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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
Maybe I’m still in Valentine’s Day mode, but I’m really into the magenta floral pattern on this henley blouse from Loft. (Is it the giant bag of Reese’s hearts that I bought for 50% off yesterday? Probably.) I would wear this with dark jeans and a navy blazer for a casual office or with trousers and a sweater blazer for a slightly more formal look.
The top is $38.97, marked down from $64.95, at Loft and comes in sizes XXS–XXL.
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Anonymous
Is loneliness a valid reason to look for new job? I WFH 95% of the time, and go on site in rare instances. My husband works remotely 25% of the time, and days he is home, I do better mentally. My job is also pretty slow most days, I get things done quickly and have a lot of free time while I monitor email. I am thankful for my job, but quite lonely during the day and don’t feel cognitively challenged. Need to be on secure non public internet so cafes are a no go. I have been in this role 5 years, with almost 3 years WFH. Age 28
Anon
I get it — I love the office and even though we are WFH 2 in 3 out (soon flipping), no one bothers to show up it seems. Even an in-office-ish job these days may not get you what you want (so observing when you interview or before you accept will be key). Simultaneous interactions are so important when you are on-boarding and so few places do that well if not in-person.
Anonymous
Absolutely, yes. I worked from home for three years before the pandemic, and ended up depressed because it was simply way too much time alone in my house. My job didn’t require much people interaction through meetings or chat, so I didn’t even have that. I need something that regularly gets me out of the house and around people.
Cat
is there a reason you can’t go into the office? Did they close your location that you were based at before WFH? It’s the rare employer that would look unkindly at the request to be in more…
Anonymous
Not the OP, but sounds like we are in similar situations. Technically I could go into the office if I felt like sitting at an open desk in our enormous open office space all by myself. Doesn’t quite scratch the itch.
Anonymous
it’s still open but no one goes. it’s going to be repurposed soon into patient care space
Anonymous
If you like the work you’re doing:
– invest in a secure portable Wi-Fi device
– attend an area conference or event
– start volunteering (some companies will let you do an hour a week during the workday)
Anon
Our minor league baseball team hosts WFField days where you can come work in the stands (or upgrade to a suite). I did that once just for human contact. I see people working everywhere these days, just to see another human in 3D vs 2D form.
Anon
Depending on career path, I would add taking some kind of class for certs or credentials.
Anon
I think it’s valid, the same way that someone wanting to work hybrid/remote instead of working in the office is a valid reason. The fact that you’re also bored/underutilized is also in there. FWIW, I switched from a hybrid to fully remote job (thinking I wanted to work fully remote) and found the dynamics so different… I think my ideal situation is actually 1-2 days of collaborative work in the office with no/minimal commute.
When interviewing, I think I would focus on wanting more challenging work and opportunities to collaborate with your peers. I agree with notes below that you shouldn’t just focus on what managers SAY happens, but actually what does (e.g., ask what people’s usual schedules look like, how often they collaborate with teammates and how). My last, hybrid job was frustrating as everyone was supposed to be in the office 3 days, but at whatever schedule they wanted to, so I was spending days in the office on phone & teams calls and not getting any benefit from being in person.
Anonymous
Absolutely! It’s a major chunk of your life why not try and find something that makes you happy?
Anon
I never considered whether coworking spaces ever accommodate secure non-public internet. They can have a really nice sense of community, but I’m not sure if they provide that kind of option.
Anon
I don’t always use their network (and can use my phone as a hotspot with the work VPN). I tend to bring a few hours of work that I could also do at the car dealership, kids’ swim meet, etc. Intensive work is often for home, but it’s not 100% of my workday. Sometimes I want a quiet spot just for reading. I am mindful to keep some types of work at home and generally when I have to pack up to go to the bathroom, I head out anyway once I’m packed up.
Anonymous
If you are 28 and have been in a job for 5 years where you aren’t challenged and most days are slow, you should probably look for a new one regardless of whether you are lonely unless you like being bored. It is pretty normal to move around a lot at the beginning of your career unless you work somewhere you can get internal promotions; it’s often the only way to advance. (I’ve always worked at smaller non-profits with limited advancement potential due to their size so that is coloring my response).
pugsnbourbon
+1. It almost never hurts to see what’s out there.
Anon
100%
Anon
This. I don’t think it’s the loneliness that would make me change jobs. It’s the lack of challenge and not being fully invested in the job. I’d look for a new job but seek social interaction outside of my job. Get involved in your community, make friends you can meet up with for lunch on slow days, etc.
Anon
I just want to co-sign the idea that at 28, with 5 years in the same job and being bored to death/unchallenged, it’s time to make a move. OP is likely underpaid because of salary compression over time and it also may get to a point where she will be perceived as having stayed “too long” in one role.
I also just think it’s important, when you’re younger, to pursue challenging roles that will teach you things and expose you to many different people/types of people, and also – OP, if you want to move into leadership, now is the time to be pushing yourself and taking on stretch roles that will put you on an upward trajectory. If you don’t want to do that, that’s fine, but just know that nowadays there’s a lot of emphasis on leaders needing to be agile and adaptable. In many companies, sticking around for a long time isn’t a guaranteed path into leadership. At 28, right now you might not feel like you ever want to escalate, but believe me – that can change (ask me how I know).
txatty
It’s why I changed jobs at a previous position. My current role is 3 in 2 out and those are set days so we are all in office together certain days
anon_needs_a_break
there’s no council determining whether your reasons for job hunting are valid or not. It’s like ending a relationship; whatever reason you have – even none at all! – is valid.
Echoing the others that at 28 it’s time to move on and explore other options!
Anon
I found lonliness in a job to be unbearable. For a few years, I worked a a large university but I was the only person who did my job which was funded by an outside grant. The actual department did not really support me but allowed the position for political reasons. Beyond small talk, I didn’t really get to know other people and my job mostly entailed speaking with people on the phone and email across the state. Fast forward, I started doing that same job remotely and felt less lonely! I make lunch dates with people who want to spend time with and I attend work related events. Long way to say, your feelings are valid and you should find a way to get the social outlets you need!
Anon
I’m an attorney. I used to be in suits 24/7 former at-court job) and still need one from time to time. I am struggling with pants. I have to order and try on at home, so viewing from behind is tricky (vs stores with the good mirrors). I feel that things are too snug in the butt (and in suiting pants, any snugness there is wrong, yes?). You used to be able to find curvy cuts; now, not so much. Any advice? I can wear my current suits, but would dare not remove my jacket for fear of being a bit too booty-ful for the occasion. Prefer wool and prefer that wool pants be lined.
I saw a beautiful wool pencil skirt at BR last night and maybe I could just have skirt + jacket, but prefer how pants are slightly warmer in the shoulder seasons and eliminate the chub rub problem of skirts / dresses.
Cat
I mean, you don’t want to be able to see the whole detailed outline of your butt as it meets your thigh… but pants that don’t follow your curves at all aren’t really in style. Also, while longer jackets are trendy for the youths right now, I’m having a hard time picturing a jacket covering your whole rear in a traditional suit and having it look modern. All my jackets end at the hip.
Time to prop up your phone and set a self-timer, or do a video with a slow spin!
ELS
Like OP, I am an attorney who occasionally needs a suit (but not daily – maybe 2x-3x a month on average. I think you’re right on the money here. My solution as a pear with a pretty big hip/waist ratio is to buy wider leg styles like trouser cut instead of straight leg, and be open to tailoring the waist. And like you, all my jackets are hip-length. A longer jacket doesn’t read well on my body in a professional setting.
Trish
Same for me.
Former Parisian
What about a longer double-breasted jacket and wide-leg trousers? That would be very current and meet your requirements.
PolyD
Loft and Banana Republic Factory and I believe Talbots all have curvy cut pants. Ann Taylor might as well.
Signed, the person who often orders 4 sizes of the same pants (2 different sizes, curvy cut and straight cut).
Wool seems to have gone away, though. I don’t know if there’s some kind of sheep crisis going on, but you may have to compromise on the wool.
ELS
Ann Taylor does have curvy fit suiting pants! I am wearing some right now!
Anon
You can definitely still find curvy cuts.
Anon
Suit pants shouldn’t fit like a legging, and shouldn’t go up the crack, but there’s nothing wrong with having a butt — you don’t have to hide it!
Anon
Some of us don’t feel comfortable dressed that way.
Let’s just say, the time I tried wearing a completely basic, professional work outfit that was tailored to my curvy- ass (in a way that many stretchy curvy cuts are today, unfortunately), multiple male co-workers …. including my BOSS … all went out of their way to tell me I looked nice that day. That was not typical.
I never wore those pants again. Without saying anything clearly sexist/sexual, I knew exactly what they were looking at. It’s hard enough when you are in a male dominated industry, that the last thing I want is to be reminded they are staring at my a$$
thanksgiving anxiety
Why are men? My old office had lots of glass walls and I could always see men looking at my a$$ in the reflection, regardless of what I was wearing.
Anonymous
I am also pear shaped. The trousers that fit me are not advertised as curvy, but still fit. Look for straight or wide leg trousers from Talbots or one of the Tahari lines. At the higher end, Elie Tahari or Trina Turk. Higher than that, Lafayette 148 or St. John.
Anon
If you’re finding them too snug in the butt, they’re too small. Buy the larger size and get the waist taken in.
Nesprin
You need a good tailor. Sizing up and modifying waists to fit correctly is something that it sounds like you need.
Anonymous
This is why I only wear skirts or dresses as suits. I can never find pants that fit right without significant tailoring. I get my suits tailored anyway, but its is easier to get a skirt tailored than pants.
Ellen
I am much like you with clotheing and I too am a 24/7 lawyer with a tuchus. Pencil skirts draw a lot of attention from men, which is a good thing, but I do not like the sound of the whooshing b/c my legs are very close together, and the legs rub (either on my stockings or the dress) is what makes the sound.
But as a lawyer, you want to be sleek but silent when you are in court. This is the way to win court cases like I do, though your tuchus issues won’t get better with time. I was a size 0 in law school, but now I’m a snug fit in size 4. FOOEY!
Healthcare in Texas
I need some help assisting my brother in Lockhart, TX.
He has been too sick to work for two years. It might be long COVID, or it might be something else. No one knows. He has no job, no income, no savings, no spouse/partner/kids. A friend is letting him live with her.
We tried to get UT Austin’s hospital to see him under their charity care program. The screener said that he is not eligible for their charity care program because he has something called MAP.
