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Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Panda Bear
Looks like fun clothes for a Downton Abbey movie party.
But I am not in the mood for a party. Just found out that my company did not get a big contract that supports about 80% of my role. We knew it was possible, but thought it improbable. The worst is that we’ve all been waiting anxiously for weeks to get news about this, and I found out via being accidentally cc’d on an email to senior staff. Just ugh. Looks like I’ll spend the weekend polishing my resume.
Senior Attorney
Oh, so sorry.
anon
Oh, no. That’s rough. Sending internet hugs.
Alena
That stinks. Sorry!
Anon
I swear I’ve tried on everything at the mall and can’t find anything to fill MANY holes in my fall and winter closet. Canadian in Toronto.
I’m 5’2″ (so right on the edge between petite and regular sizes) with an athletic build – flat chest, wide shoulders, wide hips, relative to my size. Late 20’s.
I’m looking for some really basic “sporty/outdoorsy but not athleisure” clothing that is comfortable and figure flattering. E.g. many many things in the LL Bean catalog. However, I haven’t been able to find any thing that I can try on in person that actually fits.
Does anyone have ideas/examples? Unexpected stores or brands to try?
Anonymous
The Bay, Eddie Bauer, Madewell, REI,
Anonymous
Mec? Eddie Bauer?
Anon
Ooo, MEC is a good idea based on their website. I’ve bought actual camping stuff but didn’t realize they have so much casual clothing!
anne-on
The signature line at LLBean, the sweaters (and flannel button downs) at Brooks Brothers Red Fleece Line, and if you lean preppy I’d also look at Vineyard Vines or Tuckernut.
pugsnbourbon
Do you have Duluth Trading Company up north?
Anonymous
Ah, this is the void that Jcrew has left in my wardrobe. Their clothes are crap now–even if i was willing to overlook the quality issues, the styles don’t even work for me. I too have your problem, and i haven’t totally yet figured it out. Madewell does not work well for me. For right now, I am doing more athlesiure than I would prefer.
anon a mouse
Orvis?
Alena
Patagonia?
Anonymous
Duluth trading company
Anonymous
Talbots is my go to. I don’t buy jeans there, but their t shirts and sweaters always fit me. They have petites.
Cbara
I’ve bought multiple pairs of Prana Halle hiking pants. I find them comfortable and flattering in an outdoorsy kind of way.
Kks
Toad and co is a younger version of the LL bean look- lots available at REI and backcountry!
anon for this
Recently realized I have compulsive/disordered eating and I know I need help, but not sure where to start. Do I look for a therapist that does CBT? Someone who specializes in eating issues? My first instinct was a nutritionist/weight loss specialist but I think my issue is more about controlling the urge to eat, not what I’m eating, if that makes sense. DC area if anyone has suggestions.
Anonymous
I would start with a therapist, but you might also consider a 12 step group like Overeaters Anonymous in addition.
Anonymous
I started out working with a therapist and eventually added in a nutritionist who specializes in intuitive eating. It was hard work, but life-changing.
Miss
I did primarily CBT to overcome my eating disorder. That was about 20 years ago and I haven’t relapsed. Good luck. It’s tough but so worth it. Therapy is definitely the way to go.
KP
Overeaters Anonymous.
TelcoLadyJD
Kim Smith, PhD in Bethesda
Anon
I just had a pretty devastating performance review that completely caught me by surprise. My manager criticized me for things that aren’t even true or (IMO) worthy of criticism – like I should go talk to people in their offices rather than send them emails? I thought I was doing well and I was really happy to be here. I’m terrified I’m going to lose my job now. I emphasized to my boss that I was happy, learning a lot, and enjoyed working with her, and I will work hard to learn from her advice. Wtf do I do now?
Anon
I’ve had this happen, and my manager was trying to get rid of me. (He never wanted to hire me, but people above him made that decision, then promoted him to manage me, so…..)
You polish your resume and get to job hunting. Alternatively, you find it if you can move departments within the company.
Various companies differ on this, but you can sometimes sort of dispute a performance review. If the concerns were not brought up prior to the review, are not things that are usually considered problematic in your company, or aren’t true, then you should document them. Sometimes, you can wrangle a “re-review” of sorts, with a third party present, wherein you go through the salient points and present your own side. This is particularly helpful if your manager is the type to shut you down when you attempt to discuss. (Note that the points must be very salient; you cannot criticise minor things or get into grey areas.)
Anonymous
I’m sorry, that sounds really hard. I’ve had nutty/hard to act on negative reviews before, e.g., “your writing is mushy,” and I know how difficult that is. I do want to push back on the idea that saying talk to people in person rather than email is a baseless criticism. Sometimes an in-person or phone conversation is a lot more efficient and allows you to capture nuance in a different way, and I have noticed that some people I supervise are really reluctant to do that. So consider whether there may be some grains of truth in between the BS.
Anonymous
I had this happen last year…. it took me a long time (like 6 months) to try to gain some perspective.
I tried to separate the knee-jerk, emotional reaction from the facts — is any part of the feedback true? could it be viewed as constructive coaching rather than criticism? is your boss just not very good at giving feedback?
Its difficult, I know – especially when its a blindside. Hang in there. Don’t do anything rash.
Anonymous
This. It took me a long time to understand the difference between “feedback that is given” vs “what I heard”. E.g. “you need to be more assertive” I would hear “you are not cut out of this job”. Try to get a feel for whether your boss was giving the feedback to you for improvement, or it was given to you to try to push you out. For what it’s worth, I have given the feedback of, more in person meetings less emails, to almost everyone on my team, and I’ve been given that feedback myself. It was always for improvement though.
Miss
I agree. Take a day or so to wallow but then take another look at the review. While your immediate reaction is that the criticism is unfair, you do need to eventually consider whether it’s something you can change. I’ve had reviews like that too (including you need to be more friendly, you need to do more administrative work, when I thought objectively I was doing the same or more than male coworkers) but at the end of the day I work for my boss. So if your boss wants you to use email less, you use email less even if you think it’s less efficient. If you want to keep your job, make the changes you can make and think about whether you’re ignoring things that are important to your boss (even if they aren’t to you).
Alena
Hey, first, you need to appreciate the fact that you were given a feedback. Second, you need to figure out if anything was performance related, communication style is more about culture fit, rather than performance. Third, you need to write this feedback down into two columns – 1) things you want to fix 2) things you want to fake to keep the job. Column 2 is about things that you feel like a total bullshit at your opinion. Put your ego aside and fake an effort to change.
But! Talking to people in person can have a significant positive impact to your chances of getting promotion as you need people could say something good about you, and it never happens to email people.
Anonymous
+100 All feedback is good feedback. You decide what is noise and what your want to digest.
Anon
It’s fair to go back with follow-up questions once you catch your breath – particularly if you didn’t get a baseline, meaning you can’t tell if you are overall doing well but here’s some room for improvement or they think you’re doing poorly and these are the examples.
Ellen
When I worked serving subpeenies after law school, I served the most subpeenies, but when it came time for a review, my boss, who was short and bald, gave me a bad one, and I think it was b/c I would not go out with him. He said he hired me b/c I was a lawyer and knew the legal subpeenie rules, but I think he really hired me b/c he thought he was going to get to have $ex with me. As it turned out, I did not have to wait long until I met the manageing partner serving a subpeenie in his building, and I was able to quit my old job w/o ever sleepeing or doing any $exueal stuff with my old boss, tho he did manage to pinch my tuchus a lot each time I walked by his desk. FOOEY!
Horse Crazy
Looking for affordable/comfy/cute pajama ideas. I sleep in a large t-shirt currently, and I really don’t feel cute in it. Thanks!
PolyD
I like Simply Vera Wang’s pajamas at Kohl’s. Target’s Gilligan and O’Malley line is nice, too.
