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Happy January 2! What day is it? What year is it? These are the questions, and I know I'll be getting them wrong for at least a week. There are maaaaajor sales at the Nordstrom Half-Yearly Sale, ending today — including a ton of lucky sizes in $$$$ brands like Akris. The above skirt is a stretchy, scuba velvet and is a whopping 70% off — it was $395, but is now marked to $118. Yowza. Lucky sizes only, and they may be sold out by the time this post goes up — but you can check out some of our other favorites from the sale right here. (Also worth checking out: our roundup of New Year's Day sales for workwear, many of which are also continuing today.) Flounce Hem Skirt
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
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- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Byebye Biglaw
Has anyone transitioned out of an attorney role at a big firm and into a Professional Development Manager type role? If so, I’d be interested in hearing how you like it and what your day-to-day is like. TIA!
January
Not me, but I’m somewhat interested in this transition and would also be curious.
Anonymous
I’ll bite on this. I know two people who have jobs like this. Formerly practicing attorneys, now moms who were secondary earners and wanted to work 9-5 and be able to stay current on their CLEs and connections. So, if you can take the pay cut, it may be viable. But if you ever want to practice again, it seems so unlikely. It’s also likely that you’d be a preferred hire, but someone they ax quickly in the next downturn (why pay a higher salary to a JD when this is an admin task that (in their minds) a 25-year-old can do for probably a lot less)). If it were me, I’d look for some sort of compliance job or contract admin job that is JD-preferred at a company or bank (or something like being a clerk of court). But the only people I know who have done that were mommies not depending solely on this to keep a roof over their heads. If that isn’t you, if you are a single person, I’d be concerned. My biglaw firm is always shedding the higher-cost admin jobs any time reported PPPs are threatened. If I were to take a law admin job as a person-with-a-JD, I’d look at something dealing with conflicts, which always seems to be short on good people (and we don’t routinely ax them).
Anon
+1
Triangle Pose
+1
Anon
For those of you who have active hobbies after work, when do you eat dinner? I used to eat pretty early (6 or so), but now I have a long commute and can’t eat until 7:15 at the earliest if I go straight home. I also am trying to pick up an old hobby again (horseback riding), which would potentially put me home even later. I’m trying to decide whether it makes more sense to go in to work very early so I can leave work an hour earlier and go ride and then go home, or whether I should go in and leave at the usual time, have a snack before riding, and then have a VERY late dinner, which I’m not sure is what my body would ideally need. For reference, I currently leave my house at 7:10 am and get home at 6:30-6:45 pm. I usually try to be asleep by 10:00 pm.
Also, would appreciate other tips on managing hobbies after work, like how you handle chores around the house or meal prep or whatever you’ve got! I really want to make post-work a time for fun and not just for life management, so I would welcome any strategies you’ve all come up with.
Anonymous
I work long hours and commute so on a normal day eat dinner at 8. When I’m doing hobby after work sometimes that shifts to 8:30 or 9 and I make sure it’s a quick and easy dinner and have a snack around 5. During the week I don’t do any real chores or meal prep or anything- sometimes I’ll do a load of laundry and I try and stay on top of the dishes.
anon
Chores around the house = get a cleaner to come in every two weeks, then just do maintenance and spend 10 minutes picking up each day.
Meal prep = batch prep three lunches on Sunday (pasta, etc.) then eat out the other two lunches. Make smoothies for breakfast each morning, keep a box of cereal in my office that I eat dry if I need more food before lunch.
Dinner? = could you eat your main meal at lunch and then bring a sandwich to eat in the car on the way to your riding lesson?
Anon
Honestly I’d separate work times and horse times from eating times. You need to eat at times that are best for your body and just adjust your life around that. For example, the best way for me to maintain my weight and plan meals is to honestly eat all or most of my meals during the week at work (this sounds worse than it is) – all my meals are packed in my lunch bag and eaten from 8 am to 6 pm, no food after 6 pm (only tea or water). This makes life so much easier after work because you don’t have to think about what to make for dinner, dinner prep, or clean up – just do your hobby and go to bed. On another note, I think it makes more sense to go straight from work to horseback riding if you want to do it consistently – no “I’m already home and tired” motivation to not go.
Gail the Goldfish
I am also adding in riding during the week (because I just bought a horse:-) and have a long drive to the barn from both my house and work. I’ve done a combination of things. I was already eating breakfast in my car (granola bar + banana) to maximize sleep. Now, some days I get up at 6 am and go ride before work (this works because my office building has a shower, so I can shower/get dressed at work instead of having to go all the way back to my house). I am not a morning person and this is a struggle but is the only way to ride in daylight until the time changes. On these days, I usually eat a snack when I get to work because I’m already starving again. Some days I go in to work an hour early and leave early to ride after work. On those days, I usually eat snack (like yogurt or a granola bar) shortly before I leave work and then just eat a late dinner (like 7:45-8 pm).
I manage chores by accepting my house will never be totally clean and just not caring.
Anonymous
I’ve become a morning workout person too. I sort of hate it but it’s the only way I’ll stick with it because my evenings are too unpredictable. You make a good point about the light – I run outside and I really wouldn’t want to run in the dark by myself.
Anonymous
I am armed with granola bars and yogurt so I can have a big snack before and then a light snack after I play tennis in the evenings. Too full belly = bad; hangry also doesn’t work. Ideally, if I play at 7, I have a big snack at 6 before I drive.
Anonymous
-Save chores for the weekend, if possible.
-For meal prep, I like to spend a few hours on the weekend batch cooking, preparing foods to cook later, and also planning for leftovers. I like to front load a lot of my cooking so that I will cook at the beginning of my week and eat leftovers/takeout towards the end when I’m more tired and less enthusiastic about cooking. So yesterday, I prepared 3 breakfasts that I can just grab from my fridge, I started marinating some chicken that can be used in 2 meals, I made 3 lunches, and I prepared dinner (with leftovers).
-For dinner, can you split your meal – like, eat soup at your desk before going riding, and then eat a smaller meal in your car / at home afterwards? Or, eat a larger meal at 4pm, and just a snack when you get home.
Anonymous
You’re expecting way too much of yourself. Let’s do some math. Your commute/job consumes almost 12 hours of your day. With 8 hours for sleep, you have 4 hours left over. Your morning/bedtime routines, plus transition times (getting situated when you get home, saying hi to pets, whatever), have to come out of that 4 hours. So you really have like 2 hours a day of free time. Expecting yourself to cook and clean every day plus have a time consuming hobby isn’t workable.
You’ve got to let go of what you can and multitask what you can’t. Housekeeping – get a cleaning person if possible and get in the habit of always “tidying” – never go from, say, your living room to your kitchen without a glass/plate/random trash in your hand. Eat dinner at work or in the car; when you have to eat at home, eat only pre-prepared stuff. Either meal prep on weekends or have really easy go-tos – like a frozen dinner or salad with cheese and nuts.
Anon
This! In a similar boat, I golf 4-5x a week in warm weather (April/May-Octoberish). Get in a routine. I’d experiment a little. Go armed with a sandwich or snacks, but wait and see what your body is asking for. I typically eat breakfast and then a late lunch, so I might dip a few slices of deli turkey in hummus as a snack just before I roll out the door, but not always. Since the weather is normally at least warm and I’m being active, I drink a ton of water, which helps keep me from feeling like I’m starving. I eat a meal when I get home. I make something on Sunday to eat for the week, and to fill in meals, I eat “mezze” a lot – a couple dips and hummus, some rolled up deli meat or chunks of pre-cooked chicken, some feta, a pita, some veggie dippers like peas, carrots, celery. Or, I’ll have pre-made components for bowls that I can throw together a small portion of and eat warm or cold (check out What’s Gaby Cooking for lots of ideas).
I do power cleaning in about 2 hours on Saturday, which includes putting in and switching laundry. I’ve thought about hiring cleaners, but I’m pretty tidy and my house stays fairly clean, so I only occasionally hire out some deep cleaning before parties. I use my dishwasher heavily, have enough clothes for both golf and working out to get me through a full week so I never need to do an emergency load of laundry mid-week.
If I’m going to spend a weekend away, things drop – I pull one of the Pinch of Yum crockpot freezer meals out instead of doing something fresh, my house only gets spot cleaned, and everything is just fine.
