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Anon
HIVE help please.
I have a niece and nephew (8 and 12), that is like to help but I don’t know how. My brother and his ex girlfriend had 2 amazing kids. He’s never wanted kids and I’m not sure about her. My brother and I are estranged on and off for years, mainly down to his erratic behavior, likely undiagnosed bipolar.
I am married 10 plus years, with my husband for 13 plus years total. We’ve tried but never had children. When they were pregnant, I told my mother we would adopt the baby. I don’t know how far the offer went. We make very good money and own 2 houses, we’ve got a very stable life, strong relationship and we are caregivers to my elderly mom who has cancer and Alzheimers. Both my brother and his ex struggle financially and with child care.
My brother is living with current gf. Her kid takes up one bedroom and when he has the kids they share the other bedroom. The youngest wants to be an influencer so I get some insight into her life as she posts videos. She’s not very well spoken or as mature as girls her age. They do bounce back and forth between houses and the oldest may also have some issues with either bipolar or mood regulation.
We know we wouldn’t be their parents but feel like we can provide them with much better education and stability. We expect behavior issues.
I don’t know how the ex or the kids might feel about coming to live with us. We’re about 90 minutes from where they live, in a more upscale area with better schools.
Is a family law lawyer a good intermediary to help have the initial conversation? What else should we be thinking about?
Anonymous
Are you proposing the kids come live with you, or the entire family comes and lives with you, or you provide financial support (I.e. pay for school tuition) and help transporting the kids?
Anonymous
Definitely chat with a family lawyer. That person can explain the legal implications of having family live with you, as well as the in loco parentis idea you may be proposing. Others may criticize you or praise for this thought but none of us are in your situation.
Anon
Maybe offer to host them for a week this summer (a week that you take off work) and see how that offer goes. You probably need to be a bit back in their lives before anything bigger can happen. Also, to have a relation ship with each biological parent. Paying for away-camps May be the next step and then including the kids on your vacations.
anon for this
It’s hard to tell from your post if you have a relationship with the kids at all, or if it’s a strained as your relationship with your brother. But I think this is a great idea to see if you can foster a deeper relationship with the kids. If you have the ability to take two weeks off work, it would be a gift to spend a week with each of the kids individually.
Frankly, it would be good for you, too, to see whether you feel up for a deeper commitment (which is itself such a complicated option you should consider carefully after spending a lot more time with the kids). Parenting teens and tweens is not for the faint of heart.
Op
thank you for the thoughtful comment.
this is a wise idea and could give them a respite they might need, at the least.
Anonymous
What on earth? It sounds like you have almost no relationship with these people. You haven’t even spoken to either parent or the kids about possibly taking in these children. Certainly no one has asked. The children aren’t in danger, it’s not as if the state is involved. And you want to hire a lawyer to go pressure these people into giving up their children? Who do you think you are? Why do you think your wealth entitles you to take someone’s kids away?
Ugh
Give me a break. The kids are apparently in a chaotic situation. Did you grow up in that type of environment? I’m sure you’re fancying yourself as being on some sort of moral highground, but growing up with mentally and financially unstable adults stinks. Who do you think you are? Stable, loving adults can be a great source of support to get the kids out of an objectively bad situation. OP can potentially change the trajectory of these kids’ lives for generations to come.
OP, I would do a lot more diligence on how everybody feels about it, what the law says, logistics, etc. But don’t give up just because some Anon with no skin in the game is wagging her finger.
Vicky Austin
+1000 to this answer. Best of luck, OP, you’re a caring aunt and I hope you and your family can work something out for the kids’ best interests.
Anonymous
Wow Vicky. Glad to know you don’t think poor people deserve to keep their children.
Anon
There’s so much inherent class discrimination in some of these answers, it’s frankly sickening. I know a number of very good parents who happen to be poor. They spend more time with their kids, and are better at navigating their kids’ difficulties, than many of the moms who post about their parenting problems on this blog.
Anon
Anonymous, there are many of us who grew up with parents who didn’t want them, mentally ill parents who did not get treatment, instability, poor role models, and poverty. And some got them all. Did you? Just the untreated mental illness alone is devastating, and has destroyed multiple generations from many families, including ours.
She is coming here asking how to help these kids. Good for her for trying to help the kids.
Your response is very ignorant.
Vicky Austin
That’s not remotely what I said, meant or thought, but I think you know that. And it lends so much credence to your moral crusade that you are hiding behind complete anonymity so you can be rude to me. Bye.
Anon
Anon at 11:16, some of us who grew up just like that can see the folly of this. She has little to no experience raising children, is already responsible for an aging parent with dementia, and apparently no relationship with the children in question and decides she would be a better parent because there is split custody, they sometimes have to share a bedroom, and are poor. She has decided she should traumatize the children further by taking them away from their parents?
Anon
+1 to 11:35. I think a lot of the responses that are horrified by what OP is proposing are actually coming from people who grew up like this. I’m not sure why the assumption is that we don’t know what we’re talking about just because we think children who aren’t being abused or neglected shouldn’t be taken away from their biological parents.
Anon
I don’t think any of us are saying she should take the children from the parents.
Anon
I’m not the poster you’re replying too, and I understand the kids’ home life is not great but it still isn’t appropriate for an aunt who apparently has minimal contact with the kids to feel entitled to raising them because she’s happily married and wealthy. It seems OP has always been overly invested in these kids, likely due to her own infertility issues, which is understandable but not reasonable. She proposed taking the children when they were still in the womb, before the parents even had a chance to parent. You don’t tell people you want to adopt their baby unless they’ve indicated interest in putting it up for adoption, that’s kind of social skills 101.
There are lots of ways OP can positively impact the kids’ lives and break the generational cycles that don’t involve her taking the children, and I think it’s pretty reasonable to suggest she start with some of those lesser steps and go from there.
Anon
Exactly!! Of course a stable home is best. But OP can’t just take kids. Instead, she can provide a stable influence by deepening her relationship with them and providing financial support in that context. Not in figuring out how to get custody of them.
Anon
This is my take on it too. OP’s post is seriously one of the weirdest things I’ve ever read on here, since I found this place in 2011, and that’s saying something. She wants to take the kids – who, while they may not be in an ideal situation, seem safe and are living with one or both of their biological parents (seems like there may be shared custody), because she thinks she can do a better job of raising them – and she’s saying this with no parenting experience, and as others have pointed out, apparently little-to-no contact with the kids themselves. This screams “infertility desperation” to me, and I say that as someone who went through fertility treatment myself. Good luck to the OP, in trying to convince family court to take kids away from their biological parent(s) who is providing a reasonably safe environment for the children. It’s incredibly difficult to get kids out of UNsafe environments where they’re living with bioparents because family law is centered around keeping children with their bioparent(s) at almost all costs. Even if she were to wrest custody away from her brother, what about the kids’ mother, who from her post, seems to still be in the kids’ lives? Is OP aware that in cases where one parent is proven to be unfit/dangerous to the child, 99.5% of the time the court will choose to give full custody to the OTHER BIOPARENT, and not a relative who is a complete stranger to the children??
“She proposed taking the children when they were still in the womb, before the parents even had a chance to parent. You don’t tell people you want to adopt their baby unless they’ve indicated interest in putting it up for adoption, that’s kind of social skills 101.”
This jumped out to me also, and leads me to believe that OP is either not a reasonable person, or is a person with noxious motivations. If she’s so invested in giving children a better life, there are plenty of waiting children in foster homes she could adopt; she should contact her local children, youth and families (or whatever it’s called where she is) to talk about fostering or foster-to-adopt. She should not be looking for angles whereby she can take her nieces/nephews away from their biological parent, as lacking as she thinks their life situation is.
This whole thing is really sad to me. OP is on social media, stalking her niece, contemplating calling family attorneys so she can disrupt the kids’ living situation, instead of getting therapy about why she would, in any universe, think that behavior was acceptable. Or, looking into surrogacy, private adoption or foster-to-adopt to fulfill her latent parenting desires. I am sorry I read this post this morning. Blech.
Ugh
I think you are reading a lot into OP’s comments. She has a lot more context for why she was/is so concerned about the kids. It seems she is at the beginning stages of figuring out what support she can offer and looking for advice. As I mentioned, she will need to do a lot more diligence to figure out the right answer here. The reaction of ‘who do you think you are?’ is so holier than thou. She’s an adult who can see that the kids are not in an unstable environment and she has the capacity to help in some way. There are apparently commenters who take more interest in wagging their finger at OP than recognizing that there are helpless little kids who may benefit from their aunt’s help or interest.
Anon
But nobody was suggesting alternative ways to help Anon @ 9:52 – They were more interested in telling OP why she’s a bad person.
anon
This exactly. OP’s proposal is … kinda nutty. You can’t just take people’s kids away.
Anon
Thank you. I get that infertility crushes people but that doesn’t give them a right to boss around parents, take their kids, or anything else.
(I lost a friend over something like this. I am fertile but can’t safely bear children, which I learned during my first and only pregnancy. She – infertile for years – thought that I should have died to get another baby and literally told me that I was insane, depressed, and in need of medication for refusing to risk my life in a second pregnancy. I’m not actually certain that her plan wasn’t to swoop in and be Mom if I bit the dust.)
anon
My gawd, 10:16. That is horrible.
Anon
Some people think being an only child is a fate worse than death, literally. I also have health issues that would make a second pregnancy life-threatening, and multiple people have told I should risk my life to have a second pregnancy because my child “needs” a sibling. A sibling is more important than a living mother apparently!? But yeah in your friend’s case it sounds like she was hoping she’d eventually get the kids. That is beyond twisted.
Anon
Tons of people are telling her about alternative ways to help the kids? I don’t understand that comment at all. She literally said she wants the children to live with her, and that combined with her stories about infertility and wanting to adopt the children before they were born makes it sound like this is as much or more about building her own family than about helping the kids. If it was solely about the kids, I think she would have left the infertility out of it and framed the question very differently.
Anon
“I also have health issues that would make a second pregnancy life-threatening, and multiple people have told I should risk my life to have a second pregnancy because my child “needs” a sibling.”
I am so sorry people said that to you. That’s just awful.
(I also don’t understand this line of thinking. Kids aren’t kids forever. Barring tragedy, they spend most of their lives as adults, forming their own friendships, romantic attachments, and, for many, having their own kids. Being an only child doesn’t define the arc of your life, although losing a parent at a young age does.)
FWIW, my kid’s godmother, grandmother, and namesake (3 different people) are all only children. I know enough people with siblings who are bullies, pot stirrers, drug addicts, or deadbeats to see little value in “OMG all kids need a sibling.”
Anon
I am not sure about these responses. I don’t think it’s very common for taking in relative’s kids to happen completely out of the blue? I’ve been asked to consider adopting a relative’s unborn child before, so I know this happens.
People do take in relatives’ kids who are not the other bioparent (am I the only one who knows people who have done this?), and there were concerns and attempts to help long before things escalated to the point that the courts were looking for a solution.
Anon
Anon @ 12:17 – this specific thread was started because some commenter wanted to chastise OP without offering any solutions or suggestions. That’s what I was referring to. Basically someone calling OP a bad person because she doesnt know the best way to approach this difficult situation
Anonymous
Anon @1:09, I didn’t offer alternatives because OP is completely divorced from reality. Do not get involved in kids lives with the intent of alienating them from their parents so they’ll come live with you instead. If she can’t be genuinely supportive of the parents then she should stay out of it.
Anonymous
Chaotic situation? The only thing OP knows about the kids is from an 8 year old’s social media presence – that same 8 year old that OP deems to be immature for her age. At 8. OP doesn’t even know these people. She’s making assumptions based on things she knew about her brother from years ago despite the fact that she has no ongoing relationship with him.
Anon
Yeah. On the one hand, I have close relatives with bipolar and I know how people with untreated bipolar behave, so I’m guessing it probably is chaotic. On the other hand, the only facts about the home situatino OP stated are that the children go back and forth between two homes and share a room at their dad’s house, which is completely normal and not harmful.
Anon
OP is estranged from her brother and doesn’t know whether he has bipolar or if it’s actually untreated. There’s no current evidence that the kids are in danger or that they’re in an unstable situation.
Op
OP is estranged from her brother and doesn’t know whether he has bipolar or if it’s actually untreated. There’s no current evidence that the kids are in danger or that they’re in an unstable situation.
Anon
That last sentence – spot on.
Anon
Did you miss the part where she describes her brother’s erratic and unstable behavior? I am so glad that I had stable, interested adults in my life, and not people like you. My life turned out totally different because people stepped in
Anon
…did you read the responses? No one is suggesting she ignore the children. Literally eeryone is saying she should be a stable, loving aunt and invest time and financial resources in the children. But the first step is not removing the children from the home when you have no relationship with them.
Anon
“Stepped in” is different than “took you out of your home.” I’m sorry for your early-life experiences and hope you have gotten therapy to work through your emotions about what you experienced. I am saying that genuinely – it’s tragic that so many kids get raised by people who aren’t emotionally equipped to raise them. But as someone who works with the family court system, believe me: if the household is even halfway stable, it’s better to leave the children in place and work with the parents than remove the kids. If no one worked with your parents, I am sorry about that.
Anonymous
Yes I did miss the part where OP “describes” the erratic behavior because she doesn’t describe it she just states it in conclusory fashion. She also tells us they have no relationship and haven’t for years. She has no idea whether this erratic behavior has been continuing.
Also if someone I had a strained relationship with told my mom they wanted to take my unborn child from me, I bet they’d describe my resulting behavior toward them as “erratic.”
Anon
“Also if someone I had a strained relationship with told my mom they wanted to take my unborn child from me, I bet they’d describe my resulting behavior toward them as “erratic.””
Seriously!!! She’s lucky she has any contact with the kids. My husband’s sister is infertile and I feel bad for her but if she even so much as hinted at wanting our kids to live with her I would be extremely wary of her having any in-person contact with them. Kidnappings by relatives do happen.
