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Thursday’s Workwear Report: Floral Clip V-Neck Midi Dress

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A woman wearing a red midi floral dress

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This cheery red dress from Loft is an incredibly versatile piece for the season. I could see it transitioning nicely from the office (add a camel blazer and boots) to a fun fall weekend of cider and doughnuts (pair it with some white sneakers and a tan cardigan) to holiday parties (I’m thinking black tights and boots).

It’s machine washable, so you won’t break the bank with dry cleaning if you’re wearing it over and over again.

The dress is $99 full price at Loft — but 30% off today — and comes in regular sizes XXS–XL and petite sizes XXS–L.

This similar red floral dress from Target's Knox Rose line is available in plus sizes 1X–4X (as well as straight sizes) and is $40.

Sales of note for 3/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off: Free People, AllSaints, AG, and more
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off suiting + 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 50% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – $39+ dresses & jumpsuits + up to 50% off everything else
  • J.Crew – 25% off select linen & cashmere + up to 50% off select styles + extra 40% off sale
  • J.Crew Factory – Friends & Family Sale: Extra 15% off your purchase + extra 50% off clearance + 50-60% off spring faves
  • M.M.LaFleur – Flash Sale: Get the Ultimate Jardigan for $198 on sale; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Buy 1 get 1 50% off everything, includes markdowns

288 Comments

  1. For those who prefer not to receive physical gifts for Christmas (or whichever holiday you celebrate), how do you let well intentioned family members know that? I am truly very thankful there is nothing I need currently and we don’t have much storage space. I prefer a minimalistic home and feel bad donating gifts that we just won’t use.

    1. My family usually asks for ideas for gifts and I started telling them a couple charities I wanted a donation to instead of gifts. It honestly took a couple years for my very gifty extended family to really be comfortable with, but they got used to it and everyone is happier.

      1. +1. “I’d honestly love if you’d donate to (charity) in my name. I have so many physical things; there’s nothing I need.”

        I think it helps to choose a charity that you and your giver would be happy with. A MAGA uncle isn’t giving to Greenpeace, right? My relatives have been happy giving to Heifer International at the holidays because they tell you $X will buy a flock of chickens for people in Y country – so it feels like something tangible, rather than just cutting a check to some big entity. I know lots of charities do things like this for the holidays. Food pantries will tell you that $X buys however many meals, etc.

        1. Yes, definitely pick benign charities, haha. Personally I donate monthly to the national abortion fund myself but for Christmas I ask for donations to a local women’s shelter and the local food bank.

    2. Ugh following. I am from a family that doesn’t do gifts for adults and married into a magical Christmas morning = tons of gifts family. The holidays with them make me SO uncomfortable. I think I get more gifts from my husbands siblings and parents now than I did as a child from my own parents. And given the size of his family, the impact of all this gifting on our budget is insane. I don’t actually think there’s any solution on my end, except to smile on the day and donate an acceptable period of time later.

    3. I ask for museum tickets, art gallery tickets and donations to charity. I do have to specify the charity though or they will donate to horrifically immoral orgs on my behalf as a f*ck you.

    4. I think you start positive- here are some experiences you would really treasure! Maybe an experience we could do together like xyz specific thing! And then you hedge your bets because some people are always going to give a physical gift. So you provide consumable options first- fancy tea you love, delicious bath products, luxury chocolates. And then you finish with actual things- books (read and donate immediately), socks (I don’t care if you need them, I assure you that your local homeless shelter does), scarves, hats, gloves (ditto), and then if they are still pressing, “I’m sure whatever you pick will be lovely” and wrap up the conversation.

      1. This. Theatre tickets, bottles of wine boxes of chocolates, bath bombs, memberships to museums, subscriptions to various magazines are what my parents and I exchange. DH’s mom wants a photo book every year of the grandkids so we do that.

    6. My way around this is to ask for replacements of things I would buy for myself anyway. If people like giving gifts, it’s really hard for them to change mindset. It’s easy to just ask for the skincare or haircare stuff you buy at sephora anyway. Or one year I saw my towels were getting gross and thought to myself that I needed to get new ones, but then asked my mom for them for Christmas. She was excited to go to Macy’s and pick them out and wrap them and it’s something I was going to buy anyway. If this won’t work, honestly just graciously accept the gift and do what you can to use or donate it. It’s not worth the argument.

      2. This is the way. Gift giving is about the giver and the receiver. If the giver is super into physical gifts, you’re never going to get them to happily donate to a charity only. I’d suggest a charity and some experiences and then some replacements or consumables. And don’t feel bad about donating or regifting stuff you don’t want!

      3. This is the answer. And choose things that feel special to replace – depending on budgets, great way to get a Le Crueset braiser or something else from them. Socks, while spendy, don’t feel like a fun gift to give. That’s part of this and it’s easier to go with it than change people. Signed, from a family of grifters and long ago learned the fight isn’t worth it.

        1. Am I weird that I love giving and receiving socks? I don’t have a foot thing, I swear! I just know how much a bad pair of socks can ruin your day, and how much a good pair of socks can boost it.

    7. I just say that. Luckily most people in my family are on the same page and are happy to give cash, consumables, or small specific things that we know will go over well. We’ve never been the kind of family that goes all in on huge gifts to lots of people anyway, though, so it wasn’t a big deal.

    8. A couple years ago one of my friends said that she is trying to reduce the amount of stuff she has in her apartment and would prefer not to get physical gifts anymore, and everyone has been rolling with that. We give her either giftcards to restaurants or places or consumable gifts.

    9. Instead of mentioning what you don’t want, can you just make your entire Christmas list things you do want (experiences, donations, replacements for things you use)? I feel like a lot of older family member have trouble accepting people don’t want “things” but if you say hey mom, I’d really love for you to get us tickets to go to XYZ together! she may be more receptive?

      I give and ask for super practical gifts that are still fun. For example my aunt’s potatoes au gratin are famous in our family but she hates slicing the potatoes so I’m getting her a mandolin. I got my mom tickets to a concert and my brother tickets to a NBA game (both have 2 tickets so the 2 of us can go together). My dad is getting something specific for his hobby and my uncle is getting a new hat from his favorite brand (aunt told me that his is worn out).

      I love asking for specific products that I’ll need so I get the specific mascara or eyeliner or eye cream I use in my stocking. I like dazzle dry nail polish which is pricey so I ask for that.

    10. -Subscriptions
      -E-books
      -Consumables
      -Upgrades to things you use
      -Tickets
      -Gift cards for activities (airlines, restaurants, etc)

    11. Honestly if they ASK what you want, feel free to say, no physical gifts please, then name a consumable you will use, such as a nice lip gloss, a gourmet coffee, a nice bottle of wine, a nice set of teas, a box of chocolates, a candle, whatever.
      If they don’t ask, it’s rude to preemptively tell people what kind of gift to get you. Accept it graciously and – here’s the key – don’t feel bad about donating it. It’s yours to do with what you wish once you receive it.

      If you feel bad thinking of it shoved on a Goodwill shelf with a bunch of other junk, post it in a local Buy Nothing group so it will go to someone who will use and appreciate it.

    12. I’ve learned to accept that I’m not going to change their minds on gift giving and ask for things that I use already or consumables. It’s hard, but unless the whole family is on board, it’s very hard to change these customs.

    14. If asked, I request gift cards for streaming services. I like the choices from different services, but it gets expensive. I really enjoy Hulu or HBO Max more when I think it’s “free.” It’s a gift I use and appreciate multiple times, and people are now enthusiastic about gifting these.

    15. We have successfully steered our parents towards experience gifts and consumables by raving about those gifts more than others.

    16. Depending on the family could you suggest something like a Yankee swap/secret Santa etc for all adults in lieu of presents?

      My parents, siblings and I do this. We go all out ($200) but then each person gets *one* person to shop for. Kids get lots of presents still.

      Also consider things that you will buy anyway and ask for them. Gifters gonna gift.

    17. Real talk – you are not going to get out of this. If their culture is gifting, they’re going to gift you. And you’re going to have to gift back. Your best hope is to ask for really practical things, like the socks mentioned above, nice bath towels (they wear out, after all), kitchen towels, a bottle of wine, chocolates, etc.

    18. I couldn’t get my family to nix gifts all together, so instead, we agreed on only doing stockings. All gifts must fit in the stocking. This has worked out well for us- instead of big items that we have to store and take out when they visit, we now get things like chapstick, socks, new gardening gloves, seed packets, candles, travel perfume, etc.