Anon
OP here and I agree – time is super limited and I am not going to be able to do everything. I just really want to get out of my bad habit of doing nothing/browsing Netflix/surfing the Internet because “an hour isn’t enough time to really do something” in the evenings and I think having a structured hobby one or two days a week might really help with that. Thanks for the good advice! I agree that staying tidy (rather than frequently deep cleaning) is key. We are now at the point in life where we could afford a cleaning service, but I’m trying to limit the lifestyle inflation to hobbies only :)
Equestrian Attorney
I go horseback riding after work twice a week. I go straight to the stable from work and leave work around 6 – 6:30pm. So I usually bring a sandwich to eat either at work or in the car, then have fruit and yogurt or something after I come home (around 9pm). Not the best dinner but it’s the easiest for me.
Mrs. Type A
Have you tried cook and freezing meals and then bringing to work to eat before riding? I don’t have after work activities but rather young kids and a husband who travels most of the week. I cook on Sunday and double the recipe and freeze. So, for example, I’m made tacos las Sunday. I coooked 2x the amount of taco meant. I portioned the leftovers into smaller amounts.
If I want to serve it for dinner the next week, I just take out one of the portions the night before.
You could put frozen food in a container and in the fridge the night before. Then bring in an insulated bag to work and heat up if necessary before heading out for riding.
Soups work especially well and I probably bring soup to work 2-3x/week for lunch.
Sounds really exciting to get out riding a few times a weeek!! Hope you can make the schedule work with dinner and chores!
Anonymous
At work, unless I forgot to cook or someone wants to have dinner with me. Otherwise, I eat latest by 5:30pm, which is usually as I am leaving work. I’ll go heat my food while I enter my hours for the day.
Worry about yourself
Right now, evening workouts and dance classes usually mean eating afterwards. I eat a healthy snack before leaving work if I’m hungry, and I make myself late dinner when I get home, or I have another snack if I’m not that hungry but want to eat something before I go to bed. Honestly, there was a good year or so when I wasn’t really having “dinner” at all!
Lately I have realized that it’s easy to enjoy a broth bowl at Panera on my way to dance classes, due to the location, so I often do that.
Meal prep and laundry are on weekends usually.
CountC
I ride two nights a week and go straight from work to the barn (getting home around 8 p.m.). The other nights I run after work (getting home around 6:30/7:00 p.m.). I like to be in bed no later than 9:30 because I get up at 4:30 a.m. to be at work by 6:30 a.m. so I can leave at 4:30 p.m. Sometimes I get up at 4:00 a.m. to get a quick run in especially if it’s a semester when I am teaching.
What I do . . . I have a house cleaner who comes every other week, I batch cook both lunch and dinner on Sundays, do laundry once a week on the weekend, and I either take dinner to heat up before I leave for the barn on those nights or I eat dinner when I get home. I always have snack/protein bars in my purse. I also accept that my house will be untidy sometimes and some things may not get done.
Rainbow Hair
My life skews kinda early, and I truly need a lot of sleep (to not be a jerk) so here’s what my day looks like:
Wake ~6:30, do all the stuff needed to get out of the house by 7:15 with kiddo in tow, kiddo dropped off at daycare ~7:45, then to work by 8. I leave work at 5, pick up kiddo, home ideally by 5:35, drink water maybe eat one bite of dinner, throw on gym clothes. Gym is 6 – 6:30 (it’s a half-hour HIIT type class) and it’s close to where I live, so I’m out of the house about 5:45-6:45 total. Then I get home, spend time w/ kid while scarfing cold dinner (husband cooks). She goes to bed around 7:30, then I shower and take care of the business of life (groceries, laundry) and if there’s time, maybe do some crafting/sewing (but LBH it’s as likely to be netflixing). If husband is making something special, like scallops, sometimes he’ll wait until she’s in bed and we’ll eat a late dinner together, and then no business of life gets done. I try to be in bed by 10, 10:30 at the latest.
My days feel a little too jammed-in sometimes, but for now it’s worth it to do most days like that, because of the serious mental health benefits I see from the exercising.
Anon
I eat a snack and then eat again when I get home. Sometimes it’s dinner sometimes it’s another snack. I very rarely come straight home from work, I either go to a hobby, work out, go to happy hour or run errands so I’m literally never home until 8 or so.
I meal prep on Sunday or Monday (Monday’s after work activity is usually the gym followed by the grocery store). My apartment isn’t huge and my roommate and I are tidy so cleaning up only takes ~10 mins most days. I fit in laundry and deeper cleans when I can, usually Sunday afternoons or a night when I’m home “early”. I might spend 20 mins (if that, the kitchen is minuscule) cleaning the kitchen one day and 10 mins vacuuming a few days later so deeper cleaning is broken up so it’s not a huge time suck
Small Firm IP Litigator
Could you simply isolate horseback riding to the weekend? Pretty much all of my hobbies involve fitness and food. I do time consuming hobbies on the weekend (long runs, surfing, cycling, large cooking projects), and do smaller things during the weekend (gym, short runs).
Do massive meal prep sessions on the weekend (pre-steaming veggies, putting together a huge pot of meat, etc.). Figure out what housework can wait until the weekend – I typically only worry about dishes during the week, and may throw in a load of laundry. Anything more involved waits until the weekend or for the housekeeper.
To avoid eating super late and to avoid horrendous traffic coming home, I have become a morning workout person – I leave for the gym or on a run between 6:30-7am, and get to the office around 9am and leave around 7pm, so I can get home by 7:15 and be eating by 8pm. After that I just clean up the dishes, veg, and go to bed around 10:30.
CL
I also have long commute to work and I do crossfit every night and I found that splitting my lunch up works well. So I eat half the lunch a little early and then the other half a little later than normal. Keeps me going until dinner (that I make once home). If my lunch portions are big enough I only eat a banana w Greek yogurt or something small for dinner.
Anon
Does anyone have a good system for keeping track of new year’s resolutions throughout the year?
Houda
I have a bullet journal where I put a tracker.
So for my 3 resolutions, I start with the month of january having 3 sets of 31 squares and color-in a square for each day that I acted on my resolution.
You end up having a month overview and can visually see periods when you fall off the wagon or when you are on a roll.
cat socks
A while back someone in the comments mentioned the Habits app. I use it for Android, not sure if it is there for Apple. It is a very simple habit tracker. I get overwhelmed making large, year long resolutions so I track habits I want to keep track of each day like flossing, drinking water, exercising etc.
Anon
I use Done (which I learned about on this site) the same way.
Shopaholic
I just bought Done and I love it. I like that I can track habits at different frequencies.
Frozen Peach
I love the Ink and volt planner for this.
MKB
ditto :-)
Vicky Austin
Okay, I already know what my 2020 planner will be. Thank you!
Anon
I bullet journal. I never feel as organized keeping my calendar and particularly tasks online as I do using a written book. My bullet journal won’t win any awards for being pretty but it keeps me on track.
Last year’s book had a shopping list and an inventory of clothing/shoes/bags I bought, because one of my goals was to be more organized about all of that. It really helped. During the year I did a Whole Food type eating plan for a while and I used my daily tasks pages to keep track of what I ate and what I planned to cook.
This year I have cooking related goals and have already started an inventory page at the back of my journal for recipes I plan to cook.
It’s very satisfying to check things off in my book as I do them. I highly recommend starting one now.
I use this book:
https://bulletjournal.com/products/notebook
cookie
Good morning! I’m excited to get home today because I have allll sorts of lovely packages arriving from my post-Christmas sale shopping! I’ve been working hard to clean out my closet and donate all the pieces that don’t bring me joy, and I used the holiday sales to find missing pieces to make more outfits. I’ve decided I’m sticking to a firm color scheme in my wardrobe, and it makes shopping so much easier and less overwhelming because I can filter by the colors I wear.
One piece that’s arrived already that I’m dying to wear…. a leopard (faux) fur coat.
Houda
I did the same. Got rid of my B- items.
I have a small wardrobe to begin with so it made a huge difference. Didn’t have to buy a lot more because I was buying A items slowly through the year, but now my capsule looks so much better.
Got rid of all the pink pieces, cashmere sweaters with holes, too short skirts etc.
2 bags later, my wardrobe looks like a tiny concept store.
Can’t wait for the summer clearout.
Vicky Austin
#goals
Donations?
Outstanding! I have been working on the same…..where are you donating? I usually donate all suits to Dress for Success but what about dresses? separates that are more business casual? I have size 10 and 10P so after calling the shelters I am finding that they would like to receive larger sizes. Any tips most appreciated!
Anonymous
Goodwill.
