it’s only going to get worse from here. You want to swim against the tide and raise an analog kid in a digital world, that’s your choice. I hope you’re prepared for the academic and social consequences of that choice. My son is 11 and there’s already a marked difference between the kids who “get” technology and those who don’t. For those of you saying “there’s time for that when they’re older” – my son is going into 6th grade next year, and they told us at a parent meeting he will need to use a computer for all his assignments and the expectation is that he already knows how to type and use Microsoft Word, because they’ve worked on that in school this year. So “later” is basically “now” if your kid is 9 or above. Again, if you want to stick to your Luddite guns, feel free, but understand the world has different expectations.

          1. “But please spare me the smug humblebrags about what an awesome parent and person you are.”

            “Again, if you want to stick to your Luddite guns, feel free, but understand the world has different expectations.”

            So basically, don’t judge me but listen quietly while I judge you. Literally no one has said that a 9-11 year old doesn’t need a computer for school work. A 2/3/4/5 year old does not need to be on an Ipad for hours at a time.

          2. No one said small children need hours of screen time either. Reading is fundamental. And p.s., if your feelings are getting hurt by this conversation it’s probably time to move on to something else.

          3. “This is an intensely technological world, folks, and it’s only going to get worse from here. You want to swim against the tide and raise an analog kid in a digital world, that’s your choice. I hope you’re prepared for the academic and social consequences of that choice.”

            +1 to the whole post, but especially this.

          4. Yes, I’m the one with hurt feelings based on four lines of text. It’s not like I wrote huge paragraphs ranting about the issue…

        5. I agree with Anon’s “Blah.”

          If you are so anti-screen time, come babysit my very active toddler while I try to get dressed, and blow dry my hair, and pack us up in the morning. Because he used to hang out playing with toys in a playpen in our room, before he could climb out of it. Then we got through a couple months with him looking at books in the “big bed” while I got ready. And now, he climbs the bookshelves. He goes into my closet and takes all my clothes off the hangar. He takes out every toy, knocks over the lamps (not on purpose) and generally just goes joyriding. No combination of gates can keep him away from *everything* But, he’ll sit and watch Peppa Pig while I get ready.

          If your kid is quiet and inactive, awesome for you! It’s not your parenting. It’s the kid’s disposition. And mine is a strong, active toddler who loves to run and climb and put himself in danger. So, again, feel free to come watch him while I get myself ready after my husband leaves. And if you don’t have kids, just please.

          Also, for restaurants, “I teach my kid to behave,” is ALL the BS. Lessons are learned over time. There is plenty of research showing that toddlers can understand directions but not able to exercise self-restraint. It takes time. Do we need to stay home until his impulse control develops completely? Bring 50 books because each one takes him 5 second? Do you want to keep all the glasses, salt shakers, and flowers on your table so he doesn’t reach for them to explore?

          My kid is awesome. He loves books, he loves the outdoors, and he loves talking and singing and interacting and touching and climbing and exploring everything…which just doesn’t work well in restaurants, or on planes, or when I am preparing for my day. He’s not a zombie. He is generally well behaved but certain situations are very challenging. Save your judgment if a Kindle helps him control himself in crowded situations where we try very hard not to disturb others.

          3. Anonymous, I admire your efforts at raising well-mannered and compliant children. I hope your methods continue to work well for you.

            I will begin trying hard now, too.

          4. Says the anon who has no toddler. Impulse control does not develop until around age 3, or even 4, and even then – it takes a long time until kids have it together. It’s got nothing to do with “trying” – unless you’re one of those that thinks elimination communication is the only way to go, and anyone with an un potty trained 6 month old isn’t “trying very hard”?

            I’m not sitting home until my toddler is a 4 year old with impeccable manners.

          6. Totally agree AEK. LO reads a lot but a 12 minute Super Wings allows us to get dressed efficiently in the morning. At restaurants, we interact with LO but when he starts getting restless after he’s done eating, I have no issue with giving LO my phone to play educational games so I can finish my food.

        6. +1000

          We don’t do much screen time, but I’m so sick of the self righteous judgment on this topic directed at parents that do allow screen time. It’s nobody’s business.

      3. This is us, too, and I think it’s worth it for our family. In my experience, screen exposure causes my kids to have more tantrums than it solves. But I’m sure that’s not true of every kid, and I have zero judgment for people who make different choices for their family.

        On the restaurant thing, we pretty much don’t take our kids to restaurants (exceptions are the super-family-friendly brunch places where I know no one will raise an eyebrow at a meltdown). I’m actually find with that; I’d rather pay a babysitter and get a night out alone with my husband. But again, no judgment for those who choose differently. Unless the ipad doesn’t have headphones, then I judge.

    5. I haven’t read it, but I’ve been so shocked and saddened to see kids absolutely glued to iPads on airplanes, at restaurants, or anywhere you can imagine. They do not speak to each other, they do not learn how to talk to adults, they can’t sit quietly without the shiny, colorful distraction, and they get addicted to it (seriously). Smartphones only got invented when I was in college and I’m SO glad that they weren’t around when I was a kid. I find myself too addicted to it as an adult and I simply can’t imagine how bad the consequences would have been for my young brain if I had had access to it as a child. My parents were VERY strict about electronics time growing up (TV and family desktop computer) and I’m grateful for it. I spent my childhood playing outside, reading, playing board games, and doing crafts. There is no reason that children today can’t do the same and more.

      1. Ok, I get it re: restaurants, etc. But for little kids (not like, 8, 9 year olds): What do you propose to do with them on an airplane?

        I recently flew with my friend and her six year old. He’s not a baby, and won’t sleep on a plane. He’s able to read, but it was a cross-country flight. We played a few quiet games, (think tic tac toe, etc), he read a book, and then watched videos with our earphones in. He wasn’t plugged in the entire flight, but I don’t think I’d fault my friend if, during the flight, he was.

        He was quiet, he was engaged in an educational video. He wasn’t kicking the person in front of him. He’s capable of talking to adults in an appropriate way for a six year old. What’s the problem?

        1. The problem is that people, in their minds, think the world is the same as it was when they were kids, and are frightened and alarmed when confronted with tangible evidence that things are different now.

          The way we grew up was the way we grew up. These kids are growing up in a different world and a different time. But it’s easier to moan and groan with unspecific complaints than it is to adjust one’s thinking to accommodate new information. It’s easier to cling to the past than change to meet the challenges of the future. That’s the great tragedy of humanity, IMO.

          1. That is false. We’re proposing different ways to adapt to the modern world. Some think unlimited screentime for kids is a great thing and some think screentime with limits, or none at all, is better. The research only supports one of those positions – which do you think is best to “meet the challenges of the future”? You have control over which technological world your kids grow up in. Cartoons for toddlers are optional. iPad time is optional. Smartphones are optional. None of them are optimal.

          3. It’s so funny that you mention the research. Can you reference any research (not opinion piece) that shows that zero screen time is better than limited screen time after age 2?

            I agree, there is evidence that 7 hours of screen time a day is worse than (the American Paediatric Association recommendation of) 1 hour per day or less. But personally I haven’t seen any research that says that zero is better than limited. I would love to see the citation.

        2. I think children flew perfectly well for years without screentime at all, but what you’re describing is limited screen time – the child read a book and played games with his family in addition to some video time. That seems to be a lot different from what I see on planes where the iPad is shoved into the kid’s hand before take-off and taken away when it’s time to get off. About 50% of the time in my anecdotal experience, the child has watched blaring cartoons without headphones. I have no clue what is going through the parents’ heads when they allow that, but it doesn’t seem to be setting their child up for knowing how to handle different social situations well.

