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Updated: Oct 25, 2022 261 Comments · by

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: The Greenwich Blazer

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Ttan faux-suede blazer with Notched lapel. Long button-open sleeves

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

The color and cut of this Ann Taylor blazer might make it the most versatile item in your closet this fall and winter. The “washed tan” color is a neutral that plays nicely with a wide range of other colors, and the cut would look great with pants, skirts, or dresses.

I’d wear this with black or navy basics, or purples, creams, and blushes to bring out the pink undertones.

The blazer is $208 at Ann Taylor (but be on the lookout for sales) and comes in sizes 00–18 and petite sizes 00–16.

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anon

    Please tell me about your robot vac! Is any brand better than another, ex. ecovacs vs roomba? How do they handle transitions between rugs and hardwood, furniture, cat hair? Is it worth it to pay for an upscale model with a camera? or just get the ones with beacon thingies? Do the ones that vacuum and mop, do both these things well, or is the mopping function not worth it? Do they break down a lot, how costly is maintenance and how long do they last?

    We have finally decided we need one to keep the house reasonably clean on a daily basis. We have two floors, open plan on the main floor, and a cat. Tons of cat hair and dust and much fewer spills. Cat very rarely spits out a fur ball or vomits a bit if she overeats, buy we could run the vac while we are wfh (someone always is). Budget is up to may be 1K (but would prefer to spend less).

    • Anon

      It probably works great with an open plan. I live in a traditional home with walls and furniture is relatively crowded and it was a nightmare.just kept bumping into the same chair and couldn’t find its way home.

    • Anon

      We have a similar set up- two floors, two cats, WFH. We just bought our second roomba. The first one was great and I really had zero complaints about it. It lasted nine years and we replaced lots of parts, but finally decided to spring for a new one because it needed new wheels and a new battery and we still weren’t sure if a new battery would solve a charging issue, and at that point it was almost as cheap to just get a new i3 on sale ($250). I’m not loving the new one, though. It does a great job of cleaning, but I’m always annoyed with it. It’s louder than the old one. The bin is smaller, so it fills up constantly, but doesn’t tell you it’s full. It makes a mess every time you empty it (we didn’t get the auto-empty thing because we run it manually while we WFH and didn’t think we needed it, but I’m getting very annoyed at having to sweep up every time I run it). There’s also no more battery indicator and I can never tell if it’s charging, so once it went dead. All of that is to say that based on my first experience, I definitely would have recommended a roomba and said that you didn’t need the all the automatic stuff if you WFH and have two floors (you have to run it manually anyway, since it won’t have a dock on both floors), but now I might tell you to also look at other brands.

      • Anon

        I should add, though, if this was my first roomba, I probably would think it was fine. It just seems worse in comparison to the old one, which seems shocking for it being almost a decade newer. Tech usually gets much better, not worse! And maybe the tech is better, it’s just the the other parts they’ve deliberately made worse.

    • Shananana

      I bought the newer shark with the external dust receptacle that empties itself (giant fluffy dog and two cats to keep up with) and have been happy with it. It won’t replace the need to vacuum for real for me once a week or so, but it keeps the dog hair tumbleweeds at bay on my open plan wood floored main level. I looked at all the mopping versions, and just couldn’t find one that was rated well enough to make it worth it, the consensus seemed to be buy separate robots.

    • Anon

      I have a 2 year old Eufy, which I run daily for cat hair. I like it a lot but it gets stuck going from room to room. Several of my rooms have thresholds, which it doesn’t handle well. It sometimes get caught in carpet fringe too. I only run it when I’m home, not overnight or out of the house, so I can listen for the stuck beeps and fix it.

    • Anon

      I have two cats and two roombas – one upstairs and one downstairs. I love them. I like my 600 bump and turn series more than I like my 900 mapping series. They don’t get stuck regularly, and I’m in an old house with lots of doorways.

      I don’t tend to use them on a schedule when I’m away. I pick up whatever room I want them to clean and start them up.

      One thing I like a lot about them is that you can work on them. I haven’t had to do any major repairs in the 5+ years I’ve owned them, but I have replaced brushes and filters, and everything is available online. My 900 series once had a battery issue and when I called them, a person answered the phone and walked me through the steps to take out the battery and reset the machine. An actual person.

      Overall it has been great owning them and my house is much cleaner.

      One thing you’re going to have to get used to is how full the bin will be after you run it in a room that you thought was clean. And run it again. And again. I had zero idea our regular vacuum was missing that much!

      • Betsy

        I agree with all of this, I have the roomba 675 and I adore it. It does train you to keep your rooms picked up a bit so that it won’t get stuck on things you’ve left in the floor – I consider this a feature, not a bug.

        I also have the braava and it’s fine. I’m not sure I would buy it again, it doesn’t really handle serious messes. Think of it like running a swiffer over your floors quickly, not any sort of deep clean. I usually run it once or twice between housecleaner visits.

    • London (formerly NY) CPA

      History of my robot vacs:
      1. When I was living in NY, I had a Coredy which I loved and thought it did a great job. Had to replace it when it ate my roommate’s macbook powercord and we could never get it out.
      2. When I moved to London, I got an OKP, which was trash.
      3. Within a month of buying the OKP, I bought a Eufy BoostIQ as a replacement, which is good but not great.

      A few things I’ve learned:
      – Don’t cheap out. Buy one of the nicer ones with lots of YouTube or other independent reviews, not just 10,000 fake Amazon reviews.
      – If you have rugs with fringe, a robot vac is not for you. When I had a rug like that, the vac would get stuck daily and I’d have to go rescue it.
      – You must pick up any cords (especially the skinny Apple phone/laptop ones!!!) before you run it
      – Don’t leave miscellaneous socks on the ground. They will get eaten or pushed far under pieces of furniture and you’ll only find them when you move out ;)

    • anon

      I have the iRobot 3 and have generally been happy with it, except for the Dog P00p Incident, when it found my dog’s doodoo and smeared it all over the house. All over. I kid you not. But Roomba has amazing customer service – they realized the robot was beyond rescue and sent me a new one as a warranty replacement. If I were to buy one now, I would spring for the more advance model that has a dog p00p sensor (so it knows to avoid it).

      I’m always amazed at how much the robot picks up – so much hair and dust. I run it almost every day. Super happy with it. It does get stuck here and there and the app sends me a message that it needs a rescue, but it’s not a big deal. It also has a habit of closing the bathroom door and getting stuck in the bathroom. But overall it’s great and has made our house so much cleaner day to day. (With a toddler and a senior hairy dog, it’s a life saver.)

    • Anon4

      Love the upgrade to the one that has a bin it can self empty into – before that we couldn’t do the whole house while away without needing to come back and empty it. They do poorly with shag rugs but you can either flip up the ends of the rug, put out the beacons, or (way easier if you can swing it) get the upgraded model where you can just program mapped areas to avoid. But like others said, even the basic ones are a great upgrade from regular hand held vacuuming.

  2. Anonymous

    This looks good and current in the model. I am not long or narrow and feel that what is in shops now could not even be tailored to look good on a shorter pear. But maybe there are variants I’m not thinking of? On me, I feel like this is a step too close to the former ubiquitous HRC pants suit.

    • Anon

      This jacket would make my legs look like stubs. I can see it working for someone with long legs, but not otherwise.

    • ELS

      I second this as a fellow short-ish pear. The long blazer trend is not for me, which makes finding suiting for my job really interesting.

  3. Anonymous

    I am looking for books or blogs or other resources for stepparents who don’t have biological kids of their own. Anything you’ve found helpful or friends have recommended, appreciated!

    • Anonymous

      The book Stepmonster by Tuesday or Wednesday someone is really good. Not what the name implies at all.

