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- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
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- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
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- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Daffodil
I wrote here a few months ago how my husband told me he was having doubts about our marriage (we’ve been together over 10years, now in our early 30s). He’s prone to anxiety-induced, existential crises, so I have been very patient and given him space for the last six months.
I learned this weekend (not from him) that he has been cheating on me for 10 months months. The cheating is awful, but the worst part is that he’s watched me go through hell the last 6 months, and has repeatedly said that there’s no one else. Thank heaven we don’t have kids.
I am shocked, disappointed, and angry as hell. When I confronted him, he admitted it. The part I really can’t get out of my head is the she was in our house for a weekend while I was on a business trip. It disgusts me.
I love my house, I want to and can afford to keep it in the divorce, and I really don’t want to move. It was my dream house when we bought it, and I’d be hard pressed to find something this good in a location I wanted – not to mention that the hassle of moving seems too daunting, among all the other changes in my life. But how do I get past that she’s been here?
Go for it
Woo woo all the way ~ after he moves have a sage clearing ceremony. Ymmv
Anon
Yes! And redecorate. Do all the stuff that he never liked/wanted.
Anonymous
I think that various denominations have had priests / rectors come out to bless houses. Often it’s a new house, but my sister had a catholic priest come out after some similar drama (and teen kid acting out) and she’s not even catholic (but we are in the NEUS, where I feel you are a bit Catholic by osmosis).
This is in prior times — I bet you could sprinkle some holy water around. Better than burning anything. That can get out of hand.
Flats Only
Ooh – I like this. I’m not Catholic, but it sounds so comforting and official.
Moonstone
I did this after I moved into a house where the previous owners abused their children. I was raised Catholic and the ceremony of the blessing meant a lot to me.
Daffodil
OP here- I am Catholic, although not super religious, and I absolutely love this idea!
To those who have commented – thank you. I genuinely appreciate your comments. I have indeed kicked him out of the house and am going to redecorate ASAP. I have gotten some satisfaction in throwing his crap in bags so far.
Clementine
I love all these plans and… SO MUCH LOVE TO YOU.
Get the bedding you’ve always wanted. Lily pulitzer duvet? Go for it.
One other idea: A long time ago, a friend and I had both gone through some crummy breakups and we got together, drank some wine, and had a little fire where we burned things from the relationship. Not anything huge, but like… ticket stubs, a couple photos, a birthday card… It felt good and really helped in a way I can’t entirely explain.
Carrots
I had a pinata from an old boyfriend that I held on to for way too long. One weekend at my dad’s place, I had my younger brother and sister help me destroy it by actually using it for it’s purpose and then burning it – highly cathartic.
Senior Attorney
Go for it! Much love to you, OP!
anon
Oh gosh, if it was me, in my head I wouldn’t let her take even one more thing that was mine. She’s disrupted your marriage. Don’t let her also disrupt your choice of house. Who cares if she’s been there? It’s yours.
JHC
This.
Anonymous
Especially because this is about your husband being a cheating creep. He has been in your house this entire time and you still want it because it’s a house YOU love. Pox/plague on their houses (but not yours)!
queenofcastle
BANISH HIM
Anon
This. I’m so, so sorry, Daffodil. Sending you so much love and hugs.
Anon
Good riddance to him! And to let you suffer while he lied to you! Agree with the sage and redecorating suggestions –make it solely your own. Sorry OP, heart goes out to you
BeenThatGuy
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have been through something similar many years ago. Sage that house. Have a priest come and throw Holy Water. Invite a Wican to do their thing. Whatever it takes. Then redecorate…everything pink, floral, faux fur, glam it up (or whatever your style). Don’t let this woman allow you to suffer any more than you already have. You’re stronger than you know.
emeralds
+1, wow. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, but it sounds like your life is going to be so much better without this man dragging you down.
Monday
+1. Cheating sometimes can be forgivable, but to me, gaslighting and insulting your partner’s intelligence (for months) are too disrespectful for a relationship to be salvageable. F* him.
You have lots of good suggestions, and I will add that scents are very powerful for building new associations. Apparently the area of the brain that processes scent is intertwined with the limbic system, which involves emotion. Get some candles or diffusers in new scents that you love.
And this isn’t about your home, but consider changing your hair. We see our own faces a lot, especially now, and a new look can be a reminder that you’re moving forward.
Anon
Just please don’t cut your bangs too short! (Been there, done that)
pugsnbourbon
I am so sorry. I agree with others on redecorating as much as possible. I also think paying for a deep, deep, mega-clean would be money well-spent.
Anon
+1. As an atheist, I would be throwing money at whatever local witch could come perform a moon/incense/whatever ceremony on that house. I think the ritual would help you feel better and even more so if you can have a girlfriend or two by your side. I think you should stay in the house if you truly love it and “reclaim” it. You’ll heal in time. So sorry this happened to you.
PolyD
+2. As a not religious and not spiritual and anti-woo person, I’d be getting all the blessings and doing all the smudging and spells and whatever.
Co-sign on the redecorating, too. Other ideas – change the rooms around, whether that means rearranging the furniture or rearranging the purpose. Maybe you decide to turn the dining room or living room into a library or a music room or a cocktail salon, whatever makes sense to you.
Anon
I am so sorry for you. Kick him out today.
Echoing the above ideas: sage, lavender, redecorating, get rid of his crap. You can even hire someone to do a spiritual cleanse for you. Yeah, it’s woo-woo, but even this engineer thinks it’s the way to go.
AnonATL
Definitely redecorate. I’d probably start with the bedroom or living room (or both if you have the money!). If you always wanted to redo the kitchen or bathroom and he pushed back, do that now. Whatever your space is, make it extra you.
So sorry this happened to you. I’m sure you will come out the other end stronger and happier!
Cbara
I’m so sorry this happened to you. You deserve none of this. I don’t think there’s an easy way through the pain but yes redecorating may be helpful. And donating anything in the house that reminds you of him and her could be freeing and make you feel good about helping someone else.
SmallLawAtl
Certainly all new bedding and a new mattress would be the first order of business. What a jerk.
cookie
+1 maybe it’d make you feel good to donate the bed frame, bedding, mattress, the whole shebang to a domestic violence shelter or some kind of organization that helps women get back on their feet after leaving their abusers. Then go buy something beautiful and new to make the space totally YOU.
Also agree with the professional deep cleaning after you’ve removed all of his stuff from the house.
Also change the locks so he can never set foot in your space again.
Aunt Jamesina
Yes, this. And if your house doesn’t have a defined master bedroom, I’d switch rooms if at all practical.
PNW
What a tool. Buy a new bed, mattress set, the whole shebang. Get exactly what you want. Pile on the bedding and pillows. I agree with the sage/deep clean/holy water blessing, whatever will mentally and psychically help you reclaim and name your space.
This is a terrible thing to go through, be kind and forgiving towards yourself. Think how you will fly without this clown to weigh you down any longer.
Velma
All of this. Paint in new colors–something very different, any color you love. Do the bedroom first, including the inside of the closet. Replace all bedroom furniture if you can. New curtains. Wipe it clean and make it your space.
Anonymous
Wow, awful. This is why people want to rake their ex over the coals in divorces. I would think very strongly about setting his stuff on fire, or at a minimum throwing it out in the yard before a thunderstorm (back yard, because you are classy and your neighbors don’t want to see the drama).
Redecorate. Then host a housewarming party.
Anon Probate Atty
I love the fire idea! Conjures images of Waiting to Exhale (although she set the fire in the driveway).
Seriously, OP, we support you, and I’m glad that you can already see that you’re better off without him. Onward and upward!
Anon
That is an awful betrayal. Redecorating is a great idea and second having some sort of ritual. If it makes sense with the layout, consider if you want to switch up the rooms (like turn the office into the new master bedroom and make the old master bedroom a space for crafts, kickboxing, whatever). I guarantee people will be happy to help you – tell your friends what you need. And, there are surely bored neighborhood teens who you can pay some money to haul his stuff out if you don’t want to look at it.
Whatever your next chapter looks like, it will be better than this, and in the hardest times, please remember you made a really good and brave choice for yourself. We are all rooting for you.
Anon
Another idea – think of what will make the house feel like a hopeful and alive space. For me, that would mean regular fresh flowers and good music. Whatever that will mean to you is a worthwhile investment (and again, if you were my friend and said listen I need flowers here for next six months I’d be so glad to Place that order for you, so please reach out to your community)
pugsnbourbon
Oh hell yeah, flowers every week! Or one of those plant subscription services.
Carmen Sandiego
You’ve gotten so many great responses and I agree! Redecorate, fancy new mattress and bedding! Also, just hugs, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I have a friend who went through something so similar (down to the mistress staying in the house while she was away) while she was pregnant. It was horrible to go through, but a year and a half out she is in such a great place, and is so much happier and more herself than she’s been in a long time, so I’m sending good thoughts your way and hoping that as this passes, you’ll end up in that same place.
Equestrian Attorney
Oh friend, I’ve been there (slightly different circumstances, but similar feelings of betrayal after having gone through hell for at least a year). I moved out, but second the recommendation to redecorate completely. Do you have several rooms? I might consider switching my bedroom with another room, unless you have a clear master. Buy all the furniture, decor etc. that you loved and he didn’t like. Burn all the bedding (not literally, unless you can do it safely and it will make you feel better) and get new fresh sheets. Remember that this was always your home, and that her presence for less than two days will never override that fact. It will be even more so yours once he is gone and you make it your own.
Also, this will sound woo, but I read an article about someone who went on a big solo hike after a divorce, and at the top of the mountain, sat there and deposited all their feelings of grief and anger. I’m the least woo person ever, but I still found myself on a solo hike, sat at the top of the mountain and cried for about an hour, and I swear that as I was walking down, that burden felt a little lighter to bear. Time heals the rest – I know this will sound trite since you are still in shock, but I am a million times happier than I was a year or so ago and can’t really believe I made myself miserable for so long.
Anon
I’m so sorry this happened to you. All the advice above is excellent. Just wanted to add that The Chicks’ new album may be worth checking out if you haven’t already—lead singer Natalie Maines was cheated on and the album they created as a reaction to her divorce is pretty incredible.
Aunt Jamesina
+1, their new album is great (and I’m not typically a country fan).
Anon
It’s SO GOOD, definitely give it a listen.
anon
Yes!! Tights on my boat in particular is worth a listen in this situation
Anonymous
Maybe visit the Chump Lady website for a community that’s been there. There’s a “When they cheat in your home” article … which advises you to “burn it all down” but some comments are directed towards reclaiming your space/describe how others did it.
anonforthis
As someone who is going through an similar situation (a year out) I second this website. Seriously something to keep in your back pocket.
Anonymous
Think about it as YOUR home. As you fill it with new memories, it will get much easier. Look at it as a point of strength that you’re able to keep it and let that pride fuel you through the tough times until you’ve had new parties, new experiences with friends, new holidays hosted. Redecorate how you want. Over time, you’ll come to recognize it was you who belonged there the whole time. It’s him that wasn’t the right fit.
Daffodil
These are all such good ideas- thank you all! It has made my morning (after a largely sleepless night) better.
While I am hurting so much right now (extra therapy sessions for me this week!), there is a sense of relief that I finally have clarity, after months of giving him space to supposedly work on himself and wondering what was going to happen. I love all these ideas on how to move on. Thank you!!!
Airplane.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. No one deserves to be gaslighted, it is so, so, so cruel. I’m happy you’ll get to pick from the many great ideas to re-establish your home as your space and make it a happy place again.
Anonanonanon2
All of this!
Good, deep cleaning.
Get great speakers or a sound system. Blast your podcasts, your music, whatever! while you rearrange everything. This is YOUR space, you don’t have to worry about if it’s bothering someone else anymore!
Fresh flowers!
Jo March
Sending you hugs!! You can do this, you’ve already done the hardest part of kicking him out. I think SA says this, but the only way out is through, and we’re here to cheer you on as you do this. You did nothing wrong, and you deserved better from your ex. Your life from now on will be something you shape based on what YOU want.
The original Scarlett
I used to have a ritual that I called “taking it back,” which is what people are describing here (redecorating, etc.), I’d add to he house your coffee shops, restaurants, all the things you love. I used to say in my mind the literal words “it’s mine, I’m taking it back” when I changed things up and went to places I loved that we’d gone to together. Sounds silly, but it worked. If you’re in a position to, I’d also consider adopting a dog – they bring so much unconditional love, which you might really need right now. Sorry you’re going through this.
Amber
Oh my gosh – I am so sorry to hear this. I can’t imagine how devastating this must be. Sending you lots of hugs and support!! Feel free to vent here anytime. I think you have gotten good advice here (I love the idea of a Catholic blessing of the house after he leaves and also redecorating). Keep your head up and keep us posted on how you are doing.
Marie
I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Will be sending you warm thoughts. You are strong and will get through this. If I’ve learned anything from my time on this board, it is always better on the other side of these devastating situations and women are so resilient when they need to be.
anon4this
I am so sorry. I haven’t followed the whole story, but I am curious about how did you decide to kick him out after the cheating (vs. stay and try to repair the relationship)?
I am wondering how it is that people to decide to leave vs. stay after cheating? My husband cheated on me last year and it was to hell and back, and he has been so remorseful and making amends, and my solution at the time was to stay and work on things and decide later (we have kids, he’s a great guy one very way except for the cheating), but a year later and I am very happy with him in the moment, but just can’t forgive him so I am still not sure whether to leave or stay, bc I just can’t seem to forgive him and I am distant emotionally and angry (even if I don’t show it)
Daffodil
OP here- it would have been different if it was only the cheating (although, I still likely would have kicked him out- esp since he brought her to our house). Here, I knew there was something going on with him in early December, but with the death of my close family member and the holidays, I didn’t sit down and force it out of him until a month later. At that point, he said he had anxiety, etc about our marriage- there was nothing wrong with our marriage, but since we got together when we were so young and hadn’t been with anyone else, he had these existential doubts.