JTM
Gilligan & O’Malley was discontinued earlier this year. Target’s new sleepwear line is called Stars Above and it’s really great – I’ve gotten some pajama pants that are soft and comfy.
anon a mouse
I’ve been really happy with a few things from the Target “Stars Above” line – the beautifully soft pieces. I have a couple nightgowns and one pajama set that have washed well and are very soft, true to their name.
Vicky Austin
Somebody posted a really cute pair of GAP joggers here not too long ago and I got sucked in over there…
Anonymous
Uniqlo
NOLA
Hello Kitty onesie. Cool nights sleepshirt from Soma.
juliaBOS
Target has cute & comfy PJs – I second the Stars Above line rec. I’ve also found Aerie’s pajamas to be super comfy and cute, particularly as the holidays approach, they usually put out some adorable sets.
Anonymous
Soma! I haven’t tried them but a blogger just posted about how much she loved some PJs she got at Walmart.
Anonymous
DKNY has great jams that don’t have wee sheep on them. I get them from the DKNY site or from Macy’s.
Miss
I love Carole Hochman pajamas. I think Costco has them every year around the holidays. They’re so soft and comfortable and (at least the year I got them) have pockets.
Anonymous
How long do you have to date a new person before you stop weighing the pros and cons of being with them in your head? I started dating a new guy and he is lovely, and charming, and really into me, and physically we have a strong connection and I smile to think about him. He is smart and I enjoy our conversations, but he is not smartER than me, which I always thought I wanted.
In the past, I’ve been smitten with guys who I felt like I’d known in another life or wowed me with intellectual prowess and repartee. This is very different… it’s comfortable and easy, but not challenging. I respect him, but I don’t admire him or look up to him, if that makes sense.
Am I letting myself get mired in Old Ideas of dating or patriarchy or alpha/beta? I’m not looking for a study partner but a life partner, after all. (But I maybe wouldn’t want him in my study group?)
I’ve asked friends about it, and responses vary from “just keep dating him! As long as you don’t actively dread the dates” to “you know yourself best, and if this is something you need and it’s not there, you owe it to yourself to break this off and find it.”
I’m sure this community will have opinions and/or have experienced something similar. What do you think? What did you do? Feel free to talk some sense into me if my expectations are too high.
Anonymous
Is he kind?
Anonymous
Yes, very.
Senior Attorney
I subscribe to the theory of multiple intelligences. I feel like you are looking for somebody who is very verbal and can do the whole Aaron Sorkin-dialogue repartee all the time, which is fine but not the be-all and end-all of being “smart.” My lovely husband doesn’t get as many Jeopardy! answers right as I do, and he’s not going to be cast on the revival of The West Wing any time soon. But OMG he can build anything or fix anything, he has had a successful law practice for 40 years, he is super respected by his peers and beloved by his clients, he has a degree in mechanical engineering for crying out loud, and he had the sense to stay married to one woman until she died after 27 years (while I was buring through two horrible marriges). So you better believe I admire and look up to him all day long and into the night and I think at the end of the day I value his kind of smarts way more than the witty repartee and intellectual prowess thing.
tl;dr your expectations are not too high, they are too narrow.
nutella
^^ Ah really well said. I’m the same way. I will smoke my husband in Jeopardy and as a teenager thought my one-day husband would get my Shakespeare references and freak out over seeing an original Keith Haring hanging in someone’s home. But in truth my real-life husband has read basically no Shakespeare and knows next to nothing about art. But he is exceptionally, exceptionally smart in many other ways that I am not. Both of us say the other one is the smarter one. And he gets excited about those things now because I do. And is you know, the kindest, most thoughtful, funniest, handsomest, most devoted, most hard-working all-around really wonderful guy ever. So yes, don’t lower the standards but maybe widen them. And whether it’s this guy or other guys, remember the beginning is supposed to be the easy part. If it’s not, go with your gut.
NOLA
Exactly! My ex-husband has a PhD and is much more of an intellectual type than I am, but pretty much a mess personally and needed a lot of external validation and needed to look smart. My boyfriend after him didn’t finish college, but had a very long and successful career, could manage a budget of millions of dollars, is a problem solver, good administrator, and could figure out how to do just about anything mechanical or DIY by watching a YouTube video. I don’t know if we had intellectual conversations, but we enjoyed spending time together and I admired him. Most recent guy is somewhat similar. Grammar matters to me, but otherwise, I’m mostly tired at night and don’t need someone to challenge me intellectually. I’d rather go get froyo and watch silly videos.
Vicky Austin
YES. I adore my husband. I thought as a teenager that my marriage would have to be with somebody who spoke some languages and played some instruments and had read all the classics and had SO MUCH to say ALL THE TIME that I could feed off of. Nope. Husband is content to listen. He is fascinated by bridges and planes and dogs and his job. And me. And I can blather at him about linguistics all I want and he’ll be interested. Apparently, that’s all I need.
Anonymous
Married 20 years and completely agree with Senior Attorney.
When I was dating I envisioned that when I married someone he would be intellectual and sophisticated and that we would spend our free time cooking exotic meals, reading dense literary fiction and discussing it, going to plays and foreign films ballets and symphonies, and having dinner parties with our equally erudite and intellectual friends where we would discuss Big Ideas and laugh at literary in-jokes.
Then I married my husband. We do none of those things. But we still have a great time together. If I want to see foreign films, I see them with my girlfriends but we love watching dense, complex series on Netflix or Amazon together and discussing them. He doesn’t read literary fiction but he actually writes his own novels (science fiction) and that’s been really interesting, to read and help him edit his work and talk through new story ideas. He loves to cycle and that’s something we enjoy doing together, and I’ve gotten him into hiking. He is an accomplished professional and a wonderful father and he can fix just about anything (or is at least willing to try) and most importantly, he is kind and empathetic and isn’t afraid to show it. He’s a thoughtful listener and he is always, always, always there for me when I need him – today I had a minor medical procedure scheduled and he rearranged his work schedule so he could show up and hold my hand, even though what was happening was not a big deal. Is he perfect? No. And our marriage isn’t perfect either, but it’s good and we have a great time.
I think we all hold ideas in our heads about what we want out of a partner. I know I did. I also know that a lot of the intellectual, cerebral guys I dated turned out to be neurotic whiners with huge fears of commitment. So I’m pretty glad I didn’t end up with any of those guys. It’s great to want what you want, but be open to the idea that something different than what you want can also be amazing. There’s no guarantee that if you keep looking forever you will find the guy who has all the positive characteristics of this guy plus is smarter than you. And there’s also no guarantee that if/when you find a guy who is smarter than you, that guy won’t be lacking some of the good qualities of this guy you’re dating now.
Formerly Lilly
Totally agreed as to “I also know that a lot of the intellectual, cerebral guys I dated turned out to be neurotic whiners with huge fears of commitment”. My experience would add “with a real need to feel superior to others.” Then I found my husband. My DH isn’t intellectual but he is smart, and while I may have more iq points, he is smart in ways that I am lacking. It works well.
Monday
To begin, I am 100% on board with requiring consistent intellectual challenge in a partner. If I wouldn’t want him in my study group, I don’t want him in my bed.
The only thing that sounds weird to me is that you expect him to be smartER than you. Really? Why?
I have a sneaking suspicion that you actually don’t feel he is your equal intellectually. Of course there are different types of intelligence, but it sounds like he doesn’t have enough of the kind that works *for you.*
Senior Attorney
And if that’s true, you owe it to him to break up with him so he can be with somebody who will value him instead of look down on him.
Monday
Yes.
Anonymous
I think you’re looking for a fantasy
Equestrian Attorney
I think if there’s a physical connection, he seems nice, and you smile when you think about him, it’s worth exploring. I understand what you mean about being smarter but that’s something that might come up later (maybe he is really smart in non-obvious ways) or maybe you decide that’s not important for you – or maybe you do and then you break it off. I think it’s more “do you look forward to seeing him again?” than “go unless you actively dread the dates”.