I know nothing about Texas, but MAP looks like a cheap version of Medicaid for Texas residents that covers only the most basic care at a limited number of clinics. They refuse to send him to a specialist, they cannot help him (he has gotten worse while seeing them) and no one besides MAP clinics take MAP.
UT Austin says if he leaves MAP and tries to qualify for their charity care, they will tell him no because he is eligible for MAP and chose to leave it.
Any suggestions?
Lily
Sorry if this sounds privileged, but can’t you (with any other family members potentially chipping in) just pay in cash to send him to a specialist (like, ASAP)? Then you can reevaluate how to pay if the specialist requires expensive tests or further appointments or therapies.
Healthcare in Texas
We’re talking tens of thousands of dollars. So, no.
Anon
An appointment with a specialist isn’t tens of thousands of dollars even if you don’t have insurance. It’s normally a few hundred.
Anon
+1
A thorough assessment at a major hospital by a reputable, correct specialist is affordable for you. You ask for the self-pay discount, and do not submit the visit to his insurance. I do this frequently, unfortunately, because my insurance is so terrible that it is usually cheaper for me to pay out of pocket with the self pay discounts with my high deductible plan.
Otherwise it is time for him to move.
Is there something else going on here? Is there a mental health issue at play?
anon a mouse
Not the OP, but I’m guessing the tens of thousands refers to not just a visit (a few hundred) but also any diagnostic tests, which if you are talking about any imaging gets very expensive very quickly. But can we trust that the OP has considered this and ruled it out?
Anon
“Otherwise it is time for him to move.”
As someone who also has a sibling with serious chronic health problems, this can make a huge difference. I understand it’s not always possible but a single person with no kids and no job should be able to relocate fairly easily, and there is no minimum residency requirement for getting on Medi-Cal if he goes to California; he just has to be residing in California “with the intent to stay there long-term or permanently.” One of my friends was on Medi-Cal at one point and it’s pretty good; I would bet it’s more comprehensive than the Texas version of Medicaid, especially since Texas refused Medicaid expansion.
Anonymous
Sorry “if”?!?! Dear God Lily some thoughts can stay in your head.
Anonymous
I’m sorry I don’t have suggestions this sounds very hard!
pugsnbourbon
Is UT Austin refusing to take MAP and also refusing to give him charity care?
Healthcare in Texas
Correct.
pugsnbourbon
Argh that’s so frustrating, I’m sorry. Have you gotten as high up their ladder as you can go? If you have, then unfortunately I think self-pay would be the way to go, at least until he can get a diagnosis.
Monday
Has he called MAP and told them this?
Laura
+1 – have you spoken with anyone in the MAP program or Central Health, the entity that administers it (I live in Austin)? It looks like he may be able to get Carr through Seton (a local hospital chain), though there’s a pending lawsuit between CH and Seton over MAP care. I’m so sorry – I hope your brother is able to find help.
Laura
*get care
Deedee
What initially caused your brother to become too ill to work? Was he able to collect unemployment or disability for any part of the past two years? Does your brother receive SSDI or SSI now? I think your top priority may have to be getting him all the services and entitlements possible given that he’s too ill to work. Medicaid qualifications vary state to state, but in general if you’re receiving Medicaid, it helps to qualify you for other services. I’m very sorry to say that I don’t think him seeing a specialist is necessarily the top priority, given how you describe his circumstances. Even if his clinic were able to refer him to a specialist, it seems unlikely there would be a speedy resolution to his health issues.
Does the clinic he’s currently seeing have a social worker? That could be a place to start.
With apologies for the need to ask this: are you certain that his clinic won’t refer him to a specialist? Does he have anyone on the ground helping him with his medical problems or are you getting all these updates from him directly? Sometimes low-income/state-run clinics are very slow to help without lots of hands-on involvement and follow up–which can be unbelievably challenging for someone struggling with what I imagine may be symptoms like brain fog, fatigue, etc. It’s also quite common for MDs to drag their feet on validating symptoms that might qualify a patient for long-term benefits like SSDI/SSI.
Anonymous
Needhelppayingbills.com has a detailed page about the services available to him in Texas, that will help you sort out what he may be eligible for. You may be able to find additional free assistance with applications for any applicable benefits.
NYNY
If your brother goes to an emergency room, they have to evaluate and stabilize him before discharging him, regardless of his ability to pay. This could be the first step to getting him what he needs, because hospitals also have social workers and financial counselors who can help navigate Medicaid and charity care coverage for outpatient follow-up care. In your situation, I would take him to the ED at UT Austin. He might get some very high bills, but they can’t make him pay them.
Healthcare in Texas
This is all very helpful. Thank you for the suggestions. And, yes, you can trust that OP has “considered this and ruled it out.” I appreciate the help.
anon a mouse
Ha, sorry, I didnt mean that to sound snarky! I meant it more in a “let’s trust that OP has considered this and ruled it out.” Good luck to you and your brother.
Healthcare in Texas
I appreciate this. Thanks.
Healthcare Helper
I’ll post again in the morning Paging Healthcare in Texas but – if you will post a burner email or some other way to contact you, I can explain things a bit. I used to work for Central Health that administers MAP and a major clinic system that is funded by CH/takes MAP. I can explain the program and get you started.
Bless you for reaching out to assist your brother. It’s hard to navigate systems.
Anon
I need a pep talk, and maybe a script, for giving notice to my boss. I’ve generally been treated well by my current employer. We are entering a busy season so my departure will burden my colleagues who I genuinely like. But I got a job that meets my long term goals. I’m afraid I’m going to over share and/or blather in trying to explain myself and ease my guilt that I’m leaving people in the lurch. How do I keep it professional?
Anon
Just keep it short and sweet. “Boss, I wanted to let you know I’ve accepted another job and my last day here will be __. I’ve really enjoyed working with you.” Then they’ll probably ask questions and you can go from there.
Anon
+1. I’ve always been very stressed about giving notice, but if your boss is a halfway decent person (or recognizes that being jerky to you won’t actually help them) they’ll probably be a little shell shocked but neutral.
OP
I’m not so worried about what I will say initially but rather what I will say in response to boss’s questions. I do have a tendency to say more than I intended when nervous. But my concern is also related to the fact that I’m not sure what amount of information is appropriate in a professional relationship. I don’t want to come off as curt or gloating.
Vicky Austin
I responded below, but not blathering when given questions is a weakness of mine too, and I do find that nodding and pausing before answering a question helps me with that.
Anon
Think through what they might say and be prepared with short answers
– “Is there anything I can do to change your mind?” There isn’t, but I will works towards a smooth transition in my remaining time here.
– “Is this because _____?” No, this is the right move for me long term, though I will miss our team.
Etc. Agree with others that the key is to say something and then just STOP TALKING (easier said than done sometimes!)
Anon
I really appreciate my time here and all I have learned, but this is the best step for me right now.
Anonymous
It sounds like, when you get into a conversation like this where you feel strongly or you’re not relaxed and at ease, you talk too much or you lose track of what you’re saying and later think that you said too much? If that’s the case, have you found anything that helps you be aware of what you’re doing ::as you’re doing it:: . . . and stop yourself? If you go in prepared, can you usually stay on topic r do you get in the moment and just start saying . . . whatever?
Vicky Austin
+1. This would be me, and the (few) times that I’ve given notice I’ve tried to be aware of this going in. I decided exactly how I would begin the conversation and that I would not say anything else while my boss reacted.
Strangely, the thing that helped the most was having something else to fidget with so my mouth didn’t do the fidgeting – I think I just played with my wedding ring the first time around. The second time was virtual, so I just petted my dog under the desk, haha. If that would help but neither wedding ring nor pet is an option for you, they make these little spinny fidget rings (try searching “anxiety rings”).
(I realize actively fidgeting may not telegraph the best impression, but when I’m having a tense conversation, it’s about survival. There might be subtler strategies that will help you; I’ll be following to learn what they are!)
Laura
I do this too, with rings or other jewelry typically. Or maybe doodling – could be easier to pass off as taking notes if thats relevant. It may not be the most composed but it improves the overall situation because at least verbally I come off calmly.
Anon
This is good. OP go into the meeting thinking “silence is ok” and don’t be tempted to fill in the conversational gaps yourself.
Davis
One of my biggest personal realizations is that you don’t have to answer every question that is asked of you. Yes, in this work situation, you may have more you need to answer such as “What’s the status of the Abraham’s transaction?” but try to distinguish those from the curiosity questions. Silence is OK and so is an answer that doesn’t really answer the question…think about politicians!
Anon
I also tend to talk too much. I’m a lawyer and would be terrible in a deposition or a police interrogation because I always fall for the trick where the interviewer waits to see if I’ll fill the silence. Yes, yes I will.
One thing that helps me is to practice a generic answer that can be applicable to a lot of questions beforehand. Like, I practice saying it out loud. When I changed jobs last time, I told my boss I had accepted a new job at X and my last day would be Y. Then I repeated in my head, “No more, no more…” while he reacted. He asked a few follow up questions, and I said, “I’ve been wanting to try X type of work and opportunities there are rare, so I had to jump on it.” Then I repeated some version of that same sentence to most every question after. I’ve found that if the supervisor is a nice person, they’re going to be understanding and not go too far into nosey details. They may ask “Was it something I did?” Or “Was it your pay here?” Or something like that, but I would just say, “No, [repeat my generic sentence].”
Also! I see you don’t want to come across as gloating. First of all, you should be very proud of yourself for getting a new job that you really wanted! But second of all, you won’t come across as gloating– you’re just giving them facts. If they infer from those facts that you’re awesome and you have a great opportunity, then so be it. But just telling them the new job isn’t gloating! This is also an issue I have (minimizing my own accomplishments so I don’t seem like I’m bragging.)
Anon
Don’t even mention the timing. It’s business. People leave all the time. It’s nice of you to be concerned for your colleagues and recognize the burden it’s putting on them, but it’s not your fault. Just give notice like you would any other time.
Anon
I would love to hear your stories about meeting your partner over 35 (or even if you met your partner on a dating app)! I’m feeling a bit down lately. I got out of a long term relationship in my early 30s and I’ve been dating for about 3 years using the apps. Usually I’m pretty optimistic but it’s just so repetitive and I want my person so badly!
Anon
I met my husband online at 40! Happier than I ever imagined. And would have been divorced a lot of times over if my early 30s boyfriends had stuck.
Anon
I would also love these stories. Genuinely feeling like I missed the boat.