So, I gave him time to process and think. We did see a couples counselor, but she ultimately said husband had to decide whether he was in or out before we proceeded. He has suffered from similar anxiety episodes before, and this seemed similar.
During that time, he watched me cry myself to sleep many nights and have to get a weekly therapist. That’s the part that kills me about this- he could have prevented all my suffering and let me start moving on in December, but instead lied and watched my pain.
Mal
Agree on redecorating to make it YOUR house. Cheapest most dramatic change? Paint. Go nuts. Go can always change it!
Anon
You’re bothered that she was there, but it’s your husband who was and is the terrible person. Say it with me, he’s a terrible person. He cheated on you and lied to you for a long time, and made you feel like it was your fault.
You can think of him leaving as protecting your adored house from his energy.
A
Get a new mattress
My bestie threw out her marital bed and got new duvet
Some new pictures
Don’t let them ruin your house
Ses
Just wanted to add my sympathy for this loss, and also tell you that you can decide that this was always your home and not his. You love it, and he was like a temporary pest problem. Rats invite their friends over too – you get over them when they leave.
Jane
I am really really struggling with night time munchies. I keep reading everything online about “100 calorie” snacks but thev ones I’m trying are not doing it for me. Do you’ve any favorite night time healthy snacks you swear by? I usually crave salty/spicy/savory/crispy instead of sweet and creamy.
Anonymous
If you aren’t hungry don’t eat! I hate to say it, but nothing good comes of this and limiting portions at night is a challenge. If you have to have something, go with five Triscuits, don’t eat from the box (put it on a plate), and don’t eat standing or in front of a TV you are watching. If you do any of that, the whole box will disappear and be added to your Covid-15.
Anon
+1 my rule for snacks after a 8:30 p.m. is baby carrots. If I don’t want to eat baby carrots, I know I’m not actually hungry!
Anon
For savory, salty, spicy what about the baby carrots with hummus?
What about a salty/savory drink? V8? V8 with vodka LOL. Add some celery to be real fancy. When you are done, brush your teeth.
PolyD
Baby carrots (or regular carrots) sprinkled with smoked salt are surprisingly tasty and satisfying.
Anonymous
Baby carrots with yellow mustard.
Anonymous
I’ve done this with oatmeal as the snack.
Anonymous
My go to is baby carrots dipped into an individual hummus cup (sprinkled with red pepper flakes if I am craving spicy). If I am super munchy I follow it with a crunchy fruit like an apple.
anon
Yeah I think your best option here is to simply not have any food after dinner.
Anon
Completely agree. Going to bed earlier, or least GETTING in bed earlier, has saved me with this. No good ever comes of snacking after dinner for me. I just start my bedtime routine really early and allow myself to indulge in extra time for skincare or reading in bed. A different kind of indulgence, but one that keeps me out of the kitchen.
anon
+1 this is what I do too.
Anonymous
I got in the habit of keeping cut up peppers and hummus available. You can eat quite a bit if the feeling you are after is chewing/eating. I like it way more than 100 calorie packs, which disappear too quickly! Popcorn is good too.
Clementine
Cold sliced cucumbers with salt and vinegar, strips of bell pepper, and (for something sweet) those 35 calorie ‘only fruit’ popsicles.
Airplane.
roasted seaweed snacks, salty umani flavor, crunchy and usually satisfies my urge to eat chips. The ones from costco are 100 cal if you each the entire pack (lol it says each pack is 5 services of 20 calories each but I’ve never opened one pack and not eaten the entire thing.
Carrie
+1
One of my favorite Costco purchases.
Very satisfying and guilt free.
I also eat the entire pack lol.
Anonymous
A little bit of cottage cheese.
Anonymous
I brush my teeth after dinner. Unless I’m really hungry, the thought that I will have to brush my teeth again usually prevents me from eating anything else.
If you are really hungry, go for protein-rich snacks like nuts or cheese.
DLC
+1. I do this too.
Aunt Jamesina
In the summer I love a good sliced tomato with salt and pepper as a snack.
Curious
Are you getting enough protein and fat at dinner? And does eating relieve anything (headache)? Sometimes I just need an Advil … chewing helps relieve jaw and sinus pain from allergies that gets worse at night.
Anon
My doctor recommended smoked salmon. So sometimes I have smoked salmon rolled with cream cheese and some capers. Not crunchy/crispy, but I have no portion control w/crispy snacks!
Anon
i do decaf coffee. it really helps curb cravings. otherwise, i like the 100 cal packs of cashews or almonds or popcorn
Pink
Since no one has mentioned it yet, I like no butter, lightly salted popcorn. A friend started ordering weird flavored (v spicy) popcorn pff Amazon and he said it’s fun and different.
Walnut
Yes! Popcorn is the answer.
anon
If you have a decent spice collection, you can play around with sprinkling random things over your popcorn. I personally love chipotle chili powder on mine.
Anon
I’ve been listening to the Phit-n-Phat podcasts somebody recommended a while ago, and I just heard her say that when you are tempted to snack, tell yourself “this is an opportunity for me to love myself” (maybe not those exact words but similar) and just forego the snack.
That said, I love fresh, raw sugar snap peas and they are VERY low cal.
Shopaholic
What about tea? You can get a flavour that is slightly spicy/savoury.
Anonymous
I think they might be more calroies so you might want to preportion them out so you don’t eat the whole bag, but spiced crunchy chickpeas. Saffron Road is the brand my grocery store sells, and they have different flavors.
Marie
Cucumber slices with sea salt sprinkled over them is a good salty, crunchy option. It sounds like a weird combination, but refreshing and not heavy to eat right before bed.
Anonymous
If you must have something, try to go with protein and eat slowly. It can be satiating very quickly. Suggestions: almonds, jerky, lunch meat, cottage cheese, high-protein & low-sugar yogurt (e.g., Siggi’s). Popcorn is my other suggestion that is not a protein source.
fallen
What about eating dinner super late? I eat dinner super late (9 pm at the earliest, usually closest to 10-11) which helps me avoid late night snacking. Maybe not ideal, but keeps my calories for the day lower. Also have a late lunch which helps with this. Another idea is to do things that are incompatible with eating (phone calls with friends, yoga, meditation)
Anon
Make sure you’re eating enough at dinner. Like some healthy fats for a feeling of satiety, make sure you have enough proteins, and that your carbs are complex and break down slowly, not causing you to have cravings a few hours later. Give yourself permission to eat a little more then.
Then when you crave a snack, you will know you’re not actually hungry and it is just a habit to have something at that time. Try really hard not to give in to it for a week. They say 7 days of something forms a new habit.
Anon
My go-to I’m hungry to snack things are red pepper strips. If you want something more than that I like sliced turkey with cucumbers or red pepper + chili garlic powder, or eggs (I do egg whites + 1 egg) with salsa. I’m a big midnight snacker, it’s not a thing for me to not want to eat at night, so I basically just don’t eat until 1pm and budget for my 9pm-11pm snack burst.
Airplane.
Paging yesterday’s coffee break Anon poster about The Ordinary skincare products – I left a longer comment late last night so I wanted to make sure you see it. I listed some comparitive products that have the same active to each of your curology products.
CountC
I just left my routine there too!
Airplane.
Court C – How do you like the Vitamin C Suspension 23% + HA Spheres 2%? There’s a powder now and so many options. I’ve had good experience with the moderate potency Magnesium Ascorbyl Phosphate 10% because I think I prefer a cream application. But I might try the one you have or the powder which are highest potency.
Have you tried anything from Hylamide? I’m a big fan of their subQ eyes, high efficency face cleaner (replaced my TO squalane TO cleanser) and I’ve been using heel chemistry on my feet and sticking them in cotton socks every night and really liking it (especially during salon closures when I couldn’t get my regular pedicures!)
Airplane.
CountC*
CountC
H! I really like the Vit C Suspension. Sometimes it feels a bit grainy in my fingers, but once it’s rubbed in it absorbs very well. I occaisionally have tingling, but I like it (because I am a weirdo).
I use the Hylamide Photography Foundation religiously. Often, I use it on its own, but more often I mix it with a bit of The Ordinary Serum Foundation. I haven’t felt like I need to bump up yet from TO to Hylamide, so haven’t delved into more of those products (yet). Good to know about the cleanser and heel chemistry!
Airplane.
Oooh interesting about the Hylamide photography foundation. I will have to try. You’re not a weirdo! I don’t mind a slight tingle either – and my derm says this does not mean it’s harming or that your skin is too sensitive for the product so that makes me feel better.
I religiously use the TO serum foundation plus Hylamide HA blur primer plus sunscreen on my face everyday – it’s like the perfect combination of lightest coverage, slight dewiness from sunscreen but still feels like my own skin and doesn’t feel like I’m wearing makeup – this combination is like what I always wanted tinted moisturizer in the early 2000’s promised to be never delivered.
CountC
Your blend and my blend are attempts at achieving the same goal!! I have stopped using powder to set and use cream blush now and really like the dewy look I get.
Anon
I’m OP from yesterday’s post and I have to say it’s cracking me up watching you skincare nerds go back and forth (I say nerd endearingly)
Anon
Not OP from yesterday, but I think you guys may have contributed when I asked about the Ordinary last week. My first shipment from Sephora is on its way now!
Anon
Thank you! I’m OP of that post and wanted you to know that I saw your comment here and there, and really appreciate it.
Paging yesterday poster with friend with high needs child
I hope you see this as i didn’t have a chance to chime in yesterday, but my mom was your friend (minus the whole pandemic). My sister had a lot of emotional challenges, there was a period of time when my mom spent half her workday on the phone with school or had to go to school to get my sister etc. (my dad is a doctor so harder for him to step away in the middle of the day). I would tell your friend to do everything she could to stay in the workforce. You mentioned that she doesn’t really want to stay home. The short and long term impacts on her mental health and marriage from staying home with both kids, along with the longer time financial implications. If your friend is already on solid financial footing and she and her spouse have fairly secure jobs, i would take a frugalwoods look at their budget and consider eating into savings for this year to make it work. good luck to them. They are in a tough situation
Anon
+1. This is my life too. My special needs kids are older now but I still need full time help with them. My work has been my sanity. Yesterday my late teenage son’s school reopened for the first time since March. It was one of the happiest days of my life lol. It’s really easy to feel guilt that we are not giving our kids “enough” educationally, but 3 days of school are better than none. Raising special needs kids is hard – raising them in a pandemic is impossible. Work may be almost a form of self-care, so don’t step away if she doesn’t want to.
Anon
“Late” as in he’s in his late teens, if that wasn’t clear
SmallLawAtl
Not to mention that having a special needs child is extra-tough on a marriage, and she will be better off financially down the road if she ends up a single mom and is capable of being financially independent (and I say this as the second wife of SN parent).
Anonymous
Thanks, that was me! I was actually thinking about re-posting since it was late yesterday but I didn’t want to re-hash the whole thing.
It’s really hard to watch, and I have no first hand experience. I have young kids but my job is extremely flexible (and I am very senior and have a lot more control over my day than others), I have a parent that lives nearby and can help in a pinch, and my kids are neurotypical.
I think she and her husband have really butt-in-seat jobs and she for sure is a “do-er” (vs me, a “strategic discussion haver” and “work assigner”) and don’t have the time to stop and devote focus to getting the kind of support/resources that are available for their special needs kid. I know they have spend the past year or so just chasing a diagnosis/ working on therapies etc. and have had him in daycare but public school is a whole new beast.
Anon
You are a really good friend!
Anonymous
We try. We’ve offered to take their 3 year old for playdates, and we have them over as a family to play with our kids. Their son is actually generally extremely well behaved when playing outside with my kids (and my oldest is older than him and we’ve talked about her role as “helping X learn how to be a good friend” which she has taken as a personal mission vs being annoyed at his admittedly annoying behaviors). Unfortunately, I know we just see the good behavior and not the bad/hard stuff- they take him home if/when it looks like a meltdown is brewing.
We live in the same town and I’ve recommended a few of our sitters, but as you may imagine, it’s not always an easy job (on good days it’s 2 high energy kids acting out because their parents are WFH; on bad days it also includes some tricky behavioral challenges). Our kids are distracted to different elementary schools so I’m no help with school-specific resources and they are in different grades, so I can’t even offer to buddy up and share a teacher for remote learning–as we are doing with some other friends.
Anon
I’m not sure if her son has a formal diagnosis yet but what about home assistance programs through non-profits or social services. When we were young, my husband worked for a company called Living Innovations in Maine. He would spend a few hours per day, several times per week with an autistic boy. It was basically respite care in the home, similar to a mother’s helper. Mom was still around if there was a major problem but my husband was supposed to do his best to entertain the kid while leaving mom alone. They also took kids with severe behavioral issues. My husband had a brick chucked at his head once!
Anonymous
If they have an IEP, can they push the school district for more assistance? Can they get in-home occupational therapy on non-school days, for example? Regardless, I agree with the other commenters that the mom should not quit if at all possible given the long-term financial repercussions. Kindergarten used to be half day or entirely optional, so if he gets 3 days a week they shouldn’t feel bad not doing schoolwork the other 3 days. And I bet a lot of kids are going to repeat kindergarten after this year.
Anonymous
What’s your opinion on heels, and has it changed over the years? After 4 months without wearing heels, and probably another 2-6 months before I have to go back to business dress, I’m thinking about switching to mostly flats or low heels. I have heard some women say they wish they hadn’t worn them, and others say they don’t think flats are professional… I can’t wear super pointy toe flats but grabbed a couple “almond” toe pairs. Any style suggestions and thoughts welcome!