Anon
+1 to “do you look forward to seeing him again?” than “go unless you actively dread the dates.” You should always WANT to see this person. “Not dreading” is a miserably low bar for dating someone!
It’s curious to me that you gloss over “comfortable and easy” in pursuit of “challenging.” Think about the relationships in your life that have shaped yours – parents, other boyfriends. “Challenging” is not a word I would ever want in a relationship; I’m comfortable and easy all the way. “Challenging” to me is the relationship between a professor and student in a positive context or between estranged spouses in a negative context. “Comfortable and easy” is what lifelong relationships are made of.
Re: intelligence – my husband has an engineer-type brain, where he’s great with spatial things, thinking 18 steps ahead, etc, and he has two Masters and is well respected professionally. But he has a curiously small “SAT vocabulary” if you will – those $5 words that you learned in school – and he’s a slow reader. He asked me the other night what fecundity meant when he came across it in a book. But just because we have different academic strengths certainly doesn’t mean I don’t respect him – I respect him for all his million other wonderful qualities. If you can’t respect this man because of his intelligence, that’s just a statement of fact for you, and you owe it to him to let him go.
Senior Attorney
OMG yes! Remember the Billy Joel song? “I don’t want clever conversation… I never want to work that hard!”
Anonymous
I’m not sure what you are really missing here, unless it’s instantly being enamored/fantasy vs. falling in love slowly/real life. I think your description is everything a person could want: “he is lovely, and charming, and really into me, and physically we have a strong connection and I smile to think about him. He is smart and I enjoy our conversations.”
It would probably be a good to let go of the idea of being dazzled or wowed by someone smarter than you. In a long-term partnership it’s better to be human together and to regard each other more as equals. Good conversation indicates that you are engaged with each other’s ideas plus you do respect him … Life is long and you’re going to have lots of conversations where you develop your lives and futures together. You don’t want to feel like you’re always following his lead or demanding that he follows yours. You want to know he’s capable of picking up the slack for you and vice versa as life ebbs and flows. But genius is not required, a meeting of the minds is better or balancing each other out in different aspects, etc.
Anon
“In the past, I’ve been smitten with guys who I felt like I’d known in another life or wowed me with intellectual prowess and repartee. This is very different… it’s comfortable and easy, but not challenging. I respect him, but I don’t admire him or look up to him, if that makes sense.”
I think your expectations are skewed. A marriage is built over many years, not over that “I knew you in another life” feeling. But you also need to deeply respect the person you choose, and he deserves someone who respects him.
I dated men who made me feel like I had known them forever, or who had all the witty repartee; but three months in, couldn’t even stand the sight of them. My husband is brilliant, but more importantly, the most intellectually curious person I’ve met. I might test out higher than he does and am able to do advanced math that he struggled with, and we come from wildly different backgrounds, but the depth and breadth of his knowledge floors me. He is one of the most stable, kind, and levelheaded men I’ve ever met, and those qualities have kept our marriage going through some rough times.
I would encourage you to think about what you want in a life partner, what would make for a good marriage when you’re 50, and who you would want with you in the delivery room when you’ve been in labour for 30 hours.
Anon
Yes, intellectually curious is so important to point out – for me, my lifelong partner needs to be curious because that means he and we will always be growing and learning and open to new things and they will support me doing the same because they’ll want to learn alongside me. I’d rather have that then someone who is objectively impressive and smart but lords it over me (which is what I thought of when I read your description). Our culture is so messed up that a lot of women have internalized that being with someone nice and gentle is settling and real men are bossy and full of ideas – is encourage you to explore that a little for yourself.
Anon
I think there are a lot of things going on at once and that it has less to do with his actual intelligence level and more to do with unreal expectations and an unhealthy view of what a relationship should be.
1) I think you’re purposefully playing life on hard mode because it makes you feel better about yourself.
2) Relationships shouldn’t be hard by nature and someone can challenge you to be your best self without arguing with you all the time on abstract ideas.
3) You’re in love with being enamored with an idea of a guy who may not exist. Comfort and easiness is where a lot of good relationships end up after a long time, so even if this guy were up to your “smartness” level, when you know each other well enough to have an easygoing relationship, you’re going to dump him because you’re bored?
4) Someone’s intelligence level is not directly correlated with their ability to debate philosphy or whatever on a regular basis. Have you thought that it’s actually boring to him so he doesn’t put much time or thought into it? I’ve met guys who can deeply understand a multitude of topics and have multiple degrees in hard subjects with thriving careers but can’t debate XYZ because they don’t want to or have to. Can YOU build a computer from scratch? Can YOU analyze a complicated medical or legal case?
5) Expecting someone smarter than you to be with you is not realistic. Why should they lower their standards for you when you aren’t bringing more to the table?
Anon
This is going to sound really arrogant, but I think I’m really smart and if I limited my partners to people smartER than me I’d have a very narrow dating pool ;) (I’m also almost 6′ tall and didn’t limit myself to men taller than me for the same reason). That said, I definitely wanted someone intelligent, but I agree there are different kinds of intelligence, even if you’re talking about book smarts. My husband has a PhD in STEM but doesn’t read for pleasure and isn’t super verbal.
Rainbow Hair
Ha, I was thinking the same thing. Ain’t many guys smarter than ME out there :-P … but truly I think that’s because, as so many posters have already said, “smart” is not just one metric.
Even academically, there are so many different strengths a person can have. My vocabulary is aces, but I can’t spell for sh*t, which always makes my husband laugh because he’s a great speller. I’m good at figuring out how to use math to solve problems, but terrible at remembering if Place and Other Place are 20 miles apart or 200; he’s the opposite. I can tell you, in rapturous detail, why the sentences in Such and Such book are beautiful, but I might not remember the main plot points; he pointed out that I missed a main character’s miscarriage in a book I’ve read 100 times.
If I didn’t think my husband was ‘smart’ I don’t think I would be with him, but I love that we’re not smart about the same things.
AnonInfinity
In general, ESPECIALLY at first, I subscribe to “If it’s not a f yes, it’s a no.” In other words, my real criteria is whether I look forward to seeing him again and getting to know him more. So, I really try not to get mired down in weighing pros and cons. This is partially because I was long married to a man, and our relationship was good on paper, so would have passed most of the pros/cons tests, and I talked myself into thinking I was happy with him.
As to the intelligence “requirement” you’re talking about, that’s not my particular thing, and I agree with the posters saying that there are many forms of intelligence. If it’s yours, that’s ok. I do think that if there’s a man who’s not smarter than you that you’re more interested in, you might not question it so much.
Anon
+1 to “F Yes , or No”
Anon
I posted almost this exact question about a year ago. I completely understand where you are coming from.
All I can say is you’re allowed to want what you want. Take chances and allow yourself to be surprised, but also recognize if things aren’t working. You know what you want and need best!
anon
I agree that there are multiple kinds of intelligence, and that being smart isn’t as important as being kind. Both my husband and I are equally smart–my husband is more into witty banter and deep philosophical discussions (depending on his mood), and I’m more into discussing history, literature, and politics. We’re pretty well matched, but I don’t do banter.
Our best friends are a couple who didn’t seem like an obvious match at first. The man is absolutely, insanely brilliant–good at the repartee and banter, can hold his own on any topic, and has a PhD in genetics. His wife isn’t as conventionally “smart,” but she is best described as an “old soul.” She’s kind, grounded, artistic, adept in all social situations, hard-working, and has more common sense than anyone else I know. They’re good for each other and great parents and good friends.
Anon
I will tell you the story of one of my good friends. I don’t know if this will help you.
She was dating a guy who worked in the same field as her. She is whip smart and so is he. He and she had fiery intellectual debates, they had amazing s3x, he made her laugh, and she was in love with him. She was obsessed with him to be honest. She felt dizzy and sick around him, butterflies in her stomach. He was the one for her.
He was also a serial cheater and when caught sleeping with her best friend, made her feel like it was her fault. He could talk his way out of anything.