    19. I have been asking for gift certificates to local restaurants I want to support. It’s a win for everyone.

    20. As a well intentioned family member, I want to know what people want! I want to give gifts that will be genuinely appreciated and used. I don’t want an “ooh, thank you” only for that gift to end up stuffed in a closet, or a drawer, or cluttering up a shelf somewhere in the house. I appreciate when the people I typically exchange gifts with actually tell me what they’d like to receive, it’s helpful for both of us.

      I think you start by assuring them that you’ve appreciated the things they’ve given you in the past, but that this year your big goal is to reduce clutter, and *if* they’re planning to get you something this year, you’d prefer it be ____, and fill in the blank with whatever you’re thinking you’d like instead – a donation to a charity you care about, gift cards, consumable stuff you know you’ll finish quickly, whatever it is

  2. This is what I hope is one final political post, maybe because I think that there is some cause for optimism. I think that Tuesday was a big loss for Trump. PA, especially, says that. This should have been an easy R year, but it wasn’t. Newbie candidates tied closely to Trump didn’t win. Maybe this will finally be the sign: there is no magic there. He needs to move on, the R party needs to move on. As a country, we will be better for it. I’m one of the 50% of the electorate in the forgotten middle and I would love to have more rational candidates in both parties to chose from next year and in 2024.

    Also, to Beto, you’ve now lost 3 statewide races in your home state (to Dr. Oz: I’m not clear that PA is really your state). Your campaign people are drunk and need to go home. Run somewhere local and leave the statewide races to other people who might win.

    1. I am a moderate who leans R and I am so hopeful that this will, if not end Trump’s 2024 hopes, severely damage them. Any chance of moving beyond our current toxic political environment requires Trump to exit the national political stage.

      1. Agree, from another R-leaning voter. Trump’s baggage has exceeded the carry-on limit. He needs to bow out.

        And I griped about Beto yesterday, but man, dude needs to read the room.

      2. You think any other Republican who can actually win an R primary is actually better than Trump in terms of toxicity?

        1. +1 the McCains and Romneys (both of whom I voted for) of the world will never win a R nomination in this climate. If it’s not Trump, it’s someone ideologically similar to him (DeSantis).

          FWIW, I switched parties in 2014 and haven’t looked back but most of my family are still “moderate” Rs.

          2. Right? I was so miserable in the Reagan years, and then we got Bush and I was more miserable. And then we got Trump and I would have taken Bush or Reagan back in a red-hot second and kissed them on the mouth for good measure!

    2. Keep your guard up. DeSantis won in a landslide in my state and he is a smarter, more articulate version of Trump with all the pettiness and cruelty still intact. He is every bit as dangerous if not more so because he can package that cruelty up in a way that sounds more palatable than what Trump was selling.

        1. Trump didn’t actually do anything prior to being president. Second generation in his business, probably doesn’t know when to stop borrowing. I’m convinced that Ivanka is the only smart one. My parents live in NY and regard him as a tacky blowhard and they are life-long Republicans. The Trump “empire” is basically just licensing their name to use on projects they aren’t involved in running for a fee — they are basically in the IP licensing game vs any true real estate visionaries.

          At least DeSantis has run a state and IMO that is hard serious bipartisan work that is useful to, um, running a country. I’d rather have a governor of either party in the white house vs any sort of politician, especially one who has never really held a non-government job (so: not the current occupants, but I get why Bill Clinton was actually good at getting sh*t done).

          3. LOL at the notion that Desantis has engaged in “hard serious bipartisan work”

            He’s engaged primarily in political stunts attacking immigrants and the LGBTQ community.

          4. Are you saying governors are not politicians. Or that DeSantis as governor is holding a non-government job. Man, I am extremely confused by how Rs think. I don’t want to suggest they are stupid but we are definitely using words differently.

          5. Hahahahahaha to suggesting Ivanka is smart. She is a brick and a grifting impostor just like her father. Are you not aware of how many of the idiotic moves Trump made were her idea? Like the Bible in the $2000 handbag at the BLM protest where they tear gassed people so they could make an entrance with her carrying that thing and present it to her father from the bag? Even her good ideas, like microfinancing for women, were pathetic in scope – like her father gave her a tiny bit of money and she promoted it like she was going to have global impact on millions of women with a budget of the same millions of dollars (like $1 per woman). She was asked an open-ended question – years into his presidency – about what qualities she took from her father, and with every possible choice on the table, in a rare moment of truthfulness, she said she got her morality from him. That.Is.Not.A.Smart.Or.Savvy.Person.
            But you falling for her is exactly what she is there for.

          6. That’s the thing, though, he really hasn’t. Florida’s legislature is Republican dominated and most of the judicial appointments have also been under Republican governors. DeSantis has been much worse than his predecessors for making demands on other branches of government. This year’s redistricting is a great example of that. The Republican controlled legislature passed congressional redistricting maps that were actually pretty fair, had bipartisan support, wouldn’t be challenged in court, etc. Gov DeSantis vetoed it and came back with his own map which, even though it’s being challenged in court, stood for this most recent election. He has no opposition here and no incentive to work with any other parties (or even less radical members of his own). Now that Republicans have a supermajority in the legislature, even the few procedural ways the minority can oppose are gone. One-party supermajority is really, really not good. I’d be saying that even if it was a party I agreed with. Checks and balances are there for good reason!
            I never worried about Mike Pence as the Vice President because while I strongly disagree with many of his positions, he’d been around long enough to know what things that fly in IN and what won’t on a federal level.

      3. Typical. 2000-2008 was BushHitler. People hated John McCain when he campaigned; he became a better person, according to the press and hacks, when Romney was running. Bush, too!! Romney was going to execute a leveraged buyout of the United States of America and thinks women come in binders – right up until Trump rode down that escalator. Now he’s a distinguished elder statesman and a rational force amongst a party gone mad.

        I’m pleased to see the Trump rehabilitation occurring right on schedule.

        1. The Trump rehab won’t happen. I know lifelong Republicans in my red state that voted against him.

    3. Are you aware of a more competitive candidate than Beto? I’m not. And I appreciate that he keeps fighting.

      1. He seems to be a well-funded charismatic vanity candidate, so I’m sure he’s cut off the oxygen from everyone else. Maybe they will start coming out of the woodwork now.

        1. IDK if he is well-funded, just that he has tons of $ to spend and spends it. And yes, we’ve all worked with guys like him. Sort of the type to hype a party but not be on the set-up or clean-up crews unless it’s a photo op.

      2. There isn’t, because Texas is a red state. Dems need to move on from TX and FL and focus on WI, NC, NV, GA, AZ. If local Texans want to support and donate to Beto or other statewide Dems, go for it. But Dems outside of Texas are throwing their money and time away.

        1. People say that about Kansas, too, but we just elected a Democratic woman as governor to serve her second term. I have had to quit donating to campaigns outside of Kansas because no one wants to help us win.

          The 50-state strategy worked, because it forced the Republican Party to put money into every congressional race. It was expensive but it worked.

          1. +1 from a Texan native and resident married to a Kansan. I’ve voted D since I was 18 – first election was Kerry/GWB. I’m done donating to anything that doesn’t impact local/state, it’s clear many, if not most, national Ds just write us all off as anti-choice, anti-science nut jobs. I felt this way when I lived on the East Coast and I feel it even more so now.

          2. Kansas has 10% of the population of Texas. Its media markets are much cheaper. Also leading up to 2018 when the current governor won, the previous election in 2014 was within 4%, or within a mere 32,000 votes. Beto lost by ONE MILLION votes. No amount of donations, door knocking, texting, or Tweeting is going to make up that deficit. I’m not saying don’t run a Democrat. I’m saying recognize reality for what it is.

        1. Because many of us have worked with a Beto and we know the type. The charming charismatic guy who shirks the uncomfortable, unglamorous work behind closed doors is not the kind of candidate I want to support.

          1. Beto has put in the work, so that is not really a fair thing to say. His visibility has also helped a lot of other democratic candidates in Texas. Outside the cities, Texas is very, very red. It’s not like other candidates are lining up to fight an uphill battle.

          2. Beto needs to go away for 10 years and then come back–the state will have moved left, and more young folks will be on board with the Democrats…he is swimming against the tide in Texas, so give him some slack.

        2. I don’t really know enough about him to have an opinion but it seems to me like the Democrats have spent a lot of time, money and political capital backing him that hasn’t done anything. So why not move on and use that money and energy on candidates and races where there would be more chance of success/impact?

