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These black pants with tiny polka dots look fun without being too whimsical for an office setting. The flat front is very crisp-looking, and I think a mid-rise is flattering on most people. I would wear this with a black top and white blazer this summer and switch over to a white top with a red or burgundy blazer for the fall. The pants are $395 and available in sizes 2–16. Franca Polka-Dot Stretch Polka-Dot Pants Similar pants with just-the-right-level-of-whimsy at lower price point can be found at Old Navy, Lord & Taylor, and Nordstrom Rack — but they're all down to lucky sizes only. If you're looking for plus sizes, these cropped pants look cute. Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
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- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Amanda
I’m planning a memorial/celebration of life for a close relative that passed away. It will take place at a restaurant (we have the entire space) . I have no idea how many people will attend, other than about 30 family members. She had a lot of friends, so I’m assuming a lot of people. It is at a restaurant because the owner is a friend of the deceased, but there will not be a full meal, just some apps and a cash bar. My question is, what exactly should happen at this event? I will have pictures displayed throughout and (hopefully) a slideshow playing. It’s scheduled for 2 hours and I don’t know what else to plan during that time. I’m trying to get a friend of hers to speak. But aside from that, any ideas? I don’t want my relatives to show up (most are traveling from out of state and this is the only thing happening, no traditional funeral, viewing, etc.) and be disappointed that there is not anything “more.” Any thoughts, ideas, suggestions?
Anon
In addition to someone doing a eulogy or similar, someone could read a poem that she may have liked. Another idea is to have kind of an open mic to let people share stories or memories. If you go that route, I’d let some people know in advance and see if you can count on a few people to share a few sentences to get it going. This kind of event sounds lovely.
Anonymous
I would expect a service of some sort. A few people speaking, maybe a reading or two?
NOLA
We had a dinner at my Dad’s golf club the night after his funeral and we just invited everyone to stand up and talk about my Dad and tell stories. There were so many childhood memories for us, my mom’s family, and my cousins. It turned out really sweet. Oddly, my Dad had a heart attack and died at the first tee of that golf course, so many of us walked out on the terrace afterward to look out there. It was exactly how my Dad would have wanted to go, but still really hard. At any rate, perhaps have a microphone that can be passed around so that people can talk about her and tell stories. Can you have her favorite foods or things that might be meaningful? We also did a slideshow and photos.
Never too many shoes...
I am sorry for your loss, OP.
I was recently at a small memorial service where everyone was given a stem of the deceased’s favourite flower and there was a vase up near the front where some pictures were placed. After the formal speeches, everyone was invited to come and place their flower in the vase and, if they wished, to say a few words. It was very informal and funny and sad and really lovely.
Have you considered in addition to a friend speaking, maybe reading of some poetry or passages that she liked or playing some music that she loved? That might make it a bit more intimate.
Lastly, I know you said cash bar, but you might want to consider one round of something that she liked for everyone to raise a toast to the deceased and the love that she brought to the assembled company.
Anonymous
Re one round of something – what time of day is the memorial? If it’s during the day on a weekday, I would really advise against toasting with an alcoholic drink. Most people are going back to work after. It’s a little weird and awkward to have an organized toast with the deceased’s favorite booze in the middle of a workday. Of course if it’s in the evening or on a weekend then this doesn’t apply.
Anonymous
It’s not weird at all.
Mid life crisis??
+1
Pj
Try not to worry about it. You are better off not having it all structured and planned out. People will mingle and talk. It is a good opportunity for your relatives to catch up with everyone. My friend did the same thing when her brother passed away and various relatives and friends told stories about him. She didn’t ask anyone to speak beforehand but after she talked about her brother, she invited people to share stories and they did. People won’t be disappointed. They will be happy that someone planned something to celebrate your relative and to have the opportunity to get together and reminisce.
Cat
– Have her favorite music playing
– Have a guest book
– Have suggested ways for people to honor her (donations to X charity?)
– Even though it is at a restaurant, would they allow outside food in this instance? Some guests could bring her favorite desserts?
– Invite guests to send you photos for the slideshow in advance (way easier than making a bunch of physical displays)
– Invite guests to email you short — like 3 sentence max — memories so they could be in the slideshow too (make sure the slides are set to display long enough to read them) — this could be in lieu or in addition to the “open mic” approach, which to be quite honest I would not prefer to participate in (feeling “on the spot” with public speaking at an emotional time = difficult for many)
Cat
I would add — if it is in the budget, it would be nice if you could serve one round of drinks (one glass of wine or beer per person?) so that everyone can feel included in a toast.
Ellen
I agree with Kat. If there are going to be appetizer’s, then you should make sure there is at least some water and soft drinks (free) so that the guy sponsoring it won’t be viewing it as a cash register for him @ the bar. I think people will be greatful for having some free liquids, especially in this heat. Worse comes to worst, you can just go to Trader Joe’s and buy about 20 two liter bottles of seltzer water and Canada Dry ginger ale, cups, and some ice so that people can serve themselves. It is sad when someone passes away, but you will be viewed as the savior for hydrating them at the service for less than $50.
S in Chicago
Don’t force anyone to speak obviously, but I wouldn’t cut that short like three sentences or leave it too structured. My favorite memories from when we did something similar after my dad died were all of the funny and sweet stories folks told. Some were a little naughty. There is no way I would have gotten to hear any of that if it was framed as “Come with something to say” or “Write three lines.” I think there also were folks who probably wouldn’t have been comfortable speaking until they heard others.
Normally I’m all about whatever makes all guests happy. But in this instance I don’t think someone’s own hesitancy should be used as a means to dictate such that it may ruin something that can be so very important to others.
Truly, it’s been a few years now. I can’t remember what we ate. I’m not 100 percent on every person (or even many) who was there in our small group. But some of those stories about my dad still live with me now and bring a smile or give me courage when I need it. It was so comforting to hear about him as a teenager trying to get away with something (it was a big something) or beings a new manager who had rocks thrown at him for crossing a picket line because he needed to support my mom and us right after I was born. Those wouldn’t have been put in writing on a slide show or maybe wouldn’t have been shared at all if the teller was given enough time to stew about sharing.
Anonymous
I’m very sorry for your loss. The last celebration of life I attended was at a restaurant. There was a display with pictures near the entrance, along with a guest book. The family invited everyone to wear the deceased’s favorite colors and specified no black – it was really beautiful to see a sea of happy colors (ymmv of course).
They had a service that followed the same basic structure as a (Christian, since that’s my only frame of reference) funeral service, just without the religious element. A family member was the officiant, there was a scheduled eulogy and some scheduled shorter talks from other family members, and they invited anyone else to speak if they wanted. Some people read poems. They also had music by a local musician that the deceased liked – the music started and ended the ceremony, and they had a song before the eulogy/readings too. They had programs printed, though I don’t think that’s necessary if you don’t want to. Don’t worry about having enough seating for everyone; just have a few rows of chairs and people can stand behind that. The service was less than an hour and it was only that long because a LOT of people got up to speak.
Anon
I recommend an open mic to share memories and the slideshow that you mentioned. It might be nice to do one or two more prepared speeches as well, but there is no one way that celebrations of life have to be done.
Anon
Have a time where people can come up to the front (a mic if possible) and share their memories. That is always the best part.
Anonymous
When we did this for my grandmother, we had food, photo albums, and some of her crafts on display. People showed up as they pleased, ate, chatted, and mingled. There was no planned activity and it was fine.
Anon
The pattern is okay. But I hate the ankle length cut
Anon
This length reads awkward to me because it’s not truly angle length. It’s somewhere between ankle and capri.
Cat
Same. A slightly-cropped flare totally stumpifies me. I will be giving this trend a WIDE berth even if that means I don’t buy pants until 2021.
Ellen
I kind of like these, but my tuchus is to big to make these work. When you look at the Neiman Marcus pictures, it is clearly designed for someone with a flat tuchus. The fact that they may stretch does not mean they will look good on me and others with an oversized tuchus. If anyone has a different experience, let me know! YAY!!
Monday
Look who’s here! It’s been such a long time, 3llen. Are you aging or nah?
Anon
She’s been here the whole time, but they don’t let her posts out of mod until way later. I’ve gone back to check on responses to stuff I’ve posted and noticed a ton of new Ellen posts.
Anonymous
Funny, I always assumed the poster was a man.
Anon
They’re not polka dots. They’re Swiss dots. Not every dot is a polka dot.
Mpls
Uh – no? Polka dot is a print. Swiss dot is a type of fabric – 100% cotton, sheer, with flocked dots. This is not Swiss dot. These pants are not made of swiss dot fabric.
The word “dot” now looks really weird to me…
iced coffee
Oh for forks sake…
Metallica
What?! Now I’m enraged.
Anon
Shoot, and I just ordered these to wear to a company polka event!
Cordless Wood Blinds
Can anyone vouch for a particular brand of cordless wood/faux-wood blinds? I’m seeing terrible reviews on most sites, but due to crazy pets I’m not willing to go corded.
NOLA
The faux wood blinds that I have, which are just the regular brand carried by Home Depot, are now all cordless. I have only one set of the cordless, but there is virtually no difference. They’re all good.
Annie
+1. We were really happy with our home depot cordless blinds.
Keek
Blinds.com has the most incredible customer service I’ve ever encountered, so I’d start there. I bought a 105″ seamless shade from them that was 1/8″ too long, they sent another at no cost to us in about a week. Great quality as well.
Calling DC rettes
DH and I are thinking about relocating to the DC area from a MCOL small southern city. We visit a few times of year and it would be a great place for our careers, but I am concerned about the living situation. We love our current home and neighborhood so to give that up we would want something comparable. We would want to rent a newish home with high end finishes and at least a small yard with no more than a 30 minute commute into the city. We don’t need it to be big but we would like it to be in a nice walkable neighborhood for dog walking and running. Is this possible? And what would the cost be? HHI around 400k but I wouldn’t want to spend more than 5k or so a month. I’ve casually looked online and don’t see much.
Anon
Good luck finding a30 minute commute anywhere, unless you live within walking or biking distance. Commuting in DC is the thing I miss least about living there.
Anon
I can’t think of anywhere in Virginia or Maryland that is reliably a 30 min commute where you can rent a house. I would look in NW DC west of the park (Woodley Park, Cleveland Park, American University Park, Tenleytown, maybe Chevy Chase or American University Park but the commute would be longer) or Capitol Hill. But I think you are going to have a hard time finding a house updated with high end finishes for $5k a month.
BaltAtty
I lived in Chevy Chase and we looked at houses there but ultimately, it was too expensive. I don’t think you will be able to find a house updated with high end finishes for $5k a month in this area (which includes Woodley Park, Cleveland Park, AU, Tenleytown).
Anonymous
No that isn’t possible.
BabyAssociate
I think you could possibly find something in the price range in the near suburbs, but I agree with Anon about that 30 minutes would be tough unless you really luck out and get something right on a metro line.
anon a mouse
It will depend on where you are working — DC is big and 30 minutes from the Hill is an entirely different radius than 30 minutes from Georgetown. Do you need 30 minutes by transit or driving? If you want high-end finishes and a small yard, you may find something in a townhouse (or you may need to look at a duplex in a split townhouse). You may like Friendship Heights or Capitol Hill in DC, or North Arlington (Ballston/Clarendon) in Arlington. If you want something a little more suburban, I’d look in north Old Town Alexandria.
anon
+1, I work in NE DC and work in Dupont circle, and that’s reliably 40-55 min by metro/walking for me. The specific locations here matter a lot.
Anon
Those are a lot of boxes to check for DC. It does exist but you’re likely to spend over $1m unless you’re willing to move to NE, parts of which might not be newish or safe/walkable at all hours of the day. Some neighborhoods to consider: King Street, Arlington/parts of NOVA generally, Cathedral, Tenleytown. I would ask yourself what you really want because a lot of your items are in conflict, for example: newish home is not likely to be within a 30 min commute radius; same goes for pairing a yard within a 30 min commute. These are just aspects of moving to a bigger city, even though all things considered, DC does have some residential neighborhoods and is much greener and less congested than an average big city.