      2. Have you ever looked around on a plane? Overwhelmingly, the adults are not talking to other adults. They are listening to something in their headphones or staring at the TV, or an iPad, or a laptop. Flights seem like a clear example of just doing what you need to do to get your kid through it. Your judgment is exhausting.

        1. As someone who absolutely hates it when strangers try to talk to me on planes, I praise the Lord for phones, tablets and laptops.

        2. So much this. Starting around age 2, an iPad became the best way to entertain my child on a plane. Yes, I could carry on coloring books and crayons and real books or playdoh but (a) crayons and markers roll and get lost and cause my child to crawl on the floor under your seat, which I know you won’t like, and (b) books are heavy. And because kids books are short, you need about 20 to get through a flight. iPads while traveling are a special treat and if you don’t like me doing it, why don’t you entertain my child who doesn’t nap in a 2 foot space for 3 hours, m-kay?

          1. so because you want to lazy parent with an Ipad the only alternative is for strangers to entertain your kid? Either don’t take your kid or actually take care of them instead of using screens.

            Signed, 3 kids under 3 on a plane all the time with no iPad and no destruction, it’s called parenting, m-kay?

          2. You should just parent for all of us, since you so clearly are the best at it EVER.

            We travel a LOT with our 20 month old. We get on the plane, we start with coloring, go to books and toys (and window clings, those are great for planes), and then, when he’s had enough, we put on a Disney movie. I’m thankful to Lin Manuel Miranda for Moana, and it’s great soundtrack.

            Happy for you to feel I’m “lazy parenting” if that’s what gets you through your day. I’m going to get through my day, especially my travel day, with the least amount of stress possible.

      3. Please, please, please give your kid the ipad on the plane! Seriously? Flying is miserable. Do anything necessary to keep them calm and quiet.

        Signed,
        -Fellow traveler

        1. They are calm and quiet because I’m capable of keeping them well behaved and occupied without shoving a screen in their face.

    6. My kids are probably pre-wired to be screen addicts. In our city, kids get phones in middle school. I’m OK with a phone (it helps a working parent). I’m thinking of getting mine a Jitterbug phone to use as a phone only — they are the non-complicated ones they market for old people. I don’t want texting or a camera or internet. Are there other options? I had thought of an old-fashioned pager.

        1. Where do you get a dumbed-down phone?

          I have 3 old blackberries at home — maybe I could save them and then just turn on the phone part. Those things in an Otterbox are pretty indestructable.

          1. Yes, where do you get a dumb phone? I would love to give my kid a phone with calling and texting ability (preferably touchscreen so she doesn’t have to use the numeric keypad and will actually bother to text me) but no internet. Where do I get such a thing?

          2. You can still buy “dumb phones” at traditional cell-carrier stores (verizon, t-mobile, etc.) if you search for “Basic Phone.” Touch screen is harder since all of the dumb phones I’ve seen are flip phones, but at least the flip ones are pretty durable.

        2. I am willing to bet peer pressure will change the minds of most parents who say no smartphones until high school. Good luck.

    7. I’m moderate about it. I do a lot of solo parenting and it lets me have 10 minutes to get something done without my kid underfoot. We don’t spend hours watching TV, but I do let my kid watch a couple of nursery rhyme videos on youtube pretty much every day, and the occasional episode of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

      We never take screens to outdoor things like the pool or the beach and have only done screen time in restaurant a couple times when it’s taking an extremely long time to get our food. But I do allow it in moderation at home. I just sort of feel like it’s a part of our world that is unavoidable. My kid still loves going outside and reading books and stuff, so I think the amount of screen time we do is okay for us right now. If she were glued to it 24/7 that would be a problem.

      Once my kid is a little older, I plan on getting a torch router, which lets you turn off your kid’s internet access for certain time periods during the day. Sometime I think I should get it for myself.

      1. Also, I think that facetime is a miracle. My husband travels a lot for work and all of our extended family lives multiple states away. I grew up not knowing any of my extended family because our only interactions were once a year trips. Facetime lets my daughter talk to both her grandmothers and her aunt and cousins, who she would otherwise barely know. And it lets her see her papa when he is traveling. I think that is wonderful, and a feature of screen time that you can pry out of my cold, dead hands.

        Maybe this is not the kind of screen time the book talks about though, since it is interacting with an actual person?

        1. I count FaceTime as different. I’m one of the above who said no screen time for my kids, but we do FaceTime a few times a week with various family members. To me, I really try to avoid those kids’ shows that are just flashing lights and quick movements, etc.

        2. I don’t think Facetime/Skype is considered screen time for the purposes of these articles on limiting screentime. It’s basically a video phone call. We’re a low screen time family but we use lots of FaceTime and Skype with long-distance grandparents.

    8. We try to be moderate about screen time (just TV) for our 2-year-old. He very rarely gets screen time during the week because there’s not much time in our morning or evening routines, and he’s at daycare during the day. We’ll occasionally put a video on so Mom or Dad can get something done or because we’re both just wiped out from work, but probably only once or twice a month during the week. On the weekends, we make an effort to do activities and trips to the pool/park/zoo, and Kiddo also “helps” with chores and sometimes goes with us to Costco or the grocery store. But most weekends, he watches about 2 hours of TV spread out over the weekend, in the times when we’re unloading groceries or waiting to leave for the next activity or trying to have a conversation about our calendars, meal plans, etc for the week. It works for us.

      About a month ago, we found ourselves getting more lax about screen time after family vacation and some other events that disrupted our routine. Kiddo was requesting videos all the time, and his behavior was getting worse. We realized that he was watching way more TV than we were comfortable with and started saying “No” most of the time, especially during the week. He stopped asking after a few days, and we’re back to an amount that DH and I are comfortable with.

      1. I was thinking that my kids didn’t have enough time to pick up an instrument (but of course they have time for screen time).

        #screenhater

      1. We tried to limit that when our kids were little too. The problem is that other people give them to you, and then that’s what your kid wants to play with. We emphasized wooden toys but those got cast aside in favor of the flashy ones.

        1. My kids played with all of that stuff even though I never put batteries in them. Imagination-powered worked just fine :) Stuff that came with batteries never had them replaced once they wore out (and you can accellerate that by just puting something on a button and then putting the thing in the garage). Or just donating. All of that stuff breaks sooner or later (whoops! broke anther!).

      2. Try Ikea – they have great baby and kids stuff without all the noise and flashing lights.

      3. The lights and noise aren’t necessary at all. There are lots of companies out there making great baby toys with no electronics whatsoever. Fat Brain Toys was our go-to resource for that stuff when my son was a baby.

        1. Oh neat! I just looked at the Fat Brain s!te…and *I* actually want a bunch of those things…for me. But I am happy to buy them under the guise of “they’re for my kids!” For now :)

      4. We had zero light and noise making toys (beyond rattles) because I am very sensitive to noise. It was fine. Kid is 2 and still has no noise or light making toys, which makes me a much calmer mom. Seriously the rattles on his bouncy seat were overstimulating for him for months anyway. If you want to avoid it, you can. And I know some of my friends’ babies lo Ed that stuff and if it doesn’t bother you, great! I just hate noise.

