Thursday’s Workwear Report: Flutter-Sleeve Peplum Tee

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1. Room and Board seems to be regarded here as a “good” furniture store. What else is on par with it? There is a Comfortable Couch Company (which has also been praised on here) store in my city but the nearest Room and Board is 4 hours away :(

   1. Edited to add: I am all about a CoCoCo couch if they are that good, but have a living room and a bedroom that I need furniture for (e.g., bedroom has just a bed and dressers — needs some sort of rug and seating). In a new space, layout is weird with traffic patterns, I just don’t feel like it’s up to my skills and I’d like some real furniture, not just a cheap make-do (we have some of that in the living room, but it’s probably nearing the end of its useful life and that is OK) and I just am not willing to lose weekends to scour thrift stores and sales and Craigslist during corona-times.

      1. Gently, I think you’re asking too much of the furniture. You can buy high quality furniture, but that won’t address your layout woes, or ensure it looks stylish or to your taste. People here are always recommending interior designers or virtual interior design services for these reasons. I love doing this stuff so unfortunately I can’t recommend a service.

         But I will recommend will rug, generally bigger than you’d think you need. Perpendicular to the bed if it goes under it. Also, if all you need is seating for your bedroom, I’d get something beautiful and interesting on chairsh or first dibs rather than room and board.

      2. Vermont Woods Studios is nice for non-upholstered pieces. The other day someone on this board mentioned a good experience working with The Keeping Room remotely to order Taylor King seating. In general, when it comes to a couch you want a kiln-dried hardwood frame.

   2. Where are you located? Some stores will offer design services as well. Solving a flow issue sounds like something most stores could assis with regardless (versus someone wanting intensive top to bottom direction and aid curating accessories, etc.)

   3. I think Room & Board is similar to Crate & Barrel. I’ve owned furniture from both places.

      1. I think R&B is a step above C&B, at least for the stuff we have from both. Or maybe, R&B is just more consistent in terms of quality.
         R&B offers virtual design services – someone just posted about a positive experience here.

         1. +1

         2. I think R&B’s wood furniture is nicer. The sofas I have are about the same in terms of construction. FWIW I think all of the big stores have free virtual designers these days – C&B has it along with other big stores like Ethan Allen, West Elm, Pottery Barn, etc.

            1. I bought a house that was sold mostly furnished with Pottery Barn and Restoration Hardware. The look is lovely and I’m keeping it all, but what’s the quality? I never bought furniture from there.

         3. They all look pretty much the same. Is one more comfortable than another? All of it looks like the sort of thing that goes in houses staged for sale, but I don’t know anyone who has this commitment to all neutral all the time in their actual life. But that could just be me.

            1. The actual construction is better, using higher quality methods, joinery, and techniques, at R+B. Crate and Barrel is great for a lot of things, but I would go with R+B most of the time if I could afford it. Not possible every time, and I already have a lot of CB/CB2/WE furninture. I have a West Elm bed, and it’s wonderful; the same at R+B would have been prohibitively expensive for me. But my couch is R+B.

               But I am one of those people with a commitment to neutral in my big investment pieces of furniture…art, plants, and textiles are where the fun non-neutrals come in for me.

            2. This may be somewhat regional, but the way the R&B stores look in person is a LOT better than the online or catalog version. I totally agree that the webs*te just looks like a photoshopped house/apartment for sale. I honestly never got the appeal of this place until I went in person.

            3. I’ve only ever really compared the sofa construction but it was all the same (benchmade kiln-dried hardwood frames, similar suspension, similar cushion fill).

   4. American Leather makes the Room and Board leather pieces, and has a more traditional mix of styles it sells under it’s own brand. Their sofa sleepers are great.

      1. I didn’t know that! AL couches are amazing!!! Like the pull out sleeper beds are actually comfortable.

      2. Their recliners are amazing, and don’t look so much like recliners! I’ve had one in my R+B cart for months, but the price and wait are holding me back.

         1. Everything furniture related that is made in the US is in a slow queue due to Covid restrictions. Hopefully everyone will be able to ramp up this summer!

2. Book recs if anyone needs them, The Women’s Prize longlist was just announced. Some US authors which have gotten a lot of buzz already (Vanishing Half, Transcendent Kingdom) but also potentially some new authors. Exciting Times and Burnt Sugar were both very good, as is Ali Smith’s Summer (but you should really start with Autumn).

   1. I just finished “No One Is Talking About This” and highly recommend if you’re someone who’s on the internet more than you know is healthy :)

   2. Thanks for the heads-up on the list. Have to disagree on Exciting Times though, the main character was so passive it drove me crazy. She was definitely letting her life live her instead of living it actively.

      1. I enjoyed it a lot. Not every female protagonist has to be a plucky Jo March type!

      2. LOVE your description of that character trait. Definitely one of my pet peeves when it comes to protagonists.

   3. Thanks for alerting us to this list! I hadn’t known about those awards.

3. Have you ever had a root canal done in three steps: 1) remove nerve, cover with filling material, 2) temporary crown, 3) permanent crown? I have always had root canals in two steps: 1) remove nerve, cover with temporary crown, 2) permanent crown. I was too out of it to ask while in the chair yesterday and I will call the dentist today. I just always feel a little powerless at the dentist and wonder if I am being milked.

   1. It’s been a while, so I don’t recall all that clearly, but the one root canal I had was done in three appointments. I had a noticeable abscess (but no pain), so they drained the abscess and did some drilling (nerve removal?) but then had me come back a couple weeks later for the rest of the nerve removal because they wanted the infection to go away or swelling to go down or something like that?

   2. I have had two crowns, both were done in one appointment each. I had no infections or nerve issues, just teeth that had big old fillings that were breaking down and there wasn’t enough tooth left to spackle it together anymore.

      Basically, my dentist ground down the tooth, then she digitally imaged it, then fed the imaging data to a machine that carved the tooth out of a cube of fake tooth material using high power water jets (she let me watch, it was so cool). Then she glued the new crown to what was left of my tooth.

      The appointment did last probably at least 2 hours, but I’ve had absolutely no trouble with either crown. No pain, no trouble eating. I’ve only had them for 2 and 3 years, but they haven’t come off or broken yet!

      1. I think it is uncommon for this to be done in-office. Most dentists send the images out for creation of the permanent crown. Your dentist must do a lot of crown work.

         1. Maybe, or she’s just very up to date and comfortable with new technology.

            I love my dentist – I asked once about tooth whitening, and she told me that the technology available at the time would not work well on the type of discoloring I have. I’ve never felt that she has tried to sell me on things I don’t need. Having a dentist that you can trust is such a great thing.

   3. I’ve had two crowns (and two more to go) and they were both done in two appointments: grind plus temp crown and then permanent crown. I would just ask why they can’t put the temp crown on at the same time they do the nerve removal – maybe it’s a time or sensitivity issue?
      I definitely commiserate with feeling helpless at the dentist.

   4. My mom had what you describe with first a temp crown and then a permanent one later.

   5. years and years and years ago when I was in the military and the brand new navy dentist did my root canal and it took so long I came out from under the local and jumped when they hit a nerve and got screamed at for moving this was what they did. The only root canal I’ve ever had (and still stand by wasn’t needed based on civilian xrays 6 months earlier, but hard to argue that in boot camp). It’s possible it took them longer than planned for step one and they ran out of time.

      I can tell you from that if they wait to long on the temp crown, the filling will leak and you will have to have it all drilled out again and start anew, so don’t let them wait on step 2. Push them on getting back in ASAP for that step.

      Can you tell I still get mad about this almost 20 years later?

   6. That’s how mine was done – the endodontist did the root canal and covered with the filling material, then my dentist did the temporary and then permanent crown in two appointments. My dentist had to send the image out to have the crown made as another poster mentions – so I think the difference between 2 steps and 3 is whether your dentist can make crowns inhouse.

      1. This is my experience. I have had three like this, three separate steps.

   7. Most recently I had one done in four steps (first three were done by an endodontist, last by my normal dentist) due to infection. It went: 1) remove nerve, leave open and take antibiotics for a week while cleaning hole, 2) insert medication + temporary filling to allow more time for bone to repair, 3) more medication + permanent filling at the root and temporary filling at the crown, 4) go to normal dentist for crown repair.

      The temporary filling material is likely because there was minor bone or ligament damage at the root that they want to allow time to repair before doing a permanent fix. Will increase your chances of a successful root canal and avoid implant.

   8. Sorry for getting to this so late in the day, but this is how I had one done exactly a year ago. I had the filling for 3ish months before dentists were allowed to reopen in my state. The dentist was in contact to let me know that the filling would hold fine. I had no issues and the follow up appointments went well once I could go back in.

4. To everyone lamenting their workplace communication breakdowns over the past year: this morning I dealt with a frustrated woman in marketing, who could not get a response from a project engineer whose buy-in was required for her materials to be approved. I had the fun task of telling her that he’s been dead for five months.

   (Also, WTF, infosec, why is his profile still active?)

   1. Holy smokes. This remind me of the student who learned her online professor had been dead for several years.

      1. I literally took an online grad school course this semester which had one professor named on the syllabus. A few days in, the dean dropped into our class announcement board to tell us that the professor in question was “ill” (no further details were given) and introduced us to a different one. All the prerecorded lectures still had the ill professor giving them, but if we had questions we were to email the new guy. (This absolutely baffled my late-boomer parents, lol.)

         1. This was one of the key points of contention for our last strike action. The university wanted to record all lectures, and keep them for future use, perhaps using it to deliver lectures during future strike action.

            1. I never thought about that!! What ended up happening?

            2. They now delete the materials at the end of term (and you can save them personally).

5. I’m struggling with stress management and generally how much I feel is resting on my shoulders and I’ve decided that I should talk to a therapist. Any recommendations for a CBT therapist in DC that does virtual sessions? I’m actually only a part time resident of DC, so the virtual part will be key here.

   Thanks al!

   1. My friend works at Capital Institute for Cognitive Therapy and they specialize in CBT, and do (maybe exclusively?) virtual sessions.

   2. Womens Center inVienna

6. My spouse will be starting a one year academic program this June. We just got confirmation from his school that he’ll be remote learning June-Aug. We’ve been WFH together for a year, so that is no big adjustment! But, he will be in person learning about a 6 hour drive away for fall & spring semesters (Sept-May). We’re planning for him to live separately for those months, returning on breaks.

   I’d love advice from those of you who have temporarily lived separately from your spouses. I know in the scheme of things this is a really short duration, but we’ve probably not been apart even a week since we got married four years ago! What helped make the time fly by, especially if you weren’t the one taking on a big professional/academic challenge?

   Also, any tips for managing the logistics and finances of setting up a temporary household somewhere else? We’ve been furiously saving money and currently the plan is that he’ll only need to take out loans for tuition (not living $). On our to do list: determine if he needs a car based on how far he’ll be from campus & buy second car if needed, find and sign lease on apartment, buy all the household things he’ll need to take with him (pots and pans and cleaning supplies and linens and a bed, etc.), etc. etc. I’m sure there are a lot of considerations I’m missing though!!