BaltAtty
Brookland (over by Catholic U) had some reasonably affordable houses (for DC) but then you are factoring in the commute; there is the red line at Brookland or green line at Fort Totten. Also, when I left Brookland for Chevy Chase (this was in 2016), Brookland was in the middle of being really built up so the prices may go up. But still worth a shot. Maybe also look at Petworth, Bloomington, Rhode Island. They are adjacent to Brookland and being built up but not as built up as the middle or NW of the city so may be relatively cheaper.
Editor
You might want to check out the Forest Estates subdivision in Silver Spring. I rented there, and I think it fulfills your wants. My commute on Metro might have been a bit over 30 min (forget about driving). The newish home might be a bit of a problem too. But do take a look at Silver Spring! I can’t think of any likely areas in Virginia. There are some lovely townhomes but I don’t know how to describe the area. Maybe consult a realtor?
Anon
Unless your office is right by the capitol, there is no way that OP could have a 30 min commute from Silver Spring to an office in downtown.
editor
You’re right–so much depends on work location. But it worked for me in 30-ish minutes. I’m no longer there, and I really miss all the walking I used to get in, going to and fro on the Metro. (But that’s ALL I miss about DC!)
Ellen
It is expensive. Even when I went to school there, the only places you could get cheap housing was in bad neighborhoods, so Dad never even looked into buying me a condo, and that was over 10 years ago. You may want to talk to a realtor, but don’t get your hops up. FOOEY!
Anon
You may have luck by the Braddock Road Metro – many people are holding and renting their homes instead of selling because of Amazon coming in (ugh). McEnearney Associates handles most of the rentals at that level in the area and is a good place to start, but it is a tall order
OP
Thank you for confirming what I suspected. How much would it cost to get what I want, or is it impossible even if I throw money at it? What do people who work long hours in a downtown law firm do? Condos? I suspect the dog is the limiting factor here but for her sanity and our own a condo is not going to work. I don’t know specifically where I would be working since I don’t have a job yet, but just going for a rough estimate.
Anonymous
They commute more than 30 minutes or they live in apartments or small old townhouses that don’t have the latest in finishes. That is the reality of city living.
Anon
Yep. And you hire a dog walker.
Condo in DC doesn’t necessarily have to mean a high rise. There are lots of older townhomes in the area that are legally set up as condos, but you have a small yard and it feels like a regular neighborhood, not a high rise. (Thinking specifically of Fairlington and Parkfairfax…Fairlington might meet OP’s requirements if she can find a large, renovated one – the bus to Pentagon metro is reliable and easy, and the walkable neighborhood is great and close to the dog park.)
Kim
I second and third Fairlington. Somewhere ont eh Columbia Pike line…except for the high end finishes and new house. What’s a high end finish, granite countertops? That’s everywhere. But if you want a marble bath, well that’s north Arlington and those aren’t for rent.
anon a mouse
You likely can find something that checks most of your boxes within 30 minutes but you will have to compromise on something — probably a townhouse instead of a SFH. And it might be renovated but not the latest high-end finishes — people here just don’t put really nice finishes in a rental unless it’s a unicorn listing. Like everyone else in the area, you have to decide on what is most important — commute? Yard? Price? Finishes? But your transit mode will matter a ton. If you are willing to have a 20-25 minute ride on Metro you will have far more neighborhoods available than driving, which is much more limiting.
(The biglaw lawyers I know either don’t have pets, live in condos, or take their dogs to all-day doggie daycare.)
Anon
Most people who want a home, instead of a condo, live with a 45 minute commute and a house that has not been fully updated.
But a lot of it just depends on where the office is located. First place I lived in DC was about 2 miles from my office and a 25 minute commute from my office and the second place I lived was about 3 miles from that office and a 20 minutes commute. Then I switched jobs to somewhere that is 2 miles from the second place I lived and a 35 minute commute.
Anon
Or they spend significantly more for housing. Assuming your office is west of the white house, where a lot of biglaw offices are, you could buy a house in Woodley Park or Cleveland Park for over $1M and have a commute of less than 30 minutes.
Legally Brunette
+ This
If your office is on K street, you should consider renting in Woodley or Cleveland Park, which is on the red line and an extremely convenient commute. You can rent a house with a yard (for $4500-6000, roughly), but know that many of these homes will be older and won’t have the high end finishes. Some of them are beautiful homes though and are well maintained, so they are worth looking into. You can also look at the Forest Hills neighborhood near Van Ness or Tenleytown or Friendship Heights, all of which are on the red line as well.
BabyAssociate
I live in a condo downtown and walk to work. I don’t have a dog, but everyone I know who does has a dogwalker.
Annie
People hire dog walkers and commute 45 minutes at least. The rental market is not very dog friendly though — you’ll be able to find a place but a lot of rentals are no pets or cat only.
OP
That’s a good point thanks. Dog walker is no problem and we have one now but the thought of having to walk somewhere just to take her to pee when I’m home is daunting.
Anonymous
Not sure why there are so many nay-sayers. I actually think you can rent a townhouse in Cap Hill close to a metro (Cap South, Union Station, or Eastern Market will prob be best for you) for $5K with fairly high end finishings and a tiny yard. The house will be ~100 years old (so not at all newish), but will have been totally gutted and renoed. If you take the metro to work, you can get to most places downtown within 20-40 min from Cap Hill. Maybe I am just a Cap Hill evangelist because I live here and love it, but I really think it checks all your boxes.
anon
two options on Cap Hill that accept pets, to give you an idea:
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/149-D-St-SE-Washington-DC-20003/413224_zpid/?
https://www.zillow.com/homedetails/316-9th-St-NE-Washington-DC-20002/419124_zpid/
Cap Hill evangelist
Oh here’s a couple I found:
https://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/apa/d/washington-capitol-hill-rowhouse-3/6924086806.html
https://washingtondc.craigslist.org/doc/apa/d/washington-beautiful-historic-1900s/6931668605.html
Cap Hill evangelist
A few more points to add: Parking in a lot of Cap Hill is pretty easy, and at that price you could probably get a designated spot (though that will take away from yard size). I drive to work from Hill East to Foggy Bottom in about 30 min +/- 10 min depending on traffic. (All this to say you don’t HAVE to take the metro, I don’t).
As context, I have rented 2 places around Hill East (so further out than I’d recommend for you). One was a 2BR 2.5 bath townhouse near the metro with middling finishes, a patio, and street parking. The other is a 2BR 2.5 bath low-rise condo with parking, a small deck, and high end finishes not very close to any metro. Both are only $2600/month (granted I think these have both been good deals). If I were to essentially double what I’m spending, I really have no doubt I’d be able to check most of your boxes (as long as you’re willing to do townhouse rather than a SFH– that’s a dealbreaker for the area).
Anon
Agreed. You may not get much square footage in the house or the yard but it’s possible. I recommend Pam Wye as an amazing Hill real estate agent!
Sarabeth
I agree with this – you can’t get an SFH for that price, but if all you need is a yard, you can get a townhouse or rent the bottom half of a duplex.
Like others have said, though, the specific workplace will matter a lot for the commute. If you and your spouse don’t work in the same part of the city, it may be tricky to find a place that gets you both a decent commute.
Agent99
I work in biglaw downtown and live in a SFH in close-in North Arlington with high-end finishes (older house that we bought and renovated) and a yard. My commute is about 30-40 minutes door to door via metro (would be shorter if my office was closer to the orange/silver lines). So it does exist, plus or minus ten minutes. Not sure what it would cost to rent such a place, but the house is probably worth $1m plus post-renovation.
Anon
Also factor in that your metro commute is going to be difficult, even if you live or work “near” a station. I walk about 10 minutes to the station, am on the metro for about 10-15 minutes across town (assuming everything goes perfectly! which it never does on the DC metro because the trains catch on fire, there are medical emergencies, the trains are too crowded so you have to wait for the next one, you miss the train so have to wait another 15 minutes for the next one because it’s rush hour and they are still delayed, etc.), then have another 10-15 minute walk to my office. Google says it should take 29 minutes but I always budget at least an hour door to door for the 3 mile trip and usually come right up on it. Also consider that commuting on metro in the summer is really hard. Like, really hard. I have had legitimate meltdowns on my way to work this summer because it’s so hot I can’t think straight and have multiple huge bags filled with paperwork and binders and then it starts to rain and I still have 5 or 6 blocks left to the office. All that said, I love living here. But a long, somewhat difficult commute is just a fact of life here for most people.
barking dog problems
Thanks for the comments yesterday about my dog situation. I’ve accepted that there is no magical solution, and I know my mother well enough to know that she will not put any effort into training this dog. I have a person problem, not a dog problem.
I will hire an in-home trainer for the dog while my mom, husband and I are present as a last resort. When my mom doesn’t do any of the things that the trainer says, we will move her out. Her living in a condo/apartment 5-10 minutes away that we pay for while we continue to pay her for childcare and housework is not some terrible fate. She can bring the dog with her while she’s working at our house, and take him home when she goes home. If she actually follows through with the training (10% chance), then she and the dog can keep living in our house. At least I’ll know I tried.
To be clear, the dog isn’t neglected. The dog is my mom’s pampered prince. She loves snuggling with him while she watches tv, buys him fancy food and treats, loves getting him groomed, etc. She just doesn’t train him. She doesn’t take him for walks when the weather is imperfect because “he doesn’t like it!” When he barks, she just yells at him to stop barking, no matter how many articles that I’ve shown her that say she shouldn’t do that. She told me she was fine just cleaning up his waste from her part of the house every day because “it’s just too hard to house train a Yorkie.” When I asked if she would train the dog not to hump everything, her response was “Why would I? That’s what dogs do!” In her mind, the dog poops and pees and barks and humps as much as his little heart desires and the rest of us should just deal. We are fifth and sixth generation Americans, so there is no “cultural reason” for this, she just doesn’t see the need to train the dog.
I don’t have time to train the dog myself. Between court hearings and trials (many requring travel to another state), physical therapy multiple times a week (recovering from a car accident), a busy caseload, and the standard working parents’ evening (cooking dinner, brief quality time, bedtime routine, then evening chores) all my time between 5am and 9:30pm is fully accounted for. At 9:30 I either crash from exhaustion or boot up the laptop for more work. My husband is just as busy, and just as tired. We LOVE dogs and fully intend to get one when our kids are older and our work lives change. But we don’t have the capacity right now.
Fun story, my mom told me that she didn’t tell us about the dog beforehand because she knew we didn’t want one right now.
I’ll stop now and pick this up again with a therapist if I never have time to see one.
Anonymous
I still think you should move your mom out and make alternate childcare plans. She doesn’t respect you.
Anonymous
you don’t respect your mom either right now, and it is never a good idea to be living with someone you don’t respect.
Anonymous
I am truly amazed at the leniency being granted to the mom in this situation. This sounds intolerable to me. I would be livid. If this was her teenager, we’d all be telling her to re-home the dog. The mom, while an adult, is just as much a dependent at this point.
Anon
+1 even if she wasn’t a dependent, bringing a dog into a shared living situation without everyone’s sign off is incredibly rude
Anonymous
Totally agree.
OP, lovingly, one thing you should explore with your therapist when you can go is 1. setting good boundaries with people in your life and 2. why you don’t feel you can set boundaries with your mother. I worked through this in therapy some years ago, with the result that now I set good boundaries with my mom. It has changed my life for the better in immeasurable ways but has not necessarily resulted in a closer relationship with my mom, whose ideal is a relationship where she gets to do whatever she wants whenever she wants and everyone else has to deal with it. The lack of closeness with my mom is well worth the peace of mind I gained.
There is an enormous amount of time and emotional energy being expended on this problem. A mentor once told me that some things are only free (or low-cost) if your time is not worth anything. Ditto that for your emotional energy. If it were me, I would state two clear choices: A. the dog gets rehomed. B. the dog and your mom get rehomed to an apartment that is not at your house. The choice has to be made in one week. If your mom does not make a choice, you choose what you want to do to make your life work and your family happy and set things in motion.
I don’t want to pile on but please consider what the chaos, strife and unsanitary conditions are doing to your child. Consider whether it would be better for your child to be in daycare than in the situation he or she is in right now.
Anonymous
Her mom doesn’t deserve any respect. She is not acting like a responsible adult.