      5. Real talk: kids will love those toys, but they are also super annoying. It’s up to you whether that’s a good tradeoff. We have no battery operated toys at all in our house (and our eldest is 4) because for me, it’s not. I don’t think they are bad for kids or anything, though.

  4. I need some basic short-sleeve T-shirts (semi-fitted ideal) to wear under blazers at a business casual job this summer. I’d love to find something with a bit of detail at the neck to make it look like more than a plain cotton shirt. Any ideas on where to find?

  5. I have my fifth year law school reunion coming up in June and I bought this dress to wear.

    https://www.lulus.com/products/like-a-lady-black-backless-midi-dress/254354.html

    I want to dress it up a bit more (from at least the front angle) but not sure what to try. I love jewelry and bright colors but don’t want to spend a ton of money. Would you suggest a long necklace? More of a collar/bib necklace? Really dramatic or long earrings? Would you go with a brightly-colored option like coral or turquoise or would you choose something metallic (the latter might be dressier)? Open to suggestions for shoes as well.

    If it matters when recommending colors or styles, I’m blonde, blue-eyed, tall and quite hourglass/curvy. Reunion is in a New England city.

    1. i feel like this dress is not meant to be dressed up. the back should speak for itself. i’d maybe do some statement earrings and some bangles on my arm but I wouldn’t put a necklace of any kind on this.

    2. What are you going to do with your hair? If it will be up or at least partially back, I’d go for a large statement earrings and maybe some bangles on your wrist.

  6. OMFG. Came in to work this morning to find an email from the husband of one of my husband’s former co-workers, basically accusing my husband and his wife of an affair. I would not be surprised if it were true, based on their time/activities together, but DH and I have a very trusting relationship so I wasn’t worried. My husband is in a SCIF all day, and won’t be home until around 8:00 PM, so even if I forward him the message he won’t see it until he’s in his car about to leave work, which doesn’t seem like a good time to see this type of email. Any suggestions for getting through the day?

      1. Sensitive Compartmented Information Facility (I did have to google that) — you can’t have your cell or access to personal email etc.

        For OP – trust but verify. Do as much digging as you can to be comfortable with your answers. Then print out the email and have a talk with your DH when he gets home at night.

    2. You wouldn’t be surprised if it were true yet you are also not worried?

      Close your door and do some snooping.

      1. I think OP means she hasn’t been worried about their time spent together . . . until this morning.

    3. Your 3rd sentence is…….. confusing…….

      Yes, I would call him now and forward it.

    4. Type a reply to the email: “You f*ck*ing lunatic” and so forth, but don’t send it.

      Take deep breaths throughout the day and chant: That Person’s problem isn’t mine. Remind yourself that a real problem would be your family in the hospital or something. Power through and discuss when husband arrives home. Don’t forward email onto him as it will affect him the way it affects you and what’s the point of that?

      2. Adding to this. Print off/download all account information (checking/savings/statments) as of this date that you have access to. Look at past records if you think they’ll be helpful. If you have a solo account linked to a joint, make sure it has some cash in it, since if things go horribly askew he can drain the joint account.

        If you have access to the home computer he uses. Copy the contents (you don’t have to snoop around unless you want to) If you have an automated back up, then just make sure you save the latest back up.

        None of these are strictly necessary. But the sanity planning for possible insanity will give your mind something to keep busy with.

    6. Don’t do anything now. You’ll make yourself crazy and you can’t un-send an email or delete a VM during the day.

      I agree with the person who says to power through and discuss when he gets home. If nothing else, by confronting him in person you’ll be able to gauge his reaction, as opposed to giving him time to prepare a defense/explanation.

      1. +1. If I wasn’t suspicious, I’d bring it up in person, with no prior contact from work, to keep it compassionate. If I was suspicious, I’d bring it up in person, with no warning, to see for myself how he reacted on the spot.

    7. I’m not trying to add fuel to the fire, because there can be plenty of valid reasons you heard otherwise, but I worked in SCIFs for 12 years, and you can absolutely access your personal email in there. They have unclassified machines in every SCIF I’ve ever set foot in, and personal email sites haven’t been blocked by the government in years. I’d message him and see what’s up. If the other spouse is lying, 8 pm is a long time to wait before starting to handle this.

      1. Interesting. I didn’t know that. Not only does DH work in a SCIF mostly, but my bosses visit SCIFs frequently for meetings and always say that they cannot be reached when inside. Not sure I’ll try to reach him during the day, but this is great info. Thanks,

        1. I could see how you could not be reachable if you were in and out for meetings (no cell phones, etc)
          — but if you are seated in a SCIF and have a desk, you are probably reachable by personal email. I have a couple friends who are still in that environment (oh, DC) and it feels a little old (er, outdated?) school to email back and forth. ;)

      2. I’m in a SCIF commenting on this forum as we speak. So you definitely can. That said, not everyone is allowed to access personal accounts. Depends on where you work.

      3. That may have been true in your SCIF, but is not true across the board. I have been in plenty of then with no unclass access, it depends on the project and sensitivity. Usually if you’re in a lab you would not have access, though you usually have a desk somewhere that you may not visit.

        1. I work in a place with SCIFs and the only way people can access their personal email is to leave the SCIF and go get their phone out of their car or a locker they can leave it in. Most people don’t bother or they’ll forget to check until the end of the day. However, they do have access to their work email (obvs). Can you send him an email that says “call me ASAP” without giving details?

      4. I think this may depend on the SCIF. Don’t assume he is lying if that is not your husbands experience

        1. Thanks. He told me no access, and since he has a clearance I didn’t bother to inquire further, base on my experience with my bosses.

          1. My husband has been a contractor to a project that was in a SCIF and I never had a way to reach him when he was in there, short of calling the department’s receptionist, which I wouldn’t have done unless it was a real, someone’s-gonna-die emergency.

        2. +1

          My H works in a SCIF and doesn’t have access to his personal email at work (or either his personal cell or work cell).

    8. Thanks all. By not surprised but not worried I mean that they spend a lot of time together on a hobby I am not interested in, and she is involved in a community group that both DH and I are involved in, so they have certainly had enough time to pursue and affair, but since DH and I both allow each other a long leash for opposite-sex friends, I didn’t equate their time together with an affair. Not sure if this makes more sense.

      I will talk to DH tonight and see what his says, and then perhaps follow up with the emailer and see what he says/has, and go from there.

      I also suspect that if the emailer and his wife have had a discussion, his wife may try to be in touch with DH today during the work day, and he may then call me independently.

      Ugh. I did not need this right now.

      1. Did the emailer say his wife confessed they had an affair or did the emailer say I suspect they were having an affair? My reaction to the two would be very different. Lots of people are crazy jealous and get suspicious over stupid things. If it was the latter, I wouldn’t want to make any snap decisions and I would want to hear my husband out. If it was the former, wife had confessed an affair, than I would assume it’s true and start contemplating whether I want to work through it with him or if it is a deal breaker. This is also something that need not be decided today.

          1. He didn’t mention a confession, only that “you probably know what we need to talk about”. As I said above, I am assuming that if she confessed she will be in touch with my DH at some point, and then he may be in touch with me. Assuming his SCIF is not as secure as he told me :-)

    9. Wait to talk to your husband until you get home. You want an honest first reaction from him, not something that has been practiced throughout the day.

      I agree with your plan to ask the emailer for more information. Maybe he has nothing but stupid, misogynistic, jealous suspicions, maybe he’s had a PI following them, you don’t know anything right now. Ask him to not tell his wife that he reached out to you until you’ve had a chance to talk to your husband.