Signed, 37 and single
Anon
I felt that way until I met my husband at 38. Don’t give up! Take the time to invest in yourself. I kept feeling like something was wrong with me, that I needed to undertake extensive self-improvement of some sort. But when I actually relaxed, I enjoyed myself a lot more while dating.
Monday
I met my partner when we were both in our late 30s on OkCupid. He was the 15th person I went out with during that round of online dating. I don’t believe there is any hack or secret to dating–it just sucks until it doesn’t. I also advocate going on as few dates as you want, including long stretches with no dates if that’s how it shakes out.
Anonie
Not over 35 but I did meet my husband on a dating app and so did many of close friends! I found taking breaks very healthy and helpful while using the apps. If I got overly stressed or was very disappointed because a seemingly good match ghosted after a few dates, I would take a break for a month or so and push dating aside, then pick back up when I was emotionally ready. I also found it beneficial to agree to multiple first and second dates around the same time so that I didn’t get overly invested in any one person too early. In the case of my husband, he demonstrated commitment early on and I didn’t end up going on any more dates with anyone else after our first, but that was not the norm. It generally helped not to put “all my eggs in one basket,” so to speak. Best wishes! I know it can be hard out there but often good things are just around the corner!
Anon
I went on dozens of dates on the apps…probably well over 50. It didn’t work until I did. I met my husband and we married within a year and a half. Late 30s, very happy! My advice is take breaks as needed. I met so many men who only wanted gardening even though I made it clear that my intent was to find a long term partner. Don’t have high expectations. Don’t make excuses for early red flags or get too invested to early. I was ghosted a number of times, which really hurt, but ultimately I’m glad they removed themselves from my life to make space for my wonderful partner!
Anon
It didn’t work until it did*
Anon
Same — dated actively for 2 something years post-divorce in my mid-30s and lucked into meeting my now-husband. Honestly it’s literally just luck. He and I were on the same app during the same time period but every time one of us was active the other one was kind of seeing someone or taking a break. Eventually the timing aligned. I actually had gotten so frustrated that I decided to take a few months off dating, but I was already talking to him and agreed to “one last first date” just in case and it was a nice time, so I figured, what the hell, one more date won’t hurt… that was about 3-4 months before the pandemic really started so if I had taken that break before meeting, him, we might have missed each other for another year or forever. So, good luck!!
ELS
Hi! This is me. I got divorced in my early 30s, and had a hard time in the dating world, at least as far as finding a I met my partner of just over 2 years on a dating app when I was about 4 months from turning 36. I had been swiping and taking breaks with no real success for years (I’d date someone for a few months, but no real relationships).
When we met, it wasn’t immediately obvious to me that we’d be here 2 years later. He was and is very introverted when around new people, and while he was funny and charming and a really kind person, it was hard to tell if he was just a polite person, or if he was really into me. Turns out: Yes.
I say this just to say that I thought I would immediately know when I met the person I wanted to live my life with, especially given my relationship history and all my friends saying I would. I definitely came to a time that I knew, but it took us both a little bit of time to figure ourselves out.
Anon
Met my husband at 37 online. Seven years later we have two healthy, beautiful children and a good life together. That said – do I think he’s my “soulmate”, whatever that means? Not necessarily. I made a conscious decision to winnow down my dealbreakers (that is, be less picky) because above all, I wanted to have biological children within a partnership. It’s probably an unpopular opinion here and people will say I settled – but with the benefit of hindsight, I can see how unreasonable I was being with all the qualities I wanted in a partner. YMMV of course.
Anon
What kind of dealbreakers are we talking here? Superficial things like “must be over 6 feet” or more serious things? I’ve been told I’m too picky too, but I do think my standards are pretty low – it’s just so hard finding someone to meet even those standards!
Anonymous
Biggest deal breaker I gave up was ‘must love to travel’. He moved to my hometown so we could be together so I deal via trips with my kids, mom or friends.
Looks wise – previous I thought Mr Right would be 6 feet plus with dark hair and clean shaven and a decent dresser. DH is 5’9”, blonde, light beard and hates dressing more formal than a dress shirt and sweater with ‘nice’ jeans. Shrug. He takes care of himself physically, is a fantastic dad, washes all the dishes and does half the other chores. I can get over the travel part.
Anon
Not anon, but here are some things about my truly amazing husband others might think were dealbreakers: height (5’6), income (under 100k when we met), job prestige (public interest), race (I’m white and he isn’t). I don’t think I settled at all though. In fact, i know I didn’t. He’s amazing, and we’ve built an incredible life together.
Anon
Height requirements are just silly. I’m 5’11” and my (super hot, imo!) husband is 5’9″ on a good day. When we got married, several friends made snide comments about how I was “settling” or how I should hold out for someone taller. Those friends are all still single or divorced from $hitty men and my husband and I are blissfully happy, 15+ years later. I agree with “don’t settle” in terms of don’t accept someone who isn’t attractive or kind or treats you well. But a lot of the arbitrary requirements are silly. And fwiw, it’s anecdotal but I’ve always thought really tall guys are way more likely to be douchebags. Because so many women want tall guys, they can get girls without being a good person and it shows.
Anon
I think it’s ok to settle or change your expectations. I don’t really have sympathy for people struggling in dating and expect to find a man who is 6’2”, full head of hair and very well paid job who treats you well and still has time to spend with you without any family drama. That’s just not reality for most people. I don’t think it’s necessarily settling. It’s just realizing the fairy tale isn’t realistic.
Anon
I’m sorry, but you’ve just totally created a straw man. Most single women are not looking for a fairy tale.
Anon
I’m amazed at how many women make height a strict dealbreaker. I am skeptical it’s really everyone’s type and not some weird cultural thing where a partner’s height is a status symbol, like men who insist on women being so thin it’s a status symbol.
Anon
No, but some have an incredibly long list of filtering criteria, which means they’re turning away men who could turn out to be really great partners because the man meets 13 of the 15 criteria but not the last two and so NOPE, that’s a no-go. Most women I know who are partnered are not with the “man of their dreams” but with someone who met, let’s say, 10 of their 15 criteria, and maybe one of the “does-not-meet” items is something that could be a deal-breaker, but they’ve worked it out. There are no perfect men and there are no perfect partnerships.
There’s also no such thing as a relationship that doesn’t involve compromise of some sort. I have seen statements here and elsewhere along the lines of “well, if he doesn’t want to go along with me about X, Y and Z he can just forget it.” Good luck finding a smart, funny, thoughtful, successful person who somehow also does not have any needs, desires or preferences of his own and is basically just a doormat who will do whatever he’s told. P.S. doormats are just no fun in relationships, IME and I’d rather have to work things out with someone who has strong points of view of his own than deal with a person who’s basically a bowl of Jell-O in human form.
Anon
I don’t agree that this is a straw man. I’ve read multiple comments here from women who have height or salary minimums or who think things like not reading are dealbreakers. My wonderful husband is 5’8″, doesn’t read and was earning a $22k stipend in grad school when I met him. He’s very smart, kind, funny, handsome and a wonderful husband and father. I agree you should not compromise on character and you shouldn’t settle for someone you don’t love or aren’t physically attracted to, but things like height, salary and having XYZ interest seem like silly requirements to me and lots of women still want men who check these boxes.
Anon
Yeah, on the height thing: one of my very good friends is 5’10, athletic, smart, professional job earning good money, loves pets, owns his own place, incredibly empathetic, amazing cook… and single because women think he’s not tall enough and his hair is thinning.
It’s like men who ignore kind, smart, even keeled women because they aren’t a size 4 or are over 30.
Anon
Yes, Anon at 3:12! That describes my co-worker exactly. He’s a great guy and would make a great husband, but he has no luck on dating apps because he’s average height and balding.
Anon
I take the view that when it comes to character, don’t settle. Don’t give up one inch on that.
Once you’re dating someone of impeccable character, do you get along? Do you have the same big goals for life (where you want to live, whether or not you want kids, similar faiths or both agnostic/atheist)? Are you physically attracted to him?Congratulations, you **may** have met your husband.
The women who get understandably upset by being told to “settle” haven’t met a man who meets the above criteria. I dated a LOT before meeting my husband (age 36 if that helps) and most of the men I dated didn’t meet those criteria. (Two did, and they were the two I dated before meeting my husband.)
Monday
Totally agree. No compromises at all on character.
I have a friend with a tall, handsome and very rich husband. She told me that she wouldn’t want her daughter to grow up to be in a marriage like hers. That is settling, IMO. It’s sad.
anon
I divorced at 30 and online dated for 7-8 years before starting my relationship with my now-husband at 38. We had actually known each other for years (co-workers) but he wasn’t on my radar as a partner because he was married, then going through a divorce, then I wasn’t single, etc. At a certain point he was single and I was singled and I was like, “Hey, wait a second here…”
When I was dating online, I was looking for a guy who was, among other things, interested in international travel, super into endurance sports, a regular churchgoer, and without kids. My husband is fine with but not passionate about international travel, constantly trying to get his exercise routine restarted, and came with two children. He was a Christian but wasn’t attending church. In the end, by not being my Ideal Man, he brought he things that I didn’t know i needed in my life – most importantly, my two stepchildren, whom I adore. Meeting IRL helped, because he was a person, not a list of attributes on a screen.
One Day
I met my husband at the local Jewish Community Center when I was 40 and he was 44. That was 15+ years ago. One day we didn’t know each other; the next day we did.
Anonymous
I’m 36 and I’m going to 4 weddings this summer – all for women who met their partners on dating apps at 35+! And their partners are great. One is in a band that plays all over the north east and owns a successful business as his day job, one is super into hiking/adventure travel just like my friend is, one has become one of my husband’s best friends so we hang out with them constantly, and one I don’t know as well because they live across the country. All really nice and excited to have kids ASAP.
ProfP
I met my husband at a work conference, then another, and another… Over five years, the time together wasn’t huge, but it added up.
Anon
I met my husband at a CLE post-divorce. He assumed I was taken/married, so he didn’t ask me out. We matched on Coffee Meets Bagel a month later. He didn’t think he was interested in dating women with kids, but decided to give it a shot since we had met IRL. I think we both new we would get married within a month.
Anon
My siblings and I are all divorced and remarried and met our second spouses online. All over 35.
One of my besties met her husband in a running group. She was over 40 and was still healing from being with a narcissist, she was Done With Men, and then she met the nicest guy. He’s 10 years older than her, shy, never married, and they are the sweetest couple. When they were dating he was so nice and respectful that she thought he was faking it!!
edj3
I was divorced at 35. I met my now husband three years later but honestly was too scared to date him as he seemed to good to be true (I dated a lot of Trads, nuff said).