Anon
Poor dog. When I was reading your post yesterday I definitely thought you had a mom problem, not a dog problem. I hope you can continue to set boundaries and put your foot down or else you will find yourself responsible for a dog as well as your house, job and kids. Hiring a trainer is not a one-time immediate, magical solution; it takes a lot of time and effort by the owner to train a dog. It sounds like you may as well move mom out now because you know hiring a trainer won’t give you the result you want. Good luck!
Anemone
That is gross, and I’m sorry you have to deal with it. Letting a dog soil and hump all over the place is not “training” and I don’t blame you one bit for wanting it gone. I can’t imagine going through all this subterfuge for an animal that she intends to let destroy the house. Is your mom well, mentally?
Impatient
You are a far more patient person than I could ever hope to be. Bringing a dog into someone’s home without their permission is outrageous. I would have told her to move out or move the dog out immediately. The fact she won’t train it and doesn’t mind dog waste everywhere suggests there is something going on with her mental state.
anon
Just as a compassionate voice of support, yes, this is my grandpa too. And no, there was no mental or physical issue, although I understand why other posters suggest there would be. It meant multigenerational housing just didn’t work. Good luck!
Lana Del Raygun
I think “fifth and sixth generation Americans” is exactly a cultural reason for being ridiculous about dogs actually ;)
Anonymous
“Fifth and sixth generation middle-class or upper-middle-class Americans,” specifically. My working-class grandparents would never have put up with an untrained dog. To them, a dog was just an animal with a job to do.
Samantha
I am so sorry just hearing about your workload. Recovering from a car accident? With a toddler and a baby on the way? And a dog that’s humping everything and a mom who is being tiresome? OMG. I want to give you a hug. This, too, shall pass.
Meanwhile can you lighten your load somehow? Outsource cooking so you can come home, put your feet up, drink some tea and play with your little one?
These are tough years and I’ve been in the trenches (minus car accident and dog/mom) and it was so hard. Now with two kids in school I am so much happier and more balanced (still stressed sometimes but not as much).
Maybe Pregnant
Anyone ever had to decide whether to terminate a pregnancy or not? My period was late and I took multiple pregnancy tests yesterday that confirmed I’m pregnant. I’m 31, a newlywed but kids was a couple years away. I’ve got a lot of rage right now about the situation. No local family to help out and I am early in my career. I very much don’t want to raise a kid in my current city, but I’m hesitant to go forward with terminating and the impact on my relationship. My husband supports whatever I chose to do, but I have so much anger because I feel like all options disproportionately affect me. I feel unhappy with all of my options.
anon
That’s a really rough situation to be in – I’m sorry and sending internet hugs your way.
For what it’s worth, I had an abortion while I was dating my now-husband. We’d been together for about two years at that point, and have now been married for 20. You mention concerns about the impact on your relationship if you decide to terminate – the only thing for us was that I harbored resentment for a long time about the exact issue you describe: it felt like it had a much bigger effect on me than on him, and I felt like he didn’t recognize that. It took a few years before we really talked about that aspect of things, and a few more before I truly let it go.
Flats Only
Can you try the trick of making a “decision” and then sitting with it for a day or two to see if it feels right. “Decide” to terminate and see how that feels for a day or so. Relief? Grief? “Decide” to keep the baby and see if you feel panic or are inspired to start looking at cribs and daycare. This won’t change the options, but might help you find out what you can actually live with.
Anonymous
I’m sorry you are facing a tough decision. My one piece of advice is not to base any decision about having children on the availability of local family to help out. It sounds as if your plan was to wait and have children after moving closer to family. Even if you have local family who say they are willing to help out, you need to have the capacity to care for your children on your own without relying on family assistance if necessary. There are just too many variables. Family members age and develop health conditions that can slow them down. They may refuse to follow current safety rules (e.g., “back to sleep”). They may decide they want to travel frequently. The level of assistance they want to provide may not match up with your expectations. In short, if you wait until you live near family, the help that you are counting on may never materialize.
Anonymous
Yes, people get weirdly defensive about changing safety standards. It’s as if they take it as a critique of their own parenting. My mom loves to huff about back to sleep. “You always slept on your stomach and you didn’t die.” Thanks mom?
Anon
This drives me bonkers. Yes plenty of babies sleep on their stomach and are fine. Plenty of people don’t wear seat belts in cars and are fine. Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t follow safety protocols just because you personally haven’t needed them.
Em
THIS. My mom loves to say “it’s a miracle any of us survived without car seats!” Yea…..a bunch of you didn’t….which is why they developed ways to prevent more kids from dying…..
Anon
I agree with this. My parents have been waaaaay less helpful with my children than I expected.
Anonymous
I’ve shared this before, but my parents moved to a town near us (but just far enough to make getting there a real inconvenience) so they could “help us with childcare” and then were basically never available to do it. Then last year they abruptly moved away and left us with very little in the way of local support. I was glad we had developed other relationships so that my parents weren’t our only option. I would say 90% of the people I know who expected childcare help from relatives either didn’t get it or didn’t get the level of help they expected.
Anon
I totally agree. I’ve seen a disconnect between words and action in a few instances. Potential grandparents pester you to have kids but when you do, they just want to visit/send gifts, cuddle the kids and go back home. Don’t assume they mean to help with childcare or that it will all work out (without a lot of tension). You may be better off paying for childcare because then you can tell them to do it the way you want.
Anon
I had an abortion early in my relationship with my now-husband. I knew he was the one, but we were both in school and had no money and no idea how we would raise a kid. Six years later, we were married and had a wanted baby and motherhood has been so joyful because I was completely ready.
Hugs. I think whatever you decide is fine (obviously) and once you make up your mind, you will probably have no regrets either way.
Anon
I know several women who got pregnant, had abortions, and then had children later on (in the same relationship) and they are very happy. In fact, about half of women who have abortions are married – timing is just really important. Do what’s right for you.
emeralds
Agreed. Sending you lots of support and good energy, OP.
Anonymous
You’re 31 and married. You’re acting like you’re 21 and single with a one night stand baby. So what if there’s no local family, you and husband are the parents – not your mom and dad. And so what if you don’t want to raise a kid in your current city — for all you know you could move in 2 years to your chosen city. Do you think your kid will remember living in a blah city for the first 15 months of his life? Why is termination even an option here because you got pregnant a year or 2 before you wanted?!
Anon
Go away. Termination is ALWAYS a valid option and she’s articulated lots of reasons why now isn’t the right time for a baby.
Anonymous
+1 billion
Anonymous
it’s selfish. full stop.
Anon
Thank you for saying what many of us are thinking.
Anon
So women have to have unwanted children just because they’re not 21 and single!? That’s some incredibly backwards thinking, and I don’t understand why you lose your right to make decisions about your own body when you get married and grow a little bit older.
Anon
I disagree with the tone, but agree with the underlying message. If you don’t feel ready to have a kid at 31, I doubt you are going to feel more ready to have a kid at 33 or 34. There is no right time to have a kid, and if you wait for the perfect time, it will never happen.
Anon
Totally disagree. I was not ready at 32, very ready at 34. Lots of my friends have the same story (with slightly different ages). It’s not as simple as you always want kids or you never want kids. Lots of women aren’t ready at 31 and go on to become wonderful mothers when they’re more ready.
anon
+1 “There is no right time to have a kid, and if you wait for the perfect time, it will never happen.”
And local family is nice, but not a good decision point. I have local family and they help out… sometimes? But nothing reliable and I’m glad I didn’t plan around it. Same with city. There’s no right city – babies are small and portable and where you live doesn’t feel as important for the first couple years.
That being said, you have options!
Never too many shoes...
But then maybe she will never have a kid, which is a million times preferable to having one that she does not truly want.
Trixie
Your tone is just so mean! You could write the same set of thoughts without being so nasty.
Anon
You know how people say “no one is pro-abortion, they’re pro-choice?” I’m specifically pro-abortion. It’s a social good that enables women to be full human beings instead of broodmares and that helps them achieve their aspirations. It prevents countless cases of child neglect and abuse and in the long term, it lowers crime rates. It means that we have a functioning health system and that abortion is treated as one of several options to prevent unwanted children, as it should be.
Every pregnancy should be a wanted pregnancy and if it’s not, abortion should be the first choice we present to women and not the last. End of story in my book.
Anon
I’m pro abortion too. I have two (very wanted) children and absolutely adore them. Before pregnancy I would have just described my myself as pro-choice. But pregnancy and raising a child demands so much of you physically, emotionally, financially, etc. in a way I never understood until I went through it myself. It is SO worth it if you want a child, but nobody should have to do that unless they’re 110% sure they want the child.
Anon
Screw off.
It’s a human life. You can think it is a human life worth less than born human life, but no human life is worthless.
You are a terrible person.
Anon
But even if you think it’s a human, it’s not likely to have a great life with a mother who didn’t want it. Being able to put a roof over your kids head and food in the table is a start, but it’s not sufficient and having a parent who wasn’t ready to be a parent can really mess a child up emotionally.
Anon
….my parents didn’t want me.
I have a pile of degrees, wonderful friends, a good job, a husband who is special beyond belief, and a baby on the way.
Seriously, screw off and stop being human garbage.
Anon
If you think name-calling is going to make me change my mind, you’re very wrong. What it DOES do is make me more passionate than ever about stepping up my advocacy work so that all women can get abortions even if people like you campaign to take their rights away. This means you’re misguided because your hostility makes me more invested – and that doesn’t sound like it’s what you want. I’m proud of the work I do and I hope all women will commit to helping other women know their rights and their options, even if abortion becomes harder to access.
Anon
Ahh yes I found the “compassionate” pro-lifer.
I assume you’re a foster parent, support universal healthcare, paid maternity leave, expanding social services for children, universal preschool, government paid/subsided high quality childcare? If not, then you are not pro life you are pro birth.
anon
Anon: “no human life is worthless!!!1”
Also anon: “you are human garbage!!!111”
Massive eye roll. Why do we even have moderation if people like Anon at 12:08 can get through?
Maybe Pregnant
OP here, there are a lot of reasons that go into why I don’t want to have kids in this state. I know having a kid at 31 isn’t as bad as 21, but this is not a good time at all for us.
Anon
You don’t need to justify yourself to nasty internet strangers. I’m so sorry you are in this position. Only you can decide what’s best for you and your family in this situation. Hugs.
Never too many shoes...
A million times this.
I do not want to have a baby right now is the only reason you, or anyone needs, for an abortion.
Anonymous
I think you need to take a step back and think about your stated requirements for parenthood. You say you must live in another city (one particular city?) and have family support in order to make it workable. That’s just not realistic. Say you decide to have this baby and move to your hometown, where you will be perfectly happy and your parents will be around to help out and babysit for you. Or you don’t have a baby now, but in two years you move and then get pregnant. What happens when your parents buy a vacation property, decide to become snowbirds, and spend half the year out of state? (This happened to us.) Or when the local schools can’t provide for your child’s needs? Or you have to relocate for a job? You just can’t set everything up to be perfect and then count on its staying that way. You need to be flexible and adaptable.
None of this is meant to imply that one choice or the other is correct in your current situation. But before you make any decision, you need to think clearly about the reality of being a parent. It’s never as simple as just waiting for the right time and then having everything fall perfectly into place. Maybe now is really just as good a time as two years from now. Or perhaps having children isn’t the right decision for you ever. Only you know the answer, but you need to make the decision based on how the world really works instead of assuming that you can create a perfect fantasy life.
Maybe Pregnant
OP here. I appreciate the the idea of stepping back and thinking about situation. I know parenthood is not perfect fantasy, and don’t expect my parents to be 100% childcare. But it is important to have them and my cultural community when raising kids. I’m a WOC living in a state where I am very much a minority. My husband and I have long term plans to move states with greater diversity, and a place that has ppl that look like me/speak my cultural language. We’ve always had plans to move in couple years and specifically hold off on kids until then.
Anon
So you’re having an abortion because your current city isn’t diverse enough?