      1. As someone who was accused of an affair with a married co-worker with absolutely no basis (on either a physical or emotional level – not only had we never touched each other beyond a few public hugs, we had never had a single conversation that could not have been heard by our mothers, spouses and priest without embarrassment), please don’t make assumptions. Fortunately my husband did not accuse me of anything. He just told me about the accusation with a clear undercurrent of “this woman is nuts”. If I had found out he was moving money out of joint accounts or if he had just assumed this random woman he hardly knew was right, our marriage really would have been in trouble.

        And before anyone says OMG , you hugged your co-worker, scandalous- I am talking Christmas parties and a parent’s funeral.

        1. I am so sorry that happened to you.

          Your final paragraph made me laugh though – do people really get worked up about things like this? I must work in the most chill law firm in the world – people hug each other all the time. I hugged a partner yesterday for a winning decision and that was so totally normal here…

    10. Has anyone seen an update on this post? It’s two days later and I was just wondering if we heard anything new from the OP. Hope everything turned out alright!

  7. Last week

    Project director to me: Schedule the meeting with the client. You work out the time and place with the client.
    Me: [Scheduled meeting. Communicated time and place to project director.]

    This week

    Project director to client: Let’s schedule the meeting at [different time and place].
    Client: It is already scheduled.
    Project director to me: You have caused a communication breakdown with the client. You are terrible.

    WTF?????

  8. Has anyone joined a Lean In Circle and even better, one in DC? I recently learned about it and I loved reading Lean In and I like the idea of a network of women supporting each other professionally. Curious to hear your experiences and if in DC, which particular Circle you are a part of (there are dozens in DC and they all seem to focus on a particular industry like journalism, accounting, etc.). I don’t see one for law, although I’m definitely open to joining one not just for lawyers. Thanks!

    2. In all honesty, don’t.

      If you want to lean in to your career, join an industry organization that you provide legal services to (like NAREIT if you work on REITs — DC is full of orgs like this and it’s better to be one of 5 lawyers in a room of 100 client types than the 50th lawyer in a room with 1 client type). The only way to truly be safe and successful in your career is to have clients. Lean in to them.

      If you want social support, don’t limit it to something like this. Join the JLW (half lawyers) to expand your network. Or do young lawyer events that the DC bar does in your area of practice (20 years later, that crowd and I teach PLI seminars in our area and know each other well).

      1. This, this, this. The “Lean In” thing is great branding and a great way for Sheryl Sandberg to make money. But you’ll get way more out of joining professional associations and groups where you can meet people who can really move your career forward. I don’t know anyone who joined a “Lean In” group who found it helpful. Rah-rah cheerleadery stuff will only get you so far, and from what I heard, that’s all those groups offered. I would get involved with a group relevant to your profession – maybe one that is young-leader focused or woman-focused.

  9. In the next 6 or so months I want to get a new tote bag for work. I was hoping to get a LV Neverfull GM, but open to other suggestions. I’ve considered Goyard as well, but have some concerns about quality for the amount I plan to use the bag. Some things to consider: I plan to use the bag every day to and from work and to and from court. Needs to be large to fit files and lots of things for the day. I am primarily in family court in one of the wealthiest counties in the country, and often see other attorneys with Neverfulls and Goyards. Even not in family court I have seen most of the women carry one of these bags. I say this because I always thought they would be too flashy for court, but apparently not where I am (new to the area). Any suggestions, thoughts?

    1. Do you have to put your bag through a scanner? I like a bag I can close and really love the Lo & Sons Seville.

      I don’t doubt that attorneys carry expensive bags in HCOL areas, but in family court, where you have a lot of civil servants and social workers, I’d rather respect the median and have a quieter less logo-ish bag at work.

      You can close the Seville so your stuff doesn’t tumble out / get rained on that was mandatory for a work bag for me. Hold my computer and at least a ream of paper / files easily.

      1. I agree with you about the less logo-ish bag. And that is generally how I am. However, I work in a firm with very high income clients and I fear that I might be loosing credibility with clients if I don’t show up to court dressed to the nines with high end bags. Especially when other attorneys who also serve high income clients are like that. I realize this is a totally messed up thought, but I guess that’s what I get for practicing where I do.

        1. Read The Preppie Handbood / True Prep. If they are really that rich, they won’t care. If they are the soon-to-be-ex-second-wives, maybe that’s a different clientelle. Maybe buy an authenticated used one? THAT would be very preppy — someone else’s bag.

          1. +1 start googling the real real and more will show up in your adwords. then come back and tell us about your experience so we can all save some $ when we splurge!

        2. I promise you the clients probably lean towards “slightly p!ssed that they are paying for it, all those .1’s for 8-word emails” more than “omg, she’s got a low end bag. I don’t trust her.”

          The actual best attorneys/actual rich people do whatever tf they want.

          1. I agree to an extent. But at the end of the day, the majority of the female heavy hitter lawyers in the court I am in most often carry nice bags, good shoes, etc. I’m much younger than them and usually filling in for small matters for the heavy hitter partners. Thus, I do think there is some weight put into how the attorneys look, even if it is super materialistic. Regardless of our legal ability, I look very small compared to a highly reputable female lawyer, who have been practicing for 10+ year, and is carrying a nice bag, nice shoes, etc.

      2. Also, the Seville actually stands up on its own. I love that about it. All of my other totes seemed to topple over and spill if they weren’t packed full.

        I wouldn’t turn down a monogrammed Goyard / Neverfull as a gift, but I see them as a mommy-activity or weekend bag for me and not a work bag. I work for banks too big to fail and while I’ve seen others use them, I think that the people who make outside counsel guidelines and negotiate billing rates would see that and think that there is further room to cut (not so!).

    2. I went back and forth on LV/Goyard/Chloe/etc for a new work bag and instead got a Cuyana work tote in black. It handles two to three binders plus my other things without me feeling guilty about putting 30 lbs in a $1,000 bag. The new one with the zipper has garnered tons of compliments for other female lawyers.

      I also think that while LV/Goyard could be acceptable in different courts across the country, I’d rather have a non-descript bag that doesn’t risk someone judging me for it. Just like I will wear Jimmy Choo over flashier, recognizable shoes to court.

      2. I have the Cuyana work satchel in black and it is AMAZING. I constantly get compliments. No logos, but the design is killer, and the quality is obvious. I have a few more expensive designer bags and the Cuyana is still the one I reach for for work.

        And yes, it stands up on its own if put on the ground.

    3. With love: stop overthinking. No one cares about your bag unless it’s an actual laundry bag or a huge ikea shopper or actually contains a sleeping bag.

      It goes under counsel table.

      Get one you like and that is functional.

      1. WAIT — that huge Ikea shopper could be a Balenciaga bag.

        OP — get thee to an Ikea and get a giant blue bag :)

    4. LV makes a Neverfull in Epi leather so it’s not as flashy as the LV pattern/monogram. It’s a lot more expensive though so I’m not sure if that would be an option for you? The website has a black one with hot pink lining (which I love) but there are also other colours on ebay

    5. Lots of government attorneys carry the neverfull in my area– not exactly the same as family court, but still people who many assume to be on a more modest salary. You could do the Damier (checked pattern) instead of the LV monogram. It’s still super recognizable but maybe a little less logo-intense.