Anonymous
I used to wear heels probably 75% of the time (and always pretty tall heels— 3 to 4”, which looked pretty proportional on my 5’9” frame). I moved to a more casual work environment and while I sometimes miss how awesome I mentally felt wearing them, overall I’m much happier in flats. Until March, I basically lived in point-toe Rothys, and my feet and legs are grateful.
Anon
I liked them because I enjoy being extra tall, but I’m pretty picky about how all of my shoes fit my feet so I won’t buy just anything. I will wear super comfy heels or flats. In my younger days I had an extensive shoe collection but I don’t wear heels that much anymore because I think styles have changed and my feet widened and spread out, so I’m hard to fit. FWIW I think flats are very professional. I don’t really see senior leadership at my company wearing heels. I think of lots of heels as a younger career type of style.
anne-on
I have have early onset arthritis in my knees and have almost entirely swapped to low heels or flats. They seem to go in and out of style, and kitten heels with pointed toes are my personal favorite heel shape. The key really seems to be in finding ‘formal’ materials. I love and wear Rothy’s but only for more casual days and/or events when I’ll be walking miles on concrete floors.
Kate Spade, Boden, and Ann Taylor are my personal favorites with Boden seeming to have the best ‘formal’ flats in fun colors and styles – and for my feet they are the most comfortable. I’ve bought some gorgeous green leather/burgundy/colorful suede shoes from them. I have an earlier version of these in solid colors and they are SUPER comfortable and I wore them into the ground. I intend to sale stalk these ;)
https://www.bodenusa.com/en-us/sienna-t-bar-flats-navy-gold-metallic-snake/sty-a0735-nav?cat=C1_S2_G11
Airplane.
4 months without heels and I don’t miss them. I will likely cull my collection and toss anything too high or has any toebox discomfort and only wear the few pairs I keep for special events. I’m 5’4 so even 3-4 inch heels aren’t fooling anybody. I will likely stop wearing them at the office unless I’m presenting.
CountC
I LOVE them, but I make no judgment on what other women choose to wear! :)
If you don’t want to wear heels, flats all the way.
Small Law Partner
Yeah this. I wear all kinds of shoes to work though, everything from 4 inch heels to more conservative pumps to block heels to flats to loafers to booties. Pre-Covid, heels were probably 3 days a week for me.
Anonia
I wore heels a ton early in my career, but hit my late 20’s and just…stopped. I got tired of sore feet and had bouts of plantar fasciitis. I have a casual job and have been wearing casual sneakers the last few years, but lately realized how much I missed my ballet flats from college. I’ve picked up a pair or two, even though they aren’t at the top of the style lists. I used to buy cheap flats, but I’ve been looking for supportive ones now. Heels are for events (if this ever happens again) and the occasional grocery store trip in lockdown when I’m going crazy and need a change.
anon
Honestly, I hate them and I’ve always hated them. I don’t believe for a second those people who say they have “comfortable heels”. But because for some reason they do read nicer and more professional (and I’m on the shorter side) I was wearing them on the important days, but I leave them at work and commute (car commute even) in flats. Most other days I wear flats. I’ll probably continue this practice whenever I go back to the office.
anon
Same here — never been able to walk in heels and have always found them terribly uncomfortable. Low heels look frumpy so I have always preferred flats.
Never too many shoes...
I am one of those people that you do not believe…I only have pain if I am standing for hours, but for regular office work, my work shoes feel the same as any other shoes would. I love heels and miss how they make me look and feel. At work, I wear heels every day for both formal and more casual days. I am just under 5’6 in bare feet but love a 4 inch heel. If extending height by way of plastic surgery was an operation like breast augmentation, I would have done it years ago.
Airplane.
I believe you. Some women just are more senitive to heels and experience foot pain more than others. I had friends from college and in my 20’s who literally could not wear heels and could NOT for the life of them walk in heels whereas I just shrugged and it wasn’t that bad and I don’t even think twice about walking around the office in heels. I don’t want to stand for hours but loved wearing them around the office. I still will cull my collection to the ones I truly love because I think I held on to too many pairs that were not the comfortable heels.
LaurenB
I wore heels daily in my 20s and 30s, when officewear was still business dress (and “proper shoes” were plain navy or black — I pushed the envelope by wearing pumpkin-colored suede and even slingbacks on occasion!). However, the older I get, the more junior heels look to me — pointed-toe flats or stacked wedges seem perfectly fine and modern, and the old 3-4″ heels look more like either party-wear or 20-something playing dress up.
Anon
If you have flat feet, heels are less comfortable for you. I have very high arches and find heels to be comfortable, so long as they are high quality and not $10 on the DSW discount rack.
anon
I wore them a lot when I was more junior and felt like I needed to assert authority. Today, I defer to flats or v low heels for non-client facing days and wedges when I want to look extra polished for an important meeting. I haven’t worn a pair of stilettos in a few years. I also reserve ballet toe flats for commutes for the most part as I find them to read young generally.
anon
I used to wear them because I felt like that was what professional women did (rolls eyes) but eff that noise. I don’t enjoy them, and they hurt my feet. A slight heel — like 1.5-2″ — is more comfortable to me than straight-up flats, but anything beyond that? Can’t see myself doing that again.
Anonanonanon2
I love them. I miss them. I’m one of the people no one believes who has “comfortable heels” or actually finds them more comfortable.
However, flats hurt my back. I am a retired professional ballet dancer (“retired” after 1 year when I realized that I would have to actually Retire by 30 and teach forever and I was not about that life) so my body is all sorts of messed up anyway, I’m sure.
cookie dough
I used to wear all sorts of god awful heels in my 20s but finally realized the bloody and mangled feet weren’t worth it. I still prefer the look of heels but am now very picky about what brands and types I buy, compared to back then when I’d buy anything cheap. I recommend naturalizers and franco sarto as very comfortable heels. I typically buy wedges, and my preferred height is about 2.5 inches. I actually find totally flat shoes uncomfortable and need just a little lift, so I’ve been able to find some heels that fit the bill.
I’m actually wearing some franco sarto wedge sandals now, and they’re cute as heck.
LaurenB
I don’t understand the “bloody feet”. I get how wearing heels can be painful after a while, but why bloody??
COOKIE DOUGH
Blisters and severe rubbing which throughout the day would lead to skin getting worn down to blood. :(
Anon
I love heels, but neither heels nor heeled posture look especially fashion forward to me for daily outfits.
Anon
What do you mean by heeled posture?
Anon
Just the effect of wearing heels on the whole body line. I don’t know what the words for it are! It’s most visible to me in a sleek wrap dress; the line of my back, neck, and waist look different in higher heels vs. flats or lower heels.
COOKIE DOUGH
That’s odd because I like my posture better in heels. I stand up straighter.
Jo March
I’m 5’1″ and no longer wear heels in professional environments, even for interviews. I do keep my work flats separate from my fun/casual flats – my work flats are typically almond or pointy toe and look formal and polished in neutral colors (black and gray only) compared to my fun flats, which may be bright colors and patterns, in casual fabrics like faux suede, or have bows. Given my height, I sometimes feel like I look young next to my colleagues, especially when we’re standing and the height difference is more apparent, but I make up for that by not wearing overly feminine clothing or jewelry at work. I tried for years to make heels work for me, but my feet just can’t take it.
As for suggestions, I’ve found that leather loafers can work as well. They’re not my style, but they look great on the women I work with. Another tip is to try the flats on with specific pants. With longer pants, some of my flats look like heels from the front. With dresses/skirts, I wear black leather ankle booties, as my feet can handle a 1-2″ heel for that type of shoe.
Anonymous
I wear heels because I am not quite 5’6″ with a small frame and work with a lot of very traditional men (judges, lawyers, older Ph.D.s). I find that it’s easier to assert myself (and to be intimidating when necessary) when I appear a bit more physically imposing.
Senior Attorney
I used to wear sky-high heels even though they really hurt my feet.
I gave up shoes that hurt quite some time ago but continued to wear high heels as long as they were reasonably comfortable. More recently, in the past 2-3 years, I’ve switched to mostly block heels or kitten heels. (Strangely, I find totally flat shoes to be the least comfortable of all due to a neuropathy in my right foot.) I plan to continue the de-escalation but don’t see myself ever going completely flat or giving up high heels entirely.
pugsnbourbon
I very rarely wear heels to work – more of a boots/loafers/oxfords kind of job. The heels I do still wear all have block heels – I never got the hang of skinny heels – and I always add a ball-of-foot cushion.
Anon
I don’t wear stilettos because my office is far too casual, but I love a heeled chunky boot in the fall and winter. I lean towards flats in the summer.
Anon
Agree! I am over stilettos and pumps, but I still love a good heeled boot. Seems more timeless and versatile
Anon
Heels can bite me, 100%. I am done, done, done. And yes, one Morton’s neuroma and continuous plantar fasciitis later, I wish I hadn’t worn them nearly as much.
To be honest, I only really liked chunky, 1940s style heels for the last few years. I feel like the ubiquitous Louboutin stiletto isn’t really a professional, empowered woman look. The super high powered women I know don’t wear them. These days where I see them most often is on very young early professionals and Real Housewives.
Seventh Sister
I like wearing heels and don’t find them terribly uncomfortable, but I know they aren’t great for my feet. In the before times, I’d stopped wearing heels for driving and just wore the heels at the office. Since the pandemic, I’ve been mostly wearing flip flops at home, but when I go in I’ve been wearing wedges and espadrilles.I tend to slouch/feel less polished in very flat shoes.
Allie
Has anyone used a recruiter for computer or data science in NYC? I’ve had a bit of an unusual career path and I’d like to at least look into using one, but I’m not sure where to start.
Anon
I am so sorry that this is happening to you.
You learned this information this weekend. Give yourself some time to work through all of the emotions. In a few weeks, you might realize that you can’t stand another minute in the house.
If you’re determined to stay in the house, spend money on making it yours. To the extent that your budget allows: repaint walls, add dramatic light fixtures, renovate your master bathroom (if you have one), purchase new furniture and/or decor … focus on the rooms where you spend the most time.
You are strong!!
Anon
I’d like to get a silicone baking mat to put on my sheet pans to reduce my use of parchment paper and make clean-up easier. I see that Silpat is a recommended brand, but it doesn’t appear to be dishwasher-safe. Anyone have any recs? Dishwasher safe is important to me since I’m trying to make life easier here – would also love one with a rim/edge to help keep the actual pan clean. TIA!
Silly Valley
I can’t imagine being able to put a silicone mat in the dishwasher anyway – it’s so floppy it wouldn’t stand up and get clean. But the nice thing about the silicone being non-stick is that it’s super quick to clean anyway. Usually I don’t even need soap, I can just rinse it off with water.
I think I’ve got one that’s a proper Silpat and one that’s a mystery brand and I haven’t noticed much difference.
Anon
I put my Silpats in the dishwasher if there’s room. They are floppy but I just put them in as if they are two plates (essentially folded in half, but they don’t really fold). I don’t always run them in the dishwasher, but they develop a greasy feeling over time that hand washing doesn’t seem to remove, and dishwashing does.
I store them rolled in reused paper towel cardboard centers.
Z
I have a Target brand gray one. I don’t recommend, it doesn’t get clean for anything. Bake cookies on it once, scrub it, its still greasy. Dishwasher doesn’t help either. Definitely try a name brand Silpat.
Lots to Learn
Silpat feels greasy even when clean, too! I have 2 Silpat mats (because they get hot when baking cookies, and you want to let one cool while you use the second one) and they’re great. I rarely need to use parchment. I’ve never seen any that have an edge – they’re always flat. But when you’re baking or roasting, the edges usually don’t get that dirty, anyway.
Lyssa
I use my silpat on occasion when I want a really non-stick work surface, but personally, I don’t bake on it as an alternative to parchment. It’s too slick and non-porous; the effect is completely different. What you might consider is getting a stone baking sheet (a pizza stone or similar). Cook something greasy/buttery on it first (like biscuits or rich cookies), and it will be seasoned and very non-stick, but give you a great crispness as well. I use my pizza stone at least 3 times as often as I use my sheet pans for baking (things that are not pizza).
PolyD
Yes, took me a while to figure out that cookies baked on Silpats spread a lot, which I don’t like – I prefer a thicker cookie. I bake more than most people, but not so much that I go through reams of parchment. Plus you can use one sheet to bake a whole batch of cookies, so I don’t go through that much.
Anon
Mine are Amazon Basics and work as good as my mother’s name-brand ones. I’ve never seen any that could go in the dishwasher or have an edge, though. They’re floppy by nature and just won’t get clean without being washed by hand.
Anonymous
My amazon basic ones started having the silicone peel off within a couple months. Would not buy again.
Clementine
Team Silpat over here – really really easy to clean.
Airplane.
Hm… I will be honest I stick mine in the dishwasher. They are not a name brand and have held up. I just stick them in between my melanime plates so they sort of stand up.
anon
Same here!
Ribena
What are your use-cases for parchment? I basically only use it for cookies and then reuse it to stack the cookies in my storage tub. So I don’t mind using it too much.
For most other cooking I just put what I’m cooking straight in the roasting tin, and wash that up afterwards.
I could well be missing something – apologies if so.
SSJD
I have two and use them all the time, usually when roasting vegetables and tofu. Neither goes in the dishwasher (one is a French brand, one is less fancy). I highly recommend them but think that dishwasher safe is not realistic here.