   1. I wonder if a roommate might be a better option? Less to furnish that way, and maybe he can find a pal from his programme? It is a bit awkward to live with roommates as an adult but I always found this easier when on fieldwork etc.

      1. Yes, check with the school as to whether there is some kind of housing match message board available. You might find a local who regularly rents a furnished place to students or a fellow student to room with.

      2. I was also going to suggest a roommate situation, if possible. That could both save some rent money and prevent your spouse from needing to buy a whole bunch of supplies for the apartment. Two semesters is a long time though so that’s up to you two. For you, my advice would be to lean into the single life: go to work early and stay late (if that’s your jam), get dinner out with friends and take up a new hobby. Maybe get a pet? And schedule time to see each other regularly. That may seem obvious, but when DH moved several states over for his 2L internship, I thought we could go six weeks without seeing each other, ha! It turned out that two weeks was the longest we wanted to be apart. Fortunately there were cheap flights for both of us. Oh and maybe plan to spend some time exploring his new location: we enjoyed getting to know a new place while he worked there. Good luck! It will be fine.

   2. The best advice I got about this was, when you’re a student, live like a student. If it can be bought at Goodwill (pots pans etc) that’s where you get it. If it can be taken from home (spare kitchen tools, a set of sheets, towels) that’s what you do. Do not try to replicate your Working Person lifestyle. Look into campus housing if at all possible- not having to buy furniture is a big savings as is not signing a year long lease when you only need 9 months.

      1. +1 to the campus or near-campus housing. In grad school, I lived in a dorm-style private apartment building. It was brand new and actually very nice. They rented by the room, with apartments with less roommates going for more $. They came fully furnished (living room, bedroom, kitchen table & chairs), but you did have to bring kitchen stuff and things like sheets and towels. Coming from NY, it was extremely reasonably priced. I had a queen size room w a private en-suite bathroom in a 4-bed/4-bath apartment for something like $700/month. It was walking distance from classes, but I had a car. If your husband is going anywhere that’s not a major city, I would strongly suggest that they need a car. It’s a real pain not to have one.

   3. This is not exactly what you asked, but I would be thinking about whether a 6 hour drive is doable or whether you should plan to fly sometimes, esp. if you are visiting him on what I assume will be a busier work schedule. Driving makes sense for school breaks, but a quick weekend visit might be nice here and there. I did 5 hours for a year but it was doable only because we were kids and I had a very 9-5 job. Zoom would have really made the distance easier, too.

      1. Also, I would consider taking up a new hobby/challenge to help pass the time and to feel like I have something to talk with my spouse about. This could just be some kind of crafting or a physical challenge or sport or whatever, depending on your preferences. All these pandemic hacks should help, too – watching movies in tandem and Zoom happy hours and such. But also expect to have each of you need to socialize separately and get comfortable with that beforehand, especially since you will be coming off a period of being starved of a lot of social contacts already.

   4. Are there any options for furnished student housing or other furnished housing? You might want to run the numbers to see if that’s worth it, but it’s preferable to not buy a lot of extra stuff. My husband and I lived 2500 miles apart for six months when he moved to start a new job and I had to stay to wrap up mine and deal with selling the house. He just took enough stuff to live simply (one pod with a bed, his clothes and personal items, some kitchen stuff, etc.), but the situation was a little different since everything had to be moved eventually, we just did it in two steps. We were both so busy, him with the new job and me finishing mine and prepping for the move, that it went by really quickly. In your case, he’ll probably be really busy with new things, so you’ll want to make sure you have something special to do on your own so you don’t feel left behind and ignored.

   5. I lived apart from my family for a few months at the beginning of 2020 (a silver lining of COVID for us – it was supposed to be 7 months and ended up being 2.5). Apartment wise, it may be easier to rent a furnished apartment on a short term lease than try to find an unfurnished for less than a year and get everything you need. Think about what you will do with all the furniture, etc. you buy in May when he gets rid of the apartment. Personally, I would start now looking for utensils, cookware, linens, etc. at a thrift store to save some $$. Check with the university – I got a pretty reasonable one bedroom in grad students housing (I am a postdoc) that was furnished and included utilities.

      As far as surviving the separation, we committed to seeing each other every 6 weeks (though that was largely because of my daughter) and we had dinner over a FB Portal every night. We were separated another 2 months in late summer after we moved here, and the dinner really helps us feel connected. When my husband was at sea doing research in the past, we had scheduled times for email when we couldn’t talk, and used WhatsApp when he had wireless. This may be too cute for you and your husband, but I had a pair of Bond Touch bracelets with my daughter while we were apart – you tap yours and it sends a vibration to the other. It was a nice “thinking of you” during the day.

      1. +1 for renting a furnished apartment. If he’s lucky, he might even be able to rent the home of a professor who is on sabbatical.

         I would have him live alone if possible so you can visit him some weekends. If you are working and he’s in school, you will have more free time to spend driving. As someone who did the long-distance thing as a newlywed, I would advise you not to limit visits to school breaks. I would try to see each other every other weekend except during finals.

         1. Agree. My former husband used to do long-term work projects all over the country and lived in corporate housing. You might find the cost is close to buying a bunch of stuff and it would be so much easier.

   6. No advice regarding all the duplicate home logistics other than what people have already said, but as someone whose spouse regularly goes away for about a month, the first couple of nights alone are the hardest and then you get into a new routine and it gets easier.
      It can be especially isolating now so make sure you lean on friends and family for communication and socialization.

      1. This.

         Not me, but my parents have done the one spouse is working far away for extended amounts of time thing 3-4 times in their 30+ years of marriage. They’re still married. But looking back, when my dad went to work in Asia for a year in the 1990s and my mom was here on the US East Coast, it was HARD for her as a professional nurse with two young kids. My grandma came to stay with us for a few months to help my mom out because my mom was definitely fraying at the edges. First-grade me couldn’t understand why mom was so annoyed and moody all the time, but as an adult now, I see it pretty clearly. Then in my twenties when my dad did another 2-year assignment in China, my mom decamped to her sisters’ houses to have company since my sister and I were in college or had moved out. So definitely, lean HARD on family and friends for emotional support as well as any logistics help you might need.

   7. I’m single (as are most of my friends), but every single one of my cousins lived in a different city as their fiancé/spouse for a bit due to school/career stuff. No advice, but it’s probably more common than it feels!

   8. Definitely live like a student – get a futon for sleeping and sitting. Get one pan and one pot or better yet, bring them from home. Buy ramen. See if you can get a short-term promotional deal on good WiFi (we do this all the time and pay less than $20 a month for high-speed internet in a VHCOL).

   9. My husband’s an academic and we were long distance for our first two years of marriage while he did a postdoc – as in, we came home from our honeymoon and the next day he flew to his new city. The biggest things that helped (besides the obvious, like frequent visits) were 1) Always having the next visit scheduled before the end of the current visit, 2) talking on Skype while doing random stuff around the house – not every chat has to be a focused conversation, sometimes it’s nice just to have the person in the background the way they would be if you lived together and 3) maintaining your own hobbies and friends so you’re not always sitting by the phone waiting for the person to call – I don’t think you need to get a new hobby necessarily, but make sure you don’t start turning down invitations because you don’t want to miss a call from DH. I saw a couple LDRs implode because one person gave up their whole life to sit by the phone and wait for phone calls and were annoyed when their partner was out living life and having fun.

      Good luck! One academic year is really not that long and is very doable. It made our marriage stronger, we’ve been married over a decade now.

   10. Consider furnished apartment or grad student housing – it’s more expensive but especially since he will only have to be there part of the year, you save the hassle of trying to sign a 1-year lease and then find a summer sub letter (plus save on buying and moving furniture).
       Don’t put pressure on yourself to make the limited time you do have together like the greatest and most special – that took awhile for me to learn.
       Can you plan to visit twice a month via 1 flight and then 1 drive? 6 hours is pretty far to drive and if you’re flying can work / study en route. Flights now are so cheap, might be good to buy a few.
       Can you work from there ever? Like go for 10 days overlapping a work week and you do your work remotely?

   11. I was in grad school for many years as an adult.

       Totally agree with simplifying on housing. Check with the school about grad student housing options, particularly since you don’t need a full year and many private landlords will prefer people renting for a full year. Also totally agree that he should look for dorm/University subsidized housing or shared living and ideally, not spend a penny on household items. Goodwill, borrow from friends, look on freecycle website, Craiglist/freecycle if you absolutely must buy any furniture. Because you have to bring this junk back home right, so why buy more stuff you only need for a few months? Really, you should not need to buy anything. Agree with looking for a furnished sublet in a shared house/apartment if you can’t find something University subsidized. That will be more fun for him too. Ideally, do not buy a car, and find out what other students do. Live as close as possible to school and ride your bike/walk/public transportation.

       And send him a few care packages of favorite snacks, if you have time!

   12. This is a little unresponsive but perhaps helpful. My husband and I are geographically remote 3-6 months per year. I have come to truly appreciate the reset that this gives our marriage. We each use it as a time with lots of exercise, healthy eating, socializing. For me, it lets me pour it on at work without conflicted feelings. Most importantly, we miss each other so much, and have time to recognize and appreciate all the tasks that the other one performs that have become invisible. There’s also a great reset s**ually—it keeps things fresh.

   13. FH and I live 4 hours apart. It’s not great but it’s doable. You said you WFH right now – maybe you can continue that a couple days a week? FH has to work at work but I can wfh, so I visit him and work from his place a couple times a month.

   14. For years I’ve had the idea in the back of my mind that I will go back to school and get a different masters degree. I don’t think I’m ever going to actually do it, but it’s there as a nagging thought, which means I dream about it from time to time.

       In my dreams, I’m going back to school and saying goodbye to my husband and kids and moving into the dorms. I always laugh about this dream because of course I would probably go part time, grad students don’t live in dorms, and I live walking distance from UC Berkeley, which is where I would go if I could.

       But it sounds like your husband is doing that! Moving into the dorms (or grad student housing). I guess my recurring dream will be more realistic now!

   15. Join the facebook buy nothing group for your current neighborhood and his new neighborhood. I’ve furnished at least half of my apartment with things I got from these groups (dining table/chairs, bedside table, coffee table, and end tables all completely free). If the apartment he’ll rent is currently occupied by a student, ask if he can buy things off of the current tenant (bought my couch and a bookshelf for a total of $45 off of the woman leaving my apartment). You should be able to get plates/flatware and cooking supplies from Buy Nothing, but if not look at the dollar store – I bought most of my kitchen supplies in college there. When he graduates, he can give it all away in buy nothing so you don’t have to move it home with you. I also recommend Walmart – bought my desk and chair there for wfh for $150 total.

       Can’t speak to a long distance relationship, but I recommend that you find yourself a big project or hobby to throw yourself in.