          1. +1, I think I’ve been prematurely harsh. Beto needs to take *this* loss as his signal to move on from Texas state races. It’s not that he already should have intuited that from one Senate race against a highly entrenched incumbent and an aborted presidential run in a crowded field; it’s that I really hope he intuits it now.

          2. There a lot more to it than just winning an election though. When Beto runs down ticket D candidates typically fair better (at least when he ran against cruz they did). His first campaign in Texas set up and oiled the machine for Dems to get out the vote, support candidates better via money and volunteers and trained people how to black walk for candidates. He really changed the landscape for Dem campaigning in Texas. Also, every time Beto runs so far in Texas he makes the R incumbent have to work harder or start working to begin with to retain their job. Abbot had a first in forever debate because of Beto. Abbot had to actually pay for block walkers this time around. Beto has taken some good swings at and causes some cracks in the R stranglehold in TX and I’m hoping his work will create opportunities for more Dems to win in the future. Yes I’m a Texan. The Rs here in Texas want to secede and so we need sane candidates both liberal and moderate to pick up and try again next election cycle.
            I hope he and Stacey Abrams (another major game changer) don’t go away.

        3. He and Stacey Abrams are perennial candidates and losers. Sometimes the reasons why candidates aren’t clicking for voters can be opaque and confusing, but there comes a time to just accept the reality and move on.

          1. Both of them should have senior positions at the DNC or DCCC and focus on messaging and GOTV efforts, but their times as candidates should be over.

          2. As a Georgia resident, I hope Abrams sticks around. And I don’t think the reason she isn’t clicking with voters is opaque or confusing at all. White, rural voters won’t vote for a black woman. Yet.

    4. As an R who appreciates Trump policy but not personality, I am thrilled. Ron DeSantis’ absolute blowout in Florida makes him the top, top, top choice going into 2024 (his supporters were chanting “two more years” at his watch/victory party), and the underperformance of Trump/Democrat endorsed candidates (Democrats funded the primary campaigns of a lot of Trump candidates – easier to defeat in the general) further clears that path.

      A lot of young women won Congressional seats, and the energy, ideas, and optimism they are bringing is fantastic. John James won up in Michigan and I’m over the moon. Chuck Grassley aside, it’s a young party that understands the changing landscape.

        1. (This is an honest question. For example, my mom, who is a lifelong moderate but solid D for now, appreciated Trump’s take on China but not Russia, for example, and I think Biden has continued the US direction change on China. My dad has gone QAnon, so that doesn’t teach me much.)

          1. I’ll bite. Not the OP on this subcomment.

            Normalizing relations with some countries in the middle east with Israel. Allowing flights and trade and regular diplomacy between countries like the UAE and Israel lets Israel be a typical country doing typical country things with another country, which should take the temperature down and benefit citizens of each country. We need less of “from the mountains to the sea (or whatever that expression is about wiping Israel off the map)” and more letting the people of each country live the most regular lives possible. I’m glad it has happened and doubt it would have without the US being involved.

        3. Peace deals in the Middle East. Half a loaf is better than none.

          Knocking ISIS down many, many, many pegs.

          Deregulation.

          The “tax cuts for the rich” actually benefited the middle class.

          Using his pardon power before he became a lame duck.

          People who struggle to find employment had the lowest unemployment in decades if not history.

          American manufacturing is not something college educated city dwellers understand. It is so important: it’s the intermediate step between grinding rural poverty and kids who go to college. People move out of impoverished areas, get a factory job with a high school diploma, buy a house, get married, and their kids are college educated professionals.

          When COVID hit, he bought together pharma, corporations, whomever had a stake in getting us through it and it resources where they needed to be. His DOT worked around the clock so that truckers could handle the increased loads from the change to online.

          If you lean conservative, you could not have asked for more than he delivered with judges. IMHO, Kagan is the far and away best pick for the Dems since RBG; I feel like we got three Kagans. (I wish Biden had chosen Leondra Kruger.)

          1. I forgot that pardon power. And whatever he did with Kim Kardashian (choking as I write this) was also good.

          2. I think Biden has done more so far, or at least passed better legislation, to bring manufacturing jobs back to the US than Trump did. Wasn’t there some debacle in Ohio during the Trump years, he boasted about bringing a plant there and it never came? And then there’s FoxConn or whatever it was called up in Wisconsin, under their Republican governor, a few years ago.

            I think it’s a fallacy to believe that only the GOP is good for manufacturing and “business.” Ten of the last 11 recessions started under Republican Presidents, so I’m not too impressed with their economic acumen.

          3. Thank you for your answer. “The “tax cuts for the rich” actually benefited the middle class.” –> Do you have a source for this? It definitely goes against my received knowledge.

          4. PolyD, I answered Curious’ question at 11:05 am. It was not an invitation to debate, and not to out too fine a point on it, not an invitation to debate Miss “The Secretary of Education, Not Local School Boards, is In Charge of Reopening Plans.”

          5. He was so dumb for doing all of that for COVID and then denying that it was a big deal. He should have been taking ALL the credit. I do not understand the man.

          6. Deregulation. – This is not inherently universally good. See elimination of DDT or CFCs as quick examples.

            The “tax cuts for the rich” actually benefited the middle class. – This is just false.

            American manufacturing – he did nothing for American manufacturing.

          7. Thanks for being the boss of me, Anon at 1:39! I’ll be sure to check with you before I post anything.

            Oh, I can’t, because you are too cowardly to use a screen name, preferring to hide behind Anon.

            And I never said the Dept. of Ed was in charge of opening or closing schools, I said maybe they could have helped local school districts with internet access, PPE, ventilation. But I guess you’re good with Betsy DeVos just sitting in her office looking pretty.

    5. 1) I hope that Trump does not give up and there is significant GOP infighting that splits the vote. A Ross Perot situation would be great.

      2) it’s darn near impossible for any Dem to win statewide in Texas. Regardless of who the candidate is, it’s not a super winnable race. What we need is quality candidates running though to slowly shift the rhetoric. Get people slowly used to dem ideas and dem candidates. Make the GOP sweat and spend their money and attention on this race so they can’t do so elsewhere. I saw a good Tweet explaining how much money and attention the GOP had to spend on the Vance race and thus couldn’t spend elsewhere and another Tweet about how distracting the McGrath and Booker campaigns were in Kentucky. It’s a long game in deep Red states.

      1. McGrath lost against Andy Barr and tried to “fail upwards” by running against Mitch McConnell. Her response to being a bad fit for the Sixth District – which she was told before she ran – was to be a bad fit for the entire state, rather than trying to be, say, the mayor of Lexington, if eligible. (I seem to think she lives up in Scott County, which makes this all the more puzzling – she doesn’t have to leave her own county to know she’s never going to win KY6 or statewide.)

        Booker lost the primary against McGrath and also tried to “fail upwards” the next election cycle. He had strong appeal in Jefferson County but very little statewide appeal. He won Jefferson County (Louisville metro), Fayette County (Lexington), and Franklin County (Frankfort, state capital), losing every other county in the state. NKY is relatively urban (lots of industries, lots of people who work in Cincinnati) and Booker couldn’t win there.

        These quixotic US Senate races are just bizarre. Win locally, win locally again, build name recognition, and then lunch statewide – and maybe that is running for Ag Commissioner or auditor. Learn to campaign.

      2. Move on from Trump and let the DeSantis-Pence factions start fighting. Let Trump suck up enough oxygen that the whole party flames out.

        Dems need to move on from Texas, Florida and Ohio at this point and focus on Pennsylvania, Wisconsin, Colorado, and North Carolina. 2016 turned out a lot of anti-Hillary voters who aren’t reliable GOP supporters and there are plenty of other gains across the country to focus on.

    6. I live in Texas, voted for Beto, and kind of agree with this take. I was actually…happy with how things turned out; partially because I didn’t expect Beto to win.

      My county voted for Beto by a huge margin (roughly 10%). Democrats actually did really well in my county, and although of course the state and our terrible Governor has a lot of impact in our lives, city/county governing is a lot more immediate, and that all swung D. Rs “Tough on Crime” messaging ultimately didn’t work. We had some very close races with Non-Trump Rs vs. Progressive Ds, and the Ds won by tight margins.

      I don’t think Beto himself is the problem, as I’m not sure who else would have taken the mantel/what the bench looks like. I think the Democrats/big tent, how we message things, and how we pick and grow candidates are the problem. Republicans are very good at building pipeline, messaging, and taking care of their “own”.