Anon
How soon can you move? What would you need to do to adjust your timeline? From your posts, it seems like you do (eventually) really want a child, you want one with your husband, and you want certain circumstances in place. I think you can get all of those circumstances in place, and it will be ok if your baby is alive for a few months before the perfect conditions are achieved. Maybe you can’t live nearby your parents for the first year or so of baby’s life. But does a few months without your parents ruin anything? Maybe your baby will be alive for a year or two in a less-diverse city. But when you move, then that will all be fixed. Your child will really appreciate the diversity as she grows, and it’s ok if that’s not perfect for the first very short months, right? I’m just saying you don’t have to have everything perfectly in place before the baby is born– you can get these things the way you want them even when your baby is very young.
Anonymous
An infant has no idea how diverse your city is.
anon for this
To the OP – gently, as a fellow WOC and mother, a lack of diversity is not a reason to terminate. You are old enough, you are married, you want kids. Your child will not be irreparably harmed if your city is not diverse. You can move in 2 or 3 years. You can also stay where you are and your child will be just fine.
Another way to look at it: if you terminated now and later discovered that you couldn’t pregnant again, would you be ok with your decision? This is a real possibility for many of us in our 30s, who have struggled to conceive. I don’t say this to scare you, I just want you to think through the possibilities. Keep us posted.
AFAnon
I found myself unexpectedly pregnant at 23 and I was morally opposed to abortion. She’s an incredible 8th grader now, but I really wish that happened at a later time in my life. After 3 kids I found myself in the same situation after ending a relationship with an alcoholic. I had an abortion. It was hard, but it was the right choice for me and my kids.
BTW an IUD is the most effective form of BC I have used, to date. Thank goodness.
Anon
I’m pro choice but for myself, I’ve always felt abortion should be an absolute last resort. My son (our second) came along sooner than planned due to a birth control failure. When I found out I was pregnant I felt overwhelmed, definitely thought about abortion, and decided against it.
I often think we may never have decided the time was right to have a second child because having one child under 12 months seemed so hard. But I’m so glad we have him now. In hindsight I wouldn’t change a thing.
Anon
Have the kid. Get counseling for the anger, because biology isn’t going to change for the kids you plan.
Anonymous
I had an abortion, but was in an entirely different situation as you so I don’t think my input will be helpful. What I will say is that I am sending you lots of good energy and internet stranger support. I knew it was 100% the right decision for me, but it was still difficult.
Anon
Adding my voice to the women who’ve struggled with this call, made the same choice and gone on to have happy marriages (and eventually a kid) with the same partner. It was rough for us both at the time but, as you say, much more for me because it was much more physically real and present. My now-husband was a great support when I went through the termination and, even though personally I do sometimes regret my choice because it turns out that I may (for unrelated reasons) now not be able to have a second child and always imagined I’d have at least two, it was 100% the right call for where I was in my career, life, health and relationship at the time.
Anon
I’m horrified by some of the responses here for a place that is otherwise so feminist and pro-choice. Just because you’re married to the father and not still a child yourself, doesn’t mean you should be forced to have a child you don’t want. I had one while married – I was 34 and had one kid, didn’t think we wanted a second. We were using birth control consistently and correctly, but it still failed. It was sad, but I have no regrets – a second child would have stretched our family financially and emotionally, and my career would have taken a big hit at a point when it was just recovering from the setback of having my first kid. A lot of married women have abortions and I think it’s horrible to imply only single 21 year olds should be able to have them.
Anon
If the OP didn’t want kids, I think she would have gotten a different response. But there is a big difference between having an abortion because you don’t want a (another) kid, having an abortion because you can’t physically or financially support it, and having an abortion because you wanted to get pregnant 12 months latter.
Anon
+1
Never too many shoes...
There is no difference at all – she does not want to have a baby is the reason in all of the above examples and it is the only reason anyone needs.
Keep your judgment as to the “worthiness” of her reason to your damn selves.
Quail
Agreed, Never too many shoes!
OP, haven’t been there myself, but I trust you to know what your reasons are. They are valid. Hugs to you as you process this and figure out the best choice for you.
Anon
You should not be horrified at women sharing their personal stories and decisions when some of them ended in abortion and some of them didn’t. That’s the “choice” part of pro-choice.
Anon
Yeah, because people are only sharing stories. Eye roll.
Anon
Take a walk. You seem very ruffled by one comment.
Anon
I’m not at all horrified by the women saying they were in a similar situation and made a different decision. I’m horrified by women saying “why is termination even an option here!?” (eg Anon at 11:21). You’re being deliberately obtuse.
Anon
It’s naive for OP (and readers alike) to expect only “hugs to you” responses to an emotionally charged subject. Don’t solicit strangers for input if you’re only looking for validation.
anon
She’s not just looking for validation. She’s looking for useful input. But you’re not providing any input of value. You think that OP is unaware that a lot of people think abortion is immoral? What good is it doing to shriek at her about that? She gets it. If she thought it was immoral to have an abortion, she wouldn’t have one. She’s not asking whether it’s moral. Her dilemma is not “I would have an abortion if it was morally okay but I’m not sure if it is, help.” You want her to have a baby just because abortion is mean and bad? Or because you think her reasons aren’t good enough? Okay fine, but that’s not helpful advice and you know it. Only losers on reddit and 4chan justify being jerks by saying “well you shouldn’t have asked the internet, what did you expect! You had to know we’d be jerks!!”
Anon
This place is full of rich, white ladies, not exactly a known bastion of progressiveness.
Anon
I’m not gonna disagree with the rich, but I feel like we get a lot of people self identifying as POC. And I do think it slants liberal based on how the conservatives are always screaming that they’re persecuted here.
anon for this
POC here and I have had an abortion, although I was in very very different circumstances than the OP (not married, in college, 20 years old). I don’t regret my abortion but the OP should sit on this decision for several days. It’s never the ideal time to have a kid. We don’t know all of the details of course, but assuming her finances are ok and she’s in a committed healthy relationship, I would think seriously about keeping the baby. And I am pro-choice, but I also believe that the decision to terminate should not be taken lightly. Speaking from personal experience, it changes you. OP, best of luck with whatever you decide.
Anon
I think this is one of the most balanced responses here. I am pro-choice as well but don’t think the decision should be taken lightly. OP, I support your choice whatever it is. Take a few days and be sure that it is what you want to do, so that your future self feels like you made the best call in these circumstances. That includes raising a child – which is hard, hard under the best of circumstances.
Anon
Don’t have it. You sound immature and entitled. “Unhappy with all my options” well yeah there’s 2 of them and you and your husband completely put yourself in this situation so why the anger? Sounds like a couple years waiting would do you good.
Something to think about
I had an abortion when I was 22. I was unemployed, in an abusive relationship and it was the right decision for me at the time. I don’t regret it. Still, I was extremely sad about it and ended up going to therapy later. I sometimes think that if I kept the baby, I would have an 18 year old headed to college now. Wild.
I married at 25 and now have two beautiful kids.
You should do whatever you want, but given your age and the fact that you’re married, I would think seriously about having the baby. You are in a far better financial and emotional position than probably 90% of women pregnant now – you are educated, you are married, you have a steady income, you are mature. What I have realized is that there really is never a “right” time to have a kid. And so many of my girlfriends struggled to even conceive in their 30s. I understand your feelings that you’re not ready, but honestly, I got pregnant at 32 and didn’t feel the least bit ready either. But I’m so glad that I have my kids now and they are the joys of my life.
Big hugs to you.
Anon
You just found out you were pregnant yesterday, right? Please sleep on this for a few days/weeks. You have a bit of time. I read something recently that while a large number of pregnancies are unplanned– most of those babies are not unwanted. I think you need to separate your anger at getting pregnant unintentionally from your feelings about whether you actually want the baby.
I have several friends that got pregnant at really inconvenient times (completely unplanned) and ended up deciding to have the baby. (I am sure I have others that terminated the pregnancy. I just don’t know about them.) They all seem very happy with their decision even when it was super inconvenient. (Two were in long-distance marriages when they got pregnant and had the kid.) They actually seem happier with their decisions to have their unplanned babies than people I know that are older and have had exceptionally planned pregnancies.
*This was not to say you shouldn’t terminate. I just think you have articulated a lot of reasons about why you didn’t want to get pregnant right now. (Totally been there.) But haven’t quite had this information long enough to think about why you would or wouldn’t want a baby right now that you actually are pregnant.
Anon
Agree with this. OP, give yourself a few days so that you can make the decision in a less emotional state. Talk with your husband and don’t let him clam up about it.
Maybe Pregnant
OP here. Thanks everyone for feedback. I think giving a couple days to sleep on it is necessary. Everything is very fresh and raw. I’m going to the doctor today to double check to confirm results.
And I had a good laugh at the negative comments as well.
anon
whatever you decide, consider some individual and couples counseling just to help you get through the decision.
Oregon Social Worker
+1000!
Listening
Hi there. I see your anger. It’s real. Your options all involve some pretty gigantic compromises on your part that your partner does not have to bear. You will want to look back and know you did the right thing. I suggest that you work through your anger and rage to access more of your underlying emotions around the situation. I think your body knows what it wants to do, but the anger and rage are making it harder to hear what you need. A great mental health counselor can help. If you are in Portland or Seattle, I can offer some recommendations. Sending love.
Anon
Whatever you choose is the right choice. I am married and a mom and thought I was pregnant again last year. I was strongly considering termination – I just was not ready and wanted more time with my daughter and to get back on my feet at work before having another child. (And having miscarried before I don’t take getting pregnant lightly). There is no perfect time to have a child but that does not mean that anytime is the right time. It’s OK to wait until this is a choice.
Anon
Just FYI, most women who choose abortion do NOT regret it (despite the “evidence” from the anti-abortion side that would have us believe that their lives are forever ruined and marked by tearful, extreme remorse). In fact, most women know it was the right choice for them before and after. If you decide it’s the right thing for you, regret is an unlikely outcome. Just wanted to put that out there in case regret is a fear of yours.
Anonymous
how do you know?
Anon
It’s called “peer-reviewed research.”
Anon
What do we want? Research!
When do we want it? After peer review.
But seriously, this is well documented. Just because there are emotionally charged anecdotes about women regretting abortions doesn’t change the fact that most don’t.
Anon
Yep. And anecdotally I don’t know anyone who has had one who regrets it.
anonymous
OP, big hugs. This is tough.
I bring this up because I watched a friend go through a lot of pain and think this is something women should think about. My friend was in a similar situation to yours (early 30s, married, pregnant unexpectedly) and had an abortion. Two years later she got cervical cancer and had surgery and radiation. She wasn’t able to get pregnant again after that when she wanted to, and experienced major regret over the earlier abortion. To the point that she’s been in therapy for years. Had she known what was going to happen, it absolutely would have changed her choice. Future fertility is never guaranteed.
We all have an idea about the way our lives are “supposed” to go; reality doesn’t always match up with that. I’m older than many people here and I do in fact know women who now, in their 50s, regret abortions and regret not having children. They have other regrets too, and I have regrets about my own life. But the kids thing is a big regret and tough to get over. Once that ship has sailed it’s gone.
I will also say, it’s very overwhelming to contemplate the responsibility and the possibilities when you get pregnant – I was overwhelmed, and I got pregnant after 2 years of trying and an IUI! I totally agree with the suggestion to sit with it a couple of days and see how you feel. It’s okay to be scared! It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and angry at the situation. But if you do want kids, assuming you will be able to have them when the timing’s right is a big assumption. I know a lot of women who made that gamble and lost. I hate seeing people go through that. For the record, I am pro-choice and I also think being childfree is a totally valid and desirable option for people. But I also know that at least 50% of my friends and coworkers have struggled with infertility, and it’s not something to take for granted.
I am really glad you have the ability to make a choice and you deserve support no matter what you choose. If this helps – think about your future self. Picture yourself at 60; what would you say to 31-year-old self now? What will you regret doing or not doing when you’re 60? How easy are those regrets to live with? Your heart knows the answer, so listen to it. Again, big hugs.
Kim
One more thing…you’re 31, and think you’ll be ready at 34 or so. The difficulty of getting pregnant doesn’t trundle along nicely until your 40s and then drop off a cliff, it starts to decline in your 30s. So yes you could put it off, but know it’ll likely get harder to become pregnant. Second, having kids actually advanced my career because I was more focused and could roll through stuff much faster; I didn’t need to work as late as I used to.