      • Anonymous

        Yes. This book was so helpful! I also read StepMom magazine for a while at first, but that book is really where it is at.

  4. Anonymous

    We purchased a small (three seat) sofa. One of the seats has an attached ottoman so the entire thing is an L shape. I am a “put my feet up” person and my husband is a “coffee table” person… but he also likes to put his feet up. We are kind of, good nature fly, jockeying over the ottoman side. I’d like to purchase an ottoman we can pull in front of the other two seats, he wants to buy a coffee table. We can’t find a matching ottoman so we would need to get a printed one, storage ottoman, or of course a table. Any anecdata about which is better?

  5. Jane

    What do yo do when you feel just “done” with it all? I am already on SSRI but due to a couple of major life events just feel done: with my job (which I usually love), health (hitting obese BMI at this point) can’t be bothered with exercise or nutrition (cant be bothered with meals just give me all the random snacks/crap), social life… my usual hobbies of reading and gardening also feel like a chore! My therapist (doesnt have an opening for next 3 weeks) just told me to come up with a list of small daily actions that bring me joy and I literally couldn’t think of anything except pastries!! SOS wise hive!

    • Anonymous

      If it’s just happened in the past 2-4 weeks then get a SAD lamp. (Signed, person who just put a reminder for late September next year to “don’t get sad and drunk like you do every October”)

      if not: maybe a pastry a day? will force you to find new stores or recipes, little adventure, research project. if there’s one or two shops in driving distance maybe a mini trip.

      • Cb

        Yes, I turned my SAD lamp on this am. And need to buy a new bottle of vitamin D for my office.
        I like the pastry a day, but only if you walk to it. You need outside time. Maybe bring a book and read?

      • +1 Anon

        Yes – this is my first year getting the lamp (I have the verilux) and maybe its placebo effect but I’ve been more productive and my mood is more stable. Not a dramatic change, but I’ve definitely noticed a positive difference.

    • Anon

      Forcing yourself to get out of the house for a walk — no matter the weather — even for 10 minutes — is the only thing that comes close to helping me with this kind of funk. Also drinking way more water and tea than I think I need to. And giving myself permission to rest (no screens, but just staring into space is totally fine). But it’s all so hard sometimes and I’m right there with you in being generally over it all.

      I’m currently reading Burnout by Emily & Amelia Nagoski and it’s helpful.

    • Anon

      SAD lamp.

      Make it a goal to walk a mile a day, ideally when the sun is out. At the end of each week, give yourself a treat – lipstick, nail polish, soap, shampoo. Then use it. Grooming is both a time suck and something that will make you feel a bit better.

    • Anonymous

      Here are some daily joy ideas:

      – dog (or cat) Halloween videos on tiktok.
      – take yourself out for one treat per day. Given your list of hobbies, I might suggest a trip to the garden center to buy some fall bulbs, or a new houseplant, or even a florist for cut flowers if planting seems like too much work. For me getting something alive really helps.
      If you live somewhere seasonal, take a walk once a day to leaf peep. Make a trip to the library to grab a book to read, even if you don’t read it.

      If you enjoy children, sign up for a trunk or treat or just attend to watch them in their Halloween costumes. Or visit a pet parade if animals are more your thing. One of my kids is being an Oompa Loompa for Halloween and it has cheered up everyone I’ve sent the pic to ;).

      • pugsnbourbon

        I like these ideas. The proliferation of animal videos is the best thing about the internet. Did you know that someone made their duck a raincoat? Someone else made overalls for their rabbit? Rain frogs look like hamburgers with butts? Incredible.

        OP, I’m really sorry you’re feeling this way. In addition to the SAD lamp and small treats, could you plan a trip? Science* says the anticipation of travel is one of the best mood-boosters. I hope you start feeling better soon!
        *I don’t have a source on hand but I can find one if you want.

      • ALT

        Ooooh co-signing the plant idea. Growing herbs from seeds has been such a joy to me…it makes me feel like I am succeeding at *something* when everything else feels like a dumpster fire. Or even getting some of the small plants from Trader Joe’s and keeping them alive is a joy. The amount of excitement I get from seeing a new sprout or leaf is…quite a bit.

        Would a pet be too much work or would that help? My cat is seriously the light of my life and it is so soothing to have a living being cuddle up with me. Maybe you would like a dog for the outside time and walks? You could try fostering if you’re not ready to commit to full time pet parenthood.

        • anon

          100% I think you should get a cat. I got one about 20 years ago when I was in a really bad place after a parent’s death and I swear it brought me back to life.

        • Anonymous

          My sister is bipolar and has a dog and fish. She says the dog is sometimes the only thing that gets her out of bed when she’s depressed.

          Fish might be a good baby step. Fun to watch, alive, but low maintenance. My 6 year old can keep them alive!!

    • Anon

      I think Gabrielle Union wrote about a similar situation in her book where her therapist asked her to write down 5-10 things that brought her joy and she couldn’t think of anything. I think trying to literally force yourself to do the things you don’t want to do will help. Hire a personal trainer to come kick you in the behind, enlist your SO to help you focus on a healthier diet, etc. If you can’t do it on your own, it’s ok to have other people step in. Once you start taking better care of yourself you will likely feel better. I’m not saying working out and eating vegetables will make you do a 180 and therapy is definitely needed here but I think that is a good starting point.

    • Vicky Austin

      Sunshine! Get some good outside time and see if you can add to your list after that.

      Also, there is zero shame in listing out the various types of pastries until your brain comes up with something else.

    • anon

      Right there with you. I’m trying to force myself to take a short walk every day. Cuddling with my cat in bed. I’m buying all the pre-made foods for lunches because I just cannot bring myself to cook more than dinner right now. I’m also starting a Vit D supplement to hopefully chase away some of the SAD.

    • Anon

      Ask your doctor about changing your meds possibly. They can stop working or you might need a bigger dose.

    • anon

      You say you “can’t be bothered.” Force yourself to do these things. You know that exercise, fresh air, and healthy meals will make you feel better. Sometimes you just have to force yourself. Also I think it’s a bit much to come up with things that bring you “joy.” There are plenty of activities I enjoy that are pleasant but I wouldn’t say they rise to the level of joy.

    • helloanon

      Here is my current list of small pleasures:
      1. Taking a walk outside to enjoy all the Halloween decorations and pretty leaves in my neighborhood. Getting into the fresh air really helps break me out of a funk.
      2. Buying a fancy sugar free syrup from World Market to add to my coffee. Refilling my nespresso pod stack to make lattes at home.
      3. Flipping through a glossy magazine.
      4. Scrolling insta for cute puppy pics and videos. BUT with a timer – otherwise you can turn into a scroll zombie.
      5. Watching something cozy or funny on TV – Reboot (Hulu) is hilarious if you haven’t watched it, and I find Escape to the Country (Britbox) very soothing.
      6. Watching my dog play with his friends and playing with them. If you don’t have a pet, I’m sure a friend who does would be happy to invite you over for snuggles or a walk!
      7. Doing the daily Wordle – it usually takes under a minute and makes me feel a little bit accomplished.
      8. Adding fun to my calendar, esp Friday evenings, even if it’s just setting aside time to watch a particular show. Right, now my Friday evenings are dedicated to watching the latest episode of British Bakeoff with a glass of wine, and I seriously look forward to it all week.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve been in the mental health field (management) for many years. What you describe is something I hear therapists describe nearly every day with their clients. Their advice is what your therapist said, which is to apply a “mental health band-aid.” That means do little things (key here is little) that you like and don’t stress over it. Go for the daily pastry and don’t feel guilty about it, take a short walk, watch a movie, etc. Do those little things until you can honestly feel like you are ready for more. That’s the point where you start to do the bigger things that take more effort and will have a more lasting impact. Don’t try to do those ‘should things’ until you are ready. A word of caution about this approach: if you feel you are going to a very dark place (i.e. thoughts of hurting yourself), then get help immediately- Call your therapist , go to the ER or call 988 (national suicide prevention hotline). You might also call your prescriber to ask about a med adjustment.