Anon
I have several, both Silpat and the ones I am about to recommend. Around November or early December, Aldi usually features silicone baking mats in the weekly finds section. I think the price is $1.89. These are virtually identical to my Silpats. Both name brand and otherwise go in my dishwasher and have held up for years. I am also a parchment paper fan. I think things get crispier on parchment than on baking mats. I would not use either at temps above 400 degree.
Senior Attorney
I agree with the last part of this post. I’ve mostly stopped using my silicone mats. For roasting veggies I use the sheet pan bare and preheat it so it’s hot when the veggies hit it — makes a much better finished product. And for cookies I prefer parchment paper (which I save and re-use).
Senior Attorney
I put my Silpat in the dishwasher. I just kind of fold it over the racks and it works fine. And yes, they feel greasy even when they’re clean.
Anon
I bought a set at costco. Not sure of the brand, but they go in the dishwasher fine. They’re floppy but I either put them between plates (in their own slots, but the plates keep them from folding up entirely) or tuck each end into a different slot so it makes an arch shape.
This seems like the sort of thing where any mat that is actually silicone is going to be fine in the dishwasher even if it says it’s not. It’s not going to melt or anything.
NJorBust
We are thinking about moving to a house in the suburbs of NJ to get more space. Ideally, we would like to live somewhere with (a) a solid school system (intellectually challenging but not a pressure cooker); (b) economic and racial diversity (and ideally 10-15% Asian); (c) liberal values; (d) walkable to shops. Does this unicorn of a suburb exist?
Anon
Madison?
NJorBust
It’s funny: two people IRL have mentioned Madison, which I had never heard of! Any resources for getting to know the vibe of the town remotely? Also, the Asian population seems closer to 6%, though I know that could change over the next decade.
Anon
Are you in northern NJ, central NJ, or southern NJ?
If northern NJ, Ridgefield, Westfield or Fort Lee might work for you. Glen Ridge too (good schools, closer to Montclair would give you walkable to shops but economic diversity from adjacent Bloomfield). The whole “liberal values” is a question mark (looking at you, Maplewood and Madison).
NJorBust
So I grew up in Central NJ, but haven’t lived there for 20 years. We are moving to be closer to family and I am agnostic as to where in the state we end up. I actually really loved growing up in Central NJ — except for the walkable part. My husband has spent the vast majority of his life living in places where cars weren’t required, and so we are expanding our search. We don’t need to be walkable to everything — but a good coffee shop or a small deli within 10 minutes walking would be nice.
anon
Many of the eastern towns in Monmouth County are walkable. I grew up in Fair Haven and we walked or rode bikes everywhere. Indian population is basically zero though.
Airplane.
Haddonfield?
Anonymous
Isn’t that a Philly suburb?
Airplane.
And it meets her criteria? Haddonfield is a suburb in the state of New Jersey that has walkable shops area and OP said “I am agnostic as to where in the state we end up.”
Anonymous
To readers elsewhere, NJ is basically two separate states: Philly suburbs and NYC suburbs. Commuting is to go to one place and not the other. News comes from one, sports teams, airports, etc. Princeton may be the equivalent of the DMZ there. The accents are even different.
Anonymous
NJ is really, really weird, but I agree — it is two different states. I am from Morris County (suburban, west of Newark / Essex County). If someone were to direct me to Mt. Laurel (which is probably lovely) or places that I know are Philly suburbs, I might as well consider moving somewhere else where I have no ties but the taxes would be a lot lower (Ohio? Delaware? South Carolina). Culturally, they are two different places (and I did not realize that growing up there until I worked three summers on either side of the Delaware, but all in Philly suburbs) that I was treated as an outlander and like maybe in a couple of generations I’d be “from there” (even though my family was from New Jersey 20 years total). It was just . . . strange. Like the state has two law schools — Rutgers Newark (for NYC suburbs) and Rutgers Camden (for the NJ Philly suburbs). There is Seton Hall, but the state has two identically named law schools b/c in a state that is one hour side and two hours long, you can’t get by on one state-supported law school. Maybe it’s the state’s famously grabby politicians wanting spoils for their area, but you see a lot of crazy stuff like that. And, a mixed marriage is an Eagles fan marrying a Giants fan.
Airplane.
Maybe I missed it but did where did she say only NYC suburbs? I agree with both of you about NYC suburbs being distinct from Philly suburbs but when she literally said “I am agnostic as to where in the state we end up” I took it to mean the actual state of New Jersey not NYC suburbs (not a state?). Sorry OP if my suggestion is unhelpful.
NJorBust
Hi Airplane! Thank you for the suggestion. I am being serious when I say that I am agnostic if we end up in North or South Jersey. I haven’t heard of Haddonfield, but I will check it out!
Anonymous
NJ is a really diverse state — the town I grew up in had one of the largest Pakistani communities, by %, anywhere in the world. Ditto Lusophone parts of Newark. Asian is . . . what, exactly, to you? Korean? Indian? Pakistani? Chinese? Filipino? It exists. If it also needs to be rich . . . or rich-ish, Montclair (assuming NYC commute may eventually be needed) or Maplewood or an area that feeds into Northern Valley Regional. But I’d start with Montclair. The taxes anywhere with good schools may kill you (so maybe also look at Raleigh NC or Charlotte while you are at it, just to see how the rest of the world full of ex-NYCers looks).
NJorBust
Thank you! I’m Indian-American (and my husband is not), so ideally I would like to be somewhere with a South Asian population that is also tolerant of interracial couples. Because of family, we are looking at NJ only (though I’ve heard great things about Charlotte, Raleigh, etc).
anne-on
Have you looked at Edison or MetroPark (Iselin) then? Bonus is that MetroPark has an Acela stop.
NJorBust
I have! Edison is a little too close to home, and a little too car dependent for what we are looking for.
Anonymous
I grew up in NJ in a very small very Catholic town with lots of immigrants (very white and blue-collar, eastern bloc recent immigrants) and I don’t think even then an Indian-non-Indian couple would even strike people as interracial (black-white, yes). Inter-cultural was much more conflict-y within families (strife from aunties), espeically across generation (that Samira works outside of the home!) vs race, if that makes sense. I can’t imagine it would even be an issue now, even if you went out to Sussex/Warren/Hunderdon counties (they are whiter) — I think everyone sees doctors marrying other doctors and ditto with tech workers and it is NBD. How you make your rice or sauce — people still go to war over that.
Anonymous
Are there NJ suburbs that aren’t liberal? Especially if they have good schools? It’s New Jersey, not Utah or Idaho.
NJnative
Yes… especially once you start getting closer to the shore — very much Trump Country.
Anonymous
Really? Like Pineys or the gym-tan-laundry crowd? The state is liberal AF even among Trump fans, I’m betting. Like there may be wild inconsistencies within people. Even our republicans wouldn’t be republicans but for being in NJ.
anne-on
Are you going to be coming back into NY to work when this is over? If so – take a hard look at transport. The NJ bus system is historically challenging given the GWB, and not all of the towns have direct train access in (some you have to switch, or are only local, etc.). The areas with cute downtowns AND easy train/bus access is a shorter (and more expensive) list.
Anonymous
I think you’d want a bus that takes you into Port Authority or midtown somewhere or the financial district. GWB is near Columbia and a haul from anything else.
IMO, Boonton is the best walkable small town ever. They have the train and a bus to PA on a real Main Street. Other Morris County towns are nice, but Boonton manages to be both scrappy and charming and so, so walkable. It’s a bit further out, but worth exploring.
NJorBust
Thank you! Re the commute question: I just don’t know. My husband will be WFH indefinitely. At some point, I will need to find a new job, but given my industry (pharma), it’s equally likely I end up with a job in NY or NJ. To your point, we should probably keep optionality open re commute.
Anonymous
Look very, very carefully into the schools. It is extremely difficult to find good school districts in diverse areas that aren’t pressure cookers. We left the state because of it.
Anonymous
I would say, honestly, that there are only so many Northern Valley Regional kids that Harvard will take. OTOH, Dover High School kids probably get a second look. Ditto other more blue-collar towns. My high school was nothing compared to NJ’s fancy public schools and got kids into Ivies without also having them want to kill themselves trying. It’s different when you are at a school where a third of the kids go to the military or CCM (County College of Morris) and a third go to Rutgers / William Patterson / FDU and a third are going elsewhere out of state. It looks more like the rest of the US, honestly, in a very good way.
BeenThatGuy
I’d look in Ridgewood, Westwood, Ramsey, Oradell/River Edge (more diversity than the first 3 mentioned).
Tweeter
Summit if you’re rich and Scotch Plains / Fanwood if you’re not
Carter
What are your favorite personal finance blogs? Particularly if they’re more focused on younger or unmarried/no child people.
Anon
She rarely posts now, but My Open Wallet’s archives are worth a read. She started posting when she was in her early 30s (I think) and continues to post a few times a year now well into her late 40s. She is partnered but unmarried, no kids. She became financially independent by early 40s and now mainly lives off of her investments, but you can follow her net worth journey from the beginning. Super inspiring. I try to track my own net worth journey based on hers b/c our lifestyles are very similar. It’s amazing how it can really grow if you keep after the investing and saving.
Xin
The Luxe Strategist is my favorite personal finance blogger! Her content feels very targeted to a younger or unmarried/childless audience.
anon
Michelle is Money Hungry is a great one – she’s single, childless, and posts blog and podcast regularly.
B*tches get riches is hilarious and informative – two women who tackle all aspects of finances, including social issues. They are irreverent as their blog title suggests.
It’s not as regularly updated anymore, but the archives should be treasure trove: Get Rich Slowly. I appreciate his down to earth writing style.
Carter
I love B*tches get riches, this is excellent. Thanks! I love the socially conscious focus and very straightforward advice!
Toothapple
Bitches Get Riches.
No nonsense and very compassionate while being realistic.
One of my favorite post is titled “Santa isn’t coming and neither is your promotion”? or something similar.
Walnut
I think the new writer at Budgets Are Sexy is childless, but I haven’t followed too closely since the transition from J.
Small Law Partner
I like Financial Samurai and Mad Fientist. I’m also very into FIRE, so ymmv.
Pink
I got my samplize paint stickers yesterday! I have to admit, I like BM Mayonnaise the best. Thanks to the poster who recommended it! It’s still a gross name for a nice color.
Airplane.
Hahaha I literally read that as “bowel movement mayonnaise” I’m guessing it’s Benjamin Moore, the paint brand, right? Glad you found paint you like! I have fantasies about painting my entire house but then I just …never get it together to do it.
Veronica Mars
Glad you got it and liked it! I’d never heard of Mayo so I’ll have to file that one away for my next project.
Anon
That was me!!! Yay, glad you like it!! We’re about 60% done with our house and it looks beautiful in every single room.
Jules
Mine came yesterday, too – it’s a great service! Haven’t tried them out yet because they are for outdoors and it was pouring yesterday and last night, but I’m excited to put them up and get a really good look at the colors against the house.
Worried
I have mayonnaise in our second small bedroom and I love the way it changes in the morning and evening light – room face southwest— It goes from creamy white to a rich warm Glow in the evenings.
Worried
I also wanted to suggest ivory white by Benjamin Moore if anyone else is looking for a similar hue to mayonnaise. I have ivory white in the master bedroom and it is really similar to mayonnaise but slightly less creamy, yet still warm.
no
Anyone have success with one of those at home blue-light acne treatments? Or not have success and can tell us which ones to stay away from?
Flats Only
Not a blue light, but I got the little Neutrogena red light stick (one zit at a time) and it really makes a difference for large solo pimples that would take weeks to dry out. I use it twice daily along with my regular topical acne solution and it makes bad zits go away in a matter of days.
In-House in Houston
I have the same Neutrogena light stick. I saw it at Walmart one day and bought it on a whim and it really works. I used it when I see a zit starting and if I use it twice a day along with Differin gel, the zit never gets any bigger. I’ve looked for it again at stores to buy for my niece/nephew and I can’t find it any more. It may be available on-line. But it works great and super cheap – I think I paid $10-15 for it at Walmart.
roth ira
This may be a stupid question but can I find an option inside an IRA that’s like the money market bank account I currently have my money in? Basically, if I just want to earn like 1%, low-risk low-reward, how do I find a fund that will do that? It’s Fidelity if it matters.
Anonymous
Can you put it in a CD within your IRA?
Anon
I believe it’s under “Cash Management Options”.
Anonymous
Thanks…don’t see any option for this, just Stocks/ETFs or Mutual Funds. Maybe I should try their customer service…
Anon
Just logged into my account. Go to your portfolio and it’s the 7th tab from the left/3rd tab from the right. It says “Manage Cash”. My bad on “Cash Management Options”.
Anon
I’d look at C.D.s, interest rates are super low right now but you can probably find something at 1% if you’re ok having your money locked up
Anon
Ladies, I need all your email tips.
Pre-pandemic, most internal stuff in my office got handled by walking over to someone and talking to them, and external stuff by calls, or by automated scheduling stuff (from the courts). Now, everything is an email and every email cc’s 12 people and they all reply that they got it. A lot of this is external so I don’t have control over it. I’ve been taking time a few times every work day to clear everything out — put things on my calendar or to-do list and to delete file the emails (I used “filed” and “reference” folders — the latter for things I’m ver likely to need in the future). Trying to keep up with it as it comes in is impossible — it would mean I never get anything else done. I feel so overwhelmed by it! Please help.
Ribena
Are you able to set a filter for anything you’re Cc’d on, and just skim-read it a couple of times a day?
CountC
I automatically route anything I am cc’d on, except for things from my boss and my colleague in Europe, to a separately folder so it doesn’t clog up my inbox. Perhaps that will help? I check the cc box periodically, of course, but at least it keeps a good chunk of crap out of my main inbox.
The original Scarlett
Almost embarrassed to admit it, but I recently found the clean-up folder feature in Outlook, which deletes all those dupes automatically and leaves the top of the thread and any related emails w attachments.