    6. FWIW, I carry the Charlie tote by Dagne Dover and I really love it, and have frequently had people assume it was a much higher end ‘name’ brand. The leather is lovely, the quality is great, but it can be a bit heavy.

      1. I like this bag a lot! Just not sure I could fit a few files in it. Like a few redwelds. Thoughts?

        1. I’d prefer to carry something like the Dagne Dover Charlie in a professional setting over an LV or Goyard. I see those as more fashion/status bags, and they’re showy – which is fine for social outings, but in my professional environment, not something I’d want to be known for. Something more understated (but still quality) reads to me as more tasteful and unique.

          1. I completely agree. I live in the Midwest and the only people who carry LV period are young career women who don’t have kids (aka have $1000 to blow), moms whose kids wear smocking and oversized bows to church, and moms who carry fake ones.

    7. I love my tote from Daame. I’m not a litigator and not sure it would fit the volume of papers you require, but worth looking into. I have the Midi one and it can easily carry my 13-inch laptop and a folder of papers, but I’ve put a full redweld in it on occasion, which works but is on the verge of too much. Very classic, and my shoulders love that it can be worn as a messenger.

    8. From what you’re describing, a “tote” is definitely WRONG. I tote can never look high end. If you buy a LV tote, you just look like you can’t afford a real LV bag and are buying the CHEAPEST LV you can afford, and this is true of most totes. Totes are not professional; they are weekend or airport bags. Your bag needs as much structure as a man’s briefcase or you just like a fashion victim.

      1. Interesting point! My biggest beef is that if I can’t afford to ruin it, I shouldn’t buy it. I would cry if I ruined a $1000 bag.

      2. Hm interesting, but that’s just not practical for me right now. For example, I might be in court one morning on three different cases and need three different files. Not huge files, but large enough that I need to have a big bag. Something smaller just wouldn’t work. Plus sometimes I have to walk a good distance and need a tote to put files in and lug around. I guess it just depends on your line of work? If I was going into a meeting a just needed a pad of paper or maybe a folder or something, then yes a tote might not be the best option.

        1. Well I think you will look ridiculous trying to use a LV tote, when what you really need is a decent leather catalog case that will actually keep all those files confidential and organized through meeting with several clients, none of whom should be see even the name on the outside of the other client’s files.

          Look at any picture of celebs using a LV tote or even LV’s advertising of that bag. It’s meant to be AFFORD to buy a structured LV bag to wear with a structured suit. If lots of female attorneys are running around in structured suits and unstructured LV totes, that’s simply ridiculous. What is this an expensive Jersey, Conn or LA suburb? I’m not impressed. I mean, by all means, do the thing that helps you blend in, but no one flatters anyone who does what you’re proposing of having great style or looking “high end”.

          1. And if you don’t believe me, Google image “Louis Vuitton Neverfull airport” or “Louis Vuitton Neverfull jeans” to see how that bag is meant to be structured.

            Then Google image “Amal Clooney suit” and “Amal Clooney court” and then decide if she would EVER be caught DEAD going in and out of court with a LV Neverfull tote stuffed with 3 client files.

            If you just want a Neverfull, get it. It looks great in a lot of circumstances, but not court. That’s just the most ridiculous excuse ever.

          2. “That’s just the most ridiculous excuse ever.” I am taking cues from other similarly situated woman in my profession who are more experienced and more successful than I am. I don’t really see how that is the most ridiculous excuse ever.

          3. I completely agree with LTT about T. I would never consider spending $$ on one of those totes. That is not a professional bag. Your bag should be beautiful yet should be functional and disappear into your outfit. No major branding.

            I think you are just noticing these bags more because… you want one? And because the flashiness jumps out at you. The professional high end bags blend in and aren’t flashy. THAT is what you want.

            And I completely agree that people with $$, if that is your client base, are not impressed by that tote….. no way.

  10. Y’all. We have mold. A LOT of mold. We noticed a musty smell late last week and thought a small animal might have died under the house. Before we had time to call someone to search for said animal, we realized it wasn’t a rotting smell but more of a mildew smell. We had someone inspect the crawl space yesterday and OH. MY. WORD. It is so bad. He sent pictures and I gagged at how gross it is. This is our first spring in this house, and our area recently had unreal amounts of rain. Which apparently means fungal colonies now live in my crawl space.

    Meanwhile, the living room smells like feet, and my child and I keep sneezing. I feel like we should address this pretty quickly. The person who inspected is a family friend, so I know he’s not trying to hose us, but he said he could dry out the crawl space, get rid of the mold, and install some sort of pump (to avoid in the future) for $3800.

    My question is– we should go ahead and do that, right? This isn’t one of those things that will just dry out and go away on its own, is it? I’m balking at the money, but this is not really optional, is it? Has anyone dealt with this?

    1. Yes. I have not dealt with this personally, but have had cases dealing with it. Get it fixed.

    2. having seen mold many times over in property damage context – act now, and professionally.

      While I’m sure your friend is great, hire a remediation company that specializes in Mold: have it tested, remediated, then tested again when you’re all done. yes it will be expensive, but Toxic Mold Illness is a very serious thing (esp in children) and you don’t want to mess around before it’s too late.

      Best of luck!

    3. Yes. You need someone who specializes in mildew and mold remediation. A lot will depend on the materials the mold is on. If there’s drywall, it needs to be removed. If it’s wood, it may need to be replaced. Everything needs to be completely dried out — companies like ServPro will bring in industrial dehumidifiers to do this.

      While the dehumidifying is happening, figure out what is causing it and how to keep it from happening. It may be something simple like regrading around your foundation or unclogging your gutters. Or it might be something more intense requiring french drains and/or sump pumps. Be prepared to invest time and money but it is money well spent. It will only get worse as summer hits.

    4. Correct, Mold remediation is NOT OPTIONAL. Do it NOW.

      I have not had to clean up that kind of mold; however, I would definitely hire a pro if I did have to deal with it.

      Anecdotally, my sister was working in a building (small business) that had black mold. She kept having these bizarre health issues including muscle and joint aches, headaches, fatigue, etc. At first she was told it was Lyme Disease, then maybe a Magnesium deficiency, but it ended up being the mold. The business owners refused to deal with it, OSHA got involved, and my sister left the business for unrelated reasons. Within a month of leaving that environment, all her symptoms went away. Seriously- mold is nothing to mess around with.

    5. It’s not going to fix itself, you have to have a professional take care of it. Idk how much something like this should cost. If it includes installation plus the pump itself (i.e., you don’t have to buy the pump separately), then that price strikes me as really fair. Hell I paid almost $2k altogether for a new hot water heater. Home repairs are just expensive.

    6. Absolutely treat professionally immediately. And get high quality HEPA filter air cleaners and put a large one on the first floor and one in every bedroom. This is important, and honestly all of us should have in our homes.

    7. Thank you all for the advice– I will go ahead and fix it. To clarify, the family friend does own a mold remediation company, so he’s not just a buddy trying to help. Based on the comments I think he’ll be a good fit. Thanks for making me take care of this quickly!

      1. You will need to have the crawl space sealed, and a dehumidifier installed in that space probably (the pump?). If you have a heat pump for heat/AC, you may need to swap out the A-coil for a teflon coated A-coil. The $ sounds right for the sealed crawl space plus dehumidifier.

    8. Not optional, fix it NOW. I am not allergic to mold, we had the ‘less bad’ type in the basement, but it really irritated my husband and child. It needs to be treated by pros, and yes, I’d definitely install a professional drain/dehumidifier (we did both).

