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My family and I have always loved my LeSportsac bags for travel – they're great for “extra” bags (the ones you shove in your suitcase just in case you need an extra bag on the trip home), for carry-ons, for stuffed animals, etc, etc. (They're also incredibly durable; ours are at least 15 years old.) The one thing we don't love about them: the lack of a travel sleeve to slide them over the rolling suitcase.
So I've kind of been on lookout for a similar lightweight bag that DID have a travel sleeve, and got this one about a week ago. The nylon is nice and sturdy, and it really does pack into that tiny little pocket on the front. Plus: travel sleeve!
Is the bag as fun as my huge LeSportsac bags with crazy prints? No it isn't — but it's also a heck of a lot cheaper. The 22″, 50L bag is under $20 at Amazon.
(If you DO want a LeSportsac bag with a crazy print, I see that the newer ones now have a travel sleeve.)\
P.S. Happy Diwali to those who celebrate!
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
anon
I’m looking to spruce up my toddler’s room. (It looks a bit boring right now, and we limit what we have hanging on the walls near his crib due to earthquake risks). Can anyone recommend some fun wall decals (removable) that you like? There are so many options on A-maz0n, so I would love some recommendation (doesn’t have to be from there). Thanks!
Anon
You could maybe also do something like macrame or felt banners as wall hangings that wouldn’t be dangerous in an earthquake.
anon4
No help with the decals but we just painted the wall a fun pattern when we had similar earthquake concerns and a crib. The really easy version of that is to buy one or more stencils (we had some cool flower patterns that we painted in different colors), or the harder version which we did for first kid when we had more time was to tape out a whole-wall pattern with laser level.
Anon
I painstakingly cut fish, sharks, whales, and mollusks out of some ocean themed wallpaper when I was expecting my daughter and created a border around her room, right under the picture railing. That was 20+ years ago, the house has been sold twice since we sold it, and I check zillow every time. Fish border still there. It’s really a lot cuter than it may sound from this description.
Anyway, now there’s no need to cut. They sell decal art that attaches to the walls, is not an earthquake hazard (I’m also in EQ country) and also detaches easily for when your kid changes his mind, which he will. I’d do that today, and happily not spend hours with the x-acto knife DIYing it.
Anon
I love this story!
Anon
Wall Pops!
Walnut
I’ve had great luck with RoomMates brand decals on Amazon. I’ve bought multiple designs across multiple years. They hang up and later peel off easily.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B00K1FVSLO
Anon OP
Perfect, this is what I need! (Although I love all the ideas in thread, and I want to see the ocean themed cut outs described above. I have no time to recreate that, though!)
Anokha
We’ve done decals before, and had luck on Etsy + Blik!
anon
Need help with a shopping challenge – wedges/boots to wear to a burial in 40F, that will also be appropriate for old-school catholic mass (e.g., combat and chelsea boots are out). Not a tight budget (less than 500), and soft comfy leather is priority. What shoes am I not thinking of?
Anon
Did you look at La Canadienne or Blondo?
Cat
Aquatalia black suede knee high flat boots – look dressy enough to wear with a wool skirt to the office.
kids
+1
Anon
I don’t know why combat and chelsea boots would be out for this occasion. I just attended a similar catholic mass and burial and the attire was all over the place. No one would have noticed your boots.
Anon8
I would look for something like the Cole Haan Valley bootie
Elle
Marc Fisher glorify boots. I just bought them and found them very comfortable
Anonymous
Munro American is where I’d check, maybe their Devon. They are by far the most comfortable pair of heeled booties I own.
Anonymous
You would be fine in Chelsea boots in an outdoor burial in 40 degree weather.
We had a very formal burial for my grandmother and many people were in snow boots + fancy outfits. It was Connecticut in March.
Dr. The Original ...
I read that as asking what to bury a 40F in and I thought, FFS, let her wear the d@mned combat boots if she wanted, Catholic mass be d@mned!
Also, I’m so sorry for your loss. <3
Anon
I just wore Blondos for this occasion. They’re also what I wore when visiting Italy in December (for going in and out of churches all day every day even if it was cold or wet out, since they’re waterproofed).
Anonymous
I’m not sure if I’m asking for advice or just screaming into the void. My mother has a habit of bringing up disagreements from the past but changing key details to make herself the good guy and me the bad guy. When I was a kid she would harp about broken crayons (that were over 30 years old and brittle by the time I got them). She occasionally still brings up various exes that she always knew were no good (that she encouraged me to stay with/berated me for leaving). Most recently she decided that, 10 years ago when I bought my house, she gave me the down payment and she was the only reason I could afford my house.
In fact, she promised me a large sum of money, let’s call it $50k, to help with the dp, but she never actually gave me a dime. After I signed the contract and I was going through underwriting, lender asked for paperwork from her and she said no and then refused to give me any money. I was obviously frustrated at the time but it’s her money she can do whatever she wants with it, the house is my responsibility not hers. So I moved forward with closing with only my savings, which was tight and I paid PMI for a while but whatever. Still much cheaper than rent. The fact that she is now claiming that she gave me the $50k that she never gave me is infuriating. No wonder other family members think I’m spoiled, she’s running around telling them she gave me all this financial support and they can’t understand why I don’t give her credit! I wonder if she told them she paid for my school too – when I had $200k in student loans. Infuriating, absolutely infuriating.
Anonymous
No advice, just commiseration, my family does similar stuff to me and it’s exhausting. I don’t have a solution because if I call out the lies or bring up proof I’m being ‘crazy’ for ‘needing to be right’. So idk I guess making up lies is cool, but the truth is too far.