      I think about the leaked call from November 2020 and what Spanberger said a lot, and I think she was right. DH got a call from Beto’s campaign at 7 PM (long after he’d voted) on election night and when he told the caller he’d voted Beto the caller…hung up. Obviously this is a one-off, but it does say a lot about messaging and campaigning.

      1. I was calling voters on Election Day and thanking them profusely for being a voter/voting early/having a voter plan. I think you have to cut that caller a break. I called over 100 people, and it is exhausting. Some people are rude. It isn’t glamorous. It is important, to me at least, to make sure people actually get out to vote.

    7. One of my frustrations with Democrats in Texas is that we haven’t been fielding moderate D candidates- We’ve seen other practical and moderate D candidates win in red leaning states, and I think a similar profile (like fetterman, or kelly) could potentially win here. we aren’t fielding candidates like that- Beto is like always running his mouth about guns and the minimum wage and things like that in a way that just doesn’t connect. He’s a bit too progressive for the state but that doesn’t mean that no D could win here.

  3. Has anyone ever had one or two teeth that get sort of gray after red wine? Mine shows up particularly in pictures, which is super annoying! It looks good after I get a cleaning at the dentist, but that is only every six months of course.
    Any solutions or ideas?

    1. I have this with tea and my dentist said to make a paste of baking soda and rub it into the tooth periodically. He said it’s more likely to be happening on teeth where you had braces, because they kind of alter the surface and then the stains stick easier than on other teeth.

    3. My kids make fun of mom’s purple teeth after red wine. I don’t really drink it when socializing for this reason.

  4. Another tooth question:

    Has anyone had a dental implant? Where they drill a metal piece into your jaw, let it heal, and then put a tooth-looking crown on the piece that sticks out of your gums?

    I have a residual baby tooth still. It is still there because there is no adult tooth behind it. The root is small and it seems to be holding . . . for now. But at some point, the root may dissolve or get too small to hold the tooth, or I could lose it (softball accident, a fall, etc.). At that point, it will be time to get this done (per dentist, there is no rush to disturb a functioning tooth).

    I’m just wondering about pain, downtime, and how we seem to stigmatize and joke about people with obvious missing teeth (which will be me at some point).

    1. My husband got an implant on one of his front teeth (the enamel was failing). It was not bad at all, IMO. The actual missing tooth lasts about 3 days, and they put a temp implant in while the bone is healing from the 3 days to the 3-4 month mark when you get the real implant. He didn’t use any of his vicodin, just Tylenol. If the dentist is by car, you will need someone to pick you up after the appointments since you get anesthesia.

    2. My husband got one and it was brutal. However, he grew up in the UK so I feel like every time he gets a dental procedure here they are undoing/working around the terrible dental care of his youth.

    3. I have an implant for a tooth that broke below the gum line and had to be pulled. I absolutely love it.

      The post was installed at the same time the broken tooth was pulled. (This was the “worst” part of the whole experience, having the broken tooth pulled. But this was an adult tooth, I don’t imagine a baby tooth will put up the “fight” my tooth did. I was awake for the pulling.)

      As for downtime, it was just the day of the procedure because I needed to come home, rest, and shake the anesthetic. I was given painkillers, but I think I only ended up taking one of the pills. You will likely want someone to drive you home afterwards.

      I’ve had the implant in place for over ten years and have had no issue with it.

    4. I have had several, the most recent 3 weeks ago. I am still in some pain, enough that it wakes me at night. Much of the pain is actually from my jaw joint, not from the implant site, and I know it is because it took a long time for the implant procedure (2 implants, side by side). The only time that I missed from work was time in the dentist’s chair. The whole process for an implant, tooth extraction, bone graft if needed, implant, and then impressions and installing the crown, is complicated, lengthy, and very, very pricey, even with dental coverage.

    5. I’ve had a lot of dental work and have 3 implants. No pain and no downtime with any of the teeth, done by different dentists. I probably did not even take a Tylenol after them but cannot remember exactly. The thing to be aware of is the number of appointments: usually three (mold for implant and tooth removal, installation of the rod, receipt of the implant/crown and installation of the crown. Some dentists put in a temporary crown (so you have a temporary fake tooth before your final fake tooth) and some don’t. You want to clarify in advance what exactly is going to be removed and replaced (which teeth), what the timeline is. Be careful of dentists who jump to implants instead of finding ways to preserve the natural tooth, where possible.

      1. Plus one to this. It will likely take longer than you think and be wary of dentists who rush it. Better to take 6 months than have a failed implant. If it’s anywhere visible, they will give you a temporary cover tooth. It may be hard to eat some foods with it so this is only recommended for the front teeth but either way it’s all manageable.
        I’ve had a few implants and it’s really fine – the biggest issues were psychological. For something like a single tooth you really don’t even notice it much.

    6. I have not had an implant, but the missing adult teeth run in my family. I have one baby tooth still firmly in place at age 43, and my dad has three! So I, too, am ready for the implant if it needs to happen, but have reason to hold out hope that it will not.

      1. Same. On my dad’s side. The good news: if you are missing adult teeth, chances are 75/25 that you are missing all of your wisdom teeth (I am), so I see it as a feature, not a bug.

        Glad your dad’s have kept on trucking — that is good news :)

    8. I have an implant to replace one of my molars. I don’t recall any pain during the insertion of the metal screw, it was quick and done with local anesthesia, I got antibiotics afterwards. I had some major swelling in the area, but it went away after 2 days [I had the screw inserted on Friday morning].
      The insertion of the crown was quick, no pain, no swelling.
      I do not recall how long was the downtime between tooth extraction and insertion of the implant, but I didn’t feel any shame, the missing tooth was not visible to people and I didn’t ask for a temporary crown to mask it.

    9. Two of my teeth toward the front of my mouth are implants. I was born without the adult ones. They inserted the posts while I got my wisdom teeth out and I didn’t have any pain after the procedure. Then I had to wait a few months to let the posts get incorporated into the bone (from what I understand). During that time I had fake teeth connected via bridge to the back of my real teeth. There was a little silver visible at my gum line but it was temporary. I went to a lab where they shaped the permanent fake teeth and painted them to match my natural ones. I highly recommend getting your teeth whitened before this – I can’t whiten my teeth now because the implants won’t match. On the big day I went to the oral surgeon and got the bridges removed, then went to the dentist to get the permanent teeth attached to the posts. So I was only toothless for a couple hours. Getting the permanent teeth inserted was uncomfortable but they numbed my mouth so it just felt like a lot of pressure. I can’t bite into apples but other than that I forget I have implants.

    10. My mom has implants for more than half her teeth and her only complaint has been the cost.

    11. My exH got a mouthful of implants (childhood neglect, parents should have been charged with neglect imho). He was high AF for several hours after the procedure, ate a cheeseburger and fries on the way home, and perfectly fine thereafter.

    12. My husband got an implant. After they drill the post into the bone, they can give you a temporary tooth until the post is ready to take the permanent one.

    13. Yes, I have an implant for a back molar and have had far less trouble with it (as in, no trouble at all) than I’ve had with a crown on a different molar. And the process wasn’t nearly as gruesome as I’d been led to believe. The doc an give you a “flipper” to fill in for the missing tooth when the time comes, so you don’t need to worry about that.

  5. A few questions re: NYC- we are going this weekend and taking the kids:
    – Best bagel/breakfast place near 55th and Park?
    – Lunch/snacks near the Natural History museum?
    – Ditto on the High Line?
    – I shouldn’t bring my plaid sherpa fleece from Costco, right? ;) I am mostly packing black/white or black/cream stuff otherwise.

    1. Wear what you’re comfortable in. You don’t have to dress like David from Schitt’s Creek, just be yourself and have fun! Literally no one is looking at you they are thinking about themselves.

      1. +1
        Nobody in NYC is looking at you. Tourists are dressed like tourists. Just be comfy and warm.

    2. Just flagging that the High Line is neat, but it’s really just an elevated sidewalk with views. If you’re fast walkers or your kids don’t care about seeing buildings, expect it to go quickly.

    4. There is a shake shack right next to the natural history museum. You cannot go wrong with burgers and fries! Levain bakery has great(ginormous) cookies a few blocks away as well.

      Also wear whatever Costco Sherpa you want. No one will care, if that’s your concern. But it is getting colder now with rain forecast for saturday…NYC is freezing in the morning but warm between 10-3. Have a great trip!

      1. Be warned: Shake Shack fries are very divisive in my house. You love them or hate them.

      2. Shake Shack is yummy and I’m a definite fan but there are locations all over. I wouldn’t waste a meal there on a short NYC trip. That said, it’s been a few years since my last NYC visit so I don’t have a better recommendation, unfortunately.