Anon @ 9:33
Anon @ 10:48 – first of all, I think OP has been pretty receptive to advice that there are steps she should take before even approaching adoption. I also think that she should take some preliminary steps. Adoption is way down the line, if not off the table entirely.
What she is getting is a bunch of people calling her a bad person because she didn’t get to that first. Second of all, don’t worry about me. I got the help I needed. The people who failed me the most were the people who worked in and with the family court system.
Anonymous
Exactly! I am shocked at people here who just assume that because someone has money that it means this is an OK thing to try to buy. I’ve never been a parent, and even I know how wildly wrong that is.
Here’s what the other side of the coin might look like:
“My barren sister has been trying to take my kids since before they were even born. She has no relationship with them other than Tik Tok videos and has now become obsessed with taking them from me. She doesn’t know any of us from Adam but somehow thinks it’s OK to accuse me of being bipolar, my daughter of being bipolar or delayed or something like that and acts as if sharing a bedroom is abusive. Now she is trying to put legal pressure on us. She has never even spent so much as a night watching them but somehow thinks she knows what’s best for them. Because I once said I didn’t want kids, she now thinks that forever I don’t deserve kids. She thinks because I don’t have as much money as her or that I haven’t formalized my relationship with a piece of paper that it gives her the right to try to take my kids away. If I had money, I’d be trying to keep her away from my family for harassment.”
OP, if you want to pursue being a parent, then do so. But do it through the right channels such as in vitro or adoption– not by trying to take someone else’s kids away in the absence of being asked or a children and family services situation. You may not realize this, but even with DCFS, the goal is usually to try to keep a relationship of some sort with the child and their parent until the parent can take them again.
Whether you think you would be a better parent because of your 13-year relationship with your husband while your brother remains unmarried in a 3-year relationship with his girlfriend is immaterial. They aren’t your kids.
Also, you say you don’t know how far your initial offer went.I think you need to grow up and realize how that went.
Anon
“My barren sister has been trying to take my kids since before they were even born. She has no relationship with them other than Tik Tok videos and has now become obsessed with taking them from me. She doesn’t know any of us from Adam but somehow thinks it’s OK to accuse me of being bipolar, my daughter of being bipolar or delayed or something like that and acts as if sharing a bedroom is abusive. Now she is trying to put legal pressure on us. She has never even spent so much as a night watching them but somehow thinks she knows what’s best for them. Because I once said I didn’t want kids, she now thinks that forever I don’t deserve kids. She thinks because I don’t have as much money as her or that I haven’t formalized my relationship with a piece of paper that it gives her the right to try to take my kids away. If I had money, I’d be trying to keep her away from my family for harassment.”
Omggg this is hilarious. But I can totally see the sibling feeling this way!
Op
because I don’t need to explain what they are going the rough for your vulture glory.
barren sister is a nasty description of any woman. knives out. WI tch es.
Trish
1. She is not trying to take them away without permission. 2. It is not her wealth but her stability that she has to offer. 3. She didn’t ask for your opinion, she asked for ideas about how she might help these kids.
I represent children who grew up in these kinds of environments where the state was never involved. They often end up in prison or jail. If OP could take them for some time in the summer, she could foster the kind of relationship kids at risk need.
Anon
Then why did she mention her wealth repeatedly? She clearly thinks her money is a reason she deserves to be parenting these kids.
Anon
Or maybe OP was trying to provide context that she has resources to help the kids. Geez, a lot of commenters who only want to see the worst in OP
Anon
I dunno, I’m not saying OP is a bad person but the whole post felt really off to me. I agree with the person who said it’s one of the weirdest posts they’ve seen here in a decade or more of reading here. I’m a mom and if I were concerned about my niece and nephew’s well-being, I wouldn’t be talking about how I own two homes as a reason I could help them. That kind of wealth is so far down the list of how a concerned adult can help kids in an unstable situation.
Anon
I think it’s also how she talks about their wealth. “We could easily afford to put the kids through private college” conveys that OP is wealthy, but I don’t think it would have garnered the same negative reactions as “we have two homes” which is irrelevant to the kids.
Anonymous
1. She is trying to take them away without being asked––for the second time––now. 2. She spent more of her post describing her affluence and her brother’s poverty than anything about how she would try to support the children’s physical or emotional well-being absent taking away custody. 3. HIVE help when there is no actual question but delusional rambling about how your wealth and armchair diagnosing entitles you to somehow take someone’s kids away is going to get you folks who aren’t going to want to walk you through step by step on the process of how to do it.
“I represent children who grew up in these kinds of environments”–Excuse me? You really don’t know what the environment is. Because OP doesn’t and hasn’t actually laid out anything remotely abusive. Sharing bedrooms is not the same. Living with people who aren’t married or their children isn’t the same. Having only one house isn’t the same. Being told a child is not developmentally right from a few minutes of a Tik Tok video by someone without kids isn’t the same. Being raised by people who work long hours isn’t the same.
Not attending school? Not being fed? Parent with diagnosed mental or behavioral health issues? Substance abuse? And guess what, even then the goal is usually to build support to get them to a healthier place and keep them together.
Anon
I’m so glad I’m not a child anymore.
Op
they planned to abort but didn’t have the cash. both times.
I offered to take them instead because I’m awful and noxious. feel better, vultures?
Op
thanks Trish. bless you and glad folks like you are around to help kids who need a voice and support!
Trish
It just occurred to me, why didn’t you help pay for the abortion?
Anon
As a teen parent and step-parent, how big are your jobs and how much involvement in any youth things do you have? Do you have friends who are parents of teens? I volunteer a lot in a youth activity in my county and that would be a good way to gain some skills and perspectives and a network (which you’d need with easy teens but especially with your plans).
Anon
So I am clear, you want to say to your brother, hey we can take better care of your kids than you, and we’d like to adopt them despite there being no interest in this that you are aware of on his part?
Anon
Yeah this was very jarring to me. I’m sorry you struggled with infertility OP, but that doesn’t give you the right to expect a less stable family member to *give you their kids* omg. It’s pretty wild that you would even contemplate this (and I have alcoholism and bipolar disorder in my family, so I’m not at all unfamiliar with the situation you’re describing). And the focus on wealth is gross; I understand your brother has other issues besides money, but being wealthy does not make you a good parent, in fact anecdotally I would say I’ve generally seen the opposite.
If you want to help his kids, the best way to do that, at least right now, is by being a stable and involved aunt. If you are close to them for a long time and they eventually want to live with you, maybe it could evolve into that over the years. But you don’t just take them when you barely know them! Good god.
Op
first of all, I think OP has been pretty receptive to advice that there are steps she should take before even approaching adoption. I also think that she should take some preliminary steps. Adoption is way down the line, if not off the table entirely.
thanks anon at 933
to the others, no. we’re not pulling privilege or looking down in their challenges. they will tell anyone they don’t want the kids. so no, we’re not showing up to buy children. we’re thinking about how we find out what they need and to what level we can help.
I stated we’re stable in many ways and the kids are in a bad situation.
Anon
Wtf? You can just take their children because you don’t agree with how they’re raising their kids.
Anon
You sound pretty judgmental both about your brother and his children. I’m sorry that you’ve struggled with infertility but I don’t think (absence real abuse or neglect) asking to adopt your brother’s children as your own is a reasonable solution. I think this ask will cause further damage to your relationship with your family and is unlikely to end in the outcome you desire. If you were willing to offer real support, free of judgment either financially or in terms of childcare that might be different but it sounds like you want to take your brother’s kids to create your own instant family, not actually support him.
Monday
+1. I am not naive about unsafe households for kids, as my work often involves CPS cases with parents who are abusive or have addictions, dangerous criminal involvement, or severe and unmanaged mental illness. But this situation is not that. I agree that your role would be to offer to spend more time with the kids or arrange financial support if it’s welcome.
Anon
I also work with families who are involved with the court system for a variety of reasons, and I am just floored at the OP’s hubris and level of both naivete and entitlement here. The bar for taking kids away from bioparents is unbelievably high – in my opinion, too high – and there’s no way that even Ms. Richie Rich up there is going to make a case to family court, out of the blue that the kids need to be removed from their bioparents and transferred to her custody. Especially if she doesn’t really even know them and has never been involved in the kids’ lives. Especially if the mom is in the picture and/or the mom has bio-relatives who may have an interest in the kids and where they live. I have seen situations where kids were burned with lit cigarettes and they got returned to their bioparents, sadly. A tween making incoherent videos on TikTok is not going to reach the threshold of “this kid is in enough danger that we need to completely disrupt their custody/living situation and deliver them to OP.” Don’t get me started on the situations I’ve seen that were way worse than what OP is describing where the court left the kids in the custody of the bioparents and just referred them for counseling services. OP thinks she has enough money to go in and convince a family-court judge to just hand over custody of her niece/nephew to her and her husband? OMG. Give. Me. A. Freaking. Break.
Trish
You are reading things in OP’s post that are not there. Why are you making up stories about family court judges?
Anon
“You are reading things in OP’s post that are not there. Why are you making up stories about family court judges?”
I am not, Trish, and if you’re really involved in representing families or children in family court, I am appalled that you think the way you do about kids getting wantonly removed from their families. Either you have the wrong motivations for being in your job or you’re burned out. Either way, you need to consider a career change. Because you should very much know that it is only rarely in the best interests of kids in late childhood/early adolescence to take them out of the only home they’ve ever known and give them to someone else.
Anon
Anon at 12:12, keep telling yourself that the courts, the system, adults, and society at large are doing what’s best for kids.
Anon
“Anon at 12:12, keep telling yourself that the courts, the system, adults, and society at large are doing what’s best for kids.”
Where did I say that? I transparently do not believe courts, “the system” (what is that exactly?) etc. are not doing what’s best for kids. I am very aware, believe me, that there are parents out there who have had kids for all the wrong reasons and are doing a crappy job of parenting them. But the people who think that OP is going to come in like some kind of savior/avenging angel and swoop the kids away from their parents and give them the affluent life kids dream of (maybe the one you dreamed of having as a child? Am I on-target?) are living in some kind of fantasyland. There is no legal pathway in the United States of America for the OP to just take over raising her brother’s kids. From her updates, it now sounds like that’s not what she wants, but the original post was troubling to a lot of people. Now that she’s clarified her intentions, she’s being given a lot of helpful suggestions about how she can be a positive presence in the kids’ lives – which is absolutely reasonable, called for, and will benefit the kids.
Look, I am super-sorry for whatever happened to you when you were a kid, genuinely. You seem very damaged by it. Therapy is the answer for that, not lashing out at people on the Internet, because that won’t solve any problems other than temporarily making you feel better. If you’re one of the rare cases where you should have been removed from your parents’ custody, and that didn’t happen, I am truly sorry. But just so you know – I have interfaced with many kids who were removed and put into horrific foster-care situations because their parents were going through crises that could have been resolved with better social supports. Their parents really just needed something that our society should be easily able to provide to parents: more food stamp money; stable and safe childcare; assistance with finding a job with stable hours, etc. They didn’t get that help, so something happened to the kids, and then someone called the authorities, and then the next thing they knew, the kids were in a group home or foster home where their new worry was not an absent parent who was just trying to make a living, but avoiding rape and physical assault by their “caregivers” or foster siblings. There are no good solutions here, other than (IMO) making long-term birth control freely and widely available to all human beings over age 12. And there are significant legal and social-justice issues with that idea, as well.
I sincerely and truly hope you get some therapeutic support to help you cope with the trauma you experienced as a child, and again – I am sorry that happened to you.
Anon
I didn’t experience any trauma as a child. I just think children are extremely vulnerable. Is it particularly rare for children to be raised by family members other than their parents in the USA?
If you’re saying that the typical legal route in the USA is to place children in group homes or foster care rather than with relatives willing and able to care for them, that seems even worse than I thought.
If all the parents needed was “more food stamp money; stable and safe childcare; assistance with finding a job with stable hours,” how is the only solution “birth control”?
Trish
Now you are making up stories that I work in family court. What? You are literally the only person who is talking about family court. OP never said that.
Anonymous
+3. I’m an adoptive mom so I’m not naive. It sounds like these kiddos are in a stressful but stable situation. I have a cousin we offered to take in during her senior year because her mom was in jail. They did not take us up on the offer and honestly it’s fine. As much as you might want to, you can’t run other people’s lives. I think your first move is to establish a good relationship with your niece and nephew (if I’m being judgmental: why didn’t you do this sooner?). Maybe they will feel comfortable coming to you with hard stuff. Maybe eventually you’ll get custody but starting there is way overstepping IMHO. Also if you do get custody, be prepared for them to act out at least at first and seem like they hate you. That isn’t a reason not to do it, but I see so many foster parents blindsided when kiddos defend and prefer their deadbeat, drug addled parents. Parenthood is a unique bond. Good luck. Kids are hard.
Op
true they are hard. we don’t want them to be in a bad situation and working to figure out how to support then on our own dime and not have them get stuck in the system or be in dangerous situations.
we thought the birth parents were on the path to stability before. it’s been a tough road for them, instead.
thanks for the thoughtful note.
we don’t want to uproot them but I do expect them to have hard time if that’s the only safe option.
we’ve also considered housing them in the other house, as at least part of a family unit with one parent and paying for their Healthcare and therapy.
Op
so glad you have all the case notes ! this is that, actually.
Anon
+2 to this.
Anonymous
What on earth is this nonsense? No you can’t steal these children get help. These kids have parents those parents aren’t you this is so disturbing.
Anon
Like others, I’m a little confused.
I hope what you are wanting is to set up some sort of trust fund for the kids or pay for camps or educational opportunities for them while nurturing a relationship (like sleepovers at your house or something). If this is the case, I’d recommend reaching out to your brother and seeing what he thinks about you meeting up with the kids. You’d need a lawyer involved for the trust part, but they’re not going to be able to help you with any custody or guardianship issue unless the kids are in some sort of danger or the children’s parents consent. You need to work on slowly building a relation with the kids. I don’t have kids, but I’m sure others will have ideas about how to do that.