  11. Since people are posting about bags a lot today… deciding between Cuyana Work Satchel, Cuyana Top-Zip Satchel and Cuyana Classic Leather Zipper Tote.

    For work and I’m a lawyer (midlevel biglaw), don’t carry around a laptop, often carry just a notepad. Does anyone have experience with any of these?

    2. Mostly unrelated random question – how do you say Cuyana? I discovered the brand through this s!te and so I don’t know how to pronounce it. I have a wallet from there that I love and people are always asking where it’s from and I don’t know what to say!

      1. From Inc.com

        It’s sort of surprising to hear the founders of Cuyana speak about the importance of language. After all, this is a company whose name pretty much no one can pronounce properly the first time. (It’s “koo-yana,” if that helps.)

        At its start, the company itself wasn’t easy to explain, either. Now, when co-founders Karla Gallardo and Shilpa Shah speak with reporters, they know how to describe Cuyana: It’s farm-to-table, but for fashion.

    3. I have the small carry all tote and I love it for day-to-day use. My (big) laptop doesn’t fit in it but a notebook and many other things fit in it without it feeling too big. It would not hold a legal pad.

    4. I posted above about how much I love my Cuyana work satchel. It’s more structured than the other two bags you mentioned, so it fits less, but looks more professional.

    5. I have the work satchel and zip tote. I use the zip tote daily and love it. It’s big enough to handle everything including a couple of notebooks and a large laptop (I keep my files electronically so I don’t drag paper files around). The more structured bag is nice for dressing up days when I need a but more of a polished look (my office is otherwise casual), but it can’t hold as much. Still can get the laptop in there but I need to pull out junk and it’s heavier. In general though I’m a huge fan of Cuyana – everything I’ve ever gotten from them has been really nice.

  12. Any recommendations for Toronto hotels with salt water pools? Google tells me that the Intercontinental Toronto Centre, the Hazelton, the Ritz Carlton and the Winsor Arms all have them. The Winsor Arms looks a bit stodgy and the Ritz Carlton looks a little too ritzy. Any others? I hate chlorine but love swimming!

    1. Does it have to be a hotel? I think at least one of the downtown Goodlife locations has a saltwater pool, and maybe one of the JCC’s? I feel like someone told me that a while back, so may not be accurate.

      For a salt soak but not swim, Body Blitz.

  13. We bought a new mattress that is too firm for me. I got us a pillowtop mattress pad, but it makes my husband hot at night. Historically I’m cold, he gets overheated.

    I’m overwhelmed by the choices out there. Do I want memory foam? Special cooling memory foam? Budget is no more than $15o– I’ve already bought one mattress pad recently!

  14. Every day for a week or so I have gotten an Instagram follow request from one or two people (per day) that I don’t know. When I check their profile, it’s inevitably a “lifestyle blogger” (whom I don’t know) or someone in my area selling MLM (whom I also don’t know). I always deny these follow requests. Today two of them had added me again, despite me declining a couple of days ago.

    I got a follow request a week or two ago from an interior designer in my area, and I thought her feed was really cute, and we had mutual friends– so I confirmed her request and also followed her back. The next day I saw she had unfollowed me.

    Is this where Instagram is headed now? Mining for followers and then unfollowing them yourself? I am so annoyed. I used to love Instagram because it didn’t have all the drama and politics of facebook. but I feel like it is getting just as bad in its own way.

    2. Yup, there are third parties that automate following and unfollowing exactly for that purpose – building your follower base. They can target based on location and hashtags, so that’s probably why you get local ones.

      1. I care, which is why I posted, because I have to spend a few minutes of my day trying to figure out if this is someone I know or not. It adds up. The “who cares” was unnecessary and not helpful.

    4. I mostly get the p0rny ones, which I have no compunction about reporting. And then they get deleted.

    5. It’s there now. I report and block the true spammers and I ignore the lifestyle bloggers, etc., and leave them hanging in follow request purgatory.

    6. I have an Insta for my bl0g and I get a ton of people (mostly fellow bl0ggers) who follow me only to immediately unfollow as soon as I follow back. I block them. I didn’t know people did this to private, personal Insta accounts though.

  15. Feeling dumb but I’m nervous for a dentist appointment later. I get so nervous for doctors and dentists; sometimes it makes sense like for the yearly cardiologist follow up but other times I know I’m being ridiculous and yet can’t force myself to relax. Anyone else with this issue?

    1. I went through about a 2-3 year phase where routine doctor’s appointments really got me worked up. It all started when I had to start seeing a specialist for a potentially scary situation (which ended up being no big deal). I would have so much anxiety around the doctor’s appointments that my head would spin, and I would just feel out of control, all the while knowing that my concerns were irrational.

      It sounds silly, but I did lots of deep breaths and kept repeating to myself that “nothing bad is happening right now”, and I got all the way through it. I am now able to go to the specialist appointment for a routine annual check up with literally no concerns.

      Just keep going, you can manage this.

      Have you always been nervous about these appointments, or is this a recent development?

      1. Thanks. I’ve always been a bit nervous but no big deal. In the last few years though it’s really nervous – like I know I’ll barely get any work done today nervous. Ugh.

        1. At least you’re going. I’m so phobic of the dentist that I haven’t gone in several years. I know it’s terrible, but I just can’t do it.

          1. Lady, you need to go to the dentist. If you go regularly, they’ll likely clean and scold you and you’ll go home and feel more compelled to floss. If you don’t go, you’ll finally end up with tooth pain and go and they’ll find seven cavities and you’ll be out thousands of dollars for fillings. I mean, or so I’ve heard. I have “a friend” that happened to.

          2. And there are dentists that specialize in people that are afraid of the dentist.

            Yes, you should totally go. The health of your mouth can affect the rest of your body.

          3. I totally understand! However, I can PROMISE you that you will feel better if you make yourself do it! I have a pathological fear of the dentist. I think it is because I am afraid they will disapprove of my dental hygiene or something. In reality they are just happy to see you as a patient and you are doing them a favour by going since it’s money in their pocket (in my case, a lot of money!). I think many dentists now are cognizant of people’s fear and anxiety and are good at dealing with it.

            I have also gone for long, long stretches without making an appointment but I am sure I spent more energy fretting and worrying and having nightmares (really!) over that time than the anxiety I felt pre-appointment once I’d made the appointment. The struggle to set that initial appointment is real, let me tell you!

            I try to think of it like the spa for my teeth because I do love the feeling of having nice polished teeth. Then I make sure I make a follow-up appointment when I am there – that seems to do the trick for me.

            This internet stranger will cheer for you if you can make a dental appointment and go.

  16. I got a trial size of the Paula’s Choice 2% BHA in my Birch Box and decided to try it. It has not made my skin break out, it hasn’t caused my eczema to flare, and after 4 days, I see a visible difference. My pores are smaller and I see less redness.

    The tide of approval for products from The Ordinary has been very persuasive. However, when I go to The Ordinary website, they do not advise using acids on sensitive skin. Has anyone had any experience using The Ordinary acid products on sensitive skin? This level of skin care is new to me.

    1. If the Paula’s Choice stuff worked, why not stick with that? I don’t understand why you would want to switch.

        1. Are you comparing the same sizes? the 2% salicylic acid from the Ordinary is 0.5 fl oz (for $5), whereas the PC stuff is in the 4 fl oz range for $27. The PC stuff is way cheaper.