    5. Lunch options we like near the Natural History Museum:
      La Pecora Bianca (most convenient, on corner of 77 and Columbus – across the street from museum)
      Consulate (85 and Columbus)
      Lokal (82 and Columbus)
      Nice Matin (79 and Amsterdam)
      Daily Provisions (78 and Amsterdam)
      Zucker’s (73 and Columbus)

      Daily Provisions and Zuckers are more to-go type places (though they do have tables), the others are sit-down restaurants.

      There is a cookie store called Chip City on Columbus between 77 and 78 that has great cookies. Also Levain Bakery for the more famous cookies on Amsterdam between 76 and 77 (or their original location on 74 and Amsterdam).

    6. Just wear whatever you want and be comfortable. It’s a total free for all here, fashion-wise. The most dressed up typical-new-Yorker-types I see in downtown Manhattan are all actually European tourists or instagrammers trailed by a guy with three cameras. No one will judge you. In certain parts of Brooklyn your plaid Sherpa fleece will even read as chic.

    7. The Chelsea Market is right off the High Line – depends on your kids ages it could either be too much sensory overload or lots of food and fun.
      Joe’s Steam Rice Roll is a short walk from AMNH – service can be slow since they cook the rice rolls one by one and the lunch line is long but if you’ve had steamed rice rolls with beef or shrimp at dim sum it’s a very similar concept.

    8. I think hitting Hudson Yards and the vessel and then walking south down the High Line, stopping at Little Island and ending at the Whitney is a great tourist afternoon (or doing it in reverse). I would eat at Chelsea Market – there’s food for everyone, but Los Tacos No 1 and Miznon are so good.

      Other fun food along the High Line includes Artichoke Pizza at 17th St and 10th, Billy’s Bakery at 21st and 10th for treats, Empire Diner at 23 and 10th, and Frankie Portugal for coffee and egg tarts at 17th and 10th.

      1. +1 for Artichoke Pizza.
        Then get dessert at Chelsea Market. I vote soft serve at Seed and Mill.

    11. Go to the farmer’s market on 79th street next to the Natural History museum. It is on Sunday mornings. Lots of yummy snacks. There is usually the Grand Bazaar flea market happening nearby too, which usually has rotating food vendors. There is a new patisserie that opened up near the Natural History museum –

      Agree that you can wear whatever you want, but definitely wear shoes you can walk in.

      The northern tip of the High Line is nearish to Hudson Yards (although it’s kind of like a mall, so not really an NYC experience).

  6. I have a knee-length puffy coat that is SO HEAVY. I feel like my height gets shortened when I wear it and I’d like a long lightweight (but still v. warm) puffer. Ideally, it has a high collar (so I can deal without a hood easier than I can deal with exposed neck skin). Any current recommendations?

    2. I impulse bought a knee length down puffy coat at Costco and it is my absolute favorite for the coldest weather. Feels lightweight.

    3. Look for one of the Cirrus light coats by Eddie Bauer. They’re available in several lengths and they are truly lightweight.

    4. I suspect yours is not down–down is so light! My favorite brand is Eddie Bauer, the sun valley coat in particiular.

  7. Cat owners: can you recommend a litter box or other solutions for best odor control? Our cat does not bury (ugh) and we need some ideas. Thanks!

    1. If the cat isn’t burying, you may want to consider the size of the litter box. Can you go larger?

    3. You just need to scoop very frequently. Get a litter genie and scoop several times a day. We use unscented, clumping litter and don’t have any issues with smells despite having two cats and just one (very big) box.

    4. Having in enclosed helps a lot, but when something doesn’t get buried, I often scoop some litter over it (I know lazy, but easier than scooping the whole box constantly). I swear by Everclean Extra Strength Unscented litter.

    7. You will have to either scoop often or get an automatic litter box. Not sure how much money you’re willing to spend, but we have the Litter-Robot and the Petsafe automatic litter box with the crystal litter for three cats. I love the Litter-Robot and it’s worth the hefty price tag to me but it’s big and we have an entire closet devoted to it. The Petsafe crystal litter one is cheaper and a smaller footprint, but I hate that it doesn’t solidfy and that you need special litter for it.

    8. Mine doesn’t either. I use flushable littler (world’s best) and keep the box in the bathroom, and scoop every time I’m in there and see anything in the box (so 1-2 times a day). Scooping it into the toilet and flushing takes 15 seconds.

    9. We have the Modcat box with high sides and a flippable lid. The true solution to odor control is frequent scooping, and the tarp-material liner in the Modcat makes it genuinely so much easier and faster to scoop. We also bought a roll of large biodegradable doggie bags and a dispenser (so it hangs on the dispenser like a towel roll) and attached it right to the side of the litter box. Much more likely to scoop once or even twice a day when it’s a three-minute job and everything you need is right there.

    10. Change the food. They make cat food for indoor cats that makes their poop stink less. I also have a non-burier.

      We use fresh step multi cat and scoop once or twice a day.

    11. I use the crystal little and it dries up the litter and greatly reduces the smell.

  8. I want to give a nice, office appropriate bag to a young woman who is completing her graduate degree and moving into the professional workplace. She has overcome significant odds and struggled financially. She does not have a decent bag for this purpose, and will be working from an office, not WFH. I am thinking the Madewell top zipper transport tote. Does anyone have any negatives about that bag? Large size or medium size? (The would-be recipient is petite.) Other suggestions? Budget is $200.

      2. I have both and I like both but the Madewell reads more casual and the Cuyana reads more formal/dressed up. I think either one is a good option, just depends on her preferences.

      3. Agree with the Cuyana, and there’s a good women founders story there. (I met one of them at an event)

    3. That’s lovely! If you can increase your budget just a bit to $279, the Tory Burch Robinson tote bag is currently in the sale section in black leather, and looks a bit more polished/professional than the Madewell one. The Lo and Sons OG2 is also currently marked down to just above your budget ($225). Both of these bags have specific laptop sleeves, which I don’t think the Madewell one does, so just throwing these ideas out there if she will be taking her laptop back and forth.

  9. We’re only ten days into the month and already I’ve been to the dentist, agreed a quote for some roof repairs, had my boiler serviced, had to replace worn out jeans, and yesterday my washing machine broke (in a way that spilled water all over the kitchen)… an expensive month and all non-discretionary. Arghhhh. This is what savings are for, I guess.

    1. Yowza. What an expensive month! But this means that you should be all clear for next month!

      1. December is always expensive – travel and both parents’ birthdays plus Christmas presents. Difference is that I have a specific savings account for those costs so they’re already covered!

    2. It never rains but it pours! Hope you can get your washing machine fixed. Nothing makes me twitchier than having plumbing issues.

    3. I feel you. I found mold in my attic last month, which led to further inspection and having to get a whole new roof (plus mold remediation, new insulation, new walls). Huge hit on my savings…

    4. Ooof, that’s the worst. Hopefully your portion of the roof isn’t too expensive and all the residents’ pony up. 2 months after we moved, cladding blew off our old block in a storm and I was so grateful we weren’t around to foot the bill.

      1. Unfortunately this one is just me – the chimney from my kitchen apparently wasn’t sealed properly when the Victorian range was taken out so whenever we’ve had especially heavy rain recently it’s come straight through into the empty fireplace.

          1. It happened the first time the first week of September, when I was at home with Co vid, feeling terrible. And then the next day the Queen died. What a week!!

  10. How can I physically feel better after therapy. I am going though some stuff in my appointments that cause me to cry very hard. I think I can deal with the emotional hangover, but I am having a hard time dealing with feeling puffy and congested afterwards, which makes me feel like I have a cold or am otherwise physically sick. Any tricks? I moved my appointments to as late in the afternoon as possible and will WFH those days so I have options, but I also need to be able to get back to work instead of languishing on the couch feeling like garbage.

    1. Can you have a break in between therapy and going back to work, to gently bring yourself back? If it were my break I’d have something hot to drink and walk outside for a few minutes if possible. Deep breathing and possibly a stretch? After crying I also like to rinse my face off so it doesn’t feel crusty as the salt dries. Then tell yourself that the couch is waiting for you once you finish work.

    2. Water. Drink it, rinse your face, maybe even have a shower to reset if you can squeeze it in?

    3. Crying also does this to me, plus it’s a huge m*graine trigger. I think focusing decongesting will help the most, so drinking something hot, steaming your face over some hot water, maybe even taking a quick hot shower if that fits into your schedule.