       I’d also recommend setting expectations early about how often you’ll see each other in person, how often you’ll call, etc. I’m in a demanding field where it feels like your life is not your own (I’ve been working 15 hour days, 6 days a week recently), and there are a LOT of disgruntled spouses right now. Those with spouses in a related field don’t have this problem, because both parties understand the demands of the job. Those who set expectations with their spouses from the get go have less of a problem, because everyone knew what to expect. Those who did not level set with spouses are having marital problems.

   16. Thank you all who replied so far! Good points to consider about living with roommate (cost savings) vs alone (assuming return to office goes as I expect, I would probably be able to stay in his location while working remotely sometimes). His school is in a suburb, so housing options are somewhat limited—unfortunately nothing through the University.

       Keep the other great suggestions coming, please!

       1. Just as an anecdote — I lived with a married guy when I was in grad school. We had a roommate floor plan, so separate bed and bath on opposite sides of the apartment. His wife came for short and longer periods and it was fine. Certainly this will depend on personalities, but I am very laid back and mostly stayed out of their way but made sure to have a friendship with her. Sometimes we shared meals on her visits. If she was around, I mostly studied and watched TV in my room so they could have the main living space, or I was out and about. It would have been completely fine for her to have stayed 10 days, working remotely. Of course if you just know you would be uncomfortable, this isn’t workable.

       2. Lots of good advice above. I will say, I live in a college town, and all of them are different. See if you/he can talk to some current students in his program to get some advice.
          In my current town, housing is pretty far from campus and the terrain would make it difficult to walk/bike. A car is pretty necessary. In the town where I went to undergrad, lots of housing was walking distance to campus and the bus system was pretty good. You wouldn’t need a car there, especially now with grocery delivery.
          Also, what does he want from his student experience? Is it just the credential/education? Is it friends/connections? I lived alone in college and grad school and felt less close to my peers than those who had roommates. If I had to do it again, I would get at least one roommate for the camaraderie plus savings. However, if he’s just interested in getting his work done, living solo would be the way to go.
          Finally, I would also consider his habits/comfort with the pandemic at that point (hard to know, I know). Will he want to study at home or is home just a place to sleep (will study at library/coffee shops)? Is he an introvert who needs privacy to recharge or would he feed off of people being around? I know saving money is important, but it is still a year of his life.

       3. As far as relationship stuff, we used to watch the same show or movie on TV while on the phone with each other (this was pre-Zoom and even pre-Skype). It’s nice low-key together time.

   17. Don’t buy new stuff he’ll need at home. By all means, bring the extra pot or the less used kitchen knife, and some paper towels and washing up liquid etc, but don’t go out and buy a lot of stuff.

       In stead, use Goodwill, marketplace and local shops to get the little things that needs buying. If you go out together and explore the new place (masks, caution etc taken for granted), the two coffee mugs you bought together – even if it’s at Walmart, will be a nice memory later and connected to this new period of life.

7. My younger sister, who lives about an hour away, is giving birth today. (Yay!) In normal times, I’d send flowers and drive down to go meet baby in the hospital. With COVID, that’s not happening and they may not even stay in the hospital overnight (not sure yet).

   I guess I’m slightly stumped about what to do here to recognize this good news. Should I send flowers to their house (and ask the delivery guy not to knock in case they are sleeping)? Send food? Offer to Grubhub them a meal? Something else?

   1. Flowers when they get home from the hospital. Food in a week or so, or a Grubhub credit/giftcard.

   2. everyone i know who gave birth in covid times still spent at least one night in the hospital. i’d wait and send flowers and/or food when they get home. based on my personal experience, it seems unlikely they would both be sleeping at the same time in the middle of the day when at home (unless it’s like nighttime when people sleep)

      1. +1, I gave birth in September and wanted to leave early, so my doc let me go after about 36 hours. But I still had to stay a full night so they could make sure I didn’t start bleeding heavily, etc.

   3. I’d wait until she actually gives birth then call the hospital gift shop and have them deliver a balloon. Once you know when she’s going home, I’d send flowers and a Zingerman’s snacking box (pretty sure they have one specifically for new parents), and I’d make my mom’s famous lasagna and garlic bread and salad, because it is my sister’s favorite, and drive it down, leave it on the doorstep, and meet baby through a window.

      1. This sounds perfect.

   4. Gift basket full of snacks for mom to eat easily while nursing/rocking baby. Hickory Farms has some options but not sure of delivery times. There may also be a local grocer who does this kind of thing (with option to add balloons or flowers). Our local shop will call to check when someone will be home and arrange deliveries around that.

   5. Food is the absolute best gift when someone has a baby IMO. If you want to go above and beyond, make a meal calendar and send to people. Food delivery gift card is also great. If your sister likes flowers, you can get those too.

      1. This, with the caveat that if she hasn’t gotten a chest freezer, the rush of food when the baby is born can be overwhelming (overwhelmed our friends). Shelf stable snacks might be even better til you suss out the situation?

         1. And for ideas for those: friends wanted FIBER without sugar, so fancy dried fruit was a big thing. On a non food tack, MomFrida (I think — the one that had the nursing commercial during the Golden Globes) recovery packs were super well received.

   6. Yay! Send flowers, food or both. Gush over the pictures she sends and ask how she’s feeling. Let her know you’ll get your vaccine as soon as you’re eligible and you’ll be up for new baby snuggles as soon as she’s comfortable.

   7. I have several friends who have had pandemic babies. The best/easiest gift is an online food gift card.

   8. Send something to her room from the hospital gift shop (flowers, balloons).

   9. I had a baby in October, and had a few friends send us flower & food deliveries via Whole Foods – a bunch of pretty flower plus assorted snack foods/ready-made-meals. It was awesome! Whole Foods never knocks – they just leave at the door, totally contactless.

   10. You can ask the moms page as well, but the advice given usually boils down to send food, ideally healthy food, and bonus points for stuff that can be easily eaten one handed. So – granola bars, a fruit or veggie platter, mini quiches, etc. Whole Foods catering can probably deliver those. A complete meal that can be reheated would also be great – so say a garden salad, chicken breasts, etc. A LOT of places are doing ‘family meal’ packages these days with the pandemic, I would have loved getting one of those.

   11. Food is good, especially frozen bake and eat meals. Flower delivery once they’re home is also nice.

       1. I would not do flowers. If someone had sent me flowers after my baby was born, I never would have seen them because I was trapped in the bedroom holding the baby 24/7.

          1. You know, you can hold a baby on a couch or put flowers in a bedroom

             1. There was nowhere to put flowers in my bedroom, and all the baby-feeding stuff was in there. I don’t think you can appreciate how difficult it is to care for a newborn until you’ve actually had one. Don’t give parents of newborns anything except food that requires zero effort to store and heat.

          2. Good grief. Some nice flowers on a dresser would be much welcomed by many.

          3. I loved all the flowers I got.

8. Tell me if this sounds like a dumb idea? I have a checking account with Fidelity (the brokerage/investment firm), which has been great for many years. I originally got it because it had a decent interest rate for a checking account, but now all my direct deposits/debits are in it and I don’t want to go through the pain of switching. Now I feel like these money sending apps are popping up as the only payment option for a bunch of things, and Fidelity doesn’t connect to Zelle. Would it be weird for me to open a second free checking account (like CapitalOne) and just throw small amounts in there to use with Zelle? Am I making my financial life too complicated?

   (Also, I had some weird/bad experiences with Venmo, so not interested in using that right now.)

   1. This is not weird or complicated at all. Maybe just direct a sum from your direct deposits into it with each check. Then you will know there is always something in it for those occasional Delle transactions.

   2. Doesn’t seem crazy to me. I think Zelle is the most reliable of the bunch, and you never lose FDIC protection because it only moves between two FDIC banks (without being in a third party’s hands).

      I’d look in to maybe a local credit union account instead of CapitalOne, though, because you can then access their car loans, local discounts, etc. All the ones I looked at have Zelle capability.

      1. Thanks for confirming that Zelle is most reliable! I tried Venmo for like a month and there were several instances where I was like “Wow, this is clearly still a startup and I don’t want them having my personal info.”

         1. I don’t know when you tried it, but this does make me chuckle as Venmo is owned by PayPal which has been around since 1998

            1. I do know that they are owned by Paypal, but doesn’t mean they’re fully integrated into Paypal as a company. Their support and processes were nowhere near what I’ve had with Paypal, and I tried Venmo recently.

         2. This did make me chuckle. I, of course, don’t know when you tried Venmo, but it’s owned by PayPal which has been around since 1998.

   3. My main checking account is online at Ally but I also have an account at a brick-and-mortar bank (Wells Fargo) so I have access to their services (like cashier’s checks and the like, and the rare deposit that is too big for online). You might want to consider that as well.

9. I know a few people in the past asked for recs on books about climate change, so just wanted to give a few I read recently and thought were quite good. I was pleasantly surprised by the new Bill Gates book, How to Avoid a Climate Disaster, which laid out the scope of the problem and needed solutions exceptionally clearly. I also really liked Elizabeth Kolbert’s Under a White Sky, which is about the ways humans alter their environments more generally, but tells a lot of interesting stories. And if you prefer fiction, Kim Stanley Robinson’s The Ministry for the Future gives a really fascinating look at what our future might look like, in an ultimately optimistic way.

   1. that novel sounds cool! I’ve put it on hold with the library.

   2. Literally no interest in Bill Gates propaganda. What are his credentials that make him an authority on “climate change”? Being super rich ain’t it.

      1. +1, I have no interest in reading anything written by him

      2. By now, he has the kind of experience that comes with a 20year career in nonprofit work, learning what kind of interventions actually, effectively improve people’s lives, and having access to the world’s experts in any scientific field, plus any government in the world. For a perspective combining what should be done with what/how it can be done, it seems realistic to me that he’d possess this kind of insight.

         1. look into his efforts “actively improve people’s lives” as you call them. pretending that cow farts are driving the weather, artificially blocking out the sun and depopulating the earth do not fall into that category for me.

            1. The climate impact through methane emissions from animal farming is a well established concept and has been for a while now. This is not something that Bill Gates made up. Blocking out the sun is a fearmongering framing of a Harvard University research project that snopes devoted a debunking article to. Providing people with access to contraception and reproductive health is a fine endeavor from where I stand.

            2. It’s actually more likely cow burps, rather than farts. Also some other agricultural practices, like rice farming, lead to significant methane emissions.

      3. OP here- this is why I said I was pleasantly surprised. It is definitely a technocratic approach, but I’ve read A LOT of climate change books (I’m an environmental scientist and always looking for good books to teach with), and it’s one of the best books I’ve seen at clearly explaining what has to be done to get carbon emissions down to zero and assessing the current state of technology and what it will take to solve the problem (Drawdown is also pretty good, but this is very up to date and so clear). It really draws on his work in poor countries and understanding that people in those countries are the most affected by climate change, but still need access to energy to develop and improve their lives. I would recommend it to anyone, but especially to engineers and other people who think quantitatively and want to solve problems- it’s not a gloom and doom book.

10. Best solution for a new pair of flats (Corso Como Julia) with very slippery soles? Do stick-on treads really work? Do I just need to wear them in on sidewalk till the sole is scratched up some more? I nearly fell trying them on in the kitchen, but they’re otherwise fine.