C2
I donate a variety of items to Dress for Success, far beyond suits – they need to help women put together a full outfit. They also help with wardrobe for work, so beyond the interview suit. If it’s in good condition and would be appropriate to wear in a biz casual setting, I take it to them. Check your local dress for success website! Mine accepts: Interview appropriate suits, Interview appropriate blouses, Professional separates including blouses, slacks, skirts, dresses, blazers and jackets, Work appropriate shoes, Handbags, Jewelry & Scarves, Scrubs, Professional Maternity Wear, Hats, gloves and winter jackets (in winter months).
cookie
Goodwill is easiest for me. I reached out to my local Dress for Success once but never got a reply, so it was too much effort to follow up with them.
lsw
I’ve been looking for one – where did you get it from??
cookie
The leopard coat? From Chicos of all places! I saw it in the window on one of my rare mall trips and stalked it online until it went on super sale. It’s soft like a bunny and ridiculously cute.
lsw
That is awesome! I will look there. I really want to get in on this trend.
NOLA
Yay for donating and starting fresh! I was overwhelmed with clothes in about 4 sizes. I normally donate to Bridge House, here in N.O., because they have great programs that support people with addiction, and sell everything in their thrift store. This time, I gave clothes to some former students who are single parents and needed clothes. The rest went to Covenant House, which supports homeless families. A student of mine was doing a clothing drive for them. I gave away shoes to friends and the ones that were too beaten up went to friends in the Muses parade to decorate. Bras went to Soma.
I have spent my break restocking in my new size. I ordered underwear, bought bras, tried on jeans until I figured out my size (got a great deal on Kut from the Kloth jeans at Rack, plus the Levi’s outlet). I also looked at dresses online at Rack, then went down there and tried a bunch of them on in person. I’m finding that some of the things that looked great online still don’t fit me through the bust (I lost in band size, but not in volume). I bought one dress and will wait until warmer weather for more.
Beyond clothes, I also made a BIG transition in asking for (and receiving) a Kitchenaid mixer for Christmas. I have baked my whole life and always just used a bowl and wooden spoon. It felt like too much this year and I decided to take the plunge. It will come on Monday!
Anonymous
Hello, me too! I lost 2/3 sizes in 2018 so with every season I was discovering new things that I needed to get in my new size. Am waiting on a coat that hasn’t shipped yet and some ponte pants so that I can keep wearing my oversized sweaters without looking too frumpy.
Networking App
Happy new year everyone! I am looking for digital management suggestions: I am an academic who has to do a fair share of networking, going to conferences, meeting people, following up, keeping in touch… I am struggling to effectively manage all this and would love to have a digital system (preferably free, but willing to spend some money). In an ideal world, it would let me record not only personal data (email, address, etc.) of people I meet, but also note what we talked about or whether we planned to meet up again. Then it should remind me (either for a specific event or after a chosen amount of time has passed) to email them and follow up. Does any such tool exist?
Z
I use the Google Contacts app/contacts.google.com for this. It works on my phone and computer, lets you record all different kinds of information, and if you have certain Android phones you can even take a photo of a business card and it will automatically enter the information into a contact for you. I’m not sure if there’s an app for iPhone, but it works in the browser, so you could always save a browser shortcut to your home screen if you wanted.
The only thing it doesn’t do that you mentioned is reminders. Right now I use Inbox for that, which is easy enough: just start typing “follow up with [contact] about [whatever] on [date]” and it links the relevant contact data and reminder date automatically. Inbox is going away in March, though, so I’ll have to find a new way to manage reminders.
Anonymous
Outlook?
OP
Thanks for the suggestions so far. I should have mentioned that I use a Macbook, IPad and IPhone.
LAnon
Do a web search for “Personal CRM” – there are lots of apps out there that are designed to do this sort of thing and you can find one that works well for you and integrates with the things you want to integrate with.
The guy who used to be in a band
Is anyone else dating / married to this guy:
He used to be in a band. In college. And maybe for a while after (not as in I am married to Keith Richards or someone who was touring with Lady Antebellum, but we had a few gigs in a bar where we split $500 five ways at the end of the night and had to carry in our own equipment (that is why our garage will always be half-full of black cabinet-things))?
And now that he is having some sort of mid-life crisis, all other music s*cks, because he used to be in a band. Always. No matter the music. [And it is said as some sort of Platonic Absolute — not “I am not really digging this”]?
FWIW, I, too play an instrument and have played in a symphony. I still play sometimes for fun and enjoy our church’s music program (even though I don’t participate in it now). I found that playing an instrument really made me appreciate all music more, but I can take or leave things I don’t like or love (but, man, do not make me go to another Cure concert; I can take only so much of that before I just want to jet; I do not think it s*cks, just that my patience for Cure fanatics runs out unless I’ve had a completely blissed-out day before that, which is never the case).
I digress.
Anonymous
Not sure what kind of response you’re looking for … is the issue that he is angry and depressed about his life and it’s leaking out through his angry statements about other people’s music?
K
I’m totally dating a version of this. He was in a band in college and infrequently played some gigs at local bars. He is into only hard rock music and whenever I play something that I like (alt rock, pop, broadway musical soundtracks currently) I get “that’s not my style”.
Pretty frustrating, but I don’t like his style of music all that much either.
Anonymous
I’ll do you one better. My ex was in a death metal band in the late 80s/early 90s. His band was almost signed once and I don’t think he ever got over the disappointment of not making it big. He continued to record music as long as we were together, I assume he still does. Every other type of music sucked, he would only listen to death metal and would whine incessantly if I turned on anything else. Like no dude I don’t want to listen to screaming, why is that hard to understand.
Vicky Austin
In college, I angrily tweeted something like “If you genuinely believe your music taste makes you genetically superior, I can guarantee you no one will ever want your genes to survive.” Wonder which unimpressive date with an unimpressive boy that was after.
Monday
I have several semi-professional musicians in my family. They went to conservatory, have performed on TV, and have close friends and former band-mates who are now pro/full-time musicians touring nationally. None of these people are snobby or rude about music. They support people trying to learn, and if they don’t like a certain song or act, it’s not a big deal.
I’m pretty sure they would say this is coming from regret, insecurity, or bitterness related to your partner’s identity as a musician. Your “midlife crisis” take is probably right on. I might suggest calling his bluff and/or supporting his creativity (you’ll find out which it is!) by encouraging him to play more, form a new band, write songs, etc. If it’s really so important to him, he should jump at the chance.
+1
Married to a dude who is a musician, who actually makes a living doing the music thing, and he is as described above. We live in Nashville and most “big” folks here are just the same.
He has some music he doesn’t like, but generally appreciates all sorts of music and loves listening to everything from show tunes to experimental instrumental stuff. This sounds like he misses the “good ol’ days.” I think the suggestions above are great.
...
I have several dear friends in the industry and are Nashville based… that’s a fairly small world, which makes me wonder if I know your husband (and/or you)… even if not, I’d bet we know many of the same folks… yay for small worlds sometimes! :)
Anon
So, I’m married to a musician. I am also a musician of sorts (I play several instruments) but i don’t gig. He does.
I can relate to some of the frustrations but overall I think it’s good for each of us to have our own “thing.” He’s gone all day every Saturday for practice and gigs a lot of Friday and Saturday nights. I try to go to about 2/3 of the gigs, which can be fun or can feel like an obligation, depending on how I feel.
My main issues have been
1) this schedule was difficult when our kids were young, and there was one band I really insisted he quit because I was already way too much of a band widow / single mom, and the band was trying to start touring. That was a tough spot in our relationship but we’re on the other side of it now and much better
2) sometimes I don’t like the music his band plays and going to gigs sucks when that is the case
3) he has been in a lot of bands, and if you think the drama when your girlfriends break up with their boyfriends is a bit much, wait till you have to hear every detail of a band breakup
4) he thinks he’s right about all things musical. Like, if I like a song or band he doesn’t like, it means I’m an idiot with bad taste. Yes, I call him out on this. No, he doesn’t change.
The good parts
1) sometimes the gigs are fun, and a way to have a fun night out
2) it’s kind of hot when your boyfriend is in a band that the crowd is going nuts for
3) our kids are super musical, which is what I’ve always hoped for. I imagined life with kids as a cacophony of violin, guitar, trumpet, piano, you name it – and that’s what I have, and I love it. (This wall of sound of practice and mistakes and screechy sounds might not be for everyone, but it is for me!)
4) he likes all kinds of music, so we’re just as likely to go to the opera as we are a Dweezil Zappa concert.
Anonymous
If he hasn’t yet said, “Television is the only band I will listen to,” then you are still in the early stages of this disease. I’d suggest speeding up the process by presenting him with two Television albums, on vinyl, and a set of headphones.
lsw
I got a great deal on a Veronica Beard blazer (Clifford, I think) and it’s flattering and stylish, but I’m not sure what to wear it with. It’s a wide wale, very dark navy corduroy. What would you wear it with? Most of my pants are black and navy. I keep almost returning it, but it’s so cute.