Over the next three years, while still refusing to date him, we’d meet for lunch or drinks, went out to dinner a time or two but definitely not dating. Then 9/11 happened, and a month later his entire business unit at work was laid off. I knew at that point I’d made a mistake in not saying yes to dating him.
Long story not so long, we got married in 2003 so are coming up on 20 years of marriage. He’s the best life partner I could ever ask for and I’m glad it’s worked out this way.
smurf
not over 35 but my partner was when we met via an app! It can & does happen. Honestly part of my success this time I think was that I kept chatting/dating other guys when we first matched, and for first few dates. It helped me think through how well we truly fit together, my attraction, and also not getting too attached too fast. We’re engaged now and I’ve never been in a happier or healthier relationship. I didn’t know it could be this good.
My last long term relationship was like one of the first guys I had a good conversation with on the apps that round and I dove in way too fast. The reasons we didn’t work out were there from the start if I had slowed down.
FormerlyPhilly
My brother (42) is fun to be around, has great friends, a good/reliable job, bought and maintains a single family home, loves to travel… and is still single, after a few long relationships that didn’t pan out. He wants to be in a relationship and just isn’t meeting the right people. If you or anyone is in the Rochester NY area, let me know. I think I even posted about this before maybe in 2020/2021 pandemic times. Even my husband, who steers clear of this sort of thing, is keeping his eyes open to find my brother a partner.
BTW, I met my husband at 33 when I wasn’t looking. Not quite 35 but felt like it was never going to happen. Keep enjoying life and adventures and don’t give up!
Anonymous
I got married for the first time at 27 and divorced at 38 with a 6 year old. Dating was not a priority for me and I never signed up for apps or anything. But I ended up connecting with a coworker in his mid-40s who’d been divorced a few years before and had preteen kids. At first we were just friends bonding over some similarities in our divorces, then we became friends with benefits (Note: I don’t recommend this with a co-worker! but in my case it worked out well) and then one day he told me he was in love with me and wanted to be together for real or end our situationship so he could move on. It was terrifying and I didn’t feel ready to commit to someone again, but I said yes and long story short we were married less than a year later right before I turned 40. It hasn’t always been easy – blending two families can be rough – but we both feel it’s worth it. I think the fact that we’re older and have been married before makes us appreciate it each other more and not take the good stuff for granted. Good luck!
Anon
Arg I hate Plantar Fasciitis! I’ve been to the podiatrist and am doing PT and it’s just not improving. I’ve got a sleeping boot, rolling on a lacrosse ball, icing, stretching. Does anyone have suggestions or tips or commiseration? It’s so frustrating to not be able to move about like I want to!
shanananana
commiseration and tips – I don’t have exactly that but a long term tendon issue that manifests pretty similarly – no heels, rest, anti inflammatory meds and good orthotics are the only thing that brings me back when I reaggravate it.
London (formerly NY) CPA
Commiseration! I had mine under control for awhile and then it flared back up and no amount of stretching or wearing insoled sneakers is making it go away :(
Anon
I know you’re doing PT, but make sure you are seeing a PT who looks at your whole body instead of just focusing on your feet and calves. It’s entirely possible for tightness or weakness in your hips, back, pelvic floor, etc to affect your posture and how you use your feet.
Cb
YMMV but I basically fixed it with one of those as seen on TV foot rockers. I could barely walk and while it recurs, a few days using the rocker sorts it.
Anon 2.0
I second the foot rocker. They can be purchased for around $20 on Amazon. I had a horrible bout of this last summer and it left me wearing Birkenstocks to a decidedly non-Birkenstock friendly job as it was all I could tolerate. (Thankfully, people understood). I needed a round of steroids to kick start but the foot rocker and standing on the edge of a step and lowering my heel down ended up working.
Anon
Two things helped mine (although PF seems to be very variable-what works for one has zero benefit for another): (1) every morning, before my feet hit the ground next to my bed, I did 10 circles with each foot (circling the ankle) in each direction, so 20 circles/foot, stretching the ankle and heel as much as possible; and (2) wearing Oofos at home, all the time. I wore Oofos any time I was not at work or running. My PF was in both feet and was terrible.
Anon
+1 I love my Oofos sandals for around the house. I treat them like slippers and don’t wear them outside.
Anon
Oofos at home are a lifesaver. I finally got the hardwood floors I always wanted and did not realize how much my feet had relied on thick carpets!
Anon
I love my Oofos but have a cautionary tale – I am a super pronator and a few months ago rounded a corner in the house, rolled my ankle 90 degrees, and ended up with a severely sprained ankle. It’s because the Oofos don’t have a defined hard edge on the sole but a rounded edge. So something to consider if you roll your ankles a lot.
Anon
This is fair. I wish there were a shoe as light as soft that was flatter with a more defined edge! I’ve never rolled my ankle but have had some close calls, and will take your cautionary tale to heart.
SSJD
Orthotics solved the problem for me. I got them from a podiatrist. I had tried stretching and PT and icing for a while before that, but the orthotics were really the solution.
I commiserate. It’s so annoying and unpleasant. I also have Oofos and wear them as slippers around the house (for years now). They are expensive but great.
Anonymous
I used to get PF flares all the time about a decade ago. Talk to your podiatrist again. You can try a cortisone injection. During a really bad flare I also had one make me wear a walking boot for awhile after the shot didn’t work and that finally did the trick. Since then I’ve gotten really careful about wearing arch support. A couple of times I’ve gone back to the boot around the house and it has stopped right away. I doubt this is what’s happening, but I also needed surgery one time to free an entrapped nerve from the PF.
Anon
Commiseration! Kuru shoes have been life changing. I can’t recommend them enough. Also, I recommend Vionic for sandals.
No Problem
I agree with the poster who said what works for one person doesn’t necessarily work for others, but for me it was arch support arch support arch support. I have high arches and in bare feet or unsupportive shoes my feet will sort of roll inwards and my arches fall, leading to PF. Podiatrist diagnosed this within 5 minutes. Orthotics made a world of difference.
Also, how long have you been doing the PT? From what I’ve heard, this is something that takes weeks to months to improve. And that’s with doing all of what you’ve described plus at-home exercises from the PT (they gave you at-home exercises, right?). I had a colleague with terrible PF who said the exercise where you scrunch a t-shirt toward yourself with your toes was the absolute best. He even did it under his desk sometimes while working.
Flats Only (for a reason!)
Try Aleve. When I had it my doctor recommended Aleve and had me take more than the dose on the bottle. It worked, but it was hard to tell when it would “kick in” so it wasn’t a perfect solution, but much better than nothing. If you must wear a “nice” shoe for some reason (my office required dress shoes and were Aholes about it so it was easier to find a solution than fight the dress code) try a shoe with a little bit of a heel – 1″ or so. That will get your weight off of your heel when you’re standing or walking so you’ll be more comfortable. Wear crocs around the house!
Seafinch
Everything you are doing made it worse for me. Extensive, hourly calf stretches, icing for hours every night, and never going barefoot totally eradicated it for me.
Josie P
+1. That plus active release technique.
OP
You all are amazing – thank you! I think the point about it being different things for different people is spot on and I am willing to try all the things. Appreciate the advice – I’ve got some shopping to do.
Anon
Did you get a shot? Those have always worked for me.
There’s a surgery where they cut like Swiss cheese holes in your tendon to make it stretch more. My husband had a different surgery where they go into the tendon above the ankle (it’s a long tendon!) and cut halfway across it. It took a while for him to feel better but now it has been a few years (he got it done just before the pandemic) and he hasn’t had any trouble since.
Anon
Get the MBT sneakers with the most ridiculous looking rocker bottom. Expensive and silly, but darn if they don’t work.
Anon
I’m starting to winnow down some of my COVID-15 purchases (back when you really couldn’t get clothes for work but also needed non-leggings and had gone up a size). Stuff like Marine Layer pants (which are fine, but I’ve recently replaced with a pair that suits me much better that I can wear tucked-in shirts with), mall brand things (BR, BRF, Gap, JCF). Would it make sense to list pants for $10 each + shipping on Posh / Ebay? Or just donate? I wouldn’t bother with Threadup, but just trying to figure an exit. Women’s size 8-10 / M, so nothing a thrift shop even likely “needs.”
shananana
with the caveat that I have not done it since pre covid – my best luck on poshmark was always mall brand stuff listed under $20. I would list it, give it a month, then take down what didn’t sell and donate it.
Anon
I started doing posh to get rid of work clothes during COVID, and if you can spend a couple hours taking pics and uploading at one time, I think it’s worth it. My approach has been listing on posh as Step #1, and if they haven’t sold after a few months to donate & delete the listings as Step #2.
Pricing on posh is tough, as I’ve found that listing low (garage sale-like prices) doesn’t make sense because shipping is pretty substantial. E.g, listing a $5 shirt that will have shipping of $7 doesn’t appeal. You may also want to price a little higher (like list at $15 +shipping, and be prepared to drop price/accept offers at $10).
CHL
Agreed! I’ve had luck both shopping for myself and selling mall brands on Posh when it’s something that is a specific cut or something that I know I like and fits me that I want to buy again, so if you have the name of the item and even an original store image of it (in addition to your actual photos), I think that can help.
Vicky Austin
If it were two months from now and I had a vague idea what my postpartum size would be, I’d totally take that stuff off your hands. I think Marine Layer pants for $10 and shipping on Posh would be a pretty good deal.
Cat
FWIW, I don’t know if Posh even has this option, but my brain would 100% rather pay $16 including shipping than $9 + $7 shipping. So if there’s an option to do that, do consider. Also consider pre-bundling them and selling the whole lot for like $40 – might be easier!
Anon
The thing about Posh is that it’s FULL of $10 mall brand pants that no one is buying. I would just donate on my local Facebook neighbourhood group because then at least it’s going to someone in your community.
Anon
Ooh, — I should check out Post before I head to the mall again (once I know my sizes for 2023). I had initially found a lot of “worn-once” items for 90% of retail w/ no return policy (so better off just waiting for the inevitable mall brand sale).
Anon8
Mall brand stuff is tough to sell on Posh because there’s so much of it. Unless you’re willing to hang onto it for months and months I’d just donate. The only items that are worth selling on Posh in my experience has been items that are very popular and somewhat expensive– Realisation Par dress, Hill house nap dress, Sezane, Reformation etc. that you can list for like $100. The mall brand stuff I’ve listed has just sat for months until I give up and donate.