    2. I have used PC’s stuff for years since my early 20s. I got intrigued b/c they made a big deal about how to make product while keeping up with science (peer reviewed journals rather than marketing gimmicks). Being a professor myself, I was easily sold.

      1. Their recommendations for other brands’ products are quite spot-on (https://www.beautypedia.com/). This is effectively the cosmetic cop website many years ago by PC. I use mostly PC products but many products I’ve tried following beautypedia are pretty good too.

        They renewed their book into an online version, which is helpful. I followed their advice when looking for laser hair reduction http://cosmeticscop.com/

    3. The Ordinary’s products are not really products so much as they are individual ingredients. The acids are just acids. PC’s products, however, contain other ingredients that are beneficial to the skin and will minimize the negative effects of acid on the skin.

      If you want to buy TO’s acids you should also get their niacinimide as well as a few other soothing-type products. So once you add it all up, the PC’s products are actually cheaper. And quicker to use, since you don’t have to be your own chemist.

    5. I have rosacea and eczema (my skin hates me! What can I say?) and Paula’s choice stuff has been wonderful for my skin. I particularly love their AHA and BHA formulations.

  17. Have we discussed the latest Trump craziness? I am very cautiously optimistic that this will be the beginning of his downfall, but I’ve said that many times before :/

    1. McMaster is drowning himself on stage at a presser right now. We’re losing the grownups in the administration too.

    2. I wouldn’t be too optimistic.

      Compare the level of freak-out re HRC possibly creating a security breach risk via private server to DJT and firing FBI Director plus directly provided classified stuff to the Russians. HRC was vilified and DJT is barely a blip on the public’s radar.

      DJT wasn’t wrong when he said he could shoot someone on a busy street and still be loved. This is the new normal.

      1. Oh, I agree there’s a huge double-standard in that Hillary was vilified for much less. But it does seem like many Republicans are very concerned about this, moreso than pretty much anything else he’s done. I think the only thing that got as much as blowback from Rs was his Access Hollywood tape and that was more because they thought he’d lose the election and they wanted to distance themselves from him ASAP. It remains to be seen though.

        1. I think they are saying the right things about “being concerned” to satisfy the public and will continue voting the DJT ticket until this blows over like literally everything else he has done. There is nothing he can do that will cause his supporters to stop supporting him, and the Republicans will ride his coattails to the end because they cannot afford to lose the support of DJT’s supporters.

      2. Yea. Too quote SNL, “”So, did I get him? Is this all over? No, I didn’t? Nothing matters anymore? Absolutely nothing matters anymore?”

    3. Do you listen to the podcast Pod Save America? They had a great discussion yesterday (before the Washington Post story broke, unfortunately) about why impeachment is still a pipe dream, but there’s still a lot more we can do to stop him, primarily taking back the House in 2018. I highly recommend it.

    4. My mom’s a Trump supporter. We talked about this last night. Her reaction was to shrug. She’s tired of the leaks and the drama and incompetencies of the administration, but not enough to remove her support. She still agrees with the general campaign themes – working class (which she is not and never was, so I don’t know why she dies on this hill) Americans have been forgotten, nobody goes to church anymore (she last went to church 11 years ago for my wedding), “but her emails” (really!?), nobody respects America (ya think?). You can’t really get through to her about the idea that his policies benefit the wealthy, that he’s not behaving politely, or even that he golfs more than Obama. There’s genuinely a complete belief that America’s gone to heck in a handbasket and he’s the man to save it because he’s “such a successful businessman.”

      I try to keep calm by reminding myself that history always repeats itself. We’ve been through this before as a nation and survived (see: Know Nothings…nativism isn’t a new idea).

      After Nixon/Ford, we had a Jimmy Carter palate cleanser. Now he wasn’t great, but at least he wasn’t a Nixon/Trump. Maybe we’ll luck out with a palate cleanser president on the next go-round.

      1. +1 to your summary of your mom’s thoughts. It is consistent with the exact conversations I’ve had with my own close family members.

        It’s basically the notion that America is doomed and on a death spiral. Trump is the best choice they have to try to fix it, or at least stop the descent (because he’s an “outsider” and a “successful businessman”) so anything he does is still 50 times better than any other alternative. That’s why you hear the “but Hillary….” -> while his stuff is bad, hers would have been worse, so what choice did you expect them to make?

      2. Thank you for sharing your mom’s thoughts. I can’t even get into conversations with many people because I personally lose it, so it’s great to hear you guys are talking about it.

      3. +1 I saw a Trump supporter respond to someone who posted an article on this on FB with “I question the integrity of the media.”

        2. Yes, this. My dad is pro-Trump b/c “successful businessman,” and our conversations are similar to the poster’s above. My mom (swears) she voted for Clinton, but claims that you just can’t trust the “main stream media.” Most everything that is reported in the WaPo, NYTs, etc. is “fake news” to them and their friends in the rustbelt. I fear for all of us so much.

      4. We have the same mother. only mine is also on her state insurance exchange that only exists because of Obamacare. And gets a subsidy that would go away with trumpcare. And whose taxes will go up with trump’s tax bill. And whose very good friend will lose health coverage under trumpcare.

        I’m not particularly liberal (voted fornhillary but was not happy about it, in a state that is deep blue anyway) but I cannot wrap my head around my mother’s support of politicians that are (a) people like djt and (b) have platforms that would, if executed, directly hurt her and her friends. I think she’s anti abortion….but she’s also a catholic that hasn’t been to church in a decade and despite it being a dirty word when I was a child is herself divorced.

  18. My husband and I are visiting my parents for the first time since we have been married. We would really prefer to stay in a hotel near where my parents live instead of in their home-my husband’s preference is stronger than mine, but mine is pretty strong too. My dad doesn’t care one way or the other, but my mom is really upset we are planning to stay in a hotel. We can still change our plans, but I am not sure what we should do.

    The main reason we don’t want to stay there is safety. My parents live in a bad area where breakins and violent crime is a problem. They regularly find hypodermic needles on their lawn. My dad’s car has been broken into so many times he no longer locks it. To make it worse, they have refused to get an alarm system, and don’t have deadbolts on their doors. Their home has been broken into, and luckily they were not home any of the times.

    Less important reasons are that we are going in the summer, and they live in a hot, humid part of the country and do not have air conditioning. There is also not really anywhere for my husband and I to sleep comfortably, even setting aside the heat. My mom tried to solve this problem by putting a double worn out mattress in a spare room, but it isn’t even comfortable for one person to sleep on (I have done it). We are staying for four days, and this seems like unnecessary discomfort. Although we have no doubt been spoiled by an upper middle class lifestyle.

    I understand she wants to host us, but we’d be staying in an inexpensive hotel about 10 min away, and would spend all of our waking hours with them on our 5 day trip. Are we being unreasonable if we stay in a hotel? What would you do?

    1. Stay at a hotel. You have stated that this is your strong preference, that your parents’ house is neither safe nor comfortable, and that an inexpensive hotel is 10 minutes away. Don’t overthink this.

    2. I would buy a new comfortable guest room bed and stay with your parents. If you are so concerned about the neighborhood then that means you are likely not visiting them after dark which significantly cuts into your time together if you’re heading back to the hotel at 8pm every evening.

    3. Hotel times a million.

      You don’t need to go into the details. If it were me, I’d say “Mom, you know I love you but we are newlyweds and honestly, we love you but we are all going to need a little privacy during our visit. You’re so sweet to offer but I promise we’ll all be happier! Can’t wait to see you!”