He made her feel self conscious about her weight (she was, if anything, 5 lb over her ideal weight. We are talking size 2-4 here.)
He had to win all debates. He needed to prove he was smarter than her all the time.
When something didn’t go well for him at work, it was her fault and he would get into a dark, angry mood and sulk for days.
I met this dude and he could light up a room. He was the most interesting, funny, entertaining person at any gathering. He was charismatic.
He left my friend for her best friend, and continued to lie about it until the day he moved his stuff into the new woman’s home.
Six or so months later, my broken hearted friend met a nice man in her community. He was everything the first guy was not. Quiet, unassuming, consistently even keeled. He asked her out on a date, then another, then another.
She told me she thought she should stop going out with him because while she really liked him, maybe even loved him, but she never felt that head over heels feeling she had felt for the first guy, and she thought it wasn’t fair to string him along.
I told her the head over heels feeling was probably just a sickness and maybe she was self-sabotaging because she didn’t feel like she deserved a nice guy.
They kept dating. They’ve been married for 10+ years now. He’s still a nice guy. She’s in love with him. They’re great together.
Anon
Yup, this. I think a lot of people mistake drama and mistreatment for love or passion. I certainly did when I was in college. It was only when I met my now-husband that I realized you can be deeply in love without the guy making you miserable half the time.
Anonymous
+ 1 for marrying the nice guy – DH isn’t Who I thought my Future husband would be but he is right for me – he’s kind, funny and a great dad he might not be the coolest or smartest guy I ever dated but he is so kind and supportive
Alena
Could you just have a fetish for college professor type? Nothing wrong with that.
Anon
This. Recognise that you have a fetish based on a certain outward personality, and take it as the first step to knowing yourself better and finding out what makes you really happy (noy giddy – happy) in love.
I know I have aleays had a “type” intellectually and even physically. I still tingle inside when I meet such a guy – I recognise it as my “thing” and just enjoy the interaction (conversation, look on the street, whatever) in the same way I enjoy seeing a lovely picture or hearing briefly a favourite piece of music. I am happily married for 15 years to the loveliest, most amazing man I’ve ever met. He is as far from my “type” as can be, but I always felt so great in his presence, physically and emotionally, from the start. And I still feel deeply in love with him after 15 years, life in two countries, going through poverty and riches, quarelling relatives, having a kid, both of us changing careers…
Recognise the fantasies that you enjoy, and keep enjoying them for what they are – everyone needs a fantasy, they bring a lot into your life. Do not waste your life trying to make it fit a fantasy.
Anonymous
I’m finding this discussion about smarts/smarter than me/intelligence very interesting. A number of posters have pointed out and used the phrase “intellectual curiosity.” I love this phrase because I think it better describes what most people are looking for rather than book smarts/number and types of degrees someone has. So, I encourage you to look at smarts/intelligence through intellectual curiosity and what that means to you. I have a friend who is limiting her dating pool by only wanting to date guys who have an advanced degree. That’s fine, but after several conversations with her, it sounds like she’s actually looking for someone who is intellectually curious, which, to her means wanting to read for pleasure and discuss books, reading and discussing current news with an informed opinion, and generally exploring the world around you. You can have a high school degree and have this be the case, or you could have two separate PhD’s and be so burnt out that you never read for pleasure or want to discuss anything. But, if the fact that a guy got a 1600 on his SATs, 5s on all AP exams, and a 180 on his LSATs /132 on MCATs, then by all means go and find and be with that person.
But don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the (really, really) good.
EK
It took me about 15 years to realize that I am not smarter than my husband. My ego was telling me that I was, and I had a better memory than he did at the time that we met. Now my memory isn’t as good, and I ask him to help me work through logic and interpersonal issues.
On the other hand, I know that my sister is much happier with her new, smarter partner than she was with others. She has a very high IQ and so does her new partner.
Trixie
I have been married for 32 years, and did not get married until I was 32, and dated throughout my 20’s in search of Mr. Right. And, I like to think that I am smarter than the average bear, so I get that. and some men seemed not intellectual or curious enough. So, here are my thoughts: If you are attracted to this guy, and look forward to being with him, and can’t wait to see him, you are on the right track. Then, he must pass the character tests: kind, dependable, connected positively to his family, honest, etc. After that, any filters you apply such as : must be smarter/taller/faster/sail better/play tennis/ are just noise, and you are being defensive about moving forward. Of course, you want to have some things in common, but skills and interests develop and change over time. He does not have to be smarter than you are, but you do want to respect him for who he is. Follow your gut, and choose someone kind….
Texan In Exile
it’s comfortable and easy, but not challenging
And that’s when I knew I had found the right one. My husband and I have known each other for 14 years and have been married for 11. Easy is so much nicer than challenging. I don’t want to worry. I don’t want to work. I want to be with someone who adores me and whom I adore and respect and like. (And is hot.)
Arts-focused middle school
I have a kid who is bright but quirky. Also a good artist. Kiddo’s art teacher recommending investigating a public arts magnet for middle school placement. I think that music / performing arts predominate there, but there is a visual arts component as well. The place has a huge regional reputation. Plus, with it being small (for our city) and full of characters, it might be a great place to be a quirky middle schooler. I think that the odds are slim (lottery + audition/portfolio). But if you have been to such a place, pls reassure me that they won’t skimp on important things like math (especially math) and reading? I love that kiddo loves are, but the high school option will likely be a school of several thousand kids, so being behind in the fundamentals will be problematic.
[In Artistic Middle School, a good many kids go on to Artistic High School and then onto performing arts careers / music scholarships to college; we just draw and paint, so there the career path is different — art teachers have to go to college, artists need to have very savy business skills to make a living, etc. — and I think that that is unlikely; the theater kids are often acting semi-professionally already or are in serious youth symphonies.]
Anonymous
Oh they absolutely will not skimp on the basics. In general arts magnet schools are fantastic places. Look up their teat results and I bet their kids do really well. Fabulous option’
Rainbow Hair
Both my brothers went to an arts magnet middle/high school. One in visual arts, the other in film. The kids were wacky and creative and strange and pretty great for teenagers — my main memory from their school was all the singing in the hallway from the theater kids. Both bros went on to, and completed, college in arts fields (though one never actually graduated from HS – he got a full ride to a college so he skipped his senior year). Both are currently gainfully employed in the arts now, one as a tattoo artist (he just bought a convertible and sets his own hours and is booked through Feb 2020 and seems very happy) and one working in film/projection stuff that I don’t fully understand (but he works at cool clubs and concerts and also flies to other countries to do work).
Suburban
My dad rented a luxury apartment to a tattoo artist. Apparently he makes crazy money and loves his job and is a genuinely nice person. That kind of career didn’t even seem possible (or just didn’t occur to anyone?) when I was growing up.
Rainbow Hair
Right?!
That brother had the beginnings of a decent career as a painter, but he realized he could get paid every. damn. day. if he used those same skills to tattoo people, so that’s what he does. (Can you tell I’m super proud of him?)
Anon
That’s really awesome
Anon
I went to public magnet arts schools for both middle school and high school, and had just the best experience. I 100% would recommend it for any kid who is so inclined. My mother shared your concerns about academics, and it was a visit to the school that really convinced her – if you haven’t had a chance to speak with students and teachers, you should.
FWIW, I was able to take AP classes and then fit right in at my competitive liberal arts college.
The high school in particular had a focus on multiple intelligences (Senior Attorney explains this in a post above, thank you!), and it led to an atmosphere of mutual respect, pursuit of excellence in all areas, etc.
BTDT
My daughter went to the arts magnet school in our city for middle school. I had some of the same reservations before she started that you do. I also appreciated the potential perks you mentioned. At least at her school, the kids in general were very very bright, which resulted in good academics. The downsides at her school IMO were limited non-arts activities such as no sports, no PE, no foreign language, and limited electives. She had the option to stay for high school, but decided to go to our urban neighborhood public school and is thriving there due to there being more of the types of opportunities I described above. She ultimately had a good experience at the arts magnet middle school, but I am glad she moved on.