OP
Yeah this is exactly right. Everyone always believes her and they don’t care what I have to say. It’s much more peaceful to just change the subject. Auntie: your mom has been so good to you! Me: I’m very grateful for the wonderful life I have, how are your kids?
Fwiw I knew my husband was the one when he said, wow your family is kind of mean to you. Everyone else always says my mom is so nice they can’t understand why I’d have issues with her!
Senior Attorney
Oh, that’s infuriating.
I think I would calmly correct people if it came up. “Actually that’s not the case. There were discussions about her helping me with the down payment but it never actually happened.” And just repeat as necessary without going into detail. Maybe adding “I have no idea why she told you otherwise” if appropriate.
I feel for you. My parents decided, after they had simultaneous health crises that meant they could no longer live independently and I had to find them a spot in assisted living on an emergency basis, that what really happened was I came to their house one day and said “Pack your bags, you’re moving to my town for no reason.” Gah…
No Face
Oof, that would make me so mad.
Short, simple, straightforward corrections in a bland tone can go far.
Mom: I have you $50k blah blah blah i’m so great.
You: Mom, that never happened.
Mom: That Bobby was always no good!
You: You said he was the son you never had.
Mom: No I didn’t!!!!!
You: *has already moved on emotionally from this conversation*
Auntie: You should be so grateful that your mother paid for your college!!!
You: I supported myself with student loans, actually.
Anon
I would do this, in front of your relatives. I would continue to do it. You need to shut your mom down and you can greatly reduce contact with her if she continues in her delusions.
Anonymous
+1 I doubt you’re the only one your mother treats this way. I bet your relatives will believe you based on their own experiences.
Anon
This is exactly right. My mother does this, too, and the best way to handle her is to raise an eyebrow and say “uh huh.” It’s awful, because she’s always perfectly right in retrospect, even down to her “psychic dreams.” Weirdly she never tells anyone about the dreams before they “come true.”
I’m mostly irritated that her parents paid a LOT of money for stuff for me when I was a kid, and she now takes credit for it. When they were alive, 100% of the people involved said they paid; now that they are not around to correct her, she was living on noodles and beans to give me horseback riding lessons.
Aunt Jamesina
Hmm mom, that never happened. Perhaps it’s time we spoke to your doctor about your memory loss?
Kidding. But OP, I’m so sorry. That must be infuriating.
Anon
Hmm mom, that never happened. Perhaps it’s time we spoke to your doctor about your memory loss?
Kidding. But OP, I’m so sorry. That must be infuriating.
Anon
My sister does this to her kids, talks about all the sacrifices she made for them, when those sacrifices actually came from other people, primarily our mom, who could afford it less than my sister could (both time and money wise.) She loves to brag about the one kid out of four who actually completed college and how she’s so glad she’s off the hook for tuition, when she was never on the hook, and in fact it took him 8 years to graduate because he has been supporting himself since age 18. It’s all a cluster, and my sister has distanced herself from people who know the truth (our brother and me)because she doesn’t want to be called out on her lies. All but one of her kids has very very low contact with her. I recommend the same for you.
Anon
You might some catharsis on the raisedbynarcissists subreddit.
Anonymous
How soon is too soon to quit a job?
I’ve been in my job less than a year, and in the last month or two, the environment started to get unbearably toxic.
People that have been known to be awful at their jobs and moved to different roles within the team are now running the team unofficially and people that have been known to be aggressive and ragey are the official “feedback givers” while the manager focuses on keeping his (new) manager happy by tracking, measuring and generally adding unbelievable amounts of bureaucratic work for everybody.
Anon
I posted this very question last week and then updated early this morning! I’ve been at my new job for almost 6 months and I don’t like the role or the company. I got some thoughtful replies last week (it was the day Liz Truss resigned, so someone joked 44 days is long enough ha). I also put a lot of thought into it this past weekend and decided it’s not worth being miserable just to make it to X number on my resume. I’d put out feelers for your next step and look around to see what’s out there. Good luck!
Anon Aussie
So glad you’ve decided to move on and wish you every success and happiness! You too, OP, you can do it!
Anon
I don’t have ADHD but my daughter (key thing) does. Unlike the stereotype of boys with ADHD, she is inattentive and can use all of her energy just keeping her focus in school. She gets frustrated, but tries to be a good student. It is exhausting to her. Her prior ADHD meds, first prescribed by a general pediatrician, then a NP, then another NP, then a pediatrician, and finally a psychiatrist, never really “worked.” At first, I thought she was too young to have words for what she was sensing, but now as a middle-schooler, I think she is articulate enough to believe that her reports of nothing happening are accurate. And per parent friends who have ADHD boys (where are the other girls???), it is a night and day change when you find the right med. For any ADHD readers: for meds you have that worked, was it a dramatic change? The psychiatrist thinks that our prior problems were from a rotating cast of providers who were generalists, perhaps not getting the dossage right (and not just that the med was wrong). I hate playing guinea pig with my daughter, who is exhausted more and more as school gets harder each year. I don’t have this in my makeup (am plagued by unceasing allergies though), so I may just not know enough. But for lived experiences, what should we even be looking for? I don’t want to waste an upcomign 30-minute visit or have to keep trying things that just don’t work.
Anon
Yes, diagnosed with inattentive type as an adult and meds have worked for me. The effect usually weakens after taking them for a while, though.
Does she have any interest in sports by any chance? Looking back, I’m pretty sure the only thing that kept me functional was daily exercise in the form of swim practice, which I absolutely loved.