    1. Take them to a shoe person and have them add a no slip sole

       1. This is the right answer — it’s affordable and will prolong the life of your shoes, too.

    2. A light sanding with sand paper may help.

    3. Go outside to a concrete surface, like a sidewalk, and scooch around to rough them up. Then walk up and down a bit for further break in.

    4. I misread this at first as you were looking to buy a pair of shoes with very slippery soles. Gave me a good chuckle.

11. Can anyone recommend pajamas that are made of thicker material, preferably natural fibers? I hate clingy modal pjs but it seems like they’re everywhere.

    1. Like poplin cotton? J Crew carries them.

    2. Printfresh

       1. The nightgown I ordered from them was cut so that it was huge on the top and small on the bottom, like a maternity gown. Their prints are gorgeous and the fabric was really nice, though!

    3. Lake Pajamas are a pima cotton and I would call them a nice medium weight.

       1. Co-signed. The cotton is great quality and not clingy.

    4. My husband got me LL Bean PJs and I love them.

    5. Agree, the modal pjs are both clingy and oddly slippery/cold. I like both JCrew and Brooks Brothers for old school cotton or flannel pjs. LLBean also makes a TON of options but you’ll probably want to size down.

    6. I own several pairs of the all cotton Charter Club pajama sets at Macy’s.

       1. +1 to Macy’s pjs.

    7. I love the weight of my Bedhead pjs. They’re a bit of a splurge but so nice.

12. currently on a work call, a non-vaccinated colleague is talking about her upcoming trip to Miami and another colleague is talking about her college kid daughter also going to Miami for spring break who apparently was complaining that you can’t drink on the beach. as someone who has been very cautious throughout the pandemic and adheres to CDC protocols, this is so triggering for me and makes me so angry. for those of you who work with people on complete opposite sides of the spectrum in regard to covid – how do you handle this?

    1. Sounds like my workplace. Was just on a call with people complaining how long it’s been since they went out to eat….but it turns out they were dining in person in December. I just try to mention what I’m doing without being outwardly judgmental, and set a good example. I think they see all their friends doing the same thing they are, so I just try to reflect a good example without making a big deal of it. Internally I am judging hard. About half of them have gotten COVID and all but one of them trace their infections to indoor dining, for what it’s worth.

       1. Yeah, indoor dining is really emerging as one of the riskiest possible activities. I feel so awful for all the poor servers and busboys and waitresses in Texas who will bear the brunt of the risk and face the worst burden from that state’s horrendously misguided re-opening, no-mask policies.

          1. I’ve got news for you, restaurants are in exactly the same shape as they were before here in Texas. People don’t mask while seated, even under a mask mandate. The servers stayed masked and still do. The only difference is the moment you walk into the restaurant and then follow the hostess, but I doubt that’s where people are getting it. To me, it’s those large tables of mixed households that are giving it to each other at restaurants, and restaurants have been allowing that to happen on their own. I know one restaurant that has always had a six-person-max requirement and has kept it. That seems to be the best way to prevent spread at a restaurant.

    2. When people show you who you are, believe them. This is doing you a favor in a way – now you know what kind of person your colleague is and you can plan accordingly. This pandemic really shows who you can trust.

    3. Unless I am supposed to be in actual physical contact with someone, it’s not my problem.

       1. +1 I ignore it.

       2. +2. Boundaries ftw.

       3. +3, you are the one thing in life you can control. Not worth living in anger about them.

       4. +4. Not worth your energy to be concerned about what your co-workers are doing, unless you are supposed to be in physical contact with them.

    4. This is my whole office. I avoid them as much as possible and try not to let my anger at them eat away at my mental health. I have grown to truly despise a lot of people I know over the past year. At one point I was sitting at home with about as bad a case of Covid that would allow one to stay home and not go to the ER, given to me by someone at work. And I know it was from them because they are the only freaking people I saw, and three of us came down with it within a week of the sick person coming to the office. I was in a very dark mood and deeply angry. A friend sent me the meme that says “Holding on to anger is like eating poison and expecting the other person to die”. And that hit home. My anger was hurting me and no one else. Which is not to say that I still don’t still get very angry about covidiots. And it’s righteous anger in my opinion. But I try to let it go because it hurts me, and only me. It’s a difficult process and I know way too many people that have permanently lost my respect.

       1. I agree with this (not letting it eat you alive), but it works best for me to feel the anger, acknowledge it, not try to dismiss it or force it away, and then, when I feel ready, let it go. It sounds like that’s what you’ve been doing too and I think it works a lot better than trying to force myself to be serene about really awful behavior that affects me and the people I love.

    5. Someone on my team did something similarly egregious and tbh I think it will mean her contract doesn’t get renewed. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.

13. Just needed to vent a bit – I am so tired of the fraternity bro a-holes I work with (transactional biglaw associate). I try to avoid them but have gotten stuck with certain clients that make them hard to avoid. There aren’t many women associates (and only ONE woman equity partner in my group, though she is pretty checked out and certainly not an advocate for women), and I have really reached my limit on the condescension. It’s exhausting! Ugh, I don’t know that I can do this much longer.

    1. Network outside your firm. I know it’s hard – but life will open back up later this year. Forge bonds with other women. It helps, and a lot of time (though this isn’t the reason to do it) it leads to opportunities to go to greener pastures.

    2. I feel you (M&A biglaw associate). Apparently a bunch of the associates and male partners get together weekly for a hockey game weekly these days. This is the new break room – where people bond, learn about interesting deals and get staffed on them. I don’t play hockey and can barely skate, so I basically am out of touch with my entire department. Ugh. (also, hockey games are prohibited under COVID rules in my city. But apparently no one cares).

       1. So sorry to hear this. I got out of NYC biglaw M&A 5 ish years ago. Miss it substantively but at my firm there was no way to get ahead when the best assignments were doled out at pickup basketball games and sporting events and no one thinks to invite you or invites you last minute out of courtesy but kind of indicate they don’t care if you come or not/hardly talk to you at the event.

          1. Yeah, one of my colleagues was like “well you could come cheer on us!” Hm, no.

             1. You shouldn’t have to find a way to participate, but if you wanted to in a less gendered role, what about reffing the games?

    3. Network outside your group at the firm with the other women? It will help both your sanity and your career. I have survived 30 years of tech bros; my bottom line is I am going to let them drive me out if a career I love.

    4. If it helps, I am on the client side in a very transactional business and we women welcome networking with our counsel! We get tired of the associate Bros too.

    5. Just here to say that I am on the client side of biglaw transactional practices, my day is MADE when I see a female associate / partner / banker! Solidarity!

    6. solidarity; I lasted two years in biglaw M&A in a department with one woman partner and one other woman associate, and that was about all I could take – still in transactional biglaw but moved to a more niche practice group with more women. It is so nice by comparison.

    7. Been there, done that. Get good experience, network with your female peers in other practice groups and in-house (women’s bar associations are great for mentorship and networking purposes) and either make partner or become the client and hire women outside counsel!

14. Have you ever been in a marriage or long term relationship where you know people looked at you and were like – how do they stay together – because you’re so different? What was the secret to staying together that nobody understood besides the two of you?

    I don’t mean just normal opposites like one is outgoing or adventurous and one isn’t. I mean when one doesn’t come off as a particularly nice or good person — but there must be something good there that keeps you in.

    Did a zoom with an old family friend and her husband who I don’t know well at all joined. They’re 55-57, met in med school, so this is a 30+ year marriage. She was sweet as always asking about me, telling me what their kids are up to as both just graduated law school etc. He OTOH – in 30 min managed to let it be known – millennials are snowflakes; liberals are snowflakes; he accepts Biden as prez but doesn’t support him; BLM is just rioting; and our type of immigrants (Irish, hundreds of years ago) are better than today’s. She seemed embarrassed but just tried to keep the convo moving as I assume she knew he’d grandstand on a topic otherwise. The whole time I was like — he’s a doctor?! I’d hate to be a non white patient of his as IDK how vested he is in their outcomes versus white patients. And how does she live with him?! I mean it’s been 30+ years so I imagine he’s changed since they were 25 and got married? Anyone see this/live with this?

    1. I’m in one of those relationships. There’s no secret. It’s usually a combo of necessity, codependence, fear of change and hope for improvement.

       1. I’m sorry. Here’s a hug from an internet stranger.

    2. I haven’t seen that particular viewpoint with my friends, but for family they either believe the same thing (maybe to a milder degree) and/or grew up with it and have tolerated it their whole lives so it’s not shocking to them when someone expresses those opinions. Some people are more comfortable about disagreeing about some things and they can compartmentalize it off in a way I can’t.

       I have a friend whose husband I really dislike – he’s lazy, pretends to be helpless (literally can’t boil water to make their kids mac & cheese), and can be rude at times. But, he does have some redeeming qualities and loves my friend. I believe her life is more enjoyable with him than if she were alone and single.

    3. I think a lot of people are so afraid of being alone that they just suffer through this.

    4. My best friend’s husband is a complete manchild. She stays with him because he’s funny and a good dad (in that he’s loving and attentive to their baby and will be a SAHD because he doesn’t have a career – she still does all the emotional and mental labor related to childrearing). I believe she stays with him because of fear of being alone and because he’s the most “normal” of the weird emo guys she’s dated over the years. I imagine that’s true for many relationships where the man has negative political views as well.

       1. Yes, not everyone can find a husband who is a successful alpha type, but that isn’t a bad thing. Men can be the passives in a relationship as long as they do what you need them to do ( in this case, be the SAHD, watch the children, cook the food, clean the house, and be there for emotional and physical support when you come home from work. I am almost at that point b/c I have not had success finding the man I deserve, so must think about refocusing on a passive guy who will be loyal to me. I had a schmoe I was dating for years, but he was a drunk and I had no real confidence or assurance he would not bring another woman into my apartement for s-x while I worked. So I dumped him and have been single ever since. I will seriusly consider a passive now that Covid is nearly beaten.

    5. I think sometimes life just happens. They got together as young med students in the 90s, sure maybe he had some “conservative” views but so what maybe she does too or maybe her dad did so she thought that’s how guys are. Besides how much time was there to ponder views — they were studying all the time; residency/fellowship. Then came 2 kids – again how much time was there with busy careers and 2 little kids to be annoyed by his views. You tend to start to notice it once your work is established and your kids are a bit more independent so you have time to sit around and talk. I’m guessing her kids would’ve been 10ish then and she’d be 40ish. Ok so now are you going to break up a family over dad having racist views, nah just don’t talk about it. Then it probably starts to annoy you more and more, as the kids move out, you spend more time together and DJT becomes President so these things become front and center. Sounds like she was 50ish then so I’d imagine then it’s the fear of being older and alone. I think these things take on a life of their own sometimes and the wife (usually it’s the wife) just goes along to get along and not upset life altogether.