It sounds like you have unstated reasons, which is making it harder for readers to understand what will make it all better in 2 years. But I’m glad you’re going to sleep on it.
Anonymous
+1, from purely the biology side, it’s hard to imagine being pregnant at 31 (with your husband, with financial stability, and with the idea that you generally want children at some point), and considering termination because the timing is not perfectly ideal. There is a very very very real risk that pregnancy may not pass this way again. It would be different at, say, 23 or even 27. But at 31, future fertility is absolutely not a guarantee. I think 34 year-old you may very much regret a decision to terminate.
Anon
This is nonsense. I had kids at 36 and 39. 31 is relatively young, fertility-wise.
Anon
31 may be relatively young but it’s not unreasonable to point out that fertility issues are far more common than most people think. And being able to get pregnant once doesn’t mean you’ll be able to get pregnant again.
Anonymous
Anon at 7:48 – congratulations to you. I know a woman who had her kids at 39 and 41.
I also have a friend who is adopting because after trying for 3 years, she has given up on trying to conceive, even after doing IVF. She’s 36.
We can throw around anecdotes all day but the facts are extremely clear: women in their mid-thirties and beyond have a lower chance of conceiving without assistance and ultimately conceiving at all. It’s something women (and doctors) need to be more honest and informed about.
Anon
Yes, and…? OP is 31. She has 4 years before her fertility starts declining significantly.
Anon
I had an abortion at 32. I was married to my husband. I was not ready; we were not ready. We had just moved to a new city, didn’t have any friends or family, and lived in a one-bedroom apartment. Fast forward only three months, I got a promotion and we bought a much nicer house than we could previously afford and met some great neighbors who are now our support network. I got pregnant ON PURPOSE within a few weeks. I now have a preschooler who was very wanted and developed inside of me while I was happy. I can’t imagine not having her but some other child conceived accidentally and developing under stress. I would have never had the life I wanted and love if I didn’t listen to myself telling me I’m not ready. Sometimes you make plans for a reason and it’s good to stick with them.
anon for this
I’m genuinely so glad that it worked out for you. The problem though is that it is just biologically very difficult for some women to get pregnant, even in their early 30s. Given that OP wants kids eventually, she needs to think very carefully about this decision. If she were 23 or even 27, I think the decision to terminate is a much easier one. But putting aside any moral issues, from purely a biological perspective, there is no guarantee that it will be just as easy to get pregnant the second time around. I would hate for her to regret it, knowing that she wants kids in another year or two.
abornon
I think you’ve posted about this here before, and while it’s great that it worked out for you, my mouth drops at the idea of aborting only to conceive 4 months later. It’s such a trivial amount of time that it’s made me question my own pro-choice beliefs.
Anon
Agreed. I’ve always considered myself pro-choice, but this story makes me reconsider
Anon
Same, actually. I am pro-choice and I’ve read this before (here, I guess? I had forgotten where) and think about it often and just cannot fathom it.
anon for this
I agree. Pro-choice but the cavalier way some of you are view abortion makes my stomach turn.
Anon
Yeah. I have a hard time squaring this with my pro choice (and sometimes even pro abortion) views and this was very hard to read
Anonymous
These are the kinds of stories that anti-choice activists point to when they talk about women using abortion as birth control or using abortion cavalierly. I understand why a story like this would sicken and enrage someone who thinks abortion is murder. I am pro-choice and that will never change but I don’t think abortion should be legal because someone wants to postpone pregnancy by a few months so they can get a promotion and buy a nicer house.
Anon
I agree that for most people, four months is a trivial amount of time, but it sounds like a lot changed for the poster in question – she got a huge promotion and moved from a one bedroom apartment into a single family house. Daycare for an infant costs over $20,000 a year in my city, to say nothing of smaller costs like diapers. That’s a non-trivial expense to most people (a lot of readers here are 1%ers, but not all of us are) and I don’t think it’s silly to take your financial circumstances into account. A lot of people – myself included – wouldn’t want to raise a child when their finances are tight or they’re living in a small apartment. It sounds like OP got considerably more settled and financially secure in that short timeframe, and it changed her perspective on being ready for children. That’s fine and doesn’t mean she’s “cavalier” about abortion or using it as birth control.
Anon
And PS – if you don’t believe women have an unqualified right to make decisions about their own bodies, you’re not pro-choice. I don’t care what you describe yourself as, you’re not.
Anon
Anon at 8:44 – no. You need to stop with this. In fact, I would say the exact opposite is true. If a person thinks that there is any circumstance under which an abortion is OK, that person is pro-choice. That includes self-proclaimed “pro-lifers” who think abortion is ok in XYZ circumstance. It’s actually really important that these people understand that that is pro-choice, because they think that at least in some circumstances abortion is ok. And I think its harmful to push this narrative that the “only” pro-choice is unqualified right to have an abortion.
Anon
I still believe that women should have the unqualified choice. That doesn’t negate the fact that this story makes my stomach churn. Not to mention it plays perfectly into the anti choice narrative
Anon
Nope. Pro choice means you believe women have a legal right to make the choice. It doesn’t mean YOU would choose to have an abortion. It’s absolutely fine to say you’re pro-choice but morally opposed to abortion and would never have one yourself. But if you think it’s not the women’s choice to make, regardless of her reasons, you’re not pro-choice.
Anonymous
Anon at 8:44 – you are under some pretty serious misconceptions and I’d suggest you get some knowledge before you go around making pronouncements that make you look ignorant. I don’t believe in restricting access to abortions through any legal means. I also do not believe that any reason a woman wants to have an abortion is a good reason. I am not required to be completely supportive of any and all reasons women may have for having an abortion – I am 100% not supportive of the idea a woman would abort just because her fetus was the “wrong” gender, as an example. Do I believe we should restrict abortions to prevent things like that from happening? No. I am pro-choice whether you think I am or not.
Anonymous
Holy cr@p. So you are basically saying that I damaged my child by (purposely) gestating her during my incredibly stressful 2L year while I was spending a million hours a week cite-checking and writing my note?
Anonymous
I’m skipping the abortion debate just to say…if you do end up having the baby, you are among the 99% of women who did not feel ready for a baby. And even though it wasn’t in the plans, 31 is physically a good time for a baby. I had mine at 29/32/34 and they got progressively more uncomfortable as I got older and creamier. I’m 38 now and could have a baby just fine- but my body definately took it better when I was younger.
Childcare…will work out. People get creative and spend money and there is always something. Nanny shares might be a great option.
Good luck with whatever you decide!
Batgirl
Looking for recommendations for leadership and/or management courses. I live in the DC area, but could travel as well.
Anonymous
The Effective Facilitator by Leadership Strategies
Anon
Say,
You’ll likely get some more helpful responses if you can let us know more specifically what type of leadership or management?
Are you looking for an executive MBA?
OP
Sorry for the slow response — frankly, I have some funding for professional enrichment (but capped around $2500) and want to use it. I am a mid-level in the non-profit sector, interested in taking a non-profit management course at some point, but suspect that this budget won’t allow for that right now. Thanks!
Penelope
In DC, you should look at the Management Center and ProInspire. They specifically focus on nonprofits and leadership development. The Interaction Institute for Social Change is also very good but usually only offers courses in Boston and NYC. At that budget , you could probably take more than one course. Most executive education through universities will be out of your budget range.
OP
Thanks, super helpful! I should have said that I may take executive ed courses on my own dime at some point, but for now, I want to take advantage of the program my organization is offering. Thanks again!
Ellen
https://www.dalecarnegie.com/en
Dale Carnegie’s course I took and I am now an assertive firm leader, and can manage other’s. They are RIGHT in Downtown DC, so go for it!
Jane
Any recs for a good work-appropriate sandal that have heels but are comfy enough to walk in the whole day? i tried a few advertised by blogg3rs as amazing especially around the N sale and none of them were comfy enough for all day use. (My last ones that I am replacing were leather but I am happy to try other materials as long as they are nud3-to-me colorish (dark olive skin here). TIA!
BabyAssociate
I don’t really think of sandals ever being work appropriate, but maybe it depends on the workplace.
Anonymous
+1
I’ve worked in casual workplaces, and maybe peep toe shoes or slingbacks where there in occasion, but definitely not sandals.
Anon
Good for you guys! Clearly this doesn’t apply to OP.
Anon
I have and love the TOMS Majorca. Very comfortable with a nice solid heel. Highly recommend!
Anon
Check Talbots.
H13
Naturalizer Adele
Coach Laura
I have the Sofft Mauldin that Kat posted here a few weeks ago. I’m wearing them today, using my standing desk because I’m too lazy to remove them. Wedge, appropriate for any office where open-toed sandals are appropriate.
Anon
These:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01M9I9GHH/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
I am in-house at a Fortune 500 company in LA and sandals (not flip flops) are totally appropriate in my office, BTW. While it’s a know-your-office thing, I will assume you know your office. LA in-house (and frankly for midlevel and above associates not meeting with clients at a given time) skews casual but fashionable.
These are comfy enough to walk in, the toe strap is wide enough to not pinch my forefoot or toes, the low heel works well with summer dresses and skirts and they are $32 :) Mine are working out really well for me and I have foot issues so I’m a little picky.
Anon
Talbots Rosalie sandal I wear them all summer in many offices – I am in big technology sales
Anon
What?
iced coffee
What does the rest of your office wear? That would provide more context about what level of strange this is.
Anon
Business casual so it’s kinda diverse.
Veronica Mars
Does anyone have any small scale armchair recommendations? I have a tiny footprint in my living room, but am looking for some core seating that’s comfy but not enormous. My husband and I are tall, for reference. Ideally, they’d also be up on legs (no skirt) and thinner arms for less visual weight. I like the Bunny Willams Scroll arm chair because it looks more visually light with the arms and legs, but I’m wondering if a slipper chair would be even more petite and still comfortable. Also, I can’t sit it it, so that makes me nervous.
anon a mouse
My tall friends have the mid-century show wood chairs from West Elm and they are very comfortable, even for a shorty like me.
Veronica Mars
Oooh, that’s a good option, thank you!
Anon
I’m in love with the Vitra Organic Chair because it was the most comfortable chair I had ever sat in. Not for if you’re looking for something more cushiony, but it did wonders for my back. Unfortunately it is $$$$$ and I’ll probably only lay eyes on it if I stay at a Citizen M hotel again…sigh.
Annie
Several room and board chairs fit this bill.
anon
Sorry, but we’ve had a couple interior design q’s lately: what’s a footprint in this context?
Keek
Area of the space, but footprint is frequently used to describe furniture – the “footprint” of the chair should be small because the space is small.
Autism
If your spouse gets mad and yells at you that all of your problems are because you have autism (an upgrade from aspergers, which was what he used to say), I know that the problem is him.
I have gone through testing for ASD for one of our children (who does in fact have ASD1, f/k/a aspergers).
No one else has ever suggested that I have it (including the person who said that our child did have it after a lot of testing), but I know it can run in families. Other than getting tested for it formally, would you do anything to confirm that he is not both correct and a jerk? [Not that it makes what he does right, but it might be helpful in dealing with kiddo — see, Mommy has ASD1 or worse and still finished school, holds down a job, and lives on her own.]
I know that Darryl Hannah has ASD1 and has done the same. I guess I think that I’m the chatty sorority girl, so probably 90% he is just being a jerk (but maybe 10% if I have a kid with it, maybe I do have it too).
Celia
He’ll probably do the same thing with your child –“All of your problems are because you have autism,” which is a lousy message to give your child. You sure you want him around?
anon
It sounds like your husband is a jerk.
Anonymous
I would divorce my abusive husband before he starts in on our kids.
Anon
I wouldn’t want an ableist, abusive man to have access to or influence over my disabled child.
Anon
But if I understand the OP, it’s also his child. I don’t think ableism and yelling revoke parental rights. So no matter what, this guy is going to have access to and influence over his child, no matter what anyone wants.
Anon
Exactly. He’ll probably have more access if they get divorced. Or at least, there will be more times when he’s with the child and she’s not there.
Anon
Is this projection? (Is he autistic and in denial about it?)