Anon
What is it like when it works? Is it like you can focus on things you find dull in the same way that you can focus on things that are interesting? That is the closest analogy that I can think of.
Anon
Yeah, I think that’s a good way to describe it.
Anon
The meds didn’t work well for me. Turns out I needed B12 shots of all things. Apparently B12 malabsorption can exacerbate ADHD to the point where meds don’t work, and with ADHD, we can have a malabsorption deficiency even when our B12 levels look okay or even high. I have no idea how rare or common this is though.
Anon
How did you ever find that out? This is the second time in as many days as I’ve run into people who had a nutritional problem that, when fixed, made the ADHD bearable.
Anon
Honestly it just got worse and worse until I also developed nerve damage, and then I didn’t have much to lose! So I started the B12 shots for the neuropathy, but then my focus, memory, sleep, mental health, etc. improved too.
In retrospect, it would have been smart to just try the B12 shots sooner. I think most of my doctors simply didn’t know that it is sometimes possible to need B12 shots even when B12 levels aren’t low (honestly I think most of my doctors don’t know much about ND health period; it helped when I got a primary care doctor who happens to have ADHD too).
Anonymous
Yes, the dosage has to be right. A difference will be immediately obvious to the child and will probably be obvious to the parent.
Anonymous
My boys and I have all tried and failed at stimulants like Adderol/Ritalin/Focalin. My youngest has been doing the best so far with guanfacine. You might also want to look into combination therapy before you keep upping the dose (where you mix stimulants and non-stimulants).
If she’s on a 504 you can ask the school for accommodations like skeleton notes, preferential seating, maybe even hardest classes in the morning when her attention is at its best.
I recommended it last week too – the free tracking log from ADDItude is great.
https://www.additudemag.com/download/adhd-medication-monitoring-log/
ADHDnon
Speaking with a psychiatrist is definitely the right move. Aside from medication recommendations, make sure she’s getting enough sleep, exercise and a good diet. None of those things will ever “cure” ADHD, but lacking any one of them can make your medication ineffective. Additionally, some foods counteract stimulant medication, like foods high in VItamin C. Try and take a holistic approach and see if it helps. I have ADHD and felt like my stimulant medication wasn’t really working, but I realized my ADHD is really really exacerbated by undereating. Foods high in protein and high in fat really help my medication be most effective!
Anon
This kid is probably the best eater in the house — likes “whole” foods like roasted chicken, sweet potatoes, broccoli, cheese. We want to get her more active, but with a long school bus ride delivering her home at dinner, it gets hard for a kid not into organized sports as the days get shorter. We are trying track, so we will see how that goes. She is pretty good re sleep hygiene, but the pandemic gave them school chromebooks with unlimited YouTube and OMG that is such a hard habit to break (they do homework on a chromebook portal to their school, but give themselves lots of breaks. ugh.).
Anonymous
I don’t know if you mentioned her age and I missed it, but I have a child that has ADHD like behavior, and will probably be eventually diagnosed. She can’t do much in the way of organized sports after a long school day BUT gets great exercise. After years of fighting this battle, we have had success with:
– having her “assistant coach” my older daughter’s soccer team. I’m one of the coaches. She sets up the cones for drills, stands behind the goal and gets all the balls, runs warm ups (picks them then does them with the girls), and does other. Inc tasks for me. When/if she gets bored, she grabs a soccer ball and runs around the field with it.
– swim team in the summer. She loves it and even when she doesn’t, she has to keep swimming! Otherwise she sinks.
– she and I are training for a 5k together. We picked “couch to 5k”
And she loves (a) getting better (b) playing in the app and (c) beating me.
– we have a basketball hoop in the driveway. My other kid plays on a team but this one never liked it. She LOVES shooting baskets (alone or with friends) and will do so for a full hour after school. Same with bike riding and roller blading.
– she goes to almost all of her siblings’ sports games and plays HARD with other siblings. They do a lot of tag/chase type games. It’s one of her fave things to do. My son plays lacrosse and during the games the little siblings “work out” ie throw balls at the rebounders and do push ups. It’s hysterical.
Anon
My daughter is 21 and finally getting her ADHD sorted. She wasn’t diagnosed until high school because she was not a hyper little boy who couldn’t stay in his seat (which is so funny, because that was my son, but he doesn’t have ADHD.) She has Girl ADHD, which is really hard to get diagnosed. Her ADHD is of the inattentive/distracted/zoning out variety.
First of all, we went to a behavioral pediatrician for both diagnosis and initial treatment. We didn’t rely on our regular pediatrician for something this major. No, the behavioral pediatrician didn’t take insurance. We did get some reimbursement from our insurance company by submitting her bill ourselves, but it was that whole out of network/deductible thing.
Now for some bad news. Her prescription was for generic A d d erall. It’s really difficult to get, which I’m sure you know. A parent has to be with the child to pick it up, during business hours. They will only give you a 30 day supply. They will not mail it. You have to get a new physical prescription when the refills run out, and it’s not usually a full year of refills. At one pharmacy, I had to demonstrate I was the parent. It’s all a process.
My daughter got depressed and stopped eating on A d d erall the first time around. She went into therapy for depression and anxiety (another out of pocket experience!) and made marginal progress, but when she finally stopped taking the A d d erall on her own accord, without consulting us, the clouds parted and she was no longer depressed. I will say there were other specific things going on in her life that certainly contributed to her depression (a toxic group of friends and a cheating boyfriend) but going off the A d d erall made it easier for her to handle all of that.