Your post reads a little like you almost want the lawyer to tell you the kids can come live with you full time because you believe you can provide them a better life. It sounds like you could, materially. However be mindful that material matters aren’t everything. If what you’re talking about is separating teenagers from the only parents they’ve ever known— that is INCREDIBLY traumatic for the kids. It is not in their best interest. I was adopted as a toddler, and I still yearn to know my family of origin. Not all adoptees are the same, but I can’t imagine as a teenager being torn from one family to go live with another just because one has more money.
It sounds like you’ve had a difficult journey with infertility, and it can be really hard in that situation to see others raising kids when you don’t think they want or deserve the children. But the way forward would be exploring options other than adopting teenagers who have families already.
All that to say, the trust or paying for camps or whatever is the way to go if you’re interested in financial support.
anon for this
This is a very thoughtful comment. It’s hard to tell if OP is at the beginning of a discernment process or has fully formed her views, but OP, please understand that nothing happens without considering the best interests of the child and parental rights.
Op
we agree.
please see above.
you’re right that we are willing to share resources and not tear kids away from parents.
the difficulty is that at least one parent has mental health issues and the other self medicates, hence trying to find a neutral 3rd party who can help the conversations and safeguard the money.
thank you for the thoughts.
Anon
There’s nothing to hire a lawyer about because you have absolutely no legal right to your brother’s children. I think the whole thing sounds weird AF, but your only “recourse” is to talk to brother and propose your wild ideas.
Anon
Yeah who are these people saying you can go to a family lawyer and the lawyer will get you the kids!? That’s…not how any of this works.
Anon
I’m as floored by that as I am about the OP’s assumption that just because she has money and two homes, a family court will just hand her custody of children she doesn’t even really know. There are some pretty vacant, noxious ideas kicking around in this thread today, yikes.
Trish
She didn’t say any of that. She wants to talk about how to approach the situation with a family lawyer. A good family lawyer would likely tell her the same thing that others have suggested: offering to have the kids stay with her in the summer for a week or so.
Anonymous
Her first comment specifically referenced them living with her and the superior schools. That seem like she wants some physical custody, definitely beyond a visit. I’m all for giving people the benefit of the doubt but you’re incorrect if you think the ops motive in hiring a family lawyer was to set up a summer visit.
Anon
Haven’t enough people tried to get their kids into a better school district by having them stay with family that they’ve had to come up with rules around this?
Anonymous
I’m one of the commenters who told her to go to an attorney. in part because, any licensed family law attorney who has a good reputation in her area should be able to credibly walk her through actual options (i.e., financial support) in a way that I would believe more readily than a bunch of commenters. If hearing her options from an attorney makes her feel more comfortable, she should go to an attorney. I would be shocked if she has any legal right to “take” the kids, but if she’s hoping to invest in the kids’ lives, a family attorney could tell her stories and the current law to help guide her.
anon
Agree with anon above, but not entirely dismissive of the idea of talking to a lawyer. A consult with a lawyer will most likely give you a wake up call about how high the threshold is before children are taken away. The lawyer may also be able to help you triage how you might want to help (e.g., setting up a trust) and what possible scenarios make sense to check back in (e.g., if the kids are staying with you a lot, if there are other concerns). Ultimately, everyone is giving you good advice that being the stable aunt is the best course here.
Anon
Not the exact same situation but somewhat similar, with my sister and my two nieces. What I did was to stay very actively involved in their lives (seeing them and doing stuff together with frequently), providing financial help when ever I could without giving money directly to my sister (holiday gifts, vacations with me, including paying for most of college). I felt exposing them to my life which was not a mess like hers helped them see life did not have to be lived like that. Also, I heavily encouraged and talked up college including my financial help because otherwise they would not have been exposed to that either.
Anon
This is the way! You sound like an awesome aunt.
Anon
Yes — 1000% this is how you do it.
anon
This is how it’s done. Not by adopting kids who already have parents, albeit very imperfect ones. OMG.
Ses
+1 this is the way
Anon
Agreed. Also, all the poster mentioned about the kids’ lives is that they go back and forth between multiple houses and don’t have their own bedrooms? Having grown up in an actual neglect/abuse situation, that sounds… not that bad? Sure it’s nicer to be rich with happily married parents, but plenty of people grow up with parents who are not rich and not together and are fine. I don’t see anything in the post that indicates that there’s anything actually bad going on in these kids’ lives.
OP, invite them over for a week for the summer, taken them on vacation, or something. Be involved in their lives. But remember that you are not more entitled to parent these kids by virtue of being rich.
Anon
My husband grew up in a broken-down trailer home with a single mom who was bad at budgeting, and so they didn’t always have food, or money to keep the lights on. She was well-intentioned, but not very attentive or organized. He was still better off in that situation than he would have been living with his dad, who was a violent alcoholic, or going to foster care, which was the only other option. Despite her not being an objectively great mother, she loved him and he loved her and they supported each other through hardships. He was securely attached to her and as a result, later could securely attach to other people. Could his childhood have been better, yes. But it also could have been way, way worse.
Anon
Perfect answer. You can share your time and money with your niece and nephew but likely most important is being a stable rock who can expose them to the world beyond what they’re used to. (Frankly that’s the role of an aunt to any child, even one in a very stable environment).
Op
thanks. these are exactly the kind of ideas we needed.
I’m sorry you had to also find ways to get the money to the kids and go through the worry of seeing them in chaos.
I hope they are steady adults now, thanks to your care. Wishing you all good health.
Anonymous
This is honestly so bonkers I can’t help but wonder if by some time in therapy would make sense
Op
sorry if the original post was unclear.
to clarify, we are thinking of how we can add stability and improve the kids lives.
neither parent spends much time with the kids and they aren’t thriving intellectually or socially. they work long hours and have a contentious relationship. the birth mother has brothers and friends who are at best, unsavory and untrustworthy, that are around the kids often. sometimes as child care.
I repeat we’re not looking to steal their kids or think we can just adopt them. the focus is on what can we do to help the kids. those possibilities range from paying for tutoring, education at private schools, programs or therapy. we are willing to forego social lives to have them stay with us for few weeks, part or all of a summer (wise suggestion!) or longer.
I shared that we don’t have but love and prepared to care and pay for kids.
all we care about is getting the kids to a stable position, we don’t have egos or grand fantasies. my brother is aware and admits that the kids need more security and time than they have to give them. his current gf actively ignored them by leaving the room when they are over.
we don’t want to ignore the situation, we’re very clear they won’t be ours. we feel strongly that we can help them and would like to figure out how to open a conversion on same.
to answer other questions – we love these kids and we get along great with them and they love us. they aren’t here more often due to distance, parents working and my brother’s volatile moods.
Anonymous
If all you want to do is offer to pay for camps or after school care or private school talk to your brother not a lawyer. You do not need to forgo a social life to take them into your home because they have a home and you can’t steal these kids.
Anon
+1 Just spend time with them and offer to pay for things. It’s really not that complicated. If your brother doesn’t want your help there isn’t much you can do except try to keep lines of communication open with the kids and offer them direct help as they get older. You don’t need a lawyer and you definitely don’t need to forego your social life.
Anon
Paying for private school in their city (which you should do by paying the school directly) might be the best use of your $ and their time with minimal other disruptions to their lives. Absent that, fancy summer programs that many boarding schools run. Absent that, vacations with you and college tours (and maybe college, paid directly by you to the school). Braces.
Anon
Ok, this is a completely different post than what you said initially. I think you’ve gotten lots of great advice about how you can positively impact these kids’ lives.
Anon
Yes. Honestly it’s so different from the initial post that I don’t know what to think anymore!
Anon
T r o l l. It’s a method of t r 0 l l in g to present one outrageous fact pattern, get people really worked up, then come back and say “well actually the facts are really different so none of you know what you’re talking about.”
Anon
Or maybe, MAYBE, it’s really hard to anticipate all the relevant facts and sometimes people read weird stuff into your post, so you have to clarify.
I have posted things that people have taken so far left field…it’s really hard to anticipate what nutty things people will read into post.
Anon
People are not reading things into her post. She said she asked to adopt at least one of the children before it was born. She said she wants the children to live with her and she’s wealthy and lives in a wealthy neighborhood with good schools. She speculated about her brother’s mental health status and the mental health status of one of the children. All of that is what people are reacting negatively to and was word for word in her original post. The follow up post was completely different. It’s disingenuous to pretend people deliberately twisted the first post around.
Anonymous
I’m with you. It’s was completely clear from the original post that she wanted these kids to come live with her. Now she’s walking it back. You don’t hire a family lawyer to have your niece and nephews come stay for a week.
Also, the thing I’m stuck with is how on earth a women who can’t manage a relationship with her own brother or his children’s mom or the children themselves thinks those children should come live with her. Also op if you’ve actually discussed this with your husband and he hasn’t explained how crazy this sounds I don’t think there is a sane adult in your household.
Anonymous
Can you move closer to them? I get you can’t have them come to you often due to distance. But maybe you could consider that. Good luck!
Anon
Obviously not because then she’d have to leave her “upscale area with better schools”
Anon
Thanks for providing this clarification.
I think the first thing you need to do is sit down with your brother – hopefully you can find a time when he will be in a receptive, reasonable state – and the kids’ mom and lay out what you just said here: you would like to be more involved in the kids’ lives, and help them live better lives, and here are some ideas for how that can happen.
I think you need to see what the reaction is. If it’s receptive, great – maybe then you can start making plans with the parents, and then talk to a lawyer about setting up 529s for the kids that can be used for their educational expenses (and administered by you or a third party, not your brother/the kids’ mom), getting a loco parentis agreement put in place for visiting periods so when the kids are with you and your husband, you both have permission to get them emergency medical treatment, etc.
If the kids’ parents aren’t receptive or tell you to buzz off, I think you can stay involved by sending gifts, text messaging with the kids, and being around for whatever level of contact your brother and their mom will allow. I have a parent with bipolar disorder and so you and I know – this may be a bit of a wild ride. When he’s well, he likely won’t have much problem with you spending time with the kids; access to them may become a weapon he can use against you when he’s not well. So you probably have to steel yourself for some ups and downs and for things to go two steps forward, one step back, at times. For good or ill, your brother and the kids’ mom are the custodial parents and they have more or less complete control over the childrens’ lives. It’s very doubtful a court would give you visitation rights against the wishes of the bioparents. I strongly urge you to keep this situation out of family court if at all possible; outcomes there for the kids and for you and your brother are not likely to be positive.
Your motivations are sound and what you propose to do will probably make a tremendous difference in the lives of these kids. You absolutely should pursue this, while shielding yourself emotionally from the volatility of the situation that’s the result of your brother’s illness. It might be good for you to get a therapist you can talk to about what you may hear from the kids about their lives that make you sad; I imagine you’re going to hear some tough stuff.
I also think you should talk to a lawyer about the right moves to make if you hear about physical or sexual abuse, not from the kids’ parents necessarily, but from someone circulating in their orbit. Some people here may say “call the police immediately” but in my city, that can lead to a cascading series of events that causes tremendous damage to the kids, including putting them in foster homes or group homes that are, at best, inadequate and at worst dangerous. And then the kids can get returned right back into the same environment, but now they’re traumatized from being separated from their families, and from suffering whatever they suffered in foster care/group homes. It’s tempting to react when you hear something awful but IMO – the family court system in most areas is not equipped to actually help children who are in bad situations. Most kids who get involved with family court come away from it worse off. It’s really only in the worst of the worst situations that family court ends up helping anyone.
Good luck with this. You’re a good person for wanting to help.
Anon
This is good advice.
I also grew up with an unstable parent with untreated bipolar disorder. Unfortunately, the mentally ill parent was shunned/ignored by his distended family, and as a result we grew up with no external family/friend support. I worry this has happened to your brother’s family, as you have had ?no direct contact with your brother for so long.
So just trying to be a solid, positive presence in their life… in any way…. is a good thing. It is important for the kids know they have not been forgotten/disowned by the extended family…. especially if this is what is happening to their Dad. And they will still love the Dad, for sure, so it will also hurt them some if you have no relationship at all with Dad.
Op
thank you. my clarification post was stuck in mod.
I’m the OP. I’m not experienced in writing about these things and don’t want to air out all the laundry or it would be a novel.
my Boi l brother and the kids mom have both had various scrapes and dodgy people and will tell anyone they don’t want the kids. we don’t want to steal them away just give them a stable base and safe adults who care, whatever that looks like. taking them from their parents would have been traumatic at any age and not what we want.
why now? they are getting older and need more help and we suspect at least one parent is not remaining sober.
we need a lawyer to be an intermediary, to hold the funds and guide us because both parents will use the money otherwise.
to the post directly above: this is a very thoughtful and helpful post and what we needed, esp around the abuse and not escalating through the police. all of these things are worth considering and planning for.
we deeply appreciate your time, thoughts and advice.
Anonymous
Given what you have said, I would focus on what you can do to get the kids connected to stable, caring adults on a regular basis – therapists, mentors, coaches, tutors, big brother/big sister, even a babysitter – anyone that can be a long-term support. Since you can’t be there all the time, how can you build them a local village?
Trish
That is exactly what I understood from your posts, OP. The research shows that JUST ONE person who can offer safety, stability and love can change the trajectory of a child’s life. I am glad they have you. Ignore the haters who can’t read.
Anon
Stop. Her OP literally said she wants the children to move into her home. Acting like people are being “haters” for suggesting that’s not a good first step is absurd.
Anon
If she’s concerned they’re unsafe in their home (being left alone with untrustworthy caretakers), of course she’d at least consider how to get them into a safer environment?