    • ALT

      Posting again but I was thinking about this while getting another cup of coffee and came up with some ideas:
      -can you buy an advent calendar with different types of tea/coffee/chocolate/hot sauce/whatever your thing is so you have that new box to open each day?
      -volunteering or making a donation to a worthy cause always makes me feel better. It doesn’t need to be much.
      -sometimes “exercise” as a definitive thing sounds and feels like too much. Can you do a “walk around the neighborhood to look at the changing leaves”?
      -slowing down and savoring things each day makes me happy—noticing how my coffee tastes, how the sun comes through my curtains, how cute my cat looks when he’s sleeping, the fuzzy texture of my favorite blanket, slowly chewing each bite of a favorite pastry and really noticing each flavor and texture.
      -giving myself permission to lay in bed and watch tv or lay on the couch for a set period of time helps. Part of my Saturday morning routine right now is watching the new GBBO episode with a cup of tea and a blanket. It feels indulgent, but when the episode is up, it’s time to do something else.

      Sending you lots of love right now…this is a tough time. Happy to chat if you leave a burner email!

    • Carrots

      For the meals, can you find a company that does the full meal prep and delivery for you? I used one of them recently when I was going through a similar slump and I remember saying to my therapist and nutritionist that it felt like I was failing because I had to use them. And they both very quickly and directly reminded me that it is simply a tool in the toolbox to use at the needed times. If you’re in the DC area, I used Vegetable and Butcher and they also offer breakfast and snacks. It can get pricey, so I only used it for a short time until I had passed through the slump, but it was a helpful reminder that it’s an appropriate tool, not a sign of failure (which was the language I had been using around it).

    • Anonymous

      You know how when your whole house is dirty you have to start with the dishes in the sink? i was recently feeling like you and I started with the weight. Nothing crazy but losing a pound a week now for seven weeks by simply prioritizing a daily walk, water protein and veggies. I just gave myself permission to focus on it and I think it’s been the right move. So I vote you start there.

    • JustSaying

      I have a somewhat unconventional idea for you, which could prove divisive, and YMMV: Try an Al-Anon zoom meeting. You don’t have to turn your camera or speaker on. I think many of the topics discussed have general application, and the focus of the program is on taking control of of your own life. It could be a good placeholder until your therapist frees up. Many meetings welcome observers. Anonymity is a core tenet of the program; so, you must be willing to respect that principle. You could also make a small donation to whatever group you attend to support the group back. Sometimes moving your body, while sage advice, seems too hard. A meeting is virtually zero effort. All you have to do is log in. It could be a push out of the place you’re in right now.

    • Anonforthis

      If you go to Etsy and search for pastry poster, you may find something that will make you happy? (It does me.)

    • Anonymous

      Ok, one thing that has helped me when all the “self care” seems really hard: stickers!

      Buy a calendar and small notebook that is a color you like. Buy 3 sets of small stickers for some habits that you think will make you feel better (e.g. stars for exercise, fruit for food, beds for sleep etc).

      When you get 20 minutes of movement outside of your usual day, sticker! When you set yourself up to sleep at least 7.5 hours (sufficient time in bed, wind down, no phone use in the middle of the night), sticker! It doesn’t matter if you get the sleep, the sticker is for setting up proper conditions. When you track all your food in the notebook, sticker! Note, the sticker is for the tracking, even if it’s not healthy meals.

      You are rewarding yourself for small actions that should hopefully help you on the road to being healthier AND hopefully help you feel better in the short term. They are meant to be achievable, so you repeatedly get the dopamine hit.

  6. Wireless bra

    I would love to find one that’s reasonably supportive (but not sports bra squishy downy) and won’t show “headlights”. B cup. Does anyone have a wireless bra they like for daily wear, including work? Or alternatively, ones to stay away from?

    • Anon

      I bought a few strapless padded ones from Etam: they hold in place and are supportive but not squishy.

    • Cb

      Oh I got the DKNY ones from TJMaxx, assume they are made specifically, and really like them. They are a bit of a long line which I find more supportive.

    • Z

      Aerie has a couple wireless styles. I have the “Sunnie Wireless Lightly Lined” in a bunch of colors. They are supportive (I’m also a B) and do not show anything, I wear them for pretty much everything.

    • PolyD

      I got some True brand bras from… Amazon, maybe? Or maybe Target or Nordstrom. They are supportive enough for me (32DD) and definitely hide the headlights. They are also extremely comfortable. Do I look better in a proper underwrite bra? Yes, but that ship has sailed.

      • Anon

        Second the recommendation for True. Buying from the True s!te is better than the Target version, although more expensive. I have both and they are all ok, but I am an A cup. The bras bought directly from True are more substantial – slightly thicker and softer material and less likely to stretch out.

        • PolyD

          This is good information – I bought mine from Amazon and Target because they were cheaper, but maybe I should try the actual True site.

          Still pretty decent bras, though.

          • Cat

            +1 on the “real” True bras being better fabric. I got mine from Nordst.om and find it nicer than the second one I purchased via Azn.

        • Hootster

          Interesting – as a counter example I originally bought True bras direct but have since converted to the Target version since they seem similar and way cheaper.

          Regardless, they are amazing.

      • Anonymous

        +1 mine are from NAS and I’ve been living in them nonstop since the summer. Thinking of paying full price (gasp) for another from Nordstrom.

    • Anon

      I almost exclusively wear the jockey generation natural beauty bralette. Very comfy, supportive (but not a ton of lift) and padded enough for no headlights (ahd I’m very headlight prone)

    • Anonymous

      Chantelle C Magnifique wireless bra (more support) or Norah Comfort (less support)

    • Anon

      The only one I’d probably wear to work is Knix. I’m pretty large of chest and I feel comfortable enough in them. I also like True bras, but I wouldn’t wear them out and about. They may work for you, though.

    • Anon

      I bought 2 True bras off AMZN, and one was much larger than the other despite being the same size on the tag. I like the one that fits. Good tip about buying from their site directly. Perhaps their quality control is better.

    • Anonymous

      True triangle convertibles are my favorite for comfort, but Warner’s Easy Does It Wire-Free Convertible Bra is more structured and looks great under clothes.

    • anon

      Not to threadjack – but does anyone have similar recs for an underwire bra (i.e. no headlights but reasonably comfy). I didn’t see any wired bras on True or I’d buy from there.

    • Anon

      If you’re really into fit, non padded bras usually fit better. I use silicon n1p covers when I’m concerned about headlights – the brand is n i p p i e s and I buy the non adhesive one. They are good for years.

    • Anon

      Evelyn and Bobbie Defy Bra. I’m an F cup with headlights and I’ll wear these for conference presentations let alone the grocery store.

    • Anon

      I got a couple from Soma a year or so ago, and I have been pretty happy with them so far.

    • Uniqlo wireless

      Uniqlo – cotton relax. Got it a couple years ago so not sure if it’s still around

      • OP

        Thanks for the suggestions, all! Lots to try; will report back if I find something great.

  7. NYGetaway

    Mohonk Mountain House vs. Miraval Berkshires: Looking for a long weekend getaway within a 3 hour drive of NY. I’ve seen both mentioned in the previous threads, but has anyone stayed at either property and can recommend it? (Or, if there’s a third option, happy to explore: Going with a girlfriend, and we’re looking for a hotel with meals on-site and a nice spa, along with hiking options). TIA!