Anon
OP here — thanks. My Goodwill has a “GW Boutique,” which isn’t so much really fancy as it is just current mall brand upscale casual wear that would appeal to women 15-55ish who have straight sizes (so more $ for them and easier to lure in shoppers) vs a lot of stuff that they get that is basically trash (former Junior League thrift shop committee manager — even the stuff we got was either NWT items from fickle budget-indifferent women who were often not the size of our typical shopper or dirty stuff I’d be ashamed to have my name attached to; a lot of our donations went into the trash and we re-donated usable items outside of our main scope and shop size (no storage space) to GW but were told many times to be very choosy with what we went them).
Anon Pls
If you’re not having luck selling, maybe check out your neighborhood Buy Nothing group on Facebook. I’ve gotten really into mine lately and it’s nice to know things are going to a person who actually wants it if you’re not able to get money for it.
anon
+1
This is what I do. The great part is that people come to my house and pick up the items! I don’t even have to run an errand, just remember to put a bag or two of clothing on the front porch before I log on to my work computer.
thanksgiving anxiety
I made some money off of Poshmark but at the time I was living walking distance to a post office and worked from home. For a few months I was walking to the post office almost every day and doing a lot of small $10-$20 sales. I offered extra discounts if people bundled 3+ items. I kind of enjoyed it and $200-300/month was worth it for me. That’s probably not enough money to a lot of women on this board to bother with who may be more short on time than money. I also had a mix of some higher end stuff that sold in the $50-$150 range.
Ebay is much more buyer-friendly than Poshmark and would not have been worth the extra work for me, personally.
Anon
Talk to me about your favorite black jumpsuit? I’m 5’0, around 100lbs and curvy. Recently had a college reunion, and felt like people wearing jumpsuits were hitting the sweet spot of not under- or over-dressed. Thank you!
Elle
I recently got the petal and pup leyton jumpsuit and I LOVE IT. I’m a pear and found it very flattering. You would probably need to get it hemmed.
Anon
I have one I love from Banana Republic – I got navy, since I decided I had too much black already!
Look at Banana Republic factory too.
Vicky Austin
I have a really nice black velvet Banana factory one I wore for my sister’s bachelorette party!
Anon
For those of you who have done Couch-to-5K, I am finding I can only get runs in 2-3 days a week. One of those days, it is raining, so I’m running on a 1/16 indoor track and it’s a bit steamy (above a basketball court). It’s not great, but also not nothing. What are the odds that the 5K I’m supposed to run in late March isn’t just a 5-K walk (fine, if so). Between weather, work, and kids’ things, it’s hard to work in (plus, one kid wants to do it, so I’m often not going out solo in the hopes that she finishes up homework and can join (and by then, people are tired, etc., etc. so maybe I need to sneak in something first thing after walking the dog (sadly, cannot run with dog as he is a large nut who would pull too hard and run too fast for me)).
Anon
You definitely won’t walk the whole thing if you’re doing training runs. If you run some of it and jog or fast walk some of it, what’s the big deal? I think you’re doing great.
Davis
Do you have access to stairs? You said couch-to-5K so I’m not suggesting running the stairs! For the rainy days or times when you don’t think you enough time between kids things, can you do 20 minutes of walking up and down the stairs? It really gets my heart going! There was a Washington Post article about using stairs for training recently.
Anonymous
Try running in the rain if you haven’t – it can be surprisingly not miserable. I like a visor or baseball cap to keep water out of my eyes; for the rest of my body, unless it is almost cold enough for snow, I just get wet. My feet get wet too.
MagicUnicorn
Agree with this! I actually find running in the rain to be surprisingly pleasant. I have a pair of water-resistant trail running shoes that I use for rainy day runs (even if I am not on a trail) because they keep my feet dry.
Anon
OP here — I might try this, but I hate being cold and wet, so maybe once it warms up a bit more. I see others doing it, but I have stairs at least at work that would get my heart going on rainy days.
MagicUnicorn
I also dislike the idea of being cold and wet. A couple of things that helped me appreciate drizzly days:
No cotton running gear. It gets soggy, saggy, and is miserable to wear while wet and nigh impossible to peel off myself at the end of a run.
Brimmed hat to keep the drops out of my eyes.
Sidewalks and trails are much emptier and easier to navigate.
Stomping in puddles like a kid is kinda fun, tbh.
Layers appropriate to the temperature. Rule of thumb for me is to dress like it is 20 degrees F warmer than the air temp. Once I am running for a few minutes, I heat up enough that this feels comfortable.
Remind myself that I am going to shower in ~20 minutes anyhow, so what does it matter if I am a little drippy before then? As soon as I am done running I threaten to hug my family while all wet and messy, which elicits laughing protests.
anon
It’s completely fine to do a walk/run approach even in a race. Keep at it, and you may be surprised by how much you’re able to do.
anonshmanon
+1, lots of the other participants will be doing run/walk!
Anonymous
I regularly run half marathons using planned run-walk intervals. It’s a great way to jump up mileage without getting injured, IME.
anon
Agree! 13.1 miles is still 13.1 miles, no matter how it gets done.
Anon
3 days a week is plenty of training. You can do it. If you need to walk intermittently, you won’t be the only one.
Anon
When I did this I was officially still on week 7 or 8 on C25K and took two short walking breaks during my first 5K but still finished faster than I expect too (~38 minutes, I was aiming for under 45!). Take the pressure off yourself and just keep going along with the program — you’ll get there eventually.
Anon
Your last sentence is a bit… garbled. What I take from this is you don’t have enough time to train because your daughter wants to go out with you, but by the time she’s done with homework, it’s too late.
Options:
1. Go out without her while she does her homework. If she wants to go later, that’s great – go out again. Going out twice in a night isn’t the worst thing.
2. Go out with your daughter before she starts her homework (or whenever you’re ready). The mental break is beneficial and going out too late at night will mess up her sleep and your sleep.
If you go to a gym, you can also use the treadmill and programme it for run/walk intervals. Running on a tight track is fine, too – it’s about the mileage. The grind of a track is also good for developing mental strength to race.
I think you’re putting too many constraints on your running and then finding out you aren’t training like you want to.
You will turn into a better runner (and I include the run/walk crowd in my definition of “runner”) when you just lace up and get out there already. Pile up the mileage – there is no other way.
thanksgiving anxiety
Another vote that you’ll be able to do it! No worries if you have to walk some of the time. All the races I’ve done had some type of time limit and it’s always pretty generous, like you could walk 25 minute miles and still make it.
I also like running in the rain. I wear a thin water proof shell and shorts. I don’t like the feeling of wet leggings and rather just have bare legs. But it’s in the high 50/60s when it rains here so I realize that may not be practical for everyone.
Bette
One more voice of support for walk/run – I did that for my first 5K when I realized that a few short walking breaks (like no more than a minute) actually gave me a faster finish time than if I forced myself to run the whole time. I mean it depends on your individual goals, but I think that actually helped me learn a deeper lesson about pacing myself in general and using rest strategically and not considering myself a failure for needing to slow down sometimes?
I can’t remember specifics but I’d be shocked if I was running more than 3x week in prep for that race, either.
Anonymous
Does anyone have trouble finishing things? If so how do you handle it? I literally have 7 or 8 books started on my kindly, 7 or 8 Netflix in process. At work I’m great at starting but horrible at wrapping up. Even with long recipes or any kind of directions. They just annoy me or make me nervous or something. Thanks.
ELS
Have you been evaluated for ADHD? I know that sounds like the trendy thing right now, but I was diagnosed (in office by a psychiatrist, after proper evals) in my mid-30s, and this was a major symptom for me. Once the dopamine rush of starting something ended, it was hard for me to finish things.
It’s still sometimes a struggle, but I’m doing better on a non-stimulant ADHD drug, and with a better-timed exercise regimen (sadly for me, first thing in the AM). When I’m struggling, I set timers for completing tasks and schedule regular breaks. And I live and die by my calendar.
Anonymous
this is an ADHD thing.
https://www.additudemag.com/slideshows/how-to-stay-on-task/
I’d be more concerned about the work projects than the books or Netflix – life is too short to feel forced to watch TV or finish books. If you’re not interested, move on. (For the books, though – you could get them on audio as well and listen in the car — it keeps progress moving.)
I tend to really suck at this too. I have one “do the thing” chart that has scratch-off glitter stickers, so every time you do something you get to scratch off like a lottery ticket. I might also buy this project planner:
https://imperfectinspiration.com/planner/project
Cb
Same… who knows how I finished a dissertation. I can finish a book because I’m immersed in the story, but really struggle to finish other things unless I have a hard deadline. I think it’s fear of failure, if an article is sitting on my computer half finished, no one can judge it. I also just get bored? So cleaning out the closet is super fun at the beginning, but the bits at the end are tedious? We were stripping wallpaper and I finished 75% of each wall, because the nitpicky bits at the end were boring/annoying to me.
I find working collaboratively whenever possible to be super helpful, I can do a lot of work at the outset and a colleague can help me get it over the line. I set external deadlines, and finish things at the very end.
Anon
Yup, same.
Bribing myself works. Right now I’m kind of obsessed with a mobile game, and things refresh in the game every 3 hours, so for work, I tell myself I’m only allowed to go on and play the next refresh if I finish X task before then. It’s a way to force myself to do the thing.
Also keeping one long to do list on a double notebook page spread helps — I like seeing how much I have actually managed to finish and cross off. I rewrite open tasks onto the next spread only once I run out of room (usually every 2-3 weeks).
Anne-on
I swear that I finished my senior thesis my having my friends be my accountability buddies AND because my class required weekly check-ins for progress. If I’d been left to structure the time/deliverables on my own I never could have.
Any chance you can ask a coworker on your level to check in with you more regularly? Or schedule treats/breaks – I can get a fun coffee/watch a show when I meet this deadline?
Anonymous
Recipes, books, and TV shows would be things I would be totally unconcerned about finishing. If you lose interest and don’t want to do it anymore, why bother? I just wouldn’t start a long recipe in the first place, knowing that I’ll get frustrated and quit.
I would work on my ability to finish projects that actually matter to me — like home improvement, a creative project, a health plan, something that affects relationships, etc. For that stuff, it helps to recognize that after the first flush of starting and creativity is over, the project often is going to hit a stage about half through or 2/3 through where it’s more boring or difficult, and you’ll need some perseverance and fortitude to see it through. At the end, it often gets easier and rewarding again. You learn to expect that portion that is no fun, and recognize that if you don’t learn to endure it, you never get the joy and reward of the accomplishment.