       1. It’s not just the fear of being alone and older. There’s a comfort and familiarity with a person/family situation, even if their views are problematic. It’s not so hard to compartmentalize if the person acts decently at home. Just because I accept the flaws in my spouse (not racism in our case, btw) doesn’t mean I wouldn’t leave a bad situation. I’m certainly not afraid of being on my own if I had to.

       2. Yep, this.

    6. So I’m the kooky one in my relationship albeit at the other side of the political spectrum. When I first got with my DH I warned him I’d only become more extreme and I was right I have. It works though because my husband respects me and knows I’m right. But man it sucks when people talk to him about how it’s such a sacrifice to live with me because it means giving up Amazon and other socially and environmentally squicky things. I try not to let it get to me though.

       1. You’re amazing!

    7. Change is hard.

       My friend who has a marriage like this got married very young, after he pursued her hard in college. He was her first boyfriend. She lives in a crazy world of wealthy McMansions and Lily Pulitzer and facades. She grew up conservatively but was open minded and he is hard core right wing.

       When I first met him, I was put off by his arrogance and machismo. He also used swear words in a really violent manner… I don’t know how to say it otherwise. It made me a little scared of him, to be honest, and I am no prude about language. When I looked at my lovely, soft spoken, kind, good hearted friend and she didn’t flinch at all to any of his comments/behaviors it actually made me a little worried about abuse.

       You never really know what is going on in someone else’s marriage.

    8. There are many “nice” people who agree with the openly racist, but care more about having polite conversations and being “nice.” Think all the people who loved Trump’s policies but didn’t like the tweeting. I know plenty of white people who are perfectly nice to my face but hold racist beliefs.

       1. This. Plenty of people esp women don’t say those things but are happy to condone them, don’t disagree all that strongly. As OP says though does it bother people that these people are doctors? I know drs are human and can have any views they please. But if you really believe that your type of immigrant is better than the current type – who may be in your exam room now – I fear that unless you are GREAT at compartmentalizing, you’re always going to take the complaints of a black/brown person a bit less seriously.

          1. It does bother me, but in no way surprises me. Study after study has shown that the complaints of minorities are ignored, and that contributes to the fact that they have worse health outcomes. There is a reason I choose an african-american female doctor.

    9. Going way anon for this . . . I am dating (but will probably end it when is back in country) someone who does my laundry without asking, does all of the tasks around the house that I ignore/am too lazy to do/don’t care about/don’t priotize, cooks meals, does crosswords with me, supports my hobbies, etc., but who also thinks that racist jokes/hashtags, using the word retarded to describe something stupid, etc., are funny and that I would think they are funny (I absolutely do not and have said so). He knows I am liberal, am feminist, and regularly have shut that $hit down when he does it in front of me. However, due to his background (military) and his work (in developing nations) doesn’t see it as an issue to call countries such as Afghanistan trashcanistan, send me cartoons which depict democrats in really atrocious ways, etc. We have had discussions about it, he apologizes, and while his behavior may change in front of me (sometimes), I am under no illusions that this is who he is and this is who he will be with his military and convserative friends. I have stewed about this for a while because he does have redeeming qualities and I can see how other women would be fine putting up with what I find objectionable in exchange for the good parts. I can’t, but being in my current situation, can see how it happpens.

       1. Let me be clear that I do not believe everyone who has a military background, is in service currently, or who works in developing countries feels this way! I didn’t word that properly.

          1. I work in disaster response. Half of the field is bleeding hearts who feel called to help. Half of the field acts like your boyfriend. It’s an interesting dynamic.

       2. Honestly, I find that topic complicated. It bothers me when people here in the U.S. who have never traveled to Afghanistan police the language and tone of people who have been there doing hard work. Setting aside the question of the military’s justification to be in Afghanistan, there’s no doubt that the men and women on the ground see and experience things that are extremely far from daily life here. At the same time, I don’t like the gratuitous insults and the toxic masculinity and so much else about it. I’m not sure where my line would be if I dated someone like that.

          1. It’s definitely complicated!! I should have been more clear – I make no comments about the Trashcanistan comments because I am fully aware that I will never share those experiences and I am in no way going to or want to try to minimize the experiences of someone who has done 22 combat tours. The times I have shut it down are the uses of the R word to mean stupid and the very racist hashtag incident. Interestingly, I am reading the book I Love You, But I Hate Your Politics because of this relationship. I haven’t truly decided where I fall on this yet – whether I want to stay together or not. It’s clear cut in some areas for me (racism) and not so clear in others (Trashcanistan).

             1. I don’t know if you’re still reading but Trashcanistan alone would be a deal breaker for me because it’s just so not funny and a compatible sense of humor is a must, imo (I have a friend who is very liberal and does something similar re: “teahadists” and COVIDiots” and I just find it kind of lame and cringey).

                But I do appreciate that it’s a more complex issue when you know the person than when it’s a random stranger you can just condemn as a racist or sexist or whatever.

                Fwiw – the one relationship like this that I see up close, one spouse is completely tuned out of politics and not born in the US, so her partner’s views are easy for her to ignore.

             2. I responded separately to the person you’re responding to, but I think you’re twisting yourself in knots to empathize with someone who’s just a jerk. My SO has been in the military for 18 years. He’s certainly exposed to this kind of nonsense. It’s all over his socials because he follows lots of military groups – for very important nonnegotiable reasons – and unfortunately you have to take the good with the bad. But he knows it’s not ok and definitely not funny because he’s a good person. The people he’s friends with, who we socialize with, don’t make jokes like this. If your BF is saying things like this and hanging out socially with people who do, it’s because he agrees with it, not because the military brainwashed him or he doesn’t know any better.

                I will say, sometimes I have to point things out to my SO. Once. The first time he used the word dependa around me, we had a pretty long and constructive discussion about what that means and why it’s sexist. He has never used that word around me again, and I don’t think he’s just censoring himself, I think he did a lot of reflecting about his own assumptions and biases. Which is what you want! Not everyone spends their free time thinking about bias, but when you point it out, you want them to take it seriously and do some self reflection. It sounds like your guy isn’t doing that.

          2. Hard disagree. I don’t need to have been to Afghanistan to know it’s offensive to call another country a trash can. You can say – life is really tough there and my experience was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done – without being condescending, xenophobic, and racist.

    10. These opinions don’t seem all that unusual for a white, male doctor.

        I guess I find most people’s political outlooks ethically bankrupt in many, many ways? I am more embarrassed by statements like like these for social reasons, but not really more offended by it ethically. Saying the right things is consistent with a lot of horrifying outlooks too.

        1. That’s so interesting you say that. Reading OPs description it’s the dr part that surprised/bothered me the most. I mean doesn’t this guy see all types of patients? I’m not sure if it’d even be hidden biases against certain types of people — its likely open biases. Though maybe not if he’s structured his life such that he practices in a wealthy suburb so he sees well to do, insured white folks as 90%+ of his patient base.

           1. There are studies on the political affiliations of different medical specialties; there are strong trends. My perspective is that a lot of (white, male) doctors also come from fairly sheltered upper middle class backgrounds that haven’t always prepared them for residencies that put them on the front line with patients from all backgrounds (and don’t provide a lot of support or even time for processing those experiences with patients who may be or seem hostile, unappreciative, dishonest, non-compliant, and so on). Even the more liberal specializations encode a lot of biases (for example, the idea that psychosomatic symptoms are more likely in women, children, immigrants, and the poorly educated, since they “need” to manipulate others around them). There’s also a culture of hard work and meritocracy and sacrifice, and it is not always easy for hardworking people (whether doctors or baristas or servers) to cultivate compassion for perceived societal shirkers? This is my best attempt to understand some of the people I’ve run into.

    11. When I get stuck talking to a blowhard like that, I just start thinking that this is someone who at some level is terrified that he’s not important or relevant anymore because the world has mostly moved on without him. Also, for all the intelligence or savvy it might take to have a successful career, there are people who are just as stupid as bricks outside of very narrow parameters.

        As for their marriage, I can only bring up my own parents. My dad loves endless conservative cable news, and my mom just isn’t that interested in it (despite the fact that she’s a local elected official LOL). So unfortunately, my mom gets all her news from my dad, which is like the worst game of telephone ever since she gets his very racist, super-paranoid distillation of big stories. She wants to talk about what real people are up to, he wants to talk about banning Dr. Seuss.

        I suppose if I was A Very Good Liberal, I’d stop talking or interacting with my parents. But I’ve disagreed with their politics since….maybe 1996? I just cut them off when they start going down some tear about how Those People are the worst.

        1. Is your mother more liberal or conservative in her role as a local elected official?

           1. It’s very local, so no one runs as a member of a local political party. While she’d probably disagree with me, I think what she does is actually pretty liberal in practice. She does lots of work with state agencies to get transportation issues resolved and do flood abatement, as well as trying to fix some of the local environmental issues (e.g., getting nesting boxes for migratory birds). She’s not opposed to upzoning or to people having multigenerational housing, and works a lot with local landlords to make sure people have licenses to rent out property (it’s a vacation town).

              She also helped get rid of the local police force and the town now contracts with a larger, regional force. There is probably more transparency and accountability this way since it’s not just a couple of good ol’ boys with essentially no oversight in a tiny town.

              Does she give a flying f- about banning plastic bags or adding a bike lane to narrow residential streets? No, but she does a lot of stuff that I think is good for their community.

              1. Did she run initially because someone wanted to ban fireplaces from new construction? Yes. Did she work on making sure there are wheelchair-accessible ramps and disabled parking for beach access? Yes.

    12. I assume she feels the same way he does and just believes in being “nice” in public.

        1. Ding ding ding.

    13. Yup. I eventually DMTFA.

15. I really like this blouse. The model appears not to, but that’s her problem I guess.

    1. This gave me a chuckle. Thanks from an internet stranger :).

16. I should have this figured out a year into the pandemic, but I’m still struggling to find masks that fit. I have a wide, but not long face. Most masks ride up so much that they wind up in my eyes, no matter how much I cinch the nose bridge. I’ve seen some masks on public figures (I.e. Kamala) where the fabric dips down on the front of the face under the eyes. The one Kamala was wearing was the Wolford Care mask which is $95 for 3. I haven’t had much luck finding anything similar at a more reasonable price point. Any ideas?

    1. Try Jaanuu. This is a scrubs company and the shape seems like a good match for your needs. I like these masks a lot for everyday and they are not expensive. I will say that I initially bought them for the gym but did not like them for that purpose at all personally because they sit close to the face and got damp quickly and then ended up in my mouth.

       1. Also, these don’t have internal nose wires, but you can buy some adhesive nose wires and foam pads on Amazon and probably elsewhere if that is important to you.

    2. I’ve mostly given up on cloth masks. My KN95s fit so much better and stay exactly in place, no fussing needed. I also have the issue with masks coming too far up under my eyes, and KN95s (and N95s) are shaped so this is less of an issue.

       1. N95s only protect you, not others, no? Some places I’ve been (e.g. midwife) don’t allow them, but they do allow surgical masks.