    • Anon

      Mohonk is lovely. The food is good, but not out of this world if you are used to NYC restaurant food — just good. I didn’t try the spa when I was there (book ahead — it fills up) and it was foggy so we only did a small hike but it was great and the trails were well kept. The on site ice skating rink was also great — so nice to ice skate without the crowds! Lots of cozy and cute corners with fires burning to hang out in with a book or a drink or both throughout the building. Didn’t feel too crowded. After checking out, we perused some of the antique shops in New Paltz and came home with a number of lovely things.

      • NYGetaway

        Thank you! Did you do any of the activities at Mohonk? (e.g., yoga classes). If so, how were they?

        • Anon

          No — my trip there was a surprise from my husband and I didn’t know where we were going until we got close and I figured it out. So I didn’t book anything ahead of time. But he wants to go again and next time I absolutely will!

          The bar near the dining room was also lovely!

    • Anon

      I haven’t been to the one in the Berkshires but I loved Miraval in Arizona.

    • Anon

      I went to Mohonk summer off 2021 so it was probably different from what you might experience now since it was pre-vaccines, etc. I thought it was nice but the rooms weren’t anything special and the hikes were very easy. If you are an avid hiker looking for something challenging, you won’t find it there. I didn’t go to the spa or dining room because well covid but the Mountain View from the balcony was beautiful and I did love the kayaking and paddle boarding on the lake.

    • Anonymous

      I went to a conference at Mohonk 10 years ago and thought the setting was lovely, the hotel and food good (not spectacular) and the room nice (not spectacular). I was going for free so was probably not in a top tier room, but it wasn’t super luxe or anything. I think it is popular with families, but probably more in the summer or for school vacation weeks. I used the trails a bit by myself, but did not have time to use the spa or any group activities. It has a venerable New England destination for the upper middle class vibe, not luxe modern spa.

      • Anon

        The price is definitely luxe though – it’s regularly over $1k/night. I’ve debated going there, but the experience seems out of sync to me for the price. And I’m not someone who’s afraid to pay for a luxury experience. I’ve stayed at the Woodstock Inn and a Ritz in the Caribbean this year, but Mohonk just doesn’t seem worth it to me.

    • Anonymous

      Late but hopefully you see this. I’ve never been to Mohonk, but I’ve been to the Miraval property many times (before it became Miraval, during the renovations and once the transition was complete). The new rooms are lovely in a minimalist way. The bathrooms are amazing. The spa is great, and the location is convenient to a lot of different activities. Historically, the food has been delicious, although the last time I dined there was during the renovations, so I can’t provide a recent review.

  8. Anon

    I am in Europe and would like to escape for a few days for 3-4 nights. I have been to Prague & CZ, Slovakia, Italian Dolomites & lakes, Vienna & Austrian Alps, Budapest, Poland, Paris, Bordeaux, Amsterdam, Zurich, London, Scotland. I will go solo and will not have a car. Been to Barcelona, Madrid, Rome as a kid, so could do a repeat. Please, hit me with your inspo, I always get good tips here. Fine to do cities, museums, hiking might be an issue due to weather.

    • Cb

      Copenhagen? Stockholm? Or Lisbon if you want warmer. My parents live there and I found it pleasant even in the winter, but I’m coming from Scotland/Northern Ireland, so YMMV.
      People will recommend Belgium but snoozee…

      • Anon

        I absolutely loved Stockholm and Lisbon. Lisbon was my first solo international trip and it was amazing! Stockholm is also beautiful. You only need a few days in each city.

        • Anon

          Thanks, all 3 are on my “consider” list, just wonder about the weather. I don’t mind cold, but rain would not make me happy. I guess it’s a lottery.

          • Shanananan

            Will be in Lisbon in mid November and have been tracking weather and so far the rain is more of the it will rain every day in the morning and then clear up and be partly cloudy and mid 60s variety.

    • Anon8

      Mallorca! Amazing scenery, charming and beautiful historic towns, surprisingly affordable. I rented a car there but they seem to have a pretty robust bus system.

      • Anon

        +1 l. We visited Mallorca last summer and was really surprised by how much I loved it. I thought it was just a beach place with kind of a tacky vibe, but there are a lot of charming cities and some really nice scenery. Palma in particular is a really underrated European city imo.

        • Anon

          You know, I have never considered Mallorca for anything else than beaches, I’ll look into it, thanks!

    • Ribena

      Nice! It’s still warm there this time of year and I really enjoyed my trip there last month. I did a food tour with No Diet Club which was INCREDIBLE.

    • Anonymous

      Croatia! I’m just back from Dubrovnik and it’s perfect for that length of trip. Walk the walls one day, hike up to the cafe at the top of the cable car (book the cafe in advance it’s great views), go to Lokrum island which is a short boat trip and hike around that too. Tons of museums to see as well as lots more islands. I think it can be miserably busy peak summer so good to do out of season.

        • NYCer

          I would probably do Barcelona in November. Decent chance that weather will be nice-ish, great food, museums, vibe, etc. Lisbon is also a good option, but I just prefer Barcelona as a city vs Lisbon.

          I also love Dubrovnik and the south of France, but you are decidedly in the off season in both of those locations and not everything will be open. You could still have a great trip, but it might be better saved for a time when you can go in May/June or September/early Oct.

    • Anonymous

      Oslo – see the New Munch Museum, the new National Museum, a ballet at the Opera house (no language barriers), the Ekeberg sculpture park (hiking), the Vigeland sculpture park (regular park) and take the metro to the forest (20-30 minutes) for additional hiking.

    • Anonymous

      Innsbruck or Salzburg or the Bregenz region in Austria are all nice this time of year and easy without a car.

    • Anonymous

      Iceland! We did 4 nights in a November and it was perfect to do tours to blue lagoon, golden circle and south coast.(mini bus tours are similar price to coach trips but much better due to less people).

  9. Anon

    I want to get a new cognac-colored leather sofa that I expect to have 20ish years. Husband’s objection is that it is the color of our floors (more or less true). BUT the sofa is going to be on a rug that is already in the room with the current sofa (burgundy, falling apart, only one cushion sits level; other sitters lean in towards the middle). Rug is off-white with a design that is light brown (similar to floor color), medium blue, faded burgundy, but about 50% of the field is off-white. I think that this is enough contrast, but I am not a design-y person and don’t want to get this wrong.

    • Anon

      Can you take a photo of the rug, a photo of the sofa (from the web), and Photoshop the sofa onto the rug? This is the low tech solution if there is not already an app or a website that does this for you.

  10. In-house or out

    Can any lawyers share any experiences (personal or observed) with attorneys who have gone back to firms after spending most of a career in-house?

    Back story: After a few years in small-law general litigation, I took a job with a small firm that mostly did niche work for a large-ish non-profit, to the point we were almost like in-house. Eventually, the company hired us directly, so I’ve been in-house or almost in- house for almost a decade. I’ve got a good thing going – it’s a good company, I like the people I work with, I have great flexibility, and make enough to support my family. That said, it’s not perfect -I have a micro-managing boss I’m good at managing (and who I do like) but know will never “let me go”, I know my peers at firms are making a lot more money, etc. I like being in-house, and I find it hard to even imagine joining a firm at my level of experience (what would I even be? Associate doesn’t make much sense, but neither does partner (I would not be able to bring regular business).) I don’t think I’d move, but I’d like to understand more about what it would mean if I did.

    • Anon

      What’s your realistic assessment of the type of firm and work you’d move to? My experience is with biglaw, and I’ve only seen movement of this type into a role as pro bono lead (basically supervising & facilitating the pro bono work of other attorneys – very cool work but hard to get) or highly specialized work. I think the downside for those or other roles in a firm where you don’t have your own book of business is that you’re dependent on keeping other attorneys happy and that may require a lot of time/jumping when they need you/giving up control of your schedule, even if the money is better.