Not a Fun Guy
I went to one of these schools (graduated in ’04) and they didn’t exactly skimp on the basics, but I had terrible math and science teachers, especially for chemistry and pre-calc, and teachers and administration didn’t seem to value those things much at all. Also, the other students were not very “quirky” compared to a regular school…the few people who were really quirky still kind of stood out. Then again, I went to school in a city with terrible public schools all around, so my the poor quality math and science classes may not have been tied to the fact that this was an arts magnet school.
Rainbow Hair
This dress looks fun, but also I am so, so, so over the 1920s party theme and the instruction to wear flapper clothes (and I love dress up parties! but like, come onnnn). Worse still is the Gatsby theme.* (I’m going to a 1920s/Gatsby themed *work event* soon, hence the b*tching.)
So to be less whiny, I invite you to list with me Better Party Themes Than Flappers:
– 80s Prom (music! poofy sleeves!)
– Birds of a Feather Aviary Realness (this could be so glam)
– Gods and Goddesses (could we trust folks not to get weird and offensive on this one?)
– Fancy Hats (under-appreciated)
– Children’s Toys (think of the colors! think of the silliness)
– Dapper Day (those Disney folks commit to a theme and I love it)
– Post Apocalyptic Business Casual (aka my regular life?)
– Winter (the prettiest season)
– Pink (like a white party, but better!)
– Marie Antoinette (but not the person, the aesthetic of the movie)
– Dadaism (Exquisite Corpse time!)
*Kudos on the folks throwing a Gatsby murder party at least — a bit more on point.
GCA
wait, how many flapper parties have you been to and why am I not getting these invites?
I think my office should adopt a Dadaist dress code; it would allow our small-consulting team to remain chipper in the face of great absurdity. I mean adversity.
Rainbow Hair
They’re always like, the ‘fun’ reception at a conference.
Yes to business dadaism. I mean, it’s already there, let’s just incorporate it into our wardrobes.
pugsnbourbon
100% cosign Dadaism For Business.
pugsnbourbon
Though in my daily life I lean toward Post Apocalyptic bizcas b/c I am always covered in dust (somehow)
Suburban
Ain’t no party like a gatsby party* because a gatsby party don’t stop**
*except for every other gatsby party
***until two people are dead and everyone is very disillusioned with the excess of the Jazz age
Agree. My favorite party from my sorority days was fake New Year’s Eve. You get all dressed up and count down to new year every hour on the hour. It’s so silly.
Rainbow Hair
That sounds delightful! I love counting down and yelling “yay!”
Anonymous
Double extra bonus if you can throw the Pink Party on a Wednesday…
Rainbow Hair
Ha!
Senior Attorney
Summer of Love
Disco
Mardi Gras
Make Your Own Pizza (because really, at the end of the day it’s all about the food!)
Rainbow Hair
How was Disco not on my list?! It was definitely in my heart.
Conference ideas?
I’ve been asked by my company to plan programming for a small conference [I do a lot of writing in a topic area–sort of a passion project that morphed into doing my own website and newsletter for my company on the topic and so now they somehow think I can arrange speakers and format for an event]] I know some great speakers. But I don’t want to do the typical snore of a bunch of folks with PowerPoints. There will probably be about 75ish attending.
Any fun ideas for something interactive you guys have seen? I’ve done audience polling in the past and that’s always gone well. Breakouts into small groups to discuss a certain challenge can be hit or miss (and tough with this group since those attending are business competitors with one another to some degree).
Or… any non-conference things that have been fun? I’m in a beautiful major city with a gorgeous lakefront. Like I could do an early morning walk with folks….or….?
Rainbow Hair
Last year I was at a huge conference for my industry, but there was a session entitled something like “Challenges for [Subset of Industry] in [Particular Task]” and we divided into groups and sat around a table and worked through a hypothetical where we represented someone much like our employers, and shared strategies about our approaches to the issues. Then we came back together and the leader asked one group to share its strategies on this aspect, one on that… It worked really really well. I suspect part of it was good leadership — the panel that introduced the topic split up and joined each small group — and part of it was that we all sort of did the same job but in different enough spaces that we didn’t feel like competitors.
Anonymous
I went to a much larger (2000 people) conference of arts organizations this year, and some of the session highlights were “inspirational” presentations about wonderful things different organizations are doing (e.g. music program for people with dementia) and some more personal stories about overcoming challenges. They also do an optional 5K and have a participant choir and band that perform, but those may work best for this specific population. The band was amazing. The choir performed really funny songs written to the tune of pop songs about experiences common to people in our field.
Anonymous
A conference I don’t dread attending has optional small group events one afternoon, that range from building owl houses to going on a historic walk to a fun run to a brewery tour. There is something for everyone and they are good networking events because it’s easier to chat in a small group setting.
Dating in the Age of trump and kavanaugh
I’ve always been attracted to bigger guys, whether it’s broad shoulders and soft or muscled. However, I find that so many men were p00-p00ing the comments when it was the “grab em by the ____” quotes or questioning whether to believe Dr. Ford’s testimony or the like that I find myself worrying more than ever about men understanding consent. As such, although I am more attracted to bigger guys and I like to feel small and such, now feeling small and delicate feels scarier in the dating world. Now I find myself worried about whether someone bigger than me in any way might mean I’m not safe. It’s even worse to think about how society has shown that women are so often not believed when something awful does happen and they try to seek justice.
Like many who are single in their mid-years (30s-50s?), I’ve obviously dated some whom I thought were good and right and who weren’t (or else I wouldn’t be single now). So it’s already a struggle to not sometimes question whether I’m noticing red flags if they’re there or whether I’m being too picky in my standards, etc. etc. but now adding this component makes me wonder if I ought to just give up dating.
Advice or commiseration?
Anon
I understand the feeling, but in reality, some of the creepiest men I’ve seen have been short/small/skinny or otherwise not screaming “aggressive” or “strong.” I would still judge certain men who seem to dress in a way that highlights their strength because I’ve noticed a (totally anecdotal) correlation between those men and a certain brand of machismo that I am not interested in, but there are no hard and fast rules. Keep going for the men you’re attracted to and weed them out based on personality.
Anon
I will give as a caveat that some men that dress to emphasize their muscles are completely sweet and amazing, just vain (source: I married one). If vanity is an issue for you, completely understandable. But judging someone’s misogyinstic tendencies because they wear slightly tight shirts is kind of taking a jump – guys can sometimes just like the way they look and want to show it off and there is nothing wrong with that. You wouldn’t say a woman hates herself because she chooses to show a great set of b0*bs.
Anon
I think you’re discriminating against bigger guys on the assumption that they might harm you more than smaller guys (? not sure how you made the logical jump there). What you should do is what you’ve always done – go on dates with people you’re attracted to and gauge their viewpoints through conversation. Also, it’s not a smart assumption because a man your exact size is still likely to be stronger than you.
Anon
Gently, I think this level of overanalysis is concerning. All women have the usual “keep your car keys in your fingers in the parking lot” and “never let a drunk girlfriend go home with a new guy,” but you’re saying you fear meeting any man larger than you physically for drinks at a public bar because you might decide to go home with him at some time later and he might become aggressive? That level of fear should probably be addressed by a professional.
Go on dates, if you get bad vibes, say the spark isn’t there and say goodbye (because let’s be real – Kavanaugh and Trump have never given off “bring home to your mama” vibes, even before the allegations against them came to light – and their Tinder profiles probably wouldn’t have given off wholesome vibes, either, if they were on there). And if you do like a guy, keep going on public dates until you feel really comfortable with him. Trust your guy and use common sense. And turn off the news.
anon
The post never said anything about drinks or bringing someone home, it was about feeling of safety with someone visually obviously more physically powerful. That unfortunately isn’t fear to see a professional, it is probably a level of awareness and a question asking for thoughts, not making someone feel stupid for recognizing the rates at which assault happens in America and how often it is perpetuated in American culture as the woman’s fault.