She’s in her senior year of college now. Last year she found herself struggling with inattentiveness and impulse control again (are you familiar with the intense cleaning binges in lieu of homework?) and said she wanted to give A d d erall another try. She was legally an adult by then so it wasn’t really up to me, but I was nervous about the depression/eating disorder thing happening again. So far so good. She only uses the drug on weekdays now, when she has to be in class and turn around assignments. She gives herself weekends off both the drug and the homework, which means being extremely organized during the week, so she can sleep better and just chill a bit.
It is so frustrating getting a girl help for ADHD so I totally feel you there. My daughter is compliant and never disruptive in class, so she was the kid who slipped through the cracks for way too long.
Ash tree
from my experience, the right adhd medicine feels like peace in my brain. My brain isn’t trying to process too much information all at once. everybody is different so it does take a lot of trial and error.
Anon
I’m the poster from this morning who is applying to a Big Job tonight that is probably out of reach for me, but applying anyway. I’d welcome all application tips, especially ones that made you, as a hiring manager, notice a candidate before interviewing them. Has anything ever stood out to you in a candidate’s application package (resume, cover letter, etc)?
NYNY
A brief but thoughtful cover letter is great if you can explain why you are interested in the role and what you bring to it. And a clean resume that’s easy to read and is targeted to the role is key. But the best move of all is if you know anyone in the company or have any connection to the hiring manager, use it. There is so much noise in the hiring process which leads to good candidates being screened out and bad candidates passing the screening. Anything you can do to jump the line is worth it. (I hate that I have to say that, but it really is true!)
Wishing you luck in your search! You’ve got this!
Anonymous
I remember an amazing sample cover letter on Ask A Manager. Not one you can copy, because the point is to be personal and specific to the job you want, but if you can find the section on great cover letters on that page, it might help.
Anon
When I helped my boss hire someone in the past, I was AMAZED at the number of people who didn’t follow the simple directions on the job advertisement (to email their resume and cover letter to my attention, with a specific subject line). Frankly the small number of people who managed to do that got my attention.
Anonymous
One problem I have as a hiring manager is that HR has zero clue what we actually do and what our needs are, so the candidates who get through their screening are often … bizarre. I would make sure your resume and cover letter and application have whatever language is necessary to pass any automated or human screening and make their way to the hiring manager’s desk. Once an application gets to me, I am impressed by a well-written cover letter that is tailored to the position and shows an understanding of what our organization does and what the position is.
Anonymous
It sounds like you need an HR Business Partner.
MidWest
Talent Acquisition screens applications…the HR Business Partner helps make the offer! (I wish I was making this up….)
Vacation
What’s the longest vacation you’ve taken from a job? I get plenty of PTO and used to be able to carry over 10 days…but next year I won’t be able to. So I’ll have to use all of it plus 8-10 days (I can’t find a way to take more time this year!). I’m thinking of taking just a huge chunk together—it might in some ways be easier because they’d have to find backup for me. My European colleagues have definitely taken crazy long vacations like that but…
Anon
I’ve taken two full weeks (10 business days) a few times. Once in Big Law for my honeymoon (acceptable), once at Big Law when I knew I was on the way out (people grumbled but it didn’t matter) and once at another law firm when I was also on the way out.
Now I’m in higher ed with very generous PTO. It would be no big deal to take 2-3 weeks, but I usually only take 1 week at a time because I like being able to take lots of trips, and we mostly go to Europe or the Caribbean, which is very doable in 1 week from our part of the US. We’re planning to go to Australia in 2024 and I will take at least two weeks for that.
Anon
I think a 3 week vacation, planned well in advance, is totally reasonable.
Cat
2 weeks (9 business days + 1 holiday) is the longest I’ve done. Very much know your office on a longer trip. I’ve seen a few people do like 3 weeks mid-summer and they got a ton of eyerolls bc they just didn’t check email at all and then returned and wanted all their work (like drafts that had come in from the other side but ignored) turned ASAP. Um. No.
Anonymous
I take 4-5 weeks every summer, and up to 10-14 days in normal season. 1-2 days in high season.
In Europe.
Anonymous
That last sentence is a game changer.
Anon
I work for a state university. We get 5 weeks of vacation plus a Christmas-New Year’s closure. People use their vacation leave, but mostly for weeklong trips, long weekends and random days off like when the public schools are closed for teacher workdays. I’ve never really heard of anyone taking longer than 2 weeks off at once unless they were going to visit family in a foreign country, and in that case there’s usually some remote work involved so it isn’t all vacation. That said, things are really slow from mid-December to early January when university classes aren’t in session, so if you stacked vacation leave with the holiday closure you could probably do 3-4 weeks off then without creating too much drama.
Anonymous
I took 2 weeks in Big Law but that only worked because I had it planned and gave notice before I started at the firm and because I wasn’t fully integrated into the firm when the trip happened. In the 7 subsequent years, I took one week once and canceled at least 5 trips at the last minute.
Anon Aussie
Six weeks, using a combination of paid and unpaid leave. I travelled around India.
I have also taken a month off to go to Europe.
Anon
i work for a private university and i took 3 weeks this past summer. didnt do anything particularly exciting, basically went to visit family on the other coast. next summer i am hoping to take 4 weeks bc DH has a sabbatical
Anon
4 weeks, but it wasn’t something I’d be able to do every year.
Anon
Just over 2 weeks. I’ve never had a long vacation in my life, sadly.