      • In-house or out

        I don’t want to say too much, but I have a specific specialty, but one that is very large, so there are a lot of firm lawyers in that niche. But I don’t know anyone who’s gone from in-house to firms on it (or really, anything).

        Would probably hate to give up the flexibility I have, but I feel bad about the fact that I know I could have been making quite a bit more. This may really be a ship that has largely sailed (please don’t tell my boss that, who mentions frequently that he wants to keep me happy for this reason!)

    • Anon

      In-house for 15 years, biglaw for almost 10 before this and you couldn’t pay me to go back to a firm. I’d look at other in-house roles first. You’re hardly at the only company with in-house lawyers and many are hiring remotely today too.

      • Anon

        I agree! And if you’ve got a speciality that would be attractive to firms, it’s likely it would also be attractive to other companies.

        I don’t know anyone who’s made the move you’re talking about, personally. I’m sure it happens, but I think it would be more likely to be a happy move if you go into it with more reasons you want to work in a firm besides the pay, especially when you make enough now to be content.

      • Anon

        I’m the anon above and agree, you couldn’t pay me any amount of money to go back to a firm and be expected to answer a 3 pm Friday call that would result in my weekend ruined because I had to work the whole time.
        FWIW, I took a big pay cut to go from biglaw to in-house, but felt like it bought back my time and some amount of autonomy. I don’t know if OP is struggling to the point that the missed dollars are affecting day-to-day life now or it’s a more an academic issue/road less traveled/what if? question, but it may not be worth it.
        Totally support looking for other in-house roles! There’s no reason to stay in a job you are unhappy with.

  11. flu shot

    Reporting back after my flu shot. I’ve had moderate body aches, nausea, and painful swollen lymph nodes for 36 hours. This caught me off guard because I get the flu shot every year and it’s the first time I experienced side effects. I still fully endorse it because the actual flu is much worse! My point is if you normally have side effects from the Covid vaccine I recommend getting both at the same time. I figured I’d get the easy flu shot out of the way then schedule my booster when I can afford to be out of commission for two days. Joke’s on me, now I have to go through it twice. Learn from my mistakes!

    • pugsnbourbon

      I got my covid booster and flu shot yesterday (almost 24 hrs ago). I did both in the same arm as I figured it’d be better to have one REALLY sore arm instead of two mildly sore ones.
      I felt like hot garbage last night and didn’t sleep well. I’m tired and achy today. So far no fever or lymph node issues. Both people who administered my shots said they were already seeing lots of flu cases. The immunization spot was hopping so they were glad to see it.

      • Cat

        Same strategy on the booster + flu. It took 4 days for my arm to stop hurting (day 2 was the worst!) and tbh my lymph node on that side was swollen enough that my snug tops felt like they would chafe my pit, but glad I knocked them both out, and without any other side effects.

    • Ribena

      Got my flu jab last Monday, only side effect is having a rough time with PMS now, which I have learnt is how my body responds to all of these things. Not eligible for a Covid booster sadly (U.K.)

      • Cat

        I don’t understand why the UK has such strict eligibility requirements still. I understood the rules when supply was limited in early 2021, and demand enormous… is booster supply an issue there?

        • Cb

          It’s a mystery to me. My husband and friends haven’t had a booster since December 2021.

    • Anon11

      I got my flu shot this year with no side effects, except for a slightly sore arm for about a day.

    • anonnye

      I also broke up the flu shot and the Covid shot this year because I was pretty sick doing them together last year, and the flu shot normally doesn’t bother me. But instead, I had a worse reaction to the flu shot than usual, so I think I’ll go back to getting them together so I have only one sick day instead of two.

    • anon

      I’ve had my philips goLite for like 12 years and it just works and works and works. Highly recommend, and stylish enough. Like that it’s not huge.

    • Ribena

      Related to this – I have an older Phillips Lumie wake up light (with a traditional bulb in it) and it gets so warm that I don’t like using it. Does anyone have a newer LED one – is my assumption that they don’t get warm correct?

      • OP

        I bought a no name one from Amazon a few years ago. Really like it, it doesn’t get hot.

    • anon

      I got the one wirecutter recommended (Carex Day-Light Classic Plus) and found it to be really large and unwieldy. My husband suggested attaching it to the wall instead of using it on our kitchen counter (where it was always in the way). We got a wall mount with an extending arm thing (I think it’s for mounting a monitor) and put it on the wall right next to the comfy chair in our reading nook. I’m now able to get it in the ‘correct’ position (slightly above my face, but pretty close) much more easily. In the ‘off’ season we take it down and store it in a nearby closet.

      tl;dr – whatever you get, make sure it’s somewhere you will actually want to use it

  13. anon

    Can I get away with wearing Chelsea boots with a lug sole to work, and if so, with what? Or are these solely a casual Friday option?

    • Anon

      I don’t see why not, unless you work in a super formal office. Just wear them as you would wear any other chelsea boot.

    • Anon

      I suppose it depends on where you work, I would wear that every day if I liked them. My office is sneakers casual though, so ymmv. I’d think fine everywhere but the most formal of offices.

    • Anon

      I would wear those with skirts. I have some Doc Marten boots that I wear with skirts and dresses. Not like an MM LaFleur dress, but something one step down from that. I like them with black tights.

    • Anonymous

      Depends on the dress code and how exaggerated the lug sole is. In a walking city you will see something like the Thursday Boot Co Legend, with an understated lug sole, just about everywhere with pants or dresses and tights on any day of the week. I wouldn’t wear it for true business formal. For business casual I wear a more dramatic lug-sole chelsea boot with a high, narrow shaft with black or gray jeans and a sweater or blazer.

    • Anonanon

      I’ve worn them with skinny black pants and a casual blazer. To me, Chelsea boots look best with a skinnier pant, but the blazer evens out the proportions on top and dresses them up. I’d also wear them with a dress, tights, and a blazer / sweater topper.

      These would all work in my slightly casual business casual office. If your office is more formal, then these are probably a Friday shoe.

    • anon

      Maybe – depending on how formal your office is and the climate you live in. If you don’t actually have winter weather, to pull off formal takes a more creative-type look — think Moira, than Zoey Deschanel, on the feminine side or otherwise, a more androgynous men’s wear inspired look or an architectural businessy dress with tights + boots. Otherwise, if you have winter, you probably get more grace on shoe choices and they would work along with any other commuting book.

  14. anon

    Are there any drug pricing/government price reporting lawyers in the Hive? Exploring this as a practice area & would be interested in hearing your thoughts/if you like it/etc.

    • NYGetaway

      I’m not — but I’m adjacent and have colleagues who are (in-house counsel). It’s such a niche area that lawyers are in high demand!

  15. pugsnbourbon

    Sale alert – Eddie Bauer is having a 50% off sale, which includes the hive-approved Girl on the Go trench.

    • PolyD

      I rage-bought one during the 2022 winter sales (rage-bought because I was so sick of the pandemic seeming to be never- ending) for 50% off. Forgot about it until this fall, when I pulled it out for a trip that was going to feature temps in the 50s up to the high 60s and rain. I now understand why people rave about this coat! It has a full lining – not just the torso, also the sleeves – and is warm enough for damp, chilly 40s-50s weather (and possibly slightly colder than that with a warm sweater). It has a hood! Without the lining, it makes a nice coat for warmer high 50s- low 60s weather.

      And mine is a really nice blue-green-teal color. Highly recommend!

      • Vicky Austin

        I was just thinking how I need a midweight coat nice enough for work that isn’t my old scrubby windbreaker! Thanks for sharing, PolyD. I’m off to go see what the options are.

    • Anonymous

      I also have a NWT one on Poshmark if anyone is looking. Just want it out of the house so make an offer.