Anonymous
Jeans.
Cat
+1 — this sounds like an ideal “jeans Friday” topper
Senior Attorney
Olive or gray pants.
family travel costs
Happy New Year! We’re on day 2 of 2019 and the family travel discussions have already started for the year…
Long story short, my family has some rocky relationships, but we still want to pretend like we like each other sometimes. My mom has been pushing for family togetherness for a long time (last time we were together was 2 years ago for a graduation), and wants ALL the kids and spouses together (the various iterations of 1 or 2 kids + spouses is fine, but not good enough forever). My sister just announced that she’s pregnant with the first grandchild on this side of the family.
It’s most convenient and probably most cost-effective for all of us to visit Hometown where my mom lives. She can’t host all of us at the same time for a long weekend, so we’ll probably rent a big house near Activities that’s within a reasonable driving distance for her. But, she’ll probably want to stay at the house with all the kids so we can spend alllll the time together. This is fine.
The question is: is there a tactful way to suggest splitting the aggregate costs among all of us, including my mom? She’s the one insisting this whole thing has to happen, but effectively, would not be contributing to the cost at all (I mean, she might buy a dinner one evening or something, but flights, accommodations, etc.). It’s double the cost for my sister and her spouse to fly to Hometown compared to me and my brother, so if feels like we should all chip in for the total cost of the vacation vs. her having to pay double for a vacation she doesn’t even really want to attend. All siblings make plenty of money, mom should have plenty of money but lives a bit above her means, and the cost that we’re talking about is not outrageous. It just feels like we’re all adults, we’re family, so if we’re going to go on a vacation to Hometown, we should just split the total costs evenly vs. forcing sister to subsidize mom because of where she happens to live.
Anon
I don’t think you can ask her to chip in for flights, but if she stays at the house that you rent she should absolutely pay a portion of it. I would do research and find a place and email everyone with the suggested cost per person. Don’t tiptoe around it.
Anonymous
Why wouldn’t mom be contributing in a proportionate share to the cost of the house, food, and activities same as everyone else? I don’t think she should contribute to anyone’s travel expenses though. That’s strange and unreasonable and you shouldn’t either. If it’s too expensive for sis she can say no.
This is why people take cruises. Everyone has to pay their own way and there aren’t a lot of expenses that come up.
Sarabeth
Honestly, it sounds like this will be just one more way to make a vaguely unpleasant vacation even less enjoyable. In your sister’s shoes, I’d rather pay the money than spend months in negotiations over it. This is assuming she really has ‘plenty of money,’ of course.
I do think you can split accommodations equally. Ask up front: ‘Mom, are you planning on staying overnight with us? If so, we’ll look for a place with a room for you. FYI, cost will probably be around $X.’
Anon
Why introduce a money issue with your mom if the siblings can afford it? Pay for your mom, she’s paid for you for years. Split it with your sibling. Don’t make an issue out of it. This is why families have issues.
Never too many shoes...
This is my cultural background coming out, but for Greeks, the parents pay like forever. I took my mom o a trip recently and she was so uncomfortable that I paid for it.
Anon
I get that, but it sounds here like OP wants to charge her mom to stay in the place they rent, not that mom wants to pay for the kids.
Anon.
Agree 100%. Asking your mom to pay for your lodging is like asking your children to pay, especially when you all make plenty of money and she is likely retired. I hate to be judgmental, but you need to be more grateful that your mother paid for many things for you that you can never do enough to pay back. Also, I’m surprised you don’t all vacation together once a year. Not having a vacation together every year is how dysfunctions start happening .
Anon
I mean… I don’t know. In a family where people really do want to see you, they pay the cost to go see you. My brother doesn’t ask my parents to split his airfare whenever he comes home from the other coast.
So if you want to keep up the pretention of wanting to see someone, then paying for your own cost is part of the pretention. Otherwise, don’t do it?
Texan In Exile
Because your parents are mean alcoholics who have created a co-dependency in you that you recognize but still can’t shake? Because your dad is a really mean alcoholic who is cruel to your mom and you are the only bright spot in your mom’s life?
Anonymous
If YOU want to help subsidize sister’s trip then talk to her about it. But no I don’t think you should suggest that your mom and brother should do so. Everyone needs to cover the cost of their own flight. Sorry but that’s just how travel works. Plus, I’m not sure you’re doing sister any favors by suggesting that other family members should cover part of the cost of her flight. When you ask people for money you’re sort of inviting their input. I can see it now – she and spouse pick the flight that works best for them but it’s a few hundred dollars more than flights out of a different airport, at a different date or time, on a budget airline, or with longer/more layover(s). Queue the “helpful” emails with budget flight options. Ime people have wholly unrealistic expectations of how much air travel costs – “you can totally get a cross country flight for $200!” – and will get bent out of shape if you suggest paying for convenience, especially if they’re not the ones who would have to deal with 3 layovers each way.
Senior Attorney
I agree with this. Adults pay for their own travel arrangements.
Anon
No there is no good way to do this without further jeopardizing your family relationships. Don’t travel anywhere you don’t want to pay to travel – and your sister shouldn’t either. But don’t ask someone else to pay your travel costs. You’re an adult now. Pay your own way.
family travel costs
I’d be paying about the same amount either way, it’s really Sister ending up subsidizing my mom and my brother, the two main drivers of the tension. Sister and I love spending time together and do spend money to visit each other. Brother tends to mooch or not play (“The only way I’ll do family time is if everyone visits me and gets hotel rooms”, “I’ll come for Big Life Event but only if I get to stay with someone for free”), mom insists that we must all come together and also kind of mooches (“When baby comes, I’ll stay with Sister and you get hotel rooms”, and she won’t really be helping with baby but rather being so emotionally happy that her baby now has a baby), so that’s where the unfairness is coming in.
In any case, the comments here have convinced me to just not bother. Sister and I end up even with each other or I help her out because I dote on her. Mom/brother are a lost cause anyways, so we can just deal with the once every few years we have to make this trade-off.
Anonymous
I don’t understand this at all. Either everyone pays for their room in the house or the trip doesn’t happen. Everyone pays for their own travel. There should be no drama about “here is a house it costs $75/room/night. Venmo me your share and I’ll book it.”
Anon
Not understanding somebody’s messed up family dynamics doesn’t mean it’s not gonna happen. There *shouldn’t* be drama in that scenario, but it definitely doesn’t mean that there won’t be!
Anonymous
It sounds like you’re doing a lot of unnecessary score keeping about paying for hotel rooms and travel costs. For example, it sounds like you think you’re the one entitled to stay for free with your sister instead of your mom. Are you sure you’re not the one bringing the drama?
Anon
Yeah, don’t suggest split airfare equally amongst your mother (who isn’t even traveling!) and family members. It seems nitpicky and cheap and just leads to something simple being complicated. Your sibling chose to live far away, she knows what the cost is to see her Mom. She’s an adult if she wants to pay she will, if not she won’t. For what it’s worth I don’t think it’s at all common for family members to split plane costs across families unless one party offers as a gift to pay for all or a portion of a flight – especially once they are financially independent and married. If it’s that important to you that costs are fairly split then you should offer to pay for your sister as a gift – not ask for your flights to be subsidized. Do you really want to see your family if you can afford a flight but are miffed about paying for it? No one is forcing you just don’t go.
On the home share, I think it’s very normal for everyone staying in the house to split costs by person.
family travel costs
These are all fair points, particularly the comment about pretending we all want to see each other. Sister truly can afford the cost we’re talking about, and you’re all probably right that just paying the money is easier than negotiating for it. The real issue is that none of the siblings want to do this trip at all, but adding more strife on top of by introducing money costs is just dumb. You’ve convinced me to suck it up.
rosie
Yeah, I think you’re right to suck it up. To help with that, I would frame it in your mind as a trip, not a vacation.
Unicorn?
If the cost isn’t a financial hardship, it seems like asking this of your mom is just a passive-aggressive way to emphasize that you really don’t want to do this. If you don’t want to do it, say no. Otherwise pay as you would for any other vacation.
Anon
I don’t really understand why you are trying to fight this battle for Sister. Does Sister want people to subsidize her travel expenses or is this something you are going out of the way to do because you are upset with the “mooching”? (I’m also not totally sure what you’re describing is mooching… Mooching is more like when you’re on a trip, and everyone rotates paying for rounds of drinks or meals and one person never chips in. What you’re describing just seems more like your mom wanting to see her first grandkid.)