Anon
Has anyone ever used a life coach? What did you get out of it and what didn’t you get? How do they differ from therapists? If you live in the DC area and used one you liked, can you recommend them? Thanks!
Allie
Ditto if you live in the NY are please!
Anon
Yes. Basically you set goals, and they hold you accountable. Having those check ins can motivate you to get things done that you might not have.
It’s good for an extra boost of motivation. Mine has moved on or I would recommend her, but you can easily do this remotely.
We did all kinds of questions to work through what I wanted and vision boards and set small goals to move toward the larger things.
Anonymous
This is not a new problem for me as I’ve been WFH for 5 years but I’m hoping someone has ideas! I feel like working from home I change my clothes so much each day. I might put on leggings/joggers and a jumper in the morning, change into work out clothes then later change to jeans and jumper to run errands etc. Then back into the comfier bottoms. I’m quite broad shouldered and don’t love leggings as pants if it’s not for exercise. I think I need a WFH uniform that’s comfy enough but still feels ok for going a walk or errands. I have quite slim hips and legs but a larger waist so a lot of styles that fit my waist are baggy in the bottom and look quite scruffy or overall loose.
Lexa
I think athleisure clothes you like is the answer to this. This is pretty much the situation they’re for. There are also a lot of shorts without buttons/a waistband on Target right now that strike a good balance between comfy enough for WFH but look like real clothes.
AFT
Would leggings/athletic pants with a tunic (so your seat is covered) work? That is my fall weekend attire. Dress up with boots, dress down with sneakers or flip flops.
I’m currently working from home and athletic wear, sundresses, or romper sets are my go-to’s.
No Face
I have a straight up and down figure with a thick waist (+ mom pooch). Simple t-shirt dresses are my WFH uniform. I own many waterfall cardigans already, so I wear one on top while I’m working. Comfy as PJs, presentable on videoconferences, cute outside the house. To match your example, I would wear: tshirt dress for work, then workout clothes, then back in the same tshirt dress + statement necklaces for leaving the house (walks, errands, etc).
anon
You can skip the first change probably, by putting on the workout clothes when you get up. Live in them for a few hours until you do your workout. Also, if you’re able to batch errands so as not to do them every day, I can see a lot of upsides in that, beyond changing less often.
anon
I wear leggings/joggers all day every day — I don’t bother changing to run errands. What about linen pants? They are very comfy but might offer a more put-together look if that’s what you’re aiming for.
OP
Thanks for the replies so far! I think I maybe need to invest in either some nicer leggings or joggers. I find higher stretch out at the knee so badly though, I know it’s the way I sit.
Anon
I have been anti-jumpsuits for a while but I am now a proud owner of 3! I have of the Unbound from Athleta (on sale for $40, comes in tall and petite) and one Patagonia one from REI. They are made material used for various athletic clothes and are very comfy. I wear them with medium support sports bra every day (Puma ones from Costco). I find this combination to be comfortable and suitable working out and running errands outside the house. Both jumpsuits have zippered pockets as well. I was wearing Lucy leggings everyday before and found that I didn’t like wearing something that fitted all day.
pugsnbourbon
+1 million to jumpsuits. I hopped on that train three years ago and haven’t looked back.
Anon
My WFH outfits are now about 90% Athleta travel and hiking clothes, especially the joggers and cropped hybrid Trekkie tights with stash pockets (I bought multiples). They are stretchy, durable, comfortable, sweat wicking, and don’t look like quite like actual workout clothes. Highly recommend Athleta despite the price, but if those don’t suit you, clothing made for travel or light hiking might be exactly the niche you have are looking for. REI has a lot of hiking/travel clothing.
Anonymous
Are there good resources for researching attorney salaries at small-mid-size firms? I remember my law school career services office would keep salary information about local law firms but I’m in a different market now. I’ve already checked the Vault with no luck.
Anon
Honestly, your best bet is talking to people in the market who might know. My husband is a partner at a medium sized firm and they operate on a “eat what you kill model” such that all partners take home whatever they bill (rather than dumping it into one big pot). This has its own advantages and disadvantages but basically the end result is that he’s had to work very hard to build a book pretty quickly since the other more senior partners don’t give him a ton of work now (especially now with the uncertainty of COVID). We are in a smaller market so I know that salaries on this kind of thing won’t be published anywhere. Do you know anyone currently working at the type of firm you’re interested in who could help or at least connect you to someone? Alternatively, you might seek out a recruiter, if your market is big enough. He or she would probably know.
Anon
Anyone watching Indian Matchmaking? I have so many opinions! And curious from any Indian or Indian-American readers how true to life this is.
Obviously they’re playing some stuff up for the show, but the biodata is real, right? I found myself wishing for a matchmaker on one hand (send me eligible, successful, marriage-minded men so I don’t have to do all the work!) but also having a lot of doubts about the cultural baggage that comes along with that. Lots of sexism—seemed like they were much harder on the women than the men—and colorism (what’s with everyone wanting a fair-skinned partner!?).
So my thoughts…
Aparna: She seemed so miserable in her status-chasing. She’s a country counter. The worst kind of traveler! And she takes great pride in her job, but she hates it, so she judges all other lawyers…
Pradhyuman: He was just not into the process and clearly not feeling ready to marry, let alone date. I was surprised that the matchmaker was relatively easy on him.
Nadia: My favorite! She was warm and fun and seemed like someone I’d want to be friends with. I hope she finds someone great.
Vyasar: Charming and sweet, but he just didn’t seem like the type to go this traditional matchmaking route. I was surprised he went for it. I am interested to see how it goes for him having a job that is not one of the typically valued Indian professions.
Airplane.
Yes, I watched this. It’s a reality show aspiring to be a docuseries. There’s a great slate article about it.
I actually think Aparna is the hero of the show, she doesn’t bend to the matchmaker telling her she has to compromise. Sure, she’s shown as a little negative on dates – she didn’t grow out of that thing teens do where it’s cool to hate on stuff, but whatever, she can decide she would rather be alone than with the wrong guy. Sima doesn’t see Aparna’s independence or career success and wide travels as a good quality, in fact, she thinks it’s a negative quality. All of the women who had successful careers or independent lives were sort of cast this way – Akshay – how will a woman who works have time to take care of my children. Ugh.
Of course Sima Autie was easy on Pradhyuman – he’s super wealthy (inheriting a diamond and jewelry design business) and a man. She’s so much harder on women in telling them they have to compromise what they are looking for to find a match.
Nadia! I’m surprised she wants to marry into Indian culture – her Guyanese heritage is seen so negatively. Whereas I feel like she has all the qualities that would make dating outside of the Indian culture super successful. But she wants the common ground of an Indian person, which also makes sense.
This show was so addicting but also hard to watch. I have zero interest in most reality shows, and esp hate dating ones (Bachelor and the like) but I watched this. I’ll probably watch the autism dating show next, which I hear is also done in a docuseries way instead of bravo/mtv style. I think it’s called Love on the Spectrum.
Anon
Interesting perspective on Aparna. I don’t think it was the fact that she was successful and well-traveled that made her unappealing—for me, it was her negative, condescending, judgmental personality! She said things like “There is absolutely nothing I need to evolve on or change” and her horror about some guy not knowing about the salt flats in Bolivia was insane. Not exactly a common thing to know about! I do think she may have been playing up diva-ish behaviors a little bit for the show, because she seemed to mellow out a bit in later episodes.
Akshay was the worst! Zero personality and his mom would be a nightmare mother-in-law.
Airplane.
I totally understand your view. I am probably cutting her a break because if you took sound bites of things I say to my girlfriends when I was dating around you’d probably catch something like that “he didn’t know that Macchu Picchu is in Peru” or “he thinks chain restaurants are good date options” some such nonsense. I think it’s ok to be judgemental when you are literally juding potential romantic partners! She’s looking for someone to fits into her life whereas Sima and cultural traditions is telling her she has to bend herself to fit a man’s life. I guess I liked that she just refused to do that, she liked her life and she liked herself. I agree that “There is absolutely nothing I need to evolve on or change” is silly but it sounded so much like an AP prompted her with a question.
Anon
I do think she’s easier on the men about compromising, but I also think that pradhuyman in particular doesn’t really have to compromise. I’m guessing that there are plenty of girls willing to marry pradhuyman even if it’s just for money.
On the other hand, a mid thirties, strong judgmental woman is not going to be very appealing to the average man.
Airplane.
Sure, but I’d rather be single and happy than stuck with a wealthy man who doesn’t think a strong woman is appealing and whose personality is basically a fancy car, fancy food and drinks and a “jewelry design” “career” that is just being born into a wealthy family. Shrug.
Anon
I got the feeling that the show was cut to emphasize Aparna’s weaknesses and make her look unappealing while dismissing similarly unappealing characteristics in the men.
Airplane.
Yes, I agree.
Anon
You ever notice how Sima tells all the women they need to learn to compromise, sends them to a life coach etc, but not the men?
I think Arpana is a freaking hero. She has an awesome life. Why should she compromise to be married to a mediocre man?
Airplane.
One more thing – I think everyone thinks Vyasar is so sweet and kind. But I look at him from the eye of a potential dater and sort of just see a man child? Like he is still really into comic books and painting figurines and he’s a school counselor (or teacher?) so he’s with teenagers all day which seems like where he thrives. This might just be my own biases, of course hobbies and hobbies and there’s nothing wrong with liking comics, it just makes him seem like a bad fit for all the women Sima matched him with.
I think it’s not just his job but also how he likes to do the household things the wife does traditionally – he said he wants to be a house husband and cook and clean and his wife can work and earn money.
Also, LOL at Sima being the most successful matchmaker in Mumbai – not a single match featured worked out. All are still single except one who met her guy on a dating app, not through Sima or any matchmaker.
Anon
You’re right about Vyasar. He does seem to be in a state of arrested development. I found him much more endearing than Akshay/Pradhyuman (but that’s not saying much!), but when it comes down to it, I would not want to date him. I would want someone more ambitious. Not necessarily a higher earner, but just someone who seemed more… adult.
I was, however, into that Chicago lawyer! He seemed great. #callme jk.
Anon
He seemed great but also slightly full of it, like he put down that he was willing to move but he has his own law practice so I doubt that he’s going to abandon that!
Airplane.
I wondered about that too – I think he “owned” his practice (solo or small # of partners of a regional and remote firnedly practice?) and has offices in a few cities in the Midwest so I wondered if it was just that he travels a lot for work already so he was willing to be based anywhere his wife was settled.
Anon
I know SO MANY GUYS like Vyasar. It’s really hard to imagine them being an equal partner in a relationship. Sweet and cuddly and all of that, but not fully adult.
Anonymous
I haven’t watched it and probably won’t but Indian-Am. Yes the biodata is very real. Yes all those kinds of things whether formal match making or aunties/uncles sending eligible guys your parents’ way is VERY tilted towards the man. If a man is a dr. he can be mean, ugly or whatever and the constant refrain if you turn him down is BUT HE’S A DOCTOR. I mean I have legit said before that someone was unattractive to me and my mother directly said “but he went to an ivy league school and is in biglaw.” Uh yeah but I wouldn’t be gardening with his ivy league degree but with HIM. The same standards apply to investment banker guys (because I’m in the NYC area so Wall Street is a big deal) and lawyer guys if they’re biglaw etc. But a biglaw female — yeah it’s — well she’s a little dark in complexion, she doesn’t cook — hmm IDK about that, she said WHAT to him — why is she so opinionated (and it doesn’t have to be that you said something terrible just that you had a REAL opinion that your intended didn’t like), or well how many years is she going to do this because it’s fine to work like that when single but a good wife/DIL should really have more of a 9-5 etc. It’s set up so you go into the marriage with the man having the upper hand. It’s changing ever so slightly though because like most communities Indian men aren’t necessarily as successful as they used to be as many are choosing to defy their parents and not be drs/lawyers etc. and many are lazier than prior generations so they are relying on the women to make $$$, yet there a TON more indian females making $$, doing the surgical residences etc. But you could be a heart surgeon and some auntie will still be like but she doesn’t make rotis, how will my boy eat, he’s used to homemade meals 2x/day??
I legit have a friend who was going thru this process while in med school and the future MIL was trying to influence her (as was the future groom) that she HAD to pick a specialty like family med, pediatrics, psych, or optho — you know something that’s 9-5 that’d have her home at a decent hour to make dinner and take care of her kids — but oh no her son could never give up his surgeon dreams but my friend should. Lol didn’t work — and now my friend is a surgeon and that guy didn’t make it thru his surgical residency and had to restart residency and go with a 9-5 specialty. It’s a fairly messed up process. I don’t think it’s the matchmaking itself that is bad — as you say it does provide a screening process and frankly it’d be ok if they introduced people and then stepped back and let it work out or not. IDK how the show is but IRL it’s the involvement of so many parents/aunties etc. who have attitudes straight out of 1950 and worse yet (for me) the ones who have always raised you and acted like they don’t have those beliefs and guess what — during this process you start hearing how they REALLY feel — well the “girl” has to compromise!? Uh you’re the one who wanted me to go to the ivys, biglaw, med school whatever and now that I’m successful I should set it aside for a guy I hardly know because you’d decided he’s the perfect son in law based on biodata? And btw if I’m getting married, I’m probably old enough to not be a girl.
anonymous
Indian-American as well. I HATE the obsession with being a doctor. My parents have friends who pushed their kids into med school and claimed racism when their daughter wasn’t accepted into one of the schools because her test scores weren’t good enough.
My cousins are in their late 20s and family is trying to introduce them to guys. They’ve turned down a couple of them because they guys were too dark skinned. *sigh* I hate how lighter skin is considered better in India. I would hope that attitude was changing and I’m surprised my cousins still have that attitude.