Again, I wouldn’t use up perseverance on books or TV shows or cooking; it’s not worth it to me.
Anon
This is me! I made a decision for myself that finishing doesn’t matter for most things, so I have basically decided not to worry about it except in arenas where it does actually matter. So, I know I have to finish my tasks at work or else I’ll get fired. I save my energy for that and then don’t even think about the fact that I haven’t watched the second half of a bunch of shows. For me, if I can articulate a real reason that really matters then I can usually finish stuff. And it has to be real (I will get fired) and not just that others will judge me or similar.
I also allocate waaaaaay more time than I really think I’ll need because I realized one of my triggers was that I’d get frustrated because something was taking “too long” and lose interest. So for work, I just plan to take forever on my tasks.
PIPped
I got put on a PIP yesterday for the first time ever! I am an attorney and there hasn’t been enough work lately to keep me at my hours. Management has known this and I have discussed it many times with them. Out of the blue yesterday I get a call that because my hours are low, I’m being put on this plan. This comes a week after the firm announced, mid way through the year, that they are raising our annual production hours. It makes me think they are trying to push people out as we head into the recession without actually saying they are reducing workforce. Anyway, I’m wondering if I should start looking for a new job now? Does a company ever put someone on a PIP they are not trying to get rid of?
Vicky Austin
I’d be concerned, not because of the PIP on its own, but because management was aware that you were underworked and still chose to do this to you.
Anon
Right. I seem to be in the minority here, but PIP does not mean automatic firing at my workplace, and there have been plenty of people who’ve come back from one. But the bigger concern in your situation is that you don’t have enough hours and they don’t have a plan to get you more hours and are instead punishing you by deciding out of the blue that it’s a performance problem. That behavior is a prelude to firing. And yes, they’re doing this so they can avoid economy-based layoffs.
Vicky Austin
Exactly. PIP doesn’t mean automatic firing at my workplace either, but that’s not the reddest flag here.
Anon
I agree with this 100%. I’d definitely start applying other places if I were you, OP!
Anon
Look, I have been an employment lawyer for 30 years representing clients nationally and you are just incorrect on this point. Perhaps you have seen an exception case or two, but PIPs were invented to document performance problems and defend against wrongful termination cases. If you get put on one your days are numbered. Don’t cling to an exception when you are likely the rule.
Anon
I mean, I think it varies by workplace. At my workplace it’s only about 50% of people who get fired following a PIP, so it’s a lot more than just “an exception or two.” But I don’t work at a law firm and my advice to the OP was that she’s getting fired so I don’t think we disagree in this case.
Vicky Austin
I might be wrong about what you do exactly, Anon@11:34, but wouldn’t there be something like survivorship bias in the cases you see? Nobody who passes PIP muster uneventfully and continues working would be looking for your services, right?
Anon
Vicky, no – in order to represent clients you need to understand the full scope of how performance management works. And while there may be exceptions, PIPs are not designed to actually help an employee improve. I find it gives very false hope to the posters on this topic that’s actually counter to their best interest, which is to realize what’s actually going on so they can plan accordingly. Even if someone recovers, their career prospects are typically limited at that employer. It’s not a good development for someone’s career at all.
Anon
PS – Vicky, I’m a management side lawyer who helps companies design these plans.
Vicky Austin
I see; thank you! I learned something. Appreciate it.
Anon
I am a certified HR professional with two decades of experience, who has participated in constructing performance management systems and progressive discipline systems, and this information is correct in terms of how I have seen those systems applied IRL. While it’s nice to believe that putting someone on a PIP is just part of sending a serious message to an employee about their performance, the bottom line is that most companies use PIPs as a defense against employee legal actions and usually, by the time the PIP gets put on the table there have already been serious conversations about terminating the employee, for legitimate or specious reasons. I am not saying employees always contribute to this – I have participated in many conversations with senior leaders about getting rid of bad managers who use PIPs as a weapon or a substitute for competent leadership. But in the OP’s case – she needs to start looking. She was doing fine, she’s been up front and transparent with her manager about what’s going on, the lack of hours is not her fault, and yet – here’s the PIP. They’re getting their ducks in a row so they can fire her and claim it’s performance-based and so she may not be able to get unemployment, and they may not have to abide by the laws and regulations that apply to mass layoffs.
OP – I am genuinely sorry this is happening to you. It’s not fair. But please protect yourself – update your resume and start networking. In my state, you can still get unemployment if you quit or are fired and can claim constructive discharge or wrongful termination – look into how it works in your state.
Cora
Yeah – not enough hours is something that’s not really your fault, but if they don’t have a plan to help you solve it that’s concerning and a bad sign. Someone at my firm was let go like this, not enough hours followed by PIP and then this. I think they may have called it a lay off? Idk if a lay off of one person is a thing.
Anon
It can be. I was laid off alone due to low hours (at a small firm). Also sometimes even if it’s performance based they will do you the kindness of calling it a layoff so you can collect unemployment.
anon
Large firm or small? What practice area?
I’m in-house but ex-Biglaw. At my current employer, yes, I’ve put someone on a PIP and did not intend to fire him; he was able to successfully resolve his performance issues and remained with us for several years with good ratings and bonuses, before taking another job of his own volition. In my Biglaw days, a PIP was generally just a box-checking exercise because you’d already been written off.
I know you say this came out of the blue, but generally a PIP flags specific performance issues and areas for improvement. Does the one that they’ve given you? “Your hours are too low” is not generally the full extent of a PIP.
Anon
Yes. Start looking for a new job right now.
Anon
This is a prelude to being fired. Surviving a PIP is extremely rare. And yes, law firms do this as a method of stealth layoffs. Start looking immediately.
Anon
I could be wrong, but my understanding of a PIP is that they are just covering their bases to lay you off/fire someone. I’d start looking now! Your hours are down, sounds like it’s not realistic that they will increase give the workload. The fact that they are increasing the production requirements will also make it impossible for you to hit your numbers. Get out now so you can job search while you have a job.
Anon
Start looking immediately! That is what they are trying to tell you to do, although they should certainly be more straightforward about it.
Anonymous
Start looking now.
Anonymous
Yes. You should be looking and frankly you should have started before many discussions about low hours. Some places might use a PIP as a genuine improvement plan but in these circumstances your law firm is just getting ready to fire you.
Anon
I used to work in HR in big law. They are being weenies by trying to term you for performance and not lay you off and pay you severance bc they don’t have enough business. Start looking and good riddance!
PIPped
Thanks all! I have two meetings set up next week!
Of Counsel
There are two reasons for an attorney being written up for insufficient billables when they are asking for work and not getting any: (1) the firm does not have enough work to keep everyone busy or (2) the partners do not have confidence in the associate and are not assigning them work for that reason but they do not want to come out and say that because lawyers are generally terrible managers. Are other people having an issue meeting hours? Because if the answer is yes this is a stealth layoff and they want you to be the person that leaves (they are really hoping you quit!). If no, take a long hard look at why everyone else is getting work and you are not.
In any event, DOCUMENT that you are available for work, want work, that your hours are low because there is not enough work. This is not a time to be diplomatic. Flat out say “My hours are low because I do not have work to do.”Print those emails off and take them home. That will help your negotiation when they claim you are being fired for performance reasons.
And start looking for another job because 9 times out of 10 this is an excuse to fire people.
That is not to say that every PIP is a prelude to termination. For some employers it is not. But when a firm increases the hours requirement at a time when there is no enough work and then immediately puts a low billing associate on a PIP, that is not usually an invitation for performance improvement.
Good luck. This is a terrible situation to be in. (I have always been grateful that when my firm at the time was going to need to lay people off in 08-09, they did not jerk us around. They said “Hey we are going to have to lay people off. We haven’t decided who or how many but it is definitely coming, so if you have an opportunity, take it. Which resulted in so many people quitting that they did not actually have to lay anyone off.)
Sybil
Hit me with your favorite workout songs from the last decade. I’ve discovered I do better with songs than podcasts and my playlist is great, but also from circa 2010.
Anon
Not sure if it’s on trend for this group. But Lizzo’s “The Sign” gets me pumped up on my workout playlist.
anonshmanon
I’ve not been answering to this post because my playlist is mostly from the same era. Lizzo may be the only newer stuff on it.
pugsnbourbon
Lizzo has some great workout jams!
“How You Like Me Now” by The Heavy gets me energized.
Curious
Hello, I’m a toddler mom, but I LOVE Try Everything from Zootopia. It’s Shakira! It has a great beat! It has a great message!
Coach Laura
I like spotify’s workout collections – no work for me. I used a rock one but just put workout in the search bar and pick one. They have a “hype” one and a “high energy” one etc.
anon
Interested in hearing from mid-career folks who are staying in their positions because of stability but have really fallen out of love with the work itself. IDK, maybe this is not a sustainable career plan, but I don’t know what excites me anymore. I don’t believe I’m depressed. I have plenty of energy and excitement for things outside of work. I think I’ve grown tired of solving the same types of problems over and over. And I sometimes question whether what I do even matters (i.e., do I have one of those bullsh!t jobs?) I probably could take on more, but I also know that it’s unlikely to be recognized or rewarded … so why bother? I feel so much guilt about my lack of ambition. And yet there are times when I really, really don’t. Because I have been overworked at times and I don’t feel like the effort was appreciated.
Midlife crisis, work edition. Would love your thoughts on how to dig out of this hole or whether this situation is salvageable. My organization is generally good overall so it’s hard to make a leap toward something that might well be worse.
Anon
I often feel the same! Commiseration. I’m in the public sector and just feeling so burnt out. I saw a career coach last year and tried applying for adjacent private sector jobs unsuccessfully. I just can’t see myself doing this work for another 20-30 years but worry I don’t have skills for anything else. Wish I had some better advice!
anon
OP here, and I get it. I also worry that I’m not qualified to do anything else (also public sector).
Anon
Hi, it’s me. Same situation, I don’t think I’m depressed because I have lots of energy and excitement for non-work things. Just bored to death at work and have no interest doing more than the bare minimum. I think it’s a combination of pandemic burnout I never recovered from, and the fact that I work in an environment (higher ed) where there are basically no rewards for doing an awesome job. I am casually job hunting, but it would take a lot to get me to walk away from my current job, because despite the boredom there are a lot of perks including stability, flexibility and really good employee benefits.