One of the most startling statistics from lockdown was that K12 suicide rates went down while schools were closed for every demographic except for at risk teen girls; some girls really are not safe at home.
Anon
I understand why she’s worried about the kids (if we take her comments about their caregivers at face value, which I’m not sure I do), but removing them from the home is still not a realistic or appropriate first step. There are a million things she can do that will positively impact their lives that are less dramatic than that.
Trish
People aren’t just saying that’s not the best first step. The haters are calling her barren and making up stories about her motive.
Anon
You’re working out some kind of emotional issue with these comments and you need to quit doing it. Go call your EAP and get connected with a counselor who can talk to you about your burnout/negativity toward the clients you’re ostensibly serving.
Anon
+1
Anon
I cannot see the issue with Trish’s comment. It is also my understanding that this is what the research shows.
Anon
+2
Trish
Your bullying is such an example of great mental health. I’m
Done and so is my son. Stop being a mean person.
Op
thanks Trish.
it is amazing what people have read into this.
I appreciate your kind counsel and thoughts.
Vicky Austin
This is definitely a bit different than how your original post makes it sound, but I’ll assume good intentions here. It doesn’t sound like there’s any good concrete reason for the kids not to live with their parents (without a diagnosis for your brother or anything beyond a bad vibe about your ex-SIL’s friends, there’s nothing anybody can do).
Bringing up anything that sounds remotely like “taking his kids away” to a possibly bipolar man sounds like a dangerous gamble. I would stick with offering summer visits, visiting them as often as you can, and maintaining the best relationship you can with your niece and nephew so they know they can come to you if something gets truly horrific (like mom’s friends actually do turn out to be dangerous).
Seventh Sister
Even if there are things in their lives that are sub-optimal, not living with their parent seems like a really big, scary change to make even if other relatives can provide more stability or support. I’d offer to have them come and stay with you during summers, maybe take them on trips, pay for lessons, etc. My kids are around those ages, and their friends mean a lot to them. Even if these kids have crappy parents they don’t want to be around, they also probably have friends, teachers who know them, things they like about their current school, etc.
Anon
Agreeing with the majority — why are you jumping from having little to no role to taking the kids away? If you actually want to help those kids try to have an active, reliable, supportive role in their lives and start contributing to a college savings plan in their name if your brother will agree to that. After establishing that relationship offer to take them for a week in the summer as long as you have full intention of returning them and it’s not a ploy to build evidence to keep them.
If you want kids in your home who have parents elsewhere sign up for foster care don’t target kids not in foster care and try to remove them from their home.
Anon
“If you want kids in your home who have parents elsewhere sign up for foster care don’t target kids not in foster care and try to remove them from their home.”
Exactly this.
Op
we have those options. this is not that. you’re the weird ones for jumping to such inane judgment.
this is concern about family and the ability to be there for them without having to consider if we can take them in, not weird stealing children fantasies.
Anon
Girl. You asked for their baby when they were pregnant! You definitely have weird child-stealing fantasies. I believe you care about these kids separate and apart from your own desire for children, but it’s hard to separate these things and I’d highly recommend some therapy to work through your feelings about infertility and help you figure out how you can best help your niece and nephew. I also think you should not be diagnosing your brother or your niece with bipolar disorder unless you’re a doctor or psychologist and it makes it hard to take you seriously when you’re speculating about other people’s undiagnosed mental health issues.
Anon
I agree that you should at most maybe offer to host the kids for a week or two in the summer. Talking to a lawyer is probably going to be extremely offensive to the kids’ parents.
anon
The most important question we don’t have an answer to, in my opinion: do you have a relationship with these children?
Anon.
I think you need to be a lot more thoughtful and structured about what involvement you’d like to have and why, with a focus on the kids’ wellbeing, not on your own underlying reasons like being childless or financially well. Gently, the way you wrote this it sounds like some random thoughts strung together.
For example, you wrote: “When they were pregnant, I told my mother we would adopt the baby. I don’t know how far the offer went.” Did you never directly discuss with your brother or then-gf about this MAJOR topic? Why is your mother an intermediary?
Also, there are many ways to support ANY children that don’t involve them living with you immediately.
– financial support for specific educational enrichment activities (piano lessons, sports clubs, after-school tutoring if they struggle at school, …)
– financial support with daily necessities (winter coats? food?)
– financial support for their future, like setting up college savings accounts or similar
– regularly spending with them at your home or outside (e.g. visiting zoos or museums if those are activities their parents wouldn’t be able to do etc)
– babysitting or other childcare
– hosting them for a few weeks in the summer
In my opinion, only if you’ve done a majority of those should you ever consider becoming a full-time carer for those kids.
The first step for you is identifying how have a closer relationship to the kids with the parents being aware and ok with that! I’m confused why you want to consult a lawyer at this point.
Anon
+1000. This is a more specific version of what many people have said above, and it’s very useful. I hope you take it to heart OP. The focus should be on the kids and how you can improve their lives, not how they can complete your own family.
Anon
You can do fun things, like take them back-to-school shopping and on vacations and day trips and pay for things like art lessons or fancy summer camps. College visits. Your college reunions. Being an aunt is the best thing ever (along with being a step parent). The relationship is what you make it. But it seems that you are not really in these kids’ lives. I’d start there — visit them and take them to lunch with your brother. See a local museum. Walk around the mall. See where you go from there.
Op
see above clarification.
brother is not mentally stable so looking for a third party/intermediary to discuss how and what help.
Anon.
I’m still confused. Can you not talk to your brother at all about coming over one Satruday to take the kids for a fun outing? That seems extreme, but obviously you know the situation. Does your brother not support any interaction you have with the kids? Are you present for their birthdays? Holidays?
Again, gently, you will not achieve more involvement of any kind without somehow talking to your brother or the kids’ mother.
Anon
Right. You don’t seem to understand that a lawyer/the government cannot force the parents to let the child see you. You have no legal right to visitation. Unfortunately, the only way to be in these children’s lives is to cooperate with one or both of their biological parents.
Anon
Do you know the kids’ mother? I’d maybe talk to the brother re this summer and a vacation and mention wanting to reach out to BioMom and see how that goes over. Mom may be an ally here or at least better off than your brother to facilitate help.
Anon
A lawyer can help set up a trust or similar. They cannot get visitation rights for you because you don’t really have a legal right to that. I hope that you can continue being a positive influence on the kids and in their lives, but lawyering up to get a visitation schedule or something is going to make the situation a thousand times worse. You should work with the kids’ parents to make sure you can keep seeing them.
Anon
An “intermediary” is just going to throw gas on the fire. If you can’t talk to your brother now, how on earth will that help things?
Anon
OP – my best friend’s brother was a meth user with serious mental health issues. She remained a constant, supportive presence in her nephew’s life as much as she could. (She had a high conflict relationship with her brother.) When he turned 16, her brother kicked him out, and the nephew turned to her for help. He lived with her for the rest of high school. She paid for his college (whatever wasn’t covered ny scholarships). She was his ‘home’ during holidays and school breaks. He is now graduating with a math degree and has a great job lined up in NoVa. She would have loved to have adopted him earlier, but it wasn’t possible. It would have saved him a lot of trauma which he is still working through. But she’s there for him now, and he is thriving because of it. Good luck – and please ignore all the commenters who have decided that you are a bad person or hate poor people. They are keyboard warriors who would never let their kids spend 1 hour with people like your brother
anon
“please ignore all the commenters who have decided that you are a bad person or hate poor people. They are keyboard warriors who would never let their kids spend 1 hour with people like your brother”
Some of us have been in the OP’s exact situation and learned through difficult experience what law enforcement or family court intervention can do to a family in crisis. Check yourself, you are very much viewing OP’s situation through your own lens and some awareness/acknowledgement of that would be useful. Some basic manners would be, also.
Anonymous
+1000
Ha
Thanks anon @12:27 – I respect you and your advice. You definitely haven’t wasted your time lecturing people on the internet. Excuse me, I have to go learn manners now
Anon
Ha – for the sake of all of us, I hope the lessons are successful.
Anon
Why do you think your brother would listen to a lawyer?
As for the money, you do the research about enrichment opportunities and say hey I found this really cool thing that I think X would love and I’d be honored to pay for it, does that work with your schedule? If they say yes then you get the kid enrolled and pay the place directly. You don’t need a third party for that.
You should focus on activities that can fit into the kids life without extra work from the parents if they are unreliable. For example, signing up for Saturday morning swim classes isn’t helpful if they don’t or won’t take the kid. More useful is to research the aftercare opportunities that are at the kids school or have bussing from the school so it’s seamless. Or cool summer camps that have a bus from their neighborhood. I’d propose offering to host the kids for either a month straight in the summer and finding them a cool camp near you, and maybe over time could stretch that to a longer chunk of summer (maybe broken up with weekends or weeks back home). You could also plan to spend a few days a month near them and stay in a hotel. Weekends would be nice so you could have longer chunks of time to go to museums, the library, the pool, a kids play, whatever, but also try to overlap with a school day so you can be part of that routine. And definitely set up 529s. Good luck.
Op
thank you. all great ideas.
the key issue is that bipolar parent will have wild swings. having an intermediary is really useful in communicating. if it was just someone who was financially challenged, the above is perfect and hopefully gives ideas to other aunts and uncles too. this is a little deeper so we’re trying to find the right path.
you’re right about activities though, there’s no point in paying for Scouts membership when the mom is too stoned to take them.
Seriously?
You can’t just propose adopting children who have two parents who have not indicated in any way that they want to give up custody. It sounds like you don’t even have a relationship with these children other than by blood. You think you’ll be better parents because you’re wealthy and have a stable relationship (for now… what happens if you divorce? You seem to be implying that children shouldn’t be raised by couples who are no longer together because *gasp* they may have to share a room at one parent’s house). Is the motivation here about these particular children, who don’t really sound like they need a savior, or is it that these may be the closest children to you genetically? Like others have said, why don’t you start by just being their aunt and uncle. Visit them. Invite them to spend some time at your house or take them on trips. Suggest some sort of Big Brother/Big Sister program in their area.
Hypatia
Are you in therapy to deal with wanting but never able to have children? Because getting a lawyer to take someone else’s kids, that you perceive to be available for /reasons/, without a legal context to do so, or an existing relationship with the kids (you watch their videos online?), or being ASKED, is just about the definition of outrageous. I think because you perceive yourself to have good and altruistic intentions, you’ve moved well outside looking objectively at what you are proposing. Kids sharing a living space is not grounds for being taken away from their parents. The option to attend a better school is not grounds for being taken away from their parents. You ‘expect behavioral issues’ – how about the trauma to children of their aunt hiring a lawyer to have them removed from their immediate family?
Anon
I’m surprised no one has mentioned your armchair diagnosis of your niece as bipolar. That kind of speculation from people who aren’t trained medical professionals is nearly universally seen as extremely inappropriate (remember the thread on autism the other day?) and is a good way to ensure you have no relationship with this child, regardless of your relationship with your brother.
Monday
I don’t see a source on her brother being “not mentally stable” either. Who made this determination, and in what context? If it was someone actually credentialed to make a diagnosis, they would also be a mandated reporter (in all states as far as I know). So this person would be obligated to call CPS if they had credible concerns about his kids’ safety.
Anon
That’s true. He has “undiagnosed” bipolar aka OP is just speculating about his mental health.
Op
this is my last defense back as people are making things up.
I didn’t say my niece was BP.
yes mandatory reporting should mean things like ensuring safe care but when the system doesn’t work, you have situations with mentally unstable people who have restraining orders against them who can easily buy and own multiple guns.
I’m not putting the entire story here, what I asked was what else to think of besides getting an intermediary to have a conversation on how we help 2 kids who didn’t ask for any of what they have experienced. if you didn’t like it skip to next post.
to those who read and responded with thoughtful comments, we thank you.
for those who shared similar experiences and stories, we thank you.
I’m not baby hungry, I don’t want to steal kids and I already have a very busy, full and happy life. through a lot of hard work and years of sacrifice, we find ourselves able to help kids who are related to us beyond the clothes and food and other things we’ve done.
imagine the outage if after saying the kids are not stable and safe, I suggested we just rely on social services, volunteers and your tax dollars.
Anon
On a side note – I cannot believe how cruel people are about infertility. Calling you barren or a baby stealer. I’m sorry that you’ve been treated like this.
Anon
You said “the oldest may also have some issues with either bipolar or mood regulation.” How is that not saying your niece is bipolar?
Anon
We can all read what you wrote, OP. Stop denying it.
You aren’t a psychologist so knock it off with the diagnoses. FYI, most psychologists don’t diagnose tweens with bipolar disorder (for various reasons), even if they show symptoms.
Monday
OP, you replied to me, but I did not make anything up. Your statements about the system not working seem like deflections from the facts at hand in this particular situation, especially since it sounds like said system has had no involvement at all.
Anon
Yeah, the “system” is not involved. I don’t think anyone on this thread is arguing that the system is perfect or even good, and I see discussions about the “system” as a total red-herring to your post.
Anonymous
This is really hard to negotiate. I tried paying for a private school that my sister wanted to send my nieces to, that had a great music program, and her husband got totally offended and from then on interfered with all my attempts to stay in touch with them. I would first try re-establishing yourself as an aunt active in their lives, and only after that is solid suggest anything further.
Op
thank you. this was a thoughtful response and I’m sorry for the opposition you faced. I hope you have time with your nieces now and continue to grow your relationship.
Anonymous
I do, after they divorced I was able to step back in.
Op
that’s good news (not the divorce part). how lucky you all are to have each other! I wish you a happy and healthy long life together : )
Anon
Before you take steps to propose taking children from their parents, why don’t you try to get to know them and figure out how to have a healthy relationship as an aunt and uncle?
Seventh Sister
Talking with a family lawyer might help you figure out how best to help your niece and nephew. That said, a good one is going to point out that for better or worse, the law tends to favor keeping kids with their own parents.