          1. What!? No. N95s are the gold standard mask, they barely let any particles in or out so it protects both you and others extremely well. My doctor’s office requires everyone to wear surgical masks, but it’s not because they think N95s are bad, it’s because there are counterfeit N95s out there and it’s impossible for them to verify that you have a “real” one. But they know and trust their own surgical masks, so they ask everyone to put one on. You can layer it over whatever masks you’re wearing (whether cloth or N95).

          2. This is only an issue for N95s with a vent. Many are unvented. Alternatively, you can tape the vent or wear another mask over it.

             1. Thank you! This was the clarification I was missing!

          3. I thought N95s also prevented the droplets from being breathed into the air (as long as they’re not the ones with the vent in them).

          4. Why wouldn’t they? Neither the N95 or KN95’s that I own have one of those vent thingies FWIW.

          5. That’s only true if you get the vented N95s, Curious. The non-vented ones provide protection both directions.

          6. Only the ones with the vents. The bowl shaped or duck bill shape N95s protect you and others.

    3. A year ago before masks were for sale at all clothing retailers, I hand sewed my own using some fabric, elastic, and the wide flat twist ties that you find on coffee bags. I referenced some simple patterns online. Now I buy masks but still sew on the coffee bag twist ties at the nose bridge so they fit better, and I seem to always need to sew a little stitch at the chin. Have you considered making one from scratch or modifying a store bought mask?

    4. I have the same problem. Not sure if this would help you, but I now wear a surgical mask and put either a KN95 or a cloth mask over the surgical one, and I move that top mask very low on my face (more than I would feel comfortable doing if I were wearing just a single mask and was worried about nose showing). This placement somehow keeps both masks from riding up.

       1. You will get more protection if you put the KN95 next to your face and the surgical over that. The material the N95/KN95/FFP is made from filters small particles, but with the improper fit, they are not as effective as they can be. They need to make a tight seal to your face and the surgical mask on first is preventing this. (After a day in an N95 mask, you can see the indent for hours after, and I can still feel it.)

17. Did anyone experience underarm lymph node swelling after the Covid vaccine? I know it’s a theoretical side effect (I’ve read the articles about spacing out the shot and mammograms) but don’t know anyone personally who had this issue. I’m 9 days post Shot 1 (Moderna) and really noticing it in the last couple of days. Last night I even had trouble sleeping because I was so uncomfortable lying down and having the weight of my body press on my swollen lymph nodes.

    1. I haven’t had the vaccine yet, but ever since I was a teenager (25+ years now), I periodically get swollen lymph nodes under one arm or the other for a few days every few months. I’ve asked my doctors about it and none of them have ever been concerned (blood work is normal, breast exams and now mammograms are normal), so it just seems to be normal thing for me. I fully expect to have issues when I do get vaccinated.

    2. I have a friend who did and it went away after a few days (Pfizer, 2nd shot). Hurt her to raise her arm over her head. But nbd in the scheme of things and happy she got the shot.

    3. My boss’ son did. He’s 18 but was able to get the vaccine because he works with developmentally disabled kids. They have a family history of bre@st cancer, so he actually had to get an MRI and biopsy to be on the safe side.

    4. I did. Found it 7 days post Moderna shot. My lymph nodes were sore/swollen under my armpit, and the lymph nodes near by collarbone were so enlarged that there was a visible lump. I’m now 6 days post second shot and have noticed lesser soreness/swelling in those areas. I have a coworker (we got our shots together) who had the same issue, but only with her underarm lymph nodes.

    5. A friend did, yes. And he’s actually a virologist researching Covid for the past year, so he is amused like “of course this would happen to me.”

    6. I have seen this mentioned anecdotally on my local message board (e.g. NextDoor). The folks there said their doctors said if it doesn’t go away after a week, call your doctor. This is all hearsay and I’m not a doctor.

    7. Woman in ER told me she had this and it went away after a few days. I did not experience this after either Pfizer shot.

    8. I did, it was a small lump right above my collarbone. Went away by itself.

18. I don’t know if it’s reached all your news cycles but the news about Sarah Everard has really shaken me. I have lived alone for four years and only yesterday did I decide needed to set up perpetual location sharing with a few of my oldest friends. What a week.

    1. I’m so sorry, Ribena <33 I have a lot of friends in the UK so I've been hearing about Sarah a lot. It's heartbreaking for so many reasons.

       1. I saw this in the news this morning and was so shaken. I was thinking of all the times I’ve decided to walk home instead of getting a cab because “it’ll be fine”. How awful,

    2. Yest I got it yest in Stylist and today is in some national press here. Really upset and angry to know that a policeman is the main suspect and that women are forced to feel the need to change their behaviour for their safety.
       Clapham-Brixton was part of my dayly life living there and I though “could have been me!”

    3. I live in London and have been following the case obsessively. It’s terrifying. In the before-times, I routinely walked home from the office alone around 9.30 pm; will need to rethink my habits once WFH is over.

19. Gift idea request: I need help with a gift for my uncle. He’s late 60s and until 2 years ago was very active/healthy; but now has a terminal disease and cannot do most of what he loved (travel, biking, camping, building/fixing things in his basement woodshop, generally outdoorsy stuff). He is no longer very mobile (on oxygen) so spends most of his time listening to audiobooks (which he gets from the library; is not interested in Audible or something like that) or watching the news (which drives my aunt insane).He likes our local sports teams, but isn’t a fanatic. He loves coffee and used to be into fun beer or cocktails, but can no longer drink. While he and my aunt are now 2 weeks post-second shot, they’re still cautious about going out and doing things. I’ll be visiting next week (2 weeks after my second shot), and would like to get him something fun or nice. He’s such a great guy, we’ve always been close, and he’s now deteriorating daily and I know it’s been KILLING him to spend his last (good) years in lockdown.

    I never had trouble coming up with ideas for him when he was healthy – he had a lot of hobbies (many of which overlap with mine) and he was very active and fun-loving. Now, he’s pretty much has to spend his day sitting down in his apartment.

    1. I’m sorry to hear that. I’m sure your visit will be a wonderful gift in and of itself!

    2. What about a Master Class subscription? Still audible, comes in bite sized chunks that are consumable even if he tires after 10 minutes, gives you access to the world.

       1. Thanks! I haven’t seen him in a while (COVID), but I think as long as he’s sitting he’s got plenty of energy. He’s lost a TON of his lung functionality, but otherwise he’s still a pretty healthy person (like he still “exercises”; I don’t know what that means since he gets winded putting on a jacket while sitting down, but he still does it). He does audio books because that’s always been his preference; he has no issues with reading or anything.

          For Christmas, I almost got him a book about biking, but my aunt suggested not doing so because it reminds him of what he can’t do. So, I guess I”m looking for things that would appeal to his interests, but are things he’d want even if he wasn’t sick.

    3. Maybe some good 2+ person board games to add some variety?

    4. Does he have good headphones? Some super nice ones could go well with a “virtual” trip – if you curate a collection of treadmill walks (or more adventerous trips that he might never have done anyway) with local food and drink for a virtual trip immersion.

       There are some great non-alcolic spirits (Seedlip, Rumish, Ginish etc) that he might enjoy for fun cocktails. Non-alcoholic beers are also very much improving in both taste and variety – maybe he’d like a blind tasting?

       Maybe a set of build-it-yourself bird houses or insect hotels that he could observe (with binoculars?) from a comfortable chair? If he likes building things, have you seen the amazing Lego sets for adults? The Eiffel tower, for example… or the Colosseum. Some really nice jigsaws could be interesting.

       1. Came here to say bird feeder. Or a plant subscription. If your aunt would cook with them, you can get really cool grow your own mushroom kits. Just something to connect with nature, even while inside.

    5. I’m so sorry to hear about your uncle.

       I would try to give him something related to one of his hobbies. Just because you are on oxygen, doesn’t mean you can’t walk/use your hands/think. To be honest, people can live for many years on oxygen with progressive lung disease. The more active he can stay, the better.

       How about some amazing kit to build a boat replica or something constructive? He can do that on the dining room table.

       Camp with him in the backyard. Seriously. Even if it is just for a cook out and he winds up sleeping inside.

       Keep him surrounded by his favorite coffee/foods as long as he can enjoy them. And the alternating picture frames are wonderful. Load them full of pictures from his adventures (wife can help) and then just sit with him and ask him about each picture and let him tell all the stories.

       1. Yes, he’s mentally fine and physically relatively fine but his lungs are at such a low capacity most movements are hard. He had to stop wearing pull over sweaters because taking them off or on is too much for him. They moved from a house with space for hobbies to a 1 br apartment, because he needed to be on one level living, which means there isn’t room for building things (also no backyard for a campout). He definitely likes keeping his hands occupied (he plays solitaire all day long). Honestly, he’d probably love taking up knitting or something but he wouldn’t take that up. A boat replica kit or something might be up his alley though!

          1. A bit of a crazy suggestion but he totally seems like he would enjoy lock-picking–there’s a huge community on R e D D i t. There are beginner lock-picking kits you can get! It’s actually pretty fun.

    6. Would nice noise-canceling headphones or earbuds be in the budget?
       Maybe research some podcasts on topics he’d like (current events, sports, etc) and set him up with a Spotify premium account.
       And I’m sorry – my wife’s aunt is experiencing a similar illness and decline. It’s been really hard.

       1. My brother has been trying to get him into podcasts for years (pre illness). We think he’d LOVE them but for whatever reason he’s never been into it.

    7. What about carving? Something like chip carving or wooden spoons, where you get him some basswood planks and a book and a couple of tools and he can do it with his hands while listening to audiobooks / sitting down. I appreciate it makes a bit of a mess so maybe also a drop cloth? It feels more like you’re “doing” something than colouring books do.

    8. As someone who dreams about traveling to far-flung places, I’ve loved watching Planet Earth, the Blue Planet and now Our Planet during the pandemic with my kids and have felt like I’ve been to these amazing places and have “seen” them. If your uncle still watches DVDs, you can probably get the entire boxed sets of these amazing shows. Otherwise, if they have a Netflix subscription, that would be an easy way to watch them also.

    9. How about some kind of comparison taste test? Remember beer flights? Do something like that but with a non alcoholic food – pies or different chocolate brands or something. It’s more of an activity than a gift but it sounds like your uncle and aunt could use a little novelty right now.

20. Any recommendations for ring lights to use during zoom calls? Specifically I’d like one that clips onto my laptop to help with poor lighting in my office. Thanks!

21. What are your favorite volume snacks that you can eat when you’re bored? (Relatedly, how do I stop eating when I’m bored??) I’ve been going hard on baby carrots recently and I need variety.

    1. (Relatedly, how do I stop eating when I’m bored??)

       Try a hobby that keeps your hands occupied – like knitting. I’m serious, it’s absolutely hopeless to eat snacks while knitting or doing crafts where crumbs, salt or stains will destroy your work. :D

    2. Popcorn

    3. Smart food or similar popcorn or pretzels (specifically the small pretzel shaped Snyder’s of Hanover ones)

    4. Don’t eat when you’re bored! I don’t full on intermittently fast, but the idea of only eating at certain times and not at others is really helpful for me. I do chew sugarless gum for a little bit after each meal and brush my teeth after my last meal of the day to help feel done with every meal and not want to eat again until it’s time for the next meal. This is easier during the pandemic because I just eat my meals when I’m hungry, not when someone else thinks I should eat.