Anithero
Totally off topic, but am I the only person who read the first sentence and though “Hey, hi, I’m the problem its me.”
Bette
Nope not the only person, I kinda jumped out of my seat a little
anon
I’m in the same situation and I could have written this exact same post. I get paid well and have a lot of flexibility, but I am so bored and annoyed with work most days. I work in a software development role and support internal software systems that process external customer orders. These systems are old and constantly having issues. I also end up solving the same problems and have no support for actually fixing these systems.
I’ve also considered job hunting, but I stay for the same reasons as you – I don’ t know if I would be jumping to something worse. And I’m not sure how to fully know about company culture from just an interview.
One reason I hang on is because our company has a new CEO and I’m curious to see what changes that will bring about. At this point, I’m not even worried about being laid off. They can get rid of me and then someone else would have to deal with all the annoying stuff I have to deal with.
Anon
My solution to this was to work towards an entirely different career, in something that I know matters a lot and is high demand (special ed teacher in my case, but there are million other examples – nurse, etc.) I’ve been slowly plugging away at the credits I need for licensure, with a plan to exit my current job in 15 months or so. Using my brain in a different way outside of work has helped me stay more engaged while at work … plus, having an end date helps.
I’m in public sector too – lawyer – but there are plenty of lawyers. We need smart, hard working people in other types of jobs too.
Yes
Also professional who left highly compensated job in private sector to do same work in higher ed two decades ago. You are correct: taking on more and doing it well will not be rewarded, especially in public higher ed. Benefits of staying: the work you do *does* matter (excellent education and research is what will get us out of this mess); time outside of work (my marriage now is so much better than when I worked 100 hour weeks); excellent healthcare; pension. OTOH: recurring feeling that I let down the sisterhood.
Curious
Sitting here in a smaller role than I had pre parental and medical leave and very much with you.
Anonymous
Ugh same. I’ve posted too much about my career woes which are general malaise combined with a genuine dislike of the post pandemic shift in my industry. But the bills are paid, this works for my lifestyle and I don’t have a ton of options. I just got an extremely mediocre performance review and a decent raise so I guess I’m kind of stuck. My boss understands that I’m just not dying to be a rockstar anymore and we’re working together to target my contributions towards things that upper management will provide financial rewards for. I do have major life goals outside of work which I’m focusing on. The way I see it the elusive “balance” means leaning out at work sometimes.
Anon
I mean, why don’t you look around and see if there are other jobs out there? Being miserable forever isn’t your only option.
Anon
Are you able to add anything to your job to make it more interesting? In my long term, stable job my interest has waxed and waned and I’ve been able to improve it by adding new challenges (taking an intern, leaning into a project I enjoyed etc). Right now family life has me leaning out slightly and focusing just on my core duties, and I’m appreciating the stability and flexibility my tenure has given me.
Bette
Can relate to this so. much. I have been with the same slow, stable company for 10+ years – for a long time I could justify it, even though pay and benefits are just ok, because work/life balance is quite good and this was a company famous for never doing layoffs. Well we just did layoffs a few weeks ago and now that the “stability” element is gone I am having a serious crisis of faith. No answers, just commiseration.
Sunshine
My grandmother left a set of silver utensils to me. I think it’s 12 place settings plus serving spoons and forks. I don’t like it, I don’t use it, I don’t want it. Is there a place where I can sell it? It’s in great condition. I have no idea how to dispose of it, but I don’t need it taking up space in my tiny house.
Anon
You are sure they are silver (vs silver plate)? If real silver, your city probably has estate-sale people who know who the local buyers are and would likely sell it for you for a cut of what they get.
Anon
Thrift shops and antique stores are chock full of silver left by grandmas that no one wants. Might be hard to sell.
Elle
Replacements dot com will buy silver. You can check on their website and see if your particular set is in demand and what they’re selling it for
MagicUnicorn
If it is really silver and not plated, see if any jewelers in your area will buy this sort of thing for the metal value?
Anonymous
If it’s real silver, try an auction house. If you’re in DC area I used the Potomack Company to sell the silver set my aunt left to me. They made it very easy and it actually went for more money than I was expecting.
Anon
Thrift stores etc are filled with people’s grandmothers china, silver, and the like. Are you opposed to using it as your daily use utensils? I use a great aunt’s china as my only set of plates because they’re pretty, they were free to me (so even cheaper than the Target plates I would have bought!), and I know my great aunt would appreciate that they’re being put to use.
Anon
They’re really not, though. Not nice stuff. Thrift stores are filled with garbage that people feel too guilty about throwing away. Nice stuff is on ebay or at online retailers that focus on this kind of thing.
Anonymous
+1 the “good” china and silver is no longer readily found in thrift stores. They’re all filled with “eat laugh love” garbage ceramics from Home Goods / Ross. Any of the good stuff is either scooped up by eBay/Etsy resellers on their daily trips or the Goodwill stores sell it online themselves…they have both their own online auction site and individual stores sell eBay too.
The Goodwill in my large metro area has a “collectible” section and the occasional fine china pieces or vintage cast iron/pyrex/etc that do make it there sell for $20-$30 aka market rate on eBay.
Kat G
Wow – in my smaller city the online auction house by me regularly has like 100-pc sets of Lenox and other china go for $10-$15. They might go for more if they broke them up maybe but it’s a lot for people to imagine getting all at once.
HFB
Replacements Ltd buys stuff sometimes. Search “replacements ltd sell to us” to find the page as it’s a little tricky to find on their main page. A good sterling silver set can sell for a couple thousand, so I imagine the price they buy it for is worth a bit of time and effort to sell to them. And that way you know it’s eventually going to someone who really wants it and will treasure it.
Anon
Silver sets sell very well on Ebay. At least look up the pattern and figure out what it’s going for there. Replacements will give you a pittance compared to Ebay.
Sunshine
Thanks everyone! I’ll see if I can sell it. And, if I can’t, I’ll donate and add one more set to the thrift stores.
Anon
Just make sure that no one else in the family wants it if you haven’t already! I got my husband’s grandparent’s silver from my MIL and I love having it — makes me feel part of the family. My own family were illiterate subsistence farmers that many generations back, so I enjoy having a “family heirloom” that predates the 70s. I pull it out every year for Christmas and my husband gets annoyed because it has to be handwashed. No one else in the family cares, but I do!
Anonymous
I agree. My mom sold my grandmother’s silver but didn’t ask me first. She got like $1k for it and I’d have paid double!
Anon
I didn’t come from the kind of family who had silver (my mom collected box coupons to get Oneida stainless) but if one of my distant cousins on the “rich” side of the family were looking to unload silver, I’d jump at the chance to keep it in the family!
Seventh Sister
I’d see about selling it, even if it’s just for the metal value. If it’s real silver (not plate), it’s possible to get a pretty decent amount of money. I was surprised since a lot of “fine china” isn’t worth much on the resale market.
FWIW, I have a set of silver flatware that I love and use periodically, but I just keep it in a cloth bag instead of one of those big fussy wooden cases. I’m sort of hoping my BILs get the silver set from my in-laws. It might be $$$$ but it’s a very ugly, ornate pattern.
Karina
Several of my team members have left recently, and I’ve started to look for a new job too. The company as a whole is doing fine but not investing as much in my department. Some coworkers from other teams asked me if I was looking for new jobs – based on the circumstances I guess its obvious or maybe expected. How should I handle this? What do I say?
Anon
Say no.
Monday
+1. There is nothing to gain at all by sharing that you’re looking. If someone wants to tell you about a specific opportunity they know about, they should lead with that rather than ask if you’re looking.
Anon
Right. What is the upside of saying you are looking?
Anon
Seriously, this. Not even a question.
Karina
These are people at my level or more junior, so its not some attempt to push me out. I guess I felt like its obvious I’m probably looking but also why not just say “No I’m not”.
Cat
lie, don’t give them an excuse to push you out.
Curious
The standard script for this in my circles is “I’m not actively looking, but I’m always open to the right opportunity.” But there’s an overall Amazon recognition that people do rotate, and it’s a perk of working here. This might not work for you.
Karina
This is basically what I said. And it was to a more junior person and people do rotate, so its really not unexpected.
Horse Crazy
Looking for resort recommendations in the Dominican Republic – probably mid-range. Nothing super luxury, but nothing too cheap. Adults only – for our honeymoon.
Anon
What’s the actual budget? “Luxury” and “cheap” are vague and mean different things to different people. A $500/night resort is luxury to some people, but there are others who consider that cheap and think $2k/night is luxury.
Horse Crazy
I guess around $350/night? I’ve never stayed at an all inclusive resort, so I’m really not sure.
Anon
$350/night for all-inclusive is at the extremely low end. Keep in mind that resorts that charge separately for a meal plan generally charge at least $100 per adult per day for that. So you’re basically looking to pay $150/night for the room, which is very little. Also, you get what you pay for. The only $350/night all-inclusive I’ve stayed at was awful. If at all possible, I would try to up your budget to $500/night, which should open up considerably more options and in the DR (which is a cheap island) you can probably find something decent in that range. Also depends what time of year you’re going. Winter and spring cost more than summer and fall, but you have to contend with hurricane risk in the summer and fall.
Horse Crazy
Thanks for that – very helpful! I’m totally new to this. Can you give any specific recommendations?
Anon
I haven’t been to the DR, sorry.
Leatty
We had a good experience at the Iberostar Grand Bavaro prepandemic.
Horse Crazy
Ok, maybe ignore my budget and just please share any resort recommendations for the DR? thanks :)
Anon
I haven’t been but I’ve heard good things about the Excellence chain of resorts and looks like they have one in Punta Cana.
startup lawyer
People like Secrets chain and there’s a location in DR.
Anon
I feel like Secrets needs a new name. It sounds more risqué than it is and I always confuse it with Desires, which is a nudist resort that caters to swingers.
startup lawyer
hah, i can see that.
a friend also really liked Hyatt Zilara but a few families on here have complained about the sister brand of family all inclusive Ziva.
Anon
I wouldn’t do a family resort for a honeymoon, even one like Ziva/Zilara that has an adults only section. Better to go fully adults only.
Anon
I loved the Chic Royalton Punta Cana. Small and adult only. Not too expensive.
Anon
New relationship, meeting the friends for the first time. Casual (but a little trendy) restaurant, casual city. What would you wear? I’m feeling uninspired and ready for warm weather again!