    4. You’re WFH so nobody will know if you’re on the couch. Put that you’re busy in your calendar and decompress.

    6. I just work while crying honestly. As long as I’m WFH and don’t have to jump on a call I’m good. I work however long I need to and then move it to the couch for the rest of the evening. A healthier outlet would be going for a run or yoga class or meeting up with friends after washing my face. I’m just not that good at getting myself together!

    7. Very hot shower (as hot as you can handle so you make as much steam as possible) followed by a hot cup of tea will help significantly with the congestion. I did this after spending the majority of the day crying after my aunt’s funeral and it made such a difference.

    8. I’m sorry! Try drinking a lot of water and an ice roller for your face. They’re inexpensive, feel amazing, and will help with puffiness.

    11. I always treated myself to a pastry at the nearby coffee shop after the session when I was working through some intense things in therapy.

      1. And I’m reading way too fast this morning. This was for the emotional aspect, to treat myself, not the physical.

    12. One of those eye masks filled with gel that you keep in the freezer always works for me.

      Hugs.

    13. I get migraines when I cry and it’s horrible. I agree with something hot and steamy initially to help with the congestion, a shower if you can swing it. Or a hot cup of tea. Then some couch time with a cooling eye mask that you leave in the refrigerator. I had one of these when my husband was diagnosed with cancer and it helped immensely to depuff and move on with the day. Also very helpful if I developed a true headache/migraine as often happens. I would camp out with my eye mask and an audiobook.

  11. I’ve always been a utilitarian showerer (in and out just getting clean). I want to try slowing this down and making it more of a self care, relaxing moment of the day. What are your favorite products for make this happen? Something that makes the bathroom smell really nice? Favorite skin care that feels nice? I don’t have a bathtub so baths aren’t an option. Help me relax.

      1. Check if your local florist does any daily/weekly deals (ours used to do half-price stems after 4pm). Get a ton of eucalyptus, tie it in a bundle and hang it in your shower. Heavenly.

    3. Make a shower playlist. I have a floor to ceiling glass shower door and can still hear the music with my phone on the bathroom counter. A memory foam bath mat feels nice under foot when you step out of the shower. And I have a Natori bathrobe in a pretty color that I love wearing after I’ve toweled off.

    4. I’ve been using Not Your Mother’s Aquatic Mint shampoo lately and it feels like a wakeup call for your scalp. So nice.

    5. Maybe another viewpoint: Nothing wrong with keeping your showers short, IMO, and it’s also eco-friendly.
      I am a quick shower person, and I pamper myself after the shower with a facemask, hair mask, leg and foot massage etc.

      1. Agreed, you can make your bathroom a luxurious space and treat yourself after the shower.

    6. Focus on *after* shower care. You’re limiting your water usage so you’re actually doing good. Also, probably better for your skin not to spend too much time in the water and focus on the moisturizing afterwards when the product won’t just get washed down the drain.

    7. Perfect comment as I’ve thought about this a lot and recommend the following because it changes the showering atmosphere drastically while being quick to set up (takes me less than a minute to do all this) and relatively cheap to achieve:
      – I think lighting helps a lot. It seems weird, but the JolyWell Night Light for kids (a touch light shaped like an egg), the one with multiple colors, is great for this, as you can adjust the brightness, it’s light and compact, easy to operate and rechargeable.
      – Having shower specific scents is useful too, like hanging Eucalyptus or a shower melt is good too. Bringing in a portable bluetooth speaker (the JBL 3 is around $20 and has great sound) to place on the sink or toilet and play soft relaxing music is a good option.
      – Mild scent candles are a good inclusion as well.

    8. Wardrobe Oxygen actually had a piece on luxurious showers recently.

      It’s true that very long showers can be wasteful, but I think there are ways to make a shower nicer without necessarily making it that much longer.

    9. I literally just stand under the water thinking nothing, letting the stream pound my sore back. No products needed!

    10. I love the concept of a shower orange but don’t actually want to eat in the shower, so I use Satsuma body wash that has the same fragrance. Especially in the winter, it’s aromatherapy that really works for me.

      Also, have you considered the shower beer?

    11. A beautiful candle in the bathroom that I light before I enter the shower. A small space heater in the bathroom, which I turn on before showers and before my nightly flossing/brushing/face washing ritual. My skincare is multi-step so that also takes some time.

      I also find that the nicest bath linens help me feel a zen moment in there. Whenever I get new towels, the old towels go into extra towel /second bathroom mode and I just use the new ones. I have two hand towels next to the sink – one for hands and one for my face.

      My face cleanser is a balm cleanser – I like glow recipe papaya and the Plantastic from Beauty Pie – and I wash it off with a warm clean washcloth, using a new washcloth every day.

      I also apply foot cream every night and then put on socks right before I go to bed. In the summer, I put the same cream on my elbows, but in cooler weather I don’t need it as much because wearing long sleeves keeps my elbows in better shape.

  12. For the married folks — Do your ILs have any expectation that you provide gift ideas for your spouse? MIL begs DH for “ideas” every year, and when he doesn’t come through, it sort of ends up in my lap. And I wouldn’t mind, except I HAVE NO IDEAS. DH is not a man who wants lots of stuff and things. But it means a lot to MIL to get DH, me, and the kids lots of things for Christmas, so I sort of begrudgingly go with it. My mom also does it, but to a lesser extent because she’s perfectly OK giving him more consumable-type stuff. There is so much emotional labor around the holidays, man.

    1. Ugh, yeah, and my DH is like yours and never seems to want a thing. My current solution, which I acknowledge is not perfect, is to tell him first. “Your parents and mine are going to start asking me what you want for Christmas. What should I tell them?”

      I do have a thing with my parents (who have birthdays in December and January) where their birthday gift every year is the same favorite consumable. That’s what they like, and it’s easy for me, and they don’t have to come up with a new birthday idea every year amid the Christmas crunch. Could your mom do something like that?

      1. Oh yeah, my mom gives him one of those giant popcorn tins every year. That’s a given, lol.

        1. This would be a top 3 gift for my DH. He likes popcorn more than any human I’ve ever met.

          1. It’d be a top gift for me too. My favorite comedian, Sarah Millican, once did a bit about receiving one of those giant grocery store cookie cakes for Christmas and it being the best gift she ever got!

      2. +1

        You just put the responsibility on your husband. He provides the list for your inlaws/your parents.

      3. That’s cute. My mom gave my husband an assortment of nuts and dried fruit one year and he loved it so much she got it for him every year. She was delighted to finally hit on something he was excited about.

        She’s gone now. Maybe I should buy him one this year!

    2. I keep a running wish list at Ama5on. If I see books that I want, or a spice mix that looks interesting, I drop it on there. Funky new sweater shaver or waffle maker? On the list.

      My husband has a hobby that requires a particular consumable item on a regular basis. He keeps a selection of the preferred brand and colors on his list, so our family can get him something that he will like and use.

    3. My mom asks me if there’s anything husband wants and MIL asks husband if there anything I want. Both are perfectly happy to just give cash, socks, cookies, and other small consumables when we say no, though we do provide feedback on things like milk vs dark chocolate preferences. Neither of us talk to the in laws directly all that often as we live far away.

    4. This doesn’t have to be “emotional labor.” Yes, my in-laws and my parents do this. We know this. We keep a little gift list starting in October of things that would be nice to have replacements or things we’d buy anyway, with links and send them on when asked. It’s not that hard.

          1. It seems to me that OP’s husband is not a willing participant in this making lists. And this absolutely is emotional labor if the husband is refusing to help and OP is “having” to come up with ideas and links and everything else (on top of probably everything else she’s doing, or this wouldn’t feel like an imposition for her).

            For OP— If you haven’t asked your husband to do something like this, then obviously do. I’d say it creates a lot of work for me to have to think of how to respond, etc, so for him to please keep a list or come up with a few things. Starting this year. And tell him you’re not going to be able to do it. Then (the crucial part) — don’t do it. If MIL texts you, say “I’m not sure what he wants!” Repeat forever until Christmas Day, maybe suggesting they ask him. When they tell you they have and he didn’t respond, just repeat that you’re not sure what he wants. He receives something weird or whatever. But it’s really not your responsibility to do this for him. I had this exact problem in my previous marriage and I just refused to engage. They eventually stopped asking me and my ex figured out how to text his parents and sisters that he wanted new socks or whatever.

          2. My point is it doesn’t have to be. I’d just put things for the household on the list and call it a day. It’s only labor if you let it be.