       1. Oh great, thanks what a good answer to the question how do I stop eating when I’m bored.

    5. Pistachios. But honestly I mostly eat junk when I’m bored and it’s a terrible habit I need to stop but I don’t know how.

       1. I love pistachios for this because opening them is a great way to occupy my hands.

          1. Oooh, excellent point.

       2. I’ve been snacking on pistachios and I think it’s been helping me avoid chips and other salty snack items.

    6. I literally keep no food in the house to prevent this. Popcorn or water :(

    7. I’m a big fan of rice cakes, the big Quaker Oats ones with the cheese powder.

    8. Popcorn, apples, other fruit.
       And I know it is not an answer you will find helpful, but I stopped eating out of boredom when I decided to be a person who does not eat when I am not hungry or beyond satiety. I really meditated on the idea for a couple of weeks and decided at some point I was ready to make that decision. And I got very familiar with the feeling of hunger so that I could identify it. That part is hard at first, because it involves a level of discipline that feels like deprivation, but it went away within a couple of weeks and I realized I much preferred it to feeling stuffed. I am not an underweight person who is depriving herself of anything, I just stopped eating as a hobby (which is broader than just not eating boredom snacks).

       1. I’m the one who posted above about only eating meals. No thanks to the snarky response, it’s my genuine answer to how to stop eating when bored: just don’t start. I used to snack a lot, both out of boredom and sometimes out of real hunger, but I just didn’t find it very satisfying to waste so many calories on food I didn’t actually like that much. I just decided that I’d rather eat a real meal of food I enjoy and cut the snacking completely, except for when traveling or otherwise unable to eat real meals. A lot of my smaller “meals” probably aren’t that different from other people’s snacks (like peanut butter and apple on wheat toast, veggies or crackers and hummus/dip, or popcorn and applesauce), but they’re deliberately portioned onto a plate or bowl and it’s way more satisfying that just mindlessly snacking on food I don’t really like and not being able to stop.

    9. I try to eat a big lunch. It is my largest meal of the day and tends to keep me full into the evening. I also eat pretty early, around 11 (I don’t generally eat breakfast, maybe a banana or toast if I’m really hungry). Other than that, I drink black coffee in the morning and then herbal tea in the afternoon, and I don’t keep snacks around so I have to go out and get something if I want a snack. I’m one of those abstainers; moderation doesn’t work for me when it comes to snacks.

       I do like trail mix, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, frozen grapes, and popcorn as snacks. I just have a hard time putting them away if I’m working. It’s like a combo of stress and boredom eating for me.

    10. I love cucumber sticks and slices of red pepper. But i also try and work in a room away from the kitchen and own a bunch of different fidget toys to keep my hands occupied when i’m bored.

    11. I mentioned this yesterday, but I am super into sugar snap peas.

    12. Radishes! I love a good thin sliced radish in seasoned rice wine vinegar. Oddly specific, I know, but so good!

        1. I love radishes the french way, with butter and salt. Not helpful on the low cal thing, I know, but so delicious!

    13. Dried seaweed!

        1. absolutely! I get it from Costco. Nice and salty/savory and delicious.

    14. Apples are really good for snacking and giving you a “clean mouth” feeling afterward

    15. All cold:
        Roasted brussel sprouts or roasted carrots
        celery with wing sauce (Great Value is great)
        sugar snap peas, tiny tomatoes, baby carrots

        roasted chickpeas
        air-popped popcorn

        pretzels with Laughing Cow cheese

        herbal tea

        I find it helpful to switch directions when I’m in an eat-y mood — if I want sweet I have a small snack of something salty.

22. We talk a lot here about paring down wardrobes and having too many clothes. Is there anyone who has mindfully decided that this *isn’t* a problem/goal? If so, I’m wondering how you came to that conclusion and how you keep yourself within “reason” as you define it.

    Try as I might, I just cannot find satisfaction with fewer clothes. I get bored, and while that’s hardly a grave outcome, I just really miss the joy of choosing different outfits each day and, yes, shopping for more clothes. I’ve been like this for as long as I’ve had my own money to spend, so around age 13. I’ve never found a way to stop caring about it.

    My finances are fine, my home isn’t overflowing, and I do resell and donate things regularly. I know that from a financial, environmental, and storage standpoint, this still isn’t ideal. So far I have mitigated these issues by going almost all second-hand, but obviously just not shopping would be better.

    Anyone feel this way? Interested in people who have accepted it, and also people who haven’t.

    1. No, this is not a problem/goal for me. I’m not a stuff person so I don’t have that much in general, but I do have more clothes than I can wear on a regular basis, and I buy new stuff as I see fit. Again I don’t really have all that much, but I could definitely have less but I like what I have so whatever. I try to focus my attention/energy on the things that bring me good feelings or are just good things in my life and purging my closet just does not check those boxes and that’s fine.

    2. I don’t share the goal of a minimal wardrobe either. I think some folks who don’t really like fashion are quite content with permission to have a small number of pieces on regular repeat and get on with their lives. I like clothing design and fabrication and love shoes, and am going to curate my wardrobe a different way. I shop thoughtfully in the first place, don’t buy fast fashion, and like keeping and wearing out my quality pieces, so I don’t think I am going to go to environmental hell.

    3. It was a problem for me in the sense that I was uncomfortable with my impact on the planet, not necessarily the number of sweaters I had. About 5 years ago I switched to 100% second hand to alleviate the guilt, I still have so so so many sweaters but they all came into my possession responsibly so I feel no guilt.

    4. Same. I’m a wannabe minimalist because there’s nothing I hate more than clutter and waste, but I don’t arbitrarily force myself to cut down things I enjoy (the same reason I’m not a vegetarian). Everything fits in my closet/bureau (barely) and I spend within my means on clothing/shoes. Feeling good in my clothes is important to me (so, I like wearing fashionable things).

       My solution is to only have clothes/shoes that I absolutely love. Anything less than love, I donate. However, if I have a full closet of clothes I love, then I don’t care.

       1. Same. I have enough room, and enough money, and the “do I really love this?” as a test for acqjuiring/keeping things keeps it manageable. Also I make sure I spend way more money on charitable donations than clothes.

    5. Yes- i love clothes and shoes and bags and makeup and stuff! I have a high stress/high pay job because i want to be independent and not rely on a man to buy me the stuff I want[ed to buy since i was 13]. I have decided to cut down, not by actually cutting down, but only buying things I LOVE and taking a quality not quantity approach. I think it’s working… but my closet still blows people away when they open it. It makes me happy though and it’s my life. <3

    6. Yes! I have tried to do the whole capsule wardrobe thing and quickly realized wearing the same thing all the time is an absolute bummer. Like you, I try to limit my consumption by buying second hand and vintage whenever possible. I also have a huge number of clothes in storage so when styles “come back around,” I try to first shop storage and make alterations to what I already have.

       I’ll also add that while the clothing supply chain is Very Bad and huge source of pollution, individual consumers have very little ability to move the needle on environmental issues that are largely the fault of large corporate polluters. I make changes where I can in my own life to make up for my clothes horse ways. (Is it weird I miss carpooling? I think I miss carpooling.) But I also advocate politically for better pollution controls and for communities that are more vulnerable to climate change’s impacts.

    7. I love a good closet purge now and then and try to be mindful to avoid buying things that I never wear – def patterns in what I cull (tops that are red or burgundy; bright work dresses) – but otherwise enjoy the variety!

    8. I have no aspirations towards minimalism. I’m constrained by the size of my closet, and so if that gets really full or I run out of hangars (I have a LOT), that’s when I know that it’s beyond reason. Pre-COVID I enjoyed doing clothing rental subscriptions so I was rotating different things in and out without buying new things. Also, every couple of years (usually when I move apartments), I do a full-blown Marie Kondo clear out and ask myself if I truly love something and wear it. If I don’t, I donate / toss it and free up space for something new that I like more! Otherwise, I’m just happy with my stuff and enjoy it. It’s not bothering anyone else. I don’t see a need to feel otherwise.

    9. I am exactly the same way and I have accepted it. Shopping is in my budget, and why shouldn’t I if it makes me happy? I don’t have expensive hobbies like skiing. Shopping is my hobby.

    10. I have a hybrid process, I guess. I don’t feel the need to own very few pieces, but I definitely prefer my foundational wardrobe to be repeats. So for example, once I find my HG v-neck tee shirt, I buy five in black, five in white, and a handful of jewel tones. Same for work slacks, yoga and lounge pants, and bras.

        My thought is that I want to have enough clothing to get through at least a week without being forced to do laundry, and to have enough of like things to fill a washer load. Having everything be the same also means it will all require exactly the same care routine, and will all fit into dresser drawers the same way. I get a lot of satisfaction from knowing that I can grab an armful out of the hamper, throw it in the washer, and walk away with picking through everything piece by piece.

        All that said, my work dress code is very different from the norm on this board (no leg showing, no heels, nothing with ruffles or other bits) so it’s pretty easy for me to keep to a simple silhouette in the first place.

    11. Do you need permission to not invent a problem? What you do works for you. Why aren’t you confident enough to just let it?

        1. Oh go eat some flowers.

           1. he he he he

    12. I have a capsule wardrobe for business travel (or did) but I have more volume of clothing I wear when not traveling. I still stick to the same neutrals (mostly navy, black or gray in winter) but I like some color in blouses or jackets/cardigans. Knowing my colors has helped me not overbuy – for instance I really like the featured blouse and would have ordered it in the Ivy color, but that shade of green doesn’t work for me – but if I see something that would make me happy that is in a color that works for me and goes with my neutrals, I pretty much buy it and don’t feel shame.

        1. This. When I started doing more international trips I realized I needed more business clothes because I needed to pack for Sunday-Friday trips and didn’t want to do hotel dry cleaning. I have also done back to back trips with say 3 or 4 days off (T-F, home S-M, leave on Tuesday again) and needed to have enough clothes so that I wasn’t held hostage by the dry cleaners schedule. That means I have more blazers/skirts/dresses than perhaps I absolutely need but I have room for them, can afford them, and they make my life easier just knowing that I ca go into my closet and pack for a 10 day work trip no worries.

    13. Yes, I feel this way (still swooning over yesterday’s suit). No I haven’t quite accepted it. I love thrift shopping. So much so that I needed to cut back. Shopping was my coping mechanism for boredom, unhappiness, stress, needing alone time, you name it. Once I cut that down, my online shopping went way up. So I started putting things in my shopping cart and leaving them for 24 hours. 9 out of 10 times, I didn’t even want the thing 24 hours later. If I still did, I bought it (those are honestly some of my favorite items). My shopping habits and my wearing habits somehow got grossly out of sync. I was buying 50 things and wearing 3 of them. Now I buy…ok now I buy 25 things and wear 3 of them. I actually just sent back a huge Thredup order because I didn’t LOVE any of it. This seems so obvious but for me to buy something now I’ve got to LOVE it to the point where I put it on right out of the box. That means no more Target “I guess this will work” or “well I love the print but not the cut” items. No ma’am! I’ve also accepted that I wear three outfits over and over. So I’ll still be consuming new sets of three outfits occasionally due to wear and tear, but that’s better than having 22 things in my closet that I’ll never wear. At least that’s what I’m telling myself. It’s a process.