  16. Anonymous

    Has anyone washed a Lo and Sons weekender bag (I think that’s what I have, it’s the tan canvas kind). It says you can’t on their website but I have black marks all over it from a recent flight (not sure how that happened). Thanks!

    • RR

      Yes. I got some blue stain on my Catalina and ran it through the washer and air dried. The stain did not come out, but the bag was fine.

  17. Anon

    As much as I love my Adidas sneakers, I think I need to replaced them after this week. What is a good simple casual stylish sneaker? Not a running shoe or anything like that.

    • Cat

      Adidas are still stylish casual sneakers IMHO…. and they dropped Ye…. so what’s the issue?

      • Anon

        That they waited to drop him until it was clear that the public backlash was forcing their hand. They dropped him because of $$$, not because they immediately said “Oh, no, he’s a bigot and that’s not okay with us”.

      • Anon

        OP here- SERIOUSLY!! It took them how long to drop him? And they only did it after public outcry. We basically forced them to do it. They were more concerned with their profits than with doing what was right. Please go speak to someone who is Jewish and ask them why they are still outraged. I’m so disappointed that you don’t get it.

        • Anon

          I’m Jewish and not dropping my Adidas sneakers, which are super cute and comfortable. They’re not profiting from the sneakers I already own….

      • Cat

        oh ok I wasn’t following the exact timeline closely – sorry. Co-sign the Veja and Grandpro recs.

      • Joan wilder

        The issue is it took them since a October 6 to “review” their relationship with him after his heinous behavior because… profit.

          • Joan wilder

            Other brands managed bc to drop him a h*ll of a lot quicker and presumably have the same general sorts of obligations. Don’t tell me that a behemoth like this didn’t protect their rep with including ways in their contracts to be able to drop him in less than 19 days.

    • Anon

      I like my Cole Haan grandpro sneakers. Also like the Tory Burch Hank and new Ladybug styles.

    • RR

      I’ve become hooked on Kiziks, which is that brand that lets you slip them on while they are still tied. They are cute, surprising comfortable, and so convenient. I wore them all over Italy this summer, and they were amazing.

  18. Anonymous

    Long shot, but any recommendations for a recording of Messiah with a really great female alto soloist? Half the recordings I can find have male altos and all the female alto soloists I can find are just meh.

    • Josie P

      You could try the one by Boston Baroque or the one with Clare College and Rene Jacobs – the former is more what I prefer (still too much vibrato but oh well) and the latter is darker.

      • Anon

        I love that this is a community where someone can ask a relatively obscure question like this and get a very specific, detailed answer. Big heart to both of you – this made my day.

      • OP

        Thank you! The Boston Baroque soloist has the lighter approach I am looking for but I agree that the vibrato is what I am trying (as yet unsuccessfully) to avoid overdoing. So many performances are just so very heavy and it really weighs down the parts that should be joyful.

    • Anon

      There are recordings of Marian Anderson singing He Was Despised and and He Shall Feed His Flock.

    • Anonymous

      Carolyn Watkinson in the Christopher Hogwood version from 1980 is very lovely. (Christ Church Cathedral Choir in Oxford and the Academy of Ancient Music.)

      You can find it on apple music or youtube.

  19. Anon

    How long did it take for antidepressants to work for you? I got on meds at the advice of folks here, and I’m taking Prozac. My mood is maybe slightly better, but could be placebo, but my gardening desire is nonexistent, and the garden is very, very dry. I told my doctor who said it’s a common side effect. Has anyone else experienced this? It’s becoming a problem. I feel guilty that I’m not in the mood for a week at a time with DH, who is very supportive thankfully and isn’t pressuring me (he just wants me to feel better). My doctor increased the Prozac a few days ago, and we have another appointment in 2 weeks. I haven’t noticed any changes yet.

    • Anon

      The same thing happened to me with Prozac. I eventually tried Lexapro, and it’s been much better. It took a few weeks for me to feel better, and then I raised the dose at my psychiatrist’s suggestion (I’m on 15 mg) and felt even better after a few more weeks. I’ve now been on Lexapro for 3 months and feel like a new person.

    • Anon

      It is a common side effect, and for me it has not gone away. I’m coming up on 3 years without gardening and I’ve barely noticed. I’ve been on meds too long to remember how long it took for them to work though. Definitely a few weeks at least.

    • Anon

      Very common side effect for SSRIs to totally kill libido. If it bothers you, you may want to know that it can persist a long time after quitting them. Sometimes adding Welbutrin helps.

    • Anon

      About a week for me, even though it’s supposed to take much longer. Maybe it was placebo effect, but I felt better so quickly. I take wellbutrin, so none of those kinds of side effects.

    • Anonymous

      Sexual side effects are very common with SSRIs, and unfortunately tend to persist, unlike most of the other side effects that tend to go away after a few weeks. It was very hard for me to come when taking SSRIs (prozac, paxil, zoloft) and it never got any better. They did help my depression though, which is why I took them for years at a time. It takes a while for dosage adjustments to have an impact on mood–at least a week, more like 2 IIRC–so I would see how you feel at your next appointment. It is super common for it to take some trial and error to find a medicine and dosage that works for you.

    • AnonA

      It may be an urban legend or word of mouth, but Wellbutrin is supposed to not have this side effect, so I asked for it specifically. (A sibling had been on Wellbutrin and it worked for them when nothing else had, so that was another vote for Wellbutrin because whether or not an antidepressant helps is sometimes hit/miss or genetic.) I had been on Paxil before with zero drive and no O ability. Wellbutrin is great, no impact.

  20. anon

    Can anyone recommend or share links for a good peer reviewed article on SAD and the utility of sun lamps? A friend of mine has never heard of either but definitely seems to suffer from SAD. I made mention of the lamps today and he was interested to hear more. help?

    • NYC Librarian

      The evidence is not conclusive. There is a Cochrane systematic review (considered to be very high quality analysis) titled, “Light therapy for preventing seasonal affective disorder, which states, “Evidence on light therapy as preventive treatment for people with a history of SAD is limited.” You can read the abstract here, and link to the free full text of the article: https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30883670/

      • Nesprin

        Am so happy to see the Cochrane reviews get top billing!

        They have great info on the lots of medical questions + importantly the quality of the evidence supporting them!

    • Anon

      Subjectively, a really, really bright lamp (10,000 LUX) is absolutely amazing and turning it on definitely helps me feel awake and attentive when it’s dark out in winter. I don’t think I have SAD though, just some circadian rhythm stuff for which light may be more evidence based.

    • JD

      For something like a lamp, I don’t see a downside in trying it, if it isn’t too expensive. A placebo effect is great if you don’t think about it too much :)

  21. Vacation Dreaming

    After a long, crazy, busy year, my spouse and I are looking for a chill and relaxing post-Christmas trip to a warm and sunny destination! We’re looking at an all-inclusive resort in Jamaica (we can fly direct to Montego Bay ) or potentially the Dominican Republic. Any recommendations in terms of resorts, activities, advice? Relaxation is very much the theme for this trip! (We’re considering Excellence Oyster Bay in Jamacia if anyone has ever been!)
    Thanks in advance!

      • Joan wilder

        I found the food at Half Moon very underwhelming and they still had a “swim with dolphins” activity that revolved around a dolphin being kept in what is now commonly accepted as high stress conditions. It turned me off the whole place.

        • joan wilder

          I am replying to myself to add that I didn’t love the hotel, but I enjoyed Jamaica.

    • JTM

      In Montego Bay, I highly recommend the Hyatt Zilara – stayed there earlier this year with my husband and absolutely loved it. Food is delicious, staff is welcoming & friendly, and the resort was recently refreshed and looks beautiful.