    5. Married twice, and yep, both MILs did that. But I’m also a woman who went early to the “No stuff, just charitable donations” side (I posted above), and the MILs actually were on board because they were tired of guessing what their grown son might want – emotional and shopping labor on their side that they ended up being happy to jettison.

    6. Husband is on his own for his gift ideas to other people. We are 13 years married and at some point I just stopped. I suggest he stop buying stuff for himself every September (“put a belt on your Christmas list with the family, don’t buy one the week of thanksgiving”), but I don’t provide ideas to anyone.
      I also do not purchase anything for his nieces. He is in charge of all gifting with his family. It means his family gets wine and coffee (adults) and gift cards (teen nieces). Works well for us.
      However, I am still in charge of managing gift ideas for our two youngish kids for both sides of the family. With 6 sets of aunts/uncles plus grandparents, that is plenty of gift management. I don’t need to manage the husband’s too.

      1. +1 to putting the burden on your husband.

        My dad is so hard to shop for and he will buy himself what he needs. Last year he literally bought himself new Airpods the week before Christmas. So frustrating!

    7. I try to view it as thoughtfulness from MIL. She genuinely wants to get us something that we want and not stuff that will just sit around the house.

      I’ve found MILs love to feed their kids and keep them warm so I generally suggest something like slippers/scarf or food treats that are DH specific – fancy beef jerky, white chocolate with almonds. Family gifts like a high end scrabble set for us to all play together have also worked.

      Or start a tradition – my maternal grandmother bought us Christmas pyjamas that we opened on Christmas eve. My mom probably would have bought them anyway so it was a savings. I think she emailed my grandma options/sizes and grandma picked.

    8. I mean she asks you because she thinks that way it will feel like a surprise to DH but be useful. I would tell DH that he needs to come up with things he wants, or you will give his mother ‘unisex’ or house type things that are on your own wish list as ideas for him.

      1. I don’t think this is the case here. OP says that MIL begs husband for ideas first and then comes to her when he fails to come up with anything.

        I do agree that OP should first tell husband he needs to come up with some ideas so she can stop taking this on.

    9. My husband just asks for whisky. My mom always has good ideas for him, so she’s fine, but my MIL wants ideas. I try to keep a running list of what we all need.

    10. It’s ok to say that you don’t know what he wants. When my MIL asks me I usually don’t know and it’s fine.

    11. How long have you been married? DH and I are 40, have 3 kids and have been married for 14 years. Dude is on his own with his parents.

      We do each try and keep an Amazon wish list, which helps.

    12. I choose, purchase, and wrap gifts for DH, our kid, 15 extended family members (12 of whom are on DH’s side), and our kid’s teachers. If DH can’t be bothered to tell his parents what he wants for Christmas, that’s not my problem. If they ask me what he wants, I tell them to ask DH. If they say they’ve texted and called and emailed, I casually say, “yeah, he’s been busy. I’m sure he’ll get back to you.” (He won’t.)

    13. Oof this is a definite drop the ball moment. “Any ideas what Tom wants for Christmas?” “Unfortunately, no, he’s so hard to shop for!/I’m not sure, you might check with him./Honestly, not that I can think of! Sorry to not be more helpful!” Rinse, repeat.

      OR, tell your husband this is happening and if he doesn’t respond with some actual ideas, you’re going to ask them for something that YOU actually want. A new coffee maker? A comfy sweatshirt in his size that you can steal/borrow? A nice throw blanket? Tickets to a musical for both of you? A subscription to a news magazine that actually you want to read? The possibilities are endless! :)

  13. I did a thing last week. After losing 125 lbs over the course of 4 years, I had an arm lift to get rid of my excess skin. I am thrilled at the results. I haven’t worn short sleeves in public since I was in high school and I’m now 48. After having to size up 2-3 sizes to find blazers and fitted dresses that would fit my arms, they are now proportional. I’m 5’7 and 131 lbs and my arms now match the rest of me.
    I’m thinking ahead to Christmas and New Year’s Eve and want a fun outfit that shows off all my hard work. Send me your links/recs to fun dresses, sleeveless tops, etc. I’ve gone from a size 18 to a size 2 on bottom and expect I will be a similar size on top after recovery. (For example, pre-surgery, I could wear a J Crew sweater blazer in small because it had stretchy arms).

    2. Yaaaayyy! I dress like a pile of blankets from now until spring, so I don’t have any specific recommendations for you. Look at the Wardrobe Oxygen post about going out tops for grown a$$ women.

    4. Congratulations! Can I ask a tacky question and ask how much an arm lift costs? Not asking for a friend.

      1. I did consults in my small city and two nearby cities in the SEUS. I had quotes ranging from $7-$14k for extended arm lift with lipo. I ended up going for the dr who was around $8k (discounted because I didn’t actually need lipo by the time my surgery date arrived).

      1. The first 70 was through getting my hashimotos diagnosed and getting on proper meds coupled with intermittent fasting. Plateaued for a year during early pandemic days. Last 50 or so was with Wegovy. This is absolutely a life changing medicine for someone with pcos and prediabetes.

    7. Wow, what an accomplishment! I would buy something from Reformation because their stuff only seems to look good on people in the 0-2 size range.

    8. CONGRATULATIONS! I’m so inspired by your weight loss amount and the fact that you did it in your mid-40s – you go girl.

  14. Does anyone else here have an ARM? I would have preferred to be a fixed-rate borrower (back when rates were low), but needed a HELOC to do some work that I couldn’t fund with cash. The ARM was OK 2 years ago, but OMG now it has about doubled in cost. I don’t think I can get into anything else now (I don’t want to touch the first mortgage), but if there is something to do other than prepay it as much as I can (right now, I am making an imputed 6.5% tax-free return on each extra dollar I send in each month, so that at least makes me happy). But this is a bit of a pinch (like I may need to buy a car in the next year or two and that cash would be useful for that vs getting a car loan that will also be over 6%).

      1. I wouldn’t have an ARM as a first mortgage, but often if you need more $, you can only get a HELOC as an arm. You used to be able to get second liens, but I think only HELOCs now.

    2. Wait, so you have an adjustable rate second mortgage? What do you mean you don’t want to touch the first mortgage? Your option is to lock in at whatever the fixed rate is now or keep riding the wave of wherever interest rates go over the next few years.

      FWIW, in Canada most mortgage rates are only for 5 years, then you have to “renew” at a new rate for the next 5 year period, and on and on. There is no 25 or 30 year fixed rate. Somehow an entire country of people manage to make this work, you just have to not buy at the top of your affordability when interest rates are at 1.75%…

      2. Well that’s a point for team USA and how we have wealth creation here. Not saying everything’s amazing but this is a feature not a bug.

    4. All you can do is snowball payments at your HELOC. And yes, all HELOCs are adjustable rate. I don’t know why people are shading you for that, you have no other option. The standard thing has always been to refi and combine your second and first into a new loan, but I agree you don’t want to do that now. Push out the new car as long as you can, and pay down that HELOC!

  15. Listening to a recent podcast reminded me that there is reasonably-promising emerging science that the bacteria in your gut affects your mood, and that certain probiotics can change this somewhat quickly. Not sure I believe it, but it seems low risk high reward to try for a few months…

    That said, I’m very supplement adverse and naturally cautious about random crap that may be lurking in unregulated pills. has anyone done the research to determine a reliable/safe brand that sells probiotics targeted at mood enhancement?

    1. As a microbiologist I can say that it’s definitely possible that gut microbes affect your mood, but at least at this point, much less certain that it’s possible to easily manipulate them, especially by something as simple as taking a probiotic. I’d be pretty skeptical about this and always keep in mind that anything with the potential to help can also harm.

    2. I’ve read that this is one of the benefits of a diet rich in raw fruits and veggies — it shifts your gut biome and this your mood. Maybe a lower-risk path forward?

      2. Microbiologist again. All the best evidence points in this direction. Not just fruits and veggies, but an overall high fiber diet from a diversity of plants (so also lots of beans and whole grains). It’s not just about one type of organism that you can take in a probiotic, but creating a diverse community, and the way to do that is by feeding them what they want to eat. But it’s definitely complicated and it’s almost certainly the case that certain microbes could make one condition better and another condition worse or affect different people differently, even if we generally consider them to be part of a healthy microbiome.

        1. I have nothing to add but want to say how awesome the breadth and depth of knowledge on this s!te is. There’s a microbiologist! Thank you for sharing your professional knowledge. I’m not OP but am grateful to have this info.