Having unmarried parents who don’t live together, going to a “bad” public school, or struggling financially aren’t usually “enough” to award custody to a different relative unless it’s what the parents want for the kids. Speaking as a parent who has arguably been in two of those three categories, I would have reacted badly if a relative had offered to take my kids because they owned several houses and had more money than I did at the time. Helping with financial stuff or offering to take the kids for a few weeks in the summer would have been gratefully received.
Anon
My mom has really happy memories of her aunt having her over for a few weeks every summer. I think was very normal back in the 60s when she was growing up! When I was growing up in the 80s, I sometimes stayed at my grandma’s for a few nights. It was like a special vacation.
Looking back with an adult perspective, I am sure it was also intended to help out with caregiving and give the primary caregivers a break, but I think that was a good thing too.
Op
hi 144 anon.
my mom has similar memories, it was a source of great joy for all involved. I’m glad you had the same experience!
Anon
Sounds like you’re trying to buy yourself a family. Yuck.
Anonymous
In case you’re still reading OP, I’m an adoptive mom upthread. Is there any chance you can just pick your niece and nephew up for dinner or ice cream or a movie once a week or a couple times a month? You have the advantage here that you can be the “fun” aunt and also offer a stable adult presence in these kiddo’s lives. Just keep it light at first. They may (probably) not talk to you about big stuff. But just letting them know “I’m here if you ever need anything or want to talk – even if it’s 3AM” is huge. Then see if you can leverage that into them staying with you overnight or in the summer or whatever they and you are comfortable with. I honestly think your heart is in the right place, but you gotta start small and earn their trust. It doesn’t necessarily matter if they go to “good” schools or have a stable home life. If you can be a stable adult figure in their lives that will make a huge difference.
Op
thank you. late response so I hope you see this too.
you are a thoughtful person and have a big heart.
knowing that we’re here, at any time, is a key tenet of what we want to provide them. these ideas are good ones for the periods where he is stable, thank you.
Favorite things
I could use some positivity on this dreary Friday. What are your favorite things? Or what are you looking forward to this weekend? Could be anything- face masks, tv shows, matcha brand, fav recent t shirt purchase, or an experience you’re looking forward to. Give us the good stuff! I always learn so much from this community. And TGIF!
Anon
My new favorite thing is making iced lattes at home with Chobani sweet cream coffee creamer! Tastes like ice cream.
I’m looking forward to wine, dumplings, and watching a movie on the couch with my husband tonight.
Happy Friday everyone!
Anon
I will be snuggling with the furball tonight, and having a glass of wine. I’m going the library at lunch to find some fun dvds to watch. TGIF!
Anon
My plans tonight got canceled so I get to stay at home and watch TV and order pizza.
Anon
Sometimes this brings me immense joy!!
Anne-on
I commandeered the TV this week and finally finished up Bridgerton this while nestled under a fluffy blanket, with two kitties purring on me and it was delightful, I totally recommend it :)
Vicky Austin
I’m so looking forward to Homemade Pizza Fridays with my husband again! Our oven finally got fixed after being on the fritz since Christmas and I have missed this little ritual.
Also, there are two boxes of Thin Mints in the freezer with my name on them, I plan to take a long rambly dog walk with an audiobook, and husband has hinted at brunch from my favorite little spot. It’s setting up to be a lovely weekend.
Anon
+1
We are a big fan of Pizza Fridays. Although we usually order out!
Vicky Austin
All Pizza Fridays are valid! :)
Shelle
Sharing a sweet moment that happened to me this week: I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies outside a grocery store because the kids were just so adorable and enthusiastic. The cookies were delicious. And I keep thinking of those cute little kids cheering like I made their day. It was like a Disney movie. Happy Friday!
anon
Awww! As the mom of a Girl Scout, this made me happy to read. It really does make the girls’ day!
Anon
I have a friends birthday party tonight, which should be a good time! And no other plans this weekend, which I’m hoping to keep that way so I can snuggle up at home and binge the national treasure series on Disney+. It’s so bad but so addicting.
Chl
Thank you for reminding me this exists! Weekend plans = done!
Anonymous
I have a three month old and some of my closest friends are coming over tonight to meet him! I’ve been feeling very isolated during maternity leave and I’m looking forward to some adult interaction.
Anon
Congratulations and have fun!!!
Anon.
Right now my favorite things are my new Pentel Energy Liquid Gel Ink 0.7mm ball pens in 10 different colors – those are the only pens I buy anymore. All other pens are crap and I will die on this hill. (And yes, I’m leaning into being in my 40s and opinionated about pens, lol.)
Also, I have chocolate cake in the fridge that my son and husband got me as a surprise when I returned from a business trip earlier this week.
Anon
This is my pen also. You are absolutely correct. I buy them in bulk (but in blue only) and use each one until it runs out of ink-there is no wasting of pennage on my watch.
bluebonnetanon
I feel that way about BIC Atlantic pens 1.0 or 0.8 in blue and black
Anonymous
These are my pens too!! Also in ALL the colors. I realized sometime last summer I was using all different kinds of pens, but only truly like these, so, why was I using other pens? (Answer, because they were just there). They last at least 18 months for me, are not crazy expensive and bring me joy. This revelation about these pens started me on eliminating things from my life that I was doing “just because it was there”.
Anon
We need another pens thread, I love strong opinions on pens!!
No one asked ,but… I alternate between Muji 0.5, Pilot Precise V5, and Micron 05. Always black ink! For notebooks, Clairefontaine quad ruled (white paper) or Muji lined (moleskine cahiers in a pinch), but I will buy anything cute with nice paper and light colored lines when I see it. I also got a set of HB pencils at CW Pencils (RIP) several years ago and I use them surprisingly often. I also use a hobonichi weeks planner with the pen that comes with it which is AMAZING.
eertmeert
The Micron 05 and Pilot Precise V5 for me as well. Obsessed. Especially the Pilot.
Anon
This means you haven’t tried the Sharpie S-gel.
cat socks
We recently finished watching The Good Place on Netflix. It was a fun. feel-good show
Anon
That show has my favorite last episode of any show I’ve ever seen. So fitting and perfect.
Anon
I think this was really polarizing! I liked the rest of the show.
Uploaded on Prime is also pretty good!
Anon
I have really enjoyed Abbott elementary as an equally feel good show. On Hulu
Anon
I’m watching the latest episode right now!
Anonymous
This is going to be a great weekend for me. My BF is coming to stay two nights in a row for the first time (we live about 1 hr apart now) and I also have two meetups with different sets of girlfriends — one for good wine and one for a brunch that will include a matcha latte I cannot wait for!
Anonymous
Hey Elizabeth – question on this shirt, I normally avoid boat neck because I hate tucking in bra straps all day. Would it be narrow enough of a cut that I could wear a normal bra?
Minnie Beebe
Not Elizabeth (though that *is* my middle name) but I have this shirt and it’s not a particularly wide boatneck so a regular bra works fine for narrow-shouldered me.
Anon
What are you all doing with your skinny jeans? It is time to shift my closet and I’m wondering if I pack the skinnies away to the attic, toss, or donate (but would anyone want used ones even)? I don’t wear them in the summer (too humid and sticky) and have really switched to full pants with a slight crop except when it is freezing. Keep in case I need next winter? Also, I am hanging my pants (cotton or blends that I don’t want to wrinkle); the jeans just went nicely folded in thirds into a drawer.
Anon
I’m still wearing them sometimes. Shrug.
Anon
+1 I wear mine a lot. It’s what I have and I feel good in them.
anon
Me too.
Liza
I still wear them. In addition to them being what I have, my husband being Gen X still thinks that skinny jeans are what is “trendy”, so when I wear boot cut jeans he thinks they are mom-jeans. He doesn’t believe me when I say otherwise. So, for date nights I still wear skinny jeans lol.
Anonymous
I wear mine. If you aren’t wearing yours just donate them.
Anon
If you’ve switched away from them, I’d donate them. It’s possible people still want them!
They’re not going to be on trend again next year, for sure. By the time they’re current again, who knows what size you’ll be or what iteration you’ll want (color, distress level, how skinny, etc). I just don’t see a reason to keep them if you’re not wearing them.
Anon
Not true – there are already whispers that they’re coming back. I’m keeping mine for this reason
Anon
I’m curious where you’ve seen these whispers!
Just one example
https://www.whowhatwear.com/chic-skinny-jean-outfits
Shelle
All the photo examples in the 12:47pm linked article are slim, straight, or can’t tell under knee high boots. Some cute outfit inspo though!
Anne-on
I’m keeping them for rainy/snowy days and to wear for work from home days when I’m not really seeing anyone else. I’m enjoying flares for date nights with heels and silky tucked in tops or ribbed sweaters/turtlenecks (I’m leaning into the way I wore them in the 90s/2000s and embracing a bit of a retro 70’s vibe).
Planning a shopping trip this weekend to try to find some straight leg jeans that I can wear for more casual weekend stuff. In the interim I’m wearing either leggings on the weekend or straight leg casual pants (the dance studio pants from Lulu).
Anon
Lol at the thought of wearing jeans to WFH. I could never
Anon
Different Anon here – I wear mine for WFH all the time. Mine are old and soft and were stretchy to begin with. Love them.
Anon
I keep at least one pair of jeans in just about every style, but I routinely donate all the pairs I’m not wearing. Styles change a lot even if the concept comes back (ex: my old flares are low waisted so even though the hem is back, the rise isn’t) and I’ve never loved an old pair I hung onto hoping it would come back in style.
Monday
I have some good/bad news about low rise jeans! They’re being pushed again in some corners, though uptake is slow. If you still like your old ones, you will look ultra current breaking them out again. Exposed belly button ring optional.
Anon
I saw a Nicola Peltz pic recent wearing what looked like Juicy Couture low-rise bottoms. Is acid wash denim also on the way back? Perms?
anon
Can confirm, but I’m going to keep this style in the very distant past. Not only are they very uncomfortable on my long-torso, I certainly have a pooch now that I didn’t in 2002.
Anon
I was out in Manhattan on a Saturday night recently and everyone under 22 was wearing low rise, flare jeans, many with contrasting stitching. People under 18 seem to be mostly wearing wide leg carpenter style jeans/pants. I felt like I had taken a time machine instead of the subway.
OP — I generally wear most clothes until they wear out, so I’m still wearing my 2 remining pairs of skinny jeans but the 2 pairs I wore more recently are straight leg. I live in NYC (though mostly spend time in Brooklyn) and I see all sorts of cuts of jeans.
Anon
You will never stand out in NYC. It is just not possible.
My flyover state: very lockstep with the trends in my smart-job area of my city. Glad I’m not in middle school.
Anon
Bad example perhaps? But I still don’t believe in keeping jeans you aren’t wearing. They don’t come back that fast (the low rise flares were like 20 years ago) and our bodies change. Not worth the closest storage space, IMHO.
anonshmanon
how dare you say the styles of my teenage years are 20 years ago when I am only…mid thirties!? Reminds me of a tweet I saw yesterday that said “I hate to break it to you this way, but next week is March!”
Anon
Lololol anonshmanon!!
Anonymous
Goodwill
Anon
I’m wearing some now. I have straight leg jeans too. Bootcut is not the shape for me and I can’t find them long enough anyway. I think it helps that the skinny jeans I have aren’t super skinny, like there’s some room around the ankle.
I will probably replace them with other styles as they wear out, but for now, I wear them on a cold day when I’m dressed casually and wearing boots meant for rain or snow.
Anon
Great pick. I loooove an elbow-length sleeve and they’re hard to find. I just wish J. Crew wasn’t so ridiculously expensive in Canadian dollars.
Jane
Thanks to all those who said Greece might not be the worst idea in April for a “finally able to squeeze in the much needed vacation”! Coming back to ask for any ideas/tips on best places, places to avoid, must do’s/sees/eats and nots to start planning the trip. Any hotels you recommend? Or neighborhoods to stay in? So far I am thinking maybe fly in and spend 2 nights in Athens followed by 2 days each in Santorini and another island (Mykonos looks better in quick images to me than Crete) and then back to Athens and fly out. Constrained by budget (flights are expensive from my city) and the fact that we can only afford a total of 10 days off at work (+ weekends). DH and I only, foodies, not much into drinking or the party scene (would we still enjoy Mykonos?) and want this to be lazy, luxurious, chill trip to just RELAX/ destress after 3 most stressful/worst years of our lives (caregiving, loss of life, jobs etc) that led to us being stuck with each other without a real vacay.
Anonymous
The point of Mykonos is the party scene. If that’s not your vibe go to Naxos. Great food, easy to rent a car and explore villages (it’s much smaller than Crete so you can really see it all). I’d fly to Athens for a night or two, fly to Santorini for 2/3 nights, ferry to Naxos for 2/3 nights, one night in Athens before flying home. On Naxos I really liked the Galaxy Hotel. Not right downtown but an easy walk, easy to get in and out of in a rental car, close to the beach. It will be too cold in April for beach swimming but should be fine for strolling.
Anon
Skip Mykonos if you’re not into the party scene. DH and I honeymooned in Athens, Santorini and Mykonos and while Mykonos wasn’t terrible, we definitely felt like we should have subbed in a different, more low key island because we aren’t party people at all. I would do more than 2 days in Santorini – it’s one of my favorite places in the world. I’ve heard good things about Crete but it’s so large I’m not sure it really has the same island vibes the smaller islands do. I would do Naxos or Paros for my second island personally. In Athens I think you just want to stay as close to the Parthenon as possible. We stayed in Hotel Plaka and it was great for our needs – reasonably budget-friendly, centrally located, nice views of the Parthenon from our room and hotel roofdeck.