We are planning a trip with my in-laws for later this year, and we are your Sister in this situation. We are going to the beach, SIL and MIL can drive. We cannot. MIL/FIL want to go for a week– no one else wants to burn all their vacation on a beach trip that they don’t even want to go on and has other trips planned for the year. Compromise we have reached is to go over a long weekend, and MIL/FIL can leave the house and go stay by themselves for the rest of the week. SIL is TTC and may be pregnant at the time of this trip also. We have essentially given them a list of beaches that we can get to via a cheap flight and told them to figure it out from there, so basically we told them what our budget constraints were and are hoping that they choose something based on those. If they don’t, then tbh, I don’t really care bc then I have an excuse to get out of the trip and just send DH.
Anon
I’m sorry, including flights in this is too much. People pay for their own car travel or airfaire to Hometown. I get your family has had things a little rough, but people have made the choice to live where they live, and let it be up to them to make their travel decisions. This gets sticky so fast – someone will complain they picked a more expensive flight for convenience, what if people want to cover airfare with miles or card points? If your sister isn’t strapped for cash and hasn’t asked you to help compensate for her costs, keep your nose out of it.
I do think, however, you can successfully find a way to split all the shared costs after travel to Hometown. I would find a big Airbnb or VRBO in hometown, and say “cost per person is X for lodging” and include mom in that. Use Splitwise to split groceries, meals, activity costs, shared rental car, etc.
If you want to have all things equal, travel to a different destination that would be approximately equal cost for everyone to fly and rent a house there.
Tops?
After constantly buying clothes all year through (for years), reading allll the fash advice etc I still didn’t have a single top to wear to a casual dressy lunch event today. Of course part (all?) of the issue is that I’m a very apple shaped size 14 (at 5 feet tall) so I’m generally unhappy with anything tight, loose or sticking to the curves at the wrong places. Any ideas for good basic tops that could help? TIA!
trefoil
No suggestions but i am with you (size and all!) in commiseration – i ordered a bunch of fun tops from H&M and discovered that their sizing had changed and everything was enormous on me. It was an ego boost, but a let down to return a stack of awesome William Morris prints.
Anon
I tried to respond this morning but I don’t know where my comment went. I don’t know if you’re still reading but I’ve had really good luck with the wrap tops at Loft lately. I’m a 1x, busty but also have a bit of a belly I’m always trying to minimize. I like the wraps with the big bow tied just to the side of the front. It gives a nice camouflage to the area. This season I have alternated between a pine green cotton wrap top and a dusty blue satiny rayon wrap top. I usually wear them with a skirt and a long cardigan.
PInk
this is why i wear dresses and have given up on tops…
That aside, I’ve found that I like the pullover style of button-downs (not those that are true button-downs because of boobs. ALSO, I found that v-necks help with the apple shape.
Good luck!!
KC
Interview outfit help please! Going in for a hopefully final-round interview next week – it’s a small nonprofit, but the position is corporate-facing. From most formal to least: black CK skirt suit, light grey BR pantsuit, textured WHBM pantsuit with peplum jacket (as featured on Corporette), or dress/jacket combo? Black skirt suit sounds a little too stuffy, but still want to impress.
Anonymous
What did you wear for earlier rounds? What have your interviewers been wearing?
TCF
I would go black skirt suit with a fun top or WHBM pantsuit. And good luck!!
K
Black skirt suit with a jewel toned blouse?
pugsnbourbon
+1 that’s exactly what I’d wear.
Anon
I vote for the black skirt suit. I just received an offer after interviewing in a navy CK skirt suit & white blouse. :)
KC
Thanks all. Previous rounds have all been via phone, so hard to know. Appreciate the confirmation that you can’t go wrong with the black skirt suit (as this is exactly what it was intended for!). Now, we just have to hope it still fits after the holidays…!
Winnie
Those who exercise +/- thing in the morning, what do you eat?
Also, saw a thing talking about the first two weeks of menstrual cycle, female hormones are lower so exercises to build muscle/strength are more effective. Last two weeks, usually have more energy and aerobic emphasis is more practical. Does anyone structure their exercise around this?
Anonymous
That sounds like some nonsense to me.
Mpls
No – I don’t structure my exercise around my cycle. That level of optimization would just present another hurdle to me doing any exercise, and probably isn’t going to give me any noticeable return on effort.
pugsnbourbon
I saw something on this too – while I didn’t read it carefully, it struck me as one of those “super-small study that’s been extrapolated out too far” things. If I were an elite athlete and competing, I might consider it, but I am definitely not.
Mpls
I imagine the study was something like “Here are the levels of hormones at different parts of the cycle. Here’s a possible use for the information that we haven’t tested yet” and then some news article took the hypothetical scenario and ran with it.
Anon
I started running a year ago (4.5 miles early in the morning + a long run on weekends) and do not eat before running, except for occasionally eating a spoonful of nut butter. However, my husband and daughter would not consider running without eating a banana, half a bagel or part of a protein bar.
I never adjust to stages of the menstrual cycle but not sure it would matter anyway since I’m 49. :)
BB
I do about 20 minutes of cardio every morning. Preferably a run outside, but my muscles can’t take daily pavement running, so I mix it up with some indoor cycling. I eat nothing beforehand and just drink water. Afterwards, I eat a single serve yogurt.
January
I’m surprised by this finding – I am usually more tired in the latter half of my cycle.
Anonymous
I have heard of female friends who refuse to work out the week of their cycle, but not what you’re talking about. I don’t work around my cycle in any way unless it’s an unusually heavy or cramp day, which is at most every 4-6 cycles. Otherwise I proceed with my work plan as scheduled.
Anonymous
I used to really need to eat something before working out in the morning. I would get lightheaded and dizzy if I didn’t. After 3-4 years of my routine, though, I’ve found I no longer need to eat beforehand. Idk if it’s age or just getting used to my workout? Back when I needed to eat, I’d have a slice of wheat toast with some nut butter, or some cheese and crackers. I think maybe listen to your body; try some different options and see what makes you feel best.
Re the timing issue – I read all this stuff about the best way to optimize your workout/diet and I think… it’s probably not relevant unless you’re trying to be a competitive athlete. It’s a pretty big win for me to just get out of bed and move. I’m really trying to appreciate my little successes and not set such a high standard for myself that I’m never happy with anything I do.
NYCer
I work out sometime between 6:00 and 7:30 am (NOT the entire time – usually for 20-60 minutes in that time frame depending on the day and activity) and I never eat anything before.
I occasionally have a sip of juice or a few berries or grapes when I get back, but generally do not eat until I get to work and am settled (8:30-8:45).
JuniorMinion
I am a powerlifter and I do 1-2 hrs of strength training in the morning (largely compound lifts + accessory movements) I either eat 1) a protein shake + a serving of oatmeal / kodiak cakes whole grain muffin cups or 2) if I can’t stomach solid food, I do gatorade powder in my water + protein shake
Keys in my research are eating pre workout is most important if you are doing lengthy endurance training / serious strength training and heavy lifting. I’m usually ok without food to do 20-30 minutes of basic cardio on active rest days but I would die on heavy deadlifts / squats. All my research and personal experience has been that the best pre workout food should be high carb, high protein, low fat, low fiber (for tmi reasons). I try to in general time my carbiest meals to be before and after my workouts.
Anon
My BIL and SIL are going through a tough time, and I’m trying to get them a gift certificate for massages. They live in Atlanta in the Sandy Springs area. They belong to a country club and normally get massages there, but I called and I can’t purchase gift cards as a non-member. Does anyone have suggestions of where I should look? I’m not from the area and have no real concept of what’s close/convenient in Atlanta. We would like something indulgent and a step above massage envy. Thank you!
Vicky Austin
Can the country club accept a payment from you to put a credit on their account, which they can then use to get massages?
Frozen Peach
Definitely Natural Body.
cbackson
I would get them a gift certificate to Natural Body Spa, which has locations in Buckhead and Brookhaven (both neighborhoods on the north side of the city, so more likely convenient for them). I haven’t used either but am a frequent visitor to some of the other Natural Body locations and have always had a good experience.
Sandy Springs is a fairly large area, so unfortunately depending on where they live, most Atlanta spas might be a 10-minute drive or a 30-minute drive.