I moved to the US when I was around 3 years old and I never really dated any Indian guys. The ones I was around were always arrogant know it alls. I went the complete opposite direction and married a white guy who didn’t even go to college! Oh the horror. We’ve been married 20 years now and I’m thankful I had the opportunity to make my own decisions with regard to relationships.
Anonymous
This!!
I’m another Indian-American, and I’ve decided not to watch the show because I’m worried that it will trigger me. I’m too old (mid-thirties), too tall, and too educated (because the guys/parents of guys want a different power dynamic than they’ll have with an educated partner) to have an arranged marriage, but I spent my 20s afraid of being coerced into an arranged situation with really F@#$% power dynamics. It’s a shame because catering to the power play that is the arranged marriage situation also destroyed my parents marriage, which deprived me of a safer/loving home environment (which weirdly made my arranged marriage prospects worse and I guess saved me from an arranged marriage).
Now I’m in my mid-thirties and trying to figure out how to date outside the arranged marriage situation, but feel that I’m too conservative in my dating life to find someone beyond the community that I was raised with. I also moved to a small, blue-collar town (to escape the demands of a Big-law, big city lifestyle), where the only single guys are culturally dis-similar to me. I’m working on figuring it all out, but I’m not able to watch a show about Indian Matchmaking (or most Indian movies/TV shows) without being triggered.
Anonymous
I’m pretty sure you’re me/I’m you — except I just turned 40 so I’m really not eligible for an arranged marriage anymore. But back in the day when the parents tried yeah I was “too educated” or moreso “too into my career” as everyone wanted a 9-5 type not a biglaw type. Now I’m out of biglaw but was so disgusted by that process that by my mid 30s I quit and said there were no nice guys and even decent (forget nice) inlaws. And yet like you I feel way way too conservative to date white people — because compared to them I AM conservative. I feel like if a lot of these perspective MILs backed off, there would be some decent couples out there that wanted to be together, genuinely liked each other etc. — but noooo they weren’t right for each other because she doesn’t make rotis or is too dark or not the exact same socioeconomic level or religious sect or whatever. And then those same MILs who rejected every Indian girl out of hand because she wasn’t perfect then whine and complain that their son married an American and isn’t teaching his kids any religion or culture. Well . . . .
And because this is anon, what I saw of the arranged marriage in my own extended family– yikes. They claim to be happy but also say happiness isn’t a thing (?) and yet what you see is 100% women who had to compromise every little thing because the men wanted life a certain way and while most are nice and kind (so not screaming at their wives or anything), they are always passive aggressive so he ALWAYS ALWAYS got his way and didn’t compromise at all. I guess if I did that for decades, happiness would be a thing for me either.
anon
Fellow Indian-American here. +1 to arranged marriages working because the woman has had to compromise and sacrifice at every turn. This was what happened to my parents (so much so that as adults, my brother and I urged my mom to separate, and in fact we have a fair number of older arranged marriage couples in our community who basically live separate lives but remain married). My dad got everything he wanted for the duration of the marriage (even down to picking my brother’s and my names!) and my mom was left behind in terms of her career, her obligations to her family of origin, everything. I vowed to never have a marriage like that and that’s partially why IMO I got married very late in life.
I will say that I did not have the same experience as some of the posters above – I have an HYS law degree and most of the “aunties” who were trying to find someone for their son found that to be an attractive credential. That said, I went on a few “dates” like the ones on the show in my late 20s/early 30s and it was just a train wreck. One of the guys got upset if I didn’t text or call back within 1 hour and complained to his mom, who then contacted my mom to ask why I didn’t respond more quickly. And nearly every single guy I met with was unwilling to be geographically flexible and expected me to be the one to move – which I might have been open to but I wasn’t going to proceed with the assumption I would be the one to do it. In the end, I married outside my race and it was for the best. There were far too many cultural expectations that I was never going to meet (I don’t really eat much Indian food, don’t participate in the cultural/religious rituals and identify myself as Californian before anything else lol) and I found that most Indian guys I dated (even outside of the arranged marriage circuit) expected differently.
Anon
“I feel like if a lot of these perspective MILs backed off, there would be some decent couples out there that wanted to be together, genuinely liked each other etc. — but noooo they weren’t right for each other because she doesn’t make rotis or is too dark or not the exact same socioeconomic level or religious sect or whatever. And then those same MILs who rejected every Indian girl out of hand because she wasn’t perfect then whine and complain that their son married an American and isn’t teaching his kids any religion or culture. Well . . . .”
Not Indian, haven’t watched the show, but I know exactly what you’re talking about. I’ve seen it from family, extended family, and friends. Oh, he lives in North Carolina – does he have a twang? Your kids might have a twang. You’ll get a twang if you move down there, too. He’s three years younger than you, isn’t that a little weird? He goes by Jonathan and not Jon, what’s up with that? No one in his family had engagement parties, isn’t that declasse? (The man in question is brilliant, kind, an outstanding father, and became a tenured professor by 35. He’s also tall and handsome.)
At this point, I just bust out the popcorn and enjoy watching people like that. They are miserable, trying to make everyone else as miserable as they are, and actively sabotaging their family life so they can complain about how bad it is.
Anon
I LOVED how Ankita was like nope, I’m going to focus on my business after she was just treated terribly by that matchmaker with super antiquated views.
Agreed that I’d want to be friends with Nadia, I hope she finds a good match for herself!
Aparna was not my cup of tea (and a bit snobby), but I appreciated how she wasn’t willing to settle.
Airplane.
YES! I think Ankita is the only one coupled and she met him on a swipe app. Good for her.
Anon
i looked Aparna up on LinkedInout of curiosity and it doesn’t look like she’s been employed for a bit
Allie
She quit to start a travel agency, looks like her travel agency is off to a good start!
desi reader
Some part of me wonders if she just went on the show with the idea of getting publicity for her business. Some of her comments were so snobby that they’d make more sense if they were an act to avoid meeting a partner on tv.
Anon
Or this is a tv show that needed a villain so they played up anything unappealing about her.
JTM
I’m 6 episodes in and I’ve really enjoyed watching it, it’s been fascinating to me.
Aparna – she’s the definition of “marriage is another thing on my checklist”. I found her off-putting & needlessly snobby. Like when one of her dates said he wanted to go to Dubai & she responded “eww, why would you want to go there?” Like c’mon, that’s not the way to make a good first impression!
Nadia – I liked her the most, and it was interesting to see how matching her would be more difficult because she’s Guyanese. I hated how Vinny treated her when she seemed to really like him.
Pradhyuman & Akshay – both had the same problem of dealing with family pressure when they clearly weren’t ready to even date.
Anonymous
Agree with most of what you wrote, including the part where I wish I had a matchmaker! You didn’t mention Akshay, but man was he hard to watch – absolutely zero personality. The girl he was set up with could do so much better than him.
Anon
I am 99.9% sure Aparna either comments here or has commented here in the past.
Anon
if so, hey girl. I’m a fan!
Horse Crazy
Thank you all for the wedding suggestions and happy thoughts yesterday! So sweet :) It really is lovely to have a bright spot in this crappy time. And I definitely got the message and will not wear my ring to the barn!
Curious
Congratulations again :). Keep sharing the happy updates!!
Amber
Yes, keep us posted on things! Your post was definitely a bright spot yesterday!
The original Scarlett
Congrats! I read too to post yesterday but I am team many rings. I have my real ring, and a moissanite set that’s more durable for lack of a better description, and a lot of anniversary-type stacking bands – I wear a lot of combos depending on what I’m doing. This galls my more traditional friends but it works for me, so just tossing out there as an option. Also? Check out over the moon’s blog for a lot of sweet elopements happening now – personally I’d take advantage of the excuse built into pandemic times to run off and get married without offending people. Eloping is the most romantic thing I ever did.
Airplane.
I love everything about this. I want to elope and the stacking and moissanite all sound like what I will do with my rings.
The original Scarlett
<3
Sinus OP
Hey I saw Cat and Philly asking how I was on yesterday’s morning thread — you all are far too kind. Antibiotics did work. The fever was gone in 24 hours, and my energy is back. I worked (from home! As is our family’s new normal) yesterday. It was such a relief to not have to use vacation time for time off, as I am now out of sick days. And the best part was getting cleared to hug my husband :)
Honestly it gave me a huge amount of perspective. My anxiety, which is normally well-managed, was out of control without direct human contact and with the fear/ unknown of being sick for so long in a pandemic. I have new and deep empathy for everyone who is isolating in households of one and for the isolation and loneliness of elderly people. It’s horrible. I was so grateful for all your compassion. Thank you for this board.
AFT
I’m glad you’re feeling better! I’m someone who is not usually anxious and the world has really got me messed up right now, so you’re not alone.
Cat
So glad to hear it!
I was tested a week and a half ago out of precaution due to travel (have been home 3 weeks). Still waiting on results. No kidding about stress. Despite having no symptoms whatsoever and obviously the incubation period has long since passed, I’m still apprehensive when attempting to check for test results every few hours… and I am not normally like this!
Sinus OP
Ugh here’s hoping for a clear negative SOON. The waiting and wondering is the worst. And thank you again for being so kind Friday :). You really got me through a hard day.
Anon
If you do a lot of activities, how do you store the equipment in a city apartment?
My apartment is decent sized for being downtown (nonNYC/San Fran) but there isn’t a ton of storage space. Between my roommate and I we have: a bike (used daily for commuting), an exercise bike, home workout equipment (weights, yoga mats, resistance bands, etc), two tennis rackets, field hockey stick + shin guards, skis, hiking/camping equipment.
We keep bigger items in the burbs with our parents (surf board, camping equipment). We just like outdoors activities. Most of this is mine, so I don’t want her to feel like I’m taking over the apartment with my gear (though the skis are hers).
Anon
Keep things under the bed to the extent possible- that’s where I keep my skis. I organize my backpacking gear in one closet, but it takes up a ton of space – you might just have to embrace that since I don’t really see how you can properly store a sleeping bag without it exploding everywhere in the closet. I’d put all the home workout equipment in one crate that can be shoved out of the way somewhere so you’re not draping resistance bands over furniture, etc. I kept all my outdoor gear in a 550 square foot apartment with one other person for two years (and without a storage unit) so it can be done!
Cb
We have a bike nook that allows you to stand your bike on one wheel and I was sceptical that it would work but it works really well. Hooks on the wall are also effective but I appreciate this is harder for renting.
For loose exercise stuff, I think you need a tall container (maybe a planter) in your room that you can store stuff upright?
Aunt Jamesina
If you have regular weights, I’d replace them with PowerBlock weights since they’re nice and compact. I’ve had my set for almost three years and I’ll never go back.
Anon
My roommate has them! Which is helpful for storage , but not great for circuits. I have a few weights from before we lived together but mostly we use the power block.
Airplane.
WHERE ARE THESE IN STOCK? I’ve been trying to buy Bowflex Adustable Dumbbells or PowerBlock since pandemic closed all thegyms but they were snapped up everywhere and now there’s just questionable websites and insane surge pricing. So I’m stuck with my 1x 20lb, 2x 12 lb, 2x 8 lb, and bands and backpacks fill of old tax volumes for squats. And gallons of water.
anon
I went back to the office for the first time yesterday and it was … weird. Technically our building is still closed but we are allowed to go back periodically as needed. Masks are required and very few people have returned full-time, so it was a ghost town. And yet I was completely paranoid about surfaces because who knows who has been there and how frequently they’re sanitized. The common break areas are closed. I was hoping to regain a sense of normalcy and break up the WFH slog, but I don’t think I’ll be doing that again anytime soon. The home office is looking really good today.
Anon
That’s the part I’ve never understood – how is being in the office appealing right now? To me, it’s like this right now:
Home: Work at my desk without wearing a mask at all. No shared surfaces, kitchens, or bathrooms with anyone outside my household. No busy commute to worry about. No HVAC system. Talk to my coworkers on Zoom and Slack.
Work: Hour-long subway crowded subway commute touching shared surfaces and hoping my mask is protecting me against all the maskless people. Share elevator, bathroom, kitchen, and surfaces with coworkers there that day or the previous days and unclear cleaning protocols. Shared HVAC system with the entire large skyscraper. Wear mask all day despite the discomfort because it’s more stressful not to. Can’t enjoy lunch or meetings with coworkers because there isn’t enough space to distance safely. Wash hands nonstop. Do the commute in reverse in hot summer weather (making that mask even more fun).
Why would I ever go back?
anon
This is where I’ve landed after my one-day dry run. I lost time to driving, I had to wear a mask everywhere, and I couldn’t really relax. If this is truly what things are going to be like for the next however many months, I will be much happier at home.
CountC
Because people and their situations are different?
I have been working in the office since about three weeks after the major lockdowns started happening in my state. I hated working from home – I wasn’t productive, I was very very depressed (despite my regular meds), and was highly stressed. It was ruining the enjoyment of my home by having work at home (which I otherwise do not do). My commute is and will continue to be less than 10 minutes in my own car, there are approximately 10 people on a daily basis in a building mean to hold hundreds, so it’s extremely easy for me to never come within 10 feet of someone else. I have an office, so I don’t wear my mask except when I am going to and fro. I know the cleaning team and I know what additional precautions are being taken.
I will never accept a job that is exclusively WFH, but I do want the people who enjoy it to be able to continue to do it. Different strokes . . .
Anon
Yeah, I guess it’s different when you can afford to live close to work and when you get an office. It’s not so fun for the drones in cubes. I agree that it’s different strokes for different folks as long as your region has its outbreak under control.