    14. Maybe I’m just trying to make myself feel better too, but I think buying second hand makes a big difference in terms of environmental impact. And not buying fast fashion at all.

    15. I think I struggle with my day to day laziness versus my aspirations for my wardrobe. I aspire to: 1) only have clothes I love (but in a few sizes so I don’t hate myself when I gain weight); 2) be able to see everything in my closet/drawers so I know what’s there and don’t have “shopping in my own closet” moments; 3) wear everything I have; and 4) stop wearing the same like 3 outfits because they’re on top when I put away the laundry. Like, the woman I want to be wears a variety of outfits. The woman I am grabs the last thing she felt good in, which I just wore a few days ago.

    16. KonMari herself says that if you love your clothes you should keep them.

        https://konmari.com/konmari-is-not-minimalism/

    17. I don’t feel this way, but if your finances are fine and you have the storage space for the clothes, I don’t think it’s a big deal. In the Before Times I spent an absurd amount of money on travel because it made me happy. If clothes make you happy, so be it!

    18. I don’t really try to limit what I buy generally, but I do try to limit what I buy to things I love that fit into my current life. I work from home (even pre-pandemic) and teach fitness classes, so I live in leggings, sports bras, and sweatshirts. I have a lot of these, and do upgrade to newer styles so I fit the part where I teach. But I don’t buy any other kinds of clothes and am happy to rewear older dresses/jeans and sweaters for other occasions (weddings, the occasional dinner out). I also don’t necessarily stay away from fast fashion. A lot of my wardrobe is old navy, and I haven’t had a problem with most pieces falling apart. I’ve still got clothes from law school that fit fine (shorts, tank tops, etc.) that I wear. I do avoid most trends unless it is athletic wear only bc I have no place to wear trendy things as a 35-y/o in a small-ish town.

    19. I have a ton of clothes and luckily a ton of storage. Every season I rotate out huge bins of things and am getting excited to see my warm weather clothes! I definitely have dresses that I wear once a year (but 10-15 years in a row). My favorite clotheshorse story is a local stylish octogenarian who keeps a note pinned to all of her dresses and adds the name and date of every event to which a dress is worn.

    20. I own so many clothes! It is a result of living in a 4 season climate and having had the same size and style for … 30 years, and only throwing things out if they are worn out (almost, anyways).
        I also wear all my clothes – In fact, right now I have maybe 5 pieces of clothes that has never been worn. 4 of them are because they are bought out of season and I am waiting for that season to arrive. 1 is because I haven’t been to a proper galla for a few years:-)
        I’ve been tracking my wears for a few years, and due to the fact that I buy mostly second hand (lower prices) and I keep my clothes for so long, the cost per wear is usually reasonable. And I agree with a poster below, some clothes may only be worn once a season, but they still make me happy, so they stay.

23. I finally decided that I needed therapy a few months ago, but whenever I call they say they’ll have someone call me back and they never do. And then I call back to follow up and they say someone will call me back and they never do. rinse and repeat. I’ve tried multiple providers now. Is this normal? Eventually I just get busy enough and stop following up but I really need therapy…

    1. They are all overbooked right now and have no incentive even to maintain wait lists. It is impossible to get in to a therapist even with a referral.

    2. That’s been my experience, too. Combined with the fact that one of the issues I’d like to work on is persistent feelings of invisibility/irrelevancy, that’s… not helpful.

       1. “persistent feelings of invisibility/irrelevancy”

          Wow, you just nailed what I’ve been trying (struggling) to put into words for months now.

          1. Usually being able to hide in plain sight is an asset for me – I sometimes joke that invisibility is my superpower, but lately not so much. Hugs from this internet stranger.

    3. Maybe try someone with an online appointment portal?

    4. When I was looking for my therapist, I called and emailed 11 different places and looked online for referrals. I got call backs from maybe 5 of them, most of which told me they were not accepting new clients. I would suggest broadening your search to more places. I eventually matched with my therapist via zencare dot com.

    5. do you have EPA? Our EPA service has a list of people who do video appointments who they refer new clients to. They actively worked to build out the list in the last few months.

24. I could use some gift ideas! My friend is newly pregnant, and has been struggling with the worst sickness. She has been in and out of the hospital because of dehydration, which is of course terrifying at this stage. Sending hugs and kisses over the phone only go so far. I have loved and used the cookie card recommendation from the hive, but that is not an option now obviously. Flowers seem… distant? What would you get her? TIA!!

    1. Ginger candies/lollipops and a lavender shoulder wrap?

    2. A dear friend of mine suffered her whole pregnancy with hyperemesis and everything made her sick. Someone moving in the bed. Any smell (literally any smell). TV. Reading. Showering. So if you friend has this, the only thing I would suggest is weekly cards of encouragement.

       1. This. All of the things listed, except fortunately reading, made me vomit. Cards would have been lovely, or even text messages.

       2. I had hyperemesis and the constant vomiting was interspersed with VERY specific food cravings. I drank gallons of lemonade and so many wheat thins it was scary. Ask her what (if anything) sounds good to her. Generally sour candies, very bland carb-y things (hence the wheat thins) and citrus flavors are well tolerated. I would have been SO touched and grateful if a friend put together a box of my go-to foods, fun stupid magazines, and maybe a baby name book? So she can focus on the ‘fun’ stuff.

    3. I’m in the first tri and quite nauseous. First, this is so sweet of you. I’m assuming this is her first, otherwise I’d say things to entertain older kids!

       um, I love a good mindless read or tv show recommendation right now. so facilitating mindless entertainment on her ipad in bed? I’m not sure exactly what I mean by that, but that’s my happy place. Maybe even doing a facetime date to watch a show? Like Ted Lasso is great right now. And if I don’t have something I”m into, I end up mindlessly scrolling insta and facebook way too much because I’m miserable and that just makes it worse…

    4. Can you send something that lightens the load at home? In the worst days of the first trimester I could work and sleep and eat crackers and that was basically it. It was rough to not be able to do dishes, carry laundry, fold laundry, wipe down the sink, find my glasses without help. My partner would have loved someone to take care of his dinner one night so he had a moment to pause from housework and taking care of me.

       1. +1 I commented above about mindless tv but will also add my DH is carrying a heavy load right now himself. A meal would be really thoughtful, even if she barely partakes!

          1. (and congrats anon!! Best wishes for baby’s health and for the nausea to get better. I’m at 14w 3d and there are more good days than bad ones now!!)

25. My niece is a twenty-one-year-old college student and has recently been diagnosed with cancer. She’s undergoing treatment while living at her parents’ house but may return to campus before semester’s end. I’d like to do something kind and supportive but am really drawing a blank here. So many of the standard “sorry about the chemo” gifts are kind of old lady-ish. Any ideas?

    1. Check out if Emily McDowell’s cards and gifts might work for her age!

       1. +1

          I had a cancer scare at 22 and while waiting for results I did a lot of googling and all the cancer advice I found was geared towards older people. Emily McDowell has really great sympathy/this sucks cards. Would recommend.

       2. +1 million. I LOVE Emily McDowell stuff as a woman with a chronic illness and as someone whose best friend died of cancer at age 25. They’re realistic, they aren’t sappy BS.

    2. Makeup was a big hit with my mom. Fancy moisturizer, eyebrow pencils, lashes, the works. That is probably a know your niece situation, though. Maybe cute loungewear? Fancy designer scarves from hip brands?

       I think the American Cancer Society may have resumed their Look Good Feel Better classes. They’d give you a boatload of nice makeup, like Chanel.

    3. Honestly, a heartfelt card is such a pick me up. Dropping a meal or having food delivered to the house is a good option as well.

    4. is the chemo making her feel sick? if it is, probably not food or anything scented. if it isn’t, some sort of spa at home kind of kit, like face mask, lotions, etc. hard to say what she likes/doesn’t like. does she have Netflix, Hulu, etc. – bc some kind of subscription? also, maybe something to help out her parents, like a gift card for food delivery. not sure who the target recipient is. so sorry, cancer sucks, especially someone so young. i hope that her treatments are successful

    5. I bought a barefoot dreams circle cardigan (featured here) in black for my friend who was recovering from surgery and she loved the gift.

       1. +1 When I was on some really strong, chemo-strength IV antibiotics a few years ago I lived in an oversized Gap cardigan. I would have loved a barefoot dreams cardigan.

    6. Maybe a gift card to a place with natural cosmetics and lotions? Chemo made my husband loathe most commercial scented products and he borrowed all my hippy stuff.

    7. Giftcards for Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, Uber, Lyft, Seamless or Grubhub. Transportation gift cards are helpful for the many appointments.

       The best gift I got was actually from my coworkers and free – they crowdsourced a list of all their favorite books, TV shows (including where to watch them), podcasts, and audiobooks. Whenever I needed to kill time, which was all the time, I had this amazing list of recommendations. It’s an unformatted Word Document and like 15 pages long and I share it with other cancer patients regularly! So you could coordinate something like that from your family.

       Other things I liked –
       (1) If she has a port, a cute port accessible sweatshirt
       (2) If she is going to lose her hair and would be into it, a fun wig (I was gifted a blue one from herwigcloset on Etsy that I still wear all the time) or cute hats (I liked thin jersey beanies)
       (3) Giftbaskets of snacks, which gave me something to put out when I had visitors (less likely during COVID0
       (4) Stylish matching sweatsuit set. I like Monrow for this but you can get really cute, cheap versions at Target. I retained a ton of water from the steroids + chemo so leggings were very uncomfortable and loose clothing was much appreciated.

       1. If you end up needing ideas for clothing that’s line-accessible, please post. When I had a Hickman line, I had a couple of nursing tops that improved my life by a LOT- didn’t have to take off the whole shoulder of a top or my whole top to access my line. I also really, really liked any sort of zip or button up tops because anything pullover was a pain in the ass when I had an accessed central line or IVs. Ideally with loose sleeves so if can slide easily over an IV, picc/mid-line, etc.

          I also got a poncho in one of those subscription boxes. Hated it until I realized how totally helpful it was when I was tangled in lines to just toss over the top rather than fuss with a blanket or robe (although I did really, really like the target robe I got).

          I was always cold, so anything warm and loose was a good bet.

26. I have a meeting with our CEO later this afternoon to discuss a lateral move into a different department. I have a few questions already, but wanted to see if there are any obvious ones I’m missing? I plan on asking about the boss, growth potential, responsibilities…anything I’m missing? Any ideas?

    1. Objectives of the role, perhaps, and how to measure success.

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