10 days off work + the adjacent weekends is 16 days of travel, which is a very long trip to Europe for most people so I’m confused why you feel constrained and why you could only spend two days in each of three locations? Also you know yourself best, but when I’m looking for a vacation to recover from a stressful or toxic situation, I want to do something really chill like lie on a beach. I would think about whether this active Greece itinerary (which sounds great, don’t get me wrong) is going to meet your needs for this trip.
NYCer
Your proposed itinerary only sounds like one week. If you can take 10 days off work + weekends, isn’t that closer to two weeks? Why not do Athens for 2 days, Santorini for 4-5, and another island for 4-5?
NYCer
I will add, if you’re only going for one week, I would just do Athens and Santorini.
Anon
+1
Anon
Look into flying home from whatever island you visit rather than backtracking to Athens. We went last year and flew into Athens and out of Heraklion (Crete). We stopped in Munich and then had a nonstop from Munich to our US city.
Anon
It depends where your home is, but returning home via Athens may not involve any additional stopovers. There are non-stop flights from Athens to a bunch of US cities. When we went to Greece we flew Island-Athens-Home so just two flights.
Cat
If you end in Santorini, BA flies Santorini-London which is convenient for US connections.
FWIW I wouldn’t do 3 places in 7 days since you lose SO much time in the churn. I would do Athens and one island with that amount of time!
Anon
In my city, a current look is to wear a very fancy embellished sweater vest over a ruffle puff dress. I relate sweater vests too . . . Al Bundy? Definitely a dad look. Except spring 2023. I need an Easter outfit (visiting family I’ve not seen since the pandemic, country church, 99% of my clothes are four black office wear, so definitely not an Easter vibe). Suggestions?
Anon
This is what Hill House Home was made for. You don’t have to get a nap dress – they have lots of dress styles.
Anon
Check out Mille, Wayf, or English Factory. Example: https://www.shopbop.com/mixed-media-cable-knit-down/vp/v=1/1571434209.htm
And these bloggers will have good recommendations – Liz Adams of Hello Adams Family and Jen Shoop of Magpie.
Anne-on
Oh gosh those english factory shirt dresses are SO cute. I need to remind myself I do NOT need more dresses….
Cb
I really want a sweater vest. I really loved them in the early 00s but think the chunkier ones look really fresh and fun.
Chl
I have a club Monaco fit test chunky sweater vest I bought on poshmark and I love it!
Ribena
I got a black and white patterned one from M&S and I adore it – it looks kind of like COS. Although the barcode scanner in the charity shop always thinks I’m wearing a barcode, so I can’t wear it on volunteer days!
Anon
Oh my goodness…. that sounds hideous. I have to go search for a pix as my imagination goes wild.
Anon
That sounds very odd ! What city ?
Anon
I feel like Nordstrom is now mainly a drop shipper because most things I’ve ordered recently came directly from the brand. That said, this means they have tonnnnns of dresses to choose from. I’d browse through their website and use the filters to narrow it down. Doing so on a computer is much better than on their iPhone app.
Mocha Frappuccino
Two makeup questions as I’m tempted to be influenced by ads I’ve seen on IG! Has anyone tried the Il Makiage foundation? And what about Bobbi Brown’s new company – either her foundation or the magic balm?
Anon
We have the same social media ad stalker! Also curious about these.
anon
That Bobbi Brown product is tempting — I took the “quiz” for it to find my perfect color a while ago, but as I recall it’s shockingly expensive. Surely there’s a dupe somewhere, and if anyone’s found it, I’d be very interested.
This year I’m trying to use up my many many products and not buy anything, but if, say, ELF has a copy, I’d go for it.
Anonymous
I fell for Il Makiage’s ad and can report back after I get it.
Anon
I will confess to having been lured by Il Makiage and honestly I love it. It does need primer on my skin (at least in winter) but it goes on easily, stays on, wears well, and the color match was spot on.
And the customer service is great. The first one they sent me was just a tiny bit too yellow and they worked with me to find a better color and sent it for free (without making me return the first one). I find most foundations too cakey and love this one.
So at least for me it was well worth it.
A
Canadian here so I probably paid more than most folks, but exactly the same experience
First order was wrong colour, I emailed and received a new one free
It needs a little moisturizer but great coverage, I wear for in office days or evenings
Monte
Also have Il Makiage. It is pretty darn good. It is heavier/fuller coverage than I want on a day to day basis (especially in a fully WFH life) but is great for nights out.
Anon
Bobbi Brown’s new company is Jones Road. The two companies you missed are really opposites. The Il Mackiage is full coverage, full face of makeup. The Jones Road is a no makeup look.
Puffins
Any recent-ish recommendations of things to do/eat/see in Reykjavik? We’ll be there in August – already doing the Culture Night stuff – and are looking for things to do in the city. We’re also open to day excursions but not extreme hiking or glacier climbing!
Anon
Following! We’re going in July but only spending one night there before heading off to other parts of Iceland. Per your user name, I have a short puffin cruise booked for the late afternoon of our arrival day.
Vicky Austin
I think Senior Attorney went to Iceland not long ago, but she’s off on a different fabulous vacay at the moment, so definitely post again next week!
Hellooooooo
Following for May!
Sarah
I liked the maritime museum in Raykjavik a lot! Also definitely go to a hot spring. Blue lagoon is nice but gets crowded, worth looking at others as well
Trixie
Not to be missed is the Sky Lagoon. It is in Reykjavik, on the ocean, and is a large, natural style lagoon with lots of spa options, like an oil scrub, cold plunge pool, sauna and steam, etc. A swim up bar and so fun. Go for the full package, and spend a few hours there. Also, an odd thing but we loved it is a trip out of the city to the geo thermal plant and exhibition: Hellisheidi Geothermal Power Plant, Hengill, Iceland The plant exhibits explain how the energy is generated, and that HOT WATER is piped into the city of Reykjavik for general household use. It is about 1/2 hour outside of Rey. Enjoy!
Anon
+1 to Sky Lagoon (over Blue Lagoon all day long).
Anonymous
I highly recommend mini bus (not coach) tours I’d the Golden Circle and South Coast. So much of Iceland is seeing the nature sites was well as the city. You’ll find these tours have minimal walking etc and just take you to see the best bits with around 30 min at each location to wander at your own pace. I’d wear hiking boots for the uneven ground but you won’t actually be hiking.
Ribena
A friend of mine is a guide at a company that runs luxury yacht whale watching/ puffin spotting/ Northern Lights day trips out of Reykjavik – link to follow. She’s a ‘camp counsellor’ at the adult summer camp I go to and I would trust her with my life!
Ribena
https://seatrips.is/
Anon
What is this adult summer camp of which you speak!?
Ribena
It’s called ‘Camp Wildfire’ here in the UK – there are lots of options on the other side of the Atlantic! It’s adult as in ‘over 18s only’, not as in… ‘adult entertainment’
Hypatia
I enjoyed the tasting menu at Islenski Barinn
Anon
There is a paved walking path in the city that takes you by some lovely small falls. Google Elliðaárdalur walk or path. That should get it for you.
Working Hours
If you’re in-house counsel, how many hours a week do you think you are actually working? I’m trying to get an idea of what’s normal because I think what people do at my current company may be on the low side.
Anon
I work 40-45 hours a week, and very occasionally more for major projects.
Anon
It really depends on the week and what you consider actually working (are the social bits of otherwise work focused calls “work”).
It’s unlikely I ever put a true 40 hours of work in a week. I am in lots of meetings where I don’t have to actively contribute, so that’s a waste of time. I also am very efficient at my job and get things done quickly (I under promise and over deliver to keep my rep up). I work probably 30 hours a week of true real work? And that’s a stretch some weeks. I was rated a high performer last year and given a retention bonus soooooooo
DC Inhouse Counsel
Are you me?? Also about 30 hours of true work per week, but I’m very efficient and I suspect my co-workers work closer to 35-38 hours to do the same amount of work.
Anon GC
When you are GC, I would argue the social bits are definitely “work”. You are not being paid for transactions; you are being paid to be someone employees can and will talk to. I cannot begin to tell you how many conversations about weekend plans have led to discussions about things I need to know or have input on.
Also +1000 to the poster who said we are paid to think. I probably do not actively work 40 hours/week most weeks (although there are certainly weeks when I work substantially more). But I spend quite a lot of my “off” time thinking about my job, surfing the internet for information about how industry and competitors, following relevant people on social media, etc.
Anon
I made that comment and I’m also a GC :)
I do believe in the same philosophy for my team too. Obviously they have more heads down work to get done but it’s not a law firm where the value is hours billed. The value is in building trust so our advice is sought after and welcome. Basically a +1 to everything you said.
Anonymous
I average 50 (and we have to bill our time in house, so I know for sure!). Seems typical for most of my in house friends. It’s not 10 hours a day, but it fluctuates based on what’s going on. I might have a 40 week and then a 60 week. Or I might work 10 hours over a weekend and take a half day on Friday, etc. There’s a transaction component to my job which necessitates some night/weekend hours but they are very predictable so I don’t mind.
Anon
Out of curiosity, what is the purpose of billing your time?
Anon
I’m not paid to crank out briefs or work product, I’m paid to think and guide the company. Some weeks that’s 30 ish hours, others it’s 50+.
Sarah
What are some questions you would ask before taking a government job, particularly any that are different from what you’d ask for private sector jobs?
anon a mouse
If you are coming in with experience, ask about being bumped up on the leave accrual, or coming in with a year’s worth of accrued leave. For federal jobs, otherwise you earn leave verrrrrry slowly and it will take years to build up a reasonable amount.
Anon
+1!
Anon
Not a question, but negotiate all out on your where you start on the salary schedule. It is very hard to get raises that are other than lockstep without a promotion, so where you start almost entirely determines compensation moving forward. Also not a question, but maybe request that someone point you to retirement/pension plan summaries so that you understand that piece of your compensation. Ask if there have been salary reductions or furloughs in the last 15 years.
Scotland
It’s me again. Thanks to Cb for the input earlier this week!
We’ve booked our flights and now need to figure out travel within Scotland. I’m thinking that for the time we are in Edinburgh, we don’t need a car, but assume we will need one in Inverness. Would you rent a car in Edinburgh and drive to Inverness (and back), or would you take the train?
We will have 4 adults and 2 kids in car seats (which I assume we should rent there)
Ribena
Take the train! It’s a long drive to Inverness and not the easy ‘point the car in the right direction’ kind of drive, either. Plus the views from the railway are gorgeous! There are one or two LNER services per day between Edinburgh and Inverness which are more luxurious than the ScotRail services (they’re the ones that come up from London) – especially if you go First Class where there will be free tea, coffee, soft drinks, and booze, as well as food of some kind (depends on day and time whether it’s sandwiches or hot food)
Scotland
Very helpful, thanks!!
Cb
Seconding the train! Don’t drive in Edinburgh, it’s bonkers.
I’ve never been that far north so no recs.
Ses
Seconding the train. Every leg of driving through Scotland took me twice as long as I expected. The trains are so pleasant if you travel at off-peak times.
Scotland
Thank you!
Anonymous
Train!
Anonymous
I don’t disagree about the train advice, but check on rental car availability first. There aren’t going to be tons of cars that fit 4 adults and 2 car seats. Make sure you can get what you need in Inverness, which is much smaller than Edinburg, first.
Anonymous
I agree that car availability is an issue. I live in London and love going to the Scottish Highlands. We always get the train up to Glasgow, or sometimes Edinburgh, and then hire a car to drive further north. There are multiple car hire places in both of those cities so I never worry about getting stranded.
You may turn up to Inverness and have to take one of the five cars that they have left in an unsuitable size.
The drive to Inverness is beautiful and you get equally good views by car as from the train (although not so good for the person driving (usually me!) as you have to keep your eyes on the road).
Anon
I love the “party skirt” items that seem to be on offer everywhere. They are generally longer (b/w full and midi) and full and some sort of fancy fabric (taffeta, tulle, brocade, block print). I love the look. I love a long full skirt. Do you go to parties where people dress like this? To anywhere where people dress like this? I am blessed to run with a crowd (busy working teen parents) where if you show up, you get a gold star. No one dresses. No one cares. Getting out to a dinner with my husband is a miracle (and he is dieting, so that is out at least until after Lent, where he is also giving up things). I’d love to buy one, but worried it will sit in my closet as a museum piece if I don’t also have an outfit (which needs to be a bit casual) and event planned out in my mind. Help! I want a pretty thing (closet is mostly black items that just seem either angry or sad, especially in spring). But I need ideas for shoes, top, etc.
Anonymous
Honestly it’s a skirt and life is short. You aren’t 12 you don’t need to wear exactly what everyone else is. If you love it buy it. Wear it with sneakers and a t shirt to a museum. Wear it with heels and a tank to dinner or a date. Wear it with a Jean jacket to brunch.
Anon
+1 – my thoughts exactly
Anon
And PS – I have and love this one, it’s not too puffy IRL
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07X4VMZZH/
Sybil
Oh I had no idea what a party skirt would be but I love this! It’s so fun.
Anon
Buy this skirt and wear it with a crewneck sweater and some tough boots like combat boots and you won’t be overdressed, OP.
PolyD
I am far from trendy, but I’ve been contemplating a pretty skirt (like maybe one of those satin ones or a pleated one) that I think about wearing with a tee (maybe a graphic tee?) and a moto jacket, and maybe my pewter oxfords. Or, maybe a shirt tied at my waist, which I think is REALLY not current, but I’m short-waisted so tucking wouldn’t work (tucking might work for a more fitted tee).
Might be easier to wear these in warmer weather with sandals.
I’m sure some of the usual suspects here will flame me for being so out of fashion, but oh well. I say order a couple and try them on with things you already own and see if the skirt can fit in. I would wear a fancy skirt with a plainer top to my office on days I go in. Id also wear it out to lunch or dinner with friends, or to a show.
DC Inhouse Counsel
I’ve seen party skirts dressed down with a t-shirt, denim jacket and sneakers.
Anon.