AttiredAttorney
A third endorsement for Natural Body, which I would characterize as a step above Massage Envy. If you really want to splurge on them and they won’t be scared off by a short drive to Buckehad, then the Mandarin Oriental in Buckhead would be my top recommendation, but the relaxation facilities are gender-specific, not unisex, if you want them to have “shared” bonding time. I also like spa finder gift cards for this purpose, where the recipient can pick the exact spa. They have plenty of options in Sandy Springs and surrounding areas.
Health Insurance Help
I live in NYC and see a psychiatrist who does not take insurance. She was originally recommended by my ob/gyn for PPA/D, and I have stayed with her for several years now; she is the only therapist I have ever seen who has gotten me to open up, and my life has improved tremendously as a result. I recently started seeing her 2x/wk (previously was 1x) in connection with an event in my life that has negatively impacted my mental health. I also switched jobs earlier this year, to a small-employer plan that is fully insured and doesn’t have any flexibility to negotiate rates. I just got a letter from this new insurer (Oxford UHC) saying that they will only cover the usual and customary rate for such services, which to their mind is like $125/session — perhaps reasonably in middle America, but definitely not the going rate for a psychiatrist in Manhattan. As a result, I am on the hook for a ton of money going forward. If any of you have successfully negotiated for better out-of-network coverage from an insurer, please let me know (and let me know a script!) — I would love to keep seeing my therapist twice weekly, but I can’t afford to do so at this new rate.
Anonymous
Twice weekly is a ton. I think you’ll have more success asking her to help move you off doing that. No insurance company is going to ok that when you could see someone in network.
Ellen
I agree. You need to find a freind who will talk to you free and give you advise, like Myrna does for me. Once you have a boyfreind, he can also provide you with an ear to listen (and other parts for other thing’s). Good luck to you; I know how tough it can be for a single woman in NYC, having been through alot of bad relationships, but a therapist is too expensive for me also. FOOEY!
BC
You may be able to negotiate with the therapist, too. One of my son’s specialists left our network and offers a discounted rate to prior patients. Also, depending on your deductible, you may only need to pay up to the annual deductible and then the remainder would be covered.
Cookbooks
I was in a similar position a few years ago, but it was with a psychologist, not psychiatrist. When my insurance switched, my therapist was no longer covered. However, I didn’t want to switch and start from scratch with someone new, not when she had been helping so much over the years. For a while, I was able to cover the fee out of pocket, but it wasn’t sustainable when her rates increased. So I first tried to see if we could meet once or twice less than usual. When she asked why, I told her that with the change in insurance and her rates, it was going to be difficult to pay. She was willing to work with me to find a rate and schedule that worked for both of us.
Senior Attorney
Yeah I feel like you would have a lot better luck negotiating with the psychiatrist than with the insurance company.
Anon
I just really get annoyed at putting this on the psychiatrist to lower her rates for you. She charges what she’s worth. If you can’t afford it, that is just not her problem. There’s this attitude that if you can’t afford something the seller should lower the price and that is just not okay.
Senior Attorney
On the other hand it’s a benefit to the psychiatrist to have a reliable 2x/week patient and I don’t think it’s at all unreasonable to ask for a discount for being such a steady customer.
...
+1. In a helping profession, it can be gut-wrenching to hear this from a client and it puts them in a horrible position to feel like you’ll blame them if they don’t drop their pricing. Most are independent so they are priced based on their education, experience, and the costs of doing business. They likely can’t afford to take hits, especially from multiple clients, whereas insurance can.
However, you said yours doesn’t take insurance, so does that mean you’ve always paid out of pocket? What makes that different now? An alternative might be to see if you can use FSA money (pre-tax) to pay the psychiatrist, so then the cost is less for you than regular money you’ve been taxed on and the psychiatrist isn’t taking a hit.
If none of this is possible, I’d suggest saying to the psychiatrist, “My insurance plan changed so the costs are becoming higher for me. I want us to keep working together because I really value working with you. I’m not sure I can cover 2x/week costs. How can we figure out how to get me back down to 1x/week as soon as is realistic for my goals?” That gives them awareness of the situation and they can then offer to discount a rate if they want (but you won’t be angling for it or expecting it) and/or they can talk with you about how long to expect the 2x/week situation to be necessary and begin working with you to do some of the work at home on your own so you still get 2x/week time in, you’re just using half of that to do work yourself on yourself for yourself.
Anon
Why is your financial struggle your therapist’s problem? Pay the differential or complain to the insurance company. Consider yourself lucky any of it is covered by insurance.
Anon
It might be the therapist’s problem if she doesn’t want to lose her clients. Maybe the therapist doesn’t need her as a client, maybe she does. Maybe she’d rather give a discount than to lose the entire business from this one patient. You never know and it doesn’t hurt to ask.
NYNY
Since you said your psychiatrist does not take insurance, I’m assuming that your plan covers out of network therapy? If that’s the case, then you have zero chance of negotiating with the carrier. That rate is part of the contract between your employer and Oxford. also, it’s likely that the coverage is for a limited number of appointments annually, so 2X/week is probably cutting into that limited coverage pretty quickly.
Talk to your therapist about it. She may have a sliding scale. Promise you that it’s not the first time someone has asked.
Anonymous
My office has a rather nice gym that I would really like to use more. I have a dedicated locker that holds my gym clothes and shoes. I don’t have any toiletries (deodorant, brush, facewash, etc) in there but I was thinking I should stash some in there too. I was thinking rather than trying to make a routine out of going at a specific time (I tried and failed at this in the past due to never having a consistent start or end time to my day- I’m a litigator for the record), I would just try to sneak away when I have 30min to an hour to spare, whether it be 9am, 2pm or 7pm. Does anyone do this/any advice for making this work?
Anon in the D
I’ve done this and the key is to time things very strictly and realistically. What helped me:
– I have preset workouts of 30 min. 45 min. and 1 hr so no procrastinating trying to figure out what to do. If I’m really unsure, I just get on the treadmill to prevent decision fatigue. Tbh if I only had 30 minutes, I’d just take a brisk walk as it hardly leaves enough time to change into and out of workout clothes.
– I timed how long it takes to walk to the gym, how long it takes to change, and how long it takes to shower, do basic toiletries, and walk back to the office. And stick to the times. If you’re not done with the work out by the time you need to leave, just skip the remainder – something is better than nothing.
– I also cut out the unnecessaries. When I was working out during the day, I wore very light or no makeup and never washed my hair after a workout (which meant no swimming on midday workouts). A quick minute shower (washing face in the shower) with shower cap (dry shampoo if you must), deodorant, tame the hair and swipe of mascara and tinted lip balm took about 10 minutes flat. Some people do light workouts to “prevent smells” and skip the shower but trust me – we can smell you.
– Keep doubles of everything in the locker in clear bags for ease of finding. I even take a week’s worth of workout clothes and stash them in the locker on Monday and take home only the dirty clothes that day (or some lazy weeks, keep the dirty clothes in the locker in an air tight bag and take home Friday).
CHL
I have never been able to make a gym routine at the office stick but I am very opportunistic — meeting cancels at 9 am? Go to the gym! 2 pm open on a Thursday? go to the gym. I put a goal of going 2x per week and don’t dictate when but I always have all the stuff I need n(clothes, shoes, small makeup kit, brush, deoderant) so I can just GO! I also have some go-to-routines for certain periods of time (like HIIT on the treadmill) so if I only have 25 minutes I know exactly what to do.
Anon
I do something similar-ish. My building has a gym but I can’t be away from work for more than about 35 minutes or so, which makes it impossible to get in a good workout and have time to shower/restyle so I focus on low sweat activities. I go most days and typically alternate between just walking on a treadmill or biking slowly for half an hour or use an online yoga/pilates service (I use Pilatesology and just pick a video to do, but you could easily use YouTube as well). At first I was disappointed in how low intensity I had to go, but just getting the blood moving feels so good and makes me so much more productive when I get back to my floor. And since I can do it consistently, I actually feel like my overall fitness has improved noticeably.
Anonymous
Anyone have any good diet resolutions? I’m feeling a strong need to take a decisive action for January. Gained a bunch of weight last year, haven’t eaten anything healthy in months. I’m kind of drawn to Whole30 but at the end of the day I can’t commit because I think it is a bunch of hooey and I’m not interested in a diet so extreme that I’m explaining it to people constantly.
Vicky Austin
Mine is just to eat my 5 servings of fruit and veggies every day – small, manageable and stick-to-it-able! (Hopefully.)
Rainbow Hair
Yup! I have an even simpler goal of “eat a big ol’ pile of vegetables for one meal a day.” Usually that means a salad for lunch, but if I didn’t eat a salad for lunch, I try to do some kind of pile of vegetables for dinner, because I love to put that X on my habit tracker. (But also, if I do it *most* days, I give myself zero flack for not doing it some days, because life is for living.)