But now I do wonder what the online dating profiles of those 2 men would read like and you are right, I can’t imagine how they could be anything other than red flag after red flag!
Suburban
Not understanding the body size component, but on consent:
It’s not a difficult concept. There have always been men who respected the need for it (my grandmother called them gentlemen) and men who did not. Do I think you can use someone’s views on the above-mentioned alleged assaults by the above-mentioned men as evidence of his views on women and their bodily autonomy? Absolutely. Listen and account for nuance, but absolutely.
Anonymous
Maybe I’m just a particular weakling, but I have come to the realization that virtually ANY man could physically overpower me. This was driven home early in my marriage when my husband used to try periodically to hold me down and tickle me. For me, the sensation of being held down put me in a position where my “fight or flight” response kicked in — and made me realize that he was strong enough to overpower me. Obviously, it was terrible feeling to realize how easily I could be overpowered, and there was nothing fun about it. And he is only 5’8″ and doesn’t work out (i.e., not muscular)! (I explained this to my husband, and he stopped the behavior, which had seemed benign to him for understandable reasons.) So this is to commiserate that 1) yes, I have thought about these things, too, even in situations where I completely trust the man; and 2) Realistically, I don’t think avoiding guys with muscles will protect you.
Anon
You can not believe a word out of Blasey Ford’s mouth and still believe in consent. The fact that she claimed this happened does not make it true.
Anon
What about the women from Yale? What about the women who have made allegations about other men, including the president? Sure, one of those women might be lying, but it’s extremely unlikely that all of them are and the guys I know who think Kavanaugh did nothing wrong also think Trump did nothing wrong and the whole Epstein thing was overblown and those Catholic priests just lived in a different era and #metoo is a bunch of lies ruining men’s lives etc. etc. etc.
Pronouns In Emails and At Work
Not sure if yesterday was a tr0ll poster but I am trying to figure out the comments about how people just don’t want to do this, knowing it doesn’t hinder them at all but that the purpose is to show acceptance and inclusion for those who are looking for signs of whether a space or person is accepting. I guess I don’t understand how this is any different than learning someone’s name or than being asked to remember that someone named Jennifer goes by Jen (like someone named John uses she, her, hers pronouns).
We know the benefit of showing inclusion and acceptance in the workplace can be huge, what is the detriment to doing so that I must be missing once I saw so many comments refusing to do this?
Anon
The only comments to that effect were not using the super-specialized pronouns that aren’t part of standard English. Idk why you’re bringing this up again when the arguments for and against were already made yesterday. In any case, my take is that no individual is so special and unique that he or she gets to demand that I use a custom pronoun. You can request it, sure, but it’s my right not to use it if I don’t feel like remembering the nuances and conjugations and getting shamed if I slip up and so on, especially if we barely interact. It just isn’t important to me. I have a lot of other things to worry about and I’m happy to use he, she, or they.
Anon
This. There is an acceptable pronoun that can be used in the singular and plural, it’s “they”/”them”. Just because you want a new word doesn’t mean you’ll get a new word but I’ll respect that you don’t want to be called masculine or feminine pronouns. It also avoids the inevitable when a transperson hears “Ze and hir” and gets all pouty because it sounds very similar to “he and her” and they were mistaken. Why would you want a pronoun that is so d*mn close to masculine and feminine pronouns that it could be misheard?
Anonymous
Oh come on. It’s because people don’t actually buy into gender being fluid and something you can pick and chose and don’t want to include it.
Anon
Yeah, that’s part of it for me as well. I know it’s not the opinion du jour, but I don’t believe in gend*r identity and therefore won’t put pronouns in my signature. I’ll use others’ requested pronouns out of politeness, but not because I actually believe in the concept. I believe that all individuals have a sex and a personality and that they can get punished socially if their personality does not match sex-based stereotypes (i.e., when a woman looks “butch” or a man wears a dress). That sucks, but as an atheist and feminist, I’m not able to convince myself to believe in an anti-scientific, quasi-spiritual “feminine soul” or “masculine brain” and I have no interest in doing so anyway. I’d be fine if the English language used one pronoun for everyone (except when necessary to indicate sex for medical or sexual purposes), but that’s not where we’re at.
Anon Lawyer
So why not list the pronouns you prefer, which presumably are the ones which align with the sex you believe you are? No reason people should have to guess at that for you anymore than for anyone else. You acknowledge yourself that not all women immediately look like what we think of “women” even if they were assigned that at birth.
Anon
Because I don’t believe it’s necessary. People are able to realize my sex within milliseconds of meeting me (per human evolution) and I don’t have a personal reason, such as a GNC look, to suggest otherwise. I respect the right of others to handle the issue as they please as well.
Anon
Not the above poster, but what do you mean about pronouns aligning with the sex you think you are?
I’m a woman with an engineering degree, who does almost all of her own car work for fun, loves sports (both playing and watching), and have been accused of “being a man” on the internet – people who read what I write without a name attached often assume I am a man.
But I’m a woman, and I’m downright offended by the idea that my “choosing” to be addressed as “she/her,” I’m therefore “identifying as a woman.” It’s so, so sexist, because I can be a woman and not be like women.
Anonymous
+1
Anon
Honestly, just reread yesterday’s post. You’re trying to beat a dead horse. Topic is dead. People gave you their reasons, you don’t want to accept it. Stop with the faux “whoa is me how can you be so intolerant”, we’re too smart to fall your your obvious bait post.
Anonymous
Isn’t the whole point of a pronoun that it’s a generic stand-in for someone’s specific name? Like, if I have to use a special, made-up word for your pronoun, isn’t that just essentially a second name? It seems confusing, either I refer to you by your name or one of the regularly understood pronouns (he/she/they). Using some new word as “pronoun” doesn’t make any sense. If you want something special and individual, you have that already, it’s your name.
Anon
Yup.
Research Before Dating Or Early In Dating
How much research do you do? For example, do you g00gle them and just check results? Do you background check in case of arrests or marriage? Where is the line between being smart and safe and finding out all of the answers to typical first date questions? Also, when you already know an answer, do you play dumb on the date and ask it anyway or do you somehow share that you already know they have 3 sisters and 1 brother and grew up in Sunnyside?
Anonymous
Background checks? Nah that’s way too much.
Anon
Google search of name and job, look back a page or two. After a couple dates if I like him, I’ve definitely run surface level background checks, which I know sounds a little crazy, but literally I only search if he’s married or has a record, both deal breakers for me. I think it’s weird to go digging around for hobbies and family members.
AnonInfinity
As soon as I find out a person’s last name, I type his name into the electronic court records system to make sure he doesn’t have any felonies listed. I have come across divorce records using this method, but I never read them. The one time I had a hit on a felony, I did read the docs that were available to see exactly what he was charged with (pretty serious drug crimes), but the guy had a common name. I went on the date and determined it was him based on the conversation. I never told him I knew because there were tons of reasons we weren’t compatible.
I don’t do any social media stalking or searching beyond that. I don’t tell them that I’ve done it spontaneously (like I said, there’s only been once it was even an issue), but I’ve been asked before and was honest that I’d taken that step. Any guy who doesn’t understand why I’d want to know if he has a sexual assault conviction or something is not a guy I want to be with. Every date I’ve talked about it with has been very understanding (and some progressed far past the first date).
Anon
I do no research before the first date, nor do I know how I would since I don’t know their last name and don’t have their phone number (I refuse to exchange numbers on the apps till I meet in person). Note that I always meet the person in a bar in the city and take public transit home, so I’m not worried about my safety.
If I’m starting to really like someone (generally after 4-5 dates), I will do some research. But that’s more because I’m curious than that I’m worried. I’ve never learned anything concerning or significant that the person had not already shared.