Inspired By Hermione
I don’t think proving him wrong is going to at all improve this situation. He sounds like a jerk who will, at some point, hurt your child by telling them the same thing. Maybe it will help kiddo to know that Mom has it too. But it’s going to hurt him so much more to hear Dad insult Mom whether or not she has it. Kids pay attention.
Annie
I can’t tell if my mother in law is delusional and making things up (to make herself feel better) or pitting her children’s families against each other. She tells us and our kids stories about her other grandchildren which we later find out are completely untrue. She offered to host thanksgiving with them, assumed we’d make other plans, and got upset when we tried to “horn in on her holiday” She has said out loud several times that she’s disappointed about having grandchildren, because it means we wont spend as much time with her. I dont need solutions, I’m just venting- this is making me crazy today!
Anon
Um, wow.
Best advice is to communicate very frequently with your spouse’s siblings and their family.
Seventh Sister
My MIL doesn’t engage in the same stuff, but is SO irritating. Every conversation with her devolves into, “let me tell you how rich and important I am.” I.don’t.care.
Anon
How do you get over the fear for death? I am lucky that all my grandparents/parents are still alive and healthy (ish) and I have not even lost a pet to death. But lately, I sometimes get this sudden overwhelming thought that in 2070 (or whatever), I will be gone and it is going to be unavoidable and forever. I then imagine what it would be like and get very scared/paralyzed (I know – this is stupid and drama queen’esque).
Nothing bad has happened and nothing has changed. I am 29 and healthy. Husband is 31 and healthy. Our two dogs are young. Our toddler is not even 2. So rationally I know I need to focus on life ahead but somehow the thought of death keeps creeping back… :(
Anon
I’m right there with you. But what scares me more than my own death is losing everyone else I love, losing my physical and cognitive capacities… there really isn’t any easy way out.
Anonymous
Please just go to therapy for your anxiety
Anon
This.
Monday
It’s not “stupid,” it’s existential! Lots of people do and think crazy things out of their fear of mortality, so I think it’s actually great that you recognize it. I find that looking it in the face feels a lot more sane than looking away.
I recommend When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron.
Anonymous
If the thoughts are getting intrusive/paralyzing, some short term therapy may be helpful.
If you are religious/spiritual, do you have an advisor that you can talk to about this or do some reading on whatever your belief system says about death?
Reading some on the cultural issues or personal accounts on dying might help you suss out what is bothering you. When Breath Becomes Air and Being Mortal are both really good. I also liked The End of Your Life Book Club. Yes, they can be sad, but they also helped me quantify what constitutes a good life/death and find some peace, particularly when faced with aging relatives.
Veronica Mars
One of my friends accidentally pushed me into the road in front of an oncoming car–and nearly being roadkill as a pedestrian was really a huge wakeup call for me that I could die any day, at any time, due to things outside of my control (also outside of my control, people on the sidewalk were the ones that pulled me out of the way). At the time, I was an Atheist, but not because I had any kind of conviction, but because I was like, “Yeah there just probably isn’t a God.” The wakeup call for me caused a lot of stress and anxiety until I decided to research the world religions, so at least I would feel comforted that I had done *something* to think about my own mortality and figure out if there really was a God (if it were true, there would be nothing more important, and if not, I had lost nothing). I knocked out a few world religions that I felt didn’t meet my scrutiny, and I thought Christianity would be similar because I was raised in it and left it as a teen. What I discovered was that my entire impression of Christianity was warped by the media and my own bad experiences, but the theology and the message of Jesus was utterly compelling. So, long story short, I discovered my faith and now when I’m hit with dread about death, I know that I trust in the promises of God, and that comforts me.
Anon
I take so much comfort in knowing someone else feels this way, too. Seriously. I am an objectively successful 34 y/o professional, could stand to lose a few lbs but relatively healthy, DH the same. Healthy 15 month old daughter.
My best theory is that I think I experienced death at a relatively young age – lost some close relatives in close succession when I was about 10-13 years old. It was capital T Tragic and no one stopped to translate what was happening around me for my young brain. What I can’t figure out is why I didn’t grow out of this fear. But I have this crippling fear, it is real and I can stay up for hours on end if I let my brain go down that path… thank you for sharing.
Anonymous
Oh hi yes you have anxiety. It’s a really common easy to treat mental illness. Just take care of it
Anon
That’s such a glib answer. People who do not have anxiety disorder still worry about death. It’s the human condition.
pugsnbourbon
LOL at anxiety being “easy to treat.” Are you serious? I hope my therapist names her next boat after me.
anon
God shut up.
I am in therapy and medicated for anxiety and you can sit right down with this easy to treat just take care of it oh hai nonsense. (lol pugsnbourbon i feel you). I also experience occasional intermittent existential dread about dying like OP. They’re totally different issues. I don’t know how to explain it but I honestly cannot wrap my mind around the fact that I will die. It’s like I think I’m exempt.. some how I will be the first person who doesn’t die. I know that’s stupid, but the idea of it actually happening, even if it’s in 2070, fills me with a profound dread. My “fear” of death does not stop me from doing anything, but it is bizarrely upsetting and I know that one day as it approaches I will have to seriously reckon with it. I usually just ignore it because, blessedly, nothing prompts me to think of it. I wonder about how people who are aware that they are closer to death- the elderly, or those with a health condition- process it. It’s something I think all of us will need to come to terms with. But it’s really different than GAD.
Anon
Fwiw, I had this paralyzing fear since 3 yo. I grew to ignore / move past it for everyday, but I’ve had a very high degree of (mostly undiagnosed) generalized anxiety since then, and have only begun seeking help (therapy!) after 25 years.
Anonymous
I’ve also had some existential dread lately. I was really close to my grandparents, and they both passed away recently. What I keep thinking about is how after more than a couple of generations, it feels like people are largely forgotten. Those people had full, interesting lives and nobody remembers and they are in the ground now. At least if you have kids, I can imagine feeling a sense of peace in feeling that your legacy will continue on (whatever that means) but I don’t have kids. I have other family that I am close to including younger nieces and nephews, but I can’t help but think about how we’re all going to die and ultimately be forgotten. I guess that’s why people say what truly matters is the present moment. But … it’s something I’m struggling with right now pretty acutely after losing my grandparents.
January
I am not personally interested in genealogy (at the moment), but I can tell you from my mom’s interest in it that sometimes the ins and outs of these people’s lives get rediscovered.
Anonymous
Hmmmm, I am utterly unafraid of death. If I were to die tomorrow, that would be perfectly fine – I’ve lived a good life. Now, I don’t have a spouse or children (don’t plan to) and my family is not exactly what I could call tight knit. I do have very close friends but that hasn’t changed how I feel at all. I also fully accept that any of my family members could die at any time and am fine with it. To me, it’s a fact of life. Everything that is alive will die at some point (which of course you know).
Can you dig more into why no longer being here is scary to you? Are you worried about what will happen to everyone else? What will happen to you based on your belief system? I’m an atheist, so for me there is no fear about what happens after I die. I am dead, nothing else happens, and I will have no recollection of anything from that point on. I think if you can pin down exactly what it is about not being here that is scary to you, that will help people give advice. If you can’t pin point it further, then I agree short-term therapy would probably be helpful.
Anon
Commiseration. I have irrationally feared death since childhood (now age 30) and I have no real reason at night to suddenly be lying awake thinking about it, but it has happened on and off throughout my life. It does make me feel better to know others ruminate on this topic. I think mortality is something everyone has to come to grips with, and maybe some people struggle with the idea more than others.
Lots to Learn
I think the most sensible way to think about death is the way you think about things that happened before you were born. Before you were born, you didn’t exist and that was effectively “forever” going back in time. You missed out on a ton of stuff that might have been really fun (and more stuff that definitely wasn’t). But you didn’t feel like you were missing it because you hadn’t been born yet. Same thing with death. After you die, you’ll miss out on life events of loved ones and other cool and not-so-cool stuff but you won’t feel like you’re missing out because you won’t exist. So in my mind, there is nothing to be scared of.
Needless to say, I’m an atheist. So that definitely colors my view of death. It really helped me to think about it this way when my dad died. Sure, I miss him. And it sucks for me. But it doesn’t suck for him because he’s not around to feel the sadness of missing out. (In this way, I think it would be harder to believe in an afterlife and people looking down from heaven and watching us have fun and feeling the FOMO and watching us make mistakes that they can’t prevent, etc.)
What does scare me more is the likely path leading up to death. Suffering through a long illness. Losing your mind due to Alzheimer’s. Becoming dependent on someone else for even the most basic of self-care. As they say in Rent “Will I lose my dignity?” That’s real and it’s likely to occur in some form and I think you have to come to terms with it and that’s hard.
Anonymous
I spent a lot of time worrying that I wouldn’t get married/have kids before my parents died. Talked about it a lot in therapy. I’m 30 and super single, parents were/are not in good health. Then my mom died five weeks ago. I am still single, and if I marry and/or have children, my mom will never know my partner or kids. It is devastating. But you know what? I’m still here. I’m okay, I have a life, and my dad and I are doing our best to support each other. I will find my new normal. My worst fear has happened, and I’m still standing. Just some perspective from the other side.
nkotb
I’m sorry for your loss. My mother died 7 years ago, when I was 31 and super single. I now have a spouse and a child, born almost 6 years after she died. The first few years were tough (particularly around the anniversary of her death). This year has been difficult too: becoming a mother made me think of my own a lot. I don’t want to speak for your mother, but I feel like my mother will always be with me in some important ways. I am living the life my mother raised me to live, and I was living it at 31, when single w/o kids.
Anon
I have had at times an unhealthy fixation on my own death. I’ve lost a lot of close relatives to cancer including my father, when I was young. I felt like genetics were not on my side, despite no research indicating that any of their illnesses were hereditary.
When my kids were little I was obsessed with it. Like what would happen if I died when my kids were 6, 7, 8 years old? Would my kids be ok? Especially since I’m the primary breadwinner. What if both my husband and I died? Who would raise them? We didn’t really love our options for guardian care for various reasons. And just thinking of the tragedy they’d face at such a young age would give me huge anxiety.
But now my kids are teens (oldest just graduated HS) and I know they would be ok. It would still be difficult but the finances are in place that they’d be able to finish college and have a nest egg to get their lives started, and more than that, they’re just far more self sufficient and resilient people.
I am telling you this because I think it is very normal as a parent of young kids to worry about all the things that can go wrong. That’s why we have things like life insurance, and estate planning, and seat belts! Everyone worries about this. All you can really do is plan for all the contingencies. Get the life insurance. Make the wills, name the guardians. Be careful. Wear the seat belts. And then live your life, because it’s a total waste of whatever time any of us have on this earth to spend all of our time worrying about when it will be over.
fdsa
Not Cat, but I think she’s pointing out that the poster is looking for a particular type of response. I mean, who really describes a 26-yo professional woman as a ‘young gorgeous girl’.
Skipper
If she’s early in her career, she may simply not have the money to completely replace her wardrobe for something more suited to your office. If she’s a young looking 26, she may be trying to project authority and competence. If she’s super hot, she may be trying to look “all business” to stave off unwanted attention. If she’s not you, then this is not your business.
Worry about yourself
What are you replying to? Did I miss something?
Anonymous
The c011ared sh1rt tr011 was back.
Anon
What do you consider to be a normal amount of time to spend with your parents per month if they live locally? I sometimes feel like I’m happy with 1-2 times a month, but my parents would gladly see me every spare minute. I feel guilty because I love them very much and I do enjoy their company, but I guess it feels like after 1-2 times a month there really isn’t that much new to say and I have a lot of other people in my life I want to keep up with, as well as a need for downtime. I also find that I love my parents best in frequent but smaller doses. If i see them constantly, they drive me crazy, and the quality of our interactions goes way down.
So I have come to accept that for my parents (well, mainly my mom), there would never be enough time to spend with me, whereas I have my limits, and there will always be some underlying tension as a result. Thoughts, strategies, ideas?