I don’t love the idea of saying “no this” and “no that” (I can skew disordered pretty quickly) but saying “yes to one big @ss pile of veggies” means, effectively, that at least one meal I eat every day is not something less healthy than veggies.
Anonymous
I’m cycling back onto keto, but obviously it’s a pretty restrictive diet so I’m not sure if that’s what you’re looking for. The bonus is that it’s pretty simple – you just can’t eat carbs. No fried foods, chips, dessert, bread, fruit, hummus, beer, fruity drinks – basically all of my guilty pleasures or things that I’m likely to overeat. I personally find it easier to stick with than other diets because I actually look forward to the food, I’m never hungry, I don’t binge out of starvation/desperation, and I see results FAST (not necessarily on the scale, but cutting the bloat is incredible). Otoh it’s hard to eat out and basically impossible to stick to it if you’re somewhere that you don’t control your food (so I’m off keto during conference season).
cat socks
I’m sort of trying a version of intermittent fasting. Basically not eating anything until after 11 AM. Also, drinking more water. I’m going to try bringing snacks from home so I’m not tempted to hit the vending machine at work. Counting calories and tracking points just doesn’t work for me, so I’m just trying to make healthy choices each day. Also, I’m trying to get and work out more often. I mentioned in another comment using a habit tracking app to track some of these changes I want to make.
Senior Attorney
No eating between meals.
No white carbs.
No alcohol.
Don’t clean my plate.
Abby
Maybe too extreme for you, but whenever I need to jump back in to dieting, I force myself to track all my calories on my fitness pal. It makes me very aware of what I’m putting in my body, and as a result I start being more mindful of what I’m eating. Once you have a good idea of how many cals you’re intaking a day, you can try and set a goal for yourself to lose weight if you want. I’ve learned a lot about macros and nutrients this way, and as a result I almost always eat more whole foods because the calorie amt is more generous for the amount of food you get/how full you feel.
Anonymous
+1. This is what I do too.
Anonymous
Instead of thinking about taking something away, I think about something I can add. So instead of cutting out carbs, I make a commitment to add a serving of vegetables to lunch and dinner. Or adding a glass of water before eating a meal. The extra veggies or water or whatever help fill me up so the result is I usually end up eating fewer carbs anyway, but without feeling like I’m depriving myself.
Anonymous
I really like this! Thank you!
Anon
Last year mine was to cut out all boxed/jarred food with more than 4 ingredients. I think it really helped. Now instead of a deli sandwich I’ll open a can of sardines with a piece of bread from Essential Baking, plus sliced cucumbers or tomatoes. Or bring slices of Costco’s no preservatives turkey breast on bread with mustard. Just as filling, cheaper, I feel much better. It took a small adjustment period when I realized how much different stuff was in my usual go-tos of granola, cereal, bread etc. I had to find simpler versions of these, including buying granola from a local bakery only, but I still eat them all. I also received a wonderful gift of 18 different spice mixes that allow me to season the same food differently to keep things interesting. Nothing radical but completely doable.
RP Strength
I use RP Strength templates for training a competitive sport. The templates start at a base and guide you with ideas of what you can eat, though they give you macros, so you can really fit in whatever you want, and then you move on (depending on amt. of weight loss or body mass gained) to Fat Loss 1, 2, and 3. At the end you move to a Maintenance 1 and Maintenance 2 and then finally to a new “base.” It reintroduces you to “cheat meals” and different things like that. I can’t recommend them enough. They’re developed my registered dietitians and are widely used in the Crossfit/weightlifting world, as well as other sports.
They also have a “healthy eating” template if the fat loss or mass gain templates are not your thing. The focus is not really weight loss, as much as fueling your workouts and life, learning new habits of feeding yourself, and my favorite, body composition. You should check out their Instagram. I am obsessed with all the transformations, most of which are very small in pounds, but huge in definition and how people feel.
Abby
+! I’m currently doing this! So happy to find someone who does RP on this website. Everyone in my life thinks I’m crazy for doing this, but the results speak for themselves. It’s a bit extreme and can be overwhelming, but once you get started it kind of simplifies your diet.
Yay!
What a small world! It’s so overwhelming at first, but it’s actually sustainable loss and the body comp. changes are super awesome. I hope yours is going well!!!
Abby
~5 weeks in and down 5-6 lbs, which I keep reminding myself is amazing considering how much food I’m eating. Lifts are all basically going up (doing FTP) and just patiently checking the mirror for abs lol.
Anonymous
I’m not too far off the bandwagon, but I want to specifically recommit to drinking shakes for breakfast (first, by buying a functioning blender since my Nutribullet is on its last legs). I eased off drinking them for winter because I was cold, but all substitute food seems to make me bloated and miserable. I usually put spinach, mixed frozen berries, a scoop of Vega protein powder (either whatever is on sale at Costco if it’s the mixed greens one, or Vega Sport off Amazon), and coconut milk + coconut oil.
Crafty
I’d like to get back into doing craft projects as a hobby. Do any crafty people here have any blogs or Instagram accounts they go to for inspiration?
Anon
I like embroidery and cross stitch and was following various accounts on Instagram for “inspiration” but in reality, they just made me feel bad because I wasn’t doing it as often as I wanted to, so I unfollowed them all.
Anonymous
One of my favorite Instagram accounts is bcrladinaj (her blog is Blue Collar Red Lipstick but I don’t think she blogs much anymore). She mostly posts great workwear outfits and thrift store finds, but she also occasionally posts some fun crafty things.
Anon
I work in an east coast city and have to give my first presentation at a west coast company in March in San Francisco. I am normally presenting to managers/directors – I usually wear a jewel tone or subtle pattern dress under a blazer and low heels for presentations like this. I’m concerned that outfit will look out of touch at a tech company in SF (in particular the shoes are worrying me – I’ve never heard of anyone wearing heels to work in SF). Any thoughts on what outfit would be appropriate?
Scarlett
It sounds fine to me. I work in SF and still wear heels sometimes. It’s really an anything goes place more than it’s aggressively casual. Big presentation, wear what you feel good in. It sounds like you know you can be more casual/comfortable so if you’d still feel good presenting that way, no one will judge you either. I would take more comfortable shoes for the rest of your trip though.
Anonymous
Second this. Anything goes.
If you would feel more comfortable dressing more casually, you could do one or more of the following: skip nylons or wear tights, wear flats instead of heels (e.g., Tieks or Rothys), switch out the blazer for a cardigan or a less formal blazer (e.g., one made out of jersey or sweatshirt material), change out traditional jewelry for more trendy pieces.
Anonymous
You would be fine as long as the dress/blazer (or jewelry) have some elements that are more interesting. Potential judging criteria: if you might see it in talbots/lands end/j crew catalogues, you may want to adjust.
Kiki
I work in SF and it sounds totally fine.
New year, new job
I started a new position at the end of last year. The new role stress/impostor syndrome and a few other traumatic events in my personal life sent me into a major relapse of some lousy old anxiety/PPD issues. I was not on my A-game for the first several months of this role. Probably B- game, overall. I don’t fault myself for this– mental illness is real illness and I did all the right things (restarted therapy, meds, other means of self-parenting, doubling down on sleep, quitting everything distracting to focus only on those).
After the holidays, I’ve finally had enough rest and enough time for said mental healthcare blitz to work a bit. I am feeling like myself again. Now I’m bitterly regretful that I have not made the best impression on my new boss. I can tell.
What, save being ABSOLUTELY ON MY A GAME as much as humanly possible, would you do in this situation to try to turn things around? I don’t feel great about openly sharing what was going on with me, but I also am now in a position to try to refresh/save/revise my first impression. (Honestly I’m proud of my first impression given what was going on behind the scenes of it, I did a darn good job of keeping my head above water in a storm.) Also not trying to overdo this to the point that I backslide on my good, steady progress.
Anonymous
I like what Michele Obama said on impostor syndrome. She said that she’s been in the highest of high level meetings from her law career all the way to the white house and the bottom line is that people are just not all that smart. She realized she did belong.
Anon
Honestly, that irked me. Refusing to acknowledge other people’s talent and expertise doesn’t make her a better thinker.
Anon
Sounds like you’re kind of willfully misinterpreting her.
Anon
I’m not impressed with her because she’s not impressed with others.
Anon
Sounds like you need to give your team a sense of security back. So be very diligent about reporting (both up and down) on the statuses of all your deliverables and projects (and obviously complete them on time) so that people can see that you’re on top of it and have thought through the details. Don’t overcommunicate but a summary email weekly or even biweekly to all stakeholders will do wonders to re-establish your credibility.