Anon
I find that there are really diminishing returns after about 7 days. I love anticipating and taking vacations but after about a week I’m ready to go home. I only take more than that if I’m traveling really far from home.
Anonymous
I take a 2 week vacation every summer and 1-1.5 weeks over the holidays depending on how they fall. I’m a biglaw partner and I’ve had this vacation schedule since I was a senior associate. The key is that I’m never truly disconnected at least not for more than a day or two, I’m always reachable in the event of an emergency and I check in to move things along at least twice a day. I don’t put in full days of work while on vacation, though. (Knock on wood).
A
3 weeks. Not in the US.
Anonymous
Hey ladies- I need to crowdsource some help.
What are the best dating sites and apps for people in their late 40s? My favorite cousin is going through a divorce, and finally ready to move on. He’s asking me where to go to “get back out there.”
Thing is- I have no idea! Met my husband at a party, the old-fashioned way and haven’t used online dating in 10 years. My friends (early 30s) use Tinder and Bumble, but idk if that’s popular with his generation.
He’s loyal, smart, fit, well-traveled, and has a fast-growing business. Only drawback- he likes to live in the middle of nowhere. Help me get him back into the dating scene!
Anon
I would say Hinge!
Anonymous
Has anyone tried Match in a while? So many crazies when I did it years ago…
Anonymous
I think a lot depends on location. I am divorced, mid-40s, NYC suburb and had the most luck with Bumble. Lots of nice first dates, and currently in a one year+ relationship. I found the pool on Hinge to be much smaller and the people less responsive to messaging etc. However, I have friends in other geographic locations that swear by it.
Anonymous
I met my partner on Bumble 3 years ago–I was 49 at the time. I liked it because it women had to initiate. Some of the dating resources suggest using 2 or 3. FWIW, Damona Hoffman has a podcast and website and offers some really good dating advice. It might help him to do some reading or listening to prepare.
Anon
I am freezing for seemingly no reason today! It’s definitely fall where I am but it’s also unseasonably warm (high 50s!) , I’m dressed for the weather, my heat is on but I’m freezing!
House is set to 71, I’m in leggings, a sweater and socks and wrapped in a blanket and am still cold. Any ideas on how to warm up?!
FWIW, I always run cold so I don’t think I’m sick or anything. Just having trouble warming up today.
I could take a hot shower if I need to, but I’d like to hold off until after I run after work.
Vicky Austin
Tea! (or hot drink of your choice)
Anon
warm beverages, and have your feet in a double layer of socks. If your feet are cold, you’re not going to be able to get warm.
Anon
You need to move around. Just sitting leaves me freezing, but exercising or any kind of movement warms me up right away- cleaning is great for this! Also, leggings aren’t actually that good for staying warm, unless they’re fleece lined or otherwise fairly thick, so my summer leggings are definitely different from my winter leggings. Even sweaters vary a lot in their warmth- synthetic ones are fairly useless, cotton is moderate, and only wool keeps me warm. As for footwear, I wear smartwool socks and slippers. Socks alone aren’t enough if it’s actually cold.
brokentoe
Scarf around your neck. Warm socks + slippers. Lap blanket.
Annony
I get like this sometimes and the best way for me to warm up is to actually go outside and stand in the sun. Otherwise, no amount of layering or heat will warm me up.
anonymous
a warm hat helps me
NYNY
I’m searching for a good source of merino wool sweaters. Somewhere in the haze of the past couple years at home, moths seem to have discovered my sweater storage and it’s pretty grim. This is what Lord & Taylor was for, and without it, I’m a little lost. Thanks to perimenopause, cashmere – which is ubiquitous this year! – is too warm for me. Banana & the Gap have some, but I’m hoping for more colors. Any good sources?
PolyD
I swear that sheep must have become endangered, because it is more and more difficult to find wool. Maybe Macys? Bloomingdale’s?
I’ve seen people post here about Woolovers, but I have no experience with them. Maybe Boden, but they seem to have moved to wool blends, too. Talbots? Lands End? LL Bean?
NYNY
Right? Where did all the wool go?
Anonymous
Counterpoint: I cannot find any sweaters that don’t have at least 5% wool or cashmere, which renders them unwearable for me.
TrixieRuby
This is an outdoorsy brand, but minus33 makes great merino wool–washable. Also, WoolX, and other outdoors brands.
Anonymous
COS has some cute basics in merino, so does uniqlo
Anonymous
Quince has some, but I haven’t tried them. I was reasonably happy with their cashmere before moths got to it. I also liked Uniqlo merino before moths ate that. I’m giving up and switching to cotton I think; my apartment is currently so overheated it is hard for me to imagine I will want something warmer at some point this winter (I’m also in NYC).
NYNY
I have some Quince silk tops that I like, but find a little short (and I’m not tall!). How do the sweaters run? And I completely forgot about Uniqlo – will definitely look there. Thank you!
Anonymous
Not sure – the sweater i have is meant to be long – open front cardigan – and it is, but I’m short waisted. The silk T I have from Quince is quite long on me, and the sleeveless silk top is a normal length
Anonymous
Uniqlo, Gap, H&M even.
IL
The majority of merino sweaters in my closet are from Brooks Brothers, but I have been drooling over the ones in the LL Bean catalogue this year.
Anon
Alex Mill. Vince.
NYNY
Love Vince, but didn’t see merino when I checked. I’ll look again. And will check out Alex Mill. Thank you!
Anonymous
I think you should consider silk, as well, including wool and silk blends.