    • Anon

      Haven’t been, but have heard great things about Excellence resorts.

      I would not do the Hyatt Ziva/Zilara brand. We stayed at one in Cancun and it was a huge disappointment. $800+/night and the food and service were worse than I’ve experienced at some $300/night resorts. Perhaps the Jamaica one is different, but I’m not willing to give the brand a second try after such a disappointing experience.

  22. Anon

    Snack recs? I can go a long time in between meetings and need ideas for quick snacks to keep on hand. Specifically looking for favorite brands etc

    • Monte

      I like Biena chickpeas, either sea salt or barbeque. I usually roast my own but these are good when I haven’t made the time. Also cucumber slices with salt and bell peppers with cups of hummus (usually Sabra but will grab whatever).

    • Anon

      Kind bars – I like the caramel almond and sea salt ones
      If you are near any of the various Kroger umbrella supermarkets, Private Selection Vanilla and Honey Almonds
      During the pandemic I was ordering boxes of milk chocolate almond butter cups directly from Chocolove (who are awesome by the way) — according to my dietician, if you are going to eat sugar, combine it with protein and fat so you don’t get a sugar crash. When they couldn’t ship because of high temps along the shipping route, they told me that Reese’s are actually better than Justin’s in terms of quality and cheaper!
      Apples, especially lunchbox size ones
      Trader Joe’s sells little snack packs of Kalamata olives

    • Anon

      Perfect bars (both in snack size and full size), if you love peanut butter. Sugar snap peas and carrots. Hardboiled eggs + salt & pepper or lemon pepper. String cheese (usually two, and I’m a monster – I don’t string them to eat them, I just bite).

    • ALT

      String cheese or Babybel cheese
      Oatmeal packets
      Clif bars
      Chomp Sticks (meat sticks)
      Beef jerky
      Any of the Dunkaroo-type snacks with a cracker/cookie and something to dip it in
      Sabra hummus cups with the pretzels
      Luna bars
      Larabars
      Those Balanced Breaks snack packs

      I usually combine a protein (jerky/meat stick) and a carb (Dunkaroo) with a piece of fruit or some veggies.

  23. Breakups

    Best way to get over a breakup when you are both completely in love but the relationship just isn’t working?

    It was a short relationship of a few months – despite that I miss him so much I can’t breathe.

    • anon

      Going no-contact, no matter how much you want to stay in touch. Otherwise, you will not disentangle yourself emotionally – you’ll still be holding space for him in your life, even if you’ve broken up.

    • Anon

      If it was just a few months, you’re probably romanticizing him. I don’t think you can really know someone after that time – it’s the honeymoon phase. Which means it makes the whole thing so much harder!!!

      Why did you break up? Focus on that. Focus on the fact that one day you’d wake up and all the warm fuzzy feelings would be gone, and you’d be left with the reality of him as a person.

      Let go of the idea of him being someone you were madly in love with. Being madly in love comes from years of bonding and depth and knowledge of each other. You can have intense feelings, but you don’t want the narratives around it to be making it more of a thing than it is.

      • Anon

        +1 If your relationship isn’t working after a few months, there is a lot wrong with the relationship. That doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with either of you as people, but the relationship is obviously failing.

      • anon

        I find it extremely condescending when people say it was only a few months so you don’t really know the person, the relationship wasn’t that serious, or you should be able to get over it quickly. You have no idea what happened in their relationship! Just because in your personal experience things progressed slowly it doesn’t mean other people’s relationships move at the same pace. It’s zero percent helpful to tell OP that her feelings aren’t justified.

        Actual advice: cease all contact, try your best to stop envisioning what your future would have been like, and go on a few dates. When you find yourself thinking about him focus on all the reasons it would never work out. It’s hard right now but eventually you’ll feel relieved that you’re not with an incompatible partner.

        • Anon

          You can feel attached to someone or “madly in love” with them after a couple of months. But rationally, if you’re a few months in and the relationship was already not working, this is not your person. I’ve had this experience many many times before and it’s easier for a few months to be devastating because you’re still in a honeymoon phase.

          I’m not saying her feelings aren’t justified. They’re super justified! Heartbreak is so hard! And short intense things can be some of the hardest! But feelings aren’t facts. You can have big feelings, but committing to the narratives behind them (i.e., being madly in love after only being with them a few months) isn’t going to be helpful in reframing, letting go, and moving on.

          • anon

            I appreciate your thoughtful response. I agree that if it’s not working in the first few months then this isn’t your person and you’re better off. But being madly in love isn’t an objective fact you can measure. The whole point is that they’re feelings! I don’t like when people gatekeep the definition and timeline of a serious relationship because it varies person to person and relationship to relationship. Especially as you’re older and have more dating experience under your belt feelings can develop more quickly. Either way I think it’s less helpful for OP to pretend her feelings don’t exist because she didn’t adhere to someone else’s idea of a relationship timeline.

          • Anon

            This makes a lot of sense and thank you for correcting me!! You’re right. You can have profound connections and depth of relationship after a few months, and trying to ignore that isn’t a helpful response.

            OP, here is my favorite heartbreak guide if it’s helpful: https://www.instagram.com/p/B01qp5CF-vv/?hl=en

          • Anon

            Exactly, Anon at 1:37 PM. I don’t like the phrase “madly in love” when attached to a relationship that made it three months… and I say this as someone who had plenty of 3-month long relationships. Ultimately, the reason for the quick failure was that we were not, in fact, madly in love, and someone (usually the person doing the breaking up) loved someone or something more than they loved their partner.

            There may be circumstances in which you are in fact madly in love but break it off – living in different countries, or one person wants kids and the other doesn’t. But those are rare.

    • Anon

      Perhaps you loved the idea of him or what you conjured up in your mind. Whenever I go through a horrible breakup I travel. I took myself to Europe after a bad breakup and it was great to switch up my routine rather than sitting at home miserable. You need to keep yourself busy and focus on other things.

    • PolyPocket

      Full no contact. Build yourself up. What did they have that you don’t, and how can you get it yourself? I recently realized that I spent a long time pining over some dude from a fling because his house had all the kinds of creature comforts I’d never allow myself to get just for me (heavy knit blankets, down pillows, candles, lighting that’s warm and dim in all the right places). No wonder I’d keep pining over him if he was the only access I’d have to things I wanted out of life! Same goes for emotional things too – were they good at listening? Empathizing? Telling stories or giving compliments? See if you were drawn to them or just wanting to Be them, and in what ways, and you may have an easier time moving on.

    • Senior Attorney

      “This time next year things will be way better.”
      “The only way out is through.”

      Repeat as needed.

      Big hugs, OP. This is hard.

    • Anon

      I generally subscribe to a “focus on the positive” mentality but not after a breakup. When you’re missing the inappropriate person, sometimes you’re focusing on all the good stuff, all the happy memories. Now is a time to focus on the negative. Remind yourself constantly why you were incompatible, do not fall into the trap of rose tinted sentimentality.

      And take care of yourself. The number one love of your life is YOU. You need some kindness, you need some pampering and self care. You’re awesome and you’re going to have an awesome life.

      • Jules

        I am very happily divorced after a 25-year marriage. I was more than ready to get out, did not want him back, but sometimes in the early months it was very hard, and I had to remind myself that I had made a good decision. Just last week, I found in a drawer a list I had written then of all of the issues with him or our relationship that had made me so unhappy. Try doing this. (My list was mostly big-picture things, but you could also put on there smaller irritants like leaving his socks on the floor instead of the hamper.)

        Sending you strength and hugs.