I’m debating getting a midi tulle skirt myself. I’d pair it with sneakers or DocMarten-style boots, a jeans or leather jacket, and a chunky sweater or simple white T-shirt for a casual look.
Vicky Austin
Our client this week is a very progressive healthcare techy company, and I saw a woman in the halls wearing a long black tulle skirt (not too foofy, more vertical silhouette) with a shirt very similar to today’s pick and high ankle-strap sandals. She looked fabulous.
Anon
Are you the same person who is constantly overthinking about clothes? Just wear what you want to wear.
Anonymous
This. It’s ok to wear something different.
anon
Definitely sounds like the same rambling, anxiety-filled writing.
Vicky Austin
and use of slashes to shorten words – “b/c” or “b/w” come up a lot in the heavily parenthesized posts about the college application process too.
Anon
Stop it you guys. Just skip the thread if you don’t like it. Don’t be online bullies.
Anon
I will wear it grocery shopping. Links to favorites of folks, please?
Anon
I will wear it grocery shopping. Links to favorites of folks, please?
Cb
Buy it! I have colleagues where them to work with a chunky knit, or a dinner at a friends, etc.
Anne-on
I’m sale stalking this silky bias cut skirt – I love the look of them with chunky sweaters or sneakers and a tee in the spring. https://www.brooksbrothers.com/satin-bias-cut-skirt/WL00362.html?dwvar_WL00362_Color=BLCK
Anon
My granddaughter dresses like this. Regularly, say for lunch or to go to the playground or to take a nap. I think I need to move towards her approach of wearing what you love.
Anonymous
Oh honey. Buy the skirt. Wear the skirt. Be that woman. Invite a girlfriend out for cocktails and drink and gossip at the bar if you must, but wear the skirt. I’d rather be the lady in the tulle skirt while everyone else has a hoodie than worried about what other people think.
Anon
Toronto people! Where should I shop for size 14-16 petite suits? I’m coming from Manitoba, where my best option is Laura, so i’m excited to visit some shops in person.
Anon
Talbots possibly? Not sure if they have petite in stores though.
Seafinch
Was going to say Talbot’s, too. My store in Ottawa had a huge petites section.
Anon
Thanks! I’ve been the one in Calgary but they don’t carry suiting in store.
A
Melanie Lyne? It’s the next step up from Laura, same owner I believe
specific shopping help
Expert internet sleuths – I LOVE this dress but I don’t wear a lot of color. Does anyone know a brand or company where I can get this style of dress in a more neutral navy/ olive/ gray? For my purposes, price is somewhat not an issue – anywhere under $400 should be fine.
https://evereve.com/reya-dress-54598-c
Anon
No suggestions but that dress is great, I just ordered it! Fwiw, I find that color very easy to wear, especially in summer. Cute with leopard accessories or tans if that’s not your thing.
Anonymous
Lucky sizes only, but here it is in a mist green if that feels any more comfortable for you https://cloverlexington.com/products/amanda-uprichard-reya-dress-sea-mist
Hypatia
I would look at Massimo Dutti and Karen Kane for things like this
Anon
Ralph Lauren has a navy straight skirted shirt dress on their website.
anon
I seem to run into this problem every winter: my usual foundation starts looking really heavy on my skin. It probably has something to do with my skin being drier than usual (though I am moisturizing and exfoliating) and my winter pallor. I tried the foundation in a slightly lighter shade and it did not work at all. It just looked more ghostly and didn’t match. So, give me your dead-of-winter makeup tips because I am looking washed out, tired and unattractive. My overall coloring is muted so a bright lip is not it for me.
Anonymous
Try a lil bronzer
PolyD
I dab on some of my usual moisturizer first (after I’ve washed my face and applied product and let that sit for a bit) and then dab on foundation, then rub it on together. Doesn’t change the shade much and seems to help it absorb in better.
DC Inhouse Counsel
I have a different foundation from a different brand for winter. I went to Sephora and scheduled a shopping help appointment (it’s free if you spend $50) and the sales associate did a great job matching me with a new foundation for my winter skin.
Anon
I use a heavier facial moisturizer in the winter.
Anonymous
If you have a liquid highlighter, you might try mixing a small drop of that into your foundation before applying it.
Bette
Are you doing physical or chemical exfoliation? When my skin starts looking the way you describe it’s usually a cue that I need to either be more consistent with my daily Paula’s Choice chemical exfoliation (maybe bump to 2x day) or add in a peel once a week (and double, triple up on the moisturizing elements – add in a hyaluronic acid serum from the Ordinary, do sheet masks after more intense peels, maybe double up on nighttime moisturizer, throw some oil on there as a last step, etc).
startup lawyer
mix a dab of liquid bronzer into the foundation
Anonymous
Please please – how do I get used to drinking plain water? Preferably tap water not plastic bottled water? I just can’t seem to get more than one glass per day.
Anon
Is there a temperature you prefer? I use a brita filter at home and an insulated water bottle at home because I like my water is very very cold. I also drink way more water if I am using a glass or a metal bottle — can’t drink water out of plastic.
Anon
+1
I love cold water, I even brought a Brita pitcher to the office so I can have cold water – fridge temperature is my favourite.
Get a cute/trendy bottle like a Stanley cup!
Anonymous
Temperature is key for me…. But I hate cold water. Room temp water and seltzer all day, please! At restaurants I’m requesting them to hold the ice! Cold water gives me headaches and hurts my teeth. If I only drank cold water I’d probably only have half of one glass a day.
Cora
You should have a water bottle with you or water glass on your desk out at all times, that increases the likelihood a lot.
I like to put herbal tea bags (mint, lemon, green tea) etc in cold water and let it seep for some flavor – sort of like an easy cold brew.
anon
We have a water softener system with filtered water because the water straight out of the tap doesn’t taste good. So first make sure your water tastes good. I got one of those water bottles with the time stamps along the side. I know it’s kind of gimmicky, but it helps me keep sipping during the day. It’s a 32 oz bottle and right now my goal is to finish one of those bottles. I’m slowly working up to re-filling it and finishing the additional 32 oz during the day. I just hate drinking too much in the evening b/c I have to pee a million times during the night.
anon
Lots of ice is crucial for me!
Anon
I just drink (decaf) black tea. I almost never drink plain water.
HFB
add lemon or lime juice. fresh if you’re fancy, but i just buy the bottles of “ReaLemon” you find in the same aisle with the Goya products.
Anon
A big water bottle with a straw that you keep on your desk/in reach. The convenience makes it easy to mindlessly drink. (If I do this I will quickly drink 32 oz; if not, I get to dinner time and realize I haven’t had a drink all day)
Anne-on
+1 – it needs to live on my desk, ideally in a straw cup. I also chug a large glass of water first thing in the morning when I wake up, and another before I eat lunch. I hate drinking water and forcing myself to get in at least 2 big glasses a day avoids the dehyrdation headache at 5pm.
Anon
I tend to drink more if I’m using one of my glass water bottles. It probably in my head, but I think water just tastes better out of glass than plastic. I have a couple life factory ones, but obviously there are a billion water bottles out there.
Anon
On the flip side of many comments: I find I drink more water if, in addition to cold water, I keep a giant insulated cup of hot water that I sip through a straw. Having both hot and cold options greatly increases my intake.
Liza
I dono, I recently listened to a podcast that said the over-emphasis on hydration has been harmful because it causes people to channel their limited willpower and focus into something that ultimately doesn’t make that much of a difference. Our bodies will signal to us to drink when we’re thirsty. Water is contained in many forms, such as the food we eat and other beverages we drink. If you don’t like plain tap water, who cares? Are you light headed with brown pee from dehydration? If not, then why use your energy this way?
Anon
+1 I hate plain flat water. I drink a seltzer water or two and some tea and my urine shows up clear except for first thing in the am, so I have no major hydration issues.
Anonymous
You first am pee is supposed to be concentrated, that means the kidneys have been working as normal getting rid of stuff while you slept, so you’re obviously doing it right!
Anon
Excellent!!
Monte
I squeeze a lot of lemon into my water bottle. Like I frequently schedule grocery trips purely because I am out of lemons.
Also, when I am bored of tap water, I drink a lot of herbal tea. No calories, no caffeine, but it breaks up the monotony.
And co-sign our insane overemphasis on hydration lately. You don’t actually need a gallon of water a day.
Cat
Keeping it at your preferred temp and drinking out of a cup work for me. I HATE super cold water so fill a jug and leave it out overnight.
Anon
I use True Lemon packets.
Anon
(I guess this doesn’t qualify as “plain”, but it is convenient even as compared to lemon slices, and doesn’t involve sweeteners or calories.)
Bette
Soda stream was a game changer for me!! I almost never drink flat water anymore at home. I just fizz up a fresh bottle in the morning and take it into my WFH office with a fancy little water glass. I usually go through at least 1.5 bottles throughout the day.
Sasha
Seems simple but drink out of a straw. I recently switched to a water tumbler with a straw (the Simple Modern one that comes in 1 billion colors) and lid for my day to day water bottle and I drink way more than when I had a plain water bottle with an open neck
Anon
I drink more water when I have a particular water bottle or a cup with a lid and straw. But also maybe try herbal tea? I think most of my water intake comes through herbal tea that I drink all afternoon at my desk.
Traveling to Jordan
We’re going to be traveling to Amman in a few months. It looks like Royal Jordanian Airlines are the fastest AND the cheapest – wondering if anyone here has flown with them, and what your experience was if so. I’m wondering if there’s some catch I’m not seeing or something. TIA!
Anon
They’re fine. Definitely not fancy like Cathay Pacific or Emirates but I don’t think they’re worse than the three major US carriers.
Cat
Not specific experience with this airline, but if there’s any chance your plans will change, factor that in. We had to cancel a set of American flights and will have absolutely zero problem reusing the associated flight credit quickly. Not sure what Royal Jordanian’s change policy is… or whether you’d be able to reschedule a trip to use credit on that specific airline.
Anon
If you don’t want to reschedule the trip you can usually get a cash refund minus a couple hundred in cancellation fees. It’s annoying but isn’t going to break the bank.
anon
Royal J is lovely, if not super fancy, and generally had the best timings for us. It always felt like we were in Jordan as soon as we stepped on their planes. Depending on the season, you may be traveling with families and babies, so embrace the child-friendly culture, or be prepared with noise cancellation. felt like we were in Jordan as soon as we stepped on their planes. Depending on the season, you may be traveling with families and babies, so embrace the child-friendly culture, or be prepared with noise cancellation.
NYC hotel recs?
Recs for a $200-300 a night hotel in lower Manhattan that would be relatively quiet at night? Going for a long weekend trip with my husband, and we’ve always stayed in Midtown before, and I’d like to stay more like SOHO, East Village-ish area. But I also don’t want to be in a 5 story boutique hotel that’s got tons of clubs/bars around it as I like my sleep! I was looking at the Bowery hotel that was recommended here, but it’s a bit out of my budget for that weekend ($500+). TIA!
Anon
I’d check discount websites like Hotel Tonight. In general, room rates have just gone way up where what used to be a nice 200-300 room is 500+. You may need to up your budget or lower the hotel bracket you’re looking at, or maybe you find a last minute deal.
Anon8
I loved the Arlo midtown and looks like they have a Soho location. Very modern, sleek vibe with small but nice rooms and very reasonable prices. I would definitely stay there again.
Anon
Walker Hotel Tribeca
Denim jackets?
Do you have a classic denim jacket that you love? I’m looking for a timeless piece, nothing with ruffles, embellishments, super over-sized or whatever is on trend right now.
Does this unicorn exist?
Anon
Old Navy is where I got mine. It’s very basic.
pugsnbourbon
My sherpa-lined denim jacket from Levi’s is the best thing I bought last year. Size up.
Anon
Yes. Old Navy, Gap, BR.
anon
I got one from Gap many years ago and still have it. I think I also have one from Land’s End. And I’ve seen some at Kohls too from Levis.
anon
Yup. I found one last spring at Loft that is exactly as you describe. Old Navy has some, too.
anon
I got a Gap one that would fit your description on Poshmark a couple years ago. There are a ton out there at various styles and price points.
Anon
Target has some right now – Universal Thread.
Monte
Levi’s
anon
yes, jcrew
Anonymous
I have a Levi’s that I found second hand last year that’s exactly what you’re describing. I love it and plan to wear it until it falls apart.
MagicUnicorn
Outerknown
Anonymous
ThredUp has a ton if you are open to used.
anonish
Try Kut from the Kloth. I have 2 of their jackets and they have lots of stretch and are pretty classic.
Lizbet
Love mine from here! And available in plus (or at least it was).
Anon
Can anyone recommend an air mattress that my cats won’t pop? I’ve never owned one before but I have a friend coming in from out of town and I plan to give her my bedroom during her stay. I’d be sleeping on the air mattress. There’s no way to keep my cats away from it. From what I’ve read, it’s possible/likely they will pop it accidentally as soon as they hop on. Anyone have experience owning an air mattress and cats and can recommend a tough brand? Willing to spend around $120-$140.
Ribena
Could you get a Futon style folding bed instead? Link to follow
Ribena
https://www.futoncompany.co.uk/shop-by-product/sleepover/cube-bed-coast-weave-cover-magazine-pocket-version.html
Anonymous
Get a folding cot instead with a mattress. We got one for like $125. It can be a little dangerous to put together (pinched fingers), but way more comfortable.
anon
Can you cover it with a thick blanket? Unless the cat has it’s claws extended when they jump on it, I think it should be okay. I mainly have problems with my cat’s back claws. We have leather furniture and there are a couple of scratches from when they jump off randomly to run around like maniacs. I would make sure their claws are trimmed.
Anon
When we’ve used an air mattress, our cats weren’t actually very interested in it- I think the way it feels isn’t very appealing to them. But keep it well covered with sheets and blankets and put away when you’re not using it and it will probably be okay.