Veronica Mars
Our premarital counselor suggested once a month for newly married couples, (so that we could have time to be a couple together) and said we should have a monthly “event” that our parents (each set since both are local) could count on. So the first Wednesday of every month, we’d go out to eat with my parents, and the third Thursday of every month, we’d go to his parents house for dinner. Since my MIL is more of a caller, my DH has a day of the week he calls her and chats for 30 mins to an hour. So that way each set knows when they’ll see us and when they’ll hear from us, and that makes the anxiety go down on their end. In reality, we definitely see each set at least 2-3 times per month, but my parents go to the same church as we do, so we run into them there, and his family has lots of birthdays/showers/events going on, so we see them then as well.
Anon
That seems so arbitrary. I know people who see their parents way more, and people who see them way less. As long as both members of the couple are fine with the frequency, it seems really odd for a therapist to give you a specific guideline for how much you should see them.
Anonymous
Yeah I think that’s a ridiculous thing for a therapist to suggest
Anonymous
It was probably a clergyperson, not a therapist, giving a canned recommendation from whatever church’s premarital counseling curriculum.
Anon
My dad lives locally (about 4 blocks away!) and I’d say once or twice a week on average, but it’s often not a long visit. I frequently pick things up for him at Costco, so I’ll drop those off. We actually hang out and spend time together maybe once or twice a month on average.
Anemone
I visit my parents every Wednesday evening for about three hours. If they need help with heavy lifting or technical/computer stuff, they know I will be available during that regular time slot. If they don’t need help, we just socialize. Holidays are an “extra” beyond that.
I’d suggest planning something consistent so your mom knows when she can look forward to seeing you. Having it constantly up in the air may make her more clingy, since she feels she has to fight for your time.
Vicky Austin
+1. Also, consider what makes hanging out with your parents the most fun. Does it need to be at their house (excuse to leave when you need to), your house (your turf), or somewhere neutral? Weekend morning when you’re fresh, or weeknight? Can you just chill together, or do you need to have a project?
My dad once told me that the most fun he ever had with his parents as an adult was when they needed help building their deck for a few weeks. The countless weekend evenings spent just sitting in their house, chatting with them about less and less, wore him down after a while. All this with the caveat that your folks are able to go places and do things, but it might make things easier on you while it’s still possible.
SC
My in-laws live locally. They’re divorced and are both remarried, so we have two “sets” of DH’s parents to see, mostly separately. We also have a large extended family (DH’s sister, 2 step-sisters, step-brother, plus their SOs and children) living in town. We have a son, but I’m not sure that means we see them more–we’re busier and more tired than we used to be, and in-laws are busy and have lots of grandchildren too.
We see each of DH’s parents at least once every 2 weeks, which means we see at least one parent almost every weekend. Sometimes it’s at a larger family gathering, like a holiday or bbq or a niece or nephew’s birthday party (and before that, various engagement parties, bridal showers, weddings, baby showers). Sometimes we make specific plans with one parent and the step-parent. Sometimes, we’ll just make last-minute, spontaneous plans to hang out or have lunch or whatever.
The main thing for me is that boundaries are respected. I’m OK seeing them pretty frequently, as long as I feel free to say “no.” Seeing them as part of the larger group helps take off the pressure too, but that doesn’t sound like your situation. Also, an activity definitely helps–right now, our kid is often the “activity” because he wants his grandparents to play with him, but before kids, we would often go out together, DH would fix things around the house, or we’d all be part of the larger family group.
Anon
Imagine you could make 150K working 8 months of the year and take the rest of the year off. The caveat is that it’s a contract gig and at the end of it, you’d have to find another job. You also have to deal with health insurance, taxes, etc on your own.
Would you? Why/why not?
Anonymous
I wouldn’t. I like having a career.
Anon
Contact gigs are not mutually exclusive with having a career. Most academics work on short term contacts for 3-6 years and they are definitely people who have careers.
Anonymous
No, but they are incompatible with my career. I couldn’t walk out of my current job, take a contract position, and walk back into my career.
Anon
Yes. It’s way more money than I make currently and I would love to have 4 months off to spend with my kids. Taxes, insurance, etc would be a big pain but worth it to me for the raise and time with my family.
Anonymous
What is the alternative?
Ms B
The Prodigal Brother effectively did this for many years with a “regular” freelance gig where he worked August through early February and then most of April and May and loved it. He budgeted carefully and used his months off each year to travel, go to industry courses for a a couple weeks at a time, do short-term freelance stints in his industry to build his resume, and chill. The negative was that there often were feast and famine periods during his gig period, but he learned to plan for and deal with those issues, including by having a side hustle year round so that he could count on at least some cash each week.
The time did come where the company he freelanced for made him an offer to become a full-time permanent employee. It was a tough decision for him, especially because his hourly rate did go down and his free time deceased, but he knew that it would leave him better off overall in terms of health care coverage, pension and 401K, and stability. He negotiated hard for extra vacation and ended up getting flexibility instead (minimum number of required shifts and hours per month, but the ability to work them however he wants and permission to keep most of his side gigs), so that has worked out.
anon a mouse
What is the field, and what is the likelihood that there will be interesting, available jobs when you need the one after the contract gig?
I wouldn’t because I like job security, but there are plenty of people who are happy with contract-to-contract work.
Anon
If it was a field where I didn’t have much worry that I would find another job, I would sign up in a heartbeat. I have a cousin who does travel nursing, never seems to have any problems finding jobs, and takes tons of time off to travel. Sounds like a great life.
Anon
Would you enjoy the 4 months off or will you stress out during that time with resumes and interviews for the next gig? I’d take this job if it was a 5-year deal but not for one single year.
Shopaholic
I would do it if the 4 months I could not work were in the summer. I have great fantasies of not working during the summer and lounging around.
Vicky Austin
Which months off? How long does this last?
That sounds dreamy in perpetuity (catch me going back to summer camp!), but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case.
Anonymous
In a heartbeat. That’s close to triple my current salary, I’m covered by my husband’s health insurance, and I’m bored with my current role. 4 months is plenty of time to decide what I want to do next and/or land the next gig.
Anon
I would love to do that in my last 10 years of working. But there would always be the uncertainty of not getting another contract. This may work for a secondary earner, but most likely not for the breadwinner (me)
Anon
It’s not really 150K if you are a 1099 employee. You have to pay self-employment tax, and other taxes that are normally employer-paid based on your state. I’d do a lot more research, the pay may not be nearly as good as you hope.
Diana Barry
Hahahahahahhahahahaha.
Ha!
Nice try!
Anon
Oh man, clearly some very juicy tr0ll post got deleted and I’ll admit I’m a little disappointed to have missed it.
Anon
Lol it wasn’t that great – it was the (probably male) button-down shirt fetishist. That one is really tired.
Worry about yourself
Yeah, I’m disappointed. I love an opportunity to tell some uptight pearl clutcher to, well, you know *gestures to username*
Anon
I feel like there was a tr0ll post that was taken down and now there are a lot of random replies – yes?
Anonymous
I’m so disappointed I seem to have missed whatever this is in response to. Lol.
Kelsey
I have been a non equity partner at midlaw for several years now. I was most recently told that the powers that be, including 2 people whose practices depend on my work and have every reason to keep me here, that this is not going to be my year because of while my book of business is growing, they want to see another year of major growth so there’s a clear upward pattern. Normally I would just take the challenge and think that next year may be the year, but my firm is merging with a larger firm so this is really the only shot I think I’ll have for a long time. I don’t know a single equity partner at the new firm and would need a super majority of their votes. More than that, now the expectations and thresholds for equity partnership will change and make it a harder thing for me.
I AM SO DONE. I’ve made many sacrifices (all nighters, missing kids’ events, working while family is at Disney) trying to get to that last level. My firm is not up or out. The fact that I’ve billed the most hours among the people who are up year after year and have served on countless committees (recruiting, etc) did not matter at all – they are promoting people with large books of business who have never been high billers. Now, I’m wondering if I did this all wrong and when people asked the group for help I should have been telling people I don’t have capacity to help, etc. which is actually common at my firm and spending more time with my kids, sleeping better, and not trying to get to equity since going the extra mile on taking billable work did not get me anywhere.
What would you do in my shoes? FWIW, in my market, the income for my level is around around 200k a year (give or take 25k) while equity partners get a distribution of at least 50 k more a year, going up maybe 6 or 7x that amount for the big rainmakers (although they make a capital investment of about 50 k that is borrowed from future distributions). I’m fortunately in a situation where an additional 50 k won’t make much of a difference (house is paid off, spouse works and gets paid more than me, kids in public school, etc) on a day to day, and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be a big rainmaker, but I feel like nonequity partners aren’t treated as real partners at my firm – we are service partners who are at the beck and call of the equity partners.
Ms B
How many years out are you?
Kelsey
17 years out of law school. Started out at BigLaw, then moved around a few times but I have always worked full time (more than full time), except for two three month-maternity leaves (which were many years ago now and not at my current firm).
Ms B
This comes from my own mid-law experience. At this stage in your career and the merger process, if they are not prepared to make you an equity partner, then it is time to figure out another place to be because the merger provides you perfect cover (e.g. “lack of clarity on your role in the post-merger firm” and “desire to remain in a more mid-sized practice environment”). If your book does not make you attractive to other firms, then your selling point is your ability to manage a practice group and day to day operations in that group.
And you may be surprised . . . once you give notice, your current firm may try to keep you. My experience has been that some partners block others’ advancement opportunities on what basically are pretexts, right up until they realize that the person who is leaving services all of their clients. Service attorneys have substantial value as partners; the big question in my mind always is not whether to make one a partner, but how to compensate one appropriately vis-a-vis the rainmakers (although I could write a book just on that subject) .
Lots to Learn
I responded to your post from yesterday with a somewhat lengthy response, if you haven’t seen it…
Kelsey
Lots to Learn – thank you for your detailed response. I am interested in hearing more about your experience and how you came to the point of feeling okay with it. It bothers me when I see people who are not very good managers (or very much the opposite – people who are terrible toward associates and staff) running the firm, heading up practice groups, making all of the policy decisions, etc. so that’s one thing that bothers me about not being equity. Another thing that bothers me is seeing people who are not good lawyers getting promoted above me (obviously because they have bigger books of business).
I work a lot more nights and weekends and have more stress than, say, my counterparts who are in-house. There was a promise of a pretty significant upside if I were to become an equity partner, but without that, I might as well be at a 8 to 5 job. Do you manage to do all of your work during normal hours and not have all of these client-driven emergencies on nights and weekends?
Anonymous
How at this point do you not understand that equity is 100% about your book of business.
Anon
I don’t know that I have good suggestions on *how* to do this but it sounds like you’d be happier if you could focus more on the things that are in your control versus things that you just can’t control — like the office politics of big law.
Lots to Learn
As Anonymous at 1:49 said, you have to get over the idea that the position of equity partner is given to the best lawyers. It’s not. It’s given to people with the biggest books of business. Period. I know that I don’t have a very big book so I get that I’m not going to be equity unless/until I step it up a lot. That’s the name of the game in most law firms.
As for the frustration about having not very good managers, at our firm, that is sometimes true, but it has nothing to do with whether they’re equity or not. We have group leaders who are non-equity. So to me, that’s a different issue.
But ultimately, as I indicated in my previous response, I’m ok with being non-equity partner because I’m well compensated, enjoy the work, and am not trying to fit my round peg into the square equity hole. I do have some client-driven emergencies on nights and weekends but that comes with the territory of being a partner – not with the territory of being equity. So if you’re a partner, you’re “all in” when it comes to doing the work and making sacrifices. I don’t think being non-equity gives me the right to just work an 8-5 job, at all. I’m still a partner in a big law firm and that comes with obligations. I’m fine with that. And of course to clients and the rest of the world, nobody has any clue whether I’m equity or not.
I read a thread on this site years ago about how people who are lawyers are used to excelling and are always wanting the validation that comes with getting to the next level – getting good grades in HS, going to a good college, getting into law school, getting a summer offer, getting a permanent offer, getting bonuses, making partner. And what happens when that’s over or you hit the wall? How do you keep up your self worth, if it’s always been based on achieving the highest and the best next thing? That really resonated with me, and I’ve been trying to separate my self-worth from the level I reached in my career. And I think that’s healthy, because there are always going to be people at a higher level than you (even if you become an equity partner). And unless you’re just a unicorn or are incredibly driven, you’re going to drive yourself crazy if you are always striving like that (once you get to a reasonably high level, which you have).