  24. anon

    Is anyone else really concerned about the resilience of US democracy? I’m having a really hard time these days with the news about all the hate crimes, election worker intimidation, and general divisions. I consider myself rational and well-informed, but the emergence of a totally separate media landscape for one political party, and the breadth of it, is freaking me out. There are tens of millions of Americans who fundamentally don’t believe in the legitimacy of the current government. Or are totally okay with Russia’s invasion of a sovereign nation. It makes it hard to do normal things like plan for a house purchase or think about a multi-year graduate program when I’m honestly not sure our country will exist in the same form in 20 years.

    • Monday

      Yes, I am there with you. I think it’s more “rational and well-informed” to be worried than not to be, frankly. Anyone who has learned about authoritarianism and failed democracies–historical or present–should see glaring red flags all over the US right now. I’m here for my family, my friends, and my patients.

      • Anon

        Yea I feel like it’s pretty rational to be concerned. I’ve heard comparisons to Rome, as in the fall of the US will be similar.

      • Seventh Sister

        While I am concerned and I do what I can to support our democracy, I feel like the events of the last five years or so have made me numb. I just can’t sustain the level of concern or anger that I had for say, Paul Ryan.

        Frankly, I feel like Bart and Lisa Simpson in this quote:

        Marge Simpson: This might upset them.
        Bart Simpson: Nothing you say can upset us. We’re the MTV generation.
        Lisa Simpson: We feel neither highs nor lows.
        Homer Simpson: Really? What’s it like?
        Lisa Simpson: Ehh.

        It’s not feasible for me to leave the US, but I do want my kids to consider that option. When I look at my standard of living vs. my husband’s stepsiblings in the UK, they really seem to be the winners. Are there houses slightly smaller? Yes. Do they have lower salaries? Will they go bankrupt if they get cancer? Never.

    • Anon

      Yes, and not just US. I’m voting and I’m donating but I just cannot take the news cycle anymore.

    • Anon

      Yes. Unfortunately I have people in my life who have been swept up into this. It’s really strange to see someone go from a kind of hippie/crunchy/boho attitude about whether vaccines and lockdowns are really necessary to stanning Putin and Orban in just a few years.

      If I were at the “graduate program” stage of my life, I might seriously consider studying abroad in a country where I may want to end up long term.

    • Anon

      Yes. But I was born in the USSR, so I never take the existence of states in their current form, or the continual progression of history towards liberal democracy, for granted. I have no idea what the future holds but I try to make plans the best I can based on the information I have right now. I would not hold off on a home purchase or graduate program — either one is more likely than not to turn out useful.

      • pugsnbourbon

        Also I keep getting sidebar and banner ads for a “Move to New Zealand” campaign and it’s … appealing.

    • Anon

      I honestly don’t know anyone who is OK with Russia’s invasion of Ukraine. Like I see yellow/blue Ukraine stickers everywhere and no Z/Russian things ever.

      The US is pretty big with its silent majority, which I think takes a dim view of January 6, but is busy minding its own business and would generally never pick up the phone and talk candidly with a pollster or the media. Or busy with a second PT job due to inflation. It’s not that people don’t care. It’s just that they try to fix what they can in the world that they touch and ignore national news screaming headlines that they aren’t involved with and that are honestly full of crazies.

      • Anonymous

        The main problem the US has is that the silent majority does not vote. And the GOP knows this and is actively working to make voting less accessible.

        People tend to assume the status quo always continues. The dismissiveness of concerns about Roe v Wade being overturned when discussing the 2016 election on this site is evidence of that. So many posters who raised the importance of electing Hillary to protect Roe were dismissed.

      • Anon

        This seems like more evidence that democracy is failing, if a big silent majority isn’t represented and Jan 6 supporters keep winning elections anyway.

    • Anonymous

      Yes. The warning signs have been there for a long time. Like decades.

      January 6 and the lack of response and the general belief in disinformation/misinformation mean things are likely to get worse.

      People forget that in the 1930s Germany was a democracy. Not worried about another genocide situation but the end of meaningful democracy and the turn towards totalitarianism are coming.

    • Anonymous

      President Biden was visited by a group of academics warning him about the current fragility of American democracy and he recently made a plea to Americans to please vote for Democratic candidates just this one or two times for the sake of shoring up democracy. Madeleine Albright wrote a book about this quite a few years ago. So yeah, this is a pretty widespread concern. I am not sure it should keep you from buying a house or getting an education, but you may want to consider how you can make yourself nimble, what you can do now to support democracy, and how far you would personally be willing to go to defend American democracy.

  25. Anon

    For those of you who use a SAD lamp, how do you use it (breakfast, work desk?), for how long, and do you need to buy a really expensive one to get results? What were your results?

    • Anon

      I was given the spendy but gorgeous “Sunrise Sensations” lamp and use it at full brightness in the morning and at other settings at other times of the day.

      I do like it a lot better than a small, cheap one I have. Maybe that is because it’s bigger, or maybe it’s because I’m a hopeless aesthete.

      • pugsnbourbon

        Oh – I thought those were going to be like $1k. They’re $200 and under and they look great!
        OP, I’ve used one when getting ready for the day and when I worked from home, for about the first hour of my workday.

    • Anon

      I do it for 30 minutes in the morning while I’m drinking my coffee and reading. I just have the “happy light” one off A-zon, was like $30 and has worked well for years. My husband now does it too. For me the results are subtle- more of a feeling like I enjoy doing it and willingness to do it every winter, while other habits are easier to come and go.

  26. anon

    Straw poll: is it embarrassing to be a recruiter? Would you look down on someone who left their field and became a recruiter in their field instead?

    • Anon

      I feel like, in general, sales is looked down on as a profession. But it is valuable to be able to find good people and place them in good jobs, both for the people and for the employer. Spouse does a lot of entry level hiring and a good recruiter makes his job so much easier.

    • Anon

      No and anyone who would look down on your for that is not someone you want as a friend.

    • Anonymous

      I think this is like leaving your job to work in something like real estate. There are people that are excellent and make a career out of it.

      There are also people that take a course and flounder for years.

      In this case, Are they recruiting very strong talent for a good pool of firms? Signing senior talent? If yes, then it’s a career like any other and I wouldn’t think twice.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Nope. I mean, if you’re going to be spamming people on LinkedIn that’s one thing, but I don’t think that’s what you’re planning. People need jobs, companies need workers, and recruiters are the key in that.

    • Anonymous

      Recruiters who thoughtfully match candidates and jobs are a-okay in my book, recruiters who spam LinkedIn in are not.

    • Anon

      Not at all. One of the most successful recruiters in my field is a former professional in our field.

    • Anonymous

      Depends on the person. Most of my friends who have done this are super bubbly high-energy people who thrive on personal interaction and love to be on the go. Sitting at a desk in an office alone all day was crushing their spirit. Being a law firm associate was a clear mismatch for their personality and they are happy and thriving now, so of course I’m super happy for them! (And also totally tap into their network for my own business development).

      Otoh I know a couple of people who were miserable in biglaw and moved on to other low-paid/commission-based things where they are still not killing it or thriving or happy. I wouldn’t say I look down on them but I do feel sorry for them. None of us went to law school because we wanted to aimlessly float through life barely making ends meet until we have to retire. It’s very sad.

  27. Anon

    Update from the poster who was applying to Big Job last night…it was removed. I knew it was a long shot anyway, but I’m completely disappointed. Here’s for continuing the search.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Wait – did you get the application in and the job posting is gone? You might have gotten in just under the wire. Or, they might have pulled it for any number of reasons; they may plan to re-post. Keep an eye on the company and apply for the next good, stretch-for-you-job you see.

      • Anon

        No, I wasn’t able to apply before it was removed. That’s a good idea though, I’ll keep an eye out for a repost.

  28. Polywood

    Thanks to everyone who recommended Polywood! I’m loving everything so far, and it has inspired me to spend more time on my patio :)

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