    4. Hotel for sure. Maybe just find a way to allude to wanting to “be alone” or “privacy” or whatever it takes to put the idea of naked time in your mother’s head…that should be enough to get her to get over it.

      1. OMG – I cross posted the same advice as SA???? I have clearly upped my advice game.

        2. I was also going to post the same thing and was just reading down the thread to do so, and then I came upon these two posts and had the SAME reaction! I must be getting wise in my old age if I am thinking the same thoughts as you two!

    5. Safety issues aside, I’d stay in a hotel for the sleeping arrangements alone. My family stays in a hotel when visiting my 80 year old parents because 4 of us do not fit on a pull out couch with the original “mattress” from the 70s right in the middle of their house. My mom is exactly like yours, but she eventually got over it.

      Just do it and stay strong. It’ll be really hard, but it’ll be easier to do this now than it will be when/ if you have kids. (And that’s when I would really put my foot down about the safety issues you mention.) “Sorry mom, we’ve already booked the hotel. We’ll see you bright and early on the 10th!” or whatever.

    6. For starters, tell your parents basically nothing that just you told us. You reasons are 100% valid, but to them, all they would hear is, “Your lifestyle isn’t good enough for me because I’m fancy.” Obviously idk your family situation but I’m sure they are well aware that their home is not exactly what you’re used to. They might be feeling some feelings about that as it is. Don’t feed into it.

      Tell mom you will be staying in a hotel. She will be upset. You will have to accept that. If you absolutely must give them a reason, I agree with everyone else that putting “newlyweds” and “privacy” in the same sentence should get the point across.

    7. I’ve been down this road with my mother. She flipped out when I mentioned a hotel and would not let it go. I ended up caving and staying at her house. Will staying at the hotel prevent you from enjoying the time with your mother? In my situation, it was clear that I could not stay in a hotel and have a pleasant visit with her.

    8. Thanks all for confirming . Hotel it is. I do think my mom will get over it once we are there, and just enjoy spending time with us.

      And yeah, I didn’t share my reasons with them, but I am pretty sure they already know what they are. They are smart people. I just feel like a snob, but I guess I can live with that.

      1. OP, I stay in a hotel when I visit my parents. My dad is also fine with it, my mom bristles. She gets over it each time.

        My parents have too many animals in a small house, and one uncomfortable guest mattress (that was old when i slept on it as a kid). It’s a double, and my husband is 6’4″. We simply don’t fit on it together.

        I did LOL at the poster who told you to buy your parents a new guest bed. I suppose this is a know your parents thing, but my mother would have flipped out and disowned me if I tried that.

        1. :) I didn’t LOL, but it wasn’t really applicable. There is no way my parents would let that happen-in addition, my mom went out and got this “new” mattress specifically for my husband and I, so I would feel bad doing that too. They won’t let me help them financially with anything. I wanted to get them a used bedframe for said old mattress (yes, it is an old mattress literally on the floor) and they wouldn’t even let me do that. Let alone the fact I want to buy them a condo in a nicer area, buy them an air conditioner, buy them an alarm system, get them new more sturdy doors, etc etc etc. It is a frustrating situation all around. I feel constantly have feelings of guilt that they live in such bad conditions and I live in the nicest neighborhood in my city in a lovely modern home. But what can I do if they won’t accept help? Sigh. There is no way that someone isn’t going to feel bad about something.

          1. Ah, yes. That’s a hard bag to tote around with you. My mother would have had a very similar reaction to me offering to replace the mattress in my old bedroom (we don’t need the help! We only have guests 2 or 3 times a year — it would be a waste!).

            Big internet hugs to you. I hope you visit goes well, and that your feelings of guilt dissipate (or they start to accept some small help from you to make their lives more comfortable, or both).

  19. Got stuck in moderation so trying again. Any recs for a cooling mattress topper? Recently bought a pillowtop one that is making my DH way too warm at night. Are “cooling technologies” really a thing? What kinds of cooling mattress toppers actually work? Budget around $150 at most, especially since I just bought one!

  20. I feel silly asking this question given what others are going through but I had a horrible (at least to me) Monday and need some advice (and virtual hugs). Here goes:

    I gave my 2-week notice recently and had a very quick chat with my supervisor’s boss (let’s call this person “B”) yesterday. Unbeknownst to me at the time, the way “B” was informed of my impending departure was handled very poorly. I don’t know the details but do know it was bad. In recalling my talk with “B”, a comment was said to me that didn’t register then but given what I know now, can only be construed as a veiled threat of “watch your back, this is a small industry and you’ve pissed me off.”

    I’ve been with the company for a while and it’s an unwritten rule to send out a quick good-bye email on your last day. I was going to bcc the recipients (co-workers that I like, those who’ve worked with me and obviously my department).

    Of course I want to exclude “B” on my good-bye email but I don’t want to stir the pot or make things worse. On a professional level, I should include “B”, right? Even if it makes me want to throw up?

    Btw, I got about 2 hours of sleep last night b/c of the comment made by “B”. =(

      1. +1. I’d have the potentially uncomfortable conversation and tell B that you weren’t aware of the mishandling of the announcement when you last spoke, that you’ve very much enjoyed working with this person, and that you hope to continue to do so in your new role.

        1. Shoot..I replied but did it as a ‘new’ reply.

          I’m not sure I’m supposed to know that something happened. My source is someone who was at the actual meeting with “B”. I need to confirm with my source that I can spill the beans but I guess my initial reaction is if “B” is this worked up and blames me, there’s nothing really I can say to change this person’s mind.

          But you’re right, I need to just talk to “B”.

          But let’s say I talk to “B” again and “B” feelings don’t change. Do I still include “B” on the good-bye email?

  21. How do you elevate your legs at work? My legs are super swollen this month (thanks running and salt intake.)

    2. Recycle bin is turned upside down under my desk- failing that, a propped up cheap laptop bag… and flex your calves and ankles as much as you can

  22. I’m not sure I’m supposed to know that something happened. My source is someone who was at the actual meeting with “B”. I need to confirm with my source that I can spill the beans but I guess my initial reaction is if “B” is this worked up and blames me, there’s nothing really I can say to change this person’s mind.

    But you’re right, I need to just talk to “B”.

    But let’s say I talk to “B” again and “B” feelings don’t change. Do I still include “B” on the good-bye email?

        1. I made the same assumption. I must be a sexist because I always assume a jerk is a dude.

    2. If it would be customary to include B in the email absent this misunderstanding, I think you should.

    3. If you weren’t present when “B” made the comment, then “A” did you no favors by repeating it. Unless your only option is to go make amends with “B.” In any event, I agree with the others that you should include “B” on your goodbye email if it would be customary for you to do so, and that you should go talk to “B” yourself and find out what’s up.

      1. Thank you everyone! I will include “B” on the good-bye email.

        I *hate* conflict but I want to leave the company on a positive note so it looks like I have no choice but to have the talk. If anything, I’ll omit the fact t that I know there is a backstory and only mention that I feel there is a strange vibe between us and want to clear the air.

        And to clarify, the comment that “B” made was made to me, over the course of a quick discussion we had together so there wasn’t another person. Sorry for any confusion.

        I only wish I can have this 2nd talk sooner. As it stands, both “B” and I are travelling and won’t be in the office until the tail end of next week.

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