Anon
Are you the same poster from above? If so, I repeat my advice for you to seek counseling. This level of fear is not healthy.
When I was dating, I generally just went on the first date without bothering to research. I generally made my dates quickly – chat a little and then meet up within 48 hours, because there’s no point in expending energy if the spark isn’t there. Occasionally, I’d enter the guy’s phone number into Facebook and stalk him there…but that was generally only if something felt off or didn’t go right (aka, the guy from eHarmony who kept blowing me off – I entered his cell number on Facebook and up came the pictures of him with his smiling wife and kids). But no, I never stalked a guy enough online that I knew all the answers to all the conceivable first date questions before the first date.
anon for this
lol you claim it unhealthy then said you’ve done some research and explained why. How is the question indicative of being unhealthy unless you think yourself and every other responder to also be unhealthy? A person isn’t unhinged because they ask what others do or because they want to minimize risk.
Ellen
The internet is very helpful to weed out phonies. I google men I think I might be interested in b/f I go out with them, and if they ask b/f I know, I put them off until I research them. About 3 of 4 guys who I think I might be interested in are losers, b/c I find posts they make on Facebook or Instagram pictures with them drunk or hanging all over some other women. That is NOT what I want to find huffing and puffing on top of me then posting the picture on Instagram. FOOEY on that! If I am very interested, I will go online and pay to get more detail, which I should have done with my ex, as he did have some trouble even b/f I was sleepeing with him. You can never be to carful in this world, as men can tell you one thing only to find out they are MARRIED or sleepeing with another woman the whole time you are thinking they are home pining away for you. FOOEY on that!
ADH
Anyone ever been diagnosed with atypical ductal hyperplasia? Any anecdata to share on treatment, monitoring, thoughts? I was the poster a couple of weeks ago waiting on a biopsy to be scheduled and this is now the result, but I’ll admit I don’t know that feel like I know anything more at this point.
Anon
Feeling inspired by the youth marching for climate change today. I needed to feel hopeful about something and now I do.
Demanding climate action
reporting back from the Berkeley Rally, which was very inspiring. A lot of folks went on towards SF afterwards. There were lots of school kids, but obviously also many university students there, and I sure hope they all vote in 2020!
Irish Midori
I would 100% wear that dress non-ironically to a fancy party that was not themed. I love it!
Migraines
Hey Hive, I could use some help. I’m the poster who recently moved to WA from CA in July. I’m 34 and have never had migraines… except now I’ve had 4 migraines in September. They involve disrupted sleep and personality changes when I’m in the middle of it. They hurt so bad. I went to the ER today and a CT was clean. My mother died of brain cancer and my husband is very worried. I do feel like my judgement is impaired and I’ve had trouble with big decisions recently. I’ve done a lot of crying this week while I had a major headache and was thinking things that didn’t make sense. I don’t feel like myself and feel so horrible overall. I do have bipolar disorder but that’s under control and these do not feel like bipolar episodes – it’s more like I start acting different and then my head really hurts. My husband is not an alarmist but he called my dad, who has the means to send me to the Mayo clinic and has already called them. I take Trileptal for bipolar, which is also an antiepileptic and sometimes used to treat migraines, which is an interesting wrinkle. I just feel crappy and confused and don’t know what’s going on. Any ideas?
Alena
Hey! I’m suffering from migraines my whole life and it seems to me that your trigger is barometric pressure shift, which happens very often in Seattle. Try and see if your migraines are happening during the rain, or before it.
If they are you can either get meds prescribed or move back to Cali.
Anon
Yes, this. I have sensitivity to barometric pressure changes as well. FWIW, it is much worse with hormonal BC for me. Seattle in the fall is hell for barometric swings.
Miss
Yes, barometric pressure is a known migraine trigger. I’d advise you to see a neurologist for migraine disorder anyway and you can track your migraine attacks (and get alerts on barometric pressure changes) with apps like Migraine Buddy, which might help you identify other triggers as well as track your symptoms.
Coach Laura
I’m sure none of us here can give out medical advice but I think you need an appointment ASAP with a good doctor. You likely don’t have brain cancer and I think that seeing a doctor versus the ER is a good move. I’m in Seattle area and I know that there are clinics open on Saturday like Virginia Mason or Swedish clinics. (I seem to remember that you moved to Enumclaw but could be wrong. Virginia Mason has a Federal Way clinic is open Saturday.) Try to get a doctor to see you this weekend to get started finding help and then if you need Mayo or something else, you’ll at least have someone helping you sooner. Take care.
Anonymous
Hugs, my best friend started having migraines in her mid-thirties out of the blue and it was both scary and frustrating for her to go through all the testing rigamarole until she got some treatment help that worked. I have had migraines since I was 12 so I understand how hard it is to cope with the pain and also live your life.
First off, have you checked the known side effects for Trileptal or did you discuss them with the ER doc? Things that prevent migraines in some people can cause them in others, and the “altered thinking” is concerning. Can you call the doctor who prescribed you the Trileptal and talk to them about what’s going on?
If your CT is clean that is a really excellent sign you don’t have a brain tumor. But CTs aren’t totally conclusive in diagnosing every brain condition that could cause migraines, so your next step needs to be making an appointment with a neurologist. They may do more testing – a neurologist should also look for an aneurysm, which isn’t always detectable on a regular CT scan. Regardless, they should be willing to start you on some treatment to help you in the short term. There are lots and lots of options. Most doctors start people on triptans (Imitrex, Maxalt) and see how they work. If they don’t work to arrest your migraines when you have them, there are tons of options for preventatives, including different anti-seizure medications (Depakote or Topamax), Elavil (amitryptaline), beta blockers, and many others. There are some newly-approved injectable medications that are doing wonders for some people. It may take some tinkering to figure out what will work for you but a neurologist that has experience with migraine patients will hang in there with you until you figure out what works.
Because of your age, I am wondering if any of this could be hormonal (which means going on, going off, or switching birth control pills might help). Do you grind your teeth at night? Sometimes TMJ will start causing migraines once it progresses to a certain point. Has your diet changed recently? I have several dietary migraine triggers (red wine, certain berries, citrus) that I have to avoid. I have also had trouble with supplements – I can’t take brewer’s yeast or garcinia cambogia because both will trigger terrible migraines for me.
In the short term (before you see a neurologist) you can ask your regular doctor for a prescription for something that won’t conflict with your existing medication – I am not sure if triptans will work or not. If you can’t get in to your doctor for a prescription, a lot of people use a combination of Excedrin Migraine and Midol as a treatment option – both contain caffeine and acetaminophen, so watch dosages if you try this. You also need to develop what my neurologist called your “migraine hygiene routine” – your self-care when you get a migraine. Mine is taking my prescription medication and then lying down in a dark, quiet room with an ice pack for my head until the medication kicks in. Some people feel better if they take hot or cold showers; some people have certain things they eat or drink that make them feel better. It takes time to figure that out too.
I am sorry you are going through this. FWIW I have had migraines for a long time but mine hit a really bad point when I was about your age due to changing hormones, and I had to shift my treatment plan to accommodate it. My best friend’s migraines turned out to be related to hormones and stress and now that she is menopausal she doesn’t have them any more. It’s worth continuing to investigate what’s happening, and especially if you are in such pain you can’t stand it or if you exhibit stroke-like symptoms, or intense pain that lasts longer than a day, definitely go back to the ER. I hope you find an answer (for both cause and treatment) soon.