CountC
Absolutely. I 100% think that if people can and want to continue to WFH, they should be allowed to.
anon
My commute is a 15-minute walk and I have a private office. Despite that, I have zero desire to return to the office, particularly if kitchens are closed and bathrooms are dirtier than in my home.
Then again, I’m one of the weirdos who has been absolutely thriving in this new normal, which has eliminated my need to get ready every morning (more sleep!), allows me to squeeze additional workouts into my day, and gives me the flexibility to have a healthy, home-cooked meal 3x/day.
Anon
I mean I have a bunch of friends who are dying to go back to the office because they can walk to the office and live in tiny studio apartments. The cube with a faster computer and two screens is a major upgrade.
Away Game
This is 100% accurate for me as well, down to the commute and known cleaning procedures.
Anonymous
this is me… I’ve gone into the office a dozen times. I’m a lawyer, but the rest of our building is now home to a bank tenant. So, out of like 40 floors, 38 are bank tenant and are empty. I take my own car, park in the building parking garage, walk thru the practically empty lobby with a mask on (required in the building lobby), wave to the two security guards that are in the lobby, and take an elevator straight to my floor with my office. There have been maybe 3-4 people in the office when I’ve been there.
I have plenty of space to spread out papers (I’m in real estate and deal with far more original documents/hard copies than most people), have the printer/scanner and copiers meant to print hundreds of pages, and have the quiet at the office. It’s so much more efficient for me to work from the office.
Anon
I have to say I drove in to my office yesterday and today bc of home tech issues (I in normal life take public transport) and it felt amazing for a brief break from WFH.
Why?
Kids.
And my husband even takes on almost 100% of the childcare during the day as he is a temporary SAHD. But still, the mom guilt when they come running up and want to show you or ask you something and you have to effectively keep shooing them away is no joke.
I also am one that is just not that skeeved out by surfaces though (I mean, I wash my hands but I don’t dwell on it), and there was almost no one there, so I didn’t have to wear a mask the whole time.
I will keep working from home otherwise though for the time being for the obvious benefits there. It was just nice for me for a short break.
Ellen
I can’t wait to go back, and have been in each week I have been in the city. Yes, it’s quiet and different, but the fact of the matter is that w/o alot of people, the place is probably safer then staying cooped up in a crowded apartement where all sorts of weirdos are walking around the hall delivering stuff or working on other apartements during the pandemic.
The manageing partner has tasked me with the responsibility of drafting a reopening plan. Right now, we are targeting the week after Labor Day. Since we have alot of open offices, we can socially distance by using these offices productively. I also have to go out and buy PPE for the firm. The manageing partner has told me to use my AMEX for both this and our Firm outing now scheduled for Labor Day weekend, and he will pay me back through the Paycheck Protection Program money we got from the Federal Government.
Anon
I have my own office (ie, not cubicle), my building is empty, I live a ten minutes’ drive from work, I hate my apartment, I don’t really believe fomite transmission is a thing, (but even if it were, no one has been in there), and I hate the feeling of not leaving my house every day.
Lots to Learn
I LOVED going back to the office when I had to a few weeks ago. So much room to spread out papers! Two monitors! All the supplies I needed! Paper files that I’ve been doing without! My colleague there who I could talk to in a large conference room without having to wear headphones! I would go back in a heartbeat, if it were permitted. I know I’m spoiled because I don’t have to commute by train, but just offering another perspective. I don’t mind working from home, but it’s definitely not as efficient or as pleasant (except for the chance to see my family more and have cats walk up and ask to sit on my lap).
Anonymous
Have you found that as your parents got older the relationship and every conversation became more about them and less about you? Don’t get me wrong. I understand that when kids are young, it is ALL about them. Probably a bit too much but your 2 year old can’t feed himself and you want to encourage your 1st grader to like school so of course you’re going to let her go on about what games she played at recess today. So I don’t mean that way but do you feel that when you got into your 30s or 40s or whatever — you parents ask about you but barely listen to the answer, don’t really care if you are talking about work, jump in immediately about themselves and expect you to be fascinated by how aunt so and so is babysitting her grandkids daily and her daughter and SIL are totally taking advantage of her bc the poor aunt is being run ragged by 2 year olds and btw you’ve also heard this story 76 times and this isn’t YOUR immediate family so you aren’t particularly interested? Or some story about some conversation with a home repair guy or at the grocery store or wherever? I feel like they know me less and less now — and I guess that’s fine as a grown adult but I do wonder if it’s like that across the board because then they ACT like they totally get my life when really they don’t even know or want to know 5% of it. Anyone else?
Anonymous
I find my parents can be like this but it’s partly due to their bad hearing. They often clearly haven’t heard what I said and talk about something not relevant, vs when they have hearing aids in and are able to chat more.
Anon
I honestly think this is a big part of it, at least for some folks.
anon
YES. You described most of the conversations I have with my mom. My sisters agree that this has gotten so much worse over time.
anon
Just the way some of them are as they get older…..don’t take it personally.
Anon
Heaven forgive me for this, I wonder if it has anything to do with intelligence. My mother and second MIL are lovely people, but…not the brightest – they have their homey interests in their small universe and that’s it. You call them with big news and they hardly respond before launching into stories about the neighbors or Cousin Sue (who you’ve never been sure how you’re related). Meanwhile, my first MIL is a brilliant woman (college valedictorian, etc) and she and I are still fabulous friends and have deep conversations about everything under the sun and it’s very much a two-way street.
Lexa
Maybe it’s not intelligence, it’s just being set in your ways? Do some people lose interest in hearing about anything new at some point? Tbh I’ve wondered the same thing
anon
Oof, you might be onto something here. I have a close, warm relationship with a former supervisor who is exactly my mom’s age. The types of conversations we have are so much deeper and richer than the ones I have with my own mom, who is a lovely person but her worldview is VERY small. Any news she gets is filtered through my dad; it is not something she has ever sought out.
anon
Yep — my mom shies away from things that she doesn’t understand and she’s never been the intellectually curious type. She’s never worked outside of the home and doesn’t really relate to my career struggles/achievements. Like I know she’s proud of me, but she doesn’t know how to engage in meaningful conversation around things that she hasn’t personally experienced.
Airplane.
This is my mom. Not intellectually curious. She reads the paper to keep up with international news though, so I appreciate talking to her about that.
LaurenB
I will always remember when my spouse and I took a 6 week trip to Europe, my FIL picked us up from the airport, and instead of asking us all about the trip, launched into the details of his new washer and dryer, what a deal he got, how hot it’s been, and can we stop at the grocery store, they have salmon on sale. Not even a minute’s worth of “OMG, tell me about your trip!” (This is pre-cell phone and social media, so we were incommunicado for 6 weeks.) I think it’s that generation.
Anon
Maybe his washer is more interesting to him than your trip? Different strokes for different folks. It’s hilarious how everyone here is like “my parents are so self-centered, why aren’t they listening to ME?”
Airplane.
Nah, I’m with you LaurenB. This is just bad conversational skills – you always ask about the trip! And I’ll give you that you and your husband would have asked him in return what’s been going on with him in the intervening 6 weeks too.
Anon
Yes. I don’t understand it. I also don’t remember this being a thing with my grandparents; they were sometimes passive aggressive about certain things (grandma could never remember the name of the college I attended, but college was an unfulfilled dream of hers, so I think there were a lot of feelings there). But they had two way conversations, asked questions, and remembered things about their kids and grandchildren. If anything, if there was something we didn’t want their opinion on, it was best not to bring it up! As a grandkid, I felt close to them.
I know boomer narcissism is a huge stereotype, but it’s really hard not to see it in my parents; I feel like they only talk to me like I’m an extension of their world. If I say anything about myself, the topic of conversation changes, or it’s like I never spoke at all. Same thing with grandkids. It’s like poster children for the “I am feel uncomfortable when we are not about me?” meme, and it’s so extreme that it’s become stressful and socially awkward at times.
Cb
They are incredibly warm, loving people but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized my mom and dad are terrible conversationalists, like really terrible at asking questions. I think my day-to-day existence is a bit abstract for them sometimes (academic, live abroad), so they don’t always know what to ask beyond kid, weather, DIY. So I get loads of stories about the neighbours, my mom’s annoying co-workers, some family drama. I actually think more regular conversations would help with this, or one on one, and I’ve been making an effort to do it.
Anon
Yes, but in my observation it’s a matter of them wanting to be the one to speak and be heard, rather than about the content of the conversation. Senior citizens are dismissed, ignored, and talked over constantly. My mom knows she has a captive audience in me, and by the time we speak on the phone twice a week, she’s bursting at the seams to actually engage a person who will just be quiet and listen to her.
I find it more effective to update her on things via e-mail, and use our phone calls to let her vent.
Anon
Excellent observation
Anon
I think this is probably very true.
I have felt as I have gotten older my parents ask in depth questions about me less. Particularly about my job, but everything in general.
But I do think there is something to them just having less outlets to talk about their life, so they take advantage of conversations with us kids. I have plenty of people to talk to about my life at this stage (coworker’s, friends, etc) and my parents just don’t have the same.
Vicky Austin
This sounds right for my folks too. Talking to my mom on the phone is best saved for folding laundry.
anne-on
Wellllll…my mom is a narcissist and my dad enables it, so this was always our pattern? My life is only ‘interesting’ to them in how much they can brag about it to other people, and they have almost no emotional capacity or interest in ‘knowing’ me or my family. I’ve limited contact because while I can deal with and understand it (thanks therapy!) it’s hard to expose my child to. I am truly envious of people who have deep and strong family bonds because this is the only type of communication I have with my immediate family (with fun intervals of verbal abuse followed by us cutting lines of communication!). Sigh.
If this however, is out of character for your parents, maybe mention to them that you love hearing about their lives but would like to share some of your own life and would appreciate them taking the time to learn more about your work/life/family, etc? I would hope they would respond favorably to that, for your sake!
Anon
honestly, no. mostly my dad definitely repeats certain stories a bit more, but he asks a lot about me and my kids, though is definitely currently more interested in the grandkids than me
Anon
Your parents have been hearing about your life since you’ve been born. Now you’re all established adults. Why not give them a turn to talk? It’s not like your life is inherently more interesting.
Anonymous
So for the poster above — her 6 week trip to Europe which she hadn’t prattled on about on Facebook bc FB didn’t exist, wasn’t more interesting than a new washer dryer or the fact that the grocery store had a sale? Really?
Anonymous
Our lives are not nearly as interesting to other people as we think they are.
Anonymous
No one said our lives were interesting and theirs weren’t — or at least I don’t believe that. BUT I do think in any human relationship there is a give and take. It is only polite to ask about the other person, listen, and act like you care. If you want me to listen to the story about aunt so and so 67 times, I will. But then I do expect you to listen when I tell you I got a promotion at work or am looking at houses or whatever — but as we’re seeing on this thread many boomers don’t do that; they just rush past that information because it isn’t about THEM and go back to the fascinating story about the cleaning lady.
anon
I’m someone who stays off social media bc I definitely don’t care what my chem lab partner from 10th grade named their latest baby. But to think that my own parents could be more interested in a great deal on local cherries vs. my 6-week trip to Europe is super sad. I don’t agree that that’s normal.
Anon
I think that’s an extreme example and not typical. But in terms of your job, your parents probably want to know if it’s stable and fulfilling and that’s enough. Not all the details of the intern who doesn’t dress appropriately and the sexist guy who cuts you off in meetings. Even if you tie it to the social issues of the day. As the OP pointed out, your parents pretended to be interested in your day at elementary school for developmental reasons, not because they actually cared about who had the ball at recess. At this point, you are all adults so they don’t need to pretend anymore. And you don’t need to pretend to be interested in Aunt Sue’s bad perm either! It’s ok to change the subject or say “love you, gotta go!” Unless you have a super overlap of interests in common, it’s ok to not have deep conversations every time you meet up.
That being said, this is not what’s going on here. At a primal level, adults still want to be children whose parents approve of them and dote on them. If someone is not feeling cared for, they might really crave the validation of being listened to.
Airplane.
I agree with you anon at 1:15. Some things are worth conversation and some things are not. It’s not a your life or mine thing – if my parents traveled somewhere or accomplished something in their hobby I’d be listening to a story about that and not cutting in about the price of cherries at the grocery store or the neighbor my mom has never met and her’s cat’s latest antics. I’d be sad too.
Anon
I will add, there are plenty of adults whose parents don’t pick them up at the airport and just tell them to take a cab or whatever. Even the dad who babbled about the salmon sale was going out of his way to show his love by picking them up at the airport. It’s a shame if people take that for granted.
Anon
Yep! Sometimes it’s a bad connection and my mom didn’t hear me, but often she confirms she did hear but just changes the subject with no transition to whatever issue she wants to discuss. She’s a widower, so she probably just wants to be heard, but it’s hard not to have a real back and forth with her except only on the issues she wants to discuss. I’m just rolling with it because she won’t be around forever, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t also frustrate me. Makes me feel better to know it may just be something about aging (or is it a generational thing?), rather than me just being super boring to my own mother.
Senior Attorney
Ha! My mom was ALWAYS telling stories about people I didn’t know, or knew only slightly. And my dad uses “How are you?” as a synonym for “hello,” meaning he never waits for the answer.