Anon
Woolovers
Anonymous
Maybe try second hand like Ebay or Poshmark? I’ve gotten into shopping second hand lately and I got a Lands End cashmere sweater in good condition for $30. I am sure you could find 100% merino wool if you are patient enough and shop brands you know.
Anon
Put wool and other animal fibers in a ziploc and freeze them for 3 weeks. You don’t want to be bringing someone else’s clothing moth larvae into your home.
Anonymous
LL bean has a cotton and cashmere one – low on cashmere.
Celia
Vince has some amazing boiled wool sweaters this year.
anon
Wool& specializes in merino everything
anon
What kind of gift can I send my 30yo sister-in-law having her thyroid removed? She is anxious about the surgery and after that, anxious about recovery and if her levels will get normal again. This is after a lot of struggle with her levels that obviously it has come to surgery. Of course I will emotionally support her but I’d like to send her some stuff. She loves flowers so I will send, but are there other comforts I can send while she is recovering at home from those that may have experienced this in the past?
Nina
Had my thyroid removed in 2016. She will need to protect her scar from the sun, so a light scarf or sunscreen would be practical. Otherwise smoothies and nutritious drinks that are easy to swallow with a sore throat help!
Anonymous
My friend had her thyroid removed a couple of years ago. I put together a little kit for the hospital for her of things I used during a hospital stay – biotene (for dry mouth), chapstick, hand lotion, hard candy to suck on, etc. I would add some food for home.
Curious
Maybe a long phone charging cord?
kids
This hospital care package idea is outstanding.
Anonymous
I’m going to get my teeth whitened in about a week at my dentist’s office and have been told I can ONLY eat white foods for 2 days after. so… hit me with your best ideas! So far I’ve got mashed potatoes, protein pudding, greek yogurt… would chicken or shrimp count?
Vicky Austin
I’m sure chicken would count if not gussied up with sauces/marinades…though that doesn’t sound very nice. Thank goodness 2 days isn’t long!
Anon
I’m very into cottage cheese these days. A lot of protein and relatively low cal. I like it better than yogurt.
Anon
also, these
https://www.safeway.com/shop/product-details.960063114.html
trust me!
Anonymous
pasta with alfredo sauce, all the pale cheeses, egg white omelettes, baked potato soup
Anonymous
oh and oatmeal
Anonymous
Cauliflower, mushrooms, parnips, celery root, Jerusalem artichokes, rice, vermicelli, cod, haddock, crab, turnip, egg white, cheese….
Anon
Tofu, rice, pasta in cream sauce.
Anon
I just want to warn you for how much your teeth might hurt the first day! I had Zoom done at my dentist’s office and literally the air touching my teeth was enough to hurt them later that day. As it turns out, I’m sensitive to teeth whitening though. Good luck!
An.On.
Buttered toast? Cheerios in milk? Cheese quesadilla, with chihuahua cheese or similar?
Anonymous
Bananas, apples, vanilla ice cream, potatos au gratin (surprisingly easy to make), white rice, cauliflower (I would roast this), chickpeas, milk, mushrooms. Good luck!
JTM
I’m traveling for work and have learned that my cheap Old Navy backpack isn’t cutting it anymore. Any recommendations on a chic backpack for work that also has a trolley sleeve? I’d love it if it’s something in a store that I can pick up while i’m on my trip, rather than ordering something.
Anonymous
Your best in store bet is Tumi. If you’re open to ordering I love Lo & Sons
Anon
I like Timbuk2!
Aunt Jamesina
I have one from Everlane that I really like.
Anon
Dumb question from an American to the UK readers – did government agencies previously called things like “Her Majesty’s Treasury” change to “His Majesty’s Treasury”? I can’t find anything on the Treasury website that actually spells it out.
Vicky Austin
When I google “his majesty’s treasury” it suggests “government department.”
Anon
I’m an American but my mom is British. Yes, everything changes. Even their national anthem changed from God Save the Queen to God Save the King.
Anon
You’d think it would be listed somewhere on the Treasury website though? I can’t find any instance on the website that spells out the “HM” part.
Anonymous
Yes
Anonymous
Yes.
Luckily HM is the abbreviation of both Her and His Majesty. :)
Here’s some examples that do use the full name:
https://www.gov.uk/government/ministers/first-lord-of-the-treasury
https://www.civilservicejobs.service.gov.uk/csr/jobs.cgi?jcode=1818404
https://www.gov.uk/government/news/hm-law-officers-sworn-in
Anon
I saw some really gross bullying and shaming of a woman sharing that her husband was 7 years sober on the morning thread. Just want to say that 7 years sober is huge and congratulations to you and your husband. And no, you are not “settling for an addict.” That’s a disgusting thing to say and I hope that poster gets serious mental health. She is probably single, alone, and sad about it, and is so judgmental no one is able to love her so she tries to apply her angry, black-and-white thinking onto strangers’ relationships. That woman is disgusting and I hope no one reading that who has addiction issues or loves someone with a history of addiction took it to heart. You’re loved and valued!
Anon
This would have been so much better if you didn’t try to bully the bully as payback.
Anon
Exactly what I was thinking…”You’re loved and valued! But not if you’re that poster…”
Anon
Eh, I agree with this poster that woman is horrible and it’s sad there are people like that out there. We shouldn’t normalize toxicity like that and calling it disgusting when it is doesn’t seem like ‘bullying.’
Anon
“Single and alone” isn’t the cute non-toxic gotcha you seem to think it is.
Anon
+1
This is so cruel in and of itself. Tell everyone out there who is single that it’s the worst thing that could happen to you and you’ve probably done something to deserve it.