Anonymous
Hope you read this response even though its so late! I think what you are experiencing is not that unusual. I would make an appointment with a Neurologist, get an MRI, your neuro will probably prescribe some prophylactic meds (taken daily) and some abortive meds (taken at onset). A word of warning, in my experience the prophylactics are an experiment of trial an error, there’s lots of different meds and not all of them will work for you. The annoying thing is you have to take the meds for about 3 months before you can determine if it’s working. The abortives are also trial an error but you can tell much more quickly whether these work or for you or not. Other suggestions: check out The Migraine Diet so you can identify potential triggers, download the Migraine Buddy app and start documenting all of your migraines, this will help you identify non-food triggers and keep a migraine diary (important)
Auto fill
Sorry to hear, and echo the advice to see a specialist (neuro-oncologist perhaps). It could make sense to do an MRI, PET scan and/or EKG. A pro will be best positioned to rule out the worst-case scenarios. You could also contact your psychiatrist, since s/he may have good connections in the neurology universe. Good luck.
Anonymous
I am so sorry. Migraines are the worst.
You have a lot of good info here and I fully endorse finding a good neurologist who handles migraines. FYI, it looks like UWMC has a Headache Center.
In terms of why now and why many, migraines in women are often hormone related and I have heard that some women have an onset in their thirties with hormonal changes. Also, migraines begat migraines, so having a number in a row is not unheard of.
While you’re waiting for your appointment, I would consider trying to take some steps to avoid the most common migraine triggers: foods like red whine or dried fruit (but not alter my caffeine intake, which can itself trigger migraines), exhaustion- get enough sleep every night and on a regular schedule if you can, and perfumes and other scented things. Make sure you’re taking an allergy pill. If you moved, could new pollen be leading to headaches that becomes migraines?
Hugs! I ended up sobbing in public over the summer when a migraine hit and I couldn’t get home. Been there.
OP
You are a genius. I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what I’m going through. I just downloaded the WeatherX app and bought their earplugs – $11 and they are supposed to help with the pressure change. I looked back at the pressure changes and when I had headaches, it makes perfect sense. Thank you for this comment.
OP
You are a genius. I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what I’m going through. I just downloaded the WeatherX app and bought their earplugs – $11 and they are supposed to help with the pressure change. I looked back at the pressure changes and when I had headaches, it makes perfect sense. Thank you for this comment.
Anonymous
So glad! I get wicked snow headaches when the pressure changes for a snow storm. Definitely could be it!
Ariadne
Not sure if you are still reading, but I live in the west coast too ( Vancouver, bc) and my migraines are triggered by the changes in barometric pressure — so when the weather suddenly changes, especially impending rain, I can feel a migraine coming on. I take Advil, as many migraine medications I’ve tried have terrible side effects. I also have caffeine and salt, as well as take warm showers, and have a microwave heating pad for my head. I am still searching for the right medications, and my migraines can be calm for several months, and then I can have flare up and as many as ten in a month. Take care of yourself, and I hope you find what works best for you.
Anonymous
I really hope you check back, I know I’m posting late tonight.
Your symptoms remind me of the book Brain On Fire. The author suffers from a sudden onset of unusual & severe symptoms: personality changes, paranoia, mood swings, seizures, eventually ending up hospitalized.
She had this disease: https://www.med.upenn.edu/autoimmuneneurology/nmdar-encephalitis.html
It’s treatable and slowly gaining visibility in the medical community but still commonly misdiagnosed. Please read the link to see if the symptoms match your experience. Wish you the best, hope we get a positive update.
OP
You guys are amazing. I’m pretty sure they are barometric pressure headaches. Thanks for pointing that out! I am way better today. I downloaded the WeatherX app and bought special earplugs. Now I’ll get a warning when pressure changes are coming and I have earplugs that help with the pressure change. I also bought a migraine supplement. I think it will really help to know one is coming.
Anji
Hi! I’m a reader here, but have only commented once. I’m a college student trying to figure out this whole “professional dress” thing. Problem: I have serious joint problems. I need ankle support in all my shoes. Without them, I need hard ankle braces – ugly, clunky, obvious things, but useful. My daily-wear shoes are hiking boots. I can also wear ankle boots with heels under one inch without braces. Anything else – most sneakers, pumps, flats, sandals, anything with a heel over an inch, etc. – needs hard braces.
Can I wear low-heel ankle boots pretty much constantly without being inappropriate, or can I wear other shoes with my hard braces? Or should I just resign myself to looking workplace-inappropriate sometimes? Thanks, Corporettes!
Anon
Hello, Anji! I also benefit from ankle support and would love to hear recommendations if you have any favorite ankle boots. I think it will work in your favor that short boots have been in style recently, and there are many options that are more sleek and streamlined than a hiking boot.
I’m curious whether tight lacing is required for the support, or could an ankle boot without laces (like some of those pictured here: https://corporette.com/the-best-ankle-boots-for-work/) still cover some supportive binding tape underneath?
My guess is that you can develop a signature style that incorporates your boots and that will work at conferences and in the office.
If you have any interviews in an industry too conservative for boots (if you’re also wearing a skirt suit and hose, not tights, etc.), you may want to consider dressing conventionally and wearing the braces (which are more obviously a medical necessity than the boots, which will look like a choice).
Weekends are slow here, so you may want to ask again on Monday’s post. It may help to include some details about the professional contexts you have in mind.
Anonymous
I wear a lot of Cole Haan to work. They have dressy boots and booties that you could wear with pants or with tights and a skirt. You might try one pair off eBay and see if they have enough support.
Of Counsel
Fortunately, even the most conservative industries these days allow women to wear pant suits. I would focus your professional attire on those (with pants that can be worn with boots). I would avoid the look where the pants are so short that you can see most of the boot; it is less conservative than a longer pant that falls over the boot. You can make up for the feeling some people have (and I would be specifically concerned about some judges) that pants are less appropriate than skirts by making sure you have at least one very professional looking pant suit.
Right now you can often wear ankle booties with tights and skirts, but I am not sure how much longer that fashion trend is going to last. Also it reads as less formal to me than those same boots with pants, probably because it is so trendy. It would be fine for about 75% of situations at my law office, but I would not recommend it for interviews or court.
Good luck!
Booties
Talk me in or out of these booties?
I have a pair of Everlane Boss Boots, but I don’t like how they look with pants or without black tights. I can picture wearing these with everything in my closet, given that they’re actually comfortable, which I have not yet determined.
https://mmlafleur.com/shop/lana-boot-3d-knit-black
Anonymous
Late to this, If they’re comfy go for it. Especially if they’d go with everything~ gosh get 2 pair if they are spectacular ~ so as not to beat them to death:))
FWIW the angle of the heel looks a little troubling to me.
Anonymous
Agreed that the heel angle is unusual. I’d worry whether they are comfortable or the heel will just snap off
fired and really upset about it
I’m in a field that is contracted. Got fired via phone today. Told that 2 clients complained about me to my grandboss, didn’t even bother coming to me or to my boss. My boss called to tell me, it sounded like we could have worked through it had it been complaints to them but there was no option for that since it was grandboss instead. The frustrating part is that the complaints were for doing exactly what my boss told me to do. I obviously can’t do anything about that but the grandboss reached out offering to debrief this week. I am hoping not to lose opportunity for future work and salvage my reputation. I said in the email that I was digesting the info, reviewing interactions with the clients, and that I appreciate that grandboss is making time to talk as I want to learn and grow from this.
However, I am embarrassed, sad, frustrated, and angry. I was given a set of rules, I followed those rules. Clients didn’t like the rules and complained. Why was this not a discussion about changing the rules? Why weren’t grandboss and boss understanding or willing to discuss this before just canning me? How is it that I did what I was told and I end up now dealing with this situation (and at the loss of 3 months of income for this work)? Plus, I set up all of the scaffolding for the project so the grandboss, boss, and clients will continue to benefit from my work in that way, I just won’t be paid for it.
Support, commiseration, guidance, etc. greatly appreciated. All of those feelings make me not want to share this with people IRL.
Miss
That sucks. I’m really sorry that you’re going through this and that your higher ups didn’t even try to stick up for you (or for their decisions that you followed). You may want to post again in the morning if you’re hoping for practical advice.
Anon
Post again today.
But I would suggest that a functional company does not move responsibility downhill. Provided you actually followed directions, this is 100% on your boss.