Now that you mention it, I try to really hold back when talking to my son because he is very protective of his privacy. I hope he doesn’t think I’m not interested…
Anonymous
I think for all except those who are really outgoing and/or keep working for a long time, the world gets smaller. In my family it’s all about talking to the relatives in India non stop (some are here, most are not); watching Indian soaps; watching the news though with minimal critical thinking — just the headlines over and over; going to the mall/retail stores; and home service appointments and the cleaning lady. But they don’t want to feel their stuff is any less important — which I guess none of us do. So you get to hear in detail about some 3rd cousin you met 1 time when you were 2. And then you hear about it 37 times. That part doesn’t bother me so much as the lack of interest in my/my life. They’ll ask but don’t want to know anything beyond a sentence — yet I’ve heard the story about the cleaning lady’s estranged daughter a hundred times. They basically stop listening/act confused/or abruptly say — you know Aunt so and so’s daughter’s husband lost his job. Uh?? And yes they do think we are super close and get offended if it slips out that I turned to a friend (no spouse here) for advice on x — because I should’ve turn to THEM.
Anonymous
It’s almost like older retired people separated from rewarding work and relationships with coworkers are lonely. Who’d a thunk it.
Anonymous
This
Shopaholic
late but this. Esp with people who are living alone. I know I am lucky to be able to work and see some friends in limited circumstances but I have caught myself doing this the last couple months when I finally see a friend in person because I’m just so happy to have someone to talk to. I would expect a lot of our parents are in a much more extreme version of that and it breaks my heart.
Looking for a new sweetheart jean
Anyone know of a dupe for Old Navy’s sweetheart cut jean? I know the line was cancelled years ago, but the new ON cuts are just not doing it for me. Basically, big but, big lower stomach, and relatively slim thighs. TIA!
AnonATL
Oh I miss these so much. I had a bootcut pair I wore holes in. Even their skinny jean in these fit wonderfully.
I’ve had good luck with the Universal thread brand at Target lately, and a random pair of lucky brand I found at TJ Maxx once.
Mal
I’ve had good luck finding discontinued items on eBay – often brand new!
Anonymous
Thanks to both of you! I’ll check those out. While I’m not a proponent of keeping clothes from a lower weight, it’s just that my first thought upon being able to fit back into them was how great my butt looked in them. :)
Anon
Need flooring recs. We are looking to redo our first floor’s hodge-podge of mixed flooring with one consistent type of hard flooring throughout.
Major concerns are:
–liquid messes (We have sloppy pets that turn their water bowls into tsunamis, plus the long-haired cat vomits hairballs. Also, husband is an avid weekend warrior in the yard and tracks mud and grass around constantly.)
–seamless throughout (Some engineered wood I’ve researched says it requires transition strips between rooms for some reason, and we don’t want that. Husband is a gigging musician and is constantly rolling amps through the house.)
–noise and temperature (I love the look and cleanability of tile, but we’re in New England and it gets really cold, plus I’m afraid a whole floor of the house done in tile would echo like mad.)
What do you think is our best bet? Some type of wood, faux or otherwise?
anne-on
Can you do tile with underfloor heating and insulation? Really I think that would be your best bet for the situation you’ve described and I think you’d be surprised at how thin the membranes for undertile heating is.
anon
Wood-look vinyl planks? I know they vary a lot in quality, but my sister has them in her house and they seem to wear like iron. (Three tiny kids + pets.)
Anon
I would definitely do hardwood flooring. Laminate just doesn’t look as good and there are some concerns about how much formaldehyde most types contain.
Pink
+1 This is such a personal decision, but I absolutely love hardwood. For me, nothing compares.
Senior Attorney
Yup. It’s a classic for a reason.
Anon
Luxury vinyl tile (LVT) is a good option.
Anon
Yes, and you can get water resistant (or water proof?) now. If there Is a floor and decor near you I recommend them for selection.
Anon
It’s not sexy, but have you looked into sheet vinyl? Once you get out of the entry-level range, there are some really nice ones, and they hold up to all the hazards you list very well!
Anonymous
We did a cement floor and we love it. Super easy to clean, indestructible, etc. The first time anyone enters the house, they always remark and are in awe of the floors… it was also cheaper than many other options. We also realized that if we ever tire of it, another floor can go right on top of it with no removal mess!
Anon
Oooh do underfloor heating! If you’re going to be ripping the floors up anyway, might as well!
Anon
Also in New England. Cold tile is a legit issue. Our house is 100% hardwood and I’m obsessed. We stained it Special Walnut and it’s probably my favorite feature of the house, which is admittedly really odd.
pugsnbourbon
I don’t think that’s odd at all. Our older Midwest home has … not amazing hardwood and I dream about replacing it someday. Flooring is a lot of real estate and it makes a huge difference in the overall look of the home.
Anon
My aunt’s home in New England was built before the Revolutionary War and the original wide-plank pine flooring is my favorite feature in any house ever.
Flats Only
No rec for floors, but once you choose this whole scene would make a great commercial! Pets, grass clippings, amps, blizzards Oh My!
anon
Hope this post might give others some motivation….it has been in the high 90s in the Northeast for a couple weeks….regular heat wave. I like to get alot of exercise outdoors so have been heading out early – 8am or no later than 10am to bike or run. It was already 81 at 8am this morning so I wasn’t feeling the heat – even on a bike you get some wind but come home drenched in sweat. I stayed in and completed a barbell workout for about 45 minutes. Was in a pessimistic mood before the workout….just done with the heat and the pandemic sort of mood. Made a frozen fruit smoothie with scoop of protein powder afterward…..feeling great and positive about the rest of the day! Sometimes we forget how much exercise impacts our mental state…..
Cb
It makes such a big difference, on dry days, I’ve been taking my son to the childminder on the bike and then going for a loop. I can be at my desk at 9:30 and am so much more awake and focused after a 4-5 mile ride, and I’ve decided doing 1 mile of it with a 35lb kid on the back counts as endurance training.
Clementine
I might ask on the afternoon thread to get more responses, but:
I have a bathroom that was redone about 10-12 years ago (previous owners had good taste, just not my taste). It’s that very beige look – matte beige/tan tiles with beige walls. Sink and vanity are (inexplicably) dark granite and dark wood. It looks straight out of a 2008 HGTV episode.
Any suggestions on how to modernize it without retiling? A wall color that would maybe make the beige look more modern? Or does the ‘tuscan’ look just kinda have to… stay?
Anon
I would repaint the walls and retile, honestly. It’s a pain but there’s no escaping the onslaught of beige without retiling. I would do white subway tile instead, which isn’t all that expensive and is very classic.
anne-on
+1 if you can swing it. We had a golden beige and faux brass monstrosity of a master bath with the extra deep jacuzzi tub. The remodel was really the only way to fix the layout and style and omg we are SO happy we did.
Fwiw – we’ve redone all of our bathrooms and I am firmly on team black/white/grey for bathrooms – curtains/towels/accessories can add color and change the look a lot but the bones will always be classic.
Clementine
Thank you! It’s not quite that bad – nice oversized stand up shower just tiled in a tile that is kind of that ‘scavenged from my vineyard wine cellar’ look that I’m not digging…
It’s totally functional, just aesthetically not my favorite. It’s also something that only my husband and I really see so… not a huge rush to renovate it.
Moreso trying to figure out if I can ‘refresh’ it before it comes up on the list of projects.
anne-on
Are you planning to just repaint? Or are you redoing the sink and vanity as well? If you’re just looking to repaint I’d aim for a greige in a undertone that matches the undertones of the tile. This is the time to paint large swaths of your walls (or get the paint tile things!) and see what looks best.
We just repainted a sitting room and I’d always hated the wood fireplace surround. With the new paint color it looks 1000% better since the undertones (deep and warm) now match – even my design challenged husband and son noticed how much nicer the room looks!
Clementine
I keep trying to figure out what color would look good – I tried a swatch of greige (not painted, but taped to the wall – and it just looked… muddy? And somehow made the tile look pink-ish.
Part of it is that the tiles themselves are the unglazed look that was really in for a while.
anon
I would lean on accessories to make it feel more modern: new mirror in your style, maybe some shelving where you can add more modern accessories, towels in your favorite colors. I also would have a hard time replacing good tile.
Any of the gray paint colors that are popular right now are going to look very bleh with beige. If you paint, you might need to do an actual color, like a blue-green, rather than a straight-up neutral. Something like SW Sea Salt or Rainwashed.
anon
Couple of other thoughts: You also could go with a creamy paint color and/or change the light fixtures.
Clementine
Hmm… I’m thinking that swatches of both Sea Salt and a creamy wall color might be in order…
The light fixtures are fine, but the mirror could definitely use a refresh…
Sea Salt FTW
We have similar tiles and did Sea Salt in the walls! With white accessories, it looks fresh and beachy.
anne-on
I’ll put in my usual plug for Farrow and Ball. Depending on the undertones Hague Blue (which is goooorgeous) could work.
Cat
A warm light blue (Dutch blue I think?) might work, but it would have to be absolutely the perfect shade to work with the beige. Could you paint the vanity a light cream?
Anon
We are selling our house and our realtor is having us do something called the Miracle Method that completely changes the look of a tile without retiling. I don’t know much more than that, but google it. I’m assuming it’s cheaper than retiling, but it’s still not “cheap”.
Clementine
will look at it!
No Face
My bathroom has beige/mushroom tiles (whole wall!). I replaced the dark brown vanity with a white one from IKEA (4 drawer Hemnes), painted the baseboards white, and updated my shower curtain and mats. It’s amazing how much better it looks! Very little money considering.
Clementine
My husband wants to replace the vanity, but the current size/shape of the one we have (oval-ish?) works really well in the room so I’m thinking we should try painting it first.
Anonymous
We have a similarly beige bathroom with a lot of brown. I’ve accepted it won’t look my style and got some really nice aubergine towels and dark brown glass soap dispensers etc. The nice towel and bath mat still give me joy.
The original Scarlett
So I’d go a different direction from the other suggestions and if you don’t want to change fixtures/ renovate, I’d lean into the dark and go moody w some modern wallpaper, change the fixtures, add some modern dark sconces and change any mirror to something dramatic. Here’s the wallpaper I’m thinking of
https://www.houseofhackney.com/wallpaper.html
Anon
Have you considered a warmer white, like Benjamin Moore’s Simply White? If you add an ivory/off white shower curtain, that could modernize the look a bit. This helped a lot in a previous rental I had with similar tile — the look is SUPER popular in my neighborhood.
Anonymous
I’m sure this is a dumb question but if you’re interested in looking for a rental townhome in northern Virginia (I’m picturing those 3 story “brownstone” type developments that are common in that region – though not brownstones because they tend to be built cookie cutters en masse by developers), where do you look? IDK exactly where I’d end up but say it’s Falls Church or whatever the next town west of there would be on 66. I am finding that the DC area generally and Va specifically is really not as rental broker oriented as the NY area, so it doesn’t look like it’s a matter of finding a broker and having them show you 5 of them and you pick one and pay the broker 15% of the year’s rent or whatever the metric is in NY now. So I assume these are mostly individual landlord owned or maybe developer owned yet I’m not hitting the right websites. Everyone in that region tells me there’s tons of developments and I’ve seen tons myself when driving around — but not being there right this moment, I can’t exactly drive up and see if some development has a leasing office. Thoughts? For right now precise location doesn’t matter because I won’t be commuting for a long while.
Anon
Oh, ha. Yeah, look on realtor.com or Zillow or whatever your preferred website is and just search for rentals. We don’t use brokers the way NYC does – it’s simply not a thing here. Mostly you do the legwork, contact the lister (whether it’s listed by owner or by a real estate agent) and go look.
When searching, be sure to check the box for condos because that legal definition doesn’t preclude the type of homes you’re talking about.
Anon
Btw, we call them townhomes / townhouses ;)
Anonymous
You could/should get a real estate agent – I used to do a lot of rentals when I was a new agent. The renter pays nothing and they will send you listings and take you on showings. If it’s listed with an agent, you are likely going to need an agent to get in for a showing.
NoVA is a large area and the only brownstones you will find here are in Olde Town Alexandria ;-)
anon a mouse
I would look on Zillow, Craigslist, Redfin, and militarybyowner. It’s tricky because so many of them are done as infill, meaning there are small pockets of 8-12 townhomes as opposed to a full neighborhood of them. It’s also more likely that townhomes are owned versus leased.
Lawyer question
I engaged a lawyer on behalf of a family member for a routine simple will for a flat fee. Lawyer was highly recommended by a friend (another lawyer) who used her for the same type of will. However, the will is irredeemably sloppy and I have lost any confidence in this lawyer. I already paid half the flat fee, with the other half due at completion. Do I have any options for getting money back? I’ve never had to hire a lawyer, and in hindsight, should I have asked for a sample work product?
Anon
If it’s not done yet, why not ask her to make corrections and improvements?
Louisa
If it’s not done yet, why not ask her to make corrections and improvements?
Anon
It’s my birthday. I’m in a pretty socially distant locked down state. Fun things to do solo to commemorate? Taking off the rest of the week and not sure how to spend my staycation other than sleep.
Anonymous
I had a zoom birthday and invited a bunch of different people from different times of my life. About 40 people showed up over a couple hours and it was fun and surprisingly not awkward.
Senior Attorney
Happy Birthday! I’d get all my very favorite foods (and drinks, if you indulge) and watch my favorite TV. Also take a lot of nice walks if the weather cooperates.
Anon
tv marathon, special takeout + takeout cocktails, ice cream, foot mask or face mask, solo hike or beach day (depending on where you live)
Airplane.
Dress up and take some photos of yourself! Fancy it up and enjoy (fancy cocktail/mocktail, your favorite take out or make a great recipe you love or my favorite is to make myself a charcuterie plate with all of your favorite smokes meats and cheese plus the fixin’s date or fig jam, fine grain mustard, icelandic salt, cornichons, local honey, good bread you’ve toasted on the cast iron and present yourself with some candles in the soft cheese.
Amber
Happy birthday! I would get take out and a favorite treat and binge watch a tv show! And then take a walk followed by a nice bath. Maybe buy something for yourself online? Enjoy your time off!