HFB
unfortunately, there is a very good chance they will pierce it if they get near it. i lost a couple air mattresses that way. i would try covering it with an extra thick mattress pad which will cover the top, AND draping a nice thick comforter over the whole thing which will cover the sides. good luck.
anon
We have a 6in folding camping memory foam that works so much better than an air mattress. If it is just you, get the twin. It will be about the size of a large suitcase to store (only downside). Co-signed, proud owner of a large tabby that thinks sheets are meant to be played with.
Anon
I’ve often used air mattresses, and never had an issue with my cats popping it. That never even occurred to me as a concern, and they often play on it when it’s out. I also just get the cheap Coleman ones from target.
I just cover it with a blanket under sheets (so that the air mattress isn’t really cold on my back), and then put blankets over it. But even when I’ve left it uncovered, they haven’t popped it
Serafina
I’ve had multiple air mattresses and two cats who really enjoy being on the air mattress (come running when they hear it inflate). They’ve never popped one. We do keep their nails trimmed, maybe that helps?
Anon
Would love to hear thoughts on this: Americans Lost $603 Billion by Sticking With Big Banks. Here’s How.
https://www.wsj.com/video/series/dion-rabouin/americans-lost-603-billion-by-sticking-with-big-banks-heres-how/0A3AD04B-4094-4F39-A9B6-A4781CE1E247
We have been with Bank of America forever, despite their piddly interest rates and high fees (our small business bank account costs us $16 per month if we don’t maintain a balance above $3,000 at all times, which we sometimes don’t when we have a big expense month). I would love to switch banks, but we have almost all of our bills set up on autopay and all our accounts are linked, and the process of switching over our direct deposits and then changing all our billing information across all of our utility accounts and subscriptions just seems incredibly daunting. Has anyone ever successfully switched from a big bank to a small bank without losing their mind?
Liza
The reasons you set forth in your post are exactly why I’d dispute that these amounts are “lost.” There is a significant value in convenience, history, reliability, etc. That’s why the non-big-names have to offer big incentives to get people to switch.
Anon
I think interest rates and fees are fairly separate issues. For interest, you’re generally going to do a lot better with CDs or special high-interest rate savings accounts like Capital One or Ally. But yeah I’ve always banked at smaller banks and credit unions that don’t have fees or high minimum balances on checking accounts.
Anon
I’ve always used big banks, but refuse to pay fees. Most accounts have multiple ways that you can get the fee waived. I would find one that you can consistently meet, and do that. Spending $200 a year for the “privilege”of using a bank is a waste of money
Anon
We have both. I have direct deposit and autopay at USAA, which does actually have quite low fees, but we also added a savings account and no penalty CDs at Ally for anything we won’t be spending on a month to month basis. It’s easy to transfer money back and forth. We’re at a stage of life where we have a pretty significant emergency fund that we don’t want to invest, so we make thousands of dollars each year in interest. If you have less money in your savings account, it won’t matter as much.
Anon
This one is for my fellow migraineurs– I just gave myself my first injection of Ajovy! I was super nervous since I hate needles and had read online about it hurting, but I didn’t even feel it. My doctor said most patients have no side effects and have a significant decrease in their migraines. Fingers crossed!
Anon
Thanks for sharing. Good luck!
Can you tell us how hard was it to get coverage from your health insurance? And I take it you don’t have a high deductible plan, since that med is v. pricey.
Like did your doctor have to document you having failed a certain number of other medicine trials before you could get approval? Did you have to file an appeal?
Thanks for sharing.
Anon8
This first dose was a sample from my doctor’s office, so haven’t dealt with insurance yet. I’ve “failed” on two other preventive meds, so I’m hoping that’s enough to get it covered. My doctor told me there’s also a savings program through Ajovy so that it’s $5 per month for the first year (I think), so I’m also looking into that.
Anon
Good luck! I had really terrible itching at the injection site for about a week, but no other side effects. Unfortunately, it also didn’t really do much for me and my insurance wouldn’t cover it unless I stopped botox for four months first, so I only did a month of the free sample and then gave up on it. My neurologist said you’re supposed to give it three months, but the people it really works for usually see some improvement within the first month so it didn’t seem like it was worth stopping botox to try it longer, though it would have been nice to know for sure. Hope it works better for you!
anon
One of my friends (who is out of state) is having a D&C. What could I do to support her? I want to at least reach out to check in but don’t even know what to ask or say (how are you doing doesn’t feel appropriate).
Anon
“How are you doing” is pretty much always appropriate.
Can you send her dinner that night so it is waiting for her? She can put it in the fridge if she isn’t feeling great and can have it the next day.
D&C can be done for tons of reasons so I don’t know if it is because she is having bleeding problems or they need to do a biopsy or to have an abortion by choice or because she sadly is having a spontaneous abortion and needs assistance with completing it or….? But whatever the reason, it is always good to ask if she is having any pain/issues, encourage her call her doctor if anything feels off, and to help distract her if that’s what she needs.
Anon
Saying “how are you doing” is better than saying nothing, but it’s not great because it puts the burden on her to respond.
Anon
I guess we are different.
It didn’t even occur to me to text her. I wouldn’t even bother to respond honestly to someone sending something so… sterile.
If I was close enough friends with someone that I knew they were having a D&C, I would call her. And I would hope someone would call me.
When it comes to life events like this, I am startled with the loss of support and intimacy that technology has propagated.
Anon
I guess we are different.
It didn’t even occur to me to text her. I wouldn’t even bother to respond honestly to someone sending something so… sterile… as a text of “thinking of you”.
If I was close enough friends with someone that I knew they were having a D&C, I would call her. And I would hope someone would call me.
When it comes to life events like this, I am startled with the loss of support and intimacy that technology has propagated.
I hope you don’t text your parents when they come out of surgery… ?!?!
Anon
Yes, I’ve texted my parents about medical issues, including fairly soon after surgery? They’re not 100 years old and they know how to text. Hospitals generally don’t even let you make phone calls, so there’s a real advantage to communicating over text/email while hospitalized. Why are you $hitting on me for saying I’d text a friend support? If I knew that a friend preferred a phone call, I would do that, but please trust that I know my friends and in a situation like this they’d prefer to communicate by text where there’s no immediate pressure to respond or talk if they don’t want to. There are many things I hate about technology, but I see the ability to communicate by text and email in stressful situations as a huge blessing.
Sunshine
A different situation, but relevant to your comment. As someone caring for a parent at the end of life, I really appreciate when people text rather than call. In fact, I ask people not to call. I can respond to texts in short bursts and enjoy doing so. A phone call is rarely fewer than five minutes and oftentimes more. If I have that much time available at once, I either have a task I need to be handling or I need a break.
anon
I had a D&C at 9 weeks for missed miscarriage and I did not speak to my friends about if via phone for days. Other than my parents and husband, I couldn’t talk to anyone about it without breaking down in tears. Their texts of support were deeply meaningful to me, and I could respond to them when I felt able to instead of having to answer a phone call that came at a moment when I was really not up to speaking. If you find texting sterile, that’s fine, but that is very much a personal preference, not an absolute.
Anon
Wow… you guys are just so different from my friend circle.
Anon
Ok…that doesn’t mean you’re objectively right and we’re objectively wrong, which is what you seem to be insinuating.
Anon
A person who’s just had surgery usually isn’t up for a phone conversation, and the caregiver is typically busy taking care of the patient and doesn’t have time for calls with friends and family. I talk to my parents on the phone regularly, but when my dad recently had surgery we relied on texting so my mom could give me updates from the hospital and I could convey my well wishes without taking up much of her time. I eventually had a phone call with him, but it was after he’d been home from the hospital for a week or more and was basically recovered. I don’t think this is weird at all!?
Curious
I couldn’t deal with most calls during chemo. Totally overwhelming. Texts were my lifeline.
Anonymous
I’ve had two and they were completely painless afterwards; I just had grogginess for a few days from the anesthetic. But yes, dinner would be great. Any food, really. And of course the reason she’s having it would tailor your response, although I don’t see how “how are you doing?” would ever go amiss, being open-ended.
Anon
In this case, “thinking of you” might be a better text – it doesn’t obligate her to respond, but she could if she chose to.
Anon
+1 I would add “I’m here if you want to talk”
Anonymous
Yes. I will often say thinking of you and hope your recovery is going OK. No response needed.
Anon
“Thinking of you. Hope you are doing ok. Here if you need anything” along with an UberEats or seamless gift card
Sunshine
I would send flowers with a “thinking of you/wishing you a swift recovery, Love me” type of note.
Anon
How do you help people you manage get more confident exercising discretion and putting their ideas out there? I am a partner at a small law firm, and manage junior attorneys who generally have either very little prior work experience or came from biglaw where their assignments were very limited and structured. Because of our lean staffing, even junior people really need to own their work, make recommendations, and use judgment (like on a meet and confer deciding whether to accept a compromise offer or keep pushing or if a project is not going well knowing to flag that and suggest modification). For some people, it is really hard and doesn’t get better – like there is an anxiety block in the way.
Things I am already doing:
Acknowledging this dynamic up front and that the role involves using your judgment and I know that is new and can be challenging.
Having people send me their plans in an email and talking through them / role playing various scenarios.
Talking about things I have done wrong or in retrospect wouod have done differently.
Anonymous
You may be doing this, but I have found it helpful to talk through our high level goals. Is the client most concerned about cost of the production, or about protecting against disclosure of certain information? Are there unique privilege or privacy issues? With that framing, they will feel more comfortable knowing what will best protect the client.
Anonymous
I think they need to have confidence that you will have their back once they exercise their judgment on an issue — even if that ends up being a decision different from what you would make or is in retrospect a (small) mistake. I think the fear that they will be second-guessed on a decision they make (or worse) by higher-ups creates that anxiety block you speak of.
Anonymous
+1
Liza
Maybe this is encompassed in the second item, but you need to give them guidance on HOW they should make these decisions. What principles and issues should they be spotting, considering, and applying their judgment to? Think back to what it was like to be a junior lawyer in the room – you didn’t even know where to start analyzing issues or what kinds of input would be helpful.
For example, on a meet and confer deciding whether to accept a compromise offer – what risks/issues/pros/cons do you want them to consider in every single meet and confer? Make them a cheat sheet or bulleted list or guidance document of how to think through the process of making the decision:
– What has the client said they will or won’t accept
– How does the offer compare to our best and worst case scenarios as we expected them to play out
– Does the client’s interest in ending the matter change the reasoning
– Are there terms other than the amount, and what might those be and how should the junior lawyer think about them (i.e. if the payment won’t be made until 2025, how does that impact the analysis?)
These are just off the top of my head but junior lawyers don’t even have enough experience to recognize these issues or what their significance is. You can’t just tell them “use your judgment” – that’s what experienced lawyers get paid for, the development of their judgment over time.
SLC Attorney
This is going to sound harsh, but getting people to “own their work, make recommendations, and use judgment” in high risk scenarios (like litigation and transactions that mean a lot to people even if they are not high dollar amounts) is what you get from experience. Getting those things from people with no experience, or their experience has been (as is largely the case in biglaw) that they do not own the work, make recommendations, or use their own judgment, is a very tall order. The only way to get around that reality is (1) providing a great deal of oversight/training, (2) express complete confidence that they will handle things correctly, (3) impose very limited consequences if people do mess up, (4) give your reports lots of resources for them to figure something out that will not entail going to you (e.g. Westlaw, CLE library, other online materials, contact info for other experienced attorneys either within your firm or outside of it that would be willing to answer questions), and (5) foster a culture in which you communicate to these junior attorneys “hey, I know it will take you a bit to get comfortable being the lead with this project and getting up to speed on the matter” by allowing generous write-offs for time spent researching or reaching out to more experienced practitioners, higher bills to clients because of this additional time needed, and recognizing all of that time as put towards their billable hour requirements (even if it is written off or otherwise uncollectible).
Anon
Anyone have interesting birthday present ideas for a four year old? He’s one of those kids who never wants to sit still and constantly wants to take things apart and make things move and light up and make noise (but his parents might prefer a gift that isn’t too noisy). Looking to spend $25-50, and need to be able to order it online (or otherwise have it sent across the country, plus there aren’t many shopping options locally). Thanks!
Anon
My kid turned 5 yesterday and got this robot (https://www.amazon.com/Marvel-Amazing-Friends-Electronic-Sound-Activated/dp/B08TKBKTXG/) which is a character from a kids Spiderman show. She’s OBSESSED. I think most preschoolers would enjoy it if even if they don’t know the show.
Anonymous
Stomp rockets
The Battat Take Apart Truck (or one of their other take apart vehicles) is great, has a moving part (the drill) but is quiet and not annoying
Anon8
+1 for the take apart truck! I got it for my nephew for Christmas and it was a big hit
NYCer
My just turned 4yo enjoys the game Zingo. [It is not light-up or noise making though, but I can’t tell if you want a gift like that or not.]
Anonamoma
+1 for Zingo. My daughter is one of the kids who never stops moving, and she loves that game. She also got it for her 4th bday. Only downside is that it’s very popular, so definitely include a gift receipt in case it’s a duplicate.
Another idea that my 4-year-old loves is an “explorer kit.” It came with a bag, hat, butterfly net, little case to hold bugs you catch, magnifying glass, binoculars, and some other little tools to go outside and explore.
Anon
Thanks for the ideas so far, these look good. And just to clarify, I’m sure he would love the loudest and most obnoxious toys available, but for his parents sake, I’m looking for something that hits that vibe without being too annoying. It’s definitely not the kind of toy I ever had any interest in as a kid and I don’t have kids, so I feel poorly qualified to evaluate!
Anon
My kid really likes magatiles. They have little car bases plus regular sets.
Anon
Magna tiles
Curious
someone here recommended Robot Turtles when my nephew was that age, and it was a huge hit. YMMV with a very active kid like you describe
Anonymous
Snap Circuits!