Also I’m not sure what “get serious mental health” means. And this automatic response that anybody being a jerk has mental health problems is problematic. Mental illness doesn’t make people jerks, and this kind of response implies that it does.
Anon
Some of us would rather be single than married to a guy with serious problems.
I don’t want to be married to an alcoholic who only sobered up because I gave him an ultimatum.
I don’t want to be married to a guy who can’t “relax” or attend a party without smoking weed, or getting sloppy drunk.
I don’t want to be married to a guy who weighs 400lbs in the hopes that he won’t end up with horrible health problems and/or die early. (See also: marrying a smoker, or a “casual” repeat recreational drug user.)
I don’t want to be married to a guy who doesn’t care about his health on any level and won’t see a doctor or dentist, even with ultimatums involved.
I don’t want to be married to someone who has serious mental health problems and won’t stay on his meds, or get intensive help so that he can get better.
Some of y’all are married to some pretty questionable men and think, somehow, it’s better than being single. Then we read story after story after story about how your husbands won’t take care of themselves, won’t listen to you despite repeated begging, you’re worried about what will happen if they die or hurt themselves, you don’t know how you’ll explain it to your kids if Daddy dies young, etc. I don’t think it’s setting an unbelievably high standard to ask that a partner be able to be clean and sober and take basic care of themselves, and I also think it’s completely fine for people to say, well, if I can’t find someone who cares for himself at least as much as I care for him (or as much as I care for myself), I’ll stay single.
Anon
Thanks you!
Anon
I both hate using “single and alone” as a slur, because plenty of truly wonderful people are single and just can’t find the right person, but also do understand that there are some personality traits that are not compatible with long-term relationship happiness. One of those is the complete inability to just let it go, and if you’re the kind of person for whom seven years of sobriety isn’t good enough, you’re probably not forgiving enough to be in a long-term relationship.
Anon
What is so horrible about saying 7 years isn’t that long in the scheme of a lifespan? No one said it’s not an accomplishment to be proud of, but in terms of relapse risk it’s also not the same thing as being 40 years sober.
Anon
Is that what you think this says?
“Glad that settling for an addict worked out for you? I guess?”
Anon
The comment was about “congrats on marrying an addict i guess?” which is just like unbelievably mean and honestly kind of dehumanizing. That someone can be 7 years sober and still reduced to “an addict” you’re settling for is awful. Implying someone has a lifetime relapse risk and therefore will never be safe to marry is also very very unfair. You’re not permanently marred because of a history of addiction, nor are you unlovable or have to be settled for.
Anon
Wrong. People who have been sober for seven years very rarely relapse.
On a human level, you’re also wrong. If you can’t trust someone after seven years, maybe that’s your problem.
Anon
+100
Anon
That was gross. Seven years is a long time, unless you’re talking about plate tectonics. It’s insane and cruel to say that someone hasn’t proven themselves after seven years. It’s also inaccurate – about 10% of addicts who make it to five years relapse.
Anon
10% seems…not low. Especially if you’re talking about someone who is potentially the other parent of your kids. I feel like if you don’t want kids it might be different because you can walk away at any point if the relationship is no longer making you happy. But when you have kids with someone, you’re tied to them for life and really closely tied for 18+ years. I’d be very hesitant to do that with someone who has a 10% chance of a relapse that could destroy our lives together and negatively impact our kids’ lives as well. Sorry if that sounds harsh to you, but to me it just seems practical. There are so many great men out there who aren’t addicts.
Anon
The average man has a 50% chance of cheating on you – does that mean you just won’t date a man?
The average man has a 33% chance of becoming prediabetic. 20% of people may develop severe mental illness.
Etc, etc. 10% is really not that high if the person is otherwise great. People who haven’t yet sought recovery also have a fairly high chance of developing addiction later on.
People aren’t perfect. If someone chooses to be forgiving of someone in recovery, I don’t understand why there is so much cruelty around that decision on this site.
Anon
Thank you – you said this better than I did.
Anon
Have fun marrying someone perfect with perfect genes and perfect health and perfect job security and parents who completely take care of themselves and are never a burden.
Anon
Yeah, not wanting to marry someone with a history of addiction is the same as expecting your partner to be perfect. /s There are tens of millions of straight single men in this county and it really wasn’t hard to find one who wasn’t an addict.
I’ve never heard a statistic about 50% of men cheating, that seems completely made up to me and certainly hasn’t been my anecdotal experience in my friend and family group. But even if it were true, no, that doesn’t worry me the way addiction does. Cheating is immoral and can lead to divorce but it doesn’t have the same impact on kids that addiction does.
If addiction isn’t a dealbreaker for you, great! You do you. But people are allowed to have their own dealbreakers, and calling me an awful person for saying addiction is one of mine based in my childhood experiences reflects far more negatively on you than on me.
Trish
Married to my husband who I met when we were both sober one year. Our 23 year old son is sweet, athletic, smart, and he has a full social life, a lovely girlfriend, a full time job and he’s in graduate school. He’s never seen his parents drunk and we broke a cycle of family dysfunction. I am glad anon at 7:36 pm is not in our circle of friends because she sounds awful.
Anon
Hope posting this hyper-emotional little screed made you feel better, but I think the people doing the “gross bullying” regarding marrying an alcoholic were making some good points. And that you’re angry because some of that advice hit a little too close to home for you. Which is your issue, not anyone else’s.
Anon
Eek you sound like a disgusting person. She married someone who’s been in recovery 7 years. You’re cut off from your own capacity to have emotions and I imagine have a very limited life.