Anon
Nice Jean and a nice sweater with accessories to elevate the look. You won’t look too done up or too causal…unless it’s a fancier restaurant. In that case sweater dress and knee high boots.
HFB
Ugh… I am screwing up everything I touch this week. And there have been some recent management changes in my company and my new boss is someone I’ve always gotten weird “she doesn’t like me” vibes from. If there’s any truth to the vibes im definitely not doing anything this week to improve the situation! Does anyone have commiseration or “it gets better” stories?
Anon
It’s Friday! Take the weekend to relax, recharge and get on your a game for Monday. We all have bad weeks and sometimes we just need a reset. Also, try to figure out where you’re messing up and if there’s any pattern or anything you can learn from it. But go easy on yourself this weekend.
Fish
For those who enjoy anchovies, how do you like to eat them?
Anon
My husband puts them on salads!
pugsnbourbon
I haven’t done this in a while but I’ve eaten them on plain club crackers and they were really good. Chopped in salads is also tasty.
Annony
I always assumed I was an anchovy hater until my friend made me pasta with anchovies (I tried it because I didn’t want to be a rude guest) and now I LOVE anchovies. It’s still one of my favorite meals and when I’m home alone, it’s what I make myself.
Olive oil, some chopped onion, sauté til they’re cooked the way you like them. Add a tin of anchovies and just sort of swirl them around til they dissolve in to a paste. Add some butter, then your cooked angel hair pasta, swirl it around, Top with Parmesan and lots of black pepper. Technically, I suppose you should add some of the pasta cooking water to make it more saucy, but I don’t do this.
Anchovies just add amazing umami to whatever you make, so they’re great in salad dressings (like Caesar!). Really good anchovies are also delicious on crostinis with some mashed white beans.
Anonymous
To your pasta, try adding some chopped toasted walnuts!
Cat
I think this is called Midnight Pasta for some recipes and I agree, it is amazing.
Anon
I love dissolving an anchovy filet or thee (or twelve) in olive oil to get an umami & salt bomb going. Great way to start a sauce. Don’t need much salt in the rest of the dish, usually.
Ginger
I slice a hardboiled egg into thin round slices, place it on a cracker and top it off with the anchovie. Yum!
Anon
In salads, on crackers, with a fork straight out of the can. Anchovies and pasta https://www.mangiabedda.com/sicilian-pasta-with-anchovies-and-breadcrumbs/ I ate this 2x a day when I was pregnant with my oldest.
Anon
My mom puts anchovies in her bruschetta recipe and you can’t even taste them.
PolyD
Anchovy toast! Grill some very nice bread, maybe sourdough. Butter copiously and squish anchovies into the butter.
Had this at Buvette in NYC some years ago and it was my gateway to anchovy love.
Sunflower
Yum!
Anon
Pasta Puttanesca.
Anon
Pulverized into Caesar dressing, Bolognese sauce, the marinade for roast lamb, or putanesca sauce.
Anonymous
Pizza, with eggs, in tomato sauces, and bruschetta.
Anon
Occasionally I’m in a place that sells really good anchovies, not the canned or bottled kind. When I run across those, it’s time to make a real Caesar salad from scratch. Yum!!!
Anon coming to DC
Need your help! Coming to Dc end of March for a conference. Conference hotel is JW Marriott on Pennsylvania next to White House and is fully booked for room block. Additional room block at Sofitel on Lafayette but no availability for a night I need. It’s an expensive area and there are a lot of hotels. Any recommendations on a hotel in the area (looking for less than $400 per night and as close to $300 per night as possible) or another DC hotel that I could use metro to get to/from easily and safely? Thanks in advance!
Anon
Reach out to the conference organizers – they need to know that their room blocks are full and they can do the leg work of finding a third hotel.
Anon
Agree with this
anon
The westin on M street is safe and nice and a 15 minute walk or you could walk maybe 5 minutes to farragut north and take the metro to metro center and walk five minutes from there to JW.
Liza
Google says the Willard is $299/night. Definitely stay there if it’s in your budget. It’s gorgeous. That JW Marriott sucks anyway.
anon a mouse
Colleagues stay at the Club Quarters at Farragut Square regularly. It’s right on top of the metro and easy to get to the JW. Also, check back with the JW daily in the week leading up to the conference, some people likely will cancel and free up rooms.
Anon
In SF, a club quarters might be the worst hotel I’ve ever stayed in. Don’t know about DC, but that was enough to put me off the chain forever.
Anon
A long time ago, I checked into the CQ on William street in the Wall Street area, around midnight. The key they gave me led to a room with obviously slept-in sheets. I went back to the front desk, they said that was their only room, and the maid service was over for the day, and directed me to a hall closet where I could find fresh sheets.
That was my last CQ stay ever. My company policy required it, but I called a woman in the travel department and they changed the policy based on my experience!
anon
I’ve stayed at the Kimpton hotel which is a couple blocks away. Not as fancy, but solid hotel and within your budget. I also (due to not booking my own travel) ended up staying at the Trump hotel, now Waldorf – which is a beautiful hotel and it killed me to admit as much due its then owner and neighbor.
Hellooooooo
Hi, Any top to-dos, shops and restaurants for New Orleans? One free day. Will be there first time in early May in Canal Street area. Thanks!
New Here
I love the WW2 museum, but that could take up your entire day and you wouldn’t see much of the city.
I would wander Royal and Magazine streets, popping into different stores.
Coffee and Beignets at Cafe Du Monde.
Chargrilled oysters at Dragos – it is in the Hilton at the convention center, but they are fab.
Palace Cafe is on Canal (long street, so not sure where you are at) and I feel like it is a New Orleans staple.
Free Walking Tours by foot has a lot of options. I can’t remember if we did the St.Louis Cemetary #1 tour through them or not, but definitely recommend looking up one of those. I also did a Garden District tour with them and it was great.
Will you be there overnight? I love a ghost tour, and I have done a few good ones there that do a good job of combining the history of the city with the spookiness.
Anon
These are great ideas! It could be fun to walk around the French Quarter and do lunch at Palace Cafe, or if you book it in advance, tea at the Windsor Court or Ritz. Check out Southern Candymakers too – it is near Canal Place. You could take the streetcar uptown and get off around Jefferson and walk up to Magazine. There is a fun shop called the Shard Shop where you can make your own art and I bet they would ship it home for you (if you do that, it is closer to Napoleon than Jefferson). You could make a New Orleans themed snoball or something! And Uber back to your hotel if you didn’t want to take the streetcar back. The WWII museum is nice and they have a restaurant attached that is fun. If you are into cooking and can plan ahead, you could look into the New Orleans Cooking Experience. Hope you have fun!
Hellooooooo
Thank you for the recommendations! Will check out.
Anon
Here you go
https://www.alexapulitzer.com/reference/Week-In-NOLA-by-Alexa-Pulitzer.pdf
Hellooooooo
Thank you! Awesome
Anonymous
If you like perfumes the Hove’ shop is fun.
Deedee
My spouse and I enjoyed drinks at the Sazerac Bar in the Roosevelt Hotel and the Carousel Bar!
Hootster
Is vitamin-C serum a scam? Should I invest $100+ in the SkinCeuticals one? Last time I checked in with skincare, the only thing that was scientifically proven to have an impact was retinoids…
Anon
I don’t think it was worth it but if you want to try it, use code SKINC15 at Dermstore online for 15% off. I think the code ends tonight.
Anon
Retinoids and SPF. I’d spend the money on a tretinoin rx from some place like curology.
Anon
Agree on the retinoid and the SPF.
I just want to say that I had a Curology subscription for awhile, and even though I buffered before putting on the retinoid they mixed for me, I always had peeling, which sometimes got pretty noticeable – I never did “adjust” to it like you’re supposed to. My dermatologist told me that some people do better with adapalene gel vs. tretinoin – with the benefit that adapalene is OTC and much cheaper even than Curology. Studies show that adapalene and tretinoin are about equally effective. I have been using adapalene (it’s the active ingredient in Differin) and I am really happy with the results and have far less peeling.
I have also tried several Vitamin C serums, not SkinCeuticals but the La Roche-Posay one that is frequently recommended by magazines, and the Yes to Grapefruit one you can get at Amazon (and Marshall’s) and I didn’t feel any of them got me the results I was looking for. Retinoids definitely did.
Anon
Which adapalene gel do you use?
Anon
Acne Free Adapalene – the only active ingredient is adapalene, it’s cost-effective and I can get it from my local Walgreens.
thanksgiving anxiety
There are some promising studies supporting them, specifically the SkinCeuticals one, but I don’t know if they’re bulletproof. I think it’s worth it, but agree with the others to prioritize it after retinol and SPF. It’s difficult to find on sale and you probably won’t find a much better deal than the 15% off mentioned above.
Anon
Aren’t all the studies so far in vitro though? My derm said she’ll believe it when they have solid in vivo evidence.
BeenThatGuy
I’m a long time user and fan of the SkinCeuticals CE Ferulic serum. I’m constantly complimented on my skin and at 46 years old, I’ll take any compliment I can get. I’m not saying it’s only that serum that makes me glow. It’s also good sleep habits, water, exercise, regular facials and a consistent skin care routine. But I will say, when I’ve removed it from my routine, my skin looks dull.
Anonymous
I think Vitamin C is a scam. The best results for me have been from retinoids.
Meredith
Use it, love it, the 15% off deal referenced is the best I’ve ever found.
Anon
Science says retinoids and SPF, but it doesn’t mean you can’t get other benefit from other actives. Is Skinceuticals worth it for you? You won’t know until you try. If you can & want, why not try?
I have worked in cosmetics and pharma industry for ages, tried zillions of products and I swear by SPF and tretinoin, but azelaic acid, Paula’s Choice 10% AHA serum, Eucerin Urea cream and various vitamin C serums make my skin happy as well (they smooth it, even out skin tone, somehow add more healthy glow – in a different way than tretinoin).
If you want to try a Vit C serum, Dr Dray recommends more affordable brands (I don’t recall the brand names, as they are not sold where I live).
Anon
If you don’t want to spend Skin Ceuticals money, there are several brands that make dupes with the same or higher concentration of vitamin c + ferrulic acid. I tried both Timeless and Mad Hippie after stopping the Skinceuticals and didn’t notice a difference.
Btw I stopped the skinceuticals because it oxidized before I finished the bottle. That happens easily with time & this form of vitamin c. It turns from an antioxidant to a bright orange oxidant – which at best does nothing, at worst may harm. It was an expensive lesson for me that I need to buy the cheap stuff