If you have a job that you enjoy and you’re well compensated and you have some work-life balance, I think that’s a great place to be and more than what most people have. Add to that the fact that it may not be possible for you to make it to the next level (if you just aren’t a business developer or just aren’t getting the political support you need) and you’re going to have to decide whether you can be happy where you are in your career. If not, then it sounds like you may have to look elsewhere (e.g. another firm or in house).
Anonymous
What type of merger? Of equals? Or an absorption of your firm? And how important is your firm to the firm you’re merging with? If it’s an absorption or your firm is the less important player, I’d be concerned. And I would probably put it to the current powers that be in a more blunt fashion – your numbers justify being made equity (if they do) and that you want it this year. If your firm is more critical to the health or success of the firm you’re merging with, I’d be less concerned. It’s to their benefit to elevate partners like you.
Kelsey
Thanks for your response. It is as close to a merger of equals as possible, with my group being important to shore up the other firm since the equivalent of my group at their firm left en masse, which caused some destabilization to that firm. I put it in the more blunt fashion, gave them specific examples of important firm clients for which I serve as the point person but for which I don’t get any credit, etc. I do feel that that these guys could have put me through since they are in the best position, have control over the firm, etc. and it was just a lack of will. For example, in previous years, they’ve promoted people based on assumptions that they have people in their groups looking to retire soon and therefore the nonequity partner would likely take over the retiring partners’ books, etc. They admitted to me that my group doesn’t have anyone who wants to retire anytime soon but other people do and that factored into their decision.
Anon
I don’t have advice (not in law) but I am so sorry. I suggest taking a month off (your spouse makes good money, your house is paid off – you need the downtime mentally) and re-evaluating what you want to do. This could include dusting off your resume, or recommitting to trying again for next year. Meanwhile, during this month off, maybe you can spend a ton of time with your family and kids and that will make you feel better about the times you missed out.
Anon
I applied for a job that I am absolutely perfect for (there is a very long list of qualifications and I have most of them; there are very few people in my niche practice that would have the same qualifications so it’s not just me being arrogant, multiple friends in the industry have told me the same thing). I sent my job application in 2 weeks ago (the day of the deadline) and haven’t heard anything since. I’m getting anxious. I’ve crossed paths with someone at the organization (the job would be working under her) but I don’t know her that well and don’t know how involved she is with the hiring process. Would you recommend reaching out to her or do I just need to sit tight and be patient?
Anon
Is she in the same department? What do you mean by crossed paths?
If she is in the same department and you have had substantive conversations such that she will likely remember you (and that it is not that you just spoke at a networking event for 1 minute), I would reach out to her. I would probably frame it as wanting to learn about the department because that would make me feel more comfortable.
Anon
she definitely knows who I am, I’ve had multiple interactions with her in a professional context over the last few years. The job is working directly for/with her, but the application was to be addressed to a committee at a HR email address which is what I did. I got a bounceback saying only those selected for interviews would be contacted which is why I’m hesitant…
Anonymous
Did you know her before the job was posted? This seems like a great situation where you pre-network it (hey–that job working with you looks interesting), and then apply through HR and slip her your resume as well. I would touch base with her at this point to let her know your interest in it. She may be able to move you to the top of the list…or add you to it. Go get what you want!
Kim
Sit tight. 2 weeks is nothing, and it’s summer, so one person is out for a week, then another…
Worry about yourself
If I had a personal connection with them, I’d probably message them, mentioned that I’d applied and ask if they’d heard anything about the process. Hiring takes time, especially in the summer, and they might not be able to help, but they also might be able to put your mind at ease and tell you the recruiter is on vacation until next week and they’ll look at the applications then.
busybee
I should be able to find the definitive answer to this but it has eluded me- should I contribute only to my 401K or continue contributing to my Roth, while contributing less to my 401k? I can comfortably contribute about $14,000 a year to my retirement accounts. My employer will match up to $3,000 to my 401k. It only has about $7,000 in it because it’s a new job. My Roth has about $40,000 in it. Is there any benefit to contributing to the Roth or should I make all my retirement contributions to the 401k? Obviously it would be best to max out both the Roth and the 401k but that’s not quite in the budget.
Anon
You want to maximize your tax savings. Roth you pay taxes now; traditional 401(k) you pay taxes later. If you’ll be living more modestly in retirement than you do now (and earning less), you’ll want to pay as many taxes later as you can instead of now at your peak earning and tax rate. If you’re making enough that you can put away $14k, I presume you’re in a pretty high tax bracket and you expect to live more modestly in retirement – if so, max out your 401(k), then your Roth. Always contribute to maximize an employer match.
Anon
This is correct. Make sure to get the employer match, them try to maximize tax savings. That’s impossible to do with certainty, since you don’t know for sure what you’ll make in the future and what tax rates will be in the future, but I’d say that once you’re in the 12% marginal tax bracket, it’s probably a decent idea for most people to max out their Roths. When you’re in the 32+% brackets you almost certainly want to focus on 401k, in between, it varies.
New job vacation
I just got a new job where I will be starting in a few weeks. I have 10 days of vacation that I can use after my 90-day probation period. I have a milestone birthday coming up and would really like to take a trip that would require about 9 days (essentially 2 weeks out) near Thanksgiving. Is there any way to approach this with the employer now while ticket prices are low?
I negotiated for a start date a month out from my offer because I wanted to take two weeks off but am using the time to visit my family and DHs family that are out of state. Employer does not necessarly know I am going to be taking two weeks to travel because I left the reasons vague and made it seem like i needed to tie up lose ends at my current job. A supervisor from a previous job works at my new firm and may be able to give me insight but I am unsure if this is something I should ask about at all.
Anonymous
I asked for a week off within the first two months of my first law job but it was because I was getting married and the wedding was book like a year earlier so I couldn’t move it without enormous expense. So if you have a ‘one off’ type event like your own wedding or a close relative’s wedding or an elderly grandparents possible last big birthday (e.g. 80th/90th) – in those type situations you can probably take a few days off in a probationary period. But I would not ask to take vacation time during a probationary period unless it was necessary. A milestone birthday holiday can wait until after the probationary period. (assuming it’s like a once a decade type birthday and you’re not turning 80 or something). Even at my vacation friendly workplace (I’ve taken 2-3 weeks every year for the last ten years), someone trying to take vacation during a short probationary period unless there was an important reason, would definitely be seen as out of touch.
Anon
It’s unclear to me when you are starting, but I’m assuming in early September. Do not ask for 2 weeks off in your first three months. Even if it is technically after your first 90-day, which is not clear to me, the 10 vacation days provided isn’t a license to use them immediately. After six months? sure, I would feel it out. After 3 months? no, it is going to make you look bad
Anon
+1 I wouldn’t do this.
anon a mouse
If you have already accepted the job, don’t ask now. If you already had the dates booked, then I think it would be reasonable to condition your acceptance on that — yes, I will take the job but I need these dates on for previously arranged travel. But you really can only do that before you accept.
Anonymous
I agree with this. I’ve actually done this twice – I look a week off within the first two or three months of starting my current job and the last one. I’d had each vacation scheduled (and paid for) for about 6 months and I was up front about it as soon as they gave me the offer. They were fine with it. I think two weeks might’ve been different though.
Anon
Frankly, I don’t think a milestone birthday is a big enough reason to justify using ALL of your vacation time immediately after starting a new job. It’s not going to look good. (I’m not talking about how employers *should* treat their employees here, like some commenters like to do; I’m talking about the actual real world that we all have to live in.) Do your big trip before starting the new job or wait 6-12 months.
Worry about yourself
Well, if it were my direct report, I’d be pretty put-off by a request like this, birthday or no birthday. If you’re asking to take two weeks off during a probationary period, it had better be for your own honeymoon.
PolyD
Man, it kind of sucks that a honeymoon is considered a worthwhile reason to take time off, but not a birthday. Some people never get honeymoons!
FWIW, I would look a bit askance at taking that much time up so soon after starting no matter what the reason. I mean, there’s no reason a honeymoon has to be RIGHT AFTER the wedding, is there? If one can celebrate one’s birthday a couple of months after the date, why can’t a honeymoon be a couple of months after the wedding?
Worry about yourself
True, my point was more that a honeymoon would already be planned at this point and, much like the wedding itself, very expensive to rebook. If OP had already planned the trip our advice would be different, but she hasn’t, she’s wondering if she should, and the answer is no, not when you’re new to a job.
Daisy
Also, honeymoons are (in theory) once in a lifetime. Birthdays are not.
Anon
But honeymoons are hopefully a once in a lifetime event and birthdays come around every year for hopefully ~80 years. I get that marriages aren’t the only things that should be celebrated, but it doesn’t seem like a fair analogy.
Worry about yourself
I wouldn’t. As others have said, if it was for a fixed event you’d already committed to, like a wedding (yours or a close friend or family member’s) that’s one thing, but a two-week trip just to celebrate a birthday during a probationary period is a bad look. Not to mention, they might be giving more tenured employees priority for time off around Thanksgiving, and they may require you to be available during that time for coverage reasons, depending on the job.
And honestly, even taking two whole weeks after your probationary period is a bad idea. I took *one* week of vacation when I was newish at my current job (like 4 months in) and it was because I had a really good opportunity to travel with family and my parents were paying, and even then I could only join them for half the trip because I was new at the job and only got 10 days of vacation per year. If I’d told them, at that point, I was just taking a week off to celebrate a birthday, they probably would’ve been less likely to approve it, or they might’ve allowed it but given me the side-eye over the reason.
If it’s 30, I super get wanting to do something big, I just turned 30 and went all out (or, as all-out as I could, really). However, I might advise you to do something much smaller this year that doesn’t require time off but is still special, and give yourself a “IOU” for the trip next year, that you can plan months in advance when tickets are low. Make it fancy, use rose gold glitter, frame it and hang it above your bed, whatever you need to make it a special, like you’re still “giving” it to yourself this year.
RR
My husband took 2 weeks off for a planned trip to Europe in his 4th month at a new job. He just told them up front that it was planned and couldn’t be moved. They were fine with it. I think the question though is how important you are to them. My husband’s new employer was recruiting him heavily and gave him everything he asked for on salary, moving expenses, increased vacation time per year, and this two weeks off.
Anon
There’s a big difference between arranging that when you accept the offer and showing up on your first day and immediately asking about how soon you can take a two week vacation.
MagicUnicorn
Is that 10 days you can use before the end of the year? And then it restarts at the beginning of January? If so, reach out to your former supervisor who works there and ask what the office culture is like around this sort of thing.
In my office, the paperwork said I could not take any time off in the first 90 days (I started early in the 4th quarter). In reality, my boss and coworkers were horrified that I did not intend to take any time off before the new year and insisted I take at least two days around Christmas. Those were accrued vacation days for the year that I would lose if I didn’t use them. They did not care in the slightest about the paperwork.
Anon
Given how close to the start date your trip is, I would present the question as “I planned a trip prior to accepting this job, do you think it is something that you will be able to accommodate?” Rather than “ooooh, a milestone bday! I need a trip!” because you can wait and celebrate a few months later since you are (presumably) an adult.
Anon
This works if she had brought it up when she accepted. I feel like that ship has sailed now, and it will still leave a bad taste.
Anon
You missed your window to ask about this.
When I started my current job they wanted me to start at the end of June (this was a few years ago). I told them I had already planned to attend a conference in July, so if I started in June I’d need to take off those three days, and was willing to take them unpaid. I didn’t ask them to let me take vacation days or to count those as work days for me. My prior employer had already paid the registration and didn’t ask for me to get a refund (I specifically asked about it when leaving). So it was fine, but I didn’t ask for the whole week as I would have if I’d stayed at my old job.
You need to start a new job showing them how very much you want to work there, not leading with how you can spend as little time there as possible.
Anonymous
One of my friends nearly got fired for doing this. I think it’s going to send the wrong message about your commitment to your job. They aren’t stupid. They know you’re taking time off in between. Don’t do it. If you must, take the week of thanksgiving off and that’s it. And no absolutely do not reach out now because prices are low.