Anon
Strong agree. That woman should seek serious help. Cruelty like that is inexcusable.
Anon
Cruelty is not okay. But neither are the judgements/ speculation made about the person who posted the questionable comments. As I learned in kindergarten – two wrongs don’t make a right.
Anon
I think it’s fair to say the woman was clearly projecting something onto someone else. It read as “you’re happily married? let me try to devalue your partner based on stigmas that should really no longer be politically correct.”
I don’t think OP here was trying to say being single or alone is bad. Just that it’s a possible explanation for that level of vitriol against someone else’s relationship (i.e., to resort to the stigmatization of an entire category of people).
Anon
And you are also projecting meaning. And why assume it is a bitter, single person wanting to tear down a married person? Could be a married person ( happy or unhappy). Someone is a current or past relationship with an alcoholic. Someone trying to be mean. Or multiple other scenarios.
Anon
How am I projecting meaning? It’s awful to say someone inherently isn’t worthy of love or capable of being in a healthy relationship because they have a history of addiction. I’m not reading into that by saying so.
Dr. The Original ...
Or maybe the person is perfectly lovely and the child or ex of an addict who was speaking from lived experience and/or from a place of pain. Or maybe the person is struggling with addiction and this is what she thinks her partner/spouse is doing.
We can love on one without hating on another. We can assume good intentions even when we don’t know what they are.
Whether you are the OP of the discussion or the person who wrote the response, you are loved and valued!
Anon
You’re amazing.
Anon
+1. I think there’s a tendency here to assume that the more blunt comments come from “trolls” or bitter people who are just making $hit up, but I think a lot of time they come from people who have very relevant lived experience to the situation that’s being discussed. I’m thinking specifically of the thread about Alzheimer’s caregiving from a couple months ago, but I think it could apply to this thread too.
I didn’t comment on the morning thread, but count me as someone for whom past addiction would probably have been a dealbreaker in a relationship. I had a relative with addiction issues – not a parent/spouse/sibling, but a close enough relative that I saw too much and was put in situations a kid should not have been put in. A 10 percent risk of relapse does not seem low to me. While I don’t believe addicts deserve to be punished for their past, I also feel like it’s my right based on my own lived experience to choose not to enter into a relationship with a recovering addict.
Anonymous
It’s very kind to denounce negative posts, and I agree, seven years sober is a great achievement, worthy of congrats!
But I think it’s also worth considering that people who have had addicts in their life or grown up with addicts might have less patience and more self-preservation-at-all-cost instincts. I assume somebody with bad experiences and hard-won independence when I see some statements.
Anonymous
I agree that person was rude and unkind, but so is this. Let’s try to remember that sometimes the test of kindness is how we respond to less than kind people. I am humbly working on this. I’ve also written some less than kind responses to less than kind people here.
Curious
+1. And I’ve (mostly unwittingly, I would like to believe) said unkind things to start with.
Notagirl
WTF did I just read? Are roughly half the posters above in on some kind of trolling prank?!
I don’t even know how many time the word “disgusting” was used in this thread to describe actual people who read and post on this very place.
OP, when you re-read your own comment and some of the responses, do you feel that may be expressing your frustration in such a hateful way is not exactly conductive to people feeling “loved and valued”? When you feel hurt, there are other ways to stand up for yourself or others than being passive-agressive – that is a very unhealthy and unproductive way to be.
We all need to chill – with a cup of tea or glass of wine, but chill a bit and may be it will be easier to be kind as you probably were trying to be before agression overcame you.
Anon
Has anyone dealt with vivid nightmares that leave you feeling drained when you wake up?
I’ve talked to my doctor, examined all the medications I’m taking and am careful about what I watch/read/listen to before bed but I can’t figure out how to stop them.
Anonymous
See an actual sleep specialist. They can treat this. (I suffered sleep paralysis on waking–different type of sleep disorder–and feel SO much better now.)
Anon
May I ask what some of the treatment suggestions were for your sleep paralysis?
(My sleep specialist was helpful with a lot of sleep hygiene type recommendations, but offered nothing at all for my sleep paralysis, and I’ve been wondering if I should get a second opinion.)
HR Huffnstuff
A little late in the day, but has anyone had any luck getting an iPhone unlocked after terminating the employee who used it (their work phone)? I wasn’t present for the termination and the manager turned over the phone to me without a passcode. I’m not sure the former employee will return my call asking for the passcode, and hoping that doesn’t mean I’m holding a worthless brick now!
anon
If it’s company-owned, wouldn’t your IT department have software on it that would allow them to wipe and reset it?
Anon
You fired the employee. You’re not on good terms. I assume you fired them for a good reason, but I wouldn’t expect them to be generous with you about the phone at this point. Enjoy the paperweight.
anon
You can check with HR if this is a thing, but maybe you can tell ex employee that the cost of a phone replacement will be deducted from their last paycheck if they don’t give you the passcode?
Jade
100% illegal, but do try this if you want to not get the passcode AND cause huge headaches for your organization.
Anon
Given how far in advance payroll is normally processed I really doubt this is possible.
Anon
Not in many states.
Cat
It’s a work phone that was purchased on your corporate account? Surely your company is therefore the actual owner of the phone and could contact Apple or the reseller in question to get a reset? I’d check with Procurement.
Anonymous
I think she wants to see what’s on the phone, not reset it so someone else can use it.
Anonymous
Thanks all! Employee phoned me back with the passcode, so crisis averted!