    3. Given the “reasonably-promising” state of the emerging science on this topic, I doubt there are any probiotics on the market that are known to target mood enhancement. And if a brand did make such a claim, it’s certainly not backed by peer-reviewed science (see above re: emerging science).

      That said, I agree with Curious that part of the emerging science in this area shows that the gut bacteria associated with eating lots of fruits and vegetables are also likely associated with better mood, to say nothing of better overall health and improved immune function (which would also put me in a better mood, but who knows whether it would have any tangible effect on something like clinical depression or GAD the same way an SSRI might). It’s an absolutely fascinating area of research.

    4. Fermented foods are the best probiotics — supplements a) may not contain what they say and b) may not do what they say. There is a government website that tells you if a particular strain helps with something in particular (IBS, for example) — but I’m not sure “improved mood” is in there. it’s probably better for your gut and mood to just change your food intake.

      https://www.nytimes.com/2021/08/13/well/eat/yogurt-kimchi-kombucha-microbiome.html

      (Also, if your mood has been lousy the past few weeks, try a happy light for SAD!)

    5. Why not just eat the good stuff? (drink kombucha and those prebiotic sodas, add kimchi to your dinners, add sauerkraut to your sandwiches).

    6. Agreeing with microbiologist and Curious that supplements may not be effective. Addressing it via diet is likely a better choice, but start slowing when adding these foods to avoid digestive upset. Google buytrate and Short chain fatty acids. Prebiotic dietary fiber is starts probiotics, which then create short chain fatty acids, like butyrate. We get butyrate and other short-chain fatty acids from eating foods that are high in resistant starch. Resistant starch literally “resistant” to digestion—it does not break down in the body. When the resistant starch arrives in the colon, the good bacteria feed on it, producing butyrate—which then gives the cells in the colon walls. Adding these to the diet probably can’t hurt: overnight cold rolled oats (oatmeal), cooked and cooled potatoes and rice (if cooled 24 hours and reheated only slightly) and legumes- beans/peas/lentils. You can also get resistant starch from whole grains, fibrous vegetables such as asparagus and broccoli stems, the peels of some fruits, like apples, and other cellulose sources.

      Here are some scholarly articles.
      https://icjs.us/the-gut-may-be-the-door-to-effective-depression-treatment/ https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S0753332222002505#:~:text=Previous%20studies%20have%20shown%20that,%2Dinflammatory%20effects%20%5B54%5D. https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.3109/10428194.2016.1144879?scroll=top&needAccess=true

  16. I’ve been on 3 dates with someone I met on a dating app. We had talked about meeting for dinner tonight, but I’m just not super excited about it. Between both of our work schedules and Thanksgiving we won’t be able to meet for at least 2 weeks anyways. I can’t tell if the fact that I don’t feel like “I can’t wait to see him” means that I’m not that into him or, since I’ve enjoyed previous dates enough, I should just give it more time.

    I’m trying to tell if I’m just not feeling social today or Im just not feeling this as much. I don’t want to throw away something without a good reason. If a friend had invited me out to dinner instead I would feel like that is lower expectations but also more of a guaranteed fun time

    1. Would switching up the plan (e.g., dinner in or more casual?) change your view of it? If not, it sounds like maybe you’re just not that into them right now.

      1. I’m actually the one who suggested dinner, because our previous dates had been super casual and I wanted something more.

        The other part is that I am slow to warm up to gardening. We did few things and I said I didn’t want to go farther and he was fine with it and thanked me for telling him my boundaries, but ofc he wants to and that makes me a bit nervous too.

        1. If you’re not feeling comfortable with him, then end it. I think if you were really excited about the guy you wouldn’t feel so nervous.

    3. Whether you want to go on the suggested date with him tonight and whether you want to go on another date with him at all are two separate questions.

      You might not be feeling dinner tonight but might be up for a museum visit or walk in the park on Sunday afternoon.

    4. Pick something you would like to do instead (regardless of person you do it with). If you’d rather visit a new mall, check out a bookstore, or try a happy hour at a cocktail place, do that. That way you are guaranteed a fun time (something you would’ve liked to do anyway) and possible bonus of interesting person to do it with.
      Otoh, if you just dont feel like going out/doing anything today, then cancel and say you are under the weather (true, if it’s a couch day).

  17. How do you “interview” a therapist? How do you know if a therapist is a good fit? I’m having a phone consult with one this afternoon. I need help, but I’ve seen therapists in the past and never found it useful/helpful, but I’m not sure if that’s because of the therapist or because talk therapy isn’t for me.

    1. Ask what modality or type of therapy she plans to try and why. Ask what happens if that modality doesn’t end up clicking for you. Look for someone who is on the same page as you about the goals of therapy and has an evidence-based plan for achieving those goals.

    2. It isn’t an interview as much as it’s looking for a click. First, what are you going to therapy for? An addiction therapist may need to be the specific kind of addiction you have. If it’s childhood trauma or divorce support or overwhelmed at work or setting boundaries or whatever it is, if you know what your area of need is, seek out a therapist specializing in that. Ask the therapist how much time they’ve spent specializing in the area you need. Think about your own needs in being talked with and ask about that. For example, I am an overthinker who can justify things and have friends who are gentle with me. As a result, I asked my therapist if she is the right fit to call me out if I am overthinking or justifying in a matter of fact way. I said that, if not, could she refer me to someone who could. Not only did she confirm, it gave her my permission to use that approach, which helped us build the relationship. I looked for someone who is LGBT+ inclusive because I do not want someone who focuses or encourages based on traditional or conservative beliefs. I sought out someone not in a religious practice as I am not religious. I also asked her if she had feelings about swearing because I didn’t want to offend her nor have to watch my words during emotions.

      I also talked about what did not work before. I talked about how I did not want someone to just listen while I talk and that’s it, I didn’t want someone encouraging medication right off but would discuss it if they could articulate why, etc.

      Also tell them that you’re okay if it’s not the right fit and would appreciate if they can either explain why they are the right fit or to recommend someone and share why they are recommending that someone.

      Also, good for you for going! YAY!

    3. If you have specific items you want to work through (abuse? parent problems? self-esteem?) ask them how much experience they have with it.

  18. I have some acorn squash and apples I need to use up. Would like to make them into a dinner tonight and for protein I could add beans or lentils, but not sure how to cook the beans. Any idea for dishes that use squash, beans, and apples? I have a ton of spices on hand. TIA!

    1. What kind of beans? Dry or canned? Squash and apples can make a very good soup with lots of butter and a red onion. You’d have to get going on dry beans ASAP but it could be delicious.

    2. Cube the apples. Half the squash. Fill it with apples and precooked lentils and anything else you want. Bake it.

    4. I’d do lentils because they’re faster. While they’re cooking, I’d cook some onions with some spices (something curry-ish with turmeric would be good) and the squash (you could also roast this separately and then add it). Mix in the lentils, apples, and maybe some spinach (fresh or frozen) or other veggies, and cook a bit longer.

  19. Speaking of gifts, I’d like recommendations for a Bluetooth speaker with decent sound that’s under $100. I don’t want an Alexa type device, just a speaker that connects wirelessly to my iPhone. Thanks in advance!

    1. I’ve had a Bose portable speaker for years and years and adore. Extremely reliable, excellent sound (to my lay ears at least) and easy to pair. Also waterproof. They don’t sell my exact model anymore but the Soundlink Micro is closest as in on sale for $99!

      1. I have the bose soundlink mini for about 7 years now. It stopped turning on in year 3, I called Bose to see if there was a way to restart it or something, and they sent me a new one (even though mine was out of warranty). I did need to send my old one back. 10/10 would absolutely buy again, but mine is still going strong.

    5. I have a JBL Bluetooth speaker that is about 4″x4″x1″ that has great sound and cost closer to $40.

    7. Chiming in on the JBL. Mine is waterproof and clips on like a carabiner. I use it everywhere

  20. Would you put a rug with a cool geometric print in the dining room or in the living room? It’s sort of an accent for either otherwise very neutral room. Also buying a more neutral and subtle rug to put in either the dining room or the living room, which would look good in either room.

    1. If you don’t already have it, and if you don’t love it, I wouldn’t go with a geometric rug. They’re “out” and are going to look dated.

      If you love it, YES!

    2. dining room. The busy pattern will distract from any dropped food/drink spots on the rug.

    3. I’d put it in the living room because my theory on decorating a dining room is that everything should draw or push you toward the table and I think a geometric rug will pull you away from the table.

    4. I’d put the geometric pattern in the dining room if it will hide stains better than a neutral and subtle rug.

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