Anon
While it may be uncomfortable, I’d consider telling your boss what was going on. You don’t have to treat it like therapy and get overly detailed, but a version of “fear got off to a bad start, things in my personal life snowballed at the same time I started here, under control now, ready to go” would probably be the most effective. I like a candid relationship with my reports and I’d respond really well to that.
Anonymous
I’d not put so much pressure on yourself! Mental illness is generally chronic – if you’d had cancer and were still recovering, would you be putting so much pressure on bringing your absolute A game? I’m a manager – I’d rather someone bring a steady A- or B+ all the time than cycle through A+ to B- time and again.
Anonymous
Does anyone else just not have a New Years resolution? Everyone seems to engage in this constant struggle toward self improvement and I think… I’m good. Idk if that’s called apathy or happiness. Or both? I’m turning 35 this year and over the past year I’ve noticed that I have fewer f*cks to give about pretty much anything. I’m fat and single and I could be better about my budget and finances. But mostly I think I’m just fine. I do my best. I’m not beating myself up about some self improvement goal.
In fact I kind of think that these “goals” are unhealthy… like what you’re really telling yourself is that you’re not good enough as is – I have to lose weight = I’m too fat, I have to do more self care = I’m not valuing myself enough. So you set these goals that you’re probably not going to reach and then you feel guilty about giving up in February. It’s like bingeing and purging on self help. I feel like I’ve been on that roller coaster and I just want to opt out. But I also know this isn’t a very popular opinion so I’m keeping it to myself (except for you guys).
Anon Lawyer
I feel you– I’m in basically your same life position and while it’s not like I never try to change anything about my life, I try to do it in a more positive way. I don’t always succeed but for me, NY resolutions are about beating yourself with a stick and I’m not interested in that.
Winnie
I never got into the habit. I prefer that if I feel if my habits need tweaking or fixing (less alcohol, more greens) or there’s something I want to do (be more organized) I make steps to do it pretty much straight away or set a date in the near future. I think it’s great to have goals/plan for the year ahead but for me, resolutions, it does seem, as anon 1:37 says, are somewhat about beating yourself with a stick.
Anon
BBC says you are spot on.
http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20181218-whats-the-quickest-way-to-happiness-do-nothing
I don’t participate in NY resolutions but I do set goals for myself. Most recently it was to make division of labor in my household more equitable so I could enjoy more time with my kid while she’s little and so adorable. But there is like immediate real impact from this effort and the memories will last me and my kid a lifetime, and I don’t see how I can come out disappointed in the end. Maybe it’s a pick your battles situation.
Anon
Yeah I’m the same. I’m at a healthy-ish weight (from a medical standpoint, I definitely don’t look super thin) but I eat junk and never exercise. Women in my family live to be 95+ and most of them die with advanced dementia, so if my bad habits catch up with me and I die in my 70s or 80s with a clear mind, I’m ok with it. I think the quality of life declines pretty abruptly past about 75 for most people anyway. I save money, but not as much as I could and definitely not as much as people here would think I should if I shared my income and essential expenses. I want to travel and enjoy my life, not die with millions in the bank. I pay my bills and don’t go into credit card or anything, but I don’t stick to a firm budget and have no interest in cutting out things I enjoy to save more money.
Anonymous
Same here. I just read that the word “resolution” implies you have something to resolve/fix. I’m OK with my messy, ugly, imperfect life the way it is.
aBr
Hubby and I always set activity resolutions – see every major sports team in the city, do something new each month, or plan one proper date night each month. Way more fun than “no more carbs” or lose ten pounds.
Anon
Same. Husband and I make a list of 12 activities we want to do over the course of the year (the idea being that we do one per month) and hang it on the fridge. On those weekends when we both look at eachother and ask, “what do you want to do?” we consult the list and check them off. It makes for a fun way to spend time with eachother doing new activities/traveling to new places, rather than staying in our comfort zone.
Unicorn?
I used to make SO MANY resolutions in an attempt to overhaul my entire life each new year. Then I made a resolution not to make any more resolutions, and I’ve kept it. :)
Anon
I’m in my mid/late 30s and find resolutions to be more important as time passes. It’s about where I want to be at this time next year, not what I am doing “because.”
There were years where I was killing it, and those years helped a lot when the really awful ones rolled around. It might be the healthy eating habits, the goal of expanding my side hustle, or the running, but when the (expletive) hit the fan in a way that never happened before, the successes and discipline carried me through.
cbackson
Tim Ferris recently said that he does yearly reviews instead of New Year’s resolutions. I’ve never been interested in resolutions, but that concept really appeals to me and I did it this year and found it helpful.
Rainbow Hair
Huh. I like resolutions because I like saying I’ll do something and then doing it. But I try not to make them like, “I am bad and need to get better” types. Like one year my resolution was to try a particular new beauty look with a friend. Last year I resolved to go on more dates with my husband and to try to say “yes” more. This coming year some of my resolutions are to spend more time around fire pits, to host more parties, read more books, and to wear more earrings. I like myself, mostly love my life, but there’s still more awesome stuff out there I can access.
Financial Planner
We are hiring a fee-based financial planner. What are things to ask when considering different folks? Anything to look out for? Is there a reason to hire a sole practitioner over, say, a slightly larger office of 5-10 professionals? I know to look for the CFP designation. Unfortunately, personal referrals are not possible.
As background, we are each 33 with one $300k HHI and climbing (fingers crossed the trend continues). I’m in financial services and am savvy enough on the personal finance stuff, but I just don’t have the time any more to do this myself or do the homework truly needed to optimize investments/money management on my own. I’m near the 93/95 interchange north of Boston in case any one has a recommendation. Needs to be someone in the burbs vs. downtown. Thanks!
Anon
I think it would be easier to figure out what you need if you look at what you have to invest and what your goals are. 330k HHI is great, but doesn’t automatically put you in the “needs” a financial planner space. I’d start by figuring out your personal goals and then figure out what help you need to get there.
OP
Thanks. We’ve done that and made the determination that we do in fact need one. We have a lot of cash that’s not being put to work. My financial industry full time job is a blessing, but also a curse – I’m having analysis paralysis when it comes to decisions/investing and need to outsource. Maybe it’s a matter of just talking to the folks about our specific needs- retirement savings guidance, college savings, non-retirement investing, etc?
Anonymous
I was you a few years ago- except living at the 90/95 interchange.
Our HHI has ranged from 280-450 over the past 5 years, and we planned on $300k (right now we are 240/90 but I make the 90 working part time on a 1099 basis…so take home is a bit lower than if it were W2). We have 3 kids.
We ID’d our long term goals: 1. be able to pay for all 3 kids to attend state college out of savings, fund anything over that out of cash flow and make them take loans for the rest. 2. Pay off all student loans (we didn’t have many left at this point but they were there) 3. Be financially able to retire at 56/57 when our youngest is out of college with our house paid off. 4. Be able to survive for the foreseeable future if only one of us worked 5a/5b: do a home reno and build up savings for funnbut not super spendy family vacations (weeks at the cape, ski weekends in NH etc).
We ended up just doing some research online. We had one session with a fee based planner and felt like we were hearing someone read the advice you get from places like Boggleheads. And we’ve been socking away money into our refirement funds forever so while we were liquid cash poor we were well ahead of the game on the retirement front.
ohloe
Hi all! I’m seeing some convos about working out & healthy eating etc and just wanted to toss some ideas which have worked for me out there…
For working out: dailyburn offers a pretty killer workout (you can stream from you TV with amazon fire stick) or just play on your laptop. When I was actually working out it seemed to be the only thing I could squeeze into my crazy days. There is a new workout everyday at 9am. If you are up and out earlier than that; you can just do todays workout tomorrow etc. https://dailyburn.com Might be worth checking out for some! I’ve used a portion of my bonus this year towards a 50hr (4 weekend) intensive yoga program (Jan-April). I am fairly new to yoga (no consistent practice) and found myself wanting to spend more time learning poses, understanding the breathing than that which can be covered in a 45min group class. I’m excited because I too have struggled with cramming in some semblance of a ‘life’ after work (e.g. 2hrs of free time as mentioned).
Also – I love meal kits for helping me eliminate any thinking/planning regarding dinner. I try to follow a whole food plant based diet as much as I can (am also gluten free). I really love SunBasket and Purple Carrot. I am also considering adding in a subscription to DailyHarvest as well (to make smoothies EVEN easier in the morning).
xo